My husband and I had very different upbringings with two very different sets of ideals and beliefs about how a relationship and marriage ‘should’ look – which often led to conflict.
For example, we had different ideas about how:
- a woman ‘should’ be as a wife
- a woman ‘should’ be as a mother
- a husband ‘should’ be as a partner, and
- a man ‘should’ be the provider.
We were both unhappy, blaming the other for the way things were. Neither of us wanted to take responsibility for the way our relationship was. We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see.
The unresolved feelings of hurt, rejection and a lack of trust we brought to this relationship always left us wanting the other to prove their love first so we could feel secure and safe.
Once we realised that this approach did not bring us closer to each other, we started to look for another way; we truly wanted a love-filled relationship and we were not going to give up on having that.
Starting to take Responsibility – Listening without Reacting
As both of us started to take responsibility for what we were creating, slowly we were able to stop blaming each other for the way things were, and start looking at our own part in what was happening. We began talking honestly and openly with each other about the hurts that certain situations brought up for us and what we were feeling and why.
Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.
This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.
A Deep Commitment and Re-connection to Self
At the same time we both worked on a commitment to self first, recognising our own ideals and beliefs around how a relationship should look, and becoming more aware of how these affected the other. By choosing a deeper connection to self first, and then simply making our relationship about love, and nothing but love, our connection to our selves and each other grew deeper and stronger naturally.
A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.
The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.
I have seen for myself that relationships work best when they are a union of two people, a union that needs to continually be developed and worked on. It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.
A true commitment is:
- based on love, where all are equal, and no one is left feeling lesser
- embracing everything in and with unity, without separation, judgement or control
- about committing to oneself first, and from there committing to all others, equally so.
In a committed relationship we are constantly open to sharing and expressing what is felt and what is needed.
Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens: I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end.
The presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are where the tools to work on and build our relationship to be one of love are offered to us. It is with these tools that we have now created a true relationship, based on love. And it is that love that allows us to take responsibility for any conflict in our marriage and supports us to be able to discuss anything and everything that comes up, without going into a reaction or taking it personally.
by Nicole Serafin, 41 years, Tintenbar, NSW, Australia
Further Reading:
I would say that most of us carry around unresolved hurts and feeling of being rejected that we then take into a relationship. We then expect the other person to prove their love to us first before we will even make a step towards them. So is it any wonder the divorce rates are so high along with domestic violence from both sides because of these unresolved hurts and feeling of rejection that we are unable to express and rot us away from the inside out.
When we make love the foundation of any relationship it is a total game changer and ideals and beliefs are exposed for the imposters they are.
All our ideas we have about how we and another should be just sets us up to fail.
When we are in reaction we are positioned against the other and completely individualised, from our hurts and ideals. Working on them instead of blaming others is the beginning of our healing and opening to love.
Gorgeous Nicole, thanks for sharing; ‘And it is that love that allows us to take responsibility for any conflict in our marriage and supports us to be able to discuss anything and everything that comes up, without going into a reaction or taking it personally.’ It feels super helpful not going into reaction and taking things personally, I can feel that this would allow an openness and an understanding and mean that each person could truly listen and understand what is being shared by the other.
Not reacting to the other person in a relationship gives both the space to work through any issues without getting caught in the blame game.
This is really helpful to read; ‘Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.’ Thanks for sharing.
Strong and loving relationships don’t just happen, they call for constant communication and deepening connection to yourself and another.
What you describe here is so common in relationships, great to hear that there is a way to move forward and heal the relationship, ‘The unresolved feelings of hurt, rejection and a lack of trust we brought to this relationship always left us wanting the other to prove their love first so we could feel secure and safe’.
I have come to see that one of the biggest causes of relationship issues is that the parties don’t listen to each other. I mean truly listen, giving their full attention until the other has spoken and shared all that needs to be said and not interrupting in any way. But this doesn’t happen as most people just want to get their words out, and don’t even focus on what is being shared, champing at the bit to speak. How amazing it would be if we were taught how to listen as children and to respect what the other person has to say; this is what taking responsibility is all about.
AS we let go of the ideals and beliefs…some taking a while to dislodge, we allow love more space in our bodies and we feel the power and authority of that love.
Taking the responsibility to have true communication within a relationship is key, as often we leave things unsaid and then blame the other for not meeting our pictures. How many marriages have ended due to not fully communicating what we want and what we expect? At least if we have the discussion of what we expect then we each know if we are on the same page; this goes for friendships and family relationships also.
It is very beautiful to know that there can be a deepening that never ends.
Wow it takes so much pressure of a relationship if we are able to Listen without Reacting, when we react instead of responding we escalate a situation to only cause more harm and heart ache – far far more wise to listen, observe and respond.
As a single woman I can feel I have looked outside myself wanting another to ‘complete’ me. That there has been a looking out for love to come from outside to confirm me, yet when this is taken to relationships it is an expectation and demand and is not what love is based on. I am learning that when I truly love myself and don’t need anything from another then I can be love with another.
It’d be more honest if we renamed what we call relationships, ‘blame games’, for this what we mostly live. Whether it’s our wife, child or the sun and the stars we look to them for the reason things turned out ‘bad’. It’s time we stopped and took stock and saw that real real-lationships start with us taking responsibility with ourselves first.
The ability to truly listen and not take things personally is crucial to building a loving relationship as it is only when 2 people feel confident enough to really share their true selves and how it is for them that they can begin to create the foundations of a relationship built on love and respect.
” At the same time we both worked on a commitment to self first, recognising our own ideals and beliefs around how a relationship should look, ”
This is very important for once a person has a picture about how a relationship should look then there is an expectation on the other to full-fill that picture and when the expectation is not full-filled then there is rejection and resentment.
A commitment to self first is always important, recognising what ideals and beliefs we allow to come in and impose on another, then with this awareness we can make new choices, ‘ By choosing a deeper connection to self first, and then simply making our relationship about love, and nothing but love, our connection to our selves and each other grew deeper and stronger naturally.’
I have always held this picture that being in a relationship is ‘more’ and I am less for not being in one. However, I am starting to feel how at the moment I actually don’t want to be in one, that I am more in a period of deepening and developing my own self, getting to know who I am, what I like and don’t like etc and that it is cool for me to enjoy this process.
We tend to think our relationship is ‘good’ if we can ‘plug in and play’ – it’s consistent and the same everyday. But the truth is as you show Nicole is totally different – it’s about us going deeper with Love in every way.
So many powerful relationships have been deepened and developed because of the way love has been shown to be something more than an emotion, that is fleeting at best.
Ideals and beliefs do come in between two people in a relationship because there is a picture and the one person will think it should be like this and the other person will think it should be like that and both feel shattered or react when the picture is actually not being the reality. I have noticed this myself too and I learning more and more to totally let pictures go and just feel what is loving and what is not and make that most important, even though in the past I thought something else was the true way.
An amazing testament to the fact that being in true relationship with each other can only come from living up to who we truly and already are within, rather than trying to live up to pictures of who we are not, fuelled by our unresolved hurts.
Listening and not taking personally is a skill that I often see many adults working with, to master once again. And this is possible because as children it was our natural way – to simply observe.
In a relationship you have to be prepared to work on yourself. It starts with respect and decency with communication and expressing by reflection how you know and want it to be knowing that you are 100% committed to the relationship; there will always be more to unfold with.
The love we have between us extends beyond partners, marriages and families. It extends to all we encounter in life and in the expression of who we are without our hurts or expectations, the love that is within us is communicated outwards.
So true Heather and what you have shared highlights just how healing it is for us all, all our relationships when we express the love we are within, as we not only restore trust but also offer a reflection of who we actually all are in essence.
I think that this bit that you share is key and something I am working on, to learn to listen without taking things personally. But just observe and allow the other to express. It then allows you to get to a shared understanding and openess with one another.
Nicole, ‘I have seen for myself that relationships work best when they are a union of two people, a union that needs to continually be developed and worked on’, this really makes sense, I can feel how it is easy to let things slide; to take the other person for granted; to not appreciate ourselves or the other and to not work and so on and develop the relationship and so it is very lovely to read about the importance of developing relationships and making them about love first and foremost.
‘It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.’ I feel that that is exactly what we tend to create….agreements, and agreements lead to disagreements . We set ourselves up to expect certain sorts of behaviours and blame the other or ourselves when things go ‘wrong’. All this is outside true love. It is a way of tolerating each other rather than allowing accepting and appreciating ourselves and our partners. Love does not compromise itself in putting up with disregard so love can be firm in this sense but neither is it controlling or manipulating. Love is a sharing and it is equal in us all. It is a matter of us connecting with this love and living it to the best of our ability with ourselves and then it naturally spills out into all other relationships. In being love I am living in and from the body of love that I am building, reconnecting to the love I have always known but chosen to ignore.
To listen without reacting with blame is such a beautiful thing to develop as it allows for the possibility for greater understanding and to realise that another is equal in essence to us.
It is super important to give each other space in the relationship and never to impose or need the other to be a certain way. Reaction never truly achieves anything and never evolves or deepens but only ever creates distance and disconnection
” ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; ” .
This is so important for when one has taken something personally then one is in reaction and therefore not fully with themselves . Normally the reaction is to the fact that a picture that one holds is not being fulfilled and one is hurt by the failure of the picture not being the outcome. This then brings judgement which leads to bitterness and resentment.
We aspire to write a million words, to become ‘learned’ and speak on topics at length, to be published and have ‘something to say’. But what I can see and hear in what you beautifully share Nicole is that the wisest move in this life is to become a great listener. To receive not only the words people say but the energy and the things they communicate underneath, informs and supports you in an incredible way. The answer to everything is available right now if only we are willing to observe and listen. At school we were rigorously taught to ‘stop, look and listen’ whenever we crossed the road – but now I can see this advice truly applies to the whole of life.
When we stop and consider that we all grow up with vastly different ideals and beliefs about how people and the world around us should be – and we hold onto them without questioning whether they are true or not, it’s no wonder we have so much conflict in our relationships.
The skill of observation is worth investing in as it creates the space to understand another on a deeper level, and with that understanding we are less driven by control or expectations. Same goes for ourselves too.
There’s a unresolved and unaddressed elephant in the room when it comes to our relationships. Behind the fairy take surface and happy presentation we seem to think we need to put out is a harsh and abusive reality – so many of us fight. It seems to be tacitly accepted as the norm, while disdain and disconnection is not even registered these days. But if we start to understand what you present Nicole, that true harmonious connection begins first with ourselves, then it starts to make a whole heap of sense why we argue so much. No matter what happens, what circumstance blows up, what button is pushed we actually all have a powerful choice about how we are going to be. It’s our responsibility to consistently present Love, anything else we invite trouble in. No greener pastures will change this fact, and indulging in blame just prolongs the whole act.
Expressing openly honestly and consistently is certainly supporting me in the relationship I have with my husband but I have to watch I don’t go into thinking I know more; the moment I do I have lost myself and there’s no equality within the relationship
It is always inspiring to feel how love is the greatest equaliser of all. As whenever we surrender to love we are always guided by the quality of oneness that honours the essence of each and every one of us – far more real than any ideal or belief. In committing to a relationship of love, with ourselves first and with our partners, we embrace our relationship with evolution through which we continue to deepen our connection to love, and discover the magic that is revealed through this wondrous journey of unfoldment together.
So great to read this Nicole, it is so important to take the personal out of the equation but when we have lived from this perspective for most of our lives it really does take discipline and dedication to want to change. Often for me it will take a day or two before I can untangle myself from my ideals etc and really be able to see both aspects and what I am bringing to a situation that is not supportive. Mainly my need to be right which is basically crippling in relationship. The more I practise the better I am getting and the less time it takes for me to be able to observe.
Relationships flourish when we express and share what we are truly feeling so that love is the foundation of all.
I agree Nicole that a big game changer in any relationship is being able to listen and not interrupt whilst the other is speaking. It also feels great to be listened to in this way.
Very lovely to read this again this morning and feel the love, tenderness, and dedication that you bring to your relationship/s. I feel that the only way we can deepen our relationship with others is by deepening our relationship with ourselves, being willing to look at anything that gets in the way of a a harmonious and playful interaction.
Thank you Nicole for sharing your experience and wisdom, Not taking responsibility for the part that we play in any conflict, blame and guilt become a part of the play for many couples who live in unloving relationships. “The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.”
Nicole, this is huge, ‘Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally’, I can feel that it is reacting and taking things personally that for me causes issues in my relationships, if I simply listen and understand and do not go into judgment then I can observe and feel into what is being shared, it is my reaction to what others say that is painful and causes conflict.
To be present and listen I can understand how this can be a game changer. When I am truly listening I hear every word spoken, I observe and it offers me an opportunity to go deeper in taking responsibility for my part. To truly listen is an expression of love.
Conflict seems to be a inevitable part of our lives and the lives of our societies and countries… And yet as Nicole writes in this microcosm of the macrocosm, there is most definitely a way out of this seemingly inevitable downward spiral.
Marriage “is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.”- so true. That is why so many marriages end up in divorce because the marriage has been based on ideals and beliefs which has no love as a foundation, therefore it is bound to cause disharmony in the relationship.
“Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens: I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love.” We may try to blame the other but taking responsibility for everything that happens in life casts a whole new light – on everything…..
It is the commitment to always communicating, deepening, sharing our feelings, reflecting on our own responsibility, that is the inspiration of what a relationship is, it is facing the imperfections of daily life, that a relationship feels alive.
Amazing! How inspiring it is for both of you to have the reflection of the other beaming so brightly back at you. The willingness for you both to take responsibility for your behaviours is so refreshing.
Every relationship is about responsibility, a responsibility to live more love, to reflect the divinity we come from. To let all people experience and feel it is possible to live love together, not from hurt or protection but from being dedicated to evolution.
This is such great relationship advice. It is such a pleasure to take responsibility for the way I feel and to unravel those ideals and beliefs that lie stiff in my body. It is so much more joyful to explore what a relationship can be, without them.
Always a pleasure to read about a relationship consisting of two people both willing to share equal responsibility. What an enormous difference this makes to every single day. And then the reflection for everyone else is huge and offers them a chance to consider doing the same thing. Living in the blame game is simply awful.
Nicole – I love what you say here about issues in relationships not happening overnight and how they are a slow building when we stop working on the relationship each day. I have been married a year and from this and my involvement in Universal Medicine, I know that I feel it as soon as my husband and I stop working and building on ourselves and each other. It feels awful – and of course we can choose to numb these feelings with food or entertainment etc – or we can nominate it talk about it and move forward together in support of each other. It breaks the ideals of a marriage but it has completely changed how I see relationships.
In a true relationship we each have an equal part to play in being open, honest and expressing what we feel so that nothing can come between the sharing of your love.
“As both of us started to take responsibility for what we were creating, slowly we were able to stop blaming each other for the way things were, and start looking at our own part in what was happening.” This line alone could steer any relationship back to love and the rest of this blog is equally awesome. Thank you for sharing the lived wisdom of your relationship with us all.
So many relationships appear to be an arrangement or even dumping ground for undealt with hurts. It is so beautiful to read of commitment to love being the foundation and there being a dedication to addressing pictures, beliefs and hurts, ensuring there is no blame… just responsibility, love and the expression of that at all times. Gorgeous.
Great blog Nicole. It can be quite intense when I am already in reaction to come out of it but making the connection and love the focus is a great way to come back together.
I love how you did not make solving the issues the purpose Nicole, and didn’t focus on delving into the difficulty but made being closer and loving your goal. This reframes the conversation we have with regards to relationshps from difficulty and disaster, divorce and disagreement to ‘wow we can have amazing harmony – how do we have more of that?’. This seems subtle but is a huge paradigm shift in how we all relate to the world. Through this we become builders of bridges, connections and Love.
It is always great to re-visit this blog and deepen awareness of the key reminders for all relationships. We are in relationship all the time with ourselves and every person we meet or interact with – in fact we are in relationship with everyone and everything all of the time energetically so.
Thank you for these key reminders – Listening, appreciation, communication, responsibility rather than blaming, not taking things personally, acceptance.
‘ And it is that love that allows us to take responsibility for any conflict in our marriage and supports us to be able to discuss anything and everything that comes up, without going into a reaction or taking it personally.’ Beautifully said and very true Nicole, I find this is key to all our relationships in life with family, friends and work colleagues. To be able to stand and truly listen to another without reaction or taking it personally allows the space for a more true and deeper connection with another.
The anti-dote to any issues in relationships is by feeling and expressing true appreciation of another and all the inherent qualities that they are and bring from their essence.
True, honest and real appreciation of ourselves and others is key for all relationships to flourish rather than flounder. Appreciation changes the way we see things and brings warmth back to our being.
Different sets of ideals and beliefs will cause conflict in relationships just as they do in life between groups of people. Realising and understanding that we will have different perspectives because of our lived experience and individual expression is very powerful in understanding that we hold the same truth simply expressed differently.
I love your point of how important it is to listen to each other, as this gives such a vital moment to connect and gather so much information and understanding of the interaction, the issue or problem, rather than a quick reactive reply. Feeling like you have been listened to and met in these exchanges is more than half way to addressing any conflict.
When we truly take responsibility for ourselves there is no room for blame or conflict. How awesome is that.
I am starting to find that by feeling the other person I can read and understand without judgement what is really going on for them, this helps to stop me from reacting. When I can see and feel the bigger picture I am less likely to get caught in reaction.
Blame is an ingrained behaviour in most relationships, learning to get over this and both take responsibility is huge, when we look at our own part in what has happened we have an opportunity to evolve if we are stuck in blame nothing but harm comes out of it.
Learning to not take things personally is absolutely huge. Knowing that how my partner is, is no reflection on me and that I am not there in a relationship to change my partner, I am there to love him, is a lovely place to stop and consider and so much pressure is lifted just by that realisation. Shedding ideals and beliefs about relationships is worthwhile and takes some honesty, willingness to be open and to want to go there, and a commitment to being vigilant so as to recognise ideals and beliefs when they pop up. It’s so worthwhile though.
Beautifully said Amanda – this makes everything feel less complex with being there to simply love someone.
I am not there in a relationship to change my partner, I am there to love him, is a lovely place to stop and consider and so much pressure is lifted just by that realisation’.
Beautiful Stephanie and Amanda What you talk of here is acceptance, when we accept another without the need to change them we inspire them by no imposition. Accepting one and other is huge and vital is we want a truly successful relationship.
We tend to think of conflict in our relationships as unfortunate blips, or horrific and unexpected moments that caught us by surprise. But the truth is as you show Nicole, is that these situations build and grow from us disregarding and not being true with others and in ourselves. What would our world and relationships be like, if we all studied in our first school classes the art of listening and appreciating life? The cool thing is it is never too late to develop this and find there is actually a way to live free from judgement and control.
“What would our world and relationships be like, if we all studied in our first school classes the art of listening and appreciating life?” For sure Joseph if this happened society would not be in the mess it is now, learning to appreciate each other is fundamental if any true growth is required. Before we learn anything at school we need to learn the basics like self responsibility,appreciation and self care.
What you are presenting here Nicole offers a valuable map to support relationships to flourish and constantly grow through the richness of each person taking responsibility for their commitment to themselves and to the relationship. It takes both parties to make the relationship a loving, dynamic union but you are a great example of what is possible. Thank you.
Nicole I am really impressed by the way you changed your relationship around. As you say getting rid of ideals and beliefs is the first step to clearing the way to making relationships about Love.
“We began talking honestly and openly with each other about the hurts that certain situations brought up for us and what we were feeling and why.” Yes this a game changer for sure. I found talking about my hurts even the ones that seem so silly, is what is very healing to do in a relationship. It is giving myself the space to express what I feel and honour that I felt hurt yet not going into the hurt or personalizing it and this creates trust and space to be myself in the relationship.
It’s amazing to be able to talk about tricky issues with my partners without us taking it personally. As Nicole says, its a game-changer and supports the relationship to evolve and grow whereas when we take things personally, all that comes up it more hurt to bury the light even more.
Ah the old blame game. Such an easy one to slip into and yet it exposes an absolute lack of willingness to take responsibility for our own choices.
Thank you for sharing Nicole, showing that it is possible to come back to a truly loving relationship if we’re prepared to let go of the ideals and beliefs and the blame game by being willing to accept responsibility for how we are with ourselves and remaining open to one another and dealing with the hurts when they’re triggered.
Expressing in full with no attachment is very liberating.
Spot on Tony. I often want to get things right and not have others feel discomfort or pain. Dropping this gives space and clarity for things to then move forward and evolve. When I hold on to them, it’s a stick in the mud that cannot be moved past.
Nicole – this blog is awesome. I have read it before but as life evolves and relationships deepen, it was as though I had not read it before. It is a classic in the sense that it could be read at any time by anyone and be relevant.
“about committing to oneself first, and from there committing to all others, equally so”. I realized this week that the way I looked at commitment was to commit first at all things outside of myself, like work, projects, people etc. And there was still a lot of doing around commitment for me. Now I am learning that commitment starts first with me, but not just with me, but with everything of me and all that I bring. If I commit to that, then from there, I commit from that foundation to all and everything around me. Feels completely different!
This comment and line from the blog throws me a little. I am great with commitment – but external commitment. To commit to myself is something that makes me squirm a little. When you say Marietta “Commitment starts with me…with everything of me and all that I bring” I realise I do not commit to me. I can easily commit to others, work, projects, responsibilities…but to commit to all that I bring – that is not something I have committed to.
I recently had an encounter with a man where I felt his initial first reaction to meeting me and I was momentarily rocked but managed to feel my body and came back to me again, but a little later another comment was made and I felt myself holding my love back from him which felt really awful, so I was reminded of how harmful it is when we make it about us and not about love.
Julie that is beautiful. For me the reaction to withhold my love and go into the reaction is so very strong. I’ve made a commitment and have made progress with the reaction part, but the withholding love part is the next step. Accepting how harmful it is paves the way for me to take responsibility for it and the consequences of those choices.
