Recently I attended my Nonna’s (grandmother’s) funeral. Nonna was such a constant person in my life. We shared a close and playful relationship. I saw her nearly every weekend and it was wonderful to spend so much time with her. Nonna had always been a fit, active and strong woman, but from the age of 88 I could sense that she was slowing down.
Nonna died one week before she reached 90 years, after falling and breaking her hip. I got to see her while she was in hospital and express how I felt about her. This was not something new for me as every time I was with Nonna I would express my love for her: Nonna knew without a doubt that I loved her and that she was a very special person to me.
When Nonna died I thought I would feel overwhelmingly sad. I had never experienced the death of someone so close to me and I had this belief that the amount of sadness I felt would equate to how much I loved the person. I felt much love for the woman I had spent so much time with and a true acceptance of the choices my Nonna had made in her life and that this life for her had ended.
I felt a deep appreciation for the relationship we had, and that I had always expressed my love for her. There was much sadness around me, which is understandable, and much talk about how the funeral would be difficult and very sad. I did begin to wonder how I would feel at the funeral; would this be the time that I would be sad, would I be overcome with emotion?
Coming from an Italian background, I had attended many Italian funerals and these experiences had shown me that extreme emotion was involved: there might be wailing, there would definitely be a lot of tears and people wearing black clothing. It was like swimming in a sea of heavy emotion. In the past I had reacted to this intensity by feeling overwhelmed.
As I pondered on how attending Nonna’s funeral might be, I realised that the only thing I could do on the day was to accept what I and everyone around me was feeling.
I also realised that in the lead up to the funeral I could choose to live in a way that supported me to deeply care for and nurture myself.
Living this way was not new to me as for a few years I have been developing a deeply caring relationship with myself. As a result, I was open to listening to my body and how I was feeling and then open to making more loving choices to support me to continue to feel well and vital. During the week before the funeral I chose to deepen this loving way more consistently.
I brought my presence to every moment, which simply means when I was doing something my mind and body were together.
- Each time I made my bed, I brought all my attention to the task at hand. I did not allow wandering thoughts as I lovingly smoothed out the sheets and doona and tenderly placed the pillows. I focused on the way my body felt as I moved with this presence.
During the week I did not override my body and what it was feeling, I listened and made loving choices in response to it.
- If I was tired I would lie down and have a rest; I chose not to push through and ‘just get on with things’
- I ensured I went to bed early every night so I would feel rejuvenated in the morning
- If I had an emotional conversation with a family member I would sit afterwards and ask myself tenderly “how am I feeling”. I would take the time to support me by simply reflecting or having an honest discussion with my husband or a close friend. I did not override how I felt, I simply honoured what was there and gave myself space to be with it.
I felt how simple it was to live this way and how every moment was building on the next, nothing felt separate or disconnected. Every moment that I chose to be loving supported me to keep making more loving choices for myself. I was in constant appreciation of the choices I was making.
All week I took deeply loving care of myself, not just for myself, but for others. I ate foods that were supportive, spoke gently to myself and my family and walked every day. My daily walks were such an amazing support…the fresh air, feeling the sunshine on my skin and watching the birds dance through the sky brought a feeling of harmony to my body that was very soothing. There was no perfection, only a loving dedication and commitment.
On the day of attending the funeral I felt tender and very present because of the loving care I had chosen over the last week. There was a strength that came from honouring what I was feeling within with a steadiness and a surety that I had not felt on such a deep level.
When I walked into the church I was not alone. Every loving choice I had made that week was with me, which allowed me to be open and loving with all, even though I could feel the heavy sadness and grief that was present.
As I stood at the altar and expressed the love I felt for Nonna and shared stories of our connection, I felt my expression come from a place deep within and I felt truly connected to all. People dried their eyes and laughed at the cheeky stories I told of Nonna, remembering the woman she truly was. It felt like my expression washed away the heaviness and brought clarity and space to all.
Afterwards, family and friends expressed such loving appreciation for my expression… one person genuinely thanked me for the eulogy and said it had made her day because it supported her to stop feeling overwhelming sadness and focus on the loving connection that she also had with my Nonna.
As I drove home that evening with my husband I reflected on the funeral and the connection we felt with everyone. It had been such a beautiful day. There was such openness, love and acceptance from all who were present.
Attending my Nonna’s funeral was different to any funeral I had ever attended. My deeply caring and loving choices leading up to the funeral allowed me to stay open and present all day and to express without reservation. I felt much love for all, and the connection I felt with people had made the funeral a truly special day.
I am deeply inspired by Serge Benhayon’s love for humanity and the presentations of Universal Medicine that have supported me to re-connect to the love within me and re-develop my innate awareness. Without this re-connection I would not be living the joy-full, loving life I live today.
By Bianca, Melbourne, Australia
594 Comments
Indeed Susan, what a difference we can make in choosing presence and tenderness in everything that we do.
