I hear so much about “boys will be boys”, but what does that really mean? Are we just giving them a wide scope to be able to get away with behaviour we deem unacceptable for girls or young women, or is it that we do not want to allow them to be gentle and tender because then we would have to stop and see how far we have fallen from our own lived gentleness and tenderness?
And so instead, are we choosing to turn a blind eye when their behaviour becomes wayward because we do not quite know how to respond to it due to our own level of shutting down and hardness?
Whatever the reason, I feel this “boys will be boys” label needs to be addressed and boys need to be seen for who they truly are, and as women we know exactly how that is – and men, so do you, because we can all feel it.
We do not need to be told how boys or men should be, that they are different to girls or women, that they are tough, hard and strong, and to be completely honest, it is not ok that we as a society continue to instil these ideals, beliefs and impositions onto them, because I know from personal experience that men are extremely gentle, tender and loving and love nothing more than to be held by another and met for who they truly are.
Yes, men have a body that is physically designed to be able to lift or carry more than women, but their inner quality does not differ to ours. They are naturally gentle, tender and sensitive and if you observe them, how they are as young boys, it is not until they begin to head into their pre-school years that their gentleness begins to be replaced by a hardness, a shutting down so to speak, of their natural expression, as if they think they have a particular image they have to live up to – that they should be playing with trucks and cars and not dolls, or heaven forbid, wear a dress in public or want to have their nails painted.
I know a lot of fathers cringe at the very idea of their son wearing a dress or wanting to learn ballet – some because they are afraid of their son being teased by other boys, or because the fathers are worried about what other people will think of them; that if their son does girly things or behaves ‘girly,’ it is a direct reflection of how they are in their own masculinity. This, for some, is a huge challenge.
We have two sons, one aged 3 and one aged 20 months, both of whom are extremely different in their expression. Our oldest loves to wear dresses, have his nails painted, tie his hair up, play with dolls and play ballet. His favourite colour is indigo and he absolutely adores being held and is extremely affectionate and quiet in his mannerisms. He is loving, gentle, tender, affectionate, caring, vulnerable and fragile, no less so than our 8 year old daughter, who, mind you, has a favourite colour of blue.
Our youngest son has the same qualities as his brother. He is loving, caring, nurturing, tender and gentle. His way of expressing this is, however, very different. He has from the very beginning loved trucks and cars, preferring to play with hammers, work tools and he is more vocal in his expression, but this does not make him harder than his brother because he too loves to be held and to hold another.
Both boys are completely opposite in the way they express their inner qualities but those inner qualities are the same, the same as their father, who has over the years dropped the guards and protections he built up over his childhood to now live the absolutely beautiful tender gentle man he is today, forever deepening his love for himself and living that for his sons to feel and see.
Seeing the love our boys are, how they live and hold us in this, for me reflects how I am with myself, and I can see how, as my partner deepens and develops his love for himself, it exposes where I am not loving with myself. At times this can be challenging, because there is a level of comfort many of us do not want to let go of. And if men stay in their hardness and protection, then it does not challenge us to step out of our own protections and hardness we have created over the years.
I know that without the ongoing love and support from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, I would not be able to support or nurture our boys to love in and from the absolute beauty they are, to see how each one needs to be supported differently to allow their natural expression to shine through.
I am constantly blessed by how gentle, tender and loving they are, and I can see how hard it has been for my husband to break down the barriers of protection he has built up around him over the years to hide his own gentleness and tenderness. It has been a long road for him, one that is not yet over and, like so many of us, we are only just beginning to understand what it is to truly live who we are naturally, without the impositions of society.
For many boys, the pressures, ideals and beliefs of how they should be become too much, so they succumb to how they think they should be. Meanwhile there is a trapped little boy within, just waiting to be met for who he truly is, and when he feels safe, and feels met, what you are met back with is absolutely glorious: the innocence of a man is truly beauty-full.
So why do we as a society continue to push and shove men into these boxes? Why do we paint a picture for them to live up to that is so far removed from who they naturally are? Why is it so important that they remain in and live from that hardness, instead of the natural gentleness and tenderness they are?
Both of our sons are encouraged and supported to express and live the gentleness, tenderness and vulnerability they are. They are supported and encouraged to live the men they naturally are, to not lose themselves and live up to the ideals and beliefs society has for so long pushed upon them.
They are allowed to, and encouraged to cry, and we stop and listen to what they have to say and what they are feeling – they are treated no different to our daughter, and no less.
I have been blessed to grow up with many boys in my life, both close to me and from afar, and they have been absolutely beautiful both inside and out… caring, loving and always there to support you when needed. However, even with this, over time they too have fallen into the trap of how you should act to be a man, and I know these boys have grown into men with the hurts of not truly being able to express what they are feeling without being labelled as a “wuss” or “ponce” or worse. But never have they lost that inner quality, for when you meet them from your own gentleness, you see that sparkle come back to life.
Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within. To do that, we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.
Let all sons have the role models they need and deserve, and let’s not live in a way that keeps us shut down from those closest to us, or humanity.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Nicole Serafin, 44 yrs, Woman, wife, Mother, Hairdresser, Tintenbar NSW
Further Reading:
It’s a boy! What is true gender equality?
Men – are we set up to fail?
Men and expression – echoes from behind the wall
In our essence we are all gentle, tender vulnerable, sensitive, loving, play-full, sacred with a fragility and divine connection to our Soul that shines the light on this way of being so that the reflection that comes from our Livingness is felt by everyone.
The natural tenderness and loving sensitivity of boys is always there waiting for a man to reflect to them that this who they are as they grow up.
I personally hate the way that we treat our children; I hate the fact that we bludgeon them when they are young so that their innate tenderness and sensitivity is crushed. And so is it any wonder they then grow up hard, abusive and shut down to life?
When you come across a tender man or a boy who similarly has not been imposed on the it becomes obvious how amazingly simple our life can be when we take away all the imposition that so called normal life has placed upon us.
Michelle what you have shared here is Gold
‘When we tell boys they can’t do something because it is not fitting for boys to do so they learn to reject themselves and can get into a whole heap of behaviours to compensate for the fact.’
Children can reflect back to us a different way to be as they are extremely tender and delicate and this is as natural to them as breathing. What I absolutely hate is how we somehow through our speech and actions smash this so that they grow up in some cases completely devoid of that tenderness and delicateness. Why do we insist on bludgeoning our children in this way generation after generation? When will we stop to consider that we are actually making the mess we all say we don’t want to live in?
There is nothing more powerful than a man who is not afraid to be delicate, gentle and vulnerable.
My grandson wears his sisters tutus and not just at home. He is a very sensitive child, as are all children. It will be interesting to visit again this half term, now he has started school, and to feel if there is a change in him, still allowing that sensitivity and delicacy through.
Watching boys growing up, when simply letting their feelings be known is amazing, because when they are not put upon by the usual tuff up scenario we were all faced with as you boys that was in my generational years, they learn to be their natural self with the innate tenderness as you have shared Nicole.
I love how you observe your children, you allow your great insight to guide you. Children are so different, at day dot they have already come with their traits, their special way of looking at the world. Saying one box fits all never works.
I absolutely love hearing when young men are encouraged and supported to express to live the gentleness, tenderness and vulnerability. Raising men like this we raise true Kings.
We complain about men being insensitive and rough yet this is exactly the way we have brought them up to be.
Any stereo types we put on anything or anyone will ultimately not serve us to evolve.
I suspect this is true for many people, time for self reflection, ‘is it that we do not want to allow them to be gentle and tender because then we would have to stop and see how far we have fallen from our own lived gentleness and tenderness?’
“forever deepening his love for himself and living that for his sons to feel and see.” What an inspirational role model for any child, boy or girl, so that they may grow up with the confidence to know that that it is more than ok to continually deepen thier own love for themselves, regardless of what anyone may think or tell them.
How amazing would that be if we could raise children to continually deepen their own love for themselves, regardless of what anyone may think or tell them other wise. To continuously affirm them to feel the love that surrounds them. Then they would not grow up in fear or rejection.
I absolutely agree that the saying “boys will be boys” label needs to be addressed and boys need to be seen for who they truly are,” For too long our beautiful boys have not been able to remain the tender and sensitive beings that they naturally are as they are encouraged to harden up to live in this world. There is something definitely ‘off’ in this world if we think it is normal for a boy to bury all these innate qualities to live in a way that is in total opposite to who he truly is. No wonder men have so many issues in dealing with life.
Yes we seem to want to put all these pictures onto what a boy or man is and what a girl or woman is. From the colors they should like to how they should dress and how they should be and act. Even though nothing of these outer pictures do define who we truly are.
It’s refreshing to read how a father can reflect to his children that it is ok for them to express themselves how they want to and not impose ideas onto the children out of fear of what others may think.
“forever deepening his love for himself and living that for his sons to feel and see.” This is the missing ingredient in the lives of many boys who respond so naturally when they have a role model that openly lives with tenderness and sensitivity.
The saying “boys will be boys” has always seemed to me to be an acceptance of behaviours we, if we are totally honest with ourselves, don’t like, as they are considered to be normal. But by accepting this so-called normal are we perpetuating behaviour that is actually harming our young boys, our future men, instead of educating them in a more caring and loving way of being, both to themselves and to others? This is one saying that needs to be deleted from our vocabulary, and fast.
We indeed do play a part in allowing men to express their innate tenderness and care for us, by living our own innate sacredness.
This part about a father’s masculinity being rejected or confirmed by his son’s choices is a very interesting subject and perhaps reveals much of how we have created a society that promotes the shut-down of men’s sensitivities, generation after generation, with many young men beginning to feel quite lost if their expression does not fit in with the expected conditions that have been laid out for them to adhere to.
A great article Nicole, as a mother of four boys, I am reminded of how I lived as a woman and Mother then, where the reflection was to just get through the day do whatever was needed with no care for your own needs, Now as a grandmother I get to provide another reflection as I embrace my own tenderness and fragility. Within each one of my sons I now see a depth of sensitivity, tenderness slowly emerging.
“Let all sons have the role models they need and deserve” Yes please forget the superstars the movie stars and footballers – true role models are the men who allow themselves to be seen for who they really are without fluff – real tender sensitive guys – this is what the world craves.
It is true, men are naturally teddy bears, but society has shaped them to be anything but, and made the tenderness retreat and become a hidden part of themselves. Tenderness has become something that should not be shared or valued openly. The world and the population that inhabits it would heal enormously if tenderness in men were brought to the forefront and appreciated.
It seems to me that society definitely imposes these roles and beliefs about boys needing to be tough, hardened, and protected in order to not allow the beautiful reflection of tenderness to naturally emanate from boys (and men) which would then make it obvious how women and men are not living with that same level of care, tenderness, and gentleness. In essence, it’s a great way to avoid the responsibility we all have to express in this way that comes so easily to young boys.
“men are extremely gentle, tender and loving and love nothing more than to be held by another and met for who they truly are.” When it is expressed like this it becomes clear that we are all the same.
We are, I remember one of my boys wanting me to continually very tenderly stroke his arm or hand, and if I stopped, then I was prompted to carry on, and this was well into double figures.
Men do love to hug and cuddle and be tender in ways that aren’t driven by a sexual desire. It’s taken me a while to understand this but it is true but in my experience challenging for men and women to be content just holding one another without anything else being expected (from self or from the other). I still find it challenging to just sit and be lovely but it’s a learning to accept process.
The pictures we work so hard to live up to when raising our boys means we leave less room for them to simply be themselves.
‘Boys will be boys’ is a very dismissive statement about men and their gentle nature; it is condescending, appears all-knowing (but is not) and has an air of given upness as well, of shrugging one’s shoulders in dismay.