Thanks Nicole for bringing attention to the power of ideals, beliefs and images in our relationships. When I hold on to these old patterns believing I am right, I set up an environment of separation. comparison and competition – this never brings the connection I am seeking. Time to reflect on each choice as it is being made and allow what really going on to show itself. Powerful sharing 🙂
It is only when we can truly listen, without judgement, comparison, indeed without any process happening at all, simply listening, that we can start to build any true relationships, either with our children, our partners or friends.
Wow! There is a profound sense of wonder and joy on reading your comment Chris. How different the world would be if we had been listened to in this way when we were children and the knock on effect as to the adults we then grow into. What a beautiful foundation to build true relationships from – simply listening without any process going on.
On rereading your blog Nicole I am again struck by the destructive influence ideals and beliefs have on our lives. Unless we dissolve these influences they will continue to have a detrimental effect on our relationships.
I also loved your simple, yet very powerful, analysis of what a true commitment is.
Reading this I can recognise much from my own relationship and the deepening of the love between myself and my partner. Letting go of the ideals and beliefs allows us to stop the ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ mentality which can so easily lead to conflict.
We have found that reaction in its’ many forms is so destructive in a relationship, any relationship in fact. And reactions come from our ideals and beliefs about how things should be or how someone should behave or respond. My husband and I are also deeply committed to the evolution of our relationship and find that self awareness and self responsibility play a big part in this process.
in my experience bringing people together so that they can have true relationships, not based on hurt, but on connection and love is one of the most profound and beautiful aspects of the presentations of Universal Medicine.
It is inspiring to read about the way you have developed and deepened the love in your relationship with your husband Nicole. You make it so clear that we need to love and commit to ourselves before we can love and commit to another. It is awesome to know I can work on the relationship I have with every person in my life using all the principles you outline in your blog.
Thank you Nicole for a beautifully honest sharing, two things that stood out were
“Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer”.
A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.
The “..willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens” and for what we bring to the relationship is huge. The other ‘game changer’ is remembering that your partner is not their behaviours, and so it’s about being prepared to not react to the behaviour or to what has been said, but looking beyond these to their essence and connecting with that.
Such a beautiful sharing, Nicole.
“Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer”.
This is so true and being aware of how we react to each other’s reactions has been a game changer for our relationship as well. Reactions are so destructive and unloving.
Being able to observe and not absorb in relationships is crucial and there are opportunities every day for me to to practise – how horrible it feels when I do react and find myself saying something that is totally not me and how lovely it feels when I can stay with the love in my body regardless of what is going on outside.
So true Elaine, it is just a choice to stay with love, one I have not mastered yet! But with the tools and awareness inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I feel so much more equipped to deal with whatever is coming at me. Universal Medicine has been such a massive support in helping me to stay true and see any situation for what it truly is.
I love this line – ‘A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs.’ – yes Nicole, this is so true. As you have shown, through your commitment to love, that the power of love does indeed break through the limitations of ideals and beliefs, naturally restoring harmony to all relationships that we are involved in.
Although my husband and I have recently chosen to separate, I can feel the foundation that we have built of Love and support (much of which can be attributed to what we have both learned about love through Serge and Universal Medicine) We are (for the most part) still choosing to express in this loving and supportive manner with each other, and choosing to remain open with each other. This is a miracle to me, because it is not something I have been able to achieve before when a relationship has ended. Indeed, this demonstrates that our relationship has Not ended but has simply changed form and is now offering a healing for those observing how caring we are with each other despite having physically moved apart!
Pernilla Horne, thank you for sharing this – your final sentence is an inspiration in itself – relationships simply changing form and not ending – this is beautiful to read.
” Indeed, this demonstrates that our relationship has Not ended but has simply changed form and is now offering a healing for those observing how caring we are with each other despite having physically moved apart!”
Hi Nicole, I can feel your own experience in this expression. ‘We worked on commitment to self first, how a relationship should be and then made our relationship about love, our connection to our selves and each other, we left no room for ideals and beliefs so there could be no blame or conflict and we listened to each other without reaction.’ These are powerful words.
Taking reaction out of the interplay within relationships brings a whole new dynamic whereby each or all involved have the space to remain true to themselves and support another to also hold to what is true. Relationships such as these can change the world, to become a place that all co create within a foundation of love – who in their right mind would want to choose to be anywhere else?
The relationship that you have both committed to developing is surely the ideal of what most marriage counsellors would only dream their clients would commit to. The self-responsibility, honesty and love you have developed is inspirational and what any true relationship should be founded and built upon.
Beautifully expressed Carola Woods – “Choosing love is choosing truth which frees us up to simply be all that we naturally and beautifully are in equalness, together”.
Beautifully shared Nicole. The power of love is undeniable. Choosing love is not about choosing to be perfect or being right or wrong. As you say ‘A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs’. Choosing love is choosing truth which frees us up to be simply be all that we naturally and beautifully are in equalness, together.
It is powerful to feel Nicole how you have both chosen “a love-filled relationship”. When I read you words it is this commitment and simple clarity that feels huge and makes all the things that come up seem small. It is clear you see that this love absolutely starts and ends with responsibility with yourself.
Well said Nicole. That word ‘should’ leaps out at me as an imposition from ideals and beliefs of how we think we should be in the role we have accepted in any relationship. If the other person doesn’t match up to your preconceived ‘should’ they are failing you and if you don’t match up to your own ideal and belief of how you ‘should’ behave then you are also failing yourself. A recipe for disharmony in any relationship with another or with yourself. It is true where you say “It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships”.
A true commitment is:
Being able to really listen, without judgement, without comparison, without trying to fix, but to just listen, is one of the great foundations upon which to build a true relationship.
I did that yesterday, listening without using my head, without thinking what I need to say, without judging, the need to fix or to give advice or to say something really wise. I just listened and stayed connected with me. A huge gift, for the one who was speaking and for me, I have this strong belief that I have to help the other, but actually I don’t have to. I don’t have to do anything, just being me and listening. Pretty awesome.
‘without trying to fix, but to just listen’ Wise words Chris. Trying to fix is so much more about ourselves than caring about the other person. Makes us feel good to be a ‘fixer’ and yet is so dishonouring of the person we supposedly ‘fixed’.
What you share is wisdom for anyone in a relationship – thank you. Blame keep both parties not evolving – as when you both make it about love, as you say – there is no room for conflict. When it comes up you are both there saying ‘what is there to feel?’, ‘what is there is learn?’, ‘how can I more deeply support myself and the other person’. This is our way forward together – not just in intimate relationships but making all of our relationships about love – and here as you point out Nicole, that means first taking responsibility for the quality that we are bringing to the relationship and honestly assessing whether this comes from hurt or love (our fullness).
The commitment to self, the commitment to each other in equalness and to not be in reaction or take things personally are tenets we can use everywhere and an excellent foundation for a healthy relationship.
The expectations we put onto our relationships are just that “our expectations” how does our partner know what these are and how can someone live up to anthers ideal? what you say Nicole is so true in that we need to start talking, listening and with no reaction or judgement these lay the foundations for an equality in a relationship.
You’re so right Andrew. Whenever I have any expectations of my partner (or anyone for that matter) it sets me up for disappointment which I then blame the other for so sit in judgement, criticism and very often hurt. And yet all of this is of my own making for how can anyone possibly live up to the ideals and expectations I have of them, especially when most of the time they have no idea about them anyway.
“The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.” I agree Nicole, ‘willingness to take responsibility for our part’ is key in all our relationships – with every person we come in contact with. How we are within ourselves is reflected back to us in every interaction we have with another.
When I first attended sessions with practitioners of Esoteric Healing, as presented by Serge Benhayon it was often said – ‘simply be love’. This brought many questions….’how can I just be love, what do I have to do, tell me how to change’,…..and so on. The practitioners just smiled and would never tell me what to do! Only by working through old hurts could I begin to feel again and develop a relationship with myself and then with others.
The greatest blessing is returning to the love we already are in our essence which Serge Benhayon, through the way he lives, has inspired me to to return to ‘simply be’ rather than continually being caught up in the ‘doing and pushing through life’.
Thank you Barbara Ross – I now know it is possible for this way in life –
“A love commitment is free of restraints and ever developing and expanding with only one stipulation, become all the love you are and express it”.
Hahaha, I have had the answer ‘Be love’ before and it took quite a while for me to understand what was being offered to me. So often when we go to another with our issues there is this expectation they will be able to provide us with the answer as to what to do to sort it out. Until I met Serge Benhayon my experience was that those people I asked would have a go at trying to give me advice, and I know for a fact I have certainly done this with those who have come to me for support. But this doesn’t help. It’s like sticking a band aid over an open wound, it might bring temporary relief but not long after the wound is exposed and bleeding again. But when the answer is simply ‘Be Love’, there is nowhere to go except to take responsibility for where we are at and make changes for ourselves and in respect of what we feel is true for us.
“It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.” It’s so true Nicole when we share a commitment to love so much is possible. An agreement is binding and can contain hidden clauses, fine print, it can be terminated at any given time. A love commitment is free of restraints and ever developing and expanding with only one stipulation, become all the love you are and express it.
Beautiful Barbara – the truth of what you share here can so clearly be felt. How affirming is it to be in a relationship where all that is required of you is to be ‘all the love you are,’ and the simplicity of this allows for so much more love to be there too.
The ability to truly listen and hear what is being said without judging or reacting is indeed huge and something that we can take to all our relationships.
Nicole this blog is continually inspiring me to go deeper in my relationship with myself and thus with others. On
re-reading your wise words again today, these on commitment stood out –
A true commitment is:
based on love, where all are equal, and no one is left feeling lesser.
embracing everything in and with unity, without separation, judgement or control.
about committing to oneself first, and from there committing to all others, equally so.
It so true, our relationships are in constant evolution and the level of love we can go to just gets deeper and deeper. The quality we get to live with in our relationships is entirely of our own choosing – self responsibility is exquisite.
As with everything in life it first starts with self responsibility. Once we have that then we can look at others to support them. If we only look out and blame then no healing can take place. Recognising also our ideals and beliefs that we are living by will naturally be different to another is another important step. Understanding this will lesson the judgement of another.
A relationship based on love, not ideals and beliefs is a wonderful key to bring the relationship into alinement. This is a great truth.
WOW Nicole this is super inspiring. To know that by committing, in full, to taking responsibility, how amazing it really can be together. Listening without reacting, and being willing to share what is felt and what is needed. Recognising my own ideals and beliefs feels like a hidden Pandora’s Box at the moment, but I am committed to letting them out because right now, it feels like they are controlling me without my consent. Your writing beautifully expresses a freedom that you now feel in your relationship by working on it in this way. Very beautiful, thank you.
Well said Emma Danchin – I feel this sentence is a gem –
“Recognising my own ideals and beliefs feels like a hidden Pandora’s Box at the moment, but I am committed to letting them out because right now, it feels like they are controlling me without my consent”.
Excellent blog Nicole, it’s the taking one hundred percent responsibility for my feelings and reactions that makes all the difference and this is definitely a work in progress for me.
As I slowly re-build the connection to my body and myself I have a more solid platform of love from which to relate from and not instantly re-act when my hurts come up.
This is such a great blog Nicole. Seeing and feeling the pictures I held of how relationships should be has been a slow unravel of poisonous ideals and beliefs. It’s not always the easiest thing to do, being responsible, and I still allow pride to block and stop the awareness but when I can surrender and let love be, it’s amazing.
Relationships are huge learning curve whether it is a partner, family member, friend or business associate and having just experienced an amazing relationships workshop presented by Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine, I have taken another step into true relationship with everyone. Expressing what values I feel are important in relationship, such as each person allowing another to express in their own way, was really helpful. Seeing what values others have in relationships is also a great practical tool to honour each other rather than dwell on shortcomings and behaviour floors, which really are just offering ourselves an excuse to not be fully committed to the relationship.
Yet another awesome and super inspiring blog. The ability to just listen and not take things personally or react is indeed huge. What I am finding is that by making simple choices eg looking into another’s eyes, moving my body so I hear them more clearly and developing understanding so that I don’t take things so personally etc is certainly having an impact on me and my relationships. By making these simple changes I am connecting with others more deeply and I don’t react as much and in the way I used to.
Is is a beautiful blessing from God to feel how there is no end to how deep we can go with the love we can live and share in our relationships.
So true Joshua – infinite love to be shared equally in every relationship, including ourselves!
Reading this blog again I realised that reactions really are a bit like smokescreens or a sideshow designed to distract or cover up the fact we are feeling hurt. It is like the last thing we want to do is admit to another person or to ourselves that we are feeling hurt and so we will do anything to avoid feeling this, even if our reaction hurts the other person! I can feel how working on ourselves and admitting our own hurts which are coming from the notions of how we think things should be in our heads is so important if we are to stop reacting to another person in a relationship.
Having a ‘picture’ or expectations of how a relationship should be, sets it on a sure road to disappointment or even failure. However, basing it on love and being willing to take responsibility for our own choices builds an amazing foundation and an opportunity to take the relationship deeper.
I agree Carmin especially when we understand love to be who we are and that everything else we identify with is trimming! Getting caught up in the trimming and why type of trimming we want to take on is only possible when we do not connect to the limitless body of love within us.
True relationships need self-loving partners committed to make the relationship about love between them. To get there is a process of building up that requires a lot of letting go of things that are not true we bring onboard, acceptance, appreciation and willingness to surrender to what is true. Love does not guarantee getting there though. we have to commit to this happening. It is not always easy. That is why is important to never walk too far from what we deeply know is true regarding the relationship.
Thank you Nicole for your great article. Reading it made me remember my two past relationships with men. I know this game very well – the unresolved feelings of hurt, rejection and a lack of trust and wanting the partner to prove his love first to me, so I could feel secure and safe, but this never happened, because I was coming into this relationships already with hurts, and so my partner. But underneath I know there was love, just not willing to see and appreciating it at the time. I believe that every relationship has the potential for real love.
Great blog Nicole, I love the inspiration you bring with your lived experience. Another challenging thing I have found with relationships is that sometimes you just have to fully accept that the other does not want to take responsibility.
This blog and your “true committment points” are a great resource to anyone considering a new or in a long term relationship.
Thank you Nicole for your open and honest account of dealing with conflict and taking responsibility.
In a recent presentation by Serge Benhayon we were looking at behaviours and all the ideals we have created to fit our perfect picture.
We explored how behaviours keep us from allowing more love into a situation – which fits perfectly into the situation of a marriage – where a man and a woman bring with it their behaviours.
What is interesting is when we strip away all of these ideals and beliefs – the 2 people want exactly the same thing – love.
If that is our foundation in a relationship and everything is built from there – how can there be expectations, disagreements, selfishness. There will only be truth, reflection, and more love in which to evolve.
This is incredible Hannah what you have said here. How can it be that two people enter into a relationship both wanting the same thing – love, and through reactions, hurts, and separation it ends up looking like two people wanting completely different things? Answer: ideals and beliefs and that tricky picture of expectation or need that we bring along with us when we enter any relationship like bulging very heavy baggage. It is crazy that in a way we would prefer to have a closer relationship with that baggage sometimes than with the other person.
I agree with Nicole that since working on my relationships with my wife and other people in my life, using the wisdom from Universal Medicine workshops, courses and retreats, there has been a huge turn around for me personally. I am much less looking at relationships from the point of view of what suits me and what I can get out of them. Instead, I am seeing relationships in terms of what I can offer other people from feeling complete in myself – one simple example is in a hug. I used to initiate a hug when I needed one. Now I offer them feeling how lovely to be hugged by me, while feeling no more or less about myself, if accepted or not by another.
Thank you Nicole, I loved reading this article – sharing so openly allows everyone the opportunity to learn from and be inspired by your experience.
Relationships are indeed the playground for us to realize and let go of all ideals and beliefs if a true relationship about love and only love and evolution is what we choose.
The opportunities that relationships offer us–to come back to truth with ourselves and others are just so cool.
“This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.”- Thank you Nicole for the wisdom you have shared in dealing with relationship issues.
In re-reading this article, I have realised that true responsibility involves allowing others to take responsibility for their issues or things and not keep enabling them or supporting them emotionally because I fear the relationship ending or changing. This article has exposed another layer of control in my relationships with my partner and others which can be let go of, phew what a relief, but also a challenge.
It is such a blessing Nicole Serafin, when we allow ourselves to see how we by not dressing what we feel is not ok in the relationship we actually contribute in keeping the situation as it is. Taking the responsibility for the relationship is the most lovingly we can do as responsibility is inherently part of love, the same love we have chosen to be the basis for our relationship.
Nicole I thank you for an informative blog that I am sure many of us could learn much from. I had not really considered that the ideals and beliefs that we take into relationships could be the cause of most of our problems when relating to each other. Having read your sharing I can see it so clearly now, also when sharing how we feel concerning an issue, to listen, and not to take it personally is definitely a big one. Being Love first opens the door for us to Love all others.
One of the many blessings of what Universal Medicine offers is how relationships have the possibility of what they are truly meant to be, 2 people loving themselves enough to be healing the old disconnections and hurts so that they can actually be with someone else in a loving way, and expressing and communicating from this loving connection , instead of through the mists and shields of hurt and frustration that encumber most relationships
Thanks Nicole, relationship is the biggest challenge but it always feels like the spot that we have the most opportunity for growth and there is simply no end point to this learning. Whether its a relationship with your Husband, work colleagues or your kids what I have noticed is the lessons and the letting go of things seem very similar. If there is something that I am holding onto it gets stuck in all these places equally. I used to think that I was ‘good’ at work and was more challenged at home, I realised recently with the help of my Husband that these stories I tell myself are just untrue, my family simply come as a stronger reflection at times but if you look deeper the same things are there at the core of all and that core is how and what equality I relate to myself with.
Hello Nicole, this is a great starting point for us all in relationships “This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.” I have noticed we often repeated similar things in relationships. We can be with another person but have a similar issue come up that was there is a previous relationship. This for me has proven that I carry an issue into the relationship and what you have said above has been the key to unlocking my part, thanks Nicole.
Relationships are hard work. But what you present seems really simple and loving. its made me realise that relationships require constant presence and a willingness to evolve. If I want that relationship to be awesome, then I have to open up and let the other person in. Thanks Nicole.
Yes relationships do warrant a type of work – but not the kind often thought of as duty, obedience, or working things out based on opinions. As this article so beautifully communicates, it is when we let go of opinions that we can truly meeting another, simply come back to love and express truthfully.
If we look a little deeper, conflict between two people can not occur if there is harmony within the individual.
I can see how being able to listen without reacting and/or taking it personally would be a game changer Nicole… I’ve been experimenting with a bridge away from reacting by saying how I feel, before becoming it, to try and step out of the intensity that can so quickly escalate. To master the art of not reacting is something that would be useful to share in schools across the globe, to make way for expressing/letting go of hurts becoming the norm… Leaving room for all the gorgeous stuff…. Lovely!
This is a great blog, which undoes some of the most common and dysfunctional dynamics that occur in relationships. Blame is most definitely a relationship killer, as is the inability to listen without reaction. Taking responsibility can be hard if there is pride in the way, but well worth it.
Yes, very true Marianna – taking responsibility can be a challenge at times but definitely worth it!
Nicole, when I read about the expectations that you and your husband had for each other and all the blaming that there was, I am reminded there is always the potential it seems to either blame and not take responsibility or to go to a deeper level, and really share in being in a relationship with another person.
Love the support this blog and all these blogs offer, I have read this before and wanted some support on relationships and its just awesome to have such a wealth of wisdom being shared in this way. Thank you Nicole.
Letting go of reaction, blame, ideals and beliefs. Observing ourselves and questioning our emotions and most importantly loving ourselves. Some of the ingredients you mentioned Nicole for a successful relationship. Thank you.
Yes Patricia, and what I also find very important in my case; expressing the hurts and feelings at the moment when they arise, not holding them back or ignoring them, this helps with the self worth, too.
Thank you Nicole, I love your reminder that commitment to love brings relationships together. When there is love there is no space for reaction, judgement or emotional dramas. Love is so powerful, it is our natural way. Beautiful blog.
A must-have how-to guide for any new or indeed any established relationship. What sticks out particularly is that the notion of romantic love needs to be deeply discussed and evaluated in the context of the ideals and beliefs we drag into relationships as an underlying even unconscious set of demands or expectations. The responsibility you describe has to be at the centre of the commitment, surely. For without that any relationship will probably become just an arrangement. I particularly liked the importance you place on listening – true listening, that entertains no judgment, control or need. A great blog and one to come back to time and again for a reminder of the blueprint!
I agree Cathy and what I got when I read your comment here is that responsibility is the food that allows the relationship to grow and bloom, and an arrangement void of any real responsibility feels like a stunted, starved relationship that is not growing but struggling to survive.
I find it fascinating how many of us do not consciously choose to put on a hat of a “Wife” or one of a “Husband” but by virtue of not choosing deeper love we are saying yes to everything that is not love … a lot of responsibility here!
Nicole, what a hugely inspiring and honest account in exposing the reality of the majority of relationships today, and then the truth of how they could be when based on honesty, responsibility, real understanding and true love. What I really resonated in particular were your words here : “A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict” – wow, what a pondering this actually is. The magnitude endless on every level, it would change the entire world and how it worked.
I agree Zofia and so simply put. No ideals and beliefs, means no room for blame or conflict”. This is a huge and joyful wow. Who wouldn’t want to be in relationship with this as the foundation?
I see pride getting in the way of a good relationship also. Pride interferes with our ability to communicate and to listen with out reaction or judgement. Being honest about and taking responsibility for any pride we might have seems to be a key ingredient in loving, healthy and joy filled relationships.
The art of truly listening to another ( whether it be partner, family, colleague or friend), without reacting comes from reconnecting to self, that is a reconnection to the stillness inside and the divine beings that we all are, so that when we express our feelings to another they are open, honest with a willingness to evolve each other, which the other feels, which gives them the space to be open and honest. Beautiful how simple communication can be when we come from our inner heart.
Nicole I choose to read your blog again today as some conflict is presenting in my relationship. What you have shared has supported me to connect to what is true again and offered a way forward, thank you.
I love how inspiring and open this blog is thank you Nicole
Nicole. Thank you for sharing on how you both had to work at coming back together and making your relationship work.
