I had been to see my parents last year, as I often do on a weekend. As I was on my way out of their house, saying the normal goodbyes, my Dad gave me a hug and kiss goodbye. It wasn’t until I got into my car and was driving down the road that I really felt properly into how that hug had felt. Now it wasn’t a bad hug, it was the normal one he had probably been giving me for most of my life.
But this time around, what I actually felt was just how hard it was. My Dad’s arms had been tight when they hit my body, feeling rather cold. Then there had been a slight squeeze, which actually had not felt slight at all – it had felt rather abrupt and uncomfortable. Then I got the pat on the back, leaving me with the feeling like I’d just been patted like a dog. It all felt rather hard and not very loving or heartfelt.
Feeling all this from the hug, I decided to call my Dad to let him know that I didn’t like how we had just parted. So I pulled over in my car to call him. He answered the phone… I went on to explain what I had felt when he had just hugged me. I had not ever said anything like this to him before, so was very respectful and caring in how I expressed myself. I described how the hug had not felt gentle, it had felt hard and functional; and how that having a heartfelt hug was really such a loving parting gift one can give another, and that I really would like to experience a different way of parting with him. He was a little taken aback as you would expect, so I asked if when I saw him next would he be open to my showing him what I meant instead of us talking about it – to do a little lesson on how we can hug each other in the future. He agreed.
True to his word, when we next saw each other and I was ready to leave, we approached our first ‘hug lesson’! I asked him to give me a hug like he normally would, so he could feel what it was like, so we had a marker. It was the same hug as I had felt the previous time. I asked him to stop and to allow me to show him with my arms and body, what sort of hug I would like to receive. I put my arms around him very gently and tenderly, he automatically put his arms around me – they were still quite hard. I asked that he loosen up and soften his chest. It was all quite awkward and he got a little impatient, saying it was stupid. I explained he has been with his body for 67 years, not having been asked to hug this way before, so it may feel a little awkward and different. I explained that it has taken me some time to ‘hug in a more heartfelt way’ also, and that how I learnt to hug from my heart was from going to presentations by Serge Benhayon at Universal Medicine (UniMed), and that gradually I have been developing more love and tenderness for myself (which we all have naturally, but have just forgotten). Feeling the tenderness in my body has given me more awareness to make different choices, by understanding what feels loving or not so loving, i.e., ‘hard’.
My Dad knew of Serge Benhayon and UniMed from my having shared about Serge’s presentations in the past, so he was open to what I was saying – to the best of his ability in that moment anyway. We separated and started again. We tried this a few more times and now quite a few giggles and laughter started to come out. We ended our first hug lesson agreeing it was okay that he wasn’t able to do it differently first time ‘round and that we could just practice each time we saw each other. We hadn’t quite reached gentle and heartfelt, but we had certainly made progress.
That first ‘hug lesson’ was now over a year ago and hugs with my Dad have changed dramatically. I will add though, it has been a slow and gradual evolution. At times it was one step forward and then a few steps back. But what I will say is it has changed the way we interact – it has opened up a truly loving playfulness between he and I. Whenever we now go to hug, it is like our special connection, something we giggle at and have fun with. He is so much more conscious of how he touches me now and softens himself when we hug… tender, heartfelt and truly loving hugs are what we have come to share.
By Raegan Cairney
I had a male work colleague who could not accept a hug and they used an excuse not to hug. Then one day after a sales meeting when everyone was saying good bye for the day with a hug, they stepped forward and asked for a ‘Mary hug’ as they had heard so much about my hugs from the rest of the team. So I gave them a hug and they really liked being hugged said it felt reassuring and there was no agenda to it. So then for the rest of week they came up for their hug. Some hugs can convey more than the spoken word.
I am very aware that my body dislikes being patted in a hug, rather than feeling truly caring it feels like a distraction dressed up as care.
I too have been helping my Dad to be more tender when he hugs me. He lives on the other side of the country and it used to take a few days for him to re-adjust his hugs when he saw me but the last time I visited there was no re-adjustment needed, his hugs were tender from the day I arrived. There are many things that human beings champion as being of significance or importance but to me just one person being more tender when they hug is of true significance.
[…] Related Reading: Relationship Advice Living harmoniously with your partner 24/7 From Hardness to Heartfelt – Hugs with My Dad […]
Opening up the conversation as embracing as the hug.
A hug is a conversation.
I am experiencing that the more we openly share the truth we feel the more we offer each other the opportunity to let go of the protection we hold on to and allow our love from within to express who we naturally are. Yes it can feel awkward at first but deeper that is the sense of how true it feels.
Beautiful to read how if we ask another without a judgement to be more of who they actually are they can feel invited and willing to experiment. I will do a little experiment with my dad too next time I see him, instead of giving up and thinking things will always stay the same.
Thank you Reagan, what I learn from this is that we do not have to be perfect at all to actually grow or evolve in life. Quiet contrary, imperfection leads to change and actually playfulness too !
What a lovely example of showing how important it is to express fully what we feel, and how if expressed with love, care and respect it can bring a deepening of our relationships.
So much of who we are is felt in a hug as there is no hiding as we connect heart to heart. And we all have to learn to open ourselves to deeper level of Love we are so there is no holding back when we Hug another.
When I was reading through my first reaction was that I would not feel comfortable to say what you did about the hardness in the hugs, but it shows how social politeness can get in the way of deepening our love (and fun) in relationships. A truly joyful read.
Raegan, you highlight the beauty of how openly and honestly expressing how we feel with each other allows for more love to be shared in our relationships.
This photo of you both is so cute I love it!
Love will always open us up to new amazing opportunities and magical avenues, like you and your farther did all we need to do is we say yes.
When I read this blog it supports me to go deeper into reflecting on my relationship with my father and looking at how I am with him and how I can go much deeper in expressing myself and how I feel with him. I can feel that when I feel he is not open with me I also then hold back, expecting the parent to lead, instead of bringing what I know is needed.
Raegan I love this what a super sweet blog and what a super sweet dad you have – awesome he is open to deepening that connection with you and awesome you were able to express that to him.
A great example of the miracle true expression and the willingness to be open can bring.
When we choose to express what we really feel our relationships inevitably deepen and the way we are with each other physically, reflects this.
Change can be awkward and hard to grasp at first but the more we open our heart to Love the easier it is to live another way. By just talking about it, with each other as you did here Raegan everything can change. Thank you!
Men need to learn who they are in truth , gentle, caring and so so tender, beautiful Reagan.
I agree John, as being met and held in the presence of a man connected to tenderness is a graceful power that cannot be matched by any physicality alone… and melts me every time.
I remember having huge lessons with my current partner, both stiff as a board but over time has melted and can now be really lovely. Now used to such hugs from my family, partner and students of Universal Medicine or complete strangers I’ve met at Livingness one (a free open day taster course from UM). These days it can be a real shock to the system to get a bear hug or quick squish to avoid melting in each others arms, which can happen with anyone I have found and we deeply crave such.
I feel that your initiative of talking with your Dad about your hugs is very self-loving as well as an opportunity for you both to take your relationship into a deep new level. Very inspiring..
Because we have done things many times over it is easy to fall into a routine of just ‘getting it done’. Life is a never-ending rhythm offering every opportunity to go deeper in what and how we act. Having this in mind we can come via our heart and act in a more tenderness way the next time. A ritual of a hug can be a greater marker and celebration of what that deeper level of tenderness maybe and is.
Your Dad is very gorgeous, you can feel that in the quality of how he is with you.
This piece of writing is very beautiful on so many levels, but the one that stands out to me today is in the part about how you chose to stop and express what you could feel, with respect and honour to the person you were speaking with, and this is what caused all the change thereafter – that one simple choice to say what you could feel.
I remember hugging one person in particular and not knowing what it was I was feeling but it was a really yucky hug and I never looked forward to it – yet equally never said anything/ When I did there was a massive reaction and then I realised how tense I was at the prospect of the hug and the expectation I put on them to ‘deliver’ the hug to me. That person was a great turning point in my life and I appreciate the reflection they gave me in every hug I now have 🙂
Definitely changing the way we hug can have an impact on our relationships. By being open, honest and playful about the way we hug each other and allowing for change can bring a lightness and a deeper level of connectedness. This has happened with many friends and colleagues and even family members although these for me have been slower to evolve.
