We live in a world where thanks to Internet and social media almost everybody seems to be electronically connected – one can even get in contact with their grandmother in a ‘lost’ village in India. Amazing, right?!
It is great to know that keeping in contact with loved ones is no longer a costly hurdle; a quick text to see how your cousin in Jamaica is doing, a lengthy call with your childhood friend in Greece, or even a romantic relationship between Australia and America, purely based on those late night, early morning Facetime/Viber/Skype…. calls.
How beautiful is it to be able to connect with just a click of a button?!
Looking at social media and the Internet through these lenses makes it seem like a blessing.
However, are we actually using social media to strengthen our connection with the world?
Or are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect?
Imagine how many street poles have been hurt by careless humans who aren’t watching their steps while on their phones? However, and on a serious note, have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?
In our offline world we seem to be more and more disconnected from our families, close relatives and friends. Many more people are experiencing the deep feeling of loneliness and depression, not to mention aggression, violence and cyber abuse, all of which are shooting through the roof and causing increased suicide rates. What is even more shocking is that we are by and large simply sitting back and accepting everything that is going on.
When for instance, was the last time you saw an abusive comment and either reported it or stepped in to express your feelings about it? Or have you ever?
We have made sexting and sending nudes so common that it has become ‘normal’ and those who don’t do it are then ‘old fashioned’, ‘stush’, or just plain ‘boring’.
But what are we actually getting out of these ‘exciting’ behaviours? You know, the cheeky text at work, or naughty selfie from the gym changing rooms? Is it just an innocent game or could it possibly be another way to get the attention we so desire, to fill an emptiness inside?
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being intimate with another, in fact, it can be very beautiful! However, in a world where just about every other person, so to speak, has a naked picture on their phone of another person, how intimate are we truly?
Do we even know what intimacy is?
How confident would you be to stand completely 100% transparent (naked, figuratively speaking), without any protection at all – no walls, no guard, no holding back – in front of that person to whom you sent a nude? Why aren’t we making transparency the social norm?
Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.
Or is that too difficult for us to acknowledge, let alone make it something we talk about and pass down?
Maybe if we are more honest offline with ourselves and others too, we can indeed use social media and the Internet the way they are intended as an extended platform to continue to deepen our connections, friendships, relationships with those close to us and those who may not be . . . yet.
By Anonymous
Further Reading:
Technology: Are you Connected?
Crying out for connection: technology and us
Anti-social behaviour
When you are with someone and having a conversation you feel their presence whereas a message on a hand-held device puts a distance between you.
Being intimate and appreciation go hand in hand and when we are appreciative energetically (understanding we are all divine in essence) it is coming from the lived Joy we are in and thus are naturally transparent in all we do and does not this level of responsibility naturally feel True in our bodies and thus bring a deeper level of understanding our divine relationship with God? This brings a whole new normal to our existence and purpose to our life that sees social media in a True light to deepen all our relationships.
More and more I find social media, when used to disconnect, to feel draining and I even feel spaced out after using it. Cutting it out completely never works but acknowledging how it makes me feel is the way to make changes that stick.
Absolutely Leigh, understanding what we are doing and nominating when we feel less than our Essences / Soul-full-ness keeps us evolving.
This is a great topic to discuss, the cigarette used to be our best friend we took them everywhere with us. Now it’s the mobile phone and for some people it has become an addiction just in the same way cigarettes became addictive both addictions have a negative impact on our bodies.
The internet could have been used for a power for true good, yet most of what is on there is horrendous, lies, porn, gossip…. not to mention the dark web and every thing that gets put through there.
It is scary times when we go about our day not really realising what a force of evil that runs through much of what is on line.
Great topic, as each generation has its Achilles heal and that the latest techno society is now more in the open about it so it is no longer isolated behind closed doors like it was in Pompeii, and being open at last is showing us when we come to our senses the ridiculous-ness of it all and thus we can start to Truly heal and then everyone we connect to gets a blessing.
The intent of Social Media can be such an amazing opportunity for the whole world. People can become educated about other nations, about other customs – how things are done differently. We can become more aware of the suffering of other countries & therefore more understanding. Yet, what is happening is that we are becoming less tolerant, less understanding – we use the fake news spilled by the media to judge other nations and feel okay in our righteousness for the country we are born in. What a shame, what a waste.
Yesterday I walked by a skate park where there was a lot of teenagers instead of playing on the thing all of them had there heads down looking at their phone.
“Social” media is defiantly not that social.
‘Do we even know what intimacy is? ‘ mmmm great question. Well I guess the way to teach our younger generation is not by words but by actually living this transparency standing with them with no protection, holding back or being on guard then they actually get to FEEL another way. It always starts with ourselves first and how are we living that is how true change happens ✨
The pull to be on the phone at every opportunity is quite strong as you can see on the London underground in the mornings. No one wants to connect and it has become an acceptable thing to do. It makes me wonder how many people met on the tube in the days gone by and started dating; nowadays they do it all over apps and it’s so cold and impersonal.
A much needed topic to discuss about indeed. I find particularly poignant is the responsibility we ALL have to speak up about abuse. We all see, feel and know of it. Most of us tend to do anything we can to avoid it and this is where the ignorance starts…
If we use a device, activity or another person to bring us a sense of connection it will never work. Connecting to ourselves first is required before we connect to others. Anything else is abusive I am learning.
We grow up guarded and then want to protect our children against the world and how it can hurt us. But what we are actually doing is retarding them to live in a way that goes against our natural expression of being open-hearted.
It is so easy to feel or say that it is something that is outside of us, that it is ‘the social media’ ‘the telephone’ or ‘the computers’. We often speak as if we are a slave to these machines and in a way we are but we forget that these machines have no power over us and that it is still, as always the operator that controls the use. We can change our use of internet and social media easily if we truly wanted to, so maybe the real question is why do we use it as we do?
As with everything in life it is not the systems or machines we sue but what we do with them. The internet is a weak substitute for the interconnectedness we have as human beings. If we are in this interconnectedness the internet will be used to evolve and support humanity, when we are not in this interconnectedness it will be abused in many ways and to an extend we could previously not imagine.
It is true we can create an online persona of someone we want to be instead of presenting ourselves warts and all. Is this because we judge others and fear that we will be judged or is it lack of acceptance of ourselves and feeling that we are not good enough.
Or is it both of what you mention here in your comment Julie, and maybe even more at play?
If we were to teach our children that intimacy was not a sexual act and that intimacy was actually a natural part of life and a natural part of expression we would have far less incidents of loneliness and mental health problems.
There is nothing more amazing than looking into the eyes of another or having a totally open and transparent and intimate conversation where nothing is held back – social media just can’t match that and it certainly can’t replace what we are missing so badly from our lives.
I was in a lunch room yesterday at one of my sites and everyone was in there was connected to one thing only and that was their phones, it was very quiet and it made me wonder that a few years back there would have probably been the buzz of conversation and real connection going on. We need to use social media as the great tool it is but not get sucked in and consumed by it at the expense of everything else.
When connecting with someone is reduced to a ‘click’ this reduces the connection to keeping yourself in separation and isolation.
It is a great opportunity to avoid connection with ourselves as in a click no one is asking you to connect with them. So much more then avoiding the outside connections are we not avoiding the disconnection in ourselves?
This really is a huge problem of our time, so many children growing up disconnected from real life.
I sometimes hesitate responding to negative comments as I dont want to bring the other writer more attention and fuel it further. However if we do not speak out against the destructive use of the internet we condone it and allow it to fester and grow.
We think we are connected when we can boast about how many likes we get on our Facebook page, but what is our communication like with those in our daily lives, who we live with from day to day. We are so caught up in social media trying to fill the emptiness we feel inside from lack of true loving connection, one that brings with it an honesty and intimacy that we all long for in sharing with another.
Probably no accident here that the word ‘screen’ means a ‘protective barrier’, considering we use these devices to hide behind instead of allowing ourselves to be fully transparent with the world.
Yes intimacy has become a word reserved for closest friends or ‘intimate’ partners, yet what is offered here, and I have experienced with some of my friends, is that you can choose to live that way with everyone without it being sexual in any way. In fact, the intimacy is the honesty we so desperately crave and miss in relationships in general.
When we see something that doesn’t feel right, even if we don’t understand why it doesn’t feel right, do we speak up? My sense and experience is that we don’t. Yet what is the outplay of many people seeing things and not speaking up? Well, I would hazard a guess that it is the world we see today. In our own small way, we contributed to what we see by not speaking up about the small things in our lives that let things go and had a ripple effect on a bigger scale.
This is a great question; ‘are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect? ‘ From what I observe I would say yes we use it to disconnect. I observe that as a population we spend we a lot of time on our phones rather than connecting with each other. Waiting at bus stops, waiting in cues in the past may have been time to chat to people, it seems to now a be a time to look at our phones instead.
It is so true that we have distorted what it means to be intimate and transparent, exposing how we have disconnected from living from our joy-full essence.
There is no way that social media is used for intimacy – quite the opposite. If I consider someone’s facebook page this is always going to be a presentation of the good life. Our favourite moments shared for all to see which gives a picture of who we want to be, rather than anything true, balanced etc. And when we are ‘friends’ we think we know each other better. The flip side is the messaging and the awful language and abuse that is so normal and commonplace. This seeps out into the offline world and its truly disgusting to feel / hear it.
It is a great cause for concern when you see teenagers sitting in a row each transfixed to the small screen in front of their nose with no interaction with those sitting next to them.
Contact or connection – there is in fact a vast difference between the two, yet we seem to think and champion that we are more connected these days, as such advancing as a civilisation as a result of technology. Yet let’s be honest are we really? Are we freer from wars, slavery, abuse, suicide, segregation religious or otherwise and we could go on? Are we in connection to each other in the true sense of the word where we are uniting, joining, coming together in a unified way to discuss and work on a way we can live with greater harmony in our lives that supports us all to live who we are? And yes technology has the potential to be a platform to offer this possibility but we need to live this for ourselves first otherwise it becomes yet another avenue where we can exercise our choice to escape, abuse and disregard the opportunity to connect to the love we are, and share this quality with others.
I did some work on the weekend with a young guy and each time we got in the van his phone would come out and he was lost in it, there was no interaction, I asked him a few questions which he answered, but he wouldn’t engage in conversation as his phone was far more important. I wondered how young people of today can have any true connection with such a distraction keeping them from it.
Lovely put that if we are more honest offline with ourselves and others too, we can indeed use social media to continue to deepen our connections, friendships, relationships with those close to us and those who may not be . . . I will take that with me even more consciously in my off- and online communications. Because indeed that is a very loving way of using social media – it should be the only way as it would bring a big change to how the way it is used now with all its negative side-effects.
Yes this is the honesty that is not being shared by the masses as we have been bombarded by the safety of the home life and the hidden comfort factors that give us the impression of connections that is far from the truth we all can return to living.
I love what you wrote about intimacy. This is what is missing online. To have it all or be all of you online you need to have it offline. You sum it up well — “Maybe if we are more honest offline with ourselves and others too, we can indeed use social media and the Internet the way they are intended as an extended platform to continue to deepen our connections, friendships, relationships with those close to us and those who may not be . . . yet.”
“When for instance, was the last time you saw an abusive comment and either reported it or stepped in to express your feelings about it?” – To me, this comment says it all, because as long as we all stand by and never challenge what is expressed by others as being harmful, hurtful and unloving, then in essence we are actually supporting this behaviour by default by allowing it to occur as if it is the norm that it should never ever be.
We have the technology to not allow certain comments to be made on any media site but they are not used because we have this belief in so called ‘free speech’ but what we have now is ‘hate speech’ because it seems to me that people can hide behind a false name or tag line and say what ever they want with no repercussions. But put that person in front of the other person where all the hate is being directed and I bet they wouldn’t be able to repeat what they have written on line. Is it possible that if people sit at their computers for long periods of time out sending out such hate mail that they actually develop a psychosis a withdrawing from life without realising this is what they are doing? ? I just ask the question because who in their ‘right’ mind would want to write in such a way?
Transparency is so simple, really just being ourselves, but how many of us feel absolutely alien when we go out into our world feeling loving, tender, graceful and joyful? How quickly do we feel the stern looks, jealously, judgement and even disapproval from others? It takes some very deep loving choices to be made within to hold our transparency in today’s world. But a way of living that absolutely needs to be seen, as there is too little of it and if we are going to in any way change the world we live in, very needed.
Whether we use social media or not, many feel the loneliness that is described here. We get caught in the belief that we are lonley because we have few friends or feel apart from family, but in my experience loneliness is something I feel when I have lost connection from myself.
A great question to ponder, are we using social media to connect in truth, or to disconnect?
Social Media does not replace spending time and connecting with someone in person in my opinion, and this seems to back what I feel, ‘Many more people are experiencing the deep feeling of loneliness and depression, not to mention aggression, violence and cyber abuse, all of which are shooting through the roof and causing increased suicide rates.’
I can totally relate to this, when I am not connecting with the people I live with I can feel that I go into seeking relief from the tension and emptiness of this by going onto social media. It can be addictive, posting things and feeding of the likes you get to feel the emptiness. I can also feel I have gone onto social media and posted things to prove to an ex that I am doing okay, it was a reaction to justify my worth and this just feeds the emptiness.
I wonder what life would be like if we had no internet for a day, no social media, no google, no WhatsApp, I’m not sure how I would feel! I would say the way I use my phone mirrors how I’m feeling that day, if I feel super connected, committed and amazing then it’s an accessory to that, but if I’m feeling a little off or a little lost then it becomes a means to seek something and a distraction from what I’m feeling – so it’s totally down to me!
“…. are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect?” A great point. One sees people – families and friends – in close physical connection, at tables in restaurants, on park benches etc yet most are on their mobile phones, not connecting with those close by. Is this to escape intimacy?
The distraction needs to become more extreme so that people don´t feel where there are at. Actually everything is communicating in this world that something needs to change and that our path as humanity is in the wrong direction. To avoid feeling this, you gotta invent new exciting ways to keep being hooked into a distraction or checked out mode. When this will hit it’s limit in the extremes, is dependent on how fast humanity wants to look at their movements and choices.
That is such a revealing statement Joseph, that thanks to the internet we have the biggest mirror the world has ever seen at our fingertips. It shows us how all the irresponsible behaviours of human beings are magnified there on the World Wide Web, because they are still lived in the reality of our home and local communities. How can we learn from this huge exposure? It certainly brings attention to the ills and rots of our society. But it is no use trying to change it by all the old means which no longer work. Each of us taking responsibility for becoming aware of our own behaviours and their effects and making new choices based on integrity and love is where it starts to change.
We seem to make internet the most important thing next to water or electricity supply. Connection has become so important that we even lose money from not being on the internet for a certain period where sales or work could have been done. We also, thanks to the internet, have the largest brothel the world have ever seen at the ease of our finger tips. One must certainly question the quality of our connect when the internet is no more than just a tool.
Our internet and modern day communication technology might be excellent but do we really appreciate that connection or do we take it for granted and/or as you say, ‘are we using it to disconnect’.
The internet got and gets totally misused . Me personally I would prefer to get back to old school more. Connecting through electronic mail and news, homepages with a purpose that is needed for society in general – yes. But everything else is just exhausting and totally filled with nervous tension. Plus it asks you always to look out, searching in the outside, getting satisfied from the outside instead of focussing on your inside.
That would be a great idea, if we could limit the access anyhow, people would possibly get more aware of what they are doing and that it needs certain requirements to go online.
Is it beautiful to feel that the limitations of our physical connectivity are becoming less and less through the advance of technology offering us platforms through which we can communicate and interact more extensively with the world. But you have highlighted and clocked so well, how we are not truly advancing or evolving as a humanity and if we are honest we are using technology to only advance the comfort, the escape and the distraction we are seeking (and the loveless behaviors that follow) so as to avoid accepting responsibility for the loneliness or emptiness we are feeling. You nailed it here in saying… ‘Maybe if we are more honest offline with ourselves and others too..’ – as the quality of our connections, our relationships be it online or offline, are a direct reflection of the relationship we hold for ourselves, is it loving or is it abusive, and as such the quality we are offering to the world.
Great contribution here Carola. For many it might seem that they are more in of the world or connected to people, because they are friends with them on Facebook or chatting on Instagram. Yes, there is exchange, but non comparable to truly meeting someone and looking in each others eyes. Because you are actually the whole day busy in answering messages or watching other peoples threats and posts, you believe you are connected. What a perfect created illusion, as true connection does not know a switch off or on button.
“I’m having people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by everyone is welcome.” Let’s pay attention to the way we live rather than what is on offer over our phones or internet.
Yes, it seems to be a general trend of escaping from what we feel through social media and a general protection from intimacy by placing ourselves behind our phones. It’s very clear and relevant, so why not reflecting on this and coming back to true connection?
Abuse on social media is rampant in todays society. It can be a tool for connection with others but, first and foremost, it is up to us to stay truly connected – no body else can do it for us.
Perhaps it is the case that when technology is used for confirming the connections we have with each other, then it can be a part of what grows us as a human race in to more understanding about ourselves and each other. But when it is used just to tick the boxes of a purely functional life that is lacking in true human connection, then technology can only serve to confirm that – the isolation and the separation from each other which does not lead to understanding but to judgment, hate and ultimately deep suffering. So it is not the technology that is causing the roubles or the strife, but rather the life lived all around and out of it which it merely confirms. So the quest perhaps is, what life do we want to confirm each time the device is turned on? What life do we want to share all across the world?
Social media cannot take the place of the true connection and interaction between people without losing the appreciation of quality of this.
Whether we use social media in connection or in disconnection comes from how we are with ourselves. So social media is an amazing reflection to show us how the world’s relationship is with themselves and where we are all heading. Even though social media can be used to truly deepen connection, the majority of the world is showing us we actually do not have much of a relationship or intimacy with us. It is awesome to know this because we then know that to change anything globally, the answer is to allow mankind to feel their own love.
The change that technology has brought about has been really fast and the results totally unpredictable – the world has completely changed from how it was just 30 years ago and the change hasn’t stopped or even slowed, it is snowballing as technological advances get increasingly sophisticated and hit as a virtual reality, genetically modified future of consequences that we cannot even begin to fathom.
Nothing is better than spending time with a person in real-time, social media and online communication can never replace old school real-life get togethers, where you’re face to face with someone. A like or a comment on Facebook is such a poor substitute when it comes to being able to look someone in the eyes, or tell them how amazing they are to their face.
Travelling on public transport most days for work I see a high level of disconnection with most people heavily involved with their phones. I love observing the activity and always choose to simply sit with myself and admire the people and the view out the window and many times I also find one other person on the train to have a chat with too. When we are connected to ourselves it’s amazing the connections we can have on a daily basis.
Could it be that as parents we are looking for decency and respect and have no idea where to find it so our children have to get anything other than what they are seeking, which is Love from true intimacy? If we were all living with respect and decency towards one-another then maybe we reconnect to the Love we all are? So then it is highly likely that we are all seeking the same thing from different quarters! With all the tools in the world if we are not seeking the-truth and align our energy to that-truth we will be distracted away from being truth-full, which is shared equally when we re-connect to our Soul.
We have lost the art of getting together and talking honestly about what is going on for us in our work, with friends, at home with family, and make the excuse that we don’t have time to do this in our busy lives, and we are wanting to keep our cards close to our chest so that on the outside we look like we are travelling ok. But the cost of doing this is basically making us sick.
It can be easy to get hooked into social media. I notice myself that when I am looking at emails and I click some links before I know it I have gone way of tangent and off track from what I intended to be doing.
Yes, and the energy that comes with these sides is absolutely affecting. That´s why I started watching myself when exactly I choose to go on social media- maybe I felt too awesome ?!. Since I am very focussed on feeling my body and its presence it actually hurts going on these sides for too long and in general. Only looking up these sites with a purpose avoids affecting me from the imposing energy.
A lady recently shared with me that she loves Social Media as it is so engaging and alleviates boredom in her day, with hours spent reading gossip or personal facts about others. Living life through others on these platforms is totally withdrawing from any true intimacy or even social contact.
Waiting at a printing shop yesterday to collect some posters I noticed how the line to collect items was increasing and everyone had to wait for some time. The instant move to engage with phones rather than stop to connect to others was prevalent. It was interesting to note how that space was provided to just sit with ourselves or engage in a conversation with another and how quickly we can use social media platforms to prevent this from happening yet craving it through a phone.
To Truly reconnect with ourselves and others honouring all we feel and share is so beautiful and brings the greatest joy for it is what we all know and are in our oneness . The internet and social media can be used lovingly with this and offers amazing opportunities or it can be used to deeply harm and disconnect ourselves from reality and as always there is a choice and we have a responsibility with this. A great sharing.
So many of us young people live under the illusion that the amount of followers we have, the amount of parties we go to etc. are fun, bring exciting stories in our lives, but I question how honest are we with ourselves if when we look in the mirror we pick ourselves apart? We hate the way we look, we hate the way we do things, or we simply want to change our lives and “better ourselves”?
Having been a late comer to social media I can agree “the Internet the way they are intended as an extended platform to continue to deepen our connections , friendships , relationships ” this seem to be happening at a very low level and as you say ” another way to get the attention we so desire , to fill an emptiness inside ” seem to be the most popular use of this computer age of communication , and thats what it is , a computer communicating with a computer .
And this computer age is trying to make us humans like computer , cold , with no heart , or intimacy . Thank you
This is a great question – “Why aren’t we making transparency the social norm? ” The less we hide the freer we are to just be ourselves in life.
It is so true, there is the illusion of a feeling of intimacy which is warping our understanding of relationships and puts people at risk.
It is upsetting to hear that very young women and men are putting themselves in serious danger through their innocence and ignorance. There is a great need for education around the use of social media BEFORE these devices are used and parents are the first in line to educate their children in this regard.
I’m sitting on the tube in London as I write this and I am surrounded by others all looking at their phones or the newspaper. Theres this very strange dynamic in these situations where the very thing we crave most – love and intimacy – we actively and determinedly avoid. Why don’t we just chat to our neighbour on the bus or train? Could it be that we fear rejection more so we seek relief from the fake intimacy that social media offers?
The chat to another on public transport is a thing of the past or if practiced in this day and age, we can often get a sidewards glance or be ignored. The craving to be met by another is obviously being masked by the distraction of the screen. A buffer zone or a window with blinds we like to control the worlds access from.
Social Media now affects all of us, like it or not! Smartphones did not exist 17 years ago! Has there ever been an evolutional change in our history that has happened is this short of time? How long will it take to return to connections, friendships and relationships face to face or are they lost to history?
Technology and social media these days has replaced intimacy, it is difficult to make eye contact with someone these days as everyone is so busy looking at their phone screens, it is through our connection to ourselves first that we get to know our own quality that can be shared with all others in full transparency of our beingness.