A gorgeous truth on how to just be love and nurturing to yourself for others, in such a time of immense grief
Thank you
Bianca, our tenderness and preciousness are so lovely to feel. You have celebrated your Nonna in her life by expressing your love to her when you were with her and the celebration continued in her passing bringing a lot of healing to others at the funeral. Such a beautiful blog Bianca thank you.
Allowing yourself to be you and not get caught up the usual emotional times around death and passing over is very freeing, not just for you, also for the loved one that is passing and the relatives and friends. I found like you Bianca this extremely supportive and help me see the joy of such a special time. Celebrating the person and all that they are and where they are going.
This is such an amazing sharing, Bianca, thank you. How lovely to feel your dedication to bringing all of you to each and every moment, and how that built a foundation on which you stood to bring such love and healing to others in this difficult time, making the funeral a celebration of life and love.
Thank you Bianca, I especially enjoyed reading how your family members appreciated your eulogy, and what this brought to the whole day.
Thank you for the reminder Bianca that every loving choice we make comes with us – and allows us to be open and loving with others.
When you presented your eulogy you expressed from love and playfulness that made people stop the heavy emotion they were in and feel the love and playfulness you were presenting. You were able to show people that funerals don’t have to be extremely sad, you can honour the person in a light, playful loving way and the people appreciated this by telling you so.
Wow what a powerful journey, thank you so much for sharing. This shows a choice to not become overwhelmed by grief at a difficult time but instead make loving choices for yourself which then supported everyone around you. Your words inspire me to be more connected with myself and more present, appreciating each moment of each day.
I read this blog before attending a funeral for my Grandad and it was lovely to remember what was written here as I went through that experience. This was a huge support for me as I was very close to my Grandad and I was sad at the funeral, however, I also felt a strength inside of myself and your words helped me to connect to that and support the rest of my family as best I could. Thank you Bianca.
Beautiful Leonne, thank you for sharing your experience. What a blessing for your family to have your presence with them at the funeral.
Beautiful Bianca. I felt how in choosing to express lovingly to your Nonna throughout your life, you laid an amazing foundation, which your continued choices, the funeral and this blog are simply built upon in the most natural way.
Thank you Joseph. The choice to express love to my Nonna throughout my life was beautiful and came very naturally to me. When I look back on our relationship the fact I was able to express my love for her and feel that nothing was left unsaid has made her passing easier to accept. This inspires me to take this level of openness and expression of love to all my relationships.
Dear Bianca, I can truly relate to what you have written. Thank you for sharing your experience here. I come form a similar South European background (Serbia) where death and funeral are heavy, emotional. And the ceremonies accordingly. People are used to have this part of life in a certain way and though they start by themselves to feel – this is not how it should be, as by times it feels awkward, they still hold on the old ways. But I have also realized that if they are shown another way and another approach – as you did at your Nonna’s funeral – a lot of are very open to this. To focus on the connection, to express love towards the passed over person and towards each other. This also brings joy though sadness is there. So once again thank you for sharing so respectfully.
Dear Bianca, what I have received from your blog here is beyond the understanding of how to ”deal with” funerals. What you have shared about how you cared for yourself each step of the way leading up to the funeral is amazing and is an amazingness we can choose everyday. It reminds me of the extra care I took with myself before a medical procedure last year – I felt so tender, so open and able to feel everything – why do we not do this for each and every day without perfection?
Sharing how you prepared for the funeral is very empowering and “Every loving choice I had made that week was with me, which allowed me to be open and loving with all” encapsulates so well the imapact and the results that this brings.
Loving choices literally allow Heaven to come through us, they really do. And one day each and every one of us will be choosing to make one loving choice after another, to the point that we will all be streaming Heaven through us constantly.
As someone who has a tendency to take on others’ emotions, reading this has been a huge support for me and I can think of numerous people for whom your experience and words will also be of support – I will be sharing it liberally. This is one to read and read again. Thank you Bianca.
Thank you Bianca for your beautiful blog – it has reminded me of my relationship with my mother and how much I appreciate that I spent time with her during the latter part of her life. Like you I was conscious that I wanted to let her know how deeply I loved and appreciated her as a woman. When I was younger I did not always respect her and honour her and it felt as though I was being offered a second opportunity to build a true and loving relationship with her before she passed away. These moments allowed us to explore some deeper aspects of our lives and what was it that life was about – there were moments when we felt truly close and we let go of all the problems of the past. It was really healing to spend this time with her.
Bianca thank you for reminding us that funerals can be joyful and playful, an opportunity to express and share with others tender and humourous moments spent with our loved ones.
Thank you Kehinde, expressing the eulogy with absolute love, tenderness, playfulness and humour was the most beautiful way to honour my Nonna and her life.
Thank you Bianca, how inspirational your blog is. I loved reading and feeling how you supported everyone who was connected to your grandmother with the choices you made. More than a year ago my mother died and I felt a great acceptance and strength in the days after her passing, also at her funeral. Yes I’ve missed her from the moment she died but I mostly felt and feel to celebrate the amazing woman she was and the love we shared.
Thank you Gill for expanding this blog by sharing your experience.
