Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with as there are just so many ideals and beliefs on what a parent should look like and behave like.
There are also many parents who may make it look like everything is ‘all good’ on the outside but really you can feel that this may not always be the truth. Even writing on the subject of parenting felt like a topic that only certain people could possibly write about.
I have often thought that I was not a very good parent, but can today question this: by whose standards am I not enough? I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.
I now know that I am a great parent and the evidence is in my child, but I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.
Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with, particularly if we let ourselves be run by the many ideals and beliefs on how the perfect parent should be. I know that I have had many pictures in my head about what the perfect parent should look like.
One thing is for sure, I am not perfect and parenting really has taught me so much and continues to do so every day, in so many ways. It has not been easy and there have been many times that I have wanted to give up and run away, but I am still here 12 years later and I can look back on those years and really appreciate how far I have come and all that I have to offer as a parent, not just to my child but to all children in my life.
I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters. We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.
I am a single parent and have always used this fact to confirm to myself that I was somehow a victim, and that being a parent is so much harder for me, but the truth is, it really doesn’t matter whether you are single or not, it is how you choose to parent that matters most and that of course will depend on the individual child, as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings.
I used to think that it was hard as I was alone in this role of raising a child and everything depended on me, and if anything went wrong, or if my child made the wrong choices, it would be all my fault. How wrong was I!
First of all, to even think that I am the only person in my child’s life and her only influence is just crazy. I used to keep us separate from others without realising, and these days I have turned that around.
I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it. I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of.
What this has allowed me to see is that we are never alone and that we are part of a much bigger family, and that there is so much support there for us. It is amazing to recognise the impact this has on our lives.
Recently we celebrated my daughter’s 12th birthday and I decided to have a family dinner, as she didn’t want a party. It was very special as when thinking of who her family was, I had to invite quite a lot of people.
The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking. We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings.
How much we share and let others support us really is up to us. I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone.
I have also seen my responsibility as a parent does not only include my own child, but all children in my life equally, as they are all equally important. This does not mean I have to control other children but, rather than leave things to their mum or dad to sort out, I can talk to anyone’s children and bring their awareness to what’s going on. I can also encourage them and confirm them in ways that perhaps another cannot. If we all express our special qualities and what comes naturally to us and share this with others, we all benefit.
Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault. I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.
It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way. I’ve realised that I have no right to try to coerce my child to excel in a certain area of school because I might need that for my own recognition. It is also not my place to get in the way of her life and to fix things for her, otherwise she will not learn from her own choices and consequences. This has been a big lesson for me to learn and to surrender to – and one that I am still working on as I become more and more aware of my tendency to want things to be a certain way.
One thing that I am really learning about these days is my responsibility as a parent. I can honestly say that I have been through and trialled a few different parenting approaches and one that didn’t work at all was the ‘laissez-fair’ approach, which translates into just letting children do their own thing. I also tried the ‘no boundaries’ approach and let my daughter be a ‘free spirit’, but I am still dealing with the consequences of that today.
I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.
I used to need my child to like me and to be my friend, but because of this I was so easily manipulated into doing things that I didn’t want to do, or I allowed myself to be walked over. Through realising how damaging that was I have now stopped imposing myself on my child. She is not here to make me feel enough, or so I can be identified by her.
We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another. I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.
By Rosie Bason
Further Reading:
Re-claiming the Responsibility of Being a Parent
Parenting from the Heart
Building true relationships and positive parenting
“we are never alone and that we are part of a much bigger family,” This is a beautiful realisation and learning for every parent and child.
I am not a parent, but I know from being around children that there is much to learn from them and they can learn from me. No different to adult to adult relationships.
Our kids are eternal expansion but by applying the constraints of beliefs, ideals, hopes, dreams, aspirations and expectations on them we crush them into submission and dim their natural light. It happened to all of us and we, in turn, do it to our kids.
If we could only remove the word ‘mistake’ from our language then the world would be a much truer place. It is such a damning word that has horrible repercussions and a word that often leads to more negativity. It is much more truthful to free ourselves up from the constraints of viewing something as a ‘mistake’ and see it as a ‘springboard for evolution’. By changing the way that we describe/view something we are able to change potential contraction into expansion without having to actually change the situation or the experience itself.
I think that it’s also very limiting to believe that parenting is always about our relationship with those who are younger than us, I am coming to realise that we can be parented by our own kids as well as others who are younger than us. Parenting surely is simply about guidance, be that in the form of counsel, role modelling, support, understanding, nourishing and nurturing etc. There are so many way that we can parent another and the world would be so much richer if we didn’t hold back with who and when we parented from truth.
Traditionally parenting is about having very set ideas about how we want our kids to turn out and doing our damn-ness to make it happen. We do this in every conceivable way, we put our kids in certain schools and certain activities, we instruct them to behave in certain ways, we punish and chastise them for behaving or not behaving according to our set ideas about how they should behave, we nag and cajole them constantly. We also praise and encourage them according to what we deem is worthy of our praise. We micro manage our kids constantly with our eyes fixed very securely on the end result that we want to achieve. The image of a sausage meat factory comes to mind, rather than the glory of allowing and recognising that our kids have so much already within them and so much to explore and experience based on their own specific needs as the individual that they were born as. Am I advocating that we simply let them go, no, not at all but simply suggesting that we don’t try and get our kids to match our pre set ideas about who we think they should be.
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next”, this is pure gold. No time spent lamenting about what we could have done differently, no time wasted torturing ourselves over what we did or didn’t do, no time spent wishing that we had done things differently, just a simple ‘so what, I’ll use this experience to make a better choice next time’, love it’s simplicity.
Thank you Rosie, we can all re-learn how important parenting is and that self-parenting can set a trend for every other relationship we have as we never stop parenting in one form or another.
Absolutely, we are here to reflect and inspire another by how we are and how we live, ‘as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.’
What arises in a relationship between a parent and child is the opportunity for growth. It is not about the parent telling the child what to do or trying to fix them but being open to what is on offer for all parties to deepen the relationship by deepening the relationship to self.
Rosie, this feels so true; ‘How much we share and let others support us really is up to us. I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone.’ I love to ask for support from people that I know in my community and enjoy supporting others, this feels very natural and is a win, win situation for everyone.
Great article. It is lovely to read that you are appreciating yourself, this feels important to do as a parent, there is so much advice about parenting which can be really confusing. Parenting in a way that feels true for us and our child is the most simple way of parenting.
Great claiming, and realisation, ‘I now know that I am a great parent and the evidence is in my child, but I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.’
A beautiful lesson on parenting and an inspiration for all the children in your wider family of how we are all responsible for raising each other.
Since having children I realise how it takes a community to raise them – not just blood family but people around you. I now have many role models who are part of my children’s lives – and it is a joy to see that parenting is not just about mum and dad but about a community working together.
Great blog Rosie, so much to learn about parenting starting with how we parent ourselves. I had four children to parent on my own for quite a number of years, and yes I did have boundaries but there was a lot of control, it was do as I say, and the thought of looking for support was out of the question, I felt at the time I had to go it alone. I love how you have let go of the ideals and beliefs around parenting and found that being true to your self, finding your own truth, and holding your daughter as equal with her own wisdom to share, also opening up to realise that we are all one big family, living on planet earth.
If there is something that is profoundly and disturbingly run by pictures and images, it is parenting.
I can really relate to feeling the burden of being a single parent and that it was all down to me. When we were discussing it recently my daughter supported me to feel how quick I am to be hard on myself for the ‘mistakes’ I am so aware of having made but slow to appreciate the many things that I did well. I can’t change the past but I can be open to and appreciate how our relationship is evolving as 2 adults.
Your daughters birthday meal sounded lovely, a mix of all ages coming together to celebrate her. My daughter had a similar meal last year and hasn’t stopped talking about it. She enjoyed it far more than any of her ‘parties’.
Children have a wonderful way of teaching us that we have a lot to learn from them.
And we can learn a lot if we get our arrogance and ‘better than you’ attitude out of the way and be open to learning.
Yes, a friend pointed this out to me yesterday and it made us really laugh as I was caught up in blame or it’s nothing to do with me … when I was just not wanting to see what was actually being reflected to me in that moment.
Brilliant Rosie – I feel what you share here can be applied to all relationships we have. It’s never our job to fix or to mould another into a picture we have but just to role model embracing Love. What another chooses to do with this is up to them, we align to the divine but can’t control what happens next.
Yes, it does apply to any and all relationships. We can only be responsible for our part, live it and then allows others to choose their part.
We have a choice to think we are not good enough at this or that, or we can appreciate ourselves for what we are doing, knowing that what we are doing is true for us, ‘I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.’
I know! How often do we compare and how often do we appreciate. I know that for a long time I was well practised in criticizing and ripping myself to pieces rather than appreciating the good choices I have made.
There is such a strong belief for many that as parents we have to ‘do it alone’ and that it is a ‘failure’ if we have to ask for support. When we look back at ancient cultures it was never just the responsibility of one or two people to raise a child but the whole family and community played a part as this is needed. It is our natural way to have many people play a part in raising and supporting the development of a child.
We all have so much to offer by way of reflection to children, to keep them isolated with just one or two parents is a shame as they really do miss out.
Many people realize there is a responsibility in parenting, but until we know ourselves, then we just cannot know or define what that responsibility is.
Scratch the surface of most peoples lives and the perfect picture on the outside is seen as the facade it is.
I like this and it is so true. It is refreshing when you meet people who are not putting on a front and are transparent and open.
Seeing our mistakes for what they are, learning from them and moving on is the way to go, I love the book Whoops Oops by Sunlight Publishing as it is really great for both adults and children for learning to embrace our mistakes.
Yeah, no point dwelling on your mistakes or beating yourself up as that just keeps you in it, rather than learning and moving on.
I just love this blog – there are so many words of gold in it. “Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with, particularly if we let ourselves be run by the many ideals and beliefs on how the perfect parent should be.” We set ourselves up to fail especially when we have a picture of how we ‘should’ parent. As you mention, we just need to be our true selves and feel what is needed in each moment.
My daughter was having a go at me the other day saying just because you wrote a blog about parenting, doesn’t mean you are a good parent… and I have to agree, but its good to write about it, talk about and share because we all start to see that there are many of us, all with our own lessons and things to learn in this journey of parenting.
Yes, I agree – that is how we all learn, through living life, learning from our decisions and learning from others too. Writing, reading and talking about our experiences is part of this because it shows us different perspectives and other ways of doing things that we might not have got to so quickly on our own.
‘It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way. I’ve realised that I have no right to try to coerce my child to excel in a certain area of school because I might need that for my own recognition.’ – this is a biggie and something I have had to work very hard at. I have certainly struggled with ostensibly wanting to support my children so their journey post school is as ‘easy’ for them as possible in terms of job opportunities etc. All this translates into wanting them to do well at school so they have options after school. However, what I have come to realise is that because I wasn’t every engaged at school, my grades weren’t good enough to get into a lot of places and I felt a sense of failure as a result. This consequence was personal to me, as part of my learning, and has nothing to do with my children. So, to interfere in their learning is very dis-empowering for them. They need to have consequences for their choices, this is how they get to learn their lessons, which are unique for them, and in so doing, this is what stops them from repeating the same patterns over and over. The more we try to control outcomes for our children, the more we dis-empower them and retard their learning and evolution.
I agree one hundred percent! I used to worry about my daughter having the same experience as me as I was molested as a child, but reality is, we are all here with our own lessons to learn as part of our own karma. Our children have their own and it may not be anything like ours.
‘I now know that I am a great parent and the evidence is in my child, but I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.’ – love what you share here, Rosie.
Needing certain ‘results’ to feel like we’re meeting the false ideals and beliefs we’re fed about what it is to be a ‘good parent’ is a ginormous trap that it’s so easy to fall into, I know I have. As you say, the greatest gift we can offer our children is to be our true selves and to meet them for their true selves whilst supporting them to share the love and light that they are in this world of ours, that can be very challenging to navigate at times.
Be yourself and reflect that, then the child gets to see that they are enough just as themselves and they don’t need to try or morph into anyone else or do anything to be enough.
Rosie, this is very beautiful and feels like true parenting; ‘We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another. I am here to support and guide her but not control her.’ I particularly like that we are to support and guide our children and not control them, I have noticed that if I try and control my son this feels hard in my body and he does not like this, I am learning that there is a different way and that he needs to make his own choices and learn from these, this feels much more true and empowering and much less hard in my body.
Children has been taught to blame their parents, which they often do…. but giving them the power so to speak, to make and feel the consequences of their own choices, gives them the opportunity to be responsible or not and learn how it is up to them really.
We do naturally know how to parent but we get caught up in the right and wrong and the berating if we get it wrong. As long as we are willing to observe and learn from the things that maybe are not working so well and be honest with ourselves and with the children then parenting does not have to be as complicated as we sometimes make it
There is a quality of humility in accepting that we are all equal and learning alongside one another, that is one of the greatest gifts we can bring to parenting.
There is a lot of pressure to be perfect and get it right….. but in showing others that we are not and that we are all equal and always learning, gives them permission to not be perfect too…. ah a sigh of relief!
When you actually try and imagine what perfect is, you realise that it is simply an illusionary idea based on yet more illusionary ideas. It’s not a solid tangible thing at all and is different according to who you ask . The idea of being perfect is just that, an idea, a notion, you can’t grasp it and never can it be reached or achieved.
Rosie, this is such a beautiful article, there is much wisdom here that is really supportive to read; ‘I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.’ I am learning that trying to control my child does not work, that my child needs to make his own choices and learn from his mistakes and that as a parent I cant protect him as this only causes frustration from him and exhaustion for me.
There is a great difference between mothering and smothering. And you don’t need to have given birth to be in the position to do either….and we can mother or smother both children and adults.
The most important things I am learning about parenting is the the same in every aspect of what I’m learning in my life, and that is to be and bring all of me without holding back. My reflection is what does the parenting.
We can isolate ourselves so easily without seeing we are doing it and then run with the victim mentality that squashes any openness to support. Our children are already community beings, they know we are not here to live in isolation, so our fear of asking for help goes against everything the child knows to be true. Great blog for us all to read to remind us what we can offer our children as they grow up in our care.
Yes it is quite common for us to isolate ourselves yet it is the very opposite of how we love to live, and unfortunately, the separate, isolated way has become more and more accepted yet not what we all deeply want or crave in our lives.
All parents, need more parents like you around, as it is the friends and support that we have around who are not attached emotionally that can be like lighthouses in the midst of a storm, there to light the way when things get tricky.
Thanks Willem, it is a great idea but I really at times struggle with the whole thing, so writing a blog is one thing, but writing a book is another. Maybe one day when I have mastered the teenage years I may, but for now, I am learning, experimenting, getting it wrong, learning, letting go of my own beliefs, healing my old hurts… its all happening and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
At present I am seeing reflections of how I lived as a teenager and what troubles I caused to those around me and it is a great learning.
I always said that I wouldn’t parent a child on my own without a father’s presence. This was a fixed picture I had about how parenting should be that was very far away from the reality. In fact we all are parenting all the time not only biological but of every children we meet with, of every children who see us in the street. So everyone has the opportunity of sharing themselves everytime as the example that they can be. When we see the whole picture, we are able to connect with the responsibility that this entails.
We have so many thoughts and beliefs of how I will do it… (in an ideal world and perfect picture)!! but reality is not that. We are all parents and we can all make a big difference in each others lives if we are open to not making it about ourselves and supporting each other and not getting caught in any roles.
Thank you Rosie, parenting can be an amazing experience when we approach our children or another person as an equal with the knowing that we are here to learn from each other’s differences and offer true support to be who they truly are.
Yes Francisco, I agree. There is always so much to learn from each other and It can be very difficult if we have expectations, judgements and need things to look a certain way.
Reading your blog made me wonder if there are any parenting forums out there .. I checked and there aren’t that many. I am not a parent but have nephews and nieces and from experience of other parents know they need someone to talk to. You are right it is not about being perfect. Only the other day I was at a workshop that asked how would you parent your children (if you had any for those that didn’t) and for me what came was in knowing we are both equal I would learn just as much from them as they would from me. I would have to deal with and heal things from the past in how I was brought up so I didn’t impose these on another and ultimately I felt it was about providing a safe space that they could be held in to enable them to be all that they are ✨
Hi Vicky, there are some parenting forums, and Facebook groups but I find that most don’t work because we all let our own ideals and beliefs get in the way and feel judged and therefore don’t want to be part of the group. Its such a tricky subject this parenting and quite individual for each young person so there is no one answer for all.
And on the subject of dealing with how you were brought up and any hurts you may still carry, it is something we can all do, parent or not but when you are a parent, it is often triggered just a bit more when you have a mini me in front of you, reflecting it all to you.
Our role as parents requires an enormous level of responsibility and honesty. If we are not willing to deal with our own hurts of the past and childhood issues, then out of reaction to what has occurred to us, we try to control and protect the child to fit what we think is the best way they ought to be which is simply a perception that has come about from what we have experienced. This however is not the truth, for if we had truly healed our hurts from the past we would not need the child to be any way at all! They can be themselves and we can simply be their inspiration and guide.
Even when we think we have healed from the past, there are times or events that trigger or cause me to react for example and I am coming to appreciate these uncomfortable moments, as it brings my awareness to another part of my life that I may have buried and not really dealt with.
With consistency we bring to our children a wonderful foundation.
This point about not feeling that we are enough, and then questioning by who’s standards are we judging ourselves by is huge. Perhaps it is in these moments when we stop that these questions are given the most space.
The exclusive ideal of “this is my family” and everyone else is not part of it, is ridiculous in the way it splits humanity into segments and maintains those boundaries as if they are something to be championed, when that is not the truth of our essence.
There are certain practicalities to the commitment of being a ‘main’ adult figure in a child’s life, but further than that what a blessing that there are a plethora of amazing people each able to offer a reflection and understanding according to their own flavour of life.
Yes, I love and appreciate all the mother and fatherly figures I have myself as well as the ones that my daughter has. The more the better, I say!
Children do make their own choices… And if we as parents can let go of our desire to control, then we can as Rosie says, simply be there as role models and leading by example
Yes Chris, and what do we think, gives us the right to get in their way, or their learning. If we try to control and not let them make choices and suffer the consequences, how will they learn and know how to live in life.
Reading this blog is very inspiring as it comes clearly from what you have learned. There is something very valuable that comes with lived experience that you can’t find in most textbooks at the moment.
I grew sailing and didn’t go to school too much so never had to deal with text book after text book but rather meeting people and sharing stories and lived experiences. I feel very lucky to be able to have learnt this way as more recently I have been studying and reading textbooks is really hard work as they are so boring and lifeless in so many ways!
“We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.” We are not here to control our children into who or what we think they should be, but to live from our own true essence, holding ourself in love and reflecting this love to them, knowing that they too come from the same essence.
As parents we need to walk our talk – living from ideals of what a parent is and playing any of the many roles and faces we may adopt prevents true connection with the very people we claim to love.
And the reality is, the children see right through the falseness, the lies and double standards.
Recently I have been learning that mothering energy is a beholding energy and that we do not need to have given birth to be a mother. This completely fits with my expereince as someone who did not have children. The more we are able to be with ourselves and hold ourselves steady the better parent we will be.
And I think we can all be so supported, if we realise this as it means that we as the birth mother, do not have to be the only mother…. and this way the child has many reflections and heaps of support. And yes, I know some women who are more like a mother than some that have given birth. The act of giving birth is not the be all and end all that is for sure!
Detachment is good and what I have learnt also is that just because it was my experience when I was a child, it does not mean that my daughter will have the same karma as me so her experience and story will be completely different.
The pictures we have of what a good parent would do or be like are very strong and it is a constant process of revealing and discarding them as we go along. There are also the reactions we have to how we were parented that don’t help at all, as they come loaded with the past and don’t respond to the child in front of us. What I am learning is that parenting needs detachment to give the child space to be themselves and for us to read whats going on. This is the only way we can present what is true for the child so they have the choice, without our needs getting in the way.
Like so much of modern science, parenting has become an evidence based pursuit which leaves us behind as the people who are caught in the relentless swathes of need for recognition and acceptance. Parenting is a science because it is a daily lived experience that as a result shows and teaches more each day because it is about relationships or brotherhood. And although there may not in reality ever be a perfect family – there can be love – and that is what truly counts.
Parenting has such a massive influence on how the child is and grows simply because as parents we form the foundations of what the child initially learns is accepted and not accepted in life. In doing so we can either be confirming the truth they know inside them or equally be imposing on it and promoting the child to shut it away. In this way as parents we have a massive responsibility in how we are when raising a child. But equally the end result of the child’s choices cannot afford to be taken personally as they still are responsible for their own choices even if we have been imposing ideals and expectations onto them or not.
There is that saying monkey see, monkey do and I always think of when I was young and everyone around me smoked, so to me it was normal to smoke…. now I see that it is not.
We learn so much from those around us. It is important to see if we have role models that are supporting us or leading us astray as it is up to us to choose who we hang out with.
When I live my life as a parent, I know I am not the only one living like me. And if as a parent I
did not come to the awareness of truly being a parent until my child was going to pre-adolescent, but still keep connecting in all imperfections and keep opening connections around with school and slowly with friends and family, I know many other parents can do the same. The term single parent has always bothered me, as it gives out a connotation that something is missing from start and that has been the energy I became a parent in–because that is the energy that I already have within myself, that of comparison and feeling not enough. And how many parents–single or not–parent from this place of lack and thus always remain in the state of being controlled by their child–in my observations there are so many. So this realization and a subsequent honesty and a gradual returning back to what is truth, is a process, albeit not an easy one, requiring lots of steadiness and lots of connection, but a process that is not only for me or my child.