The playfulness with which you live every aspect of your life is infectious and no wonder your Dad was willing to try a different way of hugging out with you.
That’s very cool. I can imagine it would have felt awkward to begin with. i’ve definitely experienced that. Being vulnerable in front of another can feel soooo uncomfortable, but with time, it definitely gets easier and starts to feel natural again.
Wow Raegan I loved how your father slowly opened up and the fact that he was willing to go there and the last sentence ‘He is so much more conscious of how he touches me now and softens himself when we hug… tender, heartfelt and truly loving hugs are what we have come to share’ – has given him permission to treat you with such tenderness that he is appreciating what he probably didn’t receive when he was once young too.
We are all every bit as tender as one another, sometimes all we need is a little reminder…
Most people who do squeezey hugs don’t even realise they are doing it although they are usually aware of their own enthusiasm. By showing appreciation for a hug and asking that it might be more gentle we can quite often bring awareness and a welcome realisation to the other. Simply expressing how we feel from all the love that we are works wonders.
We have this thing where we think that a great big squeeze is telling someone how much we love them, when in fact it literally feels like they are holding you in and crushing you. A tender and gentle hug can say so much and leave you feeling appreciated and confirmed in the most beautiful way.
So beautiful Raegan for you to offer to your Dad another way of being, opening him up to the tenderness that lies within him and then to be able to share that with you, within a hug.
How very beautiful and tender, for you both Raegan, that you were open to sharing whilst your Dad was open to receiving and learning; what a gorgeous connection.
It is so touching to read how understanding you have been with your father, giving him the time and the space to re-learn his naturally gentle ways. You are a wonderful person.
So much said in the embrace of two people who love each other learning to express how they feel.
Oh yum, yes, how much is in a hug! I love that you appreciated the many years of hugging that create a pattern in the body which can take a while to undo! We have to un=learn our bodies ‘go-to-behaviour and that takes a commitment to consistency and an openness to feeling and learning more from what we feel from our bodies rather than what we have known from our heads.
What I love about this is the openess of your Dad, you can feel his genuineness and tenderness from what you write. I love how he was open to being more playful and wanting to meet you in another way- you can feel his love for you in that.
I love how this blog highlights the loving space we can give people to really support them.
I love the way you so honestly expressed to your Dad Raegan. So many of our gestures can become automatic and not so heartfelt. Through truly connecting with each other our layers of protection naturally begin to melt.
As you share this you can feel the beauty of the man he is and it is gorgeous that he is open to allowing more of his tenderness and love to be expressed.
There is the physical hug and now I have discovered the eye hug with my Dad. A shy man my Dad has always held back expressing his love openly as he felt that was an embarrassing act as a man. Learning to respect this and bringing even more love to our relationship over the years has lead to eye hugs where I get to view the glorious blue eyes of this deeply caring and sensitive man each time I visit my parents.
This is a great reminder Raegan, as so often I have received hugs from others feeling that same way and not said anything, but by not saying anything, they don’t get the opportunity to be another way and my body can enjoy the hug instead of the rush to get it over. It really is our responsibility to call it out, lovingly so.
A hug lesson – this is so cute, it’s great to acknowledge that the way we touch and hug people, yes is a reflection of how we’ve been with our body, but also it means a great great deal to them, and also gives them permission to approach us with the same tenderness.
Thanks for sharing your hug lesson, I am seeing one of my children later today – maybe a hug lesson will be called for.
Learning to ‘‘hug in a more heartfelt way’ was something I too had to learn. Arrogantly feeling that hugging was ‘better’ than just greeting someone without any touch, I can really feel the difference when someone hugs me in an abstracted way and when there is heart in it. Of course the same goes for me too. Letting go of the years of protection to truly let people in took some doing – still a work in progress.
I love this story, how you have gently and gradually supported your father to let go of the hardness in his body that he has been carrying around for years and how by working on one element and movement it has shifted so much more.
I love this hug lesson, just a little ritual that supports with connecting with another and getting a deeper understanding of one’s body, with a huge effect.
We can either hug from our heart or we can hug from the layers of protection we have built around it. After years of living behind these fortress walls, our body has learned to move in a way that is not true to the essence of who we are, which is love. Learning to dismantle these walls requires a willingness to ‘go there’, to surrender ourselves to a majesty and beauty we long ago left behind but has been burning bright within us all along.
Agree it’s like layers of blankets over a hot water bottle. If you have too many layers you will not feel the warmth.
One of my favourite blogs ever. I just adore the absolute love you offered him in showing him how to embrace and be embraced in this way… truly allowing how you feel for each other to be physically expressed. Gorgeous.
What I love about your blog Reagan, is the responsibility you have taken to bring into the relationship with your dad what was needed and to let it evolve. Not needed in the way that it has to change for you, to get a lovely, tender hug, but for him to be able to express bodily the tenderness he feels for you in his heart anyway. And you learned to not give up on ‘expressed love’, that you can bring it when it is not there yet. This progress report is very inspiring!!! Thank you very much.
Yes – all we can do is express how we feel without expectations – which leaves the other to feel and make their choice of how to respond to what is being shared (expressed). The key is always to feel that whatever can come up in our human contact with people and the energetical and physical experience – we must always feel what is true – and act on that, not on ideals, beliefs, thoughts or desires. So we can build true connection with all. And we allow ourselves to express even more dearly ourselves – with full recognition given by ourselves of who we are.
I am touched by what we can bring if we open up and express how we feel and sense how things could be. What I appreciate especially is the playfulness that I can sense from the new way of interacting with your father Reagan, and that that playfulness is an expression of the love that you have build together and are now sharing with one another every time you meet. What a blessing for the world…
Beautiful Raegan. I can feel the warm embrace of your deepening connection in the hug lessons.
I love it when we choose honesty. Sometimes the awkwardness of change brings discomfort and ends in distancing but the potential of deepening a relationship and it becoming more authentic and fun as you have shared Reagan is life changing and has a flow on effect that we often don’t see. This is a playful blog which calls out every action we choose to be a part of that is not true – very exposing.
Irrespective of what happens to the hugs, just having this conversation, opening that door is so fabulous. Hugs can be exactly like saying “I’m fine” – robotic, empty actions. So to be offering an alternative, to be changing that, to be saying that there might be another way is truly ace. And the genius with doing it around hugs is that no matter how resistant the mind might be, the body knows and will drink it up.
This is beautiful Reagan and great that you felt able to share so honestly how you felt with your Dad. It is that open dialogue and the fact you were able to practice something loving with him that makes it so special. For practicing the hug surely becomes about more than just the hug, but can encapsulate the whole relationship you have and bring you both towards greater intimacy, love and care.
How inspiring to read of the reconfiguration of your relationship with your Dad… we are never too old to change the way we are living and to bring more love and joy into our lives.
How important is it to express ourselves, to communicate how we feel… by stopping to call your Dad you opened up a new way of connecting with your Dad – not just through hugs but in being more playful and joyful with each other too. When we make one choice, often there are so many more beautiful choices that follow that we would never have experienced unless we made that initial choice.
Even hand shakes sometimes are so hard, some men squeeze your hand in a way it really hurts. I used to not say anything, but now I whinge when someone does that and express something like, “ouch, that hurt” or “ouch, you’ve got a hard grip” – the responses are differently, a lot of men just ignore it, but I feel it is good to give a feedback. I guess as a woman this is easier to do and it usually gets respected and men squeeze your hand less the next time. If you do that as a man, I can imagine that would be more challenging.
Very honouring of yourself and your dad to communicate how you felt about his hugs. If we do not express these things then they hang between us as unspoken stuff and can complicate our relationships, especially if it accumulates over time.
[…] Reading: The inner-heart – your key to connecting with who you truly are From Hardness to Heartfelt – Hugs with My Dad A Tender Hug… Reflecting the Love That […]
Thank you Raegan this is beautiful to read, in honouring what you felt you were able to express to your dad so openly and respectfully and inspired him to try something new and more loving that offered you both a deeper connection.
I love the openness you both had. Raegan in being open to expressing, and your Dad in being open to what you were saying and in trying something new. That one moment when you decided to pull over and ring your Dad was just one moment and you had a choice. What followed from that choice and that one moment is very powerful.
This is really gorgeous.
