Children can be very cute, adorable, loveable and gorgeous, all knowing, extremely observant, and often one step ahead of us. So when it comes to raising children there is a lot to get your head around so to speak, as they are a complete package â each one an individual with different needs and expressions.Â
I know that for us, having our first child â as with many parents â was amazing, special and totally unlike anything we had ever experienced before, on many levels. Our daughter was what you would call an easy child â she slept well, ate well and was always content and happy. Â
So here we had a little person ready to take on the world, needing support, love and guidance, looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world.Â
We knew instantly we had to parent in a way that allowed her to be who she was, for us to not impose on her in any way, but at the same time to educate her and show her that the choices she made and how she chose to live impacted on everyone and everything⌠that in life there were consequences for the choices she made and that no matter what those choices were, there was always a flow on effect of some kind.Â
Introducing boundaries and consequences felt like a way to support her in feeling the consequences of her choices. It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility. As parents, we felt that without having boundaries and consequences for her behaviour and choices she would quite quickly become a big person without the understanding of what it is to truly support herself and others.Â
It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked âHow would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?â Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions.Â
We lived in a home where we all supported each other, letting each other know how things felt, constantly allowing ourselves to feel what was needed, being responsible for our choices and how they impacted on everyone, and as parents we felt she was no exception to this level of responsibility.Â
It was a constant unfolding in our own lives, something we were constantly refining and adjusting as needed;Â our routines, rhythms, sleep patterns, diet, everything was always shifting, our choices were always being looked at and our level of responsibility was forever expanding and deepening.Â
We had our own boundaries and consequences, so when we introduced these to her it was nothing new; it was not only her â she could see and feel the level of responsibility we lived ourselves and she was part of that.Â
As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt.Â
It was a natural progression for her to feel what was needed next, and now at times she is often making adjustments for what is needed before I have.Â
Because our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her. She can feel the consistency, love and absoluteness and because of these qualities she has no resistance, only an allowing choice to let herself feel and to go there.Â
The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her. It is with this loving support from all of us equally that we have been able to see that for us, boundaries and consequences have supported, and continue to support us immensely. We had to start with ourselves, living and being responsible for the way we lived and for our choices. Â
You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.
Published with permission from Michael Serafin.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
Parenting our Children
Parenting
Building true relationships and positive parenting
Nicole this way of parenting makes sense to me
‘It began with the little things, such as if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption. If she spoke in a way that was harmful, then she was asked âHow would you feel if someone spoke to you, or about you, in this way?â Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions.’
I have found from my own experience that children actually want boundaries as it gives them a sense of steadiness they can rely on. I have also witnessed parents who bring their children up with no boundaries and then expect their teenager to behave like an adult when they have not been given any ground rules and so are in the most part uncontrollable and that can be quite scary for them and their parents.
Setting boundaries and consequences supports anyone to understand cause and effect.
One of the super sad things about young adults these days is that they don’t know themselves, they don’t know their worth or their potential and one of the reasons for this is because of lack of boundaries when growing up.
I agree with you anonymous children and young adults are growing up under such pressures such as they must succeed and be successful and if they don’t achieve this then they have failed in some way. The health statistics tells us that depression, anxiety, and suicide has sky rocketed over the last 10 years in children and young adults. My question has to be why are we failing our children so that they feel they cannot cope with life.
Thank you Nicole, I agree, as every reflection in life has to have a starting point and thus our way of living has to match our words as we all have felt what someone elseâs un-lived try to fix another feels like.
When we give our children boundaries and responsibility we are actually providing a strong foundation for an amazing life.
Having boundaries and consequences is so important for any child. Otherwise they are left âat seaâ and tantrums can continue longer than the terrible twos as they know they can always get their own way. Learning responsibility at a young age enables them to grow into responsible adults.
I feel that if we raised our children to understand choices and the consequences of those choices from a young age it would be a huge support for them to grow up and be responsible adults. For my part I don’t see this occurring with the children of today from my experience they are being brought up by irresponsible parents who then when they are confronted by a ‘stroppy’ teenager throw up their hands and say something like
“after all I have done for you, you turn out like this”
We all need boundaries and consequences for life will provide this for us in the end, if we do not provide them for ourselves.
With out learning consequences we remain unaware and stagnant.
“Boundaries and Consequences when Parenting: Do we Need them?” the answer is all the time. Without boundaries and consequences we become irresponsible adults.
Its funny when we consider that it’s only children need consequences, we all need them – and some.
Parents need consequences and boundaries as much as children do, and in some cases – more than children do.
When do we need consequences and boundaries – constantly. We all need to feel the results of our actions.
This is true, we all need boundaries, and to know there are consequences, it is part of having responsibility, ‘The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her’.
Children can be called ‘cheeky’ or be reprimanded when they expose a grown up however the grown-ups’ reaction clarifies that they have felt the truth of what the child has offered them.
Having boundaries and a knowing of consequences provides a foundation of security, a point of trust, from which a child can explore their world and have a place of surety to return to.
So true Jonathan. The world can be a scary place if a child feels omnipotent in that their whims are always adhered to. We all need boundaries in life. Hence the need for law and order because even adults are shown to not respect their responsibilities, so major consequences such as prison and community service are needed in order to teach us. Whether these work is another matter……
We need boundaries and consequences all the time, they are a reality. Both adults and children need to know them well. They promote responsibility for children and adults. The joy of it is all a part of the fun of living and learning.
I work in the care industry and there is always a steady stream of staff that break the law. I have always felt that the boundaries that people adhere to are set by themselves rather than the organisation. There are many people whose work is exemplary and they are the ones that never need boundaries.
As a child or as an adult, it is through consequences that we learn best in life.
To grow up without impositions and being allowed to be who you are is indeed possible as I have been witness to some children being brought up like this. However it is certainly the exception and not the norm in our current society. I am not here referring to New Age parenting where the child is allowed to ‘do’ whatever they want, but rather to a more natural way of parenting where old school boundaries are present in terms of what is ok to do or not do, however, who and how the child is, is not imposed upon. This is a beautiful and respectful way to be brought up.
I love what you have shared here Nicole that parenting a child begins with parenting yourself first.
Yes, if we are unable to parent ourselves, then we will struggle to parent another.
“She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions. ” What a life lesson to be learning from such a early age. Awesome work.
Without consequences that are consistent we donât end up supporting our kids to be all of whom they are. It can be easy to let things slide but then our kids donât know what is true and what is not.
Yes David, it is the consistency with carrying out the consequences that truly supports children otherwise they get to know that they can get away with things that are not supportive, not just towards themselves but towards the whole of the family.
Our every move a gesture has a consequence, on everyone, including our children, so we would do well to be aware of our own boundaries.
I so agree Joseph, my mother was very strict with me but that is not the same as boundaries, in fact it was domination. Without the care to educate a child about their own boundaries they do not feel safe in their environment or even with themselves. It takes a lifelong learning to redress the balance and learn about the consequences.
Confusion sets in when boundaries that have been set are then crossed, or when two parents/adults disagree on where the boundaries should be. When this happens, theres no wonder a child can grow up feeling unsure of who they are and what they can do or not do.
Spot on Sandra – as parents how important is is to be on the same page otherwise this creates instability and confusion.
And a opportunity for the children to feel a confused
I agree Sandra, so many parents have a good and bad cop but thereâs no unity or shared philosophy in this style of parenting and the kids know which parent to go to for what. Parenting should be based on a shared philosophy and preferably one that has love and truth as itâs guiding principles rather than fear and punishment.
It is beautiful for children to have gentle, responsible, honest, true role models – what a great way to raise children.
I’m with you there, and what a great way to parent ourselves. Most of us have not had the ideal parenting, so using boundaries and consequences for ourselves, alongside the willingness to learn, dedicated to our evolution – this is gold.
Nicole, living by example feels great, children can then be inspired rather than having to follow a set of rules.
Children often align with thier role models, teach a child to take care of their surrounding, life and responsibility through example and living it, the telling and pushing does not work. Boundaries are essential for a children to understand life, cooperation and responsibility, we need to live this understanding ourselves as adults.
It makes for adults that are constantly uneasy and unsatisfied. We are settled and stable when we understand that what we put into life we get back, irresponsibility which is endemic leads to harm, dissatisfaction and lack of true purpose.
Yes Gill that is the absolute gold it is all held and delivered from love, steadfast unwavering love.
The real boundaries in life are what is true and what is not. God knows like a petulant spoilt child weâve pushed the limit on indulging in the lies. Set this boundary for ourselves and we might find we and love are boundless.
A living, ‘walking the walk’ rather than ‘talking the talk’ example will always be the most inspiring reflection.
Another version of boundaries is ‘standards’. A level of living below which we do not drop and, if we do we need pulling up – no matter what our age or ‘position’ in the family may be.
Boundaries and consequences truly teach us about responsibility. Getting this as a child is a wonderful gift we can give our children.
This is a beautiful way of raising a child as well as living together. Itâs a responsibility for the whole family, a way of life that is lived by the parent and then naturally shared with the child.
Each person´s actions has consequences for others. This is not necessarily easy to accept, but once you are aware of this and can see how it plays out practically, you are faced with the question of what to do with this fact of life regarding both yourself and others. The difficult situation comes when the other either cannot see it or can but ´does not care´ about this fact. This brings to the fore a very different situation to deal with.
Most wish for the day when they can do anything they want, with no consequences, no one to be answerable to and no feedback. Yet life on our planet is designed to always bring boundaries and consequences. These could be severe like having an accident or falling out with someone, and it could be much more subtle like not quite feeling yourself or sensing more separation with a loved one. The problem is that we have learned ways to numb ourself to life lessons and only acknowledge something is wrong when we are hit with something extreme. Teaching children about boundaries and consequences and allowing them to gain an intimate understanding of this aspect of life is an invaluable support.
More than anything we all adore and need a consistency of love and holding. When this exists, and people sense they are being connected to, thereâs not so much craziness that they are inclined to get up to.
When we know what the quality of truth and love is and feels like in our bodies, we then are able to not only offer this reflection but also offer loving pull-ups for each other when this quality of truth and love is not lived. This is vitally important guidance when we are children learning how to live who we are in a world that continually ask us not to be who we are. The more we ourselves are living guided by our connection to truth from within, we then are able to offer the support and reflection to our children, which may play out in different ways for each child, but all is founded from the same quality of truth that represents the quality of the love we all are in essence.
I love this, it has infused me with an inspiration that I feel pulled to in my own life, and honestly this feels to be the parenting method that works, live the example that words alone cannot inspire.
It make so much sense that when a child is shown by example that her choices and way of life come from what is first felt, there can be no resistance as experience is undeniable.
The more I see my 2yr old for what she is – completely capable and independent – the more important it becomes that boundaries are set. She loves doing things ‘her way’ so we now give her a choice – is it A or B – and then she feels empowered to choose and then understand the consequences of each choice.
I see the role modelling that can be done in how we live, through this article, without telling our children to do anything. This influence is great and we discount how we live effects those around us.
I feel it is the most important thing to live with immense love and care for ourselves the power of this felt well beyond a behaviour management technique.
I have found that boundaries and consequences work well with my son and that these allow him to be respectful and considerate and not take things for granted.
We are not preparing our kids for life if we do not put boundaries in place and allow consequences to play out. Looking back on my parenting there were rules rather than standards set in our house. Standards come from the lines in the sand that we do not cross, in how we behave and treat each other. This carries a message of love, that confirms that we naturally have integrity and if we cross a line, we are no longer being true to ourselves.
” So when it comes to raising children there is a lot to get your head around so to speak, as they are a complete package â each one an individual with different needs and expressions.” – agree Nicole, and also this is why it makes sense to me that a couple just don’t raise their (own) child, but those close around them do too since a child given their unique expression, benefits and needs different expressions other than those of their biological parents. As adults we are all responsible for the raising of a child in their truth.
If children don’t feel it is coming from someone living what they are expressing is the boundary, not only do they react to the boundary but they are being set up to believe that living the same double standard is okay to take into their own adult lives.
Yes a life of hypocrisy is founded on watching others say something but not live it and children constantly sense this and see it in their role models. I know I did and I play out this hypocrisy to some degree, where I want my cake and I want to eat it too…no perfection here, I am learning to parent and be the role model I need to be. It is like layers of âthat will doâ and personal agendas need to be shed (healed) to get back ti the beauty and love and truth that is within, which is there to be expressed for all.
When love is the boundary, we find there are no limits to consequences since every consequence rooted in love is destined only for our evolving and evolution.
It is really key that it starts with ourselves first. But I would not claim that this always results in cooperation rather it could produce a lot of resistance very dependant on the individuals relationship with love.
I wish I had to feel more consequences in my childhood. I would have saved many years of returning back to a state of being that fully takes responsibility for their actions and who chooses things to do with respect to others, instead of thinking that I can get away with it anyway. In fact I got truly mature through these different choices- as I respected other peoples boundaries and met them at eye level .
Only reading the title my answer is YES! It is pure love to set boundaries instead of letting your child do whatever it wants. It communicates that you actually truly care- you truly care about their potential and whenever they come below that, you pull them up to not continue with needs or behaviours, that let their potential delay instead of blossom.
This blog is beautiful Nicole and highlights how the quality of our movements and choices (or not) is what children learn from by observation backed up with the consistent way of living from the one they are observing.
. “As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt”.
It is so refreshing hearing about parents who do their best to bring us a child knowing who she is and not compromising herself in any way
Indeed, we can support children by connecting with them and honouring their equal ability to feel life and understand what is happening in life.
No matter how parents parented, having a child is taking on a forever evolving responsibility. There is never a right or wrong just a deeper responsibility we take with ourselves and our children.
The setting of boundaries based on understanding the consequences of our actions is based on a loving way of life which will serve humanity well.
There are no single set of rules that work with every or even a single child however our loving boundaries provide space in which they can learn from themselves.
Of Course itâs not just children who need loving boundaries we all need to have clear roles and responsibilities and aware of the consequences when we go out of these.
It offers so much more wisdom to read your kids rather than parenting books. The more I am open to responding to what is needed, the more I understand what our toddler needs to grow and develop
It is through consequences that we truly understand the affect/effect of our choices for ourselves and for everyone around us, and allows us to develop an awareness of true responsibility in our life.