Having a deeper feeling for each other, sharing your concerns, and working through them.
When you knock down the barriers that were between you both, how different life really becomes. May that love and harmony continue to grow and grow.
I’ve been avoiding relationships for a long time because I knew it would lead me to look at things and I’ve dreaded having confrontations. I’m more open now and honest about how things feel with people. Before I would easily have gone into my protection mode and relate from that position. Now I’m learning that it’s no threat out there and that allowing that connection with another is very powerful.
Wow Nicole! Your sentence ‘Starting to take Responsibility – Listening without Reacting’ is really the core of any relationship regardless of what type of interaction it is: husband/wife/partner, friends, acquaintances, family or some one in the supermarket. In fact, this is going to be my mantra for the day and be aware of my reactions and what is happening when I am not listening. Thank you.
Very well said Janne, I definitely agree. Nicole is spot on with the keys to a successful relationship. It is so awesome and honest with what she has shared. It is such a beautiful reminder that relationships can be re-built with consistency, taking responsibility to support a true foundation of love and understanding.
A great blog. showing how relationship requires dedication and an ever present openness and honesty. ‘We need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love.’ The love that you have grown and are growing is an inspiration. Thank you.
Gorgeous Nicole, it is very supportive to read your articles, what stands out for me is, ‘we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end.’ I can feel how important this is and how easy it is to live in the same way and become ‘stuck in a rut’ in a relationship and not evolve. Thank you for the reminder.
Amazing to feel the level of commitment towards having a loving relationship and all that it entails. I see that I still have this idea and belief that if one is with the “right” person that things are naturally loving and harmonious, rather than the reality, that is we need to constantly work towards bing more love to our relationships. Thank you Nicole for sharing your experience.
Wow Nicole, what a fantastic blog and one that I feel has the power to support so many. I have experienced a marriage breakdown as a result of this that you speak of, only for my part it was the lack of responsibility taken in dealing with all the ideals and resulting expectations that were plaguing the relationship. I can see now how these ideals and expectations in relationship are like a plague – a sickness that rots the true connection that is there to be shared with one another.
In my marriage I was constantly looking for my partner to bring me as you say his ‘love first so I could feel secure and safe’ but with this came such huge expectations as well as rest of the ‘ideals’ each of us brought from our upbringing into the relationship that needed to be looked at and healed. It is an inspiration for me that you and your partner have arrived at where you have in your relationship, as I know now I will now approach my next relationship in a completely different light.
The photo above is beautiful and striking – it is striking as very few relationships reflect true love to the world. Of course, it does not have to be this way which is what I feel this rich post is offering. The light that is streaming down from above over Nicole and Michael in this photo is divine. To me it represents there is no such thing as just two people in relationship, when the relationship is based on the truth of love, God is also present and the three make a perfect point of light. Then the relationship is reflecting for all equally and in fact true relationships are not exclusive.
We are so run by our thoughts, ideals and beliefs around how and what a relationship should be and look like. The box ticking really does take it away from any true connection and making it about the one thing that is eternally universal and all encompassing for all, pure, divine, love. Every cell in our bodies knows this, we just need to connect and say yes to it.
Learning not to react is so important for relationships, with husbands, wives, anyone. I know from my relationship that by learning to take responsibility rather than react I have become closer and more understanding with my husband, but I have also gotten to know myself more and have gained more confidence in myself. Our interactions feel more truth and less loaded with stuff that gets in the way of us connecting.
A truly amazing and deeply inspiring article Nicole – BIG thanks.
In my relationship with my husband the biggest thing has been to deal with our reactions. I keep saying “put your understanding hat on and take a deep breath”. We both no longer take things personally and know that whatever it is (usually utter non-sense and so minor) it is not worth the ‘press coverage’ as I call it.
No point holding on or avoiding it. Get it out, discuss it and take responsibility for what is actually going on.
If the same issue comes up again then this is a serious thing and becomes “High Priority” – we need to go for a walk, sit at the table and clear this up – in other words why are we holding on to our hurts as this is the underlying stuff.
That is our recipe and it always works – thanks to the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Great Bina, I like the way you deal with the ‘big things’ when they come up.
It was really supportive to come back to this blog when I felt tension building in my marriage as it reminded me to talk to my partner and remember to truly listen.
Lovely, Nicole… a commitment to love and a willingness to take responsibility; simple ingredients for a beautiful relationship – any relationship! I know when I have not had these ingredients in the past, conflict followed immediately. While a work in progress, I am so appreciative now, of the sometimes challenging feel in taking responsibility – while sometimes uncomfortable for me, it is SO worth it for the joy that follows and the growth that comes from it!
Thank you for bringing a deeper understanding to what true Commitment to being in relationship really is and how all too often we fall for making it about what the other is doing. I can certainly relate to most if not all of it and my relationship with my husband has started to transform since having a deeper understanding & true commitment to our relationship.
Thank you Nicole. This was deeply healing for me to read. I have always loved my wife dearly from the time we met, but over the years there have been times when that love has not been honoured, and there has been conflict. But always underneath the conflict, was an ideal or belief I had about either what I expected from her, or what I expected from myself. As we both learnt to work on these ideals, both individually and as a couple, those moments of tension became less and less, to the point today where 99% of the time we live in a relationship that is playful, engaging, and full of the expression of love and appreciation with each other, and there is not a day that goes by where we do not express such appreciation. However, as I said, it was not always that way, and what got us to that point was deep honesty and a willingness to look at our part in things, and how that played out in relationship. True relationship is something every human being is worthy of, but it always it must start with a commitment to developing a relationship with one’s self first. And we are not taught this. We are instead to seek fulfilment by seeking out another. But relationship with another will always be false whilst ever it is based on seeking of another to fulfil something lacking in oneself first and foremost. And such a foundation for any relationship is always destined to unravel in time.
I find it amazing how we tend to think that because we feel a loving connection with another we don’t have to take any responsibility what so ever for always being the love together. We almost take it for granted that it is there. But then we don’t live that love together so we miss out anyway on it so to speak. Responsibility in-truth is the only way.
Love your blog Nicole. Self Responsibility is huge in any relationship with someone be it a marriage, friends or family. If there is no responsibility then there is only reaction and blaming the other. It was beautiful to read how you have regenerated your relationship with love, commitment and the willingness to deal with personal issues as they arise.
Thank you Nicole for your honest writing of your relationship with you husband. I totally relate to holding back my love until the other person provides me with theirs so I then feel safe to express it or be it. The crazy thing is that this not only hurts them, but me as well. When I am protected and holding back, I can’t feel the love I have for myself or others. I have noticed particularly at work how my colleagues have changed over the years in showing their love at work. Yesterday we returned from holidays and were just so pleased to be together again. It was hugs and kisses all round. I know that I haven’t held back my love and appreciation of them and that has broken down barriers for them to be able to express it not only to me, but teach others as well.
Awesomely simple blog Nicole – imagine that, no ideals, beliefs or conflict, just a commitment to love in a relationship. It’s sad to say but that would be quite a novel experience
Wow Nicole that is an absolute awesome blog. If everyone in this world read it they would be inspired by your words – there would be hardly any divorce and all the divorce lawyer have nothing to do . . .
“Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens”. Absolutely Nicole, it usually happens when our expectations are not met and our expectations come from our ideals and beliefs so how about questioning these first in all honesty ?
Marilyn this is what I picked up on too, “Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens” I know there have been times in my life when it looks like relationships have suddenly changed, yet the truth is there has been a gradual erosion based on expectations, needs or an ideal or belief by one or both parties and if this is not looked at honestly and with understanding then the relationship starts to break down.
“A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.”
This is such a great point. For where do ideals and beliefs come from? They are not something we are born with but which we develop as we grow. And have we consciously chosen them, do we even realise we have taken them on until we are challenged and when we are challenged and defending them are they something we truly believe in?
As I have come to question my ideals and beliefs I have come to realise so many things for example, that I had taken them on because it was what my parents believed, they seemed appropriate in the past but no longer now, that I was being limited and my choices determined by them rather than freely discerning in the moment what was/is correct. The more I keep questioning the more I manage to let them go and the freer I feel. What keeps surprising me is discovering just how many I have that I had not been aware of and keep finding. What a blessing it is to let them go.
“Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.” – you have nailed it Nicole. Once you allow yourself and everyone else to simply be, without judgement, conditions or expectations, reactions will start to fade away and there will be no room for anger and frustration, just a deep loving and holding stillness.
Life taught me that a problem is ‘out there’ thus eliminating self responsibility, which is in fact the first place to start. I’ve found that simply talking about a problem can shift the energy of the situation quite profoundly.
It is also very freeing when we finally do stop the ‘blame game’. Because finally we get to see our part and have a chance to resolve what is shown to us by it. The situation does not need to come around to show me the issue again. And by deepening our awareness, understanding and responsibility, we deepen our relationship with ourself and with the other person.
Nicole this might sound like very basic information to most but I have only just come to truly realise that all relationship problems are 50/50. I didn’t come to realise this by myself, a universal medicine practitioner pointed it out and it literally changed my life. Up until that moment I was not able to see my equal part in my relationship problems. Since accepting that I am equally responsible the relationship has begun to truly change.
“A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict” Such a great statement Nicole can you imagine if the whole world took note of this? I have realised the more I connect with myself the less likely I am to blame anyone. As soon as I am out and feeling not me it is a lot easier for me to blame someone for my bad mood!
It is a commitment to love, it is not an agreement. Great reminders. I also experience that it is very important to become, be and stay aware that every reaction entails a belief – whether it is with myself or my boyfriend. Listening is indeed one of the keys. This includes listening to my own reactions, in my head or in my words. The biggest practice is to stop myself and nominate my reaction in front of my boyfriend. It immediately opens up the conversation to a deeper level, a deeper level of love.
I so love your response RIchard, bringing in a little fun and playfulness, to lighten the sting of what is so true, where you say, we have learned to look at the behaviour of others before – if ever – we look at our own.
Thank you Nicole for sharing your journey through your relationship. Your commitment to choose Love as your foundation is inspiring. This is a beautiful reflection of how building a foundation of Love within yourself first is essential in order to share a truly loving relationship with anyone else.
I know that had a habit of putting a picture on to partners of what I thought a man should be, it was quite subtle but it was definitely there. On paper I was all about equality, but underneath I wanted a consistency and stability in a man that was not within me. I have learnt a lot about myself other the last few years and the most fundamental change began when I started to take responsibility for myself within relationships.
Thank you Nicole. This is such a great learning; about each person’s responsibility for self, not reacting when listening, understanding your hurts, identifying the beliefs and ideals that get in the way between two people from really connecting.
All of this requires an openness , a commitment to being aware and honest and a willingness to discuss and drop what gets in the way of loving, the ultimate goal!
This is a commitment to love and the personal work required for all relationships.
This is inspiring because i can feel and hear from what you have shared that it is possible to have a loving relationship!
‘…..we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.’ It is such an eye opener starting to take responsibility for our own feelings. For me at first, it was like I’d been swimming upstream most of my life and then there would be moments when I would fleetingly take responsibility for a feeling and have a flash of what it felt like to swim with the flow only that flash was so fleeting that I wouldn’t even notice that the struggle of swimming upstream had abated until a while later when it would suddenly occur to me that something had felt different. Eventually, as I have become more and more present with myself, I get to enjoy these moments in the moment and they have begun to stretch and lengthen to the point now where each relationship that presents itself is cause for me to come back to me and take responsibility, a real celebration. Thank you for your timely reflection, Nicole.
Even the photo of the author in this blog says it all, you can feel the respect, love and genuine care and responsibity.
Beautiful sharing Nicole Serafin and so true with this piece of game-changing gold: ‘This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.’ It is such an important step to take ownership of what we feel and not cast the blame on to someone else. Without imposing on each other, we can actually see each other more clearly and appreciate each other. So gorgeous. Thank you Nicole!
Well said Simone Lewis. ”Without imposing on each other, we can actually see each other more clearly and appreciate each other”. I have always wanted to blame another and not wanted to take responsibility for how I was feeling. These days I am letting go of the blaming especially in my relationship with my husband, taking responsibility for how I am feeling and beginning to appreciate him for who he is and what he brings.
I read this for the second time here Nicole and I get so much out of it each time. To be able to openly and honestly talk about everything that comes up without taking it personally or going into reaction is one huge feat. I know that so many different hurts come up each time something raw is discussed, so I honour this commitment you and your partner have made and can feel the level of openness and honesty in your way. It also seems that you both have an amazing depth in your relationship. Absolutely beautiful to read once again.
Beautiful Nicole such a great reflection of responsibility listening and not reacting but connecting to oneself and ones partner is so vital to all relationships. The truth of marriage with this is inspiring, honest and brings the harmony and deep love within us all out to be seen in the world.Thank you for sharing the way.
“We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see”. This is such a classic behaviour in any kind of relationship, expecting another to fulfil us. That is what I call the Prince Charming syndrome : expecting everything from another and not taking responsibility for our part in the relationship.
Thank you Nicole for another beautiful blog.
Maryline I love your description of the ‘Prince Charming effect!’ For me it’s equatable with saying ‘the one’ who’ll fulfill me, make my life magically ok. Love exposing how irresponsible this is of me to want another to make everything better and magic wand away all my past unloving choices that I may still need to see the ramifications of so that I do learn to be loving and responsible.
I know this also Maryline, for me I call it the ‘knight in shining armour’ syndrome. The saviour, someone to come and pander to you, adore you, no issues attached, no boat rocking, pure and absolute comfort – the stuff fairy tales are made of. This is certainly where things were at for me until recently. Now I can see how confining a relationship of this kind is. Its not real, nor is it about true love.
Amazing blog Nicole – I was looking to find the one pearl in it but every paragraph is gold. This is one of those “go to” articles people can go back to over and over.
“This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.”- thank you Nicole- a great reminder
Yes in re-reading this blog, I get to appreciate so deeply that all my relationships are dependant on me being committed to me first and taking responsibility for what I create in life with my choices.
I enjoyed coming back to this blog. The way self-responsibility and being open to saying how one feels is presented in such a light, no-big deal way, feels like fresh air. Such a stark contrast to blaming everyone and everything outside of ourselves and our choices for why a relationship may not be the love we know we want it to be. Thank you Nicole for sharing that being responsible is a much more natural way to be with each other and ourselves.
It is so common to expect someone else to make the first move and hold back our love until it feels safe to express it. It is a protection that keeps us away from the very thing that we actually want.
Inspired by the power of the simplicity you present alongside the commitment to take responsibility – thank you, Nicole.
Nicole what I really get from your blog is how the intimate relationship is a commitment to love and from there you take this into all relationships. The responsibility that we often shy away from actually allows us to be in the great power we each have. The very ideal about having certain people that you love and care about more gets blown away by the simple fact that what you build with one is then taken out for all your relationships. So in effect every relationship is for every other relationship. Yet all of this comes from taking responsibility for ourselves and our choices.
That one simple point of taking responsibility, seeing that it is an unresolved hurt within me, just been triggered by another. Instead of name, blame and shame. Simple. Thanks Nicole.
Agree Mark, the game of naming and blaming is exhausting in relationships and from my experience it only serves to build tension and disharmony. I can feel how important it is that we enter those conversations when there is an issue come up, from that place of self responsibility and love first.
‘Naturally’ is the key word that jumps out at me today. Relationships are such a natural and essential expression for us humans, so it makes sense that we should make it a priority to make them work. The simple formula you offer Nicole is very helpful – choose a deeper connection to self first, make the relationship all about love and nothing but love and the connection to our selves and each other grows deeper and stronger naturally’. The investment of our loving choices comes back to us tenfold.
‘A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.’ In my experience, when we have expectations of others, and of ourselves, we will always be disappointed and then blame the other for what goes wrong. I understand now the importance of acknowledging and appreciating ourselves first and then our partners simply for being for who we are, with no ideals or beliefs about how the relationship ‘should be’. In this way True Love becomes a constant celebration.
I appreciate in my relationship and you mention it here that the way we take responsibility and have learnt to express and communicate with each other has supported a deeper connection and held us through times when many other couples would walk away or call it quits. Our commitment to love is the other major factor that supports us as a couple.
I can really relate to what you have written here, ‘We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see.’ I tried doing this and it didn’t work and always ended up in me being frustrated with my partner and feeling let down. Now I take responsibility for myself and for my development and have let go of expectations and wanting my partner to be a certain way, I have noticed that this is allowing us to develop our relationship lovingly together without the other feeling judged.
Thanks Nicole.
I just got married. And I love what you have said about you both not wanting to settle for anything less than a truly loving relationship. That commitment together to both work on each’s own issues and breaking down what we feel we” need” the other to be is really beautiful and powerful. Thanks.
How right you are Simon. And once we are willing to take the responsibility for what we bring into the space of the relationship, it will be easier and easier to let the other simply be and support him or her in their evolution without any investment for the outcome from our side.
‘let the other simply be and support him or her in their evolution without any investment for the outcome from our side’ – now that is simply divine. Who would not want that?
I agree Stevie, that is simply divine, a spaciousness we offer others (and ourselves) in our lives when we do not impose our own needs, but rather allow them to see and come to things on their own. I’m starting to feel this in my own relationships and it is very beautiful.
Beautiful, Simon. It is inspiring to have a couple starting off their life together with such integrity and commitment.
I agree Janet, marriages such as Nicole’s offer such inspiration for others going forward. After a failed marriage, I am certainly open to the inspiration these relationship offer. Although I understand this is not confined to a marriage as such, but all relationships. So there is much to learn and be inspired by.
“The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.”….yes so well said. And it takes such commitment and dedication to do this but gosh how freeing it is.
Yes Sarah, your response here is so true, it takes such commitment and dedication to do this and how freeing it is. In my first long time relationship, there was no responsibility for myself and what I was choosing within the relationship. I accepted a relationship that was functional, but nowhere near where it could have been, as expression was so held back and coming from an energy of not feeling enough to begin with so expressing in a way that would be acceptable, or not trigger a reaction, and totally dishonouring what a true relationship is all about. I always felt with my expression that it was not really me coming up with what I said, it would feel fake and like it always needed more, but it makes sense if you’re coming from the belief/energy of lack of self worth and saying this is me, there is nowhere else to go but from that thinking.
Thankfully, I now know that that way of being is not mine or anyone’s natural way of being, we are just influenced by what we have chosen to express before when we don’t choose to honour ourselves and express what we are feeling in that very moment.
It is so great to look back and be able to see my part in the demise of that relationship with loving understanding, allowing me to feel the truth of us within all of that.
What a beautiful blog on marriage and how to truly work on a relationship. Thank you so much for sharing your learning. It is so inspiring to hear how a couple can actually work with this learning, putting it into practice. Making the relationship about expressing love sounds amazing. I truly get that. This shows it’s absolutely worth putting the work into the relationship and it is totally evolving for both.
Taking responsibility is the key for me in a relationship, and it is not as easy as saying the words. I especially feel the challenge when I know I am feeling hurt or despondent and am being asked for support, openness and understanding at the same time. Responding to such a situation with honesty, rather than reacting and at least expressing to myself where I am at and what I am feeling, is a big help. I am grateful that I am more consistently with myself to be able to do this, as opposed to in the past, being more buried in issues and not able to feel anything tangible and be in blame or mistrust. This capacity to understand responsibility and begin to grow into it is definitely related to being a student of Universal Medicine.
I loved this blog Nicole. This part in particular stood out for me, “This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step, we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship. Taking responsibility for our own feelings can feel quite challenging at times, but is so worth the effort of going there, as you change the whole direction of a moment from one of squirming and uncomfortable feelings, to just an uncovering of a way of being that doesn’t support your true loving nature”.
Awesome article Nicole, so much to ponder on here, I will definitely be returning to this one. Thank you.
Nicole your comment of making a commitment to yourself first before you can make this with another speaks volumes.
Thank you.
Agreed. When we commit to and love ourselves as an ongoing relationship, all our other relationships have that as their foundation – we can be with others without the unresolved needs we have creating demands or expectations of another. To allow ourselves to fall in love with ourselves opens up a true love affair with life.
Thank you Nicole for the honesty and sharing of what is required to develop all the relationships we have. The commitment to being love and taking responsibility truly starts with the self first and thus as we develop this is shared further afield.
I agree Andrew, well said. It all starts with our relationship with ourselves. This relationship is our first responsibility and all others will follow on from that.
Responsibility : The biggest lesson in life. I’m currently single, and I am working at being responsible for my choices every day, because in the past I absolutely have not and my previous relationship showed that very clearly. Wanting someone to blame for your unhapiness is the oldest trick in the book, and one that doesn’t get you anywhere except assist in the perseverance to finding the perfect picture, outside of yourself. Accept and appreciate, two words that I am learning are super important, not only for me, but for everyone I come into contact with.
Love your honesty here, Elodie, and I agree that we can get very lost searching outside of ourselves for the perfect picture. I for one am eternally thankful that Serge Benhayon pointed me back in the right direction, so I could finally discover the preciousness I was longing for inside.
Beautiful Janet. The relationship we have always longed for lies within and has always been there patiently waiting for us to return. I too am thankful that Serge Benhayon pointed me back in the right direction.
Thank you Nicole for your very wise and inspirational blog
I love rereading what you have expressed
It is a wonderful reminder for what is possible in intimate relationships and the learnings that come from challenging moments/times.
Great article on relationships and very inspiring! thank you.
“Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens: I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end.” Thank yoy for this bautiful line and your blog. It is very supportive in my relationship with my partner (and anyone else) and very applicable.
Nicole, this article is a huge support and came at such a time to be just that for me and my husband . Thank you for your sharing.
I wonder what the divorce rate would be if everyone gave their relationships as much devotion to love and worked at it as you have Nicole, instead of just moving on and going into the next relationship with the same set of old ideals and beliefs.
This is so true Kevin. Devotion to love is key in relationships – instead of that, when a relationship doesn’t seem to “work out”, we tend to escape and move on when our ideals and beliefs are not met. How about questioning our ideals and beliefs instead ?
What an idea Maryline and Kevin.
