I have met many men in the 67 years of this life. Some have come into it for a moment or two, some for a little longer and a few have been around for most, if not all of my life. They have been of all ages, all sizes, all personalities and all so very different in the way they live and see the world around them.
Some of the men have been related to me, some have been friends and some more than just good friends. I have fallen in love with men, and them with me, and we often fell out of love together as well. We have laughed together, cried together and had adventures together but now I can see that through all these times I really didn’t understand what it was like to be a man.
What did it feel like to be a man in a world that expected him to be tough, macho and in control of his emotions: what made him ‘tick,’ what were his fears, his joys and was he really being the man he knew he could be?
I can also see that I had been well and truly programmed into believing the many ideals, beliefs and stereotypes that are attached to being a man. That he should be strong, the provider in a family, that he shouldn’t cry, that he would open doors for me, he would do the hard jobs but not the ones in the kitchen, he would be the fixer, the builder and the problem solver. He was the one on the white horse who would save me from the world and we would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after – this ending was definitely not one to count on!
I knew from my own experience growing up that it was hard enough being a girl and then a woman in the world, at times feeling that I wasn’t being who I knew I truly was but who I was expected to be: I simply rolled with the expectations that society had of a woman, and therefore I should know how to be and how I should act to fulfil these ideals and beliefs. I wanted to fit in, be ‘normal,’ so I went along with the crowd.
So, was it the same for a man? What were the expectations he grew up with and did he have to change to meet them, or did he choose to stay with who he knew he naturally was and how did the world react when he did? Was he punished when he rocked the boat and did he keep on rocking or simply acquiesce to keep the peace?
So, let’s go back to the day a little boy is born. When you look at a new born baby girl and a baby boy laying side by side, except for a few obvious physical differences there is a deep sense of them being the same. They are very small, vulnerable, fragile, delicate beings having just arrived in this world at the start of this cycle of life. They sleep, they cry, they demand food and they need love and nurturing from those around them as they slowly grow.
But it doesn’t take too long before the expectations and beliefs of society begin to kick in… in some cases almost immediately when they are dressed in either pink or blue.
But who was it that first said:
- A boy should wear blue.
- Dressing him in pink is breaking every rule in the baby etiquette book, maybe even scarring him for life.
- His first stuffed toy needs to be blue and that as he grows the toys he begins to play with must include cars, trucks, trains and planes.
- It is so very wrong for a boy to play with dolls.
I would really love to meet the person/s who came up with these rigid ideas and ask them why colour code our precious children and place them into little boxes so early in their lives?
To me that makes no sense at all and surely fosters the separation of boys and girls from such an early age when they certainly don’t look at another as being different. As they grow, this belief that they are so very different may stay with them, manifesting in various extreme behaviours in adulthood such as misogyny and man hating – a really big step away from being colour coded I know, but a possible step if they continue to be raised in this separatist way.
I certainly don’t feel for a moment that the fabric of the world would fall apart if little boys were encouraged to retain their tenderness and their sensitivity, were allowed to be whom they truly are and it certainly wouldn’t fall apart if they wore pink. In fact, I would go as far as to say that the world would be a whole lot more harmonious than it is now if a man, from the time he was born, was supported to be who he naturally is and allowed to express that in his own unique way.
It definitely didn’t fall apart for my youngest son when I used to put his sister’s pink trousers on him when he was little. But it did confuse people who would automatically presume that he was a girl; curiously there was little, or no, confusion when I dressed my daughter in blue. Have you ever wondered about the depth of the programming so many of us have been exposed to, lived by and in very few cases rarely ever questioned?
And then of course there are the expectations that:
- Little boys will need to harden up on the journey to becoming a man
- Tears and displays of sensitivity are not encouraged, and
- The games that they will play will be full on body contact sports, the harder the better.
And I have also noticed that boys are often referred to as little men whereas I can’t remember anyone calling a little girl a little woman very often.
It was hard enough growing up to be a woman but observing the process of a boy growing up to a man in this world seemed so much harder. From where I see it, a little boy is just as precious as a little girl, just as sensitive, tender and just as delicate, so why is he expected to bury these innate qualities to become someone that he’s not, and what happens when he does? How much force does he have to call in to bury what he naturally is and what happens to his body and the state of his mental health as a result?
I remember blaming some of the men I was in relationship with for not being sensitive to my needs, for not running after me if I ran away, for not knowing when I needed a hug and so much more. It now makes sense that if they hadn’t been raised to know who they were beneath their macho behaviours, how on earth were they going to understand me as a woman? – I didn’t understand me!
So, no wonder relationships struggle under the weight of expectations when the parties involved (both the man and the woman) don’t understand who they are in the first place as they have been programmed from a very early age to be someone they are not.
If today someone placed a new born boy in my arms and I took on the responsibility of raising him, how would I do it?
I would honour him for the delicate and tender being that he naturally is and support him to retain the connection to this true essence.
I would allow him to express his feelings, show his sensitivity, encourage him to be honest and to respect all others as equals.
I would support him to be himself in a world which is set up for him to be anything but the true man he innately was born to be.
By Ingrid Ward, West Auckland, New Zealand
Further Reading:
Men – Are we set up to fail?
Stitched Up
“Boys will be boys”…I Don’t Think So
I have a friend who has a little boy and he has decided by his own actions it’s time that he came out of nappies. It suddenly occurred and so the only pants to put on him where his sisters and he happily went round all day in his sisters knickers which fitted him perfectly; who cares if a little boy is running around in girls knickers? Did this change his personality? No of course not, so who made up the rules of society? Well we did, probably men actually so we as a collective have contributed to a society we all hate because it is so cold and heartless and has us pitching ourselves against each other rather than working side by side with the understanding that we have all got something to contribute to the world no matter how small the contribution may be.
Pink is such a great colour it should be allocated to who ever you feel like at a young age and then as we mature it is a great colour to wear and feel the connection to our essences.
Greg we have as a society deliberately manipulated men in such away that they never get to feel their essence.
A company that I used to work at had a dress code for men. It was a dark blue suit, white shirt, blue tie. I was unable to tell the men apart because most of the men had got to that time in life when they had lost most of their hair. So was it any wonder I did not recognise the CEO of the company when he walked up to say hello, who would have thought the CEO would come and say hello? It became the company joke that I didn’t know who this man was. At the next sales meeting they put up a slide to show everyone the hierarchy of the corporation and everyone agreed the men all looked the same. They were like robots toeing the company line, it was difficult to have a conversation with them outside the parameters of work. It seems to me that we have turned men into human machines, so far removed from the sensitive beautiful babies that were born into this life.
No wonder that there are so many male suicides this blog says it all.
The expectations we impose on each other are very confining and confusing. Being aware of our own sensitivity and vulnerability is to know that everyone, man, woman and child, shares an equal sensitivity and vulnerability, even if they have learned to put up protective barriers.
I love men in pink it’s very cute, especially when they rock it, knowing that they are sensitive and totally going with it. The more I understand and accept my own sensitivity the more I see it in the men around me.
Leigh my brother wears Pink and he definitely rocks the colour. He also loves to wear the colour yellow too and looks very dashing in a gold silk waistcoat. So much so that the men actually comment on his waistcoat and wish they had one too. As he has grown older his dress sense has blossomed as he connects to his sensitivity and is not afraid to show it.
Ingrid this is a brilliant topic of conversation
“Have you ever wondered about the depth of the programming so many of us have been exposed to, lived by and in very few cases rarely ever questioned?”
I don’t feel that we have really questioned anything in life or it wouldn’t be the way it is today. We have for centuries accepted the status Quo without ever questioning who or what is behind the people who control; for example who is controlling the controllers. And those people that did stand up and question life and the part we all play in it were persecuted for their efforts. It’s a well known fact that the Vatican holds the history of their torture on the people who stood out against the control they had and still have today. I remember years ago reading about the torture of innocent people because they did not conform to the thinking of the time so they either recanted their beliefs or were tortured. Has anything really changed in the intervening years?
‘I can also see that I had been well and truly programmed into believing the many ideals, beliefs and stereotypes that are attached to being a man.’ When we subscribe to those beliefs we keep men incarcerated into roles that are not true. It is the ultimate abuse to hold a man to account for our own need to be secure, in whatever form that may take.
“So, no wonder relationships struggle under the weight of expectations when the parties involved (both the man and the woman) don’t understand who they are in the first place” Gold Ingrid and so true.
Most relationships are doomed to fail in the true sense of the word because non of us are in a true relationship with ourselves. Which begs the question ‘who’s having a relationship with who if none of us are being true?’ Is expectation having a relationship with expectation? Is it emptyness that’s taking emptiness our for dinner?, is it pictures that’s dating pictures? Seriously who are we and what are we doing?It’s only by first shoring up a relationship with ourselves that we can then do the same with anyone else, otherwise we’re just taking shaky ground out to everyone we meet.
Alexis Stewart it has taken me many years to understand what you are saying
‘Most relationships are doomed to fail in the true sense of the word because none of us are in a true relationship with ourselves.’
I now understand that when we are empty we seek outside of ourselves for others to fill the hollowness we feel. I did this for most of my life so I know it doesn’t work, instead it places a huge burden on the other person that they have to fill the void. If they didn’t do this, then I would feel let down and blame them for not loving me enough. It was always their fault, never my fault. It has taken years for me to develop a relationship with myself, and this probably wouldn’t have happened if I had not met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Through the workshops and teachings of the Ageless Wisdom has gifted humanity a way to reconnect to our essence to truly feel and love who we are.
Super sad how as a society we make our sensitive young men conform to something that they ultimately feel is wrong.
Both men and women frequently grow up to give into the expectations and beliefs of society, and lose connection with their essence, ‘at times feeling that I wasn’t being who I knew I truly was but who I was expected to be’.
In a way the hardest part of the man cave we imprison ourselves in is the way it keeps other men distant and at bay. We’ll get to know women and feel safe with them but other men we treat like aliens – a sad state of affairs when we have so much to share that could assist with our healing.
When we see and feel the gorgeous, true qualities such as sensitivity, caring and gentleness in a man I am blown away and feel humble and when I see a man change through conversation from acting slightly aggressive to being gentle as I present myself I cannot but appreciate what came through me in that or those moments.
A lovely example of both appreciation, and the power we have in being and allowing our delicateness and tenderness to be seen and felt.
Imagine if we took every step with this level of understanding for each other – life would be incredible.
It’s high time man remembered to be kind and cherish himself. There’s a wealth of riches within each of us if only we stop selling ourselves out.
I absolutely agree Joseph. But I suppose the questions then arise as to why we are “selling ourselves out’? – why we don’t allow ourselves to see how beautifully amazing we are and the “wealth of riches” every single one of us has to share with the world? The answers to those questions are in themselves gold.
A beautiful blog to read as I bring a baby boy into this world. If he can experience what it is like to just be him and not need all the ideals and beliefs that come with being a man, then the world sees a different way for men to be in the world – tender and sensitive and who they really are.
How wonderful it will be for a baby boy to be welcomed into a family where he is going to be honoured for the beautifully sensitive being he naturally is and to be encouraged to retain this sensitivity as he grows through his life. The world cannot help but be blessed by a boy who, from the first moment, knows who he is truly is.
This is such a great point Fiona “it gives us the space to reflect on what really feels true to us and to honour that rather than just relating to others on auto-pilot”. I feel that so many of us live in auto pilot mode when it comes to living with the many beliefs that, in my opinion, have kept society in a holding pattern, ones that we often accept without discernment as it’s the way it’s always been. The one around what society expects from men is definitely one of these beliefs and look how much damage that has inflicted on our beautiful men.
It would be amazing if everyone appreciates men and women for who we are and not just for what we do. I too have experienced the weight of expectations and how damaging they can be on relationships. It caps us from truly meeting each other in full and it gets in the way of our true connection when we load our relationships up with expectations and needs.
Those expectations are definitely relationship killers – I know that well as I have ‘killed’ quite a few in the past as the man did not match up to the pictures I had in my head. And I am sure that I am not alone with those perfect pictures of how life should be, pictures that only serve to get in the way of what could possibly be a most beautiful relationship.
I love being a man and feeling the immense power through caring I have.
Yes I agree, Fiona, any opportunity to review our beliefs, where they come from and whether they support or not, is a gift to be embraced whole heartedly. Supported by many people I have broken through so many ill beliefs and ideals about how we ‘should’ be.
This is a very inspiring invitation to consider the way we treat all the men in our lives… do we offer the safe hands for them to be the sensitive, delicate, feeling beings they are or do we perpetuate the expectation of them being tough and able to handle anything?
I’d go for the first option Matilda, in a heart beat, as men are born to be these “sensitive, delicate, feeling beings” and to treat them as anything else is simply abuse. And it is so obvious that perpetuating the current societal beliefs of what men are expected to be hasn’t worked and men are suffering the consequences, as is the world.
In a world where the tough and hard approach to life is sold as the way to be for men there is little for them in true reflection. It is blogs like these that are showing there is another way that is far greater in embracing the true qualities all the men in our lives hold within.
It is a great point you make that women’s ideals and beliefs about men are part of the problem that keeps men imprisoned in the stereotypical man role, rather than allowing himself to just be.
Fiona we are all caught in the spider’s web because if a female growing up does not have a caring relationship with her father she is left bereft of this. If she then gets married and does not have a truly intimate relationship with her husband and has a boy, it is very possible that all the love and care she wants to share with her husband goes unexpressed and instead it gets channelled into the little boy. This places a huge burden on the boy who grows up to be the man. We perpetuate the same cycles generation after generation so that we move away from any possibility that there could be a different way to live. So when someone does come along and offers a different way, they are shunned by society because we do not want to admit that the model of life we have is not ‘it’, very far from ‘it’ actually.
The whole world is worse off because of how we treat men. This needs to change.
I agree Elizabeth, this applies to how we treat ourselves, women and everyone as well. Currently the way we treat each other in society is predominately void of respect, decency and love. For this to change we first have to treat ourselves with absolute love, decency and respect in every aspect of our lives.
It certainly is Elizabeth, and it is not just how we treat men, it is also about how we treat women and how women treat themselves. It is becoming more evident to me that the change will come about when women begin to honour themselves as the beautiful beings they are and in doing so reflect back to men the truth of who they are, which will offer them the space to begin to claim the amazing beings every single man naturally is.
I love men, I love being in their company and having a real heart to heart conversation. The idea that men have no feelings is ludicrous, they have feelings and they are very good at expressing them if given the space.
This is not only a beautiful insight into the men’s world but the women’s too. We all need to allow ourselves to see how very precious we are and how very deserving we are of absolute tenderness and love.
I can feel it is the re-claiming of the ‘preciousness’ that we, both men and women, innately are, that will be the key to the doorway to a true equality between us. This preciousness is definitely something that I never associated with me as women, so that is what I reflected to the men I met, which of course did not support them to connect to their true way of being. These days I am slowly reconnecting to this preciousness and I can now feel this reflection offering a natural way of being to those men, and women, around me. I don’t have to try to be precious but to simply know that I am.