A fabulous example of just what is possible when we finally decide to express what is heart-felt but has never been fully expressed. Also a great reminder of the importance of playfulness through any change, ensuring that a level of light-heartedness and frivolity assists in landing any learnings.
How lovely to read of such a personal and deep reconfiguring… Within us all is that tender gentle true and loving being that really aches to be held and to have true love reflected back so that we can all find that lodestone of self-love within ourselves.
A lovely read and a reminder that we’re never too old to unlearn unloving behaviours and replace them with more loving ones. I imagine your father will be benefitting much more widely from the tenderness you are bringing him through your hugging lessons!
Many people are great huggers but I have a couple of friends who are seriously the most awesome huggers ever. There is something that is just so open, delicious and expansive about the way they do it that really sets them apart from others. After reading your blog Raegan I realise I must get some tips from them on how to give a quality heartfelt hug.
How lovely, that you had a parent who was willing to embark upon this journey with you, and how inspiring this can be for others of these generations who had not much nurturing at all in there own lives, and now opening to the possibility of how lovely this is
Raegan, your blog got me thinking about the quality of the hugs I give to others and how they are in return. I can see that I have made things my end more tender and gentle over recent years as I have learnt to allow others in. I can now appreciate that what I am offering others is very open, joyful and caring as opposed to a hard, mechanical and distant hug, which is how I have behaved in the past. What I have received back has varied but it’s still a pleasure to share my hugs with others :).
I have always been able to have a hug with my father however as I have got older it has felt like a ‘man hug’ scenario. Enough of a squeeze to signify hardness, be competitive, stake your place in the pecking order and with plenty of back slapping. All a huge avoidance of the tenderness within and between us. As I have learnt about the significance of how we treat ourselves and each other in our actions and physical contact this just didn’t work for me anymore. Each time I hugged my father I would ensure that I hugged him no differently to my partner, other family members or friends. I allowed him to feel the tenderness I bring and simply asked him to be gentle if he tried to squeeze. Our hugs are now also much more tender and allowing of a deeper feeling of connection. I am inspired by the openness to discuss with your father how and why you like to hug in the way you have.
Raegan how beautiful to hear your experience from a hardened hug to a heartfelt hug with your father.
Just in reading your blog I could feel your tenderness and love- it was simply gorgeous.
How amazing would it be if all relationships allowed true intimacy – love and tenderness to be part of the norm, in a hug. Rejection and low self worth would be a thing of the past.
Fathers can be tricky to hug because they have become so used to the hardness that stop men from expressing their intimacy freely. My father being Japanese, has also the cultural thing of not being tactile. I used to feel hurt by it but now accept it and do not allow me stop expressing love towards him.
It’s amazing what can be felt from something as simple as a hug! And doubly amazing what comes from honouring those feelings and bringing them up into conversation with another. Conversations such as the quality of a hug is rarely spoken but this just goes to show how powerful such conversation can be. What else could happen if we expressed how we feel and the quality of other interactions? Thank you Raegan.
So powerful how you chose to honor what you felt Reagan. As that from that point a new foundation of love and honesty was established between you and your Dad. And with constantly choosing love and understanding, as you have beautifully done, we can rebuild trust in our relationships which allows us to connect deeper to the love that is within us all, to joyfully share.
This is a beautiful blog and just leaves me smiling, great words ” everyone, no matter how they behave has a part in them that loves to play and have fun.” I love that your husband absolutely adores you.
Gosh, this is something I have experienced too… (thought I was the only one!) and have not spoken about it to my dad, but instead just let my hug do the talking… I know he feels the deep love and affection I have towards him through my hug, it’s instant communication in the hug, but to receive it back from your dad in a similar embrace must be gorgeous too… I am inspired to gently say something now!
Reagan, what a lovely time you must have had sharing and connecting with your Dad, from your writing I can feel how much closer you and your Dad have become. Men often find it difficult to allow others to feel, that true tenderness that they have, but when they get to share it, it feels amazing.
Holding this hardness in our bodies for so many years it feels so normal to be and express and hug this way. What I connected with very clearly from reading this blog, is that the reason this hardness first established itself was because of the hurt of rejection. So it could very easily be read into that someone needing the hug to be different, in particular if that someone was a daughter or another close female relation, could bring up that same hurt. It is a stifling way of being – taking on the hardness and identifying with it as who one is, then even when the hardness is rejected, it brings up the hurt once more. Such is the way that untruth and loveless and the resulting abuse is sustained in the world. Great appreciation to a daughter who lovingly attempts to break down this identification and thus untruth.
It’s so beautiful to be able to communicate like this with your Dad, Raegan. It’s also beautiful to be able to challenge and change relationships that we have that have stayed in a groove for some time, and to do it with something so simple as a hug is special.
This was so beautiful to read Raegan it brought tears to my eyes. It was just gorgeous that you rang him and expressed what you did allowing for everything that has since followed. It is a great lesson in not holding back… and the playfulness and heartfelt hugs you now share are a divine confirmation of this.
This is a beautiful sharing Reagan. I imagine at first it would have been a little uncomfortable to bring this up to your Dad, but to have made the effort by listening to how you felt and honouring that, obviously made it a beautiful experience for both of you after your few practise runs!
What a great lesson: bring tenderness to the body, hug from the heart, and let the love flow. We could all do with that lesson.
This is an absolutely gorgeous story Raegan thank you for sharing your hugs. To feel them tenderly and lovingly, even with giggles too, is nothing short of true joy and of the deepest love shared between two people.
This is adorable Regan, what a fun way to connect with your dad.
This is indeed something to remember ‘just because we create a marker with someone doesn’t mean it is there forever.’ I am loving the openness and honesty in your comments, Ariana. Your comments are a great support to me.
Raegan, I find your blog inspirational. It is beautiful to read how your father has found a way to be more gentle with you and himself. I felt some tears well up in my eyes probably because I would love to establish more loving relationships with my family. Instead of accepting how it is and avoiding too much contact you have inspired me to maybe start a little project of my own.
Hi Raegan. I remembered about this blog and wanted to re-read it because my dad is coming to visit this weekend and I am going to gently broach the topic of our hugs, as it is something that has not felt right for as long as I can remember. I don’t want to accept that’s just how it is any more, but instead share with him how I feel it could be a lovelier experience for us both.
I loved reading this Reagan. It made me want to put my arms around myself and feel the tenderness and love that is radiating out.. What a beautiful thing to share between your Dad and yourself and the absolute joy that happened in doing these lessons.
Such a delightful and joyful sharing Raegan. Reading this really made me smile as I could easily picture the two of you in your hugging sessions. It was so wonderful that you felt so clearly to stop the car that day and ring your father to share how you felt and that he was open to listen. And what a beautiful deepening of your relationship evolved from following this strong impulse. Hugging lessons coming up for a few men in my life!
This is such a beautiful sharing with us Raegan. I am still at the beginning stages of ‘hugging’ with my father. It was the constant patting on my back and the hardness in his upper body particularly in his upper chest area which led me to start our conversations about ‘hugging’. This in turn brought an awareness to all the hugs I now receive on a much deeper level than just a traditional, warm way of greeting another person. Wow! The stories a hug can tell you.
Thank you Raegan. I am reminded that I have been putting up with some perfunctory hugs from friends and I have not said anything about it. I shall now express how I feel next time this happens- and every time this happens. I owe it to myself and I know they will thank me for it, if not straight away, then when they realise what a difference a true hug makes.
I love the way you’ve expressed to your dad Reagan, and how it has become a playful experience and not a serious one.
Your dad has felt how your question and lesson was and is coming from love not because he is not good enough the way he is. Beautiful inspiration and I appreciate you for sharing this example of the power of love in expression.
Raegan, you have so clearly shown the power of expressing your feelings here and it is an inspiration! From simply honouring what you felt in your hug with your father that day and calling him in the vulnerability of that feeling, you could communicate to him with love about what you felt. And WOW! It sounds like what has unfolded in your relationship is quite profound. This is such a beautiful example of how relationships can be when we honestly express our feelings. Thank you for this honest and intimate sharing Raegan.
That is beautiful what you share. Often men are not use to giving hugs and feel they have to be seen to be hard and in control as that’s what their role is. My father use to have no concept of hugs until my sisters and I in our teens started to give him hugs, more so when he suffered from a heart problem. He opened up to receiving hugs and in this allowed himself to soften up his body. Now my father playfully gives all of us sisters hugs and including all his grand children, he sees it as a way for him to make true connection with us. This has allowed him to become soft and gentle within him, and the hardness has faded away.