It wasn’t until I really had to stop and have a good look at myself after many relationships that ” just didn’t work out” to realise that what was always the same was me. What was I holding on to that stopped me from being able to fully love and enjoy being with another person. Why would it always ” Go Wrong”.
The relationship I am i now is different. Its not perfect but it’s very very beautiful and we have such a great understanding that if there is an issue or a problem – its not something to fight about or blame the other person about – its just a chance for us both to deepen our relationship and work through something that’s in the way of us having an even deeper connection.
Simon – Thank you for this simply stated, beautiful ‘pearl of wisdom’ regarding your relationship-
‘Its not perfect but it’s very very beautiful and we have such a great understanding that if there is an issue or a problem – its not something to fight about or blame the other person about – its just a chance for us both to deepen our relationship and work through something that’s in the way of us having an even deeper connection”.
You are a great example of living, without perfection, the amazing blueprint that Serge Benhayon offers in his inspiring presentations – a true way to develop and deepen relationships with oneself, others and life. A new-normal Wow!
No ideals and beliefs, leaves no room for blame or conflict, and to listen and not take things personally or to react to everything that is said. This is beautiful and something we can all work on to take with us into every relationship. Thank you Nicole.
Nicole, I so loved reading this blog. I so loved – “By choosing a deeper connection to self first, and then simply making our relationship about love, and nothing but love, our connection to our selves and each other grew deeper and stronger naturally.” This can be tricky when there is not a willingness by both parties to go to a level of honesty and want to go deeper with their own connection, a situation I have found myself in. But what it has also enabled me to feel and develop more deeply is love and understanding for where someone is at and being accepting of that. To hear that you and your husband have been able to do this is very inspiring.
Thank you for your honest sharing in this blog, Nicole. It has clarity and power because you have really lived this out in your relationship. It is a great confirmation of how it is possible to shift from ‘wanting the other to prove their love first’ to ‘taking responsibility’ for what we each bring to a relationship, and of how, by being open to sharing our feelings and not reacting or taking things personally, we can commit to building relationships based on love.
Every time I read this blog Nicole I feel so much joy! What you have written here is how I feel true relationship are to be lived and seeing that in written words is just amazing.
Me too, Lieke! It is all laid out there in simple words – what a true relationship can feel like and how easy and natural it can be. When we have this foundation, anything that comes up that complicates things or creates a tension really sticks out like a sore thumb, so we can just stop and ask “what just happened?” and see it for what it truly is.
I love what you have shared of your lived experience Nicole. “The way we live and the way our relationships are, simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens”. In each and every relationship we have or are in, that commitment to choose honesty as a foundation allows for, like you say “a deepening that never stops; it has no end”. A contract well worth signing!
I have experienced this in relationships “…a lack of trust we brought to this relationship always left us wanting the other to prove their love first so we could feel secure and safe.” It can feel like a frustrating situation with deep inertia. Since taking responsibility for myself and what I share with the world, my relationships have deeply improved. I am also learning to appreciate myself and others so I no longer require trust outside of myself, I can feel it within. Life changing.
Thanks for sharing Nicole, this article (representing your relationship) is an inspiration!
On reading your blog once again Nicole – the words that stood out for me were “This ability to just listen and not take things personally or to react to everything that is said…” and I recall many times long ago where in relationship of one sort or another, whether it be in the marriage, in an office situation or in the home of a friend or relative these few words, if I had been aware of them, would have saved many moments of choosing to feel less, inadequate or accused. One wonders what beliefs we allow in, almost faster than light it seems, to cause this disharmony we ultimately feel in the body. Thank you Nicole.
Oh I know this : “We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see” not only from my partnership – as well in every relationship , with my boss, staff members, friends and family I would like to find the reason of a problem in them. But only the “willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens” empowers me again.
Exactly, Sandra. It is so empowering and liberating to stop looking to blame the outside world but live your life in touch with how every single one of your choices is making a difference (good or bad!) in the world.
Yes Janet. And I found it very important to see my power as a joy to express – and not as a burden. To take my responsibility in life and relationships in full is letting me (and my relationships) burst into bloom!
You hit hit nail on the head Sandra, with : – ” But only the “willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens” empowers me again.” This is exactly it and this does make a huge difference in anyone’s life, as by taking responsibility, we stop being victim and claim our power back and with that comes true change.
For me it is very healing to read blogs about relationships as there is so much to learn and look at….
“As both of us started to take responsibility for what we were creating, slowly we were able to stop blaming each other for the way things were, and start looking at our own part in what was happening. We began talking honestly and openly with each other about the hurts that certain situations brought up for us and what we were feeling and why.” Thank you for sharing Nicole, this is what I experience in my relationship with my partner too. Honest and open communication is a crucial aspect within all relationships.
Definitely Katie, ‘making a commitment to continuously deepen our love in relationships is true relationship’, and as you say taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love is on going.
“The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.” Yes, responsibility for our self is huge in every aspect.
I loved your analogue Rowena : “it’s like feeding the cockroaches while complaining about the infestation!” So true, we need to not run with the loveless thoughts we have about our partners, friends etc when we get caught up in frustration and irritation. We need to stop it!
I can say that in my relationship, there has been such a huge difference by simply having honest conversations about how we are feeling and what is going on.
I had always held back opening up to the extent I knew I could. But to let that guard down and start to develop a relationship based on equality and honesty has only allowed it to go much deeper than ever before.
I too have been inspired by Serge Benhayon and how he lives. True love and openness for all to see
So true Tony – there are times I have done this – “to stop and remember what it was that first drew us to be in a relationship with our partner” and it always exposes where I have got caught in expectations, ideals or beliefs.
“We were both unhappy, blaming the other for the way things were. Neither of us wanted to take responsibility for the way our relationship was. We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see.” How many relationships are struggling because of expectations and blaming the other person? Just admitting this was a great start for me to start turning it around. I’m constantly seeing more subtle ways that I am avoiding the part I play in situations. I’m quite surprised at how sneaky and stubborn I can be, but as soon as I do accept my part, then it allows things to change.
So true Laura, taking responsibility within my relationship is so revelatory – so often I have been too busy laying fault at the other’s door to see my own stubborn and snide ways. Today I know many of my traits, they’re out in the open, so when they do rear up I can catch them quicker and take responsibility for the choices that led me there.
So true Nicole. Loving relationships always have commitment as their foundation along with both taking responsibility and an understanding that love is and can be forever deepening.
Really taking the differences out of the ‘argument’ and putting the similarities back in – such a loving way to be with each other and with ourselves – loving and deeply compassionate toward all our imperfections. Thanks for sharing your experience with living this way Nicole.
That is such an awesome blog- like a treatment for all relationships in this world. I love everything you are describing because I can relate, feel and know, that this is the key to relationships build on true love. How hard sometimes it is to actually change these behaviours, reading your blog gave me a great support in working on them further.
“A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs”. this is such a profound statement. In recent years, and still discovering, just how much I have and do live making choices and judgments based upon beliefs and ideals of which I am not aware I am living by. Discovering this and choosing to free myself from them is transformational and is reflected in all aspects of my life and in particular in my relationships including with myself.
Nicole your line, ‘If there were no beliefs and ideals, then there would be no room for blame and conflict,’ really stood out for me. When I reflect on any time I get annoyed with something or someone it’s actually because I’ve got a picture of how I think things should be.
This is such an arrogant way to live! Not to mention stressful and unloving. I’m right and the world is wrong.
Letting go of my ideals and beliefs and just being love is just refreshingly simple. Thank you Nicole.
I agree, Karin. Any conditions we place on the world and our relationships prevent us from feeling the freedom of simply living each day with all the love that we are, and sharing that with everyone.
Great blog Nicole. The message coming through here is one of responsibility. I love how you and your husband are taking responsibility for all of you choices which takes away the need for blaming. And as you say, taking responsibility builds a deeper level of love which never stops and with that we are more equipped to deal with any situation that comes up.
This line here Nicole, ‘we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship,’ would have been the difference between my first long term relationship growing in love and what it ended up as. Each of us going our separate ways, none the wiser from the experience. A real shame and a huge missed potential of perhaps a truly loving relationship.
There are so many cliches out there that I have fallen for time and time again: that marriage and relationships are a struggle; that the magic dies out after a while; that companionship is the best we can expect long term etc. etc. This article is just one of many myth breaking examples that, if we cherish and take responsibility for ourselves and our relationships, the opportunity to truly be with another is so simple. Thank you.
I agree Matilda that we accept so many things about marriage and long term relationships as normal, like conflict and inertia. But as this blog shows it is not necessarily inevitable to have constant conflict and no growth in a relationship and that relationships can be living things that can be constantly developed and deepened and can in fact even have true love in them, not just companionship.
‘To listen without going into reaction.’ This is certainly something for me to feel. Thank you for showing us practical ways to nourish a loving relationship.
Just what I needed to be reminded Nicole. Taking responsibility for your life and actions and truly listening and not reacting are the tools that I learned from Universal Medicine presentations and practitioners that supported the loving relationships that I have now, which are forever deepening. When there is no reaction or judgement, then there is space to actually feel what is there to be felt and express that truly with calmness and clarity thus allowing your expression to be heard. I know when I or someone else is speaking in reaction, in that moment it’s hard to feel what’s really underlying, but if we choose to feel when we feel reactive and not act/voice it but take a breath and wait to express, the whole expression is different and you can express the same thing and it may even be received by another bringing deeper understanding for all involved. Thanks you for your beautiful sharing.
I agree Pinky with your account of reaction and expression – this is a very ingrained behaviour of mine that I am working on. I love that I am learning to take responsibility for my part in relationships and not always being in reaction to what others say or do and blaming them for it. A very inspiring blog Nicole to be open and honest with my part in all relationships, thank you.
It is a very supportive article about relationships showing there is a simple way in building a very loving relationship between two people. Often relationships are fraught with conflict, issues, blame and so on which over time one loses that sense of love. Commitment to self is a great start where one is willing to take responsibility for our part and from there we can be open to the other rather than taking a position of being right and it’s up to the other to make the change….
I appreciate the realness of this blog – arguments do happen in relationships and simply wishing they would go away is no way to handle them. What is shared here is lived experience that responsibility and commitment first to oneself are awesome tools for building the loving relationships we all deserve. Thanks Nicole.
This is beautiful Nicole thank you so much for sharing your deep level of commitment and responsibility with yourself and your relationships and marriage to a deeper ever evolving love and for sharing this. It is really inspirational for everyone in the world to feel and appreciate. The love and responsibility this brings can be felt by all you share and calls out the lack of this with so many and explains the hurts and disharmony of many relationships and supports a real way forward.
‘A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs.’ What an amazing foundation from which love can grow
The biggest line in this blog post for me is ‘listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.’ I can absolutely feel how this would in itself be a game changer. I am working on this every day, and it’s amazing how quickly I can go into reaction. Some days I amaze myself with no reaction at all, but like you say, it really is a work in progress and like anything, the more I practice this the easier everything around me becomes.
Agreed Elodie – it seems that the concept of listening instead of reacting would be quite foreign if you take a snapshot of society’s current relationships/friendships
This is a great sharing, thankyou Nicole. Reading your words I am able to feel how Love is so enormous and all encompassing that when connected to there is simply no room for one ideal or belief to take root, as they are no match for the completeness that love is. By taking responsibility and listening without reacting, we are able to unleash more of this vast well of love within us. Beautiful.
Thanks for your sharing Nicole. Having been in a marriage that was not based on love, it is inspiring to see what you have brought to your marriage. The tools presented by Universal Medicine certainly do allow us the opportunity to develop and deepen all our relationships.
Thank you for your great blog Nicole. It is like super ‘guide to’ or ‘recipe for’ the work needed for a true relationship, whether it be a marriage or a friendship. Not taking things personally is the greatest step forward in being able to understand and re-unite at an even deeper level. Very beautiful!
A beautiful and super supportive sharing here Nicole. Bringing truth and honesty to the fore in relationships and committing to making all choices about love is, as you share a real game changer. Thank you for inspiring us to go a bit deeper.
At the beginning of what you share you have both expressed and exposed how we take on ideals and beliefs that are not truly ours; and are not who we truly are at all, but can end up living in such a way that those very ideals and beliefs actually start to own us! This is a huge subject for us to be aware of. Alongside this though you have shown that with this insight it is possible to call this out and walk back to who you really are. To also do this in a relationship is very inspiring, it shows how you truly support each other to evolve in life and not stay stagnant in doing the same things and having the same thoughts (ideals and beliefs) but instead come back to the love you know you are.
As a starter ‘learning to listen without reacting’ is the most important first step that we have taken in our relationship. Without that at a basic level, I don’t believe there is any way out of the quagmire, as the relationship is just one reaction after another, always blaming, always judging the other from one’s own mistaken ideals and beliefs.
Beautiful Nicole, what a transformation to bring into the world of marriage and relationships. How many of us embark on a relationship with preconceived ideas of how they should be and who does what. What a revelation to begin to examine these beliefs and the conflict they create and take responsibility for them. To bring the focus and attention of the relationship to being all about Love seems so logical, after all that is why we get together isn’t it? But so often we believe that love has to be delivered in certain packages rather than seeing that love is about responsibility, respect, intimacy, honesty and equality. Gorgeous article and thank you for showing us that an unhappy marriage can truly evolve into a real, loving and harmonious relationship that benefits so many people.
This blog is full of wisdom and the joy that comes from being in a relationship that is based on love, on deepening and forever evolving as both in the relationship are committed to basing their relationship on love and truth, and on taking responsibility for their choices. This is an inspirational read for anyone who wants to turn their relationship around. Thank you Nicole.
Your beautifully expressed article is a true gift to humanity and could very well be a blueprint for couples everywhere. Congratulations on taking responsibility and taking your relationship to new places that are only about love. Thank-you Nicole.
So much wisdom in what Nicole and others have shared on relationships. It would be a real game changer if children were routinely raised in such a responsible, love filled environment and then entered their own adult relationships from just that basis.
What I’m really discovering within my relationship is how well we chose one another!…not in the sense of we have so much in common ‘isn’t that lovely’ kind of way but as you shared with yourselves, how different our childhood upbringing was. This has meant there is a huge opportunity to learn from each other, it’s these differences that are bringing us a wider understanding of ourselves as well as our relationship together. This has been a huge help in becoming more responsible within our relationship and not reacting and letting things escalate.
What you have shared Nicole is a little miracle for how many people actually manage to come from a relationship of conflict, opposites and protection to a truly loving open and harmonious relationship?
This is so true Carolien, ‘What you have shared Nicole is a little miracle for how many people actually manage to come from a relationship of conflict, opposites and protection to a truly loving open and harmonious relationship?’ From what i have observed, there is often a lot of blaming the other person in a relationship and rarely do I hear of stories such as Nicole’s where the issues of each person are worked through and the relationship changes and becomes harmonious, very beautiful.
I agree Carolien – proof that loves wins if we choose it.
Responsibility is the key and I find that the more responsibility I can take for how I am, the more space is created in the relationship for love and true conversation.
A good marriage must be created. The small things are the big things. Always tell your partner how much you love them on a daily basis.
Share your values and objectives with each other. Appreciate each other in thoughtful ways.
Forgive and forget, and grow together.
You are never to old to hold hands.
Never go to sleep angry, and kiss each other goodnight.
Do this and you will know you have married the right person to share your life with.
I can so relate here Nicole – a big one for me is not to take things personal anymore, a real game changer. Thank you for this great article.
Thank you, Nicole, for sharing your love story. I agree with everything you wrote. And even though I currently don’t have a partner I can see how my relationships with others can benefit by me being loving, listening without reaction and not taking it personal as well as taking full responsibility for my part in the relationship and commitment to evolve. Working on it.
I agree Elena. I too do not have a partner but this blog is relevant to all my relationships with others. I am very blessed to have close friends and family members who are also committed, like I am, to deal with reactions, not taking things personally and for taking full responsibility for each of our parts in the relationship. I have learned that when I react It always comes back to me and I need to look at what my triggers were. This has taken dedication and I am still learning. Its a whole new way of being in relationships and very freeing to not dump on someone else, which can be easily done.
And how liberating does this feel when we have reached this point, to not take things personally, and to own our own reactions and look behind it. I find life is so much easier when I can live more and more this way.
I agree, and can see that conflict in a relationship is an externalisation of a conflict or struggle that we have within ourselves, usually stopping our selves from accepting and letting love in.
Yes, I agree Marianna – from my own experience I have understood that whenever I am feeling any conflict in any relationship, there is no point blaming the other or the circumstances, the work is to be done within me, it is only being exposed and reflected right back at me from the external with its basis in me wanting things a certain way and thus not letting love flow in its most natural way.
I love the part ‘wanting the other to prove their love first so we could feel safe’, i have found this is such a great thing to recognise and surrender too. There’s nothing more joy filling than dropping the protection, opening up and letting the love out. In my experience it tends to melt the other person and they drop there protection too! So awesome you have shared this, thank you Nicole.
That’s lovely, so in other words .. always be the first to love : )
Great summarisation – that’s the essence of it. Well said Vicky.
This is another exceptional blog from you Nicole because it is obvious that it comes from yours and your partner’s very real lived experience.
what a great article Nicole…What a great foundation for all relationships.
Amazing Nicole. It’s quite incredible that you and your partner have established a relationship where you are both completely open to expressing how you feel, and any ideals you have still held onto in regards to how a good mother/husband/wife ‘should be’, and are also open to together changing those perceptions and building your own foundation of love.
It is always inspiring to return to this blog – so many little gems of wisdom shared. Keeping the doors of communication open – expressing and listening to each other without judgement or going into reaction is one that I recognise in my long term relationship. As mentioned before ‘ideals and beliefs’ have no place in a ‘truly loving relationship’. Thank you Nicole.
Thank you Nicole – I just love the truth in this -‘A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.’
It says a lot about the conditions we adopt to get what we want – when actually what we really want deep down is the same thing – love.
I agree Brooke, I can feel the importance of what Nicole has shared here, “I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end” This is a great reminder for me as I can often let things continue in comfort with relationships and not commit to building a deeper level of love and evolving the relationship.
Another point you brilliantly raise here Nicole is that we assume that in our relationships the other person is the one hurting us or doing us wrong but actually they are simply triggering our old hurts that we have not dealt with previously and have brought with us into the relationship which colours our view of what a relationship should look like. It is these hurts as you say that then form the basis of these ideals that we hold and try to impose on the other person.
Yes Andrew – It is great to bring attention to our unhealed hurts being the basis of all our reactions to others and the expectations on how things ‘should be’ in our perfect and idealised pictures in life. Understanding this, we can commit to living with true responsibility, heal the past hurts and bring love into all our relationships.
Nicole you have written such an insightful and important blog here about relationships. From what I have observed it is all too often convenient and easy to blame the other person for the hurts we carry and rather than deal with these hurts and stop them influencing the relationship, we expect the other person to take them all away and do the work for us, as well as completely deal with their own hurts at the same time! No wonder they feel the pressure and tension of this!
Reading this made me realize how crazy conflict is – and it’s actually so silly to hold expectations on how our partner or anyone needs to be. It’s actually a way to set ourselves up to have a miserable life. We are the only ones responsible for the quality of our relationships, not the other person! Thanks for an insightful blog Nicole!
So many gems of gold in this, thank you Nicole “Conflict in relationships and marriage is not something that just happens: I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end.” To often once in a relationship it is easy to become lazy and complacent forgetting the true magic you can bring together. Thank you for reminding us all that this deepening, this love never truly ends.
I so agree with the many amazing comments that the greatest love we can have is for ourselves first. That is our committment to our self, then we can share this love simply with others in our lives.
What you have written here about relationships Nicole is supportive for all relationships whether it is with our partners husbands or wives, or our friends and family or people we work with. Knowing that we have a part to play in any conflict is a huge step that many are not willing to see let alone take action on and yet it can completely change the relationships we have because we are no longer able to blame the other person for the situation we find ourselves in.
Thank you Nicole, it is clearer to me now that a relationship is a commitment to looking at whatever is not working and purging it out. That leaves only glorious joy-full love.
Nicole I love this blog as it reminds me so often about all aspects of life in general. If we don’t take responsibility and play our part, we stay trapped in the hurts and there is no room to grow in any relationships in our lives.
Being able to listen without jumping in and just hear the other person out is such a huge thing to be able to do. I found that was a major turning point in my relationships. Then being able to truly listen to the person without getting my argument ready to respond and defend myself was the next thing for me. There are many layers to truly listening. I know how accepted and respected I feel when someone listens to me, regardless of whether they agree with me or not.
Yes, I agree Debra – truly listening without jumping in ‘with both feet’ from a pre-conceived answer before the person has even finished speaking is not true listening. The protective layers we hold over ourselves leave us ready to defend at all cost, even when there may be nothing to actually defend! It is simply beautiful when we are truly listened to.
“There are many layers to truly listening. I know how accepted and respected I feel when someone listens to me, regardless of whether they agree with me or not”.
Nicole, your blog has inspired in me a commitment to bring about a more ‘real’ way of communicating and relating with my work colleagues. As I feel the possibility of this in my body there is a grace and an internal ‘yes’ to being and offering more of who I am. It’s like my soul is smiling.
Yes, the tools presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have been transformational for myself and my wife. One of the biggest is learning to listen to the other and to not take it personally or to react. By doing so, along with the other tools, has brought us so much closer and our love so much deeper.
Johathan, I am with you on that; ‘ One of the biggest is learning to listen to the other and to not take it personally or to react’. In the past I always took things personally which meant I always went into reaction and the drama. Now, that I have let this go, (through developing and deepening the relationship with myself) all my relationships have transformed.
The expression of love in a relationship can be, and often is a little bumpy, well, sometimes a bit more than bumpy. In my experience, when I see that love creates these bumps and I may avoid the bumps, but it’s a sure way to a relationship that’s functional, with the erosion of intimacy. So many relationships end in divorce, with a battle to the very end with costly lawyers and a squabble over who has the garden statue, then some. I understand for some this is necessary path, but I am finding that a simple choice to be responsible and commit to love and truth and therefore evolution is well worth choosing, no matter what bumps present.
