This week I was reflecting back on being nice; what does that mean for me and feel like?
I know from being a child that if I wanted to fit in or be liked, I had to be nice to people. If I was not nice, I would be not liked or be part of a group.
So what do I mean by being nice?
- Agreeing to things that do not feel right to me
- Saying yes when I mean no
- Eating foods that I don’t like, just to please others
- Going to places where I don’t feel comfortable or want to go to
- Talking to people where I don’t really feel comfortable or safe.
I know when I was young, my parents would have lots of visitors come to their house and we were always encouraged to be polite and say hello to everyone, give them a hug or go sit on their laps. I also remember occasions when some visitors would come home and they just did not feel right but I was forced to say hello and go up to them, even when my whole body said No. If I refused I would get told off. There were times when I completely refused and accepted the telling off.
But as I grew older and created my own circle of friends I soon learned you had to be nice to fit into a group otherwise you would be pushed out. In those days, that was worse – not to be part of a group – as I would feel uncomfortable being left out. Friends would gang up and not talk to me; they would ignore me and not let me play with them and they would call me names. I would feel scared walking to school and going home in case someone would physically hurt me.
I know I took this behaviour into my adult life and felt I just had to be this way – this is life and nice became a normal thing. I worked out that if you are nice, you fit in and you are liked by all.
What I have learned through the teachings of Universal Medicine is that being nice is giving our power away, in pleasing other people. Being nice says to the other person, “It’s ok, you don’t need to be responsible for your actions and behaviour.” It says “my needs don’t matter only yours,” but how could this be true?
Nice has been a constant underlying pattern in my life with family, friends and colleagues. When I gained more awareness around being nice, I could feel how harming it is for everyone. By being nice I am not being truly responsible for my own actions and not allowing another to be truly responsible either. This was not easy to identify in my daily life initially, but now I can see clearly how it plays out.
More recently I have noticed that I have avoided how I have tried to please people to avoid any confrontation. This has been across the board, with everyone. I wanted to be liked by everyone but it’s not about others liking me, but about my own self-love, self-respect and being loving to myself.
Now when I sit with this in truth I realise that it is so harming, as I am not being open and honest when things are truly wrong or behaviours are not acceptable, especially when I have felt the truth in my body.
Being nice does not allow us to explore a situation to get to what is really going on, therefore it does not provide the opportunity for true responsibility, nor for any learning or understanding.
As I have been working on deepening my self-love through the connection to the stillness and inner wisdom in my body, I have been able to observe my own behaviour and the behaviour of others towards me, through our communication and movements. When I am racy inside, trying to please and be nice and entertaining, I fail to read what is really happening before me in relationships – or perhaps it is honest to say that I don’t want to feel it. By coming from a place of inner stillness, there is so much to feel and understand but I have to be willing to go there.
Normally I would get caught in other people’s lives, issues and dramas, and with that I would feel sorry for them and then get caught in being nice by wanting to help rather than being open and truthful in my expression of what I feel in that moment.
What I now realise, by not expressing my truth, is how I am allowing another to indulge in their behaviour and saying-without-saying “it’s ok to behave like that” when it’s not. This is harming by not taking self-responsibility and is not supporting them or myself at all.
So coming back to our stillness and inner knowing allows us to be aware, read the situation and express in truth. I now know how important it is to be truthful in relationships and not get caught up in being nice where I do not honour myself or the other person at all. Nice and ‘people pleasing’ is not being loving and does not truly serve.
By Amita Khurana, BSc Honours, Hotel Business Owner, Director, Practitioner/Therapist, Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk UK
Further Reading:
True Role Models – From Being ‘A Good Man’ to Taking True Responsibility for My Choices
Giving Your Power Away: Why Being ‘Good’ Doesn’t Work
Learning to Feel my Feelings: Human Beings, not Human Doings
1,091 Comments
The sheer volume of comments on this blog is a great indicator of the extent of the problem with ‘niceness’. We are all seeing the toxicity and anti-evolution it offers us.
