For as long as I can remember I grew up thinking I didn’t love my mum and worse, I blamed my mum for everything. At the time I believed she was the cause of all my misery and if only she was different, better or like someone else’s mother, my life would be okay.
I grew up constantly trying to change my mother; constantly telling her what she was doing wrong and how she needed to change. My mum is a deeply caring person and because she cares so much, she was often doing things for others at her own expense. I remember a time when we were at the theatre; it was late and I expressed how hungry I was. My mum being the mum she was, offered to go and get me food. Sweet in itself, but for her to do that meant going out into dark deserted city streets on a cold and rainy night. I was appalled that she would want to do that, and told her so in the most unloving way.
What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.
As you would imagine my outburst did not go down too well and even though I didn’t want to see it, I really hurt my mum; to her she was offering support and love and couldn’t understand why I would react so badly. It wasn’t until I was about 26 years old that I started to realize that my quest to change my mother did not work – all it did was to cause further distress, distrust and reaction, increasing the stress on our already tenuous relationship.
What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.
From that moment on I started to look at all the ways I wanted my life to be different and what I could do to make that happen. I found this a difficult process and my solution was to cut my family out of my life. All I knew was they were hurting me and I couldn’t get them to change, so the most loving thing I could do – so I thought – was to cut them out of my life. I even told my mum that I couldn’t be around them as it hurt too much . . . ouch, my poor mum! I still remember the look on her face.
So I lived that way for a year or so, only attending ‘important’ family events, thinking what I was doing was self-loving. Then I came across the workshops presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, where (people) Serge spoke about self–responsibility and bringing love to yourself and then being that love with everyone else. Boy did the light bulbs come on!
I was not being loving with my family – I was still blaming them and I didn’t take responsibility for my own choices. I discovered I had a major issue with expression and all the things I had not expressed had bottled up inside my body like one big gaping oozing hurt. Once I started expressing how I really felt, those hurts started to decrease bit by bit.
Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.
If I had told my mum how I truly felt; that her offering to get me food on that cold and rainy night made me really sad, that I adored and cherished her more than anything else, and for her to willingly put herself in danger for me was not something I cherished but something that deeply hurt. I am sure that speaking my truth in that moment rather than reacting would have received an entirely different response.
I always envied those children who said they adored their parents. I never felt that way and it really hurt because deep down I knew I loved my mother dearly. What I have come to discover in my own healing is that my mother loves me dearly too.
We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.
Thanks to my commitment to truth, love and healing I have no more barriers in the way of just simply loving my mum.
In fact today I can joy-fully share that I not only love my mum, I adore her. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. And I am truly blessed that she is my mum.
By Caroline Raphael
Published with permission of my Mum.
Further Reading:
What Mothers Teach Daughters
Expressing Love: I Love You
Absolute Love
Beautiful sharing, Caroline. I’ve had a very similar experience with my mum. In the past, I also reacted to the reflection that she offered about me for great part of my life. I was escaping from looking in her the hardness I was into, whilst judging her for that. It was not until I surrendered to my delicacy that I couldn’t relate with her from another point. Now that I have let go that hardness in me, I’m having a very new flavour in our relationship. We are opening to each other like a flower and now I can feel the love that was always there, ready for us to encounter within it.
Blaming others for our misery and waiting around for them to change will never make us happy. Take responsibility for what we are doing in our own lives that makes us miserable and then things start to shift. Great thing about relationships is often the thing that irks us in another is exactly what we are doing to ourselves.
This is so true, ‘the only person I can change in life is me’, and yes it is both arrogant and imposing to want to change another.
It is a great moment of observation when we realise that any problem we ‘think’ we have with another has its root cause in ourselves.
Now that is being responsible.
This is what we experience when we get all the crap and all our crap out the way – that the people around us are AMAZING and totally loveable human beings.
Just love this line: “What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.” I’ve found that since I stopped blaming other people and started working on my own stuff my capacity to love has massively increased. We can put so much effort into trying to change our circumstances or the people around us but when if by virtue of changing ourselves everything else naturally changes.
I look forward when this is more widely known, ‘What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.’ I love what you share here Meg, so true.
It is a great learning to come to, that we cannot and should not expect others to change, as in this expectation we hold a picture or an outcome that we need fulfilled to ease an unsettlement within us. It does indeed expose how we impose our need for others to nullify our hurts from our choice to holding back on being and expressing love. For when we are honest with ourselves and accept our responsibility, commit healing our hurts and to being and bringing the love we are to every situation, we respond with truth and love and offer the reflection that which we all are in essence regardless of the outcome.
We hurt not just ourselves but those around us when we hold back and as I have committed more and more to expressing my truth it is beautiful to feel how this has opened up my relationships particularly with those closest to me.
It’s our choice to hold back our words and yet it seems easy to blame others for those choices. Even if in fear of being punished if we spoke up at least then we would have spoken our truth but this is not even a consideration as a child – at least I do not remember it being the case.
What a lovely thing, to admit that you adore your mother, such a thing is rarely talked about, how precious our mothers are to us, how much is the depths of our love for them, and how valuable and cherished they innately are to our lives.
So beautifully shared Caroline, I remember feeling like my mother did not love me because the love did not come in the way i thought love to be, it has only been in the last few years that i have come to realise that she did indeed love me, but that it was her hurts that caused her to hold back her love.
Our mothers can reflect so much to us regarding the things that we have to look at in ourselves, and most of the time we do not want to look at the gift that is on offer. Instead, we blame them and do not want to deal with what’s coming up for us.
“Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” . . . wise words Caroline. It is funny just how many of us do so readily blame our mothers for all our woes at one stage of our lives. I know I certainly did. This certainly explains it all . . .”We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” . . .I can really appreciate this now and have learnt so much from viewing life in this way.
This really is a beautiful sharing Caroline, so many troubled family relationships would stand a better chance if we all took responsibility in the part we play in the dynamic, for we can’t change others but we can do a lot of work on ourselves.
I loved reading your blog about your relationship with your mum Caroline, it made me think of my relationship with my mum and the one with my daughter too.
Thank you Caroline, I relate to your story in so many ways which I am sure many others do too, expressing this is a gift to the world.
Such a gorgeous read, Caroline. It helps me to ponder on my relationship roller coaster with my own mum but also to appreciate the strength of our connection. There is so much to truly value and adore in others when we get ourselves and our hurts and judgements out of the way.
What I love about this is that it allows us to look at the pictures and expectations that we hold others in and the imposition of this and how this often encourages them to push up against this.
What a beautiful blog Caroline, everything you have said in here is so true. The easiest way out is to blame our family and say that they have hurt us. But in truth, like you say, nobody can hurt us – we hurt ourselves by holding back the deep, deep love that we have.
We feel hurt and then we lash out and hurt another, mainly those closest and dearest to us. What a crazy, not at all so merry merry-go-round.
“Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” this is awesome and so true, what I love about this statement is that its a forever evolving – the more we express our feelings the more we see our expression grow – we are forever connecting and communicating and when we look beyond the person we have a chance to feel and experience the universe.
Love what you have shared Caroline, because as the feeling of being in a loving relationship evolves then we all get that deepening reflection as a true blessing of that level of love.
One of the most freeing things is being able to see and fully understand without attachment our parents choices. In this we get to see them not just for their behaviour anymore but for who they truly are inside.
Beautiful Caroline. Pondering on my mum (she is dead) … she loved and cherished me with all she knew at the time. I loved and adored her too. She is not around now but there is plenty of women I know now that I love, cherish and adore. In fact I could adore women all day. Women are sacred and need to be held in this way always.
I love reading about your journey with your mum, I absolutely adore my mum too! She is a huge huge inspiration and guiding support in my life and super super blessed am I to have her in my life.
There really is nothing better then having a relationship based on true support and deep care and love for one and other. I could keep going on and on about how much I love my mum….
‘We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.’ This is powerful in its statement and must surely apply to every relationship where we are in reaction and resentment? If its not this particular reflection, it will be another along similar lines! It makes sense to ask ourselves the question when in relationship to another… what am I being shown here… what is it that I am reacting to?
Amazing reflection Rachel, and definitely something that is well worth considering in every relationship we have. So that when we are in a loving response to another it comes with a completely different energy and we can feel the difference.
This is a great sharing as I read it, it supported me to feel how I still have expectations and judgements on my mum and the choices she makes instead of just allowing her to be and loving her fully for who she is, this is a great reflection.
“What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me” When we take responsibility for all the choices we make to live with love this can be an inspiration to others to look at the choices they are making.
Families have the potential to be an enormous vehicle of reflection in all our lives
I was amazed the other day to realise how much I had fragmented and pretzeled myself into the son my parents wanted me to be. Today I live free of this conditioning and realise that the greatest gift I can give back to my parents is living all of me in life.
‘What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me’. Wow, we spend so much time criticizing others and the world around us and wanting it and them to change all the while we have it backwards and instead learn, build and change ourselves then reflect that to the others to allow them to be inspired to change in their own time.
This tender blog highlights so beautifully the damage that ensues when we do not express in full. It also pained me to see my mother exhausting herself in her attempts to make everything alright and how I reacted to that was not supportive. My mother passed over many years ago but I feel that as I heal the issues that hold me back from expressing then all my relationships benefit and I embrace the deep love that I had for my mother and let go of the sadness that I never expressed it verbally to her.
“Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” This is brilliant and allows us to stop the blame and resentment we may carry and accept responsibility for ourselves and how we feel.
It is incredible beyond measure to feel free from the ideals, beliefs and expectations we hold towards our parents, that they are different or separate to us. This separateness is a condition that sadly is the cause of much of the suffering we experience in society. As you have shared, when we begin to embrace the love we are within, heal the hurts we have been holding onto and take responsibility for the way we feel, we begin to see that we are all not so different, our parents included. That they too have hurts they are affected by, yet underneath that they are the exact same quality of love within. More and more I am feeling the blessing of being with my parents, appreciating the love we each hold within and deeply enjoy sharing our love together.
So true – our parents are not to blame but as a society we need to take responsibility for the fact that we have been passing on our hurts from one generation to the next. Have we had enough yet?
It really is an opportunity to cherish if we can heal ourselves to the point where we have the clarity that Caroline writes about, and we can re-build the bridge back to our parents… whilst they are alive
Caroline I loved reading this blog, it brought it home to me to how I had been with my own mother. Bringing more understanding to what is reflected to us and the ultimate responsibility lies within us all for the choices we have made has taken me a while to get used to. Over time I am beginning to understand more and more this ‘R’ & ‘E’ word – responsibility & expressing – still perfecting it.
“We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” I think this explains why so many mother-daughter relationships are so verbally abusive as I experienced around me when I was growing up. We do get very much confronted with a reflection we don’t dare to see of ourselves which makes us react in many ways.
Thank you Caroline for sharing beautifully how you have come to adore your mother, Reactions send out the wrong messages and serves to separate and complicate matters. It is not normally a way of life to express our true feelings but when we do the reflection we offer can bring so much healing.
It is really joyful to see the photograph of you and your mother, Caroline. It powerfully reflects the truth of the healing of the hurts between you and within each of you. Such an inspiring testament to ‘truth, love and healing’.
Wanting people or things in life to change is quite exhausting and frustrating and is distracting us from looking at our own behaviour and pictures we have. The picture of you and your mum shows the love between you two and how adorable you two are.
Caroline, this is such a great article and this feels very true from my experience, ‘Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.’ I used to hold a lot of judgment against my family and friends, always thinking they were letting me down and that they didn’t love or care about me, I did not take responsibility for how I was and my actions and choices. Now I do, I am much more gentle and understanding with myself and am seeing more and more how very sweet and loving my family actually are, it is very sad that I could not see this before, it feels like my relationships are starting again and this time they are about love, understanding and caring rather than judgment and blame.
Thank you for such an inspiring blog Caroline, it is for sure so healing to let go of the picture how we want others to be and allow them space to be and reflect the true love that they are.
“My quest to change my mother did not work – all it did was to cause further distress, distrust and reaction, increasing the stress on our already tenuous relationship”. This could be said of any relationship, that it just doesn’t work trying to change people. I have witnessed for myself and others just how much can change through loving acceptance. This permission to be our true selves, brings out the best in us and naturally changes happen without all the trying and tension!
This is a very heart warming and inspirational blog. The more I love and appreciate my self the more I can reflect back on my mother, who has passed away, and appreciate and love her, as well as be honest, but not critical, about ways she had that were not okay. I think it is important to get real about our mothers seeing their strengths as well as their weaknesses. I have observed many people who remain in an ideal about their mother and live with a false sense of loyalty which does not serve either of them.
This topic is huge, mostly because it brings up how we love ourselves, with our mothers being the constant reflection this eternal relationship. I have definitely found that the more I choose love for myself and say no to the unloving behaviours that the women in my family have learnt to live with, the more I feel able to introduce love back in to my family of women and men – and so the cycle continues, with all of us relearning how to be loving once again.
Sometimes it is just a case of being able to get the right words out. This used to be such an issue for me when I was younger I clearly remember how this felt in my body it was horrible like I wanted to say things but could just not find the words, which then made me feel really stupid! What I have learnt is the more I connect to the love within and take care of myself the easier it is to express in many ways including speaking with others and saying what it is I want to get out!
I too used to blame my Mum And like you “What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.” Fortunately this happened a few years before she passed over – so at her passing there was no grief as I had worked through that during her last illness. The blame I felt was because I had put myself at the centre of what had happened in my childhood, which I then carried into my adult life, rather than viewing my parents’ relationships as something that was between the two of them alone.
“What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.” I can so relate to this, it feels so harsh to watch people we love harm themselves. Watching people in my life like this has been a huge lesson for me in letting go and accepting the choices they make and also for inspiring me to look after myself more.
That’s why supporting yourself is so important because until we get ourselves to a certain level we are not truly supporting another.
This is gorgeous Caroline – I can’t believe I only came across this blog now as opposed to ages ago when it was first written! Our relationships with our parents, siblings, friends etc are super important and do act as reflections for us all of the time. They are great reminders for us to keep expressing as needed. Caroline, I love the simplicity of what you have shared too in saying that when we express what we are feeling then this does not stay bottled up in our body and build as hurts which we then think we have to walk around with for the rest of our lives! Simply share and express lovingly – what a healing in itself.
What a journey and thank you for sharing. How its so easy for us to hurt the ones we love and care for deeply, mainly because we struggle to express our truth, we hold back in the fear or saying something wrong or looking stupid. But if we just spoke our truth as it is, we would not have buried hurts and we would be joyously sharing.
A great blog Caroline, and utterly inspirational.
This is so great to read, it shows how expression is everything in relationships, and thus in life. Expressing our truth is bringing an understanding to every situation, living as the sensitive beings that we are.
Hi Caroline, this comment is more in reply to your BIO “And most of all I love people. I love everything about them, all our quirky ways and funny expressions – and most of all I love nothing more than observing others care for each other, it melts me and there simply is nothing more beautiful.” I am the same and I have never heard anyone express what you have expressed. What is true for me is loving myself in this way too. Loving my quirky ways .. loving how unique I am in my ways and expression .. loving the way I dance etc etc. It sure makes loving another more joy-full feeling it in you also. Thank you Caroline .. I adore you.
WOW- the choice between not expressing truth and expressing in full is HUGE – This blog shows it in full, how we can get trapped in our hurts, not express the truth, and then the other person reacts and feels pushed away so they equally do not express their truth. When all the while if we say what is there to be said we cut any anxiousness, frustration, hurt and reaction. Our expression is medicine, it can heal relationships and is very powerful. This blog really makes me appreciate the opportunity to express all of me in full to those around me.
Caroline, I’ve been waiting to read this blog for a long time. It’s been really helpful and has really made me realise how much I have to step up with my mum and family. I related to much of what you said and am inspired by your story.
I feel the reaction to loved ones (or anyone for that matter) making unloving decisions is a reflection of the reaction we have to ourselves not living the love we know to be true in each moment. It’s a good chance to reflect on how we can deepen in our love and choose it more consistently.
It is these people that challenge us the most that we can learn a lot with about deepening our relationships as they highlight all the hurts and protection we still hold onto.
It’s so very powerful all you have shared Caroline because of the raw honesty. I can relate to believing it’s others who need to change, when in fact I am fully responsible for myself. The work of Serge Benhayon on connection to self, the Gentle Breath Meditation as part of this, and self love and self care has really supported me to give myself the love I was truly craving from others. This has allowed me to see my relationships differently, and begin to appreciate others without demanding them to be a way I need them to.
I could read this again and again, there is something very beautiful in a relationship with another when we bring honesty and share what is really coming up for us, it’s really priceless! I love how your choices to take responsibility for yourself Caroline (and just of your part) stripped away the blaming of others to a new foundation where you can now actually see each other for who you truly are. Just think how many relationships are sitting, waiting to be exposed in all their tenderness and love for one another when self-responsibility (and dealing with our hurts) is introduced. Truly inspirational – you and your beautiful mum!
Thank you Caroline. I am now the mother of adult children and have been the one who put everyone else first and rarely expressed what I was feeling. With the support and revelations at Universal Medicine I am learning to put myself equal to others and express what I am feeling. I am learning to say ‘I love you’ not only to others but also to myself and adore how it feels.
Thank you Caroline, for such a beautiful sharing. It seems that the biggest hurt we have is holding back and not expressing our love and yes it can be a challenge at times to not react to seeing others being unloving with themselves, but if we react then we too are being equally unloving.
Thank you for sharing your journey Caroline. It is very easy to fall into the trap of blaming our parents. I know for me I was disowned as a teenager by my family but I chose to continue the cycle of disregarding myself even though my family were no longer in my life. No matter what our family situation is it is our responsibility to choose self-love and nurturing and reflect this to humanity, family included. It is up to us to bring love and understanding to everyone and have the maturity to separate the person form their behaviours.
“We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” What a gift to have these ‘mirrors’ in our lives that reflect to us what is there for us to work on and the richness that is there already. This brings relationships to a whole new level, giving us space to learn, be curious and take responsibility for our own life.
Mirror mirror on the wall, offering a real reflection for people to openly and honestly support one another.
Great comment Esther.
What a great revelation –”we just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” We often do not like what we see in another because we do not want to see it in ourselves. These are the moments when we have to stop and feel what is really going on in us.
Oh this is a big one! “We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections…” Hearing this line has supported me to look more closely to the reflections that surround me, that I am sure it is no coincidence that I am around. We have so much to learn from each other and as we all reclaim our own self-responsibility and self-healing in life we become the true reflections that everyone needs to see, of ‘how to do it’ not just ‘how not to do it’.
Thank you Caroline it is beautiful to read you expressing your love and appreciation for your mum so openly. I also was hurt by my family and made the same choice to avoid them as much as I could but this only lead to building up more hurt and shutting down to them. For many years with the support of Universal Medicine presentations, I have learnt to self-love and to deepen the relationship with myself and this has been key to me truly connecting and healing the relationships with my family. I am more accepting and appreciative of all the qualities each of my family members bring and I now look forward to connecting with them and enjoying our time together.
Speaking the truth about how we feel instead of going into reaction with blame and shame, can bring families together when hurts are expressed and let go of with a greater depth of love and understanding. So beautiful to come to this understanding love with your Mum.
Family dynamics can be hard work especially when we hold on to our hurts and allow emotions to come into the picture. Letting go of hurts and pictures supports us with understanding and appreciation of where people are coming from.
There is a pattern that I share with you Caroline – that as I tried to ‘find myself’ I rejected much of what my parents had to offer in a truly unloving and quite brutal way. It must have been an awful experience for them both. I’m pleased to say that is a long distant memory now, and I got to express all the love, tenderness and deep appreciation I felt for my Mum before she died – I know she felt every ounce of it and it was far and away the best gift I’ve ever given… just me.
If we take responsibility for our own ‘stuff’ and hurts this article shows how very simple our relationships can become.
Thank you for this sharing Caroline.
It makes me realise that growing up, I used to blame my mum for a lot too – always leaving me with my grandparents, always busy – I even said I would prefer if my grandma was my mum. But what I didn’t express was how much I saw mum pushing herself and living in a hardness that I knew was not her. Now I can say that to her. Now she has come back to the gentle, delicate woman she always was but never showed – and it is gorgeous to see this everyday, and I deeply appreciate who she is. But this had to come from my responsibility to see the truth and not the reaction. How we live and how we choose to either respond or react to things plays a huge part in our lives.
What stuck out for me in your blog was the fact that you and your mum served as each other’s reflections, throwing back at each other ‘all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves’. So the blame and the judgement – great indications in themselves of how you were treating yourselves. Often our greatest mirrors are in our families.
I can remember observing my mum a lot when I was growing up and all I wanted was for her to have fun, enjoy life and love herself. But looking back, I was stressed and not just being me and enjoying life by thinking she had to change. I’ve learnt now thank goodness, but can still fall into this pattern at times, that we can never impose or make someone change, and one of the most harming things to both involved is to sympathise with another. Learning to love myself and where I’m at supports me to love and understand where others are at.
We can expend a huge amount of energy trying to change the people and the world around us and I know I certainly have put much effort into doing this in the past. But like you Caroline I am realising more and more that it is ultimately futile for the only person I have the power to change is me.
We can expend a huge amount of energy trying to change the people and the world around us and I know I certainly have put much effort into doing this in the past. But like you Caroline I am realising more and more that it is ultimately futile for the only person I have the power to change is me.
Blame is a futile activity that only serves to keep us locked in a vicious circle of helplessness and irresponsibility.
We have mothers day coming up here in England soon and how I would love your experience to be front page news so everyone can read how it is possible to change relationships around. Thank you Caroline for sharing your connection with your mum- a true power couple!
Our bodies know truth, but what is not of truth is governing our world and us, the people today. We think we know better seeing this but the truth is no one wants to see how hurtful it is. Not wanting to see it we wish to eradicate it all, but by this action stemmed from judgement and non-acceptance, we are kept in the prison of what is not true. We are in this together. What you have shared Caroline, is Expression is the game changer, and how we express goes back to the choice of how we move our bodies in everything we do in life.
Being inspired by a blog on appreciation I have recently started texting my mum everyday something I appreciate about myself and she has texted me back something she appreciates about herself. This has been deeply healing for both of us and has improved the love and acceptance between us no end.
Wow gorgeous Samantha, thank you for sharing.
This is such an inspiring blog to read. I still have a lot of ‘issues’ as we say with my brothers and yet I love them dearly too. This is putting me in touch again to look more closely at my own behaviour and to commit more deeply to changing what needs to change in me.
Acceptance and appreciation are huge healers! Now when I have an ‘issue’ with anyone I look first at my own expectations, often I have created a image of how I think people should be or how situations should play out. Dropping this image allows for real acceptance and evolution.
So healing to read that you are prepared to look at your behaviours Elaine, instead of focusing on how to get others to change. Blame in our society is huge and something that is holding us all back from evolving to the love we all could be living.
This relationship between mother and daughter can be the source of so much tension, I know we certainly had it in my home growing up and I never thought it would be any other way, and I don’t reckon my mum did either. But somehow, even after living through some of the toughest times, we have been able to come back together again in a very supportive and loving relationship, where we can call on eachothers strengths and appreciate all that the other one has to offer. And I now am able to deeply appreciate the wisdom of experience that my mother has and the love that she offers it to me with.
Looking back at Mother/Daughter relationships – much is damaged by the images people have about the way they should be. There is much expectation around what is to be provided and how one is to be held. I loved your understanding of the truth in your relationship with your mum Caroline and your comment – ‘Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings’. We are the physical existence of love and all we need to do is bring it – this is our expression free of expectations and pictures of the way it is meant to be.
This is so gorgeous Caroline, and I have learned much from reading your blog! To truly be in relationship with people means we let them in, and constantly develop the relationship based on love. I know from experience that keeping people out and blaming them for things that hurt me does not work, it creates a feeling of separation between me and them. I really got a lot from your sharing about lovingly communicating rather than exploding with a reaction, as there is no judgement in the latter but rather an honest sharing. Its far better to say “I feel hurt” and communicate feelings than it is to constantly react and bicker.
I agree totally Harrison, it is far better to express a hurt and be open to what the other has to say than constantly react and bicker. One of my greatest learnings was never to assume I knew what the other person was going to say back. I can honestly say every time I have expressed I have been blown away by the other persons response and learnt a lot. True communication and expression is being open to the other and never making it about right and wrong. To do that means the hurt wins and we all lose.
I know the game of wrong and right really really well! I have played this game too often. For a long time it seemed my natural defence when feeling hurt to go into judgement and blame. Seeing the harm this does to both me and the other person has enabled me to change this pattern.
It seems to me there is so much blame in the world, it is literally everywhere and the worse thing is instead of being encouraged to take responsibility for our own actions our society actively promotes and encourages blame.
For example I have received lots of cold calls from companies asking if I have been in an accident and did I want to take action against them, many of them sound shocked when I say no I do not want to sue them or take any action. We have become a society that gets off on blaming another, loveless behaviour like this is so far from who we are. Very refreshing to read and feel blogs like this when people are taking responsibility for themselves – to read this is extremely healing and inspiring.
“What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.” Yes trying to change others only increases our disconnection from those we love. Our responsibility lies in our own choices to evolve and grow for ourselves first. This is a truly gorgeous reflection for all too.
Hi Kelly, I really loved what you wrote here. “trying to change others only increases our disconnection from those we love. Our responsibility lies in our own choices to evolve and grow for ourselves first. This is a truly gorgeous reflection for all too” What you so clearly expose here is that any separation with another starts first with ourselves and the choices we make. A total pill of responsibility and one is needed in these current times of preferring to blame others. Thank you Kelly for expanding the point. True Evolution in action.
I can’t understand why I react so badly to family. But I am slowly coming to shed light on what is stopping me from moving into a more loving space with them – because it is crazy – I love them so much but struggle to be love with them. Something I am deeply exploring is looking into the INVESTMENT I have with them. So when I come to express, I am now asking, what is stopping me from speaking from the love I have for them and reacting instead from hurts? For me I can feel an investment I have is to be liked by them. This feels huge – it is indulgent and so all about me. As I have built love for myself I don’t have such a need and investment for them to like me and feed me my missing love. Thus, I have an increased ability to move into a space to express more of what really is going on. This is slowly building for me; I feel the anxiousness in my body as I first worry about what they may think, then I pause, feel the steadiness of me, and feel the true love I really do have for the person. I love feeling the responsibility I can feel in this situation, as I understand by being steady and holding us all in love I am expanding our relationship by providing an opportunity for us all to move through our hurts and move to a deeper and more loving relationship. It now feels very selfish to allow myself to go into hurts or reactions – there is so much on offer when love becomes the number one goal.
I cannot believe the irresponsibility and difference I feel when expressing with my own family compared to those outside of my home. Outside of my family I am open, let people in, am joyful, have a laugh and incredibly loving. As soon as I’m with family it can be different and I can shut down. This is just not on and grossly disrespectful to my family and also me. Recently I am exploring the reasons for this because I do not want it to be like this. I want to be open and loving and delicious with my own family as I am with work colleagues, neighbours, friends etc. What I am coming to understand is that family reflect so many of my hurts and issues. Our first reaction is to react and shy away from them. But as you so beautifully share Caroline, when we move from issue and the hurt and allow the space to feel what is really happening we can feel more clearly what is really going on. I am understanding how we cannot have pockets of being loving with some people in our lives but not all. It now feels irresponsible and abusive. Family are an incredible reflection to highlight issues we have not yet dealt with; to not face them for the golden opportunity they provide is a shame; to believe that we are full loving beings because we are great colleagues and friends but then have not as respectful and loving relationships at home allows us to live in a comfort and is disrespectful to the full loving being we can be. We simply need to address our issues and hurts – just ask your family – they will press the buttons and show you the way to a more loving you! See them for the full blessing they provide. They are in our lives for a reason.
Wow Susan, how important to realise the impact of that on any future relationships. Inspiring.
Thank you Caroline, I had to come back here after spending 3 glorious weeks on my own with my mum, the first time in 30 years! I was so surprised when people we met said they couldn’t spend that time with their children or parents – I had an absolute blast. We had such great talks, walks, meals, we supported each other, we laughed with each other, we talked about some of the hard things that had happened in each of our lives and how we felt about them know. She is the most wonderful presence in my life and having spent this time with her I am truly appreciating the divine deliciousness of her (yes divine deliciousness!!!) What a gift I was offered to be able to have that time.