And as well, we have loneliness itself going through the roof….people are lonely… craving connection, and this cannot solely come from or through a piece of technology
I find it interesting to explore the quality of my connection when on the computer and to check in with myself regularly to feel my body and my movements when I type, posture etc. Everything starts with the intimacy and openness to explore our connection first from there everything else will unfold.
True intimacy is what we all seek and is the only thing that meets that ‘tension’ we all carry within to truly connect. With all that is available to us in this era to connect are we noticing a change in true relationship between people, countries, cultures? I agree that the internet offers much to us all but has it become a place to hide or a place to heal – that is the question.
I remember back in the eighties when phoning the USA from the UK was a costly thing and avoided at all costs – due to the cost. Now we Skype relatives at a touch of a button several times a week, and sometimes daily depending on what is happening in their or our lives – everyone is certainly more accessible. Used wisely it can be used to build relationships which otherwise would not happen.
Very insightful Anonymous, I love the question about the nude transparency. We have many people sending nude photos but actually no intimacy or genuine openness. We find being honest, genuine and transparent difficult because we spend so much time trying to fit in and be liked, and lose touch with who we are what we really like. Yet the funny thing is when we like and love ourselves and don’t go looking for recognition and acceptance we actually find the richness of life, gives us all we actually crave.
This is a great question; ‘have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?’ I would say we have not, the way we use social media is currently used is often addictive; as a distraction and a numbing, all of this does not feel healthy.
Thanks to Serge Benhayon, the truth of holding our sacredness and being truly intimate is something that has been brought to the world by living example. So many words have been reinterpreted and this is one of the greatest causes of humanity getting illness.
How many people now live life through the little screen on our phone? A women’s housemaid that fell out a 7th-floor window and was hanging on with one hand, rather that calling for help she filmed on her phone and laughed, till her staff member fell to her death. We have lost who we are for a very long time but has technology allowed us to disconnect to the rest of the world?
I see it in my day to day life and feel it from personal experience that when the phone comes out between two people there is a disconnection to the other person. Sometimes the other is left fidgeting and lost, unsure of what to do, we can either distract ourselves looking around or get our own phone out as well. But what if we didn’t need to disconnect from others? I am finding that it is uncomfortable to remain on my phone when with someone, the more I appreciate connection the less enticing it is to stay on the screen.
I agree Leigh, many times I have seen couples on their phones whilst out at restaurants and on the odd occasions I have checked my phone in the same situation it is usually due to what is being discussed between both of us, but I can also confirm that it doesn’t feel great when you have someone sitting in front of you and choose to ignore them – it hits home how far from each other we have let ourselves drift.
Also like to add that by engaging more with our phones in these social situations we are ineffectively letting another or many others get in-between our relationships – the sad part is that we are now seeing this as normal, and also believing it is harmless. What messages are we sending to each other when we cannot put our phone down for the duration of a meal, or a walk in the park. What is the quality of our relationships?
Absolutely Julie! It is sad, that it is already so normal to not engage truly, that people don´t realize that it actually hurts them, when their partner is more focussed on the phone than on them. When we eat dinner for example, phones are not allowed. In public I do not what everyone does, staring at their phone. It does not feel right to do so, as it feels horrible like everyone is running around like puppets being controlled by any kind of stimulation. I feel the responsibility to reflect, that it is more beautiful to look in each others eyes, or be with oneself, than being somewhere but not in the actual moment.
I have built a relationship with someone over 4 years via Skype. We have shared many intimate moments in the way of deep sharing. Recently I met this person face to face. Our foundation is there but it feels totally different to be in physical presence. You can feel a lot through social media, but it cannot replace the reality of physically being with someone. It is easy to create an illusion that is not real. It felt like we were starting again.
You make a great point about being more honest offline -we’ve certainly used social media and the internet in general to say and do things that we might not say or do face to face.
So it raises the question – why are we not being honest all of the time. Sure it is easy to ignore what is happening, but it is there, going on all of the time, until such point we are willing to look at the patterns of our behaviour on and offline.
Often people feel like it’s okay to say things online/ offline because of the protection of the screen, however I question whether that really is honesty…
The world is crying out for a deep and true connection, looking in all the wrong places, out there, to fill the emptiness they feel, when it is not out there but in here we first need to look, and then by looking within and connecting we can then look out there and develop true connection.
I was observing a couple of young people walking on the weekend, down by the beach in the most beautiful environment… The feeling of light was palpable… And they both had their heads down texting away… there is so much more to feel and to be, and it really behoves us to live in a way that just by our being leads the way
The internet is a catalyst for our behaviours and group dynamics or politics, and what needs to be erased is the line we’ve drawn to separate the online and offline world. Whatever happens online is a direct reflection of how people are really living, treating themselves and treating/thinking about others.
We all crave to be seen and yet we spend so much time hiding behind a facade that is not even real. Social media platforms came the same, promising much but not delivering substance.
Its incredible to see how even the most mild of articles on a website that allows for comments will be filled with hate and abuse. It is literally the online equivalent of someone starting a fight in an empty room, which is ironically what happens. The internet can be used for connection, but at the moment we have not collectively chosen that use and it is our responsibility to call out abuse, but also perhaps to fill the internet with reflections of more loving understanding of our fellow users.
Your question about how we are offline affects our use of social media and the internet is key. Learning to connect with myself, choosing to feel how I am feeling before I get out of bed, doing some gentle exercises, simple rituals that keep me present – these have supported me so much to enjoy my own company, and how this changes how I am with everyone.
I like the way you introduce here that it is not the medium that is to be thrown out but how we use that medium that needs to be addressed. It is a great tool for connection, but how intimate are we able to be in our day to day and do we use the internet and its ability to mask so much as a good excuse to create a convincing persona we can hide behind?
Yes … connection is so important. What is also interesting is that big business is also realizing this , that innovation comes from communication, but there is a huge paradigm of not being transparent, not communicating face to face and putting it all in an email … and from this there is no spark, no fire to light each other up and grow.
The state of social media is a reflection of society that was previously perhaps more difficult to see, but now we have a window into people’s feelings and attitudes, and unfortunately what it portrays is the true state of the mess humanity finds itself in when it comes to our ability to relate to each other.
True – connecting more with ourselves and those around us offline will certainly help us to keep it real online!
To put it bluntly the internet is full of filth, many comments are full of hatred and abuse, some of the language used is just horrendous and with no proper safe guards in place to protect vulnerable people being influenced. Thank you Anonymous, this is a powerful reminder to not let abusive comments go by unreported.
Being aware is 1 thing, action requires the next which is 2nd – standing in authority and inspiring others will come naturally. It is therefore so super important to walk in fiery natural ways and stay focussed to what is truly important not just for you but the world. To actually discard all the things you know that do not longer work for you and those things you feel attached to and that are interfering with you taking the next steps in your life . It is that easy. Thankyou for choosing so to make your life more simple and by that reflecting it to others to make it more easy to do so too.
The more I focus on love the simpler I feel and so to interact with others and only seek true love whenever I have any type of expression with another makes life about evolution. As we evolve, love I have found becomes the go to rather than reacting in all situations to the best of my ability.
For more about evolution go to;
EVOLUTION
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=EVOLUTION
I recently watched a video called ‘The anti-social network’ via Unimedliving.com which was very interesting but disturbing at the same time. It was about people who troll RIP Facebook pages and harass the parents of the children who had taken their own life due to being bullied on social media sites. One guy who was caught and prosecuted only served a very short stay in prison and then went back to do it all again, and when the interviewer confronted one of the trolls, he said he does it for a laugh.
I was shocked last year when I heard via social media that an old school friend had committed suicide. With so much advancement in technology and seeming connection with others through social media, something is still very much missing for people to be taking their own lives.
Social media, like anything can be used responsibly or not. One of the benefits of it is that it helps in staying in touch with people who don’t live close by, however, being connected on Facebook and seeing what is happening in people’s lives based on what they post is not being connected, it is simply seeing what they want you to see.
“However, are we actually using social media to strengthen our connection with the world?
Or are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect?”. These are awesome questions to be asking, as we would think the latter was the case but as your blog reveals, it is important to look deeper into what we are actually being set up for, how, why and by whom for what purpose?
It seems strange that when you look around people appear to be more distracted than ever before and there is this influx of social media sites, and yet people are reporting being more lonely than ever before. It’s as if the sights were being used to full fill a need and has missed the mark, mainly because of our relationship with them.
I think it would do me good to check social media sites less often and do some more connection in real life!
We’ve made social media the new medium to stalk people and watch people – we are always watching someone and someone is always watching us. And this takes us away from how we interact with people on a physical level. Social media is great for some things, but it is how we use it that matters and our own responsibility when we do use it.
Social media is like anything else. We can use it responsibly to support our lives, or we can abuse it and use it to wreck our lives. Any advancement in technology has its advantages and disadvantages. It is up to us to have the awareness to use it in a way that is not destructive.
Now that is as simple as taking responsibility for our lives.
We do great damage to ourselves and each other when we use social media in a detached and separate way…as though what we say and show has no connection to responsibility or real connection. We in every sense proliferate separation and lack of care for each other and ourselves. It is a serious issue and one that we need to have more conversations about, while appreciating the consequences of our choices.
Even if we think our intentions are good, that we are only posting positive messages, if there is any element of our wanting recognition, then the energy in our post will carry that neediness and therefore will not be clear.
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and imperfect and accepting that there are always opportunities to grow and learn is part of what intimacy means to me and social media impacts this in the perceived need for posts to be perfect and clever and funny. When people have a lack of emotional intimacy that seek out connection online, Are our children substituting true emotional intimacy with porn?
What’s even worse is that all of the Instagram celebrities put this pressure on themselves to maintain a certain image in order to get their followers approval.
The quality of our connection, the true joy that arises from connecting to another is so deeply beautiful and expansive.
The quality of our relationships is a direct reflection of the relationship we are having with ourselves 24/7. What an incredible opportunity we have to see how we are being underneath the outer noise.
This is so obvious and I know this is true but I needed to hear this today. We can never be reminded enough to be the love that we are 24/7. Thank you Vicky.
It is natural to be intimate and close with another and not just with those who we may be our partner or close relative. We are intimate in how we see the other person, how much we open up and share our tender, fun and playful side, and how much we are willing to see that same equal love in another. Intimacy is by no means just physical and if we make it only physical we are missing out!
There are many hooks in social media to keep us distracted for hours, without even realising it. However we can use it for great purpose too, but we need to make sure that we know what that is before we open the page, otherwise it can drain us.
Bring back connectivity with humanity for we have strayed a long way from being a unified group. There are simple loving aspects that we all have that bring more commonalty than separation if we only choice to be the love that is equally within all. Then love can become the norm instead of searching from a point that is taking us further away from love, use our free will to choose love which will continue to bring us back to love.
For more on love go to;
http://www.unimedliving.com/voice/whats-on-in-the-world/when-you-say-i-love-you-does-it-come-with-love.html
We seem to find and use any means possible to bring us stimulation and distraction away from the tension we feel in life.
Great point Bryony. If intimacy is about being seen in full, then the misuse of social media is doing the exact opposite. We are using it to connect but from behind a technological barrier and only let people see the public face we wish to portray. This is what is happening for the average SM user but there are also those who go to the extreme of using social media to create a persona, to make up a new image to make up for their perceived lack. This just confirms to them they are not enough as they are and does not allow them to start accepting who they really are.
I have to agree that social media, whilst having amazing potential to connect us all over the world, is being misused to avoid connecting with people. It’s like we are communicating with each other from a safe bunker! I know of cases where couples end relationships on social media or just by text. I also know of someone posting their engagement on social media, and this was the way their son found out about it! To me that is not connecting, that could be called abuse when you do not respect yourself or another person enough to even speak with them.
‘Or are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect? ‘ – I feel this may well be true. It’s much easier to type out a few sentences on social media rather than driving to someone’s house, or arranging to meet up for a walk ….. I’m not suggesting there isn’t a place for social media, but if we are replacing quality time spent with each other in person, with a typed exchange over the internet, that would indeed be a great loss for us all.
I agree, it’s amazing to be able to stay in instant contact with people all over the globe. However, the quality of our ‘electronic connections’ rely on the connection we have with ourself first. Love this reminder to take responsibility for the quality of our communication, irrespective of the medium we are using.
Its so interesting the many points you make here, we do indeed imitate intimacy by sending nudes, yet true intimacy involves being utter naked in our willingness to be transparent, in our willingness to expose everything that needs to be exposed, without fear or holding back.
I see things on social media platforms that I feel sure that person who has written it, wouldn’t say to someone in person. The tone and delivery can be hard and fast, like a slap, and just because it is on social media doesn’t mean it isn’t felt in full.
Although I have accounts I have not really used social media very often but am aware that in doing so I am holding back from my responsibility to be present, transparent and to express in truth on platforms where currently things are not healthy.
social media, like so many other modes of interaction, can be used to bury ourselves deeper into numbness, comfort, and gratification at the expense of true intimacy – or it can be used to truly connect, to learn, to inspire each other and to reconnect to all. It comes down to – what quality are we in when we log on..
I was talking with a few friends today about how social media was like setting up our own little theatre, self-branding, projecting images and a story line we want others to hold about us. So, more lies, thicker masks, less true connection – as we refuse to put out the rawness of ourselves to be met and loved.
It feels ever more crucial to be honest about the current state of how we are communicating – the impact of which is there for all to see with the fall out from our online activity.
As part of my job I recently had to give online awareness/training to professionals/staff (I work with children and young people in a children’s service). During this what I clearly felt is that on the whole we are not aware of what is really going on out there in the world particularly with social media. And although there is some positive things happening there are many many abusive things going on. What also came to really clearly and I had to reiterate was that we are not having these conversations with children or young people but instead leaving them to their own devices … literally! And although there are a lot of people working together to stop abuse, and connect and educate (as well as learn from) our younger generation there is a lot lot more work to do with regards to this.
Transparency, nothing to hide, amazing to consider, I can feel the mask I have worn to try and protect myself, layer by layer it has come away. True freedom can be glimpsed when we make transparency a point of reference and truth in our lives.
This makes me ask what is it in the way we live our lives that gives the impression that using whatever method, sending abuse, nudes or sexting is a way to communicate with another? It is really quite mind boggling to think that children pick-up on this and run with it, while we sit back in horror and say we have no idea how they picked-up on this. This is a simple denial of responsibility on our behalf. The behaviors run deep in societies and previously they may have been more ‘private’ and ‘secretive’, but condoned by enough people that the truth has now opened up with technology. Time for all to be honest
I have recently come away on holiday with my husband and I really realized in this time how much on a daily basis I use social media. Social Media can be used for true good but far to often it is used in a negative way, no amount of information, gossip, stimulation and emotion on social media will ever compare to love felt in true connection.
So well said Samantha. There is such an irony in the way that technology had supposedly allowed us to communicate and connect with others in so many different ways and to the other side of the world, but what it has done has distracted us from connecting and communicating with true love to each other.
Intimacy for me starts with honesty – honesty gets to truth.
Yes, I agree… there are building steps to intimacy and truth and we cannot run before we can walk, but we do need to commit to practise walking!
We crave intimacy and yet we seem to have lost the ability to allow others in fully and let them see us just as we are. We do however use social media to let others see certain parts of ourselves and our projections and create an image that everything is just wonderful or terrible. No difference really because the projections of who we are not, so no intimacy possible there.
You do make a really great point – if we wouldn’t be happy having a completely transparent, open and honest conversation with someone without guards or walls of protection, then why send them a nude or explicit image of ourselves? We sell ourselves short through the attention we try to attract.
Socia media is connecting us via our joint like for disconnection.
True but also in another way it is a great tool for connecting – it is the purpose you use it for and with. I actually find it very saddening to see how many people walking down the street head down looking at their phone, for me they must be deeply hurt to want to disengage and disconnect from life so much, a deep lack of trust of people, or even people in a gym class bringing in their phone – it’s a little bit like losing a limb for some if phones are taken off them, especially for kids.
Recently during major flooding in my area I have found Social Media to be a real blessing, something that has been used for connection and a great source of media. Snippets, comments and photos are posted keeping friends and others up to date with what is going on. Mainstream media has shown a severe lack in this area and has focussed on sensationalism. Without social media things would be a lot different and I’m not sure we would have much of an idea what would really be going on. This is not the first time this has happened and social media can be a tool of great connection and support.
Exactly Nikki there is a very positive side to it if used in the correct way and intent.
Intimacy is the centrepiece everything needs to support it but with out it what are we truly sharing?
Yes i do feel we are using social media to distract. Have you walked down the street lately or been on a bus, EVERYONE is staring at their phones, myself included, so no judgement here. Simply making an observation that we are indeed in an era where we are so caught up in our phones and looking at social media that we don’t talk to each other any more, which is incredibly sad.
Connection without quality is like not connecting at all.
The internet and mobile communications must be one of the most readily available at-our-finger-tips things on the planet. If we choose to connect by using it then sparks ignite at speed across the globe, if we choose to disconnect and numb out then equally as quickly we see the lights go out.
Social Media can indeed be used to connect or disconnect, depending on our approach to it – if we use it as a distraction by focusing on world problems, we are perhaps not checking in on our own lives.
It’s a ever destroying pool of emptiness that is created when we lose our connection with ourselves and others and seek any substitute for true intimacy and love through ever more extreme behaviours. Technology is supporting this disconnection when we create false facades we can hide behind. Technology is also awesome when used to connect. I remember when the other side of the world really felt like the other side of the world and it was at least a pound a minute to call some one when a pound bought 4 loaves of bread! Now we have a great opportunity to connect if we make the connection with ourselves first. This takes commitment and true confidence as we know that sharing who we are in this world can now be accessed by so many that anyone who chooses to cyber bully us can do so with ease. But the reflection of others who are connected with themselves and sharing who they truly are is such an inspiration and permission for others.
Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back. How amazing would this be if we were taught to do this from very young, so that when we too are adults, our relationships would come from that foundation of transparency and openness that we have built in the early years. We would then see way less relationship breakups and much more cohesiveness and working together as a true couple.
I have not really used social media in a stepping forward with both feet kind of way before, rather just putting one foot in now and again. I have recently though used it to contact a friend who I would otherwise not have been able to contact and can appreciate the purposes it can be used for when required. From this communication I can also feel how this can be extended so that every action we make on social media also communicates true purpose.
This is a great question to ask: “When for instance, was the last time you saw an abusive comment and either reported it or stepped in to express your feelings about it? Or have you ever?” In the past, I would just ignore it and move past, however I have found that through the expression programme offered by Universal Medicine and taking part of this now for well over 2 years, I do not let things just go – I express in a way that is not personal or judging of a person when something abusive or such appears, and I have found that people do respond to that, mostly favourably as well.
This is a beautiful description of true intimacy, ‘Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.’ I can feel how important it is to teach children this, and harming it is for children and adults to think that intimacy only comes with being sexual. There is so much that can support children with that is not taught or shared, of course this needs to be lived by parents and teachers first, such as self-love, self-care, responsibility and being our true selves.
Yes Victoria, I have been pondering this a lot, observing my own and so many people’s behaviour on dating sites in this instance. It seems people are choosing the illusion of on-line ‘relationships’, rather than venturing into a real relationship with a real, live person. It seems much more easy; somebody says seemingly the wrong thing, we just move on to the next person, ready to chat – Plenty of Fish, as they say.
On Friday nights the sites crash, as we suddenly have a moment where we might feel that it would be lovely to have that special person in our lives, so everybody get’s online, try and ‘connect’ with somebody; anybody! So we indulge in these pretend relationships to avoid us from feeling the emptiness of not actually making the effort of having a close and intimate relationship in our lives, and instead of building that intimacy with ourselves first.
We are slipping further away from each other and our use of screens is a convenient tool with which to do this, a justifiable excuse almost. Watching children and their lack of skills to communicate with and relate to other people presents a stark reality for what lies ahead.
Relationships are something we can all work on, as schooling becomes more and more focused on academia and less on interpersonal skills. Children are now looking to their peers for support instead of their parents so standards are no longer maintained.
The beauty of social media with the connection offered to humanity can only be true if we live from our true connection to who we are with the love and absolute integrity that is called for and nothing less.
It is so ironic, that with the advent of the internet and super fast technology we have access to so much more and countless simple ways of communicating with each other regardless of where we are in the world, but that our relationships are not deepening as a result. In fact we are becoming more and more detached from each other. True intimacy with anyone has to start with a true relationship with ourselves first, and is an essential step to building any sort of intimacy with another, and no ounce of technology or social media will change this.
I heard on the radio news yesterday that they reckon E-sports will become as big as football in England and it already is in some parts of the world. It has already got super stars who make a fortune doing it. Is this really sport? I can only imagine how many hours are wasted in front of a computer screen totally zoned out to get that good at it. I also know someone that buys and sell virtual super heroes, I really can’t figure that one out because what are you buying and selling? They are not real! Technology is great and it helps us advance in some ways but it retards us in a lot of other ways like intimacy and true connection.
It is interesting that whilst seeking intimacy is universal, most of us in our search look outwards first settling for a poor substitute such as sex, porn, recognition and acceptance from another. Intimacy begins with deepening our relationship with ourselves first and then allowing others fully in to see and know us for who we naturally are.
Nothing beats the true connection and intimacy we can have with another, we are made to be love with one and other yet this is often far from our reality so instead we create fake ways to communicate to hide our emptiness and pretend everything is ok. When we truly connect heaven is right there with us. We are all suffering when we settle for less then the real deal.
The name ‘social media’ does suggest it is a social activity to be using social media. I often found myself in situations where I would feel like I was showing others to have friends by being on my phone a lot. Yet it did not make me connected to the people around me, actually the opposite. I also notice this with my partner, when we go on our phones it can feel like we are not together anymore.
Naked selfies can be a way of fitting in with the norm so we don’t get labelled by our peers as ‘old fashioned’, ‘stush’, or just plain ‘boring’. Thus they are still a form of protection. They also may be an expression of our deep longing for intimacy which takes the form of attracting attention ‘to fill an emptiness inside’. As you suggest, our online behaviour is a reflection of our lack of transparency with each other in daily living. Yet we long for true intimacy but substitute it with such things. ‘Why aren’t we making transparency the social norm?’
We are still in a world of “let’s pretend” , indeed we have never grown up. All that the Internet and social media bring to our lives is another brutal reality, continuing the long held habits of believing we are being transparent when really we are hiding behind masks and costumes. Yes to approaching socialMedia, and everyday realationship at home, with integrity, love, and understanding, being as super honest about how we are feeling as we can be.
“Are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect?” It would seem that we are! But perhaps how we are using social media is a greater reflection of how we have always been, just in a magnified form?
When we use the multimedia platforms for expressing truth, are not writing our current experiences that will become the history of past events that will cause reflections and foundations in the future?