Its great to re-connect with someone close in this way, to re-configure a relationship that has, Over the years atrophied into something that doesn’t reflect the true connection that would be there underlying… What a lovely opportunity.
What a gorgeous gift and marker you’ve given your Dad Raegan and one that will keep on giving.
What a gift you bring to the relationship … Truth tenderness and awareness which has opened up a deeper connection that you are both enjoying.
You made me laugh Raegan – I wish I had read your blog before I went to see my dad – I could have given ‘hug lessons’ a go.
Ariana, I was touched by reading your comment about your relationship with your father. Isn’t it beautiful that you found an organisation, in Universal Medicine, that supported you in healing your sadness and I love how you are now going forward with your loving hugs, and are able to leave the hurts of the past behind.
Raegan it is really awesome how you did not hold back in expressing this to your Dad, even though you knew it would likely be an awkward process. As I continue to learn, expressing what we are feeling is so important, and from what I’ve read here today it is so important for everybody’s learning. I love what you have opened up here with your Dad – how so very healing for you both!
Most men are so tender and sensitive that they have had to develop a hardness to protect themselves. Also in particular fathers who can be very tender and hug and play with their daughters when they are toddlers start to change or hold back when their daughters develop into beautiful young women as they don’t want to give a wrong impression. Really we all have so much love to share and it is great to be given the permission to express and share it in full.
Wow it is never too late for us to open up and let go of all our protection and hardness and connect to and share the natural tenderness that we are. Thanks so much for sharing this story Raegan.
The hugging lessons you describe with your father feel gorgeous and playful,
You are very courageous to have spoken to him and started to change the patterns of a lifetime Raegan, and have inspired me to speak up more about how I feel, thank you.
I know how you feel Ariana, I never had a close relationship with my dad. I had no memory of having a close hug with him at all. One of my dearest memories is a few days before he died he gently took my hand and held my gaze with such tenderness, it was if he was saying “it’s ok, everything will be alright”, and I saw love in his eyes for the first time, ever. It was a very touching moment for me and sort of made up for all the lost hugs.
I found it inspiring to read how you honoured what felt true for you and talked to your dad about the hugs he was giving, and by doing so you were able to increase his awareness, and gradually the hugs became more “..tender, heartfelt and truly loving…” A beautiful growth and connection for you both.
How cool is this Raegan! Brave of you and I admire your dad’s patience to listen and learn.
Hugging is just beautiful when you let the other in and you are also let in. One of the things I learn to enjoy is hugging men since we do not have breasts and it always ends up being heart against heart. More generally, to feel how you can let go in tenderness is just amazing.
Raegan, what a lighthearted post on the hugging lessons you offered your father (ha ha, awesome!), it was so great that you could actually do this, and that he was receptive to it. I agree and feel it’s not so much the hug itself, but more both the playfulness that developed as a result of your initiating expression and your father’s willingness… and also secondly because of the re-connection you brought to your father-daughter relationship, and to both yourselves too. This is worth so much. The photo of you both too is so tender. Beautiful to see.
Reagan, there are so many wonderful points you have made in your story and your commitment to love for yourself and your father is strong. I can feel the tenderness and space you have nurtured between the both of you to even address this subject and the growing, nurturing that is joyfully allowed to unfold. Magic.
I loved reading this Reagan. I just realised whilst reading your blog how if we do not just accept things if we do not like them can be such a starting point for true change. It is like the biggest change was in the way you and your dad are connecting from you sharing what you felt. This is inspirational.
Beautifully said Lieke. There may be things in our lives we don’t like or feel a tension about in our body. These are potentially opportunities of evolution if we choose to claim the fact we do not like them and choose to make the change. The more we choose to truly evolve the deeper and richer our lives can be.
I can imagine the awkwardness in approaching this as a new experience for a 67 year old male. Wow that took courage on both parts and what I felt was the immense love for each other coming through.
Reagan this is really beautiful, I especially loved reading how understanding and patient you have been with your father.
This is beautiful to share. Hug lessons all round. I can really feel that by just talking about a different and more tender way to hug has opened up a deep connection between you and your father.
I loved reading your blog Reagan, thank you for sharing. I can feel the love and tenderness in the photo and it is so lovely to see the blossoming of your re-connection with your dad. I had a similar experience with my mother, she used to hug me so tight and rub my back as if she couldn’t get enough of me! I began to show how to hug gently, she was very open to that and now we can share a lovely gently hug, equally, and look into each others’ eyes afterwards too without pulling away quickly like we used too.
This very honest and revealing Ariana and really lets your own tenderness and delicacy shine through. We are all so tender and delicate and re-discovering this through our hugs with loved ones is incredibly healing and joyful. Going forward in this way is the way.
Lovely article, thank you for sharing your experiences. It is lovely to read how being open and honest has created more intimacy within your relationship with you father. The hugging ‘relearnt’ feels to be a great celebration of it.
Raegan that is so inspiring! I love how your willingness to be so vulnerable with your Dad, so honest and open has led to so much more depth in your relationship.
This is so inspiring, I love how you both realised it wouldn’t happen over night but then a year on you can look back and see the difference in quality. Fantastic blog
Hello Raegan and this was a brave approach to things. What is important for me is that you felt something and you were willing to follow that feeling. It wasn’t, on the outside going to be popular and you needed to also take the time to be careful with how you said it but you committed to it. It is lovely that your father was at least open to hearing what you had to say and this speaks volumes for the relationship you have with him. When we have been ‘doing’ something a certain way for so long it takes a lot to turn that around and it takes great care also for the person asking for that change. I appreciate what you did and can see that at the very least you father is now aware of ‘how’ he hugs and as time goes on this awareness will continue with each ‘hug’. It is great as I said that you were brave enough to at least start the conversation. Thank you Raegan.
Reagan’s experience shows just how much people can change if we start to honour our feelings and have the courage to express them, however uncomfortable it may make us, or them feel. If it feels true to call out someone’s behaviour, lovingly so, then that can’t be wrong because everybody benefits. It feels that Reagan’s father has much more awareness now of how he hugs others, and now he can pass his hugs on to anyone who wants a hug in a more gentle, tender way too!
Raegan I love your experience of reimprinting your hugs with your Dad. I have also done this with members of my family and its so beautiful when we melt in each other’s arms.
That was awesome to read about your hugging lessons Raegan. It makes me smile looking at how my own hugs and relationship with my dad has continued to develop. The more I have opened up to myself the more I have opened up to him and likewise I feel him to me. From not even being able to stand in each others presence for very long to actually feeling safe and warm in his arms is absolutely huge. Our hugs have only really started to change in the last month or so, after reading about your lessons over the span of a year makes me ask how much more can our relationships deepen?
Gorgeous Raegan! Love is felt through all the little details and this feels like a beautiful deepening of your relationship with your Dad.
Raegan, your story made me smile as I too have done the same with my Dad. His hugs were so hard and abrupt that they felt merely functional. It is incredible to now feel the level of love and intimacy that is in our hugs, so much so that it is me at times who feels my resistance to going deeper !
A beautiful story Raegan. About 12ths ago my parents were dropping me off at the airport after a short visit. My father helped me with my luggage. It was time to say good bye which was usually shaking hands as men do. In that moment I felt to open my arms and invite my father to hug me. To my surprise he just melted into my arms. I could feel that this was what he, and I, had wanted to do for a very long time but had never given ourselves permission to do it. A moment that I will cherish, nurture and deepen.
What a blessing your dad and you have given to each other Brian Piper. By letting go of a life long hesitation to have intimacy into the relation with each other you both have freed yourself form an hardening that you had to hold in your body for a long time.
I love how you showed your Dad how to hug you. This is so special.
Thank you so much Raegan. It was a wonderful hug lesson, love lesson and life lesson to read this blog. You have inspired me to communicate more and step out of my comfortable yet not so loving ways of being in my relationships.
Dear Raegan, hugs are so beautiful and enriching for life that they should have whole articles dedicated to them! This beautiful blog really opened my heart – that’s exactly what hugs do. I feel from reading here that we could all spend more time hugging and talking about hugs. I love how you have opened the conversation with your Dad and it’s now your special time together. I’m inspired to also spend more time on my hugs and even to begin talking to people about them. Really beautiful blog, thank you, I can really feel what a gift hugs are and to keep working on them.
