I am a parent, a female parent. I have a son and a daughter. I am married and my husband and I share many of the parental responsibilities equally. When my son arrived two years after our daughter, we naturally loved him equally, as we do our daughter… we see them as equal. Yes, they have different qualities because of their gender and who they are in essence, but at no point have we treated them as less or more because one is a girl and the other is a boy.
It is not about the sort of equality where we push boys to be passive, or get girls to compete with boys, it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true – no pressure or pictures or roles, rather allowing them to unfold with an understanding that both genders are equally significant and have their own expression and yet are, in essence, of the same origin.
However this is not common in the world… yet. Why are we still so caught up in roles, pictures of the way we need to act in our genders and in how we parent boys differently to girls?
I have frequently heard young boys being told to toughen up, not cry, to like fighting games and super heroes, to beat others in races or games, that they are no good at looking after their home, that it is normal to be rough, not want to be tidy, to not want to look after another person, to not wear pink, nor like flowers or beauty.
Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees? Does he not stare in joy at a flower opening up, enjoy the nurturing quality of a lovely shade of pink in his jumper, or snuggle up and enjoy the big caring arms of a parent?
Where did we get the idea that we support our boys by perpetuating these ideas; that boys should not show how they feel if they get hurt, that they need to harden up, not enjoy beautiful things, be aggressive, be physically dominant and win to get ahead?
A question for us as parents and mothers: what kind of men are our boys growing into when we role model in such a way?
My son, like my daughter, is gentle, so sweet, sensitive, caring, playful, enjoys beauty and order, with things being put away neatly. He is understanding, aware of others and when he has fallen, bumped, tripped, or felt fear in his life, I have my arms open equally with care and support, as I would for his sister.
If my son falls, he has the same physiological responses as my daughter does: his skin tears, there may be blood, bruises, tears and shock. Many of us adults respond in entirely different ways if this incident occurs to a boy rather than a girl; with a boy you often hear parents suggesting not to cry and to get up and toughen up, rather than offering a cuddle and care.
I have heard many conversations between women that are about the kind of men they would like to be with, or how their man is not fulfilling their idea of what makes a ‘real’ man.
Some criticism includes that men are:
- Messy, and do not clean up after themselves
- Irresponsible around the home
- Rough and careless
- Insensitive
- Can’t talk about their feelings
- Not gentle
- Do not understand their female partner
- Competitive and trying to get the upper hand
- Distant and distracted by hobbies
- Aggressive and dominating.
But hang on one moment, haven’t we as parents just endorsed all of these habits from a very young age in our boys? We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.
Do we really think that these habits are set through our gender distinctions and not through habitual cultural stereotyping and parenting, when all we need to do is observe a young toddler at a play group to observe these behaviours, traits and habits being instilled from a very young age? We, as mothers and role models, have a significant responsibility in how we support boys to become the true men that they are naturally born to be and are.
My young son is growing into an extremely loving, strong, steady and expressive young man who is not imprisoned by what society says he should be. He is very free to express who he is through what he feels is true within him. He is a boy, but as a parent it is not up to me to tell him what it means to be a certain ‘type’ of male, nor the man he should be in this life. That is for him to discover, express and choose.
I know from conversations that some parents and mothers fear that their sons will be hurt or excluded if they do not conform to what a man is supposed to be, so they make sure they encourage them to learn to not show their feelings and tell them to toughen up in the hope that this will enable them to get through life with less suffering and pain. This is without doubt one of the most disabling choices we can make as parents – to toughen up our children. This cuts our children off from feeling, which is in fact our ultimate strength. In choosing to not feel, we disconnect from who we truly are, and then there is nothing but sorrow, disconnection and a functioning way of being, rather than a truly fulfilling life.
We do not protect our sons when we seek this as a remedy – we instead perpetuate the status quo that does not support either gender. We are all born with a precious tool for life, our bodies. When we harden up and disconnect through not wanting to feel things, we are not able to connect so deeply with our bodies. The body naturally supports us when we are connected to it and when we cut off or numb ourselves, we are less able to express how we are feeling, and so neglect to truly care for ourselves or others.
My son may cry when he is punched, trips or is talked to in an aggressive way; he may at times feel isolated and not be accepted in a group because he does not join in the competition, fighting or name calling that is involved; he may feel the pressure to conform and join in with what is presented as ‘normal’ behaviour for a male. This is his choice; I do not make judgment either way, but I do take my job seriously as a role model and counsel as he grows and develops. I will be responsible and offer guidance and support as he encounters these pressures throughout life. I significantly will always be open to who he naturally is to support him to explore and hold these qualities as he so chooses.
As a parent I take this into consideration in everyday parenting – how am I within myself, what is the quality of our relationships, how my children are flourishing, are they steady and confident within themselves, do they feel free to communicate how they feel? These considerations determine the way I am with them as a role model.
In the long term, it is important to consider how I raise and support my son now. How will he develop in life, how will he react or respond to his experiences, will he feel confident and able to enjoy being himself and will he be able to engage in meaningful relationships, expressing the qualities he was naturally born with?
It is clear that supporting him to honour what he feels, confirming / encouraging the expression of his natural sensitivity, care and gentleness will enable him to find his way with these super powerful qualities intact and this can only support him and others. These qualities are often underestimated in society and often derided in a man. It does not make a man weak to be open to feeling what is going on in the world, within his body, in his relationships – it is a strength and benefit for himself and all others.
We are here to offer support and raise our children. We are guardians in their lives; our purpose is not to control, own or pander, it is to support them to make choices that offer the freedom to express, be responsible and empower themselves so that they live meaningful lives of purpose and value within their own sphere and within society.
By Anonymous.
Further Reading:
It’s a Boy! What is true gender equality?
Stitched Up
Gender based violence – where does it begin? Do we really want to know?
Raising Boys – Are we Imposing on Them?
What I’m beginning to understand at the tender age of 64 is that parenting comes with a consciousness that is so thick and hard wired within us I for one didn’t appreciate it was there. When you’re in a thick fog it can be difficult to find a way out. There are so many pictures and ideals which keep us wrapped up or should I say locked up for life times. The consciousness of parenting seems so big I will be unpicking the threads for many years but I’m determined to extract myself of the lies, deceit and pure evil that is embedded in our psyche.
I think it’s crazy that we have all collectively contributed to the world we live in and yet we can ask the question why do we do this, or why do we do that. We have as a collective stood by, not spoken up when we saw something wasn’t right. We are all guilty of if it isn’t happening to me and I’m not affected then it’s okay to do whatever. But this is so shortsighted because it does affect us because we cannot move without our movements affecting everyone. So if I move in anger then everyone in the world has anger passing through them and if they chose to use that anger against someone then I have contributed to the abuse just by my movements. So how important is it that we take responsibility for all our actions, thoughts, words and movement. This is another huge science that we are not taught and by withholding this science we have the abusive world we all live in and have contributed towards. So when we go to confession and tell the priest our sins and by saying a few ‘Hail Mary’s’ while rubbing our rosary we were forgiven know it’s a complete lie.
When we care and parent our children equally they grow up with an understanding of equality. We are all equally naturally loving and sensitive.
What a great sharing, as we can all learn so much from being open in our relationships with everyone especially as you have shared when we do not impose our ways on an-other as if we do we are judging that we know better than them when we have never walked in their shoes, this life or previous life-times.
There is so much wisdom in children it’s naturally there, it our job as adults to nurture and encourage this quality.
We are born with precious tools – our bodies, they are like a wise best friend, ‘When we harden up and disconnect through not wanting to feel things, we are not able to connect so deeply with our bodies. The body naturally supports us when we are connected to it and when we cut off or numb ourselves, we are less able to express how we are feeling, and so neglect to truly care for ourselves or others.’
To raise boys and girls wth no pictures, roles or ideals is quite an art considering the bombardment from society at every angle about how boy, girls, women and men should behave. To allow are children to be as they are, in their natural delicacy without any imposition about toughening up and to allow them to express how they are feeling, is super important for self-esteem and strength of character.
To support our children to connect to their body confirms who they are and therefore a confidence that comes from within naturally flourishes. We do not need to tell our boys and girls to compete or toughen up to feel good about themselves; confidence is there when a child knows who they are and it is my/our responsibility as a parent, teacher, grandparent etc to support them in a world that is set out to encourage and entice everything they are not.
My experience is that the more connected a man is to his tenderness and sensitivity, the stronger he is.
And more confident in himself. Deepen the connection to our qualities such as delicateness and tenderness the more aware and secure in ourselves we become.
I just love this picture. So much light and innocence coming from one so young, yet how much will this young boy be influenced by what he sees and hears around him as he grows up? Thankfully there are parents who now know differently, that there is a way to bring up children that offers them a true reflection of life, to support them to know what they feel is true and how to take responsibility for what they do.
‘Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees? Does he not stare in joy at a flower opening up, enjoy the nurturing quality of a lovely shade of pink in his jumper, or snuggle up and enjoy the big caring arms of a parent?’ I love this, it is so true. I love that young boys have not yet learnt from society that there are certain things that they are not meant to like and so they can simply play with and be how they naturally feel. It is a huge shame that ideals and beliefs in society crush boys’ natural way of being and expect boys to behave in a certain, very stereotyped way.
Yes, it is very beautiful to see the naturalness of children before ideals and beliefs creep in.
I have notched how there is a lot of emphasis these days on defining who we all are according to the genders that we have, with some people reacting to their physicality and going to extremes with their expression of it. And it seems to me that the more we define ourselves by the physicality only of our material selves, the more we step away from knowing the energetic part of ourselves, the essence of us, the divinity within.
The bombardment of roles is evident from birth of how we want our children to be giving no space to the true honouring they offer us of themselves and others at birth.
‘Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees?’ When I share this with a class of 8 and 9-year-old children the initial level of surprise that this is true takes a moment to settle in. Already, by this tender age there is the expectation that boys are tougher than girls. This belief really is something we need to break.
So huge for us to read this as parents and celebrate the natural tenderness offered from birth, As I raise my son, I love taking this level of wisdom into it and deeply appreciating him for this.
I feel we get the idea that we need to harden up our boys in order for them to survive. Parents think they are doing the right thing, but if one generation of parents all decide to support their boys (and girls) to remain tender, what would they need protecting from?
“We are guardians in their lives; our purpose is not to control, own or pander, it is to support them to make choices that offer the freedom to express, be responsible and empower themselves so that they live meaningful lives of purpose and value within their own sphere and within society.” I would love to see every new mum, be given this quote to go home with, as would I love to see this quote on every playgroup, school door.
We are guardians not owners, when we think we own we think we have a right to abuse. True family is not about ownership, true family is exactly what you write here.
This is such a great point; ‘We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.’
This is beautiful to read; ‘it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true – no pressure or pictures or roles,’ I can feel in society there is so much set up for boys to be a certain way – from the clothes and toys on offer that seem to be aimed at boys or girls rather than at both genders, to the way we treat boys and girls in society. My very tender, young boy is often expected to act in a certain way and to say certain things which are simply not in his nature but which are what society considers boys should be like. When showing an interest in a shop filled with sparkly, colourful accessories he was told that that shop is for girls and when expressing his interest in going shopping he was told that shopping is for girls not boys – this goes against his nature and pigeon holes boys and girls rather than allowing them express themselves naturally.
“A question for us as parents and mothers: what kind of men are our boys growing into when we role model in such a way” I love your whole blog – we need more mothers to see through the illusion and express in this way. Every generation suffers when one does not stop the harm that stuck on repeat.
When we raise our children from young to not see their gender as defining them and to enjoy expressing themselves then they are accepted by themselves first and foremost for who they are. That self-acceptance of the Love they are and the Love they are from is a foundation that supports them in whatever path and expression in life they take.
As with boys, so it is with girls. Being pushed towards pink when they may be drawn to light blue – not because of any gender orientation, just colour preference – and way more besides. What I like about this blog is that it reinforces how parents are not creators of the end product their children become in adulthood, but simply guardians of the adults their children will choose to become, with guidance on what is true by lived example, so that their children are free to choose, to learn, to grow and to evolve – and not become a cookie-cutter version of our own pictures of what ideal or right should look like.
Boys are naturally very tender and sensitive beings, it is through lack of allowing and nurturing these innate qualities that men grow up hard, tough, aggressive and unable to express the hurts that they truly feel. It is interesting that when it comes to a man holding a baby we often see the beautiful qualities appear, they are never lost, only hidden by an array of hurts unable to be expressed.
We are all deeply sensitive so to be able to honour this in both sexes from the day we are born is really really important. When we look around the generations and men have been asked and told to be tough it has resorted in the Women shutting down too as in this act we are saying it is not ok to be sensitive. We all have a role to play in being the deeply sensitive beings that we are.
If we all are in essence the same our expressions of that essence can contain the same sensitivity, tenderness and care no matter what the gender. Whilst the outside package might be different, if we have not been imposed upon in terms of what ideals and beliefs of how we should be we can have our own natural way of expressing ourselves.
When speaking to boys (and girls) aged 7 to 9 in the classroom about the innate sensitivity of us all and the fact that boys are equally as sensitive as girls, there is an absolute consensus and a confirming yes from the whole class in agreement. Sometimes there is a sense of surprise at the revelation, but I have always encountered an openness to discussing this topic as the truth is deeply felt.
When we see ourselves as innocent, pure and untarnished as a young baby – we’ll start to understand we are all equally beautiful and deserving of deep care. Truly it’s only fair.
Fiona so true, how freeing would our children feel if they could grow up being who they are and not what the TV says they should be?
