When my daughter was born I could feel that the most precious gift came into my life.
I could feel her beauty and I also felt that her being my daughter was and would be an amazing support in my life. Me then, a person with no trust, started to develop trust that there must be something good about me – otherwise she, this beautiful angel, would not have been born as my daughter.
When I held her for the first time, I could feel that she is just her own being. She was and is not mine, not MY daughter in the way I thought it would be. That was a strange and kind of shocking thing to feel. Not what I was used to, and not at all what I had expected – which was to hold a baby I could bond with in and through my emotions, feeling her close in that way.
For the world we had a great relationship, we almost never fought in all the 20+ years. We had fun together. But the mother-daughter relationship I had with my daughter often became about my needs anyway and thus I did everything for her, so she would love me, stay with me and never leave me. So what I did for her was not from true love but from my need that demanded of her to fill the emptiness I was feeling inside.
Her love I used for filling the lack of love in me and I did the same with friends and partners and with everything I did for people…. just to fill my own emptiness.
Letting go of the Cords Between Mother and Daughter
Over time I started to understand that there is another way…. it was not easy, but I began to unlock from my daughter. I realised that our relationship had been largely based on need and control, and that for it to be based on true love, that I had to let her go, I had to break the cord.
I had to find my way to reconnect with my own joy and beauty.
When I was introduced to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I learned the Gentle Breath Meditation: this very simple exercise was a huge tool for me and I did this meditation a few times every day. I started to feel my connection to my body instead of being always in my head. Then I deepened this new experience with Esoteric Yoga, an esoteric healing modality, and became more friends with my own body, the connection within me. I also started to meet great loving people who supported me in this re-discovery of who I am. It was the magnetic pull from deep within me that asked for more truth in my life. Those people inspired me by their reflection of truth and love so that I became more aware of my deeply ingrained patterns which were keeping me away from loving me. This enabled me to let go more and more of the old ways.
And then life made it simple for me when my daughter decided to travel overseas for a year. When she left there was no other choice than to feel more of the hidden patterns that came to the surface. I would walk outside and feel the joy that finally my life was about me again, not about caring for a child. I could also feel that I had been manipulating her with emotions to keep her close, so that she would need me. I did that by ‘taking care of her very well’ – I did everything for her. I took care much better of her than of myself, with clothes, money and everything. Not from love, but because she would then like to be with me and not leave me. I could clearly feel that holding onto her like this was so poisoning for our relationship. Deep painful feelings came to the surface.
Building a Mother-Daughter Relationship – Based on True Love
Since that time we have been building a true relationship of love. We are friends, very good friends; she is my best friend. We share, we cry, we laugh, we are true together. We don’t need each other, but we love being together. Together, we both feel blessed. It is not about my daughter filling my emptiness anymore because I started to be full in my body, feeling my own love.
My daughter and I are now very supportive of each other when confronted with the challenges of life and we keep working on the small things that are left between us, where we keep each other in comfort or dependency patterns. We know now that that is not love and we observe, nominate and let go of these cords as soon as we become aware of them.
We can now sit together and look at each other, and we enjoy so much looking in each other’s eyes, we then feel true intimacy. Sometimes there is a little shyness, but mostly there is a big smile when looking deeply in each other’s eyes, sharing the beauty we are and reflecting that to each other. And I can feel my love now in me and express that deep sweet love to her.
What I Learnt from our Mother-Daughter Relationship
I saw and learned that …
- It is all about how much I TRULY love me and that this level of love will then be there for all others equally
- There is no truth in loving one person more than another in life, so in truth I cannot love my daughter more than anyone else
- It is impossible to say, “I love my daughter” if in the same moment I don’t feel the love for my neighbour, for example
- Love is love, it is how much I let it out
- Love is there for all and it is the same, no conditions, nothing to get back or out of it
- The moment I feel more love towards one person than another, I know now the way to go is to reconnect back to the love within.
And our love is building every day and our mother-daughter relationship is deepening the more I become honest about how I truly feel in my body and take care of me in a way that supports me.
So, for example, when I feel not connected with me in my heart I sometimes go for a walk or clean or organise my house. The movement of my body, my feet and hands are then helping me to feel present again in my body. Then I deepen this feeling by doing everything very gently so that it is confirming me, my beauty within. And the more I take care of myself the more my daughter opens up like a flower, because she feels that all her beauty is welcome too.
And that is what we as parents, mothers and fathers alike, can all do … being truly open to all the beauty and true expression that come from a child when they are being met for who they are. It feels amazing.
My daughter is not a child anymore, she is now a young beautiful woman and she is for me an inspiration to be all of the woman I am.
I am truly blessed to have her so close…. my daughter… but not truly mine.
I would like to express my thanks for the inspiration to turn towards true love, which includes: My daughter, for being amazing; Chris James (Sounds Wonderful) whose heavenly music helped me to learn to surrender to my body; Serge Benhayon for being there and bringing the amazing teachings of true wisdom and the esoteric healing modalities to humanity; The Benhayon family and Universal Medicine for their never ending support to all who are ready to re-discover their own love and beauty; All people for who they are and what they reflect to me to become more aware of me.
By SB
Published with permission of my daughter.
Further Reading:
Mothering – The Essence Of True Nurturing
Self-Love & Mothering: Stopping to Take Responsibility
Being a Good Mother
Getting along 24-7 in Relationships
I have a friend whose mother was intensely jealous of her as a child and this has affected her – she is now in her forties still struggling with doubt and self worth issues. It’s incredible how much we actually damage our children by projecting onto them our needs, our own hurts which they absorb and carry them around as excess baggage in their lives. Even worse it colours their perception of life and so the rotten cycle continues. Which is why these blogs are so relevant because it give everyone an opportunity to discuss what’s really going on with an opportunity to change what isn’t working.
Letting go those ingrained cords is not an easy thing to do, but love is unconditionally there to make it happen, allowing ourselves to feel the difference between attachment and connection. Walking the path from one to another evolves us and helps us to truly understand what love is.
“We don’t need each other, but we love being together.” Neediness pushes people away and true love pulls us together.
You two look amazing, what a gorgeous inspiration to all you meet, relationships are so much more then our labels – mother/daughter/ father/ Wife – we are multidimensional and when we truly connect with another we get to see this.
We get some great learnings and awarenesses from life if we remain open to receiving them, ‘It is all about how much I TRULY love me and that this level of love will then be there for all others equally’.
What great realisations you came to, only once we are aware of the patterns that run us can we choose to let them go, ‘what I did for her was not from true love but from my need that demanded of her to fill the emptiness I was feeling inside.
Her love I used for filling the lack of love in me and I did the same with friends and partners and with everything I did for people…. just to fill my own emptiness.’
Great to read this blog as I lift the lid on the neediness in my relationships. Each one I uncover I find the answer is the same, to connect to myself deeply first.
‘I took care much better of her than of myself, with clothes, money and everything. Not from love, but because she would then like to be with me and not leave me.’ How often do we do this with the people closest to us, but also with other things that we’ve invested a lot of time and energy in and are wanting something out of, be it money, status, recognition or security. It’s paradoxical, this level of control and holding on, because it gets in the way of what we all want: deeper and more connected relationships.
I think our relationships change the most when we start to understand our mothers/sisters/daughters are not just our family but also people on their own evolutionary path, they have their own things to deal with, to heal, for work on and to learn. It takes away the personal aspect and any sense of ownership or right and allows us to actually support each other rather than foster blame, resentment and frustration at what others may choose.
When a relationship is built on true love rather then need the heavens rejoice.
So true.. when there is need, there is a tightness and control, a holding on. When we let go of that it feels very spacious and light – and those qualities imbue our relationships.
There is such a joy when we can share ourselves with another with no need between us, simply the love that we are meeting and making another point of light.
Imposing our needs on another which I have done plenty of including with my daughter is challenging to be on the receiving end of as it also doesn’t allow space for the other person to become aware of their own issues so we end up doing the ‘neediness dance’ where both parties are focussed on getting their needs met above what it needed to develop the relationship in a true way.
I love the fact that when your daughter left you were given the opportunity to feel how much you had used her to fill the emptiness in your life. This is such a well trodden path and one we do not discuss because we would then have to address the fact we have never been taught or encouraged to love ourselves, to nurture ourselves in order to love and nurture others.
Yes having children (or pets/projects etc) can be a huge distraction from loving and nurturing ourselves to the max so that we then have more to share with others.
I love how you share it is a constant unfolding. It is not a tick box exercise in a relationship and loving ourselves can only deepen and build every relationship we have in our lives.
This bundle of love comes into our lives and we remember without a doubt the love we come from. Yet these babies are not there to fill our needs, and replace the love we are not feeling in other areas of our lives.
I love feeling the commitment and dedication you have now established within yourself and you relationship with your daughter. It shows accountability is just as important in relationships as it is accounting 🙂
When we break old dysfunctional patterns within a relationship it is very freeing and joyful.
This is a great share as so many mother daughter relationships are based on a need, super lovely to see it expressed from a place of evolution instead.
It is the equallness of us all that we should embrace. Being a parent, being a child, being an aunt, uncle, sister, brother or a stranger on the street etc.. We have the chance to re-imprint all our relationship in all places where we have allowed any thing less to occur and walked from unequallness.
Beautifully said Danna.
We are the guardians but are not the holders of another’s WILL. This responsibility lies with each individual and the choice to live the way they choose.
Parenting has been taken to a whole new level thanks to the true-relationship we all have within society. So being part of a true-community, which is what Serge Benhayon has shared, then we are empowering the children and the community.
This is a huge ill-consciousness that corrupts the true purpose of our relationship with our children, by thinking we have ownership of our children as such the right to treat them in a certain imposing way, based on what our needs are. Whereas, simply fostering their inner qualities in order for them to learn how to deepen their relationship with their essence so they live this connection naturally with authority, they are empowered to express their wisdom. This is our responsibility, all of which is possible through the quality in which we know and live in connection to our true selves.
This is great to share as I think many people can probably relate to aspects of this in their family relationships. It is great to open up the conversation and support others to reflect on this and find a more loving way of being with each other.
It is refreshingly honest how you describe doing everything for your daughter in the name of love but actually wanting something back in return. I too have at times become aware that so called loving actions of mine had some hidden agenda and therefore are not love at all because of course love has absolutely no need or imposition. It is very exposing to see this but also very healing as it opens the way for us to connect to true love.
Yes and it is especially hard to escape from prison if we don’t realise we are in it in the first place or are under the illusion that it is a palace!
Yes love is love and it is both how much we let it out and let it in!
