I have just realised that I have all these pictures, ideals and beliefs in my head about women in relationships and on how a woman should be in a relationship.
For so long I was unaware of these pictures as I have been single for ages and there has been no potential on the horizon, but recently that has changed… and so has my behaviour.
You see, when there was no potential relationship with a man, I was just being me… no one to impress, no neediness or anything, but as soon as I had a potential, these pictures started popping up all over the place. The hard thing was to realise that the pictures are not me; that I have taken them on so that I would fit in and belong.
These pictures look a bit like this, and for each woman they will be different, but here are some of mine:
- As a woman I should look a certain way, either sexy or feminine, for a man to like me and want to be in a relationship with me
- The house should be clean and tidy or else I am not a good woman
- The dinner should be perfect and everyone should enjoy it otherwise I am a failure as a woman
- I should be happy, fun and playful otherwise I am not a good woman
- I should be a good parent
- I should be smart
And the list will go on until bit by bit I get more and more honest about these pictures and beliefs that I have somehow had in my mind and thought were me, but aren’t really. At some point in my life, probably when I was very young, I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.
I am starting to realise that from my role models, and from what I have seen on TV, in movies and in society, I have taken on these pictures of what it is to be, not only a woman, but also a women in relationship, as being me – but in fact it is not me at all.
The tricky part is that when I get caught in the trying to be the ‘picture’, in trying to look sexy, to have the house picture perfect clean and to make the perfect dinner, to have the perfect relationship, I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.
In that moment, I contract or feel less and cannot for the life of me just relax and be me…
The other choice that I consider in that moment is to give up completely because it’s like I will never be able to reach the impossible standards I have set for myself as a woman – and I have only set the standards because of the pictures in my head.
I am not sure how it must feel for the man at the other end of this scenario – I am yet to discover that – but it must feel kind of strange meeting a woman and seeing her as herself but then the next time that you see her she is anxious and putting on a show. It’s no wonder guys can sometimes get cold feet in a relationship with a woman and run. Maybe it’s just that they feel the falseness of the picture and say no to that. Maybe they are not interested in the “made up version” and in fact the part they liked was the real one.
It has taken me years to acquire all these pictures of woman in relationship and how a woman ‘should’ be, act and behave in a relationship, so as much as I would like to discard them overnight, I realise that this is a work in progress and requires my honesty and awareness to slowly, one by one, become aware of each picture and decipher whether it’s me or a picture.
I may be attached to some pictures more than others and identified in them in some way, depending on how ingrained they are in me and that is okay, as it is all part of my process. Now my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationship.
by Rosie Bason, Age 35, Massage therapist, Parent, Business owner, Goonellabah
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine
Identify the picture and then nominate it as being anti-evolutionary and this will deliver a case of hot feet but stick around as our feet are for True Movement and nothing to do with being cold as we are innately fiery.
I am seriously noticing the women around me who simply love being themselves, it is infectious. When a women knows who she is she shines so bright.
Nothing like being honest and observe the pictures that condition us in our relationships, to really break us free from them
It is so true that we have taken years to build up a collection of pictures about how we should be in all different situations in life and it is a work in progress to become aware of them, examine them and then choose to discard them. Recently I have been ill for several weeks and my picture of needing to get back to work as soon as possible and start being productive again made me force my body to go back to work before it was ready with predictable consequences and it was only when I was off again that I became willing to surrender to the healing on offer and ditch my pictures of what a good worker looks like.
We all have our issues that have been buried for life times so is it any wonder that we have to unravel slowly with an honest approach to eliminate all we are not in our essences.
When we find ourselves being caught up in our ideals of ‘should’ we can stop and ask ourselves ‘Do we want the other person to fit their ‘shoulds’ or to just be who they are?”
It’s worth letting go of all the pictures and all the effort and trying to be something we’re not, because when someone is in love with you, actually you, it’s such an incredible feeling.
Accepting and appreciating ourselves for who we truly are helps us to let go of these pictures, ‘I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.’
One picture of mine I can certainly vouch for is: ‘I ‘should’ be a good, hard and conscientious worker to prove my self worth’, a picture what feels like I have held for a long time however this picture is definitely not who I am. What I am becoming aware of is how we place the pictures onto others thinking it is them and who they are when in truth it could not be further from the truth. It makes sense to me that when we hold a picture within us we hold it not only for ourselves but we hold it for everyone.
This is very true what you share here Caroline, so many people can be imprisoned by these false pictures. Time to let these pictures go, ‘I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.’
Is it my task as the woman to be the one responsible for keeping the so called harmony (peace) in the house so that the man (or others involved) doesn’t experience the turmoil that is there? I am realising there are still ‘relics’ left of this picture that are playing out, like trying to please others so they won’t have to bother to look at their own part of creating a disharmony. And it is not truly harmony, it is more that things can be swept under the carpet instead of delt with when they present themselves.
Yes when we choose to live more from our essence, we naturally are pulled up to strip off the layers on top (that are lies over our truth, not who we are). This can be an image, a role, an ideal or belief, an expectation, a thought etc..
Learning to see the difference between who we are by essence and what we are not, is a very freeing and loving journey. One that never ends. Until we are fully resurrected back to our Soul, our essential beingness.
It is a loving work in progress to unravel what we have taken on, let it go and live more of ourselves.
I find it interesting how there can be the real you and the you that is put out on show to avoid having the real you rejected. And I actually admire how complicated and actually very sophisticated this is, and I know that I have done this so many times too, and watch people I know do it too. That we as humans are aware that we can pick and choose how we are perceived, I reckon shows the signs of a vastly more grand intelligence that knows exactly all the rules of this earth and will bend and manipulate as it sees fit in order to give to itself exactly what it wants – i.e. comfort, security, issues, dilemmas, identification, distraction – whilst all the while knowing that the real and true you is still there, a you that is simple and pure and deeply uncomplicated.
Living life through pictures is rather bleak and empty, because the pictures cause so much stress and anxiety and are a distraction away from us just being and feeling ourselves. When we just relax into life and allow it to be how it is, and for us to be who we are, without trying to impress anyone else or convince them that we’re who we think they want us to be, we’re a lot more real, and so are our connections with others.
We do not know who we are, so we create pictures to fill that void, to make us be something that we are not and that has been projected to us. Connecting deeper within to who we truly are provides us with an understanding that we are indeed enough, just being, accepting and appreciating ourselves for who we truly are little by little blows all those pictures out of the water.
Letting go of pictures can only happen when we bring enough awareness to our lives and our choices to see what those pictures are, and why we created them in the first place. Building a connection to what we can feel, and learning to discern whether something feels great or not, is a first step towards letting go of those pictures. Life based on how we feel means that the pictures start to become redundant, because they just feel unimportant and irrelevant compared to the grandness, the space and stillness we can feel when we allow ourselves that freedom to let go.
I so loved reading this again today, as it has been a moment to appreciate how many of those pictures I’ve let go of and how much more me I now am. I had lots of pictures around being in a relationship but then once I was in one, I then had lots of pictures of being a woman in relationship in a family and then when I had kids, with a family. I can remember just turning myself inside out to impress my parents and in-laws when they would come over, having everything picture perfect and that I was being a great allrounder partner and mother. Exhausting with a capital E. The whole time they get this diluted form of us and miss out on actually being together.
It is so good to see and appreciate what we are no longer held in, as in all the pictures and roles that we try to fit rather than just being ourselves. Sure we have to be a mum, a partner, do the cleaning etc but those activities do not define us.
Yes why is it that we see things and get stuck in yet another picture of “its just the way it is”. It is only that way because we have accepted that! Each moment is a new beginning and up to us to change if we feel to.
I love this Rosie and I can relate to it, I know that when someone has shown that they love me I can have pictures come in of how I then think I need to be, but in this I change and the person no longer gets the ‘me’ they fell in love with. It is an experience to open up and allow another to see all of you.
Yes it sure is and so lovely when we are open to that and see the all of them and accept it without needing to change anything to suit yet another picture.
I can so relate to this, I recently met a man and we decided to go on a date. I then went in on myself trying to fit what I thought would be the picture he would want. I realised that this was a form of protection and a way for me to avoid going deeper and opening up to what was on offer in the relationship.
I have been looking at this too, how we can get caught up in over there and fitting in but it is all just to avoid going deeper within. Why do I avoid that….? hmm thats a good question. Its as if I am exploring going places I haven’t been before, allowing more of the delicate woman out and it scares me just because it is unknown and I have lived so long in protection.
As we unravel what is not us it is so lovely to reconnect to the depths of who we are and build a loving relationship with ourselves and with this we are in a much stronger position to take all of us into all our relationships.
Absolutely and it also supports us in instances where we do go off track or take a detour as we then have a foundation to return to.
A great conversation to open up Rosie, as I am sure many of us have experienced doing this; my hand is up. I say ‘doing’ because this is precisely what we choose to go into whilst negating our innately gorgeous quality of being, in order to ‘live up’ or ‘measure up ‘ to something that we think will garner attention, acceptance or approval. We are more than enough and the more we develop a loving relationship with our ‘enoughness’ that more we confidently meet others and share this gorgeous quality of our being.
We really are more than enough and we need to appreciate this more and more because if we don’t own it, live it and appreciate ourselves how can we expect anyone else to.
Much of what you shared is in fact so familiar to many. Being yourself in a relationship not being run over with set ups, ideals and beliefs and expectations, is not our current reality. Yet I have been presented by The Way of The Livingness that there is no reason why we should allow it to let ideals, beliefs, expectations and set ups run us, if we choose a more free and open-hearted way of living. Hence, we can cure by our care-full living.
Yes, creating pictures in our relationships does feel like a trap and the crazy thing is one we set for ourselves and others to fall into. So, by discarding the pictures in our relationships and of how things need to be frees us up to be who we are and this allows others to be who they are too.
I find when I create pictures around relationships and how I think we should be, it feels like I am setting things up to fail and it is like an excuse to not go deeper in my relationships. For example, I create a picture in my head for someone I am in relationship with, expecting them to fit into it, and the crazy thing is this person has no idea what the picture in my head looks like, which means it is almost impossible to meet. And, when my picture is not met, I then feel deeply hurt and I immediately go into protection, shutdown and blame. As a result the other person feels rejected and hurt. So, do you get the picture of how damaging it is to create or hold onto pictures in a relationship? It sounds like I am writing a script for a soap opera but I have been living with many, many different types of pictures in my head and have allowed them to affect my relationships for a long time. So, learning to be in a relationship without pictures is something new for me and I am definitely open to it, as it supports me to be in true relationship based on love, instead of one that is governed by pictures that harms us all.
Awesome blog Rosie. I have been in a relationship for 16 years and I recently realised how much pictures and expectations are affecting my relationship and how they also impact all my other relationships. It is great to nominate them and get to the root of why I have held onto them for so long. Sometimes I think I have let go of one but find it reoccurs again. I now see this as an opportunity to ask myself why I am holding onto it. What is the reason behind this and what is it really showing me?
I absolutely know what you are talking about, thinking I was totally fine with relationships for as long as I was single and then noticing a whole lot coming up when I started looking outside again. The thing I learned is that it does not mean we are wrong when we have it coming up or that we are making the wrong steps, it just means it is an area in life where we still can learn a lot and grow from so we can be steady and our self there too.
Pictures have been my worst nightmare. I’ve been chasing the dream since I can remember. It has been my biggest distraction to daydream about love and how that would look compared to being intimate, caring and super tender loving with myself. Pictures do not bring a whole body experience as it so foolishly suggests.
There is nothing quite as lovely as being able to be yourself with someone, and that includes being amazing (without a single picture in sight).
At the moment I am just discovering how I change and all the pictures I have about being in a relationship. There are certain things that I just hadn’t seen before, its not that they weren’t there but it was an area that I had shut down my expression in and now as I re-open myself to relationships there is much that is coming out for me to see and be aware of.
There are things that are always there but we are just not aware at the time… but awareness or not… they are there all the same..
I can relate to what you have shared here Rosie. When I was single I was more at ease in myself and didn’t think about relationships, there was more contentment and settlement. Then when I went into a relationship I didn’t hold this and could feel all the pictures that came in, particularly when the relationship ended. That was then when I went into wanting something from outside of me more and feeling unsettled. It was here that I had become affected by and taken on pictures of how I needed to be as a woman.
Then it all becomes one big fat lie that we try to maintain. Crazy.
Yes its not a pleasant surprise when you realise that you haven’t been dating who you think you have because you have been dating a bunch of pictures and a false front.
It sure is a trap of our own making and I have found that as I discard one, I often will come up with a replacement but with more and more awareness and willingness to really look at it all.. its getting better and I am allowing myself to just be be me and love and appreciate me.
It is indeed a clever setup which can take years to unravel but once the attachment and the hold of the pictures have gone there is a level of acceptance about ourselves that was not there before, and there is an ease to being ourselves without worrying what others might think of us. This alone shows how retarding the ideals and beliefs are.
I discovered just yesterday that in my picture of being a woman and being an adult, I have to be serious… and in actual fact I am naturally quite playful and I often supress that part of me and even a part of my sexiness. got to let that out more often!
When we get preoccupied and caught up in the polarities of the I am good or I am bad game we all too often forget to simply be ourselves.
It is that forever search of trying to be more because we don’t appreciate that we are already enough just by being who we are. It is exhausting. The striving outside rather that the accepting and appreciating within.
Women are so influenced by images and we are totally bombarded with them via the media, magazines the internet and even our relationships. The more women value their inner-self, how they feel, what they like and how they do life – they will be less inclined to look outside for satisfaction or confirmation from outer images.
I am sure men have a whole collection of pictures too!
Yes as women we might blame men to have to high expectations of us but I think it is indeed mostly us that put these massive expectations on ourselves. Getting honest about this is really courageous and I love how you are tenderly exposing them one by one, really honouring who you are and not blaming yourself for taking them on in the first place.
The pictures and or beliefs that we have laced through our lives are purely there to halt us from the true beauty and intimacy of who we are. I love relationships because they allow us to see reflections and or patterns that we may not see ourselves but are seen and felt by our partners, which enables us to learn and grow together and uncover the true person within and release the well used images of protection. When we are honest we start to uncover our most intimate parts of ourselves to others and it is from here we allow ourselves to be transparent and that is truly amazing.
We grow up learning to respond to the world of images, pictures, ideals and beliefs that we are surrounded by, to attain a sense of worth or belonging, to fit in, or even to seek to define who we are as woman, a mother, a child, or successful, strong, sexy or whatever it may be. But as you have shared Rosie, none of this offers us a true reflection of who we are, or truly allows us to know and explore how to live in connection to a quality that is innate in us all, our essence, which is what truly defines everything that we already are.
All of these ideals and believes of what it means to be a women will just serve to set us up for failure, especially as they are often unrealistic and based on getting everything perfect.
True, but reality is so many women are caught up in them.
Say good bye to shoulds and avoid complication at all costs. This really changes things!
All those ‘shoulds’ that keep us from being who we are should be let go of.
Ha.. great point Mary – we are so caught up in everything we think we need to be that we totally loose sight of the fact that we are everything already, just by being who we are.
Should should just not be part of our vocabulary!
The underlying anxiety I feel is trying to get things right and when I make a mistake it feels like the end of the world especially when there are many people involved. Yet recently when an incident happened where I had forgotten an important item of clothing for an event it didn’t affect me like it would normally. Yes I felt distraught at the time but I couldn’t hold onto it for very long because put simply it wasn’t worth it. Living in perfection is impossible yet this has been a big picture I have taken on. It is indeed a work in progress to let it go and the more I learn to accept myself in full mistakes and all the more content I feel to be the ‘real’ me.
A lot of the things we go into or get caught up in are really not worth it, and in that, with awareness, we can see how much energy we waste.
Thank you Rosie for sharing about the pictures ideals and beliefs that make up the sum total of life as it is mostly lived and who we think we are. These false ideals are fed to us from an early age and are carried through out our life until we learn the truth that they are not who we truly are. One huge picture I had was “good ” being good, doing good, with no sense of the true me anywhere. The pictures attached to the “good” are slowly disappearing as I connect more to and claim the true me, I know more will yet appear, as I am open to see them for what they truly are, false , with not one ounce of truth in them.
I know you are not alone in wanting to be good, getting caught in the never ending trying to get it right… it is like this for many and what I am realising is that for me it comes from not having enough self worth and or appreciating that I am enough just as I am. There is no need to be anything more or get recognition from outside of me.
When we go from outside of ourselves, the pictures will always change depending on what others are up to, what is in fashion etc and that thought alone feels exhausting. Its the same as you know when someone tells a white lie and they have to keep the false story going on and on and by then its too late or awkward to reveal the real story..but it does come out eventually. When we feel from within, it really doesn’t matter what others are up to and when we are ourselves right from the beginging there is no story to keep up with. We can just be.
Once you are aware that we create pictures that then dictate how we should be in a relationship, it really brings it home how false we are being, and untrue to ourselves and our partners.
After seeing some of the pictures I had been running with during my first marriage, what stood out was how these ideals and beliefs had stepped out of a ‘How to be a perfect wife’ book I read as a teenager, which was written in the 50’s, and here I was in the 80’s trying to re-create the perfect image of what it means to be a ‘good wife’. During the duration of that marriage that lasted seven years, I now wonder how much of the real me my ex-husband got to see, and what is also clear, is how quickly the cracks began to appear. Along with that he also brought his bag of tricks to the party of what it meant to be a good husband – did we actually know each other (no need to answer that).
Trying and controlling are so exhausting and we miss out on the magic that can occur when we surrender and allow.
Before saying yes to my current relationship I was completely unaware to many pictures I was/am holding as to how life, myself and others should be. Having pictures feels like it leads to a lot of controlling of life. Which I’ve only really put 2+2 together now. Control comes from trying to confirm our pictures. Thank you Rosie.
Rosie there are lots of myths around how a woman (but also a man) should be whether in relationship or whether not. I grew up in a strong Indian culture and to be a woman, there were expectations imposed upon us. To name a few: study hard you’ll be an attractive prospect for a husband, be a good cook – another brownie point for your husband and in laws, produce children – be a good mother, carer and more and the list goes on.
To remove these pictures is a working progress but the fact that you made the choice to no longer accept this is a great starting point. We all have our belief systems, images and pictures that contract us from who we truely are but underneath we all the same……..
Yes women and men have enough ideals and pictures to live up to without the extra ones put on us by different religions and cultures. It is great when we realise that we don’t have to be part of that cultural belief or way and that we can actually choose what feels right for us, even if we have been doing the same old same old for a long long time. Its never to late to choose what is right for us.
Being honest with ourselves and not being swayed by pictures and images we hold in our mind completely changes the way we live, the choices we make and the true feeling of joy we have inside.
Acquiring pictures starts from such a young age – observing children in primary school and years ago when in playgroups. What models do we, as women, portray to these young ones? Clocking my own pictures is a start – and is quite shocking to realise how many I have! As you mention in a comment Rosie, the more aware we become about them the less power they have over us.
Its true that there are so many pictures we have of how we need to be as a woman and then when these come in we lose ourselves and our expression changes. I have just started dating someone and can feel constantly these silent thoughts and messages that I am judging myself against. However, in the moments where I just connect with me- it is very beautiful and everything just flows.
The great thing is, the more we become aware of these pictures of how we need to be as a woman, and the more we see them for what they are, just a picture and not true at all, the less power they have over us. I have found as I realise one picture, I get more aware of another and another. I could even judge myself for having so many pictures but I am really appreciating how I am becoming more and more aware of this. This is the key!
I had my own list of “relationship pictures”, most of which are on your list, and trying to live those pictures was so very challenging, usually ending up with me feeling very resentful and frustrated as they didn’t seem to make being in a relationship any easier; often harder. How liberating it is to have now let go of these pictures – well most of them – and to allow myself to just be the wonderful me, in whatever relationship I am in.
Great to feel your commitment to living without pictures Rosie without putting pressure on yourself to get there immediately. What is coming up for me this morning is my picture that being in a relationship is hard work and I have to be constantly working at making it better rather than just relaxing and being myself. It is never about the relationship it is about my connection with myself and building that so that there is no room for pictures to come in and sabotage.
When we start to become aware of the pictures we hold it can be quite shocking to feel how much those images have controlled our lives and our choices. It is very freeing when we live not by pictures but from how we truly feel from within.
Pictures we hold can be so insidious, because when we have pictures/expectations and impose those onto others, we always end up feeling disappointed. Why? Because the pictures aren’t real, they are made up and so other people have no idea what it is we’ve conjured up in our heads, so of course they are set up to fail, the whole thing is set up to make sure we stay in usually in emotions, drama and lots of complication. So when we drop the pictures, it does make things more clear and simplistic.
Oh yeah and we all know how ridiculous and unobtainable some of those pictures are!
A great blog Rosie; such a beautiful confirmation to renounce the pictures, ideals and beliefs, without perfection or giving ourselves a ‘hard’ time. Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom.
If we really step back and look at this it’s crazy that we, as women, change to try and attract someone. If that person does like us, then 1: is it really us they like? and 2: we’ve set a completely dishonest foundation for the relationship. Why would we not want to be with someone who totally loves and cherishes us for who we are?
Yes that is a good point, the key being not to object ourselves in the first place. I find that appreciating and valuing myself is a great place to start.
“At some point in my life, probably when I was very young, I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.” So great to re-read your post Rosie. Having pictures – about anything – sets us up to fall short of the image we think we need to follow.
It is sad really when you think about how so many of us have reduced ourselves down to fit a picture. I say reduce because we are so much more than any picture.
Reading your sharing Rosie, I can relate to some of the ways you speak of, especially my expectation of how I should be and how I will be viewed if I am not this person that my mind has conjured up!
Rosie – you have presented a great exercise for all of us as women (and men for that matter) to consider deeply. If we were all to just sit down and write down all that we ‘believe’ or think that a woman (or man) ‘should’ be, it would be interesting to see what comes out. No different to how you have presented it here in this blog Rosie – e.g. Must be good looking, smart, quiet, good cook, keeps house tidy, good mother (what ever THAT means!?) and so on and so forth. None of these actually consider the person, the Being. It all looks purely at the outside and how and what a woman DOES. The focus becomes completely different and outside of the Being. But what if we focused on the qualities that we each bring, naturally so…rather than what we do. What if we focused on how we felt and how tender we are, how honest we can be and the steadiness and the holding that we all naturally have deep within (but often forget about).
There is so much to appreciate about ourselves, about our being instead of what we do but as you mentioned, this is what we often forget about and yet the doing is not who we are!
These false images and pictures sabotage our relationship with self and others, ‘when I get caught in the trying to be the ‘picture’, in trying to look sexy, to have the house picture perfect clean and to make the perfect dinner, to have the perfect relationship, I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.’
I can so relate to this, I have been single too and recently meeting someone and feeling a spark with them- the connection at first was strong, steady and there was a knowingness and ease. After that the feelings of excitement and all the pictures came in and I found it hard to be myself with this man, thinking I needed to do something to impress him and have the relationship fall into the picture that I wanted it to be.
I was speaking to a man yesterday and it was interesting to note I didn’t change, I was able to just be me. It’s great to treat all relationships as dates, being aware of our changing behaviours and dismissing the false pictures that can pop up.
I agree Merrilee, and its good to treat all relationships equally. Why is it okay to be one with some, and then reserved, closed or shut down with another.
I can so relate to this, when there is a potential with a man I have thoughts come in of, ‘I have made it’ or an excitement come in and all these pictures of what it will be and in that I am totally gone and lose myself. As you describe, this would be a put of for anyone and it exposes that I need to love myself and know myself more deeply so that I don’t change for anyone.
This is a refreshing take on what might make a man ‘run a mile’ from a potential relationship Rosie, to say no to the falsity of the pictures she is attempting to live up to… we are so good at twisting this to be about their deficiencies, or to turn it on ourselves and conclude we are not lovable/worthy. To be honest as you’ve done, and see what is playing out is the key I agree, so that what you offer a potential partner is the real you, and not a constructed version.
Thank you for exposing all the false images we take on for how we think we ‘should’ be. When we develop a truly loving relationship with ourselves then we can share all that we are with another.
It is gorgeous that you have come to a place where you are choosing to be aware of all the roles and pictures you have accumulated rather than just be a slave to them as most are. From the awareness the ability to unravel them can lead you to discovering who you are picture free, reflecting to others they can be this too.
I think we’re laced with so many pictures of what we should be like as women that we actually think they’re normal! A woman just being herself and being true to what she feels is SO powerful in any relationship.
It is these pictures and images that offer harm our potential in relationships. Not only the ones we have our selves as women but those we can judge in our choice of partners.
Gorgeous photo of you Rosie. It is so interesting how these images can make us feel so exhausted, empty and out of sorts. It never truly works when we try to fit into these false images. I have found the best and most loving way to be in any relationship is to be ourselves.
Spot on Chan – being ourselves is certainly the best Medicine! When we try to fit into images and ideals and beliefs, life feels complicated and difficult. This is how we get to feel that things are not actually naturally unfolding for us. And in this way we learn to identify the images, and then to let them go and try out a different way of being, a different way of living. What a learning life is, or really I should say what an un-learning of all the ideals and beliefs that we have been fed along the way! Thankfully the truth that lies within us never goes away, it is just about re-developping our relationship with it and strengthening that bond rather than a ‘bond’ with the false images!
Thank you for sharing this insightful blog Rosie! I agree that if we could just start out in relationships just by being our true selves, many of our difficulties would disappear or not be present at all. Why we feel we have to put the pressure on ourselves to be a certain way that is not natural to who we are, I don’t know. We complicate our lives by trying to live up to not only our standards, but others also. To accept who we truly are and change only those things that will be to our benefit, makes sense to me.
Very true Linda and the thing is we are given images all the time, constantly in fact and often we are not even aware of the fact that these images are being fed to us. They are not ones we make up ourselves but they are fed to us simply by the choice of energy that we are aligned to.
It is interesting how we think we will be rejected for being ourselves, I know for me who ever I was with, whether I was in a relationship or with people I know there was always a feeling of not being enough,, and I would not be accepted for just being me The ‘more’ would come in the form of doing, if I was being helpful, working hard making sure everything was perfect, wanting to be liked and not rocking the boat were some of the pictures I had created to be accepted. The truth is I was not accepting myself and the true qualities that I was able to bring to any relationship.
So easy to want to blame rather than take responsibility isn’t it. I love how you have shared that you were not accepting yourself and your true qualities. The more we accept and appreciate ourselves, the less we need to “do” to prove ourselves or look for recognition outside of ourselves.
Thank you Rosie what you have shared here is a great exposure to the pictures we can live by that are miles away from who we truly are. In the past I would try and fulfill all these pictures I had in my head and would always end up exhausted and feeling quite empty. Learning to appreciate and accept myself and all the unique qualities that I bring have been key to letting go of these pictures and living the true me.
