As a checkout operator working in a busy supermarket, one of the issues I am faced with on a daily basis is store theft. I spend a lot of my time in the assisted checkout area where customers are able to serve themselves; this is an area where this theft is rampant. I am learning to feel through a person’s body language whether or not there is any dishonesty in the transactions they are processing. This learning is constant for me.
Last year I experienced one of my regular customers (with whom I had been developing a relationship) stealing. There was a part of me that knew this had been going on but had wanted to believe otherwise. Now I had actually seen it with my own eyes, I could no longer avoid it. I plucked up the courage and followed her out of the store, asking her to come back inside. I showed her that she hadn’t yet paid for all of her goods and she began to argue with me.
When it became obvious that I had all the evidence to back what I was saying she quickly moved to anger, then rage, and before I knew it, she was screaming right in my face. It was a peak time in the morning so the store was full of people watching this woman, twice my size, hovering straight over me calling me every name you could imagine in a high pitched scream.
The woman left the store still shouting and I was left feeling very shaken, in shock and disbelief. I wanted to burst into tears but instead I held it all in afraid of what others were thinking of me. Of all the people that witnessed this abuse, only one of my colleagues approached to see if I was okay, whilst everyone else went back to what they were doing as if the incident had not even occurred. I mention this point here as I feel this blind eye approach is something that happens all too often in our communities.
Why is it that we ignore or turn away when a fellow human being has been hurt so? Could it be to avoid feeling our own hurts?
It took me a quite some time to work through this. Her words had had a huge impact and I felt deeply hurt by the way she had spoken to me. And being completely honest, I realized that I was in quite a reaction to her dishonesty in the first place. From this awareness, I could see that I have a need and expectation for others to be honest, and that whilst this is a trait that I value, I cannot impose that others live this. It is simply for me to choose to live it or not, and to allow others also this same choice.
Over the months that followed my relationship with this woman was anything but harmonious. Some days she would come in and scowl at me, other days she would smile sweetly, yet I could feel the falseness in all of it. I too was struggling; some days I would let her in and be able to be myself with her, and other days I would feel my body tense up on her arrival, shutting down and serving her very mechanically as if I were a robot.
Letting Go and Letting Her In
In the past few months much has changed for me in how I am approaching life and people. I have started to realize that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices.
The Way of The Livingness teachings speak about self-responsibility, offering key tools of acceptance and allowing. Over the past few years, and with the support of these teachings, I have been developing my own understanding of what it means to be a truly responsible human being. I have come to realize that part of this responsibility is to become aware of where I am holding judgment or needing things to be a certain way.
From this new awareness in me I have been slowly building on a new level of acceptance and allowing towards myself, knowing that what is most important are my own choices. I have come to see that I have been imposing a whole lot onto others in wanting or needing things to be ‘honest’, of ‘integrity’, ‘loving’, ‘truthful’ and ‘harmonious’. And that these things are indeed simply a choice I need to make for myself, and not something I should be demanding of others, and then judging them when they are not met.
I can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human. This has been a huge revelation for me in going forward.
In this short time I have noticed that my relationships have changed enormously. I am sharing much more of who I am with my family, work colleagues and customers (even my dogs) and it really shows. The feedback from this has been amazing as new relationships (and old ones) begin to flourish. Much of this is owing to the fact that in letting go of the judgments I have been carrying, I am starting to let others in once again, and to let myself out. I have reconnected to my very deep love of people and of humanity and this for me is everything.
This is a beautiful awareness for me to continue to unfold, as the more I let go, accept and allow things to be as they are, without judgment, the more I connect to a richness that is within and all around me.
Just the other day, the woman I spoke of above approached me in the assisted checkout area. As she walked up to me I could see that she was nervous about something. For a brief moment, I felt nervous too. But then I felt something else, and I allowed myself to stay open to her.
The conversation followed like this.
Woman: ‘I wanted to say to you that I’m sorry for how I spoke to you that time. I was going through a really hard time with …………., and I just wanted to say I’m really sorry.’
Me: “Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that, and I understand”.
Tears welled up in her eyes (and then in mine) and she responded with,
“And thank you for having the time to let me say this to you.”
Me: “That’s okay, you are worth it.”
I could feel how powerful this short conversation was for the both of us. It reveals the power of honesty, of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and of choosing understanding over judgment. Truly these are gifts from heaven.
I wanted to share this experience as I feel so many of us hold ourselves and each other to past choices that do not come from how we truly feel and who we truly are, and also because The Way of the Livingness and Universal Medicine have shown me another way that is true.
For me it is now clear that in order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. These are what make up the true integrity that is needed to really make a change in this world.
With deep appreciation to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for bringing back the true teachings of the ancient wisdom for all humanity.
By Anna – dedicated and completely gorgeous woman + sassy checkout chic!
Further Reading:
The Way of The Livingness – The Light Outside Plato’s Cave
Women in Livingness
Opening up (A Can of Glorious Worms) – Returning to the Truly Tender Woman Within
Reactions and judgement get in the way of love.
I agree with you Anna that
‘The Way of the Livingness and Universal Medicine have shown me another way that is true.’
Learning that hurts get in the way of how we interact with ourselves and other people . It’s like wearing glasses that distort our vision when we heal the hurts that we carry within us we can take off the glasses and see ourselves and others for the true beauty we all are. Universal Medicine supports us to truly live with our hearts not our minds.
Great words about he values we hold, that they are “simply a choice I need to make for myself, and not something I should be demanding of others, and then judging them when they are not met.” This is the ultimate for me in giving people space and allowing them the grace to learn, make mistakes, and still be held as an equal. This whole blog is so relatable and supportive for me at the moment, and outlines so beautifully the steps to letting people be and loving unconditionally.
I have had numerous situations at work this week where I could have so easily gone into judgement, I have had what others would classify as ‘every right to’ but in each situation I have sought to understand why the person has behaved the way that they have and have come to feel very clearly that through understanding the situation I have been able to keep my body open and relaxed but had I gone into judgement then my body would have hardened and closed down. I can only be of true service if my body stays open and relaxed, I can say that I want to be of service but those are simply words, it’s the state of my body in each and every moment that dictates my ability to serve or not.
Anna I feel that what you have shared is a pivotal teaching. A teaching that if universally applied would have the power to fundamentally change our experience of life. We all hold each other to ransom in one way or another and as a result don’t allow ourselves to go deeper into relationships with one another. We energetically hold each other at arms length, which is why we all operate on such a superficial level and rarely grasp the deeper aspects of life.
Beautifully shared Alexis, thank you, and I agree what is written here by Anna is foundational for life, and potentially life changing … and would be whole world changing if enough of us commit to it.
Thank you for highlighting how we impose when we go into judgement and how when we let go and allow others the space to be the opportunities for healing are immense.
Yes to letting go of judgement – what a stinger that is, it bites us on the way out and bites us on the way back.
For years I’ve been learning the crippling nature of judgment. Over time revealing more layers of it deeper and deeper. If anyone ever wants to change their life, knows that there’s more than looking to letting go of judgments and allowing for mistakes is a great way to go.
When reading a blog I very rarely quote the author but in this instance a line jumped out at me and stayed with me, ‘Much of this is owing to the fact that in letting go of the judgments I have been carrying, I am starting to let others in once again, and to let myself out.’ This is an excellent example of how judgments can get in the way and have us interact with life from a lesser standpoint.
It is revealing of how judgements can be a trap that we get caught in which leave us feeling cut off from others as we sit on our righteous but lonely perch.
We are so restricted by our judgements, and so are our relationships.
So true Elizabeth….as we continually allow old hurts to leave we allow space for more joy in our lives.
This is a big one, wanting and expecting other people to behave in a certain way, and instead accepting where they are and giving them space to be where they are.
This is a beautiful awareness and understanding that you came to, ‘ From this awareness, I could see that I have a need and expectation for others to be honest, and that whilst this is a trait that I value, I cannot impose that others live this. It is simply for me to choose to live it or not, and to allow others also this same choice.’
A beautiful lesson in honesty and openness for you both.
This is a wonderful example of how it is possible to heal an old hurt, regardless of when it happened. What a beautiful gift you eventually both received by allowing the space for true expression and not one that came from a place of reaction.
When we speak from true love and acceptance it gives the person the space to feel for themselves the situation and their part in it, speak with judgement and we confine them to something they are not.
This is so true Sam, remembering to always be love and have acceptance, to not let the judgement, or reaction kick in no matter the situation.
Beautifully shared Anna. It is very true that holding onto our hurts, protection and expectations only keeps us from allowing the power of love that we innately are, to be what unites us through our openness to share and express the truth.
Underneath all the facades we put on we are decent and respect-full beings we simple have to understand that our life can change at the drop of a hat especially when we reconnect through The Gentle Breath Meditation. http://www.unimedliving.com/meditation/gentle-breath-meditation
Its is extraordinary what is possible when we let go of our hurts. It opens so many doors to opportunities to build beautiful relationships that would otherwise be missed. Thankyou for sharing this Anna.
Isn’t it – honesty and the absence of judgement are the first steps to being able to stand back from a situation and just observe it for what it is without being part of the drama and getting sucked in.
When we bring understanding to a situation things suddenly make more sense, we can understand what is being said and why better and so the impact on us is no longer the problem as judgement recedes and we are open to truly reading all of what is going on.
I loved reading what you have shared Anna, it has come at a great time as I have been sitting in judgment, by having expectations of how things should be, it all comes back to me how I hold myself in judgment not allowing me to be human so that I can learn from my mistakes with acceptance, understanding and appreciation. It is beautiful, how when we can do this more of who we naturally are comes out to be seen, and enjoyed with others.
When we see each other as only human we see faults and its easier to judge, see that person instead for the divine they are and its so much easier to see through behaviours that are not loving, as we can see in truth that it is not them just some kind of hurt playing out.
Recently I am feeling that even having the thoughts of needing to ‘accept where others are at’ comes with a tainting of judgment itself. It insinuates that where another is at is not where they should be or could be. There is a deeper level for us to go to with this judgment ‘thing’.
I really value this sharing as it shows how we keep others out based on how we need them to be and in this there is an imposition and judgement which is felt.
The magic and alchemy that can happen when we stay open, accept where others are at, and express what we can feel is huge. Even if it’s ugly, raw honesty, at least there’s a realness there that we can connect to and can start from – that supports our relationships with ourselves and one another.
To just be able to say to myself and others that I am learning and mistakes are part of that process forever, makes way to re-connect to the wisdom that lives inside me and equal in everyone.
Thank you Anna, being open — leaves space for the other to evolve themselves to, in whatever time, their space.
Thank you for sharing this transformative experience Anna which has allowed me to look at my own expectations e.g. of someone being honest and how imposing it is to sit in judgement of another’s choices. Dropping our layers of protection and allowing others in paves the way for so much healing of ourselves and our relationships with others and the more this is reflected to humanity the less we will be willing to turn a blind eye when others are being abused.
This shows how our pictures and expectations can complicate our lives and get in the way – not only do we stunt ourselves but others also. How awesome it is to have worked through this situation and had that particular customer as a reflection.
That point about having a value but not expecting other people to live to it is a great point and a challenge. Trust is a fundamental wish I think, and we spend so much time protecting ourselves from being hurt that we can get very unforgiving when people hurt us. Yet these are simply choices we can make for ourselves allowing space and grace around us.
“the more I let go, accept and allow things to be as they are, without judgement, the more I connect to a richness that is within and all around me.” Judgement leaves all so much less off, I know when I have judged another it feels really yucky because we are actually focusing on what is not true. On the other hand acceptance of another is really saying yes to the love and universality that is on offer.
A huge part of letting go is allowing ourselves to be human and make mistakes. Allowing ourselves to be imperfect, and accepting all of our imperfections. If we’re used to getting through life by being perfect, there comes a point where it all feels so fake, and we can feel the force that we’ve used to keep this lie, this wall of protection and perfection going – and that feels very draining. Letting down our guard, accepting that who we are is enough, and that we’ll never be perfect – and nor do we need to be – is liberating and a lot of fun. It connects us back to who we really are, and opens us up to others.
Beautifully written Bryony – thank you.
The more we understand life as energy the less we can judge our fellow human beings. For all it is, is an energy that’s false or one that’s true flowing through. None of this diminishes the sweet loving essence we all have inside so there’s no need to act like we have been robbed or brutally hurt. It’s just an energy playing out that’s not Love – thank you Anna.
Yes Monica, this has been a lesson for me as well. A very humbling one, uncovering another layer that has kept me separate from some very loving beings in my life who have been in my life to offer me a reflection to learn from. I am so appreciative of the fact these lessons will never stop coming 🙂 regardless of my willingness to learn in that moment. I love the fact that, without judgment, the lesson will be back again to learn the next time round!!!!
I can feel the love that comes into our lives when we re-connect to the borderless love we are all from. The judgment makes us islands which have the potential to have guards, armies, walls, parapets, castles – really anything that can protect and keep the unwanted out! The Way of the Livingness gives us an opportunity to feel, very practically, what it is like to live borderless and to feel the love of others bringing this way of living into their own lives.
Yes judgement keeps us in separation from our fellow brothers as by erecting barriers to protect our hurts we are dictating how others should be rather than loving them as equal brothers.
How powerful it is to relate problems faced with another with new awareness and recognise the invitation offered to evolve.
This is a beautiful blog that shows the power of love to heal and bring people together.
Every interaction is as much about ourselves as another. When something like this happens, what matters most is how we respond. Do we harden, judge, become closed or do we remain open, accept what is and try to understand? The choice is ours to make.
Judgements prevent us from seeing the person in front of us.
When we let go of judgement of others we start to let go of judgement of ourselves.
Reading this blog has been huge for me. I can feel how much my natural sensitivity to people acting hurtful, dishonest, and uncaring has led to me being in constant reaction to these behaviours instead of utilising this great trait to be able to feel what is happening for others and read the situation in a way that allows me to stay the observer of it in a non-judgemental way with true understanding. I cried myself after reading the apology part of this blog. Truly inspirational Anna!
‘For a brief moment, I felt nervous too. But then I felt something else, and I allowed myself to stay open to her.’ This staying open is crucial if we are to let ourselves grow and evolve in relationships. This is a gorgeous blog, thank you for sharing all you have Anna.
I certainly agree with you Anna how we hold onto past choices that affect what we are doing now. They are so quick to intrude. How does a past choice help you with what you are feeling now. It might be a repeat of a situation that presents itself to accept and let go so why not accept it and let it go ?…
There is such a beauty in making mistakes, it is the way we learn through life and grow but although I know this fact I have not always embraced this fact but struggled with judging myself. It is getting less and like you say it is about allowing the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human…but also divine at the same time.
A great awareness, yes, its a learning process accepting others as they are, and letting go of our ideals and beliefs, ‘I could see that I have a need and expectation for others to be honest, and that whilst this is a trait that I value, I cannot impose that others live this.’
That sounds like an intense situation and it is beautiful that you were able to get closure of some kind after a difficult interaction. I always get shocked that people turn a blind eye in these situations. When I am standing in the line at the bank, I often see customers abuse the teller ladies that work there. I always check how they are after, they say they are fine and that they are used to it but I still feel to check in and I can tell by the look in their eyes that they really appreciate.
When we choose understanding of one another we also choose awareness, which not only gives space to all but also the opportunity to learn and connect from honesty. It also shows us that we are not perfect – we are perfectly imperfect, and that is the beauty of allowing each and everyone of us to be just as we are, in our own time and space.
Understanding rather than judgment gives us the space to come to our senses and make amends from a truth rather than the coercion of expectations or even demands.
Everyday offers us plenty of opportunities to drop judgement and to instead open our hearts.
Understanding is simply the best antidote to judgement.
You never know what is going on for another or has gone on in their past so when we judge whatever is going on in their present life we automatically close the door to the wisdom of understanding.
Letting go of judgement is like giving permission to another to be who they are and to tap into the wisdom within for answers to their own woes.
Recently I was sworn at and threatened by a neighbour of mine it was an uncomfortable situation, I was not sure how to handle it at the time and walked away, I then over the next few weeks when I bumped into her I would be even more loving, she really got to feel my intention and no words were needed to be said to resolve it – the energy said it all.
Holding on to “our hurts and judgments” does nothing but weigh us down and casts a veil over the truth of any situation that we are faced with. How beautiful that this woman was eventually able to approach you; she obviously felt that you were open and ready to heal the situation between you two. It is a wonderful example of the fact that we can’t change another but by changing ourselves we offer them the space to consider that there may be another way to live.
“From this awareness, I could see that I have a need and expectation for others to be honest, and that whilst this is a trait that I value, I cannot impose that others live this. It is simply for me to choose to live it or not, and to allow others also this same choice.” Let go and let live is an axiom I was taught when younger – not always easy to live by!
Thank you for sharing this Anna. Realising the expectations I place on others – and the disappointment when they don’t live up to these – affects all my relationships. These include expectations I place on myself. We all make mistakes – there is no perfection. We are human.
We have all made poor choices in life, and when we are willing to be honest about those, having someone standing beside you without judgement is worth everything.
I agree Heather, none is perfect, it is how we learn. But to be held by another in our learning….that is something to appreciate.
Reading this brought tears to my eyes too! wow how gorgeous it is when we open up, drop the judgement and let others in.
So gorgeous Samantha, possibly nothing better on this earth.
Hurts can be so all consuming, and yet, when released, the space is there to be filled with connection and presence.
A hugely valuable article and one to come back to and really take on board.
‘ I feel so many of us hold ourselves and each other to past choices that do not come from how we truly feel and who we truly are’. Yes this ‘holding on’ to the familiar, the comfort and old ways of being can be quite strong, thus there is resistance to letting go….but what happens is the old ways become so uncomfortable and no longer ‘fit’, where we are and where we are going that life will present you with something that supports you to choose differently. We are always truly looked after.
Anna you show true courage and integrity with heart. I sincerely appreciate your sharing and opening me up to show more understanding in similar situations.
What you share here Anna, is a treasure for everyone to read. Pure alchemy happened in the acceptance and allowing of what you needed to learn. Only love can follow after that. What a huge healing for both of you and all of us…
What a beautiful story. Judgements and expectations on another are so imposing. No one likes the feeling of being judged, even when you are judged for something you know you have done wrong. How can we feel and come back to the truth of who we are when another condemns us or expects us to be something. When we are accepted simply as we are and met with openness, there is. no imposition and we have all the space to make whatever choice we want. We can choose to come back to love.
Beautiful sharing Anna, and so worth the share. If we hold onto hurts, we close off to love, and if we close off to love, we miss all the beauty that this universe holds.
Thank you Anna for an inspiring blog, I have a situation with a work mate where I can be open with her at times but then close down and become like a robot, just as you say. Your blog has given me more understanding of my situation with my own responsibility and expectations. ” in order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding.” words for true healing.
Such a beautiful open loving sharing Anna, thank you. Judgement is a trap to keep us in the repetitive cycle of protection and hurts with creating justifications as to ‘why’. You are sharing a great healing for us all in the practical way to understand and take the responsibility of how to evolve out of a sticky, icky, hurtful situation so we don’t go around again.
I am learning to understand that every meeting is different in that every moment is unique therefore to have an expectation of how another is because of a previous meeting is living in the past and not being present with the all. I therefore don’t set myself up to feel hurt or rejection because I have an allowing, acceptance and understanding for where the person is at.
Our pictures of how another ‘should be’ always interfere with seeing the truth of how it is, and therefore the understanding of why it is that way.
Understanding behaviour is not the person but the energy a person is choosing to express is a huge step to not reacting or being owned by hurts.
I feel it was your change in energy within yourself which opened up an opportunity for the woman to open up to you as she eventually did. Can’t stress how important it is to not try to fix or deal with the issue without addressing the energy of how we are first.
I was deeply touched by reading the apology of the lady costumer and her explanation that she had been going through “a really hard time”. How often is this the case when someone acts out in an unloving way? And when we close down due to our fixation on our hurts, how difficult do we make it for them to reconnect with us. I saw in this example how mean and unloving it is to hold a judgment about a person.
Bringing a love that is shared equally opens everyone else that feels that love to also open up to love as part of their free will and it is always up to them in there time and space otherwise we are imposing. When in that situation I also felt to run away which served neither me or anyone else and the love that I now have developed has changed my life where in either situation I would take a loving approach so this means I also would never consider steeling from another nor take on the abuse of another.
I always enjoy reading this- it shows how consistency is what supports others to build trust.
This is just so amazing to read and hear how this woman was able to feel like she could approach you – and for your response to be ‘you are worth it’ that just felt so beautiful to hear.
Thank you Anna for sharing this as these hurts and judgements we hold onto all play out in the background with none of us saying anything, turning that blind eye to what is truly going on in our relationships. When we open up to people it can be amazing to experience life with those that our judgements and hurts have painted in a certain light – because so often the reality is either so far removed or the complete opposite of what our holding back and protection says will occur!
It has supported me deeply that in times of reaction, to see the behavior not as the person, but an untruth which is being expressed through a person. The person is still very precious and there is no need for me to react to him/her. But the untruth as expressed, has to be nominated, so as to bring awareness and to cut out what is not true and not Love.
Wow Anna, this article is amazing, this is really supportive and makes me realise that I do hold judgments of people when they are not being themselves and that I can be cold and hard with them as a result, staying open and being loving is a very beautiful way to be. I love this, ‘This is a beautiful awareness for me to continue to unfold, as the more I let go, accept and allow things to be as they are, without judgment, the more I connect to a richness that is within and all around me.’
It’s so interesting to see that when we don’t judge others or hold grudges against them that so many people – regardless of their previous behaviours – can be super sweet and open up in conversations.
Thanks Shirl, it is a never ending process, clearing out all those expectations we hold ourselves and others too. Every day I am blown away by the pictures I see that I hold about how people need to be, and letting those go is for me proving to be the only way to go.
Renouncing and letting go of issues and hurts that hold us back is essential if we are to live the love and truth that we so naturally are. I love the simplicity and power of your message Anna, it really resonated with me., thank you.
Letting go of judgement allows space for another to connect to their essence and let go of that which does not belong to the innate love that they are.
Thank you Anna, it was quite an intense situation, yet you remained open to whatever the next step was to become a more loving and understanding person – very inspiring. Normally we shut down and withdraw, but regardless of our own or another’s choices, the next point of healing is available to us.
A beautiful healing for you both with the realisation that sometimes the energy we allow to control us makes us behave in ways that are not our true self.
The very beautiful thing about what you have shared Anna is that the change you saw and felt in the woman and how honest she was was a direct reflection and confirmations for you and the work you had done in letting go of you and life being a certain way . There was no investment in this was going to happen – making it oh so precious. Much to appreciate Anna which is what I feel your article is ultimately about.
Such a lovely blog to read Anna, what a beautiful healing for you and for the customer. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
I am inspired all over again reading this. There is no end to the amount of acceptance and understanding we can bring and how powerful this is.