Equality to me is seeing, appreciating and loving everyone equally for who they are right now and for their potential.
We are in desperate need of re-calibrating our relationships with others especially the relationships that society places many pictures around like the Mother/Daughter, Father/Son scenario as well as Husband/Wife and all the combinations. Breaking that consciousness down and treated ourselves and others with equal respect and love and eliminating ‘need’ which is largely expectation would make a ridiculously impactful difference in all our lives.
It is rare to have a relationship like this because we are not taught that love does not segregate, that it cannot be confined to one person or a close family. We are from love, it is who we are and what we are made of, so our expression of that love may be different with people depending on their relationship with us, but the love is the same and equal for all.
Your commitment to love, being an honouring love is beautiful to feel and deeply inspiring. There is nothing more freeing and confirming that being met with the quality of love, as we are fundamentally invited to magnify the essence of who we are, bringing more of our Soulfulness our inescapable relationship with life. Your commitment to love, being an honoroing love, is beautiful to feel and deeply inspiring. There is nothing more freeing and confirming that being met with the quality of love, as we are fundamentally invited to magnify the essence of who we are, as such invited to bring more of our Soulfulness to our inescapable relationship with life.
It is a beautiful lesson to learn that for the relationships we treasure most dearly we have to set them free to find their own true love within themselves.
I am not sure what to say except wow, how beautiful. This blog shares a deep love that is incredibly freeing for anyone who has lived through their children. It offers an understanding of how this happens but also ways it is possible to turn this around.
I am with you Lucy, as the liberation offered to us all from one of us surrendering to love is priceless. Imagine the effect when more amongst us choose to commit and surrender to love.
Making motherhood or parenting about need blinds us from seeing the potential of a true and extremely loving relationship that could otherwise be expressed. In other words, need keeps us in our hurts of not being or having enough rather than feeling the fact that we are from love and are already everything we need.
Letting go of the ‘need for love’ because one has discovered the love one already is, is so liberating not only for oneself but also for all who are in one’s life.
It is gorgeous to read this way of a mother daughter relationship. To cut out need from a relationship is a huge healing and shows that actually we can all be in union with each other and that need does not need to come into it. As I raise my daughter and I see all that she teaches me, I can see the importance of me not imposing on her and allowing her to grow and make her own choices with an understanding of consequences.
‘And our love is building every day and our mother-daughter relationship is deepening the more I become honest about how I truly feel in my body and take care of me in a way that supports me.’ Our relationship with ourselves is what colours all other relationships so as we become more honest with ourselves and honour the truth our bodies are revealing to us the more truth and thus love we can present, and live, with the other.
Letting go of ideals and beliefs we hold about being a parent, creates space in one’s life to truly develop an intimate relationship with self first with values of self-care and honouring of our true nature which we can then share with our own children through reflection.
‘When I held her for the first time, I could feel that she is just her own being. She was and is not mine, not MY daughter in the way I thought it would be.’ – this is amazing – and I feel this with my own daughter – in the sense that she is not mine alone- that she is a gift for everyone and she loves people and being with others. It shows me that I have a responsibility to not smother her or try and own her because she belongs to herself first. What in inspiration for a whole new mother and daughter relationship.
The photo of you both says a lot and reflects a gorgeous relationship.
I have noticed in recent months how we can fall into the trap of needing to support our parents as they move into the later years. There is an element of guilt in having to constantly be on the phone, by their side and ready for action at the drop of a hat. I have realised that these actions are coming from a need rather than what is true. The need to be a good daughter, the need to be a good support, the need to be there when all else fails. These expectations I have realised have come from beliefs and ideals that I thought were carried by my mother but interestingly have discovered have come from me. This blog is a timely reminder that the equality in any relationship comes from accepting that other as one and no less. It is when we fall for the illusion of less that the disharmony is evident.
The photo of the two of you walking in equalness is quite extraordinary and deeply stunning. It is beautiful that you have rediscovered and healed everything you have so that you have been able to develop the relationship you have with you and as a result now have what is reflected in this photo with your daughter.
If you are to know true love, then it must be a love shared with all equally. It cannot be encapsulated within the confines of a single relationship, nor left on the shelf to be used sparingly and for one’s own convenience. It is an emanating that knows no such bounds, and as such is not something that comes with an on/off switch.
Your awareness about your own needs from your daughter and the strategies you deployed to get them met is a great reflection for other parents who may be in the same dynamic. You show it’s possible for anyone to evolve through their own ‘stuff’ to reach a place of true relationship, whether that’s with our children, spouses, partners, bosses – anyone.
This is such a gorgeous blog it confirms we can have a true relationship with anyone if we are willing to let go of images and expectations of how it should be. My relationship with mum used to feel quite heavy and stagnant thankfully not any more, now we are best friends and I feel we have a relationship that is about evolution and healing – how awesome is that! – feeling totally blessed.
Parenting can be from the very start of conception a fast track of evolution for everyone involved… And this is one of the things that Universal Medicine is presenting that can absolutely revolutionise the way we live… It is so simple… It starts at home, in the family, in the relationships we build and the true connection that we have, and this brings into the world children that fulfil their true potential, and this spreads into the childcare facilities, into the education, and then generation upon generation, building a humanity that actually knows what it is to do and evolve into.
‘It is not about my daughter filling my emptiness anymore because I started to be full in my body, feeling my own love.’ There is so much emotional and mental energy around and that is what we are so used to feeling that to feel ourselves in our body and to feel our own love has become quite unusual. To be able to reconnect to this via the Gentle Breath Meditation and Esoteric Yoga is a God send. It takes a certain commitment but as you have shown here it changes everything.
Yes Elizabeth you can feel the genuine love they have for each other – Totally Inspiring!!
Just have to say how amazing these photos are, wow! what inspirations you are to other women, you can feel the equality between you and yes the love that is not clingy or emotional by evolving. Thanks for showing us there is another way.
We can be so unaware of the needs we want filled t that we take to our relationships. The beautiful thing is that if we are open to seeing and healing them we get to observe more of what behaviours we have been doing that are getting in the way of harmonious relationships. It’s so easy to blame others but when we’re open to seeing how we are behaving and our motives, then we can do something about changing our part in the relationship. Whilst we may want others to change, just taking the responsibility of changing our part can change the dynamics hugely. Something I am learning. The commitment is to loving oneself completely.
‘And that is what we as parents, mothers and fathers alike, can all do … being truly open to all the beauty and true expression that come from a child when they are being met for who they are.’ There are often moments that I forget to see my children for who they really are when I am taking taking their teenage behaviour personal. Your blog is a great reminder to bring it back to the relationship I have with myself. Am I truly meeting ME when I make the choice to love my children conditionally, how many condtions do I put on loving me?
The sentence you quoted is quite inspirational and confronting at the same time. Very relevant for our evolution.
This blog should be in school textbooks for us all as we grow up as it supports us to understand relationships and our responsibility to self-love so that we can truly love another. It blasts the beliefs and ideals we have about ‘love’ and relationships being about getting our needs met, rather than meeting our one true need which is to love ourselves. Thank you for such a deep and honest sharing, it is a blessing for us all. It leaves me with an appreciation that it is the quality that we bring to a relationship and not what we get from the relationship that determines whether we truly grow and support each other.
The awareness and realisations you have come to and developed through your willingness to have an honest and true relationship with your daughter is deeply inspiring. It is really beautiful that in taking the time to build a relationship with yourself, your relationship with her has blossomed into the gorgeousness you now share together, both inspiring the other to be all of the woman you are.
I love how you pointed out that line Rebecca. That feeling is so grand when we have made space and love for ourselves. The world seems much more brighter.
Because you no longer have the need you have been able to share how you were before, this is wonderful in itself. Equally amazing is how you got to be free of need; the steps you take in self-love are so fundamental I am really glad that you shared them. Beautiful relationships are your reward for doing so.
“Anyone looking at that relationship would see it as great.” It’s true, people look at false relationship but because there is no abuse and everyone is getting along, we see that as the ideal. We are getting misconceptions by looking up to these relationships without truly feeling what is behind the front.
‘The moment I feel more love towards one person than another, I know now the way to go is to reconnect back to the love within.’
This is exactly what I am learning within myself currently. I find when I am in a hurt or feeling vulnerable I can seemingly think I care for one more than another, but true love is a quality that holds all equally. I am either connected with this quality or not.
As I read your blog this morning I connected to the love I had, or did not have, for my brothers and the jealousy I experienced in them and in my parents and in myself as I was growing up. It seems there are always more hurts to uncover and release and let go of. If I don’t let more be created then I will get to the bottom of the pile eventually. What is absolutely sure from my experience so far is that if I allow for my appreciation of, and in, these relationships first and foremost, I am not so likely to get drawn into judgement or involvement that can blind me to the truth of the moment.
I really love the pictures in this blog, they show two equally respectful women, neither one holding the other back. Frome these pictures I can see what is possible to live in all of my relationships.
Great blog very informative and exposing I can relate to a lot in it. If feels for me I that I used my children to fill an emptiness with in my when they were children and gave them everything and myself nothing. What this taught them and they now reflect back to me is that I am no-one and deserve nothing from them which is exactly what I modelled to them as children by the way I treated myself. As I learn to love myself more and treat myself with the respect I deserve they struggle to accept the fact they no longer have the mother they can walk all over.
This is an amazing realisation that you share Margaret here for all to know and work with – when applicable which with no doubt is for many.
This is a very exposing blog I’m sure most mothers will relate to. I know I certainly can with using my children for recognition as a good mum going without and giving everything to my children and sometimes resenting them for it when they didn’t appreciate what I did for them. Becoming aware of this through the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I now take care of myself first and the caring I do for others is genuine and comes with no expectation
Yes no doubt very revealing for most mothers. Yet it was super revealing for me to and I am not a parent. It showed me how I use relationships for need as well and to be liked/loved rather then the feeling of truth and just loving being with them. It’s amazing how a blog about one type of relationship can be super encompassing and relatable to most relationships.
To be able to parent without need is truly revolutionary… And yet it is totally accessible if one is prepared to start to feel one’s needs and ones hurts and truly start to heal . Then there is the possibility of a true foundation of connection and love.
I have had a similar journey with my mother. From a very needy relationship we have worked on becoming more loving and honest with ourselves and each other, uncovering the issues that have kept us in the neediness. It is an ongoing journey that is challenging but very rewarding.
A deeply inspiring blog. How freeing to develop True intimacy with another free of entanglements, dependency and need.