Hi Reagan,
This is Fabulous, hug lessons it feels so lovely and so much fun too. It feels all about opening up letting people in and expression.
That’s so beautiful Raegan, I love that you have been having hugging lessons with your dad! I never thought to bring that up with anyone whose hug felt a little hard or distant or a bit rough, but now I might give it a go! Hugging 101
Raegan, this was so beautiful to read how you created a special connection with your dad through becoming his ‘hug mentor’. What a beautiful gift for your both. Lovely how your dad was open as well.
A great example of how we can inspire and heal other people and ourselves by simply not over-riding and holding back what we are feeling.
What a great gift to your father and yourself.
You’ll have to open up a hugging shop so we can all come and experience your ‘heart-felt’ hugs … And a giggle.
What I love to see, if that is your dad in the picture, is the joy in his eyes and the way he holds his hands. You gave him the most precious gift, namely you; you opened up to him and allowed him to show his love for you. Awesome.
Yes Marjo, that is my Dad in the picture with me : ) He is a very loving and gentle man. I continue to build a very loving relationship with him on many other levels. Thank you for your awesome comment.
I’m so inspired that you so openly asked your Dad to hug you more gently. That’s very beautiful because it came from love, not wanting him to change. You knew that there could be a more loving gesture when you say goodbye to each other, and by expressing how you felt about that he completely understood. Thanks Reagan.
“That’s very beautiful because it came from love, not wanting him to change” this is the key, and when this is felt, there tends to be a natural shift as we open up to the love around us.
So inspiring and beautiful Raegan. I loved how you honestly expressed how you felt to your father without holding back and seeing the exercise as fun, and lighthearted with a giggle. What you offered was a beautiful deepening in your relationship for both of you.
Beautiful Raegan. Imagine if we all took the time to share with others how we felt in a way that opened them up to exploring more about themselves. What you offered your father and yourself through you being incredibly caring and respectful, was the opportunity to deepen your relationship and open up to each other in a more full and heartfelt way as you say. Very inspiring.
I too, love this sharing Raegan. It shows just how gorgeous it is when you do commit to love and hold another as an equal no matter where they are at.
Raegan- As I was reading your blog I could feel how my dad hugs me. It is also a very firm crushing hug and I am now feeling that we could have some hugging practice as well! I can always feel the love in Dad’s hugs as he has always struggled to say how he feels but it is definitely in the hug!
What I love about this blog, Raegan, is how you are accepting of where your dad was at, and never judging the hardness you felt in his hug, and stayed committed to love that you know was true. Beautiful.
Raegan – thanks for sharing such a great experience with your Dad. I am also learning the difference in types of hugs and have found the experience is infinitely so much more tender and warm when I am fully open with the other person.
I love how you pulled over and took the time to share with your dad what you felt about the hugs. It shows an amazing level of honesty in your relationship. Imagine if we brought this to all of our relationships all of the time, the world would be a very different more honest and respectful place, not to mention lots of cars pulled over to the side of the road. I would love to hear more stories about what you and your dad are talking about and if there are any more lessons going on.
Just gorgeous Raegan and Raegan’s dad. I have the biggest smile on my face – well done to both of you committing to deepening your relationship and not settling for less.
Reagan, such a hearty story you share & such courage to speak so honestly. It only takes one person to start the conversation. And the fact that your dad was open to exploring more gentle and tender hugs is so beautiful…the photo of you both says it all.
Raegan, super enjoyable read thank you. I recalled how difficult I would find it to ‘hug’ gently, there was pressure in it and pulling away quickly. Also as I have re-learnt myself how to hug I share this everyday with my wonderful husband. There has been no direct instruction from me, but to hug his tenderness and have this returned feels like I just melt into him and feel his stillness.
This is super sweet Raegan. I only became aware of how hard hugs can feel recently. Love the idea of Lessons in Hugging.
This is such a beautiful story. I’ve never considered asking someone to hug me more consciously, gently or considerate and thought I just needed to accept how people are. I’d love to share this with my Dad too! I can see that at the times it’s difficult for someone to hug like this it’s usually because they are not being open and gentle with themselves.
Raegan, this warms my heart. I love that you took that step and spoke to your Dad about how you felt. How beautiful that is has opened up to more tenderness and love in your relationship. This has inspired me greatly.
Dear Reagan, As I read your blog I had to cry – not because your blog is awful – no, I had to cry because it touched me deeply. My relationship with my father was full of tension and not really lovingly at all. I am sad that I did not have the chance to show him what a tender loving hug is for me. Through your blog I can feel how much I loved my father and that I loved him all of the time but I only said it once to him on the day he died. To feel all the love for him now is absolutely wunderbar. Thank you so much for your open sharing.
My absolute pleasure, I am so pleased that it has allowed you to feel what you have, having read the blog. Wunderbar indeed : )
I have been experimenting with this too. In my case, the hugs were almost rib cage crushes! It seemed like this had become a part of an identity to prove strength but also as a cover for the discomfort of expressing love in a physical way. I have had to keep asking for a gentle hug, saying how delicate I am and how lovely a gentle hug feels. I can feel how hard it can be to let go of this old way of hugging, and have had to stay steady and understanding.
Reagan – I love it, hug lessons. Hugs can be such a warm initmate moment with someone, I know for me, if I am feeling a bit off, a beautiful loving hug can shift that for me and help me come back to me. Other times a loving hug can bring to the surface things that I haven’t wanted to feel and other times a loving hug can simply be a reflection of the beauty that I know I already am. So much healing can happen from a hug.
Its a before and after for hugs 🙂
Hug lessons. Hilarious Raegan. In fact they are lessons in how to let out the warm gorgeous man who is already there inside of him. I would love to know how these moments with you are flowing out into other aspects of his life. Perhaps anther blog next year?
I enjoyed this lovely blog Raegan and reading the comments. I am truly inspired to bring more loving awareness to my hugs and deepening my relationships with others.
Raegan this is so cool. So brave to call it like that and then to lead the way with love and without judgement. I’m inspired to try this with my own Dad. With deep appreciation for you sharing this.
I love this blog and the comments, as there is so much love expressed.
My thanks go to your dear Dad for inspiring this beautiful article. I had a tear in my eye and a smile on my face thinking about the fun you two are having. Thank-you both.
Thank you Reagan for sharing the love and playfulness you and you dad are developing. I do appreciate the pace and commitment you show in developing moments of sharing the love that you feel to your dad, and with that you give your dad the opportunity to also explore how to give true expression to the love he feels for you.
How truly lovely to feel the willingness of your father to take part in “hugging lessons” and the fun and giggles and deepening of your relationship that ensued. A beautiful story Reagan thank you for sharing.
A wonderful expansion of your relationship with each other and the opportunity to connect on deeper levels. What a lot of fun too. Inspiring.
Two more hearts opening more and more.
Good on you Raegan for approaching what might seem to some a pointless exercise. It’s actually quite a huge thing to do and your openness with your dad has most definitely created a more honest and loving relationship. I know I don’t feel quite ready to have that conversation, so thanks for sharing how you did it!
Thank you Reagan for your lovely blog. I don’t have a Dad anymore to practice heartfelt hugs with but I feel there are quite a number of people that I could practice gentle heartfelt hugs with!
What a gorgeous story. A warm, open hug says so much about a person.
I love your blog, so simple but inspiring. Its great how you share this experience with your dad, it’s a great lesson of sharing how we feel about things and how we can change it.
Hi Reagan I admire the relationship you have with your Dad, thanks for sharing
Beautifully expressed, and you have inspired me too Ariana to go forward every day with hugs that are heart felt!
Wow Ariana, just stumbled across your comment but then there is no such thing as just by accident…. what came up for me is that i also have not spoke to my ex-husband for some 20/25 years, and I completely understood when you wrote; ‘I know that ten years ago, my ex-husband could not have come over to me and said that as I held too much anger in my body’. Yes, same for me too, for years I held such anger towards my ex-husband, blaming him for many things, but never looking at my own part and my own hurts/and issues (shared with respect for my ex-husband). Lately, I have felt to make contact with him, and although I haven’t as yet, it does show me how much I have let go of and healed within myself to even think of contacting him. Like you I also see that love is changing the markers…. Thank you Ariana.
