Growing up Liberal and Sexually Free
I grew up in Holland, a country well-praised for its liberalism, freedom of speech and lifestyle. I grew up thinking that in our liberal society/culture there were few of the major problems that are so prominent in the rest of the world. I did not think there were any racial problems, homophobia or sexism in my direct community. Where I lived, people were openly gay in schools and I personally did not even notice if your skin colour was different. I thought it was great that we allowed ‘soft’ drug use and believed our country was a role model for a ‘live and let live’ attitude.
I grew into a teenager thinking I was very liberal, that there wasn’t a problem with sexism and I did not even know the word misogyny. I thought I was sexually free and did not have an issue with nakedness. I would go to saunas and believed it was normal to be nude around other people in this setting and the only discomfort I felt was because I had issues with my body. Of course there was the odd pervert around, but I only thought of it as annoying.
Sexism and Misogyny… Not such a Big Deal?
But was this real?
In recent years I have been reading a lot about sexism and misogyny.
My first response to it was that doesn’t happen where I live…
When I started to see that sexism and misogyny actually was happening much more than I thought, my second response was, “Geez people, why make such a big deal about the little things? It’s cool to have a bit of fun, it is not meant in a bad way.” etc. etc.
I thought the ‘feminist reactions’ were exaggerated and unnecessary.
But I was so wrong!
Only slowly did it dawn on me how wrong I was, after I was stopped by a simple question. I was asked to look at my own experiences as a woman and to see how many times I personally had come across sexism.
I was shocked at what I found. Just looking at my teenage years, I came to a full-page list of assaults ranging from remarks about my breasts or bum to downright groping and grabbing – most of them in the latter category. And this list was just the type of incidents, not how many times they occurred.
I had even twice narrowly escaped very serious assault attempts; once by a group of boys and once by a man chasing me in the streets at night.
I began to see instantly that things like misogyny and sexism
were a big deal…
The Shocking Normalisation of Sexism and Sexual Behaviour
After realising this, I felt to ask around my female friends and every single one of them had had similar experiences.
This shook me to my core: in my ‘liberal’ society there was not a single woman who had not experienced some form of sexism or inappropriate sexual behaviour, from the so-called ‘mildest’ of misogynistic comments to instances of outright physical and sexual abuse.
The truth of what was and is really going on was starting to form in front of my eyes and I realised that I had grown up believing that sexism was normal.
The reason I thought we did not have deeply embedded problems in our society was because I was looking at the extremes and had learned to dismiss the less extreme incidents.
I had been taught by society that this was normal behaviour from men, and we as women should take it as a compliment and not be fussy about it; that this was the game between men and women and I was expected to play it and like it.
In fact I had learned to ‘numb out’ how I truly felt about this, and adjusted to being a way that I thought I needed to be – to be socially accepted.
I now realise how deeply ingrained these totally harming sexual dynamics between men and women are, in even the most ‘liberal’ societies in this world. Through magazines, videos, songs, books, movies and all media we are being bombarded with images and stories ingraining and supporting the ideals and beliefs we hold as women and men – that tell us that sexism is ‘natural’ and acceptable behaviour.
The simple truth is that even though in most modern/liberal societies men are more and more willing to say women are equal, underneath that there is still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.
There is so much more to look at than is generally thought about.
Yes, it is great progress that we now have many men in our society who are thinking it is natural for them to take a more active role within the household, taking care of the kids or cooking a meal. But this is not the end of sexism. The same man who is washing the dishes at home could be in a bar with his friends, mouthing off about the ‘big tits’ on ‘that’ women on the other side of the room.
Addressing Sexism in a Liberal Society and the Natural Way to be
In the past couple of years I have come to feel the impact of living with the beliefs and ideals that actually supported sexism.
I had completely shut down my sensitivity, tenderness and delicateness as a woman while thinking I was ‘free’ in my body. I had bought into the ideals and beliefs of a so called liberal society so much that I thought addressing sexism was considered extreme or overly feminist.
I see it very clearly now:
Sexism is a very big problem in our society today. It has exploded into a very worrying ‘normalised’ behaviour that is seriously affecting everyone, especially our youth.
Both boys and girls, men and women have gotten caught in this increasingly sexualised game and the extremes are growing more and more obvious, leading to very unnatural behaviour, if you consider how delicate and sensitive we really are. But in a world where sensitivity is not accepted, we have become so hardened in our ‘liberal society’ that it takes really awful things for us to see and feel the extremes which keep spiraling downwards.
We can only truly address these problems if we are willing to see the depth of sexism, and that really there is no level of sexism that could be seen as ‘harmless fun’.
- As women we need to look at what we have allowed or bought into.
- As men we need to look at our behaviours and the beliefs we have taken on about what it means to be a man.
In our so-called liberal societies, or any society in fact, it is time to address sexism and misogyny and what we have deemed as ‘normal’ and realise this is not normal at all. And nor is it natural, as the natural way for men and women to be is immensely tender, sensitive, open and delicate.
As I have seen, there are many men and women who, inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, choose not to normalise so-called ‘liberal’ sexual behaviours, who are living proof of our naturally tender and loving ways… of how different we can be, as men and women, without the impost of the various roles we play and the ingrained male/female behaviours we take on.
By Carolien Braakenburg, Self-employed, 42, Belgium
We are encouraged from a very young age to shut down our sensitivity, tenderness and delicateness we are all born with and replace these natural feelings with ideals and beliefs which are fed to us from the day we are born. There is a consciousness that does not want to be exposed and so works very hard from behind the scenes to keep us all ignorant of what is really going on and anyone who dares to expose the lies we are living are persecuted in much the same way as the inquisitions of old.
There’s no such thing as ‘freedom of speech’, we all get given the words that come out of our mouths by whatever consciousness we have aligned to. The very idea that ‘freedom of speech’ is even possible comes from the pranic consciousness because the fiery consciousness knows that all of our movements (and speech is a movement) get given to us dependant on the quality of the movements that have gone before.
When yesterday’s extremes are today’s normal everyone is less. We can offer a change to make yesterday’s emotional love become today’s true love for all.
Teaching our young that everyone is offered at-least decency and respect would turn the way we treat each other, into a much deeper and meaning-full relationship, so True Love would develop.
Sexism is really a study in how we allow standards to drop, accept them as normal, and make abuse a part of everyday life. In the student body of Universal Medicine men and women relate to each other from the qualities of their true essence, with tenderness, delicateness, preciousness, and sacredness. There is an understanding that we are much greater than human flesh, that we are multidimensional divine beings that come from the body of God, and have a place within the universe.
What a beautiful question: ‘..of how different we can be, as men and women, without the impost of the various roles we play and the ingrained male/female behaviours we take on.’
That is a true question we must ask. When we lay down our pencils of how we need to be and what we need to do, we are left with a paper of space, filled by our choice to either be love (our true selves) or not.
We do all have a responsibility to call out abuse in any area, for if we do not we are actually contributing to this energy.
Being aware of how sexism is ingrained in every detail of our society is what allows us to understand its effects and stop them in our life.
this is well said Amaparo for it is engrained in every culture across this planet. It is not about the extremes, they are just the biggest branches on the tree, we need to go straight down to the roots and see how aced we all are with this quality of energy.
Our lack of love and appreciation for self can play into sexism more than most care to admit.
Being liberal is often championed as being good but looking at this definition ‘open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values’ the thing that stands out for me is that nowhere is feeling what is true mentioned. A lot of potential abuse becomes allowable if people live in fear of being accused of being stuck in the past etc and unless we are willing to take a stand and say that this behaviour is not acceptable we are complicit in it happening.
I absolutely agree Carolien that “there is no level of sexism that could be seen as ‘harmless fun” and it’s quite shocking that we have arrived at a point in our evolution where we have even considered this. I feel the same about the term ‘casual racism’ I read for the first time recently which once again shocked me. As far as I am concerned any form of racism is unacceptable as is any form of sexism. These accepted ‘normals’ are totally damaging our society and we need to take a long honest look at the lesser way of living we now seem to be accepting without very little questioning.
There is no true equality if the body is being abused in the process. Therefore sexism is more like an arrangement than true equalness.
Recently I have become more aware of how I have allowed a level of abuse from men and how in doing so this has been an abuse on them and also it turns to an internal abuse on myself which perpetuates this more. I have stopped seeking men’s approval and holding back so that they feel more comfortable, I am more at ease to walk away from a relationship that is not deeply honouring without being hooked back in by need. It has come from knowing my quality and accepting nothing less.
Great insight to realise that allowing abuse goes both ways MW, there are no winners in these situations and both genders are left less then their true expression.
It is very interesting to watch myself around men and to dissect the little nuances of energy that are swirling around. In the past I have allowed through my own lack of self worth to be abused by men I have now claimed myself back but I am very aware as I have said that there is a potential to defer to their knowing and understanding rather than to hold true to what I know to be my truth.
We so crave intimate and tender relationships with one another, that we have replaced that with being sexual. Intimacy and tenderness can be in the glance of our eyes and has nothing to do with sexual behaviours.
well said Jennifer, having sex is a very pale comparison to being intimate that only offers temporary relief where building true intimacy is deeply fulfilling and can be have in any moment with any person.
I agree absolutely with you Jennifer and likewise there can be not an ounce of intimacy is full sexual intercourse, in fact many of us have had sex so as to avoid having to be intimate with a partner. It can be easier to have intercourse than to look into another’s eyes and to have them look into ours.
” Liberal Society ”
I found it funny reading this for in truth one needs to be liberated from society as it is. For a society without love in expression is not liberal society.
Sexism is so laced in our society – we think we are tackling it when we see the extreme bits. Just because we have ‘equal opportunity employers’ does not negate the simple fact that we misrepresent and settle for less when it comes to what men and women really are. Its kind of inevitable we have lots of issues when we forget our true essence. Thank you Carolien.
So very true Joseph, sexism runs much deeper and wider then we are ready to admit at this point in time. Although it is great that the excesses are surfacing more and more the underlying stream is still flowing strong.
I read an article recently that said that there are more women than men on the front line as it were in the healthcare industry treating and caring for patients during this Covid-19 outbreak than men and they were also the lowest paid. And yet they are currently and in my opinion important people as they are the carers of the sick. This is yet another example of women having extremely important roles in society but being paid a pittance because what they do is not valued in our society.
I would agree Joshua, there are many ways we identify with our gender and often they are nothing like what we are in essence, the absolutely tenderness, love, sensitivity, we all share it equally.
I feel one of the roots of sexism is identifying ourselves with genders instead of seeing and feeling the fact that underneath every single one of us is the same unalterable Essence of Love we all are and come from.
Well said Joshua and it is only when we embrace that we all come from the same divine essence that we will truly address the abuses of sexism that have become so rife in all societies, liberal or not.
Thinking that we are free and liberated because we don’t shy away from nakedness while secretly carrying around hang-ups about our body shape plays right into the hands of misogyny and sexism. It condones abusive behaviour and makes the woman complicit in the act, along the lines of, “I’ll do anything as long as I am not judged as prudish or frigid”.
Well said Gabriele, we have bought into sexism much more than we care to admit. How often do we as women deep down feel we want to tick the boxes of sexism? How much do we cover up our lack of self worth by trying to get acceptance or even just a glance of approval by the way we look and behave?
What a powerful blog – exactly as it is. We are not free from sexism and this sexism is actual abuse. And so, we must pay more attention to why we have allowed such abuse in our lives and why we have normalised sexism to be normal in our world. Where are we truly escaping from standing up for?
The deeply imbedded lack of appreciation for who we are lies sneakily and scathingly below the sexism we have in society. To address this at its core is to again live on earth our true essence.
The teenagers of today are suffering the over sexualisation and overexposure to porn in their interactions. We cannot say this is the fault of the internet as the internet is a reflection of what we are living and our behaviours in society. Our youth is reflecting back just how lost we are and still we do not want to see it.
A comment that needs to be considered with the depth of understanding our true responsibility. This is not to take on the pressures of others, but to live a life of truth and honesty, a life that seeks to halt any behaviors that do not bring the settlednes of being our selves as our way in our world. Our youth need these solid, clear, caring, supportive behaviors to be lived so they have a role model on which to model their lives.
How sex, sexual behaviours, objectification and sexism have spread throughout all levels of society is a great indicator of how low we have dropped our standards. I’m not sure why decency is now called “old fashioned decency”, perhaps it’s time to bring back decency, integrity and respect and reinstall it into society in a big way.
I agree Meg and it shows that contrary to what we may think we have not progressed and evolved over time but instead have lost even basic and natural ways of decency and integrity.
Most people aren’t ready yet to reinstate decency and respect, we need to stoop much lower than we currently have before we independently choose to change our ways. We’re still kidding ourselves that we’re having a good time and as long as we’re able to do that then we won’t feel the inclination to change.
Well said Elizabeth, there is no worse or better when it comes to abuse as it all contributes the same quality of energy. This is not to belittle the gross atrocities that are taking place around the world but to bring to light the graveness of what we have deemed as acceptable or minor.
So much of what is accepted as normal in society can be felt, upon closer examination to be extremely dysfunctional. It is like there is a veneer of society, and a veil over people’s eyes.
I agree Chris, it is as if we have all made a general agreement of what it can and cannot be, we have settled for something way less then we could have – and be- in favour of our everyday comforts.
Very true Chris. And interestingly how much of the time we do know what is true, but the choice is not to see it.
The world as we know it is dysfunctional, even the bits that we deem to be functional because they’re either happy or going along without a hiccup are often dysfunctional because in truth unless something is serving it’s true purpose which is to guide people back to God then it’s fundamentally dysfunctional. And I acknowledge just how ‘out there’ this sounds but none the less it’s true, we’re all here to serve and expand the God that we are, there ain’t nothing else on the agenda.
Is it possible that the so-called liberalism you refer to here is not a thin veneer on an otherwise untenable situation of sexism and misogyny that has been labelled as ‘normal’ – lest we noticed what is really going on and said, no more, I am not playing that game any longer?
I agree Gabriele, it is not that different to those cultures where sexism and misogyny are blatantly present, only here it doesn’t come often in the most extreme expressions and therefore we are lulled into thinking we have it all worked out.
To end sexism and misogyny is to honour in full the power of our vulnerability and our sensitive being coupling our fragile makeup of the human body.
I saw a documentary on sex education for teenagers in the UK the other day and what was shocking to see is what the boys thought was normal, the donation they showed in the class when it came to this topic and the holding back by the girls. At the end of a 2 week educational program on sex the girls learned to speak up and correct the boys in what they until that time thought girls actually liked or should allow. The change came from the girls stepping into their power and speaking up against the until then accepted normalcy.
This sexualism that has been accepted as normal comes from and equal approach both men and woman have been sucked into. Learning to let go what we actually truly know is not loving nor respectful of each other is a process worth pursuing, and sometimes it can take a little while but when we stand there side by side with absolute love and respect it is out of this world, and beyond anything we could ever imagine.
Sometimes I think I have blinkers on when it comes to this as there have been things I haven’t wanted to see. There were certain things that didn’t sit right with me with a colleague but I dismissed them. Then when he started to make a lot of sexual remarks it confirmed what I had been feeling about him but dismissing. At first I didn’t know how to respond as I was a bit shocked of what was being said in the situation and I almost laughed it off with the other women there. The next time I asked that he not speak like that around me. This request was considered up-tight and ridiculed by the other women, I could see that they did not want exposed what they had been allowing and part of.
Gosh, it’s terrifying that we don’t even realise just how lost we are. I too have been surprised by how much I have accepted as normal life. I’ve experienced countless moments of sexism ranging from comments, through to physical assaults. And because none of it has ended ‘badly’, I’ve written it off as crappy experiences, that everyone goes through. It’s very very alarming just how much we allow.
Thank you Elodie for sharing this as I feel most women have experiences like this throughout their lives and have taken it for granted. We need to allow our sensitivity to peak and not override the abuse we feel because when we allow it we are the ones that are continuing it.
Not only do we allow behaviour that’s fundamentally unloving but we encourage and applaud it from both men and women. Casual sex, adventurous sex, dangerous sex, sex with multiple partners either at the same time or consecutively all gets a pat on the back, we see these things as achievements.
It seems incredible that a full-page list of sexist behaviour and sexual abuse could go unrecognised until you are asked to consider these events. This shows me how much our perceptions affect what we allow ourselves to see. As a woman I can also see that we have learnt to accept, tolerate and stay quiet about such things, even to the point where we don’t let ourselves recognise abuse as abuse.
This is a great example of how blinded we can become from cultural norms that we no longer see the decency and respect that is fundamental in us as human beings.
True Carolien, when we dismiss the less extreme incidents we will never get to honesty about what is truly going on. Solutions are on offer but it is not about solutions , it is about going to the root cause and the truth of the way we choose to be with each other.
From what I can see in society all around is it that our standards have slipped, what was not acceptable 10 years ago is now everyday occurrence. We can see this especially in how women are sexualised and degraded in advertisement and media.
Carolien I too grew up with the illusion that I was part of a (relatively) liberal society and like many women, included ‘sexual freedom’ as a part of that so-called liberation. Today I know otherwise – abuse of women is the norm and, like many women, I willingly subjected myself to abuse thinking I was progressive all the while.
In the extremes of behavior and emotions people have exhibited today in their quest for gender equality, in too many ways the shadow of sexism has also been fed.
It is only by exposing all the seemingly minor incidences of sexism and misogyny in our everyday lives that we can start to address the inequalities in our current society. I too have accepted a lot of inappropriate behaviour for fear of making a fuss and can feel how this has contributed to the greater ills that we are now facing with the alarming rise in the use of pornography and the increasing disconnection of so many of our young people.
I agree Carolien that a man can show a willingness to support the running of the home yet can treat women as beneath himself in other areas of his life but whatever situation we find ourselves in we have to look at the relationship we have to self. When we hold back from expressing and calling out any abuse towards women whether we are a woman or man it exposes a lie we are choosing to live with.
Whatever happened to common decency, respect and equality within the sexes, it seems our scale of what we will accept from others has slipped to an all time low and we are willing to disrespect another or ourselves with the choices we are choosing to make, for various reasons. But if we all want the same thing, love, we are going the wrong way about it.
Often what we grow up with in life and think to be normal turns out to be not something we would want in ours on anyone else’s life, when it is put under the lens of respect, decency and love.
Wow this is so interesting Carolien, to expose our tolerances to things like sexism and abuse when they are hidden under an umbrella of liberalism, freedom of speech or a ‘relaxed’ community. It’s so important to call out where we’ve settled for a comfortable standard of communication or consideration for others, which may actually fall well short of true respect!
Well said Susie, there is much for us to have a fresh look at in life as there is much we are taking for granted, have accepted culturally or are ‘just the way it has always been’.
This is an eye opener Carolien! We as women very often have to bear the brunt of this kind of Sexism and the behaviour that goes with it ,most of our lives. It is so great that we are starting to see that we do not need to accept this behaviour at any time in our lives. We know that we are equal to men and that we also deserve respect.
I find it incredible that being liberated has become synonymous with having sexual freedom when if we take a very close look at what exactly is the energy of sex, as opposed to the energy of making love, then what is it exactly that we are celebrating with this new found liberation?
This exposes so well how the corruption of words reflects the arrogance of a consciousness that seeks only to impose its ideas and beliefs onto others for the purpose of self-gain alone. For in-truth liberalism does not constitute freedom from responsibility, but this is clearly what it equates to today. The harm that this ideal propagates is what we have allowed to be accepted in society as ‘normal’, steering us further away from living in connection to our self-worth and honouring who we are as women and as men. Freedom of an individual does not mean we have the right to freely abuse another, disrespect another or dishonour another and as you shared, nor is it our natural way of being together. For we are truly free when we connect through our tenderness, through honouring our preciousness, cherishing the delicate beauty within each other, and being open to share and explore the grandness of love we innately are together. When we stand for this way of being we stand to truly free ourselves.
When I travel by ferry there is a big advertisement screen right in front of the waiting area that shows those perfume advertisements. What I noticed is that they had a high level of soft porn energy in it and it was all about attracting the other sex. We are feeding this energy from every angle. What if perfume was a way to express ourselves and nothing more?
When I see MTV and other music channels I am shocked at how much sexuality there is in these types of videos, to me it is robing our youth of their innocence and provides utterly destructive role models.
Yes there is a visible trend to be seen in music video’s and it is very much out of control. I observed some young girls the other day and they would not have been over 13. It struck me how they were dressed and how they had done their make up as I realised that not that long ago to look like that would have made you look like a hooker. Our societies values and norms have been on the decline for a very long time and the way to change it is to bring in true role models for our children and teenagers. This means we as adults need to take responsibility and change our lives first.
“there is still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.” I totally agree with you Carolien, things might have changed but it is still normal to objectify the woman’s body, jokes about women are freely made and even women laugh about them just because we think it is normal. But what if we had a choice, would we rather live with or without these kinds of misogyny? Like you shared it really takes a while to open our eyes to what is truly going on as well as seeing that we have a choice to accept it or not. By way of what we accept others say to us but also by way of how we are with ourselves as we can be our own worst critics.
It is not just “other” people who are sexist. Within ourselves we have to uncover it and deal with it. For example as a woman I need to look at whether I put down other women because they are women or do I put down men because they are men. The fact of the matter is that if we put ourselves down we will put others down so the change has to occur within ourselves first.
I absolutely agree Elizabeth, the real harm is not even in the excesses but in the more hidden patterns that we carry within ourselves and are not aware of as they will always come with us in each and every expression and add to the whole.
I have just watched a trailer for a movie about girls being kidnapped and forced in to sexual exploitation. The scenes were of girls being horribly degraded, murdered, raped, held captive and abused on so many other levels. I understand that the film makers wanted to show the world a slice of reality, it was after all based on a true story – which is horrific. But I do find it unsettling that at the end of the day this film was made with profit in mind, it was ultimately made for entertainment, it was another chance for the actors to showcase their talents and for producers to increase their clout in the industry. If it was truly to raise awareness, this film would not be using the sexploitation of women as entertainment, everyone would have worked on it for free and given all the profits raised in box office sales to organisations that actually help women out of these situations. I feel that by paying to see this film we are in fact adding to the very problem that this film is talking about – that a woman’s body can be treated as an object that has no soul.
When women accept sexism and misogyny as being the norm we shut down our natural delicateness and preciousness in the belief that this will keep it at bay when in fact all we do is invite it.
beautiful Mary and this is so very true, if we allow ourselves to be full in our expression as women we can break these patterns for once and for all.
Thank you for offering us so much to read on the subtleness of this topic. It is so underplayed and in many cases welcomed as the norm in society. In recent weeks I have noticed this and the reaction of others to down play what is obvious abuse. There is a responsibility for us all to observe and respond with a truth that calls another to a level of respectful accountability. When we choose to ignore or champion this as “‘just the way it is’ -What are we saying yes to for all of humanity?
The more love and tender self care we bring into our own lives, the more so called normal behaviour between men and women once tolerated show itself now up as abuse.
Its true Carolien, deep within all men is the tender and true heart, and in this extraordinarily dysfunctional age it is great to remember this and to feel and develop this connection within ourselves so that we can , just by being, show another way.
The more tolerances we allow in our life the more we contribute to what society calls normal when in fact that ‘normal’ is something furthest from the truth and love where we come from; calling out abuse and not allowing tolerances in life where the truth is hidden or diminished is the way forth in our evolution.
This blog is so timely when our country is talking about freedom of speech but not the responsibility that comes with that freedom. We have allowed inside and outside voices with ourselves that means we now how a culture of what is acceptable to say around different people. Even presidents say it is OK to have ‘locker room’ banter – what is with that? It leads to normalising abusive behaviour that can very easily lead to abusive behaviour outside the locker room. There is no turning on and off this behaviour. We all have to make the choice to be and live the change we want to see.
I like how you unravel sexism and misogyny. There are so many things we take as normal in this world but as you realised there are not, they are just things we got used to and/or simply do not know any better because it has always been like this. When we start to allow ourselves to feel how we truly feel about certain things and express it we will find that many feel the same and also just abide to what they have learned.
Sexism in a liberal society comes with a lot of righteousness – you not only have to point out the behaviour but also have to get past the outrage by the other of being suspected of such behaviour as, after all, with his or her attitudes, they couldn’t possibly be engaging in this behaviour.
This divide and sexism has been there for a very long time- it is again going to such extremes that it is coming to the surface like a big pimple- so that it can be seen. It will only be changed when we change this from within.
Sexism used to be felt just from men towards women but in a desperate attempt to re-invent ourselves we women are seemingly happy to be sexist as well.
Since re-reading this blog, I have been observing sexism in my immediate society, and what I have noticed is that sexism can be either coming towards me or is near, but there is always a choice that I have about whether to accept it or not, which comes by way of whether I change my behaviour, stance, the way I move and breath, or not. Therefore, any reaction that I may have to this imposing sexual energy is actually a giving in to it – which feels disempowering. However, if I remain steady and unwavering then not only do I come away unaffected, but the person who was choosing to be this way with me no longer has this energy in their body and so they are free from it too. Thus love has come in to the situation because we are all given the grace of having the space to be who we are, un-imposed upon.