Great point Nicole, ‘You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.’ I started parenting with what I learned from observing other parents around me. It didn’t take me long to realise what I have picked up didn’t work. I was at times a bit lost with parenting, as I knew the way I was brought up wouldn’t be how I’d like to parent my own children but I didn’t witness any true parenting in my community until I came to Universal Medicine. I went by what felt true and through observing my relationship with my children I was able to develop my parenting skills through learning from my children and trusting my own inner wisdom.
If there were no consequences, for anything, ever, we’d be even more reckless as a human race. We do what we like to our bodies because often the effects aren’t immediately felt, but it’s the little everyday choices that build up over time, that all affect our health, wellbeing and relationships. Starting to build a loving relationship with our bodies where we tune into what we’re feeling more often, helps to narrow the gap between the action and the consequences- so we get to feel the consequences of our choices much more clearly, and with that, the opportunity to make more supportive choices is much more obvious too.
Teaching our children that every choice has a consequence, not only for them but for all around them, is the greatest lesson they can learn as it will raise them to stay aware, be responsible and all encompassing in the way they live.
This is so important Carolien, what you’ve shared is very much needed in our parenting. To raise our children to be super aware is one of the best ways we can support them through life.
Nicole, thank you for sharing your experiences of raising your daughter, as a parent I find this really helpful and supportive.
I totally get the bit about needing to parent ourselves before we parent others. Too often I find myself tripping into parent mode without the foundation of living the example I am calling someone else to step up to.
As souls we belong to a measureless space that is known as esoterically as the Universe or Godâs body. Therefore there is a part of us that knows there is no end to the depth we can go. However, as humans we live in a physical body and in this sense have put a boundary or delineation on space by virtue of our existence in this physicality. All that said, as children we come into the world very connected to our soul but also with an age-old spirit that knows all the tricks and manoeuvres to delay our inevitable return to the immeasurable space (formlessness) we belong to. As parents we have a very specific responsibility to support our children to a) feel safe in this realm b) not let their spirit run rampant, and this is done by setting clear boundaries and consequences so that the child, a spirit + soul in his/her own right, develops a healthy relationship with responsibility and their own evolution back to Soul.
The reflection of being consistent and responsible within our own lifes as a parent provides a child with the space to make the same kind of choices instead of rebelling because what they see and what they feel is not matching up.
There are always consequences to our actions. This is the law of cause and effect. Such an important thing for us as a race to know more deeply so why would we not introduce this to children as early as possible?
What I have noticed is when we are ending we want to give boundaries and then follow that with consequences is either where to bury with other things be it work, social media, socialising or the other is when we are trying to be nice and wanting the child to like us. It doesnât work out so well when thatâs behind a relationship.
Thank you for sharing the way your daughter was raised – it shows that from day dot we can bring accountability and responsibility into the relationship so they understand it is an everyday part of life. I find with my toddler she is absolute in her decisions, and so boundaries and consequences reflect to her the outcome of her choices.
When we live in a family what we do affects others within the home, we can pretend it doesn’t but it does (I have no doubt the ripple effect is much wider than the home but let’s stay with the home for now!) Therefore supporting our children to understand there are consequences to their behaviour is a vital life skill to teach them.
It is very clear that the children we have need a different support and reflection in terms of how we are with them, different but equal, not more or less, but just sensitive to who they are and how to express with them.
When we allow children to express in whatever way we offer them numerous opportunities to learn and grow. My responsibility as a parent is to be true to myself and carry out what is needed in the honouring of who I and my children are.
We often neglect being true to ourselves as if it is selfish, being selfish is in no way the same as living honestly and responsibly and not compromising on that.
Thatâs a great example of lead by example. When ever you hear or are spoken to by someone who is not living what they are saying there is nothing in you that feels inspired or interested in what is being said. Our actions is our words.
Gorgeous to read Nicole how to truly parent our children, consequences and boundaries are a must in parenting as children need to know the effect their choices have, not just on themselves but those around them also, this is a way of understanding what is love and what is not.
It amazes me sometimes how observant children are – they clock everything! So it gets me pondering on how harmful it is when we lie to them eg. we say sugar contributes to decay in teeth and that brushing our teeth twice a day or more is super important which it is but what gives us the right to ban sugar in their diet when we’re consuming it! How can we insist our kids clean their teeth regularly when we’re not carrying it out! I cannot agree more, parenting begins with parenting ourselves first.
Love what is shared here on accountability and responsibility. We are raising a toddler who is strong-willed and if we don’t respond with authority then she walks all over people. She loves the clarity of yes or no. It is as simple as that, and so we can’t hold back with her – she is an amazing teacher for us to claim what is true and support her to respond in a loving way
It is much simpler to be with children who have had boundaries at home.
Boundaries and consequences are so important so we can learn what is acceptable and loving and what is not. I know for myself growing up I would see how much I could get away with, essentially I was testing my parents and craved boundaries but never really got them and consquences were they were pretty much non-existent. But did that help me even though my parents thought they were being loving, no it did not as it meant I grew up thinking I could manipulate and talk my way out of anything, which I did well but now have had to face some pretty major consequences and have not at all liked them and so fought them hard rather than acceptaing them!
I have always felt that children were baby adults that were unable to express themselves because they did not have the vocabulary to do so when young. But they are able to show their personalities in different ways. I always marveled at how stubborn they can be and also how manipulative too, and for me it made complete sense to believe in reincarnation and that these children were adults in a former life and that’s why they come through with emotional problems, stubbornness, anger etc. Treating them as just babies or children is such a disservice to them as they are so much more and deserve to be treated with this understanding.
She is in a little body but she is much more knowing than her little body gives her credit for. By giving her the consequences of her actions gives her a life skill to consider the ripple effect of her actions.
“You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.” Very wise words Nicole and definitely the first necessary steps to be taken in parenting our children,
Parenting two boys myself this line really stood out to me âYou could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.â The reflection of the choices we offer our children is key to parenting for how can we expect them to take care of themselves if that is not the norm at home. This works all ways too for I know if there is anything going on for my children it is often to do with my own behaviour and looking / dealing with that first, the rest is then taken care of.
This is very true Candida, children often take on the stress/behaviour of their parents and instead of looking to ‘fix’ them when something seems wrong if we can deal with whatever may be happening for ourselves, as you say, ‘the rest is then taken care of’.
We see events as isolated, random and coincidental – yet each one is a direct consequence of the choices we make. Life is always informing us of the quality we have chosen. Although we try to blame others, life brings responsibility back to us.
Working in schools I see first hand the consequences of parenting without boundaries – and believe me it ain’t pretty! Children who are given boundaries have a stronger sense of purpose whilst those with out are far more likely to get swayed by the tide.
The stronger myself, my wife and our family are with consequences and boundaries with our daughter the more strength she has to be steady and solid in herself. It’s quite amazing the difference.
Thank you Nicole, this should be taught before we have a baby as one o one of raising our children with Love so we both get the respect and decency from each other.
As a kid, consequences for me shaped me into the man I am today. It would have been detrimental to myself to be kept in a bubble and to think that what I do and say doesn’t have effects and consequences.
Well said Michael, we actually really enjoy being responsible because it empowers us to know we can make a difference, that we have an impact on life. It reminds us of our purpose.
If every child was raised to take responsibility for their choices and behaviours, we would eventually see a very different world.
It’s truly beautiful when families lovingly call out if someone is being irresponsible and support them to return to harmony. No need for judgement only understanding.
True love is giving our children a choice to take responsibilty. It will enable them to see life from a true perspective.
The beautiful thing of learning about consequences and boundaries is that we realise the power we all hold, and that every move we make impacts greatly on other and the world we are part of. As such we become aware of the responsibility we also hold as to how we are choosing to be with the power we hold, or not be.
Yes that is beautiful, that we can bring through so much love through how we are in the world. Responsibility is often something we try to mitigate because we think it is bad in that it’s hard work and onerous. I’m discovering, yes a little little by little, that’s it’s actually a joy, it’s part of my rhythm and being irresponsible feels incredibly yuck.
Thereâs a recklessness in us that likes to think itâs unbounded and unrestricted and âcan do what it likesâ. Yes itâs true we are all connected and unlimited but this simply means that every move or choice we make affects everything else. Talk about serious consequences! If we want Life to be loving we know what to do – live with integrity and truth.
A boundary is just consistently knowing what is true – and in that you know thereâs no end or limit to you, but itâs clear as day and night what is right.
There are consequences to everything in life. To give a child âcarte blancheâ produces a super unrealistic view of life. The key is to understand that consequences are never punishments but supportive learnings and so we should deliver them like that.
That is a great point to make Joseph. If consequences are delivered as punishments there will only be resistance and resentment and the learning and growth on offer will be completely missed.
Boundaries and consequences aren’t about a loveless one-way relationship where someone sets down the ‘rules’ and others have to follow them. They can be about learning, and showing someone the effects of how we choose to live, and therefore a growing environment.
Boundaries and consequences also apply to how we are with ourselves – knowing and honouring our body’s limits, and learning from the consequences when we push it too far – or the opposite, i.e. when we don’t commit in full. Building an honest relationship with our bodies supports us to feel the consequences of all our choices and actions much more clearly, and to learn from them.
When something is lived I can’t deny it in them, if I resist it’s me not wanting to live that quality as well. It’s nothing to do with them as that is solid. And because it is solid it’s not asking anything of me, just an invitation. Invitations are more inviting than force or pushing.
Honouring myself as I parent and living what is true by example is what I call true parenting. My children are then invited to do the same. It is the same when I do not honour myself, there is an opening, an invitation for them to do the same. What becomes apparent though is, we may carry out consequences to teach our children but do we carry out consequences that support and teach ourselves?
Having the privilege to visit and work in schools I see this all the time – I find the schools that have more boundaries are the schools that the children feel most safe in.
This makes a lot of sense, most of us would feel that true boundaries come with a beholding quality.
Parenting has deepened my experience of who I am. It has supported me to tap into the awareness and wisdom I hold within and confirmed the awareness and wisdom my children have within them also.
Setting boundaries can appear mean or harsh but children and adults alike can learn so much from having boundaries set in place. We think as adults boundaries need only be set for children but boundaries are vital if we want to have true, loving relationships built on from the foundation of love for self.
This is so important to understand that we have to appreciate that our choices have a consequence. That everything that we decide actually effects everyone and the Universe. We need to live with this in our every moment and with this as our truth we call others to account.
One of the greatest responsibilities we have is to be true role models in the world.
I so agree with you Eva, the old saying ‘do as I say don’t do as I do’ has proven to be a great failure. Children observe all the time and our sensitive to what is true and what not. If we do not live for ourselves what we would want for them they will not know it to be real or possible.
Beautifully expressed Eva, this is so, so true and our world is starved of inspiring role models. So, we can step up at any time and be the true role model the world needs. When we take responsibility for our life we are impacting positively on the rest of the world too.
Its not just children that need boundaries and consequence, us adults can run wild without them, best to instil them at an early age rather then there be painful and unneeded consequences at a later date.
Seeing a child as equal works on both levels. They get confirmed to be the grandness they are, but also exposed for the fact that they can at times be cunning, deceiving and destructive.
It is amazing how responsible children can be, and how they can take the bigger impact full affects of their actions and behaviours in to their stride and actually work to live in more harmony with everyone around them.
Consequences are out of fashion at present and everything goes, especially in cases of ‘trauma’ when everything gets excused, overlooked and pampered to. But there are natural consequences â when I don’t pay my rent for months, I eventually will get evicted. What a rude awakening if natural consequences have not been part of how children are brought up.
Gabriele, the more I understand about consequences the more I have come to see the blessing of them. It’s incredible to appreciate how amazing consequences are for our evolution. Now I see avoiding consequences is inline with avoiding evolution.
Me too, that’s a great point. If we had no consequences and could do whatever we wanted and then suddenly click our fingers and everything would be ok then how and why would we learn from our mistakes or ill choices?
Boundaries are often seen as punishments or used as punishments but in truth they are about teaching responsibility an accountability the punishment, right and wrong and so on is not needed to be added.
There are so many examples of where problems facing humanity occur when all boundaries of decency are absent, what more reason would we need to have boundaries and consequences for our children.
Today many express their wants and desires which are often not their truths and the focus is all about themselves and very little consideration that this has on others- as long as they get what they want, that is all that matters to them, however, when we operate in this way, we all miss out.
It is brilliant to hear a parent speak about boundaries and consequences, as they are very needed in parenting. My observation is that children do much better when they are parented like that.
This is brilliant Nicole, parenting our children means we first have to parent ourselves. I appreciate it when my children pull us up when we step out of line. It is amazing to embrace equality and love in our family. This was unheard of when I was growing up, children were never allowed to point out things that were unloving or untrue. It was the case that the parents are always right and children are not allowed to speak up. There is no growth or learning in this restricted form of parenting, whereas the example you shared Nicole is incredibly supportive, loving and encourages each other to grow and evolve.
I love the fact that your daughter can call you out on things also – this is usually frowned upon and seen as the child being sassy or cheeky, but why shouldn’t they.
I love this fact too Julie. My children do the same to us. It is always done so lovingly and without hesitation. It can sometimes feel very uncomfortable to be pulled up and be exposed but it is always welcomed in our family when anyone speaks up.
I agree Julie, it is awesome when we let ourselves learn from our children rather than having the tendency to act like adults know better. Children often come out with the most amazing comments and what I love is they usually just say things the way they are without thinking they have to hold back.
Sounds like a good mix of ingredients to raise a child, consistency, love and absoluteness…super steady.
Sometimes we all can be supported by boundaries and consequences, no better time to learn than when we are children.
In the past parents used to beat their children to “endorse discipline”, today as a result of that we have parents who let their children run loose and cause havoc. What will it take us to connect to our children, learn with them and grow together?
Great point Viktoria. Bringing back boundaries and an awareness of the consequences of stepping over those boundaries would be a good place to start. I always found and still do, that explaining why certain things can or cant be, really supports another to understand why some things are acceptable and some aren’t.
This is the most natural way to parent when we just be ourselves. We donât need to take ourselves away from us and become a role.
