The subtle manipulations in relationships were a complete mystery to me; I thought it was in fact just a part of normal life. I didn’t know what true relationships were like as I had always experienced those that were less than true.
For example, I had a boyfriend who was often on the edge of being physically abusive so I wore clothes he liked just to keep him happy because if he was upset the threat of violence was present. I walked away from this relationship but later chose one where I was controlled emotionally. Looking back I can see clearly how the sulks and the brick wall which appeared around my partner whenever I planned to visit family for a few days were his attempt to keep me at home. I would pander to this control by preparing all his meals for the period I would be away. It never occurred to me at the time to discuss with him the manipulative behaviour within our relationship that we were both party to, and to seek another way together. Alcohol played a part too and he would be more demanding when he chose to drink.
I have attended many Universal Medicine presentations and the relationship groups in particular have been so revealing.
True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.
I have felt my understanding, not only of myself but also of others, is unfolding and this is allowing me to begin to be more honest – knowing any issues or behaviours in a relationship need to be addressed and openly talked about as they affect everybody. I remember when my relationship was breaking down my partner said, “Get some counselling and sort out your problem”. At the time I knew this wasn’t right but I didn’t understand then that teamwork was the key, meeting one another in love and only love, in order to develop a relationship that was true.
Then came the truth from many Universal Medicine students, male and female alike, sharing honestly and openly about the dynamics and subtle manipulations within their relationships. It completely opened up my eyes, ears and everything else to my behaviours and the behaviours of the people around me. The truth I have heard spoken by many students about their own behaviour in relationships unlocked something inside of me – the knowing that I had felt all along but hadn’t understood.
Recently a new colleague arrived at my place of work and we felt quite easy around one another from the start. I could feel that he was anxious in this new job. A week or two passed and I was observing how the relationship between him and myself was developing: he began to make jokes with me and we laughed a lot. Then I could feel a subtle change, an undertone was appearing – I could feel how with his jokes he was making fun of me and putting me down. At first this was so subtle it was almost imperceptible … until it came to a day when the subtlety stopped with a joke that hit me like a hammer.
I felt that in order for our relationship to continue to develop without hurtful behaviours it was important to discuss with him what I was feeling. We sat together and I explained how I could feel the energy of the jokes and that they felt less funny and more hurtful to me as they were directed at me whilst making him feel ok. He welled up with tears; he felt the truth of what I was expressing in that moment.
Seeing my colleague reconnecting to truth and being open to hear my comments was a truly beautiful moment. How many times do we speak but remain unheard?
For him to be willing to accept the power of the spoken word and how it can affect others, whether that be to empower or not, was a step forward in our relationship and one I could not have taken alone. He took a huge step towards me and all others in his willingness to understand.
I now understand the importance of true communication in all relationships. In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it. This of course means communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments, both of my own and others.
I have felt empowered to express in relationships from all the sharings of many Universal Medicine students and feel such an appreciation for this honesty, which allowed me to feel what was at play in this relationship.
Ideals and beliefs learnt from childhood about what it is to be a wife, mother, daughter or son, father, and brother can lead to behaviours in relationships which are neither loving nor truthful.
When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with. In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen.
By JY, UK
Further Reading:
True Relationships – Being Love First, Not Demanding it from Others
Seeking Connection and True Relationships
Relationships – Honouring What is True
One of the many realisations I have had by attending the presentations of Universal Medicine is that if we have a lack of self worth this is going to have a strong influence on how we perceive ourselves and others we interact with. I had no idea I suffered from a lack of self worth, to me life was life to be endured and got through. Now I can look back and see I chose relationships based on my lack of self worth and then wondered why I got myself into situations where I felt I was being controlled and dominated similar to the relationship I had with my father. Rather than say something I internalised my feelings and let things slide until my body said enough is enough and I walked away. Building self confidence to listen to what my body wants to communicate changes everything. I have discovered that our minds constantly lie and it is our bodies that hold the intelligence so now if something doesn’t feel right in my body, that’s it, I’m not going to listen to the thoughts that come from my mind telling me otherwise.
This is so true Elizabeth yesterday was the first day at work for 10 days and within 30 mins someone dropped a bomb of anxiousness into the working day. It gave me an opportunity to discover that in the time away from work my levels of anxiety had greatly reduced. I felt the anxiety and realised that I didn’t have to accept what had been dropped into the working day. I observed and didn’t react which was amazing, I was able to stay steady throughout the day and not get involved in the politics of the office but to just observe the changing dynamics and how we can play off each other to escalate a situation into a complication or a drama to justify our reactions with each other.
Attending the relationship works shops of Universal Medicine are so revealing as the space that is provided allows everyone to open up and be honest about their lives and the types of relationships we are all having. The biggest relationship we will ever have is with ourselves and more often than not we leave ourselves out of the equation by focusing more on getting our needs met or pandering. I have discovered the more I build a relationship with me the more positive affect this has on all my relationships. And yet we have been taught the complete opposite which makes no sense to me.
Remaining observant, caring and not allowing any abusive interaction with another, brings with our presence awareness and love to any relationship or encounter we may have.
Finding our way around relationships so we understand what happens when we present the truth of what we are feeling is such a breath of fresh air as most of us just blatantly lie about what we are Truly-feeling.
Greg, I had an opportunity with a new work colleague, who is now the manager, to present the truth. I could feel that he was uncertain how to approach me because of the experience I have in the industry I work in and with the company. I could sense that he was uncomfortable and didn’t know how to cope. So I explained in a phone call that I’m 65 that the company wants someone young that can take over from me when I am asked to retire. That I have no issues with him as the manager. He was so relieved by my words because he said he felt very awkward. If we talk openly with one other with no emotional attachment it makes life so much easier and everyone feels supported.
Since attending Universal Medicine events and being a part of the student body I can say all of my relationships have grown. Far grander and loving than anything I experienced beforehand.
My understanding of what constitutes a relationship has changed dramatically in the last 5 or so years. I used to think that a relationship was something that predominantly happened between two people and was ‘good’ if those two people ‘got on’ for most of the time. I now understand that we are in constant relationship with ourselves and the quality of that relationship is reflected back to us through our relationship with not only with other people but with other things (e.g. technology, driving and cooking etc). How grande and all encompassing are our relationships therefore? And in all of our relationships, all roads lead back to us.
Absolutely Leigh, expanded beyond any-thing that would be considered to be a part of what is available for any relationship.
‘True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school’ I agree it currently isn’t but gosh from working with young people can definitely say in order to support them it should be, or even better taught from when really young through a way of livingness (parents/carer/guardian living this) .
How completely awesome that you have gone from not being able to express how you feel in relationships to being able to do this, in a way which is both loving for yourself and the other person. I can wholeheartedly say Universal Medicine have taught me the truth of relationships and shown me what a true relationship is including the relationship with myself. My understanding and development with this is always continually unfolding and from this my relationships are now better than they have ever been.
When we have a relationship with alcohol our discussions deteriorate into meaning-less expression that eliminates True expression and holds us in a way that we can think we are being open but in my experience we have our blinkers on when we use any substance to take the so called edge off.
“knowing any issues or behaviours in a relationship need to be addressed and openly talked about as they affect everybody’, not only that but until the root cause is addressed and healed then our issues and behaviours will continue to play out in all of our relationships.
JY your description of one of your relationships brought back a memory of one of mine. My partner would routinely get incredibly frustrated at me and at others and rather than address this I would become quieter and more submissive, in an attempt to avoid receiving a dose of frustration that at times tipped into aggression. But in all honesty my partner was only able to deliver what I was prepared to receive. And I was prepared to receive what I did due to my chronic lack of self worth. As a result of my self worth growing exponentially in recent years I no longer tolerate behaviour like this from anyone anymore.
JY you have hit the nail on the head when you say ‘True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us’. I would say that it is absolutely normal for society as a whole to not express the truth. I would go even further and say that we are actively covering up the truth. But we are all so used to doing this that the rubbish that we spout has become what we’re all used to and so it doesn’t stand out for the rot that it is.
To deepen the love in a relationship requires a commitment to call out any manipulative and controlling behaviour and that includes within ourselves too, in fact the more I become aware of behaviours that are not from love within myself, the more I see them in others.
Yes and this is not always an easy thing to do or should I say a ‘comfortable’ thing to do but worth doing and needed as what we do not lovingly call out within ourselves and others will never be healed and add to the current mess in the world #nothingchanges
Expressing how we feel is an invitation to others to be equally open and honest with themselves and others in how they feel.
Without universal medicine I had no idea of potential mine or with another, understanding more about the true me means I can see the absolute potential in all encounters.
“True communication within relationships is not something we are taught” I agree, it feels so awkward to have those moments where we can feel something needs to be spoken up about but we don’t. Holding in the words creates a tension and a sense of stagnation within, which is very uncomfortable. Sometimes even when we speak very lovingly to others they can still react, but at least the opportunity it has been given to honestly look at life and consider making more loving choices.
Gently and honestly sharing how we are feeling offers a strong foundation for every relationship.
It is important to discuss what we are feeling, so we have to first be connected to our bodies, so we are aware of what our body is communicating to ourselves, ‘True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.’
‘I remember when my relationship was breaking down my partner said, “Get some counselling and sort out your problem”. Isn’t just astounding how we see other people as the problem and not actually ourselves … like it is far easier to blame the other person right! Universal Medicine have taught me so much that I have I have been able to put into practice and from this my relationship with myself has deepened and my relationships with all other including my family has blossomed. It actually feels really good to be accountable for how we feel and take responsibility for our choices, it is far more empowering than pointing the finger of blame at another.
‘In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen.’ This is really lovely, I can feel that we often brought up to be ‘nice’ and ‘polite’ rather than to be honest and true. I am learning to be more open and honest and to simply express what I am feeling, rather than trying to say the right thing; this feels so much more simple and freeing.
The roles we play in our relationships only become the norm because we have allowed them to be. Seeing and accepting that we have chosen abuse in our relationships means we can change that abuse to being treated with the respect and dignity we deserve. It means seeing our role we are playing – our investment in it and making the necessary changes to change the norm from living abusively towards ourselves to living love.
Deepening honesty in relationships leads to true relationships when both are willing to go there….and we don’t have to wait for another to continue deepening our own relationship with ourselves which ripples out to all other relationships.
I feel the same, that it is important to communicate honestly and lovingly with ourselves and another for healthy relationships.
Yes, all relationships give us an opportunity to deepen, we learn so much from staying present and just observing.
We are given opportunity after opportunity to deepen the constellated relationships we find ourselves in. It is never any coincidence the person we bump into on the street, the partner we meet and end up living with, work colleague who just keeps pressing our buttons etc that are a part of our daily life and when we become aware and realise this, no relationship is insignificant.
So much is said in the way we speak to one another, it is not just the words, but the energy behind the words that is there to feel and read. We often manipulate meanings, tone, etc for our own agenda. And often we smile and act like what is said does not feel like. a stab in the back, or a slap in the face. We can use words like daggers, and often walk away with no responsibility chosen.
We honour ourselves and others when we express what we have felt is the truth of the situation.
I enjoyed reading this today and inspired to bring more love and truth to my relationships.
I have found this in my relationships; ‘any issues or behaviours in a relationship need to be addressed and openly talked about as they affect everybody.’ I used to hold back because I didn’t like confrontation but I found this hard as I would not deal with things that needed to be dealt with. I have learnt recently to talk about how I am feeling – to be honest and true and this feels amazing and gives me confidence in myself.
JY, I can feel the truth in what you are sharing here; ‘this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.’ It makes sense why so many people find it hard to openly and honestly express how they are feeling and what is really going on. It feels really important to encourage these skills from young.
Crazy that true communication within relationships is actually quite rare, you only need to turn your tele on and look at one of the many TV channels to see drama all communicating to each other in such a derogatory negative way.
The ideals and beliefs that we carry around with us literally prevent us from seeing all that is beautiful within us.
Letting go of ideals and beliefs is a very wise choice.
We can support each other on such a big, grand wonderful scale or we can destroy one other, the choice is always ours. What kind of work environments do we want to work in? The companionship, the respect and holding that is available when we open up to one and other and be prepared to develop our work relationships can be amazingly out of this world.
If we got taught true relationships at school by people who where themselves in true relationships then we would be looking at systems that worked. Instead we have a system that is broken and why? – because we made it about everything else rather then true connection with another.
Amazing You, Amazing Him, amazing when we begin to honour that we feel energy and that so much more is delivered than just words, we are sensitive beings and if we do not be honest about how we feel, we are harmed and hurt and this holds us back.
Ideals and beliefs can be so very poisonous, we are amazing beings, yet we often live much less then the love we are, and why – because we have fallen for pictures that do nothing but serve the illusion and keep us from our glory.
When we say ‘yes’ to love, games simply do not exist, only a pulling up to be more of the great love we are. This is what true relationships are about.
And sadly this is often not taught at home either. True communication is a basic foundation for all relationships and if we haven’t mastered this, it could be a struggle to develop a successful and loving relationship.
It is awesome you expressed how you felt and supported your colleague to feel the truth of what you shared JY. So often we play being ‘nice’ and avoid expressing how we truly feel to not rock the boat. This doesn’t evolve our relationships, it keeps us stuck on a superficial level and we miss out on learning and evolving.
Sometimes holding a would be perpetrator in love and being absolutely honest we can turn a potentially dangerous or harmful situation into one of healing.
I do understand this, I have observed how seething angry people can begin to feel different and not react so much when we hold it and do not feed the fury. No pandering, no hiding, no placating but holding Love is powerful.
“This of course means communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments, both of my own and others.”
Love this, appreciation breaks through so many barriers.
I have recently been witnessing the end result of people choosing to use abusive behaviour just slide at its inception. Just as observed in this blog small acts when not stopped can escalate to something far more ugly and painful. This is very much like all aspects of life, when we ignore something that is there for us to face, it will keep coming back and it will keep getting louder until we finally get the message! And this story shows how every such situation in relationships is equally significant in the opportunity it offers for learning to both parties. How much wiser as shown here to let love lead the way and express.
I also feel how crucial it is to observe and to come from an understanding of ourselves and others because the moment we are in judgement, whatever we’ll communicate will be felt as imposing for the other involved.
“Get some counselling and sort out your problem” unfortunately this statement is often the state of play in our relationships. One person realises there must be more to life and a relationship but the other thinks everything is fine the way it is. So, it must be that persons’ fault because they are unhappy with the way things are. Being open and honest with each other will work wonders in a relationship but you have to be bothered enough to make the effort.
I love you sharing JY as how often do we let things go by, making excuses for ourselves or others and all the while becoming more withdrawn and/or protected? It takes a lot of love to share how we are feeling with honesty and openness, without blame or wanting to hurt the other back. And it is deeply healing when we communicate in this way, for ourselves but also for those we are communicating with.
I like this, how we can give potency and intent to all of our relationships, with each one having the true potential for something great.
“True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school” Forget GCSE or whatever they use to measure our intelligence if we don’t have basic honest communication then society turns in on itself and we are all left with the dire consequences.
Sam my first proper job after leaving school was at a massive telecommunications research centre where there were thousands of incredibly intelligent and highly educated people. But what struck me about many of the people that worked there was the overall lack of social skills and ability to communicate about anything other than work. I don’t think that this example is uncommon, in fact I think that feeling discomfort when talking in any kind of depth with one another is actually the norm. It makes many of us feel incredibly uncomfortable and yet it’s what so many of us truly crave. To see and be seen.
Thank you for sharing how you re-imprinted all your relationships when you had the courage to speak to your colleague about how it felt to be on the receiving end of his ‘jokes’. In allowing him to feel the impact of his behaviour you offered both of you the potential to express in truth moving forward and reflect that to all your colleagues.
When we start to see our work colleagues as family the relationship and quality of work goes to a whole new level.
‘The truth I have heard spoken by many students about their own behaviour in relationships unlocked something inside of me – the knowing that I had felt all along but hadn’t understood.” We always know innately what is going on in a deeper or energetic level. But without anyone supporting us in bringing awareness to it, it would stay nothing more then a nudge or feeling lingering somewhere in the back of us. And so the more of us we share with all around us, the more awareness can be brought out in others. This is the key to changing our ways and eventually changing the world.
Yep until such time as we are all openly claiming the love that we are, which will also be the time that our lives become a living testament to the God that’s within us and all through us. One Life, One People, One God.
Carolien, I agree with you we do know what is occurring on a deeper level and when someone confirms what has been felt it is such a relief in our bodies because there have been so many times we have not been met or understood to the point where we can give up on life and withdraw. I know this was the decision I took as a child because I felt ignored. It wasn’t until I met Serge Benhayon and attended the workshops of Universal Medicine that I start to feel that I had a place in the world and could express what was there to be expressed and be heard.
Caolien what you have said here is so true
“We always know innately what is going on in a deeper or energetic level. But without anyone supporting us in bringing awareness to it, it would stay nothing more then a nudge or feeling lingering somewhere in the back of us.”
What I’m constantly finding is that when we are in the mud all we can sense and feel is the mud. It takes someone who is out of the mud to bring awareness to the situation we are in, when we have that awareness then we can get ourselves out of the mud. Which brings to mind the saying that we save ourselves, no one can do this for us, but it makes a huge difference when we are supported to climb out of the mud and then we can support others to climb out too.
There is a huge amount of power in talking about things as and when they come up, and not letting any issues go unspoken about or unresolved. In this way nothing can build up, and disagreements about ‘what really happened’ are diminished.
Thanks for your contribution Susie your words have supported me to realise that pandering to people and letting things slide is a recipe for disaster because by letting things slide it can and does build up a feeling of resentment.
i have been in a few potentially dangerous situations in my life and I know that it was the way I stayed very centred in myself and communicated from that place that allowed me to stay out of serious trouble.
This is so inspiring JY. I love how you opened to your colleague by stating how it was for you. You could have chosen to stay in a place of victim, but by speaking up you offered both of you a healing. Very beautiful.
Counselling can be really supportive to a couple who are going through a difficult time but I feel that having counselling together is the way to go.
When we stand in our truth we offer the other to join us there in their equal truth.
I have often contemplated what you have shared here about how you expressed with your colleague how you were feeling. I find that inspiring and can feel that at times I try to cover up how I feel and add to the joke instead of sharing how it made me feel.
“When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with. ” – I would add that we are in relationship with every single person on this planet (in both physical and non-physical form) , all of Nature on Earth, and every other planet, star, and being that exists in the Universe. The reach of our expressions are endless.
Michael it’s really interesting what you have written because years ago I watched science program hosted by Brian Cox an English physicist, explain how everything is interrelated just as you are describing. It is all to do with our particles we are all made up of the same particles which are found in the universe and unbeknown to us our particles travel all around the universe as well as being in side of us. how cool is that!
What I am learning is the importance of holding people in the divineness of who they are and valuing and cherishing them in this and then when things are not in line with this, from the love that you know them to be, asking questions or supporting them to come back to this.
A beautiful tale and it shows the power of communication. How often do we stay silent about how we feel only to have it accumulate into toxic poison.
far too often!
Yes and hold many unresolved tensions that serves or supports no one in the long run.
I agree Nikki and is it then possible that the toxic poison you speak of then manifests in our bodies as illness and disease?
When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with.” This is very true and when we really let ourselves feel it and live it we realise that it brings a greater sense of responsibility to every interaction we have.
“True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.” This is huge when you express it like this, without true communication going on in our homes we are left already way behind life’s starting line.
It has been coming into my awareness lately that there are so many things that don’t feel quite right in the world but we just simply don’t consider talking about it in a constructive way, as complaining we do a lot but it is not always leading to change as it is more a reaction not an open honest questioning.
In the example given, you can often be seen as the party pooper if you put a stop to someone’s mocking that comes in the form of joking around. But we all know it doesn’t feel right and when we stay silent we give permission for it to continue.
Yes we need to stay clear of these energies because if we entertain them, indulge them in any way we are contributing to the might of their insidious influence.
True Lieke,as if it isn’t within our reach to change or question something and of course it is easier to complain than to feel the responsibility we have to speak about what doesn’t feel quite right as we are all contributing to what is not right in the world if we stay silent.
Sharing our vulnerability is very important with men as well as with women. Sometimes we can’t directly share with someone (so there is lots to appreciate when we can) but we still have to express these feelings and we can find all other ways to do so. Such as writing, recording, sharing with another you can trust, or even talking to myself, it is precious to not ignore these feelings, crucial in fact.
Thank you, for that is rich in truth, sharing the dynamic of expression; wether we express from our fullness of what we feel or hold it (partly) back. This reveals to us how important it is to pay attention to detail when it comes down to expression and communication.
Ideals and beliefs prevent us from being in the flow of true relationship.
I realise that even if I am at home alone I am still in relationship with everyone on this planet because the quality in which I move and how I feel affects everyone. I may not see or feel the effects straight away but in our world of energy there are no walls and every choice we make has an impact on humanity. Understanding this, I am more open to taking responsibility for how I move and express myself and the fact that we are constantly in relationship with ourselves and everyone 24/7, this means we are all deeply connected one way or another.
Thank you for exposing how there is never ‘off’ time in our relationship with everyone else, even if we live alone, as I do, all our movements impact ourselves and others.
How liberating it is for all involved when we call abuse to question in any relationship we are in. For in saying ‘no’ to abuse we are saying ‘yes’ to love, to love being the foundation in which the relationship will develop, to the love we all deserve to grow and live with. With an openness to the truth and being honest with ourselves and each other, we are open to being more of who we really are in all our relationships.
Reading this blog was inspiring in that it reminded me of many times that I could have shared a similar observation with people in a non-judgemental way that had the potential to allow them to feel the impact of their choices and make changes based on that. The good news is that its never too late to communicate in full without holding back, because it’s actually judgemental and not fair to think that the other person can’t handle the news or will not like you for it. We don’t know what will happen until we go for it and express in full, and many times it works out better than imagined, as it did for JY.
It was very loving of you both to yourself and to your colleague to express as openly and clearly as you did. We often don’t realise how abusive it is for us to accept or allow abuse, for anyone abusing another is also abusing themselves by allowing that expression through them and behaving in that manner.
Brilliantly expressed Nicola, what you’ve shared is so true. We first have to disconnect from ourselves and from love to be able to allow abuse to come through and to accept abuse as OK. When we can feel abuse and do not call it out or put a stop to it, we are in fact saying yes to the abuse. Also, by staying silent allows abuse to develop and further harm us and others.
Yes and the word itself contains a clue – it is the a & b of being used.
Wow, everyone we meet and interact with means we also have a relationship with them, this is super awesome. It makes sense and this also means every meeting is an opportunity to express love, to be who we are and to be open.
” When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with. ”
This is very true and every encounter has a purpose and understanding , which we will receive if we are open and embracing of whats on offer.
True communication is not often shared enough. Certainly not in schools – certainly not in the workplace. But knowing what I know about communication – about having open and honest conversations with people, it has become a natural responsibility to reflect this to those around me – to share this with my children so they know what communication can be like.
JY, I love what you are sharing here about teamwork, this feels like the true and loving way for relationships to be – working together on what ever comes up, ‘I didn’t understand then that teamwork was the key, meeting one another in love and only love, in order to develop a relationship that was true.’
It is true – we come to feel that in fact our relationships are based on energy more than anything else. To see and observe within our own lives what it is that we have introduced and allowed the foundation of our relationship to be. Does it originate from a full true and loving foundation or possibly did it come with: momentary lack, comparison, compromise, holding back, ideals and beliefs, judgement, manipulation, jealousy etc. etc.?
Great moment to ponder, as if it is, then we must change our relationships to what we truly want, so that we can expand our relationships from a true and loving foundation.
In this context ” – knowing any issues or behaviours in a relationship need to be addressed and openly talked about as they affect everybody.” I feel it takes great responsibility to express it as things come up because every relationship is at a certain stage. My experience is if I want to deepen the relationship I deepen it with my self first in how I want it to be.
This is beautiful to read and makes me realise that being polite and ‘nice’ in relationships isn’t a true way to be in relationship with others; ‘In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it.’
I love the sharing that you offer as so often we just accept, brush off or laugh along with comments like this but it is great to learn to express how we actually feel about situations.
This is a beautiful photo of two hands. Quite touching.
“True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, ” True communication in our societies unfortunately is not our norm, if you look at the way we speak to one and other it is often not coming from a true unifing way, communication to date has been mainly about our own needs and having them met rather then feeling what is needed and true for all.
I have experienced and observed how it is often usual in relationships for families to not truly communicate with each other, to not be open, transparent and honest and that instead there can often be holding back of the truth and of expressing and as a result many things going unsaid and being unresolved, so I would agree with you here JY; ‘this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.’
Part of the beauty of true relationships is allowing for the ‘poison’ to rise to the surface in either or each party so that it may be healed and we can move on from that ill behaviour or belief that has imprisoned us. This done with no condemnation or judgement is the way forward for us in our relationships with each other.
JY, this is great that you expressed how you felt about the hurtful jokes your colleague was making, what a blessing for him and you and how beautiful if we simply expressed what we were feeling to each like this rather than holding onto hurts and bitterness.
It’s amazing that we don’t stop to discuss the manipulative behaviour and just keep twisting ourselves into a pretzel to accommodate. Knowing what real love feels like helps stop this socially normalised behaviour and set some solid boundaries for ourselves and others.
When the spoken word is expressed from connection to ourselves and from a love lived way it comes from an energy that supports another to feel the truth it is delivered in.
“for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; ” and the true foundation for every relationship is to build a relationship of true love with ourselves.
To appease another or compromise what we have already felt only delays the outplay of tension and conflict. What we have ignored and overridden will simply arise again in another situation for us to repeat the same choice or deal with it in a more loving way.
Its also important to realise that people can be unconsciously hurtful and it needs to be brought to their attention so they have an opportunity to become conscious of the hurt they are inflicting.
So true John and it is common to use jokes as a way to put someone down and this never feels loving and it hurts us even more when we do nothing about it.
In the past little demeaning jokes have been the accepted norm from others, as we see it as harmless fun, but when you allow yourself to feel what’s behind it, you can feel how it sneakily squashes and reduces the person being joked about and is very disrespectful to who we are in truth.
When we share with others our experiences of life and what we have learned from them, the lessons can be equally as profound for them as they were for us.
One could say that nearly all our relationships in the world today are entirely based on manipulation and games. We hide behind abuse be it obvious or subtle and abuse needs to be qualified as anything that is said or done to stop us from shining as we truly are. Considering the levels of illness and disease, wars and corruption in the world we must look seriously at the relationships behind them.
If true True communication within relationships was taught in schools and we if did have role models around us who walked this love then our whole society would be different instead of emotional hardship and pain we could all be living close to one and other appreciating all that the other brings.
Being able to be with another and not bring any ideals, beliefs, expectations or needs, just us in our naturalness and love, is the biggest gift we can bring to another because in this truth they are able to have the space to feel more of themselves also, and this for all is a huge reflection of love and a move back to true expression for a greater purpose.
JY, I very much agree with this; ‘knowing any issues or behaviours in a relationship need to be addressed and openly talked about as they affect everybody.’ I have found that if I do not talk about issues that arise in my relationships then this can lead to bitterness and resentment and that the issue can build, I have found it very important to talk about what is going on and how I feel rather than staying quiet and holding it in.
It is so true that communication is very important in any relationship. I am finding at the moment that especially being really clear in what I am wanting to say and making sure that what I am saying or writing is really expressing that and not less or in a complicated way. In this way making sure people can understand me.
So often in relationships we try and blame the other, it is their issue that needs dealing with and then everything will be fine, but as you say there are two in a relationship and dealing with issues is a team activity – how do both contribute to the situation, for even if one is putting up a wall or being demanding, the other might be accepting of that, allowing and not speaking up or even seeking that pattern in the relationship because they feel more comfortable being small and lesser in the relationship rather than stepping up.
This is a beautiful reminder of the potential to constantly deepen the communication between people in relationships and to bring more and more awareness to the ways in which we seek to control and manipulate situations.
If we base our relationships on security and not love, then manipulation will play a big part in how we relate to each other.
The fallacy of what relationships should like today or how they should be, often involves abuse being accepted as ‘normal’. In allowing self-abuse and the abuse of others to exist in our lives we forgo exploring true relationships, where truth and love are what allow us to be who we are, so that we can grow and evolve together. Thank you for bringing to our attention that there is a way we can embrace true relationships, and that we are the ones responsible for returning the meaning of true relationship as ‘normal’, a marker that represents and honors us all.
I remember when I was in an abusive relationship where a huge part of me felt like I had no way out. I felt totally sucked into the abuse thinking I was powerless to do anything but this was not true. I was not prepared to stand up to the abuse due to fear and from there it felt like a prison that was invisible. What I realise was how my thoughts played a huge part in creating this invisible prison. Now, I realise I had always had a choice to choose love or abuse.
It is very true that we can be making compromises and arrangements all the time in our relationships without ever uttering a word. It is a great lesson to learn speaking what is felt between us in each moment as the most subtle of non verbal communication can either be love or not.
Sharing in truth is so important in relationships. We had an example today at work with staff where we had a conversation with someone about responsibility and how important it is not to react to things. And the whole conversation was amazing – it was huge and really made us all appreciate how if we don’t express truth in a relationship then the tiniest thing can seem huge.
It’s beautiful to feel how your willingness to express how you felt about your colleague’s jokes enabled him to connect with what was really going on and allowed you both to express at a deeper level. The reflection of this in your workplace will have been felt by all and is so needed as the way we communicate or so often choose to hold back is to the detriment of all.
It confirms how supportive it is to express how we feel without any reaction or blame but just saying it as it is.
I was inspired by when you shared how you truly felt to your colleague about his jokes – when we express in full and have no reservation about what may happen, true magic does happen whether it seems ‘good or not, at least the truth is out there. And I don’t mean that we should be openly criticising each other, because too often too we express the things which are troublesome rather than whole hearted and appreciative love – which if expressed fully would make the complications much easier to deal with.
JY this is beautiful, wow what an example to set. How many of us in the work place allow little remarks to go left unnoticed? I love what you have shared, open and honesty is the absolutely only way forward.
Something important that is raised in this blog, which I can very much relate to, is how often times when there is truth to be spoken, wether it be with family or friends or work colleagues, we can hold back from expressing it. I am sure there are many different reasons why we do this, but perhaps the most important thing to remember is that we do know the truth and to simply just start from there.
This statement brings truth for me ‘an opportunity to share the truth with another’. I was finding I was torn to present this by my own ideals and beliefs of how I had to be with partners but also with managers or people of ‘higher’ work status.
Over time and in developing my own expression, I am realising the importance of bringing the truth not only once but consistently. And in that consistency people are either going to feel supported and become more aware of their own behaviours or in some of my experiences they don’t want to take the responsibility and accept the part they play in it.
‘True communication within relationships is not something we are taught…’ This is so true JY unless we have it role modelled by others close to us. However, true communication can be a rare thing and most of us flail around in this area. Speaking open and honestly without emotion to another (even in our hurt) with clear communication is an art and a skill that does need to be developed. Self-awareness and awareness of another is key.
Putting up with abuse in relationships highlights where we are allowing abuse in the relationship with ourselves first. If we held ourself as totally precious and honoured that in each moment with how we are with ourselves, there is no way that we would stand for another treating us any less than that.
I am learning it is always about the quality I am in what counts and there should be no distinction in one relationship or another, every encounter with someone is worth to get who I truly am.
I am getting to feel that all relationships are just as important as the next one. It’s all about love and not who we express that with. Every relationship offers us the opportunity to learn how to be our selves and stay open with others. It is surprising sometimes when we take the plunge and express a deeper truth what can happen. If we don’t we can allow an untruth to continue and grow.
This blog reminds me how important it is to read the energy behind what another is saying, that the words spoken are one thing but the energy behind the words can be a completely different thing. We all feel the energy behind what is said and the more we are honest about this the more we can open up and feel safe to express ourselves in any relationship.
When I first started being involved in relationship workshops I was amazed at the level of honesty that was on offer, over time I realised that it was okay to express what I was truly feeling and this has gradually been becoming my way of life. It was beautiful how you were able to express from love to your workmate, how you were feeling about his jokes, and he in turn was able to hear you and connect to that inner part of himself.
I feel the same JY, it wasn’t until I started being a part of similar conversations via Universal Medicine that I came to understand what I thought of as normal was actually tantamount to abuse. What we grow up with influences us enormously, setting the tone for ‘normality’ and how we subsequently ‘do life’. How wonderful it is to have the opportunity to see these behaviours for what they are, and work to change them accordingly.
It’s so important what you’ve shared about there being appreciation in EVERY relationship; we shouldn’t just share with our families or partners the amazing things about life, them, the relationship etc., but we massively hold back from appreciating with colleagues, fellow students, friends and strangers because of how closed off we’ve allowed society and our communities to become.
Being able to share openly in a relationship is such a simple tool yet as you shared JY near the start of the piece, not one we always use For if something is not right for us how often do we sulk or pander or squash ourselves to fit in, when in fact dialogue and sharing feelings is the answer. And if the partner consistently does not want this, then we probably know we have our answers as to whether this relationship is right for us.
It is worth examining, in minute detail, every subtlety we bring to our relationships – every nuance of expression, every tone of voice. Catching ourselves when we employ a less than loving tone with others; registering the abuse that happens to us that we have normalised.
Truth is the most important thing to me in a relationship, and sometimes that means tension if truth not be told, and that might be something another is going that upsets us, or we feel is hurtful or disregarding of them or the connection between us. And usually by being honest and truthful the tension passes quickly and it is replaced by a much deeper connection. Of course love is there in all relationships too, but for me, love is only there if truth is too.
This is a great sharing in being open and honest about how you feel and saying something about it. I loved hearing JY about how you spoke to your colleague and how he made you feel with his jokes. This is something I can learn from. It can be easy to stay quiet and let things roll over, but this does not support the situation. Speaking truly brings truth to both parties.
yes its true that when parents don’t communicate with love towards each other, the kids pick up on this and think that is normal. its crazy how poor communication styles can be passed onto so easily. Its important that we break this cycle, and each loving imprint makes difference.
This willingness to be open is very beautiful because with it you bring everyone along with you in to a more honest way of living with each other through life which ultimately has to be more supportive for everyone to learn and grow together, so no one gets left behind or forgotten.
Wow, this is a beautiful sharing. It is amazing what you express to your colleague and how he responded. Most of the time people do appreciate it when we express the truth. To not be afraid to express truth is a deeply loving offering for ourselves and others.
There are so many situations where we are not aware of what we say in the way how the other receives it due to the undertone that comes with what we are saying, or we are somewhat aware but keep going as nobody calls it out and we are caught in this behaviour. So as you show it is super important to express in honesty with each other, otherwise we keep ourselves trapped in behaviours we do not really want.
