I found throughout my life I romanticised the way in which I would meet the perfect guy. He would tick all my boxes (tall, slim, funny, handsome, great smile) and he would be the one chasing me.
The reality though, was different. In all my previous relationships I always found I got caught in the fantasy of ‘love’: the idea that this love would be everlasting and ‘happily ever after’.
In truth, what I created was a feeling of neediness – that somehow I needed a guy to fulfill me; that I was never enough and eventually the guy would leave.
The way I met guys varied from school crushes, to seedy nightclub pick-ups, to even meeting one guy through advertising for a flat mate, and always the result was the same . . . me feeling less, adoring the guy, but never truly being the real me within the relationship and ultimately, feeling like who I was choosing to be was way too intense for the person I was with.
So at the age of 32, after attending Universal Medicine workshops, presentations and talks, I began to shift the way I lived.
I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.
Through the presentations I had begun to see that I was responsible for the choices in my life, and that I could make changes if I was willing to see the roles I had played to this point. I felt a change in myself as I took more time to connect to the true me. I began to make more loving choices like taking more care in the way I would dress myself, taking time to treat myself with gentleness and not rushing through my day, listening to my body and going to bed when I felt tired. I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman – a woman who was already everything and not someone needing another to fulfill them.
It was around this time I attended a presentation by Serge Benhayon where we discussed the idea of Internet dating as a possible way of meeting a potential partner.
While this was not a new idea, I had previously tried this with mixed results, often finding myself connecting to men who were not truly interested in me or a true relationship but more so what they could get from me through saying the ‘right’ things. This time though, I felt something in me had shifted and I was ready to give it another go. How I felt within myself was amazing: I felt empowered as I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal. It was from this new awareness I committed to trying Internet dating again.
This time round it felt completely different; what was different was me.
I began by choosing a service, a popular one at the time, and sat to write my profile. Unlike before, where I focused on my ideal partner and creating a profile that would attract the right guy, this time I wrote about the true me. I did not put parameters around what type of person I wanted to meet, only that I was open to meeting someone who could perhaps share my life, be it as a friend or lover. I posted my profile, at first without a photo, and the response was instantaneous. Within the day I had received several replies and it was only then that I placed a picture of myself on my profile. Adding a photo was my final commitment to putting the real me out there, and a letting go of self-doubt. It reflected the fact I knew that no matter what, I was already amazing and whatever the outcome was, this would never change. There was one reply that stood out, so I began to write. This guy felt open, and our dialogue back and forth was light, playful, and so funny, the connection was instant. Within the week we set a date to meet.
The day of our date came and anxiety was there, but what was different was my commitment to me. I felt strong within myself and complete as I am, and knowing that a partner would be an awesome addition to my life but not needed to fulfill me. I knew whatever happened I would be true to myself.
I arrived first at our designated meeting place, waiting to see if I recognised his face. When he arrived, the person I saw looked totally different to the ‘tick a box’ idea that I had created of what my ideal partner would look like. But something inside me knew that it was worth staying and finding out more. The moment he smiled I melted, and I knew my life was about to change. We sat down at a table and ordered our drinks and within no time at all the conversation flowed. Instantly I felt an ease with him and shared myself without reservation; it was as if we had known each other a lifetime. Our date flowed, going from our first meeting spot onto lunch elsewhere, and by the end of our date, I knew as did he, that this connection was different and worth pursuing further.
It has continued this way for the last 5 years, and my love and connection to this man deepens more each day. What I feel shifted was the quality in me. If I had approached our date without openness, or without the love and commitment to myself first, then I feel it may have gone the way of past relationships.
I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are. What Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon have shared in their presentations has shown me another way of life, a way that is about love; this love is within us all equally and it begins with loving ourselves first. From here we can build the foundations of developing true relationships with others – not in perfection, but in truth.
The way I now approach life and my relationships has been inspired by the presentations of Serge Benhayon and the many amazing practitioners of Universal Medicine. Through them I have learnt that love must begin with self – there is no greater love and we all hold this equally within our hearts.
By Jade Jamieson, Bachelor of Education (Primary), Graduate Diploma of Education (Childcare), Lismore Heights, NSW
Further Reading:
“The highest form of intelligence is love”
Hello, is it me I’m looking for…?
The Difference in Love
How to be safe dating online
“I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman” Sharing the truth of who you are is very powerful.
I’ve changed my track of online dating from how a person looks or whats on their profile to how they feel. It’s totally different and much lighter than trying to get a person to fit in a box.
Thank you Jade, what a breath of fresh air to read about your experience of dating and the relationship that can be built when we are open and honest in our own connection and thus non imposing on another to be a certain way.
“This time round it felt completely different; what was different was me.” The first step in healing any hurt is recognising our own part in it.
They do say that like attracts like, we can also say that an open and willing heart attracts too an open and willing heart.
Hi Jade,
Thanks for sharing, what you share with us can be true in all manner of situations, how we live and how loving we are with ourselves and others now will always be shaping any future constellations.
Its amazing the difference of making more loving choices and taking more care of ourselves makes in our lives, ‘ I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman – a woman who was already everything and not someone needing another to fulfill them.’
What are you bringing to a relationship if you are not bringing who you are but who you feel the other person would like you to be or what you feel they would want. What if they actually want you, but in offering a picture you are offering something so much less than that? It’s worth being totally and authentically you in a relationship.
Building a strong foundation of love for ourselves is essential as a base for any relationship, ‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.’
It must be the sign of the times as more and more people are choosing to meet via online dating apps and the like. There was a time when we met someone whilst out socialising or through a friend but nowadays people seem too busy.
Internet dating is a way of meeting people and the way for others to know who you are – you have to be who you are.
“I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are” I love this line Jade, we spend much too much time looking for what is perfect but our pictures can completely destroy something we have that is actually amazing simply because we try and make it different to how it is perfectly designed to be.
“I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.” Yay and that’s when the true love story truly begins only when we first take these steps, don’t take these steps and we will be forever grasping for something that does not exist.
It is only through our connection to the love we are that we firstly establish an honouring relationship with ourselves. As then we know what is of this love and what is not, which then sets the foundation for all other relationships to develop in the truth of the love we are, as such honouring our opportunity to evolve through our relationships.
This was awesome to read, how the small and simple changes to how you were with yourself then built a steady foundation so you stayed steady and with yourself in a new relationship, without a need for it to make you ‘more’ or fill you up.
By making new choices in our everyday livingness we change so much more, ‘I began to make more loving choices like taking more care in the way I would dress myself, taking time to treat myself with gentleness and not rushing through my day, listening to my body and going to bed when I felt tired.’
I’ve recently joined a dating site out of curiosity, never used them before but reading this was a great reminder and confirmation that my relationship with myself should be the top priority. My body can tell me by how it feels if someone is worth speaking to or not rather than my eyes and mind saying “he fits the picture”. Often my body feels more drawn towards those who don’t match any picture! Those pictures can’t be relied on.
Re-defining online dating at a time when relationships are becoming transactional is very cool. I love this sharing because it explores how there is another way to do things and use systems to support us rather than to go into a false relationship.
So often we can place pictures and ideas abotu how we want something to look like or someone to be that we miss the very beauty that is right in front of us. Each and every one of us has such an exquisite beauty to dismiss this in any way because they may not fit the picture we have is dismissing the love we are from.
If we bring ourself in full the outcome doesn’t matter for everything we do has the completion and therefor the potential for more in it.
How lovely to read this again! I enjoyed all the gems of wisdom you shared Jade including “I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal.” I feel this relates to all relationships, to friends, colleagues, children, etc, that we begin by connecting to and knowing the love we are in essence and meet that equally in others.
Internet dating offers a real reflection for how you are within yourself. There are times when I have been internet dating and instantly connected with and met someone and there have been other times where I have been on and there are no connections made- the later occurs when I have gone on feeling not full within myself and needing something from outside and in this I get more abuse or rude comments or being dismissed by others.
It is beautiful to know that we are the one who can change the type of relationships we have with others because we can change ourselves and thus how we stand in a relationship.
It sure is Lieke and that is a great point – we are always in the driving seat and never are a victim.
As we deepen the love we have for ourselves, situations that come around again get dealt with differently, mainly because we have changed, and are able to respond to the situation instead of reacting.
The fact the quality of life that we live is what we are allowing to flow through us, indicates that it is impossible for anyone or anything to give us something that we seek. It is only us that can restore the love we seek, the love that we innately are, and we are choosing to align to or not.
I love that you didn’t let the picture dictate but that you allowed yourself to be open and feel the potential that was there between the two of you and in this everything flowed.
Many women find internet dating very confronting and I was one of them. When I began to see that internet dating was a reflection I was able to read the energy behind the kind of responses I received from men online rather than go into blame and reaction. Your story shows how wonderful internet dating can be when we start from a foundation of love.
Brilliant Jade – life is faulty and imperfect so we might learn to live in our true authority. For when we do the alchemy that can occur is magical and out of this world.
This is such a big thing for women to come to terms with, busting out of this idea that we need someone to complete us. It is something that I often grapple with and can feel the need that I go into- to have someone bring me something that I am not prepared to choose for myself. When I am in this it pushes people away and confirms the rejection which then exacerbates the neediness and it is a worm hole. The only way is to come back to a quality within myself that then does not look outside but allows me to bring myself without the impositions to others.
Jade, I love this; ‘I felt strong within myself and complete as I am, and knowing that a partner would be an awesome addition to my life but not needed to fulfill me. I knew whatever happened I would be true to myself.’ If we could be brought up to love ourselves and know that we are already complete then relationships would be much more true and without the need that is so often there, they could instead be based on true love.
When it comes to internet dating, I have only just tipped my toe in and that was a few years ago. After reading this blog, I feel inspired to consider joining a dating agency as like you Jade, I also feel totally different having deepened the relationship with myself, I know I will not lose myself in a relationship like I have done in the past. No that will not happen as I am letting so much more of me out!
It is a turning point when we start to live true to ourselves, when we love and adore ourselves, we then do not have to look to the other to meet our needs, which creates a lot of space in a relationship for both partners to be open, honest and transparent with each other.
What an amazing sharing – you are bringing truth to internet dating – no need – just the fullness of who you are – totally full of love. What an amazing inspiration this is for any relationship.
‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me’. How can we truly love another if we cannot love ourselves – Each and every one of us is worth loving but we must claim and live this for ourselves, which has an amazing ripple effect in all our relationships.
It is like looking in a mirror. If we are in love with ourselves, the mirror will reflect this to us.
Exactly Nico, mirrors never lie and is perhaps why many avoid them!
Most people turn to internet dating to find someone to fulfil what we are missing, I did that a number of years back, but the reality I love here is that its not about how you meet some (i.e. the mechanism) but its about the quality and intent behind that meeting. Is it for evolution and to share living that amazingness with another or to make ourselves feel better?
I was in a relationship that was an amazing love. We adored each other. There comes a point though that you can express and feel this love come through however, if it is not embodied by living to your self-worth and appreciating all of you, the foundation will be the relationship and not your bounding love. So, if one shifts to loving themselves the other will have to as well.
Hi Rik, I get what you are saying and can understand that this is how it works. We are constantly asked to be more loving with ourselves first before we can bring it in our relationships and out to the world.
Yes, Rik, the energy is constantly asking us to follow the greater love that is on offer. When we don’t have a body that can support that by worthiness issues, we cannot handle the succes and the relationship suffers from that.
Beautiful blog Jade. Deepening our connection and deepening the relationship we have with ourselves bringing more light and love and letting ourselves be seen, staying honest about how we feel and not holding back allows for the constellation to unfold. Inspiring.
Yes, love starts with self first, ‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.’
The fact that Jade had a significant instantaneous response to her online dating profile that was claiming her true qualities with appreciation for herself shows to me just how much people want that for themselves as well, and are naturally drawn to those characteristics displayed by others. Deep down we all know how amazing we are and that we don’t need anyone else to complete us in any way.
When we let go of the tick box list of the image we are trying to portray we are able to meet others as who we truly are.
Truth can only be met, if we put it out first.
When we make life all about love, developing our own love first , that love magnetically pulls that same love to us. The more love we have for ourselves the more we have for each other, gone are the days of looking for love outside and ending up feeling let down by neediness and expectations.
What a difference between writing an entry to attract the ‘right’ partner and just writing about oneself, putting oneself out there with honesty and transparency. The former is fuelled by neediness and the latter is just as it is – here I am, take it or leave it.
When we get caught in the fantasy of life and that the happy ever after we cannot but disconnect and withdraw from the practicalities and reality of daily life.
The more I drop my pictures of what a relationship should be like the more me and my husband connect deeper, pictures and ideals can really create havoc if we allow them to dominate a relationship, far better to be open and surrender to the love that is there, the real thing is always going to be so much more better then the dreamed up version.
It is the case so often that we get so caught up in the picture of what we are looking for in a partner, or we are seeking to fulfil within ourselves through a partner, that we completely overlook the being in front of us, forgoing connecting to the potential on offer from the constellation at hand. As in every relationship we are offered the opportunity to evolve, which brings great and valuable purpose to each and every connection we make in our lives.
I agree. What I find very interesting is to look at the deep down hidden demands we constantly hold onto the other. These are conditions, we are often not very aware of ( and have actually nothing to do with the other person), but limiting the potential and the purpose of the union that is actually on offer.
I used to be completely closed down to relationships or the consideration of having a loving relationship with another. It’s only until I started to apply the teachings of Universal Medicine did I start to have love in my life for myself then with others. These days it’s learning to expand the joy I feel within myself and accept this to be my new normal. My relationships with others is taken care for when I work on my own relationship.
This is a great way to begin any relationship: if we say this is me and this is who I am with no manipulation, no rose tinted filter, no games, then if someone says yes, they say yes to you – and that has to be the beginning of an amazing relationship.
With all the effort most of us as women put into attracting the right man, it can be hard to be honest enough to see that first we need to truly and deeply love ourselves.
Thanks for this Jade. You have inspired me to consider internet dating, but more so, reminded me that I don’t have to do anything but be myself and stand solid and comfortable in that, and the rest will follow.
Universal Medicine offers to humanity the doorway of awareness to enter into true relationships… the matrix of life
How refreshing it is to read that the online profile you submitted was as honest as you could make it and not loaded with expectations of what you want from a guy. This in itself sets a new marker of what an online dating profile could feel and look like.
Thank you Jade for a beautiful story, living the love you are and knowing you are complete in this needing nothing from someone else to feel whole, is a great foundation for a deeply intimate relationship which you have found.
Every relationship offers us a reflection and as there is no such thing as perfection in every relationship, I am realising it is ok to make mistakes and to learn from them as I would rather see and act on something that I feel is not true than carry on with the relationship as it is knowing there is more.
Wow this is such a cool story, it just shows that if you are open and stay committed to what you know is true you never know what is in front of you. Seriously cool.
Great point Meg, no pictures just being fully open and then everything is before you even if you did not think it was possible.
The ideal that there is a perfect man out there for us and that he will be meeting all that we want him to be is a total lie and actually keeps us from seeing the beauty of the man we have before us. There are many perfect men out there for us but they won’t be fitting a picture, they will be perfect in the way what you can learn together and explore together.
Awesome to feel the love and appreciation you had for yourself and how this was reflected in the relationship that evolved with your partner.
That we can connect so deeply in such a seemingly casual encounter shines a beautiful light onto the understanding that we all actually are connected… which is deeply and profoundly beautiful
Jade it was so lovely reading your blog again. This line really grabbed me on how relationships changed for you, it “was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal.” I feel this relates to all kinds of relationships as without our own connection we can have needs and dependencies on others to fill that emptiness.
This is claiming another level of connection and love in our relationships, having claimed it for ourselves first we are then open to the same qualities in another. It paves the way, if we live that level of love and caring we will emanate that openness allowing the expansion to happen.
Beautiful Jade. The magic of falling in love with yourself so that your love is already there when you develop a relationship with another person.
Jade I love your story, thank you for sharing your experience it is so true – love really does start with ourselves if we do not have love for ourselves we are on an never ending journey of hardship.
Universal Medicine was the first place I learnt that it is completely OK to be imperfect, that as humans we are imperfect and at the same time we are also love. Focusing on what we are (love) rather than trying to make ourselves and our relationships something we are/it is not (perfect) makes everything so much simpler, practical and realistic.
So simple and so beautiful, Jade – “I knew that love began with me”. If we are complete within ourselves, a new relationship can be a celebration and expansion of the love we already live.
I found writing a dating profile offered oodles of learning in itself and showed me a new level of self acceptance and honesty too. I spent a long time trying different internet dating sites with no luck but then I realised it was because I was not fully committed to the whole process, I had an image of the man finding me and that I could just sit back and wait but that was just delaying me and holding me back. It really helped me to let go of the images of what I thought love looked liked and moved in a way that expressed who I was in full and really just have fun. I am now in a relationship and it all started from my own steps to bring all of me to everything I do, including creating a dating profile. Thank you Jade.
Meeting someone through internet dating, has blown all the pictures, ideals and beliefs I was and am choosing of what a relationship is and who it was to be with totally out the water big time. I had a picture big time in my head and ideal, a belief of who I should be with. Not a particular person, but an ideal. Which was not true, it was a comfort and also kept me in isolation. This has made me begin to question so many other aspects of my life, pictures, ideals, beliefs, I live from my head, instead of living from my body and what I feel.
Our sense of self influences how we see others and any need we might be expecting them to fill. When we are full of ourselves we are complete therefore aren’t looking for someone to fill a void within us.
I began to make more loving choices like taking more care in the way I would dress myself, ‘ This is great. we can take care in all sorts of areas but always leave some out and we can also reach a level of care and not bother to go further. I could honour myself so much more by the way I dress and undress, what a simple task and one we do at least twice a day.. Already i can feel how this would make me feel so much more appreciative of myself. Thanks Jade Jamieson for reminding me to bring a deeper quality to everything in my life.
Loving and appreciating the truth of who we are is the key, as you have so clearly pointed out Jade, a very beautiful and timely reminder, thank you.
Being in a relationship out of need or lack of self-worth is pretty much like saying to the guy ‘your not worth me being my all’. What I’ve learnt is that not bringing everything I am to a relationship and being completely open to be seen in full is a BIG rejection for the guys and one that hurts them without them really knowing.
This is a great point you have shred Rachael Evans and a game that is played often in relationships to live an ideal or a belief of the role each partner plays.
The loving appreciation of ourselves is so absolutely essential in all aspects of life and so much has shifted in my relationships with people living this truth and loveliness. When it came to meeting someone to share life with I’ve only just realized I was still waiting to be perfect to put my hand out and open my heart to the possibilities. The second that awareness was understood for the decoy it was, I have discovered that going on the internet dating web sites is a great support for meeting people. It is filled with people just like me, who are genuinely interested to connect to other people and live their life openly and share what feels true for them.
I loved reading this Jade, as it is so different to what we usually take on a date with us. The part that stood out was how you wrote about filling in your profile section and not trying to tailor make it into a ‘must have’ list, but being open to any possibilities. It clearly worked for you.
It was very timely for me to come back and read this as I find it very supportive in finding my way back to myself as I had got caught up in the relationship aspect and needing something from that instead of just expressing myself and allowing that to be seen and enjoyed by another.
I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are. A timely and beautiful reminder!
I have found that the whole process of internet dating allows me to find out a lot about myself, how I am with myself, the steady rock solid parts and the pockets where I rely on images rather than my own knowing. So it reveals very much too the areas where I haven’t dared to go yet and give me the opportunity to choose otherwise.
“I felt empowered as I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal. ” Going out into the (dating) world with that intention is what I did too and also met an amazing partner. The feeling of wanting to share a life in equality really changes everything. It makes you consider different things than when you are out there wanting to find the perfect partner as in looks, behaviours and likes. The consideration becomes a feeling instead of the old tick box exercise. It is very beautiful.
I love the simplicity of your message here Jade, to love ourselves first is the greatest step towards being in a truly loving relationship.
Loving relationships can never really form if we need them to fill an empty space we have left unfilled in our own lives, and our feelings about ourselves. I guess this is common sense but such an easy trap to fall into. Thank Jade for your beautiful sharing, it is lovely to read the process you went through and how committing to yourself made all the difference in allowing the relationship that came your way.
This is a great blog to share with the world. It asks a question of us in all relationships – online or offline…
how open are we and are we bringing the whole of us – the complete package?
Simple and true advice for life- Bring all of you, be open and willing.
A refreshing and inspiring blog Jade – when we let go of any preconceived pictures and ideas of what dating needs to look like, partners or even ourselves, there is space for true magic to happen.