This writing is very beautiful, Bianca, thank you so much for continuing to express unreservedly, this feels so loving to receive and has re-connected me to my loving expression.
Bianca your blog shows me the how of living in a self-loving way and also how, when we express from our connection to our light within how this allows others to also. What you have shared is beautifully simple and profound and applicable to whatever is going on in life. Thank you.
Expressing love is common to us all because in truth we are the expression of love and yet we have become accustomed to never or rarely expressing love because we rarely feel love in it’s true form. We have made life very functional, very matter of fact and a huge deviation from it’s original form. But as we return to love we will naturally start to express the love that we all are and thankfully restore the flow back to life. Life’s a pretty stagnant affair right now.
This is such a beautiful blog and i shared it with a friend who is facing the death of her grandmother and she is very dear to her to and she is the main carer for her through her cancer treatments and due to pass over shortly. It was so supportive and really beautiful for her to read and she thanked me for sharing this and i am passing this on back to you , thank you Bianca.
This is beautiful Tricia, thank you for sharing. This confirms for me that the ripple effect of love is never ending…
” I realised that the only thing I could do on the day was to accept what I and everyone around me was feeling.”
I too had this experience at my mother’s funeral and found it doing so, I felt much lighter and enjoyed seeing people I had not seen for a very long time.
Thank you Michelle for sharing your experience. It feels like choosing to lovingly caring for yourself before and during a funeral is the new black.
Yes Matilda, how very true. It seems the key to all of our relationships is most definitely held within our own loving connection to ourselves, and that if we can hold true to who we know ourselves to be in truth, no ideal, belief or culture can get in the way of our most naturally amazing and heavenly way, and it is a gift to everyone equally. Thank-you Bianca, a most beautiful sharing.
What a tribute to celebrating the truth about a relationship rather than being caught in the expectations and social norms of how we ‘should’ behave. Thank you, Bianca.
This is a really inspiring blog Bianca, I love to see it when there is a special bond between Grand parent and grand child, one of my nephews has it with my mum and there is something quite cute about it. This blog just proves the amazing benifits of self care and self love.
Its amazing to read the level of respect and appreciation you hold for your grandmother in your words, and the way you honoured her memory with love and joy at her funeral.
Loved the line “I walked in and wasn’t alone all my choices where there supporting me”, that is such a great image, what a great sharing of how life can be!
Bianca, this blog is full of such richness – the richness of your deep love for your nonna, and the richness of the loving and deeply supportive relationship you have with yourself.
The care and nurturing you brought to yourself that week is palpable, and clearly set a new ‘marker’ for you, for how you could be with yourself, all of the time. To me this speaks so much about true Yoga, and union with ourselves, and a way of being where the support in how we go about our day (though never perfect) is absolutely foundational.
Having been inspired to pay attention and make such choices myself, profoundly so by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I can absolutely relate – not only to how great we can truly feel within ourselves as a ‘result’, but also, as your story here so beautifully exemplifies, how then we are, in our relationship with all others, and how others also receive the blessings of such a rich and lived way of honouring ourselves. Our choices thus become, naturally, about all.
When you say that you walked into the church and you weren’t alone (that all your choices were with you), I couldn’t help but feel that you walked in with a thousand angels behind you, and graced everyone with the power of your love – a great love that accepted and held everyone, no matter what they were going through, at the funeral. This is most surely God’s work, on earth.
Ah Victoria your expression is beautiful and all that you have said is true. Bringing loving consistency to my life allowed me to tangibly feel the love of God and how we are all held by Him in every moment. I now know without a doubt that God has never not been there, it has been my choices to not be the love I naturally am that has made me numb to His presence. I have no doubt that God and a thousand angels were with me as I walked into the church and I can feel that if this level of support is here for one then it is equally here for all.
Beautifully said, Bianca and Victoria.
“When I walked into the church I was not alone. Every loving choice I had made that week was with me”…this is so powerful for me to sit with at the moment… Allowing myself to feel supported not by people around me, but by the choices I am making….
”Allowing myself to feel supported not by people around me, but by the choices I am making…”. The way in which Joel has expressed this has stopped me to feel more deeply what is being said here… there is much to ponder on here.
How beautiful to read of what is possible with the journey of passing on. Even just reading the words as written reminds one to be with oneself, and to feel the expanded awareness and connection that is possible when one does this. And then to read how, in the midst of what would normally be such a turbulent and overwhelming event how Bianca has held herself, and not just that, created such a bridge with her expression that others there were inspired, now this is indeed a story to be told and retold.
You have made a great point here Bianca, that funerals are about love,a confirmation of the individual and all they brought to the world and a confirmation of the relationship we had with them. Thats beautiful and to be rejoiced.
I used to simply equate funerals as a place people went to to be miserable together about the death of someone. And somehow this was the way society expected a show of caring about the person who had passed away. It is lovely to read your article about how you used this situation to celebrate your grandmother and lightened up the whole event for everyone else. And how you consciously took care of yourself to ensure you were able to do so. Very inspiring.