I know there is a much deeper level of self-acceptance there to be chosen in each moment and relationship. Sometimes I feel very vulnerable saying things especially in the work arena. I can hide behind a reaction rather than embrace being fragile and transparent. It’s saying no to the negative chatter in my head about what is and isn’t acceptable when I know expressing from my whole beingness, my whole body brings intimacy.
The ability to express ourselves fully in each moment is a great indicator of a true relationship without any threat of retaliation or come back.
If we leave anything unaddressed in any relationship it is unhealthy and can create illness and dis-ease in our bodies. What I am feeling and understanding more and more is it is not about having ‘perfect’ relationships but instead ones that are loving, inspiring, caring and evolving and we need to let go of pictures, expectations and needs that we have with regards to relationships. I feel we definitely need to be taught and teach more about relationships both at home and at school for our relationship and how we relate to both ourselves and others is a really important part and foundation for our life and not something that should be easily dismissed. It is also taking responsibility for our part in all our relationships, not blaming the other but instead lovingly looking at what we are bringing (or not) to them and what needs to be changed. It is really lovely to hear how you have evolved in your expression with relationships including standing up to abuse no matter how small it may seem like with your college at work and I love what you have shared here ‘In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it. This of course means communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments, both of my own and others.’
Is so crazy we get taught maths, English, Science extra from an early age yet we don’t get taught how to truly communicate honestly with one and other, I am sure the world illness and disease rate would be halted if we could only a. be honest with ourselves and b. be truly honest with others.
It is very powerful to be considering truth in relationships whatever the relationship is, it is possible to start to build this foundation
I now understand the importance of true communication in all relationships. In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it. This is truly a great step towards true communication in relationships and certainly feels very beautiful to read. I love this example of how honesty in the moment can open it up for all.
If we grow up in an environment that is less than honest and far from true how can we be expected to know (even though we do know) that it is not normal. We can go years playing unnecessary hurtful games unless we get to a point where true expression can come through and start healing the hurts and show us where we truly stand. It is sometimes so much easier to keep quiet and not express how we feel to avoid the real issue or not hurt someones feelings but it never works out the better option if truth hasn’t been expressed.
Re-visiting this blog and these words really stood out for me ‘It never occurred to me at the time to discuss with him the manipulative behaviour within our relationship that we were both party to, and to seek another way together’ – how is it that we just accept what another is dishing out, as if it was an accepted way to be together in a relationship, without questioning or raising concerns.
It seems that there has been a serious break down in the way we communicate to each other, and how we accept giving abuse to each other, and not only with our words but in what we do not say and how we move. Clearly as this blog demonstrates that open and honest communication is the way to break down these insidious ideals and beliefs we run with. Very inspiring JY.
Such an inspiring story of how you expressed what was needed without fear of the outcome, which is for me often the reason why I can hold back.
No one’s silenced us, we’ve put the gaffa tape over our own mouths.
When we express in a relationship or be in one with no “need” that is when things get truly clear and loving.
Without true communication and honesty we begin to see relationship breakdowns, holding back and tensions felt. This not only hinders our growth and expression but holds others in this way too. Being honest and speaking our truth will unlock many relationship woes and bring a greater clarity to all relationships we encounter thereafter.
‘…the power of the spoken word and how it can affect others, whether that be to empower or not…’ Yes, we should not under-estimate the impact of the energy behind the words we deliver. Are we speaking from love, or bringing through something ugly? These things matter, enormously so.
We learn a lot from the reflection of each other – both what is true and what is not true.
One of the simplest and most powerful understandings that I have come to is that I have to have a clear relationship with myself for this be any possibility of a true relationship with anyone else… I know it sounds really obvious but upon this is the foundation for all my interactions.
“Ideals and beliefs learnt from childhood about what it is to be a wife, mother, daughter or son, father, and brother can lead to behaviours in relationships which are neither loving nor truthful.” Never is this revealed more than at this time of year when many families come together for the Christmas holidays. Learning to stay true to oneself, to communicate and express is vital.
Lack of communication = start of relationship issues. Even if there is a disagreement on something, communication is super important for ensuring that only differing understandings can be worked through, accepted and understood.
JY, this is GOLD: “In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen.” – the simplicity of expressing how we feel to another, no holes barred – this is what develops intimacy and then allows the relationship to deepen on all levels.
To share what our vulnerabilities are without judgment or manipulation can indeed allow another to feel their own vulnerabilities and how they may not be behaving in a truly loving way.
I too no longer see the word relationship as meaning only with partner. It is true that we have soooo many relationships, even when we think we barely know a person, we still have a relationship with them. I find that when I consider that we are in relationship with everyone at any given moment, then it makes me realise how calculated I am with people. How much I’m willing to be vulnerable or be myself will depend on how much of myself I’m willing to let others see. What if we weren’t so controlling, what if we were the same with everyone, imagine the decline in emotional and manipulative game playing there would be!!
Yesterday at work I shared with a colleague who I hardly know how incredibly tender I was feeling. My colleague struggled to understand what i meant and asked if I meant that I was ‘sore’. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t totally understood, it was that I surrendered into how I was feeling and shared the truth of how I felt with someone I hardly knew that mattered to me. Transparency is the key, we’ve all been so incredibly hidden for such a long time, it’s time to come out of hiding.
What a gift it is to allow all relationships to develop and strengthen. These words are very inspiring JY, thank you;
“In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen”.
Love in relationships is something we often consider to be only shared among family members or couples but never between friends or work colleagues. At least at school, to say you loved someone was to say that you were ‘in love’ with them. And that at best you could ‘like’ your friends. Anything more than this was seen as ‘gay’ or abnormal. We need to re-define how we use the word love in our relationships because in truth it is the lack of true love in our relationships that cause all our issues and tensions among them.
It’s amazing to see the effect things can have on those around us when we connect to what is true for us. The understanding of what we are feeling and dealing with our part then allows others to connect to the same place. As in the conversation you had with your colleague you can see the ripple effect of us bringing more understanding and awareness to the quality we are in at any point. It’s true about relationships and how this is something that is there for any person we meet and not something we have with a chosen few. It goes out further in that we are in relationship with everything all the time. So no matter if it’s your car or your lawn or whatever there is a relationship with it by simply it being there. Every relationship with everything is reflecting to us all the time if we choose to see it that way. You can always dismiss this and make it smaller but that doesn’t mean it stops it from happening or being there, you just make yourself blind to this truth.
Recently I have become aware that developing our ability to express and share with others happens when we start to do this, if we sit back and wait until we feel ready it doesn’t happen and we don’t develop or expand. Every time we are truly honest with ourselves and choose to speak up the love we get in return multiplies.
It is quite simple – if we want our children to grow up in a more loving world, we need to teach true communication and true relationships; and the only way we can do this is through living that way ourselves and being an example.
If we truly look around in society there are not many examples of true relationships therefore we must be the change we want to see.
I really appreciate you disclosing the way you spoke to your colleague about how you felt JY. I have always tended to be nice to people at work, but this is at the price of not expressing my truth in full and that does not support anyone. What you share here is very inspiring, and a woman miles away from where you were – able to speak up and express, and make communication first and foremost. That is very cool.
For me it is committing to the potential of a relationship, working on not letting all the behaviours and hurts get in the way, for they are not us in the first place. Constantly speaking to, holding and meeting a person for who they really are. Just as Serge Benhayon and God does with us. This is key to true relationships, we can’t do them from our head, pictures, ideals or beliefs. There is a lot to learn from each other no matter who or where we are.
This is so true -“when we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with.” When we understand this we understand that we have a responsibility to bring our fullness to every interaction we have with people, no matter how brief.
Thank you JY for writing about a topic that is often swept under the carpet and leaves a lot of hurts running with work colleagues for year and years. The way in which you approached this unease is a great learning tool for us all. There was no reaction but an openness for the other person to feel how words can be harming even though they may appear to others as a little harmless banter.
Pretty inspiring. If we feel something, we must act on it rather than to hold back and keep it in. What happens when we do that over and over – how does our body react to holding onto that? I’m working on speaking my truth more and more rather than just being Mr Nice…which often just masks how I really feel.
“I now understand the importance of true communication in all relationships. In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it.” This is so true, something that is becoming so clearer to me, for true communication, relationships must be based on truth, for it to be based on love.
This blog shows that how we are prepared to treat ourselves in not expressing and claiming what feels true is reflected in all our relationships with others. So a true loving relationship starts with how we treat ourselves.
‘How many times do we speak but remain unheard?’…. it feels to me that this happens a lot when we are children and so we decide that it is not worth communicating how we feel so we actually stop expressing how we feel. So the question actually becomes ‘ How many times do we not speak because we think we won’t be heard?’ We allow the hurts of the past to govern our present behaviour and in the process deny ourselves of the very thing that actually brings true connection and intimacy in relationships. Learning to once again express how I am honestly feeling in all my relationships has been a massive thing and very healing and liberating and enriching of my life. It is a work in progress very much still but one very worth undertaking.
It is true we are in relationship with everyone and to accept unloving behaviour is actually very unloving itself and simply perpetuates the hurts. It all comes down to choosing love over all these ideals and beliefs that we have taken on that if we are honest with ourselves we know are not true.
One line really stood out today, was ‘It never occurred to me at the time to discuss with him the manipulative behaviour within our relationship that we were both party to, and to seek another way together’ – so often we walk on eggshells and tiptoe around someones behaviour when they sulk or refuse to speak to us, but this never seems to work and in fact only leads on to feed the behaviour. I had a similar situation where on rare occasions my partner would refuse to speak to me which used to drive me nuts, but after being willing to listen and by learning to talk to each other, this behaviour never happens anymore.
Reading how your colleague “welled up with tears” when he connected to his hurtful behaviour reminded me of how much we first hurt ourselves when we are unloving even before we hurt anyone else.
Some great reminders here JY on my second read of your blog. What I can feel is when we communicate from a place of love and also the intention to make the relationship a loving one, people do feel that. How they respond is up to them, but that intention alone is such a powerful healing. It’s not about criticising or blaming others, but just open loving communication and asking another to consider being more loving. Doing this from a place of being equal love with another would also be key.
It’s wonderful to read the honesty of your sharing with your colleague, how speaking truth without judgement or accusation the other person can feel the love they are held in, feel the openness of being true to what they too know. There is no judgement just observation so they are free to choose truth.
It is amazing how truth and love can offer another the opportunity to drop their protection and be more of who they truly are.
“In order for a relationship to be based on love it must be based on truth”….this is absolute, you cannot separate truth and love, they go hand in hand.
Hello JY, it occurred to me that the manipulation in relationships is our trade off for love. We accept less than a true relationship, which is actually an arrangement. We trade off respect, love and decency just to be liked or falsely accepted. How we bully each other in subtle ways. For me it’s all about now taking responsibility to be loving with myself and others, and openly communicate what is not loving in relationships. Thanks for the inspiration from your blog.
We spend so much time with work colleagues, more time that with our partners at times, so it is a great way as you describe, to broaden the light and topic around relationships. That we are actually indeed in relationships with everyone, all the time. So how important it is to work on these relationships all the time. There is always an opportunity to bring more to each interaction with someone.
It is interesting how we can perceive that the potential to build a true relationship can be with one specific person and or with family and friends. On public transport the other day I sat next to a woman who showed me the potential of true relationship with everyone we meet by simply choosing to be open. This woman shared honestly about life, her experiences in the day and asked questions wanting to know all about me. Forty minutes later I felt like we had been friends forever- making me question… How complicated do we make what is simple and true to us all?
Openness, honesty and willingness to communicate is the key to loving harmonious relationships. To honestly share whatever is felt, without judgement is also a powerful message in your blog JY, thank you.
“When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realize now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with”. I so agree with this. Today I was reflecting on my relationship with one of the cleaners at work. When he first joined us he would work with his head down and refused to look me or anyone else in the eye. Every morning, for over a year I would greet him with a friendly hello and he would just ignore me. Then one day, out of the blue, he just started to talk to me, without me initiating anything. Since that day he has gone from strength to strength. He became a wardsman and he just loves helping people, to the point where I saw him walking down the corridor today looking so content in himself and all I could feel was the absolute power we have when we choose to connect and just be ourselves.
The value of teamwork in relationships cannot be undervalued because it is the cornerstone of all life. As we work together to bring about change and to deepen our understanding of each other and of life, there has to be the support of the group to put it all into context, otherwise whatever you manage to change can be merely conceptual thought processes with no life experiences to make that change real and sustainable.
A reread of this blog JY is as powerful as the first time. being truthful can only come when we are honest with ourselves first – the rest then looks after itself and relationships can evolve and grow. So beautiful in it’s simplicity.
A relationship based on love and truth is ever evolving – and with this comes true communication which allows us to see the beauty in all others and the learning and healing that is constantly on offer.
“True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.” This is so true, we aren’t taught to handle all that life is we are just taught to manage – situation by situation and everyone has some variance in that.
When I was young I had a keen eye for manipulation and reacted to it by recoiling and withdrawing or judgeing and making my knowledge be like a wall against me and it. I can see how the manipulations became more subtle and now realise that my false beliefs around responsibility kept me in disregard of myself. Manipulation by ourselves of ourselves is self sabotage.
Every relationship is important. I know in the past that I have placed more importance on some relationships, but if I am to be truly loving, I can approach every relationship with commitment for the moment it is before me. I loved how you didn’t step away from the relationship with your colleague but chose to be gently truthful. I know that they are the times I shut down, go into myself to work out what happened and then work out a way to protect myself. This does nothing for a relationship. So now I will change this, as I have been for a while now, and consider that all my relationships are important and worth setting straight.
Quite often we experience having innocent little jokes with others but then there are the times when the jokes can be cruel or meant as a put down, and on the surface may seem harmless enough but in truth the harm is felt deeply, and if not addressed we would just distance ourselves from that person and the relationship becomes less. What you have done here JY is to offer this person a healing and an opportunity to grow, and to his credit that he was willing to go there.
JY, this feels absolutely true, ‘In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth’, I have found in my relationships the importance of expressing what I am feeling and not holding it in or going into my head about it. I have found that this allows the relationship to develop and deepen, even if at times it can cause reaction, the more I express truth the easier this becomes and the less reactions there are because this communication simply becomes part of our relationship.
‘True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school…’ But it should be!! Today I heard a teacher speak of the children she works with, how she connects with them, appreciates them, let’s them see their innate qualities and what they bring and nurtures this, saying to them don’t loose this I will help you get the bits of paper you need for education but don’t loose you. This was heartwarming to hear.
I love how you decided to say how you felt, and actually got a co worker who was willing to listen rather than brush it off, or blame you for being too sensitive or deny any wrongdoing. We deserve nothing less than the most incredible love and respect in life.
To bear that in mind and live with the knowing: “When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with, ” makes such a difference in everyday life and all interactions, even a fleeting smile in passing on the street – it all makes a difference all of the time. To live this knowing will be such an uplifting way of experiencing other people as the reflections when this is truly lived, can only be awesome.
What a blessing for this colleague. We sometimes or often don’t fully realise how our behaviours are impacting on others and by you lovingly expressing how your colleagues jokes were affecting you, you gave him an opportunity to either react in defence or feel the truth of what you were saying.
It is amazing how much people respond to truth when it is said lovingly and without reaction. I love how you sat down and talked to your colleague JY and he felt the harm his ‘jokes’ were creating, this was a true healing for everyone.
If we only live from ideals and beliefs, we can invariably set up a pattern of expectations out onto situations and people, when we do this, most of the time our expectations are not met, so we do not feel met. However, we have assisted in setting up the scenario to not be met. Letting go of ideals and beliefs, healing within those hurts that can hinder us from living from our true self, not from ideals and beliefs.
Thank you JY for such a great article, this line stood out for me today ‘When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with.’ In the past I also used to think relationship meant with your partner, so many people believe this as well and I can feel how this limits us to only focus on building that with only one person. The more I deepen the relationship with myself first the more I notice all my relationships are also deepening and evolving as well be it at home or work, with other family members, or in the community everyday.
“Ideals and beliefs learnt from childhood about what it is to be a wife, mother, daughter or son, father, and brother can lead to behaviours in relationships which are neither loving nor truthful.” – To become aware of these and address the root cause goes a long way on shifting and changing our relationships in all areas of our lives, and it is such a relief for me to have done heaps of that and seeing the result of doing so such a great reflection on how it used to be and how it is now, just by taking responsibility for what I thought was ‘true’.
“When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with. ” – So true JY and when we keep this in mind, we can connect on such beautiful levels with all who we come in contact with.
It would be much more appropriate to learn about relationships as part of our education, currently we are taught to put knowledge first before the connection with those around us. Without true connection we are lost to empty knowledge that will truly help humanity.
It is such a great realisation when we realise that relationships are not static but something we can change, work with and develop. It is not a one way street either, it is about both being open and both being ready to look at the way the relationship is and what there is to change. I found that being honest about my own part in a relationship is sometimes challenging but the yuck feeling always leaves very quickly and opens up room for feeling more connected with the other.
It was so great to read the outcome of you speaking honestly with your workmate. “For him to be willing to accept the power of the spoken word and how it can affect others, whether that be to empower or not, was a step forward in our relationship and one I could not have taken alone.”
I have learnt over the last few years and really reflected on the last six months living with my flat mate (first time living not with blood family of which in the past I used the excuse of having a ‘long history of lack of expression’ and it being bigger than me, avoiding my hand as holding back my feelings is still expression but of a negative quality) I can appreciate how much I have grown from choosing to open up and express what I am feeling. It clears the air between us and allows for us to connect more as who we truly are and not be so focused on the dynamics and issues that are in-between us. This has also spread out into my other relationships including my blood family, my work family, my larger family of customers and people on the street. Building connection with one, starting with ourselves, allows us to expand this quality to one other, then groups then the wider range of people in our lives. All from stopping and listening to what our bodies are saying and allowing it to speak and be in the world.
Beautiful to read how you did sit together with your colleague and shared how you feel and what you become aware of in your interactions. This is really taking responsibility about the relationship and the love we are here to express and share and let nothing come between us.
We often feel a fleeting reaction and dismiss it, and if we say nothing, in time it can build into something that destroys a relationship. I love that you described it as ‘teamwork . . . meeting one another in love and only love, in order to develop a relationship that was true.’ Part of that meeting involves expressing honestly what we are feeling so that we can explore the choices we are making that allows that abuse.
“…every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with…” so true. And with ever single person we bring the depth of relationship we have with ourselves, and this is the chemistry – the feeling – that is felt in any interaction.
Wow what comes across in your blog is that we all have such a responsibility to be honest and to bring truth in all our relationships. often relationships can become stagnant when we choose comfort over truth.
I love that so much of the way we have typically grown up with relationships is being exposed as ‘not it.’ I really enjoy seeing how i am developing expressing myself, its still quite ‘new’ to actually say how i feel, but great to have this as a commitment to me in my life.
Its incredibly responsible to view every relationship as something of importance, and not just another person to deal with. I know myself ‘dismissing’ other people simply doesnt work. every relationship matters, we need to bring our all to it.
We often don’t feel that opening up in this way is safe and it could leave us too vulnerable or may even leave us hurt. This is not true of course because opening up is a very supportive thing to do and can actually make us feel stronger by embracing truth. But it does reveal how much we do not share intimately enough in general in relationships, cause if we did we would be able to trust each other to the point where this form of communication would be the norm.
One of the things I most appreciate is when another opens up in honesty and shares how they feel.
I think it’s great that you didn’t allow things to fester but that you shared how you felt and that he was also open to that- this forms the foundation for a more true relationship.
This blog reveals the true level of responsibility we have for each and every relationship we are in – and that’s to become more aware of the dynamics so we can support bringing truth and deepen each connection.
I notice with some relationships that once comfort creeps in there is like an opening to have a go or make a joke that’s condescending or be a little smart. Especially in families, it’s like it’s normal to have a go at each other and be disrespectful. But this is the complete opposite to how we really are to connect with each other.
We know that a relationship’s gonna be comfortable before we go in, that’s why we choose to go in, who wants to rock the boat of Comfort? And a comfortable relationship doesn’t necessarily mean a relationship that’s drama free, many of us love the comfort of a good old argument, because without the arguing then there might be the possibility of going deeper and that’s terrifying for many of us. Keep it superficial that’s often our motto even in marriage.
Communication is something that we can just so misjudge whomever it is with and generally the cause of a lot of angst and upset between people. Namely because we are continually wanting others to see from our perspective, when they don’t, it causes us to feel misunderstood, we feel like we have not been listened to and generally get upset, because in truth our past hurts have been triggered or we are fiercely defending our protections. Either way, communication can go down hill very fast. It is so important to have and build on our connections with ourselves first and foremost, it is through this connection that we can have space and not be as reactive in such moments if triggered with people.
Asking and being open to more honestly in our relationships in an opportunity to understand another with more patience and love.
What I dearly love about your story JY is that it touches on the very core of what we all innately know to be true – that we all possess the potential for true relationships and like you we should embrace every opportunity that comes our way to learn how to be open and honest in all our communications.
“True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.” In fact, as children we were mostly talked at by parents and teachers rather than talked to. Tragically the art of true communication was very rare indeed and remains to be so to this very day. If only Serge Benhayon’s Relationship Workshops were presented throughout every nation in the world – the level of joyful communication and love could be sky high!
In re-defining the word relationship, we are breaking down the walls that keep countries isolated and apart and war, now a forever possibility starts to become something that can one day end.
I love how this blog supports you to look at the intricacies of your relationships and explore all of them looking to see if you are holding each other in love and truly expressing yourself or just keeping things at a surface level.
Indeed “ the importance of true communication in relationships…” indeed a true relationship is not possible unless there IS true communication , because it is the foundation of any true relationship.
Being honest and truthful with one and another is a must if we want to live joyfully. When we hold back our feelings, emotions fester and build. When we express what we truly feel everyone benefits.
Beautifully expressed JY, to always meet another with love as there is always an opportunity for a true relationship with everybody we meet. Expressing to your colleague as you did was inspiring to read and reminds us what is possible when we honour and respect ourselves and speak up to another and call out what is not love – a moment of true healing for you both.
First very beautiful JY what you shared with us here: ”In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it”. This shows us already a different way to life in relationship with yourself and others. And this is our new education.
Secondly, I ame that: ”Ideals and beliefs learnt from childhood about what it is to be a wife, mother, daughter or son, father, and brother can lead to behaviours in relationships which are neither loving nor truthful.” So do we have our answer to our woes, issues and hurts. We should have never left our nature – but of course we can understand that we knew no other way.
I am learning that too, that I have a relationship with everybody and that is not about having a partner and then at some magic point you have a relationship. This is a belief that is not true. I am in constant relationship with everybody and with every person I am getting another reflection. I learn the most in life from all my relationships.
Communication is huge. Nearly all issues with relationships stem from a misunderstanding or miscommunication of what another is expressing. The situation then stirs up hurts, pains, behaviours that are not liked and all in the absence of love and true harmony. The foundation in all our relationships should always be love, to come back to a known way that is holding and true of each other and then deal with the issue from this place first
I loved the way you have exposed the games and subtle manipulation that gets played out in relationships, it’s a much needed blog.
How beautiful that you were able to speak your truth JY and your colleague was able to hear; what a blessing for you both. You have presented here is such a wonderful and inspiring example of a relationship that provides an opportunity for you both to evolve, individually and together.
WHen I started to attend universal medicine events and courses, and started to feel more love for myself, I clocked how much abuse I had let into my life until then and had been accepting of it in many of my relationships. There was no physical abuse but a lot of sarcasm and making fun of each other. I could really start to feel how much I didn’t like this and also much I had been doing this to others as well. Now I can feel how much sarcasm hurts, and is actually a form of abuse, I no longer use it or play a part of receiving it in my relationships.
Well said Eleanor. Sarcasm feels like a form of protection, making sure people don’t get too close and that we hold on to some form of control and feeling of superiority. It is belittling and I am quite sure energetically harmful. It is a glue of dysfunctionality that I used to use myself and was often at the receiving end of and like you “I can feel how much sarcasm hurts, and is actually a form of abuse, I no longer use it or play a part of receiving it in my relationships.” I also feel to expose it whenever we can.
Hi JY – there is so much here that speaks of the patterns we develop in relationship with others. The words that were so powerful for me were – ‘Seeing my colleague reconnecting to truth and being open to hear my comments was a truly beautiful moment’. It is the coming together with the intent to be open, listen and share with another what is truly going on and for them to meet you with this same intent. It is something that two bring to an exchange. Loved what you have shared – thank you.
Today I heard a similar sharing between two colleagues who had worked together many years ago and had come back to work with each other once again. Each came with such honesty in how they felt they could work together to support one another and the potential they could provide other team members. This blog is a great confirmation that there is always an opportunity to deepen relationships if we choose to.
There is nothing more important than the quality of the relationships we are in, and in that we all have a responsibility to take and feel constantly what is going on in each relationship we are having. And therefore, to be able to continually comunicate this, expression is everything.
Benkt, I really love what you’ve written here – it’s so true. Communication is crucial – but it’s how we express which is so fundamental.
We are in fact reading people all of the time and pick up so much more than we are willing to admit, so the slightest bit of manipulation from ourselves and others will be felt. It is so important to bring out into the open the ways in which we manipulate each other and the dishonesty involved in that, no matter how subtle. If we sit back and say nothing we are in effect saying it’s ok, and lets face it manipulation no matter how subtle is still abuse, not only to others but ourselves also.
I agree Julie we read others and ourselves, feel the true and the ugly but in fact saying nothing is saying its ok and that most certainly is not ok!
I used to be one person at work and another person at home, it was like leading a double life, and in the end exhausting. I now have a consistency and I feel like I am the same with everyone I meet and this quality was something I always admired. Central to this I had to get to know myself and appreciate my true qualities – something I am still discovering.
A great blog JY, showing that the quality of relationships we have with another is a great reflection of the quality of relationship we have with ourselves.
What you are sharing here is so important, relationships are with everyone we meet. And we can bring truth to all of them, when we choose to honestly see what is going on and really stand for that what we deem truth.
Wow JY, absolutely great blog, understanding what you used to accept in relationships to being able to speak up and express what was ‘not’ ok behaviour with your colleague is truly wonderful. It can be a challenge to speak up in the work environment, not wanting to make waves because you have to work with someone, but it is really great that you make the choice to deepen your self honouring to call out this behaviour!!
JY it is a beautiful thing that you have done to bring awareness to your colleague that his little jokes were actually hurtful put downs, and that even if they are tiny and subtle they are still hurtful and reduce the quality of the relationship. The fact that he felt what you presented was absolutely true is a great example that we all feel energy. There is love in truth and we all want love.
I agree Gill and emails are a great example of how easy it is to mis-communicate, we know exactly what we mean but when read by someone else it means something entirely different. Clear communication is crucial to building relationships and connecting first to ourselves and to the other person is the key.
I love this story JY. It is so inpsiring! That one conversation did so much more than you probably realised at the time. Saying ‘No’ to the cycle of manipulation and disrespect with a simple conversation is really amazing. It really can be that simple. And for your colleague to get that reflection, is just amazing.
I too found the honest sharing of both male and female students very revealing. It showed me the dance we play, particularly me, in relating with each other and how that can change with truthful expression. I’m still learning, still reacting to old hurts and beliefs but the more they are ‘outed’ the more joyful life is.
Thank you JK, I am inspired by your courage to stand and express your truth. It confirms how much it supports not only ourselves but others when we share what we feel.
The groupwork that you get to be a part of at Universal Medicine events is astounding, as everyone sits in the groups as an equal with no-one in the group acting less or more than another. Just through that and allowing each other to speak respectfully and respectfully listening, the space is created for people to share their true feelings so that healing can occur. As a result JY has taken this into her workplace and brought GREAT understanding to her colleague in a very gracious way as a result.
What you say Shevon feels very deeply inspiring and loving of all humanity as we embrace what we are offered when we are part of a greater whole and let go of all the needs to be individual. The simplicity, and the clarity we can feel as we offer one another the time and space to listen with respect, and no thought of self, becomes a healing moment that brings unity and love into our lives and those of others. And to quote your words ‘As a result JY has taken this into her workplace and brought GREAT understanding to her colleague in a very gracious way as a result’.
JY I am so glad that I read your blog this evening and truly appreciate the reflection that it has provided on my own work situation. What seems so important from reading this is the appreciation of others around you without judgement in order to have relationships universally based in love. Deeply inspired, thank you.
Yes, Michael and I am glad to read your comment. As you say appreciation ‘without judgement’ allows us to really drop into the moment and see life as it truly is, and to feel our own essence. Within our essence is the feeling of being at one with everyone and everything in the whole universe and as we connect more and more to this feeling we know we have returned home after many lifetimes of seeking and wandering.
This is a beautiful blog about how easy it is to listen to what we feel and simply communicate in that feeling way. Thank you JY.
‘True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.’ I love how, when you shared with your colleague how you felt about being the butt of his jokes, it helped to develop a deeper relationship between you. Mostly we are afraid that our honesty will incite a reaction in others, but when expressed with deep love and understanding can help to develop the relationship into a true friendship.
JY the truth of your words are greatly appreciated. Developing each and every relationship we have from a basis of love holds the space for truth to be expressed, allowing us to continually deepen the love we are.
“In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen” – absolutely. The sharing of your blog JY is pure gold.
JY it was clearly evident the love of your gesture to be open and honest with your new colleague and a healing offered to him in the love you expressed. My experience is when I am open and honest taking responsibility for how I’m feeling and then communicate this with another what unfolds is further understanding of our relationship and a healing ultimately takes place.
What you have beautifully reflected is regardless of where we are at or how bad things may seem, within us always, is our truth that we can connect to, that will guide us through anything and confirm or return us back to the love we are and deserve to live. And when we honor our truth within we then offer this same opportunity for another to do the same.
What stood out for me JY when reading your blog, was how as young children we are not encouraged to say what we really feel and are in a way taught to hold our tongues so as not to hurt anyones feelings, but in reality all this does is stops us from having the ability to speak up when someone is being abusive within a relationship, either at home or at work.
I am learning slowly that it is ok to speak up and tell someone they are being abusive and that by holding back what needs to be said serves no one. In the past I would judge someone as being very rude if they spoke up and I found it very challenging, but what if we were taught this at school – just say it as it is without reaction, how different would our relationships be then.
Yes Julie, I agree. When we can maintain our connection to ourselves and not go into re-action we are able to hold our truth and use that power in a way that not only empowers us but allows the other person an opportunity to change a behaviour that unstopped only deepens. As you say we have been so indoctrinated since young and it is so sad that after two major world wars we still haven’t learnt to live in a way that is open and honest. In fact we could wonder if we will ever learn and yet within we know there is another way – the way of the livingness.
A truly evolving article asking us to be honest about what we bring to a relationship and what we see that laces the truth in any moment. We do not grow from niceness or tolerance. Choosing awareness and calling ourselves and others to account to be responsible for what we/they bring is deeply healing. This is a truly loving foundation for a true relationship that embraces our growth as a person and deepens our connection with others.
Totally agree Sue the role models available to us in both the Benhayon family and the student body give us all a true gift to feel what true relationship is and what it is not.
This is so true when we are being who we are and express what we truly feel needs to be said it can change a situation so quickly and it feels so beautiful in the body. I know when I don’t, I feel the after effect in my body, of tension and disharmony.
Great article JY. I have also learnt so much from the relationship workshops I’ve attended with Universal Medicine. Understanding that relationships do not stop with your partner is a huge eye opener. Developing relationships with everyone in your life is essentially what we do, but often we’re not willing to put in the same amount of effort, particulary at work, writing the relationships off as just a colleague or ‘work friend’ which means something different to a ‘real friend’. What if everyone received equal amounts of care and consideration? What a difference it would make.
This is so true Eloide, relationships don’t stop with our partners of immediate family, in fact we are in relationship with the whole world, even if we choose to ignore this possibility, that is a relationships.
This is such a timely read for me JY, thank you. I am faced with a situation similar to the one you descibe with your colleague. I had been oscillating about the way forward with this, but now all is clear. True and open communication is the only way.
Re-reading this again JY, I can see that there are relationships I find easy or give more importance to, to be honest with and bringing attention to where our relationship has dropped from love but there are many where I don’t bring the same understanding to.
I am totally with you on everything you have written here. We tend to hold back and not be open to real conversation about truth. When we do whoever the conversation is with, gets an opportunity to feel the truth for themselves.
Absolutely Sally, and it builds up a momentum for ourselves making speaking up in truth the next time, easier and easier.
I agree Michelle it certainly feels joyful to connect with people old and new. This shows me that it is our natural way to always be in connection with people and every connection even if it is just for a few minutes offers a reflection.
‘Our’ way of doing things (leaving the trademark of ‘me’) is not necessarily our natural way of expression. What we call my way is not necessarily MY way. The truth is that we go though life with anchors that are not really anchors but we ask them to work as such. We are not exposed to anything that feels TRUTH deep down. So, we buy ‘truth’; we make up ‘truth’. Discovering that TRUTH exists and that is the most power anchor you can ask for is just beautiful.
I know I have accepted less than love in many relationships where I didn’t speak up about hurtful comments or ways, for fear of being considered over sensitive or fussy. It doesn’t deepen the relationship and creates barriers that impede any progress. Then there was the ill energy that stayed in my body, unexpressed and stagnant. This did not make for good health or a good relationship with myself as I was willing to accept myself as less. By far the healthier and more joyful option is to communicate in a gentle and respectful way. The air is clearer and the relationship stronger.
Beautifully said Amanda, Holding on to our expression is stagnating for our self and others, it creates ill energy in our relationships and in our bodies! Why do we hold back?
Amanda I have played the same pattern in my expression and agree it has been poisonous not only to myself but to the relationship too. It lead to a resentfulness and even bitterness, and took me away from responsibility to speak truth.
I have become quite masterful at avoiding expression and hiding. Now I am seeing that in holding myself back, not only am I hurting myself by keeping all this pent up energy, but I have lost the purpose of expression in relationship: I am holding back another from seeing a different perspective, something that only I can offer them. I now see that expression is not all about me saying what I need to say, but that it has a divine purpose for us all.
Yes Emma, Expression is about expressing what needs to be said for all and holding back holds everyone back. Ouch.
Today I have been pondering on control and how I have expectations of how others will respond so that I feel heard or seen in my expression. This is a pondering about the ideals and beliefs I hold in relationship, as you touched on. So what I am feeling is that if I am clear in my expression, allow myself to express from who I really am – a very delicate, deeply feeling, very perceptive woman – then I don’t need a particular response. It is entirely up to the receiver to choose how they will respond to me. I am only responsible for my expression and this is what I will then feel. Quite a revelation.
Hi Emma, yes that is quite a revelation ‘. I am only responsible for my expression and this is what I will then feel.’ That is quite a pondering to come to the realisation that in fact another will respond or react by their choice and that is not for us to fear if we are clear in our expression we need only express from that clarity.