Whenever we say someone WILL be something, are we not almost condemning them to that action, or at the very least excusing it. What if we resolved to see the best in people and no matter their behaviours rather than holding people to stereotypes and actions that are clearly not who they naturally are.
Women have a big impact on how boys are raised so the more we allow our fragility and preciousness the easier it will be to allow this is boys and men. In this way we as women have a responsibility to the men in our society.
Men in their tenderness will be a much needed change of love and harmony in our world. I am my own observer and incorporating tenderness into my body has lessoned my self-abuse, anger and sadness
” or is it that we do not want to allow them to be gentle and tender because then we would have to stop and see how far we have fallen from our own lived gentleness and tenderness? ”
This sounds more like the truth – “boys will be boys” is just a red herring, or a decoy so as to give an excuse so that the truth will not be looked at.
But now this writing brings the truth to the surface for those to see, thank you Nicole.
Men are naturally tender, sensitive and gentle and do love to be touched and held, ‘Yes, men have a body that is physically designed to be able to lift or carry more than women, but their inner quality does not differ to ours.’
This is a great point to make, and I can relate with this very much so in relation to when my boys were young, ‘Both boys are completely opposite in the way they express their inner qualities but those inner qualities are the same’.
When my partner met my male friends he was touched by their openess and how one of them went up and hugged him straight away. He said it reminded him of a time when he lived in another country and was very touched by this gesture and shared how he wished that this was our common way and that more men were this open.
yes, women hug each other so much more than men and yet I have watched how much men love that feeling of connection when it happens spontaneously.
Could one of the main problems with domestic violence be that our men growing up have not been allowed to be their tender, gentle and truly loving selves?
Boys love to dress up in dresses, paint their nails, push a pram with a doll in it, wear make-up and play with making food and tea. It is such a natural thing for them to do. I have two boys ages 7 and 9 and it has been a blessing to observe their interactions with the above clearly revealing to me that boys are no different to girls. As they get older they are becoming aware of what is cool and what isn’t and this is also interesting to observe when they are torn with what they want to do and what and how society expects them to be and live. It opens me up to becoming increasingly aware of the responsibility I have as a parent and a role model and live what is true for me to my children and to all children in my life.
Very young children – both boys and girls – have a sweetness and a tenderness. However at some point boys are taught to toughen up and ‘be a man’, implying it is not ok to cry and feel their hurts. When this attitude is replaced by accepting men are just as fragile and tender as women, society will change considerably. No more ‘macho’ men trying to hide their hurts.
It is time for these important conversations about how we socialise children away from their true essence because the effects of this on society is devastating. Boys and men who have been cut off from their sensitivity, gentleness and tenderness can suffer enormous pain and tension from living who they are not. The learned hardness, roughness and toughness is a breeding ground for being careless with their own or other people’s bodies. This all can result in domestic violence and other violence, drinking and drug use, and various other behaviours harmful to self and to others. We are not just harming boys and men by socialising them this way, but deeply harming all of society.
I love that there are some parents out by now, who understand the categorizing boys and girls get put in from a young age. They allow boys to play with dolls and wear dresses for example. I love that, it destroys these picture that don ´t allow true expression from either gender.
If we allowed both boys and girls and men and women to simply be themselves and to express, honour and live in accordance to our innate qualities, our world collectively would certainly be a much more harmonious and loving place to be.
So greatly shared Nicole. As many of the sayings that we circulate today, without consideration of what we are actually saying, ‘boys will be boys’ is another that does not represent or confirm the truth of who we are in essence, and in this case the true qualities of boys and men. The fact that we all as a society encourage boys to hide their sensitivity, mask their tenderness and hold back their loving feelings from a young age, so they are not deemed ‘weak’ or considered less accepted, is a crime that we are all responsible for taking part in. And it is in sayings such as this which are currently in circulation, that exposes the imposing conditioning that continues to pigeon-hole and hinder the well-being, true development and empowerment of our boys and young men today. As we all have had a part in creating this dishonouring idealism, we equally have part and a responsibility to turn this around by the way we are and the quality in which we meet the boys and men we are with.
This blog is so needed. Only a few men can actually really ” remember” how naturally tender and fragile they are. Society pushes it kind of out of them… I always have the focus when I meet men to remind them and show them how much I appreciate them being also connected to their femaleness and sensitivity. In my experience they blossom in my presence. Imagine all the women would give this feedback. Lets go !
That is a beautiful call to make and something we can all do – honour the men and boys we meet for who they truly are, and offer space for them to express this.
I work with pre-school children and what I can see every year is that the natural quality of each boy is pure gentleness, which is exactly the same to the natural quality of each girl. With 3 years old, all of them are very open, innocent and tender, no difference at all. When I relate to men, I like to remember that and connect with that child whithin me and them that remains untouched. This makes me feel closer to them without the barriers and differences that society has set up between us men and women, and communication becomes easier and more heartfelt. In fact, we are not so far as we are told to be…
Boys without a doubt are naturally tender so it takes a lot of work to toughen them up. The familiar sayings have a lot to answer for as ‘boys will be boys’ excuses unnatural aggressive behaviours and ‘boys don’t cry’ shutdown our boys ability to express their sensitivity.
Thank you Nicole. This is something all parents of boys could do to read! There needs to be changes made in how we raise our boys in particular, and that can only come from us as parents being aware of what we are doing to our children (boys in this case) by insisting they toughen up and not allowing them to connect to their natural tender way of being.
if men stay in their hardness and protection, then it does not challenge us to step out of our own protections and hardness we have created over the years. Yes, and the same for women, if we do not bring the divine qualities of sacredness and grace to men, they are then not supported and confirmed by us. We each know our true qualities deep within, but seem to find it hard to look at our hurts around our past choices as the man or woman.
I love this focus on someone’s inner qualities rather than their outward attributes (such as strength or appearance). It is that which shines through and remains constant from the day we are born all the way through to old age.
The more I open up to what this article offers the more remarkable, sweet, tender, precious and strong I find the men in my life… it is really inspiring.
Yes and that in turn allows women the opportunity to honour more of what they innately bring.
It is very beautiful to let our children express from their inner expression and not according to the pictures there are. It allows them to just be and explore the world and themselves in it from an inner confidence and this is very beautiful to observe how they then know themselves and are not in constant dependancy what the world delivers to them but bring out what they have to offer the world.
Today I witnessed a quite intense stand off between two young men, both very angry and one with a heavy metal chain dog leash that he looked ready to lash out with. As I carefully watched the situation unfold, I was struck by how much uneasy and unnatural tension was in these men’s bodies – it was almost like you could see their ideals and beliefs around being a tough man and not taking crap from another man egging them on, pushing them forward and making it impossible for them to back down and come off the attack. But in the very fact that you could see how unnatural it was, and you could see the ideals locking into their bodies as beliefs acting out as behaviours, I could see beyond this to the fact that they were in truth beautiful and sensitive men, who have never been shown anything by the world then to squash that true expression and instead to wear the mask and heavy overcoat of being a tough, rough and aggressive man.
“Both boys are completely opposite in the way they express their inner qualities but those inner qualities are the same.”
I love this line Nicole as it beautifully sums up all of us and how we all have different expressions and we all look different on the outside but our inner essence is the same. The beauty of our different qualities in expression is needed for the whole as we are all an equal part of the larger universal puzzle that is life.
Yes indeed, this is all our responsibility. To nurture and support young men to live who they are, deeply sensitive and caring. I too am blessed to have the man I married value this side of himself and therefore we have been able to raise our son in the same way. It is extraordinary how much of a push there is from society for them both to be harder though. I take my hat off to them for standing by who they truly are over who society has been asking them to be.
I have seen the absolute purity and love that pours out of a man who does not hold back his tenderness – bring it on I say!
Indeed- it lets everyone melt, who is blessed to be in that man´s presence.
I saw a friends young son the other day and he was so beautiful, tender and sweet – he seemed totally at ease and there was no part of him that seemed violent, aggressive or any of the other traits we associate with boys even from a very young age, and I got to see how it really is about raising our children, boys or girls, un-imposed to allow them to just be themselves.
We all have the responsibility to lead the way with being tender, fragile, loving and honouring of ourselves, and not hold back waiting for others to do it first. Being love without any guarantee anyone else will be love too is the way to live.
Boys are the tenderest of beings, and so the amount of hardness they can build up in protection from the world is enormous – that is , unless that boys allow their precious tenderness to be with them as their strength.
Strength in tenderness in a world that promotes the opposite is a powerful model this world needs.
When a man is truly delicate and tender it is enough to make you melt. There is so much beauty in this, and it is a man’s true nature.
Everyone should be held responsible for their actions no matter their gender, sex, age, culture, race or religion – everyone needs to be taught about the consequences of their actions and that there is a kind of joy to be found in being responsible for our impact on others.
‘I am constantly blessed by how gentle, tender and loving they are, and I can see how hard it has been for my husband to break down the barriers of protection he has built up around him over the years to hide his own gentleness and tenderness.’ This is gorgeous – a father learning to be a man from the love of his sons.
A year ago my son started an apprenticeship and is currently working on a building site. In this environment he finds it difficult to hold and express from his innate gentleness, his walk has changed and his hands are hardening from the physical work. What I appreciate however is how much he is still willing to feel and express when he comes home and how much the reflection of gentleness at home supports him to stay with himself to the best of his ability throughout the day.
‘For many boys, the pressures, ideals and beliefs of how they should be become too much, so they succumb to how they think they should be.’ This is the same for girls. We all fall prey to the demands of the outside world in one way or another, at one level or another. Awareness has to be the name of the game – allowing ourselves to observe what is going on without being effected by it in any way shape or form, and awareness from a place of connection within ourselves so that we can feel safe about our choices.
The ideas and beliefs that the outer will determine the quality of the inner is the game that we have been sold on a massive scale. Bringing a division and complication between men and women that is not true as our innate being comes from the same source.
The message of this blog to me today is that both men and women are invited and inspired to return to their natural state of being, that is being tender and caring and very delicate in how we behave and give expression to that what lives within. Imagine how the world would be if we would do that all together tomorrow morning. It sure will be noticeable in the air that something major has been shifted.
We must be careful not to set the social standard low and accept behaviour that is way out of line. We should be setting the standard super high teaching all of our children and young adults that decency and respect is a requirement not a option in this society.
I agree and appreciate the sureness with which you have written this. No waver and no negotiation, there is a standard with which we should be treating ourselves and each other, below which we do not accept.
The action of the feather brushing the cheek of this man in the blog image, says it all for me. The tenderness that men are and can express is as delicate and as light as a feather.
If I take me for example, I became something I was totally not. Being born on a farm in New Zealand I had to become tough and I had to play rugby and show that I was tough, there were no other option shown to me, no role models at that time to show me there was another way.
So it has been such an amazing journey back to the tenderness I know now that we are all from.
Indeed Kevin, we are lacking the role models that show young boys the way to go. Everything in our society is showing boys to be hard and tough, there is actually no other option. But hey, we can make this change today and be that reflection that is so needed that then will expand through the ripple effect we have on all men and women we meet. To me it actually only needs a few generations, like the children of Nicole, they will present this gentleness and tenderness they are to the world and in turn will allow their children to grow up in the same manner too. It is just a matter of time until this fortress of masculinity will dissolve and men and boys will live their natural state of being.
Go both of you!! that is two divine reflections in this world 🙂 The harder we all get in our manners and the more we deny the sensitivity that lives inside us the worse mental health is going to get. I love that you are both choosing to address the growing mental and physical health crisis by being the change for yourself and for others to see there is another way.
And that you are now able to show this to other men for them to have the same choice of honouring their true tenderness and qualities too from the very real perspective as having allowed this in yourself – gorgeous.