I absolutely agree Golnaz, and I remember never being at all comfortable with the ‘heavy cloud’ that seemed to sit over everyone at funerals – the remembrances go back to when I was very young… The place for letting go is important to allow, and yet also it is such a rich experience to celebrate the person, as Bianca did with her grandmother – truly beautiful.
Bianca I could feel the love for your Grandmother and how this had rippled into your life and was shown by the care you then took with yourself leading up to the funeral. Staying with yourself and not getting emotional was a great reflection for your relatives to see and is shown in your words “I felt much love for all, and the connection I felt with people had made the funeral a truly special day.”
Great to see here the funeral as a celebration of the life lived and passed, instead of an emotionally-tumultuous affair. Emotions are not good for our bodies – better to feel and identify exactly what feelings are behind them – and, in this scenario, to express the joy and appreciation for the loved one.
This is a great testimonial of the impact self-care has on others. The beauty in which you describe your choices leading into the day of the funeral is felt deeply as I read through your blog. This is living! This is healing! And it was felt by all those at the funeral, who were blessed by your presence and expression of your love for you and your love equally for your Nonna. Very inspiring Bianca. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Bianca, it feels like the relationship that you have been developing with yourself and the love that you and your Nonna shared was the real anchor for you at her funeral, allowing you to truly celebrate your Nonna, her life and your relationship. These are incredibly precious and loving times when we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable as you have so beautifully shared.
Bianca, thank you, this goes to show us how the choice to look after and care for ourselves is evidenced by a tangible knock-on effect that is felt by others around us – what more do we need to confirm that living with self care means we are more fully equipped to then care for and support others.
What you’ve shared here Bianca has stayed with me since the first time I read your blog. It so clearly offers us the fact that we can choose to support ourselves to be steady in all that life brings along, by bringing a presence to how we are in our day.
A person’s life and its worth to the people around them can sometimes be measured by the degree to which a person mourns – tears, feeling heavy, regurgitate the past and continually say about the gap left now they are gone. What I have experienced from your blog Bianca is, that if we are able to not get bogged down by all the emotion, to clear all its heaviness by staying connected to self in the most loving way and surrounding yourself with what is true, the clarity with which you see and express the beauty of the person passing becomes a powerful connection to all others sharing this same loss. A beautiful and heartfelt sharing and an example of what is possible – thank you to Universal Medicine
This is lovely to read Matilda, ‘When my father died, my son aged 9 said that he would love to come to the funeral as long as he did not have to ‘pretend to be sad and get caught in the emotions of the adults’, I attended a funeral of a client yesterday and it felt amazing to not get caught up in the sadness and emotions of the day, I felt steady and lighthearted and enjoyed expressing how much I had adored this client, it felt lovely to connect with people that had known my client and hear stories about him, it felt like we were celebrating him.
Rebecca, the comment of your son just blew me away! How clearly he has felt and seen it all! And, as you say, it is so lovely to celebrate someone’s life and the joy they brought.
Yes Rebecca, it is sooooo freeing! One of my flat mates died and she didn’t have a family who could organise the funeral or any of her effects so we did that. Because we had been with her during her ilness, we really wanted to celebrate the woman she was rather than mourn her. It doesn’t deny the fact that you miss their physical company but simply honours that it was their process and time to go. Her cremation was a celebration, the young people in the room ensured it was exactly as she wanted it, a get together, a celebration and an opportunity to support each other.
“When I walked into the church I was not alone. Every loving choice I had made that week was with me,…” What a wonderful sentence, great how you highlight how the choices you make are with you. They can be supportive or they can be undermining, this is the wonder of making choices, they can build a lovely foundation and support. Thank you.
Your experience shared here in your blog Bianca has reminded me of the power that we have by making self loving choices. And that all the choices we make moment to moment are with us in the next moment. Therefore if we continue to make self-loving choices it creates a solid foundation for us for the more difficult times.
Absolutely agree Donna – it is deeply beautiful how this law of self-loving choice magnifies exponentially. Such a blessing to know and understand this – and live it.
Bianca it is wonderful to have shared such a deeply loving relationship with Nonna and to have expressed your love with her. I loved how you said “when I walked into the church I was not alone. Every loving choice I had made that week was with me, which allowed me to be open and loving with all, even though I could feel the heavy sadness and grief that was present”
There is no sadness in the light of the soul, not even a smidgen.
What an inspirational example of when we truly care for ourselves how that care then flows on to others in many ways. From making the choice to deepen your love for yourself, all who you meet on the day of the funeral were blessed and in some cases, inspired. How very beautiful.
“When I walked into the church I was not alone. Every loving choice I had made that week was with me” – that is a great statement of the power of one’s own choices, and how they support you in this instance as well as in life. Thank you for the reminder Bianca.