It is so easy for a mother to get caught up in all she is told she needs to be to be a good mum. This need causes her to lose herself and creates an emptiness, this emptiness creates a neediness and hence more smothering than mothering can occur. A crazy vicious cycle from one generation to the next, time to break the cycle and it starts with self-love!
It is so true that so many relationships are built on need and are not about true love at all. It makes sense that to take care of ourselves and let go of our attachments will help us to become stronger on our own without the need, and then be able to relate to others in a very different way.
“And the more I take care of myself the more my daughter opens up like a flower, because she feels that all her beauty is welcome too.” This is a huge revelation … How often do we hide our beauty because we know others are going to feel less … It’s crazy! We are all beautiful and have this divine precious quality that is unique. This is something to share and welcome when expressed in an other as well as ourselves. We aren’t meant to be putting each other down; we are meant to be supporting each other to deliver all that we are together!
“The movement of my body, my feet and hands are then helping me to feel present again in my body.” I love the simplicity of your words, and knowing for myself the truth of these actions. In getting on with my day I am often able to bring my awareness and therefore my presence back to me and my body without any thought. Once the responsibility is there, everything else follows.
I love what you have shared here Toni, very revealing and powerful. Would be great to expand on it and make it a blog as it exposes the real interplay between mothers and thier sons that many women do not realise, I Know I didn’t.
It was very similar to how I raised my own son I too disempowered him as a man….. and needless to say, although I saw him regularly, there was nothing between us, no connection at all. That has all changed since I started to work and clear my own hurts, that is all I did, and have observed how our relationship has improved. I totally agree with you that parenting is about healing oneself and taking responsibility of oneself which allows things to naturally unfold.
It is very inspiring and touching to feel the willingness from you both to ensure your relationship is based on love and the openness to deepen this together.
What you write here is so simple ‘being honest and choosing love’. We are not taught this as kids, nor as grown ups. Thank you Serge Benhayon for supporting us back to the simplicity of true love, true living and true relationships.
I agree Francene. It is crazy that we can feel that love and how wonderful it is yet stop it pouring out to everyone else equally.
Thank you Toni for your amazing sharing. As a mother of teenage sons this is so inspirational as I can feel how I still can switch into parenting mode which feels so constrictive in my body and seems to shut down the space between us. So great to feel this and also to read of how your son changed as soon as you allowed yourself to be full in your expression as a woman.
” … I could feel that she is just her own being. She was and is not mine, … ”
I very much appreciate this realisation and it reminds me of Kahil Gibran’s lovely poem about our children not being ‘our’ children … a great wisdom for every parent to have about their children.
Marian, I have read this book too many years ago, and the words in the poem really stood out for me too for the truth I could feel; ‘our children are not our children’, made so much sense to me and even expanded my understanding of the term ‘our children’…. all our children are souls same as we are, all equal coming into this world to learn how to be and live love.
And a great reminder that ownership is not Love. We can never own another, control them nor expect them to be what we need them to be.
This is so true the celebration of beauty is so often seen as an exchange always from one person to another, rather than also just celebrating ourselves. In fact we have set it up within society that those who do celebrate themselves get brought down with comments such as arrogant vain etc. But all of this creates a neediness and dependence for appreciation from others, because we don’t first give it to ourselves
“There is no truth in loving one person more than another in life, so in truth I cannot love my daughter more than anyone else”- I used to buy into the belief that love was reserved only for your husband and family or relatives.
Only until I started listening to Serge Benhayon at Universal Medicine and connected deeply to my essence that I felt the truth that we are innately love, and come from this quality. Therefore to only limit our love to a certain few now feels very hurtful; Love is Love and is equally there for all. But are we prepared to let it out fully?
This is lovely. No one to blame just understanding and true responsibility.
It is a such a deeply healing, profound and beautiful process for a mother to become aware and let go of the energetic cords she may have in place with her children ( i.e healing all that is behind having a relationship based on needs and fears rather than true /non emotional love). When my daughter was born about 5 years ago, I had a similar experience to the one you share. I could feel so much love for this little “thing” who felt so incredible and precious, however I did not feel she was mine. It was indeed a strange and kind of shocking feeling – which at the time made me wonder if there was anything wrong with me as it did not fit with what I thought I should have been feeling as a new mum. I guess this was one of my first lesson as a mother feeling that there is no ownership in true love.
Thinking that we need to be a certain way in relationships and putting a label on them, really limits where the relationship can go, as from my experience, the only place it eventually does go, is downhill. It stops any true connection because you are only operating from a small pocket of what that limited choice will allow. Whereas when you just bring yourself to the relationship with no labels, just two people being themselves and enjoying what each other can naturally bring to the relationship, it opens it up to a 360 degree view, with no barriers.
Gorgeous Julie, ‘Whereas when you just bring yourself to the relationship with no labels, just two people being themselves and enjoying what each other can naturally bring to the relationship’, this is really lovely to read, I can feel with my family how I bring labels, daughter, sister etc.. rather than meeting as two people being themselves, i can feel with my family how I have more investment in how they are, trying to help them, fix them whereas I would not do this to a friend, I would accept them more for how they are and allow them to be, great for me to ponder on.
Thank you very much for sharing this Toni. I can feel how this is also relevant to me and my family.
‘I can feel my love now in me and express that deep sweet love to her’ . That is truly the greatest gift we can give a child.
“When I held her for the first time, I could feel that she is just her own being. She was and is not mine, not MY daughter in the way I thought it would be. That was a strange and kind of shocking thing to feel.” I can completely relate to this feeling, when I saw my son for the first time, I was instantly struck by his ageless wisdom, indeed THE LOVE HE ALREADY WAS and that I thought I was required to deliver!
Isn’t it interesting when we let go of the roles that we think they need to be rather than just being ourselves and allowing others to be the same, what a refreshing, open and easy relationships they will be. This is such a key point to many relationships and it really starts with deepening our own relationship with ourselves first, then it will naturally be expressed in others.
Loving being with someone is completely different from needing to be with them. The two are worlds apart in relation to the quality that can be shared with each. When we need someone we are attached to them in someway and this feels very selfish. But when we are just enjoying being love with another we are free to just be ourselves and this is very powerful
Wise words Joshua and true. I feel this more and more when working with clients. With love, my work often flows, does not feel arduous or difficult, however long the hours. I have no need of appreciation or acknowledgement, but feel the blessings bestowed on me every single day.
‘If all families of this world could have such love for each other’ … I like that Mike and feel to add …then we would have one big family in this world.
When I saw this blog when I visited the web site, I thought I don’t need to read it because I never had a loving connection with my mother and its not something that will ever happen. But I felt into it and felt its about connection to everyone. In reading the blog I could see that need played a part and letting go of need and to allow each other to be and grow, is the key to a true loving connection. I’m glad I read your blog it is truly beautiful.
The thing with love is that is simply cannot be reserved for those we single out as more deserving – once love is unleashed from within there is just no limit to it. The idea that we can love by degrees is something we will eventually understand is simply not true.
We would naturally then bring children up to celebrate themselves, as they would see it in our reflection and the ‘norm’
Yes this will then be the true normal for them, for us all.
So true Mary Louise, I often have people say to me, “I never wanted to turn out like my mother”. As little girls they could see being self-less and driven, the one doing it all was not the way to be, but as we grow there are very few true role models who have been able to maintain their true delicateness. It is beautiful to read more and more women being more honouring and loving of themselves, inspiring others to do the same.
For the longest time, the word ‘father’ did not mean anything to me. It was empty to me. With the healing that I have gone through, I realised that I was actually hurting myself with the picture of what my father should have been, but never was. There was a stubborn arrogance that would not relent. As I have begun to let go of this picture and many others that I hold about life, I felt the strong impulse to get in touch with my father and maintain steady communication with him. Now I call him about once a week and it feels great. We have a relationship and the word ‘father’ is enriched with our connection.
Very healing Jinya. I can relate to something similar in my relationship my now late Mother. Releasing your own hurt and beliefs you held about your father made it possible for you to iniatiate new communication and relationship with him. Holding on, holds us back from potential and loving relationships with our families and feels hard in the body. Letting go, opening up, brings in gentleness and love. Beautiful to have brought about your own healing.
Yes, I must give a huge amazing thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for enable me to have relationships that are not out of need to fill my emptiness but because ‘we love being together’.
I keep being drawn back to this blog and how it offers the understanding to see my relationship with my sons anew. I have appreciated a letting go of any control since they have both grown up and left home a long time ago. Yet if I go deeply into it, I find there is a sadness and in some sense that some of that letting go was a hiding away or protection from rejection. This was certainly the case with my dad I feel. With this nomination comes a call to re-explore my relationships with my sons and exploring how to bring more live to them in a way that is not imposing but playful and expressive.
Parent and child: Belonging together by the choice of sharing life but not belonging to someone, although being parent and child being equals in every way loving and supporting each other, seeing each other blossoming and becoming more and more the amazing person we are, a friendship for life. As soon as we start to let go of the socially imposed ideals and beliefs the true beauty of the parent and child relationship can come to the surface, full of wonders and surprises, to one`s own amazement but also to the sometimes bewilderment of those around as what is reflected is against or actually free of all the painful and loveless limitations, hurts and clichés most families are suffering.
Beautiful Alex what you share here of the child/parent relationship and what it can be: As soon as we start to let go of the socially imposed ideals and beliefs, the true beauty of the parent and child relationship can come to the surface, full of wonders and surprises, to one`s own amazement but also to the sometimes bewilderment of those around as what is reflected is against or actually free of all the painful and loveless limitations, hurts and clichés most families are suffering.
This is truly an inspiration for both mothers and fathers, daughters and sons equally so…relationships based on love rather than need – how different would the world be if all relationships were this way.
”There is no truth in loving one person more than another in life, so in life, so in truth I cannot love my daughter more than anyone else.” This is a great marker for me; if I cannot love everyone equally there has to be something within me that needs to be felt, nominated and let go, as this feeling of separation is not who I truly am.
I loved reading this blog. It is so inspiring as I have a daughter and two boys. To not have relationships coming from a need it has to begin with taking responsibility for ourselves. As I build a loving relationship with myself, the need for my kids to fill my emptiness becomes much less. It is the only way for me to have truly loving relationships.
Beautiful Caroline, and this is the case with any kind of relationships with anyone in our lives, whether they are our children or not.
Monica what just became apparent when reading your comment is how unfair I have been in wanting/needing others to confirm/validate/be a certain way with me. How unjust for anyone to be nagged/cajoled/blackmailed into behaving in a way that I deem appropriate in an futile attempt to make me feel enough. It’s similar to expecting someone to fill a bucket with water when the bucket has a hole in it !