This was very enlightening and thought provoking to read. What struck me the most is how invisible certain behaviours become when we live with a predominant societal belief that clouds our vision. I have had similar experiences where I cannot see something that would be obvious to an outsider, because I have accepted it as the norm and learnt to wear blinkers to the truth. Liberalism is just another belief and is far from a true way for men and women to live and be with each other.
It strikes me the most in the blog when you talk about growing up with sexism and it therefore seeming normal. This part is crucial because as our children grow to form our future societies and local communities, the respect and care they have for themselves and for eachother is paramount to how those societies and communities will be.
This is such an important subject that seems to be so easily brushed under the carpet. It is a problem that won’t just go away and it needs to be addressed to stop it being normalised. It only seems to be getting worse due to the easy access we have to porn with smart phones and the internet. We all have a responsibility to express how far wrong we have gone so that we can all start to live from our true sensitivity and tenderness.
Great conversation to have. The way women are portrayed in the media is a stark contrast to the way men are portrayed. Any look at mainstream advertising and it’s clear how sexualised women in society have become. Those are the images we are faced with and so it can become quite normal to treat women this way as sexual objects. As a woman and as women we have a responsibility to not allow this treatment of ourselves. Tackling the media industry may seem like a big job but it starts with us, in our homes and daily lives. How we move and what we allow has a ripple effect that may be bigger than what we imagine.
There’s a lot going on with preventing child sexual exploitation. Recently I was contemplating how a young girl with a learning disability has been sending photos of herself without clothes to males and not seeing any issue with this. As I saw the daily papers in the local shop today and women wearing bikini’s on the front covers next to captions which read, ‘find them topless on page x’ I thought what a contradictory message we as professionals were giving her compared to what is completely normalised, accepted treatment of women in society. I often hear people say those pictures are ‘harmless fun’ when there is nothing harmless about them.
Growing up in the 60s and 70s there were also mixed messages at that time – what we were told officially and what was really happening. It is the same today, though perhaps more often as there is much more communication happening.
There is a movement of men in today’s society who are immediately offended at the very concept of feminism, or any suggestion that women are not treated equally in society. And that is in part because as men, we have not dared get honest enough with just how entrenched the belief is that men are superior to women, or that the most important aspect of a woman is how she looks.
Liberalism sounds like a band aid for dealing with what is actually going on. Whether we are liberal or not the quality of energy in ourselves and in others indicates whether behaviour is true or not, and it’s remaining open to our sensitivity which allows the truth to be felt.
Spot on Carolien, we have normalised the sexualisation of women to such an extent that women who don’t ‘partake’ are referred to as ‘prudes’ or ‘uptight’. In fact that illustrates the polarisation of those who didn’t feel comfortable to wholesale their bodies to the images our societies were subscribing to. The truth lies completely outside this denigrating game we have at play and requires each of us to do exactly as you have done Carolien… open our eyes to what is really happening and be honest about our own feelings, as a start.
I remember the strong influence at high school of girls being called frigid by some of the boys. It held a subliminal message that we had no right to say no, that there was something wrong with us if we did, and our worth in men’s eyes was based on our bodies. It is so great to be older and see how women and girls do not have to buy into these games and by saying no we set a new benchmark of behaviour. This is the role model parents and teachers need to be setting. We can’t expect our kids to set that standard when the adults around them are making or accepting sexist comments or behaviour.
Yes i have experienced this too. Today it is even worse as it all the subtlety is often gone. When I look at what I see happening in my work as with anti-bullying programs at schools you see often girls are sent message that tells them to perform sexual acts in a way that once would be unfathomable to me. It is imperative that we become aware of what is happening with our teenagers and what they are exposed to. The level of lack of self worth in our young women today is deepening leading them to make choices they otherwise would not make.
It is absolutely shocking how we have normalised Sexism and Sexual Behaviour, sexual energy hooks you in and like a bad drug it leaves you worse of and wanting more. Making love is our true way forward.
‘The same man who is washing the dishes at home could be in a bar with his friends, mouthing off about the ‘big tits’ on ‘that’ woman on the other side of the room.’ This is the illusion of progress/evolution. I see this very behaviour happening in my highly male dominated workplace. The pack mentality is enormous and the abuse – despite subtle is insidious and rife.
I recall also believing that women needed to loosen up, and that things weren’t that bad. But boy was I also very very wrong indeed. I was so hard and so tough, and so determined to make it in a ‘man’s world’, that I was willing to overlook all those ‘little’ things that were slid under the carpet.
Today I am shocked to my core with just how blatant the sexism is even in my workplace and how accepting women are of it. I’ve been practicing not engaging and not reacting but simply offering a reflection that stands firm in expressing that it’s not ok…words are often not even needed.
The meaning and image of ‘normal’ really needs to change. At the moment, normal is being over-weight, is drinking poison (alcohol) to have a good time and relax and normal to be tired everyday and rely on sugar, carbs and caffeine to make it all better. Sexism and assaults like you have explained are all in this ‘normal’ category too. We need to change normal.
Awesome blog Carolien. As I read this I felt very confirmed in my sensitivity. When I was younger I would envy friends that seemed sexually ‘liberated’ but the truth is they were as trapped as I was, possibly shutting down their own sensitivity by playing the game and embracing it. Your words remind me to always honour what I feel.
What’s so great about blogs like this on topics in society show that it is our responsibility to express and live from our whole connection to our bodies that will help instigate change for the better and see a true shift in sexism today. Our choice to accept this continued behaviour is something that we can change from our very present movements and from here real change is possible.
The message in this blog is very clear – misogyny is an ever-present force that is active and alive as it lives through us in society without being seen because it has become so normal, thus we are numb to the subtle effects of it and are only shocked when the consequences of it are so extreme that they challenge the comfortable status quo we have all become used to.
It is shocking to see the level of abuse we allow and even accept when we are not connected to the truth of the quality we deserve to hold ourselves in.
there is so much we do that we know is not truly good for us – whether it be porn for some or a movie marathon for others – all the many thousands of things that we may get hooked into but we know there is an emptiness behind it and we feel diminished as a result – but until we connect back to the truth of who we are and hold that connection, those outer callings will continue to draw us back to fill the void.
I completely agree with what you say and I also experienced a lot of abuse when I was younger that I considered to be normal, even flattering and didn’t call abuse. This accepting as normal and acceptable what is actually very harmful is rife across our society. It works the same with health in that we now define health as being less sick rather than any markers of true health, well-being and vitality.
“I had bought into the ideals and beliefs of a so called liberal society so much that I thought addressing sexism was considered extreme or overly feminist.”
Feminism is an extreme reaction to sexism and is set up to deter the less fanatical person from seeing how damaging sexism is. I would go so far as to say that sexism and feminism are run by the same energy, just at opposite ends of the spectrum for they both breed separatism rather than seek to unify the already warring and divided sexes.
Until mankind Knows its one true heart there will be symptoms of dysfunction manifesting more and more but such dis-connection is surely unsustainable
Can it be that what we see as ‘liberal’ or ‘freeing’ is actually abusive? And that it has become so ‘normalised’ that we don’t even realise it is happening? ‘I was shocked at what I found. Just looking at my teenage years, I came to a full-page list of assaults ranging from remarks about my breasts or bum to downright groping and grabbing – most of them in the latter category. And this list was just the type of incidents, not how many times they occurred.’ We have a lot of work to do with regards to this, not accepting one iota of abuse anywhere within the world.
maybe we sometimes allow sexism and misogyny to flourish because it is convenient and comfortable for us to not step up and speak up against the ‘minor’ incidents and dynamics, not wanting to realise that this is what gives permission for the more gross and devastating energies to play out, harming everyone.
Great to come back to this article today, especially as sexism in our society is becoming more rife and especially so in schools and with people of a younger and younger age. We need to stand up to this and not let it become more and more normal. We need to let young girls know how beautiful and tender they are and the power and strength there is in this. If they see it in us, the older generation , it will be much easier for them to accept that it is also in them.
After reading this article the word that came to me is Respect, this is something we all have to start showing each other
Teenage girls and young women are riddled with insecurities from following the trend of the highly competitive consciousness women hold that to be worthy it is important to being seen as sexy or beautiful to attract a man. Sadly, this has led to a deep disrespect of women and their natural inner stillness, beauty, delicateness and fragility and encouraged a very ugly and sometime extremely dangerous sexism throughout society.
“I had completely shut down my sensitivity, tenderness and delicateness as a woman while thinking I was ‘free’ in my body”.
The roles that we play both women and men are a true killer of the intimacy that could otherwise be there. If we start being more intimate with ourselves then we will see others in a different light because we are holding ourselves in that same light and we will also see that we are in fact equal in essence but differing only outwardly.
It’s like with many things we do in society, we make it the normal as to not have to see the evil at play.
It is the normalising that creates the most harm as we become desensitised and are quick to not speak up in truth to what is harming on a greater scale than we choose to feel.
As with sexism, ‘normalisation’ can happen in so many aspects of our society… from the violence in music to the abuse of legal poisons that are literally undermining the decency that we should have in our lives as our birthright.
“there is still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.” When we allow the perceived lesser incidents of sexism to become the norm and don’t speak out then gradually the more aggressive forms of sexism become the norm.
What an inspiration this blog continues to be. Since first reading this blog when published, my awareness has been raised significantly on how much sexism and veiled sexual innuendoes are common, everyday occurrences being disguised behind a joking manner or ‘this is how it is’ attitude and accepted as normal in life. I realise now how conditioned and numbed out society is in accepting this diminishing and disrespectful expression and, thanks to this blog, I am calling this behavior out as never before.
Our normal is indeed disturbing and a far cry from how we should all be living and treating each other. I look forward to the day that our normal is something that doesn’t harm and one we can be proud of.
I can very much relate to what you say in that I too only realised in recent years how much sexism is around. It is around both ways as women also objectify men. In the end anything that is not loving is harmful and to treat each other as pieces of meat is not loving.
This is a great topic for discussion, sexism is so prevalent in our society today especially with the alarming consequences our youth are being affected by it in their behaviours towards each other. Learning to appreciate and honour the unique qualities that we all bring allows us to see past the pictures we have been ingrained with of what being a man or woman is in our society and see each other for the beauty and tenderness of who we truly are.
It can be very easy to separate these big issues away from our lives and think we don’t experience them, but something like sexism filters into the lives of everyone either directly or indirectly – it’s in media and advertising, in films and online and on the street. We can’t allow the continual normalising of abuse, for we will simply continue to slide down the scales until we reach a point that the situation gets bad enough for us to reconsider.
“Sexism is a very big problem in our society today. It has exploded into a very worrying ‘normalised’ behaviour that is seriously affecting everyone, especially our youth.” I absolutely agree Carolien, sexism has become so normalised, how we view girls, how the media portrays them, what is acceptable in music videos is appalling. How much pressure young boys are under to be popular and manly, not allowing them to be tender and gentle. There is a lot that is unfolding in our society today that does need attention and a new perspective on and we are all responsible for making changes.
It is scary to think that so many women have this sort of experience and pass it off as normal. I know that I have been spoken too and groped inappropriately and simply passed it off as normal or my fault. I never really was honest enough to say ‘this is not OK and I need to stand up and express this’ – so the silent cycle continues. But it is our responsibility to break the silence and reflect that it is not OK.
I agree Hannah and at first this is not easy as we are not used to it or fear the reaction, but what we need to understand is that by staying silent or accepting it as the norm we are not only condoning it but perpetuating it into the next generations.
I agree Katie, and as it is not talked about or worse, often trivialised we tend to push it way and try to forget about it as soon as possible. In this way it stays unaddressed and the illusion is created that all is fine.
Misogyny has been a lot more in the papers recently because of the rise in the number of incidents, unfortunatly this is barely scratching the surface the true harm and scale has yet to be seen.
There are so many ingrained behaviours in our societies, our relationships, and indeed the ourselves that set patterns of disconnection and separatism, and whenever any individual starts to look at their own behaviours and habits, then there is the possibility of reconnection for all of us.
So true “we have become so hardened in our ‘liberal society’ that it takes really awful things for us to see and feel the extremes which keep spiraling downwards.” I thought we needed to relax but actually what hides below ‘off the cuff’ jokes belies a lived belief that can have terrible consequences. When there is a belief that women do not have an equal voice there is outrage at those women who speak as if they do. Inevitably comments and jokes about about putting a women in her place and usually, rape or sexual assault is the way to go. We cannot ignore the small stuff, the small stuff is where the big stuff lies.
Great point Lucy. When we compare abusive behaviour to more extreme abusive behaviour as a justification for the existence of abuse we deny our collective and individual sensitivities and allow all types of abuse to flourish. This is the great harm of comparison and justification.
This was an interesting read, peeling away the layers and facades to reveal the truth that exists behind so-called liberalism and expose what women have said yes to under the guise of feminism. We are living on a skewed foundation of ideals and beliefs about what is normal or acceptable behaviour simply because it has become normalised and therefore accepted. It doesn’t mean it’s right or true, just normalised and accepted. The more we express this, the likelier we are to build a momentum that can change it.
I love the article, it is great to talk openly about sexism and how it has been normalised and accepted as the way we interact in our modern society. I think its great to look more closely at these seemingly ‘harmless’ acts and expose what lies underneath.
I wanted to add that although this sexism is more commonly directed at woman by men, there are also many cases of woman treating men inappropriately, usually behind mens backs when we are in groups of other woman, referring to men like they are pieces of meat. Some woman also find that they get away with being physical and sleazy with younger men all in the name of fun, I often think if a older man were doing this they would be frowned upon.
As a society we despise and condemn rape and sexual abuse yet we do not realize the allowed behaviors everyday that reinforce this kind of crime, the subtle behavior, that we let go on unchecked, the odd remark, the slight innuendo. It is in these seeming ‘harmless’ remarks that we find the real evil feeding the actions of others
Hear Hear Samantha, we have such excess behaviour that the lesser acts in exactly the same energy is no longer seen as a problem. But it is the same energy and thus it feeds the behaviour that we then deem as evil and horrendous. It is the energy that needs addressing in every single expression of it.
An experience comes to mind where I was at a party last year where the utter disgrace that a man was speaking about a woman was deplorable, but what I found even more disgusting was that other men whilst saying what he was doing was horrible, were also humouring his behaviour. I spoke up and said that what they were doing was just as harmful and the embarrassment in each of the men that I addressed was immediate. Then very quickly came the anger at being exposed. I walked away and left them, but I had a feeling of strength in my body that actually surprised me at the time, a strength, that, overtime I am coming to know as a normal feeling in my body every time I speak up with truth and love.
Carolien,
the deep damage that even the slightest sexism comment can cause to any one, man or woman, should be enough for us all to take a much closer look at our behaviours and begin to make choices to clean up our act, so to speak. We all have a role to play when it comes to addressing the truth here and yes it is sometimes not easy to stand up and say something feels horrible, but the outcome if we don’t is even worse.
Yes Leigh but in order to do so we have to first be willing to acknowledge and admit to the deep damage being done. If we did this the next steps would be easy but the stubbornness in protecting our behaviours and our choices to not be aware is a very big hurdle to take and one that will need many to stand up and speak out time and time again until the bigger consciousness is broken on this subject.
The other night I was on a tram and a man who had been drinking was mouthing off about how no woman on the tram would talk to him -” what was wrong with the world? – He was an alright bloke and this was what was wrong with the world today.” The men on the tram thought it was funny. The women on the tram shrank into their seats.
A drunk man, a big man, a man slightly out of control man is very threatening for women. We have been taught that we are responsible for what happens to us. This is sexism. This blaming, this shrugging off of this kind of menace is a lack of understanding and is abuse. All this is worth being aware of. The fact that all the women on the tram felt the responsibility that any of their responses, any false move would be held against them, just shows how we have come to accept this status quo.
Carolien, this is a great blog and so true. For many years I tried to be invisible in my life so that I would never be confronted by sexism and misogyny. I felt that if I just keep my head down and stayed in the background it would go away. There are so many ways we choose to numb, avoid, ignore and not take responsibility for the fact that it is happening. The time has come to stand up and to speak up. Once I opened my eyes my experience of what you have shared has become more evident. Thanks for writing this article and for calling for more truth and honesty – we can all change what is accepted and we can all make our loving way more honest, loving, tender, sensitive and open.
Christine, the fact that you tried to be invisible shows you were already fully affected by sexism and misogony. This is how insidious the damage of this energy is.
Great article Carolien, I feel to ask has society replaced intimacy with sexism?
The level of disregard for both men and women is at an alarming point in today’s society. Living with simplicity and with more love and self care is a choice and open for all to see and feel.
Until we really start to know ourselves, we, and that is, humanity, will be plagued by ‘ looking for love in all the wrong places’ as the song goes… Because until we know ourselves enough to truly love ourselves, we can’t really be in any true relationships at all
Well said Chris, if we do not allow ourselves to feel and thus truly know ourselves to be precious, tender and sensitive how can we treat ourselves and each other accordingly? And yet on some level we do know and miss it deeply and hence the looking for love you so accurately mentioned.
I absolutely agree Katie, it has been a fast sliding scale in the past few decades where we have become so desensitised on the one hand and so deeply lacking in integrity and responsibility when it comes to what we publish, how we advertise and what we deem as entertainment that we are fast approaching rock bottom. Rock bottom will reveal itself in the way our young will behave towards each other as boys and girls and we only need to look around and see what is going on for our teenagers to see that we are pretty much there already.
‘The Shocking Normalisation of Sexism’ This is definitely what I see has happened in society. Just the other day in my workplace there was an incident where one of the women was talking about how she had two masters, which caused her to get a lot of ‘joking’ attention from a couple of the guys. I pointed out to them that they wouldn’t have been saying such things if she had been a guy. They were shocked that I had spoken up saying of course they would. Then the woman in question defended the guys saying she doesn’t mind and its just a bit of fun. To me it was a clear example of how sexist behaviours can take place and people do not even notice as it is such a strong part of the world we live in. And that we, as women, are to a certain extent, still allowing it to happen.
Eleanor, when I read what you shared from your workplace I got a feeling of how women have accepted this kind of joking as a form of attention and a replacement for true connection on an intimate open and sensitive level. It is as if we have accepted that this is all we can get from men and therefor settle for so much less then what would otherwise be.
Recently I have really started to realise how hooking sexual energy is, we can find it anywhere, it is on our billboards, on our televisions and in our newspapers. This type of sexual energy is far from innocent and aims to draw us in and just like any drug leaves us empty and needing more.
Well said Samantha, it draws us in, removing us even further from our own sensitivity and delicateness, creating more emptiness and thus craving more. We are addicted to so much more then we realise and are starting to see this as normal. Sexism, misogyny and porn are far removed form any kind of normal if the standard for normal is who we innately are.
Sexism is to undermine the true reason and potential we as women and men have in relationship. The huge power this brings to the world. There is a discomfort in our world that does not like this truth to be lived, therefore another play has been silently and at times aggressively has been introduced – sexual abuse, sexism. Therefore it makes sense that all this effort and rah-rah is made into make us believe that sexism is the only way for women and men to live and communicate with each other on a day- to day basis, or at least there always exist an element in a relationship that has sexism in it. This is all to scare off the people to choose the true potential of living in love with each other and ourselves. As this distraction wants us to be blind from the integrity and love we can live together – which is brotherhood. The result of sexism in our day- to day life simply shows us the absolute evil we have accepted to be our normal in society, and within our own lives. And how we have given up our love. Once we see and stand forward with honesty and openness and share our responsibility in regards to our accepted forms of abuse (which sexism is) – we can free ourselves from the prison of illusion we have embedded ourselves in. Then we can only truly free ourselves from sexism and abuse. This is only the start.
it is important indeed Danna to expose the belief that this is the way men and women are naturally in their interactions with each other. Even in good and seemingly harmonious relationships these patters and believes still exist. It is an identification with a way of being we have adopted that keeps us from living the true expression of men and women together.
Thank you Carolien for being honest. I too live in the Netherlands and I know this liberal and so called free form of sexual behavior. Is not free at all nor true open. I have withnessed sexualism on the streets, internet, video, tv – and if I compare it to other countries there is indeed a difference, but guess what? This difference might look different but when truly looked at for example our advertising on tv (commercials) all we do equally is supporting sexism to be normal , just with a ‘glitter coat on’ so the speak. This to me makes it even more scary, simply because not only are we accepting sexism to be normal – we are actually advertising it as ‘ pretty OK and fun’ , I mean hello?!?! I could go crazy on this thought, but all I realize is that it is the accepted level of lies that drives us forth until such time we get honest again – then we truly free ourselves from sexism.
You raise many great points Carolien including the evil that exists deep in society that is hidden behind the nice-ness and politeness that masks that surface. The rot is obviously there as seen through many women feeling a lack of connection to their true womanly beauty and preciousness, a factor mostly not honoured or allowed to be nurtured and fostered by the ill of the systems hidden ideals and beliefs. Shows how we must examine EVERYTHING as even these niceties can still be causing us great harm
beautifully put Joshua and a great point to bring to the fore that women are living with a great lack of connection to their true womanly beauty and preciousness. This in itself shows the extend and depth of the rot we have allowed for. So much in our life has become ‘part of life’ we just do them, copy others and never truly question if what we are doing is not actually completely false even if feel that little nag that was us all the time and even when the consequences are so painfully visible before each and every one of us.
Indeed we have Monica – sexism is seen as another factor of life – when really it does not have a place at all.
But as you share here – to start to allow ourselves to be more sensitive and call out sexism is to ask people to really consider what they have accepted. To normalise something is to allow it. But why do we allow something that keeps us separate from each other when in truth we are all equal.
Love doesn’t judge or see another as different or NQR, it is so respectful and honouring of the love that it is in front of it and it only wishes to be love with it in the most honouring way.
Liberal… so every-time I read Liberal it, it was like it got stuck in mouth a word I felt that is used to justify abuse to others in so many forms that it’s not funny, A word that now has absolutely no integrity a mere get out of jail free. Lacking any real from of responsibility for oneself
Yes Jaime, I also have come to see that word in a very different light. Liberal to me now means we are agreeing to disagree, a way to avoid taking responsibility to work towards the one unifying truth where all are held equally. It means everything goes and we do not call each other on behaviour we inside know is unacceptable and in contradiction to what we innately know is love and brotherhood.
Abuse is abuse whether we say we are being “liberal” or not. There is no way of getting around that even though as a society we try.
I agree Fiona. This blog brilliantly exposes what happens to our society when we disconnect from and lose the innate value and worth of our natural sensitivity by denying what we truly feel and hiding it amongst the camouflage of unacceptable and disrespectful behaviours that only serves to feed the vicious circle of this denial all the more.
There is such an engulfing tide of information visual stimulation, so many things that humanity is becoming desensitized on so many levels… And it is the reconnection then that is so important, so that the true values of our community can be restored.
So true Chris, we need to be reminded of the fact that what we consume through our media is actually far past any norm we should accept in our lives, to be ‘snapped back to reality’ so to speak. When we ask a grown up if they would like their child to be subjected to this they initially say no and yet those grownups allow, accept and even create these very stimulations.
Great point raised chrisjames. The normalisation of these behaviours is what allows these actions to take place.
I agree Chris James, Carolien and nb – it is shocking what we now accepted as ‘normal’ from being so highly desensitised by many forms of media – internet, TV, newspapers and computer games etc. Abuse is accepted.
‘ Old fashioned’ values or respect and care for each other is what community would benefit from again.
It really shines a light on this ‘normalisation’ doesnt’ it? It would serve everyone to truly look at what we as a society have deemed as normal and that it is the way it is, when all along it is truly the ‘what is not’!
When I first heard Serge Benhayon present that the reason men behave lewdly is because of their own intimacy issues it was a real eye opener. It led to understanding how when we honour our sensitivity, there is no way we see another human being as a sex object. When we are afraid of our own sensitivity, we create behaviour that will ensure we are ultimately rejected by others to confirm our choice to reject ourselves. Ultimately, lewd behaviour always ends up in rejection.
Well said Simon and this is such an important point. We all crave intimacy in the true sense of the word but to have intimacy we need to open up and let people in.
Well said Carolien – the greatest gift adults can bring to their children is to meet them fully for who they are and live in a way of truth so that the underlying neediness of craving recognition or acceptance through lack of love in their live has absolutely no basis to take root and grow from.
In our visual society sexism is now blatantly exposed. We have certainly reached extremes of the spectrum. I trust that as the number of people reclaiming their self worth and tenderness increases we will move away from this from of expression. Each time we refuse to accept any form of sexism it is a step forward in eradicating it. Like everything else in our lives, with commitment we can change the world around us.
I would like to think that my young Grand daughters would not have to face these issues of sexism in their lives, but I feel it may be a few lifetimes before we eradicate some of humanities inequality and sexist ways. Its a good start to express how we feel about these issues now and I thank you Carolien for sharing your experiences with us. Change starts with one voice.