This is a beautiful blog Bianca. Having a Greek background I can certainly attest to the heavy sea of emotion that can take place at funerals! But here, I can feel how through your dedication to deeply care for yourself, you let everyone at the funeral feel such a difference, and how funerals do not have to be so heavy and solemn, and we don’t have to grow our sorrows in copious amounts of alcohol. Your blog also blows out of the water the notion that deep self-care is selfish — in truth it is the absolute opposite. When we deeply commit to looking after ourselves, honouring our bodies, our limitations, not pushing beyond what our bodies can do, we then bring this deep honouring to all that we do and everyone we meet — and we are there in full presence, not drained, irritated, and not wanting to be there. That’s such a blessing to give to another.
It is more and more common to understand this is what happens with alcohol and emotions. Current health research backed up by any emergency department in the world will tell you that the majority of violence is alcohol fuelled…sadness and grief is no different. Combustible.
“When I walked into the church I was not alone. Every loving choice I had made that week was with me”. This is such a lovely reminder that all our choices are with us in every moment of everyday. I really enjoyed reading and feeling in your writing the dedication to, and consistency in the way you chose to be with yourself. Thank you Bianca.
There are sone cracking statements in here that apply for all of life – even the difficult days like farewelling a family member… “when I was doing something my mind and body were together”, and “Every loving choice I had made that week was with me”… I will use those in my further development of my everyday development of The Way of the Livingness, as shared by Universal Medicine.
I agree, Heather, this is a great and inspiring example of the Way of the Livingness in action, by simply bringing an ever-deepening love and awareness of ourselves in each situation and responding accordingly.
I loved that too Heather, particularly the “every loving choice I had made that week was with me”. I often talk to people about laying the foundations away from the high intensity moments but I love the expression used there. They walk with us, beside us, to give us a knowing that we have supported ourselves to be ok in this moment, to see that the experience or moment is not bigger than the foundation we have built.
It touches me deeply to read your blog, it is so beautiful to feel your love for your grandmother and the power and dedication you had to go into that process.
So true, we tend to celebrate achievements rather than celebrate the person for who they were. It is a reflection of how we regard ourselves, valuing ourselves by what we do rather than appreciating ourselves just for being us. It is such a joy to read and feel just how lovingly held this funeral was by one person who not only deeply valued herself, but valued everyone equally, so that everyone could truly celebrate the person who had left them.
Bianca, how timely for me to discover your blog today when just a few hours ago I spoke with a friend whose grandmother had died 3 days ago. He expressed the joy he felt at being by her side and the ease of her passing. It was not an emotional time but one of acceptance and love. Your nonna sounds like a beautiful woman who was offered the fullness of your love – a true gift.
What a beautiful confirmation, Bianca. I have always felt funerals to be celebrations and never understood the ‘veil’ of black. When my father died, my son aged 9 said that he would love to come to the funeral as long as he did not have to ‘pretend to be sad and get caught in the emotions of the adults’ – I loved this as a foundation for the day: holding myself and observing and supporting others.
I love the wisdom of children. Your son is spot on, emotions can be like a trap we get caught in. It is through the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I have learnt to observe and not absorb the emotions of others. This teaching has been an absolute blessing.
Wow Bianca, what a truly beautiful powerful sharing, it brought tears to my eyes, melting and dissolving away hardness in my body and mind, thank you deeply.
Thanks for a beautiful blog Bianca. I have found funerals to be heavy occasions that tend to focus on what a person achieved in their lives rather than what they were like as a person. You describe beautifully how the loving choices you made in the lead up to the funeral enabled you to hold yourself during the funeral and relate to others the wonderful connection you had with your grandmother.
Very true Peter, eulogies have their main focus on what people have done and the moment we talk about who they were as a person we get overly emotional. The care you brought to yourself sounds like it really supported you to connect to the connection that is beyond the face to face physical experience, and in so doing you supported others to connect in the same way.
Thank you Bianca, Such a beautiful sharing of the love you shared with your nona and equally, the love you have with, and for yourself. What you have shared really demonstrates how building the love with yourself, flows into the words you express. A transmission of love that we can all feel through the spoken word.
Thanks, Bianca. Your blog presents a powerful truth about relationship – if we deeply connect to and share true love with another, it is inconceivable that the bond will ever diminish, even if the person is no longer there.
Well said Janet, true love leaves an imprint that is with us forever.
I so agree Janet. we can feel them in our hearts and for me in this instance, often that lovely quiet smile my grandmother had will pop up and I am reminded again of the love that was given and shared – never gone, still felt,
Thank you Bianca for writing this. I have not experienced a death of anyone very close to me (my parents are both still alive and well) yet, so I shall remember this blog and re-read it when such time comes.
Thank you Bianca for such a beautiful blog and for sharing it and it is such an inspiration for everyone. I really appreciated it and share so much with you with my loving experiences with the funerals of both my parents and the contrast with many others also. The amazing suport you show by the way you lived and prepared for the day is an inspiration for everyday always as the way to live so lovingly and the benefits are glorious to feel .
Beautiful Bianca, thank you for such a deeply healing article and sharing your love for us all to benefit by. Your article confirms the power of self love and the amazing results of preparing yourself for a big day, a day that we so often associate with the heavy emotions and deep sadness. What a gift you brought to everyone at the funeral, the opportunity to laugh and re-connect to the joy and love that Nonna brought into the world. You changed the day from a day of people being swamped by their loss to a day of celebrating a beautiful person who has passed over from this life. That is an amazing transformation.