So much has been revealed to you Anna from this altercation with one of your customers, who would have thought that there was so much to learn from another reflecting back at us. Obviously this is only going to be a true healing if we are willing like you were to see that there was more presented than just a clash of personalities – which is often the get out clause we use.
“And being completely honest, I realized that I was in quite a reaction to her dishonesty in the first place” – i’ve been here so many times in similar reaction Anna, i.e. that old ‘holding someone to ransom’ because of what i would do, or not do, is only judgment…which does not allow us to behold the person in, or with love, and creates division. Love is the ultimate observer, and, as i continue to learn allows the greatest depth of understanding in which to truly let go. And love truly.
I absolutely agree. To be more loving, more understanding, more open is where it’s at.
It is amazing when we let go of images we place on ourselves to get things right in life, giving ourselves permission to be wrong and learn from our mistakes is how we learn and as long as we take responsibility of our actions then every experience in our lives offers us an opportunity to evolve, to be more loving, more understanding and more accepting of others and that is what life is all about!
Thank you for sharing Anna, it can be challenging when we have something coming at us, and feel the need to go into protection. This I would say is a pretty natural first response as we register this behaviour is not natural. How we come back to ourselves and the observation we can hold supports us to feel the whole situation, and it is never really personal.
This is a big ouch for me – wanting others to be a certain way and going into reaction otherwise – no matter how righteous, virtuous my choice may appear to be, the moment I ask it to be reflected back to me by others equally it becomes an imposition. In fact, reaction has been a big obstacle for me. In my recent session an esoteric practitioner said to me it’s not about saying ‘Oh well, it was only a mistake’ but it is about going underneath the ‘issues’ and moving in such a way that would allow ‘being wrong’ to occur – this was huge. And following from that, I was in discussion with a dear friend about our patterns of reaction to others’ behaviour/choices and what hit me was that I go into reaction when someone appears to be irresponsible – because I feel I have to step up in my responsibility to make up for that lack. Reverse that – if others are being responsible, then I can ease off on my responsibility. Ouch!
Letting Go calls for a level of understanding that may be difficult to express when we are feeling hurt or in reaction with the other person. Choosing to feel this is definitely a way forward in brining more loving choices to oneself and reflecting this to another.
I remembered bursting into tears in public one time seeing the reflection of “I don’t care” whilst I asked for help in an emergency situation. Initially I reacted at the lack of understanding from those around, but as I slowly connected back to myself I began to observe a deep sense of not wanting to take responsibility, from a belief that it is better to just keep to ourselves and not get into trouble. I still expressed my vulnerability, but it was no longer directed at those around anymore. Then the people around me on the street started to offer their support towards me and I accepted it in appreciation.
I can relate to this moment where you see something/ an altercation/an argument, a recognition of movements that feel very contra to the surroundings. As I focus in on the situation there is a moment where I look to see who else has witnessed it and then there is an internal dialogue as to whether to intervene – a self- risk assessment. However in this moment I become self-aware, self conscious, and begin to assess the situation not from the internal dialogue but from the external – we choose to deny our natural response and hold ourselves back in the hope that it will resolve itself – the irresponsibility that this breeds is huge – we are giving each other permission to hold back one by one and as you say Anna, in isolating ourselves we isolate everyone.
This is a brilliant blog Anna, huge appreciation for sharing this. Understanding how expectations and judgement causes disharmony within ourselves and others supports us to let them go. With judgement it closes people off and therefore, it is impossible to be open and loving. Once we let go of this it’s amazing what occurs, we allow true connection to take place. What you’ve experienced Anna is a great example of letting go of hurts and judgement. Very inspiring, thank you.
Judgement of others, is so separating, and it leads to think we are right…and yet what I and many do not always consider is pretty much everything that grates on us, that we feel indignant about in others, there are layers, and shadows of it within us, or we have refused to express ourselves and truly challenge it with love. For me judgement comes from a resistance to move on and deal with things, rather the blame comes in to distract me.
“In the past few months much has changed for me in how I am approaching life and people. I have started to realize that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices.” this is so true, it’s an exhausting way to live, and dare I say it, as I actually find it saddening, and a huge ouch too, as it’s not loving in one little bit, a very imposing way to live.
A very beautiful learning for us all in this blog Anna, thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom. Allowing ourselves to not be affected by the choices, attitude and behaviour of others is very powerful and healing for ourselves and others. A gorgeous story Anna of true love, acceptance and understanding.
I love this story. It’s a beautiful example of what is possible when we give up expectations. This is a big one for me, as I learn to loosen the grip on the expectations I have on myself first, and then of meeting other peoples expectation and then also placing my own expectations on others. It’s actually so much bigger than we care to realise.
It feels like throughout history we have ignored and allowed abuse to occur without speaking up against the bullies and aggressors for fear they will turn their focus to us.
I agree Jen, and what’s worse is that we blame the bullies/aggressors rather then see that the part in allowing is equally as harming as the bullying energy itself. What is needed is a whole new approach, of standing full in our stead, with understanding but also calling what is and what is not ok.
How powerful is it when we offer love – it cannot be resisted and you have shown that here Anna. An absolutely beautiful example of the holding of another in their essence.
I have found that the more I accept other people’s actions and choices I am able feel less judgment towards them because their choices are part of their journey, and in allowing that I free myself.
You are a deeply gorgeous woman Anna thank you for sharing this. Our resistance to surrendering to Love is what hurts us the most and causes us the most pain. When we do let go of this resistance whether it be a judgment, comparison or otherwise, we let ourselves instead be filled and moved by a quality of love that resides naturally within us all, a quality that in truth we all love to our bones, to share with each other.
Judgement has become part of our everyday speech. Whether we are judging ourselves or commenting about it with another. This blog is a timely reminder that when we judge or are being judged could there be another layer that we haven’t considered? I know from my own experiences that it is difficult to understand where the judgement is coming from unless I stand back and understand what has hurt me or hurt others. There is much responsibility and much to learn when we stop and take a moment to understand rather than add to the judgemental way of life we have become accustomed to.
There is much learning in this blog. One of the things that stood out for me is how we can be hurt by another’s choices- such as their choice to be dishonest. When we feel this it shows we have an investment or attachment to how we want things to be. It was great for me to read this and start to look at where I have this myself.
What I love about this story Anna is that it shows that even when someone behaves awfully and it really hurts you, it’s almost always because there is something going on for them. We always make it personal, instead of understanding that someone is going through a tough time.
When I read, “we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. These are what make up the true integrity that is needed to really make a change in this world.” I look at how this can be done practically. As we know it’s one thing to have a wish list and another thing to get things to ground practically. We all know that you can’t just say something and it will happen. We need to have the awareness but then our movement there after is what will bring the change. If we move with a thought of “must let go of….” then we still hold ourselves in that particular movement or you could say configuration. How we move dictates how we are and so the true quality of our every move is important. It’s not just at work or when there is something big on but our every move even down to how we breathe. If you can feel or see something isn’t ‘right’ then make a moving change and don’t think or will yourself out of it. Not unlike birds in the sky, you don’t see them thinking about where or how to fly, they just move to a quality of feeling and the rest is naturally there.
I am realizing that my attachment to how things should be has been a huge contributor to the tension in my body.
With my understanding of this, and giving myself space to feel, the tension in my body is slowly leaving.
Having pictures, ideals and beliefs of how we think life should be imposes on others by way of control, fear, manipulation, anxiety and anticipation… there is no ease and flow to living life in our own natural rhythm interconnected with everyone.
Judgement brings with it such a strong picture of how we think things should be, and yet it is ironic that the control and manipulation of wanting things a certain way actually prevents things being the way we want them to be – an insidious game that plays out day in, day out until we make the choice to let go of the pictures.
When we have judgement in our lives we not only judge other people but mostly ourselves and in that we imprison ourselves in a way of living that is void of understanding and acceptance of what life is truly about.
Understanding is the key to letting go of judgements but to allow understanding there must be a step back from the situation for the moment one becomes involved they are gone and so is the ability to read deeper into what is going on. Understanding is the beauty that comes from being able to observe what is going on without taking it on.
I love the way you were able to stay with yourself and allow understanding to be in this relationship. There is such a strong pattern of defence and indignation I know I could go into in this situation and it is a great thing not to do that. I feel people don’t come over because they are embarrassed when people show such full on emotion in public, it makes everyone very uncomfortable and they want it over. One way that it is over quickly is to ignore it.
This blog has me examining where in my life I have held people in judgement rather than understanding, and so it has helped me to really let go of this judgement and bring in love instead.
Hi Amanda,
Thank you for sharing. As I was reading your words I came to the awareness that there is a deeper level of understanding for me to go to in relation to why the onlookers remained on with their day as if nothing had happened and that I have still held an expectation on people to be more caring or understanding in times like these….but, understanding is constantly asking us to go deeper, to let go of any and all expectations on ourselves and others, and instead read life, people and situations so that we can bring more understanding and acceptance each day. Thank you for this awareness.
Thank you Anna, letting go of expectations and attachments on how others need to be allows them the opportunity for evolution at their own accord without any impositions. This is a lovely way to live and reflect truth to one another.
This blog is very supportive for me right now. I actually looked up to come back to this as I could feel unsettlement in my body after a phone conversation and I was wondering how there might have been any judgment and expectation etc. and was on the cusp of going into a wobbliness of self-doubt – which would only make things worse. “In order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. These are what make up the true integrity that is needed to really make a change in this world” – this is such a great reminder. I can now feel how my ‘integrity’ was coming from thinking that I was in the ‘right’ and how non-inclusive and non-accepting this would be for others.
Only seeing others with our eyes is one way of looking, but to feel where another is at is a quality I am building, in the mean time when I see something that gives a reaction I also bring awareness of my judgement, and bring a deeper understanding, as we are all on a journey of return. I have learnt my reflection of allowing and speaking truth is powerful in leaving the other person their own choice, whereas reaction often only gets reaction in return.
Love this blog Anna. as you have shared it simply is disappointing when others don’t meet our expectations even when they are to ‘be honest’ and ‘truthful’ – if we embody these qualities ourselves and live them in full we eventually may not need others to be a certain way, which gives us clarity to look at the not so good behaviours and understand them.
Anna, what a powerful blog, so honest and a wonderful sharing of how when we begin to look at, have awareness of what is going on within us, there is an opportunity to heal those parts that we then, sometimes unconsciously project onto others. There sounds like there was incredible healing and growth for all involved in this situation.
“……in order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. These are what make up the true integrity that is needed to really make a change in this world.” This is undeniable a guiding principle practiced will change the way of the world.
When you write, “I have come to realize that part of this responsibility is to become aware of where I am holding judgment or needing things to be a certain way,’ you express a profound realisation. So often we hold judgments and expectations that then influence our every action without us consciously being aware. Becoming aware of these allows us to be so be open and receptive to truth.
When we judge we are blocking the opportunity to have a true connection with another, learning to develop appreciation and acceptance towards myself supports me to brings this to all my interactions with others and to feel how powerful this choice really is.
Judgement comes from lack of understanding – we choose not to understand when we have an image or investment in life being a certain way. And these expectations and investments are always of a lesser quality that what life truly is and has the potential to be. So really, are our judgements and expectations worth holding onto? And where in our lives do we expect situations to be a certain way?
‘I have started to realize that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices’.
This line is gold, it is something I want to pay much more attention too as I can feel that when someone goes into a behaviour or is abrupt or has an issue with me- I shut down to them and avoid them. I am learning to not take it personally, stay open and not let it change how much of me I share with them.
“For me it is now clear that in order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. ” This is a great comment Anna and one that we would all do well to adere to. To have no judgements or long held hurts would be completely life changing and if we were to approach everyone and every situation from such a place the world would be a very different one to the one we currently live in.
“For me it is now clear that in order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. These are what make up the true integrity that is needed to really make a change in this world.” Hear, hear! Unless we heal our own unresolved hurts we can never neither truly let another in nor the world change.
This blog has been very helpful in recognising the areas in life where judgement and expectations are still present in my life. Just this last week I had a situation with one of my clients where there was huge lies and attempted deception but the deception became known to me and I had to confront her. Whilst I was talking to her I could feel that it hurts when people deceive us and now after reading this it makes me wonder what expectations did I have with this person.
Judgement is huge! I just realised yesterday how much judgement I hold on myself and on others. It feels awful. Yet being aware of it and really going there made me able to let it slowly go and let myself be. As you shared too with judgement and expectations we are actually protecting ourselves, we do not have to be love whatever people come with to us. There is always a beautiful person inside, just like in ourselves, and it is our responsibility to feel and connect to that in others and ourselves. I also have experienced that the reaction people have at times is fueled by feeling the judgement instead of that connection I talked about above.
To take a moment to observe what is truly going on instead of going into reaction and judgement offers the possibility for understanding and healing for all involved. In all our relationships and interactions with others we are constantly given that opportunity …
This happens in so many situations -“whilst everyone else went back to what they were doing as if the incident had not even occurred. ” It seems it is much easier to ‘not get involved’ and by not getting involved, we think we make it as if it did not happen. This lack of expression does not serve us at all, instead supporting and expressing is a way forward to heal hurts that only too often come out in bursts when the pressure becomes too much …
Yes that line stood out for me too. It is by doing this that society can be the way it is, with many things happening that are not the true way we would like it to be.
I love the blog because it breaks down the consciousness of a ‘work relationship’. Usually these are seen as task driven, professional, impersonal. Yet here is quite clearly a healing for the customer in question, offered simply by being open and not shying away from a connection.. which she naturally feels and in time responds to.
Hi Simon,
Yes I agree and I love your comment here. A relationship is a relationship all the same. It is sad that we have placed distinctions and definitions in the workplace on what should otherwise be just an open expression with one another. I have worked in the service industry for most of my life and this is what I find most joyful, the people, whether I know them or not, they are people, human beings, and our connection with one another is everything. When people speak of business relationships I have to ask, what does this actually mean? Is it a true relationship based on trust, transparency and openness or is it a term we use to avoid going deeper in these relationships.
We have a responsibility with our relationships every day. Recently I experienced a break up in a long term relationship. Soon after I realised I had taken on the ‘bachelor mentality’ (so I call it.) This mentality sees women first as a potentially match as a partner. I would probe the situation to see if I could see this going any further. What I have found is that this puts a wedge between me and the other person. Not truly allowing an organic growth in the relationship but rather one of fitting the picture of how to come across to be liked.
A relationship can only blossom when we are ourselves in every aspect, anything less is only a mask to hide our hurts.
I’m realising that when I react either have an expectation of or judging myself and others. My whole body becomes hard, my voice changes and my perception of the other person changes… its really awful. I’m forever grateful though that through the teachings of Universal Medicine I know of the tools and understanding to stop and see why and what this brings up for me or what I have let in.
Agree Aimie, for me it can sometimes take a moment (or two) to come back to the responsibility of choosing understanding first and foremost, to feel what it has brought up for me, and to make the focus dealing with that, rather than holding the other to ransom. There is not one of us who is perfect, but there is worlds of understanding we can choose.
So true Aimee and it can happen so quickly that before we know it we’ve already done it. I find that observing and taking time does help a lot to learn to really assess what is going on and then offering a different way of being within these particular situations.
Indeed Karina, often these responses are so embedded in our movements that it takes a while to clock and undress them for what they are.
It is amazing how we expect others to be perfect, and can be so critical when they do not measure up. Yet I know for me there are plenty of occasions when I too make mistakes and are less than all the love I can be… and have developed the practice of not holding myself to ransom, realising there is no perfection just continual learning and growth when we stay open to it. Not judging others is a process of understanding who they are, how they are, and that their journey unfolds in much the same way as mine… all I need to do is discern the quality they are in at any one moment..
When I don’t look after myself, if I’m tired, or not eaten well, then I am more likely to be judgemental. Therefore looking after oneself is imperative in order not not let those sneaky, distructive thoughts in.
So much wisdom expressed in this article, thanks Anna
It can be easy to judge another or self without taking a moment to stop and fully understand all that is going on, bringing understanding to the situation can completely change our perspective, and letting go of this judgement is so liberating.
This sharing Anna is so full of understanding and awareness. It showed me that we can learn and take responsibility in everyday situations even when we do not feel in control and not at our best.
Holding onto judgement about someone’s actions is a way to not truly let people in and to stay in protection. I find it easy to let strangers in and not judge them but have had to work hard with family and friends because of expectations or ideals i have had taken on. Letting go of ideals about how another should be has opened up a world of simplicity and love that has always been there.
I really love this blog, Anna, especially how you said to this woman ‘you are worth it.’ As in, you are worth love and caring and true connection, no matter what you’ve done or the mistakes you’ve made. We all – as in all human beings – are worth that.
Beautiful Anna, gifts from honesty, vulnerable and understanding. Judgement is doing exactly the opposite with us, it makes us hard and closed of from everything and all.
This is a great example of what barriers we put up around us to protect us from others and the potential of being hurt again. It shows that even in the most horrid of acts there is a unifying fact that at the very least we are (or have been) all deeply hurt in one or another.
You are making a great point here Anna, when we have expectations on others, even if they seem morally acceptable, this places pressure on the relationship with that person. We all have our strong points as well as our weak points, usually the things we are good at, we expect others to adhere to and cannot understand if they find it difficult as it is so natural and easy for us. However when we come across someone for whom this is difficult it is our job to reflect to them the ease it can be done with, so they get inspired but if we react we deny them access to whatever they could learn from us by observation or through direct dialog.
I like your statement: “I am starting to let others in once again, and to let myself out”. By letting ourselves out, we let people in and your blog is a great inspiration to do just that. We cannot do one and not the other. Life itself gives us an enormous new dimension in letting people in and be open. Your blog reminds me of the words of Serge Benhayon “Live and let live”. It sure takes the pressure off from wanting, wishing and hoping for everyone else to meet our expectations.
“I have started to realize that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices.” I agree, it creates a self perpetuating merry go round of perfection and exhaustion.
What I love is the fact by allowing each other space and not needing things to be or trying to fix things, your relationship with this woman came round again. She felt she could trust you and share with you things hadn’t been going so great at that point in her life, because you had built such depth of relationship with her, and this is not a family or friend but a someone in a supermarket – it goes to show the normality, intimacy and depth of relationship we can have with everyone.
We can often be quick to judge another or ourselves by their choices and behaviour we make, instead of taking the time to stop, step back and see whats really going on.
I have found that letting go of judgement of other has to start with letting go of judgement of myself. I can be so harsh and hard and critical of myself at times which reflects out into how I treat, speak, think or even email other people, which is not me. So rather than beat myself up, it’s about knowing I am love and bringing understanding – when I do this I automatically am this way with other people too, I see them.
This is a great question to ask ourselves, ‘Why is it that we ignore or turn away when a fellow human being has been hurt so? Could it be to avoid feeling our own hurts?’ And of course to read the situation, what is truly going on here?
Staying open and in connection with the grander picture is that important Anna. as you show with this blog, if we come from our own little world with the hurts that we have learned to live with and judge the world against, then we tend to judge people against our carefully held morals. But in that we tend to forget to look at why people are as they are and not being able to understand where they come from and, in addition, appreciate the fact that they are equal to us. Only in that equality and appreciation of one another, true connection can be made.
“Why is it that we ignore or turn away when a fellow human being has been hurt so? Could it be to avoid feeling our own hurts?” This is a great question Anna, one that I have pondered myself often. Why is it we can’t deal with others emotions, feelings, experiences when they are hurt? My sense is because we like to avoid our own so much. When we don’t attend to our own hurts, like tending to a garden, the flowers will wither away and die, weeds will grow and take over, versus, if we tend to our own garden, feel our own hurts and heal them, this creates the space for our own flowers to flourish. This gives the space in our own lives to have that space for others.
What a gorgeous ending to a situation that was uncomfortable .to read. Not like the Hollywood type happily ever after stories, but a clear down to earth understanding of how devastating holding onto expectations, hurts and judgments are to our relationships and the pure joy when we let go of these and allow the natural return of love and connection.
Great article Anna, thank you for sharing.
Pleasure Alexandre. Letting go of judgment is something to be shared.
Anna, you are clearly a sassy check-in chic not a check-out chic.
Ha ha, loving your humour Nicola Lessing, and yes, one could say that.
Being truthful has been super important to me and I can see how I too have imposed onto another my judgements and expectations on how they should be. A similar incident happened to me but the other way round where a man delivering groceries stole an item from my home. I let the store know but I could tell they didn’t want to know as they wanted to protect their colleague so I suggested I would get the police involved. They listened and at that point I felt I could only trust the store manager which I actually expressed to her. There was so much for me to learn from this incident; I spoke up which I don’t normally do, I expressed how I felt and I learnt to trust. I also knew that the item which I placed on the work top that morning was going to get stolen but I chose to ignore the strong feeling I had in my body! The man denied the incident but I felt acting on it was what was needed with no expectation on the outcome. Reading this blog takes it a step further making me realize the drama I created and how I judged the man because of his behavior. Thank you Anna for sharing.
Understanding is a rare and precious commodity in this world. Anna you have shown us that we can put aside any reticence, concern or judgements and offer understanding to people, freely. Let them off the hook life puts us all on so to speak.
All of us can behave badly when we are under pressure…let’s take the pressure off.
Anna, a deep appreciation for sharing your experience and showing the world the virtue of honesty, vulnerability and true livingness. Thank you.
Thank You Haresh, I am forever learning.
Letting go of judgement is often letting go of control as well. Putting understanding and accepting in its place is honoring of both ourselves and others.
Interesting point you made that I experienced too about colleagues witnessing something painful and not saying anything at all. Painful for those not expressing and for yourself too. Are we trying to ignore what we witnessed or what we feel inside by not giving any words to it? Does responsibility get more real and in your face when I am the colleague that witnesses a situation like this? A simple ‘ouch, how are you?’, can make all the difference.
“It reveals the power of honesty, of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and of choosing understanding over judgment. Truly these are gifts from heaven.” This opens up a whole new space in ourselves and allows us to be the truly loving human beings we really are. Love gets more space inside and can come out more.
“I have started to realize that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices.” Such a powerful statement that places responsibility right where it belongs: on our own doorstep.
If we really connected to how powerful and healing just a few words of nomination are I wonder if we would be more responsive. For example, the woman simply acknowledging the situation and apologising was a healing for you both. If any of the other staff had just said something like: “ouch that must have hurt” it would have been a great support for you. Perhaps we sometimes don’t express because we don’t know what to do about a situation not having connected to the fact that all that was needed was to acknowledge it without judgement.
I am still often amazed how powerful this kind of simple nomination can be. For example, sometimes if I have a call centre person on the phone being very abrupt with me, or someone answers the phone with a big sigh, I might say something like “gosh that was a big sigh, are you ok” or “you sound upset is everything ok” and it is amazing to see how almost always they will suddenly come back to themselves and openly share what is going on and their energy completely transforms – like the sun suddenly comes out. I don’t make these comments as a rule, just when I have read the situation and the person is open. Sometimes it is enough for me to just read and be aware of the situation without actually commenting, and that in itself provides an energetic healing. There is never a moment when it does not heal to truly observe and there is never a time when it does not harm to absorb or judge.