We hide so much of our true selves from each other for all sorts of ‘reasons’ however by allowing ourselves to become more aware and reading more carefully what is going on we can understand more easily where we are all coming from and drop the ball of judgement that we can so easily pass from one to another.
I met an old friend of mine we hadn’t seen each other for 20 years and a lot of water has passed under the bridge since our last meeting. What I discovered was that 20 years ago I completely overlooked what a super loving man he was and still is he has such a beautiful quality about him. I can look back and see I was so locked away in my own hurts that I was unable to appreciate the beautiful qualities he had, just like his mother who was such a kind hearted and gentle woman. I’m so glad I had an opportunity to meet him and finally allow myself to fully appreciate his qualities.
This is so beautiful to read Mary and I am sure also very inspiring for those of us who have had relationships, of any sort, in the past where we have not truly seen the other person for who they are. It feels so amazing for you to have the opportunity to look at this man through such different and very loving eyes. These opportunities are price-less.
A moment to realise and appreciate how much you have changed, Mary, to be as open hearted as you now are and able to see and appreciate the true qualities in another… super cool.
When we are driven by the hurts that we carry we can often miss out on feeling the essence of another. The world can mask this with many images and beliefs and it is our choice to choose to ignore or ingrain them.
People joke about having ‘beer goggles on’ that cloud and distort what we’re able to see but pretty much all of us are wearing ‘hurt goggles’ which distort what we’re able to see to such a degree that it becomes unrecognisable. At least with beer goggles it’s pretty obvious when we’re seeing double but with hurt goggles life looks like it always does and so we never question it. Until. Until we heal our hurts, take our goggles off and realise that the world is actually a completely different place.
Ingrid – reading this blog sets a powerful foundation for the baby boy I am about to bring to the world. I can feel how still and tender he is already – so why lose what I know his essence to be. I know that as a parent – one of the most loving things to do is to not get in the way – this is true love. A beautiful opportunity to not hand him over to what society expects.
I so love that you can already feel how your baby boy is “still and tender”. It almost brings me to tears to feel the love and the deep honouring that he will be feeling now and then welcomed into the world with. And with this foundation for his life being so beautifully prepared he will, without doubt, hold that tenderness as he grows, and from him the truth of what it is to be a man will naturally ripple out into the world.
We do as a society seem to have great expectations of what a man should be. A work colleague of mine phoned me to say she was having an issue with her male boss and felt very hurt by something that was said or done. I was able to share with her that he isn’t perfect that he is trying to cope with the responsibility he has been given and my colleague was able to look at the situation from a different perspective and realise that she had a expectation that was unrealistic.
This was lovely to read Mary. I am sure the way you inspired your colleague will support her to deepen her understanding and then maybe even support others to come to the same understanding – that men, like women, aren’t perfect. “Great expectations” usually fuel great disappointments.
Mary a beautiful expression of the fact that Men are not perfect, far from it but the image men often have to hold that perfection. I know for me its been a hard one to crack, fessing up to the fact I am not perfect and then enjoying life and a constant learning thereafter.
‘So, no wonder relationships struggle under the weight of expectations…’ It makes sense that we do struggle in relationship if we are brought up with false ideals and beliefs about what our roles should be, rather than honouring our deep tender nature we all innately are.
We are all expert builders and architects but what we construct and establish is not an evolutionary life based on love but one of rigid reductionist boxes we look to fit into. No wonder we end up feeling unwell – trying to squash ourselves into these tight spaces does not work out so well.
I so agree Joseph about the futility of “trying to squash ourselves into these tight spaces”, spaces that have actually been created by the beliefs of others. There is little chance of evolving as a man, or as a woman, if we keep ourselves small; it is very harming, not just to us but those around us. To make the choice to liberate ourselves from these “reductionist boxes” is one of the most self-loving choices we can make and when we do we quickly realise how much space there is for us in this world.
Great point Joseph, you have highlighted that we are the builders and architects of our own life and this puts the responsibility back on us for everything that happens or doesn’t happen in life.
Growing up I never wanted to be a man, none of what men stood for felt true to me and yet I was destined to be a man! I’m deeply greatful for coming to Universal medicine and seeing what true men are like as in that I rebulit myself from my essence and now understand what a true man is.
” It definitely didn’t fall apart for my youngest son when I used to put his sister’s pink trousers on him when he was little. But it did confuse people who would automatically presume that he was a girl; curiously there was little, or no, confusion when I dressed my daughter in blue. ”
This is quite amazing that baby boys are targeted by adults to conform to what adults want baby boys to be.
Yes the stereotyping and imposition about how boys ‘should’ be is very deeply entrenched. One step at a time we can change this.
Yes John, it is amazing and from my observations of my reactions and those of others around me it is very ingrained and accepted as normal. I can still find myself being grabbed by the old patterns of pink for a girl, blue for a boy, when I am buying something for a child and it feels so horrible but at the same time, so familiar in my body. This is one familiar I am dismantling one step of awareness at a time.
Yes boys and girls are raised in a very separatist way, it would be very beautiful growing up with the other gender and not feeling this huge difference between you and the boy or the girl because it is not emphasised as much by our parents and society and made about who we are inside instead which is very much the same.
Yes, it would be so liberating to be brought up this way, free from the expectations that have been ingrained into our society. I see often that girls and boys from an early age are aware they are being treated differently. Crazy really, for if we observe very young children most of them don’t separate their playmates into gender. Unfortunately it doesn’t take long for this to begin to change and gender separation becomes the norm.
“I would support him to be himself in a world which is set up for him to be anything but the true man he innately was born to be.” as someone that is raising a chlid this advice is the advice that I fully embrace. How amazing to raise children to be all they are and not anything they are not.
I am sure that this demonstration of tenderness and sensitivity from new fathers is not a rarity in the maternity unit and I am now starting to observe these same natural qualities shown in various situations during the day. In the supermarket the other day I heard one man congratulate another on the news he was going to be a father and when they hugged, in the middle of the aisle, I saw tears of joy in the eyes of the one offering the congratulations. It was a beautiful moment in time, one it would be wonderful to see more often.
Working in maternity there is absolutely no doubting the deep sensitivity and tenderness that men naturally are and to see a man holding a new born baby surrendered to these qualities is very precious.
The constant created tension because of these false pictures and ideals, that need to be fulfilled, must be enormous !!
These seemingly “innocent” ways of treating boys and girls, when they are younger, are pure lies. The only thing they want: keeping us to stay in the false roles we grow into. So that the world can continue to disfunction – it is a perfect set up to actually raise vessels of energy that just follow the mainstream.
It is important for women to see the stereotypes we have accepted from society about what a man should be. These unconscious beliefs are part of the feedback loop that keeps men trapped in being disconnected from who they are. When we women stereotype men, they are boxed and held to be less. Therefore all our relationships will be less than what we are capable of.
I so agree Fiona that women have a huge part to play in the stereotyping of men and therefore they are the ones that can start to support them to dismantle the constricting exteriors that they have had to construct to be accepted as a man in this world. And when men are able to truly claim who they are then all men, all women and the world benefit in so many wonderful ways.
Yes, how much force do we have to call in to bury our innate delicateness. Many girls are also raised to bury their innate tender sensitive nature, I certainly was.
The whole world is saying boys you can’t express your true self, there is no space and no leniency for you to do so. How would we expect boys to grow up to be? That they only allow themselves to be a certain way, mostly hardened and with protection because they are expected to be that way. This limited way they allow themselves will be the limited way they know how to be with others and women. In understanding men, we could never judge their lack of worth or overt arrogance, as these are their coping mechanisms to just survive. The responsibility of us women is to never hold back our expression in being all that we are, never hold back all our tenderness and power, our love and understanding, our acceptance and vulnerability, our speaking up of what we feel in how we are treated. Together we are able to become much more.
I agree Adele that as women we have a huge responsibility not to hold back who we naturally are; our “tenderness and power, our love and understanding, our acceptance and vulnerability, our speaking up of what we feel in how we are treated”. When we begin to express from a place of deep honesty we then offer the foundation for men to begin to feel their true selves and from there the long closed doorway to living in harmony will be once again wide open.
Pitted against one another in an underlying gender face-off, leaves us all so poor of the richness of collaboration, respect and honouring relationships.
The divine beings that are far greater than we are choosing to live.
And this is how the cycle of raising boys is perpetuated, Willem, by parents who were programmed in their childhood as to what a ‘real man’ is. Add to that, the reality that every parent wants to protect their children from what they see the challenges of the world so maybe they see by preparing their son to harden up that he will be ‘safe’ from what comes at him. Unfortunately though, in the process of hardening up the true man is smothered, but in truth, never lost.
A beautiful understanding of the expectations placed on men and the reality of how this effects us all. “What did it feel like to be a man in a world that expected him to be tough, macho and in control of his emotions: what made him ‘tick,’ what were his fears, his joys and was he really being the man he knew he could be? A great question for all to ponder on and allow men’s true expression and tenderness to flourish.
“I can also see that I had been well and truly programmed into believing the many ideals, beliefs and stereotypes that are attached to being a man.” I have noticed about myself that when I stand next to the man, I don’t feel like the woman. I still feel like a younger version of the truly powerful, responsible ‘woman’ that I am. This brings me to realise that this can only be the product of too many corrupt ideals and beliefs that I have bought into over the years, of what a man is meant to do and provide and be for me. I have done everything I possibly can to avoid being the ‘woman’, the responsible grown-up one, the capable all powerful one. And here again I see the corrupt ideals and beliefs that I have bought into about being a woman also. In my rejecting of them I have still bought, owned and become them. of them. I wonder if this makes sense to any other women reading this comment.
Men when left with feeling the connection with themselves they are deeply tender and sensitive like all women are. When men around me are hard from their conditioning and forget this, I will remember to not be hard and will show my vulnerability.
It does not make sense to impose on boys or girls how they should be when we are already enough just as we are.
Every day love teaches me to recorrect many human ways to return to a loving divine way, including how I am with men.
I agree Julie. It is so easy to feel that the men who have commented all have a wonderful story to tell and these stories need to get out into the world to the men of all ages who are stuck in the societal patterns of what a man is expected to be. I will so love to see these beautiful men share their stories of how their lives have changed since reclaiming the tender and sensitive man that they innately are. What fantastic role models they will be for all those young boys who are in the process of becoming men so they do not lose the truth of who they are during this transformation.
“I knew from my own experience growing up that it was hard enough being a girl and then a woman in the world, at times feeling that I wasn’t being who I knew I truly was but who I was expected to be: I simply rolled with the expectations that society had of a woman, and therefore I should know how to be and how I should act to fulfil these ideals and beliefs. I wanted to fit in, be ‘normal,’ so I went along with the crowd.” I can fully relate to this, however, I took it one step further and learned to harden my body up so as to match any man in competition with me. If I could be like a typical ‘strong’ man in the world, I would be accepted by him, wouldn’t I? I would fit in. I would be safe and I would survive the onslaught of life coming at me.
I love reading the responses from men about how life is for them as men as it brings greater understanding for all of us and offers a pondering for other men to go deeper with what they are choosing for their lives.
I have two boys of which the elder of the two loves to wear pink. He is nine years old and is aware and has been for some time the beliefs and ideals about men and boys wearing the colour pink but it doesn’t phase him, in fact he enjoys as a young man reflecting the colour pink.
In the dishonouring of ourselves as women, in the fight to compete with men, we have had to toughen up, harden up and become more dominant in the work place. In short, we as women have chosen to become more male in our approach to life to simply survive and create equality. In that we have, on the whole, buried our tender and sensitive natures and do not reflect to men, on masse, what it means to express from this place… is it no wonder then that we don’t bring up our boys to be the sensitive, caring men they naturally are because the space is not provided for them to be so?
It is so true Rachel that many women have almost done as much denying of who they truly are as men have, simply to achieve a very distorted view of what they believe equality is. But with women by trying to be just like men the energy that they are bringing into their bodies is male energy which simply has no place in a women’s body. No wonder women are suffering from many illnesses and diseases specifically related to being a woman, as living in a body in this amount of confusion is so damaging and eventually they will be brought to a stop.
Yes Rachel, when reconnecting to our own tender, sweet, sensitive selves we cannot help but see and feel the these qualities in our men too, so allowing them to reconnect too without expectations of how they should be.
As women if we are attracted to men who present as macho or tough we need to take a look at what it is within us that wants this. Why do we not want to allow men to be of their true tender nature, and why are we uncomfortable with this? If we need men to be a certain way to feel good about ourselves we most certainly have a need that needs looking at. If we are comfortable within ourselves we can allow men to be as they are naturally without the expectations for them to be a certain way. This is truly loving for ourselves and for them.
Absolutely agree Shirley-Ann. And this is what I have shared with the children in my life from a very early age and over the years I haven’t stop reminding them. Who knows how their lives will unfold from here but at least within the foundation that carries them through life there will always be the message that they are beautiful just the way they are.
What lies within each man and woman is the same quality of essence, the same quality of being. The tenderness and fragility of our physical form which we will often deny and try to suppress is there to remind us of the fact that we are far from tough and hard. And as each of us in our time come back to this truth, we remind everyone else of this as well.
Brilliant Ingrid – there is, you are right, so much junk we have absorbed about who we are. In truth all we need to do is just be – it is that simple. Nothing more complicated is asked. We no longer need the cloaks of gender, or race to obscure our innate grace.
It is very inspiring to read about our innate grace… a reminder and foundation for our daily lives.
A beautiful invitation offered here for all women to behold and cherish the men in their lives as the tender, sensitive, strong and loving beings they are. Thank you, Ingrid.
And a marker of what we can continue to reflect to the next generation coming through.
Knowing who we truly are – everything falls into place.
“I certainly don’t feel for a moment that the fabric of the world would fall apart if little boys were encouraged to retain their tenderness and their sensitivity, ….” If little boys were allowed to retain and live from their tenderness into manhood then surely competition, comparison etc. would increasingly dissolve and hence the world, as we know it, would fall apart?
Well said Jonathan, I’m willing to give it a go.
How similar are we, to the end product from a car manufacturing plant? We start with the raw material, and what comes out the other end is what someone has decided, what they felt, it should look and be.
The same model through and through yet we choose to present a different display model time and time again.
I agree little boys should be able to retain their natural tenderness. It’s like we put an actual character costume on them and say now you have to play that part forever. It makes sense that they would either have to absorb this totally or at some point start cracking under the pressure to exist as someone they aren’t.
So very true Sandra: “It’s like we put an actual character costume on them and say now you have to play that part forever”. How suffocating this must be and yes, something’s going to crack at some point in time. After all men are calling in a huge and unnatural force to counteract who they in essence truly are. How very exhausting is that?
Each of us is returning to simply ‘being God through the eyes of God’.