Indeed it is Adele, just being ourselves is the best way to do anything and everything without trying to be someone or prove anything to anyone. Life is so simple the more I am myself, knowing that being myself is more than enough in any moment.
We associate discipline with hardness but this neednât be – true guidance and leadership comes from a firmness and solidness in us and can still be delivered tenderly. With absolute trust we just express what feels true without second guessing ourselves. Thank you Nicole for this life lesson.
Lovely to read this Joseph and appreciate the holding quality of discipline when it come from love.
“She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions” – and feel the side of love too. Love being the ultimate raiser and nurturer of anyone, anything. Everything.
Boundaries and Consequences when Parenting: Do we Need them?” Everything in me says that we do because when we give children boundaries and consequences we raise them to live the truth of who they are.
Agreed Elizabeth, its something that supports our kids more than they let on yet something that I know I wished I had more of looking back, the key is why we have them – when its about supporting our kids to be and grow up being all they are thats quite amazing.
Growing up I always tested the boundaries as was never sure quite what they were. I never really had any consequences as I could always talk my way out of things. The problem with this is that it meant I never had to fully take respinsibility for my choices and felt I could really get away with anything. This has had devastating effects on those closest to me as I continued to test boundaries and wanted others to prove they loved me. But it meant I would go too far at times and the consequences I more recently had to face have been massive, not as a punishment but rather as a way if saying that was way out of line you need to take responsibility for your actions and learn that choices have consequences.
” As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt. ”
This makes sense to kids , children learn from reflection , if one lives what is truly true kids will understand.
The law of cause and effect is a fact of life, why would we not teach children about this as early as possible?
If we raise kids without an understanding that every choice and action we make has a consequence then that child later has to learn as an adult what consequences mean when the stakes are much higher. I agree that it’s super important to instil a sense of responsibility when it comes to our choices and the repercussions that can occur if our choices are not what they could be.
The consequences and repercussions later in life get more extreme and can have deeply devastating effects if we have not learnt what responsibility truly is and how every choice has a consequence whether or not we want to see it. I found that the consequences, if any initially, start out small but slowly get bigger and with that affect more people. So I agree it is super important we instill a sense of responsibility with our children when they are young.
It’s incredible to see such a parenting role model. I often ask myself “what would the world be like if parents taught their children to be honest, rather than to be good?” and I feel your method of parenting brings exactly that – the openness to let our children tell us what they’re feeling without cutting them down. Something which can be very difficult for adults because we live the arrogance of “I’m older so I know better”, completely disempowering children.
As a parent I can see that it is vital to be clear and transparent about consequences of our actions and choices, it is also very important that we understand that these actions and choices ripple out in to our life and others. I have found that I need to keep working myself to be of true support to my children, so that the boundaries, consequences and situations that we find ourselves in are fair, loving and supportive.
Without limits and consequences how do we learn that we have impacted or not considered another?
Isnât there something deeply wrong, that we often wait till we become parents to treat life as a precious gift and decide to take responsibility? To me, this shows how deep in disregard we have lived, hiding our heads from the simple fact that every moment we are alive we make movements which give birth to many consequences. The question is do we nurture Love? Or ignore the call to check out some more? Thank you Nicole for this thought provoking blog.
Introducing boundaries and consequences to children in a loving way is so needed when we consider how many adults live without this!
If we choose to be aware, weâll see that life has inbuilt, itâs own natural boundaries and consequences. It does not by any means, restrict our choices but it does deliver clear results based on what we choose. We just spend our life trying to deny and avoid this. The sooner we surrender to divine discipline the easier it is to make love our way. Thank you Nicole for shining your light here.
Yes and I feel they respect us more when they see we hold ourselves to the same benchmark of respect, decency and accountability.
Being accountable for our actions is such a gift. It is how we remember that we are all from the same source, that we all live in the same space and that we are all affected by our own and others’ choices.
I too had to learn how to parent myself as a parent as I tried many different ways and it didn’t work. The more I live and show by example, the easier it has been for my daughter to get it.
We are constantly reflecting to each other and particularly to our children, so if we stay up late, do not drink enough water, leave our coat undone etc., then it is really of no surprise that our children copy and do the same. The difficulty is we want children to do what we say and not as we do which creates a tension. It is only when we live what we want our children to live that we see true change start to happen.
Looking back I am deeply appreciating the process of understanding parenting and reimprinting it. At times it felt like the most difficult thing to me, but now looking back I can see it was all necessary and keeping steady and not giving up, never giving up the love for myself was the key to rebuild this foundation.
I can remember growing up and having the boundaries that were set in place and at the time was really not wanting them or felt restricted. But now looking back I can see how some basic fundamental boundaries were the foraging of a foundation that was respectful and called me to be the adult and take responsibility. A life long skill.
I fully agree, if we do not have consequences we just think we can get away with pretty much anything and never truly learn. And then when someone actually makes us responsible for our actions the consequences can be devastating because of how far we stepped away. Whereas when we learn them early there is no need to such extreme behaviours because we will see the results and so not venture there.
It’s beautiful to observe parent setting loving boundaries for children and then holding them in these lovingly for them to make their choices and to realise they are responsible for the next step they take.
Absolutely Elizabeth we do need boundaries and there are consequences.
Not only do we need boundaries and consequences as children, we need them as adults as well.
Awesome to read how your daughter so naturally responded, without resistance, because she felt that she was being offered the opportunity to decide for herself, and to feel the consequences of her choices, instead of having the choices forced upon her because of a neediness from you for her to be a certain way. When we allow others the space to make their own choices, and feel the consequences of those, that is truly loving, true parenting – no judgment, blame, or need, just allowing, accepting and love. Beautiful.
Nicole, I love how you have asked your daughter to take responsibility for how she is in the home, this feels like a loving way for children to be – contributing, supporting and taking responsibility; ‘We lived in a home where we all supported each other, letting each other know how things felt, constantly allowing ourselves to feel what was needed, being responsible for our choices and how they impacted on everyone’.
Children love and thrive on responsibility.
Boundaries support a gaining of an understanding of order – the way of the universe.
Parenting of the future for sure! Because being their friend, letting them run loose, putting in front of a screen or bubble wrapping them does not engender responsibility.
It’s so important to have boundaries as children and learn the consequences of crossing them. With this as a foundation for life we are then more able to parent ourselves as adults. If this has been lacking we are free to run wild in the world without being aware of the consequences of our behaviour.
Children are adults in a small body. When you treat a child like a child, it will behave like one.
And give a child a real sense of responsibility and it will embrace it with everything it has.
Even as adults, we need boundaries and understand the consequences of our actions so we can be responsible – and this can begin to be built in our childhood (although we can teach ourselves, itâs never too late). Without the routines, I had in place from a young age and through my teenage years, it would be so much harder to stay steady through my studies and working, not getting overly exhausted and staying healthy.
It was interesting to note this line about your child “looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world. ” We are much more aware of this role that when a child is growing up, they are looking to the world about how to be in it. But really, it never stops because we are forever learning and being presented with new opportunities that we are not sure on how to handle and look around (or on Google! ) to find out how. So could you imagine if the world took this job on seriously and realised that they/we are all role models, and are providing reflections to everyone all the time. What would it look like then???
To present boundaries and consequences to children is to truly love them.
“As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt.” Beautiful advice Nicole that is not only lived, felt and expressed but a movement or series of movements that will then be reflected to all others. Thank you.
Having boundaries for children is telling them they are loved and truly cared for and gives them a feeling of true support and holding because at those times when they arc up or react, they are not themselves and need to be guided by a loving authorative parent.
I love being given boundaries as they help keep me on track. Growing up I always tried to push them as it was a way of getting attention. However as I got older the boundaries got wider as did my extremes to gain attention, which is crazy looking back. What I now see is important is for us all to learn responsibility and also in turn learn consequences when we step over the line.
Yes how we live and what choices we make does have an impact that is far reaching, and it is important we understand this responsibility, ‘that in life there were consequences for the choices she made and that no matter what those choices were, there was always a flow on effect of some kind. ‘
Nicole, I too have found that boundaries and consequences are necessary and work, without these I can feel that there can be no learning and that inappropriate behaviours can be let to run wild and get out of hand. I have found that even though there can be much resistance and reactions to consequences that these for me are a necessary part of my parenting and allow my son to clearly know what is loving and acceptable and what is not.
I absolutely love reading when others share on their life experiences with their own family, as you get to feel and know that there are more families out there sharing with and supporting their kids to know their true selves and be comfortable expressing from this solidness.
I love it as well Julie, knowing how children are being brought up now in a way I would have loved to be brought up myself. But its never too late either and we can always parent ourselves.
I love it when my kids call me when I am doing something disruptive in the home – it feels awesome to be equal with them and a great confirmation that they understand responsibility and that we have raised them to honour and express how they feel.
Thatâs beautiful Andrew – a deep sense of equality in how you live.
As I begin to feel a deeper sense of some of the choices I have been making and the impact it has had on everyone and everything, it really does make me stop and feel some arrogance (lovingly) I have been living in recently. In every movement I make it is worth asking âdoes it really support me, my family and the whole?â Getting a sense of the bigger picture changes everything in how I am and live in the world.
As there are always going to be boundaries and consequences in every aspect of life as this is how things are so it only makes sense to start laying down the guidelines from the very beginning as a child is never too young to understand what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.
I can completely relate to parenting myself first before parenting my daughter. For I have seen first hand that when I make the adjustments that I need to, without saying a word to anyone, she makes shifts for herself that are exactly what is needed next for her.
I wise man once said that the greatest gift we can give our children is that of responsibility, of knowing that each choice they make has a consequence.
Absolute love as children know and feel the difference and it’s when we are not coming with a love and deep authority to care that we can get lost or let situations fall to the side.
Calling each other to accountability is a great way to live, spoken in love and true care it deepens our relationships and the quality that we bring to life.
Boundaries and consequences are the reflections we need to know ourselves as part of and in relationship with the all; without we form a version of self that defines itself as supposedly independent of the all it is inevitably part of and thus lives in incongruence or disharmony with.
Having Boundaries in place for our children is a truly loving choice to make and supports them to grow up aware, responsible and committed to themselves and humanity.
I felt it was very important to set boundaries and consequences when my child was growing up.
I would often explain the consequences of their actions, as an example if they wanted to eat a cake that had come straight out of the oven without waiting for it to cool down then they would probably burn their mouth. Once they insisted in doing this and the consequence was that they burnt their mouth next time they waited for the cake to cool down – lesson learnt.
When I read the title of this article this morning, I immediately responded to myself with ‘I know I do’… as in I feel clearer and more supported when I have simple, solid boundaries in my life. This is me parenting me and it has certainly enhanced my parenting of others.
I love boundaries and consequences. Not only for children, but for myself. Until I learned without a doubt what consequences mean, I felt Life owed me. But with consequences I can see how everything was my choice but it is also my choice to empower or to give my power away. When I learned this thoroughly (thanks to the people who didnât give up in loving me and giving me consequences) by dropping patterns ingrained that were stopping me from really being me, I was able to hold my child in consequences but equally in love.
This is really gorgeous to read again Nicole. I just feel how your daughter has been supported to grow being her own person, but understanding at the same time that we all matter in the equation of being our own people. How to bring up a child being an equal and participating member of the family and the broader community? Boundaries and consequences.
“Because our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her.”
How can there be resistance when everyone around you speaks the same innate language, the language of Love & Responsibility; our mother tongue.
It is because most ‘of our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt’ and then ignored that we are currently in such strife worldwide.
I love the way you say “You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.” We can never truly reflect, inspire and teach anything unless we are living it ourselves first.
Words mean nothing without a body that acutally carries the lived energy of the meaning of the words that come out of the mouth.
Very true Stefanie, so often I was told things growing up and even to this day by someone who does not actually live it themselves and so I would be like well who are you to tell me that. Whereas when someone actually lives what they are saying then it feels completely different as comes with a lived reality rather than an ideal that even they cannot and are not living up to.
Boundaries and consequences that are maintained consistently are incredibly important for children as it establishes a foundation, a known, from which they can step out from to explore and return to as a place that they know is safe, secure and solid.
It is true that the process of parenting is inspiring that children learn simply by how we are. We donât have to say much but they already know and they follow suit. So the responsibility of a parent is in how we live.
‘You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.’ Hear hear, Nicole. There are very few, if any, of us who have been parented the way you describe in your beautiful blog and so, yes, parenting in this loving, supportive way begins with parenting ourselves first. In my case, I had to unlearn the way I was parented at the same time as parenting my son and myself in this ‘new’ way. There has been no perfection in doing so, and much of my parenting in the early days was done through what I now know to be my inner knowing as I didn’t come to the teachings of Universal Medicine until my son was almost a teenager. I endured a lot of criticism and put up with a lot of judgement from others, but I stood firm. The teachings of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon’s presentations have supported me immensely as my son entered his teenage years and is now becoming a young man. Boundaries and consequences for both my son and myself continue to hold lessons of love, growth and evolvement.
We definitely need boundaries and for me some of the best learnings I have had have come from consequences. After all we are here to learn and so will not always get it right, nor are we designed to be perfect. In fact the whole notion of right and wrong is flawed as ultimately we are either love or not love there is no middle ground. The earlier we learn what is love and accepted as such and honoured for the more we will choose love, which is pretty much simply being ourselves. And conversely the quicker we learn the consequences of not being the love we are the more we will see that the quality of our being matters and anythign less is not who we truly are and so is not an acceptable way to be.
For too much of our time on this earth we act as though the boundaries we have in our mind are real. If we stopped doing this quite so much perhaps those close to us would start to behave in a clearer, more at ease way? Food for thought – thank you Nicole.
“It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility” – an incredibly important life lesson.
I tell my children that I am appreciative when they call me out for being stern etc, it is important that this is a two way conversation and not one is better than another, our children are wise, it is time we honoured that and listened to what they have to say.
It absolutely has to be a two way conversation, Samantha. Children bring a knowing into this world that should be welcomed, nurtured and cherished. The way most children to date have been brought up to separate from their absolute knowing has wreaked havoc on their self esteem and self worth, generation after generation. The children of one generation brought up in this havoc then unconsciously raise their children to be raised in the same, if not worse, havoc. Mothers – such as yourself – are the beacon of parenting light that this world is crying out for.