Well nominated Jade, you have to build a self caring relationship with yourself first before expecting it from another
Hi Jade. I really enjoyed reading this blog. It is so refreshing and helpful to read about self love being the key to successful dating, in contrast to the countless women’s magazines promoting how to get the man, the perfect body etc. No matter how unaware people seem to be, everyone can feel when someone is settled and content in themselves, and this is truly sexy.
I love this blog. It inspired me to start to date. I went online and within half an hour met a lovely guy and we had lunch the next day. He was gorgeous and we dated for a few months though the relationship has just ended it was an amazing learning and experience. It opened up areas of my life that I had shut down too. This experience has not turned me off dating, it has opened up things for me to explore, shown me areas where I need to love myself more deeply and made me more aware of what I do want in a relationship- more blogs like this please.
“If I had approached our date without openness, or without the love and commitment to myself first, then I feel it may have gone the way of past relationships.” This is such a great awareness Jade and I can feel it resonate through many areas of my life. Every moment is absolutely worth approaching with openness and love for myself and what is before me. With out this I’m tense and shut down which is a sure way to repel people, I just wish it worked on insects. But writing this I can see a correlation of why there seems to be more insects around at times.
Love the way the relationship starts with you first, and then grows from there to include others. They get the true you, and then you don’t have to pretend or try to be something else. So simple.
Expressing who we are in our fullness, no holding back, allows the magic to flow, ‘I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman – a woman who was already everything and not someone needing another to fulfill them.’ Gorgeous thank you Jade.
What a beautiful blog jade, I feel this shows very clearly that anything else than loving ourself in full is not needed in changing the pattern of ‘failed’ relationships.
Thank you Jade, I really loved what you have shared, loving ourselves first and being responsible for our own lives creates a whole different space in which to form a different relationship, one of equalness in love, not one made of neediness.
What I came to realise with dating was that when I was half committed, like having thoughts of “I’m not sure’ or ‘is this the person I want to spend my life with’ etc then it allowed the space for a lack of real connection and communication and in this games got played as we both then had one foot in and one foot out. When I fully committed all the way it allowed me to see whether the relationship was true or not, something I wouldn’t have known if I stayed half committed.
Relationships start with self first, getting to know who we truly are and building a deep love and acceptance of our amazing self, ‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.’
“I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are.” That is so true Jade and it helped to let go of all the images and pictures some of us have which stood between us and a true relationship not only with internet dating.
Jade it just shows when we claim our love for self and work on that, then all our relationships begin to flow as we come from the truth within us. We are then sharing our love and light with others, we are not caught in the need from getting that love from another. From this we are able to build a true relationship with our partners. This is how I developed my true relationship with my husband, loving myself first.
This is a wonderful blog to read, very inspiring Jade. It is, as you say, important to know we are already love and amazing, and not to seek a relationship from a need.
It was confronting for me when i first created a online dating profile. A lot of stuff came up about how i used relationships and how i would portray myself. Was really interesting to learn! Thank you for sharing Jade.
Love this Jade. It really highlights how much of a difference having a relationship with ourselves first makes. Was gorgeous to hear about your first date too
“If I had approached our date without openness, or without the love and commitment to myself first, then I feel it may have gone the way of past relationships.” This insight is gold Jade as it offered us one reason why a relationship ends before it really starts.
I have heard so many stories about people meeting others on the internet only to find that they are not who they say they are. Not holding back an ounce of who you truly are and putting that out there is only ever going to serve well as not only is the future partner going to be met by your love, so too is nothing hidden so there is a solid foundation set from the outset
Gorgeous Jade, I had a similar internet dating experience very recently, with a very similar outcome… it is definitely worth doing the work on ourselves to be in a place where neediness is not the foundation for putting ourselves out there, but rather knowing we have love, we are complete, and that someone will give their everything to be in relationship with that. What you’ve shared is further confirmation that this is exactly how it goes, thank you.
Jade, this should be in the instructions when people sign up for dating websites. There would be a big change in relationships… Lovely to hear your story.
The changes that take place in all our relationships are incredible when we first make it about us. We change so it makes absolute sense that the outer changes too. Some relationships end, others grow and expand but I am coming to realise that whatever happens to any relationship the most important thing is to be true to myself.
This is a great guide to internet dating…and life. Know yourself first. Know it from a foundation of the deepest love. Keep deepening. Bring this to the world.
Whatever the result, it matters not one drop, for this love is ageless.
Great that you mention the seeking of perfection in relationships to ensure all the boxes are ticked so to speak. This never happens and it cannot because true love is forever evolving. What I have come to learn is that we do not need perfection when we make the relationship about true love as the love is far more gorgeous and amazing than any outer perfection could ever be
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story, Jade, and how you allowed what was within you to flow out. I had a little go at Internet dating but the meetings were always fraught with me checking my list of desirable qualities in a man – some practical, some philosophical, and each time judgement clouded my ability to feel. Now I have met a man who doesn’t tick all my boxes, but he presents many beautiful qualities that I hadn’t even thought of, and all I know for sure is that I get a gorgeous warm glow inside whenever I am near him, and, as you have experienced, there is an ease being in his company, as if we have known each other for centuries. It is a beautiful feeling and one I trust implicitly.
“What we put out we get back” when we go into anything with an open heart and a willingness to evolve we are in win win for everyone.
This is beautiful and very inspiring Jade.
Beautiful Jade. I am enjoying re- imprinting my marriage with this approach of self love and a deeper connection with myself. Living with what is true is like a flower blossoming.
Jade your blog is a great support for many when dating to see there is another choice they may choose where you shared … that you weren’t looking for love because you are already love.
What I have also learnt is that when you are yourself on online dating platforms it is very refreshing for people. It cuts through all the games people think they need to play. Most people love it, some don’t and will block you which is great because it then makes it clear it was never worth going further in the conversation with them at that point in time.
Jade this is such a supportive and inspiring blog for anyone internet dating or dating in general, be great to take it to a wider audience as your beautiful and fresh approach would ask people to consider the images they have that are holding them back from experiencing something true.
‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.’ A beautiful starting point Jade and key to developing a loving relationship with self first and how this allows space for a loving partner to come into our lives.
Such a beautiful sharing, thank you Jade.
“the love and commitment to myself first, ” this is the key, loving ourselves first, from here everything is very clear and very simple. There are many things we would say no to, and many things we would also say yes to – but the difference is our choices, they would not come from need, but a place of absolute pure love.
“Through the presentations I had begun to see that I was responsible for the choices in my life, and that I could make changes if I was willing to see the roles I had played to this point.” How simple is this, you don’t have to go through any ‘re- birthing’, finding yourself up a hill or sleeping on a concrete bed, a la some islet retreats. We don’t have to go anywhere, simply be fully committed in life and make different choices. As the wise saying goes ” no one else can change your life”.
“I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.” what an incredible place this is to come to and live from. At the same time it exposes how far from our truth that we are living, as why do we not live this consitently our entire life from the day we are born.
This is like a real life fairy tale Jade and it just goes to prove the energy that we put out is what we attract back. By expressing the real you, you got a reflection of that back in your partner.
‘I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are’ Beautifully said Jade, so simple and very true. How different all our relationships would be if we lived appreciating who we truly are.
I can feel the honesty you’ve shared this with Jade, When I started internet dating i found feelings of anxiety around meeting someone new and fears of letting someone new into my life. It took some time and being honest with what I was feeling to get to the place where I was ready to meet a new partner.
I am becoming aware of all the pictures I project on potential partners. Every time I think oh he has to look like this, or I don’t want him to drink alcohol or he has to be health etc., I have put up a guard and there is no love. True intimacy has no pictures at all. Then I can just be, and the man I date can just be. This is a whole new way of dating for me, as I can see how many pictures, ideals and beliefs I have always projected on men/partners.
Beautifully said Mariette, I too have a lot of pictures of how men should be that blocks a potential partner getting anywhere near me. Letting go of all these pictures that has kept me safe and single opens me up and allows space for a true connection with another.
It really goes to show that it doesn’t matter where we meet, just that we be true to ourselves, and in doing so magic can and does occur. By committing to and being the love that we are shows the world that we are not afraid of love but are open and totally comfortable with it, therefore those that we come into contact with will be also.
I agree , Kate. that the magic of relationships can happen anywhere as it is about our commitment to self love and the expression of this which dictates the quality of an unfolding relationship. Jade’s experience is true testimony to this.
Jade, how gorgeous to hear about how you have changed things around for yourself in your relationship with yourself first so that you could then bring that to your other relationships too. As couples or friends or even as family members, it is such a beautiful thing when there is no strings or needs associated – when two whole circles or spheres come together there is far more power and potential in a relationship than if you bring two halves together. Whilst growing up we are often fed the illusion that we are only “a half” and will feel complete when we find ‘our other half’ – but this falls severely short of the magnificence of who we are and what we can bring to another when we bring the whole circle or sphere to a relationship.
Absolutely Henrietta, there is that saying, my other half or my better half, or, I want to find someone to complete me and so on. We as a society don’t do self appreciation very well. It’s getting past the pictures and images and coming back to our gorgeous and wise bodies to guide us which Jade is most certainly showing the way with.
Thank you Jade for sharing this story it is truly beautiful to read, you make some great points that are key for anyone interested in internet dating. I especially loved this line ‘ I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman – a woman who was already everything and not someone needing another to fulfill them.’
A recipe for disaster is when we seek a relationship that will fulfil our needs. Though of course there are people out there who are very willing to do this too and so you end up in a relationship where one fulfils the needs of another and vice versa. But such relationships are not ones that offer true love nor evolution. They offer convenience and a feeling of perceived safety and comfort. When we make relationships not about fulfilling needs, but we make them about the growth and potential we all have and are capable of then things change and can deepen in ways we would never have imagined.
Unfortunately this is the basis of most romantic relationships – there to fill our needs. This foundation always leads to a relationship fraught with problems. By loving ourselves first we can share something so beautiful but can never be taken away leaving us empty.
When we connect to and accept the ‘real’ us as in describing this in the profile for the website we naturally develop self-appreciation and confidence.
Linda, I think we can all relate to this romanticised version of love that we all fall for because that is what we grow up with, that is what we are fed. Little wonder then that our relationships are full of need and expectations and then complication and struggle. But there is a different way which starts with having a loving relationship with self, where you put yourself first in your life and meet all your own needs, which creates a solid foundation for all your relationships in life.
I was interested in the phrase ‘…feeling like who I was choosing to be was way too intense for the person I was with.’ This struck a chord of recognition. What was that ‘too intense’ feeling? I can identify a couple of things: one, an intensity borne of my own neediness; and two, an intensity born of the expectations I had. In both cases I was wanting the man in my sights to be something other than who he was, and at the same time was on wobbly territory within myself. Learning to be me, to develop a sense of my true self and of self-worth was key, and I too have Universal Medicine to thank for presenting me with the understandings, tools and techniques that enabled me to develop to the degree that true relationship with another became possible.
Victoria, this internal struggle to overcome the wobbliness inside is so applicable to life today. I see many people feel unsettled in this racy technological world, fuelled by caffeine and sugar. There are not many opportunities to stop and re-connect with who we are, to confirm the person inside rather than seeking someone or something to fill the gap created by all the rushing and busyness. But, like you have said, Universal Medicine not only offers us that stop every time there is a presentation, it also presents everyone with methods for re-connection in everyday modern life. Valuable methods that can support and help to sustain a long lasting self-steadiness that fosters healthy relationships both inside and out.
‘I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are.’ Such a powerful realisation to be free of the search for an ideal in a relationship. I know that I used this to avoid really dealing with my choices in relationships previously.
I too can relate to the romanticised version of love and used to love reading all of those mills and boon books hoping to meet my knight in shining armour. So much time spent when I was younger, dreaming about the man I was going to meet and how our life would be. It’s so nice now to have a true understanding of how my relationship with myself and my own self loving care is so very important to who I will then take with me into the world, thanks to Universal Medicine and the workshops leading the way.
Thank you Jade for a really great blog , showing that when you put yourself out there with honesty, holding yourself in your own love, not in need or expectation how this brought to you a very intimate and loving relationship.
It is amazing how much need and thus expectations we have around relationships and our partners. It feels so suffocating and unloving yet most of us do or have done it! The more I value and honour myself the less I look outside of myself for anything and so the less needy I am whether it is in an intimate relationship or one with friends. Ultimately I have found, as a result of the teachings of Universal Medicine, that if I 1st have a deeply loving relationship with myself then that fosters the same quality with all my other relationships.
Absolutely James, first from my gentleness, then heading towards self-love so that I could get my first glimpse of what true love is all about!
So true James, we have loads of expectations and needs, and on top of that, we also want to change our partners. This is no true foundation for any relationship.
Yes, that is a common one Mariette, that we always want our partners to change when we are in a relationship which is a dead give away we are coming from need and also is a great way to avoid looking at ourselve and what is really going on. I recognise this pattern.
Yes James and what is beautiful is that by continuing to develop the loving relationship with yourself, it naturally develops and deepens the existing relationships you have with others. There is no end point to arrive at.
“I began to consider that I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me” That feels like the making of a beautiful relationship.
Approaching life without needing anything from it because you know you are already enough. Now that is something to be inspired by.
Very true Lucy. And maybe we all already do know deep inside that we are already enough, but have chosen to hide this from ourselves. So the journey is one of re-discovery in every day about who you are.
This approach to life Lucy is the game changer, I now no longer make life about my ‘little self’, but rather see the bigger picture that I am a part of it and that we all have a part to play.
Spot on Lucy, simply beautiful and key to deepening the relationship with myself and others.
This is such a great blog Jade because for me you so beautifully and simply express what is truly profound and missing in so many relationships of all varieties and that is full appreciation of who I am and the power that comes from embodying this universal truth. I am already complete and my life is about embracing and living this truth! Awesome inspiration I have gained from your sharing and fun too!
‘What I feel shifted was the quality in me.’ This is the game changer Jade, feeling and accepting yourself for the love you already are. When I feel this truth as I am more and more, all the pictures, ideals, beliefs etc. just fall away. They are all a protection from fully expressing and accepting my love, My place as an equal being and sharing this truth with others. Who would not be pulled toward love itself!
…”this love is within us all equally and it begins with loving ourselves first. From here we can build the foundations of developing true relationships with others – not in perfection, but in truth.” I really appreciate the way you have explained this Jade. I have read your blog a few times feeling a little overwhelmed as I am not sure I love myself enough to be able to hold myself in a relationship. The words above remind me that relationships are always a work in progress and this includes my relationship with myself.
We are all always being able to choose to be a work in progress, step by step I feel we all unfold, the more delicate and gentle I feel about this the simpler my life is and my relationships with everyone. As quoted “not in perfection” but with on open heart.
So true Susan, our pictures and expectations are often what bring us unstuck as you say ‘no one can live up to someone else’s expectations. They may try for a while but it takes a lot of effort to keep that up.’ Bringing and living our true authentic self in life means we aren’t creating these situations but seeing that we and everyone around us is equal and enough as we are. It then simply becomes about meeting each other for who we are.
So true Brendan, our intent and the way in which we come to every situation and relationship is reflected back in the quality of the relationships we develop. It shows how much the way in which we are within ourselves affects everything!
Yes Brendan and Jade, our love for and relationship with ourselves is all we have to offer in the end. Nurturing this and appreciating who we are is the foundation for every relationship that is then reflected back. Beautiful!
‘I felt empowered as I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal.’
This is very interesting because I feel that once we let go of what we can get from the other person and begin to feel the joy that can build in a relationship of any kind when it is equal, than the connection can be truly felt. Until then it just a game.
“This time round it felt completely different; what was different was me.” We can take this line and apply it anywhere, relationships, work, exercise, cooking…. when we approach anything in the right quality we are saying yes to a loving outcome.
So simply and truthfully expressed Samantha! Feeling and accepting the quality I am made of is the first step to bringing more love to all my relationships!
“I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.” when the penny finally drops and we understand we must love ourselves first before anyone else can love us, life truly begins and magic happens.
‘… love began with me’ – this one phrase is very simple, very gorgeous. I can feel that the deep knowing that ‘love begins with me’ is grounded in a solid sense of our self-worth and it is only once we get to that place that love in truth can unfold with another.
“…love must begin with self – there is no greater love and we all hold this equally within our hearts.” Imagine if each of us brought that simple truth to the dating table, how different connections would be.
I am just learning how quickly things can be misinterpreted when you just start dating someone and the amount of pictures and expectations both people can have which clouds the actual connection and our ability to express how we actually feel.
“Unlike before, where I focused on my ideal partner and creating a profile that would attract the right guy, this time I wrote about the true me” The change of focus and responsibility in this choice is what was so simple and yet so profound. Bringing these changes to your next relationship it’s clear you are enjoying each other for who you truly are!
Bringing these changes to your next relationship it’s clear you are enjoying each other for who you truly are!
And that is the key isn’t it Rosanna, bringing our true selves to the relationship and enjoying what each other uniquely brings.
Internet dating with some people has the sort of last ditch or desperate attempt feel to it – and yet what your sharing is that we can choose to approach it from a place where we don’t need an outcome, but simply to be open to the possibility of a friendship or relationship.
Yes, this is exactly true. My own journey with internet dating started with neediness and expectations galore; as I came back to me it all shifted. By the end, not long before I met the man who was to become my husband, I was approaching dating as my personal ‘community outreach’ programme – meeting people knowing it was simply another opportunity for connection and healing. There was no pressure, no expectations, just love in the truest sense. And knowing who was a potential partner and who wasn’t was easy. No complication!
I think that’s an important part Rebecca- that we don’t need an outcome.
“I felt empowered as I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal.” That is such an important insight Jade – it would be interesting if all Dating agency would made this as their new headline ? “We cannot made you feel complete but we can help to find a partner equal to you.” OK I know that would not work but it would be at least more truthful than promising heaven on earth.
I’m thinking that you may have hit the nail on the head here Ester, that it actually might work. If we took the time to stop and feel the honesty in what you wrote as the dating agency slogan, it feels like it is something we all do actually know deep down. How refreshing and it would take an enormous amount of pressure off!
You hear so many stories that go wrong with internet dating that it is great to hear your experience Jade. Because there was a shift in how you approached meeting people this had a profound affect on meeting the man you are now with of 5 years with a lovely daughter. Taking away the tick box expectations of how a person should be, opens up a whole real world of people we would probably have before dismissed as not being suitable.
I love what you write here Jade. I found internet dating to be a great reflector too, of how willing I was to be truthful, to be real about myself, to become aware of any expectations and rigid ideas I had around what a man should or would look like, to be more understanding about and towards myself and men also. Many things exposed and although my experience didn’t result in a partnership relationship, the man I did make a choice to follow through with became a good friend. I would still call that a relationship as I feel we are always in some form of relationship with everyone around us.
Its great that you point this out Jeanette as a lot of people expect that it will lead to a relationship but when you are meeting someone and getting to know them you really can’t predict where it is going to go.
Deep down we are all looking for completeness and and so it makes a lot of sense that it would be inspiring to read about someone expressing just that about themselves. This new beginning to a relationship would certainly be conducive to both people committed to their own and each others evolution.
Jade this is so beautiful to read, a true love story, and so inspiring too. To honour ourselves and what we feel is of such great importance, for that is the seed from which great things grow.
Wow, these ‘tick box ideas’ can be so potent Jade. If we stay locked into these depictions and mental fantasies we will never unbox, appreciate and fully receive all the gifts of life. We will turn our back on the fact that every moment God is offering us love and support to take the next step. Your story is an inspiration to let go of these images in our heads and walk forward with our heart.
The tick a boxes can be quite intense- some of them might not even be for what we would deem ‘positive’ qualities. I had a imposition that I didn’t want the person to be too into me otherwise I found it off putting. Crazy when I realised this.
You have revealed that internet dating does not have to be seedy or produce inconsistent results when you are first deeply connected with yourself and approach it from there.
It’s interesting you say this Emma, I always had this idea that there was something not quite right about internet dating but as I explore it myself I am learning it is actually fun. Though I still do have a hesitation at saying when people ask where I have met a guy, to say it was through internet dating- I still have a bit of an issue with this as there is a bit of caution about what they will think of me.
I love your honesty, In the past when I was still in a long term relationship I had quite some judgements about internet dating, thinking it was a bit sleazy and dodgy. Now that I have experienced it myself, I have turned around 180 degrees. I have had great experiences, I talk about it and am very open about it and for me it is about meeting people, far more, than oh I need a relationship. It is part of the times we are living in and I just go with that. When I tell people I am on a dating site, I never feel judged at all, people are quite curious and want to know ha ha.
It is very beautiful to hear your story and that you are still with the man you met 5 years later … and the father of your child? Not from a ‘happily ever after’ perspective, but simply feeling the depth of your connection and acceptance of each other, not looking for perfection but rather seeking to evolve, together.