You’re spot on Nicole. We love to use expressions such as ‘boys will be boys’ as an excuse to not have to deal with the reasons why that behaviour is playing out. It’s like ‘terrible twos’, and ‘teenagers’. It feels like a whole lot of turning a blind eye to what’s going on for the person in question, a lack of responsibility to scratch beneath the surface of the behaviour.
Looking at this stunning photo, I am reminded of just how tender and delicate men are and how heart melting that feels. I have been on dating sites lately and have been a bit shocked by the photos they choose. I have found that men rely on their hobbies, families/mates, pets and sometimes their bodies to show who they are. I wish more men would show the tender side of themselves in their photos – they would be inundated though!
I say, allow our children to be who they are born to be, this does not mean free rein or running the household, it means supporting their true expression to come through without telling them what it is to be a man or woman. We have different qualities as men and woman, but we all have our individual expression and strengths in what it means to express being a man or woman.
A great example on how to parent boys; in fact all children; in our modern society. Thank you Nicole, what a blessing for you and your boys.
Caring about what others will think of us has such a massive impact on our lives, we are continually doing what we think we need to be doing to be liked. To be able to say no to this and live what we feel and express it no matter who is in front of us then and only then are we truly being real and honest with ourselves and others.
I have just had the privilege of spending time in the company of some beautiful amazing tender boys, it is great to see young men still being themselves, so many young men feel they have no option then to see out to a society that tells them they have to be tough.
It’s amazing how our own simple choices and way of living can give others the permission to open up and express their own style, such as the relationship you both have with your children. Parenting can be pure alchemy
I work with a few young boys and they are so fragile and tender, I often tell them it is ok to be tender – I feel it is important as a society we confirm their fragility and tenderness – they need to know this is something to celebrate.
So meeting people from the inside out rather than facade to facade… I love this… honesty in relationships from the get go.
The more I open up and present myself in full, vulnerabilities and all, the stronger I feel. Which is exactly the opposite of what I have believed to be true for most of my life. And in this new way of being my relationships with men have changed completely… seeing my own tenderness as a strength I welcome and appreciate theirs… there is so much more to this and I am loving the unfolding.
I love this discussion and feel it’s so important for today’s society. I witness the way men are with each other, often at work as that’s where I spend most of my time, and it’s interesting just how guarded they are, afraid to appear to be ‘soft’. Women do have a tendency to protect themselves also, but we allow them a bit more wriggle room to feel sensitive if they need to. It’s so important to just continue to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to give others the opportunity to feel that it’s ok…and in actual fact, it’s an enormous strength.
I feel when society is not open to seeing that men are equally sensitive, gentle, tender and vulnerable as women, this is a huge rejection of who they are. As a result what we see is suicide rates are raising especially in youth and young men.
Sitting in a hospital waiting room today, there were several young boys from around 5 to 7 years old, who were a joy to observe in their natural fragility and tenderness. It could be felt in my own body as pockets of hardness were dropping away from within just being present with these boys.A beautiful experience – what harm are we causing to these gorgeous children by placing ideals and beliefs upon them that they have to harden up to be boys and later men.
Thank you Nicole , what a joy it must be for your children to have a mother and father who are open and aware of whats true in growing up in this world . So beautiful ,
Yes very beautiful and the start I feel of a change in tide as we honour and value our innate qualities and give up the pretence and facades.
As women we can learn a lot from men who have chosen to express their natural tenderness. At least I find it at times quite exposing as it shows me how I’ve been living in protection by choosing hardness myself.
Fascinating how we hide patterns of behaviour behind a cute phrase, using language to excuse what is really going on, which is a denaturing of the tenderness that is possible from gorgeous men learning from infancy.
Boys are born no different to girls, – they have the same tenderness and delicateness. And it is only by society confirming them as different that they become this.
It is as you say Nicole…. This change must come from us the parents, and we must live our own lives in full, so that our children can stay connected to who they truly are.
Since feeling the natural tenderness of a few men I know I have realised this is so for all men. Today I remembered this article as I saw a young man, throw a cigarette from his car window as he spun the car round and drove off with what felt in your face here to prove himself attitude. I wondered how he’d been brought up and who surrounded him as he grew up having little doubt that somewhere his natural gentle ways were met with disapproval or at least not fostered. I am so appreciating reacting less to men or women who act in a defensive or even aggressive way, but seeing them as no different to sensitive people like myself knowing I’ve done all sorts to try to protect my vulnerability and delicateness, not knowing that I didn’t and don’t have to.
I love this photograph too. it embodies everything I am coming to understand about men and their innate tenderness. There is such strength in this quality, which is belied by the facades we have asked of our men… being tough and infallible.
I am at the ontset of a big, new, sure relationship and am moment by moment blown away by the strength and beauty that tenderness is in a man… true strength not a facade or outer crust.
There is a lot that is asked of men in general throughout many parts of the world, and there are some places where the role of the man has become so condensed and rigid, where violence and rage are the ruling factors. It is hard to say in these places that men are born sweet and gentle, and yet they are. No little boy is naturally aggressive.
Being with men when they drop their guard and step into their tenderness is a sublime thing… In this they can often feel more tender than women who also put up walls of protection and hardness to get though life. What if we all let go of this shield of protection and allowed ourselves to be open and tender all the time… what would happen to our relationships?
A young boy painting his nails and wearing a dress is immediately related to sexuality, but what we need to get to as a society is that such natural displays by boys are not a relation of sexuality necessarily, but much more a display of natural, gentle playfulness, and that boys need to be nurtured and loved with the same care girls are. The more comfortable we are in our own shoes the less we need to control our children and mould them to preconceived ideals.
Serge Benhayon absolutely nails this subject in his new Episode The State of Play between Men and Women. No boy is born rough and tough, we are all equally tender and without this understanding we are missing out on life
Brilliant. Well said Samantha. Without the appreciation of our equal and deeply valuable tenderness, the true harmony and balance between men and women is lost.
I am glad you have brought attention to this saying, ‘boys will be boys’. As a mum with boys you get to hear it a lot. Most often in my experience it is used as an excuse, to explain behaviour that is not respectful of themselves or other people. What I am really hearing now when I hear this saying is, boys will act the way that society expects them to when we have made them conform to the norm for men.
We are such precious beings, both men and women, boys and girls. Giving permission to ourselves to feel this awesome quality is just the beginning. Let’s support each other in this for there can be no fighting or wars if we stay in touch with this beautiful feeling and we can still do worldly things but in a completely different way.
It is beautiful to witness a man allow himself to be fragile and tender, when previously he has not shown this true part of himself. The more women allow men to be this, the more they are willing to share this part of themselves which then gives women the space to appreciate them more and be even more loving towards men. Basically if all women offered this space to men, the entire world could change as our relationships would be built on true love and understanding without judgement or jealousy.
” But never have they lost that inner quality, for when you meet them from your own gentleness, you see that sparkle come back to life.” It is all there waiting for us in our tenderness and gentleness to ignite the spark that lies within them. A beautiful honouring of the divine qualities innate within all men, thank you Nicole.
Nicole, thank you for writing this article, you ask some really important questions about boys and men here, ‘Why is it so important that they remain in and live from that hardness, instead of the natural gentleness and tenderness they are?’ I observe at schools that there is so much peer pressure for boys to be tough and hard and not sweet and sensitive, apart from in the first year of school where the boys and girls are happily playing together, cuddling and innocently being their gentle, sweet selves and I observed how there are boys that stay sensitive and gentle, but that they are in a minority, many of the boys seems to use sport as a way to harden their sensitive, tender bodies.
Whenever I re read your sharing Nicole it reminds me of my own children when they were growing up. Boys are indeed just as lovely and sensitive as girls. I agree there is nothing wrong with anyone dressing how they choose male or female. As Parents we need to allow sensitivity and gentleness to be lived in all the sexes and not allow this to be pushed aside because a parent may feel challenged by this.
This is a great title for a blog.
The saying “boys will be boys” has been branded around for too long and basically is an excuse for men act in ways that are contradictory to their delicate loving nature.
A beautiful lesson for all men and women in this blog. We create the gender-based environments that we poison ourselves and each other with and it starts so young. We grow in an atmosphere of expectation and pressure…none of it lets us be who we are. We must conform…or what will become of us?
And so Nicole, you have asked us to pay attention to the environment – the one we have made. You have asked us to look at our part in it, men and women equally so.
It is a great ill to confine any person by notions of gender that we made up at some stage. Greater still to crush and vilify those who simply cannot play this awful game.
Let boys not be boys, but be themselves. As women we can offer such beautiful grace, allowing them to be who they are. Nothing more and certainly nothing less.
We say we are opposed to the abusive and disgusting things that take place in this world. Stop someone in the street and they will readily say that they are against horrible behaviours and crimes. But isn’t the truth as you show here Nicole, that we actually like to keep these things in place, to measure our life based on these points. ‘I’m ok, I’m not involved in X and the way I live is so much better than that’. What we don’t see is that whilst we think this way we are all invested in the status quo, instead of feeling and working from what we know is true. Imagine if we all, men and women, made our reference point for living, Love.
It is great to observe how our own behaviours, beliefs and projections inform our parenting and view of another. If we can stand in observation, with absolute detachment and without judgement or expectation of another, we will truly see with wise eyes and a loving heart what is needed in every moment and allow another to simply be who they are.
As a society we have great expectations of men, which they diligently work to keep up with. It is possible that our expectations are demands on men, asking them to be always strong, stoic and even perfect. Those demands deny men the space to be who they are, and be as fallible as women, to learn and grow from their mistakes.
A timely read as I start to understand more that while I have connected to the beauty within me, and have seen it in men and my closer relationships, it feels like the resistance to going deeper in enjoying this tenderness in myself and allowing another to express it in return stems from a hurt of having left this beauty. But what is beautiful about what I’ve learnt from and been inspired by Serge Benhayon is that hurts are energy, and energy is constantly shifting. Once felt and released that hurt is no longer in the way of deepening that love.
I love your focus on your boys inner qualities, rather than what they do or how they choose to play. I realised reading this that it is from this baby age that you start to get funnelled into being recognised for a skill rather than the quality you emanate from inside. How often do we hear comments like ‘he will be a great tradesman or footballer etc’ that only recognise the skill rather than the essence of the person inside?
Sometimes boys are boys – at the school bus stop the other day the boys decided to dig a trench for the ants. The girls looked on interested but did not seem as keen to get filthy before school. Yet other times, boys will also be boys and can sit for hours making birthday cards for a friend who loves butterflies and rainbows. It it when we have a classification system for what boys are and for what boys do that it is damaging. When given the space, boys will do all kinds of things that fit no mould.
Quite often when I see the wayward behaviour of young men I can forget that they are simply making choices that are leading them astray, just as I have done many many times and so to judge would be ridiculous, but to understand would be stupendous.
A very beautifully written article on the beauty, gentleness and gorgeousness of men and boys natural qualities. You can see as a result when they are supported to be who they are, how this supports the whole family.
Yes, I agree, Jennifer, and this appreciation of men’s natural qualities brings balance to all our relationships.
Aggressive, moody, muscly, ‘a man of few words’, blunt, direct, abrasive and curt. These are just some of the things I feel we traditionally think of with men. More recently I’ve been contemplating and facing up to our ideas of how we are in relationships too. Here I feel we typically expect a man to be a bit aloof, distant and ‘hard to get’, solitary, standoffish, short, dominant, and in control. We also seem to have accepted that there will be conflict and even abuse as a standard part of being with someone. Today I am feeling like never before that all these things are the absolute and complete opposite of what it is to be a real man – and just accepting a slightly lesser dose of these behaviours is actually no different to the full on abuse. I no longer wish to subscribe to any of these ways of being. They are not true or anything to do with the real gentle man that I am. Thank you Nicole, for this clarion call for us as men to claim our true quality: tender love and delicacy.