What a beautiful photo that accompanies this blog. If that evident connection and relationship is supported and developed through boundaries and consistency then the world is clearly in need of them as this is not the commonly observed quality I see around me between mother and child.
A beautiful sharing of boundaries and consequences and the importance of these qualities in parenting . The solidness and knowing this offers to our children is a an amazing support to our lives as we grow up and forever and brings love truth and fullness to our lives as a result as does the reflection of his always.
From what I’ve observed consistency is the key to parenting, and even from experience being hot and cold on your side of any relationship justifies the other person being hot and cold too. Kids learn from this that life is up and down and thus respect, care, love, honesty and responsibility are all optional rather than consistent qualities to bring to everything.
I have found the same Susie, consistency is so important with parenting. It is interesting observing how my niece is with different people, she knows who to try to push the boundaries and who not to. She also knows when a no is a no and when it will eventually become an ok and a yes! But all this teaches her is that she can manipulate people through emotions.
By following the model you have portrayed Nicole, it would set the new standard for parenting as what you have shared feels very inspiring for the children in our community! We could search all summer long and we would find that what you have shared is providing the space for our youth to develop in a way where they will be contributing to our community as they mature.
Dissolve the boundaries of who you think you are, and youâll find that you are bright as any star. The âsecretâ to self contentment is to know you are part of something big. We all need guides along the way to remind us this is the case. Thank you Nicole for yours here.
Nicole with my daughter turning two soon its something I can fully appreciate, that is the need for boundaries and the fact of consequences being key. Without them, without true and loving consequences we end up losing who we are. As true consequences are these if we are not being ourselves.
I suppose setting boundaries and having consequences is kind of a way of teaching about karma, for if we have no boundaries as kids we will probably be very irresponsible young adults, thinking we can do as we please without consequences, but as we all know it doesn’t work that way for if the law don’t get you karma will certainly sort things out one way or another.
As a first time mum I really enjoyed reading this as it is true that parenting starts with me first and what reflection am I giving back to my daughter. And recently I have started to look at providing a day of purpose for her, having things we can do together that keeps us on track and does not allow for any irresponsibility. It is also about a rhythm that is stuck to and consistent and provides kids with a known boundary.
I love this understanding of true parenting with a knowing of boundaries and consequences and our responsibility with this .This develops a sound basis of knowing who you are and our guide through life with this foundation and strength. Parenting from a lived reflection of this is the real marker of true love
It is lovely to hear the openness with which there is in your relationship with your daughter especially that you are equally open to her calling you on issues. Such transparency is inspiring.
Boundaries and consequences teach children to learn about the law of cause and effect and ultimately responsibility for their actions.
Boundaries and consequences given lovingly allow children to feel secure.
The more I parent myself the more able I am to parent my daughter.
I’ve observed that wayward children who don’t have boundaries, who can be seen to be crazy, dominating and manipulative, actually have a huge sense of relief when boundaries are set. When boundaries have not been in place there can be an initial reaction, but get past that, and kids love them and respond well.
‘Things were bought back to her, bringing her to accountability and to be responsible for what she said and how she behaved. She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not.’ This is great and can be applied to any one at any age, parent each other with our behaviours, without judgement or criticism just present for it to be felt, consequences and boundaries supporting this.
Wow this is such a fundamental sentence tucked away in this brilliant piece on responsible and loving parenting for each unique child â “It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility.” You can feel that responsibility is there for both, parent AND child, and that age does not reprieve us from it.
That is a super beautiful picture of you both which reflects the love and respect you both have for each other.
More than anyone else, what Iâm feeling today is that I need boundaries for myself. For too often I let things slide which I know are not right. I ignore the energy I am in and let my behaviour escalate to the point I attack those who are my friends. And all because I tolerated and accepted things that arenât the real me. Your words Nicole have helped me see I need to set some non-negotiable standards, just for me.
Everyone has something to bring in the form of learning or understandings to others, even young children can bring through absolute gold when needed when they are brought up to listen to, honour and express what they are seeing and feeling.
Parenting is really about supporting one to unfold themselves, and in that regard the parents have as much to learn from their children as they have to offer.
It makes sense to have consequences and boundaries for young children then they learn about respect and responsibility from young and also learn to feel and know what is true from their bodies and can learn to trust that growing up.
Everything we do in life has a consequence so teaching this to our children from a very early age is one of the biggest gifts we can offer them.
I totally agree Carolien, in fact it is one of the things I wish I had learned myself as a child. I also feel that the way we teach consequences, with love and not frustration is key.
Agree Carolien we need to teach them the responsibility of cause and effect from an early age as this lays a foundation from which they can make conscious choices knowing that what they choose will have a consequence, one that supports them to evolve or not.
I recently was observing some children and they were giving their Grandmother the ‘run around’ and she was getting a bit stressed by this as nothing she was saying was having an effect on the children. So I stepped in and asked the children to stop running around and listen to their Grandmother and to put their shoes on, that their Grandmother had given up her time to take them out to the sporting event of their choice and so it was only fair that they then did what they were asked to do. And they did just that, they stopped playing and got themselves ready and even helped their Grandmother to sort herself out. It was a brilliant piece of family cooperation, lovely to watch.
Yes this is a great article, we all need consequences and boundaries for our kids and I think they only really work if we are prepared to live in a way that is by example. It is pointless telling our kids not to do something if we then do it ourselves. My daughter is very quick to point this out if I slip up.
I agree Kev, we can’t expect the children to act in a certain way and then have us as adults do the complete opposite, which will lead to the do as I say and not do as I do scenario. Especially as children learn by observing us adults and then act out in a similar way.
Yes the example is the key here and when we are not willing to step up to this responsibility how can we then judge another.
When growing up I tested my parents a lot with boundaries and how far I could go essentially to prove that they loved me, which was crazy but was a way of testing them. However, pretty much whatever I did they would bail me out which was their way of showing they loved me. However, all it meant is that I never learnt what taking responsibility for my actions really was and so have had to learn it the hard way by destroying all that I held dear to me purely out of not putting an end to the destructive tendencies I had growing up. Now I have had to face the consequences of my actions, it has not been easy but has been a great lesson, one that I have needed that some things are simply not acceptable and cannot simply be forgiven with a sorry. The impact of what we do often has far greater consequences than we want or choose to see.
So true James, about some things not being acceptable and cannot simply be forgiven with a sorry. Still, after a lifetime of lack of responsibility for my actions, I can still find myself saying or doing something that affects others and expecting it to be all alright if I say sorry. These days I can feel the emptiness of that and how useless it is, as everything we say and do cannot be undone, as you say we have to live with the consequences and feel the pain of that and learn from it.
To live knowing there are consequences and boundaries is seeing ourselves as part of the larger fabric of life. We have boundaries and consequences that are in place due to laws and regulations, if we don’t teach our children to respect them, we will see more and more corruption and suitable truths being lived as our ‘normal’.
Without loving applied and appropriate boundaries and limits as children we are raised to not know nor take responsibility for our actions and impacts on others.
If we do not have boundaries and consequences for our actions we never learn and ultimately it sets us up for even more destructive irresponsible behaviour later in life.
Yes, we do, and parenting is something that is not exclusive to adults delivering something to their biological children; it is something we are all responsible for… parenting ourselves, each other, children… and the quality of a true parenting is firm, unwavering love that does not allow for any deviation from the unfolding potential that we all are.
I love this article and the understanding and insight it brings to parenting; a combination of clear boundaries and adults that role model responsibility and collaborative behaviour, makes for great ingredients when we are taking care of children.
‘We lived in a home where we all supported each other, letting each other know how things felt, constantly allowing ourselves to feel what was needed, being responsible for our choices and how they impacted on everyone, and as parents we felt she was no exception to this level of responsibility. ‘ Beautiful equality in lived expression as a family.
We all need boundaries and consequences, including adults… if we don’t lay the foundation for our children just how far off track would we be, as children grow adults get?
Accountability and responsibility – yes these two things are very important in helping us to live in a way that is aware of the impact we have on everyone around us.
I Love boundaries, that are fair, wise and trueâŚthey reflect the laws of the universe when they are based within these tenants. They support children to learn to live, be responsible and responsive to the natural laws that are all around us to observe. This is the planning big, no staying small and only thinking about our own back yard. Children with open wise hearts and minds grow from boundaries of this quality.
I have always felt that children like to know where the boundaries are as this gives them a sense of security. I have lived with children that were not given boundaries and they were totally out of control, by giving them clear boundaries with consequences to their actions changed them completely when they were staying with me. It was interesting to hear how they would behave when they went back home, they would be totally out of control again because they knew they could get away with this behaviour.
When I think back to my school days we were always a bit jealous of the kids who’s families were not so hot on boundaries, they were allowed to get away with so much more, now I can see it for what it is and am thankful for growing up with parents who set them – even if at times they were completely ignored!
This feels like true family to me.
Giving in to our children from the emotional love that we hold ourselves and them in, does not reflect to them responsibility and to learn to feel what they do and don’t need from others/things.
Nicole, I can really feel how true this is, it feels like a responsible way of parenting to have boundaries for children in order to support them to learn and develop; ‘without having boundaries and consequences for her behaviour and choices she would quite quickly become a big person without the understanding of what it is to truly support herself and others.’
It’s one thing to ‘raise’ children and teach them how to be independent and live out in the world, but it is an entirely different ballgame when you raise them with QUALITY, teach them responsibility first and foremost as well as how to be themselves in their absolute grandness with everyone they meet. And boundaries can support to set this high standard of absoluteness, which can support enormously throughout their entire lives.
Every single thing that we do has a consequence, so it is essential that we are all taught this and live in tune with it.
Boundaries and consequences are a lot easier to establish when we make life about energy first and foremost, for everything in life is a result of the energetic quality we live in, and we either reap the many blessings this brings or suffer the consequences of ignoring it.
I know for me the boundaries and understanding of consequences I grew up with set me up for my adult life to have a level of commitment and discipline that I can then apply everywhere.
Even when we are on our own we could say we need to role model because the universe is receiving everything we do.
We must understand that kids are not just kids, but are no different to adults in regard to the fact that they must have responsibility and discipline. Having a smaller body does not constitute being a wreck.
And vice-versa; if kids are delivered consequences, then how come we adults are seemingly allowed to get away with such grossly errant behaviours?
Great comments – we have hierarchies of responsibility, don’t we? Truth can be delivered at any age and we can all be the reflection of accountability and responsibility.
I see boundaries and consequences as a blue print for the whole family, an equally agreed benchmark of what is acceptable and not acceptable, what is loving and what is not. The absoluteness of these is the anchor that holds and supports the family, for at its base these consequences and boundaries simply offer us an opportunity to be to learn and evolve together.
This is key and very profound. To see consequences and boundaries not as punishments but as invitations and opportunities.
It’s becoming so clear to me the importance of boundaries and consequences when raising our daughter, as they can be put in place to support her to be all that she is. When they are used to help our kids stay who they are and bring their amazingness to life then everyone benefits.
Having and understanding boundaries and consequences is definitely a healthy thing to have in life no matter what your age. But the boundaries that come from our sensitivity and from what we feel are the ones that will support us the most.
All too often we either use boundaries without communicating or understanding the true purpose of them, or shy away from putting consequences in place in fear of the reaction. But actually the best way to teach children (and anyone really) about how their movements and actions have a ripple effect on the bigger picture is to show them how everything does have a consequence, which in fact isnât always negative
Beautiful point, Susie… once we have accepted the cycle of our choices and consequences we also get to see the benefits of responsible and inclusive choices… by inclusive, I mean in consideration of others.
I wish I´d had such an upbringing. Not in any way shape of form blaming my parents, because in many areas they did a great job, but getting to feel and experience consequences and being treated like an equal “adult” with the same responsibility, was not the case. So I did not have boundaries, which let me act out disrespectful when I got older. What I realised is that this is an ultimate way of showing love- because you care for the child in letting them experience consequences. If someone lets you throw your tantrum, you actually get the feel of not being worth enough to be called out of this. That they see the divine in you and not allow you abusing yourself and others.
This is a great reason why it is so important to not allow pandering to spoil and weaken our parenting.
It’s a beautiful sharing Nicole,. A parent doesn’t need to do anything special to be a good parent but simply live who they are and respond to all things – there is nurturing, consequences and discipline, and also confirmation and joy which are needed at any one time.
Consequences if lovingly offered can be so supportive to come back to living the responsibility that we have been ignoring for a very long time.
I love this photo of you both, super gorgeous. Children love boundaries they feel safe and they know where they are at, nothing deepens connection quicker than knowing where you stand with someone.
It helps children also to distinguish between when they are themselves and when they are not. In other words, realising when an energy is playing out, that does not belong to their essence or not. We need to support each other in this in calling these energies out, so that we stop to abuse ourselves in running on an energy that is not supportive in any shape or form.
The responsibility we have as parents is very beautiful with the understanding of boundaries and consequences being paramount in bringing up children in a fullness, understanding and caring of themselves and others with the knowing of energy and how our choices effect not just us but everyone around us, and the stability that comes from this that is so lacking in society today.
Whether we like to admit it or not we are always under the law of cause and affect. So for a child to have parents that equally know that as well as supporting them to stay aware of that is a stable foundation on which to live and express from.
When boundaries are not provided early in life children grow up feeling that the things which they can feel affecting them are their friends which is far from the truth.
Yes, if you don´t get reflected the truth and the true meaning of love, you will choose this way in an adult life as well. So starting and getting reflected at a young age with these values is such a gift. It saves you many years of disregard and separation if you choose to align to what parents like you offer.
“We knew instantly we had to parent in a way that allowed her to be who she was, for us to not impose on her in any way, but at the same time to educate her and show her that the choices she made and how she chose to live impacted on everyone and everything⌠that in life there were consequences for the choices she made and that no matter what those choices were, there was always a flow on effect of some kind.” This value is one that I have found to be of utmost importance when parenting children of all ages.
I think that is the key to boundaries, to live the same responsibility that we ask from our children by putting boundaries in place. If we do not live them ourselves the boundaries can feel like a put down and a punishment because the children may feel like ‘why can you do that when I can’t?’ and it feels more like a power game as in adults vs kids instead of parenting of a child.