We have to be honest, really honest, when we are using technology as to whether it is just a way to distract, numb, dull or stimulate ourselves. If we aren’t being honest, we are the ones being used.
Thank you for writing about the topic everyone is not willing to talk about but its literally staring us straight in the face everywhere we go. It is interesting to observe how the need to search on our various devices for intimacy is so great that we are now overtaken the tasks of walking, driving, sleeping and living. Why is there no balance? What is it in the way we are living that we crave this over building a loving foundation?
The other evening I was in a restaurant having dinner with some friends during the early night rush period. Almost every diner had a phone on the table or in hand that were all intently being used. If fingers typing could make the sounds of what they were expressing, the din would have been like a school lunchroom. The paused moments were during ordering and actual consumption of food and drink. It was almost like Doctor Who moment, being in a room of Cybermen with just the small blue light showing you they were there and functioning! Oh, the menu was on Ipads.
A great question to ask – if we are using social media to disconnect – because I see it very often that our phone has become a great dinner companion but in that we disconnect from reality. It’s pretty scary how much technology has taken over and you see it everywhere. So the question needs to become – how are we using it.
Yes indeed. Intimacy is a word that needs to stay on the table until we appreciate how important it is as a fundamental principle in life, as without it we will slowly but surely loose touch with what life is all about – true love and relationships.
‘intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.’ We often hold back because we feel hurt, we express only that part of us that feels safe to express. It takes courage to be fully open but makes a huge difference in our relationships when we do.
I agree, Carmel. We cannot underestimate what is possible in our relationships if we keep stepping forward unguarded and unconditional.
A perfect example of our use of social media is when it creeps in to use when in situations where we have people we could engage with in our company. When we are reaching for our phones in such a situation we should know we have a problem with communication. There is a much higher level of responsibility we need to go to in discerning our use of technology, to avoid being overwhelmed by it in the most negative way.
Social media- the internet, Facebook etc if used for true connection to others to deepen our relationship is very purposeful and evolving, however, if it is used with the intent to harm another- e.g. cyberabuse then this is to be called out and stopped.
“Maybe if we are more honest offline with ourselves and others too, we can indeed use social media and the Internet the way they are intended as an extended platform to continue to deepen our connections, friendships, relationships with those close to us and those who may not be . . . yet.” what a needed and beautiful reflection for being ourselves open to all with true love and communication with each other.
‘The age of loneliness’ at a time when we are supposedly more ‘connected’ than ever before! This is a huge sign to us in that how we are living is very unhealthy and ill and not in line with our true nature at all.
If we loose intimacy or true connection with ourselves and each other we loose connection to the beauty that is in us, and around us.
“are we actually using social media to strengthen our connection with the world?” This is a great question, it may appear so… yet it could be quite the opposite. It will always depend on our relationship with it.
Susan thats so true its how we connect with people, the purpose we use social media for that is the real issue. Like many things why we turn to it and for what purpose is something to reflect on. I know I can use social media to escape or purpose, I am the one that chooses that!
Social media can be a medium for connection, advertising and bridging, or it can be used to get our daily dose, create distraction etc. I am finding that how I use social media is also a reflection of how I am with life as well.
Awesome blog, you bring the truth back alive , as the choice of each one of us is either to bring out the truth by living it or hiding it and so by hiding oneself and its palpable truth.
We can make some connections through Social Media and use it as a medium for creating greater global awareness, but personal face to face contact feels great, and we must not let our obsession with Social Media get in the way of direct communications with our fellow man.
This is definitely a conversation to continue in a wider context as this is truly a problem across all of our societies.
I love all you have shared here about intimacy Victoria, many of us grow up with the reduced understanding of intimacy being sexual acts. This is an area we really need to open up to get to know what intimacy really is. Thank you for starting such a conversation.
I remember a time when we could get intimate by putting pen to paper. Writing and receiving a letter was a great joy to me. I have not yet found how to transpose intimacy to the electronic medium. I know and feel the great disconnect between people despite the relentless connectivity.
Social media, something that can be a great tool of connection, is most commonly used to disconnect. It can achieve disconnection across the board – from ourselves, from others and from our surroundings. We have managed to misuse something that could be fantastic.
There is an attraction within social media which tends to grasp those who use it. It is so easy to get absorbed by it and “loose” time with it. Being and staying concsious present, having a purpose whilst visiting or working with social media
will change the way of using it in a responsible manner.
If we can feel how corrupt our media is then is it any wonder that social media has also run off the rails. Could it be possible by sharing the truth across many platforms with loving content, that only shares the truth, this sight will become the go to and the others will be lost because of the lack of integrity and responsibility? If we start with at least one platform and truth in words then go to: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/truth-in-words/exposing-the-evil-behind-the-bastardisation-of-words.html
This is such an important topic because it affects everyone – whether one uses social media or not we will share interactions with those who do and if we’re living double lives then what quality is there in either?
Well said Karin, – there is no ‘on-off’ switch as we bring what we bring to all, all of the time. And this is felt by all too. So on or off, interaction and reflection needs to be the same …
Great point Karin. Nothing we do in the apparent privacy of our own minds or home when we think we’re alone is isolated and contained. It affects all our relationships and is the quality we contribute to the whole of humanity. If I check out on social media what reflection am I offering another who is trying to seek the same relief from the loneliness and general disconnection that is around that I am?
I used to lov the simplicity of growing up as a child and seeing beauty in the most simplest of things from lying under the clouds and surrendering to the grandness around letting life go, of feeling the gentle breath of summers breeze on my cheeks when going for a walk with nature. So few kids are doing that these days and ignoring the beauty that surrenders us all and equally is inside of us each and every single day.
I heard a quote I quite liked – “Devices helping us connect with those far away, but we use them to disconnect with those close by”. Sums up our usage of the amazing tools we have available.
“Or are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect? ” I can totally see that it can be used to do just that.I connect with many people overseas that otherwise I would not be able to reach so easily, and that is wonderful. I also know when I have used it to be distracted, procrastinate and most likely checked out as when I realise, it’s like oh my god, what have I been doing all this time… Now I have much more of a handle on it and am practising conscious presence when I am on social media. More work to do on this one…
We need to look back at children to realise how far we have lost our way in terms of being intimate with each other. Children can be so beautifully themselves without holding back from what they feel and expressing their natural essence of playfulness and love.
You know, sometimes if I don’t go on Facebook for a while I almost feel like I’m missing out on what’s going on in people’s lives, which is quite shocking if you deeply consider it – firstly – how did several photo posts of status updates replace real human contact and a conversation? Secondly – is it normal that someone can catch up with many of the events in our lives by scrolling through our Facebook feed? To me there’s something not quite right about either of these points, but it is a definite reminder of the importance of human connection and not relying on my Facebook feed for information or to “catch up” with people.
Has Facebook become a window for voyeurism? It may come short of watching sexual activities but it is still silently observing someone else’s life. Then there are all those who freely expose every aspect of their life. The internet is becoming the wild west that is full of exhibitionists and peeking toms with no connection to anything but the small screen and a keyboard!
Also texting seems to have replaced making phone calls to some extent. It is very practical and nothing wrong with texting, yet it does not replace being in front of another human being and sharing an intimate moment or conversation.
Normalising what is not normal is one of the greatest dangers we face with our communication on the internet; from abuse to the sharing of explicit images we are stepping further and further away from respectful, truly intimate, tender relationships with each other and ourselves.
Perhaps a good question to ask ourselves in this case is what part of us is connecting to others via social media if we are first not in connection with ourselves? The answer to this will explain why there is such a deep-seated feeling of complete emptiness and despondency in these seeming ‘connections’ we have with others despite how good they look on the surface. This is because it is coming from a similar place within us. Often what we are looking for when we get caught up in sexting and the like is an instant self-gratification that is exactly that –a ’filler’ designed to make full, the ‘empty space’ we create within ourselves when we withdraw from the expression of who we truly are. As humans we are innately loving, caring and harmonious both within ourselves and with each other but we have become so caught up with ‘surface dwelling’, we rarely show our true nature to any other, the majority of the time because we fear rejection. And so because it is held back, we then crave intimacy and seek a pseudo form of it because we are denying ourselves and others the expression of our love in the truest sense.
I have not heard of surface dwelling before but it so describes where most of us live most of the time. We need to go beyond this if we are ever going to have any kind of real relationship with each other and certainly any of an intimate nature.
Yes loneliness seems to be epidemic. And now we are reaching out for it in ways which actually cause us deep harm. We are desperate for connection and actually have forgotten how to be that. Trust has been lost and so we are not being transparent for fear of being hurt, which shuts us down to being truly open with each other. The greatest gift we can offer for the true evolution of humanity is to be open with others, let them in, share our vulnerabilities, be natural – be a reflection for others to experience what it is to be connected again – and start to build trust in others so they too can become that beacon to inspire others to be and do the same. Slowly we will get there.
Humanity is crying out for connection. Connection is who we are.
“Connection is who we are.” Awesome statement Alexis, if we live by that then the world will be just so much more loving…
‘In our offline world we seem to be more and more disconnected from our families, close relatives and friends. Many more people are experiencing the deep feeling of loneliness and depression …’ It’s for each and every one of us to look at how we can expand our connection with each other. Whilst social media may have contributed to more dis-connection, it’s the quality that we bring when we are online and when we are offline which is the key. The quality of our expression with each other has the capacity to bring love or harm. It’s that simple.
The evolution of the phone: it was in a box on the street in the cold and the heat. Then we got one in our home but had to sit in the cold on the steps to use it. Then we could have one with a very long cord and could walk around with it. Then we could have one in every room! Then we got wire free phones. Then mobile phones that let us stand outside in the cold on the street. Have we not been here before? Now we can be anywhere in the world we want and never leave the house… where will this cycle end? Or, is this becoming a destination, us alone in a box?
Have we? Is there simple protection for people surfing online? No, there isn’t. We can express literally anything and everything. It doesn’t matter if it’s (cyber)bullying, abusive, veil language, harassing, intimidating etc. We don’t hold personal records, we can say whatever we want anonymously. Is this the way we want to go? What if we would simply be able to hold each and every one of us living on this globe responsible for what they do and express online and offline. Technically it’s possible. Do we have the balls to go that far. Do we find each other important enough to support people who are victim of these behaviours? Can we vote for a safe internet? Suicide is going through the roof and our acceptance of the cruelty online plays an important part!
Facebook were in the news yesterday for failing to take down inappropriate images of children, it is absolutely crazy that such a big company can be allowed to get away with such irresponsibility. These big tech companies need to be held responsible and accountable for their harmful actions.
Have we willingly allowed the opening of Pandora’s Box? In September 2016 Facebook had 1.66 billion mobile active users. I am not justifying the large company’s irresponsibility’s but is the task similar to counting rain drops?
Love this Steve – counting raindrops – yeah something like that it seems 🙂
Absolutely Samantha. It is equally irresponsible of us all in the world, to let FB get away with being accountable for this.
This has been said many times before but bears repeating that it is the comfort of the masses that allows for the evil of a few. For big companies to get to this level of harm, there are many steps we each have condoned along the way, even if unwittingly by our chosen ignorance or apathy.
Every day laws are being passed that make multinational companies immune to any law of any land. This is outrageous in itself, but how come there is no en-masse outrage about such actions? It highlights the statement in this article: “What is even more shocking is that we are by and large simply sitting back and accepting everything that is going on.”
I suppose another valid question I could add is “Why do we settle for so much less than we know life could be?” If we all accept less that’s then the norm. It’s so important for people to hold and reflect what they know to be true, and what life can be in terms of richness and fullness to inspire others.
Technology offers an invisible barrier of protection or so we believe – the request we want to make or comment can be done and the outcome if one of rejection will not be felt but can be shut down. The same request or comment made face to face is avoided because the outcome would be to painful if it is a rejection. Is this true or is it that we bury what we feel a little deeper and can avoid what it brings up for us. Is technology a copout and used to hide behind or as a weapon? It can definitely become an addiction and experienced this way when you are out to dinner with a loved one and their mobile phone beeps and so it is checked. What is that feeling that comes up for us when this is observed? There is so much to be explored and exposed in our use of technology.
A great article of what will need to be many more asking us questions about the way we move, the way we communicate and the way we are. We can’t just go on living the way we are, the short term syndrome where almost like a government we only look ahead to the next few years. How much has changed and is changing even more rapidly in the way we communicate with each other? Has the quality dropped? I know if you ask generationally what people see then you will always hear the older generation speaking about this, are they just getting old or are they offering us all something that we can’t see because we think it’s not happening. There are those of us that see the picture more clearly because of our awareness to the facts. We need to pull this back, to turn it around otherwise what’s next? We live in an ever expanding world and yet we don’t look carefully at the quality of that expansion. Some would say we are loosing our way, or walking away from something. It’s up to those that see the mess now and the larger mess coming to speak out and bring this back. This article for me is on the right track.
I have been to VietNam quite a few times but had a three-year gap and the explosion of Wifi everywhere and young adults that all appear to have a smartphone as an appendage to their body. Anyone that has visited an Asian city with their scooters, bicycles and all other manners of wheeled vehicles will know the organized chaos that is the norm, but it works because everyone is aware of everything around them. I observed a Darwin Award candidate yesterday, a tourist riding a bike in heavy traffic texting. We all need to evolve but at what cost?
Social Media, technology, can be very unsatisfying…it promises something that it cannot deliver, because it often lacks a vital ingredient concerning connection…honesty…it is a great tool and it can be utilised for connection but how many of us are committed to true connection in our physical life or otherwise…? I know I have felt a difference when I use these different forms of communication, but in truth there is no difference, it is still me and others in relationship…but what is the quality of these relationships….
As you share, Samantha, how we are with social media is another relationship and they all start with the relationship we have with our self first. I am realising that there is a lot for me to learn from the reflection being offered to me from my relationship with social media.
It is quite an eyeopener isn’t it Alison, when we truly observe ourselves how we are with social media … This blog and the comments offer so much for us to reflect on and what a blessing this is too.
Recently a teacher was attempting to express to classroom of year 6, children (11 year olds) the far-reaching affects of what they post online and trying to express the dangers of the internet. She asked the students “who would want to see a bag of apples” on the internet? The reply was ‘no one’! The teacher sent a photo of a bag of apples to everyone she knew on the 1st of February and the story so far, to repost the photo and for everyone to comment what city they forwarded it from. She had fully excepted there might be a hundred if she was lucky. It got 22k shares in 4 days, and is currently 218k shares and 2.4k comments. The lessen of “Don’t post things you don’t want people to see” was driven home, when she presented her findings to the same class, they were left speechless!
Social Media – a virtual experience giving us a virtual connection. Recently I stopped looking at Facebook for nearly a month. I cannot say I missed it.
Its the most bizarre experience to walk past any restaurant and see people sitting together (in theory) for a meal, but to also see them on their phones, completely disconnected from one another. Time to ask what’s going on?
I feel the addictive part is our restless search for love and connection on a platform that will very rarely deliver
“Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act?”
I feel the word sex does much damage to our children’s already skewed idea of intimacy and connection.
Side by side we have Sex Education in schools which sets out to educate our young about safe, healthy and responsible relationships alongside the unescapable prevalence of sexual activity both online and within the media which offers a very different message, breeding irresponsibility and blowing any sense of nurture or intimacy out the window.
On line or of line the energy that is connected to is what I feel makes all the difference. Thank you, I can feel there is definitely a different approach needed to bring a change and understanding of how true intimacy changes lives. Intimacy is unlike affection because I feel it brings a deep connection that is felt as a truly bonding love.
I would agree with you Greg, affection is something outside of us we crave, where intimacy is what is always inside us… even when we have forgotten it is always there!
Life isn’t about short time relationships, short time goals to be reached, one-night-stands or anything else short term. Every relationship we have is eternally, even if we never meet that person again. The use of social media could be very supportive in connecting and continuously building and evolving relationships because it makes connection very accessible. Yet, the way we approach and see relationships is mostly short term based and there’s too much abuse and manipulation going on. We use social media to hide behind little and big screens to connect on a (very) superficial level, yet we’re actually craving intimacy. And intimacy here meaning a deep connection with each other where both feel safe to freely express what they feel.
Connection is definitely the key to how we are in relationships, and it starts with our own connection and the living of this chosen way, that we then take into our relationships with others.
Well said Julie, everything starts with our selves first as there is nothing we can do with another unless we have done this for ourselves – and in connection or appreciation (and the list goes on) we truly have to embrace ourselves first, and then it will become more and more natural to bring this way of being to the world.
We have associated intimacy with sex because we have forgotten that intimacy is about being in our bodies, being open with another and expressing who we are just by a simple ‘how are you?’ Because we spend so much time in our heads and not with our bodies then it is no surprise that sex is considered being intimate because it resembles openness and vulnerability – but even then it is often far from intimate because we are not with ourselves during those encounters – sometimes intoxicated or fantasizing even. How intimate am I with myself – how much do I stay present with how I am feeling from my body? Do I allow myself to be this open when I am with others or do I shut down and hide? Do I try to screen out what I do not want others to see behind a computer screen, or my tactic is not be visible at all.
“intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.” This blog leads me to ponder what true intimacy really is and how it is not a part of social media. Can it ever be? We need to practice it first within our own lives and bring this quality to social media. What we are experiencing today does not feel like it. It feels like escapism and hiding.
Great that you are exposing this for many of us do not know what true intimacy is nor even that we long for a deep connection with another. We so often settle for empty substitutes which match the emptiness we feel inside. And the problem with this is it provides a temporary sense of comfort which glazes over the inner knowing that something is missing and so we tend to give up looking for true connection.
What if we were to teach children that ‘intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection’? What if we were to support children to stay open and deal with their hurts as they arise and allow them to be as they are without feeling they should be a certain way for us? This would change the world if we didn’t just teach it but we lived it ourselves reflecting this to people everywhere.
And this is something we can practise today… how cool is that… the tanker of entrenched behaviours will turn!
We can practise this every moment of the day – always choosing anew if we missed the practice … and by this choice and the repetition of it this will become the ‘new normal’ even though there is nothing new about it …:)
The way we, in general, use social media is a reflection as to how we connect, or not. when we meet in person. The responsibility, irrespective of the situation social media or not, is ours; it is ours to be and bring ourselves in full, truly expressing our innate wisdom, love and light.
Yes, online and in real daily life too.
Social media has the ability to connect us to many people, yet are we losing the art of making true connections, and opting to have more social connections that don’t hold the same depth of honesty and integrity which people once held, and do we also allow and excuse ourselves because this is what we believe future communication is and if so we have a huge responsibility to bring back honesty and truth in all our communication with everyone no matter how well or not we know them.
This is a great question – “Do we even know what intimacy is?” In my observations of the young people I work with, there seem to be few close friends or family that they feel comfortable opening up to, to share how they are truly feeling. So is intimacy going to become one of those old-fashioned words that gradually gets phased out ?
We are all walking talking intimacy that has prised itself apart.
It’s great being able to communicate for free at the touch of a button, but it’s not free – there are adverts on every screen, otherwise how would the platforms be able to provide such services. We tend to ignore the adverts but that does not mean we haven’t taken them in – taken in the energy of the product they are trying to promote. So there is a subliminal infection going on. How well do we feel after two hours on Facebook? I know I don’t feel great.
The power of social media is to realise that intimacy and naked honesty with ourselves is natural. We only have to express it in daily life, whether online or off.
Love your comment Adele, so true – whether online or off!
The more I observe our behaviours with devices the more concerned I am for the human race. We are becoming less than human and it is like we are sleep walking into a crisis of loneliness and disconnection never previously conceived of before.
Real life has become so intense we use anything and everything to take the edge off and check out. Digital devices are just a very developed tool for that.
Social media may be ‘normal’, but if the way we use it were true, we would not have the insatiable thirst for more, for connection – thus displayed in so many out of control behaviours and addictions that are also being considered as ‘normal’.
Interesting word this little word ‘normal’ isn’t it? Heaps to ponder upon when and how we use it to maybe justify our behaviour …
I have heard many times that facebook and other social media is great to keep in touch with old friends but my German friends from my youth nor my family are on facebook. Some are on linkedin but overall, there is still not much contact through social media.
I have found the total opposite – some of my family are on facebook and not any other platforms and I have been able to find and reconnect with many friends from overseas too. For me it is to be observing if I am truly connecting using this platform or just being in distraction – easy to do and very important to be aware of.
This is a great question to reflect on, are we using social media to connect, or ‘are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect?’ If we are honest, I am pretty sure, social media can have the effect of disconnecting ourselves, something to observe and check our purpose with at all times.
So true, Susan. We are only truly connecting with others if we are first connected with ourselves, then we bring the love that we are to all our interactions. If not, in disconnection, we leave ourselves open to whatever energy we are in at that moment and that is what we are bringing to everyone else.
Yes, and we all know and love that feeling when we feel someone giving us all their attention when we speak. We all want to be listened to and it seems like technology how it is currently being used is robbing us of such connection.
‘Do we even know what intimacy is?’ I am not sure we do. I am still bringing it back to its true definition from something apparently private and if I am honest a bit shameful. I know moments of intimacy in many of my relationships, including with myself, and it is an exquisite quality of transparency, openness and fragility.
In my experience, we all crave love and connection and social media seemingly offer a quick solution – but not so. Social media have made it possible to connect at the touch of a finger but the lack of true expression continues as does the abuse which has even increased because now we have the cloak of anonymity; everyone can become a virtual strongman and woman and shout out their unresolved hurts into the ether. We are at present more acutely and painfully disconnected than ever before even though superficially, it doesn’t look like it.
If love and connection was truly felt on social media then we would simply not need to engage with our mobile devices for the hours and hours that people do.
The current style of trending communication , social media, etc.. is about complete distraction and deliberately takes us away from any connection, true intimacy and relationship.
I have noticed when others around me or even myself at times, instantly disconnect from those around them/me when we take out our phones to respond to a message or just to catch up on our emails or messages. It seems that whenever there is a pause or break in communication in interaction, out comes the phone to fill the gap. We all want true intimacy within our relationships with others, but it seems we are not choosing it.
Thank you for exposing there is ‘gap’ between how we communicate online and how we may in person. Being able to be truly intimate and transparent is something I am learning yet I find it much easier to be more open when texting or emailing than I do in person. By doing this through written words though it supports me to express more in person.
I’d agree that technology can be a great way to deepen relationships and connection, I’ve developed beautiful relationships with people in Australia that without Skype, Facebook and emails etc we would never ever know each other. But the quality we take into the digital environment comes from the quality we hold in the real world. Because I have many a time sat next to someone, a friend or family member and they have either been on their screens or I check mine and there’s a feeling of disconnection, a gap between us that opens up as soon as we break out the phone and check our emails. That’s not to say I can’t reply to a text from my mum while out with friends but very often social media and technology can cut us off from those around us if we allow it and use it in a way to avoid what we are feeling. Like if there’s an awkward moment and rather than address it we start web surfing.