‘Does a 3 yr old boy not hurt the same as a 3 yr old girl if they fall on their knees?’ A good point. And doesn’t a 30 yr old man hurt the same as a 30 yr old woman after an emotional hurt? Being ‘brave’ should not be seen as a badge of honour in our society.
Being brave asks us not to allow what we all crave inside to feel and be held in our truth which is our deepest levels of sensitivity.
Guiding a child does not mean I have to know everything or control the situation. It simply means to be myself, connected with myself always, express Truth without holding back. The reason why children like some people more than parents is because parents have this picture that children have to look up to them but the inspiration is there when this picture is intact, as parents in a ‘picture’ have lost themselves.
I love this insight into the parent/child relationship and the re-writing of the way we see it, bringing equality and respect to the forefront.
If the boy in the picture above does not retain his tenderness and sensitivity as he grows up then we have all failed him, whether we know him or not. We are all part of the problem and therefore part of the solution in supporting boys to retain their sensitivity.
Beautiful, Elizabeth. Dispensing further with any ownership we might feel about ‘our own’ children and opening up to the responsibility we all have to live a standard of parenting for all children.
The responsibility lies with us all. When we offer this to every boy we offer the loving tender man to the world!
When you see a child as who they are, and not who you think they should be, the door is open to the glory of that child.
Yes and the reflection is a call for us to embrace that way of living and expressing as well.
Reading this I can feel that boys are so rarely raised with this freedom to be themselves and to love and support others in the community; ‘it is to support them to make choices that offer the freedom to express, be responsible and empower themselves so that they live meaningful lives of purpose and value within their own sphere and within society.’ How different society would be if this was the focus for parenting boys.
The impact of toxic masculinity and the way we shape our boys into men is just beginning to be discussed. In the face of the high rates of suicide faced by men worldwide, we have to begin to question their experience of life.
It does not make a man weak to be open to feeling what is going on in the world, within his body, in his relationships – it is a strength and benefit for himself and all others.
An ability to express our feelings openly and honestly offers a consistent deep confirmation of who we naturally are and in turn establishes a bodily settlement that cannot be rattled by what goes on around us.
Under the current model of society we think we empower men to be in the strength and authority but in fact we are disempowering them and instead asking them to bury their feelings. Feelings they do not feel equipped to deal with anyway which supposedly do not matter as strength and provado matter more.
How men are today we have all contributed to it. It is poignant to acknowledge this and because we feel we want to change it all at once which is not necessary or realistic, we see a lot of what is unacceptable around. All we need is to acknowledge that this happens and to feel into the detriment, allow it. And carry on with life, observing what becomes different.
Great point Adele, what we don’t like or see in the way men are today is indeed a result of how they have been raised by society, no boy sets out to be shut down and aggressive.
‘An equality that allows both genders to express themselves as they feel to’ – no pictures of what being a woman or a man means, but just simply allowing ourselves, and all others, the grace and space to feel what this means for ourselves, and expressing from there.
True strength rather than toughness… yes, I agree, Fiona.
It is so embedded in society that men need to be a certain way. To make space for seeing and living in relationship with men in their true qualities. I have to apply a lot of understanding and patience to myself whilst dispensing with these social ‘rules’.
I feel there are two important things we can do as mothers to support our sons. One is to not need anything form our sons, so they can grow up as they would free of women’s emotional needs. The other is that we deeply honour ourselves, so they don’t grow up seeing that compromise, sacrifice and contraction are normal for women and seek that in their partners.
We are not here to achieve goals, sales figures or win trophies but connect to our essence. When we do this we can support other people to do this too – this is true relationship and parenting is where we get to encourage that too. Our essence is everything and we should never forget that.
The stereotypes of how to raise girls different to boys are artificial creations of a world that has lost its way.
Allowing children their natural expression whether this is wearing pink or blue or playing with dolls or building blocks is fundamental in honouring them as person and allowing for their natural skills to shine though- so that we all may be inspired.
Every time I come to this blog the reflection of the child in the photo offers stops me every time, such beauty, tenderness and divineness; a reminder of where we come from…
Simply look into the eyes of this boy and know the true qualities of a man. There is no question and it can therefore only be a privilege to be a custodian of this tenderness, strength, wisdom and sensitivity.
Matilda that’s super inspiring, great to see the opportunity to truly support our children to be all of whom they are is nothing short of an amazing privilege.
“Boy to Man: Our Roles as Mothers” – is simply to be a deeply self-loving woman that deeply loves her boy, her man.. and the rest of those she shares and has a life with.
Parenting asks us to let go of these stereotypes we have lived and connect to our children’s true essence. If we do this with them, then surely we must also see we ourselves are not the behaviours we thought ourselves to be. Thank you.
I’m not technically a mother, but of course I come into contact with loads of children and it’s a great question in general – what is our role with young people? For me it immediately makes me sit up and take responsibility because these young people are watching us and gauging their future lives on what they see from us – so we really have a responsibility to live as true as we can and with as much love, care and integrity as possible.
The inequality we are currently seeing in our global society in relation to race, religion, gender and sexual identity is very much fuelled by how many young boys and girls are being raised, and not honouring them for who they ARE and instead labelling them based on their gender, appearance, grades etc.
Samatha if we are to listen to our inner essence, what we feel and know is true and then parent and express from that then its amazing as you say how we can parent from any “gender” and raise kids to be who they truly are.
‘It is not about the sort of equality where we push boys to be passive, or get girls to compete with boys, it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true…’ Now this feels what living in equality should be like, each person and each gender living and expressing from their essence, without roles and ideals.
As mothers we are our sons and daughters first and foremost role models and as such are in a position to offer them through our caring and tender way of being with ourself and with them equally a true foundation that can support them to not be so influenced by the outside forces they will be subjected to, which begins when they start school or even before.
By nurturing their unique qualities we are allowing them to truly know themselves and the powerful beings they/we all truly are and to also see through the facade that most male and females are in fact limiting themselves by.
I sat next to two 3 year old boys who were having a conversation about their toys. Each boy looked openly and respectfully at the other and the tender movements of their hands towards one another is just one example of how boys truly are in contrast to the rough and tumble boyish behaviour we are sold as the norm.
It’s beautiful to see that you’ treat your boy and girl the same. The fact is that yes, when a boy or a girl falls down, the physiological consequences are the same – skin, tears, there may be blood, etc. Therefore if that’s the case, then it must hurt equally too, right? So why do we encourage our boys to numb out the pain? Or on the other spectrum, we encourage our girls to be over-sensitive, just because “they’re girls” and girls are expected to cry…
” But hang on one moment, haven’t we as parents just endorsed all of these habits from a very young age in our boys? We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways. ”
This is so important to expose, as the boy of today is the man of tomorrow. Parenting is the key to supporting a boy to grow into the ” Gentleman ” he is.
I love the word gentleman and nowadays often split it, writing is as ‘gentle man’ to emphasise the fact that gentleness is innate in every man.
As mothers, we are the first relationship our sons have with a woman. And we’re the predominant one for quite a few years. The tone we set is one that becomes embedded and therefore it’s our responsibility to be a living example of how male and female relationships can be.
As mothers, we can load so much onto our young sons. Many years ago my mother (since deceased) was in the hospital and saw a middle-aged man dote on his mother – she had clearly become his life. My mother thought this was how sons should be and stated that’s why she always wanted a son so that he would love her and look after her at the expense of having his own life. We did briefly talk about it at the time, and the conversation did get me to ponder on what has happened in her life where it seemed to me she felt so unloved by the only man in her life – her husband.
Julie it was an interesting observation you made because when we erect barriers then we deprive ourselves of a loving relationship with ourselves first which then deprives us of a truly loving relationship with others as we need them to love us in a way that we do not love ourselves and that places a huge burden on any relationship from the get go.
The innate beauty of a boy is very gorgeous, when he is in the expression of his sensitivity this can be confronting for some as it can expose what we have denied in ourselves and this is why people shut it down.
Realising the truth of your last paragraph and regularly reminding myself of this has been one of the most liberating, supportive and inspiring things to accept and bring into parenting. It has helped me to walk respectfully alongside my children as fellow learners, rather than try to control them and make them turn out in a way that validates me.
As you say ‘fellow learners’ your comment got me pondering, concerning this I can feel that I also parent myself, as I learn to parent my children, I am also aware that I am here to reparent myself, to heal any hurts from childhood and life experiences, a reconnection to a life lived with responsibility and love and be tender with myself. I reread the paragraph today, thank you for that and I and can see that this is what we are here to bring to everyone, including ourselves. Parenting is a way of being, not limited to children and parents, but also in this relationship as a parent I have felt deeply held and loved by my children in their wisdom, this in itself is ‘parenting’. It is a holding loving quality of being that says I am here, I hold you in love but I will not say yes to anything less, or anything that does not feel true. I will appreciate what is true and honour it. This, without perfection, as we grow, learn and develop, we can offer to everyone we meet.
Your definition of true equality is so simple and shatters all the beliefs that boys and girls are not equal. “It is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true”. No rules, no shoulds, no have to’s, simply the space to feel their inner essence and to slowly discover who they truly are.
This blog offers a respectful approach to parenting our teens, an approach that empowers them to understand they feel everything and what they do with that feeling is important for their body.
The photo with this blog is absolutely gorgeous. And from my experience with men returning to their sensitivity and tenderness it’s equally gorgeous and it can be confronting for women who have been parented to not feel worthy of being held so tenderly and yet it’s everything we have always wanted.
Just like we are sold ways of being a man and a woman in the world from very young we are also sold models of parenting that are clearly not correct and not working. It is a completely different way to parent knowing that your child already is everything they need to be when they are born and it is simply a process of supporting them to express that more and more in the world, rather than feeling that we have to teach, mould and essentially force them to comply with the world’s demands.
A reflection of Godly innocence and beauty met me as I opened this blog this morning, this little boy is reflecting how truly beautiful we all are when we are connected with our inner most. Our true essence with a reminder that it is safe for me, for us all, to not hold back all that we are.
There is no question that that world is configured to bring out different qualities in men and women – and not in a good way, focussing on things like the raw power without the tenderness in men. We have a responsibility to reflect back a different way, whether a parent or not – simple as that.
The way we parent our boys will produce the men of the future. As grown women we often bemoan the common problem that men don’t know how to express or show their feelings. Yet we allow the societal norm of toughening up our boys to squash the sweetness and sensitivity of our boys. This is something we need to be much more aware of if things are to change for our men and relationships.
Our beauty sensitivity and tenderness and love is part of who we all are and it is a sad way we live where our very culture and beliefs crush and deny this beauty in our boys our men and allows a way of living that is unacceptable to our very being ness. The time has come for true honouring of who we all are with treasuring the love and divinity innately in us all and for these changes to be made by each of us with ourselves first and hence how we treat others.
There is such a stereotype placed on gender, and yet this is the opposite of our true expression. I see how a baby boy and baby girl are no different, so all these learnt behaviours are imposed on them to be ‘male’ and ‘female’ – that is a deep loss – becuase we have people sacrificing how they feel to be what others want them to be.
Responsibility such as this is natural if we communicate from our soul. This is not special parenting and it is not that other ways are wrong, but rather what is the energy that has governed our way to parent in the first place. Like everything else, parenting does not come from any pictures, it is futile that way. But in dropping pictures even those one may have constructed from this Blog, and to connect, will we know how to be with our children.
As a boy and young man I certainly got very confused and bamboozled by the messages I was constantly given about how I should be and the conflict of these messages compared with who I felt I was on the inside. It felt like I almost could not survive or live staying who I was as it simply did not fit in with the world, because I did not have the support and awareness I now have. I would say that most men get affected by this to some degree and many get crushed by it, spending their whole lives trying to pretend to be something they are not. The pressure on the body of trying to sustain this is immense and so is it any wonder we see extreme, abusive, violent and aggressive behaviours in men? This is not to excuse these at all but simply to shed more light and understanding as to why they might be occurring.
This blog highlights how we can all have a moan or complain sometimes about how the world is because we sense it is not as it could be, however are we willing to take responsibility for what we are bringing or living that is contributing to or feeding back to us a quality of world and life that we are ourselves creating?
I like the link you have made here, Andrew, it is refreshing – that all our moaning is an indicator of the fact that we know the current state of the world is way off course… no ducking out of this.
Sexism is one thing but an even bigger part is this habit of seeing ourselves as divorced from our heart, our origin and true nature. As long as we stay trapped in the idea that we all are ‘just people’ – this is the biggest prejudice of all. Your words lead me to feel that it’s high time we cherish ourselves as multi-dimensional beings, way beyond gender or roles.
Joseph not only are we as you say
” trapped in the idea that we all are ‘just people’ – this is the biggest prejudice of all.”
We are also trapped into believing that there is only one life, which is a complete lie that many of us have fallen for.
Not imposing on our children to be anything other than who they are is truly raising them. It can be difficult to not want them to be and achieve and succeed in life according to our pictures and ideals.
Having two sons has been the biggest inspiration for me in re-discovering my own innate tenderness. They have taught me so much…and it’s not always been in a ‘good’ way. At times, I have imposed upon them in ways that you describe and have been so clearly shown that this is not their truth, and then this in turn has given me an even greater ‘permission’ and impulse to tap into the same tenderness that is innately in me. It’s an amazing journey and I am indebted to them for what they have shown me and am in deep appreciation of myself for being open enough to see it.
Otto thank you for sharing your relationship with your two sons with such openness. We do impose on our children all the time with expectations, ideals and beliefs which was the method we were squashed by our parents. So having this conversation is a breath of fresh air where it is possible to be open and honest so that we can change how we interact with our children and grow ourselves too.