What strikes me so strongly is that by having things like “boys will be boys” or “things just happen” we advocate all responsibility away from the fact that we choose how we are in each moment, its very easy to pass comments like this but most of the time when I say them or hear other people say them we are hurt by what has gone on and use the comment like “boys will be boys” to cover up that hurt.
We should never, ever, ever, condemn boys to that stereotype. Boys and men are so beautiful and can be so caring, yes they often completely ignore that, however if we treat them like boys, they will forever remain boys and will never know any different.
When a man expresses from their natural tenderness and love, its just a gorgeous beholding feeling, and you really can’t help but feel that sameness within yourself and be expanded by it.
Men are tender, sweet, gentle and sensitive. All we need to do is honour and support them so they can be and express this.
This is beautiful to read and so true, it is our essence and we shouldn’t be afraid to show it. Although in many ways we are pushed in the image society has of men, hurting many. But it is very much possible to live as the tender and gentle beings we as men are, it only takes courage and the knowing that nothing can hurt us more than not showing all that we are.
Recently I have been feeling how much I have withdrawn and hidden myself as a man out of reaction and apologising for how men behave and are perceived in this world. But if us men do not stand up and claim what we feel is a true way of being as a man, how does anyone, including our children, get any sense or role model of what it could be like? We have a responsibility here to bring about change because the current attitudes around boys and men is clearly not working for anyone, least of all men themselves.
The apology factor is a huge aspect that stops many men from living their life in sympathy to another. There is no difference here when we speak of women and how they are perceived in the world. Role model the human being not the gender is a long way away for humanity to recognise and feel. The stereotypical behaviours are a reflection of how society still needs ideals and beliefs to feed a suitable truth so that the true qualities we all have that bring us back to just being loving human beings falls short of our everyday livingness.
I work with quite a few men and I love it when they drop their guard and protection and just let themselves be who they truly are. It is very beautiful and their tenderness is exquisite. The problem is that they do not allow themselves to remain tender on a consistent basis because of ideals and beliefs they have about it.
I agree with you Elizabeth. It is exquisite when men drop their protection and express the gorgeousness of their true selves. If we as women make sure we do not feed society’s unwritten rule for men to be tough, we will make it much easier for them to let go of their own ideals and beliefs.
‘Yes, men have a body that is physically designed to be able to lift or carry more than women, but their inner quality does not differ to ours.’ What a disservice we do to boys as they grow so that they think they have to be rough and tough to get through life. The fear of young boys is that they will get picked on if they show their vulnerability…yet this is the very thing we need to support them to express so that they feel safe with being who they are.
What a pure joy it is to know so many tender men and this has happened because of the divine reflection that Serge Benhayon has inspired us with. This true tenderness and what it brings to anyone who is willing to be connected to the same energy is freely available so why not give it a go.
For more on tenderness go to;
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=TENDERNESS
I see boys regularly looking worse than girls – as if life is affecting them more.
If I am honest as a man, what is the quality of energy that I choose most of my days? Is it tenderness, delicacy, acceptance and Love? Or hardness, stubbornness, and emotional reactiveness? At the moment it is mostly the second batch, but every day I am starting to see how horrible it feels to live this way. And why? Because inside I absolutely know the simplicity of kindness and gentleness you describe Nicole is my and every man’s natural way. That is the true flavour of who we really are.
I have friends who will always pick up if I seem out of sorts and not my usual loving, open and tender self. I appreciate this very much and can feel how much they care about me through this.
The phrase ‘boys will be boys’ will only ever be used when we have noticed something is not right and we are choosing to excuse it away. That to me is very uncaring.
Our very definition of what a girl or boy is often comes from a picture rather than a true quality and therefore we set up a world that rejects who we actually are from the very beginning.
Yes, living from an ideal or an idea feels very attractive in the beginning as it gives structure to life but the price of not being truthful or accurate becomes more and more noticeable over time.
I have just watched an amazing young man sing on stage and my immediate response was just how beautiful and open he was he oozed tenderness and caring and it is just body melting when I witness this. He also had a very clear and powerful voice, and I realise that I know so many men who offer me a similar reflection. Men when they are in their true beauty as just mouth wateringly gorgeous.
‘Boys will be boys’ is variation of a mindset, an excuse, that is often applied to errant behaviour for all sorts of people and situations. A cop out and wanting to keep things ‘comfortable, these words hold no-one accountable.
We trap boys in a prison of what we want them to be from the start. I know some very beautiful and sensitive men which can highlight how tough and rough I am with myself. But I wouldn’t be without these reflections as I’d continue to run my excuse that I’ve got to be hard to protect myself from tough men and women. Instead I get to feel how being sensitive is possible and can allow myself to embrace my delicateness.
Men are naturally teddy bears….. well summed up, for they are super sensitive and tender just the same as all us women.
Men are tender, sensitive, sweet, gentle, caring and supportive; they love naturally and we will flourish in their company when we accept, appreciate and respond to this.
If we look at the statistics of suicide of men under 30 we see alarming and rising numbers. So something in the way we raise our boys is showing that something’s definitely not right! I know hardly any men who openly shares how amazing, tender, joyful and delicate he is (and so much more). Personally I am learning to be exquisitely sensitive and sweet. But even though I know it now, as I’ve felt it. I’m still terrified to be with these qualities (with me) in the world. This won’t change overnight, but we’re definitely to start expressing and admitting that boys being a tough man that isn’t allowed to cry isn’t the true way of living life.
Thank you for your gorgeously honest share Floris. I was touched with reading the sentence: “I’m still terrified to be with these qualities (with me) in the world.” How absurd is it that we educate half of humanity to be scared of expressing the love, sensitivity and tenderness that is in their heart and think that an armour of hardness and toughness is what is acceptable. I love it when men like you express the true beauty of your essence.
i have never met a baby boy who doesnt like pink- What I do observe happenning though is that they get socialised out of it, they get influenced to say they do not like it, or given limited access to it. I say let boys enjoy pink as much as they want to, it certainly isn’t coming from them to have it restricted, its adults prejudice and fears and therefore undulate with issues that come out here.
‘Both boys are completely opposite in the way they express their inner qualities but those inner qualities are the same…’ This is beautiful – understanding that there are inner qualities common to all men that can be expressed differently. Even in those cases where a man chooses to remain hard and behave in any other way, at his heart is the same love, tenderness and sensitivity.
Keep the boys from the truth of who they are and keep the girls from the truth of who they are and you keep the people from the truth. So we have to reverse that. Let the boys be the truth of who they are and allow the girls to remain the truth of who they are and the people will know the truth in their bodies.
The saying ‘Boys will be Boys’ has been floating around the world for centuries as the most convenient excuse on earth for not being honouring. Thank you for calling it out in this great blog Nicole.
If we supported all boys in the way that you do Nicole, the world would be blessed by a generation of men who were never hurt, crushed and hardened into rough tough men out the outside living life from reaction to their hurt, and lost, angry sad, or devastated on the inside, men who never gave up on their tenderness, men who lived knowing the equalness of all, men and women alike. How would this make a difference in the world.
Nothing melts a man more and asks him to be the man that he is than a woman living her our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, and who allows herself to be vulnerable and fragile, graceful, honest and giving herself permission to be the beauty and power that she naturally is. It undoes all the false making that men have taken on and helps them to finally truly know themselves.
This is a beautiful point of inspiration for every woman… thank you, Alex.
When we hold another in this gentle and tender way they have the opportunity to feel that same quality within them. It is the modelling and stereotypes that we can often fall for or align to in order to make others feel comfortable even though we know that in many cases this is not how they truly feel.
The natural sensitivity and tenderness in men is so beautiful …. and when we, as women, live in our true, precious, nurturing sacredness, men can also be freed up to live as who they truly are;
How may of us as women want men to be strong and tough so that we can feel protected? It’s the ultimate fairy tale stance that absolves us of responsibility. So much pressure is placed on men to fulfill a role that includes taking responsibility for the women in their lives. Yes, it is great to care and feel cared for, but by men taking on too much responsibility it automatically plays into women feeling inadequate or less. In order for us to have a chance of living equally to men we need to be willing to drop the fairy tale image, let the men off the hook, and become fully responsible ourselves. We then have a chance of allowing everyone to be themselves without the tough exterior.
This photograph is properly exquisite and inspires me completely to see the totally natural tenderness in every man.
It’s so true how much we put men in boxes and have expectations for them to perform to our specifications – like robots really…sounds extreme, but it’s not too far from the truth. The same of course happens for women. If we all realised just how much pressure we all put on ourselves and others and realised that we are actually just being played to avoid us all just being who we are, we’d have a far less contracted society.
I have noticed as a man that when I meet another man, I can often feel the guard and protection that is there, but if I don’t give in to that and just meet them as an equal with tenderness, many times I can sense the other man relax and become more at ease and more tender as well. Underneath the hardness and guard there are tender men walking around everywhere.
When excuse boys for their behaviour by saying, “boys will be boys” could it be, in fact, that we are excusing ourselves? From our own behaviours? From not intervening and the fear of being judged and rejected? From ………?
Nicole its really time for us to stop making excuses for behaviors that are not loving, caring or supportive. Time for us to wake up and realise that we can’t treat each other in the way we do and we should not accept to be abused because a group of people would often be abusive.
‘…or is it that we do not want to allow them to be gentle and tender because then we would have to stop and see how far we have fallen from our own lived gentleness and tenderness?’ it is interesting to consider just how much we try to control and manipulate others so that we are not exposed in the results of our own choices – such is our ignorance, arrogance and pride.
I had never truly considered that it is a hurt for boys to not be able to express all their tenderness and sensitivity, but of course it is the most devastating thing to have to hold back who we truly are.
Beautiful blog Nicole, a call to all men to re-develop their true innocence and fragility that is so innately embedded in us. But gets so little exposure, as the stereotype that we created is so different.
‘They are boys.’ This is a common expression that is used to justify boys behaving violently and pushy like any other boys and accepting it as natural. Yet, this is false for there is no real or immanent reason why boys have to behave in a way society considers normal (which is not). The truth is that boys behaving ‘boyish’ is a sign that they have already said yes to shutting down and hardening and discovering the ‘pleasure’ of walking without feeling anything anymore. They have already left themselves behind.
Thanks Nicole, a true testament to what is possible when we allow boys to be boys, from the truth of their essence, rather than from society’s expectations.
…could it be that we avoid nurturing and it suits us to cast others in a box that never asks them to be more or true, less their loving reflection call us to account for own less than true ways.
Absolutely – lets do away with such stigma, labels and branding for men are sensitive, tender and caring and we are confirming them to be otherwise and at odds with their divine nature.
Put like this our next choice is very clear: beyond barriers and defence, interacting with every man knowing they are tender and sensitive – oh wow, how different the world will be.
Yes Nicole, today I am feeling how we measure men back off the most extreme behaviour. If we are not beating each other up, or abusing our partner we would often be considered a ‘good guy’. How sad it is that we have let ourselves be defined by the dysfunctional way it is, instead of the delicacy and tenderness that we know is truly possible. Yes, why not live to this?
It does appear to me that we have created a race of men who are not living true to themselves due to not dealing with our own prejudices and hurts. My feeling is that it is a myth that women want their men to be strong, play the tough role, ‘man-up’, be the provider… for me there is nothing more beautiful than a man who opens up and is not afraid to cry and share his feelings, and allowing his vulnerability to be seen.
The pressure of society to be in a certain way as a boy or girl is enormous but can be simply changed if we as parents allow that innate quality of tenderness and delicateness, that is equally in all of us, to prosper and grow. It only takes one generation to change, as when we raise our boys and girls to allow their inner qualities to be lived, they will then take that with them when they will become a parent and so on. Therefore it is important as a parent to be aware of the fact, that there will always be a reaction from outside that will try to interfere with raising these qualities in boys and girls as the beliefs of how boys and girls should be is strong in our societies and these beliefs will try to remain in reign.