There are lots of pictures, ideals and beliefs around single or solo parenting but it doesn’t mean the child gets any thing less. In some cases, it is more loving and a better option for the child to have just one parent rather than be in a family full of abuse and lies.
I am very imperfect in parenting but I appreciate myself as often as possible in being a parent. Every day I am learning more and more what being a parent means. It has highlighted for me how parenting is a responsibility that comes even before the conception of the baby happens. This is an
awareness which I did not have back then and with that I have delayed even more the returning of being true to my child, by the debilitating emotions of guilt. Which when seen in the big picture of learning in life, every step of the process means something and contributes to the next step. Being a parent is the area which reflects back truth to me always.
And there is such a simplicity in this. Inspired by our hearts as headquarters, we can relinquish the agony of trying to get things right by some set of ideals (which often change) about how we should do things.
Thank you for this article, Rosie, a clear confirmation that it is in the way we live that we support, guide, nurture and teach our children and that well spoken words without the examples in what we do, are actually empty rules with which our children can rebel.
Gorgeous Rosie, I love how you parent not from a point of ‘raising a child’ to be something that they weren’t already before, but expanding who they are and supporting them to stay themselves out in the world… And yes you’re absolutely correct – we can offer this support to ALL children not just our own.
Consistency is something I have had to learn first for myself and then to share in my parenting. Still something I am working on… oh another imperfection! But when I do have it, I can feel the support and solidness that it brings.
You said it so well Rosie at the start of this piece when you said: I just need to be my true self. The importance of this goes way deep because with every step that you are you, your child learns that it is safe and normal to be themselves too. Even in the supermarket with children who we do not know, they are always observing and even if it is just a glance, the message remains – you can be yourself in this world.
Rosie, thank you for sharing your experience of parenting, I find this article really helpful, I can feel at the moment that as my son is growing he is wanting to take more responsibility and to make his own choices, I can feel there is a temptation to let him make all his own choices and to completely step back, but actually as a parent this also does not feel right and that having boundaries feels loving and supportive as you say here, ‘I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.’
One thing I have learnt and live is the parenting and mothering is an energy first, well before we have children and we don’t need to have children of our own to live this.
“How much we share and let others support us really is up to us.” So true and when we do open up to that support life shows us how we are not alone but in fact part of a greater family that supersedes bloodlines.
Hi Rosie, I like the point you have made about when you have an agenda or a need this leaves an opening for manipulation. This resonates very strongly for me and is applicable in all our interactions
It is a great point that Rosie makes how as parents we can be so easily manipulated into doing something we don’t want to. Children will at times try it on and they know just how to do it but I am learning to be true to me when this happens. When I slip up and put their needs before mine I know I have an investment, a need, an attachment that needs to be looked at and let go of so that my relationship with my three children is true and a healthy one. I know the fear of losing them is a big one for me… there is much for me to ponder on here.
I have been looking at my investments just this week and realise that I have a lot of them with different people and it is a complete setup and isn’t good for anyone. On one level it is imposing on them and on another level it can leave me frustrated as they are not living up to what I believe is their potential or to the image I think they should be. Once I started to be aware of my investments with one person, I started to be really honest I realised that I have them with lots of people.
Beautiful words Rosie about saying ‘so what’ to our mistakes. Because essentially they do not ultimately define us as the people we are or the parents we have become, they are simply lessons along the way, and like you say, it is not the mistake, or the lesson, itself that matters but what choices we make thereafter. This is a very loving approach not only to ourselves but also to our children, because then they get to learn about learning from mistakes and how this is an integral part of human life, and how this is in fact love.
In thinking about ‘so what to our mistake’ I have noticed lately, and it’s not pretty…. that at times I can focus on the what is not, and focus on the mistake and give it so much attention and make it so much bigger than what it is. It’s almost addictive yet I don’t focus on the what is amazing, the moment of connection, the beautiful moments. They don’t seem to take the front stage, they don’t get the same amount of attention and that is something I have been working on changing. Where do I put my thoughts and my energy. I don’t want to waste it on the mistakes, I want to invest it on the beautiful moments, confirm them and appreciate them and allow more space for them on the centre stage of my life.
We often parent in response or reaction to how we ourselves were parented. As children the foundation of family life is love and this is includes love for oneself and for each other. Children appreciate loving boundaries – even when they try to push the boundaries to make sure they are still there!
The Way of the Livingness as presented by Serge Benhayon is the foundation for humanity to reconnect to the inner hearts and to truly evolve… Along the way such fundamental processes such as parenting are naturally addressed, as when one has a relationship of such depth with oneself, then the dreadful fog of confusion that is around how to be a good parent clears, and we are able to have a totally different experience of parenting.
Ah yes, that dreadful fog of confusion along with all the doubts and what ifs. It is great to be free of it and I know it well and sometimes I even revisit it and and then… remember… to come back to me.
To ascertain the veracity of a teaching, look at what is taught in relation to parenting… for this is where true wisdom is needed
“I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not”.
This is so true Rosie, consistency and lovingly following through is the key to children learning what is healing and harming for themselves and others.
This should be part of a must-read 101 on parenting Rosie, to raise our children to be responsible and responsive to the bigger world out there without losing who they are in the process, is quite something. WE need more of this understanding and appreciation for what a parent can truly offer.
So much is lost or tainted when we impose ideals about parenting and in doing so don’t appreciate that we can learn from our children. It is so important to appreciate they are already enough and remind them of this so they grow up not needing to be anything they are not.
What an important subject to bring to the table for discussion Rosie, there are so many limiting ideals, beliefs and images of how we ‘should’ be as a parent, this can be quite a problem in itself.
As parent I found myself caught in ideals and beliefs of how our children would be or become as an adult, but I have learned that that was a false way of parenting and that it is actually about building intimate and evolving relationships in which there is no push to any outcome or idealistic picture but a freedom to be who you are and to bring that to the world in your own and unique way.
“I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.” Our true selves is what our children love the most – they can read the dishonesty when we aren’t ourselves, when we act from ideals and beliefs…and they feel the loving truth we offer when we are our true selves.
Reading this blog again I’ve realised that we are really guides for our children in that we offer them a reflection of how we can be in life, and how life can be, and it is totally up to them as to how they then choose their life to be.
And at times our children don’t like the reflection that they see and they react, and in those moments its up to me to morph and change so they like me or just stay steady with what feels right for me.
As I continue to let go of the images of what a parent should do or be… it becomes a much more simple role of reflecting back to them what I feel, and connecting and expressing the essence of who I am. After all that is all I want for them – to express themselves in full in a world that is sorely in need of it.
As I read your comment Simon I thought of being the child and how I have always just wanted to been seen for the essence I am and accepted as that. If we as parent have images and impose them on our children, we are essentially saying that they are not enough just as they are.
“I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.” Absolutely Rosie, I have found that the more i appreciate myself the ideals and pictures of what a parent should look like dissolve and I have begun to trust, action and express my instincts, which allows for greater equality and understanding in my relationship with my children.
Love this blog Rosie, – ‘I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.’ There are so many concepts around parenting that ultimately destroy the true relationship we can have wiht our kids .
“I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters.” That is indeed, all that matters.
The pictures of how parenting should be are very harming, in my experience, when I bought into them, the relationship between myself and my child suffered greatly. For children are great in exposing what feels true. One example is the term “single parent” conjures feelings that we are doing it alone, and that it is hard, and this belief confines parents who raise children on their own within an inferior insufficiency, which is not true to begin with.–as we know when we feel that there is a connection between people, all people. Even if we have never felt that, if we become honest, we simply know it is impossible to do parenting alone, and therefore simply by honestly asking for help, we have opened back into the truth that parenting is never a closed blood family thing, and also the truth that in fact there is support everywhere around us. Every “single” parent have the power to live the truth of what is true brotherhood.
As parents we are not looking to be good, but responsible and true. This requires patience and acceptance towards ourselves as well as to our children. One of the downfalls I have experienced in parenting is to judge myself when the expectation I have of the growth of my child is not the same as his expectation, and thus I judge that I have failed and that he is not responsive. Having a picture and expectation of what parenting looks like takes me away from being true. When I let go of how parenting should look like, it changes everything about parenting for me—as it drops expectations and I can then look at each moment to see if it feels complete, if it does not, then I would go back and work it out. The working out also does not have a picture to follow, therefore, the expression only needs to feel complete on my part, to allow my child to have space to make his own choices.
One of the reasons I have always given for not having children is that I never wanted to be a single parent because I knew how hard it was. I now can see this is a concept I created and could see that had I indeed had children I would have kept people away, been so ‘protective’ and wanted all the recognition for hardship and taking the credit for any successes – a whole concoction of unloving beliefs and ideals – I’m the parent so all the child’s choices would have been my fault/ my doing: irresponsible responsibility. Parenting is with us all everyday and it’s so beautiful to be knowingly part of this big family.
I have learnt to embrace the calm waters and the rough seas and not make one better than the other, and to accept that there is both. Not trying to change or need it to be anyway helps.
When it comes to parenting I am often like a ship out to sea, riding along on the waves being tugged and tossed about as the needs take me from one dilemma to the next. And then there are these golden moments, when all the waters are clear and there is but a mere ripple on the surface, it is in these times that I cherish the most what I have, that I pour as much appreciation as I possibly can on to myself, my children and the life we have together, because when things get rough again I know that we will have this beautiful time to fall back on.
‘I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.’ This is all parenting and every other ing I can think of needs to be, when ‘we are ourselves we give others permission to be themselves’ (Teachers Are Gold) and that is everything.
My only daughter speaks about all her sisters and brothers and her mums and dads, this has come from her it’s not a concept or idea of what life should be like but rather really what she feels in her heart, her close friends are her siblings and she knows brotherhood with all of humanity like the back of her hand it is in her and it is beautiful to witness this and learn from her.
Well said Rosie, ‘I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.’
I was considered far too outspoken as a child too. Some people didn’t like when I spoke and exposed everything and for a long time I shut down so that I didn’t upset anyone but that has all changed since I realised that I have a lot to share and it is okay to speak up. In fact, it is so important that we speak up. When we speak up, we inspire others to speak up and it is through open communication that things can change.
And yes, we all learn from one another no matter peoples’ age, ‘We are both here together to learn from each other’.
Being a part of family gives us the opportunity to express our love towards people and to have that love appreciated as the person that you are. This is non exclusive and family can be whatever you want or need it to be. It is the expression that counts.
The best part about parenting for me, is how it is as much about the very practical functionalities of life as it is about the sacred and the divine. Because ultimately, parenting is about people. And as much as we have to learn how to live, how to take care of ourselves and eachother, we can also learn about the essence of who we are and the divinity that lives therein.
With parenting I have learnt and am still learning to let go of all the images and pictures of how I think and thought things should be.
If we make life about victimhood, through parenting we will find a way to become victims as well.
“I now know that I am a great parent and the evidence is in my child, but I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.” To be my true self holds the key for each and every relationship. Parenting is also one.
Parenting is only an expression of ourselves. Important as it is, we cannot reduce ourselves to it.
Parenting in many regards is the antithesis of the idea of one life. What goes on in public is not always what goes on in private. Through parenting we sell images of ourselves.
Parenting is one of these areas in life where there is this feeling we have to perform and where there is easy judgment from others and towards others. The funny thing is that in doing so we buy, without questioning, into the parameters we are judging by.
Parenting, as an experience, is hard when we do not really share ourselves with the world.
Parenting is one of these things totally run by images.
In parenting, like in life in general, comparison is a killer.
Someone who has been hurt while been parented and become a parent him/herself, usually either repeats what he/she went through or makes a clear commitment that his/her children will never go through that. In either scenarios, the hurt we carry continues being the source of what we do. That is why, we have to break free from it to the extent that this is possible.
One of the problems with parenting is how charged this business is with emotions (related to hurts we carry from being parented), expectations (your own about it and everybody else’s -including your own child) and how all differ regarding how the overall assessment of a concrete experience of parenting. According to someone’s experience this can be pretty good, but for another the same thing can be seen with very different eyes based on her/his take on it.
I love how you have taken the concept of family so much wider here Rosie, in that we all have a responsibility to care, protect and guide children that our part of our community.
It is an interesting phrase ‘raising children’ as it sort of hints that we only guide them whilst allowing them to naturally be as much as we can. without imposing our own beliefs and needs on them.
Parenting is such a very individual experience Rosie, as is each relationship we have in life. Whilst there are so many opinions on how children should be raised, we can often fail to actually connect, listen and develop intimacy with the person right in front of us. Whilst we may feel there is safety in applying a rule or method with can overlook using our very own inner guidance systems, our felt sense.
It is great to open up for discussion the topic of parenting as it is something that is not talked about enough. Parents tend to be very sensitive about the subject and often think that when the subject is approached that it is an attack on their parenting skills. We have to get past this in order to have clear and loving discussions about parenting.
Rosie having just become a father to our new born girl I was reading this blog after sitting and appreciating all the support we have, then reading about your experience of being a single mum and saying “it really doesn’t matter whether you are single or not, it is how you choose to parent that matters most” it made me stop and consider, that just with parenting and everything in life it’s how we choose to be that is most important. A great piece of advice as we embark on week 2!
I love the expansiveness of the definition of family here, and one that I’ve come to understand and appreciate too – that the true concept of ‘family’ doesn’t have to be restricted to our blood relatives, but all encompassing of those we have a connection with. Also interesting how we parent ourselves, and each other in all kinds of relationships, all of the time, in the way that we can lead, inspire by example and not control – and simply allow others to be themselves, confirming all that they are and allowing them to make their own choices.
Just when you think you have nailed or understood ‘parenting’ is when you are about to be brought back down to earth. Absolutely appreciate the feelings around breaking through something but don’t stand around on it for too long as like anything it’s forever moving. What you did today if repeated tomorrow may look the same but there is much that is different. We need to keep opening up the book on ‘parenting’ and looking at it wider and wider. Parenting isn’t about being a parent, it’s a living exercise that keeps unfolding wider and wider like I said. If we keep locking parenting in the same box, yes we will make it look better and things may improve but everything outside the box will be the same. In other words this topic is much much bigger than we are currently making it. It’s not about parenting more children or other children, it’s about being more and more aware of the quality we are in when we are called on to speak to or be with anyone.
I have in no way nailed parenting, actually I learn from it each and every day and ask for support and advice all the time because like you say Ray, parenting is much better than we are currently making it.
Thank you Rosie, I read this now after giving birth 4 days ago and wow – all I can say is I am blessed to no longer hold the victim card – as I could easily have seen myself trying to ‘do it all’ an not ask for help, being totally stubborn at this time. But I have come to understand as you have, that we are never alone, that there is always support – and that I am so grateful for all the people I have around me who have been there the past few days. It has allowed me the space to not put myself last, to keep nurturing me so I can fully support the baby. What a necessity to do when bringing a child into the world, and what a reflection that is for everyone else.
Yes, it is a very different way to parent when we open up to the support that is there, sharing the joy and responsibility with family and friends.
It is great that you can allow the support, which then allows you to support the baby more. What I realised when reading this is how so often, new mums think or go into the thing that they are the only one that can settle or care for the baby and shut everyone else out when in fact, the baby will be very happy with others once the mum lets them in. The baby is just responding to how the mum is feeling.
‘I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.’ Comparison is huge in parenting and especially around mothers I guess and we all loose the plot when we compare as we make ourselves more or less than someone else and there is no support in this. Supporting each other in parenting is feeling we all have a responsibility in parenting to raise children with love and understanding that we are equal responsible beings.
“I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters” – well appreciated Rosie, yes, appreciating helps with developing a sense of true worth where the criticism or negative self-talk can feature less and less. Appreciating needs to become a natural part of everyday life!
When we compare ourselves to others we can give ourselves a hard time. We certainly don’t appreciate ourselves enough as parents. Being a parent has changed so much for me over the years, and as our children get older its natural for the relationship to change. I’ve run into difficulty when I’ve tried to hang onto how things were. I’m getting much better at letting go of my attachments.
Yes, Debra, that is a tough one – to let go of any attachments or pictures of how we would like things to be for our children, allowing them to encounter and deal with the unique lessons they are here to learn, just as we need to for ourselves as well.
Rosie I can totally relate to your blog as I too was a single Mum to my children for most of their lives. As a grandparent your words ‘I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is’ reminds me of my role and what it means, because at times I have struggled also with ideals and beliefs around being a grandparent. By being me they have a reflection that it is Ok to be themselves, and that is beautiful to witness and feel when they visit.
I don’t have children, but I am around people who are parenting and have been inspired by what I am observing. The young people in my life feel like family and I treat them like family. This is important as that way we are all learning from each other and are breaking down the barriers that can exist when we consider family only ‘blood family’.
We put parenting in many boxes and perhaps the biggest of all maybe that parenting relates to an adult and a child, usually in a close relationship. For me and what I see this couldn’t be further from the truth and in fact it’s nearly the direct opposite. Sure we parent children but that is only a small part of what parenting is truly about. It’s a relationship with yourself and an energy you hold but has only a small part to do with how you “treat your children”. It’s great to start talking and even better to talk outside the box.
Thanks Ray for bringing the true bigger picture to parenting in that we are also there to role model our own self-care and intimacy with ourselves.
Parenting can be challenging and consuming when we follow the ideals of how to parent. When we step back and address the number one fact – being responsible in our way of living and giving our children this as a point of reflection, there is a wealth to learn from both the parents and the child/children.
Parenting is definatley something that you learn with having children around you, whether it is with your own children or with others. Children have so much to teach and show us, and often express truth in a way that we as adults do not. The sweet innocence of children is refreshing and honest and often comes with a wisdom that is ageless, and we need to learn to listen to our children and trust what they feel. To consider that we as adults are superior to children in some way because we are older is disrespectful and unwarranted, as children have the ability to feel everything and know what is true and what is not.
A lovely article on parenting Rosie, it is remarkable how much there is to parenting, and how we can often put barriers in the way of making parenting easier. Letting others in to family life has to be one of the best ways for a child to learn about values and appreciate and understand different aspects of life. To restrict family to only those blood related can mean we miss out on the qualities of people who might be just what a child needs to develop, learn and grow. I always find it a shame when I see family restricted in such a way, its a rule that is set that limits who we do and don’t let into our lives, and how great it is for a child to have a family gathering of such a range of people as you describe Rosie, and as you mention can make life easier too, something that we should never shy away from.
Rosie how easy is it to compare oneself in almost any situation almost without wanting to be aware of this. As you say “I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.”. This advice is great and covers not only parenting but all aspects of life, I love the focus being on the appreciating of oneself and our own experience of a topic such as parenting. I’m certainly looking forward to seeing how it unfolds for me and my experiences.
I like what you propose a parent to be Rosie as you say, how our children grow up is not under our control because of the choices they make frOm their own free will, therefore as a parent you can only be a role model and a reflection to them, that is in fact all that we have to do to support them in those early years of their lives.
It is interesting Rosie, when we start to look what is our family, is that then limited to our blood family or is there a different way to approach this, especially if we look to who is involved in the parenting of our children? And in that I feel the word ‘family’ needs a re-definition as what is then family and what is the true meaning of it.
It does take a whole community to raise a child, as a joint effort – it is never on the onus of one person alone to raise and educate and support a child to grow and unfold and learn and evolve into life. Having said that, as a parent we do play a very large part in the influence we have on a child growing up and so it is a huge responsibility to have a child, to care for one and to raise one. As a parent it is an amazing experience that asks us to grow up even more – I certainly did not feel like I had really ‘grown up’ until I had my son. Going through the trials and tribulations, the challenges as well as the joys of parenting has certainly been a big growth for me – there was much ‘self’ that dropped away, yet at the same time to truly parent joyfully there had to be much more of a deepening of my relationship with myself.
I have learned as much from my children as they have learned from me. Understanding that children are whole complete beings is a great start for a parent. Serge Benhayon has confirmed to me that my role as a parent is to be myself so that my children will see that it is ok to be themselves.
I know what you mean Mary and what I love about the Benhayon family is that they share very openly about how they are as a family and how they live and it is so inspiring. Although I am not part of their family, in a sense I feel that I am because they would not treat me any differently than they would their own family and the love that they talk to me with and support me with is just so beautiful. Often families treat each other in the worst way as if it is okay because it is family but there is a much more loving way and a way that makes you want to be and spend time with your family instead of dread that family get together. There is respect and love and absolutely no abuse.
The humility and inspiration that comes from understanding and accepting that we are always learning is amazing. In fact the more I learn about myself, life and relationships the more I know there is still to learn, if that makes sense.
A really awesome article, so many lovely points raised and expanded on. I am aware of this in my life “I have also seen my responsibility as a parent does not only include my own child, but all children in my life equally, as they are all equally important.” When we have friends over, when I am out and about, I do not just take care of my own children, I treat all children equally. If there is a disagreement I support sorting it out, if there is something to appreciate I appreciate it, if there is a connection to have then I am open to it. I do not hold back the love I feel, just my children and nor do I only have responsibility for them. I am open to support all children, it feels natural, to be part of a larger family. And parenting is a way of being not a doing and it starts by parenting ourselves, being open to learn, guide and support ourselves is deeply supportive and it enables us to support others in the same quality.
This is so gorgeous to be open and appreciative of building equal connection with people that we have in life and not feeling contained by the narrow image of what family is, is fantastic ” We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings.” The power of 6 mothers, I can feel the love that is offered and the deep connection and foundation available to children that have this rich network in their lives to support them.
I have told myself I am so self self sufficient for so long the habit has been there a long time …”I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of.” And yet my natural way is to be with people and support people, but I have been holding on to an element of control and superiority by not asking for support myself. Asking for support allows us to let people in, to feel love and to express love. There is no weakness in it, it is how we are made to be as human beings.