Thank you Emma, yes it is now 6 years we have been together and we now have a young daughter, so our relationship has continued to evolve. We are not perfect but what we have always brought to our relationship is our ability to be ourselves with each other, in times when I get too serious or caught in my ‘stuff’ my partner helps to bring me back to me because he does know the real me. It has been a beautiful foundation for our relationship and is something I so appreciate as it supports me to be me in the world.
This is an awesome article Jade for anyone in the situation of wanting a relationship in their lives, and also for those in relationships to remember not to lose ourselves in them. We bring ourselves, full and true, to any relationship and we must resist the urge not to hide in them, need them and rely on them for our wellbeing. And yet, the relationship is such an incredible opportunity to release all the hurts that have kept us in protection and actually learn what it means to let another person in, to work together as a team and not be stoically independent.
Wise words Emma. We can use relationships to hide. I certainly did this for many years. Having left my long term relationship around 6 years ago it has been an awesome process of learning how to stand on my own two feet in the world and not hide. I can feel the momentum of losing myself as soon as I begin to contemplate being in a relationship again. But I know that relationships are amazing opportunities to heal on a deep level.
‘And yet, the relationship is such an incredible opportunity to release all the hurts that have kept us in protection and actually learn what it means to let another person in, to work together as a team and not be stoically independent.’ A constant work in progress, but this is definitely my experience. Working as a team without relying on the other person to prop us up, whilst allowing support – it’s an awesome learning.
Your blog needs to be compulsory reading when signing up for any dating website Jade… it would transform relationships world wide!
Yeah it would be great for all to read. I was talking to a male friend who is internet dating and he shared that some women really go over the top in that when he makes contact they start sending him naked pics straight away. He shared that he would prefer a photo of a woman in a lovely dress or something as this was just too full on and not what he was after.
What you share here Jade is so true…there is so much seeking of ‘love’ – the emotional, romantic kind promoted by the media, books and movies but it is all a seeking for some illusive thing outside of us, when “…love must begin with self – there is no greater love and we all hold this equally within our hearts.” Love is not for someone else to provide for us… it is our responsibility to connect to love and shine our love for others to see, and to feel they have it within them also.
“Love is not for someone else to provide for us… it is our responsibility to connect to love and shine our love for others to see, and to feel they have it within them also.” Spot on Paula!
Hollywood really does sell us the idea that the way to meet a man/woman is to lock eyes across a crowded room and know in an instance that he/she is the one for us. How many people in the world have bought into that image? Meeting a potential partner is much more about seeing the potential in another, developing the connection and building from that place by being honest and truthful with one another.
I agree, yet there can be an ‘instantaneous’ quality to the meeting of someone we recognise as true. Jade describes it here in the ease of that first connection and then date; I experienced exactly the same when I met my husband, also via the internet. The difference was the simplicity with which it all flowed. All my other dates (and indeed the majority of my relationships) were a struggle for one reason or the other; this one was the absolute reverse. It’s a bit like being able to hit all the right notes with ease rather than struggling to sing.
There is this idea of ‘true love’ being ‘out there’ somewhere, and for women, all we have to do is look right, act right, and it will come knocking at our door and be everlasting. However, as Jade writes, in fact all the power rests with us and the love we are willing to give to ourselves.
Beautiful how you did not go into ‘giving up’ energy Jade, infact, quite the opposite – Just goes to show huge things happen when we choose to shift the way we live.
I loved reading this blog and found it very inspiring. I have never really been open to the idea of dating and in the past had this idea that I didn’t deserve a partner. This has shifted through the support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. Inspired by this blog I decided to go on internet dating. Within an hour I was chatting to a guy, very quickly he got a bit seedy which I told him I felt uncomfortable with, he blocked me straight away. Then I started chatting to another guy but it didn’t feel right, I was still a bit guarded from the last encounter, then I saw a profile of another guy and we got chatting. We decided to meet for a date, it was quite lovely. It was interesting to see how quickly pictures could come in of what you wanted it to be or where you wanted it to go and also talking about it to others was then more confusing. I did notice that the times when I was just not thinking ahead but was just there- these were the moments I most enjoyed with him and I also noticed my steadiness in these moments also supported him to feel more comfortable and relax a bit. I have no idea where it will go but it was a great learning for me of not trying to be something or impress someone but just being okay with myself and meeting another without any agenda.
Love your honesty and sharing MW!
I know everything about the images MW, before you know it you are living together and have paved out your whole future (in your mind….). It is great to be aware of that and just be with somebody, without wanting to know where it goes. It seems we always want to know where a relationship goes to instead of just enjoying what is there right now.
That reminds me of a time years ago when a lovely guy struck up conversation with me after we had seen the same movie, both on our own. We decided to have a cup of tea together which was really enjoyable. The thing is, after that, by the time I had gotten into my car to drive home my thoughts developed a trajectory of their own!! Before I even got home, we were married, I was looking after his daughter and looking at the logistics of trying to find a home that would be suitable for us. Crazy!!! They certainly didn’t feel like my thoughts and I woke up to them eventually, realizing that they had no basis in truth and that it was my need at the time and the ideals I subscribed to that had attracted that quality of thinking!
It’s amazing how we can instantly have a movie running through our heads in relationship matters. Our beliefs have been so polluted by the ideals we have grown up with in pretty much every tv show, movie, novel…..there’s usually the ‘love interest’ which has a rocky road but love ultimately wins and …….the movie ends. We have been brought up believing that the rest of their lives they live ‘happily ever after’ and perhaps we like to believe this because it offers us an escape from the disharmony and lack of true love in our own lives, but it also sets us up with completely unrealistic expectation of those we have, or have the potential to have, intimate relationships with. Imagine being on the receiving end of the other’s checklist. I expect most, if not all of us have felt how awful that is. It’s guaranteed to strangle the full potential of any relationship.
This is a great point Lucy this facade of living ‘happily ever after’, which we are constantly exposed to by movies and novels etc has an impact on all of us and sets up false images and notions of what we should expect only to be disappointed time and time again that we begin to believe that we are a failure when it comes to relationships and perhaps is why I have had a little resistance to being in a relationship…. But having deepened the relationship with myself, and loving myself so much more, I am now open to dating and exploring and just being playful with it with no expectations.
Many of us go off into fantasies of how things will be and create a picture (alone) of how it will be (together). Because it is not something built together it exists only in the mind and is disconnected to reality. The other person may or may not have their own picture created in isolation and so also disconnected from reality. These false expectations have a date with reality that sets them up to be disappointed and even argue about something that is not real. Thank you for sharing Jeanette.
Ha ha I’ve done similar in the past Jeanette! We are definitely fed those thoughts, ideals and beliefs, and Hollywood is a part of how they’re disseminated. How many movie romances begin with a chance meeting such as the one you experienced? And then our minds take over from there.
This is very true Mariette. The pictures we create in our minds of where we think it could go totally get in the way of enjoying the moment for what it is without any agenda. We then miss a great deal and could possibly interfere with the natural unfolding that would otherwise happen.
I love all you have shared MW especially because at this moment I have also decided to try online dating ( after much resistance) and after exposing the belief that I did not have time for a partner! Thankyou for sharing your experience.
Yes, rings a bell for me too. We can carry the not so pleasant experiences from the past and allow them to colour our current situation therefore we cannot see it clearly. I found it is great to let this stuff go so I can be open as possible to what ever else is presented.
Without ‘me’ what really am I taking into any relationship? I so relate to what you are sharing in this blog, Jade. As I also discovered that by going into a relationship with a need at the forefront, the other party can only but feel this as a pressure, as they are not presented with the all that I am, but someone feeling she is incomplete and on the hunt to fill that emptiness, missing out completely on the opportunity to meet in equality to discover what it is that interaction offers.
“Without ‘me’ what really am I taking into any relationship?” This is a key question, Giselle, succinctly put.
I agree Giselle and when you go in with that need you totally abandon yourself and then are willing to accept anything or you lose your ability to discern what is actually going on.
So true Amina. You can’t remind me enough. Thinking doesn’t answer anything, the opposite it confuses us. Feeling is the key to life – for decision making and to develop an energetic awareness.
I enjoyed reading your sharing about your personal development – from a needy person to a woman, who adores herself and knows her values. It is so true- first we have to learn to love ourselves, and only then we are able to love another person. What I find so interesting is the fact, that often we have pictures about our partner and if the partner doesn’t fit our images, we have a problem. But this doesn’t have to be the case – we can let go of all the pictures and meet another person without any expectations or whatsoever. Only then a true meeting of 2 people can happen.
So gorgeous to read your comment Richard and I loved this line ‘We can forget chat up lines for ever – a woman – or man – in their amazingness is a magnet for true relationship.’ so true this is!
There are so many pearls of wisdom shared in this article, the one that struck me this afternoon was that we bring our old patterns, hurts and fears to everything in life, not just dating if we approach them “…without openness, or without the love and commitment to myself first…”. Committing to love and care for ourselves brings an inner confidence that allows an openness and trust with all others – and there is a freedom then in the interactions because there is not the pressure of us needing another to bring that love and care to us first.
Most of us have gone into relationships feeling needy, with the wish that relationships would somehow “magically” fulfill us, but of course they never do. It is much more honest to just admit our own emptiness and the truth is going into anything with emptiness, it will also be emptiness that meets us back, but love is who we are, and be that and love will greet us back.
Beautifully said Adele – simple and true.
This blog inspired me to try online dating. Gosh, its a bit overwhelming at first- really got to not have any pictures or investments. It was great to come back and read this blog as inspiration.
Go MW! Love this – it really is an awesome example of the power of inspiration.
When we present with all of who we are, meeting someone on a first date, not trying to impress or hide any part of ourselves, it gives the other person the opportunity to do the same. This way of meeting lays a true and solid foundation for the relationship or friendship, because once the relationship develops all is going to be reveled to the other person, so if we have been dishonest about who we are at the start it then becomes a problem or issue later on.
I agree Thomas and we can only do this when we have that solid foundation within ourselves first of knowing and accepting ourselves for who we truly are.
So true Thomas, I can relate to what you share. When I have been on a date and go into trying to become what I think they want me to be- there is no connection and the conversation is hard. When I relax and don’t need the date to be anything and without any attachment to how it goes- I’ve had a great time and it allows the other person to relax too.
“What I feel shifted was the quality in me. If I had approached our date without openness, or without the love and commitment to myself first, then I feel it may have gone the way of past relationships.”
This is a great point Jade, we can end a relationship that’s not working and start a new one, but if we have not changed the quality within ourselves, even though we are with someone new we can repeat the same patterns again, thus re-creating the same things that didn’t work in the last relationship.
What I feel this blog highlights is the importance of building self love and dedication to ones body first, before entering into a relationship ( or if one is already in a relationship, taking the time and effort to build that love with one self, at the same time as relating to the other). From this foundation of love and dedication, to oneself, it is possible to have much more balanced, harmonious relationships and friendships with other people, with this we are seeking love from the outside, which even if we are given, we wont be able to receive in a body that we have not loved.
When we build our connection with the love that we are, this is what we bring to all our relationships – beautiful!
“I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.”
This was and is a huge and fundamental shift Jade, in the way we perceive ourselves, something that I started working on and am still am, re-leaning to deeply accept, honor and love oneself, may sound easy, but requires a consistent, dedication to not entertain the thoughts and behaviors that don’t support the love we are, honestly looking at the self- bashing and negative thoughts, discarding them and choosing to appreciate the gorgeous beings we all are.
Absolutely Thomas, to accept, honour, and truly love ourselves is not a one off decision but an everyday choice that builds and deepens through our commitment to it.
I had all these ideas that you needed to ‘get’ somewhere and almost be perfect before you could enter into a relationship. I am now learning that its just about being yourself and allowing another to see and experience that.
I can relate to what you share here Kristy…and trying to be perfect creates so much complication along with the fact that chasing perfection is exhausting! Love the simplicity of just being ourselves and allowing others to see the truth of who we are rather than a concocted picture of who we think we should be.
I had felt similar Kristy, that I had to be almost perfect and not just in regards to dating, but in all my relationships and it was exhausting! What I am realising more and more (and it is a continuing learning) is that when I love and accept me, the more I am open to loving and accepting others as they are. It isn’t about perfection it is about loving who we are and never holding back from living and being that loving self with others.
“I felt empowered as I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal. It was from this new awareness I committed to trying Internet dating again.”
This part, in fact the whole blog should be published on internet dating sites globally, it could be part of the registration requirements possibly, as if more women and men felt this, there would be a lot more solid, loving and committed relationships in the world, great role models for our children, and much less dependency, abuse and divorce.
I agree Thomas – what Jade has laid ut for us should be shared on internet dating sites far and wide, as it demonstrates a true model for responsible, honouring and loving relationships – which is what most people crave when they are looking for a partner.
Thank you Jade, I love reading this blog and am feeling inspired. And not just in regards to dating but there are some wise words shared which are valid for any true relationship – thank you.
“Through the presentations I had begun to see that I was responsible for the choices in my life” Jade for me and many others this is quite a revolutionary point you make, yet one that seems very obvious. The choices we make are entirely our responsibility.
Jade, I love this, ‘I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are’, I can feel how it’s easy to get caught in blaming another for not being the way we think they should be – for not being the ‘perfect’ partner and so we can blame them for being the problem in the relationship. It is wonderful how you bring the responsibility and focus back to yourself and to being about loving the real you that you are.
I agree Rebecca, it is a hugely important realisation that Jade is sharing with us here. The only way to get a true relationship is to bring who we truly are to the relationship, no facades, pictures or game playing – just being yourself, and by that allow and inspire a potential partner to be the same.
Jade I love that you share your experience with us all. I would love to see every internet dating website have your blog posted on it as it really reminds us of whats true and can help disperse illusional ideals of relationships which… lets face it many of them will have come laced with.
‘The day of our date came and anxiety was there, but what was different was my commitment to me. I felt strong within myself and complete as I am…’ it is awesome to feel the support of bringing your commitment to yourself Jade when it came to meeting other people – what a great foundation.
Wow, very succinctly you just summed up the foundation for all our relationships Jade, “love is within us all equally and it begins with loving ourselves first. From here we can build the foundations of developing true relationships with others – not in perfection, but in truth.”
This is a wonderful sharing, Jade. I have also come to realise that if I live from the beautiful quality of my essence, I will naturally have love in my life, and so there is no picture or attachment to what that needs to look like.
It is beautiful how you described this Janet, offering a deep calling back to “the beautiful quality of my essence”. What is not to love about us from with in?
“love is a quality and not a picture”… What a marvellous statement Katie, how very true this is
“I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.” When we love ourselves first, we are no longer looking for someone to fill the void that we feel, and as a result we free ourselves to find a partner on an equal basis, and not out of the need we once felt.
So gorgeous to read this blog Jade. I have thought of those dating sites as desperate attempts to finding a partner. But you have opened my mind to seeing that this is not the case as long as you remain connected and true to yourself and don’t go there with any preconceived ideals or expectations.
Loved reading your story Jade – I can honestly say that I still carry some form of picture of how things are to be like but also I have to say that I have a very strong feeling of things and lately coupled with this feeling of me being with someone I see couples in nature everywhere, birds of all kinds, deers as late as today, so perhaps nature’s telling me to keep my eyes and my heart open.
How lovely, Matts, that you are receiving reflections in nature confirming your deepening sense of what true relationships look like. Reading your comment, the feeling I get is of an embodied harmony with another, that does not have any pictures to live up to.
I am beginning to appreciate just how many pictures, ideals and beliefs we carry of ‘how things should be’ and when life does not match up to these ideals or pictures we feel disappointed. I observed recently how I created a picture and focused so much on the picture that I overroad everything I was feeling. We set ourselves up to fail continuously by creating images that will never be and in chasing those images we disconnect from the wisdom our body is sharing with us.
So true Fiona…our body is like a radar – not only has it had to cope with the consequences of all our choices, it is also very sensitive to all that is going on around us, so we will fail every time when we continue to seek images outside of us rather than the truth of what our bodies always show us.
What – what an amazing love story, a true one, that starts with you and ends up with an amazing relationship – thank you for sharing.
What I love about this story is that YOU changed and then THINGS changed. We are the catalyst for all that happens for and to us.
I agree Sarah – this is such a beautiful example of how things can change when we take responsibility for every choice we make and understand how hugely this affects everything in our lives.
Yeah great point Sarah- I really enjoyed this too. That when we change how we are with ourselves things constellate and change from here.
Gorgeous Jade, I love how you bring it back to loving ourselves first and being open. This is everything in relationships.
“…meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal.” This is the perfect headline for any dating service. The more I want to become complete through a partner, the more the ideal of Mr. Perfect gets hold of me and the illusion that there is ONE partner out there for me. Whereas when I feel complete already it is more likely to happen to meet a true partner, because I can meet everyone as an equal.
How glorious Susan – “firstly there is no such thing as perfect, secondly, there is no search and thirdly there is no more thinking I am not enough”. A celebration is in order!
Thanks Jade for bringing to light our first and greatest love affair – the one with ourselves.
Well said Andrew – our greatest love affair is the one with ourselves. It is an amazing yet very natural feeling to be with people who reflect that they deeply love and appreciate themselves. Natural, because we all recognise this state of being deep within ourselves.
Yes, I agree Eva, and well said Andrew, our greatest love affair is with ourselves, and to know ourselves so deeply, that is what confirms who we truly are every time, no question.
Yes so true and awesome expression Richard. You brought it home very clearly with: “We can forget chat up lines for ever – a woman – or man – in their amazingness is a magnet for true relationship.” After this, any chat-up line will just feel yucky, which they do anyway, however coupled with our knowingness of how amazing we are, those lines so obviously show themselves up to not being the real and true deal.
Your sharing is awesome Jade – internet dating harbours much falsity and you cut through this with your loving connection to you offering another to also let their guard down and be themselves. Not being fixated on an image and allowing yourself to feel before seeing is inspiring.
Back to thinking versus feeling again – these ‘thought monsters’ truly do know how to get in. So good that we also can feel into things and when feeling in connection, can kick them into touch …
I so relate to your blog Jade, and having read what you share there were quite a few ‘similar’ occurences I had experienced too. What I fully connect with is : “I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal. ” This is profound and so important to have this as the basis for any relationship.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Jade. The tick box approach to dating which is so common has to go! It doesn’t work and never will because it begins the relationship with expectations and rules rather than love.
Yes I agree Fiona, having a tick box list or a rigid view of what a potential partner needs to be is really only a set up for it guarantees that we won’t connect to love and it is an excuse for not being open in our relationships.
This is equally true to so many other areas of life too, when we focus on box ticking we dismiss what we feel.
That can be so subtle too Fiona. I never thought that was how I was, in seeking relationships but ticking boxes is exactly what I was doing. I can confirm what you are saying that it doesn’t work because eventually all the boxes are ticked and then you are left feeling empty and wanting to move on. It completely changes “I just don’t love you anymore” to “You just don’t tick my boxes anymore”.
Reading the box ticking comments I can feel have much I have applied box ticking to bringing a picture of me to a relationship. Thanks for opening up this awareness.
Here here Fiona, Without love first what hope do we really think we have of finding it?
A very inspiring article Jade – I have never tried internet dating myself and have in the past had resistance and judgment of it, as if it were not a decent place to date and not to be trusted. Today I know that it is just a reflection of what plays out in our life in general and that if we choose to hold back and not show the world who we truly are, how can we expect anyting else in return?
Really lovely story ? I have been single now for quite a while and tried internet dating although only briefly and had an experience with a blind date a few years ago which was lovely because I had no expectations, was just me and my heart was open to them as a person, it was good to meet but neither of us felt to meet again. The other day I felt a belief I had been holding onto along the lines of I’m not worth being loved! Totally insidious and something I did not know was there. Like you say deeply loving and caring for ourselves first is so important with nothing to do about having a partner or not, we have so much to learn in regards to this and Universal Medicine are leading the way ✨
I have been single for a long time too. I have made brief attempts at writing a profile, which I didn’t find that easy. Thus said a apt to me about my need to deepen my own relationship with myself first. I feel as Jade has pointed out, the claiming of who you are is needed before you put yourself out there.
Thank you Fiona that is exactly what I have felt too but did not express, in showing my need to deepen my own relationship with myself first.
Every relationship is an opportunity for learning and exploring relationships whether or not we are fully being ourselves is a great opportunity for reflection.
This is a great blog which exposes that fact that all relationships start with ourselves. It’s so easy to blame the other part, whoever that may be, and not take full responsibility. We cannot blame other people, or any thing, for that matter, because the energy in ourselves creates the outcome. This is extremely empowering.