There can be so much respect and responsibility honoured and inspired in our relationships with our children and this goes on to inform the quality of this relationship as they become adults… the ripple effects of this are far reaching, both in our lives and those that walk alongside and observe us.
As we have the tendency to test our boundaries, ie to not live harmoniously with ourselves, our body and others, we definitely need to be reminded of the order we are part of so that a harmonious way of being with each other is known just the way it is supposed to be.
Having a base line to what is acceptable and what is not, what is respectful and what is not has to be across the board and equal to all no matter what the age. Then when we bring in something that is not of this it stands out like a sore thumb and together we support each other to cut it and not to go back to that which is not of these basic standards of living and relationships. We are all learning different things along our path and we can all inspire each other along the way equally.
We all need a good parenting, kids and adults equally, as not many have yet mastered the science of consequences as we can see with everything happening in the world on a small and large scale. It is the science of consequences that teaches us responsibility and thereby empowers us to be who we are.
I agree, ‘do as I say not as I do’ almost invokes a rebelliousness, I know I have felt this and others too from conversations. Children feel everything and when it is delivered from a lived way it carries truth and can be felt, as apposed to the emptiness of just saying it.
We can never underestimate the power of the reflection that we offer another when it comes from our lived experience, as then it is something that is presented to another, with no imposition or attachment simply an offering for them to be more of who they truly are.
Healthy and that means true boundaries are the stop for forces that take us away from our true selves hence they are required to know the difference of who we are and what we can become when subjugating to the forces. In that sense boundaries don´t limit us in being who we are nor do they take away our free will, much more do they restrain that which seeks to gain control us.
We act as role models all of the time whether we like it or not.
Boundaries and consequences can only be given to someone else if we hold those same things for ourselves – same goes for respect and care and love – if we struggle to have this with ourselves then we can struggle to have this with others too.
This topic of accountability and responsibility is a big one in parenting. It seems from my observations that there is a real attitude out there that as parents we must support our children to express themselves no matter what the quality is. However I have noticed that my children really respond to the truth of energetic responsibility (when I present it without reaction!) because it is a science they completely understand and know in the core of their being. In fact they feel more lost at sea when I ignore the energy of what is happening in any given family situation.
Spot on, Andrew. Children like and know truth. If that is not reflected to them it then opens them to start doubting what they know is true, leading to insecurity and lack of confidence.
It is so true⌠When we as adults start to understand no one feel the consequences of our actions, then we can bring wisdom and not just knowledge to parenting.
What you are bringing here Nicole is very important to parenting and even teaching, and is the fact of educating on responsibility from the reflection of your own life. Words doesn’t work with children if they are not accompanied by the living truth of them. Integrity with everyone but especially in childhood, is fundamental to really offer a true lesson of/to life.
The extremes of growing up; running like a dog and knowing when it was meal time or wrapped in cotton. Do we continue this process when we have children or try and improve on how we were raised? But, is this just a one way of raising a child? As you have pointed out that children are a learning growing relationship that we all learn and continuously evolve.
We absolutely need to live what we want our children to live aka loving responsibility in all that we do.
The only way that we can parent another is if we have parented ourselves first.
True parenting comes from parenting ourselves first ,I love this and its so true and beautiful to bring into our lives with the responsibility we all hold for another by our reflection and loving way of being and living in the world.
Understanding consequences makes us understand the quality of our choices.
Our body is a great reflection of how we are living, and the way we eat is constantly shared by our body, also this reflects how we are in many other areas of our life, so it is up to us to listen to our body. Or as Nichole has shared; “We had to start with ourselves, living and being responsible for the way we lived and for our choices.”
Eating is a choice that becomes an important step in our evolution. Being responsible for what we eat because eating the wrong foods dulls, numbs, makes us racy, disconnects us, keep us damp, become indulgent, takes our focus away from our connection, is anti-evolutionary and it is always an un-loving choice we make.
Where a way of eating that âparentsâ our body begins âwith usâ and can so easily bring a âgreater awarenessâ, so it does-not dull or numb, it is âstillingâ so not âracy,â âconnectsâ us rather than disconnects, brings âfireâ to our lungs, and not damp, is evolutionary and satisfies because the foods tastes so yummy that it becomes simpler to not indulge and keeps a âfocusâ on us being divinely connected. Then eating in this way we are âeating to live and not living to eatâ and it is not a diet but being discerning and listening to our body so we can truly âparentâ our-self. So then we feel what foods are doing and what the effect it is having on us. For my family we started parenting our-self in this way 25 years ago!
You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.
A responsible way of parenting is teaching our children to be responsible, ie. the law of consequences as we will face consequences at every corner and after every choice â that is life and it is the school of life so that we remember to choose living who we are in truth in harmony with the all we are part of and live in.
Being a parent to ourselves is a great way of looking at how we care for ourselves, how we nurture ourselves, and how we take responsibility for all that is within our gift of life. It turns parenting on its head by making self-responsibility paramount.
To treat the young as equal most can find quite tricky because everything we are taught is not this. What I have clocked when being around the young is that at first I had this automatic approach of I will teach them, tell them what to do. It didn’t feel nice and certainly wouldn’t have been much fun for them. Cutting this and being with the young offering space for them to share and that this is just as valid as an adult feels so much loving. It’s not to say you can’t have boundaries and consequences when they do abuse a situation but is clear from the start and consistent is key.
Boundaries and consequences are an essential part of a child’s life education, a foundational understanding of how to be responsible with our actions and in our relationships.
“She was given a choice to take responsibility for her way of being, or not, and we found that the consequences and boundaries allowed her to feel the end result of her actions. ” This is such an awesome way to parent, giving them the responsibility and being their as a role model living your responsibility.
Most parenting seems to be repeating the same patterns as our parents or rebelling against them and consciously choosing a different way that is damaging in another way. Reacting leads to nowhere, it has no place in finding out what is really going on and so becoming more understanding of ourselves and our parents. There is no opportunity to open up to each other, as reaction is a hard aggressive action, and leads to separation. As children we know the love inside us that we feel to express which becomes suppressed by the patterns of our parenting, but there is always an opportunity to choose to reconnect with that love to bring our own children up neither from old patterns or old reactions, but feeling a way through this journey with them by (as you say Nicole,) parenting ourselves how we would truly love to have been parented.
You highlighted just how much we as a society think that children donât know much and have to be taught âeverythingâ. Yet as you have shared this is so far from the truth. What children really need is a reflection of what is true, that which confirms their innate knowing of what is true, so that they naturally develop a greater understanding and insight of the wisdom they hold within, that we are part of a whole, and the awareness of how they move and express through the world has a great effect on all. And this truth can only be offered or reflected through the way we ourselves choose to live.
Boundaries as children, supports us to understand the impact of our choices and responsibility for ourselves and all of humanity. This is not control and domineering, boundaries can be loving and informing, we can learn from them.
So true Samantha. And if we as adults are already living the qualities and the understanding it will be expressed and passed on as a normal everyday aspect of life. Every situation will be felt, assessed and responded to in the most loving and appropriate way.
You have presented a model of true parenting Nicole. So often the people have an attitude of âI know bestâ when parenting their children rather than seeing them as equals and creating an environment in which the child is lovingly supported to express their truth knowing the wisdom they have to share will be valued and respected.
Consequences are a fact of life so why would we not teach our children of this?
The thing is that life is designed to help us learn and the consequences for our choices and actions, whether good or bad, are part of that. If we don’t teach our kids at the beginning that their choices have consequences and effects then we are not only setting them up to find life incredibly difficult but also to not get the most out of their lives.
We tend to think of parenting and setting standards as something done between parents and children, but it’s also any situation which requires boundaries or standards.
Very wise observation Harrison.
I love your purpose for having boundaries and consequences: to learn that expression comes with a responsibility and that everything we do has impact on everyone around us. It is not about a powerplay between the parents and the child but about teaching a very important part in life: our responsibility.
Life is full of boundaries; motorways have them that keep the different directions of travel separated, and cliffs have railings. Children have plug outlet covers, and cupboards have childproof latches and childproof medicine containers that even adults have problems with! Where are the boundaries within ourselves and what are we passing on to our children by example?
‘It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility.’
This is beautifully wise. I reflect on how I shut down my expression growing up because there was very little guidance within a society which wanted people to remain comfortable and not call out what wasn’t true. Often I said things clumsily and didn’t handle the reactions well. But it’s never too late to learn.
What is huge here is that you are raising your child by way of reflection. You present to her the fact that you have boundaries and you know there are consequences for your behaviour, just as there is for her. It allows her to feel the equality and simply observe how you are living. That is amazingly powerful parenting.
Absolutely agree, raising a child by a way of reflection, having own boundaries and consequences for behaviour, show that we are all equal and therefore are all responsible for our actions.
Parenting and taking responsibility for ourselves as the greatest foundation for parenting children… love it, thank you Nicole.
Karma is another word for consequences.
Boundaries are only necessary because we have strayed such a long way from the truth of who we are. Once we return to that truth then any boundary is a restriction.
I agree, as a parent, it is essential to elope a relationship where your children and call out behaviour that is not supportive form parents, I love that my children are speaking up and saying that feels rushy, hard, grumpy etc to their mum and dad, it is healthy for them to say how they feel and not have it all going one way.
‘Boundaries and consequences’ still seem to have a negative connotation as they seem to oppose the free unfoldment of a person to be who they are, exposing the false understanding we have of freedom and free will. Of course boundaries and consequences can be used in an imposing and forceful way when not respecting and fostering the being to unfold but regiment and suppress it. Both extremes show the lack of understanding of who we are, a threefold persona consisting of personality, spirit and soul that needs certain guidance and a process of learning to get know itself to be the true self.
In not setting boundaries and sharing what responsibility means then could we in fact be reinforcing that there actual does not need to be responsibility and therefore children grow up who are not able to come to terms with the consequences of their actions or the effect that they have on others.
We can complain when we see children mis-behave with no consideration for other people and then we can look within to see where we too have been irresponsible and how we can be role models for the Livingness of the future.
I love how you are all treated as equals, Nicole. Knowing that to be of a true role model for your child comes from what you reflect to her, so that the boundaries always being reset as the next call to be more lovingly responsible for your own choices become apparent to your child and now she is able to feel for herself what necessary changes or choices to make to keep moving forward in her own unique way.
Boundaries and consequences allow us and our children to flourish.
Boundaries and consequences are beautiful mechanisms and tools for living more responsibly if applied in a loving way.
Nicole, this is a very lovely way to parent; ‘As I made adjustments in my life with things such as my bedtime, use of electronic devices, diet and quality of being, so too did she. It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt. ‘ I can feel as parents how we can tell our children to do things but that we may actually not be doing these things ourselves, I have noticed with my son that I may say ‘don’t overeat’, ‘you are not drinking enough water’, ‘you need to tidy up’, but actually these are things that I myself need to live first in order for him to feel that this they important and supportive.
Young children are our future and their children could be our future parents next time around, so to serve humanity and evolution, we would need the type of parent that would not only support us to be fully connected and have a deep trust and knowing of ourselves but would also be aligned to serve. This is where we step in now, and pave the way forth for them by truly parenting them for the future.
Consequences are the of the greatest blessings we can have, they don’t feel like it at the time but for me having no consequences growing up meant I had not responsibility growing up. For me its about supporting my daughter to be all that she and appreciating the great consequence and ripple effect that has whilst also understanding the consequences for not being herself.
In parenting my daughter when she already was a young adult I needed to give myself permission to claim my authority and no longer please her out of fear she could reject me and no longer love me when I would stop doing everything for her and reflect back to her her own unresolved stuff she was not taking responsibility for. But actually the opposite happened, after a short period of time during which she was a bit disturbed by the shift, she started to even open up more as she realized that I was really seeing and taking interest in her. Since then our relationship has topped everyhing I could have ever imagined a parent-child relationship to be.
Yes, my experience has been that whilst boundaries have been well and truly tested in our household, they have often also been appreciated deep down. There is an element of safety in knowing someone truly cares for your well-being and is committed to supporting you to have confidence in being true to who you are.
The world is full of places we should and shouldnât go. We spend so much of our lives trying to fight the consequences of our actions it is impossible to resist. And whilst we might not like it, itâs only fitting that we should experience consequences in our relationships too. It neednât be dramatic or harsh but we all need to know when weâve stepped over the mark. Thank you Nicole for what youâve shared here, itâs inspired me to set myself higher standards in how I live.
Nicole, I love how you have written about your daughter being responsible for how she is; ‘if she was being disruptive at the dinner table she was removed until she could re-join in a way that allowed everyone to eat without the disruption’, I can feel how with children it is easy to think that they are not capable of being as responsible as we are as adults, but reading this article I can feel how this is not true, i find this very inspiring for parenting my son.
This feels like love Nicole :). And for me this is starting to happen in our family, even though my son is already grown up, but nonetheless it is never too late and it can only deepen.
My children sometimes parent me in the sense that they call me out when I am not being myself or if they feel things need to shift in our house. It is lovely for them to feel that level of responsibility and equality with their parents and I can tell they thrive on it.
There are boundaries and consequences in life for all of us and you show how important it is to always honour this relationship of cause and effect, for everybody equally so, from day one.
As we learn to understand the value of boundaries we can feel that it brings a sense of equality and flow into our life.
When boundaries and consequences are thrown at you as a demand and a threat, they seem like an imposition that you want to fight or find a way around. When they are presented in a way that you can see they are about love, care, harmony and responsibility, they become inspiring.
Well said Golnaz and an important distinction to make. True boundaries are an expression of love and not control or punishment.
We all need feedback and boundaries in a home so we get to refine and harmonise the way we live. Without this as kids, we can become irresponsible and unaware of how to have respectful relationships.
Spot on Nicole . . . “parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.” . . you cannot impart something fully that you yourself have not lived in your own body as it just comes across to a child as blah, blah, blah.
Nicole this is beautiful what you share about parenting. Its so easy to get caught in dictating to children rather than living and showing them the movements. It is movements which are felt. That’s where parents fall down, they say one thing but move in the complete opposite way, this confusing the child.