No one, however hard they try, can make someone ‘feel enough’. I have been on the receiving end of someone trying to make me ‘feel enough’ , this never worked of course because I realise now that the only one who can do this for me is ME, by consistently making choices to take responsibility and being honest with myself and starting to build a loving relationship with me first, otherwise I am constantly expecting someone else to do it for me and this is just imposing on them.
Whenever there is any need in relationship there is an emotional attachment that is actually quiet draining energetically as it is simply not true. Meanwhile we miss out on the thing we truly seek which is Love.
Silvia, what a gift your blog is to read. Your blog gave me a glimpse of what true loving relationships can be like with my children, so supportive and open. It fills me with joy to think of truly seeing my children and them truly seeing me. In truth what more could a parent want in their relationship.
This is inspiring to feel it is the same in any relationship, that we must love ourselves first to truly be in an open and non needing relationship with a partner, friend or any family member.
Absolutely – truly loving ourselves is the most solid foundation for any relationship. And it’s a foundation that is a lot of fun to build 🙂
Thank you Chan Ly I agree wholeheartedly it was through the inspiration of Universal Medicine that I too have gained the impetus to love and care for myself in ways I have never before thought were even an option. I love how you have expressed this here – ” The more I live in truth and love, the more I am able feel the fullness of life, to share and love all equally.” Well said, I agree with every word.
So true Monika, we are all responsible for our own joy and our own choice to connect to ourselves and get to know who we are on a deep level – the love that we so desperately search outside of ourselves for. But, I have to add that if it wasn’t for Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I would still possibly be stuck deep in my old patterns of hurt and need.
Our children is not ours, only our heart and the choices we make are.
Well said Adele. I also knew at the time when I was pregnant that our children were not ours; that they would come into the world for everyone equally so. It is great to be reminded of this truth as at times an issue can arise and I can easily override this knowing, that my children are not mine.
Relations based on need are a killer. Needs are incessant, always present, always there. They are the meter we use to measure others. Our alibi to feel disappointed, down, hurt, etc. Leaving needs behind is not always easy. Yet, it does make a tremendous difference not feeling empty inside any longer and hence with no needing others to fill anything inside us. This is a platform to create a totally different relationship.
It is beautiful to see such a confident strong young woman step out in to the world, accompanied by her equally strong and inspiring mother.
Indeed it is Shami
This is no simple task for any mother to break the cord that binds mother and daughter. But as you so beautifully explain the healing and growth and freedom that comes out of it is so much more powerful than staying emotionally attached.
I’m with you on that one Natasha – My mother has passed away now but the years before I started to bring up the question whether I could call her by her first name instead of calling her mum and she was actually open to it. The energy felt so different when I called her by her name and not mum. Now we didn’t go full throttle on this one, perhaps I still needed her to be my ‘mum’ but I felt we initiated something that exposed how easy it can be to slip into roles that can carry so much ‘must dos’ that sort of de-characterizes us. Great post Natasha, thanks.
Hi Hannah, I was drawn to your comment re the relationship that you expressed that you had with your mum – and I can feel a little of the pain, for it is reflected in me, and now I can see that may be another area that I can bring a loving focus to while with awareness I can choose to let go the belief in the need for the relationship to be a certain way. How awesome is that – thank you Hannah – and I am in appreciation for the blog that inspired your comment.
I have to agree with everything you’ve shared. If it wasn’t for the support I’ve received from Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon there is no way that I would be as close to my mother now as we currently are. I recall the unfortunate past when I cringed at the thought of being close to my mum or letting my guard down. I blamed her for so much, a lot without warrant and was eager to distance myself. I hated the sense of obligation I felt as a daughter and did the minimal amount required.
Today however things are so different. There is something so profoundly powerful about truly dealing with old hurts and wounds that distort all interactions. The immense freedom of letting it all go and replacing it with a deep understanding and appreciation has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve received.
Honesty, if it had not been for Universal Medicine I would have been robbed of enjoying my own mother. It is directly through dealing with these childhood hurts that I get the chance to truly enjoy the amazing and beautiful mum I have.
For this I am profoundly thankful.
I wholeheartedly agree with what you’ve written here Heidi. The connection that I feel with my mother is so strong yet the hurts that I have and are dealing with pushed me away from her, never wanting me to return. Through the profound teaching of Universal Medicine I am learning to not live through those hurts but to heal them instead… This is slowly but surly allowing me to connect once again very deeply to my mother. And not only my mother but my father, sister and my whole family.
So true, a relationship build on truth anything can come up and nothing is too much.
What if we take away these roles we use and see our parents not as father and mother, but as the beautiful man and woman that they are? They have always been that, just as much that I am not only the daughter, but a beautiful woman too. It brings a deepening in the relationship and a letting go of needs.
Great point Mariette – I’ve had experiences where people suddenly take up interests and I go… but you’re supposed to be like this… and it shows me that I’ve put them into boxes and labelled them, putting expectations of how I expect them to be. This also feels as if it robs them of the freedom to be who they naturally are. It can be seen as ‘stigma’ and it can be a very strong thing to detach from, as in what is expected from you being a ‘mum’ or ‘dad’ or a ‘swede’ for example.
So true Mariette, looking at each other in this way also takes away the expectations we can hold towards the roles.
Lovely to read how you are building a true relationship with your daughter based on love and not need. I am in the process of looking at my relationships with my two daughters and I am finding that sometimes it feels like we are growing and then other times not, but I have learnt recently that it is not about giving up on each other or writing each other off, which can be easy to do and that it takes work to build a true relationship.
What a precious experience to share “… we as parents, mothers and fathers alike, can all do … being truly open to all the beauty and true expression that come from a child when they are being met for who they are.” For parent and child alike, to be open to connecting in truth with one another is an awesome experience.
The dynamics of parent and child relationships are based on the same needs as those with our friends, colleagues and other family members. If we feel a lack within ourselves, we will inevitably look to fill that emptiness from anything, because as long as we are in the emptiness, we cannot fill it with more emptiness. In my experience with my relationships, I have found that I can either be in it for self or for the truth of what all relationships are actually about: a connection based on love and truth. When I open up to the latter, it feels more spacious and transformative.
Wise words Jinya; ‘In my experience with my relationships, I have found that I can either be in it for self or for the truth of what all relationships are actually about: a connection based on love and truth’. Being in a relationship for self is expecting the other to fulfil your needs, which is impossible so where can the relationship go – correct no-where. The connection to our own love and truth is the foundation for all relationships as you mention.
I can feel this starting to happen in my relationship with my mother too, ‘And our love is building every day and our mother-daughter relationship is deepening the more I become honest about how I truly feel in my body and take care of me in a way that supports me.’ It is very beautiful to observe that how I care for and look after myself has a huge effect on my relationship with my mother and gives her permission to also take care of herself – very lovely.
Gill, I too can feel how a parenting relationship can be based on so much need and emotional threads, it is freeing for both parent and child to be able to let go of this and each one stand as their own person and then realise that a true relationship is possible.
So much to love about this blog. Such honest sharing of what goes on in a lot of relationships. It is so refreshing to read a story of a relationship where such responsibility is taken. I was moved to tears reading your blog especially this line – “And the more I take care of myself the more my daughter opens up like a flower, because she feels that all her beauty is welcome too.”. That is one of the most divine things I have ever read. Thank you.
A picture speak a thousand words, and in your case, its clear to see the connection and strength of the relationship between you and your daughter – one for the family album.
Very beautiful to read and to feel the intimacy between you both and the strong committment to love .
It inspires me to look deeper, what you said about the cords.
Just as simple- start with is there a need wanting someone to like me .
Oh Leigh I can relate to such cords and they are for me like little traps I am not unaware of. To get them more into my awareness helped me to cut them through and this was good not only for me but also for my whole family.
An inspiring blog to read and very supportive to all mother-daughter relationships, and really a great message for all relationships
Love is love, it is how much I let it out. Perfect for me to read this today.
Imagine if we all understood that the way we treat ourselves would be the way our children then treat themselves? It may then seem more important to love and put ourselves first -so that we become the role model for them, rather than looking after them and being the protector for them.
This is such a gorgeous story of how letting go of someone opened up a more intimate and loving relationship. I recognise the pattern of doing things in many relationships to try and keep a person close, to not leave me, or to keep them liking me. It does seem to have the opposite affect though, as the person feels the imposition. Serge Benhayon showed me that the key to more quality, loving relationships comes from the relationship we have with ourselves, the way we treat ourselves is the most important place to start.
Reading this blog really supported me to connect to my own body and ensure that my expression is from the love I feel present in me. Thank you for posting.
I had similar experiences when both our children were born. They both felt like such beautiful complete beings that did not need anything, they were just enough. This was also very confirming for me to feel how it seemed they arrived to support me and reflect the love that I am, back to me.
Andrew it’s amazing to feel the appreciation you have for what your children bring you, and how their natural beauty supports you to know yours too. Not enough parents speak this way about their children!
What a great blog about such an important topic. So often in relationships we make contracts with each other we think are love but are actually based on need. I can feel as a parent myself, that it is very easy to have this kind of relationship with my children believing that I am doing the best for them but actually I am imposing my needs on them. Learning to love and connect to myself more means that my neediness gets less and I can feel they feel more free to be themselves and to love me back without conditions.
So true Andrew. The roles limit our relationships and keep us ‘acting’ and Trick us into believing that we are different. We are equal and with this understanding the relationship can build from a strong foundation of love.
Yes I notice that people will often comment on the loveliness of a child and then follow up with ‘it’s a shame they have to grow up’
Why is this? Why do we feel we can freely love a child but once they assert their own ways we no longer appreciate them? With the foundations of love set in place a person is always honoured and loved regardless of their age.
Yes Joshua I agree. All relationships can begin from these foundations of honesty and love.
Truly beautiful to read the undoing of the ‘false emotional’ connection – for a connection built on true love for self and consequently all others. I have been reflecting on my own parent daughter relationship of late and this is a timely reminder to really love me and hold everyone as equal to love.
It is amazing to read your story, how you were able to let go of your roles as mother and daughter and build a true relationship as friends. This is extraordinary and takes a lot of love for yourself and discernment as I know there are so many patterns that play into this interdependence. Truly remarkable and inspirational!
You have raised some amazing points for all relationships – as soon as we have needs and expectations of someone else, we need to look at what we are not providing for ourselves and therefore seeking from another. I love how you took it back to simply loving and caring for yourself the way you had previously cared for your daughter – we are so worth it!
Beautifully said – need is ugly when it rears its head in relationships and inevitably brings in control. This simple equation you have presented here is everything we need.