If we develop a deep love for ourselves then we feel fulfilled and there is no need for another. We are not coming from a lack or emptiness and asking for the other person to complete us, but rather we are completing ourselves and then sharing that whole with another who if they are also doing the same thing builds a much bigger love than we could have on our own.
I have never tried internet dating but I can relate to what you are saying here because I have often found that the way I am feeling inside with myself determines how I present myself to others in all my relationships.
Jade you have just debunked a massive belief that is held by many and played upon by movies, novels, magazines, TV etc – that the love of our lives is ‘out there’ somewhere and we have to go out and find it somehow and once we do ‘find it’ we have to hang on to it and keep it, own it somehow. But what if love was not something to seek or attain outside but something that we have inside us all the time and all we have to do is re-connect to it to have all the love we will ever seek?
Well said Andrew. I don’t know how strongly this image is projected onto men/boys ( I would love to hear about it!) but it is very strong for little girls. It actually defines our worth if we are able to find ‘the one’, have kids and live happily ever after. It is a huge setup so we don’t look in the most obvious place for love – within ourselves.
I would say given the huge popularity of movies, books and TV shows etc projecting the storyline of two lonely down people who suddenly find each other and all their problems disappear, suggests that this image is projected just as strongly on men as it is women, perhaps just in a slightly different flavour. For me as a boy and young man growing up I remember it was still about finding ‘the one’ – the perfect woman who would look amazing, be intelligent, be an amazing mother and if most men were really honest we would admit that the image also includes a woman who will take good care of us and would not question us/challenge us too much or reject us. None of this is true of course and is based on need through a lack of self worth and self love that men also carry in my opinion equal to women.
How different would the world look if our children were taught that they are love and that the most important relationship to build is the one they have with themselves?
Exactly Fiona, obliterating any cause for war, and rather reuniting us all with the harmony present when we have dropped the fight.
and that belief traps us into thinking that that is what relationships are all about and that somehow “love hurts”. Yes when we see love is the seeking as you have described Andrew then it does hurt and continuously let us down. But when we re-connect to knowing that love is who we are (not something we find) the seeking and needing stops. This is a real blessing.
Wouldn’t it be amazing for a dating and internet service which supports a person, when completing their personal details, to connect them to expressing who they truly are.
Awesome blog Jade, which confirms our journey to expressing who we truly are. To fully understand who we truly are certainly takes some support I have found. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine presentations and practitioners have been integral and vital in my journey with this expression. Each day it deepens and not a day goes past where I don’t celebrate the joy of living with a true inner confidence which I deep down was always seeking but heading on a road to nowhere for so long. I am eternally appreciative of Serge Benhayon, Universal Reflection and myself. The greatest gift in the world.
Jade, it was great you had the courage and conviction to present the real you and not look to fill up a profile with ideals and images of what you felt might be attractive to another. In this honesty there is a great simplicity as you are not mixing yourself up in an arrangement to try and gain something from another. Instead you would know that what comes back is more genuine and the fact you had many responses without a picture is testament to that.
This beautifully illustrates through online dating that the type of people we meet in our lives are offering a reflection to us of how we are living and our relationship with ourselves.
Isn’t that the most beautiful way to see the types of relationships we are in? And it speaks of nothing but responsibility and what we need to learn about in life.
There is an honesty about internet dating in the sense that you pretty much putting it out there that you want a relationship in some form. Although i didn’t meet my partner on internet site, i had been on it previously and found it a very positive experience in the sense where it was very clear to me that it was up to me what i put out there, whether i put out there who I am or some idea of what would impress….in this process writing about myself and putting my picture up was very empowering as a woman, who is not desperate or seeking intimacy for my own needs, but as said so eloquently in this blog, its about bringing who i am to the equation – choosing love. It like a pull, a magnetic pull where love will pull towards us – the love we have connected to within. It was the love i claimed within as a woman, and although I didnt meet my partner on line, it was the love choice that i met him, and the solidness of our love and commitment i have never experienced before. I deeply appreciate Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine bringing a way that is real and can be lived in life with the quality of love, very ordinary, practical and beautiful.
Beautiful Karoline.
Thank you for sharing about your experience. It sounds like it is about claiming that you choose love and surrendering to the fact that you are already love and want to share that. It was great to hear that we can’t get stuck in the idea of how or when we will meet that person, as it will happen in its own way and timing.
It is refreshing and felt powerful Jade how at every point of meeting your partner you kept coming back to the connection to yourself and how complete it was and confident was the knowing of who you were. So need never crept in to the relationship. This is clearly how it is done, how to get out of the way and let love prosper.
I loved this too Simon. It was very supportive to read that even if you have been needy in the past, this is a lifetime sentence and we can develop a new way of being in relationships through a deeper connection with ourselves.
I love this blog,, thank you…it’s very simple – choose your ideals/beliefs in getting those boxes ticked or choose love first which begins wiht our relationship wiht ourself.
Jade one of the things this blog raises is the illusion of pictures. We seem to be sold a version of how life needs to be for happiness to finally occur, whether it’s the perfect body, younger skin, perfect partner, career or houses etc, we somehow buy into these pictures and chase after them like our whole worth and life depends on them. We will even destroy our health and finances to get to these Holy Grails. As I examine these pictures of life I see how flimsy they truly are, and I have to now question how I have even given weight to them. They seem so silly yet we are consumed with chasing pictures. All I can come to as I write is that we lack the solidness of knowing how amazing we are, as you have shared so beautifully Jade, and that all the love we could ever need is inside of us and is indeed who we actually are. In this there is an inner completeness that no outer picture could compete with. What a a settled way to live!
When we stop looking outside for love to fill the emptiness we may feel, the love from within can be felt, fulfilled and lived for all to see. Come back to what is already within and BE the love we so desperately seek. Now, who wouldn’t want to share that with another?!
Beautiful Rachel, who wouldn’t want to share that with another. It makes sense absolutely, a love affair with ourselves first, then to bring that to all.
Jade, this blog holds such a strong truth and one that is so needed in our lives. I have been in a relationship for years yet everything you have written is as relevant to me as to anyone. At any stage we can enrich our lives by connecting to and loving ourselves and this takes the pressure off any relationship to be something it can never be.
I too am in a long term relationship, but I agree Amanda, we can continue to develop that loving connection to ourselves that then has a lovely ripple effect out to all our other relationships. When we are full and truly valuing ourselves, it does take the pressure off of others to do that for us.
I love hearing positive experiences with internet dating – it gets such a bad wrap at times and used for mainly sexual encounters. But you, Jade, have totally re-imprinted the potential of what internet dating can be like when used for a true purpose. It’s another avenue or medium for totally claiming ourselves and letting the world see us – if I wasn’t in a relationship I would love to have a go 😉
Yes I agree I suppose internet dating is a bit like other forms of social media – it can be misused for abuse or a superficial lack of true connection with each other, or it can be a great tool that allows us to express ourselves and facilitates a deeper connection between people.
I loved reading your comment Richard – expressed with such beauty, power, sensitivity and appreciation.
Thank You Jade, this blog was so powerful for me and so healing to read today. I feel this relates so well to all relationships, not just dating. The foundation of loving yourself and confirming how amazing you are is a great platform to relate to others from. Once we eliminate the neediness then there is space to share who we are, and space for true connection with others.
Oh! and I also wanted to say that it was beautiful to read and appreciate a ‘real’ happy ending. So gorgeous Jade.
Jade, you are a wonderful ambassador for internet dating. You so beautifully and simply share that the key is to firstly be open to being honest and appreciating yourself and then from this foundation you will discover how simply and naturally life flows. And anything is possible!
Jade, it was a healing for me to read this, and I trust I have been not the only one. You touched me with every word you say, as what you share is so familiar, and I guess again I am not the only one. You inspire me to be all of who I am in any other date I will be present. Thank you I will take this to my every day.
Jade this is such a great inspiration and breaks down a lot of images and internet dating pre-conceptions. You share what become so simple with true connection to yourself.
I have always cringed at the idea of internet dating and I could even feel my resistance when I first began reading your blog Jade. But as I let go I realise that my experience is based on my approach. Without an openness how can I let anything or anyone in?
Same Nikki, I always thought Internet Dating was “wrong” and the old fashioned way is best, but it doesn’t matter as long as we show our true selves.
I held the same reaction to internet dating initially also Nikki, which now when I sit that field next to the environment that is in most cases the alternative, being the pub, I can see how ridiculous the judgement I was holding on it actually is. Regardless of the environment we take ourselves to, if it is without a true and loving connection with myself first, what really is it I’m taking, and therefore will find.
This is beautiful and very inspiring. When we approach life with a connection to ourselves combined with an openness what we allow can be magical. Perhaps there is magic waiting for us all the time yet we block the passage when we get caught up in ourselves.
There is a hurdle I have put up between myself and internet dating…I have made it a “no go” zone, and fed that notion with other people’s tales of woe and drama.
Then I read your blog.
Simple, so refreshingly simple and light. It is no big deal in terms of drama, but the world’s biggest deal in terms of offering the world ourselves.
The lovely thing is that this blog could have been called “Job seeking – A life changing experience”, because it applies to the writing of a CV….or “Going to the Shops – A life changing experience”, a blog about being deliciously and completely ourselves buying green beans and garlic.
So where does this leave me now in my relationship with Internet dating?
For the first time it feels like something I am interested in doing, because it is not for a result, but for the delightfulness of being me in another facet of human life.
Thank you Jade.
Absolutely gorgeous Rachel! It’s not such a big deal, another thing just being ourselves! If it doesn’t work out whooptee doo.
Love this Rachel! Yes it is something we can apply to our everyday, bringing loving and being our all no matter what the situation – it all begins with loving you!
It all lies within…Thank you Jade, so showing yet another example of this simple truth.
‘I was responsible for the choices in my life, and that I could make changes if I was willing to see the roles I had played to this point’. I loved this line jade, when we are willing to see the roles we play and then make a choice to change and take responsibility, we are saying yes to evolution. As was your choice in choosing to be totally open and showing all of you creating an open space for love to enter.
Jade an incredible story that is so worth sharing. Finding true love can be hard to find when we are searching in all the wrong places, it’s been a blessing in my life also that I’ve been reminded that it lives within.
Absolutely Richard, and when the search for love is outside of us, it is never ending search, one that I did for years, and even when I met what seemed like the perfect partner, I always felt like there was something missing and would leave the relationship in search of it. The crazy thing is that it was my connection with my own love that was missing.
This blog raises the point of how we can so often hold ourselves better and lesser than the person we are meeting when it comes to dating and all relationships – which in truth shows how we do not meet each other at all and hold each other as equals. This blog revealed to me how often I have chosen to do this within my life and how it has tarnished my relationships, sometimes before they even had a chance to start. The more I have nurtured and held myself in love, the more I am open to meeting others as equals, with nothing to prove or find in the other. Something I am so grateful for ever considering: that we are all absolutely worth loving with the most important relationship being the one we have with ourselves. What stems from there is truly beautiful.
Totally agree Madeleine, it is something that I am continuing to learn and allow into my life – with more love of self, the more I am able to love all others equally. When we find ourselves judging who we are this judgement is reflected in how we are with all others, I am finding the more I let this go, the more space I create for love into my life and the more my relationships with others begin to grow.
Perfection can be so capping in dating. I remember having lots of expectations about how my partner had to be in the past, I might have missed out on some really beautiful men because they did not fit into the picture I had of my perfect boyfriend. What I know now is that there is much more about a relationship than just feeling attracted, liking the look, the way a person acts etc. it is the connection that is most important to me, the joy we can have and the deep love shared.
There are two ways to deal with finding a needle in a haystack. Go through every single strand of hay one at a time – or…grab a magnet. It is so much easier.
What is my point? Dress yourself as a scarecrow and you will attract a lot of hay.
Hilarious Adam with the depth of truth! Or be the love you are as it can only pull like a magnet love. Love cannot mix with anything less!
Haha Adam this is beautiful and also very wise!
Yes the self-fulfilling might work for a time.. but after a while be that 1 year or 10+, the ache of the tension in having a relationship that’s not been founded on being real or true, will be felt/cannot not be felt. The question is how long do we delay the inevitable? Choosing realness, openness, even fragility in relationship first, lays the ground to be fertilised by the seeds of a more true love. A love that’s full can be sustained and long lasting in flourishing joy, instead of flourishing tension.
Beautfiul expression Zofia, and absolutely on the mark! Nothing more to say as that is how it unarguably is!
Hmmm, when you put it like that Zofia – that our choices grow a love either sustained “in flourishing joy” or “in flourishing tension”, it makes the choice incredibly clear.
Wow, love that Richard – “We can forget chat up lines for ever – a woman – or man – in their amazingness is a magnet for true relationship” – YES! …no fancy words required, but still silence being the sound of the most greatest beauty.
Great story Jane! Loved reading this. I’ve been allergic to online dating forever and slowly working my way through what’s holding me back. This has been a great example of what is possible.
Thank you!
I love this blog – made me want to go on a date with you!
Incredible to read what happens when we let go, trust, be open and commit to being ourselves no matter who we meet or where we are. Beautiful blog Jade, thank you for sharing it with us.
Keeping you updated as you were the one that has inspired me to be more pro active on the dating site. The guy I texted rang me tonight , he seemed like a nice guy and we are going to meet on Friday. It does not matter whether it develops into a relationship or not as I will have met and connected with a decent guy that lives and works locally.
Love it Mary-Louise! No holding back of the amazing love you are.
Wow, thanks for the update Mary-Louise – super inspiring!!
Jade, I love how you came to know that it is about the connection you have with yourself and not about the other person. The more we connect with ourselves the more we connect with another.
“I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are.”- I agree, if we are looking for an ideal man it will never be fulfilled, as there is no perfection in relationships. It is about being true, honest, respectful, loving and allowing ourself to be vulnerable to reveal the tenderness, divine beauty and sacredness within as a true woman.
Thank you Jade for sharing your internet dating experience which inspires me to consider it as a possibility. For me the key was reading ‘I knew whatever happened I would be true to myself’. There are so many experiences I have had since attending Universal Medicine presentations where I have had the inner confidence of knowing this as a truth – the more I love myself the less neediness I project onto anyone else which has transformed my relationships. As this evolves I become more open to the possibility of a new relationship knowing that I don’t have to lose myself as has been my experience in the past.
I love this Helen and how true this is ‘the more I love myself the less neediness I project onto anyone else which has transformed my relationships.’ The key to it all begins with developing a true and loving relationship with self without the need for boxes to be ticked, pictures of ideals or attachments to outcomes; from there we are free to allow ourselves, life and our relationships to naturally unfold to their full potential.
What a love story, I could feel such a gorgeous dating experience with yourself. It wasn’t about the happy ending, it was and I am sure still is, about getting to know you and constantly choosing to be you in your relationships.
Beautiful Lucy ‘…choosing to be you in your relationships’ also inspires the other to be themselves also in relationships.
Yes absolutely Lucy, knowing we are enough and loving ourselves as such leads to firstly a beautiful, ever evolving relationship with self that allows you to bring this to all other relationships. Then secondly the development of amazing growth in our relationships with our self, our partners and our relationships with all others the more we commit to this.
We can build up a picture of how men or women will be on internet dating, but perhaps it is best to keep close to our heart at all times the face that all men and women are enormously sensitive beings and that everyone just wants to be loved and that sometimes that comes out in loving ways and other times not so much. But holding this fact makes the whole process simpler and makes everyone that much easier to accept.
Jade I can so relate to everything you write here, amazing how once we commit to loving and appreciating ourselves life flows in magical ways.
Beautifully said Samantha.
…and truly amazing relationships develop
Absolutely Samantha, and also those moments in relationships when something comes up, it does not poison the relationship because in commitment to love there is a want to not hurt each other but to come back to the love.
“I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.” in this statement lies so much that we have let go of in our lives. That we are worth loving and this starts with us first.
We can’t love another until we can love ourselves first, should be one of the basic principles that is is taught to us at school, as this will stop the neediness of looking for love in another.
I tried internet dating a few years ago just out of interest. I think if I were to do it again I would remember this blog and really claim who I am right at the beginning without holding back. Anything else leaves holes that then have to be explained later which can lead to resentment and time wasting. Lesson learned!
Jade what you share here; how you were feeling in the dating cycle – is a very common experience with a lot of people I know. So why is this? Is it possible that we have ‘setup’ love to be something that completes us or changes us or makes things better? it seems the romance and emotions and attachments that come with love have sold us a picture that is not necessarily the truth. I was very much the same and could not sustain a relationship because I felt I needed to be a certain way in love and tick all the boxes rather than simply just being me. What I have come to understand now from Universal Medicine is that love is a beholding, love is the ability to be absolutely everything that we are – in absolute honesty. It is equal within us all, and it starts with my relationship with me first. Since having this understanding, I have met the most loving and gorgeous man who is now my husband. Never ever did I think I would understand love in the past, but that is because I was looking for the complexities of love and what society paints it as, rather than its true simplicity.
When we meet others as our true selves, without expectations of others to be a certain way, we open up the door to a deep connection that can be there from the start. Your sharing is very beautiful Jade and very confirming that taking care of yourself first and allowing yourself to emanate the love that you are, is a great starting point to meet others.
This is such a cute love story, made even cuter by the fact that it has no frills, cover up or make believe. I am inspired by seeing that without idealism and trying to attain a perfect relationship to fix up something missing in us, the opportunity to really ‘meet’ (no ‘acting’ or neediness) someone is there. This is true for all our relationships, be they with family, acquaintances, friends, our daily one off meetings or a partner.
I really enjoyed reading your experience with internet dating but more so your deepening appreciation for yourself and how you grew to embrace the amazing woman you are. The relationship you now have is a gorgeous confirmation of the power of this and not needing another to bring to you the love you have not been willing to offer yourself first.
Unless we have the commitment to ourselves first of all, our intimate relationship with others will always be tainted by a neediness of what we haven’t already offered ourselves. Thanks for your inspiring sharing Jade.
Thankyou Donna, I love the way you have expressed this, looking outside of ourselves for what we have not yet given to ourselves.
Beautifully said Donna – simple and true. I have found this in my intimate relationship and it is great to reflect on – that when I start to feel neediness it’s actually a great marker to clock where I have fallen out of commitment or love with myself. If I clock it then I can ask questions like, what have my movements been like and where has my presence been to allow this feeling to come through? It’s really cool that I’m starting to see the ‘negative’ things as markers to come back to myself and not an excuse to indulge and self-berate.
Jade that’s gorgeous to hear about. So much changes when we have a relationship with ourselves first. I tried internet dating and it revealed so much about my self worth and what i was like with dating. Was super interesting to note.
I have tried it too and it showed me a lot of different sides of how I am with myself and with men. It was a great experience to observe myself in the process and to be honest about where and why I disconnect, to what I really feel at different stages of meeting men.
Yes, when we choose to be aware of our behaviours, I imagine dating can be quite exposing, like all other types of relationships I suppose…but where dating is meeting a new person every time, it’s easier to identify when we are putting on a show.
Yes Emily – I too found my experience of internet dating very exposing and at that time, went into shame of how I handled a situation. Looking back at it now I can let go of the shame or embarrassment of my choices and see the reflection it offered in how much I undervalued myself as a woman and appreciate how far I have come to honouring the sacredness of who I am today.
Realising that the greatest love we can meet is our own, removes the loaded expectation to meet the ‘right’ or ‘perfect’ partner. A super story to share, thank you
So true Johanne, to be loaded with expectation is so common in relationships, I have often imposed my expectations onto my partner of how I think he should act, yet this is so detrimental to our relationship and only leads to tension. I have found he key to breaking these unnecessary expectations is through developing a deep acceptance of myself and others. This is work in progress and an forever evolving and developing journey.
Expectations so load relationships and lead to upset and disappointment, further reinforcing old hurts that others cannot be trusted and withdrawing even more from people and relationships.
This is a powerful contribution, showing how two needy halves really don’t go together as in making one whole – sooner or later our projected needs are not met anymore and then reality invariably sets in; which then leads to the mistaken notion that our heart was ‘broken’ by someone else or that there is something wrong with love itself. It is our needy interpretation of love that is at fault here, something I have learnt from what Serge Benhayon and The Ageless Wisdom have been presenting, the former since 1999 and the latter right down through the ages.
When we start to feel complete within ourselves, our intentions for entering into a relationship completely change, and we do so not so much out of need as for a want to connect. This is very freeing for the other person, and until we get to that point, we do not realise how ordinarily our deep “need” for a relationship actually imposes upon the other person.
This is so true Adam, I have just started dating and I can feel when I am needy it pushes the other person away, however, when I am full it changes everything.
