I am going to share my personal experience of my unfolding relationship with my sexuality as a woman – from the experience of using my body and sex in a way that held me forever running in circles, to now, as I re-learn that I am indeed a woman with choice.
From my very first experience of having sex, I went about this not really wanting it to occur, but not knowing how to ask for anything different. I remember saying to my boyfriend at the time, ‘Whatever happens, I don’t want to have sex with you tonight’. Now I have lost count of how many times I have said this in my life, still with the experience of sex occurring.
This is in no way to blame the men I refer to – in fact it comes with the realisation that this choice has been mine all along. As much as I have played victim and felt like I have been used, I can now see far beyond this – and what a vision this is.
What I can see is that yes, it has been a two way street (as it takes two to tango), but in fact, I feel as though I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I haven’t known how to deal with otherwise.
The reason I am sharing this is that recently I have had the perfect opportunity to repeat this old behavior, and for the first time in my life, I don’t want to, so I have made a different choice.
As soon as I felt myself make this choice to honour myself and take full responsibility for how I am with my body and with sex, it was as though a light shone on this entire aspect of my life. I have seen that as much as I have played victim in this, I in fact have been using another, as well as myself.
I can feel that in doing what I have always done, I am saying to myself and the other person: ‘Yeah this’ll do, we’re not really worth real love anyway so let’s get it on and get it over with’.
This is just crazy.
I love that I can now see this and not be in continual reaction to my old behaviours, which involved beating myself up for doing what I knew wasn’t good for me, then losing myself in a myriad of confusion and emotions… what a spiral.
I also love that this realisation has simply come up from within my body, from an emerging respect I am feeling for myself, and for all others. I am actually feeling myself take another person’s feelings into consideration and with this I can feel that naturally I am responsible for my actions and how my actions then affect others. I can feel the fact that I deeply care for people, and that I do not want to hurt another person.
This is so beautiful as I can also hear in this that I do not want to hurt me. I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.
Thus, fellow brothers, no longer do I want to use you, to project my hurts onto you, to bury my sadness into you, nor do I want to allow myself to be a vessel for another to use me in such a way, not because I am better or worse, but simply because I am love and now the love within me is beginning to show me what I am truly made of and who I truly am – who we all truly are.
I want to meet this love head on, say ‘Hello’ and welcome what love has come to teach me and move forward with this. Until now it has been so easy to hold back, pull the reins, play the games, spinning round and round, but now that I know otherwise it is up to me to live this. I am, a woman with a choice.
By Anonymous
Further Reading:
Sex vs Making Love – Is There A Difference?
Sex, Drugs… and Making Love
A Letter To My 13 Year Old Self
829 Comments
I had a really interesting experience recently while sitting in a restaurant with friends. I realized I was watching an out play in energy and the couple just seemed to be puppets of the energy that was being used through them. It was quite bizarre to watch this happening because if I take this further that means that we are all being dictated to by energy that for the most part is unseen and we are just like puppets being used. We think it is us making the choices but from my recent experience I have to now question, is it?
Anonymous one of the beautiful things about reading your blog is that through your writing I get to feel the love that you are and hence the love that we all are. The transference of love, how incredible is that?
As a man finding that when we surrender to our body and listen to what it is telling us then in no way would we ever invade a woman’s body to have sex but as has been shared in this blog and comments that making Love is absolutely Amazing.
‘Invade a woman’s body’ Greg what a brilliant use of words to describe what having sex can be like sometimes but as Anonymous has shared ‘it’s a two way street’, we women can and do at times not only allow the invasion to take place but actively invite it in.
We all have choices, how lovely that you are now making choices to honour yourself and the love that you are, ‘I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’
From the moment I came to realise that “I am, a woman with a choice”, that I am not a victim, that any emptiness cannot be filled by anyone or anything, only by me, my whole life changed, immeasurably so. It changed from a life of feeling I wasn’t enough just by being who I mistakenly thought I was, to one where I know that I am more than enough, a beautiful woman who lives life to the fullest, not just for me but for all.
I am not a victim, that any emptiness cannot be filled by anyone or anything, only by me,’ I love the power in your words here Ingrid Ward. There is so much for us to bring to the world – we can literally be the change we want to see but for this we have to first feel how we have been denying ourselves by allowing the emptiness to rule.