I feel this way about our children and our relationship, there is always more to learn but “I now know that I am a great parent and the evidence is in my child, but I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.” And this has occurred through me learning to appreciate and love myself and allow them space to be themselves.
‘First of all, to even think that I am the only person in my child’s life and her only influence is just crazy.’ I have noticed it is becoming more and more common to embrace ‘family’ on connection and not just blood. Perhaps this is because there are a lot more divorces and combined family units or perhaps it is because we all resonate with living in community.
I feel like this about people, I always have, but I have not always expressed it…”I have noticed it is becoming more and more common to embrace ‘family’ on connection and not just blood.” I don’t hold back like I once did, I feel love, I share it with everyone I meet. I treasure connection and celebrate it. I have also seen how my children have been deeply inspired and supported through meeting other people and building relationships with them, they have the opportunity of different reflections that they do not receive from their parents. This is a deeply enriching and awesome experience. It happens whether we support it or not, however it is great to be aware of it and observe how our children respond and talk about it with them. There is lots to learn in life outside of our immediate family units, we have a much larger family available on the planet if we are open to it.
A colleague last year would not take no for an answer, and came over with her husband one night so my husband and I could stay away for the night. Accepting felt the most delicious thing to do. A friend bumped into them all whilst they were out – their comment was they appeared to be their grandparents. Accepting support and acknowledging from many as a part of our family has been awesome to embrace and develop.
You cover so many aspects about parenting here Rosie, all of which are awesome. Parenting has been the most humbling experience for me. My children show me so much – to be playful, but the most important thing they show me is their unconditional true love – they know we are not perfect and have supported me to embrace my mistakes as we all learn together.
I have enjoyed reading your comments Richard and I agree, it feels so natural and allows us to share ourselves more with another when we are met as an equal.
I know how I have reacted in the past when I have felt like I was looked down upon from someone who had placed themselves on a pedestal and it did not make me want to think more of them or respect them, it actually made me want to not be around them.
Yes so true what you share about the boundaries and the little tests. They are tested because the boundaries create a sense of knowing and allow the trust to develop with each other which I feel would be just as needed in your line of work as in my line of parenting.
I love also that parenting ourselves will be how we parent others, simply how we love ourselves and care for ourselves will be how we do the same for another.
Parenting – a knowing from my body, being Truth and Love in every moment – no matter what it takes. And, as we realise what true love means, sometimes that is challenging, but what an amazing development it is.
The true purpose to have a child is to bring a spirit into the world to support them to evolve. Most of humanity have lost site of why we have children, mostly we have them to fill our emptiness and to get recognition from being a ‘good’ parent. We have moved so far away from the truth of the matter and hide out in our family units where as the whole world is our family and we need to love, care and support evolution for all equally.
I too was invested in being the one and only one my kids turned to when they needed some advice or support. I now see that this was not at all supportive of them nor me, as in certain situations other people would have been able to give them the exact support they needed. It was my need to be needed that kept the family so insular.
I love this line of honesty Mary Louise, that it was your need to be needed that kept the family so insular. I am sure this will ring true with many as it did with me too.
Children and adults too can read and observe and see through the falseness or lies, the changing of masks so to speak and you can try all you like to fool them, but they know and they also learn to play the game and smile back and let you think you are getting away with it but they know your game and clock it all. And of course this sets them up to not trust. Why trust you when you say one thing, and then do the opposite or another?
Parenting is a constant development and one that we should not do alone. We are all responsible for what we are reflecting to all children everywhere
I learned a lot from my son the other night when he called me from home whilst I was away for work. He said to me ‘you know Mum, I know exactly what responsibility is…I just need the space to do it and then I will’ – said in the most loving, open and confident way.
This coming from a 14 year old, demonstrating the pure wisdom within him just waiting to have the space to express it. In that moment, I saw how many images of parenting I have held that have kept him from having that space… It was very freeing for us both to confirm what he felt, like it was a new beginning in some way.
Giving them space and trusting that they know, because really the do and often they know more than we do is massive.
I am not a parent but see in those around me that are this inclination of needing to be the one and all for our children, as if we need to know it all, make no mistakes and be it all. If not we fail as a parent. It is an enormous pressure and expectation that is then often put on our children as well, as how they are and perform reflects back to us as parents. To know we do not need to know and be it all, to accept support and allow for others to be parents to our children as well and most of all to know we ourselves have much to learn and can make mistakes is what will take this pressure of and allow for more space to simply be with and love our children.
In a conversation with a friend about doubts I was having in my parenting skills, she said to me – look, your gonna get it wrong, so what? Just get used to that fact and you’ll be fine.
I could feel my shoulders drop and life became sweet again. The pressure was off to be perfect, and I could just be me, which actually made me a better parent.
So much pressure in life that we place upon ourselves and our children. I was at a self harm / suicide prevention talk with work recently and it was explained that cutting was a way that young people used to deal with all the pressure they felt. I wonder, are we teaching our young people to be under pressure or to feel pressured. What is going on that this is where we are at. Have they not been told it is okay to get it wrong? Do they not have the support and love that they are needing? A big question and a topic for another blog I believe!
I love it when we have freed ourselves from the parent/child dynamic and are in relationship as equals. Within this we have responsibilities – it is my job as a parent to be clear with boundaries and guidance for life, but not as a dictator or someone with more wisdom than my child. I have certainly learnt more from my children in our relating to one another than I could ever impart in the form of knowledge.
“We are both here to learn from each other and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another”. This is a key ingredient to parenting for how can we expect our children to have regard for what we say if we aren’t walking our talk. Thank-you for this great blog Rosie, one that all can be inspired by whether we are a parent or not.
Thank you Rosie and Zofia, I agree and understand the brotherhood as a one unifying truth, which is a living principal – my acceptance of this is still to be fully embodied. With 12 years of working on true brotherhood for all equally, I am still learning not to judge or have attachments to people living a certain way. My awareness of these is has been illuminated by this blog and the presentations by Serge Benhayon.
It is great what you share here Rosie, about just being yourself and not getting stuck in any ideology around parenting and what that should look/be like. When we do this, we are making it all about connection first, and not bringing anything unwanted into the mix. That way everyone can be left to just be themselves too.
“Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault. I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.” Absolutely Rosie, we cannot live our lives feeling guilty for the choices that our children make. In doing so we are giving them a green light to continue in that way, whereas if we stand firm in what we know is true, they have a reflection that cannot be denied and therefore have an opportunity to make different choices.
This is so true Sandra. I hadn’t thought of it like this before. If we feel guilty, we are pretty much letting them just blame us and take no responsibility themselves, which really is awful and disables them in a way as they don’t realise that they are the creators of their reality and life and they need to deal with the consequences of their choices instead of blaming their parents.
‘We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.’ – The responsibility of how we deal with our mistakes means a lot. It is easy to fall for beating ourselves up for doing something wrong – this however brings no remedy to the situation.. for anyone.
Meet everyone as an equal and then the world notices the difference, because of the way we move becomes non-imposing.
The simplicity and responsibility of living in a way that shows children that being themselves is all that is required… thank you for sharing, Rosie. This is not to ‘rest on our laurels’ but to bring ourselves in full to life, unmodified by outer expectation or peer pressure. There is also so much inspiration in knowing that we are always learning – I no longer want there to be an end point.
Rosie – you take away investment and ownership from parenting which is so needed. We do not own anyone, and to be invested in people, to have outcomes and expectations based on what we have done to them is very smothering indeed. What we can be is a constant reflection of responsibility – and in this, we give children a choice to be that too. As a mother to be – I have found it so fascinating that I don’t feel attached to this idea of being a mother – that I have the support around me to know that my daughter is going to have so many people there to reflect responsibility to her, and that I cannot take ownership or credit for that.
‘ I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters. We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.’
This is very empowering and the crucial part is if we do not blame ourselves because of our faults but are willing to learn from them in a playful and light way we support deeply our state of wellbeing.
It is never too late to go back and re-imprint the relationship we have had with our children no matter their age or our mistakes – it is as you say, what we do after that counts, and it is never too late to start loving.
Not being a parent myself, I would never profess to offer anyone advice on how to do so, suffice to say follow your own intuition well before you allow yourself to be blinded by any ideological formula that may set you in your ways.
Parenting is an ongoing learning – I still struggle at times to know how much to step in and ‘do’ for my children and when to step back and allow them to make their own mistakes. Sometimes I get it ‘right’ and other times I get it a little ‘wrong’ – but in reality there is no right nor wrong, there is only a learning.
Thanks Gill, I hadn’t considered offering parenting courses as I really feel I am no expert on this subject, but am open to developing and trying a different way. Who knows what will happen in the future. I am open to support others in anyway that I can.
With my nieces, I instinctly knew to treat each one individually because they both had different ways of expressing, and by doing that they felt very equal.
I’ve always feared being a parent, concerned about being responsible for another persons life or thinking about how any inability I have to livining a responsible and loving life may impact on them negatively. I then realised that on a daily basis I always have this responsibility, to consider how I live effects others and that no matter what it is always effecting others. I’ve also come to understand that each person has their own responsibility to how they deal with life, and it’s not up to me to protect anyone, even a child. All I need to do is be completely responsible, evolutionary and loving in my own life and this will support everyone around me, other adults or children.
There is so much to appreciate in this sharing Rosie. The word consistency stays with me as you have gained confidence your child will know you for your solidness and reliability. What a role model – imperfections and all!
Rosie, it is so beautiful to feel and see how you have reflected and grown as a woman and a parent. This responsibility not only affects your child, but the ripple effect is enormous – even to the point that you are writing blogs for the world to see.
“We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.” This is a beautiful sharing and inspiring to read.
Boy, Rosie, reading your blog reminded me in so many ways of my own parenting experiences, especially regarding feeling responsible for all my daughter’s choices, good or bad, and not ever feeling like I am doing enough for her and dropping into control of situations to ‘steer’ her in the right direction. But that way is very exhausting, not honouring her as her own person, responsible for her own decisions and feels yucky to not trust that all the things that happen in our lives are opportunities to learn, so who am I to judge which direction she goes anyways? That being said, having consistent boundaries and consequences when those are broken is critical, and not setting those responsible boundaries at first was disastrous for us initially as a family. Overall, I can feel now how I have been too hard on myself and the mistakes that I felt I made as a parent, but the fact that my daughter is as loving, caring, and sensitive as she is reminds me that we don’t need to put so much pressure on ourselves as parents, but just learn from our mistakes and move on together.
Our children know, they don’t need us to harp on about it to them, as they know. Sometimes though, they just need time and space to figure it out for themselves and experience things rather than us trying to make it all okay and in a sense save them, which actually just cripples them in many ways.
Rosie you have given us so much to ponder on and be inspired by in your power packed raw sharing of your parenting experience. And really we are all family by virtue of our innate authentic nature to connect to each other, as demonstrated when we all come together to support and care for eachother when there is a catastrophic global event. It seems sometimes that we only consider this natural quality of brotherhood when something big happens but as you have shared Rosie it is possible to extend our homes and lives to many people offering us all the opportunity to co-parent. Our children and young people require the safe boundaries that you speak about and with their help we as adults in the community can support all parents by listening and observing and sharing what’s going on in their lives and being honest about what’s going on in our own.
You are so right that we are all going to make mistakes along the way as kids and as parents but its what we do with that learning that will help us evolve and being able to be honest about this with each other is where we bring more equality in.
Yes, lets come together as normal instead of just in catastrophic events. We know what to do, we know how it feels so why do we resist it so much and why is it not our normal?
“Through realising how damaging that was I have now stopped imposing myself on my child. She is not here to make me feel enough, or so I can be identified by her” – a super point Rosie, attaching ourselves to someone else for one’s own self-interest in regards our worth building, creating our enjoyment or excitement i.e. living life through another, conditioned, is a recipe for disaster for the people involved but also how that conditioning quality infects all other (future) relationships, partnerships, friendships into disharmony and unease. The way we are with ourselves is the way a child so often receives their own way, so there is huge responsibility to be love, to reflect back that love over any condition.
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.” this is very true and relates to all areas in our live. When I feel that I have made a decision that was not working out great or just didn’t sit right with me, I open it up to my children and let them know that I made a mistake. They often come back with that they felt this too or are glad that I mentioned it for whatever reason that this brought up with them. The beautiful thing is that it brings us closer and there is always a lightness about it, when we admit that we could have choose differently.
Hi Rosie, I agree with what you write here, about there are nu rules for parenting or an ideal what parenting should look like. I have discovered that when I parent in a very open and honest way that I learn just as much from my children and they actually let me know in their way what works for them. With three kids I have discovered that, what works for one, doesn’t necessarily works for the other. Of course we have some basic ‘rules and boundaries’ in the house and they are equally important as the realization that parenting is a very interactive and constant developing progress.
One of the greatest things I’m learning about parenting is being me… It wasn’t always like this because I spent many years trying to fit into what I ‘thought’ a good mother should be and while I did this I had little care or regard for myself in the process. I’m now learning it’s not about perfection and not about getting it right all the time, but offering a reflection of a way for my children to also have permission to be themselves.
Wow in this day and age there are so many parents who will do anything to please their child, thank you Rosie for showing us there is another way that is more loving and more beneficial to all.
Let us not give our power away to an ideal, belief or another’s parenting way.
Each situation and relationship requires an expression that only we can bring.
May we never judge another’s parenting for we are each a living authority of parenting of both ourselves and the children in our lives.
I was chatting with my friend the other day about this topic…. and there are so many rule books out there that profess the ‘right way’ to parent, that it can be overwhelming for the parent, and quite damaging when books are taken as ‘gospel’ over the expense of what is self-known deep within oneself, through trust, and importantly love. The more the knowingness of one’s knowingness lives, the less reliance on such written rule books that only work to sustain worry, and feed expectations of perfectionism. When there is more love, there is less perfection because of self-acceptance. To raise a child in a space in which they feel at ease to explore and know their own truth through their own love as they can feel by those who raise them, allows the equalness you speak of Rosie, and the flourishing of true parenting.
Aaahhhhh, parenting such a rich picking ground to have your beliefs about how the world and others should be, exposed. I agree that there are so many people who can be our children’s parents and family can be a rich and diverse group of people, all who can have a role in raising children.
There are many myths around parenting and the use of the word: Myth 1 – you need to have children to be a parent. As you are showing here Rosie there are many people in our lives that offer us ‘parenting’ and we shouldn’t only look at adults and children in the same blood family as this is just one small part of what actually parenting looks like. We often these days take a very narrow world view into things and parenting is one. Virtually saying that nothing else other than say a blood adult and child relationship is parenting, as this blog is showing and from my experience with respect, not only doesn’t this make sense but it’s not true.
I love that through developing a relationship with your daughter you were able to learn and evolve yourself Rosie. This evidences that it’s not just children that can benefit from a strong, supportive relationship with their parents but the parents can benefit too!
This need to fix things for others that you talk about in your blog Rosie, I feel is something that does not only relate to children but is occurring amongst adults too. It seems very hard for people at times to let the other be to go through their own life experiences according to the choices that they are making. This incessant need to fix things for others is something I was cursed with for many many years but am very glad that with a lot of support I was able to let that go more and more and am really aware of it today when I fall back into that old pattern.
“I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure,…”
That is something I can very much relate to Rosie, on many levels. I was brought up in an environment where asking for help as a woman was seen as a weakness and it was considered safer to not rely on anybody but yourself, just because it was expected to be let down. I breathed that in and it was very ingrained in me and took a lot of support for myself to let that go and eventually hold myself in so much love that I did not need that kind of “security” anymore.
“I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.” This is a truly fabulous loving, supportive and enhancing principle of parenting, which applies to every single one of us as we are all parents to all children.
There are so many ideals, beliefs, shoulds and should nots around parenting and family it is no wonder we all grow up confused! Family is so much bigger than simply blood for example. And what is right for one child is not right for the next.
There are so many ideals, beliefs and theories about what is good parenting and yet Rosie what you have shared cuts through that with its simplicity and power, thank you.
What you describe Rosie is a way of parenting where we can make better choices rather than getting stuck in the guilt of the past. The more loving in our connection to ourselves the more likely that we are more loving in all our relationships especially with our children.
I love Rosie how you don’t need to get an outcome for being a ‘good’ parent rather you just need to be yourself. I think that takes all the pressure and guilt out of the roles that we play in life. Rather than identifying as a parent the focus is on being you and we cannot fail at being ourselves.
Rosie, re-reading your post this morning, and if you take out the word ‘parenting’, and insert ‘manager or leader’ – you arrive at the same thing, the universal qualities you share of an effective or true parent, is same as an effective or true manager/leader. Which shows that it’s the person, and not their title, role, or what they do, but the quality with which they hold themselves in life, and hold another whether that’s a child, or adult.
Parenting beyond the boundaries of family as we are taught is quite extraordinary. And we could have the same approach towards caring for our elderly.
Asking for support and accepting it is a big one; all too often we equate it with failure and the fear of being judged as faulty or deficient in some way.
Although I am not a parent myself, one thing I have observed is how parents all try to outdo each other using their children as the pawns, and from this children then learn that being competitive is normal, when we are in fact all inclusive rather than competitive.
“I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters. We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next” – brilliant Rosie. “What we do next”…. Focusing on what awesome choices we’ve made is the aide of necessary imperfection in this perfection-seeking creation of a world that has brought us nothing but so low to feel the way we do, not good enough or worth much – in comparison to another. Feeling and accepting our own imperfection takes a whole dose of honesty and realism, but it’s worth it for the growing sense of equalness I now feel between myself and others to reduce the poison of comparison. Appreciating not berating.
I agree Rosie, boundaries are very important for children and help them know how far they can go – not unlike a physical boundary of a fence around a house or playground, it is there to allow children to explore within a certain area but not beyond. Without boundaries, children don’t know how far they can go, and end up going down paths out of naivety and innocence that can have unpleasant or devastating consequences.
Such a great blog Rosie – thank you. I’m not a parent but can very much relate to what you’ve shared from my own experience growing up, and what I see around me in families. People give themselves such a hard time if their children make a so called ‘wrong move’ in life and will often blame themselves, and this is not to say that they didn’t play a part in it, but it seems arrogant to take it on being their fault (the parent) because if you turn it around to when a child makes great decisions, this is not because of the parent either. Children are making decisions for themselves all the time; they can be guided, supported and cared for, but in many instances, the decision is made by them.
Such an open and honest sharing Rosie, thank you. No perfection and no self bashing – love it!
Hello Rosie and from what I see it seems we get hooked on the word parenting from the start. I have enjoyed what you have written and while it may take some more time for us all to break down the word parenting to be able to see it for what it truly is, this is a good start. When I think about it parenting has really nothing to do with mother/father and child, it’s more an energy we hold that has a certain quality. Yes it relates more to the common situations we hold like mother/father and child but it is far more broader than that. Like you are doing here we need to keep expanding the awareness around not only the word parenting but the action of it as well, thank you.
It is great when we let go of images we hold about our blood family to be our only true family, and we are open to the fact that true family is our relationships with others based on true connection, love, respect and support and that is felt miles away, and that is true brotherhood.
” I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self’ – thank you Rosie, well said.
“I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.” Kids these days desperately need this Rosie, a true reflection, not a reflection from a magazine or the latest pop video.
Thank you for offering up this conversation about parenting, Rosie, it is a huge subject and it feels really supportive to open up to the challenges and inspirations along the way. What I particularly love is the relinquishing of self-berating that you have described here, something that is so common amongst parents, and one that I found left me unable to accept and learn from my mistakes. I also love the sharing of the fact that children are not blank canvases upon which we make every mark – their journey is theirs and our guardianship along the way is significant but not all.
‘ It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way’
This is so subtle, when the controling energy creeps in in having expectations and ideals or beliefs. But it is fun to expose the imprisonning energy, it is very freeing.
This has been a great blog to come back to and take in some of the many different points about parenting. This time, understanding more about opening up to support as a parent and how it can come from many places, even one’s own children, has been inspirational.
Rosie this is a great blog and the thing you’ve said that makes total sense is that ” I just need to be my true self.”. I have no doubt that parenting will come with a whole host of new learnings and experiences, but in the end as you also share there is a real responsibility to truly parent.
Ideals and beliefs of how we should be within our relationships and families are so inhibiting in us releasing all that is available to us through true family and connection to those around us. Reflecting on my own relationship with my parent I can feel how I held ideals and beliefs as to how things ‘should’ be for years and in actual fact this is what prevented me from moving past hurts I held and seeing what was being reflected to me to learn from and appreciating two amazing parents who were doing their best as parents with what they know.
Exactly! We as grown up children still hold so many ideals and beliefs, and because we carry those, we then also carry a hurt. Having more understanding for your parents really does change everything, and accepting rather than holding onto a hurt as that doesn’t serve anyone.
So true Mary, the support and love you share with your daughter and us your family is amazing, thank you!
The thing is about love is that we are all equal, and in this equality we are unified in a brotherhood, which is the magnetic pull we have all missed, and it holds true family together. We are all returning to a true relationship of love.
What if there would be total equalness, appreciation and support for and from everyone within families (to start with). That would take enormous stress of the parents (and grand parents) and is offering the child from birth the opportunity to openly learn and reflect qualities that we (might) have (often) forgotten as adults. The whole world would be upside down, but definitely a lot more loving, naturally so.
How can we have ideals and beliefs around parenting when each child is an individual with their own lessons to learn and path to follow. The only blanket expressions we can have in truth are to be present, be loving and to meet each child where they are at. In order to do this we must be present, be loving and honour ourselves first. It’s very logical, practical and wonderful when lived.
Yes so true. There was a time where I was overly protective with my daughter, and this was all from my own experience. I had been molested as a child, so I had this fear that it would happen to my daughter but reality is, she is not me and she does not have the same karma or is making the same choices I did. We are both different and have different life lessons to learn from.