Rosie, this is such mega super important subject. If we discard ourselves and disregard our body – we can not truly say that we live from who we are (in a women’s body). And it makes a lot of sense that the choices we have been making are based on ideals and believes that are actually super false and so upsetting us and our body – when we choose to go into them and believe them. So is it so important to come back to ourselves women and start to see and stop these evils thoughts, believes and ideals that make us so super unreal and protective about ourselves. We can end it – simply now by discarding the lies we have been fed.
Rosie I really love your honest blog. What you have so beautiful shared is something I also discovered and I only can agree that it it worth it “to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationship.” It is also important to do so to be an inspiration for our daughters – they should learn to be who they are and not to fall for all these ideals and beliefs.
I have built my life around pictures too Rosie, not even knowing who my true self is. Letting go of the pictures, ideals, beliefs and images of being perfect and trying to fit into what I think everyone wants me to be is exhausting. I have realised now, that the only way to deepen my relationships with others and remain true to myself is to build on the relationship with me first, and this takes a great deal of honesty and compassion for myself, but a journey worth taking.
I completely understand that fear of rejection, and trying to play-act out what images I have to please someone so they will not go away. This however, only tended to create a cage for both of us, with neither one feeling like they wanted to stay, but both of us feeling trapped. Since learning about just being myself however, things have changed, and I no longer fear rejection, it just no longer comes in to the picture as a possibility.
Is it possible that in assessing a potential relationship or being in the early stages of one, both the man and the woman are acting out the separate images and beliefs that they have set themselves as personal benchmarks or targets for being the perfect partner? They may have met and been attracted to each other’s real selves in the first place, only to begin to meet a fabricated version as things develop. This begs the question, ‘Who do we fall in love with?’ and also raises the implication that if we continue to set a foundation for the relationship based on our ideals and beliefs about who or how we should be for them and who or how they should be for us, then we are required to become actors, on stage every day, performing to the part and leaving our true selves in the dressing room. Not a great way to secure a loving relationship where we can offer to love and be loved for who we truly are.
I could so resonate with a lot of what you shared here Rosie, these pictures we hold can be so limiting, then attach ideals and beliefs to them, this brings in all types of complication to fit into a stereotype or a box that society wants us to be put into. It is up to us to ensure this doesn’t happen, to take responsibility for the connection to ourselves.
Brilliant blog Rosie. It’s funny in a way that I have been exposing the pictures and images i hold for myself that dictate to me what it looks like to be a woman, but had not put the ones about having a clean and tidy house and perfect dinner with them. Interesting how we can choose to be blind to certain pictures – I’m feeling it’s the ones we have investments and attachments to that we aren’t wanting to let go off – or that they are so ingrained that we have taken them on as who we are and don’t see them as something we’ve taken on.
Rosie, reading your blog I realised that I do put on a front with others, trying to work out what would be the best way of behaving and looking etc that will fit with the image I have of what will impress them. How exhausting and disrespectful to the real me! I have chipped away at this pattern of behaviour but clearly there are still plenty of ideals and beliefs to weed out and discard so that I am ‘me’ regardless of where I am and who is around me. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
Love your honesty Helen. With honesty we can change, but without it we just continue in false pictures and ideals and beliefs.
Another big picture that I fell for, and I see so many women falling for, was that I had to have children in relationship. So much so that the relationship with the man was secondary! Ouch. And to have a life that looks a certain way.
The reality is that it is challenging to have a child, to look after yourself with loving care as well as them, and continue a deepening relationship with yourself AND your partner. From my experience, I feel it is not something to be taken on without careful consideration of whether it is needed, coming from a true foundation, or rather just to fit a picture, which it never will and only produce discontentment.
Totally, the having children is a massive picture that so many go into just to fit the picture and to be accepted and yet it may not be true for them or what they really ever wanted.
There are many images constantly confirmed by marketing efforts, like wearing certain clothes, ideal happy family comments like “on the weekend I like to relax with my family and go out for brunch”…. Producing an image that life should be ‘nice’ and always easy. What about when things come up to be talked about and everything comes to a standstill? Or when your child is having trouble adjusting and there are tantrums and ill behaviour to address? What about cleaning the car, sorting out your wardrobe and catching up on accounting?
I get a lot of food blogs because I enjoy cooking and I notice that the content is so often confirming that we must do & eat certain things at certain times of the year: Easter, birthdays, Christmas, confirming that we need treats to celebrate with each other.
These are some examples of images that I have fallen for and allowed to drive me into thinking things should be a certain way, pushing my body and others around me to conform. It’s incredibly liberating to release the pictures and choose real instead. Life expands and feels like a constant opportunity to express more of who we really are.
It is interesting how we get sucked into marketing and how there is this trying to make the perfect picture that we should all live up to yet it is un realistic, and impossible to achieve which leaves us in this feeling of disapointment and not being good enough constantly. Even Facebook is an area where more often than not, people only write about the fun things in life rather than the reality. Lets get real and allow and accept each other for where we are at rather than judge them based on pictures.
Hi Rosie, Great blog and opportunity to expose the ideals and belief I hold around being a woman in relationship. It all feels like something i have been caught up in, in the past and at the time because I was not living the fullness of me, allowed these images and pictures to dictate my behaviours and responses within the relationship. Being in relationship offers opportunity to be more of who we truly are, it also means holding the awareness that this is also the place that the ‘What is not true’ will come up and make itself known. Thanks for sharing your experience. I can feel much will come out of the wisdom presented here.
As we start to understand what responsibility it is simply to have a human body, and when we start to make that responsibility a livingness, then our thoughts words and deeds start to align to a natural integrity that then becomes, innately, a role model for all those that we are in relationship with.
The consequence of constantly feeling the intense pressure to present all parts of your life as picture perfect results in many versions of ourselves being created for all the different roles and expectations we ourselves and society places on us. This not only takes us further away from our true selves but it is absolutely exhausting. It is so much more simple and practical to be ourselves, imperfections and all.
Yes it is exhausting and how lovely when you meet someone who is comfortable with their imperfections. I always love the honesty any day rather than any false pictures.
Yes it is refreshing isn’t it Rosie when we can be real and totally honest with how we are feeling, as this then opens the way for others to do likewise.
It sure is, and I love being in a group of people who are all being honest, no games, no masks, just the real deal no matter what… and in that, everyone is inspiring each other to just be themselves, no judgement.
Thank you Rosie for sharing your experiences, when we are living other than who we truly are, this creates, along with many other things, disharmony within our body and and in relationships. Living from who we truly are, brings about joy in our beingness, no need to be anything other than who we are.
An extremely insightful ( and gorgeous) woman wrote a song recently … “ as I come to know myself, I bring you all of me”…. And that is what happens, and this is what Universal Medicine helps us with
I agree Toni, the demands causing so much pressure and I am the only one that can change them by seeing that being perfect is very boring, is making me frustrated and leads to nothing. When I can let go these demands there is an inner joy that comes out, sparkling and shining.
Trying to be in relationships is often the key ingredient that stops us bringing the level of acceptance and love we can be for each other. By being ourselves and surrendering to more of who we can be we can offer another the time and space to do the same.
I can now see by the pictures I have created of how I should be, how very hard I have been on myself. Because as you say Rosie ‘I will never be able to reach the impossible standards I have set for myself as a woman’. Having these pictures is actually a setup we have created to not appreciate all that we already are. We strive to be something else, an image created by believes and ideals so we are bound to fail. The important thing I am learning is that we can never fail being ourselves.
Yes, one big self inflicted setup.
I can so relate to what you share here Rosie… “In that moment, I contract or feel less and cannot for the life of me just relax and be me…” This is a pattern I have lived for a long time and one that is still unraveling – sometimes its amazing what is revealed and other times very exposing, however it is still a joyful process and I would much rather be connecting to who I am today than stuck in this contracted pattern!
This a great synopsis of what we have all fallen for and suffer at the feet of… and have to unpick one by one. These pictures and ideals and expectations we live up to, just set us up to fail and deny us the pleasure of knowing and living who we innately are, picture free. This is an awesome reminder to commit to addressing these and as you so beautifully put…unravel the what is not me.
Thank you Rosie. I smiled reading your picture list as it was very familiar. Listening to presentations by Serge Benhayon has empowered me to reconnect to who I truly am rather than try to be what I think I should be. Who I am is so much more beautiful than who I am not. Your words are so true “I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not.”
Rosie this is a beautiful reminder for us all to drop the outer pictures and just be ourselves particularly when entering a relationship. Just thinking about a relationship causes a feeling of minor anxiety in me, and I could make a list of all the reasons I have gone there… none of which are real once again ‘pictures’ that are not real. I realise we don’t have many real living examples of true relationships and it’s brilliant that this conversation is busting open the false pictures.
‘I may be attached to some pictures more than others and identified in them in some way, depending on how ingrained they are in me and that is okay, as it is all part of my process.’ I love what you have said here Rosie, it reminds me to be gentle and accepting of myself while working through and letting go of old ideals and beliefs, as you make us aware in your blog, it takes time and that is okay, it’s all part of the process.
Talking of role models, Serge Benhayon has been a profound and wonderful role model for me for many years now, reflecting all that is possible , in wisdom and self responsibility, from parenting to how to be in a relationship with oneself and the world, indeed in all aspects of how to live in harmony.
I have painted pictures of what a woman should be for as long as I could remember, in the likes of what type of mother she should be, what sort of wife she should be and the list goes on and on. I love how you shared that “I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.”
These ideals and beliefs compromise who we are in relationships and can lead to the acceptance of abusive behaviors.
I was reading your list Rosie, and thinking I don’t have the same pictures, yet then I realise that I do, and they’re sneaky. I have similar pictures of how things should be, how a family should look, how a relationship should look, how I should live in my house. All of these put the pressure on and create anxiety. All of these things are not me.
It is amazing to me how far I have come since meeting Serge Benhayon and being a student of Universal Medicine. So many beliefs that I was carrying were causing me anxiety and not serving to support the person I am. So it is so worth recognising the beliefs we hold and unravelling them to feel whether they are true or not and whether they support us to be the awesome, joyful people we are.
“….when I get caught in the trying to be the ‘picture’…. I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me” – Rosie, you so well describe the tension when we are not the ‘real-us’.. and for many of us this is the way or how we hold down jobs, go into relationships, develop businesses or nurture children. I see this (not being the real-us) a lot in my job of Recruitment and would say it’s the underlying reason why we say we don’t love our job (and look for a new one). The picture prevents sight of where we are at, what is real, or not and false. There can be no acceptance for what we cannot, or are not willing and open, to see.
Wow, Rosie, in reading your article I can see that I still have some of the belief patterns of how a woman should be. It is great to get this refllected and exposed. Thank you .
Great honesty in your sharing Rosie, For me, BEING ME in a relationship is like the chicken and the egg debate. At a tiny age we are imposed on and not allowed to be. So by the time I have reached this age, married for nearly 20 years with teenage daughters, my path is well worn. Your writing brings great pondering and relief knowing change is possible. I am sure everyone wants the real me, especially me.
Besides the pictures I hold, there seems to also be a factor that when I am just being me around another, there can be a reaction in the other as if feeling uncomfortable with the rawness of the experience and the power of just being myself that exudes. It is of course important to not react to their reaction and being ok with my own power no matter how others react is a huge step towards that. For this, I have pondered how it is far more honest to stay with my power and allow the reaction in another to unfold, than to measure myself so they feel comfortable. The alternative is to create a picture, to fit another’s picture, and this feels pretty horrible.
It sure does feel pretty horrible. I love how you have written about the rawness and the power of just being yourself. It can be quite foreign when we are used to playing a game and putting the picture out there for all to see. Also makes me wonder why are we so afraid of living in our full power?
“When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.” This line is gold. I had not really considered this before. I find it quite tricky to simply be myself sometimes as I am still working out what that is after lifetimes of playing roles and meeting the expectations of others. This blog inspires me to get to know who I really am.
Leonne, like you I had spent a lifetime of playing roles and it was not until I met Serge Benhayon at 60 were these roles exposed for me to see, so entrenched had they been in my body. Discarding these roles and rediscovering the true me has been life-changing although it took a few serious illness along the way to really get my attention!
Rosie, great blog. I’ve just become aware, thanks to your awesome blog, how many pictures I have about what being a women in a relationship looks like. “Maybe it’s just that they feel the falseness of the picture and say no to that.” – that would make sense. There’s nothing worse then being with someone then have that falseness and they change completely . It’s like ‘hang on, that’s not what I signed up for, where did that come from?’
Yeah exactly…. like, who are you? I thought I was dating someone else!!!
There is no love and truth in ‘should’.
I love this blog and can relate very much to all of it! It’s incredible that we as women take on so many ideals and beliefs what a woman should be and it is so very true ”…I have only set the standards because of the pictures in my head.” ”The house should be clean and tidy or else I am not a good woman” is a big one for me… a picture which I have taken on, which is not true to me and certainly a picture to unravel.
Hi Rosie,
I can say, like you, that I certainly have allowed roles and expectations to mould me. I had a huge check list, not just for relationships but for a lot of areas in my life, and my feeling was that if I did not check all the boxes, then I was not good enough.
The truth was these lists were unrealistic. For instance I wanted to look like someone completely different to me. Its crazy to think how much investment I put into these actions, thinking is would be what would save me. But as I now understand, what was missing all along was my relationship with myself. Starting with this has been how I have been able to shed all the many layers that made up who I was not. It is still a work in progress sometimes, but I can now see more of myself in me, and more of other people in themselves too.
Thanks Hannah, I have also experienced this, and that is that the more I let go of the investment in me to be something other than who I am, and the more I let go of the internal judgement, then I also don’t hold that towards others either. Less expectation on me = less expectations on others.
There are so many pictures we think we should oblige to and cohere to everything we have seen from such a young age. But when I truly feel, I don’t like all these pictures and acts I myself and others are doing. Because I know I and everyone around me are so much more than just these pictures we all hold. It feels very freeing to look at them and let them go, one by one.
Yes Benkt, it is quite freeing, as I let each picture go, it feels like I let others be themselves more so I am not imposing on them in anyway. Not that I wanted to ever impose on them in the first place… but somehow if I had a certain picture of how I thought that they should be, that would be imposing definitely. I was just never aware of this in the past. It is great to learn so much from what Universal Medicine presents. I love it.
Rosie, love the way you trash the notion of the pictures we have, just being a picture rejected, and not the person: “When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal”. So confirming and easy to understand the ‘madness’. It also just goes to show the trouble and how far we (do) go to change, even subvert ourselves into something that is not even us, just because of the recognition or approval we obtain from it. The biggest tension and strain in life is feeling like an undercover fraud, the biggest truth and ease is being our natural selves.
Zofia I love this as a stand alone quote:
“The biggest tension and strain in life is feeling like an undercover fraud, the biggest truth and ease is being our natural selves.”
Thank you!
Yes, role models really do affect the pictures we may hold.
Rosie I love your honesty. I can relate to a lot of what you have shared. The way we can change to suddenly construct ourselves to be something we are not or what we think we need to be. The worry of ‘am I enough’ that can come in and the total put off that this can be. Love your sharing.
Thanks Kristy, I love sharing. I have no shame! If we all share with each other, like what is happening in these comments, we start to see that we are not the only one doing this… and then learn from others little things that we do do that we weren’t even aware of.
The moment we may contemplate the possibility of a relationship, the images of how things have to be come your way.This is what we start a relationship with, not with the person we start a relationship with.
Yes, the initial part of the relationship is all in the images instead of the real deal. Hmmm, thats crazy.
It’s great Rosie, how you can see the pictures influencing how you are. I found the same when discovering I had to let go of a relationship. I had a picture of how I thought my life would be. When that picture was revealed I found letting go of the relationship much simpler.
Thanks Sandra, I had not pictured that side of the coin!
What a gorgeous blog Rosie. I can feel I have held many of those same pictures. In fact I still do …. the thought of being in a relationship has been very daunting for me as a result. It is great to feel that the answer to this dilemma is actually simple. Just be myself, love myself and open my heart.
Rosie thank you so much for this insightful blog. There are so many pictures as you say that come up when relationships are new, and expectations and beliefs. I love your comment above “I am just practising being myself in all of my interactions and within all of my relationships”. I feel for me that this is a great way to go, after all we are always in relationship in this world. To know who we truly are and in the livingness of that has to be a great start.
So insightful Rosie. It takes a deep level of honesty to become aware that this is what we can do. I have done this in the past without knowing this was what I was doing. But even though there was little awareness of what I was doing, there was a huge awareness that I did not like what I was doing. Perhaps this is why I have shied away from relationships as the losing of myself feels so horrible. Your blog gives such a deeper understanding.
With honesty and awareness we can change our behaviours. We don’t need to change ourselves, just the patterns of behaviour that we have allowed to play out over and over even when they have not felt great. For me, I am just practising being myself in all of my interactions and within all of my relationships. The more that I do that, the more I realise how lovely I actually am, naturally. The behaviours, the ideals and beliefs and all the pictures upon pictures is what never felt right, but I was just not aware…somewhere along my life I thought they were me instead of the awesome, beautiful, sweet, loving me.
Great practice, just be yourself in all interactions. I am sure it shows how often we tend to go into behaviours based on beliefs. I will take your idea into my days and see what comes up. I guess more of me
I have particularly love how I have come to know myself , as a man, in the years of attending Universal Medicine presentations. To be able to start to let go of such ingrained hurts and old shields and protections that have weighed down and hidden my true grace and tenderness, is a blessing that unfolds for me daily, and for which I am eternally grateful.
Thanks Chris, it is beautiful that with the support of Universal Medicine, so many have been able to let go of what they are not, the hurts and massive shields of armour that they have hidden behind to shine brightly like the beautiful being that they have actually always been but had not perhaps realised.
Thanks Rosie. Looking back on times when I have asked out a girl, it hasn’t been with any real confidence or knowing of who I am. That is probably why a lot said no! I knew deep down that I always had the potential to be in a relationship and show who I truly am, but was just too shy to show it as I was afraid of rejection. What I’m glad about now is that I’ve learned how to just be me, and boy I’m amazing. Then I notice I’m having similar feelings come up when I consider being in a relationship with someone, it’s a feeling of what do I have to be in this relationship. It’s totally unnatural. I would prefer to stay single until I have really claimed that I’m going to be myself no matter what.
I can so relate Harrison, and your comment came to me right at the right time, as I have been feeling like I would love a relationship but there is a part of me that just hasn’t fully claimed who I am and I could so easily morph into someone else, put on the pictures etc, trying to be liked rather than just be who I am. Better stay single than do that for sure!
Hear hear Harrison and Rosie, my sentiments exactly. I too would love a relationship but am I ready, have I fully claimed all of me – maybe I need some relationship practice…. but I trust my body will let me know what I need and when I am ready.
But we can also hide in the “I’m not ready” stage. There comes a time where putting it to the test is what will be offered for evolution. Does “I’m still working on myself” apply when evolution comes knocking? Something to discern as yes, it’s great we learn to be solid in ourselves, just don’t get lost there.
Good point Nikki, lets not get lost in a comfortable safe place!
Such a great blog Rosie, I know so many times in my life when I have tried to be what I think is the ‘perfect woman’, it has not worked at all in impressing most men – makes me wonder why I have hung on to those pictures and beliefs and kept using them!! It’s a good time to stop and have a look at why we have these beliefs and why we do not feel that we are super awesome just they way we are.
In the past I had some definite pictures in my head as to what it meant to be a wife and to me that looked like being there for her husband, cooking, cleaning, never complaining, attending functions in the belief that it would make him look better, never contradicting him in public and putting him first so that he could advance in his chosen career. I was young and although I felt as though I was going against the grain, I didn’t stop and question why I thought this was what marriage was.
Hi Julie,
I bet a lot of women can relate to those pictures that you have exposed. When I read them, its like you have this idea that the husband is better and more important than you so you dedicate yourself to him and lose yourself in the process. No love in that.
I like how you wrote it as a Mini self, as that is exactly it, we end up playing a smaller version of the whole awesome person we naturally are and this effects absolutely everyone.
“When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal” – BINGO Rosie!
To realise this is just so freeing and also just shows the level to which we’ve taken on ideals or beliefs to make them moulds of our mini selves, regarding and living them as our whole selves. How false, ‘made up’ and so full of expectancy and expectation – completely agree with what you say about the men then feeling quite confused.. and leaving. Deep down it is naturalness, and being who we are, identified only by the love we have for ourselves in which to inspire a potential partner.
Gosh! That is so true, Zofia and Rosie. “When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal” That’s huge and the fact that our ideals and beliefs are so entrenched we make them moulds of our mini me’s; so much so that we stop distinguishing what is true and not true. I agree with you also Zofia when you say, “Deep down it is naturalness, and being who we are, identified only by the love we have for ourselves in which to inspire a potential partner.”
It occurs to me that one of the most important people to have this open, honest and uncondtional relationship with is myself
Beautiful Kathie, to have an open, honest and unconditional relationship with yourself. I feel more and more the humbleness in realizing that I am forever learning when it comes to relationships and the importance to deeply honor what I feel and give expression to this.
Yes Mariette, we all feel so much in relationships but hold back from expressing it or we wait for the other to express and then we feel safe to express, an old habit of mine. It is so liberating when we ‘deeply honor’ our bodies and then express what is there to express.
Learning to feel from my essence rather than letting those ‘old head/pictures’ dictate how to behave in a relationship are my work in progress.
Thanks Rosie for your words, it “requires honesty and awareness unravelling the true you and what is not you”.
I have loads of beliefs, expectations and ideals about relationships and what I notice is that all these beliefs and expectations are in the way of building a true relationship that starts with becoming true friends and to truly connect. I have this tendency of wanting to know where the relationship is going to, what I can expect, how it will be and there is a neediness there. Another clear pattern I have become aware of is how we as women give our power away to men, This can be very subtle but still, it happens. It feels so beautiful and loving to start a relationship where we take out everything that is not love so there is room for true love. This means letting go of what is not true and welcoming all that is true.
I can relate to what you wrote Mariette, the tendency of wanting to know where the relationship is going to, what I can expect, how it will be and there is a neediness there…. and for me there is a fear so I want to control it all, and not allow it to unfold.
You raise an important point Mariette, whilst letting go of what is not true there needs to be a constant appreciation and acceptance and feeling of how I am living from the true sense of myself as a woman.
Appreciation and acceptance – thats the way to go.
“Now my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationship.” Me too Rosie thank you! I also am dedicated to unraveling that what is not me so that my relationships grow with the real me!
Yes Libby, I can so relate and I do this with women too. I dare not show my strength as they may get jealous so I play it small…. but this is now a work in progress.. not to use the dimmer switch no matter how others may react.
Sometimes I find myself believing in an image or an idea of what I should be like as woman in a relationship, and it is only after this has been exposed for the falsity that it is that I am then able to really feel just how crushing that image was to begin with , and how much of a denial of myself as the person I am was being allowed by me in first place.
Great Shami, but we have to be so honest to get to this awareness.
Rosie I can totally relate to what you are saying here. Men have been attracted to me for many reasons and once I realise they are interested in a relationship with me, I make myself smaller in the hope they won’t be threatened by my strength. How crazy is that? I end up not being what they were attracted to in the first place!
Great point Libby, why do we give our power and strength away?
Hilarious. Two peas in a very huge pod, I’m sure! It always comes back to that solid, consistent, foundation of knowing and being all that we are in each and every moment. Anything less destroys us and all that is around us.
Anything which takes away from knowing and expressing our true beautiful selves has to be called out – as you have done so wonderfully here Rosie. Couples come into relationships with so many untold roles running them – wouldn’t it be great if at the beginning of our relationships we could expose them – these unconscious expectations. It would be so empowering to expose if it is felt if someone is expected to raise the children, someone is expected to bring in the majority of the income, someone is expected to keep the house tidy etc. It would eradicate tension and disappointment. A true partnership feels to be nurturing our true expressions and the rest would just flow.
Imagine if this type of conversation was part of the marriage vows – I’m so going to have this conversation with my partner right now! Thanks Rosie.
So true Gina, if we were upfront and honest, we would eradicate tension and disappointment.
Rosie, thank you for sharing this with us. I think you do yourself an extreme disservice when you assume that all these images come anywhere near the extraordinary person that you Actually are. The Real You is worth so much more than some fabricated advertising agency image of perfection, designed to appeal and be aspirational to certain social classes,
loaded with visual clues of ‘must haves and must dos’. When I find that I don’t fit in with any of the accepted images for men of my age, I don’t feel despondent, I rejoice! We are all unique and if you want to attract a partner, it is going to be some quality that you possess as part of your You-ness, that appeals to them. Not a contrived and false image that is going to be impossibly hard to sustain anyway. Be your wonderful self and all will be well!
Thank you Jonathan, it has been a huge disservice, and this blog was a bit of an open expose. What it shows me though through all the comments, is that this is a regular thing that affects so many women.
Its as if we have all tuned into the wrong tv channel and have these crazy pictures in our heads… and in that, like you say, we are missing and not celebrating the extraordinary person that we are.
Rosie, I found myself reflecting on all the ways I have allowed myself to change to fit what I thought was needed as part of the role I was going into – ouch! As expected, this rarely went well and I was left feeling empty, disappointed and scared. It has been wonderful to come to understand that there is magic in just being me. Thank you!
Lately I have become aware how, very subtle, I still do things for men and not for myself. For instance buying something to wear in bed, do I buy this for me or do I buy this for a potential partner? What picture do I have if I buy it for a man, it means that I feel I have to look a certain way in bed, giving this sexy impression. So the funny thing is, I did not buy anything and I have been wearing my very lovely pink pyjamas and white top and I felt amazing. You know why? Because I felt like me, not trying to be anything.
Thanks Mariette, and I bet you felt super sexy in your pyjamas not because of what you looked like, but because you felt amazing. So the sexyness does not come from the outside, but from the beautiful woman being herself and radiating that outwards.
Writing this just made me think of the top model with a great body, with the designer clothes, but if she is not feeling it from the inside, loving the skin she is in or the way she lives, you just don’t get that same reflection of sexyness from her.
It’s true Mariette that one can expend so much energy and time on not being oneself and all for what? Also on the subject of what is actually sexy, it’s so subjective isn’t it? I personally find that when one glances in the window of those high street so-called erotic clothes shops, their displays are rather cliche-ridden and dated. Also, they are an instant turn-off, if you don’t happen to like PVC!
Thanks Jonathan, you just had me laughing….. do many people actually like PVC or what? Your comment made me wonder….do they or do they just go along with it…. pretending they do, because apparently it is sexy and others like it too… but never really stopping to check in with themselves and choose for themselves. I am guilty of doing this, but am getting more and more aware and not following the crowd so much these days, or feeling worried about doing something different and standing out.