For many years I used to say men are little boys in big bodies. What I was picking up was their vulnerability, tenderness and innocence. If we value these qualities and see them as precious and treat them as so, maybe we would not expect them to work so hard to hide these qualities.
Looking back over my life I can never remember being encouraged to value tenderness, in fact it was a word that I heard so rarely and I certainly didn’t relate to me as a girl or to a boy. Unfortunately, tenderness has been added to the list of what we have been led to believe are words of weakness, like delicateness, fragility and vulnerability. I love that finally these beautiful words are getting to be understood as words of strength, words that apply to men and women equally so.
Young boys are amazing, they are so sweet, delicate, sensitive and expressive. If we could parent so that they could hold onto these amazing qualities – wow – the world would change for the better.
What examples would these men then reflect to women of the quality that could live?
If boys were raised to hold onto their tenderness it would also call on the girls and women to honour themselves as equally delicate. I know from experience that tender men hold women and other men as equal to that tenderness.
That’s a great point Leigh, as a woman if we encounter a delicate man we simply can’t fight it, and when we do we are actually fighting our own delicacy. It’s brilliant when we can all pull each other up to be more than what we currently accept.
I agree Leigh, we can all equally inspire each other to live the the tenderness and delicacy we naturally are and it is beautiful to experience it with other of the same and opposite gender.
So, so true Leigh and what a beautiful reflection that would be when man is so at ease with the tenderness and sensitivity that is naturally part of him that all those who meet him cannot but feel the same in themselves.
And this way we support each other to lay down our armour and protection and step into our days with this innate tenderness as our natural way to be.
How absolutely divine would it be living in a world where there is no stereotyping or gender biases and competition between the sexes and just us in our divineness and love expressing to each other from a body that is adored and respected, in honour of what it brings for all.
It would be and can be; we just have to live in a way which honours everyone as equally divine beings no matter what gender they are. For me this starts with deeply honouring myself then it comes naturally.
We have enough to work on within ourselves without worrying about how the opposite sex sees us. If we focus on being ourselves we will radiate our true essence regardless of who is looking.
Rebecca a great point, it can be more than enough to start to work on ourself and our quality and relationship with who we are without needing to always be thinking how others are thinking of us.
As women, we certainly do put a lot of effort into making sure men can see us, in fact there are whole industries geared to convince us this is what we need to do to ‘get a man’. But instead of focusing on what others may think of us it makes more sense to ‘focus on being ourselves” for as you say so wisely “we will radiate our true essence regardless of who is looking”. This is definitely a powerful ripple effect from living who we truly are.
Being a man or a woman has challenges in an every day sense, but if we see each other as the soul we are, the challenges begin to drop away.
I would love to place a new born baby boy in your arms, Ingrid, knowing that he would be honoured and free from imposition from the get go. Actually, this we can do with every man we meet, behold them with this same respect and reverence, so they remember the tenderness and sweetness they innately are.
We have been reprogramed from who we truly are for whatever reason. We also have a reset button, that is hardly used but our original self is still within us and has always been just a choice away.
Steve, I love the idea that you have a ‘reset button….always just a choice away’. And by you choosing to reset yours you are naturally going to be inspiring other men to reset theirs – and then watch the ripples of change begin to flow from man to man!
Men face a lot of stereotypes about how they should behave to be ‘real men’. Women are also not free from stereotypes about men – how they should be as a partner, father, provider etc. These stereotypes narrow down what we expect in our relationships with men. They reduce the depth of what we can share together and what men feel safe to express with us.
There is so much pressure on our young boys, and girls too, to be something they are not, and as far as I understand it that has always been the case. We just have to look back at how children were treated in the past, and it seems boys were expected to be much tougher from a very young age, and girls were expected to keep themselves busy at home, looking after the house and children and basically be subservient to the men. It has changed today, in that women ‘appear’ to be more equal to men, but is this really true? Or have they become hard in their bodies to prove to the world that they are as tough? This is not true equality and is not honouring of men or women. Only when we truly honour each other for the true qualities that we each hold within us, and both live those qualities to the full, will we be truly equal.
I get the feeling, from my own life experience and from observing women around me, that our supposed equality has come at a huge price. And that price is the unnatural hardening of a woman’s beautiful and naturally delicate body, in the process opening her up to possible illness and disease. True equality comes from a man honouring his innate tenderness and a woman honouring her delicateness and then each one appreciating and honouring the other equally so.
A beautiful reflection for us all fitting in and playing roles expected of us when really we want to honour our own natural being-ness and love.
Yes, when we succumb to expectations we can lose sense of who we truly are, ‘at times feeling that I wasn’t being who I knew I truly was but who I was expected to be’.
“It now makes sense that if they hadn’t been raised to know who they were beneath their macho behaviours, how on earth were they going to understand me as a woman? – I didn’t understand me!” – so well captured Ingrid. Over the last few years I have been getting to truly understand myself, how I feel, why I feel like I do, to find simultaneously that it’s allowed me to understand another person. The more we understand ourselves, the more we understand people.
It’s been exactly the same for me Zofia. In fact, the ripple effect of coming to understand me in much greater depth has been so unexpected but so very joyful. I simply love the growing understanding I have of not just me but all those around me including the beautiful men in my life. These days when I see a man who is trying to be the ‘tough guy’ I can instantly see behind this mask to the tender and sensitive man that he naturally is. And by me taking the time to see him I know that he is able to feel that man for himself.
Men are naturally sensitive and deeply caring and when this is expressed in moments in my life the reflection touches me deeply. It is incredibly beautiful when a man lives in the joy of responding from who he truly is.
I was brought up to have all the ideals and beliefs of how a man should be, the provider, protector who doesn’t cry etc, and it has been a bumpy road shedding all that nonsense, but it feels amazing not to be contracted to it anymore.
“And I have also noticed that boys are often referred to as little men whereas I can’t remember anyone calling a little girl a little woman very often” – that’s so true Ingrid! And when i hear about the “little man” being said it can often have an endearing edge to it too via belief as if the little boy/child is strong, bold, courageous etc, everything a man should be. And is similar when grown up women are referred to as “girls”.. and so is like for the males they have to be old, macho and grown up, whereas for females they are to be little, small, reduced, younger. The only true standard to be applied, is the standard of love that honours more love to be.
I never considered as I grow up that men had it tough, I remember conversations with adults and it was always poor women suffering, men ruling the roost, and while I see that machismo is prevalent and women are subjugated, there is more to it than that, anyone less or more in society is something for us all to look at,
Men have not been supported as young boys to hold onto the natural tenderness and sweetness, and women have not helped in that area as we tried to compete with and want to beat men and so hard to go hard in the process. If a man were in the presence of a truly graceful and tender woman who was in deep honour of herself, he could not but help melt in her presence.
I agree Julie that women have not helped the situation we find ourselves in where there has been a ‘battle of the sexes’ for such a long time. Women’s Lib helped in some ways to bring some changes to the inequality that was so prevalent but it seemed to me that it also created more problems between men and women with one of them being that women were encouraged to out-man the men to succeed in this world. This meant taking on the male energy which is totally foreign to women’s precious bodies and in the process denying the men the sacredness that women are here to bring to the world. This is definitely a situation where we are all are harmed and one where the gap between us has grown even bigger.
What a beautiful exposing of the many ideals and beliefs attached to being a man and the true, sensitivity ,tenderness and vulnerability they truly are. Allowing ourselves to feel who we are in open ness and love expressing divinely is so beautiful to feel and appreciate.
It is a bit of a set up really when you stop to consider it as you have brilliantly done here Ingrid. We load men up with expectations and ideals about how they should be which are against their true nature so they are encouraged to reject themselves and then when they fail to meet these expectations they feel rejected by the World or others. It is a double whammy of hurt that crushes men and can hold them hostage their whole life if they allow it. However there is another way to live and the key is to reconnect with our true essence or natural state of being as men and then everything else will be seen for the lies that they are.
It is awesome to witness men becoming more tender, open and strong in their own true selves and to hear them express in a powerful and loving way.
I absolutely agree Elaine that “it is awesome to witness men becoming more tender…”. And all around me I am beginning to see this and sometimes in the most unexpected ways. But I am also seeing young, soon to be teenage boys already starting to slide into the societal expectations and am observing the changes that are taking place, changes that are slowly closing down the tender and sensitive boy that they were born to be. These boys are desperately needing true role models of what it is to be a man.
“Being a Man – Through the Eyes of a Woman” Ingrid and imagine if it was also the case of — ‘being a woman – through the eyes of a man’ – relationships today would be truer, enriching, understanding, loving, and evolving. The way it truly ought to be.
Those expectations have been the absolute down fall of who we are as Men and Women today. That ingrained way of being believing we are something that we are not because that is what everyone else is doing and what we are being told. Saying no to this and returning to our inner essence where we know exactly who we are is such a special and inevitable process. Letting go of the pictures and expectations and simply allowing ourselves to be who we are.
I can remember many situations in my life when I struggled to understand why I had done something or had said something that at the time simply didn’t feel like it was coming from me. It felt very confusing. I now realise that I actually was not living who I truly was, as that wonderful girl/woman had been buried under many layers of beliefs, pictures and societal expectations of what was it was to be a woman in this world. And when you have the majority of humanity living like this it is no wonder that the world is in disharmony, as the initial disharmony has begun in our own body from not living who we truly are.
Ingrid i so enjoyed re-reading this post to find such gems inside. The one that’s struck me this time is the way you say you understand yourself in regards ideals, beliefs, conditionings…and then apply that same understanding to the man you’re “laughing with, having fun with” and so on — and that he too is suffering from ‘pictures’ the exact same as you as a woman. This way of observing a man in the same as we do ourselves as woman is equalising and building, it is the way to be in relationship.
We are like prisoners who walk around with the bars attached to our being, when we subscribe to these ideals and beliefs about what a man is. If you are nice or more polite than the ‘average guy’ you’re just as trapped in the lies. Let’s not cap any more the delicacy, tenderness and Love that we hold – for as you show Ingrid – we’ve got it all, so let’s not hold it back from the world.
Spoken by a truly tender and powerful man. Thank you, Joseph.
Thank you Ingrid. Truly gorgeous and as a man I feel deeply honoured, appreciated and loved by what you have written. Being shown by example that to be a real man, to be me, is to allow and live from tenderness has been a revelation and a release. A release from the imprisonment of striving to be something and someone that was not me. Although painful and challenging at times it has been, and still is, an on-going journey of un-foldment which is so liberating.
When I read your words “a release from the imprisonment of striving” I could feel the prison doors finally being flung open wide and all the shackles of the past beginning to dissolve. And I could sense that this relates to not only men but women as well, as we too have imprisoned ourselves by the beliefs we have taken on, as how it is to be a woman in this world. Time for a mass prison break!
Bringing awareness to and letting go the pictures of how we think a man should be and look like frees us up to have a relationship with a man that otherwise we may not even consider because he did not fit our picture. This is a work in progress for me the more pictures I let go of the more I realise I have..
It is a shame that we are not supported to be ourself and on so many levels we are expected to tick boxes and fit a picture that doesn’t actually support us at all.
‘He was the one on the white horse who would save me from the world and we would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after – this ending was definitely not one to count on!’ Oh dear this one still runs itself at times and then I can get resentful it’s not the case which is doubly toxic!
There is a lot of pressure to fit in, even it means being something we are not.
I love the photo of these two gorgeous men. It reminds me that it is never too late to reconnect to our innermost essence and with that connection we find both the sacredness and the tenderness that are so precious to us all and are of no gender.
Such a gorgeous observation Kathleen on the fact that “it is never too late to reconnect to our innermost essence”. I for one can definitely attest to that as can many others of a similar age. We are certainly dismantling the belief that we can’t change the way we are which leaves so many stuck in the way it has always been and so disconnected from who they truly are and all the joy and the glory that comes with this reconnection.
The last three points in this article about what you would do, Ingrid, if someone placed a newborn baby boy into your arms and asked you to raise him, are so exquisite and respectful… I am already meeting the tender, strong, beholding man that would step out of these arms.
I grew up thinking as a woman I was more likely to have sexism or constraints on me, as I have grown and taken stock of life and culture it is clear that men have it tough as well. We think ‘oh well they are in charge’, but it is a prison of our own making, for us all, when we perpetuate stereotypes.
Yes, I also thought it was women who had it tough and men were the ones dictating how things were when actually we’re imprisoned by stereotypes and it is harmful because stereotypes by definition are generalisations that here, clearly is based on a reality not the truth of who we are. People don’t get seen for who they are so when someone relates to them from the narrow filter that is a stereotype, they are invited to conform to it just to be seen to some degree. So wonderful blogs like this are written so we have a chance to see the damage these stereotypes do to both genders.
I love your ‘manifesto’ here Ingrid, at the end of your blog about how you would raise young boys knowing what you now know – very beautiful and I have no doubt that if we were to put this into practice our men and our societies would end up very different and much more harmonious.
It’s interesting what you say Ingrid about men being referred to as little men but girls not being referred to as little women. Often the term little woman is used by husbands about their wives. Either way the terms are about moulding someone, so they don’t feel a connection to who they are, in effect keeping us small.
As a woman I thought men had it easier, in fact I spent much of my early life trying to be a boy because I thought I would be more accepted and be able to do more things. But boys and men actually have it as tough as women do so WHO is beating this drum that we are all running our lives to?
The key to raising a true man is to get ourselves out of the way when he is a boy and not allow the false ideals and beliefs we cultivate as a society towards men to overshadow that which is innately within him and will naturally be expressed if not supressed in any way.
And the simplicity of this, Liane, really exposes the madness of how we overlay our innate wisdom and qualities with an intellect that is detached from love.
I’ve played to all those roles, moulding myself to be the builder, the strong man, the problem solver etc and what feels the worst is how much effort is needed to then break these patterns of behaviour to simply feel what is natural to us, scraping off that layer of expectation to get to simply what is real.
No matter what blaming each other is never empowering so it feels much simpler to understand ourselves and each other and to give to ourselves as women what we want men to give us. In this process of a deeper understanding of ourselves, we deepen our understanding of men and this love we do not hold back for ourselves open up the awareness of why men are the way they are and the love they are expressing to us (although it may not be our expected way) becomes apparent.
Great Blog – we can easily trace back all that we are now to every choice and behaviour we adopted along the way. It pays to open our eyes to see that we are far greater than a ‘gender’ and to conform to another views of who and what we should be, negates our true knowing, our own expression and style.
Great article, Ingrid! Gorgeous photo of two joyful, tender and sensitive young men. Your article expresses how cultural and societal attitudes, beliefs and ideals shape how we raise our children from the time they are born. It is wonderful that we are nominating what we have accepted as ‘normal’ in raising children, but which is not honouring the preciousness of the innate person, each child was born to be and to support children to express what they feel in their own unique ways.
There are way too many accepted and rarely questioned ‘normals’ in regards to raising children and they, in my opinion, need to be looked at very carefully as to the effect they are having on our precious young. One in particular is the ignoring of the fact that each child is unique and is not meant to fit in the many boxes we as adults tend to place them in. It is their uniqueness, their inner essence, that is such an essential part of this world and that needs to be supported and nurtured from day one.