Reagan, this is so beautiful. I love that you just stopped the car and said to your dad on the phone what you felt. What an awesome and open-hearted, truly loving thing to do. I can imagine how awkward it must have been at first but it inspires me to pay closer attention to the quality of the hugs I receive in the future, not to mention the quality I give them in. Thank you for sharing the playful way you are in relationship with your father, which is of course a return to what should be only natural between a father and his daughter.
Raegan, this is so beautiful I love it! what a gorgeous picture too! This is the second time I have read your article and today I felt moved to tears as I could fee the gentle miracle that had taken place!
There is so much that can be communicated by a hug. Father-daughter hugs are interesting, they change so much as a girl develops into a woman. I literally felt my dad pull away after I reached my teens. My dad’s hugs changed from ‘you’re my darling daughter’, to ‘there are rules of engagement now.’ I remember feeling I’d done something wrong, and though I knew dad was there for me if I needed him, I felt a subtle loss of safety and acceptance, I just didn’t feel quite so lovable any more.Thank you for this great blog Raegan. A bridge to true love.
Such a tender, honest and beautiful sharing, Raegan. I remember having the same experience with my dad. If he was still alive, I would do a hugging sessions with him. At times, I do so with friends and it really works. Thank you. I loved reading your blog.
Raegan I loved how you shared such a beautiful gesture as a loving hug between your dad and how he was able to learn from that. He can now see what it means to hug with true gentleness and playfulness from how you expressed to him. Love it thank you.
This is so funny, my dad has always done the same thing with me, I was thinking that maybe by the amount of squeeze is showing you how much they love you…. You never know !! I mentioned to my dad one day that it felt like you’re going to squish my insides out. I know you love but there be nothing left to love if we keep going at this rate.. He got it and today I breathe much easier..
I often reflect on how a hug feels. Some feel hard, rough and even stiff. Sometimes I even feel like I am being pushed away, like the person hugging is also saying ‘back off, don’t get too close’ at the same time. Others feel soft and flimsy like the person is hardly there. I also have wondered what my hugs reveal about me. I haven’t quite worked out a way to test that one out yet!
I could hug this blog. Perhaps the most important part is when you talked to your Dad about how it felt when he gave you his customary hug. This started a beautiful communication that goes much deeper than the physical hug at the end of a visit.
Great blog Raegan, so important to express what we feel – it has such a positive effect and can be so deeply healing. Thank you.
How great that you took the courage and lived the love to call out the perfunctory gesture of affection and get to the real closeness and lived love that your dad has for you and you for him.
What a beautiful story Raegan. It is quite powerful what change can come from speaking our truth with love. And I love how you chose to honor what you were feeling about your hugs, and shared it with your Dad. Essentially you were inviting him to share a deeper relationship with you based on love and honesty. Very inspiring.
Raegan so gorgeous what you have shared about hugs with your Dad. I too have played with how I hug and have found I a feel a difference when I hug from my heart and not from me holding back.
I now love hugging people in my life and this blog has confirmed the magic of hugs.
Thank you, Raegan, for this beautiful lesson in how to lovingly present truth to our families. I love how this focus on how you and your father hug has brought more playfulness to your relationship, and an openness to the fact that, at the end of the day, life is ultimately about love.
How important it is to follow through on our feelings at the moment we feel them, Raegan. The moment you made that choice and pulled over and phoned your Dad started the unfolding of a most playful and gentle communication between you. It must have felt like a great risk, but you went for it, and now the gifts are coming back to you. It helps us all to remember to take those risks, realising that we have nothing to loose, for going on in the same old way can deaden a relationship.
I love how you talked to your dad about hugging and how you two have made it into a little learning game and having fun with it.
I have had a similar experience. At a private event a man gave a presentation on hugs and so everybody at the event gave each other a hug. At a similar event some time later only him and I among the men hugged each other and his hug was so hard it hurt.
Amazingly he noticed my discomfort and at a third event he gave me a very gentle hug. I was completely surprised and delighted.
What a beautiful and sweet article to read with a gorgeous photo of you and your father. When I started to live in Australia, “hugging” was a huge problem for me. I just felt so uncomfortable and some people would give me kisses and wow, I really disliked that. It took me a quite a few years to feel “ok” about it. Perhaps if I had “heart-felt hugging lessons” from you, I would have become addicted to it very quickly!? Thank you Raegan for writing this, I loved reading it.
It’s amazing the depth of connection we can have with each other when we express what was felt. Why do we hold back when we know what we are truly craving?
Thank you Raegan for this moving and beautiful blog. It is so amazing to see what changes true love and openness can bring. Hugging tenderly is so magical.
Thank you for this beautiful blog. I did not see nor communicate with my dad for many years. He lives overseas and we have since reconnected but I’ll make sure to hug him tenderly when I see him next, and ask him for the same.
That was so beautiful to read. I love hugging my dad now too with the loving gentleness.
So wonderful to read about this ‘hug lesson’ and inspiring. Reagan, you bring consciousness into not only how I say goodbye to my dad, but also to anyone I meet and say goodbye to the coming time. Not only that, you have been so honest enough to share your feeling about your Dad’s hug with him personally. Wow, what an opening to deepen the relationship with him. I love the lightness in it to propose to him to start with hugging lessons. Very heartfelt and a beautiful reflection for your dad, or anyone, to open up the body after so many years of ‘not knowing better’ than a functional hug. Thank you for sharing.
Dear Raegan, I am humbled by reading this. It exposes how tender we can be when approaching another about a sensitive topic, being respectful of them and not trying to impose change. There is a beautiful sensitivity in who you are and how you share and I feel inspired. Reading your blog shows me the times I have bullied and tried to shout another into change. That is not Love and is certainly not caring or respectful of them, but what you have expressed is. This is very, very inspiring. Thank you.
It is amazing what happens when we don’t hold back from expressing love. I can remember the times when I hugged my father when I was young and how I changed as I got older wanting approval and recognition and feeling hurt when I did not always get this. My father died a long time ago but it would be lovely knowing what I know now about myself to just be able to go up and hug him just for being him the loving caring person that he was. Thank you Raegan for showing your father there is a way to hug that is loving and deeply connecting and sharing it with us all.
Raegan I love how direct and honest you were with your dad about the hugs you had.
I’ve had similar experiences with a close relative who seemed quite shy about hugs, around me anyways. I showed her what I felt was a hug with no holding back. Her hugs are gorgeous and we hug for ages- such a difference to the fleeting things before. Quite recently I remember visiting and being hugged. I was shocked to find that it was me who wasn’t fully all embracing. Her hug that was so loving and all accepting allowed me to see where I was at.
It’s wonderful to know that, given half a chance, people so want to express their love but don’t always know how to go about it. I know that’s true for the older generation of my family who grew up in boarding schools.
Ariana this is just beautiful. I’m amazed at how much I influence the relationships I have. Thanks for the inspiration.
My own experiences with hugging have made me reflect on the messages we unconsciously convey in touch, what we’re expressing and indeed putting upon another, compared to the beauty in the shared equalness a hug can bring.
I love how descriptive this is Raegan, and how patient you were with your Dad, not expecting him to be able to change straight away. How awesome to share another way to hug with your Dad, and such a natural expression that can get lost when we protect ourselves. As Laura commented, you made it through the awkwardness which for me would be half the battle.
Wow, that is a great story, thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine saying that to anyone, but as you have shared, in doing so, you have made it through the awkwardness and come out with a deeper, fun, more precious connection with someone. It is well worth trying out…
Thank you Reagan for a warm and beautiful blog – I feel inspired to change the way that I hug with my family, and to share more love with them…….and to have some fun.
Thank you Reagan for sharing your hugging experience with your father and the fact that you are now teaching him to feel the hardness in the exchange. I can relate to not enjoying hugging in the past and feeling awkward but this has slowly been changing and becoming more comfortable.
Raegan, I can relate to what you have shared here, and have experienced similar hugs from family members. How inspiring it was to hear your story about teaching your father a different way and helping him connect with how his body feels during such moments. Many times when other men shake my hand (and inevitably try to crush every bone in it) to show how strong or dominant they are, I tell them they are really hurting my hand and don’t have to do that. Usually this is laughed off as something funny and I have not yet gone the extra bit to really talk about why they may be feeling they have to shake hands like that. You have inspired me to go to the next level with this Reagan!