Just being able to offer an unobtrusive and open support as a parent, not placing any of our own pressures and expectations is an amazing gift to our children, giving them the space to be themselves.
We do know this about the way we treat the genders differently and it is fascinating and important to explore our beliefs, which frees us from their grip and our blindness.
The nature or nurture discussion opened up to a whole new level. How we pattern our societies and how we can make significant changes by simply stepping back and supporting children to develop their innate qualities rather than imposing our beliefs onto them. Thank you.
Even if we as parents do hold our sons to be the tender boys they are the education system, the media, and the world in general all have a go at bringing them down, toughening them up and making a ‘man’ out of them.
It’s true Kathleen. The world we live in does not openly accept let alone support men to be the true tender and sensitive beings that they are. All the more reason for us as mothers to deeply honour those qualities that we know to be true in our sons, even when they get older and adopt a way of protecting themselves from the harsh and dismissive attitudes that are not willing to accept that this is who they are from their innate sensitivity.
Indeed they do, but the parents and other adults around them can be the beholders of that truth and can always offer the support needed, so that they can see and feel that they have a choice. As a parent, that is my main goal – for any children around me to know that there is another choice. It’s super tough out there, intense and so it’s mighty important that they get to see the other way and that they can feel the support needed to choose that way.
The lack of imposition and the honouring and being ness of love of our children is gold in the respect and responsibility of who we are naturally and the way we are parented and live this which and says everything.
Seeing the photo above there is nothing but a pureness and natural impulse to ensure that this little boy knows and grows up to know deeper who he truly is and the massive ball of love that is him. Anything to corrupt this naturalness, heavenliness seen in his whole being and eyes, even through raising him any differently in love to another child who is a girl, to me would be evil. A child is sacred, as too is their truth. In this how could there be any delineation through gender?
Yes, the delineation of gender is interesting and simply a reflection of our delineation of so many other areas in our lives. As a human race, we seem to like to put things in boxes so it can all be easily understood. Boxes with borders! When you look beyond those physical borders you can feel that we are all the same love in our essence and we have our own amazing reflection to offer the world. Having borders, roles, boxes just reduces us and what we are here to offer and reflect – which is borderless.
I look at the eyes of the boy in the photo above and feel such wisdom and openness that requires no imposition of societal or personal values.
The pressure is immense in the world for a boy to conform to a hard way of living, where they say they do not care, they will not cry, that they are rough and all the while, it is seen as normal. The story about boys having shorter attention spans, I have not seen a difference in my children, boy and girl, it is a lot more to do with them being at ease with themselves and able to process the information available, and they read how it feels and if they attempt to ignore it or deny it. This is the level we need to be talking on, how things feel and the energetic component to life, not just the superficial see it and do it stuff. Children are deeply sensitive and learning their way in the world that does not often feel supportive of who they are, there are. There are ways of behaving and talking that many see as normal, but it is like smoking, once thought normal, the tide can change and a more healthy way of being can emerge.
It does indeed raise some points to ponder and reflect upon as women. There needs to be a shift concerning how men and woman see themselves and how they interact. How we parent both our boys and girls matters, the same old stereotypes and ideas breed separation and false notions of what it means to be a woman or man. That is why it matters so deeply how we live ourselves as parents, understanding that every choice matters.
I consider it a miracle and a blessing but actually it is a naturalness of love to be with a teenage son who is very delicate and tender and will express this. Love is very powerful.
Working with children in the past has given me the scope to feel that our men of the future have the potential to live their caring and loving ways if we start the honouring from the day of conception and make our way of living supportive of this.
“This cuts our children off from feeling, which is in fact our ultimate strength. In choosing to not feel, we disconnect from who we truly are, and then there is nothing but sorrow, disconnection and a functioning way of being, rather than a truly fulfilling life.” As I read these words it feels so painful within my very core, that we choose to do this and condone this behaviour with our children, when they reflect so much sensitivity, tenderness and preciousness back to us and we feel to crush it and curtail it. As you say, our feelings are our greatest strength as they lead us to understand who we truly are in essence and when we can express them this is our greatest empowerment, and our greatest healing for humanity.
Being the youngest and the only female sibling, I recall feeling that if I wanted to play with my brothers and their friends and be accepted then I had to harden up and be tough to be accepted into their sacred inner circle.
“I know from conversations that some parents and mothers fear that their sons will be hurt or excluded if they do not conform to what a man is supposed to be, so they make sure they encourage them to learn to not show their feelings and tell them to toughen up in the hope that this will enable them to get through life with less suffering and pain.” In my experience, this doesn’t just happen to boys. I have seen girls get the same treatment from both their parents.
In a world where women are competing with each other so much more to be a man in a man’s world, we have kids of both sexes being groomed to harden up. I am seeing parents who try to toughen up their daughters so they will be able to sustain the hard knocks that come to them in life. So girls are also learning to harden up and ‘drink a bag of cement’and then we have issues with lumps in our breasts, possibly leading to cancer and hardened ovaries leading to further complications. We would do well to teach ourselves and our children to come back to falling in love with our vulnerability and tenderness and sensitivity for both genders.
It is alarming how, younger and younger, we are ‘toughening’ our children up to cope with the world. Surely our efforts would be better placed looking at the fact that our world is tough, mean, disharmonious, abusive and full of conflict and getting down to sorting this out.
I had a fascinating conversation with a friend about how young men that are respectful of women, tender and sweet and openly caring often get questioned as being gay – because how can they respect women and be so sweet, whilst also be attracted to women? It is like we are making being gay a way of excusing this kind of behaviour rather than accepting that men can be equally sensitive and open and gentle, and still be a man and strong and caring.
If we are any to offer this level of support to a child we must first be willing to offer it to ourselves. When adults honour their own sensitivity they truly support children.
Great point, and are we willing to go there and be sensitive. As adults we have often over time have, layered ourselves with a protective shield that gets us through life, but it does not serve us or anyone else. We then have children and they come to us so sensitive and transparent and we freak out consciously or subconsciously, and so choose old patterns and ideas to function and parent. The more I have allowed myself to feel, be honest and responsible for my chooses the more my children have felt the difference. I am their role model and what they experience in daily life is a woman learning to as transparent and sensitive as she can be to what life offers and what her own children reflect. The way often we parent is to go into, survival, defence, a reactionary way of parenting that creates children who are guarded and prone to be separatist in their outlook, thinking about themselves only first, this harms us all.
Just reading the criticisms of men listed I can feel the hurt of this stereotype being projected on men and that I do not feel I am any of these things but the opposite. Peeling back these expectations of men and allowing true expression as we grow up and in adult life is super supportive of men returning to the expression of all of their natural qualities in full.
The choice to do this is a huge reflection for men as there is the potential to see and feel others living another way.
And the world is a richer place for every man who chooses and is supported to express their tenderness, wisdom and delicacy.
Reading this made me wonder why we put so much effort into inequality?
Are we afraid to see and feel we are all equal… and therefore we have bought into a complete lie?
It is interesting what you say here Susan. As it reminds me to be one of the three sons in our family, so no girls, therefore I do not know the difference my parents would have been with a daughter. What I do remember though is that my mother sometimes was complaining she would have liked one of us to be a girl, probably because from her own upbringing she had the idea she could be different with raising girls than in raising boys.
As parent there is so much to undo of the imposed ideals and beliefs on how you should parent a boy. Imagine if we all would be able to just be love with our children as demonstrated in this blog, to be love with them and without any judgment or investment in any outcome, how then would our boys look like when they grow into adulthood? What I can see is that this for instance would bring an end to the wars we now have in the world as none of these men would be able to become a soldier in how we know soldiers to be.
Boys and men ar super sensitive and tender. It is interesting how the world does everything it can to crush these beautiful land powerful qualities.
To empower our children to live fulfilled, confident, purposeful lives we need to allow them to know themselves truly from the inside, from their essence and to honour their sensitivities and delicate nature. From there we need to give them tools to support them to deal with the realities of life and false expectation or pictures that we can get hooked into.
“But hang on one moment, haven’t we as parents just endorsed all of these habits from a very young age in our boys?” Yes, so so true , we are the ones who keep perpetuating the lie, it’s an old lie that has been told for a long long time over and over again, generation after generation.
Inspiring these beautiful young men to be all that they are starts at home with ourselves allowing our divinity and delicateness to be known.
What you are offering the world is a golden opportunity to begin anew – so that we can let go of all these long held beliefs that have held back the whole of humanity. If I had read your blog forty or so years ago I would have felt so supported to follow my heart and not compromise. Now as a grandmother it’s such a joy to be able to confirm my grandsons who do not reject their sensitivity and beauty.
This picture says it all. Absolute serenity and sensitivity shining brightly through to us all . An amazingly beautiful sharing and so honouring to read and feel .
When I see my son naturally expressing who he is I find it very humbling and inspiring as he teaches me every day how to claim back my own natural expression as a man.
The absolute beauty in mutual support between father and son.
Yes society’s cultural ‘norms’ are horrible and so far from who we are, but if we are honest we will admit that it was us who did a deal to swap our innocence, naturalness and joy, for acceptance, recognition and attention. Whichever way you look at it, it certainly is not worth it.
Fiona so true, there is a mis-conception that making boys tougher when they are younger that they become stronger when they are older, in fact alot of boys who go through this are the ones that are very weak when they are older as they are not connected to their true essence, they have lost all sense of feeling and connection with themselves.
Thank you for sharing this is a great blog and everyone should read it. So many people get caught up in toughen up their boys without realizing the damage it will cause for the boy as he grows up.
Being ok to feel vulnerable is so important for us guys as we can so quickly look for mechanisms of protection to prevent this when we anticipate feeling hurt. Amazing that boys can grow up supported to live like this as adults and offer a loving and consistent reflection of being a man to the world.
This is something that cannot be denied, and stands as an inarguable truth in relation to how equally sensitive boys are – “If my son falls, he has the same physiological responses as my daughter does: his skin tears, there may be blood, bruises, tears and shock.”
A key for me as a woman…mother has been to not try and protect and put up shield against life, when things get tough or feel challenged, it has been about letting that tenderness and vulnerability be there, this is what children want to feel, a parent open, gentle, sensitive, not hard and pushy and not connected. A young child and baby is all about connection and vulnerability and it asks you as a parent of how willing are you to go there and be with those sensations again after closing them down in adult life…If we get scared, think it is pointless, decide it is not the way to survive in life then we start to try and close it down in our children, because we do not want to feel it ourselves. Are we willing to be real, honest and open with our children and respond to the love and beautifulness that they share without trying to hinder, control or dictate how it is expressed? This takes self development and self healing, we only offer what we live to our children so what is the quality we live?
Absolutely agree, it is not about teaching or talking to our children about how to live but showing by example and inspiration by living to the best of our ability our own natural way which includes tenderness and vulnerability and self-care.
I am a parent, a female parent. I have a son and a daughter. I am married and my husband and I share many of the parental responsibilities equally. Sharing the parental responsibility these days is rare, so beautiful to know you and your partner have responsibly chosen to support each other in this way. This not only helps each other, but naturally ripples out to the kids and reflects a true role model for them that supports them to find their way through life from a place of knowing their truth and moving forward trusting in that.
Our only job as parents and carers of young boys is to make sure we do not crush their delicate nature by imposing upon them the many burdens of beliefs and ideals we have taken on in our lives.
So true Liane it is important to not crush their delicate nature. Boys are so delicate and any crushing would shut them down and this at later time in their life will blow as behaviour issues due to burying their feelings.
This photograph touches me every time I see it. The quality of what shines from those eyes makes it impossible for me not to appreciate the tenderness and treasure in every man.
This parenting and embracing of our children equally and of their essences is going to be the turning of the tides. A current that has been on a path of destruction and it is necessary for this change to take place for a generation that is going to be showing and leading the ones to come back to our truth.
Absolutely its time to turn the tides with true parenting, allowing children to stay connected to their essences.
I remember on numerous occasions with someone very close to me when another made a comment about something they did wrong or badly according to this person. I always supported them through understanding about why this may have been said to them and confirmed for them their true worth, and what was the most important thing to take away from the experience.
Yes this is simple and true at any age.
The tenderness of a boy expressed through a mans body is heart melting to say the least.
Yesterday I was at the local school assisting with 6-year-olds, and one of the little boys fell in the playground and bruised his face quite badly. During the afternoon, he kept asking the teachers if his mum was coming for him and at one point was asked ‘Why should your mum come for you’ and he explained about his swollen face and was told: ‘You’re a big boy, you don’t need your mum’. When I was helping him with his words now and again, he would say ‘I want my mum’. It was obvious that he was feeling very vulnerable and needed the closeness of his mother but this is how we teach them to override their feelings.
‘Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees?’ – yes, in the same way a 15 year old male knows when he has done something ‘wrong’, in the same way a young woman does. Yet, I’ve witnessed a school dropping the punishment for a girl, as she started to cry, whilst enforcing the punishment for the boy, for the same ‘misdemeanor’. Just because someone doesn’t cry doesn’t mean they don’t feel the same hurt from what they have been a part of. This inequality in the way we treat boys and girls is exactly what prompts us to think that life isn’t ‘equitable’, rather, it’s about survival and getting ahead, rather than trusting we will be met for who we are, equally as the next person.
I saw so clearly that our young boys get shut down quite early in life by the way society expects a boy to be. It feels like it happens later for girls, more in their teenage years that the shut down happens. Although I did hear a story about a 6 year old that wanted plastic surgery so I think the shut down is happening earlier with modern technology.