It seems that we live with social media as a substitute for real connection with the people who we are physically with. In a house where everyone is either on the computer, or watching TV where is the real communication?
I agree, Rachel, coming together and sharing an evening meal together has often been the only time families come together and communicate face to face with each other. More and more even this seems to be dying away as people’s schedules become so full with after school/work activities or simply the pull to check out in front of the TV becomes too strong. So, when are we making time for true connection with each other in our day?
Such a great point that you make here. Plenty of people talk about the harm of social media but very few step into action of feel like it is their responsibility to take action about reporting abuse. It is something we all need to feel a part of cleaning up.
Yes so true, for myself I find I do not let things pass, and abuse or abusive comments I will address in way that the other can hear without feeling blamed or such like …
And so sophisticated are those ways to avoid connection, that we can believe we are more connected than ever.
“In our offline world we seem to be more and more disconnected from our families, close relatives and friends” The key is to not see nor live life as ‘offline’ and online’ for they are all one and the same.
I love the simplicity, responsibility and clarity encapsulated in this point. Thank you, Gyl.
Social media is best used to support existing friendships, not as a replacement or a creation. The odd text to appreciate a recent conversation, or a quick message to say we’re going to be late, is supportive and useful. It’s when it takes on a life of its own that it gets out of proportion with ones own life and begins to create things that haven’t actually happened or don’t actually exist.
I often walk into to restaurants all over the world and see the same thing: people at a meal together all on their phones. Or one person on their phone and the other one looking bored. Social media has been used to disconnect. It’s sad to see but it is our responsibility in how we use it. My husband and I now have a no phones upstairs policy and it has supported us so much to have that time back.
Working in a restaurant I see this constantly, even between people on a date together. When the person before us is on a screen and we are the bored one there is a feeling of loneliness, they may be connecting online but at what cost to the real world, in person connections? Because online we can hide bits we don’t like but in person you get the all of them, as imperfect as it may be it is far grander to be with than to accept only the pleasing or socially accepted parts we may show online.
Social media is quite new so we really don’t know what the long term consequences of it are. Clearly some things are considered to be better because so many people use social media but there may be drawbacks that will take a little longer to be well known and understood.
We seem to have developed many ways to avoid the connection to ourselves, food, social media, sport, tv, drugs, sex, alcohol… all to not feel. We love to fill our body with junk of all kinds and wait for the crash before we begin to do something about it, when we really don’t have to suffer, we could re-connect right now, with ourselves and each other, but first we have to wake up and stop numbing ourselves because we don’t want to feel that fact that we have walked away from our true nature, and that hurts.
That’s very interesting jacqmcfadden04 ‘ to put myself first in my life which meant taking care of me and all my needs. With self-care and self-nurture in place, tensions and anxieties began to drop away which made it easier to ‘let people in’ and connect’… I know I still shut people out sometimes and blame it on my ‘past’, or my ‘issues’ but the reality is, I am wanting to remain in my comfort, hiding from the world and this makes me sad because I know I am much more than this and all I yearn for is the connection to me, which allows the connection to others to happen naturally, so thank-you, I will continue to deepen the self-care and self-nurturing and cultivate a little patience with myself and without judgement, allow myself to blossom. I was listening to the words of a song recently – ‘we are here to reflect love to each other’, so until we do that, everyone is going to feel alone and disconnected from each other despite the growth in social media.
Can only agree Anonymous, social media is great if we use it wisely.
I love how you describe intimacy when you share “That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.” It is something that brings a level of easement in my body when I read that and let go of the protection I often hold.
Thank God I know what true connection is all about and do not go looking for something outside myself as seems to be the normal approach to how we live life. One thing that is to me the main reason in life why so many others and I have got caught up with an attitude that life has to be a certain way is from group pressure. We as a group would slag off our peers probably the only difference today is the speed that the internet provides. I love what you have shared here, and from what you have shared I have learnt a lot.
It’s kind of strange, as we are a nation of people who crave intimacy and truly being met and feeling truly loved, yet we do everything we can to not have this in our lives by the way we interact (or not) with others. Spending some time around young children I find, is a great way to get a reflection of how we were and how young children just know how to be themselves naturally so. They are also very honest, something that is much needed.
Seeing the preciousness in who we are with is lost when we look deep within a screen and not deep within the other person. Continually looking at a device is no different to putting up our hand at the other person and saying no go. I watched a mother and father sit on their phones their whole dinner while their gorgeous (just like them) young daughter sat there piecing through her meal all alone. As a whole, we have just come up with a very sneaky way (with a disguise) to avoid and checkout in a socially acceptable way.
I guess social media is the same as any verbal conversation. How often do we speak up and challenge anything that is abusive or not loving in our daily conversations in person as well as on social media?
I have often noticed the same situation. People not conversing with each other but looking at their phones . Maybe we need some agreed etiquette on the use of these phones in public places and private like diner tables, or elsewhere. There is a sign in the little Post office where I live that states that if you are talking on your phone then they will not attend to you!
Recently in England there was a kidnapping case where two girls aged 13 and 14 years kidnapped a 3 year old from a clothes store. When they were caught and the police investigated it they took the girls computer and found they were regularly viewing kidnapping sites, torture sites and pictures of children being raped. The police knew it was them as searches co in sided with school times and homework sites.
This is super super scary as it shows what is available out there for young people to view, and the serious consequences it can have.
Wow! How can sites exist that share such content?
The number of times I see couples or families out for a meal together and either one of the partners or all of them are totally focused on their phones. I find that really sad and wonder why we have chosen to allow this kind of behaviour in our relationships with others.
‘However, are we actually using social media to strengthen our connection with the world?’ This is a great question, and something we should ask ourselves before each time we use social media – am I strengthening my connection with the world and am I strengthening connection in this world?
This is a great point Kylie. It would also suggest that it would be useful to be clear on our own priorities first prior to starting a social media session, e.g. reaffirm the fact that I wish to strengthen my connection to the world and then take that presence and intent with me as I start engaging on the net.
I agree Susan, connecting with another online is a huge amount of responsibility in how we do this and how are we with ourselves when doing this. This needs to be taught to everyone not just children and young people. We really do need to have more discussion around this.
Are we not creating a new ice age with avalanches of loneliness that are becoming unabated?
Great question as so often one can feel the cold of this appearing in our daily interactions and the myriad of ways we transport ourselves across this enormous planet. A train ride, bus ride and so many other forms of commuting are great opportunities to melt this away yet how often do we add to the cold instead of bringing the melting quality of intimacy and connection?
We may have the bridge from one person to another – but the way we walk on and across it, and therefore the quality we arrive at the other side will always be up to us.
I so appreciate the claiming back of the true definition of intimacy. It is exquisite and tender and belongs in every interaction and relationship.
It is interesting how we have something that connects us all wherever we are in the world and opens up our lives and yet we find ways to misuse and abuse it. Abuse in the street is not allowed so why do we allow it on the Internet?
Communicating on social media should be like face to face. Why is it that when we get behind a screen we feel it is okay to cry on however we like, where is the accountability and the relatability to decency? When this is forgotten. Bullying takes hold.
This is a great point. It is interesting to observe how, if we invite someone round for dinner for example, we will put all our attention and focus on being together while they are there, and once they are gone can very quickly go back into our ‘default’ mode of listening to the radio or music, or waching TV rather than engaging intimately with the people that we live with on a day to day basis. Its crazy, as its what we all crave, but its also what we seem very willing to do anything to avoid.
Technology is a facinating thing, especially humans interaction with it – it is a case study of how our intent is such an inportant thing – if we intend to use technology as a tool to futher facilitate connections with people that we eqaully give time to in ‘real life’ it can be an amazing thing. If we use it to check out of the real world, it can become quickly addictive. If we use it to say things we would never say to someones face, it can become a dangerous and abusive place. We can see in our constant drive to improve technology and make it bigger and better, to push the limits, that we are loosing touch we what it means in some ways to be human – to live, to love and to work. I recently saw a discussion about how in the fututre a vast percentage of jobs will be automated – when a machine can perform the job a thousand times quicker and without human error and not require pay, why hire a human? It is these discussions that show how we have lost sight of the fact that this planet is enhabited by humans, not robots and not technology. When everything is done by robots will we finally find happiness?
Its hard to imagine a world without all the technology we have today, but is it a necessary evil? Sure it is amazing to be able to connect with family and friends especially when you live at opposite ends of the planet but if true intimacy is lost in the process is the cost too high? I feel fortunate that I didn’t grow up with a smart phone in my hand or plugged into an I-pod (which funnily enough my daughter doesn’t even know what an i-pod is as they have come and gone in a short time as the phone now does everything) I saw all this technology come in slowly and can still do everything the old fashion way, like reading a map. Where will it all stop? It freaks me out how hell bent we are on trying to create robots to do everything that humans can do, will our best friends in the future be robots and will any of us be able to do jobs that robots can’t do better for less money?
I’ve been feeling recently how we might give up a ‘bad’ habit in our life, but in essence the behaviour remains the same. For instance you could give up alcohol, recognising it feels horrible and is just a flawed way we try to escape, only to switch your attention to living life via likes and posts of Facebook friends. Without us dealing with the underlying hurts we face in our life, what follows are just different fkavours of us running away from the world and Love.
I wonder how many of us in a couple relationship have led ourselves to believe that we live lives of intimate connection with another? That the occasional what we call ‘intimate relations’, the sharing of a home, a mortgage, parenting, the shopping, paying the bills, attending dinners and events together and the rest – as many couples do… actually equates to true intimacy?
What if the guards are dropped, and we turn off the TV, the music streaming service, we turn down our need for our ‘daily stuff’ to be heard and gotten off our chests… and we actually allow the space to connect with each other? No phones, just a simple meal, a walk tenderly holding hands, a knowing that the one we are with is everything in God’s eyes, as WE ourselves are also… An intimate appreciation of oneself is what can start the process, can’t it – the process of learning and deep remembrance that love has always been awaiting our allowing of its presence in our lives, both the expression of it, and the letting of it in from another. That the moments of intimacy may actually become more continuous in their stream… and we not be lost in a streaming busyness of activity that holds little if no true connection at all…
Awesome comment, Victoria. Maybe this is why, it appears to be alarmingly common for people to be on their phones while having dinner with each other. The space is there for intimacy and yet instead, people are choosing to distract themselves with their phones ….. sadly revealing.
It is sad Alison how much a phone or tablet is used out of not wanting to feel rejected from another or even ourselves and/or see what is really going on in our relationships. I also love Victoria’s comment, it is a blog within itself.
A myriad of means to connect, and yet are we really connecting? Well said. Do we not all crave true and deep, joyful, loving connection with another/others deep down? To be met for all that we are, and meet others in kind?
We’ve become versed at constant distraction away from this fact, and masterful even, at kidding of ourselves that this busy and continual stream of interchange is actually ‘it’.
And it just takes a moment of honesty when we stop and consider the quality of our interactions on social media, to truly assess whether these are true connections and relationships or the accumulation of social media presence and ‘popularity’.
How often is social media a way for us to deal with our desire to connect without having to worry (much) about the risk of rejection? Putting up an extra cat photo will not incur much opprobrium, calling a friend could in may ways lead to a feeling of being rejected.
In re-connecting with ourselves, we re-connect with everyone else – it is simple and in my own experienced undoubtedly true but I am also aware of the alluring, vacuous energy that is social media and how it will speak to any point of weakness if we choose not to discern.
At a recent family lunch gathering, the request was sent out that no-one brought their mobile phones into the restaurant or at least had them switched off! After a few moans and groans about having weird grandparents, the request was honoured and we all enjoyed having space to communicate and connect deeper with each other.
Connection is key … and it is connection with ourselves that defines the quality of every interaction – online and off.
Intimacy is not nudity and nudity is not intimacy, well said. What are we doing when we think that we need to advertise ourselves in such a way, how desperate is this act and what are people really craving when they do it? Just like food doesn’t satiate most hunger so does nudity not satiate the craving for intimacy.
So true Gabriele, otherwise nudist camps would be all the rage.
…’have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?’ I guess not, as a collective we are not calling this out but use social media ourselves very comfortably. Online or offline there should be no difference in how we are with each other.
The word ‘intimacy’ is almost becoming alien to us, especially for the younger generations. I feel it has been replaced by the ‘instant gratification’ of an online world.
Janet as a fifty year old woman, I am only just coming to know the word intimacy and suspect that it is a word that has been avoided worldwide for generations because had it not been avoided we would’t be in the mess that we are currently in.
What’s even more worrying than teenagers or adults abusing social media for nudity, disconnection and to avoid relationships nowadays, is the fact that the next generation are going to grow up with this already the normal… What will be the ‘new’ form of disconnect for the children growing up now? And as you’ve shared, if their only reflection of intimacy is sexual activity, nudity and pornography online then how will they approach relationships?
Important point Susie, if we allow this to become our norm today then what extremes are we headed towards in the future?
‘have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?’ This is a big question – Social Media, the use of, is not taught ins schools, but it goes on in schools. Parents switch off from their kids while they check their emails or their social media – we have lost the ability to make eye contact and smile, and, worse than all of that is the harm that is being done directly through grooming kids, and posting pornographic images, and all the nasty comments that kids make about each other, not to mention adults abusing other adults online, with no reason other than to appease their own feelings of hurt. The dangers are extreme and it all appears to be out of control because technology has developed and is developing faster than our social skills and our ability to deal with it, whether through law or just our simple everyday life skills.
The connections with social media can be great and keeps us in touch across the world if used with responsibility and integrity however this is so often not the case. It really comes down to the honesty and simplicity and love in the way we live and it is the energy of this that makes all the difference.
Social media has become a very easy answer to filing time or looking like we are connecting with people but the reality is – it is used in ways that are not this at all. Social media is also about disconnection and abuse – and to me this is an opportunity for us to consider how we are using it. I know a face to face with my family is much more intimate than a Skype conversation – and recently I see how seeing them in person helps to set the bar on how evolving our internet conversations will be – until the next time we meet.
If we treat humanity as our family, every detail that does not sit right and does not feel true, there is the lighthearted responsibility to express it. Not just online, but face to face every day with people.
Is it ironic or poignant that the technology for our connection to the world is also used to Tag people to imprison them at home? I hear of a game, where a group of people that go for a meal all put their phones in the middle of the table and the first one to answer their phone, pays for the dinner! How many friends do you have on Facebook… that the only contact you have ever had with them was to accept their friend request? Are we imprisoning ourselves from the world with social media? There are contests to win a vehicle, to just be the one that can keep one hand on it the longest, has this become our phone that is never out of reach?
Great article, worthy of deep consideration. The great digital experiment continues, and only time will tell whether such way of connection is ultimately supportive of society.
‘How confident would you be to stand completely 100% transparent (naked, figuratively speaking), without any protection at all – no walls, no guard, no holding back – in front of that person to whom you sent a nude? Why aren’t we making transparency the social norm? Great question.
Thank you for this great conversation opener! My feeling is that most people use social media as a replacement for true intimacy, no different to pornography. Through social media we can appear to be very social, very popular, very much present, but in reality it is still happening behind a screen, done behind a guard and a with a distance to things. We have to be very careful that this does not then replace the reality of life, which it seems to be doing in many cases these days.
It’s true – we use social media to fill an emptiness inside. Even texting is filling an emptiness. If we are not physically with someone then why are we not focusing 100% on where we are and who we are with. It feeds a longing and provides excitement and entertainment to continually text someone. It actually makes us feel more empty.
Social media is increasingly being targeted at young children and it is a responsibility to be aware and open to the latest craze and to speak up if necessary. I was recently told by a teacher in the school where my children attend that there is something all the time being developed. Building relationships with our children, teachers and parents and expressing how we feel about the latest developments in technology is paramount if we are to put an end to the abuse that is being aimed towards our children.
It was reported the other day that the average is now nine, for children to get a smartphone and this has caused the UK government start sex education earlier for age specific groups in an attempt to inform them of the dangers of the internet. They may be trying to shut the barn door after the horse as bolted… but it is a step in the right direction!
It is a concern indeed, that social media is bypassing the gradual development and sometimes awkward learning of how to be in relationship with one another.
The use of pornography to seek intimacy is a falsity because what are we relating to? An image or the actual essence of another?
Well said – there is no intimacy or connection to the true essence of another in that, it’s empty and cold and leaves people hungering for more as there is just nothing without true connection.
A great call for us all to be honest about responsibility that we all inescapably hold, to call out abuse, speak up in truth of the loveless behaviours we see, feel or are in contact with. I agree the more we are honest offline, and more importantly with ourselves first, the more we can bring truth, connection, intimacy, true love and evolution to all our relationships, offline and online.
Awesome blog Anonymous highlighting some important points about how we use social media – and as you say it is commonly used as a tool to disconnect. It is sad and shows how far we have drifted from our true selves when many feel more comfortable in posting a nude selfie of themselves rather than being honest and transparent with another and allowing the space for a deeper connection. I can feel this is something we all have to be responsible for and to notice the way in which I am using social media because it is an opportunity to connect and express more honesty with the world or am I just using it to check out and further confirm to others this harming behaviour is ok.
I can feel how absolutely essential it is that we discover true care and a loving honouring with ourselves. I know from my experience before I understood what this meant I would act in a way to get attention. This was all considered quite normal behavior like the ‘selfies’ today. However I can’t and don’t want to avoid feeling responsible for the development of the culture of bare all the net, because my contribution in the past was to the same pool of energy. We can shift the behaviour by starting to truly care for ourselves and offering a reflection of what it truly is to feel lovely and precious in our bodies so we literally don’t have to sell ourselves short.
True connection is the foundation of our society… We must remember this no matter how glittering and attractive technology becomes… Nothing will ever take place of that warmth and full body glow of true connection
Chris I believe that true connection ‘should be’ the foundation of our society but alas in many society’s throughout the world there is a distinct lack of connection. As individuals we are rather fragmented, which leads to a feeling of collective fragmentation. But once we re-connect to ourselves, then this will naturally lead to re-connection within society. It’s what we all crave.
The proliferation of smart phones games and being glued to them is getting worse each day it seems.. i was having my hair washed last week, and next to me a guy was having his too, (and here in Asia your whole body and legs rest back on a couch to ease strain on the neck)…. and i noted that this person’s arms were stretched vertical to their laying down body and a phone held high in their hands.. playing a game. They were glued, had zero connection with what was being done to their body [head/hair] or the person washing his hair. Total disconnection, that we may find humorous to see, though inside a person the depth of sadness must be so enormous to make disconnection the autopilot way it is fast becoming.
In using social media and IT to communicate we can choose to either discern what energy comes with all we do or open to the door to allow it in without consideration – this is not only leaving the door to our house unlocked but placing a sign outside saying ‘all welcome, help yourself’.
Honesty is huge, an impacting factor onto the quality of our life, and it is not just about what we are not doing, or what is not us, the things for us to shed….It is also definitely about what we are, who we are and how much we could appreciate what is already there.
I totally agree Susan that social media offers us all sorts of amazing opportunities, especially to connect to others all around the world, but it does not appear to come with an operating manual as to our responsibility. It is definitely time to teach our children from a very young age about this important responsibility, after all the age for children using social media seems to be getting younger and younger as the years go by.
How we generally use the internet is not different of how we are in our daily life. We are disengaged from our bodies and trapped in the mind in endless thoughts and day dreaming wondering around without any heartfelt connection with the world and the people we live with, lets say we are very functional but absolutely not intimate.
We can forget that everything is energy first and thus do we use the internet and social media with energetic responsibility that strengthens our natural connection with others or separate us further.
I know myself there is an overuse of technology, a hook into my smartphone to check instagram or Facebook or whatever, but I also have a marker of how life used to be as I am old enough to see, and am taking steps to be more responsible. But I wonder how much harder it is for a younger person who has no previous marker, did not have a childhood free of devices, what then is their future in terms of social media, where are we all going with our constant connection to screens and our ever diminishing connection with people.
Interesting question, Stephen. I have always been quite resistant to technology, maybe because I’m slow to change, or because I just prefer communicating face to face with people, enjoying being with them. I have also witnessed my children being very absorbed with facebook to then realise exactly what we’re talking about here, how it actually creates loneliness and separation as people start comparing their lives through pictures and posts. I feel we can all recognise what’s actually going on with our mis-use of social media, if we choose to, and I reckon in the next few years we will start to see a correction and a return to more intimacy.
“Have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?” It feels true that online activity, social media and video gaming has left us more disconnected from friends and family that ever before…the quality of our interactions seem reduced with more focus on our phones and computers than quality discussion.
the Internet is an extension of our abusive lives lived behind closed doors, we can’t expect it to be different or to be surprised.
I agree Vanessa, the way we are on the internet is not different then we are in ‘normal’ life, disengaged from the body and trapped in the mind fancy all kinds of thoughts but void of any true intimacy, that is in connection with ones own inner heart.
I heard on the radio yesterday that reported cases in England of sexual abuse amongst minors, has risen by 80% in the last three years which is totally shocking and is probably directly linked to the increase in access to devices and the internet. What has become the norm amongst the kids of today has gone way too far and must be somehow changed to a new more loving way of growing up.
Ten years ago we told our kids to turn off the TV and the game station and go outside and play! Then the first smartphone was released! What have we done in the last ten years with this technology? With this giant step forward, have we also stepped even further back in our evolution with others and our selves?
The illusion of space or distance from yourself and another that you are choosing to be abusive or disrespectful with over the internet, sees many thinking that they are seemingly untouched by what they say to another, but we are all in the same pool of energy so how can we think it doesn’t affect all of us?
People can forget that those intimate moments they think they are sharing with one other only on social media can easily have devastating consequences when the information is then passed to others. We have a responsibility to ourselves and others as to how we use all forms of social media.
The whole technology trip, has it advanced or retarded us? Probably the later and we are relying on it more and more as another revolution of the sun takes place. It’s quite disturbing how glued to the phones some of us can be, only yesterday I saw a guy on a bike texting in heavy traffic, could he not stop and do it. They are really clamping down on people who use their phones while driving due to the amount of accidents they cause so maybe we need to look at bikes as well.
There is an illusion of a ‘safe’ distance with the internet, that breeds behaviours that are not responsible, it is a bit like driving a car rather than walking down the street..that separation can bring road rage in some and curse words in others…..we need to be responsible in how we use the internet, it can be as you say an amazing ‘platform’ for building relationships with intimacy, care and responsibility.
The use of social media and its current intent has far more potential for true connection than it is being nurtured and used for and the harming and destruction of our very essence and beauty as humanity is being exploited and is very harmful . This is an amazing blog sharing our true connection with ourselves firstly and how with this all else can be changed to one of true opportunity to bring each other together as one humanity lovingly and our responsibility with this is profound.