Thank you Nicola, it’s so inspiring what you are sharing here because I’ve reacted all the time when someone talked to me in a heavy way in the past. But I’ve realized that this reaction just put more tension in the other and in myself. Reacting is just a way to increase the separation with others. Now I’m learning to don’t judge any behaviour in others, to understand and whatever it is not react. My body feels great when I just observe the energy, breath my own gentle breath and don’t try to change anything in others. I can feel how my energy is in me and it’s so different than before when I became exhausted reacting, judging and trying. The best place to be is in myself and from there I can communicate everything without judgement or expectations. I allow myself to express what I need without compromise my body and being open with everyone, knowing that we are all the same in essence.
Best place to start not judging is with ourselves. If I do react to someone I find that very interesting as it shows me something that I must be unclear, have an unresolved hurt about or judging in myself or I wouldn’t have reacted and would have simply observed.
Thank you Anna, what a gorgeous story. I find the one thing that supports me most is to read a situation. For example, if I understand why a person is behaving in a certain way, maybe through some hurt or troubles of their own, then I can observe everything in a completely different way with understanding and without judgement.
Letting people in = endless magic of connection to love and people! Thank you sharing a very inspiring read Anna!
What a great understanding to come to Anna, this is something I too can relate with, ‘I have come to see that I have been imposing a whole lot onto others in wanting or needing things to be ‘honest’, of ‘integrity’, ‘loving’, ‘truthful’ and ‘harmonious’. And that these things are indeed simply a choice I need to make for myself, and not something I should be demanding of others, and then judging them when they are not met.’
Anna your blog was such an inspiration for me to stop my judgement. That includes also my self judgment and I have to admit that since I have stopped me to judge myself it is so much easier for me to not judge others.
Thank you Ester. It was a huge learning for me also, and I am still finding judgments pop up here and there, but letting them go one by one.
I am so glad you wrote of your story Anna. This situation you have described is very good medicine for my soul. The essence of your situation was similar to mine and as this was happening a word would continue to be put in front of me. Pick a word from a bowl – Compassion. Open a book to a random page – Compassion. In conversation – Compassion. This ability of not putting images of what somethings should be, but allowing others to be where they are.
Letting go of judgement is medicine for all our souls, it is medicine for humanity. Thank you for putting it in this way Concetta, I absolutely agree.
what is judgement but the refusal to understand beyond the confines of what hurst us?
What an amazing blog showing us that judgement holds us back from our own love and that of others and is not living the fulness and love we all are.This is a beautiful reflection thank you very inspiring and loving.
We use judgment as a way of protecting ourselves and as a way of avoiding. When we judge ourselves for example we are simply avoiding taking responsibility. When we take responsibility there is no room to judge either another or ourselves.
What an amazing healing and learning all round Anna, even for those who just stood by and watched the situation take place. They would of certainly felt in their bodies their decline to assist and to of just ‘turned a blind eye’. What unfolded within yourself and the lady you observed really inspired me Anna and to be very aware of all the little knock on effects that can happen if I judge another by my own patterns of behaviour and not to go into reaction and to recoil back (being hard on myself) from feeling vulnerable in any given situation.
Beautiful Marion, it amazes me the depth we can take to one another where we see things about a situation or person that another might not. Your comment was both confirming and inspiring.
“allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human. This has been a huge revelation for me in going forward.” This is great line to read as I can often use the self bashing stick which serves nobody – or be judgmental. As a society we can be so hard on ourselves and others instead of seeing we are all going through the same things, albeit in slightly different ways, we are all learning, we are all one and the same – gentle, delicate divine beings, and that we are all love. Whats being played out through behaviours etc it’s not us, it’s just hurts we have reacted to or held onto for years.
“I have come to see that I have been imposing a whole lot onto others in wanting or needing things to be” a certain way – I absolutely agree with this, and it’s from our own lack of self- love, harmony etc that these needs are imposed on others. This is a great way to look at things, as you can be honest and say okay, why do I need people to be a certain way, what’s going on here. As you say the answer, and a super joyful one at that – is to bring these things, love, joy, etc to ourselves, then we would never look outside ourselves for love or harmony etc as we are the ones in love in the first place. Bringing this to ones self allows for understanding one of the greatest forms of love we can bring in the first place. To be held in love with no judgement feels amazing as it allows you to be and feel yourself. Serge Benhayon is a master of this.
“that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices.” this feels amazing to read, there’s such freedom and joy in allowing other people to be, that we are not responsible for the choices people make. I can feel this is what I have been reacting to, instead of observing life. It’s almost if not very imposing wanting people to make different choices.
” And being completely honest, I realized that I was in quite a reaction to her dishonesty in the first place.” this is a great place to be, being honest about our reaction and why we react in the first place, as you say this often comes from need. I know for myself reactions exhaust me, as I’m taking on other people’s stuff, be it sadness, anger, anxiety, or any emotion for that matter, with that I often go into situations tense, preempting what will be, which is not being open or in my body, and actually feeling what is needed, and to be honest, it’s not that big a deal in the first place, and nothing to react to – it’s the going into my head that causes the reaction in the first place.
” Of all the people that witnessed this abuse, only one of my colleagues approached to see if I was okay, whilst everyone else went back to what they were doing as if the incident had not even occurred. ” this shows quite a scary picture of society, that if those you work with on a daily basis did not ask or care to ask if you were okay, thats not to judge them in anyway, for me, surely this is the first natural instinct we go to when we see someone upset or abused. So where have we come to in our lives that we simply ignore abuse or turn a blind eye to it – it shows we are very lost .
That’s great Anna. Being open to learning allows me the freedom to let go all the judgements that can come in a certain moment. I don’t judge myself either if I’m having a bad thought for another person but I have the clarity now to discern what is true and what is not. What is separating me from others and what allows me to truly connect with others from my essence. From there, I can choose how I want to be in this world and what I want to bring to it. Being a student of the Livingness is the most beautiful and intelligent thing that I’ve ever done in my whole life! I really appreciate this space for sharing. I feel the deep level of respect, no-judgement, equality and love that is here.
Well said Brendan. That’s makes a huge difference about how we can approach and engage with others. “I am learning more and more to allow space for others, so that they have true freedom to make their own choices without any pressure from me to have to be a certain way.” That’s so important, if they don’t have true freedom to make their own choices, then they are not living their own process and are not taking their own responsibility.
‘if they don’t have true freedom to make their own choices, then they are not living their own process and are not taking their own responsibility’…very simple words of wisdom Inma, thank you.
Such a big learning Anna. Thank you for sharing with us. Your experience is an inspiration. I’ve lived judging everyone who didn’t make the same choices as me. I believed being right and others weren’t, so from that “higher place” I could not connect with others and even worse I couldn’t truly connect with myself. So when I realized how strong and stiff my mind was, always full of beliefs, rules, ideals…I just let them go to allowed myself to connect from my heart, and from there see everyone from my innocence. It doesn’t matter if our choices or ways of life are different because in essence we are the same. Now from this learning I can make the choice in every connection with every person don’t judge anything. Who am I to do it? I’m still learning in this new way to engage with different people but I can appreciate already how some people open to me when I’m allowing without judgement, pressure or expectation just sharing from who I am. This feels complete, there is nothing to do or nothing to try…It’s so simple and pure.
Thank you Imma, I very much enjoyed reading your comment. What stood out in particular was your sharing ‘It doesn’t matter if our choices or ways of life are different because in essence we are the same’. This is true, and yet it is realising all those pictures we have that are keeping us seperate and in judgment of one another. I continue to learn this every day, everyday striping things back more and more, doing away with the ideals that muddy my ability to be open and connect with all equally.
Thank you Anna for your appreciation. Yes, it is a constant unfolding that reveal us the way to connect with people and at the same time with ourselves in a deeper level. An inspiring learning that we can do in a practical and playful way. Just observing and staying present with everyone.
This is a deeply thought provoking sharing Anna. I still find it hard to accept that others don’t have the same respect and values at times, but I am understanding more and more that to expect others to be honest or respectful is not allowing them to be where they are at in their evolution at this time too.
The connection in communication with another person can pull down walls that we have built for wherever reason, beliefs, experiences or the worst, the things the mind has made up.
“I have started to realise that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices.” This is big Anna and this allows to simply be despite of any of our own or other people’s choices. It is enormously freeing and I am realising what a great distraction it is if we do engage in expectations, pictures and ideals about how others should be, behave etc.
Indeed a beautiful and wholly inspiring blog that invites us to take greater responsibility for images that continue to pervade what we choose to see.
Great point Lucinda the images get in the way of true connection with others – losing the opportunity for us to grow and evolve.
Your story bought tears to my eyes, I am particularly touched by the woman saying to you “And thank you for having the time to let me say this to you.” For it is in the space between the altercation and this moment of appreciation that the healing has come for you both, for she could see/feel that you were taking responsibility for your part and in this you gave her the space to feel her own – it is just as you say, ‘the magic that unfolds when we let go, accept and allow things to be as they are, without judgment, and connect to a richness that is within and all around us.’
Just accepting and allowing things to be as they are, without judgement, does allow for magic to unfold. Allowing things to unfold, without control, is something I am learning to do more everyday. I enjoy taking responsibility for my part in every situation which is the key to my evolution as a human being.
“I have been imposing a whole lot onto others in wanting or needing things to be ‘honest’, of ‘integrity’, ‘loving’, ‘truthful’ and ‘harmonious’. And that these things are indeed simply a choice I need to make for myself, and not something I should be demanding of others, and then judging them when they are not met” – this is a great insight and one that speaks to me very loudly. I have often forgotten how much understanding I have been afforded so far on my path of return and still much to go.
Thank you for reminding me that I too have been offered much understanding on my path of return. I can choose to give more of that to myself and others, more allowance and trust that in our essence we are all the same, and in our hearts we all want love.
Releasing the images I have of acceptable behaviour that always holds me in judgement, of myself and others is imposing , which definately keeps the cycle going, rather than calling the behaviour out as unacceptable and allowing the person the reflection of their behaviours and the space to change their own images.
Me as well Mary, but I’m realising now that it is also a choice to make it challenging or difficult to let go of the ideals…..and that this choice is as simple as connecting to my body and moving in a different way.
Thank you Anna, that is wisdom showing us that life can be as simple as we choose it to be.
Interesting to ponder how honest we are with ourselves, when we can be judgemental with others. Going into judgment is not a Loving choice and so it is no different from dishonesty. If it is not Love it is all the same, same but different. That is what I am coming to be aware of. There is no place for me to stand in superiority, hurt or judgement, because in so doing I choose not to be myself and I do not express with Love. I suggest our self awareness is limited by how we choose to Live and so we all in one way or another can delude ourselves and fall for things that are not true, until we do not. Imposing the necessity to be honest on another holds no truth or Love. Realising that we can All fall for Not Truth at points in our lives, through the choices we make has allowed me to be more understanding and open to feeling the essential quality of Love and Divinity, another not just the layers that have been built up through hurts and protection.
I have also felt this in my relationships “I can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human.” They have been ‘flourishing’ because I am allowing space and less judgement, of myself and other people. The space is vital to offering a reflection to choose different, a lot of the time people feel imposed upon because they can feel expectations from others. to actually feel the space of no expectations can change the dynamics of relationships deeply.
I love what you say here Samantha and it is also my own experience, that in stepping back and allowing space I free myself and others of the needs I have placed on life and people. The pictures that have very much been running my life. Space feels amazing and offers a more true way to live.
I have had a similar issue with honesty, it feels important to me and I have been judgemental when people have not been honest “I have started to realize that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices.” I also began to realise that it is always dependent on other people’s perception and willingness to be honest with themselves. Being attached to others being honest is imposing and it harms those involved including myself if i choose it.
Beautiful Samantha, what we are together saying is that it doesn’t matter what the ideal, be it considered good, bad or indifferent, it Is still an ideal and therefore it is imposing. This says a lot for living simply and allowing space in all that we encounter in life.
Indeed Anna, this non imposing and observing way of living allows for so much space for us and others to evolve from wherever we are at. We need to understand that there is not an ounce of truth or love in holding onto ideals, beliefs or control, it sets all of us back and keeps us imprisoned in a lesser state
of being.
Super inspiring to read Anna, was beautiful to read how much you had changed, so much so that this woman felt it and was able to approach you and then what unfolded was a powerful healing and interchange for both of you. Thank-you for sharing Anna for I too recognise where I have held onto old hurts with people, especially family. When I have felt wrong done by or gotten hurt from a family member, I have always contracted in disbelief, as in why would loved ones hurt you. This only revealed how rocky and unsteady I was. I too have had to learn acceptance and understanding of where people are at, by first accepting and understanding myself. Also by letting people in and letting more of me out.
Hi Jacqueline, beautiful words thank you. I feel if we are honest, the majority of us are caught up in judgment as we are so ruled by our hurts and run by pictures of how the world and the people in it should be. The Way of the Livingness presents something completely different that will eventually see a true healing for all. It takes dedication, honesty and a strong commitment to see all that we have lived that is false in our lives, to lovingly call ourselves on it and to return to the true way of being, which carries not one ounce of judgment, only love.
Jacqmcfadden04 the shock and horror of our own inability to accept the reflection we are being offered, is only commensurate with the measure of judgement we hold, on our part a we firstly go into disbelief that we have a part in the exchange until we get real and entertain the possibility we could actually be equally responsible.
Choosing understanding over judgment is such a big one for me as I find that judgment can quietly slip in and cloud everything. I then need to ask myself why am i judging in the first place. I feel it comes from superiority and arrogance and always makes another less. Anna this is highlighting something very deep for me to work on. Thank you.
Yes Anne, when you ask yourself the question is this a reflection for me as to how I cheat or think I am getting away with a similiar behaviour, I usually come to a stop and realise at some level I am hiding a behaviour I would not want exposed.
Great point Mary, I am learning to be more understanding as this allows others their own space and time to make their own choices. When I get frustrated by another I know I have to look at myself and ask what pictures I am holding around another’s behaviour – appreciation and acceptance has been key for me with this.
Hi Mary,
Sadly I feel there is truth in what you are saying here, about people not wanting to get involved in something that isn’t directly affecting them. Not to say we should put ourselves in harms way, but simply standing by and allowing ourselves to truly feel and read a situation is enough….from here we will know how love would respond. Sometimes it may be to leave it, other times not, but being willing to be fully present feels important as in truth, these situations affect us all- Regardless of whether we feel or agree with this truth or not.
Yes I agree we don’t know where the relationship will go and how the lady will develop. It feels like she has already learned heaps from Anna’s loving refection so in this may be open to more.
The power of letting go of judgement and letting people in is immense as you share here with your examples and great to read and I can really relate to this and apply it in my life. It allows a freedom and expansion to everything and feels very loving and beautiful to bring true connection with people.
Very true triciaNichlson, there is no true connection or love when we judge others.
I find it interesting what the mind will freely create about others. We all have a catalog of beliefs and past experiences that can colour our views of people from a single look if we let it run on the automatic setting. When we turn off the brain, every person we encounter is
a new adventure.
It’s true. When we let go of any preconceived ideas and just let ourselves be open, in the love that we are, there is a beautiful connection and the adventure begins and the quality we bring determines the quality of our experience.
Love your comment Elaine: ‘the quality we bring determines the quality of our experience’. Very true.
True, if we are not aware of it our past choices and experiences cloud our present and as you say we can run on ‘automatic’. Practicing not to run on automatic for me has come from giving myself space to learn, bringing self responsibility into everyday life and beginning to truly nurture myself. So that the quality I meet some one in is changing. This is something amazing about self-care, the more we develop our own self worth and connection the more how we meet another alters. It is not just the layers of hurts and issues that we relate to, we can be more holding, understanding and appreciative of all that they are, as we learn to embody and live this for ourselves.
I am constantly uncovering more and more subtle ways in which I am hard on myself or hold myself to something I have done, a choice I have made. Sometimes its not even an active thought, but just an underlying energy that has a hold on me keeping me feeling flat or down and not myself….. the more I call myself on this, and recognise the energy running me, the lighter I can be with myself and then with others.
Boy Anna, anyone who does not value the people who work at checkouts ought to read this blog…several times preferably. This profession has the potential to change lives, and many of them, just as you have done. My goodness we are powerful beings and we can bring power to the most everyday situation.
If we all lived with such integrity, such will to be open to truth and to each other, the incidence of mental illness in the community would drop. The need to fight to survive in every interaction would be no more. Even the supermarket would be a joy and the staff there would know, as you do Anna, how powerful they are and what healing they bring.
Working in a checkout is really just like working anywhere else. It offers an amazing opportunity to really connect with people and this is what I treasure about the role most. I agree with you Rachel that if more check out operators (or just more of us in general) went into our work with the level of integrity and care in which I do, the world would look very different. There lay a true foundation for us all to work together and evolve……
I totally agree Rachel, it really does show the potential we do possess in every job no matter what to make a difference if we get self out of the way and live in a more open way for the greater good of humanity
This is so incredibly powerful and true. Each and every single one of us can bring an abundance of truth and love to every situation if we are living this ourselves. This is truly supporting of ourselves and to others. There need not be judgement or comparison ever. In truth we are all equal with our own unique divine expressions.
So love this Rachel! A society where it is easy to breathe, where you can go to the supermarket and and it will be filled with joy, that would be amazing beyond what I can think!
I have found reading your blog has been so enlightening – when we stand back and see the dynamics of how we relate to one another there are so many little ways we can change and make choices that allow us to have a greater understanding of everyone. When we are able to allow ourselves humility and honesty we can make great shifts in how we all relate to one another.
Your little story Anna was exactly what gave me a deeper understanding about understanding . . . it made it so palpable and I could feel what a gift it is to have an understanding not only for others but also for myself – thank you.
I like what you have shared Debra – “Taking at look in the mirror, is it possible we place unrealistic demand on ourselves too?” That is really a good thing to do as this is the best reflection we can get if we allow ourself to be open . . . from there it is much easier to accept oneself more and we can let go of all the self-criticism and judgement where we were otherwise experts in.
Anna thank you so much for your open sharing. You wrote: “I have started to realize that holding onto or allowing myself to be affected by the choices of others does not serve me or anyone else, and the same goes for how I approach my own choices.” I like this insight as it showed how easy it is to react and to absorb instead of just observing what is going on. For me this is an inspiration to be more aware of this and I am looking forward what will happen . . .
Yes I caught myself out yesterday realising I had built a picture momentarily about how something might be, how in fact i would like it to be and then met with disappointment when reality in no way fitted my hoped for expectation.
I could have saved myself from this if I had chosen to stay in observe and not absorb mode in the interaction I had had before and then no picture making would have been necessary.
Agreed, it is an inspiring example, simple but big in its impact. So often we can allow this issue of judgment to cloud how we interact with another, so many hurtful issues spin out from the choice to judge another. It is Life Changing and Yes a revelation to be aware and alter this choice in life.
This blog highlights ‘acceptance’, as a counter to judgement and reactions as well as an essential aspect of surrender and letting go of control. Most of the tensions, issues and problems we experience would probably resolve through understanding that leads to acceptance.
I agree Deanne, understanding and acceptance are key for us all and there are always more levels to these we can go to.
Anna, this is another golden sentence that is touching and calls me to action ‘I have come to realize that part of this responsibility is to become aware of where I am holding judgement or needing things to be a certain way.’ Everything that unfolds that does not sit so well with us or unsettles others could pass through this filter.
Your sharing gives much insight Anna. I’m not sure how I would have handled this situation, and it seems to me you did so very well. We do have expectations about how others should act including in your case those that work with you too. IT IS TRUE THAT AS WE LET GO OF THE HURT AND EXPECTATION, we heal ourselves as well as other relationships.
Anna, your powerful words offer wisdom to live by and hold dear as an aspect of harmony, equality, brotherhood, love, responsibility and understanding ‘……I cannot impose that others live this. It is simply for me to choose to live it or not, and to allow others also this same choice.’
Hi Deanne, thank you for your comment. The more we feel the absolute misery of living in judgement of others, and the freedom of loving unconditionally, the more we are inspired to let go of all those picture that keep us separate from one another and from ourselves.
Not holding people to what they have done in the past feels very lovely in my body. An open approach to everyone feels like being more of my loving self instead of holding on and taking things personally – the last takes so much more energy.
Yes Lieke, that’s a good point. Paying attention about how my body feels when I am sharing with another brings me more understanding about where I am at. When I try something or I have expectations I spend much more energy than when I allow myself to just be without any pressures or ideals about how the other should or shouldn’t be. It’s a learning and inspiring to not judge anyone, just sharing, observing and being open with everyone.
It is impossible to have intimacy in a relationship when we judge. It is the judging that stands in the way of truly meeting the other. When we drop the judging, we take away our guard and we can truly be with one another.
Beautiful Mariette, I love your comment and how you bring the word intimacy into the equation. It is true, judgment blocks intimacy between people. It stifles any true connection.
It is so true that many of us impose our expectations onto others and then suffer disappointment when they are not met giving us a reason to shut people out. Great to nominate this and let go of expectations, it creates so much more space for magic to happen!
So true Kate, at the moment the people in my life I see most affected by my needs and expectations are my children. It’s amazing how much children reflect back to us, showing us where we are not allowing and accepting of others.
Anna I totally love what you have shared here. It is so honest and so very real. To allow people to be where they are at and let go of judgement is huge but something we all have to work on if we are to move towards a more loving and harmonious society.
I agree Kate, a world with judgment is a world without harmony.
It is amazing to realise how much judgement is part of our lives and interactions with each other and no wonder the world and health is where it is today. Bringing true allowing and understanding of both ourselves first and hence with others is a gift to be appreciated for all it brings. From this can then begin a true opening up with each other and a true way of being from love purely as its foundation.
I loved your blog Anna, it shows how people can change when we allow them space, and we are not in judgment of them, or their actions.
Yes, it is inspiring to see the change others make, and knowing we can do the same. In this case, we both had things we needed to work on and I find this is the same in all relationships. There is always something we can look at in ourselves.
“I feel this blind eye approach is something that happens all too often in our communities.” So true Anna… I remember standing at a pedestrian crossing in London with about 30 other people when a woman on a pushbike was run over by a truck right in front of us. The green light to cross popped up and everyone except 3 people walked away – all 3 of us remaining were foreigners! We were all stunned by what had happened and the fact we were the only witnesses when there were so many others around at the time. Perhaps we walk away when another has been hurt because we don’t want to feel our own vulnerability and the fragility of life.
Thank you, Anna. What you are saying here about judgement is so true. When we judge each other and ourselves we are cutting ourselves off from the love that we are. No wonder it feels so cold to experience our own or other people’s judgement as it is love-less.