What a lovely blog Jade really inspiring if anyone was unsure of internet dating before they read your blog I feel you would have put their mind to rest. I have never been on an internet date but I feel from reading your blog, staying open and not having an image of what you would like them to look like or be is an important step in making a connection and enjoying their company.
An inspiring read for anyone stuck on the treadmill of repeating disappointments with the opposite sex. You prove it’s all about our relationship with ourselves first, learning to know how it is to love ourselves first before we can offer love to another. Simple really, but your results speak for themselves. Get need out of the way by accepting all that you are, that you are enough already – and the rest takes care of itself.
‘Get need out of the way by accepting all that you are, that you are enough already – and the rest takes care of itself.’ Love this line Cathy! This applies to every facet of our lives, as it is all one anyway. Work, relationships, family, friends and school – what ever our life looks like or what we want to do, when we make it about acceptance and surrendering to the fact that we are all we need then we are set for big things!
We spend so much of our lives looking outside ourselves – for a partner, for happiness, for acceptance, for recognition, for love. Yet all we need is already inside of us – we are love – and this just requires us to live in a way that is honouring of who we already are. As you share, Jade, appreciating that we are enough can change our lives and all our other interactions in an amazing way.
This is brilliant Jade and I Love that you keep bringing it back to the Love we have for ourselves being the key. Then any partner or friend is a bonus as they don’t complete us, but enhance our life. I am single but I have the seen the same things happen in close friendships that I have. Sometimes I ask myself – how this has occurred as the relationships are so honouring, rich and full. The only thing I can see is my willingness to be true to me and be open to others. Great recipes for success – thanks to the support I’ve received from Universal Medicine.
I love Shevon your recipes for success “to be true to me and be open to others” taking this on board would greatly reduce conflict in this world of ours..
Being with ourselves, our Love, is the hottest date going. A Fiery Love affair that is ever-lasting, ever-deepening and eternal, where one never feels alone.
This is so cool to see written. Funny and true – the best date in town is being with ourselves and the more we commit to this, the greater all our other relationships are. I love the fact that when I take me out on a date (to the supermarket, at supper with my family, reading with my son, walking with my partner…), the date is already everything I could ever want – this is then confirmed and expanded by the interaction with others.
I love Carola’s comment and yours Matilda shows having a date with ourselves as an ordinary everyday thing that we can do anytime, anywhere. What a super way to live each day.
I love it Carola, spot on, playful, powerful and so, so true and I absolutely agree.
This is the date to honour myself with every day – thanks for sharing how loving and evolutionary this feels Carola.
Wow Carola, that is a comment to get anyone feeling hot….I had to take a moment to appreciate what an incredible date I am. Thanks 🙂
Now this is what I call a Great Love story, one that is all about the power of true Love. For our truest Love is found within, and when we accept that we already are this Love we will discover that there is not an emotion in this world that can compare to knowing the Divine quality of our Love. As when we know our Love we know the Love of all and this fullness is a richness that cannot be contended with.
So true. Love and emotion are two totally different things.
From sharing your experience Jade you have highlighted how powerful it is to discover that being ourselves first, being the Love we are is by far our greatest Love. It is through the quality of our relationship with ourselves, with Love, that the quality of all other relationships develop. Being Love simply is being our Love, the essence of who we all are. When we surrender to our being-ness we walk with the power of knowing who we are, who we all are, and as such our activity is a reflection of this Love, the Love of us all. A beautiful and Heavenly gift that we can share with each other when we are simply being our true selves.
A beautiful sharing here, Jade, I love it. You have made it very clear here, that the key to developing a great relationship with a potential partner (however one meets that person) is to first have the grounding of truly loving oneself. As you say, “I have learnt that love must begin with self – there is no greater love and we all hold this equally within our hearts.” I love how you approached your internet dating foray from this basis, writing truthfully from the heart about yourself, with no attempt to create a deliberate image that would tempt someone to be attracted to you. Yes, a true relationship must come from absolute truth.
Beautiful Jade! 90% of relationships out there probably don’t happen this way, people come into relationships with need! To think of all the problems that happen in relationships now like – holding back, missing connection, arguments, jealousy, violence, abuse and emotions – they probably didn’t start like your ones!
Yes Harrison what a beautiful foundation Jade started this relationship with – truth! When we are honest with ourselves and bring the full us to any situation whether it be on a date at work or with family everyone benefits and it is a win win for all involved.
I agree Harrison. In most likelihood 90% of relationships don’t happen in the way Jade describes her experience. When the imprint is set true from the beginning the rest has to follow. If we start any relationship from need then it opens the floodgates of, ‘holding back, missing connection, arguments, jealousy, violence, abuse and emotions’…and the we wonder how we got into this mix?
Recently I have been on a dating site and it has been a joyful and great learning experience. Starting with ‘what do I write about myself?’ and also what do I answer on all the typical questions: what are your hobbies, what movies do you like and what is your favorite holiday? Being open, without a need, made all the differences for some great connections. Being open is key and as I learned you can meet your partner anywhere, also on a 7 minutes train ride.
Thank you for sharing this Monika. No fairy tale story but a real life experience of opening up and meeting your future partner on a 7 minutes train ride.
Thank you Jade I loved reading this blog and how you say when you were writing your profile you focused on writing about the true you and not in a way to attract the ideal partner. It feels like this is something that can be applied to other areas of life – just being our true selves with no ideal picture.
” being our true selves with no ideal picture.” -This would cause so much less stress and strain within relationships, and all area’s of life. Transparency with no ulterior motives.
Writing a profile in itself is a deeply healing experience, for you have to claim who you are in truth without looking to hook another through ticking their boxes or desires. Ideals are only an illusion based on comfort and not the kind of foundation you want for a relationship if it is to be based on love… but presenting you as you with raw honesty absolutely is.
I can relate to writing my CV like this, I had for years a CV that just about did the job, I was inspired by an Esoteric Medicine Practitioner to write one that was not about selling me more rather a claiming of me and to not hold back. I did and got offered an amazing job. We are worth putting effort into ourselves.
Yes, I picked up on that too. How often do we write a biography or profile to hook people in? Simply presenting ourselves and even not holding back is well worth a go, even if it takes a few tries.
Internet dating gets a bad rap sometimes, and I’ve heard stories of women who have inappropriate photos sent to them from men, men who turn up on a date and look nothing like their photo, their photo was take 10 years ago, or their messages are loaded with sexual innuendo and suggestion … and other experiences that don’t sound great. However, my experience so far has been that all the men I’ve chatted to online be it for one message, or leading to meeting for a first meeting, have all been very respectful and decent. And I put this down to what we put out is what we get back. I have gone into this similar to you Jade by putting up a profile that represents me – no hooks or ideal partner. I know many men wouldn’t be interested because there is no hook there. But the ones that do respond, seem to be genuine in their desire to connect, and if not, usually within 1 message, they’ve dropped away. I am still feeling my way with all of this, so your blog is very timely and inspiring. Thank you Jade.
Absolutely inspiring and deeply supportive in changing my views on internet dating that were held due to numerous stories I have heard that were similarly horrible or even downright comedic in some cases. After reading this I feel more open to the possibility that true relationships can be found online when you approach it genuinely empowered and without need like Jade did.
Samantha, it’s actually fun when you drop any attachment to ‘meeting a man’ through these sites. I know that sounds crazy as it is online dating, but having zero need or agenda, you can just be yourself. It’s also great because you do get to see where there may be a need or wanting something from them that you many not be aware of … that’s my experience. A very wise man said to me many years ago ‘when you feel ready, go online to meet someone’. When I questioned this, he said something like ‘well, you’re not going to meet a man in a bar’. So, so true. Go for it.
“I felt empowered as I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal.” – this is surely the answer to all our relationship wows…focus on loving ourselves deeply and then take that to another who does the same and watch what happens – magic.
Great summary – and as you say, a great remedy for our relationship woes. And no more broken hearts in sight, just responsibility, honesty and the willingness to look at our ‘stuff’.
This is a great example of what you put out you get back and it really shines a new light on all those internet dating horror stories and so good to know it wasn’t a short lived romance but one that has blossomed.
Great blog Jade it offers a great perspective to internet dating showing that it can be used to connect to people and not to just hook up and find a person who pleases our needs. Very inspiring.
A seemingly perfect guy (who will never ever make justice to the image of the perfect guy) will never be enough to erase from a woman’s body her hurts and needs.
I was so inspired by your blog that I contacted a guy today that had been contacting me and I had as yet not got back to him, I was stalling. We have arranged to speak this week. Thanks Jade for your awesome blog.
Wow, its amazing what our livingness does and the inspiration it allows for another.
Letting ourselves be inspired by someone is another brilliant aspect of relationship. Openness, gentleness and honesty with ourselves being the foundation…making it possible to see great things in others and know we can choose them too.
This is super inspiring Mary-Louise
You are so right, Jade- it is not about looking for perfection in another. We do this to fill the emptiness within ourselves. When we bring ourselves fully to a relationship without expectation the relationship has fertile ground on which to grow. I know this to be true. I love what you have shared here.
No wonder there are many disastrous relationships because people feel the needs of others and run a mile. As soon as you start playing this game, it is felt by another and this either causes them to react and play back or do not want to be around it.
So true Matthew, I have been internet dating and when I feel men approach me with these pictures of what they want me to be I want to run. I can also feel when I do the same- they also want to run.
Hi Jade, thank you for writing this blog – I have had a go at Internet Dating, having been inspired by my many friends who have made successful relationships, but, although I went out on dates with a few guys, nothing developed from any of them – either I didn’t light them up or they didn’t feel inspiring enough for me. I realised that until I can love myself enough, I’m not going to be able to offer the same love to another, and so I gave up. What your blog calls to mind is the possibility that I could simply have fun whilst developing my love for me. So I might have another go . . .
My experience with internet dating was brief but fruitful – meeting a wonderful partner and leading to marriage soon after. I didn’t realise it at the time but what I did do was just be me – the real me, without any façade. My wife often recalls how when she looked at my profile she was looking for the undertones or hidden meanings in what I had said – but there weren’t any. What we both brought to the table was a true quality and an honest and open sense of self, the rest is history.
What a fantastic blog about being the love we want for ourselves first, then any and all relationships can be about sharing the love that we are with others rather than looking to others for love. Often we look to and expect friends, family and partners to bring us the love we want, and even say things like ‘getting our needs met’ in relationships rather than bringing the fullness of ourselves to the relationship. This is a great sharing about internet dating.
I loved your blog Jade, and it is something very pertinent to me at the moment as I navigate the world of internet dating. I’ve noticed lately that I’ve dropped the picture of what I want a man to look like in physical form as I found I was looking for a type or a look before I would start chatting with someone online. Having dropped this, I’ve recently been chatting with a guy which may not be a romance, but there is an openness and honesty with each other that I haven’t experienced online with anyone so far.
Reading your blog Jade confirms yet again that it is our loving relationship to self that is the foundation to all other relationships and choices in our lives. Everything is a reflection. A Beautiful Sharing thank you Jade.
Our relationship with our self changes every-thing.
The absolute rock solidness of you Jade is the foundation to your article and as you so clearly presented the foundation to everything in your life. Superb sharing.
Jade what a refreshing and honest story to share… and absolute confirmation that what Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine offers, is the real thing. Change as fundamental as you describe does not happen otherwise, and the end result was and continues to be a beautiful reflection of that.
I enjoyed this article, the quality of it is simple, supportive and clear. Learning to love ourselves supports us sharing and receiving love. The example of your experience of internet dating is something that many people can relate to, what you describe about placing your profile for who you are, and not trying to appeal or attract is very powerful.
I have been in a relationship for around 12 years and I learnt to Love myself within the relationship “I was already amazing and whatever the outcome was, this would never change.” I did not know myself to be amazing a decade ago, but I do now and I share and receive so much more in the relationship I have. When we started out I had lots of self loathing and little self worth, bringing Self-Love and nurturing into my life and feeling ‘Amazing’ in myself has deepened and brought more truth and Love into my husband and our relationship, and all of my relationships.
Being aware of our own responsibility in relationships fundamentally alters how we go into them, how we interact and what we share “I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are.” Learning to Love ourselves enables us to Love another, and learning to Love ourselves enables us to be Loved.
Wow what an amazingly sweet story, when it went from the first date to you being together 5 years I cried out in joy, it is so amazing that you have found someone to lovely, because you yourself were solid in the knowing that you didn’t need anything from them, and so they too could just be them, no need to impress you or be someone for you.
Jade – this article is gorgeous to read, I love this,’ this time I wrote about the true me’, what a difference – to know that you are enough and to put yourself out there with confidence and knowing who you are, being honest and open, this is lovely and resulted in you finding someone who was open and true back.
After reading this it makes me wonder how many profiles there are out there on these dating sites which are based on an image of what a person thinks is required in order to attract a date, and how many of the photos are fake or misleading in some way.
A great question to ponder on Julie. Its as if we feel pressured to be someone else rather than just YOU!
‘I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships it is more about being and loving the real you that you are.’ I love this very uncomplicated, but at the same time revelatory comment. Its not about looking outside of ourselves for something that fits, but expressing ourselves in full, and knowing that we can evolve in relationship with each other.
Its a strange world where the words ‘I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving’ are so common. Its such a simple statement, and when we come into this world that is the assumption… so what happens? What patterns do we allow to build up that stop us from naturally loving who we are, and feeling like we are deserving of our own love?
What a great approach to dating! This is the key not only for internet-dating. It’s the key for all our relationships: with our kids, family, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, colleagues …
Such a great sharing for all those single people out there. A relationship can never blossom coming from a neediness so connecting to ourselves and the love we all are is the right way to go. You are so right, if you hadn’t been so open this would probably gone down a totally different path.
Yeah agree Kevin…it really comes down to what we are putting out, which comes from within to start with. It’s like anything, if the intention is off, it is bound to backfire at any given point.
I had some great experiences on a dating site myself and what offered me a great healing was writing my profile. As you say Jade it is not about attracting a man but an opportunity to express who we are from appreciation and love.
If we do not love ourselves we cannot love another, love is not a give and take but a state of being, a beholding and a way of living. Understanding this and applying it to life as you have Jade changes everything and offers a way to true relationships and true love.
Jade you share an immutable truth here and that is that the quality of relationship we have with ourselves determines the quality of the relationship we have with others.
Great sharing Jade! Your blog shows once again, how powerful we are and how much “say” we have in our own lives… and how there is no coincidence but only constellations that we ourselves have created or as a matter of choice co-created.
“Love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal” – reading this I could feel how there still was in fact a bit of pushing away of this possibility when I said ‘I do not need to be in a relationship with a partner’. Thank you Jade for this inspiring sharing.
What I love about your blog here Jade that you have related it to internet dating something that I have never done but what you have shared goes for all relationships, its about bringing me, all of me, not just the bits that I think the other person will like but me as a whole.
Jade, thank you for sharing your experience supporting everyone, man and woman, to know that true love and relationships always begin with ourselves first and thus comes the quality that we bring forth to another. I had goosebumps when you spoke of the openness you felt on your first meeting with your Internet date as I felt the preciousness of holding oneself in equality and the ease of no investment in outcome or future plans. This is beautiful!
I really enjoyed reading about your experiences of internet dating Jade. In essence, and as you have pointed out, it is about the quality and sense of self we bring to any relationship.
So interesting because we are often brought up with the idea of going out looking for the person to complete us and all the while we have this beautiful soul of warmth and love inside us, ready to enrich and expand our awareness and experience of what it means to live with love. How we are with ourselves matters, if we can care, love and nurture ourselves then this is naturally reflected to those we meet and interact with, as you say “…it is about the quality and sense of self we bring to any relationship”.
Absolutely Shirl, the more we know ourselves by our essence, having this as our first and most treasured relationship, the deeper and more honouring our other relationships become.
Absolutely Shirl it is about the quality and sense of self we bring to a relationship with anyone that is important and a gorgeous foundation from which to live by in any moment.
I really enjoyed your blog Jade. We put so many images onto certain situations and when the image doesn’t reveal itself we are let down. How many of these images are false, so no wonder we are never satisfied. It is like we recall an old image and try and make it fit into a new situation, just like recalling old photos from a computer but life has moved on and old images are simply not required.
It feels like there might be some illusionary safety that we inadvertently seek when chasing images, whether they be old or freshly conjured up. Safety and control both come to mind here.
So true Matthew, what you share about the images we create in our heads. I have done this many, many times and that feeling of being let down often leads to blame but in truth these images I create are unrealistic, utterly false and put pressure and expectations that crush relationships or cause conflict. To allow these images to dictate where my relationships with people should go feels for my part very irresponsible. But the great thing is I am learning to let them go and feel into what is true and allow my relationships to unfold naturally without expectations or perfection.
Nothing is grander than re-connecting to the love that is naturally inside of us, and to share that with another is a bonus.
Beautiful Jade.
The only thing “grander than re-connecting to the love that is naturally inside of us”, is then living with this connection, to the best of our ability, each day.
This was a very beautiful love story Jade. One that will inspire many. It just goes to show that if we are open to people we find people willing to connect . And as you say this has to start with our willingness to love and connect with ourselves first and foremost. Thank you for sharing
People are open and willing to connect Kathleen and the internet dating site is just one of the many ways. A great and simple point.
I really enjoyed reading your blog Jade and what unfolded for you. It is so confirming when you simply allowed yourself to be seen for who you truly are without any expectation or need your experience was very different. So much is communicated and felt energetically in our words and in fact in everything we do.
So simple and so lovely thank you for sharing
What’s interesting in my experience of internet dating, and what you also share here Jade, are those tick boxes and expectations that really spoil and get in the way of potential partnerships, though once this is spotted and such images dropped, we can often find that the opposite or most unlikely (partner) to what we thought or hoped for, is in fact the one with the greatest potential. I’m learning that it’s about just giving it a go, exploring and being as open as possible, understanding that this in itself is a great healing in being (open) with another, and seeing what eventuates as possible partner or friend.
Keeping it super simple, yes Zofia. Let go of pictures and tick boxing, and there we are, naturally drawn to others in the simplest way, through each others essence. How lovely would that be?
Jade, love the way you show the difference in internet dating when we’re connected to ourselves, and as a result the differing types of people that are then interested. It shows that how we are being with ourselves first does make a difference and if a true relationship is what we want, then this must start at home with us first.
“…if a true relationship is what we want, then this must start at home with us first” – So true Zofia, it makes no sense to put off truly loving and caring for ourselves until we have a partner – it puts so much unnecessary force behind “the search”, and with this pressure it is hard for something true to unfold.
“I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are.” Another great quote from your blog Jade, for once we let go of any picture of how we want someone to be we free them to be as they are and we can bring understanding to any situation that is not loving so that we can sift out the not-love to reveal the love that is there underneath any disagreement, misunderstanding or difference of opinion.
“I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal”. What you say here Jade, lays the foundation for a true relationship where we are not invested in any outcome for ourselves but are open to building more love by connecting to ourselves and the other person and not imposing any demands on them to be a certain way for us. This then allows space for both partners to expand into more of who they are.
Beautiful blog Jade and a lovely demonstration of how when we change ourselves we change our life and so any experience such as internet dating can have such a different quality to it. Once we know we are “already everything and not someone needing another to fulfill them” we can allow a constellation to occur that will work for all concerned.
What a difference it makes when we feel very solid in our commitment to love and care for ourselves over and above all the ideals and beliefs we hold about what our relationship with others ‘should’ be like. This is ground breaking for many people to realise but helps to explain why they have been left disappointed and hurt when things haven’t worked out as they expected. Thanks Jade for sharing – I wish everyone approaching new relationships, or even in existing relationships, could do so with the same sense of what they are offering to share while knowing the bottom line in terms of what is not acceptable just for the sake of having the relationship.
Dropping the picture of neediness and of how relationships should look like wlll open us to live what is true, where any image could never bring us to. As in the soul there are no images whatsoever, and impulsed to live life in such a relationship there is an openness to meet life with honesty, and what meets us back is also honesty and openness. A life lived without images simply feels like a big burden being dropped, imagine how all relationships would feel free of images, probably like a breath of fresh air and we are free to be ourselves without protection.
Gorgeous blog Jade. It’s amazing what comes to us when we are simply ourselves and have no investment in any outcome.
Yes Jennifer, no investment in any outcome is a key factor. This means we are far less likely to judge something that doesn’t necessarily tick our self-determined boxes and discard the potential of the relationship from that point on.
So true Jennifer as when we are simply ourselves there is nothing more needed. When we are with ourselves, we are already exactly where we need to be.
Yes, perfectly said Jennifer and Carola. That freedom of needing nothing from another person, expecting nothing, makes it all so simple. Just be, and enjoy.