A big part of me growing up as a boy was to deeply investigate something and when it was over, to move on and to perhaps even forget all about it. What I was interested in at age 3 or 4 and how I live today seem to be very different so a lot of changes may be happening for other boys.
“Both boys are completely opposite in the way they express their inner qualities but those inner qualities are the same”
Understanding these inner qualities for both men and women and appreciating the expression of them adds such richness to any group situation.
There is a sacredness that lives within women, this is something I have come to recognise as true and that we have a responsibility for living with this in everyday life to honour it and be nurturing with ourselves because then every man has the opportunity to re-connect with his sacredness also.
There is an old saying ‘women lead, men will follow’… not that I want men to follow, but until women connect to their sacredness, which has always been there, right inside of us, men will continue to falter. The sacred movement groups run by Natalie Benhayon an Karin Becker are supporting many women to re-connect to their sacredness, and now we have men in the groups too, isn’t what just awesome and so very tender to feel that many men are yearning to return to their true nature too.
We have come to expect men to be a certain way. What would we do if we came across a man who was deeply tender and gentle and truly loving? I’m sure most of us would run in the other direction!
Since reading this blog, I have become more aware of the deep sensitivity and tenderness in boys that is noticeably overridden by the dictates of some parents telling them to ‘stop being a whimp or to toughen up and behave like a man’. The shame and humiliation of having this said in earshot of others is palpable and visible in their body movements contracting. No wonder we have so many hurt boys masquerading as tough men in life.
‘Boys wil be boys’ – no I don’t agree with this statement either. Having two sons who had friends and now one grandson, boys can be just as tender and gentle as girls can be, but neither sex always chooses to retain that quality. Our upbringing so far doesn’t honour this quality, but maybe especially so with boys.
I agree – when I watch a lot of boys feeling boisterous I wonder if they notice how much it disturbs others? Actually quite a few times I feel the boys do notice and continuously override that feeling of discomfort that comes from disturbing others.
Men are so sensitive it is beautiful to have constant reminders of this.
‘Boys will be boys’ – just one of so many sayings that we use without consideration of what they mean and how they incarcerate us in stereotypes. ‘Boys will be boys’… I don’t think so either! And the photo with this article touches me tenderly every time.
I was speaking with someone yesterday who was sharing how in her family one of her brother is bisexual, the other does not want to identify by any gender. The route of this, they shared, is that neither relate to the typical Men, typical boys that society show are how you need to be. The sad thing is that society has it all wrong, and what if we simply allowed the deeply tender, caring and loving expression for our children to be who they are and not the picture of what a Man and Boy is supposed to be. Perhaps then we would ask for each other to be who they are, to be truth and the term boys will be boys will no longer be part of our language.
As people we inspire and reflect to each other constantly. When we are more free of ideals and beliefs, we will meet those who also reflect this freedom, or we will inspire those who are ready to let go of a few ideals and beliefs. As a woman, apart from our physicality, men are absolutely held equally as how I know myself to be in the truth of my heart.
Great points you raise Nicole. The present general approach to how a man should be is in essence not only harmful but in truth evil and it could be said to be a major cause underlying the violence and abuse in the world. For if we men were living from our true nature of tenderness how could we ever tolerate, let alone actually perpetrate the horrors that have and continue to occur?
Men who allow their tenderness to be seen are so gorgeous to be around
On the weekend, I was in a swimming pool and observed a dad, with his young son who was just a baby at around one year old. I watched as he dunked the baby under the water with no warning and the baby came up spluttering looking very unhappy – mum looked on in disbelief but said nothing to her partner. The man was laughing and it looked like he honestly thought it was fun for the baby. If the man himself hasn’t ever experienced true tenderness then he wouldn’t have a marker of that to know how to handle a baby with tenderness.
It seems to be the perfect set up, we encourage the boys to harden and then when they grow up we women do not trust them because what we have in front of us is so far removed from who they are, and we sense that there is more and at times expect more, but they find it difficult to get out of the groove that society tells them they should be in – how confusing must that be for them and is it any wonder they then have difficulty in relationships.
‘Boys will be boys’ … I have heard this said so often, what a cop out! Boys are boys, and girls and girls, but first and foremost we are all Love.
I love the idea of a future where everyone can and does express exactly who they truly are without prejudice. We have come along way in just this one life time but still have along way to go. When i was growing up you never saw any boys dress in dresses or put on nail polish and I’m sure if they did it would have be frowned upon, but these days they do and it seems to be quite acceptable. Watch the suicide rates of men plummet if we are able to start fully expressing the gentle tender beings we are.
I love the photo – such a tender touch. I remember when my son was little how he loved that soft touch of a feather, which only really reflected his beautiful tenderness too , and the laughter of delight as well when we played with feathers was beautiful.
Nicole, I feel the absolute truth in what you are sharing in this article, I see how very sweet and gentle young boys are, how they play happily with girls; how they love to express themselves wearing whatever they feel and that young boys love sparkles and anything shiny just like girls and I observe the huge pressure they are under to change, to harden up and toughen up and stop being themselves, this is very sad to see as this toughness is clearly not their true nature.
“Boys will be boys” is smothered in grouping men into a category that squashes their responsibility to the behavior they are choosing. Is this pre-determined excuse and approval something we tolerate when truly we need to say no to anything that encourages boys and men to ‘fit in’?
This is so very true Nicole… “… we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.” How can we expect another to be gentle, tender and loving with themselves and with us, if we are not prepared to be that ourselves?
Absolutely – nurturing begins with ourselves. As mothers, parents, family members, elders, role models, colleagues and friends we have a responsibility to all to live our true quality and allow another the grace to live theirs.
Perhaps we get blinded to the physical differences between the genders, how men are naturally capable in most instances of greater physical strength, and we then associate that this must carry over to feelings. It is a rather blunt conclusion, and one that has done a great deal of harm to the way in which we expect men to behave, and be shut down to the things that are there to be felt, and the sensitivity that is found in all men, no matter how well hidden it becomes.
Children are no different than adults in that we all want to be connected with from our essence and not from what gender we are. Gender is only the outer coat that we take on.
It’s ironic how the world has settled for men being anything but the natural tenderness they innately are and yet this is the most gorgeous and equally as yummy expression of men that could ever be. The fact that we have settled for the opposite exposes more about the true power of men when they are in their essence than it does about the hard and protective behaviours men have adopted
‘Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within.’ This line is so adorable just like we all are in our natural tenderness. I know I grew up using some men’s ill treatment of women as an excuse to be tough and hardened myself. I even instigated situation and arguments to perpetuate this excuse as I wanted to remain a victim and never claim my beauty as a woman.
And it’s a game I can still play on a much more subtle level whenever I seek approval from another and reduce myself and that person to a role (whether it be a boss or someone I put as more authoritative than me). How imposing and uncomfortable that must be to be at the receiving end with no room for a true relationship where we each are seen, heard and met.
If a young man is being anything less than tender and sweet then they are not themselves boys will be boys if they are being themselves., expecting less does not hold men in the absolute beauty they are.
How lovely, that to soon to be young men are encouraged to be who they truly are, and to express their unique qualities, whilst being held by love.
Recently I had 2 boys (age 6 and 7) in my care who sat happily colouring in butterflies and rainbows making a card for another friend. There is no mould for boys when they are left to be themselves.
It is indeed easy to turn the blind eye and pretend we don’t see what is going on when we are in a situation where we are being reflected that we ourselves have hurts or ingrained behaviours that does not support us to stay loving and tender at any given situation. So instead of acknowledging what is being reflected to us we choose to either turn the blind eye or we deal with it with reaction and hardness.
It is freeing, living in a world that is slowly becoming more accepting of the tenderness all men, have buried and suppressed for lifetimes. And, as many have expressed the handing down the old hard mantel of what men should be is fading by us men supporting our sons to express themselves fully.
Now that is something to really appreciate; an inspiring point of inspiration for us now, as we lay the way for our future.
Nicole, it’s true that we, as women, can support men to feel their natural tenderness and sensitivity by reflecting these qualities to them. If we react to them with hardness we are just perpetuating that game where each gender is building up protection for fear of being hurt again. If we connect to our delicate fragility and see through the man’s protective barrier we will see his inner beauty and this will allow him to dissolve his own fears and let down the wall.
Being a man in this world of ours is tough. Super tough and the ever increasing suicide rates in young men is concrete proof that many of my brothers are finding it too much to handle. It is thus my responsibility to allow, express and live every millimetre of tenderness that is in me.
The relationship I have with my sons has been such a catalyst and opportunity for evolution. I deeply appreciate everything they have inspired me to see and change and I deeply appreciate the steps that I have made to nurture this relationship, which is so very different from that which I had with my father – although as I reflect back now I can absolutely feel that it was something that both he and I craved – of course it was – two men cuddling is one of the greatest things on earth!
Women and men have so much to learn about each other when they let go of stereotypes and expectations and allow themselves to feel the tenderness that’s truly there.
Lovely to read the way you describe your two boys and their very different outward expressions whilst holding the same level of tenderness and delicateness within. We do them and all men (and women) a great injustice when we judge them by their exterior and the hardness they so frequently display and are encouraged in.
And it is our approach to today, our willingness to relinquish one layer of ‘protection’ and guardedness, that can and will change everything… step by step and by inspiration.
As a woman I have looked at men and seen their toughness as a challenge for me to be that tough. That was easy. The hard part was to see a gentle and tender man and see how I was not being that at all and that I had to stop fighting the tenderness within myself. I love what is shared here of boys being naturally tender. It is something we don’t acknowledge enough of and yes it is the perfect setup for women to not be in their tenderness either.
It is amazing what little boys will do when they are given their freedom and how it will change over time. I loved exploring something and then just letting it go.
I love that a boy can play with trucks and still be tender – it goes to show how we can break down stereotypes right from the start.
The only reason that boys are the boys we have come to know and expect is because they are not raised to know who they truly are and therefore are lost. All the rough and wayward behaviour is due to this fact. Guide them gently back to their tender gentle selves and they would be so different. It is our role as adults to allow this in them.
“…and I can see how hard it has been for my husband to break down the barriers of protection he has built up around him over the years to hide his own gentleness and tenderness.” – and it isn’t only men who do this. I for one have, and still am breaking down the layers of protection I’ve put around myself over the years to cover up how sensitive I am.
People freak out when you suggest that men can be just as sensitive as women can be, but a great question is a) who decided that in the first place and b) why! We’ve created this picture of ‘tough’ men, without really looking at the true purpose of it, if there is any.
And is it possible that women support the stereotype so that they can avoid their own delicacy and fragility. We all feed these stereotypes because we are all avoiding the responsibility of living our true expressions.
It is beautiful that you took the time to write this Nicole and very beneficial for us all to reflect on all you have shared.
It’s interesting how as women we love the sweet, tender men who are not afraid to show their sensitive or “feminine” side, yet we raise boys to be tough, be a “man” and to not cry – surely there is a contradiction there.
‘Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within.’ This is so beautiful to read, especially when our experience of men to date has been hard-drinking, hard-working and just hard men who have no time for vulnerability.
One of the greatest gifts we can offer young boys is for them to learn to value their tenderness and sensitivity and to feel that in ourselves first as it is then through reflection they get to know themselves for the true beauty that men are.
If young boys were allowed to express how you’ve allowed your sons to express Nicole, they would grow up knowing that it is ok to feel what they feel. Perhaps a very young boy putting on a dress is his way of expressing how tender and delicate he feels.