It feels as though when you expressed to your colleague, you spoke from your heart, allowed yourself to be seen in your feelings and this is what enabled him to feel the truth of what you are expressing. This is the work for me: to stop going into that all too familiar pattern of protection and allow myself to be seen and felt in my feelings.
Hi Emma, The thing is we are so not protecting ourselves and that’s the crazy thing, we hold back to protect ourselves from the reaction but it hurts – it really hurts to do so – it hurts us and the person to whom we are lying, because if we are not speaking truth we are lying and we call it ‘saving a person from feeling hurt’. Absolute madness!
This is true JY, there is so many ways we make it hard on ourselves and others by holding back what is there to be shared.
How true, that for most of us, we don’t actually know what true communication and expression is, because we weren’t taught by our parents, or at school, nor was it modeled anywhere else. I sure can relate to feeling that the manipulations in relationships are a mystery! They have just felt normal. Until, Serge Benhayon came along and said ‘this isn’t normal!’. He has paved the way for us to see that love in relationship is possible. Day by day, I am starting to learn how to express and receive expression in a loving way.
Hi Emma,
I can imagine if I had not come across Universal Medicine and listened to both Serge Benhayon and fellow students who speak truth about their relationships I would never have begun to look at my own and consider my way of being within them. That would have left me in my old way of not expressing and like you – ‘day by day I am starting to learn how to express and receive expression in a loving way.’ It’s an unfolding and observation of that unfolding.
JY what I love about reading the blogs and the comments is that ever so slowly (for me) from understanding the truth of what is being said I start FEELING the truth, which is quite different really. The power of expression is huge and as I am making baby steps towards my own expression I do feel others responding to it. It is a bit like magic to me and so beautiful.
Hi Patricia, When I read the blogs and really stop to feel it I experience such an opening and connection it is very different to simply reading it in my head. I too respond when I feel true expression, as you have said others respond to you, because the inner heart recognises truth and cannot hold back from responding to it. Its like when you feel someone living who they are and you just want to hug them because you recognise the feeling of love.
I love what you say here JY – when someone is writing with an open heart it offers us the opportunity to engage with that open heartedness and expand the whole experience. This is what I find feels so beautiful about the comments – they are very much a part of the original blog and expand the true intention. As you have said ‘the inner heart recognises truth and cannot hold back from responding to it’ and this feels like a way back for us to become whole again and let go of all the separation in the world.
Thank you for sharing JY . Many of us hold back in expressing the truth fully in relationships for fear of hurting the person or the relationship itself. I can see that to not express the truth is more devastating in the end as we end up walking on eggshells around this person and the relationship is not one of equality and Love on both sides.
That’s beautiful Roslyn to be able to feel the true impact of us not expressing fully all that we are. These moments of discomfort are a true blessing as they open us up to so many possibilities of changing the status quo. So often in the past I have held back and ‘bitten my lip’ and not said what is in my heart and now as I begin to explore expression I am continually experiencing a deepening of my relationships and a quality that is not to be denied. If we can build true quality into all of our relationships we are free as we will be able to express the truth in any situation.
Hi Roslyn, yes this is so true ‘we end up walking on eggshells’ and the deeper we get into not expressing truth the harder it becomes to do so as we build a relationship on that foundation of holding back.
What an amazing turnaround, from being abused in relationships to subtly being abused via ‘humor’ which would you were able to address straight away and stop. A huge healing for both of you and a huge healing for me to read. Thank you JY.
Hi Natalie, Great point a moment to stop and celebrate that we can change our relationships and be loving with those around us.
“Seeing my colleague reconnecting to truth and being open to hear my comments was a truly beautiful moment. How many times do we speak but remain unheard”
Often we do speak without being heard but how often do we speak without authority and fully claiming?
I love your blog JY because it is honest and I can completely relate to what you have written.
Expression of truth; delivered with love; is absolutely the key in all relationships.
The depth of a true relationships is undeniable one of the most amazing and at times challenging experiences Ive learnt to rediscover only by attending Universal Medicne , otherwise I would have still be going through the motions of abusive relationships, something you’d never want for anyone.
Hi Jaime, I totally agree it can be challenging because calling out the truth is not always easy to do and without Universal Medicine I wouldn’t even have known it was possible but how amazing, loving each other and ourselves so deeply that only truth will do.
I totally was also in ‘the motions of abusive relationships’ Jaime but the biggest abusive one was….with myself! I was stuck in looking out and blaming others for the way our relationships were but it was a turning point once I started looking at my relationship with myself. Oh gee I didn’t like that relationship very much, thank goodness with the support of Universal Medicine I started to put effort into that one first and now have so much more love for myself which shows in my relationships with others and vice versa. Thanks big time to the loving, understanding and honouring reflections of Serge Benhayon, the Benhayon family and many many students.
What you have written in your blog, JY, confirms how important it is for people to express themselves on sites like these (and in general). Every expression is uniquely different and equally important. Relating to someone else’s expression enables us to recognize and understand our own patterns and behaviours better so we can start changing certain aspects of our life, if we choose to do so.
I agree Ilja, I have learnt so much from the comments left in response to blog it has been an education in true communication.
I completely relate with what you have written, relationships based on love equals a relationship based on truth. I was so touched by the story you shared with your colleague, very inspiring.
JY, I truly appreciate your blog, thank-you. A stand-out in what you’ve shared here for me is how it was your awareness of the ‘subtle manipulations’ that began to change things for you. The awareness that things weren’t right seemed already there, but not acknowledged in full until you found things confirmed in presentations by Universal Medicine.
How many situations and long-held patterns (often sabotaging) do we face in life like this?
And how Great the blessing to be able to honour your awareness to the point that you could express what you needed and truly change the nature of your communication – that others could receive your love, no longer held back.
This is truly the ‘gold’ that Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine offers us all – in presenting all that makes ‘simple sense’ and confirms what is loving an what is not in life. I have to say, that the ways in which I’ve reclaimed my own awareness and ability to express in life, supported by Universal Medicine’s work, are countless…
Hi Victoria, Yes your observation is spot on, I was aware but those awareness’s were not acknowledged – to do so would have required an honesty I was not living at that time. What Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine, the practitioners and the students offer, with the reflections of their living way is like watching angels feathers falling from the sky and dancing on the breeze, bringing light to our lives and joy to our hearts. We are all the same and so the reflection reminds us of who we are within.
I feel very inspired by all your comments and this blog. I get a much deeper understanding of the sentence – Expression is everything. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Alexander and a huge thanks to all those who choose to live and speak the truth from their innermost.
Truth and love are inseparable, I know from the past that truth alone does not work. Having experienced both sides of making someone wrong, getting even or venting in the guise of truth; the only result is the recipient being hurt, if that turns into a reaction, then an argument or fight is born. Being able to communicate “I’m hurt by….”, without being in reaction, as JY wrote, creates an opportunity for the other to feel what has been done, there may not always be tears, but there will be greater understanding and a deepening of relationship.
In my upbringing there were no true relationships that I could build on, everything was functional and the daily family dinners where always meant to be a space to communicate, but there was never true communication. I did not establish true connection to people and so also my friendships were all functional and for social entertainment, but I hardly felt any deeper connection to anyone. Thats how I grew into an adult, living in my secluded space, self sufficient and out of this box relating with people. Its a very strong conditioning and till today I can feel this tendency to withdrawal that always leaves a distance with people. To express what I feel, without blaming or judging is the opening up to true connection to people. It is not even about me when I express what I feel it is always about the whole and there functioning has no place, because there is no self in it. For me today being in relationship has been totally redefined. It is not for me it is the expression of the whole.
Before I came across Universal Medicine, I used to wonder what unconditional love was. How do I do it, especially when some people can be difficult, distant and… well, annoying. It’s been a slow learning process but I feel I’m coming to understand it. There is no other love but the unconditional. Love in truth can only be unconditional. If whatever I am feeling towards another has any condition to be met, like ‘don’t be annoying’, ‘be nice’, etc, I am holding back my love, holding back the truth of me. Loving is me simply being the true deepest me. It doesn’t involve going out of my way to be romantic, or do nice things, although these things may come about as a result of expressing my love. The point is, I am unconditional love and as long as I don’t set up any conditions where I feel ‘safe’ to be me, I am loving another unconditionally. This is a solid foundation for a relationship with anyone – be it with a friend, family, colleague or person at a supermarket check-out.
Until Universal Medicine presented to me that relationships means everyone I come into contact with, no matter how briefly or transient, I also used to consider being in a relationship was only with a partner. This was a great way of mine to reduce my responsibility of how I am in relationship to just one person, or perhaps my immediate family.
Since this was presented and I choose to see if it was so, I have observed how I am with one person is indeed how I am with everyone, to different degrees. It’s been quite a shocker at times! If I am less than 100% love with myself, or one other person, I am this way with everyone. It’s not pleasant seeing this but without this honesty I cannot deal with whatever hurts are there that are getting in the way of me being love with myself and everyone else equally.
It is such a huge responsibility when we realise that our relationships are with everyone we meet every day whether it be our partner or the lady at the supermarket. We have an opportunity each time to connect. If we choose not to connect in loving and truthful way we miss an opportunity to feel the quality of another person and to allow them to feel our uniqueness. I know when I miss an opportunity to connect which I sometimes choose I feel less in my body and sad that I made a choice that was not loving for either party.
I love what you have shared here Anne ‘If we choose not to connect in a loving and truthful way we miss an opportunity to feel the quality of another person and to allow them to feel our uniqueness.’ It is an opportunity missed and I know in the past I missed many but with more awareness we can choose those opportunities to connect.
Full expression in my relationships are new for me and are a work in progress. I am finding that there is a fullness to the relationship when I do.
What you have shared JY is a beautiful example of speaking up for the truth of the situation and you have found a beautiful response from your work collegue. I love what you shared – ‘ teamwork was the key, meeting one another in love and only love, in order to develop a relationship that was true’ this is what true relationships are about.
What you share is very precious here, if we share we learn, if we hold back what can we learn…” The truth I have heard spoken by many students about their own behaviour in relationships unlocked something inside of me – the knowing that I had felt all along but hadn’t understood.” There is great power in sharing our experiences and what we have learnt in life.
Absolutely Samantha, when we hold back on revealing our truth we are holding back on an amazing opportunity to engage and expand. I am beginning to realise that holding back is just existing in a world that is full of wonderment and expression that is there to share and enhance all our lives.
If we do everything based on truth we can’t go wrong, True communication in relationships is not taught in schools, but imagine if true life skills like that were taught or enhanced, upon what should be taking place in the home. True expression should come so naturally, so why is it so hard to re-learn how to do sometimes?
My parents did not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, This lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what I thought was ‘normal’. When I married and had children my lack of expression continued. It was not until I came across ‘Universal Medicine’ and learnt that ‘expression is everything ‘ and begun to express and communicate with others that I realised how you cannot develop a true relationship if you are not willing to express. In hindsight it is quite crazy to think otherwise.
Yes Mary-Louise, it’s like a kind of madness that we think we can build a relationship and still hold back so much of who we are. These childhood patterns can have a very powerful hold over us – but we also have a choice to change and make choices that support us and can build self love. When we can bring this to a relationship we bring dignity and a deep respect for ourselves and become more open to embracing others. For me this is a work in progress – but I am beginning to feel the difference.
Beautifully shared Susan and Mary-Louise. Clearly we do have a choice – there may be some ‘internally built walls’ to face at times, but we can all choose to truly open up in the way we express to each other, whether verbally or in our every communication (the way we gesture with another, the quality of our touch, the way our eyes meet…).
My life has transformed dramatically from the tensions with which I grew up – supported no end by the work of Universal Medicine, and my own willingness to ‘go there’. Would have it no other way.
JY – You are right that every single interaction we have is a relationship.
An alcoholic has a relationship with alcohol, An athlete has a relationship with sport.
People have relationships with their colleagues, friends, partners. It is all the same opportunity to choose more love, to express, to bring more of ourselves to each relationship, or not.
i’ve loved exploring that though I have an intimate relationship with my partner, I can also be as open, as loving and as expressive with anyone else.
It has changed the way I see people in a huge way, and only brought much more appreciation to everyone I meet.
Hi Hannah, Your comment is important – an alcoholic has a relationship with alcohol and an athlete with sport – so we have a relationship with every single thing we touch – so that relationship is in our body developing our way of being. If the relationship is true we develop the way to live more truth if it is untrue we solidify that energy within our physicality and that breeds – ill-health?
You beautifully express JY, the subtlies of manipulation that can take place within relationships and how it is only through and with Truth can true relationships be developed.
Jokes with a putting down undertone, subtle little digs, justifying and blame are so widespread and accepted but also horrible to be around. It is a precursor to the abuse that inevitably follows the disrespect. Everyone feels it but how great is it when someone nominates it like JY here.
‘In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen.’ Sometimes I struggle how to bring truth, how to communicate in a way the other can hear it. This way of looking made it possible for me to hide. When I am coming with no judgement, when I feel (and I know this) everyone is equal than sharing the truth is the most beautiful thing to do.
Hi Susan
I agree. Our relationships include every single person we are in contact with on any given day.
How we are with one is actually how we are with all. This level of commitment begins with the deepening of our own relationship with self… then the rest naturally flows.
What has stood out for me in this article JY is this…
‘I now understand the importance of true communication in all relationships. In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it.
‘I know that this really makes the difference and takes the richness and joy of my relationships to a whole other level.
More often than not, the one that’s delivering the ‘funny line’ or ‘poking fun’ is a person who is deeply hurt and I love the way that JY brought awareness to their colleague of just how hurtful this form of communication is with such loving understanding which brought about a true healing for both of them.
As we are all feeling each other all of the time we are not really hiding anything by not giving ourselves a voice, and it feels awful in our bodies to withhold our natural expression. When we let each other in, as you did JY, we offer true relationship and an opportunity to deepen our connection.
You make a valid comment here Victoria we fool no-one when we do not speak certainly not ourselves but we pretend and play dumb when in fact we can feel everything that is not said whether by ourselves or by another.
I love how you were willing to take the first step and communicate what you felt and with this honesty it not only honoured yourself, it also opened the door to you deepening your relationship with your friend. Expressing and communicating what I truly feel, both the awkward and the appreciative is key to building true loving connections I have found.
There is no right or wrong so to speak.. simply a willingness to express.
I so agree with you Victoria, when we do not go into right and wrong and simply express what needs to be said it is so liberating for all concerned and builds true loving connections.
Hi Richard, yes humour and poking fun – don’t really go together do they. I was in the park today and the council had organised a family day all sorts of activities from spoon decorating to drumming. When I was standing waiting for someone I heard the band on stage and the gentleman said he was going to sing a song which was a welcome for foreigners! It really made me stop because the very words brought a them and us feeling. So much of our language carries veiled separation and how we say something brings with it a subtle but actually clear message. Less of a welcome and more of a you are different to me! Not so we are all equally love inside.
until people really start to know themselves, there will be manipulation… Whenever we are hurt and disconnected, we try and manipulate our environment to assuage the pain and discomfort, and it is not until we are honest and start to heal that this manipulation will stop.
So true Chris. The manipulation will cease when we heal our hurts.
Very true Chris; we have all used manipulation to alleviate our hurt. We do it on purpose but without full awareness of our state or the effect on others. That is why it is good to talk about it openly and directly, no matter how subtle. The only thing you have to lose is false relationships.
Great point Bernard ‘ the only thing you have to lose is false relationships’ being comfortable often prevents us from talking openly because at some level we know the relationship is based on untruth and speaking up risks opening the can on that but the value and wonder in a true relationship is worth it – absolutely worth it.
JY your opening paragraph explaining that you did not know what a true relationship was because the relationships that you had had, had been less than true, is one that I feel is a really common experience. Now if that is the case then it means that there are very few people who know what a true relationship is, which means that we have little to no examples in our lives to be inspired by. Thankfully, now, though Universal Medicine I am seeing and reading about relationships that are based on love and honesty rather than need and desire and can take that example into al of my relationships.
I reflected as I was reading that not only does it feel better to speak out when I feel abuse coming at me but also how much I am learning to appreciate it when others raise times when I may have acted/spoken abusively towards them. If I put aside any reactions and really listen to what the other person is communicating, there are many valuable insights for me to gain and grow from.
Well said Helen it is equally about listening and being open to receiving truth even when the potential is there to react to it.
JY – its so wonderful that we are once again open to developing true relationships with ourselves and others. I know that I have longed for this for a really long time.
Hi Simone, Yes we should appreciate the fact that we are willing to develop true relationships!
I’ve found that it is important to keep calling out what feels like abuse each time it occurs in my relationship. It is an opportunity to discuss something at the moment or at very least stop what does not feel true to continue.
We tend bring all the issues we have with ourselves to our relationships with others and often expect others to meet us in that or understand that we are hurt. But our issues stop us from fully embracing all the love we can live with each person we meet, interact and share our world with. It stops us from being the love we truly are and this hurts us more than most could imagine.
Yes Joshua and what a disastrous way to be! Bringing issues and expecting another to fill the gap rather than bringing love and being met in the equalness of that love by another.
Yes communication is something that develops and deepens over time. We have falsely thought that speaking is communicating when in fact it is just telling stories about the day. Nothing from inside us and to what we are felling. True communication begins with feeling ourselves and letting another know about those feelings.
Hi Gail, I have to repeat this it is super important ‘We have falsely thought that speaking is communicating when in fact it is just telling stories about the day.’ Absolutely!!
Hi Monica Oh yes ‘ each relationship is precious’ and that begins with our relationship with our self. So ‘it’s so important to honour and speak what is felt’ Beautifully said.
My parents weren’t very good at expressing their differences and as I got older they became more and more shut down. I took what I learnt from my parents to my own relationships and they were equally unsuccessful. Thanks JY for this blog, and Serge Benhayon for the inspiration to understand the importance of truth, love and expression in relationships.
“I now understand the importance of true communication in all relationships. In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth;” I relate totally to what you say here JY as there can be no love without truth.
What you say Karina is so powerful and so simple and has a directness that leaves no room for reinterpretation. To claim truth in this way leaves no room for doubt when one truly feels into what has been said. True truth is undeniable and beautiful – and spherical and forever evolving.
Hi Gill, I agree ‘Catching the Truth of it at the time and saying it in the instance is very powerful.’ If we leave it till later then the opportunity for emotion to build can creep in as the subtle abuse develops.
If we hold back sharing the truth and our expressing to the other it becomes an arrangement that we have both silently agreed to stick to.We say; I won’t rock the boat if you don’t, no honesty is shared, to be in a long term arrangement is like a slow death and affects our bodies and health.
I agree Thomas and I would say it is likely there are many more such arrangements currently than true relations in the world.
So true Thomas, and the more we express the truth. the more true relationships we have.
Beautifully said Michelle, ‘To put truth ahead of need serves us all,’
It is important as you say to consider every interaction with another is in fact a relationship – this brings more awareness to how we relate with ourselves and all others.
Your article reminded me of issues I had with colleagues in my former job. Instead of expressing what I was feeling inside I withdrew from them afraid things would otherwise escalate and then maybe I would feel even worse. By choosing to flee the scene I might have missed out on clearing my communication issue and it will probably surface again in another situation. Thank you JY.
Hi Ilja, Every situation is an opportunity to learn from and you have done just that. How often in the past would I have not even noticed or considered speaking up and observing it is the first step. Thank you for sharing your learning.
True communication in my relationships is a work in progress. I had expressed my true feelings very rarely in my life, and as a result had removed myself from even knowing what I was feeling. So being “more honest” with myself first, and acknowledging and allowing myself to actually feel what I felt was a big step. In denying or over riding what I felt I didn’t need to express, and therefore didn’t need to feel the fear and trepidation, that in my experience accompanied truthfully expressing. Like yourself JY my trust of myself and others, and truly allowing myself to feel what I feel, is allowing a continuing unfoldment of feeling and communication.
This feels profound Kate. It seems that we will go to any lengths to protect ourselves from being hurt. When we actually go there and feel these hurts it actually isn’t so bad and the freedom that follows after we have felt and acknowledged the hurt we are holding, is quite amazing. What a weird set-up that we buy into – against our own best interests and the interests of all.
JY, something I really like about what you have shared, is the reality that these manipulations can be so very subtle. They can slowly build until a dynamic has been established that is on a scale of abuse, from the overt and physical to the emotional and subtle.
Absolutely Joel and we shut down, numb out or convince ourselves of another reality other than the one at hand, we become further desensitised to the subtlety of abuse and allow more of it to enter – this becomes the new baseline on which we stand, allowing more or deeper levels of abuse to pour in.
The first abuse is to ourselves in going against everything we know to be True.
So poignant what is shared here: ‘How often do we speak but remain unheard?’
But, how does one arrive at a situation where they speak but are not heard? There are some people for whom their every word is heard and honoured, at least among family and friends (maybe not quite every word, but they have people in their lives dedicated to hearing them).
Could it be that we actually orchestrate the arrangements in which we won’t be heard? Perhaps without conscious awareness, do we read people when we first meet them, clock their patterns, weaknesses and insecurities, determine how these could play out with us if we met them in our fullness and choose a way of being to hide our truth and instead present what we know will not trigger the issues and hurts of the other person? Sounds crazy but, could the reason we enter into such an elaborate charade be to keep our own hurts from being triggered while still satisfying (if to a greatly reduced extent) our need for connection with others?
It is quite incredible that two people, who share everything at the beginning of their relationship and can’t get enough of each other, sooner or later collapse into a state of inertia, caution and mistrust that can go as far as one, and very often the woman, treading on eggshells lest the other get upset or even violent. What is it that we are not getting about relationships, why do we put up with it, how come we get so complacent and just put up with what we shouldn’t put up with?
Hi Gabriele, It is totally incredible that we go from ‘can’t get enough’ of each other to ‘treading on eggshells’ and certainly for me it was having chosen this path of financial comfort I was more concerned with not rocking the boat than being honest. Even when I left I wasn’t able to speak up and be honest because the cement of that way of being was well and truly set and I did not have the foundation of truth from which to speak.
“knowing any issues or behaviours in a relationship need to be addressed and openly talked about as they affect everybody.” Exactly! within relationships we often forget the affect that we can have on others lives and how much we truly impact the world, from my experience it is in the times when I loose sight of the impact that the relationship I have between someone has on everyone else then I can get lost in the relationship and become very insular, appreciating the relationships and connecting to the ways in which it can affect the world help me not to get lost like this
It’s true that ‘True communication within relationships is not something we are taught’ unless our parents have perfected the art, which lets be frank, is probably quite uncommon. It’s been a revelation to learn how to self-reflect more deeply on my own behaviours and patters which create a block in my ability to fully connect with another, whilst being open to someone else’s blocks in terms of their negative behaviours and patterns and not holding it against them.
So true Rachel the more I am able to lovingly reflect on my own connection blocks the more I am able to recognise without judging another’s blocks and where appropriate open the possibility of discussion up.
“True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.”
This is so important for me as a teacher because I see the education department bringing in incentives to teach children right behavior, respectful consideration for others and ways to deal with bullying however it feels like they are missing this important point. That it starts with setting up an open environment for the child to feel free and trusting to be themselves in and then from there to be encouraged to express from their heart and body what’s been going on for them. Instead I see the children embroiled in comparison and competitive behavior and this is encouraged by the teachers as they constantly award and congratulate the children for getting higher grades but not for just being themselves.
Communicating with close friends can be tricky when invested in a way of being that is comfortable for you within the relationship with them, so whatever need you have from them will depend on the level of honesty or truth that you go into with them. Valueing myself more and wanting more true love for myself from myelf, helps me to choose to be truer in all of my interactions, even if it feels a little squirmy at the time.
Thank you JY. Challenging your colleague was a real act of love and hence why it was so healing for both of you.
A true relationship is being open and honest in all we do in life. Good communications, and never being afraid to express our feelings.
Relationships are about being honest, truthful and communicating. When we don’t hold back with others we create space for them to be open with us. I have been working on deepening my relationship with my husband, the open communication has allowed for the deepening of our love and trust for each other. This has also supported both of us in working on our relationships with others, by not holding back. It is so interesting to understand how so many people will hold back in communicating incase of offending another, I know I have been there. But as I work on my relationship with my husband, it is becoming easier with relationships with others.
Thank-you JY. Every interaction is a relationship, I agree.
It all begins with honesty – such as you’ve so deeply shared here – honesty first and foremost with ourselves, that we may bring this to others. It’s not rocket science, and yet the way we interrelate is either what completely sustains us in life, or pulls us down – oftentimes dramatically so. Societally, we seem a long way off taking real responsibility here.
There is just so much to learn, grow from and deepen in our understanding in our relationships. And how powerfully we are supported by Universal Medicine, its courses, presentations and workshops, to acknowledge these layers of all that we feel, and commit to living with ourselves and each other in ways that ARE sustainable by virtue of their clarity, deep respect and love.
It may take a long time to rid ourselves of the ideals and beliefs of what is is to be a sister or brother, husband or wife, mother or father but how worthwhile it is. I have still not let go completely of all of this but have, with the help of Universal Medicine and it’s practitioners, of Serge Benhayon and Simone Benhayon, come a long way towards truthful and truly loving relationships.
Totally agree Elaine, and what a freedom there is to be found when we let go of the attachments and needs! A freedom for all in those relationships.
This is such a powerful blog, JY. This line struck me while (re) reading: “In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it.” How often do we take that moment to feel and appreciate what a tremendous thing love is? That it is far beyond just what is felt for our partner or family. And more than that how often do we communicate that to those whom we have a relationship with? Keeping in mind that as you have beautifully said, we have a relationship with everyone. This does not mean telling every bus driver and checkout person that you love them, but we can be loving with them just as much as we are with our family, and communicate that love through our appreciation of them.
Hi Naren, this did make me smile ‘This does not mean telling every bus driver and checkout person that you love them, but we can be loving with them just as much as we are with our family, and communicate that love through our appreciation of them.’ but it is very true our movements show love or not love without any word having to be spoken. Thank you for this reminder.
Its really great that we are starting to break down the ideals of relationships being with just a few chosen ones or family members, and the fact that we are in relationship with the all – all the time. This for me is very humbling. We are from one family and that is humanity.
This is a truly lovely comment Simone ‘We are from one family and that is humanity.’
It is so true and profound when we begin the process of letting go and allowing everyone the same quality of love and relationship. It is the foundation of deepening our connection with everyone and it is forever evolving as we broaden our perception of the world, and how amazing we are even when we are holding back from expressing our essence, as that essence will remain forever true and forever who we are come what may.
Thank you JY for sharing this.. I too have had a similar experience where the initial jokes directed at me were subtle putdowns, which I felt, but over-rode rationalising that these were my friends and it was just a joke, so I must be imagining it or they couldn’t really mean it.. However I discovered fairly quickly that when it is not addressed, that energy is given free rein to balloon into outright abuse, and then it is much harder to address. So there is much to understand in why we don’t straight away put a stop to something for fear of offending or being wrong, or optimistically hoping it would pass. It doesn’t. And the hurt is felt deeply regardless. I now realise that there was a responsibility in there for me to express how I felt and claiming a different kind of relationship with them. And if I had been able to hold that level of love, we would all have had the opportunity to learn and grow.
in my volunteer role as a shopping support assistant I recently found myself browsing the so-called humorous section of greetings cards. A total misnomer as far as I am concerned, the mildest I found to be unkind in the extreme and the worst to be rude and abusive.
As a child I was always encouraged to laugh with people never at them.
Hi Kathie, This is a great point and not one I had considered. Humour itself is often cruel designed to make someone lesser and I hadn’t stopped to think of the humour on cards which is in fact exactly the same. Thank you
This is so true. Growing up someone constantly played jokes with people and they were always to make the person the joke was being played on to look stupid. It felt awful, yet everyone else would laugh and add to the insult, so I learnt to dull my feelings here. Something that I then used to deal with other derogatory, hurtful remarks for many years. If I be honest, I can still find myself doing this, thinking it is not so bad, etc. Now though after reading your comments Annie, Kathie and JY I feel much more empowered to say the truth of how such conversation feels when it is going on around me.
I know what you mean Anne, I have many times allowed that kind of abuse, where people seem like they are making a joke but weren’t. I was always afraid to put a stop to it from the fear of letting them know that what they said could hurt me thus making me even more vulnerable.
JY, have you wondered why you chose such a boyfriend? I chose a woman in the past who did not treat me well and I found it was quite a deliberate choice because what she did suited me. When I finally truly did not want anymore of it, the relationship was over on the next day.
Hi Christoph, Oh yes I have considered why I chose both boyfriends and the second I actually married! It was about the beliefs I carried in relation to what I deserved and also what I wanted. I knew that I would have physical comfort ie financial comfort even though I would be controlled and my whole aim at that time was not to have financial struggle in my life! – My parents struggled financially all through my childhood. Great point Christoph. I stayed until the balance between having financial comfort and being controlled were no longer in balance and I realised the comfort was not worth the price I was paying so I left. This is probably one of my more honest moments of the past and when I was able to begin looking at my life although truly looking only began with Universal Medicine and re-connecting to me.
How many times do we remain unheard? This is a question I often find myself asking particularly of myself. The answer is often that I am still not truly expressing the whole picture because otherwise the truth would be felt. Sometimes the other person is not open to hearing what I have to offer, and in those moments I am still learning to not take that as a personal failure which inevitably becomes a hurt, because if I do it only perpetuates the first scenario of me holding back from expressing my all.
Hi Jenny, Kim made a really valid point in relation to others not being willing or not ready to hear ‘, “the truth always finds somewhere to land”. Even if they don’t seem to feel the truth then and there, it has landed in their body for another time.’ which for me just made so much sense. How many times have I heard truth which I don’t fully take on board but when I’m ready the piece of wisdom which has already been lit within me comes alive.
How beautiful JY to feel that when we are ‘ready the piece of wisdom which has already been lit within me comes alive’ – I feel I know just what you mean. It’s as though we suddenly become alive to the wisdom that has been laying dormant like a seed in the ground and needs time to germinate before we are willing to see and feel the full impact of the beautiful flower that emerges when the time is right, and we are ready to embrace the beauty of the wisdom that is there in our lives as a constant flow of love. It feels as though the more I trust the more open I become to the wisdom that is offered to us all by the Universe.
Oh yes Susan, I can see the tip of the flower peeping through the soil as it bursts into life.
“This of course means communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments, both of my own and others.” Such a great way of maintaining love, honouring and equality, which are all vital for the relationship to evolve.
It is through Universal Medicine and its practitioners that I have discovered the importance of true communications and expression and it is incredible how little of this there has been in my life. What is amazing though is how this can change and how relationships can change with myself, family , friends and work colleagues. Though I find this challenging at times it is worth it.
The part about the cutting the jokes from work colleague was interesting, so many people don’t feel into what they say, its words said with no substance and not words that connect. To cut it and be able to share with him how it felt to be the receiver of the jokes, and he got it! What a powerful healing for both of you. Thank you for sharing this blog JY
Hi Natalie, its actually quite sad that when our true natural way is loving that we take on these behaviours that are actually so far from who we truly are and not loving at all. The more our awareness grows the more easily we can call out the behaviours. It was a tremendous healing.
Yes it was interesting Natalie and JY. I grew up in a family who used this type of humour and I recall feeling very hurt growing up on the receiving end of it, yet then I found myself doing it as an adult! Letting sayings and common jokes be my expression which then come with sarcasm. I have learnt to feel into what I say and I learning to express from me instead of from my head, or to be funny etc.
It’s amazing what we hold onto in relationships and convince ourselves that what we have is in fact love, when all we are really accepting, are the dregs or leftovers that we just scrape up and serve up to another or accept for ourselves from our own built up undeservingness.
When you realise that we are way more deserving of and in fact naturally are, amazing, forever love, all of your relationships change, and what was once an insular existence, can’t help but become full on universal.
Great comment Julie and so true – love is all encompassing and never is it selective. I love that we are full on Universal 🙂
I am truly appreciative of all that Universal Medicine presents too, for how much my relationships with family, friends, colleagues and strangers in the supermarket have changed over the past few years through my being offered the awareness of who I am, re-building this relationship first and then opening that up to allow others to begin to see who I truly am and therefore who they are too.
Hi Greg, I totally agree, I cannot imagine where my life would be now had I not been offered the truth through attendance at Universal Medicine workshops which enable us all to begin building that relationship with self. That true connection we make with our self and then others is so very beautiful.
An inspiring sharing JY. How beautifully we all grow with such openness and tenderness. The photograph above is truly touching too, I can feel the equality of these hands meeting and the exquisite strength of our delicateness.
JY you have such an authentic voice when you express. You brought love and understanding to why we can hold back expressing in our relationships and very gently demonstrated through the experience you had with your colleague that there is so much richness between people when we come forwards to share what is felt and there to be shared.
I’ve noticed as I hold a connection with myself and look into the eyes of the person I am speaking with often there seems to come an openness between us even when I don’t know the other person. Its a really lovely moment between two people and I feel at this time I have known this person with my heart. It then gives me a deeper appreciation of myself and every other person on the planet. It’s magic really.
It really is magic Elizabeth and when we don’t choose connection we deny ourselves and others that magic – Crazy!
“This of course means communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments, both of my own and others.” Beautifully expressed JY, because when a foundation of communicating appreciation with others is there, I feel it makes it easier to express the false or what is not true.
Hi Jacqueline, This is a really good point if we have that foundation of communicating appreciation it is far easier to then also communicate the more difficult or what is not true.
I agree Jacqueline. Because appreciating another confirms who they truly are, so when we have a problem to resolve, they are held in that love and understanding so that the the relationships can go to a deeper level. Communication can effect relationship positively or negatively. It is what relationships are based on.
I more and more get aware how communication, true and intimate communication is important to connect deeply with one another.
JY, I found this a very powerful read. Thank you. I have also found that expressing honestly in all relationships is the key to being in truly loving ones. I am currently letting myself express the not so popular things which can make some people uncomfortable, but if I don’t, I have realised that the unsaid just hangs in between us and gets in the way of us taking our connection deeper, and instead our relationship becomes stagnate and ‘comfortable’. I have come to know that this is not how I want my relationships to be thanks to the teachings of Universal Medicine and my own willingness to put truth before comfort.
Hi Robyn, I agree once the choice is made that relationships will be based on truth there is no going back, the tension in the body is just not worth it! I love how you have been willing to choose truth over that comfort.
JY this is a great blog to read over and over – there are many pearls of wisdom and Magic of God moments to be enjoyed. Today this resonates deeply – ““In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth”.
Yes a beautiful pearl Stephanie and JY. This makes so much sense – how can we have a loving relationship if it is not based on truth?
I really enjoyed reading this, it got me to stop and consider all of my relationships and how easily we can not pay attention to things and not express how we actually feel in different situations. Thank you for your sharing.