Being nice doesn’t leave a nice feeling in your body when it has an underlying sense of resentment or behaving dishonestly. We are easily aware when others are putting on a ‘nice’ front to please so it is obvious that others can see through our veil of ‘niceness’.
Being nice is a very protective action as it aims to dis-arm the other. It gains force when there is a more-or-less hidden threat behind it “please do what I want from you, otherwise I will stop being nice …”.
I can so relate to this as I’ve had a tendency to be nice, and it’s something I’ve been unpicking for a while. The picture says it all, it’s cloying and it feels gross actually and it shows so clearly that nice is poison for it does not allow us to feel what is truly going on … it takes us away from truth.
Amita, this is a great article on being ‘nice’. I can relate to this list of ways we are nice; ‘Agreeing to things that do not feel right to me, Saying yes when I mean no’. When I do this and go along with what does not feel right to be nice and not rock the boat, this actually feels awful. If I express what I feel is true then this feels amazing and evolutionary for all involved. It is trusting and allowing my natural expression rather than the controlled, being nice way of being which supports no one.
So beautifully and wisely shared Amita. It is insidious really, the pressure that is imposed by our societal beliefs of what is deemed acceptable and its consequences when not adhered to. This begins at such young age and if we have lost our sense of who we are in essence, we fall for seeking to be liked to fit in, be accepted or recognised to receive what we think is love. Yet as you have shared, when we know who we are, the love we are within, we need not focus on being nice but rather simply live guided by what we know is true, expressing what we know is true, which feels far more effortless and freeing in our bodies, and honouring of all in any situation.
‘ “It’s ok, you don’t need to be responsible for your actions and behaviour.”’ There are many layers to being nice that I’m discovering! I’m noticing how often I am asked to be responsible for something that isn’t my responsibility, and how difficult I find saying no because of the backlash. The backlash only enters my body when I’ve left a door open, so to speak. A door of self-doubt that whispers or shouts ‘I am selfish’ and ‘bad’ for not doing what someone else wants even when what is wanted is actually impossible for someone else to do for someone like change their disposition.
Understanding what is going on – like a person is feeling unable to deal with something – is helping me see the part I can play, even if it is to respectfully say this is not for me to do and perhaps offer an explanation.
Yesterday I was standing in the Tube and crossed eyes with a lady who was sitting down. She smiled before I could even focus my gaze on her and in response I smiled back. What I felt however was not an openness and a willingness to connect, quite the opposite actually. The smile was there as a form of protection, the lady felt very anxious and I I could just sense how she felt secure behind this mask – behind the armour of “I am nice, please don’t hurt me”.
Thank you Amita. When we let go of things that we no longer want – we see and are able to see clearly what hasnt served us and what can actually truly serve us and others. It shows us that coming to this point requires honesty + our willingness to let go of the comfort and move on with something deeper (new).
Amita, reading this I can feel how harmful for ourselves and others being nice really is; ‘Now when I sit with this in truth I realise that it is so harming, as I am not being open and honest when things are truly wrong or behaviours are not acceptable, especially when I have felt the truth in my body.’
I am caught up in being nice for sure – but slowly peeling the layers back on it to return to truth. I love the comment ‘being nice is giving our power away’ – it illustrates why so many of us live lesser and at the whim of things outside of us, rather than in the fullness of ourselves living with responsively and responsibly. In this state (lesser and giving power away) exhaustion is fed.
Yes, to oscillate between niceness and hardness often isn’t fun. Being love is much more nourishing. Others are then less predictable but I find it is worth it.
Being nice can be super painful, playing nice when discounting what we truly feel plays havoc with our physiology.
Yes niceness is not sustaining, it might be temporarily offering us comfort but never long-lasting health of our relationships.
I agree Lieke as I realised that at the end of the day being nice does not change how we honestly feel within, and it often felt to me like I was selling out.
Niceness feels like a mask I wear, that covers how I feel and what I need to say at that moment. It is not me, and this mask feels nasty.