Roslyn, it may be a while before all of it is eradicated but we can start by strongly supporting our own children and grandchildren in not accepting this kind of behaviour and even more importantly to know themselves for who they are so they will not feel the need to enjoin or look for recognition and acceptance.
This feels like another form of separation which has developed between us in our way of living because of physical characteristics. We need to connect back to what is on the inside to realise we are all the same and lose these behaviours.
Beautiful Martin, the love in what you share is gorgeous and just the kind of reflection young people need in their every day. And I agree we create a shiny layer and tell ourselves this is the light we know but all it is a layer of veneer that we then call liberation, freedom of expression or even progress. It never lasts though and we have to keep putting on new layers again and again and it never allows to look deeper then that surface.
As I grow up in the UK in the 80’s and 90’s it felt as though I was free concerning my choices around sex and how I lived. There was the pill and birth control and sexual health centres. It felt pretty open in a sense. It also felt as though it was expected that as a young woman I would have sex at a young age, it was legal by 16 so we can do it right…I had been told that I was a lucky generation who had a choice and sexual freedom without fear of reprisals. However abusive behaviour was around me and I witnessed it and encountered it regularly. I used to go along with it, not challenge it and also try to fit in with what would be considered desirable, not to express myself but to have recognition and control…If we do not have self worth, if we do not call abuse when it occurs we harm ourselves and the person delivering the abuse because they do not get to feel that it could be another way and it allows this abuse to continue on with other people. I wasn’t alone, many young woman and young men, I am sure have suffered abuse through lewd comments, flashing, groping, and so much worse and this is often called a ‘normal’ part of growing up. When we feel we want to get involved with ‘sex’, if you broach the subject of ‘love’ you are often deemed ‘naive’ …Why does this happen, look under the superficial rouse of a liberal society and there is not freedom, there are societal, gender and cultural restraints which dominate and often if we do not have self worth dictate what occurs. Exposing what happens in the name of ‘liberal’ is vital, this is an amazing article – Thank you.
You raise a great point here Samantha, what in truth is sexual freedom? It seems to have been interpreted as being free to sleep with many different partners but also as a ticket to sexualise anything and everything to the point that we lose our sense of preciousness. The coarseness thats comes with our current expression of sexual freedom crushes our natural ability to feel what being sexy is and consequently sex has taken over our ability to make love.
Thank you Carolien. Sexism is huge, spurred on by sexualisation where focus has been brought to the objectification of our bodies as sexual performing machines. A reflection of the superficial view we have of ourselves and each other.
Sexism and misogyny feel to be protective measures that come from a hurt that we use to avoid going deeper to re-connect to the truly sensitive and innately aware beings that we are.
I see that too Marcia and the crazy thing about that is that each and every time we allow this in our lives, and each and every time we override the natural sensitivity we are we get hurt more.
Misogyny and anti-delicateness runs deep in our society. There is a resistance from both women and men to surrender to the love and stillness we really are. It can be pretty gross to feel the subtleties of how this misogyny plays out in everyday conversation, sayings and ‘jokes’ – right through to the more obvious forms of abuse. We need to be supported in saying no to this, as it is capping many in the world we live. It’s time to stand up to this – from love, stillness and power equally – to show that hardness simply is not the way.
I like that word Amelia “anti-delicateness” it is a word that says a lot about the quality we choose to live in, both men and women alike.
Carolien, I love what you have shared here. It is so true that we can be so ‘normalised’ in what actually is occuring with sexism and misogynistic behaviour, that it almost doesn’t factor on the radar, unless it is so overt we can’t help but comment on or react to. But it is laced in the fabric of our society…..unfortunately, that a lot of sexist comments and behaviour can go largely unnoticed. I am confronted at times with this behaviour in my line of work, as a management consultant, it is so fascinating just how much is in the undercurrent of peoples behaviour and vernacular. It is however, all of our responsibility to confront and call this out, which I am doing more and more.
Raegan, what you share is so important as just because it is an undercurrent doesn’t mean it does not harm in the same way. In fact I feel it is even worse because it is more difficult to call out, easier denied and lacing all with an energy that is changing behaviour in an undetected way. I have found it shocking to find all my adjustments and beliefs that I had gathered over my life about how to be and not to be as a woman that have come from being affected by sexism. If I look at the world of our teenagers today and the enormous amount of sexism that is all around them then I am honestly deeply concerned about how much they are damaged and harmed by it without even realising it.
It is only recently that I have come to see that I have a part to play in this as a woman. I have accepted this and added to it by playing along with it, not holding myself, competing with men, judging myself based on looks, letting comments slide and not living the true woman that I am and allowing my power through my fragility and grace.
I love your honesty kristy and it is true this behaviour would not have been around anymore if we had not layer along.
Carolien as I see it one of the main problem is that we numb ourselves out as a form of protection. We accept ever increasing levels of abuse that become normal because we have lost the ability to feel the damage it does to us. Misogyny is rife everywhere we look but men and women are complicit in maintaining this state of affair in our societies.
Michelle this is a good point you make. The way I have seen it develop is that the girls have started to adopt the negative behaviour and have hardened and toughened so much that they are now street fighting and taking on rude and crude behaviours where they are indeed being sexist and bullying towards boys. This seems to be a counter reaction that is a big part of the out of control spiral. We need to support our girls in being true to their sensitivity and in that not accepting any behaviour from each other or from boys that is anything less then honouring.
Carolien thanks so much for writing about a topic that is seen as “so normal”. Reading your blog I now realise how often I have brushed of sexual comments or “accepted’ them in order to not deal with any back lash or be considered a prude for speaking up when words or actions didn’t fell right.
I love this blog – thank you Carolien. I too had the attitude ‘oh get over it, it is not such a big deal’ – but I realised that I held this for two reasons. Firstly to not feel how horrible it is to be objectified and not valued for my inner-quality and worth, and speaking of worth, I had very little and so didn’t feel misogyny as confronting because I already degraded and denigrated myself in my thoughts and mind. Now that I am valuing me and my body as a woman, I can both feel misogyny more acutely and expose it when it is occurring, as well as see how when I hold myself as a woman it in fact supports men to honour me… so it seems that both men and women hold the key to stop this behaviour.
I love your comment Sarah and can feel this was the same for me. I did not value myself and that made it hard for others to value me in my true worth. Now that I do value myself in all my delicateness and tenderness I can feel the real impact of sexism and misogyny, not only on myself but on all of us delicate beings while at the same time I can receive being valued by others making it easier for them to do so.
Thank you for sharing Katie, this is so true the desensitising is shocking and if we as grown ups do not put a stop to this in just a few years the norm will shift yet again as it has done in the past 2 decades. Our kids digest what is all around them and words from adults that do not live in a different way will not help them out of it. I remember my parents comparing our music and fashion to theirs when I was young and my answer would be this is out time and this is how we do it. My normal was what was all around me. And so it is up to the grown ups to change what is all around our children and teenagers.
Aberrations of all sorts exist in our society today, some are almost condoned, some are frowned upon, but until humanity knows who they truly are and start to heal, all these dysfunctions are just the tip of the iceberg of our collective ignorance and symptomatic of how far we have strayed from our truth.
Carolien this is an awesome article exposing the rot in normality. It is extraordinary how many of us resign to accepting what should not be acceptable just because it is so prolific… in that we are responsible for what we have allowed and it is us refusing to accept less than what is true that will change the tide.
It never ceases to amaze me how little we really know about ourselves and your blog is another classic example. It certainly has opened my eyes to see and feel that so much of what we have accepted as ‘normal’ is quite the opposite and I also held a similar view as you “The reason I thought we did not have deeply embedded problems in our society was because I was looking at the extremes and had learned to dismiss the less extreme incidents.” Your blog is awesome Carolien – thank you.
Tamara I was struck by your comment “how little we really know about ourselves.” That is a beautiful thing to ponder on as what you say is true in so many ways. Most of us had no idea before Universal Medicine of the delicacy, tenderness, and love that we really are. There was and still is so much to discover within ourselves if we but cease the constant onslaught of everything we have created outside of ourselves. And this is true for many, if not all people in this world.
“As women we need to look at what we have allowed or bought into.” Absolutely Carolien for if we as women even for a moment accept or ignore misogynistic attention from a man then we are in fact condoning the behaviour and unwittingly reinforcing the pattern.
I agree Carolien there is no level of sexism that could be seen as ‘harmless fun’. Anything that put someone as lesser is denigrating and creates division. It is horrible to feel that this is normal in society. The way to turn it around is say “it’s not normal for me”, Harmony and equality is normal for me. Calling out sexism and all forms of separation is normal for me, and as it becomes more normal, our society will be more harmonious.
well said Bernard, there is so much swept under the carpet under the guise of harmless fun, not just related to sexism but to all forms of bullying as well. And yes we should turn it around and not only speak our truth but claim a new normal.
Actually as I wrote that I felt to expand that what I see is that the harmless fun card is played not because we all truly believe that it is so but because it deliberately blocks the other person from speaking up and standing tall against this behaviour. It is a very well organised game that prays on the need of people to belong and not be excluded. If we do not ‘play’ along we are the ones that are at fault and are made to pay the price for that. In this way the person being sexist or bullying not only get’s away with the behaviour but also gets to be the ‘big guy’ for calling out the other persons’ lack of team play.
Yes the other side of this coin is that by saying ‘I was only joking’ we deny any responsibility for how made the other person feel and we can keep ourselves from feeling in truth the quality of what we just expressed.
It is indeed awful to feel to what extend I have accepted sexism in my surroundings and how I have cooperated through not sharing what I feel to be true for me, and not keeping up with what is seen as the norm. All these small ideas and beliefs have become, as I feel, a huge problem. And only I can just stop, and start to share what I feel about woman.
“As I have seen, there are many men and women who, inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, choose not to normalise so-called ‘liberal’ sexual behaviours, who are living proof of our naturally tender and loving ways… of how different we can be, as men and women, without the impost of the various roles we play and the ingrained male/female behaviours we take on.” I agree Carolien…it is truly inspiring to observe the transformations that take place as students choose to let go of all the ideals and beliefs that have been running their lives, and to see their true beauty emerge as each person lives more of who they truly are.
Absolutely Paula and every time I get to see the evolution in those men and women I feel blessed to be witness to it as it is the living proof of who we truly are and of the fact that we can live this in full in the world today. To often I have heard that ‘this is just the way we are” or this is just how it is” All those that live another way are laying a whole new foundation that will one day make those beliefs impossible.
That is a big one you bring in Elaine, ‘not worth bothering about” How much have we deemed to be in this category? We seem to have lost sight of what is truly important in our lives and have lost touch with what love and tenderness truly is. We are no longer connecting the dots because the dots are immense and very hard to look at. We cannot say sexism is not a problem when in our ‘liberal society’ 40% of people between 15 and 25 % have been victim to unwanted sexual behaviour. There are many dots to connect here to get the whole picture. Can we really afford to keep our eyes closed to this?
What you nominate and expose here about sexism is very powerful and important. There are so many things in society we accept as “normal” but in truth they are not normal. So it is really time to step up and to expose everything that is not love.
It’s so great that subjects like this are being ousted out of the closet and are more freely discussed. The more light we bring to this vast subject the less grip this stronghold will have over society. Perhaps more people will step up and start to express what they truly feel after seeing others gaining confidence in their expressing of such abusive behaviours. Thank you Carolien for this great sharing.
Thank you Marion, I too feel that many of us feel what is going on but think we are alone in it. If we speak up we will find that most of us actually feel the same and want it to change. By expressing it and sharing how we feel we will not only find that we are not the odd one off but we will also give others permission to join in this expression for themselves.
Yes, it is shocking Karin how equally derogatory women can be about men – a common one often expressed is played with – a rolling of the eyes and ‘oh well, what do you expect, he is only a man’.
These days, I will express how far away from reality this actually is and how totally tender men can be when women honour themselves more.
“it is time to address sexism and misogyny and what we have deemed as ‘normal’ and realise this is not normal at all.” I totally agree Carolien. I also used to justify lots of what i would now call abusive behaviour because it was generally accepted as not being worth bothering about. I now see it is so worth bothering about. It is time to speak up about behaviour that demeans, diminshes, or in any way is disrespectful to a girl, boy, woman or man. It is time to begin to address and heal the harm this behaviour causes.
Great exposure on sexism. What you share is so much truth, how many of us put up with sexism as we would only look at extreme situations and forget about the smaller incidents. I know when I was younger I had many comments about my looks and my body, yet I just dismissed or put under the carpet thinking it’s just normal behaviour of men. I would be around boys talking about other girls and never stopped them, just let them carry on, thinking it’s normal for boys to talk like this. When I got married, my husband was completely different, he hated any man talking about women’s body in harmful way, he use to get upset when his friends talked. As I got to understand my understand, I realised he is a very sensitive man and he does not like sexism, never has and hates being around men who do.
Sexism, as you express here Carolien, goes far beyond the large scale acts such as rape. Even a laud comment from across a bar is totally dismissing the truth of who that woman is. Worse still, though they may outwardly laugh it off or pretend to embrace the comment, women can be deeply hurt by these cheapening remarks and withdraw their natural grace and sexiness from the world in protection from the hurt they engender.
thank you for sharing Amita it is lovely when a men honours his sensitivity and is not afraid to speak up and let himself be heard on what he can clearly feel is not a loving way to be.
It is sad that the accepted way of being and with that sexism, is keeping both genders away from their true expression and has us communicating from hurts and protection rather then love and openness.
we can easily point out what the other gender is doing wrong but are not as eager in exposing our own behaviours and patterns. fact is we both suffer from unnatural ways of being and all need to start to see just what exactly we have taken on as normal that if looked at more closely can easily be exposed as loveless and separative.
It is quite revealing to realise just how much of the society’s culture, normalised view and attitudes sink into the psyche of a person. It’s like we take on a belief, a way, a thought process, that has totally not come from within the person at all, and then this belief is accepted and lived as normal. This is a great blog Carolien, as it exposes this adoption of a belief, and shows how important it is to have conversations to break down potentially abusive behaviours.
Thank you Johanne for your beautiful comment in which you so lovingly explain how we allow those behaviours to become normal in our everyday life. It starts somewhere and is adopted more and more until it seems to be normal but yet it is so far away from our natural expression. As you say awareness and open discussion is what is needed to bring this to light.
What you share is so very true Johanne. The only way we will be able to expose the abnormal that is dressed up and accepted at normal of todays society is to be honest about where society is really at and raise these issues for discussion globally and talk about them within any medium – from our everyday conversations with others to social media, the media and all governing levels of society.
Could it be that a man’s own absence of deep connection to himself defaults to ‘power position’ with a woman, with which she is willingly obliging as a result of her own absence of connection, to conveniently bring about a temporary relief to that emptiness?
Thank you Carolien for starting this discussion, i encourage the girls who work for me to not accept from customers anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or has any sexual energy, it needs to be called and by allowing an openess between us all on this subject the staff feel more empowered to call it when it happens.
This should be an open discussion in business too.
By talking about this it puts more focuss on the subject and brings greater clarity to be able to spot when something is not as it should be and speak out to cut it.
wWell said Andrew, talking about it openly will break the idea that we should just put up with it or do not want to rock the boat. If all employees in business are supported and empowered to express how they feel a lot could change in our workplaces!
I agree Caroline – men can make such a difference.
But, what a huge difference we all can make, men and women alike when we stand against any form of abuse, however subtle it may be through jokes, glances or humiliation of another. Physical abuse is often easier to be aware of and do something about.
Sexism makes it all about arrogance, power and differences in gender.
To me it feels that as people and human beings we have completely lost our way with regard to true respect and appreciation for each other and honouring this equally so for all. It has just been easier to behave in a way that has become the ‘acceptable norm’ – which is actually totally unacceptable.
This blog is a huge wake-up call for change.
This is true Stephanie and what I got when reading your comment is that we may think that the more subtle expressions of sexism are less harming but in truth the harm runs deep and wide as it makes us change who we are. We adapt in our behaviour, expression maybe even the way we move or dress but most of all we start to protect and hold back who we truly are, both men and women.
“If you have a problem with it, you’re seen as not being able to have a laugh” This is exactly what I have found Monica, I have been around sexism for both genders around school and in the work place and when one does not accept the abuse they are always very quickly belittled or excluded from everyone else
Last night on the TV was a programme where a Belgian Woman came to a school in England to teach Sex Education and to promote a syllabus for GCSE (the exams teenagers take towards University level). It was interesting to see how reluctant (on the surface) the girls were to getting to know their own bodies, especially using a mirror to view their own body parts (their homework). The boys homework was to create an art piece of the girls labia, clitoris, vagina, urethra and anus. More interesting was the attitudes of the boys and girls as they became more aware of each others views on sex. The girls became so much more empowered realizing that they did not have to put up with the boys demands and could state clearly if there was something that did not feel ‘right’ to them. The boys also had the opportunity to gain more respect for the girls and realise what the girls actually ‘wanted’. The Belgian woman, then took her proposal for a Sex Education GCSE curriculum to the relevant Minister of Parliament who accepted that this could be of benefit in schools here in England.
That is cool Elaine, I’d like to know who this was? It is so important that we have communication and the building of awareness. It is the only way to break this downwards spiral.
Very true, Carolien, like you said women should understand that they participate in the existence, continuance and growth of this problem. Educating the young to bring some awareness around the subject is the way to go. They are so busy living up to their own and other people’s expectations, wanting to fit in, looking for recognition and love in all the wrong places they just don’t realize they have a choice.
I feel so too Ilja and there is much awareness needed about who we truly are and just as much support to those around us, especially our children and teenagers, that says it is ok to be yourself.
As women we have to take responsibility and as Carolien says “… look at what we have allowed or bought into.” I used to say nothing because I didn’t want to make a fuss and then I went through a phase of constantly being in reaction. The reaction is becoming much less as I continue to build a foundation of love for myself and this includes speaking up when something is not true.
Wow Carolien, this blog is awesome! I loved reading it exposing into the truth of sexism and misogyny going on in our society today between men and women and how turning a blind eye to it all helps no-one. “… there is still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.” I absolutely agree and although it is slightly getting better from what I see in my own life this ingrained consciousness is still there in most men; even when a man remains quiet he is fact contributing to sexism.
thank you Caroline and this consciousness is still in women too, we as women as a whole have not yet fully embraced the truth of men being just as tender and sensitive as women are and the that relationships can be deeply nurturing and caring in all openness and love.
Thank you Carolien for sharing your words that offer great insight into a much maligned subject, Why do we accept the so called norm as away to live, when really if we stayed open to feel what was happening to us through a day and made choices around whether we felt at ease or anxious , loved or abused , our self or some fabrication of what we thought we needed to be to survive and or be accepted by the norm .Why not make the new norm to be who we are and express the truth of what is actually happening , how are we living with each other , how are our bodies are coping with how we choose to live.
Paul I love your comment especially the part that say to make the new norm to express our truth. Just seeing it for what it is is not enough for real change. The expression of how it feels, what it does to us, our own sensitivity and tenderness..the more we express the more we offer other the opportunity to connect back to their truth to annd real change will happen.
Carolien it is amazing to see how we accept so readily what we see in our environment and what appears to be a normal situation, until we start to question this as you did. There are many instances of Sexism around us every day and unless it is called out for what it is nothing will change. Thank you for your sharing and insight into this problem.
Great to bring up this subject of normalization of Sexism. I enjoyed your development and transition of growing up with an ideal and the awakening that because it is normal it’s not truthful. When probed to ponder on this truth, confirmation was there within your own feelings and experiences.
That is great Concetta “because it is not normal does not mean it is truthful” and mostly it is not loving either. We simply have not had true role models but each and everyone of us who dares to take a different road and stand for it will be a role model to those around us.
I totally agree with you Carolien it is time we addressed sexism and misogyny and how throughout the ages it has been normalised. By each and every one of us committing to embracing out own tenderness it will really expose how wrong the old behaviours really are . I feel things are slowly changing but definitely not fast enough.We need to get to a point where no one is treated any different and the behaviours of the past are just not tolerated.
Absolutely Tony I agree that sexism is a far cry from the natural innate sensitivity and tenderness that each man holds and that standing up against it is equally challenging if not more so for men within their peer groups and communities. But equally so a man claiming his natural expression amongst other men is immensely powerful. It offers men a reflection of shoo they truly are and gives them permission to break with the norm and choose their own expression.
Thank you Carolien for opening this discussion. It is tempting to ‘push sexism under the carpet’ if it is not happening to you, but as you say, we only consider the extremes and are inclined to just accept the lesser abuse as ‘just how life is’. We all have a responsibility to be aware of normalising the unacceptable and say to ‘No’ to what we know are minor abuses or we we are part of the abuse that leads to the extremes.
This is true Mary and yet the consequences of sexism are becoming more and more extreme. It is amazing how so few seem to truly connect the dots and are willing to stand up and speak up. We seem paralysed by the statistics and adopted the stance of ‘we don’t know what to do against it’ yet the truth is many are still in the comfort of allowance. In the news yesterday was an article that in Holland 41% of teenagers had encounter sexual experiences against their will. This to me is definitely an extreme!
Yes Oliver this is true, every single person needs to come to more awareness by their own choice and actions yet the more of us are willing to be honest and make changes the more we create a group consciousness that counters ‘the normal’ and the easier it will be for people to become aware. So each and every person makes a big difference on the way of having a whole new normal.
Similar to you Monica, I work in Sales/Recruitment where the examples you give are very similar, and the attitude of ‘if you don’t enjoy the industry or job, then leave’ is very common. And so to remain in something, a career or profession we actually enjoy amidst the sexist remarks etc. often means a compromise takes place where we harden the natural delicateness of us for protection or cover. To not feel, hear, even see. What I’ve noted is that when we start to look at what ideals and beliefs we’ve taken on as women, and begin to honour and love us as a woman, that the comments or experiences of sexism, lessen. That any comments we do receive, hear or experience is a call for us to take a more deeper look at the way we’re holding and treating ourselves as a woman, and woman in the workplace/life itself.
That is beautiful Zofia and I have found the same, The love and respect we hold for ourselves will emanate and leave little to no room for such behaviours.
I remember as a teenager speaking with a friend about what normal was. We came to the conclusion, normal was based, not on what any single person thought, but on the majority of a group of people who all felt the same way about something, establishing what is considered ‘normal’.
In reading this blog, it goes to show that group consciousness can be way-off the mark, as a greater level of honouring and awareness builds-up within us to help us feel that. But, what’s interesting, is the fact that each one of those people who make-up the majority need to come to this awareness for themselves. It feels almost hopeless, except for the fact that by living my own truth, this in-turn gives another inspiration to live their truth – which is one and the same. No doubt Carolien is inspiring many who read her blog to come to a greater level of awareness for themselves too. Thank you.
It’s true, sexism and misogyny happens around us every day. I too never had heard of the word misogyny until very recently, and even then it took me some time to totally understand what it meant. In fact I did some searching on the internet and watched some video’s with snippets of misogyny moments on TV and it surprised me to realise that I too was numb to recognising some of them. In fact I had to replay many parts as I could not see where the misogyny had happened. Basically I’ve grown up as it being normal, and I still see people around me daily that don’t think it’s a big deal. Now when I experience it myself I make it very very clear that I will not allow it and if needed I will say something. The more we speak up the more people will become aware.
The pornification of music videos and the harming lyrics of many songs adds to the harmful attitudes that are prevailing, that are making sexism and misogyny normal and acceptable. We have to say loudly that they are not and that a woman being chased by men in the street is not a normal occurrence but instead should be seen as an extreme criminal act, and that even men talking about woman in a derogatory or objectifying way is not impressive or cool. We all need to speak up about such behaviour and set up some new normals that don’t accept sexism in any form.
Yes Stephen for if we do not speak up then our youth will not be offered another choice. In truth none of the boys have this behaviour in their natural way of being and it is adopted as it is ‘the norm’ and none is showing the another way. If we all stand up and speak up then this will show them that is ok to not enjoin and to stay with their tender and loving expression.
It is so true we have become so normalised and desensitised to abusive behaviour. Both subtle, such as some forms of sexist verbal comments and then even to the extremes of domestic violence that society is outraged over a death due to terrorism but hardly bats an eye as two women die each week from domestic violence.
well said Jenny we seem to be able to be outraged when someone from outside the community attacks us but turn a blind eye to all that is happening within our communities. This is an interesting point to ponder on and to look closer at what we allow in our direct environments. Do we speak up about everything that is not love?
That is the key isn’t is Carolien, that we have become so used to it that we don’t notice it. It is only when it is personal do we sit up and take notice or when we have someone point out the obvious and take time as you did, to reassess what we are seeing, experiencing and feeling.
It is Lucy and so let’s keep pointing it out again and again. Each time someone is given an opportunity to look at the subject differently.
Sexism is crippling for women, but also for men as it holds us in a hardened role of what we are told we should be as men, instead of the tender, caring men we truly are.
I absolutely agree Thomas, it is equally damaging for both men and women as both are not not in their natural expression.