How we choose to live, the love, gentleness and respect we have for ourselves , and the deep care and true equality we show to others will lay a strong foundation and reflection to our children.
Your opening statement says it all Rosie, ‘Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with as there are just so many ideals and beliefs on what a parent should look like and behave like’. Everyone has their own flow and method of parenting, and we can still be absolutely supportive and loving with our children without our parenting techniques looking identical to that of someone else we admire. There is of course fundamental foundations of parenting that I think are really important, such as treating your children as equals and supporting them to develop their expression, but these can be expressed by parents in different ways.
I love that parenting is the responsibility of the whole community – that mothers are not alone, that there are others available for support. And the responsibility is not just with the adults – the children too, can be encouraged to express their wisdom and their needs can be supported through a full two-way dialogue of listening and sharing.
As a parent myself I agree that there is a lot of pressure from society to get it right and a lot of conflicting messages on how to parent the best way. It does feel important to not try and live up to any image or ideal of parenting but just to be who we are with our kids, naturally so and allow ourselves to make some mistakes along the way as long as we are honest about these mistakes and learn from them.
In the early days of my own single-parenting experience, I remember having this revelation that I did not need my children to like me, I just needed them to be safe. This changed everything in our relationship with each other, as I was no longer the child with them and I grew in to the adult they actually needed me to be. One who would take the lead and show them the boundaries necessary to live with others. Safe has since become aware, because I then realised that with awareness comes responsibility, and with that you are always able to discern the energies at play all of the time, and with this make choices, and with this you can walk in to harm or avoid it completely. So, I work now to raise the awareness of my children through honest discussion and active role-modelling. How they take this in to their lives is of course their choice, but so far they seem to be pretty amazing with this kind of up-bringing.
In my experience, to be needy in a relationship with my child, only has the opposite effect and much sadness and despair. A true relationshipis one of allowing, understanding, accepting and supporting the other person so as they can live their life to their own potential, not one that ticks any boxes or need for me.
Your blog is very refreshing Rosie. Parenting is riddled with ideals, beliefs and pressures to do the right thing. It is easy to fall into guilt or feeling not good enough. Accepting your mistakes and learning from them as you do is so healthy, and is an amazing education for your child. What an example you are setting, and what love you are showing yourself and your family.
There are so many gems in this blog. I particularly love the ” I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.” To be able to let go of the control and allow my daughter to just be herself and make all her own choices with a loving support close by has been the best thing ever for my relationship with my daughter.
Your intro hit the nail on the head for me Rosie: “Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with as there are just so many ideals and beliefs on what a parent should look like and behave like.” So I love it very much that you showed that it is possible to leave all this ideals and believes aside. For me it is an invitation now to be a parent and not a “I have to do” . . .
Rosie you have unpacked so much in this blog on parenting exposing the many traps that we can easily fall into as parents. I do not have children of my own, but what I have taken from reading your blog today is that we are all parents regardless of if we have our own children or not and we each have the equal responsibility of reflecting to all children a true way of living.
“We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings” – i just LOVE this Rosie, parenting has nothing to do with blood, only true love, the essence of our origination, and those who are this automatically are one, or family.
Thank you Rosie and Zofia, I agree and understand the brotherhood as a one unifying truth, which is a living principal – my acceptance of this is still to be fully embodied. With 12 years of working on true brotherhood for all equally, I am still learning not to judge or have attachments to people living a certain way. My awareness of these is has been illuminated by this blog and the presentations by Serge Benhayon.
You raise some excellent points and observations Rosie on parenting. I am not a parent myself, though from being raised i’ve come to learn and appreciate that it’s not all about or solely down to the parent, but all about the growing child too…who equally has a great amount of teaching and wisdom to share with their parent, as they do with them in their role of ‘care-taker’. It’s the equalness aspect you draw on. Children grow up either feeling this equalness and in their expression and importance too, or not often defaulting to parents, which is where the whole issue of responsibility or guilt for a child’s (ill) actions comes into play. The moment there is equalness between parent and child, there is instantly personal responsibility and personal choice. Seeing a child as a person the same as an adult is the beauty of parenting.
Your openness to exploring your relationship with parenting and with the concept of family is very inspiring Rosie. It feels very expansive. Thanks for sharing.
Until just now when I read your article I was saying that I never wanted children being single as I never believed I was capable without the support of a partner. I have never had children and this was something I used to justify my choice not too – aside from physical difficulties with conceiving. But I’m really getting that anything is possible when living from love. If I had had children and been open to love I would have had the support I needed around me.
Now I am appreciating even more the friends who consider me family. I’m appreciating how I do not need to hold back from being family, from being love. I can feel it’s me who puts up the artificial barriers I’ve based on social norms. They do not need to be there. I do not need to protect people from the love that I am!
Yes, YES, yeS!
oh the things we use to justify. oh the beliefs we have carried that are not even ours.. and oh all those barriers we have built that we can let crumble and not get in our way anymore.
Rosie you’ve encapsulated so much of what parenting is and the beliefs that meddle with being a parent that does guide and not control. So often parents are invited to feel responsible for their child’s every choice even when the parents have presented a way of being that is responsible, caring and understanding.
Our culture can be quick to condemn – the ‘I blame the parents’ line. But this attitude I see breeds frightened parents who resort to using control in a preemptive attempt to not lose face. Children aren’t met for who they are or allowed to consider their choices for themselves so that they either go wild if the control is lessened or rebel at the onset. Parents put up their hands in dismay and say they’ve tried everything but relationships have broken down into hurts and blaming. Appreciation of one another goes out the window.
There’s such a supportive openness to what you’ve written about parenting – a place for people to grow and grow up with no pressure to look at certain way encroaching on this. Beautiful.
Great point about the social habit of condemning parents breeding fearful, ‘keeping up appearances’ parenting – this is a rotten foundation for social health and well-being.
Keeping up appearances parenting or guilt parenting, they are all nasty and there is no acceptance in that.
What defines a ‘good’ parent. What does ‘good’ mean in this example? And who or what is a ‘parent’? All these questions made me aware of all those pictures, ideals and beliefs that we have around parenting. Where really, if anyone would ask me, parenting is no different then any other ‘task’. I feel it goes ‘best’ when I dare to trust my own expression and impulse from my inner heart in every circumstance. As only in this I’m reflecting who I am and by example am reflecting that my child and other children (as well as adults) are allowed to also be themselves in any circumstance.
Thank you Rosie for exposing many of the beliefs and ideals we hold about parenting, as you have mention parenting is about taking responsibility for our own choices and offering this reflection to support our children to be who they are and not who we want them to be.
I too have tread similar footsteps and fallen into the traps of trying to be a text book parent which of course depends on which one you read! But no child fits one mould so this is a pointless and harming pursuit. However I have learnt and still am learning as I go along. It is a challenge at times but usually these are not just challenges that are reflected from my children but elsewhere in other relationships in life.
What I learn from your experience, Rosie, is that I don’t need to have “my own” children to parent. Already writing this feels awkward: to say “my own” children, because whose children are they anyway? Aren’t we all God’s children to experience parenting from all angles?
Rosie you really show here how many ideals and beliefs come with being a parent – this self created imprisoning pressure that we seem to walk around with and compare each other to. But in this, what is our responsibility as individuals? To go along with the stigma and try and tick all the boxes, or actually feel what is truly needed, how to support children in a way that does not smother them but confirms them for all they are. The way you have developed a relationship with your daughter based on responsibility is very beautiful and one that should be shared.
Hello Rosie and the word ‘parenting’ already brings with it so many images of how it should be. It was interesting to read how it has been for you in and around all of this. I see much will change over the coming years around not only the word parenting but how we ‘do’ parenting.
Contemplating all you have said I feel the simplicity of being a parent when the responsibility is shared and the qualities of the child nurtured without the expectation, appreciating we are all here to learn from our shared journey.
Rosie love your honest open reflection for us all to learn by, as you say we are all responsible in being role models to the children that come into our lives
Only when we as a parent know who we are can we support our children to be who they are. As there is no such thing as a diploma in being yourself or an end to developing ourselves we learn it on the way, but definitely it can be a posture in life and with this understanding and attitude, we already are connected to who we are and unfold it step by step. Just the same then can be applied in raising a child. We don´t need to be role models in the sense of being perfect, also our learning process is a reflection of how to be in life, imperfect and willing to learn, exploring, failing, discerning, choosing, improving, enjoying … life.
Wanting your child to like you is definitely one that gets many people, because children are not stupid, in fact they are very wise and sharp so when the have a sense of this with an adult the sure do start to manipulate the relationship to be doing what ever they want. What you share Rosie how taking the responsibility of leading by example and just being you and not wanting to control will lay the foundation of relationship where you can evolve together, like you are today. Beautiful sharing.
Thank you Rosie, a truly beautiful read. I’m not a parent yet I can relate some of your points to my relationships in general. Being emotionally attached and wanting to step in to others lives unnecessarily has been something I have also done, and I’m still learning to just let people be with their choices and consequences, and focus on concentrating on my own life and self care.
“How much we share and let others support us really is up to us. I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone.” How common is it that we feel we have to go it alone, tough things out and to be seen as coping well with life? There is a beauty in asking for support and receiving it.
I love your honesty, like ‘my child is not here to make me feel enough’.It makes me wonder what we need, apart from children, in order for us to make us feel complete. It seems that we never feel enough and we are constantly no the search for something outside of ourselves. But the thing is, nothing and no child, can make us feel complete. That is our job.
If we were to understand parenting as something we are going to learn when our children are born instead expecting us already knowing it all and therefore should be able to be perfect, we actually would be much more open to developing a living relationship with our children where both parties are allowed to discover, experience, make faults and learn with and from each other.
You raise a great point on how to parent your children: “… will depend on the individual child, as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings…”. The moment we have an ideal or concept of parenting we reduce our ability to see the child in its individuality and instead will impose our set of beliefs and images onto them, often with the best intention but a blindness for who they are. We need to question the concepts and teachings, also those which proclaim free unfoldment, individuality etc How about re-developing a true sense and understanding for each other by feeling and communicating instead?
Wouldn’t it be right to say that having an ideal of parenting makes you a bad parent simply because it keeps you from being who you naturally are? And when you are not who you are what kind of person do you present to your children? It can only be a fake persona, maybe with the best intention but nevertheless empty and false to a certain extent. And what does that reflect your children? That not being who you are but trying to live up to an ideal is the way to be n the world and with each other. Is that not the worldwide dilemma we find ourselves in and pass on from generation to generation ?!
The concept of family being more than just blood relatives is so refreshing and embracing of much more and we can allow others so much closer if we all choose this.
One of the greatest gifts of childhood is to know that you are seen for your gorgeousness and not to be seen for what you do. This sounds like such a small shift but its huge for the children. It confirms who they are, and that they are enough exactly as they are
Rosie your sharing about parenting is gold as it debases the illusion of identification with motherhood and parenting and gives an example of how family is a form of living we can choose to truly support each other and not to maintain our bloodlines as human beings.
‘She is not here to make me feel enough, or so I can be identified by her.’ Hurrah, an epithet we could all embrace and in a number of contexts! We are never our roles and we are always enough – if only we knew how to connect with this fact.
The child as friend – yes that doesn’t feel right. There’s plenty of time for that later, when both parties are adults. It would be very valuable to be able to let go of the mothering (or fathering) role and to stop being the child and enjoy a friendship as equals.
When you’re not a parent it is all too evident what is going on a lot of the time – the manipulation you speak of. Children are super-expert at running rings around their often given-up, fed-up, oblivious or unconfident parents. It would be very empowering for parents to learn first how to take the emotion out of parenting and to understand exactly what they are taking on when they step into parenthood – stewardship of a human with a soul, and often a very active spirit.
This is valid for everyone ‘I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience …’ How many times do we compare ourselves with others and not appreciate ourselves and what we bring? Also what you share about mistakes is really important, we all make them but it’s is how we learn from them and what we change after making them that is essential for our true evolution. It feels very inclusive that you don’t feel you have to ‘go it alone’ being a single mother but instead know you have a network of family and friends that are equally important and a part of your child’s life .. I love the 4 mothers at her birthday party ?
I love that your ‘family dinner’ included so many people that weren’t in your blood-related family. Having a community of family members is something we should all have, and allowing ourselves to be supported but also openly supporting others in return is what develops that familial connection that is so incredible to share.
I feel this blog also debunks the thinking we might have that we have to have our own children as it being a prerequisite of being a ‘normal’ human being. This puts an enormous pressure on both men and women but also on young girls with the thinking that to be a woman you must have a child or children.
So true Matts. If we were a bit more open minded then I am sure the world would open up more across many other boundaries we have created…family, countries, nationalities, religions, to name but a few.
And what I have also experienced is the pressure and ideals and beliefs around having to have siblings to have a family, as if one child is not enough.
Taking true responsibility for ourselves first in every aspect of our lives is fundamental to how we are with our children and taking the responsibility of this. Often this is something we are learning as we go into parenthood and life and is ongoing in our acceptance and love of who we are . This is a beautiful inspiration for parents to see the honouring and changes we can make in all our relationships and to bring a real truth and love to our children and ourselves and everyone by simply being ourselves fully.
I have found children actually crave boundaries and clarity in their lives and that the biggest lesson we can teach them is the every choice has a consequence in other words that they have a responsibility in life. I have seen many parents and scholing systems that have the ‘free’ way of rising children and it makes them grow up in utter selfishness and irresponsibility. The challenge here though is that the only way we can truly teach is by example and therefor we need to be living responsibly as parents.
As parents we hold so many ideals and beliefs for our children and if add to this the disappointments and regrets of our own lives it becomes easy to see how much we impose on our children. The biggest challenge maybe for a parent to let the child be and find their own path in life, which may be a very different expression then what we would have held as a picture or a wish for them.
If we let go of the false belief that family is restricted to or composed of those we have a blood relationship with then we can see that our true family is much bigger and that we all have a responsibility in this family towards each other and thus also in parenting. It is in fact a withdrawal to save parenting for only those children we brought into this world ourselves and to only care for and have a responsibility to a few.
We tend to compare ourselves to others , and then only the outer appearance always thinking they do or are better. yet we do not know what is truly going on and fail to discern the quality of energy. IN this way we create standards and ideals that are far from reality and impossible to achieve.
How fortunate the child who is allowed to be themselves, and seen for all that they are – ‘warts and all’. Held in a parental embrace that confirms all that is true, and shepherds, without imposition, traits that may lead a child astray.
We all crave such love. It’s well time we bring this to our children – and by ‘us’, that means all of us who have contact with children in our lives, whether we are actually parents or not, it is a a shared responsibility.
Our societies are full to the brim of the expectations placed upon our children to ‘be’ or ‘perform’ a certain way. These expectations can come strongly from parents, family, teachers, and indeed the world at large.
And so this blog has a great, great relevance. For it does not buy into the predominant paradigm that would expect someone to be an ‘expert’ on a topic in a way that really just dishes up more expectations – upon parent and child alike… But rather, you have presented here Rosie, as the true ‘expert’ – one who has learnt and continually learns from her own, on the ground, experience, and shares it with an honesty and realness that our society deeply needs.
You’ve raised so many great points about parenting – and what it can be when we hold our children as equal to us, Rosie. Thank-you.
I particularly appreciate the letting go of control that you’ve spoken of – and allowing your child to learn her own lessons, and face her own consequence, all the while holding her in such a firm love that knows who she is and has clear boundaries in place that support her in her life and learning.
We are much more a product of our choices than our upbringing.
oh no, but but but I much prefer to blame my parents than to take responsibility for the choices I have made!!!
We can impose so much onto our children, our own and others children, without even realising. It is once we take responsibility for our impositions that we can start to truly connect with children, with everyone, with no judgment – seeing them with fresh eyes every time we meet.
Children are always watching us, noticing what we do, how we move, how we respond and relate to others and situations, we don’t really have to do anything as such but simply by observing how we are children are learning how to be. We are all role models simply by being in the presence of a child and this clearly highlights the responsibility we all have with the choices we make and the effect this has on all those around us.
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.” This for one is a super healthy philosophy to bring to parenting, as it allows parents and children to grow up in the experimentation of what feels true.
Connecting to what will truly support the growth and development of a child to know who they are within and have the confidence to live who they as they being to interact with society is something we all have the capacity to do. This comes from the connection we have with ourselves first and Rosie you have clearly embraced and surrendered to this for yourself. You are a shining example of the greatness, the empowerment, the evolution that is possible with parenting children when we choose truth and love to be our guide. Thank you.
There are so many ideals and beliefs of what is right and what is wrong, what should and shouldn’t be done as a parent that at the end of the day keeps us from truly connecting to our truth and to our children. But what you have shared is a powerful invitation to reflect on and truly be honest about the relationship we have with ourselves and the effect this has on our children. I love how you are breaking all the so called ‘rules’ as in effect you are offering true guidance and as such true parenting with love, truth and connection as the foundation to your birth child and all the children in your lives. Very inspiring Rosie.
Also on the limitations of the blood ties is how people often won’t get involved if a child is behaving rudely or losing it as its none of their business, where as we are all parents and role models, I have often spoken to a child who is being rude to their mother or disobeying requests to be safe etc and it always supports the parent as the child is seeing that its not just their mum that thinks running away from her is dangerous etc. I have never done this in judgement but rather in seeing that we are all responsible for the upbringing of children.
I also like many on this thread really appreciate how you dissolve the idea of the family being made up of blood ties rather than connection. I love our extended family and love how my daughter refers to friends children as her sisters and brothers she sees them as her family completely it is beautiful.
“Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault. I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.” I feel you have really exposed something here Rosie about how identified parents are with the success or not of their child in the world. It is so toxic as it puts so much pressure on the child.
My biggest lesson in recent months as a parent of a tennager was stepping back when an upsetting incident occurred, I could feel myself wanting to rush in and fix it or change and make people accountable for their actions. I took myslef for a long walk and asked what is needed right now? My child called this experience into their life it is theirs to have to fix to change to work through. I am here for support but it is up to them., to use their resources or use the opportunity or not to develop some new life skills.
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve shared here Rosie.
I am forever deepening my learning of reflecting through my living rather than telling. I know I have certain things in me that I naturally do similar to my parents as that is what I saw growing up around me and my role models, it’s deeply ingrained. I am my own individual and am quite unique to my parents but what you see and more so feel is what your normal is. So, that brings in responsibility to live certain way.
Also, I am learning to know that loving kids or anyone for that sake does not mean pandering to them. I am ok for my kids to not like me, and that’s a hard one to be OK with all the time. There’s much ypu have shared in ideals we buy into with parenting.
When we judge ourselves on whether we are a good or bad parent, no parent or child benefits at all.
Thank you Rosie for allowing us to see parenting with a new perspective – one that is healthier and more supporting.
Rosie so much of what you have shared in this blog is invaluable – a parenting book would be a wonderful expansion on what you have presented! The part about having trialed different parenting styles is great. Yes, I can only imagine what would happen in a ‘free spirit’ scenario. Actually, I don’t have to imagine – I’ve seen it unfold in others and it ain’t pretty. The unbounded human spirit will take several miles – and then some – when an inch is offered. This is not a way to raise children.
Wanting things to be a certain way – yes, control is a hard thing to acknowledge and let go of. Having an investment in outcomes or an expectation or a picture of how we want life, jobs, partners, children, anything to be sets the tone for control, and a life lived in tension.
‘…I am here as a role model and as a reflection…’ Yes, we all are. We are being observed all the time, whether it is by our children or work colleagues or friends or people on the bus. What we put out and how we are matters.
‘…it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.’ Great words Rosie. How many parents take on the belief/s that everything their children do (wrong or right) is their fault / a result of their successful parenting?
When we care to see there is a bigger picture and start to take responsibility for our own lives and what we put out in the world, we will have more clarity to know what to do and how to respond in every situation, whether it is parenting or any other area in life.
One of the ideals we live under is being the ‘perfect parent’ and it is great to know that we are all human and that it’s OK to ask for help, we gain nothing by being fiercely independent, and we can enjoy the support of our whole community.
Too true, being fiercely independent is a lonely place to be. I know that when I have been fiercely independent, I have felt isolated but this is only because of the walls of protection that I have built and because I haven’t trusted or let anyone support me in the past.
It’s beautiful what you’ve shared Rosie about us all being a part of a wider family, and that in a true community children would have many different parents and parents would have many different children, in the sense that we can share the love and support with anyone and this is not just limited to our own blood family.
It’s gorgeous to feel the feeling of family being inclusive of those around us and that the relationships here are so supportive.
There is a responsibility in this world where we all have to live with, we all have to take. It is about to live a life with integrity – to live love and truth. As a parent you see this responsibility not just every day in your own but also in everything your child lives and experiences. It is like you’ve got another mirror placed in your life – another angle view from heaven. It is a gift and it can be a challenge. But in fact it is a great support by exposing everything we live that is not love.
This is a very honouring blog full of wisdom and understanding of our roles as parents and the equality of us all. The belief systems around parenting and family are huge and affect everything we do and are and the revealing of this and bringing true love to it all feels beautiful , thank you for sharing this Rosie.
I love this, Rosie – “I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.” This single sentence breaks through so many ideals and beliefs about parenting, and can potentially liberate mothers across the world! We impose so much on our children when we do not feel enough in ourselves, so this is a much needed new approach.
It is not just mothers that impose on their children because they don’t feel enough. Fathers, and grand parents can be guilty of this too. Needing the child to be this or that for their own recognition and to make them feel okay is all too common and I am not having a go at anyone because really I feel that happens quite often without any awareness at all.