Well said Matthew, to commit to love and truth it is – when both are willing to go for a truly loving relationship.
So beautiful to read what you have shared here Nicole – my experience with relationships in the past have never looked like this, and I see so very few relationships around me that are based on the true love and commitment you express here. I can feel that what you have said here can also be related to our relationships with friends and family as well, to let go the expectations and to start being more honest and accepting of each other. Very inspiring, thank you 🙂
Dear Nicole thank you for this simple approach to relationships. Taking responsibility and listening without reaction, I can relate to, they are great tools to get rid of the ideals and beliefs that stand in the way of a loving relationship.
An equal part for each to play without the masks on
Simply and well stated Jaime. No masks, no games = a responsible way of living in equal-ness with all others.
Thanks Nicole for this much needed blog. I love how you have called out ideals and beliefs and them having no place in a truly loving relationship. most of all I like what you have shared here – “I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end”
Nicole, it is inspiring to feel how your relationship has shifted over the years by simply choosing to make a commitment to love both individually and together as a couple. It is certainly felt within you both.
Taking responsiblity for everything we have created in our life ( so all our past choices) is most definitely life changing. It was the one thing that helped me escape my hamster wheel existence, and from that space I have continued to make consistent loving choices that continually evolve me. As I have evolved, (that is continued to work on myself) all my relationships have evolved with the reference point being; developing and deepening the relationship with myself.
Taking responsiblity for everything we have created in our life ( so all our past choices) is most definitely life changing. It was the one thing that helped me escape my hamster wheel existence, and from that space I have continued to make consistent loving choices that continually evolve me. With regards to relationships, they have all significantly improved.
That constant refinement and commitment to yourself is what brings the love in you back into the relationship.
This blog has come at the right time. There has been disharmony between my ex-husband and myself and this has continued even after we have separated. It has reminded me that truly listening and being present is the 1st steps to changing the way we are with each other. We have both read this blog and have committed to listening to each other as a start to bringing harmony to this relationship. I know this sounds like a simple thing but for us it is huge. This blog is very powerful with showing how a true relationship can be with everyone. Amazing blog Nicole.
Anne this is so inspiring – the willingness of you both to work on this together after you have separated is beautiful –
“We have both read this blog and have committed to listening to each other as a start to bringing harmony to this relationship”.
Beautiful Nicole. It’s easy to get stuck in the patterns of relationships when both people are waiting for the other person to change- it doesn’t go anywhere. I like how you shared that you both have started to look at the ideals and beliefs you both hold and how you yourself are within the relationship. This is golden, reactions in relationships are a killer.
The waiting for someone else to change in a relationship that holds so many of us in such lack of responsibility and chosen victimhood – it is important to feel the futility and trap of this. The moment we are prepared to really look at the part we play, to really embrace the power of ‘sorry’ and to take responsibility for our choices is when life truly begins!
Beautifully expressed Matilda. I can feel how in the past, blaming the other person for things going wrong in my relationships was the perfect way to avoid taking responsibility myself and thus, nothing changed. Seeing that old pattern for what it was and choosing to take responsibility for my choices and to express more fully has been an ongoing challenge – and what is beautiful about it is that when we do this, we can begin to feel that love is indeed forever deepening.
Spot on Matilda, thank you !
So much trust is developed by just taking responsibility for ourselves and I love the level of commitment shared here by Nicole. I had no idea how hard it would be to just stay me in a marriage as I too, fell for all the programmes in my mind about how things should’ve been based on ideals and beliefs I had taken on over the years. It hasn’t been much fun sorting through the conflicts either, yet I can feel here that once both parties step up and simply accept this responsibility to themselves, a true marriage can gloriously begin.
I love the honesty in your comment Peter. To admit that it is hard and that it hasn’t been fun sorting through the conflicts. Relationships are not simply a bed of roses as we would like them to be. The amount of work required, the commitment to ourselves and our partner and facing the issues that are there to be cleared takes love, patience and a great deal of dedication.
This is true Peta and Rebecca – bringing relationships to a deeper level of love and commitment does require hard work and a willingness to let go of the well ingrained ideals and beliefs that colour of way of seeing things that may be entirely different from another. Roses are beautiful and can have very prickly thorns – a reminder perhaps, that we can never be complacent in living in our chosen ‘bed of roses’
Powerful stand for true relationship!
The strength of your commitment is very inspiring to deepen my commitment to me and my marriage.
I also started to bring such clarity, love, commitment and dedication… to my relationships from being inspired by Serge Benhayon, his livingness and Universal Medicine presentations. These presentations are a game changer for relationships and is about truly connecting.
Your blog has completely blown me away Nicole – moved to tears. The depth of love and responsibility and the work come through loud and clear. An inspiration for all of us.
“A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.”
Literally ‘imagine a world’…
What could our relationships in life be like if they were truly based on a deepening ‘which never stops; [which] has no end’? – which is what you say is a basis of a true relationship, Nicole. The amazingness of such a relationship would be impossible to quantify, as it would just keep on getting more and more amazing!
As you described your early relationship with the ideals, beliefs and blame, it sounded like a recipe for divorce. But with bringing listening and understanding and commitment to yourselves first,as inspired by Universal Medicine it sounds like you have an award winning recipe for a successful and loving marriage.
Beautifully put Michelle. A recipe for divorce or a recipe for a loving marriage. There is always the choice.
Wow Michelle that is so true that Nicoles early way of the relationship was a recipe for divorce. So the divorce lawyer would not like it if we all bringing listening and understanding in our relationships.
Taking responsibility and making it all about love is such a game changer in any relationship. And it only takes one person to make this choice, to make the commitment to honour themselves first which then allows them to truly honour another. Thank you Nicole.
Beautiful sharing Nicole. I too have found that by having each person taking responsibility for their part and not reacting is key to building a truly loving relationship.
Yes Donna, I agree with you – not reacting is key and brings an end to taking things personally.
This is beautiful Nicole – such a great sharing that a true relationship is about taking responsibility for our choices and reactions and dealing with them rather than blaming another and expecting them to change. Not always easy to do but well worth the effort. Thank you.
I love this line:
“Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.”
What a game-changer – wouldn’t it be a very different world … at home, at work, in schools, in governments, between nations … sounds like the key for harmony everywhere.
Wow and wow, what amazing and beautiful comments.
I have not been able to respond to everyone individually as yet but wanted to share with you how awesome the conversation is here that we have started.
I know for me it has not always been easy in my relationship, and at times I wondered why I was still here, and of course it was always easier to blame the other person rather than take responsibility, or so I thought. But I always knew deep down there had to be more, and it was and is the more that keeps me hanging in there so to speak.
Yes, we need to take this to schools, most definitely to show others another way of being, and this can so easily be done by those of us that attend schools and that have children attending schools, simply by us living what we are sharing people can not only see but feel that our relationship with ourselves and others is different.
Simple, but profound, taking responsibility, stopping to listen to others, without blame or taking things personally, basing life and all we are and do on love.
Thank you everyone for you sharings, absolute awesome.
And thank you Nicole, for initiating all these sharings. It’s wonderful to feel how people are inspired to look even deeper, and always to remember – do not take anything personal. Key word that is, I feel,
I love your honesty and appreciation Nicole. Blaming others has a highly detrimental effect on our body and well being over time, locking us into comparison and jealousy and living constantly being less. Yes, I agree, we do know deep down there is more to bring to relationships and it requires the step of being responsible for ourselves rather than blaming another.
“Simple, but profound, taking responsibility, stopping to listen to others, without blame or taking things personally, basing life and all we are and all that we do on love.
A blog written wih clarity. Specifically the huge impact of ideals and beliefs within relationships. There are sooo many, this blog made me realise that actually many relationships seem to be unconsciously founded on brliefs and ideals. Sadly so, often conflicting ones. How important it is to realize that and start talking about them. As you said truly listening to each other, to go beyond the beliefs and meet each other there in love and address the hurts. Thanks for sharing!
I love your blog Nicole and especially how we, no matter how different we are, where we come from and what we have lived with others so far, can always choose a new way of being with each other, if we are willing to build relationships based on love and to put the work, honesty and dedication into it.
A great sharing Nicole, thank you. I have been able to feel how important it is to nominate the beliefs I have carried and to be aware of not ‘putting any of my own stuff’ onto my partner, the more I am aware of my responsibility in this the more I see how it allows us to both just be ourselves – which is so naturally loving.
Yes Cherise I agree the more I have taken responsibility in my relelationship with my partner the more it confirms what is true between us. When I react or take it personally it confirms all that is not true and can be detrimental. My choice and to choose not to react is proving so much more delightful!
Yes, nominating beliefs and taking responsibility makes life so much more loving, as the stress of defending, arguing etc all falls by the wayside, making room for love to flow much more easily.
I agree with you Doug – many many years ago, at least 25 now – I heard the sentence – “For things to change first I must change.” I have never forgotten it, and although at times it was a challenge, when embodied the change around me would come too.
“Recognising our own ideals and beliefs around how a relationship should look, and becoming more aware of how these affected the other” and “the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens” are really the essential foundation in a relationship. Thank you Nicole for writing this.
I can relate to everything you say here, Nicole. The most freeing step in my partnership was to not take things personal anymore, even if my partner was in reaction and threw all the arrows. That stops the game of emotional ping-pong and opens the space for honest communication.
And that step I could only take because of the base of self-love that I could build in myself thanks to Serge Benhayon and the Universal Medicine practitioners.
How beautiful Nicole. I feel what you have written here is a great foundation for many to learn from. My own path has been very similar and everyday to the best of my abilities, I look a little deeper into my issues and how they affect me and all of my relationships.
I had always blamed the other person in relationships for not loving me enough. As soon as I began looking at my part to play in relationships, (which makes sense especially because I was the one common factor in them), I was able to start seeing changes and I stopped leaving myself at the mercy of another person. It was definitely uncomfortable at first, but I would much prefer to actually choose to have a loving relationship rather than hope and wait for it to magically appear.
I agree Laura. It is great to take command of our own lives and experiences and not be at the mercy of someone else.
So true Laura, so easy to blame another for not loving us enough. We are conditioned from such a young age to expect things from love, for love from another to ‘complete’ us. This can lead us on such a destructive path, blaming others when they don’t give us what we believe they should. The greatest love of all – is the love we give ourselves and then the joy is sharing that love with another. Thanks again Nicole for such a great sharing.
Such a hugely inspiring sharing Nicole. Thank you. Your honesty offers amazing support and demonstrates how a commitment to open communication allows us to really connect and heal in our relationships. I know in past relationships I have let things slide, let hurts go unhealed which always festered and predictably this lack of honesty and willingness to deal with issues as they arose was the downfall of relationships that had a lot of potential. I remember feeling at the time that we wanted to sort our issues out but simply did not have the tools to do so. The tools presented by Serge Benhayon on relationships of all kinds are an invaluable support for building a foundation of love in relationships. Learning to let go of expectation and learning how to listen and not take what is being shared so personally all the time, and choosing to take responsibility for my own feelings is an amazing learning and growth for me. These simple tools are a gift for humanity.
This is lovely Anne-Marie, ‘learning to let go of expectation and learning how to listen and to not take what is being shared personally all the time,’ this is so important, I used to react and still do sometimes at the slightest hint of something being said to me that felt critical, what I’m feeling though is that by people expressing honestly to me and not holding back there can be great learning here and the chance to evolve for my myself and our relationship.
So true Rebecca and by expressing honestly to each other we are supporting each other’s evolution. I am learning to gracefully accept this input in my life. The more I recognise that I am not my behaviours of ideals or beliefs and appreciate when some one can truly see who I am and expose the part that is hindering me from living all of me.
Such wise words Nicole, thank you for your expression
“Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer”
A very timely reminder that a relationship is not an agreement but a commitment to love as Joel and others have highlighted.
“It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.” I love this blog and the depth it offers and all this amazing comments. Nicole you initiated an open dialogue about claiming true love in our relationships and every time I react now I will just come back to your blog and remind me of our foundation – LOVE!!!
Sounds good to me Nicole. Thank you for the recipe of living a truly joyful relationship with self first and others equally so. For me, I feel this is a vital key and one that I am working more with. If I am committed to me and my self-loving choices first, there is no room for blame, dishonesty or taking things personally as I have a solid foundation of love to live from.
Thank you Nicole for sharing how your relationship has deepened through your commitment to love. To understand that we can affect the depth and quality of connection by the ideals, beliefs, hurts and resentments we bring to our relationships is the key. You have shown also that harmony in relationships comes from looking at our own choices and accepting responsibility for owning our reactions.
With the tender support of my husband and the gentle, wise guidance of Universal Medicine practitioners I have been able to let go of what seemed like insurmountable hurts. I am able to now bring more of myself to all of my relationships and offer the same grace and support by listening, allowing and expressing … At a much deeper level than I would have ever thought possible.
Awesome Nicole, I love how you describe relationships as a unity between people, and that when we take responsibility there doesn’t need to be arguments or tension in a relationship, but instead an easy contented connection, one that is continuously being developed and deepened.
This is a great article Nicole. I was feeling everything in this article when I was having a conversation with my beautiful housemate last night. If I had allowed myself to take things ‘personally’ instead of listening to what was being expressed then things could have easily deteriorated – and they certainly have done in previous similar discussions I have had. It has been through my learning too – as a direct result of presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I have been able to observe and take greater responsibility for me in interactions. This I know has resulted in less conflict, and an allowing of deepening of love in all relationships. How awesome is that?
Thanks for your blog, it reminds me of the one I recently wrote about woman in relationships – the pictures of how a woman should be.
I love how you take it back to being responsible for your own part and not blaming the other… and also listening… If we don’t take the time to stop and listen then how can we learn or have understanding.
It seems ridiculous to me, looking back, how I ever thought that a relationship of true love could ever take place without first truly loving myself. Speaking now from a position of substantially greater self-love in my life, I now see how and why self-love is so important, and how it is impossible to truly love another without this foundation in my life.
I also find it interesting that we understand making choices for self as selfish. For through developing and understanding the importance of making self loving choices we pave the way for love for everyone around us too.
Well said Conor and Jenny…without self-love the love we are in essence cannot be known and we cannot truly love another. Self-love comes first and then Love for all.
Thank you Nicole, ideals and beliefs and lack of self love has a hug part to play in the break down of our relationships.
I am starting to learn a lot of what you shared with us in this lovely blog, as is my partner. We are choosing true love and evolution over all else, I also love what you shared about listening without reacting; this is another area that I am currently working on and making a lot of headway in, also finding it very useful to stop the communication and it developing into an argument, that little bit of time to stop and reflect gives me a clearer prospective.
I have enjoyed reading about the ways we can take responsibility in relationships, that we can and it is possible to put our personal issues aside and make the moment be about love for ourselves and for each other.
A relationship….”is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.” — I love this…it needs to be taught in schools, books written and movies made on this, so that we show kids what true love is actually about.
Joel I love this too “relationship is about commitment to love, this love is what creates a true foundation to all relationships”. It should definitely be taught in schools as a basic understanding of what true relationships is built on.
I loved your sharing on how your own intimate relationship with commitment with your husband has been for you. It provides another step on the journey for people interested in doing away with the ‘I shoulds’ in their relationships and actually how simple it is if you consider it’s only a choice away.
Your sharing here Nicole, is so awesome, and I like what you share here Frank about, “listening without reacting”, which as you say, can be tricky especially if you aren’t with yourself and so can let unwanted negative energy in, which then can blow everything out of proportion. Learning to breathe your own breath often is a great tool to practice.
Awesome blog Nicole and I applaud you for hanging in there and taking another approach. One of true responsibility and love.
Thank You for showing that there is a way to turn around a relationship, and sharing your experiences of what worked.
When I was reading your blog Nicole I was really feeling that what you have written should be taught in health classes across all schools. I am in high school and I see so many relationships starting and finishing in a couple of months, weeks or even in a day. So it was very beautiful to read your blog, especially the part on what a commitment to another can be, and know that what I see in school, magazines, TV shows, movies and music videos is not it.
This is great to read Nicole, ‘Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer’, I feel that this would be really supportive in my relationship too, very inspiring, thank you.
Nicole I always love reading your blogs, they are so real and practical, I have taken a lot from this and the thing that I feel is most important, is the willingness to change your own way of being in relationship and not look for all the faults or how someone is not meeting your needs – says it all : ). But to fill yourself up and share that wholeheartedly, with no reservations or waiting for the other to prove to you that its safe to be love, just build it within and trust that.
Nicole, great that you and your husband explored a deeper level of responsibility and commitment to love and did not become a statistic. Also absolutely loved your intro on yourself.
There is so much shared with us from this beautiful blog. As I return to it again I realise now – being in a long term relationship (40 years) it is important not to take each other for granted. When my husband had a serious illness and was away from home for a few weeks in hospital – I had a lot of time to really feel what we truly ‘shared’ together. How we then spoke of speaking ‘our truth of really expressing what we feel’ no holding back. Re-visiting old habits which no longer served us.
Prior to this I had been attending presentations by Serge Benhayon/Universal Medicine for about a year – for that I will always feel truly blessed. This inspired me to start a loving relationship with myself first – from this point it just grows and can be shared with all. Thank you Nicole.
I can relate to this Marion – having had a year of my husband in out of hospital brought a great opportunity to re-commit deeper and appreciate our 33 years together. I agree – Attending presentations by Serge Benhayon continue to inspire me to have more love and value for myself and deeper relationships with all.
Great work on relationship, not an ideal, but a real life experience. I love it when you say: “we truly wanted a love-filled relationship and we were not going to give up on having that”. And that is what matters, your commitment allows you to find a way to communicate, to deepen, to grow new ways.
Awesome Reading Nicole! I can apply this, although I’m not in a relationship with someone, I have relationships with my parents, sister, friends, teachers and fellow students at Uni. It’s true when you make love the foundation of every relationship, everything changes. Thanks for this beautiful blog.
Stopping the blame game and taking responsibility for ourselves is certainly a new way forward in any relationship. Thank you Nicole.
Nicole the way you write is so lovely, I really enjoy reading your blogs. I get a feeling that the level of honesty that you have with your partner is really incredible. I sense that you both have a really awesome commitment to truth and to that ‘never ending development’ with one another and the never ending deepening of love that your sharing together. Really beautiful.
Thank you Nicole for sharing this experience about relationships. It is very inspiring and also it keeps coming back to deepening the relationship with yourself and bring this to the relationship with others. And yes, really listen to each other, free from reactions, assumptions or taking things personally is defenitely a game changer in every relationship that you can have.
Thank you Nicole
I just loved reading about the unfolding of your relationship simply by starting to talk about your ideals and beliefs. All too often we can keep them to ourselves in any relationship and we get hurt when those aren’t met. But you guys putting everything out on the table and bringing honesty and love to the forefront shows the massive shift this makes. Wow
It was some time ago that I had the realisation that I was waiting for the other person in my relationship to prove their love for me before I was willing to show them mine. The dynamic this created was pretty horrible, and ended up being a big reason why I would slowly withdraw from relationships and they would end. That pressure of expectation that I was putting on my partners of having to prove themselves to me constantly, and the impossibility for them to actually meet it was almost like a built-in self destruct button.
Expressing love truly does not come with an expectation that it will come back to you. Love is expressed for its own sake and is self-perpetuating. If it is not that, then it is not love, it is something else.
This is a beautiful blog, Nicole. An awesome demonstration of the power of true relationships and all that they can be.
Well said Naren – waiting for the other person to prove their love first is an ugly trap so many have fallen into (including myself) in idealising love and our bringing our neediness to relationships.
Having more respect, love, tenderness and nurturing for myself has supported me to let go of this old way and bring these qualities to my relationships without the expectations and investments of having to get anything back. There is no doubt Love feeds Love and the inner blossoming of this changes the quality of all relationships with no demands or protective barriers sabotaging them.
Thank you Nicole for sharing so honestly how your relationship has been transformed by the fact that you are both so willing to take responsibility for your part and your ongoing commitment to listening without reacting which I feel is key to success in any relationship. If parenting started from this premise then children would grow up and take this understanding into all their relationships and the divorce rate (for one) would plummet.
This is where the commitment to ‘self’ and working through what hurts and letting it go really supports the relationships we have with other people. “A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.” This relates to all relationships in life.
And what an awesome journey to work towards that more and more – life will be so harmonious.
As you say Samantha, “it is so important to have commitment to self and to heal our hurts, and let go of our ideals and beliefs”.
Absolutely this commitment for self and the others relates for every relationship; neighbours, friends, family, work colleagues and more.
Nicole as you’ve shared so beautifully many of us come to relationships with different ideals, beliefs of how the picture should look. Yet how refreshing to be open and honest about whats going on, to make loving choices for yourselves and then together. It strikes me that when we look at children who play together when young – they don’t have these ideals, these pictures of how to be. They simply enjoy and are loving naturally. In effect its societies overriding beliefs (which we contributed to) that then get in the way of our individual relationships. To me this shows that everything affects everything else – and makes me ask the question – what else am I doing that has a wider impact on society than I may realise?
There is so much in this article that is a game changer. This is the foundation that all relationships should be based on Truth and equality without holding back on the expression. Love it Nicole.
I agree Kevin. This article is a complete game changer. It turns everything we have believed to be the way to have relationships completely on its head. The other person is not responsible for us. It is us who need to be 100% responsible for ourselves and for being willing to expose and share everything. Then we have the possibility of being in true relationship.
Beautifully expressed Nicole and so very inspiring to read that taking responsibility has supported your relationship to be only about Love. How beautiful that as you re-connect deeper to your own innate love you discover that how you treat another you also treat yourself and vice versa how you treat yourself you also treat all others.
My marriage has also been supported to have more love in it since attending the workshops and presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I feel much appreciation for Serge and the wisdom he lives and presents on relationships.
‘Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.’ Nicole this is something my husband and I have also learnt and I agree with you wholeheartedly – it is a game changer. This is now how I choose to be in all my relationships whether family, friends or work colleagues and it is no different. When you no longer react or take things personally there is no possibility for conflict, it is that simple.