Do fathers cringe at the idea of their young son wearing a dress or enjoying girly things because of what others may think, or is it because they haven’t felt able to allow themselves to feel tender and at times vulnerable, and that wasn’t encouraged or nurtured when they were young boys?
Maybe a combo of these and other factors, but with insight such as this article offers, we can all choose to call the changes in any given moment.
100% Sandra. My youngest son offers a stillness and delicacy that I have found vey challenging and it is only recently that I have really begun to open up to what it invites me to be. That is the issue that we all need to face – what these beautiful young children expose in us – because that is then what impulses us to parent in a certain way. So if we are not open to that, we will fight it in our children.
Boys from the get-go are encouraged to toughen up and not show their sensitive side…I can only imagine how ‘stunted’ this must feel for boys and men, as in our nature every single one of us is tender and open. It hurts greatly to turn down, deny or not express this aspect of ourselves… (for women too!)
It will be a different world when boys can be boys in truth, and not what the world projects upon them to be.
When men let their incredible tenderness out that’s when they are truly seen for the men they really are.
It is true that there is pure joy, in confirming and supporting another to express and live their innate, natural expression.
“If men stay in their hardness and protection, then it does not challenge us to step out of our own protections and hardness we have created over the years.” This is a cracker Nicole and on the point! Everyone of us has to ask ourselves how much we support men to express there tenderness really, or how much and in which way we like them in fact (and maybe hidden) to stay in their hardness, so we are not called to let go of our protection.
I am in the beautiful position of experience a man becoming more familiar with his tenderness and expressing it more and more. What is very lovely. But also it is asking me to go deeper in my openness and fragility – without giving up on my power or authority at all. This again does call him to expand in his tenderness and so on. So we call each other up and it is a art of living and love to not just accept this call but embrace and appreciate it.
Men are just as capable as women in being tender and caring with others, and when they are, it’s simply divine.
We can be horrified by the acts of violence, domestic violence etc, however we don’t really consider enough how we let ourselves get to this state of affairs. If a child is born super tender and sweet – their natural true expression, then what have we imposed or allowed to come in and crush that expression such that they harden into protection, hurt and cemented a false way of being that is so far from their true selves that the tension can explode into violence.
My patterns of the past are easily exposed through me connecting to my divine essence so I can like Nicole’s partner ‘break down the barriers of protection he has built up around him over the years to hide his own gentleness and tenderness. It has been a long road for him, one that is not yet over and, like so many of us, we are only just beginning to understand what it is to truly live who we are naturally, without the impositions of society.’
“men are extremely gentle, tender and loving and love nothing more than to be held by another and met for who they truly are.” It’s like somewhere along the way we mistook men for our symbol of protection and that means hard, impenetrable armor.
It is surprising just how often we hear ‘boys will be boys’ to explain, and make excuses for, boys behaviour and attitudes. In reality and truth we are doing boys such a dis-service by not teaching them and showing them how to connect to their innate tenderness, vulnerability and grace. It is truly beautiful to be with boys who are allowed, and who allow their tenderness and inner selves to shine.
If we understand that boys are typically the way that we have come to know them to be because they are simply building a protection and a fortress around the beautiful sensitive beings that they are, then we can know that what we have assumed about the nature of ‘boys’ is in fact not true at all, therefore the word ‘boys’ actually means a totally different thing, and once appreciated can deliver us a totally new meaning.
I had given up on so many aspects of life before I met Serge Benhayon who does not hold back his love and deep regard of people, and is never swayed by anything in the steadiness with which he lives and expresses harmony, love and truth, joy and stillness. It is a true gift when someone refuses to give up on you even if you have yourself. Thank you for not being prepared to give up on the tenderness and the delicateness within boys and men and the love with which you have written this blog.
It’s crazy, because there is nothing more attractive than someone standing in their true power and being completely ok with being themselves. Many of us have felt the true confidence of a person, not the kind where they are in your face and pouting to the camera, a true confidence comes from much deeper inside and is always surprising to observe. We love this when we see it, and sometimes we’re jealous of it, but the bottom line is we know it’s true, and that any macho bravado facade act just doesn’t cut it, and is often more awkward and uncomfortable to witness if anything.
Boys are oh so tender, to watch them play in all their grace is quite something. I must question however the forces that are directed at them to cause such a shift from that delicate innocence to some of the reckless behaviours seen in certain ‘men’.
I am inspired every day by how the men and boys around me know repose in ways which are foreign to me, and with their understanding and reflection these are areas I can deepen more.
And that’s beautiful that you take that as inspiration to be more understanding with yourself. Rather than reject their tenderness as Nicole has shared occurs throughout society. I feel inspired to be curious as to what the men in my life could reveal to me about repose. Thank you.
I love when you talk about a mans inner quality being no different to a woman’s. I think we can quickly overlook quality when we only want to see the physical – but quality is so important. As a woman I have learnt from men who are so gentle and I am humbled to see that a man can be an inspiration to me. It is gorgeous and shows me that I can really deepen my tenderness.
Men are truly divine, tender and sensitive no different to us all but with a quality, lived in their essence of truth that is a deeply needed reflection in the world.
I love how you have pointed out that we all have the same inner quality, regardless of being a woman or a man – how often do we stop and consider that in real life? Don’t we usually expect men to be tougher, all the way through?
I can relate with some of what you share here Nicole, with having raised two tender, loving and sensitive boys who were very different in many ways, but at the same time those inner qualities were the same.
I appreciate deeply that I know men who are choosing to let go of the lifestyle that was created out of a society which puts men in boxes and instead embrace their true nature of sensitivity and tenderness – it is beautiful to be able to sit and talk openly with them without any competition or judgement and hugely supportive for me or any other men who interact with them who is also choosing to allow their own true qualities to be expressed.
Many of us as parents can want our children to grow up and be a certain way, perhaps because of experiences we have had that we regretted, or attachments about something we feel is important to us etc…and when we get to realise that this is actually an imposition, not allowing them to live their life and make their own choices, then begins the true process of letting go. And when you do this, you get to see your child unfold in ways you had not realised – this in itself is a gift and a blessing so worth the work of letting go of our expectations and impositions on both ourselves and another. True freedom for a child, a parent and in parenting.
“And if men stay in their hardness and protection, then it does not challenge us to step out of our own protections and hardness we have created over the years.”- So true- I can feel that by not addressing my own issue with not letting my protection down and letting people see who I truly am- tender, loving , divine beauty, I then stop men from feeling that reflection in themselves also.
Boys and men are just as sensitive as girls and women. We are to allow our boys to stay tender and express their love and care. I’m learning myself how much I do feel and how much I’ve developed a radar for coping with manipulation or untruths. I thought that I expressed a lot, but boy oh boy do I hold back. Only through reflection of space am I now learning to keep expressing, also if I’m not completely sure what I feel. I don’t have to be perfect.
Love the depth of your sharing Floris, as I also am finding I have a lot to learn when it comes to being a truly tender man.
Such a beautiful blog honouring the beautiful qualities that men posess but not so often show. It is our responsibility to live this and show to the younger generation that it is okay to be this tender and precious.
“And so instead, are we choosing to turn a blind eye when their behaviour becomes wayward because we do not quite know how to respond to it due to our own level of shutting down and hardness?” I would agree with this, it’s the awkward situation of how do I respond to this or that which causes the greatest issue and distress. We see stuff going on, people not being who they are yet use lines like “boys will be boys” to brush over the hurt, abuse and disregard we feel. It’s great to talk about this as it effects everyone across the world.
Thank you for this call out to all of us to recognise what being a man truly is, instead of painting a picture of what we think it is supposed to be.
For years I worked in an early learning centre with a predominately male learning environment. What stood out the most was not what the children wanted to play but how they had been conditioned into what they were expected to play. It was if they needed permission to paint, draw, dress up and enjoy learning through mediums that were considered a female choice yet their innately inquisitive and creativity impulses were pulling them towards these centres of learning. When our children are seeking permission to express what they feel is true are we looking at the level of images and ideals that we can be seeking from society as a form of permission too?
I have recently experienced how being around and talking with other men who are working to let go of a way of being learnt due to hurts experienced can further support me to go deeper and further honour my sensitivity and tenderness and expose what I may hold onto under the illusion of protection.
Thank you Nicole for opening the conversation “boys will be boys”. I have sons and Grandsons in my life and each one has had individual traits , but all have within such beauty and gentleness when allowed to express themselves deeply. I feel blessed to have them in my life and have learnt much from them all.
When we stick to pictures or ideals around how a man/boy should be, we stop them from expressing who they truly are which is very tender and caring, and we are not seeing the real person. When we truly tune into another, gender and how that gender needs to be, just do not exist.
Why do we accept and allow these inner qualities more from women than from men – is it a cop-out for us as women? Its ok for us to be gentle, tender, delicate, etc but men have to be the strength and power so then we don’t have to come into our own inner strength and power?
“Yes, men have a body that is physically designed to be able to lift or carry more than women, but their inner quality does not differ to ours.” We box men because of their physical strength – therefore they ‘have’ to be strong. As women we also have a physical strength in being able to give birth – a different kind of strength, or stamina some may call it – but we don’t box women in with this. However, the point is as you say Nicole… our inner qualities are equally the same in essence, so why do we accept and allow these qualities more from women than from men?
I am inspired by the fact that we are moving out of the incarceration of stereotypes and imposition about how we should be as a certain gender, in a certain job etc. I am meeting more and more men as the ‘teddy bears’ they are and there is such strength in their tenderness.
Once again I have witnessed today the absolute tenderness and sweetness that young boys are innately. The fact that many grow up not living this is something that should stop us in our tracks and ask deeply what is it that we are doing that destroys this natural expression.
I agree, Vanessa, and have been deeply inspired by the sensitivity and insightfulness of the boys and young men I have met in my work recently.
‘Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within. To do that, we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.’ Love this Nicole – so very true.
I see so many boys (and girls) screaming for role models. For role models that say no to any form of verbal and physical abuse. And also role models who allow to express both their sensitivity, fragility and power. All natural qualities and not a show or put-on. Our boys are to be heard from day 1 they are born. They are our future generation. And if we want our world to be a more caring and loving world, we’re to allow them to show their tenderness and care.
It is like once we let down our guards and be who we naturally are then this supports all those around us to be the same. To be able to support young boys to be tender and delicate like they want to be is something that has been long forgotten, because we as women have also shutdown and suppressed our natural delicate, sweet and fragile qualities too. When we stop and look at this, why have we hardened and suppressed such beautiful qualities?
I love to be connected and feel my sensitivity. Although I’m still learning to fully accept so and be with this true me in the world. The world’s not asking men to be sensitive, caring, tender, cute and expressive. Yet, we’re most naturally all these qualities and so much more. To appreciate who we truly are is hugely important. Men loving men is very lovely as well as very needed!
We can also label ourselves, make a choice to take on a particular way of being in life e.g. a ‘rebel’, a ‘nice’ person etc. These labels are often more insidious and ingrained, however they are a choice, and so there is also a choice to change these behaviours if we are truly open and willing to change.
Sayings, or labels, such as “Boys will be boys” boxes people into a behaviour that often becomes their way of living life… a false way of being in life that isn’t true to who they naturally and innately are, and which can take a deep inner strength and willingness to then break out of later in life.
Yes these labels we bander about become the bars that incarcerate us in roles and stereotypes. We have a choice not to perpetuate these sayings and not to be infected by them.
This saying dismisses the boys involved and doesnt allow or encourage them to express what is truly going on for them… they are left with the result of whatever is going on with no way of dealing with it.
Is it perhaps the responsibility of all adults to be the constant and loving reflections that our children require in order to grow up in to adults who are the constant and loving reflections that children require?
I have noticed the more openly I express my tenderness, the more I see it in other men. We have been raised to believe we must be hard, soft is not acceptable. What is wrong being a teddy bear?