Yes Kehinda, it must be hard for the men that can feel the charade we can put on and then not know how to be themselves in the relationship. If we are our true loving and amazing selves, that paves the way for true love to follow.
Thanks Rosie. I’ve noticed that these things we do to impress another from the ideals we have stored in our head is simply a lack of self care and self nurturing. When we make that extra effort to look good or wear certain clothes, is it to impress ‘out there’ or is it our own level of self love and appreciation.
Good point Matthew, I think it must be the latter.
Good point Matthew, in the past I dressed to impress out there, and these days I dress to celebrate and express me. I wanted and needed confirmation from others.
That is no longer the case for me now, sure I do love a compliment, but I don’t need one to make me feel good, becauseI already feel good.
Another thing is I recently discovered how I dressed down at times, to avoid jealousy. So I may have felt awesome, but dressed in a way that did not express how I felt so as to not stand out and feel the tension of someone comparing to me.
I also find though that even though my self care and self nurturing has gone in leaps and bounds, I still have a lot of old patterns. I think they may have gone and then I’m presented with a new situation and I discover I still have this pattern of doing something that is not me. But I can appreciate my awareness. I may still do it, but with growing awareness and honesty, I know I can shift these old patterns one by one.
Awareness and honesty are the key to any shift or change!
You have shared so well how we as women can change and adjust to fit pictures in our head, especially when a potential partner appears. And as you say men must feel that what is presented is not the ‘true person’ but a woman pretending and trying to please.
Yes, in the past I often noticed how we as women could change when a man came in sight that we liked. Suddenly the friendship between women was not so important anymore. Jealousy and comparison kicked in and many nasty things would happen, because of the neediness and the low self esteem.
So what do men see if we have that kind of behaviour?
This is a very interesting situation Simone because if you consider the inverse, whereby the man barely registers on the women’s radar, then he might feel, if he is particularly sensitive, that he is somehow not quite worthy of their attention. I’m sure the situation arises with both sexes, in varying degrees of subtlety. For example, it seems rather unlikely that a group of men are going to be transformed into brawling cavemen in a feeding-frenzy of lust, simply because of an amicable encounter with a woman.
On the other hand, the conversation might undergo a subtle transformation whereby the subject might become something a little more female-friendly. What may follow of course could be construed as mild competitiveness between the now rather attentive males, leaving the female with the responsibility to navigate the conversation onto more neutral ground in an act of charitable diplomacy. While all this stuff may be grist to the mill of the average novelist, in real life it can be at best rather tedious. Surely a more honest and relaxed approach is the answer, whereby encounters between the sexes don’t have to have some sort of hidden or not-so-hidden agenda. Suitable subjects for ‘neutral ground’ might include food and cookery, something which I personally feel quite passionate about!
Rosie, you have described really well how I imagine most of us live. We have pictures in our minds of how we think we should be with others, at work, as mothers, in the bedroom, everywhere in fact. How much simpler to just be ourselves everywhere.
How much simpler Alexis and how much more relaxed!
Rosie, I so identify with what you are saying. I could physically feel myself put on another persona to cover the me that didn’t feel good enough or worthy to be loved. Now I realise the vulnerability of being me is more loveable than the stanger I became.
Yes, it is so lovely to be able to be with someone who is vulnerable and for me I love nothing more than to be with someone who is being brutally honest. I find it so hard to be around someone who is pretending to be happy or great when you can clearly see and feel that that is not the case.
Wow, Martin, no further confirmation needed – you write with such tenderness, understanding and clarity. Thank you.
A revisit to this article has inspired me once more. With such precision and openness you have exposed so much of what I live and have lived for so long. Lots of the false ideals around being a woman in relationships has fallen away quite naturally as I have become more aware. But there are many quiet and secret little things that I still let hold me hostage – as in away from my true self. I catch myself doing something because someone is coming round or will see and the falseness of this feels really shocking. Moving forward I allow that awareness, whilst working on silencing the judgement and critique so I can go beyond self-bashing and let go of the chains I still let bind. Thank you, Rosie.
Thank you Matilda, I have enjoyed reading your comments and appreciate your contribution to this conversation we are all having here. I know that self judgement and critique so well and it’s great to be reminded about it and to bring more awareness to it so that we can let that go and as you say, let go of the chains that still bind.
Living up to the pictures we have had creates this constant tension and unease – as you say Rosie making everything picture perfect means leaving who you naturally are. How many of us have found ourselves somewhere else in our life because we did not stay true to ourselves & how we feel?
Most poeple will put their hand up and say yes to that question Lee.
Toni, thank you for writing this – I too thought men only wanted women for sex, or to cook and clean and generally care for the home. As I became more self loving, I began to feel that something wasn’t quite right about that and lost interest in the sex. I became very judgemental and distant, which didn’t feel great either, and, not surprisingly, it put a strain on the relationship, and eventually we separated. Now divorced and single, although I’d like to be in a relationship, I am nervous around building a new relationship with a man. I have tried the internet dating scene, but whenever I’ve met anybody, my own mental processes have got in the way of being truly open, and the relationship has only lasted a few dates. I find it inspiring to see how many couples are turning their lives around, staying together and ‘working things out’. To me the key is self appreciation and that’s what I’m focusing on, so that I don’t approach a new relationship from need or expectations (Ideals and beliefs), but with appreciation for both myself and for him, whatever he brings.
Beautiful sharing Rosie. The pictures in our mind that we have taken on of how we should be (be it a woman or man), thinking it will bring us a certain fulfillment, never delivers what we are truly searching for. I have tried to live many of these pictures, in relationships and in life, and have found that even though I had achieved the desired result I still remained with an emptiness inside. I have learned that in connecting to my essence, honoring who I am and letting my heart lead my way that I actually have no need for these pictures or beliefs as they only serve to keep me distanced from what I truly feel and who I truly am. I have begun to let go of these pictures and the more I do the more I discover how joyful it is to live all of me in ‘real life’.
Very true Ariana, and when we take the time to bring out the beauty from the inside, we shine brighter than anything we could do from the outside.
Yes Gill, it’s interesting the different scenarios that unravel yet another picture we are holding of how we need to be in a situation. Thankfully our bodies never stop telling us what is and isn’t love/true and with some tender self love and understanding, we can guide ourselves through it back to our most natural and gorgeous selves.
Thank you Rosie, there is so much to re learn that is true and so much discard that is not. By starting to be honest about the ideals and pictures we hold is such a great start to living our truer selves that which is naturally loving and joyful. Thank you for sharing.
Rosie, I know a lot of these pictures you write about, about how I ‘should look as a woman’, I can relate to ‘As a woman I should look a certain way, either sexy or feminine, for a man to like me and want to be in a relationship with me.’ In the past, if I was going on date with a man I would dress up to please him and look sexy for him, rather than wear what I felt to wear for me. That has changed now and I now dress for me which is so much more fun and feels much more true.
Very insightful and revealing article Rosie. Men of course also have pictures and false ideals in their head so when a man and woman come together they often project and relate from the ideal or picture rather than from their real and true self. Things ‘appear’ to be going well until one of them can no longer keep holding and living the false picture and things start falling apart… But of course that’s a blessing because all that is falling apart is the falsity and hence the potential for the true man and women to re-emerge and rebuild the relationship from their true essence… an essence which has a beauty far and beyond any picture or ideal.
Yes Rob, but wouldn’t it be great to start with the honesty and not have to unravel the pictures or the falsness.
I love this Robert. The blessing of letting the falseness fall away. The joy of deconstruction because of the then potential for rebuilding. I remember in my early relationships this constant sense of anxiousness because I knew it was just a matter of time until someone found out I wasn’t the facade I was presenting. What I know now is that behind the facade was the real gold.
Rosie, I can totally relate to what you have written. Trying to fit the picture of perfection we have in our mind that others are expecting from us is a total reject of our own natural selves and sets us up for dis-ease. But it is a stubborn, sneaky perception that is taking some time for me to unravel. Thank you for sharing your experiences with this side of life.
“Getting Real ” has a whole different meaning when we look deeply at what we assume to be us but is just a picture of someone else that we self impose…. A bit like we photoshop our own picture.
Thanks Rosie for a very open discussion on something we are all unravelling. Trying to be who we are not only keeps us apart, truthfulness allows an opportunity for true connection.
Thanks Tim, and we just miss out on really meeting and getting to know each other when we are not truthful.
“The tricky part is that when I get caught in the trying to be the ‘picture’, in trying to look sexy, to have the house picture perfect clean and to make the perfect dinner, to have the perfect relationship, I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.” This also made me realise how much pressure I put on myself and others, and it hurts, by trying to be perfect, in my job, my work, my life and what I do, I had not realised the extent of which I had allowed this belief and how damaging both mentally and physically it is. Having a belief in perfection ( which I can feel is such a cunning game) leaves you feeling physically exhausted, anxious, stressed and tired as you are always chasing something that is not real, and thinking what you are or do is not good enough. This is so far from the truth. We definitely need to out the ‘perfection’ game.
This is true Gyl. Not being who we are in any situation is draining for us and exhausting. Putting on these “images” of ourselves requires LOTS of energy!
When I ‘out the perfection game’ and commit to making choices from the real me, there is such sweetness and simplicity in how I go about my day.
Dear Rosie, there is so much I love about this blog, when I first read it I felt I don’t have any of these picture, then to my surprise, and a great one at that, as soon as I read “I have just realised that I have all these pictures, ideals and beliefs in my head about women in relationships and on how a woman should be in a relationship.” I could feel this is actually true for me. Great learning and opportunity to start to let go of all these ideals and beliefs. I can already feel how freeing this will be, and also the pressure I put on everyone else by having these in the first place. Not just men, but other woman and young girls growing up.
I love your honesty here Gyl, I too have been surprised with how many pictures I have!
On another note about relationships….
I had always thought that living with a flat mate, they would just be that. Separate and they would do their thing, and I would do mine. That is the picture I had… Now I am having a totally different experience and relationship, one like never before. I share a house with another woman and her child, but we are like a family. We care for each other, share with each other and there is so much love and appreciation for each other. It is great, because for me, it is as if I have broken that “picture” of how I thought I would have to be in relationship that is non sexual and “just a flat mate”.
And from this, we are both learning and healing past hurts from other relationships where this never happened, but I am saying this without blame, only just taking my responsibility for the part I played, where I was afraid to, and perhaps didn’t even know that I could be this loving with another person who was not officially my partner or a close family member.
Thank you Rosie, it has been an inspiration to read your blog, comments and to watch you grow as a preciously divine women!
This is a beautiful additional note. Embracing the fact that every interaction with another person is a relationship, as important, as revelatory and as precious as any other.
Yes, and how much love do we miss out on, if we keep “love” and “intimacy” for only “one” person, instead of being loving and enjoying every relationship we have.
Rosie, that’s beautiful, that you ‘didn’t even know that you could be this loving with another person who was not officially my partner or a close family member.’ We can learn so much from every relationship and to play no distinction between family, partners and friends and have the same love and expression for all is something that goes against the norm.
It sure does go against the norm Rachael. I realised the other day how much I loved my friends husband and then a thought went through my head telling me that I couldn’t love him, because of the fact that he is my friends husband. This thought is what I have been brought up with, that that is a NO go zone….But when I felt into it, my feeling is that it is okay to love him, and to not treat him any different because he is married.
This love that I am talking about has nothing sexual in it but still I find it tricky as it feels like it has been drilled into me that it is not okay. Why would it not be okay to love everyone. Why would we only want to keep love to just a few select people. I am curious as to how others feel about this.
I so agree Rosie. Martin, your sharing is truly beautiful and every word resonates within the body as an absolute truth and a gift for all women to know and feel.
Martin, thank you for being a beautiful tender man who does not hold back from expressing how you feel. I feel it in your comment and my whole body feels the love in what you share.
Rosie, it is indeed amazing how many pictures and ideals we can have about being in relationships as women. I love exposing more and more as I go along! And I love your point about how confusing this must get for men – seeing us switch from ‘natural’ us to ‘picture’ us for whatever reason we have concocted or adapted to. It’s great we have the opportunity to express about this, and really get it out there so we can start to have true relationships – how awesome that will be!
Hi Amelia,
I just read your comment, and then realised that I even have a picture of what “a true relationship” would have to look like and I just have to laugh… because it just goes to show just another picture.. rather than just an allowing of what is there to unfold.
A woman in a relationship – as you suggest what roles do we often take on concerning this and other ideals and beliefs in society? The only way many of us conceptualise what being in a ‘relationship’ means is through our parents and siblings and early years experiences with no real support concerning what being in ‘a relationship actually means, How supportive would it be to consider, the roles in society that we often feel a pressure to conform to and talk through this as it comes for our children and also ourselves.
I love what you say here Samantha ‘to talk through this as it comes’. So often we can put pressure on ourselves to get it right or be perfect (I know I do), but what both you and Rosie are describing is to meet whatever comes, to talk through and deal with any difficulties as they arrive – without the pressure of being picture perfect.
It has been helpful to read this blog and get a clear feeling on the impositions on a woman, and how they are somewhat different to the roles and customs taken on, than for a man. There seems to be an emphasis on pleasing the man or accommodating him and while that is true for men in relation to women as well, the feeling is it is a different core programming that we each receive when young and we grow up with. I appreciated getting a feel of it without going too much into analysing it, which just helps me to be explore it more around women and feel it is not who they truly are, so not to take it personally.
Yes, please don’t take it personally. It is great having all of these comments so we can all openly learn and understand each other better.
The simple truth is, our bodies love to express, its our most natural way.
Rosie I too have held many pictures of what it means to be a woman. I have also been slowly letting these go which has been a very freeing process. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Me too Sharon. The judgement of myself over not fitting in with others who chose their beliefs and ideals was often thrown at me. I knew deep down that this didn’t feel right for me but never claimed this until I realised I was the one who could make the changes and I began to give myself permission to do so.
It’s not just women who have pictures on how it is, we are trying to be. As a man I too have struggled to live up to, or maintain the ideals and beliefs of what I am suppose to be bringing to all relationships.
With the assistance of Serge Benhayon and my own willingness, I am slowly returning to the true me that has always been there waiting to be lived lovingly.
Rosie, your statement “The other choice that I consider in that moment is to give up completely because it’s like I will never be able to reach the impossible standards I have set for myself as a woman – and I have only set the standards because of the pictures in my head.” shows me it is so clear how we set ourselves up to fail, whereas if we trusted ourselves and let go of any ideals of how we should be as women, then we would know from that inner part of us that DOES know we are a beautiful woman, and there would be no face lifting or implants, no reliance on being in fashion or having to behave a certain way, just living naturally and tenderly ourselves. For trying to be like another and fulfill a role model makes us hard, and if we are hard and then we are defensive, and so starts the comparison and all the labels like “women are bitchy” that being a true woman is certainly not.
It is great when we start to expose the what is not, and have more clarity.
Reading this again Rosie I remember how, until recently, I put pressure on myself in relationships to always be what I thought the other person wanted me to be. I was like an amoeba, constantly changing shape just to fit into the picture I thought was expected of me. It was exhausting and goodness knows what it was doing to my body. Beginning to let the picture go has allowed more of me to naturally come out and my relationships are now much more honest, real, loving and heaps more fun too.
Thanks Jane, the amoeba makes me think of a chameleon who changes their colour to fit in.
I love this line Rosie: “…to have the perfect relationship, I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not.” It just feels so lovely to recognise that we are so much more awesome when we are just ourselves and that there is no need to have a perfect relationship then.
If I put too much pressure on myself to achieve a result, this choice to push myself can often swing to wanting to give up. By doing either extreme I lose myself and my natural joy and harmony become covered. Now I realize that this is just a pattern that I have copied and it is not me, but I still need to stay vigilant so I can make a conscious choice not to indulge in this behaviour. Thanks to Serge Benhayon I now have the tools ‘to unravel the what is not me’.
Rosie thank you – this is gorgeous. I can completely relate to “getting caught in trying to be the picture”, rather than simply being me, which just so happens to be WAY more comfortable than fitting into any picture of what I “think” that should look like. Being me, without screen, or filter allows for anyone I am in relationship with, be it friend, more than friend, or someone I’m meeting for the first time, the space for them too to be them selves with me so we both get to be in the joy of love together.
As I was reading this I expereince exactly what you have shared Rosie when we leave that awareness of ourselves and our bodies to entertain thoughts of doing something. In this instance it was hearing someone being brash and abrasive while making a cup of tea in the staff room. My mind instantly went into ways of engaging in conversation so that I could ‘help’ them. But my body felt an acnxiousness I had not felt prior to their arrival. I appreicate being inspired by Universal Medicine to keep coming back to how I feel to guide and know who I am over what I think I should do to be. Re-focusing on how I then sat and moved my body and continuing to read this blog helped show me how quick that switch of me/not me can be.
Beautiful Leigh, I can relate to that switch, It can happen in a split second and I am gone, into my mind, thinking indeed of what I should do or be. It is a constant practice, every day. There is no holiday time..
Yes daily practice of conscious presence – thank God for the gentle breath meditation to help us re-connect when ‘drifting’ …
Such a great blog Rosie and one that I will re-visit as there is so much in it to be reminded of. All the pictures we take on that are not ours but we believe they are once we start to look outside ourselves for recognition and acceptance. Your words here resound deeply within me, “At some point in my life, probably when I was very young, I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.” I can so relate to this Rosie.
Wow, so many comments in response to this blog. It is truly a marker for the content written here and how much people are resonating with all that you write Rosie. You use such great examples and language in your blog which I find so easy to relate to. Thank you for sharing all that you are through this blog.
Rosie your comment really gives me the impression that there are a lot of different roles and rules and dictations out there for women to abide by in order to be seen as a good woman. It is ridiculous that this is the case and it is ridiculous that women fall for these patterns and ways of thinking. As you shared so beautifully it is really all about just being the love that we are and emanating that out for all others to see.
I love your blogs Rosie. They are always so down to earth and practical.
When you present relationships like this it makes so much sense. How can we ever have an honest and intimate relationship when women and men are trying to be something they think they should be rather than who they truly are.
I recently went on a date with a man, I had not been on one for a significant amount of time. It was so liberating to just be me and enjoy myself and not have an image of how it should look.
Rosie what you have raised here in your blog is so very true. Reflecting on this for myself, I can feel that I go into my pictures of how I should be based on that I don’t feel enough. As I connect more with just being me and staying with that feeling of being with me around men, cutting any potential pictures or stories that arise in my mind, I am finding those pictures are starting to drop away more and more, which leaves me being present to just be with that person, whoever I am with. I have also realised that there is some attachment to the pictures, in that in the current moment, they are giving me something, that something being they are taking me away from just being with me. As I value my own connection more, it is becoming easier to discard those pictures as I see the falsity in that they are not really giving me anything, simply a picture which is not real and often cause suffering.
Donna, I recognise the attachment to those pictures you speak of. Those pictures come framed from the ideals and beliefs I bought into as a child… from what it meant to be a woman and what it meant to be a woman in a relationship. I have also found that building and strengthening the connection to myself, the picture, the ideals and beliefs are fading.
I wonder if many of the pictures we have of how a woman should be are significantly coloured by our past relationships. If we have been a “failed” relationship I feel that often as woman we blame ourselves in a variety of ways and this affects our self worth thus creating the pictures of perfection that we may develop. Great blog Rosie and for me is worth pondering on a little more.
Thanks Sandra, a beautiful and simple message… ‘The pain was just giving me the gentle reminder that I needed to stop, reflect and consider that what I do to myself matters.’ This is so true, and the benefits so significant when we do.
The more I have an intimate and loving relationship with myself the more I can be myself in any relationship. This is work in progress but as Jane said we all get to feel how gorgeous we all are from the inside out instead of what we have been doing living from outside in.
Ooo this is a great blog, and judging by the hundreds of comments one that many of us relate to. I am still discovering new pictures I set for myself and getting rid of some I thought I had already ditched. I’m often demanding my partner make the picture what I want it to be and luckily but sometimes frustratingly he absolutely refuses to play ball with that. He feels the need coming from me very easily and doesn’t like that pressure. It’s so important to look at these pictures and how they effect our relationships.
How powerful we are and can be as women, if we let go of all these limiting behaviours.
Steffi I like what you wrote but like to take it a bit further… and see how powerful we are and can be because we are powerful no matter what mask or picture we are putting on, and we are so powerful, even to the extent that we play it down, with the limiting behaviours that are self inflicted. I do know some women who live without any mask, pictures or false versions of themselves and their power and beauty is so awesome to feel. You cannot walk into a room and not feel them. Natalie Benhayon to me is such an inspiring role model for this.
Amazing blog and reading all the lovely comments I can feel the joy of us feeling we can let go our masks and drop all the ‘trying to fit in’ and do the ‘right’ thing. And when we do that we get to feel how gorgeous we all are from the inside out.
Its great to read everyone’s comments about your insightful blog Rosie. Ideals about how we think we should be is such a massive topic to unravel. The key word that keeps popping up for me is ‘exhaustion.’ The energy it takes to try and conform and make myself into this picture of what I think I should be like as a mother, partner, friend, work colleague just wore me out. Luckily I am slowly identifying some false pictures I have held about myself and its liberating to finally feel that its ok to just be me.
Yes exhausting tiring work to keep up the false facade!
I have often noticed how I, (what actually feels like) step outside myself at times, in the presence of a man I like, then I stop as say, woaw what happened there, that wasn’t me, what is it / what did I change? It has become very very clear and something to work with and be aware of. It’s almost as you say Rosie I step into trying to please or think I have to be a certain way to be loved, even my voice changes at times. When really I just have to be me.
Gyl, I can relate to what you say…to think I have to be a certain way to be loved, to please another. For me it came from a craving to be loved because I was seeking the love from outside of myself. By building the love for myself, the need for another to demonstrate love to me lessens. Being me then becomes so much easier.
I too have loved the process of letting go of all the “must’s and should’s”, and how absolutely freeing that has been. It has given me permission to truly be myself, and I am learning that being myself is actually so very simple – it is me that has made it complicated.
“You see, when there was no potential relationship with a man, I was just being me… no one to impress, no neediness or anything, but as soon as I had a potential, these pictures started popping up all over the place.” – I can relate to this Rosie, I was asked out recently and all these ideas popped up about how I should be and what the relationship would look like.
Let us do away with all those negative words. SHOULD, COULD, IF ONLY, CANNOT.
Ladies just be you and know how awesome you all are from the inside out.
I love this blog Rosie. The more I claim that I am an amazing woman who is in a loving relationship with ME nothing else matters.
This is a beautiful blog Rosie – “Now my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationship.” – I love it
Thanks for this lovely blog Rosie.
If I let the crisis of confidence enter my body, at any stage, in any relationship , with anyone, it is certain to be all downhill from there on.!!
I know who I am and that is all I have to be. As Elizabeth says, the other false way is very damaging to all of us, women and men alike.
There are so many key point you make here Rosie, that I feel not only relate to being in a relationship, but how we might approach life in general. (I know I have and still do at times), with all the ‘should’ be’s, trying to live up to unreal pictures in my head that I have created, be it as work, as a woman, as a student, in relationship, as a friend, daughter etc you name there is potentially the should be there. I wonder where do all these pictures come from and why do we feel we have to live up to them? And you are right in saying “This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.” it feels awful in my body, that constant angst and unsettledness, as to when I am with myself there is contentedness, simplicity and ease.
Thank you all for your great contributions. I am really enjoying the feedback from the men on this topic too. Love all the honesty and exposing.. Let’s keep unravelling!
Thanks Doug, I had to giggle reading this as I just imagined a comic of the whole false interactions and the man and woman running off in different directions!
I loved your blog Rosie it really exposes how we create these pictures in our head of how we think we should be as a woman. I often wondered why I could have a great time with someone one day and then when I meet them again it felt strained and complicated. If I am not being me all the time then how will the other person know which is the real me.
Yes Alison, and if the other person is not being who I want or expect them to be, then how often do I then change to be different than who I am to get what I want… to play the game, and to even manipulate. Ouuch!
I have come to know that the false pictures/images that we hold of ourselves as women are very damaging, both to us and to all of society.
This is a great article. I feel like I am only just scratching the surface of the amount of expectations I have of myself, which I am discovering have been very imprisoning.
And it seems that as we let go of one, we discover others..
So true Rosie without an honesty and recognition of where I am at and what ideals and beliefs I am working from I am forever stuck up that river in Egypt, DE-NILE.
Rosie, I love your candid honesty with which you write.. I have witnessed many women in my life, ok nearly all including myself playing this game of, ‘ I don’t feel I am enough so I will try my hardest to be everything I think you want me to be’. All the while becoming anxious and exhausted in the process. These pictures are so insideous I was hardly aware of them! Now I know differently and am working on letting go of what has been keeping me from feeling how awesome I really am!
And we are so awesome!
Thank you for sharing Rosie, as a man I too fell in the trap of trying to be someone for a partner as soon as I felt any potential of a relationship. I would change and try to become what I ‘thought’ the other person wanted me to be rather than being myself so then when it would not work or I would get rejected I was being rejected for not being myself and so was not actually being rejected even though at the time I thought I was! This changed when I started to fully see the potential with my fiancee as I made the commitment to be love/me no matter what and guess what I was not rejected! Proof that by staying with ourselves and love everything else gets taken care of!
Inspirational James, thanks for sharing.
James that is so confirming and of course you weren’t rejected for being you… But we doubt ourselves so much that the thought that we could be enough seems not possible. Inspiring James.
How much simpler and better the world would be if we could all just be ourselves in all situations, from relationships to job interviews. I have always struggled with staying with myself in some situations due to the dreaded shyness or feeling inferior and it is something I have had to work at over time.
I know that one too Kevin. all stemming from the fact that we don’t think that we are enough. The other flip side to that is I was always trying to prove myself in what ever I did. Depending on the situation I would go into one of them and not be comfortable and content with myself.
I wonder if part of this is because we often don’t stop to appreciate ourselves and we seem to know all of our bad traits and could write a book with those, but our gifts, our talents and what we naturally do best is not celebrated enough…. therefore we go into proving. I feel that this has been my experience and the more I do stop and give attention to my strengths, rather than my weaknesses, the more amazing I realise I am….. its just that I may not have stopped (ever) to consider them in the past.
As ever honest, Rosie, and I applaud your willingness to feel when you are not being you in your relationship. It is easier to be ourselves when we are on our own, hanging out with friends and even (?) sometimes family, but when we go into a ‘relationship’, the ‘me’ turns into this weird ‘trying to be’ super something or other, that has no place in reality, and is truly exhausting. Thank you, Rosie
A corageous and honest blog Rosie, you are no doubt speaking on behalf of a lot of women. For me personally the deeper understanding that I am already enough no matter what or when, is a constant unfolding process and learning.
I agree Eva, truly coming to the understanding, feeling and knowing that I am everything that I need to be is where it has become a game changer. This has most definitely been down to my commitment to my relationship with my self and forever deepening this.