I agree, Kristy. I can slip into complacency within my relationships so as not to ‘rock the boat’ but it doesn’t feel good to live in this way nor does it honour myself or anyone else by not addressing what needs to be addressed. So recently I have been brave and am expressing what I am feeling and bringing a new level of honesty to all my relationships and it feels AMAZING! I feel less tension in my body even though I may not get a great response back, it doesn’t seem to matter that much to me anymore, because living a life and having relationships based on truth is now more paramount to me than anything else.
Yes I agree, Richard. I have never felt comfortable with humour at the expense of another. There always felt to be an undertone of something else and defence, a lack of self assurance, is definitely a prime factor for this.
This is such a beautiful and deeply inquiring blog into relationships of every kind starting with ourselves first, I love it
and honour it’s importance thank you.The ideals and beliefs we can hold onto however subtle really do keep us away from being the true love we really are and I know this for myself and am feeling it all the time in so many situations /relationships all the time, calling one to go deeper as otherwise the relationship /connection /conversation feels almost trivial when there is so much more underneath not expressed. True love from within expressed is the only way to be and everything else is less and it all starts with loving honesty from within, and honouring ourselves and how we feel in every moment.Thank you
Thank you Tricia, I love how everyday we are given new opportunities to look at how we are in our relationships, the reflection they give us is such a clear indicator of how we are living.
It’s great to re-read your article JY, ‘knowing any issues or behaviours in a relationship need to be addressed and openly talked about as they affect everybody’, this is something that I have previously struggled with, talking openly and honestly when something does not feel right and i notice that if I do not say something then there is a tension in the relationship, I have been scared of people reacting to me saying the truth in the past, but reading this I can feel what a blessing it is also for the person I’m speaking the truth with, calling out behaviours that are not loving that affect everyone, rather than allowing theses behaviours to continue and to be damaging.
Absolutely Rebecca if we do not speak up, do not give another the opportunity to feel the situation whatever it might be then we harm because that moment could be the difference between realisation or continuing a behaviour.
Truth delivered with Love is healing for all involved. This is certainly my experience and the more I commit to speaking the Truth from the Love I have for myself, and in turn humanity, the more powerful my words seem to be.
Rebecca , I too used to be scared of the reaction that I might get from someone when I spoke the truth – I didn’t want to hurt them so I would choose to hold back the truth and in the process creating a “tension in the relationship”. Now I know that I was not only hurting myself by doing so, but also them, whereas by expressing all that needs to be expressed, I am offering the potential for a healing for both of us.
Knowing that I have a relationship with everyone including myself, not just those close to me changes my whole understanding of relationships. I meet a lot of people at work in the supermarket and it has made such a difference, I connect to them on a much deeper level than I used to, and they often stop and chat to me or wave and smile as they go by whether I am serving them or not.
It was lovely to read Alison how you are developing relationships with those who come to the store where you work. Its really touching to know that you connecting with them builds that relationship and how lovely it must be for them to know they have this developing relationship with you.
There is a person in my office who is a very sarcastic person and makes jokes about our fellow employees. I react to these jokes but I remain silent because I know if I say something then this person will get really upset with me. From this blog I now know to honour my feelings and to feel what it is to feel and from this I will be able to express the truth and not reactive words. Thank you JY.
Thank you Lindell, I am very touched to hear that you will honour your feelings and express with love the truth which needs to be heard.
True and open communication is indeed healing. I have found that developing relationships where I can openly express what is going on, call each other out if something that is said or done doesn’t feel OK but always with the intent to hold the other in love develops intimacy with ourselves as well as with others. This level of connection feels expansive and is to be shared by all. This has now becomes my new normal way of being in relationships and anything less no longer measures up.
I love what you have written here Donna about building honest relationships and developing intimacy. For me, developing my level of honesty with myself and within all my relationships opens me up to let people see who I am on the inside, to get close to me, to see my soft underbelly. Which also in turn makes the foundations of my relationships more and more based on Truth and this is the case with people I know well and also complete strangers.
Hi Donna, I can feel the truth and expansion in your words and how that builds an intimacy with both ourselves and others.
Love your blog JY and have often had similar thoughts “True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.”
Hi Tamara, Yes and it makes me wonder what other ‘normal’ things do we do which in fact are far from normal but are behaviours we pick up from those around us and never question.
There are specific moments when I hear or read something and a massive and magical piece of the wisdom of life aligns with-in me. Thank you JY you have delivered one of these for me: “In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth”.
Thank you Sandra, its a gift for us to be a reflection of truth to one another.
“At the time I knew this wasn’t right but I didn’t understand then that teamwork was the key, meeting one another in love and only love, in order to develop a relationship that was true.” Yes a relationship is always between two people which makes it indeed teamwork – it is never about only one person looking at their issue it is about looking at it both for yourself and together at the whole picture.
I agree Lieke, Relationship is about people connecting, communicating and working together to develop their relationship. One person alone cannot change the relationship both equally must choose to do so.
Agree Richard, there are so many ways to keep conversations at a ‘comfortable’ level, I think many of us can relate to that. The question is why do we do that! The only thing it’s doing is keeping us from feeling a greater connection with the other person. So what we are actually fighting with all these strategies is the natural pull for two or more persons to develop greater love between them.
It can be very subtle at times how I may accommodate or pander to another needs at the expense of my own in order to avoid upset or conflict or appease another. Developing true relationships indeed starting with a true relationship with myself based on love.
Hi Jenny, yes the subtlety can allow us to hide from the truth as we don’t see the behaviour for what it is. It is essential as you say to build that true relationship with self which allows us to feel all we need to feel in order to truly communicate.
This is the hardest pattern for me to break ,Jenny. Women have often been the “peacemakers” in families and relationships but in a true relationship there is only honesty and truth – peacemakers are not required!!
Absolutely Michelle! This makes my day too!
Me too, it is such a gorgeous feeling to connect with another.
You are quite right when you say that we have a relationship with everyone we meet and interact with, not just with our intimate partners. And thus, they need to be honoured and developed with honesty and openness and the way you talked to your work colleague is a truly inspiring example.
Learning to express in relationships is an essential part of building self worth and confidence. As I appreciate and lovingly care for myself each day, this foundation supports me to hold what needs to be expressed and receive others expression in return.
Hi Emma, yes absolutely if we have little or no self esteem we certainly won’t be expressing truth. I totally agree building our own foundation of love and self care allows us to express and of course to listen and accept the wisdom others have to share.
This is such a great blog. The subtle manipulations within relationships are toxic to us. For me it is happening sometimes before I can catch it. The dishonesty that still runs in my relationship with others and self is still something that I have to be aware of everyday. I feel that it is deeply ingrained and its writings like this one that help to bring this energy to the fore and to clearly see it for what it is and to also clearly know that it is not us.
It is so important JY for us to learn earlier, rather than later to always love self first and to be honest with the other person about anything that bothers us in the relationship. To see ourselves equal and deserving of Love from another or others is important for a harmonious Loving relationship .
Yes Roslyn and what came to me from you comment was if we don’t speak up when these things are felt so often it gets harder and harder to do so.
I recently exposed the lovelessness that I was accepting as love with a close family member. When I chose to confront this truth and feel it, it was painful at the time, but I have since been able to bring all of me as a loving package to that person with absolutely no need and the whole experience has freed me up inside. The key was my own love, and holding that love with that person. Seeing the held back belief around being the mother as just that, a belief that I chose to hold onto to not step into my natural lovely and tender womanly self and be that with them. Now if I feel some tension when I am interacting with them, I catch myself and remind myself, I am just being love here, that is all that is required. I let my sweet, tender love guide me.
Hi Julie, ‘ I let my sweet, tender love guide me.’ That is a lovely comment and one we can all learn from. Thank you
Such a beautiful honest, tender share Julie, thank you. I love the last line; I let my sweet tender love guide me.
What a great blog JY. Nothing starts without being love; it is the first step in building a foundation of any relationship with anyone. Without self love, all you will have are arrangements with others.
It is great to re-read this blog and I love your comment Steve that, ” Without self love, all you will have are arrangements with others”. It is so true and as this blog expresses so clearly, being truthful is essential for a true relationship – this applies equally to being truthful with oneself to build that foundation.
Hi Jonathan, ‘ this applies equally to being truthful with oneself to build that foundation.’ I agree if we cannot be truthful with ourselves then there is no foundation for us to speak from.
There comes a point with arrangements are not enough anymore. Why would we want to compromise in a relationship when we could live with total honesty and truth which allows more of the true love inside of us to shine through. Yes, it may be painful and confronting at times, but honesty is definitely the best policy, and that begins with honesty with ourselves.
I love this Steve: “Nothing starts without being love.” Perfect for me to take into my day, thank you.
Awesomely said Ariana, the relationship we have with ourselves is the relationship we take to the world and the quality of the relationships we get back. What’s the saying you get what you give out.
Since a month I started a new job. I meet many people during my day, and it gives me so many opportunities to connect with many people. This is something I have missed working most the time on my computer. With everyone I connect I have a relationship and the opportunity to meet from equalness and love.
That’s beautiful Monika so many opportunities to connect from equalness and love. We had the opportunity to do a fire evacuation at work (practise) recently and its hardly the sort of situation that would seem to be an opportunity to connect but it absolutely was. I work in a small team within a larger team and just the small group came together we actually had a really lovely session and it confirms what possibilities are there to be embraced always building relationships.
I just had to come back to your blog again and today what ‘caught my eye’ was : “In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it.” This is something I am now getting better at, there is much more room for me to practice even more communication, especially where I feel it might be a little uncomfortable at times.
With that knowing Katie we can say that when there are trouble in relationships it’s just showing us that we have things to work on, which is good. I’m not saying that I’m welcoming everything with open arms but I’m not saying no either.
To be able to express what is felt is the art of true communication I feel, whilst it may not be felt or acknowledged by the other their is a deep honouring and truth in expressing what is energetically felt.
Being love first. What a simple statement and one that is truly healing for all people. It is amazing how much we seem to ‘think’ we are being loving but really we are being nice, or polite. When you sat with your work college and shared with him how you felt and what you were picking up on, this is love. The ability to truly share what your feeling without getting a reaction and / or fight. I have found that I have had to be very sensitive when I was sharing with someone something that I felt that was happening either in the work place or personally but if it truly is done with love then the other person feels that and receives a beautiful blessing.
Jy, once again I enjoyed your blog and felt inspired by your strength to speak out about what you felt wasn’t love. “How many times do we speak but remain unheard?”, this line got me. This is something I tend to fear, which can stop me speaking my truth. Someone made a comment the other day to me that was, “the truth always finds somewhere to land”. Even if they don’t seem to feel the truth then and there, it has landed in their body for another time.
Hi Kim, What a wise comment ‘ the truth always finds somewhere to land’ its a great point you make here that even if they don’t appear to take the truth on board it has in fact landed in their body and will be consciously embraced when they are ready. Cool
What an amazing and wonderful Universe we live in where everything that is energetically recorded is there to offer us an opportunity to change, if not now then later. We live in a world that requires instant gratification but the Universe is offering us a far bigger and more magnificent picture that we will all one day understand fully.
Great Point Susan, ‘we live in a world that requires instant gratification’, the universe offers so much more than that and the bigger, more glorious picture offered is there for us to connect to if we so choose.
Such a great reminder of the power of truth being delivered.
Wow JY, what an inspirational blog. It felt so humbling to read the story you shared of your honesty and openness with your colleague. I too welled up with tears reading it because I know it’s possible to have this kind of communication with others yet I’ve spent most of my life brushing off what I’ve felt and being nice which actually allows the behaviour to fester. Like you it’s only since attending Universal Medicine workshops that I have experienced such true open expression with others and it’s so much more healing and the how I’d like my relationships to evolve. It’s a work in progress for sure, one that I’m exploring so it’s great to be reminded that it’s about teamwork, about what both people can bring. It’s not just about me being open it’s about their willingness to hear what is being said and all that starts by reconnecting to truth and ‘meeting one another in love and only love.’ Thank you.
Hi Candida oh yes I know nice, I spent most of my life being a nice person – but no more. Ha, now it is time to be honest and yes its a work in progress for me too if I catch myself at work in particular holding back, maybe only saying part of what I feel needs to be said then I take a gentle breath and begin again.
Me too Candida. I have learnt so much from Universal Medicine in how I communicate, learning to express from what I feel and not hold back. The effect on my relationship is deepening and uniting and I see the ripple effect it has on others. A work in progress for me too.
This whole blog is delivered with such tenderness and grace – I cherish the relationship you have with us all JY. This sentence was pure gold for me ” In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it.” I have seen first hand how living this one sentence transforms relationships and your blog inspires me to continue to bring truth to my relationships to the best of my ability.
Thank you Leonne, Universal Medicine is an inspiration in true communication and my appreciation for the true education which has come my way through them is immense.
“When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with. ” I agree JY….and also appreciate the honesty and truth of what is shared at Universal Medicine presentations.
I too have come to realise how all our every day interactions with others is relationship. It has completely changed how I am with people – in the past only those ‘special’ people in my life got to see all of me, whereas now I show everyone who I am, and life is so much more joyful – for myself and for others, and with this comes an equalness and harmony in all relationships.
It is interesting what you have shared Paula with the point, “…in the past only those ‘special’ people in my life got to see all of me, whereas now I show everyone who I am,…” as I too can relate to this and when I read your comment I realised that everyone deserves all of us equally so. Thanks for the reminder that we are all equal and no one person or group of people is more special than another.
It is amazing me how uncomfortable I have been with communicating what is really going on for me in a relationship. This means any relationship where we work, play, live together not just the one on one partner/spouse relationships, all of them. There are many reasons that I’ve developed and even perfected to not communicate, but what I’m learning very fast is that none are sustainable and they do not support my well-being, physical or mental. I have to be willing to understand and develop the muscles needed to open up and be a bit vulnerable. It’s just like developing any muscle the more it’s practiced the stronger and more supportive it becomes. The best part is it becomes less and less scary very quickly and I’m really starting to appreciate and have fun with my expression.
I love the use of the term ‘muscle’ ‘It’s just like developing any muscle the more it’s practiced the stronger and more supportive it becomes.’ It really is like that – we develop our way of living and that in turn, just like developing our muscle, allows us to be stronger in our connection and therefore honest in our living way and communication.
JY I too have been playing with communication openly and I can feel the hesitation a lot of the time as it doesn’t feel ‘normal’ to go there but once I do I can feel the other person is so much more engaged and really with me. Their response with my openness naturally brings this out in them and I naturally want to open up even more. A total win win scenario.
Hi Natalie, isn’t it tricky that ‘normal’ thing, where was it we started thinking that not communicating truth was normal. Isn’t it so beautiful to let go of what we ‘think’ is normal and speak out anyway.
It is indeed beautiful and also very liberating too as it starts to dissolve the ties that bind us to such behaviour.
This is lovely Natalie. It just goes to show that even though it doesn’t feel normal that in fact it is our true and natural way of being. That once we open up we naturally want to open up more. We all want connection and true relationship with each other.
So true, truth and honesty are the keys to building a loving trusting connection.
Thank you JY, love this blog!
Yes Natalie and it starts with embracing ourselves first and the potential for true relationship with others can evolve.
Since I have been consciously more expressing lately I am a lot more aware of the fact that when I do not express what is needed to be said I instantly feel less vital and when I express everything I want to say I have more energy and feel expanded. This awareness supports me to connect more deeply in relationship with myself and another.
Hi Mary-Louise, This is so true – the effect on our physicality when we choose to not express what actually is there to be said. Also the expansion and joy which comes in the body when we don’t hold back and express, I have felt such joy when I do express and the lightness of being it brings is stunning.
This is great JY, what really stands out for me this time reading your article is ‘In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it.’ This is something that I have found very hard to do in the past, I am starting to speak up now in relationships if something does not feel right and when I do it feels amazing to express this. I’m enjoying expressing my love and appreciation for people now as before because of my own lack of self worth this was something that i found hard to do.
Reading your blog again today JY, what stood out for me was “communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments,” – I am really noticing how this feels in my body when I am in true communications and also how it opens up these relationships to much more depth and authenticity – it is an evolving process yet already very liberating for all, thank you for sharing.
These undertones you speak of JY are so insipid, it is the accumulation of these subtleties that amount to the level of abuse we are prepared to live with. Indeed it is not until i reached my 30’s that i realised the nickname i had worn for all these years was in fact a label that i had actually embodied, a diminished, unseen version of me.
That’s a point Lucinda that I hadn’t picked up on, how we can live with it subtly and always brush it off because we don’t feel it a as big hit in one go. It’s a deceiving way in which energy can work. Slowing etching away without us knowing.
It is unfortunately very true that we don’t get taught about relationships and what works and doesn’t work, neither at home nor at school. It seems that everybody just puts up with what is not okay and actually feels downright terrible and calls it ‘normal’.
How utterly crazy is that Gabriele that everybody just puts up with what is not okay! Perhaps as there are more people becoming aware that this way of communication in relationships isn’t it things will change.
Thank you JY this is such a powerful blog. From your very first paragraph I could relate to what you were sharing. It wasn’t until I started attending Universal Medicine that I realised what true relationships are about.
I agree Jade – It wasn’t until Universal Medicine that I began to see what a true relationship looked like not only with others but with self also. To honour and love your self completely and to live from this way I had not experienced in my world before. Universal Medicine has offered back to humanity true relating.
I totally agree Jade and Simone, without Universal Medicine and the truth within the presentations I would not have begun to look at my own relationships including the relationship I have with myself. Its a gift we have all been given and one to be truly appreciated.
Wow, JY. This is such a beautiful study of what true relationship is all about, and the power that bringing truth to our everyday relationships can have. Thank you.
You raised an important point concerning how important it is to communicate. In our society communication comes much too short be it in relationships, be it in workplaces, schools etc. How would it be different when we took the time and patience to communicate with each other?
Hi Kerstin, Reading your comment made me stop for a moment and consider what forms of communication we have in the world and the types of training we have and many are there to bring about an outcome whether it be in sales targets or being seen as a ‘good communicator’ and I have accessed several forms of training other than Universal Medicine but none of them ever asked me to communicate truly from what I feel in a given situation, only Universal Medicine have ever shown me this way.
It is very interesting how relationships of any kind are such an important part of our lives and yet we get no real education on how to be in a relationship. We simply are not taught how to re-connect with ourselves and then another.
How true Elizabeth its a huge part of our lives and its seems so obvious now you have stated it why don’t we get true education on this subject! Is it possible that the majority of those who teach have not had any education on this either? Is it even part of our general conscious awareness that we don’t communicate fully with love and truth?
Yes Richard, the games we play in relationships because of protection and hurt, keep us away from the very thing we are yearning for, true brotherhood.
I love what you are presenting here JY and how your relationships have changed with you willingness to express and bring the truth with love. I too have been more open to seeing all of my interactions as relationships and to bringing all of me and the quality of this connection to everyone I meet. There is much joy in interacting with people this way and it feels very natural.
” I didn’t understand then that teamwork was the key, meeting one another in love and only love, in order to develop a relationship that was true.” When we link this simple and beautiful statement with “When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with”, we can feel how expanding that is to include all of humanity. The photo at the top of the article of the gentle hands shows the quality of what is possible for all of us everywhere if we begin to address our relationships in the way you have expressed JY.
Hi Joan, yes all of humanity, I agree the photograph shows such a gentleness of being and connecting – truly beautiful.
This is such a beautiful blog JY. yes we are in relationship all the time. Not just in relationship with a partner or friend or family, but with our environment and the very universe we inhabit.
I love the way you describe your relationship with your work colleague and how you communicate the sensitivity, truth and care that occurred between you. Such a happening is very humbling.
What a great point Lyndy ‘Not just in relationship with a partner or friend or family, but with our environment and the very universe we inhabit.’ This expands what I have said and asks us to consider everything around us. Beautiful
Great point in expanding the understanding of relationships JY. They are not just what we have with our partner or family, but with everyone in our lives, from the cashier at the supermarket to new employee at work. All relationships deserve attention and fine-tuning to allow harmony to flow, as it should. Harmony is our natural way of being together and anything less than this quality must be investigated and brought to the fore with honesty and care, as you so beautifully experienced with your work colleague JY.
Beautifully put Rachael, true relationships is true harmony.
This morning I sat and felt into what is being shared and could feel the impact of my past behaviours and how I manipulated situations to get my own way. Yes it goes back to my childhood and how at times still that behaviour can and does sometimes makes an appearance into my long term relationship with my partner and those around me – ouch!!! It is so important to keep those expression channels open. You share a great example with your work colleague, to express and share like this is so very healing for all concerned. Thank you an awesome article.
Hi Marion, thank you for your sharing – it is only in feeling that we can truly access the truth. Our parents would have been raised and educated in much the same way and simply pass on what they have learnt so taking the opportunity to change how we communicate and offer that to all is a new beginning for humanity.
Thank you JY. You have exposed the lovelessness within relationships that we so often accept as ‘normal’. It seems that it is so much more common to walk away from relationships these days than to communicate and express honestly within them. I love how you have shown how powerful and simple it is to build love in all relationships by just expressing how you feel.
The sign of a true relationship is not one that does not rock the boat, but to the contrary one that is actually prepared to not just rock the boat but tip the participants out of the boat if necessary for that relationship to become true. Too often we confuse comfort with truth, resting in the illusion that our relationship is true because it does not push our buttons. This is not to say relationships should be fire and brimstone, but rather to say that they should be refreshingly honest so that what needs to be worked on is not buried but rather allowed to be seen so that it can be dealt with in full. This sometimes makes for some uncomfortable moments, but ensures that our relationships have the forever potential to evolve to new depths of love.
Good point Adam how often have we thought that a relationship where no one rocks the boat is a harmonious one – but in fact it is often one where no one speaks the truth in order for things to bumble along – more of an arrangement than a relationship.
“In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen”, I love this JY, and I love the honesty and truth in your blog. I had a very interesting experience with someone recently. We were having a discussion and he suddenly asked me about Universal Medicine. I felt that was my chance to speak my truth, no holding back. I was amazed because to someone I hadn’t known very long I was expressing my true feelings and there came a point when he said he saw the ‘real me’ come out and he was touched by this. This also made me realised that by not expressing myself truly, and retreating into my ‘reactionary shell’ I wasn’t being the true me. This I know already, but experiencing such an amazing experience first hand, has really confirmed to me that expressing truthfully and being honest allows not only myself, but others to open up too.
Hi Sandra, I can totally relate to this, I had a conversation with a medical professional recently and just found myself talking about Universal Medicine and how much I appreciate my time at the courses, everything I have learnt and my whole being was alight and her response like your experience was that she had felt such a depth in what was being expressed and it was another marker that I can feel when I am truly expressing how my body comes alive.
‘ I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with.’ this is something that I never used to consider as I just considered a ‘relationship’ to be with your partner but we actually have a relationship with everyone we come into contact with.
Your first two lines said it all for me JY. I used to think that manipulations within personal relationships were just normal – that’s just how it was. In fact, looking back I can see that there were many ill behaviours in my relationships that I accepted as being normal, and of course as consequence they weren’t very loving relationships, and they didn’t last, but it took me a while to get the message they were bringing me. Looking back I can see quite clearly that I wasn’t raised to express freely, in fact I was often encouraged to hold back the truth, or to present a “nicer” version, and this slowly became part of my “normal” way of expressing, measuring what to say and when to say it. Since attending the presentations from Serge Benhayon I have come to realise the incredible power of our expression, that it can either harm or heal, not only us, but the relationships we are in, in every aspect of our lives. I now understand that we are never, not in a relationship and the foundation of all my relationships is the quality of the one I have with me.
Wow Ingrid, the whole blog in one paragraph – awesome.
I agree Richard- it can be challenging to feel the equal-ness that is possible in all relationships especially in a workplace setting where teams are often built on hierarchical structures. I can feel myself at times influenced by these structures rather than feeling the absolute gorgeousness of true equality. I have really felt this in my relationships with my children however and in allowing them to be my teachers our relationship has completely changed to one of true connection and love.
I am finding that the more honesty I bring and openness to my relationships the deeper they are going. Often I will feel anxiousness come up when there is something I want to express but I am worried about how it will be received. Once upon a time, I would of let the anxiousness get in the way and hold me back what there was to share. These days, when I feel the anxiousness, I take a moment to reconnect to me and then share from the most loving way that I can. It is getting easier and I am building more and more trust that this is the only way to build true relationships.
Beautifully said Donna, allowing ourselves to feel in the moment, the anxiousness or whatever the emotion might be, re-connecting and then being truthful. I have a meeting today where I will be presenting myself and a proposal and I can feel a little anxiousness about how this will be received. Thank you for your timely reminder to me to fully embrace what I feel, truly reconnect to me and express with Love, no need for an outcome every situation is an opportunity to just express truth.
A great reflection to hear how expressing what you felt was heard by your colleague and they responded. Generally in life I would not speak how I truly felt, covering over or sugar coating topics to avoid claiming the truth then I would walk away feeling unfulfilled. Like the situation described each time I say how I feel there is a lovely confirmation and in all cases there is an understanding even if in some their is not a complete acceptance.
Sugar coating is a great word David to show how we make something sickly sweet and convince ourselves that perhaps we are speaking out but knowing we are not speaking truth. I know that unfulfilled feeling from saying what is designed to pander, to not upset or to stay in my comfort zone. So much more fulfilling and expansive when I share truth.
The power of honesty cannot be overestimated.
Honesty will bring such simplicity to our relationships, as all the energy we use to calibrate, pretend and protect will not be needed anymore. Through the openness that goes along with honesty we will invite others to drop there shields of protection an truly meet us – which is but an amazingly beautiful magic.
Hi Michael, ‘All the energy we use to calibrate, pretend and protect will not be needed anymore’ wow Michael imagine how much more energy everyone will have access to, how much healthier we can be, the reduction in the need for caffeine and such stimulants just by simply being honest.
There are many reasons why this blog was lovely to read JY, one of them being how you have taken responsibility for yourself and that you have hurts, and this has brought deep understanding, allowing you to hold people equally when expressing truth. As I was reading the way you approached your workmate, I could feel your love and holding and it was no wonder that there were tears, you offered a point of evolution, lovingly so, and it was accepted. To me this is leading by example, and the whole office would have received a healing from your exchange without even needing to know what occurred.
Hi Joanne, Thank you. Your comment feels truly expansive and harmonious reflecting the truth and being an inspiration in itself.
Beautifully expressed and summarised Joanne, and I agree fully with JY – your comment totally supports what JY wrote about, offering truth in itself. Just lovely!
Thank you JY, reading your blog has been really helpful and has made me much more aware of how I have been in relationships and how holding back, playing safe and/or going for comfort is just an unfulfilling habit. Very Inspiring to make loving changes.
So true Tamara. Playing safe does not really work and it keeps me separated from truth and who I am and no one can see me really for who I am.
Beautifully expressed JY – I agree with all you share here. I can feel the responsibility we all have in supporting others to understand their behaviour is not ‘ok’. In my workplace I often have men making jokes with me, seems harmless to them but it is putdown and designed to make a women feel less and for them to feel superior. At times I address this but after reading your blog I feel very inspired to express more to others and to build more true relationships in my workplace.
Awesome inspiring your work colleagues to see the truth in communication and allow a whole and healthy environment for everyone to feel.
I am finding this to be true ” In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth”;, and also true for the relationship I am building with myself, as well as everyone around me. Being honest about ourselves, our habits and behaviours that impede Love is absolutely empowering. I can feel the quality of my relationships deepen as I choose truth and love in how I express.
Hi Samantha, yes this comment made me realise any area of untruth in how I am with me is not Love and therefore to truly deepen my relationships with others the choice is clear to me, my relationship with myself must be based on truth.
I am only just realising every day more and more the absolute importance of true communication in life and how it is the lack of this that is behind everything and the need for it in all relationships and within ourselves first.
Thank you for this honest and inspiring sharing and the joy of feeling open true relationships with everyone and where with true communication and appreciation we could all be in the world.
So many of us are brought up in family’s that don’t really know how to speak openly in relationships, in the Indian culture so many women hold back to speak their truth as they are often suppress by family members. Often wife’s don’t speak out they just obey, what is said by elders. This has been such a culture for many years. It is has been very harming, where women are unable to openly communicate with their partner, and so keep everything buried within their body and hence such high increase for Indian women getting breast cancer and other forms of cancer
This is an important point you have raised here Amita, that there are many people who live in a way which does not support them to speak truth. Different cultures have different codes of behaviour within them and this places an added obstacle which for some may be impossible to overcome but as you say the body will reflect that holding in of all they truly feel to say.
This is a beautiful blog to re read, thank you JY. Yes, you are correct, the subtle manipulations in communication can gradually become a normal everyday style and pattern in relationships, however, when you are treating yourself with self love and self care, the subtle comments tend to stand out like a red flag, that can’t be ignored.
Yes, I agree wholeheartedly – once the bar has been raised, everything that is not loving, including all the subtle and not so subtle manoeuvres and manipulations, stand out like a red flag and you just have to speak up. It just feels so terrible and totally unnecessary– why not put the same effort into communicating openly and honestly?
We are constantly communicating and we are constantly in relationships of every sort – so with this comes the choice – what are we communicating – is it love and is it honest and truthful? and is this consistent in all of our relationships? There is so much to heal and learn through relationships they are priceless and need to be nurtured and cherished for everything they offer – especially those moments when we have to speak up.
‘especially those moments when we have to speak up’ so very true Gemma these are the moments when we offer a gift to others, ourselves and humanity.
I love this comment Gemma. Relationships are precious indeed. I feel like I am starting to be more committed in my relationships to be truthful and be me.
True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us. Your words here JY are so true, I can really relate to a lack of true communication in my childhood. So to not feel all of that, I convinced myself that I was in a loving family environment in comparison to others I knew of. I had accepted our lack of communication via, drawing on other things that we did together and convincing myself that, there was a real love there. So when I chose to truly feel that what I had accepted as loving, was in fact way off the mark, it was a hard pill to swallow at the time, but by the same token, freed me up inside from not having to hold onto that lie and allow myself to truly be open to feel how much more truth and love can come in, in expression with others when we are willing to let go and see the truth.
Great point Julie – acceptance of the fact that the family we may be living in, is not truly expressing, bringing honesty to our relationships before we can begin to express with truth.
I am learning that the need to please another is poison in a relationship, even friendships. If I have this need, it is a reflection of many things, but mainly my need to control born out of fear of being rejected and hurt. I feel the antidote is to let go. We can’t be everything for everyone. Let go of the hurt and stop blaming the world for my reactions. If I don’t invest in another’s reaction then I have nothing to be hurt by.
‘ If I don’t invest in another’s reaction then I have nothing to be hurt by.’ Great point Jinya that we are hurt by our own need to control the situation! Ouch So time for us all to learn to let go and stop blaming the world for our own reactions. Well said.
It’s great to re-read your article JY, what really stood out for me this time is ‘this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us’, I can feel how true this has been for me, growing up my family would not talk about how we were feeling or what was going on for us, we would not express love or appreciation for each other, my partner had a similar experience as a child and young man growing up. My partner and I are now starting to express with each other how we truly feel and we encourage our son to do the same, if one of us is angry we will call this out, we are also expressing more and more how much we appreciate each other, it feels lovely and very supportive when we express in this way with each other knowing that we will not be ‘shot down’ for saying what we feel.
Hi Rebecca, I too thought it was ‘normal’ to not truly talk and express to each other until I came to Universal Medicine where I have learnt that ‘expression is everything’. This was very exposing as I had not expressed for 46 years to the point of growing up with a father who I never talked with until he was dying. I am turning this pattern around now by committing to delivering all that is with in me to be said…it is a work in progress.
JY thanks for sharing your story about how you have evolved in regard to relationships. Good on you for expressing how you felt with your new work colleague. I know often I have stayed quiet in similar situations and bottled things up, only for them to come out in an explosion later on down the line. Your blog has clearly shown how important it is to keep communicating as soon as you feel something is not right, rather than hold back and have it come out in a way that is not fully heard much later on.
That is very true, the moment we bottle things up they don’t actually go away – they stay and bubble up later and then they come out with a lot of emotions: the original hurt and everything else that has been piled on top of it, not forgetting the frustration against oneself for not having spoken up.
I just had to re read your blog. It was so worth it… and I also had a lot of ah ha moments from reading all the comments. I feel that even in sharing here, we are all having an online commenting relationship.
It is great when we can all share honestly about how we are in relationships, exposing the good but also the not so good areas without beating our selves up and with no shame. In getting aware and honest about them, and being inspired by others we are then able to make changes and therefore inspire others.
Thank you Rosie, I agree the comments are so wonderful to read they have brought an expansion of the subject and you are right its here and now we are having this developing communication and relationship. Honesty is just the most amazing thing allowing us to just be, without as you say beating ourselves up – stunning.
Imagine if Relationships came first at school. The world would become a different place as a ‘people first’ system would start to emerge. Everyone would have a voice. Connection and appreciation for each other would be celebrated, and comparison and competition – which is so readily championed in our education system today – would become a thing of the past.
Hi Jenny, I can feel such a huge expansion when reading your comment about the potential for humanity were relationships built on truth from birth, through education and beyond. It would bring such harmony to us all.
Jenny I love what you say- “Imagine if Relationships came first at school. The world would become a different place as a ‘people first’ system would start to emerge”
It would be so much more loving and honouring of each individual- celebrating their uniqueness, valuing what each has to say, instead of comparison and competition leading to bullying, low self worth issues, depression and even suicide.
Jenny, that would be amazing and world changing! I can really feel the immense changes those lessons would herald. And as you say so wisely: “Everyone would have a voice” and that voice would be respected and encouraged. Wow!
Relationship being taught in schools … That’s a great idea Jenny James! We have a lot to learn in this area and it’s taken me many years to understand true expression and equal responsibility builds the foundation to loving relationships. I didn’t understand the dynamics at play and often overrode the subtle feelings of tension as I puzzled my way through life. It would have been so different if I had a practical understanding of the dynamics we engage in.
I once heard a radio interview with the Chief Education Officer of Norway, Jenny, and she was saying that in their first schools they allow the children to spend the first year discovering how to relate with each other before they start to teach them any other skills. The interview was when the UK government were surveying other countries forms of education. Did they take notice of this? No, the stipulation for children to read and write before anything else, and the tests that go with that, got younger and younger. Obviously their target was on achievement in academic skills rather than fully rounded human beings able to live in community without aggression and competition.
Relationships are only true if we communicate openly and let each other in. If we communicate then the relationship will be very loving because communication is everything, it’s how you are around a person, it is how you walk and how you breathe. Love is communicated in every expression that comes from our inner heart.
Beautifully expressed Harrison White.
Communicating clearly is so important. A recent event when a friend misunderstood the tone in which I had written an email and became very upset, taught me that even if the tone may be friendly (nice), if the energy is not, they will be affected negatively by the communication. The important lesson in this was that I was communicating to get an outcome to please someone. Communication can’t be used in this way i.e. for self. It is a divine tool that is purely for the purpose of reflecting love and truth. This is the only way to communicate clearly.