Beautiful to read Lucy, thank you for sharing. I recently spent 3 weeks away with my mum and we equally had a blast. Part of that was also with my brothers mum, so the 3 women of the family on holidays together. That two is practically unheard of, but we all had a great time enjoying each others company. There really is something to this Way of the Livingness.
Re-reading this article again, as I also am spending some quality time with my Mum and family, the first in a few years is beautiful and supportive. And what is becoming abundantly clear to me as I spend time with her and my whole family is the importance to not go into my hurts. In fact it is so much more than important, it is an absolute responsibility. If I react or go into a hurt it takes away the opportunity to explore and see what it is that is getting in the way of the full expression trying to be expressed. I am exploring not going into the hurt and discovering that allowing space to feel what is really going on, is providing the opportunity and discussion for both parties to clear what is getting in the way of begin more love with each other. How amazing – we are opening to expand and be more love with each other daily.
Re-reading your sharing again today Caroline has given me a light bulb moment to reflect on all the ways that as a child and adult that I so wanted my mother (who has since passed away) to change what I felt to be self destructive patterns in her life. I could feel and see them so clearly but no matter how I tried to explain this it fell on deaf ears. Like you until I attended Universal Medicine workshops/presentations with Serge Benhayon did I ever consider that we were reflecting to each other constantly and yet not truly expressing. With my family around me now – big changes are taking place so with my opening up and expressing more openly (not holding back) and sharing this, it is giving them the space for them to make their own choices and live in the ways they choose too. I give myself permission to do just the same.
” We just happened to be each others biggest reflection constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves”. I love this statement and can really relate to it, thanks Caroline
I am going to share this blog with my own mum as I see many similarities. It really is only in the last few years that I have started to fully appreciate all that mum is and the magic she brings. Thank God I can see that now and enjoy the blessing of us being good friends. For quite a few years I was lost in wanting my parents to be something different, I can now see how imposing that was on them. It is gorgeous to now see them for who they truly are rather then get frustrated with what they are not.
Samantha, I love everything you have shared here. As I have healed my relationship with my mum, dad and whole family something that has deeply humbled me is just how much they always knew me and truly loved me. I held a misguided belief that they didn’t care or didn’t know me, when in truth they have always known and loved me. As I have surrendered to myself I have opened up to them and discovered love like I never imagined.
Thats absolutely beautiful Caroline and very inspirational.
Wow Caroline what you say here is the antidote to all family ‘issues’ -when we surrender to ourselves and open up we discover we are really really loved. When we are closed off we do not see or feel the love from another.
Very true Samantha, expecting others to be for you what you are not prepared to be for yourself is at the core of so many relationship issues.
I love how my relationship with my mother has changed because I have let go of a need. The need to change her, to fix her and also to see her only as my mother. The more I see myself less as the daughter and more as the full woman that I am, the more I can see my mother like that as well. Then there is an equality between us and this feel absolutely lovely. This does not mean that I have to call more or do certain things, but it is in the energy that I am and with her.
The other day I realised that I was no longer looking to my mum for approval like I had done all my life – albeit in a complicated way. It is something I didn’t do over night despite knowing in my head that here was a woman who also didn’t have a sense of who she is but was also clinging to roles she performed for her identity and self worth. How could she give what she didn’t have to give? And how crazy of me to do all I could to gain her approval? Letting go of holding her to ransom before I fully loved all of who she is is allowing me to appreciate just how lovely she is — and I am because that resentment and bitterness feels so,so toxic.
I have little light bulbs turn on all the time now being a Mother myself, when my children do to me what I did to my Mum. Many times I cringe realising that’s how it would have felt for Mum when I did that or said that! It’s helped me to appreciate my Mum more and connect together as two beautiful wise women.
This is truly beautiful and deeply healing to read Caroline as it reminds me to let go of any hurts I am still carrying from my relationship with my parents. I can feel how I have also held back from expressing my love to my parents, expecting it from them first and then blaming them when I didn’t receive it. An amazing turnaround Caroline and I am now feeling inspired to also deepen the love within my relationships.
Very profound Anna, we look for others to give us what we are not giving ourselves and the whole time not discerning whether they have it to give or not. Or do we? Are we more aware than we realise and ask another to give us something we know they can’t give to confirm to us that we are not worth it so we don’t have to give it to ourselves. The greatest challenge is developing our own self love and not trying to get it from another.
I was inspired too by the blog to let go of all the issues and open my heart for my mother. After many months of not seeing her i visited her yesterday and i could look at her with love and appreciation. Beautiful!
Thats awesome Janina, our parents offers such great reflections and there is so much we can learn from them, being open to this is to bring true evolution into the relationship.
I agree Gill, sometimes we make things so complicated where really it is quite simple. The complication keeps us away from ourselves and away from that true connection with others.
Since I have taken more responsibility for my life and outcomes, my relationship with my Mum has changed too. And for this I am so grateful. I spent years thinking Mum needed to change and everthing would then be ok.. in her world and in mine, how wrong could I have been? It so dangerous not to mention plain and simple ignorant to assume this posture. Certainly my world has changed because I have changed and this has then impacted the quality of my relationship with Mum. Caroline your article inspires me to do more toward healing my relationship with my mother, thanks for sharing your experiences.
So lovely the picture of you Caroline and your mother. I have looked at it many times and each time such a joy to feel the connection and love between you both.
This is so inspiring reading your blog Caroline and how you have transformed and healed the issues which stood in the way to love and adore your mother.
Beautiful Caroline thank you such honesty and commitment to healing and you show how much this is really worth everything. I really love your knowing and sharing that “Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” This is so true and comes from a deep wisdom and love yourself.
Such a great sharing Tricia.
If we understand that we can only hurt ourselves, then we don’t have to protect and hold on to hurts which are only excuses not to be the love that we are with ourselves and others.
It’s funny that I came across your inspiring blog this morning Caroline, as I sit here writing this comment at my mums house, having not seen her for months as she now lives interstate. Your article has allowed me to reflect and appreciate my own mum, while absolutely relating to what you shared. It wasn’t until I grew up and started to take responsibility for myself, dealing with my accumulated hurts and the ‘pay attention to me frustrations’ as mum did a billion things at once, was I able to build a true relationship with my gorgeous mum. So now when people say you are just like your mother… I know it is not an insult, it is an absolute honour. ☺
Love your comment Emilia, I too now feel it an absolute honour to be like my mother. I used to hold such judgment and blame towards her, when I started to take responsibility for my own life I woke up and saw the beautiful amazing women that she is and always had been. Now everyday I celebrate what an amazing mum I have.
We can remain arrogant and ignorant about our issues as being just that, ours and instead, transfer onto others, our stuff with no love at all, just using a diversion from something that will eventually come back around to be dealt with anyway. Better to look at it up front so it doesn’t come back to bite you. That’s loving self responsibility.
I love what you say here Julie, how blame is nothing more than an arrogance and ignorance to blame another for something we are unprepared to look at in our own lives and take responsibility for. With so much blame in the world it would be easy to say that there is much that goes on undealt with and hence the true state of the world. You can only run for your hurts for so long before they eventually catch up with you.
Yes I agree Caroline, it doesn’t matter if we try and push them down or avoid them, our hurts will always surface somewhere and with someone. That’s what I’ve experienced… and what’s funny and it has made me laugh is seeing people around me now, acting just the same as my family living in another country. Its been amazing and great opportunity to see things differently, its helped deepen my relationship with myself and my family.
So true Caroline, as soon as I could I ran away traveling on and off for ten years, it wasn’t until I came across Universal Medicine that I stopped and looked at why I had been running. I came back home and committed to dealing with my stuff and developing a stronger more loving relationship with my family and guess what it worked. For many years I was blind to the truth of what they were presenting to me.
The world is set up to blame others and specifically our parents for our issues and hurts. This is an absolute absurd cycle of passing on the responsibility to others. Responsibility is love and love starts with self love. So why are we so resistant to being love and responsibility? This is such an awesome and consciousness breaking blog, thank you Caroline!!
Rachel what I got when reading your comment is we avoid responsibility because it hurts to know how irresponsible we have been. Yet whilst we continue to be irresponsible we continue to rack up the hurt. A vicious cycle that no one wins.
Blame just breeds more blame and more negativity, I know I can still get caught in blaming my partner for how I feel, this is crazy as I am the only one responsible for my own feelings!
During those busy ups and downs with my mother – the ‘ups’ came when we made time for each other to ‘express’ openly of what we were feeling. You’ve guessed it the ‘downs’ of which there was many was when that gateway of communication was tightly closed. The guards would go up and then blinkered responses and reactions a plenty would take over. A big lesson to appreciate that expression IS everything.
This is so great Marion and would make a great study. Reflect back on your day and if it feels like it was an “up” assess how much you expressed and if it was a “down” assess how much you didn’t express. The quality of our day will surely be measured by the quality of our expression and as you so beautifully share “expression is everything”. Thank you.
Gosh reading this beautiful blog today I could feel just how what you share Caroline resonated deep within myself. (I feel sure many others also) I had a very bumpy relationship with my mother. Looking back as she has now since passed away I always felt a deep sadness with her and that she felt that she was never ‘enough’ no matter how hard she worked to please others to show that she cared. In your words “We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves”. That so touched me deeply. It is no coincidence that I read this today. Thank you.
My mum just turned 75 yesterday. She celebrated it with 35 female friends and her three daughters. The weeks before during preparation it gave me time to ponder upon our relationship. I wondered what it was about being her daughter and if I could consider her my friend as her friends did. I realized that with the ‘daughter role’ there were still old things (perspectives, old stories etc.) attached. As I am a grown up woman, I could all of a sudden see her and who she was in fullness – the woman she was beyond the ‘mother role’. I saw a loving, humorful, dear, deeply caring, artistic delicate woman loved by so many, including me. I spoke to her yesterday and told her that when I was born a mother was born as well. But during the years a friendship was born as well and I am very joyful to have her in my life as a dear friend.
It is funny I have also felt similar if not had the same feelings towards my mother, how she hides from the power that she is and constantly looking out to make sure everything is ok… I took on the same behaviours and still catch myself seeking outside of myself for approval but I now know that I am doing it and that I actually really don’t like how it feels. Even though it is nowhere near as often as it used to be, and so obvious and I can still catch myself going into it. Letting go of this and truly believing and claiming that I am Everything is a truth that I am getting closer and closer to accepting and knowing it to be true, and this is feeling amazing when I am living this.
It’s my mothers’ 90th birthday coming up at the end of the month and I find myself reflecting on the fact that our relationship has spanned almost 60 years. Wow, we have been through so much together and apart. Regardless of distance or differences, through all the years and all the changes she has been there for me and our foundation of love has remained steadfast. It’s beautiful to now look on her as yes, my dear mother but, more so my treasured life long friend.
There are loads and loads of golden nuggets offered in this blog and one that stands out for me right now is “Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” This is fantastic, you have totally taken away the blame mentality which many of us carry. Blame leads nowhere except to more misery and you have shown us that by removing this we allow for deeper love. PS: what a glorious photo, you can feel the love between you and you both look super beautiful.
Yes Gill it is about taking responsibility for our reactions and looking at ourselves as why this has happened. The other part of this is also understanding and accepting where people are at especially our family as we can be so harsh and judgmental with people that are closest to us.
I love how you have distinguished between loving your mother, and adoring her. I often find that people don’t express enough how much they adore someone and simply call it love, when it is so much more freeing to call it for what it is – adoring of a person for all that they are.
Great comment Rebecca, and this is so true. It seems to be about embracing the gift that each word brings.
I love coming back to read this Caroline, the love, respect and joy that jumps off the page is paramount. It truly go there and feel what you have with your Mum is truly inspiring.
My mum is celebrating her birthday this Sunday and my father, my sisters and myself are planning a lunch for her with all her friends. The whole planning of this lunch already feels so loving. Celebrating my mother in this way feels absolutely wonderful, for the gorgeous beautiful and loving woman that she is.
Holding back our expression really hurts. For me it can often result in a physical pain manifesting as a constriction in my throat or a tightening of my chest. My body really lets me know when I am not expressing what I am feeling.
Yes Jane so true it really does hurt when we hold back on our expression and our bodies are great indicators of this. Allowing ourselves to express the love we feel for one and another is a truly freeing experience and there is nothing quite like it when expressed and received.
“She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me and I am truly blessed that she is my mum.” This is amazing and really touching how you describe your journey back loving and adoring your mum.
I loved this blog Caròline it will touch the hearts of many. It explains that emotional drama, doesn’t get us anywhere, it just causes causes more pain. It makes so much more sense to express our true feelings with love. I also loved what you said…” The only person I had the power to change was me”
Wow Caroline, how extraordinary to go from cutting them out of your life to this. I love it because I can see how often we blame those who are closest to us, cut them out and then play the victim. Taking responisibility opens so many shut doors.
Golden Lucy, “Taking responsibility opens so many shut doors”. Irony is we think others have shut doors on us when in truth it is us who shuts doors when we choose irresponsibility over responsibility.
Taking responsibility is huge. When one does the tension disappears and the natural flow and order of things, including relationships, resumes.
Caroline, I was touched by your blog and how you have now connected to your love for your mum. It’s a good demonstration of how lack of expression puts barriers between us which can even be there for a lifetime. Like your mum I have put others first and while it might seem to be supportive it was often not really appreciated, for what people truly want to see is me being me, not me living my life for others.
My mother recently joined me at a presentation in Sydney by Serge Benhayon. At the end she was inspired “…to commit to speaking her truth from now on”. Which she is doing! This has been HUGE because now she is not reacting to me loving, honouring and caring for myself, and I am not reacting to her not caring for and honouring herself, and she is starting to consider herself worthy of being honoured and our relationship has shifted from a stuck in the mud stalemate status to a truer relationship. It is a wonderful thing when we let go and chose to love and be loved by our mums. Great blog Caroline.
It makes me smile every time i see the photo of you and mum, this is such a sweet, humble article. I find it deeply inspiring and it is very healing for me to read.
I truly appreciate this blog Caroline for what you describe about your relationship with your mother is quite common. We find it difficult to let others be and accept their choices because we don’t like what they reflect back to us. When the basis of your life is focussing on yourself, developing love, taking responsibility for our choices and reactions, loving and appreciating ourself for the great beauty that lives inside, than it’s far more easy to love others unconditionally and to let go of all the expectations we project onto them. Can you imagine how freeing that is for everyone?
To get to the understanding and awareness you have is gorgeous Caroline. I love what you shared about constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we do not love and adore ourselves…when we stop reacting to these, we can use them to guide our way and learn to offer ourselves the love and adoration we deserve.
So true Samantha. Our reactions so get in the way of our learning. Honesty is the key!
I have just spent a few gorgeous days with my mum and I am really appreciating the delicate woman she is . She has significant memory problems now, possibly related to choices she has made in the past resulting in her always putting others before herself. It is lovely to see her doing little things for herself now and our relationship is one of joy, love and sharing.
I agree with you Jenny about the power of our choices …our choices can change our lives and also affect many other peoples lives as well. I too am so glad that I have Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine in my life. The rest of the world will too one day….they just don’t know it yet.
I too did not express “how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.” This was really hard and use to upset me and I use to get angry but was not able to express myself. But now I am openly able to express with my mother. My mother also now puts herself first.
Caroline, as I visit the web site ‘Everyday Livingness, the joy in the beautiful and gorgeous photograph of you with you mother together just touches every particle in my body and I feel this enormous love expanding my chest area and lights up my day.
Thank you!
This is a beautiful story Caroline,and one we can all learn so much from. Coming to the realisation that the only one you had the power to change was the key. It also made me look more deeply at the relationships I have within my own family and what they are reflecting to me.
I enjoyed re-reading your blog Caroline. I was reminded of the relationship I had with my daughter when she was growing up where I made a a lot of choices where I made myself very busy caring for her and her brothers but had no clue that I was neglecting myself badly in the process. I remember her complaining that she wished I was like other mothers at one stage and when I asked her what she meant by this, she struggled to explain. Since coming to understand that mothering actually starts with self love, I now get that part of her knew that I was off track and was missing the cues for what she really needed as a child. As I am developing and reflecting more self love our relationship is strengthening. Thank you, your high level of self regard shines through in your blog.
This is a gorgeous sharing Helen, and beautiful to hear the other side of the story. I would love to read more as a blog, that is if you feel like writing it. We have so much to learn from each other, we are all living sciences of our own experiences and when shared we can support each other greatly. Much appreciation Caroline.
Helen, what you have shared is huge! I now understand what my children have been saying to me…. and how I was saying the same things to my Mum at their age! Like ‘Mum your always working’ or ‘Do you want to do this with me?’ and me saying no because I think I’m too busy… but really I’m missing the loving clues they offer me to stop and connect. Wow, so many light bulbs… thank you Helen.
Gill so wonderfully and truthfully put – there is complication we choose to create a picture of what things should be like. I have done a similar thing with my own family – at times my mum – times where I choose not to speak with them yet this hurts all of us not just the person I choose not to talk to. As the teachings of Universal Medicine have allowed me to see and feel what is true and what is not I have embarked on reconnecting with my family and whilst not easy the simplicity of a phone call to say hello or a text message is opening us all up to knowing how much we love each other.
Lee I love how you offer such a practical and simple suggestion to keep the relationship open with your family. You hear of so many families who shut each other out for years or even forever.
This is a great and simple approach Sally that you have shared here. Being open and willing to listen and understand each other is what keeps our family connections growing and when we are faced with challenging situations we are able to support one another with more love and understanding that has been built from the foundation of openness.
This could have been my story with my mother, and some parts still are as I learn to love myself more, and in turn her. Quite often I allow hurt in myself by others actions of so called ‘love’, losing my understanding, love and myself in the process. I adore you and your commitment to love Caroline, I’m so inspired to feel how when one holds themselves in complete love, hurt cannot penetrate and find a home within.
Not wanting to really look at or accept how held back my mum was before she passed for me was a way to ignore the reflection of my own life choices and take responsibility and choose differently. From those few moments near the end in hospital where my mother opened her eyes and spoke to us all as clear as day, expressing her love and appreciation for us all, I saw and felt more of my mother than I had ever felt. Since then there are lots of moments when I reflect on her and the love and appreciation I feel for my mother is growing and growing so beautifully.
I can see how much you adore your Mum in the photo. Now that I have let go of the judgements that I have made of my parents, I have come to feel how much adore them too. My father, who has been absent most of my life, I love very much. Not for anything he has done, but just for being him. I have come to see what a loving and tender man he actually is.
What you have so openly shared Caroline is beautiful. I am finding that the more honestly and lovingly I express, and allow/accept others as they are, the love and respect between us just naturally grows.
It is wonderful to read this “Thanks to my commitment to truth, love and healing I have no more barriers in the way of just simply loving my mum.” I am reminded how often competition, comparison and past hurts get in the way of having a true open relationship between mother and daughter, an din fact any relationship. Being committed to healing and being truthful is a fantastic way of supporting relationship to flourish.
Samantha, this line is Golden; “Being committed to healing and being truthful is a fantastic way of supporting relationship to flourish.” This should be the mandate of all mandates. I Commit to healing and to being truthful because I love others and they deserve nothing less” Too much? Maybe for some but it is the only way back to true brotherhood and love for all.
The worst thing about this hurt game is whilst we continue to hold onto our hurts, we not only continue to hurt ourselves we also continue to hurt all those around us. A cycle of hurt that goes around and around, unbroken till someone has the courage to face their inner hurts, no easy feat I know. But till it is chosen there is no way forward other than to continually feed the cycles of hurt. It is only when someone is able to step out of this cycle are they able to truly support another to do the same, for without the step out you are within reflecting and reacting to whatever hurt triggers your hurt. It is a numbers game and we need more out than in.
I was at my parents yesterday and I just realized that as long as I want something from them, just because they are my parents, I cannot have a true and intimate relationship with them. Because that what I want, is standing in the way of seeing them for who they truly are. I could feel yesterday how absolutely loving and sweet my parents are and this has to do with my own deepening of understanding and compassion.
Great point Mariette, we often prevent the actual relationship we always wanted with our parents by constantly looking for their approval. Getting someone’s approval is one thing, but allowing ourselves to be loving with them is quite another.
Super duper truth Elizabeth. If we want approval from our parents (or anyone) it pollutes the relationship before it has a chance to take off. The pure fuel of love between us is what is needed to get that plane of joy off the ground and give wings to our true expression.
My Mum has been dead for over 30 years but reading your blog Caroline helped me to re-connect with just how much I loved and adored her. It wasn’t always easy with my Mum but that does not change the fact that I adored her.
Beautifully said Martin and very wise. The more we take responsibility for our own choices in life the less we blame our parents because taking responsibility for ourselves beings deep understanding.
This was a beautiful story Caroline and it resonates with me so deeply as I experienced a similer relationship with my mother, however since being involved with Universal Medicine and dealing with my own issues, I now have a deeper understanding and appreciation for her.
Hi Caroline, my Mum got me out of bed every morning and made breakfast
for me without fail for twenty five years. I expect I mumbled a thank you or a that was nice but I totally took her for granted because she was always there for me and I don’t remember ever really showing her any appreciation, just like she did with her own Mum.
Caroline that is a beautiful sharing. I can relate too much of your story having not taken responsibility in the past and judged, blamed and criticised other people rather than look at myself and feel my own deep hurts and take responsibility for my part in the situation. Now I am aware of this I take everything back to me gently and honestly take responsibility for my choices rather than react to the situation.
It is s beautiful to read of a woman completely healing and coming to the absolute truth of her relationship with her mother. I am yet to fully understand why so many of us have these problematic relationships with our mothers because, deep down, I feel we all adore our mothers. To me, mothers are like the rising and the setting of the sun; so totally there and integral to our lives that we seem to be able to ignore them, just as we so often ignore the rising and setting sun each day. But, boy, would we be in trouble if the sun did not shine….the same with mothers…boy, would we notice their absence if they were to leave us. These two phenomena, the sun and mothers, are so natural that we have little concept of what life would be like without them.
“What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.” Ouch – I’m still trying to change other people – no wonder I am exhausted, and it’s totally imposing. I know I do not like it when someone else is doing this to me, yet what I have realised from this one line is I am still trying to make everything okay, completely arrogant, in life in general. I can’t do that – as you say I only have the power to change me.
But then I would say by only having the power to change ourselves and the choices we make this is deeply powerful in itself – as by reflection rather than trying to make or forcing another to change – it allow an other, by their own free will to make different choices too.
You said it Gyl, trying to change people is imposing. Since I gave up trying to change my son he has opened his heart to me and our relationship is so much simpler and more joyful because I am now allowing him to just be himself.
When you share Caroline about expressing to your mum how it really felt about what she was doing, “What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.” I have been doing this too, rather than getting angry at her, as in truth it hurts and makes me sad to see my mum doing everything for others before taking care of herself, I am learning to express what I am really feeling, or to come back, maybe after I have got angry, and apologised and expressed why. It’s amazing to see the transformation in our relationship, it’s huge, we have opened up so much more with each other and it keeps evolving.
Thank you Caroline, if I’m honest this brought tears to my eyes reading this, as I adore my mum too. For so long I have given her such a hard time, and not stopped to really appreciate and value just how gorgeous, sensitive and deeply caring she is. I would nearly always get frustrated and angry at her doing everything for everyone else – because I cared too, but maybe not the best way to show it. Instead of seeing “because she cares so much, she was often doing things for others at her own expense.” Even when she sees things in life, on the news in papers etc, she will say that’s not okay and speak out about whats not loving. Our relationship has changed a lot recently and is still evolving, but rather than get sad at her, I am going to focus on and appreciate my mum and what is true about her – how deeply loving, sensitive and caring she is.
I love your photo of you and your mum Caroline. The love you have for her comes right through your body and it is so joyful to look at!
It’s amazing how much we expect from others when we are not living in our own truth and fullness and mothers probably get the bulk of the blame!
It is only in recent years that I have been able to truly feel and appreciate what my mum did for her children always at the expense of herself. I cannot change how she chooses to live but I can appreciate and allow her to make the choices she does in a more loving way.
I agree Anne that it is incredible how much we blame our parents for everything that has gone wrong in our lives when we ourselves then go on to do exactly the same behaviour. Sooner or later we have to get off that merry-go-round and to heal our hurts so that we can learn to appreciate the love that is there. Underneath the hurt is always love as Caroline’s blog demonstrates.
Exactly Elizabeth. That merry-go-round has been going around for eons and has not served anyone. The power in expressing ourselves is huge and provides a learning for us all.
Totally Elizabeth and Jinya. We have been caught in the merry-go-round of emotional drama for aeons . . . and as well there are books and movies a-plenty that re-hash this scenario over and over again. What meagre satisfaction can be gleaned from that ?? It is only, as you have said Jinya, expression that will break the vicious cycle, expression from the observational, loving and all-wise heart about how we are feeling.
Stunning blog – thank you Caroline. I can relate so much and had a very similar reaction to my mother – always blaming her and holding onto a lot of sadness around how she acted… I didn’t look at myself for a very long time, thinking it was just her that needed to change. When I chose to be more responsible for my life and to heal my hurts and look at where I was holding back, my relationship with my mother changed immediately. Her behaviours didn’t change, but my relationship with her did because of the way I was with her. As I built love and care within myself I was able to bring more understanding and love to her – this certainly didn’t’ mean accepting things that didn’t feel right, I got much better at not allowing abuse as well as not waging abuse on her through my judgements. I can really see the alchemy that occurs when we choose love in our own lives and how this changes our perception of others, brings understanding and certainly deepens our relationships. And to think I wasted so many years on blaming and being a victim… whilst not considering the powerful and central role that I can play in my own life – through choosing love!
That’s such a significant point, Sarah, that we wage abuse on others through our judgement of them. Moreover, we all know, because we can feel it, when another is judging us, even without words – with a look, with a holding back of warmth, with a cold shoulder, an intentional ignoring. Each of these is indeed an abuse on both ourselves and on the intended recipient: we are not in love as we express such things and the other feels our thinly veiled judgement of them. How different to an interaction where there is a loving exchange on both sides.
I can absolutely relate to what you share here Sarah. I always blamed my Mum for being imposible to be with instead of looking how unloving I was. This arrogance I hold that she needed to change was tremendous. Today we have a very different relationship one that focuses more on spending time together, enjoying each other and appreciating. I feel there si still a long way to go to deeply re-connect, but the culture of blaming has been exposed and the culture of responsibility is now lived.
Rachel, this is music to my ears; “the culture of blaming has been exposed and the culture of responsibility is now lived”. Now that to me is a subject I would study at school or University, practical and real support for getting through life and then supporting others to do the same. Very few really get to see or feel how they are living a culture of blame and irresponsibility, not that they want it to be this way, it is just we have been encouraged to live irresponsible in so many ways that we stop being aware. Imagine the first time someone drinks and brings anger into the home and everyone called it for what it is “irresponsible” before long that behaviour would no longer exist. Yet today we live in a world where alcohol consumption is one of the major contributors to domestic violence and we shake our heads at it but we do very little to change it. How is it okay for a persons sports team to lose and come home and take it out on the person waiting for you at home? I know we all know it is not, yet there is such a complacency of that is how it is – when it should not be like this and we need to search deeper for the real reasons why, because what we are doing is not working. I am with Rachel, responsibility is the key.
I find it very reassuring to read how it is possible to change our relationships with our mothers, it may take some honesty and humbleness too, but the richness that comes from having these women in our lives cannot be underestimated.
Thanks Caroline for this reflection. I can relate very much to what you write. Instead of expressing my feelings, I also went into judgment and silently hoping my parents would change certain unloving patterns. The impact of not expressing is huge. It only increases the hurt which is within me. I am practicing now to express how deeply I love them ánd what I truly feel. It is like learning a new language and building a new /deeper and more truthful relationship with my mother and father.
That is so beautiful Caroline, this is really wonderful news! I have read it and I actually felt how I have been not responsible for what I felt, and what I felt I did not act on. I really recognize what you share about the food she was getting for you (while this was not a loving choice for her to do so). I can feel also that I have pushed her away once she was actually loving me into bits, and the parts that I have been holding back – my sensitivity to her, not wanting her to see me as I felt hurt (enormous stobborn). But now I feel I am letting this go. While I am typing she is next to me, she is adorable and fun, I would never want her again to make unloving choices to do things for me, this I no longer accept. Only love, for both of us! Thank you Caroline, you are my big inspiration! No more blaming, just loving and taking my responsibility for my choices, my life, my commitment to love and truth.
Hello Caroline Raphael, I adore your Mum too and I have never met her. I was reading another blog about the ways people say “I love you” without actually using the words. Your Mum offering to go and get you food that night was also her way of saying how much she loved you.