Thank you Rosie for such an honest sharing about the ideal picture we can have, as this so easily sets us up for disappointment in any relationships. And then it is easy to wonder why things aren’t going the way we would have liked or that there is an undercurrent of tension of something not being right. All along, we have had a hand in creating this!. Self love certainly is the starting point of deconstructing these ideals and beliefs around relationships. It is the relationship we have with ourselves that impacts on the relationships we have with other people.
It’s amazing how we, as women, can lose ourselves in a relationship (and men can too!)… I know I have done this repeatedly in the past, and still need to watch this now, it is definitely a work in progress and yes, requires much honesty – the thing is though… the real me is actually infinitely better than that ‘picture’ I might try to portray! So, it is always better just to be me, because I am already awesome! Thanks for sharing Rosie, it is a great blog to come back to and remind myself of this.
Getting rid of ideals and beliefs in our lives ,our relationships and with ourselves and simply accepting ourself lovingly is so freeing and beautiful to be and live from here . Thank you Rosie for such a real honest and true sharing I really love it .
It was once brought to my attention how subtle and ubiquitous those games between men and women can be, so that in many situations I had not noticed them before. I was in a wild, off-the-beaten-track part of India when I met a group of international travellers from Paris, Quebec, Copenhagen, Mexico City and Madrid – a great cross section of cultures, a big range in ages, and both genders. I spent 8 days with them and we had many wonderful conversations around campfires and at meals. It was the first time in my life I had felt myself and everyone else being seen and treated as equal human beings in a group. What struck me was the apparent absence of gender game stuff going on. This made me suddenly very aware of what I had been overlooking or taking for granted as ‘normal’ at home for many years – and I had a big cringe response! I became very sensitive to gender game stuff after that, and realized it was everywhere. So I never forgot that experience in India, it was so unusual and striking. And now 18 years later, I can experience that equality again in a large group of people here in Australia, who are learning to be humans first, to be all the woman and all the man they are equally, without the need for gender games. Awesome!
I can relate to that Dianne, it feels so natural to be with people instead of ‘men and women’.
What an awesome reflection you had in India Dianne. It really is exceptional to start to live in a way that no matter what your sex, it is about connecting to the person as an equal, this is something that I have thoroughly enjoyed bringing into my life and the relationships are so much more deeper and real.
Great sharing Dianne – and I so relate to this : – “… learning to be humans first, to be all the woman and all the man they are equally, without the need for gender games. Awesome!” That is the key and then true connections can be made.
Yes, and the more you are honest, there seems to be more and more… and some may seem just like little ones.. and quite harmless… but really, no matter how small or big, these pictures just take us away from being who we naturally are.
Awesome blog Rosie, very honest, open and inspiring. What you have shared inspires honesty and awareness in how we relate to each other in relationships. I love reading about how you have come to recognise what you have created and are now choosing to discard those false pictures of who you should be. Letting go of these expectations are huge and I love your commitment and honesty Rosie.
My feeling is that these expectations and beliefs on how one needs to be first and then in a relationship is far more insidious than many of us would like to admit.
Yes they sure are… And there are many… Not just a few!
This is so true Mick, and that goes for every relationship in our lives, it being family, friends, partners (and most definitely the potential partner) or anyone. How often do we completely let our guards down and just be ourselves?
I agree Mick and Eva – “How often do we completely let our guards down and just be ourselves?”. A great question to ponder on.
I think I need to just keep on practising letting my guards down.. and taking off my armour.. no more need for protection!
And nominating, nominating, nominating, expressing, expressing, That is what helps me to let down the guards and get the unease out of my body. And to see that the other person can also relax more, invites me to keep up the good work…….
Thanks Rosie, you have outlined what is clearly a universal phenomenon… I can personally relate to all of what you’ve expressed. It’s a crazy game really, we put on a front to present what we think is wanted, and the other person/potential partner has their picture of what they think they want too. When we manage to match those pictures up we call it a perfect match! No wonder the divorce rate is 4/5 marriages… nobody is falling in love with anything true!
A great comment to a great article. You have touched on something really huge here for if we are not taking the truth of who we are into a relationship but basing the whole interaction on ‘shoulds’ and ‘roles’ of how we ‘think’ we ought to be then as you say Jenny, no wonder the divorce rate is so high as eventually we resent the role we have stepped into and cannot sustain that way of life and so it all breaks down. A previous comment offered along the lines of learning to express who we truly are would be a great inclusion on the school curriculum, this gets my vote, a huge support for humanity and relationships everywhere.
“it must feel kind of strange meeting a woman and seeing her as herself but then the next time that you see her she is anxious and putting on a show.” This is quite hilarious because we know (as you spotted Rosie) that this is strange behaviour yet one that we can so easily slip into when we have all kinds of tick boxes in our heads that we need to check… to make sure we ‘come up to expectations’!
Yeah – these ‘expectations’ – true ‘thought-monsters’ indeed!
I like that… “thought monsters”…. I will remember that and laugh next time one tries to take over!
I reckon both men and women play this game of switching between being themselves and then suddenly feeling this isn’t enough and trying to put on a role or a show and then switching back again. Basically it is an inconsistency and it breeds mistrust and guardedness as you are not sure what is going to happen next or who you are going to wake up next to! No wonder then that we all find it difficult to open up in relationships!
Yes Andrew, I agree and the mistrust is a killer!
Your article has made me look at my own pictures of myself as a woman and in my relationships. The games we play with ourselves, taking us away from our true self is crazy. Men play these games too and together we can often become hooked into playing these games for a whole lifetime, when all along all we truly want, men and women, is to just let go of these pictures and be ourselves. How wonderfully refreshing a relationship would be if these pictures were dropped and our true self allowed to be. Since discovering Universal Medicine I have learned that the picture I have presented to the world is not the true me and with this realisation I can choose to drop the pictures and claim what is true. Thank you Rosie.
What I have also realised is how I step outside myself around men I am attracted to and it is so clear to feel and see, I am standing there feeling this is clearly not me. It’s great to observe as I know I have something there to work on… what is it about me that gets distracted or excited or needs something back.
It’s certainly a crazy thing Gyl, that I too get self-conscious and then try to be someone I am not as if I am not more than enough exactly how I am!
This is a great blog Rosie and a topic that needs to be discussed, as there are so many ‘roles’ and ‘pictures’ we think we have to take on as a woman, the media has certainly not helped to stop these beliefs but only fuelled them more. So it is great that women are starting to speak up about what it feels like to be a true woman first, to be themselves rather than these images we create or are fed. It makes life so much more simple and joyful rather than feeling complicated and on edge.
Thanks Rosie, I feel it is universal for all of us male and female to try and fit into stereotypes, or society, cultural/world ideals and beliefs of what we should be like, and it is a crippling, contracting and a retarding way to go about life.
What you have written especially the quoted comment below makes so much sense, so thanks for sharing.
“At some point in my life, probably when I was very young, I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead. When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.
This article felt like breath of fresh air! You’ve just described the process of letting go what is not me with such simplicity. For me pictures makes me invested in the outcome, keeps my vision locked and not allow the abundance that is there every moment of the day. Thank you.
This is a great blog Rosie and I must mention all of the great comments on how this is the same for virtually all of us. We can present a version that we think is us, the other can feel that it is not, there may be a reaction, loving support or the choice to leave. To me, all three of these options have come into play, but if the illusion of who we think we are persists, it only continues two ways, being together in illusion or not being together.
Thanks Mark, so true what you share… it is simple, either an illusion or not.
To be a ‘good woman’, that is what it is all about – not. It feels like something ingrained in womankind from way back, passed on from mother to daughter, so as not to be ‘left on the shelf’, dread, dread. These pictures are just old-era constraints that can now be discarded, like masks cracking and falling away, exposing the real beauty within.
Yes and I would say the same goes for the men too- have to be tough and hard and bring in the money/bread etc. Definitely high time to renounce this way of being and step into our tenderness and love.
Thanks for that Karina. I feel, for me, it is also about allowing the femaleness within an equal space and expression. There is a stillness, a soft and tender Paul that I can tend to deny, because I have an ingrained belief that it is inappropriate and not acceptable to the world we live in. Yet it is this side of me that the world could really do with.
Karina and Paul, you both expose how we, or at least I can speak for myself, can get stuck in an old way, or pattern of behaviour without checking to see if that is okay for me and my way or not with how I want to live today.
Rosie i can relate to many of these pictures/ideals. I know as a child I was heavily influenced by my parents, their relationship and the arrangements they accepted between them and in turn those that they had learnt from their parents. The understanding and acceptance you have expressed here towards yourself is key – with consistent self -honouring of the woman you are – walking with these pictures becomes a way of the past.
So many habits and beliefs are tied up in what we do and how we respond to the world each day. It is true that ‘unravelling’ is the only why to free ourselves of these issues that are constraining and reducing ‘…unravelling the process to find out what is not you…” I have found that there are always more layers with this, I have found so many different ways to protect or keep me from stepping up in life. And so may the unravelling continue, yes feels challenging some times but wow does it feel true and loving to do so…Thank you for sharing with the world.
It seems that ‘just being me’, rather than trying to live up to a picture, is a more harmonious way for us to be with ourselves (as you point out, stress and anxiety arise from the latter), and also far more pleasant for other people to be around.
Rosie I remember turning myself inside out when I first met the man who became my husband. My head was full of ideals I had to adhere to. I’m slowly chipping away at this huge rock in my life and reclaiming myself and my body.
What I found was that we never can reach these ideals – as you say in your blog -, knowing this is already hurting and full of sadness.
But learning to live the true being- woman is much more inspiring for all relationships…more honest, more playful..
Well, when I read your list of false ideas of what it means to be a woman in relationship, I laughed as I could have written the same one, point for point. I really appreciate what you wrote and feel that it brought me to a deeper awareness of how I still can sometimes get caught up ‘into’ these ideas I have had about how I ‘must’ be in relationship with men.
Thanks Deborah, I am glad that it is not only me with these mad pictures on replay in my mind!
Thanks for sharing Toni, you are both an inspiration.
As I have read this article this morning I have felt the grace of ‘giving myself a break’, realising that too often as I dispense with some of the ‘rules’ about how I should be as a woman there is still ever present an arbitrary time pressure about when this should be achieved. In Rosie’s article I was able to feel the importance of being understanding and tender with myself as I navigate my way through old patterns – bringing back to life the real me.
Thank you Matilda this is a beautiful and inspiring reminder. In Rosie’s article I was able to feel the importance of being understanding and tender with myself as I navigate my way through old patterns – bringing back to life the real me …
Matilda, I love what you share here, bringing back to life the real me, as a naturally harmonious body would never accept the things that we take on as this is who I am, when in the throes of emotional turmoil and tension. When we are in full awareness and present with ourselves, nothing untrue can sway us, proving without a doubt that our one true marker of love that we all hold, never wavers.
Thank you, Rosie, for your clarity. These ideals and beliefs are all designed to keep us away from simply feeling how divine and precious we are, and make us question, doubt, judge and put pressure on ourselves to be something we are not. I love how you have debased these influences with your article.
Rosie, your list of pictures of how you imagined a woman should be or look, lets us see that these images are around the most mundane and every-day detail – like “The house should be clean and tidy or else I am not a good woman”. This means that even when the kitchen is not in its normal order or the bathroom needs cleaning and we can’t get to it ‘soon enough’, that there can be criticism of ourselves for not being good enough. Those beliefs are at play all around them when we don’t understand them for what they are.
And seeing that you can’t get to them, would then create a certain level of tension in the body that you may not even be aware of or where the tension even stems from.
I agree Rosie that these so called role models that we see on TV and in magazines have a lot to answer for in terms of selling us a picture that is far away from just being ourselves and actually unattainable. But we have all allowed this to happen so it is time we started saying ‘no’ to these role models and start asking the media to change.
Exactly, and we can’t blame them, the tv, media etc, because they too probably didn’t have, quite obviously… a true role model to show them another way. It seems to me that as a society we go on copying others without stopping to feel if that feels right for us. The blind sheep syndrome, just following the one in front.
I certainly can relate to having pictures of how the world should be, how a man should be, how a woman should be etc. I have come to see that these pictures are so boring and so unreal and nothing to do with the reality of life.
I totally agree Elizabeth that these pictures that I have latched onto are so far away from who I really am it is insane. My whole life these pictures have been running and it has been one long and exhausting race to keep up with. I love how I have been supported to see what these are and the impact that they have had on my life. Universal Medicine has loving inspired us to see that is it a possibility that all these should’s aren’t really it? To actually question where they have come from and how they were created and from whom.. All very valid and important questions.
Yes it is with many thanks to Universal Medicine that I was able to get to this point of understanding. When I first heard the concept of ideals and beliefs it didn’t really hit home for me, but when I broke it all down to simple pictures running a muck in my mind.. it became simple and easy for me to see them and the whole show they were trying to run.
I realised through reading this that I have a lot of pictures of who I should be which perhaps stop me from being me and am inspired to explore this for myself further. Thank you Rosie.
What you have shared Rosie is actually profound. It’s profound because there are 2 ways we can live, from who we truly are and from the pictures we have built, so we can be loved, accepted and whatever our need may be … But as you have shown it is a process to live more and more as who we really are by being honest about our pictures. Living from our pictures is often a tension, we know somewhere that it is not really serving us, it’s actually a disservice; it doesn’t take away some of those deeper feelings of lack of worth, or emptiness or whatever may be playing out. BUT living from who we are brings a joy, a beauty, a naturalness, a confidence and that is what we bring to all our relationships as women, and it supports us to be able to deal with the challenges that do come up in any relationship. I know which I prefer and I also am developing being more and more of me everyday.
Yes Karoline, and some key ingredients is honesty and having no shame in admitting and owning where you have taken on pictures and lived a false version of you. When you can get honest about it, you can change it. If you can’t get to the honesty of it, then you are still stuck right in it.
I love reading your blog Rosie. This time what I got out of it was that it’s ok that I have these picture’s and it just takes time and being honest when I am not being me. I am a woman and I am in relationship all the time and I can work on my relationship with men with all men that I meet in my days.
I realised one that I had been holding on to and that was the women are more superior than men. So every time I was talking with a man I was holding them less and never my equal, and then I would also show favour more to one man than another, if I was more attracted to one than the other. So now I can begin to hold men equally not more or less simply equally divine.
The false expectations and ideals and beliefs of what one should be like as a woman feel like slavery to me. Who came up with these things in the first place? When and where did we adopt looking outside for how to be?
‘unravelling the process to find out what is not you’
I love this – and I am totally inspired to do this for myself too.
I agree Rosie, I too often notice myself change around a man, or feel I have to be a certain way – ultimately I am feeding the lie that there is something wrong, the not good enough game when I do this – which is so not true. And I know for a fact that when I have been in a relationship the part men love the most is me being me. Even reading you blog I have come to realise I do this in life too, have these expectations or pictures in my head of how I should be, the good student, teacher, person … I ‘should’ be doing this and that and it is actually so damaging and harming to myself, my body, and all those around me, why – because I live a small part of who I am, in judgement of not being good enough etc – this in turn leaves me feeling tired, exhausted and stressed then this has a knock on effect. Amazing what can be revealed from all from these pictures in our head. And even more amazing is the joy and love and freedom we can all feel and can live so easily when we choose to be ourselves.
Gyl, i can really relate to what you have shared. This feeling that i in some way need to ‘be’ a certain way to fit in with or accommodate for others or a man. The more i have connected with me and choose to not hold back who i am, there is joy in me that comes from making that choice, to be me, to be love.
I love how you present what beliefs were inside you and how they exhausted you. I guess many women have this. For myself I knew different faces, from meeting one person and then changing face to the other instead of being me all the time and trusting that it is enough. Not doing that anymore and being aware of this, I feel much less drained after a day.
Thanks Steffi, your comment reminded me of when I was into the horse scene, so I would put that face on and play that game, and then I would leave and go hang out with the gangstas and play that role. Oh the roles and pictures I have played… and in that, only showing a small glimpse of me here and there!
Reading your blog I could feel how much I have tried to maintain a facade in my relationships. This also happens in my relationships with friends. I have focussed on so many things ‘outside’ of me like clothing, being clean and tidy and being intelligent in the hope that other people will love and accept me. I am realising that the reason I do things is more important than what I actually do and it feels lovely to dress, clean, organise and learn simply because it is what honours me.
Rosie, again such a super powerful blog! Also as a gay man I can relate so well to what you reflect for us. For me the key to start a relationship was accepting, that I am still not fully me, but that I can work towards it together with my partner. We dismantle our ideals with lots of joy and fun step by step, supporting each other!
That’s beautiful, Felix – I love the way you accept you are not fully you but are willing to work on it together. To me that is true relationship.
Thanks for sharing Felix, it shows how we don’t have to be perfect to start, as we can work on things with the reflections and support of another.
Rosie, you unravel and debunk here many of the beliefs we carry as women, often dormant until potential Mr Right comes along. And yet there is another way to be, absolutely solid and steady within ourselves, not wavering from who we know we are in the presence of a potential partner, but in fact offering that steadiness of who we are to them with open arms. When we dedicate ourselves to that way of being we don’t lose ourselves when a relationship comes along.
I love that feeling of being steady in my body. It is becoming more and more familiar to me.
Katerina, it is a great point you make about steadiness. As this applies not just to a potential partner but children too. If we are absolutely solid and steady within ourselves, we offer that steadiness to the children that come into our world, what great reflections we are too them. We welcome them with whom we are with open arms. A journey me and my husband will be going through soon.
A beautiful point Amita, our children most definitly feel the huge difference it is when you allow yourself to just be you and not in a constant drive to be a better woman or a better mother.
yes, good point about the children! It is awesome when they have role models that promote just being themselves. I have seen the proof before my eyes!
This was really interesting to read Rosie as I have felt myself to be around someone recently who was a ‘potential’. It changed how I was and how I connected with other people which for me was a marker that something was not right. It’s very interesting to feel when these things are brought up – and it certainly has made me look at the way I have been approaching relationships, on a deeper level. Thank you for sharing you experience!
Question Ameila, it changed how you were? Or did you change how you were based on these pictures? Perhaps the whole thing was alright, but compared to your pictures it was not…
It can get confusing when there are so many pictures and you can’t decipher if they are really how you are or just a picture you have been carrying with you for so long that you have become to believe it is actually you.
Again, it reminds me of the importance of really feeling from your body and in each moment, instead of going into autopilot, using pictures and behaving the way we have in the past, which has not worked.
Hi Rosie, yes, it is interesting how much we let our heads govern what we think and do instead of feeling from our bodies and letting the innate wisdom come to the fore. Being in the moment and not the past is a crucial part of this.
The “shoulds”, ideals and beliefs certainly bring us undone Rosie and in different ways we have all been laced with them.
I loved the way you were so honest about your experiences and your journey to be truly you
Thank you
Those pesky pictures! As soon as we subscribe to them we are in trouble as you describe Rosie – either we try our hardest to live up to them by going into anxiety and stress or we feel worthless for not living up to them and give up. Either option is not pretty. Sound like we just need to ditch those pictures in the first place.
Definitely time to ditch those picture Andrew. Making space for more love.
Absolutely Andrew – we can go either way; put all of our effort trying to match the ideal picture we have, or alternatively we could feel worthless and think worse of our lives because they are not ‘perfect’.
I have the feeling there are still some ideals and belief how to be as woman. How to be with children, how to be with men, how to guide a household etc. The only way to understand me as a woman on a deeper level is to observe and feel my body.
Whether we are male or female we are bombarded with images and ideals from the moment we are born designed specifically to keep us from who we truly are. I personally would have still been neck deep in this had it not been for Universal Medicines teachings that we are all beautiful and equal just the way we are.( no one excluded)
Inspirational Rosie … You are so gorgeous and so very sweet simply being you and you can feel it all the way through this blog 🙂
Your article is really inspiring me to be nothing but me in a future relationship. I have been single with two children for a long, long time and dating and getting to know someone has been giving me a lot of stress for as long as I can remember and has made me give up on finding someone all together. I realize now that keeping up appearances is the root of my problem for I felt that I had to be beautiful and smart to get and keep a man interested. To be honest I measured men with the same high standards and I have felt either insecure or superior in a relationship. Adding the fact that I wasn’t too keen on being a sexual object I finally decided that I would be better off without a relationship where I could just be myself and where no one could claim me. After reading your article it all makes sense on a deeper level. Thank you Rosie.
Thank you for sharing so honestly. I love how you are unravelling it all.
I too have avoided relationship because of what they would bring up in me, but now I am looking forward to my next relationship with a man, and for all the healing and evolution that it will bring to me and all those around.
Richard I love the point in Rosie’s blog that you highlight. I used to feel very confounded how people perceived me as so different to how I knew myself to be. Then I realised that it was because I wasn’t presenting them with the real me, but with some trumped up idyllic version that I thought they would prefer instead. How could they see me, and meet me, and not reject me when it wasn’t me I was sharing with them.
Love this blog Rosie. You have reminded me of all the many pictures of the ideal woman, the ideal man, the ideal mother etc, that I have been carrying around in my head for many years; pictures that I am slowly making my way through and discarding as I learn to firstly be in a relationship with me. It may take some time as my relationship with me needed to be totally taken apart. But I am loving the loving and considered re-construction of this most important relationship of all, because if I can’t truly love me how can I truly love another? And that I am learning to do, step by gentle step.
I agree , relationship with self is a big one – learning not to live from one experience, moment of recognition or box ticking to the next, but have a committed relationship with yourself every step of the way. Its hard because it goes against all the pictures I have in my head where the attention i want comes from outside of me, but really how can anyone make me feel okay other than myself?
And how awesome does it feel, when we live as the powerful women that we naturally are, from within and not require anything from anyone else. I am learning this now, and I don’t live it all the time, but I have glimpses of it now and then and just think to myself….. whoa!… why don’t I make this my normal!
Hi Rosie, love your blog thank you for sharing with such honesty. Oh yes! so many pictures we have been imprinted with through out the years of how we as Women, should be. Thank fully now those pictures have been exposed for the illusions that they are and replaced with the simple truth. We are all ready enough just by simply being who we truly are and embracing the deep and lasting love and beauty that lays within us all.
Beautifully and simply written Kirsten, ‘We are all ready enough just by simply being who we truly are and embracing the deep and lasting love and beauty that lays within us all.’ Lovely to have the reminder, thank you.
Thank you for this sharing Rosie. I really relate to your words ” I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. ” I recently started a new job. I could tell that a couple of people didn’t feel a rapport with me.
At first I took it personally wondering: Am I not professional enough, am I too intrusive? Am I too friendly, am I not doing my job properly?
In short a lot of self doubt at play, and feeling on edge because there was tension with some of them.
Being committed to developing an awareness of self and others and an understanding of human nature I reflected that we all want to belong, feel accepted or have an identity in some way. It occurred to me that each of us probably have these internal pictures, created by beliefs , values and standards that habitually run us.
We all affect each other by how we behave according to these internally created pictures.
Not feeling immediately at ease in these work relationships caused me to go back into familiar habitual behaviour of thinking that there was something I was doing wrong… ( another false belief that I am at fault)
Some of the beliefs I have uncovered about working are: I need to be fast, efficient to be valued as an employee and team member… I need to be seen to be physically and mentally tough to survive, I need to be quick witted, a bit sassy and loudmouthed to fit in.
The truth is, I probably have a bit of all of these qualities anyway, but the pressure I put on myself to fit into the perceived status quo to be a ‘good work mate”, made me feel tense and restrained.
By buying into a particular ‘work mode’, I am of course stepping away from how I would freely express myself.
At first, I was trying hard to fit in that tense professional atmosphere and everyone pretending they knew what they were doing. On the surface , things seemed to be ok, but I was the one in the most discomfort and feeling restrained, not feeling free to be my joyous, playful self.
Every time I opened my mouth to speak, no one could understand me, or I would be misunderstood. The intention to connect and be friendly or genuine actually came out as meek, pandering (please accept me), weird tones of voice that didn’t sound like how I know myself to sound, unconfident, and jumbled questions.
Finally I decided that it was better for me to be easy in my own skin: joyous, free, light, cheeky.. and that if others didn’t feel comfortable with me, then so be it. I would observe but not take on their reaction to me. Over a period of days, of just going for it (that is, giving myself full permission to show how I feel and am), being me naturally, I noticed greater freedom from everyone else around me…. and the tense, hard, serious faces and ‘professional demeanour” gradually crumbled.
…and surprise , surprise, the one person who seemed the most irritable and hard faced with me cracked! By me, being my natural free light self, gave her the permission to be free of her ‘professional face’.
The other person is still somewhat reserved but it doesn’t matter. I am being me and I have made a difference in my work place… whether this man chooses to be himself with me or not is not my business.
Feeling and being love is lovely and contagious. I shouldn’t be surprised, but am still by the small miracles we bring to wherever we are and whomever we are with.
I love this blog Rosie and this comment is lovely to read and important to bring into the conversation too Michelle.
I have been looking at the same things in my workplace relationships lately, as I recently took on a way of being, or a picture, I felt I ought to be to basically be accepted in a particular situation.
When I did this everything changed and the normally easy relationships I have with everyone including myself, changed and I was met with blank walls and confusion and what felt like rejection from others.
What I feel actually happened was that in subscribing to a ‘picture’ I rejected myself. I wasn’t being my usual consistent natural self and everyone was affected. Just goes to show how important it is to be ourselves and not hold any of the beauty of that self back.
OMGosh Michelle, your awesome comment is so timely for me. Isn’t it truly amazing that when we have a question the answers magically appear, your words could be my words. I have recently started a new job and your experience mirrors my own to a tee! Also, I noticed that my behaviour was different with some people than others, with the one’s that I perceive to be more ‘intelligent’ than me I took on the meek persona, not feeling good enough and I felt myself losing confidence. We had a meeting yesterday and there were eight women round the table and one said “gosh we are more highly qualified than the people we support (being their bosses, who are managers of a university department) we all have degrees – and more. I found myself thinking, not me, I only have 2 GCEs and a secretarial qualification! We all know that true intelligence is not based on temporal qualifications or how well one can remember stats. It was then that I thought, no more self criticism Sandra, just be yourself and stop the comparison, it is deeply harming to myself and others, who cares what anyone thinks, it is only me putting restraints on myself. Once I realised what I have been doing, it is my choice to claim myself at work, it can be challenging but I am working on it, thank you so much Michelle, I shall take your words with me to work today and every day.
Reading your blog makes me appreciate the ridiculousness of trying to live up to ideals and beliefs when all along all that was needed was for me to be me. I can very much relate to the ‘the house must be clean and tidy or else I am not a good women’ and the anxiousness you describe to try and live up to this.
The partner misses out with these ideals because they don’t get to live with YOU.