It is huge to “listen without reacting or take things personally”, to give space to each other to express and release held hurts that we hold within our ideals and beliefs. I know I am learning to expose my preciously guarded ideals and beliefs by taking responsibility, by noting when I am in reaction and where that is coming from. How loving to have a deepening relationship where these can be openly expressed without judgement.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 30 years and we have shared similar ups and downs and tensions between us as a couple where what we think the other should be like or doing, gets in the way of developing and honest and loving relationship. For the past 10 years we have been working on our own issues and those we have as a couple engaging in being more communicative and less reactive.
We are a long way from perfect but our relationship as a couple and a family has changed for the better, where we can express what is going on for us without the fear or reaction or retribution from one another and knowing that we are coming from its about love first really helps support this process.
I made the same experience like you Rachel (my partner and I are together now for 17 years) and also found the experience that it is never too late to change in a relationship is wonderful. Since we have started to be in a true relationship I realized that our being together before was more like an arrangement. It is not bad to have an arrangement but having a relationship is much more joyful and also more inspirational and not boring at all.
Thanks Nicole – that’s a huge sharing and so much to comment on. One part which has stood out for me is “Listening without Reacting” which I find easy to say, but sometimes very hard to do. It’s so easy to get caught up with the initial reaction and from there everything just snowballs into something much bigger. That initial reaction can be so subtle it can be easy to override. The word ‘listening’ also reminds me of a phrase I heard a long time ago (I don’t remember where) but somebody said “You can not learn while speaking – only when listening”.
How absolutely glorious to have relationships this way, and it can be with everyone including ourselves. It brings being in relationship to a whole new level of commitment and responsibility, my whole body is reverberating yes! So much in relationship we can come back to, more honesty and what you have shared Nicole, is so helpful to us all, whether we are in a partner relationship or not, thank you.
It is wonderful how you and your husband were clear of your choice: “…truly wanted a love-filled relationship and we were not going to give up on having that,” and so many insights. My favourite is that relationships work best when there is a union of two people, open to sharing what is felt and what is needed, taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. Perfect ingredients for any type of relationship.
I love what you write, Nicole. I experience a huge shift in my relationships with friends, family and my children since I listen without reacting and take responsibility for what I feel and what happens. There is more depth, more love and more intimacy than before.
Yes Monika, and how liberating is this, and such joy can be felt too.
Thank you, Nicole, for this amazing offering. While reading it, I kept thinking about my work – there’s no obvious ‘conflict’ but there’s some tension that has not been discussed, and I realise how ideals & beliefs, control and unexpressed hurts are at play. What you have expressed is very relevant and applicable to any relationship, and I am inspired. Thank you.
By not blaming the other person and trying to change them, but by taking responsibility for our own thoughts and actions and being willing to look at what ideals and beliefs we are holding onto gives us more understanding of ourselves and so we are able to communicate more openly with that person. What a wonderful way to support each other in building an ongoing loving relationship. Thank-you Nicole
Yes, your relationship with your partner Nicole is very inspiring and you two have the a relationship that a 15 year old looks up too and knows that she shouldn’t be excepting anything less.
How beautifully said Madeline – isn’t it wonder-full that here are these awesome living ‘examples’ of people that you claim as such an inspiration for you. I love what you have commented here – the wisdom in your recognition is such joy to behold.
Thank you Nicole for sharing your own deep and transforming story. I felt the responsible honouring of yourself in all of the unfolding events that led to the glorious reflection that is noticeable in the photograph at the beginning of this blog.
Thank you Nicole for your article. Marriage has been something that I had avoided up until seeing how we can make it true and love filled. I now know that I can choose to marry and it will be amazing and not misery, which is what I saw most marriages created.
As you share, Nicole, there are no ideals and beliefs in love. Ideal’s and beliefs divide and separate. Love is love and holds all equal.
Yes and that is something we all are learning – to hold all equal in love.
Everything you have shared rings true, Nicole, and it’s very inspiring to feel. Thanks to Universal Medicine, I am also learning to break down the ideals and beliefs about what a relationship should be. Having been with my partner for 24 years, in a way it feels like just the beginning of a true relationship, and we are starting to communicate in a way that supports us to grow and evolve together rather than resign ourselves to co-existing and settling for less than the love we both know.
Agreed, Richard. The more we let go of the past behaviours and commit to being open and honest with each other, the more we can feel the potential of a true love that is bigger than both of us.
Lovely article with great words of wisdom, relationships is about union, two people equally deepening their relationship with honesty, openess and trust. No one is lesser or higher than the other, it’s about taking responsibility and a forever deepening which never ends.
I love what you say about relationships – “it’s not an agreement but a commitment to love.” That is just spot on how a relationship should and can be if we all make the commitment to building this love within us first.
Hear hear – “…if we make the commitment to building this love within us first.” That’s the key.
Thank you Nicole. I really relate to everything you have shared and have felt many of the same changes in my friendships.
Great blog Nicole. As you have so clearly and beautifully expressed having a true relationship has to begin with the agreement that . . . “we truly wanted a love-filled relationship and we were not going to give up on having that.” Then comes the commitment to our selves and to the other to take full responsibility for all we do and say without falling back into the old ‘blame’ or ‘shame’ games that have never and can never work, and then we are able to . . . ” just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally.”
And if we can do this with one person we can do it with all who are willing to be in relationship with us.
And wow, what a fantastic and radiant photo of you two!
Yes, I love this picture too, so much joy and lightness. Beautiful.
Thank you Nicole for this great blog. “A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.” I love this line because I feel the potential all relationships have when we live from this foundation of making the relationship about absolute love and nothing else.
Nicole, I love this blog – it is a MUST READ for every single one of us, not just couples. We are all in relationships, it being friends, family or collegues – even people we meet at the supermarket, the bus driver and the list goes on. I can so relate to how the game is completely changing once we start to truly listen to each other instead of reacting and taking things personally.
It can seem so scary to face conflict with another but once we commit to the common love we share and working it out, the separation between us narrows and disappears and we feel our true harmony with each other.
I recently returned from a Universal Medicine Retreat in Vietnam, where there were quite a few couples attending the retreat. And what really struck me is how equal they were….it was quite mind blowing really. I watched the couples interact over the 5 days and was deeply inspired by the love, intimacy, tenderness, openness that both partners were showing and such solidness of each person and then as a couple. Usually in this world when I view partners, I often see (or feel) an unequalness where 1 is on ‘top of the other’ or wishing the other to be different which creates a divide. Thank you Nicole for this important sharing and having witnessed you and your husbands relationship (and other’s within UM) I can also attest what you have shared in this blog and now live out.
I love the simplicity of what you have shared here. Look at your own ideals and beliefs first and drop the expectations of the other person. Nothing seems to build trust more than feeling safe to speak and that you will be heard, without reactions. This is such a gift we can give to each other.
Yes Fiona, these are important valuable points you share here.
It is no wonder that we have difficulties in relationships when we have ideals and beliefs playing out, that we are often not even conscious of. If a man has an ideal about how his wife ‘should’ be and a woman has an ideal or picture of how she is as a wife, and they are different, then bingo – you’re unlikely to have an exact ‘ideal’ match! I love how you’ve expressed Nicole that as you have brought it back to responsibility for yourselves and not putting anything onto each other that your relationship has changed and your love deepened. That feels so very simple.
I love this sharing, thank you Nicole. Although I am not in a partnership such as marriage, I am certainly in relationship with myself and all others I meet in life and it is so true that it is – “about committing to oneself first, and from there committing to all others, equally so”. When I am committed to me and to living this love, my relationships with people are full of ease, joy, fun and openness – they also reflect so much and sometimes this is challenging to face but as you share by “embracing everything in and with unity, without separation, judgement or control” we have the space to feel and to learn and to love more deeply. What beautiful role models you, your husband and your children offer us all, for how life can be lived and shared with each other.
I love this blog too, and relate to what you say here Clare. ‘When I am committed to me and to living this love, my relationships with people are full of ease, joy, fun and openness…’
“A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.” I love these sentences. It is so true and so powerful.
This is beautiful to read Nicole and I am finding what you share here can apply to any relationship we have not only a partner. My relationships with my children, friends, work colleagues etc are changing because I am learning to choose to take responsibility for myself in the way I am with them.
I used to be the biggest reactor, nuclear power could have been generated from me! :-). I had a fortress of ideas and beliefs to hide behind, a false protection, peering out and making judgements about the way the other person should be to fit my idea of relationship, friendship etc. It didn’t work.
I love these lines “The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.”
“It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.”
So true. Thank you
What a top blog Nicole Serafin and what a blessing to anyone who reads it. You have said loads and I reckon every one going into a relationship or marriage should read this – it is a valuable gift to say the least !
I have been with my husband for 28 years and most of what you say I could just say “ditto”.
The recipe for us is now loud and clear –
Be open and honest always
Take full Responsibility for all your choices
No point blaming as it won’t work
Stop reacting and don’t take it personal
Keep focusing and appreciating the amazing qualities you love about you and them
Keep it light and enjoy every day. Keep laughing.
Thank God we came across the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I doubt we would be together as when I came to the work we were about to separate.
With the love and understanding I now have, I know I have a true marriage and things just keep getting better.
This is beautiful Nicole and is what my husband and I have experienced as well (and continue to experience). We both realise that our love needs to be continually evolving and that we are never “there”. We are aware now that many of our issues in the past were caused by stagnation and a total unawareness of how to deepen and evolve our love on a daily basis. The “issues” which once would sit in our relationship for weeks unresolved or buried are now dealt with very quickly and we move on. We too are learning to truly listen to each other and not react and to make intimacy a living part of our livingness.
Truly possible! Learning to listen to each other without reaction but with appreciation is a big step and a great opener!
From there both can learn to express what they truly feel and a true support can start. This makes every relation very alive and all day new.:-)
Nicole, I am learning more and more to listen particularly to honest reflections and even other’s disapproval without reacting and taking it personally. Consequently relationships are stronger and there’s less tension. A huge break through for me.
It was inspiring to read about the journey you and your husband have been on. The commitment you both have to work at the relationship allowed you to discover a true relationship based on open communication and a deepening in self responsibility.
“..as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end.” This sums it up beautifully. Thank you Nicole.
Those are so my wedding vows. Commitment to true love and to nothing else. Thats where amazing relationships come from!
What a beautiful idea Joshua! Simply sums it all up doesn’t it 🙂
Thank you for your sharing too Nicole. You have elaborated on the absolute gold tools that Serge/Universal Medicine offer us all perfectly.
A Beautiful commitment to a marriage Joshua.
One of these powerful tools presented by Serge Benhayon, is honesty. It was and is my gateway to a harmonious relationship. With my partner and with everybody else.
Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has helped me understand that when i react to a situation, there is something about that situation that brings up an issue for me. When i catch myself reacting and i can be honest with myself, i have a much better chance of just observing and understanding what is going on. I also have a better chance of truly listening to the other person and feeling what is happening for me.
My partner and I met a year before we were introduced to Serge Benhayon. We were from completely different backgrounds and life experiences and both caught up in ideals and beliefs and emotional reactions . Once we had met Serge things changed; we had a period of separation and came together again having worked with finding a truer relationship with ourselves. From thereon we continued to build our own foundations of love within ours selves and bring it to our relationship together. It is continual ongoing work and I know we would not be together now unless we had been shown the way, and what we enjoy now is more harmonious and infinitely rewarding.
‘A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.’ This is so humbling Nicole, and freeing, thank you. Where I would previously have automatically lept into criticism of another whenever I felt hard-done-by (i.e. from them not measuring up against my deeply held ideals and beliefs), I am now learning to be more honest with myself in these moments, and with this I’m offered a moment of spaciousness and an opportunity to make another choice. When I choose to respond in a way that is loving and harmonious, it feels amazing.
In the old days, when one got married, a wife stayed at home to care for the house, any children that they were blessed with, and had dinner on the table when the the partner came home from work.
Well those day are now over. Marriage is a partnership where all things are shared. Talk to each other about concerns and things that may be troubling one’s self. Share everything together as a family, but also have your own space to do your things, if it’s a strong marriage, one will always fly back to the nest.
Nicole – I was delighted to read your article – it is so clear and simple – and powerful. For two people to be willing to have this kind of commitment to consistently expressing what they are feeling, not taking it personally, just listening without reacting, and continually developing the relationship based always on love is very beautiful. I loved this line:
“I learned that individually, and as a couple, we need to be always taking responsibility and building a deeper level of love. It is a deepening that never stops; it has no end.”
That’s awesome Nicole, I love that after such a long time of being together in the blame and victim, you are still able to re-build your relationship when you both take responsibility for your part. It’s sad to watch so many relationships end when they genuinely love each other but don’t know how to be together. They should read this blog!
” It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.” This is key. How often we lose this focus and way of being and let the agreements hold sway. To create a strong foundation of love and continually come back to love is the only way. Thank you Nicole for another great article, simple yet beautifully inspirational.
Beautiful blog Nicole, that’s a course in relationship therapy right there! What I have also noticed is those hurts we carry are the things that throw us into reaction before we even realise what’s going on. It wasn’t until I started to unpick hurts and feelings of not being valued – from way back before I had even met my husband, that I could understand how much I was relying on him and expecting him to prove his love.
Beautiful sharing Nicole. It is so easy to cast all the blame away from ourselves without taking full responsibility and being willing to be aware of our part in things. To share a commitment with your partner to be open about any issue, ideal or belief while holding it all with love is so very powerful, healing and incredibly loving.
Nicole I feel that you have laid out the foundations for any harmonious relationship – that first you and your husband had a commitment to love, to living that, and you also had an understanding that starting with oneself and being prepared to unravel hurts and ideals is key. Listening to and not reacting to our partners takes some discipline and humility. Another point which I loved was the ever deepening nature of our relationships, they are never static.
Well said Bernadette. Listening without reaction certainly requires some discipline as you say. But with some forgiveness of ourselves to not be perfect, it’s all possible. And it’s always a work in progress.
“A relationship of love has no room for ideals and beliefs. Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.” When I read that statement it makes me consider all the conflict in the world and all of our relationships. How indeed would it be to live as brothers, sisters, husbands, wives , fathers, mothers and friends, without these ideals distorting things? I loved Nicole how you and your husband did not fall for the conflict and issues as being ‘you’, but explored where they came from and if they were true. Inspiring to read, for all of our relationships in this world.
Nicole I love how you share you have both taken responsibility for communicating with each other and your relationship. It feels like you are a very important part of new foundations for all relationships: a living loving way to be with yourselves, each other and everyone. Thank you.
I really love how you make it clear that willingness to take responsibility – for yourself and how you are with your partner – is a key factor in the commitment to a loving relationship. I also found the honesty about not being perfect just so refreshing.
Sometimes it is just our willingness to takes responsibility for our imperfections and allow them to be exposed so we can learn from them and to see and feel life with fresh eyes and begin again.
The depth of love and commitment being held to each other and towards forever deepening the marriage relationship that can be felt in this blog is deeply touching and offers a true marker of what true relationship is about, in couple and with everyone.
Thanks Nicole for sharing how loving relationships is a choice. I love this line…’It is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.’
Without that commitment first, it is easy to slip into those unloving patterns of the past, to react, to blame, to fight, to give up and the list goes on. Make it about love first as a foundation and that will support those difficult and challenging times that are merely crossroads to great change and evolution.
Yes, absolutely Marika.
Thank you Nicole such wise words of wisdom and an article that all couples would benefit from reading. There is such a simple magic to what you are saying “listening without reacting” I personally have found this to be a game changer and the not ‘taking things personally’ is vital if we want to get to the bottom of the ideals and beliefs that often stand in the way of the possibility of deepening love.
A relationship that is about ‘love and nothing but love’, in which no one blames the other and no one takes anything personally. That truly is something to appreciate and celebrate everyday Nicole.
I agree Jeannette… This is something to deeply appreciate and celebrate everyday. To be in such a relationship where no one blames the other, or takes things personally; instead takes the responsibility for their actions is a unique way of being. How many couples can express consistently to this level and make it their everyday norm? This is a real marker for how we can be with each other not just in couple relationships but with EVERY relationship.
I loved how simple you explained commitment Nicole. As others have also commented I feel this isn’t just for couples but every relationship a person may have, even with themselves. And I felt that by connecting to that feeling of love in ourselves that is the start of not accepting anything other than that feeling of love, be it in ourselves or with another. What was great about reading this blog at this point in time for myself was that in regards to a relationship with myself it requires that willingness to listen to the body and how it feels. Because if not then when it starts to complain in the form of aches, pains, illness and disease or dis-ease, my mind reacts because my body is not living up to the picture in my head – both are not singing from the same sheet and tension ensues. Whereas if the body has felt that warmth and love that comes from within, my mind could be better used going with those feelings rather than stubbornly holding onto all the ideals and beliefs that have only caused greater tension – admitting that such has not worked is not pleasant but that feeling in the body is worth swallowing the ‘oops pill’ for.
What loving relationships we can create if we come from that place of ‘It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.’ There would be much less conflict in the world with this commitment.
Indeed, Judy. Often we settle for an arrangement in relationships where there is a silent agreement not to rock the boat or press each others buttons, but that is not even close to what love is. True love is definitely worth going for and committing to in full, as Nicole has expressed so beautifully in this blog. And as you say, the world would be a different place if so many were not giving up on the possibility of having true love in their lives.
MUCH less conflict – spot on Judy.
So beautifully expressed Nicole. A great learning for us all – whatever relationships we are in – self, partner, family, friends etc.
This morning my husband and I found it difficult to listen to each other and not take things personally which is very unusual for us. Then tonight I open up this blog and get to read your words and I can feel that we have a very loving relationship and what came up between us today was simply saying hey, there is more, you can listen more closely to each other, you can deepen the intimacy you have with each other and you can open up your hearts more to each other. The uncomfortable and ugly moments allow us to let go of what gets in the way of our relationship going deeper. We are both committed to the deepening of our relationship with each other.
“The uncomfortable and ugly moments allow us to let go of what gets in the way of our relationship going deeper.” This is amazing to read. If we were able to understand and accept that these moments are opportunities for evolution then perhaps there may be a huge shift in the way we ‘re-act’!
Sally, that’s a PEARL of a comment…. “the uncomfortable and ugly moments allow us to let go of what gets in the way of our relationship going deeper.” With in the height of a disagreement how many couples can view this is a point of evolving the relationship, rather than holding grudges and resentment?
Sally it is a great understanding that the ‘ugly uncomfortable moments’ are the ones to stay with and get underneath so to speak. It is a habit to want to pull back from these, but that only makes things more awkward and uncomfortable overall. I’m pondering a picture and asking “why did I ever think life is meant to be all glossy and rosy”?
Thank you Sally for sharing your morning with us. To have the commitment to live love and to see that ‘The uncomfortable and ugly moments allow us to let go of what gets in the way of our relationship going deeper.’ is having and working on a true relationship.
Beautiful Sally. The uncomfortable and ugly moments in our relationships are wonderful opportunities to go deeper so that our relationships are more intimate and loving. Sally’s comment has made me realize how very often I don’t appreciate these moments when they arise.
You have managed to reverse the ill trend: the relative openness that most couples only have with each other at the very beginning of their relationship, you and your husband have turned into true intimacy (= communication) and continue to develop, deepen and build on it. That is truly inspiring and it proves that it can be done; it happens when two people individually take responsibility and hear each other out without taking things personal or reacting.
This blog is indeed very inspiring and as you said Gabriele show us what is possible in relationships
Nicole I love the commitment to a love filled relationship that you and your husband have demonstrated. It has not been my experience to date, but definitely what I would aspire to in a marriage. However the tips you have shared are relevant to the way I relate with everyone!
Nicole your honesty in regards to relationships is pure gold. I loved this statement “The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.” We all have a part to play in relationships and its about continually building on this and not reacting to certain situations, comments, which takes us away from ourselves and away from the one thing we all have and that’s love.
Dear Nicole,
What you share here holds many, levels of wisdom and understanding. The commitment to love in any relationship is the key. I feel this truth deeply now as I bring love into my relationships, not just with my husband, but all interactions that I have. It is beautiful to read how you and your husband are living committed to self first and how by doing this it actually deepens your connection with each other. A true testament that to truly love another, we must love ourselves first.
Such a beautiful article Nicole – when you expressed “The ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said” Yes this is a big one! I’m sure for many. This is a work in progress for me too in my long term relationship. It creates such a beautiful platform to allow us to express from the heart more – and that for me is pure joy. No indulging in neediness, attention or controlling.
For sure a big one Marion and very much a work in progress. I can very much still take things personally and what I notice then, is that I go into my mind and get a tornado of thoughts. I completely escape and leave myself and the one I am talking to. What really helps me, and I am working on this, is to share out loud when this happens. To express more and more what is happening and then foof, it is gone..next moment!
Nicole this is such a beautiful and important sharing and inspiration for everyone thank you. Laying relationships out so simply and clearly as to how they are and how they can be, when dedicated to love truly. The trust developed, honesty and true relationship with self first and thus with everyone, is the key and Serge Benhayon, his family and Universal medicine are showing many the way and are role models like yourself and your family for humanity.
This is so inspiring what you have shared I can feel your commitment to both yourselves and each other in how you are constantly evolving, holding and making it about love at the forefront. I see so many couples that are unhappy or just get complacent with their relationship, with also little communication about how they really feel. This as well as dealing with hurts is massive what you have shared ‘This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.’
Nicole I never cease to love what you share in your blogs. The stand out for me in this one is about just being willing to listen. I find this challenging at times due to the hurt of not feeling listened to myself. It’s so great to be aware of this and not let it get in the way of deeply listening and connecting to my partner, children and anyone I am chatting with.!
So true Nicole, the beliefs we have about how our partners ‘should’ be, do get in the way of developing a true relationship and then allowing this to deepen. I know I can get caught in the…if only he would do this or that, then everything will be ‘better’. This looking outside of me or even blaming my partner for the way our relationship is, really doesn’t get us anywhere and that only a true commitment to ourselves and our relationship, is what will really allow this to blossom. Thank you Nicole this is a beautiful reflection for me.