So spot on Nicole, the true change and responsibility comes from us living all the love and tenderness we are, from here all is lived and reflected with this quality.
‘boys will be boys’ – and i guess also ‘girls will be girls’ too, though only when both sexes live the love they are born with as newborns and keep hold of as they grow supported by their families, to then know the truth behind the essence and equal joy there is in being a man or a woman.
This saying is such a set up and get out of jail free card! We are not asking boys to become men rather we encourage them to be irresponsible. No one wins.
I prefer – gentlemen will be gentle men.
It’s dangerous to fall into an attitude such as ‘boys will be boys’ without stopping to question it. The more we fall into it the more we feed it, therefore it is less likely for anyone to expect or cherish a different way.
The images of the way we should be as boys and girls, as men and women, destroy the love magic that is there within us and between us. The images are conflicting and so our relationships are conflicting. Once we know we are of the same beautiful essence, then our ‘maleness’ and ‘femaleness’ will know how to express.
We all know how divine it is to be around a tender man, it’s a wonder (but not wonderfull at all) why we try to squash the tenderness out of boys.
One of my sons loves make-up and getting his nails done, we recently attended the Girl to Woman Festival and before the event he said that he wished that he could have his makeup done there. I explained to him that he should just go for it but he was convinced that he would be teased if he was in public, he did his nails and got face paint instead. It made me sad that we are still suppressing our boys and men in this way as a society.
The absolute beauty of men expressing in their tenderness is so deeply warming inside and for this to be allowed in our boys growing up is an amazing marker for humanity and us all individually to express freely who we truly are. What a gift Nicole you share with your boys big and small and for all girls and women also to go deeper into our sacredness and the honouring of ourselves from our natural innocence and love.
I can see observing my own son and his experiences at school that there is an understandable temptation to encourage our boys and men to be hard and tough and join in with the crowd because it will help them to survive in a hard and sometimes tough and ugly world. If you honour your natural tenderness as a boy or as a man in this world you stand out and appear to be strange. But is this really strange or our natural way that has just become rare? It is obvious to me that the hard and tough approach is not working for anyone, so maybe it is time to take a stand and start a quiet tenderness revolution in men?
Just looking at a baby boy and a baby girl it is very obvious that there is no difference whatsoever in their tendeness and delicateness. They are equal in their preciousness. So it is also very obvious that we have created a world where we make them to be something else, taking them away from their natural tenderness. But this also shows that we innately know our true qualities and just need to allow ourselves to be more aware of them so that we can step by step live them more, returning to the naturally tender and caring beings that we are.
I love what you have said here Nicole about the innocence of a man being truly beautiful. As a child I used to register this often with my father as he would point out delightedly a little bird on a branch, or when he fed a baby echidna with an eye-dropper and brought it up until it could leave home – the echidna’s mother had been run over in the street. No matter that I was a kid, this ‘innocence’ of my father was very noticed by me, and was like a breath of fresh air in the midst of a world of ‘tough men’. I know he had his hurts, as he communicated to me sometimes about the fact that he was not the favoured brother in his family, had been demoted in his teaching job because of his political views and ideas about brotherhood, and many other things, and yet he always had this innocence which I loved. Many years ago when I was visiting him in hospital one day, he smiled at me with an innocence and beauty that touched me to the very core, and died about 2 hours later. I just could not be sad about him passing over as the beautiful feel of the hospital room and that smile just stayed with me.
‘Yes, men have a body that is physically designed to be able to lift or carry more than women, but their inner quality does not differ to ours.’ To recognise the innate tenderness that is in all of us is to also expose just how far we are living from who we truly are, with a hardness and a push that is not natural.
As a women living in the fast pace of modern society it can be very confronting to be in the presence of a man connected to his tenderness and sensitivity. In these moments we can feel just how much we push our bodies through life.
Well said Richard something that is much needed in our world. I am fortunate enough to know several young men who have been nurtured in this way and they are totally gorgeous. There is a natural tenderness within them that they do not hide, they are confident simply being who they are without compromising what feels true for them. It is a complete joy to be in the comapny of any one of these young men.
It is sad to think how we impose our beliefs and ideals on our children about how they should be rather than raising them to have their own unique expression.
Right at the start of this blog, there is asked of us an epic question, about our own part that we play as women in the development of sweet and tender boys in to disrespectful hardened men. This question is essentially a massive stop. Because for so long men have been touted in society as being wrong for being so tough and insensitive – with all of the blame given to them or their fathers. But what if it actually is a lack of sensitivity and tenderness – or even sacredness – being lived by women that is the real issue? What if we are capable of holding so much grace through the quality in which we move our bodies, that with this comes a pure reflection of heaven on earth, and as such – everyone will know the quality of what they bring to life.
So well said Nicole: ‘For many boys, the pressures, ideals and beliefs of how they should be become too much, so they succumb to how they think they should be. Meanwhile there is a trapped little boy within, just waiting to be met for who he truly is, and when he feels safe, and feels met, what you are met back with is absolutely glorious: the innocence of a man is truly beauty-full.’ The placing of people in boxes and the tyranny of images that must be lived up to to be acceptable is a crime against humanity. We can dissolve the walls of these constructs in our own lives and by example show the way.
After years of trying to play out the roles and images I thought I needed to in order to be accepted, I now realise that there is nothing more precious than the heartfelt expression of what is deep within each person.
I love the fact that your boys are encouraged to express according to their heart, to play, cry, dress up or cuddle as they feel to. We all flourish when we are supported to stay in touch with our feelings and express what is in our heart.
Love the imagery of this photo Nicole, the delicate tenderness (of the feather) that is the strength of true manliness.
It is as though there is an unspoken pressure from parents that boys need to be raised as boys – and thus continually shaped and defined as boys and treated differently to girls. Is there a trepidation of what boys and girls will be without the shaping? if we were to instead allow who they really are?
Over the years I have heard much discussion around men being innately gentle and tender but feel they can’t allow that to show. Reading your blog I realise in these discussions we haven’t brought the deeper understanding that if men were to live their innate gentleness, women will be exposed where they are not themselves living their gentleness and thus raises the question are we actually sitting in the comfort of the status quo?. This gorgeous blog is for us all to consider if we are holding ourselves in protection or surrendering into the deeply tender and sensitive men and women we naturally are.
Gorgeous article Nicole, what you are sharing here about boys feels so true, ‘as if they think they have a particular image they have to live up to – that they should be playing with trucks and cars and not dolls, or heaven forbid, wear a dress in public or want to have their nails painted.’ My son is 6 and still very innocent, he loves having his nails painted, wearing lipstick and pink and fluffy, shiny things, he loves teddies and cuddles. He had a friend come round the other day who said his room was like a toddlers room with butterflies and teddies, my son agreed although a little bemused, the other boy was laughing about how he used to have his nails painted as if it was not cool. In this moment I could feel the pressure that comes from other children and from society, how boys want to fit in and not be seen as uncool or ‘girly’ and how strong and confident in themselves they must be to stay the gentle, sweet boys they naturally are. It feels like there are such set behaviours that boys are expected to fit into, even set things they should like and not like, it is so narrow and not who they are.
For men to let go of the roles they have taken on they need to accept who they really are from the qualities within. This in truth is fairly simple to do however the constant messages from society and these within it are what cause the protection to remain. Having those men who have already chosen to go through this process or who are growing up being allowed simply to be themselves starts the ball rolling as it gives permission and an opportunity for another to simply honour who they are and feel the sensitivity and tenderness they truly are.
I sometimes hear my friends complaining about men, but I am aware that we as women play a huge part how they express in this world today. I often observe how deep the attachment between mothers and their already adult and married boys are. There is more attachment felt than the freedom of love and the appreciation of their fragility and tenderness.
Yesterday I had an interaction with a man whom I could feel was deeply hurt and had not been honoured for the tender loving person he is. The protection was palpable and his defences were at the ready, expecting attack. I just listened and made minimal comment; I could feel the judgemental thoughts close by, however by bringing understanding to this moment they were easily kept at bay. Tenderness and warmth are essential for our boys and men (indeed every single one of us) to experience – if not it is like something in the oxygen that we breathe is missing and we are gasping for it throughout our life and our interactions with others is so far from the innate quality we know it can be.
What becomes very clear reading through your blog Nicole is the responsibility each and every one of us has to follow the innate wisdom and truth within us, and to encourage and inspire others to also live from their truth. It only takes one to inspire another, who inspires another and another – like a domino effect… for the way we live as a humanity to harmonise in brotherhood.
This is a conversation long overdue… all the ideals and beliefs and expectations we as a society impose on ourselves – men, women, boys and girls.
It is time to learn, live and inspire others in a naturally harmonious way of living and being in this world that comes from the very core of our being – our innate wisdom and truth within.
It is sad to see that the moment a child is born they are met with labels, colours, expectations amongst many ideals and belief as to how their lives are expected to be. You only have to look through a toy store or a children’s clothing shop to see the way marketing machine splits girls and boys into two camps; into pink or blue, doll or tractor, ballet shoes or football, the programming is there from day one. It is up to us to be the role models that these precious children of ours deserve, role models that reflect a true way to live not one that keeps them separate from who they naturally are.
It’s interesting that there isn’t a saying ‘women will be women’ and if there was, what would that even mean today?
Before reading your blog, Nicole, I hadn’t stopped to consider the far reaching consequences of even ‘thinking’ this statement, ‘Boys will be Boys’, let alone saying it and believing it. It’s confirming men/boys to be something they are not, rather than choosing to separate the behaviour from the person.
‘I know a lot of fathers cringe at the very idea of their son wearing a dress or wanting to learn ballet – some because they are afraid of their son being teased by other boys, or because the fathers are worried about what other people will think of them; that if their son does girly things or behaves ‘girly,’ it is a direct reflection of how they are in their own masculinity. This, for some, is a huge challenge.’ A great point Nicole to bring up. It can be a huge challenge as there are such massive and strongly held pictures about the way a man should be, and one’s sons (and daughters) are often perceived to be reflections of ourselves as parents. When we are sure and consistent about our own worth and value, and when we realise that each child is absolutely their own person with their own expression, and that we do not own them but are their guardians /carers until they are old enough to fly the nest, then we will be able to simply observe that this boy here likes ballet, and this girl here likes hammers.
My dream for the future is that all boys from young are encouraged and supported to express and live the gentleness, tenderness they are. You and your partner are doing amazing job going against the trend and for sure you will reap the benefits. All young men should have this opportunity.
I love what you have written here Nicole we talk about equality so often and if their inner quality does not differ to ours we have to start some new conversations.
Just the title of this blog and the phrase ‘boys will be boys,’ lets males off the hook to excuse bad behaviour and lets the rest of us off the hook because we are shrugging our shoulders and saying its no point challenging this. Thanks so much for flagging this up as something we all need to take responsibility for.
All the boys in my life are that tenderness, sweetness and gentleness that you write about, Nicole. Currently the world does not support this and I love your call to women to step up to their responsibility of living their preciousness so that men can lay down their armour and open up to their innate, incredible, exquisite qualities.
It feels amazing how your boys are cherished in their tenderness and fragility. This is what we need on earth, that men find back to their natural tenderness and are supported to express this.
We constantly refer to the opposite gender as a reference point for what we should be. Like a game of never ending ping pong we define ourselves by what the other sex has done. ‘If women live like this then for me as a man I should be stronger and harder’. ‘If I want to have power as a woman in this world I should do as men do, it seems to work for them so well’. But what if none of this were true? What if we all are living, entangled in a gender rat race, when the real essence of who we are is divine, tender, delicate and direct from the stars? When we start to consider this as a reality we can see we have been living a lie compared to what we are naturally designed to be. Thank you Nicole.