Wo Jinya. A beautiful expansion. Thank you for expressing the true purpose of communication so clearly.
Yes I agree Richard, I never felt comfortable at people poking fun at others – it was never really funny and was loaded with putting another down. Yet it is so common with ‘mates’ – a competitive way of being like dunking each other in a pool, only more harmful because it becomes a conditioned ‘normal’ that holds people in a guard, almost expecting it to occur any moment in those relationships. The fact is although some may say it is harmless and even a ‘loveable’ trait, we all do feel the truth of it -it has no true love in it.
I love the beauty in what you offered by sitting down and talking with your workmate about this. Often at work, at home – anywhere around we will just let things that don’t quite feel right slide, and just dismiss them. Or then if we do say something it’s after a long time of the same thing being repeated so it comes out with anger and frustration and causes a fight. Everyone wants to have an open, lovely relationship. Deep down no one wants to be the person that puts people down or hurts others, they are just not sure how to go about relationships. Being the one to speak up and do it without judgement or being angry – but with understanding not only means you don’t have to out you with it anymore – but the person you are talking with gets to feel that you actually care about them and they get to let go of the behaviours that stop them from having beautiful relationships with everyone.
Thanks for sharing you beautiful Blog.
Thank you Simon I would in the past have let it go until as you say the point of frustration or anger brings it out but that serves no-one as it gives no opportunity to grow or change, we all need loving truth from time to time and my appreciation of all I have felt since coming to Universal Medicine is enormous.
Good point: by communicating openly we are actually honouring the other person and letting them know that we care about them. And that is especially important at work, seeing we spend so much of our time there.
Hi Willem, Yes I totally agree we need the balance of the appreciation of those around us and the truth calling out our unloving behaviours and also us being the truth for others. I’m not so sure I agree there is such a thing as an ideal world but it’s true, we are all unfolding and building the love we are, until we fully embrace all the love we are, no trying just being who we are along the way. Thank you for your honesty.
JY, it is so true that our understanding of relationships comes from the reflections around us, what I love about the Universal Medicine relationship workshops is that they allow me to keep deepening my understanding of how to build honesty into my way of expressing. That honesty gives each relationship I have a greater chance to be harmonious.
I agree, true relationships stem from true connection, communication and trust – allowing each other to get to honesty.
I love your heartfelt moment of honest with your colleague. That is inspiring and it shows that when someone lovingly expresses truth, despite it being confronting, it can make the other person just melt.
ooh Annie I like that phrase ‘truth can make the other person melt’ its a really excellent phrase to remember. Thank you!
I see here the power of not giving up on others. Not giving up on loving them. Not giving up on relationships. It is an honour to a relationship to talk honestly and open to each other. I guess we have to appreciate first what we have, then say ‘stop’ or ‘no’ if it changes. If I do not appreciate what we have together – I can walk away without looking back. But then we will not learn, will not develop.
That’s a beautiful sharing Sandra and yes I guess if I had not appreciated the initial connection made with my colleague then it would have been much more difficult if not impossible to notice the change and say No.
I can really relate to what you share here Sandra, about walking away, that was my chosen behavior for many years if I didn’t want to confront something or someone, or not speak up. The feeling that that choice left in me was so awful to feel. It was a feeling of truly hurting myself and another and not loving them enough to even given them the time to address what was getting in the way of having a truly loving relationship. I would make it about myself and what was happening to me as being so much more important. It is so liberating to feel that it was never about me at all, only about the thought that was driving me at the time. I was there the whole time, just under the layer that my choice had put there for me not to feel the real and absolutely divine me.
Beautiful Sandra, not giving up on relationships. When things get difficult or when I get hurt, I always had this pattern of walking away, closing off and thinking: ok, I really don’t feel like this, bye. Especially when I feel a hurt, it is the invitation to stay and express what I feel I am learning. When we give up, we don’t learn, we don’t grow. I am learning every day from relationships, especially those that can be challenging at times…
It is amazing once we can see the power in changing our behaviours. As you say Sandra – I have walked away from relationships in the past because I was not willing to handle what was going on and this seems such a waste of a lifetime. By walking away I was closing myself off from the honour and blessing that we receive when we decide to see the whole rather than only the part – and in my case this would often be ‘my part’. Relationships are far too precious to just give up – and in time we will be faced with another experience until we learn the lesson that life endlessly offers us to change.
Communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life is paramount and something I have not found easy. This is a beautiful reminder to keep up with the consistency of appreciating especially of those close to me. Thank you JY for sharing the utmost importance of expressing truth.
Hi Caroline, Yes and what came to mind as I read your comment was how good are we at appreciating ourselves? If our relationship with self develops with love then we can appreciate our self as well as all those around us.
What a pure gold article on relationship – beginning to end. Thank you JY got this amazing sharing.
Thank you Alexandra, I loved writing the blog.
I deeply resonate with what Richard has shared here. It is very healing to call out when another is putting us down. I have played victim to this energy of abuse in the past feeling very sorry for myself but these days this is changing. I am expressing how I feel when another puts me down with their teasing and I am learning to be more present with myself so I can call out the subtle remarks which are not always so obvious.
Your blog underscores the vital importance of nipping things in the bud in new relationships and speaking up about issues in existing ones. Because without truth, where are we? Settling for an arrangement between two people, both complicit in the dynamic that both are playing out, for whatever reason. Even our peripheral relationships at work are prone to subtle abuse if we don’t heed and act upon that inner discernment which is our own inbuilt ‘love-ometer’.
Ha Cathy how lovely we all have our own inbuilt ‘loveometer’ how gorgeous! The key is to not leave home without connecting to it!
Being true to ourselves and expressing that truth is indeed the cornerstone of true relationships. It is never about blaming another for something that has happened but about being able to trust ourselves to feel what is there to be felt.
Lovely JY I love following sentences:”True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.” This is so true JY and I have to say that this is exactly what I am experiencing at my work place (psychiatry). This “normal” way seems to be like a plague and we as human beings are wondering why we are not living in harmony together.
Hi Esther, Yes it is a little crazy isn’t it! The way we live is so far from harmonious as to be almost unreachable – but of course in truth it is there simply by re-connecting to, choosing to feel and live.
Obvious and less obvious manipulation in relationships are indeed everywhere. Once you stop and feel, you become aware of it. That is what I noticed, both with myself as with others.. I love what you write that in all our interactions appreciation is very important as it is to discuss the less than truthful moments. I found that expressing the latter deepens relationships. It gives insight to the other into a manipulative behaviour and a possibility to choose differently. Same for me, when I feel I go into manipulation, I stop or at least afterwards get back to the person and nominate it. I just can’t keep it into my body, it hurts and stands in the way between me, the other and evolving together.
Yes Caroline, it is deeply healing when we begin to open up first to ourselves and then to others the possibility that we are manipulative. We come to understand that this is a way that we have developed to protect ourselves. As we let go of the protection we are able to become more honest with the world and allow the world to see our humanity, and in that we realise that we are not so different from each other. As this connection develops the possibilities are endless as we allow ourselves the freedom of true connection to one another.
“When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with.” I also used to think that when i used the word ‘relationship” it was in terms of that ‘special other’ or at least my close family and possibly close friends. Now, like you I realise I am in relationship with everyone I come into contact with be it the shop attendant or my neighbour. We are in relationship with everyone all of the time.
What a gorgeously honest blog JY. I could really relate to where you are at in your understanding of relationships, and for me lately I have been feeling the importance of firstly seeing all our relationships as equal (with every one we meet), none more important then another which I used to live. I have also come to deepen my understanding and ability to observe as you say ‘what is going on in any given moment’ in our interactions. I am feeling this observation and the willingness to go firstly to understanding is key in how we will then communicate with one another. Thank you for sharing and offering us much to evolve with.
This is a great point Anna. Seeing All our relationships as equal. We have been so programmed to categorise and rank our relationships; family, friends, colleagues, colour, race, culture, country, state, suburb, schools, religions, boy, girl, age, gay, straight, educated, not educated, titles and I could go on. So much separation when at the end of it all we are all the same.
Yes Caroline, I so agree with what you and Anna have said. Once we can see that this need to put people into categories is coming from a deep separation that we have made to our own innate selves we can begin to understand ourselves and in that understand others. When we can look honestly and deeply into our own hearts we open the door to allowing others to enter, and as we do we begin to feel the real meaning of life as we express our own innate divinity.
This is a very thoughtful sharing. I am constantly aware of my communications and recently realised how much I do not always let love out and let love in which is the basis of a true connection with another. For me this takes communication to another very personal level of responsibility and love and I really want to go there more fully.
I understand where you are coming from here Anne. I am working on this too and I find that if I let go of expectations of another and just come out with what I am feeling this paves the way for honest communication and very often the other person opens up too, and the conversation grows in ways it would not otherwise do.
Thank you JY, a great blog to read. You are so right, there needs to be a willingness from both in the relationship and to peel it back to the bare bones (if needed), to start to rebuild a relationship based on love. The subtleties of abuse can be ever so slight, yet at the end of the day, a little abuse or a lot of abuse is still abuse and not part of a true relationship.
Good point Matthew it matters not whether a relation is new or well developed there does need to be a willingness from both sides ‘to peel it back to the bare bones (if needed) to start to rebuild a relationship from love.
I loved what you shared about what happened when your spoke to your colleagues. This feels like true intimacy in the sense that you both deeply connected with each other. This is the magic of connecting in relationship.
It’s really beautiful to feel how simple it can be to communicate openly about everything. I particularly like this “communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments”, because it shows it’s equally important to speak about the great parts as well as the not so great parts!
SO true Danielle, we can’t pick and choose our honest and open moments. In my opinion, relationships hold a consistency, yes their will be good times and not so great times, but the consistency in how those are dealt with is key to evolution.
This is a really important point one I remind myself of often ‘the consistency in how those are dealt with is key to evolution.’ so my consistency in being open and honest with both the true moments and the not true is a vital part of my being able to build my honesty and evolution.
Reading this blog is incredibly inspiring as it was from a few lovingly spoken words by yourself that you were able to arrest a hurtful behaviour in another. Your colleague felt the absolute truth in what you were presenting. What a gorgeous experience and opportunity for you to deepen your relationship with him and for him with you and others.
Yes I agree Fiona, and a marker of what a gift truth is and indeed asking if this is how it can be then why would I ever choose it to be otherwise and yet I know I have. A great learning.
Wow deeply moved by your sharing JY. Very beautiful and inspiring. How often do we (I) let things slide and go unsaid and how harming this is to myself and others. Your honesty and deeply loving and inclusive conversation brought so much healing to your work colleague and your relationship. A beautiful gift presented with so much love. I am filled with a lightness at the feeling of the potential for all relationships when lived with a commitment to truth.
A very inspiring sharing with us all JY – sitting with this for a while I realised since early childhood my behaviours changed to please others or to get what I wanted!! Communication became a game of lets behave in a way so as to not get hurt – comply to what is deemed ‘being good’. A way to get noticed! There are many examples. What you have shared really touched base with me. Not having “True communication within relationships” children are so impressed by their parents behaviours of which I allowed myself to carry on those same behaviours for over 50 years. It is never too late to make changes – and what a difference to express and communicate it so allows others to step up and offer their true expression back (or not). Thank you JY
Hi Marion, Yes I agree when I look back on my childhood I always looked up to my father and therefore worked out what sort of behaviour I thought he wanted from me. All designed to gain attention from him and so I became the ‘good girl’, totally my choice to do so and rather than stay with the lovely little light I was I became good. Crazy. It is never too late to change and coming back to me and truth is a path of return to who I truly am.
Having observed my own two small children I agree that as children we are naturally very expressive and open. I am aware of how this natural expression we have as children is generally not encouraged and so by the time we get to adulthood we have shut a lot of it down to fit in, which then results in all the problems we get with communication and relationships as adults which we consider normal. Giving children permission to express what they feel is one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids as parents. And we might as well give ourselves permission to express as adults too while we are at it!
Hi Andrew, How beautiful that you are able to observe the expression from your children and support them. It is a great gift you offer them and yourself.
Yes Monica, agree, that which is not expressed, and then expressed opens up the relationship towards freeness, and whether that (expression) is accepted or not is individual choice. When it is accepted by both parties, and, as we see here in the post, the relationship benefits from deepening; there is such great beauty in this.
I take from this blog that truth offered with love can be so powerful and it seems important to add, that claiming love for oneself, especially in relationships, is the foundation for that expression of truth. As JY described, there was a growth though the experience of abuse in other relationships, even if this meant walking away from them. From that foundation of self love, the pattern of abuse with a work colleague was ‘nipped in the bud’. I can feel what an amazing healing was offered at this point to both parties. How many times do instances like this, when a joke is allowed to slip, escalate into huge dramas? I applaud the claiming of responsibility for this here.
Thank you for this sharing Simon and I agree having past experience of abuse allows an insight but there is a self love and responsibility which has been developed in order for the expression of truth to be available in that moment. Without the acceptance of my part in allowing the abuse in the first place then neither the truth nor Love could be present to say No to it.
This is written with such understanding and tenderness..true communication is not coming from defences, or fears, reactions, but sharing what is going on for us and in this something opens up, a deeper part of us is seen and shown to each other. This is connection and when felt there is an intimacy that happens in that moment…true communication is very powerful and yes, it is something that needs to be learnt, supported and an ongoing development. I appreciate very much that with many students of Universal Medicine who are willing to learn true communication and share with each other has supported me to get to know what this is and how it feels. But the truth is, we all know how to communicate but it’s been willing to allow ourselves to be open and really honest with each other as the first step. Beautiful sharing!
True communication can change the world…
What a great point of unfoldment to tell your colleague what is actually going on with you when he makes jokes with a certain undertone. And also his openness to listen and understand. Evolving in relationships can only take place when both sides are willing to go there.
Yes Sonja, ‘Evolving in relationships can only take place when both sides are willing to go there’ It still brings me such a wonder if I stop and feel that moment shared with my colleague and know this depth of love can be felt with all when communicating in this way.
I once worked in job where a (slightly scary) female co-worker would feign head-buts at me every time we passed each other. After a few months of this, I had to have a word with her and explain that I am very sensitive and that even though there is no physical contact I would still feel attacked. I asked her to stop and after her initial reaction she understood and my days at work were head-but free. What some people deem to be ‘harmless fun’, other people would feel differently about. It depends on their levels of sensitivity and honouring of self and others. If we don’t communicate the truth of what we are feeling, even though it may be in reaction on our part, we don’t get the chance to have the reflection, the understanding and the awareness it could bring to either party. Earth School brings up an infinite number of scenarios where we can step up and express, learn from our actions and expand our awareness.
I love how you claimed your sensitivity Jinya. I have had similar experiences at work and after expressing my feelings about certain things I felt were harsh or insensitive, I received a comment from a coworker who said ” Oh, that’s right, Michael is really delicate, so we better watch what we say in front of him”, which was said while he was having a conversation criticising someone else in a derogatory way. To that, I thanked him as if it were a great compliment to be called ‘delicate’ and it felt great to do so. I feel like in that moment it offered another way to be, instead of the usual deal where all the guys fall in line and act tough together. Also, I have to thank you Jinya for breaking through a barrier of mine dealing with not always calling something out that I feel is wrong or untruthful because I have felt that I may be saying it in too much of an emotional reaction. I can see now how that approach was really holding myself and the other party back from a potential great learning.
I too have had such experiences at work…where someone was making comments towards me under the guise of ‘black humour’…I spoke to them and at first they were very defensive and suggesting i was making a big deal about nothing….however i expressed, with love and responsibility, not blame…and left them with it…since then their behaviour has changed towards me, and our connection has deepened as i start to see another side of this person, their sensitivity…..often our communication is used to hide our sensitivities, fears, hurts and much more…
Such a powerful statement JY for love to be present it must be based on truth. This is a great marker for us all, by feeling what is true moment by moment in relationships we have the opportunity to keep building true relationship based on love.
Yes Jennifer ‘for love to be present it must be based on truth.’ and ‘…feeling what is true moment to moment’…this is very powerful….in feeling what is true we need to be honest with ourselves in those moments…honest with ourselves is the first step toward true communication…because if we can be honest with ourselves, we can start to be honest with others and in this honest we build an inner strength as honesty takes us to truth!
I too am finding the power of expression. I must admit it has taken a while to feel OK to express, to build the trust again in myself to express openly and then learning to be OK if others react to what I say. I am also learning to express in a way where I hold another equally and in love and I am finding that when I am able to do this others are able to hear openly what I am sharing, they feel the truth. A wise man once said “Expression is everything” and this I am finding is true.
When we are open to others we can feel their deepest essence and know that their behaviours are not who they truly are. That begins by being truly open with ourselves, accepting who we are and not expecting perfection.
Hi Carmel, this comment stopped me in my tracks and reminded me the responsibility lies with me, to know that the behaviours displayed by people is simply that ‘behaviour’ it is not who they are and if I connect to me I can feel their deepest essence. Thanks for the reminder.
You have hit upon the importance of role models in our relationships. What we grow up with and see reflected to us becomes the norm, so we stop being true in our relationships. This is a big part of why Universal Medicine is so important, as they present role models that I could only have dreamed were possible in the past. I have now seen in the flesh and with great consistency that we can make life and all of our relationships about love rather than needs and protecting our past hurts.
This is an important point Fiona, the role models we have are who we learn from and therefore the quality they live with is normal to us. So huge appreciation to the role models we have within Universal Medicine, the practitioners and the student body.
Yes, Fiona, what you say is so true. I truly appreciate all the wisdom and love that I am offered by connecting with Universal Medicine and with the student body. I am offered a completely different way of living in the world where I need to be responsible in each moment and in every detail of how I live my life. This offers me such a deep and all embracing connection to my own body and to the wonders to be found within. This opportunity allows me to feel the delicacy and the intricacy of all life as we have so many wise and wonderful reflections both in humanity and in the natural world around us.
This is such a beautiful example of how we can make such a difference simply by expressing what we feel. Others are free to hear us or not, but by speaking up we give them the chance to open to greater healing.
Absolutely Rebecca, it is that simple.
I agree Rebecca, ‘others are free to hear us or not’ there is no imposition in speaking truth it simply is and the choice is theirs.
This is such a big lesson I’m learning – that everything we express is so important and can make a huge difference in someone else’s life.
Good point Meg. It is so important to remember this. Everything we do and everything we say is witnessed by someone. It is worth taking care to ensure we are expressing what needs to be expressed. A work in progress for me.
Thank you for writing this so honestly, I too have always struggled to communicate my whole life, I actually never had a reflection of what loving communication was like either, so grew up holding everything I felt and had to say inside. Thanks to Universal Medicine I’ve slowly started to learn to speak up when something is wrong, and express the love I feel for people more and more. It’s something ongoing I have to work at but the changes are delightful and 1,000,000,000% worth it.
‘ It’s something ongoing I have to work at but the changes are delightful and 1,000,000,000% worth it.’ Thank you Meg I totally agree it is an ongoing commitment to observing how we are with ourselves and with others but it is absolutely worth it.
In order for a relationship to be Love it has to be Truth. I not only agree, I have seen the devastating effects of letting truth go in order to not rock the boat, “not spoil a holiday”, and how that untruth and unlove grows like a snowball and destroys the relationship. When I read your blog, it was like you were in slow motion, looking at the attitude your colleague was having and taking the time to ponder, to process, and to take the action to express to him, in a way that you were heard and understood and appreciated. That behaviour was hurting him too, and by you expressing he could learn and grow. Tears of healing. The spirit unmasked and the truth in the open. Beautiful. I feel I need a bit of slow motion when I feel some of those comments and I can chose to point out they are not ok I need them to stop. I feel I need to develop this cause there is always abuse in a gross or in a subtle way, cause all humans beings have that at some point, and relationships need that kind of stop and support from each other, not just give up and accept anything, but stand up for the Love and the Truth one wants in a relationship.
Thank you, JY, for the confirmation that truth is a panacea. It evolves any situation when delivered with love and respect, and is a universal language that every one of us can connect to at any time and feel the bigger picture that we are a part of.
I agree, the way of the deliverance is the key, any communication delivered in love, truth and with respect is then able to be felt by ourselves and can be much more easily be accepted by those involved.
Great point Giselle, we cannot truly connect to another if we are not in true connection with ourselves.
You are right JY the ideals and beliefs that are imprinted on us when we are growing up were very seldom loving or truthful. It is never to late to come back to we truly are… because it has always been inside of us awaiting, its re-awaking.
You are so right JY communication is the key, and being able to express in truth to someone and if they accept it, well that is the super glue. I was taught a very nice but untrue way of communicating, a type of artificial politeness that has, and still is a very hard thing to break down. No matter how nice I am, it’s not worth a carrot if there is a hint of untrue in there.
Hi Kevein, love this comment ‘its not worth a carrot if there is a hint of untrue in there’! Absolutely true! x
Love the simple honesty and realness of what youve shared JY. Gotta love relationships !!! They offer us a free scholarship towards a greater understanding and practical application of truth delivered from love and always supplying us with plenty of examples daily of how to recognise, acknowledge and develop a more authentic way of communicating with ourselves and others. In my own experience, my sharing another way with others has always been more powerful when i have first recognised and acknowledged the limitations i have placed on myself and others by not speaking the truth that loudly resonates within.
Just as you were inspired by the revelations both seen and felt by other students relationships, so to are you now able to offer your colleague the same opportunity. As Liane commented earlier, this is a great example of true teamwork, and one who’s affects will inspire and be inspired by many others.
Candice this comment is gold dust ‘They offer us a free scholarship towards a greater understanding and practical application of truth delivered from love and always supplying us with plenty of examples daily of how to recognise, acknowledge and develop a more authentic way of communicating with ourselves and others.’ If we embrace what you are saying here and learn from our interactions we are on our way to our own degree in excellence in communicating with truth.
Oh how we imagine that telling ‘uncomfortable truths’ to people is going to cause trouble, and then shy away from speaking! But actually it’s a great ‘relief’ and opening for everyone, including for someone who is being abusive. It’s as if truth dissolves all burdens, guilt, lack of self-worth, and allows people to breath and open up to each other at last. A big re-set to begin real relationship. Good on you JY for recognizing what was happening with your new colleague and having the love and courage to speak up and arrest the hurtful habit that was developing. That must enrich not just the two of you, but every person who comes into either of your lives from here on. Big!
Yes Dianne, and that enriching includes each person that reads this blog!
Beautifully said Dianne and Kathleen, and includes every single comment made since they all bring enrichment and expansion to that which had been written.
Often when we are young we are told to be quiet and not talk so much, this can hold us back when we become adults, as we don’t know when we should or should not speak. This can often affect relationships, as between couples they don’t know when they can or cannot express what they are feeling. Communication should be taught openly with children, encouraging them to express from a very young age.
Definitely Amita, ‘Communication should be taught openly with children, encouraging them to express from a very young age.’ This is essential.
Thank you JY, and so true, we are in relationship with everyone every single day. So many opportunities to bring truth and love to each and every one. Accepting less than this hurts yet we need to know it first to realise that ‘normal’ is way above what we had first settled for.
“I didn’t know what true relationships were like as I had always experienced those that were less than true.” This was the same for me JY, most of my life prior to Universal Medicine were about a few close friends and family and I would let very few people, if any, into my life, always keeping a guard up just in case I was going to get hurt. Seeing everyone as a relationship, has opened up my eyes and heart and has changed how I meet and talk to people. This all started by building a true relationship with myself first, something I had not done before, trying instead to please everyone I met at the expense of being true to myself.
Wow JY, beautiful blog. I love everything you’ve shared. The way you sat down to talk to your colleague and expressed how you felt in your relationship was so honest, powerful and extremely loving. It was so beautiful how he was open to receiving this healing, an opportunity to truly see how his behaviour affected you and possibly others too. It was in the power of how you delivered your expression that opened up this realisation and opportunity for him. Your intention from the start was from love and truth. If it was not from love and truth, then I can imagine he would most likely would have acted in defence. What you did was expressed from absolute truth and love, so powerful, it was a healing for you, him and everyone else as well. By reading about it I can feel the power of it now. It touches everyone, amazing and Thank You!
Inspiring read JY, I am finding that the more open I am to discussing things at home, even if I feel uncomfortable my relationships are changing and deepening. It’s not always easy but well worth it in the end.
Beautiful JY, every day we have the opportunity to truly meet another or others, having met ourselves truly first, upon waking each and every day, from that connection that opportunity is one too good to pass up.
We are often taught the wrong way to communicate and express when we are young, falling victim to learning a way to communicate from others that do not communicate or express with truth and honesty. We fall victim to manipulation and become hurt in the process, leading to develop our own way to not feel the pain of this, thus setting us up to communicate in exactly the same way that was taught in the first place.
That’s what I would understand as a vicious cycle – one that repeats itself with no love in it but done just from the place of that is ‘normal’ because we see nothing else. What a disaster for us all to learn this way of communicating.
Yes I agree Matthew, we often simply carry on with the pattern of expression from our childhood, not deepening or learning to break out of such expression at all. This makes for abusive arrangements in relationships, because if we are not used to expressing our truth, we are not learning to come out of such patterns, and this allows it to continue unabated. This is to our detriment. It’s joyless to live in relationships where we don’t say how we feel and have the love of another to hold us and work with throughout such situations.
This pattern of abuse is a very hard one to break. I know because for may years I allowed abuse in relationships just to make other people comfortable – when in truth it was actually harming them to not be told the truth of their actions.
To break this pattern of being the victim, and being honest about enjoying it because I could identify myself in this role – was huge for me – and it took me a while to see my responsibility in all this.
In a particular relationship – it took just one situation for me to speak up and say ‘enough’ – and this one action has changed a whole relationship.
The relationship I have now has more love and trust than ever before simply because we decided to put truth and love first, and drop the roles we were so used to playing.
Inspired by your blog, I made the choice today to express in truth to my colleague, saying that the way he said something to me did not feel honoring and we had this lovely chat. He actually came over a couple of minutes later, talking more. Our whole relationship changed and deepened, just from me expressing how I feel.
Mariette, How COOL is that!! There’s a line from a ‘glorious music’ (Michael Benhayon) song which comes to mind ‘Lets Celebrate, Celebrate, Celebrating Our Way’
Indeed we are in relationship with everyone we interact with at all times, and this gives us an awesome opportunity to express from our bodies in our fullness and not the head with all the ideals and beliefs that have been holding down our truth and love from others. Thank you for a great blog JY.
I agree Francisco. Your comment also reminded me that I have often thought relationship was about how I was with my partner, but it is in fact with everyone. I am beginning to see what relationship really means since attending the relationship presentations presented by Serge Benhayon. I realised true relationship is to express truth and love to everyone, from your family to the person at the cash register who is serving you, to someone you walk past on the street. How I connect with each person is something for me to really be aware of. Do I hold back or do I truly express? This is a constant choice for me to make. I do not want to hold back but sometimes I find myself doing it without being aware. So, I am working on being more and more aware of what I choose and how it affects me and other too.
It is easy for us to blame others or even blame ourselves for what happens in relationships but when honesty is expressed, everything changes. What we previously accepted as ‘normal’ can be felt for the abuse it truly is and when we stand up and express how that feels, it gives everyone an opportunity to evolve.
Thank you JY. Too often I feel I subdue what I truly feel to say, for fear of it being hurtful or too ground-breaking for another. This open expression of honesty and truth is one that feels very expansive in my body.
Hi Ben, yes and in that subduing – in the holding back are we not in judgement of another if we think they cannot handle the truth are we forgetting they too are love within and therefore know truth as deeply as anyone else. The expansion you speak of coming from true expression is totally awesome.
Well said JY – I love you expressed this: “… are we forgetting they too are love within and therefore know truth as deeply as anyone else.” A great reminder to just take into our days with us, thank you.
There is no excuse NOT to “embrace our potential for true relationship “, opportunities are offered with every interaction each day to share and express our truth with love.
You are right when you say any reason we do not ’embrace our potential for true relationship’ is simply an excuse!
When I read your comment JY I could feel an ‘ouch’ moment there – it is a great reminder that we all have a duty to honour our potential as a way of service to the world. It reminds me that life is not just about me but about embracing every aspect and thereby serving humanity in every detail of my life. Thank you for that reflection.
So true Wendy. We are offered so many oportunities to grow and truly connect to each other on a daily basis. The potential for this is so huge and one I am only beginning to grasp.
It is so true that we often feel hurt by something someone has said – weather they meant it or not, and we stay quite, not wanting to ‘rock the boat’ or hurt them or have an uncomfortable conversation. I know I am terrible about actually addressing those moments, and when I do, I often feel really uncomfortable and back down, apologising to the other person for being hurt by what they said – crazy! And yet I’m sure Im not the only one. What you are sharing is that relationships need this open communication – a trust and willingness to talk about the good and the bad.
Thank you Gill for your comment. As you say it is beautiful to catch ‘the Truth of it at the time and saying it in the instance is very powerful’. As I learn to truly listen and respond, and not to re-act to situations I am gradually finding a way where I too will be able to respond in the moment. I have found that once I was willing to see and acknowledge that I can manipulate life to suit me I then became open to communicate in a clearer way more loving way. I began to feel my self-worth and that I could be more open and straightforward in my communication.
When I consider what a true relationship is, it becomes clear that my understanding of this has changed over the years. Even just the word truth brings up a whole new meaning. So, this must be journey where we learn and grow with words developing their meaning as we change.
What strikes me, re-reading this blog, is that not only do we need to express in full what we feel, but also be open and understanding when another is sharing what they feel. We may not agree, or it may take a while for them to get to the truth of what they feel, but that space is important and helps to build trust and respect.
Yes, Janet, thank you for highlighting this point; it’s not just about us expressing, but also to be willing to listen and to truly hear what another is sharing, how they are feeling, to give them the space to express, even if we may not agree. That’s an important point, and to not react to this, but to allow the space. We do need be able to build more trust between us all.
Great point Janet, listening is of equal importance to speaking truth, allowing another to voice their feelings.
I agree Janet, giving them space with no expectations is vital.
I agree Janet. It is so important to create a space to allow ourselves to express and then to allow another to express themselves.
That is a vital key I reckon Janet, if we hold any judgements or expectations on what they express it can keep the barrier between us or allow us to appreciate the other on a deeper level. Holding onto these judgements and expectations of mine and another’s expressions completely blinds and deafens me to the truth of the situation.
Wow Leigh, this is so well expressed – ‘Holding onto these judgements and expectations of mine and another’s expressions completely blinds and deafens me to the truth of the situation.’
Awesome Leigh – holding onto judgments and expectations serves no one, least of all ourselves.
Great point that relationships are things we have with everyone. Today most people cant live without their mobile communication devices… but where is the truth, in all that is being communicated there?
I agree Steve that there is a lot of communication going on in the world but of what quality? How much of the truth of what we are feeling is actually being communicated? Every interaction with another human being is a relationship and we are constantly given the opportunity to communicate what we truly feel in the moment or communicate something else.
Manipulation in relationships is a big theme that we should all study and be more honest about. It keeps us imprisoned without us realising it.
Bringing truth to our relationships, looking with honesty what is really going on between ourselves and others, is very freeing. When I started to do this, I started to open up and become more loving, less controlling and more understanding towards myself as well as others. Some days I am better at it than others, but being more honest in my observations of my relationships is supporting me to come back to me, the loving woman I naturally am.
A great article JY as it is so true we are in relationship with everyone. I can feel the more I bring honesty to the way I relate with others the truer and deeper the connection becomes, it allows both myself and others to connect in a way where pretense and protection is let go of and a true foundation can develop. Thank you for sharing such a powerful article, it offers so much.
It is so true that everyone we meet and connect with is a relationship, regardless of how long or short the interactions are,
Yes and I have noticed the more I am open to this, the more people start just talking to me while just walking on the street – and I do the same noticing people so much more everywhere, it’s so beautiful.
I am getting that there are two types of communication. One that is for self and is about ‘getting something off your chest’ and for getting some kind of recognition from the expression. The other is about everyone. The latter is about coming along to a situation and saying how it is. Honesty can be used in both situations with the difference that when we are expressing for self, the honesty comes attached to an outcome and laced with emotional subtext. The communication for all is clean and without investment in results. It presents what is and what is not truth, in a loving way.
Great point Jinya – communication for self and for others – I see that – it wasn’t a point I had considered when I wrote the blog but had I communicated purely for self then the outcome would likely have been less healing for both.
That’s right JY, I agree. The quality of our communication goes back to our intentions from the start through to the end of what we express. This highlights to me how powerful and important it is to be fully aware of our intentions from the start.
Hi Chan Ly I totally agree, the intention we have is crucial and actually not only in our verbal communications, it relates to everything we do!
Wow, this is so true. I have done this myself, thinking that I am being honest but in fact I was getting something off my chest, off loading it and not taking the responsibility for my intentions or how I delivered my expression. This is pretty awesome, realising that I have done this in the past. But now, I am learning to communicate in a loving way. This blog and so many of these awesome comments remind me to choose love and truth consistently.
I agree Chan Ly the comments are awesome and each one brings an aspect out of the blog many of which I personally didn’t consider when writing it. It’s truly beautiful to read them.
I so agree Jinya, when we make it about the all and not about self, it is amazing how the words are just there to express. A great reminder that we are all looked after when we make life about love and truth.
Yes Marika, great point to highlight, that when we make life about everybody, we are looked after. When we make life about ourselves, it becomes hard and difficult.
Hi Esther, Ah so here perhaps is a marker, something to note for all ‘When we make life about ourselves, it becomes hard and difficult.’ Keeping life about the all then we too are looked after.
So true Marika that when we make life about evolution we will always communicate that what is there to be communicated for all to evolve and unite from and the words will come through us direct from heaven. If we choose to communicate from ourselves, other words will come through us and will in no way evolve us but rather makes us lesser and more separated to each other.
So beautiful JY to call this out with so much love & understanding, you have offered yourself and your colleague another level of honesty that instantly pulls you towards a deepening friendship. If you had accepted this pattern, as many would, then this relationship is instantly capped, how can evolution take place if we lie down and accept abuse no matter how small.
Hi Lucinda, There is so much wisdom in the comments ‘ you had accepted this pattern, as many would, then this relationship is instantly capped, how can evolution take place if we lie down and accept abuse no matter how small.’ This is so true and thank you for pointing out something I had not realised and shows us just how important it is to speak the truth.
That is such an education about being in relationships with people. When someone laughs at our expense it is so easy to laugh it off and move on, but what you offered was an opportunity to feel the responsibility we have with humour.
Hi Lucy, yes humour is just the same as any expression, as you say it comes with a responsibility to present truth and love. Rarely do we see truth and love in humour.
It is so obvious when it is written as you have JY, that we are in relationship with everyone we meet and yet we rarely behave in a way that nurtures and supports let alone loves everyone we meet. If this was lived by us all the world would be a very different place.