Totally Joshua and this is possibly why the divorce rates are so high??? Because everyone is living with all these pictures of how each one thinks that everything needs to be.
With such awareness and honesty of what’s really ‘going on’ Rosie, I would say you are well suited to being in a relationship with a partner. It is this honesty, and willingness to look at what’s really going on, that from my experience, allows a relationship to be real, and to be healthy, sustaining and vital.
We each come armed with so many notions of how things ‘should’ be, what we ‘want’ or ‘need’ from each other… yet it can be so simple to allow our honesty to open the door to true communication, that neither party need ever feel (nor remain) trapped in playing a part that doesn’t truly feel to be them. There is so very much to learn, from each other.
This is a natural part of simply being together, and offers such richness in understanding ourselves and others, and paves the way for love – its true and real expression – to be shared and lived, in a way that is lasting and deeply joyful.
Hi Victoria, thank you. Your relationship with your partner has been inspirational to me. I love how you both share so openly and honestly in group situations, with no shame.
True words, Victoria, shared from lived experience. So long as there is a commitment to evolve and keep making relationships about the bigger picture, we develop a deeper love and understanding of ourselves and the rest of humanity.
What beautiful descriptions you have shared Victoria …. Now that is worth unfolding for and nurturing in relationship! Thank you too Rosie for your wonderfully open blog, it has got me thinking of what ideals and beliefs I carry ….
It feels like we can have all of these qualities if we allow them to naturally be rather than see a check list of what we have to live up to in order to be in a relationship.
This is such a lovely blog because it calls out the realness of what women believe they should be thinking rather than just being who they truly are.
I love your “work in progress”, great blog that uncovers some habits that many of us probably get caught up in. I know I did when I used to meet men. I used to come across as aloof, distant and unreachable, and a lots of the time men liked it. they liked the unattainable, the issue comes when it comes to true connection, it is either there or not and if we are distant we are not in connection. The true relationship I and they sought did not always occur because we were both playing roles or living in our habits. I am learning a new way of way of living, you blog is wonderful because what I also feel is it communicates your way of living, your understanding and acceptance of where you at and that stuff will come up to work on. I have a little habit of being hard on myself and this blog supports me to look at it. Thank you.
Dispensing with as many ‘shoulds’ as possible and making discerning choices for ourselves – this would be a transformative way forward.
Let the unravelling begin! As women we are too innately awesome to be held back by our own misconceived images of what being a woman is supposed to look like….and all our relationships suffer as a consequence. To be in true relationship with all that I am by Divine right does not make me the ‘perfect’ woman, but becoming more of me in essence is definitely a process worth embarking on. Thanks Rosie for getting the ball rolling.
I love that about one minute a guy gets to see this beautiful woman and enters in to a relationship with her, and then the next minute she is rushing around trying to be perfect, how confusing and unstable this must be! But we do it all the time. Thank you Rosie, so well said.
It is so easy to laugh at but what gets me is that I have done this over and over, just with different flavours!
I recently had an extensive chat with a group of teenagers and young women. It was very revealing for me to hear how many ideals and believes about being a women and all the should’s and don’ts they already carry in them. It made me reflect on how early this starts and how we get already conditioned as children and then when we start to become women it is all already in place. What a set up!
Yes indeed… Its all in movies and on social media.. The role models these days are not the greatest so we here as women, reading this blog can be the new role models. Each and everyone of us.
It is so true Rosie we do give ourselves incredible standards to live up to that do not honour our natural expression as women. There is naturalness in being sexy, having a clean house, cooking a yummy dinner etc. but when it is forced and used as a marker of self worth these natural expressions are constrained and what is expressed is an idea of who we are instead of who we naturally are.
Thanks Rosie for bringing such awareness to the roles and ideals and beliefs we hold as woman.
As Michelle say ” this is a whole can of worms that needs to get looked at!”- as they present, to nominate and then lovingly let go of. A great reminder of the simplicity of life when we naturally chose to be our true self in relationships.
The more we support those pictures by feeding them with our energy and keeping them alive, the less we know our true selves. So how do we tell when we are in the midst of these untrue cycles and warped expectations? For me, it feels like a definite uphill battle and a struggle to be and achieve whatever picture I have chosen to go into and being that version of me, feels like hard work. So even choosing to just stop within one of those un-me cycles, is like a breath of fresh air, that makes room for an honest moment to feel just how uncomfortable and held I am feeling. In that way, I can see tension as being my friend and a trigger for me to stop and just breathe me again. When I feel that truer version of me at that stop moment, I can honesty reflect on my choice and how unnatural it felt, and allow my natural loveliness and love, to flow in.
I can see tension as being my friend and a trigger for me to stop and just breathe me again.
Great point there Julie. Thanks for sharing.
Well said Rosie, ideals and beliefs is what gets in the way of enjoying a whole relationship with all people. I have been on the receiving and dishing out end of the game playing that gets played out in different relationships, I don’t mean just your partner, I have seen it play out in my own family relationships, friends, and colleagues.
All I am interested in is the whole real version of my partner, friend or colleague not a made up version. In those times I have seen true relationship flourish. Thank you for your sharing.
I love this, Angelo – “All I am interested in is the whole real version of my partner, friend or colleague not a made up version.” Beautifully said.
Rosie, I love the simplicity of what you have shared here. It is so simple because of your honesty. Honesty is the key to revealing our true selves for ourselves and then into any and all relationships. Thank you for this reminder. A great blog!
Thank you for reminding me that the pictures in my head are not necessarily mine.
The process of looking at our pictures is such a great way to start to coming back to the real woman. Every time we say ‘No’ to the false picture, we say ‘yes’ to the real us.
So true Fiona – every time we say ‘no’ to the false picture, we say ‘yes’ to the real us. Awesome.
Gorgeous Rosie, I love how you have uncovered many women’s pictures by sharing your own, as I know I for one can relate. So now we can all unravel together.
We are sure unravelling together, with each new comment here, I get an new opportunity and inspiration to look at another picture that I was not aware of. I am so enjoying it.
And to think, I was afraid to publish this blog because its a bit exposing!
It’s interesting to think of how much all miss out when one of us is afraid to speak up honestly… and also how awesome it is when we do, and we can see the flow on effect to those around us.
I love reading your blogs Rosie. So real and easy to relate to. Great what you are exposing here – for us to look at what pictures we have built up in our minds as to how to be in relationship and what makes a great partner. Where have we taken these pictures from? I was chatting to a friend some time ago and through our discussion she realised that her pictures actually came from Cinderella. I mean it seems obvious, but she was really taken back upon understanding just how much of the Cinderella story she had taken on as hers.
What a pity that I could not show my real me to show all the people in my life how wonderful they also are. But I started, and I can say it’s a journey with all experiences which human beings can make. That’s life and that’s the beauty of life.
I’ve pondered on the pictures I’ve painted to be an ideal women. The picture I lived to for a long time was the one “I” created on who my partners’ ideal women was. For years I felt I didn’t live up to this picture perfect female form. I would judge myself on many physical aspects of not living up to this. The really wacky thing is it was my picture and had very little if absolutely anything to do with reality. So for years I felt insecure and monitored the way I looked ‘thinking’ this was what was needed for my partner to accept me and it was all in my imagination.
This whole conversation is awe inspiring, there is a whole curriculum here for me to glean from for further classes relating to “Being ME” Thank you to all who have contributed.
Wow thank you for sharing Rosie, the pictures of how we think we should be effects many women and as you say there are many many different pictures out there! I defiantly relate to a lot of the scenarios you mention especially the one about have the house clean and good food. I have at times been grumpy with my partner when he has come home early as I have not had time to create my picture as in food prepared and house clean I then have taken it out on him =How bizarre is that!
Hi John O Connell here from Ireland .
As Kevin has said you are truly getting on with the honesty , and think about it what a great delight it must be for men to meet you now and truly what a relief it must be for men to meet and feel your essence and not those controlling pictures. And as you say in your blog it “must feel kind of strange meeting a woman and seeing her as herself but then the next time that you see her , she is in anxiousness and putting on a show ” this is so true there was time I would connect with a girl and then the next time we meet I would not recognise the person , I would be thinking to myself “what the hell happened to the person I met the last day ” and there was times I asked
thank you
Great how you expose the ways in which women – and for that matter men too, let’s face it – have been subjected to and therefore influenced by stereotypical role-modelling about the way to be, do and act in relationships. It’s a good call to consider just how confusing this may well be to the opposite sex when initially they were attracted by our true essence and not to the roles we can subsequently try to play out in front of them. I’m taking away the line,’ Now my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationship’. A thought provoking blog. Thank you.
Thank you for your article Rosie exposing the parade we bring into relationships. It felt exhausting to read all the falseness we bring into them and just not dating relationships.
When I started dating, a person once said to me, ‘don’t ever give a man too much of yourself as they will always expect it’. I ran a mile with this (20 year miles) and did the absolute opposite to NOT impress as to what you have shared above. It really feels like a form of protection to not let the potential partner in and to put out a loud message ‘do not expect anything from me’ – doomed from the start!
How sad we play these games and hold ourselves back in protection, whether we are trying to impress or not. The end result is the same, not being our true selves and miss out developing a true relationship with self and together growing in the relationship.
I agree Tony “Nothing is grander than seeing and feeling someone who is simply being themselves”
What a fabulously honest blog Rosie, there’s a lot for us all to contemplate here – when are we putting on an act and when are we truly showing all of us in a relationship? It’s true what you say, no wonder that sometimes the one at the receiving end gets really confused and looks for the exit.
I can relate to all the different pictures that have been shared – I feel so fortunate to be part of this conversation and see what these pictures are really about and now know I can stop beating myself up for not being able to live up to those pictures. I love the opportunity all of our children can benefit from a much more true way of living and a lot less pressure on all relationships they will encounter. Thank you Rosie for sharing your experience.
Thanks Christine, I love sharing these revelations with my daughter although it seems the pictures on music videos and other social media are having more of an impact on her at the moment than what I have to share. It shows me that they come with such force and how easy it is for young people and even adults to get sucked in.
Thank you Rosie, I can very much relate to what you are describing. I too have so many pictures of how I should be in a relationship and how a relationship is supposed to be. It is a work in progress but I find it is quite fun when I allow myself to just be open and observe myself so all these false pictures reveal themselves and I can one by one discard them.
I had many pictures too, but I think my main picture was that of super woman…. oh yes I could do everything; raise 2 children on my own, work, study, cut the grass, chop high hedges, baby sit on a regular basis the children of my brother, (then I was the ‘good’ aunt) and the list goes on. Actually i am wondering now how I did it all, and of course the answer comes, which was the recogition I got which I needed to fill my emptiness. Thankfully these days i have let go of the ‘doing and rushing’ mode, which certainly helps me stay with myself more and more.
I love the simplicity in this article, of a topic that plays out in every day life around us, by most women in a complex and manipulative way. If I ever get caught up in the false version of me as the ‘wife’ the harm that this causes not only to me but to my partner and others is enormous. Not saying this to try and feel guilty, but to actually feel the impact of not choosing to be myself. Once such impact is that when I am in an ideal of how I need to be as a partner, there is also a need for the man to be a certain way in the relationship or as a partner. This need imposes on the man, judges him for how he is and also attempts to manipulate him emotionally or psychologically to try and get him to be a certain way, a way that fits the ideals.
Thanks for sharing Danielle, that feels really tricky, because then both of you are in a way controlled and neither of you are just being yourselves.
Rosie -you have shared your story which many of us can so relate to. The media portray on a daily basis how to be superwoman, super sexy, super gorgeous, a super parent with a super house and many other supers… and we are told we need to be this way to please others! We can however make a choice whether we choose to live in this way or not. You are making the choice to not live this way anymore as you are feeling the falseness of it all. I too have some unravelling to do as I expose some of the ways I am not me in my relationship.
This understanding of what is going on is brilliant Rosie “When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.” This is a great way to observe what is actually going on and not react with hurt.
Your style is so refreshingly honest Rosie – I love all you highlight here and how you came to feel it all. Isn’t it amazing when a new context or possibility pops up all these held pictures of how something should be or look to be okay or accepted. Love the way you recognise and accept each one with honestly and understanding – and see how much they are not part of our natural way, and yet can take a little bit to move beyond to more truly equal relating. More Rosie blogs please.
I agree Kate…more Rosie blogs please!
Although the picture is different, it is much the same for men – looking to fit a certain picture of what a man should be in a relationship, at home at work etc. I have always felt unnatural trying to fit this image but tried my best nevertheless. It’s an exploration and claiming of what I had let go of in the first place that will truly bring back who I am as a man. Then I will have something real and genuine that doesn’t rely on role playing to know who I am and what I should be doing.
Great to get a man’s perspective on this Jinya and as you have shared it is no different except for the pictures and variety of roles we may choose to go into rather than being ourselves.
Pictures are forever revealing themselves as we realise that they are just the product of ourselves not truly being ourselves.
It is very relevant that you put the finger on the pictures we have of how we should be, and how that changes the spontaneous, lovely, easy connection that you feel the first time you meet. Uncovering and unraveling those pictures shows awareness and courage, as they seem soo familiar and we are so identified with them that actually feel like “me”, It is fundamental to remember that there is a “me” that is lighter and freer than all those pictures and we can let that true “me” out, if first we recognize the picture and catch it before it owns us. Definitely good and needed work for me too. One of the pictures that has owned me and actually spoilt relationships is: I have to be there for the other no matter what, even inspite of myself, or against what i need or feel. That “romantic” (in the strict sense) picture, of people in the 19th century that died for the “loved” one…It seems so good and true, and so harmful at the same time, and so far away from self love. Working on it, Great to see someone peeling the onion too.
Thanks for sharing, one of mine that I have recently discovered is how I like to fix everything, to make it nice and comfortable, instead of just allowing things to be as they are.
I keep seeing it in so many different areas of my life now that I have become aware of it.
Sometimes becoming aware is the hardest part. I have to take my blinkers off and see a behaviour or belief that has been going on for so long I hate to even admit it.
I recognise similar pictures in every aspect of my life. Thank you for sharing how exhausting they are, how they take us away from our true expression and create anxiousness. I love the fact that you recognised you built the pictures over years which means they will not disappear overnight so you have not added another picture of ‘needing-to-be-picture-free-overnight’ and have been giving yourself the loving space to observe and unfold your way out of them.
Yes, Golnaz, I totally accept that I have a big collection of pictures and it may take me a long long time to sort through them all, and to me, thats okay… one at a time, with honesty and no beating myself no matter how bad they are!
Rosie and Golnaz what you say her is something for me to take note of – there is a way to look at these ideals and beliefs without judgement and self critique and that when we do so we are able to patiently unravel the knots we have created over time at our own pace in our own way. Lovely
I love all you describe and say Rosie very real and honest thank you. The appreciation of just allowing ourselves to be who we are, is joyful and true freedom, and yet how I can relate to feeling traped into not being enough by those belief systems and ideals when being with others, and projecting that on myself all alone . Beautiful sharing
It is amazing how many roles we take on ourselves as women and how many rules, pictures and beliefs are attached to each one of them be it partner, mother, sister, daughter, friend..each one seems to come with is own rule books and it takes a lot of energy to keep up with it all. How easy and freeing would it be if we just let go of all the rules and threw away all the corresponding rule books and replaced it with just being me. No rule book, no impositions of how to be, but just being as we are, in our unique expressions of th gorgeous, nurturing, loving, fun women we are and have always been way way before we started to take on those roles.
Lets start with ourselves…. it’s the only place to begin.
Absolutely agree Rosie.
It’s interesting that left alone we are far more capable of just being ourselves, but when we are put in any kind of a relationship with someone – whether that be a personal relationship with someone or simply your relationship with the person that drops off your mail, a friend or neighbour, it throws up all manner of pictures of how we think we ought to be/behave. You summed it up Rosie with “when there was no potential relationship with a man, I was just being me… no one to impress, no neediness or anything”.
Great topic you share about, Rosie. So many ideals about how to be the perfect woman, mother, friend, daughter, employee ect. in my life. It almost felt great to relax for a while not having/being a partner. Only to show me how much pressure I put on myself (and others) to meet the expectations I think others have of me. And yes, potential new partners make me realize how many ideals I have about me being in a relationship, but it also brought awareness on me still holding on to old hurts (from former relationships) and how damaging that is. And (holding on to) old hurts are in the way of starting new relationships and in deepening existing relationships. So I am in the proces of discarding one by one both ideals and hurts.
Yes the old hurts seem to be another picture that we allow to get in the way.
Rosie, this is such a great blog and so incredibly timely that I should read. A relationship with a man is unfolding with me at the moment and can feel the pictures that come in, these ideals and beliefs, not only from role models, growing up and societal norms, but also those that come from new things that i have learned about what i ‘do want’ a relationship to be about – true relationship. I now have new markers of what i want a relationship to be or have in my life, but have to marry that up with what you shared –
“It has taken me years to acquire all these pictures of woman in relationship and how a woman ‘should’ be, act and behave in a relationship, so as much as I would like to discard them overnight, I realise that this is a work in progress and requires my honesty and awareness to slowly, one by one, become aware of each picture and decipher whether it’s me or a picture.”
– this is so true and can feel how I can bring in new ideals and beliefs and not a level of understanding and acceptance of not only where my partner is, but also where i am at. So reading your blog could not have been more timely, so beautiful, i will ensure i revisit when i feel those old or new pictures come in and stay with the present.
I agree, I also know that over time I have collected pictures about what a good relationship looks like and these can be just as crippling – rather than seeing the person and the relationship as it is, we see it and measure it to our own internal ideals and beliefs.
“I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not.”….so simple and so true. Thanks for the reminder that when I do put pressure on myself I do leave who I naturally am and then I miss me greatly.
I love this quote as well Sarah Flenley. When I look back and recall when I stopped being the real me I think it started at 5 years of age. I remember the loving, deeply caring, playful and cheeky me. Time to get a move and not waste any more time!
Thank you for your article Rosie exposing the parade we bring into relationships. It felt exhausting to read all the falseness we bring into them and just not dating relationships.
When I started dating a person once said to me, ‘don’t ever give a man too much of yourself as they will always expect it’. I ran a mile with this and did the absolute opposite to NOT impress as to what you have shared above. It really feels like a form of protection to not let the potential partner in and to put out a loud message ‘do not expect anything from me’ – doomed from the start!
How sad we play these games and hold ourselves back in protection whether we are trying to impress or not. The end result is the same not being our true selves and miss out developing a true relationship with self and together growing in the relationship.
Awesome exposure Rosie – thank you! It’s conversations such as these that help to remind how true relating can feel with the ‘pictures’ cast aside, true beauty becomes magnified.
Rosie this is fantastic. Thank you for expressing this just as you have, I can relate to all of this and boy o boy am I becoming aware of how I have allowed these pictures to run my life and interactions – even my relationship with myself! If I’m not even able to be me, with me, how then am I going to be able to step into relationships with others, men and women. The more I learn to accept myself just as I am, the more I can see the detrimental affect these pictures and beliefs have had on my life and as you share it is wonderful to feel the fact that yes, I have taken these on, but they are not who I truly am.
Belief systems of how we have to be as men and women are huge and constantly changing in time, but what is not changing is that its always about the outside expectations and never about who we truly are.
Perhaps we should start a new trend, where the only expectation is to just be who you are from the inside out.
You are so right Rachel in the way that you have expressed this.. how we are as men and women is never about being who we truly are, only about filling certain roles and stereotypes of the time, or age that are lived in. I am just imagining the potential of bringing up a generation who were allowed to express and be themselves, as they are, without fitting the set picture or image of how they have to be! That would turn ‘life as we know it’ on its head!
Oh the pictures. They are everywhere – relationships, work, family and the list goes on. The tension this creates in us is huge. Thank you for opening the conversation Rosie.
Rosie, Your list made me laugh because I used to live by that list and many others like that not even realising that I was living life like that. It was so called normal because that’s what I saw growing up around me and that’s how most people are living! I love how you’ve used the word ‘picture’ here as we do have all these pictures in our head and also ideals and beliefs so ingrained in us that we live by without our awareness. I love you sharing this journey and bringing to awareness. I am now living more of me and not my pictures or ideal and beliefs but its a work in progress shifting at its own pace slowly.
Beautiful blog Rosie. One that I am sure most woman could relate to.
” I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.” I love this statement Rosie, for me it really sums up the irony of the way we live if we are ruled by ideals and beliefs. I had quite an act going on, playing so many different roles and working so hard to please my audience that I became totally exhausted, worse still I had no idea who I truly was, I was nothing if I wasn’t performing for someone. Many thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for spotlighting the way to the true me and my true roll in life…….no more curtain calls needed.
Your quote “I was nothing if I was not performing” is MASSIVE! I wonder how many people feel that way, and don’t even realise it, because they are too busy performing and don’t stop to feel.
That’s a great point you make Rosie about being young and feeling that the real you would be rejected so you came up with false ways in which to find acceptance.
I can relate to acting a certain way, which isn’t really me just because I have thought that’s what the person wants or expects, having made the decision that they wouldn’t like the real me. It makes me think about how many people we know and how much of ourselves do we truly reveal? For example with my friends I would always make out I could cope with everything and I never needed any help, even if offered. In reality that was not true as there have been many moments when I felt vulnerable but saw it as a failure or weakness. Thanks for a great topic Rosie, lots here to consider.
Thank you Rosie!
Wow – what you shared about how men might feel seeing a plethora of personalities from a woman is a huge point.
It could very well be why men are branded as getting ‘cold feet’
I can absolutely say I’ve played the game very well – like a chameleon adapting my role according to the situation.
I can change depending on if I am interested in a guy, if I want something from him or if I am not interested.
And of course I would go to my ‘role drawer’ to make the situation work for me.
I can still feel how I shut down and don’t claim myself if I can feel a man is interested in me.
But it could be a very different society if everyone lived as they truly are.
Hannah, I had to laugh about going to my “role” drawer.. and changing depending if you wanted something from someone or not, rather than just being you regardless. I love what you have added to this conversation. Thank you.
This is such an epidemic of a dis-ease that cripples every woman and man if we so choose to be accepted by society. As you share Rosie, you have spent a lifetime of building and taking on these ideals and beliefs, it will take time to let them go. Committing to being open to looking at them when the override comes in, is 90% of the hurdle.
You are certainly not alone in what you have taken on and in as the ideal woman – I am increasingly aware of the layers I am sheading in order to be more of the true woman I am. Along the way I have discovered that being me and being honest is incredibly attractive, dare I say, sexy too!
A really interesting blog, Rosie, amazing the way the old ideals and beliefs of how we should be rear themselves and take us away from whom we truly are. Great for you that you have exposed these ideals that you find you are still holding. You are aware of them, so of course are now dealing with them. All you need to do is be the truly amazing woman that you are, that I know.
Having been married to the one person for 44 years, and now widowed for 11, it would be quite interesting to see what ideals and beliefs of how I should be could rear their heads. I am not looking for a potential relationship with a man at my age, have no need in me at the moment for such, but would never completely rule it out. I guess the unexpected ideals etc. could still be there, even though I may think that I have dealt with all those.
I agree Ariana, the picture traps us as we try to control things to fit into it. It stops us at looking at things honestly, at how it actually is and then responding to that. I’ve played this game for many years and it does not lead anywhere.
Thank you, Rosie. Letting go of these ideals feels so important, if we are to start and feel comfortable in our own skin. The trying to be something you are not is exhausting and, as you say, must be extremely confusing to watch for someone who is ready and willing to get to know the real us.
In the past I’ve read this the other way round – I’ve been so busy being someone else, or what someone else wants me to be that I neglect being myself. Your article, Rosie, reminds me of how ingrained the expectations of others are in how we behave, and also the sheer weight of that conditioning that we all have, from our parents, our education, our role models, the media, our peer group. There are so few people who are asking us to simply be ourselves, nothing more and nothing less – and when we are, we are definitely at our most ‘attractive’.
That is true Simon, so few people ask us to be ourselves, because we are all lost in these ideals and beliefs, putting these expectations not only on ourselves but also on others.
Beautifully said Simon – when we are being ourselves, plain and simple, we are definitely at our most attractive, naturally so.
Thank you Rosie, something for me to really look at. I have had so many pictures around me, as I was caught in lots of ideals and beliefs, but as these have reduced, it’s great to reflect on what pictures I have still have going on.
Yes that sums it up Amita, having let go of a lot of ideals and beliefs and now looking at what pictures are truly left now so that they can be named and renounced. Thank you.
Beautifully said, Rosie. We all have those false ideas and beliefs in us, and in my case it is very difficult to let go of some of them go, even when I’m aware of them. I love how you say that it is a work in progress, one by one. It reminds me to not be so impatient.
What you have offered here Rosie is like a door opening revealing the truth of how many of us have taken on the same behaviours and ideals.
I think we all try and live to fit some picture or another whether that be what we think a friend should be, a mother, wife, daughter, lover etc to how we are at work and everyday life. We are like chameleons trying to shift and blend from one role to another which in return is confusing and exhausting so no wonder we feel anxious and ill at ease in our own skin.
Letting go of the need for things to be a certain way is very freeing and yet at the same time exposing, as we can no longer hide in the “storybook’ version of life that we have created for ourselves. It takes courage to be real and let your guard down so that another gets to see who you really are, but in the end it is worth it as the relationship is built on you being you, not some fake or idealised version that you can’t sustain, which leads to the relationship falling apart as neither party brought who they were at the start.
‘It takes courage to be real and let your guard down so that another gets to see who you really are, but in the end it is worth it as the relationship is built on you being you, not some fake or idealised version that you can’t sustain’, this is so true Rachel, I used to find it exhausting trying to be something that I wasn’t, trying to be pretty, trying to be funny, trying to be interesting rather than just allowing myself to be myself and know that I am enough.
Awesome comment Rachel, love it! I am finding the more I let my guard down and allow myself to be the real me in relationships people are more settled, relaxed and real around me. It stops the fake “I’m doing ok, life is perfect” conversations and allows for honesty and openness to be there. There is a true intimacy when we relate in this way, a sameness and equality that takes the fear out of being yourself with another. How inspiring that when we give ourselves permission to be the “real me” in relationships we give others permission to choose to be the “real me” they naturally are.
Hear hear Rachel, I agree it takes courage to be real and let another see who you are – yet more or less all of us knows (if we are prepared to be honest) it is terribly exhausting to keep up the opposite (the picture).
“When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.” After reading it was like a light being shone on a spec of dirt so now i can see it for what it has been, false ideals. Exposing and healing. Thank you.
‘I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not.’ What a great revelation Rosie – so true! It’s amazing to discover what we take on. I remember a particular and unexpected belief revealing itself several years into my marriage and being totally surprised by it. These images and pictures of ‘how I should be’ can be deeply buried, deeply subconscious. It’s great to catch them and see them for what they are when they emerge.