Beautiful Dana and Syliva to feel the respect and appreciation you have of each other. It is so easy to blame our parents or children for the woes in our lives, yet as you both have shown, taking responsibility for our own choices makes for a true and loving relationship. Thank you both.
Syliva, thank you for such an honest sharing. From your blog I feel such a deeper understanding of my mum and what I thought not possible… an even deeper love for her. This is a must read for all mums and daughters.
This was such a joy to read, I am not a parent, but I got so much from it. I could relate to everything that you shared, just applying it to all relationships i have and hold with anyone in my life. I could feel that what you presented in what you’ve developed within yourself and how it applies with you daughter, I can and have been developing with all. It was very beautiful to read your unfolding relationship with yourself and how that has reflected in your relationship with you daughter, very inspiring.
I really love the photo of the two of you at the start of this blog, especially your daughter who is so sweet and not holding back any of her beauty at all. It seems so rare to see this between mothers and daughters but actually, perhaps this way of being with each other is absolutely natural.
I am aware of my own needs, investments and expectations when it comes to my children and honestly I do not always choose to look at it. But the more I see my children as independant beings who have their own life to live, their own choices to make, their own hurts to deal with, I am able observe and see where I can let go more and where they need support.
I am also learning that my children can equally give me support where needed, they naturally do by their reflections but sometimes I can also ask for support in a particular area. I find it very humbling to admit that although I am older and have a role as parent it’s okay that I need their support at times too, no more striving to be the perfect super mom, just bringing the real me is all they really ask for.
The greatest support we can give our chilren is when we bring the ‘real me’, which allows our children to express all they are without holding back an ounce of thier beauty and amazingness, thus the support becomes a two way flow – Awesome Katinka de Lannoy.
This is beautiful Katinka! This has been something I have been learning to do more with my children… not needing or expecting myself or them to know everything and that we are all learning together. I find when I allow myself to feel vulnerable and ask for support my children are there to genuinely support…. very different to when I am coming from a place of thinking I need or should know everything as a Mother.
What a joy to read. It makes me smile. You can see the love and joy for each other in the pictures.
A beautiful blog, ended with a very powerful expression of appreciation of those that have helped you along the way. Inspiring on every level.
Loving ourselves and taking full responsibilty for our lives will turn us into the most amazing reflection of power and beauty, a reflection that will invite others to feel that they are exactly the same and yet uniquely precious in their very special way.
Such beautiful honesty in this blog. To realise that doing everything for another is not only not love, but in fact a manipulation and to control the other person. To take responsibility and feel that doing this is to fulfil one’s own needs is really refreshing.
What a truly awesome journey you have shared with your daughter. Thanks for sharing.
I agree Francine, how different would our world be if we could see just how important it is to keep our hearts open to everyone and love all equally. When we understand the true nature of Love, learning to feel and heal our hurts so that we can make every relationship equal in love becomes an essential responsibility in one’s life, which can only bring deep healing and much to all concerned.
I have had similar experiences in relationships, where I have felt a need for another. I have been learning to love equally, which has started from learning to love myself. What you write about what you observe is possible within relationships is very beautiful “And that is what we as parents, mothers and fathers alike, can all do … being truly open to all the beauty and true expression that come from a child when they are being met for who they are.” I can feel this quality when I look into my children eyes, with out expectation, it is awesome to share this feeling.
Beautiful pictures, with an openness and radiance that shines like the sun!
Yes, i agree Francisco- it is gorgeous!
WE do not own our children, it feels we need to repeat and repeat this in order to break the consciousness and the unconsciousness around the belief that in some way we do own our children because we have given birth to them. When this cord (of control) is broken our children are left free to fully express themselves without any imposition.
I felt so drawn to come back to your beautiful story again, with these words really jumping out at me: “being truly open to all the beauty and true expression that come from a child when they are being met for who they are. It feels amazing.” I have the joy of sharing my life with some of my gorgeous grandchildren and when I meet them, with no expectations, I experience the love and the joy that comes so naturally from them. They are regularly, my very wise teachers, especially in how to lighten up and be playful; a valuable lesson the serious little child within me really appreciates.
That is beautiful Suzanne. I too feel blessed to be the mother of my child. I am becoming more aware of the subtleties in his body language when I am being needy and how he responds. Our children are incredible teachers.
It was once a crazy concept for me to think that I could love any other as much as I love my son. I am now realising how imposing and smothering that is for him and how debilitating it is to direct so much love to just one person. It’s not love to not love all equally.
What an awesome sharing jane176, I love your honesty. And yes it does play out in your life, in fact in every relationship. I am also building a love affair with myself and I have some ouches here and there, but it is absolutely amazing and so worth it.
This is so true and my experience also “It is all about how much I TRULY love me and that this level of love will then be there for all others equally.” My commitment to learning and living self-love is not a selfish endeavour, through caring for myself I am learning to be caring, supportive and understanding of others, while also being truthful and expressing myself more fully – Amazing!
Wow, what a great reflection for you Suzanne in your relationship with your daughter – what a blessing. I wonder whether when children misbehave that they are in reaction to neediness or some other emotion from a parent or other adult in their life.
The article is revealing and the photo of you both shows it all. Beautiful picture!
I also used my daughter to fill my lack of self-worth as I was missing the true connection to my self. Once I got clear about this I could start to address my relationship to myself first and from there also the relationship to my daughter started to change. Now we are more and more equal partners – that takes so much pressure off both sides and let go of the control.
Gorgeous blog with a gorgeous photo to match.
The photo confirms everything said in this blog.
Yes Luke, the photos make me melt each time I see them, so very beautiful.
Well said Luke the picture of you two confirms that the connection is of true love and does not hold that hook of emotional need, just two equal beings of love.
This is very beautiful thank you for sharing all you have learnt and felt.
What a brilliant article on Parenting 101 and filled with so many truths!
Knowing and accepting we cannot love one person more than anyone else so changes one’s understanding of what really being a truly loving parent means.
Beautifully written, Patricia.
Reading this Lieke I can feel how I treat my mother as my mother first rather than as you write ‘my mother is just the same as me, a woman first and foremost.’ Great for me to ponder on.
Yes, great to ponder on, where I still see my mother as my mother and not for the true gorgeous beautiful woman that she is.
Yes Mariette,so good to feel the illusion about the ideal that moms are there for children and that they are only to care for their child. Also the illusion that a mom is being constricted to a few roles and jobs, also not true. Then finaly to feel that a mother, my mother, others mothers are fantastic – and actually a beautiful woman who is by choice choosing to take care for a child, but the reallness of her, being a woman, taking loving care for herself and always being honoring to herself first – is key. Therefor I feel it is important to get the illusion out of the way that once you become a mom you are just a mother. It time to start looking honest and that we are not defined by being ‘a mother’ but by the love we all are. We are beautiful women – who had chosen to be a parent this life.
The photos associated with this blog say it all Syliva! The glow is so tangible and so beautiful. I have thought of your relationship with your daughter often since I first read this blog and just love how you have so fully embraced the honesty necessary to develop the relationship you now have. You are both inspiring.
The cycle of hurt is currently deeply entrenched from parent to child we can see this all around. Whether it’s daughters being ignored or sons told to man up, we know it’s getting more critical and it is only through honest blogs and inspired relationships like this that society will be able to start to be reminded as to what is true. Thank you for sharing this. For me I still choose my mother’s emotional cords as it can be so sneaky and brilliantly comfortable, it offers instant relief. With my father, my endless pursuit of his approval and recognition has driven me to the point where I often don’t recognise myself or often what I am saying. In both cases I can feel how I let their needs in to continue to fuel my separation from loving myself. It is amazing to be aware of, and unfortunately for those games the more I deepen my appreciation of just how glorious I am the harder it is for them to play out. There is no where for that that is not loving to hide anymore, and it’s great to share that with you both and inspired to continue to be more.
Wow Phill, to the point like a laser beam. Very honest and for me as a mother an invitation to let go of the cords even more.
Thank you Phill for sharing this! Confirming that if you don’t play your part in the game there is no game anymore. It takes 2 to tango and each of us can choose to step out of the ‘dance’.
I agree Monika and I am such a groovy dancer that there is no room to tango with family threads anymore.
It feels gorgeous that you have exposed the need in your relationship and replaced it with true love and equality.
I keep coming back to this blog as my daughter and I are on the same journey and finding more and more equal connection and gentleness in our relationship. To read other’s journeys is a great support, knowing there are many of us working in the same way instead of putting up with the old family patterns and struggling. What a beautiful opportunity we have to widen and deepen our relationship with everyone in this way.
“It is all about how much I TRULY love me and that this level of love will then be there for all others equally”
Such beautiful sharing of how you turned your relationship around from being “needy’, to now one of equality and true love. The photo of yourself with your daughter says it all. Very inspiring !
Loretta a great quote to pick up on, I used to think it was about how much i did or cared for another that counted as how much i loved them. Now I understand it to be how much love I am with myself first and therefore hold that person in naturally. The photo, as you say, shows the true equality that is possible.
Joan this is what I was feeling too, when I looked at the photo I could feel the tenderness and love that they have for each other there was no neediness just an inner strength of two women who know who they are, standing together equally in their own beauty and power, a gorgeous picture and a lovely blog that reflects how far you have both come.
Great point Francene. Many of us ‘reserve’ a lot of our love for our family members and friends, but as you say, imagine how the world would be if we were the same, equal love with EVERYONE. That would be beautiful.
You are both such beautiful women. In the photos I can feel how you treat each other as equals and that is deeply inspiring.
The photo says it all…..WOW!
What stood out initially for me was what you said about you ‘became friends with your body’. Quite a lovely way to highlight that this is essential in letting go of the attachments we create towards people.
Two super beautiful women, mother and daughter, a relationship that inspires.
The photos say it all. I sat for while just looking at the first photo before reading the blog and felt deeply touched by what I saw and felt.
Yes and as my parents are now elderly, I’ve noticed how easy it would be to go into mothering them as they become a little less able to do what they used to do. Very timely reminder for me as one of them is unwell, and for me to care for them, but not do everything for them.
It is so wonderful to read about a mother who is able to learn from her daughter. Not all mothers are willing to admit this.
Yes Elizabeth this is so great to read. I too have been fortunate to have a mother who has shared that she had learnt a lot from me and my sibling over the years. Hearing this comment helped me realise not only was she my mother but a woman just like me.
My relationship with my mother has grown to a greater level of beauty since I have been attending Universal Medicine workshops and her trust to share intimately with me has deepened. I treasure this development in our relationship.