There is nothing more beautiful then the feeling of dropping blame and judgement and letting another in and accepting them in full. Surrendering to each other and seeing them as a part of us is like coming home.
Beautifully said Samantha, to accept and appreciate another in full is key to deepening all our relationships.
That’s very beautiful, Samantha. We are harmony by nature, and anything else feels disruptive to us – even though we seem to spend far more time in the disharmony and call that normal – and that letting go and surrendering really is the key, not a truce, not making up for the sake of peace will do.
“I can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human.” Through the Universal Medicine teachings we have been given ‘everything’ ie. the tools to live more lovingly and to have a life that is full and rich living from you with no outside recognition needed. You can only live to what awareness you have, and if that is not lived, life will teach you when it is time to look at it.
When the human spirit is exposed and it knows how dishonest it has been, the pride and might will kick in with all the emotions of protection that will surface to offset what it is doing.
This is true, Rik, the human spirit tries to hide in every corner and if we are not aware it kicks in with arrogance and tries to offset what has been exposed.
Anna, I love how the inner work you did for yourself in this enabled the customer to come to a place where she could offer an apology. So often we can hold onto our hurts and continue to create the tension, but by feeling them and dealing with them you allowed a space for healing. So very lovely and so very needed in a world that is so full of conflict.
I agree with you Rebecca, it took a lot for her to be able to approach me in the way she did and it was easy to honour her in this, especially seeing how difficult it was for her. Just goes to show that inside we are all the same, and we all truly know what love is and how to hold someone in love.
For me there is a big difference between observing my choices and learning from them versus judging myself for my choices. I have noticed that if I am not on to it, that there is this internal voice of judgement and critique that seems to turn up whenever I make a mistake and it feels designed to prevent me from learning from the mistake by convincing me that I am less for the error or unloving choice, and so I miss the great learning and expansion of my awareness that I would otherwise have had from the situation or choice.
Yes, Andrew, I too experience this a lot- this internal negative self talk which leaves me going into self judgement, self doubt, low self worth and self loathing. Not self loving at all. I now am learning to say “No” to this negative internal talk.
And from this steadiness and consistency I can then feel the truth of the situation and respond from my body not head.
My body thanks me in the end.
Yes Brendan I agree if there is judgement, there can be no understanding.
Anna there are so many extraordinary things about what you have shared. Your deep embodied wisdom, your ability to share your experience so eloquently, the depth of your understanding, your self awareness, your deep honouring of yourself and of all others, your honesty and what I truly love about this sharing is that you demonstrate so clearly that the notion that we have to sit at the feet of gurus to hear wisdom is absolute rot. We can do our food shopping and get a blessing from the woman who is at the checkout!
The power of being understanding is incredible… allowing people to have the space to just be who they are and come to learn and let go of what they are not in their own time.
I’m really touched by this experience with the customer Anna. I can imagine how shocked and shakey you would have been after the onslaught you went through.
For you to be able to bring forgiveness and understanding and then also remind the customer that she is in fact worth it is really nothing short of amazing. She has been given an opportunity to know that her stealing is not who she is and that she is so much more than that, because you treated her as an equal, rather than as a criminal where she would be more likely to steal again if she believed she wasn’t worth the forgiveness,
Thank you Elodie, you really brought home for me what the woman was offered through this. I mostly was feeling my part and working on letting go of the judgement I was holding, but expressed as you have, I can feel to another level, the gift we offer others when we let go of our expectations and judgements.
Such a beautiful story Anna, thanks so much for sharing it. You’ve really brought home the impact of judgment. It has made me realise just how judgmental I am. You grow up to believe that the human basics involve politeness, courtesy, good manners etc and so we expect everybody to be this way and if they do not adhere to the human guideline then we banish them and make them wrong rather than bringing everyone compassion and understanding.
There are many things I’ve re-discovered are true from participating in The Way of the Livingness. One of them is it doesn’t matter what I know and any insights I may have towards a situation involving another. This matters naught – it is the awareness another has about themselves and their situations that matter, not what I may know even if it’s a truth. This for me is true acceptance and allowing the grace and space for who another is in their essence.
Yes Gill, this is what relationships are all about. Truly beautiful!
Thank you Anna for sharing for as you say “I wanted to share this experience as I feel so many of us hold ourselves and each other to past choices that do not come from how we truly feel and who we truly are”. I totally agree with this sentiment and as you share through your blog, when we do express from how we truly feel it is very different.
Hi Jonathan, yes it is so easy for a judgement to cloud our true feelings about a person or situation. Getting the muck out of the way so that we can simply be free to love that person is well worth the exercise.
This is a really huge blog bringing up so much to look at it is wonderful. Learning to not react and go into judgment, healing one’s issues and letting people in brings a spaciousness, clarity and wisdom to our lives and everyone else by reflection. Beautiful Anna thank you for the inspiration.
Anna thank you, it is a great reminder for me to become more consistent in observing and accepting another’s choices and not judging them.
Me too. I don’t dare say it will be easy, because first I need to get very real about just how much I am judging others on a daily basis…And then I have to accept that I do that and not judge myself in return.
Thanks Sally, a reminder I offer myself each day.
You make a great point Anna that I have noticed in myself – when I am hard on myself or placing demands of perfection on myself with no understanding for myself then this is how I treat others also. So it has to start with us being more self loving and understanding otherwise in my experience it is difficult to extend this grace to others.
I can really relate to this blog and really it explains why I react to things in my life. I may feel accurately what feels loving or true in my life and in situations but if there is any need or expectation or image of how things SHOULD be then I am setting myself up to be hurt when things don’t turn out the way I want (or demand!) or when others do not make the choices I wish (or demand!) them to make. As you beautifully said Anna all we can do is take responsibility for our own commitment to love and truth and keep reflecting that out to the world. The power of this is vastly underestimated.
Thank you Andrew, I totally agree. It is ongoing for me to see these demands I place on others and unravel them. A bit like having to unpick a knitted jumper that we stitched up wrong, bit by bit, stitch by stitch, untangling the mess we have made. I have no doubt that we will all eventually do this. Do aways with our held judgments. And yes, always coming back to our own choice to represent love and truth supports us immensely.
There is a big difference between knowing and expressing truth and being right. The difference is right has judgement and need in it and truth has no judgement, no imposition and complete understanding of another’s choices, but still stands firm and strong in its absoluteness.
Beautiful Andrew, I feel this is an awareness that I am still coming too so thank you for what you have offered. What I am understanding is that truth is only truth in the moment it is there to be expressed, after this, it may be something of a fact, but truth is not something that we can hold, as it is ever expanding.
Great blog about such a big topic. I love the last line Anna where you mention that true integrity is not just about being right and telling the truth but also bringing acceptance and understanding into the picture. Truth is not complete without love.
I was very touched by reading your blog Anna. What stood out how we avoid people when they are sad, hurt and upset instead of being open and connected and give support when needed. I always feel insecure as if i don’t know what to do. But that is not the truth and it is more avoiding to let myself feel everything there is to feel and such a situation which you described where the woman yelled at you which is full on. To turn around and ignore is the simplest option. To really stay and feel the effect would mean to become more honest where we have allowed abuse to happen in our own lives and did not say no or asked for support.
When I see other people hurting I sometimes feel unsure what to do also Janina. I sometimes feel like it is contagious and catching and that I will get caught up in their pain and suffering. But really it probably just brings up hurts in my body that are already there and I have not wanted to feel them. I am also discovering though that the more I support and love myself then I have a foundation of love in my body and in my life then I can offer more love and support to another when they are struggling.
Great expansion, Janina and Andrew. I also go into ‘I don’t know what to do/say’ when I see others in pain and, as you say Janina, avoid or hide from situations. And what you say, Andrew, about ‘catching’ makes a lot of sense to me as well as I can feel a degree of hardening as I recall. I can also feel in me a desire to fix a situation, to make a person feel better in coming up with ‘I don’t know’.
How powerful is true understanding. Your sharing Anna has confirmed this for me! In your situation it created the space for the customer to reflect and want to connect with you. For me this proves how much we are wired to do so. It is our natural way. Awesome parable!
Thank you Bernadette. True Understanding is for me everything, and I call for more of it each day.
This is an awesome parable about the power of true understanding. We are all naturally wired this way we just have to let go of our blocks/hurts to do so. Anna shows so beautifully what happens when we can.
A gorgeous blog Anna and so powerful – especially exposing our ideals and beliefs, our choices that then judge ourselves and others, sometimes quite harshly… “I can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human.” I can so relate to what you share here and feel there is much for me to look at here…thank you for your inspiration Anna.
‘I have reconnected to my very deep love of people and of humanity and this for me is everything.’
This is GORGEOUS Anna – now with that new marker of love for humanity you will know when judgment rears it’s ugly head that something has gone amiss with yourself. For me, I can let me love for people get used to opposing thoughts and actions that I know better or know what is best for them. In the ‘saviour’ mentality I want to fix what I can see is wrong but without their consent or readiness. These words are gold for me; Acceptance and Understanding – these words dissolve control and judgment.
Dear Rachael, I have enjoyed every comment you have have shared on this blog. Each one of them gold also for me. Reconnecting to and really feeling our love for all people is just as you say, a marker and a foundation for which exposes the judgements when they arise. Just today I had to feel a whole lot more judgement and control I have been hardening myself with. Feeling the love that I am within, and feeling that which is in the way, allowing it to dissolve so that more of the understanding and acceptance is lived, this for me is a very delicate unfolding.
You are talking my language Anna, I can relate to much of your experience with needing other people to be something so I feel ok with myself. What a beautiful place you have come to with yourself and this pattern. What I got from reading this is that when I am in that place of needing, judging or trying to control how someone should be (honest, loving, harmonious etc.) then I am actually in a harmful state myself and not being the love that I want the other person to be. So really, it’s a great marker to know that I actually need to be honest, loving and harmonious with myself. Love has no need, it just is by virtue of it’s presence and holds people without concern of their choices.
I agree Rachel for me true love has no conditions or control attached and this blog shows the power of just holding and expressing love for people regardless of any outcome or getting anything back and just how healing it can be if we make the first move and stop waiting for everyone else to provide the love we want in our lives.
Beautiful Rachel & Andrew….”Love has no need, it just is by virtue of it’s presence and holds people without concern of their choices”. This line is simple love.
I think Anna is talking everyone’s language here! I feel we can all relate to this story in one way or another – great learning on many levels.
I agree Elizabeth. I find we are constantly being presented with situations that offer us the opportunity to be more loving with ourselves and with others. Understanding is a big part of this love.
“… the more I let go, accept and allow things to be as they are, without judgment, the more I connect to a richness that is within and all around me.” A very beautiful description of your lived experience here Anna. You can’t help but feel that richness you talk about here. Spherical living at its best.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing this – totally blew me away! How often would that situation have escalated, or have totally destroyed you and your trust in people, never allowing in judging that woman as a nasty person. And yet you remained open, you worked on your stuff so that you where able to be understanding of the fact we all have stuff going on and that must have been such an amazing thing for that woman to feel.
Agree Rebecca! Such an amazing story and experience! this is true inspiration for humanity!
“… the more I let go, accept and allow things to be as they are, without judgment, the more I connect to a richness that is within and all around me.” Having judgments and expectations has such a limiting effect of our awareness of the world as they set an agenda from which we then experience the world. Without the judgments we can be open and experience this world as it is. Beautiful and inspiring blog.
There are so many good points you raise here. I can feel that I too want the world and people to be a certain way, It is an investment in an ideal that sets everyone up for failure including myself. It is the ultimate control and opens the way for a huge amount of judgement. Letting go of these ideals and learning to accept people for where they are at and what they are choosing is very freeing.
Yes it’s so interesting. I feel all of the expectations also, and often have running through my head ‘but can’t people just be honest and have integrity, it’s so easy, what is wrong with people that don’t have these things’.
Understanding that this is a blatant judgment of others is a bitter pill to swallow because we are taught to have these expectations so we believe it is our right to demand such things and our right to let people know if they are not meeting our requirements. How arrogant is that?
Beautiful Rebecca, thank you for your words. You make it very simple and I love that. The more we bring it back to the simplicity…..the closer we get to living harmony, within ourselves and with others ?
This is absolutely gorgeous Anna, thank you for sharing. ‘Choosing understanding over judgment. Truly these are gifts from heaven’. What a difference they make…
Holding oneself in the face of rage and fury is quite something and much easier to just feel small and defend oneself. The way you have used such an attack, let go of judgment and learned from it is really inspiring.
Everyone writing here is a living testament to the fact that the Way of the Livingness has a very powerful and transformative affect on relationships.
The gift of love, transforms all things!
Thank you Anna. Since reading this blog I have been inspired to change the way I am in a certain relationship. You have supported me to bring more love to the table and allow another to be the love that they are, free from fear.
That is so beautiful Elaine, you have equally inspired me just now.
The ripple effect of inspiration is just gorgeous to witness… what a blessing that your relationship can now blossom with more love in it’s foundation to embrace you both to be more of who you are. Stunning.
“I can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human. This has been a huge revelation for me in going forward.”
I also have become aware how the pressure I place on myself to live up to a perfect way of being, is very harmful to my relationships with others, as I am in constant judgment and evaluating myself and others causing a tension and stress in my body, by letting the ‘perfect picture’ drop away I have found more harmony in myself and relationships.
“By letting the perfect picture drop away I have found more harmony in myself and relationships”. Beautiful Thomas, thank you for sharing this. Living with perfectionism (complication) can be a challenge to turn around, so I can appreciate the changes you have made in your life.
What I get from your blog Anna, is the power of holding another person in absolute love, deep understanding and total acceptance. This allows them to come back to themselves, and their love and hearts as we don’t impose upon another, demanding that they should be a certain way for us to love and accept them.
I love this Thomas… there is nothing worse than an imposition asking you to live up to another’s expectation or unspoken yet felt conditions just to be loved and accepted for who we are. That needs to be a given, regardless… for in that space we are held to become that and more.
“I mention this point here as I feel this blind eye approach is something that happens all too often in our communities.”
I feel you have raised an important point Anna, by not speaking up when see situations that don’t feel right, or offering help when we feel to, our inaction is actually saying that the abuse or situation is OK, and there is much in our world we feel is not OK yet we accept it as normal.
I agree, so many times I have seen something occur and my initial impulse is to go and help or say something but many times have overridden this with ‘it’s best not to get involved’. I now follow my impulses where I can, after all we are all here to support each other when and wherever we can.
I agree Elizabeth, the healing felt awesome and it was clear to me that when this happened something much bigger was at play or being healed for both than just the simple previous encounter. As though the small encounter brought about the bigger issue needing to be healed between Anna and the lady, but also everyone else in the supermarket too, and all those who were there at the time of the event. The one droplet of trust creates far reaching ripples when it comes to the beauty of energy.
So true Anna, expectation and investment are so huge, always creates a strain, and it feels awful to hold onto this ending up with resentment, stress or disappointment. Allowing another’S choice through understanding that they have their own choice to be making and not any of our judgment of them not doing or being what we want them to do, be, is an arrogance on our part and does not instil togetherness only a repelling. Understanding is what draws in a person as you share, and back to the quality that’s true where they feel totally cool and ok; themselves. It’s awesome to be in the presence of someone when this allowance happens.
Anna, I feel when we judging others it creates a separation between us and them. I am also finding when there is judgement held of another it stops me from living from my essence as there is a holding on to what someone did or said and not allowing them to just be. It is a loving way of being to give others and ourselves the space to be who we are.
Beautifully said Chris – love your honesty. We have an amazing ability to meet people for who they are and not in a reaction to their choices. This is what Serge Benhayon does for anyone he meets, there is not an ounce of judgment and it leaves us with space to feel that who we are in essence. This word is important for me to remember, essence, cause like you say Chris, when we judge we hold that person to what they did or said and not for who they truly are. Meet people in essence and then call out the behaviour if needed.
Beautiful Rachael, these words to meet another for their essence and call out the beahviour if needed have inspired me this morning. Thank you.
I love your comment Chris, and how simple you deliver this. ‘It’s a loving way of being to give others and ourselves the space to be who we are’. It is very beautiful to have people such as yourself in my life whilst we are learning this way of being once again.
This is a great sharing, Anna and a great lesson for most of us to learn. I know when I was having a hard time getting a friend to understand that she had hurt my feelings and that it was not ok to treat me that way, I had a session with one of Universal Medicine’s practitioners; Mary Louise, who explained to me that there is no right or wrong….there is only love. In that moment, I realised that it really didn’t matter how many times I had to try and make things right with my friend, I had to try and come from a place of love.
Thank you for sharing this Belinda. A great reminder that there is no right or wrong, only love, this takes away all judgement and expectations of how we think things should be.
A gorgeous everyday example Anna well worth sharing, as when we appreciate these moments we get to remind ourselves and each other of the beauty we truly are and share when we allow the space to do so.
And a gorgeous comment Giselle. I love how you used the word space here. The space allows us to feel the beauty, and let go of all else.
This is a great point Elizabeth here you have brought in the bigger picture element to this, that actually we are loved so much that life sets us up to learn and evolve. What ever situation lies before us is an opportunity to grow.
Anna I’m deeply moved by your blog and how you have managed to let go of judgment. When we hold another in their past actions we are already setting them up to fail. When we stay open we are offering them a new beginning and an inspiration that there is another way.
Hi Samantha, this is so true. I have experienced (as I am sure many of us have) both ends to this spectrum, holding others to their past choices, feeling held to mine, and holding myself to them also. We have to all break free of this way of being by accepting firstly that none of us are perfect, but also making the choice to remain open and loving with ourselves at all times. I feel there is so much room to support one another with this, although at the end of the day it will be our own choices that make the difference.
Love that Samantha – “When we hold another in their past actions we are already setting them up to fail”, and of what good is this when the issue or goal is collective harmony amongst us.
Beautifully said, Samantha. What I have learnt from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine about everything being energy has really helped me understand that we are not our actions or thoughts, and we are a vehicle of energy.
What a great blog. Working in a field where I interact with many people in the one day has shown me that the judgement we bring with the decisions others make keeps our love away from others rather than offering the opportunity for them to have that moment to connect with trust that is offered when they feel no judgement.
Hi nb, what you say here is so true, when we judge others choices we keep our love away, when we stay open, observe and allow for mistakes, with ourselves first and foremost, we are the love.
Anna, reading the comments that have been generated from your blog, I am deeply touched by what has been initiated here. So much self-reflection and honesty. Goes to show that another sharing with honesty and making loving choices inspires and supports others to do the same.
I agree Laura, I am deeply touched also reading all the comments. Judgement is a huge and ongoing issue for myself, I find there is so much I hold others to, little things, big things, and I am learning that these things are all stemming from the pictures I have of how people should be. When others don’t meet these pictures for me, I hold them out, which hurts enormously. Its now time to let these go, one by one, and let the world in again. So yes, I too am loving what everyone has to say about this topic. Reading others experiences and comments is such a huge support.
This is such a beautiful sharing Anna, I so loved your observations and how you gave the woman space to come and apologise. How freeing for you both. I am deeply touched, thank you Anna.
Isn’t it funny how we underestimate such acts, at least I have done. When I wrote this blog I couldn’t begin to imagine the responses it would invoke. I had just felt how huge the process was for me, and I am so glad that I shared this as I can feel the conversation it has opened up for us all to look at how and where we judge and how powerful it is to let these judgements go.
Anna I love how you shared that being honest and open yourself does not mean this expectation is warranted for another. We all have our different choices to choose and being able to live the way we want to, despite what happens around us is a real gift. Learning to love ourselves and stay true to our own, without placing what you want others to be like seems like the way to go ??.
Beautifully put Emily, the more we can stay true to ourselves and our bodies tender and gentle ways, no matter what is going on around us, the more we can show others this is something they too can choose, not by preaching or needing them to be another way, but simply by reflection.
Beautiful Emily, I love what you have share here and I agree 100%. Thank you.
“0nly one of my colleagues approached to see if I was okay, whilst everyone else went back to what they were doing as if the incident had not even occurred. ” I wonder what it would be like if others felt like it was okay to say no to abuse. It was gorgeous what you learnt from the interaction though and how she felt safe to apologise and approach you afterwards.
Thanks for your comment Fiona, and I agree, it doesn’t help at all. In fact, it keeps us shut down and protected, and this is more painful then the abuse itself to feel.
Judgment is like a fog that impairs our ability to understand another, it puts another in a box, as we are not willing to feel and understand all of them, and leaves them no space to be another way, as we have already decided that’s who they are.
Absolutely. Beautifully said Thomas. The unwillingness to feel and understand denies the lessons that can be learnt through understanding another’s choices and what is there to teach you by way of reflection. Judgment is therefore just a self-imposed roadblock to not see what is there to be seen.
Beautiful words here Thomas on judgment. Thank you.
“I can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human. This has been a huge revelation for me in going forward.”
Gosh this really hit home for me Anna, I feel how I live in this way, and when I don’t live up to my self imposed and created expectations I am very critical and judge myself, and even at times then blame those close to me, rather than taking responsibility in the first place for these unrealistic expectations.
Thomas, I know this one all too well. The self imposed perfectionism that ultimately leads to misery and blame on others. Its a big one, yes, and I am loving turning it around.
“From this new awareness in me I have been slowly building on a new level of acceptance and allowing towards myself, knowing that what is most important are my own choices. I have come to see that I have been imposing a whole lot onto others in wanting or needing things to be ‘honest’, of ‘integrity’, ‘loving’, ‘truthful’ and ‘harmonious’. And that these things are indeed simply a choice I need to make for myself, and not something I should be demanding of others, and then judging them when they are not met.”
I absolutely love and see the truth here of what you are expressing Anna, I often impose on others my own ideals and pictures of how things should be perfect, placing the same harsh and unrealistic expectations on them, that I also place on myself, this allows no room for understanding, and acceptance and causes much disharmony in my relationships with others.
“Letting go and letting her in”, I loved this part of your blog Anna, in order to do this we need to be prepared to feel our hurts and let go of our protection, the odd thing is that the more protected and closed off we are to others the more we actually hurt ourselves, so what are we protecting ourselves from?
“Why is it that we ignore or turn away when a fellow human being has been hurt so? Could it be to avoid feeling our own hurts?”
I feel this is true Anna, as there is a possibility that our hurts could come up we simply choose to ignore when another is hurt or in conflict with another person. But are we only adding to their hurt by not doing what we are all naturally impulsed to do, which is to love and support one another on this planet, thus hurting ourselves by shutting this love down in order to protect our hurts.
Anna this is such a beautiful way to connect with and interact with people – remain open and have no expectations or judgement. As I was reading this blog I realised that those that I judge and expect from the most are those closest to me. I want them to be honest, loving, harmonious, committed to life etc, so that they are not judged by others. What you share is so true, we can only be responsible for our choices. Thank you.