While we are not seeing ourselves in full, who we truly are, would we be able to see others as they truly are?
My answer to your question Christoph, would be a definite no. It makes sense that if we do not see the amazingness that we are than we will naturally see others through the same distorted lenses. In fact, if we are not acknowledging all of who we are the reflection from another is most likely to arise comparison, and then jealousy, in us as we see shining from them the light that could be shining from us.
It is great to be able to shed the shackles of what a so called man is supposed to be and just be who we truly are. This sometimes happens gracefully with age as I watched my dad mellow from a pretty hard man to be very loving and tender with his grand kids.
It must be the most amazing process to shed these shackles Kevin and I would love to hear the stories of men like yourself who are coming to re-discover the beautiful and tender men that they always have been.
Women tend to have an ideal in their heads of what they want in a man. This feeds the pressure and expectations that men feel and leads to a belief that they need to be a certain way. At the end of the day, what matters most? The tick box list of things we think we want, or the qualities of kindness, sensitivity, tenderness and love?
How great to speak about men in a way that bucks the trend of macho, tough and strong. Well done for saying this so simply.
The world is starved of real men due to the fact that we have shaped men to be something that is entirely out of their essence, so that we now have the ‘hard and toughened’ man at great expense to the true and delicate man we all know and greatly miss and that still lives beneath this barrier.
The true and delicate man is much more powerful. The hard and tough one – is he brittle and protective and hurt?
I love this very much Ingrid I am inspired to a deeper commitment to myself and to allow this understanding and tenderness towards myself be how I understand men. This breaks down a lot of my expectations of how a man should be but in the process of understanding myself, I am understanding men deeper and we are understanding each other deeper.
I remember my son crying at his sixth birthday party and overhearing his grandfather telling him that he wasn’t allowed to cry on his birthday. My immediate feeling was that that was what my son’s grandfather had been told by an adult in his life when he cried at his own birthday party. I went over, gently picked my son up and took him outside where I knew simply connecting him back to nature would bring him back to himself. The next day I brought his grandfather’s comment up and shared with my son the feeling that I had had and how I felt his grandfather was simply repeating what had been said to him as a young boy. I assured my son that there was never a right or a wrong time to cry, and that sometimes adults felt uncomfortable around people who cried because those same adults weren’t allowed to cry when they were younger. My son continued to cry happily well into his early teenage years although had I not overheard his grandfather’s comment and had a chance to address the energy it came in, I wonder if this would have been the case.
In our essence, we are all equally exquisitely tender, precious and loving. The more we as woman express our sacredness the more our men will claim theirs.
Certainly, there is an expectation that comes with men – as you share here – that they should be tough, fix things, open doors and save women. But as I was reading this I realised that as a woman, I have always felt the expectations put on us, and much of me took on those ideals and beliefs to be a ‘better’ woman. And in this, something in me held men to ransom on fitting their mould and stereotype because I was trying so hard to fit my own.
Thank you Ingrid for your prompt response on sharing your observations and the actual rediiculous loops of ideals and beliefs we have been fed. Those examples, that you have given, are so false and pushing away the inevitable tenderness that we have and are made from as we recognize in our children. So it is time to strip the ideals and beliefs off and show the world our truth.
I was talking to an old friend some months ago and he started to open up about his childhood and this was a first time in the 15 or so years I have known him that he had ever mentioned his childhood. I got the feeling that he had a difficult childhood from both sets of parents who had very set ideas on how he was to be raised and what he was to be in life. And this strict upbringing has had a very detrimental effect on him as he lives in complete disregard to himself.
It certainly doesn’t take long when a man begins to share about his childhood, as your friend did, before you can understand what has brought them to the place they are today. I love hearing men sharing about themselves and even though they may have had to toughen up to be in this world it is so easy to feel the tenderness and sensitivity that has never left them.
I agree, I grew up thinking that men and women where really different, that women where the victim and men where bad. This I got from the situations and conversations I encountered as I grew up. It has taken some years too let that go and know the we are profoundly equally beautiful. I have children now and I will not make one gender less than another, we are born to live together with love not be separate and against each other.
I have spent the last few days helping out with Christmas wrapping at a major department store and have fully felt the depth of love and care men will go to to find presents for their family and loved ones. This we don’t see on our social screens but it’s felt in our every day interaction if we stop to take note and appreciate.
Men in their true nature, is far from the perceived norm we have created for men to be. It is time that we made it safe for boys to be tender and sensitive so that they are able to truly express how they are.
Life fills men up with the very opposite of the sweetness they are. Like toxic waste we are deeply polluted. It’s our choice and role, to bring to life our tenderness again and show this is not unusual or weird but what every man has within. Thank you Ingrid for this fitting tribute.
I used to act tough and sometimes maybe it was almost believable by my behaviour but the person I never fooled was me. I used to get in fights, some I won and some I didn’t and I had a reputation for being a hard rugby player but all of this was because there was no one there to show me that it was ok to be sweet and tender.
It’s so important to see how we could be contributing to stigmas and ideals, not out of judgement but if we’re honest about it then we can endeavour to change it!
I love the photo here of guys simply being open and transparent about how tender and sensitive they are. It’s beautiful.
Colour coding infants is an apt and sobering description of the way we conform with the world when dressing baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink. The images, expectations, ideals and beliefs start early and don’t reflect who we truly are.
‘the one on the white horse who would save me from the world and we would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after’ – if we build a connection with ourselves, to our essence and see men for the equal qualities we know ourselves to be, then this and many other expectations would not be imposed on them.
Allowing ourselves to be who we are without the constants of ideals and beliefs from our society is deeply beautiful an amazing freedom and expansion of our natural way honouring our tenderness and sensitivity. A beautiful sharing with understanding and true love for all.
A friend of mine has a son who is the most delicate tender boy I have ever met – she is parenting him in a way that allows him to be absolutely who he is, and I trust he will grow up and retain that tenderness with confidence.
That is beautiful news, Carmel, a man’s tenderness treasured and nurtured is a gift for us all.
Ingrid, I have felt this way too; ‘I remember blaming some of the men I was in relationship with for not being sensitive to my needs, for not running after me if I ran away, for not knowing when I needed a hug and so much more,’ I remember expecting the men in my life to be sensitive and express what they were feeling and I would feel disappointed when they did not, I can feel now that there is so much pressure on boys and men to not be sensitive and to not express what they are feeling that there needs to be understanding from us as women as to why men maybe holding back and feel unable to express and be themselves and for us to encourage and support men and boys to return to their natural sensitivity and tenderness.
What has amazed, and saddened, me lately is the number of times I hear women telling their sons to harden up, don’t be a sissy and other self-denying statements. I used to think that it was mainly men who expected their sons to toughen up to meet the world but it is obvious that many women have the same expectations. So, to bring ourselves to a point of change in the world it is both men and women who need to begin to respect little boys for the naturally sensitive beings that they are and support them to retain this beautiful essence as they grow.
Before I had my son, I remember a mother telling her 10 year-old son not to be a ‘girl’s blouse’. I too felt saddened hearing this mother’s comment to her young son, Ingrid – it shook me to my core even as I felt it shaking him to his core. I wondered how this young boy would ever stand a chance of retaining his beautiful sensitivity when his own mother spoke to him in this manner. I didn’t have the courage at the time to lovingly call her out, but my feeling now is that given the chance to re-imprint, I wouldn’t hesitate to gently address the comment, call the energy out and see if together we could look deeper in to where this conditioning was stemming from and the impact it might be having. Sometimes we parent in an unconscious way without considering the consequence of our words and actions.
I too wonder how we came to have these strange customs of what is right for boys and girls, exclusive of the other such as colour, blue for boys and pink for girls. And the myriad of different rules we have for each sex when growing up such as toys etc. Many of these are naturally broken as each child left to their own devices chooses naturally what they are interested in at the time, boys and dolls and girls and cars.
Yes Roslyn, there seem to be many “strange customs” that we have taken on throughout time without ever questioning the truth of them, such as the blue/pink labelling of our children. I am sure if we offered our children a variety of clothes of many colours, shapes and sizes they would naturally choose the ones that felt true to them, ones that would express who they are. But sadly, there will be adults who will try to tell them what to wear simply to fit into their lifetime of programming about what girls and boys should wear.
As women when we begin to fully accept our own sensitivity and tenderness we will be able to appreciate these equal qualities in men and not have an expectation that they need be anything other than themselves.
Meeting a man or woman, as they are, not laden with the expectations and pictures we may hold is a joy as we get to meet them in their essence.
One day we shall all look out from the eyes of God and only see ourselves.
Beautiful Alexis, as from this view we are indeed genderless.
Indeed the most impressive men I have ever known have met me with with their innate care, protection and tenderness.
Thank you Ingrid for such a perceptive, insightful and loving honouring of men.
I am sure we would have less war and hate and discontent in the world if our little boys were encouraged to ‘retain their tenderness and their sensitivity.’
And to express them openly so others are offered the space and permission to feel and do the same.
A man I know asked for some advice about what Christmas present he should get his son under the instructions that it must be ‘hand made’. I suggested writing a letter to him, sharing what he loved/appreciated about him. A comment came forth that was more for Mum’s thing than a Dad’s thing which I gently challenged this stereotype. The person reflected on that and saw that it could be a thing Dad’s could do. It is good to challenge the stererotypes we have around men (and others), I know I like it when mine are challenged.
This is such a beautiful suggestion Sarah and it has inspired me to share it with the adults around me. And it has also inspired me to write similar letters to my grandchildren, both the boys and the girls. I am sure that by constantly confirming the amazing beings that they are is offering them a compass to help navigate their way through the very challenging world that they are growing up in. How I would have loved this conformational compass when I was growing up.
The feeling of removing the expectations on men to be a certain way is something that all men would recognise however now it feels just as amazing to work on removing this for ourselves so that we live and express from our true qualities without needing permission from society.
I am blessed to know some truly astonishing men and be able to call them friends.
Yes, that’s a great question Ingrid, who did decide that we needed to colour code young children and that boys would need to wear blue? Only recently at work I was aware of myself stopping for a moment when choosing a bib for a child as the father was there early to pick him up. This surprised me and I did choose a lovely pink one but was initially hesitant as I felt the need to please and satisfy the belief. This reflected how if we don’t have a strong sense of self, we enjoin or bow to outside ridiculous beliefs that have absolutely nothing to do with the person.
It never ceases to amaze me as to how deep this programming is from the beliefs we have grown up with and have, in general, lived without question. I can so relate to that moment of hesitation that you had as I have clocked myself doing the same on many occasions. But how wonderful that you chose the pink one. What a blessing for that young child.
Stereotyping and putting men and boys in a box only serves to separate and we definitely do not need more separation between men and women.
True Nikki. Stereotyping separates everyone. In fact the first separation that happens is us from our own inner heart: instead of sensing life, honouring what we feel and thus being responsive to what is required in the moment to support every one equally, if we go with the stereotyping, we end up trying to act out the role and fulfill the expectation and thus completely ignoring the immediacy of our inner heart. Every one loses out.
The more we treasure ourselves, the more we will treasure everyone in every relationship that we have, whether the person is young, old, male female ….. it doesn’t matter, we are all divine beings to be deeply appreciated and treasured.
I couldn’t agree more Alison that we “are all divine beings to be deeply appreciated and treasured” and that the treasuring and appreciating begins with each and every one of us; a beautiful lesson that needs to be shared with children from a very early age.
A beautiful invitation to take the responsibility we all have to live in a way, either by reflection or support, that allows men to be in relationship with their true qualities of tenderness, deep caring and adoring beholding of women.
So true Matilda. Empowering men to return to their innate tenderness and immensely caring natures is a responsibility we all hold. Therefore it is equally important for women to appreciate just how tender men are. The more we express our own fragility, the more it becomes second nature to appreciate and behold one another with respect and love.
Ingrid I too would like to meet the person or people that came up with all these silly rigid rules about how boys are to behave. I can remember going to a christening some while ago and the reception of tea and cakes was held in the village hall and while the elders were sitting around drinking tea and eating cake the little boys and girls were having such fun playing hide and seek under the tables, running around and enjoying themselves. They were all so gentle and accommodating with each other; no one was left out not even the very little toddlers that were a bit unsteady on their feet. It was heart warming to see them all playing together, so if we can be this way as children then why does it have to change when we get older? Why is it that men have to be men and women also have their roles to play, who said it had to be this way?
Thank you Ingrid! There is much need for change in how we raise our boys in particular. I shudder when I hear someone tell a young boy to be a man (when he is crying ) and not be a girl! This is demeaning on all fronts and surely a boy will feel resentful towards girls! Time for change !
True Roslyn. This example is very common and has led to a great deal of harm for both men and women. Definitely time for change.
When a young boy is told this, it buries the hurt of the tears into their bodies.
Life doesn’t leave us alone for a minute, it is purposefully designed to get us to leave our Home Base, which is why the techniques that are taught by Universal Medicine are so invaluable. Universal Medicine offers us all very practical ways of countering the constant onslaught of life’s forces. Connection to our body via either the breath or by simply being conscious are two such examples. These techniques are ways that we are able to re-connect us to ourselves and therefore have the ability to fundamentally change our experience of life.
It brings it home how we as women can have many interactions with men but don’t truly know them. I know his to be true for myself and how my ideals and beliefs have been colouring my perception of men and expecting them to act and be a certain way, which fitted my pictures.
Thanks, Ingrid. I love reading how you bring up a baby boy, as a new set of principles to live by in love and honouring of all men and boys, and we need to stop accept anything less.
How can we judge other people when we don’t know the details of their history, upbringing, past encounters and so forth? We don’t know what has gotten that person to where they are today, in a positive or negative sense, but we can apply equal understanding and love and present a new opportunity for anyone to be inspired by this.
I love this perspective about the fact that if it is hard for a girl to grow up in to a woman without being hindered by all the ideals and expectations imposed upon her, then surely it must be just as difficult for a boy, and the fact that any one side can think or expect the other to be behaving in a way that is not in reaction to the pressures placed upon them is merely a reduction of the truth that we can all see and feel, it is the truth and the reality of our existence which needs to be addressed.
It is amazing to feel and appreciate a man who is in his true power, gentle but powerful, holding and steady, I used have such strong ideas about what a man is, but I have met quite a few who are challenging these ideas and I am becoming more open to men being themselves without pushing my ideas of who they should be. It feels great and is very healing.
This is so true Shirley-Anne. We as women have a huge responsibility to “re-connect to our graceful way as a woman” and to live this grace and beauty in every moment. By doing so we then offer a strong reflection and foundation for the men in our lives to take that first step to reconnect to their innate tenderness and sensitivity. Then together we have the power to bring such glorious and long overdue change to our world; a world of equality and brotherhood.