Carolien you’ve highlighted how important it is to make people aware of social situations by talking about them! And how necessary it is to bring things to the floor to be discussed and opened up. Imagine if everyone just stayed silent ?
How alarming it is to feel into and ponder on how much sexism how been apart of our society. Hearing your words Carolien deeply resonated with me and I can remember countless times also where I have felt inappropriately touched, looked at, spoken to or treated. What I once thought was ‘just the way it was’ I am now learning that it has been very very wrong and that I am highly sensitive to all kinds of Ill behaviours and can deeply feel the inappropriateness of the behaviours .. Thank for your inspiring writing.
thank you Natasha and what you share was the same for me and i am sure so many women in this world. This is why i love the sharing on this blog as it allows for many to stop and look at what is truly going on and what we have allowed not our lives that is abusive.
I agree with you Natasha – it is alarming to see where behaviour continues to degenerate and is considered as ‘totally normal and acceptable’.
I can relate to your comment of being “inappropriately touched, looked at, spoken to or treated”, feeling very strange / ashamed inside from not speaking out against it for fear of upsetting someone! It was easier than allowing myself to move away from the ‘nice configuration’ I held myself in – nowadays (since presentations by Serge Benhayon) this is no longer an option and I am calling out ill behaviour more and more as I feel the discomfort in my own body.
I like how you worded that Stephanie ‘nice configuration” How much abuse do we allow just to not upset those around to not ’cause a scene’? But isn’t not causing a seen, and people reacting to a possible scene not a great exposure of how we have all made an agreement with each other in this world to not expose what is not true and in fact abusive? So the reaction is to the fact that this is being exposed when someone breaks that agreement. I can feel the insideous and unspoken rules and laws behind this.
Sexism is not normal and absolutely not natural but society has made it a nonchalant way that it is a norm, because of our lack of self responsibility and honesty in addressing what we have chosen, and hence what we are causing to ourselves and the world in consequence. We are hurting ourselves with ignorance, deeply so. We are allowing our young children to grow up thinking it is okay for men to treat women in a degrading manner through the common messages in popular video games, movies and books. None of this is okay. What is regarded as present day normal–is very much out-of-date, when self-love becomes the choice of more and more people. We are in for a treat–new definitions of what normal simply is, and a dictionary too is called for.
I like what you share here Adele, that sexism will be very much out of date when self-love becomes the choice of more and more people. What I feel in it is that this future is already here now and all we have to do is call out what we have allowed for so long and make different choices. We all know innately what is love and what is not and if we approach this issue from that angle then it will no longer seem so big or almost impossible to change, and many more might be willing to step up.
Thanks Carolien, it is so true, what is ‘normal’ in our society just Ain’t! It isn’t normal to be that numb, to turn blind eyes to the corruption and the greed, and the competition and the comparisons and the obesity and the disease and on and on… but unless we bring it out to the fore, and start to present what the alternatives are , then people will just go on thinking that what they think is normal is
Yes I agree, when I’m in some form of unease what really helps is someone helping out in a loving way, then I know what I’ve slipped away from.
very true Chris sexism is just one of the many things that we need to get very honest about and address not only with words but with our own way of living and taking responsibility to what we enjoin and or allow.
Carolien when I was living in dis-connection to my natural self it was very easy to live in ways that were extreme. I was involved in numerous self abusive pass times and thought nothing of it as I had no lived understanding of who I was. In fact not only did I think nothing of it but I actively sought them out. These pursuits fell away naturally as I rediscovered how special I actually was but I don’t think I would have brought in any lasting change without bringing it in to me first.
Sexism is a big problem in today’s world. No doubt about this. Its naturalisation is a killer for both men and women. Men have a clear feeling that they can act in a demeaning way to women and get away with this. When this happens, men celebrate the offender.There is an air of complicity, of shared identity, of supremacy that confirms us as those in charge and them as those that are less. A truly horrible and false game.
This is an important part in many cultures Eduardo, the celebration of the offender and the “air of complicity, of shared identity, of supremacy that confirms us as those in charge and them as those that are less.” This is something that is passed on from generation to generation even though when boys are young this goes against everything they feel inside. But when they join the game just keeps being played.
Thank you Carolien for exposing and highlighting this scourge on our society.
Your blog was very informative and encouraging of us all to speak up when we experience or notice sexist behaviours.
I fully agree with you Carolien that “there is no level of sexism that could be seen as ‘harmless fun’”. I was a young adult in the early to mid seventies when the attitudes to sex among youth in Australia were becoming more like what you describe in Holland. But it always felt creepy and uncomfortable to be expected to just accept the groping and the assumption that I’d be open to any amount of sexual behaviour because that was ‘how it was done’. I was always finding myself dodging the gropes, running from men and keeping myself away from being cornered. The attitudes to sexuality felt very imposing and invasive, as if my choice was being taken away by the whole of society and by the men I met and I had to really stand my ground to not go along with it, while being branded as a ‘prude’. Back then ‘sexism’ was the word used to describe the dominance of men and the enforced inferiority of women and discrimination against women. And there was rebellion against the old ‘double standard’, where men could be sexually forward, unfaithful to their partners and promiscuous, expecting women to yield to them, and yet women were not allowed to do the same! Women reacted to this by becoming sexually forward and promiscuous, but this just bought into the sexism if you ask me, gave ‘the guys’ what they wanted, all part of the same game that dishonoured both genders. The radical feminists of the day knew this game very well and constantly spoke out against it, but they were branded ‘dikes and trouble-makers’, criticized by women and men alike, and men preferred women who adhered to the old ways dressed up as modern liberality. What a thorny, multi-layered problem this is! And yet the simple solution has been there all along and now brought forth in glory by Universal medicine: that men and women are equally tender, sensitive and loving, are the owners of their own bodies, and that this is to be honoured and respected above all.
well sais Dianne, and the sexual freedom of the 70’s has damaged a lot more people then we are willing to admit. I know someone who in that time was with a group where they were easily being with many partners. He at that time felt it was absolute freedom and ‘the thing to do’ but many years later found how much he had to shut down and harden to be able to do this. I feel we are looking left and right for how to be with ourselves and our bodies and our sexuality and new trends come and go but underneath it the damaging energy of sexism is always there because we have lost the connection with what true intimacy and true sexiness really is. Universal Medicine is offering a return to just that and shows us that what we have been looking for is within us first and foremost.
Such a joy to feel a woman connecting back to her delicateness and vulnerability. To me this is the key to end sexism and its normalization in our societies.
I agree felix, this has been a regular experience at Universal Medicine events, where so many woman have stepped into their power, not in a way as recent comments importantly highlight, by telling others what they should do, but by living without being shut down by prevalent attitudes such as sexism. I particularly appreciate Carolien’s blog , because it identifies such attitudes in their most subtle forms, where they can be perhaps the most harming because we often do not pin point the attitude and the transformations in us that they create.
“I had completely shut down my sensitivity, tenderness and delicateness as a woman while thinking I was ‘free’ in my body. I had bought into the ideals and beliefs of a so called liberal society so much that I thought addressing sexism was considered extreme or overly feminist.” So true Carolien, the only way we can not be able to see abuse and sexism for what it is, is by shutting down our own awareness and disconnecting from our own sensitivity and tenderness and delicateness. Once we re-connect to this we can see sexism and misogyny for what it is, how abusive it is and not allow it to be part of our lives.
Yes Alison i am finding that the more i am in my tenderness the easier it is to recognise and lovingly say no to what feels not right. And i see this in men too. It is actually very beautiful and so easy to tackle what seems like a huge problem. When we are in our tenderness there simply is no room for any form of sexism or misogyny and we get to see each other in the gorgeousness of who we truly are.
I recently heard it presented that it is abusive to allow abuse and that struck me as so true. Abuse is harmful to all parties concerned. In this blog you expose how far away from love and truth we are. First we (both men and women) don’t even acknowledge sexism as abusive and then even when we do we allow it as “normal” or even participate in it.
That is such a great realisation Nicola and one i am learning to integrate into my way of living after so many years of allowing it on many ways:: ‘it is abusive to allow abuse’
You raise a very important point Monika which i feel to pause on for a moment. Women have been working hard towards equality but in that we have become much more male in our expression. Your comment on men commenting towards women on ‘wanting it both ways’ is essential as it shows that both men and women have lost their way on the subject of equality. Could it be that this started by women not claiming their true expression in the process of gender equality and that men have therefore never been asked by us to be in their natural and true tenderness and sensitivity.
Some really powerful points you make here Carolien, as the extent to which we have allowed sexism to continue within our society is truly questionable. How is it that it takes extreme cases of sexism or violence to occur before we as a society will stand up and say it has to stop. All the while continuing to allow sexism in humour, conversation and behaviour to continue. It just does not make sense. What you do present is that there can be another way and that it begins with each of us choosing self-responsibility, never holding back from voicing if we feel if something feels not ok. Lots to feel here and ponder on.
Hello Carolien, you make a great point or actually many great points about this topic. I grew up in a small country town where the obvious racial and sexual overtones weren’t present. But as you said there was still an underlying overtone to most things. It was a great place to live and grow up but at the same time many things I saw weren’t true to how I am as a man. It’s not that I need to go up to everyone now and ‘tell’ them what they are saying is sexist or racist but we need to start discussing why this ‘normalisation’ is present in our society and also the very real effect this is having on us all. The way we are towards each other may on some levels appear as though it has ‘improved’ but it would seem we are more divided as people towards each other. Through Universal Medicine I am not ‘out’ there telling everyone where they go wrong, I’m out there living in a way that shows us all there is another way, it’s not perfect but it’s true.
I agree Ray, it is not about going out and telling people they are wrong. It starts with acknowledging for ourselves what we have taken on as normal but actually is abusive. We need to nominate what it is and be willing to see it for what it is and why we have gotten to where we are today so we can change in it in how we live.
We have to be aware of the ‘if you can’t beat them join them’ attitude where we stop acknowledging what is wrong because we belief we cannot change it and thus suppress what we know and feel. This is part of how unacceptable behaviours and patterns become normalised.
I can feel this to be true in my every day life, there is often a tension that can be felt concerning relationships with men “still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.” Whilst I can feel it, I do not pander or get involved in it and it has improved my relationships with all men deeply. It feels to me to be on the main ways to break the cycle, we can all be responsible for how we choose to respond to sexism.
A fantastic blog Carolien exposing the depth of sexism and idealism we are influenced by without really understanding it. As I was reading this it actually felt expansive in my body, feeling a call to let go of deeply held values, telling myself it is ok to think in certain ways about people and women in particular.
We just need to look at some of the music videos we have today and we can see how far we have gone in accepting this as normal- the sexualisation of women and the violent and aggressive stereotypes of men.
You are absolutely right Joshua, when I grew up there was no internet and TV was very innocent in that way. Allthough the sexist role models and misogony were strong in that time already. These days what kids are confronted with is absolutely horrifying when you think about it, TV, internet, music video’s. naked women on newspaper covers…and as a result how young boys and girls treat each other is completely out of control and the damage is showing in all the young adults with self-esteem, mental and emotional problems.
In fact sexism is so accepted as being ‘normal’ that the pressures that you grew up with Carolien are worse today than back then. Now with porn available on phones etc, the sexism is far wider and deeper than many care to realise and hitting us at a much younger age too!
So true Mary-Louise. Abuse in any form is so harming to men and women equally so.
This is a great question to ask in every area of our lives too – “does this actually feel true for me?”
I can feel why I hold back voicing that some kind of behaviour is wrong – I am up against the accepted “normal” behaviour. It’s like I am taking on everyone. This is not fun sometimes. In most circumstances this is at work too or in a common place where you are a part of, and if you’re not part of the “norm” you do not belong and you’re pushed.
I can say now that in the beginning it was hard but the more I keep accepting that being truthful is the norm – the easier it is.
I understand what you share here Rik, when you are in a group of people that all have accepted a certain culture or behaviour it can be daunting to offer a different view. Yet I have found that if we express without judgement more and more people are actually open to a new perspective.
It can be very common for women to feel that it is okay to have comments directed towards them, particularly about their appearance or body bits. Where were we when we accepted this as a compliment? In effect we encourage sexism to flourish. Carolien, thank you for bringing more awareness to this vast subject.
we have started to take it as compliment which is telling about our relationship with ourselves. But i also got to clearly see recently that men are confused about how to truly compliment a women in a respectful way and how to enjoy intimacy and compliment her looks without mixing in the sexist energy, images and ideas they too have been bombarded with while growing up. It shows how much healing and realisation is ahead of us as women and men to come back to joyful, respectful and loving relations. I would love to hear from some men on this subject!
Carolien, this is a very interesting article. In addition to the roles you speak of in society I also wondered how it was for you when the attitude of ‘sexism’ disguised as ‘liberalism’ seemed quite embedded and accepted in your country’s culture. You have already stated that you were shocked when you looked closer at sexism but were you also shocked at how deep it may have run in your country’s culture?
Francene, what shocked me most was not how deeply it was embedded but how blind we are to it. As we measure against extremes many things are deemed as acceptable. This is a clear indication of how far we have strayed from what is true and that cultures and societies like in Holland, where things are relatively good and most people are doing well, it is easy to get complacent. This is the biggest danger to us all as when things are basically ok, no extremes, pretty much everything going well…then what will incite us to change..to uncover the untruths that are in reality still rotting under the surface? If we do not acknowledge what is wrong then how can we heal the deeply embedded hurts that are today still driving most of us?
As a society we have accepted so many things as normal because the majority of people say it is. Sexism is one of these. It needs to be called out for the abuse it actually is and the harm it causes both men and women. Your blog exposes this lazy attitude a lot society has with just going along with the status quo and not asking themselves the question – does this actually feel true for me?
Hi Mary-Louise i love how your ‘grabbed the cow by the horns’ as we say in Dutch and nominated our sitting back as laziness. It really comes down to that as change does take effort and commitment. I spoke to a father of 3 young boys the other day and he completely agreed that we need to raise our children differently for them to know that this is not ok. And that boys need to be allowed to be in their natural tenderness. But only two sentences later he told me that he tells his boys to ‘man up’ regularly. So we do see what’s needed….but do we actually do what it takes to bring true change?
Hi Mary-Louise, I love how your ‘grabbed the cow by the horns’ as we say in Dutch and nominated our sitting back as laziness. It really comes down to that as change does take effort and commitment. I spoke to a father of 3 young boys the other day and he completely agreed that we need to raise our children differently for them to know that this is not ok. And that boys need to be allowed to be in their natural tenderness. But only two sentences later he told me that he tells his boys to ‘man up’ regularly. So we actually see and recognise what is needed….but do we actually do what it takes to bring true change?
Thank you Carolien for sharing your experiences on sexism in our society today. I can see that here in Australia it is rife and we have put up with so much, starting in our early years of school onward to adulthood. As was mentioned, advertising of all kinds of merchandise with partially clad women in a suggestive pose is common place and seems to have become acceptable. But what is the message sent to young women and boys? That it is OK for women to be treated as sex objects and if you don’t look a certain way that you are not beautiful or desirable enough? The teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are starting from the inside out.
What a great blog Carolien, it took me back to the feeling of a teenager and when I would get wolf whistled and how uncomfortable I would feel with this and thought that there was something wrong with me for feeling this way as most girls took it as a compliment. What we think we have to get used to is so far from the truth. If we can show the youth today that this is not acceptable by our example that would be a great gift for them.
Awesome article Carolien, and it’s horrific just how much we’ve been desensitised by the constant assault from the TV, the papers and magazines so that we accept as normal what is in fact completely abhorrent – how bad does it have to get before we say enough? We see it in media, but it starts in our families and relationships, how we treat our children and how they see us treating each other.
that is an interesting question Anne, for if we look at what is now normal in our media then it shows that we are constantly willing to push the boundaries just so we do not have to see the truth of what it is we have created and continue to allow.
What a great revelation you are offering here Carolien! Thank you*
This is great Carolien, and you’ve hit the nail on the head with your line here “because I was looking at the extremes and had learned to dismiss the less extreme incidents”, in other words it shows just how much we like to downplay or brush the little things under the carpet as if they don’t exist or have any impact. But it’s the little things that add up, and then explode becoming much more of an issue, which is what we have today in society whereby sexualising women is not only dismissed and regarded as the norm, but is also considered – by both sexes, as even being some form of flattery. Flattery that is used to feel elated and desired. And in such hollow need, open to abuse.
Caroline that was a great blog that has me feeling how much we as a society have allowed this to be normal. It’s shocking and totally unacceptable. You described so well how we become numb to these “little” sexualized behaviours, and don’t truly feel what a massive impact they are having. We block out how sensitive we are, it is unbelievable to us that people are finding this normal when our body is telling us the complete opposite.
we are (especially these days) bombarded with sexism from such an early age that it is very hard to stay true to what our body is telling us. I feel we need to become very honest about the impact and power of the media and start taking responsibility for what we allow here.
As I was reading your blog Carolien a part of me was denying the fact that misogamy and sexism have become a normalised behaviour in our society. However, as I kept reading I started to see the things that happen to me and even though they are very small, I have never spoken about them as it is just categorised as a ‘normal’ interaction. I can also see how I contribute as a woman to this game and can manipulate people to get them to lift me up by saying something about how I look, which is me contributing to what we have normalised in our society. When I do this I am hardening my tenderness, delicateness and sweetness as a woman, because I am not realising that I am enough just for being me, this is something I really need to connect too. So Carolien you have given me a lot to feel into and I feel like I have opened a box that has been closed, sealed and locked for some time.
Madeline, i went thorugh the same process and i feel many will feel the same initially, this is why it is so important to keep speaking up and pointing it out so that the initial impulse to not look deeper can be passed by and the connection of how it truly feels and is can be made.
Carolien, I wish this article was front page news every day till until we all understand how deeply harming misogyny and sexism is. “The reason I thought we did not have deeply embedded problems in our society was because I was looking at the extremes and had learned to dismiss the less extreme incidents.” When we realise it is the less extremes that add fuel to the fire and in many cases cause the more extreme incidents we will eventually look to what we allow in society to go by unnoticed.
Carolien, you are so on the pulse of why such issues of sexism and misogyny still exist so rampantly today. We have ‘normalised’ such behaviour, though every single one of us knows that it is not right. And as such, we have allowed ourselves to be polluted by it to the core of how we live. How horrendous it is –what we’ve allowed – and for so long, that such behaviours continue to be endemic to our societies.
I also grew into womanhood taking groping from men and objectifying remarks about myself as a woman, and other women, as ‘par for the course’. Yes, I spoke up, and was known to do so in many circles… BUT I didn’t bring the true power I know today to such instances. I attribute this to the dull acceptance of the normalisation of such behaviour I’d already begun to lose myself to, to preferring a need for acceptance and being liked over the absolute truth. This is most certainly not my way today.
Thank-you for opening up the conversation, and offering a true ‘stop’ for us to look more deeply at just what is going on, and the sheer scale of it. Our eyes can become veiled through our own wilful denial all to readily. For our societies to truly move forward, this simply must not happen.
You are so right Carolien. This is a very important subject that shouldn’t be swept under any rug. It is time to stop silently excepting this abusive behaviour because that’s exactly what it is. Thank you for speaking up.
Carolien, this is a great blog. Recently I had a discussion with another female on sexism in the workplace and the role the media and ourselves play in this. It is a huge subject with much ingrained from both genders. Your awareness from personal experience is key to us asking some different questions. Thank you for opening the discussion.
Lovely Carolien I love your straight forward words!!!! You wrote: “there is no level of sexism that could be seen as ‘harmless fun’.” – it is so sad that we as human beings are living this as a normal way to be!!!! Because we as women have allowed this to happen so we have to make the world aware that there is no “harmless fun” in sexism!!!! So thank you Carolien for doing exactly this with your strongly written blog.
Thank- you Carolien for bringing it back to the fact that we are tender, delicate beings – equally so as men and women. We are living so far from this truth and this is so obvious in the way we have sexualised our bodies and allowed certain behaviours – it’s time we stop and feel just how much this deeply hurts us all. How it detracts from tract, connection and true intimacy. It’s time to point out and stop any sexism or misogyny that we see on a daily basis – to use our voices, choices and actions in a way that does not allow this deviation from our tenderness to prevail.
The extremes of such sexist behaviours are always highlighted in our society but it is the everyday behaviours which we have come to consider as being normal which we need to challenge. I feel the best way to do this is for us women to acknowledge and live our sensitivity, femininity, sacredness everyday so we can reflect this to those around us. Thank you Carolien for bringing this to our attention.
Thank you Carolien for raising this important subject, I feel we live in extremely sexist times. In society we even sexualise our children and objectify them; it feels like there is no community responsibility, the notion that all children are our responsibility.
How concerning is it that misogyny is so normalised that people don’t even think there is a problem. It just shows how ingrained and how much it is apart of everyday life. Very sneaky stuff…Only by everyone, each woman and man, calling it out and recognising it can a change come about though. So thank you for this Carolien.. The instances you have described are definitely not small instances. Nothing like this should happen and it just shows how apparent it all is.
P.S I liked how you wrote about what women and men can do to help change it all. Both times you used ‘we’ and it was really encompassing for both and made it so we are all a part of it and not one sex against the other. Just something to change for all of us.
It is as if we are ‘primed’ at a very young age to accept this abuse as normal by way of messages that we are fed through media and other cultural channels that subtly and evil-ly whisper to us that this is what we are – objects to be looked at, desired and owned which we allow by way of wanting to be recognized and identified. Even if our initial reaction is one of ‘annoyance’ we are still responsible for allowing it all to be because we do not see it for the abuse that it is. I’m sure it would alarm even the most kind-hearted and loving person to know that perhaps even a faint whisper of this conditioning is at play within them. Thank you Caroline for calling this abuse out so that we are able to see it for what it actually is; NOT-LOVE.
What a great blog. I can see how I was also part of the illusion around sexism. What I have accepted over the years has indeed been very harmful. Any part of sexism, minor or extreme, is not acceptable. This is awesome to bring awareness to the illusions I held onto and believing that they were normal. I have been inspired to ponder on what else I have been blinded by and have accepted as being normal. Thank you Carolien.
Yes an awesome blog Carolien, and I too like Chan have been pondering on my part in all of this over the years and how I have held another/others in that sexist way through a look or with words to another. And on reflection, I could have only done that if I wasn’t truly feeling myself and the other as the amazing people that we naturally are, first.
This is a brilliant article Carolien and a very important topic to bring to the light. I find it truly inspiring how you began to question if there was sexism in your life and began to then discuss this with the woman you knew. And how you felt what was true for you, made the choice to address this and say ‘no’ and to not allow this for yourself and then share this truth with others. It is frightening to feel that as a society we have allowed behaviors such as sexism to develop into a ‘normal’ part of our existence. This is a powerful point – ‘Both boys and girls, men and women have gotten caught in this increasingly sexualised game and the extremes are growing more and more obvious, leading to very unnatural behavior, if you consider how delicate and sensitive we really are. But in a world where sensitivity is not accepted, we have become so hardened in our ‘liberal society’ that it takes really awful things for us to see and feel the extremes which keep spiraling downwards.’ Your experience has reflected to us how when we are connect to our truth we simply cannot allow abuse or sexism to be a normal way of living.
Thank you Caroline for bringing this to the fore. I have too been misled by what we deem normal in our society and wasn’t aware of how very deeply ingrained sexism and misogyny are into our behaviours and daily living. It is indeed time to look a bit closer and feel a bit deeper where our true tenderness and self worth lie to slowly unravel the harshness and enormous contempt we have allowed to rule our lives.
Thank you Caroline, yes, it is what we have accepted as normal that is the crunch… The way we accept the levels of stress at work, the way we accept the separation and lack of true interaction in society, etc etc and it is only through articles like this that present a totally different perspective indeed, a different reality, will people have the opportunity to have their eyes opened, and some very old paradigms shifted.
Gosh after reading your comment Chris I have just realised that there are so many things that we accept as normal that are harming to our bodies, such as making our bodies feel exhausted, depressed, anxious, and the list goes on. However, the crunch is the fact that I feel when something is harming yet I do not stop and say this is ab-normal and it is not ok.
Thank you Carolien for opening up this great discussion. I feel women have a great deal of responsibility for showing men how they like to be treated. When we are in a relationship with a man we seek tenderness and sensitivity but we watch the movies, have read the magazines and books of the tough macho He man who throws the girl over his saddle and rides off into the sunset. I feel it is very confusing for men to match up to the macho image and at the same time be loving and tender. We all have a responsibility to stand up and say what is not acceptable or normal or our children and grandchildren will faced with the consequences.
Normalising sexism or any other behaviour is like an illness in itself when we stop to feel and consider the ramifications of it. Normalise obesity and focus on lap band surgery to relieve it. Normalise violence and create family violence leave allowances for employees (namely women) to deal with it when it happens!! Your sharing Carolien is so important and is just the beginning of a much greater expose of the harm of normalisation.
Absolutely Brenadette, normalisation is widespread across many areas of our lives. And the boundaries of what is excessive and what not keeps being pushed forward so that we do not have to face the truth of where we are in our society, our health and inter human relations today.