As a single man, I’ve taken from this solid article, the same that almost everyone can regardless as to whether you’re partnered or not: ‘committing to oneself first, and from there committing to all others’. I find this to be particularly true, for without an honest relationship with yourself, how could one ever be in an honest relationship? Without being consistent with yourself, how can a relationship ever gain any rhythm of consistency? Thanks Nicole.
Yes this listening without reaction thing is crucial to breaking the repetitive cycles that stop a relationship from growing and developing. I have recently been seeing my reactions as basically me saying that my own hurts and issues are more important than supporting the other person to grow. It is making it all about me rather than us. Seeing it in this way has helped to stop me going so much into these habitual reactions.
I would have loved to have read this blog when I was married – I knew it wasn’t working but I tried to ‘fix’ it without having a fundamental understanding of life. We are not given the basics of how relationships work when we are young and then make up the rules as we go along based on what we see around us.
How beautiful it is to have the reflection of your blog to inspire us all, thank you Nicole. When we begin to unravel some of the mystery of life and to see our own part in relationships, it brings a deeper understanding of others and this opens the door to love.
I had the same process in my relationship and we also work on true communication. Meaning expressing sooner than later, looking at our self instead of pointing fingers, and appreciating. Wow, the patterns are so deeply engrained but slowly we are finding our way which is very fulfulling. I now start to learn what real intimacy is.
Much appreciation for your article Nicole, it has really supported me in my relationships as to how a true relationship could be. I want to share it with everyone! And your quote –
“Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer” is something that I am learning to do myself, and boy, does this make a difference to relationships – with everyone. Congratulations, both of you on having the honesty, awareness and love to deepen your relationship. Thank-you.
Nicole, this is a blog to be inspired by. Thank you for pointing out the subject of responsibility. I don’t think I really understood my responsibility in my earlier relationships, and I certainly can relate to this part for myself: “The unresolved feelings of hurt, rejection and a lack of trust we brought to this relationship always left us wanting the other to prove their love first so we could feel secure and safe.”
Now, “Taking responsibility” has a whole new meaning and I know that no one can take responsibility for me, my feelings, my own connection and my awareness but myself. Knowing that, it’s up to me to make my life how I want it to be. Pretty amazing. No one can make it “better” or “worse”, but myself. Now, I am working on “a commitment to self first,” which is the most natural place to start.
Thank you Nicole for this great sharing. This sentence stood out for me:
“The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.”
These are true and wise words, thank you.
Beautiful photo 🙂
From reading the first few lines of this I had the picture in my head that this relationship had failed and ended, it was great to read that from where you were you resolved the problems you both found in the relationship through a commitment to understanding and allowing for the other persons outlook. It is as you say a union that you have formed and I am sure a great many people have found the same difficulties in relationships, it is heartening to read of you both being so willing to continually work at the relationship and not letting it slip away. Thank you Nicole for sharing this take on relationships.
It’s wonderful to read a blog about a couple who are committed to making their relationship about love, and when both parties are prepared to develop their personal relationships with themselves as part of the commitment to be with each other in marriage. Beautiful, thank you.
Another great blog, Nicole, full of truth and love. Thank you
A great blog Nicole, lots for us all to consider and ponder on, my favourite part being “I have seen for myself that relationships work best when they are a union of two people, a union that needs to continually be developed and worked on. It is not an ‘agreement’ that you enter into; it is a commitment to love and it is that love that creates the foundation for all relationships.”. Love does not end and begin with your relationship it begins in the way we are with ourselves first and recognising that love is there for all equally. Thanks for your insights Nicole.
Nicole, you seem to be describing how the vast majority of relationships pan out…. “We were both unhappy, blaming the other for the way things were. Neither of us wanted to take responsibility for the way our relationship was. We both wanted things to change, but expected the other to make the changes we wanted to see.” You show just how much the basis of a relationship can change when both parties are able to take responsibility for their part and make different choices in it .
That’s sadly true Rachel – a lot of relationships are laced with irresponsibility, and in many cases both people expect the other to take the reins and ‘make the changes they want to see’. Nicole is showing how stepping up yourself and taking responsibility can make an incredible, huge difference.
Beautiful wisdom that you share Nicole and how wonderful would it be if this is the true foundation of all relationships. I love what you share about listening and not reacting and taking things personal. That is a big one and the less we react, the more open we are to the other and we can stay away from conflicts and disputes.
A very inspiring blog Nicole – I love the way you have written the steps you have taken to bring your relationship to a new level of awareness.
“.simply making our relationship about love, and nothing but love, our connection to our selves and each other grew deeper and stronger naturally”.
“Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.”
Yes, the simple assumption that the person who chooses to live with you, be with you, when they say something actually is sincere and means well, takes a lot of work to do. It is absolutely crazy but it takes a lot of conscious effort for this trust to simply be there and then it is quite amazing.
What you have shared here Christoph is deeply moving and beautiful. Your commitment to yourself and your relationship is an inspirational reflection of what is possible when we make life all about love.
Yes, that is the key Christoph, to just listen without reacting or taking things personally.
Thank you Nicole. I agree that a marriage calls for a commitment from both to share openly how you are feeling and discuss ideals and beliefs that may be getting in the way of developing a true relationship. It is so easy for a little unresolved niggle to fester into a barrier between you but if you talk about these things it does not become an issue and the relationship deepens.
‘This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.’- very wise and helpful advice Nicole.
Hi Nicole this is such a great article written with such honesty and openness so that people that read it can learn that true relationships don’t just happen they have to be worked on and as you said starting with a commitment and responsibility to self first with no room for ideals and beliefs.
Bang on target there Kevin – I agree the commitment and responsibility has to be with yourself first. And yes true relationships have to be worked on. In my case no more giving up. If things are ugly which is rare now, we deal with it. No trying to laugh it off or brush it under the carpet. Nice nice in our house just doesn’t work. Its like a bad smell – you got to deal with it and move on.
Hear hear, Kev!!
So true Kevin, commitment to self and taking responsibility for self must come first. I used to think that trying to make every one happy was the way. There certainly was no love in living this. As I have now come to feel deeply, there is only love, if I love myself.
Thank you it is great what you have written and yes listening and not reacting is an essential ingredient. I also thought what you wrote at the start was key: “we truly wanted a love-filled relationship and we were not going to give up on having that”. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and always committed to each other and our relationship, but still we were not without our tensions and issues. A few years ago inspired by the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine we verbally agreed and both committed to make our relationship and 24/7 way of being all about love. Since then many things came up for us to look at and listen to and many changes happened… meanwhile our connection just keeps getting more and more and more gorgeous and yummy with each other, with ourselves and with everyone else. It seems love has absolutely no limits but my words to express it certainly do!
Ah so gorgeous Nicola. This made me smile. Your words well portray the breadth and non static ever deepening loveliness of your connection and commitment to self, each other and all us fortunate folk who have the joy of knowing you – and even to those who might never meet you. So great watching you two together the way you are nowadays – warm and encompasing.
Beautiful Nicola, it is truly profound to describe love as ever evolving considering in this day and age it seems there is the misconception that love leaves you as you grow old
So beautiful Nicola. Love has certainly no limits and it can forever grow and deepen and this I am also experiencing with my husband. This is a lovely way to live.
“Imagine that – if there were no ideals and beliefs, then there would be no room for blame or conflict.” “The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.” I love these two statements Nicole from your great blog, for me these words encapsulate what is required to make our relationships about love. Simple words but requiring real dedication and purpose to bring to fruition, something you and your husband are bringing about in your relationship which is so supportive for all of us in relationships. The more of us that live this way offered by Universal Medicine the easier it becomes for others. Thank you.
It is not an arrangement but a commitment to love…. There is a big difference as the arrangement looks sometimes like being love because it is so perfectly set up that there are no more conflicts. But arrangement is a love killer.
This is a great inspiration, Nicole, how you work on your commitment to love with your husband and bring awareness how true love is a feeling in your body. Thank you for sharing.
An arrangement is very different to a commitment to love Kerstin. And how often do we see arrangements that appear like love but lack the substance. Thank you for sharing the very honest and genuine steps you and your husband have been making Nicole.
Yes, I absolutely agree, taking responsibility in a relationship is first to reconnect to oneself and stop blaming the other. Openly to speak about the hurts one has but equally so listen and understand what the partner has to say. Not to react is at first not easy but with time and steadiness we can learn this and see what comes up is just ideals and beliefs one holds and not the true you. Certainly a very good approach to make a relationship what it really is about – about love.
This is gold for all relationships Nicole – “Another huge thing we learned was to just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally; this was definitely a game changer.” I find whenever I take something personally in any of my relationships I am no longer able to feel clearly what is truly going on. All that you have shared here has inspired me greatly! Thank you
I so agree with you Aimee, if I can keep myself out of the way and see clearly what is going on, then things are very simple. The moment I take something personally I am lost, as immediately all of my insecurities and doubts crowd me. What I am discovering though is that when connected deeply to me, there are no insecurities, no doubts. Instead I am filled with such love and understanding, this is what supports me to know the difference and to know what to come back to.
Beautifully written, Nicole. So important to become aware of, work on and heal issues and patterns we bring into a relationship. I once asked a boyfriend to help me create a maintenance-free garden. Being a gardener he told me this does not exist. There will always be some maintenance. With him I also learned that there is no maintenance-free relationship. We all have to look at our own ‘stuff’ and take responsibility and it needs full commitment of Both to feel, express, grow in love together. As you write “it is a deepening that never stops”
Yes Ingrid, what a beautiful thought it is to have a relationship that is “…a deepening that never stops. ” Who doesn’t want that. It is a precious reflection you offer all here Nicole.
Wow this is beautiful Ingrid, I love the gardening analogy, ‘With him I also learned that there is no maintenance-free relationship. We all have to look at our own ‘stuff’ and take responsibility and it needs full commitment of Both to feel, express, grow in love together’.
I like the analogy Ingrid, and yes, I too would like a maintenance free garden ha ha.
Like all things in life there is no end game, no ‘this is it’, no more work required as we are forever deepening and working and the sooner we accept that, the easier to move with love it becomes. Though I have managed to resist and want desperately the ‘maintenance free’ life! No such thing.!
An inspiring analogy Ingrid of a garden that needs consistent maintenance and the more you tend the garden the more you come to know and love all the different aspects within it and how to work with it rather than against it.
Thank you Mary for your lovely response to Ingrid’s comment. As you say a garden is a beautiful analogy for a relationship – tend to it, work with it with love, tender care and conscious presence and it will continue to blossom and flourish.
For me, the essence of my relationships is being present, not just physically, but bringing all of Me to the union. I have been focusing on this recently and I can say that it is certainly not as easy as it sounds. When I feel myself being present, the quality of the union feels full, whereas when I am not being present there is no substance or connection to be felt. The key is for me to be honest when I am not being present rather than trick myself into thinking that I am. To support myself in this I just keep checking in with how I feel because I know the feeling of being Me, so when I give myself the opportunity to really feel this, I can very simply choose to return to who I know I am. This is very much a work in progress but I have felt the huge difference this makes to my exchanges with people and the gorgeous quality that is there when I am only Me and nothing else.
I can relate to this Robyn. For me the quality of my thoughts are a great marker to feel whether I am present with me and thus in the relationship. I agree when we are present there is only that moment to feel and this brings in the quality of love.
Robyn, you have added another aspect to Nicole’s awesome expression about relationships with anyone, not just partners. Being present means that we are connected to our own experience and the opportunity is there to develop our honest expression. Otherwise we are in reaction to others and responding emotionally which always kills any chance of developing a relationship. This blog is a true gift.
Being present, having understanding and acceptance of everyone, not just our partners – now wouldn’t that turn the world on it’s head.
Feels like an enormous challenge when I consider relationships I have with certain people, such as work colleagues and even certain friends. But, why would I limit the amount of love I have to just one person, or a handful? Do I enjoy the conflict of not ‘being me’ creates? I don’t actually. Much to consider here.
Dear Robyn,
Bring present, choosing my love, being honest when I am not doing this and choosing to come back to it. I too have been choosing this and the difference in how I communicate is huge. There is such a feeling of love for both myself and others in this space, this certainly brings forth different words to be spoken. Truly a profound experience.
Indeed Robyn, I know for myself that I have noticed a difference in interactions within a relationship when being present, when both are present the connection feels joyful and complete before the interaction where as if one is not present with themselves then their is a neediness for intimacy that kicks in.
This is gold Robyn – to know how it feels to be ‘Me’ and to keep returning to that.
Awesome Robyn. I love this ”The key is for me is to be honest when I am not being present rather than trick myself into thinking that I am”.
A great article Nicole and wise words, not only for couples, but for friends, relatives, acquaintances, work buddies, groups of people, journalists, politicians…indeed everyone.
Imagine if we were all able to (as you say), “just listen to each other without reacting or taking things personally”. Now that indeed would be “a game changer”.
Listening without reacting or taking things personally is so key in the development of my relationships. When I am able to have a conversation where I am able to openly talk about what is going on, my feelings…and when I am able to listen to another do the same – when I do this and get myself out of the way, it’s as if I am always wiping the slate clean and allowing for a fresh start. Things don’t get carried over and it also allows for a deepening within the relationship.
This is a big one I feel Nikki, getting ourselves out of the way. Making the relationship about Love first and foremost, and not personalising it to ‘me’ and ‘my issues’, is a huge shift for the better. It offers us the opportunity to expand and evolve.
Absolutely agree Rod. The concept of not taking things personally, in addition to looking at self in the first instance (in preference to blaming another), being honest and willing to look at our ideals and beliefs around relationships and the roles that we play within them, taking responsibility, and making a commitment to true love, are all foundational tools which can support any relationship, inducing the one we have with ourselves as well as with others.
So true – let’s change the game, all of us!
You took the words out of my fingertips Rod!
As I was reading I kept asking what is the quality that i am bringing to my friends, my work colleagues, my immediate family, in fact all of my family?
What demands do I place on them to fulfil for me?
Am I responsible in my commitment to myself and do I bring this commitment to them, or do I reserve that commitment for certain people and certain times?
Am I dedicated to love in all aspects of my life?
Love this blog Nicole and your beautiful honesty.
Rachel, I find myself staring at your questions, knowing the absolute truth of them, and what they ask of me, knowing for sure that they are the only true way forward, and also knowing that I have a lot more work, or loving to do.
I totally agree Rachel. We really need to stop and take a deeply honest look at the way we are in relationships and what we bring. We are not a victim of a relationship, we are half of it, we can bring about enormous change by choosing love and personal responsibility over blame and finger pointing any day!
Great questions you pose here Rachel inspiring me to ponder deeply upon them and continue to bring more honesty to my life.
Rachel you ask some excellent questions… ‘Am I dedicated to love in all aspects of my life?’ – Definitely something to ponder on.
Great questions you pose here Rachel for anyone who is committed to developing true relationship with themselves and others.
So true Rod…that would be a definite game changer.
Wow yes, how awesome that would be Rod, by just starting to listen without reacting or taking things personally or even being honest. When I do react or take things to heart and then taking responsibility for that – I’ve noticed a big turnaround in my relationships. Thank you Nicole for your honesty and sharing in your commitment to love within your marriage.
Very true Rod, these principles apply to every relationship we have and yes what a game changer that would be, if we could all truly listen to another without reacting or taking things to heart and take responsibility for our choices and actions too. What a difference it would make to our national and international relationships if our personal relationships are built on such foundations.
Absolutely Rod, in every relationship! Such an awesome sharing that gives so much to reflect on and truly revise how we relate with each other.
Yes, it is a true art in listening to another with no personal mind chatter or perceived hurts lacing the listening.
A beautifully expressed truth of how a relationship can be about love and commitment to working through things together as a couple rather than the usual of feeling that the other person should bring that happiness to us to make us feel complete. Personally I have been in many relationships that just didn’t ‘work’ mainly because neither of us wanted to take this level of responsibility. We just wanted the other to make us happy. I have been around long enough in my own life (55yrs) and also seen enough of other peoples relationships to see that this clearly doesn’t work. And the relationships that look like they ‘work’ are mostly ones that co-exist, at least until retirement when they finally are together 24/7 and find out they don’t really get along after all. When a couple are both very busy with work, children and other hobbies and commitments, there can little time to really reflect on the relationship. Even with this, there is such a high number of failed relationships overall. We all could be asking “what is going on, why can’t we all be loving to each other”. This post has answered a lot of these type of questions for us all. Now I am in a relationship where we are both committed to helping each other to grow with each other and ourselves and wow, what a massive difference this can make. At the start, I made a commitment to communicate whatever I was feeling, even if I feared that it might create tension or reaction, but each time expressed with love rather than from hurt or frustration and this was met with equality and we both continue to grow our relationship. The help and support from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine practitioners has helped me and many others to find this love filled way of being that I am eternally grateful for. With love, Sue
‘When a couple are both very busy with work, children and other hobbies and commitments, there can be little time to really reflect on the relationship.’ How true this is. We pretend everything is fine when underneath the surface all is not well. I find it inspiring to read how couples can work together and rediscover the love that has been there all along.
Thank you Nicole for sharing your experience in your marriage. I do recognise a lot in your story. I find the unconscious made ‘contract’ between my wife and myself the most challenging to work on because it is so ingrained in our relation. This contract is not about a marriage built on a for ever evolving love, but about not ‘rocking the boat’ with each other. If you leave me on this point, I will leave you with that, keeping ourselves in the comfort zone of life, not building a relation based on love. Slowly we are discovering all the points we have agreed upon in the contract, as you say, by taking the responsibility to build a relation based on love and nothing less. This is a beautiful journey that brings that much love and joy I have never been abel to imagine was possible.
What you say is so true Nico, I know all about the not rock the boat way of living. Is so beautiful to read you now feel a love and joy in your relationship now that both of you have committed to love. Very inspiring.
Not ‘rocking the boat’ and ‘staying in the comfort zone’ stagnates. The beautiful description of Nico’and Nicole’s honest and total communication with their partners evolves and inspires.
I so agree Nico – this ‘ not rocking the boat’ – can then end up in capsizing the boat – no good for anyone then. It’s lovely to hear that you and your partner are so committed to your beautiful journey with each other, rocking the boat and all…!
Well said Richard and I always used to think ‘rocking the boat’ was something to avoid. A simpler approach perhaps is one of ever deepening love and whatever happens after that happens. What a refreshing way to look at things and what a great exploration to look at all the contracts of comfort we have in the many relationships we hold.
You make a very interesting point Nico, the unconscious contract is the hardest to work on because it was written up and signed without words being exchanged, and allows the relationship to remain comfortable, and yet in the end it affects the relationship in every aspect.
I agree Nico, un-picking the arrangement can be quite tricky but when we start making life about love, respect, appreciation, it does become easier to see the patterns and point them out. Once seen, we can start to un-ravel them. It is a very beautiful journey, a journey of ever-deepening love that is not confined to one relationship, because as it grows, it spills out into all other relationships too.
Beautifully said Nicole. My husband and I have also found that the deepening in self-responsibility, and our willingness to openly share with each other, are the keys to a truly sustainable and actually deeply joyful, loving and enriching relationship.
It has taken time and deep understanding – a continual learning and growth for both of us – to speak openly about anything that may feel not quite right, or compromising in our relationship. Always, this comes down to ideals we may hold… When we can let go of any blame and expectations upon each other, and the willingness is there to understand more deeply, there is no judgement nor rejection of each other. For from such a young age, as you’ve described, we’ve been bombarded with expectations upon marriage and relationships, and the ‘roles’ parties are ‘supposed’ to play… Not taking any of this for granted, and opening the way for deep support of each other’s natural expression in life, individually and together, has most definitely been a key part for the deepening love we continue to know as a couple. Most definitely, the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has deepened our appreciation and understandings beyond measure over the past 8+ years. There is no doubt in either of us that our commitment is ‘here to stay’ for the rest of this lifetime.
Victoria I love the line – ‘There is no doubt in either of us that our commitment is ‘here to stay’ for the rest of this lifetime.’ I know that I have this commitment with my partner and in this knowing we can share anything, no matter how insignificant, that stops our relationship from being anything less than love because no-one is going anywhere. We are here to stay and to develop each other and thus together.
Victoria and Sally, I love what you both have shared and I can feel that depth of commitment within my relationship with my husband also and it is beauty-full
Thanks Nicole, an awesome blog with so much in it that is helpful in any relationship, not just with partners. What you say about a relationship that’s based on love having no room for ideals and beliefs is key and in my experience too is what allows that simplicity you talk about having now… beginning with ideals we have around what love is. This was the biggest game-changer for me when it came to partners… to not look to someone else to be your source of love is such an enormous paradigm shift.
‘not look to someone else to be your source of love is such an enormous paradigm shift’, it really is Jenny, it is massive. It is such a simple little phrase, but what it contains, surely changes everything. It turns the basis on which most, if not all of us have approached many relationships, on its head. It liberates us from that which keeps us searching, unhappy and often insecure, or controlling. We have our own source of love, wow, fancy that…..
Absolutely. And what happens when we bring love to the relationship, rather than look for it?
Now that’s a whole new level of relationship. I am constantly amazed at how all of my relationships change when I choose to deepen my relationship with myself. It is impossible to blame another when it all comes back to our relationship with self first.
Kylie this is true what you share, as I am also experiencing change in my relationships with others as I deepen my relationship with myself. It is beautiful.
Agreed Kylie – deepening the relationship with myself has been absolutely key to how I am able to relate with others and “bring love to the relationship, rather than look for it” b
This is huge Jenny, ‘to not look to someone else to be your source of love is such an enormous paradigm shift’. This is where so many relationships can fall into co dependance, and that ensuing neediness feels horrible. Which brings it back to being love ourselves, being present and being all of us all of the time.
I agree Jenny – it is a game changer and an enormous paradigm shift to know that we are complete ourselves and do not need anyone else to fill us up or make us complete. Then when we come together with another we can share our love and expand it rather than imposing a need on the other person.