In the last week I have realised that there are different layers and even though we may have cleared the obvious layers of nice there are the subtle layers to work on. These will be presented to us in many ways until we have truly exposed nice in our body.
I am only just realising the poison of ‘being nice.’ The extent of the poison we accept and dish out is truly terrible.
We are so controlled by niceness and I just noticed that nice has an ice in it, which is not really surprising because it has none of the warmth of love.
So true Nicola, when we can allow ourselves to read at this level, we can see there is no warmth in nice.
‘Normally I would get caught in other people’s lives, issues and dramas, and with that I would feel sorry for them and then get caught in being nice by wanting to help rather than being open and truthful in my expression of what I feel in that moment.’ I’ve always had a penchant for being sympathetic and, prior to reading this, I’d never equated it with being nice. But now I see the two go hand in hand. They both ignore truth and the responsibility of inherent in our choices. If I choose to be nice rather than truthfully calling out something that isn’t loving then it’s comforting to be sympathetic. Sympathy ignores our (huge) part we have played in creating whatever it is that ails us and being nice is to ignore this fact.
It poisons us a little inside when we don’t speak up but want to. Any parents reading, I encourage you to give permission for your children to speak freely and learn how to express themselves in all situations. There may be some classic awkward moments but actually the honesty will be incredibly refreshing.
This is a big one, especially for women, as being nice is so encouraged but in fact it’s a real dampner on true expression and communication because everything gets coated in that nice blanket and much is not felt or said. To remove it is to open ourselves up to truly feeling what is there for us and another and the basis for honest communication.
Absolutely Monica it blocks all true expression and communication. It is one to really catch and be honest about.
We think that being nice is what people want but it is isn’t what people want at all. What I have discovered is that people want is love and truth.
Yes I agree people want love,, truth and respect. They want to be treated as equals.
I’ve been seeing how many sneaky ways nice plays out everyday in my relationships and around me. The people who bully are usually the ones that many including myself can be nice to. Whereas its super clear that the bully doesn’t get to truly feel and see how much they are being a bully if everyone is being superficially ‘nice’ to them. In my own experience there have been different gradients of bullying that I have come with nice to and others I have absolutely stood up to.
‘…it’s not about others liking me, but about my own self-love, self-respect and being loving to myself.’ This really resonates with me, a knowing I can live. Rather than the uncertainty of giving my power away this is a truth to be felt with authority.
What was really supportive for me was to stop judging myself and allowing self-love, self-respect in, by beginning to love myself. When we give that space for ourselves we empower ourselves.
Being nice…why do we do this when it doesn’t feel nice to play nice, at all? When we actually feel into nice it feels sticky, sickly sweet and totally fake. It’s so much less than who we are, so controlled and contracted, and all our relationships suffer for it- most of all, the one we have with ourselves.
When we play nice and negate our own needs we erode our sense of self-worth. Love how you’ve shared Amita that the antidote to this well known pattern of behaviour begins with self love: developing a loving relationship with our body, and learning to listen and act on its messages to us.
‘Saying yes when I mean no’ Oh I know this one well – caught up in being nice always costs. I could say I fear being judged as mean or selfish or heartless, but actually it’s just being seen – seen for being the amazing being that I am. Yes, the judgements can come in thick and fast, but when I stop playing, ‘I’ll not call you on pretending not to be the amazing person you are if you let me off too’ the niceness drops away and I’m left being transparent in who I am. Letting myself feel how toxic being nice is for all parties (not covering it up with resentment, frustration, self-bashing etc.) exposes the price paid to cover up being all of who we are, is too high.
I know Karin, I can at times struggle with being absolute in making a decision with our teenagers because of the potential judgments of what other parents have decided. I can see though when I do this it’s just another form of being nice and saying, see we’re doing the same.
This is a great sharing Aimee as I often see this with young families that use nice to parent when the impact of this is shown years later in how families are living and communicating in the teen years that is far from true.
The sheer number of comments on this blog are an indicator that we all see the ‘nice’ and know innately what it’s opposite is – Truth.
Yes the simplicity of truth, we all know of and yet have been holding back.