Another way we retard men is by not teaching them how to cook, clean and run a household. Can you imagine moving out and not knowing how to take care of yourself, practically.
We suppress, squash and cattle prod our kids into pre-conceived notions of what we perceive men and women to be, which prevent them from actually being who they naturally are. We have made a sausage meat factory out of people.
I came from a long line of boys that were taught to be tough, we have a lineage in our family that dates all the way back to Scotland where my ancestors were heavy hitters in the Highland games, and it has been past down from generation to generation, this need to be strong and tough and be a man in that sense of the word. So you can imagine how liberating it is to find out that is not actually our natural way of being, but to be gentle and tender is. I know it is never too late to start anything, but it would be amazing to come into this life having that innate gentleness and tenderness nurtured instead of being knocked out of you.
Men start to feel rejection more when they aren’t honoured for their delicateness than when they can’t do something to look ‘tough’.
A subject to ponder on for me today is why these lessening ideals and beliefs are around about boys and girls. Could it be that they are there because we don’t like to be confronted with the divinity in boys and girls they are naturally with, because they do remember us being the same?
Yes Ingrid, we need to understand that if young boys and men have not been supported to express what they feel, this is something they will need to re-learn and develop. We can honour this process by bringing understanding and connecting to their essence first and foremost.
It is a joy to see how the men and boys who attend Universal Medicine presentations are now expressing from their innate tenderness rather than the force of ideal and beliefs imposed upon them in their early years.
Ingrid, what you are exposing here is so needed. “How much force does he have to call in to bury what he naturally is and what happens to his body and the state of his mental health as a result?” I have seen so many gorgeous, tender, sensitive little boys shut down those beatuiful qualities because of what was expected of them by their parents, relatives, friends, teachers etc. and how damaging it is. But I am also experiencing many men now who are reconnecting to these innate qualities that they have within them and it is an absolute joy to be witness to. In turn, it also allows us as women to be more deeply connected to who we are.
What a massive disservice we do to men when we expect them to express the exact polar opposite of who they truly are. It explains how atrocities arise in this world, an inevitable outcome if a person is forced to abandon their innate tenderness, integrity and love in the name of duty or other false obligations heaped upon them from an early age.
Its a very valid question to ask, how or when did these beliefs about how men should be first begin? like… who said it wasn’t okay for a boy to play with dolls?
All the expectations we have in society of men must leave very little room for a man to just be himself. It also feels quite joyless too, being expected to be responsible for so much and having to hold it all together for everyone. It feels like the perfect setup to not let men know who they are or for women to allow men to be who they are. No wonder there are so many difficult relationships!
I agree that the weight of expectations must be a heavy load to carry, and the responsibility that comes with them can be crippling. I see this in some of the men around me, most of who harden up and carry on but some thankfully are able to acknowledge that it is way too hard and eventually ask for help. To show your vulnerability in these situations is an absolute strength, not a weakness.
Appreciating the tenderness and sensitivity in men supports us as women to let go of the hardness that we have taken on to try and compete, rather than coming together in equality and love.
I sometimes wonder how long it will be until we as humans, whether we are male or female will be able to live how we feel to live without all the ideals, beliefs and expectations dumped on us generation after generation. We have changed a lot in this life time for the better, but we still have such a long, long way to go and there are still millions and millions who totally are entrenched in these age old false ways of being.
The beauty of your sharing Ingrid is very real and true and allows an amazing stillness honouring and grace for us all to ponder on and feel the truth of who we really are. You bring a beautiful understanding and way forward for all men and women to be and the letting go of all the ideals and beliefs we are taught and hold and allow our natural innate sensitivity to be lived.
The beauty of your sharing Ingrid is very real and true and allows an amazing stillness honouring and grace for us all to ponder on and feel the truth of who we really are. You bring a beautiful understanding and way forward for all men and women to be and the letting go of all the ideals and beliefs we are taught and hold and allow our natural innate sensitivity to be lived .
This is such a great topic of discussion and very much needed as our men of today have kept locked up inside, their natural tenderness and delicateness, not wanting to show this natural side of them for different reasons. And we as women, haven’t supported or nurtured this side of them by not choosing to be in our stillness and grace.
I agree Julie that this is a “great topic of discussion'” and how wonderful that the conversation has finally begun. Now it is up to of us to make sure that it doesn’t stop and keeps on expanding as this is the only way that these destructive beliefs that the majority of humanity live unquestioningly by will ever be replaced by the truth.
‘I certainly don’t feel for a moment that the fabric of the world would fall apart if little boys were encouraged to retain their tenderness and their sensitivity,..’ the majority of men who read this will have a part of them jumping up and down inside then emploring this to happen.
It is indeed a tragedy every time a young boy or man gives up his sensitivity to conform to society’s norms. Blogs like this are super important to start turning things around, making tenderness the new black..
When we raise children and honour who they are ( we have all been here before) they are given a solid foundation to stay true to themselves and to express their sensitivity. But it all starts with honouring ourselves first before we can honour and truly see another.
When I consider the sensitivity of men and young boys and what society expects of them it’s really quite brutal. Is it no wonder we have so much violence in our lives? Just considering boys playing full contact sport is just brutal but it’s seen as healthy and normal. Where are we at as a society?
Thank you Ingrid, it is very true what you share, there are unnecessary expectations placed on both men and women that have nothing to do with the truth of us. As we raise ourselves out of these untruths we will naturally begin to raise our children as you beautifully describe in the end of your article.
When tears and displays of sensitivity are not accepted, we are teaching the little boy that what he feels is not acceptable or wanted. We cannot wish our men to be more sensitive but instead allow our little boys to express what they are feeling without them being negated or rejected in these moments.
I so agree Rosanna. Having the men around us being able to express their feelings and their sensitivity can only happen if we “allow our little boys to express what they are feeling without them being negated or rejected”. A 12 year old boy I know told me recently that he had been told to harden up when he was expressing how he was feeling.
I asked him how that felt in his body and he replied that it felt horrible. He also added that there is no way he wants to harden up. That was great to hear and may he find this possible in a world that expects him to do the opposite.
Could it be when we stereo type any-one we are judging them and it is up to each individual to Love at the level of Love they understand and can live as a Truth. When we are Starting out with being at-least honest our relationship with everyone changes for the better.
Beautiful Ingrid, as a young man I resonate deeply with what is written here.
I love seeing men being tender and wearing pink. A man who is being tender is meltingly gorgeous to be around.
It’s really interesting when we start to wake up from, what was for me, a living nightmare to find that we have been sleepwalking through life like a flock of human-beings, all following and doing what everyone else is doing without ever questioning the way we are living, in such a one dimensional way. I thank heaven literally for meeting Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine as I have through my own efforts at last woken up to the fact that our lives are so constricted I felt the straight jacket go on when I was at primary school the way our education system is currently run is so detrimental to our natural way of life, we have allowed ourselves to be dominated by a system that dulls our awareness and our natural intelligence in favour of learning by rote.
In every man there is an unending depth of delicateness, tenderness and care, a sensitivity that surpasses what we tangibly consider – and yet, because it is not nurtured, it is kept shut away in a body that cannot but suffer the fact that it does not find it able or easy to express its natural way. As we nurture ourselves and then our men, young and old, the sensitivity and delicateness will return, and then we as women will truly melt in their arms and in ourselves.
It is incredible how we repeat patterns… do things to our children that were done to us, in spite of living with the desolation of not being met as us because we were stereotyped at birth. It is also very awesome to realise that it is never too late to make changes, to parent ourselves and any hurts we still carry and to approach every relationship we have in a fresh and freer way.
Yes the change is there, when we are given the opportunity to read an amazing blog like this which calls us all back to the basics of allowing and accepting of ourselves and those around us no matter what gender and what the world paints is the way to be.
Yep, it’s that age old thing that makes no sense whatsoever to any rational mind let alone heart.
I had the honour recently of watching a TV program on Maori television where men opened up and expressed about exactly this – how hard it was to be a man as society set it out to be. The confusion, the hurt, the just wanting to be loved and the not being accepted in their sensitivity. This seems to be common – that men aren’t given the space to be the sensitive beings they are and so many behaviours stem from that. If we allowed, accepted, encouraged and treated it as normal when a man expresses his feelings and his sensitivity imagine what kind of world we’d have. I doubt there would be war for a start.
I love the list at the end of the blog about how you would bring up a baby boy. And it struck me that in fact all we need to do is parent ourselves in exactly that way, and then we would naturally and innately parent each other in the same way. Makes it all deliciously simple.
Good point, Otto. When we nurture and appreciate ourselves, this naturally extends to all of our relationships
So true Otto and in saying this, you empower us to realise that it is never too late to lovingly parent our selves and each other. The list Ingrid offers is so simple and honouring, a classic recipe for bringing the best out in all of us.
This is so very true Otto. I have learned that it is never too late to make different choices in our lives so taking the first step towards re-parenting ourselves as we would have liked to have been parented, will be one step towards reawakening the precious child within us all. This child was born to be honoured and cherished from day one as the amazing little being that we all innately are and who we still can choose to reclaim in any moment in time.
So true. We treat others the way we treat ourselves, so we cannot give love to others if we do not know it for ourselves first. Parenting is no different.
I love it. The inspiration of ‘never too late’ and no living in the regrets of parenting we did not receive. Enjoy the inspiration and learning in parenting ourselves with the qualities shared in this article.
I have been noticing more and more that many aspects of the way I express myself and my interaction with men and women colludes with the current trend that has both men and women act as a caricature version of the magnificence of who they are.
Each of us hold great responsibility in how we choose to live and express, as we all together create the world we live in.
Thank you Ingrid. A respectful, insightful and inspiring article that opens me up even more to enjoy the tenderness, sensitivity and gentleness in every man that is simply, in many cases, waiting to be recognised.
We reduce our fellow brothers and sisters in so many ways, including reducing what it means to be a man to a one dimensional one size fits all when in fact we are multidimensional.
To not be our true selves is exhausting both mentally and physically. So where does the energy supply come form to fuel the way that we are living when we know deep down we can’t sustain the level of energy required to keep up from our own bodies?
When I read this -“I wanted to fit in, be ‘normal,’ so I went along with the crowd” – I thought gosh, this could apply to many and if we are trying to fit in with each other we are all creating a normal that is not really normal.
I have been discarding ideas I have had of men, I have a wonderful gentle husband and son, both powerful in their own ways and they are to be honoured for who they are, without me or anyone else putting pictures and constraints of who they are to be. Men are in a prison of roles and ideals and it is suffocating for so many, it is not a surprise that so many find it difficult to express, where it is their place to do so, if what they have to say does not fit the pictures we create of what a man should or should not be?
Great article Ingrid. I loved your comment that its “..no wonder relationships struggle under the weight of..” all the pre- conditioning we receive about what it is to be a woman or a man. This makes a lot of sense to me, that our relationships are pretty doomed whilst we are socialised to not know ourselves for who we really are. Our relationship with ourselves is flawed, therefore when we try to have a relationship with another there is already a problem.
For a long time, I have had a sense that when adults are in conflict and are possibly arguing, it is not the adults that are expressing how they feel but the wounded children inside them who struggled to be heard, to be loved and to be honoured for their honesty. So it makes sense that if we take the time to listen to our children, to love them unconditionally and to honour their natural honesty that eventually there would be a lot less hurt, lost and angry adults in the world.
It is horrifying how young it starts Sue. And to think it starts in the maternity ward is even more shocking. I have seen tiny male babies dressed in dad’s favourite rugby team’s jumper with a minute rugby ball lying next to them showing that the parents belief systems have already kicked in big time. What an irresponsible weight of expectations to place on such a fragile and vulnerable child.
I love what you are sharing here Ingrid, as a society we need to continue to expose these false ideals and beliefs that keep men capped and not being able to express their true selves, one only has to look at the suicide statistics that are rising in young men to see that something major needs to change to support men more.
Working with children from the age of four up, it has become apparent that boys believe men have to be tough from the earliest of ages… so much so, that for many boys by the time they reach 7 they have begun to play the role successfully, even though they feel vulnerable underneath.
Universal Medicine has exposed all the stereotypes that are attached to being a man for exactly that and has supported men to come back to their sensitive, tender nature . What a blessing for the men as well as for us women.
Yes and that is the inspiring thing… that for anyone of us, man or woman, who makes the move to return to our true nature, unencumbered by stereotypes and expectations, there is an invitation and space offered for others to do the same… so cool.
How often do we really take the time to see life from another’s perspective, not to judge but to truly understanding?
It does make you wonder where all of these ideals and beliefs about what colours and clothes and ways of being there are for the genders came from. Definitely someone who was not connected to themselves and was not in awe of their own amazing, as if they were, these things would never exist.
Yesterday I came face to face with a very beautiful, delicate and gorgeous boy of around 4 years old. He was filled with joy and natural playful-ness filling up the shopping centre with his laughter and bright eyes. To see him running around in his awesome combination of clothing was heart-warming and confirmation of his innate qualities – a pale blue top and long pink trousers.
‘How much force does he have to call in to bury what he naturally is and what happens to his body and the state of his mental health as a result?’ Reading your blog really does ask us to sit with this question and consider the effects our expectations and imposed beliefs have on our sensitive tender boys and men.
I loved what you shared Ingrid, my children were born in the sixties, all boys during that time then there was a big separation between boys and girls, what colours they were dressed in and what toys they played with, and how they behaved, don’t be a sissy or girly girly were terms used to denigrate a boy who showed tenderness or vulnerability. Now I would raise a child just the way you described.
I love the photo accompanying this blog, as it captures the tenderness, sweetness and playfulness of men in their essence.
These false expectations and beliefs that currently plague both men and women in our society only survive if we allow them to. The more we stand up to their falsity and instead raise our children to know who they are, supporting them to live the truth of their magnificence, these beliefs will be no more.
I was with a woman this weekend who saw me so deeply and knew exactly what was going on for me, as a man and knew exactly how to support me, as a man. This level of understanding and appreciation and lack of judgement or expectation is a gigantic blessing for all of us men. It is also a point of deep appreciation of myself, as a man, to allow myself to be seen so transparently, by a woman.
I love the way you have stated you would raise a baby boy if he was placed in your hands. If I re-incarnate as a boy I would like a mother who has the same understanding about the responsibility of raising a child.
‘I remember blaming some of the men I was in relationship with for not being sensitive to my needs, for not running after me if I ran away, for not knowing when I needed a hug and so much more.’ – I remember feeling this way too, until someone pointed out to me that my partner isn’t psychic …. if I am not choosing to share how I am feeling and I run away, he may be deeply sensitive and caring and feel what I need is some space on my own, because if I’d wanted to talk, wouldn’t I have done so rather than running away? There is always more than one perspective, therefore, it’s so important that we are honest with ourselves and each other about how we truly feel, deepening our understanding, and, therefore, our relationship.
We only have to look at the rise in male suicides and the way the pressures of modern life are just not being coped with to know that something is going severely wrong in society. I have friends that have taken to marathons and even cage fighting to try to avoid feeling the tenderness that they really are, it just seems so sad that we are brought up in a way that goes completely against the grain of who we really are.