Reconnecting to the love of who we are is the opportunity to honour and respect our own and another’s body.
Absolutely, that is why it is so key to build a strong foundation of love for ourselves first and foremost.
How great is it to have more awareness and understanding, ‘ I have been using men to fill an emptiness inside that I haven’t known how to deal with otherwise’, we can then make different choices.
‘I am made to make love’.
Now I have never seen that written on paper, including the depth felt of the words.
We always have a choice to honour ourselves and others but so often we are stuck in a pattern of not recognising this because of our own lack of self-love.
Helen how many of us are raised in a way that love is the first and foremost expression. That love can be seen and felt by every movement every angle, so that no words need to be spoken because love surrounds us. I would say looking out to the world not many. I personally had no concept of true love and it wasn’t until I came across Universal Medicine that I had any inkling that there was the possibility of something different. A way of life where it is possible to be love and express it in full by reconnecting to the essence of who we are. Too me to be denied true love is the greatest crime on Earth as we have allowed ourselves to be led away from God into the wilderness of a loveless society that we actually hate while at the same time thinking that this is all there is.
Sex happens, we know it is not right, but we accept it because we have given up on the fact that it is possible to make love, real love, not only in bed but 24/7. We think that sex is normal while in fact it is not.
At the moment I have been unpicking a lot of beliefs where I think I have to jump in and agree to what is asked of me without actually asking myself “Do I really, truly feel to do that?” Or holding back and waiting until other people put their 2 cents in and then I act. I am allowed to have a choice based on what I feel is true for me and it is quite liberating.
Beautiful, an invitation for us to start making choices that are valuing who we are and what we truly want. This is our way to break down any abusive thought or behavior that keep us in loveless manners.
As women when we have a lack of self-worth we can find ourselves making some compromising choices even though we know they don’t serve us. When we operate from emptiness that hole has command, yet when we begin to build a foundation of self-love, suddenly the balance of the scales tip and we find ourselves more honouring and regarding of our true sensitivity.
I can so relate to the ‘lack of self-worth’ fueled decisions, and there were many of them, some making me squirm at the uncomfortable memory. But the crazy thing is, that while I was in the process of making them, there was a part of me that knew they weren’t true, but I over-road that innate wisdom and made them anyway such was the depth of my disregard for myself. Today the scales have finally tipped towards more self-love and more self-care and as a result those disregarding decisions are being made less and less.
Me too Ingrid and it is interesting what when making those self bashing choices we actually knew we were making the wrong choice but by making the choice it confirmed to us that we were not worth it and so cemented the lack of self worth deeper into our bodies. How crazy are we that we can do this to ourselves and it is accepted by us and the society we live in. No one stopped me from making loveless choices how could they when they were making loveless choices too.
Self-love, as in true self-love is such a vital component in what we’re prepared to put up with. When we truly care about ourselves then we become as protective and non negotiable as we are with a baby. You just basically don’t and won’t put up with any element of harm.
In honouring the love we are, we naturally are moved to honor the love in all and that includes not accepting loveless behaviour.
We use our body as a pawn, a trump card to be sold and bartered when all along it has all the love and wisdom anyone could ever need. Invest in your body and go deep.
So true Joseph, we treat our bodies so incredibly shabbily and yet as you say ‘it has all the love and wisdom anyone could ever need’ or more accurately’ it’s a portal for’ ‘all the love and wisdom anyone could ever need’.
Wonderful honesty shared here about what women get out of using men sexually, even if it looks like the woman is the victim. I feel that if we are honest, women using men to fill an emptiness is common. The problem is that we compromise ourselves and the sex feeds rather than fills the emptiness. We have the power to change this as women when we look inside and develop a caring, nurturing relationship with ourselves that wouldn’t dream of accepting anything less than love.
Being loving with ourselves is the greatest Us that we can be and bring to another. It’s not selfish but setting a standard and quality of the relationship.
I love what you have shared Anon, and the realisations that have come to you to change the way you relate to yourself and others, when these words are realised and lived “I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love. ” we realise all along we have choice to express that love.
“I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.” What a beautiful reminder of the truth of what I am; what we all are. But just imagine if we were taught this as a child and supported to embody it as we grew. I am sure that if we did there would be no need for a reminder because we would know this truth in every particle of our being.