Yes, I too was blown away by this woman in Anna’s blog approaching Anna to apologise for her behaviour. This would not have been possible if this woman was able to feel judgement, anger or resentment directed at her, instead she felt safe to approach Anna. It certainly takes two people willing to go there for this kind of interaction and healing to take place.
Yes I agree Marika. It certainly is deeply to supportive to let our past hurts go with deeper understanding and to open up, allow healing to take place. Holding onto our hurts just creates more hurts.
Anna there is so much depth of love, understanding and wisdom packed into a few shared words here as I read with the tears rolling down. Thank you for being such a loving reflection for us all. Holding myself or another to ransom for a past choice is nothing short of the harshest of treatment. Thank you for exposing this.
“And thank you for having the time to let me say this to you.”
Me: “That’s okay, you are worth it.” For you to be inspired to say this in response is pure gold. A lack of self worth lies under so many of our misguided behaviours and how often apart from in commercials and in flippancy does anyone tell us we are worth it and truly mean it ?
I love that part too, Elaine. It cancels out all the presumptions and the pictures of what the others might be thinking/feeling in negative ways. That unwavering truth that we are worth it no matter what – is so worth being repeated at any given opportunity to be truly held and embraced as the truth of every one of us.
Yes, those words came from a very deep place in me and I feel they shifted something in myself just as much as they being a gift to her. I’m not sure she truly allowed herself to feel the truth of it, but nonetheless as she looked in my eyes I know she momentarily saw and felt it. That will stay with her always. I know this because the same has been offered to me in the past by others. A deep reflection of my/our true worth.
This is a gorgeous article – love is everywhere – even in the check out isles!
Great point Gill. We have so much to learn form each other and our interactions, especially the painful ones, because this is where we can examine and get to the bottom of what hurts us.
Yes Gill, I can imagine it would be quite stressful to have such a situation arise, and yet we are all of us confronted by such situations and there is always the opportunity to build relationships and break down barriers. Great Anna that you were able to manage this and see it through to a point where you built a greater platform of love.
Yes it seems so much easier and a lot more convenient for us to look outside of ourselves and what others are or are not doing and blame them than instead to be honest and look at 150% in how we are living, thinking, behaving. I am learning more and more with thanks to Simone Benhayon that we ALWAYS need to bring it back to us and how WE are living first.
Well said Vicky. The first thing we do in a crisis or bad situation is look for someone to blame so that we don’t have to take responsibility for the choices we’ve made that have led us to that point. I am also learning that in order to get to the truth of what’s going on we have to look at how WE have been living FIRST, as in every one of these situations there is a lesson to learn, and we need to take responsibility for our choices and not dump our issues on others for convenience.
I loved this blog for its sharing of a couple of everyday, relationship predicaments – the problem of expectations, and of unresolved and misdirected anger and sadness. That a resolution was reached for both parties after an awkward period of tension is just gorgeous. Thank you Anna for your honesty and detailing of this very human unfolding.
Hmmm, I’ve often felt the probing gaze of check-out assistants at the self-assisted check-out and assumed there was a theft issue – confirmed! And I’d wondered how the staff in question would determine whether I, as a sometimes bumbling customer, was just bumbling or masking a crime. I figured they would be reading me and this story confirms my assessment. How important it is to read and discern, in any number of situations. Basic energetic detective work!
I love your comment Victoria, so very playful thank you. Yes there is sooo much theft it is UN-believable, and knowing how to respond to this is different each time. Many a time there is a risk involved to approach the customer as you can feel a potential danger (abuse). In these cases our managers would support us in saying it is not worth it. For self preservation. Sometimes my ‘ethics’ got the better of me and I found it difficult to let things pass. I have learnt a lot about the world, people and energy working in a supermarket. It is like a mini humanity, you see all things.
Yes, I can feel myself being read every time I’m at these self service checkouts. It is an interesting process to experience.
I so love that you said to the woman that she is worth it. We are all worth it, to get the space, the time and the understanding to have our own unfoldment. That is what love is about.
I loved that too Mariette. What an awesome gift Anna gave just by delivering that line.
We hear many slogans in the advertisement industry saying ‘ because you are worth it’ but these can feel quite empty and obviously are there to entice us into buying something.
When said in the true context like in this blog and in your comment Marietta above, we can feel the equality in the fact that yes we are all worth it no matter what we have done or who we think we are. We are all worth love and care and the crazy truth is is that we all know this deep down yet may choose to not live it.
‘ I could see that I have a need and expectation for others to be honest,’ as I read this sentence I wondered how many needs and expectations I hold of others to be a certain way. Will I be love consistently with others regardless of whether I receive love back? Will I be honest and open with another if they are not honest and open with me? Will I allow others to see my vulnerabilities if they do not allow me to see there’s? I feel we hold so many expectations and investments of others and yet it feels so freeing when we allow others to be themselves without expectation and investment.
Agreed Fiona it is so freeing. The questions you ask yourself are awesome questions and are questions that everyone would benefit from.
Wow Anna, I’m so aware of how much judgement I hold of others and how I select who I will be open and loving with. This experience you share of letting go of judgment and meeting another as an equal to you is beautiful. I am deeply touched by your commitment to keep coming back to you and to allow another the space they needed to feel the truth.
Thank you Fiona, this process is continually deepening and unfolding. Judgements continue to reveal themselves through my body when I am acutely aware that I am holding others out through the tension I feel in my body. I find that if I have made unloving choices for myself, it is even harder to feel a loving connection with others, so the two go hand in hand. Self loving choices and living with open understanding.
How often do we interact without even being aware that we hold an old judgement against the other? But there is this feeling of not going as deep as possible with each other. This often happens to couples. I found in my own relationship that the key to resolve this is honesty. Starting with honesty leads to all the other little steps needed to go deeper.
I agree Felix, so often I don’t even realise I am judging someone when I meet them. The deepening of a relationship to bring it into harmony begins with awareness and being willing to be honest about my own reactions. If we are judging we are not feeling the whole person, in fact we are probably not feeling the energy between us at all, and we have not met the whole of them with the whole of who we are. This is irresponsible and shoddy, not giving true respect to either of us. Anna shows us that when we connect with all that is inside us and recognise what is going on and make a conscious choice to change the energy, then the beautiful, simple exchange and healing can take place. Then there is no need to be affected by the anger directed at us, for we are no longer invested in our judgment,
I love your comments Felix and Joan, and I agree our judgements stop us from being open to people and get in the way. It seems it is so easy to just go along in our own old patterns and not pay attention to our judgements but we actually loose out on so much, and not forgetting how much it harms others. Is it worth it I ask myself.
Being honest about our own reactions also means being honest with ourselves about when we are judging. Knowing that judging is ‘bad’ we then wrestle with ourselves to never do it. But ultimately we ALL judge. The key is to catch it, be honest with ourselves and turn it around. A much more gentle way of operating.
Beautiful Felix, this experience for me was all about getting honest. I had to work through the victim/blame feelings and it would have been easy to stay here as outwardly the other woman appeared like the aggressor, she was also the one who made the initial choice that I ‘perceived’ as being wrong, to which I now feel the blessing in as it revealed to me a strong ideal I have been holding the world to.
Holding a ‘right or wrong’ on things is a real killer for us. When we can observe and allow choices to be just that, a choice, and make no judgement on them, we can open ourselves up to a different way of approaching life, with understanding not judgement, and as you say this takes an enormous amount of self honesty. Going through this process now within myself. Looking at all the ideals I carry that trip me up and keep me in judgment is a great thing to do. The more I let go, the more free I am to simply be love in the world.
Absolutely Felix, so often we are quick to look out and assume or judge. The key lies in deepening our relationship with ourselves to feel what is there to be seen, rather than denying ourselves seeing the truth by casting an imposition upon it.
This is a great blog, showing the power of understanding and letting go of our own hurts and judgements, that taint our view of others. I can see how beautiful this is to behold, and feel how important it is to let go of these, first with myself and in turn with others.
Thank you, Anna, your sharing makes me really appreciate the enormity of what Universal Medicine offers. With the simple statement ‘Everything is energy. Everything is because of energy’ – we are offered a different way to see and experience the world. Most of us form our life based on our past experiences, creating identification about everyone and everything that is in it, and we do not realise that we are in fact a part of the forever expansion of evolution.
Your honest reflection Anna is beautiful to read. The unfolding and opening of your relationships as a result is also confirming. This sharing is very powerful in bringing understanding and awareness around taking responsibility for how we hold ourselves in all interactions. An inspiring, evolving and loving exchange.
Wow Anna, thank you for sharing, your blog is inspiring us to let go of judgement, expectations, and open our hearts to allow people in regardless of their past choices or behaviour. It is incredible what happens when we allow openness, trust and honesty to work its magic, bringing people together and assisting us to heal.
Well said Chan. It’s a little miracle in its own right.
When we hold ourselves in the Light we are, no lesser or greater but equal to another, we then are able to hold a loving space that is true for all, to come to be all that we are, by the grace of the Love that unites us all.
‘I have a need and expectation for others to be honest’, this is a massive one for me and one that I often slip up on. It’s a work in progress to allow others space, but the more I live this the more I enjoy the beauty this way of living brings.
Just beautiful Anna, these are lessons I’m learning too, and the difference I feel with all I meet is enormous. By holding past hurts we put a wall up that our love can’t penetrate. By letting them go we experience all the love we are all worth.
What an awesome blueprint for a conversation in how to deal with someone who has hurt you and wishes to apologise. Listening with no victimhood, anger, grudge; no judgement, hurt or reproach. Just an openness and understanding, fully honouring the person as well as ourselves. Your blog has revealed to me that there are many areas for us to review where our beliefs and ideals have become expectations and standards we expect from others. Indeed we impose them on others and judge them when they are anything less. As you say, ‘it’s simply for me to choose to live it or not, and to allow others also this same choice.’ However, when those choices taken are criminal in intent, then they need to be met with an appropriate response. On which note, the crowd, the bystanders in your incident highlight the fact that our reluctance to stand out and stand up for truth both collectively and individually becomes an act of individual and collective irresponsibility that enables aggressive, abusive behaviour to slowly creep in as a more accepted norm in our society. We don’t have to judge it but we do have to call it.
Agree Cathy, well said – having no judgement doesn’t mean not calling it (out) and staying silent , or not standing up in times of abuse or criminality. Love stands up to what is not love without any expectation of what comes back.
Beautifully said Martin, this is actually profound what has been shared in this blog and your statement marker of how ‘…we can approach the world differently’ as this is so needed.
Being able to let go of judgement of the choices other people make and have the space for ourselves and them to be, means there is that space for understanding and love, that space to come back to the love that we know each other and ourselves to be. I know that the experience of being screamed at is horrible and that hardly anyone acknowledged it is very difficult. It’s like people are embarrassed when there is this show of aggression or emotion and they want life to be calm and unchallenging and to go back to normal. It is hard also because it feels like there is no one to stick up for you and come to your aid and this is something that we need to allow space for too. These are all choices we make, constantly learning and letting go of expectation. I find this very challenging but the more I let go of judgement on these things the more I can stay open to the love we all are.
On another note – abuse is not okay – I work in an industry where clients can be very abusive for a number of reasons, and this is not acceptable…however what I do bring is an understanding and respond from there rather than react. But to bring understanding as Anna has beautifully shared, is to not hold expectations on the other in how I think some one else should be.
I love this also Karoline, perhaps there is another blog in what you have shared here. We all experience abuse to differing degrees, for some people people it is something they deem acceptable (be it simply in raising ones voice, name calling and ridicule, or just blatant disregard (with self or others). For the sensitive person even the slightest hint of abuse can be intense to feel and yet it is the understanding here, coupled with the choice to not take this on, but lovingly state it for what it is…..this is what we are all learning and unfolding, some are more evolved with this than others. It feels like you have a lot to offer people with this, I know I certainly soak up the lived wisdom offered by others in order to deepen my own understanding and responses to life.
Judgement separates us from each other as we sit on our silo false kingly thrones….
Acceptance and understanding is the sweet nectar of love that brings the bees together working as one body, knowing that each member is part of the whole.
Gorgeous!
Yes Anna, what a sassy ‘check out chic’ you are!
Wow, what a blog!
As I was reading this, I felt how judgement, the need to control others to be how we think they should be, is felt. By taking a deeper responsibility for ourselves, our hurts and how we impose on others, actually shuts us out from each other. But when we bring understanding and acceptance it is felt, and we do not shut off from each other but allow a space. In this case this woman could come back to you as there was the space for her, that judgement would otherwise have taken up.
Thank you Karoline (bow and curtsy with a cheeky smile). I love how you put this … ‘That imposing on each other shuts us out from each other’ and that it is the understanding and acceptance that creates the space for a true coming together. Beautiful, thank you.
Thank you for sharing your experience as it delivers a message that is of great significance for us all – ‘It reveals the power of honesty, of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and of choosing understanding over judgment. Truly these are gifts from heaven.’ This presents the way forward for us all to re-build trust in our relationships again by choosing to trust in the power and grace of our Love. As it is through being honest with ourselves that we then bring truth and light to all our relationships, through the power of the loving way we are with ourselves.
Such a powerful sharing Anna. It is so interesting and revealing to observe how even the slightest amount of judgement can affect the quality of our interaction or connection with another. I have been observing how it always comes back to how I am with myself that reflects how I am with others. The more I allow myself the space to learn and develop in my own time with love and acceptance the more I naturally appreciate who I am and my loving way, and accept and appreciate that all of us learn in our own time in our own way. Being this way allows us to observe with far more understanding, without getting caught up in a reaction and as such allows us to then hold and reflect a loving space for another to come to know their loving way for themselves also.
Beautiful Carola, thank you. I can feel your living of this and how open and loving it truly is to allow ourselves the space to learn, holding ourselves through life.
Totally concur Carola Woods, as Anna has shown us it is through her being willing to take responsibility for her part in this altercation, that the true healing occurred, for Anna’s lack of blame and reaction allowed this woman a loving space; the “time” as she says in her own words to feel her own accountability.
There is so much learning in this blog for me, Anna. Judging people can be so subtle from clocking what they are wearing to what they put in their supermarket trolleys to assuming that someone may react in a certain way. I find that it can creep into many of my interactions.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Yes Anne – I feel and experience the same. Judgment can be so quick, in a split second I have already clocked, judged and moved onto the next thing. The more we accept and understand people in our daily interactions the less familiar judgment will become, so it will stand out like a sore thumb and won’t go as undetected.
Hi Anne and Rachael, I love what you both say here. For me I feel the judgement is already in the body, and when we feel it playing out, it is an indication that it has been long held….opposed to something we call in at that time. For me the judgments sit held in my ideals and beliefs. When they arise, I can then be honest about what it is I am holding something or someone too, what the ideal is, or the need…..then I can allow it to fall. What an amazing way of lightening our load and shedding all the rubbish that has up until this time muddied our innermost expression.
Absolutely Anne, there is much for us to reflect on here, fragments of images we thought we’d let go of.
Wow Anna this is an awesome blog about the importance of not carrying or holding onto our hurts, and to also let go of judgement we have for others and ourselves. What an amazing story you share, of how this woman, even after you confronted her, still chose to come back to the store and then eventually approach you. It feels like you were a strong reflection for her of truth without judgement. What an absolute blessing and a healing for both of you.
Thank you Hannah. People who are able to feel everything about another person, and not judge them at all, but rather remain completely open and loving, they inspire me most of all. I am not fully there yet, and discovering where I hold hurts and judgements is now something I enjoy doing as it means I can let go and allow for a more loving way of being.
“Why is it that we ignore or turn away when a fellow human being has been hurt so?” My feeling is so that we don’t have to feel how we allow abuse in the first place.
True Gyl, or simply to shut out feeling the abuse itself as it really does hurt us all…..these types of behaviours.
Or is it that we don’t trust ourselves not to react and in doing so draw up a lifetime of sadness or anger – a response to much more than this moment.
“For me it is now clear that in order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. These are what make up the true integrity that is needed to really make a change in this world.” Letting go of ‘our stuff’ – yes – as your experience with that woman shows Anna. Profound.
Thank You Anna for such an awesome and open sharing of your experience.
It’s also a reflection to us all of how we can hold ourselves and build that quality of love and understanding and thus taking it forth.
I too in my past experiences have been indeed very judgemental of the world outside- In fact I now see how we all have given way to this Evil in so many insidious and devious ways. There was a time when I would ‘judge’ and then fool myself into believing that I am not judging! Haha how crazy is that?
And now I see that the more I walk with ‘grace in my pace’, the more I allow MY true self to Be- the more that Space co-creates harmoniously and naturally judgement drops off…slowly steadily but surely!
Great healing to read this blog and also the comments of everyone else..
Agree Chetan, the quality with which we hold ourselves in life, as a man or woman, is the quality with which we hold another…The more we hold ourselves with ease and acceptance through self-understanding, so too do we greet another in this same way.
I can relate to what you say Fumiyo about relationships not being as open and honest as they could be. If I am not taking responsibility for my thoughts or staying with my body, this can affect my relationships with others.
This is so inspiring Anna and a great lesson for us all. The fact that you were able to let go of your hurts, and therefore not projecting any emotions towards this woman you offered her the space to be able to approach you and to share what she did. What an amazing healing for you both and no doubt for those around you as well. A beautiful example of how when we release judgment and expectations, magic happens.
Thank you Ingrid and Shirl (above). Your words are very confirming and supportive of another situation in my life where there is ongoing abuse, and the need for me to deepen my understanding at the same time as holding steady and open and calling it for what it is.
What a healing conversation you had with the customer Anna, very beautiful and a blessing for you both. Well done, your story is very inspirational.
Holding ourselves steadily and lovingly when being abused is certainly a challenge. The quality of our presence whilst calling out abuse is so important as we offer understanding, truth and love. Thank you Anna for highlighting this issue.
Anna, what an amazing and touching story this is. Acceptance and understanding is the name of the game. It is so easy to fall into judgement of others because they do not live up to our beliefs of how life should be. This shows us how harming our beliefs can be. In the end we can only be responsible for how we ourselves live, and we cannot control other people. Live and let live! How very freeing.
It’s so easy to get into the blame game and it feels very scrooge like. Opening up into acceptance and understanding IS the name of the game and what enormous differences it can make to all our relationships when we allow it.
Blame is insidious and unfortunately such a major part of our society, I can still find myself getting caught in the blame game and every time I do it is destructive to myself and all those involved. There is no evolution in blame.
Love this Rebecca, “In the end we can only be responsible for how we ourselves live, and we cannot control other people. Live and let live! How very freeing.” Self responsibility is key here and paramount if we truly want a more harmonious loving society. At present we are living in a blame culture which does nothing but make matters worse.
This is a wonderful sharing and really offers so much freedom to live life very differently to how most of us do today. I was very touched by the last interaction with the lady, very beautiful that she felt able to speak with you and that sounds like it was down to the work you did around the first interaction.
Yes Vanessa, I was also very touched by the interaction and it shows how bringing understanding and acceptance allows for space between Anna and the woman, that she could come back…it would have been supportive for her…as you say was ‘down to the work’ Anna did in the earlier interactions.
It is extremely inspirational to read Anna’s blog and feel the love in that last interaction – I agree Vanessa, that the work Anna did allowed such space for the woman to feel un-judged coming back to apologise. When I have an altercation or something goes down in a relationship I often demand to sort it out then and there because I cannot stand the tension. That’s why what Anna shares is gold, we don’t necessarily have to sort it out with the person, we can sort it out with ourselves by bringing understanding and acceptance and the other person will feel this like a gentle breath of fresh air.
Beautiful words here Vanessa, Karoline and Rachael.
Rachael, I love what you share about needing something to be sorted out straight away because you cannot stand the tension. I experience this also and yet sometimes it takes one or both parties a little more time to get to what we need to before we can come back together, and sometimes we do not need to come back together but just allow the healing and deepening within ourselves.
I still have tension with different people in my life and reading your comment has allowed me to feel that this tension is actually a good thing as it is asking for a deepening of some sort, a greater level of acceptance and understanding and a greater level of lived love within myself. So here’s to seeing tension in a whole new light and celebrating it in our lives. Or we can simply start with allowing it.
Thank you Anna for your revealing and honest sharing on this blog. From personal experience I can attest to the destructive way of living with an ideal of the perfect way of being. Yes, perfectionism is a great recipe for major disharmony in our life causing hardness and anxiousness in the body, mistrust, judgemental of others, self doubt, comparison and jealousy – to name but a few as the list is seemingly endless. Exposing this has been a necessary step to evolve and move forwards from this old way.
“I can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human. This has been a huge revelation for me in going forward”.
Yes this is so important to acknowledge and understand. We can let go of old belief systems only to replace them with new ones that are even more insidious and evil! To place expectations of perfection on ourselves and others is simply not realistic and very harming. I love how this blog exposes what we all do.
Stephanie & Rebecca, thank you both for your sharing here with ‘perfectionism. ‘. I still at times find this one exposed for me. Needing things around me to be in order is a great one for this and places enormous pressure on myself and family to keep up to this ideal. This is a current learning for me, letting go of the need to have order, but without giving up and letting things get lazy.
Anna, this is such an important blog. In observing my reactions, I have noticed when people don’t react back towards me I am left with space to see where I have reacted and what has occurred. Usually then the issue gets resolved quickly, or at least it does not escalate. When people react back at me, there is no understanding and we end up being distracted by our reactions. I see how I too can give people space by not reacting and judging so that they can feel the space they need to understand what has happened.
It’s true reactions can take us off on a tangent further and further away from truth and deeper and deeper into complication and often confusion. Staying still and free of reaction allows a deeper and deeper connection with ourselves and with others and allows for us to evolve rather than involve.
Beautiful comment Elaine, I find its the reactions that create seperation between us and when we are able to observe we create space as Debra shares here. Space gives us the opportunity to come back to ourselves and eventually each other.
This is true service Debra. The allowing of space so that the truth can be felt.
Hi Debra, I love how you put this, it’s simple and makes sense. Giving space supports the other, being given space allows us to feel and everyone comes to understanding in their own time. Beautiful. With love, Anna
When we don’t react, it has an effect of taking the wind out of their sails. As you have said Danna, everyone can learn.
There’s a world of difference between observing behaviour neutrally and judging from our minds. The first opens us up to recognise a pattern, addiction or hurt, yet still connect to the human being and accept them for who they are. When we judge, we go into our heads, and lose sight of the person as a human being.
It is so true Kehinde that there is a world of difference between observing and absorbing. When we observe life and situations that arise we are then able to remain true and reflect the quality of Love that we all are and so allow another to come to know in their own time that they too are of this same quality of Love.
There’s a world of difference between observing behaviour neutrally and judging from our minds. The first opens us up to recognise a pattern, addiction or hurt, yet still connect to the human being and accept them for who they are. When we judge, we go into our heads, become cold and lose sight of the person as a human being.