Social media when used with purpose is a great tool for communication for these current times; when used as a means to disconnect and escape from our bodies and soul we can create great harm in the quality of relationships we have with ourselves and others.
We each hold a deep responsibility with our every expression – be that in person or via text and social media. Our expression creates ripples in the universe beyond the words spoken and our intent is carried far.
Hear hear – everything has an effect on the whole, to really embody that awareness will go a long way to heal our at times not so conscious interactions and support us in developing our conscious presence in all we think say and do.
We cannot judge anyone’s behavior without knowing the full picture of their life or lives. And yet social media can easily be used as a short cut but an elusive one to get to intimacy, when there is no connection built first with ourselves. But with a relationship with ourselves, not perfect of course, but present, this relationship can be very beautifully lived with another on and off social media. There is always another way.
Social media and the Internet are tools, like anything else if we are not connected to our own internal connection of the heart then anything we do, is a disconnection from the all. Learning to value and appreciate our one true connection is the catalyst for all loving connections thereafter.
A common way connections are often made on the internet is through comparison, “am I better or worse than another how many likes do I have’? as a measure of one’s worth. A desperate attempt for intimacy, which leaves a person open and vulnerable to abuse where a few words can drive a person to take there own life. True intimacy is what the world craves and is missing.
I heard on the news the other day that there was a child porn bust made that revealed an extraordinary 150 tera bytes of porn which if you don’t know is HUGE especially when it is mostly videos. But this is only the tip of the iceberg many experts reckon. And what’s worse is that this was all available on the internet. Of course you hade to know where to go to find it but nevertheless this is available on the web. The Internet is what we make it to be and when it is used in this way it is very damaging for us all.
This is a great question- “when for instance, was the last time you saw an abusive comment and either reported it or stepped in to express your feelings about it? Or have you ever?. If we are to use the Internet then we have to take responsibility for not only how we use it ourselves but be prepared to call people to account who are abusing it.
Sticks and stones may break our bones… but today words have been known to kill us! Has the Internet, with all the amazing things that it has opened up to the world we live in, also become an assassin’s tool of choice, not with bullets but with social media and words? Has the death of intimacy been given its place to express its frustration, like Speakers Corner in Hyde Park… but anonymously!
“Imagine how many street poles have been hurt by careless humans who aren’t watching their steps while on their phones?” This is actually quite funny, but it is true, people are so glued to their phones, they are checked out and cannot see where they are going. Its about time people stopped and took more responsblily.
It seems today we have to wait for an ill diagnosis aka a street pole to bring us to our senses.
Hahaha – in Germany we call it a ‘fence post” 🙂 and yes so true, sometimes a ‘hard hit’ seems necessary to bring us back from wherever we were …
There is a warped from of intimacy that happens via social media. Intimacy is “all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.”. You could say that many people’s posts on Facebook fit this criteria. But when you are prepared to share all on social media and not with those physically around you, something is not right. There is a level of disconnection and much more going on with self-worth and need that can hide beneath a seeming openess to share all.
Social media is not just a medium to connect; it is also a package of images of what does it mean to connect and to be connected. If you judge your level of connection to this world based on your presence on social media probably you will be pretty mislead. The point to understand is that we use social media to carry on our existing style of being in the world and of communicating with others. As such if you are open, you are also open in social media. If you choose to show a bit, this is also what you do. If you hide behind words, this is also what you do.
Yes, Anonymous, what a good blog to read this morning. We behave so differently on social media than we do in real life and intimacy and connection get very confused. Without a doubt this is food to digest and unfold.
The suicide and mental health rates not to mention the rates of violence and aggression and extreme online behaviour for me are all signs of the same one thing – that we deeply crave true intimacy in our lives but we are not getting it living lives of protection.
It is vital to consider what quality are we presenting when we use social media something that is true of our innermost essence or not?
Always discerning where we are coming from or what is running when present on social media, is a good starting point to develop conscious presence in our interactions.
Great questions asked here. How many of the social media ‘friends’ or ‘followers’ would we turn to if we needed support? How openly are we prepared to stand behind the comments we make and why do we have pseudonyms or anonymous options? Do we feel truly intimate with and totally loved and honoured by those we are sexting and if so why sext in the first place? Are we using the ever expanding bells and whistles offered by social media providers as a clever veil of dishonesty?
It is indeed so important to consider what the intent is and the quality that we communicate in, rather than the volume or breath that a particular communication platform may offer.
When we share information with friends about something we’ve seen on Social Media we don’t always discern the energy it comes with.
Are we not engaging in voyeurism at times when are just reading and viewing how others live, as is presented? And, the other side of the coin is others posting on their sites: ‘Look at me!’ Are not both examples of disconnection?
Why do we wish to disconnect from our essence? I know that sometimes I can feel very deeply what is going on and it is not comfortable, so distraction is a form of avoiding true feeling.
I have a friend who doesn’t have a mobile phone so when I need to contact her about something I call her up and we have a chat. I must say, this feels far more personable than sending a quick txt message which sometimes feels impersonal and the easy option. Are we just getting lazy in choosing to message someone instead of taking the time to truly connect with them and does this lack of connection reflect the lack of connection we have with ourselves?
This line floored me, “Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? ” – it is something I have been considering for a while now. The way men are raised to fuse connection with affection, and intimacy with sex ensure that we end up without real intimacy or connection
The answer is not turning off the computer or social media as you share Anonymous what we need to look at is the underlying lack of connection to our essence that drives the need for so much distraction.
Years ago when I was having a mammogram, the doctor showed me an array of X-ray photographs taken of lots of people’s breasts – they were all different, and the point he was making was to ask why women bother comparing breast shapes and sizes when we are all different anyway.
I agree we have lost the art of conversation, on the underground, people use mobile phones to avoid eye contact with each other. Dinner parties the phones are out. The only interactions are people sharing their phone pictures!
I think it would be a really interesting experiment to ask 10-20 people from the street to read out every single one of their social media posts from the last 3 months… Would they feel as comfortable or confident saying them out loud as they do online? Would their posts be different to how they’d usually speak?
Good question Susie W and this is a great marker and question to ask before we post anything.
It’s a great question and there was an ad or something around this where people just did what they did on social media to people in their neighbourhood and further afield. When seen in this scenario, it all became so ridiculous…
I was speaking with a friend of mine who teaches English as a second language and was amazing to hear that her young adult students don’t talk at their break time… they are all on their mobile phones in silence. It seems there is a whole room of people to connect to, but students choose to check social media out instead. Our behaviour really does change with social media… a generation ago people chatted in the breaks.
I have also witnessed the same thing with some of the younger adults at work. There is a lot of time spent on the mobile phones during the working hours and as soon as the lunch break comes the phone becomes their total focus, whereas with the older generation we will have a chat to each other or make arrangements ahead of time to have lunch together. Obviously this is not all young adults, but it is enough for it to become a big enough issue for phones to be banned to limited use only during working hours.
True connection and true intimacy is so important to be taught to us with the real understanding of connection and what this really means to us all as brotherhood and who we are naturally . This is so important with the enormous technology advances social media and the internet growing everyday and the with the bastardisation and harm to our very beingness of love and who we all are.
“Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.’ A brilliant question to be asking.
Ironic isn’t it, here we have a medium that could support great connection to each other no matter where in the world we are and many of us are using social media to avoid connection to each other, the exact opposite to what is possible if we were to use it wisely.
I see the joy and appreciation of a grandmother interacting with her young grand daughter live on Skype – the distance between them removed by the wonders of our technological age. Yet equally I see a generation exposed to an unregulated playground, where irresponsibility and meaningless connection is rife, is normalised. It’s an ugly cycle where the empty content continues to feed the increasingly empty vessel. Building a more transparent & honest relationship with ourselves is what truly feeds us back, and allows us a foundation from which we can discern what feels true or not.
Any other tool in life can only serve us when we are already living life well without it, and use the tool to enhance our life. Whenever the tool starts to take over and we start to have more focus on our tool than on the life it is supposed to support, as our use of social media devices show, we ought to recognise we are in trouble.
There is a real irony in the way we are using Social Media today as although it does connect us with people all over the world at the flick of switch, it also just as quickly disconnects us from each other when we are sitting at the same table. I was in a doctors waiting room recently, and another patient came in and said to her husband, “nobodys talking to each other as they’re all on their b… phones” She was right, and even a couple sitting next to me with their young toddler who was in a travel seat were totally absorbed in playing a game on their phone rather than to interact with their child. The child just kept looking at his parents for some sort of interaction, but not getting any he had learned to rock himself in his little chair.
Yes, Sandra, a sad snapshot of how we have let social media disconnect us rather than bring us closer together. Even my dog looks at me when I am engrossed on my phone as if he is saying ‘what is this thing in your hand that is more important than playing with me?’
If we use the internet and social media in a way that supports us it can be life changing in a very positive way. The unfortunate thing is that it can be used in a way that can become destructive. We can become dependent on it to fill the gaps in our lives so that we don’t have to feel the emptiness or what is there to be felt in the form of unresolved issues. In this way it can be used as a total escape.
I agree Anonymous, there is a great need for us to be more open and honest with ourselves and each other, and make talking about what we are choosing in any moment as a natural process that we do with each other regularly. This kind of role modelling would be a huge reflection for the younger generation and help to keep situations much less reactive and open for insight to Truth and evolution.
As you say Anonymous intimacy really begins with being honest and intimacy with ourselves – to know who we are inside out and to the very depth of our being. We have become so caught up with the outside and ‘making a good impression’ that we have lost the art of being true to ourselves and the others with whom we share this planet. When we look someone directly in the eye and meet their gaze we are allowing someone to connect to our essence.
‘Do we even know what intimacy is?’ – I would answer a definite NO to this question. Most people have no idea what true intimacy is – in truth, how often do we let people see ALL of us and who we are, as opposed to what we think we need to be and look like?
There are many great news articles posted on Social Media, some of which are informative, although we don’t really know how much truth is written there unless we discern by how it feels. Often the comments that follow become a battleground as people air their views in a negative, emotional way, and those do not feel nice at all. These are not directed at anyone in particular except, perhaps the politician or group of people they are referring to, but every negative comment leaves an imprint for all of humanity, as well as harming the person who wrote it. That’s what they don’t appreciate – there is a common thought that venting your feelings or airing your views gives relief, but in fact what happens is the energy comes back into your own body and makes you ill.
‘Or are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect?’ This appears to me to be the far more prevalent purpose of social media.
And once we have disconnected so much from ourselves, it then becomes easy to spit the toxic bile that we see all over the internet. The simple filter “would you say that to someone’s face?” would eradicate a gigantic percentage of the abuse that exists online and proves the point that an online ‘relationship’ bears no resemblance to a true physical ‘relationship’.
What is the situation that has caused me to add to all that is going on today. I feel it has been my lack of self worth and loveless existence of me and my generation that has had a flow on effect to the following generations.
So the selfies that are taken are only exposing true love and connection will make a difference. We all feel that there is a different way and some are already providing a platform on social media that is making a great deal of difference.
True connection and expression is firstly our responsibility.
The internet and social media cannot reflect other than the empty soul-less exchange that mostly operates whilst this is the living quality we willingly accept and express forth.
This question is something I like to consider often, Amita. It is absolutely within our reach and simply down to our everyday choices, which inspires me to play my part as much as I can.
Being really honest about the quality of our interactions online (and off actually) is really key for the future of what society looks like. Are we simply trying to rack up likes, followers and some kind of status, or are we taking ourselves into the world to connect with, learn alongside and meet as equals everyone in our lives?
I have just seen an advertisement from a major TV satellite company that is now offering a free App for phones and tablets… for children. Is this a step too far? Cradle to grave comes to mind, is this the ultimate hook and method to ensure our intimacy … with our handheld devices?
I have heard women say that no man ever speaks to them on the street or train anymore because everybody can use Tinder. That could mean that many meaningful relationships don’t happen anymore as Tinder is not a serious relationship site.
When we go out to dinner with our friends, family or partners, and then open date evening on our phones, even for a small amount of the time, shows us that we as a society have an addition to technology and are using it to replace normal and everyday physical connections. When you sit with someone at dinner, learn to hold a conversation and not give into the temptation to check Facebook or instagram where you can seemingly connect quickly with people, but not develop a form of real relationship.
‘When for instance, was the last time you saw an abusive comment and either reported it or stepped in to express your feelings about it? Or have you ever?’ – Indeed, how often do we wake up to realise that we have been sleeping in class, and that we missed or ignored the opportunity to speak up?
I love you question about the true meaning of the word intimacy. Bringing it out of the bedroom and into our everyday relationships. Not naked pictures, but openness and honesty in our face to face interactions.
Very true Matilda, intimacy is medicine if we make it real, practical and everyday.
Just a few days ago I got aware how much I was hooked into my phone. Checking in all the time for missed calls, new text messages, new comments on facebook and so on and it felt like I’ve allowed myself to be sucked into some black whole. Now with my head out of that black whole I feel much more with myself and more “there”. I discovered that there is a world outside the phone as well and that it’s very enjoyable.
This blog makes me consider how we use technology to connect all over the world and yet there is such a disconnect in the world right now. Countries are literally splitting up and putting up walls but somehow we think things are better. It’s a great point to truly consider are we connecting in every moment to where humanity is at or are we just using technology to better our lives as individuals.
It is as if, once we have the idea we are connected, we can then disconnect in real life by putting up barriers. This allows us to have shallow but not meaningful contact as if keeping us packaged in cotton wool.
This article has raised the awareness that everything can be abused. Social Media can harm or it can heal – it is the choices the person makes using it that means responsibility and integrity is it’s foundation or it’s not.
A great blog offering so much for us all to see in a world with technology taking over in our communication and the responsibility we have in how we use it. True connection is the only way in whatever form this is from within with ourselves first and only from there with everyone and this can be felt as everything is energy.
I am showing my age by saying I remember using green screen computers and the birth of Windows version 1.0 (32 years ago) and internet speeds of 1200. Today, these are equivalent to Stone Age axes. We now have live HD video conversations on our phone to multiple people all over the planet, and there is nothing that is unknown thanks to Google. Or, we become voyeurs of life through the screen. Do we evolve now or become floppy disks?
Your reference to floppy disks, while being hilarious couldn’t be more true Steve. If we aren’t evolving, we can appear to be getting more intelligent, but it is nothing compared to universal wisdom.
If the current obsession with our devices and the virtual world keeps increasing at the rate it has for the last 10 years, will we even remember what true intimacy is, I saw a skit on a comedy where a husband had to text his wife in bed to get her attention as she was glued to her phone, only for her to text back, who is this? May be funny but is that where we are heading.
When we are not connected to ourselves then every-thing that we do will also be done in a disconnected way, which also means that when we are connected with ourselves then every-thing that we do, will be done in a connected way. Therefore whether we are connected or disconnected with ourselves is the single most significant factor in every single thing that we think, say and do.
Society has disappeared into social media in search of the intimacy that it so desperately craves. We will continue to scour social media until we realise that what we are looking for is not there. This realisation will contribute towards transforming our relationship first with ourselves and then with social media, which in turn will result in social media being used as a tool for connection rather than a crutch of false connection.
We can only get as close to another as we are prepared to get to ourselves.
I love social media. I love everything I see in social media, not because everything posted on social media is loving, far from it, but because everything expressed allows me to understand humanity deeper, to accept where we are at deeper, to be intimate with each other on a level beyond the physical deeper. Social media is a language where we are all looking for intimacy, but our expression may be awkward, we may be timid, we may be over-confident because of a lack of confidence, we are all learning to connect in a myriad ways—many of these ways are unwise to begin with, but ultimately this is a process and we all want to love and be loved.
“Maybe if we are more honest offline with ourselves and others too, we can indeed use social media and the Internet the way they are intended as an extended platform to continue to deepen our connections, friendships, relationships with those close to us and those who may not be . . . yet” – true , i know for myself that working on (self)honesty has opened me up, and that has seen me using social media whereas before i’d never feel comfortable with it or with expressing myself on the www. When there’s true openness, there’s nothing to prove, and everything to see, and that’s what makes a great and true relationship.
Because we now have the tools to bring us closer than ever before in the temporal sense, our ‘great divide’ is easier to see. That is, although we can be with each other across great distances at the touch of a button, our quality of connection (not just a fuzzy screen) or lack thereof becomes very apparent. We have all experienced what it is like to be present with someone but not really there. It’s like hugging someone at arm’s length.
It is not a new phenomenon; using our body to get attention or feel a form of intimacy…
But what a concept that exposing our bodies to others can be a kind of mask, a way of avoiding true intimacy by hiding who we really are…
I want to be sure I am feeling into what is and is not fulfilling our need for true intimacy.
I am feeling more and more what real openness, sharing and connection is and it usually has to do with turning off the phone and being with whoever I find myself near and being willing to share myself raw and uncencored.
A device or technology is only as good as the quality that it is used in and for. Social media is an excellent example where it can connect others or be used to isolate us from others.
Love your expression Jenny as I feel exactly the same, It just requires our conscious presence and awareness to use it for the good of all.
Has the Internet become our Black Hole? That has no reflection because it eats light. We have allowed it to become a giant straw that just keeps sucking our connections to everyone and to the point where we have become alone in the crowd. It is time to reboot the system and return the internet back into what is was meant for… a tool for connection with others to aid in the exchange of information!
“What is even more shocking is that we are by and large simply sitting back and accepting everything that is going on.” Yes, we are all noticing that we are not connecting and honestly this feels very uncomfortable if you choose to be aware of it. Like sitting on a train and everyone is with their phones avoiding eye contact or standing in an elevator looking straight ahead trying to again avoid contact. This is something we first have to look at: why we as human beings are so ‘afraid’ and avoiding connection.
“How confident would you be to stand completely 100% transparent (naked, figuratively speaking), without any protection at all – no walls, no guard, no holding back – in front of that person to whom you sent a nude?” – it’s a good question, perhaps the sending of the naked photo is in some way something used to display or get across the deep desire/want for openness or transparency, only they (as so many of us do) equate intimacy with sex. When true intimacy is understood such mis-guided ways to convey it become obsolete.
Such a great blog, addressing an issue that is causing all of us to become isolated from each other, but believing that we are closer than ever. How wrong can we actually be, and what is that saying about where our focus lies? Are we so far removed from each other that we are willing to accept a picture or a few short words in our responses because it’s the trend or we think its fun. It all feels wrong and disrespectful of those we are supposedly interacting with and care about.
Your words here, highlight to me how we take anything under the sun and use it against what we most need. It seems to me we could be presented with the most beautiful tool for knowing Love and harmony and turn it into a factory for illness and disease. This is how we are after all with our body. It is so naturally designed to connect in the most amazing way that would put any technology we see today to shame.
A wise man once suggested to me that much of what the human race has invented is a way to replace aspects of ourselves that we have long abandoned and deeply miss, for example; mobile phones being the current replacement for the telepathy that was once the ease with which we naturally connected & communicated.
Getting more open and real with ourselves and each other offline definitely feels like a step in the right direction.
How different would be how we use Internet if we are connected to ourselves and to our bodies. The ugly face of Internet (a huge one just to be sure) is just a reflection of the disconnection in which human beings live on a daily basis; disconnection that feeds disconnection in the name of freedom of expression.
Great that you start this discussion Anonymous and super question to pose: Or are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect? Everywhere you go, people are pretty occupied with their phones, for example on all public transport, no-one connects with the person in front or across from them because people’s heads are looking down into their hands holding their phone…. with heads down, there is not even a simple exchange of eyes meeting or a smile or even a good morning, it all feels pretty cold and empty because people who are disconnected with themselves first, are unware of the disconnection with all others.
It is true, when you observe human life, we are not connecting more with social media on our phones, it is actually less. Last couple of days I have focused on looking into peoples eyes more and it has been gorgeous. Just a little smile exchanged or a twinkle in our eyes is the most nurturing thing to receive in daily life – connection.
Just like money is not the source of all evil, neither is social media. It is simply a tool, a mechanism, and it is what we do with that tool that either defines it as a weapon, tool of distraction, or tool for deepening our connection with the greater world.
Our use of social media to disconnect and fill an emptiness we have created and allowed is merely a by-product of how we conduct ourselves in day-to-day life. We have accepted a far less for ourselves and in many cases, abandoned ourselves altogether…this is the first disconnect. We are merely taking one disconnected being to interact with another.
True connection requires us to meet ourselves…it is then a connected being that brings this living quality to another.
Such is the nature of brotherhood and true inspiration.
With communication in the world undergoing a huge adjustment, and not for the better, I feel that it is more urgent than ever that we raise our young children with honesty and awareness of what is going on in this world that they are growing up in. Beginning with the understanding that intimacy “is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind” and not a naked selfie, is a great place to start.
Technology like social media and the internet offer so much possibility of connection but like anything in life what is the quality of the being that is utilising the technology? Are we connecting with the fullness of who we are or with an emptiness and the need for acceptance, validation and approval.
You make some great points here. Our online world is a direct reflection of the way we live offline and this is a real wake up call because the level of horror and abuse available online is beyond hellish and this is before we even get to the sides of the internet that are unseen by most (the dark web etc). Love is more powerful than hate and fear and we all have a collective responsibility to use modern technology in a way that offers healing rather than harm.
Yes, sending nude pictures on your iPhone is certainly a sad reflection of how far removed we are from the true intimacy we all long for.
I have noticed how so often my friends don’t tell each other what they are up to, they just post a photo or a status, known everyone will see it and therefore to them that’s the same as calling a person up or messaging them directly. But how does this affect people and relationships, where there is a lack of actual discussion and communication about how life is. Just posting a picture or a status is not the same as a deep and meaningful conversation about your day – it can be a great tool to share and be connected, but it can’t become a substitute.
Posting one’s status online and the constant posting of selfies is just the modern version of that little sliding sign on the door that says In or Out… but it is still a closed door!
We are constantly being offered more and more developed technology, that is and will continue to be the fact – the question is, how do we, each and every one of us, handle it? Are we completely wreckless and/or checked out or are we using it in a conscious and responsible way? The choice is ours.
Connection vs connection, the words may be spelt the same but the difference is black and white. In a world where we are more connected my experience has been there is less connection. Or is it that we are more aware, more able to connect with others that we have to find greater distractions to stop truly connecting?
Good point – “Or is it that we are more aware, more able to connect with others that we have to find greater distractions to stop truly connecting?” Something to truly ponder upon for all of us…
Yes it is beautiful to be connected with just the click of a button, yet I know the connection is not from the device, but from the quality I take to the button/call/Skype. I’ve had calls with friends and family where the connection felt is deep and rich – thank goodness for technology, and thank heaven for the connection we feel with others.