As with everything in life, there is an innate balance, a flow where everything works in harmony. In order for us to live together, in harmony, it’s important for us to allow ourselves to be who we are, without any trying to be something different. The moment we resist being the love that we all innately are, everything starts to spin out of balance and we end up in the mess we find ourselves in today where there are unspeakable atrocities being committed every minute of every day somewhere in the world.
‘Why are we still so caught up in roles, pictures of the way we need to act in our genders and in how we parent boys differently to girls?’ – these pictures can only exist if we let them and to do this, we are avoiding connecting with the essence of who we are. In connection with our inner heart we meet people in the truth of who they are, which then allows them the space to be who they truly are. By accepting and appreciating the truth of who we are first, we offer our children the opportunity to do the same, to just be the awesome bundles of joy that they already are as they mature into adulthood.
There is so much letting go of pictures and ideals here – of what we need to do to bring our boys up as men – and this letting go leaves us freer in our relationships and living a life that is super sweet and simple.
Equality has the word quality in it for good reason. For it’s the way that we are with each other that counts not the outcomes, rules or dictates. We all deserve the same grace to express who we are.
if we want men to be tender and sensitive then it follows that we need to allow boys to express all they innately are unencumbered, unfettered and unexcused.
Even when our young boys are men, it’s never too late to support them. Because men have been made to feel they need to fit a certain ‘model’, which is, in truth, so far away from their true essence. It feels very important to build trust, to enable them to feel safe enough to let their guard down and allow their sweet gentleness and sensitivity to be felt by those around them.
Well said Alison -it feels amazingly supportive as a man just to read and feel such an intention.
Beautiful shared Alison, it is never too late to support our boys or men.
‘We, as mothers and role models, have a significant responsibility in how we support boys to become the true men that they are naturally born to be and are.’ – and this includes calling out the harmful perpetuation of these false ideals and beliefs on what it is to ‘be a man’, which often come from men.
If we simply committed to being our true selves in everything that we did, then this in itself would take care of all of our so called ‘roles’ in life. We actually only ever end up ‘playing roles’ because we are not being ourselves.
Great point, it is not about the roles at all, it is how we are with ourselves first and then the ‘role’ model will inspire naturally with no try or fitting into ideas of what that will be.
Absolutely it is not about trying to fit into a role, it is just about being our true self, and it is through this we inspire others, hence we become role models for others.
I really appreciate what you offer here. It is a moment to stop and reflect if we have bought into raising our boys in the mould of what we believe a boy to need to be or if we have given them the space to express as themselves. This lays a foundation for how they will express as adults. If we build within them, a relationship with truth, honesty, integrity and love then they have that as their benchmark for how to make decisions they are happy to live with.
When a boy holds on to his tenderness and delicacy the world will be exposed for the hard and tough place it has become.
This is such a damaging sentence “Boys will be boys” we constantly hear this, and it relegates boys and men to this place where there is nothing to do but think “ahh well, what can we do?” It means nothing and yet is confining at the same time. We need to be very aware of what we say and how we say things to our children, the energy of that line alone has been used again and again to dominate men as they have grown up and stop them from being responsible and engaged in a truly nurturing and responsive life.
Absolutely – just repeating the things we say without consideration of the effect it has and the reason that such sayings are in circulation will only lead to a repetition of the harmful patterns we find ourselves in. No less than the pattern of male suicide being the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK and that in 2015 75% of suicides in the UK were men.
These are serious statistics and as far as I can see as a community / society we do not take it seriously… there is something to really ponder there about what is happening wit in the lives of young men in the UK alone?
I agree Michael, we are really not taking seriously what is happening with our boys and men in the world, when sentences such as the above is circulated constantly and men suicides increasing, there is so much for us all to start to ponder on, what is going on…. why are we in such a state….
Absolutely, I observe this in my own children and for sure within myself. I have tried to protect and put up armour, to hurts, but this is not being strong or powerful this is being in defence. Being powerful and strong comes form being at ease and aware of your self and not feeling the need to put up a shield to cope with life.
There is a strongly held belief that when we show our emotions this is a sign of weakness, especially for boys. But I agree with you, Fiona that is far from the truth. Holding back expression can lead to suppression and denial which can later lead to angry outbursts. By expressing what is felt in the immediacy of the moment gives a greater opportunity to understand self and others. It also develops an ability to communicate and express in other areas of life too… this leads to building an inner strength and from there building stronger relationships.
‘…it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true…’ It sometimes feels that equality has become about a fight in society and changing gender roles without a true understanding of what it actually involves. This writing reveals beautifully the true nature of equality and nurturing this in children.
This sums it up so beautifully – Thank you! – “We are here to offer support and raise our children. We are guardians in their lives; our purpose is not to control, own or pander, it is to support them to make choices that offer the freedom to express, be responsible and empower themselves so that they live meaningful lives of purpose and value within their own sphere and within society.”
I really love the photo that accompanies this article as it’s so apt. The boy has such a presence that holds the viewer with great understanding and wisdom. It’s a photo that inspires me to be more present in life and know the power that can come through us just through being ourselves.
It is really interesting, in my life I have experienced both sides of the coin from women – on the one hand we can complain about men not expressing their feelings, about being insensitive or dominating and overly masculine. But I have equally heard women complain that men in their life are overly sensitive, or they find it uncomfortable when they cry and show emotion, or feel their partner is being to soppy or romantic – either way, a man can’t seem to win! Is it possible that while we can recognise that often, a man is very tough and hard and there is something about that which is forced, we are also not comfortable when they are totally open, loving and deeply sensitive because it brings up in us all our lack of worth issues and asks us to accept being deeply treasured and adored?
Absolutely, we look outside at the pictures and ideas of what we want and need from men and do not develop a loving relationship with ourselves first that informs the quality of our choices and relationships.
We so often only think about what is the easiest, quickest, less confrontational way to get our children out of the door for school, in the house for dinner, how to get them to clean their rooms, often we cajole, use enticements, force….we do not consider the impact of these short cuts to get activity done, rather than looking at it from the perspective of, what does this way of being with my child lay down for their future and how they approach responsibility. If we do not connect with them first, how can we build a relationship with them where they are free to be who they are. Every choice matters in all of life and all parenting. When we know this, what we see as mistakes and failings can be reimprinted, when we choose different, our children and everyone else responds.
That which is on offer from you and your partner to your son is clear to feel and as a man this feels so important as it can be difficult at times to be sensitive and tender in a society as we have created this, but the loving foundation of support which is at home and in our immediate family as we grow up can make the difference between choices to remain in the ways of our true nature and not to harden up as in the perpetuated expectation of society as it stands.
As mothers we have a great responsibility to nurture our boys to grow up as sensitive, feeling, expressive men who any woman would adore to be in relationship with, but through the ages we have let them down through choosing to play safe and join those who promote the tough hardness which has become the accepted norm. We are all responsible for this, men and women, but it is the women who can bring about a change with their qualities of gentleness and delicacy, especially when they are parenting.
I love meeting men who are sensitive and tender they make me melt.
Love it Carmel – and I could not agree more! Funny though how as young women, often there is a seeking of the man that is rough and tough and rugged – at least this is what I see often in society. It is like this ‘look’ is what many young women go for, rather than focusing on the quality of the man that they will be with. To me this also shows us where we as women are and how much we value ourselves (or lack of value in ourselves) if we are drawn to roughness rather than tenderness…
I know we are all gentle and tender and have the capacity to carry this from day one into our adulthood, but some boys do seem naturally more boisterous than others, who may be far naturally more feminine. Is this purely down to parenting or how many other factors are involved like environment, genes and culture?
We normalise habits in our boys that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways. This is so true, we criticise the very thing we have actually helped to create.
What a gorgeous opportunity we all have as role models to allow everyone to have space, to learn and express and understand the world as they feel it to be and to share true responsibility from the core of what we are to live and express everyday. Thank you – this is awesome.
When we tell girls and boys what is right or wrong concerning how to behave as a girl or a boy we send them messages abut what life means and when we do this their view of life is narrowed. A girl keeps her legs closed, a boy does not cry, a girl does not speak loudly, a boy needs to be tough…there are so many of these manipulative and twisted interpretations of what it means to be male and female. Males and Females are glorious complements, divinely the same and yet different, it is just that many of us are so distracted by the false stories of girl and boy that we have forgotten that we are here to support, inspire and nurture one another. This is what I share with my children, that we are here to complement each other and live together more harmoniously than is often depicted in life. It does not make sense for there to be so many issues between men and woman when you observe a brother and sister live, grow, play and learn together with a level of love, tenderness and joy which is glorious to be part of…you know where the truth is in terms of where we need to be heading.
It’s true gender equality when we and our children understand and accept that both genders are equally significant, have their own expression, and are in essence, of the same origin.
If we treat boys as aggressive ruffians and troublemakers, what are they likely to become? We need to support young men to be themselves as well as value and share what they are feeling.
Allowing the space for people to communicate fully is essential in any relationship, including that of parent and child.
I love this clarity around our role as parents… not to control, impose or mould to suit our picture, but to nurture, allow space for growth, choice and learning and to honour the innate qualities of every child. Thank you.
Absolutely and allow another to ‘be’…because we are not here to tell them what that will be. As a parent we can have a feeling, a knowing etc about what they may blossom into as adults, but when we begin to observe them we can see that they have everything already there and there is nothing to make happen, but instead to offer that space for them to embrace their authority of who they are. Everything we live in life needs to embodied by ourselves, this I am learning in my own life, nothing can be told, or instructed in truth, because although children and adults may follow the instructions, no one lives something unless they embody it and know it within themselves. Every step learnt, observed and claimed for one’s self. I know I still influence and instruct at points of my life, but I know that this is empty in inspiration. Inspiration comes from walking with a role model who offers space and grace to be who we are in essence.
As parents we cannot sit passively by and simply allow societal normal to raise our children and teach them the values they should have in life. We need to actively talk with them and encourage them to connect to their own true values, help them to develop responsibility in life and respect for others and an understanding of how to express themselves
“Yes, they have different qualities because of their gender and who they are in essence, but at no point have we treated them as less or more because one is a girl and the other is a boy” – allow and support a child to express their essence, is to allow them to live their life freely, and to love truly.
This choice to be aware of how I am with myself first and then parent has been huge for the quality I offer to others. “As a parent I take this into consideration in everyday parenting – how am I within myself.” Being more accountable for how I behave, the emotions or issues that come up and working on healing them and bringing focus of care to responsibility has boundless potential for our relationships. And our children get to observe a role model who is willing to learn.
What a great role model for children to observe and learn from. Live it ourselves first, then share, whether we have children of our own or not we can still be a role model through doing this for every child to feel.
I have heard it once said that if we allow a man to be who they naturally are we see a beauty-full and divine expression of God. When we do not allow them to be that we get everything but that.
Relieve men/boys from any picture and need to be something for someone else and they will be who they are naturally.
It was very inspiring to feel how unwavering your support is for your son to grow up as the man he actually is. I have often noticed how we women complain about as our partners, but we foster the qualities we don’t like in men through our sons. This an unending loop of men growing up to not be connected to their feelings, distracted by hobbies etc which needs to be broken with the way mothers parent their sons.
I agree Gill, it is important to have a tender loving relationship with ourselves first.
There truly is a difference is there not, between being a person and being a gender. And so, does it all ultimately come down to questions of identity, expression and commitment? That is, from which identity or source of knowing who we are, do we move our bodies in and with?
Our pictures, our ideals and beliefs of how we expect life and people to be, can be so very harming – for all of us.
A great call… that we criticise men for not being open to feelings and yet we encourage them to toughen up from very young!
I have been exploring why I have wanted men to be tough in the past, it was like I had gotten used to being tough and protected in life and that I thought I needed to be that way to survive and if I felt tenderness in a man, it was scary and called my gentle inner heart to respond and so put a crack in that sheet of protection I had built up – it asked me to surrender to that tenderness and I freaked out. Being understanding as to why we do this ‘push me, pull you thing’ with men is gold. From that we can choose another way, but this can only come if we make the choice to offer ourselves love and care and empower our true knowing of who we are as women first.
“In choosing to not feel, we disconnect from who we truly are, and then there is nothing but sorrow, disconnection and a functioning way of being, rather than a truly fulfilling life.” Could it be that this disconnection from who we truly are is causing our hight illness and disease rates??? I would say yes as if we do not allow ourselves to live in full how can our body work in its full capacity???
The offering you share here is huge and would change the world. It is so honouring of who we are and our true expression and purpose. Honouring our boys our role as mothers and how we are with ourselves all counts and is invaluable in bringing a roundness and fullness of appreciation and purpose.
Something I have noticed which is very interesting in life, is how much women cannot know how to handle the true sweetness and beauty of a man expressing himself. I know I have been made slightly uncomfortable by a guy just being super sweet, simply because it is such a loving and beholding expression that it makes me feel any lack of worth or love I have for myself. This expression needs to be treasured and supported so we can all grow from it
Your son is very fortunate that he has parents that are for his evolution of himself and not against it and so will support him to hold and honour himself from the most beautiful foundation of love.
Women can’t change the way they bring up their kids without first changing who they believe themselves to be.
Our roles as mothers are defined by how we see ourselves as women.
You only have to look at the picture of the young boy to understand the disservice we do to our menfolk when we expect them to change into something unrecognisable and to be so far removed from their natural expression.