Having a beautiful hug with someone you really love, can mean a thousand words.
It’s so interesting how different cultures use hugs. I grew up where hugs were only given to children, never did I see adults hug each other. But the family I married into is very different – their upbringing is to use hugs whenever you meet someone. But what I have begun to understand when you share a hug, it is about feeling the heart felt connection, that’s where the true exchange of energy is. I am really enjoying experimenting with my hugs from kids to adults.
So lovely to hear of your journey with your Dad from a functional hug to a heart-full one. Your commitment to love shines through.
This is beautiful Reagan, thank you. I feel inspired to suggest some different ways of hugging in my family too.
Wow I’m impressed that you actually taught your Dad to hug in a different way! I think many of us would just accept that that is how Dads hug and not think much more about it. Hugging is an interesting one, especially for men. Some men are seriously hug-phobic. There are Fathers out there that wouldn’t hug their sons but only shake their hands. I can imagine what the poor boy is feeling. The way that I hug has changed over the years. They used to be a lot more needy but nowadays are more about sharing the love that I have built for myself with the person I am hugging. My handshake has changed too. Much more tender and loving. Sometimes when I shake the hand of another man, I feel my forearm tense up and my hand squeezes theirs – it’s an automatic reaction of proving myself or trying to out-man the other guy. There is a deeply ingrained behaviour where men are not able to use their bodies to express their tenderness that they all naturally have, albeit very deeply in many cases.
I can relate to what you say Jinya about needy hugs… I was always hugging others out of need to be filled in someway. I can see now how this imposed on others. Like you my hugs are “nowadays are more about sharing the love that I have built for myself with the person I am hugging.” It’s fascinating what you write about how men shake hands to “out man another”, something that is not in a woman’s consciousness. It has added further understanding for me as to why men find it such a challenge to show their tender heart through physical touch.
A hug may only last a few seconds, but can say and express so much. I have noticed that the more I allow myself to be more intimate with myself and thus others, the more I am able to express this in my hugs with others.
That is beautiful Ariana.
I loved this article Reagan, and so relevant for me at the moment. A few days ago I saw my son and we hugged, but this time it really stood out how hard the hug felt. I shared this with him, and we then hugged again in a more gentle loving manner. On reading your blog I feel to play with this and take it further as you did. Gorgeous.
On reflection, I feel heartfelt hugs have become more the norm for me now so anything less than that really stands out and does not feel lovely.
I so enjoyed reading your blog Reagan. I have noticed how some members of my family hug me in hardness and how some members really meet me in tenderness with an open heart. The fact that you honoured that you no longer wanted to be hugged by your dad this way and had the courage to share that with him is fabulous.
Lovely article Reagan.
I recently found the courage to ask a friend for a gentle hug. He was completely unaware that his hugs were almost crushing my ribcage !
Since then we have been ‘practising’ gentler hugs, which has led to a greater awareness for me also, I realised I have been ‘guarded’ when accepting hugs from men.
I showed my appreciation of his willingness (and mine) to make the change, hugs between us feel so much more tender now.
Love this blog Reagan, thank you for sharing your new-found connection with your dad through hugs
When I was younger I hated hugs because they always seemed so false and I used to brace myself to receive them. I am still learning to hug, truly hug and not harden or switch off to not feeling them. It is wonderful that you have this opportunity to share your hugs with your father, Reagan and not take the easy option of accepting a hug that you felt was hard and functional.
A hug with Dad, a suggestion that has left me pondering all those hugs and good byes I have shared over the years. Lovely to read of how yourself and your father are open to sharing that learning experiences together. And a great reminder to stay open to tenderness within ourselves and others.
I love this article Reagan, such a beautiful exchange between you and your dad. So often we can fall into the ‘functional hug’ but the difference of feeling a heart felt hug is amazing. I find it great fun to playfully practice giving hugs as lovingly as I would like to receive them. So lovely you could express and share this with your dad.
Beautiful Raegan, it is very touching that you opened up this loving connection with your Dad. I’m sure that even though he found it difficult he has appreciated it and you immensely. What a gift you have given him and yourself.
Beautiful blog Raegan. This is such a great example of how when we simply communicate what we feel from the heart it opens up a wonderful space for expansion and an opportunity to change old patterns of behaviour – just beautiful!
I really enjoyed reading about your hugging practice with your dad. It reminded me of my mother who grew up without hugging and I always hugged her, as did my sisters. For many years she was very awkward about being hugged but I could tell that she enjoyed it but could not initiate it herself. Then about two years before she died (80 years) she started to initiate the hugs on our leaving and she became more natural and comfortable.
Thanks Raegan this article is so playful and fun I was chuckling reading it. More to the point it has brought an awesome awareness to my hugging practices, and I actually can’t wait to see how I hug my family and friends…I feel my goodbyes are going to become a lot longer as I practice my gentle expression here 🙂
What a great article and subject to highlight on hugging thank you Raegan and everyone for sharing. It really touched me as I certainly can never recall a hug with my father, mother or anyone in my family as I grew up. They were awkward things and just going through the motion of it really, until I too met Serge Benhayon and discovered what a true loving support the holding in absolute gentleness, integrity and love a hug can be. Hugs are becoming something I really feel and am working on and the true heartfelt connection they can communicate is beautiful.
This is gorgeous and really made me smile because that is exactly what I have been doing .. teaching my dad how I would like to be hugged. Most of the times he still hugs me how he wants to (not gentle and tender with a true heartfelt connection) but it is still work in progress : )
Reading your blog I felt how it was massive for you to make that call to your dad and express to him in a way you never have before to him. Really gorgeous.
I really enjoy this blog. Hugging is fun.
Thank-you Raegan for this sharing how a simple act of appreciation – a hug – can be relearnt. What a brilliant example of how engrained our behaviours become and autopilot switches on. What a beautiful gift you have presented your dad with – the opportunity to ponder his body, your body, and question, probably for the first time in years, how to truly celebrate a loving relationship.
Beautiful Raegan, that is so amazing and it’s so true. What we accept as hugs has often been quite torturous, like having the life blood squeezed out of your body! How gorgeous to be able to teach your father how to truly hug and that he is open to it! It is so exquisite these days to hug another in a truly gentle and connecting embrace, one where all our little tender cells have the opportunity to expand and open up to feel the other person, their body and their loving energy. It feels so complete and so pure. An exceptional post and I can really feel the fun in your lessons. Thank you.
I love it Rowena, ‘where all our little tender cells’, makes me grin and grin, just the connotation of them, and again, ‘It is so exquisite these days to hug another in a truly gentle and connecting embrace, one where all our little tender cells have the opportunity to expand and open up to feel the other person’. So gorgeous, I’m still grinning.
I love how through simply taking notice of how you felt after a hug and expressing it to your dad – actually made a huge difference to your relationship with him. I have realised through reading this that no level of expressing how I truly feel is ever going to be small or insignificant, but actually very powerful. Thanks for sharing Raegan.
A gorgeous article. Setting a new marker of love with hugs. Feeling inspired.
Thank you Raegan this is so gorgeous and I can so relate to the dog patting when I do hug with my Dad. I see him every day but do not hug him that often but feel inspired to go and hug him good night and start afresh.
I wrote this comment 6 months before my father died and the love and tenderness between us deepened in those last few months with lots of loving hugs and caring touch as I was his main carer for much of that time. I let go of my own hardness and he melted in response and when he passed over there were no regrets about things left unsaid or any doubt that we both knew we loved each other deeply. Thank you for your inspirational blog which has touched me and so many others and given many opportunities to heal hurts and playfully explore the beauty of heartfelt hugs.
How inspiring Ariana that because of the way you now choose to live your ex-husband was able to acknowledge and thank you and you now have a new marker to build from.
Ariana that is so true about the sadness and underneath anger that we carry and hold onto which stops us from opening up our hearts and sharing love.