I remember from day one at school the boys played with the boys and the girls played with the girls and it was really frowned upon if this was to alter and a boy would be teased viciously if he was brave enough to play with the girls. What is this trying to show someone so young?
Just another set up, Kev, and one that we can incrementally chip away at as we refuse to comply to this false separation/mismatch between genders. I have learnt so much about tenderness from men in my lives… properly inspiring.
We are all aware of this when we are children and yet despite this as adults we become part of perpetuating the same patterns…this does not make sense. Allowing us to live and express from our true qualities as boys and girls, men and women is a return to a way of living free of the hurts of being rejected for who we are as children.
The more I drop expectations of what it is to be a man in my own relationship with my husband the more I allow him to be who he truly is, and that is one hell of a gorgeous tender, loving beautiful man.
Expectations get in the way of me seeing this.
I love what you have shared here Sam and it is living proof – if we need it – that by dropping the expectations of what you think your husband should be you are offering him space without expectations to be himself and to claim the man he naturally is. What a priceless gift.
It is very true Ingrid, both boys and girls are subject to an enormous imposition from the time they’re born, apparent in some of the ways you’ve outlined, but particularly evident even in the rigidity with which we expect and impose the colors, activities and behaviours we foster in boys.
Jenny exactly time to bring in the truth and to meet, behold and adore each person for the essence they are and not the gender roles we place on them.
It is these ideals and beliefs that we are so conditioned in society to conform to but when we choose not to the ridicule is put on both the parents and children to stay with the pack instead of honouring each and everyone’s true expression.
Allowing the space for us to be with each other, without any needs, expectations or pictures is such a loving and honouring way to live. Relationships based on truth, acceptance, appreciation, understanding, honesty – this is our natural way of being together, we have to work very hard NOT to live in this way – so crazy, but true.
I remember when a male friend commented on my young son walking around in my shoes and one of my handbags, he saw a young boy wearing womens accessories, which seemed to alarm him, I saw a small child having fun playing dress up which delighted me.
It is incredible how ingrained beliefs can become and so cool to question and explore them. I have rooted out many misconceptions simply by being curious about their source and sense.
There is so much pressure on men to be so many things that women think they want. The saviour, the provider, the hero, the protector, the tough guy etc etc. And then there is the pressure from other men to be a certain way in order to be accepted as a man. And underneath it all men are just as tender and fragile as women. How beautifully loving it would be for both genders to accept this and encourage this, instead of wanting men to be what they are not due to a plethora of insecurities.
We are the livingness of God and it is this that we must see and feel first, before we define ourselves in any other way.
A resounding and powerful statement Alexis – the truth felt within every particle of my being as I read these words.
“We are the livingness of God and it is this that we must see and feel first, before we define ourselves in any other way”.
Ingrid this is a stunning de-construction of a poisonous belief that sets both men and women up to be who they are not. Keep de-constructing the ideals and beliefs Ingrid, so that eventually the truth will be revealed in all it’s glory!
Yes, Alexis much more de-constructing to come. Writing this blog has opened a huge doorway to many more ideals and beliefs, the falsity of which we weave into the fabric of our daily lives without ever questioning the truth of them.
I love this, Ingrid – “I certainly don’t feel for a moment that the fabric of the world would fall apart if little boys were encouraged to retain their tenderness and their sensitivity”. Let’s give it a go and see what happens!
Absolutely it would change for the better!
“Being a Man – Through the Eyes of a Woman” – imagine Ingrid if this were reversed and i.e. being a woman – through the eyes of a man – it would be a relationship made in heaven, no?!
And how yummy does that feel when we meet and engage in this way with each other… harshness and abruptness has no place there then, as the holding energy will be tender and enfolding.
Great blog Ingrid and it would really be interesting to know – “But who was it that first said:
A boy should wear blue” – etc etc. Who indeed, where does that come from, and all the other ridiculous separating statements made and ‘ideals’ followed to support separatism.
We’re under incredible forces to conform to such false versions of who we truly are since birth. Then we relate to the false version of one another and wonder why we don’t feel met or loved for who we truly are.
i have a baby girl and I don’t always dress her in pink. Sometimes she will wear grey or blue – and people always call her a boy. It is interesting to observe how we have a picture of what a girl and boy look like – we already are defining them at such a young age and imposing our ideals on kids.
You raise some great and very needed questions Ingrid. I am blessed with many true men as role models in my life who without them being in my life I would not be the Delicious man I am today reflecting that same truth back to others. Without true role models the world is lost as to what a true man truly is.
I’ve been pondering a lot lately on what ideals and beliefs I have around men, and even what it is I want in a man. What I have noticed is all of them come from pictures I have created and not from a movement that would choose a man for evolution.
It is only when we let go of the impositions the world has laced men with that we can honestly start to appreciate their innate delicateness and tenderness within, and at the same time giving them the opportunity to embrace it more for themselves.
As a man, the more I honour my tenderness and sensitivity, the more it is accepted as the natural way to be by all around me; and most of all it feels fabulous with-in.
Beautiful Rik. Such is the power of the ripple effect, and once the ripples start they simply keep on flowing outwards. May you keep on honouring your “tenderness and sensitivity” as the world desperately needs more men like you who are living in connection to who they truly are.
“So, no wonder relationships struggle under the weight of expectations when the parties involved (both the man and the woman) don’t understand who they are in the first place as they have been programmed from a very early age to be someone they are not.” – this ought to be the opening sentence of every relationship counsellor because it gets to the heart of the matter.
Ingrid I absolutely love the last statements of what you would do if you had a baby boy, they are so honouring and confirming of the true essence of a boy and would truly support him to be all that he already is.
And the same goes for girls too – as in essence we are all the same.
These are good points and they have consequences – when 3 or 4 year olds play together, the boys can be very rough, something they don’t do when they are younger. Is that really a benefit?
In the past the images, ideals and beliefs put up a screen in front of men that made them seem difficult to reach or understand. It was as if this layer had been put between us and they were so very different to me. Today, having removed this layer I see the delicate, sensitive and tender nature of every man I come across and it is the most beautiful thing to observe and to see so clearly that we – men and women – are no different in quality or origin.
Thank you Ingrid for such an insightful and questioning blog that illuminates so much about our present society.
Ingrid, great question; ‘How much force does he have to call in to bury what he naturally is and what happens to his body and the state of his mental health as a result?’ I see the effects in boys bodies of them not being tender and caring of themselves, at school there are many physical injuries from boys playing in a hard way, there is also the mental hurts that come from playing in a way that is not natural to them.
I love the questions you’ve shared here Ingrid, they remind me to check in with how I am raising my children. I sometimes let the demands and expectations from others and from myself get in the way of true parenting. I am learning to let them go more and more so I am more able to parent from a place of love, respect and harmony. I find it is easier to support others and my children to connect to their true essence if I am already connected to it myself.
Brilliant comment Ray. You have really exposed the trickery of how we as a society have used the word normal as an excuse for abuse- not only of our own bodies but even of whole nations, as in the assumption that since there has always been war on the planet it is somehow ‘normal’ for that to continue, which is false.
I have also noticed for myself how when I have made a poor choice in say eating a food that does not support me anymore, and have done this a few times in a row, I have at times convinced myself that it’s ok to continue the negative behavior because it now felt familiar and ‘normal’. It’s like saying to myself “Well I’ve already lost it here and am off track so let’s just continue to avoid feeling the impact of this because I don’t want to take the responsibility and deal with why I made this self-abusing choice in the first place”. But obviously we can choose every second to make a new choice and re-imprint our lives.
“I would honour him for the delicate and tender being that he naturally is and support him to retain the connection to this true essence.I would allow him to express his feelings, show his sensitivity, encourage him to be honest and to respect all others as equals.I would support him to be himself in a world which is set up for him to be anything but the true man he innately was born to be.” These are such gorgeous descriptions and so simple. Why do we need to complicate it beyond this?
Reading this I can feel that if I had been put into the position of being forced by cultural pressure and expectations to literally ‘toughen up’ and put my body under physical duress like sport etc. just to belong, I would have hated it. It’s one thing if this type of activity comes quite naturally but there are men in all shapes and sizes with as many varied qualities as women. It’s a type of abuse to force what isn’t natural, innate and true for someone.
That is true and a lot of women are following the toughening and hardening procedure as well now. Are things in some ways getting worse?
It is great to know how it is for a boy to grow up as a woman (and equally the other way around) so we can have the full understanding of why a person behaves in a certain way and also how not to repeat it ourselves.
We have restricted our gorgeous expressions so much throughout the ages by the impositions and expectations we have put on each other and ourselves. It is the greatest gift to wise up to this and start living in a way that offers space to others to reconnect to and express in the full splendour of their true essence.
Thanks, Ingrid. It is great to expose the expectations and demands we put on our partners to meet all of our needs, when often we do not know ourselves well enough to sense what is really going on.
Something I find interesting about what you shared here Ingrid is how, unless we dress little girls and boys in particular ways, we can’t tell the difference between them. They are simply little people being themselves, all gorgeous and playful, tender and loving. Not necessarily all the time, but this is how they are when they are being themselves. There are some very strong patterns we are born into that channel us into particular ways of being and loving and being born with a gender is one ginormous pattern. One of the biggest beliefs in this is if we are our natural tender and sensitive selves (especially men) then we are considered weak and ‘useless’. This is far from the truth. Knowing many men I know that they have an innate sensitivity, that they do show on occasion. What’s needed is for them to know that showing this all of the time is very much more than ok.
The ridicule very young boys get if they want to wear pink, or if they want to wear their sister’s clothes is a very powerful message to them that rules apply… they are not allowed to express themselves as they would truly wish.
It is a great question posed as to where such questions relating to stereotypes of how children should be treated originated. My feeling is that we have allowed ourselves to be misguided for a long time and these are ingrained. It is therefore to be deeply appreciated just how much we can let go of in every moment when these expectations are removed and an acceptance for anyone in the true expression and quality is present instead.
There is a reason why wars are fought by young men! We are like clay that is moulded into what is required. What must be done to someone to make killing another a patriotic duty? Women were banned from frontline duties for many years in most country’s, but now that is also changing. Are we all having our tenderness and sensitivity eroded in a world that has given up?
‘Are we all having our tenderness and sensitivity eroded in a world that has given up?’ Great question Steve and I would say that for many this is the case. Women are taught to be assertive and resilient, qualities offered in a way that ignores their innate sensitivity, gentleness and love. Men are taught that macho is the way, though many struggle with this identity. There are also men and women who embrace their true qualities of tenderness, fragility, love and sensitivity and allow them to be seen and felt. This is a powerful reflection for others. Those who choose this path show the world we haven’t given up on being true to ourselves.
I love it too Elizabeth and smiled deeply when I saw it. These men feel so naturally tender and very yummy!
That is what made it sometimes a bit strange in life that neither women nor men consciously know and live who they truly are. It is as they both speak two different languages without having a possibility to translate what is not understood so it is sometimes a bit difficult to decode each other. What you have presented Ingrid is the possibility to overcome this not understanding and showing a way out of it.
You are so right Ester, it is as if men and women “speak two different languages”; that is definitely how it used to feel to me. I would say one thing and somehow it suddenly was ‘translated’ into something unrecognisable. Time for us to learn how to truly express and to learn each other’s language which will naturally then bring harmony back into our lives.
I found this too Ingrid and Ester, that what is/was said passes through a filter and gets adapted to ones beliefs and worldview. And then out comes something that has no resemblance to what was being expressed. It is so good that we can undo this way of expressing and the Expression workshops held by Universal Medicine are a great start.
Love the way you have such a deep and great understanding for men Ingrid.. testament to your understanding and depth in knowing yourself and as a woman too, to be able to have such wisdom.
It was a passing comment you made Ingrid that boys are often referred to as ‘little men’, – that reference brings with it such a baggage of expectation, tradition and control to this little one to deal with.
Our lives would be far less complicated and stressful if we let go of all our ideals and beliefs, all those pictures of how life should look and how its meant to be… there would be so much more space and harmony within us and therefore within the world.
As men and women alike we are generally so far from what is our natural and innate way of being in the world – it is this essence within that is our true normal.
Great to consider how those little seemingly innocent little things we do with boys and girls to separate them actually harms us all as a society.
It is gorgeous when you meet a man who is able to openly express his sensitivity and all the care that he has for people. So many men hold this back because as a society we have not fostered this, instead, as you describe the pictures and roles come in very strong for boys.
I agree and I found with myself, when meeting men that express in this way, how it feels in my body – it opens up and allows this energy to flow and there is no holding back then and expressing with each other becomes so natural and easy.
The criticism a mother gets for allowing her son to play with dolls and prams etc can be incredibly upsetting because mothers no longer trust their inner knowing.
We impose so much on our young boys and change them to the point where they do not know themselves or how they are to be in this world – it’s likely they are confused when it comes to relationships.
I too have wondered at the pressures on men to be a certain way. As a woman, it is challenging, but it has always been possible for me to show my sensitivity, tenderness and love openly and transparently. Men are under such tension to hold emotion back, toughen up and not allow being equally sensitive at all from the earliest of ages. To walk with the burden of hiding who you truly are is a heavy one to carry and there aren’t many men in the world who feel truly comfortable with their innate delicacy.
There are many men in my life that I look up to, and these are not men who have championed certain activities or demonstrated that they are rough and tough but are super sweet and tender, unafraid to show their love for people.
I love that photo … so so gorgeous. Great you felt to take a step back and see life from a man’s perspective. Reading this the answer seemed so simple to me .. to make it about love and not gender and to allow all to be open, tender, delicate, sweet and sensitive and allowing someone to be and express from these qualities does not mean they are or cannot be strong, in their true power or committed to life. We can be all of these things.
So many of us women have hardened up just to survive in the world of work where so many men still dominate and it is not surprising that the men have hardened up even more than we have. It is very sad and highlights the importance of women reconnecting with their innate stillness, fragility and tenderness so that men can do the same.
It is almost like we love the separation of men and women being different. Like we need that for our own security, to know where we stand and otherwise we can’t blame the other gender for being always …… Whereas we all come from the same source and are very sensitive and delicate human beings that want to be love(d).
Growing up I did not have many friends that were from the opposite sex. I put them in a category on their own. They were always seen as potential boyfriends. I could never consider them as a friend, In hind sight it was such a shame as I did not really get to know any of these men as I would project on to them how I needed them to be.
It is so liberating now having men friends and getting to know them for who they are.
I love this Ingrid, instead of men blaming women, or women blaming men what if we just simply took the stance that we all have played a part in the world being the way it is, and from this day forward we can choose to not be part of the games and gender roles and begin to honour both men and women for the amazing people they are.