There’s a world of difference between observing behaviour neutrally and judging from our minds. The first opens us up to recognise a pattern, addiction or hurt, yet still connect to the human being and accept them for who they are. When we judge, we go into our heads, become cold and lose sight of the person as a human being.
What a beautiful way to start my day reading this blog. I have judged people for a very long time, for their choices, for not taking good care of themselves and for how they live. This is all a projection from myself, my own self bashing and a way to protect myself so I don’t have to let people in. Nowadays I feel the beauty of letting people be and connect to their enormous beauty and love. I absolutely love people and being with them and the more space I allow myself to just be, the more I can allow this space to other. What I give to myself, I can give to others.
Honest sharing Anna. We often talk about judgement as if its something we don’t have, but we do. We constantly have expectations of others based on choices we have made for ourselves. It’s easy to take the ‘higher’ moral ground and look down on others. Better to be honest and say ‘Yep I judge’, be aware of when we do and reflect on why this is so. It is great to be reminded of the consequences of judgement and expectations on our bodies and relationships. Change happens when we change ourselves by learning to accept others, regardless of the choices they have made, and be understanding of them. By being true to your light and continuing to relate to the woman in her essence, she responded to the true you, hence her apology. There are many lessons for us all in this blog, thank you.
What an amazing experience, thank you for writing about it. The force coming at you would have been super charged and you managed to turn it, over time, into a great learning about understanding and letting people in.
This is indeed a great learning Gabriele. As to truly know that we are Love we then know that we all are Love and then are able to observe, understand and know that loveless behaviour from another is not coming from them, from who they are but rather through them through the lack of Love that they themselves feel.
Yeah I really enjoyed this aspect too that the situation kept presenting itself to be dealt with, it wasn’t a situation that just went away and never needed to be looked at again.
Very true Kristy when you put it like that. Everything returns to us to look at in one way or another, but it is quite unique when it is the same person coming round and round to show us what is needed to be dealt with. The beauty and blessing in our closest living loved ones. This woman was a true blessing for me to be able to let go of many of the judgements I have been holding people to, and today there is still more in the new reflections around me.
I feel we are reaching a point where every reflection good or bad is an apportinity to grow and learn, every interaction an opportunity to look within to clear and return. What a blessing we are offered to return to the beauty and glory of our true selves and in that be of service.
Thank you very much for your sharing, Anna. I may not have had obvious confrontation or difficulty, but I can feel how my ideals and judgment have clouded, and are still clouding over relationships that could be far more open and honest.
We can probably all relate to this way of throwing a tantrum, of screaming and shouting till we are blue in face. But what you show us here Anna is how when we bring true understanding to the internal fight each of us has going on underneath, there’s no expectation or rule that we need to live to. This sets us free to express openly and come back to truth, just as this lady came back to you eventually.
Great comment Joseph, any time we choose to come back to truth within ourselves and express what we feel, it supports us deeply, and by consistently expressing truth allows people the space to connect to truth in their own time.
Shop stealing is an interesting act to explore. My sense is that for some it arises from feeling a victim of life, and that life owes us something and therefore we deserve to take things that we are not willing to pay for. It comes back to our relationship to money and blocking the flow of money in life so as to justify limitation rather than accepting our full power and grandness.
In this, we can see the importance of understanding in situations of shop theft, seeing the person in their process and gently showing them that we have noticed and this behaviour is not ok, giving them a chance to feel this for themselves and reconnect to the integrity that is naturally them; and deeper still, to feel the potential they have to claim their power, when they are ready to make that choice.
Thank you for sharing your experience Anna. It is very important to reveal where we are in judgement of others (or ourselves) and have an expectation for things to be perfect, not allowing the space and grace for human error. Being allowing and accepting with myself gives me the opportunity to hold others in the same loving understanding and it is amazing the power this has to heal relationships and allow them to flourish.
How liberating it is when we can approach others with understanding and not judgement. And equally to understand how harming judgement of ourselves can be. It seems women can be particularly hard on themselves, as can men too, and self flagellation can wreak havoc to our self esteem, and cause damaging effects in our relationships. A kind and gentle understanding approach can heal many wounds.
Great sharing Anna and a great reminder to bring understanding to each interaction no matter how abusive it may be. We need to say no to the abuse but still hold the other in the love we know them to be.
Yes I agree Mary-Louise, not always easy to do when there is direct abuse involved, but absolutely possible.
Thank you Anna for a very powerful blog, in allowing accepting and understanding ourselves and each other. I have judged my self and others so much throughout my life, it has been big for me to be able to say that it is ok if I make a mistake, or get it wrong. With this ongoing acceptance of myself I have found my acceptance of others has grown also, judgment can fall away and understanding can then enter, how beautiful your experience turned out to be with this lady .
Wow Anna thanks for sharing this is so inspiring and I honestly felt these days how much judgment there still is and today how it feels to let that go and read here in some comments about more space in the body. I love to deepen my understanding as it is the step of letting go and re-connect to love and joy within.
I actually feel that we are more judgemental than possibly any other time of the world, as the way people interact on social media is truly abhorrent and is so frequent, or maybe it is just showing what was always there just not shared in this way so obviously before. It is definitely not the way forward as we can see how unloving it is, not as a judgement but an observation, and in that how we are with how everything is very revealing of how hostile we are which shows how harsh we are with ourselves.
Wanting the world to be harmonious and honest is in fact a judgement we then hold over everybody who is not meeting our picture of how that is to be. Thank you Anna, this is revelatory for me, I hadn’t quite looked at it so clearly.
Me too, Esther. This is huge. It feels like that “wanting” is asking things/people to be different, and by that we are already saying ‘that is not good enough’, not truly accepting their choices and allowing them to take responsibility as they choose.
Yes Esther and it’s an expectation. The world owes us nothing, it is for us to respond to it as it is, not as we would like it to be.
I agree Esther I have held the same judgment, ‘Wanting the world to be harmonious and honest’ when my expectation of my self made picture hasn’t been met. There is no allowing room for others, or myself to be where we are and to go from there.
That is so true and I have played the game of I won’t play with you until you are nice. So I hold back everything I am out of fear and protection so then there is no other way of living being offered just the same same. A true disaster!
Thank you Anna for this clear example how judgement plays out in everyday interactions, it basically creates complications and makes life hard. So it is well worth to let go of our held hurts one by one so we can live step by step more harmoniously together.
I am aware that many of us do not accept that others have moved on and are changing as well as ourselves, and we are inclined to think someone we knew in the past has remained the same. I discover this with many of my old friends, they move with me and are not stuck in the past . It shows to me how energy works, we have made a connection and once that is made we evolve together even though we are far apart. This is why it is so important to pay attention to what you say Anna, to be honest, truthful, and fully responsible for ourselves. I love the conversation you had with the woman, so simple and respectful on both sides.
Beautiful Sharing Joan! We must never hold people to the choices or beliefs they had in the past, as we all have the opportunity to evolve!
Beautifully said, Joan and Michelle. We think our past cannot be changed and it will forever haunt us, and we do that over interactions with others, and also with our own choices in the past. I agree with you, Michelle, this is very capping and harming.
Realising reaction is a choice was a big step for me.
Me too Nikki, it’s easy to see our reactions as someone else’s fault but we actually have a choice in how we respond in each moment.
Beautiful simple wisdom Nikki and Hannah, I love this. Thank you.
I agree Nikki, being presented with this wisdom, changes much for me too.
Same for me Nikki and one we realise that reaction is something we choose we are free to choose to respond instead.
Absolutely Nikki – big boots to fill but I know I am slowly growing into them.
Beautiful Anna. Holding judgement, needing things to be a certain way and consequently keeping people out is something I struggle with. Recently is has come to my awareness how much this hurts in my body and the tension it creates. When I do drop judgement and my own needs, space opens up and within this space everyone has the space to be who they are. With out my imposition and attempted control of the situation things can be as they are and when I allow this and accept others as they are, I let them in.
beautiful to hear Nikki! Giving others space is a gift for ourselves and others! We don’t have to feel like we need to control anything, and others feel like they are under no pressure! We all know what it feels like to be under pressure by someone!
I work as a check-out assistant too Anna, and I have found it is a great way to experience and be able to observe my own interactions with people. In a day I will meet hundreds of people and as soon as I have a judgmental thought I can feel how this can change the relationship with the person almost immediately. I enjoy working at the check outs, it is one of the best places I have found to really get to know myself. So many things that I have managed to be kept hidden in normal interactions with friends or family get exposed when I am on the check outs. For example if I don’t totally meet each person I can feel how they either get irritated distracted or sometimes rude, which stops me enough to realize that maybe I have not been totally present.
Thank you for writing about this Anna. What an opportunity for yourself and the woman you write about to come to a deep understanding of each other and relationships between people. This has made me think about the reasons I judge others. To live with honesty, harmony and love isn’t something which others are going to or should offer to me- these are things I can begin to live through every choice.
“I wanted to share this experience as I feel so many of us hold ourselves and each other to past choices”. I feel this is a really important point Anna for if we do hold ourselves and others to the past with no understanding there is no possibility of evolution – we are maintaining a stuckness and not allowing for the possibility of growth and change.
When we express more open and honestly with others we are able to deepen the relationships we have, and at the same time it offers an opportunity for others to be open and honest too.
Yes and this can only happen when we start to really love and care for ourselves first, having that level of understanding and lack of judgement to ourselves and then freedom is normal.
Thank you Anna, what a beautiful opportunity you have given all of us, as readers, to read about an example where judgement of others and their choices lies below the surface but can be felt by the other person. It gives us all an opportunity to look at where it might be laying dormant and waiting to pounce!! Offering space and grace doesn’t allow others to get away with abuse, theft or illegal behaviour, it does what needs to be done but does it without judgement. That allows space for the other person to own the consequences of their choices without the loading of judgement.
This truly is a life changing revelation Anna “ can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human”. Becoming aware of this is revealed to me in pockets I’ve tucked away. An awareness will come up in regard to something and I’ll realize I’m holding others to ransom and allow myself the space to feel where this is also in me. There will be more areas I’m still hiding out with hostages but I’m very gentle with myself when discovered because no longer will I cause un-necessary harm, which is something I celebrate and not berate.
Holding ourselves and others to ransom is the name of the game here, absolutely. But it is a very cold and isolating stance that hurts the perpetrator just as much as the recipient, if not more so.
So true Gabriele, we hold others hostage to our own expectations, it is the opposite to beholding another as our equal who are making different choices.
“Woman: ‘I wanted to say to you that I’m sorry for how I spoke to you that time. I was going through a really hard time with …………., and I just wanted to say I’m really sorry.’
Me: “Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that, and I understand”.
Tears welled up in her eyes (and then in mine) and she responded with,
“And thank you for having the time to let me say this to you.”
Me: “That’s okay, you are worth it.”
This is beautiful and very healing to read.
“I can now see the huge pressure I have been placing on myself (and others) to live up to an ideal or perfect way of being, and not allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply be human.” Thank you – this is very humbling to read.
Wow Anna, what an amazing article, I loved reading this, ‘ in letting go of the judgments I have been carrying, I am starting to let others in once again, and to let myself out.’ this is so beautiful, I too am learning to let of judgments and have found that this allows me to have more true and loving connections with my friends and family.
I am learning to do the same Rebecca. I didn’t realise how much judgement I can still place on others by falling back into old habits and behaviours. To be truly open and loving we cannot harbour any judgement. It blocks our communication and loving expressions.
Thank you Anna for sharing some sound advice…”let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty…” Honesty is the best policy for sure.
Anna, your blog is stunning. I was held captivated on reading. There is so much to relate to with your sharing and with your story. “In order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding.” This is huge and without the support of Universal Medicine I would not be on my way through this process. I truly appreciate the understanding I have reached so far whilst in the knowing of the more to come.
I love this part you’ve highlighted Rachel. ‘Honesty, acceptance and understanding’ breaks down layers of protection, judgement and allows us to be more open and let people in. Understanding this is great, living it and putting this into practice is what propels true change.
Hear hear – so well expressed Rachel and for highlighting it again Chan – the truth of this is so obvious and it can only further our evolution in all our interactions with ourselves as well as with others.
Thankyou for sharing this experience Anna and the awareness you were able to come to with this woman. I loved reading about your exchange with her at the end. It just confirms that all we want from each other is understanding and connection. Even when we act counter to the love we are, this love is still right here with us always, forever able to reach out to another no matter what has stood in our way. It also shows us that vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths, for in this surrender we begin to see the magnificence of who we really are and once this is glimpsed, we make the choice to live more and more of this Heavenly light in our normal everyday lives.
Deep down we are deeply responsible beings, yet we often behave in a way that is completely irresponsible. In order to not feel how we have moved out of sync to whom we are in essence, we begin to build elaborate facades from which to hide behind. We build a wall of judgement to hide our hurt behind, misleadingly telling ourselves ‘It’s their fault I got hurt’, when we know that it is our choices and our choices only that have led us to where we stand. Taking responsibility for these choices is the key to releasing ourselves from this self- imprisoned state. Admitting that we have judgments on others to ‘safeguard’ us from feeling our own pain may sting at first but not as much as burying the pain in full and known illusion that it is ‘someone else’s problem’, only to have be dealt with at a later date. We can run from responsibility all we like but it doesn’t mean it goes away, it just moves along with us, for it is us, awaiting our return.
This is a brilliant article. I still feel judgments and expectations like barbed wire catching on me as I walk through life. But there is always, always a choice: to give the barb wired no more attention than it requires to unsnag it and move on, OR to move around in the barbed wire getting more and more entangled.
This is a great analogy Matilda with the barbed wire. Judgements are complications and indeed painful ones at that. They keep us separate from one another and from expressing the love we truly are.
Letting people in is about letting everyone in, not just the people we get along with. This has been a huge lesson for me, to put aside any hurts and reactions that I may have had to someone and to keep choosing love.
I enjoyed reading your experience here Anna, what you share has so many parallels for myself, especially wanting others to make the same or similar choices as I do in relation to self responsibility and integrity. Like you share the more I accept people simply as they are and the more I am able to accept myself and my choices, my interactions with others are becoming a joy and a pleasure to experience. There is also a level of honesty that I had not before lived with that is becoming now the foundation on which I live my life.
Same here Leigh, especially in my last relationship I so wanted my ex-partner to make the same choices that I made, but then you actually say the whole time: you have to change. I have learned a lot from that and now in meeting new men, so much has changed as I just let them be so much more. It is very imposing to want the other make the same choices as you make, and very arrogant as well. Just being yourself and be loving is the most beautiful and honest way to connect with others.
Thank you for sharing Anna. Understanding is such an important skill to have, as every single person in the world makes mistakes at one point or another and if we judge them and hold them to ransom for those mistakes then this will cause them to contract and lose trust in others, and our bodies will harden because of the effort we put into stiffening and keeping others at a distance rather than letting them in.
Such wise words, I am taking the liberty of copying them as a reminder for me and for others. Thank you Susie Williams.
Yes Susie, thanks for this comment,you’ve summed it all up very well right here.
Dear Anna, what a beautiful sharing. As I was reading I could see myself in the supermarket lady with regards to her emotional reaction. I could also see how I have been placing pressure on others to be a particular way and that this can be the cause of emotional outbursts that I have. More acceptance is needed. Thank you, as your blog and your willingness to stay open show us the power that giving people the grace of space and acceptance brings.
I’m someone who has reacted a lot in her life, but I must say that it does feel awesome when I can make that choice not to, before I actually have reacted, and what a difference that feels like in my body – which after a reaction does not feel good for ages, observation is under-rated!
I agree Shelley, I too have lived much in reaction to life and people which only serves to show me how many expectations and needs I have on others. It feels great these days to be choosing these reactions less and less and start to observe and allow everything and everyone to be where it is. I am learning that these expectations are not innocent, they are impositions on others and they only set us up to feel hurt and disappointed.
Anna that’s one of my big learnings’ allowing others to be where they are in there own journey’. I also had an incident this week where I met a guy in the street that I have spoken to quite a lot. I have got to know his circumstances and the depth he is prepared to go to in speaking out against the injustices that surround us. We were having one such conversation when all of a sudden he started shouting at someone across the street. I didn’t flinch but just held very steady knowing he had allowed an energy to come in and it was not him, he could not look at me but had to walk away. This is not the first time he has done this but each time we meet I hold him as an equal brother as I see his sensitivities, passion and hurts and respect the journey he has chosen for himself.
Thank you Anna. There is much to learn from this sharing. It is inspiring how you took responsibility for your part in the initial experience with the other woman rather than simply blaming her for how you were left feeling as quite often this is how we deal with life. The beauty and value in this was confirmed when she later apologised – what an awesome healing for you both 🙂
Thank you Anna, you have reminded me of how I too like everything to be harmonious – as a manager years ago I always found it easy to praise but hard to criticise when things weren’t done right. And I have learned since that it’s not about diminishing the other person but about respecting who they are and speaking truth. It is clear from this encounter that your being open to truth allowed her to respond and be open to you – a beautiful sharing, thank you.
Lovely blog Anna…”That’s okay, you are worth it.”…is something I can feel very deeply is worth saying to ourselves more regularly, because it is then there for others.
So true, back to observation again – to observe and not absorb. Such an important tool to have handy all of the time …
How very beautiful that your letting go of judgement and then remaining open to this woman allowed you both to heal from such an unpleasant situation: how powerful is the grace of an open heart!
‘how powerful is the grace of an open heart!’ Beautifully said Coleen. So living with an open heart should become and always be the number one subject to learn, practice and live in life.
Yes, it is not the person themselves who is abusive, as all people are innately love, but the person does need to made accountable for the energy that they are allowing to come through them when they attack another.
‘For me it is now clear that in order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. These are what make up the true integrity that is needed to really make a change in this world.’ Anna this is beautifully expressed. Our disappointment with others is only ever a reflection of the expectations we hold and the judgement we cast when they (or ourselves) do not meet this ‘ideal’ standard.
An awesome sharing Anna and what stood out for me was “I have come to see that I have been imposing a whole lot onto others in wanting or needing things to be ‘honest’, of ‘integrity’, ‘loving’, ‘truthful’ and ‘harmonious’. And that these things are indeed simply a choice I need to make for myself, and not something I should be demanding of others, and then judging them when they are not met.” Reading this made me reflect on my own expectations, and although a lot has been cleared up, I can still find pockets of judgments, just showing their ugly little heads so quickly as nearly not noticable. Time to be even more aware of still held judgments on myself as well as others.
Very beautiful sharing Anne. Understanding is such a great thing to learn. We often take things personally for instance when someone reacts that angrily and then being judgmental towards the other person, remembering them as an ‘angry’ person. Yet as this blog shows there might be lots going on for that person at the time that might have them burst out in anger, which helps to not take it personal and to surrender.
This is a great point Lieke – holding on to views we have of how another has behaved and making that what they are is not very supporting for other people and it is actually not keeping us up to date with how that person actually is. So when I meet someone that before was angry and me still holding on to that and seeing them as angry is not at all letting them be free to be seen with fresh eyes. Rather we are tainting them ahead which actually creates for them a situation where they are expected to be, say in this case, angry. It’s like we see the world with glasses filled with old stuff that might not even be relevant anymore. Wiping these glasses clean if we have allowed mud to be stuck on them is important both for me so that I can see with clear eyes AND for other people so they can be seen in a fresh new light so they can be allowed to be themselves in every moment.
This is a great reminder Lieke to not take things personally and to just be in observation. When we can observe without judgement others can feel that they are safe to open up.
Yes honesty and humility support us to drop the judgements and accept others where they are at. So true that the layers of judgements that we hold can be very insidious and I have recently recognised my double standards with, for example, clients and colleagues where I am more understanding of clients but judgemental of colleagues who I feel are not pulling their weight in the team. Good to recognise and address without the need to justify and win others over to my point of view to enable me to feel ‘in the right’. Feeling the lack of equality in how I have handled so many situations in the past and a deeper responsibility for how I deal with situations without putting another person down.
This incident could have gone so horribly wrong if you had handled it in another way. We can never really tell what is going on in other peoples lives so what right has anyone to place judgement on another? You gave the woman space and it was great to see she came around and recognised it.
It’s true Kevin – a reminder to look beyond the behaviour and bring understanding.
‘We can never really tell what is going on in other peoples lives so what right has anyone to place judgement on another?’ This sums it up quite beautifully, thank you Kevin.
Yeah I really thought that was awesome to really appreciate that people are going through all sorts of hurts and pains that we cannot necessarily see and make sense of their behaviour and when we then judge that behaviour we lose all connection to the truth of their origins, their divinity, but if we stay open all will be revealed. It doesn’t mean you accept abuse but it means you can see all of what is happening.
Thanks so much for writing this blog Anna, it really made me look at how judgemental I really am. I can’t stand thieves I have to say but from now on I will try not to be so judgemental and focus on my livingness instead.
That is such a great experience to share Anna. I also work in retail and sometimes people just want to vent etc.. I used to get wound up by it but now often see through why they are being the way they are so have an understanding and thus I do not react or I say hang on a second I have done nothing wrong please do not treat me like this and that usually gets them to stop for a moment! No one has the right to abuse anyone in any circumstance.
What stands out in this blog is how the relationship from the start between Anna and the customer was based on mutual dishonesty. As Anna says that she had a feeling there was theft happening, but remained silent until there was no way she could avoid the issue. And for the customer, she was developing a friendly relationship with Anna, all the while knowing that she was stealing right in front of her. It makes sense then that at some point there was going to be confusion and hurt, because what was happening was an unsustainable relationship. However, what is beautiful to read is how Anna took the reigns of her own emotions and was able to turn the relationship around, bringing it back to the simplicity of two people who still have much to learn, but who are equal in their journeys. Thank you Anna for an incredible blog.
I love what you are pointing out here Shami. In the end it always comes back to taking the responsibility we have to the littlest detail.
Observation is certainly the key here Danna, and what I have also experienced alongside of this is allowing another space.
‘It is simply for me to choose to live it or not, and to allow others also this same choice.’ Wow thank you Anna for exposing how imposing it is to judge others if they do not act with honesty (or any other trait that we deem essential for others to have) and how letting go of these judgements expands all our interactions/relationships.
There is so much in this blog Anna which stands out for me. One thing in particular was that the lady came back to apologise and was feeling how uncomfortable it was every time she came into the store, and that she valued your connection enough to clear the air. Most people in this situation would avoid speaking or avoid the shop all together – it’s good that she did not hang onto the reaction too long.
And a testament to the relationship you had already built with her, Anna, along with the way you are letting the outburst and ongoing situation be a growing and learning, rather than a shut door.
Yes very true Julie, it shows the grace that we are given when we are allowed to learn and grow in our own time.
Indeed there is a real allowing shown in this situation which unfolded at the customer’s own time.