Hi Everyone, What amazing comments from you all. So beautiful to read your experiences and what this blog has inspired. I use my hugs as a marker with Dad now, how is he feeling, how am I. For e.g. sometimes when we hug hello or goodbye, I or he feel off, reverting back to hardness and because we have this foundation I am able to ‘playfully’ say….. ‘that doesn’t feel so great Dad, can we do that again’ or sometime I am not always with myself and I can feel the hug and I don’t say anything, and when I am driving in the car (I live about an hour away from my parents) I have time to feel into and reflect what happened… realising what I had felt and didn’t say anything. Which has shown me it is always a conscious choice, and just because we create a marker with someone doesn’t mean it is there forever, it will always continue to be a choice to connect, be gentle, be tender and most importantly continue to evolve my communication and expression with Dad and everyone.
I love that awareness too, that just cos it (the connection) was there before doesn’t mean it will be there the next time!, we have to committ and work at it!
Beautiful Blog Raegan Xx
Wow what is amazing having read this blog and the comments following is how much there is to share about ‘hugging’! It is beautiful, as expressing with our families and friends how a hug feels simply in that moment has the potential to create a ripple effect into other areas of the relationship and lives and the possibility to unfold however it does–and can be the beginning of expressing what is or is not gentle, as in this blog sharing that hard hugs do not have to be the way. A very simple marker. Beautiful, Thank you, Raegan.
So true, Julie about how much there is to hugging. The article and comments have really inspired me to look again at how I hug and also how I do or do not allow myself to be hugged with an open heart. For I realise that it is a huge reflection as to how much I open my heart and am I letting people in.
This is lovely image, Arianna, of how to bring love into everything we do.
Thank you for the reminder Ariana. I definitely think we can.
Julie, you are right. The last time we met I gave my 80ish father the first hug in possibly our lifetime. He was quite nonplussed but in a much better mood for the rest of the visit and our relationship feels different in a good way.
This blog really touches a chord… it took me years just to get my Dad to hug me, as he always thought hugging was a bit odd. We’re now stuck in phase two – a sort of stand-offish/uncommitted hug. Thanks Raegan for taking note and offering us all this inspiration. What the blog helps me with (and others I am sure) is it suggests the most simple option – to talk to him about it, and bit of communication could be all we need to get to that next level!
Thanks Raegan Wow! Made me want to go out in the world and start hugging people. How truly hugging someone with gentleness and love is so absolutely yummy and something we all need to learn and spread the yumminess. I love how you did that with your dad, I can’t remember ever having many hugs with my dad even hard manly ones but if he was still alive today this blog would have inspired me to try, as I know deep down he would have been up for it and like your dad slowly come around
Beauty-full blog and comments, i’m inspired to practice hugging with my dad.
How great to read an article about hugging. I grew up in what I always believed was a loving family but there were very few hugs. I took this into my own family and my husband had a similar upbringing. When we met Serge Benhayon and at the end of the first workshop we attended I remember so clearly Serge asking Mick if he could give him a hug. It was a revelation and rather a shock for me seeing how it was uncomfortable and awkward for Mick to receive a simple hug. We then practiced at home and introduced hugging to our adult sons who were initially equally awkward. We now all feel a deeper connection with each other in our hugs and love it. Our sons are always ready with a loving tender hug with Mum and Dad and now take this into their families and relationships.
Beautiful story Mary. You have set a great precedent here. What a wonderful gift to pass onto future generations.
That’s so beautiful Mary…I am really touched by what you have shared and how something so simple as a hug can deepen your family connections and then expand out to other families.
thank you Mary – I feel as if you have just hugged everyone reading this
Thank you Mary for sharing this. Although me and my children hug each other all the time I was raised without it and feeling this, so many years after my parents died, made me cry. The deep hurt this has left inside me proves to me how important it is for a child to feel truly loved and to be held from that place.
Thank you Raegan, I can relate to the dog patting experience very much. In the past I have commented to my dad about hugging myself and my daughters more gently, but it came with judgement and reaction. This blog has inspired me to look at what expectations or hurts I am still holding onto, that prevent me from exploring a loving alternative together with him, as you have beautifully introduced with your dad – thank you for this.
So true Janet and Ariana, we do need to heal our hurts first or everything that we say comes with a judgement or as a criticism rather than offering a different way. My mother is 87 and last week for the first time I opened up and spoke from my heart and she could feel this, and we had a wonderful time. My mother said “look at the time, I don’t know where it has gone”. Up until this time I had never been honest and truthful with her, I may have said things that seemed honest but they came with a judgement and she could feel this, so our conversations would never get past a certain point. It seems crazy to write this but I have never hugged my mother nor she me, but I know as I open up more to her she will allow a hug, not a dutiful hug but a heart felt hug. Thank you Reagan I have had a true healing from your blog and everyones comments.
This is so easy to do to another – expect them to take on your own way of living, because it suits and feels true to you. I once brought this up with my dad about being patted like a dog, to which he said that he’d hugged his daughter like that for thirty-eight years and wasn’t about to change now, that’s what felt true and comfortable to him. His answer put me right back in my place and I immediately realized that I had been so imposing effectively demanding another way of love from him, other than the way in which he was. I have since come to appreciate his hugs for what they are, one of our ways of sharing our love for one another.
Thanks for an amazing article. I have found that I often hold back from expressing something like this – asking someone to hug me with less hardness, because I feel they will think its weird. But what you have beautifully expressed is that when you express from your lived experience, and don’t judge, it can be a beautiful sharing between two people.
I love the dog patting analogy – I can completely relate to that one. It’s amazing the difference a hug can make, what it can express and what can be felt from it. Inspiring that you chose to speak up very clearly about it and great that your dad is embracing what you presented in his own way in his own time.
Thank you for highlighting, how different it feels when we hug from our hearts. I loved reading your story on how hugs with your Dad have grown from hardness to a truly loving connection with each other. Wow that feels great, thank you Raegan.
Wow. I remember melting my Dad with hugs whilst he tried to do the dog patting thing! How cool, Raegan to open the dialogue, be playful, patient and truly understanding. Very inspiring, thank you.
Raegan, I love your article. It was great to read that there are different levels of hardness to heart-felt, and that we can work on it, as you beautifully expressed with the hugs. And I loved reading about how your relationship with your dad has evolved through the two of you choosing to work on it. But the main thing that I feel moved by is your love and commitment. For you to not settle, to not give up on you, on your dad and on your relationship with one another. For you to choose to call him, to take care with your communication and allow him to feel awkward when he did, and for you to not back away, because your love was greater. Very inspiring. Thank you.
Yes well said Golnaz, Raegan’s commitment is amazing and your comment really brings that home to me. I am very good at letting things like that slip past, often feeling there is nothing I can do to change another person’s expression of love, but Raegan’s choices and actions show me differently. It is so beautiful how we can learn from one another through very simple honesty and a great deal of love.
Thank you all for your awesome comments. My relationship with my Dad continues to develop everyday and it is very special indeed.
Hi Raegan, what you share here is so lovely. I too have a very ‘hard’ almost impersonal hug from my dad but have never even thought to give him a ‘hug lesson’. 🙂 I might have to take up your idea! I understand that it takes years of choosing to let go of old ways and open up our hearts once again but it is always… always possible. Your story is wonderful.
Natasha I too suggested to my Dad that he hug me more gently. I was stunned at how quickly he changed the way he was hugging and really opened up, I could feel my Dad as a person in the hug. Amazingly there was a hug that I actually pulled out of first because the level of exposure and intimacy was too much for me to handle at the time !
I love the idea of hug lessons, to get feedback on the quality and tenderness of your hugs, if everyone did there there would be a huge increase of love in the world.
Raegan, I loved reading this… beautiful… it just touched my heart. Just by simply expressing how you feel, instead of keeping it buried inside, your dad is now more aware to how it feels to give someone a truly loving hug. Awesome!!!
Thanks Raegan for sharing a great article showing us the subtle differences of hugs and how we can really feel the difference. You made me realise that I do hug different people in different ways, and while those differences may be subtle, they are there. I appreciate the reminder to be completely open and to ’embrace’ love with all of my hugs.
Having an awareness of how we hug and are being hugged is super lovely isn’t it, because we can subtly bring back the gentle hug to everyone. Just like Reagan and her dad, I love to re-educated people in not “squeezing the life of out me” !
As subtle as they are Rod, the difference in the true quality is worlds apart in many cases. One can feel like a meeting of the guards we put up like a wall against a wall while the other, when we truly let the other in, feels like a meeting of our hearts and an expansion of our love all around us.