You can take this line to the bank, “What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.” Thank you Caroline and thank your Mum for me, she like you is gorgeous.
I love what you say about this blog and about love Ray.
Thank you Caroline, I was very touched by this article but it also made me laugh as you write exactly how you talk and I could hear your bubbly voice all through it as if you were right here next to me. You are a beautiful woman as is your mother, what a stunning photo of the two of you! I very much relate to Universal Medicine being the catalyst for deepening my bond with all my family. My mother and I have a profound friendship I would go as far to say she is one of my best friends, lovely to read your appreciation for family throughout this blog.
Thank you Caroline for sharing your experiences, which so obviously show how often we are offered gift boxes filled with love and decline them or throw them away just because we do do not like the wrapping and judge the book by how we see its cover.
So true Michael, I have made so many judgements and assumptions throughout my life, which have lead to many hurts and misunderstandings. I once tried an experiment, where I had to say exactly what I felt and question everything, I found it really scary and challenging at first but what I came to discover was that as much as I thought I knew what was going on, I never did, I would always be flawed by someone’s response to my question or their sharing of the event. It was so deeply humbling to be truly open to hearing what another had to say that I have been inspired to make that experiment a regular part of my life. And wow has it made a difference, stronger deeper friendships and a greater trust of people. Well worth a try.
Cutting our family out because its too hard to deal with them – ouch. And this probably happens in all families even if it is only in a small amount like not talking for a day or not being fully open with them. It certainly hasn’t worked.
Very true Harrison cutting out family never really works. Of course there are extreme examples where this may need to be the case. But in general families are our greatest reflection, they can show us so much about ourselves. Offering a true way forward in what we need to work and develop within ourselves. Ignoring only delays the inevitable, that at some stage we are going to have to deal with it. We can continue to blame or we can get honest and take responsibility for our part and heal.
Thank you Caroline, and such a beautiful picture celebrating you and your Mum. And great topic to ponder. We can often get frustrated with our nearest and dearest, and so not bring understanding, the full picture, to the table. But the glorious inner essence we all hold and can connect to is equal in its love, light and power.
What a beautiful homecoming Caroline – back to you and expressing that love you always felt for your mum.
What a tender and loving blog Caroline. I was touched by following sentences: “I always envied those children who said they adored their parents. I never felt that way and it really hurt because deep down I knew I loved my mother dearly.” It touched me because I felt the same and to read it black on white makes it ridiculous – how could I chose to hold back my love that is incredible. I can feel that this holding back not only hurts my mum but also hurts myself and that is really not self loving at all.
It begs the question I think Ester, what are our fears and hurts that has lead us to hold back our love which is so naturally a part of our essence and part of the flow of life.
“Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” – So so true Caroline. For such a long time I too blamed my family for my childhood hurts, and played out the victim role, and held anger and resentment for such a long time. It was only was only until I met Serge Benhayon at Universal Medicine workshops and had esoteric healing sessions that I stopped the blame game and recognised my part in it all – holding back my expression .
Dear Caroline, you write with such clarity and honesty it was a joy to read your blog. It is so very empowering to take responsibility for your relationships and above all start expressing how you feel. Your relationship with your mother now is a living testimony of how our relationship with ourselves transforms all relationships and this is choice we can make at any stage. Thank you.
Caroline I was moved reading your story, especially your realisation that all the anger and frustration at toward your mum was because you adored her and because at the time you were inarticulate in expressing that you deeply loved and cherished her and that it hurt to witness her neglecting herself. Universal Medicine workshops have been a heaven sent in my relationships too. I too have been inspired to start replacing blame of others with personal responsibility and love of others, and developing my ability to express in the honesty of the moment with love and lack of judgment. The more I develop this way of living the more I find I actually love even those I thought I was angry and frustrated with.
Gill and Amina, you are spot on. We can spend a lifetime blaming another for our hurts, when actually it comes down to us not wanting to feel our own hurts and then expressing them. Caroline sums this up beautifully when she says: “Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” I know this so well, and my body will tell me very quickly if I have not said something that I wanted to say. Then my mood will change and I can feel how quickly I can go into a withdrawn place and isolate myself from people. It’s a simple choice to simply speak up in the moment, when there’s no build up of emotion or reaction. I’m still learning!
I’m still learning this one too Sandra and know only too well the feeling of withdrawing when I’m faced with a situation where I need to express truth but hold back for fear of hurting another but also realising that it actually hurts another more if I don’t express in full.
‘Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.’ This sentence really stood out to me today. I realised when reading it just how many times I have blamed others for how I feel instead of taking responsibility and expressing how I feel. Now, whenever I feel hurt and begin to blame someone else I get an ‘aha’ moment and can bring it back to the part I am playing in the relationship at that moment.
This is beautiful. Caroline has so honestly shared. I too am finding that the more I honestly and lovingly express to those dear to me, my mum included – the more we respect each other as people. I no longer see my family as those to blame but appreciate them for their qualities and genuine love they have for me.
For many years I was in the habit of blaming my family for my own sadness and this caused a distant, especially with my mum., I was never open with her and kept things to myself. But a few years ago I stopped blaming others and worked on myself. This allowed me to create an open and honest relationship with my mum.
I am starting to appreciate my family member more and accept them exactly as they are. This has not always been the case, but it is so freeing to let go of the blame and judgements I used to have of them. This has gradually come about as I have been more willing to look at myself and deal with my own issues.
Yes Johanna this is something I am also learning to express. How dear my family and friends are to me and the difference in my relationships has deepened. True appreciation starts with us first and filters on through the river of connections we have. What a beautiful flow to life, love and connection.
Beautiful reflections Caroline , thank you for this sharing and all it offers. Being loving towards oneself and opening up to everyone is a gift we have all been offered by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, so simple and so much missing in the world. Looking at oneself first and connecting with our own love in our bodies and taking our own responsibility for our reflections is really life changing and beautiful as you share. Thank you.
Caroline I can so relate to your words: “What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first”.
I have experienced the same thing. I am getting there with allowing others to be themselves and accepting their choices but I still have a little ways to go yet, so your blog is very inspiring, Thanks for sharing.
“We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” thank-you Caroline, this is so key and helps me to see the grand learning offered by our behaviours and the involution of making choices from our hurts. Understanding the power of responsibility and expression is a great beginning.
Gill, I love the depth of acceptance for ‘how things are’ in your words that says that such complications we bring about in our lives can be ‘part of the journey to understand and learn responsibility to ourselves’.
The learning is ongoing, and most often so, particularly poignant in regards to all that our mothers and fathers reflect to us. Your words offer the wisdom that it is actually ‘ok’ to learn – it’s what we do with the amazing learning ground presented to us, that can make all the difference.
Our relationship with our mothers and fathers can certainly be a learning ground for so many things. As women our mothers are the first people we develop an intimate relationship with. I have been reflecting on how much this relationship is taken for granted and left to be whatever it may be. There can be a neglecting aspect to our relationship with parents as we do not tend to develop this as we might with new friendships or a new partner. And yet, there is so much to learn and appreciate from our relationship with our parents. Caroline has worked at her relationship with her mother and you can see the result in the gorgeous photo.
Such words of wisdom Victoria. It IS what we do with and how we respond to life experiences and what decisions we decide to make as a result, that makes all the difference. Just asking questions like: ‘Why is this happening?’ ‘What am I to learn here?’ ‘What part am I playing [in this dynamic] and ‘Is there more for me to see here’ can open us up to seeing the behaviours and choices that we make that contribute to the complexity.
Well said, Victoria. I’ve often placed a lot of pressure on myself to ‘get it right’ or ‘be harmonious’. It’s not been the right approach…to be a loving son and brother is.
The fact that this blog is published ‘with permission of your mum’ says it all in terms of the depth of the relationship you now share with her Caroline.
I spent many years feeling the deepest frustration with my mother – not accepting her own choices that led to compromising herself in particular, and frustrated when she did not share the abilities and skills I had. Crazy, isn’t it – that we can do this to a completely different person, put such expectations and needs upon them and all the rest…
I’ve learnt so much from this relationship in my life – most of all, to allow another the life that they themselves choose to have, and, keep my heart open in full to loving them. My mother is a beautiful woman and an amazing being who happens to have been one of the greatest teachers in my life and cared for me deeply. I could ‘ask’ for, nor expect, no more.
This is truly beautiful to read and feel how you came to realise that you adore your mum, but only through reflection came to not liking her at all. It makes an enormous difference to be open to feeling what we have to work on when being reflected something by someone, there is healing possible in every moment we choose to reflect on our self and feel that we are not our behaviour.
Something I often find amusing, if not confounding is that no matter how old we are we tend to still want to blame our parents, when in truth our parents no matter what kind of job they did where truly only responsible for us up till 16, yet we can go on for 30, 40, 50 years treating ourselves worse than our parents did, yet still conveniently blame them rather than look at the choices we are making. And worse when we blame our parents and are living in the reaction to that, what kind of parents are we being and so on and so on the cycle goes, until we take responsibility for us and our choices the world will never change. Are we forever destined to live in a cycle of blame and irresponsibility or is there another way? The answer is Yes, there is another way, now the real question is will we choose it?
Yes Caroline indeed a big choice is there when do we want to take responsibility for the choices that we make. If I was really honest I reckon I was about 13 when I started to make decisions on my own and thus I simply can’t blame my parents for the lack of self-love I created in my life.
The simplicity that you bring to what many may often be considered a complex relationship, full of hurts and wrong doings, is beautiful Caroline: “We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” It quite simply brings it back to caring and loving ourselves first and the transformational effect this can have on other relationships. Gorgeously written, and a beautiful reminder, thank you.
What a gorgeous blog Caroline, I feel it’s all too common to blame our parents for so many things in our lives, but in that we don’t get to feel our own responsibility – especially when we are adults! Expressing how we really feel is just so important as you have shown here, and it can definitely change the way our relationships are – it is something that I am learning to do each and every day!
Caroline, I can feel after re-reading your blog how I still have a way to go with expressing freely with my family – just being myself without protection; not being on guard with my responses or holding back what I feel. As for my mother, I know her deep love for me and can feel my lack of true acceptance of her. This is painful to feel and your sharing has inspired me to commit to deeply to connecting with her. Thank you.
Bern, your honesty is simply gorgeous and I can feel you are truly on your way to being all of you with your family.
Thank you Bernadette the honesty in you comment gave me cause to ponder my own lack of true acceptance of my mother, and yes it is painful. Through your great comment and Caroline’s beautiful blog I can see it is time to commit to deepening my connection with my mother.
Indeed the understanding that we can develop when we stop blaming others for what happened to ourselves is huge. It also takes the picture much wider than one simple cause and effect event. We can begin to consider that our lives are cyclical and that we are merely being offered another moment to make a more self loving choice and become more responsible of what we create.
This is great Jenny and deserved to be repeated, “We can begin to consider that our lives are cyclical and that we are merely being offered another moment to make a more self loving choice and become more responsible of what we create.” This takes away any ability to blame. Everything that comes to us is an opportunity to learn and evolve from, God in all his glory offering evolution at every turn. How many cycles we do is entirely up to us.
I have come to realise what a complete waste of time and counterproductive it is to focus on blaming and trying to change another’s behaviour. As you said so beautifully Caroline, the only thing I can change is me and this includes how much I hurt myself by holding back and not expressing my feelings.
I have realised only recently Jenny, how I hurt myself by not expressing my feelings. It shows my lack of self worth that I hold back what I feel and don’t present myself to the world for who I am in the moment – equal to all others, always. Feeling this in the day-to-day, moment by moment builds a greater awareness and I am learning to hold this more and more.
Bernadette I can so relate to what you have shared, as much as I love and adore my mum (obviously) I am still aware that I need to deepen my acceptance. Without acceptance we are in constant blame and reaction to others, to accept gives another space to be who they are without judgement and allows us a space to get to understanding. Without this there can be no true love.
I love the developing nature of these comments, you raise another beautiful point Caroline when you talk about acceptance of others creating the space for us to understand the bigger picture of what is going on. When I understand another’s behaviour I am less likely to react and blame and judge. This goes for myself as well, space is created to hold myself less critically and more lovingly.
I love the way you have expressed this Caroline, how understanding builds from acceptance by allowing the space for another to be just as they are. I can feel the stillness contained in these loving words, and how from that still lack of judgment or imposition true understanding can arise.
So true jenny , our first relationship to heal and deepen is with ourselves as Caroline so powerfully shared. I have found as I do this with me I have a greater understanding of me and then of others. All my relationships are deepening as I deepen my relationship with me.
Absolutely Kate, from a pool of self love we can choose to playfully be a forever students of ourselves.
I love that we are able to be forever students of ourselves. It gets rid of perfectionism, which is so harming. Often we hold our parents to ransom for not being perfect but sooner or later we have to take responsibility for our own choices and how we are choosing to live.
Agree Elizabeth. It all comes down to self-responsibility and thank heavens for that! That means we are no longer under anyone else’s command or at the mercy of anyone. Our society has become a culture of blame and litigation which takes all the joy out of living! None of us are ever perfect and ever will be. Lets open our hearts and love again.
The idea that a relationship deepens was alien to me before coming across Universal Medicine. So was the idea of a relationship with myself. Becoming aware of these things have changed my life and the deepening process is a joy and an education. Coast along in one’s relationship with oneself and all other relationships are affected. It’s an intriguing science.
I love this Jinya “Coast along in one’s relationship with oneself and all other relationships are affected. It’s an intriguing science.” I agree what an intriguing science there is much to learn from our relationships with others. Many have a perception of people, such as; “all men are like that”, or “all bosses are like that”. These beliefs are based on all their experiences, yet someone else may say the complete opposite. What a great science to study why it is some meet certain types of people or bring out different aspects of different people and why others don’t?
Caroline, I have revisited your blog a couple of times, and I find it is your photograph with your mother at the commencement of the blog that draws my attention. I sense the love, the respect and total acceptance is reflected in this image – it feels to me as though the energy of love is moving spherically, moving through and around with no interference, doubt or wondering if there is acceptance – I find the feeling of the photograph really beautiful.
A beautiful sharing, Caroline, of your journey with your mother. So beautiful to see how you have changed so much through a true understanding of your relationship with your mother and your own part in the misunderstandings. It has brought about a little more understanding of how I also misunderstood why my late mother at times acted in certain ways. She was on a big learning curve, and I was the first of her 3 daughters. As the first, I had to break the ice on lots of situations where my mother held fears for me. I feel it is often harder for the eldest, there is so much fear from the parents for the child as she takes her steps out into society. For the younger siblings, then it is not quite as restrictive, as the parents see from the first example that there is no need for that fear of possible consequences. Thank you for the chance to reach a deeper understanding of why sisters may have different recollections of their childhood.
Caroline I was really touched by your blog. How we in truth adore our mothers and what we put in between, how complex we make relationships by not expressing what we feel and take responsibility but instead choose to blame the others for the hurts we carry. My mother has died more then 10 years ago, by reading your blog I could connect how much I have adored her. So I loved reading how you have established an open and loving relationship with your mum and your picture is a testimonial of this fact in itself. Thank you for sharing
I can relate so well to that. I always wanted my family to be different. Today I must admit that the reason for this was that I was not prepared to look at my life and that changing my family felt more comfortable then being honest and taking the responsibility to make changes myself.
Since I finally took this responsibility I could let go of any concept how my family should be for me, I realised that in fact they are the biggest gift I could have been blessed with, so full of love and deeply caring – and blossoming themselves like never before, just because I stopped to press them into a role that was not them and instead appreciating them for who and what they truly are.
This is so refreshingly honest to read “I was not prepared to look at my life and that changing my family felt more comfortable than being honest and taking the responsibility to make changes myself.” It is inspirational to many who have yet to see how these moulds we create can squash and confine another, when there is no need. When we allow others to truly be themselves we cannot help but love them for all that they are.
I have loved re-reading this blog, i have been amazed that as I develop a deeper understanding of myself and how quickly that transfers into a deeper understanding of others.
“We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.“ Wow, rereading your amazing blog again Caroline…and still understanding and revealing more what holds me back to truly connect with my mother/parents. In not wanting to look more honestly at my relationship with my parents I was avoiding to truly love and connect with other people in a loving way.
Well said Richard “What a turn around in life when we choose to be responsible for Love in our lives rather than pretend we are devoid of it”. To Stop playing the blame game with our parents and to become more honest what prevents us to live and share the love with people and also our parents is a important aspect to look at in our lives.
Learning to love ourselves, opens our hearts to all others
“Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” Hear, hear Caroline! I am finding my body feels so much lighter and more energised when I express my true feelings. In fact I am making expression my new everyday medicine, no more multi vitamins for me.
Very true Bianca! The way we live and express is the best medicine.
So true Melissa.”the way we live is the best medicine.” I have recognised in my relationships, how much they have evolved, by letting go of my hurts and being the love, I know I am.
Caroline, I love this photo of you and your mum, it is so warm, open and loving, truly beautiful!
I really like this picture, the way you are holding your mum around the shoulder like she is both an equal and a precious gift. Seeing your smiling faces amidst the life long relationship you have had with all its challenges is refreshing to see.
As I read the title of you blog Caroline I am totally struck by “what a revelation”.
I’ve read your blog before so I have an understanding of what you share. Why would adoring our mothers come as a revelation? It should be the most natural loving relationship we live. A relationship where true heart felt love, acceptance and understanding are the constant language and communication. The fact that many peoples’ reality is different is asking me to wake up. Wake-up to where our choices take us away from the beautiful divine connection we innately share with our mothers and children.
Carolina, this is so beautiful it brought out tears of joy and love in me. The line – “Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” is absolute gold.
I can relate to so much in this…so many people I have shut out of my life rather than being all the love that I am and express how I truly feel. Thank you for sharing this, it has been a blinding, 100w light bulb moment for me.
I agree Jo, I too love that line “Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings” is absolute gold. I too shut people out of my life for quite a time, finding it too hard to express how I felt. I was brought up in a family that did not express how they felt very well, I have learned so much since I met Serge Benhayon about how important it is for us to express how we feel, it is so, so freeing to do so. That is the only way that others will understand us.
I will always remember my Mum when my sisters gave birth to their children, wanting to take responsibility for every single one of them. I have two nieces and and two nephews. My mother was making rice porridge every other day for them and the process would take maybe 4 to 6 hours for the cooking and another hour for the preparation and this is one small example. She was getting absolutely exhausted, very irritable and she was also blaming my sisters for giving their kids the wrong food when in fact I realised with time that rice porridge for breakfast is not ideal either…
It is so true Alexandre that we can become very hooked into patterns of behaviour that are related to a belief or an ideal of the right way to be a mother etc. What I hear Caroline describing is the liberation of holding her mother in the love that she is without all the judgements.
Putting the others first is a tricky business. When we do so, one remains the last priority. Life gets structured around the needs of others. One assumes the role of provider or need ‘statisficer.’ Obviously this is a way to show how much we care for the others. This is the public face of the matter. There is also another face that is only private to the person putting the others first. It is important to talk about this one too. My own experience is that is the perfect hide out and a clear way to avoid evolving and deepening a loving relationship with self. It is interesting that we can hide where we are most visible to others.
Caroline a really loving article to read about your relationship with you and your Mum. I have enjoyed a loving relationship with my mother, one that is much closer now than it was, I have come a long way from blaming others for many of my own mistakes that I did not take responsibility for at the time.
Although my mother passed several years ago, this article reminded me that a relationship is still there and of the many wonderful, supportive and honouring moments we had together. My mother was amazingly full of love and gave it unconditionally to all around her.
I loved reading this blog Caroline and it’s great that you have been able to heal the relationship with your mother. Even though my mother has passed away and our relationship was rocky, the healing still continues and I know that we would have had a totally different relationship, if she was here in the flesh.
It’s as though by healing those hurts we start to get a clearer picture of who our parents were, and how and why they choose their own behaviours. PS: love the picture.
I agree Julie, healing our hurts allows us to see clearly who people are and it allows us to clearly reflect on our own choices and why we may be behaving the way we do. Healing the hurts allows the protection to be dropped so the real being behind the defence can be revealed.
You raise an important point her Julie, that we often view our parents shortcomings through the filter and projection of our hurts and separation, not appreciating that they too were not met for who they truly were either.
Reading your blog, Caroline, inspires me even more to be much more loving and apppreciating with my mum than I have been in the past. I can see how much my mother changed her life since I am with Universal Medicine and how much she loves me.
Self responsibility is an ever developing quality that I personally hold dear. I am still working on being openly loving with my family and with others, letting them be who they are, and finding a way to be myself. It is a path I feel very blessed to be on with the support of Universal Medicine.
This blog is so relatable and deeply healing for all Caroline. It is a like template for the truths and falsities of relationship, presenting everything we need to know to heal all our relationships. You have made it so clear how complication creeps in and breaks the true simplicity and beauty of being able to love and adore someone! Once we look to our own ‘stuff’ we can all fall in love again, without reservation. The heavens are already rejoicing!
“Once we look to our own ‘stuff’ we can all fall in love again, without reservation.” I love what you share here Lyndy Summerhaze. As long as we choose issues to stand between us and other people we have the best excuse not to love and express our beauty.
Dynamics in relationships are certainly complicated by the fact we bring our own hurts and rejections into the mix. It is outrageous to contemplate that others are not there simply to meet our needs and fill our emptiness. So to pull back our projections and deal with our stuff allows for the natural love for one another to re-emerge.
This is so touching Caroline, and to see that photo of you and your mother today and how you share your love for her, brought tears to my eyes. We have so much love within us, we just need to let it out. I pondered as I read your article how our relationships with our parents, and the hurts and dynamics that can characterise these, then shape all our other relationships as well. Do we hold back expressing our love in full to our partners, our friends, our siblings? The people we are closest with? I can feel how much love I have for people but how much of this love I can actually express. It is like a ballon in my chest that’s about to burst. No wonder I had tears 🙂
And I had tears in my eyes from reading your beautiful and deeply honest expression. Thank you Katerina.
The warmth and love I felt as a young boy, from my mother was gorgeous and nurturing, when she held me and stroked the hair on my head all the tension and worry in my body disappeared, I felt the stillness and deep love she had for me, and the love I have for her.
Your beautiful blog Caroline brought some tears to my eyes, reflecting on my relationship, or lack of, with my mother. I was annoyed at times by her lack of commitment to life and giving up which eventually claimed her, and my annoyance was simply the reflection that I didn’t like seeing and so deflected onto my mother, stopping any true relationship with her while she was with us and allowing my own healing to begin. In the last couple of years since my mother passed, I have grown to truly feel the truth of her sensitive and delicate ways and not able to cope in life, and feeling the gorgeous Angel that she is.
It is very healing for me to read your lovely and touching blog Caroline a heartfelt thank you. I spent my life blaming my mum for everything in my life, I held back the love for my mum and judged her. When she died I felt the deep pain of not expressing the immense and boundless love I have for her.
Thomas thank you for such a beautiful sharing. One of the greatest if not greatest pains we experience when someone dies is knowing we held back, knowing we did not express all there was to express. We feel guilty for not bringing all we are; we hold back out of fear, hurt or retaliation for them not being all we wanted them to be. But goes to show at the end of the day these are all games because when push comes to shove our greatest hurt is Not that another has not been love but that We have Not been love. Change this, be all the love you are and nothing can hurt you.
I love what you say here Caroline, “be all the love you are and nothing can hurt you.” So simple…. yet so profound.
WOW! ground breaking statement Caroline “When push comes to shove our greatest hurt is Not that another has not been love but that We have Not been love.” These words are priceless.
I have always found the reason that I can have so many negative thoughts, be annoyed frustrated and even argue with those closest to me is because it is a far lot easier in having to admit to them or myself my part in whatever the situation is and it is always easier to blame things on someone else than look at my choices. However as I have recently been finding that when an issue or something comes up then there is always something for me to reflect on and there is always a way that I can look at my choices, and by choosing to live in that way it means I can move forward a whole lot more than I was before !
Beautifully said Oliver. Relationships are always showing us where we are hiding, what we are burying and who we are blaming. They can be such powerful catalysts for growth and sharing that with another means we all grow. Win win!
I remember having similar feelings about my mother when she was alive and it intensified after she passed away. In retrospect, it was a lot to do with the hurt of losing her and feeling abandoned that led to making judgements like – she should have taken better care of herself, she shouldn’t have tried to parent six kids on her own, etc. But ultimately she was doing what she thought was right and to the best of her conscious abilities and my sense of abandonment wouldn’t be healed if she came back to life. That feeling of disconnection is me missing the true me living every moment of life and any judgement I make of myself or others is only to distract from the misery I create for myself by choosing to abandon myself.
I too can relate Jinya to what you describe of distracting myself with what others are doing wrong and judging them as I don’t want to feel the devastation of the disconnection from who I truly am.
What a beautiful and joyful picture of you and your mom, Caroline. It’s not hard to feel the deep love and connection you have for one another.
I’ve also gone through a transformation within the relationship with my mom, ~ from hating her, blaming her, letting her have power over me, to loving her and understanding her. And it all has got to do with how I AM and how I treat MY SELF. It’s incredible, yet in fact just normal, how I can decide how my life turns out by taking full responsibility for my self.
Beautifully expressed “We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” We have this opportunity everyday to learn from others, there is a reflection that is some times challenging but it offers deep growth and awareness, if we are able to take responsibility for what we ourselves put out into the world. Learning that I can change myself and not blame or wait for other people to change has been very supportive in my life.
It really goes to show just how caring people are when they put themselves so far out to care and nurture others. It may not be the true self loving choices, but it highlights to me the amount of love they too have for others and the amount of caring that is just beneath the surface. If everyone could let this love out and love themselves, the world would be a very different place.
Beautifully said Matthew,
We all know, feel that the thing to do in this world is to care and love, the only thing we have been missing in this equation is to love ourselves first and foremost. In my experience when I hold myself lovingly my love for others immediately deepens and becomes more true and equal.
I really loved reading this and it was lovely to see how you realised that you loved your mum and you reacted in the way you did because of that. Great blog
I went though a period of not being able to deal with the members of my family as I felt I couldn’t truly connect with them and slowly withdrew from their company. Now after listening to presentation through Universal Medicine and coming back more to who I truly am, I am slowly rebuilding all these relationships and they are more honest and have a deeper quality about them than I would have thought possible.
So lovely to read how many people have started to or have healed their relationships with their parents. The key theme throughout is taking responsibility for all our choices and no longer blaming someone else for them. We can all say that our parents made all sorts of mistakes, we would hard pressed to find a parent who hasn’t, but we can’t blame anyone as we are in a cycle that currently keeps repeating itself, we may not make the same mistakes our parents did, but in reaction we make opposite ones and so on the cycle goes. It is not till we stop and take responsibility for our own actions and choices do we stand a chance of breaking this cycle for once and for all. Thank you to Serge Benhayon for inspiring the way.
Beautifully said Caroline. And I can’t help but feel that in taking this responsibility for ourselves, that an enormous weight is also lifted – for though we may live with the utmost of integrity and responsibility for our own choices, we – as our parents were/are – will never be ‘perfect’, and it is torturous to expect ourselves (or anyone else) to be so.
In accepting our parents’ learnings and our own reactions to our parents, we can accept that every one of us is learning and it’s ok if we make a so-called ‘mistake’. 🙂
I really love what you both share here Caroline and Victoria. For what is the one constant in our lives? Why ourselves, of course. Taking responsibility for our choices, accepting that all of us are constantly learning, understanding and deepening our relationships with ourselves. This is where we find the absolute love of our soul.
Blaming people never works, as you have so beautifully and clearly shown Caroline!! Blaming is a kind of knee-jerk reaction, a false attempt at protection, which prevents the blamber from actually taking responsibility for their part in the interaction. Look what happens when all blame is dropped and we each look to ourselves with integrity and express how we feel – that beautiful adorable picture of Caroline and her Mum says it all.
I was talking with a friend this morning about relationships and how we often do not express how we feel – especially to those nearest and dearest sometimes. She said ‘Expression sets us free,” the very feeling I had last night after I had expressed my feelings to another friend with whom I am having some difficulties. The “difficulties” are still there but having expressed, as I did, I do not feel the weight of them so heavy in my body.
Caroline I love how you have come to the understanding that how we express changes everything.
I can completely relate to saying things to people in a way that is defensive and cutting because I am holding back saying how I truly feel. That hurts the most, knowing I hold them in so much love but choosing to cap this and make them feel as hurt as I do.