Rosie this is huge. “I used to need my child to like me and to be my friend, but because of this I was so easily manipulated into doing things that I didn’t want to do, or I allowed myself to be walked over. Through realising how damaging that was I have now stopped imposing myself on my child. She is not here to make me feel enough, or so I can be identified by her.” It is quite possible that in this paragraph you speak on behalf of the vast majority of parents who need the ‘to be needed factor’ to fill a gap that we are not filling ourselves. The child then gets the upper hand and can manipulate and control certain situations.
If we need someone to like us, we are all so easily manipulated, this happens not just with children but with intimate partners too so it is so important that we take care of ourselves first and foremost and not rely on our children or anyone to fill us up.
How about writing a course about parenting unfolding from this blog, Rosie? I’d love to already learn in school these noble insights into your experience of parenting! Thanks for sharing them.
It’s great how your daughters family extends further than blood relatives that is such a support for you both. I love the saying “It takes a village to raise a child”
Thank you Rosie this is awesome to read and reflect upon my own parenting style, I feel one of the greatest lessons for me has been to observe my daughters behaviour and not be attached to her being a certain way to satisfy me. Learning to let go of this control has been key to deepening the relationship with my daughter and myself.
This is a strong and beautiful statement to make Rosie :”I am a single parent and have always used this fact to confirm to myself that I was somehow a victim, and that being a parent is so much harder for me, but the truth is, it really doesn’t matter whether you are single or not, it is how you choose to parent that matters most and that of course will depend on the individual child, as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings.” and in this I can appreciate how you have come to realise that it really does take a whole community to raise a child. So essentially, it seems that you are saying that a single parent is not really a single parent ever, unless they choose to see it that way. I love how you have presented this. Coming from a couple that parents children I can’t speak from single parent experience, however, we have often had times in the relationship where my partner was away for months at a time for work, so I have some experience and understanding of what it might feel like to think we are single parenting. Thank you for opening up the conversation on a much needed topic.
There is a deep sense of humbleness in this blog and absolutely no sense of superiority. There’s a true honouring that you are equal in your relationship with your daugther. Very rare and very beautiful.
“One thing is for sure, I am not perfect and parenting really has taught me so much and continues to do so every day, in so many ways.”. Only this piece of Wisdom resonates deeply and is challenging the thick beliefs and ideals that as a parent we’re to be perfect and have to learn our children everything. No equalness at all. Where as the Truth is that our children learn a lot from us as well as we’re learning (or have the opportunity to learn) from them. This allows the relationship to continuously grow and expand, naturally so! Which much Joy, Laughter and depth as a natural result. Together evolving back to who we are.
There is something very addictive about these roles we take on. Whilst we may moan or struggle with their demands or ways we don’t measure up, there is something more going on underneath. It’s as if the ‘job titles’ be it CEO or ‘Single Parent’ allow us to cover up and fill the space where the loving caring us would naturally be. When we stop identifying with these roles we set ourselves free just to simply be. Thank you Rosie for presenting this and showing we all have an opportunity to stop being addicted to these ideals.
The CEO or single parent role, this made me giggle but its so true. We get caught in a role and we try to live it out based on ideals and beliefs of how one should be rather than feel and know what is needed next based on the situation and what feels right in that moment.
Rosie, its great to re-read your article, this stands out for me, ‘What this has allowed me to see is that we are never alone and that we are part of a much bigger family, and that there is so much support there for us’, I have felt this recently, after years of thinking that i had to look after my child on my own because I was his parent and that i could not ask for help, that has changed now, it has been really lovely asking for support and i have been asked back too, i feel like I have a support network now – it feels like family, like community, even though we may not be related, it is lovely for us and for everyone involved to be part of my sons and my life and is not the burden for people i once thought it maybe.
Thinking we are a burden is such a misconception or belief and so rubbish because most people love and enjoy supporting and don’t see us as a burden at all. Where do we get such damaging thoughts from that then keep us in separation?
I love your dinner party! And can relate. As an adopted person I totally love my adoptive parents but also enjoy knowing I have other parents out there. Plus. I live with my husband and four others, all of whom are my family as well. And then there’s the family I don’t live with : ))
Learning how to ask for support is an awesome ability – and surprisingly hard. Like many women, I was fiercely independent for a long, long time. Learning to accept that I had married a man who is extremely supportive and letting that in was a big challenge and took me several years to surrender too. I was living in male energy and that made it hard to accept. Embracing more of the woman in me helped enormously.
‘…no two children are the same or need the same life teachings…’ Great insight, and explains how differences occur between people born into the same family. We all come in with lessons, patterns and momentums particular to us.
And trying to put everyone in the same basket is disrespectful and void of love because we are all unique and require different support.
Parenting takes an awful lot of commitment. Congratulations Rosie on staying the path – and now, being able to share what you know. I love your busting of the ‘woe is me’ myth of single parenthood.
True parenting is a very personal relationship between a parent and a child, and as long as it is based on love, the capacity for that is carried out is endlessly varied.
Hello Adam and I agree with what you are saying but say that any ‘true parenting’ goes well beyond just the relationship between “a parent and a child”. If we look only there for parenting then we are still seeing what we believe and not the truth of what we feel.
An inspiring contribution Rosie. If a home environment is created that encourages both parents and children to connect to and honour their true self, the wisdom that then comes from the children is amazing and certainly beyond their years.
An amazing inspiration for any (single) parent Rosie, that family is far wider than we’ve grown up to think and that support is there from that wider family. It makes parenting a totally different experience.
” I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone.” -Yeah I so relate as that used to be me too to an extent, until I realised it was totally ok that others could support and be there as well.
I love this: “I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.” And from that beingness we can then also see that our children will also make their own choices. When they are young we can guide them and live by example and when they get older we can still guide and live by example, however we can also understand then that the choices they might make later are their responsibility too.
And such an important question you raise here too: … “by whose standards am I not enough?” Comparison never really supports us and often we are our own worst critic – so to let go of an idealised concept of what and how parenting should look is a great start to re-connect to what is true within and start from there.
This is so true Rosie – “We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.” Walking our talk is the only way to be, be it with our children or others or indeed our selves.
I love your blog Rosie, it is such a needed conversation to start. Parenting and the ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ associated is such a huge weighty topic, and I know many parents who struggle with raising kids far more than is admitted. I have had the privilege of being closely involved in the upbringing of children around me and have gotten otherwise rare clips into how hard raising a child can be when you are trying to juggle all the expectations the world has on you as a parent. What you’re sharing Rosie is that we just need to be ourselves, to bring love to the relationship we have with our kids and drop all the ideals and beliefs.
I’m not currently a parent but if I was to look back on my own childhood and also in viewing parenting that I see now, the one thing that I value most is consistency, as a child that is a wonderful thing to have. As a parent it is not about looking for the child to love you, and certainly not to create a dependancy from the child of me to satisfy my need for love and affection. If I parent in the future there might be some tough points, some standoffs, but not being a ‘yes’ parent is an important part of it, saying ‘no’ is often more loving than saying ‘yes’. I guess another thing I took from reading Rosie’s blog is that it is important as a parent to be accepting of ourselves and that there is no such thing as perfection, just sharing your own quality with love and the best intentions.
I find it very interesting reading of experiences of being a parent as even though I am not a parent I can feel the ideals and beliefs which are present as to how parenting should look.
There’s lots of things to comment on Rosie in your blog and one being how we sometimes look at our children as our possessions. That they are ours… how limiting and imposing is this on children – It’s great that the ‘blood-family’ thing gets slowly wiped out as being the one important thing in life as it limits us to only care for our so called ‘blood-family’. We’re all one and we know it and no blood is mightier that the love you can feel with a fellow human being.
Yes how limiting is ownership! Thinking children are ours and my daughter thinks I am hers but I am not hers at all, I am here for everyone, its just that I live with her.
Awesome blog about parenting, Rosie, thank you. Even though I don’t have children on my own, I am fortunate to have many children around me and I relate to them as if they were my own in terms of how I support them and how I am with them. The word parenting is laced with tons of ideals and beliefs and how we parent is reflecting our own ideals and beliefs – quite exposing. There’s no perfection in anything and as you remind us all: “it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices” – and remembering that they know everything and that offering them true love and support unconditionally is really the key.
‘I have often thought that I was not a very good parent, but can today question this: by whose standards am I not enough?’ – This is a stellar question Rosie, and can apply to EVERY situation. Almost everyone believes they are ‘not a very good’ something, be it parent, daughter, husband, son, friend, colleague, boss, student etc., and your question perfectly exposes that this is based on an EXTERIOR image and ideal of ‘standards’ formed based on the beliefs of others.
‘I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.’
I agree, Rosie, children need boundaries and the challenge is to find a loving balance, not be too strict but also not too laissez – faire.. Also to show them a way that we live in brotherhood be it as a family or in the outside world.
Consistency with boundaries and being lovingly firm are awesome tips to something that is not an exact science or maybe that is the science.
Rosie I love it very much how you crack the many ideals and beliefs around parenting so easily.
Sometimes its not until kids grow up and have kids of their own that they start to develop an equal relationship with their parents.
Parents can be so intense about “getting things right” as a parent and not making any mistakes, but making mistakes is inevitable. Our children are definitely within our responsibility when we care for them, but also need to learn to make their own choices from self love. A relationship between a parent and child can be really beautiful when it is based on equalness.
I have tried to control my children’s behaviour so that I did not appear to be a ‘bad’ parent.
But if I reflect on their behaviour in general, especially at school, then: child number 1 indicates that I am a bad parent; child number 2 indicates that I am a great parent and can bask in the glory of his achievements; child number 3 indicates that I am okay most of the time but could do a lot better. Which one am I?
In reality they are 3 gorgeous boys and are so much more than their chosen behaviours, but do have to understand that there are natural consequences to their choices.
It is so freeing to know that my role as their parent is to live me in full, to read what is going on for them, and to offer them a reflection of love and commitment to life.
Love your list of ingredients. If you don’t put baking powder in the mixing bowl, your bread or cake just won’t rise. If you don’t put love for yourself and others in the mixing bowl of parenting, how on earth will you teach your child when they learn everything from example.
Our heart holds more wisdom than our head when it comes to parenting; and everything for that matter.
We raise our kids by example. We had better be loving if we want them to stay loving, we had better be honest if we want them to express honestly and we had better honour their wisdom if we want them to honour ours.
“as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings.”. This is so True and what I found fascinating is that children are actually choosing what they’re open to to learn. As a parent the key thing to do is to connect to them, see them and talk open and honestly with them. There’s enormous Power in just ‘being’ with the child – rather than all the things we ‘try’ to DO for them. That’s often full of emotions so actually not loving. Accepting that I’m enough as the man and father I am is the greatest lesson for me to surrender to.
‘We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.’ It would revolutionize the world if everyone applied this simple, though incredibly powerful understanding of what parenting is. This also goes for every other relation in our life – we can only ever inspire others by example.
To let go of the guilt and shame associated with the choices others we love is indeed liberating. It feels like you allow your daughter to take responsibility for her choices whilst still guiding her with less of a laissez-fair approach.
To not take on guilt and shame from our loved ones ill choices means that we look at where our own responsibilities truly lie.
Holding boundaries for children can be so supportive when it not done as a form of control or a need for them to be a certain way. Thank you Rosie for such an open and honest account of how your parenting journey has grown.
It is lovely to read how you have found your way in being a single parent to now having a full family around you. It highlights how family can be formed from anyone around us in community and does not have to be of blood to be supportive and loving.
When we need someone to like us it can be crippling – especially when that person is our child, who needs firm and loving boundaries and consistence which we can’t give them if they are always changing to win them over.
Amazing Rosie, this blog covers so much and offers so much wisdom and understanding to all children, adults and parents alike. This is deeply inspiring as who we are and the responsibility of being parents to all children lovingly.
” I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.” Beautiful 🙂
Gorgeous Rosie, this is such a supportive article for parents to read, as a parent I can relate to this, ‘I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.’ I no longer compare myself to other parents like I used to as it is very debilitating, I can feel the amazing qualities that I bring as a parent and the confidence that I now have in myself makes parenting my son much more simple and joyful.
Rosie, thank you, your blog exposes many of the attitudes we have as parents, there is much we can learn from it. One is that we cannot use our children for our own recognition, two is that children make their own choices and we can lovingly support that, three is that we are never alone and it’s OK to ask for help and four is that we are all parents to all the children in our lives.
The part about being a single mother and how that is hard etc is such a great illusion to expose. I always had that feeling of it being really hard as that is what is portrayed via the media, stories I hear and tv etc. but what you are sharing makes sense. That it is about embracing that your child is parented by so many people and to ask for support if needed. Amazing blog, thank you for sharing.
and I just love what you have shared about parenting other children that are not yours. Even that word ‘yours’ is awful. We tend to categorise everything and everyone as either ‘ours’ or ‘not ours’ and this perpetuates the illusion of separation from one another.
Rosie what you have shared here is very common amongst Mum’s ‘Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault’. It’s as if we believe that our children didn’t exist before they came into our bodies and that they are born blank sheets that we and only we, imprint. But our children have lived for countless lives before this one and bring with them so much. Yes, of course we influence our children hugely but to blame ourselves or even applaud ourselves for everything that happens to our children is very short sighted.
‘The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking’, oh Rosie you are so right. It actually goes against our very nature to live in the isolated way that we do.
‘I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it. I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of’. Rosie, for years I equated asking for support as a sign of weakness and conversely struggling to go it alone as a sign of strength. It’s actually crazy and keeps women in particular stuck in a punishing and isolating cycles. Looking back I also think that I had a pretty low level of self worth and so that was a huge contributing factor to my inability to ask for help.
Your final paragraph is a beautiful summary of true parenting. “We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another. I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.” Thank you Rosie for sharing your lived experience and learned wisdom so freely and with so much love for all. You are amazing!
I feel parenting is often interpreted as controlling, and or often comes with a controlling energy, when in fact it has nothing to do with control, and everything to do with connection – true open and honest connection with ourselves first which then allows the same true, open and honest connection with children.
If we really connected to why we felt like failures when things don’t turn out as planned, we’d realise how much emphasis we place on our expectations and how much we need them to be realised, purely because we haven’t accepted that we are already enough, and so when plans crumble, we look to someone else to fulfill them for us, essentially creating a project out on someone for our own personal gain. How imposing is that?
It is so true that we have so much family around us. Blood relatives to me these days feels like an opportunity to keep us separate from all our other brothers and sisters out there. We all have an opportunity to grow up in huge families if we choose it. I so very much love this idea because it’s simple to adopt – just let your guard down and let everyone in.
How we parent ourselves will be reflected in how we parent others.
So true Paula do we treat ourselves with the same loving support, appreciation and self discipline that we wish for our children?
An awesome approach that does not only apply to single parenting. All parents should be responsible for accepting who they are first before they get a chance to start imposing on their children by controlling them and moulding them into something they want for themselves.
‘We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another. I am here to support and guide her but not control her.’ I love these last two statements. They sum everything up, be yourself and allow others to be also.
“I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it. I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of.” I loved reading this Rosie as I can really relate to much of what you are sharing. One of my strongly held beliefs was that I always had to know how to do something the ‘right’ way. I was not aware of how much self-imposed pressure I was placing upon myself.
Parenting is a wonderful opportunity that comes with a huge responsibility as we are given a very important role to play in teaching and guiding a child/children as they unfold and grow up to become adults with a true sense of who they are and what they bring to the world.
A refreshingly open and honest blog containing much lived and learned wisdom on such a huge subject Rosie. Whether we are parents ourselves or not, we all have an opinion on the matter, in most cases based on ideals and beliefs we have soaked up as children from our own experience of being parented.
‘I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.’ Not only is this a clear picture of a parent’s true responsibilities in parenting but it also reflects the responsibility our children have for making their own choices and for understanding any consequences.
“I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone.” Rosie, this is a great point you make that we do have a choice to ‘go it alone’ or allow the support that is there from the bigger family, whether that be blood family or friends. You may feel vulnerable or exposed asking for support but it certainly does not mean that you are a ‘failure’, and it gives other people the opportunity to contribute.
Parenting is one of those jobs that most of us are very little prepared for. We receive no training or work experience unless we have supported our parents to bring up our younger siblings. Often we have very little idea of what is required to be a parent and we are forced to learn on the job. Parenting requires a level of responsibility and consistency that some young parents are not willing to step into. Without this firm loving guidance children feel insecure and this seeds forth many behavioural problems because they have not been met and raised. As you say, Rosie, we learn so much about ourselves from parenting. Children are very clear mirrors and reflect back to us how we are in each moment.
It has been very liberating letting go of my investment in my kids and any expectations I had of them. Frees them up to live their own lives
The investment in our kids is a big can of worms! Well it is to me, or like an onion, you peel off one layer and then you realise how many more layers you have. A work in progress, and I am okay with that.
It is only with honesty and support of others that I can see the picture more clearly and I can start to let go of the investments, ideals and beliefs and all that needing our kids or ourselves as parents to be a certain way.
On the subject of investment, I had invested in a plane ticket for my daughter to go to Sydney for the school holidays. I had spent money $$$ and in all honesty, I am tight with money.
I had also invested ideas of what I would do, not have to cook dinner each night, the house would stay clean and I would have time to myself. I could go for dinner with friends and not need to come back and be a mum etc.
But when my daughter said she didn’t want to go, at first I told her of all the reasons to go so she went ahead with it, and in some ways I feel I may have manipulated that. She said yes to please and overrode what she felt.
Then she said a few days later, “I really don’t want to go”. I asked Why? Then I was able to respond and say, you know what, if you really don’t want to go, you don’t even need to tell me why, there is no need to justify as I would love to just support your feeling. If you sense that it’s not what you want to do, lets honour that.
For me, to let go of the investment and support her knowing was a big new step for me. I am just sharing because how often do we make our children do things, manipulate and encourage them to override what they know and feel because we have our own investments? I only just realised how much I have done this in the past.
One thing I realized recently is that I may be a truly great parent but my child may be a complete basket case and that the state of my child has nothing to do with the quality of my parenting or say anything about me personally. He/she is making their own choices regardless of what refection they are getting from me.
Yes Mary Louise and if this is the case, then as parents it is super important to not judge ourselves but to really appreciate ourselves and hold steady to continue offering that reflection for our children weather they want it or not.
Perhaps it is just the awesome reflection that we are offering them that they are reacting to, because deep down they know that they can live that too, but they are not choosing to.
I loved this Rosie, what an awesome way to look at parenting! making it so simple and solid. your absolutely correct – “it is how you choose to parent that matters most and that of course will depend on the individual child, as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings.” each child is so different and needs something different. I also loved how big your family is and how its not bound by blood.
It is worlds apart thinking ourselves burdened by the responsibility of parenting, than to embracing the fact that we are a parent to all children and in turn our child has many many parents. It puts everything on its head and brings our focus to rich and supportive connections.
“I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.” Comparison is a killer! When we let this go, everything a lot more clear, and i’ve noticed in these instances, I’m content with myself.
Parenting can be super result driven. It is so important to have blogs like this available to remind us of what really matters.
What an absolute Gorgeous picture of you two Rosie. I can feel how much at ease you’re together. That’s a True Joy to watch. The equalness, care and love are palpable. I love parenting. There’s so much to learn. From myself as being a parent, parenting my child, and as well as learning from my child. The Wisdom that is shared without speaking, but just in movement is superb. In every moment, in every movement. I’ve come to know that there’re no rules in parenting, no good or bad, but all I can do is my way of parenting. As a parent I’m unique and I’ve got my unique style. Any comparison is making me insecure where as since I’ve chosen to ‘just’ be me, parenting seems to be much more easy and simple. And my child loves me for being me. And as a result, there’s much more space, warmth, care, playfullness and Joy between us. How about that…
“It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way.” That is so true Rosie and with living this insight you are such a great role model for your daughter.
‘Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with as there are just so many ideals and beliefs on what a parent should look like and behave like.’ – Parenting is one of the areas in life where people are often getting judged or imposed upon, not just by society but by school systems, medical/nutritional systems and other so called ‘authority’ systems. It takes true connection, clarity and awareness to know what is best for your child as opposed to blindly following ‘what it should look like’ or what is being expected from the outside.
I learned several years ago that the consistency, structure and rhythm of school was one of the reasons our daughter loved it so much – and at times preferred to be there instead of at home when things were more ‘laissez-faire’ as you describe Rosie.
Developing a structure and rhythm at home and keeping to it consistently – whether it is a school day, holiday or weekend – was not at all difficult to do and has meant just as much to me personally as it does to her. It showed me how much we all can benefit from consistency and rituals, no matter how old we are.
I have been understanding more and more the pictures that I have of what I should be like as a parent, and what I want/need/expect my daughter to be like. It is deeply humbling, and also feels like a burden lifted when I choose to let them go.
The “modern” family or the so called biological bonds we have as human beings are just a reduced version of the all we originally are and will return to. A true family is only true if it is lived from true brotherhood, including the all and living the same quality with everybody. That way parenting is a responsibility we all carry and we are parents all the time.
I remember growing up and having lots of people I called uncle, aunt and cousin who were not blood relatives. We limit ourselves when we think family is only blood relatives. I have been deeply supported by so many lovely people in life who are my chosen family.
I noticed your response to one of the comment above about how you are with your parents Rosie. It makes sense that our children will observe how we are with others however when we focus on one relationship we don’t necessarily then look at how we are in others. I used to be a bit of a chameleon when it came to relationships. One way of being for this group, a different one for another and so on. These days just being me is great and far less complicated, whether I am mum, daughter, friend, colleague etc.
I liked reading this blog Rosie. As a parent we can get down on ourselves for so many things. Being a parent is a glorious privilege, however I did not always feel that way. Being a sing parent for several years I felt a stigma about my status and felt I had something to prove to the world, so I tried to be a super mum, doing it all but wore myself out in the process.