I remember feeling sensitive to so much happening around me during school but quickly observed that other boys like this were mocked or labelled as a sissy or gay and so quickly learnt to hide this and fit expectations of being tough, strong and pursued sports etc. Letting go of this over time and now beginning to express myself from my own sensitivity and tenderness brings with it a vulnerability in which is a strength far greater than any I could ever develop in the gym or in my mind.
Growing up, I felt that I was a disappointment to my Father for I did not like sports. I did love photography, for what I could express myself through the photographs I took. It was like walking naked amongst blind people. I could convey my tenderness and delicateness via a surrogate. I no longer require an avatar to express though, I am now me 24/7.
You make a valid point here Ingrid, about how boys are related to as ‘little men’ right from the start of their lives and yet a girl can be called a ‘little girl’ for a long time – with the clothing and the toys and the activities given to support and sustain both.
This is beautiful, Ingrid. I too am regularly touched by the exquisite sensitivity of the young men I work with.
The separation of boys from girls as infants into opposing camps is travesty. it sets us down a track of misconceptions, false expectations and ideals and beliefs that take years to unravel. To understand there is no difference between men and women, we are one, equally, tender, loving and sweet, builds unity, not division.
Ingrid, ‘I would really love to meet the person/s who came up with these rigid ideas and ask them why colour code our precious children and place them into little boxes so early in their lives?’ reading this I can feel how unnatural it is to place such ideas on babies and children, it is very imposing to pigeon hole children, expecting them to like a certain colours and certain toys and if they like anything else then there is something wrong with, so we encourage them to abandon what feels true and follow what society tells them to and what everybody else does.
It is worrying to see how children are stereotyped as infants by colour codes. And the colour spectrum limited to mainly two. A family close to me, have stepped out of the box, the mother makes her son’s tee-shirts in yellows, oranges, reds and greens. I notice in playgrounds how easy it is to spot her boys, their colours sing in the sunshine as they play. They are tender young boys, nature loving and expressive, I observed, the parents concern for the eldest son as he prepared to enter the ‘rough and tumble’ of primary school. Supporting children to be themselves, develop inner strength, not an outer hard shell to fit in, requires sensitivity and awareness from parents.
It is kind of strange really when we look at all the different cultures around the world that none really spring to mind where male and female are brought up the same, to express how they want to express, to be just how they want to be, without a whole heap of ideals and beliefs of how they should be dumped on them. If we were nurtured to be how we truly felt to be from day one, if we preferred to wear pink being a boy or playing with dolls or whatever we would no longer start life off on the wrong foot.
Thank you Ingrid, a really beautiful blog to read and ponder on. I know that I have taken on lots of beliefs and ideals about how a man should be and it is my responsibility now to see through all these impositions and allow men to just be themselves, in the same way that I want to be allowed to be myself.
Yes, I have too. Thankfully, I have been blessed with the opportunity to see many men who are not afraid to show their tenderness and sensitivity which makes me feel safe to show and express mine.
“I would allow him to express his feelings, show his sensitivity, encourage him to be honest and to respect all others as equals” – a man who expresses, is a man with true feeling… and that is always a true delight!!
Thank you Ingrid, you sum up so beautifully the way we take something so natural and pure, and look to make rules to define what it is. It’s as if, as soon as we get the ruler out to measure and compare and say what is there we immeadiately loose the beauty. I can see how this happens with us as young boys but also in pretty much every aspect of life. We are given it all, then we say no it’s not right.
Yes.. we cannot hope to even begin to understand another until we start to know ourselves, allow ourselves to feel, and express.
Allowing ourselves and each other to express who we truly are, to express what we can feel, without fear of being or getting it wrong.. if all children were raised like that, and we all treated each other like that, the world would feel very different.
Looking back to the birth of my 1st child I don’t think I had a lot of thoughts on how I should rear him. I did know that we are all born equal and that I wasn’t going to treat boys different to girls. I would expect that boys should share the load in the home as well as girls. Know how to cook, clean and make their bed etc.
Yes, the expectations that the world had of me as a boy and man, overshadowed most of my knowing of who I am.
Thank you Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, supporting me to remember myself, this tenderness and love that I gave up on as a boy. It feels amazing!
I am so glad I can now present myself to women and men as a true man, to show another way to be in the world.
‘Have you ever wondered about the depth of the programming so many of us have been exposed to, lived by and in very few cases rarely ever questioned?’ I often ask this myself and just know there are conditioning that I’m not even consciously aware of because I don’t want to be. The feeling of being rejected for who I am, the feeling of rejecting myself for who I am should l say, feels like it’s so painful I don’t want to go there. So I can understand this is everyone who is trying to conform. But I have to ask myself, is not being myself ever worth it? Because what I’m discovering is, it never is and when I’m accepting myself and just being there is great joy and playfulness.
It’s no use for women and men to be fighting over who is more sensitive, delicate and aware, for they are equally the same and these qualities are innate.
We’re oblivious to the programming because it’s so in built…that’s the scary thing. You make it sound like there is a computer chip that is embedded in our side, and it can sound over exaggerated, but that just goes to show how used to the ‘roles’ and ‘expectations’ we are.
A very beautiful blog Ingrid – thank you. I recall being aware of the tenderness of men and wondering why this was not acknowledged as a fact. However, I did not know what to do with these deep feelings that felt so true – it was confusing that the world behaved otherwise. When bringing up my own son I lived in a way where I felt disempowered and unable to carry through my inner truth and in retrospect betrayed us both. I am quite different with my grandsons and confirm their innate sensitivity and beauty as men and it feels amazing that they accept what I say in a world that is still so very different.
It is an interesting point you raise that when a baby is born, apart from a few physical differences, it is difficult to tell them apart. It is what we as a society that place upon them that truly starts to separate them.
The fabric of the world would actually strengthen if boys where simply allowed to be boys in whatever way was true for them.
A beautiful and thoughtful sharing, Ingrid. When we have these “normals” in our society it has been made very difficult for us to be truly ourselves. The forces of normality are so strong but if more of us stand up and write about these things, these “normals ” become exposed for what they truly are and we can then live in our own true essence.
I remember when I was young, first seeing a guy in his teens wearing a pink polo shirt. I remember being at first really shocked that a boy was wearing pink, but then I was struck, but what a nice colour it was on him and why it was I thought that boys couldn’t wear pink – so what if it symbolises tenderness, femininity and a delicacy, are men not allowed to feel and express those qualities?
It’s funny when you see it written down but who did start all of this? Everything from the pink to the blue and why are we still following this lead almost blindly, like it has supported us to do so. The opposite is almost the case as things at this point are appearing worse then ever before and so this is an obvious place for us to look. How are we seeing children from a young age, are we allowing them to grow and supporting them truly or are we imposing a bunch of should be’s and should do’s upon them?
Would the world end if boys grew up into tender men? I doubt it. However it would break down all those ‘rough tough’ ways of living and every way we avoid our delicateness and tenderness – both men and women do this. Our world of harshness and abuse would end if we allowed children to be who they were born being.
I have met men who have definitely been brought up with expectations and even though the external imposition is no longer there, they still impose expectations on themselves, basing their self worth on how much they can achieve in a day, what they can do for others. Very few men can care for themselves and allow their natural sensitivity to be seen.
We certainly are programmed with all of those stereotypical ideals and beliefs around what makes up being a boy/man and girl/woman and we don’t even know what half of them are until we start to pay attention to what we actually say when we see something that we class as not right. We get so caught up on right or wrong and forget about the truth of the person as being super important.
What’s interesting to see is that communities will call for men to be less aggressive and more caring, yet when a woman is presented with a deeply tender man to love and cherish them they will more often than not run a thousand miles!
mmm…think I will come back as your baby boy next time around…already love how you will raise me mum.
This is such a great question, Ingrid – “…if they hadn’t been raised to know who they were beneath their macho behaviours, how on earth were they going to understand me as a woman?” The more we come to know ourselves, the more we can know another.
‘I would support him to be himself in a world which is set up for him to be anything but the true man he innately was born to be.’ Thank you for these beautiful words Ingrid which is the birth right of every newborn and we all have a responsibility to make sure this becomes their reality.
Anything that fosters difference between boys and girls – whether it be tradition or ‘rules’ about the colour for a baby, or how much of one’s feelings you are allowed to express, sets us up right from the start to think we are separate beings. Whereas we are all equal and can express the very same essence, the quality we bring as a woman or a man does not depend on this conditioning and the outer signals, but on the knowing of who we are from within.
Men are not naturally hard, defensive or tough, and in fact love any opportunity to express their openness, and take the pressure off what they have thought they needed to be to protect an ideal, it is only that, an ideal. Because if a man was to surrender to the delicateness in his body, no ideal exists except his true nature.
There is such a gentle tenderness in the way you have written this blog, Ingrid. ‘Have you ever wondered about the depth of the programming so many of us have been exposed to.’ I have clocked it, but not to the deep depths that are so embedded. The example of not being able to tell a young boy from a girl when dressed in ‘feminine’ clothing, but being able to distinguish a girl in ‘boys’ clothes is one that I have experienced.
It’s such a shame when you hear and see people being rough with their boys and saying statements like ‘I don’t want him to be a wuss’ or ‘I don’t want him to grow up a poof’ but in those moments their ideals and beliefs have kicked in, and the process of robbing the child of their sensitivity has started. It’s such a shame that men can be reduced in such a way, and until this culture changes we all miss out.
As a man reading this there is a feeling of being understood and accepted in being who I truly am which in turn feels like being given permission to bring these qualities all the more.
This feels deeply honouring of all men, and offers them an opportunity to do things differently. The pressures we put upon ourselves for both genders are massive. Your blog helps to break down the rigid beliefs that we hold.
We create a very confusing world for young children when we ask them to conform to the ideals and beliefs of others rather than allowing them to know and be who they naturally are.
Brilliant Ingrid – to ‘colour code babies is totally absurd. It is a very fixed way of being in society that girls have to wear pink and boys always in blue, whether they like it or not.
“I would really love to meet the person/s who came up with these rigid ideas and ask them why colour code our precious children and place them into little boxes so early in their lives?”
Ingrid this is an absolute joy to read. What a great exposure on the absolute non-sense of the ideals and beliefs that boys are laced with.
You bring a deep respect and honouring of men in this writing.
We miss out on the beauty of many men as we program then from young to be what they are not. The harm that is done by this programming is not something most will want to comprehend or admit is there, but you only need to consider the suicide rates amongst men to realise that something isn’t as it ought to be.
Ingrid, this is a great article, what you are sharing here makes complete sense and helps me understand the reason that many of my relationships with men did not work out. ‘No wonder relationships struggle under the weight of expectations when the parties involved (both the man and the woman) don’t understand who they are in the first place as they have been programmed from a very early age to be someone they are not.’ I can feel that there are ideals of how men should be – that they should look after us as women, be our ‘knight in shining armour’, be strong and protect us as women – wow how much pressure to put on men, when they may well be struggling to understand who they are, and have the pressure and expectations to be able to fulfil all of the false roles we want them to as-well.
I’m a woman rediscovering what it is to be a man, simply because I’m a woman who has discovered what it is to be a woman. With this knowing and able to be myself, I now connect with the essence of a man, not beliefs held in my head of how they should be. It has been a beautiful unfolding.
I agree with you, Ingrid: ‘In fact, I would go as far as to say that the world would be a whole lot more harmonious than it is now if a man, from the time he was born, was supported to be who he naturally is and allowed to express that in his own unique way.’
So true Arianna. How can we expect our relationships to succeed if we enter into them not knowing who we are in the first place. Learning who we are, appreciating and connecting to our exquisite tenderness and wisdom should be a foundational education for us all. When we approach relationships with this inner confidence, the whole world benefits from the wealth of love and purpose that manifests as a very natural consequence of our true selves being given permission to explore, expand and evolve together, free of the usual dependencies and needs we so commonly associate with relationships today.
Yep, no wonder relationships struggle and fail when we as men have through conditioning strayed so far from what we naturally are. Part of me still wants to say that it is easier being a man because we do tend to be hardened to what life has to throw at us but I know this isn’t true, both man and women build the protection we need to get through life when we have not made life a true expression of why we are here.
It is very beautiful when a man can see and listen to me. Yes I do express now how I am feeling often which I rarely did before and yes I listen and hear him, in fact blame has gone out of the window. I also give him the space to do what he wants to do letting go of any control of what I want him to do. As I continue to heal myself so too do I heal what is not true in my relationships with men… it starts with me taking responsibility for me.
With the ideals and beliefs both sexes have all been imprinted with, it is surprising that successful relationships happen at all? But, we are not permanently broken! The tenderness and delicateness we are all born with never leaves us, it is just forgotten and is always just a choice away.
Yes, I can relate to this too Richard, that my sensitivity was a problem and so for most of my life I believed I that it was a negative thing to be sensitive, now I have come to understand that we are all sensitive and this sensivity is something to nurture as it is this sense, this knowing, that I can trust which supports me to know that I need not be rocked by anything that comes at me.
The example you share of a baby boy and a baby girl next to each other, born with their equally soft and delicate skin, with a depth in their eyes that is the same and a quality in their movements that does not tell them apart is such a confirmation that we are all the same in our essence, this is well worth pondering on in a world that tells us otherwise.
Delicacy and tenderness doesn’t have gender. In fact, there are no such genderly qualities. If so, they come just from our thoughts and beliefs, which are always imposed or learnt. Only our essence comes from within and when we connect with it, we men and women are able to show our unique qualities.
For sure it is well worth considering that we are programmed by our up growing Fiona, as to me there is a truth in what Ingrid has shared in this blog. We are told how to be and how to behave in situations as a boy or girl or as a woman or a man, that is very clear to me now. When you for instance consider all the advertisements showing certain ways to be as a woman, men, boy or girl or as a family. There are so many pictures around that it is sometimes hard to not see them and being influenced by. To me the real problem in this is that in general we are unaware of this fact and until we will become aware we will be susceptible for the images presented.
It is so true to me that when we do not know ourselves, i.e. do not have a relationship with ourselves, how then could we ever be prepared and able to be in a relationship with someone else?
And this Ingrid is the parenting of the future, holding boys to become true men, still connected to their tenderness and free to express who they are.
And bringing the both genders up as equal
It is a blessing for all of us men (and thus all of us women!) to be truly seen like this.
There is so much gold in what you write. You say that little girls are allowed to be delicate, sensitive and tender but I’m not sure I completely agree…or, let’s put it another way, I’m not sure that they are allowed to be the true expressions of those words. It is extremely challenging for most parents to have that pure reflection given to them, so whilst those words may be used are they actually allowed, nurtured and appreciated in their absolute truth?
I agree Otto,
I was not supported to be the delicate, sensitive , tender young child I innately was. I was far too precious for my mother so she did not nurture these qualities in me,I reflected to her what she no longer allowed herself to connect to. Not that I blame her as she was very similar to me but lived far from her truth as it was not nurtured in her when she was young. She was the youngest of 15 children so what hope did she have and they all lived in the back of a fruit shop in Armadale. I think it was 5 kids to a room.