We feel the consequences of all our choices, but maybe don’t always want to connect the two. Learning about this early on is going to be a great support for any child.
This is great wisdom you have shared Nichole, if everyone was parented like this Living Way then we would all be able to build harmonious relationship with everyone! And may I add to the conversation, by sharing it is never too late to explore what you have shared.
There will come a time when we will no longer need external boundaries set by another. Itâs a long way off but one day we will all be able to self govern effortlessly because we will all be impulsed by love and love can never harm another in any way,
Boundaries and consequences are key lessons in supporting any child to find their way in the world. It will be beautiful to see and feel how your daughter moves on into life with such a solid foundation.
Life is full of cause and effect, it feels so natural that we should support our children to understand and learn this early on. Allowing them to stay connected to what they can feel in any given situation.
What greater skill than to live & learn the science of free will, for in this we begin to see the ocean of opportunities we are offered in every moment to live our true potential.
‘You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.’ – I love this, Nicole, how you began by taking responsibility for yourselves and how you were living first. I feel this is a large part of the ‘problem’ that many of us feel, as parents. When we are faced with behaviour that we don’t like, it’s very easy to go into reaction, as more often than not, we are seeing a reflection of something that we do as well (even if we’re not fully aware of this at the time, it’s the reason we react) which then makes it so much harder to address that behaviour in another …. when we’re not taking responsibility for it ourselves.
Correct – never and I can remember being so outraged by this sort of hypocrisy by my parents and those of other adults around me. Made no sense.
It is so encouraging to read how well placed boundaries and limits can provide children with the framework and safety to develop their own relationship with responsibility in life. Not too rigid and not too loose and applied with a loving consistency provides such a sense of being held.
You would think that would be the natural order of things. To work on yourselves first and then live by example. It’s always a bit sad to feel and see parents enforcing ideals that they themselves don’t live. It’s no wonder we rebel as children.
Teaching another how to be and live responsibly requires us to also live that quality ourselves – after all learning from a lived example makes it so much more realistic and thus easier.
I know from my own parenting that children are often cosseted. There are many reasons why this happens but the effect is that the child grows up not experiencing the consequences of their actions and hence they have not learnt how to be in the world. Consequences are our natural barometer and they help us to learn how to be the real us, as we naturally adjust ourselves depending on the consequences that we experience.
Nicole when I read how your daughter was âlooking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the worldâ it occurred to me that the world may well benefit from looking to our babies and kids for inspiration and guidance as to how to be in the world. If we all adopted the gentleness and tenderness of a baby then that alone would have the power to change the world as we know it.
Learning to hold myself to account for my actions and behaviours is something I have had to do as an adult committed to being a responsible member of society. Reading this I can’t help but to feel the inner strength and natural confidence your daughter had already established and will take into adulthood with her.
Everything in the world is a reflection. I agree Shirley-Anne. It would be so valuable if we all took notice of this, of what was on offer for us to learn from.
Very true Fiona. How many people do we see that have not been supported in their childhood or teens to know boundaries and consequences. It can be a real struggle. And then when these big kids have kids there can be very little setting of boundaries which can turn into reactions to behaviour displayed. Children who are not parented seek attention and attention can come in the form of disruption or misbehaviour. And the cycle continues.
‘Because our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her. She can feel the consistency, love and absoluteness and because of these qualities she has no resistance, only an allowing choice to let herself feel and to go there. ‘ This is beautiful Nicole, no imposition. Holding your love absolutely and consistently giving your daughter the space to feel and choose. It is clear how important our own way of living is in boundaries and consequences.
Thanks, Nicole. I love hearing how your daughter naturally makes choices according to what she feels is true for her, and has no problem reflecting back to the rest of the family when they are not doing the same for themselves. This is true equality in relationship.
âIntroducing boundaries and consequences felt like a way to support her in feeling the consequences of her choices. â
I absolutely agree Nicole. Home life is a training ground for the big world and itâs so supportive for children to feel responsibility in the caring setting of home so they can understand cause and effect, action and consequence. This plays out all the time in the world – so by teaching and introducing this in our parenting we are presenting our kids with the opportunity for them to know the power and light they can bring in their adult years and also the harm that can happen through certain choices. Through understanding the effects of our actions we begin to know how to be supportively in the world for others. And isnât this the true purpose of life. Sharing all of us with the work and reflecting our light.
This is such a great point – ‘The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out’ – I know I used to think that children had no place in telling the elder they are out of sorts and calling them to accountability but having seen and felt the difference when equal way of living is presented it is very powerful for all.
Children and adults equally tend to push the boundaries as far as they can and beyond. Not just with relationships, but in all areas as we can see so clearly in the area of health, or should I say illness and disease. Raising children to understand and appreciate such rhythms and flows in life in my books is a great start.
Or, alternatively, to over-parenting and that seems to be quite harmful as well.
It seems to be true that if we live our own boundaries and responsibilities then it would be easier for children to accept them without coercion and without contempt from their side.
A beautiful sharing of true parenting and the love that comes from understanding consequences and with the consistency this allows a trust in ourselves and our inner knowing from all that is felt being honoured. This is something I am learning in my life every day as is claiming boundaries and it is never to late to imprint our lives and those of others we are responsible for also.
I love how this way of parenting brings so much equality and how each experiences that it is not mum and dad who are the boss and know it all. Together in all our different ages and where we are at in our evolution we are equally responsible for living in harmony.
So refreshing to hear of parenting in this way Nicole… I can only imagine what a delightful child she will grow into, well beyond her years, is what will be said. But really that’s not true, she will be living her potential, and not the irresponsible, immature version she has been allowed to ‘get away with’ because she’s ‘just a kid’.
What an amazing role model you both are as parents, and what a role model she is and will be for her peers… not an especially popular one with some I suspect… but super inspiring for those who care to take it.
I have not had children but I have heard time and time again that children love boundaries and this allows them to thrive. It makes perfect sense to me as the child would feel very supported and very loved.
Children love consistency. They love knowing where they stand and the boundaries that support this. Boundaries make for a more harmonies space as they bring more balance.
Well said Nicole, âparenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves firstâ. The biggest lesson I have learnt with parenting is the importance of my reflection. It is our movements that are being observed, if they match what we say then the resistance is less.
Hear hear. How refreshing. How often do we see people talk a talk in the world but not walk their talk or talk their walk.
Nicole there feels like there is such a natural ebb and flow in your family relationships. This feels in stark contrast to the rigid divide that exists in most traditional families between parents and their children. The flow that you describe feels so much more natural and allows for qualities to pass naturally back and forth with ease.
Yes, Nicole. It is beautiful to read and feel how natural it is to choose love, when we have been allowed to be fully ourselves and encouraged from an early age to take responsibility for our actions towards ourselves and other.
Consequences teach us cause and effect. If we didn’t have consequences or corrections, would we really know how far we have strayed from the will of the Soul?
I wish I had grown up like this. What a gift, to get taught and treated like an equal in a family, when you are a kid. I love to read that it works and that your daughter is open for any adjustments, because it comes from living it first, instead of doctrine and rules.
Amazing that you live this as a two-way element of your relationship with your daughter in that the accountability goes both ways and it feels fundamental to this way of being that you are yourself living responsibly which your daughter observes and feels when she is asked to do the same. True parenting.
Your daughter seems like such a good kid, because at times I look at kids that have been given boundaries and consequences acting as if it is such an injustice or they are being persecuted because their friends don’t have the same boundaries. I know they will thank us in the end probably and the odd tantrum is worth it in the end.
“The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her. ” – equalness in relationship; we are each other’s both teacher and student.
How different would the world be if we all realised this truth. There would be no power play or set roles defining who people are.
Children look to parents as role models to be guided in life when growing up, so if we as parents don’t have a solid sense of self and connected to our own internal radar and knowing, and practice self loving ways, our children can then be far more affected by outside influences and lacking in self confidence.
In my experience children are very uncomfortable when there are no boundaries or consequences as life does not make sense. I grew up during a fairly anarchic time (1968) and there were lots of deeply unhappy children who were basically left alone by their parents.
What in fact is a child..and or an adult? When we have all lived so many lives, are such discrepancies a distraction of semantics? Of course, I get that there are massive fundamental and physical differences, but at the core of it all, we all know as much as each other and are all carrying various issues, momentums and past patterns. We all have the ability and pull to evolve and we are all students of that evolution…so really, we are all in this in together, all equal and all both teachers and students. Certainly, the more I have embraced this, the better ‘parent’ I have become and the more I, as a ‘child’ have learnt for myself and from my ‘children’ – who are in fact also ‘adults’. It’s getting a bit tongue-twisting this – but you know what I mean!
What I love and feel very strongly in this article is the equality. Two students of life, learning together. Stunning parenting of each other and of yourselves.
Being parented not from being told what to do or how to be, but from a place of observing and feeling our parents, is in fact how we all receive parenting, it’s just that you Nicole very consciously and deliberately choose the quality and refinement of reflection, that your children observe and feel.
Speaking from the other side: I have absolutely noticed a huge change in the relationship with my mum. She used to tell me what to do but not do it herself, and now, I observe as she has changed hugely to support me in how I am, and speak truth rather than wrong or right. I feel like our relationship has hugely shifted, and I am able to share with her when she is off, just as she does with me.
I love the equality you hold in your family Nicole. That boundaries and consequences go both ways if either of you or your daughter step out it would be called, this is setting a solid foundation for your daughter for life as she grows.
Allowing children to feel the consequences of their choices in a supportive and loving environment, is beautiful preparation for the whole of life and every relationship.
Yes, because life doesn’t spare them consequences.
Absolutely! I wish I would have experienced this, when I was a child. I learned it later as an adult and it was often very painful, as I was used to get what I wanted.
Learning, that the world is not turning only around me, was hard, but so healing for me. Giving the focus away from the own self was first very unusual for me, now I cannot imagine anything different. It brought me back to connection to others instead of being isolated in my needs.
It took me a while to realise that boundaries in parenting are actually a loving act. I remember developing an understanding of this when I heard someone say ‘ kids need boundaries in order to feel free within them’. This makes total sense.
Love needs in general to be redefined. Saying NO or calling out boundaries actually gives the child a sense of a true care and interest. What I would like to know more about, what it means for you : â kids need boundaries in order to feel free within themâ. Could you write more about that, how you understand that ?
Nicole, I really enjoy reading your blogs and find them very helpful, the way you parent feels very loving and supportive of your daughter and allows her to feel safe, loved and cared for.
I remember seeing and hearing an adult swear at his child because the child used a swear word and I thought at the time yeh where did he learn that from mate? We certainly do need to live by example so our kids can learn by what they observe instead of just being told.
Everywhere we look the adults are presenting such poor examples of how to live and yet we still have the arrogance to berate our youth or claim to be confused as to ‘where it is all going so wrong’. It is not to say that the youth are not 100% responsible for their choices and that they too are very well aware of the moves that they are making but, is it possible that many of the answers, solutions and inspiration lies with the adults? So as suicide rates, cyber abuse, food and self harm issues amongst young people are all going through the roof, do we look at what is going on with them, or do we take a look in the mirror at our own behaviours?
So well said, Otto. How can children be guided by truth if there are no reflections of it or role models in their lives, of how to live responsibly and with integrity?
‘It was a natural progression for her to feel what was needed next, and now at times she is often making adjustments for what is needed before I have.’ This is true parenting. A child empowered by parents who walk the talk, treat them as equals and support to be responsible for their lives.
I have a huge reflection in my daughter, when I am truly loving and with myself she responds in taking her life and challenges light and easy. When I am a bit lost, she sometimes struggles too. So the best way to parent is to be with oneself, to stay concsiously present in a loving way.
I meet many parents of teenagers who are struggling with the disrespectful behaviour of their children (often to the point of needing to call the Police). Parents are often confused as to why the young person is behaving as they are given they ‘weren’t brought up to behave this way.’ Invariably, what’s not happened is the child being taught consequences, they’ve often only been shouted at, told what to do without any offer of understanding other than if they don’t follow orders they’ll be in trouble. They haven’t been honoured for who they are and taught lessons with loving understanding so, when they get a bit older and are less intimidated by the parent, they bite back.
I have seen a parent shouting at his child in the same tone of voice he is telling her not to speak to him in. We as parents have a responsibility to listen to our children for they have much to teach us by way of reflection and we can offer them true role models if we are living the way we want them to live – with responsibility.
It is great when children feel confident to express absolutely whatever they need to express with no fear of being held back and for them to learn the consequences of any action, so that they learn at a deep level to take responsibility for everything they do and say.
Wow love this, and love the photo. I work with young children and see first hand the effects of not having boundaries and consequences and it can be at times really shocking.
Often children do not have many consequences as they grow up, instead parents use emotional blackmail, violence, blame and anger for getting it wrong. To offer a consequence with love, without emotions is an awesome way for a child to learn. This is something that as a parent I am continuing to learn.
I can really feel the difference between a ‘set of rules’ and a lived and shared responsibility and accountability for all.
When I was at school I hated the regulations and boundaries set, while I was perfectly fine having them at home. The difference was that at home, I could see my parents living what was expected of me, and if I wanted to question it I was given the time and space to discuss it, yet at school it was all just dictated rules which you did not have the right to question and the adults did not necessarily live it themselves.
It is so honouring of a child to give them boundaries as in this way they too can learn that when this is not lived by another they have a marker from which to assess any situation from, knowing that what they witness is either true or not. As a result they can be free to express how they feel in any situation as there is no doubt.
The beautiful thing about parenting ourselves is we can give ourselves all the love we always wanted!
As a parent by setting a daily routine and boundaries, you provide a child with a solid foundation and understanding of the real world that in no means needs to prevent them from being all of who they are – it is something that grows and evolves with them
When I read this in relation to consequences “a flow on effect of some kind” it gave a much more descriptive picture of what ‘consequences’ are â that they are not something that has the usual negative connotation, or something that suddenly happen as an end result, but that ‘consequences’ are a part of a flow of a series of actions, that then continue the flow, we can always trace things back along that course of actions.
Thank you Nicole. I have come to see that I am the best parent for self, because I know exactly what discipline I need, as well as what support and guidance I require. And this is what I would hope to pass on to my children, how to be their own best parent.