We are all responsible for parenting the boys to the men they will become, from the home, to school, wider society and TV. With reinforcement of ‘being tough’ value from every angle it can be an extra challenge for mothers and fathers to support boys to remain sensitive. Imagine if we reversed the trend and instead of ‘being tough’ reinforced from every angle, remaining ‘tender’ was the message… what type of society would we then produce?
I am aware from writing this blog, reading these comments and responding that this is huge, but it has to start with every one of us, whether we are parents, friends, relatives, adults in the community etc. We can not assume that when we cut corners and not take responsibility for our actions and choices that someone else will pick up the slack, it does not happen, our children are born ready for Love and Truth, but often what they find is compromise and fear.
Be the role model that in truth supports our children in our communities to flourish and this starts by reconnecting and taking steps to build a healthy and healing relationship with ourselves first, as women and men.
Thank you or the suggestion, I will certainly consider this for the future. I do remember being pregnant myself and once the baby was born (both times) feeling even from birth the pictures of who they should be, and who I should be as a mother were very strong, it is something that imposes a lot of pressure on society to conform to these stereotypes.
Absolutely whether we are biological parents or not, we role model and we can choose the quality of ‘parenting’ to support others, which is a holding, responsible and understanding way of being. This requires that we live it, because you can not deliver it just because you think it or have it to say, a way being is based on a consistent way of living with true care and integrity. This is not about perfection, it is just about not turning the cheek and not making your own issues and opinions your priority; it is about the bigger picture, the ‘ripples’ as you say. It is not an ideal to know that we all are potentially capable of so much more Love, Integrity, Care and Unity, in everyone one of us, we know what this feels like and we respond to it.
‘He is a boy, but as a parent it is not up to me to tell him what it means to be a certain ‘type’ of male, nor the man he should be in this life. That is for him to discover, express and choose.’ Imagine if we were held so lovingly that we knew we could explore who we are and get to feel our essence and express from here? No matter how our life has been up until now, we always have this to return to. How beautiful to feel this possibility in your writing.
You’ve raised a great point in that boys and girls both hurt the same when they scrape their knees or injure themselves, yet boys are encouraged to play rugby and aggressive sports, take pain face on and not be a ‘wimp’. This is a huge bastardisation of gender equality and something we should be addressing, not just looking at the pay gap or treatment of only women.
I know that thought to, to toughen up our children to protect them for the harsh way the world sometimes is. But with that attitude we forget that by toughening our children up we actually do not respect and appreciate the qualities they bring to the world only because we think these qualities are weak.
But if we stop with this behaviour and start to cherish the delicate and tender qualities our children are born with, these children will change the world as the quality they then can bring are so much more powerful than we think the harsh world is.
Gill I love the synopsis that you share as it does indeed confirm that children are everything and already have everything, key thing is our role to nurture and support them to be all they are.
We have this perception that boys need to be toughened up to be the men out there in the world, protect and provide for the family – couldn’t they still do that with their tenderness and sensitivity intact?
We are responsible to live by example of how we are to be in this world. Our movements speak far greater than any words we chose to voice.
In our attempts to protect our children from the reality of the world, we in fact only perpetuate that which we fear will crush and hurt them. Imagine a whole generation of children raised not to toughen up, but to be open and loving and express themselves, to honour their own ability to feel. Would that not smash all the constructs we have kept alive out of fear of challenging them?
Indeed there is a fear, but this is not real and only from our own creation in order to keep everything as it is and to not challenge the comfortable lives we can live as return from this behaviour.
I too have both a son and a daughter, and have always treated them equally. Yes they both have had their different needs at various times in their lives because of their gender differences, but the quality of love, care and tendreness from me has always been and always will be the same for both of them.
Isn’t it time that we began to honour and respect our innate qualities of tenderness, sensitivity and sweetness? Far from being weak, when claimed there is a quality of presence that brings an openness and joy inviting others to be the same. Just look at how the toughest of adults softens around new born babies… babies reflect back to us our own true nature.
“Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees?” Yes, how can we possibly imagine that the pain is any less for a 3 year old boy when they have the same delicate skin and bones?
What you are sharing about the way we raise our children and especially our boys – they are no less worth loving and cherishing for who they truly are
This is such a super important blog. If everyone had an understanding like this and put it into action it would totally change the world. If every man had been cherished for who he naturally is I can’t imagine that we would be seeing the same level of abuse, corruption or war on the scale it is today. This is a total game changer, and has the power to instigate a great deal of change.
I love this picture as it captures the beauty, purity and deep tenderness within us all.
And what if instead of trying to mould our little boys and little girls into what we think are the ideals, beliefs and expectations of society, we supported them to build their ability to maintain an expression of this “beauty, purity and deep tenderness within us all” in every aspect of their life.
You raise a significant point that “We are all born with a precious tool for life, our bodies.” And when we harden up we lose this connection and are not able to access some of the awareness and wisdom we would otherwise. Instead of pushing expectations and stereotypes at them, how much more loving to cherish our children in their natural expression and support them to find their way through life maintaining their connection.
I have observed several young boys around the age of 4 when they start kindy suddenly stop crying when they hurt themselves… and even when parents continue to encourage that its ok to cry and to show feelings, when it comes from peers and or society around them, those responses seem to hold fast. And it does affect them over the years and into adulthood… bottling up their feelings until they cannot contain them inside anymore, and they all come pouring out.
The way men identify themselves today is certainly influenced by how we have brought them up. And it is not about telling them how to be but living in a way where we reflect to them that there is power in being who we truly are without all the roles and ideals and pictures in the way.
What a fantastic idea…we should indeed raise our boys in the a way we want our men to end up like, it is a great way to look at parenting. There is no point in complaining about our husbands not getting us flowers or prospective partners not being romantic while we are not nurturing and fostering our boys to be more sensitive.
The fullness of every child is very beautiful to feel and allowing this freedom and the responsibility we hold as parents with this is deeply nurturing to all concerned and life changing for the world.
What a beautiful sharing of true parenting and the responsibility and support we can offer our children espcially here our boys to be who they are naturally with out any impositions beliefs and control. Pure magic to read and feel the freedom and expression of being allowed to be simply who we are by our own reflection.
It is so so simple to parent knowing that your child is already everything they need to be and all you have to do is not get in the way.
Andrew this way of parenting that every one is sharing, the way of knowing that children already are everything is not only a complete change to how society has parented in the past but one that is simple and without a doubt supports the next generation to have everything that they need – i.e. to stay in connection with who they are.
We cannot say that the societal norms we push on our children based on their gender has worked for us – they have not delivered a society without suffering and abuse and there is so much gender based hate, discrimination, violence and abuse that is built upon even the smallest picture, ideal or belief we indoctrinate ourselves into
This article is one that should be read by all, whether they have children or not and whether their children are boys and/or girls. As I read about your son I felt blessed because I am married to a man that knows, lives and shares his fragility, tenderness, sweetness, beauty, love, preciousness, strength, solidness, power and sacredness with us all. A rare but very precious find these days. In the future I hope that there will be more boys being raised to men who show the world who they truly are.
The innocence of the boy in the picture associated with this blog is so beautiful and instantly invites me to be more precious with myself.
I see this too Elizabeth.
True, his emanation is actually genderless in this picture- just pure openness and delicateness. Beautiful and powerful to feel !
A lovely sharing that shows us how we in turn lovingly support ourselves and our bodies directly affects others. We are the role models for our children and how we care, express and love reflects a great deal to our loved ones showing them the power of responsibility and truth. Thank you.
The photo that accompanies this article shows the face of a young boy that is meltingly tender and how amazing it will be for him to grow up with that tenderness still intact. We tend to think toughening up is how boys need to be parented but how we can truly support them to be themselves in full is what will give them the strength to express their natural sensitivity with confidence throughout their lives.
This is a before photo that is worthy of tracking over time, to confirm the innate qualities of the young man develop and evolve with him as he grows.
Worthy of doing will all children and the moment a shift is felt that they are not shining from their essence then offer support at this moment and not wait for an incident when they scream out that life has lost it’s joy.
We are custodians of our children, and though we may have given birth to them, it does not make us owners of our children. As custodians we hold great responsibility and the greatest gift we can give all children is to live as much love as we possibly can, as no matter what we do, we will be role models to them – so how important is it that we are True role models supporting them in embracing who they are and how to bring this into the world rather than learning to conform to roles or gender impositions etc. Being a parent is a huge responsibility, but at the same time it is no different to the responsibility we hold towards ourselves in loving ourselves up deeply at all times.
Thank you for a beautiful sharing about parenting and boys being equal to girls…There is much here for us all to explore and unfold as we learn and understand all the facets of life, in particular how we can be governed to raise our children based on the unspoken rules in society as opposed to allowing them to grow up nurturing their connection to their natural essence first and foremost.
We resort to behaviour when we sense we are being hurt and if the hurt is being exposed, there is something in us which doesn’t want our vulnerability to be exposed. But then in full vulnerability we are actually equipped to handle whatever is in front of it.
How beautiful is it to read that your son is growing into a extremely loving, strong, steady and expressive young man who is not imprisoned by what society says he should be. I have a family member who is also extremely loving strong and tender and I adore that he is able to show the world his tenderness, I love being around him because his love just oozes from him and he is so adorable.
“My young son is growing into an extremely loving, strong, steady and expressive young man who is not imprisoned by what society says he should be. He is very free to express who he is through what he feels is true within him.” This is so delightful to read. True freedom.
“We normalise habits in our boys as children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.”
I can see that through our need to be valued and loved, we mother our children.
Through this need we accept irresponsible behaviour which not only does little to support a child’s independence out in the world but equally ends up being our bug bear when we observe how this plays out in their latter years.
It really brings responsibility to our doorstep doesn’t it. We are raising the next generation and as such there are life skills we need to teach them which empower them to trust the divine beings they are – where they know how to commit, to support another, to be responsible, to love, to be themselves! I would say our role is to ensure they know that they know their relationship with their body is a marker of truth and will never let them down and that is the first relationship they should nurture and deepen so it remains a solid foundation as they grow more independent of you.
What joy we bring the world when we raise our boys to honour and appreciate all they feel.
A powerful expose of parenting and an equally powerful tool to support others in how to parent in a way that is true. Brilliant stuff.
It is deeply wise to allow for true expression – both in living this ourselves and supporting this in others.
Young boys need to know that it is okay to be their naturally tender and caring selves from their parents and supported to be this out there in the world, as heaven knows, the world is in dire need of it.
The stereotypes that all of us are familiar with, whichever gender are suffocating. We have all seen men hardened by experience, this is not a forgone conclusion. There is definitely another way and it starts with us parents.
How we want our men to be, is how we are to raise our boys. Thank you for raising your young boy to be the man that the world really wants to have.
I so love this photo. The tenderness, the depth of presence in the eyes, the lack of trying, the stillness and the certainty – all of it is so very gorgeous to witness. Wouldn’t be great if we related to one another only in ways that ensures none of this ever gets masked by anything else.
I agree Golnaz, the steady presence, stillness, tenderness, openness and self-assurance is all there to see in this photo. It’s beautiful. All this is allowed to be through the honouring of the tender boy he is… nothing imposed, or forced about having to toughen up and look a certain way that society expects as normal.
If the tender boy is to be nurtured and encouraged to be all that he is, domestic violence could not exist.
“It is not about the sort of equality where we push boys to be passive or get girls to compete with boys, it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true ” that is exactly how things should be, imagine if everyone was free to grow up expressing in the natural way that is true for them, tenderness, delicateness would shine through. Today we say people have the right to express what they feel, but by that stage, its very often too late as what they express is not truly them any longer but the result of not expressing all they are.
In essence we all equal despite our gender. We are all equally precious, lovable and tender beyond our wildest imaginings.
Your accurate list of what men are packaged to be is quite exposing. I can claim 90% of them. But, old dogs can learn new tricks, that are easier when they are just things we have forgotten and is part of who we all are, naturally.
Yes, I totally agree, it is interesting to see the lack of responsibility within ourselves as women when we demand the men in our lives to be a certain way yet raise our boys to be like them! How can we share the responsibilities and contribute equally within the home when we as women (and I am guilty of this) take on and invest in what we want because of our issues and insecurities?
I just have to look at the picture of the young boy to know how lovingly he is being brought up and that the more he is honoured for being this way the more likely he is to be able to sustain the gorgeous tender sensitive nature he has growing up and going through all the rigmarole of school and life. We all then get to enjoy the fullness of him and not the grumpy, agitated, depressed teens and twenty somethings not to mention the older generations all living life based on hurts rather than the love they all are and once were just are not choosing it.
This completely makes sense; it is not up to me to tell him what it means to be a certain ‘type’ of male, nor the man he should be in this life. That is for him to discover, express and choose.’ I can feel reading this how crushing and controlling it is for parents and schools to try and make boys fit into certain stereotypes, such as being ‘tough’ and ‘rough’ and encouraging them to get into so called ‘boys’ things such as football and super heroes, rather than allowing boys to choose what they would like to play with, express what they are feeling and follow their natural way of being in life without pressures and expectations of them being a certain way.
Boys are just the same as girls and all should be treated equally I totally agree. Thank you for starting the conversation and may it lead to actual change.
We all equally feel pain, physically and emotionally, why then should we not treat everyone with the same loving care regardless of gender. When we do, we are blessed with boys that bring a gorgeous, steady and strong quality to the world, one that is undeniably present in the young boy featured in the photo who will, one can feel, grow into a wise young man.