But like you, I have come to the understanding that expression was something I buried very deeply, and as I have allowed this more and more, I have seen relationships in my life change in ways I never thought possible.
I can honestly say, that after quite a bumpy road with the relationship that I have had with my mother, I am now re-learning how much I simply adore her for the person that she is, all the qualities that she brings to every one’s lives and the great gift of our relationship with each other. I am able to do this now because of the support of Universal Medicine and Esoteric Practitioners.
Dear Caroline,
I completely relate to what you share here. My relationship with my Mum has been very similar. As I deepen my connection to myself, I too have opened my heart to my Mum and have also discovered that I love her dearly. Our relationship is becoming more free and there are less emotional hurts getting in the way of how we relate to each other. A miracle in my life.
Caroline I went to live on the other side of the world to hurt my mum and alas I succeeded. Our relationship was very much the one you described. I blamed my mum for being who I was and I used to feel great sadness at seeing her neglecting herself but putting others’ wellbeing above her own. It is only since my involvement with Universal Medicine that I understand and feel my responsibility for the way my life turned out. My mother is no longer but I have made peace with her and the healing continues.
Caroline this blog has been a blessing to read, I may not have wanted to change my mother as much as you did but I can relate strongly to how much it hurt to not have an open, sharing relationship with my mother. On the surface it all seemed ok but really I wanted her to be someone else than who she was and not accepting and adoring her for who she is. This has all changed since attending Universal Medicine work and I can now see in her a beautiful, sensitive and sweet woman that she is.
Caroline this is really beautiful, I was deeply touched by the love and affection you feel from your mum. I’ve come to see too that you simply can’t make people change and can only cherish them for where they are.
I agree Meg, that is such a huge learning. When we simply let people be we love them absolutely. We can only do this when we have no need for them to be a certain way for us, and hence the responsibility we have to cherish and nurture ourselves and love ourselves so much that we do not have a need for another to give us something we perceive we don’t have within us first.
Beautifully comment Katerina, this is so true, ‘the responsibility we have to cherish and nurture ourselves and love ourselves so much that we do not have a need for another to give us something we perceive we don’t have within us first.’
It is great that I read this beautiful comment this morning as an old hurt that obviously has not been fully healed has just presented itself. Beautifully constellated to remind me to go deeper with loving, nurturing, and cherishing myself so that I do not have this need from another person.
Beautiful sharing Caroline. It’s amazing how the vocabulary to express our feelings are within us all the time, even though we may have lost touch with how to use it. As an adult I have always been sensitive, but didn’t know how to understand my feelings and so was prone to moods and outbursts of rage. I have been supported by many practitioners, including your amazing powerhouse self, in addressing the hurts that get in the way of feeling what is there to be felt, only to uncover the deeper issues. Ultimately the deepest issue is about self-responsiblity and as you say, when we live in connection to being love with ourselves and all others, no body can hurt us. And it has always been this way.
Caroline, this is so powerful. I love how you share so openly and honestly about what was going on for you. Taking responsibility allows us the space to be with people in a whole new way.
This is so beautiful Caroline – that you have come to know what our relationship with others (in this case your mother) is actually there for! That there is great love is certain, that we each have obstacles in the way to feeling this reality and the enormity of our love, that if we look to our own hurts, feel them and discard them the transparency between us will permit the glorious relationship that is possible to flourish. Love your sentence: ‘We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.’ Every parent and child should read this, know this and put it into action!
Caroline, I went through a very similar process with my Mum. And that puts me even more in awe about (not only Mum) Universal Medicine and the true changes that occur. I had been trained in family therapy, had worked as a trainer for family therapists, but it was not before attempting Universal Medicine healing courses that the relationship between Mum and I really healed.
I can very much relate to what you are saying Felix, I trained in many therapies and have to say some of them I felt actually in-sighted more blame towards others leaving an an undercurrent of irresponsibility and and ill feeling. Esoteric Therapies are the first modality I have ever come across that truly promotes self-responsibility. Personally my relationship with my parents has deepened enormously since attending Universal Medicines. My parents are my good friends and I deeply value their love.
Uahhh, that one is big! Thank you Caroline for this truly healing article. Your way how you have blamed your mother for everything and than trying to change her as you ‘knew’ what is best for her was making me look at the same way I had treated my mother, too. I can remember that there was always a tension between us and I did not want to feel what was there when I was with mum. Honestly I hated it that she was so stubborn and having a wall build up between us. Since I could let her more likely be who she is and her choices she has made, thanks to Universal Medicine, I could let go of the need to change her and the way she lives her life. Now since I let her just be and accepting her for how she lives, she made the most incredible changes; she gave up coffee, butter, jam and she is cooking light and fresh meals for herself. I was astonished at my last visit – she looked at least 6 kilo lighter. She even feels much more lighter, and she is already 88 years old. So no – there is no age limit for making changes for the better.
Such a powerful blog Caroline, I can so relate to it. I too found it extremely difficult to express what I was feeling in difficult situations. I was also feeling very hurt, expecting others to change, wanting them to be more loving. Since I was introduced to Universal Medicine, I too realised that ‘The only person I had the power to change was me!’ I had invested so much in wanting people close to me to be more loving, caring and understanding towards each other, yet I wasn’t truly living that way myself. I thought I was, now I have come to understand a whole new level of what love, self-care and nurturing really means. I also began to understand how much I hurt myself and others by holding back expressing all that I feel. ‘Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.’ I too feel the same.
Wow Caroline, I love what you have shared here – so much wisdom. Holding back our expression is really painful – and the way that you have worded it in this article has just turned on a few light bulbs of my own! I can feel how free-ing it is to start expressing what you really feel, and how that could be very healing. I also love the level of responsibility you have gone to – acknowledging that only you can make you happy.
I think you have captured the experience of most people in relation to their parents. Many adults I know still blame their parents for the hurts they carry. It was lovely to read about the development of your understanding with your mum and the fact that the greatest hurt is all the unexpressed feelings we have bottled up inside us.
“The only person I had the power to change was me!” I love this reminder Caroline. We can spend our time blaming others for how we feel, or we can take responsibility for our part in the equation and look at what needs to change from within to be able to feel differently about a person or situation. True healing is about responsibility.
The things we do in the name of love. Truly believing that we are being loving to ourselves and each other when all we are doing is creating hurt upon hurt upon hurt. So loving how you came to understand your relationship with yourself and you mother, Caroline. I had no appreciation of my mother when she was alive and I can understand the roles that she played and why and now appreciate the gorgeous woman that she truly was.
What a powerful blog. It touched me deeply especially reading “What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.” This is a revelation and it has got me to stop and look more closely at expressing my hurts and how I feel instead of coming from reaction. Thank you for sharing Caroline; it is timely and has brought much up within me to ponder on.
How freeing is it to start and appreciate. Thank you Caroline. It opens up the heart of oneself and the other person, if it is done truthfully and confirms the love we both are.
Caroline, I can so relate to what you have shared here in your relationship with your mum. To really shift what I had playing out with my mum, was to look at myself, what relationship I held with me. When I began to look deeper into that and building more love within myself, this then impacted positively on her and everyone around me.
“Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” Thank you for this very powerful awareness Caroline. Holding back hurts not only us but everyone around us. We do not have to feel powerless and look outwards. Expressing from the love inside of us is healing for ourselves and others around us.
I agree Diana this is very powerful awareness from Caroline, so healing to read and feel the truth that holding back from expressing our true feelings hurts us. I have also found how holding back my expression leads to exhaustion and lack of vitality. On the flip side when I do allow myself to express in full this is truly energising it feels like I receive an expansion of vitality and energy that comes straight from my heart.
This has been a huge revelation for me, that no one can in fact hurt me, and that that by holding back I actually hurt myself. It is so different from the mindset that ‘someone has hurt me so now I will hold back every second of the day!’
This is indeed a HUGE Revelation Meg “This has been a huge revelation for me, that no one can in fact hurt me, and that that by holding back I actually hurt myself. It is so different from the mindset that ‘someone has hurt me so now I will hold back every second of the day!’” This should be read and re-read over and over, breaking the deep illusion that we hold back because we believe others have hurt us and then have the excuse to blame others when we are not living our lives to the fullest, Thank you.
Hello Meg Nicholson and a great point, ‘that no one can in fact hurt me, and that that by holding back I actually hurt myself.’ This we could use as a marker, whenever you see or hear yourself blaming others, stop and ask yourself what have you held back? You may not get an answer straight away but do this with a consistency and your world will open up. Or you can stay in the blame of others and round and round you will go and nothing will change. Life is really so, so simple when we speak like this. If you have been hurt by someone else that is just the bit you hold so you don’t have to see how much you have hurt yourself from holding back something you felt. If you look out, you will find something, if you look within you will know you already have everything. Thank you Meg.
Thank You for sharing this and expressing so honestly – it is inspiring and I got a deeper understanding of what expressing and holding back really means. Just lovely to read.
How beautiful and amazing is it that we can heal our hurts by truly loving ourselves. Then we can go back to all those difficult, awkward times and clearly see our part in them and how true, unemotional love is the answer. I know that I have often been in reaction and have therefore not expressed myself with the clarity that would have made all the difference to the relationship at hand.
Also how beautiful that your relationship with your mother Caroline can become so beautiful after being so strained for so long. It is testament to the love that you are that this is possible.
Beautiful Doug, I agree, this is definitely a love story. Love stories can be between any of us if we choose to let each other in and express our amazing love with one another. A great reminder.
Caroline, this is so beautiful and what you have shared with us about your relationship with your mum is deeply inspiring. I can relate in many ways having had a strained relationship with my own mother in which I (we) have been working on over the past few years. I discovered that my hurts from childhood had seen me keep my mum out, holding her in a lot of judgement and as a result not being able to see what I am now once again seeing – how gorgeous and graceful a woman she truly is……and so, after years of feeling like things would never come together for my mum and I, we have started to break through, and I am feeling the love there once again. Your blog has inspired me to continue developing this connection with my mum – with no end.
I have been pondering on my relationship with my mother the last few days before reading this blog. I had always felt that she did not love me which to a point is true and I hold no hurt around this anymore. What I have come to realise is that she expressed her love of me in her way. At the time I could not appreciate it as I had an expectation of what I wanted love to look like and the two did not meet. She always bought me lovely dresses even though they were not my taste, we would always go on picnics to park with loads of other families, we always had home cooked meals, we were sent to what she considered good schools. When I was irresponsible with my finances when I was a single mother she would always help me out and when she died she left me money even though at the time I was involved in a cult and was hesitant to do so. I feel her innate wisdom knew that I would leave the cult, as I did and use the money for the good of humanity and myself, which I am. I have come to deeply appreciate and value the qualities she did bring not just focus on her downfalls.
This is great Mary-Louise, I know I can relate to expecting love to look a certain way, and when it is not delivered, feeling hurt, upset, unloved…and the list goes on! Letting go of the expectations, appreciating myself and others for who they are and learning to be more clear in my expression of how I truly feel are all key points for me in building and re-building all my relationships.
What you’ve shared here Mary-Louise is so important. We get blind-sided, don’t we… by what we’re ‘not’ getting, and fail to see the love that we were held in and the ways it was expressed. Our hurts, when undealt with, become such a thick filter through which we perceive life and those around us.
I’ve also learnt to truly stand back and see the love both of my parents offered me – how precious this truly was, and is. Regardless of things that seemed to get in the way of that love, it was always there and remains so to this day.
Caroline, this is so beautiful, I enjoyed reading every word, the natural flow of your expression, the depth, honesty and love, it was very healing. It made me stop for a moment and reflect on how I love my mum, and I never came from a place of adoring my mum. This woman that has played such a big part of my life. It is as you say, the mother, daughter relationship is a powerful reflection to each other. I, like my mum am a very caring person who once put others before me as she did, yet I hated her doing that and watched her get exhausted, feel depleted and unloved, yet i was doing the same…but since i started attending Universal Medicine and engaging in Esoteric Women’s Health, self responsibility became a key in bringing change to my relationship with me and with others. As I’ve become so deeply connected to me as a woman I am beginning to adore the qualities i have, the openness and love which i now share with my mother in deep acceptance… i just deeply love her. Thank you Caroline for this deeply healing sharing.
Our mothers are such mirrors for us, and mirrors that we so often would rather not look into – that reflection presses so perfectly on our deeply held raw spots; all the things we would rather not know about ourselves.
I remember as a teenager feeling furious with my mother, feeling that she imposed on me, and walked all over my feelings, while letting her own life fall apart. My way was to clam up not a resentful sulky silence, although there was one day when I lashed out and we ended up having a knock down, drag out screaming match that the whole suburb got to enjoy. The teen years passed with their attendant angst…and they merged into my 20’s and 30′ in which the frustration with her was no less but the way it came out was far more controlled.
I look back now and prefer the slightly greater degree of honesty in my teens. At least the screaming was more real.
Then mum died.
So I look back now from my 40’s and see that my frustration with her was my frustration with me. The mirror that was my mother revealed a powerful woman, articulate and intelligent not living that power in full. Yes, I can now see that I was screaming at me, sulking at me.
I so love this blog and can say that I too love and adore my mother, and although it is 12 years since we last saw each other the lessons that she offered me roll on today.
Rachel, this is such a powerful and honest sharing, as we share about our relationships with our mothers, it becomes apparent, that we are reflections to each other, as you state ‘that reflection presses so perfectly on our deeply held raw spots; all the things we would rather not know about ourselves. If we had this understanding we could bring such healing to our relationships with each other.
Thank you Rachel for an honest and heartfelt sharing. It is inspiring to read how even though your mother has since passed over you are able to express the love and adoration you held for her.
Beautifully shared Rachel, I can feel your adoration for your mother and find it so warming to know that we can still work through our hurts and unfold love with those who have passed over. It makes sense after reading your comment – the reflection is always there even if that person is no longer, since it is all a mirror of how we are. So when we work through our stuff, take responsibility and understand – the healing is multi-dimensial and widespread.
It does not end Rachael, in the sense that I have adopted ways of hers, unconsciously. Now I am bringing them all up and out from where they lurk, behind the scenes, but also calling the shots. Every thing that I heal clears another aspect of my relationship with her.
What is so beautiful now is that I feel great love for her, but I do not grieve her absence or miss her as I once did. That once huge void I have filled with love for myself.
A truly moving sharing Rachel, thank you.
Thanks for sharing Rachel, I always find your sharing so honest, detailed and insightful and I learn a lot from them. You have so much wisdom!
And everything you say makes so much sense, I can relate a lot. Its like we all experience the same thing in one way or another.
Gorgeous Rachel, this feels really amazing what you’ve shared here. I had to sit with it for awhile after reading it as the truth of what you’ve expressed is really quite confrontational… but I can see the lessons being presented to me – so thanks for your sharing, it’s encouraged me to step up to the plate.
I am deeply touched by what you have said Rachel. Thank you!
My mum and I were in all the same illusion together, the ‘good, pure’ illusion, and so we got on famously – there was a lot of genuine love there too. But we got on famously because we had the same blinkers on. This illusion was presented so strongly to me that it would have been well nigh impossible for me to clock it and exit it, had not Serge Benhayon come along and presented the evil of the ‘good’ illusion. The only other person I have ever heard talk of this illusions directly was Thoreau!
I adored my mother and we were like girlfriends together. She was a surety inm y life, someone I could always call upon and when she died when I was 24 I missed her sorely. I only ever had one screaming match with my mother and it was over the ‘martyrdom’ of her doing the washing up when I said that I would do it after the current affairs program on TV was over. She, unknown to me, went and did the washing up and then dad said, “See you’ve let your mother do the washing up when she cooked dinner’. I can remember exploding, which was so rare for me, and shouting out that I was sick of her’ martyr’ approach to life!
Rachel, as I read this I felt the enormous love we all reflect to each other, underneath the reactions and frustrations we can feel, and how this will continue beyond a person being physically around us. We are so much more powerful than we care to think we are… and as I write this a huge family of kookaburras are singing away in joy outside my window.
“…my frustration with her was my frustration with me.”
This was my experience with my own mother for so many years also Rachel. And most of all it was about my relationship with my own power. I deeply wanted her to be all that I could unquestioningly feel that she was – what an amazing, articulate, intelligent, talented, beautiful, cultured and I have to say, well dressed woman… who ‘I had deemed’ (for so many years) should have shone so much more brightly.
Yet all that held her back echoed my own reasons and excuses for holding myself back from stepping into all that I am.
Healing my relationship with my mother, and not avoiding all that has been there for me to face, has been the greatest gift – in accepting my own reflection, and today standing at the cusp of what I know to be true greatness.
For this woman (me) in a long lineage of women that have come before me, the truth will not be held back, and I will not live a life of compromise and suppression. Thanks to Universal Medicine, such true healing of generations of suppression of women (wilfully chosen by us all) can end right here. Celebrating that with you sister.
Thank you Lyndy, Rachel, and Shirley – Ann for sharing. I feel deeply moved.
On re-reading this article the thing that stands out for me is that Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine supported you to be loving with your family and heal the hurts that were getting in the way of having a true relationship. This is something the media should be writing about with the headline “Universal Medicine supports relationships to be about love.”
That stood out for me too Bianca:” Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine supported you to be loving with your family and heal the hurts that were getting in the way of having a true relationship.” I was also able to see a different perspective but my own hurt, which in turn opened up the way for me to heal my own hurts within and allowing the possibility for a much more truer relationship with my mum to start to unfold.
Oh my Gosh YES Please Bianca – I would pay to read a headline like that!!!
Absolutely Bianca, the whole world needs to know this. I mean, what a turnaround this story is and there are so many more like it. People die with so many unresolved relationships when all we long for our entire life is love. Everyone wants it!
That is so gorgeous Caroline, how lovely to witness an expression of love that is so claimed and true. It wouldn’t hold this power if you hadn’t dealt with those reflections – “We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” For mothers and daughters, reflections of each other have a lot of potency (actually they do in any relationship!) when we can start to unpick those hurts to be able to express our real feelings and not just our reactions to those reflections.
Not being able to express how I feel has been constant throughout my life and I can see how easy it then becomes to blame my parents for what I was unable to offer myself. My way of expressing was to say nothing and hope that my mother or father would pick up on the fact that something was wrong, They did but because I didn’t express it or say how I really felt they had no idea what was wrong most of the time. Looking back and knowing what I know now about expression it seems crazy that I held my parents to ransome because I held back from expressing what I felt inside.
I have also had a similar experience Alison, with not expressing what is wrong but just expecting those around me to workout what is going on, and then when they don’t feeling hurt by them and blaming them for that – crazy right? I have come to learn actually just how imposing this on them and how manipulative this can be for me as I turn something that isn’t an issue, into an issue. As I learn to express more and more then I have found how much more free I can feel within myself
Caroline, I too had difficult relationship with my mother, from whom I was estranged as a child. I reached a point where deep down I knew the only way forward was to let bygones by bygones, ( we can’t change the past but we can change the future), accept her as she was and tell her how I felt. I wrote her a letter (she lived in Africa, I in England) explained how my behaviour often stemmed from a hurt and resentment at being separated from her as a child, thanked her for all she had given me in life and told her how much I loved her. This opened up a new more equal and loving relationship with my mother, who I never met again in person, but communicated with regularly by phone and in this way began to appreciate the amazing woman she was. I’m so thankful to have expressed my love for my mother to her before she died in 2000.
„Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings“. Taking responsibility for what i feel and to express it as a step to
not continue anymore to blame my parents or to want them to be different, that would be a start to change the relationship to them.
Beautiful story shared, I can relate to your sharing as my mother was the same doing for everyone at the expense of her body. I loved my mum dearly but struggled to express my truth and so would get angry and snappy with her. Years went on like this but what I noticed all my sisters did the same. One day my mother had enough and she cried, that was the first time I felt her tears, she shared she did not feel loved and was deeply sadden. That’s when things changed, when I some how managed to share how she was living and it hurt to see her keep doing for others and nothing for herself. My mother then started to say no to people and started to honour her feelings. She still slips back sometimes, but she is more aware and does more for herself now and is more joyful in herself.
I know this to try and change other peoples lifes, and this is nothing else than trying to control the other person in order not to feel one’s own hurts.
Absolutely agree Kerstin
Caroline, it’s interesting that it seems par for the course that once we reach being a teenager then we think everybody else’s Mum is way cooler than our Mum and for some reason it seems to be Mum’s that cop it more than Dad’s. At that age we are very reactive and often blurt out things that are quite harmful. My son has just turned 14 and so I am aware that we are potentially going into that phase. For me what I will try to stay aware of is my reaction to him. I am aware already that I have some ‘needs’ and ideas around what I would like our relationship to be and that those needs and ideas will only serve to complicate and muddy our relationship. As you say you can’t change another, only yourself and so I shall keep my focus as much as possible on me as I attempt to navigate the years ahead.
Alexis, I can very much relate to what you have shared. I even remember saying to my mum that I expect more of her than of dad. What I have come to understand is that I did this because there were always times in my life where I could deeply connect to my mum, where she was there for me completely and other times she wasn’t, I never quite knew what I would get with mum but with dad it was always certain he was who he was and that never changed. I now know that men have stronger protection mechanisms than woman do and hence why I always expected more from my mum as there was always more of a potential for her to be open to me.
Thanks Caroline for this honest and inspiring blog. How many of us have blamed, criticised and wanted our mums to change because we need them to be different for us? What pressure we put on them when we aren’t responsible for our own love.
Caroline, by the end of your story I had tears in my eyes. This is a beautiful sharing and I cannot help but reflect on my relationship with my mother and my daughter. Although I stopped blaming my mother long ago for how my life was, I still hold back my love for her.This is a timely reminder for me to open up my heart more not only with my mother but with everyone.
And may I say this photograph of your both is absolutely beautiful.
The appreciation you have for each other is all there and I feel joyful when I look at you both. 🙂 🙂
Absolutely Kathryn, the warmth and dedication to a loving relationship between mother and daughter is conveyed so beautifully in your photo Caroline. I keep going to look at you both! So gorgeous.
Dear Caroline
Your sharing of the turn around with your relationship with your Mum is very inspiring and much needed. In the past when I didn’t want to be responsible for my own choices I would blame the person that I could trust wouldn’t leave me. That was my Mum. We spoke of this only the other day and the healing in expressing the truth was delightful.
Hi Kathryn, I love what you’ve added here “I would blame the person that I could trust wouldn’t leave me” – acknowledging that it’s not just the ignoring of what is being shown to you, but taking it further and blaming the person that can’t leave… that will always be there. I can feel how I’ve used this same scenario as my way of being able to lash out and vent my frustrations, which are more about myself and where I’m at than anything else!
Beautiful sharing Caroline. Its a gorgeous testament to the healing that occurs when we take responsibility for our hurts and the part that we play in creating the relationships that we have in our lives. Until recently I blamed others for my hurts but through the support of Universal Medicine I have come to realise the part I play, and it has healed and transformed many of my relaionships particularily with family members.
Caroline this is a great example of how the people we clash with are the ones we need learn from. In your case it was putting self last, and you got to feel how horrible that is. There is no need to withdraw or run away, nobody learns anything. But when the issue is faced, the clash is gone and there is only love.
It’s amazing now to observe the behaviours that once played a very dominating role in my life, in not being able to express how we feel towards those that we cherish who are closest to us. It is really destructive and definitely not normal at all which we have been lead to believe, it had me hook line and sinker for many years until I came across the work of Serge Benhayon. With the support of Universal Medicine I’ve been able to understand life, adore and cherish all those around me for who they are and not for who they’re not.
This is huge Jamie, to see people for who they are and not for who they are not. I remember hearing Serge present that it is important to connect with the person and not their behaviour, and it absolutely stopped me still in my tracks. In doing this much pressure, personalisation of a situation, and reaction are diminished, leaving a clarity with which to deal with the person and the situation. In doing this I have found it easier to express because it does then not come loaded with my emotions and my take on it all. Which in turn allows us all, or both, to move forward together, rather than stay stuck in the same place going round and round.
What a great sharing Caroline & such a gorgeous photo of you and your mother that shows the joy and connection between you both.
I love how you turned the outward blame into self-responsibility as there is such growth and evolution for all concerned. True change can only come from ourselves which starts a domino effect of change all around us.
Yes exactly Marika – and the domino effect is awesome to behold!
That is true Marika, true change can only come from ourselves. And living this truth creates a rippel effect in the world.
And what a ripple effect and one that is very much needed, we are living more dis-connected than ever before, people giving up not seeing or knowing true care and support is possible, it is deeply touching to read so many committed to making the changes necessary to inspire a different way.
Awesome comment Marika, I totally agree. True change can only come from us, this is something I have only realised a few years ago. Previously, I was blaming others because of my unwillingness to take responsibility for my own choices and behaviours. It’s a pattern which poisons relationships and doesn’t allows me to truly be open and connect with people. When I started to take responsibility for all my choices, everything started to fall into place. I can reflect back and see with clarity why thing were the way they were. Now, I feel so empowered knowing that I am only responsible for my own choices. I can only change my own behaviours, develop self-responsibility and continuously refining my choices to keep growing.
I love your true love story with your mom and your awareness of reflecting each other. I am blessed to have a very similar developing relationship with my mother and can feel how deeply grateful I am for making this change and developing it further more. It is such a gift and ease to let the love – that was always there, but smothered under judgements and dishonouring – now flow and how we accept each other more and more with everything we are, we were and may be. She is – as you write too – a great reflection to me and I love to receive her beauty, now as I have tumbled down the walls of aloofness and prejudice.
Hi Caroline, this brought tears to my eyes as I realised that I never told my mother that I loved her dearly, we had a good relationship and I’m sure she knew but I never expressed it to her and that holding in of the expression really hurts. Great to recognise how important it is to express all that needs to be said. Thank you
I have never done this either JY and I now feel inspired to, thank you, ‘I never told my mother that I loved her dearly’.
“I started to realize that my quest to change my mother did not work – all it did was to cause further distress, distrust and reaction, increasing the stress on our already tenuous relationship. The only person I had the power to change was me!“
Thank you for sharing this blog with us Caroline! We are not able to change anybody and we need to accept and understand that and stop reacting to our parents as if we are still children.
I love how deeply honest you were able to become with your mum, and in that I wonder how what if I brought that honesty to my relationships with those close to me. I have seen and been upset by my parents disregarding themselves for some perceived greater good and yet I haven’t expressed it. What an incredible opportunity I see not just with them but with anyone to actually say how I feel about anything and everything. What a way that can be to live life, there is actually no downside to it.
Thank you for sharing this unfolding relationship with your mother, it reads like my own! And I too was able to restore the relationship with my family and especially with my mother after I met Serge Benhayon and started to live the principles of the teachings of Universal Medicine. Which meant dealing with my hurts and by doing that I was able to recognize the lovely, sweet and caring person my mother is. I feel like adoring her is one more step to go and it feels very healing – it is like being able to let go of a big sigh that was holding my chest tight.
I know how you feel Judith, I remember hearing Serge Benhayon present on how he adored his parents and I could feel the absolute love and acceptance he had for them, I remember sitting there stunned because it was not something I had considered possible, yet I knew it to be true. So inspired by Serge, I decided then and there to do whatever was necessary for me to connect to that truth again. It involved a lot more love and acceptance of myself but I got there and thank goodness because everyone is the winner for it.
Stopping blaming other people, or at least noticing when we do , and stopping wanting them to change is so liberating. I am frequently amazed by what changes people close to me make, entirely of their own volition, and with no input from me, when I just leave them be, and enjoy them as they are.
Yes Catherine, there is a feeling of liberation when we just love others for who they are and to be able to do that, its developing relationship of love with ourselves….then we feel more solid to feel the hurts without wanting to change another to make us feel better…
So true Catherine this has been my experience too,as soon as I stop judging them, or wanting them to change and love them for who they are they often start making different more loving choices. A wise man called Serge Benhayon told me about the power of love and yes the proof of this is all around me.
Gorgeous Catherine, we should write a book about this and all the other amazing miracles that are possible when we take these steps.
Yes I agree Catherine… I used to blame people for everything. Now when I feel myself going into blame, I stop and ask myself ‘what is this showing me about me’… and this is very liberating indeed, as I actually have the power to do something about it.
Caroline this is deeply beautiful and very healing for me to read. Our hurts can cause so much conflict between families and as a result we hold our dear ones to ransom for the hurts we have felt. I could just imagine the weight that is lifted off when we can let go, take responsibility and be love, equally for all. If we are to adore ourselves then it would only be natural that we also would want to adore those closest to us and around us – hence the reflection. I love the photo you have chosen and can feel the deep healing that has taken place between you – very inspiring!