Absolutely beautiful Bianca. What struck me was that when you started talking, your voice, presence and expression were able to clear the room of the heaviness of emotion. You healed everyone in that room that day, such a Clark Kent moment and it proves that your love for yourself has ripple effects that allow others to connect to themselves. What power we have when we have connection and expression. Two small white feathers just floated very gently past my window outside, what a confirmation.
Thanks Bianca
I could feel as I read this my own connection deepening and a greater sense of presence developing in myself.
Grief can be over-powering at times. You have clearly demonstrated how loving choices and conscious presence can help manage what can be very powerful and sometimes debilitating emotions.
This was a beautiful blog to read. A close friends Grandmother recently passed away, the funeral is in a few days. I will share this blog with her to support her during this time. What you wrote and shared is what I have been discussing with my friend, this was a beautiful confirmation to myself. It was so lovely to read how being present and lovingly supporting yourself allowed you to support others. Thank you for sharing.
What a beautiful blog, Bianca and so inspiring to read about your relationship with your grandmother. The gentle and loving way that you prepared yourself for the funeral feels as though it reflects a way of living that can support us all in our daily lives and to be truly loving to ourselves and those we meet each and every day.
What an amazing experience for you Bianca. It can be easy to forget the beautiful, joyful and loved filled memories we have for those that have past away in our lives, as we feel so overwhelmed with emotion. I know that when my grandmother passes I will deeply miss her but I will also know that every time I have been with her it has been filled with love and joy, making her passing a time to celebrate the beautiful women she was.
Thank you again for your sharing of your beautiful experience here Bianca. My funeral experience of my grandmother, whom I loved dearly (I was 16 when she left), was so awful that I have not been wanting to go to another one ever. You have shown a different way which I also can embrace, thank you.
What powerful reflection for you Bianca as you tangibly got to see how the way you live can have a huge impact on those around you. I hope you appreciate the hugeness of what has unfolded here because what you have shared is absolute gold. If we are this powerful i have to ask myself why I wouldn’t choose to live like this all of the time and bring such support, grace and love to all those I meet. I shall be more honouring of myself because of what you have shared here.
Thank you Bianca for sharing in such detail how you ‘got through’ the week after losing your Nonna. I chose to live in much the same way as you when my husband had an unexpected operation. What this meant was that I ‘felt’ my way through every activity I needed to do, for example doing the shopping, the cooking, the school run, (life still goes on regardless of what drama is unfolding!), communicating with nurses, showering, getting myself dressed, etc etc. I didn’t ‘think’ about what I had to do, but rather ‘felt’ what it was that I needed to do and then did it in a gentle, loving and practical way for myself. The knock on effect then was that the people I came into contact with felt something different about me; a gentleness, perhaps a fragility that was still so very strong and steady. I felt very joyful all week, despite the drama that was around me. Thank you for putting this into words for me and us all.
And thank you too Suzanne, for sharing your experience with living life in a steady connected way through your husband’s operation. Deeply beautiful.
Thank you for sharing your experience Suzanne, I loved reading it and feeling how supportive your loving choices were for all the people you came in contact with. This line in particular stands out for me..”I felt my way through every activity I needed to do”. Simply beautiful!
Thank you Suzanne Anderssen for “how you went through your week” and held fragility and joy, equalling all of you. What a great reflection and inspiration for living everyday. I can feel a deep connection to this is how to live every moment. It’s rather funny but like many things in life I’m discovering I’m saving them for “Good/Best”. This level of care and presence with self is what is need constantly in life and I’m not going to save it up any more, but get on and live it. With the deepest appreciation.
Gorgeous Bianca, this is a completely different approach not only to attending funerals, but also in life and in how we prepare for things – through the choices in how we live.
Wow-I love what has been shared here. “….Every loving choice I had made that week was with me, which allowed me to be open and loving with all….” wise words which apply throughout life. Thank you, Bianca.
Yes Julie and Bianca, inspiring dedication!
A friend of mine recently attended one of her relative’s funerals, and when I asked her how it went she exclaimed how depressing and sad it was… I myself have never been to a funeral, but from the details she gave of people being exceptionally emotional, and the atmosphere being more gloomy than she had ever experienced before, I do wonder if there is another way to ‘finalise’ a life… You have done just that Bianca, and your blog is amazing as you have expressed how funerals can be CELEBRATIONS rather than such dismal events.
I know when I go I want people to celebrate me and not be all doom and gloom. I would want people to dance (true music style) and feel a lightness in their hearts to not feel sad as I will be back….Hasta la vista baby!
Thanks Bianca, I felt held in your love, care and tenderness simply reading your article. It stands as a testament to the way that you have chosen to live.