Thank you for sharing this Anna, I can really feel lately how fiercely I have held onto the past choices I have made and that others make. It feels horrible in the body to feel such tension and creates so much disharmony and chaos and dis-ease in life. The only place I have found that makes sense of all of this and allowed me to be open to being aware of this daily plague has been through the teachings of Universal Medicine and The Way of the Livingness. I am the one holding my body tense by my choices to do so and my choices can likewise be made in the letting go. When I stop to claim that I chose to experience what I experience in life the spinning and blaming is cut dead. And then I can again choose, to believe that there are excuses and barriers in the way of me letting go or just let go. The latter is a body movement rather than a mental exercise.
I agree Leigh Matson, the letting go is a body movement, a surrender to allow the love we hold deep with in to fill our bodies. No longer needing to hold tense against anything that has transpired in the past, instead a sense of love and understanding floods our body and our minds.
Beautiful Anna, and thank you so much for sharing this, I am blessed, because I know what you have written is our answer to all our woes , hurts, issues and problems. We have to stay open to each other , and especially when we have felt hurt. As if we do , we have no problems. And for sure that includes letting go of the hurts we have held against people.
It only takes one person to choose love and this will naturally pull the other eventually towards love too. Love is the answer, there is no other way. We can delay being love by staying in our reactions, or we can choose love in every situation.
Donna, I really felt your words “It only takes one person to choose love and this will naturally pull the other eventually towards love too.” and it seems it may truly be as simple as that – to just ‘be’ the love that we are.
So true, holding on to our hurts serves no one, least of all our selves. Staying open and letting others see and feel us will make such a difference as if offers others the possibility and the opportunity to do the same; it is not for us to judge if they do or don’t, as we do not know what ripple effect our openness may have in the overall.
When I think about it I hold onto those hurts so tightly yet don’t see really how much of humanity are open and trustworthy. To let go of those hurts and see where I set myself up for disappointment is the key of letting others in more.
Yes, I agree Danna, beautifully expressed.
“I am starting to let others in once again and to let myself out” and I felt to share – To let the world feel all of me not just the selected parts I choose once in a while.
And Marion making another addition of ..and not to only a select few. When we say others this includes everyone. This is something I am learning.
Well said Marion, to let out all of us and not chooose how much and with whom, but to be part of the all with the all that we are.
Beautiful to read your experience Anna, I too would have found it hard not to go into reaction in a situation like that but it is great to have that knowing of why we react to other peoples hurts and how we can then start to let those reactions go and stay open to them. On a grander scale this approach is badly needed for us as a humanity to stop repeating the same mistakes and stop posturing that we are big and strong when as a race of beings we are fragile and respond best to deep nurturing care.
This is a beautiful Stephen, “stop posturing that we are big and strong when as a race of beings we are fragile and respond best to deep nurturing care.” Thank you.
Amazing sharing Anna and so many ‘lessons of life’ that you have expressed so openly with us all. In the past I’ve allowed myself to get quite involved in discussions/situations that I felt did not have the desired outcome that I felt it should have. But on whose say so? I allowed first judgement to step in then went into reaction taking on board the negative energy (absorbed not observed) and felt quite exhausted, hurt and blown over by the whole thing. Left wondering ‘what happened there!’ What you experienced really shares ‘the power of letting go’ “letting go of our held hurts and judgements and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding”.
‘I am starting to let others in once again, and to let myself out. I have reconnected to my very deep love of people and of humanity and this for me is everything.’ Is that not what life is all about, people? There is such a joy in letting people in and to let myself out, it is as if the sun is shining everyday.
And just as the sun shines every day – behind clouds or not – we are all always interacting with everybody. It kind of makes sense therefore to be letting ourselves out and letting others in, clearing the hurts and reactions out of the way as soon as possible.
I love the expression ‘I let myself out’ ; in the past I always thought it was about letting others in, it never occured to me to ‘let myself out’ so to speak, and reading it here, it makes so much sense and it brought a huge smile to my face reading it.
I find it really beautiful how you are a check out worker and fully claiming and enjoying your job. So many who work in jobs like yours feel that it is ‘just a job’ but the joy you have for it literally jumps off the screen!
Thank you Anna. When we witness a crime and judge the person for their action we lose connection with the person. You show clearly that when we let go of the judgement we allow space for the person to be open and there is a healing for both and allows the relationship to build to a deeper level.
Yes Mary, Anna shows us all the power of staying present, and not letting past experiences affect what is there in front of us in the moment we are in.
Thanks Anna, there are lots to comment and appreciate with what you have shared. One thing is that I found it great what happened, even though it ‘got messy’ with someone screaming in the middle of a supermarket still that is far more honest than everyone playing the game of being nice to each other when really we would like to express more than what we do. I know this by first hand experience and expressing far outweighs the temporary relief of not doing so. AND everyone benefits and gets the inspiration to stop holding back, stop holding people at ransom when really we have a lot of responsibility ourselves to express and clear any form of disharmony when there is any.
‘From this awareness, I could see that I have a need and expectation for others to be honest, and that whilst this is a trait that I value, I cannot impose that others live this. It is simply for me to choose to live it or not, and to allow others also this same choice.’ Judging ourselves and thus others is so common. What you say here Anna and not only the ones I have chosen to repeat ,but your blog in itself, is giving us a true way forward. When we start with ourselves becoming aware of what we are holding onto and impose on others the world start to change just because we start to allow our love come first which brings the understanding you so beautifully have shared in your example.
And the fact that you didn’t judge the woman in the supermarket allowed you both to get to the incredible point that you did, which was a deeply loving moment of connection between two people. And it is those moments that we all crave, the meeting of another on a deep level, a sharing, a connection, a moment where we recognise ourselves in another, a moment of confirmation and affirmation. Beautiful, this is what life’s all about.
You have offered many golden moments here Anna. One for me was the recognition of when we are holding back because we don’t want to upset other people. While I have known of this for some time and made changes, I realised this week that I was still holding back when I was feeling great and others around me weren’t doing so well at the time. I felt that if I stood out and claimed how I was feeling that I would upset them. Then I had a light bulb moment when I realised how dishonest this actually was. I was only colluding with the whole set up by downplaying myself when the most supportive action for others required me to hold the level I was at, not drop it. Thank you – I know I will be back for re-read.
Ive realised that this is something I have done too Helen. By not holding back there is always the possibility that others are going to react and its the reaction that I would avoid at all costs. By holding back not only do others miss out on the truth that I can bring, and by not expressing creates a tension in my body.
What stuck me in the last part of you blog Anna is the surrendering to the truth for both of you, and that in that surrendering there was a great healing taking place through the surrendering to the fact that we are all equally sensitive and precious beings and to not judge each other on our behaviour.
How cool to acknowledge, accept and appreciate all of our sensitivity. Can we then get to a place where we interact with everyone with the utmost care and respect?
I agree Nico, the healing that happened in that short conversation is priceless and oozes with a sense of equalness. It is felt that in the moment of the lady apologising that between her and Anna there was a timelessness, where there was the space to be fully accepting of each other and the unsaid sense that “you are just like me”. This I find beautiful.
I love this Nico – “…the fact that we are all equally sensitive and precious beings and to not judge each other on our behaviour.” Knowing and applying this knowing to our daily lives can then bring so much more love, and healing can be on offer for all, just awesome.
Indeed developing that capacity to observe and not react to other’s behaviour that does not meet my picture of what it should look like.
Must of had a similar week Monica as this resonates very much for me too. I’ve realised that because of judgements I hold, it then clouds my thoughts and I allow abuse and don’t speak up to it with the authority that I would if I brought understanding and let go of the judgement. I agree – “Anything else is just a useless distraction and an abuse.”
What a gorgeous turn around Anna. Judgement pollutes our view of another and keeps us hard and controlled. Bringing understanding to situations and people feels like a breath of fresh air again and everyone has more space to just be. I’ve felt like I’ve held myself in a fortress when I’ve held on to judgement and of course the other person or groups as well. Thank you Anna for sharing the miracles that can happen when we see another for who they are.
As I read your comment Monica, I could feel how I have been so invested in all sorts of things in the world being a certain way and all that does is prevent me from bringing true understanding to those many things. With any investment my supposed understandings will always be coloured, narrowed and unable to see the whole picture. Also as you have shared it’s allows me not see my own part or the learnings that I may have in a situations. Anna’s blog is so gorgeous as it shows exactly what the effects of judgement are as well as the healing that is available when we are open and understanding of others.
Very true Jennifer and the key does seem to be our own self-reflection as we have no control over anyone else’s choices. It would not have mattered if the shopper had never spoken to Anna again, since Anna had taken the opportunity to reflect on her part and had grown so much through it in herself and her relationships.
Yes, we can only ever be responsible for our part in any interaction and how we choose to react or respond to situations. A beautiful example here in Anna’s blog.
I too feel there is an enormous opportunity to let others in more, not just see what I want to see but be open to feel and see it all and bring a deeper level of understanding to relationships.
Anna I am pleased that you shared your story. We often do not want to accept or acknowledge the judgments that we hold on others as well as ourselves. Your story shows the incredible power and also humbleness of what happens when we do.
So true Jennifer, and Anna’s sharing offers an awesome learning for us all, honing our awareness to the hidden little judgments so that we can really be onto it when they arise.
I agree Jennifer, it can be hard to acknowledge that we judge people. But as shown in the blog, what can occur when we let them go and stop hold people to ransom for their pervious actions, willing to be understanding and open to the fact that people have bad days and make bad choices
“I have a need and expectation for others to be honest”- Anna I too am aware that I expect honesty from others and when it doesn’t happen I get very upset or disappointed. I realise that this is an ideal and life is not like this.
Acceptance and understanding is the key.
I too expect honesty from others, and am discovering that there is an important balance between calling out lies, manipulations and deceitfulness in others, but also not becoming disappointed due to my own expectations of a relationship or situation playing out differently according to how I want it to.
I actually don’t expect honesty from others, in fact I expect dishonesty because that’s what we have all based our entire lives on. None of us are living lives of absolute truth, sure we may have moments of it but do we live the truth of who we all are, no, no we don’t, because if we did we would be living life as the Consciousness of God that we all are and we’re not.
Anna I loved your article – so honest and something most of us can relate to. I had a recent incident where I was being honest and expressed my opinion of how I saw some interactions, which resulted in being verbally attacked/abused by someone who had reacted to what I expressed and then proceeded to target others. The whole incident escalated and ended with many being very upset and shocked. I felt to personally address this with the reactive person the following day, not from blame but from truth and was allowed to speak, without being interrupted and was heard. They responded by writing a letter to everyone regretting their abusive behaviour.
I learnt from this that it is important to remain true, and not be intimidated. In giving people space they have time to reflect on their own behaviour and learn from this . Having a greater understanding as to what occurred and why, and then accepting that we are all human and make mistakes deepened our connection.
What a completely gorgeous blog Anna. Holding ourselves and others to past choices is so poisonous and yet we persist with this when we are attempting to protect our hurts. Your experience shows that true healing is only possible when we let the walls down.
Very true Leonne. And in order to let down those walls, we need to first be very honest as to how and why we built them in the first place.
I agree Leonne holding ourselves and others to past choices is so damaging and doesn’t allow for the letting go that needs to occur so that a true healing is possible. It’s not about condemnation or forgiveness, but simply being willing to have clarity and understanding and be open to accepting the love that resides equally within us all and when we do that there is no possibility to hold onto judging our fellow humans. We are all equal, sometimes we may not like a behaviour but that is something done and not who we are.
Great share Anna! I work at Centrelink where people coming in are often fragile and this is not always expressed in a way that that is tender – it can come out as anger and and even aggression.
As you have so beautifully pointed out – when we let go of our ideals and judgement of how others should be, we see and read what is actually going on for people, and in letting life in we can respond with understanding and appreciation of the choices made by them, and our own choices to be one with humanity in all its colourful glory.
Lovely Lily – what a wonder-full thing to work towards – “…be one with humanity in all its colourful glory.” You expressed this really so well that it is totally feelable!
Anna, thank you for your blog. It clearly shows how we can learn so much from difficult situations and if we don’t judge ourselves or others for the choices that we make, we can move forward without holding ourselves to ransom.
I love that Sandra: “…if we don’t judge ourselves or others for the choices that we make, we can move forward without holding ourselves to ransom.” so true and everything feels so much lighter.
Absolutely Sandra, as when we remain true to ourselves and whatever it be that we may pick up on in others and (for that matter) ourselves – without judgment, whether it is something we want to see or not, we offer space needed to clear whatever may be there that isn’t true.
‘Allowing myself (and others) the space and grace to make mistakes and simply to be be human’. This feels so very loving. Judgment of self and others is a sure way to bring in harsh and critical thoughts. Thank you for sharing how staying open and allowing understanding and acceptance has played out Anna, with deepening connection to yourself and your other relationships.
Ditto, Megan, in your appreciation of Anna and the inspiration of the knock on effects of her staying open, working responsibly with what was on offer to learn and then sharing all that has happened since.
“I have a need and expectation for others to be honest”. Anna, this is a great insight, for such ideals blind us to reality and we then stop ourselves feeling what is really going on.
I agree with you Sandra, whenever we need others to have a certain quality we value high, we actually judge them to be lesser than us, and with that, that they have to change themselves before we will give them our love and attention. We make ourselves superior to the other and believe that we do not have to take our responsibility in the whole as we put that completely with the other.
Nico I love what you have shared – “whenever we need others to have a certain quality we value high, we actually judge them to be lesser than us, and with that, that they have to change themselves before we will give them our love and attention” . . . imagine how often this happened in one day . . . there is so much to be looked at – thanks that people like Anna gave us the reflection to do so.
I felt it was important to share this awareness as many people would see nothing wrong with expecting others to be honest, as this is a valued quality in society. But when it comes with a need (so we don’t get hurt) and an expectation, this energy adds complication to the situation. I find it creates a lot of ease to know that people will come to their own understanding in their own way and timing.
Great clarification Fiona, putting a distinction on the honesty makes it crystal clear.
The pictures we carry in life stop us from living true. In every circumstance when complexity is felt, there is a picture obstructing the simplicity from the heart. Whenever a picture is carried, it sets us up for disappointment when this picture is not being fulfilled, and to have a picture fulfilled the relationship with others is also tainted with need. We live in a world where images make up our existence, but life is actually about returning to being free of images, and so the relationship we have with life and others come from our a relationship we have with the movement of our own quality. The Way of the Livingness is an inspiring and only way to freely live.
Well said Adele. Pictures of how we should be create complexity that obscures the simplicity of the heart. I have been playing with dropping my images lately. While it feels incredibly unifying within myself and with others and very freeing, to my spirit it feels like falling without a safety net. I must believe the pictures give me some kind of security or control and yet it is me who is being controlled!
You expressed so beautifully here Fiona, as if you painted a picture “Pictures of how we should be create complexity that obscures the simplicity of the heart. ” I can totally picture what that would look like and it is much much easier to let the heart shine then spending energy on obscuring what is meant to be shared.
Gosh same for me Fiona – the feeling of falling without a safety net is a tricky one…. I am at the stage of struggling to let go and am currently holding on way too tight….
Letting go of the images we have about how life should be is so freeing because as you say even if they are fulfilled the relationships are ‘tainted with need’. I love how you bring it back to the ‘relationship we have with the movement of our own quality’. The simplicity of feeling and moving in truth is everything.
Yes we are only ever really free to choose when we are no longer dominated by the pictures or images we have held.
Anna I can really relate to your sharing here about your experience of another not living to the general expectations of social behaviour coupled with the expansion of love within as judgement subsequently was discarded. A few weeks back I had a situation where I sat with a cup of tea in a shopping mall only to immediately being faced with a small child of about 7 being aggressively verbally attacked with such profanity I have not heard before, and coming from the mother, only to be exacerbated by two other relatives physically grappling with this young child to restrain it from running away. I immediately jumped into judgement and so wanted to intervene, instead, getting hotter and extremely agitated and anxious, looking for a security guard. As the moments passed I felt like I was going to explode with indecision, only for the child to break free with three grown women chasing her up the escalators. Not long afterwards on pondering the situation I realized if I had retained my connection with myself and simply observed the scenario such aggression may not have escalated to the point that it reached. Interesting lesson.
I do not know exactly what will happen when we change the quality of our being, but I do know the profound effect one person in stillness can have in a room full of people. I have observed this many times, the energetic domino effect that occurs. So often we feel we have to act or do something, but when it comes from reaction and judgment it will not have any healing quality at all.
Really excellent point here one that I will benefit greatly from remembering!
That’s a really interesting point you’ve made Roberta and not one that I would have been aware of had you not expressed it in the way you have – the power of us retaining our connection in circumstances like these and the effect it can have on others and situations. Although in considering this I can feel times when that’s exactly what’s occurred.
Anna, I absolutely love the honesty and rawness of this sharing, it was very powerful to read of your experience but also to know how we allow judgement of self and others to impact upon the relationships with have with both ourselves and those around us. I too have recently been letting go of this and have found all my relationships have been benefitting. We are human and are not perfect and to allow ourselves and others this space to be is amazingly freeing. Thank you for sharing your amazing blog it is quite healing and profound.
Thank you Anna, what beautiful reading and very much appreciate your sharing.
incredibly insightful sharing, Anna. There is so much too learn from this – from staying open, to creating space for others to come to the same understanding you might have.
In fact, what you’ve shared is the key to healing hurts, letting people in and restoring true relationships between all….
So true, this deep hurt of having stepped away from ourselves as the love that we are and then dropping at times into blaming others for not loving us, yet how could that be possible if we first don’t have that loving relationship with ourselves, not judging but gently holding and guiding and accepting us.
Yes we all have a past, some prettier than others but we must not hold each other in that, as we are all capable of change and who we are today and how we are with each other is all that matters.
I have certainly held much judgment in the past, but as I have gradually let go of that pattern, it is amazing how much more spacious I feel in my body. It actually feels quite beautiful to just observe how another is behaving, and no longer feel any judgment, but far more understanding of why that person may be using that behaviour. Yes, Rosie, as you say, “we are all capable of change and who we are today and how we are with each other is all that matters”.
Exactly. We all can change the pattern of judgement of self and others and instead observe and understand what is being played out. Even if we slip into the old pattern on occasions, by reflecting on what has happened and seeing it as a whoops moment we can again reclaim that lovely feeling of spaciousness that is felt we when accept others as they are.
Yes exactly and even that might change ‘tomorrow’ and we move on with who we are then and how we are with others, a continuously evolving process.
Very true Rosie, I witness that capacity for people to change every day and I am truly inspired by how quickly things can ‘turn around’ for those who choose to understand why they behave in a particular way. I had to relax on myself and my expectations of myself for me to be able to appreciate the depth of that potential though. We simply make choices.
I would add to this that it is not even who we are today as we may be acting from our past hurts in a way that is not who we truly are. What is important is that we don’t judge another for their behaviour or how they are, have any expectation on them and that we allow them space to make their own choices.
Great comment Rosie, I often hold people to ransom for how they were in the past, because of my hurts, not allowing myself to see that they have changed and not behaving in the old way anymore.
Such a great awareness and willingness to see this. This is not super common Thomas to be that open. It can be so easy, or maybe it’s convenient and comfortable to box people in instead of having an open mind and letting them present themselves for how they are at any given point in time.
When you take into consideration the fact that we have all had thousands of lives before it makes it clear that none of us have pasts ‘prettier than others’. We have all done despicable things to one another, all of us and so judging anyone in the fleeting nano second of now is completely and utterly arbitrary.
Exactly Fiona, when we judge, we are saying that is all there is to another… rather than seeing the true essence first as the unshakeable foundation of who they are, just not always expressed in full. This creates a space in which understanding is possible, as with Anna’s example.
I love that Jenny: “when we judge, we are saying that is all there is to another”. Lately I have been practicing trying to see past certain behaviours of people and not hold them to that behaviour. If I go into judgement I’m gone. But if I step back, observe and ponder on why they may be acting that way, then I am able to see more of the person.
When we have our own undulate with hurts, its very easy to quickly go into judgment. A big learning to not judge ourselves or react to our own choices so that we can be like this with others.
‘ A big learning to not judge ourselves or react to our own choices’, is absolutely key Kristy, in developing open and non-judging relationships with others.
This is a lovely story Anna, and it is so special when we don’t hold people out and away from us because of one instance. Like the woman shared, she had lots going on for her, and it doesn’t make it okay, but with an understanding it can change everything. She must of felt really supported by you to be able to approach you and appologize and would have felt such a relief afterwards.
It is true that so often we put people at a distance because of one experience. However quite often what happens as in the instance shared by Anna is that this is just the end result of other chaos before it so we just experience a small snapshot of the whole. Usually what follows is we react as we do not have this complete understanding, so yes that it is special Anna was able to approach this experience differently and everyone grows along the way.
It clearly took so much courage to say sorry. I am deeply appreciative of that opportunity with others and from others. It should be our normal, but as it is not, creating the space for us each to learn is fertile ground for growth.
Stunning example Anna of the magic that happens when we drop judgment and allow understanding and love with ourselves and others.
Very beautifully expressed Jenny, magic indeed!
No matter what we do in life, this blog shows me that we always have opportunities presented to us to learn and deepen our understanding of people and of ourselves. And sometimes we fight that tooth and nail and other times we open and surrender to what is being presented.
Well said, Sarah. The opportunity to learn and ‘deepen our understanding of people and ourselves’ is always there. Do we resist or welcome this? If we accept that this question is always there for us to answer, then we start to live with the fact that we always, always have a choice.
Yes true Sarah, how we respond makes a world of difference to every situation. Thank you Anna for sharing what is possible when we hold ourselves and others with love.
This opened a door for me, Anna, for in reading this I can feel that I still hold a few people in judgement for not making the same choices I have. Effectively, I’ve been holding them to ransom, waiting for them to “catch up” which I can see is a terrible arrogance. I’ve also learnt through the teachings of Serge Benhayon, that simply accepting and trying to understand others as they are, can free up those relationships greatly, enabling more honesty and genuine care to be expressed. Thank you for sharing a story that has taken several months to unfold its teachings.
I appreciated this too Peta, that it was not an instant thing but it took time to unfold the learning and healing for both people. We have come to accept things as instant and sometimes this isn’t always how things are.
Very true Kristy, our relationships are there to ever evolve us, there is always more for us to deepen, more understanding, more honesty, more expression, and around and around again. Right now reading your response (along with all of the responses to this blog), I can feel a deeper appreciation swelling inside of me for all those in my life committed to this process. My friends, family, partner, children, everyone.
Great point Kristy, we often need space to stop reacting, deal with the hurt and come to a new understanding through accepting the healing being offering in various situations.
“from this awareness, I could see that I have a need and expectation for others to be honest, and that whilst this is a trait that I value, I cannot impose that others live this. It is simply for me to choose to live it or not, and to allow others also this same choice.” beautiful — if we don’t expect others to be honest or don’t cast anything out into the world that says “I want this” then it is easier to see the truth. There is greater power in living the truth than separating right from wrong.