I was sitting with my mum today as she was re-reading this blog and she said “I am sad that I didn’t know how sad you were”, I turned to her and said “how could you not know” and then it hit me, “I didn’t tell her”. Back to expression and responsibility.
Awesome case in point, Caroline. If I consider how different things would have been with my family if I had expressed what I was feeling at the time I was feeling it, instead of harbouring resentment and playing the victim, I realise that we would have stayed in connection and been able to learn and evolve together. It is great to have this awareness now, as the opportunities are still there to have more loving and responsible relationships.
True Janet, it is never too late. Once we make the change, taking responsibility for ourselves and making the choice to express, everything changes around us. It is actually very miraculous the changes that can occur when we stop focusing on others and start to focus on ourselves and let our expression rip 🙂
So true. It’s considered selfish in society to focus on oneself first, but in making this focus about love and support for oneself, we actually bring the love to others. It’s actually the most considerate choice to make.
Agreed Jinya, not sure when the belief that it is selfish to put yourself first, first started but I would say religions and cultural beliefs have a lot to do with it. The belief that we have to put others first and our selves last is a major contributor to the state of the world we are living in and the high rates of illness and disease, both physically and mentally, so much of this can be turned around if people just started taking better care of themselves. So simple yet so effective.
Me too Janet, I could have expressed so differently…if only I knew then what I know now! I see the potential for the patterns to repeat in my relationship with my children and I feel that is my opportunity to choose a different and less ‘victim’ mentality. Even as a parent I am quite shocked at how strong the pull is to play the victim. But this time round I have an awareness that has the potential to offer a different choice to my children. As Caroline says…letting all of our expressions rip!!! eek and yay all at the same time.
Wow Caroline, we seem to just have an expectation that our mum’s know…i love the key words ‘…expression and responsibility’.
Yes isn’t it so odd that we tend to expect the other person to just know what is going on inside us, and how astonished we feel when we find out that they didn’t know at all as we didn’t express? It is these assumptions we can make that often stand in the way of true expression and communication. Expressing and taking responsibility is a sure way to stop assuming and expecting.
“How could you not know” – that would be typical what I would say but it does come down to responsibility and sometimes I can feel so hurt that I do not want to take responsibility; there can be much resistance in holding on to something thinking I am right instead of surrendering and letting it go. ” We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves” – this is a great reminder.
It is amazing how we so often short change ourselves and others by wanting to be proven right as this makes us feel more than another. When we truly embrace another in equalness in essence the issues that we are struggling over often see trivial and arrogant.
Expression and responsibility indeed, I’m with you here! How amazingly healing for you and your mum to have these discussions now and confirm how far you have come.
Wow Caroline, I was crying whilst I was reading your blog. You really tell my own story with my mother. Very healing for me to look closer at my relationship with my mother and the insight you have shared. Thank you!
I’ve railed against my parents, my teachers, my workplace, the world, my kids – you name it, I’ve blamed it!
Like you Caroline, and thanks to the wisdom of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine – I’ve come to the great realisation that the only hurt I carry is that of not expressing the love that I am. When I accept what is around me and within me, truly accept, I can express everything that I am and have absolutely no need for anything to change or be in a way that suits me better. Phew – what a relief it is to not be constantly wanting things to be different.
yes it is quite incredible how much time and energy is wasted on blaming others, when all we need to do is feel our hurts and let go of them and take responsibility for our lives. So many of us hold on to our hurts as it is often easier to blame another then take responsibility for our choices.
Gorgeous contribution to the discussion Helen! We have all done a lot of railing and blaming – for me it was not specifically my parents (as I partook of the same illusion as them – the ‘good pure ‘ illusion and we were very companionable in this!) It was mostly blaming my husband, the atrocious behaviour of all people in general, and the way society is corrupt and causes so much suffering! I was a big railer about world affairs and took to the soap-box at University over it all.
I love what you have said about accepting what is around you and in you. Life had to be a certain way for me to accept it – what a huge protective and controlling device (and insanely I thought I was such an easy-going and allowing person! What an illusion). As you have said ‘Phew’ what a relief to not constantly want everything to be different. It is as it is. We can bring our love and express how we feel, no resentment, no blaming and railing!
Helen if we take away wanting things to be different there would not be anything left to struggle over! Goodness that might mean we might have to take responsibility and truly live that love that we are.
Caroline that was great to read.. So many little hints and tips in there for everyone. ‘The only person I had the power to change was me!’ And this makes all the difference !
What a powerful and healing realisation to get to. To understand your hurt and not blame. A healing for both of you. This blog made my heart sing! Thank you Caroline
That’s the key – to not blame. Well put and wonderfully freeing as it empowers us again when there is no blame.
“We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” That is so profound, Caroline; I had learned that in relationships, especially with parents, there are reflections that create reactions, and brought it back to looking at myself and my responsibility for that, but the next part of “reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves,” is what hadn’t quite dawned on me, perhaps obviously so, as I have not felt loving towards myself until recently. I see it now, and how it creates huge sadness, and gives us an opening to healing the things we are choosing to hold onto that stop us from loving ourselves. Once recognised and felt, the way is open to an open heart.
There is a deep intimacy and letting in of each other that happens (with close relationships being a great place to start) when we accept what we are each reflecting, showing each other what we are yet to master, what is still to learn and it is very humbling.
I’ve had similar experiences where my inability to express clearly has enabled me to have very awful arguments with people. In hindsight I now see how they were completely unnecessary. A lot of pride needs to be swallowed and sometimes we need to let the tears run. Personally I have noticed when my outbursts are at their worst that is when I am the must hurt.
It’s like a pipe having a blockage and the pressure continues to build up until it bursts. Only if I took the time to deal with the blockages (issues) in a timely manner I wouldn’t have to pick up all the pieces and repair the entire piping system.
Thank you for sharing Caroline, beautiful to read. It is amazing how much we invest in others changing or being different simply to please ourselves with no understanding or acceptance or where they are at. Fully expressing what we feel no matter what helps dissolves barriers and opens relationships up to become the truly loving ones we could feel was the potential but never before allowed them to be.
“Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.”
Wow…these are words of gold Caroline that deserve to be called out from rooftops around the world. So many people go to their graves holding onto unresolved hurts as a result of not expressing their true feelings.
Fortunately for myself and many others, we are now beginning to understand and appreciate what true expression is really about, thanks to Serge Benhayon.
We could make a list a mile long and it would be still too short to portray what ills and problems could be sorted out in this world, by simply and lovingly expressing our true feelings.
And speaking of love…what a gorgeous photo of you and your lovely mum!
Caroline what an inspiring article. I am sure many can relate to what you have presented here, I know I can. How easy it becomes to blame another and to even cut them out of our lives because it seems easier, when in fact it deals with nothing. It shows how far from expressing what we truly feel we go when we do not even realise what we are feeling ourselves. It was key to hear that what you actually felt was sadness at the lengths your mum would go to to put herself out to look after you. To me this is huge. It is a lot to comprehend and unravel, and goes to show the depths of love you now have for yourself. Gorgeous.
I loved reading your blog Caroline and seeing your gorgeous photo. The love you have for you mum comes oozing through your words. Your relationship turn around through your realisations and ways of expressing love to your mum is an inspiration. You show a way of getting underneath reactions and what triggers them in the first place. Thanks for sharing.
Caroline thank you for this deeply inspiring blog it is beautiful and filled with truth ,honesty and is a delight to read and appreciate your relationship with your mother.A gift for us all.
The photo of you and your mum is gorgeous, I can feel the sweetness and loveliness of you both and the ease and closeness that you have with each other, looking at this photo I can feel how my mum and I have this too, that we adore each other, it has only been recently that I have let go of judgements and clearly seen how amazing my mum is and this has allowed our relationship to deepen and become more honest and more loving.
Caroline its so lovely to read how your relationship with your mum has changed. I could have written this myself with just a few differences. My parents are staying with us at the moment. When I tell people this, they frown and give me a look, like they feel sorry for me. I have to correct them and say that it is actually a delight to be spending time with them. My relationship with them has done a complete 180-degree turn, and it’s all because I have been the one to make the changes in myself. Accepting them has meant that I have had to accept me first. A great learning.
Wow Caroline one can see just how much you adore your mum in the photo, the love you have for one another is truly evident. It is such a joyful thing to see a mother and daughter truly appreciating one another, not in a needy or dependant way, but in true recognition of the beautiful women you are. It is so easy to react to what we feel rather than respond to the situation, I know I am very expert at it. I too am slowly beginning to detach from reaction (can take a bit of practice) and see just how much I am loved by both my parents, even when their expression of love does not match up to my expectations of how I should be loved. What a trap we set for ourselves. I love how you recognised your own responsibility in it all and that fact that our hurts arise because we don’t express ourselves properly. May your appreciation of your mother continue to deepen, as it brings much joy to the world.
Your story Caroline shows that it really does come down to taking responsibility for our own hurts. That way we can stop blaming everyone for everything and begin to heal what is getting in the way of having truthful and loving relationships.
Reading your blog Caroline it occurs to me that it seems crazy that we deeply love others but due to a difficulty in expressing how we feel we end up hurting or rejecting others instead! Great quote that one of the best ways to heal our hurts is to express how we feel. I had an opportunity recently with both my parents recently and it really was beautiful to feel how much closer and connected we felt just by expressing more to each other how we really felt.
I can relate to a lot you have shared here Caroline, not only my own relationship with my mum but with many others. I have learnt that the more I express on how I feel or how something affects me, rather than reacting or putting up a barrier, it allows for deeper connection with those people. It can be that easy, just simply express. But it takes time to change but once you commit to making it about love for you & in the process love for others, it feels just beautiful to express and not hold anything in our bodies or against anyone. It is not only freeing for us but for others too as they now have an understanding of how you feel & opens up space for them to express freely should they chose to.
What a great blog Caroline, I know the trying to change everyone story also. I had a similar relationship with my mother and then I too also chose to stop blaming her and to accept her beautiful self as she is. I also held a lot of jealousy towards my mother but that too has also cleared; thanks to the support of Universal Medicine workshops and esoteric healing my relationships with everyone are getting more and more loving.
Our emotions are not the truth of what we feel, but with honesty we can layer by layer recognise and let go of them and thereby find back to the truth they have imposed themselves upon in reaction to what we genuinely feel. It is a most amazing process to expose the ideals and beliefs, reactions and expectations to in the end be quite surprised how much all these layers have distorted who we are and how we relate with the world and especially our parents. I, for example, realised like you Caroline that it was me that while blaming my parents and holding the expectation that they need to change kept myself caught in my childhood hurts, keeping myself from growing up and taking responsibility for my life and stopped myself from feeling the love I actually have for them. When I released them from my expectations and demands my whole world changed 180 degrees, it was the first time that I could see my parents for who they actually are and accept them for just that instead of seeing them only from a hurts child perspective constantly ‘screaming’ out of the need for them to give me what I expect them to give me. From that day on I had no expectations or blame anymore, started to feel and express my love towards them and the miracle of them opening up to me utterly rocked my world. The key to change was always in my hands.
I love your comment Alex, so beautifully and clearly written. I so relate to where you write: ” …it was me that while blaming my parents and holding the expectation that they need to change kept myself caught in my childhood hurts, keeping myself from growing up and taking responsibility for my life and stopped myself from feeling the love I actually have for them.” yes I have been there too and I have realised quite some time ago that this does get me nowhere nor does it further any relationship with especially my mum In fact we had a 3 years ‘no contact’ and it was only this year that, when I realised that in fact I was not holding onto any expectation anymore what she had to do or say or be, that I felt within me such freedom to be just who I truly am , letting go of any need; the result of this freedom within me was then that we met again this year, and I saw my mum as the beautiful fragile being that she truly is. And at the end of our meeting we hugged very gently touching cheeks like the Angels kiss. a bridge has been built and we are more and more in contact with each other again.
This is true healing of the past Alex, and true responsibility for oneself. I too found it deeply powerful when I came to seeing my parents as ‘people’ – dropping the need for them to be any more or less than who they are, in order to meet the needs I may not have outwardly demanded of them, but energetically, I still held them to ransom for.
Wow wow wow – this beautiful photo speaks a thousand words – and what you share is a precious priceless game changer. The place you learn to speak from changes everything – and the awareness you develop with yourself, and what you’re really feeling, has so much understanding and space in it. The clincher is when you say: “I discovered I had a major issue with expression ” – and where you end up with the changes you’ve made is fully inspirational and tangibly felt in the way you’re now able to write. This is for sure a blog I’m coming back to and there is so much here for me personally to learn from (the first part of the story has more parallels to my own than is comfortable to admit!). Thank you Caroline – more blogs please!
Absolutely gorgeous photo indeed. I found myself adoring them both, their faces are simply so joyful and loving. I was mesmerised by it. So beautiful Caroline. I agree, more blogs please! And awesome comment Kate.
Caroline, your sharing is awesome.as it is telling the truth that naturally, as children we adore our parents. To come back to this innocence is gorgeous and I am touched by your turn around being true to yourself and express.
Kerstin I love what you have touched on here… and it really does pose the question, if we adore our parents when we are little, then what happens? And Caroline has captured it so beautifully by expressing that we turn our frustrations on to our parents. We laden them with our own ideals and expectations of how we want them to be, for us, to make us comfortable. As Caroline expressed, this just doesn’t work! And accepting them as they are, and taking on board the lesson’s their mirroring gives to us, allows us to grow and evolve… as well as restores the relationships with the people involved!
Wow Caroline, so beautifully expressed. Light bulbs certainly did come on for me reading this. The tendency to want to fix people, including my mother, brought just more and more angst to situations and deeply dishonoured myself and others. Now accepting who I am from what has been presented via Universal Medicine, there is much space in just allowing others to be and knowing I am more than enough love within myself to not need any one else to be a certain way. It is wonderful to observe how others can feel this way of being and then open up to change as a natural flow on from this space being offered.
Gorgeously expressed Simon, ” It is wonderful to observe how others can feel this way of being and then open up to change as a natural flow on from this space being offered.” and a great revelation – space is the key, in trying to “fix”, “change” another we impose on them to such an extent we cram them up so they have no room to feel. If we back up, give them space, it is amazing to see what can happen. True healing is through inspiration, living that space yourself so others are free to make the choice for themselves.
And I know being on the receiving end of ‘space’ is very beautiful, because it is awesome to feel another person not imposing. And then I feel more free to make a choice rather then do what I think is right to make someone else happy.
Hi Caroline Raphael, what a powerful blog. Reading this blog has led me to reflect on the ways that I too like you, have wanted my family to be a certain way and how I would react to them without fully expressing in truth what it is that I was feeling and when I did express it would be from a reaction. This creates a wedge between us. Thanks for the reminder for us to truly love every person for who they are, not to place expectations on them but to let them be themselves and our part in relationship is to express all ourselves in the most loving way we can.
I love your blog Caroline and when I read “What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.” it brought up for me how accepting I was that this was a completely normal way of showing love to family.
This is so lovely. And the fact that your mum allows this beautiful photo to be published shows that she loves and adores you deeply as well. It also is confronting to me, I feel a bit jealous. I obviously still have an issue with my relationship to my mum, that I need to look at. Thank you.
Thank you Regina, I did offer to publish anonymously as my mum is a very private person and she said, “no it will support others if published in full so do it.” And as you say this is a tribute to her love of others and equally to her love and trust of me.
Caroline this is so powerful and yet so simple at the same time. How many of us can relate to what you have shared, I certainly do and I recall growing up how many of my friends and peers made very similar comments about their mum or dad. I do recall in early high school wondering why so may of my friends struggled with their parents, I adored mine too and felt like we were great friends. This changed when I was about 15 and I began to question the world, including my mum and dad and in all honesty it’s only been in the last few years, through what has been presented by Serge Benhayon that I began to see through the games that I was playing with myself. This is nearly 30 years worth of stuff!! I’m away at the moment and will be travelling to Sydney to share a couple of days with them, which I am really looking forward to. A few years ago this would have been done out of a sense of obligation. Now it’s because I enjoy and adore them. Now that feels true.
This is lovely to read and I can relate to so much of what is said. Upon reflection there was never any doubt that I loved my mum but after my mother passed away I realised how much I took her love for granted and never really appreciated how much she gave of herself. Since realising this I can now appreciate the wonderful woman that she was not only as a mother but as a wise friend.
When the focus is on others perceived faults or inadequacies its a kind of permission slip to bypass the fact it’s actually we ourselves who are not being loving. We put conditions on others to be a certain way because of our own needs and investments in the person, we kind of make demands that others change under the guise of “doing good” or acting like we know better than them. I know I have certainly done this. Coming to a point of simply accepting people and becoming more humble was key for me, as was seeing past so called faults and meeting the person at their essence, that is, seeing who they are and not their choices has helped me a lot. We seem to think family means we own them or their lives and this leads to all kinds of unloving interference and judgement. Love is really simple.
This is such a beautiful and important blog Caroline. The transformation of your relationship with yourself in the first instance through your “commitment to truth, love and healing” is deeply inspiring, let alone the transformation of your relationship with your mum. I can feel for me how much unexpressed love I have bottled up inside and what poison this is in my body, as it is actually busting to come out. Your blog offers much to reflect on and surrender to. Thank you.
The photo of you and your Mum says it all Caroline – the beauty, joy and connection so clearly visible for all to see.
A truly inspiring blog Caroline…It has left me considering my relationship with my mother – we always ‘got along fine’, however looking at it now, there was a distinct lack of expressing how we truly felt, which is why when she died there was regret and guilt at not sharing with her how much I adored and appreciated her. I always thought my relationship with my father was the challenging one – run by reactions covering up hurts on both sides, and the anger and rejection of this. The harm of this relationship was more ‘out there’ and obvious, whereas I can see now that the relationship with my mother was more of an unspoken agreement between us of not expressing who we truly are and playing it safe, however, both relationships were just as harmful as each other.
This is a very special blog, Caroline you touch here on one of the most significant relationships in your life with an open heart and I admire you for that. Thank you for letting us see how incredible you are.
Caroline what you have shared has really hit a cord with me. Although I had let go of blaming my mum and feeling so much love for her before she died, I had never considered that I adored her. In reflecting back to when I was a child, I can actually feel that I did adore her but like you I didn’t express that honesty to her. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your mum as it has allowed me to get me honest with what I felt for my mum and for other people in my life.
Thanks Caroline, reading your blog I am reminded of how much I blamed my parents for my less than perfect life. It wasn’t until I spent some time with my dad, about 12 years ago and asked him about his childhood, that I got to understand what he had been through, which explained why he was the way he was – he didn’t know any better. I could say the same thing about myself, I didn’t know any better, but I searched and eventually found the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, which lead me back through all my irresponsibility, to a place where I can connect with myself enough to know what is true. We are all love, equally so.
Caroline, the sentence about you and your mum – ‘We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.’ – I can so confirm this. But in my case, I am the mom. And sometimes I am not so happy with it but luckily my daughter reflects everything back to me. From this I am able to grow, and she too.
“Thanks to my commitment to truth, love and healing I have no more barriers in the way of just simply loving my mum.” – this says it so beautifully Caroline. We can only love someone in full when we heal our own hurts and take responsibility for ourselves – whilst we’re blaming them, we cannot love them in full.
I can totally relate to your story with your mum. I have a very similar story. My mum always put everybody before her, and did not value herself as she deserves, she always pushed her body to do things for others inspite of herself. Me and my siblings, we have always reacted to that deep disregard. I appreciate that you say “the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” When I express my reaction to the lovelessness, I add to the mess in any relationship, I create more lovelessness. I learned in an alternative school to express, we all practiced that, but only a few years after I realized that we were only expressing reactions, and adding to the disharmony in our bodies and in our lives. That was not healing. Healing is when one is brave enough to go deeper than the reaction and connect to the true feelings, and be brave enough to express them. Then all the fog that has been there for ages in a relationship lifts up.
A beautiful blog Caroline and I hope you and your mother enjoy many years ahead deepening your relationship with each other. What I really appreciate is the message that our reactions with those close to us are usually a defence against the mirroring of our own similar traits and the hurt we are feeling with our lack of expression. The blame is a dead end street but dealing with the hurt is entirely within our capacity to sort out. Thank you!
Expressing all that we truly feel and are is the most freeing experience we can have.
It will make us independent and truly caring at the same time.
This is really a most powerful sharing Caroline, thank you. It is showing me on many levels what is truly available in our relationships if we address what we feel. The awareness of how do I feel about truly adoring my parents is giving me much to ponder on and feel. They are so worth adoring regardless of the stories that have built up. Thank you for opening my heart with a deeper acceptance, appreciation and understanding for who they truly are.
Loving and adoring our mums is something so many of us want yet it is something we fight. I have spent much of my life blaming my mum and wanting to change her. I was so rude and arrogant and whilst I’m sure I caused a lot of pain, I was met with unconditional love. Reading your blog gives great insight into my behaviour and why I may have done the things I did. In recent years I have allowed myself to feel more and more the deep love that has always been there.
I love the simplicity of this blog post and how much I relate to it’s content. I feel like so many of us do this with our mums and our dads and without knowing have many wedges in between the relationships. It’s amazing to read about your transformation Caroline.
Caroline, what an amazing story how you found you way back to allowing yourself to love your mother in full. I mean I just look at the photograph of you two and I go “Wow” – two amazing and beautiful and stunning women, right there. Thank you for sharing your development with loving your mother.
Yes it is amazing what Caroline is sharing here. I love the photo and can say that this feels amazing – mother and daughter in love and care for each other – this is huge.
True Esther Auf der Maur, the photo says more than words can express, it shows everything that is there at that moment. The love, joy, equality and appreciation for each other.
Caroline I am deeply touched and inspired by your sharing of how the relationship with your Mum has changed. I have a difficult relationship with my Mum but can feel how I too have chosen not to express all that I feel and can see that when we do that the walls start going up to protect the hurts. Not expressing what is felt does not make it go away but as you say produces a great big oozing hurt. You make another important point in a comment about those we feel challenged by reflecting something about ourselves we don’t want to see or feel. So i’m going to take some time to look more closely at the reflection my Mum is offering me. Thank you for sharing that change in our relationships is possible when we take responsibility for our own choices.
Caroline this is such a beautiful claiming of love that in truth as you say was always there within you and between you and your Mum, simply not honoured. I have always deeply loved my Mum but at times have held an expectation and a need of how I wanted her to be and love me, to full-fill my need, to measure my worth. When this did not go to plan then my hurt escalated and I would react in what you could say was an unpleasant way. ‘Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.’ – this is a truly powerful revelation. As from our hurts we seek to manipulate and change the world around us so the control we have on how we avoid being honest with ourselves and expressing what we feel is not exposed. Taking responsibility for how I feel and choosing love has only invited a deepening appreciation of love and adoration that was in essence always there between my Mum and me.
This is a very important point you make Carola, …”As from our hurts we seek to manipulate and change the world around us so the control we have on how we avoid being honest with ourselves and expressing what we feel is not exposed.” The other day I was reading a blog What are we Really in Control of? about how there is absolutely no love in control. What this also showed me is when I recognize that if I have a need to control situations in my relationships with my mother or anyone else, I am not bringing the love that I am into the relation. This is a great thing to be aware of and take responsibility for, so I can stop and make a different choice.
Carola what you have presented is such a profound revelation and if fully understood could be the end of nervous tension. When we don’t deal with our hurts we seek to avoid and not expose them, this requires energy to do and as you beautifully exposed that can be the energy of control. Our controlling behaviours can become so ingrained we just put them down to “that is how I am”. A great pondering for all, and quite possibly a super freeing revelation.
This is a BIG revelation, Caroline. To know and understand that we are the ones responsible for our hurts can be an ouch and liberating at the same time. I love what you have shared here. Thank you!
This is gorgeous to read Caroline. Amazing how if we begin being love with ourselves, we can see so much more clearly just how much that love naturally expands towards everyone. You could spend years blaming and ‘hating on’ someone else, only to realise that hate was completely false, and that it came from a reaction to what the other person was reflecting back to you – in this case, your mum loved you… but did YOU love you? And although at times she didn’t make brilliant choices, you chose to bury and blame rather than lovingly support her to change. What an incredible transformation since doing that, though.
Isn’t it amazing how we react the strongest to those we care for the most and that offer us the biggest reflections. I love how you have come to embrace all that you and your mum reflect to each other so that you can celebrate it as part of your relationship and accept the moment of evolution when it is offered.
Caroline this is such a deeply touching and heartfelt blog, it was simply gorgeous to hear how you turned your relationship with you mum around and a lot to learn and reflect on for me in the reading of it. To be able to say you adore your mum is so joyful to hear and just goes to show how much you adore you — although having met her, I grant your mum is adorable.
PS: Love the photo too. You look great together.
PPS. I totally agree Josephine. They both look fabulous.
Yes, beautifully expressed Josephine. This is such a heartfelt blog. Returning to truth can be a painful journey as we discover how unloving our best intentions can be but oh boy what a joy it is to be in truth and not suppress what we are feeling. Thank you Caroline for sharing this so lovingly.
Caroline thank you for this gem. Your blog shows so clearly what an enormous difference it makes when we are willing to be fragile with each other and express our sensitivities and hurts. I have learned to that open communication, without blaming or demands, simply stating what I feel while at the same time being willing to see where the other person is coming from, generate such beautiful responses.
It is far too easy to blame our parents at times when they were only doing the best that they could. the important thing is not to hang onto the blame and hurts and move on just like you have done Caroline. The fact that you are now loving and adoring your mum is an added bonus. It’s such a bummer we are not encouraged to express more from an early age so that we don’t have to relearn how to do it again.
Yes moving on from blame and hurts is very important. This only can happen if we are very honest with ourselves and see what part we play in the circumstances.
Yes Kevin, after many years of bottling thing up, it does take some practice when you start to express how you truly feel. When I first started, it used to come out quite rough and harsh and often judgmental. It does take practice, and I have found the more loving I have become with myself, the more able I am to express what I need to say lovingly.
This is SO beautiful Caroline. It actually feels a lot like how the relationship has developed with my mother too. I can now see my part in the relationship I created between us when I was young and it hurt me a lot to realise how I had been, but, I also had the understanding that I did not know any better how to deal with what I was feeling at the time. I agree with what you said about being each others biggest reflection. I feel the gift of having my mother in my life everyday – for the lessons I continue to learn from our relationship and the love that we get to share by learning to express openly and honestly. I can see this now in my daughter too. The relationship between mother and daughter feels so precious – definitely one to cherish and appreciate.
Amazing story Caroline, it is so true that we can hold our parents to ransom, judging and not appreciating that the level of care, is sometimes what leads them to NOT care for themselves to the same degree. They are truly amazing people in their own right, when we allow them that grace.
This is so true Joel, and one I know I was responsible for, only now, after my mum has passed away, have I been starting to appreciate them.
Yes indeed, Joel. We miss out on enjoying the great qualities of our parents when we only see what we believe they should have given us but didn’t. Holding them to ransom is not loving, and potentially stops them and us from evolving, so it is super important to look at our side of the story and take responsibility for the hurts and reactions we still hold onto from our childhood. Because the ‘real’ pain is from not loving ourselves in the first place.
Hear hear Joel. As a parent myself I sure do hope that my children will give me the grace of this understanding. I know from experience how beautiful it is to see another as who they truly are and not merely as the sum of their actions.
A beautiful blog Caroline – thank you for sharing your story with your mum.
Yes, it is delightful to read how someone has not only changed their relationship with themselves but also their relationship with others. This blog is a fine example of this.
Caroline thank you for sharing something that was also strong in my growing up – the fact I would blame others for everything I did not like about life or myself. What’s really stands out though is the importance of truly expressing. The incident you shared about the theatre for me sums that up so well in the fact if we share how we truly feel about something rather than reacting and snapping the result will be completely different. It’s certainly a reflection to see where I hold back in sharing what I feel only to mutter a few words in reaction. And with that its inspiring to see the depth of love you and your mum share.
Thanks for sharing this Caroline. There are often frustrating story lines in movies and TV shows where someone can’t say what they really feel or keep something secret. It’s so obvious that if they just said it, the outcome would be much less messy and it would avoid all the drama… But then there would be no story. So if we want to avoid drama and stress in our lives & relationships the key is to say how we really feel…
That’s very true Laura, saying how we feel can help to keep things very simple. I know if I don’t speak up I bottle up feelings leading to stress for me, then the relationship feels awkward like the natural flow has gone.