This is really inspiring Bianca. How you delivered the eulogy gave everyone an opportunity to allow themselves to feel their love for your grandmother instead of the deep well of our own grief and sadness. It’s not wrong to feel those things, but they can often overshadow our experience of a person passing on, forgetting who they actually were. I often have heard that funerals are for the living and not the person that passed on. I feel there’s a lot of truth in that.
Yes, funerals are definitely more for the living, and there is no reason a funeral has to be filled with grief and sadness. The loss of a loved one can be a celebration of all they lived. There seems to be a bit of an unwritten rule that we shouldn’t smile or feel light and playful at a funeral but perhaps that is a bit of an imposed idea that doesn’t actually ring true to how we might feel and certainly doesn’t correlate with the expressed feelings of the person before they passed away.
Thank you, Bianca. I have been to many funerals in my life and will probably experience a few more. Thank you for reminding me that – depending on the choices you make – the passing of loved ones can result in evolution for yourself and everyone around you.
Bianca. Such a lovely blog. When someone so close leaves this life, they are truly missed. Celebrating that persons life, and what they have left behind can be so inspirational. We miss that closeness, but they are always in our hearts, and thoughts, and never to far away from us.
I love this Mike it is true they are always in our hearts and never far away.
I remember attending funerals in my early teens, and looking around the room at everyone crying. I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t crying and didn’t feel like crying. To me death has always been something we must do, we can’t escape it, so we have our whole life to prepare for the process of passing over, which as detailed here can be very deeply loving and supportive.
Yes Danielle – we do have our whole life to prepare and truly enjoy living while we can. Then the passing will be a celebration of what we have lived.
What a difference you choosing to stay open, connected and present made to the experience of not only yourself but to all present. It’s interesting how the feeling of overwhelming sadness actually disconnects and takes away from the loving connection to the life being celebrated.
Bianca, there is so much power that comes through in this piece, it is heart melting. The experience you had in the lead up to the funeral beautifully describes how you brought a little more focus to the self-care, tenderness, and awareness you were already living with. Sharing in detail how you honoured yourself, each moment building on the next and how it supported you to go deeper on the day of the funeral and be more open with your love and expression is inspiring. Proof that when we live like this the more difficult moments in life can be met with more of who we truly are coming out rather than overwhelming emotion and/or shutting down.
I agree with other bloggers that this quote is life changing “When I walked into the church I was not alone. Every loving choice I had made that week was with me”.
This quote really speaks to me for any situation. What a lovely way to live life, knowing that every loving choice you make builds a solidness in you that means that you never walk alone. You actually walk with the solidness of love you have for yourself that no doubt builds your self worth and supports you in everything you do.
This quote is a quote for lifetime, thanks Bianca
‘What a lovely way to live life, knowing that every loving choice you make builds a solidness in you that means that you never walk alone’ – your words are full of wisdom Rebecca, beautifully said.
“I had this belief that the amount of sadness I felt would equate to how much I loved the person” – that is a significant sentence and a belief that is propagated in movies, novels and on TV. I love how your blog exposes that true LOVE will never lead to the accumulation of sadness.
I love this, Judith – “true LOVE will never lead to the accumulation of sadness.” A great point to consider when emotions come up with regards to another, and an opportunity to consider what we are missing in ourselves.
Exactly Judith. It is weird to think that sadness should equate to how much you love someone after reading this blog
A beautiful blog Bianca, thank you. I had a similar experience when my mother died. The sadness and self nurturing were present, and at the same time we truly celebrated her life with clarity and grace. It was an awesome experience and the celebrant wanted to know what we had ‘done’ to make the funeral, in her words, ‘so graceful and full of grace’.
Dear Bianca , this is such a beautiful blog, it brought tears to my eyes your loving comittment to yourself and the love you were able to feel and express to those in deep sadness. Thank you
This is beautiful Janne, thank you for sharing your experience. How gorgeous for the celebrant, who would attend countless funerals, to experience a funeral held in clarity and grace.
Dear Bianca, what a beauti-full way to prepare for a funeral and honour the memory of your Nonna. Your self-loving supported those present as well. Thank you for these thought-full reflections.
And it shows there is a different way to experience death. If we go deeply in grief, it is about us. When we honour the life lived by the one who died, it is about them.
Great point, Simone.
Thank you, Bianca, for the reminder that how we are in ourselves makes all the difference, and that choosing love has a powerful affect on everyone around us, even in the most emotionally challenging situations.
You have clearly presented for everyone that … by being love and making consistent choices, the far-reaching affect we can offer to others. I have been to funerals where the eulogies were empty and generally the overall feeling was heavy with emotions. Celebrating a person’s life is a lovely way to be remembered. Thank you Bianca.
Since reading your article previously I have been pondering on how you deeply cared for and nurtured yourself for the week leading up to the funeral, ‘All week I took deeply loving care of myself, not just for myself, but for others. I ate foods that were supportive, spoke gently to myself and my family and walked every day’, and how this allowed you to walk into the funeral with ‘Every loving choice I had made that week was with me, which allowed me to be open and loving with all’. This is so inspiring and highlights the power of these simple and practical ways that we can support ourselves.