It’s a joy to feel the quality of your parenting and something, though I do not have children, I am inspired by when I meet people- whether adults or parents and children. You are all showing the world love is possible, honouring of one’s essence is possible in a world many are quick to say it isn’t. How you are is having ripple effects beyond what’s immediately seen and appreciated. Your commitment is so true, just by knowing how you all live is inspiring. Thank you.
It is interesting how we still seem to prepare boys to go to war, as if that could be a necessary action for all or most boys to take.
“encouraging the expression of his natural sensitivity, care and gentleness will enable him to find his way with these super powerful qualities intact and this can only support him and others” – Absolutely gorgeous. A totally different way of raising young boys that would, as you say, not only support them to be themselves in the world but also change the way society is orientated.
Great point Ariana. Why would we treat each gender differently at all when we are all of the same essence and this is primarily where we need to be expressing from and returning to.
Messy, and do not clean up after themselves , Irresponsible around the home, Rough and careless Insensitive,
Can’t talk about their feelings , Not gentle. Do not understand their female partner,
Competitive and trying to get the upper hand ,Distant and distracted by hobbies ,Aggressive and dominating.
But hang on one moment, haven’t we as parents just endorsed all of these habits from a very young age in our boys?
This is so true, most mothers complain about men when raising the boy to be the same.
True Jane, the quality we reflect to our children will be also the quality that others feel and observe.
Loving this, Rosanna: ‘…the quality we reflect to our children will also be the quality that others feel and observe.’ Really exposes the belief that a man’s home is his castle and that what happens behind closed doors stays behind closed doors. The quality of energy we are in in any given moment can be felt by all around us whether the so called door is open or closed.
Letting our kids be and become who they are without imposition means to also allow ourselves to let be and set free of the impositions we have taken on. It is a healing process for us who already have been affected and a graceful unfoldment of the next generations to reflect the greater depths and beauty we all naturally belong to.
As parents we place pressure on ourselves to give to our children and very often in judgement of how we were brought up but what if the greatest support we could give to any child would be to discern what is true, what is not true to live nothing but truth from within ourselves? We would then have no investments in our kids, no controlling, no pictures, no imposing etc. I cannot escape the fact that parenting my kids is no doubt parenting the relationship with self.
Your post highlights just how vitally important true love is within the family, raising of kids, and equally the fallout on society when as families love is not present.
If we sell out to the untrue pictures of parenting and override our innate understanding & responses we shut down our connection to what is offered by our boys and cloud it with needs.
What a beautiful photo – how can we possibly expect that little boy to grow up and be hard with himself and those around him. Is it any wonder that men are confused as to what is expected from them. They start out tender and very loving, and they are then moulded into the total opposite. Then when in a relationship the women are asking them to be loving again, without the reflection of what that means. The women then reflect back at them that they are getting it all wrong and are asking for more – is it any wonder relationships are hard to navigate.
Men have been painted into a corner; forever with WET paint signs everywhere, by society. The paint has yellowed with age and is time for us to walk out of the space we have been trapped in making it difficult to express who we are in full. And now, by not putting boys in the corner to start with, there will be unhindered evolution for the tenderness that lies within all of us.
Not placing these restrictions on our children comes from healing anything that gets in the way of living a loving and responsible life myself as a woman. His mother walks with what she has learnt along the way, with a willingness to learn more deeply and with consistency to be understanding of both herself, him and everyone else. So no perfection required, but a willingness not to sit with what does not feel true, loving or honouring of who we are.
\So honouring of your son, supporting and allowing him to be who he innately is. What a role model he is for all the other little boys. The ripple effect of how you are raising your son is immense. It only takes one person like yourself to not go with the status quo to make a difference to many.
This is an important article for all parents to read because yes, we are responsible for our children and the more we can inspire them to make their own decisions based on an understanding of the consequences, the more they will be able to take responsibility for themselves. Parenting is not about controlling but supporting, guiding and inspiring.
Beautiful, equality of gender is any child (the soon to be adult) expressing themselves in equal fullness, as they feel is true.
This is really gorgeous; ‘it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true –no pressure or pictures or roles’, it feels beautiful for children to be free to make choices that are true to them; to wear what they like – whether that be pink or blue; play with what they enjoy and express what they are feeling, I can feel how the expectation that boys will be a certain way is very capping and can stop boys from developing into the amazing young men that they have the potential to be.
Something that stood out for me about what you shared, when I read ‘he is a boy, but as a parent it is not up to me to tell him what it means to be a certain ‘type’ of male, nor the man he should be in this life. That is for him to discover, express and choose’ and also what Rebecca highlighted here ‘it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true –no pressure or pictures or roles’, is that you are not steering your son towards being gentle or sensitive, you are simply just allowing him to steer himself, which is incredible as having pictures of how boys should be is still having pictures, even if those pictures are what we deem to to be ‘true’. And steering is still steering. What you are offering your children is the freedom to find their own expression of who they are but with your divine reflection and that is absolutely priceless.
The photo of the boy at the start of this blog shows the true sensitivity and absolute beauty in boys/men. In seeing and feeling this sensitivity how can we justify asking boys to “toughen up”, go off to war, engage in competitive sport etc. It simply does not make sense.
Perhaps it is ok if they choose to take up these activities but does it make sense to push them into that direction?
Yes, we absolutely need more articles like this in the mainstream arena. It makes no sense to teach boys and girls different ‘tools’ to life. We all need the same respect and appreciation for ourselves no matter our gender. You’ve pointed out super clearly what happens when we are dismissive of our young boys, they grow into men who simply can’t handle life and who they are and then behave in a way that is often rejected.
When we are connected to our essence this supports our children to be in their essence also.
Connecting with myself as a woman, being honest about how I feel, looking after myself more has enabled my parenting to be more healthy and supportive, it makes sense. There is so much to learn and I am always open to learn, but I know for sure that making the choice to care for myself as a woman has supported how I am as a mother. We hinder ourselves and generations to come, by not caring for ourselves and being honest about the habits we go into…it is good to question what we call reality, just because it is assumed by ourselves and by many to be normal behaviour. Throughout history ‘normal’ concerning gender stereotypes has changed, but one thing is for sure, we still have a lot to learn about living in an equal way without this him and her, them and us thing that happens between men and women.
It is not surprising that we have men’s health showing something is not right: escalating prostate cancer, depression and even suicide. “We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.” This is huge.
The depth of appreciation, cherishing and care of boys and men’s true innate qualities which this blog invites is a very welcome and necessary change to our approach.
How beautiful it is that your son is being honoured for the sweet, delicate and sensitive boy he is and is not being conditioned to, ‘toughen up’. Imagine if we gave all our sons this level of care how this would support our male population to be in their natural essence.
Adding to what is already divine seems crazy if we stop to recognise this in the first place.
If we grow up without a role model in our parents and aren’t met for who we are, it can be tricky to navigate our way through in those early years on our own. It’s definitely something that we need support with from a parent who is responsibly caring enough to make loving choices for themselves, this then is a great reflection for us and a great loving way to catch us when we fall.
The contrast of your list of criticisms of what men are not and how you are raising your son is the cure for our creation of what we expected men to grow up and be.
The suggested criticisms outlined often communicated by women (myself included) is a summary of what I have observed and been part of, it supports us greatly to ponder why we criticise anyone, is there something that we are not living in full ourselves, is there a lack or potential yet to be fulfilled, a hurt unresolved. Men and women can arise themselves out of these patterns of behaviour that do not serve through honest appraisal of why we layer the other gender with expectations and do not take more responsibility for ourselves. Breaking these patterns in generations is crucial to see real change occur within our relationships and no matter how small these changes every choice to take more responsibility for ourselves and to be honest, supports the rest of humanity,
It’s lovely to read the qualities of your son, and we know that these qualities are there but for whatever reason, we do not allow our boys to hold onto these precious qualities into adulthood. Which is a huge shame as we all miss out. It is great to know that there are some people who are willing to break the mold on this one.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with parenting a boy and a girl. You are an inspiration for other parents to give it a go to change the common way of parenting in a less suppressing and controlling way. Something I have to admit is very much needed but not often talked about so openly.
I like the point you make about how physiologically boys have the same skin as girls and are hurt in the same way if they fall over, yet how we approach both can be very different based on whatever pictures we hold. I was quite a large girl as a child and was also told to toughen up because I was big and so was not offered this care. What I realise now is that I did not honour myself enough to express how I was feeling and also that we are limited by our choice to care for others by how we are with ourselves.
beautifully said Jane
Your blog is a beautiful description of a child who is truly connected, who has never been asked to be anything other than who he naturally and tenderly is. Thank you for allowing us this affectionate window into parenting when approached as guardians in the lives of our children.
One behaviour I realised recently that I was endorsing was that it is the woman’s job to do everything in the house. It was quite subtle but was there. I would ask my son to help me with the dishes for example instead of it being a given that it was something we would share. My role was the dishes and I would like some help please.
This is so great to read Nikki, as this is such a common occurrence in many families where the roles are often modelled so strongly by parents that often the child’s only experience is what is accepted as the norm in the home. A great reminder of the responsibilities we all have in our understanding that all homes are run with harmony when every member is asked to bring that equal level of support for all.
Important to be aware of the subtle things in life. I can relate to this, how we get this idea that we are being helped around the home as mothers when in truth it can be everyone supporting the home not supporting the mother, as we are not solely responsible for the home. We load ourselves with ideas of who we are and it serves us well to observe this and challenge what does not feel true.
Nikki, what you share here may, on the surface, seem like a small thing, but it is gigantic in terms of consequence and the subtle messages we constantly give out in terms of playing roles. By making the dishes an equal role there is no support needed… just a responsibility every member has to the whole family and household. Anything less than this enables us to duck out and not commit.
I love this true sense of equality. Equality can be seen to be something that encourages one set to be like the other but really it is just about giving someone equal space to move for themselves.
This significant observation: “If my son falls, he has the same physiological responses as my daughter does: his skin tears, there may be blood, bruises, tears and shock.” This can also be said about the older versions, grown men and women. The fact that most of us act in the only way we imagine is acceptable, pretending to be tough and acting as if we are not affected by what happens in our lives, simply adds to the trauma which is nonetheless registered by our bodies.
So true, as adults we do the same thing, pretend we do not hurt and yet it layers us with tension and hardness in the body to deny what does hurt us, be it a barbed word or falling on our knees. There is so much that is disharmonious that many of us have chosen to try and ignore to act as though we do not care, we so do care.
‘We are all born with a precious tool for life, our bodies’ they guide us every step of the way and communicate loud and clear how things feel. Although there are of course differences between a male and a female body, there are so much more similarities that we can question why we emphasize the differences so much. Maybe because we love to be different and feel individual?
It really shows how far away from Love we have gone when we cannot see that a little boy will hurt the same as a little girl. After all, we are all made up of bones that break and skin that tears and gets bruised, and the only difference is the sex of the child.
This is a beautiful reflection of supportive parenting that recognises the responsibility to live connected to your essence and supporting your children to do the same without control or judgement. What an awesome parenting blueprint for humanity.
You’ve raised an excellent point here about consistency. We cannot complain about what’s ‘wrong with’ society or a gender/culture, and then contribute to this through how we talk, parent, work, eat, treat people, be in relationships or live. Of course it’s impossible to be perfect, and sometimes we do find ourselves giving toy trucks as presents to young boys or overeating even though we can see that the world is hooked on food, but all we can do is take responsibility for our part in it all, work on being consistent and not having pictures about how things have to be, and this in itself can have a big impact.
The innocence and tenderness oozing from the little boy in this photo is so touching. This needs to be honoured and cradled and encouraged rather than demanding that he toughen up for the world. A tragedy indeed that we should think that toughening up is necessary. It explains somewhat the state of the world.
I couldn’t agree more with what you are sharing but interestingly enough I do feel boys are very different to girls and my boys showed signs of this from a very young age. I do however believe that nurturing our boys in a way that supports them to stay in touch with their sensitivity and tenderness is paramount in changing the culture we see in our society today. It is all of our responsibility to support boys to be their true selves and not just versions of our false expectations, not just parents but teachers, neighbours, friends Aunties etc.…let’s start a revolution that means our boys are not pressured and suppressed.
” it is an equality where both genders are free to express themselves as they feel is true – no pressure or pictures or roles, rather allowing them to unfold with an understanding that both genders are equally significant and have their own expression and yet are, in essence, of the same origin.” what a beautiful gift to raise children in this way, its inspiring to read as we raise our daughter.
I saw on the news recently that boys as young as 14 were taking dangerous steroids to improve their body image and how more and more boys/men are becoming obsessed with their body image. Would this still be a factor if we were allowed to express from our tenderness from day one?
‘However this is not common in the world… yet.’ In this sentence alone there is so much strength in what you can say because there is a knowing that the way we are currently raising our children (in the main is not true) and what you are sharing is leading the way in the future of raising children. Such a beautiful article.
I can remember a man saying to my son to toughen up when he felt hurt. I observed and went over to my son as I would my daughter and asked him if he was ok. He felt supported and so didn’t allow what was said to affect him because of the times he felt to toughen up expressing that to toughen up was not for him. Boys know. They are so sensitive and can sense everything that is going on around them. They feel and get hurt like any child. My son senses when I feel hurt and offers his support to me too which I openly allow and let in. We can learn so much from our boys in the world if we are willing to listen and accept what they have to say through the willingness to look and address our hurts and issues within us and accept the divine qualities that they are offering and reflecting back to us.
If we follow through what you share it surely makes it clear that we are here to embrace everyone, as they are, free from judgement. The equality we seek is in the quality of love we are designed to live.