I like this example Laura of movies and TV shows. In how many families in real life do these story lines play out also? Maybe its the things unsaid and left undone that do far more damage to a relationship than the things actually said and done?
Caroline this is such a beautiful blog and I love the relationship that you now have with your Mum. What stood out for me was the difference in the expression between how you spoke to your Mum at the theatre and the way you realised later that you could have expressed from the hurt you were feeling. As we grow up we’re not taught to honour what we’re feeling or even told that our feelings are wrong. Could it be that we then suppress our feelings to such an extent that when something happens and we finally feel strongly enough about it to say something, that it comes out with the frustration due to the fact that we hold back in life most of what it is we want to say.
This is an exquisitely beautiful blog Caroline – what a healing for you and your mum. In fact this is a healing for all because we get to read a lived testimony that confirms how healing our hurts and taking responsibility for our own behaviour supports our relationships to deepen and be about love. Very inspiring – thank you.
When doing so we realize that it is the only way to develop our relationships and finally many things we always wished for with others become possible and often reality. It is the love and openness we have for others when healing our hurts and choosing self-responsibility (stop blaming others etc) that strongly invites and draws those around to seek more intimacy with us.
A great realisation, a great sharing and a great photo Caroline!! So many people can relate to this. How beautiful to have expressed this to your mother while she is still alive. In all our relationships it is clear going deeper with our expression is the way forward.
Well said Kathleen! Every woman (and man) could relate to this blog – it is a real leader in its field. If everyone approached relationships as a reflection, an opportunity to see what is in the way to coming back to love then we would all actually get back to love, to adoring each other – how cool would that be!
“Thanks to my commitment to truth, love and healing I have no more barriers in the way of just simply loving my mum.” Caroline this is so beautiful and deeply inspiring. I will take so much of what you have shared into my own healing and relationship with my mother.
I had a very similar revelation with my parents some years ago, and our relationship is the better now for it.
Me too Adam. And I have found by me taking responsibility for my hurts it took the pressure off our relationship to be anything in particular. Nowadays, I enjoy just being myself without all the blame and baggage that comes with this. So much more simpler and loving, that is for sure!
This is Beautiful Caroline. My Mum is also so amazing and She means so much to me! I really enjoyed reading about how you realised it was hurting your Mum to keep telling her she was wrong all the time. It reminds me that we are all very sensitive people and we need to be loving and appreciative of one another, and appreciate each others sensitivity. Seeing your Mum like you did, when you could see that she was trying to help people ( although being neglectful to herself) is a way to not ever have issues in relationships.
Also to see people and even our parents for who they are without any expectation for them to be perfect or suiting our needs or calming our hurts, sympathy or whatever. It is for them to be the way we need them as our parent but for us to accept them for the person that they are. That is so very liberating for both, children and parents, and allows both to open up to so much more love beyond the emotional boundaries.
This is what I have found Alex, ‘for us to accept them for the person that they are. That is so very liberating for both, children and parents, and allows both to open up to so much more love beyond the emotional boundaries.’ I have let go of so much judgment with my family and with my mum in particular I now see how open, honest and sweet she is and adore her just as she is, it has been so lovely to let go of the criticism and of trying to change her and thinking that I know better and by simply accepting her as she is our relationship has grown much closer and we have fun together.
” … continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.”
It’s so deep, it’s ingrained, in our mothers to do this and it’s only been in the last decade or so that my now nearly-85 year old mum has stepped back from ‘over-nurturing’ others and gradually moved into her ‘elder energy’, whereby she now gives others the space to make their own decisions and their own mistakes, and is there for discussion or learning if people ask it of her.
This is such a heart warming blog Caroline, one that I know many women, as mothers and as daughters will be able to relate to and learn from. My mother passed away 13 years ago, and although we had a very loving relationship with only a few hiccups here and there, I know now that I had carried a belief from very young that I needed to save her, and that she felt she had to save me. I would love to have her here now to talk about this and to re-imprint our relationship in a way that honoured us both for the amazing and powerful women we were – who didn’t need saving! A big thank you for sharing your beautiful story.
Caroline, speaking about your Mum this way is great for many of us to register: “We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” Imagine if we all saw the friction with our parents this way!
Indeed, the friction with our parents (and children) being the best reflection we could wish for to deepen the understanding about ourselves and more and more choosing self-responsibility to heal and develop who we truly are.
I agree Oliver, wow that would change a lot of most people!! It is amazing how much we can learn so much from each other especially those closest to us.
From reading the great comments and discussions on this thread, it is evident that many mums have beared the brunt of their children’s (often daughters) harsh words, emotions and expectations to be what we know they can be, but didn’t always act out. No wonder they were thrown off track. What it makes me consider is how others can see when we are not being our true selves, and how many have held back their expressions of love in regards to my actions, and where we all might be if we all started expressing the love that we feel.
I can relate to so much of this in regards to me and my mum. By choosing to be honest and looking at my side of the fence and what I bring to this relationship I have been more able to open up to my mum, the person and not my mum – the things she may do or not do. In turn she is more open with me and it bounces back between each other and continues to do so. It has gotten to the point that rather than ignoring or pretending we haven’t noticed a little comment, a tone of voice or an unpleasant situation/action we are more likely to say ‘Hey, what was that look for’ etc without the fears or judgements of meeting a defence or a guard that when engaged with only brings up more hurt and pain between us. That guard is not there as I have started to drop the guard away from the real me it also drops away the guard towards others.
I can also relate to your story here Caroline, as I used to blame my mum for all my pent up feelings, emotions and expectations, and never expressed anything but emotions as far as I can remember. Over the years I have also begun to heal my hurts and it is amazing to feel the love we do have within us that is only there to be expressed. My commitment to this has helped my relationship with mum blossom into a beautifully supportive one. It is certainly worth the effort.
We are all just mirrors reflecting outwardly all the time. By taking responsibility for our own choices instead of blaming others for what they are reflecting back, it allows for more honest and open communication with everyone we connect with. Life is about loving our connections not avoiding them, so why not share the magic we all hold within.
Caroline so beautiful to read. In attempt to not feel how painful the reflections my Mum showed me I had a few years of non contact. Sometimes I can feel this urge still but actually what I am avoiding is what I need to feel because my pain is actually asking me to make loving choices, to no longer try to bury what’s being highlighted and to develop a deeper understanding and acceptance of myself and everyone. These reflections are asking me to be responsible.
I know making loving choices is a great reflection for my Mum. Far more powerful than trying to get her to change so I no longer have to feel how irresponsible I’ve been.
I love this Caroline is is so powerful, mother daughter relationships have a reputation of being fraught or very intimate I know I have struggled with both feelings at times. I have also found myself as a mother of two sons wanting a closer relationship with them but realising that I have to have that with myself first to trust and appreciate me and know what it s that I bring to this world.
‘I have to have that with myself first to trust and appreciate me and know what it s that I bring to this world.’ Yes Nicole for me building an intimacy with myself has allowed my other relationships to blossom in surprising ways now that there is less neediness in me.
It is such a learning to read about how us holding our truth and natural expression back is actually quite damaging and causes us to react from our hurts.
I from now on will aim to express all I feel from my truth lovingly so. Thank you Caroline!
A gorgeous gorgeous sharing Caroline and not only a healing for you but a healing for your mum to be able to read and know what you have shared about her – you adoring her so lovingly.
As I read the why behind some of your mums offerings to care from you I could feel that this is the case for many women in society- to show their care at the expense of themselves.
How beautiful if we as women honour ourselves and learn to share and express that honouring love with our children and families.
Good point you make here Johanna08.smith. So many feel its OK to help others, but in the process they are not looking after themselves. By starting to honour ourselves this tide can begin to change and we can by example show our young and others, the importance of self care first.
That was beautiful Caroline – and it has allowed me to feel into how hard I have been on my mother, when as you say she was doing something that she felt was showing her love for me. As she became older I began to feel her vulnerability and I was then able to approach her and connect to the tender woman that she had kept hidden from me for so long. It was lovely to have this opportunity to develop a closer and more loving relationship with my mother and to feel free to express how much I appreciated her warmth and love.
Caroline this is so beautiful, so honest and open about what was really going on. I can relate to much that you have shared here. I can say that I wish that I had expressed in full to my Mum growing up, but what I am learning to do now, is just express in full all the time.
Beautiful Heidi – “I can say that I wish that I had expressed in full to my Mum growing up, but what I am learning to do now, is just express in full all the time.” then there is no need for regrets or anything.
This is beautiful Caroline. I can relate to what you have written, it took me much longer to realise that it wasn’t about my Mum, that I was using my Mum as a convenient person to blame because I wasn’t willing to look at my own choices. As you say, ‘Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.’
There’s nothing sweeter than moving from fight and protection to Love.
So true kehinde2012. Beautifully expressed.
Kehinde – yes yes yes! Back to love we all return, back to letting out our love in full. Every movement, every thought, every impule love. Our home land.
So TRUE 🙂 🙂
Wow Caroline, what a beautiful development and complete shift in your relationship with you and your mum. I could look at the beautiful photo of you both for hours, because you both just look so naturally joyful and radiant, it now looks that you are a perfect reflection for each other yet again, and in a new and loving way.
Thank you Caroline, this is a beautiful blog. My relationship with my own mother changed significantly too as I was able to express my true feelings. My mother died two and a half years ago and I find that there are other relationships, family and long term friends, who are like family, that still can get very tricky. The more deeply connected to myself I am the easier these relationships are because I am listening, expressing and communicating from that true connection.
As many others have said, this is such a gorgeous story to share with us all. One which echoes much of my own life and experiences, the power in it, the message that we only can change ourselves not others. I hope your mother enjoyed reading this.
Beautiful Caroline, it is so easy to blame others for things when in fact it is us who are not expressing how we feel that hurts so much. How gorgeous it must be for your Mum to have you back and to hear how much you love her.
Thank you Caroline for sharing this great blog and well needed for a world that wants to blame and not look at our responsibility of what quality we choose to live in, but see our self as the victim that is made to live in a certain way. The gorgeous photo of you and your mum says it all . The power we have to reimprint what is not with love is a joy to behold.
Isn´t it shocking how we can bury the actual love we feel for another, by holding on to hurts?! Our whole living and experience with that person can be totally different instead of full of love- how it actually is. It is amazing how you brought it back to you and worked on your stuff instead of blaming your mum anymore. What a true way of healing*
“Isn´t it shocking how we can bury the actual love we feel for another, by holding on to hurts?!” This is so well expressed Steffi, thank you and goes to show how important it is to deal with our hurts.
This is a great point you make Steffi and rather a shocking one too. How by obstinately hanging on to our hurts we can make a relationship so problematic when it could easily be love-filled and that is the truth of it anyway! Ridiculous.
So many hurts, big ones, small ones, seemingly not there ones that are really carried for years. Surely schools should be teaching us how to deal with our hurts!! At least Universal Medicine is!
A beautiful blog that shows how honesty can take us such a long way. I could relate to issues with my parents perhaps not looking after themselves as well as I wish for them and I can see in that the great need for direct and honest communication instead of reaction. It is incredibly how we often react when what we really want is to share a deep care for another. I can look back at situations and see how much simpler they would have been with direct communication of what is actually going on for me. How you have changed your relationship with your mum to deepen it is lovely to read Caroline.
Beautifully expressed Caroline, your blog touched me deeply, your words could have been written by me, so many similarities. I also used to blame my mother for everything. I did not realise at the time that the responsibility was with me and until I addressed this nothing would change. Through Universal Medicine I have began to appreciate and accept my mother for who she is, a deeply caring, sensitive loving person and I ask myself, why didn’t I see this before… because I was too wrapped up in my own issues, and too busy keeping her at arms length to see it. Thank you Universal Medicine for presenting to all of us the truth and thank you Caroline for sharing your experience, it is beautiful to see relationships blossoming and it is never too late to change once we begin to express honestly when the focus is on love.
The appreciation for your mum, Caroline, reminds me how gorgeous my mother is. Lately I also felt such a deep love and appreciation for her even if our relationship was sometimes difficult. It was a great feeling to come back to appreciation instead of staying in the critisising mood.
Caroline, how awesome that you have been able to make this complete turn around regarding your relationship with your mother. It’s been an honorable and humbling journey and it serves as a reflection, that this is possible for all who still have difficulties within their relationships, in all areas with all people, not just immediate family. It comes back to choice.
I have also at a certain moment in my life cut out my family, to make a statement that I was different and did not want to have anything to do with the lifes they led. Unable to express my hurts, let alone express love. It took me a while to open my heart and accept everyone for who they are. Now I can see the beauty in each and every one of them, regardless of their choices and I don’t ‘need’ anything.
Thank you, Caroline, your blog hits such a strong chord for me. What are we doing when we write off our parents saying it is “too painful” to be in relationship with them? Does this not indicate that we have made the decision to identify with our hurts and given up on love? I did this with my parents, thinking they were to blame for me not feeling loved, when clearly as your story reveals it is a matter of not loving ourselves or being willing to take responsibility for our inner world, instead projecting our ‘issues’ out onto those closest to us. To express truthfully to our parents about how we feel when we observe them making choices that are not loving is such an important point that you have highlighted here, and it is inspiring to feel that it is never to late to change the way we are and bring love back into our family relationships.
So true, what you share here Janet, and one I relate with. It is not about us identifying with our hurts, rather about loving ourselves first and then being willing to take responsibility for our inner world, instead of ‘projecting our ‘issues’ out onto those closest to us’.
Wow Janet, that is a monumental thing to admit that you have given up on love. From my own experience it is the best way to describe it. Love was there it was just abandoned and neglected like you say in favor of identifying with hurts. Not a wise choice but also never too late to heal the hurts and restore the love.
I love the honesty here Janet. It is never too late to take responsibility and make changes so that there is more love in our lives. It simply comes down to choosing love or indulging in the cycle of our hurts. I too have blamed my parents especially my mother because I did not want to look at myself and take responsibility for how I was feeling. I agree Janet “To express truthfully to our parents about how we feel when we observe them making choices that are not loving is such an important point” that Caroline has made here. My relationship with my mother is changing and although it can be challenging at times I am for the first time in my life expressing to her how much I love her.
Wow Caroline this is so beautiful to read. I have felt recently how I love my mum too, I spent so many years trying to change her and not seeing how lovely she is already, this feels very sad that I was in such judgement and criticism of her and that it has been me letting go of these judgements, not my mum changing that has allowed our relationship to deepen, and become more honest, loving and respectful. I can also feel how there are other relationships that I have done this with.
Such beautiful honest sharing Caroline. I can relate to you in blaming your mother for putting other people’s needs first before her own. I too held anger and resentment towards my mother for her loveless choices, but instead of lovingly expressing how I felt I would go into reaction. Thanks to Serge Benhayon and his deep wisdom I have learnt that ‘ expression is everything’.
Beautiful Caroline and thank you for sharing your story with us. I have always loved my mum and have a very close and special connection with her. But, she used to drive me crazy sometimes and it was just me reacting to who she is and the way she did things. There was no acceptance on my part and I used to get really frustrated with her which I know was ultimately upsetting for both of us. Through my work with Universal Medicine and gaining a deeper understanding of my hurts, I have also been able heal bit by bit, which has enabled me to develop greater understanding not only for myself but for those around me as well. My relationship with my mum has depended and blossomed and I adore her more than ever. She has noticed an enormous difference in me, and she often mentions that I am who I am today because I came across Universal Medicine.
An inspiring blog Caroline that I very much enjoyed. Looking from the other side, I have been that mum, doing everything for our children in disregard of myself. Presentations by Serge Benhayon and healing sessions with esoteric practitioners have enabled me to feel how this puts up barriers between those we love. I no longer try to emulate my own mother in being all things to everyone and have started to be true to who I am in just being me. My relationships with family and friends have blossomed and is based on love and appreciating others for who they are and not doing and not trying to make anyone fit into any preconceived box.
It is so true what you reveil in your blog Caroline Raphael, that in relationships we are always a reflection of each other. Until we will see this truth we will react on this reflection as what we are confronted with are the aspects of ourselves that we do not want to see and are conveniently ignorant about.
This is a great article Caroline, very awesome, as the reflections between a mother and daughter are like reflecting our own patterns and behaviours that we sometimes we each just don’t want to see. Hence the ‘rub’ or agitation that comes up. But then to let ourselves see it all, this immense understanding brings so much healing to the relationship with self and each other. Equally, the mother – daughter relationship is essentially a woman – woman relationship which has the potential to be super powerful, and this is very clearly can be seen you the photo of you and your mum. The strength and power of women united with love.
What a deeply appreciative comment , thank you Johanne. It has helped me appreciate the healing I felt from looking at that beautiful photo of Caroline and her mother. As you so gracefully put, these women in their love equally side by side, they are united in the strength and power of that love.
Absolutely beautiful Caroline. the love between you and your mum in tangible and real blessing for us all that you share this. I love this statement “Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” Thank you this is an awesome reminder of the power and importance of expression.
I really understand now the impact on my body that holding back does, whoa it is so not worth it. Expressing the love that I am and connecting with others is the way to go for me now. What a silly idea that I believed that others can hurt me, only if I reject myself first!
I can so relate to this article Caroline! I often reacted in the same way to my Mum, and still do in some ways. I react to the feeling of her compromising herself because of how awesome and precious she is. I too have needed to learn with my expression to not react, but simply express this is how I feel in the moment. I am learning this is the case in a lot of my interactions – that feeling and expressing from my body is really the only way to go. Any other reaction allows complication and what is not me to come through, and that never turns out well!
Wow Caroline this is such a beautiful story of self-responsibility, understanding and love. I too was envious of friends who really got on with their parents and they were more like friends and could (or did) tell their parents everything. I really craved that kind of relationship with my Mum but like you can see how much I held back expressing how I adored her and instead felt that I needed to change her all of the time. Taking responsibility for me and my reactions and love for myself has changed all my relationships especially with my gorgeous Mum.
My mothers has always been an important part of my life but expression in words has never been a quality that we mastered very well. There was a period where I blamed my parents for not connecting to me on a deeper level but I was already an adult at that time and from my part was not able to connect to them either. The blaming period fortunately did not last very long. Even though we did not talk much about feelings as I would with my friends, there still was something very beautiful about the relationship I had with my mother. We expressed our love for each other in other things then words, the sacredness of our relationship felt very natural but is something I cherish now more than ever before. My mum passed over almost two years ago now. It was a very sudden event and although I accepted and admired the way she let go of her life at 81, it took a while to recover from the shock. I am grateful for the reflections I received from this most amazing woman and I know she was grateful for the reflections I could offer her.
Thank you Caroline for you beautiful blog with which you inspired me to celebrate my mother in the same way as you celebrate yours.
This is gorgeous Caroline and offers a healing to me – thank you. I can see how I’ve reacted to my mum when I see her putting others before herself, and to the detriment of herself. Rather than expressing that it hurts to see and feel this because I do love her deeply, I’ve reacted and made her wrong for doing this.
Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings. This is so true Caroline, I had spent a lifetime of holding back my expression, which kept me and my world very small. Now that I have let go of my fear of expressing (especially in groups) I have opened up and blossomed, as has my world.
I agree with what you say here Jacqueline. Nothing hurts me more than walking away from a situation and not having said what I truly felt. I used to think it was the other person that hurt me, but actually, now that I’m learning to express more, regardless of what they are doing, if I say how I feel, I am more at peace with myself, even if the situation does not get resolved.
I truly loved your sharing Caroline. I have never imagined I could say I adore or love my mom either. It just felt no matter how I tried, there was a wall that prevented me from going there. That wall I now know, is a wall I have set up to not express in truth and in love. And that wall will keep presenting itself (and yes I have tried to run away from it too—not seeing or communicating with my family) until no one else but me, is willing to take it down, simply by expressing my true feelings. From what has been experienced from the choice of truthfully expressing again, it certainly changes lives, it is so powerful that I cannot but wonder, “Would truly expressing be the answer to all we find challenging in life?”
Whilst reading your blog Caroline I could really feel and appreciate the deep love you have for your Mother.
My Mother died 2 years ago and sadly we did not connect from a deep love but from hurts and protection.
You express it beautifully here Caroline;
‘We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.’
However I can now feel a very deep love and appreciation for my beloved Mother; springing out of a deepening love and appreciation I am developing for myself.
Thank you Caroline, I know I will be returning to your blog for inspiration.
Lovely Caroline, thank you for sharing the amazing revelation! The discomfort felt in our bodies while we see our loved ones disregarding themselves is often said in a way that aggravates the tension. I could feel the multitude of ill expressions in our lives keeping us in discomfort for aeons. Until, we just make it simple and let our body speak how it feels.
Caroline, this is beautiful, and how gorgeous that you have had this realisation while your mother is still alive, and you can both enjoy each other’s true love
Thank you for sharing your beautiful blog Caroline. I could tell a similar story, albeit with slightly different behaviours. Suffice it to say, I also have made the transition from blaming my mother for heaps of stuff in my life, to letting go of all of it – and it feels so awesomely free and light, to not carry all this ‘stuff’ around. Building a new relationship with my mum now with baby steps present on her part feels as just a wonderful beginning of healing- and by holding her in the love that she is through holding me in the love that I am, we are slowly finding each other again – the healing has truly started.
I never thought I didn’t love my Mum but I have certainly had a lot of anger towards her!
‘We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.’
This says it all Caroline – once I started to deeply love and cherish myself, I could then express to my Mum truthfully and care for her deeply, adoringly and give back for all the immense love and care she has given me.
This is great Caroline: “Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings” – how very true, yes, it is the biggest tension to not express fully, and creates such anxiousness and lack of confidence. Love how you have now expressed all this, and the feeling of open space for both yourself and your mother to ‘just be’ that’s being enjoyed, and adored.
So true Zofia. Well said.
What a beautiful declaration of love for your mother, for all mothers really as we tend to all make the same mistake, blaming them (and others) for things that we are ultimately responsible for ourselves. And going into reaction and lashing out don’t help either, of course. As you have found for yourself and with the help of Universal Medicine, it is about true expression and then things truly change and for the better.
This is so true Gabriele, I can relate so much to Caroline’s deeply healing and powerful blog. I grew up thinking for sure my mum hated me and so I hardened , blamed her for everything and thought I hated her. Before all this reaction hitting reaction happened I can remember adoring my mum and cherishing her beauty and delicacy but never telling her that. As Caroline shared , not expressing that was my hurt , nothing to do with what my mum was doing or saying.Through the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I have been more honest and expressing more in all of my relationships and its been a huge relief. I can talk with my mum now appreciating her as I did when I was little and even expressing that appreciation more, our reactions at each other are less and less and we are 2 women equally expressing without the need for the other to be a certain way , for us that is a real miracle.
So beautiful to read your story Caroline. It is amazing the misinterpretation and misunderstandings that can happen when we don’t express the fullness of what we are feeling.
I love and cherish my mother also and we are a constant loving reflection for each other. When I find myself wanting anything to be different it is time for me to look in the mirror.
Dear Victoria, a beautiful message; When I find myself wanting anything (or anyone) to be different, it’s time for me to look in the mirror. So true…
Thank you very much for this beautiful and powerful sharing, Caroline. The relationship with parents is where taking responsibility and not blaming others gets most challenging for me. And, not holding back and expressing myself from the place of love and not hurt has been a great contributor in reimprinting what once was a very distant and almost clinical arrangement we had for a long time.
Gorgeous Caroline, thank you. It is beautiful to feel this declaration for the love and adoration you feel for your mum, and I cannot but reflect on my own relationship with my mum. How liberating it is to get real and honest with how we truly feel about the people that best know how to push our buttons (or so we think!)
This is such a gorgeous article Caroline. Isn’t it absolutely crazy how we end up pushing people away when underneath it all we actually adore them. All this complication and confusion get’s in the way and we say ‘stuff that’ is so off the mark of what we truly want to say or we don’t say anything at all. I, like you, love people and all their quirky ways … It’s the shutting them out and me with them that hurts more than anything for this is not my natural loving way. Coming back to me and really feeling who I am in my body and expressing from there has changed everything and has allowed me to adore myself, adore others and let them adore me too!
Wow Caroline, this is so gorgeous! I too adore my Mum who is also a reflection to me, but I too spent many many years blaming her for everything that I disliked about my life. In fact it was through the presentations of Universal Medicine that I realised I needed to take responsibility for my life, and gradually that has healed my relationships with my family.
Same here Ann, I too blamed my mother for the struggle my life became, and I was so angry at her. It is so easy to blame our parents for the short comings in our life….. but as I discovered, all I was doing was avoiding taking responsibility for my choices…… Through attending Universal Medicine, I have healed my child hood hurts, which has provided me the space to feel and express how deeply I love both my parents in the knowing that they did the best they could.
It has been for me too Anne that since attending Universal Medicine events and presentations, I went from blaming my parents for everything wrong in my life to taking full responsibility for myself and consequently, my relationship with my parents has changed dramatically. As adults we have 100% responsibility for how our lives are and if there are issues that need healing, to seek that healing for ourselves.
That is exactly what I wanted to write .. that this is a Gorgeous story. It is also one that I can relate to as I blamed my family for everything and did not take responsibility for my choices, or really know how to! I cut myself off from my family for 2 years, they didn’t even know where I was living. It was after a session with Serge Benhayon I got to feel how much this was hurting me and contacted them again, letting go of hurts and blame and starting to love them for who they are. The session with Serge wasn’t even about my family! What I also got from this was how Caroline didn’t know how to express when she was younger what she felt at the time and how this gave mixed signals to her mum and probably frustration to her. I used to do this too (and sometimes still do) not being able to express what I truly want to say. Why is this, why have we got to a point where we can’t express what is truly going on for us to another?
I know that one of the things that stops me acknowledging and saying what I feel is because I’ve already judged my feelings as wrong. If we have such a relationship where we harshly judge ourselves and censor or suppress how and what we feel, how can we speak honestly with another as we’re not being honest with ourselves.
This brings to the fore our deep responsibility in expressing truth and being clear with others.
We often can’t express to another. We are too guarded and we have too many hurts, which we are guarding so we don’t connect to the other and cannot express.
Holding back what we want to say and living ‘freeze’ speech rather than ‘free speech’.
Oh gosh Shirley-Anne I can so relate. It took me quite a while to figure out just how much I was holding back, turns out I felt so much more than I would allow myself to be aware of. Fortunately I have come to understand that reactions come from lack of expression and I have been able to re-develop my awareness, which I love, to me it is like being in the best candy story ever, being aware is so much more interesting than being unaware, we think we are protecting and keeping ourselves safe by numbing our awareness but in truth we are really causing a great deal of harm to ourselves and others and missing out on a load of fun and understanding along the way.
And Caroline, I love this photo of you and your mum – mutual adoration captured in all its exquisite beauty and expressed outward for all to see and feel the same qualities within them also. Thank you.
Yeah this photo says it all- the joy and love that is emanating is truly gorgeous to feel…
I love the photo of Caroline and her mum, so much grace and beauty and so much love. It says it all.
I agree Liane this photo of Caroline and her mum captures the beautiful relationships they have. It makes me smile every time I look at it.
Me too Bianca and Liane. Excuisite.
Thank you Liane, your comment says it all just as their beautiful photo shows it all , their mutual love and adoration. When I look into their eyes I love being a woman , I love being a daughter and I love having a mother. Caroline’s deeply touching blog helped me remember how I adored my mum as a little girl and it is opening me up to feeling that again.
“Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings” This is so true Caroline. Holding back our love hurts more than anything another can ever ‘do to us’. Thus, our love and our willing, open expression of it, is indeed our greatest form of ‘protection’.
Hear hear Liana.
It’s so true Liane, true expression is our greatest form of protection, and it feels so good. There is a definite feeling of freedom and absolute love in expressing our truth.
Recently I have been more willing to openly express my love and I’m not so sure why I was so scared of it. When expressed with no attachment, whether the love is received, rejected or goes unnoticed, it really is of no consequence to me. I allow myself to feel the love in my body and I allow it out. When we hold back our love we are holing back feeling the love also – what are we missing on!! I feel amazing having more love pouring out of me and am inspired to up the level of what I am allowing.
What is fascinating about this fact, that expressing love and being open is our greatest protection, is how it is that we ‘believe’ if not are convinced of the exact polar opposite. How deceived we become when we choose not to see the truth.
Yes Shannon, and all the wasted effort and energy to not accept and love each other, how draining it feels to waste all the energy in defence or protection.