I love this nb. My mother has been the same and I have over the past years learnt a great deal about the wonderful woman that she is.
Yes it seems to be a sign of a great blog or article when I can relate it directly to what is going on in my life and be inspired to renounce any beliefs around it holding my relationships back from being all they can be.
What you have shared here Sylivia is something I feel we can all relate to if we choose to be honest with ourselves. Is it not a complete illusion that we ‘need’ love if that is who we are? By connecting to that grandness within through the steady development of conscious presence allows us to feel our love and the need naturally disolves. So beautiful that you were able to see and feel the imposition that the ‘need’ caused and choosing another way of being.
if all parents to-be made the commitment to build a truly loving relationship with themselves first before embarking on having children? That would change the face of the earth, it’s also not too late to work on it if you have had kids.
Yes I felt that too Jeanette…there is a lovely intimacy that can be felt.
There is so much within this blog but what’s stood out for me today is, ‘became more friends with my own body.’ I’ve often considered my body my enemy! It was too this or too that or hurt when I mistreated myself. How I’ve imposed my needs on my body has been far from friendly! Time to listen to my best friend. Thank you.
Yes, I love this too, how you share about not loving your daughter more than another. Why would you not love everyone as much as you love her, and how awesome would it be to express that love to everyone and well as yourself. I am working on that in my life and I realise that in the past, I was missing out as I was making my love exclusive.
The idea that you have to be the perfect daughter or your mother having to be a certain way or fill a certain role or look the part, is so imposing and it is so rampant in so many different relationships.
I know I get caught up in the parent role and have to check in often, as to why I am doing certain things and am I supporting or am I actually crippling in the way that I care for others.
I agree Rosie. These roles that we play all take us away from simply being who we are. They are ideals that we take on board and lead us further away from our own true connection.
Good point Rosie- I too, often get caught in the parent role, but the more I learn to honour and care for me in a loving way, I have started to feel the difference when I impose my beliefs on others; judge or want to control others. In giving others more space and having an understanding where others are at, I have come to a deeper acceptance, and in turn allowed love to be the deciding factor.
I agree, acting in this way is indeed imposing.
I agree Rosie, it is needed to keep observing from what intent we are with are kids and do things for our kids. I am learning to listen to my body as it actually instantly tells me when I am not being truthful to me in my relation to them. I am recognising this much sooner nowadays and I than just STOP and feel what is really going on.
Well said, wanting others to confirm us or recognise us when we don’t do it for ourselves.
When we start noticing this and becoming aware, we can take care of ourselves first and foremost and with that, our level of care for others will be automatically switched up because it will come from someone who lives that care first and foremost within themselves, and it won’t come fully loaded with neediness and expectation.
Yes Michelle self care is the most caring thing to undertake for everyone and is our responsibility for when we don’t care for ourselves that also laces everything we do and affects everything equally so.
I agree Michelle, self-care is often looked upon as being selfish, but it is totally about living responsibly. It is amazing how even self-care has been bastardised to be something that we would feel a sense of guilt about – fortunately we have overcome this to bring self-care and self-love back as absolute essentials for our overall wellbeing.
Anyone who believes that self-care and self-love is being selfish is someone who is obviously not self-caring otherwise they would not think it was selfish! When I began putting myself first I must admit I did feel a few pangs of guilt, but I soon realised that if I did not love and honour myself more, I could not truly love anyone else to the depths that I truly craved.
and when we self-care and attend to our own needs not only do we cease imposing expectations on others but we are open to relating to them without any ideals or beliefs about how they should be, or how things should be or what they should do
I agree Michelle, having been a mother of 4 and having never even considered taking care of myself as a option I now stress to all the young mothers I meet that caring for your self is the very thing that will get you through so you do not lose yourself completely in the process of mothering. I tell them that it is absolutely imperative to self care, not only for your own well being but for the well being of all those around you who you love so dearly..
Growing up, loving thy neighbour was heralded, rewarded however loving thy self seemed to have been omitted from common principals. In fact anything that seemed selfish was shameful and unloving. As Monica has shown us one cannot exist without the other and Michelle has brilliantly shared self care is the grandest living responsibility.
This then will lead to true service for humanity.
Absolutely Geraldine
I agree Elizabeth and it takes love and commitment to firstly recognise the cords that bind us to others through our emotional needs and patterns, and then dedication to live the process of breaking them, which is not usually an overnight process.
What a joy to read about the change in your relationship with your daughter. It is great that you have written about it, because when we see side by side the two types of relationship, it is so clear that although most of us have been striving for or have settled for how you used to be, in our hearts we all want the one you have been developing with your daughter. And what a great insight that the whole thing pins on your deepening of your relationship with yourself.
So well said Rebecca: “for even the most successful person needs love in their life to be able to enjoy it.”
Love your honesty Michelle, how fortunate to learn to rediscover the love you are whilst he is young, thereby leaving him free to be himself. The greatest gift a parent could give any child.
I agree Jenny, when love is emotional it is binding – what one person can do for you and you can do for someone else. It is more of an arrangement than a relationship.
Yes me too, Michelle, I like the phrase; because she feels that all her beauty is welcome too, only because we do accept and love ourself first, this can open up and welcoming others into our hearts. And seeing a reflection of love in others what is in me, too.
Well said Thomas, me too- I could rely onto the needs I used to have and how manipulative this was towards my daughter and onto others. Coming from a need is always very unloving. What a relief to feel that there is no need that is between us anymore but much appreciation and honesty and love.
Yes I agree Shevon, there is so much to revisit as there is much inspiration coming with the article for a true lived relationship with self and others.
The way forward beautifully expressed Maryline.
Yes Rowena, that is the bigger picture… when we chose to consistently honour our own beauty and divineness, it gives permission and allows another to really feel that it is safe to express all the beauty they are. Gorgeous Rownena – for it is always about the ‘bigger’ picture.
It is lovely to hear about how your relationship has evolved. I have heard many stories of mothers being jealous of their daughters and the damage that this does. When there is a mutual appreciation of what each other brings in equality, that is a relationship to be treasured.
I agree Francence, a world where everyone loves equally, where love is not contained to families and closest friends, would be amazing. So many of our biggest issues would be solved.
The beauty and wisdom of this blog is oh so clear in this one line, which if widely known and embraced, would change so much that hurts us in all relationships.
‘And the more I take care of myself the more my daughter opens up like a flower, because she feels that all her beauty is welcome too.’
“Love is love, it is how much I let it out” – such a profound reminder for all, inspired by the truth in which you and your daughter have chosen to live.
There is alot to recommend this blog for any parents out there, and I could not agree more. The line I felt more strongly than ever was when you wrote “Love is love, it is how much I let it out” as that extends beyond family out to everyone. We measure how much love we are going to be, with whom, and when it suits us… and that restricts our access to it. You have described this beautifully, as well as the turnaround you feel when you start to change that.
Thank you, Michelle, that level of honesty is inspiring and provides the foundation for real and evolving relationships.
I was already in a need before I was pregnant. I had this whole ideal about what it would be like to have a child, how he/she would unconditionally love me and how special our relationship would be. The imposition was already there before conception….Eventually I did not get children, which has been a beautiful invitation from life to start building a relationship with myself. To actually start to take care of myself and from there, to build love for myself.
Love the honesty you have expressed here Mariette, and I especially love the wisdom shared in this line: ‘ ….Eventually I did not get children, which has been a beautiful invitation from life to start building a relationship with myself’. Of course the more love we have for ourselves, the more we have to share with every-one equally without any need or expectation.
I can totally relate to all of this Monica. In my own experience as a mother particularly, I can now see how much my relationship with my daughters was based on using my relationship with them to fill the love I did not have for myself, all the while doing this under the pretext of an ideal or belief that I was being a ‘good’ mother. When I go back to the period prior to having children, I realize I did the same thing in my relationship with my partner… Being a certain way that I justified was being a ‘good’ wife but totally at the expense of what was true love and stemming from my own self worth at the time. Since being introduced to Serge Benhayon and the teachings of Universal Medicine, I have begun to heal my lack of self worth through self care and self love, and am now beginning to experience the type of relationship with my daughters that is less based on need, and more based on me simply being me and allowing them to be them…
Angela honesty in your writing has been incredible to read. I have seen this happen so often with many people and noticed the levels of exhaustion many women go to in order to take on these beliefs. So great to hear this topic shared and talked about with such understanding and without judgement.
I can relate too Sally, as I deepen my relationship with myself, the relationship I have with my mother has changed so much – it’s such a relief when you let go of playing the roles of mother and daughter!
That is so true Vanessa – ‘..I can only love anyone else as much as I allow myself to be loved by me.’. Connecting to this makes everything so very simple.
This is a lovely account of your journey of motherhood and a deeply honest one. Thank you. Much stood out but today particularly the bit about you allowing and accepting your full beauty allowed your daughter to do the same. It is so simple yet so far away for so many people. Thank you for showing how it can be.
Thank you Silvia for sharing so openly how abusive becoming a parent can be. Having children to fulfill emotional needs and emptiness is very common, even though it should be widely accepted as child abuse. It is a vicious cycle that keeps us in emotional dependency repeating the same pattern from one generation to another. Your blog shows how we can break this cycle and be truly loving in any relationship.
I love how you say you became friends with your own body. Definitely a friendship to honour, cherish, deepen and appreciate for the rest of ones life.
Yes I love it too – looking at it just makes me smile and fills me with warmth.
Absolutely agree Lucinda – the power of reflection is HUGE, and we all have a great responsibility to reflect what is true and loving.
Thank you Gill – yes I do now understand true equality and that as a daughter – its actually harmful for me to hold back the wisdom I might feel around my parents, just because I am their sibling.
Its been a great cycle to break – now feeling I can share my feelings with my parents without any roles attached!
Hi Hannah. Yes that is true freedom!
Yes Hannah. How freeing and empowering for everyone, since you have chosen to embrace your equality with your parents and not hold back your wisdom or anything else there is to express.
Exactly Jess, and it completely changes a parents responsibility. The question is not can I afford to have children, but do I have a loving relationship with myself first, that I can then share and develop with a child?
Great point, Rebecca – something for all would-be parents to consider: ‘do I have a loving relationship with myself first, that I can then share and develop with a child?’
That question would indeed change completely the parents responsibility and if I may add this would be a important change as well. Imagine when we all have a loving relationship with ourself first . . . there were no relationship based on needs anymore – wunderbar.
I agree with you Annelies that this blog transcends mother and daughter. without loving oneself, there is no foundation for any relationship.