Absolutely Sally, if we placed equal importance on all our relationships and connections, so that everybody is worth our love and our expressing truth with them, the world would be a very different place.
Great sharing JY, we get so much influenced by the world on what a relationship should look like that we end up living something completely untrue to ourselves,
This is so true Alexandre. I know that I allowed myself to be greatly influenced by the relationships around me when I was growing up, and thinking I needed to live in the same way in my relationships just didn’t work because I wasn’t being true to me as I was trying to live the way someone else did.
Wowee….I could relate to so much here, it was describing my own experiences and I love where it led to, a beautiful moment of true communication that supported your colleague and yourself to deepen the integrity of your relationship and connection. Those family patterns with all the sibling rivalries that can go on, do set us up to perpetuate them in later life. I can see that so many of my hurts from childhood have been played out again and again in my adult interactions…all in the attempt to cover up a lovely connection that was felt because I didn’t know how to express that kind of love without being mocked, ridiculed and made to feel less than or ‘soft’. Universal Medicine teachings have opened me up to a whole other way of expressing that has helped me to express appreciation and affection in a way that is truly felt and heard. It’s something that I find quite natural to do when I am fully appreciative of myself.
JY you describe developing relationships with the example of your colleague so gracefully. My openness and willingness to be honest has been hugely supported by the student body and let me feel the way relationship can be. This naturally has radiated out to other relationships in my life and supported me to bring the same honesty and openness to these too.
This has been my experience also Rosanna, having others close supporting me to get more honest in my relationships, and also showing me that there is always more..
Yes the more open and honest we become the more all our relationships evolve.
How amazing it is that we can become aware of what is happening in our relationships in so much detail. And what a gift it is to others when we have the courage to speak the truth of what we are feeling. Thank you JY.
The depth of honesty is immense. There are always new layers of honesty to explore, in new and in long-term relationships equally so. I am very humbled by this fact and blessed, that people whom I meet at Universal Medicine events are willing to be exquisitely open and honest.
‘There are always new layers of honesty to explore’ this sentence really does make me stop and ask have I deepened my honesty today or have I not? It’s that simple.
This to me is the simple truth: “meeting one another in love and only love, in order to develop a relationship that was / is true.” To express in any other way and, certainly to try to address issues in any other way aside from this foundation, is, I have found, a recipe for either disaster or long cycles of complication and emotional torture. Holding each other in Love, even in apparent conflict, is the only way to resolve matters, I feel.
Relationships reveal everything about the way we live, I can look at the relationship I have with my close family as an example and it shows me how I have been living. If that relationship is real and honest or if there are parts that I choose to sidestep, it is all revealed and always exposing, if I’m willing to look. I can say the same with work colleagues, how honest I am at work is a great reflection of the quality or otherwise I am bringing to my life.
I realised the same Gill, how I used to narrow the meaning of a relationship to my partner and perhaps my family, but now, knowing that every person I meet is a relationship, I am given this amazing opportunity to find the depth of Love with everyone equally, and how expanding is that?
Its hugely expanding Joan!
To deeply connect with “the other person” and communicate is needed in every relationship and family as it is the foundation for love.
‘The truth I have heard spoken by many students about their own behaviour in relationships unlocked something inside of me – the knowing that I had felt all along but hadn’t understood.’ This is a show stopping sentence for me. The power, humility and simplicity of actually being honest with each other about what is going gone in our lives and how this can unlock others from the confines of whatever rule book or beliefs we have blindly adhered to. Thank you, JY.
Expression is everything, as you have beautifully described with your honest approach towards your colleague.
It’s amazing when we speak up and express in our friendships and relationships, it allows or presents an opportunity for that relationship to expand and evolve.
I agree Susan. It brings such a simplicity to life.
It’s amazing how when we speak from our heart and from our bodies, the truth is always felt be the other. This giving them space to respond and feel the truth. I love how open you and your work mate were with each other.
Hi Johanna, I love what you have written here that the key to truth being felt lies in the fact that we are speaking truth from our heart and our body and so they cannot fail to feel it.
This is a beautiful and deeply inspiring sharing that can be applied anywhere, to any relationship. Thank you.
Thank you JY for addressing this subject of relationships. I am expanding my awareness with relationships and the more I ponder the more the depth and vast this subject is. I realized the importance of self in the middle of any and all relationships and situations. My relationship with me has been a very grounding, supportive and honoring place to start. Being truthful with me. Communicating and listening to me. What are my ideals and beliefs and how does it impact on me. How do I feel.
Thank you JY for your honesty here. It is so true we often apply the word Relationship to the romantic partnerships we form but in truth we are in relationship with everyone we meet all the time, whether its sitting down to have supper with our family, walking through a busy town centre or meeting someone while walking the dog, we are constantly relating to one another all the time. Having also grown up with a very limited experience of relationship as in very strained family relationships, it is a complete miracle to now be bringing this level of care and attention to all my relationships, however long-term or fleeting. I too am learning to take a moment and ask “what’s up” or share how I am feeling in regards to something that does not feel quite right, whereas in the past my response was to either bury it, ignore it or run away! A huge turn around that brings new and un-imagined joy in those places you least expect it. Learning to be gently honest and truly listen certainly does build loving relationships.
The photo accompanying the blog is beautiful illustration of tenderness and relationship. Gorgeous, we all can surrender to that level of love in a moment, but we have to be willing to let go of being in control and manipulating everything to protect ourselves! False protection that keeps us trapped in false comfort. Time to break free, be me and live life unhindered.
Thank you for this exquisite blog! I like how you emphasize the fact, that we are in relationship with everybody all the time and that there is no relationship not worth communicating what feels true or not true.
Hi Steffi, ‘there is no relationship not worth communicating what feels true or not true.’ Absolutely!
have found that there are so many opportunities to learn and develop when I understand that I am in a relationship with humanity, not just those I live with or my family and friends.
Deeply profound blog and I really enjoyed it! It’s amazing how subtle our behaviours can be that aren’t loving or truthful. Bit as you’ve shared about the relationship with your work colleague, the energy behind every expression can always be felt. And so to communicate truth with him at that moment was a beautiful healing for him, you, and every relationship that you both have. I feel very inspired by this. Thankyou
Ooh Harrison of course – ‘a healing for every relationship we both have’ this is a point I had not considered – thank you.
This blog is pure gold, JY! There is so much shared wisdom here: from allowing yourself to feel what it does to you when another speaks to or about you to expressing without reaction what that did to you. My feeling is not only this colleague and you got a healing, but the whole office felt it, learnt from it and benefited from it. If we express truth it is not only to deepen our relationship with ourselves but with everyone around us.
Great point Monika, ‘the whole office felt it’, since everything is felt then this is true, everyone would have felt the clearing of the unloving behaviour and truth being spoken.
The way you describe sitting with your colleague is very beautiful to read JY. I love this gentle reminder, to appreciate truth as nurturer of all that comes, building our relationship with us and with everyone.
Beautifully said Joseph thank you, ‘truth is a nurturer of all that comes’ and why do we ever want to hide from it?!
JY I was moved by reading how your chose to honour your feeling and your colleague by taking time out to discuss what you had been observing. I particularly loved that you appreciated his part in the process: “For him to be willing to accept the power of the spoken word and how it can affect others … was a step forward in our relationship and one I could not have taken alone. He took a huge step towards me and all others in his willingness to understand.” This has inspired me to pay more attention to looking out for and celebrating even the little steps that people may be making around me.
That’s a great point to remember Golnaz – to celebrate those steps we each and every one take.
I love what you have shared here ‘When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with. In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen.’
I’m getting from what you describe JY, that if you had fulfilled your role as an a friend or colleague as society’s ideals would have it, you would have tolerated the snide jokes.
In my experience, I have held others to ransom for not prescribing to an ideal e.g. parent. Buying into the ideal actually set me up to be hurt by them when they were not fulfilled. They weren’t intentionally trying to hurt me. They were coping with life in the way they knew at the time. So who is responsible for the hurt? Me! Ha! What a crazy merry-go-round of blame and retribution where everybody loses. Ideals are evil. Fact.
Hi Jinya, Yes and where exactly do we get those ideals from? Why do we not simply feel our way through life? We feel everything as children so why do we choose to stop following the feeling and agree to live the falseness of ideals?
I can really feel how true this is JY, ‘True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us.’ This is how I grew up, we as a family didn’t communicate how we were feeling and so it felt very isolating growing up with us not expressing love or truth with each other. This seemed to be the norm with my friends and their families too.
This is so true and beautiful to read for it is important for all relationships to grow and flourish in a evolving way forward and brings the true way to express back into our lives that we have not been shown and seen. This article is inspiring and a great real reflection to feel ,see and embrace. Thank you.
It is true Tricia there is such value in allowing relationships to grow and truth and love are the cornerstones on which we can build.
Speaking up and expressing when we feel something is not true without reaction or an agenda can totally change a relationship. I am learning that keeping quiet and not saying anything just allows the behaviour to carry on or in many cases escalate. The beautiful thing that you have high lighted here JY is that when you spoke up, the truth was felt by your colleague and he will now be so much more aware and catch himself the next time he makes jokes that are controlling and harming.
That’s very true Alison my colleague will be more aware of the effect ‘jokes’ or any expression can have and that gift he can share with everyone he meets.
Something I got from re-reading your blog, JY, is how much I have been the manipulator in the past, because I was attached to a certain outcome and not allowing the relationship to just unfold. When we become fixed on something or have a need, truth can never be a part of the equation, and we hurt others along the way. It is truly inspiring that you were able to call out what did not feel right with your colleague, as it gave him an opportunity to re-connect to truth.
Thank you for sharing your experiences JY. I can really see how hurtful the subtle put downs and manipulation in relationships are – yet I used to consider this just a normal part of everyday life. I wouldn’t think twice about doing this to keep my wall of protection up. Now when I see and hear jokes that put people down at work it feels horrible yet is accepted – it was very powerful to read how you addressed this by sitting down and being honest about how you felt and the blessing the other person received.
Yes it was a truly open moment and it was a blessing but also for me, for in my colleague’s receiving of it the way he did I came to know this level of communication is possible and it was a new marker of how to express in truth. I am so appreciative of that fact.
Thanks for this great offering JY, how much more would life be simpler if we could only drop the silly games and express truthfully how we feel in all relationships. Your example from work is a classic, that could have gone on and on in the wrong direction had yo not nipped it in the bud and expressed your truth.
Gosh Kevin, yes without all those silly games within everyday communication and instead offer the truth as how we feel it, that would be simple gorgeous.
Yes Kevin that is what I love on JY blog – it is this offering that we have a choice to tell truly what we feel or we keep on playing the old game again and again and again . . .
I fully agree with you JY, true relationship is based on true communication and it is important that we start to understand this. As you have written in your blog, we are used to have manipulation in our relationships and when we are not aware of this fact we believe that this is the normal. We only have to look and listen to society and we know that there is something wrong about how people build relations with each other and we have to come to a point where we have to say that we do not accept this anymore but want relationships based on true and open communication, where everything is discussed and questioned, all to make our relationships based on love and to have these relationships to evolve each other.
Ooh Nico you have brought in an element I have not yet read, claiming what is to be.’we have to come to a point where we have to say that we do not accept this anymore but want relationships based on true and open communication, where everything is discussed and questioned’ This is more than just a commitment it is a command of choosing truth in our life and in our relationships. Love it.
I couldn’t agree more Nico, society has lost its way and I certainly do not see much harmony in relationships in general. Time to take a stop, breathe and say NO MORE DISHARMONY. Only true loving connection allows us to build real relationships.
JY, it is amazing how communicating how you felt offered such a huge healing for your colleague. This shows me how important it is to communicate in order to build loving relationships.
Holding back and not communicating or expressing what one is feeling deep within is something that remains unsaid and sits there within us as tension and stress in our bodies. It is unfortunately so normal now for most to not communicate but that is all to our detriment as we all grow when someone is expressing their truth.
Yes the flower within will eventually reach its way out…
Beautiful Matts, the flower within will eventually reach its way out…
Indeed for a long time I thought that when people referred to a relationship it was between domestic partnership. Boy have I missed out on the work relationship includes everything in life. And the development of relationships is actually the break down, nomination and awareness of the ideals which hold back absolutely amazing relationships.
Such a powerful article, thank you JY. There are so many ways we try to make ourselves less than or more than others, both overt and subtle. It seems to always be there needing to be identified and spoken about for the relationship to go to anywhere meaningful.
Thank you Joel, I wonder what is it that drives us to be identified and ‘one up’ or indeed lesser than others why can we not recognise the situation or behaviour and simply stop. I know I would never have done so when I was in the relationship with my ex-husband it was simply ‘normal’ but why could I not see it was not normal at all!
Beautiful blog, thank you for sharing. We are in relationships every day, with everyone we interact with. The way I am in relationships these days has changed so much since I have allowed myself to express more and share openly. When I do this, it allows others to also express.
Yes, and what I notice it that what people express is very open and intimate. Within a couple of minutes, people share very personal things and this just comes from being open and sharing openly about myself.
Rosie I too have experienced a deepening of my relationships since opening up to people and going beyond my first reaction. I observe rather than react and in the process my life is much simplified for instead of creating barriers and remembering who said/did what to me I meet people on equal footing and with honesty.
Yes and how liberating is that, I can say from my own experience, when being truthful in expression and holding people at the same time, awesome developments in relationships can and do occur.
JY your open and honest sharing with your work colleague was beautiful to read. It inspires me to continue to express openly the truth with love and all else will unfold as it should for the evolution of all.
JY – what a huge step forward for both you and your colleague through your choice to express honestly what you were feeling. Your blog has helped support me to commitment further to the development of full expression in all my relationships. Thank you.
We learn how to manipulate relationships from a young age – if someone gives us ‘the silent treatment’ or ‘the sulks’ or is angry with us, we feel uncomfortable and may do anything to make things right – we have just learnt how to get others to do what we want too. We are responsible for bringing truth to relationships so that others get to feel and experience that there is another way.
Well said Carmin, we do learn these behaviours from a very early age – and how beautiful it is to offer those around us including children a reflection of relationship based on truth and love – a different way of being without need for manipulation.
A gorgeous sharing – thank you JY. It is so true that when we take the opportunity to be honest with ourselves and share what we truly feel with someone we invite a deepening of the relationship that is founded on truth, love and honesty.
Hi Carola, Yes and it is such a beautiful opportunity to learn how to deepen our relationships and not just think this is where it’s at and won’t change.
I really appreciate you sharing this story JY. The description of how you shared what it felt like to hear those comments from you work colleague and what followed, is quite inspirational. It’s not only the benefit we receive, it’s the huge opportunity we give another when we express in full to someone.
I totally agree Oliver it is such an opportunity we give another and also ourselves because expressing truth is not always what we do and to actually do so regardless of outcome is such a gift we can offer ourselves.
Yes, expressing the truth, without having any expectation of a fixed outcome is a real gift to everyone involved. I know that in the past, I have feared expressing because of how another will react, and therefore have allowed the tension to remain and the words unspoken which really is way worse than any reaction.
Totally agree Rosie, it is exactly what I have done in the past – holding in the tension and saying nothing for fear of the reaction. Looking back I can see the disservice that was for everyone and led to relationships which were purely arrangements.
One of the most hurtful things within any relationship is us holding back in expressing how we feel. We may or may not be truly heard, and that we can’t control or expect of others. But we can always choose to honor the relationship with ourself and express our feelings. Thank you JY.
Thank you for this reminder Adele ‘we can always choose to honor the relationship with ourself and express our feelings.’ Remembering this is changing and deepening the relationships I have with others and myself.
Wow Adele what a powerful comment, I find it very inspiring to feel this power of you!
Every person I meet forms part of chain of relationship. The honesty or lack of it during the exchange will determine whether the link is strong or weak. And as a chain is only as strong as its weakest link I understand the need for true relationship based on respect for the other person. It is amazing how meeting an other person’s smile or warmth can do for me so why not give it in spades to others.
So well said Patricia – every chain is only as strong as the weakest link – so that brings in the aspect of responsibility to maintain each moment as love in order for the chain to be strong. Thank you for that piece of wisdom.
I’m really starting to appreciate that there really is no reason to be a different person in the many different situations we find ourselves in, be it work, home and with friends. The more I just bring myself to every situation, the easier I find being able to deal with all that arises. Of course, some situations are harder, and the truth is, not everyone will respond as well as you might like them to, but offering them the opportunity to feel it, is so valuable. I’ve noticed that this approach is also far less draining on the body, and I’m not as exhausted as I used to be. Bonus!
This is a great piece of writing about how simple and caring it actually is to tell the truth.
Yes, it is very caring to tell the truth. This sharing shows how both people were held beautifully in the gorgeousness of love and being honest.
Makes any relationship then so much more authentic and open, and the possibilities for deeper connections are then boundless.
Yes Karina and those deepening relations can be shared with one and all.
Well said Shami, being honest saves so much time and energy
This is a gift to me. I deeply feel what you mean by communicating and expressing what you feel and openly share this, from honesty. I can feel how this is the key to actually deal with hurts, pains and issues. We no longer need to avoid them, just simply feel what is going on, and express it !
Yes very true Danna, I have found too that it is so important to feel what is going on instead of ignoring it. By feeling it I can express that and when I ignore what is going on well, it is not possible to express that.
Thank you Jane, No abuse is acceptable – no matter how subtle but how often do we walk away rather than address it especially when at work and this particular situation gave me a gift, an opportunity to speak if I chose it. The more we speak out about the things we see in life which are not true the more likely we will be to develop true schooling, parenting and living.
Thank you JY and Jane for emphasizing the subtle use of abuse. I have felt this in the past and it has caught me out. On reflection I have came to realise the abuse of subtle abuse. Speaking out is the way forward for me no matter how small the reply, work in progress.
Hello JY and thank you for this step in our relationship. I loved this line and the redefining of the word ‘relationship’, “When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with.” This brings the word ‘relationship’ out and also broadens the responsibility we have with everyone and everything we meet. Many of us have chosen not to see the truth of what you are saying here. Everything is a relationship, whether we choose to see that or not.
I like that, Raymond – ‘Everything is a relationship’. Going through the day, I can see that we are in relationship with everything we touch and with everyone we meet, but we also affect the entire environment that we are interacting in. Being aware of the ripple affect of our choices, certainly opens things up and gives us a greater sense of responsibility for how we are in the world and the space around us.
Hi Raymond and Janet, These comments expand what has been written, that we are not only in a relationship with everyone we meet but with everything we touch! Wow that really deepens the responsibility we have in every movement we make.
Being absolutely honest and expressing openly will allow people to open up and trust – by that magical moments are sure to occur. It is so beautiful to truly meet somebody else.
I have found it interesting watching my 6 year old as his self worth has been increasing. When others make jokes that have a certain undertone he is now able to speak up and say that he doesn’t like it. This can be very confronting if the jokes come from adults. But he is clear in himself that he doesn’t want to be spoken to like that. So amazing to see in a child.
What you have said about not fully being aware of the abuse and manipulation that you had in previous relationships, echoes what I feel many are currently unaware of, especially young people. You not only raise such an important topic but show how, when you do speak up and with love, how big this really is and only then can it start to truly heal, not only that the other person gets to feel the importance of being responsible with expression. I feel what you expressed to your colleague at work is a monumental moment in your life. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Vicky, it certainly was a monumental moment in my life – a turning point where having felt the potential opening for us all when speaking truth I chose to write the blog to share the potential we all have, always.
True communication with no holding back is so important in our relationships. Even those little things that we think are silly and not important can be fed and grow and can have a detrimental effect on a relationship. In the past I have fallen into not speaking up, putting my needs and feelings aside and telling myself that it is my problem and that I should be able to deal with it or be more accommodating. But in reality this does not help my relationships. When I speak up about what is going on for me, it offers up the shared opportunity for evolution, even when I’m wrong. Relationships are about people being together. In that being together comes the beauty of working through things together.
Very well said Nikki ! Even the tiniest things build to something bigger, if they are not spoken about. A relationship should always feel like a team, that wants to get to the truth. No wrong or right or you did and I did….
I can totally relate to what you are saying in your comment, Nikki. I have often held back feeling that what I needed to say was not so important in the grander picture of life or as you say to be ‘more accommodating’. Afterwards, however, it was left in my body as a sort of nagging feeling that would eventually be buried deep down with all those other ‘moments’ of holding back, and then after some time the dam would burst and the feelings would come out in an inappropriate way. When I allow myself time to fully express I am allowing the other person time to get to know the real me and not the edited version, which ends with denying us both the opportunity to expand our relationship.
I completely agree, when we are able to express and share with each other, we have more understanding and we don’t let the tension build. The results are amazing because once expressed, the issue is no longer an issue and is also not something that you can hold as amunition to use against another at a later date as it has not been fueled enough..
Everyone I encounter means I have a relationship with that person, even for a short moment. It means relating allways. If I don’t look at the person at the counter, I don’t connect and probably I am allready busy not being with me.
For me every encounter is a reflection where I am with myself, thus the relationship with myself.
Hi Simone, your comment deserves repeating because it is so important ‘If I don’t look at the person at the counter, I don’t connect and probably I am already busy not being with me.’ This is such a truth, if we don’t connect with others are we really connected at all?
Thank you JY – Gosh this really made me see how defensive I can be and how this is not helpful to any relationships. Thank you for your fearlessness and willingness to be open to others.
Isn’t is truly awesome how we can be an inspiration for one another. Thank you for inspiring me with your honesty and willingness to feel.
Thank you JY, your honesty and willingness to feel and express gave you not only your amazing experience but an opportunity to express and share your truth further through this very inspiring blog. It has given me much to ponder on in regards to my expression in my relationships, and how much honesty I allow, in relating to myself and others.
Hi Rosemary, Yes expressing through this blog was a gift given to me by the situation and the love within it and a student who prompted me to write and share it.
I to Shevon have been noticing just how judgemental I can be and how I hold so many expectations, ideals and beliefs around many of the relationships I have with others.
Such a great sharing JY about the truth of relationships. I love how you describe your journey of building first of all a loving relationship with yourself and from there and through truthful communication with all the people you interact with. Thank you for sharing.
Very inspirational JY, this blog clearly shows how communication and the way we are in a relationship is so important. And with this the importance of clearly calling out when something is not right.
And I love how the calling out was done and expressed from the foundation and care of the relationship first. I feel this is the key to true clear communication- to always see and hold the love as the foundation.
Yes great point Johanna “expressed from the foundation and care of the relationship”. Instead of what I noticed in myself that can happen at times: expressing from a hurt in yourself and wanting to remove the hurt by changing the other person.
Yes that is a great point, choosing to call it out in honour of both parties, not just yourself and your hurts. That is creating the equality that is needed in a relationship, all that is there needs to be shared, and the level of responsibility for the quality of the relationship lies in each hand, there is no one more important or more responsible in relationships.
JY what you share is golden, the steps of truth in a relationship: allowing ourselves to truly feel what every communication feels like, allowing ourselves to express what we feel and being open to what others share with us with a willingness to honestly look at our choices and patterns. I have found this works so very well when both parties are choosing this and my relationship have blossomed and reached a depth I could have never imagined.
Why is it that we accept manipulation and abuse in relationship as normal when it is the furthest thing from normal in truth?
It is so true that we grow up believing that certain relationships are more important than others. I love how you so beautifully share, “When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with.” So easy to dismiss others when we think we are not in relationship with them, this makes every interaction we have with everyone equally important. What a different world it would be if everyone lived this this way.
It is quite a big thing to realise that we have so many relationships, because each and every person we interact with, is a relationship and in that we have a responsibility. I have enjoyed playing around with my relationships now that I am aware of them, sharing more openly and connecting to all the random people I meet along my way. What I have noticed is that in doing this, I have some great moments and wonder why did I not do this earlier. I was missing out on really getting to know so many people because I was in an illusion that relationshis were just for a partner or family.
Wow – this awesome blog has just reminded me that my relationships cannot be loving if they are not also based on truth. An excellent reminder to bring truth to each interaction.
Thank you JY. It is a real eye opener to know that everyone we interact with we are in a relationship with. If someone for example stops and asks us for directions in the street then for one brief moment we are in a relationship with them. Every interaction affords us an opportunity to develop and deeper our relationship with ourselves and each other.
And as we accept the truth of our interconnectedness, we provide great big waste bins willingly ready to receive all the issues, roles and expectations that pollute our relationships.
Hi Elizabeth yes every moment and what a gift for ourselves and everyone we meet.
At times I find myself pandering to this type of workplace behaviour in putting others down. It feels gross and so very wrong and I know the energy must be called out in order for the ‘office politics’ to cease. Thank you for sharing your experience JY as others can learn much and be inspired by your courage to speak up and honour what you feel.
I agree with you Rachael. At work in the past I witnessed subtle bullying but bullying none the less and it took me some time to stand up and expose the behaviour. It certainly brought the whole room to a stop and awareness that every one of us is condoning that behaviour if we do not speak up.
Thank you for this truth JY, I can see that it is not always easy for people to admit when they are exposing their manipulative or controlling behaviours but the truth is that with love as the foundation such old patterns are not only quite common for most; they need to be exposed to make way for a further expansion of more love and understanding.
Hi Cherise, I agree and I am sure in the past having my own behaviours exposed would have brought up reaction instead of acceptance of the truth. Thankfully I have begun to develop enough honesty to look at my own less than loving moments as well as appreciating the love and joy we share.
Being open, honest and expressing when something doesn’t feel right (like the energy in the jokes that you write about) is a far more solid foundation for any relationship than clinging to our ideals and beliefs of what it should be like and in the process overlooking and not feeling what is really going on.
I agree, Gabriele. Honesty or ideals and beliefs? I go honesty!
Hi Gabriele, yes I hadn’t thought about it being a foundation of truth but that is exactly what it is. When we address the subtleties and build that foundation then the relationship is on solid ground so to speak.
Thank you JY – how beautifully you have addressed the age-old ‘struggle’ that can be in relationships. It is so inspiring to hear of your attendance at Universal Medicine presentations and how this and the openness of the students has supported you to be more honest in your expression with yourself and others.
“This of course means communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments, both of my own and others”.
Hi Stephanie, Yes the inspiration and true education I have seen, heard and felt through the love of Universal Medicine presentations and the student body gave me the choice to begin to live in a way which was more loving. It is an ongoing choice to live this way and unfold. The reflections around me support that unfolding. Thank you.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this JK. I am learning much about my relationships on many levels so your sharing is a great reminder and confirmation of the opportunity we all have to develop true relationships based on love. Thank you
I have also felt this, that I can be very aware of tiny subtle things that are going on but just don’t think to say anything or feel they are worth expressing. It’s only when they become more obvious, like you describe with the joke hitting you like a hammer, that something needs addressing and it can often feel too difficult or you just want to retreat from the situation by that point. Yours is a great example of how important it is to share the things we notice and feel, as if we dont they get more intense or obvious. It’s lovely to hear how the situation panned out, well worth speaking up.
Absolutely Laura – the little, subtle kinds of abuse that often go unnoticed are super important to call out and expose… Otherwise they are allowed to escalate, and the situation snow balls.
Wow, JY, sitting down with a colleague and asking what is going on after observing in detail what happened is amazing. It almost feels like your colleague couldn’t handle being open and caring (loving) and chose to flee into making worse and worse jokes. I see that happen all the time but I have never seen anybody call it out in the way you did.
Really great point Christoph ‘ It almost feels like your colleague couldn’t handle being open and caring (loving) and chose to flee into making worse and worse jokes’ when we are challenged by the love we feel we can choose to remain open to it or go into old protective behaviours to numb ourselves from feeling.
I agree, the way you spoke to your colleague and brought this to his attention rather than let the tension build is very inspirational. Instead of there being an issue between you, I am sure now there is so much more love and understanding.
So many of our relationships are based on a wall of protection that allows us only to see things through the lens of our experiences.
You so right Adam, until we can see past the walls we have all built to protect ourselves it will be forever difficult to build or hold real relationships with anyone.
This is very true Adam, a lot of relationships are based on avoiding getting hurt (again) rather than expanding each other.
Yes dismantling my wall of protection is allowing me to see all my relationships with clearer eyes and allowing me to take the opportunities I am offered for truthful communication.
It is ridiculous how narrow we have become in our perspective of life as we have learnt to protect ourselves from the world and as you say Adam ‘ only to see things through the lens of our experiences’. We have shut ourselves off from the most amazing and wonderful experiences – those of sharing our inner most and heartfelt feelings that can only expand and allow us to feel more at one with the world around us. This way we have nothing left to protect.
‘through the lens of our experiences’ goodness that comment really pins the tail on the donkey for me. My experiences have led to my current vision of the world until I choose differently.
I love how you had the strength and courage to speak up about how you felt and the man was able to feel the truth of it. That is awesome. Your final paragraph is great too, I feel the same, we are in relationship with each and every person we interact with. So there are opportunities being presented to us all the time to speak truthfully from our hearts.
This is a brilliant read, I can relate to relationship that develop into patterns that don’t feel right. I loved JY how you called out the comments that you felt hurtful, how often I have not done that and allowed things to slide. If we stand up for ourselves and say we want more from a relationship then there is less room for abuse of any kind, any size. It feels like this transformed the way the relationship you were forming would go, I have had similar experiences and now will no longer settle for things that don’t feel right and am much more willing to say so.
Thank you Stephen and I agree by standing up for ourselves and speaking truth our relationships can transform and truly deepen our connections with those around us. It seems to me the more we are willing to speak up the easier it becomes and the body gets more and more honest about what doesn’t feel true at more and more subtle levels.
So true Stephen, ‘ If we stand up for ourselves and say we want more from a relationship then there is less room for abuse of any kind’, this is something that I struggle with and so I allow subtle forms of abuse in my relationships, it is great to read how you are much more willing to call things out Stephen and JY, you inspire me to also.
It is true Rebecca how we are inspired by others and equally so can inspire when we live and speak the truth.
I know from experience that when we don’t communicate how we feel it allows negative situations to hang around and then affect future interactions and relationships. With my family for example at first it felt uncomfortable to say how I felt after so long of keeping everything bottled up. But the freeing feeling that comes after saying how I feel is amazing and I can catch more now when undercurrents occur. And there is less hesitation to holding back how I feel the more I don’t hold back. Even just mentioning a slightly off comment can clear the air and doesn’t allow it to snowball.
Well said Leigh ‘ Even just mentioning a slightly off comment can clear the air and doesn’t allow it to snowball.’ Nip it in the bud with love.
Thank you JY. I too have felt the power of what has been presented as part of Universal Medicine workshops – especially on relationships. My relationships everywhere have changed – for the better – as a result. I now know that everyone feels everything, so if there is something happening that is not communicated then it creates a tension – and this tension can be cut in the very instant it appears, or if left can fester and turn into all manner of complications. Keeping it simple, and communicating from love is definitely key in any relationship we have.
That tension is palpable, yet for so long I lived pretending it would go away. It can go away so easily if addressed and when addressed the lightness that follows is well received by everyone – even when followed by a lot of processing.
Hello Amelia Stephens and this brought a smile to my face, “Keeping it simple, and communicating from love is definitely key in any relationship we have.” I agree to “Keeping it simple”.
Thankyou Amelia, well Said.
Absolutely Amelia. How COMPLEX – and not at all simple – we make it when we withhold communicating with each other. Oh the ‘tangled webs’ that perpetuate for generation upon generation….
And yet, how powerfully ALL of it can be addressed, via the simple choice to express what we know to be true.
Doh
This is such a refreshing read- not only did you say how you felt about his behaviour, but he was actually prepared to listen too! That’s gold. I know it can be one thing to speak your truth, and then another thing altogether to be heard. What a great story, yes we do take on ideals, beliefs a bit, how we should act around others, none of this is helpful for developing true relationships, where we say how we really feel. This is super important, and a skill we all need to keep working on. Thanks for writing this, it feels great to read it, very inspiring.
One expressed, one listened, but both grew and expanded enormously 🙂
Wow Marika, your comment shines light gloriously.
I just realize that I have so much to say about your article – you have now inspired me to write a blog about this topic, too.
Beautiful Monika – as you are so deeply inspired, so too will your blog be inspiring for others – I look forward to reading it!
Beautiful Monika, and I agree Stephanie I look forward to your blog. x
We all would have blogs and experiences to share on this topic Monika – and there is nothing like some inspiration from another to get the ball rolling.
Well said Gill and thank you JYfor sharing this great insight and I too am inspired by your expression.
Gorgeous writing thank you JY. It is quite powerful what you have shared and exposed here because there are so so so many dynamics that go on -every minute of the day – in relationships and much more than we ever thought. It is such a gift – a you have shared – when you can uncover them and share openly and honestly about what goes on for both people in the relationship. To bring us back to truth.
Hi Sarah, absolutely there are oh so many dynamics and we rarely stop and say ‘hang on a minute this is not truth or loving so lets stop and be honest’ If we don’t take the time to feel what is under the dynamic and speak we all lose.
Thank you JY for this article. I can see me so much in all you have described from what I thought is a normal relationship. I was not experiencing communication when I grew up, there was a lot of unspoken attacks, silence war and poison in the air at home. I did not have a truthful indicator for a loving relationship. But I knew that this is what I was missing. But the way I have been searching for this missing link was leading me to more delays in my further development. It actually did the opposite, as I can see it now from where I am at. That it is why it is so important to live a true relationship with ourselves to be able to meet others in the same quality.
Having the honesty and willingness to “go there” so to speak in all relationships is such a great base to start with
I agree Jaime having the ‘willingness to go there’ is the for runner of building the relationships on truth.
“In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another” – WOW! Awesome sentence, and one that resonates deeply within me. How many times do I just agree, go along or just not express or share how I feel. The funny thing is that I feel it clearly when other people do the same with me, – and it does not feel good at all. I loved your blog, JY, – what an absolutely awesome example of being honest to yourself first, about how you felt, then expressing from there. Nothing can go wrong when expressing from who you truly are and how you truly feel. Thank you for the inspiration.
Oh the corrosive effect of so-called humour, no-one wanting to say anything because it is just ‘having a laugh’. Thank you for calling it out, which on this occasion was taken as an opportunity by the ‘joker’, even if it hadn’t been, you still gave him the chance to review his behaviour.
So many ‘comedians’ talk about turning to humour as a child to stop themselves from being bullied…only to use that in fact as a way of bullying. As I heard so frequently from my parents, laugh with people, not at them.
Your parents were obviously very insightful people, yes, laugh WITH people, not at them. Not at anyone else’s expense.
Interesting how many comedians turn to humour as a defence which can then end up harming others that they interact with but also many other people because of the example that they present that it appears OK to interact with people in this way. Humour can be a very dangerous weapon and it is great that you felt the truth of the situation and addressed it at an early stage with your colleague.