Simplicity is so awesome, and letting go of need and expectation makes life so much easier, so much more harmonious and enjoyable in all areas of life.
Great point Jennifer. Walking into any situation that is new and allowing yourself not the invest in an outcome is huge in itself.
Thank you for bringing such a loving lightness to Internet dating. It feels like you have dispelled a few myths and images of what it can be like. Images seem to go hand in hand with not living who we truly are. Claiming ourselves is number one and only then we are open to the truth of what is before us. Lightness, playfulness and love are the indicators that we are truly ourselves in any situation.
I love your story Jade. I can really relate to how our attitude towards ourselves is reflected back to us by everyone we meet. This is true regarding online dating or at the butcher shop. If we seek love from others the key is to love ourself first and what a gorgeous truth that is. And I concur with you about what amazing support to explore how to do that Universal Medicine offers.
loved this Blog Jade! When I read “Our date flowed, going from our first meeting spot onto lunch elsewhere, and by the end of our date, I knew as did he, that this connection was different and worth pursuing further.
It has continued this way for the last 5 years”
I had a beautiful big smile on my face! 😀
I couldn’t agree more Jade, I personally haven’t been dating but I am finding I constantly have a choice to be open and loving to others based on how I am treating myself or not. Just today I was in a steam at a gym that I have joined – a first for 10 years! and in the steam room were 3 men all quite rough and ready, I could feel myself tense up as another woman left leaving me the only female but I chose to stay connected to me and be open. Every moment is an opportunity to be connected and open. It is not necessarily the most comfortable experience but it is the only way forward for me now.
“The day of our date came and anxiety was there, but what was different was my commitment to me. I felt strong within myself and complete as I am, and knowing that a partner would be an awesome addition to my life but not needed to fulfill me.” Jade I absolutely love this blog, what you share here about knowing that a partner would be an awesome addition to my life but not needed to fulfil me, is what I also feel for myself as I also have been on the internet dating scene, and it feels amazing to have this solidness within myself and be able to present me in my truth as best as I can when I meet men.
In the past I always shied away from pursuing internet dating, probably because there was still a need in me to have the perfect partner to complete me, and on line didn’t seem like the place to find him. But as you say so beautifully Jade: “I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are”, and this I have now come to realise is the key. If I am in love with myself I then have no need that requires filling, and so anyone that comes into my life will not be drawn in by that need but by the reflection of love that flows from me.
Hello Jade,
I think that is very important what you are sharing, you are highlighting that love does not always fit the image we fantasise about but it can be an amazing experience if you are ready to allow it in. I know lots of very stunning single women and they all deserve to be in a loving relationship but sometimes it feels like there are hardly any elligible bachelors out there. What you bring with this article is the importance of being open and never giving up, just continuing to be open but also knowing that you already have it all, a man is just an added bonus.
Sarah what you have shared is so spot on! I like many other amazing single women have ventured out into the world of internet dating and can share that there are a lot of wonderful people to meet. Often we can get on – line loaded with our ideas of how a potential partner should look, his job and how you want him to be. I have found the more loving I am with myself I am less judging of others. There are great friendships to be made from on line dating not just a potential partner. So worth a go!
I like this Sarah, “… but also knowing that you already have it all, a man is just an added bonus.” This is great because there is absolutely no reason to be anything other than yourself. They can take it or leave it!
Yes Sarah, it actually feels like the world is full of many eligible bachelors, they just need to be teased out of their shell, or more accurately shed of their mask of what it is to be a man. A hardness that few men actually want to be in. Not that I am saying that women do this for men, but more that often the reflection of a genuine women comfortable in their own skin is most likely to allow the real man to feel he can appear without feeling judged and not accepted. Fascinating subject.
Thank you Jade for sharing your experience with internet dating and dating as such.
The image of ‘romance’ we hold in our heads, must be one of the most destructive weapons on this planet. Constantly it has us chasing the dragon of attention and emotional need. It’s beautiful how not only did you see through this Jade, you did not hold back waiting to be ‘fixed’ (another great big trick) but put the truth you knew into action. You lived it and made it real – the very epitomy of what Universal Medicine’s presentations offer.
Yes Joseph, the ‘images’ we hold in our heads don’t allow us to truly see what may be standing right in front of us. Holding onto images can taint everything we experience in life.
So true, card companies make a fortune out of both romance and broken hearts, they don’t mind either way to continue to feed the image.
Looking outside of ourselves to anything at all, be that relationships, work, hobbies or anything else to make us complete is a total trap that robs us of the naturally completeness we otherwise always are. There is a limitless amount of love on offer to us when we choose to connect to who we are and from here we aren’t completed by anyone else, nor do we complete them, instead we are left freely in the grace of Love’s holding and the growth and expansion of this love is there to be lived.
Yes, Joseph, and that picture is constantly fed to us by the media, the film industry, books and then we confirm it to each other because we all in some way or another try to live up to it. For Jade to be able to free herself from that and approach her date with a clean slate is extraordinary and Universal Medicine is the only teaching that I have come across that supports you with that in every way.
It’s no wonder that the end result is completely different – without that neediness it’s no wonder that the people that are drawn to you are completely different.
Very true Joseph, the image of ‘romance’ we hold in our heads is very destructive. I have felt true romance to be there in every true intimate connection I have with either a men or a woman. It is no way near the romance we see in films or read about in books. It asks nothing of us but to be ourselves and allow the other in.
‘The image of ‘romance’ we hold in our heads, must be one of the most destructive weapons on this planet’ – I get this, Joseph. It is the ‘always out of reach’ ideal that means we are constantly disappointed and in the end ‘resigned’ to qualities of relationships that do not nurture or care for anyone. This is the great big human ‘give up’ on what we know to be true of love.
I have had some great experiences with internet dating and I have met some lovely men. Like you share, it all starts with you and how you are with yourself. I have been very open and sharing myself in full and I got great responses from men. I loved writing my profile and for me it is about meeting, which takes aways the whole dating pressure. And the first date/meeting with me is always…a walk!
This is a great tip Mariette, . . . a walk is a perfect way to approach a first meeting.
Yes, it makes it less intense and allows for feeling how we walk with each other and the connection established within the walk.
I love that Mariette, before we go on a date with someone else we need to go on a date with ourselves and a walk is a great way to commit and dedicate oneself to oneself.
Perfect – walking with ourselves in connection first before meeting someone on a first date so to speak, will greatly connect us to ourselves first – love this.
Or a combination of both. Ask someone to go for a walk on your date!
I feel the same Mariette, dating is firstly about meeting people. There is way to much pressure and expectation as we need to know from the first date if this is the partner for the rest of our lives. This why with dating I feel it is very supportive to look at a friendship first and simply meet each other as human beings instead of needing to be ‘the one’.
Makes it so much easier – to meet as human beings rather than ‘the one for life’ … It allows for flow and no expectation – takes all the pressure of immediately.
Makes it so much easier – to meet as human beings rather than ‘the one for life’. Yes Karina, this is exactly what is needed. Seeing the other as another equal human being who just happens to be a man but not have any label or need for anything more than getting to know them, frees us up to just be ourselves.
Its funny – I’ve been using a walk more often in some of my work relationships… it changes the focus, stopping everything from getting too intense, and allowing the conversation to flow and to pick up on what is going on around us as well as what we are discussing.
Yes me too Richard, like the other day after quite a frustrating conversation with someone from a webhost team – I felt I really needed to walk to change how I was feeling, had lost myself a bit there in my head… And I went for a walk around a nearby lake and it felt immediately so much better; on my return I was able to continue my work in connection again.
And we know how powerful ‘walking’ can be Mariette 🙂
Oh yes Marion, very powerful indeed. I love to take myself on a date as well in my lunch break and then I always go walking. I love walking around the canals and the lovely streets here in the heart of Amsterdam. No need for mountains or forests or beaches, walking can be done outside the office building.
That is so great, a first date walk, love it. I like to walk and talk. Walking is such wonderful way to feel the natural flow in life and stay connected with our bodies and it compliments a first date beautifully.
I’m with you there Mariette. I’ve had a few first date walks or a cup of tea in a cafe. I don’t go with expectations or anxiety about the meeting. For me it feels no different to meeting up with a friend and means that I can be myself. In the old days of dating, I’d build up the first date so much from the pictures I held that I wouldn’t see the man clearly, and would ignore any signs my body was giving me if it wasn’t feeling quite right.
That’s such a great sharing Mariette and a great tip to have for a first date going for a walk. What a great way to connect and just be yourself. I also love that you offer this simplicity with it and cut right through all the beliefs around a first date being a candle light dinner or something set up to tune two people in, instead of just being who we are in our fullness.
Mariette I love what you have shared. You are simply meeting another person and going out for a walk. There is nothing more natural than that. No expectations, no pressure, no hope that this will be “the one”.
It was so beautiful to read your story Jade and so different to most ‘love stories’ as it was grounded in self love and an intimate relationship with yourself and a knowing of your true value. The way you are sharing this with another is deeply confirming.
A relationship grounded in self love is paramount for building a truly intimate relationship with yourself that you can then share with another free of any need or the like. This is so different than looking for your worth in a relationship as many do… for your beauty and worth is already confirmed in the way you are with yourself.
This is beautiful to read and very profound and if only it was shared and known by everyone, what a difference it would make to so many bringing true honesty and love to everyone. This is the gift offered to us by Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon, inspiring us all to live with an honesty and love we all are truly inside, and bringing a joy and forever deepening to relationships when we have settled for so much less in society today.
I agree with you Tricia, Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon have certainly offered us an amazing gift here, my life has changed so much now that I live with honesty and a deep love for myself first of all. My relationships with others have blossomed since I now have such a different loving relationship with myself. Jade has shared such a truth with us here in her blog, in her case developing a beautiful relationship with a beautiful partner.
I love your blog Jade so inspiring. I too am on a dating website but have not been very active of late. Another woman was talking to me a couple of days ago about her experience on a dating website and now after reading yours too I am going to give it a go.
I went on for about 6 weeks one time, and then again recently a year later for about a week, and what’s been fascinating is seeing how I am, or hold myself with guys who are at first total strangers, and then how they hold me back through their replies etc. The whole experience can bring up a host of things like games or dynamics played, worth issues, checklists etc etc and hence I find internet dating a great lesson in self-understanding and relationship of myself and of others too. I’m appreciating the important lessons people unknowingly show me, or bring an awareness of, and in this way see internet dating no longer as the off-putting experience i had attached to it before, but now more as a gift and actual healing. It’s so worth giving it a go!
When reading this it seems like there a few steps and lessons learned along the way before even meeting up with someone. I have looked on dating websites but then it all seems a bit too much so go no further. This in itself is telling me something! I will consider this further – thank you!
I’ve dabbled a bit too recently with Internet dating but have now realised I haven’t really made a true commitment to the process of simply being myself without a picture of the outcome… Time to revisit this!
Beautiful Angela! Being ourself with no picture of the outcome is always assured of success!
What fun you will both have! You too will both have to share the results.
Yes what Jade has offered is very powerful, and offers a true foundation for internet dating. Not having a picture of how our potential partners will be, and not being attached to an outcome are both key.
The ‘ not being attached to outcome’ is a great key to keep in mind, to just flow and let be what will be. Makes the dating so much more fun.
I Love this Jenny as it applies to all relationships and situations in life, not having a picture or being attached to an outcome is so key and allows us to truly meet and connect with others. And it all begins with loving who we are first.
Yes, Mary-louise give it a go, you will bring so much love and light to that website and all those men. Go for it!
Yes go for it Mary-Louise 🙂 Might have a go myself too …
“When he arrived, the person I saw looked totally different to the ‘tick a box’ idea that I had created of what my ideal partner would look like.” How great that this didn’t stop you Jade from meeting your partner open hearted and how harming is it when we live with ideals and images and look for people to fit in it.
Jade I love how once you accepted your own beauty and completeness there was space to truly connect with another, and create a relationship together. There is much to learn from your experience of internet dating too, and how easy it was for you to feel where there was true connection because you were being yourself.
This is an incredibly inspiring read Jade. My experience on online dating has been the polar opposite as I was in a very different place to what you describe here when I last attempted it. Lately I have been wondering if I should give internet dating another try. Your blog allows me to connect to the fact that any dating decision starts with the relationship I have with myself so perhaps the first step is simply falling in love with me.
May I lovingly correct you Leonne – no perhaps – “the first step is simply falling in love with me.” You know this to be true.
I love that sentence – “the first step is simply falling in love with me.” So sweet and such profound truth too.
Jade what a superb read. I loved reading your blog, I smile and I laughed. Thank you for sharing how truly divine internet dating can be and for inspiring woman every where that there is another way.
I’d say not just women, it would be the same for men too – how awesome if everyone just went on internet dating like that – such awesomeness and huge potential for evolution too.
We you say your relationship has continued in the same way as your first date.. for 5 years, this feels very fresh and alive.
It is wonderful to read an account about going into relationship not based on meeting our ideals and needs rather on a foundation of self love and regard and where the quality that we bring to a relationship is of the upmost importance.
“I have come to realise there is never perfection in relationships – no partner can bring that – it is more about being and loving the real you that you are.”
This sentence turns the way of being with another on its head, and introduces the very needed truth we all need to hear and feel. That truly loving another can only be when we truly love and enjoy ourselves.
The perfection card we deal is in reality impossible. If we buy into an idea of perfectionism we are setting ourselves up to fail. Society is loaded with ideals and beliefs and always imposing on us how something should look like, it is only by ditching these ideas we can as you have so beautiful said Leigh ‘truly love and enjoy ourselves’.
There is no way we can enjoy ourselves if we are holding on to an image of how a relationship ought to be. As you say we are just setting ourselves up to fail. Letting go and accepting ourselves as we are lets us also accept others and in this there is the simplicity of true sharing and the love it engenders.
So true, self-acceptance in all aspects is so important and that makes it then so much easier to accept others without thinking we have to change them.
Indeed Karina if I develop more self-acceptance my tendency to want others to be a particular way can start to drop away.
Beautifully expressed Leigh – “That truly loving another can only be when we truly love and enjoy ourselves”. A simply gorgeous truth.
Indeed – awesome expression and a truly felt truth indeed.
Yes the relationships that I am most inspired by are the ones where the people have loved, honoured and adored themselves and from there come together- you then see them able to adore, inspire and evolve together. The relationships where people come together from need often show them playing their issues out on each other.
Jade, having witnessed your evolution through your connection to yourself and Universal Medicine, I can see the amazing growth and development into the beautiful woman you are. The courage and commitment to giving Internet dating another go after a few false starts, is inspiring as is your light hearted and sincere attitude to getting to know your new connection. As you have said ” If I had approached our date without openness or without the love and commitment to myself first, then I feel it may have gone the way of past relationships.”
This is a beautiful and honest sharing from your Mum of the changes she saw in you- love it.
So love and appreciate what you’ve shared here Mum, thank you.
“What I feel shifted was the quality in me.” I too have been internet dating lately and what you shared here is so true Jade. When we accept and love ourselves for who we are things do shift in our relationships with others because there is no needs involved. Relationships then become about learning and evolving in life together and thats a pretty cool way to be.
So true Kelly – ” Relationships then become about learning and evolving in life together” – that’s where it’s at and how awesome that all our interactions and relationships can be based on that.
Very cool and a very natural way to be in relationships with others indeed Kelly. If we bring all of us to relationships, and meet the other as an equal. it opens it up for an evolving life together.
Dear Jade,
I love how you describe here that what comes into our lives is governed by how we ourselves are in and with life.
Leigh, that is so true for every aspect of our lives.
Oh, what a beautiful blog! When there is love in a relationship it is perfect, right then and there. This perfection can then expand but it is already amazing, beautiful, great!
This perfection can then expand but it is already amazing, beautiful, great! Christoph, I can really feel the words you use here, they are absolutely expressed from a lived experience. Very beautiful. Thank-you.
Thank you for sharing this Jade. I love that when you expressed yourself in full and didn’t hold back on the dating profile that there was a great response. This goes to show that many people are looking for honesty and openness, and that looks (as you didn’t have a photo on there initially) don’t come close to the importance of these things.
Yes, a great point you make, Susie, “many people are looking for honesty and openness”, and not wanting to be misled by photographs which may be altered or not true photographs. A great idea of Jade to withhold the photograph in the beginning of her internet dating attempt. A person who is looking for a true relationship wants to know the truth about the other person and how they present themself as a man or woman.
So true Susie, really does give a hint to what people are asking for. One person being themselves seems to have a ripple affect for many others as it reminds them of what they have inside as well.
And if we really understand this – the fact that we are all longing to be our true selves in all our relationships – then it is so much simpler to step out of our costumery and be with others openly and honestly.
Great image Matilda – to “step out of our costumery” – awesome, no more roles to play …
True Susie. I’m amazed by this also. It blows my ideas about how people choose those they like out of the water!
Yes, the photographs can be deceiving and we need to go deeper and feel the person. I have seen many selfies where the man is adopting a ‘sexy’ look, a ‘friendly’ look, a ‘smart’ look, and in some cases you can feel the nerves, or the lack of attention to detail if they have photographed themselves with an untidy back ground. Putting ourselves out there in full can be challenging for many and even in the first meeting there can be a guarded dancing around each other. It is so simple to let go of all the anxieties and simply be ourselves, enjoy meeting people and seeing what happens.
What is so lovely about this blog is that although it is like one of those schmaltzy fairy-tale love stories this one is not only true but also immensely inspiring. Thank you for sharing Jade.
Ha ha love this Jonathan, yes it reads like that but is oh so based in truth. It simply began by choosing to love self first and choosing to be me in how I met my future partner. While there was no orchestra playing in the background, or huge bolts of lightning what was evident from the moment we met was the fact that we were both open to meeting someone as ourselves. Being honest, open and loving towards self is a beautiful foundation upon which to build any and all of our relationships.
Haha – well put Jonathan, and although it seems like that ‘schmaltzy fairy-tale love stories’ – it certainly does not feel like it – just truth expressed, revelations lived and bingo – 🙂
What a difference it makes when we don’t need anything from another and are willing to present ourselves honestly. It was lovely to read your story Jade, a confirmation for everyone to just be themselves.
“what was different was my commitment to me. ” this is the key. In the past I have lost myself in relationships by giving my power away, doing what the other person wanted to keep them happy, not rock the boat so to speak, but this served no one and made me miserable ( probably both of us) along the way. I had no commitment to myself at all, I didn’t care about myself. I know this is true of many relationships in this world, be it partner, family of friends, that we do things to please other people instead of first being committed to and honouring ourselves.
What I remember too reading this, Gyl, is the chaos of trying to double/triple guess what it was that people might want of me and what I could do to please them. Whilst I thought this was about taking care of others, a lot of the time it was about control – managing things the best way I could, but never stopping to consider that my relationship with myself was a foundation and integral part of everything I did.
When we give our power away we can resent the other person and ourselves, we can feel sad or angry, whatever it is we usually react to this situation and feel depleted on the inside and lose even more energy. Being committed to ourselves and honouring ourselves allows us to stay true and in our power whatever the response or reaction from another may be.
So true Elaine – when we give our power away we are giving up on ourselves which, of course, makes us feel ‘crappy’ but we don’t want to see our part in it, so in comes the blame game. No joy to be found here.
I am so thankful and truly appreciate being shown through the work of Serge Benhayon that there is another way.
” I was already amazing and whatever the outcome was, this would never change.” this is HUGE to read, how many people spend their lives valuing their worth on what other people think of them – instead of the freedom of feeling they are already amazing and complete no matter whether a person likes them or not.
Yes great point Gyl. Without this loving foundation with ourselves first and foremost our relationships can never be truly fulfilling.
Well said Gyl. It is Huge to read. Usually people and society are not geared this way. What an awesome change.
absolutely Gyl the greatest gift we can get is the gift of knowing ourselves.
Very powerfully expressed Gyl and I wholeheartedly agree – it is HUGE to read and needs to be thoroughly digested.
Such freedom when we reach that realisation as truth within ourselves – “… feeling they are already amazing and complete no matter whether a person likes them or not.”
This sentence stood out for me as well. In the past I was always looking for recognition, which was very exhausting. To know deep inside myself, that I’m already complete, is so liberating.
You know what- I have always been put off the idea of internet dating as I thought or had the belief that it was only for those that couldn’t meet anyone, so to speak, totally arrogant and judgemental I know. But the fact is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with internet dating at all. Something I will try when the time feels right for me.
I too thought Internet Dating is something for ‘looser’ who have failed in relationships. But frankly speaking if you have a commitment to truth, the first person you meet on those platforms is yourself. Being very open and honest with who you are when you present yourself in a profile is revealing. And all the expectations you carry get exposed. After all there are people on those online platforms who want the same, but at the end what they get is what they put out.
well said Sonja: “the first person you meet is yourself” that is a truly hot date!