I remember in the days pre the internet/smart phones, that a landline telephone call to someone being something definite, and the communication more clear as to its content/message be that a time and place to meet, and that we’d keep to what was confirmed. Connection was more clear or pronounced, though these days with the rise of internet and smart phone technologies, we ourselves and our connection too, have become more casual, lazy, lax, even dishonest… it’s now easier to ‘get away’ with things or make excuses last minute even second, with instant messaging. With the non-stop increasing rise of technology to increase connectivity, more and more is the connectivity of ourselves, and this with others too, being diluted, delving society deeper into ‘fantasy realities’ where true connection, our first nature, becomes a distant second…
Great point Zofia. I didn’t get a mobile phone until I was 23 years old and I am really glad I had the experience of living mobile phone free until then as I was not faced with the pressures and horrors that young people today have to deal with today. I distinctly remember that there was another way of communicating that required more integrity. Our relationship with technology reveals the way we have been living all along though. There was still abusive sexual behaviour going on, it was just hidden because nobody videoed it. Animals were still horrifically tortured but nobody uploaded the photos for all to see. In the age of information we are unable to deny just what a mess humanity is in.
True, Leonne. The horrors of how we are really living and what we are doing to each other cannot be avoided due to the unrelenting online world we have created.
I love this – ‘Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.” And not just teaching our children that, but this is for everyone to learn about, as only a little while ago someone, a male in his late 50’s said to me that intimacy meant walking around in the nude in front of each other …
‘We have made sexting and sending nudes so common that it has become ‘normal’ and those who don’t do it are then ‘old fashioned’, ‘stush’, or just plain ‘boring’.’ This is horrendous, for an older person like me to accept – I have no direct experience of anything like that – I think photocopying your naked bottom was the worst our generation got up to, but I guess permitting that was the start of this, what is now happening on Social Media. What we think is harmless fun can turn to something nasty.
It is a great point that nowadays it seems to be ok to send a text and let people see our physical body naked. Yet we do not let others see the real us naked. The vulnerability, the loveliness, all that we hide away under a carefully constructed mask does not come out to play. This form of nakedness is what we really need in society, so we can actually get to know the real us and allow others to see that too.
Nude photos is showing yourself intimately in a physical way, but how disconnected have we become that we need to do this? the irony is many do this to feel connected by attention and so forth, in the most negative way. So we could say we are ‘craving’ intimacy and connection but we don’t know how to have it in a true way.
I have noticed that the use of social media and electronic devices in general has become endemic and that people don’t seem to know how to live without them any longer; screens have just about become appendages of the human body and true intimacy between people has been lost to chat rooms, superficial so-called friends and slander and vilification in their worst forms.
The issue is still how much love we express and are ready to receive. Easy, instant connections like in social media are no substitute for love, though they give us more opportunities to express love should we decide to do so.
It’s all our decision how we use anything – to heal or to harm, to connect or check out – we have the choice. It’s not the thing itself, it’s how we go about using it.
“Or are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect?” – In a society that desperately seeks intimacy and connection, the rise in technology mediated ‘connection’ is a symptom that shows we have mis-interpreted how to truly connect amongst ourselves. These symptoms and signs are all over and indicate a big underlying problem of disconnection, which in effect we are all here to heal…the question is when will we be ready to truly look at it?
‘Have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?’ – reading this instantly brought in the responsibility and question of, what are we adding to by using our phones to check out? You would have to be blind these days to see that people are very reliant on their phones and to the extent they are used. It is also common to see how people are disengaged within the work environment when they are pre-occupied with their phones, and at what cost to the company.
I know the power of connection that technology can bring us – the ability to develop relationships and foster and deepen them. Or, there is also the lack of connection – messaging and emailing and checking social media and yet feeling unmet, and disconnected to those I am seemingly in touch with. How we use technology is so important and a great reflection on how we are with people in ‘real life’
Very good blog. This is a question very much worth raising – “Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? ” Our world and relationships would be in a very different place. And by relationships I mean friendships, family, work colleagues, partners etc – so it may be worth looking at the word relationship too. A teenage girl recently shared with me ‘No one teaches us about how to have a loving relationship with ourselves.” So there definitely is the call. Not to mention the bullying and abuse that is rife through technology from primary school aged children upwards.
It would be useful to look honestly at the games we are playing on social media. Why is it that when some people are posing something on Facebook, loads of people click ‘like’ and when someone else posts exactly the same thing, no one bothers to ‘like’ it. Are we clicking ‘like’ because we genuinely like what has been posted or because we are trying to kiss up to the person who posted it?
It’s a great point; it’s unlikely that we’d be happy standing completely naked (figuratively or literally!) in front of those that we’re sending these images to on social media, so why are we comfortable sending naked photographs on a phone? Why should we have a different standard of relationship with anyone online as we do offline?
There is indeed a huge contrast in how the internet is used. This is one example of the extremes we live in, and another contrast that comes to mind is how technology is always climbing to new heights yet we are sicker and more disease ridden then before. So, what’s going on?
I was watching a clip on social media where a woman was walking along on her phone and didn’t see a fountain in front of her and fell into it. Unfortunately in life to many of us are walking around with our heads down and in this we miss seeing each other.
It is shocking that our acceptance of what is normal keeps plummeting further and further. How did we end up accepting digital ‘friends’ and ‘likes’ as equivalent to connecting with people for real? How did we end up accepting nude photos as equivalent to having intimacy? How did we end up accepting virtual reality games are equivalent to joy of engaging with life? We may be able to pretend to ourself, but when the idea of going gadget-free for a week or even a day makes people anxious, and when there is a cry for more and more extreme programs and gadgets it is a sure sign we are getting it very very wrong.
I appreciate all the devices as much as the next person but I am ever so glad I didn’t grow up with them. I wonder how many young people know how to read a map. I feel we had to be more committed before mobile phones as well, because if you said you would be somewhere at a certain time you would be there, but now we can always txt and cancel or txt and say we will be late or have the flu or something.
I heard a joke recently about the current generation with their iPods, iPads, iPhones etc and how the closest thing we had in our generation was I Spy…. I can remember many boring car journeys playing I Spy with my family, with the most exciting thing being to include objects inside the car as well as outside the car…but there was a closeness between us and I enjoyed having time together nonetheless.
Unless we as adults know the true meaning of the word intimacy and live it then how can we teach our children that intimacy is not a sexual act. I know for most of my life I thought that intimacy was just that, two people naked and having sex. It wasn’t until I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine who presented the fact that I could be intimate with everyone and anyone that I saw a whole, new meaning to the word intimacy.
it is important to read what is being communicated by ourselves and others on social media. How often does
a post or picture truly connect with the world rather than promote self or seek attention out of need or emptiness.
Meeting ourselves first and foremost and in this connection, opening ourselves up to connection with all life, bringing our true essence to the fore will inspire many more to follow, to see that true connection and intimacy is the way forth.
So often I hear of online abuse by people who’d never dare be that way with someone in person. Why is this? Is it just because of the cloak of anonymity, or because it is what is acceptable online socially? Or is it because social media is a step away from the fact that there is a real person behind every screen? In the same way it is like people forget that there are people behind every statistic and people behind those people and so on. We are all connected but if we forget this we forget each person is uniquely important and worthy of love, respect and decency.
It is completely in our own hands, and connectiont to ourselves, that we determine the use of social media. It is a super powerful way to connect with the whole of humanity if we choose it to be so.
Yes exactly so Benkt- used correctly so much can be gained for all.
This is a really interesting topic, for many social media has become a place of conversation that lacks the true intimacy we get when we talk face to face, yet increasingly people are becoming more comfortable hiding away, and at the same time exchanging conversation that would not normally be acceptable face to face. Humanity is becoming more distant and separated than ever before.
Intimacy not being a sexual act is something that I don’t feel is a shared or common understanding amongst society. I certainly would never have believed that intimacy was a deep connection with another and had nothing to do with sex a few years ago. Since understanding just how much I ‘protect’ myself from people, I’ve come to understand that it’s intimacy with others that I have avoided for much of my life. I realise now that, I was missing out by doing that, I was isolating myself from those I loved by keeping them at arms length.
Yes Elodie, I too have come to understand that it was the true intimacy and connection with another that I have been avoiding choosing to protect myself because I didn’t want to get hurt. It’s crazy how we can protect ourselves from the very thing we crave most and carry out acts and behaviours that take us further away from that which we so truly want in our relationships.
We have devices and technology that allows us to connect with people from all over the world yet like you shared, many people feel more alone, more disconnected than ever. I feel perhaps many of us are using technology and social media to distract us from truly allowing ourselves to feel how disconnected we are living and what is truly going on. It seems we have been very good at using various forms of distractions to not address what we feel is missing in our lives, true connection.
How we are on social media is a direct reflection of how we are in all of our relationships with others and even ourselves, and it’s very clear, we are not wanting to truly connect and be vulnerable and intimate with each other.
I wonder if the reason we feel so much more lonley today is because of the greater number of ways to connect, and yet we dont use them to connect deeply and on really meaningful levels and so we get the impression of connecting with people without the deep and meaningful intimacy of real connection
How often do I choose to have a look at my mobile to see if there are any messages, email, messenger, what’s app, skype. And how many percent of the times I watch am I actually doing it because I FEEL to do so. Not very often when I’m honest. It’s more like a habit, a drive for recognition rather than I am truly with me, choosing consciously to have a look. It is quite sad if I’m honest. I’m such a profound man, is this the self-worth I am offering myself? Enough to be truly honest about and make different choices.
It’s common to join in or belong to fit in to be fooled by the outside view of ‘looking cool.’ The more that feed this existence of outside recognition the more that will look and loose touch with your own feelings where it is normal to not trust, withdraw, fit in, exist, not love another, give up and be lonely etc. We can even then try to not be the above and still be disappointed.. Recognising yourself is key. Start with your worth by feeling and knowing you – What makes you truly feel good and what doesn’t? Celebrate You and build what is true inside you. Be open to learning what is true for you and what is not … look within not without.
Technology is definitely highlighting the levels of true intimacy we as a one global humanity are willing to go with each other.
Superb blog, and by the look of the responses, one discussion that is sorely needed. If we are truly honest, do we have any idea the real implications that our developing technology is having on our lives and our ability to truly relate to and connect with ourselves as well as others?
The smart phones are now set up to be interruptors of life – as we may be in the middle of a normal face-to-face conversation with a real human being and a phone goes ‘Bing!’ and we cannot help but look to see who is leaving us a message, who has liked our Facebook post, and we lose connection with ourselves and the person we were speaking with. I’ve just recently turned off ALL notifications – the peace is lovely. I look when I want to look and not when some controlling energy tells me to.
It is the general ennui around stepping in, saying something or reporting abuse that allows it to continue. Yet this holding back is born of the disengagement we’ve learned that our phones and laptops can give us.
Connecting with someone in essence is simple – just be fully present and open to them and meet them for all they are. Within social media there are many distractions from this by design so that although the concept is connection, it has incorporated many methods of converting this to something other than the process we all know to be our true way of being with each other from within.
A sad state of affairs when the screen becomes more important than those you are actually with. Don’t know whether this is true or not but I have heard it said that some people will text each other whilst together in the same room, rather than talking!?
Yep it’s true, this is real scary stuff then isn’t it if that becomes the ‘norm’ …
I like what you said here, “How confident would you be to stand completely 100% transparent (naked, figuratively speaking), without any protection at all – no walls, no guard, no holding back – in front of that person to whom you sent a nude?” Hiding behind a screen and pressing a button you already know there is no connection there because you are not connecting, just provoking.
I have experienced that when I have a text conversation with someone it is possible to create all sorts of things that are actually not true. It’s possible to run ahead and assume things and believe that things have happened when they actually haven’t. When I meet the person face to face it is totally different and a connection is required that simply wasn’t there in the text conversation. I find that texts are great for creating illusion, therefore there is no true connection even if we think there is.
‘Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.’ … great question. Once this becomes a lived truth for us all, we will be reflecting it to our children in person, through our livingness. However, it would be an awesome conversation to start through the Sex Education program that the schools run.
This is a much needed discussion, ‘have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?’ It feels like this is a subject that is not being talked about, before I bought my smartphone I observed how addictive they can be, how at bus stops, on trains, even walking along people would be very absorbed with their phones, almost removed from real life, then I got one and stopped noticing as much because I too was absorbed and hooked into checking my phone a lot, it’s really important we talk about this and the effects that this is having on us, it feels like there are no longer stop moments to be with ourselves, ponder, reflect, even connect with people out and about, it feels like every spare moment is spent on our phones, how healthy is this?
“In our offline world we seem to be more and more disconnected from our families, close relatives and friends. ” I can remember observing a group of friends at a party, all sitting at the same table, all engrossed with answering their phones. It actually looked like they had rung each other up! It seems we are loosing the personal touch, that special moment where we look another person in the eye, connect with them and enjoy some intimacy, even if its only for a brief moment. It’s these interactions that truly warm our hearts.
Even before mobile phones were invented – I noticed that when I went somewhere with my camera, I was sometimes disconnecting from what was happening in front of me. I also noticed that my memory of a place, people, event was much stronger if I didn’t take my camera. This is because the camera was disconnecting me from what was going on, it was a distraction, an escape and a protective wall to hide behind. I wasn’t being fully transparent and I wasn’t there in my fullness. And this was just a camera that I might hold to my eye twenty times a day (by the way – the invention of digital cameras has also made this worse – because with film I’d only every take a small number of pictures because of the expense of getting them processed). So imagine if that was happening with a camera, what is now happening with mobile phones – I have watched zillions of people travel a whole two hours of a train journey never once taking their eyes off their screens.
“When for instance, was the last time you saw an abusive comment and either reported it or stepped in to express your feelings about it? Or have you ever?” There are so much things going on in the world that I think many do not agree with but often we do not say anything about it and that is something to look at as why not?
It is interesting how the world pushes us, that we should all be able to multi-task. But phones make us mono-taskers! Are we becoming a herd of blinkered horses?
If I go on the London tube or any public space and observe, those dystopian sci-fi movies I used to watch about how humanity would all become mindless zombies plugged into some kind of evil controlling force….well, they don’t seem so ‘sci-fi’ now.
Yes seems all very real I agree, and not just on the undergrounds…
Just yesterday while walking through town, I saw heaps of people engaged with their phone, texting while walking, they did not see anyone and just crossed roads without looking, following others while not being connected – pretty scary really …
Social media enables us all to expand the lies that we are living – to add a sheen to the veneer that we present to ourselves and to the world. Do people post images of themselves exhausted every morning when they wake? Do people post videos of them getting short-tempered or angry with their kids or partners? Do people post videos of them eating too much? Do people post bulletins about how lethargic and joyless they are feeling? Or about how worried they are about their financial situation? The list goes on and in every case the answer is almost invariably NO. We are lying to ourselves, to each other and this pretense is killing us because it is driving us further and further away from the transparency that we need to embrace to return home to the glorious individuals that we each are.
Unfortunately we are only just starting to see the damage that has been done by social media, as time goes on we will see how devastating the effects can be when we are not truly communicating with one and other and instead having relationships based on fakeness.
Loved it Victoria, and I think what is most telling is that question of how transparent we are with other people off line. If we build that, then no question that it will improve our on-line behaviour immeasurably.
This is so true Simon. Transparency breeds transparency.
Wow – most of us choose to send a nude instead of being truly intimate. That is really an insight I have to swallow as it shows how far we have lost what intimacy really is – you described it very beautiful:” . . . intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.
If someone is abusive on a social media platform and ‘nice’ in their face-to-face interactions with people, then they are living a lie. It isn’t possible to have one persona for one area of life and another persona somewhere else. Even though someone may appear ‘nice’ on the outside, the abuse they have been doing online is lacing all their interactions, and if you press the right button in your dealings with them face-to-face, you’ll no doubt get to see it.
Its important to bring to the fore of discussion and awareness of just how polar opposite internet usage can be, both to connect or to disconnect and disengage face-to-face interaction. Its seems like internet use has encouraged a generation of people feel easier to ‘talk’ on-line than it is to talk face-to-face.
I am getting the sense from what you’ve shared Johanne that perhaps we are in fear of letting go of our protection and perhaps forgotten how to truly connect with each other. Could it be that we fear rejection, feel uncomfortable with face-face interactions because we have a lack of self-worth, and there could be many other reasons. Your comment highlights we are heading further and further down the track of disconnection due to not being willing to be open and allow people in.
Absolutely , beautifully true – it shows us with many things in life that even if it has a true intent and potential of growth of love, we can choose to make it the oppisite and forget as much possible about the truth of it! Oh oops did I just expose the whole lot of lies we have been (possibly) living? Great blog , straightforward and clear, just exactly what we needed.
“Or are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect?” it’s an interesting thought… that we connect to disconnect, and indeed disconnect to connect based on this [disconnection].
Spot on Zofia – absolutely spot on. The internet is disconnecting the world from itself and from each other. Is it possible that there were more true and intimate relationship between people before the internet than there are now? That turns the whole thing on it’s head.
Well I feel this is a very global statement and yes, the internet can and is being used in this way to disconnect, no question about it. But this is not soley so, it has great merits and many people use it to connect with people too which otherwise may not be possible either through distance or whatever. It is to ascertain for each individual how we are using it – and when we have an awareness around that then we can choose each moment how we make it work for us and others, in harming ways or in healing ways by reflecting that awareness constantly,
We find it easier to relate to people through our Social Media than we can talk to a stranger in person, for example, in a Doctor’s waiting room, at a bus stop, on an Underground train, even at an office dinner. And yes, making eye contact and sharing a smile can be such a beautiful experience.
You’re so right! We’re indeed collectively looking away from the fact that our world’s taken over by shallowness such as sharing naked pictures without really letting ourselves being seen. We’re so much more than our body. Isn’t it ironic that through the only way to get to know ourselves is by building a caring and loving connection with our body. Listening to our body is the greatest gift we can give ourselves? Imagine how different our world would be if we would only 20% of the time we spent on social media, spend on connecting and listening to our body. Wow, only writing this makes it pretty unintelligent to choose the way we currently choose.
There is a level of hiding in social media and texting. We can just share the I am so amazing moments and not the reality of actually I am really sad and lonely and the list goes on. I watched a documentary just yesterday about how much social media is affecting relationships and one tip was to leave all phones when you go out… take 1 if you really need to, for photos and just in case but leave them all behind and really just enjoy the time with each other instead of getting distracted each time the phone makes a sound.
The internet can be used for such amazing things especially for keeping in touch with loved ones abroad, or for working remotely whilst being part of a wider organisation and team…. yet the way the internet can be used so abusively is a reflective barometer of how we are choosing to live collectively.
Thank you for this great sharing. I feel that the Internet is very useful, but the most important communication is face to face where we can actually see the person and gauge where they are at in the moment energetically.
You only need walk into a restaurant to see that social media has people completely disconnected (looking at their phones) even when they are out together.
In the past before mobile phones, people would sit at the breakfast table, either at home or out, with a newspaper in front of them, also not connecting …
I don’t know how many people would have picked some 20 years ago, when the possibilities of social media were first on the horizon, that social media would isolate us more from other people as it replaces true, face to face or telephone contact with a plethora of pseudo contacts.
Honesty with ourselves is a great place to start our awareness with on-line activities. It’s seems that people think they can be anonymous on-line and play out their sneaky behaviour that in a face to face reality wouldn’t do in front of others.
If the Internet was being used in a way that truly supports our relationships and interactions in such a way where a deeper level of intimacy is lived then there is no way we would have even half of the ever rising relationship problems we currently experience right across the globe
Yes we are championing that social media and technology for the fact we can call or text people from the other side of the world but the question remains of how we connect and in what quality. A factor which is often forgotten about, also in in ‘real’ life!
“However, are we actually using social media to strengthen our connection with the world?”
Great question to ask! And I would say I partly do use it to connect with people but there are also times when I distract myself with my phone instead of actually connecting with the people that are physically around me at that moment.
Thank you for presenting on this topic. I so agree that we need to address the way in which we use social media, which, as you have rightly pointed out, is done by addressing the hurts that we carry and the longing within us to connect with others. Social media would appear to be a great tool to support us to connect but if we are posting pictures for example of how happy we are when in fact we are miserable then how are we going to be able to connect with each other because saying we are happy when we are miserable is a lie and lying will never allow someone to be open and transparent so that they can build true relationships.
It is so great to be able to let people in with no protection, I agree.
Beautifully expressed – I love your point about sending nude photos not being an act of intimacy. It is in this day and age all to easy to bare all on a physical level, and yet we rarely if ever peel away the layers of hurt and protection, the walls and masks, attitudes and assumed personalities to reveal underneath the raw, uncut and unedited truth of who we are as people – and act out of true nakedness.
Yes I love this point as well, that we substitute the impulse to be transparent with each other in regards to who we truly are inside and show ourselves in full without any masks or protections, with showing ourselves nude, which really does not do the trick in regards to feeling more content and fulfilled.
I see people on their phones walk out in front of cars all the time as if in some kind of trance that cloaks that a sense of danger is looming. There’s an actual word for these people and it’s a smombie a word that is comprised of the two words smartphone and zombie. It is frightening to think of a world in the future where everyone is glued to devices with no real relationships so although our devices have many uses they are no substitute for true friendships and intimacy.
It is as if many people have a strong desire for the immersive but isolating world of computer games, with being glued to your smartphone perhaps a weaker variation of it – as you can still walk, unlike with many computer games.
You make a great point about transparency and intimacy Vicktoria. How many indeed would be willing to stand in front of another whom they have sent a naked picture to, being completely transparent, open and vulnerable? The naked selfies have become another layer of protection – a mask that portrays an openness and intimacy but is in truth a desperate attempt to fill the emptiness inside.
The true understanding of intimacy shared here is really beautiful and not what is portrayed in the world. Knowing the internet can be used beautifully or not as you share here is very imprtant. So with our behaviour on the internet “Is it just an innocent game or could it possibly be another way to get the attention we so desire, to fill an emptiness inside?”
A really key question you ask here is “are we using social media for exactly the opposite of its intent – to disconnect? ” at first it would be hard to see this, after all we are always “connected” but then we have to ask – what are we connected to? When you walk the streets, ride the tube or enter a office breakroom everyone is connected to their phones but in almost all cases we are disconnected from each other. Yet because we are “told” we are connected we often don’t question this. I’ve been lost in social media for hours and ignored my partner or friends, I still find it hard to resist the temptation of the cell phone during a meeting but have put in places ways to ween myself off this. The reality is its easy to disconnect from life and believe we are connected when we are in truth anything but.
Haha I love this, ‘Imagine how many street poles have been hurt by careless humans who aren’t watching their steps while on their phones?’, because it’s so true! A lot of the time we are so locked-in on our phones or technology that we forget there’s a whole world surrounding us with millions of people we can connect to in person, and thousands of street poles that need to be looked out for!