Good point Kathie – even if he had not taken it in the way that he did, it is still important to speak up and value how YOU feel, not walk away feeling different based on their reaction to you speaking out or raising the issue
Relationships are gold, any relationships. I am in the proces of bringing more truth into my relationships, all of my relationshsips, and truly expressing how I feel. I can very much relate to the manipulations, especially when there are needs and expectations. My own needs have been exposed a lot the last few months which has supported me in deepening my own relationship with myself. Which is the foundation of all relationships.
I agree Mariette, relationships are gold, they give us the opportunity in every moment to feel where we are at, they reflect our own behaviours loving or otherwise and allow us to deepen our love for all.
This is such a truthful and honest article that really makes one feel into ones own relationships, the patterns and the subtleties that come up that we live with and accept as normal. It is very inspiring to look honestly at these patterns and ways we live, it gives a beautiful and helpful way to address things and speak from the truth in the instance and this is very powerful. Thank you for your honest sharing and love in all you offer and write.
I agree Tricia, it is totally inspiring to look with honesty at the patterns of behaviour we still play out in our relationships. I find when I allow myself to be honest that there is always a piece of gold dust in the lining of the jacket I remove so to speak, each layer or behaviour I uncover reveals a deeper and more loving me underneath.
Thank you for sharing your experience with communication in relationships JY. It takes the consistency of living with honesty to be able to speak to your workmate like you did, and the benefits are tenfold. It is clear you have come a long way with living with integrity, I can certainly relate.
What I found amazing about this, JY, is how instead of taking the abuse from your work colleague, you exposed it and called it out face-to-face.. But this wasn’t out of reaction or need for him to apologise, it was because you could feel the potential of the relationship and could equally feel everything that was not in line with that potential. If we applied this with everyone in our lives, it would be pretty incredible.
So true Susie. How many relationships wither because we do not speak up?
Yes Nikki how many relationships fall by the wayside of fear of speaking our truth . It’s the fear of worrying about the other persons reactions or non reactions, so the what if factors. Instead of actually being vulnerable and communicating with our hearts what is there to be expressed in full.
Hello Susie Williams and I agree, well said. Imagine what this did to the workplace JY was in. If we allow the subtle jokes, remarks go in any relationship well then it seems to breed more of the same. Putting our hand up and saying no from an equal space allows everyone to see what is going on, if they choose. I enjoyed the care JY bought to this as well and I can see how important it is and as you say Susie “this wasn’t out of reaction or need”. To sit him down and speak to him like JY did was part of the key for this to be heard.
I agree Susie and Ray there is no acceptable level of abuse and if we remain silent we actually say ‘Its ok to abuse me’ – we give the abuser permission to continue! Its true that how we speak is the key ‘not from reaction or need’ but knowing that we are all equal brothers and Love says No to abuse.
Ah yes, very true Raymond – without calling out and exposing this, the behaviour would be allowed to ‘breed’… Who knows, in a few years time if it continued to escalate because no one stepped in and called it out it could end up being a lot more serious that just these ‘subtle jokes and remarks’.
Hello again Susie Williams, it’s can be funny how many levels of ‘serious’ there are. What is seen as serious for you may not be the same for me. One thing we all agree on is that we can all feel these behaviours or patterns no matter how we see them effecting us. We have a responsibility as we are saying to speak up at the point we feel something is ‘not right’. If we choose not to for any reason, i.e. no time, it’s not that bad, I’m sure they didn’t mean it, it will go away, they weren’t speaking about me etc then we should realise we are supporting that ‘not right’ we felt. As JY say’s, “there is no acceptable level of abuse and if we remain silent we actually say ‘Its ok to abuse me’ – we give the abuser permission to continue!” We live in way that say’s things to us like, “if you ignore it, it will go away”. But where does it go if you haven’t dealt with it? I say it returns to us, at times larger than when it started and we at that point stand there shocked. These supposed little things like this we feel and say are no different to say cleaning a house, ignore it and don’t do anything you can still go on day to day and live but after a while there is so much mess you can hardly move. If you live with others or have children it will effect them as well. It becomes larger and takes a whole lot more time and energy to clean it up, where as do a bit each day and you don’t even notice a thing but you life is a whole lot clearer and cleaner. We all have a responsibility.
What occurs to me is how a fully functioning free running drain can become blocked with disastrous and costly results by such insidious things such as hair, leaves or accumulated dirt, totally disproportionate in size to the chaos they can cause and the amount of water they can hold back.
….plus how quickly the water can drain away once the debris is removed….and I haven’t come across a resentful drain yet!!
Hi Ray, “if you ignore it, it will go away”. But where does it go if you haven’t dealt with it? ‘ you know I feel when we have that tension in our body from a situation we find ourselves in and we don’t deal with it – you are right it doesn’t go away but sits inside like a toothache and if we don’t deal with a toothache then we possibly in the long term lose a tooth. It has to come out somehow. So if its sitting in your stomach like a heavy stone how does it come out? Is this possibly how we build up stomach ulcers for example from holding it in?
Well said Susie, so important to expose this behaviour from a place of no reaction or need, just from a place of love. The impact of speaking truth in this way would then benefit the whole workplace, and be felt by all.
Yes, I love this too Susie. Exposing what is not loving in a relationship is a deeply loving way to be with each other, and yet it is not our ‘normal’ way of expressing… If we learnt this at school the whole world would be a different place.
It would be Susie!
So Incredible
Great wisdom Suzie, to halt a situation like this by expressing honestly how it makes you feel, shows not only the deep regard JY has for herself but also her dedication to this or any relationship being nothing less than the love she knows it can be.
Great comment Susie. To feel the potential of all relationships and to equally feel everything that is not in line with that potential is an awesome way of looking at our relationships… something to feel more deeply in my body as it takes relationships to a new level for me. Thank you.
I agree Susie. At the Financial Times there was recently a column about an old duffer making a sexist remark with hundreds of comments by readers. Nobody as far as I could see recommended for the woman to have a quiet word with the old duffer and saying how hurtful and wrong the remark was.
Lots of aggressive and procedural suggestions, no recommendations of a meeting.
What you say is so true, Susie. The amazing thing that JY exposes here is that by honouring herself she has allowed her colleague a moment for reflection. When we honour ourselves we offer the world a great blessing – as you say we are opening ourselves up to the potential of expanding – and this can affect all our relationships in an ever evolving way. We all hold within us the true potential to change the world and how as human beings we relate to one another. If we hold onto our old perceptions of not wanting to move out of our comfort zone we will just all keep going around in circles as nothing will ever change.
Spot on Susie. Rather than perpetuate a cycle of reaction upon reaction… JY has shown that there needn’t be any ‘issue’ whatsoever with speaking up and communicating. To withhold this would actually do a great disservice to the other person.
And yes, what if we were ‘this real’ an open in all of our relationships??? Millenia of abusive behaviour would be obliterated… This calls us all to realise that in addressing what is there to communicated in our own lives, we don’t just do this for ourselves, we are pretty much shifting the poles the planet has balanced on for a long, long time (those that have had no basis in love).
Thank you, JY. There is a lot of wisdom in your words that comes from your lived experience of changing how you are in relationship with others. It feels like you have stripped things right back to what is important – the commitment to express the truth of what we are feeling in any given situation, and how healing that can be for all concerned. Lots to take away and consider further in the context of my life…
Thank you Janet, The way we are expressing can be an inspiration for each other and I feel so appreciative of all the opportunities we are given to do so, even when those opportunities may come from what seems a difficult situation there is always the possibility of a moment of love to be shared.
I just love your expression here JY: “…opportunities may come from what seems a difficult situation, there is always the possibility of a moment of love to be shared.” So true and such a gem to remember and appreciate. Thank you.
Very true JY, feeling the appreciation of the opportunities that are presented to us, no matter how difficult. I am beginning to see these as little drops of love to be shared and expressed.
Hi Mary, I love this ‘little drops of love to be shared and expressed’ it has a warmth and a joy within it.
Thank you JY – this shows me how we can let other people take advantage of us very easily – and in truth – by not speaking up we are being just as harming as they are. What an amazing experience with your colleague and it inspires me deeply. I have always feared speaking up because of the reaction of the other person but as you share here- it ws simply a calling for the relationship to be more true.
Hi Hannah, yes I agree we always have a choice and we can choose to let other people play out behaviours which are not loving but this experience gave me a marker of what it can be when we truly speak up from love.
It’s wonderful that you felt able to express to your colleague that you felt hurt by his jokes as it’s through communication of this sort that “..we deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen.”
Absolutely Peter – we can be often put down by jokes/hurt by them, but brush it off because ‘they didn’t mean it’ or ‘it was just a joke’, but expressing when those kind of things are not okay, actually can deepen the relationship
I agree JY, I have found my understanding of relationships is growing and deepening as I attend Universal Medicine workshops on Relationships – they have expanded my understanding of the subtleties that take place when we attempt to communicate what we feel. I know that sometimes when I am preoccupied with life and not fully present I am not always aware of how I can fall back into old ways of manipulation, particularly when I feel unsure of myself. With the help of the workshops I am learning that life is so much more simple when I express the truth of what I am feeling and allow another to see into my heart.
It was so beautiful and inspiring to read your account of what happened when you were able to communicate so clearly how you felt about the jokes of your work colleague – and that he was so open to what you said. As you so eloquently expressed ‘In order for a relationship to be based on Love it must be based on Truth; this means taking a moment out, feeling what is happening in any given situation and honouring that by communicating it. This of course means communicating my absolute appreciation of those around me who are part of my life as well as discussing those less than truthful moments, both of my own and others’.
This line is beautiful Susan ‘ I am learning that life is so much more simple when I express the truth of what I am feeling and allow another to see into my heart.’ I can really feel my heart when I read this and it shows the effect of true expression.
Thank you JY for sharing your growing understanding of what it is to be in true relationships with others and I love how you have summed it up so beautifully ‘In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another, to support them and ourselves to become more aware, and with that we actually grow and deepen our connections with each other and allow true relationships to develop and strengthen.’ It is so true that the more honest we become in what we share in all our relationships the more opportunity the other person has to meet us and expand the relationship. I have had some lovely examples of that at work and home this week and feel truly blessed to have come to a deeper understanding of how I used to function in relationships and now that I am willing to communicate more openly my relationships are expanding and becoming more real.
Your insight into relationships is so clear JY and all the subtle ways we manipulate each other. Imagine if we were taught this at school how illuminating and insightful we would feel going through life about our own behaviour and that of others. It’s beautiful to hear about how you were able to speak with your colleague, be heard and inspire understanding in him. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Rachel, I was truly inspired by my colleagues openness and deeply touched by his honesty. If as children we were taught this the world would be a much gentler and more open place to be.
Good point Rachel – if this was part of SRE (sex and relationships education), then we would have a completely different and more open relationship to relationships
Very true Rachel. Schools can be a very challenging time for children who are learning about themselves and trying to fit in to certain roles and genders. There can be teasing and bullying which also adds to the difficulty. If we had education about true relationships in the formative years, it would make a huge difference to their lives I’m sure.
Rachel it would be absolutely gorgeous if this would be taught at school or at the Kindergarten. I am sad that I did not learn it earlier – I am glad that I learned it now but I can imagine how life would be different and I can also imagine how it would be if everyone is living like this – the world would be different.
I feel the same way JY, paying more attention to all of my relationships and others sharing their experiences has definitely helped me to look at how I am and what I and others bring to a relationship.
It was very inspiring to read how you sat down with your colleague at work and explained how his behaviour was becoming abusive – how many times in our lives do we have situations like this but never speak up.
Hi Julie, Yes ‘ how many times in our lives do we have situations like this but never speak up.’ and how that hurts! When we feel the impact on our body from the holding it in – tension and sadness, whilst speaking up and being honest is like an opening of your entire body because there is no holding anything other than love.
Absolutely JY, and the more we speak up with love, the easier it becomes.
Absolutely Lorraine, it’s like exercising a weak muscle so that it becomes stronger…it takes consistency and commitment.
Thank you for sharing JY, as you say ‘true communication’ is a key and essential part of every relationship. Without it there is no love. I have found that most of my life when I have held back saying what I have felt it is because I have not wanted to be rejected or not wanted to hurt the person, but this has never helped and we have both suffered as a result. Whenever I simply speak the truth no matter what, the quality of all my relationships with others improves. Sure some may and have fallen away but other ones, the more loving ones, flourish and develop further. Deep down we all know and want truth and can feel when someone is saying something simply to please us. It is far better to be open and honest with others, and what can then unfold is beyond what I thought possible before.
Amazing how much holding back from expressing can affect EVERYONE and EVERYTHING around us… Not being all of us in one relationship can affect all the other relationships we have – the way we are with our family or partners can change the way we are at work or with our friends. Everything affects everything.
This feels very true to me JY, ‘knowing any issues or behaviours in a relationship need to be addressed and openly talked about as they affect everybody.’ I have been starting to do this in my own family as I have noticed that if I do not and things are left unresolved then I build up resentment. And so now talking about how I feel is the only way, I am also learning to claim what I feel and not be apologetic about it as I have been previously, and to talk in my full voice rather than a small unsure voice.
‘ And so now talking about how I feel is the only way’ absolutely Rebecca, the resentment, or other emotion we build up in our body, from not speaking openly is so damaging to us but also to everyone around us since it festers like a hidden wound leaking emotion unseen (but most definitely felt) into everything we do.
You mention Rebecca how you talk in your full voice rather than a small unsure voice. This is very interesting as I have observed with a friend how much their voice has deepened and changed since they have claimed themselves fully. Their voice now is full of authority but it is also melodious and I could listen to them talk all day as there is such a richness which gives me the feeling that everything is going to be okay no matter what happens. When we can allow ourselves to be all that we are, it allows others to feel that they can let go too and be all that they are.
A great testament to the irrevocable truth of open, truthful and honest communication necessary for relationships to be mutually loving and respectful.
JY I loved how you turned around your relationship with your colleague, a lesson for us all on how abusive relationships can be transformed with truth, love and tenderness. It also shows that not responding to innuendos, slurs and jokes casually directed at us, gives the other person permission to continue. As has been said many times before ‘when we hold back from expressing truth, we hold everybody back’
It is so inspiring what you share here JY. Expressing truth in every moment and with everyone. I can feel how this is a way of living that I am developing. The more I stay true to what I want in my life, so that is love, truth and joy, and express this in every moment there will be no room for abuse, disregard and lies. Thank you.
Hi Lieke. staying true to the love that we know we will ultimately have and/or want. Gold
Every contact with another human being is a relationship – from the brief encounter at the checkout in the supermarket to our closest family and friends and partners. And what’s interesting is that the same level of honesty, openness and connection in communication can be applied equally in all cases, just the content and the words may differ. It is something I am still working on but already is a beautiful way to live.
Hello Andrew Mooney and I agree and would also every contact with everything be a relationship? I would say yes. I know at different points of a day there is a relationship with time, money, nature and the list goes on. It seems truly we are all in relationship all the time with everything, it is no longer a one on one thing with a human being.
Absolutely Ray, perhaps because we are all in the same ship relating is inevitable, so we may as well do it well as we all affect each other no matter how far apart we seem. Just playing with the word ‘relationship’.
I like the analogy of the ship we are all on, all sailing in the one same direction. Our choice is how easily we get there and how open and loving we are with our fellow shipmates on the way.
Hi Andrew and Ray I feel the greatest relationship we can have is with God, if we can reconnect back to his holing love of us all then everything can flow from there.
A great sharing JY of what the power of truth can do when, maybe for the first time in a long time, this is being presented to a person. It can be the Achilles heel that brings down their walls.
A great analogy Steve – so true
Gorgeous Steve and that is exactly what happened in this situation, his walls came tumbling down what an amazing experience for us both to feel. I didn’t think of it like that at the time.
This article clearly demonstrates the importance of communication in all relationships. If something doesn’t feel right then the sooner we voice this and explain how it feels the sooner the relationship can develop a true foundation and it gives the opportunity for the other person to also express when something does, or does not, feel true for them.
That’s very true Mary if we are willing to speak up it actually says to others its ok to express what they feel to.
What a beautiful blog JY. I’m touched by your honest and humble way of writing. Throughout the whole blog I felt like reading, reading, reading. When reading “He welled up with tears; he felt the truth of what I was expressing in that moment.” I too welled up in tears. We use this kind of subtle bullying, manipulating way too much in our world. Your blog can be an inspiration for all. There’s so much to learn from it. It starts with admitting that it hurts. In discussing it with the other, you’re at least honest to your self, that already is worth everything. Honouring yourself. From the sentence “For him to be willing to accept the power of the spoken word and how it can affect others, whether that be to empower or not, was a step forward in our relationship and one I could not have taken alone. He took a huge step towards me and all others in his willingness to understand.” I’m understanding – for the first time – that it takes 2 to make the shift. I can feel the load of responsibility that I’ve taken on all my life by wanting to ‘control the outcome’ when expressing. Now I see and feel that this is and can’t be my responsibility. This is a huge revelation and healing for me. There’s a sense of the deep sadness underneath. All the unexpressed moments, covered up with niceness. Thank you JY for your inspirational blog.
Hi Floris, thank you for the heartfelt expression you have written here, it is a true joy for us all because every realisation one makes is there for the all.
JY what a gorgeous statement. I feel humbled and at ease just reading it.
So well put and exactly to the point: “… every realisation one makes is there for the all.” Thank you JY,.
Floris this line of yours is GOLD and I feel sums up a lot of what happens in communication to the detriment of building true relationships…
“All the unexpressed moments, covered up with niceness.”
I would rather hear the truth than niceness…and even if the truth is not expressed we can actually feel the truth in our body if we don’t override and dismiss what we innately know and feel.
Me too, I would rather hear the truth than niceness and small talk. I never liked it and I was not good in it.
Absolutely Marika. From childhood i felt starved of Truth – all that i held to be True and i knew to be so was overridden, denied or dismissed by others and later by myself. It was a climate of pleasing another, remaining silent and being seen but not heard or manipulating expression. I never stopped feeling or knowing the Truth and knew when someone was being True or not and equally knew myself to be living a lie until i returned to know myself (Thank God i chose Universal Medicine ) and returned to Truth.
Marika once we can discern the poison of ‘niceness’ in our bodies we can never be fooled by this energy again. This is one of the many tools that have been given to humanity from the teachings of Serge Benhayon the ability to discern the energy of ‘niceness’ and how foul the effects of it have on our bodies.
I agree. Just in JY honouring themself that is worth everything; and speaking with the other person in a loving way so they could see their behaviour was in fact gold. This reminds me that so many times I have been scared to speak up worrying about the effect it will have on a relationship with the other person, but as shown here it is far better to speak up than suffer in silence.
In my childhood, my parents did not communicate with each other, they did not share and they did not discuss, they screamed at each other, and as such this way of communicating became my ‘norm’ too. As an adult this way of communicating has brought so much stress and anxiousness to my body that I was not aware of until I attended courses by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Having worked a lot on my own issues and hurts from childhood, I find myself bringing more truth to my relationships but what I have found a little difficult is to bring the love as well – this is something I am working on, and more and more I am aware that all I truly want is connection and harmony with everyone….which all stems from having a deeper connection with myself.
I love what you share Jacqueline, especially the line “this is something I am working on, and more and more I am aware that all I truly want is connection and harmony with everyone….which all stems from having a deeper connection with myself”, this is something I am working on too.I spent a great deal of my childhood living in a household full of angst and arguments. I never understood what they were all about but consequently in my adult life I avoided heated discussions and arguments and never spoke up for myself in relationships. I still find this hard sometimes but as you say, it comes down to how much I have that loving connection to myself and honouring that.
What a great way to put it Jacqueline – it can become easy to speak our truth and say how we feel but when the love is missing – as in the love of ourselves in that moment and the love of another – what we have to say can end up falling on deaf ears. We know when we are speaking from love by the way we are left feeling. When I speak lovingly but firmly, my throat feels very open.
That’s a great example Shevon of the effect on the body when speaking truth ‘When I speak lovingly but firmly, my throat feels very open.’
Jacqueline what you share brings back memories of my childhood. In our family nothing was discussed or openly expressed, there was some shouting but more a holding back, a stiff upper lip. A favourite and repeated phrase was ‘children should be seen and not heard’. For years I held everything I felt inside, feeling it was wrong to speak truthfully. Thanks to Universal Medicine, I’ve released years of self negation, found my voice and am learning to express myself honestly in all relationships. Free at last to be my true self.
I can relate to what you’ve shared here Jacqueline in the way I saw my parents communicate with each other and with us as kids was how I communicated in my relationships, only to find that it wasn’t loving and was actually very manipulative and hurtful. Thankfully, I’m gradually undoing all that and am a work in progress in terms of communicating lovingly and openly with people.
Yes indeed, we are work in process and forever learning undoing this unloving patters and behaviors. With the time I noticed that I am more relaxed and less reactive when something is not communicated. The tension is something what I don’t like anymore to hold in my body from not expressing what I feel that needs to be said – the truth wants to be heard.
Absolutely Monika – that held tension in the body can become quite painful and a sure indicator that we’ve held back from fully expressing what needs to be shared. I am learning to not give myself such a hard time – it is a fine line between saying too much and not enough to bring clarity to all concerned. No matter who we are communicating too – both can equally feel that end result.
Hi Marion, I get that fine line you talk about here, the body tells us all the time which side of that line we are stepping on and it really just is a case of listening and then not overriding the feeling!
Your statement that “every single person we interact with we are in relationship with” is very powerful JY, it impresses me with the responsibility to make every relationship meaningful and loving and truthful. Your speaking up to your colleague is inspiring, truth is a winner.
Hi Bernadette, yes truth is a winner and within it there are no losers.
Thanks for sharing this JY. The line: ‘When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with. ‘ is super important. When we think of relationships and how we are in them we mostly only look at our intimate relationships but in fact we are in relationship with everyone. To me this offers another level of responsibility. We cannot be one way with some and another way with others. The only true way is to bring the same truth and integrity to all relationships.
So true Penny. This seems so challenging for me. To trust people, all people and not just the ones I’ve measured as being safe, is a big thing.
Hi Nikki, Interesting that we have this difference between trusting and speaking out to all and not ‘just the ones I’ve measured as being safe’ Its a great point to consider.
Yes so true Penny what you say about relationships and responsibility, because of love being equal – and so is not able to be split up to serve one more or less than another. The exact same as ‘true relationship’. I’ve found that by developing equalness through working on getting rid of self-judgement, perfectionism and comparison, and instead being more easy with myself or less harsh, I’ve enjoyed seeing people much more on an equal footing. That we are the same. No one is more important or holds more value than the other. Expressing myself in this has deepened the relationship with myself, and so too with another.
Absolutely Penny, ‘We cannot be one way with some and another way with others. The only true way is to bring the same truth and integrity to all relationships.’ An area that needs more love and acceptance being put into it.
And that can be challenging Penny, to be open and honest with everyone, not just our family and friends, but our work colleagues and others we come into contact with. It’s a new level of responsibility.
This line also stuck with me Penny, because of the way that it makes me reflect on how I am in relationships and I completely notice that when I change with one person, whether that be being more open and honest or being more reserved and protected so too do the rest of my relationships change with other people in this way.
You are making a great point here Penny. What this basically means is if I want to deepen the relationship with my partner I have to deepen my relationship with everyone else equally. If I try to leave one person out of the equation, because ” I don’t get along with them” then I am stuck on that level of relationship until I get over my differences with that person and am ready to move on. All along I might be focussing on the relationship with my partner wondering why it is not happening, totally unaware of the fact that I need to solve my relationship issue with another person.
Hmh, thanks for sharing the true importance of communication within relationships JY. It was really great to hear about your example and how you spoke to your colleague about how you were feeling- great role model material. It’s nice to know that it’s okay to communicate my feelings that way.
This is an amazing concept and theory you bring into light ~ that of expressing how we truly feel about things and how this opens up and develops more true relationships with one another. What an incredible way of being with everyone. It takes some strength to lovingly address different issues as most take it so personally, but if and when it is done with absolute love and the willingness to open up and learn, true magic happens.
‘True magic happens.’ Yes it really does – The magic begins as soon as we connect to ourselves and each other with love!
Beautifully put Natasha and JY – when we don’t take things personally, and instead bring understanding to situations of disharmony or tension we can actually grow heaps from it, and support the other person to do the same. This, as you say, is true magic.
So true, we can allow this magic to happen if we live this simplicity and not shying away to show us in fragility and who we really are. And it really does offer others to join in.
It is true Natasha that when truth is communicated with absolute love, true magic happens. It is also my experience that when we can express truth, however lovingly to another, if a person is not be ready to receive it because of deep hurt or a lack of self worth, truth will feel like a personal attack, be rejected and cause rage. When this happens, it helps to accept where the person is with themselves and continue (if they allow you) to relate with love until they are able to see and feel truth for themselves.
I love how you expressed this Natasha, it rings very true and I can also say from experience that when I am truly connected to myself, and hold myself in the love that I am as well as the other person, to express what needs to be expressed becomes easier and is often received with more willingness to explore further.
Natasha, that is spot on what you say about True Magic that happens when we open up and express how we truly feel with one another. The relationships become real and there is no second guessing with anyone you know that what ever needs to be talked about, will. This level of respect and responsibility is where relationships are at their most loving and caring.
As you say ‘What an incredible way of being with everyone’ when we can express what we are truly feeling and not feel that we need to hide behind a pretence of politeness and being ‘nice’. Truth is so simple when we are taking responsibility for how we are expressing ourselves fully and feeling our innate and tender beauty.
Thank you JY, yes I can certainly understand how relationships when I was a child, and then when I was a parent, can impact upon all my relationships. I realize that ‘not being heard’ was one of those things as a child that has impacted upon my expression and I then resorted to more unreal or outrageous statements to overcompensate or by not communicating at all on the other end of the scale. Obviously the balance lies in being honest and communicating whenever I truly feel instead of burying my feelings.
Hi Susan, I remember well from my childhood the ‘children are seen and not heard’ very Victorian upbringing which was passed on by my father to me. It was the childhood experience he had received and was therefore completely normal for him to then behave the same as a parent, he knew no other way. Universal Medicine has presented a true way of being with ourselves and others and its a gift to have been offered this open loving way of communicating and living.
Thank you JY, how loving for both of you that you spoke up and said no to something that did not belong in your relationship. Growing up, I saw that relationships were more with your closest friends, family and partners but anyone else was not a relationship. I can feel now how closed down I was to building relationships with others. Now every person I meet I’m having a relationship with, the lady at the post office, the security man at my work or someone I’ve known for years, deepening the connection each time. What has stood out is how easy and so natural it is to speak about anything and share personally because we all know deep down what is love and what is not love.
Beautiful sharing. I also experience that I have a relationship with everybody and it is absolutely awesome. I love sharing intimately with people I meet for the first time. For me sharing myself with others and talk about life and how I feel is the thing I always look forward to when I wake up and start my day.
Totally agree with you Aimee, that when we see and regard everyone we come into contact with as being those we are in relationship with, it just opens up the world and makes it more enriching. I love speaking and making connections with people whoever they are, because there’s always something to learn or affirm from the exchange. I love realising that similarities between people, that underneath everything, we are the same.
What you say JY is true, we are not taught true communication in our schools and most often not in our families and so we can grow up thinking dynamics are ‘normal’ even though I feel as very small children we knew they were not. How lovely it is now to be able to develop true and loving relationships, relationships where we truly meet each other and not a set of behaviours. Such a great example of your communication with your work colleague where your honesty was met by his tenderness. Beautiful.
Hi Josephne, I agree, as small children we absolutely would have felt the ‘not right’ or ‘not true’ communication and I wonder at what point it is that we choose to conform to the ‘not true’ way of communicating.
It is so easy to glide over the little things in relationships, to keep the peace and not “rock the boat” but is it really easy in the long run? Thank you for your sharing JY. The honouring of yourself I felt when you spoke to your colleague about his jokes was really beautiful. It would be easy to let those slide, to feel that these weren’t ok, but to just withdraw from him and not talk to him about it. A great learning for both of you.
Hi Libby, What you say here is very true especially as my colleague was on a rotational type of post not permanent so I could have easily buried my head in the sand and ‘put up’ with it for the period but in truth I could not ,it would have been very unloving to all to do so. In the past I absolutely would have put up with it and said naught. Thankfully Universal Medicine have shown me a way to express my feelings without the need for emotion or reaction. Developing that way of being is up to me and an ongoing unfolding.
JY thanks for sharing your insightful experiences with relationships. I have come to realize that there is nothing at all that effects us more than relationships. I include in that our relationship with ourselves. It is becoming more and more apparent to me that it is our relationship with ourselves that governs everything that we will receive. For nearly 50 years I have been rummaging around outside of me, it is only now that I am discovering that everything is generated from my relationship with myself.
Beautifully said Alexis and what an utterly gorgeous discovery to make that you are the power in your own life and therefore all our experiences come from what we choose. Incredible.
Jy…I love how you were honest with your new work colleague. This is true love for yourself and him, for how else do we grow. In that moment you both stepped up to a new platform of a true friendship and what I would call a true relationship. And in that moment you said no to abuse…what a turnaround! A celebration indeed…
Hi Marika,
Yes it was in fact ‘a turnaround’ for me, it has been a long time since I accepted what I would call noticeable abuse but the oh so subtle abuse seemed easier to ignore and yet equally damaging. A celebration to finally say no to it all.
Thank you JY, there is so much grace in your writing. I love what you shared “…When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with”. This is very true, and the quality of these relationships most definitely starts with the quality of relationship we have with ourselves.
I can relate to this blog JY and the manipulation that occurs in relationships. I had previously (with both arrogance and ignorance) considered that it was ‘others’ that were manipulating and abusive in my relationships, and it was not until being introduced to Universal Medicine that I became aware of, and began to take responsibility for, my own manipulative behaviors which were also contributing to my relationships being the way they were/are. The key for me in beginning to work on the quality of my relationships has been to firstly develop a loving relationship with myself, from which, I can then build loving and true relationships with others.
Oh yes, Angela, I was good at blaming someone else for being manipulating and abusive in my relationships. I have at last come to realise just how much responsibility I had myself for the manipulating etc. in my relationships. I too, was quite culpable.
Wow really love this post JY, thank you for writing with such honesty too. I found myself reflecting on childhood communication style and your words here so affirming of what I saw and felt, and now into realisation: “True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us”.
We express and communicate how we have been communicated and expressed to. Makes sense. When we realise this fact, we get to see how all our other relationships have stemmed/do stem off this ‘norm’ or pattern. Learning to express how we truly feel and communicating this to others I see as being is everything, and the key to unlocking the tension so often experienced not just personally in relationships, but also professionally/in the workplace too.
So true Zofia. What you say has made me realise that I need to give myself a bit of a break; expressing truthfully and with love is still fairly new for me, so I may make some mistakes along the way. Having a go, with true intention, and possibly making some mistakes as I learn will serve me and others way better than me holding everything in and trying desperately hold it all together without expressing. We know that doesn’t work, and can lead to the manipulative behaviours that JY wrote about.
Hi Catherine, I agree as I ‘practice’ any new skill and learning to communicate truthfully is one I may make mistakes but having that true intention gives me the permission to go there and begin to express honestly.
This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing, JY. Communicating truthfully is something I am consciously working on. I am getting better, but having played being nice to fit in for so long, simply communicating the truth to address an awkward situation has often felt confronting to me. My ‘attempts’ to communicate the truth have often been either emotionally charged or half baked – either way, the others would not get what I truly want to say in full, and I would be left with even more frustration and/or complication. From your sharing I could feel your deep honouring of yourself that has allowed you to speak up without building up momentum, and to hold your colleague in love while you expressed. As you have been inspired by the others’ honesty, I am totally inspired by you. Now, it’s my turn.
You’re spot on Fumiyo – communicating truthfully is one of the most important things in relationships; it is the foundation for trust and needs to be consistent for the two people to open up to each other. Lying and manipulating in my opinion are the opposite of this, and instead of growing relationships they strip them apart.
Hi Susie, You have mentioned a new element here ‘consistency’. I agree that trust develops from being consistent whether that is with how we honour our feelings to speak up or how we openly or lovingly communicate with others.
Well said Susie, indeed as we can see most of the relationship are being broken up the longer they are continuing, or at least this has been much of my experience from a young age. It is since I have met Serge Benhayon that I have seen and learn how you can be in a relationship with people -without needs- from acceptance, understanding which is love. Since than I start to understand why I had such troubles with relationships that merely this had to do with the relationship I had with myself and the hurts I had carried. I am now open for growing relationships again – simply because the relationship with myself is blossoming more every day! Thank you for sharing JY.
Fumiyo, I have had similar experiences, what is brilliant is that i have found that the more I express the easier it gets. It would be fair to say that I have not had much practice of expressing myself growing up, choosing instead to withdraw and not say much, be nice or engage in false conversations that pulled me away from being myself. It feels great to start to leave this behind, and I have found that if I express with the intention to be honest with integrity then it is never regretted and leaves me feeling lighter and more settled.
I certainly relate to where you say “My ‘attempts’ to communicate the truth have often been either emotionally charged or half baked – either way, the others would not get what I truly want to say in full, and I would be left with even more frustration and/or complication”. That was certainly my problem for most of my life. I tended to walk on egg shells most of the time, not wanting to rock the boat at any time, so of course I became very frustrated. And your comment above describes closely what would constantly happen whenever I tried to communicate how I felt about something. At the time I knew no better, not having been brought up to be encouraged to express myself. Still learning, a work in progress, but very much improvement in my life as I become more skilled in expressing things honestly and openly with no fear of repercussions.
Fumiyo, you describe well the potential to miss the mark when we attempt to communicate from emotion or if we are half apologetic. From my own experience, being nice, is not being true and speaking from this place gives a muddled message and the opportunity for both people to evolve is lost. As you acknowledge, we can only communicate truth by first honouring ourselves, expression comes naturally from this. Try it and feel how liberating it is.
I can really relate to what you have shared here, where in the past I have been nice to be liked or held back in expressing at all feeling I would be seen as being stupied .. neither feeling great! Now I have a much deeper understanding of expression, the importance of it as well as the relationship with myself. I no longer be nice to be liked and am holding back with true expression less and less with thanks to the inspiration and support of Universal Medicine and Universal Medicine practitioners.
Thanks JY, there is plenty in this Blog to consider for me the conclusion “In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another” is super powerful, why is it that in relationships we play less and pander to others when if we are in truth it can also set free not just ourselves but also others? Great work related interaction – thanks for this piece on relationships – it has relevance for me.
Hi Andrew, I totally agree ‘why is it that in relationships we play less and pander to others when if we are in truth it can also set free not just ourselves but also others? ‘ It is absurd that we – humanity – has come to a place where truth is no longer communicated in most relationships.
What an awesome blog this is……Understanding true communication, which is so important in all our relationships. This sentence here makes it so simple to understand: “In order for a relationship to based on love it must be based on truth.” And without anyone feeling less.