It is true that many people do have difficulty in finding and meeting others and it seems internet dating provides a great service here. I know at least 6 people who have found their life partners on internet dating and it is certainly something I would do if I was single and ready to have a relationship.
Oh yes Gyl that is a great point you make. Reading your comment I realised I had that idea as well about internet dating as something as the last way to go to when the situation was very desperate. How untrue! Our lives are changing and computers and internet are playing a bigger role in it, like it or not. Internet dating offers a beautiful way for people to meet and have connections that would maybe not be possible if the internet was not there.
I have also had a judgement about internet dating and have seen it as a bit dodgy to meet people in that way, but from what I have read it can be a positive experience. Maybe the success is to be yourself instead of pretending to be someone else, and at least then you are starting out on a more honest footing.
“Connecting to another as an equal” how gorgeous is that. Just add the sparkle of playfulness, light, funny and a smile from deep within – I’d be wanting to connect and exchange conversation with this person too. Thank you Jade it just goes to show very clearly if we make a commitment to ourselves first all relationships will take on a whole new meaning.
It’s beautiful to read about the transformation within yourself Jade and how this transforms your approach to relationships. Universal Medicine has inspired me to also to change the way I approach life and everything in it; starting with the most important aspect, which is to develop my relationship with me first.
Which makes you a very eligible partner should you so choose. Very much so.
“I felt a change in myself as I took more time to connect to the true me” Isn’t it amazing that we are sold, all these ideals and beliefs about everything and anything outside of us that will help us find ourselves. Be it ‘finding yourself’ up a mountain, chanting in a cave, on a ten day silent retreat, through a self help book, the latest diet, re-birthing, whatever the fad. When all along, all we have to do is stop, connect to ourselves and listen to our bodies. Everything that we have ever wanted is already inside us, fully complete.
“I began to consider that perhaps I was worth loving and that primarily, love began with me.” isn’t this the most simple, profound truth.
It is indeed Gyl. We incessantly search the world, in all its ideals, for someone to love us the way we want to be loved. Yet it is when we consider that this ‘someone’ is ourselves and the Love we seek is within, that self-empowerment begins and our path true Love unfolds.
That’s the bottom line right there Gyl – how different our relationships would be if we all started from love for ourselves instead of needing others to bring us love.
So true and that need brings anything but what we desire…
No matter what types of relationships we have or not all are founded on the quality of our relationship with ourselves. If we ever feel a lacking or a need for others we’ve set up a world that says you have to forget yourself and try more to attract others or be liked by other people. But this takes us away from ourselves even more. If we saw relationship building as an inside job first that changes the whole game that has been constructed around dating and friendships and family and any relationship we have with others.
‘If we saw relationship building as an inside job first that changes the whole game that has been constructed around dating and friendships and family and any relationship we have with others.’ Yes Leigh it is the quality of the relationship that we build with ourselves that is key and for me focusing on this has taken the pressure off how I am in other relationships and allowed them to blossom.
Love what you’ve shared here Leigh ‘If we saw relationship building as an inside job first that changes the whole game that has been constructed around dating and friendships and family and any relationship we have with others.’ – how true this is and brilliant in the fact that it puts the responsibility back onto us, indeed it all begins within.
I know that many people have mixed feelings about Internet dating. Some reject it outright because they have a fixed idea of how they want to meet a partner, but I think it’s fabulous. It wasn’t around in my younger years, but I would definitely give it a go if I was single and wanted to meet someone.
Jade I so enjoyed reading your blog about how you returned to love and through that found a truly loving partner.
Love to read this today Jade, and perfect timing as I have been thinking about internet dating, which I have never tried, but as yet have not made a start. Perhaps I also have to look at any beliefs and ideals around internet dating and most of all putting myself out there which I do not do. And as I write, what comes up is, I have no time for a relationship…… or how would I fit a relationship into my busy life….. mmm, some avoidance perhaps me thinks, but something for me to ponder on longer today. Thank you so much for sharing your experience Jade, very inspiring.
There is always room for more love in our life… the space opens up 🙂
So true Nicola – it is totally magic how that space opens itself in all areas of life, when we are connected and are loving to ourselves.
Beautiful Jacmcfadden04, it is amazing when we stop, truly reflect and feel we see how it all comes back to our choices and whether or not we presenting the true us or a picture we feel someone else might find appealing. So glad you are considering putting yourself out there, I look forward to reading and hearing more as you explore the amazing potential that is internet dating!
Yes, Jade: I fully concur what you write of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon – the students of these Ancient Wisdom teachings are a living testimony to the truth of this, as is your own gorgeous photograph and the before and after photographs of many students on this link – http://www.universalmedicine.net/before–after.html
“What Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon have shared in their presentations has shown me another way of life, a way that is about love; this love is within us all equally and it begins with loving ourselves first. From here we can build the foundations of developing true relationships with others – not in perfection, but in truth”.
Gorgeous Jade. It just goes to show that it is the way that you approach something that matters. You can bring the true you to anything and have a great experience, no matter what the end result is. I love how you claimed yourself in your profile without feeling you needed to attract anyone. a great story.
“I love how you claimed yourself in your profile without feeling you needed to attract anyone” – hmm yes that’s exactly the crux Rebecca isn’t it – the intention we have about internet dating….because we get back what either fills us up in and confirms the falsity, or instead confirms the love we already live and claim to make internet dating less of a desperate feat and more of the fun joy that it deserves!
Yeah I liked that too Rebecca. You can go in with thinking about how you need to present yourself but this changed that and was a fresh way of looking at internet dating.
I so agree – a great and new and refreshing way to look at internet dating indeed.
This brought a chuckle and smile to my face – how often do we get hooked into a picture of what we want about something, a situation or person to be like, only to be disappointed by our own expectations, ideals and beliefs, as the image can never be matched up to and we go off seeking more. How exhausting is this?
“When he arrived, the person I saw looked totally different to the ‘tick a box’ idea that I had created of what my ideal partner would look like”.
Very true Stephanie, and what might we be missing out on when our vision is filtered by on our preconceived images, ideals and beliefs? There is so much available to us when our eyes are willing to see and our hearts are open to feel.
Yeah great point Victoria, I loved how Jade shared that when he smiled, that melted her. If she stuck to the pictures she wouldn’t have been able to see this.
Exactly. When the body says yes, but the mind says no – I have found there is only one answer – Yes!
Yes it made me smile too Stephanie, and what occurred to me is how often we by pass potential partners because of how they look and don’t fit into those ideals and beliefs.
Stephanie your comment caused me to reflect on the fact that our images about life, not only come from the outside but we falsely rely on the outside to provide the product that we so desire (whatever that may be). The reason why our ‘product’ rarely, if ever, matches our description is because it is us that actually puts it on the conveyor belt and it is made from our wanting and our needing rather than our knowing and being. When we return to the factory of Me and focus on the quality on the factory floor then all of our products are tailor made to our liking because we are the ones who make the products of our life and we are ensuring the quality of everything in our lives by ensuring the quality of us.. If we are not on the factory floor doing quality control then the products that are manufactured are going to be sub standard and faulty. Keep it as close to home as possible and the rest takes care of itself.
I agree Stephanie, but I wonder how often what we truly need is right there and we don’t see it because it doesn’t look like what we want.
Oh, this is so true Rebecca, not truly seeing the person because of all those boxes they may not tick, so then missing the opportunity to meet another amazing person. Reminds me of the actor Dustin Hoffman, when he expressed in an interview about the making of the film, Tootsie, how he realised he had missed out on meeting some amazing women through his life because of the belief that you only date good looking women.
There is harmony and flow to enjoy when reading this Jade – Your self loving choices reveal how uncomplicated things can be and from these small actions a whole different quality begins to emerge from within to be lived in daily life.
” I began to make more loving choices like taking more care in the way I would dress myself, taking time to treat myself with gentleness and not rushing through my day, listening to my body and going to bed when I felt tired. I began to express who I really was – a beautiful, amazing, powerful and worthwhile woman – a woman who was already everything and not someone needing another to fulfil them”.
What a beautiful sharing Jade. It is absolutely also my experience that how I am in looking for a partner has a huge impact on which (potential) partners are coming my way. Knowing this is very empowering as it gives us the control back into our own hands as it is about how we are with ourselves that will eventually lead to what partner we will have.
Yes Lieke, there are many factors at play when it comes to dating. What Jade has offered takes a number of them off the table, allowing a simplicity in the approach. To me this opens the door to the potential for a successful meeting… if we leave all that other stuff in the way, there is a great deal more to break down and get through before we might be willing to accept or move forward with someone.
Yes beautifully expressed Lieke and my experience exactly. I have also begun to see how applicable this is in all our relationships – that once we let go of our ideals, perceptions and mental pictures of how we think things or people should be our experience shifts and we can begin to develop true relationships. It all begins with how we are within ourselves.
Well spotted Lieke – “… how we are with ourselves that will eventually lead to what partner we will have.” Awesome statement and one to truly remember; so the more we love our selves first the more a loving partner can then reflect exactly where we are at …
I agree Lieke – the how and especially the why am i looking for a partner is really important. Do I need somebody to fulfill my needs or am I looking for somebody, to reflect each others love.
Jade – why an inspiring blog – simply presenting the true basis for all true relationships is being love with ourselves first and foremost and then we are able to share equally with another.
“I felt empowered as I knew that love began with me and meeting a partner was not about my becoming complete, but about connecting to another as an equal. It was from this new awareness I committed to trying Internet dating again”.
Jade, this is a gorgeous testimony on the power of love, the power of loving ourselves for who we innately are. From there everything else flows. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Beautiful Robyn – the power of loving ourselves is a great power indeed.
A beautiful connection Jade. From the start you were both able to feel the willingness to meet each other as equals and to just be who you are. A foundation for a true relationship.
To meet each other as equals – is really the key. Great for pointing it out once more, thank you.
This is beautiful and inspiring to read, It is great to read your experience, and how you in knowing you already enough and did not need anyone, could present who you really are without any reservations. Truly beautiful.
It is amazing how when we stop looking for something outside of ourselves to complete us and just be our true self… the magic that happens.
Beautifully said Steve. Nothing and no-one is ever going to be able to do that for us. The magic is in the discovering of who we truly are, step by step, and all that this comes with.
That is very true Steve, there is always magic waiting to happen – we just stop it with all our protections, ideals, desires, control and preconceived ideas of how things should be.
It’s fascinating how much we can get in our own way.
I agree Nicola- these hurts, protections and ideals etc actually stop us from really enjoying each other.
So true Nicola and Kristy, crazy that we allow such beliefs from truly allowing us to connect, enjoy and love one another and truly feeling, seeing and knowing the magic of life.
So true Steve and so applicable in all relationships and aspects of life. The moment we stop looking outside of ourselves and bring it back to the fact we can truly only be responsible for our own choices in life, a huge shift occurs and as you say magic happens.
Everything that comes to us is a reflection of how we are within ourselves. If we are connected and content just being ourselves the along someone will come who will be content with our true self too. Its a very simple science .. albeit totally magical.
When we are in true connection with ourselves we still live in the world (in fact more so than ever) and at times have weird and not so wonderful things happen, however how we respond to and experience these situations is very different.
This is a really big one for women in particular- the ideals and pictures we have of how we need to be and learning to let go of that.
It really is that simple yet many of us make it so complicated. We already are and have everything we need. Our cup is full – it is realising that that seems to be the hard part. And as Nicola shares it is our “protections, ideals, desires, control and preconceived ideas of how things should be” that add complication and make us feel like our cup is empty and that it needs filling. No one can fill it but ourselves.
Very true Nikki, and it is a beautiful magical cup for the more we drink from it the more it keeps on expanding.
Just magic 🙂
Yes Steve, the search outside of us doesn’t make sense. Once we stop this, as you say, life starts to blossom.
What a beautiful sharing Jade. What you write shows that it is more about how we are when we enter internet dating, not the service itself. I particularly liked the way you presented your profile from a place of already loving you and appreciating your own amazingness. Your shared your true qualities not just simply focussed on the what you were looking for in an ideal partner.
Absolutely and well said Michelle.
Well said Kehinde. “It is more about how we are when we enter internet dating, not the service itself.” I tried internet dating a few years ago and it was not something I enjoyed. But I know that was because of me and how I was not because of the service.
I love this Kehinde how you have underscored this once more: “…the way you presented your profile from a place of already loving you and appreciating your own amazingness.” This is so awesome and a very important point to remember to always bring with us no matter what the situation.
Yes so true Karina and Kehinde, and a beautiful reminder to always bring ourselves no matter the situation. It all begins with us choosing to love and be who we are.
I agree Kehinde, if we are loving ourselves in whatever we are doing then what returns to us can’t be less than the love we are with ourselves.
Beautiful sharing Jade, you have put the real you out there on that internet dating site because
“knowing that a partner would be an awesome addition to my life but not needed to fulfill me. I knew whatever happened I would be true to myself” Awesome way to date and so different from dating from a neediness where we have the tendency to describe ourselves in a way that would attract the right person to fulfil our need instead.
Yes Nico, the relationship we’re having with ourselves, at its most basic level as an example here, either – open/honest or closed/protected, is most definitely what can then be seen and felt through profiles in how they’re written.
Yes well expressed – presenting what we seek versus presenting what we bring – it would make an awesome change for anyone, addressing all interactions with others from this lived perspective.
Hi Jade, thanks for sharing your internet dating experience. I have tried it a few times and I have been disapointed because I have had images of how the guy should look or be and I can see how this is so limiting as in reality, no one can actually tick all the boxes. I love how you share to just work on you as really, that is all that one can do as again its just an illusion to even consider that we can control another or change them.
So true Rosie, I’m feeling the difference of this in all my relationships of late, letting go of the pictures of how I think I should be with others and how they should be with me and actually just connecting. It’s shifting relationships that have felt stuck and allowing for true connection to occur. When we live with ideals and beliefs we also live with judgement and expectation, creating a space where everyone feels they have to prove themselves or compete rather than just being allowed to simply be. The more we release these ideas the more life has an opportunity to flow and true intimacy to develop.
Thank you Jade – you have given me a booster shot of inspiration to work on “letting go of the pictures of how I think I should be with others and how they should be with me and actually just connecting”
So true Jade – “When we live with ideals and beliefs we also live with judgement and expectation” – and no magic can happen when this is the case, no matter what relationship or interaction we have with others. It stops the flow and becomes stilted and harsh.
Definitely agree – we cannot change anyone and changing ourselves alone can throw up enough resistance and obstacles as it is; so why sidetrack onto seemingly safer ground, one that is actually very slippery and teeming with distractions and red herrings.
So true Gabriele – we do have enough on our plates to deal with our own resistance and obstacles – sometimes quite hidden and such a surprise when they raise their heads in the most unexpected places.
Thank you for sharing this Rosie. It just gave me a huge hint into how I was the same. Wanting them to look a certain way mainly…
“its just an illusion to even consider that we can control another or change them.” well said.
Thanks for your honesty Rosie, I relate to that and I think many can. Meeting another without expectations opens up a world of possibilities in which we can meet others openly and intimately.
So true Katinka for all of our relationships, when we have expectations of how the other needs to be we actually miss out on the joy and all that is there to be enjoyed.
I agree Rosie. I find it interesting how so many of us are so similar, choosing to hold this impossible wish list that seems to set us up to fail or to never allowing a true relationship to develop in the first place. This impossible wish list is like a blind fold we put over our eyes to block our other senses from truly communicating to us and from allowing us to trust and be open.
When we can truly meet someone with love letting go of all pictures or images of what they should be, it opens up the possibility for magic to happen.
And in this we miss out on the riches reflected to us through another.
I love this comment Kylie. A level of depth we have the opportunity to feel that is often over ridden in the quest to look right, say the right things and fit into each others ideals and beliefs.
We’ve simply lost the art of connection. We size people up with our pictures which are all outer details and from the surface of life, but we don’t connect to the inner being, the intangible part of the person that could not be described with any image, as its something we feel. This is where true connection happens and as Jade describes, it begins with us acknowledging and loving the inner being of ourselves first. Once we have a true connection with ourselves we can offer that true connection with others.
Love this Melinda – “Once we have a true connection with ourselves we can offer that true connection with others.”
Loved this line too Karina, and it’s beautiful as it is something we can bring to all aspects of our lives – simply living the true authentic us with all.
You bring another approach entirely to how Internet dating can work (and in fact dating in general). Whether on the computer on meeting someone through other means the bottom line always comes back to never holding back an ounce of who we truly are the the love and beauty we are innately inside. This after all is what we ‘fall in love’ with
So true Joshua
Indeed Joshua we can fall in love with the potential of another, which they may choose to live or not or we can fall in love with our own ideal or projection of what we want to see depending on whether we are living the fullness of who we are or from our own need and emptiness.
If we make it about love, then love is all we make.
Love it Liane, “If we make it about love, then love is all we make.” When I understood that I am love and that we all are love I let go of the images and ideals I had about what love was and all became very simple and loving. Love became the way to live and not something special reserved for some moments and only some people. I stopped to expect that love was something to achieve and that it had to give me something and embraced me being love and living this on a daily basis.
Inspiring, Liane and Rachel. Making love then is our purpose and what we all crave because it is the only thing that truly confirms who we are. We are already aligned and made of love, hence our surrender when it is truly felt.
Then our relationships simply become about a union and confirmation of all we are. A glorious way to be !
Love this Johanna ‘Then our relationships simply become about a union and confirmation of all we are. A glorious way to be !’ – how beautifully simple this is as there is no need to try to be something, it is simply a matter of being and living who we are.
I love that – “If we make it about love, then love is all we make” – I am printing it out and putting it on the fridge Liane. I might even steal it for my Tinder profile hehe.
This is funny Jeannette! Definitely worth making into a fridge magnet.
It can’t be said any simpler than that! A beautiful truth.
Beautifull
Oh what a gem – something to take home with me, thank you Liane!
Love this Liane – such a beautiful and simple truth.
I love this to Liane, If we make it about love, then love is all we make. I’m sticking this one up for sure.
So simple but true!
“Unlike before, where I focused on my ideal partner and creating a profile that would attract the right guy, this time I wrote about the true me.”
And this is how gorgeously simple it can be. Express the truth of who you are with no holding back and magnetic pull will do the rest. Knowing this simple truth can revolutionise dating and also the quality of all relationships we have with all others: friends, colleagues, family etc. You are definitely onto something here Jade and I loved reading about your match made in Heaven, thankyou.
Awesome thank you Lianne, it definitely made a difference in my life and feels like something so many are beginning to realise. It’s not about painting a picture of how you want people to see you, it is simply just presenting who you truly are and living and loving that in the world.
Beautiful Jade: “It’s not about painting a picture of how you want people to see you, it is simply just presenting who you truly are and living and loving that in the world.” You make it so very simple.
Jade after reading your comment, your blog and all the comments it’s inspired, it makes no sense to not present who we are in the world.
A while back I wasn’t as connected with myself as I am so I thought I was all the bad tempered emotional stuff I’d let in, so it made sense to me to want to hide. But now I’m discovering I’m not any of that yucky stuff and there’s no need to hide – just be responsible for not choosing to be run by what’s not me.
That’s beautiful Jade, it makes so much sense that there will be the possibility for a true connection when you choose to show the true you, not the beautifully crafted picture. As we can never live up to that, because its not us.
I really liked this too Liane, “Unlike before, where I focused on my ideal partner and creating a profile that would attract the right guy, this time I wrote about the true me.” This feels like a lovely way to be – nothing to hide, nothing to try and be, just simply saying this is me, i can feel then that if we are open and honest with people then there needs to be no game playing in relationships, there is no image/picture to keep up, very gorgeous.
How much simpler and more graceful to have a partner who is into us, and not some fantasy ideal that we think we have to be.
It’s a WOW factor! And a totally amazing feeling to be utterly adored for all you are.
You can say that again!
Yeah that would be exhausting because you would be constantly trying to portray or live up to something.
True Rachel. And how simple to be into ourselves – partner or no partner.
Yes Rachel, we will surely feel more at ease with ourselves if we have presented a truthful profile of ourselves and that has attracted attention. There is then no tension that we have to live up to an image we have created, because instead we are just the real deal and know that that deal was of interest to another, not some package we create to hook someone else in.
So true Rachel, it takes all that trying out of being something that someone else might desire, what a huge relief!
“Express the truth of who you are with no holding back and magnetic pull will do the rest.” Love it and this can be applied to all – I am about to write my resume and this is a great point for me to read. thank you.