Love what you have shared about Boundaries Nichole.
Unlike discipline and rules when we set a true boundary it is always with Love.
So what is this saying about any place where the demographics are felt to be in need of change so we have a different border or boundary, then we can feel safe within our own kind?
Are we not all the same and living under the same roof or ocean of universal stars?
Instead we are living in separation, not True Love, so we fight to prove who is right or wrong, good or bad, religious or non-religious and some are simply subservient. Is it as black and white as it seemingly looks or is it as Nichole has shared, âliving and being responsible for the way we lived and for our choices?â So may I assume if we live with Love or True Love, being responsible and understanding our boundaries, which all starts with simply being decent with a lot of respect for others? And I see this way of living every day so I know it works!
Alternatively we could keep on going down the road of who is âright or wrong, good or bad, religious or non-religious, being subservient, etc. and we know from what is happening in society today this model is not working as well as we are led to believe!â
Parents can learn as much from their children so it is great when that is accepted and parents don’t impose but listen to their children.
Yes Carmel, children can teach us a lot, if we stay open, observe and listen. It’s a two-way street and true and equal way of relating to them.
Great article on parenting. It’s very refreshing to hear children having there own part to play as far as responsibility goes in a household. You can feel the foundation of respect and love within the household and how you are parenting your children. Such a strong foundation for adulthood.
The gorgeous way you have parented your daughter Nicole will absolutely ensure that she won’t allow disrespect to herself when growing up because of the foundation that she is so beautifully building for herself.
Yes this is reflection of how much people have abandoned themselves.
What a lovely way to be brought up â it would make a child / person feel safe, respected and cared for.
Yes, a very lovely upbringing that fosters trust in oneself and knowing responsibility is a treasure.
…and be seen by the parents….
The deeper I go in my relationship to self the more I see my children for who they truly are. They all are unique in their expression and how I parent them is unique to each one. Their needs are different and as I become more present with myself and them I am able to respond and support them making sure (and this is work in progress) I do not place their needs before me.
Amazing Nicole. Consequences can be a way of allowing children to see how their choices affect themselves and others, and also aids parents in deeply reading and understanding the child to be the amazingness they are.
Actually you can say, that consequences are a great way to teach the kids what abuse is and when it starts. When you let a child scream or eat how long or whatever they like, they won´t have a marker in themselves, what is good for their body and what not.
Thanks, Nicole. I love reading your accounts of family life and the constant learning you and your partner are open to, in embracing the responsibility of true parenting.
Yes well said, Ariana. As a child’s experience of life expands from home life to school and out into society, boundaries are key to helping them gradually find their place in the world. Without this holding and guidance, the uncertainty and insecurity can feel overwhelming.
Me too Susan. Adults can sometimes think that boundaries are restricting a child from expressing themselves in full but the opposite is true.
Parenting starts with parenting ourselves otherwise itâs a âdo as I say not as I doâ situation which so many children experience.
I love how you share Nicole that your daughter learnt not from being told how to be, but by observing how you chose to live. The reality is whether we react and go the opposite way or align and get inspired each of us reads and registers every little thing that takes place. Our awareness is boundary free, even though we often play dumb.
I love the way accountability goes both ways – that your daughter holds you to account as much as you do, to her. Responsibility is for everyone, not just adults.
I agree Bryony and when children âpull upâ adults including myself there is so much on offer it blows me away.
So, so true. And if we allow our children to pull us up, and they can see that their words have been heeded and actioned, then it confirms them in what they feel and will pull them up to be even more responsible. It is a great dynamic to encourage with everyone looking out for each other.
Nicole, this makes sense; ‘You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.’ If we do not have discipline and do not take responsibility in our own lives, then our children will not listen and respect it when we discipline them and tell them to take responsibility, from my own experience I know that I need to be living myself what I am asking my son to do.
In our house, we call it ‘white noise. When we as parents bring a point of discipline to the group that doesn’t have a lived responsibility behind it. White noise that no-one hears.
Establishing and consistently maintaining boundaries lovingly is one the greatest foundational supports that we can give our children upon which they can grow and evolve.
It is refreshing to hear there is another way to support our children that is the complete opposite of today’s norm, of wrapping them in cotton wool or enrol them in the school of hard knocks.
Lovely sharing Nicole, it seems like parenting such as this needs to be shared. Maybe they should create a reality TV show of how to parent, the boundaries, respect love and care required to nurture and develop a child without squashing their expression. Of course mainstream media would never create such a show, but it is great to know there are such examples out there, parenting 101.
Parenting kids is to teach them a living way that supports them for the rest of their lives. The best way to learn is to see it reflected in their parents way of living so it is not a rule without seeing your parents doing it for themselves but it is something that makes sense and is felt deeply so.
All kids need boundaries and consequences, but kids, just like us can have rebellious wayward spirits so understanding this and getting the right balance can be the hard part and not being too controlling in order for them to feel the need to rebel.
Buy why is it that only kids get boundaries and consequences? Look at the behaviours of zillions of adults – where are their consequences? And likewise in our own house, my wife and I have often imposed consequences on our children for behaviours that we ourselves are doing exactly the same…so we need to be really transparent and humble amongst all of this. Not holding back, not absolute…but very conscious of the reflections that we are presenting.
“You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.” I believe this is an important statement because as parents we tend to bring the old, i.e. that what we have experienced in our own lives and upbringing as the norm for living life. And when this experiences and upbringing was not from that inner source we should live to, there is a lot to discard and in that way we can say to be blessed with the responsibility to parent a child from a new way of living, a way of living that is from the heart and not from the mind and our own man made standards as of how life should be.
As our son gets older, we are realising how much he – and we – need boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. People use the expression âtough loveâ – which is supporting someone by saying no to what is not love.
“So here we had a little person ready to take on the world, needing support, love and guidance, looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world” – gorgeous Nicole … parents are reflectors reflecting to a child to know and to hold their own truth and living wisdom.
Cute. And yes to consequences and boundaries, simply because we all need to learn our absolute strength but also the understanding of our grandness with others, so we are aware of the effect of our expressions in the whole (society, world). An education not based on individuality but coping with the whole of humanity.
Which includes feeling the effect we have on everyone. The responsibility of our expression. The harm or healing this might cause, and then being reflected by the education of our parents where this results in – being shown the consequences of when we have behaved in a way that was unloving and the effect that this has on the whole (for example a family). Powerful way of learning our strengths and equally the elements we need to master.
When children are raised with love , respect and equality, the way you have Nicole they know that they themselves and their expression is valued as much as any one else’s in the family and this enables them to grow up as vey loving beings, as they have an innate love and respect for themselves.
Indeed Mary-Louise, how often do we see that children are forced to be in a way they are not because of parents parenting from their emotions or the mind which makes these children ending up into the young adults that do not know anymore who they truly are and have lost their purpose in life? Therefore this way of parenting as being presented here in this blog has the potential to change the world in only a few generations.
I feel one thing that is lacking in the world today is consequences for our choices, both in families and in society, the consequences or (punishment ) does not seem to fit the crime with people having a feeling of getting away with it, which in fact we never get away with it for at sometime in the future we will be faced with our actions. I would love to have parented my children in the past as you are doing, I love the support and the freedom along with the responsibility that your child is offered and reflected to. For me to do this I would have had to parented myself first.
So true Nicole…”You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.” Whatever we role-model as parents is what our children will play out – we are great reflections for each other.
It is very simple the way parenting sounds Nicole. It’s an enriching way to live â openly expressing and being honest with how all you do does effect everyone. There is no fixed outcome or consequences even from parenting. A constant unfolding of holding more awareness and being responsible with how that looks.
This is a beautiful photo and giving a good insight into mother and daughter.
It is a beautiful thing when both adults and children hold everyone accountable. I love it when kids call things out. So often it can be one way and we have huge expectations on kids. Parenting can be “do as I say not as I do” and when kids pull us up they can get shut down. But when we accept that they too are equally responsible, what is on offer is huge.
I would love you to share more about her never having resistance, I find that hard to believe and feel it could easily be setting a lot of people who read this up to a picture of more ideals and beliefs of what a persons evolution looks like i.e. no resistance.
‘Children can be very cute, adorable, loveable and gorgeous, all knowing, extremely observant, and often one step ahead of us.’
I love the last part of this sentence: children being often one step ahead of us, so true and a confirmation of their all knowing.
Truly inspirational yes, itâs the living example and they love it to be treated equally responsible from the beginning. Just a few more days and the journey with our first child will start. I am glad to be able to share with so many others like you for example this kind of approach. Thank you for sharing and expressing this here for all of us.
We have consequences in our house, it brings our choices to the fore, we all get to feel what we choose and what we are responsible for, it is harder to blame and we are less likely to blame and rage when we understand that we get to choose so much of our life. As children this is a great lesson to learn, and consequences can be a joy or something then we might not ‘like’ to as is the way of life. Much to learn as parents and as children.
Wonderful the love and care with which you are considering what would support our children. Looking at the escalating level of cyber abuse, the lack of truth and accountability in our press, the many dysfunctional relationships, I would say that we All need to learn about boundaries and consequences.
Well said Golnaz, even our politicians could learn some decency and respect, so they understand the consequences for going beyond the boundary that is set.
âBecause our choices and way of life have come from what is first felt, then actioned, there has been no resistance from her. She can feel the consistency, love and absoluteness and because of these qualities she has no resistance, only an allowing choice to let herself feel and to go thereâ â this feels truly amazing. A completely different way from how society have been parenting and educating â which would be to be pushed to live up to an ideal nobody is living.
I agree we need to start by parenting ourselves first, we are the role models for our children and only by us living in a true way will they really get what responsibility is about.
Parenting ourselves is certainly the only way to approach parenting others. Otherwise the words spoken, or the consequences that are set are incongruent with what a child can feel the parent is living.
This is such a beautiful blog Nicole, really highlighting the importance of parenting ourselves first and being fully responsible with ourselves, this way, we are walking our talk and the quality that we then do everything in is a huge support for our children to know what is true and how to then navigate through their experiences and living in a truer and more joyful and empowering way.
That is true as we can’t fool our children – they may pretend they accept what you say but they know.
The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out,’ I am glad you included this Nicole because the equality that we bring to our relationships is part of the foundation and ongoing quality in which we can grow. Respecting each other’s wisdom and support and expressing honestly and possibly, even truthfully, how we feel allows for the evolution that relationships offer.
It is glorious to read this and feel the potential that is there for all of us to live with energetic responsibility – and to let go of any ill seated notion that a child is less equal than those in their adult years. The equallness and wisdom you all so clearly share Nicole with each other and everyone else is palpable.
Parenting my children comes from how I parent myself. The more I lovingly take care of myself and this includes setting boundaries the more I can truly parent. Allowing my children to get away with things has consequences and these consequences affect not only them but also myself deeply as I allow myself to feel the consequences step by step within my body.
The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her.
Children gain such a natural acceptance of their innate ability to support and hold one another when they are offered equality on this level.
Lucinda thats a great point, and I love what Nicole is presenting here. If we hold each one of us as equals regardless of age then we are able to foster the true next generation.
Thank you Nicole for this excellent blog on parenting. We too parent with the equality you speak of here where our children can equally call out anything that does not feel loving in the family relationships as much as we can. They really respond to being met and respected as equals in this way.
Yesterday my adult daughter called me out for not responding to a private family Facebook group invitation that my niece posted and commented how the younger generation of our family were being more responsible than either me and my siblings – definitely something for me to explore further.
When we reflect a way of living that demonstrates boundaries and consequences this is way more powerful than words. The children we are raising today are the parents of the future and so the cycle goes on. What you are sharing here is mould breaking Nicole and hugely supportive for all, not just current parents.
Nicole, it is very beautiful to read about how supportive discipline and consequences are, without them children can grow up with behaviours that are not loving and not supportive of themselves or others.
“You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.” This is so true and we do not have to wait to have children to do this, in fact we should all do this irrespective of having children or not.
Setting boundaries and consequences is paramount to all human life, for our waywardness there can be no other way. It seems that, across the board, we deliberately choose to not be responsible and if no lines are drawn where would we end up? Setting boundaries for children matures the adult.
As children we definitely need healthy boundaries that enable us to understand the cause and effect of our choices and behaviour. When the boundaries are delivered via parents who are living what they preach, the lesson is a very rounded experience that is easily soaked up. And once on this trajectory, taking responsibility for and refining our behaviour and relationships is extremely innate, true evolution in action.
I agree that boundaries and consequences are vital in raising children, I think it’s getting more and more common for parents to give children free reign, but what if parenting is a microcosm of the macrocosm or bigger picture, and we are teaching kids what it means to be a responsible, responsive, committed adult, and that our choices and actions do have consequences.
Wow! This makes me look at my own childhood and wish that I had had the same boundaries. I have literally had to learn the hard way and teach myself my own boundaries in life. What an amazing gift you are giving to your children. They will absolutely fly.
To commit to building a foundation in the home based on love, consistency and honesty offers not only the children, but all who live there, the space to get to know who they truly are. Within this space all have the opportunity to be the âteacherâ but at the same time to know that they are also the âstudentâ. And one of the most important lessons to learn in âhome schoolâ is that for every choice there is a consequence; a valuable life lesson that needs to be offered to every child, sooner rather than later.
We are all children of God learning that there are consequences to every choice we make.
Not only do we parent our children, we also parent the world.
‘looking to us as her role models, a reflection of how to be in the world’. The simplicity of this statement says it all. We often forget that the consequences of our actions not only impacts on us, but all others. A powerful reminder of what it means to be truly responsible.
Thanks for raising this Kehinde. It is so important to realise our actions are being observed by everyone we come into contact with and that we all have an impact on each other.
Nicole I am not a mother but I feel very much inspired of what you have shared about parenting your daughter. For me this not imposing way with feeling the consequences of ones own choices feels very natural – and what you have written here: “You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first” is super honest and should be the first tip for every “new parents”.
Yes Doug, and the ‘abandoning’ happens from the overwhelm of their own lives and that of their children. There are just so many other things to do that we have become sidetracked and only pay attention again when our children’s behaviour speaks loudly enough for us to listen.