Carolien, We have accepted so many things as normal, that have lost sight of what normal should really be esp. with Sexism and our liberal society’. I remember growing up and feeling uncomfortable with certain comments or looks from boys and men but thought that was the way they were; and sometimes I would react to it and over time just accepted that not-normal behaviour as normal! In recent years, this has changed, thanks to living inspirations around me through Universal Medicine showing a more loving way of honouring us.
What should be normal needs re-definition and I love yours at the end when you share that men and women are immensely tender, sensitive, open and delicate. If we lived feeling those qualities in us, we would be respecting and honouring another being.
Carolien, “I was looking at the extremes and had learned to dismiss the less extreme incidents” – this is such a great insight. So many times in our lives the extremes are becoming more extreme and we stop being shocked by what is now not quite so extreme while in the past it would have taken us a while to get over it.
Other examples are obesity, number of people we know with cancer, religious violence and so on.
This blog hit me really hard, in that it exposes all the little things men do to a woman, even the ones we seldom notice at all.
We all keep accepting sexism and its many abuses because we draw a line between extremes and lesser examples, but we are really supporting the existent of sexist abuse by accepting any of it.
It really takes articles like yours Carolien that bring forth the reality check of where society is at. There are sooooo many things that have happened along the way in my life that I have brushed off because I’ve believed and accepted it to be normal. Speaking up about the ‘small’ stuff would cause more problems than it was worth, so keeping quiet has always been the more favourable option…the easier option. It’s really crazy how much we actually choose to accept, and how often we override our feelings to blend in.
Absolutely Elodie and what I feel we do by staying in the comfort of brushing it off and not wanting to stir things up we have actually said “this is acceptable’ and worse … made those who did speak up look like hysterical or exaggerating just so our comfort would not get disturbed. I know I have done this for a very long time before I was willing to face reality.
Thank you Carolien for starting the conversation on such a huge topic in our societies. Sexism and misogyny is rife where-ever we look….particularly in the media. This reminded me of many instances growing up, even at school boys asking me very inappropriate questions about how I would like to have sex… just to see my reaction. And in one of my jobs when I was younger, the Manager thought nothing of taking me into a room and showing me his pornography collection, with a smirk on his face, offering if I wanted to watch any. This is absolutely not acceptable but the biggest wrong is how, as women and young girls, we are made to feel bad, embarrassed or silly for not going along with it. I can see how necessary it is, for this to be spoken about around the dinner table, at school, in the media etc etc so that this is no longer seen as normal or ‘just how it is’.
On reading your blog Carolien I realized that I too have ‘grown up believing sexism in society is normal’ and have ‘learned to dismiss less than extreme incidents’ of sexism. The sadness that I feel in my body is huge as all of the memories of sexism I have experienced and witnessed since childhood come flooding back to me. And equally devastated in the knowing that while I resist living in the fullness of the all-powerful woman I am, that I contribute to the continuation of this gross inequality between men in women. There is much here for me to ponder – thank you Carolien.
As a man I have experienced that it is normal to abuse women. Especially the way men talk about women when the blokes get together. The slang and disregard for the value that women have. It was expected of me to join in with the bloke talk. It was all about impressing the other men and putting on the tough guy image. This is the norm and is a very destructive environment. The men all harden and then the abuse leads to each other.
It is time for the talk to be acknowledged as abuse for that is what it is and not seen as humour. There is nothing funny about abuse.
You are so right Daniel – there is so not anything funny about abuse, no matter in what form it arrives.
A very powerful expose of how insidious sexism is today, even in “liberal” cultures. Carolien you have hit the nail on the head about how our beliefs such as “I live in a liberal culture” can mask the ugly truth, that sexism is pervasive and that many women are being abused and accepting the abuse as “normal”. Let’s call for a new normal.
It’s amazing how normalised sexualisation and sexism really has become. What’s also amazing to read, so many amazing comments here speaking up and out about it and claiming there is another way!
Hi Katherine, I agree, but what is also great is that all the testimonies actually are proving how widely spread and deeply damaging sexism is to both men and women. All the sharing to me underpin the need for change and the feeling from the comments is that we know that it is up to us all to make this change in how we live, interact and communicate in every day.
The first thing to call to account is that these action are not normal.
The only reason why sexism can quietly existent in our ‘liberal societies’ is the simple fact that people see them as normal or no ‘big deal’.
It is is interesting that ‘liberal’ is often used to indicate that a society is some how modern, and tolerant, that it is developed and does not need to look at any issues, because in the law it says that men and women are equal. How this actually plays out is very different “…in my ‘liberal’ society there was not a single woman who had not experienced some form of sexism or inappropriate sexual behaviour,” ‘liberal’ often feels to me to indicate more apathy, arrogance and ignorance that tolerates insidious abusive behaviour because everyone is allowed to ‘express’ themselves. How about expression with responsibility, ground breaking hey! Thank you for a brilliant thought provoking blog.
Beautiful Samantha.
It is amazing what dysfunction, abuse and falsehood we normalise just because it happens all the time or that our community as a whole accepts this. Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it is right. Respecting our nature as Carolien beautifully describes “immensely, tender, sensitive, open and delicate” is our norm, that has strayed so far away from itself that sexism is so common place it is not questioned. Time for change for sure, through our own awareness and saying no, that is just not acceptable anymore.
This is a fantastic blog Carolien. And coming from your perspective and experience from so-called ‘liberalism’ exposes how ingrained this social and global issue really is.
So very well said, Carolien. I had never realized , until I started the esoteric breast massage, how much I have been abused, because sexism is so normalized and I didn’t know any different. Now I am chocked and rattled about how much of that abusive behavior was all around me, all my live, and how ingrained it is in our psyche. The esoteric way of live that Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are presenting is the only way I know that really addresses all aspects of live that are harmful, including the most subtle hinds of sexism, and I’m grateful for that. I , and humanity, can learn to bring back love and harmony.
I can fully relate to what you are sharing Regina. Although I knew many experiences I had were not loving, and deep down I knew there was sexism and exploitation, I was not quite aware of the effect it had overall on me, as I was seeing it like the ‘norm’, too. No more though thankfully, working with Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine has shown a truly loving way to be with myself now as well as with others. And any sexism or such thing has no longer any place.
Beautiful blog Carolien. It is so true that sexualisation is so normal that I, like you, sometimes not see it. When I read your blog I suddenly realised that a lot of things that happen around me between some men and women are so governed by this ‘game’ of sexualisation. I could feel I actually had a belief in my mind that all men are only sexualising me. I can now feel that that is not true. I also realised that the responsibility doesn’t just belong to men, but that we all have a responsibility in the sexualisation in society being the way it currently is. By seeing it as normal and not speaking up, I was actually supporting it. Thank you for this blog, it really opened my eyes to this subject.
There is nothing normal about sexism or any other of abuse against women or men.
I agree Elizabeth, we are all divine from our nature and any abuse is not accpetable.
I am totally with you Carolien. You have beautifully expressed how sexism really is in our society. I have wondered where on the planet does sexism not exist and there is no-where. It doesn’t matter where we live: Iceland to New Zealand, the Americas to Asia: women are subjected to sexual innuendo, groping and more violent forms of sexual assault. On a visit to Israel, I was walking past the ‘wailing wall’ and a young man walking in the opposite direction stopped in front of me and groped a breast and while visiting Rome: being groped on a bus on the way to the Vatican. Your blog has made me aware that any form of misogyny IS sexual assault. There is nothing normal or acceptable about a ‘wolf’ whistle, a verbal sexist comment or a touch that is not verbally invited.
This is a great blog Carolien exposing the normalisation of abuse. Abuse happens for the first time – it is a shock, and possible the 2nd by the third it is a pattern of behavior that suddenly is no longer shocking and starting to become normal. Problem is when we don’t stop and continue to take those steps away we end up living in an age where sexism and misogyny is considered normal.
I agree with you wholeheartedly Penny – “The highly sexualised nature of advertising, magazine and video clips just to name a few, desensitise us all to the true harm that misogony and sexism cause”.
I recently sat in a hairdressing salon where there was a TV constantly on in the background. I nearly fell off my chair when the channel was switched to a video/music channel – at first I thought it had been turned onto a porn channel – the performers had very little clothing covering any part of the body and the ‘dancing movements’ were leaving no doubt about their highly sexually charged nature to manipulate people into buying it, using sex and the ‘good life’ to do so. Desensitising is causing a huge ‘giving and and numbing out quality’ Worldwide. I too used to be part of this numbness until I began ‘waking up’ after hearing presentations by Serge Benhayon to what is really going on.
A great piece of writing Carolien. What really struck a chord with me was the line ‘The reason I thought we did not have deeply embedded problems in our society was because I was looking at the extremes and had learned to dismiss the less extreme incidents.’ As a society we all have done this as is evidenced by what is seen as normal in media today. The highly sexualised nature of advertising, magazine and video clips just to name a few, desensitise us all to the true harm that misogony and sexism cause. We see anything less than extreme as mild or totally harmless and in that dismissal further harm the truly sensitive person who has experienced it. There is another way, one that supports and celebrates the fact that we are all super sensitive. The more that we can live this, the more that people can feel they don’t have to hide how much they are being hurt by what has been normalised.
well said Penny and what is interesting is what is considered extreme is changing all the time. The video’s we see from the music industry across all genres today would have been banned a mere 15 years ago. The same with all other media. We apparently need to keep pushing the boundaries but in order to keep fooling ourselves and numbing ourselves, instead of noticing what is going on and changing our ways we simply accept it as normal so we do not have to think to reply about it or, put in effort to change.
This is important what you are saying here Caroline. It exposes the fact that rather than addressing the issue, we as a society are merely changing the goal posts to give the illusion that things are not as bad as they seem.
There is no love and equality in sexism, only an us and them mentality that seeks to keep us separate from ourselves and each other.
I enjoyed your blog Carolien, it feels very familiar for me. As you say in the comments “We as women have collectively taken on the idea that being sensitive and tender is somehow wrong and that we need to toughen up and not over react.” I know this to be true because as a young women this has actually been said to me – You have to
toughen up and stop over reacting. As said in the comments – bring on the new normal.
What struck me about your article Caroline was your point that because we have lost our sensitivity we can only feel that something is wrong when it is more extreme. This feels very disturbing to me and encourages me to look more deeply at what is truly going on. Is it OK to champion a liberal society that de-sensitises us all to the fact that sexism and misogyny is normal?
Great point you have raised Karen – my sense is that if we all don’t call out what we see and ‘feel’ is not OK, then what we accept in society as ‘normal’ can become more and more de-sensitised. We tend to accept more and more and become immune to what was perhaps seen as shocking 20, 10 or 5 years ago, is now not as shocking. It is ‘all’ of our responsibility to stand up for what is sexist and misogynistic behaviour, both men and women’s responsibility.
When we connect and feel energy, there is no gender shape or size but a beautiful essence, of equal quality and light. In this way we come to see we are all the same. Its beautiful to be one of many who are beginning to live life, respecting energy. Its is only in and through this awareness that I feel we will live life free from sexism and abuse you describe Carolien.
Very true Joseph, that is the only way to heal sexism.
Thank you Rachel, i am too still uncovering more layers on this subject. What struck me as i read your comment was that we as women have collectively taken on the idea that being sensitive and tender is somehow wrong and that we need to toughen up and not ‘overreact’ There was a time when women’s sensitivity was called hysteria. You, and me and many women out there claiming that our sensitivity and tenderness is actually natural and a strength, and supporting other women in coming back to this, is an important part of turning the tide.
I agree Ariana, there’s a very holding energy in being sensitive, but it needs to be claimed and embodied. If I’m measuring my sensitivity or my delicateness with others it feels as if it’s easier to get effected by any harshness that’s outside of me.
i agree Ariana and Matts, yet i feel it is not our sensitivity in itself that hurts us but the way we have used it to invest, sympathise, and/or react in and to the world around us.
I just came across your comment again Ariana and I was reminded of how much I have told myself to ‘man up’ as well. To work as a woman in the Hotel industry I felt I had to be a woman on the outside and a man on the inside. I had completely misinterpreted what it meant to be strong and powerful. I now know my delicacy and tenderness to be a strength and my ability to love and let people in my power.
Wow, great blog Carolien and the comments too.
I feel I need to stop and look even deeper into this issue. Most of us seem to have subscribed to this lie in some way, I know I have in the past by saying and doing nothing. I know that I can’t watch a lot of those comedy shows on TV anymore because of the really quite blatant put downs of women by men and also, it must be said, of women by other women and of men by women, slotting each into a familiar stereotype so there is no room for uniqueness or the beauty of each to shine and inspire.I have wondered, could that be to protect ourselves from being hurt, or are we perhaps a little afraid or ashamed to shine the beautiful light we each truly are as we might stand out amongst so many choosing not to?
This blog touches on so many issues that are affecting us, and it has so many layers to unfold I will read it again and again.
What I am aware of right now is the fact that liberalism seems to offer such a level of “freedom” that we do not think to question it, especially when we compare it to the atrocities that are occurring in repressive and totalitarian regimes around the world. After all, are we not so much better off than those women – how can we complain about the odd grope, comment, and look that sizes us up like a piece of meat at a barbecue?
And so we shut down progressively, claiming how lucky we are as we lose touch with such a loveliness that is so delicate it is easily dismissed, and trampled like a tiny flower.
What I am also recalling is how often I have been told I am too sensitive and overreacting. I used to be ashamed of this – what I now know is my greatest strength, ny sensitive awareness of all that is not true, not appropriate and not love.
Thank you Carolien. There will be more comments from me on this issue.
Not so long ago here in Australia our first female Prime Minister was subjected to relentless sexist and misogynist remarks from the leader of the opposition and all areas of the media. I remember hearing other women condoning this behaviour. This indicates to me there is such a long way to go. Your article generates important conversation. The work of Universal Medicine has assisted me to look within at some long held attitudes that I have carried around that haven’t supported me or any fellow women. Thank-you Carolien.
Thanks Caroline, your blog really shows how controlled we actually are by the ideals and beliefs of society that when bought into on a large scale becomes a consciousness that owns us. That is until we become aware of what is really going on and make a conscious choice to change.
I read a beautiful blog the other day that stated that girls exposed to sexism have much greater risk at developing low self-esteem, eating disorders and depression. If we look at the extend of sexism in every culture then we can safely say that the vast majority of girls and young women are exposed to sexism. These are our future mothers, teachers, doctors, wives etc. I am sure if we were to study the effect on boys and young men and their natural sensitivity and tenderness, the same results would show. If we really stop and ponder on this, could we ever again say that something is insignificant, or not such a big deal? Should not every hint of sexism be eradicated from our lives?
I agree Carolien even the tiniest sexist reference is a big deal and shouldn’t be tolerated. We condone this behavior when we stand by and let it happen or turn a blind eye. We are complicit in our silence with much harm caused to ourselves and others.
Absolutely Madeline, although I would say that it is not that they can’t see but that admitting to it would ask such a level of responsibility and integrity in our behaviour and use of words that many are simply not willing to go there.
I wonder if the people who say there is no sexism or misogyny in their society, have just come to see the sexist comments and actions around them as normal and therefore they can’t see it or categorize it into sexism or misogyny.
Sexism is yet another example of the lack of respect being expressed in society
Great blog Carolien – I have bought into this ‘normal’ sexist behaviour and I’ve carried a level of anger towards men just under the surface because of it – another contraction away from myself and men because of this – thank you for helping me call this out.
Wunderbar what you expose here so clearly about sexism and misogyny. My whole life was about sexism and misogyny and so I shut myself down. I cut the true sexy woman out of my life as a protection. Now I allow myself to be more the true woman I am and don’t hold back even my sexiness and that is so healing. Our society needs real role models to show what true sexiness is and that this is not something about being sexual. This is a difference and needed to be address as well to change all the ingrained ideals and behaviors about sexism and misogyny.
Well said Carolien. It seems as a society we can be fooled into thinking actions and behaviours are fair on everyone just because there is a level of ‘freedom’ in the choices we can make. But we are not truly free in these societies if the harm that is being caused is hidden by the so accepted normal behaviours
Thank you Joshua, I love how you word that a level of freedom seems to be an ok for all kinds of behaviour as long as it is not to excessive and that excessive is the norm for what harms. True harm is much deeper and less obvious then we for a long time have been willing to admit.
Awesome article, Caroline!! The normalization of sexism in society is ripe and so normalized that women and specifically young women are self-objectifying now big time, calling it free choice! Motivated by Miley Cyrus & Co and the whole music industry the motto that sex sells has become the standard of female expression. The singer Annie Lennox called this “being the pimp and the prostitute at the same time” and the only thing that counts are the youtube hits.
The desperation, emptiness and abuse is horrendous and it is time to expose how women are manipulated into this self-objectification starting to live sexism as normal and calling it free choice.
Carolien thank you for bringing forwards the issue of sexism – your experience of sexism in a so called liberal society to me is also saying ‘well if it is here in Holland where else is it in the world?’. Scratch the surface of most places and sexism is alive and well , which means it is accepted by the majority, our silence is complicit. Both men and women are less because of sexism. I have heard women degrade men with a sense of retaliation to hurt them, lacing one man (usually) with the resentment and bitterness with the accumulation of past hurts felt from all the men that had treated them as less for being a woman. To be on the receiving end of this as a man must feel so horrible that it could only further justify sexist attitudes. I also know firsthand as a woman how awful it feels to be objectified and sent the underlying message from men that my value as a woman was how willing I was to objectify myself sexually. I have been in touch with myself enough as a woman to feel this as awful and not okay, yet not confident enough in myself as a woman to not feel enraged, hurt and disheartened by the game I felt I would have to play and at times did play in order to gain the attention of men. I have seen when a woman claims herself as the natural woman she is – she is sexy, that to say– women are naturally, already sexy. How simple could the sexism issue be if women were able to leave behind the cycle of having their self-worth challenged by sexism? What if women were to stop the behaviours that reinforce sexual objectification? I have found when I participate and objectify myself sexually it is often followed by unconscious or conscious self-loathing and further diminishing self-worth – it is a bit like an inner protest against what I am doing to myself while sadly punishing myself for participating as well. If we look a little deeper as a society at sexism I am certain men and women can be equally liberated from it. Neither men nor women are to blame for sexism yet we are all responsible for its perpetuity around the world either by engaging with it directly or not seeing and speaking up about the extent of the damage it is having on how men and women feel about themselves and the consequences therefore on our relationships, families and careers to mention just a few obvious arenas that sexism abounds today.
” Neither men nor women are to blame for sexism yet we are all responsible for its perpetuity around the world either by engaging with it directly or not seeing and speaking up about the extent of the damage it is having on how men and women feel about themselves and the consequences therefore on our relationships, families and careers to mention just a few obvious arenas that sexism abounds today. ” …… here here Deanne so well expressed, thank you.
Well said!! I have often heard women and men say something along the lines of ‘don’t make a big thing out of it’ or ‘it’s just a joke’ but if we truly looked at how it feels and the spiralling effect it is having on each generation we would all stand up and put a stop to it.
What you have written is so true Laura. Putting up with blatant sexism, is affecting not only us, but as we are making it the “norm”, it will continue to affect each generation to come. I love that so many are now taking a stand and saying – stop, this is not normal, it is time for a change!
Its amazing what we consider normal for boys and girls/ men and women now when we look at the overly sexualised way that we look at them now in society. I didn’t grow up with girls my age, at the age of 7, and expect these beautiful girls to become sexualised at the age of 11 or 12, as I remember it now. It was such a shock to me when i really considered the damage that has occurred. and this has happened to almost EVERY girl and boy when they grow up.
What has gone wrong?
Thank you Carolien for this great article. I remember as a young women working with mostly men thinking that I had to accept all sort of comments and behaviours, mostly to fit in and not rock the boat. I had developed a way to protect myself from the clear discomfort that I was feeling when confronted by any kind of sexist or misogynistic behaviours. I masculinised my own appearance, to keep any of that behaviour away from me and to be “one of the boys.” I can feel now that all I was doing was condoning this behaviour through not allowing myself to speak up, but also by not being and claiming the women that I know myself to be.
Thank you Carolien, this is a great expose on how we have normalised and even championed sexism and misogyny — without us realising this. We have settled for so much less than what we truly are as men and women and how we can truly interact with each other. But as a consequence of having normalised these subtle and not subtle forms of sexism, as women we tend to walk around guarded, not being in our true and natural tenderness as a woman. Similarly for a man, he is not encouraged from a young age to be naturally gentle and tender because that doesn’t fit the picture of a ‘man’… and so what we have are men and women walking roles instead of who they are, and interacting with each other more as objects than real people. Opening our eyes to this and seeing it for what it really is, is a huge and important step to turning this around.
It is great you are commenting on such an avoided topic. It feels to me that sexism and misogyny is the pink elephant in the room, we all know it’s there, but no one is willing to talk about it, because to ‘solve’ the issue, means really looking at ourselves and our part that we play in accepting behaviours that then become ‘normal’. Let’s make a new normal.
Suzanne, this is great – having more awareness of the ‘pink elephant’ in the room regarding behaviours around sexism and misogyny has certainly shown me where I have chosen to accept this as ‘the way it has always been’. Since attending Universal Medicine presentations and reading the student blogs and comments – this is no longer possible –
Now, I am really looking at my part in these behaviours and beginning to speak up to bring a ‘new normal’.
This is a great expose’ Carolien, I particularly like your point that sexism causes us to contract away from our true tenderness and delicateness.
Carolien you have beautifully exposed the insidious nature of what ‘normalization’ will do within a society. The place to which the boundaries of our ideals and beliefs has traveled, is so far removed from what a loving human-being knows that it is not ever acceptable. You would have to consider the process of ‘normalization’ as a most destructive means to our ‘moral fiber’, operating ever so silently in the background.
Dear Carolien, thank you for addressing this topic here.
Sexism is in our daily lives as gestures, words, looks and even thoughts. It can be found every where – on the street, at work, even in partnerships. The point is that we have allowed Sexism to become a normal. We just think we got used of it – though we actually know and very well feel – how much harm it brings with it.
But that’s the game we play – both women and men.
It is good to get aware and address this game, to further develop why we are playing it.
So true, Carolien. What I have accepted all along as ‘normal’ in our society as I grew up are actually denigrating and abusive to women, and the ‘normal’ seems to be getting more and more abnormal. It is with this numbness towards the abuse and disrespect, we are educating, parenting our children as a current generation. Thank you for your article. Definitely a time to call this out.
Thank you Carolien! I can very much relate to what you are expressing here so clearly. Sexism was something I accepted as normal in my life as well, it is like I had become numb to it and it wasn’t showing on my radar anymore. Even though every time it occurred something cringed in me and I shrunk. It feels really good to express about it and come out of this contraction!
So very true Carolien, it’s amazing to feel how much we have allowed to be ‘normal’ when in actual fact it is not. For men and women to treat each other with full respect means not including any type of sexist remarks or behaviours at any time.
When I for example work with men, I notice the difference in men when I don’t engage in their ‘jokes’ with sexual innuendo. It somehow puzzles them, and I can see it also makes them more quiet in themselves. They get reflected they don’t have to be in a certain way, they don’t have to perform and above all they can feel themselves and what this way of interacting does to them!
great reflection Simone, it shows how what we choose for ourselves is what makes the difference. It is all too easy to say that something outside of us needs to change first (i.e. society, ‘the men’, advertising etc) but in truth if we refuse to play ball with it and stand strong for what we feel is true that already brings forth great change.
We, unfortunately, still have a very long way to go to change the fact that “sexism” is somewhat accepted as a “social norm.
It is indeed very inspiring to witness people who have been inspired by Serge Benhayon who “choose not to normalise so-called ‘liberal’ sexual behaviours,” It is wonderful that there are people choosing a different way, and who are laying imprints and foundations for others to step into if they so choose.
Awesome, this is great. How horrible it is that these things are normal. At school it was completely normal to be sleeping around, making sexual comments to each other, groping etc.. There was what I thought was a limit but the limits were so extreme it wasn’t ever considered how even the more subtle…but not really subtle at all, things were completely ok in society. I always felt there was something wrong with this.. But when you can see no one else showing another way this is what I came to accept. It’s only now that I am no longer going to accept this and hopefully together we can all make a change..
Thanks Carolien for your blog exposing the truth around sexism. Up until recently I too thought that sexism was normal and just the way it was. I have since through the inspiration of Universal Medicine have come to understand energy and through feeling energy, felt that this is an energy that is degrading and harmful. If we bring it all back to energy and feel what it feels like in our body, it doesn’t feel great. So why have we allowed this, just because that is what it seems as though everyone does? Perhaps through the development of our own relationship with ourselves in a tender and loving way, we will no longer accept that sexism is ‘normal’.
“The simple truth is that even though in most modern/liberal societies men are more and more willing to say women are equal, underneath that there is still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.” What is happening underneath and also what is being condoned by silence is what is apparent to me. So often less obvious moments of sexism are condoned as not significant or and not an issue, but if you look at it as a momentum what do we endorse by saying nothing. This is not about bad and good, men are lost in this as much as women, the end result of sexism is lack of true connection, no one benefits them that. Great article, an inspiration and great how it challenges deeply established beliefs in ‘liberal’ society.