‘In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another..’ This is a beautiful sharing JY about not over riding what we know to be true and it is felt in our bodies. What a gift to another to express that truth and create the possibility that they too feel the liberation it brings. Thank you
Bernadette I connected to this too ‘In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another..’ Recently, I was supported to communicate truth to someone I know and felt a tremendous release and healing. Previous to this I found it difficult, if not impossible to feel what I really felt and then express it. As you so beautifully put it ‘What a gift to another to express that truth and create the possibility that they too feel the liberation it brings’
Your sharing Kehinde shows us the deep healing that comes from sharing truth and the new foundation it gives to the relationship from that moment on.
It’s amazing and very beautiful at the same time when we simply bring honesty and a deep honouring of ourselves to every relationship. This then makes it all about developing each other in the relationship rather than meeting any needs we may have. Great article JY.
I love what you have said here Jennifer ‘ makes it all about developing each other in the relationship rather than meeting any needs we may have.’ How truly loving to have the commitment to develop with each other no matter who that ‘other’ may be.
Jy, your blog was very inspiring for me. One thing I have observed in my relationships is the need to take responsibility that “I’ve” allowed these patterns to run and ask myself why? This has been very empowering, knowing that I’m the one who can make the change. What I found inspiring was how you spoke up to your work college. You called out what was ill in the relationship and gave love the chance to grow. I often have let fear get in the way and never given love a chance.
Yes, Kim Weston, we have enormous responsibility when we realise that we are the one that can make the change. And how empowering that is to speak up with truth when that is necessary.
The point you make here Beverley brought me back to discernment because you have said ‘ And how empowering that is to speak up with truth when that is necessary.’ This said to me that it may not always be necessary to speak – we really have to discern in every moment what needs to be said if anything.
Yes I agree Kim, it is always a great question to see what is my part in it – what am I getting out of allowing another person to express towards me in an abusive way? In my case it had often been the avoidance of conflict or feeling the displeasure of another. It almost always seems to do with one or the other or most likely with both not wanting to feel a hurt and so reacting out of some form of protection. I have more often than not found that whenever I was able to see clearly what was going on and respond in a way that was neither imposing or reactive (like you did with your work colleague) that the other also responded beautifully and that we grew together in both awareness and love.
Yet at the same time I can see how we need to own how we have been on both sides of the fence – at times just as much the abuser as the abused. In truth we are all on the same continuum or spectrum, sliding up and down the scale according to whatever situation we find ourselves in in any given moment. Coming to a place where we can respond to life and our relationship interactions rather than react to them feels key.
I agree Victoria we have been on both sides of the fence, the abuser and the abused so learning true communication is a gift two fold.
So true Nicola. It is all about self-responsibility, what is my part in it and at the same time to ask the other person to take responsibility as well – what do I allow and what don’t I allow. I’m sure, just to swallow the abusive behaviour of another person must be very harmful to our body.
So true Kim , to be aware of what part we play in our relationships is what we can work on, to demand a change from another is plain abuse. To know in truth we are connected by love and are love and if I am behaving less than the love I am then I need to make it all about love.
JY this is an amazing blog. ‘When we say ‘relationship’ we usually think of our partner but I realise now every single person we interact with we are in a relationship with.’
Recently I have recognised this to be so true. I’ve noticed patterns of how I’ve related to people close to me to be the same as a pattern I’ve had with a partner. I was shocked at this but when I consider any relationships I have with people I have a version of this same pattern, the only difference being the level of intensity if you like.
i so appreciate this awareness when once I choose to be blind to it. I can’t say it’s pleasant to admit but what an opportunity to now free myself from a way of relating that is based on need and not on love and actually connecting with people.
Karin this is really interesting ‘but when I consider any relationships I have with people I have a version of this same pattern, the only difference being the level of intensity if you like. ‘ well thank you for sharing this piece of wisdom it is not something I had considered and it may be possible many of us have this, something for me to ponder on.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, JY, I see some similarities with your story, particularly having been controlled emotionally. There is a subtlety in this type of relationship that often we do not see unless we have been brought up to understand this sort of situation. Your comment “True communication within relationships is not something we are taught at school, and if our parents do not openly communicate with each other and with us as kids, then this lack of truly talking and expressing with each other is what is ‘normal’ to us”.
Certainly I was not taught this at school, and at home, my parents did not discuss things at all with we children, we were expected to do as we were told, and all discussions between my parents were done behind closed doors. It was part of the era in which I grew up. So I knew no better and let situations develop during my past long term marriage to my late husband that, with the knowledge that I now have through the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I now see that I could have changed if I had had the ability to express openly as you have shared with us regarding your work colleague. But back then I did not have the tools and understanding to have worked through the issues that were necessary.
What I find interesting Beverley is that we learn to accept behaviours that are far from loving from our early childhood; the cutting tone of voice, the little put downs, the humour that cuts more than it amuses, and sometimes physical violence. We become inured to the pain they cause us, and so we just accept it from other people.
There is a fundamental level of decency and truth that we rarely see between people, and rarely do we ask for them.
How important that we see that they are available, they can be asked for.
Agree Rachel and often those little humorous put downs are just our protection shield to not let the other come closer. Instead of supporting each other to be amazing and glorious we consistently learn to cut each others wings. In this and as beautifully expressed by JY communication and expression is everything. It has been an amazing journey of re-learning communication and expression from truth and with love in brotherhood instead of in hardness and protection to dominate and control.
Absolutely, there is another way to live and go about this. Sometimes it is important to express in full what we have felt to another and other times we can simply observe from the bigger picture; but either way expression is the key and communication within ourselves in all of the small detail to what we are feeling is absolutely needed. Otherwise we find ourselves floundering not knowing what we should say or if we are even trusting what we have felt, our communication supports our truth and develops our deepest knowingness.
You’re right Michelle it is so simple and so why is it not normal and happening in every family in the land?! Its incredible that this way of not communicating is passed on from one generation to the next.
JY you raise important points regarding the need for truth and honesty in all relationships, and the subtle manipulations that can occur. I love how you managed to changed your pattern and bring truth to the friendship with your work colleague. Thank you for your candour, there is much to ponder from what you have said.
I agree, as it shows that one does not need to give up when such things happen. JY’s approach is a beautiful and inspiring proof for that. Game changing..
Dear JY,
I so love how you discussed with your work colleague what you were feeling. I can feel the deep healing for both of you in your choice to speak up. There is great learning here for me, and I thank you deeply for sharing.
A great reminder for me too Leigh that it’s so important to express how we are feeling. I’ve found for me that sometimes it doesn’t always come out the way I’d like it to, and so it takes honesty and practise and a willingness to keep expressing, knowing that ‘not’ expressing can often be more harming than expressing something we truly feel.
Much learning for me too in what has been expressed. Speaking up with truth and love is so very important and also helps clear misunderstandings.
Yes I agree Beverley: “Speaking up with truth and love is so very important and also helps clear misunderstandings.” and lightens the load; if we don’t speak up we are ones that carry the imposition that we have allowed to be placed on us.
I echo that. I can’t help but feel if JY’s workplace example was to be embraced, we’d go a long way towards dismantling workplace bullying. JY’s story shows there is responsibility on both sides of the bullying fence – a responsibility on behalf of the ‘victim’ to speak up, and a responsibility on behalf of the person doing the bullying to understand their part in what has taken place.
Hi Victoria, What you say here is very true both parties have a responsibility to their part in the relationship which is based on bullying – it is here we have the crazy lack of understanding where we accept this type of relationship as normal and part of life. So saying No with Love breaks the cycle and gives everyone the opportunity to change their behaviours with understanding of the effects on others.
I absolutely loved the example of your interaction with your work colleague. This line for me says it all: “For him to be willing to accept the power of the spoken word and how it can affect others, whether that be to empower or not, was a step forward in our relationship and one I could not have taken alone.” Our words can be wielded as weapons or, when spoken from love, can be pure medicine as his response so gorgeously showed. This is an example of true team work and it just goes to show that a lot of the harm we are responsible for is not harm that we truly wish to cause.
I agree Liane, the colleague always knew what was happening but to say so in front of JY is quite an achievement.
So true Christoph.
A great achievement, and a great example of how when we speak up – even if it mat be uncomfortable at first – it allows all involved to come to greater truth and depth of themselves.
What I also loved about this sharing of JY is how the colleague responded to the truth being presented. We crave true connections with others and what an example of beholding another enough to be honest and to receive them in the knowing that we are all the same, underneath our ‘fortifications’ Liane.
Yes Bernadette so true. The colleague felt held, loved and like they mattered. Deep down we all want this but how often do we hold back?
The word you use here Bernadette ‘beholding another’ really is what it is all about because in beholding there is no force, no expectation just lovingly holding for that person to feel.
Yes, very much so Bernadette. It comes back to how we communicate and not what words come out of our mouth. The more we come from an equalness and not a righteousness the more we give the other the space to open up and see the truth too or feel what we are saying.
Yes Liane, quite often we do not realise the harm we are causing and it is often not our intent. This is where the courage to speak up and to listen can bring such awareness to our actions.
Very true Sarah. Every word we speak carries so much with it. It requires all of our presence to express lovingly with another, knowing that every word spoken can either hurt or heal. If we aren’t really present it is so easy to go into the patterns and habits of protection which only ever hurt all involved. It’s crazy how this protection is what is stopping us expressing all the love that we naturally have within us to share.
This is very true Vicky. Yet I can’t help but feel there is a phase we go through as we’re learning to express (and sometimes, this is for the very first time) in which we can be awkward, ineffectual or even ugly. I know I have been all these things! But my feeling is to persevere, keep learning to express and, to the best of our ability and over time, do so with love.
Yes Victoria and Vicky – it is like holding the statement that words can either harm or heal and committing to it but also not allowing perfection to come into that and allowing us the space to express love and truth with our intention to heal but somedays we will not get that right and it can feel awkward and ugly at times. Especially if we have not done it before.
I just love what you are saying here Vicky. I realize it is very important to take responsibility for every word we speak and be aware that our words carry far. ‘If we aren’t really present it is so easy to go into the patterns and habits of protection which only ever hurt all involved’. Unfortunately I have done that countless of times but the moments that magic happens when I am there holding the love are growing.
Great point Liane, so very much harm is done with no awareness or intent. We have a laxness with words, an irresponsibility with which we bandy them about. How little do we observe the barbs that pass our own lips and into others? Imagine if we could see our words as they left us? Would we make grey lines that thrust and joust into the sensitivities of others? Or would we see then as spheres that hold and encompass and allow others just to be? Or other them and new level of understanding and awareness?
Rachel I love the idea that we could see our words as they left us. I am sure we would have a new level of understanding and awareness – no way to ignore our responsibility anymore. But I have to admit that sometimes I could “see” my words – I could see them through my own body. Words not only hurt the other but also the person who spoke them. That means that the harm words could have effect twice.
Me too Esther if I could see my words as ‘ grey lines that thrust and joust into the sensitivities of others? Or would we see then as spheres that hold and encompass and allow others just to be? ‘ it would show just how I am living and expressing but if I stop and feel I can know whether my words are grey lines or spheres because my body feels it and tells me – its up to me to listen.
Thank you JY for so beautifully expressing how truth and love are inseparable. We can’t have one without the other but often we favour one over the other and in doing so, unwittingly reduce both. “In every moment there is an opportunity to share truth with another…” and this is how we build the love for we make the choice to relinquish our fortifications, come out and be seen and learn to trust once more. That’s love.
I so agree: truth and love are inseparateble.
Yes, while saying something in reaction as e.g. in anger, it can contain truth, but it has not the same effect as said in love which means understand and hold someone equal while expressing what has to be said. Understanding oneself and the other allows a much deeper and truely true unfoldment without judgement.
For me it is the willingness to go there and be honest with myself first. This then allows me to express this to another and then I find that they open up too. So you could then say that if is true for me then it is true for everyone. even though initially it may be a little confronting.
That is a very important element. To become honest with myself first. If I do so, I can feel where I am at, i.e. in reaction or not. It requires a loving stopmoment for me to feel first where that is about before I speak words to others.
Nicely said Sonja. Learning how to express truth and be love (and yes, all at once!) is definitely a work in progress. I love being around those who have mastered both aspects – it’s a powerful combination.
Totally agree Victoria being around those who have mastered being love and truth is to be treasured and observed as absolutely how I would choose to develop myself.
Yes Liane truth and love tenderly join hands for a match made in heaven. Perfect.
Hi Kelly, ‘ truth and love tenderly join hands for a match made in heaven’ just like the picture on the blog.
Thank you JY. Communication surrounds and affects us everyday with everyone we encounter but we often underestimate its power and call for truth. Thank you for pointing out how very easily we can fall into communication that actually hurts instead of cherishes us.
Thank you for reminding us that we have a relationship with everyone who is touched by our lives, from a passing ‘hello’ to a stranger, to a close confidante or partner. All are equal.
All are equal, yes. Initially I found this a little confronting, but the more I open I am, the more I open up to others, the more love I naturally feel equally for all. The world reflects back to us the love that WE are inside, and you cannot help but want to share it because it is not just in me, it is in everyone.
So true Esther, we see physical hurts as more harmful than the spoken word and accept that punches are not OK but we so often accept the hurt from language and brush it aside as if it does not matter. This blog is a great reminder to call out when what is said does not feel right and not accept it as the norm.
I agree Fiona, we have been taught that physical pain is the one that does the most damage and that ‘words will never hurt you’ – I don’t wonder where that line came from! It is so important to be honest when what is being said is hurtful, harmful or abusive and in this honesty opens up the opportunity for all to grow and evolve, if there is a willingness to truly hear what is on offer.
I know what you mean about miscommunication Mary. I have come to see my verbal communication is not always as precise as my written communication (and sometimes that isn’t clear either) and there is a real skill in communicating exactly what you mean. Learning that detail is OK has been helpful – I’ve skimmed over detail in the past because underneath that I felt I was taking up too much airtime.
I can absolute relate to the skimming over detail. I do that a lot and have have found that I do that because I assume the other one is on my ‘wavelength’ and understands what I am talking about and where I am coming from. But this is mostly not the case and thus I have realised how very important it is to express in full what I want to say.
I can so relate Esther and have had to learn the lesson, sometimes the hard way, that not everyone can read my mind or nous out what I feel is needed next as most are seeing things from a very different angle than I am.
I’ve had conversations like that Mary, Its teaching me that listening is an important part of communicating too.
Absolutely Catherine. Truly listening and allowing ourselves to hear, see and feel everything while listening is just as important as expressing. A continued work in progress for me. The more I allow myself to be open, the more I hear and feel and then have more of an awareness of what needs to be expressed.
Real and true communication certainly calls for truth Esther. When I express truthfully, there is nothing ‘left over’, no residual feelings or judgements. What I feel is a clarity and freedom from which I can move on not be weighed by lack of expression.
I can relate to walking away feeling heavy and burdened with what I didn’t say. Often the upset and anger I may feel is not so much about what the other person did or said, but because I did not fully express how I felt in that moment. In contrast, when I have expressed all of what I felt, I have always left the situation feeling as you say ‘clarity and freedom,’ and this is not linked to how the other person/s behaved, but more about me saying my truth.
Yes, I have found that also – I am much more upset for having been tongue tied and not spoken up than I am about what the other person has apparently done or said to me; and after all that is only logical because we can’t change another but we can certainly develop and learn and from there change how we respond in these situations and give ourselves and the other a chance to step up.
Yes, not expressing in full what I wanted to say and what was there to express is the actual cause of not being able to let go of a situation.
I like what you bring to the fore here Bernadette ‘What I feel is a clarity and freedom from which I can move on not be weighed by lack of expression.being I am experiencing the weight of not expressing’. I am feeling the weight of not expressing more and more now that I am choosing to express more. I had never before felt my lack of expression to be so imprisoning but it is showing it’s true harm and I can really feel that in my body. I totally appreciate my choice to express truth now in every relationship to the best of my ability.
Totally agree Mary when you don’t express fully and clearly there is much room for Mis-interpretations and confusion. Opening up and connecting to each other rather than getting on with what needs to be done is a great starting point.
‘Opening up and connecting to each other rather than getting on with what needs to be done is a great starting point.’ I love that you have shared this Natalie because there is a tendency in education and the work place to put the focus on getting the job done and it can immediately disconnect us from ourselves and others. We begin to value what we are doing over how we are and we lose that openness that allows for such warmheartedness between colleagues.
Yes Mary, things left unsaid are also open to misinterpretation and add more complication than is necessary. People are left to fill in the gaps. We think we are avoiding hurt and pain when we withhold what we are truly feeling, but my experience is that the opposite is true.
Hi Esther, ‘communication that actually hurts instead of cherishes us’ is a point which brought me to a stop because ‘to cherish ourselves and another’ feels so tender and delicious a way to be why would we not choose it so.
Hi Esther, Yes your point actually said to me the difference is between speaking and communicating with truth because we can speak till the cows come home but how often do we truly communicate.
I agree with everything you have written we accept so much less that we know to be true due to many many things how we are bought up being one. Learning to just share what you feel is a process that begins with feeling and being willing to share what it is you feel and that it is ok to feel what you feel! The more I learn to express with everyone I am in relationship with the easier life is, dynamics are released and a freedom comes with this.
I so agree with you vanessamcchardy, expressing truth in a relationship is definitely the way to building a true loving foundation in a relationship. My relationships have not always been this way but now I am opening myself up to others and expressing more I find people opening up to me too and this just keeps things open and simple and avoids any unnecessary under-currents which can go on and on for years and never get resolved. It really is true, honesty is the best policy, and this includes being honest with ourselves too.
I like what you say here Sandra Henden as being honest with ourselves first is a key component that needs to be developed first before being able to say something honestly to another. I find that I have much more confidence then and less defence. As vanessamchardy says, ‘ … it is ok to feel what you feel!’
Very true Shevon and to quote vanessamchardy ‘it’s ok to feel what you feel’ – this line is actually something quite huge and not only for us to appreciate this truth, but equally it’s made me stop to deeper consider the actual amount that we, including myself, hold back from feeling all there is to feel. Imagine when we do, just how freeing our expression would be.
Yes Zofia, now that you say this, I can see that I some times judge how I feel, or say to myself that what I feel isn’t justified. Gosh, it seems very manipulative, to pre judge what is and what is not OK for me to feel.
That we doubt or do not express what we feel means that we are not honouring our unique expression, not fully blooming into who we are and as a result our relationships cannot be fully expressive and reach their full potential. To feel this is both revealing and tragic. Holding back is so crippling for me and therefore all of humanity. I will be more aware of ‘feeling what I feel’ and being honest in my expression.
Great point shared Zofia. By holding back what we feel to share we are not allowing ourselves or the other person feel the depth at which the relationship can go to.
Yes Sandra, it’s amazing how easily we so often avoid the undercurrents rather than being honest. It feels as though we go to extraordinary lengths to avoid being honest with ourselves and subsequently make our lives complicated and oh, so uncomfortable as we twist and turn and squirm to avoid what is there for us so plainly to see. Honesty on the other hand offers us a life that is uncomplicated by all these diversions and we can get on with living life with purpose, and a love and joy for living life harmoniously.
This is a very inspiring story. I know I often avoid the undercurrents in some relationships rather than being honest. Your honesty was clearly presented with love JY allowing you both healing and growth.
Very true Sandra, what I have learnt for myself is to be me all the way and not play a role of somebody that I am not!
I agree Alexandre playing a role of something we are not simply doesn’t work because the truth will out in the end.
I find what you share so powerful Sandra, as to get honest in our relationships with others we need to have built an honest relationship with our self first. I can see how blame and complication come up when we choose to not take responsibility for how we are within our self.
Yes the key words here are building a ‘key relationship’ with ourselves and then offering that same quality to another. How simple yet so respectful of both parties.
Beautifully expressed Vanessa and JY. And the more we express what we feel, the more that opens the door for others to feel and express their truth.
This is so true jane176, I have recently had some amazing conversations with a friend where we both felt safe enough to open our hearts and tell the truth and be honest with each other. Although at first we were a bit cautious, it didn’t take long to truly share our truth with each other. It felt awesome, so yes sharing, opening up, being honest is definitely the way to go and the more you share the deeper you can go and reveal more of yourself and this builds trust in a relationship.
This has also been my experience Sandra. It feels awkward at first since its not something we are accustomed to, but once you get past that initial uncomfortable feeling, it can be a gateway to a deeper understanding of each other. It also becomes easier the more you practice sharing how you truly feel.
Yes Sandra couldn’t agree more. Honest and open paths of communication, opens up a highway of trust and builds strong, loving relationships.
Brilliantly said Kelly. Solid consistency is so powerful in all relationships.
Yes very true Vanessa. I too am learning a new way in relationship, to feel and share my feelings without judgement, accusation, blame or shame. It is a work in progress with some breakthroughs and some setbacks through the day, but always learning more and more about myself and about the people I love, live, interact and work with everyday. Learning to honour what is felt within myself and in others is supporting me to build trust and respect for everyone, self included. When we speak from our true feelings we bring the realm of intuitive communication into play, one that is not always rational and delivers awarenesses and answers that cannot be always be explained at the time, but offer great wisdoms if we are prepared to honour what is felt.
True relationship is there when we don’t hold anything back, communicate and express all and let the other in in full.
Anyway we cannot really hide what we feel. We may think so, but our whole body is communicating. And holding something back by not speaking it out, just confuses the other person and your own body, it leaves both in an awkward state of being. Whereas speaking things out, even the seemingly not relevant ones opens up to a true basis with each other and builds trust.
Gorgeous Joshua “True relationship is there when we don’t hold anything back.” If its there to be shared its definitely better out than in for all parties in our relationships to grow and prosper with love.
Wisely said Josh – to let go of need, of investment, or comparison in relationships is to have absolute equality and truth. To be able to share how we feel and where we are at and also pull the other person up without holding back, is a deep heeling. But it does start with how honest we are willing to be with ourselves.
Wow Joshua, simple, true and powerful what you share here, ‘True relationship is there when we don’t hold anything back, communicate and express all and let the other in in full’. I love this.
I like that suggestion Ariana, even though I do not have a fireplace there is certainly a good spot in our home to share this truth!
I agree Joshua, in a nutshell! Letting another in in full means we have no protection, no old hurts, just love as the constant flow, without perfection, but allowing ourselves to be the amazingness that we are.
Yes I agree Ariana this is such a powerful statement!
Love that Ariana ‘True relationship is there when we don’t hold anything back’ Well worth remembering.
I love what you have shared here Rowena. ‘When we speak from our true feelings we bring the realm of intuitive communication into play,’ this form of connecting for me is very spacious and flows often into an area that both myself and the other person has not explored. We can learn so much about each other and open our hearts to a deeper connection.
How very true and how very beautiful, Rowena. As we embrace our intuitive awareness we expand our whole realm of understanding life, and the need we have to know from our intelligence drops away as we embrace the greater halls of wisdom that are surrounding us and supporting us as we go through life.
Rowena, I felt to re-read your comment and one sentence confirmed for me exactly that which took place in a communication not long ago whereby I was asked a question by someone in a quandary as to how best address a situation which needed a loving resolution. This challenge was in relation to difficulties within a dynamic of several people and I found that what evolved from my being asked for counsel resulted in just that which you speak of here, and your words “When we speak from our true feelings we bring the realm of intuitive communication into play, one that is not always rational and delivers awarenesses and answes that cannot be always be explained at th time, but offer great wisdoms if we are prepared to honour what is felt.” just expressed explained exactly that which took place. I am finding this wealth of wisdom within each one of us to be effluvius but tangible while offering a truly loving understanding to any of our challenges or questions.
I agree Vanessa – relationships really do start with yourself – being comfortable with feeling what you feel and not pushing it to the side, and then learning to communicate that, is often all that is needed to build a very strong relationship.
As I am learning, expression really is the key. Holding this back simply hurts way too much and ends up holding others back too. It is actually our responsibility to express and of course, be responsible for the quality of that expression.
So beautifully expressed Sara. So simple but spot on. In the past I know I spoke the truth in relationships but felt I was never heard. I now know this was because of the way I was expressing through frustration and anger and if I had expressed with love the outcome would have been different.
I can relate to your comment here, Anne, I also spoke the truth in my relationships, but felt I was never listened to. Looking back, I now realise that when I spoke this truth, I was actually speaking in reaction and blaming, and also being full of frustration and anger. It was certainly not a way to express and then expect to be truly listened to. I was actually inviting reaction and antagonism. If I had expressed what I needed to lovingly, then I realise now that maybe there could have been entirely different outcomes. But I don’t beat myself up about this now, I can see that at the time I did not know any different way to be expressing.
So true Sara. When we hold back this expression we don’t allow the opportunities for those in the relationships to grow. It is so worth bringing up all the discomfort in order to move closer in our potential to understand and love that person even more.
Love this nb, seeing our relationships in this way takes the you out of it and makes it truly about everyone. For when there is discomfort and unresolved issues it effects the all, and that discomfort is there to show us that there is something to heal in this relationship.
I agree with all you’ve said Vanessa. It’s amazing the level of intimacy in relationships I’ve accepted when I know what is possible is so much more.
How come? Because I’ve always looked outside of myself to bring me love and never considered actually the relationship I have with myself I’ve sold myself way short, stuck in thinking I couldn’t possibly be everything I ever wanted in another. Time to really build a relationship with me and bring me to every relationship I have with others.
This is wonderful Karin. Yes I have also looked outside of myself in the past to bring the love rather than feeling the power I have to first build it from within and than really express with others. We have a responsibility don’t we?
Great of yours Vanessa: “being willing to share what it is you feel and that it is ok to feel what you feel!” – so often we feel that it’s wrong or not ok to feel what we feel, and in this only create the dynamics you speak of. Expressing what we feel to release these ill dynamics is indeed freeing just as the wind blows through its clarity.
It really is as simple as expressing how you feel and not being afraid of another’s reaction – this really is freeing because more often than not the other person is feeling the tension of us holding back. The whole tension bubble gets released when we express.
That’s true Gemma. Better for tension to be felt due to truth being expressed and perhaps it feeling confronting, than the tension of holding something back. ‘Tension bubble’ is a perfect description. I often hold back but there is such a freedom when I surrender and just express what is needed. I get to feel my natural joy and lightness.
I agree Annie, ‘Tension Bubble’ is a great way to describe what it feels like when you hold back from expressing the truth. Its just like a bubble and releases so easily if we share truth with love.
This is so true Gemma, that ‘tension bubble’ effects not only you and the other person, but everyone around the relationship. So when we express without expectation or fear of reaction, we allow that tension to be released and our truth and feelings to be heard. When we hold back we are holding back not only ourselves, but all others from truly having relationships that are honest and loving.
“That it is OK to feel what you feel” Amen to that. What I have discovered is just how quick I have become at rationalising away what I feel. Some stuff happened yesterday that highlighted the way I do this – and I know that I am not alone. I got the cold shoulder from someone who is a dear friend. Gosh I felt hurt, then on a sort of “automatic pilot” for feelings I started to switch off the sensors that were flashing…and then the “what have I done wrong???” questions started to creep in.
For the first time I stopped myself. Stopped switching off the sensors and stopped the self doubting questions. I had a feeling. Yes, I recognised it and I felt it. I wondered if what I felt was right? And I stopped that line of thinking in its tracks too. I felt, and that was enough for me. In that moment I gained an insight into the snub and what was going on behind it.
Could it be that simple, really? Judy’s blog shows that it is, and so many of our experiences that it certainly is.
I’ve experienced feeling upset by what someone has said or done, and like Rachel, began to look at my reaction and consider ‘ would this have upset me any other time?’ Often the answer is no, and I am then able to share the reason for my initial reaction to clear the air. When the answer is yes this enables me to say how I feel without any emotional attachment.
Hi Catherine, Asking yourself a question and checking in to feel the response from your body is a great way to feel the truth and respond to that truth and not the situation.
Thank you Rachel for highlighting this. It is that simple but it takes a bit of practice to come out of this autopilot of overriding our feelings and with that letting self doubt have its play with us. A bit of practice and willingness to observe oneself, and the more I do that I have found the easier it is to catch me going against what feels true to me.
Yes I agree Esther overriding our feelings can be such an ingrained behaviour that actually stopping takes quite some practice but oh so worth it.
I love what you have expressed here Rachael, I have been working on the very same thing. I have noticed how stuck in right and wrong, good and bad, I am and how that once that is let go of it is easier to see the ‘what is’ as an observer and allow another their feelings without bringing ‘me’ into the equation.
I can very much relate to what you are sharing here Kathleen about getting stuck in right and wrong. It just leads to justification and it is a constant fight. It is so liberating to be able to let that go and simply feel “what is”.
Tossing the self doubting aside and recognising and trusting that feeling is key isn’t it Rachel?
Then we gain the INsight and the whole moment is understood.
‘Then we gain the INsight and the whole moment is understood’ This sentence really brought me to my connection with me, the knowing I can choose and feel to understand that ‘whole moment’ because this is what it becomes when I am connected.
Kathryn you have summed this up beautifully. Self-doubt is a sure way to cloud the clarity and wisdom that we have felt.
I agree Rachel it is so important ‘that it’s ok to feel what you feel’ – acceptance is key, it’s crippling when we level so much judgement and criticism at ourselves, and go into reaction or mental second-guessing about something that happens, but if we allow acceptance and be open to just feeling, we allow the space for understanding what is playing out, and then deeper insight into ourselves and others is possible. If we go into reaction, the space and the potential for understanding is lost.
I agree Anne ‘ If we go into reaction, the space and the potential for understanding is lost’ and this is key as when we feel the feeling we can expand the moment and not continue the whole cycle of reaction which gets us nowhere. The ‘space’ in the moment is offering us an unparalleled opportunity to begin changing the world as we take our first step into the unknown – or on a deeper level return to whom we know we innately are – the Sons of God.
Rationalising away what I feel – gosh I do that quite a bit. Thanks for sharing that as I am re-discovering a commitment to feel what is coming up and not rationalise or eat it away!
I agree Vanessa…it all comes down to self worth or lack thereof….how worthy we feel what we have to offer is to others, rather than simply expressing what we are feeling with no expectations or need for recognition – it is simply an offering.
‘Expressing what we are feeling with no expectations or need for recognition’ I have realised when I am trying to express what I am feeling about something to another – if it is coming from any reaction or hurt then the other person feels this and will usually react also – then this just entrenches a dynamic more deeply. I also know that if there is the slightest wish for the other to ‘get it’ then it’s set up for instant failure – and it is a way of trying to control a situation which is again just reinforcing a dynamic at play. I have found great freedom in relinquishing the need for another to understand or change, simply expressing what is felt and allowing another the space to either accept or reject what is offered. Whatever they choose no longer affects me.
Beautifully said Annie, Allowing another the space to accept or not, the truth you are sharing, is the key to it not affecting us. When we want another to get it or want to control then we leave ourselves wide open to the reaction which undoubtedly will come. Great points to read.
Paula this is so true this lack of self worth that we let control us totally cripples our relationship with ourself and naturally with others. The letting go of expectations and recognition is the only way we can have honest open and free relationships allowing the other person to just be.
The word freedom resonates to me Vannessa, when we express what we feel to one another on an very day basis it is no longer a big deal and life and becomes easier. Truth indeed gives us freedom.
Beautiful Vanessa, I am learning that what I thought were relationships are really just arrangements that we have based on holding a status quo, keeping things confortable, but not truly not supporting each other to grow and evolve. What you have presented is simple, but so powerful, Imagine how much we could learn if we are open and willing to relate with ourselves and others in this way.
That’s beautiful Vanessa, how simple it is that the more we express with those in our lives the easier life is. I agree because then we are more free and not holding onto, carrying around or navigating relationships based on all the other ‘stuff’. In simplicity love is enjoyed.
Well said Vanessa. Not expressing keeps the tension there and as you say the more we express, the easier it is. Sometimes expressing can cause a reaction in the other but I find the important thing is is to read it for read it for what it is and still hold the other in love and care, keeping the communication open.
So true, Johanna – not expressing does keep the tension and once we are aware of this it is simple to feel this in the body. Equally so when we do express there is a wonderful feeling of expansion and it is this that allows us to hold the other in love. When we keep ourselves small by not expressing we are denying everyone the opportunity to expand in love – we are trapping the particles of energy and it is this that causes the discomfort in the body. By expressing we are allowing the particles to claim their own space causing the expansion.
I love this Vanessa, that is ok to feel what you feel. I know for myself that for a very long time, I thought it was not ok to feel what I was feeling and I just ignored it. At some point this gives me a feeling that I want to explode…..learning to express what and how I feel is very freeing indeed and brings such a deepening of my relationships.
I can really relate to what you say Vanessa – particularly ‘that it is ok to feel what you feel’. It’s no wonder that so many of us disassociate ourselves from our feelings and then when they do come back – as they always do – and often in a very twisted way, we feel guilty and uncomfortable. I know that jealousy was something I felt but it is only now that I can recognise it and I also have the tools to deal with it.
So absolutely true Vanessa. We feel so much and yet we have learned over time to not acknowledge so much that passes by. That is the most incredible moment, when you start to recognise just how much is felt. It is quite a process to open up again and to say ‘yes, it is OK to feel what I feel’. Even more powerful when there is no need to justify it.
There is so much that is said that is a subtle denigration; in our relationships, in society, in the media. Read the comments on an article in the print media and it is a free for all of abuse. And we read that and shrug and assume that is just the way it is. It would have been so easy for JY to do the same, to ignore the joke, but carry the scar…and another joke and another would follow, thickening the scar and destroying the relationship.
I can relate to this vanessamchardy that we so often accept ‘less’ because of our ideals and beliefs about how things should be or how we think we or others should behave. This accepting ‘less’ applies not only to ourselves, but also others… accepting less from others in relation to how they are with us, and accepting less from others in relation to how they are with themselves. I found for me that it was only when I starting taking responsibility for myself and my choices, that I was also able to accept more of ‘true’ self and also more of others.
This openess and willingness to communicate is key in relationships. I also love what you shared about accepting what you feel without judgement. This can be challenging at times.
What you express here, Vanessa, feels so simple. Simply say what you are feeling feels gorgeous. As I am a person who is educated to be friendly, it is a challenge sometimes to say directly, what I feel, but your comment and the blog are inspiring to do so.
So true. Sometimes I still override what I feel because I’m too fast, too racy or my mind is wandering. To bring myself back, to feel everything in my body, is a big healing for me.
Thank you, vanessamchardy – “it is ok to feel what you feel” – this is huge. I can feel how harming it is when we double-trap ourselves by judging the subject of our feeling, as well as ourselves for feeling it. It takes me back to the importance of knowing ourselves by essence, instead of the behaviours.
I ike how you point out that we have to learn that it is ok to feel what we feel. It is indeed a re-learning of what was once naturally ours as children.
This is a great place to start with honesty, ‘it’s ok to feel what you feel’ then expressing from this, I find it builds trust in myself and therefore in what I have to share/say.