We are living in a time now where nurturing our equality, sensitivity and awareness will become the new norm. Looking at the photo, I can see just how embodied this way already is for this young boy and look forward to watching him grow into a beautiful young man, in touch with all he brings to the world through his sensitivity, care and wisdom.
This is a great point; ‘But hang on one moment, haven’t we as parents just endorsed all of these habits from a very young age in our boys? We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.’ Reading this helps me to understand why men can be insensitive and find it hard to express how they are feeling, it feels really important to nurture and encourage the natural qaulities of men so that we have expressive, loving, sensitive boys and men in our society, which will benefit us all.
To maintain and nurture the sweetness and sheer delicateness of this little boy on the photo is to raise him in his truth… to know his own truth and love…which is the responsibility of us all as adults who may enter his life throughout the years.
Beautiful Blog, thank you for sharing and honouring boys and men so lovingly. We all have grown up with so many differing sterotypes about how we should be (man or women) that we so too easily get caught up in these and lose the sweet, open, sensitive qualities that we were expressing and living as children. Yet it is what we all love about children we just have buried them away as we grow up so to be raised in a way which honours then and actually embracing these qualities is the best blessing we can give to our children as we raise them in the world to themselves.
Thank you for taking your responsibility as a parent in order to make a change in how you raise your son and to not comply with that what is normal in our current society. And this change is huge as it will be the beginning of a new generation where the normal will be that boy’s are equally delicate and tender to girls and the beginning to make the world a better place to live because of living more in equality among the genders at least.
It is an indicator of our madness that we champion a way of bringing up our children that turns them into the stereotypical adults, in gender roles, that we then struggle to connect to; we create this gender barrier and disconnect, that then looks like so much struggle in relationships.
One of the most beautiful and inviting photographs I have ever seen… there is such a super wise look in this boy’s eyes and a question being asked very simply… ‘I see you, do you see me?’
To be in the presence of a young boy or a grown man who is not afraid to express how they feel is extremely touching. These innate tender and loving qualities need to be deeply cherished in our growing boys so that they can grow up knowing that its absolutely ok to be who they are.
“We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.”- This astute comment says it all, really, and is a testament to the level of hypocrisy we have risen to as a society when it comes to what we expect from men and how we reinforce the opposite traits from birth. What interests me is the question of why we would do this in the first place when all it leads to are continuous issues with violence, abuse, depression, and other forms of aggression and self-abuse in men? Could it be that we are avoiding going to another level as a humanity where both men and women would share similar characteristics and be able to openly express both femininity and masculinity while supporting each other to not hold back the natural sensitivity and tenderness that has been there underneath the surface waiting to come out all along?
This is a beautiful example of true parenting, thank you. Our world needs more parents like you who are willing to parent from love.
Yes I agree – allow the boys to be the tender beings they are and then they grow up to be tender and loving men. My son certainly did as I allowed him to be himself. It is as simple as that.
Shining the love and light we are through our natural expression is the way of true livingness. It’s up to us to not accept anything less in All of us.
Just because we end up with men and women and even boys and girls behaving in a certain way that is widespread and common does not mean we have to accept it as normal or natural. For if we stop and actually allow our children to express themselves free from expectations and beliefs that we impose on them, then we get to see our true nature as human beings.
And the tide of stuck-ness in cycles of expected gender performance can be dissolved, leaving us with the simplicity, sweetness and purity of our true qualities and connection.
I love meeting men who are sensitive and not afraid to express, and show their feelings. It is important that boys are shown this way from young so that they don’t loose this as it is natural to them just as it is to a girl. There is no difference as to how much we feel, male or female.
Indeed, there is no difference, we are all the one and the same and because we are becoming more aware of this fact, one day this will be our normal way of living together.
The photo speaks for itself, pure openness and the sense of freedom to just be himself – that is how we all should feel and look like.
I can really relate to what you have shared here. I have two very sensitive sons and have watched and supported them as they navigate life with all the ideals and beliefs about how young men should be. It is hard to be “different” as outwardly they do express differently than their male friends do. However as they hold themselves steady they can also feel the sensitivity of others under the bravado and behaviours often exhibited and this is their gift to others who can feel that it is okay to express their sensitivity too.
Such a beautiful reflection of what it is to raise a boy as who they are and not what we want them to be in the world. Thank you for sharing this rare way of parenting and presenting a reflection for us all.
Thank you for showing us by your way of living what true role modeling is. And our responsibility as parents, when having children or not. A beautiful sharing to reflect upon, so that it is not our skills, but our way of being that in facts causes our parenting to be truly successful or not.
‘It does not make a man weak to be open to feeling what is going on in the world, within his body, in his relationships – it is a strength and benefit for himself and all others.’ I would say the exact same goes for girls. No need to tell them to not complain or other advices that stop them from feeling.
Absolutely, we all miss out when we neglect the relationship we can have with our bodies and being aware of how we feel. So often we attempt to override what is showing itself for us to learn, observe and feel, and generally this comes from the habit of ignoring it, something that we make a habit often as we get older, the mind becomes the lead rather than considering the whole body.
“they encourage them to learn to not show their feelings and tell them to toughen up in the hope that this will enable them to get through life with less suffering and pain.” This is very common and very debilitating. We suffer so much more because we are not taught the life skills to handle what we are feeling and therefore the anxiety is enormous.
Could it be that stern discipline when applied with Love changes everything about our relationships so that the way we parent others and our self is of True service to all involved?
In men we have the exquisite quality of delicateness and in women we have the equally exquisite quality of grace. Nowhere is this more clearly seen than in the eyes of our children – there in equal measure and naturally expressing from our essence deep within. How much of this essence continues to express will depend on how we parent our children and how much we reflect back to them the very same qualities that they reflect to us.
What an awesome reflection your son is to others and this highlights not just parents but all of us hold and have the responsibility in allowing boys, young men and men to be who they innately are. It is time to let go of all the stereotypes and ill beliefs we hold about what boys and young men should ‘be’.
The key you present here without explicitly nominating it is to not need your children, your boy child to be anything for yourself, not needing him to feed any of your unresolved hurts or needs you may have but giving him the space to unfold himself without imposition that would tell him otherwise.
Super blog. Your consistency with your daily parenting, how you are with yourself and as a role model for your children is inspiring. Allowing them to discover for themselves who they are, holding them in the equalness they are so they know they don’t have to try and fit into any moulded beliefs of how they should be. ‘Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees? ‘ and is this not still for us as adults? ..with different life experiences.
I definitely agree with what you have written. I often speak with women who are expecting their partner to meet the ‘macho male’ image on the one hand and be sensitive, caring and considerate on the other, and then blame the man when their expectations aren’t met. Yet there is little connection made to the way they are raising their male children with what the end results become when children grow to adulthood. I would like your blog to be compulsive reading for all ‘about to be’ parents.
Absolutely agree here Helen that we need to start making the connection as a society between how we are raising and educating our kids and the type of adults we end up with in society. The irony here is that many men I have met who are aggressive or abusive or disrespectful towards women are obviously still carrying emotional wounds from their own childhood and issues from the relationship with their own mothers who may have disrespected them by not giving them permission to be themselves. This is not to excuse or absolve this behaviour in any way – abuse is never to be tolerated by anyone, however it does ask us all to consider the bigger picture and bring more understanding to how these behaviours develop and our part and responsibility in it, and it stops the perpetual blame game that never gets anyone any closer to the real cause of our problems.
Yes, to grow up with an assured sense of self value and purpose in life is something everyone should be given the opportunity to experience.
That’s true Janet, but sadly not many children in our modern society are being raised with this level of care, love and appreciation as shared here. We certainly need more parents like this who are open to parenting children with a deep level of care, respect, integrity and love.
I fully agree Janet it should be normal to be raised this raised this way. I know for myself the more I am honoured for being myself 0 the grogeous tender, sweet loving man that I am the more I feel able to freely express these qualities without feeling I need to hold any of them back.
I agree, men are not naturally messy, hard, competitive, distant or rough and that perhaps the review needs to happen of how we parent our boys, and are we raising them to be who they naturally are or are we raising them to be everything we then later complain about in men.
Valid and refreshing points, particularly about what we as women say we want in a man when we raise boys to be tough, weaken or crush their natural sensitivity — if we want love in a man, then he needs that full love as a boy to know that love as constant.
It is beautiful to feel how you are supporting your son to express himself truly and not putting pressure on him to conform in case you are made to feel uncomfortable and a failure as a parent. It is so ironic that the traits so many women moan about in their men are the very things that society encourages us to promote with boys. So we all bear the consequences of suppressing boys’ natural expression and it is awesome that you and your husband are breaking the mould and supporting this long overdue return of true expression in our world.
Thank you, this is a great insight into how we socialise men as boys and wonder why we have so many toughened and hardened men unable to express or feel. It would be great for you to publish a book on parenting as you are leading the way for humanity and we need the change you’re speaking of.
I feel the world is becoming more open to men who can speak from their tenderness and it is definitely not seen as a weakness. We will be looking to these men in the future as they will be leading the way in the new era.
Wow what amazing parents you both must be where you can allow your children to express themselves in full. To me the biggest challenge will be when they go to school as this is where our current education system lets us all down. To me the way we educate our children crushes them by making them conform to a set standard.
So beautifully shared. There is a lot of talk about ‘toxic masculinity’ at the moment. Your blog shows that there is no problem with masculinity at all – the real issue is the toxic ideals that have been forced into men and boys from almost every angle.
I love the photo of the young boy on this blog – it beautifully captures the exquisite innocence, delicateness and sensitivity that is natural and joyful in children. Qualities that are being supported by true parenting to blossom forth and deepen as this gorgeous young boy grows into his adult life.
You rightly expose the ridiculousness of raising boys to be tough, rough and do not allow them to cry and or to feel hurt, even though when we were looking for a boyfriend we did not like all these behaviours and toughness that was expressed to us.
Yes it hurts when at times while we choose to stay true to ourselves we end up not fitting in and being rejected by a group that wants to act in stereotypes. Yet although we don’t admit it, the emptiness and pain of opting for a life which goes against the truth of our expression is far deeper and greater.
The reason we are more likely to shy away from the first scenario is that in that; we are open and alert so we feel the discomfort.
But in the second scenario we have learned to numb ourselves from the pain en mass by alcohol, over eating, distraction and a whole host of other means of keeping ourselves well and truly numb to our awareness.
So the question is, with which do we help our child to learn how to support themselves so that they are able to stay open, loving and transparent regardless of what life throws at them, or will we teach them to lead a life that requires them to become numb to the eye-balls?
“This is without doubt one of the most disabling choices we can make as parents – to toughen up our children.” And the irony is we have bought into the belief we are doing it for their good when in truth we doing so we are protecting ourselves from felling our own hurt of dis-connection from our own delicateness and guilt of doing so.
There is a curse that parents have placed on their children, wishing when they grow up and have their children… that they are the same as they are now. In the end, any living thing when matured and bears fruit, will only give you, what seeds you planted.
I have a daughter and two sons and although their expression and the qualities they bring are very different they are all divine in their essence. Every boy, girl, man and woman is beautiful and a son of God first. When I see my daughter and two sons I cannot but see the reflection before me. There is no attachment to gender that treats one differently to the other as they all come from the same place – love and as a parent it is my responsibility to reflect to them who I truly am and express the divine qualities that are naturally inherent within me.
Thank you for putting forward our true responsibilities as parents to ensure that boys are raised in complete equality to girls so that they can masterfully claim the power of their sensitivity and far out weighs the tough skin that we commonly want to engender. We are entering a new phase of awareness and understanding about men, honouring and respecting them for their immense sensitivity will ultimately address the many ills in the world that have arisen because globally we have denied them their greatest asset.
It is such a joy to be with the rare young boys as your son, who have been supported and manage to maintain their connection to their delicateness as they are an inspiration of what a true man is.
Beautiful. Inspiring for all of us to read whether we are raising boys or not, because these ill-seated beliefs about how boys ought to toughen up and not show their feelings are rife. If we have these beliefs in us we ’emit’ them to young boys and men regardless of whether they are our sons, brothers or husbands. Our movements communicate every belief we have taken on. Hence the importance of debunking what is not true so that we move with the truth instead.
Thank you, very beautiful to see how simple it can be to be so sensitive and yet very strong when we are supporting our children to grow in to the adults that will ultimately be guiding the directions of society. And the responsibility towards our own sensitivity is here the diamond key that you have given.
Over the winter I’ve been told I have ‘man flu’ when feeling ill. Its got me to stop each time its said as the feeling that comes with it has so much judgement and yet is deemed to be such a normal comment. In effect it says to me that I should stop being weak, push through it, with an undercurrent that my pain threshold is somehow lesser than women?! Its quite a package and just another small example of how we create ideals and beliefs around the sexes that damage allowing us to be ourselves.
I watch how some parents are with their young sons and see how these young boys are playing the game they think they need to play when around their parents and so many parents have said to me, “they don’t do that for me at home, or “how do you get them to do that”? I share that from my own experience of having kids that when I came to them with a need or expectation, straight away there’s a feeling of inequality and someone wants to win or get their way. Whereas when you come to them bringing none of that, they are left more to be themselves and don’t feel the need to be anything other than themselves, then they tend to move through things quicker.
Young boys who are parented to feel who they are and not take on a hard shell of protection offer all other boys a role model of living with the strength of tenderness and expressing what they feel.
We take what we see today as de facto statement of who and how we are to be. But our choices change everything, so if we simply stop focusing on what has been and listened instead to how we feel we might find we’re way more beautiful than we ever thought. Thank you for this gorgeous blog.