Sexism feels very harmful to both men and women, yet it has been normalised as you have shared Carolien, when we accept it and choose to numb ourselves in feeling its abuse. Once going up an escalator, there was a young lady in front of me wearing a very short coat with bare legs. A group of young men were coming down the escalator on the other side. This group of men all looked at the lady in front of me as she was passing them, all focused on her legs–and when she has passed by, made the comment “It is like tree trunks”, meaning her legs are not slim. And this was done in such normalcy–but is it truly normal?
Hi Carolien – “The Shocking Normalisation of Sexism and Sexual Behaviour” – isn’t this the clear showcase of how much we all scream for true intimacy. It might seem as the shallow way is easier but it’s just a way that sustains itself by us reproducing it – and really this is not what we want.
I’ve come to the conclusion that true equality come first from us finding equality within ourselves, ie not comparing ourselves to anyone else and not wanting what others have just because it seems fair and just. Sometimes it seems that equality is measured and reached when the two sides has equal of what ever they seek to be equal about without actually discerning if that is actually good for us in the first place. Looking from a woman’s perspective – Having what men have doesn’t make it automatically good, because men’s health isn’t at it’s peak so there is obviously something about us men that needs to be closely looked at. If women were to bring all of their splendour into the male dominated world I’d be the first to welcome it, but for women to become like men is not my top preference.
It is so true that we often tend to write off sexist comments as normal or ok, when in fact it is not ok and does open the path to an escalation of this type of behaviour.
Thank you Carolien, a powerful blog exposing the issue of sexism in society. It feels so disempowering as a woman to be treated as a sexual object and not valued for who you truly are. We all have a responsibility to call out this abuse when we see it and empower others to know this type of behaviour is unacceptable.
What a great blog Carolien. I can relate to once thinking that sexism wan’t that big a deal… but when we really explore what sexism actually is, how common it is and how it effects us every day – we can begin to feel and see just how big a problem it is. When the ‘smaller’ issues are brushed off or made insignificant, it creates an environment where the ‘bigger’ issues can occur.
Well worded Brooke “when the ‘smaller’ issues are brushed off or made insignificant, it creates an environment where the ‘bigger’ issues can occur” this is exactly why we need to be willing to look at every detail of these engrained behaviours and be willing to dig deep and be very honest. The brushing off is all too easy but has consequences we have for long not been willing to see.
I sit in a Managers meeting along with 4 other men and one woman, the comments I hear regarding sexism and stereotypes will take some time to change. However it is only through support for women in a meaningful (not patronising) way by men and equalising of the patriarchal dominance do I ever believe this can change. Mens actions – including my own, require plenty of attention to deliver any liberal society.
Great Blog Caroline. As a man I am constantly examining the extent to which I look at women sexually before anything else. Not that there is anything wrong with appreciating a woman’s sexuality, but more often than not I realise how it stops me from connecting to the true woman within, who is so much more than that. The secret to gender equality is not to see it as a fight for equality, but rather a process of unfolding our understanding and appreciation for what the other sex offers us by way of reflection within ourselves. We need to look beyond the mere physical expression of the sexes to understand their true worth.
Beautifully said Adam, and thank you for sharing that looking at a woman sexually stops you from connecting to the woman within and that it all comes down to appreciating the woman’s (and man’s) true worth.
Thank you Caroline. I have been thinking about this a lot recently as I’ve read about sexual violence against women across the globe. Your question on women looking at what we have bought into and how we have allowed this is one I find uncomfortable, but are important questions for us to explore.
“Sexism is a very big problem in our society today. It has exploded into a very worrying ‘normalised’ behaviour that is seriously affecting everyone, especially our youth.” – so true Carolien, when I read comments on FB for example or at times, hear a group of young people on the street talking, it is truly shocking how ‘acceptable’ this has become and how true tenderness for each other is missing in so many interactions… thank you for bringing it to the foreground so openly.
This is a great point you raise Carolien. Sexism is deemed as so normal that we see this form of behaviour even in our schools, young girls are growing up believing that this is acceptable behaviour.
If we do not start saying this is not ok what will this normal turn into?
It is as if the space between us is full up with these false ways of being that we have just ‘got used to’. To live as men and women free from all this junk – how would that be?
Because society will say something is ‘normal’ I have often turned a blind eye or been that way myself, despite how it feels. As you say Carolien I feel this harming ways of being, spread much further than we would think. Perhaps even into our ideas of what it is to be a man or a women, fundamentally? I feel we can all begin to change this all by speaking up, sharing how it feels when it happens and making love our foundation.
At the Universal Medicine events I have attended I have begun to feel free of these dynamics and feel supported to recognise them when they come up in my behaviour. Its such a gorgeous feeling to be met by another human being – why would I choose again to settle for anything less?
Yes Joseph, I agree this has seeped right into our belief of what it means to be a man or a woman and it is at this level that this issue needs to be recognised and addressed.
This blog made me realize how ingrained the sexism is in our society, I can feel how awful it is that no day does go by without hearing one sexist comment around me. It has become so normal. I can feel the responsibility we have to call it out.
For so long I made excuses for the behaviour of others particularly in the arena of sexualisation and sexual harassment in the name of liberal thinking, which really meant in the name of avoiding confrontation and toughening up against the way people treat each other.
Not any more – I am prepared to both say no to even the faintest hint of ugly behaviour and to show my sensitivity, which it turns out is a great strength!
Re-reading this blog over the past little while, has really brought so much more awareness to me that I am actually hearing any sexist comments etc which have been the ‘accepted normal’ for so long. It feels very uncomfortable in my body now.
It is highlighting just how numbed out I was to this previously and accepting it was just the normal way some people speak. Numbing out is just an open doorway inviting abuse to come in and the victim role to keep playing out.
Thank you Carolien for exposing this and bring a true healing possibility for all.
Sadly like many other words ‘Liberal’ can now be used by those who choose to irresponsibly act in abnormal and harming ways, all while maintaining a stranglehold of supremacy in that these behaviours cannot be erased because we are a ‘liberal society’ and that means freedom to choose how to act and speak to one another at the expense of the quality of human interactions and relationships. But as more and more people live in a certain quality of love, self-love, gentleness, tenderness, over and above the perceived meaning of certain words it is setting a mark for others to follow and see that the norms and ways of life are not ‘set in stone’ so to speak, they can change and we can make a difference.
What an extraordinary experience this is – to go from engrained beliefs of ‘no sexism’ – to being honest about what is really going on – and not standing for it.
It is amazing to read this blog again – and it shows me just how ‘normalised’ sexism has become – to the point that people don’t even know when it is happening. We’ve become desensitised to it – and that is so very sad. Yes – there is more equality today – but as you say so rightly ‘…there is still a consciousness of sexism and a deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.’
It is this sort of expression and more people speaking up that will help bring humanity’s awareness to the deep imbalance that still exists.
Sexism is all around human relations and yes we are told that this is normal, we are told that men are like that and that woman have to find their way around it, to play the game because this is the way you have to behave in society. Have we ever looked for another way, that sexism is not normal, that we can have equal relations between men and women without being larded with sexism but build on a basis of true equality and love? Therefore as the blog asks for, as men we have to look at the ideals and beliefs we have fallen for and take a honest look if this is true for us or not. I can feel from deep within that it is love and affection I am looking for, and that sexism and misogyny does not fit in to this equation. Sexism is a way to keep women and men in separation from each other while I can feel that we are all equal.
I was on a family outing yesterday to a travelling circus which traditionally, circuses have scantily clad women. The performances were fantastic but I couldn’t help feeling that the attire was a thing of the past it just seemed dated, or maybe we are slowly moving forward.
It is so important for the man to fully understand and feel the very beautiful, caring, deeply loving man that lives within us, underneath the facade of misogyny and raucous ‘banter’ which involves the degradation of women. For, once we connect to that part of us, it is impossible to behave in that demeaning way, and it is impossible for us to see women as anything other than the deeply beautiful and fragile wonders that they are.
Connor this is beautifully expressed about the true tenderness of the ‘inner man’ and the outer facade he hides behind as part of the accepted way to behave. Your own tenderness can be deeply felt on reading your comment- so very inspiring for men and women alike. Thank you!
I agree with you Stephanie, Conor reading your comment is stunning. If all boys were raised this way how different would all our interactions be? How important is it then that parents and the education system honours with absolute equality the tenderness of boys and girls alike? To be a man expressing with the understanding and care that you have is deeply healing for all. Thank you, Connor!
“Sexism is a very big problem in our society today. It has exploded into a very worrying ‘normalised’ behaviour that is seriously affecting everyone, especially our youth.” Thank you for highlighting this. It has indeed become very ‘normalised’ and is indeed very worrying.
Your excellent article set me reviewing my life and recognising the moments of sexist behaviour I still remember, Carolien, — from the guy who pinched my bottom on the metro, to the lorry driver who happened to catch sight of me walking home in the pouring rain with my light blouse almost transparent and clinging to my body. He waited outside my house for hours while I cowered inside ’til he gave up and drove away. It felt horrible and I was frightened, and yet I accepted it as normal male behaviour, and that somehow it was my fault. Now I realise that hiding away did not help, for while I played victim and didn’t speak out it attracted the behaviour more. These days and thanks to the support and teachings of Serge Benhayon and Women in Livingness workshops, I am learning to dress and express my whole self, including my sexuality, and I find I do not attract that sort of attention in the same way. I no longer need the identity of Women’s Lib because I am finding that just being myself myself allows me to be open to men in a way I never was before, and they respond in kind, gently and sensitively, and gender does not get in the way like it used to. There is mutual respect for each other as a man and a woman.
A beautifully honest and open assessment of the current situation in the world – thank you Carolien. We have laws that uphold the equality of men and women but this has not necessarily changed the underlying ideals and beliefs that are just below the surface and facade that hides the real truth. We need to begin again from a point of love and be open to admitting that things have not truly changed and then we can build a world that truly supports both men and women.
I rather look at the beauty a lovely lady radiates, and move on from thinking anything sexual about her.
Ouch! I can see my part in this too Alison. – “I know now that I have contributed to allowing sexism to continue by not speaking up and saying that how they just spoke to me was unacceptable”.
Gosh, I can relate to that one as well! It has been much easier in the past to brush comments off, or even ignore them but I can also see how not speaking up allows sexism and misogyny it to continue.
Sexism and Misogyny have become an accepted part of our culture but is is not normal and should never be accepted. I know in the past when I have had sexist comments made to me, I have either pushed them aside or laughed them off as it not being that bad. I know now that I have contributed to allowing sexism to continue by not speaking up and saying that how they just spoke to me was unacceptable.
As I was going up a long escalator to exit the tube today and, I was bombarded by the same image of a young woman in underwear. It was on both walls – right and left, repeated again and again. There must have been about 70 of them on one side alone. I find the sight of a sexy lady in underwear as alluring as many heterosexual males do, but recently I have become much more acutely sensitive to these images. They claim to advertise underwear, but are they not just spreading the image of an ideal woman and thus making other less confident women feel that they are not enough?! It also serves up the voyeurism that men are so accustomed to, that turns women into objects of attraction. 50 years ago images like this weren’t plastered in public. Men who wanted to ogle at women in underwear had to be ‘peeping toms’. This is a huge shift in our culture and an unhealthy one. The only thing that’s going to change this is if enough men say women are not mere objects and women express themselves through their true self worth.
I certainly used to think that ‘sexism is something I don’t contribute too nor does it effect me’
What is so apparent now is that this starts on the smallest of scales and can be how we allow someone to talk to us.
It all ladders up to the extremity of the situation.
I really appreciate this exposing here of what we’ve allowed and the responsibility we need to step up and take.
Thank you, Carolien. Recently I was notified about a petition requesting the removal of a tv show called “On the Pull”, providing advice for men on how to get women to sleep with them. The show is condoning not only the objectification of women but also aggression and violence towards them, one episode for example showing the host ‘choking’ a woman. Thankfully the show was cancelled, but it does beg the question – how bad does it need to get before we respond and say no more?
Carolien the point you make “if you consider how delicate and sensitive we really are” makes me consider a whole raft of things. Its very true that much of society is very extreme yet considered normal so it shows that I’ve not taken enough time to really appreciate and consider just how delicate and sensitive I am/we are. I saw it as normal growing up – as a part of life but in that I then didn’t see or honour the delicate and sensitive nature I am – otherwise I would not have seen it as normal. A great reflection.
Hello Carolien and thank you for a powerful article on a topic that needs urgent addressing. Normalisation of sexism is everywhere. As a teenager, if I was whistled at in the street I liked the attention and it gave me the recognition I was craving for. I know now that these “needs” came from emptiness. It is about time we nominate very clearly sexism and misogyny as evil.
Shocking indeed Mary that we use women to sell newspapers and others products in fact. This is totaly unacceptable and something our “liberal” societies have to address. Enough is enough.
Good point, Toni. Sexual abuse on any point of the scale is a power play and a need to ‘keep women in their place’. It’s horrible when expressed like that. Is it possible that this stems from the male’s low self-esteem and need to big note himself for an ego boost?
This got me wondering why some males feel so badly about themselves. What makes a man feel less than others so he turns around and tries to compensate for this by denigrating or subjugating females? Why is he comparing himself with anyone in the first place? And then the penny dropped. This competition for men starts at a very young age and is fuelled by their need to be seen as the biggest, strongest, fastest etc. Boys who join in are seen as ‘manly’, while the ones who are naturally tender and caring and choose not to join the boisterous and rough play are also subjected to putdowns, teasing and sometimes bullying.
It really is time to call a halt to this seemingly never-ending circle of putting someone else down to not feel so bad about oneself and start raising all young people so they stay connected to the amazing and loving beings they innately are. That would knock sexism and misogyny for a six.
“It really is time to call a halt to this seemingly never-ending circle of putting someone else down to not feel so bad about oneself and start raising all young people so they stay connected to the amazing and loving beings they innately are. That would knock sexism and misogyny for a six.” …… Absolutely agree Judy is is time to call a holt to it all.
Beautifully expressed Judith, I couldn’t agree more.
I love what you shared Judith and I agree that it is time to stop the never-ending circle of putting someone else down e.g. mothers can start doing it by letting their sons be who they truly want to be and not to bring them up so that the sons fulfill her needs.
Great point Judith and Esther, There are many ways we impose ways of being and our own needs on others and when we do this on our young it changes them much more then we care to notice. We are brought up in this way and then automatically do the same to our young ones, we may change the flavour and the expression as we want to ‘evolve’ from what our parents chose but unfortunately this is just a different coat on the same underlying energies that we keep repeating and passing on from one generation to the next.
Very well expressed Judith – it is highly irresponsible for this kind of abusive behaviour to continue and most definitely well over time “to call a halt to this seemingly never-ending circle of putting someone else down to not feel so bad about oneself and start raising all young people so they stay connected to the amazing and loving beings they innately are. That would knock sexism and misogyny for a six”.
Yes, “numbing out to be socially acceptable” is something I still buy into at times. My awareness grows…. Great reminder Carolien.
I also feel it’s amazing how we “pretend” as a humanity that equality is much more present in society. But in truth not everyone feels it, so we are still miles away. Flirting is still imposed, people are still afraid to apply for that job, and kids are being subjected to media mis-representations on all channels. We are NOT Liberal in truth. But we start with role models who inspire others, so being aware of it like this is fantastic and just look at how many people writing these comments are aware of it. The first steps are truly being taken.
I agree phil, how can we have equality when we don’t feel it? It’s like being in a relationship and your partner says they love you but you don’t feel it. As you say – the first step is admitting it, then doing something about it, like treating everyone you know equally so they can get a taste for what it feels like.
Like you said in the beginning, I have also assumed that I haven’t played any part in this game, but we all have. It makes me wonder to what degree my own actions on such a subject has contributed. Either by joining in or not speaking up against it and ‘letting it slide.’ Thank you for bringing to light a subject that needs a good dose of truth in it and an interesting point for self-observation. How willing have I been to say – “That’s not right?”
It is shocking and the way that women can be equally derogatory, and sometimes more so than men, highlights that these behaviours have become acceptable. To ignore the abuse that is occurring seems to be ‘just how it is’ and ‘normal’ throughout daily life.
Thank you, Carolien for an awesome expose on sexism. And absolutely there are many accepted ways of being with ourself or men or women that are considered normal and are so not, but instead unloving and/or abusive. There is nothing natural about this way of living. I find that as I accept less the self abusive behaviours in me so too does the behaviour from others change and become more respectful and caring.
I love what you say here – about women and men needing to take responsibility for what has been allowed. Just this morning I was reading a paper and in that same paper were 2 articles. One about a website in China that has made it acceptable to rent women as girlfriends for 20 – 30 Yuan per day (£2-£3), and another article about how ‘female pop role models’ need to stop using their bottoms to sell records (i.e. twerking). Does this not show how ‘torn’ we are as a society – where we have somehow allowed this behaviour? So the daily inappropriate gestures can seem totally insignificant and almost normal. Equality should be achieved out of tenderness and responsibility – not power fighting and campaigning. That would then allow us all (even men) to be sensitive and tender and respect each other for that first, well before body parts.
Reading this blog Carolien, reminded me of a job I had where the boss would make sexist comments to me whilst in the presence of other male staff members. On one particular occasion the other man looked embarrassed and lost for words, as he was expected to join in but obviously did not agree with my bosses behaviour.
This is an amazing article Carolien. Even in a less liberal society I notice girls my age seeing inappropriate gestures, touching and comments about their breasts/bums etc as ‘normal’… The media is constantly publicising that men are the ‘more dominant race’, and that it is somehow desired for men to take control of a woman and be the ‘alpha’. How does the world ever expect young girls to have any respect for themselves, if even the music they listen to is telling them to be less?
The recent abuse meted out to Emma Watson for speaking up on misogyny and gender inequality shows just how deeply ingrained sexism is in society. And as Miss Watson pointed out, it is both men and women that lose out with how things currently are. Men are restricted in how to express themselves and women are belittled and repressed. This cannot be anything but extremely unhealthy for everyone in society and is something we would do well to heed and start to change.
So true Doug, what we have accepted as ‘normal’ by comparing it to the extremes. This of course is a distraction from the very real harm that the not so extreme causes – like a constant chipping away that equally undermines any foundation of love or true connection in our lives.
Recently I recalled a television series that had a character in it that was obsessed with sexualising everything. It was a comedy. I realised how I no longer find it funny and the comical nodding, gestures and comments by other characters, men and women, toward the opposite gender no longer felt cute. I can see how this whole situation in life is a set-up, we end up living a life of cliches and miss out on feeling our fullness and real contact with one another. When we do not stand up in the face of this, we not only dis-empower ourself, but we allow this sexism to continue playing out for everyone. Seeing how it is a set-up, brings me more understanding and I feel the way to stand up is anyway that can snap the other out of it, it does not have to be confrontational – it could be a joke, it could be a comment or it could be simply holding our own with unwavering love until another can see the contrast between the game of caricatures and true expression of the heart.
What and amazing moment in the world of madness to have a person stand up and call out non-truth. The tipping point has been reached and people are starting to standup for what is not truth… its a start.
Thank you Carolien for bringing sexism out in the open for us all to read, I worked quite a bit of the 1980’s in male dominated industries and sexism was everywhere. It was a sales orientated industry and many men looked at most of the women as a joke and were always making very put down remarks about how we got our sales. To some degree we went a long with it and there was a sort of banter that went on but I never really joined in, something didn’t feel right even then. By the men not taking us seriously, even though we often got as many sales as them, it was not always a pleasant environment to work in. The comments and conversation were not out and out sexist comments they were more innuendoes based on the fact you were a women. Looking back I would not accept that behaviour now, I can see that the way I coped with it was to harden myself to the comments and pretend they did not matter. It is a shame that we didn’t speak up, rather than accept what I can see now today as abuse. We all have a responsibility for the next generation and maybe sexism and mysogyny would not be the way it is today if we had spoken up then and not allowed derogatory comments to continue.
Ariana this is true for me to- my bar was extremely self-depreciating but now I’ve experienced how lovely I actually am and how lovely men are too this is definitely changing.
Yesterday I read an awful article on how a woman was brutally murdered and raped to death and how this is actually a common occurrence. The utter belittling of the woman I actually felt to be similar to how I can be with myself – how can I possibly say that?!
Well, I can’t deny one grain of sand makes up a beach. Those thoughts, the same disregarding, dismissive, belittling energy can accumulate into a beach, a snowflake into an avalanche. I feel it is so important to not treat myself without value in this way with what are actually aggressive thoughts.
Over the last century, it could be said that there is greater equality amongst women and men. But this equality is mainly to do with jobs, votes, position in society to achieve things; to have a voice and not be a door mat for men. All these things are very important and a necessary part of the change that was desperately needed to occur. But why were they in that position in the first place? The fact that it has been normal that a woman should bare her breasts on the third page of a newspaper says how little we (men and women) value what women bring to our lives – or have the potential to, if they were honoured for who they are and their expressions.
I like what you are saying here Jinya, the progress we have made as a society is mainly in the more tangible aspects of inequality and basic human rights. We have, as a species come to acknowledge that we ‘cut ourselves short’ by denying half the population the basic human rights like free-speech, democracy, financial independence, equal employment opportunity and education. We have come a long way when we purely look at the statistics, the law and the like. But there is another level to look at, that maybe we have neglected. Our ingrained attitudes, unconscious belief systems, subconscious patterns of behaviour and cultural paradyms. These influences are often not readily seen or understood by the individual. I still sense that a lot of men believe that men are generally more intellegent than women for example. It is breaking down these subtle but powerful beliefs and ideologies that exist below the surface that will be our next challenge as a society, as clearly presented by Carolein here
I agree that although there may be more tangible equal rights for women eg in the workplace little has been done to change the belief systems that the old ways fostered so that deeply engrained patterns of thoughts and behaviours are still being played out in society and these are long overdue for being addressed and challenged.
I have never really taken much notice of adverts on TV, until someone the other day posed the question, “Why do we need sex to promote goods?” Everything from cars to prefume, clothing etc. To be homest that type of advertising would not entice me to buy that product. Some model draped over a Jaguar, or smelling great with a certain perfume or aftershave. I buy the car I like, use aftershave that I like, and clothes I enjoy. Maybe I am old fashioned… but many in society seem to be sex driven in buying goods.
Great point Mike, it seems the quick and easy option for advertising by making it sexually suggestive, can get the persons attention regardless if the product really has any value or not. Personally, when I look at male models showing off their bodies to sell me the latest aftershave or half naked with their new jeans in the hope I would want to be like them – it doesn’t make me feel that great! It has also always made me curious why magazines to select tyres for your car has more semi naked models than models of tyres in it…?
I agree, Amina, ‘Once we consider and look after ourselves as Women in a truly loving way these actions stick out like a sore thumb,’
This is a great article Carolien, your light touch exposes sexism simply and clearly, we can all relate to this manner,
You say… “As women we need to look at what we have allowed or bought into.” and “As men we need to look at our behaviours and the beliefs we have taken on about what it means to be a man.’ I absolutely agree, thank you.
I agree Amina. That whilst what is going on is not ok, the way forward to change it, is making changes in ourselves first. For us as women, to truly value and care for ourselves.
I loved reading this a second time around a week later. It was very interesting to observe just how much “ogling” I have noticed from men towards women that previously I didn’t before reading this. I have realised that although I tried my best to stay under the radar whilst growing up – I’ve blinded myself to what really goes on between men and women. I’m starting to see more now, so thank you for sharing.
Thank you Carolien, you bring up an important topic and it is great to feel the strength of everyone’s responses. A society that is ‘comfortably numb’ to the extent of sexism and sexual abuse in everyday life is no longer acceptable.
So true Carolien, our society has become emblazoned by hard hitting stories that hit the headlines and the extremes tend to be the stories that are heard. Under that guise the “lesser” stories get omitted and swept under the carpet, when in fact these are the real, everyday stories that should be reported. Only then would we see the true picture, the real numbers of incidents across the world. Like you say, it is only when you stop and ask yourself, and others around you, do you really begin to see and hear the truth.
Thank you for stating the truth, there is a falsehood which many are complicit in, that sexism has been removed from “liberal society” through legal acts of equality and women going out to wrk and having the vote. These acts belies the fact that as woman we grow up fearing and receiving sexual attacks on many different levels and as we turn into woman we choose to value ourselves through whether we are attractive to men and so collude. True equality, respecting both women and men as tenderness and true expression is vital to shift this deceit.
I have also seen very obvious selling of women’s bodes to get attention. In china, the HIV/AIDS charity hired prostitutes, and people can make a donation to the charity and in return they get to feel up the women’s breasts, all in the name of awareness! I was so shocked, I mean your raising awareness about a sexually transmitted disease by allowing men to grope women! What next! This is why the talk about sexism has to happen, because its so normal.