It is refreshing to have someone write about their own experience of parenting. What is written here is helpful for parents and nonparents alike.
Great blog Rosie, Woman of the World.
We do not own our children and our children do not own us.
When we live with a great sense of self-respect and self-worth than our children naturally feel an impulse to be the same.
The relationship between child and parent is both a challenging and potentially inspiring opportunity if we so choose.
Rosie this was just one line that really stood out for me ‘How much we share and let others support us really is up to us. I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone’. I would say that the majority of us struggle to do things by ourselves, yet if we allowed others to help, as you have done, it would transform our experience and perception of life.
I wanted to add that it feels great to have someone just sharing their experience of parenting from a very humble position like you have done in this blog, it does not feel like you a trying to teach or show or prove anything but simply opening up the conversation for whoever wants to share.
I am not teaching as it is different for everyone, and I am just figuring it out for myself, but I do get that by sharing, we can all learn and be inspired by each other to find our own way.
Love it Rosie, we do make our own family, love your ability to let go of judgements and appreciate what you bring to your daughter.
There is so much support there for us – this is the stand out for me. Whether as a parent or not, the more we let that support into our lives the more we get to feel how much care and love people have to share.
I know so many parents who feel like failures, that their children haven’t turned out the way they thought they would, that they are trouble and hard work – how did they get this way! It is easy to throw our hands in the air and point a finger at hormones, genetics and it being a normal part of growing up – especially rebellion and issues during the teenage years. But what if it is to do with us as parents, our relationship with our kids and the reflection and upbringing we have offered them. Kids are like sponges and if we have reflected an unloving, irresponsible attitude, it will get picked up by them.
I agree with you Rebecca that there is a lot of pointing fingers at hormones and they are just being a teenager. This is a great cop out from taking responsibility and I agree that they are sponges too and absorb what is going on around them but don’t like to blame it on just the relationship a child has with the parents because in truth, our children are in lots of relationships, with peers, friends in and out of school, teachers etc and are influenced by them also. We as parents can mess up and in my case, change how I live and offer a steady reflection, but at the end of the day, it is up to my daughter to choose and to be responsible. I can guide her but I can’t force her. I can support her but I really can’t carry her or make her do anything.
Absolutely Rosie, we are all equal and the way you have shared about your celebration with your extended family is providing a snapshot of what family life in the future will look like!
There are so many ‘right and wrong’ ways to parent my head would not stop spinning if I let it. The being ‘me’ part took a while to reach, but now I feel that I am that, all of me, it has changed how I parent. The days of reacting to their behaviours have all but gone and what is left is a steadiness that I know they feel, they feel me and they love it.
I see a lot of parents take on the ‘laissez-faire’ approach that you’ve talked about Rosie, particularly when their children become young adults and teenagers who can make their own decisions. Although it is very important to develop independence and responsibility as a young person, as you’ve shared if you treat your kids as equals then your relationship with them is still just as important going into the teenager period as it is when they were younger and couldn’t make as many decisions for themselves. You can support them in learning how to express without ideals and beliefs and without trying to ‘fit in’, and inspire them to make choices that are supportive and not harming.
“Parenting is a very individual experience…” Rosie this is huge and something that is really worth pondering on. When I first had my children I was very much under the belief that there must be an equalness, what I do for one I must do for another. What I have come to realise is that this simply does not work. Although we are all equal we all require different things at different times. Our very natures are different, and what may work for one almost certainly will not work for another. Furthermore, what works one minute or day will not work the next. There is a constant movement of energies and it is very important to understand and be present in that moment and connected with that particular person, whoever that may be.
Rosie what you have shared is very inspiring, parenting is a challenging role and many parents struggle with it, like your experience they feel they are doing a bad job. But in truth , everyone has their own way of parenting and it’s important to appreciate what you bring.
Consistency is vital when raising children. What I am observing, for example is the unwinding down in the evenings before bed. It is work in progress and an important part of the day preparing for the next. Being consistent with this has an impact as even one evening out of rhythm can have an effect on the whole family for a few days afterwards.
Thank you, Rosie. I just love looking at the picture of you with your daughter, feeling the natural closeness between you. When we let go of all the beliefs about who, what and how we should be as a mother, we can see the child as just another being, that we have constellated to walk beside. Then we are free to relate to each other, without putting any picture or expectation on how things need to be between us. Family can be an imprisonment or it can be a constant opportunity to evolve.
I like that line. Family can be an imprisonment or it can be a constant opportunity to evolve. This got me thinking and I can also see how we can use family as an excuse. I am this or that way because my mum was this or that, or I have such and such because my dad had it… and the classic one, I do it that way because that is how I was brought up. How often do we blame our family instead of taking responsibility for our choices?
I am learning so much from my children. Seeing my relationship with my children in this way brings about a whole new meaning to raising my kids. I am beginning to take responsibility for myself and end up not blaming them but question the choices I have made previously.
‘The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking.’ I so agree Rosie. When we live by this ‘rule’ we shut ourselves down to the endless possibilities of deeply connecting to others in our day to day lives.
I was attending a class recently about the whole start of parenting process, what was most interesting was that the person running this very clearly had her ideas about what was right or wrong. And then as new parents what we would or would not be “judged” on. Given that we all know every child is different and that the most important thing is to connect and trust how we feel it shows that the system is setup in the opposite way. As you said we can start to form a very critical view of are we good enough, are we doing things right – but in who’s mind is that?
I only attended one pre natal class and I found the information being presented there to be so far from what felt okay for me that I could not attend again. The woman then contacted me and asked me to come again and when I explained why she said it was great to have me there as I offered a totally different perspective for other parents to be inspired by. Looking back now, it was one of those moments where I could have considered what i could bring rather than what I could get.
With so much training ‘needed’ for every aspect of life and for every career in life it seems that parenting is one the last bastions left untouched by qualification city, yet It is the most important job out there. I can’t imagine finding professional support and help that easy as parents usually go it alone with only their parents as role models. Blogs like this one go a long way in debunking perceived ideals and beliefs and offer immeasurable support and different perspectives on this most important topic.
I used to think that what was going on for another child was none of my business and that it was up to the child’s own mum and dad to sort it out but this was nothing but another belief I had taken on. When I am around children, being responsible for them as well as my own brings about a togetherness as though we are one big family. There’s an expansiveness and it feels very different to the limited, contracted thought of being responsible only for my own.
Parenting should be the most important task we undertake with the responsibilities and the outcomes from our assistance in helping shape the vessel, and this applies to all not just our own. Till now they have never come with instructions. Anything we buy today is required by law to have instructions. In 2015 in the UK it was determined the cost of raising a child to the age of 21 to be £230,000 and comes only with second-hand information on care, feeding and better performance. Your words Rosie are showing there is another way, in that how we love and care for ourselves is the first step and treating children as small people with these simple instructions, both grow and expand.
I love how many mothers, fathers and siblings were at your daughters’ party, it shows how amazing it is, not just to have family friends but role models and their value in our lives. Never alone and constantly supported.
Thank you Rosie, absolutely delicious blog. Our role is indeed to be a reflection to our children of how to live in the world being our amazing selves, to be committed and engaged citizens of the world and of our own lives with a marker in our bodies for choices and consequences. We are forever learning and developing this and as such never can it be contained for just a few.
Being stuck in the ‘how to parent’ is so restrictive for everyone. When I find myself knee deep in trying to gain some order or control of my sons, I now look at where did I allow something in my daily routine to slide, leaving me feeling like I’m 100 steps away from myself. Or I look at what expectations or pictures I’ve had.
This blog and deepening honest comments following on are so powerful and could easily be a book or parenting course!
An absolute gem for all here Rosie. Comparison and judgment of oneself are hard companions through life, not only in the role of parent, but in all the roles we take on in life, thus reducing us to feeling under constant tension of feeling unworthy or lesser. I love the question you pose on whose standards we measure ourselves by. How beautiful to appreciate yourself and your own experience with your daughter in full (very evident from this blog) and let go of the harmful way of comparison.
“I have often thought that I was not a very good parent, but can today question this: by whose standards am I not enough? I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting”.
Wow Rosie, this should be in every parenting book or magazine… the awarenesses you have come to and lessons you have learnt are revolutionary compared to what is passed down from generation to generation. I especially loved how you truly captured it all when you said that you are here to support and guide her but not control her and to just be yourself so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is. Stunning. This is true parenting.
Rosie I love this blog as parenting is such an amazing, challenging experience full of so many expectations, ideals and beliefs that we can so easily get caught in. I love the fact that you don’t hold back in expressing this with honesty, but also the fact you are claiming that with parenting comes a true responsibility, not just with our own children but with all children in our lives and that is living who we truly are.
I also love what you’ve shared around taking the pressure off any outcome in parenting too Rosie, as a measure of your success as a parent… that is also so common. Understanding this generally comes from pictures we hold about what an ideal child grows up to be like is important. There are however many true qualities and traits that do reflect whether we have parented in a way that was true for that child or not… in their own sense of self, their ability to be responsible adults and their ability to remain true to themselves in the world. Whilst there are many variables and ultimately the way they turn out reflects their own choices in life, if we have not been true to ourselves as parents and in the world, then the likelihood of our kids growing up to do so is very slim.
Very true Jenny and the world is littered with examples that have had parents who do not live what they preach!
“I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.” I agree Rosie whether we are parenting in a relationship or at work being consistent makes a huge difference to how we are with people. It was only much later in life I recognised the power of consistency as this was not something that was presented to me when I was growing up. I feel this contributed to the lack of responsibility I took in my twenties and thirties, going along with what people said rather than discerning for myself what was okay and what was not.
Beautiful Rosie, I feel as though you’ve just laid out a 101 parenting guide with so much of value expressed throughout. I particularly love the distinction you make between being equal, and being a parent. Many parents attempt to hold their children as equals but in this make the mistake of that meaning they should not impose boundaries. Knowing you are the parent and the responsibility that role brings in guiding and supporting a child’s development of responsibility in the world, is crucial.
I am so enjoying getting to know who my daughter is without the unconscious expectations I had placed on her. The more I give myself what I need as a woman and bring this to her, I realise how much this holds her by reflection in making her own choices.
I can see that the tendency as a single Mum is to befriend our child, especially if there is just one of them, and therefore they learn to do everything with you as an adult would. This creates difficulties instilling boundaries as they grow older, because they carry a kind of precocious ability on the one hand but with it a kind of arrogance that, as I have discovered, begins to rear its ugly head! Clear boundaries and expectations and involving her in the household chores and activities is the way that we are easing her out of this state and simply letting her be the child that she is but equally with a sense of responsibility of her belongings and herself in relation to others.
Parenting takes on a very different feel when we recognise that our children are not ours, they are people in their own right who make their own choices, and our job as their parent is to read them and respond accordingly, rather than parenting from what we think things should look like or what we want them to look like.
One of the most profound shifts I have made in parenting is learning to express boundaries from tenderness, remaining connected to my child when I talk with her, especially about ill-behaviour and not alienating her. The key thing that really helps with this is accepting her, in full, for who she is and dropping any kind of idealism I have about who she is; simply accepting where she is at and her choices as she is not me, she is her own person.
This is lovely Rosie, especially reading the final paragraph , “… as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another…I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.” – just this in a nutshell – if all parents could allow this with their children – and if we held this view in the way we parent ourselves! And if we could share this with all teachers in schools wouldn’t that be something.
Rosie, I love the point you make about us all being family and therefore we are never alone. The way the world is at the moment, we live amongst a sea of people yet still we can at times feel that we have to ‘go it alone’ because we live under the illusion that we are separate to each other unless related by family ties. When really the truth is, as you have presented, we are united by love not blood. This therefore reveals that we do not feel lonely because there is no one around, we are lonely for the love we are but in these moments are not choosing to connect to and express with all others.
Thanks Liane, that explains why I used to at times feel lonely but don’t anymore! The love has always been here within me, but I was shut down, I was holding it back and not sharing it and expressing it with others. I had made it about others, rather than taken responsibility for my part.
We have created a way of living here on Earth that does not truly support the exquisite, tender, sensitive and Soul-full beings we naturally are when not imposed upon by the outer world of ideals, expectations and beliefs that move in to obscure our naturally emanating light. As such, the way we have come to live as adults strays very far from the way we would live if we were honouring who we really are, and in turn, it is this ‘imposter’ (false image) that we end up reflecting to the children of the world. That is, we often send the message, albeit unconsciously, that in order to survive this loveless way of living we are responsible for creating and maintaining, we need to toughen up, play nice, supress what we truly feel so we don’t upset anyone etc. True parenting begins when we make the choice to let go of such impositions and begin to move in a way that is true to the love that we are. Thus, as adults of the world we have a responsibility to live all that is true so that the children, whether they are our own or not, consistently receive this reflection in order to better navigate their way through all that is not of this truth.
Yes, we have a great responsibility as role models to take care of ourselves and be all we are as we make a strong impression on all those around us, our children and everybody else.
Rosie thank you for sharing such a lovely understanding of parenting. I had a little laugh reading “what a parent should look like and behave like.”
This is the same pressure and expectation that children are so automatically treated with – they should look and behave a certain way, and we apply exactly the same discipline on ourselves. There is no ideal way of looking and behaving for the world to be ok with who we are. It is up to us to be absolutely accepting of who we are and our children are without the imposition of what it looks like or comparing to others.
Rosie I am honored to be walking side by side with you as a woman and a mother, in our universal family affair.
Parenting is a deep joy each and every day. There is no deeper joy but to be in constant evolution with someone, and to let go of more pictures of what parenting looks like every day. The testimonial of parenting is reflected in our own bodies.
I hear that often too–”It is your fault” expressed from the mouth of my child. “No it is not”, can be expressed back from my mouth, but all is energy and we all read each other. The ingrained belief that “when something goes wrong it must be my fault” is one such belief many women carry within because of our lack of self-worth. No one can stop or control what another says, but one can take the responsibility to be honest to oneself and come back to truth.
I love what you have written Rosie. Our family connections are vast and what we do affects everyone else so we are all parenting in a way. We do not need to fix things but we do need to support one another. Parenting is a precious role and we all have strengths and weaknesses, we don’t have to cover everything and we don’t have to be hard on ourselves. It is important to appreciate what we bring.
I remember feeling such despair at one stage when I had kids at home because I felt all my relationship was with my kids was making sure they’d done what they had supposed to do for school. I felt judgement from the school and others because my kids resisted doing homework and I wanted them to do well. There are the beliefs that I was bound up with. It would have been great to know what I know now and to take the pressure off all of us. It would have been great to find another way. I so appreciate your blog, thank you Rosie.
There is deep appreciation for all constellations in life, being a single parent is an amazing opportunity to open up what is true family, as there are many moments when life forces me to see it is simply not true to be facing everything alone, so ask for support! From teachers at school and out of school, to friends, to the police, to direct family, to strangers, everyone…it is a blessing to be sharing what is truth in our every day encounters, it makes sense to be meeting many people and living in regards to the concept of true family and brotherhood. Even in what I feel are deeply vulnerable situations as a single parent, these are still opportunities to bring evolution.
The concept of family, that of true family, is so much more expansive than what we have currently reduced it to be just of blood relations. I consider everyone who comes in contact with my son and myself to be family. By letting them in on our lives deeper than what is on the surface, honesty begins to build trust. It is often intimidating to people at the start when this is my chosen form of interaction, because trust has been taught to be something very reserved for a selected few in our lives, but the more I openly and honestly share myself, others start to feel my trust and do the same.
As in being a parent, every role in life is an ideal or belief that eventually we can choose to return to love by dropping the pictures and simply moving through life impulsed from our hearts.
I feel it is an amazing quality as a parent to not go it alone, but to ask for support, whether you are a single parent or not, friends and family, as well as strangers all have qualities that enhance the parented experience of the child. I recall growing up having non family members look after me from time to time and it was always a great learning for me, it teaches us so much about the world and how to communicate with people with different characteristics, traits and foibles. Their perspective on the world is so valuable and opened up my eyes to things I might not otherwise have seen.
‘I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.’ This line says It all Rosie, and we can apply this to everything/everyone we approach.
You clearly highlight here, the power of choosing to just be ourselves and trust in that innate inner guidance to hold us so steady in that unwavering love and care, in any situation with ourselves first, and then naturally to flow on to others.
’Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault. I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.’ – There is deep wisdom in these words Rosie, we all need to allow children to take responsibility for their own choices.
’I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it.’ – This simple little line is super important, I have personally experienced that to keep people at distance or assuming that I can manage eveything myself is simply a life of existence and not truly living.
Golly I reckon I was a master of the ideals and beliefs in parenting and can relate to so much you have shared. I felt much better than everyone else in the choices I was making, however as the children have grown older I have been able to see that most of these ways were to suit the pictures I was holding around how I wanted them to be and purely to suit myself. My parenting was based on not wanting to parent as I had been but I didn’t heal the hurts I felt as a child and tried to plaster them over with my own set of pictures. Thank goodness I have now seen they are actually in charge of their own lives and how we are all here to learn equally with each other.
‘I used to think that it was hard as I was alone in this role of raising a child and everything depended on me, and if anything went wrong, or if my child made the wrong choices, it would be all my fault. How wrong was I!’ Rosie I certainly relate to this as I am sure many parents do. I remember a midwife saying to me after I had given birth to my second child that when women give birth, they also give birth to guilt that they are never a good enough parent. Looking back I can see how harmful this ‘saying’ was and how we can end up in the guilt trap whenever we parent from the ideals and beliefs that we sell out to rather that simply allowing ourselves to express from who we are naturally.
I have had guilt for not being good enough as a parent as part of my luggage that I carry with me everywhere for a long time. It’s poisonous and it comes from my own lack of appreciation and because I was in comparison for so long. Guilt serves no one.
I too chose the victim role as a single parent Rosie until eventually I caught myself red-handed and could feel it was just a game I was playing to avoid taking responsibility for simply being myself and parenting from there.
A beautiful sharing, Rosie. There are so many books and courses around telling us how to parent but of course we innately know how to do this, and having to use these books and courses show us just how far away we are from feeling who we truly are inside. It feels to me that you are now parenting from that inner place and know exactly what your daughter needs and are laying a very solid foundation for your ongoing relationship with her.
We hold so many pictures and ideals and the reality never matches the image we have created. I’m learning to let go of some of these pictures and it has made life so much simpler.
‘I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another’. This is so true with parenting a child or for all those that care for children but I would also say this is true for life too as it is when we live what we say that we truly inspire another.
The myriad of ideals and beliefs out there around parenting is so imposing in itself on parents… no wonder when we are allowing ourselves to be taken along for a ride by them, that we are then in that same energy imposing onto our children. It is one big set-up to go with concepts and not go with what we know naturally with-out any doubts from within. Rosie thank you for your honesty and exposing what most parents in the world come up against every day.
Rosie – as an expecting mother this is a gorgeous blog to read and I really appreciate you sharing your past and current experience of what it is to be a parent. As you so beautifully summed up – it is about being a responsible reflection – and this has a huge effect on not just children but everyone around us, confirming that they are the same as everyone else.
To let go of comparing how we parent to other parents is also a big one, and I love what you share here about allowing our children to have several role models in their lives.
Being a good parent – the worry of new and old parents alike. We want to be and do the best by our children, and the world is certainly not short on ideas around what that should look like. But what you’re presenting is that being a good parent is as simple as being yourself and providing the child with the space to be themselves, which includes boundaries set down with true love
Thank you for sharing this Rosie. Parenting is such a huge topic with so many ideas about right and wrong, we lose our inner sense and knowing of what is true for our children, something that is actually innate if we allow the space for it
This absolutely works for me too ~’I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not’. Important and necessary!
One of the biggest keys to all of this is EQUALITY. It is so essential to treat our kids as equals. Because they absolutely are. And that includes them accepting and embracing and taking equal responsibility for their part in it all. Kids crave this, they need it and they can absolutely handle it. I can see that so many problems with children are because parents haven’t encouraged, expected and insisted on the kids taking responsibility for themselves.
I totally agree and have always felt strongly that if as a parent or friend, you try to save someone, or fix or do it for them, instead of letting them figure it out and take responsibility, you are actually crippling them and taking their opportunity to learn and evolve away from them.
All the zillions books that have been written about parenting….I have read many of them….but nothing has taught me more about true parenting than the Way of the Livingness and the wisdom of Serge Benhayon. I am not a perfect parent – but I am pretty amazing at it and am learning every day to appreciate that. It’s not easy when there are so many pressures and coercions pulling the kids and tugging at my, still present, ideals and beliefs about what a parent should be – but more and more, thanks so very much to Serge and his family, I am allowing us all to feel how awesome we are. And that is proper JOY.
Yes Otto, me too. I am learning to appreciate a lot about my relationship with my daughter lately. Rather than pick myself or her apart for the faults, change that mindset and appreciate the awesome relationship we have.
This is great for all parents to read. I have not had children, but I have watched every parent I know struggle finding their feet in parenting without getting affected by all the ‘should do’s’ and concepts that are around. This is a great conversation to start Rosie, thank you for sharing.
A blueprint for parenting with the foundation being about connection not control
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next”, Rosie I just love how casually truthful this line is.
I have been pregnant for a short time and I can remember that even then, I was already thinking about how I was going to be as a parent. I had all these ideas, images and beliefs in how I should be and what parenting looked like. We seem to get really focused about how we should be in the role as parent instead of allowing ourselves to just be who we are and that this is more than enough. True parenting for me is a being, a being in connection with yourself and from that, in connection with those around you.
This is a great blog Rosie, thank you for writing it. It really highlights how many ideals and beliefs are surrounding the role of parenting, and offers insight that the relationship we have with ourselves can be transferred onto the relationship between the parent and child. If we meet, regard, respect and love ourselves, we naturally bring these qualities to all relationships, including the parenting relationship.