I just felt to echo your words Annelies and say yes, I too came to that awareness after meeting Serge Benhayon that I had once been a part of that consciousness that believed that we had to behave in a certain manner before we were worthy of love. How freeing it is to know that the simplicity of truly loving oneself first is the only pre-requisite to it being there for all others in equal measure.
Wow I love this, shows us a real Mother Daughter relationship is possible and can be rebuilt from what we’re told is supposed love to a truly loving relationship, an article for us all.
Yes I agree Jamie it is an article for us all regardless of whether we still have a relationship with our mother. What is shared here is relevant to any relationship that we have and the opportunity to build true intimacy with all the people in our life. We can start with one and expand out from there…something I am continually working on.
Gorgeous to read and share in, thank you… I appreciate what is possible through commitment to nominating what is happening and comes up in our lives “And that is what we as parents, mothers and fathers alike, can all do … being truly open to all the beauty and true expression that come from a child when they are being met for who they are. It feels amazing.” True joy is knowing, being aware that I have looked into another eyes and appreciated their natural divinity and beauty.
This beautiful story of a mother and daughter allowing a deep relationship to unfold together equally is a true inspiration for others. Love between mother and daughter is so often presumed and understood to be something else, not as described here, but with a lot of dependency and attachment, expectations and possessive emotional reactions. This relationship has cleared those through working together to expose them, and so true love is able to exist.
What a great gift you are passing onto your daughter – the both of you learning how to have a true relationship between Mother and daughter, this is what ever child I believe is craving for to be truly loved and met by their parent.
The irony of imposing on needs on our children or partner is that in my experience it leads to long term resentment, which can over time can be then difficult to pinpoint why we feel this way. We find it difficult to acknowledge, for example, that we might resent our parents, because they have done nothing wrong and everything “right”. Yet the fact is that emotional love that pulls on us to give back is an imposition and it therefore understandable why we come to resent this for it is not true love. Having said that, all relationships are a two way street, and always we must look at, for example in this situation, why it suited us to “be needed” by our parents or partner.
Great point, Adam, the imposition or need can be a two way thing, and it is only when we develop a deep connection to ourselves that we are able to discern and heal the parts of the relationship that don’t feel true, bringing greater awareness and then being able to work on this together.
I completely agree – over time resentment at the expectations of our partners, parents or children can build up and put a wedge between people – and all because emotional love comes with conditions and arrangements where as true loves is unconditional.
This is such an important topic and it raises many points to consider. As a mother of three girls, I can relate to much of what you have said. It was easier for me to break the cords you speak about with the first two girls, because I could just turn my focus to the younger one. It’s been a more difficult journey for me letting go of the need I had to be needed with my youngest daughter. Becoming aware of my needs and the expectations I have on how relationships should be has helped me start to heal some of my unhealthy patterns. Being more self loving and not looking to others to love me more than I love myself has been key.
Great insight into what most mothers would be able to contest to-feeling like they want to be needed from their children.
What if all parents to-be made the commitment to build a truly loving relationship with themselves first before embarking on having children? That would change the face of the earth.
It certainly would Maryline, and what beautiful, blessed children these would be to have parents who were truly living their lives with a solid foundation of love and self-care underneath them. This would enable children to flourish and retain their true essence and not be afraid to hold on to who they truly are. Yes I agree, that would be earth changing.
Absolutely Sandra, this would be a gift in this world!
Maryline. I fully agree with your comments. Build a loving relationship as parents, then start your beautiful family. This earth could definitely do with miracle changes.
Totally Shevon, it’s about being honest in regards our actual intentions for having a child. That is to feel complete as a woman, (a false seed of belief), and additionally to experience and receive love. When we build that love within, we realise that the most important thing is (only) love, and that this cannot be only with, or for, the child we birth, but with everyone, which cancels out that yearning as you share, so typical amongst many women including myself in the past. What we yearn for is ultimately love. If we build and have that love within ourselves, then whether we have a child, or not, matters not. All that matters is love. And sharing and receiving this, blood/family related to us or otherwise. It is only logical thought, laden with beliefs or ideals that distinguishes to reduce the amount of love available to enjoy. Love does not make the distinction. It loves to be more love.
It certainly would Maryline.
Yes imagine having parents that reflected back to you the love you felt within as a tiny child – no separation.How awesome would that be. Definitely something I aspire to in the future starting with loving myself now.
Absolutely Maryline. It would change the reason why parents have children, how parents behaved and acted towards their children, and ultimately it would change the adult the child would grow up to be.
Yes, I like that Maryline, it would safe us a lot of sorrow and hardship.
Yes, I agree Maryline- Where I work I have observed an increase in IVF pregnancies today amongst more woman believing that they are not complete unless they have children. This need to have children is very strong – some couples try multiple times to get pregnant,- up to 10x, paying lots of money, and with the failed attempts they experience financial and emotional heartache and sense of failure or lack of self worth.
Then when this miracle baby arrives it is treated as very precious. The relationship is based on needs and control, instead of true love.
Absolutely Richard. Lesson 1 in parenting classes
Yes Maryline that would be absolutely amazing. By building our own loving relationships with ourselves first we are paving the way for others brick by brick.
This is so true, Maryline. I know that if I had done that I would have been a very different parent.
This is a blog full of, and the expressing of, love. So beautiful to read.
Yes Richard and one that would serve and support the child for the rest of their life.
Yes, Elizabeth, in order to break the cord in relationship we have to wholeheartedly choose true love and nothing less.
I too would like to express my deep appreciation for Universal Medicine as I have 2 daughters they are now 32 and 34 and after I attended lectures by Serge Benhayon I could see how I wanted to own my daughters and that I thought that I knew what was best for them. It has been so freeing for all of us since I have been able to let them go, to let go of how I think their life should look, let them make their own choices and for me to fully accept their choices, and see them as souls having their own journey in this life. This has allowed me to develop a true relationship with them as the young women they are. This is still a development in progress as I realise how ingrained my ideals and beliefs around what it means to be a mother are.
Its great to hear your experience Mary-Louise, of the changes in your relationship and the way you are able to look at the relationship now. I too have two daughters and definitely still have attachments and ideals as to things should be.. but to see them as two souls on their own path helps to break down this parenting consciousness that it is so ingrained.
Thank you Mary Louise, my daughters are quite a bit younger then yours (6 and 12), however I can already feel this process unfolding in our relationship, and see how I have been using them to fulfil a part of me that I have been avoiding for myself, and that that part thats missing is my own love for me and what could be more important, and more inspiring for them to grow embracing love for themselves.
Thank you Mary-Louise for sharing how you see your daughters ‘as souls having their own journey in this life’ and how this has allowed you to not just let go of your picture of how their lives should look but also fully accept their choices and develop a true relationship with them. So inspiring and it helps me to recognise where I still have attachments to how things should look and how damaging this is.
I agree Anna and realising that love is not only ‘available to a select few’ increasing helps me to appreciate that people are not their behaviour .
Loving your Daughter, and loving your neighbour just as much, now thats a new way that could be introduced into society. When I consider loving all equally, I know that is true love. But If I try and favour another, well then I want something back from that person, something I’m not giving myself, LOVE.
This is what I have learned too Vanessa, how much do I allow myself to love me? Every moment is a moment to allow more love in and to let love out. It feels as a constant discarding of the ‘what is not love’ in me, where there is still a need and asking for recognition and to choose to fill this with my own love instead of my partner, my daughter or sons, friends, work etc.
This blog really highlighted equality. The love we have for another has to equal the love you have for the all (everyone else).
If this be your neighbour, house mate or colleague.
Yes the power of reflection is awesome. At present in our mother-daughter relationship, the reflection of me being much more loving, honouring and self-caring to me provides quite a challenge for my daughter, yet at times I can feel her connecting with herself and it is a joy to behold when she then brings out the love and beauty that she is.
I can relate to this too Sally, the more I love and care for myself the more my daughter and I can connect with each other more lovingly. It is work in progress.
That is the key – to just enjoy each other and choosing to be together without any neediness. Goes for all relationships and make the time together so much more deeply joy-full.
I feel the truth within your words Karina – that goes for me also.
Great point venessamchardy, “I can only love anyone else as much as I allow myself to be loved by me”.
When my daughter was born I had that same feeling that she didn’t belong to me but was her own being, I also found this strange but cool. The amazing reflections and learning curves our children take us to never cease to astound me. This is an inspirational blog to all those parents who haven’t managed to break the cord or even know there is a cord.
Yes Kevin, we can learn so much from our children, just because they are little people does not mean they are not wise and all knowing…. we are all wise and all knowing, but whether we accept this or not is a choice we make or have already made!
I wonder if all parents feel that their children don’t belong to them but then over-ride this feeling with the need to love and be loved. I have not been a mother but I can feel how I have mothered the animals I used to have and this has come from a need to be loved and I can see now how suffocating this is.
I wonder this too Alison – if all parents feel that their children don’t belong to them at their birth but then over-ride this feeling with something else based on acquired ideals, beliefs around parenting and/or the fact that they do not live in their fullness themselves. It can feel indeed very suffocating and sad too to be parented from needs, till the point where as a child or growing up adult you can hold the clarity and understanding that this is not right, can see why this is happening and do not buy into it.
Beautifully said Kevin, I can really appreciate the respect and grace you hold for your daughter to be herself and how that fosters and grows her potential.
“I realised that our relationship had been largely based on need and control, and that for it to be based on true love, that I had to let her go, I had to break the cord.” I am not a parent but I can imagine that many parent’s base their relationships with children through need and I know that I have based all my relationships on need whether it is with my siblings, parents, friends and boyfriends. To let go by being able to develop a relationship with myself has changed everything. The need melts away.
It is very common for family members to love each other more than someone else. How strange is it that we accept this without any questioning of it? I feel that it will take a long time for society to develop the openness it needs to consider that love is not an expression of attachment that we do for another, but of an allowing and holding another in your presence wherever they may be at in their lives. If love is accepted to be this very simple choice of being present, it makes no sense that we should attribute it to something we only feel towards a certain group. If we are love, all we need to be is present.
Thank you for expanding on this Jinya. Beautifully said” love is not an expression of attachment that we do for another, but of an allowing and holding another in your presence wherever they may be at in their lives”
Beautiful Jinya, thank you for sharing this wisdom. ‘Love is an allowing and holding another in your presence wherever they may be at in their lives.’
This feels very true to me too Elizabeth, ‘I realised that our relationship had been based on need and control, and that for it to be based on true love, that I had to let her go, I had to break the cord’. This is great for me to read as a mother of a young boy, I can feel how I can be controlling and that I have many expectations on how he should be and who he is with, it feels hard on my body and I can get anxious when I’m trying to control and protect him and when I let go of this and allow him to be without all of my needs and all of the control our relationship feels so much more simple and respectful.