Great point Doug. Because there are more extreme behaviours we allow other abuse because we judge it as being not so bad. As Simon said, we should be asking ourselves why we are allowing this to continue.
So true Monica. When people say ‘why are you so sensitive’ its said as an insult, as if being sensitive is in someway wrong. The fact is we are all sensitive but we have learned to harden up and ignore the things that hurt us.
Good point Debra. We often comment on another persons sensitivity and often do so when we have hurt them by what we have said or done and do not want to take responsibility for that.
Yes Rowena, and how often have we heard ‘ don’t be so touchy’ or words to that effect. It is not feeling into what we say before we say it, that can create much hurt. And often it is put down with ‘ I didn’t mean it like this’ – however even in that there is no true responsibility either is there…
I agree Rowena and in turn this hurts a person and makes them think being sensitive is a bad thing, when it is not.
I agree with all the above points and have come to realise recently that my (and everyone else’s) enormous sensitivity is an equally enormous gift and not the ‘curse’ that I/we have been led to believe it is. This perhaps is a clue as to why it is attacked to such a degree…
So true Liane, there really is nothing more precious then a woman or a man in the expression of their sensitivity. We have bastardised the word to mean something negative and weak where as it takes great strength to be willing to feel all there is around us and still be open and loving in all that we do.
well said Rowena, by telling the other not to be so sensitive we are actually avoiding our own sensistivity
This is so true, Debra.
Thank you Carolien a truly inspiring story that needed to be told, all aspects of anything other than a truly loving relationship, with self and others, need to be looked at and discussed.
This is great Carolein and you have hit on a topic that requires many of us to start openly talking about. I read one of the comments previously about a teenage girl who had her boss put his hand down her top and her feeling was not to do anything about it as she felt it was not an abnormal thing to happen. I find this shocking from where I stand now, but I do remember a time when I would not have been so shocked by this behaviour. If we are more open about the incorrectness of actions such as these we may be well on the way to exposing these situations and people have the potential to feel more able to express what happens without accepting it as ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’.
When we open our eyes a little wider, it is at first shocking to see what we have come to accept as ‘normal’, but the willingness to do so gives us the opportunity to dispense with falsely held beliefs and numbnesses, and in so doing change the tide for all.
Its true Matilda, it is about us opening our eyes a little wider and seeing what is truly happening. Normal does not mean Right, and often we shrug our shoulders and just accept something as normal, because we either have not truly felt the abuse or don’t know what to do about it. The more people who take a stand and say this is no longer acceptable and is not My Normal, the more the tide will change for others too.
Thank you Carolien for this great article and for exposing how insidious sexism actually is. How we have tolerated and put up with unacceptable behaviour by numbing ourselves. It is time to say no to all forms of sexism, not just the extreme examples.
Absolutely Doug and Simon.
Thank you Caroline for so clearly spelling out that as a society we have been blinded to the fact that sexism and misogyny are around us everyday, because we have been brought up with the notion that this is normal. We have not been able to see it it for the harm it truly is which has allowed this problem to fester and grow. I am shocked at the sexualised behaviour that appears everywhere from billboards to music videos. What exactly are we teaching our young? Using increasingly sexualised images is a dangerous game by letting this happen before our very eyes, we are in fact saying it is ok. As violence against women sores and our children suffer more and more, is it not time to call the shots on this type of behaviour and say it for what it is?
Samantha well said and yes it is time that we stop turning a blind eye. For the impact it has on the young is massive but just as equally we need to claim our worth for being who we really are and not objects to be played with like a game of chess. Calling it out in every moment is the ultimate check mate!
Love it Natalie!
Hear hear Samantha. We have accepted sexism as normal so much so that we as women play the game, condoning this behaviour by not speaking up.
Thank you Carolien for exposing this. I’m glad that you focus on misogyny so strongly. It’s insidious and so harmful and it’s almost ignored because it’s not as bad as rape or FGM, which grab the headlines. The fact is that misogyny is everywhere and women are expected to ignore it.
But take a recent expose in the world of gaming that has plumbed new depths resulting in an open letter being distributed calling for an end to discrimination in the gaming industry. A recent BBC news story explained that it came in response to death threats made against the feminist reviewer Anita Sarkeesian after she released the latest in a series of videos on misogyny in gaming. She said she contacted police and felt compelled to leave her home. She called the threats a “form of terrorism”.
Let’s be clear this is what happens when we brush things under the carpet. Time to stand up.
Hi Carolien, how great that you can see clearly how you’d become desensitised to these aspects of society and didn’t notice them as they were normal… Thank goodness so many men (and women) are choosing to live with more tenderness in their lives. Imagine a world where tenderness is the norm…. One day it will be!
This is an amazing article Carolien, and very true, this kind of behaviour has become ‘normal’ in our society, I have definitely grown up thinking that men whistling at women, and differences between men and women was normal. It makes me wonder what else is we have come to consider ‘normal’ that really truly is definitely not normal!
Absolutely such a valid point you make here Meg, so much of what we think is normal, is actually deeply harming. No wonder our society is currently in such a mess.
Thank you for sharing. I found this really interesting to see the way you see something change as you build a relationship with yourself.
Yes Monica, I too know this well. It’s an interesting concept in our world really for women to be seen to be equal to men, as men, in a man’s world. It may be time for us in society to look at what equality really means. To review it’s definition.
Beautifully said Michelle. I know I’m coming to appreciate what women bring and what men bring without my previous negative, misleading preconceptions I’d bought into. It’s so lovely starting to live in this way and begin to discover relating to men in a way that’s not defensive.
Well said Michelle! As a society we’ve spent so much time talking about and striving for equality, and yet this ‘equalness’ has largely been measured by physically doing, or being entitled to, the same things, many of which do not take into account or appreciate the natural qualities of either men ‘or’ women. As you say true equalnes is about honoring our different qualities and our different expressions, which again is often independent of our gender.
A great point Michelle. In order to address sexism, we cannot just look at the behaviours alone, but deeper to the culture that these behaviours spring from and how both women and men have allowed and perpetuated this.
Beautiful Carolien, you have brought a much needed conversation to the table. I too am beginning to realise just how much I accept the unacceptable and it has surprised me, for as you say, I was only looking at the extremes rather than noticing all the smaller incidents that then contribute in the extreme behaviour. Our children are being led into very unnatural behaviour at a very young age. Its alarming. We have allowed our society to become swamped with unhealthy attitudes and images of women and we are losing touch with our true natures, much to everyone’s detriment. You have given us much to ponder on, and an incentive to begin addressing the more subtle aspects of denigration and supporting both men and women to regain our natural tenderness and deep self respect. Thank you.
Well said Rowena, and so true. It’s much easier to see the more extreme examples of sexist attitudes and behaviour, and we have clearly overlooked the smaller ways in which sexism is played out. It’s the more subtle and insidious ways which we allow to go unnoticed which have in turn allowed this escalation of abuse.
I agree, very well expressed Rowena.
Carolien I love how you’ve pointed out that sexism can hide behind the more extreme forms of sexism and how these are accepted as normal behaviour or attitudes. A close female relative was telling a story about a woman and went onto describe her physical appearance in a horrible way. I asked her if this had any relevance to the story and she said no.
I thought back to growing up and realised that, without exception, the adult members of my family, always described the women they were talking about’s physical attributes, mostly in an uncomplimentary way. My family always made comments about what I looked like and didn’t pay much attention to what was going on inside. I knew there was more to me than my appearance but I concluded that, if my family were anything to go by, the community would also judge me on how I looked so I became very image conscious or rather self-conscious.
Through Universal Medicine’s presentations I am now connecting more with what it is to be me, a true woman and not what society dictates. This blog asks me, what other beliefs are still holding me back from being a woman in full? Many of them include men and the “the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.”
The blog supports me to no longer accept sexism on any level even if society deems it normal and is asking me to just ignore it or go along with it (‘we as women should take it as a compliment’). It may be common but isn’t normal. The more I realise what sexist beliefs I still hold and live (ouch!) the more I can choose to no longer subscribe to them and so relate to others without being sexist.
Thought-provoking stuff, Carolien. Makes me realise the degree to which we have ourselves allowed the skewing and shifting of our expectations of normative, acceptabe behaviour between the sexes, such that we continue to permit and therefore perpetuate the dishonouring of women – and in so doing, of men too.
Carolien. A wonderful blog. I have never understood why men see women as a sexual objects, rather than the beauty
they all are. Women being a target of suggestive or sexual gestures, shows that men have no respect for women in life.
Any women, no matter her colour or race are to be treasured for who they are.
Absolutely Doug.
Thank you Carolien for writing such an amazing truthful article of what is very real and going on in the world everywhere that has become accepted as a normal way of behaviour. We as women and men, know it does not feel right but go along with it as though we don’t and thus make it acceptable.
Great to expose it all now. Sexism and Misogyny is not acceptable and the awareness of this needs to be called I agree.
It is not our natural way to be – which is simply love.
I think this is a very enlightening article, one which has raised things for me to ponder. I can honestly say that upon reading I felt that I still hold beliefs around “the roles that men and women ‘should’ play.”
This blog so beautifully and clearly exposes the dishonesty in our society and how easy it is to fool ourselves. I can so relate to the ‘numbing out’ of true feelings to comply with what was deemed as reasonable and acceptable in an ever changing world where one was encouraged to be more liberal and ‘free thinking’. It feels that we are willing to be lead by the media, however, we as a society need to realise that we also need to take responsibility for what is printed and broadcast and that maybe the media is only reflecting back to us our own lack of commitment to the world.
As you say there is a “deep momentum driving a belief system based on the roles that men and women ‘should’ play” and it feels that we as a society are only committed to changing these roles in word but that ‘word’ is meaningless if it doesn’t follow through into all the parts of the way we live our lives. By this I mean that there is no point in, for example, sharing the household chores with your partner in one part of your day and then going to the pub in the evening and ‘slagging off’ your partner in a way that is disrespectful and degrading.
We have ‘completely shut down’ our connection to sensitivity, tenderness and delicateness, and it is only now since connecting to Universal Medicine and the way of life presented by Serge Benhayon that I am slowly and surely retracing the path back to being a true and beautiful woman that knows who she is in the world and can start to hold that in the world.
Well said Susan, so true the rut we get ourselves into through numbing out and living in a society that doesn’t support us to live any differently or take responsibility for our own choices.
Thank you Carolien for initiating this much-needed discussion. On reflection I am shocked by how much sexist behaviour I have accepted as normal and not challenged because I did not want to rock the boat or be thought of as an hysterical female.
We all have a responsibility to initiate change and the consequence of not doing so is the ever-increasing extremes of behaviour that society has normalised. This has inspired me to start by looking at my own attitudes and behaviour, both where I have colluded with unacceptable behaviour in the past and also by claiming myself as an amazing woman who sees herself as an equal member of society.
You raise a very important topic Carolien, one that needs to be talked about more. I completely agree, and think a lot of people dismiss the subtle (and often not so subtle) sexual abuse and sexism so many women experience, because they think it has been solved by women having more equal rights. However, just because a woman has got the opportunity to work and earn a living, its not always equally so to a man, a lot of the time there are pay differences, and whats called the “glass ceiling effect” (A glass ceiling is a political term used to describe “the unseen, yet unbreachable barrier that keeps minorities and women from rising to the upper rungs of the corporate ladder, regardless of their qualifications or achievements.) And having more equal rights doesn’t change the mindset a lot of men have around women, their bodies and their place. I know so many times when I was younger, and a boy did something I didn’t like, stealing my stuff at school etc, as soon as I told them to give it back or reacted in any way to the bullying, they would say “okay calm down, stressy” or words like that, making it my fault, which made me feel very frustrated that my right to speak up was ignored and seen as a women/girl getting worked up and stupid. The mindset that a girl is only as good as her body or looks is still firmly in place for a lot of men. And it needs to be addressed. The statistics on rape, domestic abuse and violence, and other forms of abuse and sexism, are disturbingly high, and its time to stop brushing it aside, and face the fact that the majority of rapists are men, and the majority of those men felt it was their right to rape that woman. That mind set comes from somewhere, and all areas of our lives need to be looked at, from the soft porn music videos children watch, with the lyrics that promote sex and objectifying a woman’s body, to the media and its photo shopped models and barely there outfits, to the way in education boys and girls are pitted against each other, to the easily accessible porn sites where humiliation, abuse and objectification of women is massive. And people wonder where sexism and high abuse statistics come from? They come from society and people not taking responsibility for the part in it. One person saying a flippant sexist remark, heard by a child who repeats it and believes it, or to a woman who thinks it is normal, passes this disease on to another generation. Thank you for sharing.
Well said Rebecca – The sexism and high abuse statistics will only change when people take responsibility for how they speak and act about other people. In the supermarket the other day I was shocked to hear a highly sexually loaded remark between a father and his young son regarding a woman’s anatomy, who was walking in front of them, it was obviously a normal way for them to speak together and they were completely unaware of other people in the vicinity.
Well said Rebecca!
Thank you Carolien, I agree fully with what you have said and the questions you ask.
Thank you Carolien for shedding light on this and exposing that what we can accept as normal, and in some cases we think harmless, is far from that.
Completely agree Doug – and its my feeling that it is that low level, nomalised abuse that provides a platform for the more extreme attacks. The fact that demeaning women with cat calls, and ‘checking them out’ through to the presentation of soft porn in tabloid newspapers, men’s magazines and music videos just goes to reinforce this casual sexism. Its a great blog in exposing this, and brings our attention firmly to why we allow it to continue.
When we wear sex and our sexuality on our sleeves in an attempt to seek recognition, “love” and validation we openly invite the objectification of our gender and ourselves. The truth is when you stop to appreciate just how amazing each individual is – actually is – you realise that they are so much more than their just their bodies. It’s an awesome feeling to look into someone’s eyes and truly see them, or to feel their gentle touch, whether this is your life-long partner or the lifeguard at the pool. There is no compromise for taking that time to actually enjoy the company of someone else no matter how fleeting the moment actually is. What sexism boils down to for me is a loss of this natural appreciation, our fear of not being noticed or loved goes so deep that we have to objectify an individual or even a whole gender just because maybe they will not truly meet us. I have found that by simply taking the time to really meet a person and be present in that moment completely dissolves any apprehension, or judgement, and you know what if they don’t appear to meet me back that’s cool, because in many ways they already have. Thank you for your blog Carolien.
Phil – I love how you are expressing now – very powerful and inspiring!
Wow Phil lovely response to Carolien’s awesome blog. The fact is we are all responsible for how society is – we have allowed it, gone along with it and not stopped to say ‘No this is not the way we should be living. This blog does just that, thank you Carolien.
Yes Judy, my feelings completely, ‘we are all responsible for how society is – we have allowed it, gone along with it and not stopped to say ‘No this is not the way we should be living.’ This blog brings this out in the open so we now have a new level of awareness and can choose what is acceptable and what is not.
Well said Phill, a lot of the time all that is needed to stop sexism and gender stereotypes, is to simply take time to actually see the person you are with as a human being, and not simply allow autopilot take over, which can lead to sexism and inequality. Instead of making a flippant remark you may not even mean, or behaving in a way that makes someone else feel uncomfortable, take a moment to recognise that, wow, that person over there has a heart beat, a nose, two eyes, a mouth, arms and legs – they are just like me, and like me they deserve respect.
Awesome Phil. I love how you say that sexism boils down to a loss of appreciation. This is so true. When we stop feeling connection and appreciation due to fear or rejection and protecting our hurts, everything that is not appreciation, connection and love creeps in. The ‘what is not’ takes over.
Beautifully said Phil.
Beautiful, Phil. The natural, tender, loving expression of a man that will change the tide. Thank you.
Phil this is so true the lack of appreciation in our meetings with each other. Like yourself, I have made that my focus in relationships and even with Men that I can sense there is a sexual under current of some sort. But with me being open to just simply meeting them and wanting to connect with them as a person that sexual energy disappears and we are left with a genuine meeting of each other.
Wow Phil, amazing comment. I agree – when you look into someones eyes and really meet them all our judgment dissolves – it is an amazing moment. In that moment you cannot deny that we are more than just physical bodies. What occurred to me reading your comment, is how as a woman, every time I have dressed a little provocatively to get attention, essentially I am adding to the sexism, and adding to what we have now, which is that it is normal to objectify women.
Beautiful comment Phil. I know that when I feel threatened by men and feel objectified it is easy to shut down and put a wall up to keep people away…but I have also found that by opening to men and truly meeting them and seeing them for who they truly are, has often blown the threatening situation out of the water. As you say men are just wanting to be loved – truly loved – and if I stop to meet them and appreciate them for who they are, there is then no place for the objectification. It simply dissolves.
I make you right here Phil, years ago I used to work one day a fortnight at a site in Hendon and I would buy a coffee on that day from the same shop. There was an attractive Muslim lady serving each time. Our eyes would always connect on the level you are talking about and it would always blow me away. There was no need to talk about it as I could feel she felt the same. I knew she was doing such a great service by truly meeting everyone she served coffee to but also wondered how many people were able to connect as we had done.
Phil, I love your comment and your expression – very inspiring.
What stood out for me in your comment Phil was – “What sexism boils down to for me is a loss of this natural appreciation, our fear of not being noticed or loved goes so deep that we have to objectify an individual or even a whole gender just because maybe they will not truly meet us.” You have put that very clearly. And how much more loving is any meeting with others in full conscious presence of one’s self as well as the other.
What a beautiful addition Phil and I absolutely agree with what you so lovingly describe. We have lost the sense of true intimacy amongst each other and are craving it deeply. To substitute for this loss we turn to sexual arousement and the necessary objectification to not feel what it is we so deeply miss.
Thank You, excellent blog Carolien. It is great you have called out something that is seen as ‘normal’ in our society when as you so rightly say it is totally abnormal and unacceptable. I too grew up as seeing only the extremes as sexually abusive and I can now see clearly that anything less than honouring, respecting and cherishing each and every person, woman or man is in truth a kind of abuse. I loved the comments expanding and exploring this subject further, particularly those from men who had the courage to admit they have behaved in a sexist way. Continuing this type of open discussion is what will break these old patterns and create a new way for men and women to relate that is not coloured by sexist attitudes. Bring it on….
Thank you Carolien for this great blog. It is so shocking how we have normalized sexism and allowed this behaviour to be swept under the carpet for so long. People are becoming more aware but the roots run deep and many still can’t acknowledge the full extent of the harmful ways we are all affected. Thankfully these great comments show that there is another way and that there is a growing awareness of what is not acceptable.
Thank you for this great blog Carolien. I absolutely relate to so much of what you share. I too considered myself very liberal in terms of my body and nudity and have accepted behaviours that I now consider so far away from the sensitive delicate woman that I truly am. Indeed misogyny and sexism has become normal and we as women have allowed this and played the game for generations. We have now reached the point where misogyny and sexism towards women is becoming more and more abusive and violent. We just have to look at the advertising and music industry to see this. This objectification is so far away from the deep beauty and wisdom that women hold. Its time to bring A true reflection of women’s tenderness and delicateness to the world.
awesome article Carolien, I too didn’t realise how I had become numb to the objectification and sexism. I woke up to it a few years ago and it is literally everywhere. Sexism seems to be reaching a tipping point and as we call it out and call time on the normalisation of sexism we will start to see a shift. I am sure the more women connect to their tender loving nurturing ways that we will all call time on a way of living that is very abusive to all involved.
Yes there was/is a very prevalent attitude that sexism and misogyny are things we just have to put up with – they are not going to go away…. I was shocked myself when I realised how much I had allowed myself to accept behaviours that I now find totally abusive. How much I had put up with in my own life and in society in general. Thank you for this very clear and open article showing us that it doesn’t have to be like this.
What an excellent article Carolien, what a great opening for a conversation around this topic. Your points made me stop to consider how sexism and misogyny happens in another culture. I was born and grew up in Brazil and women are seen as ornaments, as objects of adoration. Men also have their ‘roles’ as latin machos to look at the women as such… Sexism and misogyny is very ingrained in this culture too and mostly accepted as normal. This is definitely not normal and not right.
Yes it’s interesting that in as many ways the societies or cultures may differ, so too do the ways sexism exhibits itself. We are not so far away from Holland in the UK but I would say there are differences in how we act out behaviours that would be called sexist or misogynist but which are simply viewed as acceptable because they are the norm for the country we live in.
What a completely different experience you must have had to many of us Priscila; it is horrendous how little respect women receive in countries like Brazil.
Thank you Carolien for opening up this topic. When I think back to working in television in the 70’s, it was considered normal to do whatever it took to get a role in a new series or to get a new job in the organisation. I was shocked at the level of abuse and after 2 years, I had seen and had enough, so left, never wanting to return to what many considered to be a glamourous and exciting profession!
Wow, that us such a great blog Carolien. I know I have accepted Sexism as normal and even thought it was a bonus to be looked at in that way. I’m only now beginning to realise what I’ve taken on and how it has affected me. Something to look at deeper…thank you!
This is great Carolien. Reading “the natural way for men and women to be is immensely tender, sensitive, open and delicate”, I can feel how far away from our natural ways most of society is living.
It’s interesting how easy it is to grow up into young women and totally accept sexist attitudes, words and behaviour, simply because it has been accepted and established as normal…or should we reword that and say how hard it is to let ourselves feel that misogynistic attitudes, words and behaviours are NOT normal!
No matter who acts and speaks in this way (individuals or societies as a whole) or how and to what extreme they take this attitude, it seems that it is through the media, in all it’s shapes and forms that informs and continuously feeds those disturbing attitudes. I certainly accepted these and thought I knew no different until I started to question how things really were and explore how men and women can be together in a naturally tender, loving and honourable way. From day one I have been inspired by seeing such loving relationships around me at the Universal Medicine presentations. This has helped hugely in being able to feel, identify and call out what is not loving from others. I been able to start to unaccept both the obvious and insidious attitudes and behaviours I’ve largely accepting as ‘normal’ as I was growing up.
Thanks for your blog Carolien and some very interesting points you address. Imagine a world full of tender, gentle and loving people that shared that equally with each other, that would be Amazing!
As a man, the depth of the problem we have with sexism is something I am only starting to appreciate. This I can say is through seeing it as something that doesn’t affect me, but I now know that isn’t true. It is through hearing more personal accounts such as this that it becomes clearer to me just how far we have strayed from the respect and care that men should naturally show towards all women. It has been too easy for men to use the excuse of “harmless fun”, but there isn’t any fun in being chased by a man down the street or have a group of boys confronting you.
Thank you Carolien for an exposing portrayal of how it really is. It is true that as a society we have become so numb to what is so very not ok. It’s great to take a closer look…
Thank you Carolien for bringing to the fore sexism in a liberal society, it is so easy to override this by thinking that it is not doing any harm and just accepting that this is the way people treat each other in a modern liberal society, or to totally shut down and cut off from our feelings and say that it does not exist. I love the way you were stopped and started to think about this more when the question was posed to you, “how many times have you personally come across sexism.” It is often these simple questions, if we choose to look deeper open up our eyes and begin to look at what is really going on. We are naturally gentle, tender and loving beings and sexism among men and women should not be deemed normal and this is what needs to be addressed in society today, so that the next generation can have a better understanding of what is really acceptable or not.
Beautifully said Alison. The next generation will inherit the accepted social behaviour that we leave. We have a responsibility to leave a society that is more gentle and generous to ourselves and each other than the society we have inherited.
Wow Carolien what an amazing blog. When we use any; religion, roles of men and women, ethnic origins and anything else that cause us to believe in something that makes better then someone else…we are lost. Your story shows that not everything that tries to change things works. You have shown that liberalism, freedom of speech and lifestyle in Holland has been a wolf in sheep’s clothing for women.
Your blog is insightful on this issue, Carolien. I felt this inequality very strongly as a teenager and felt intimidated by it and powerless, as a result I withdrew and didn’t want to seek any attention from men. It’s shocking that we have accepted this as a normal way of being and those woman who have stood up against it have had to be quite aggressive in their approach to being heard. In all instances men and women’s natural tender ways have been left behind in order to cope with the roughness of our interactions that we have created. You just have to imagine pretty much every town or city on a Friday and Saturday night in Britain and a clear picture forms on this subject. There is of course still inequality in the workplace…. we do have a long way to go, don’t we?
Well said Rachel – I was like you not wanting to seek attention from men and would run the opposite direction.
Its really interesting to read this Rachel, I know it always seemed to be the “popular” guys that were outwardly “confident” which really meant making many sexist and derogatory remarks. However they always ended up looking like they got the girls. And so the less “popular” or “in” guys would look up and respect the guys that got the girls. It shows how very lost we were for both the guys and the girls to go against what we all felt. A game it certainly is.
What you say is so true, Carolien. The normalisation of sexism has become far more prevalent. It feels like it has always been there but in recent years it seems to become far more acceptable, mainstream and prevalent, particularly with the incredible easy access and distribution of pornography. When I was growing up if a naked breast got past the censor in a movie, the film was X-rated. However, that does not mean there was not sexism, it was just not ‘in your face’ as it is today, And, yes, the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine is inspiring in this field as with all their work.
