Have you ever had the opportunity to experience love, only to run a million miles or go into self-destruct or sabotage mode, often without even realising it until it is too late?
I had just this; an incredible relationship, an amazing man who adored me, and most of all could see me for the incredible woman I was, even though I was not choosing to live that woman at the time of our relationship.
I knew how much he loved me, that he would always be there for me, and to be honest, it has only been recently I have been able to admit and see just how far I went to push him away and end our relationship.
I constantly went into self-doubt, always questioning him about where he had been, and my mind would have a field day with me, coming up with all sorts of scenarios while he was out with his friends.
Yes, I was young, but deep down I knew he was not up to anything, that he was totally trustworthy, but because of my own insecurities and lack of self-worth I would go into self-destruct mode and on would come the arguments, which just confirmed for me that there was something more than what he said was going on, even though I would be the one to instigate the arguments to begin with.
I would think that if he became argumentative in return then there had to be more to it, or if he walked away or didn’t want to talk about it, then again there had to be more to it.
Absurd, crazy and totally unnecessary, but for me, holding myself back, not allowing myself to truly be loved or to live the love and the woman I was, was a self-defence mechanism I had created to keep others away, no matter how much I loved or cared for them. I had so much fear around being hurt I wanted to get in first.
The crazy thing was it was me who was doing all the hurting; firstly, and most of all, to myself, and then to others, as an end result of my own issues I was not choosing to deal with or allowing myself to feel.
Relationships are something many of us want, but not all of us allow ourselves to truly commit in full, without holding back any of ourselves. It is this holding back, the constant guard and protection that we hold so dearly, that contrasts with the absolute love that we should be holding dear – the absoluteness that allows us to stop and connect to ourselves and others, to have deep connections with no expectations, ideals, images or wanting of another to be anything but themselves.
I was lucky enough to have such a relationship presented to me at a young age. Sure it was not perfect but there was a love there that could have supported it to deepen and develop into something that was true if the choice had been made.
It was not until recently that I realised I had held regret for the choices I had made, as well as the hurt I still held in my body for not choosing love over my own insecurities and hurts.
What I am learning is just that – it is a choice to allow yourself to be open, to commit in full and not hold back, to honour yourself and another in the gentleness, tenderness and fragility we are.
To love and commit to a relationship with yourself first is paramount: that all relationships begin with you and without that, you cannot truly commit to or love another.
It is for me an ongoing commitment, one that I am developing and deepening daily, constantly observing my choices. If they are a step towards the love I am, or away, do I choose to open up and let others in or am I choosing to hide behind the protection that I create in order to not be seen for, or live, the amazingness I am?
True relationships develop, as do we, and it has been with the ongoing love, support and reflections of Serge Benhayon, his family and Universal Medicine that I have had my own journey of re-connection and development of what it is to live as the woman I am today, and to discover and allow myself to begin to live in, and part of, true relationships.
By Nicole Serafin, Age 44, Tintenbar NSW, Woman, wife, mother, hairdresser