Hi Rosie. Great article to get us talking about our “pictures” and exposing what is not us to make more room for the true us.
I have always ‘ditched’ the real me to perform in what I decided long ago was the stage I needed to set to be accepted and get through.
When this was rejected I took that as confirmation that I was worthless and would seek out another role model, anything that I deemed may work or search deeper in the layers I had tucked away if there was something else I could use to bring me the acceptance I desperately craved.
Thank you Rosie for this truthful and inspiring blog, it has lovingly allowed me to feel that which I’ve chosen to ignore.
Reading this I could really feel into how influential parents/family and all the images I saw as a child impressed the way I behaved in relationships outside the comfort of my home as an adult. Such a lovely sharing Rosie thank you.
I do love everyones comments and how I learn so much from all the interactions. It touches me deeply to inspire and to be inspired by so many who take the time to be part of the conversation by commenting. Thank you all.
Well said Rosie, I love reading the comments and feeling the ripple effect that expression has. I am finding more and more that true expression is deeply healing and supports us all to expand. These blogs are such a gift, thank you dearly for writing this one!
Hi Rosie,
I decided to use the essence of your article as my theme for the week at school with my junior students. I teach Drama/Life skills and I had them use the line “I tried to fit the picture of what I thought I SHOULD BE”. They had to improvise scenes of how this plays out in their character’s lives and to explore the various consequences. Wow! what a powerful, engaging and enlightening week of classes we had.
Some interesting discoveries: A girl in year 5 already has her life completely planned 1.Marry a rich husband 2. Study to be a Lawyer or Surgeon so that she can be rich as well. 3.Have 3 children-2 boys and 1 girl and they all had names as well….incredible. When I questioned her further about this she was stuck fast to this plan, there was no telling her, that maybe things would change and this won’t all work out the way she has it planned. I asked her where does Love fit in to this plan, and is it really that important? Her answer was MONEY was all that was important. So, finally I asked her to be her 27 year old self, in the future and be the young mother of her 5 year old child. To see what it might be like. The child turned out to be an absolute hand-full, trouble doing everything, constant tantrums, went against every suggestion, and yet my tenacious student stayed patient as the mother and expressed lovingly (if not slightly controlled) discipline, towards the child. After the improvisation I asked her if love was an important factor to nurture from within in order to be ready for anything like this in the future. After that role-play she agreed, firstly that she did have love within her and that she needed to use it in order to have the patience needed to look after her willful child. Then I asked her to be the imaginary mother of her TEENAGER!
Well, she had 24 hour surveillance on the teenager, her daughter wanted to marry an Indian boy called Hussin, now that was out of the question because he was from another nationality, she had security guards employed to watch her daughter’s every step, she did everything she could to control and manipulate her daughter into doing what she wanted her to do and being what she wanted her to be. It was so incredible to experience this behavior. Needless to say we had an in depth discussion after the improvisation about the importance of nurturing, love and understanding within ourselves first and foremost and how this can then be influential later in our lives. This was just one experience to learn from. Thank you Rosie again, for sharing as it had had an incredible ripple effect into many other people’s lives.
Thank you for sharing with us too. It sounds like an eye opening week in the classroom.
Amazing how stuck we get with our pictures and almost have tunnel vision.
Wow, Irena, what an amazing experience you must have had seeing how ideals and beliefs are so ingrained and playout from young if they have not been presented with another reflection to view life from. By you then lovingly introducing the importance of Love in any relationship, in your sharing to the 5 yr old-this has now possibly broken the momentum she would be carrying into her life.
How powerful is it when we express from Love and don’t hold back!
Ouch! Control…. yes so true Ariana.
And how scary that we get so sold out to the pictures that we don’t know if we are the picture or not.
I can very much relate to all these pictures. For me it already starts that I change when there is a ‘potential’ man in sight. Instead of just being me, I get nervous and anxious and very self conscious. What I am becoming aware about lately is that I change around men. And then not just any man, but a man that I find attractive and could be a new partner. And yes, I also have these ideas about how I should be in a relationship. Great that you are sharing this as a lot of women carry these beliefs, pictures and ideals with them. We tend to lose ourselves in a relationship and this is not what true relationships are about.
So many pictures we paint, so many ideals we hold. But as you say, it is just an unravelling of the what is not us. When we are able to stand back and look at it this way there need be no attachment or judgement, just space for some more loving choices.
That’s beautiful Jenny. There may be a lot of unraveling of what is not us required, but the answer is always in standing back observing and making the next loving choice.
Awesome revelations Rosie. And you are absolutely right when you say: “I am not sure how it must feel for the man at the other end of this scenario – I am yet to discover that – but it must feel kind of strange meeting a woman and seeing her as herself but then the next time that you see her she is anxious and putting on a show. It’s no wonder guys can sometimes get cold feet in a relationship with a woman and run. Maybe it’s just that they feel the falseness of the picture and say no to that. Maybe they are not interested in the “made up version” and in fact the part they liked was the real one.” That´s really a piece to ponder on.
Gorgeous sharing Rosie, thank you. I love the simplicity that comes along when honesty is the major key in our relationship with ourself – the more pictures we are willing to see, the more we will see and with the knowing that we do not have to identify as our pictures, but rather be our natural selves and learn what this really looks like for ourselves life becomes so much lighter and enjoyable.
Awesome blog. Great point you have made about what it might be like on the other side of the fence…. I have never thought of it that way. I put pictures on all the time as for ages, i was set on finding a partner, and pretty much anyone i met would be a possibility (yikes!) as I’ve slowly started to change that around, I was thinking about this whilst at work and realized that those pictures; 1. stop me doing my job properly -cause I’m not really focused on what I am doing properly (talk about unprofessional right) 2. Stop me from actually meeting and connecting with who ever i have in front of me and 3. Puts a lot of pressure (and probably makes the interaction awkward and uncomfortable) on the person in front of me. so, great point you have made Rosie.
Emily… I LOVE your honesty!
Only way we can change old patterns of behaviour is with being super honest… first with ourselves.. and then when you share it with others, its like sharing the learning for all to learn from.
Awesome!
Thank you Rosie… love your honesty. Relationships are great at undoing or as you put it –’unraveling what is not me so I can be me as a woman in relationship’ – as long as we are willing to bring all of us in full and are prepared to take responsibility for each and every reaction instead of deflecting by pointing the finger of blame.
Thank you Rosie for this blog and I bet there are many who can relate to this.
I know about all those should be and that house clean and tidy business if I am to be a good woman.
The truth is I became obsessive in my behaviour to please my partner and others and lost me in all of that.
Now as a wise woman, I can honestly say I am me and my relationship of 28 years is stronger and more real than ever. No pretending, no games, no lying or blaming – just say it as it is and work through your stuff and don’t take it to bed. Deal with it and thats the recipe for a great true relationship. I have the utmost respect for my husband and I am not afraid to speak my truth and he is the same. We are not here to impress anyone or be anything other than who we truly are. I know we are true role models and that means we have a responsibility and a commitment to staying open so we can continue to learn and grow as there is always more to learn.
What a great blog Rosie, as we all carry these pictures of ourselves around, wanting to connect to others but never realising we have forgotten to see ourselves in the first place. It’s like an album of false images when all we ever needed was the cover.
Jade, I love your comment. Made me laugh… like the false glossy adversing that is so different from the real deal.
“…..wanting to connect to others but never realising we have forgotten to see ourselves in the first place.” How poignant is that? We have forgotten to see ourselves in the first place. Losing sight of ourselves completely in the wanting to connect to others. I can SO relate. And I can SO let go! Thank you, Jade.
A very relatable blog Rosie! I’ve been going through something similar recently – all of these ideals and pictures of what a woman SHOULD look like, act like and how she should behave have been buzzing around in my brain. And you have brought up something revelatory; what kind of effect does women always changing their personality and trying to ‘be the perfect woman’ have on the men?! Thank you for sharing your experiences.
As always with your blogs Rosie, this is a brilliant piece. I love how naturally you write and share about yourself. You always take me on a journey of discovery about you and about me.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us all.
Thanks Alison, I do love writing, and I write just how I would speak. I don’t have any pictures about how I should write…. so its easy for me. No ideals or beliefs…. No fear of my writing being rejected… At least this area of my life is Me… now just to bring all of me to relationships. I realise so much when I write.
I enjoyed reading your blog Rosie. Fitting in, sense of belonging and looking a certain way, being a family and a mother are all familiar scenarios that I thought I had to be. So many things to be is hard work and exhausting. Why do we do this to ourselves as woman? Probably for most of us we haven’t had good role models.
Hi Rosie. I love this blog. For me it highlights the expectations we can often hold ourselves up to, that are so unreal and that we can’t possibly live up to without serious consequences to ourselves. Our mind can make so many demands of us if we let it run riot. This has really got me to consider how I negotiate and compromise what I know is true for me to what I think is right.
Rosie,
Gorgeous picture of you and great honesty in your story.
‘I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not.’ I can totally relate to this Rosie and thank you for exposing how crazy it is. Lots of pictures and beliefs to unravel but the simplicity of allowing myself to just be me whoever I am with is well worth the dismantling.
In the same way, I ” left who I am naturally, causing me to not to be me ” Rosie. Looking back it was so stressful.
Now I am happily unravelling and discovering the true me and in the process, lovingly letting go of the me that pleases everyone else.
Gosh, my pictures as a women would be:
– trying to make everyone feel happy
– looking a certain way so that I will always look gorgeous and forgetting that I am beautiful just for being me
– feeling like I have to hold everyone together
– feeling like I have to please people around me and then forget about myself in the process.
And the list goes on, but I loved reading your journey Rosie though cracking these pictures, and it has helped me to re-look at how my pictures play a big part in my day to day life.
Thank you Madeleine, its amazing how many pictures we have, and they may not be the same but some can be so similar.
Hi Rosie, this is a wonderful exposure of how we women try to match up to the picture of ourselves that we have created and how much simpler it is just to be ourselves. I am now single after the end of a 41-year relationship, and I tried the internet dating scene for a bit, but each time it felt so awkward and unnatural when we actually met as we cautiously approached each other, that in the end I gave up. I guess each time the anxiousness about how to be and what to say got in the way instead of being naturally who we are and simply having fun.
How ironic what you have said here Rosie. That we assume that if we simply just be ourselves that we will be rejected. So we put on an act essentially to try to be something that will be liked. But then when this image gets rejected (probably because the other person smells a rat) we then feel rejected anyway! So trying to create this ‘picture’ clearly does not work so why do we keep doing it?
Yes very true Andrew – out of reaction from being rejected, we try to change and become someone everyone will ‘like’, but as you said it’s likely they will then smell a rat, and you are rejected again anyway!
Hi Rosie, I can really relate to what you have written. I can feel how much energy it takes to keep all these masks of the ‘what is not’ up and how complicated and exhausting it gets – and no one gets to see the real me. How much more simple, gorgeous, lovely and more fun for everyone if we learn to drop all those beliefs and simply be ourselves.
Thank you, Rosie, for your open and honest writing and for the tenderness and understanding with which you say that this is an ongoing unravelling rather than an overnight transformation. In that you set a foundation of allowing change, insuring review and encouraging questioning – all without judgement or criticism.
What a great blog Rosie. Men do all have their own photo album but it comes with the little devil and angle sitting on our shoulder whispering in our ear. One wants to be our true self by being tender and loving… but the fear of rejection and the need to hold back in case, really clouds everything. Knowing we have a photo album helps us see what we have done in the past and allow us to laugh at ourselves for the effort we put into being something we were not.
Yes and laughing at the pictures and not beating ourselves up is so much easier and kinder to ourselves.
Yes that is what I got from this too, that when we write out our pictures like you have it is ridiculous and comical – other than the fact it is so harming – but it gives us the space to be able to observe ourselves without being all tight and serious about the picture.
A very enlightening blog Rosie, a bit of a light bulb moment for me in exposing the roles that we love to play as women in relationships. I have found myself doing these things too, trying to please someone, and starting to go into the “mothering” role. Is it because we are looking for approval, wanting to be loved for the things we do because we don’t feel enough by just being who we are? What a gift Rosie, that you have the awareness to look at yourself playing these roles and realising that they are not you. I am sure that the men in our lives would rather have a true woman just being themselves, and maybe this would allow them to let go and be themselves too.
Rosie. Lovely blog. Whoever you are in a relationship with, should take you as you are. Loving, thoughtful, kind, considerate. Not looking at you as a domestic servant, who is at their beck and call, whenever they need something. It give the impression that whoever you are in that relationship with, needs to look at themselves first.
We can only be responsible for our part.
I’ve appreciated this blog, thank you Rosie – it brings awareness around losing oneself when in relationship and the trying too hard … I especially liked, “I was just being me… no one to impress, no neediness or anything, … ” This sentence is like an anchor for me, useful to assist in returning to oneself if off in the trying again!
Beautiful Rosie. I can relate to the many pictures we have of how we think how things should be, including ourselves.
How awesome simply being who we truly are, not living or aspiring to the many pictures we have about life and ourselves.
Thank you
As I read this blog I considered the relationship I have with myself – it is refreshing to reflect on how I used to be in relationship with others and that how much truer the connection with others is now as a direct result of me being more open and honest about the relationship I have with myself. In other words when I honour something I feel in my body I am open in all relationships (and the converse of ignoring something I feel closes me off to myself and others, is also true).
Thanks to Universal Medicine I am aware of so much more that I feel and know that to honour my feelings is the True way to be.
I feel that a lot of women can relate to this, trying to fit into perfect images of “how a woman should be”. As presented, the good news is that many women are aware of this and trying to change it. I suppose it must be the same for men as well? Thank you Rosie for writing this.
That is a good point you have have raised here Ryoko about men and their perfect images and how they trying to change it. It would be very interesting to read more about this as well.
Thank you, Rosie, for exposing the many ideals and beliefs we carry as women and men as to how to be or look like in a relationship. The pressure of those inner and outer expectations we impose on ourselves and others jeopardise the chance for a true and loving relationship to unfold. Becoming aware of how those ideals interfere with our true expression is, as you so beautifully pointed out, fundamental. And, it is also the only way forward in building true and harmonious relationships with ourselves and others. What a powerful reflection to simply bring the real you and not a fiction of it.
I feel all people have these pictures, branded into our consciousness like an advert jingle we heard when we were 5 but still remember when we are 80. It could be a great way to start a conversation on the first date as men have their own images and expectations. Wading through these to reach the true self so we don’t feel rejected by the false image, awesome blog Rosie.
Rosie your honest sharing on relationships was fabulous I particularly loved this “Now my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be me as a woman in relationships.” Yes this is true for me too.
I recently made a meal for myself (actually I made it for my 3 year old self, but that’s another story) and only for myself and it was so incredibly delicious it blew me away. My family ate that meal with me and it tasted so good that the next day my husband brought home the core ingredients of that meal so that I could ‘work my magic again’. Amazing what happens when we connect to ourselves and do things from that place of connection, rather than to achieve a particular effect (which is how I realise I have been cooking!). Thank you Rosie, for this blog. I feel to make my own list of ‘pictures’ and see how much deeper I can take this.
Just gorgeous Rosie, what an eye opener you have shared with us. I especially love, “it must feel kind of strange meeting a woman and seeing her as herself but then the next time that you see her she is anxious and putting on a show. It’s no wonder guys can sometimes get cold feet in a relationship with a woman and run. Maybe it’s just that they feel the falseness of the picture and say no to that. Maybe they are not interested in the “made up version” and in fact the part they liked was the real one.” Just maybe there is so much more going on when we enter into relationships than we realize – thank you for taking the time to ponder and share with us this unspoken and misunderstood side to dating.
Wunderbare Rosie – your blog is mind blowing!! What a realization: ” The hard thing was to realise that the pictures are not me; that I have taken them on so that I would fit in and belong.” AND “When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me”!!!! Now we all have to ponder on this – so how many pictures did all of us use unconsciously?? There is some work to be done . . . lets start and see what will happen to us all.
When I forget to connect to myself, mayhem reins in my head, so what gets expressed out in the world to the opposite sex can only be a hotch potch of false ideals and beliefs. My partner repeatably states he appreciates me the most when I am just being myself.
Gorgeous blog, Rosie – I could relate to so much of what you have written. It’s no wonder that I don’t know who I am sometimes when I have spent so much time creating this picture for the world. As you say, it’s no wonder people are put off by all the ‘what is not me’ – and the alternative is so simple – just be myself and everyone will know where they are.
Thank you Rosie you have reminded me of the pictures that I have been holding onto for some silly reason. Relationships bring up a lot and it is wonderful to learn more and more about yourself when you are prepared to get honest. Really honest.
“…..when you are prepared to get honest. Really honest.” Bingo, Daniel. You just hit the nail on the head. Thank you for the reminder!
So true Rosie. Thanks for being honest and shedding light on this. It is crazy that as women we do this – what is underlying this behaviour? Why do we think we are not “good enough” as we are?
Thank you Rosie for unveiling the crazy way many women, myself included, choose to live their lives by subscribing to the many pictures that form particularly when growing up. I can feel for myself that this occurred as I did not have a strong sense of me and my worth, so looking out and seeing another have or behave in a certain way seemed appealing and that I would feel better if I had or was x, y and z. Some pictures were acted on immediately and others were filed away for future use for when I was ‘grown up’. Over the years I have been inspired by Serge Benhayon to look at these ideals and beliefs and realise they are not and do not make me who I am. This has meant I have been able to let more of Me out as the false roles and behaviours drop away.
Dear Rosie,
I love what you have shared with us, I too have lived with ideals of how I should be in every roll in my life. Recently I am beginning to see the falseness of this and to also feel how absolutely exhausting this way of living is. I too am seeing the pictures for what they are and each day as more and more of these pictures are presented for me to consider, I am finding I am being offered more and more opportunities to see them as the lies they are and to loving discard them, choosing in stead the simplicity of being me.
The best person to date is the true you. All the other wants is that if they truly wish to be with you and I have found in many of my day to day interactions all I want to truly do is express the true me to them. So freeing to do this without all those pesky ‘who I should be’ thoughts!
So true, you have just confirmed to me that it doesn’t serve anyone by not being true to yourself, thank-you.
Ahhh Rosie I can so relate to this. So many times I have lost myself in relationships and couldn’t understand why I felt so much pain. Now I realise that I held such firm pictures of how I should be and what I thought was expected of me that respect, dignity and care for myself would go out the window. We can have so many pictures and not realise they are pictures and therefore false, but slowly slowly as we recognise the behaviours that are actually unnatural to us, we can start to let them go and make a change.
I can definitely relate to that Shevon; there have been times in the past where I’ve felt very underwhelmed or disappointed with an outcome or how a situation played out, without realising that the only reason I felt that way was because I had held onto certain expectations in my head.
So true Rosie, about trying to fit into an image we have taken on from examples of other women in books, on screen, and real life. (usually we only see the veneer and not what happens in the privacy of the home), and try to fit ourselves into that picture. I followed this ideal many times, and then, when I was older and had started to try and find the real me, I even used psychotherapy as a model for a relationship, and lost myself in the process. It is like a breath of freedom to give up all the pretending and start to get real.
It’s funny to read this, as I as a man have pictures of how to be to be liked by women. I can feel how lost I have got in these and how these have affect every sort of relationship with women, and men actually, as there is also a feeling that I have to compete against other men, very interesting, thank you Rosie for inspiring me to look at those pictures and ideas.
Thank you Benkt, because now I must look at those pictures in regards to how I am in relation to women… hmmmm well that should be interesting.. may even require another blog!
I like that Rosie “our part just as we are is the only part we need to play” this would be a great teaching for the classroom right from the first grade and how much more simpler life would be.
To me it has always been incredible to what extent women sometimes “put on a show” and turn themselves into something that is in no way what they really are like.
What I observe is that with the ever growing pressure of how a man has to be and look like – especially through the picture drawn by the (social) media – more and more man start to equally put on a show. It is so weird that people meet and could get along incredibly well if only they allowed themselves to be who they truly are.
Seemingly everybody pretends to be searching for true love, but the majority of people in our modern society ignore the fact the findig truth will only come through being true yourself.
I agree with what you say Michael, and it is lovely to get a man’s perspective on the subject of women in relationships, so thank-you. It appears that what men really want is women to just be themselves, without all the pretence which feels false, and ultimately doesn’t make for lasting relationships. I agree also that men are feeling more and more pressure, trying to live up to the expectations of women, who are in turn, not being themselves (there’s an irony in there somewhere). So what is it going to take for women to let go of the roles they play, be themselves, and accept themselves for who they are, then both men AND woman can breath a sigh of relief.
Good point Michael, “but the majority of people in our modern society ignore the fact that finding truth will only come through being true yourself.” I have been hooked in by those false images for so long, judging and comparing myself to this ‘impossible to achieve’ picture perfect version of a real woman! Its exhausting and demoralising. Studying with Universal Medicine has supported me to start finding out and living from the True Me, a work in progress and one I cherish everyday.
ahhh…those pesky images of how life ‘should’ be, getting in the way of how life is and could be, when we drop all that trying to be something the world wants us to be…
This is a beautiful, refreshingly honest blog Rosie. It is amazing how much a relationship or a potential for a relationship gives us the opportunity to look at our issues and evolve from them. When I started the relationship with my now wife, I was confronted by so many protections, hurts, roles, beliefs and fears that I had about what it meant to be in a relationship, many that I had been carrying since my childhood. All I can say is that in my experience it is much the same for men as it is for women. But what I have come to know is that it is such a blessing to have the potential of a relationship, as it reveals so much about us that may be unresolved and getting in the way of being who we naturally are. It shows that it is really important to be open for a potential to come along, as not only could it be the opportunity to develop a loving relationship with another and have more fun, and joy, and love in your life, but it is also an awesome opportunity to learn about ourselves and heal the things that are getting in the way that may not otherwise be brought to our attention.
What you have described here Jonathan is beautiful and I feel it applies to all our interactions with people, whether a close relationship or a stranger or even someone in between. Everyone has the potential to show us something about ourselves, to bring about a healing from their presence. Being open and allowing everyone into our hearts is the key and I have found this to be the most healing of all. Yes, it brings up so much of my old patterns and pictures but it is great to see these and realise they don’t serve me in any way. This is the beauty of people. Everyone has the potential to bring healing to us if we choose to allow it.
Thanks Jonathan, just for the record, this potential did not equate to anything as far as a relationship, but boy oh boy am I loving the lessons I have learnt and have been able to share here in this blog, which in return is providing even more lessons and aha moments as I read through all the comments. Each moment or interaction is such an opportunity.
Thanks Rosie for filling me in on the next chapter of the blog. To me this totally confirms what we are saying. How it looks in the end isn’t what is important. By being open to the potential as it felt true to you even though you didn’t know where it would lead, you were offered the opportunity for healing and evolution that wouldn’t have been there otherwise. After all a potential is just that, a potential, and it is up to us to bring all of us, not hold back, know the loving quality of relationship we deserve and not settle for any less, and take it from there. Starting a relationship will always be confronting no matter who the potential is, but we never give it a chance if we are not open in the first place.
So true, and to be honest, I have been so closed to the idea of a potential for so long because I liked the comfort of being single and not having my boat rocked so to speak. Now I can see how valuable all relationships are. I lived alone like a hermit for years and only had flat mates in the last 2 years and this has been such a great experience for me as we can mirror and learn so much from each other, so long as we are open to being aware and supporting each other.
That’s an incredible way of seeing a potential relationship Jonathan; ‘not only could it be the opportunity to develop a loving relationship with another and have more fun, and joy, and love in your life, but it is also an awesome opportunity to learn about ourselves and heal the things that are getting in the way that may not otherwise be brought to our attention’.
Thank you Jonathan this is a really beautiful sharing on relationships and how they offer us the opportunity to heal and learn more about ourselves through the reflection of another. Thank you.
Wow Rosie, thank you for sharing this. I can feel I have made also a lot of pictures of how I should be with a man. I am now in a relationship where I do not feel I need to be any like any of those pictures because what my partner loves is me. Feeling this is deeply healing of all my previous relationships where I felt I had to be smart, funny, good looking, sporty and more!
How healing to be held by a partner in this way. Feels gorgeous!
What makes me melt is when I get to experience someone else simply being real. In this moment it’s like the pictures you describe Rosie have all fallen away. Here’s to us all waking up to see the big picture – we are already everything we need to be, naturally.
I know what you mean Joseph, when you meet someone who is so comfortable in being themselves, you have to melt and also it reminds you that you can do that too.
I guess that the more I learn to let go of these pictures, by being aware of them as they show up in my mind then the more I too will be comfortable and inspire that for others to feel too.
For me too Joseph – it’s very easy to tell when someone is presenting the real them, and when they do it is absolutely gorgeous to feel.
The zero self judgment is Awesome and very inspiring!
‘When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.’
Deep down I know this but knowing it and living it requires a level of self trust I have crazily denied myself.
Awareness is the first step…and then its just a matter of just being honest and seeing it everytime it plays out… I am often not aware until after but with more and more practise I am seeing so much more than ever before.
Great article Rosie, very thought provoking. As a man I have also felt the need to measure up, that always makes for a false start to any relationship as we always eventually have to show who we are or carry a lot of stress and tension of acting who we are not. For me it’s still a work in progress to realise that who I am may actually be far preferable to an idealised image I have created in my head of what it is to be a man.
‘Who I am may actually be far preferable to an idealised image I have created in my head of what it is to be a man.’ I feel the same as a woman Stephen, I have created many images about being a certain way, that I have to be adventurous, fun, quirky etc, etc… and as I develop more love for myself I am able to more and more feel that I am enough as I am and that I don’t need to be trying all the time, trying to impress and trying to be something that I am not.
So true Stephen and Rebecca, and phew I feel exhausted just thinking about it! All that effort we put into pretending to be this and that, when in reality our real amazingness is sitting underneath all the bravado just waiting to be Felt!
Thank you Stephen, great to hear from men, on how it is for them and their pictures. Just goes to show, we all have a lot of pictures going on in our heads!
Wow Stephen that is a true sharing form a man – I love that very much. Thank you for not holding back and with that you showed that all the games did not matter in the end – it is only the possibility to let go of our own created images – so what about to let go of them right now!
Hi Rosie, your blogs rock! I know these pictures very well. They are the ones that run out of control and take you on a trip to never never land! It feels like I use these pictures to purposefully not bring all of me and use this as a way to choose a partner who will not challenge me to be the full potential and power I am! A convenient set up really to stay comfortable and in the less than. This is something that has come to light and is in my awareness as a developing process also.
Gorgeous blog Rosie, and oh so exposing of how most people live their lives, and not only women. From early on I learned that how one dressed was important, but there seemed to be a different rule book for all sorts of occasions or social groups and I never felt confident it getting it right. Thank goodness I’m so much more comfortable just being me these days, though it’s still a work in progress
Believing we are not good enough as who we are is so deeply ingrained in us. We get busy performing, trying to get close to that ideal picture – women and men, all of us (maybe not ‘all’ but pretty near to it) and the most gorgeous, beauty-full version of who we are (i.e. the real one) gets pushed to the side.