I can relate very much Syvlia, in the past I would do everything for my daughter, putting her needs before my own, which made me feel needed, but at the same time, all the doing for her kept me busy in not feeling my own emptiness. About 5 years ago, she decided to move back to Scotland, even before she left, I could feel the space opening up for myself and I could also feel, okay this is about me now or rather it is about putting me first in my life. And how my life has transformed, as I have made many different choices that have brought me back to living more from my stillness and wisdom within, thus I have more to give from a quality that was not there before; Love.
Wow this is lovely to read Jacqueline, ‘I could feel the space opening up for myself and I could also feel, okay this is about me now or rather it is about putting me first in my life.’ It makes me aware of how I often put my son first, I recently started to work a lot more and it has felt great to be out in the world working as me, instead of everything being based around being a mother to my son.
I too have a daughter and find many parallels in our stories, namely, being aware of what I have put on my daughter out of my needs and my letting go of this and allowing all of her to shine through. All parents love their children and want the best but sometimes other needs and emotions can get in the way of a relationship based on true love and equality. What a great opportunity you offer others through your willingness to share so candidly your relationship and it’s development through your understanding of all of this.
Thank-you for sharing this beautifully inspiring article on how by being honest and choosing to develop a loving relationship with yourself first has allowed your relationship with your daughter to not be one based on being needed but one that flourishes from love.
I would say that the honesty you speak of Deidre is a critical key, without it we don’t get to truly see the choices we have made or are making and with it, well, we are giving ourselves and each other an openness and wonderful opportunity to express outwardly the love that we are already made to be. Honesty brings light and love and seeds forth a true path to truth.
I agree Kelly, this is an amazing example of changing the foundations of a relationship between parent and child.
Yes Joel it is. And an amazing example of how we can change the foundations of any relationship based on need not true love
and that changing any relationship starts with changing our relationship to ourselves – to a more self loving and self-fulfilling way of being with oneself. Once we have made this choice and live it in our everyday life, every relationship is a gift.
So true Gemma, once we choose to truly take care of ourselves, every relationship is a gift – because the pressure and need is no longer there.
Exactly Gemma, it all starts by building a loving relationship with ourselves first, then as we become full with our love we do not have to seek out side of ourselves.
True Gemma, and what I’ve noticed is that the more I deepen my own love, the more each of my relationships changes without me doing anything.
Gemma, it all comes back to self, building that loving relationship with self, which is the foundation of all relationships.
Simply powerful Joshua. Being honest and choosing love.
So true Victoria, we can mother in lots of ways, even our pets! It is well worth bringing attention to this and seeing just how much it can play out in all of our relationships if we allow it. I learnt a lot about myself when I recognised that I was mothering my work colleagues!
You might read this at first and think “wow, such dependency”, but actually the truth of it is how much dependency and neediness is in so many relationships in an insidious way. I really understood how it is important to become very sensitive to what is going on in close relationships, but not reactive to it – just observing with space around what is being observed, so it can register – oh there is a neediness, an emptiness or sadness in what I just felt in my body and the thoughts around it. So often instead we go straight into blaming or feeling hard done by in our relationships particularly with close family, without actually seeing the values we hold on to and that keep us imprisoned as well as the other person. I really appreciate the sharing about coming back to love within myself, when I feel more love for one person than another. This is a huge awareness of what true love means and how if we start comparing love or measuring it between people, it is simply means we are not loving ourselves truly.
I love what you say here Victoria about checking our mothering energy, whenever we find ourselves over-exercising it, in all relationships, so true.
There is something very powerful activated in our relationships when we no longer need them. Need is a kind of poison that gives us an illusion of control, but it crushes the beauty and potential that arises when two people choose to be together, and allow the love and connection unfold itself. Control might give us a small comfortable arrangement, but the freedom of love gives us keys to a Kingdom beyond imagining.
You have touched on the belief that love is something we can distribute like favours – a little bit for this one, some more for that one, lots of love for this person, and none for that one. Yet there is an energetic quality to love, and hence laws of energy that it must obey. The nature of love is to be equal for all. This is such a challenge to the notion that we can love our family and leave others out. It is blogs like this that turn our ideas of love on their head and show us all that for love to be love it can only be expressed Universally.
Well said Rachel and a great reminder that true love can only flow when there is no longer a need. It is ironic, because we latch onto need and control because we so desperately want to feel love, but in its essence it can only truly be there if we let go.
i love your expression here Rachel “that love is something that we can distribute like favours’ ; hand pick those we do and do not love. It is an illusion and this way of loving is about mutually fulfilling needs. When the needs are met then we feel what we have interpreted as love. But as this blog and again your comment so beautifully exposes love is a state of being , an energy that either is expressed or not, and when it is it is there for everyone equally.
What a great blog to ponder on. There are many subtle forms of control and manipulation that can be present between Mum and daughter and this has opened the door on exposing the emotional and needy form of love that we accept as normal and presents also the deep quality that naturally can be there if we first choose to be honest about what we need the relationship for. I’m wondering how many women become mothers to impose this need for love onto their child without discovering it for themselves first.
Yes Vanessa I agree and we are wondering why in our society a lot of women are not who they truly are – how could they if they already learn at such a young age that control and manipulation is a normal thing to do.
The relationship with your parents is so important. I am learning that it is not about being dependent of my parents, but as you share, have an open relationship based on love and the connection you have. It is just as every other relationship a great way to learn and develop together to who we truly are.
Beautifully said Benkt. Like any of our relationships for our relationship with our parents to be healthy and truly loving it must constantly grow and develop and support us to heal by letting go of what is not supporting and nourishing that growth.
It is awesome you are so loving and supportive of your daughter going to live overseas. As a parent I can understand how you may feel. As you’ve shared on your comment, by you becoming more connect to who you are, you were able to let go of the ‘need’ for her and allow her to choose where she wanted to be. I left my family in England when I was 25 to live in Australia. I knew it was difficult for them to accept my decision but I felt that this is where I wanted to be. I wasn’t at all supported for my move to Australia but I knew that this is where I wanted to live and I had made the right choice for me.
Thank you Susie, I shall remember this comment as it feels relevant to me at this time.
That was very brave of you Chan, it is just as important for the child to break the ties that bind with their parents also whether it is done by following your heart or as calling all that is not love out. My son did just this in our relationship and would not have a bar of me if he detected even a hint of need in me. It was devastating at first as I felt so rejected but then it was totally liberating as I realised that it wasn’t me he was rejecting it was me not being me. We now have a great relationship although as with all my children there is always more subtle ties and patterns to cut..
The idea that if we don’t love our neighbour then we cannot love our closest relative is a difficult one to accept yet that is where true love is for me too. If I have a lack of love for anyone then I am not truly living love and am not able to be loving with anyone, regardless of how much I may try and convince myself otherwise.
An honest and true statement Stephen, and yes one that can be difficult to accept. We cannot ‘try’ to love someone, but the more we truly connect to the love within ourselves the more we naturally love everyone else, equally. I’m not there yet, but I am working on it and have found that appreciating myself and others support me in coming back to love.
Beatuifully said Sandra. ‘but the more we truly connect to the love within ourselves the more we naturally love everyone else, equally’ Love has become personalised ‘I love you’ is repeated on every media channel. ‘Loving all’ is the only way for mankind.
Your comment ‘If I have a lack of love for anyone then I am not truly living love,’ really struck me Stephen. We often think love is an act, something we do, and that can be switched on for this person but off for another. The idea of living love is very profound but makes sense. It’s a connection that will be expressed in everything that you do, or not.
Well said Stephen – it is a concept that has been around for a long time (love thy neighbour), but it seems that it has been lost in translation in society – you just have to look at the amount of wars in the world, and unrest, as well as how we communicate with eachother on a daily basis to know that we are certainly not loving everyone equally
Before Universal Medicine I would not have seen anything wrong with the way you parented. It looked to all intents and purposes very loving, attentive and caring and yet energetically, when parenting comes from expecting the child to fill our emptiness it is awful for everyone. The child feels the imposition and needs, and is not free to just grow up and be themselves. The mother is trapped in manipulation and feeling empty, with only momentary filling of needs. Loving and being loved without need is our natural way and it is a joy to return to this.
This is very true Fiona. What appears to be a good, loving relationship is far from that if honesty and truth is the marker. Opening up these discussions about what is really going on from both the parents and children perspective is going to support us all to step away from the false way of parenting and towards, as you say, our natural way.
I agree Fiona and Vicky, cutting the cords that keep us bound in emotionalism and neediness is the first step in building a foundation for true love, with everyone, including ourselves.
absolutely Vicky, opening up the conversation and becoming honest about which building blocks our relationships stand on is crucial. When i read all the comments it is easy to see how so many, including myself, were blinded by ideals of what a loving relationship entails and it took Serge Benhayon to bring in a whole new energetic insight into what true love is. There is so much to be debunked here especially when it comes to parents and children.
Yes, Mary, this needs to be shared with many parents and these conversations that we are having online need to be taken to parents everywhere. For ourselves and our children.
‘Loving and being loved without need is our natural way and it is a joy to return to this.’ Absolutely true Fiona.
Yes – beautifully said!
So true Fiona, it is indeed a trap, we set ourselves up to stay small and needy. That is why it feels so liberating to build our relationship of love with ourselves first, then we are not seeking the recognition or approval from outside.
Yes, Fiona, it is not surprising that daughters feel the need to get away from their parents and stand on their own two feet – I have seen parents devastated when their daughters leave home – your story is one of true love and lasting friendship – letting go of the cords is something I am still working on with my daughter but our relationship already feels like a great friendship.
I agree Fiona, once this would have seemed normal to me also. Now that I understand the truth of love versus emotional love the emotional love feels so imposing and needy. Understanding this has allowed me to choose true love not just with my daughter but in all my relationships as I love my self first and have no need for anyone to fill anything in me.
Fiona your last line ‘Loving and being loved without need is our natural way and it is a joy to return to this’ feels like the definition of true freedom to me.
What an amazing development from looking outside of you for love to finding it within you; the way you describe the relationship with your daughter feels very mature and truly loving now, a true inspiration.
This is so lovely Danna. What an inspiration to mothers and daughters everywhere.
Love bath ! Did someone say love bath? I’ve got my towel, soap, flannel, I’m there. Not sure my teenage son will want to join me but I’m gonna have a long soak.
This is great to hear Dana. The formula can be taken into all of our relationships.