That’s so awesome Caroline. You’ve highlighted for me how much I also kick and scream as a way to communicate, rather than express what it is I truly want to say, which is far more loving than my usual approach. Families are ever so tricky, as they can be your biggest reflection. And the worst bit, is the thing that annoys you the most about them, is usually what you dislike the most about yourself, and instead of taking responsibility for why that might be, we blame them and try to force them into sorting themselves out, simply so we don’t have to. But, as you say, you can’t change people, you can only change yourself. Everything starts with you.
Thank you Caroline for a truly beautiful blog about your loving mother. You have given me much food for thought regarding my own past relationship with my mother who passed away about 18 months ago now, at almost 103.
Your gorgeous blog really struck a chord with me Caroline. I have been very harsh with my mum on many occasions, sometimes so much so that she would end up in tears. These incidents were often sparked when I observed my Mum acting contrary to her true nature (which is pure loveliness). I can feel how imposing and abusive I was even though I was reacting to something that was not right. There was no excuse for it and it left both my Mum and I feeling devastated. Like you, I have transformed my relationship with Mum (and every other person I know/meet) with the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
This is Awesome to read LS more stories like these are very needed, inspiring others to know there is another way. We so accept that there is no other way as very few are showing it so. I read recently a cyber troll slandering a truly beautiful couple because they are well know for never ever having had a fight. This for many is almost impossible to comprehend so instead of being inspired by the sharing the cyber-troll instead decided to tear these two beautiful people apart. Time to make there normal the new normal and not the abuse we all experience today.
I can relate to this LS. I also used to react to my mum and would become imposing and abusive. It was devastating to both of us as I love her immensely and think she is an exquisitely beautiful person inside and out. Through many years of working with Universal Medicine and many healing sessions, my level of understanding and love now allows our relationship to blossom without the harshness that I used to judge her with. It is gorgeous for both of us and it just keeps getting more beautiful.
Thank you for sharing LS. We all know what it is like to hurt someone, and it doesn’t feel great. I sometimes have thought I was right as well and tried to impose that on my Mum, and it ends up messing up the whole relationship when our sole intentions are to be loving with each other.
LOVE is the ONLY way.
This is the same here – I have transformed my relationship with my mum and with others – how amazing does that feel and free of any emotions, but pure love and true care,
A beautiful, inspiring story, Caroline. How wonderful that you have such a lovely relationship now with your so caring beautiful mother. I love this sentence, “Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.” I find the amazing thing is that it is with those who are closest to us that we can have such a problem in expressing our true feelings. And yes, we so hurt ourselves as well as them when we do not express those true feelings with them. Something I am still to some extent working on.
I think the reverse is also true, we hurt those closest to us but sometimes do not express what we truly feel with strangers because we try to be polite or nice. Either way holding back or blaming others hurts us equally.
Absolutely, no one can hurt me other than myself, and this hurts not only myself but others too.
Thank you Caroline this is a story that many I’m sure can relate to in their own way. As children we know that something in another’s choice of behaviour hurts us but we may not be able to define or fully express what that is, so we can end up rejecting the person rather than calling out the behaviour. So great that you were able to see your Mum beyond her choices and realise the amazing person she actually is, as you are.
How lovely would it be if we as adults would allow our children to communicate openly and freely about what they feel and observe. Not only would our children grow up to be confident and open people but also we would be offered some very great and true reflections in our days.
Absolutely Carolien, the greatest health care there is, is supporting children to remain who they are, allowing them freedom of expression and not impose our should and shouldn’t s onto them. If we do this we will raise a healthier generation.
There is much you have shared and to be reflected on Caroline, thank you.
I can feel that if the loving expression is a bit wobbly well that is just the training wheels loosening up and all I have to do is gently love and appreciate myself that I’m in training. There’ll be another opportunity to choose more loving acceptance for us both. So no reaction needed, observing and understanding is the leading way.
What this beautiful story shares with us, is, when we give ourselves permission to express the love we naturally want and naturally are, anything and everything is possible. The fog is cleared and the expression and way of being becomes so very simple. I am so very touched and moved by this real-life ‘love story’ Caroline. Thank you.
Giving ourselves permission is a wonderful point. For there’s no-one holding a gun to our head (vast majority of the time anyway) telling us not to express what we feel.
Wow Caroline, when I read what you truly felt to say, it’s so beautiful and full. We have a tendency to think that minimising and reducing down things may make it more palatable or easier for people to hear. Yet what you show is that we all deserve to speak and hear the full story that is there.
Joseph I feel I am a master of minimising and reducing what I feel to express. Caroline’s expression is so full of life and love and I can feel how this way with family and friends is what I need to bring more of to my relationships.
Joseph thank you for sharing “minimising and reducing down things may make it more palatable…”. This has been a tool I’ve used to help negate any reaction that I had anticipated that may come because I’d spoken up. A habit I assumed long ago that is counter supportive to what is truly needed I’m discovering. Yah for connecting to my own true expression without fear or incrimination and rejection.
It’s a deep reflection how our hurts can shape relationships with people all our lives. And the hurts come when we don’t say what we feel in the moment. It seems we can grow and be stoic or we can evolve and be supported by the innate loving courage of our hearts. What is true as you share Caroline it’s never too late, there is always a choice of loving expression.
Our families are a constant reflection of all our choices (as you mentioned) and can teach us many life lessons, should we wish to learn them. We can accept and appreciate them, and take responsibility for all our choices, or we can live in constant reaction and wallow in hurt. Your story is inspirational, Caroline.
Carmin if we truly understood this it would be worth gold, hold no room to blame but plenty of space to grow and evolve from, thank you ‘Our families are a constant reflection of all our choices (as you mentioned) and can teach us many life lessons, should we wish to learn them. We can accept and appreciate them, and take responsibility for all our choices, or we can live in constant reaction and wallow in hurt.’
It is a true moment of evolution and a marker of adulthood to take responsibly for our choices and for all we have lived rather than seek to blame, project and excuse our every action as the hurt child.
How many of us carry this baggage around our whole life? And how it corrupts and taints our parenting of ourselves and our children.
I very much relate to this blog Caroline, I followed the same path of blame, reaction and rejection with my mum, though in truth it was about expression all along. Like you I also found it hard to see her offer up so much of herself and had I expressed that, the situation would have changed a lot sooner than it did. I’ve just seen both my parents twice in as many months (we live in different states) and it was great. Despite the ups and downs over the years we’ve always loved each other deeply and each time we meet that love is appreciated and expressed more and more.
Victoria, my relationship with my mother has also had a rocky past. I also know I can deepen what we have right now so that we deeply appreciate each other and accept the beauty that each of us holds.
Your blog is beautiful Caroline – to feel how far you have come in your acceptance and appreciation of yourself and your mother is something to behold.
I can relate to being hard on my mother, judgemental and demanding her to be everything – perfect and never accepting her choices that lacked love for herself. Mostly I felt upset that she did not see me yet all along I was never allowing myself to truly see her or to accept what was always before my eyes.
There is such ease and grace in allowing another to be where they are. What a great blessing for you both to have each other and what a blessing for all by your sharing your story with the world.
I loved reading this Caroline, it is amazing to feel how much you have opened yourself up to love with all and consequently with those closest. I have unfortunately ‘cut my family out’ and can see how that is the choice of someone hurt and wounded to get relief rather than truly deal with what is there. A lot to let go of and yet an opportunity to replace those ill-conceived pictures of how those relationships are with truth, connection and love.
An amazing and honest sharing Lee. Thank you it is so refreshing to read.
I agree Johanna08.smith – it is beautiful to read a comment like Lee’s, the honesty and the overall feeling that it is never too late to turn things around.
It’s very humbling to see the part that we play in our close relationships and why. We are fortunately given constant opportunities to to address these through our choices and as Caroline has so beautifully shared through the reflections that we are offered. Beautiful honesty Lee. Thank you.
Time and time again I see how we ALL want love and yet we are all saying to everyone else YOU be love first before I can be love. How much we impose on each other and how deeply harmful that is. Serge Benhayon is the first person I ever met who expresses and reflects love unconditionally with everyone and never judges or imposes. As a consequence thousands of people have transformed by being met by that reflection and discovering it is possible to be love first and you don’t need to demand that the other express it first or be a particular way. It is amazing to see what a difference one person has made and how it is catching on as more and more of us are learning to live that way and reap the huge joys and benefits.
Hear hear Nicola – exactly so: “…it is possible to be love first and you don’t need to demand that the other express it first or be a particular way. ” Very liberating as there is no more waiting and only being.
I am discovering the pain that is caused by holding back love. When we express the love that is there and drop the game of “you show me love first”, it is liberating.
What you share Nicola is gold: “It is possible to be love first…”. Yes when we are love first there is no need at all for another to be anything but how they truly are. This allows us all to be love in our own way. Delightful ways come I’ve discovered, when I stop looking or needing certain ways.
I agree in full Nicola. From the first day I met Serge Benhayon, his ability to truly love – without expectation or imposition – has changed my life, and taught me more than I can say. It IS possible and actually natural, for us to love in full, regardless of what may ‘come back at us’.
This lived, changes the course of humanity, forever.
Witnessing Serge Benhayon love in full has been a guiding light for me as well. This is so well said Victoria and the more we are learning to open our hearts once again the more we will be able to truly support humanity and the god awful mess that we have gotten ourselves into with war, famine, suicide etc
Well said Nicola, I felt the same way too, I lived that – holding everyone to ransom to be the love I wanted them to be before I would be that too. Serge Benhayon turned that around and it turned my life around. The joy is immense and I often ask myself where the arrogance came from to demand that of others when I wasn’t prepared to be that myself.
This is so gorgeous to read Caroline, it is a wonderfully inspiring read. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Caroline, there are some lessons for me to learn here. The only person I have the power to change is me. I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.
‘We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.’ There’s something about the intimacy of the mother-daughter connection that means the reflections back to each other can sometimes be massively confronting for the recipient. As you say, once you go into reaction, you’re gone. I am learning to express how I feel in the moment. That’s challenging, but so worth it. I’m finding truth, lovingly expressed, works every time because anything else is a cover, an avoidance, perhaps a blame but worst of all it’s a lack of responsibility to myself and the other person.
‘I’m finding truth, lovingly expressed, works every time because anything else is a cover, an avoidance, perhaps a blame but worst of all it’s a lack of responsibility to myself and the other person.’ So true Cathy and I am also finding that the more I allow myself to express the truth the more my relationships are evolving and allowing me to bring more of me into them.
Caroline Raphael this is gorgeous. I have just spent 10 days with my mother and I too absolutely love and adore her. She is a secret weapon that has been in hiding and I am ‘outing’ her. She is a ‘powerhouse’ like all women who loves deeply and I am embracing her as the woman that she is.
Marcia this is fantastic – yes it’s time to out the mothers who are power houses for sure. Mine is also and has been hiding but she knows that I know that she knows that I know that she is powerful just like me. My mother’s ability to connect with people is so beautiful to watch.
I love this Simone – ‘she knows that I know that she knows that I know that she is powerful just like me.’ – This is fantastic because ultimately all mothers do know they have just lived a life that has not embraced this strength and seeing there daughters make these choices is deeply inspring for them and they are bursting at the seems to go there also. Go for it mums!
When we deal with our needs it changes all our relationships that we based on fulfilling our needs. It is great to meet a family member where the relationship was based on need and to see that once the need is gone, there is love.
Very well put Christoph. I would add that dropping expectations and our pictures of ‘how things should be’ also frees things up a lot too. That way we get to meet the individual without imposing our ideals on them. That surely takes the pressure off!
That’s a great way of putting it Christoph. I can absolutely see that if I removed that need I have to be ‘understood’ by my family, then I no longer have to try and get something from them, I can just be me, which in turn just allows them to be themselves without expectations.
Great point Christoph. Ah needs, they get in the way so much! I am currently visiting my hometown and seeing family and friends, whilst it been hard to see the relationships I built on need or what was needed from me it has been such a blessing to acknowledge this and do away with it, allowing our relationships to now blossom and expose the love that has always been there.
Such a lovely blog, I can feel how the reflection we have to each other in a relationship, is often causing these misbalances and can feel how it changes when we choose to look at our own hurts and see the other for who they truly are, and that is not their hurts, and I know I can only truly love my mother when I am open with myself and willing to feel how beautiful I am, than I can see that in others too.
Gorgeous point Benkt. If we are not tender and kind towards ourselves we cannot truly bring these qualities to our relationships with others.
Indeed the degree I judge and blame others, I inevitably have already down to myself. Becoming more self-loving and less critical on myself whilst still trying to be honest with my part in dynamics has opened up a whole new level of intimacy in my relationships.
Thank you Caroline I like your simple example of how much struggle, conflicts, hurting each other, lifelong not getting along we can avoid if we express what we truly feel.
Well and simple said Esther, all the obstacles we can avoid if we but express what we truly feel.
Thank you Caroline and I really enjoyed reading this, just the title was inviting and inspiring to read the claim you have made. I can relate to all that is shared and feel motivated to start an honest conversation with my mum as I know in the past I have blamed her for so much and I too experience a caring mum towards everyone but with with no regard for herself or sense of self worth but of course until meeting Universal Medicine could not see this was just a reflection of how I was living too. Now I feel I still get frustrated with how she treats herself and is acceptable of abusive behaviours from others but I do not express this therefore holding back and not sharing the love I have developed for myself.
That point of reflection is a big one, isn’t it? I too did not understand the dynamic at play until I started attending Universal Medicine presentations. And, until I discovered Esoteric Women’s Health and the Esoteric Breast Massage modality, I had no real understanding of self-love (I had none) and the level of self-abuse I had been living with (rather high!). What I disliked in my mum was simply mirroring that which I refused to see in myself. The more I’ve started to love and respect me, the more I’ve lightened up on her.
Well said Victoria. Those we react the strongest to always have the biggest lessons for us. Always important to ask what is this situation reflecting to me, it is easy to turn tale and run and of course blame the other, get caught in right or wrong, or we can stick it out and evolve from what there is to learn. Of course, never do we accept abuse and this also needs to be discerned. P.s. have you ever noticed that you seem to always attract the same type of people, perhaps, just maybe life is trying to teach us something and until we evolve from what that is, we will continue to attract the same type of people and situations.
“What I disliked in my mum was simply mirroring that which I refused to see in myself.” – there’s food for thought Victoria and Caroline when you say “Those we react the strongest to always have the biggest lessons for us. Always important to ask what is this situation reflecting to me”. This is a whole new focus we are never presented as a possible angle to bring focus to and learning from a situation. Totally opens it out and brings it back to our own doorsteps – much more empowering also as “The only person I had the power to change was me!”
Caroline what you are sharing is huge as this speaks of the power of the choices we make and that everything is a choice. Love…not love…I too feel much appreciation for the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. No-one presents self-responiblity the same way. It just makes sense!
“P.s. have you ever noticed that you seem to always attract the same type of people, perhaps, just maybe life is trying to teach us something and until we evolve from what that is, we will continue to attract the same type of people and situations” YES!
This is Golden Harrison, someone should write a book about this.
Ha ha yes Caroline, the same type of person always appears to be a reflection for me of something I am not choosing to see…. They are so annoying! what a gift we have been offered and I have learnt to welcome those reflections now, however challenging they may seem. This blog just builds and builds with all these comments. It is awesome to read all this this morning.
Wow Caroline, there is so much wisdom and explanations in your blog. It is so obvious how we do not want to hurt our loved ones, but by that rob them of their individuality and are only prepared to accept what we have decided is the truth. No matter how big the love is we are held in, if it is not expressed in the way we expect it to be expressed, we will fight it.
Will have to translate your blog for my mother asap. Thank you.
Deeply healing to read your blog, thank you Caroline and thank you mother of Caroline for sharing this story, the story about your relationship. I have been very reactive to my mother as well for a long time and also blaming her for whatever, and I really had to grow up, take responsibility and meet Serge Benhayon to realize how absolutely gorgeous and loving my mother is. Our relationship is so much more open now than it has ever been before.
Caroline I can and I will learn many lessons from reading your story. Thank you!
What a super sweet and inspiring turn around. I ponder the trajectory that could have unfolded without your willingness to take responsibility and get honest with yourself: a reality I watch playing out every day in people’s interactions with each other. Thank you, Caroline, for sharing your story.
Great point Matilda, the trajectory was clear without the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I can say with practically all certainty that I would have a very challenged if not completely severed relationship with my family. We had a lot of hurts to deal with and without the support and understanding Universal Medicine has brought I doubt I would have been able to turn around what we where choosing to live to the complete love we have today.
Your story and reply to Matilda, really show me Caroline how easy it is to harbour our hurts, blame and judge others for it, but you have shown that with honest self-reflection, (and your part in the dynamic with your mum) how this can be turned around to not only heal your hurts but also turn around the quality of relationship.
So true Matilda until I took responsibility and got honest with the judgement and blame I was bringing to my relationship with my mum nothing changed. Caroline’s honest sharing is very inspirational and I can feel how the love flows now when I take down my protective barriers.
Beautiful to read about the love and adoration you have for your mum and how you now feel able to express this to her.
It was very familiar to read your account of deciding to cut your family out of your life because it hurt too much to see them hurt themselves. Our expressions of love are quite often filtered through a sieve of our own unresolved issues, turning them from love into something less than the truth.
It is awesome that you have been able to come to the realisations that you have had regarding expressing love and your relationship with your mother!
Yes Naren. I know so many people that would relate to the ‘cut the family off’ tale. It is difficult to watch another make choices that do not support them. Caroline’s story shows that the truth is the ‘cutting off’ is actually a way of avoiding responsibility for our own choices, it is not really about blinding ourselves to the choices of others, for if we make truly loving choices ourselves we are not invested in what others choose.
Such a beautiful blog Caroline. I feel inspired to go deeper into where I might still be holding hurts from and judgements of my beautiful mother – and of course, by reflection, where I still hold them towards myself. Thank you.
So True Lucy.
It is a great reflection to see what it is we react to in another – gives a clue as to where the work is needed with ourselves .
And for how long have we been blind to the reflection but only blaming it for dazzling and disturbing us, instead of turning our eyes towards ourselves to see what is highlighted by the reflection.
Yes Alex, what is it that disturbs us and how long have we been blind! When I start looking I find that whichever person I have reacted to the most has only presented me with something, a pattern, a behaviour or an experience that has been before, it is way too familiar. there is frustration that boils over into one person being the messenger but there is equally fury at myself for being there again – supposedly on the receiving end of this injustice. We have an opportunity to be so loving and tender with ourselves when we react to another. To see if this is a repeating pattern and if so why it needed to be repeating, what is our responsibility? are we perhaps holding back an expression that would have shared how we felt that would in fact have stopped what we perceive to be the offending behaviour earlier?
What a beautiful revelation and ending to your very honest and inspiring sharing Caroline thank you. I am deeply touched and moved by your ability to express love fully and can feel the hurts and pain of not expressing all we truly feel inside .Bottling everything up and making our lives a painful experience simply from ignoring this natural way of being who we are feels a sad state for human life to have got to. But the awareness and reflection from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine is the greatest gift to humanity .Learning to express ourselves and the love we are and hold for each other really underneath our protection will be the way to change ourselves and the way the world is .This is much needed and your blog is an amazing inspiration.
What a beautifull read Caroline – laying down the armour really pays off, as I’ve discovered too.
‘Laying down the armour…’ when I appreciate the graphic representation of this picture Matt, it feels so hard and unnecessary to keep up the protection. Unless we lay it down, we wither inside and hold back the true love and beauty we are. The armour is truly restrictive, self destructive and damn uncomfortable! Beautiful to read Caroline’s experience of ‘laying down’ her armour. Thank you!
Yes I just lay down the armour and it is so so so lovely to do so. Confronting and challenging but awesome. Lovely story Caroline about letting go of blame and letting your love for your Mum out. Awesome.
So true Matts. Laying down the armour has transformed many of my relationships and the evolution and growth for all of us has been amazing.
The greatest hurt from an experience like is not from the other person not choosing to be Love, but from ourselves not choosing to step up and hold them in our own love and care ourselves. This we always have a choice to do regardless of the situation before us.
Very true Joshua. It is always a choice. A choice that may take a little dedication and practice to make continuously in life, especially coming from old patterns.
The beauty of life is that we a re forever learning and always given another opportunity to choose love.
Great point Johanna and those opportunities often arise from the reflections from others in our relationships, sometimes I find these reflections uncomfortable but if I stay open to that person and to learning we can both grow in our love.
This is beautiful Joshua, wouldn’t the world be a different place if we held others in love and accepted them for who they were instead of blaming them and harbouring hurts.
I enjoyed reading your blog Caroline. It is amazing how much we blame our parents for not being how we would like them to be, without actually seeing how amazing they are. My mother is now 88 and still enjoying life and the more I am able to see her for who she is and not just see her as my mum, then all the expectations of how I would like her to be drop away and I can enjoy her for who she is.
Caroline your gentle, clear honesty is appreciated. That you’ve arrived at the place where nothing stands in the way of you just loving your Mum is truly amazing.
So gorgeous to read Caroline. My experience is exactly the same, I would push away any loving attention just because I did not love myself and did not express how I truly felt. This felt very much as a self-made prison to me. Now through the support of Universal Medicine and the wisdom presented at their workshops and presentations I also started to love myself and this has been the key to allowing myself to express my love for other as well as let in love from others.
Wow Caroline. What you have written is as beautiful as you are – inside and out.
This is so beautiful to read and so appropriate on what would have been my mother’s 91st birthday. I can really relate to being each other’s reflections and how we were ‘constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.’ My mother died 16 years ago and at the time I thought I had worked through my issues with her but I am still finding things come up that I need to let go of and today I am choosing to appreciate all that she gave me and how deeply we loved each other. Thank you so much Caroline for sharing your love and adoration for your mother.
A very important topic in itself but that aside, what a beautiful sharing of your unfolding relationship with yourself and your mother. I can certainly relate to this in many ways, most notably wanting to change other people. I have found that this is because of not wanting to take full responsibility for myself and my choices/decisions but also sometimes because I haven’t wanted to be the one to take responsibility and initiative to be the maker of change. But as is evident in your blog, change supports everyone equally.
I can relate to this Shannon. We often want others to ‘change’ to relieve the tension that is created within us when we do not express the love we so naturally are. Funny thing is, the tension remains regardless for it is ours to feel and when we give ourselves permission to release the love that is already there, not only does the tension subside but others are often inspired to release more of the same from within them. Therefore, the key to ‘changing’ people, as with all things, begins with our ability to be love. That it is this simple is an indication of the complication we have allowed to get in the way…
Liane – absolute gold. The key in everything is our ability to be love. Our ability to express the love that we are. The simplicity of the love.
Yes, I too get stuck in the need of people to change and be a certain way to make me feel better about how I am. Like you say Liane – the tension is mine to feel and the relief is fleeting. Getting caught in the want for others to do the healing for me or the changing actually gives my power away – I am attempting to hand over my journey. This never works – thank God, then I would miss out on the magic of reconnecting to who I truly am and living the love I am here to live.
Absolutely Nailed it Liane, the tension in trying to change someone is because at that moment we haven’t chosen to be love. And the key to changing things in the world is to be love, brilliant.
Absolutely Liane. Our ability to love and to understand observationally is the all-important factor in relationships. Not until I met Serge Benhayon did I fully appreciate, feel and understand the power of reflection in our lives. Only the other day at a course, I was walking past a little baby, only a few weeks old, and the power of his reflection healed a protection I was carrying about the birth of my daughter’s new daughter. At some level I was afraid that she would lose this child like all the others and i couldn’t fully open my heart to welcome the new little one about to come. Fully registering this baby’s reflection however helped my heart. Very powerful experience.
Yep, we often want the other to change, instead of taking responsibility ourselves. We fool ourselves by thinking we ‘cut’ the hurt out of life by not seeing the other, that so called hurt us. But that is an illusion, for we are love. And we have to force and hurt ourselves to not be love.
I was touched by your blog Caroline, and can relate to much that you have written. As a teenager and into my 20s I was quite heartless in how I treated my mum. In the past few years since attending Universal Medicine we have become so close and so honest, and I too have come to realise that I love my mum too.
I too can relate Maree and Caroline to spending too much time in the past judging my mother for my perceived hurts and issues growing up. What really changed for me was when my Mum called me on it and I was able to see and appreciate how much she loved me and supported me through the years.
Caroline, thank you for sharing such a poignant part of your life . In families it can be difficult to communicate how we feel if we have not been encouraged to , or didn’t know how to. In my family I was discouraged from expressing anything that might upset someone at the dinner table and I learnt from this experience to not ” rock the boat”, consequently as I grew up I still carried the same behaviour and was classified as shy or quiet. It is something that I am only now learning to do, and value my expression and myself as much as I value others. It is lovely to know that you and your Mum have reconciled and are so close now and love and value each other so much. Thank you Caroline.
Oh yes Roslyn, I can so relate to this ‘do not rock the boat’ behaviour chosen in childhood – it felt very unsafe and threatening to do so for many years. Attending presentations by Serge Benhayon continue to inspire me to value and bring my expression to more fullness –
“It is something that I am only now learning to do, and value my expression and myself as much as I value others.”
I agree Stephanie. There has been and still is a slow but fairly gentle re-connection back to what is my own innate safe and loving space to build my expression from. Backing myself absolutely has been a foundational part of this process.
It is amazing how so many people are not encouraged to express within their families – the place that they should feel safest to be themselves. However, it is never to late to relearn how to communicate and express yourself, as this blog shows.
How we can hurt the people we love when we don’t know how to express what we truly feel! Thank you for writing this gorgeous loving blog, for all the daughters and mothers who do truly love each other as you and your mum do Caroline.
So true Bernadette. I’ve noticed too there’s a mile of pain created when we don’t take the time to communicate what we feel. I know I have used a lot of shorthand in my expression, and often frustration, when a great deal of detail was actually what was required. I’ve come to realise I believed I was never worth the time and space needed to express in full – a good belief to drop.
And so often our picture is completely different to the other persons which can easily come to light and resolve great imbalance and potential conflict rather than not going there, leaving what is ‘not said’ hanging suspended in air and allowing a swell of unresolved emotions, ideas and assumptions which gather in complexity and harm us all.
Understanding that we hurt the people we love when we don’t know how to express what we truly feel is gold Caroline and Bernadette. It provides the impetus to not hold back and provides the opportunity to deepen the love in all our relationships.
The blog reminds me how I can get stuck in trying to ‘fix’ what I think is wrong with the world. I’ve tried that with my parents too, thinking I’m bringing this great revelation but really its all laced with my own hurts and reactions so must be incredibly difficult to hear.. especially from their own son. However, Universal Medicine have helped me to see that appreciating other people is what really works, while working on what we can be responsible for… and that way the love grows in us, and expands out into the world.
I completely agree Simon. I have observed that whatever I say, no matter how great a revelation I think it is, is not energetically true if it is said from a place of reaction. Therefore it is neither helpful or healing and more likely to be harmful. So often we think we are trying to help others but really we are wanting to change them to protect our hurts because we don’t like seeing their choices. This is selfish and just makes the whole situation worse. The key for me is to stop demanding that things be the way I want them to be, to stop trying to control situation and instead to observe and bring in understanding.
This is so true Nicola, ‘we think we are trying to help others but really we are wanting to change them to protect our hurts because we don’t like seeing their choices. This is selfish and just makes the whole situation worse. The key for me is to stop demanding that things be the way I want them to be, to stop trying to control situation and instead to observe and bring in understanding’. Absolutely, likewise I am choosing to be love, to observe, understand, and accept where they are.
Well said Nicola. “The key for me is to stop demanding that things be the way I want them to be, to stop trying to control situation and instead to observe and bring in understanding.” It is the observation that gives us that step back out of reaction’s way so that we have the space to understand what is going on for the other without bringing ourselves into the equation.
Very wise words Nicola, the impulse to change another is like a knee jerk reaction and rather a poisonous one once one gets that it is all about protecting oneself from the pain of seeing what ‘they’ are doing. I find the key is the same as yours, letting go of wanting it to be different and bringing a big dose of observation and understanding.
Absolutely – the quick, get it out of my awareness fix…which only serves to put us into a deeper fix…attached to the situation needing to be different and holding on to views with dogged stubbornness. We are left with the existing hurt and top this with the hurt of abandoning our great wisdom and infinite understanding and bringing harm to another.
‘The key for me is to stop demanding that things be the way I want them to be, to stop trying to control situation and instead to observe and bring in understanding’. I really relate to this Nicola. The more I learn about self love and self care the more I see of myself and also others, especially when they make choices that limit or harm them. There are fine lines between being honest with someone, judging and offering true support. I’ve learned the hard way that the best support we can offer another is to let them be, regardless of their choices. As everything is energy even sending an article from a true and supporting website, if sent without love or without asking the person first, can be construed as meddling or trying to control. Looking out to at the choices other people make can be a way of avoiding looking at ourselves.