And how beautiful are we, when we stop and let the world see the REAL picture! No more pushing me aside!
I love your blog Rosie, for me it really helped explain where all this anxiety we have as a society might be coming from – everyone having a picture of how it should look, and trying to live up to it. it also helps to explain the exhaustion to, for many the perfect picture is impossible to achieve, no matter what part of life it captures, and so we are constantly pouring energy into a bottomless pit, rather than living life as it is and enjoying every moment.
You are right Rebecca, we do have a picture of how life should look and spend our lives trying to fit ourselves into it, or live up to it. This does create extraordinary stresses and stains that have become normal which we have accepted the way life is to be. You are right about trying to achieve the impossible picture and the exhaustion this creates, rather than accepting ourselves for who we are and living from there.
Great point Rebecca, with Exhaustion being one of the increasing stresses of our day, contributing to increases in illness and disease, it begs the question “what is going on?” Could it be living out all the roles we believe we have to take on are exhausting us? Wouldn’t it be great to live just one day living how we feel to instead of how we are meant to.
Thank you for sharing this Rosie. I really relate to what you share. I have tried at times to be the ‘cool girl’, ‘perfect girlfriend’ or ‘ideal woman’ and it feels absolutely repulsive. I know that when I start going in to the ‘show’ it feels like I cannot connect with people and very fake. It’s awesome to start addressing these pictures we have. Deep down I know that the woman I am, naturally and effortlessly is far lovelier than any ‘show’ I try to put on.
I know this too, but history has clearly shown me that I forget!
There is a lot in society that paints the so-called perfect picture of how a woman should be. Ultimately be true to ourselves in every moment is the only really honest way to be in any relationship. I am sure what helps bring down a mans guard is to let them see us in full – in all our glorious beauty and true essence. When offered that opportunity it is then the other persons decision as to whether that reflection is what they want – or if they’re simply not ready!
You are correct , Rosie, that men run because they do not want ‘the made up version’. However, from my experience I feel that this is on a subconscious level and the one that is the greater trigger to run, conscious or sub-conscious, is the fear of exposure and of intimacy which will result in them being rejected.
Awesome Jonathan, thank you for sharing your insight.
Rejection…. why do we all fear this so much? Is it because I just have not stopped to appreciate myself enough and I have a low level of self worth, so I wonder why would any else love me? I guess I really do have continually build my own self worth by self loving ME.
That is very revealing, thank you Jonathan. It feels so much lighter for me to consider and remember that fear of rejection can be hidden in the reaction of my partner to difficult sittuations. Awesome.
Thank you Rosie for this insightful blog. The pictures certainly create havoc in our lives when we choose them. Being more honest with myself is helping me unravel the truth of the real me and allowing the letting go of the untrue pictures.
Love it Rosie, it made me laugh too!
Laugh at myself recently wearing ridiculous shoes to ‘fit the picture’ and like you wrote, in trying to fit that ideal…I just couldn’t relax and enjoy being me 😉
I can feel your lightness and lack of self criticism despite honestly finding these little pictures you have tried to live up to, and that was a joyous healing to feel
Please laugh away, I had to laugh at myself in discovering it all and being honest. It is the best way to expose yourself and move forward … no beating myself up, no self criticism … that doesn’t help me at all.
This is a great topic, as i have noticed as well in my relationship where some days I cant decided what to wear only because I am not asking myself what I feel like wearing. I am asking myself, what do I think my partner would like to see me wearing today….So then when I wear what I ‘think he might like’ I don’t feel good in it or as confident. I recon though, he would much prefer me to wear what I want because my confidence and playfulness is much more when I do this and that’s me and that’s what he really wants. For me to be myself, as a women, making choices, based on how I feel, as me the women.
Very good point Rebekah, I am sure he would want the real you over any clothes or look.
That’s gorgeous confirmation Richard!
Gorgeous Richard, it’s lovely to hear this from you. Yes it’s very confirming as a woman to dress from how I feel rather than some kind of subtle or not so subtle imposition from the outside (and sometimes these can be very subtle). And like everything else it’s a process of reclaiming and refining to express truly the woman I am in what I wear.
I can really relate to what you’ve shared here Rosie, living up to those pictures creates so much stress and exhaustion! -something I have really been feeling lately. The part I liked the most about this blog was that distinction that the pictures are not you. While it seems crazy now to have these pictures the reality is that at some point in life I believed that these pictures were the way to be in life regardless of how they felt and feel in the body to be carried around with me and presented to others. To now have role models like Natalie Benhayon and many others sharing their accounts as you have here Rosie is pretty awesome to be able to see and read that these pictures are not us nor are they permanently stuck with us, they can be let go of by our own choice to do so. Thank you.
I can relate to that too Leigh – living up to and measuring everything we do against these ‘pictures’ and ideals can create SO much exhaustion.
Great how you describe your unraveling of all the ideals and beliefs. There are so many from obvious to transparant. I am also still in the unraveling process. It is sometimes so subtle the changes that occur when an ideal hit in. I am now practicing to express it out loud, so I debase it and can feel what it does to me ánd the relationship. Very supportive.
Hi Caroline, I think I will always be unravelling, and definitely looking out for the not so transparent ideals and beliefs. I have a big collection of them!
So true Rosie and it is a great reminder to continue to plug away at my own library of beliefs and ideals, a perpetual journey because I have grown up laced with them. What a relief to begin to relinquish all these images we feel we have to live up to and just be ourselves. The more we eject, the lighter and easier life becomes.
I too find it is a perpetual journey of unraveling and relinquishing. I find I tend to hold the beliefs and ideals as reality, until an event, an incident or a conversation prompts me to start seeing it for what it is. And as I let go of them life becomes lighter, clearer and more joyful.
The pressures we have put ourselves under as women are huge. Wanting to be everything to all people, especially a partner. I know that I am happier when I am single because there is no pressure to be all the things you have mentioned. But ultimately it is me who will put myself under pressure and fall into all these ideals. Yes they are so ingrained, but we can start to heal them by uncovering them a little at a time.
“When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.” Such a great point. We often think that we are being rejected when actually they are rejecting what is not us . Great blog Rosie
This is a great article Rosie, ‘I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not. This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that, it causes me to not be me.’ I can really relate to what you have written here, it’s crazy when you read it, it makes me aware that rather than trying to be something, a picture, an ideal that is is so much more simple to stay relaxed and just be me and do things in a way that feels natural for me and right for me.
Thanks Rosie. I am sure for us men we have similar pictures running through our minds. I know it was the same for me. Whether it was thinking, am I good looking enough, are my clothes trendy enough, when I had hair was it stylish enough, am I ‘nice’ enough, and so the list goes on. The focus was always on the outside and never how I felt inside. As you say, letting go of these pictures is and has been a process. There is more work to be done but I have found the more my confidence in myself grows, the less impact these pictures have on me.
Great blog Rosie and so true, we can accummulate quite a catalogue of pictures of who we should be, and if we don’t look like those pictures then we have failed! And I love the way you wonder how it is for the man on the receiving end, where did that woman he found attractive disappear to? Its as if we go into acting out a role in our own play and the man is now the audience. It does take time to unravel and how refreshing it is to meet a woman who is, page by page, tearing out the pictures in her catalogue to reveal who she truly is, gorgeous, tender, sexy and playful.
Hi Rosie, I can relate to having a set of ideals and beliefs of what it looks like to be a mother, wife and a woman, especially when I was younger I would feel like I was acting out how I should be in any given situation, but none of it felt real and all of it was to please the man in my life at that time. This is still an on going process as things pop up, but now I can question myself and ask why or where did that come from. Great topic Rosie, thanks.
Rosie a great blog and very relevant for men as well. Perhaps we have all these ideals of how we need to be in a relationship, what we need to do because for whatever reason we don’t accept and live the fact that we are everything simply by being ourselves. I know for me that is something that is a work in progress.
Wow, Rosie, what an honest blog about how we change ourselves, in relationships, to fit into a picture that is not even real. This is a great reminder to stay true to who we really are, whether single or not. It’s ridiculous how much pressure we can put upon ourselves, like you say: “I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not.” Thank you for the inspiration to keep it simple and stay who I am.
Hi Rosie, from a males perspective we pretty much go through the same as what women go through when starting a new relationship, a lot of self doubt and we also put high unrealistic expectations on ourselves. You are so correct when you stated that men aren’t interested in the “made up version” the one they like is the real one. Thank you for your article
You are so right about those pictures we create about, ‘how we should be’. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be something to get approval from others, rather than accepting how great we are, just as we are.
I understand what you are talking about Rosie…pictures all over the place; me as a woman, me as a partner, me as a parent or a friend. Just being me doesn’t feel enough at times. But the real me is so much more fun and profoundly loving that really the ‘fake’ me makes no sense, not to me, not to anyone around me. Your blog inspires me to take another look at my pictures, no pressure to lose them overnight, just to be playful and allowing in letting go of everything I took on from the outside that’s preventing me to just be me.
The meda bombard us with false images ‘pictures’ of how both men and women should be. It’s wonderful that you can feel in your body the falseness of them and how empowering it is for you to be living what feels true for you.
This is such an honest breakdown of relationships and the pictures we assemble when “hope” of a relationship appears on the horizon. It ought to be published in a women’s magazine so that many women and men can read it.
The line that really shook me was this one “When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.”
I had never grasped it was the picture being rejected – the picture that was never me in the first place, just an assemblage of shoulds and musts from all over the place! Never from my essence. Yet I took it personally, always. How strange that we get so hurt because people don’t like the “pretend us” we project.
A brilliant insight, that will stay with me.
I agree Rachel this is so insightful and really struck me also. I recognised and felt how many times I have chosen to feel hurt or rejection when in truth I wasn’t being genuine and was putting on an act to be accepted etc. This article really lifts the lid on the falsity that we allow to run through our relationships. Many thanks Rosie a lot to learn, ponder and unravel
This is a beautiful sharing Rosie, thank you.
You have presented much food for thought around being a woman and whatever think is being a woman.
Yes perhaps, infact quite likely that men are more interested in the real woman that the ‘made up’ one.
Thanks for sharing this with us Rosie, you are not alone – men do it too. Our own personal pictures of what it means to be a husband, a good worker, even pictures of what it means to be a man – all false and all impressed on us by society, and our own ideals and beliefs. Great to expose the un-truth – all we have to do is the easiest thing of all…..be ourselves.
Interesting Frank, the easiest thing of all…. to be ourselves… can sometimes be a challenge. Breaking down those false roles, ideals and beliefs we have so invested in can take time, but as you say great to expose the un-truth. Rosie’s blog offers a stop moment to reflect on just that.
A truthful unfoldment you have made, to open up all that you are to everyone you are with (:
It is a HUGE unfoldment you’re right Ben – being yourself with everyone you meet is quite a committment.
When I was younger, I had a firm belief that women and men should be the same. Also in the household, which caused a lot of fights with the men I knew in my life. I would easily feel abused, because the men were not educated by their parents to take on certain things. On the other hand, I wanted them to be real men, and not ‘softies’.
So I had kind of a ‘feministic’ ideal. Little did I know that I hardened myself and developed a shield to protect myself and pretend to be ‘cool’.
I am now in my fifties, still working on my ideals and beliefs around how a women should be, but at least very well on my way to honour my innate qualities and playfulness. It seems it is discarding the pictures of many, many generations.
The beauty of this is realising that the pictures inside our heads are just that ‘pictures’, and can be erased. I know from personal experience that sometimes, even with the best will in the world, I get hooked into my own pictures, start living a false life, trying to be what I am not and meet the unreal expectations I have placed on myself. This can be exhausting. Just as you said Rosie ‘I have to leave who I am naturally and put myself under a lot of pressure to be who I am not’. Connecting with our true and inner essence, brings us back to who we are naturally are. This way of being, is at the heart of the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
This is a great article Rosie and one I feel so many woman world wide will be able to relate to, it’s huge that you have opened this for discussion and so many people, I know I did until I started to attend Universal Medicine events would listen to these thoughts or feel I have to live up to this or someone else’s pictures and expectations – I’m still working on this. But what you share is rife in society the ‘idea’ for in fact it is not true, that we have to meet all theses boxes, good cook, wife, clean house, be sexy, a mother, work etc etc and even writing this never mind trying to live it is exhausting and the biggest thing it takes us so far way from our truth – being us and keeps us living in separation to our body.
Rosie, how often is it in relationships is it that ‘what you see isn’t what you get’. And for men there is also the pressure from ‘having’ to be or act in a certain way to impress a woman, until eventually it all unravels because the act can’t be sustained.
So ultimately it’s probably a lot better, and simpler, to present who you are (warts and all) without the façade, and without using that as an excuse to be lazy or slack (we need to truly present how awesome we really are!). And if they like it… great! If not… then that’s how it is. Now that would be something to aspire to.
But as you say, it certainly helps to unravel who we really are along the way.
Thank you Rosie, This is how it can be for some of us women. I too can relate to this post. I have spent the last eight years being single by choice. For me it has been a very empowering time to get to know who the real me is. I love me more and more each day !
Well Rosie you are certainly on track with the honesty, great honest blog. Being just me is so important but many situations can drag us out of just being ourselves. This still happened to me when I feel someone is more than I am, I hate it when this happen. Even though I know we are all equal, I still leave myself and it feels awful. Hence the old saying Just be yourself and it will all be alright.
I know what you mean Kevin. I noticed this the other day, as someone seemed so intelligent and academic, and I put myself as less for a bit, but then I realised that we are both equal, its just we have studied different things and we speak a different language… the difference is only in the doing and the knowing…. and under that we are just the same.
This is something that I catch myself in also at times, with comparing myself to someone being more intelligent and academic than I. Love this Rosie – “….we are both equal, its just we have studied different things and we speak a different language…” so simple and brings it back to love straight away!
For sure the feeling of being more or less than another is just an illusion that keeps us separated from one another. Relationships where there are roles played out has the same effect in removing the possibility of true intimacy by us not living who we really are.
I too have been unravelling the pictures that I have been carrying around about myself as a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a counsellor, a sister etc etc. There are so many areas of our lives where these pictures have crept in, and so many pictures to try to create. It is really quite exhausting when you look at it like this. There is a very real simplicity in just being ourselves rather than turning ourselves inside out and upside down to become someone that we are not. Crazy really.
Definitely Robyn – It takes A LOT of effort and time to match the ‘perfect’ ideals we hold in our minds, whereas to just be ourselves is rather simple – and very easy in comparison to the former.
Sweet and simple Rosie. The real us is so much better than the “anxious and putting on a show ” in relationships I agree. I still have the anxious and putting on a show type of fiscade, but thats only because I am not showing the real me. When you show the real you, I feel a lot of weight drop off my shoulders. Its fun to work with and is constantly unfolding. Thankyou for this reflection that you provide by writing about it in a blog.
Rosie, I can totally relate to that, one just has to imagine that I have ingrained those behaviours already as a little child by playing ‘Ken and Barbie in a relationship’. We as kids observe what is happening around us in the adult world and pick up what we think is the right thing to do, be or act. And all this without every being aware that it may influence our future relationships. Good you are getting aware now and unravel those things. I am on board.
Rosie, I appreciated the observation you make about the guy’s that you can understand that they sometimes can get cold feet in a relationship with a women and run because of the fact that she is living up to the pictures of how to be a ‘good’ woman in a relationship. I feel that you have a great point here and when we both women and men become more aware about these pictures we cary with us and, how these pictures do have an effect on our behaviour, we will become able to see through these falsities and connect to the true beauty we all cary within us.
Awesome blog, thank you Rosie. In the past I too have fallen for the belief that I had to create the perfect picture otherwise people would not accept me. Living with perfection is exhausting but there seems to be such a pull from society for women to be perfect and to compare with others to ensure we are keeping up to the ideals and beliefs of what the perfect women is. Perfectionism is insidious and stops us from appreciating the beauty and preciousness we naturally are. With the support of the Esoteric Healing modalities, taught by Universal Medicine, I am slowly healing my need to be perfect and becoming more of the real me.
Wow, Rosie. Great insights about how we have been or are in relationships. I can relate to all that you have shared and you have inspired me to look further into what it means to be in a relationship, how and who I am being and what pictures I am modelling myself on instead of being the real me.
I can so relate to this – “In that moment, I contract or feel less and cannot for the life of me just relax and be me…” This for me has also been within any relationships – being the perfect friend, wife, mother, having a clean and organised house, perfect kids etc etc. I have over the years pin-pointed some of these beliefs and ideals and continue to.
I can remember completely loosing myself and becoming an anxious and stressed mess when it came to anyone coming over. People would know me one way, and then meet a completely different person when they would come over to my house…. I couldn’t even hear what they were saying most of the time, (and yet I was so looking forward to seeing them) because of these pictures I was carrying. I would then feel terrible and exhausted when they would leave, as I presented a fake me the whole time and the pain of missing meeting them. How debilitating pictures, ideals and beliefs can be… it is very inspiring to read Rosie how you have and are seeing them for what they are and discarding them, knowing who you really are.
Thanks for sharing so honestly Aimee, its amazing how many different ways we all use these pictures and how debilitating they can be indeed.
Yes it does expose the roles Susan, especially when we look forward to being by ourselves again so we can drop the act! This reminds me also, of an event or meeting up with someone being built up so much that when it actually happened I was so ‘over it’ already because I had played out the dinner, meeting, holiday or outing a thousand times in my head. This is sad because not only have I created a picture of how I should be…. but also had a picture of how the others would play out their part. It also doesn’t allow for a relationship to grow or evolve.
This is so awesome everyone calling out all the different subtle and not so subtle pictures we can have. Thanks for starting it Rosie.
I had an experience several times when my daughter was an infant. I didn’t go out much other than to walk in the forest or park and spent most days at home in a very quiet rhythm of getting to know each other. When friends came to visit on mass she would scream and scream and I would become super anxious and I realised that she was not upset with the visitors but with the fact I was no longer me and she couldn’t feel me anymore. Amazing that I could be so anxious just at my friends visiting. I now understand that I was not able to just be me and let them see and feel that, rather I was feeling like I was not living up to the picture of a perfect mum.
It is true that going into relationship can be very confronting and yet it is such an opportunity. I have had several relationships throughout my life and although I was not myself before the relationship I totally lost myself even further as the relationship went on, all of my own doing of course, because I was trying to be what I thought ‘they’ wanted or what I thought a loving caring woman should be. I have been single for quite a few years now and through the love and support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I have come to know myself on a much deeper level than I ever thought possible, and I now wonder, even though I feel it would be great to have an intimate relationship with another, am I not seeking it because it it easier to be me on my own? Could I remain the self I have come to know and love and remain true to me and my needs, and at the same time find that balance where I lovingly support myself and the other equally, allowing them to do the same also. For me this has felt so scary that I am only just starting to really open myself to the possibility, so thank you Rosie for your great article, it gave me pause to stop and ponder on my own “pictures” of how it should be.
I loved this blog Rosie! You present with absolute simplicity that at some time or another we can all be caught up in a ‘picture’ or ideal or belief we should be, or think we should be, or want to be, but the problem with this is that we have to stop being ourselves to fit these. What a great reminder that so many of these ideals come from outside of ourselves and this is when we can lose sight of who we really are. The interesting thing is that it’s actually much easier and far less stressful to be who we really are, and yet we often do anything to avoid this!
Yep Rosie, you tapped the nail on the head “At some point in my life, probably when I was very young, I must have felt that the real me would be rejected and I tried to fit a picture of what I thought I should be instead”. I can certainly recognise the feeling of having the real me rejected and so then reconstructing the ‘me’ to fit what was being accepted. Now we just have to look in and uncover those beliefs and images. I loved reading your sharing on the pictures you hold and the way you are gradually exposing them one by one, very inspiring, thank you.
I’ve had that experience too – being rejected or looked down upon for choosing to live a way that feels true and supportive, and then trying to ‘fit’ a mould of how I think I should be living based on others opinions. Speaking from experience this is quite impossible to maintain.
Rosie thank you for this blog–how liberating it would be if both women and men could enjoy a relationship true without pictures of how we should or have to be? And how evolving it is to be reflected back into deeper awareness of these pictures we carry when with a partner or even when we are single, just because it does not feel true to be putting ourselves through such tension to be someone we are not. Thank you for sharing this is a constant work in progress, and there is no perfection in being real.
As a man it feels great when the woman does everything to be perfect but it is also very unsettling – what will the truth be?
Seeming perfection might be good for a short term relationship but I have always been acutely aware how not being myself builds up resentment and in my experience many relationships die from accumulated resentment.
I wonder if being perfect automatically reduces the duration of the relationship? Sometimes that may be good (“I am not ready to commit”), others it may be the opposite of what is desired.
Our marriage took a much deeper turn when I was being myself on day 3 when we first met and she really didn’t like it and said so and I fully embraced her telling me this truth – I actually loved her telling me as I was totally relieved – it was only something I did, not something I am.
Thank you Christoph, the key point in your comment and one for us all to remember:
It was only something I did, not something I am.
Thanks for sharing so honestly about doing and being rejected. And it can be so hard when we are so identified with what we do.
Yes it can feel like a crushing blow to be rejected and some of us may then become very low and give up on relationships and life. What I am realising about this rejected feeling is that I only feel it when I have already rejected being my natural beautiful self. When we allow the trying to take over or we hold onto those pictures, there is a heavy investment in how things will go and how others will react/respond to us and what we’ll get back. This can happen in all relationships. The one thing that re-orients me is developing a deeper relationship with the real me.
Hi Rosie – thank you for your revealing blog, I really enjoyed reading it and there were several ah ha moments for me also – what a great analogy – ‘picture perfect’.
The line that stood out for me was “This pressure causes anxiety and stress and worse than that it causes me not to be me.” – Interesting to ascertain where on earth that energy comes from that can so swiftly bring in that feeling of anxiety that one is not enough just as they are, and so must change to meet some nebulous level of acceptibility – amazing isn’t it that we can actually choose to take that route – or not.
Ha ha Rosie, what you write is so true I had to laugh, but really we should cry. Of course men have the same thing going on, probably think they have to be strong, breadwinner etc etc – the message seems to be for everyone to be everything other than who they truly are. How sick is that and also how crazy because there is nothing more gorgeous than us being ourselves.
So true Nicola. So if both men and women are conforming to ideals, roles and pictures of what we think we should be or what the relationship should be, is it any wonder we have all the issues we do in our relationships.
I was visiting a place of work recently and there was a big poster up saying, “if you are not being you then who are you? it seems that in relationships and in life we play out our roles and loose ourselves in the process. Isn’t that the worst kind of loss there is?
And if men have it going on, and women too, we meet as two people trying to be someone else and not themselves and some spend a whole lifetime in marriages never ever allowing themselves to be themselves in case they won’t be loved, so then they live a life of lies. How sad is that.
How sadly true that is Rosie to be living in a lie. Thank you for your awesome blog. I know that I stayed out of a relationship with another for years to avoid taking on the ‘picture perfect play’.
However, I am now in relationship again and I realise one must be ever aware, open, honest and vigilant because the pictures never stop coming. The good thing is that in my new relationship we have agreed to be each others ‘picture spotter’ and we talk about what’s at play when issues occur, to see if it’s real or not. This agreement and commitment to each other has been so awesome as we can both remind each other of our blind spots. It’s wonderful to connect deeply in a true commitment to love and truth with ourselves and another. This is what I asked for when I put myself out there again and this is what I received. To give the blessing of the true me to another while I enjoy the blessing of who he truly is to me.
Irena, sounds like you have the ultimate type of relationship, one in which you evolve together – a ‘true blessing’ as you say. It’s beautiful to read about your’s and Rosie’s experiences.
Rosie this is so true. I know many couples like this and also long-term friendships. I know I have attempted to live an idealised verson of myself that created so much stress in the relationship. I’ve experienced partners trying to live up to ideals even when I said it doesn’t matter. And yet, I’ve also insisted they live up to my idealised version of a partner. It’s sad and crazy!
That’s so true Karin, as well as a picture of how we thinks we should be, we also have a picture of how our partners should be and cause problems trying to make them fit our image. It is so crazy when we really examine how we are in some relationships. Imagine just being yourself 100% of the time and allowing other to be themselves too without any demand? Working on that one.
So right Nicola. Women and men are busy painting pictures of what they think they are meant to be, and the feeding back from one to another perpetuates the whole scam. The woman paints a picture, seeking a man who fits into the picture, the man tries to paint a picture of himself that fits into the picture the woman projects to him, or vise-versa…it has to be broken somewhere along the line, or it just builds into one big illusion, with no one being themselves, how awful is that. Thanks Sandra for bringing this up and presenting the possibility of breaking this process.
I agree Nicola, it is crazy that we are not all ourselves. We would save a lot of time and energy if we were!
And this not being who we really are may just be the very cause of why we do get sick.
I totally love what you have shared here Nicola. Men and women are in fact equally bombarded by the roles and expectations of society on how to be the perfect man or women but in truth we are all imperfect. Accepting that we are imperfect allows us the grace to grow and learn from these imperfections and to realise that our true strength is actually being ourselves, imperfections and all.
Yes, Suse being our true-self, imperfections and all is where it is at and that is also why we have relationships, so that we get reflections and can be inspired and supported by others in the areas where we are imperfect. Together, we can then be amazing.
Great that you are writing about this Rosie, I have begun to realise over the last 6 months how many pictures I have painted of how I thought I should be in life. and how exhausting they are. I was continually trying to live up to these pictures that weren’t me but ones I had created to be liked and recognised, believing that I was never enough just being me. Once I began to realise these pictures weren’t me and that I did not need to strive to be perfect I have been able to see them for what they are and let them go.
Beautiful Rosie, and so true, I can completely relate. We all carry round pictures of how we think life should be, and trying to live up to them causes a lot of stress and anxiousness, and stops people from seeing who they really are.
We call people without sight ‘impaired’ but what a prison we live in when we consider ourselves full-sighted but are made blind by these beliefs.
What a quote Josheph! I love what you have written and shared here.
So true.
I loved your blog Rosie and so agree with you about joseph’s quote, it is a definite pearl.
Beautifully expressed Joseph. And what a prison it is.
Yes, Joseph! It is an epidemic of blindness while we act as if we can see.
What you share is absolutely true Joseph. Our prison is our own inability to see, feel and appreciate our own totally awesome qualities beyond the ideals, beliefs and unrealistic societal constructs and pictures of how we think we should be and look. How crazy is that.
I totally relate to what you have presented Rosie. In my past relationships I have adjusted myself to suit the partner of the time, sometimes to the extreme until there was not much of me left. It has been a long time since opening myself to a relationship and I wonder, now that I have connected to me if I would still allow those “pictures” to enter and take me away from me. Knowing now that I have a choice in all I do, I would hope to choose not.