There is a saying that ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ and although your extended family is not quite a village it feels so beautiful for a young girl to be surrounded by such love and support, how wonderful would it be for all young people to feel this, from people of all ages, regardless of whether they are blood family or not.
The ideals and beliefs about how one should parent are many and varied with hundreds of books written on the subject, each on espousing their way as ‘the way’ but in the end the most important ingredients of parenting are developing connection and love with oneself …. then true love and connection with your child/children will be a natural consequence of your living way.
I never had children but would have been glad to have many of the contributors here as parents.
’I have often thought that I was not a very good parent, but can today question this: by whose standards am I not enough?’ – Brilliant question, it is a classic that we judge ourselves by society’s and ’everybody else’s’ standards and not by what is true to ourselves.
’Even writing on the subject of parenting felt like a topic that only certain people could possibly write about.’ SO true, in the past I used to think that I had nothing to offer in a discussion about parenting, as I am not a parent myself. Today I see this as a complete lack of responsibility, we are all equally equipped to know what is and what is not true parenting. And we are equally responsible to express it when it is needed.
That is such a good point Eva. Parent or not a parent, there is still a responsibility to express and this applies to all aspects of our lives. We don’t have to be a bully or a victim to stand up and express and support others and we don’t have to be a teacher to see what is clearly not working in the education system or be a doctor to comment on the health system.
Thank you for all the great reflections in this blog Rosie. You say ’There are also many parents who may make it look like everything is ‘all good’ on the outside but really you can feel that this may not always be the truth.’ – Yes, many parents are teaching their children that it is important to maintain a facade, rather than inspiring them to be true to themselves and everyone else.
So many of us are taught to put on the smile, be friendly or do this or that when it is the opposite of what we feel to do. We train ourselves to override what we naturally feel to do or express and we become experts at living this lie. Well, at least I know I have done that.
As a grandmother now I am learning a whole new way to (grand) parent – thanks to Universal Medicine. I love reading the children’s books by Desiree Delaloye and Tanya Curtis to them. The OOps books is an especial favourite with them.
“….by whose standards am I not enough? I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.” This sentence can apply to so many areas in life. Comparison is deadly. What purpose does it serve? None other than to make us feel bad. We are all unique and have different life experiences. We are enough. Appreciation supports me to combat this deadly evil.
A great sharing Rosie! You are so inspiring in the way you are raising your Daughter and it is lovely to hear a parent step back and let go of making it all about you and your “mistakes”, as you say we all make them but we need to appreciate the positives and the learning that we gain through being a Parent. Children need boundaries not only to protect them but to give reassurance to the parents as well that their child is safe. It is lovely to hear that you include so many wonderful people and children in your family, that in turn supports you to be a better parent
Expectations which are generally based on ideals and beliefs seem to be a big hindrance in our relationships, especially of those with children and with family. Recognising the ways that don’t work in parenting, as you have shared here, allows us the awareness and honesty to bring change . Change that is sorely needed in the world today. It feels like an area where a lot more could be done by parents for parents. It seems like you have a lot to contribute in this area.
I feel that parenting Rosie is like you share something that is supported by boundaries and consistency and the person who is the parent living what they say, not saying one thing and doing another. Children really thrive when their environment is authentic and they can express without being ridiculed or shamed.
Parenting is definitely a mine field when you come from the mind aka ideals and beliefs of what it ‘should’ look like! I like you Rosie are learning a lot through my journey as being a parent and one of those big ones early on was that I could only love her as much as I loved myself. So the most loving thing I could do was to take deep care of myself, honour myself and then caring and loving her was a natural extension of this. This is always developing and evolving deepening, which is a pretty awesome thing to say about parenting!
Thank you Rosie for sharing such an inspiring blog. There was much that stood out for me but needing my children to like me has been a big one for me. I can still slip into this behaviour especially when I’m feeling tired in the evenings. This begs to ask myself in what areas can I been more loving with my movements in my day so that I can live with a consistency of love throughout the day for myself and therefore for my children… much to ponder on here.
“The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking. We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings.”
I absolutely love this line! Firstly there’s so much profound Wisdom shared and from that Wisdom I can feel and see the Joy that is possible when we apply it to practical life! How lovely is it to celebrate your birthday, feeling that all the people close to you are indeed all family! I couldn’t help but wonder what the world would look like if we would apply this all around the world? That not one member of this world is not our / a family member and that no one is left out. Even though we might at times feel that way. Thank you Rosie and daughter.
I love what you’ve shared about treating your daughter as an equal; this is SO important as it empowers children and young people to live, talk and move responsibly. If they are treated as ‘kids’ and ‘lesser’ individuals then it is no surprise that they will behave child-like, and although it is vital that we allow children to play, experiment and enjoy themselves we can still treat them as equal and thus teach them that their expression is just as important as everyone elses, and about respect, responsibility and caring for themselves and others.
Rosie, I love this article, it is great to read that you ask for support, ‘How much we share and let others support us really is up to us. I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone.’ I have started asking for help with my son and he loves being with other people, I feel for a long time I didn’t want anyone else influencing him and so would not let anyone else look after him, this has changed now and it is wonderful for me to have support, for my son to build relationships with others and for others to be with my son, its a win win situation and all I needed to do was ask for help and have found people very willing to help.
Others influencing our children is a great thing, as we cant be perfect on all levels, so if children are given the opportunity to communicate and connect with others, they get inspired and learn things that we would never be able to support them with. We really don’t care for them by keeping them in our so called form of protection by controlling. That is a total illusion isn’t it.
Boundaries are just picket fences that still allow you to see but gently guide you until you have your understanding. We can learn so much about ourselves from our children. As you have said all children are amazing and how can we improve on that!
Wow, Rosie, this is awesome, so much contained in this short blog that can help parents to appreciate themselves and their children. Not only do we have pictures in our heads about what a perfect parent should look like, we also have pictures of how we think our children will turn out. Letting go of THAT control has been a big change for me. My children, both in their 30s have turned out beautifully in their own right, and they have made their own choices every step of the way. As you suggest, our role is to be ourselves so they can see that living in a way that is guided by our own hearts is the best we can all be.
Rosie to read your awesome blog is such a joy as it showed very clear how true parenting should be.
What an inspiring contribution – it should be part of every parenting book in the world.
I just love the ‘true family’ gathering that you had to celebrate yourselves and the relationships you all have. There are a lot of beliefs out there about our family being the only blood relatives we have or restricted to those under one roof, but this only leaves us all missing out. We know that we were not only raised by our parent/s, that so many other influences were amongst us and as we as adults embrace the responsibility we have for raising all of our children, by way of our own reflection, we will re-build our society based on this true and one family we innately are. We’ll change the ‘norm’!
Our children are their own beings and equally are not owned by us in anyway, knowing this can support us to see how crazy the ideals and beliefs really are that come up, about it being our responsibility or our fault. Thank you Rosie for exposing and graciously discarding the thoughts that you have held around parenting and expressing about them for what they truly are, controlling or unnatural to for us to live. You are an inspiration as a parent by living ‘your way’, keeping it simply about your rhythm and what feels true for you and then living this way with your daughter, any other child and all other people you are in relationship with. This is the simplicity of living that we truly need in the world, to be ourselves without the pressures or expectations and to truly teach, allow and inspire others to be true to themselves too.
This point about being responsible for our children’s choices can act out as a very subtle ingrained guilt or need for recognition through our children that can hide under what you describe Rosie as a ‘laissez-fair’ approach to being a parent as much as it can an overtly controlling style. Yet as you powerfully express from your experience, letting go of any control can result in feeling true responsibility and thus being able to set firm, loving boundaries. In this way children will have at the least a marker that they can use to reflect where they are at and at most, understand that some rules and guidelines come from truth and love that are universal.
You know reading this blog that I wrote again and then reading your comment, I realise that I have a new marker, where we are today and I would love to get up and dance around the house in celebration as since I have let go of the control and am just firm with a few boundaries, things have shifted so much in our home. It just goes to show me how we often don’t stop and reflect, and appreciate the small things and all the things that are happening around us. We make the ooops or the fall out to be the elephant in the room and make it into something bigger than it is and yet brush off the amazing moments and the ones that are worthy of celebrating. Why is it so that we see the yuk so much easier than see the beauty.
Rosie you express so much wisdom in this blog. It is easy to focus on the things we perceive we did wrong as a parent and not appreciate the awesome stuff as well. I particularly relate to the need to lead by example as children sniff out the slightest whiff of the ‘do as I say and not as I do’ mentality and of course do not buy into that ‘idealism’. However, I found as a child that this way left me feeling adrift and without a true guide. As a parent I often lacked confidence and so held back for fear of getting things wrong which I have since learned is a disturbing reflection to the young. Now I see that as an example of how an ideals of how a parent should be gets in the way.
This is a really gorgeous account of true family Rosie with a clear message about loving ourselves way beyond being a parent, a partner, a son or daughter. As we take that foundation of love out into life, we find ourselves meeting people who may become part of the supportive family unit without any need for history, because of the trust and love we open up to that is timeless.
This is so true Simon, some family members are new, brand spanking new but feel like they have been a part for as long as anyone else because of the connection, trust and love that we open up to. It is a choice to open up to that, or to not. No one to blame, just a choice.
“Parenting? Phew what a big responsibility that’s not for me”. This is what I hear some people say. But as you dedicatedly show Rosie, parenting is not a job position or badge we wear but a way we are with everything constantly. Just in how I choose to be with me I am raising and supporting myself to be loving and true or not. When you look at it this way having a child is no more burden or strife but another pair of shining eyes to show you where you chose Love and where you lie. Isn’t life much greater when we know the facts of how we are, so that we can bring greater care into this world? For our choices lead to consequences for us all.
“When you look at it this way having a child is no more burden or strife but another pair of shining eyes to show you where you chose Love and where you lie.”
My kids show me so so many things. There is not one day I go by without being appreciative for all that they are and all that they show me too. It is by no means a one way street in the world of parenting.
The concept of family relating only to “blood”/ family tree is very restrictive and conditional. For aren’t we all one big family? Rosie- I loved how you broadened your family to include others who were special and part of your lives.
Brilliant blog Rosie, it is inspiring to be so honest and open about parenting. There are so many pictures and images we often place on parenting and often a lot of judgement comes with it if we don’t fit the perfect picture. I have found parenting has offered me many opportunities to learn and grow, and there is no such thing as mistakes but just a constant learning. I love how you shared that we are all equal and being ourselves in parenting is the greatest gift we can reflect to our children and to others. Respect, love, honesty, consistency and equality are some of the key ingredients in parenting and in life. I feel deeply blessed to have my children reflect their wisdom, love and joy to me every day. I also appreciate that every situation is an opportunity for us to evolve when we keep our hearts open. Thank you for reminding us that we are all already amazing.
What a super honest blog Rosie and many parts I could relate to, including being caught up in the belief that how my children turned out and their choices was a reflection on how well I had or hadn’t parented. In other words being identified by an outcome and expectations rather than simply focussing on being myself. The more I let go of these beliefs and what I ‘think’ a good parent is and trust what I can feel in my body (which for me comes back firstly to the relationship I have with myself and reflect this to my children) the more I am able to truly parent without imposition, control, judgement or reaction.
With parenting there are so many ideal and beliefs that get in the way and make life complicated and disharmonious for everyone involved. In appreciating who we are as a woman first, then parent second ,we allow our children to learn the importance of valuing ourselves and knowing that we are already amazing and beautiful without the need to prove anything by “doing.”
I love that you undo the belief that the parent must be ‘right, have all of the answers and be perfect’ Rosie… to realise that a parent leads the way by being themselves and being responsible for their choices. It’s no wonder children react when someone is ‘trying’ around them, ‘trying’ to be something, or to ‘not make a mistake’. It’s greatly freeing on both the parent and the child when this burden is lifted.
Everyone with no exception has had an experience of being parented, and what we see in societies around the world is rarely a reflection of life being lived with love and truth, and it is very hard for many not to live by the ideals and beliefs surrounding us. How can we ever parent another when we don’t even learn or know how to live lovingly and truthfully our own life?
Parenting is such a great responsibility, but no more or less than our responsibility in any relationship – whether it be a partnership, friendship, working relationship or acquaintances.
Thanks Rosie great blog, I’m a non custodial parent so a single parent of sorts but last saw my now 15 year old son 2 years ago, This resonated for me “I am a single parent and have always used this fact to confirm to myself that I was somehow a victim, and that being a parent is so much harder for me, but the truth is, it really doesn’t matter whether you are single or not, it is how you choose to parent that matters most and that of course will depend on the individual child, as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings.” I’m not perfect but for at least 13 years I felt the role I was to (ideal and belief) provide money in lieu of my absence. This simply confirmed this absence and facilitated less contact. Appreciate your blog to broaden this conversation about parenting.
There certainly are many ideals and beliefs about parenting, and I am not even a parent myself but I can feel how much I am affected by them and come up with a bunch of shoulds & shouldn’ts. But when I look at the Benhayons as a family, I cannot help but feel that there is a way – without it being perfection or ideal, something that is woven into the way they are that is common and foundational – that is rarely seen anywhere else and inspire many so deeply.
Even though it may ‘seem’ we are individual pods or families, in truth we are all One .. and so therefore have the responsibility to care, love and support all others. I am not a parent but do not hold back in expressing those loving, caring and supportive qualities when talking to any child or young person. There is a beauty in this way of being and living that we are not all conciously aware of … yet.
With or without having children of our own, we equally have responsibility to live in such a way to leave an imprint for our next generations to build their life upon that is of love and truth – and what is beautiful here is it is your way, Rosie, that you have been living and building and that is the only way to do.
I love your blog Rosie and I can relate to the single parent syndrome of not asking for help, doing it all on your own and trying to fit into the perfect parent model. I too have found over the last few years that when you spend so much time doing all of that, everyone misses out on you naturally being you and reflecting that to your children. The greatest gift we can give to children, is to just be our amazing selves, then they get confirmed by that and can choose to do likewise, and there is no wanting to change or controlling involved.
The fact that our family is not just limited to those we are related to biologically but in truth includes all those we are connected to energetically is huge and a major inconvenience to us being able to perpetuate the notion that we are separate from each other, even with this as the normal expression in our world today, deep within we know we are all brothers.
Children are often testing things out, pushing the boundaries and seeing what they can get away with and what they cant. In this it feels as though they are testing how committed and present we are with them, and whether they can fully trust our love and care for them as parents. The more consistent, clear and strong the boundaries, the more the child feels absolutely held and safe, knowing that the parent is there for them, and that every choice they make have a consequence, this to me is true love.
“I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.”
I whole heartedly agree Rosie, when we set clear and consistent boundaries for children (our own and all children we come in contact with), they feel safe and held and know what’s OK and what’s not, for a child to not have clear boundaries can be a frightening as they don’t feel held in love and can have the sense that nobody is really there for them, in a solid consistent way.
By allowing ourselves to make mistakes in parenting and having what I call the “Opps factor”, instead of berating ourselves for what we have done we can allow and see theses so called mistakes to be a constant learning and expansion of our awareness, which opens us up to different possibilities and choices in the way we parent. The harshly judging ourselves and seeking perfection we narrow down our awareness and the constant learning that is there for us.
“We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.”
This is a very powerful and true statement Rosie, children notice and are aware of everything we say and do, and if we tell them to do one thing and then we do another, we are teaching them double standards, that have no integrity.
This is such a rich blog, so much Wisdom is shared. I am also learning that it’s not only the child’s right to express their needs, but it is in fact my own responsibility and right to express what I feel. This has changed so so much, for the better. She’s learning that she’s part of a system where everybody counts and that through open communication we’ll find at any given moment answers to whatever arises. Being it when to eat, when to rest, what is going on inside, expressing our appreciation, etc. And she’s loving the natural borders that come with that. Because she’s really being met, not only pleased. The relationship grows and grows and grows. Which is absolutely amazing and a enormous Joy to experience. Building a True relationship between her and myself has been a life changing experience for both of us and continues to be so.
Amazing Rosie, a lot to appreciate. I do not have kids and the one thing I know is to be myself. More often than not this is a lot of Joy and playfulness when I am with children. If I’m not feeling so great I know for me it is to be plainly honest about it and not impose any of this to children that may be around.
This is a great blog on parenting. There is no hint of telling another what to do, just sharing your experience which makes it real and relateable to. It is a very unique journey, both for the parent and the child… and the only constant in any and all of them should be the love we express in that relationship.
Gorgeous Rosie – ‘ We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another. I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.’
This is beautiful to read, and can feel the truth of parenting throug all that you write, there is much more to it, and it is a beautiful role. To support a child in learning what life is and how it all works. Being the guardian of this soul that has an incredible knowing, but just needs to learn how to be on this earth.
We all have a responsibility for children, and what we present to them. They are far far more perceptive than most people realise, and even if we do not have children of our own we can still parent them by treating them with the respect and honour they deserve as people who are learning their way in the world.
Amazing Rosie, what a gorgeous blog, an amazing rich piece that includes truths, revelations, tips and absolute joy of whay parenting is. And it is not limited! Its beyond joy to read this, not yet having children in my own life, it is amazing to feel from this piece and the teachings of Serge Benhayon that we all parent everyday. Knowingly or not. And we all can parent children, being it our own or not.
‘How much we share and let others support us really is up to us.’ Learning this is a huge blessing – one I am still working on fully accepting. I am not a parent and yet the ‘I can do it by myself’ attitude to life is one I recognise all too well – being under the illusion that to ask for help is failing. Not sure at what and who is judging this – apart from myself. As I have become more tender with myself, I have asked for and accepted support when it is needed, and no longer feel a failure for doing so, but more so, letting the love that is there for me in.
A beautiful sharing, thank you Rosie. I would love you to be my mother next time around. I can feel so much wisdom in all that you have learned about being a parent, I feel so much confidence in your ability in being such a loving, caring parent. And yet, it is quite simple all you are describing here, by connecting to yourself, you know just what needs to be done, said etc. at any moment. You have let go any ideals or beliefs you previously held. And I have seen the wonderful result in the beautiful daughter you are raising, with her assistance of course.
Thanks Rosie for sharing so honestly about parenting – one of the things that I got from reading your blog today that parenting is a great school for both parents and children. There are a myriad of learnings available for you daily through the reflection of your daughter. And I love the idea of an extended family and it not just being about the blood family.
I always felt that one of the most important aspects of parenting is how we parent ourselves, how we treat ourselves, how honest we are with ourselves, the relationship, connection and acceptances we have with our true selves – and from there everything else flows.
Children are much more in touch with their feelings, can sense what is the truth of a situation and therefore are really great at reflecting and responding to what is truly going on with us, and where we are coming from versus all the correct words we might use that are not backed up by our true state of being or living.
Ideals and beliefs are so constricting and I have come to understand what a trap they are. This trap is set from the get go and parenting is a huge one to fall into as there are a myriad of beliefs and ideas to hijack what you have so beautifully expressed Rosie. Your child is amazing already, it is how you live that will reflect that to her. No ideal or belief could bestow such a gift!
‘We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.’ Love how you sum up parenting Rosie, as a single parent for most of my daughter’s life I often felt a bit of a martyr and that my life was hard because of lack of support. Over the years I have come to recognise that I created the situation where I felt so unsupported and the more I opened up the more support was available to both of us. I have learnt so much from my daughter and continue to do so and she soon points out if I am not being congruent in what I choose to do and say! I weighed myself down with so many beliefs about what makes a good parent and constantly felt I couldn’t live up to my self-imposed pictures of what I ‘should’ be doing. Letting go of these has been so freeing and the truer I am to myself the better the communication between us.
This is a wonderful example of taking responsibility Rosie and I can feel how the more ‘growing up’ we do as adults the truer reflection we are to our children!
Very true Bernadette, I think that at times the children are way more grown up than some of the adults.
“I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.” This is huge…we so often think that we will be judged by the outcome of our parenting through our children’s choices…we don’t let go of our investment in this and make room for children to make their own choices. It may be possible that we block children to really feel their choices as a result?
Exactly, if we keep the children in cotton wool, and choose for them, to avoid them getting it wrong…. we are just setting them up for disaster as they wont know how to decide or how to cope when and if they make a choice and get the consequence for it and things don’t go to plan.
We delay their learning when we get ourselves in the way. We cripple them by trying to do it for them or by trying to save them. There is no love in saving or carrying someone who can clearly walk on their own two feet.
Parenting is something that you learn ‘on the job’ and we can all look back and reflect on things we would do differently if we were to start again, but like you Rosie, I came “..to realise that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choice.” They are their own person and should be able to make their own choices without the needs of the parent being imposed on them.
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.” Very true, it does not serve anybody to beat ourselves up about what we have done but everybody benefits when we allow ourselves to learn from the mistakes we make.
To learn to be free of ideals and perfect pictures is an adventure worth taking on. Heaven’s unfolding.
What a HUGE inspiration this blog, I absolutely love it. Parenting is such a sensitive subject and the way you have written this, is an absolute gem. I see many people struggling with parenting and it feels that if we let go of the role as parent and just start to be ourselves, we give children the biggest present in the world. And ourselves as well…
We are the facilitators of our kids not the owners and parenting is about responsibility and not identification. Great testimony of true parenting Rosie!!
This article is jam packed with wonderful insights. One very profound one for me is the concept of family. The fact that we can shrink our view to just consider the immediate blood related people, or we can expand it to all the wonderful people around us that we have love, connection and inspiration with. And as we open up to embracing more people, the size of our family will keep growing, how gorgeous is that? This appreciation and understanding, as well as the richness and depth of connection it brings, in is a awesome gift to any child or adult.