So true – there are many ideals and beliefs we have been holding onto and we have no idea why that is the way it is and where they came from.
The boxes we put men into, and expect them to somehow magically function are never going to work. As a woman being willing to let go of the pictures of how a man should be, and instead open to the wonder of who they are is the best way for us to break the cycle of false expectations.
Beautiful blog Ingrid…Great question, ‘If today someone placed a new born boy in my arms and I took on the responsibility of raising him, how would I do it?’ I have asked myself a similar question and your answers are exquisite, inspiring and deeply loving. What is amazing is that we can apply what you’ve shared to everyone we meet, our family members, friends, colleagues etc., imagine how our relationships would be, the quality and connection?
Beautiful observation Ingrid, and beautiful words about raising a newborn boy: “I would honour him for the delicate and tender being that he naturally is and support him to retain the connection to this true essence”.
This is beautiful Ingrid, I love your last three pointers of how you would parent a boy now. And the beauty is, these are not lost and we can bring these same gifts to our sons, our children no matter what age they are. By honouring and expressing, respecting and supporting ourselves as well in this way we are always offering the that reflection, that opportunity. Thank you.
The person who came up with the colours and how they apply … that person is us.
I too know this to be true, as men melt when they are seen and met for who they truly are.
Thank you Ingrid, we don’t question beliefs but allow them to be our security and can then enforce them quite defensively. We have lost our ability to contemplate and question, to observe and see what works and what does not in life. Part of this is the normality of moulding each gender and how pervasive it is. This has become our way, our tradition, even though we each have had to fight against the very essence of our being to live such expectations. This is why Serge Benhayon’s reflection is so vital, not only is he observing what is not true in our society, he is speaking up about it, and what he is saying makes sense. This is also supporting others to awaken out of their slumber and begin to deeply ponder and question life as it is. Society as it is has so many problems, and these are escalating, we need to go back to the beginning, to childhood, and see where the issues are starting.
It is so obvious that the majority of us don’t question or even discern our beliefs, as didn’t those who passed them on down to us. As you say these beliefs can become a security, an anchor in our lives, and the mere thought that we may have been living a lie can set off a feeling of being set adrift with the associated fear of what happens next. If we realised what we are actually being offered is an opportunity to connect with the truth, that is what could happen next, if we so choose.
As a humanity, we are so far from allowing men to be the sensitive, delicate people they are. We are so used to men being a certain way, that we have lost our connection to the truth. This blog highlights the fact that men feel and are tender and I know men who live in this way and it is a joy to be around them because they are being themselves.
The men in my life are becoming more and more tender and it is absolutely exquisite as it comes with a depth, a beautiful, beautiful depth that I recognise in me as well. We are all on our way back to a way of being that we have lived before and so when one of us takes a step back towards that way of being then it makes it easier for the rest of us to take a step back towards Home as well.
‘how much force does he have to call in to bury what he naturally is’. I would just say: a lot with all the consequences of it.
You make a great point here Ingrid. If we muddy the waters so to speak from a very early age, then men are raised with a strong inner tension between their natural tenderness buried deep inside and an imposed expectation to live the complete opposite. When we allow men to re-connect to and claim their innate and very beautiful tenderness, we all receive an immense blessing, as the grace they express is simply heavenly.
As women, loathe as we are to admit it, there is a program running in us that we want our men to be tough and out of touch with their innate tenderness so that it does not put any pressure on us to connect with our delicateness and honour the sacredness that lives deep within us.
Great comment Liane, as women we have allowed and often fed this expectation of men so we avoid reconnecting ‘with our delicateness and honouring the sacredness that lives deep within us’. Is this not our purpose as women?
Great comment Liane, as women we have allowed and often fed this expectation of men so we avoid reconnecting ‘with our delicateness and honouring the sacredness that lives deep within us’. Is this not our purpose as women?
It really is crazy and cruel society that we have created, one that demands that when boys reach a certain age they need to change who they are and cease expecting to be, receive or express the tenderness of love. It is a crime that we have allowed this, and that we are continuing to do so is equally a crime. These are the crimes against humanity that need to be arrested, as they are seeming subtle only because they are normalised, but in-truth are the insidious crimes that continue to perpetuate assault and abuse to our natural way of being.
A young boy being called ‘a little man’ or ‘my little man’ comes loaded with a whole raft of expectations as to what he should be or how he should as he gets older.
Absolutely agree Gabriele. I can remember so clearly when not long after I separated from my husband that someone looked at my then five year old son and said – ‘now you’re the man of the family’. My response was instant and very fierce as there was no way that anyone was going to dump that weight on to my son’s very young shoulders. And I know that this was not an uncommon belief as I had heard it being expressed many times before and many times since, so there will be many men out in the world who are carrying this hugely damaging belief and the associate burden.
“I had been well and truly programmed into believing the many ideals, beliefs and stereotypes that are attached to being a man. That he should be strong, the provider in a family, that he shouldn’t cry, that he would open doors for me, he would do the hard jobs but not the ones in the kitchen, he would be the fixer, the builder and the problem solver. He was the one on the white horse who would save me from the world and we would ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after…” – Ingrid you have nailed it here – in these 3 sentences you have covered most of the most common ideals and belief that we can impose upon a boy/man from a young age. How crazy is this!
Thank you Ingrid – this is a great reminder of how we are all one and the same in our tenderness, delicateness and sensitivity, and that no matter what roles or behaviours we take on in life, deep inside we are all the same.
I remember as a young child I wanted to cut my hair short just because I felt like it and maybe a little because my mum had that too, straight away I was teased in class to be a boy. The ideals and beliefs are indeed so ingrained in society that boys that wear pink are thought to be a girl and girls who cut their hair short are called a boy at least in kindergarten in my experience. We do have to take a moment to wonder if this is really what we feel is true and if it is something we like to go with in life.
Listening to teenage boys and men talk about how they are treated differently in school and society than women, there is underlying hurt, sadness and resentment. They’ve shared how girls are allowed to kick and punch you and if you say stop they just laugh whereas, and I may say rightly so, if boys were to hurt a girl they would be reprimanded…. there should be no mistreatment either way and should be dealt with in the same way. As you say Ingrid, there is a consciousness that all of us have at times or do fall in to playing without even stopping and being aware of it. Thank you for sharing this blog and giving everyone a stop moment to consider how are we adding to and creating this separation.
Yes this is totally unfair on men that it should be ok to abuse them in this way. There is a real imbalance here that needs to be addressed.
” I would support him to be himself in a world which is set up for him to be anything but the true man he innately was born to be. ” This is such an important statement , the world has to be changed so as to support the true qualities of men and not the imposed false identifications that a man is burdened with.
Yes it is true that men are deeply tender and sensitive beings (same as women) and also very strong and powerful. Often we label men in both extremes on the one hand expecting them to be tough as you have described and in another way trying to turn them into something soft that we can feel safe with – neither being true.
Ingrid a beautiful sharing and one that resonates with me to feel the importance of raising all our children and supporting each other to be all that we naturally are and not what we think we should be.
“If today someone placed a new born boy in my arms and I took on the responsibility of raising him, how would I do it?
I would honour him for the delicate and tender being that he naturally is and support him to retain the connection to this true essence.
I would allow him to express his feelings, show his sensitivity, encourage him to be honest and to respect all others as equals.
I would support him to be himself in a world which is set up for him to be anything but the true man he innately was born to be.”
How beautiful Ingrid, and how inspiring for any mother to read these lines and to share them with her son, whatever his age.
There is a belief that is perpetuated that women are a mystery and that men will never understand them so it is not worth trying. If we were to bring up children as you suggest would then this belief dissolve in to thin air and would we have men and women who could truly meet and understand each other because they had been brought up as equal and allowed to foster their own qualities from the start?
Yes, whatever those qualities are.
Deeply deeply beautiful Ingrid and deeply felt! I was raised with the notion of a man being hard and tough and being able to brave anything in life. But I now know that the true might of a man is expressed when he is able to be himself and remain shining brightly in the face of these falsely imposed ideals and rigid ways in society.
I have often spoken to women who wish the men in their life where able to open up and be more sensitive, and yet also be so easy to scorn and reject the expression of tenderness or fragility in a man because we are not used to it, and in some cases it can even be an uncomfortable thing to be adored as a woman when we can feel such lack of worth for ourselves. We really need to learn how to put aside all we have been fed and allow men and woman to just be
“So, no wonder relationships struggle under the weight of expectations when the parties involved (both the man and the woman) don’t understand who they are in the first place as they have been programmed from a very early age to be someone they are not.” So true Ingrid – this is such an important and powerful point.
A lovely blog Ingrid. It is for all of us, men and women to work together and unpick all the expectations we have placed on ourselves and each other so we can get back to the tender joyful beings we naturally are.
Debra, Ingrid amazingly put as the real joy and magic of life comes together when we allow ourselves to be all that we naturally are.
The sweetness of this sharing is palpable ???? – when a man is given the support he needs to truly be himself the world is blessed with a man that is tender, loving and true.
Thanks Ingrid for a marvelous reflection on how we, as a society, set up these ‘rules’ around child rearing and caring along gender lines. Working with new parents I know it’s a ‘hot topic’ and clearly shows me how expectations around parenting boys (and girls) are passed on from generation to generation. It’s so important that we talk more openly about alternate ways of rearing our young. I feel there are many parents who would like to do things differently but are scared of going outside the ‘norms’. Your blog offers readers the opportunity to stop and consider the implications of their parenting choices.
Yes, we all play a part in it, even if just one small part, it all adds up to the whole.
Yes indeed we blame men for not listening but have we been listening to them?
Listening is something that so many of us simply aren’t very good at as all we want is to share what we have to say as quickly as possible and so interrupt the speaker. If we took the time to listen to our children when they have something important to share we are honouring the fact that they are not just little people who ‘don’t know what they are talking about’; words that are very often spoken by adults. I feel so strongly that by committing to listen to our young ones and respecting what they are sharing that we may just prevent them taking on many of the childhood hurts that so many of us carry, unresolved, with us through into adulthood.
I would love to be the baby boy in your arms!
Smiled when I read this Rosie and several hours later I’m still smiling!
All of what you’ve shared relating to how boys are often raised and instructed to be is teaching them to have a specific ‘identity’, and is thus promoting separation, inequality and for them to feel like they have to conform to an image rather than be who they are…
Observing the tenderness within boys, especially at a younger age, reminds me of the tenderness I hold within.
The melting quality this offers another is the joy we can experience with men of all ages if we allow them to just be!
I too know of the expectations I have had of the men in my life and the disappointment when they didn’t stack up to what I wanted them to be. There is so much harm in this reality, a constant cutting away at any love, honour and respect that may have been present in the start of a relationship. So, I do say that both men and women equally are responsible for the reality we now live with where we have men needing to live up to the ideals and expectations of what a man is, to the absolute denigration of society to where we now have such excessive rates of domestic violence, and violence in many other forms.
We can turn this around and as Ingrid has shared, it all begins with how we bring up our boys.
I agree Leigh, there is much harm in wanting people to be how we want them to be, to match our ideals of how we think they should be, instead of allowing them the space to be who they are, and how they want to be. It doesn’t mean we put up with abuse, but it does mean that we call ourselves out and allow ourselves to see the expectations we hold and place on others (and ourselves), and how crushing this can be.
I am with you Ingrid, boys or men are just as precious, sensitive, tender and delicate. Like you say when you see a baby, it doesn’t matter if it is a boy or a girl they are just from heaven, both the same. And we all have the power to change the way we look at men and how we ask them to be something they are not, as we all have contributed to this restricting way of imposing our expectations, ideals and beliefs on them and on ourselves too. Becoming aware is the first step and taking responsibility to be honest and open about our current way of living is the next to eventually come to a more harmonious world.
This is a great exercise you are presenting here, to reflect through the eyes of another and feeling into how they might feel. We are so very much set up in this world to be a certain way that it is so very important that we work together to unravel all that that has made us into but doen’t allow for how we truly feel and would natural express.
What an absolutely beautiful & touching sharing, Ingrid offering so much love and understanding to who men really are and the honouring of this . ” the world would be a whole lot more harmonious than it is now if a man, from the time he was born, was supported to be who he naturally is and allowed to express that in his own unique way.” Amazing how simple this could be.
Yes I agree Tricia and Ingrid – same applies for men and woman. Imagine if we were all supported to express in our own true way – without any preconceived idea of how that “should” look or be.
I second that Trish – Ingrid has presented a great reminder for us about how we can all support the sensitivity of men and women. For it is never about the ‘them’ and ‘us’ approach, rather it is about the ‘we’ approach and the realisation that we are all ultimately the same on the inside.
This is so beautiful Ingrid, you express the truth of a man in all of his natural tenderness and sweetness very well. Thank-you.
Yes our precious boys are equally tender, sensitive and amazing as our little girls, we have a long way to go before we redress the pressures we place on children to be everything they are not.
True Vanessa, we have to learn who we are so we can spot when someone is not living from that essence themselves. We cannot ask another to be what we are not prepared to be and it may take a little while for trust to be rebuilt.
We have been caught in a cycle that tells us we need to prepare our children for the tough world that is out there and therefor force them to be something other then what they innately are, not realising that it is precisely this change that is causing the rough world around us.
I totally agree with you Carolien, I was in the company of a young 20 year old recently and their whole upper body was hard and ridged. They know this and explained this is because they are bracing themselves against the world, it’s their way of protecting themselves against the intense way of life that is coming at them. They know they are living in the brace position but do not know how to be otherwise. Most parents want to toughen up their children so that they can cope with school and life, many feel that being sensitive in this world is a recipe for disaster for the child. But actually by squashing our delicateness and sensitivity we are actually disempowering ourselves by taking away the tools that will actually support us to live in this life.
This is true Ingrid it would serve us well to examine all the ideals and beliefs we have been programmed with, that we take for granted as they are ‘normal’. But what has set the standard for normal? And what if normal often is far from what would be true?
The movement of “normal” or the ‘norm’ needs to be watched closely. If we have a look back over anyones lifetime, ‘normal’ has made movements away from itself constantly and is really just a title for what any collective group is doing at the time, it doesn’t have a constant terminal to bring itself back to, it can just keep moving. We seem to be put at ease by ‘normal’, we feel like we belong or are justified or similar but what if normal isn’t normal to what is truly natural? Should normal be allowed to simply just keep moving at every point or should the norm stay consistent and call us back to a central point? At this point normal is a cover and the use of the word in it’s current form has allowed us to continually slip into where we stand today, which is far from truly normal.
I really like your unpicking of ‘normal’ here Ray, it may deserve it’s own blog.
Who defines normal and more so why do we define it .. to feel safe and not evolve or question how we are living? Personally I am very glad Universal Medicine are re-defining normal to be of true health, vitality, well-being, love, care, integrity, responsibility and commitment to life to name a few .. oh including consistency and steadiness. I know if I had this as a reflection growing up as a teenager my life would have been very different in a positive way.