Love what you’ve said here Nicola, it is true – if we don’t apply humbleness and understanding it will not be heard or received, no matter how ‘true’ it might seem to be.
Yes, we all long to be understood and accepted. Just as we sought this from our parents when we were younger, our parents and all others, need this understanding from us. Otherwise, when we demand others to be a certain way with no understanding, we are just having a temper tantrum with the world that hurts everyone, including ourselves.
Beautifully said Nicola. I can feel when I am in reaction my awareness is shut down and I then lose the opportunity to understand what is going on.
Well said Nicola. We have these conditions on life, and if people and events don’t match up to those we react big-time. And, as you say, there can be no truth if words come from reaction and not love. This kind of controlling totally is a form of self-protection because we can’t face feeling our own hurts or, as you say, we don’t like seeing others’ choices.. We have built castle walls around us in this way, always on the look-out over the parapet. Time to let those walls crumble and open-heartedly embrace what is there before us, not the damaging behaviour, but the Son of God who mistakenly bought into that behaviour.
‘Working on what we can be responsible for…’ That is so it Simon – that is how we change the world, not by forcing our views on others from a place of reaction but by living and being the change we want to see. And that means really embodying it, not just talking about it. I’m starting to learn exactly what this means, or rather, exactly how it feels.
I have also been through that painful experience Simon. Feeling I was giving great advice to my parents and then being annoyed that it wasn’t being accepted. I know now it was very arrogant of me, and all the while I was very stubbornly not looking at my own hurts and what I could do to make more loving changes for myself. It is wonderfully healing to let go of the picture of how you think people should be, and start to lovingly accept them for who they are. That only started to happen when I did 1t for myself.
Yes, Simon I can relate to what you share about getting stuck in trying to ‘fix’ what I think is wrong with the world. But as you say they are only coming from my own hurts and reactions. Universal Medicine has brought so much understanding towards me that I am learning to bring understanding towards others.
Rachel this is great, I carried such hurt at feeling misunderstood, feeling like no one really knew me. Not till I met Serge Benhayon did I actually feel the relief that someone finally gets me. From this I started to develop confidence in living the real me again. Today I watch the same occur for thousands of others, people starting to trust and have confidence in themselves again. As it has been said many times, this needs to be taught in schools, do this and we break the cycle of hurt once and for all.
This makes so much sense to me Simon – I have found myself not seeing the beauty of where everyone is at with their owns choices and having expectations that things can be fixed to be better for them. Just writing these words now feels awful, disrespectful and imposing. So why did I go there? – To avoid the reflection back to me of my own choices.
I can relate to what you are saying here Simon in the reverse though trying to fix situations with my children totally laced with my own hurts and if they could be certain was I wouldn’t have to feel my hurts.
Caroline this is such a powerful and important piece of writing thank you… blaming our parents is such a commonplace thing, even when we don’t really think we are. What you show is that hurts don’t come by the actions of another, but from what we choose to take on about those actions in relation to ourselves. This is life changing… as to see all that was required was to have expressed in full what was actually felt in relation to those actions… rather than reacting and behaving in a manner that is in turn likely to be hurtful to them, seems so simple.
So true Jenny.
Makes one wonder how much of the way we live life is a reaction to having not expressed what was there to say in the first place? Talking seems such a simple step to take rather than carry a mountain full of unexpressed feelings with us.
Deborah I would have a stab at answering your question and say that the world as it currently is, is simply one massive reaction. I reckon that over 95% of what goes on is a reaction, perhaps higher. That’s pretty shocking and it then leads to the question, if most of what is going on is a reaction, then how hard is it for most people not to react ?
And if most of our interaction is reaction, than what is the quality of our interaction?
What are we actually communicating and expressing to each other? Our unresolved hurts as a result of looking at the world through a filter of our unhealed issues?
Jenny, I love what you have added to Caroline’s sharing especially, ‘What you show is that hurts don’t come by the actions of another, but from what we choose to take on about those actions in relation to ourselves.’ This too is life changing when we connect with the truth of it. Holding back and not expressing has been huge for me and is still a work in progress. Caroline’s gradual understanding of herself and her mother’s love, is truly beautiful and inspiring.
This is life changing Jenny, ‘hurts don’t come by the actions of another, but from what we choose to take on about those actions in relation to ourselves.’ All we have to do is express fully, from the love that we naturally are, what we are feeling in relation to those actions.
It is funny how we can turn things around to make them so complicated isn’t it. You are so spot on here Jenny – if we just said what we felt, laid it all bare, how much more simple would life be. I deeply appreciate Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and all those who are committed to communicating and expressing from what they are feeling and not holding back. It is a constant source of inspiration.
Great point Jenny and Simone. Expressing what you feel and not holding back. This is definitely something worth working on and developing in all our relationships even if at times it is so very very uncomfortable. Being ok with being uncomfortable and expressing in full, until expressing in full is normal.
Gorgeous Jenny, I have certainly found that blaming our parents for our hurts doesn’t serve anyone. But understanding and opening up serves all.
Yes Jenny I agree this is life changing and it needs our commitment to be honest or truthful all of the time.
So true Jenny…..Imagine how different the world would be, if everyone knew that the truth of our hurts doesn’t come from the actions of another, But from what we “choose to take on about those actions in relation to ourselves.” It makes so much sense, for us all to be honest with ourselves and take responibility, in different situations…what is my part in this situation happening now? What do I need to truely express from my heart?
Yes Jody and Caroline, this is the key to the whole thing about human discord and disease. We have been hoodwinked into thinking that we can protect ourselves by blaming another for the way things are going, whereas if we take responsibility, look at what we ourselves are actually registering feeling, and deal with that chances are we will come out with deep understanding and love about the whole situation. So empowering!
And this in itself is the magic of healing …. “It makes so much sense, for us all to be honest with ourselves and take responibility, in different situations…what is my part in this situation happening now? What do I need to truely express from my heart?” What a formula to free yourself from blame and irresponsibility. Thank you Jody.
This is gold, what a blessing for both of you that you were able to get to the bottom of why your Mum’s ways annoyed you. By taking responsibility you are able to see your part and then just let her be.
Amd I love how she didn’t have to change, you now just love her for being who she is- GOLD!
Yes, I agree this is deeply inspiring and healing. To allow another to be and to love them deeply.
Caroline, as I read this I can feel the love and appreciation I have for my mum but am also reminded of all the times I have been hard on her or not given her the time she needed. Its not until we have this appreciation of our mums that we truly can look at how we may have reacted to the refection of ourselves that we have seen in them.
Very true Anne, my mother reflects so much to me and it has in the past been easy to blame her or avoid her rather then look at what it is in myself that she is bringing up.
I too have found that we need an appreciation of our mums for us to have an understanding of the reflection they give us.
I find it amazing how many arguments we get into with people we love, simply because we haven’t actually expressed what we are feeling – how many could we avoid by simply being honest and saying that something hurt or doesn’t feel right, rather than reacting. So many people see arguments as a normal part of any relationship, but what you’re presenting is that actually, underneath all that, when you connect to the deep love and care you have for that person and express it, there is no need for tension or upset.
I agree Rebecca, where we override what we are feeling, bury are hurts and not express what we feel or are unsure how to express what we truly feel. So many arguments, upsets, pain and anger could be healed if we took more care in how we expressed to others and be a reflection of this for the next generation. I am learning more and more through what Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have presented in that ‘Expression IS Everything’. The way in which we express constantly truly matters.
This is so true Rebecca some people can not even fathom being in a relationship without arguments.
I agree, we argue so much with the people we love and a lot of the time we don’t know why we are arguing because it is nothing to do with what the real hurt is. It is shocking how arguments are seen to be normal. Like in relationships it is proclaimed to be alright to argue because it brings you closer together. Doesn’t this seem crazy?
I agree Ben it is crazy, that we not only fight with the one’s we love, we actually believe it is acceptable and normal. There is nothing normal about fighting you only have to watch young children play to see that it is not part of our natural make up.
Absolutely Caroline,
Being in relationship with others could be child’s play yet we manage to bring complexity and disharmony to many of our relationships – bringing the baggage of unresolved hurts and expressing our own pain rather than seeing another with fresh eyes and expressing the love we are.
Great comment Rebecca – those pesky reactive arguments should be avoided at all costs as they are clearly not a normal part of any relationship.
Beautifully said Rebecca. And it’s so true that many of us see arguing as a “normal part” of relationship. This was my experience prior to being introduced to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon and it has only been through developing a love and care for myself that I have learnt there is another way to be in relationship, and that honesty, awareness, expression and taking responsbility are amongst these keys to this being a different way.
Beautifully expressed Rebecca and so very true – it is so easy to get into an argument with a loved one (or anyone for that matter) when we hold back from expressing what we are feeling.
So often we don’t simply ask another why they behaved a certain way, or made a choice that doesn’t make sense to us. If we did, instead of assuming we know, there would be many more openly loving relationships and much less perceived hurts.
This is great Heather, and a key step in my healing process. Accepting that I don’t know everything. In my early discussions with my mum I stopped assuming and really started asking. I started asking why she said what she said or did what she did and I can honestly say every answer completely blew me away, I seriously did not know. Our hurts and need to protect ourselves often makes us read and interpret situations incorrectly, the greatest thing I ever did was accept I didn’t know.
Wow I used to be so arrogant and dismissive, especially of my Mum, that I never considered she was a person in her own right and assumed so much based on my narrow mindedness. It’s been lovely to hear what she has to say and appreciate who she is, not my 2d version.
What Heather and Caroline have both shared here touches me, I have been the daughter who was frustrated and the mother who frustrated. The going around and coming around has been in my face. I love the guidance to not presume we know in both cases. To ask more questions and to understand how another person feels ensures they feel understood and when I share how I feel I can imagine it will be substantially less loaded with assumptions.
Lucy so true, so many misconceptions between people, especially those we love deeply. A while ago now mum and I had a disagreement before going to bed and I remember feeling so upset that we had left each other like that. But at the time I didn’t know what else to do. On reflection before going to bed I realised who cared who was “right” or “wrong” all I cared about was how we left each other was not loving. So in the morning I went into my mum to see how she was, I was a little nervous as I was unsure of how she was going to be with me so in hindsight I can say I was already on guard. I crawled into bed next to my mum to just cuddle her and to my horror she moved away from me. My first reaction based on the perception that she was rejecting me was to get up and walk out the room, but didn’t and instead decided to express and asked “mum why are you moving away from me” and to my utter amazment she said “I am not I am making more room for you”. I was so deeply humbled and in that moment years of mis-understandings stood in front of me showing me just how difficult I had made life because I had not expressed and instead chosen to react. Something I got to truly understand that night is love is so much stronger than any disagreement.
This is very True Heather. I was taught in my first job to never ‘assume’ for it makes an ass (out of) u (and) me.
We deny another true expression by the judgement we hold to know and if we hold back true expression then we will never arrive at the needed understanding that is being offered in that moment for each of us.
That is so true Rebecca. When we connect to how much we cherish the other person, then any tension or argument becomes an opportunity to go deeper in a true relationship with them. We don’t shut ourselves off in such circumstances and keep them out, instead, and even though it’s uncomfortable, there can be such a willingness to look at what’s really going on — and in my experience every time this happens, there’s an opportunity for so much more honesty and truth between two people who let themselves be seen in all their vulnerability. A truly beautiful way to be in relationship.
Yes, Rebecca, spot on. We often react because we do love so deeply, we just haven’t learnt how to express all of that love when we are hurting or sad. Being more understanding (rather than reactive) and expressing with honesty all of the love we feel is the medicine we all need in relationships.
Absolutely amazing Wisdom Rebecca. If we said things weren’t feeling right straight up, and communicated everything openly straight away it would create so much less complication and drama and people wouldn’t fight as often. I am really inspired by what you say, in the long run it is far better to be honest about EVERYTHING, rather then have some things we reserve or hold back.
Very true Rebecca and Harrison it is far more simple if we express straight up what we are feeling, it also guarantees we do not go into hurts. Hurts are only there when we do not express and in our lack of expression we open ourselves up to energy that fuels and creates hurt.
Reading this bought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your honest sharing Caroline. There is a lot here I relate to. My mother has passed away and the build up of all the love I never expressed to her has tormented me tremendously at times. What I feel in your experience is that you have become much more understanding of your mum, who she is and how she chooses to live, this is beautiful and I can feel has created a lot of space for you to express your love. I have learned that expressing my love now is healing the hurt I have been holding, the love I never expressed to my mother when she was alive.
That’s beautiful, Abby – “expressing my love now is healing the hurt I have been holding”. Expressing love is so healing because it confirms who we are in our essence and re-connects us to the truth. This can heal any old hurt, blame or sadness by helping us to understand and accept that in those moments we were simply not being our naturally loving selves.
Beautifully expressed both Abby and Janet. Our relationships with out mothers is never far from us, even if they have passed on. For me it is about love and the knowing of love and warmth that mothers represent. We feel love, missing or present when the term ‘mother’ is expressed. For me despite our joint imperfections, I can feel the woman my mother is, her hurts and inadequacies. Sometimes I wish she were different and know that my hurts are judging her. Healing of our hurts is perhaps feeling the mother within ourselves who can love us unconditionally and allows us to heal the hurts of life.
Very well said Janet and Abby. Expressing is deeply healing – unlocking all that we have denied, held back and therefore brought ill to our body.
Expression is true medicine and as Caroline has shared beautifully has infinite healing power.
Deborah I agree that expressing is deeply healing and often it is just as healing for the person who is receiving the expression as it is for the person who is actually expressing..
Exactly Alexis, expression develops connection – with oneself and with others.
A powerful example of the healing power of expression.
Why do we leave it until someone is ill or dying to express how we really feel?
My grandmother used to say ‘bring me flowers while i am alive – don’t wait until I can no longer enjoy them’…this has reminded me to appreciate what is right in front of our noses and to never hold back in expressing what is there to be said.
I grew up in a family that hardly expressed. Yes, we talked but there wasn’t an expression of how or what we were feeling. We clearly weren’t the best reflections for each other, as none of us were really expressing, so there was nothing highlighting that this was in anyway quite strange behaviour for a family. Then in walked Serge Benhayon and his family and I had a new marker for expression. Their reflection is now a constant marker and reflection of all that is possible to live and express.
Absolutely Vicky. A reflection of true family and true relationships and expression in full with no holding back – Thank God for the Benhayon’s for leading the way.
Agree Abby, acceptance and an allowing of people to ‘just be’ creates a space for flow of exchange, the ease that Caroline has. When we have demands of another to change we reduce this space and it becomes dense where there is no ‘movement of acceptance’. Over the years developing and deepening acceptance has been so freeing: the more I accept who I am and express the love I am, the easier it is to be with others.
This is a beautiful sharing Abby as it shows that expressing love towards any person is not reduced to that person, but in our overall expression of love. It is about expressing love every single day towards every single person. This is why when we feel we did not express love towards a person who passed away we can heal it by just expressing more our love generally. That is so beautiful as it shows us our divine origins and that we are all coming from one source.
Abby, I can relate to your comment above to Caroline’s beautiful blog, about feeling as though your expression of love to your Mother was held back. Is it possible there was something going on here in the form of ‘reflection’. I wonder at this, for I felt when my Mother was alive, especially so in my childhood, that the deep love I tried to express and knew was deep in my heart was not in my eyes understood, reciprocated, or reflected – but there may lie the perception of a need-full child. Interesting to ponder on. I truly sense the love in your words “I have learned that expressing my love now is healing the hurt I have been holding…..”
I realise that I can bring a lot more understanding to people, especially my family and my mother so that I can love them and adore and more importantly express how it is I feel about them. Caroline’s story is very inspiring.
For me as well, it is such an inspiering blog! I wonder why it feels so uneasy to express how much we love someone or to simply express when we feel hurt.
Deeply inspiring and a potential for True mother-daughter relationships.
That is so beautiful Caroline. I can certainly relate to what you have written, though it took me many more years than you to realise that it wasn’t about my Mum at all. That I was using my Mum as a convenient person to blame because I wasn’t willing to look at my own choices, which were less than loving towards myself and subsequently others. I get the hurt you felt and this has changed for me too, as I woke up to the fact of self responsibility thanks to Serge Benhayon. I have much more love and understanding now and can see her for the beautiful woman she is and always was.
Yes, Jeanette, I can relate to this completely. What a great wake up call to live more responsibility when we finally understand how our choices impact everyone (including ourselves) and how healing for all parties concerned – “it took me many more years than you to realise that it wasn’t about my Mum at all. That I was using my Mum as a convenient person to blame because I wasn’t willing to look at my own choices, which were less than loving towards myself and subsequently others”
Caroline, my mum and I were reflections of each other too, and i spent years of my life ‘fighting her off’ , she was such a strong character. And then as she grew old I began to see the sheer beauty and love of her then frail but indomitable character, And all else fell away, and there was only love.
Caroline this is a deeply moving and inspiring blog. I can relate to almost every word you write here. Much work has been done with recognising how I used to blame and wanting my mother to be different to make me feel ‘better’ about myself without having to change myself. – rather a big ouch here! Through deep changes I have made with my choices and being more responsible I have begun to see very clearly –
“What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first”.
Caroline, that is such a beuatiful sharing. I can so relate to what you are saying about not expressing the truth and bottling it up so that it became so hurtful inside that it came out poisoning and with a sting. I was imprisoned in this behaviour myself and with the support from Universal Medicine and learning that it all starts with the way I honour what I feel in every moment and express accordingly, this denigrating and harmful pattern no longer has a hold on me.
A great reflection for me here too Eva, because I too have often criticised, blamed or judged others based on my own hurts and yes, with many a sting at times (ouch!). The more I have become aware of this, and am willing to be honest about how I’m feeling, the more I make it about me and less about another (and what they are / aren’t doing etc.). It’s very freeing to take responsibility for our own hurts and to keep expressing and the easier it is to be open to, and appreciative of others!
Angela and Caroline it’s such a small sentence to say that ‘ we can’t change another and so can only really ever take reponsibility for how we feel’.. In homes, work places, in the community, on the roads, in schools, colleges, universities, governments, everywhere in fact people are blaming others for how they feel. If we were to each take responsibility for how we feel than the world would literally be a different place.
You are right Alexis, blaming something for my condition is a huge part of the human way of thinking and an utter delusion. And what I’ve discovered, contrary to how it is commonly thought about, is that taking full responsibility for my life and everything that happens in it, is wonderfully empowering, freeing and completely changes my relationships with others – without perfection of course.
Well said Alexis! “If we were to each take responsibility for how we feel than the world would literally be a different place.”
The word responsibility seems to have lost its truth in today’s world. It is almost a bad word, in that to take responsibility is to punish or blame yourself. With the support of Universal Medicine I have come to see that responsibility is a very very cool word. Taking responsibility for the way I drive affects others on the roads, and for the way I walk affects those around me. The responsibility I speak of is to be myself, and hold all equal to me, and in that I live responsibility every day, with not an ounce of blame in sight.
So true Heather – there can be an association of dread, marching up to the headmasters office and some arduous path in front. I wonder if this discomfort is really just us not wanting to feel that we have been living a reckless carefree life without consideration of how our choices impact others?
Alexis it is incredible how far and wide we are prepared to spread our hurts … some with and without conscious awareness. The impact this has on everyone affects everyone yet we can justify because we are hurt. If we taught a choice of being responsible for our hurts your spot on the world would be a different place.
So true Sandra. The very simple reality of how we perceive the world, and force our blame, frustration and anger on to others, when we live life without taking responsibility for how we think we have been hurt has a massive impact.
The world would be so different if we all took responsibility for ourselves in this.
These are great points Heather and Sandra, responsibility can be seen as a dirty word, yet it is the most loving thing you can be for another. Thank you for expressing what you have here, this is one of the very first things we should be taught. If we all took responsibility for how our actions impacted on another we would be living in a very different world.
These are great points Heather and Sandra, responsibility can be seen as a dirty word, yet it is the most loving thing you can be for another. Thank you for expressing what you have here, this is one of the very first things we should be taught. If we all took responsibility for how our actions impacted on another we would be living in a very different world.
Very well said Sandra , Heather and Caroline.
Responsibility is Love and what a difference our world will be if this is known by all and lived from the start.
Yes, it is wise to consider the reflection and why we may be disturbed by this in some way…for this is a great gift we deny ourselves of when we blame others for bringing it to us.
This is great reading your comment Eva. I was not aware how much i hold back and not communicate with my parents how i really feel. Rather playing a role which i realize now. But not even realizing it or not wanting to look at it honestly. Always wondering why i have so much resistance to visit them. This blog is amazing to look closer at the relationship with my mother/parents.
Me too Eva, I have come to realise that bottling things up turns the simplest of situations into a seething volcano, which tends to splatter everyone in the vicinity when it explodes. Not a great way to express oneself! The teachings of Universal Medicine have shown me that expression is everything and slowly I am realising that if I express what I am feeling in the moment nothing is given the opportunity to fester and grow.
Thank you Rowena,
You have inspired me to speak up in the moment. I have been one to let things fester and grow, doing this things just get more complicated and difficult. I like the feeling of simplicity that responding in the moment offers.
Yes Eva, expressing truth is key to a healthy and loving life. I too have bottled things up for years and then felt resentful towards others and blamed them for how I felt. What I know now is that I am responsible for how I feel, and if something doesn’t feel right then it is up to me to say so. Not only do I then clear what’s not true from my own body but I give another the opportunity to see that maybe there is another way to say or do something without hurting anyone. This is still a work in progress but something I am much less anxious about expressing since being inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Caroline’s example of her expression in full -as opposed to the reaction, shows me how I had a choice to be loving with many people who were reflecting choices of my own I had difficulty living with and was reacting to. This level of honesty I had hitherto ignored , vehemently so when younger, is something I am inspired to further develop so that my relationship with myself and others can be loving, not reactive.
Your revelation on you and your Mother being each others biggest reflections is lovely, I sometimes still feel frustrated at why my mother never takes any self care but is always doing everything for others. I see that all I need to be is a true reflection to her and speak my own truth to allow her space to be who she is too.
Thank you for sharing Caroline.
So true Andrew. I have been taking this loving approach with my family. And the evolution of our relationships has been amazing.
Great to hear Anne-Marie, I too used to get frustrated with my mum not taking care of herself and doing everything for others, even when she was terminally ill. All we can be is a true reflection, speak our truth and be love.
Andrew, I take counsel from your comment to Caroline and I truly feel the value in your words “I can see that all I need to be is a true reflection to her and speak my own truth to allow her space to be who she is too.” A great reminder to just simply be, and allow the reflection to play out its’ magic.
The power of reflection again, to shine one´s love and truth by living it for everyone to see and choose by their own free choice without expectation or need to make them change.
The choice to be openly loving sound so simple, and yet so few do it! This is the power of the work offered by Universal Medicine, to help each person come out from behind their masks to be the loving being that we all inherently are.
Yes, and the power of the work offered by Universal Medicine is by reflection as there is no mask. What is presented is the naked truth of love which is the love we all truly are.
A great gift indeed offered by Universal Medicine. And I for one would not have the love, care and understanding in my expression and body as I do today if it was not for that gift.
It is the greatest gift of all yes. and I love the way Universal Medicine just presents and models a way of living the love we are but it is left up to us to choose this way, embrace it and make the changes necessary to live it, just like Caroline Raphael has shared. It is very empowering, very real, and more sustainable when we choose love as the basis of our own ‘everyday livingness’.
Agreed Johanna. In fact ‘The Greatest Gift in this World’ has been offered to us by Universal Medicine in the form of Love, care, understanding and support with regard to what we now know about true expression.
I have often asked myself what is the worst that can happen if I let go of the mask,, let people in, and be more love, and I can’t really come up with an answer! It doesn’t make sense does it, that we hide away from something that we truly yearn for, making our lives more complicated than they need be in the process. You are so right Heather, when you say that Universal Medicine is lovingly supporting us to come out from behind the mask, and what is awesome is that I can see many people starting to do just that, which continues to be an inspiration to me to let go of my own mask.
I too have found comfort in a mask and not showing my true colours for fear of what people think, yet I have come to realise 2 key points; 1. that in holding back I am suppressing my true self and holding that back from others does more harm than good, 2. That people are all generally a bit worried about not showing their true selves so we’re much more likely to be worried about ourselves rather than if someone else is holding back or not – which like you, gets me to the place of why hold back and what are you waiting for? I thank Universal Medicine for seeing behind my mask and presenting to me that perhaps I am more than just a mask
Great question Sandra. I have asked myself the same question when it comes to my family, and as long as I stay connected to me and stay true there is nothing to lose, but this comes down to me, not the other person.
Beautiful Heather, it does sound very simple to live love but to actually live this in our everyday with everyone takes work and commitment. The students of Universal Medicine are working on exactly this everyday.
Well said Sally!
I cannot appreciate the work offered by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine enough. Coming out of blaming others for anything to understanding that our only focus is being love (no hiding, but full on!) and accepting ourselves and others for where we and they are at.
Me too Katinka. What I feel more and more is how deeply honouring and loving it feels to be ourselves with others.
Hear hear Heather, I know that I would not be where I am if it was not for Universal Medicine and being open to letting people in and letting my love come out. As you say it is a simple thing to do but many of us don’t choose to be all the Love that we are.
I love what you said Heather about Universal Medicine……. it is so true. More and more people everyday, are coming out from under those masks. It is so awesome to feel and see. People living and expressing, who they truly are, wìth absolute freedom.
Alex, that is what I am learning also, all we can do is learn and understand truth, and live that truth to the best we can, and absolutely not have any attachment to or investment in another person understanding it or getting it. Love allows another to get to the truth in their own time and space free from imposition.
So true Anne.
“Love allows another to get to the truth in their own time and space free from imposition.” This is what I start to learn with support from Universal Medicine.
Beautifully said Anne, I have finally let go of expectations in some relationhsips and it has been so freeing for us both.
This is the essence of life’s true mastery Alex – encapsulated in a nutshell.
Beautifully expressed Alex. The power is in expressing our truth.
And a reflection to us of where we hold expectation, demand perfectionism and another be how we need them to be. Letting go of this imposition allows love to flourish and a depth of understanding and acceptance.
The absolute freedom of deeply accepting ourselves and all others is a joy so grand, it can never be faked nor denied – for it is a steadfast reflection of the Love we all are.
Andrew I so understand how frustrating it is that your mother does not care for herself but is always caring for others, my mother is so like this too, and there is nothing much I can do about that except be a living reflection to her with my own self-caring and regard for myself. In truth, this is the only way to evolve both of us, by not imposing on another to try to ‘help’ them, but to reflect truth in every way possible.
I agree Andrew – in the future, I will be more aware of expressing why it is my loved ones lack of care hurts me to see, and acts as a reflection, rather than getting frustrated.
I love what you share here Andrew as it feels by actually being and expressing ourselves we become a true reflection for those around us and in kind allow them to feel who they are. It feels a beautiful way to be, letting go of all the need to have others act, be and do as we feel, but rather letting them be as they are. A great addition to Caroline’s already revelatory blog.
To feel who they are and to feel held in love and absolute acceptance irrespective of choices, free of judgement and with absolute equalness and brotherhood.
I can relate to the ‘still feeling frustrated’ Andrew, as I have these moments as well, or maybe more some slight irritations…..but I know that I don’t have to do anything nor want to change my mother (tried that for quite some time, does not work..). It is about being the reflection and about allowing and acccepting.
I love what Caroline has written. I have developed so much more understanding and love in my family relationships and although we don’t see each other often I am no longer taking them for granted. All of the times that we do spend together feel very precious. Due to the Love and great support from Universal Medicine I have come to understand that we are all human, we all feel the same, many struggling with the same hurts and through compassionate eyes all I feel now for my family is love instead of blame.
I agree, this is lovely Andrew and so refreshing. To see the that the things in another that make us uncomfortable are simply a reflection of ourselves. How different the world would be if we all took this on board and then expressed from that place. It could quite simply change the world!
Andrew very wise words, stepping back and allowing people to be who they are and where they are is the most loving thing we can do. When we allow this then this gives us space to naturally be where we are and then they have a true reflection to see that there is another way. Self-Love is one that took me many many years to bring into my life and nobody could tell me to do it, it has to come from the person themselves. For the record it is the best thing I have EVER done for myself.