I love this Nicole, it is something I have chosen to live by too and have seen the effect this has had on the responsibility taken not just in our home but outside our home as well. The consistency is so important and one I am still working on – but then again it is forever evolving rather than aiming for an end result.
Children love boundaries, and it took me a long time to realise that when my children were younger. Much of the unwanted behaviour that children act out is from feeling anxious because there is a lack of boundaries.
Absolutely Aimee, my experience exactly.
I used to do a lot of babysitting in my teens and early 20’s. I was quite firm with the kids but they still loved it. There were times when they would say ‘but mum does it like this’, or ‘mum let’s us do this’ and my reply would be ‘I’m not your mum, and if that does not feel right for me then I can’t let you do this’.
True rules and boundaries and consequences are what allow us all to thrive.
Great blog Nicole, I love this line you’ve shared with us ‘You could say that parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.’ This is so true. I had no idea about parenting until I started to parent myself. To being open to learning from my children and allowing them to guide us as much as I was supporting and guiding them.
How true Nicole – the quality of our own self-parenting and our own self-loving is naturally the quality of child parenting.
Lately I am really feeling how I need boundaries and guidelines for myself. What I find is if I let things slide or override what I know is good for me there are serious but natural consequences. A friend put it to me the other day that rather than boundaries âstandardsâ could be a better word. It does not seperate but makes it clear that love, respect and adoration are the true mark. Thank you Nicole for showing us all the reality of how our relationships work.
Children are very observant and sensitive… and when they see behaviour that is being asked of them, reflected in the role-models around them, there is no resistance – it is a natural way of being and of living life.
This is a great blog and what we have got to realise is we are always parenting someone, it is never just “our kids”
I really appreciate it when my daughter pulls me up about something as it reminds me to come back to myself and observe my movements.
Children thrive when there are clear boundaries and have often shared this with me. It is when we choose the ‘easy way out’ and negate what we know is true that that easy way out turns out to be very complicated and time-consuming in the long run.
Ooh I really love this Nicole. Allowing children to express who they are but with the understanding that everything we do and say impacts on everyone and everything in our environment is incredibly empowering. We too raise our daughter this way and find that as she enters her teenage years she is able to come back to this foundation of responsibility herself no matter where her choices take her initially.
What a wonderful foundation you and your husband have provided for your daughter Nicole. This will more than likely make for a productive and purposeful adult life for her, and early on. If she takes forward the way of living you have helped ground in her now, thereâll be no need for wasted years.
Beautiful Nicole, reading this gives me the feeling of true family and working together – something I’m developing also in my home and life and if or when I have children this is an inspiring account of how life can be lived together, thank you. I have also had the pleasure of working with children as a nanny and absolutely agree they respond to how we are first with ourselves, then how this flows on to them – boundaries and consequences are key when delivered with love.
So much of what youâve written feels similar to my earlier experiences of parenting which were very different from the parenting Iâd received as a child. As a child I longed for clearer boundaries and knew this was something I could offer my own children. Itâs so easy to parent from what weâve known though, and there were some inherited patterns that were no longer viable once my three came along! Each child offered up something amazing to be understood and incorporated into our family and sometimes I was a little behind the 8 ball keeping up. Overall, though it was the boundaries and consequences that held true and each of my children (now young adults) are proving to be solid and responsible in their day to day lives. Without any perfection, I wholeheartedly agree that as parents, we grew up growing them up.
I’ve discovered a re-imprinting so to speak of being my own parenting role-model when it comes to responsibility of living life. It’s never to late đ
A great sharing Nicole and I especially like your comment that you are also “Parenting yourselves” also.
Super interesting article, thanks for sharing Nicole. It’s not often we think about the PURPOSE of boundaries or discipline, and often they are enforced ‘just because’. But how can anyone learn from something when a rule or response to their behaviour is not explained, and the bigger picture of ‘why’ is not shared.
Absolutely, explaining and bringing understanding around the purpose of the boundaries and discipline offers everyone the opportunity to approach family living in a cohesive way.
Consequences are not a punishment – they are a great teacher in allowing us to see that our actions have an effect on not only us but those around us too. We need to feel the impact that our choices have on our life otherwise we are not held accountable or have the opportunity to choose differently in the future.
Parenting with the laws of cause and effect. Now that’s a model that should be introduced globally. Awesome work Nicole and Michael in leading the way, of holding all of your family in love, and allowing them to feel the consequences of their actions and to be open for them doing the same for you.
I needed to read a confirming blog like this today. Yesterday I had a not so great day within myself and unfortunately, this did not only affect me, as I have a big family and I ended up reacting badly to many different situations across the morning. I apologised and chatted to my children and husband as soon as I could of course but it did not feel like enough. Last night I decided that I was going to set myself a program to make sure I didnât get to that point again. One thing was having a daily walk at a certain time, regardless of if my emails were complete or that the kids were ready or what time I got up, or what time I had to work, a daily walk at 5.30 am. I had a few more things on the list, like going for one appointment a week that was all for me, not a dentist or doctors for the kids but a session that was about me. I know these things donât sound like consequences but they are a needed resource in order for me to arrest the energy that was able to come through me, they are a commitment that I need to step back into, in order to have a foundation again. Great blog, very inspiring, thank you.
ââŚparenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first.: This is spot on.
We are each a point of light upon the earth that reflects a certain quality to all others. Based on the energy source we choose to align to this can either be a reflection of all the love that we are or, a reflection of the force we call on to counter such expression. We all, both adults and children, learn by way of reflection. That is, we look to those around us and naturally calibrate. If the many points of light are all shining less than their full volume, then it follows that we often donât want to turn ours up any brighter, lest we stand out from the crowd, get noticed, criticised, attacked via jealousy etc. As parents we have a great responsibility as to the quality of âlightâ we reflect to our children, for they notice everything. My dad used to playfully say to me âdo as I say and not as I doâ, meaning he was well aware that his movements and behaviours did not match what he was asking of me. This is why it is so important to parent ourselves first, so that when we parent our children, we do it from an authentic living way that always inspires and never imposes.
Thank you for sharing all about the power of responsibility and the importance of boundaries and consequences. It’s a great confirmation for the way we are starting to parent our daughter.
So refreshing to hear and feel an example of how these ways of parenting can be used to not control but to truly inspire and teach a child to be who they truly are.
“We knew instantly we had to parent in a way that allowed her to be who she was” This awareness is beautiful, many times parents might see their child as something they can model all themselves but what you are sharing is that children are already complete when they are born. We don’t have to add things to them just let their innate knowing come out in full.
‘Using’ life as a point of reflection and not something you move on from day to day allows you to see things in a different way. It’s not made of getting through or getting by or pushing ahead but more about the feeling, the flow and appreciation. The reflections allows you to see life as a cycle which makes sense with all else around you while the others put life on a line for you to go from point A to point B while being actually on the same line, nothing truly changes. When we do our part in this way it makes it easier for others to choose the same thing and doesn’t feed in to life but just being about life.
I am not a parent (although my job is working with young people) but from observation of others how often do we truly and I mean truly parent in a way that allows our child to be all they truly are without any imposition. No judgement just observation. Obviously without perfection but I know through busy or stressful lives people often have little quality time for their children or young people or have this only now and then. Also it is pointless trying to tell or show another how to live if we are not doing this ourselves. What I really love about your relationship with your daughter is the equality in how she can pull you up too when needed ‘The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out’.
How refreshing that the boundaries and consequences you mention are not dictated parent to child, but that there is an emphasis in living the integrity and adopting what feels true from there. I love the way this goes both ways, as your daughter also calls you and your husband to accountability if you step up and there is a recognised responsibility in that.
I adore the honesty children bring into our lives by reflecting and acting similar to what they have seen us do. A great mirror to look into. What a beautiful challenge both for us and our children to make being responsible into something that supports everybody
Having this relationship with your children is the best possible start you can give them, as they will grow up and be prepared to be an adult, and take responsibility for their actions.
This is what true parenting is about, a living way of being responsible and accountable and offer each other support to grow and take the next step. ‘It was not from being told but from a place that was observed and felt.’
As a mother, it is so huge to read this and resound what you share. Children watch us all the time and we have a responsibility to reflect to them what responsibility is. Boundaries are part of this. But boundaries that are based on their choice to not be love.
Nicole, I too have found with my son that boundaries and consequences are necessary and that there can then be a discussion as to why consequences have been used, this I find invaluable and has allowed us all the opportunity to express how we are feeling and what feels ok and what doesn’t feel ok.
Love this, what an awesome read ????
wow Nicole, this is powerful, this is equal authentic emotional intelligence that many need to see and show their kids, also learn from their kids
Love your way of thinking, lucky kids ???? x
Consequences are paramount in parenting as we are not parenting an individual to exist on their own but to work and live in connection with another and the levels of responsibility that goes with this territory needs a solid foundation from which to work from.
Applying this model of parenting to ourselves is so crucial if we are to be any form of role model to others. And itâs in the connection to our bodies is where I have learnt the true boundaries and consequences come from. Through my feelings I learn when I have overstepped and the knock on effects.
We have too many children that have no idea how to live and navigate the world, what is shared here supports just that. An understanding of and ability to discern energy, people and self and move through life knowing and living by the responsibilities we all have.
Spot on Leigh – kids are not all being parented and very often we can see kids being the parents more so than the parents themselves. As a result a lot of school teachers are having to take on board a lot of the parenting which then takes them away from the actual teaching roles that they should be doing. Raising children is a community responsibility and it does involve boundaries and rules and consequences and it helps when everyone is on board to do this.
‘The boundaries and consequences go both ways, as she is just as responsible for calling us to accountability if we step out, as we are to her.’ I often wonder if this is the reason why parents and adults don’t encourage children to be responsible and deny a child’s wisdom- they want to stay in the comfort of not taking responsibility for their lives and so the adult to child relationship becomes a ‘do as you’re told, I know better and don’t comment on what I do that isn’t true!’ So beautiful to read how everyone in the family is supporting all members to be responsible and loving. How rich this is.
Thank you Nicole, it’s so important for children to learn from parents and carers who are living what they ask of, and teach, a child. As you shared, your daughter is equal to you and she can support her parents in return. As a child I didn’t find it very convincing to have people tell me not to smoke when they had cigarettes in their mouth. The words felt empty, and obviously were not inspiring! Children know and feel the authenticity and livingness (or not) of the adults around them, and a true lived way helps them to learn by role modelling. We can teach kids all the knowledge in the world but it’s the way we live that gives them the foundation they need. Knowledge can then come after that.
“parenting our daughter began with parenting ourselves first” – this is so true, because if we do not have a routine or if we are not willing to take responsability for the way we live, how can we expect that and impart that way of being to our children?
I love reading this Nicole, a beautiful and inspiring way for parenting to support all children to be growing up with the understanding of responsibility and awareness of consequences is such a great gift for life.
“Introducing boundaries and consequences felt like a way to support her in feeling the consequences of her choices. It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility”.
This is a beautiful account of true parenting that shines a light on what is possible when love and understanding, with a healthy dose of boundaries and consequences, are in the mix; so confirming to read how a deep and abiding commitment to responsibility is what nurtures true relationship within your family.
This is so beautiful Nicole. It shows that there is a natural way to live that is responsible. And it is one that feels natural to a child if she is shown it by others. What an amazing start to life your daughter has had.
Gorgeous blog Nicole. ” It was important that we allowed her to express, but with that expression came a responsibility.” If we don’t introduce consequences to our young ones, we are letting them down. Taking responsibility for all areas of our life can start from a very young age.
Nicole, your expression as a parent is beautiful. If there was ever a model of parenting then this would be it; for what could be more powerful than parenting ourselves first before parenting our children, with the loving understanding that choices equal consequences. Taking responsibility then naturally follows.
Yes and if we try to implement this kind of discipline without first living it ourselves the push back is enormous. It is very easy to say it is another but it is worth checking in the mirror of honesty first – just in case!
Yes Lucy as what we live is felt in every moment and the judgement that comes from parenting when we are not living this is felt by our children.
Children learn far more from observing what we do and how we behave than any words alone. I would go on to say its the same with adults. We can feel what a person is like from their movements and behaviour more that we give conscious awareness to.
Yes Debra, we can over ride, block out or discount what we feel but we still feel it and children are very aware of what they feel.
I am always so bowled over by how much children flourish on responsibility.
Simone Benhayon has inspired me enormously with the way she teaches children & young adults, every swim lesson she hands over another challenge another fun packed opportunity for them to discover how responsible & capable they really are, and without fail, again and again I see them leave the pool 2inches higher, expanded & connected to the wonder that is their potential.
What a great example, Lucinda, of how much fun and how confirming in self-confidence it is for children to be responsible.
Lucinda, I adore what you are sharing with us all, because I can feel the absolute truth in the words you have written, they jump of the page. I can also add that the children I have observed seem to have so much fun and that is something that children today seem to be lacking; a space to just have innocent fun and play time while learning at the same time. That to me is true education.
Thank you Nicole, I absolutely love this blog and what you are presenting in it. I especially love the awareness you present of not suppressing childrenâs’ expression whilst at the same time supporting them to know that there are values that you live with in your home and that if these values are not upheld and therefore impact others then there are consequences. This feel like a very caring way to approach parenting.
The key word that you have shared here Elizabeth Dolan is ‘values’ which is a great marker of the expression a family can hold for the children to grow and understand the core ways of living that honour all and at the same time give room for all to grow.
I agree Elizabeth – children need to be fostered in their expression and confidence in being themselves, and yet also shown that there is no compromise when it comes to being all of who they are, setting standards and teaching responsibility.
There is no doubt about it children love boundaries, with boundaries there is a consistency and this consistency allows them trust and feel safe.
Yes, kids also feel the love that we have for ourselves too. I also get that it starts with us first – learning to parent ourselves – to hold ourselves accountable, responsible, for all of our actions, and to build trust and consistency with ourselves, first. From that foundation, we can then bring those qualities to all others.
It most definitely starts with loving ourselves first and the impact of that on everyone is beyond what I think we can even imagine.
This is really lovely to hear Fiona especially giving children and young people boundaries not to punish but instead to have a consistency in their life and something to trust and feel safe with. On reflection in how we are currently living as a society I can see that these loving boundaries have not been held firmly in place to support children and young people as they should be.