Well said Carolien. We do become desensitized about the depth of problems in society when we focus on the extremes and therefore dismiss the less extreme incidents so that these become normal accepted behaviour. Women and men have to take responsibility for allowing the level of sexism we accept as normal. We all need to be willing to say loud and clear that it is not acceptable or our extreme today will be tomorrow’s normal.
I agree Mary. I think the use of the word ‘desensitized’ is very apt. Carolien’s article has really highlighted how we have become numb to this very serious issue. I agree that we all need to be willing to speak out and no longer accept this way as normal.
Yes, great points, it is our responsibility to speak up and educate our young to what is and what is not acceptable. A world where today’s extremes become tomorrows normal would be a very ugly place to be.
First becoming aware of how desensitised to abusing ourselves we have become is a starting point, we are so used to thinking badly of ourselves that it then becomes less clear when we are being abused from someone else.
Yes, absolutely.
The hardening up and numbing ourselves to not feel has become normal. And so, if this is just one area in life that we have become desensitised to… and allowed, what else have we accepted as normal?
This really highlights just how much we do accept certain things as ‘normal’. Since attending Universal Medicine events I have become more aware or just how desensitized (numb) I had become. It was a shock when realizing I was not even recognizing when something was actually abusive because it was not physical abuse..
Thank you Carolien, sexism is soo normalised within society it is seen as acceptable as long as it is not too extreme. It is great that slowly more and more women and men are saying no to it, it is abuse after all and as such should not be accepted on any level.
I agree James – “it is abuse after all and as such should not be accepted on any level.”
Very well said James.
Great subject to bring up Carolien you have hit the nail on the head on so many points. With the internet of recent years with school children being able to view pornography on their smart phones all leads to this being more normalised. This is something I feel strongly about as I don’t want my daughter or anyone else’s daughter for that matter growing up and having to put up with all that goes with this. Nobody should have to put up with hearing comments about various body parts, being groped or worse. As a guy I thought I was new age sensitive, I would cook and clean etc but would still join in what I thought at the time harmless sexist banter down the pub. All this needs to change, from people, both men and women being addicted to porn through fear of true connection with another to getting rid of page 3. Then we can start having a truly liberal and equal society.
I agree. We need to commit to shining a light, and dispensing with, all the ‘little’ habits that feed this undercurrent of sexualisation and gender disparity in society.
And it is the little habits that are the hardest ones to break as those are the ones that we justify so easily as being harmless, when in fact they add greatly to the problem. I agree with Kevin that I wouldn’t want a daughter of mine exposed to this – I don’t want anyone’s daughter exposed to this and that is where we have to get to as a society and start to stand up fully to sexism and its harmful ways.
Well said Kevin. The double standard you speak off is not just a man thing, women do it to, behave in one way at home and then join in the banter about the other gender with our friends, without truly wanting to see what it is we are doing. Everything we do matters and our children soak it all up. When we do take steps to deal with pornography, Page 3 and our objectifying attitudes to both genders, we will have true equality, as we will treat one another as real people in a truly respectable way.
Well said, Kevin
Thank you for sharing this Caroline and speaking out on a challenging topic that most of us do not want to speak about. What I liked was that you have addressed this without any angry stance.
I agree Shevon there is no bitterness, anger or resentment coming from this article. Caroline has presented clarity, awareness and understanding off the subject.
Thank you Carolien for presenting how the seemingly normal in society is only a normal because we have shut down from allowing the truth of what is really going on to be felt. For most of my life I have lived as a sexist male yet I could always feel that although my behaviours were fully accepted, even encouraged by society it always felt somewhat uneasy in my body – thus I readily dismissed this feeling. Today I am far more aware of that uneasy feeling and realise that it even presents if I simply think for a moment that I am more than a woman, for being a man in her presence – that absolute equality offers the only harmonious balance in my body.
Really interesting article Carolien. We need to look at how subtly those behaviours and patterns are laced through out society and not just in Holland but globally. I wonder what men fear that they feel the need to treat women in this way, and what women fear within themselves to remain part of that equation.
You raise two very important questions here Joel: What do men fear to treat women in this way and what do women fear within themselves to remain part of this equation? Would anyone like to comment?
In my experience it has felt like the fear behind subtle (or not so) sexually condescending behaviours is about feeling… in other words, perhaps because men have felt they had to shut down to their own natural tenderness and need for intimacy they may be afraid of what will come up if they allow themselves to see/feel the equal-ness of women… who are this also?
What I feel about why, we women, put up with being treated as lessor/as objects is that we don’t feel like enough just as we are and so we do what it takes to get their approval so we won’t have to feel the self worth problems and/or downright self loathing.
Certainly for me, this has felt true of my past choices. I have the deepest appreciation for all that Serge Benhayon has offered which has helped me learn to love and accept myself, so now I feel when something is not honoring of me and I am making VERY different choices.
Thanks Joel for reminding us its not just in Holland but this is a global issue. Well worth considering and self reflection. There are many people speaking up now to change this, yet its still considered part of life.
That’s a great point Joel; it does indeed need to be looked at on a bigger scale as to why this kind of treatment is allowed or accepted in our society… and even more so why it is there to begin with.
Thank you for sharing this, Caroline. It is amazing the depth of this very harmful way that we have ingrained into our behaviour towards women. I recall an ex-girlfriend complaining abut how she absolutely hated walking down the street in New York City where we lived because she was constantly having to deal with cat-calls and harassment. It had a deep affect on her ability to be able to dress the way she wanted, which was not provocatively or anything, but just so she felt good and was expressing herself in the way that she wished. But she was so uncomfortable that she would dress down to not attract attention. In so many places, this kind of harassing behaviour is considered totally acceptable an arrogant claim that a man is ‘giving a compliment’ by ogling her as she walks by. Of course that is the least of the abuse and violations that women are subjected to regularly, but it is so ‘normalised’ that the escalation into full on physical assault is made that much easier. There is a serious issue here for men to address, as we hold the responsibility to change this pattern of behaviour.
I can totally relate to “dressing down” to not attract attention. As a teenager I was scared of potentially getting attention from men, so I would protect myself with shapeless, baggy black clothes – to give them nothing worth wolf whistling about. …at the great expense of wearing what I really felt like wearing and letting myself shine.
It is so sad that many women feel they need to do this. What is it about our society that accepts this kind of attention from men as being ok? I used to wear baggy unattractive clothes too for the very same reason, but over the years have claimed myself back and wear what I want to wear. By allowing myself to be me I am more confident and have developed ways of dealing with this kind of attention from men.
Beautiful Naren, I just realised how I as a teenager I never used to wear skirts. I thought it was all about me not feeling comfortable in my own body but there was more to it…I did not want to get the ‘wrong kind’ of attention from boys and men! It took me a long long time to stop underdressing and start reflecting the beautiful women I am in the way I dress without worrying too much about the reactions of both male and female. We need to support especially boys and girls to start relating to their very sensitive and tender nature and let them feel that interacting with each other from that quality only is the way forth.
Thank you Katinka, this has ‘uncovered’ something for me too with understanding the reason that I would always choose trousers over skirts or dresses as a teenager.
I love how comments from others constantly bring the opportunity to understand myself and others more deeply.
Yes Stephanie and I realise I still feel uncomfortable showing cleavage for the same reason.
This is so true – that women are told to APPRECIATE this sort of attention and slagged off as a prude or frigid or ungrateful when they don’t take it as a compliment. Could it be that underneath that, though, is a sense of rejection and lack of worth on the part of the cat-caller? I agree there is much for us all to take responsibility for here and this thread is helping to reinforce that, certainly in me.
Hi Carolien, wow – an amazing blog and yes I too had been taught by society that this was normal behaviour from men, and I used it to be judgemental and angry about them instead of seeing the true tenderness that is within us all.
Yes true Carmel. We can all be taught that this is normal and we can go along with it, but the feeling that it is far from normal does not go away. We just end up finding a way to cope with it that is all. But as you say it never brings us to see the true tenderness that is within us all.
Such a great insight – that it is easy to go into anger and frustration, but that is not the way. Living it differently is the way, every day.
A strong article covering a topic that needs to be addressed and discussed. Only a few days a go I was speaking with a girl who told me when she was sixteen her manager put his hand down her top, she said she froze and didn’t know what to do and then said something. I asked her what did she do? Did she report it? and she said no she didn’t think there was anything wrong with it at the time or didn’t know what to do, but still served his wife and children when they came in. This is just 1 incident as you say how many others are out there that currently do not get reported or ignored or even worse think there is nothing wrong with it. You are so right, it starts with each and every one of us to not impose on another and to live a different and more loving way.
Vicky I would say it is safe to say we don’t have any idea of the true figures of the abuse that is going on in workplaces like the one you describe. It takes such strength and inner resolve to report an incident and all the while knowing it’s your word against the perpetrator who may be a successful business owner, do good deeds, support charity etc etc etc as we saw with the Jimmy Saville case in the UK. It is at least becoming something that we are willing to discuss and if victims are supported by the police and convictions are made we will be on the track of enabling women to report the crimes. And as it is explored it is our own disrespect for ourselves that really needs healing which will mean we are stronger and more resolved in ourselves to report abuse if it comes our way , or if indeed you see it happening to someone else.
We have some way still to go on this, with attitudes still prevailing that women ‘bring it on themselves’. The extremes of this are seen in India with women suffering rape because they have the audacity to go out with friends or not dress modestly enough. It is easy for ‘liberal’ countries to point to this and call for change, whilst leaving un-exposed the more insidious sexism rife in our everyday. Such a great blog, Carolien.
Very true Vanessa, and at the same time women need to be empowered and realise that this is not something they need to allow. I spoke to a woman recently who got abused by a neighbour who grabbed her breasts and she was convinced she brought it on her self, that it was no big deal and at the same time she did not want to make trouble with someone who lives in her street. As Rebecca commented wisely and powerfully a little below here, we need to raise our girls in a way that makes them very strong and sure about what is ok and what is not. And we need to raise our boys in a way that allows for their tenderness and sensitivity to be uninhibited.
It is amazing how desensitised so many men and women have become to the issue of sexism, so many see no issue in acts that in most peoples’ books would be considered sexual assault. I was reading an article about someone who had posted a picture on social media (intending it to be a joke) about tricking their girlfriend into thinking they were wearing a condom, when they weren’t. However, those commenting on this picture, were outraged that this had been posted, as it was disrespectful to all men and women.
So girls started sharing their experiences with how devastated and powerless they felt once it had happened to them. It was then pointed out, that even not wearing a condom (when one was asked for) is actually considered rape because the women’s choice was dishonoured – because anything that is against your consent, wishes or makes you feel uncomfortable – is not Ok. We need to start inspiring our girls to have the strength and confidence to say no and claim their bodies as their own.
Absolutely Ariana, what we call normal, what we accept as true is not true, sexism is not normal. See how both women and men are a victim of a way of behaving that is abuse both ways. We are all tender and sensitive beings, when we override this we harm ourselves until we are honest and look at what is truly going on and step out to feel who we truly are.
Next women’s health presenter… well said Rebecca
Hear hear Rebecca we absolutely do.
What Carolien has presented is enormous in how we are brought thinking sexism is no big deal and something that just happens. In one way we are saying it’s ok and our children are learning to override their own bodies based on what the rest of society is doing, but deep we can all feel the harm it does.
That is such a good point you raise Rebecca and yes we sure do ‘need to start inspiring our girls to have the strength and confidence to say no and claim their bodies as their own’.
Dear Vicky, I have been the subject or the witness of such behaviours in my workplaces, both in France and the UK, and at the time (it is a long time ago and I was much younger) I did not know what to do. It was admitted as “normal”. As Vanessa rightly says “we don’t have any idea of the true figures of the abuse that is going on in workplaces” and I agree with this statement.
I agree Carolien. It is only when we as individuals are prepared to genuinely recognise the role and the harm that we have caused during our lives by keeping sexism and misogyny alive that we can truly move forward. And as we do, perhaps by example we can influence others to reconsider their attitudes (particularly children).
Not that long ago while looking at my beliefs and attitudes about being a woman, I discovered not only had I made myself numb and normalised to the impact of the sexism from the outside, there were also remnants of sexist and misogynistic attitudes about being a woman within myself! And not surprisingly later I found that there were some stereotypic attitudes towards men as well. I agree Rod “It is only when we as individuals are prepared to genuinely recognise the role and the harm that we have caused during our lives by keeping sexism and misogyny alive that we can truly move forward”. Thank you Carolien. Very powerful outing of what is really going on under the surface of even the ‘politically correct’ societies.
Well said Rod – our children need true role models to not get caught in the downward spiral of what is the accepted ‘norm’ in attitude and behaviour regarding sexism and misogyny.
Particularly now Stephanie, as so much of the media, children and young people are presented, with is sexualised.
True Michelle and we need to beat that voice that we have adopted that says don’t make a fuss, be a prude, or people will think im overreacting etc. No matter who listened it still needs to be pointed out again and again until it’s veil of normalcy has been worn down.
So true Rod, inspiring the next generation – that there is another way that is Loving and Caring towards each other for both Men and Woman and towards each other.
Agreed Natalie. Young people today are crying out for true role models. I was recently told by a young woman that at school the teachers are often running late for class. Now this young woman has learnt that it is ok to be late for this class. Such an example of how we create our own mess and then in that can also lead others into making poor choices too.
Well said Vicky as adults we seem to forget to easily that we are setting an example for the next generation and therefor they either copy or rebel against our choices and neither will be the truth of who they are.
I read a great Dutch blog yesterday about how we as adults know very well what is true and what is not, and so we forbid our children to do as we do. We live in the illusion that we can live irresponsibly and yet teach our children to be responsible. The only way to allow for change is by the way we ourselves live.
Rod very well said – “by everyone recognising the deep dismissal we have created in society about sexism and misogyny then and only then do we have an opportunity to have True Role Models for the next generations”.
Great point Rod, sexism and misogyny needs no longer to continue to be perpetuated as the harm and damage caused by them is enormous.
Rod you are totally correct. Until we recognise our own contribution to this whole process we can’t move forward. The many children now being brought up that will not know sexism and misogyny, is amazing.
Well said Rod, once we have seen what is going on around and feeling that in no way is it right or acceptable and then not speaking up, and allowing the sexism and misogyny to continue around us, we are allowing it to be and turning a blind eye to it. And perhaps as you say, this is because we do not want to accept or see our role in contributing to it.
Yes Rod, we hold a great power in personally cleaning up our act and not indulging in sexist behaviour and as Golnaz says, it goes both ways, women can equally hold very sexist views about men too. This is after all how true change comes about, because people decide to live everyday life in a different way. There is a lot of mileage in the individual stepping up and choosing to behave differently and when we do, we can never gauge just how far our example travels.
Very true Rod. The ideals and believes of the next generation will take its roots in the ways and behaviours of the currrent generation. We have a huge responsibility as adults to address the harm that sexism and misogyny does to us.
Perfectly said Rod: first I, like each of us, have to take my own responsibility and allow myself to feel what are the consequences of my behaviour in keeping sexism and misogyny ‘normal’ to a certain degree. It is such a delicate and even painful process to actually feel what it does to my body and my self esteem and so far from the sensitive and tender woman I am and how much love I feel inside. When I allow myself to actually feel the sexism, it means speaking up more, expressing how it feels to me. Otherwise I am adding to it.
well said Monika, there is a lot to deeply feel and I myself have been very surprised by the extend of abuse I have allowed dimly by not speaking up. If someone would have told me back then it was in truth abuse I would have downplayed it but after feeling the quality of it in my body there is no way around it. As you say it is an attack on the sensitive, delicate and tender woman that I am.
This responsibility piece is huge, Rod. We all have a job to do here.
Absolutely Rod, I know from seeing people my age many of their beliefs and behaviours that they already have come from the mindset that if their parent or an adult does it then it is okay, the root of society reproducing itself is stuck with noone wanting to change the way they are living
well said Oliver, “the root of society reproducing itself is stuck with none wanting to change the way they are living” We always look to the next generation to do it ‘better’ without wanting to realize that what we offer them makes it very hard for them to choose something that is true and loving.
Oliver – Your comment really exposes how everything just goes around in circles (cycles) until we see things differently. Serge Benhayon’s presentations constantly inspire anyone willing to see that there is a different way to live and these choices are available to everyone – a great an opportunity to ‘clean up our act’ for the benefit of all.
I love your comment Stephanie as it invites all to not go into the desperation of ‘it is too out of control” but instead seize every opportunity to make changes in the way we ourselves live and hold each other. In every moment is presented a new choice.
Wow Carolien, what a great expose on Sexism and our so called ‘liberal society’! I could totally relate to the normalisation of sexism that you describe, both as an observer and as a participant – knowingly at times and unconsciously at others. You nailed it for me when you said “I was looking at the extremes and had learned to dismiss the less extreme incidents.” I too have started to become more and more aware of just how much behaviour we accept as normal (which is by no means limited to sexism) to such a point that we have numbed ourselves to the impact this actually has on us, and only pay attention to the more extreme incidents… The problem with this – as is becoming more and more evident in our society – is that the extremes then become more and more extreme, so that what was considered extreme say a decade ago is now considered normal… The normalisation however does not lessen the impact these behaviours have on us, because at some level, we all feel it regardless – though perhaps not consciously so. Any form of sexism is not our natural way of being as men and woman, and it is time as you say “to address sexism and misogyny and what we have deemed as ‘normal’ and realise this is not normal at all”. Hear, Hear!
So beautifully put Angela, our global expression seems to be intent on normalising extremely unloving behaviour, which is quite shocking when seen in this way. As you say, and what Carolien has so eloquently exposed, we just keep getting more and more numb as the extremes keep climbing. It is time to stop and take stock and re-claim our sacredness, something that seems to have dropped off our radar a long time ago. I too am gradually becoming aware of the dis-honouring behaviour I have accepted as normal, and how much that needs addressing. Our Normal should be complete Love, Respect and Honour towards our selves and each other, as opposed to the disregard, objectifying and abusive attitudes and behaviour we engage in on a daily basis. Thank goodness we are becoming aware of it and bringing to the table for discussion, as from there we can start to re-claim true society.
Yes Rowena, and what I notice in others and also from my own experience, is that when we numb out to protect the delicate, tender people we are, we seek more stimulating and way out behaviours because we need them in order to feel alive. Then we seek more extremes because ultimately these extremes are empty of any true feeling at all and so we need bigger, better and more.
Beautifully put Joan. I have wondered if this is how men and women consent to ‘extreme’ behaviour where they are seeking to ‘feel alive,’ but is actually quite self-abusive. As a society, I feel this is where increasingly unloving but not normal behaviour becomes more common and therefore is accepted as normal. So it is so important to call out self-abusive behaviour for what it is and say this is not ok.
I look at the female role models today, how women are portrayed in the media and how the female body is objectified and feel it is so important having women living from who they truly are to offer a true role model to other women. I recognise my responsibility to take the steps to live lovingly as a women.
Very true Karin, the more each woman claims her responsibility to live in a truly loving, self respecting way the more each woman offers herself as a true role model. It may seem too small a resolution to such a global problem but by taking self responsibility for what is truly acceptable in the world, we inspire many others to do the same and we can never truly assess the knock on effect this can have.
I fully agree with you Karin, about the depth of extreme behaviour that is becoming the norm for both men and women. By living in a way that is self-loving, we naturally inspire others to make self-loving choices for themselves too.
Rowena I love what you have shared here. Often when there is something unloving going on, the first thing that comes to my mind is that I need to go into battle with that which is wrong. However as you say taking the care to deepen the love that I live and through that being inspiration to others to deepen that within themselves, will soon bring that level of love to be the only accepted norm. Yes the other aspects will need addressing too, but this part, a part that is very intimately to do with how I choose to live my life, is a very powerful factor to consider.
Beautifully expressed Karin. I agree with your comment in regards to calling out self abusive behaviour, it definitely is not ok or normal. If we as women share our true lovely tender selves then that helps and inspires others to be all they can be too.
“I recognise my responsibility to take the steps to live lovingly as a women”. Well said Karin, we can inspire all women to live lovingly by taking responsibility for how we live our own lives, thank you for the reminder to go out today and not react to what is going on around me but instead be a loving reflection for all to feel.
Wonderfully expressed Karin. It’s about showing the world that there is another way and if we express ourselves in full, then that is a responsibility I am committing too. Thank you.
By deepening our love, abuse stands out like a sore thumb and self-compromise to the love we have built becomes even less likely a prospect to accept. With love, abuse is not accepted; without love, it is.
what a beautiful thread and how great to expose that if we go into fighting or judging what we see all around us we are just continuing the hardening where as what is so obviously needed is to allow ourselves to live in the natural delicacy and tenderness that we are. As you all have expressed the way forward is in the way each of us is living and from there the reflection we offer to those around us. The effect of this may seem small but in energetic terms is absolutely huge plus we get the enormous benefit of a loving relationship with ourselves.
‘I recognise my responsibility to take the steps to live lovingly as a woman.’ Me too Karin.
We are now living in a world where so many actions that are unloving and abusive on many levels are being accepted as being normal, and one of these “normals” is sexism. It seems that any abuse from one person to another has to be extreme before someone says – this is not right – with the majority of humanity believing that their one lone voice cannot make a difference, but we know that this is not the case. I know that me choosing to “recognise my responsibility to take the steps to live lovingly as a women” can begin a ripple effect that will flow on out to touch and inspire many others, and that is one responsibility I accept.
Ingrid, the is true we tend to push down what we knows true as we feel dishearten and as if we cannot make a difference, yet every voice of truth sends a ripple affect throughout this world that is at some level felt by all and offer the opportunity to choose the same. We are powerful beyond our imagination.
That is so well said Joan.
Joan you have made a link that I hadn’t connected, when ‘we numb out to protect the delicate, tender people we are, we seek more stimulating and way out behaviours because we need them to feel alive.’ Of course!!! To override the sensitivity we need to go to extremes, and that’s why ‘normal’ is constantly becoming more extreme.
Well expressed Rowena and it takes every one of us to be aware and take responsibility for speaking up about sexism and other discrimination or abuse of any kind, particularly when we normalise any unloving behaviour that disregards our absolute equality and understanding that we are as humanity, all ONE.
Well said Bernadette, underneath our gender we are all equaly one
Yes the normalising of these behaviours is the core of why we have got to the stage where cyber abuse, swearing and a myriad of daily behaviours is accepted in our current climate.
Absolutely agree with both your comments Angela and Rowena, and it is definitely time to turn the tide on our acceptance of what is perceived as ‘normal’ behaviour – Complete Love, Respect and Honour towards ourselves and each other!
It is true that when we live with more self-respect and care towards ourselves and others, what is not loving stands out like a sore thumb and is no longer acceptable.
Great questions Amina. Taking self-responsibility as Rowena has shared is the only way to start making the necessary changes.
You raise a great point here Amina that seems to be one of the key points here, and that is that in truth we feel all of this and that things are not right, but we choose – consciously or unconsciously – to override these feelings, and this can be layered with many different emotions (ie anxiety, guilt, lack of self worth etc) and be masked with a variety of different behaviors. So to me, one of the simple keys is in beginning to be more honest with what is truly going on and how we truly feel in our bodies, and in that process, to become more aware of all the things that take us away from the fact that we can only really start to address these issues when we connect within.
Great Question indeed, for me it is very much in allowing my sensitivity and my tenderness to remain and from that feel how certain behaviours may still have an impact on me, as said , through unresolved hurts within myself. If i am able to not react and protect then all i have to do is feel it it first and foremost. Then from that i may say something but it will be from what i feel and not from a judgement or reaction. I am learning that this is the only way to be truly heard in a way that does not polarise more or causes the other to defend and therefor entraining the behaviour even more.
Amina, I know I feel the heaviness in my body when I override behaviours that I know are not loving or diminish another and for me I can feel the protection of myself come up ~ protection from perhaps being treated the same way. What this also brings up is the realisation of and connection with my own hurts. As Angela says we have to connect with these feelings that we override first and take responsibility for the impact of not responding.
Yes, we ignore a lot because it feel so horrible and ignoring the feeling buys us time. Then, when we can’t avoid it, for example by being chased down the street at night, we can still manage to ignore it for a while longer. Not ignoring it can put us into fear.
Learning how to see things as they are with no more than an initial reaction is a very deep and important learning.
I love how you say ignoring it buys us time Christoph. It buys us time in not having to stand up and make changes for ourselves to bring a halt to what is not acceptable.
I agree Christoph – we do get the niggling feeling that something is sexist and unjust when things happen but we can be quite ‘clever’ in the number of tricks we have up our sleeves to put off taking a deeper look at what is going on, let alone speak up about it. Thank you Carolien for an exposing blog which has left me feeling I need to take a closer look at the complacency I suspect has been allowed to linger with regards sexism and misogyny.
very true Helen we do have many ways in which we quickly push down that inner knowing of something not being right so we do not have to stop and del with it. being responsible means allowing ourselves to stay with what we feel and stay with it, explore it and dig deep until we know with our whole heart that it is love once again.