What a great point of inspiration for a resume 😉 There is such an amazing opportunity to simply be all of us and not hold back. it shows that there is such potential for expressing truth in all areas of our lives.
It’s great that you mention ‘magnetic pull’ here Liane, and you are right this can and will revolutionise dating provided we are connected with ourselves first.
Beautifull Liane, also what I got was Jade had no outcome when doing this, it wasn’t coming from a need just let’s be all of me and open to love.
Absolutely Liane – this is another example of how honesty and simplicity go hand in hand to present something genuine. Being ourselves from the word go sets a foundation for the future. And with that comes the honesty of who we have always been rather than putting on an act only to have to change it all later on. At the end of the day if we are full in ourselves and we share this fulness with others, then we have no expectation in them liking us or not, but if it does work out, then they have the real deal from the word go, no games are played. What a gift in a relationship that is!
Amazingly sweet blog.
You raise a valid point that of online presence is often a mask to cast our ideal image to the world. However the problem with this is that we will never attract real people as we aren’t being real with ourselves first. It not all doom and gloom if we do do the latter because we can work through the mask if everyone is willing to take them off.
Very true Luke, and at the same time if we are really honest, we wear that mask in life as well (or even a series of masks for different occasions). We think these protect us from getting hurt, and project out what we want to get back… but all it does is to stop everyone from experiencing our innate gorgeousness. In the attempt at trying to protect ourselves in some way, we cut ourselves off.
And we have such innate gorgeousness – it is what we miss the most about ourselves.
Yes so true Sarah. So really there is no good reason to hide ourselves from ourselves or others. Giving myself permission to feel this everyday, even for a few moments when out and about, is gorgeous. Realising it’s not so scary being this gorgeous in the world.
So true Luke, letting go of our masks and actually choosing to show who we are to the world can sometimes feel such a huge leap of faith, yet if you love who you are first the latter becomes easier and what unfolds is an opportunity to truly meet people for who they are.
So true Jade, “… if you love who you are first the latter becomes easier and what unfolds is an opportunity to truly meet people for who they are”.
Well said Jade, first we connect to who we are and then we can meet others on a much more true basis.
yes, it will be very different when we choose to show our true selves, and not portray the false image we would like people to see, that traps us in this way from the word go. Although as you say there is always an opportunity to raise the mask and make a change, it is only easier when we don’t first build an image that needs to be broken out of.
Haha so true Luke- when we try to present a certain face to the world- we get false faces back.
Absolutely Luke, “being real” just like true love, which holds us in the most exquisite tender truth of who we are, brings with it a connection that confirms how can we expect another’s love when we hold that love for ourselves first! Also if we lie to get the partner we want then is this not a form of on-line abuse.
Jade this is a great story to share with everyone who is wanting to meet people. I love how you explain that focussing on the real you instead of trying to attract the “ideal box ticker” allowed him to feel who you were from the get go. Putting the real you out there and letting go of any mind pictures of how he should look or what boxes he should tick seems to have allowed this relationship to constellate. It makes the internet seem a less daunting forum to meet people.
It seems so simple and makes so much sense to take the real me to every date or contact we have and yet so many pictures can get in the way and complicate the simple process of meeting and connecting with another.
Exactly Monika – to take the real you to each interaction. To live with this freedom of not trying to fit into others’ ideals is liberating indeed. The anxiety we can hold around what people think of us or being something we think they want is exhausting. Imagine if we are all doing this, one person’s anxiety feeding of another then noone is getting anywhere. Being ourselves, in true confidence is the only way to be.
Absolutely Monika. The pictures we carry around interfere with the opportunities before us to deepen and evolve.
I agree Kylie, with these pictures we hold we can expect another or a relationship to be a certain way and when we let go of them it opens up a new level of understanding of what we have been holding on to and where we need to let go and let others in.
I agree Monika – it seems so simple and makes so much sense, so why is it that we complicate it? I’d say these patterns are so ingrained because we have been running a lie our whole life, most of us have not had true role models who reflected that we are enough just the way we are. So we have created picutres of how we should be or how we wanted others to be rather than just letting them and ourselves be who we are.
I know that too Monika,the fact that my body knows the truth and from that I simply know how to be in any relationship. But as soon as I let my mind get involved I can be trapped with the images that are there, ready to make me stray away from that inner connection and to walk away from my truth, ending up in complexities and in that no true meeting of one another at all leaving both in a lesser state that that we truly are.
Absolutely Jean, letting go of the belief that we have to look a certain way or that our partner has to meet a set criteria before we even let them in the door sets us up. Choosing to love you first, opening the door to meeting another whatever the outcome is a beautiful and refreshing way to be and shifts the focus from being about filling a need to actually truly connecting to another as who you are.
When we understand it like this Jade, we can see how absolutely refreshing it is.
True Fiona, and these beliefs can get in the way of us finding a true potential. We often miss a true potential with another because they do not fit the pictures we have been sold. Be open to what presents and you will be amazed at what is underneath.
And also, is it possible that when we put out a ticking the boxes kind of profile that aims at hooking the “right’ guy, we actually get that exact same attitude reflected back, i.e. someone who has written a profile that ticks all the boxes and aims for a preconceived fantasy image? In this case, who is actually meeting whom? Two people or two images?
To the point Gabriele – who is actually meeting whom? It’s a game through and through, and the same goes for real life dates if we hold back who we truly are.
Great point Gabriele, depending on how honest each person is, is it two people, two images or two expectations meeting?
Gabriele what a great comment! Whenever I put up a checklist for what I’m looking for I set myself up for great insecurity – me not meeting his checklist!!! But when I’m open with people this checklist is non-existent and a relationship can develop on appreciation.
Inspired to ask myself where else do I set up a checklist and suffer the insecurities resulting from it? Fitting job descriptions – my image of what a perfect worker looks like (this is definitely one I can get insecure about and super critical with), of what a friend is, what a parent should be like, what a woman is… it is a very long list of checklists!!!
Being new to dating someone after being very guarded my whole life I can relate to this checklist and even when someone comes along who meets the supposed checklist (which is false anyway- the checklist that is) it can be confronting to really being open to letting them in. I didn’t realise how much my checklist was about being single. I thought I was open to dating but I was more open to the idea of it and no so much to what that actually meant. I had so many ‘Hollywood’ style pictures about what a relationship is and these are far from reality.
Great point Gabriele- too often in life it is our images meeting each other, what we put out and what we want to see, rather than truly seeing.
Absolutely Jean, and in this case because Jade didn’t hold back on who she is on the dating profile, there will be no surprises or false expectations that men would have of her which could potentially bring up problems if they met and in a relationship.
So important Jean to first expose to ourselves that we have an image of how our “ideal man” should look. then let go of it. For if we do not we may miss the man that is perfectly constellated for us . I know this has happened to me in the past
Absolutely Mary-Louise, funny how the very opposite of what we were ‘expecting’ is what can be true, and with all those images in the way we cannot see this. I’m learning to trust, see, feel the potential and for what it is too, and for however long it (a transpiring relationship) may last – 6 weeks, 6 years, a lifetime.
Yes having expectations of any kind, be they of the other person or the nature of the relationship itself all get in the way of us being naturally who we are in the moment, that is expressing the true love that we are.
Yes, letting go of any images and feeling the energy, this is how I met my partner. We felt each other’s energy first and from there continued with an internet based (long distant) relationship which called for more feeling each other energetically as there could be no physical distractions. I also entered this relationship from a place of loving myself first. This has made all the difference from my past experiences.
I agree Jean. And i love how light Jade is in the writing. It makes everything about online dating feel simple and fun. As it ought to be.
Very true Rachel – simple and fun. I know in the past I have seen it as very serious and even suspect business.
What a way to start online dating! Fearful, suspicious and far too serious…
Yes, as it ought to be and nothing is stopping it from being simple and fun. If I were to date online again I feel it’s got great potential for being simple and fun. But if I were to put any neediness or insecurities out there that’s when complications can present themselves. But I don’t have to accept them. I can simply come back to me and begin again.
So true Rachel- I also enjoyed Jade’s approach and not overthinking things etc but just allowing things to unfold and trusting what she felt.
Absolutely Jean. I love this too and how unimposing and freeing for those who end up going on a date with Jade, as the date and the other person will not be laced with an ideal picture or a box to fit into. They can just be themself as she is choosing to be herself.
Thanks Johanna08smith for bringing this up as when we have pictures of any kind it colours what’s right in front of us so that we can’t see and feel the truth of exactly what’s there.
I agree, when we look for a friend or partner from the tick box and expectations, they can feel it – I know I have when guys have approached me this way – the feeling that there is something to live up to or something you need to fit for them to like you, which can be an all to easy trap to fall into. By just being yourself, they can just be them and from there you can feel if something is going to work out.
Yeah true Jean and when you go with pictures of how you want them to be you also go with pictures of how you should be and you end up holding yourself and them to this.
This seems like the most simple of things – let go of pictures about what or who a man should be. Yet this is something I have struggled with and I’m sure I’m not the only single woman. Letting go of the “ideal box ticker” has been hard though I know that while I hold on to a picture I am not being open to a relationship. The boxes I want ticked are getting less and less yet they still exist. It is a work in progress…
Yes, Jean, that is a great point. On the internet you will meet a lot of people you wouldn’t meet otherwise. If you only accept the type of person you would meet normally, there may be little point in meeting lots of people who are of no interest anyway. Jade did an amazing job by honouring how she felt rather than following what her eyes or her mind might say.
So brilliant what you say Jean, such great advice for anyone looking for a partner – “focussing on the real you instead of trying to attract the “ideal box ticker” , – this definitely works, i’ve been doing this and have got over my ‘phobia’ of internet dating, in other words, starting to deal with my ‘ideals’ about partners to make the internet dating more light and fun. So often we can lose ourselves or get completely disillusioned and daunted by internet dating [or rather, daunted by all the images from everyone that blare out from the profiles, and our own too], and yet, focusing on oneself and being steady in this to constellate a potential match means there’s been no compromise on what is held dear and true, which is – being real. Being real, or yourself is what makes the relationship long lasting. Anything less isn’t worth it. Next! Keep putting your (true) self out there indeed!
I feel this too Jean, as in the distant past I had given internet dating a go too, and stopped it pretty quick again as well. Reading Jade’s blog – your are right, it makes internet dating a bit less daunting.
Good point Jean and it has reminded me that not only do we have a ‘tick box list’ on what kind of partner we want to have but we also ‘tick box list’ on ourselves in the sense that we decide what kind of person we should be to be the most attractive to others and try to be that rather than just be ourselves. Is it no wonder that most relationships struggle after the honeymoon phase is over when we put out this ‘best managed version’ of ourselves at the beginning and inevitably the ‘real us’ slips out as time goes on. Surely it makes more sense just to be our true selves from the get go?
Very true Jean. I have always found internet dating terrifying and I have never put myself all the way out there. Jade’s blog inspires me to give this a go in a whole new way.
I agree Jean, this blog does make the internet seem a less daunting place of meeting people.
It is a massive shift in consciousness Jean I agree, from looking for the ideal partner to just sharing who you really are. What a game changer that is and Jade’s story just goes to prove that when we nurture ourselves and share ourselves honestly, the quality of all our relationships benefit.
Rowena I love how simply you put this ‘from looking for the ideal partner to just sharing who you really are.’ One comes loaded with ideals, expectations, inherent disappointment and neediness whereas the other is accepting of oneself, other and life. So very refreshing.
It is not that acceptance means one isn’t discerning, quite the reverse. One can discern with far greater clarity when one accepts a situation for the truth that it presents, rather than when one is being driven from a need that one hasn’t taken responsibility for addressing. I know I’ve certainly entered into relationships in which I have over looked things in exchange for getting what I thought constituted loving behaviour when actually it was far from love.
I agree Jean, on the internet or in real life, being able to put expectations and box ticking to one side, along with a need to be liked and your offering people the opportunity to be themselves, the foundation for an awesome relationship.
Yes this is a brilliant example for people wanting to meet others. Simply because it is so ‘normal’ to come across as ‘perfect’ on the first date and do everything right, it also makes us think we can rightfully nitpick the person we are meeting and almost scan them for flaws as if it is one big game. But what a difference it makes to simply come as who we are, and all that we are – and keep it black and white from the word go. It gives the other person the opportunity to do the same – we are all reflecting to each other. And yes, to live in this way makes meeting new people much more relaxed and simple.
I agree Jean, taking all the images or particular outcomes that we want in a partner and focusing on bringing the fullness of who we are to another is ground breaking. Whilst we might have certain qualities such as integrity or playfulness that we make a standard for our relationship, the package might look like anything.
I agree Jean, keeping it simple and putting oneself out there without any ideas of what other people want is key to starting a relationship off on the right footing – lets face it the tick boxing ideals never work in the long run, and only make things complicated.
With what you and Jade have shared it is a bit silly not to be the real you – so the question is why most of us are choosing not to be the real you and chose instead to tick the “ideal box ticker”. It seems for me now so more exhausting to do so.
Yes, there are so many pictures we create of the ideal person, which is shown to not be working.. So it is great to get this reflection and see that there is more to us and others. And can see how much easier it will be to connect with others without any ideals of how I should be.. what a freedom from our self constructed fortress that will be.
I agree Jean, it cuts through all the games that people often play and shows that when you just allow yourself to be and accept others as they are- this is where true connection and beauty lies.
What I notice from reading your blog Jade, is how a subtle shift in how we see ourselves, our level of self worth and where we get that from, makes a world of difference in reality. Get ready for a truth bomb, Internet dating sites!
Love this Suzanne, and how true it is. I have seen again lately how shifting our sense of how we see ourselves has a huge impact as I have found myself letting go even more of ideals, beliefs and expectations I hold in my relationships with others, but also with myself. Really bringing it back to connection being in the moment and being your self allows for true intimacy to occur as there is no judgement, it is simply two people meeting and being who they are. There is such freedom in that.
This is a great revelation Jade – that we can actually just be in the moment and observe and accept and make it all about connection in that moment without any preconceived ideas or thoughts based on past history or hurts or experiences. It makes my mind boggle to think about how much all our relationships and thus human interactions and affairs would change if we even half committed to this.
A mind boggling call indeed Andrew Mooney. We have all created behaviours based on our hurts, and tainted with our past experiences and they become so familiar to us that we start to know ourselves more by these behaviours than our true and innate quality. Ironically in this we create the ultimate hurt, the fact we have separated from our most natural way.
Absolutely Abby… separating from the love we innately are hurts us more than anything another can do or say to us.
We have indeed Abby – and a lot of these hurts stem from our choice to react to things. Hurts are bathed in reaction rather than us being open to observe. And as you say – when we carry hurts, we are not our natural self – we come with layers of protection that are not true.
Yes, this potential is huge and great fun! Sharing a connection with people in supermarket queues, with colleagues, just walking along just makes my day. Throwing judgement of myself and of others out the window is so refreshing as we get to see ourselves and who everyone is for who they are, amazing people. I’m having a ball doing this with family members who I once still held to ransom for old hurts (yikes!) and so appreciating how gorgeous they are. Love feeling them enjoying themselves.
The freedom and space we are offered to just be when we choose to live in the moment without preconceived ideas or thoughts is without limits. In this space, there is nothing standing in our way to connect deeper and deeper to the stillness and love we so naturally carry within.
Wow that would definitely be a world that would be much more harmonious, playful and healthy. Just how Jade has shared it has turned her life around and that coming to every situation from that connection within and accepting that this is everything that you will ever need then the world is our oyster.
Absolutely Andrew and it reveals to me just how restricted our relationships are if we are not doing just that – being in the moment, connecting! Loving and appreciating the truth of who we are is the key. We are already all we can ever be and have chosen not to fully feel and appreciate this; hence the messes we have made as human beings!
Yes Andrew well observed. Not being connected in the moment and open to allow a relationship or meeting to unfold naturally is often difficult. We often self sabotage, in our heads, the future, past or comparing and not actually with ourselves or the person at all. The beauty of what Jade shares is her commitment to herself , her sense of self worth which did not depend on external factors or the new man in her life. She knew she was love already and brought true self to the relationship.
So beauty-fully expressed Kehinde James. I loved to read it. It felt so warm and loving so all-inclusive, like a big womb. Thank You dear and thank You Jade it was so great to read your blog, it felt almost as if I would have written myself, as I lived a similar experience – well mine is really fresh (4 months) and I feel there is still a way to go to expose the neediness and completely feel full myself all the time – nevertheless I feel the fullest ever in my life and I know that “it is just a matter of time till my movements allow me to get there”. by Serge Benhayon – I am discovering more about me and the understanding through all what Universal Medicine and their courses offer is an amazing support to really find out and unpack the real, true ME – Nadine – and bringing this amazing beauty-full, wise, precious, sweet and delicate, deeply caring woman out there – to shine in full 24/7.
lntimacy is an area, l feel, that humanity knows very little about. How to live it, begins with us when we begin listening intimately with our bodies first. The miracles and magic will then begin to reveal themselves.
Agreed Irena. True intimacy can only be experienced when we first start with ourselves. We currently have an ill thinking that intimacy must come from another, yet this cycle always leaves us wanting more as we can not give or receive true intimacy unless we are first that with ourselves.
Yes Irena, we go searching out there before truly getting to know ourselves first.
Jade this is a deepening revelation ” shifting our sense of how we see ourselves has a huge impact” once we let the preconceived images go we are free to discover the joy in relationships and a reflection of the love we are.
So true Suzanne, if you want to deal with your issues around partners, and if you’re looking for a true relationship, and are without any attachment to ending up with someone, then go internet dating indeed! Because the relationship with oneself only deepens going though the whole process is certainly what i’ve learned. You get to see and feel so much.
Yes I wholeheartedly agree Zofia. I have recently renewed my internet dating profile and even just writing my profile for me and who I really am to the world was hugely healing. It has been a major game changer.
So great Zofia, offering an opportunity to learn and grow oneself without the need for an outcome. How truly supportive would internet dating be if it was used solely that way.
Great points you make here Zofia.
Beautifully said Suzanne. We often make it about the site, the other person or the situation but these are all just distractions from the truth.. No matter how much we change the outer, the only true change can happen from the inside first
A ‘truth bomb’ – I love that Suzanne. Reading the comments I can feel that it is the false presentations by participants on the dating sites that have put me off them. How amazing will they feel when people start to bring the truth of who they truly are and life as evolution to the sites. Feels Amazing.
Yes, and the most courageous part of Jade’s blog to me is the fact that she did not switch off when Jade saw him for the first time but stayed with how she felt around him. I have seen few people be able to do this when they were not desperate. Quite amazing!
Great point Christoph. Our bodies will always tell us the truth.
Indeed Amina, our body is the marker of truth, the only point is do we consider our body as our guide or not and if we are still enough to hear what our body has to tell. We can be so busy in our minds that we do not even notice that our body is telling us something. So it all comes down to the relationship with ourselves that can only be build and nurtured by building self-love and with that restore that loving relationship with our bodies first before we can have true relationships with one another and through this steadiness we have build within we are not disturbed by our minds that tries to bring in the old, the images of the past.
I met my present partner on a train nine years ago Christoph, and we made a beautiful connection sitting side by side, and I never really took in what he looked like. I had not been looking for a relationship, in fact the opposite, but our souls had met and I agreed to meet up again. When I did I nearly turned round and ran away for he was the furthest from the usual kind of man I was attracted to, but I just couldn’t, the connection was too strong and my body would not let me do that. We have remained together working with everything that comes up between us and support each other mutually to recognise and clear the old habits hanging on from past experiences. He is the most gentle partner and I appreciate him every day for the reflection he brings for me. Meeting someone unexpectedly on a train is not so very unlike meeting them online, especially if we can feel their energy whether we are physically present or not. I felt his utter integrity.
I wonder if the people we are “attracted” to as partners – is there something about this attraction that precludes a relationship? This seems to be common – we are attracted to a type of person but have a long term, fulfilling relationship with quite a different type. Or is it that attraction and love only come together by coincidence? That they are not at all related, not even negatively?
When I started internet dating I felt the attraction for other potential partners. Over this time I felt a lot the human aspects that I was once attracted to not matter so much any more and I was able to feel more about what the possibility of a true connection would feel like.
‘I felt his utter integrity.’ This is a beautiful sharing Joan, thank you.
With internet dating it takes real discerning to be able to feel the integrity of who we are communicating with and the intention behind why they are on the site.
Agree Christoph. Staying open even when what you see does not fit your picture or expectation opens up whole new possibilities. If Jade had switched off, she would not have the wonderful relationship she does now.
Haha love this Suzanne – watch out for the internet dating revolution!
Haha I love that – ‘get ready for a truth bomb’ – awesome Suzanne, I am with you on this one 🙂