It’s so strange and weird we have to have these discussions in the first place. Wouldn’t it be easy if we are just to just be ourselves and then live life? We are quite far away from that unfortunately. And we struggle at it. Equality these days have been more about women wanting to do everything the men have been up to, which are not even healthy for us men let alone for women. We struggle, we compete, we roughen up and we become hard and distant. Women are tragically going the same path, with cross fitness and all sorts of things that will effectively harden our bodies and hence our ability to feel how sensitive we actually are.
We as women and mothers have to accept our fragility and sensitivity in the first place, that we actually want the reflection of a man coming towards us in gentleness. If not we raise up these machines or men that are not mirroring and meeting our own delicateness.
Yes, Stefanie and the interesting thing is that when we do meet a man in tenderness and delicateness we are asked to ‘step up’ be more in our femaleness, something we can also resist.
Yes Stephanie I agree, saying yes to the delicateness, fragility and preciousness that is within me has to bring about change around me. There was a time when I would run a mile when any sensitivity, tenderness and gentleness would come to meet me. I felt uncomfortable, awkward and often created arguments to avoid and not feel the reflection. Today I am welcoming these true qualities of a man into my life because of the changes to accept the true qualities within me.
What an amazing piece of education you delivered here. It is very tangible because I can feel you living this with your children. I cannot imagine a more supportive upbringing like what you shared. The world will be blessed by your boy’s expression.
I can feel your commitment as a parent and partner. What you have raised may not make sense to many as how a child is because of how the parent is. What changes anything in this world is not how we are different, but how we are the same, that we are love. Boys and girls are in essence no different, just as there is no difference in essence of a parent with your awareness and one without. But in our sameness when felt, we begin to live what is true.
We tell our children they need to be in a certain way to be accepted in society – and this, we the adults tell ourselves just as often. And we end up creating a society where nobody is being themselves but thinking this would suit others but those others are not being themselves either. Whatever the ideal, those ‘certain ways’ are actually nobody’s way. And we end up with a society that nobody likes to be in.
The key to parenting is to allow the child to be themselves. It makes sense to anyone.
What I have found is that it is extremely difficult to not get too involved in your child’s life when you have not healed your own issues. Because that is why you had that particular child, to bring up your issues.
Of course it is an ongoing process throughout your lives but just understanding that it is a process helps you to surrender more and just love the amazing being in your life.
You ask some great and very pertinent questions throughout your awesome blog but the one that really jumped out for me was: “Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees?” I don’t think that there would be anyone that would say no, so this leads to the next question – ‘so why do we, more often than not, treat them differently in this scenario?’ Boys hurt physically and emotionally just the same as girls do so let’s begin to treat them with the equalness that they naturally are and allow them to grow into the beautiful adults that they were born to be.
Stunning blog. And yes you are so right whether a boy or a girl both are the same in essence and can both enjoy ‘joy at a flower opening up, enjoy the nurturing quality of a lovely shade of pink in his jumper, or snuggle up and enjoy the big caring arms of a parent’. So then we have a responsibility, just as you and your husband are living to break these stereotypes and treat both equally. This says it all to me and should be on billboards, hospitals, schools and youth centres ‘We are guardians in their lives; our purpose is not to control, own or pander, it is to support them to make choices that offer the freedom to express, be responsible and empower themselves so that they live meaningful lives of purpose and value within their own sphere and within society.
Stereotypes- imprisonment and repeating cycles that puts a mask on you, limiting.
Essence in Expression: unlimitedness, beholding and inspiration, connection.
What feels better ?!
I am really hoping the way you bring up your kids will be the norm in the future, but it will be a slow transition as people have been stuck in their old ways for a long time. Men traditionally went off to war and I for one would not like to have to go off to war and see all the atrocities that go with war if I hadn’t been toughened for the task.
I am now finding my way back to the tenderness that I am naturally from but if I am honest growing up and having a dad who taught me how to throw a punch came in handy on more than one occasion. In an ideal world or our future world I do hope this won’t be needed and bullies will be a thing of the past and our expression will be accepted no matter what that expression is unless of course it is harmful to others.
It feels like humanity is entering a new era of appreciating boys and men for who they are in their essence. This is essential for releasing men from the binds that cultures and societies have imposed for eons.
“We normalise habits in our boy children that become exacerbated ways of life and habits into adulthood, and then we criticise our men for behaving in these ways.” Such a clear and powerful message and your blog supports how we can un-normalise these habits to raise sensitive, tender, loving, powerful men.
The connection to our body is our greatest strength and that is equally true for boys and girls, men and women. When we harden our body, we deny and bury that connection and let the mind run riot with its beliefs and ideals of how things should be rather than listening to he unadulterated and simple truth of the physical body.
I’m not a parent to my own children yet however, I am forever wise and respectful to the extent and virtual evil of the ideals and beliefs of how we should parent. Blogs like this help us to understand more clearly our children are just like us. The more we know who we are and develop a loving relationship with ourselves the true value we have in our reflection to our children. It’s also important to observe the innate already natural qualities children reflect back to us i.e. in equality we receive reflection from our children.
I love how you unravel how we make our boys/men into something we then later do not want. And this is with so many thugs in life, we do not like them and keep complaining but yet keep in the same footsteps as before. To change what is not working we are all asked to tread new ground, or more so older grounds of the truth we know deep down inside.
I love what you have shared. Its a truly confident young man that is able to transition from childhood to being a young man whilst maintaining who is and not loose himself in a world that is asking him to maintain the status quo of what it is to be a man. This will be challenging for other boys and young men, but only because they see themselves and they choice to have the opportunity to make. I love these blog sharing on being a parent. They offer real support for those in the broader community who are raising children.
I was watching two young boys recently and they were under the age of 9 and they were so tough and rough with each other. They were throwing themselves around smashing into one another to see if they could unbalance the other and knock them over. They were also being potentially destructive to another’s property. To me they seemed completely out of control. Their parent was watching them unconcerned, so it was clear to me this behaviour was not a ‘one off’. And I wondered to my self just how bad does someone’s behaviour have to get before someone calls a stop. But adults are behaving in this manner too and there is nobody to call a stop to such abusive mannerisms, which our children are also picking up.
“Does a 3-year-old boy not hurt the same as a 3-year-old girl if they fall on their knees? Does he not stare in joy at a flower opening up, enjoy the nurturing quality of a lovely shade of pink in his jumper, or snuggle up and enjoy the big caring arms of a parent?” This type of questions we should ask more as you can feel how ridiculous it is to think there is a difference why we should raise girls as girls and boys as boys, they are equal.
This is such an important discussion to have as when you look at the rates of illness and disease and, drug abuse and mental health problems in men the figures are shocking, so we all know that men are struggling to cope with life and we therefore have a responsibility to look at how we are raising our young men and boys and what kind of life are we really preparing for them?
Interesting to see how as parents we generally teach our children ways to manage and cope with the challenges they are encouraging which they do not feel equipped to handle, instead of truly supporting them to embrace life in full. And this is done through allowing them to express how they feel.
The phrase ‘you reap what you sow’ comes to mind here and the fact of reincarnation. Our parenting influences the quality of those that go on to shape the life we all live within and will return to over and over again.
Just look at the tenderness, transparency and a natural sense of confidence in the face of the young boy in the photo makes me melt. This is the quality of expression I would like around me from whichever gender and whatever age.
The true quality of a man ‘delicacy’ can only come out if we allow boys to feel, to stay tender, connect to their bodies and express what they feel.
Lovely Article. There is a lot of qualities we already naturally have and the inner life is abundant if we give ourselves permission to apply its intelligence to physical life. True parenting encourages this.
Always more to learn in life, but something I know very clearly is that through knowing men and now my son, is that men are so much more than how they are painted as rough, tough and not feeling. They are awesome just like us woman and we should be celebrating one anther not confining each other to stereotypes.
How true it is that we each feel and experience life no differently regardless of our gender. It is the ideals and roles that are forced onto us as garments to wear and adorn and little wonder they become familiar and comfortable over time and that we may feel like the emperor without his clothes when raw in our vulnerability and true knowing.
One thing I also notice is how parents keep boys babied in areas like dressing themselves, often treating them as less able which plays into what your sharing about not taking care of clothes etc as an adult. These subtle and not so subtle ways we are having on the development of men. Brilliant expose.
I love how you describe equality here, its deeper than gender, age and culture. In fact it cuts straight though all of those pervading consciousnesses and unites people.
“We do not protect our sons when we seek this as a remedy – we instead perpetuate the status quo that does not support either gender.” So true. We have created such an imbalance in society and relationship by the expectations and roles we have placed on both boys/men and girls/women, that it is viewed as strange or against the norm if we do not raise children to conform to these stereotype. And yet by divorcing boys from their feelings at a young age we now have a society that champions toughness in both men and women – which is a deeply unnatural state of being for both sexes.
What a wonderful sharing! This could be required reading for all parents of young boys and girls. I have always felt the tenderness and sensitivity in boys as well as girls. How unfortunate that we often presume to know what is best for our children only to understand as they get older that we did not. With the understanding that all children are born equally in need of our love, attention and tenderness.
This is an absolutely stunning blog. I feel deeply touched by the incredible dedication, awareness, support and love you are offering your children and how you are a role model for parenting – whether we have children of our own or not. Every child in you life is truly blessed.
This is a lovely blog and your son is very lucky to have parents like you that allow him to be himself.
What you write is such a no-brainer, it is strange that we would raise children any other way!
A beautiful article about responsibility and the opportunity we have as mothers to care for and raise boys to become the men that we all want to walk alongside. I love how you have shown that the characteristics we champion in boys are the very ones we moan about in our men.
What a beautiful, enriching of life, role model you are offering and reflecting for your son (and daughter equally so) to hold and express their innate sensitive and true nature as they grow into adulthood.
“My young son is growing into an extremely loving, strong, steady and expressive young man who is not imprisoned by what society says he should b”e.
I am with you all the way and it is for us who are not parents to also uphold our responsibility and be real when we interact wit children, treating them with equality love and respect in an openness that allows us all to express from our essence.
Such a beautiful article; thank you for sharing your experience and reflections with the world. This needs to be in every parenting course and childcare agency! I’ll be sharing it far and wide!
A great article. I love the awareness you are parenting your children with. How blessed they are. It is a shame that this is not the norm.
Beautiful blog, and inspiring to read how you are supporting your son to connect to his body and to express how he feels, without any of the baggage of the roles that we put on ourselves and each other. So true that we criticise men for being insensitive and not caring, yet we raise boys to be like this.. we are constantly creating our own reality through how we parent and relate to one another.
Awesome article! It expresses how all parents have a responsibility to raise boys or girls to express how they truly feel in their bodies and to support them not to feel constrained in their choices by beliefs or attitudes imposed on them by societal or cultural traditions. Nominating these societal attitudes that do not value or honour the expression of natural sensitivity, care and gentleness, supports all children to have a voice and to be supported to express how they feel about what is being expected of them. I feel generations of parents have been aware of how damaging and disempowering it is for children to lose their spontaneity, preciousness and joyfulness in expression just to conform with cultural or societal expectations of their gender.
Beautiful and a superb role model you share of parenting. The irony that the complaints women make of the behaviour of men are the results of the upbringing of them as children is such a great point and a true one.
“It is clear that supporting him to honour what he feels, confirming / encouraging the expression of his natural sensitivity, care and gentleness will enable him to find his way with these super powerful qualities intact and this can only support him and others” This is true education, supporting a child to trust their own intuition and feeling, see them as strengths offers them a sound foundation to hold themselves steady in the face of a world that is utterly bewildering.
Spot on Kehinde – it is truly about establishing a foundation that allows us to stand upon in life, a foundation that holds us true stead when the unsteadiness of the world comes at us.
This blog is golden. We absolutely need to relook at how we raise our boys and how men ‘turn out’ through the product of our parenting and stereotyping. ‘This is without doubt one of the most disabling choices we can make as parents – to toughen up our children.’ I agree with you whole-heartedly. I have observed children create false arrogance in this regard… pretending they are tough, being domineering and bullish, but underneath as fragile as flowers but dare not admit it in case they are the ones bullied and belittled… and so the cycle perpetuates. What you are offering here is a break in the cycle.
Thank you. I love this summary – “It does not make a man weak to be open to feeling what is going on in the world, within his body, in his relationships – it is a strength and benefit for himself and all others.” To stay connected to our feelings through our bodies and thereby read what is going on around us, strengthens us and allows us to live with the authority of truth and an openness to love. This does not differ between genders.
Quite right, it does not differ, we all feel the same things and equipping ourselves with how to handle those things should be part and parcel of our education. This is part and parcel of life skills educations and need to be seen in others as much as talked about in theory. Our parents are not at fault because they weren’t taught this either, but now we are aware we have to have this conversation and lead by example.
Reading this makes it clear that we reap what we sow, and if we as women want truly caring loving relationships with our partners, then we have to bring our boys up in a way that nurtures those qualities.
I felt this as I read this blog also. Most women have a big say in the way their sons are raised and it is worth considering what type of men are we raising.
Thank you, as parents avoiding the traps of parenting and gender stereotyping is a delicate path to tread and great to have opened this conversation. Some boys are naturally tender, non-combative, caring and we can nurture them to value these qualities, while developing an inner strength. Many parents struggle with this, fearing they need their child to toughen up to fit in with societal norms. Supporting a child, boy or girl to be themselves and honour intrinsic qualities of love, tenderness and kindness benefits the child and their peers.