Whether we like the fact or not, whenever we are not loving ourselves we are also making a choice to abuse ourselves. And when we abuse ourselves we also abuse others by holding back our love.
When we don’t live our true quality in our everyday life then we seek relief from life and then physical intimacy becomes about getting a need met not about the quality between two people.
So true, well said MW.
It is such to truly care for another is to deeply care for yourself.
The more we hold ourselves in love and connect with the fact that we are love, then the less and less we accept anything less than love in our lives.
How often do we say no and the opposite happens or say yes to re-visit whatever later and feel we actually should have said no? Then could it “be a vessel for another to use me in such a way,” so that we do not actually truly know whether we are Arthur or Martha until we reconnect to the love we all are?
Often when we ‘use’ sex as a way to bring intimacy into our lives, it is actually an act that I don’t enjoy. I am often there just wanting to get it over and done with as there is no connection in it. Sometimes I might start that but then half way through feel the emptiness of it and not actually enjoy that feeling.
When we realise that we do have a choice it is a paradigm shift in consciousness that changes our life.
I find it beautiful that you can claim your wanting a truly loving relationship because this has been experienced first with yourself. Being brave then doesn’t really come in to it, as it just feels right. So, being a woman with choice is powerful.
Beautiful anonymous; ‘ I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’ I love this, when we know that we are love and that it is natural for us to be loving with ourselves and others and move lovingly and express lovingly, then this changes everything. I can feel that then pushing ourselves, not expressing what we are truly feeling and putting others first is not loving and not our true way of living.
“Meeting love head on” so we are open in the inner-heart to all that life throws at us is the simple way of evolution.
Not to cower in the face of challenges or even calamity but to remain open and responsive knowing that we are eternally held and that at the end of the day no real harm can come to any of us because we are the eternal aspect of God temporarily masquerading as nothing other than human beings.
One of the greatest liberations you can have is to realise the hurts you were holding onto were not truly you anyway as in fact you are so much greater and grander than they have ever allowed you to consider yourself to be.
What a beautiful blog, such deep and profound truth is being shared about us women. Of course we have a choice, to come from our divine power is our choice, it is a building we can choose to do, instead of all the misery and complexity and all else. To stand for the beauty, power and love that we naturally here to express. I love being a woman, and returning back to who I am, sharing this with women is my equal joy and deepening.
I come from a very similar point Anonymous and it feels very healing for me reading this blog today. Since some time now, I’m taking more and more responsibility about the energy I allow to flow through my body, as well as my past projections on men. This is a work in progress, but I can feel in my body the huge difference that it is when I move and embrace myself, knowing who I really am. I know now that nobody will fill any emptiness inside but me. For the first time in my whole life I’m relating with men in a very new, respectful and refreshing way. Feeling the love within me is feeling the love with everyone, and this can’t fit in any sexual image as it is beyond that.
Very powerful to share and appreciate that we choose to be a victim. I too have had experiences where i have said no to sex but it has happened anyway and in that i have a responsibility to look at where I was not saying truth in my words and my movements.
Anonymous, I love this; ‘ I am, a woman with a choice.’ This feels really empowering, we are love and so to make choices from here that honour this fact feels like our true way of living, rather than making choices from lack of self worth and seeking recognition and acceptance
How is it that we have a world where such care for ourselves is often called ‘selfish’ and discouraged, yet it is not until we love and respect ourselves that we in truth hold another in the same way. So much harm could and would be eliminated from our world if self love, care and respect was fostered from birth.
” I have seen that as much as I have played victim in this, I in fact have been using another, as well as myself. ” Wow this is a huge understanding and a huge acceptance of responsibility , responsibility itself been simple in that you are the only one that can be you , so this is natural to you ” I am, a woman with a choice. ” thank you for sharing.
‘I do not want to hurt myself because I am learning, feeling and experiencing the fact that I am love. I am made of love, made to be love, made to express love; I am made to make love.’ Beautiful and very empowering! That is the choice to make and reflect to humanity.
Only when we choose to be a vessel of love, that is, with full respect for ourselves and the other one, making love is possible. It seems simple to be love and it is, just when we hold to it consistently and honestly look, recognize and discard what is not… as you did Anonymous. Thank you so much for bringing light into this subject
Thank you for sharing your journey to love Anon. Your sharing of your story will inspire many of us to look at ourselves and love what they see and not abuse that amazing being that we are.