Parenting got a whole new dimension now that I am menopausal. I am no longer mothering my children and taking care of them, there is more sharing of the wisdom I have inside and standing next to them if they need support. Not doing things for them, but supporting them doing their things.
We are all one big family, especially if we connect to the essence of the other. We are all the same and deep down we just want to share our lives and live lovingly. So freeing to let go of the whole concept that family is only blood related people. I remember as a child no grand parents, aunts, uncles and cousins visiting our birthdays and it felt not true, like something was not right. There are many children we can mother without having giving birth to them.
Interesting question and conversation: are we responsible for the choices of our children? What is our responsibility as a parent? The first and foremost responsibility we have is to love our children for who they are instead of loving them for what they achieve. And yes every choice we make reflects on our children (as on all other people).
I absolutely agree, Rosie, parenting is a topic that is loaded with ideals and beliefs. In fact, so many, we can’t fathom it and they keep coming up. Always there is a new way how you should parent instead of allowing and encouraging a parent to listen to their inner heart and wisdom, and parent from there.
You’ve turned the victim notion of a single mum parenting on its head Rosie — everything about what you share here ad what you clearly live is the celebration of being a parent and a knowing that you are so worthy of support from everyone around you — and true family, beyond blood ties is the amazing result. If we keep ourselves in silos, separated caught up in the idea that i have to go it alone we miss out on the glory of what we can have — amazing community all around us.
Rosie, you ought to write a book on parenting. As I read this I thought wow — how much I would love to be raised the way you are rising your daughter with a whole community of parents, and family that she feels immensely loved by. Truly inspiring.
Thanks Katerina, not quite sure about a book… but you never know… I am only just beginning the parenting of teenage years so there is more to come I am sure.
Rosie I loved reading about what you’ve learned through your experience of being a parent – by sharing so openly and without judgement, you offer others the opportunity to reflect on their own experiences as parents without the harshness of being right or wrong.
Thanks Hannah, I felt that as I have had the first hand experience of getting it wrong, from my beliefs and my high standards that I imposed upon myself… that I am sure many others would have a similar experience and yet may not be bold enough to expose it all and share it for all to learn from. I have no shame, I am just learning as I go and picking up the pieces if I get it wrong and asking for support, talking and learning. No perfection here that is for sure!
It is absolutely awesome to see a parent that is willing to take full responsibility for the way they parent. I can see how this approach then supports children to take responsibility for their own choices. Bravo Rosie.
It’s amazing how we can hold back from asking for support for fear of looking like a failure. Asking for support requires an openness and offers both parties the opportunity to develop a deeper connection and understanding.
And it is not just parents that hold back from asking for support, I think this applies to everyone.
Thank you for sharing this Rosie, your article should be on the wall in every home, a reminder constantly that ‘We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.’
Not every home has children, but many homes have partners, husbands, wives, housemates, guests. And we may not be parents, but each person can live their truth and so be an example for all.
I really like the point you make that there is this idea that only those who have this pretty picture can write about parenting- it is so not true- every parent has stories and lived experiences to share that we can all learn from.
A child is never raised by their blood family…
If the child goes to a friend’s home, events or visits family friends there is more parental roles than just mum and dad.
Everyone in society holds the responsibility to role model to our younger generations.
Yes, it is an interesting fact that children pick up the accent of their peers and not the accent of their parents.
Great blog Rosie. Amazing insights on what parenting is all the ideals and beliefs that surround parenting. I have not been a parent but I love learning from children and parents about their kids and what they learn from their kids. Really we are all here to reflect to each other, learn about ourselves and each other. Regardless of our role in a family.
Parenting is such a fraught subject – one where it is almost taboo to discuss because you can’t be seen to be telling someone how to raise their children. But what if by discussing it, being open and honest about the struggles and issues and difficulties, we allow people to no longer need to be worn down and give up because of the stuggles they feel they face alone with kids. I look after a little girl who is nearly 2 and I have known her and been a part of her life since she was born. Even though me and my mum are not blood related to her and her family, we consider each other to be family, because it is our love, connection and support that creates the bond of family, not name or genetics. I have gotten an inside glimpse of life raising a child, and how hard it can be, especially when the ideals and beliefs and needs get in the way. Her parents often marvel at my ability to get her to behave, eat her dinner, not throw tantrums, got to sleep etc but it is because I have no investment or attachments to her – I love her whole heartedly and see her has a small person rather than child.
So true, thats why I found it quite interesting just writing on the subject of parenting. You really don’t want to tell someone how to parent or that what they are doing is wrong, as it has to be different, as each child is different. There is no one picture fits all.
The way we choose to live our lives is a powerful influence on our children and if this life is about love and loving responsibility then the foundation is there for our children to grow from. Children hold amazing wisdom naturally in their body and are very honest when asked to read whatever is going on. I loved your broad definition of family and find the openness this brings to be so supportive and what brotherhood is truly all about. Thanks Rosie.
I wonder how much of the single parent ‘victim energy’ and belief that it is so much harder actually comes down to our unwillingness to ask for support. I am pretty sure I fell for this when my child was young, tending to ‘soldier on’ or wanting to prove I could do it all myself, rather than ask for support. Somehow I believed this was the way it had to be, but your story clearly shows it is a way of our own choosing
Being a victim gives us something to be identified by. Staying in the struggle is a choice and gives you even more to be identified by. Asking for support may be seen as weak. (And I never wanted to be seen as weak!)
And what about that strong old belief that this is just how it is. That giving up feeling because you can’t see beyond the next week or to the fact that you even have a choice.
We need to understand that our children are not ours, more that we are custodians of their path to adulthood and we are here to guide and support and to help bring out their full potential and nor are they here to fill our emotional needs. And it’s true that there is as much to learn from the wisdom of children as we can impart to them.
I have found parenting is a very humbling experience as you realise very quickly that you can’t be perfect. Our kids reflect to us any false ideals we need to let go of and areas of our relationships where we need to be more loving and consistent. Although they may not say so, they are so onto us. They know when we are being hypocritical or where we have needs that leave gaping holes for exploitation. Like all close relationships this can be challenging but it is so worth it.
They sure can see right through any games, manipulation or half truths that we are presenting. Our children watch us all the time and they are often more honest about us than we would like them to be. No where to hide when you have an open and transparent child in the room!
I could have definitely benefited from your parenting wisdom when I was a “struggling” single parent Rosie. It sounds like you have had your challenges and a few hiccups along the way, but in spite of them your wisdom and understanding has grown as has your relationship with your daughter, which is so wonderful to read.
It is crazy that we can feel isolated (especially as single parents) just because we believe that family is just blood relations. It is so important for our kids to have a wide exposure to adults and kids they can call their family. There are so many different strengths we all have and no one parent is supposed to be able to offer it all. Surrounding our kids with community they can call family feels like a return to a more natural way that we in western society have moved away from.
Parenting is one of those areas in life where we try to act like we know what we are doing but often do not. We tend to fall back on what we know from the way we were parented or in contrast parent in reaction to how we were raised. Either way we are not parenting from our naturalness and the solidness of our essence. I agree Rosie that parenting is full of ideals and beliefs which can look good and appear to tick boxes but end up with kids that fit the mould or react against it. What we need in society is kids who are brought up to be and know themselves.
Love how you have shared that its important to set boundaries so kids no what is okay and what isn’t, this is so important. Letting people be a ‘are spirit’ ultimately doesn’t work, people end up having no self foundations. As you have shared this ultimately comes from wanting to be liked by your child. Truth is truth and it has nothing to do with being liked, this is a great learning for myself.
A great blog about parenting Rosie. Parenting is a huge deal, so massive thanks to all parents out there. I love how you have mentioned that there are so many ways of parenting and they aren’t necessarily restricted to the traditional ideals about parenting for instance, you are responsible for being a reflection to other peoples children and not just your own. This brings the responsibility of a parent to a whole new level!
“I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it. I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of.” Asking for support is a ginormous step for many parents who as you say are wrapped up in these ideals that we need to do it alone, when the connection and reflections brought about by asking others can be a real blessing.
When reading this it feels like everyone can relate to this. I myself am not a parent but it made some much sense to the other areas of my life and in other relationships. For me being a parent is not about having a child, it’s a part of us, the bigger part, the more open and spacious part of us that is understanding and open to being more than what is currently being lived, it’s the part of us that is willing to take a step back and look at the larger picture before us in life. This is how I have approached parenting myself and what I have felt and experienced from those around me. It’s not about age as true parenting is ageless and can come from anyone. Thank you Rosie.
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.” Sharing my mistakes and pitfalls with my children is a healing for us all, for it cuts with many of the parental ideals, empowers everyone and makes life a constant and equal unfoldment of learning and practice.
How gorgeous that your daughter’s family extends beyond the usual members of the blood family. It is so supportive to both her and you that this love is shared between all of you.
Rosie in a few weeks time myself and my wife Hannah will have our first child, reading your blog is very supportive. We have been fortunate enough to have some great support and guidance to listen to known-one and feel what is true for us. There is no doubt that many images of parenting come up, many ideals on how to be. One key thing you mentioned is not needing your child to be anything for you. If that one is lived I can see true and responsible parenting can natural occur. I love how you present parenting in the expansiveness it is, as well as touching on the fact we are never alone and everyone in our lives and a Childs life is a reflection to them.
There are beautiful gems throughout this blog Rosie. The power of love in action – living in a way that is inspiring another through reflection and accepting that their choices are important and empowering for them to learn from (adults and children alike).
“I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices”.
Rosie, I love this blog with the deep wisdom, love and joy you share in every word of your story. Your daughter is blessed with your unfolding into true parenthood.
This is beautifully confirming of the fact ‘it’s not about what we do, but who we truly are’ that makes the difference in our lives and the lives of others.
Yes she is indeed blessed with the love that Rosie has given her- there is no perfection, there is only learning..
Thank you for your article Rosie, I could see as a child how my parents were going into comparison with other children or getting influenced by teachers and the whole academic system. This would also bring a lot of tension at home rather than being supportive. There was a lot of sadness in me as a child always thinking that I was not good enough in the eye of my parents and this would also bring a feeling of giving up in life!
yes tension in the home is unhelpful to say the least.
Being love to those around us, especially to those closest to us is an amazing achievement.
Rosie this one “It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way” is huge for me too. I still get myself tied up in knots, even on a subconscious level, by wanting my kids to choose certain things knowing they are much better for them. But truly who am I to know what is better for them. We are each on our own path of return and so each have our own lessons to learn….for ourselves!
A beautiful sharing, Rosie. I love your honesty with regards to the various beliefs and ideals we can put on ourselves as a parent. What I can feel in your writing is the freedom to just be yourself, and to allow you daughter to be herself in every way as well, with love as the consistent foundation of your relationship.
I love this blog Rosie, it touches on so many ideals and believes around parenting and it is absolutely amazing how you are allowing yourself to learn instead of having to be perfect. Isn’t that what life is – learning what is true to do in life and what not?
Yes it is a gorgeous blog that exposes much and also confirms our deep wisdom.
Rosie, I loved reading this article, as a parent to a young child i found what you have shared really supportive, until recently I did not ask for help from other people, not wanting to be a burden and thinking that I should be able to cope by myself, what has been really lovely is that when I have asked people for help with my son it has been a really enjoyable experience for everyone – they have enjoyed spending time with him and he with them, it has felt like true family even though they are not blood related and it feels very natural to support each other in this way.
It is natural for us to support each other and to live in community but we have made it unnatural, certainly in many countries. We isolate ourselves in our family units, as couples as well as in our small set groups and yes we might well socialise with others but this isn’t the same as living in community. Living in community is actually that ‘LIVING in community’, sharing our lives with others, not just our Saturday nights and birthdays.
Your last sentence Rosie changes the concept of parenting. “We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.” Children can feel when something is true or not and if either or both parents don’t live what they say this can set up conflicts that can have a lasting affect on the child or children. Parenting is not easy because most have not been parented from a place of true love, and it can be easy to bring in old beliefs and ideals that our parents had even if we try hard not to. Children have an amazing amount of wisdom and it is this we can nurture as parents, learning from them equally as they can learn from us.
Hi Rosie, it sounds like you have become a great mum, not only to your daughter but to all the children in your life. I always say that I take my hat off to single parents, even with the support of others. I know how hard it can be at times, even with both parents, when the battles occur that inevitably arise.
Thank you Kevin, it is important that we appreciate ourselves and each other. It felt lovely to read your comment. Why is it so often we focus on the not so good, rather than appreciate what we bring, and focus on that rather than judge and self bash. In doing this, we also support our children to not be so hard on themselves in a world that can be very demanding and challenging if you get caught up in the pictures of good and bad.
What an awesomely honesty and refreshing blog on parenting Rosie. My children are grown up now but it would have been so lovely and supportive to read your words when I too was struggling with being a parent. You express so eloquently so many pearls of wisdom that are worthy of a book, which I am sure would be a best seller as your words speak volumes of truth and would be a support to many, whether a single parent or not.
This blog reminded me of the power of humility and that we are all equal and here to live and learn together.
“I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.” It is such a challenging event becoming a parent. The only guide we truly have to fall back on is the way we were raised and our relationship to our own family, which can be both positive and negative. However, learning to create a solid steadiness within ourselves as we learn to accept and express who we are naturally forms most definitely a core part of parenting. As children life can be fairly daunting and if the adults we look to for care, support and guidance are steady, confident and honest, the child has a strong sense of where the shoreline is if we get into deep water. Although not a direct parent myself, I can really feel that by learning to just be myself and develop my self respect, care and nurturing, I have become very steady, open and dependable. I find it easy these days to support other people’s kids in the same way I support myself, with care, tenderness, appreciation and very healthy, supportive boundaries. Thank you Rosie, we give ourselves such a hard time for ‘not doing it right’, it is very uplifting to see how you have dealt with so many of the ideals and beliefs around parenting and found out who you are in the middle of it. What greater gift can we offer a child than the strong reflection that they are enough just being themselves and worth taking immense care of?
Wow Rosie, there is so much in your blog about this very important topic in our lives as we all know everyone has their own ideals and beliefs around parenting. There are countless books written about parenting but not one I’ve read has given me an answer. A lot of parents, parent from a reaction of their own childhood and I cannot say I escaped this one when my children were young. Now I know children are so much more than we think and we are here to guide them and it is crucial to not impose on them for whatever reason we may think we have the right to. I have made mistakes along the way and it is worth repeating your words as guilt is a big one in parenting; ‘I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters. We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.’
Being a parent is a constant learning. I soon realised that my children were teaching me how to be a parent while I was teaching them to be children and part of a family and community. The most important ingredient is love and consistency so that when you set boundaries the child knows this comes from love as they learn to be responsible for their own choices as part of the family and wider community.
We are all always teaching and inspiring each other, no matter who we are, our age, race or anything. Without each others reflection, we go no where.
‘I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not’. I found this approach also applies in my work with older people. As is having a true sense of self, otherwise it is easy to become overwhelmed by trying to be all things and not mastering any one,
Trying to be all things, to be there for everyone and not yourself is a disaster in the making! When we first care for ourselves, we can then care for others, but we also inspire others to also care for themselves first rather than seek and rely on others to fill them up.
Rosie a beautiful blog that will inspire others, not only parents. I love the inclusive family you describe, and your new awareness in recognising we are never alone. Ideals and beliefs hole us up in corners, when we could open up to the support that is out there for us. As a woman without a child of my own, over the years I have formed many close relationships with children of friends, family, colleagues, and neighbours. Embracing the truth that we are part of one universal family extends our responsibility not just to our own child, but all children.
And for people like me, the single parent, it is so beautiful to have people like you, who don’t have children around to support and be another light in the child’s life. Yesterday my daughter missed the bus, and I was already at work, so it only took a phone call and someone was there to support.
Learning the difference between guiding and it not being control as a parent I have found at times very challenging. Accepting, ” I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is”, I have found to be such a supportive path through this dilemma.
Thanks Rosie, there is so much here well worth sharing with other parents and also for others who work with children or have contact with children at some point which is most people. I acknowledge today that I did a great job of being parent and, at times, not so great. I hold no guilt around that now but put more importance on appreciating the amazing and beautiful people they still are today. I also appreciate now, since sharing memories of the past years with them, how much my children actually understood so much of what was going on around them – in fact more than I did. They held a wisdom I didn’t realise they held. Allowing our children to grow up with a strong sense of who they are themselves, without the measures, ideals, images we as parents/adults have and then enforce on them, will support them to grow into loving and responsible people of future generations.
Children hold wisdom just as adults do and are often more aware of everything that is going on around them, and can see through the many games and manipulations that adults have learnt to play. They may not let you know, but they know. It doesn’t matter what their age is, they feel and they know. Not from knowledge but from an inner knowing that they can connect to and haven’t learnt to doubt yet as many adults have. I love this clarity that children have. They can sense a rat, they can sense when something is not right and if we are to stop and learn and listen, we can learn so much from them, but to do this, at times we need to let go of any knowledge and pictures that we have taken on and be open to what they have to share.
I love what you have shared here Rosie, and I second all of it.
” The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking. We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings’. Just wonderful to read Rosie, just highlighting and expanding the perspective on ‘ family’, as I have also discovered this, family does not have to be only blood related and so my family has also expanded significantly.
I was a single parent too and I feel that is it really common to think that asking for support means that we are failures, which is so false. Asking for support allows others to know how they can truly support us, and most love to do so.
Inspiring Rosie. The thought of parenting for me raises so many notions I have of raising a child and what that looks like. These are images we are sold and I have seen many examples of parents who raise their child with love and shown it’s not about the “rules” but rather the quality of relationship that is shared that matters most. What that looks like is all based on what is needed at that time
Beautiful blog Rosie, on what parenting in truth is and you addressed many aspects that are related to parenting, such as the illusion that we as parents are the only contributor to, and responsible for, the up-grow of our children. But the truth is that there are many persons involved, be it our blood family or our extended family, teachers at school to name a few. All people that are in touch with a child are involved in their parenting but that is something that is not fully understood by most people yet. As you say, we all have something unique to reflect to a child, and we do not know beforehand what this unique experience will bring to the child that we are with, but we must be open to the magic of the constellation that brought us together and brings the lessons that are needed to be learned for both the ‘parent’ and the child.
I can relate as a single parent of 20 years to the many comparisons and ways to champion single parenting as a status or diminish single parenting as hard, difficult and isolating.
I have come to understand that a child is no better off, nor less off by having a sole parent and that the key to raising children is for us to know ourselves, live our true rhythm and offer to another a true living role model of Love and energetic responsibility – raising a child to their own potential and confirming their true quality.
This is so true and absolute gold Deborah. ‘The key to raising children is for us to know ourselves, live our true rhythm and offer to another a true living role model of Love and energetic responsibility – raising a child to their own potential and confirming their true quality’
How often as parents, we can blame ourselves, sacrifice ourselves and see our children as a reflection of our worth, a project, an adornment and an excuse to not live our own lives in full. As you have shared – if there is no true quality of us in the parenting then we are merely carrying out our particular flavour of a parenting picture – a role without substance, true connection or truth…Is it any wonder our parenting can become haphazard and skewed at best?
How we parent ourselves will have bearing on how we parent another.
I love this line Deborah and it is very true. We can only ever offer true support through our own reflection of how we live which makes the old saying “do as I say and not as I do” absolutely redundant.
Yes because we are a role model all the time and our actions are more powerful than our words.
It is wise for us to consider that we do not own another nor are we responsible for their choices. Our responsibility is to truth and to live a loving example for others to follow.
Yes, our responsibility is to make choices available but to let the other make their choices and consequences. Great point, Deborah.
I agree 100% Deborah, for we cannot control another, we only need to be 100% responsible for our own choices, movements and expressions.
When you consider that we can’t, in truth, control another then it really makes it very apparent just how ridiculous it is to spend so much time trying to do something that’s simply not possible. Oh and the amount of emotion, pain and suffering that goes hand in hand with our national pass time of controlling others is unimaginable.
Rosie, you are blowing ideals and beliefs out the window, awesome to read this. It is wonderful when we open up to family being more than just blood. Family is a feeling of togetherness, that we have each others back regardless of what happens in life. That we are there to support and help each other evolve, this is true family to me. This extends so much further than blood and opens us to true brotherhood when it is embraced.
Rosie, you have expressed so much about the highs and lows of parenting, but as you rightly express, that making mistakes allows us to learn more about ourselves and then be able to share that wisdom. I see that honouring ourselves is an important aspect of parenting too as the more we honour and appreciate the job we are doing the more that is shared too with our wider family – humanity.
Since writing this blog, I have also become aware of the relationship that I have with my parents, and that it in itself is a reflection for my daughter. So if I continue to be short and snappy with my parents, as I do at times, and have done so forever without ever considering it or how that feels or effects them, then that is what my daughter see’s as the normal, and accepted behaviour. So if I want anything to change, I need to make the changes in all relationships not just the one between mother and daughter.
Interesting, isn’t it, how we don’t see our parents in the truth of their situation – I hated my parents for sending us to boarding school in the UK while they remained in the Middle East (I was 6 years old when I first went). It never occurred to me until recently how it must have been for them to be without their three young daughters for 46 months of the year (we only saw them in the Summer holidays, it was too far to travel and we stayed with relatives or on a farm at Christmas and Easter)
The reason they sent us to boarding school was because of a belief that education was more important but as a result we were not close as a family, and we remained separate and distant to the end. Both my parents and one sister are dead and it is only now, aged 65, and thanks to the teachings of Universal Medicine, that am I learning to be truly intimate with others and to be more open and honest in my expression in the world.
As I was reading your comment Carmel, I felt that your parents were just doing what they felt was best at the time, and that was most likely based on ideals and beliefs and it probably broke their hearts having to send you away.