There was a place I visited that had 150mm blue circles with words in white painted on the pavement. The words were simple: food, art, beer, shop and others that were for phone users. On my journey to work, I pass through the busiest train station in the UK. The morning and evening rush hour is like a river full of salmon during spawning season with that driven purpose to get somewhere at all costs. There is always some kind of advertising campaign going on with giant banners and small floor stickers for people on their phones. We have never been so close to others and yet so far away at the same time.
It would be amazing if this were taught to children, ‘Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.’ How different life could be for our young people, that instead of trying to be sexy and trying to appeal to another, that instead our young claimed themselves in full and showed this to each other.
Once we work on our ability to be open, transparent, aware and therefore intimate we can then teach the same to our children. That would be quite a lot of progress!
The more we distract ourselves from life the more we want to be distracted.
“How beautiful is it to be able to connect with just a click of a button?!” – very beautiful, and also, how beautiful is it to be able to connect without any click too, other than the click that occurs within one’s heart towards another’s.
My parents live overseas and Skype is a great way to stay in touch but there is nothing like the real thing. Technology has its purpose but it is no way a substitute for connection and intimacy.
This blog is an awesome reminder that in order for us to truly connect with others we must first be truly connected with ourselves.
Another super powerful blog opening a much needed conversation and I agree “Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.”
The internet offers what we all want, connection but instead of making it about connection we have made it about what we can get out of it and how best we can use it for our own benefit. Social media is a prime example of this, connection is mostly superficial and based on gain, either monetary or personal, with little regard for who it might destroy along the way.
Brilliant blog, what you’ve shared is very, very supportive and exposing. Some of the questions you’ve raised are very much needed and supports to bring our awareness to what is actually going on, how we are using this tool (social media) to either connect or totally disconnect. It feels to me that there is more disconnection here than ever before and using social media and technology for this purpose is increasing. Delving deeper and seeking understand as to why this is happening can perhaps support people to be more aware of their choices and how that affects themselves and others. Unfortunately many of us do not understand what true intimacy is, so thank you for highlighting this and sharing its true meaning. Once we have a true understanding of intimacy we will be more likely to live it and express it from a more respectful and loving way.
Thank you. Social media does indeed seem to have replaced true intimacy in our society. It is good for us to be aware of this, as then it gives us the opportunity to work backwards so to speak, to undo some of the distance that we have created within ourselves and amongst ourselves as a society. We have much to learn yet…
It may be easier for people to send a nude photo than it is to actually be completely transparent and show others who you are on the inside, and where you are at moment to moment.
Yesterday, when I was in a shopping centre, I was watching a young mother who looked rather tired. She was holding her beautiful 6 month old daughter in her right arm resting her on her right hip, and with her left had she was looking at her iPhone screen some sort of a movie or advertisement. The child looked at me and her gaze followed me around as long as I could see whilst her mum was distracted on the phone. As I went to the bathroom and then to do other errands, each time I noticed the both of them, the mum was still on the screen. This went on for about 30 mins or more and I noticed too that if anything happened where the mum needed to move because she was in the way of someone else, she appeared annoyed at being disturbed. All the time the gorgeous little one just sat there watching everyone and everything around her, taking in life, feeling the world around her.
I could not help but think how sad it is when we place media/technology and ‘things’ ahead of relationships that are there right in front of us. This is no judgement nor criticism on the young mother, as I too recall feeling so tired when my son was young and just wanting to find something that would distract me from the extreme tiredness and unease that I was experiencing at the time. But it does show where we are at as a society – more interested in a screen than sharing an intimate moment with our so called loved ones. We have much yet to learn in this regard.
I love what you say about intimacy of just showing oneself in full.
I feel that deep down we are social beings and it is fundamental to be in touch with each other, to connect and engage with those we love. It has recently been made aware to me that all of my relationships were about safety. Fearful of genuine relationships (I know right, its ridiculous.) I have been going for safety, what is acceptable, and what will not rock the boat. I feel that social media is the perfect stage where we can control how we communicate with others from the safety of our electronic devices. We rarely get to the deep and meaningful stuff if we accept the superficial adequate when clearly it is not. We get a feel good high when on social media that is as addictive as anything else that is not good for us, but it never truly satisfies the craving we have for love and connection.
When I was growing up as a teenager there was no such thing as social media, well not as far as I was concerned, we did not have iPhones that we could take selfies and honestly I feel lucky for this! If we had any of these social media apps and technology, I can defiantly say that I would have humiliated myself with what I would have posted, I am so grateful that I just have unprinted camera rolls.
There are amazing things that can be done with social media but I do believe that what you are sharing is spot on, this can only happen if we are looking at our real life relationships, social media is an extension of life, more responsibility in our friendships and intimate relationships then naturally we will extend this to our online experience.
Texting can be great in some situations, but in others where more than what can be communicated via text needs to be said, it can be hiding. It can cause misunderstanding because what needs to be said isn’t done so in full, or texting gives people ‘courage’ to say things or send things they wouldn’t face to face, but even though more is said, it is still a way of hiding and not being totally open and transparent in front of the other person.
The way social media is used as a distraction from truly connecting with ourselves and each other, only highlights the lack of connection that has already been existing. We can be talking to someone, face to face, and be just as disconnected, so it is not just what is happening online.
It’s true what you present here. Sending a nude has become normalised to the point where it’s not even seen as pornographic anymore. The daily abuses that people open themselves up to does get paid forward in empty, meaningless and very lonely lives and relationships which is evidenced by the increasing cases of sexual and domestic violence. People crave connection yet settle for what has been sold as ‘sexy’ and exciting, naughty and ‘fun’. True intimacy and true connection is founded on love not sex. Returning to an emphasis on relationships and transparency, on developing mutual and equal regard for all our fellow beings is imperative if we wish to evolve to deeper, wiser, loving and responsible interactions both online and off.
We have a long way to climb into this from what I see. The internet, a great tool and support when used truly but also on the other end a wrecking ball for us all in the same breath if not. I can see many things that are needed in relation to the internet and social media but where does one start? The answer is easy and while it may seen overwhelming I start at home and I don’t mean the house necessarily. I start at home, with me, how I am, my quality in how I use the internet and social media. I have active conversations with those around me and I love the challenge. I am happy to take the knock on the door role until someone answers, consistency is the key when you have something that has been off leash for as long as this has. Where this will end isn’t in my crystal ball but I know I have a part and it’s more then time to start.
I’m only relearning this now, in my 50’s, what a great lesson to receive throughout childhood! That intimacy is not a sexual act, that it’s all about letting another person see you in full – “without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.”
Our use of social media or how we use it is a representation on how we are in life. It’s the whole thing how we approach it, how long we are on it, are we checked out, looking for likes and comments, or to even abuse others or do we approach it with a great sense of purpose, communications and connection? Is that even possible? I say it is but it does depends on us.
Agreed Jennifer Social Media can be a great reflection of what is going on for us in other aspects of our lives.
Identifying if there is a ‘need’ in our approach is key.
I have been enjoying the current air of political satire aimed at America’s new president – why?
Because it brings me relief, to be able to laugh about the extend of the rot that humanity faces.
It is each of our responsibility to demonstrate true connection and transparency – the willingness to bring who we are in every moment and the openness to truly meet another.
As a generation I feel we had our vices, and each generation similarly so. My feeing is that every distraction or vice has kept all generations from being truly intimate with each other.
In today’s society we are seeing many people go to extreme lengths to gain intimacy and at what cost? The beauty of true intimacy is that we needn’t go to such extremes. If we connect to all of who we are from the inside out and allow others to see us in our full naked glory i.e without protection we will see a great shift in the true meaning of intimacy in all relationships thereafter.
Whatever we use for stimulation or distraction inevitably hinders connection and intimacy; seeking recognition comes from need not presence, without presence no connection. It seems that some or even many people don´t know the difference as they have never or only long ago experienced being met thus those who know connection need to re-introduce it to everyone they meet.
Well said Alex, it was only through another that I recognised the connection that I’m now building.
Great call for honesty and transparency in our offline relationships which would naturally transfer to our online behaviour. The lack of this is reflected in our casual acceptance of the growing levels of cyber abuse that are increasingly having tragic consequences. The myriad ways we can now choose to connect come with a level of responsibility that too many are shirking but starting the conversation ‘Why aren’t we making transparency the social norm?’ asks us to look at our individual contribution.
It seems we have a warped definition of what being intimate is and bringing back it’s true meaning is beautiful…”That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.”
The true responsibility we all have in the world with the internet and social media is enormous as you share here so clearly. The true benefits of communication, connection and oneness is beautiful and something we all know love and can appreciate but the other side of his is the very real disconnection from personal physical meetings simply spending quality time with family and others. Then there is the dissociation from reality escape and pornography hiding the real need for intimacy which is so misunderstood in the world today and also the ever increasing escape and disconnection from life, ourselves and the world.
How accurate that social media is being used to disconnect rather than connect, there is a whole plethora of information, buzz videos and differing viewpoints being offered, but none of it feels like it really reaches out and connects with other people. I have found the way I use social media is a reflection of how I am in real person.
We can almost see social media as a layer of protection in the sense that we don’t have the real life confrontation – but the problem with treating it like this is we have 2 lives – not the open and transparent us 100% of the time. i love how you have posed the question of if we would be OK to stand naked in front of someone we have sent a nude selfie too – and it sums it up really. We have an opportunity to start being more honest with ourselves and absolutely consider intimacy as an opening up rather than a sexual act.
This blog emphasises so clearly, that connection lives not in a computer or an app but in the simple choices that we make. It’s possible to sleep next to someone, and yet to still have the walls of your inner castle up. Equally though as your words and all these blogs show, we can open up and embrace and let anyone in, a stranger, someone on the other side of the world It doesn’t matter where or who for it is easy to do, because this connection is so naturally there in me and you.
So true Joseph, we can simply connect with each other in our day to day life. Using social media and technology to connect with our friends, families or to meet someone is great, but for me nothing beats meeting and connecting with someone face to face. The key is to be open and let people in no matter what medium we use, because one of our natural expressions is intimacy.
Interesting to reflect on the difference that is possible between someone’s online persona and the person behind it when you actually meet them. For some connecting online is actually an escape or way to check out from feeling what affects them in doing this in life.
I guess we can use nearly everything in life in the one or other way. If we live in a disconnected way, we will mis-use technology for this, but also we could live connected and use technology to get supported here…. It is a general question of how we choose to live – supporting true connection and intimacy or…not. People on the street looking in their mobiles are just a reflection of what is going on on earth in general. This is truly alarming.
Sexting and porn on our handheld devices are killing intimacy within children. There are efforts to try and mitigate the damage, but Pandora’s box has been opened! Is this just another bit of life that has become a normal part of our lives that we have allowed it to grow unabated like a cancer?
Social media in its misuse is a reflection of the illusion in which society is living that everything is OK while the world is increasingly becoming more extreme.
When we write something on Social Media, we can be writing from a position of protection that feels ‘safe’. The recipients can’t see us or see what we are doing, although our energy can be felt in what we post, e.g. a neediness laced with a ‘Please like me’
We can do the same when we meet people, but their presence offers us a physical reflection so that we cannot but feel what we have just put out, so it becomes more challenging. So we hold back to avoid a reaction or a true challenge.
This seems to be a very big problem Mary, and as you share the answer lies in the responsibility adults have to guide children away from this technology, and as your example demonstrates support children to have fun amongst each other. The pull of looking at technology can be very strong, it becomes like an addiction, and for a developing child strong parenting is needed to ensure that children grow up bright and aware, not dulled by looking at screens all day. The current guidance is for less than two hours for an over 5, less than one for under 5s and nothing for under 2. I would say the less the better, connecting with other people is more rewarding and developing for everyone, and especially young children who learn from interacting with their peers.
I don’t actually think that the cue is to stray children away from technology, that feels like a surface solution. The reason why people are addicted to technology (just like any other addiction actually) is because of an emptiness inside. Just like James mentioned, we use it to not fill something or to feel a void. When technology is used responsibly, it can be a magnificent tool for humanity.
This is a conversation that most definitely needs to be in our everyday conversations. What I’m seeing is people’s real life personas are very different to their online ones. It’s like people are hiding who they are by who they would like to present as who they are and we are all missing out on who we truly are both online and off it.
Very interesting post, indeed, all of us crave intimacy…that deep, deep connection with another… and yet venture into doing the exact opposite thinking it is intimacy, getting this mixed up in being related just to sex, for example sending nudes, or sexting as you share. When the deep deep connection that’s wanted is admitted, then internal reflection towards one’s own connection, and its quality is kick-started, with the understanding that what goes out, comes back.
The internet is a very powerful tool and it is the way we choose to use it that determines the outcome. This is a great reflection of the way we use it and how it is perceived as a normal part of our communication network. Your comment regarding ‘ our children’s intimacy and transparency’ in building social networks and relationships is so important. What has come to mind is the argument around weaponry and the use of guns and banning guns. It has been said that guns are not harmful, it is only the way the person with the gun chooses to use it that it can then become harmful. This is similar as it is the way people choose to use the Internet that determines whether it is about love or whether it is about harm.
Social media provides us with a conduit for instant connection with each other and it’s up to all of us to take responsibility for how we use this platform. It’s a sad and confronting truth that currently there is very little responsibility being shown for the way it is used. It feels like we would benefit from going back to basics by investing the time and space to develop true and meaningful relationships in person, allowing the intimacy to blossom, to be felt in our bodies and with each other, giving our selves permission to appreciate and enjoy the connection. Currently, it seems like we can converse on speed dial, before we finish one conversation we are on to the next without really being present in any of them.
We use nudity to hide from transparency, our true ‘nakedness’. To be completely transparent we need to have the courage to stand before another and say – this is me, all of me, no strings attached, no barriers in place, no need, no want, just an open heart that will keep loving you no matter what behaviours you may throw up in such presence. Technology is just another tool we use to hide our deep love, care and connection with each other that would otherwise be on show for all the world to see were these barriers not in place. At any stage we can turn this around and use this medium for true connection, but we have to want it first.
Well said Liane, technology can be a tool to hide or a tool to show ourselves. It all depends on how we use it. The key in it is truly the fact that we have to want to use media for connection, a deep connection that is transparent, otherwise it will have the opposite effect. If we can sense superficiality in the media, what we are seeing is a symptom of the disconnection in our society.
Like everything in life, each choice is an opportunity to heal or to harm. It feels like many are using social media to have conversations that they would never choose to have in person, whether they are abusive or more sexual in nature. How do we manage to convince ourselves that it’s ok to say or send things that we would not feel comfortable saying or giving in person? Do we even care enough to ask the question or are we becoming so de-sensitised and dis-connected that we are beyond caring?
Awesome observations on what social media can truly bring to the world in the way of connecting people all around the world, but that sadly it is becoming a medium by which we can disconnect from ourselves and hide away in a little device held in the palm of our hand. Social media has exploded into use over the last few years but with few guidelines to keep its users safe and so there was a great big hole for abuse to land in. Parents definitely have a huge responsibility today to raise their children in the merits and the misuse of social media, schools could do well to have education programmes, but each one of us has the final responsibility as to how we use it, as this is what we will reflect to our children around us, the social media users of tomorrow.
The question ‘do we know what intimacy is?’ is great to consider. I think our idea of it has become warped. I remember having long chats on my house phone maybe 20 years ago. Now my house phone hardly rings and the same for my mobile since most communication is via text or whatsApp.
Its a great tool, but self regulation easily fails, the moment the phone rings or a message comes in we have to read it and it breaks the true connection with ourselves and with the people around us, it’s like we go into a virtual world where the real thing is substituted with pictures and text and we respond like there is a person there, laughing, reacting, interacting but there is no warmth to be felt, no reading the facial expressions or the body responses. Something is really missing with true connection and society is showing it with increased suicide and depression. We are social creatures and we need to involve all our senses.
The language developing for texting is also revealing, shortcuts and abbreviations for everything. It’s a bit like back to the days of grunting. We think we are evolving as a species, however perhaps we are just developing more sophisticated ways to maintain the same barbaric behaviour of old.
Is it just an innocent game or could it possibly be another way to get the attention we so desire, to fill an emptiness inside? We are addicted to the very thing that is causing disconnection, be it a phone, Internet or any social media, we are at its mercy in keeping up with the latest events. But in truth if this was all to fail to operate, how much real connection would we have in our lives?
I like your joke about street poles getting hurt by distracted people passing by on their mobiles, but it is a fact that many people are not even looking up as they cross the road. I have now made it a rule to leave my phone in my bag whilst driving, as even if I’m hands free, it can be a big distraction.
The desire for connection and intimacy is evident yet we seem to have skewed it. We use an incredible tool of connection (social media) to disconnect. We think sending photos of ourselves exposed is letting another see who we truly are. We are all craving intimacy and connection yet the outplay of this is far from leading towards true connection and intimacy. We have the tools and abilities in front of us, it is our choice what we do.
I hadn’t considered the phone to be a part of the intimate relationship, but it feels true that it has become an essential part. One-on-one connection seems to have become so very last era and that there is actually a third entity in relationships now and that is the device buffer.
The term ‘social media’ suggests a ‘social’ life with ‘social’ interactions, but how ‘social’ are we actually being with all the technology that is available? Texts and messaging can be used to hide behind instead of openly sharing how we feel face to face. We can end a relationship with an email. It’s great to be able to stay in touch so easily, but it can be used and abused just like everything else, and in some cases actually ruin our social life. It can be more about disconnection than true connection.
The more open, transparent and intimate we are prepared to be within our relationships and connections with others, the more likely our relationship with social media will be the same.
It’s all about reflection isn’t it? The more we evolve and truly feel the difference between harming and healing, the less we can actually engage in behaviour that does not reflect that awareness.
I have a feeling a lot more ugliness is expressed on the internet, particularly by people who are anonymous. I can’t see that benefitting anyone.
It is so true that people can hide behind their phones so to speak – they will expose themselves on the phone to another but would not be nearly so transparent when actually face to face with that person.
Great to start the conversation here, as this is a much needed topic of discussion for us all as we are so tricked into believing we are advancing and more connected when nothing could be further from the truth, as what we are now accepting as communicating, is so wrong in so many ways, and moving us further away from what we all truly want.
What would it be like to have a technology free day? When I look around me it seems inescapable. A simple choice perhaps to do so but the addictive nature of it can easily over-ride that in my experience.
Haha yes so true Jeanette – you are so right – it can be very addictive and to have a day without may prove a challenge for many …
Technology is amazing but the quality of the way in which we use it, not so much. How much simpler would our lives be without the ‘trappings’,in more senses than one, of technology? Maybe we would be forced to actually connect in person?
What a good question. It is interesting to consider how easy it is for us to use digital connection to create an illusion of connection, yet the statistics for our reaction to our disconnection are ever present. Letting someone see who we really are is so much simpler than having different personalities for different people in our lives, yet this level of transparency raises fears and my sense is it is because we don’t enjoy ourselves, our company or value who we are in our essence before we do anything. Much to work on but I really love that you have started this conversation.
The playfully expressed truth in this blog is Gorgeous Victoria. The responsibility every time we are on the keyboard typing is huge. More than we often consider. We are behind the screen of the computer and it almost gives us a false sense of protection which falsely seems to offer the permission to express all we want without considering how others are impacted by our words.
When I have had a challenging day that I don’t want to feel I will often find myself scrolling through Facebook in the evening as a way to distract from the day. In this I am not looking for deeper intimacy or connection, I am looking to check out. If many are doing this online- what is the quality of our communications on these platforms?
If we are not careful our screens will become our ‘go to’ in times of challenge, and will replace the face-to-face long term relationship building process where we are required to be open and vulnerable, to learn and make mistakes, but also feel truly alive and connected.
We must all know deep down what intimacy is, otherwise we would not crave it so, but on the whole it is not lived. The sharing of nude pictures rather than the baring of our soul with each other and the confusion between being sexual and being truly intimate is a sad reflection of where we are at this time. Our young need role models to remind them that true intimacy is possible.
‘Do we even know what intimacy is?’ Great question and I would have to agree with you, People think they know what it is, like they think they know what ‘love’ is, when really most of us only know a bastardized form of both.
“We have made sexting and sending nudes so common that it has become ‘normal’ and those who don’t do it are then ‘old fashioned’, ‘stush’, or just plain ‘boring’.” – this is what our young people are growing up with. The root of the problem doesn’t stem from the last few years or even decades, it goes way back. All the times when a man or a woman has been treated with anything less than human decency, let alone love is saying that anything goes.
We as human kind have done it before with many good inventions like nuclear energy etc.and doing it now with Internet. Something needs to be done on a big scale to our education of how to use all we have constructively, lovingly instead of disconnecting from reality and harming.
The Way of The Livingness is providing the support and teaching us to re-turn to our true nature.
We need to ask each other, ‘what is the quality of our communication?’ Only when we being to check the quality of our interactions and feel the impact on our lives, will we realise that we have often signed up for self abuse or allow abuse from others in relation to how we use social media and other technology.
I have to admit that I don’t use the internet or social media so would not consider myself an experienced person where it is concerned. From what I hear and see around me it sounds like social media is not used in a very responsible way much of the time and many have suffered from this. There is great potential I am sure if there is more true and honest connection with those using it .
We tend to think that social media keeps us connected, when in truth it is a way to check out what others are doing. How often do we make the effort to call or visit a friend or family member? There is something to be seriously considered here as intimacy is not what is shared with social media, comparison though is rife. Is this the way we want to live and teach our children?
Technology is just the vehicle used for communication, its the livingness that people are in which will determine the quality and intent of the communication.
Love your comment Joe, 100% on the mark!
I am very thankful for the technology that we have but I very much agree any ‘advancement’ comes with responsibility, and with social media our carelessness and disrespect that we have for ourself and others is magnified manifold, which in return is a reflection we can observe to make different choices or ignore and keep on trudging along.
Yeah exactly Esther – any technological advancement does come with responsibility and what we see reflected is that a large part of humanity has not taken that responsibility on yet, only reflecting their lack or will to take personal responsibility for all they do in life as well… It always starts with us first in every aspect of our personal daily lives – and when we start to live that and are in tune with our own responsibilities as to how we live our lives and are with ourselves and others, then that can and will translate into the broader community too.
It’s a vicious circle, however it’s great to be aware of it. Now, when I log into Facebook, I often ask myself whether I am doing it to avoid feeling something and many times I am. That is where the disconnection is rooted, we disconnect from ourselves and therefore from the world.
Good point, I also have noticed that if I log in to Facebook to disconnect I feel as if I am drugged and drowsy, and if I am not aware this then alters the quality of my day. So it seems it is how we use these sights, no different than the TV.
What you share here is so true, it is the disconnection from ourselves that makes us disconnect from the world. Connecting to ourself in truth is the first step to get to a more intimate connection with others, which is even possible trough social media, when we choose to truly show what is in our lives. Inspiring others along the way.