Irene, I can so relate to this: “In my past relationships I have adjusted myself to suit the partner of the time, sometimes to the extreme until there was not much of me left”. And then when the relationships ended there definitely was not much of me left. And so the re-building of me would begin again, tainted by the experience of the previous relationship, and so the cycle would continue. With the wisdom and common sense presented to me by Serge Benhayon, Natalie Benhayon and others, I am now learning to claim all of me, and know that my next relationship will have all of me in it.
Thank-you Rosie, for your post has given me the opportunity what to recognise about myself. How I also can go into what I should do or not do or say, when I am trying to impress someone, which then isn’t the real me. Is it possible that that reflects I don’t feel enough the way I am and it is about accepting and loving myself first and recognising how being my true self, I am being more honest and open and give the opportunity for that person to feel safe enough to be more open and their true self with me.
Thanks for sharing with us Deidre, it’s amazing what we do and say to impress or put on a show, when really it’s so simple and lovely to just be who we are!
So true Katherine and Deidre, and it feels just so solid when we are just ourselves, it is joy-full to just be. And really lovely when those around us can then be themselves too.
For me, I can often feel when someone is putting on a picture or “trying” and it hurts me, and at times frustrates me because all I want is the real deal.
This is such a true point for me too Rosie. I feel the hurt and sadness behind it and wonder why others are not being real. Not taking into consideration that I too can fall into the trap of acting the same at times. A great blog.
Yes, we recognise it because we have lived and done that too.. its just like a mirror.
I have had to accept that even when I think I am being myself I later come to realise that I haven’t been myself at all. That there are more pictures, ideal, beliefs and roles that I have been playing. The depth to which we have lost ourselves and our way can at times seem endless. And yet to stop the charade and the struggle and complication can be very simple. We just have to let go and feel that who we truly are is inside us just waiting to come out.
What great awareness Rosie, to feel how limiting are these ideals of the perfect woman that we have been bombarded with. The loving and honest relationship you are building with yourself is inspiring.
Bernadette when we take a look at a “perfect woman” I am sure that most men will have a different idea of what a “perfect woman” would be from the woman herself. It’s very unlikely men are actually looking for a “perfect woman” instead my feeling is that deep down they are looking for someone where they feel safe and are able to trust so they can open up the great tenderness we, as men, feel inside. So perhaps as Rosie has shared the makeup, shoes, clothes are not what its really about – simply what the magazines make women feel they need to be and men in turn toe the lie to.
Thanks for sharing from a man’s perspective David – great insight.
Awesome, powerful sharing there David. Thank you.
When men friends of mine are tender around me, it melts me. It is so beautiful to be around. I don’t mean this from a sexual perspective at all. For me it just seems that when I am around a man who is tender and loving, I too then feel very safe to just be me.
Which makes me think about how we both love that reflection, of each other being themselves…. but we sometimes get caught up waiting for the other to be that reflection first.
Very true, David. I would add that at other times, men (and women) can also seek out a partner who does not bring out who they truly are and reinforces the ‘perfect picture’ of who they think that they are supposed to be. This just helps to bury even further their true self who is, as you say, immensely tender and caring.
Good point Naren. That is such a shame, like a settling for less in a way.
I also have often felt ‘less than’ who I really am in relationships because I have been ‘ needy’ looking for love to come from outside of myself. I guess when the time comes that we can completely accept ourselves and love ourselves enough just for being who we are, we’ll realise we are really worthy of being cherished and we’ll feel that and be confident to be ourselves.
And the big difference now is that we are open and honest enough and we are aware.
Dear Rosie, what a great little blog to write and perfect timing as I am starting to open myself up to being in relationship with a man again and I have been aware of a little bit of craziness within me also. I haven’t really stopped and considered what was going on, but I wasn’t as loving to myself and what this has highlighted is that it is my stuff coming up around being in a relationship that I haven’t been wanting to look at. So now I can start to go through all the pictures that are not me. One of my big ones is that my body has to look a certain way before a man would want to be with me, and another is that I have to have money and be successful. I realise that I have put so many conditions on myself that it is no wonder that I have being single for so long. I also just realised that I would accept much much less from the man and this also highlights another issue for me and that is not waiting for the constellated love and settling for a man that is not going where I am going.
That’s really honest sharing, Simone. I can recognise in myself all the falsely created pictures I have made with all the conditions, expectations and most of all ‘settling for less’. I am learning day by day the power and strength I hold that goes hand in hand with vulnerability, tenderness and sensitivity. As I accept myself more deeply within, then it becomes harder to accept being less and the boxes I have put myself in are breaking down.
You being you, is so much more valuable than any amount of money Simone!
It is funny that as soon as a potential partner comes into our life everything else seems to go out the window! I wonder why this is? Feeling into this, for me, I feel it is lack of self worth … still! Because if I had this then no matter what else was going on in my life my love for me and consistency with this would stay the same.
Yes, that could be a big part of it Vicky.
I love what you bring up here Rosie and can feel that I have gone through the very same process – many times – of trying to be a certain way to attract someone. What I’m coming to realise is how exhausting it is trying to keep up the ‘picture’ and how would I maintain it if a relationship were to come of it? Doesn’t feel like a very good foundation to start building a relationship upon! As you say, time to start discarding the pictures and to just be ourselves.
I agree Melissa, and it explains why so many people feel that there partners are not the same person they first started dating, probably because it is impossible to maintain a picture forever, and eventually it slips back to how you are when your not ‘putting it on’, But what if there was someone who would love you completely for who you are, not the picture you try to be.
Great point Rebecca
Rebecca, I love it, how gorgeous that would be, however you are.
I agree Rebecca. And that person is well worth waiting for- remembering also that we can be that person for ourselves too.
That is very important Johanna, I would even say that we should be that person to ourselves first. This makes it possible to go into a relationship without a need.
Yes, it has to start with our self first and foremost.
So True Rebecca,
How exhausting… and isn’t funny that pictures become stale and fade with time…
Why try to keep up a false image that is such a flat and limited version of a woman… when we could instead be the real and whole us – rich, multidimensional, and forever developing and blossoming.
Once or twice I have come across an ordinary couple like that Rebecca. I particularly remember an old couple I used to visit in my work. She was recovering from a stroke, very dependent on carers but when her husband looked at her, you could see that he loved her completely for who she was, and she him. It was one of the most beautiful things I ever saw, and still moves me.
So true Rebecca. When people are first dating, they are often on what I refer to as their best behaviour – they fit the picture the other person has but over time that can’t be maintained because it’s not actually real. So when the person starts to let that image slide, dissatisfaction comes in on both sides…how often do we hear ‘that’s not the man/woman I married?’.
It really does show the level of exhaustion and one of the factors that adds to this. It makes complete sense that if you are striving to be what you think you need to be rather than being yourself it’s going to have an effect on your body and being.
I too could see the pictures of the false ideal, Rosie, and in my youth that ideal was blasted at us from society, school, family, TV and women’s magazines as vigorously as it was for you and still is today. I grew up with pictures of physically beautiful demure women, made up and dressed up even to do the dirtiest work, perfect house, perfect children, perfect cooking, looking sexy and fresh after a hard day’s housework and child-rearing, submissive and available to the man when he got home from work…. And saw the women of my family who were unable to be like that, being beaten and abused. Boy I rebelled! This picture was so not the essential me and I wasn’t going to comply! “When the picture gets rejected I think it‘s me and do not realise that it is just the picture or a false ideal.” My picture got rejected because I did not even try to fit the ideal. But of course I took that personally: I am weird, ugly, abnormal, a misfit, something wrong with me, etc. I came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter anyway because I did not want to marry or become a mother and housewife (read ‘house-slave/sex slave/baby slave’ because that’s how it was in my neighbourhood). So along came relationships, and I had a bit of the opposite: the tension came from me NOT fitting the ideal, which my partners expected me to fit. So whether you comply or don’t comply with the ideal picture of how women should be in relationships, It’s going to ‘get you’ and put pressure to not be you. I could say as you do Rosie, that now my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be…. me as the woman I am in relationship. Just with a lot more tenderness, fragility and self-awareness than before.
Hi Diane, I have to sit and wonder after reading your comment, have I at times gone to the opposite extreme of the “picture”, ideal or belief as a way of rebellion, which is still not me, at all.
If you push something too hard it will spring in the opposite direction. I guess many of we women experienced this as a result of being pushed to conform to a particular picture of womanhood, and as you say, Rosie, the rebellious opposite is not our true selves either. All it does is shows that there’s a problem with the way things are, but the solution comes in letting go of both untrue extreme pictures and being ourselves in all our glory.
Dianne that’s interesting “If you push something too hard it will spring in the opposite direction.” Then we go to another set of pictures that are not our true reflection either. It seems we have a strategy for deflecting our own natural picture… There is an automatic tension the causes an instant reaction and until we heal our own deep trust and self love we don’t have the connection within ourselves to have that relationship with another.
Thanks Diane, I love the words “my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be…. me”. This is a beautiful process to commit to, and even though it is something we can only do for ourselves, I feel so supported by the Universal Medicine practitioners every step of the way in re-discovering who I truly am.
Thank you Diane, what you have shared adds another piece to the reasons for the mess we are in as women. I can relate to what you have said and even though I strived for perfection as a mother and wife because of a picture. There were also times when I thought there was something wrong when I couldn’t comply to how I thought it should be! In this, more webs are woven so yes now I am learning too “my process is to unravel the what is not me, so that I can be…. me as the woman I am…”
Rosie, what a gift to start a relationship with this honesty about all the ideals and believes around how a woman should look and behave in a relationship. To recognise all the pictures one by one as not being you but something you have taken on and to feel the love that you are.
Thanks Rosie. You have really reminded me to take more notice of everytime I slip into being what I think I should be. I’m also starting to realise that when people commend me on certain things that I have a natural knack for, I start to feel as though I need to then fit into a picture society has created in order to keep my ability, or natural expression up. I then get anxious about not being able to maintain that picture, which leads to self doubt about what that person saw in me in the first place, which then starts a whole internal dialogue…which is exhausting…because what I’m not paying attention to is the fact that there is nothing to prove, and nothing to ‘keep up’. I’m just being me when I’m naturally doing what I do without the need to be something.
Trying to be something we’re not is very very sneaky…..it is creeps in when we’re not looking.
Thank you Elodie. I love your comment about taking “more notice of everytime I slip into being what I think I should be”. I am becoming more aware of how dishonouring and debasing it is to try and be something I am not, and feel the importance of coming back to myself and appreciating the true qualities that make me who I am.
Lovely expressed Janet, I so agree and am particularly drawn to your very loving sentence – “… feel the importance of coming back to myself and appreciating the true qualities that make me who I am.” This is a great pointer and helps me to reconnect every time when I have gotten a bit ‘off track’.
Hi Shirley, I wonder, is the thought of having your mum alongside you to show you a way also a picture? I know for myself, I have many ideals how certain people should or should not have been in my life and they too are all based on pictures in my head.
I can totally relate Elodie. It’s hard work not being us and very simple, flowing and harmonious when we are ourselves with out any trying.
At times I have caught myself being the biggest judge toward myself- and then I remind myself to just be.
And I know for myself that I am the biggest critique and also the hardest judge. It is so exhausting.
I agree Rosie, so exhausting to be critical and judging of ourselves. Our honesty is key to getting us out of this one and back to loving ourselves in the knowing that we are most definitely enough when we allow ourselves to be who we truly are.
I just read your response, and realise the importance therefore of not judging others! Something that I am still working on. To be honest, after being a pro at judging myself, I feel that I must have done this over and over to others and that just has to change! It is time I also just allow others to be who they are no matter what chioice they make.
I just read your comment from last year Elodie and I so get what you mean. Its like when we get recognized for one thing, we then have to keep up all the pictures around that to keep the recognition or to gain more and it all stems from not appreciating that we are already enough.
This is gold Rosie!! I know what you have written so well… And for me, it doesn’t limit itself to how I am with men – I’ve seen it play out at work, in friendships, with my family… The tension this creates in my body – and the sadness I feel – is just not worth it.
Great point Brooke, we have pictures everywhere. I have held the super woman, single parent one and the perfect parent to name 2 of a long list. Imagine the pictures I created for my daughter while expecting her to be a certain way because of the ideals and beliefs I hold onto. I can’t thank Esoteric Women’s Health and Universal Medicine enough for bringing to my awareness that all of it is false.
You speak for me to Brooke, it is so true it really is not worth it. This kind of unessessary pressure can come into any form of relationship if we allow it to.
I know this tension well that you mention Brooke, and have morphed myself into what I felt others wanted me to be – with friends, at work, everywhere. I used to observe how I was different with different people. That has changed a lot over the past few years and is still changing as I accept myself more and allow others to see me.
Great point about acceptance Sandra! I’ve just realised that, when communicating with some people I completely change and even listening to myself feels yuk but I keep doing it. This I feel is a great tool when I next feel myself change and start acting in a way that is not me, to ask myself ‘what am I not accepting about myself now?’ and also ‘what am I not appreciating about myself or the other person?’ Great food for thought here… thank you
Beautiful Sandra, if I accept myself as I am, then there is no need to be anything else for anyone else to like.
Yes the tension, and so much tension that we can’t even see where or what the cause of the tension is at times, or because we have been living with so many pictures we don’t know or understand where each bit of tension actually stems from! Bit by bit, step by step we can however unravel it all with patience and will to go there and expose all the pictures we have been creating and living with.
Thank you Rosie, this has allowed me to ponder on the pictures I have relied upon during my life and how they are just ideals but not real or the truth about life.
As women we seem to take on so many ideals and beliefs. From a young age we are confronted with these ‘pictures’ that you mention, by the media, our family and friends, and other ‘role models’. We are not encouraged to just be who we are, but to seek perfection in numerous roles – good daughter, good student, great Mum or potential Mum, competent cook, etc. The perfection-seeking further highlights to ourselves that we are ‘never enough’. How amazing that you are able to see these ‘pictures’ for what they are and discard them – how truly freeing.
Wouldn’t it be great if we started out knowing we are enough just as we are. That there is no need to be anything else and that there is no need for perfection or comparison, as there is no need to try to be like someone else. Our part, just as we are, is the only part we need to play.
Wow, you expose great stuff, Rosie. In your words I can feel the natural joy in me being a woman. We really don’t have to stick to our belief patterns and ideals. Letting drop these something totally different reveals than what I thought a woman should be until now. I had the feeling this morning walking down the street how we are all connected as human beings but still think in separation because we cannot see the truth. But feeling this connection with everybody I feel the natural me, the natural woman in me and this feels so joyful.
Beautifully expressed Kerstin and Rosie. I agree – to be a woman is so much more than I thought what it is to be a woman. The pictures I had were like: the woman as a wife, loving to shop, looking feminine or being a mum. What I now feel what it is to be a woman is totally different and so much more grander than the roles I thought would define a woman. It is a joy to be a woman indeed.
Totally Lieke, to actually feel the true power of the woman when being a woman, is completely inspiring. I agree it is a gorgeous joy to be woman. I used to subconsciously consider and live with the deeply ingrained belief or hindrance that ‘being a woman’ was second best, of less importance to a man, and in need of (his) help to get to places or secure stations in life and be complete as a woman. But when we see and accept the majesty of us as a great woman with the enormous capacity to love so deeply, tenderly and wisely, we realise the gross error and injustice of this, and just how far we have been used to the suppression of our/a woman’s strength and glory from being seen, enjoyed and inspired by. A woman who lives her truth is worth everything, the same as a man living his own (truth). The two together – WOW. Heaven.
Gorgeous Lieke. As I let go of all of the pictures I have held about being a woman I can feel myself blossoming and re-connecting to what was there all along – my power, tenderness, strength, grace etc These qualities do not need any pictures as they are in me, they are in all women.
Yes, nothing to try to be, but more of a surrendering and an allowing of who we naturally are.
Yes Rosie, this is what should be in the school curriculum. What a different place it would be.
Absolutely, for girls and boys.
You make a good point here Kirsten as boys are affected just as much as girls by the pressure to live up to ideals, self-imposed or somebody else’s. To live as our natural selves is like a breath of good, clean fresh air.
Fully agree – for boys and girls, and every man and women too- how wonderful when we can just be our true selves.
I agree Shevon and Kirsten, there is a pressure for both boys and girls to live up to certain role models or ideal and beliefs of how we should be as either gender.
One day Rosie this will happen. In fact, it’s started already, there are many families already bringing up their children this way, just being themselves. Once this gathers momentum, then by their example, everyone will feel it, and what a wonderful world that would be.
Exactly the momentum just needs to filter through and it’s just matter of time.
Absolutely Sandra there are people who are starting to make changes to their lives and raise children who also know them selves before they learn what society wants them to be.
This is so amazing Hannah – I love this: “there are People who are starting to make changes to their lives and raise children who also know them selves before they learn what Society wants them to be.”
A wonderful and joyful world it will be. Returning to our natural designed way of being and letting go of all the stress, ideals and belief it will be a very different world to live in indeed.
Yes, Rosie, it would be great. And it is getting better already because you and other women start realizing the falseness of those pictures, ideals and beliefs, start sharing, talking about it. It might be that the next generation of women will be different, being more connected to themselves, knowing more about intimacy and about how to be a woman-in relationship with a partner or with herself- because of your expression.
Thanks Elena, it really does make a difference when we speak up, share our realisations and inspire each other.. even when we speak up and get it wrong so to speak, as it gives us the perfect opportunity to learn so there in no wrong afterall… just forever learning.
I agree Rosie and this can be reality if women of all ages right now make the changes so that there will be more and more true role models for the next generations, and so that we do not impose our own ideals and beliefs on young girls as mothers, aunties, teachers, grandmothers etc. We can make a huge difference right now just by changing our own way of being, as you have Rosie.
This gives me goosebumps, the power in all of us being our true selves and role modelling that! oh yeah!
Yes, I too feel the power in this. Being the real me and not the made up version – I can feel a huge weight drop from my body as I type this. There is simply no trying in this, but at the same time has the potential to be deeply inspiring and transformative for other women by observing this way of being with ourselves. True role modelling.
Absolutely Rosie, there is much power when we claim ourselves and live the natural woman with in.
Yes Carolien those impositions are key to letting go of what is not us and as you say if we start with ourselves and just allow ourselves to be this is a great reflection for the young and it feels amazing.
I have only recently caught a glimpse of the natural power that is within every woman; I think if I was able to see a woman’s full power, I would not be able to comprehend what I was seeing, such is the magnitude of her power.
I am loving reading all of these comments about true role models and about you all – very gorgeous and powerful women.
And whether one has an understanding, committed partner who does not run away and allows for the awareness and the letting go of all those ideals, or one does it on our own being single, it is certainly something to look at and gradually allow to leave as it does not belong to the true yummy woman that I am.
‘We are enough just as we are’. What a short title phrase, and yet oh my, what power. I am contemplating how different my life, and the lives of others, would be if this was known and accepted in full, without exception .
Indeed Catherine what very powerful words
Thank you for the gentle reminder that we are enough just as we are
Yes Shirley- Ann I AM – YOU ARE and EVERYONE is enough!
Absolutely Catherine, “we are enough just as we are”. It is a matter of accepting this within ourselves, to fully claim this and to cut any thoughts that pertain any different and to live in a way that honours that we are already enough.
This phrase is so Power-FULL. To know and live that we are indeed all that we need to be and nothing else is wanted or needed is such a freeing acceptance.
Rosie this is exactly what is missing in our up bringings and today nearly 40yrs old I still see this creeping in and having a control over me. Accepting that I am enough is key to letting this go.
Yes what a wonderful world and we can, I can live today when I choose to accept myself as I am, in all my beauty and glory.
Rosie this is perfect and timely for me right now.
What is perfect Kelly? What have you discovered? Share.. you may inspire us all.
Yes Rosie its crazy to twist and morph ourselves into people we think we need to be when we are in a relationship not even with others around us but our own relationship with us too. I feel a real sense of freedom and so much joy to know that to be ourselves is the best gift we can give.
Yes, it is the best gift we can give to ourselves and to others – to just be ourselves. I love being around people who have claimed this for themselves. They are solid and a joy to be around.
The constant reminder that ‘I am never enough’ only seems to really bite me when I am invested in a certain relationship or outcome. Then I can use a certain picture, strategy or doing to try and ensure that I can get it or keep it. As soon as the comparison kicks in in this process I am now longer connected to my true essence as a woman and in the struggle of life.
Superb post Rosie and I have found this too Jenny – my attachment to certain relationships and outcomes has been behind many of my behaviours that are both demeaning and dishonouring of the woman I am . When I looked at what was underneath and driving the attachment I realised I was rejecting myself before any man could reject me. I also found it empowering to consider there is nothing a man can give me that I can’t give myself, this helps to loosen the hold the attachment has over me and made me more available for me to be me. As you say Rosie – it is worth exploring the false beliefs that keep us from being our natural lovely selves.
You would reject yourself before any man would reject you is a strong and powerful statement…. which I feel that I can do with any relationship. Not so much these days, but it still does happen.
You speak such relatable honesty Deanne when you share: “I was rejecting myself before any man could reject me”, and so too the truth of the reverse when it comes to love, and why when the love of self precedes, it gorgeously returns to infuse relationships.
Yes, very true…. those nasty expectations and ideals and beliefs again!
Yes I totally agree Carmin. It is amazing how Rosie recognises these ideals around being a woman, how she is discarding them and how she knows that it’s all part of the process.
It’s really great that Rosie has written this blog as it helps all of us to see that who we think we are may not be WHO WE ARE. Because we have taken on so many pictures of who and how we should be, we can be blind to even seeing that that’s what’s going on and accept that “That’s just who we are”. It has taken me a long time to even be open to the fact that a lot of the ways I force myself to be – polite, be tough, be nice (just a few), are not honest expressions of how I feel to be in the moment. Reading this blog is a great reminder that when we’re not trying to be anything who we naturally are comes out. We all have that within us and we intrinsically know what it means just to be.
A friend payed me a huge compliment the other day. I was making a joke about myself and she said ‘you’re just you’. Made me stop and realise that I have (almost) dropped the pretence of trying to be someone I am not.
Love this Mary! True for me too.
Well said Mary, not being me is extremely tiring. Letting go, stopping any trying and not needing anyone to like me, (although sometimes difficult to break this one, I find) makes so much sense and feels a lot better.
Shevon I hear you loud and lovingly clear. Allowing ourselves to just be is definitely within us all.
Great reminder Shevon,
When we stop ‘trying’ to be something, our natural selves can come out. I find ironically that this “NOT trying” is one of my biggest challenges!
I appreciate Rosie’s account as it reminds me to keep on the self honesty.
I agree Mary, all this trying is just exhausting and from what I’ve witnessed, causes many women to just give up. Which is sad as there is so much beauty each and everyone of us has to share.
Great point Mary. Trying to be something or someone I am not is exhausting. Learning to let go of all the pictures of the ‘ideal’ woman pinned to the inside of my mind and enjoying being who I am is much more fun and more self-loving way to be.
Sometimes it feels to me as if I am in a masquerade, a carnival and I’m trying to be the best, impress others and myself with my disguise. How can I possibly meet others and myself while hiding behind a mask?
What a great way of describing it Patricia! The masquerade.
When you write it like that Mary it sounds so ridiculous. When we are not ourselves it feels awful, it is tiring, exhausting and downright uncomfortable. We couldn’t be given more signs that we are not being ourselves. And when we are ourselves there is a loveliness that is felt that says in an instant – that is you.
I completely agree Carmin, the age at which we digest these images, expectations and roles is so young, and can really set us up for a life of striving for a perfection we can never meet and so never being satisfied or feeling fulfilled.
We don’t realise we digest these images and expectations, often at a very young age. A lot of it depends on the environment and the people we are around. As we learn from our environment and create what life should be like in our minds.
I agree Amita from all the experiences we grow up with at home, in school and with friends we create an ideal of what the perfect woman should be without realising all we need to be is ourselves. Crazy.
This is true Carmin. When I first started to reconnect to me and me as a women, it felt tricky because I kept asking ‘What is a true woman?’
I felt like I was in limbo for a while stuck between what and everything I was told and had seen a woman to be and the knowing of what a true woman feels like.
Thank god for the blessing and support of the woman at esoteric women’s group and Natalie Benhayon for the beautiful reflection of true women.
I too have felt this way Johanna – not really knowing what a true woman is for me. But as I am more and more inspired by all the beautiful role models I have in my life, I am starting to understand what it means for me.
Me as well Hannah, both through the reflection of other women living more truly, and through connecting to me as I am naturally. As I am a woman already, I need only be my natural self and I am living a true woman. I love this blog because Rosie is getting in there and exposing another area (relationships) where we stop being our natural self and start trying to fit the picture. I too am unraveling these pictures so that I can let myself breathe again as me.
This ideal of a woman needing to be perfect in everything she does to seek approval, gain recognition, be accepted by others in certain cultures is huge! It puts so much unnecessary burden on ourselves, leading to stress, excess nervous energy, suppressed anger, resentment – highlighting you are “never enough”, as Carmin you have raised.
But if we were taught that we were enough from little just by being ourselves, how different would that little child grow up to be a very confident, empowered, and joyous , tender woman.
Loretta the contrast between the two women you have described is enormous. I know which one I am choosing.
Wouldn’t it be great if we started out knowing we are enough just as we are. That there is no need to be anything else and that there is no need for perfection or comparison, as there is no need to try to be like someone else. Our part, just as we are, is the only part we need to play.
Yes, it is up to us as parents, adults and role models to give this back to our children from a young age, and the truest way to do this is to live it ourselves first. Then they will feel the truth of it as we share it in our words. I am a parent of three amazing children, and I can tell them a million times over, just be yourself – you are enough, more then enough in fact – you are heavenly. And indeed this I do share with them, however they can read every bit of energy in me, and so my focus is to always be working on the depth of love I hold for myself. As this builds, they will then feel the truth in my words, and in me.
Yes, and what I know to be true to me is that if a doctor smokes and drinks and tries to tell me to live in a healthy way, I find it really hard to respect or listen to his advice as he is not a living example. On the other hand, when someone lives it and then shares it, I find it really easy to listen to and digest.
So true, we only need to play our part and then to inspire others to play their part.
It is crazy how as a women we take on so many ideals and beliefs and seeking perfection. How it really deepens that believe of not being good enough. So many of us have got caught in this, I know I have and it has taken over my life for a long time. But now I know the difference and have been able to make choices to free myself from these ideas and beliefs. I no longer seek perfection, how freeing this is.
I agree Amita, when we no longer subscribe to the ideal and belief that we need to be perfect to be accepted and loved by others, this is so liberating. Knowing and feeling that we are enough is so important.