Absolutely Jenny, the biggest game changer for me was also when I started to love myself truly. I realised that the quality of my relationships is all down to my self-worth or lack of and my connection to my very own source of love and not needing anybody to provide love.
Not looking to someone else is great as we are love. Then to have a partner who also knows they are love you can then find, one by one, the hidden expectations and demands that are still there even after that first, big insight.
“This ability to just listen and not take things personally or react to everything that is said allowed us to unravel the false ideals and beliefs step by step; we started taking responsibility for our own feelings and what we were each bringing into the relationship.”
Nicole I would say in my experience that truly listening to another is the key to any relationship so thank you for sharing how you and your husband have deepened your relationship by applying some very simple principles.
So true Michelle, if we can listen to each other without reacting and taking it personally then there is space for more intimacy and deepening of the relationship. If I react to what my partner is saying I am then adding emotionality to the situation and making what love there was fly out the window.
Nicole I feel what you said with “we truly wanted a love-filled relationship and we were not going to give up on having that” is an important key. When this impulse to really love is strong enough, people will even go to the uncomfortable extremes (oh my goodness!) of taking personal responsibility and of listening without taking anything personally. It’s inspiring to know that you and your husband have made these choices and are developing a truly loving marriage. Given the massive divorce and separation rates today, it looks as if many other couples could benefit from your example!
This is just it isn’t it Dianne – to not take everything so personal. Just to look, claim responsibility and move on in a loving and appreciating way.
Yes Karina, when we take things personally it’s like our beliefs and our issues have a life of their own. They form our thoughts, our actions, our words. And when they communicate with our partner’s beliefs and issues in a battle of wills then love and truth are out the window and everything is taken personally, defensively, instead of in loving, honest support of ourselves and our beloveds. And I agree Dianne that many could benefit from Nicole’s example.
Sure is, Karina. I appreciate that, although it should and could be the simplest thing in the world to not take things personally, in practice it can take time, plus a strong commitment and steady awareness to overcome a lifetime of conditioning.
Yes Dianne it can take a lifetime but every forward loving step we take to observe our behaviour and reaction is a step forward to better relationship and better understanding of ourselves in relationships.
Yes Dianne, it is do-able though – to just remind ourselves before ‘reacting’ – and with practice it gets easier and easier I find.
‘When this impulse to really love is strong enough, people will even go to the uncomfortable extremes’ – Absolutely Dianne, but the reason not every couple is like this is because although the impulse is truly strong within everyone, there are issues that we let stand in our way out of comfort or fear of being ‘hurt’.
That’s true Susie, for everyone wants the same thing, but not everyone is ready to take it there.
Very true Dianne, it is such a gift when two people decide to truly build a loving relationship based on true respect, love and equality and it takes commitment too. Learning to listen without taking things personally and taking responsibility is crucial and these things don’t easy, especially if we have been raised on a diet of blame and irresponsibility. Nicole and her husband definitely have something to offer the world and all those couples who truly want to make their relationship work.
Love always wins!
It is amazing how destructive we can get in relationships with each blaming the other for things going wrong, and nothing truly changing for the better. It is lovely to see how life in a relationship can be very different when each partner takes full responsibility for dealing with their own issues, and learns a different way to live, a way that creates true harmony.
Indeed Carmel. And often we do not even realize that we blame the other on very subtle levels and try to manipulate or impose – all because we do not want to see and take our responsibility.
With the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal medicine and the incredible opportunity to live and grow with my amazing partner everyday, I have learned and continue to learn that true harmony and joy will only be able to blossom if we take our responsibility and start with addressing and truly committing to healing ourselves first. A big help for me has been to realise that every moment in my life is a reflection for me, i.e. the more I react to something the deeper I have to look at what this reflects for me. This is so gorgeous and simple :o)
This is so true. I’ve spent a lot of energy in the past trying to make a relationship work – especially the one with myself, and tried to complicate things, tried to blame the world for how I am just to avoid the simplicity of taking responsibility.
My classic attempt to avoid responsibility was by moving, and travelling.. going some where else…. ha! right… and the same old un dealt with issues kept following me until I became aware and started to want to not continue doing the same thing and getting same result that just didn’t feel right!!!
So true Michael and Carmel, I grew up in a household where blaming someone else was always the first port of call. The decision to stop blaming and instead look at the reflection, own the choice or action that created the disharmony and address the issue lovingly has turned around a very unsettled relationship and is transforming it into a very loving and tender marriage. With the support and encouragement of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and choosing to pay attention to some very wise teachings, my husband and I are learning how to build a truly loving relationship and every day brings another joyful opportunity to grow in love together. We’re not picture perfect and it is a constant work in progress, but it has been the best marriage counselling I have ever come across.
I have to agree with you Rowena. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are redefining how to truly be in relationship and what it is to take responsibility for how we are with each other and ourselves.
Well said Rowena – Serge Benhayon and his family are beautiful role models and points of reflection for bringing a totally different way with relationships – responsibility, tenderness, energetic awareness and not one iota of blame in sight.
I love how they share so openly about the way they communicate and live their typical day and even though not all living in the same house, tend to come together for evening meals.
I love this sharing Michael. Universal Medicine has brought so much magic and constant learning to my life. I can very much relate to the level of reaction that I have to a situation or person etc being a marker of how much I need to look at what this brings up. Living this responsibility allows the potential of a level of harmony in relationships that I never felt was possible. Previous to Universal Medicine I thought that conflict and disharmony was a natural occurrence within relationships. Knowing that it is indeed the opposite has renewed my feelings of wonder and joy about relationships.
This is so true Anne-Marie and there is much appreciation for what has been presented by Universal Medicine and what I have chosen for myself that in turn is shared with others.
We have somehow been conditioned to accept less about relationships, rather than working towards and having loads more joy and fun.
Yes, I agree Marianna, it is as if ‘suffering’ and making heavy weather of relationships is what is passed down through generations as normal and acceptable.
I am with you in the new normal way in relationships, as presented by Universal Medicine of “working towards and having loads more joy and fun”.
What a simply inspiring article. And so much to learn from all the comments. Thank you all. I have for the first time ever, felt deeply loved by my partner who holds me with immense love, honor and respect. This is the most frightening thing for me as I have not felt this for a very long time. This article and all the incredible responses are giving me the tools to take the necessary steps forward into this unknown area, this undiscovered country, as Hamlet has said in his To Be OR NOT TO BE speech, by Shakespeare. Thank God for Serge Benhayon, his awesome family and the Universal Medicine teachings and tools. What an incredible community and supportive, loving, extended family we have in all the wonderful students. Deep appreciation for all of you is what I feel, more and more each day that I come to read the articles and comments. Ultimately, I feel a deep appreciation for me for knowing there was another way and daring to keep looking for it until I found it. There is much work to be done and as Serge Benhayon would say, ‘much love to be done’. So lets get on with it. This article, Nicoles divine photo and her inspirational words are a blessing to me. I can see what is possible through her glorious smile and divinely simple and clear words. I would invite you Nicole to write a book on the subject. I would be the first to read it. Thank you for assisting me to understand the way forward within my own relationships, and the first step is towards myself and to BE WITH myself.
Indeed Michael, everything that happens to us is a reflection of how we are living because nothing happens by chance. This is a great piece of wisdom.
I love what you say here Michael.”the more I react to something the deeper I have to look at what this reflects for me. This is so gorgeous and simple.’ So true Michael, Universal Medicine has inspired me to look at all aspects of my life as a learning. Taking responsibility for my actions and how I am in the world, has connected me to a richness and understanding of myself and others that is deepening day by day.
Well said Michael, I love what you share.
Yes, this is a key for me too.
Reaction = a call to look deeper within myself at whatever is being reflected in that moment.
“A big help for me has been to realise that every moment in my life is a reflection for me, i.e. the more I react to something the deeper I have to look at what this reflects for me”.
I agree Carmel – it is lovely to have relationships where they are about each other learning and growing and not simply blaming the other person for when things go wrong. Rather stopping and taking responsibility for why things have happened. The dynamics of the relationship then change to be focused towards love. When I find myself frustrated with my partner I now stop and say to myself ok what is my part in this, I love my partner and so where are these thoughts coming from? Things then change almost instantly.
That is inspirational for me James, as I am only just recognising that I don’t always look for my part in it when I am frustrated with my husband.
I’m finding it takes a real commitment and effort for myself to stop and reflect when I know the energy isn’t right at the moment. I can see that I’m not practicing this as much as I would like to be, today is another day that I look forward to making this more of my everyday living. Changes that will really get the ‘ball rolling’.
It takes some doing at times I agree Sherryl, to stop when the energy is not right, take a pit stop with one self and check out the energy one is choosing. But it is worth it. I have been able to see just how much I used to sulk and go silent to get my own way, whereas these days I have been able to say ‘No’ to that behaviour, sit and talk things through until we both come to a conclusion we agree on. Revolutionary in the Stewart household.
James the approach that you speak of, starting from the fact that you love your partner, and then questioning where any unloving thoughts have come from, is truly revolutionary. It completely changes the foundation of how we have seen relationships, and the experience of relationships like yours must be completely different from the norm. It must be lovely for you and your partner to live knowing that your starting point is love, rather than having that as a need, or a goal, or something that may be taken away.
This is a great approach James! To actually stop when you realize you are annoyed, frustrated, irritated or whatever emotion it is you feel towards your partner and remember that you love them and to actually question where those thoughts are coming from. As they are certainly not coming from love, there is really no point of giving them any energy what so ever.
Well said, Judith. To stop and question the thoughts or reactions towards another and recognise that they are not loving, gives us the awareness and space to re-connect back to ourselves and what is really going on. A simple formula that really works!
I agree also, stopping and questioning our thoughts is a great way to get an understanding of ourselves and the situation and takes the blame away from the other person or people. It gives a better perspective to look from and an opportunity to feel the truth.
Great comment Judith. I know I have got so caught up in the frustrations and irritations in the past that I have forgot in that moment that I love my partner. Remembering to not feed the loveless thoughts is quite crucial really, otherwise its a bit like feeding the cockroaches while complaining about the infestation!
Absolutely true. Those thoughts may feel very real but they are never true!!
Beautiful James, I agree, as you say its about basing the relationship on love, and not giving energy to anything else.
Thank you James, I really appreciated your expression – the words that spoke to me today are “when I find myself frustrated with my partner I now stop and say to myself ok what is my part in this…” – and I found it caused me to relate to recent incident, not in the relationship of marriage, but in the relationship with grown family that have long flown the nest so to speak – -where the hurt feelings, the pain of rejection and disappointment of being misunderstood can just as easily be felt if we allow the ever rattling of the mind energy to enter the equation. We must take a moment to reflect and as you say “ok what is my part in this” – and to my now growing awareness it is clear that an energy of what is not love has been allowed to enter as a result of the choice to go into reaction and so the spiral of dis-harmony then descends at an alarming rate – almost at the speed of light I find. Oh man! the price we pay for our little dallience with the energy that is not Love.
Too big a price I’d say…
But so often we are prepared to foot the bill…
‘What is my part in this, I love my partner and so where are these thoughts coming from?’ Thank you James, a beautiful pearl of wisdom you’ve shared with us here that can be applied to all relationships.
Thank you for sharing this James, especially your last two sentences as I feel that this can be applied to all relationships and not just intimate partners.
This is a great point James. Why is it that the fact that we love our partner/family member etc goes straight out the window the minute we react to something that was said or is going on? I know for me I never thought about this but rather focussed on what I thought was not ok from. The minute I remind myself, as you do, that I love this person it is impossible for me to hold onto anything less than this and from there it is often so simple to see what truly happened and take responsibility for my part. Imagine if everyone was supported to know this?!
I agree Penny, everything changes when we remind ourselves we love our partner – the reasons we got together and married in the first place brings a quick shift to my awareness and puts a stop to any reactions.
Beautiful James this is actually putting into practice that relationships are about love first and foremost.
Yes, this is true for me James.
I have found asking this question has brought a deeper level of honesty with myself and no longer hold back on asking it as much revealed from it.
“ok what is my part in this”
I agree Carmel that the blame game is the cause of so much destructive behaviour in a relationship, with each person wanting to be right creating further issues and a further separation between them. But to see what is possible in a relationship as shared by Nicole, is so inspirational, and it begins with self responsibility.
Yes Ingrid, and once embraced (self-responsibility) things can move forward so quickly and both partners can feel each other again in their love.
Absolutely Carmel,’ a relationship can be very different when each partner takes full responsibility for dealing with their own issues, and learns a different way to live, a way that creates true harmony’.
This is beautifully expressed Michelle. There is a heaviness and closing down within with the continual cycle of going into rejection, resentment, bitterness and blame – it just keeps everyone totally locked away from the very thing that is being always looked for – love . As the emotions are understood and let go of, we can access love again, waiting patiently for us where it has always been – deep inside.
I have seen it happening with so many couples including my earlier relationships, the “heaviness and closing down” and the blame put on the other. It is very destructive and very draining. Basing relationships on love first and communicating honestly all the time really works.
I agree Maryline – honesty and love are the key ingredients for any true relationship.
Absolutely Carmel blaming others is very destructive. It is beautiful how when we each chose to take responsibility for the part we have and bring to the relationship how the ‘blame game’ seems to not exist. If we ever want to blame someone for something, firs we must look at ourselves and ask what is it we are reacting to, why and what our part in the whole picture has been.
I agree Carmel Reid – in a society where we are brought up to find it perfectly normal to live in constant dramas and reactions, it is truly lovely and very inspirational to know that there can indeed be another way. One of true harmony.
I agree Carmel if we take responsibility for all that comes our way instead of blaming the other, others or the outer circumstances we have a golden paved road laid before of us, as this allows us to see then these moments have constellated and we can make different choicest to not end up in the same situation over and over again. It opens up our perspective on situations bringing clarity and full view.
Absolutely Carmel. We love to look at what the other is or is not doing and focus on that. I am soooo guilty of that. Awareness is one thing, but if it’s not used to look at your own behaviours, then it will get you nowhere.
Beautiful sharing Nicole, truly wonderful that you and your partner were committed to finding another way of being in relationship instead of hanging on to old beliefs and ideals. This statement is so true: ” The way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens.” Once this can be lived, all relationships change, be it with a partner, our kids or friends or anyone. Thank you for sharing,
I agree Karina, we often try everything else under the sun to patch up and fix a gap in belief or a crack in the happy picture, rather than take responsibility for both sides and committing to love above all else.
Beautifully summarized Rebecca! It can all come back rather simply to responsibility, and in that we all have a choice as to how responsible we choose to be, in the awareness that this level of responsibility determines the quality of the relationship with ourselves, and all others.
Yes so true – fixing a relationship from the view that it is broken is one of the biggest and distracting beliefs I’ve used in relationships. This blog and comments remind me of just how simple it is to step back and look at myself and what I have chosen. It takes so much pressure of relationships.
Yes how often do we have an ideal of what a relationship should be and then hold up our current ones and say they don’t work, they must be broken. Choosing to take responsibility means sitting down and sharing, talking, communicating without getting all hot and bothered because your partner’s ideas and feelings don’t match your own. The more I have chosen to actually admit and communicate my own thoughts, ideals, beliefs and expectations without shame or blame, and truly listen to my partner, the deeper and more loving our relationship is becoming. If I can manage to take my agenda out of the picture and stay open to something I had not considered or been aware of, the faster we have been able to discover a true resolution to a situation that leaves us both feeling understood and appreciated. A relationship is no different to any other living thing, it requires constant nurturing to keep it well and healthy.
Wise words Rowena.
I can relate Aimee – when I started taking responsibility for my choices instead of blaming others, I also felt so much less pressure on myself. In addition, I also found that the pressure I both imposed on others and also felt from others, also lessened. I’m nowhere near perfect in this, but it definitely feels a much simpler and freer way to live than the pattern of blame, competition and expectation that I experienced in my relationships (which includes the relationship with myself) previously.
This is a tricky one to identify though, I have found, and an easy one to get trapped in. I know I often catch my self trying to fix aspects of my relationships. It definitely puts press me and the other person and is generally counter-productive and definitely not based on love.
I can totally relate, understanding and responsibility key facts to a loving relationship not only with a partner. This can be applied anyway even with you pets 😉
Yep, pets feel it too – well said Luke.
This is true Luke. Nicole has beautifully shared how precious and important understanding and responsibility is to the actual foundations of our relationships. What is even more beautiful is that these principles are definitely applicable to all our relationships, with everyone from our family and friends, to our work colleagues to even to someone we have just met.
It is great now Mary that you can see that any relationship based on ideals and beliefs cannot flourish. It’s interesting that most relationships including friendships are usually founded on both of these and Nicole’s blog beautifully shares how conflict can arise as a result. Great that we can turn this around.
Agree Shevon. There is so much responsibility in being able to look at the ideals and beliefs that we’ve been fed, acknowledge that they are not true and that we are our own person that deserves the love and acceptance first and foremost.
Very frank sharing Mary. I should think there are very few relationships in this world that are not based on ideals and beliefs and certainly on the idea that one’s partner should give us love and often in the face of some unloving behaviour on our own part. But this is what makes Serge Benhayon’s presentations on the fact that one cannot love another until one has learnt to self-love revolutionary. In my experience, applying this simple principle certainly can make a huge difference in a relationship.
I agree totally Josephine, I feel that there are many relationships in the world that are based on ideals and beliefs. Unfortunately there many people who crave love so much that they are prepared to put up with a relationship based on this premise because they know no other way, and they feel empty or incomplete if they don’t have a partner. This brings us back to loving and building a true relationship with ourselves first, and I agree too, that this seems revolutionary to some. Maybe this is one reason why there is such a high divorce rate, as people look to another to love them, asking them to make US feel something that we are not prepared to feel for ourselves. I for one would choose to be single rather than enter into a relationship based on needs, and looking for my partner to satisfy them. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have taught me that the only true way, is to love myself first, and this would create a strong foundation with which to begin a true relationship with another.
Well said Sandra and I agree and can relate to everything you have expressed.
Very true Josephine and I for one still catch myself bringing in expectations about how my husband should be loving me, what his responsibilities are around the house and home. I love it when I can root them out and nominate them, because these expectations stop me from appreciating all he naturally brings to our relationship and they prevent me from deeply caring for and loving myself. It I am not prepared to love and care for myself, why should I expect anyone else to?
Beautifully expressed Rowena, rooting out the expectations is so cool (although sometimes a little uncomfortable!). and deeply appreciating our partners brings a totally different quality to the relationship too.
‘….because these expectations stop me from appreciating all he naturally brings to our relationship and they prevent me from deeply caring for and loving myself’.
I really like what you have shared Rowena that the focusing on the outside of what your husband ‘should’ be doing or giving you stops you from appreciating and seeing what he is doing and bringing to you! Makes so much sense when it’s laid out in front of you.
I find that when I put these expectations on how others should be treating me I feel the enormous gap in the way I have treated them. When we put expectations on others we feel the pressure we have put on ourselves.
We absolutely need to love and care for ourselves fist. I couldn’t agree more Rowena. For without this, how do we know what is and isn’t true in the relationship?
Rowena I love your honesty and that each person brings a different quality to the relationship. When we let go of expectations we can truly appreciate what we all bring to any relationship in life and that is a major breakthrough for all.
So true Josephine, one can only love another when they have learnt to self-love, and this goes for every single relationship – not just partners. For a long time these were just words and a theory though, until I took those first steps of self-love and discovered what that felt like (amazing!) in my body, and now that love is able to be shared with everyone.
I love this: “The more independent of needing each other we are, the more we bring to our relationship.” This is very true and I have fully experienced this and how wonder-full it felt to be less and less needy, and what a difference that makes in any relationship.
I love this too Karina and Shirley-Ann “The more independent of needing each other we are, the more we bring to our relationship.” Taking responsibility for connecting to the love that I am means I am not needing it from another – very freeing for everyone.
I agree Shirley-Ann, Karina and Deborah – the less needy, the less imposing we are and can bring a different quality to any relationship this way.
Love your blog Nicole……..But……the picture says it all…….such joy radiating from both of you. Truly inspirational.
So true Mary. I too spent my life expecting people to love me first rather than making the effort to love myself and yes, my first marriage ended up on the rocks as well, but no surprise really if I was not willing to take the helm. Choosing to take responsibility, choosing to love myself first has made all the difference and with the loving support of my husband, we are both willing to take the helm and navigate the waters together, learning to ask, to share, to communicate, appreciate and listen with open hearts.
Sounds awesome Rowena, I fully relate to all you have shared; and seeing you two together and hearing you speak and work with each other, it is obvious you are well on the way running an awesome ship together.
So true Rowena – the consciousness that is prevalent in many peoples lives is geared to external approval or recognition first and foremost- a painful merry-go-round, going nowhere except in bringing more pain and distractions to life “expecting people to love me first rather than making the effort to love myself.”
Your choices reflect your living love that is so apparent between you and your husband now – “Choosing to take responsibility, choosing to love myself first has made all the difference and with the loving support of my husband, we are both willing to take the helm and navigate the waters together.”
You are an inspiring ‘new role model’ for all to enjoy.
Well said Karina. It is so true that even if this responsibility and care is lived in the relationship with self and even one other, then that sets the marker for all of our relationships to be about love and only love.
I am with you Mary. If we were taught as children how to honour ourselves and take natural responsibility there would be far less conflict in society and far more regard and deep caring in every relationship.
Golnaz.
What you have said is awesome and so very true. What a difference this world would be in today.
Mary, I can relate to what you share, i also was loaded with ideals and beliefs, looking for the partner that would give me love. I searched high and low until I found my husband. For the first few years in our marriage I was caught up in expecting the love, I was very lucky that I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I was able to breakdown these ideals and beliefs. Really understand that love starts with self love. My marriage is now beautiful and very loving.
Thanks for the reminder… the way we live and the way our relationships are simply comes down to the choices we make, and our ability and willingness to take responsibility for our part in everything that happens. As a parent, I still want to point the finger rather than look at my part but I am learning and working on this.. its a work in progress.
I agree Mary. If we were taught this we wouldn’t then be going into relationships be it with friends or a partner based on wanting our needs to be met by another.