So beautiful this blog, and I love what you share about the way we loved somebody, then we must be very sad as well when this person dies, because if we are not sad, then there must be something wrong or it seems that we don’t care. This is a very strong belief and this not only goes for funerals, but also with other emotional and life changing events in life. How you have shared yourself on the day of the funeral, has been a big present for everybody and a reflection of the tremendous love that you felt for your grandmother. Great inspiration.
I think that when we remember and I mean truly remember that we are the eternal consciousness of God then funerals will go from being the sad, maudlin events that they currently are to celebratory send offs that they should be.
Beautiful, thanks for sharing Bianca. I loved reading how you looked after yourself ahead of your Nonna’s funeral, and how your eulogy came from that self-love for all to feel. It’s inspiring to hear how we look after ourselves can then have an effect on others as well.
Melissa I felt the same when reading the article and it showed me that even in the sadness and grief that so many others were feeling at a funeral – through the way we are with ourselves and love and care we take – we are offering an amazing support to them and to ourself.
This stood out to me too Melissa. Such a simple thing to do that had so much effect. Truly beautiful.
This was a stop and soak it up moment for me – ‘when I walked into the church I was not alone. Every loving choice I had made that week was with me…’ Wow, Bianca, thank you for dropping such a gem. It makes it all make sense and puts a true value on the commitment and consistency with which we choose to live.
And the converse is also true, when things get tough, or overwhelming, and seemingly don’t go my way, if I am honest, can I not also see the absence of loving choices, those that I have not made that week?
Thank you Bianca you sharing your experience touched me deeply and brought tears to my eyes. So amazing how by supporting yourself with loving choices leading up to the funeral, you could then support others with the way you were able to express – what a blessing!
Wow Bianca, how you honoured yourself and your relationship with your Nonna was so beautiful and deeply touching to feel in your blog. I love what you realised here – “As I pondered on how attending Nonna’s funeral might be, I realised that the only thing I could do on the day was to accept what I and everyone around me was feeling.” This is such a powerful point I will take away from this, especially in situations where there is a lot of emotions coming up.
Thank-you for sharing your amazing experience with me. You honoured both yourself and your Nonna by your loving choices to be fully present. I am sure your presence was a great blessing to all who gathered to farewell Nonna on the day.
Choosing love over emotions, the ‘right ‘ way to act at funerals are often governed by social mores. Terrific Bianca that you have shone light on the path of how to feel true and be with love.
Grief would be far less impacting for others should such a choice be made. Thank you this is healing for me
What a beautiful testament to the power of presence, honouring and self love. Thank you Bianca, absolutely beautiful.
Bianca, I love how you made the focus about honouring your Nonna and at the same time honouring you. How gorgeous for all who were touched by this love that of course was reflected back as friends and family shared back with you. A true testament that funerals do not have to be about emotion. What a healing for yourself and others to simply allow yourself to feel what was there and to accept it all.
Wow Bianca, your dedication to consistent presence with you during the week before the funeral had such a profound effect on your experience and expression to be a healing for all. It shows strongly how one person dedicated to self love and loving choices can inspire and lift others to be more loving and connect to a deeper level, past the emotions they are experiencing.
Beautifully said Zoe and very true. One person focussing on their presence and honouring themselves can and does inspire others to lift themselves out of their emotions and connect to a deeper place within them. We are such powerful mirrors and when one person fully claims their own love, the mirror shines brightly and people can see more of their true selves in the reflection.
I love how your livingness allowed you celebrate your Grandmother’s life rather than only mourn her death. When we feel connected to another and are able to hold them in our heart they are never gone just existing in a different plane.
Hi Bianca, lovely article to share. I love it how the loving choices you made prior to the funeral were with you and supported you through the emotional heaviness that surrounded you at the funeral. Every loving choice supports us to feel confident and solid in the moment, and the opposite is also true, when we disregard or dishonour the way we feel we end up feeling anxious and unsure about ourselves in life.
Bianca, reading this I could really feel the quality of what you were able to offer others by attending to yourself so tenderly. The love, strength, joy and playfulness you were able to connect to in this challenging time would have been a burst of warmth in an otherwise bleak landscape and what you were radiating would have warmed the hearts of everyone present, including your Nonna. It has made me really appreciate that in death there is always the offer of love if we choose to accept. Thankyou.
I love the way you have summed up Bianca’s blog, Liane. The burst of warmth that Bianca brought to everyone is palpable and most inspiring, proving that love really is the trump card.
Thanks, Liane, I really like what you say here – “in death there is always the offer of love if we choose to accept” – as it reminds me that death and dying is no different from any other moment in life. The love is there always, it is simply up to us whether we connect to it or let things get in the way to separate us from it. It is beautiful to read how Bianca chose to claim the love for herself and her grandmother during this time.
To me it felt that whilst in the week prior to the funeral you made very loving choices to support yourself, the choice for that perhaps came from the openness you chose in your life long relationship with Nonna, expressing your love for each other playfully. Beautiful.