Julie, you’re very right. Social media is no different than TV at all. I remember how many hours I spent watching TV Shows on Netflix and not remember a single thing that I watched…
This is true, I have watched films or trawled through facebook in the early evening and then had forgotten all about it in the morning… the only thing, my mind may have forgotten but my body felt everything, and that is why I couldn’t get to sleep! It took me a while to figure that out, but I still get caught out sometimes, but I sure have become more discerning about what I watch in the evening before winding down before bedtime.
Or the level of conversations people are not willing to have to address the elephant in the room choosing to use various social media to engage in other peoples issue or stories.
Which naturally leads to the fact that when we re-connect with ourselves, we re-connect with everyone else. How simple and how beautiful.
Yes, this feeling is beautiful. I have felt it, then lost it again. It takes dedication and commitment to re-connect to the awesomeness that we truly are, and one wonders why we don’t allow it all of the time, when it is just a choice away. I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I connected to this power all of the time, I suppose I shall have to keep working on it to find out, because I know it is there, and I owe it to myself and every single one of us to accept what is already there under the surface and let it out in all its glory!
And when I do this Alexis, I have found it changes my day, it is much more purposeful, meaningful and even I would say, joyful.
Well said. The way we behave online seems to be a magnification of how we behave offline, so when we have a lack of respect for ourselves, our bodies or other people then this can play out online in more extreme ways because the medium is available 24/7 for us to use and/or abuse.
It is possible to make connections with Social Media but my personal experience has been that the energy in my body while using Facebook, for example, changes. Physically my back arches and my body goes tight. I look for external acknowledgement (‘likes’) rather than simply appreciating how it feels to be fully connected within. There is much we can express openly, but at the moment much social media is not based on true expression. That will change, but it is up to us to use it responsibly – it can be a great way of learning what’s happening in the world, but we have to be discerning to feel if what is being presented is truth or not.
Interesting that being nude or naked can be used to not be naked and intimate at all – what a devastating assault on one´s body and soul considering how much we must suffer by such contradictory behaviour.
A great topic of conversation here – why is it that we are in a time of more options, tools, technology and ways to connect with each other than ever before and yet all the signs are that we are less connected than ever before?
A stunning article that does not simply state what so many know that the way we use the internet is abusive and the relationships with “friends” shallow but then goes further to share some possible ways that we can actually change our approach offline that will directly impact the quality and way we use the ‘online’ world and our “virtual’ connections.
That’s shocking Mary, how are we allowing phones and social media play such a large part that children are disconnecting from playing with one another even just after playing a game of football together.
We have been given an amazing tool in social media to facilitate our connections around the world but for too many this has become a distraction and open to abuse. Any tool is only as good as its users and the rise in cyber abuse is deeply concerning and we all bear responsibility for this. Thank you for the prompt to examine my behaviour in this area – doing nothing is not an option as this abuse is escalating with tragic consequences.
Perfect point made Helen – ‘…Any tool is only as good as its users … ” – that is the key. So it is so important to be truly aware of this fact and look at ways to support others to use this amazing tool with the true discernment necessary for it to be awesomely used by all.
It is great that we can so easily connect with people and use the internet, social media and all that to make ourselves aware of what is going on in the world and it has brought the world together in certain ways but all the abuse that takes place and the normalisation of porn and all the other bad stuff totally takes away from something that if used right could really make the world a better more connected place.
How often do we catch ourselves ‘checking our mobile phones’ to see if an email has come in or we’ve received that text message we were waiting for. Modern communication can be hugely distracting and so often takes away from any true connection. In the past we got our post twice a day and we knew when the phone rang (we didn’t have to check it) now, if we are waiting to hear back from someone we can keep checking our phones, our computers or whichever device is to hand, so much so that we can do this whilst we are driving and the statistics of accidents says it all.
That is very typical Mary and very interesting how we can be more comfortable now on our phone than actually interacting with others – yet as soon as we put them away we find ourselves having much more fun! I have found phones can be a very quick and easy way to distract me from what I am feeling and so have used my phone, in an addictive way, to pass time and essentially help get me through the day when I have not wanted to actually feel what is going on for me.
Great blog – we 1st have to start with ourselves in everyday life – how willing are we to simply be all of the love that we are – no holes barred? And it is amazing how we can be with those closest to us yet on our phones or computer distracting ourselves and keeping us away from sharing the love we are with the person sitting or lying next to us – that is the scary part how we think we are connecting to someone and others online yet largely by doing so are not allowing the deepening of the connection with the person next to you.
Great Blog – We have a tendency on every level to only notice the effect of our way of being and living after the event or the problems subsequently created have become more devastating, when as is the case here the signs have been present for us to learn from and respond to much earlier.
Discussion about social media and online use is very much needed. We can get so caught up in the day-to-day warped use of it that it can seem a normal way of communicating for many, but as you say it is devastating millions. We seem to be losing the art of true connection and communication.
It has to be discerned how we use it – not everything is bad about it, and many people are grateful that it is there as it allows communication and connection with people, that otherwise would not be so easily possible, especially when living on different continents. Mis-use of it like anything else, is always harming and therein lies each individual’s own responsibility …
Social Media and the Internet can be used in a loving way, to communicate and express or it can be used in an unloving and extremely abusive way that creates separation and great harm. As always the choice is ours not only in how and what we express but what we accept and allow. The current reflection we see on Social Media in the main points to a very troubled, disconnected and irresponsible collective.
Social media encourages superficial connections. Busy-ness in our lives also often discourages true meetings with others. Having family living in USA – no amount of skype calls and text messages can replace real time hugs and conversations.
“no amount of skype calls and text messages can replace real time hugs and conversations.” – that is true Sue, however when families are spread and living on different continents the internet is an awesome tool to see and talk with each other. I use Skype a lot as my mother, sister and family, and my daughter all live in Europe and I live in Australia and although, sure enough it does not replace a hug, with camera calls we do get closer – we see our smiles, our upsets and the times we are connected via this media is precious. Also, I work worldwide with clients all over the world and that would not be possible without the internet or skype 🙂
Working in hospitality I once saw a couple really enjoying each others company, but the moment one got out their phone that connection was cut. The other didn’t know what to do with themselves and so joined in and started checking their phone too. This showed me how technology cannot substitute true connection to another. And if I make my focus the screen rather than connecting to my body it is no different. Technology can be a great tool if used wisely but at the moment en mass it is not. Why do we avoid that true connection so much when, if examined, our substitutes are failing us?
‘And if I make my focus the screen rather than connecting to my body it is no different’ – this is so true, and so insidious also because we can be sucked into watching and searching for all sorts on the internet and then before we know it hours of dis-connection to our bodies have gone by.
It’s interesting that the other person followed, I’d say it’s probably because they didn’t want to feel the discomfort of the lack of connection…
What a beautiful study of the internet ,technology and mobile phones and where it is all going opposed to the connection and love it can support along with everyday personal intimate connections of simply being together and sharing and true intimacy and transparency of all we are. A great reminder of the importance of true connection in our lives and the flow and harmony in our bodies this allows and expands in us all.
We have such a responsibility as you share Susan and it is ever greater when the consequences of a post can lead to really horrendous consequences. A child who recently committed suicide did so because he was called ugly etc the feeling that everyone in the world can see that sort of insult and you are that vulnerable contributes to the reasons these children take such extreme action. We need as the adults to be conscious of our words and actions being very aware that the quality of our interactions will extend far and inspire or not our younger generation.
Why are we so desensitised to it though? Social media is constantly supplying us with information of what’s going oN around the world – wars, murders, rapes, cancer, tsunamis… but it almost feels as if humanity is just becoming numb to it. I feel that it goes back to the responsibility in the way we share things on social media. Many people share just to come across as knowledgable, or to fit a trend, which then makes the post worthless, however when one uses social media to communicate something they really care about, the results can be different…
Before social media it was newspapers that feed us all the things you have mentioned, and as soon as we had finished reading the newspaper we forgot what we had just read, because we don’t want to know we seemingly don’t want to take responsibility for our actions, we seem to have an attitude of let someone else do that for us. It feels to me that this irresponsibility has been fed to us and we have accepted it by the main stream religions of the day. These religions had us believing that all we had to do is confess our sins, say a few hail Mary’s while twiddling with a rosary, put money in the collection box and everything would be all right our sins would be absolved and we could then carry on living exactly as before. Where is the responsibility in that?
Very true, it also goes with the idea that things happen because of “God’s will”, or “it’s fate”, or “it’s meant to be”… as if we have no influence on what is going on around us…
The internet is a reflection of how fast simple and easy it is to connect to another but like so many things we have been given, we nave abused and miss-used it and made it about personal gain.
About a year ago I had a family of doctors as clients and when I asked about family meal times and how interesting their conversations must be, the father told me that it was great when they were all together but it was difficult to get them off their phones and iPad devices. How sad is it that when we as families have the potential to connect at least once a day but we prefer the TV, mobile phones instead.
Yep, I see mothers on public transport keeping their children quiet with iPads all the time. We have to question why these children choose to be on their gadgets while at the dinner table. The connection in the family must have been lost a long time before the iPads were brought to the table…
Yep Id’ say so – sitting at the table with newspapers being the divider is what I remember …
Beautifully expressed. You have identified clearly, succinctly and with a lovely sense of humour the paradox of the influence of the internet and social media and the many harmful impacts that its misuse has on people individually and society in general.
Yes with the emphasis on the ‘misuse’ of it, as it also offers tremendous benefits too. Misuse of anything does not help anyone, using the tools we have for evolution of all is where it’s truly at…
So true Vicktoria, we have disguised our real lack of connection through the use of the Internet. Liking someone’s picture, posting a comment or naughty picture does not equal real friendship or true intimacy. And you are correct, there is so much more to intimacy than the sexual act, which when done without intimacy is void of any true feelings, joy or fulfilment. Allowing ourselves to be seen in all our strengths, weaknesses, beauty, flaws and imperfections by another without judgment, criticism or reprimand is an awesome experience, to be totally accepted and loved for who we really are. Surely this is the greatest and most rewarding gift we can give each other and most definitely cannot be conveyed in the Internet until we have created this intimacy with ourselves first, share it with those we live with second and then spread it around the world through the quality of our online interactions.
Great article, ‘Why aren’t we teaching our children that intimacy is not a sexual act? That intimacy is all about letting another person see you in full, without any protection, the mask/hurts you hide behind and your need to hold back.’ Reading this I can feel how the word ‘intimacy’ has been bastardised, it is generally considered to be a sexual act rather than it’s true meaning of letting another see you in full, how beautiful to be intimate with people in the true sense of the word.
It has been bastardised, to a point where it is almost impossible to feel its true meaning.
Sadly we all crave intimacy but many do not know what it really is and social media is stopping us from feeling what is true in our bodies and how gorgeous true intimacy can be. We really want connection but need to question why we are more comfortable connecting on the internet rather than in person. Much to ponder here!
I sometimes wonder about that – are we truly preferring connecting on the internet rather than in person? When I ponder upon that, and also at times from my own experience and consequent learning – people are so busy these days, hardly making time to connect with others truly, like it used to be. And so the internet provides a way of being in touch quickly, checking in with someone for a moment and then carrying on with our busy lives. We have forgotten maybe the depth with which our connections are possible when we give them time and our full attention – so I don’t really feel we prefer the internet, but I do feel we use it as a convenience and rob ourselves of the richness that also is possible.
“have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?” A question needing to be asked. The idea that we are connected via social media with each other but then only to be looking at our phones when we are out in the world and not seeing the person that is walking towards us until we almost bump into them actually exposes this reasoning.
Man has a history of using tools and technical developments for mis-use. The aeroplane can take us to meet other people or it can be used as a weapon of war to drop bombs. Nuclear energy can be used to warm and light our homes and power industry or it can be used to devastating effect. It is the same with social media and how we use it.
I have asked my nephews a question like “is he a nice guy” when they’ve been talking about one of their friends. To which their response was “he’s got 1,200 likes”. Does that sound like connection? Does that sound like a series of transparent and intimate and living relationships? Not to me – but it’s where we are heading.
That’s an eye opener Otto, that kids are basing if they like someone from their face book page and how many likes they have and not on the person and what they are able to feel for themselves.
Yeah one of my children said a few years back – ‘oh how sad, is that all the friends you have’ (on facebook) – the conversation we had consequently was about connections and true friendships and what that meant, and that a huge number of the so called ‘friends’ on facebook does not mean true connection and relationships with them.
Yep at the moment it is all about the ‘likes’ or ‘friends’ but if we were with the 500 or so friends we have on social media how well do we really know them or them us. Social media can be a place for connection but also a place for superficial relationships and abuse. How do we change this? By starting with the relationship we have with ourselves then this filters out to all our other relationships.
I can very much relate to this Otto and have asked my sons the same thing, especially when they connect (or more so like) a sports person, famous musician or, most popular among children and teenagers now are gamers. As a very wise man I know has presented several times, in my own words, when you connect or participate in something you are getting all of it, not just the parts you like.
There was a time, not that long ago when; people did drugs to escape reality…today people who don’t do drugs are forced to live in reality. We now as you have said made the world a very small place to live with the other seven billon, so why do we feel so lonely?
Intimacy = in-to-me-you-see. Social media does not support this level of transparency in a relationship.
This is great reminder of the transparency that Intimacy offers.
Intimacy = in-to-me-you-see.
Love it Otto! ????
Absolutely excellent written piece of how social media can be very superficial to actually promote disconnection.
There is so much more to a relationship then simply interaction but the quality of that interaction.
Revolutionising Social Media to become a platform of connection and true intimacy is the way forward.
We have avoided showing the world who we are for eons and our screens mere extensions of the barriers we erect to keep life controlled and at a desired distance.
It is Humanity’s call – or text as the case may be
Haha, amazing Deborah. There are many things coming up for us to realise, and the misuse of social media being one of them. This realisation is a great stepping stone to start observing our own behaviour on social media and reflecting a different way to be on Facebook, twitter, Instagram etc.
As always, because we have chosen to live in this dichotomy of two energies fire and prana, the innovations created by people can be used in two ways, either to heal or to harm, to connect or to disconnect in the case of social media and can be valued as a blessing or as a disaster for humanity.
Well said Nico, and a great reminder to check in with what energy we align to at any given moment – prana or fire – heal or harm,no matter where what or how we use these tools.
Great point, Nico, as with everything, we have a choice as to how we use social media. It’s an amazing platform that we can use with the purpose of sharing love or harm. How we choose doesn’t just impact us, but everyone else, equally so.
Brilliant blog and much needed conversation to be had. What came to me reading this is how we as a whole are much more comfortable putting our body forward but not willing to put what’s inside forward and be transparent. Using the body to get recognition and acceptance…. the energy from absolute strangers and people we know ogling at the half-naked/naked photos we put out… what does this do to our bodies? Where does this get stored in our bodies? And where does it stop? Could it be that the consciousness behind this form of intimacy is what keeps calling on you to show and give more?
HI Vikoria
I agree! We need to make our face to face interactions true and honouring and then the Facebook interactions can be more meaningful, loving and joyful.
Sometimes it appears the internet is used to disconnect, hiding behind a screen to avoid truly connecting rather than for it’s true intention to connect. All those games people play on their screens is another form of distraction possibly because they don’t value their true self worth and the gorgeous unique qualities that we all equally hold within our selves and we can bring to humanity. Cyber abuse is becoming accepted as normal but the smallest abuse is still abuse not only harming the individual but also humanity as a whole and is the total opposite of our true normal way of being, which is to live in harmony with each other knowing we are all equal.
It’s true – intimacy is today largely synonymous with sex. We need to reclaim the truth of this word – and get very clear about the ways we are letting ourselves down when we engage in public acts of so-called intimacy. For women and men, this is a very soul-destroying way to seek connection with another. This is no connection – only a trading of empty images.
Very true Victoria. I for one only ever thought the word intimacy was related to physical touch. Boy is that limiting for a word that represents a depth of connection that everyone craves.
Even the most purposeful tool can be misused. We have a long way to go in terms of seeing how deeply embedded we are in distraction and entertainment.
Cyber laws are miles behind where they should be, and while there is a slowly growing acknowledgment of the ills of online behaviour that is abusive and damaging, much more needs to be done to address the why and hows of this continuing to play out.
And it starts at home first, teaching our young about connection and loving relationships, as well as responsibility and that all we do leaves an imprint in the world, either harming and healing; this way we may see abuse especially in online behaviour occur less and less.
The question is …. are we using social media to promote ourselves, or to truly connect with our brothers and sisters to discuss how things actually are in our world today and inspire each other to work together to make changes, to stand up to abuse and support each other to restore a more harmonious way of living together.
So true, no amount of attention grabbing gesture satisfies the emptiness we feel within, it does not work. And we have seen enough to know that it’s not about going more extreme or more volume. And what you present here asks a great questions – whether we as humanity have given ourselves access to something that we were not ready for. Have we built a tower of Babylon with no foundation? We have deep yearning to connect with each other, and with ourselves, and we are obviously missing each other. Looking at the quality of our relationship with ourselves and those in close proximity feels to be a very wise starting point.
Brilliant blog, thank you for starting a much needed discussion. I openly admit that I am a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to social media. Call me old fashioned, but I much prefer to meet with my friends, where possible, and talk face to face, rather than catch up on what’s been happening through posts on facebook. Don’t get me wrong, being able to connect with people all over the world is amazing and such a gift. However, it seems to me that social media is being used as a platform for us to share how amazing our lives are, but not from a place of transparency and honesty, rather a place of insecurity and protection, from a need to be seen a certain way. This doesn’t incite connection, it encourages disconnection as we go into comparison and judgment. The truth is, our world is a mess and we can continue to avoid the confronting conversations and post pictures of our breakfast and where we are going for lunch today, but we are just delaying choosing to do something about changing how things are.
Spot on Alison! However, ever single one of us has the power to bring a change to that type of use of social media 🙂
Yes and it starts with ourselves first – like everything 😉
This is brilliant, you raise some very pertinent questions about an underlying malaise in our societies that too many of us now shrug our shoulders to and give up on.
Thank you, amazing blog. Social media connection or even the fact that we have global contact through email, video-chat and phone calls is quite extraordinary, and I feel like if we appreciate this then it won’t be taken for granted. But like all things that have come to the human race they have become bastardised and used for purposes that are coming from a lack of connection within, like gossip, sexting and abuse etc.
I remember years ago in the Grand Canyon, a man so uptight and busy with capturing the sunset through the lens of his camera and occupied with all the technical detail required, that he actually missed the sunset even though it was happening right before his very eyes. Texting and social media feel similar – we might think we are connecting, but in truth we are further disconnected from ourselves and the people around us and see them merely for what they might bring to us, in the form of recognition, acceptance and as so-called ‘friends’.
Wow what a fantastic expose of where we are at today with our relationships. Brilliant.
Some great points you raise, one that stood out for me was that true intimacy is not about taking your clothes off.
And isn’t it mind boggling when people say that that is what it means – taking one’s clothes off?
It is not our clothes we need to remove to have intimacy, it is the cloth we cover our inner self in for protection.
I agree Victoria, that is huge to understand; it should not be, but we have come away from the true meaning of so many words, and intimacy is clearly one of those words. Intimacy is totally amazing between people, and doesn’t involve taking clothes off, or is only limited to a couple in a relationship.
Great points you are making here. How we are on the internet is reflective of how we are offline as everything is everything all of the time. The more willing we are to be transparent and connect with each other offline the more likely that the internet will become the . . . “extended platform to continue to deepen our connections, friendships, relationships with those close to us and those who may not be . . . yet.” Well said.
We need more conversations like this. Thank you for starting this one.
Great shout – social media has become social mania. In reading your article I wondered to myself what percentage of time do I spend on my phone connecting, working or serving a purpose…vs the percentage of time checking out. Bring awareness to that aspect alone and perhaps it will begin changing how we use our phones.
Perfect expression – ‘social media has become social mania’. And like Anonymous said it is for us to ascertain how we use it – to connect or to check out…
There are a lot of questions here and its great to start a discussion. These conversations are being held globally but we need more of them. I work with young people and have recently attended two online courses re internet safety and the abuse that happens online. It is shocking and some of the apps are used very much by people to abuse others. So yes definitely more education, particularly with parents but also to make it more about true connection both with ourselves and others. Simple things like having conversations at home, having an awareness of children or young people’s activities (especially from parents/guardians) will start to make a big difference.
I agree that social media in truth is only making us seem more connected on the surface, yet void of any true quality that builds and deepens relationships. If we are not prepared to do this with ourselves, let alone face to face, then it would be rare if not impossible that with a screen between us we would be prepared to truly show ourselves and develop the kind of relationships that are possible with transparency and intimacy as our foundation and our motivation.
Another cracker of a blog – asking questions that need to be asked and addressed in full with regard to misuse of social media and phones. It brought a chuckle about the possibility of many street poles being badly hurt by people consumed with being on their phones :).
“Imagine how many street poles have been hurt by careless humans who aren’t watching their steps while on their phones? However, and on a serious note, have we really opened up our eyes to see how our misuse of social media is devastating millions?”
Connection must be one of the most commonly used words today – in every technology add it features large. More than just a literal cable n your computer the promise is of being ‘in touch’ with others in an amazing new way. But whilst these technologies are great what they highlight to me, is that we have always had this innate ability to connect and deeply communicate to each other naturally. Like a world wide web if you will, through the feeling and senses that we have we can sense a great deal about what is going on. Likewise, I have found that its possible to be on a video call and be completely shut off in yourself, to have made a choice to disconnect from the situation and people. So based on what you present here I feel it’s that it would be revolutionary if we as a race made our priority to foster this day to day connection of energy, instead of focusing on technology.
You have a great point Joseph although “we have always had this innate ability to connect and deeply communicate to each other naturally” it is so easy to go through the motions of connecting whilst being completely closed down and disconnected from the situation. It is important for us to foster our day to day connection as you say, because then technology can be a tool that can support us. Otherwise we will be relying on technology and promises of a virtual reality to fulfil something we are lacking in ourself, and that that spells trouble.
Beautifully expressed. In fact it seems to me that the prolific amount of nude and semi nude photography happening across the globe is a direct reflection of the fact that billions of people are craving true intimacy. However, because most are not yet willing to do the work to be truly open. loving and transparent with another they instead say yes to empty and abusive forms of communication that leave them feeling more alone than ever.
Agreed Leonne, we do seem to have lost touch with true intimacy and we crave it so much we are willing to bare all in the vain attempt to find it. But its not out there, its within us, it begins with us intimately knowing who we are, about creating an honest relationship with our selves first, that then naturally unfolds with others. If we are willing to establish an intimate relationship with our selves first, to begin the process of restoring true self worth, then saying ‘No’ to abusive forms of communication becomes the norm.