Gosh you’re on fire Harrison, wise words indeed!! Maybe my Mums repeated message had some truth to it after all “I want never gets”!! Having so many expectations of how I and others should be does absolutely leave me disappointed, hurt and in reaction with the associated contracted body and a life that is not flourishing… I can see it’s all reflections but have been overwhelmed with how to handle it all. From all the comments on this amazing blog (thanks Anna), I am actually gaining clarity and feel my way forward is to use my expectations/judgements as a marker to instead appreciate myself as a way of letting go of the need for others to be a certain way and instead allowing them to just be wherever they’re at whilst focussing my energy on me and what I bring, because I actually know me and can rely on me and won’t be let down by myself, providing I learn to nurture myself in this way… Thanks all ❤️
That is a beautiful quote and message of truth right there Harrison: ‘There is greater power in living the truth than separating right from wrong.’
This are wise words indeed Harrison. “There is greater power in living the truth than separating right from wrong”…. I find this a constant work in progress for me, to stop casting out wants, but to allow all to be as they are, respectful of their choices and to stay focused on my own.
Amazing how letting go of judgement lets others to feel clarity, and to be reflective of their own choices!
Beautifully said Harrison, I know from my own experience this can be instant, it is as if the drawbridge is dropped down and it feels safe for them to approach. It just shows, however subtle the judgement might seem, it is felt by another.
Indeed, and Anna showed it so beautifully in this sharing, and by not having had an expectation at all in how or if this altercation might get resolved, it actually happened in a true and healing manner.
Great point Harrison
I agree Harrison, amazing what it allows others, but even just feeling the spaciousness it allows us. The freedom in our own bodies when we just let others be. Thats pretty amazing. Not necessarily easy if we are carrying so many expectations and ideals, but amazing all the same.
Wow very good point Harrison – thanks for saying that – that really supports exactly where I’m at right now ❤️
Indeed Harrison – letting go of judgement opens up so much space for the other person to consider their choices. This is so different to reacting and suffocating them with our own beliefs, ‘disappointments’ and opinions about their behaviour, which often leads to anything but an opportunity to look at their decisions with clarity.
Beautiful article Anna! Situations like the one you have described, where there is an argument in public, people are very confronted by and yes it is valid to ask the question, why are their so many onlookers who don’t say anything and pretend like nothing happened afterwards? Humans have settled for a life of comfort and anything that rocks their boat is just not wanted to be contemplated.
I have found it is one of two things, either they just don’t want to get involved, their lives are full and dramatic enough, or they are afraid to get involved, either because the abuse might turn on them or they might have to deal with supporting someone as they cry and talk about the pain. It is too intimate and too confronting. I had to look at my own willingness to get involved to understand why others don’t want to and start being the change myself. I have noticed that the moment I do, others do. Don’t wait for the change, be the change.
That is gorgeous Lucy, ‘don’t wait for the change, be the change.’ That is taking responsibility. And as you say, others will be inspired and follow.
I agree Harrison, so many sit back, they do not want to get involved for fear of being targeted themselves, and in this they do not realise that they are already being hurt. What happens to one affects us all.
Indeed Harrison, we are happy to be the ‘bystander’ of disregard, disharmony and abuse because to get involved would be to stand up for something, which would rock our ‘comfort boat’ and require us to take responsibility.
I have reconnected to my very deep love of people and of humanity and this for me is everything. Anna, this line stood out for me as I am finding the same. More and more when I think about another in appreciation, or even just a passing glance towards someone in the shopping centre, when I have just allowed and let them in, it’s the most beautiful feeling, that deep connection. There is nothing like it. Thank-you for sharing your beautiful experience.
And they feel so awesome these fleeting moments, don’t they? A brief connection made, a quick smile exchanged and particles just expand, so lovely.
Yes the love we hold for ourselves, is the love we hold others in. It makes me want to love (hold) myself in the highest regard and care humanly possible, as then I can bring this to all my brothers….all humanity.
Absolutely Anna. And as expressed here those moments of connection with another are so delicious. We recognise that we are the same, and we are truly one!
I love this Bernadette, and I agree, those moments are truly precious. We need to create the space for more of them with one another.
‘I have come to see that I have been imposing a whole lot onto others in wanting or needing things to be ‘honest’, of ‘integrity’, ‘loving’, ‘truthful’ and ‘harmonious’. And that these things are indeed simply a choice I need to make for myself, and not something I should be demanding of others, and then judging them when they are not met.’ So true Anna. I have realised that most (if not every) time I feel frustrated, let down, disappointed angry, sad, hurt…… it’s because I have had an expectation of the person, or indeed, of the world. Any expectation puts a huge amount onto another to live up to – which is impossible and and you say, leads to judgement, division and separation. The only thing we can practically do is to ensure we live the qualities we would love to feel around us, and have zero expectation of anyone else to do the same.
Yes, Lucy, it is great that you bring up that word ‘expectation’, having expectation of how things should be can be so damaging to us and to those of whom we have great expectations. I have seen how that can play out with someone I have seen with an autistic child. The expectation is that young child will overcome the disability and go on to university and have a very successful career. But that puts such a pressure on that child to live up to that expectation, when really he needs to progress at his own comfortable rate, not have these unlikely expectations put on him. There is no knowing at this point how this child may develop over the years with very gentle, loving, but disciplined care, but the expectation on him leads to much anxiety which becomes quite counter-productive.
And of course, we can have expectations of ourselves, then play out scenarios in our minds of how we SHOULD be, should have said things, etc. How damaging that can be to ourselves when we then go into the judgment of how we did something. Both judgment and expectations are patterns that are great to gradually let go out of our lives, how much lighter our bodies feel when we do that. Such a relief.
So very true: ” Both judgment and expectations are patterns that are great to gradually let go out of our lives, how much lighter our bodies feel when we do that.” It is such a great feeling in the body when we don’t hold this things within, and instead experience so much more joyfullness.
Great points Beverly, when we have expectations of ourselves or another person or situation we are limiting life to unfold in its own way, when our expectations are not met it cause’s frustration in our bodies, I have found the more I let go of my expectations the less frustrated I feel.
Very true Lucy. We need to let go of all our expectations if we are to truly allow others and ourselves to be. I have read the words by Serge Benhayon many times. That ‘love is an observation’, the ability to observe and not absorb, and to notice when our bodies change in response to others shows us that we have these expectations, these criteria that others need to meet in order for us to be ok. This is the control I have come to feel in my body, and letting it go feels very freeing.
A beautifull healing here for all, so many valuable lessons here for us to see, feel and learn. Thank you for sharing ?
I so agree Vicky, an awesome blog with such learnings for all and shared so honestly and beautifully. How could it possibly be anything else but healing <3
What a beautiful blog Anna, the healing and learning you have gone through is an important one for all of us. It’s so easy to hold others to ransom if their behaviour doesn’t live up to our ideals, beliefs, pictures and expectations. Once we drop that we can allow everybody to be where they are at, and know they can always change, as the behaviour is not who they are. We can never really know what is going on for somebody else, what struggles they are dealing with that impact them and trigger those unwanted behaviours. Thanks to the reminder by Serge Benhayon I deeply know that everybody is equally divine, underneath all the facades and seeming differences, as we all come from the same source.
Yes, Esther, that is so important for us to always remember “I deeply know that everybody is equally divine, underneath all the facades and seeming differences, as we all come from the same source”. When we realise that, then we only complicate things when we hold the other in judgment, how much more simple it is to merely observe their behaviour and give them space to come to their own realisations in their own timing.
This is key Beverley, letting a person come to their own realisations in their own time, without us projecting our expectations onto them, as this only seems to fuel the persons reaction and makes matters worse.
Yes Esther, knowing that everyone (including myself) is equally divine makes it much easier to separate the behaviour from the person, and fosters the ability ‘to be and let be’ and to develop understanding.
Thanks Monica, Esther and Beverley; awareness is the most important key for me and the more aware I become the more I feel the need to let go, but it’s still the letting go that I find difficult. I trust that my growing awareness will help me to open up to letting go…
“It’s so easy to hold others to ransom if their behaviour doesn’t live up to our ideals, beliefs, pictures and expectations. Once we drop that we can allow everybody to be where they are at, and know they can always change, as the behaviour is not who they are”.
So true Esther. In the face of abuse (when someone is attacking us in a very obvious manner), I find it difficult to know how to be. Of course it hurts to be at the receiving end of this, but for me the hardest part is in not shutting down to that person, remaining open and fragile with understanding, not taking it personally when the words say otherwise. The understanding that ‘everything is energy’ supports me with this, but sometimes in the moment it is difficult to grasp that. It took some time with the woman in the store, but I sometimes find that when it is someone closer to us, we can allow a build up and be holding onto things we don’t even realise, especially if our expectations on them are higher.
How rife is judgement really? I can see how I have used it to assess/judge what another is doing and thereby not allowing the world to just be by observing it. With this observation and just being me is more powerful energetically by creating more space than any judgement which will actually create a sense of chaos instead of simplicity.
“For me it is now clear that in order for us all to return to who we truly are, we must let go of our held hurts and judgments and approach life and people with honesty, acceptance and understanding. These are what make up the true integrity that is needed to really make a change in this world.” Yes, Anna, it is very important for us to let go of all our hurts and judgments, they hold us back from building true relationships with others. It is understanding that we need to develop, with honesty and acceptance of how other may be, with no judgment required. When we all begin to live our lives this way, what enormous changes can happen in our world. Such harmony.
It makes sense then to heal our hurts as the judgments we hold onto have their foundations in our hurts and the lengths we go to, to protect ourselves. .
Indeed it does make sense to heal our hurts Jennifer. When left unhealed the reactions can occur super fast, often without our conscious awareness I have found.
Agreed
Yes Anne, and to be honest I used to walk around not really being aware of my hurts. They were so deeply buried and covered up by the myriad of reactions I had, it took a while before I even acknowledged they were there. I am sure there are a few more to uncover, but one thing is for sure; I am definitely less judgmental of others now I have a better understanding of myself and how I operate to protect myself from feeling hurt.
I agree Beverley, a lot has changed within me since I started understanding and working on patterns, behaviors and hurts of my own. This has led to a greater understanding of others and makes it so much easier to keep an open heart towards people.
I so agree Beverley, that to be able to live the amazing life that is possible to live we must first let go of all the hurts, judgments and beliefs we stubbornly hold on to which impact so destructively on all our relationships. Holding on to these hurts simply hurts us some more, as well as those around us, therefore everyone is missing out of the harmonious life that is awaiting us; and the first steps to this life come from “honesty, acceptance and understanding”.
Yes Beverley, judging others is continuing the division that separates us, we are all on this return journey together and we will arrive together so why put more obsticles in the way. Appreciation, love, acceptance, understanding and honesty will get us there.
Thank you Anna for such an honest reveal of how we hold others and the rest of society hostage to our expectations and ideals. It is so true that when another behaves in a way contrary to our expectations it can trigger our own reactions and hurts as well. I can relate to being a loyal person and when others whom I have a relationship with behave in a disloyal way I find it easy to judge and dismiss them because this is a way I can protect myself from my hurt. To open up to another and let them back in feels very healing and a great way to address my judgements, as long as I dont accept abuse.
I have had this thing running for most of my life that if I lived a certain way or could do something then surely everyone could and if they didn’t, I would get annoyed with them. As I worked on self appreciation it helped me to not only appreciate many things about myself but also drop my expectation and judgment of another who does not do what I do or live the way I do. It has been very liberating and has allowed me to let people in more.
Great sharing, thanks Nikki
Good tip Nikki – I am in the middle of that place right now – self appreciation…. Consistency is the key with that one!
Agree, Nikki. When I have found something easy, I have expected everyone else to find it easy too. On the flip side, I have become humble about the things I cant do so well, and in allowing others to help me, I have developed understanding and learnt to support people with things I find easy rather that judge them.
This is a great conversation to have. To add, I have found for me in the past, and perhaps there is still some of this running, that if there is something I am good at and another is not, rather then judge them, I have used it to feel better about myself, which I can feel now actually separates and can make another feel less. The truth is we all have our strengths and we don’t own these, they are simply things we have learned along the way, so why would we use these to bring another down, or boost ourselves up. Others have different strengths, and together we have it all, the balance and the capacity for true brotherhood. Thank you all for your sharing here.
This understanding Nikki has supported me in accepting that I have a much needed place in the world, as does everyone else. For what I am great at, another may need support with, while what another is great at, can support where I am not. Each of us has something to bring for everyone.
Beautiful Leigh, what you express here for me is brotherhood. This understanding is gorgeous to hold. Thank you.
Nikki yes it’s easy to stay on our high horse, but very revealing when we get down to look at our part, and I agree… self appreciation has certainly shifted my judgement of others. In deepening my appreciation I have opened up a deeper insight into each persons unique gifts and the honouring the journey they are on.
‘In deepening my appreciation I have opened up a deeper insight into each persons unique gifts and the honouring the journey they are on’. This is gorgeous Merrilee, I can feel the truth of this lived through your words.
Of course, working on self appreciation makes total sense! Thanks for the awesome tip Nikki.
‘To open up to another and let them back in feels very healing and a great way to address my judgements, as long as I dont accept abuse’. Beautiful words her Jennifer, thank you. The not accepting the abuse part is important, and letting people in I am finding is everything. That is all the healing we need, everything is revealed when we do this.
This is beautiful Anna, “letting people in, everything is revealed when we do this.”
We open to letting ourselves and others be and to understanding the choices that we all make. Yet knowing, deeply so, that beneath all the choices we make as human beings lies an essence of divinity that is forever nudging us all to live with it.
Yes Leigh, I know the more I am connecting with people the more I feel we are all becoming aware of the connection we share as one humanity, and people are calling out the divisions that have been set up to have us become complacent and give up. But on the contrary, I’m finding people are speaking out knowing time is up … it’s time for a world where we live in harmony. I know people are feeling the collective nudge to claim the divinity within, and an equalness for all human beings.
Another beautiful comment Merrilee. ‘I know people are feeling the collective nudge to claim the divinity within, and an equalness for all human beings’, I agree, and with the support of Universal Medicine and its teachings, we will all find our way back.
I appreciate that we are even discussing judgement and self appreciation and letting people in! These are conversations that do not occur in many workplaces as Anna experienced! Only one really cared about her when she was abused. Imagine meeting as a staff and discussing the possibilities of lack of judgement after this incident occurred!
Absolutely Bernadette – imagine the huge shift in how humanity could relate to each other just by simply being open to engage in this discussion.
I do also Bernadette. I have been able to see so much more in how I am with myself and others through the comments on this blog it is truly a blessing. We all have so much to offer, and when we are able to appreciate what it is we bring, and let others in and their unique offerings, we can truly grow and evolve together.
“To open up to another and let them back in feels very healing and a great way to address my judgements, as long as I don’t accept abuse.” I know how I used to be and if someone hurt me I would shut them out and this could be for good. Letting people in is the key to having a relationship with them. It provides support to yourself in understanding what the issue is, to let go of your hurt and also from the great revelation above showing them it is not about axes and swords its about relationships first and foremost and the responsibility we all have in love.
Anna, a beautiful sharing here of your experience of stealing by a customer in your work as a ‘check-out chick’. I love how you have explained your journey in dealing with judgment in your life, and how as you let go of judgment of others, increased your understanding and opened yourself up more and more with everyone, your relationships changed dramatically. It is obvious that as you changed yourself, then this customer that you had previously charged with stealing felt confident enough to approach you a long time later, and apologise for her behaviour to you. What an amazing result, showing how when you used your understanding and stopped judging others, this woman was able to take this step, a healing for her.
Hi Beverley, thank you for what you shared here. I feel also that it was the delicate way in which I held myself around her, showing her I wasn’t going to close down to her no matter what, that allowed her to approach me in the end. It took a while for me to be able to do this as the hardness and protection wanted to keep running me, until I made the choice to let that go.
Yep so true Beverley, if we look at our part in something (everything!) and are willing to stay open then this gives space for others to do the same. This was a beautifull healing that both Anna and the customer received.
It is nothing short of profound to feel the impact letting go of judgements both on ourselves and others. Even wanting whats best for another can be imposing.
Well said Abby and even though I am beginning to understand this more and more, I know that I still have a long way to go.
Thank you for sharing your experience Anna. I am sure most of us have had a similar experience and it can be a great opportunity to really reflect on how we are being with people. I have been using the way my body feels to alert me to when I am in judgment or have expectations about other people. I find I have so much more space in my body when I don’t judge and allow people to make their choices without my reactions getting in the way and creating further complications. I find my body is the only way to be honest, as the ideas I have of how things ‘should’ be are so pervasive it is hard to catch them at times.
So true Fiona, they are really hard to catch at times, as they can be so very quick. And to use our body as the marker of truth is a great way to feel first and adjust accordingly.
Yes Fiona, ‘space and grace’ to learn. We have been conditioned to expect things of other people, loyalty being one. This person is my friend, they would never do that to me. This instance shows that people behave in different ways depending on their circumstances, and sometimes in ways they would not normally. Space and grace brings understanding and has certainly allowed me a moment to be able to feel if I have an expectation of the person who is behaving in a way I had not expected. It doesn’t make abuse ok but definitely helps to detach from the abuse being as deeply personal. It allows more space for support from others.
‘I find I have so much more space in my body when I don’t judge and allow people to make their choices without my reactions getting in the way and creating further complications’. This says it all for me Fiona, thank you.
Yes same for me too Anna, and I appreciate what Anna (is that you?) says in her blog that it is your own choice to live what you know without imposing that on others.
Wow thank you for sharing Fiona – an awesome reminder that true wisdom comes from our bodies and not our minds. “I find I have so much more space in my body when I don’t judge and allow people to make their choices without my reactions getting in the way and creating further complications. I find my body is the only way to be honest, as the ideas I have of how things ‘should’ be are so pervasive it is hard to catch them at times.”
Great reflection Fiona. ‘ I find I have so much more space in my body when I don’t judge’ It’s true, judgement doesn’t feel good at all, and separates us from others. It has a subtle way of creeping in, if we’re not vigilant. Thank you for reminding us to pay attention to our incredible internal alarm system that tells us when we’re judging others. The body knows: listen and and feel first, the choice of what to do, is always left with us.
I really love what you share here Fiona and its so true. Our bodies speak a thousand words if we listen. It took a long time for me to be able to settle in my body when the woman in question would walk in to the store. All sorts of emotions presented and my body to tighten immediately. I had to work really hard to not entertain the emotion and the thoughts that were coming in,, and to really let myself feel her, her essence. Its not always this way with people as I find some people harder to get through to, those that don’t want to connect, but this woman wasn’t like that. I could see the humanity in her eyes and this was what I kept connecting to.
Thanks Fiona, for the reminder of always bringing it back to the body.
Anna – what is amazing is that like anything you had a choice – to see her the next time she came in as a thief who has betrayed you – or to look beyond that, see what was behind her actions and appreciate her for the woman she is. And what a gift for you both simply because you choose to not hold onto what she had done but rather make who she was more important, and for her to come back into the store and not run and hide. The relationship you now both have and the way you see each other is in complete love and respect instead of resentment and awkwardness. How absolutely beautiful that there is nothing we need to hold onto and if we do it holds us back.
Wow Hannah I love how You expressed that. This is so beauty-full and confirming to Anna’s amazing sharing here.
This is a brilliant and simple reminder Fiona to rely on the body, judgments and reactions are considered quite normal in our lives so we may not even be aware they are present.
It is the space that judgement takes up in the body that holds me back Fiona! So true that spaciousness is created when I allow others to be themselves and take responsibility for themselves! There is true liberation in doing so.
Love your honesty Michelle and can totally relate to what you have shared. I too know there is still a way to go with this but it is such an important and very rewarding journey on many levels.
What you share is great Fiona – letting our bodies be the barometer and becoming familiar with how it feels to have space in the body. I find tenderness helps as well as being honest when I notice hardness, tension and bracing.
This is a great call Michelle knowing because there can be judgement with yourself it will be there with others. I find it can happen in flash that I have not felt it come in so can be fooled thinking I hold no judgement. I am learning however this is not always the case and what you have shared confirms this – thank you.
Yes Fiona self awareness here is key.
Absolutley agree Michelle. There is only judgement of another if we have judgement of ourselves. We simply do not like to see that reflected back to us so use it as a way to make us feel better about ourselves, which in actual fact is a really ugly thing to do. I too am finding that the more i accept who I am, the more I am able to just accept others for who they are without judgement. It is so much simpler and becomes an opportunity to celebrate each other instead : )) And that is gorgeous to feel!
I find the same Fiona. The mind can be very quick to lie, but the more present we are with our body the more we can feel the change and energy we need to go into to be dishonest and irresponsible. What I find even more interesting is that we can feel all of this in our body and yet we can also bring in more energy to numb it, bury it and essentially not be aware of it. All of which we are choosing, whether we are aware of it or not.
This is a great practical example Anna of how judgment clouds open interaction between people. I’m inspired to continue to look at the subtle ways judgement and lack of understanding plays out in my own life.
I can relate to this too Suzanne and have to put my hand up to this on many occasions where my own reaction has stopped me from bringing true understanding to a situation. I love the reminder this blog provides to revisit where this is still happening in my interactions and what is there to deepen in order to keep letting people in…
I agree Angela, the blog really does invite us to do this.
I really feel this to, it is inspiring and perfect timing to read since over the last few days I have felt there is a deeper level I can go in both loving myself and deeply loving, appreciating and accepting others.
I really appreciate the reminder too Angela – it’s so important to look at where our judgements (of ourselves and others) prevent us from “bringing true understanding to a situation”.
Me too Suzanne, how insidious are they at times, quick to appear and one has to be really vigilant to catch them too.
I also agree how judgment clouds our view of the world, and what effect this can have on everyone to become more insular to each other. By being aware of this insidious thought process that plants a seed within us, allows us to pull the weed from our garden before it flowers and creates more seeds.
I love your analogy Steve – “By being aware of this insidious thought process that plants a seed within us, allows us to pull the weed from our garden before it flowers and creates more seeds.” It sums it up perfectly.
Have you ever wondered how someone could have such an extreme view, attitude and action? It started out as a small seed, possibly inconspicuous but definitely insidious. If we allow these thought processes to grow wild and unattended, pretty soon there is more weeds of evil than there is well kept garden.
I felt this too Suzanne – a great example of how we simply need to remember that the sun is always shining above the clouds.
Yes Suzanne, me too. We can be so quick to judge another and the moment we do that we are not getting a clear picture of the true essence of that person. We start projecting our own thoughts and ideas onto them, often preventing the blossoming of something that has the possibility to be very beautiful and deeply loving. And then both parties miss out.
I am inspired too Suzanne, we may think that we are non-judgemental overall, perhaps in comparison to what we see as very judgemental in life, but what Anna shares shows us just how fine the details are of what we hold over ourselves and of others when we hold any picture at all.