Beautifully said Joseph… the lie we choose to live at this point in time is absolutely nothing compared to the gloriousness of where we come from and who we innately and truly are.
“Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within”. This is so true and I deeply felt this with my children too. It was very strong when they were little, and it changed for a while during teenage years, and now I have noticed and see this gentle and loving way of being emerging again – so awesome to behold.
This story touches my heart Mary, thank you. How often do we pigeon-hole someone because of our own thoughts and expectations while if given half a chance and if greeted with love and openness they would show us how gorgeous they really are deep inside.
When I see the photos of myself as a child I see and feel within myself all the tenderness and fragility that you talk about Nicole. So 60 years on I can still feel the sensitivity of a young boy who had all his senses and was not shut down!
“Seeing the love our boys are, how they live and hold us in this, for me reflects how I am with myself, and I can see how, as my partner deepens and develops his love for himself, it exposes where I am not loving with myself.”
So true Nicole, I have observed the depth of tenderness my husband has allowed, i have seen the grace this brings to our family, our children – offering our two boys a role model that does not need to be tough to face the world and offering my daughter and I a level of surrender and trust that is naturally sweet and loving.
I have to come back to this line as I feel myself melt when I read it “Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within.” it is so true, and my whole body agrees that I deeply deserve to nurture and honour myself and to be treated that way.
Would there be such high rates of suicide and illness in men if they were given permission to be their natural selves, what they were born with, the tenderness, warmth, loving natures they ought to be allowed to be? We do as a society deny them that and it is hurting all of us deeply yet there is a way out which you have beautifully demonstrated Nicole. We can all take some of the responsibility for bringing about change.
Boys will be boys” – an excuse to justify a 1000 ways to deny a man’s true nature and justify ill-fitting and damaging coping mechanisms that destroy men’s lives in so many ways.
Men, woman, boy, girl. transgender, genderless.. we are all sensitive beings capable of expressing this from and through our body.
This is so fantastic, I would love it if we could send out a global message to all men that said – we love it when you’re sensitive and tender and naturally you – women don’t need you to be tough or rough or a provider, we simply need you to be you.
What is it in men that we find it so hard to be vulnerable, and moreover find it hard to accept vulnerability in other men. It is such a stifling condition we have created where we play be these rules of being hard, and stoic, and reserve the real us. What a regarded way of life to go through wearing a mask, pretending to be invincible and making ourselves sick in the process. Why do we not look at the growing rates of prostrate cancer and question what it is that might be causing such disease within the male body. Might our lack of embracing gentleness have it’s part to play!
Beautifully shared Nicole, thank-you. What I have experienced is that a man truly in touch with who he is, not needing the ‘hard shell’ or front, completely shows me a whole new level of how I may honour myself as a woman – to a point that is completely revolutionary.
I see many women standing in a kind of assumption that as women we hold qualities which are (somehow…) ‘more’ gentle or tender than men, and I also witness many women struggle to communicate and relate to a man who holds his true qualities in all of their magnificence. Such a man is oftentimes avoided, or completely misinterpreted… Interesting stuff!
Are we truly seeing what men bring to this world? I would say that as women, our eyes are still quite veiled by virtue of the hurts and guards we ourselves have not yet let go… and that we have so much yet to learn, from each other.
‘I know a lot of fathers cringe at the very idea of their son wearing a dress or wanting to learn ballet – some because they are afraid of their son being teased by other boys, or because the fathers are worried about what other people will think of them; that if their son does girly things or behaves ‘girly,’ it is a direct reflection of how they are in their own masculinity.’ – It is interesting how we as a society have made it all about what the outer world thinks about us, rather than making it about true connection, appreciation and absolute honour of each and every individual.
There’s so so so much tenderness in boys and men. As this is – yet – not recognized, let alone appreciated in our ‘modern’ society, met try to hide their sensitivity at all cost. Yet missing themselves deeply. No wonder that behaviour of so many children is out of hand. They’ve never been met and hold the ‘world’ to ransom. Of course this isn’t true, but as they’re strongly identified by what they do, they’ve lost sense to what is truly them and what isn’t. The more protection, the more they actually crave for being truly met. As a man I’ve come back to myself and indeed slowly recognize and accept that I am actually very tender, sweet, sensitive, playful, sexy, caring, loving etc. I might lose it a million times, but this will never take away the fact that I am the man than I just described. Men are adorable, just as women!
It is in the pictures that of manhood that keeps us all from expressing and receiving the beautiful qualities that men in their essence bring. As a boy grown up in a world where there are many pictures of how I should be never truly felt at ease or never felt the truth of who I am in that but fell for the pressure, and am learning to live and appreciate the sensitivity and tenderness that I am.
Boys are true gentlemen, and when honoured as such the results are simply astounding!
Very true Michael, men are naturally gentle-men and when this is honoured it blows me away with the level of tenderness and care they not only hold for themselves but everybody else
I love your expression Michael and it is one hundred percent true, and very beautiful too.
It is inspiring to read of parents who are raising their children to express from their own true expression rather than what they, as parents, or society needs or wants them to be.
The values of old are slowly dying. One needs only look at the evolution of technology in our children’s short lifetime. This blog discussing and allowing a son to express how He feels, would this have been a family secret not that many years ago! It is said the meek shall inherit the earth or will the strength of self-love and tenderness, allow no one ever, having to be less.
‘Boys will be boys’ is usually a remark when we let people get away with bad behaviour but sometimes it could also be said about a particularly joyful group of boys or men who are not hurting anyone. Mostly, though, the sentence is probably not a good sign.
How gorgeous Nicole that you allow your boys to express their true essence in a natural way; without the influence of societal pressures as to how boys should be. Of course this applies to boys, girls men and women, the key is expressing our true essence with love and truth; without ideals, beliefs and pictures.
It is a great revelation that when a partner develops and deepens the level of love for themselves, they show the other partner up if this same level of love is not lived by them. And that this may trigger the other partner to be uncomfortable. This shows how we can get into a comfortable loop of keeping the status quo when no one deepens their own love in order to avoid the other persons reaction and they certainly do not encourage the other to be more loving as they do not want to feel exposed for living less of that. It does clearly bring home if we ever want any change it is us who has to start living that change.
‘Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within.’ This is so beautiful, and a lovely way to remind us that we are all tender and that the hardness we have developed through our teenage years into adulthood is not natural for either men or women.
I love how you have pointed out Nicole, that not only between the sexes are there differences in expression, but even within the same sex, as with your boys…..they express in their own unique ways, but their inner quality, the gentleness and sensitivity that they are within, is the same, as it is within us all.
Being ‘shut down and hard’ is our accepted way of being. So common in fact that we have no idea that that is how we are. What a truly sad state of affairs, not just for our kids but for all of us.
Boys will be boys if you mould them into them, if you just let them be, then they will simply be an untainted and divine part of life.
“Meanwhile there is a trapped little boy within, just waiting to be met for who he truly is, and when he feels safe, and feels met, what you are met back with is absolutely glorious: the innocence of a man is truly beauty-full” – and so too the innocence of a woman to make the relationship a truly beautiful one, full of true love.
You share with us the truth of the saying “Boys will be Boys” ! I agree that boys are just as gentle and loving as girl, as I have two of both. To expect a little boy to be brave and not cry when he is hurt while his little sister is allowed to be herself, expressing through tears her upset, is so out of balance. When we see male and female as the same, then that equality will make a huge difference to how we relate to all.
Our expression should never be limited by our gender, but supported as we embrace the true qualities we can live in a man or woman’s body.
A beautiful blog that is asking us to simply look at it from an angle of absolute appreciation to what we can bring to our families, friends, neighbours, people around etc. by supporting ourselves to be more gentle and unique in our own ways. Simply , we need to be nothing else but ourselves. Thank you Nicole for expressing this and letting us know.
‘if men stay in their hardness and protection, then it does not challenge us to step out of our own protections and hardness we have created over the years.’ … so true, Nicole, and very revealing. This is how we fall into relationships of ‘convenience’ where we choose to stay comfortable, rather than choosing truth and evolution, allowing our love to pull us to a deeper level of connection and responsibility, with ourselves, each other and everyone else.
Yes, a man can feel very vulnerable when his partner is open and loving.
Providing a loving foundation for your sons like this allows them to feel free to express their true qualities naturally and without expectation or judgement. This is so important not only for them but because of the knock on effect of this being reflected by them to other boys and men that meet them and get to feel this way of being. They are then offering a choice to so many others too that they can also live and express their true qualities.
Those are great statements to let go of pictures which hold us imprisonned in untruth.
The fact that men are concerned that ‘ if their son does girly things or behaves ‘girly,’ it is a direct reflection of how they are in their own masculinity’, shows how they are already conflicted and insecure in their own masculinity. If they were not, if they were truly embracing all that they are, including their gentle sensitivity, it would not bother them at all. It is perfectly natural for children to explore wearing different clothes and colours, heels, no heels, it’s gorgeous as it shows they’ve not yet been tainted by the terrible ‘pictures’ that plague our society, dictating what is ok and what is not …. says who? It’s time to let go of those false beliefs for good.
It is unwise to label anything in life for in doing so we are blinded from receiving what is before us with fresh eyes and an open heart.
This is such an important topic and one that is desperately needed so we stop bringing our boys up to be so disconnected from there inner beauty, where the real strength and power lies!
‘I hear so much about “boys will be boys”, but what does that really mean?’ – This common expression is terribly imposing of boys and men alike – it is like we have put them all in one giant prejudiced box.
Allowing a boy to play in dress ups or do so called girly things can be a challenge for men, as it can reflect on how they have chosen to be as a man in the world, and can bring up ideals around how a boy should play as the norm. Great to have a truer view here Nicole, to bring some understanding and insight into our stereotypical views that definitely need changing.
I think deep down we all know that the hard and tough way of living is not it – neither for boys/men or for girls/women. To make it ‘normal’ that men are hard and tough it also gives us women in a way an excuse to not be tender or go deeper in intimacy with each other as in being closer together (not per se having intercourse!). It cements both men and women in a ‘comfortable’ possition that I think deep down we all do not find comfortable at all!
We can not expect a man to be a tender lover and a brute or ‘one of the boys’ everywhere else. Men deserve to enjoy the fact they are tender in every aspect of their lives.
When men express from their tenderness, women just melt. When women express from their stillness, men can be tender.
So key Carmel, if women where coming from their stillness men would have permission to be the gentlemen they truly are.
If as parents we can support our boys to express the truth of themselves while they grow up, this support simply allows boys to connect back to who they are and express it, this is a trust that they will have with them while growing up and a foundation they can always come back to in life, re-confirming themselves.
Your contribution about men and boys is so awesome and shows that there is another way; a way that supports men’s innate tenderness and delicateness and supports them to express what they are feeling.
This is a great blog, inspiring us to take responsibility for how we raise our children. I have children too and I deeply appreciate what you’ve shared Nicole. We certainly need to step up our level of responsibility when it comes to raising our children, and I am totally up for this and any inspiration I receive is a huge bonus. I love learning from other parents and share notes on parenting as I have found parenting is one of the biggest responsibilities I have said yes to, and I am continuously learning all the time, from my children and people around me.
Thank you for calling us all to what we deep down know is true and live it and freeing us from the pictures of what we think we should be.
It is gorgeous, Nicole, to hear about the different qualities of your sons, and how they are able to express themselves and feel equally cherished just as they are.
What a beautiful understanding, that our innate qualities are equal in all of us, yet our way of expressing ourselves is unique to each of us. I feel incredibly settled and at ease when I feel how it is to be understood in this way in a family setting growing up with brothers and sisters. It would bring a stop to comparison and jealousy, trying and competing, these things would not be entertained as part of the family dynamics.
There are many ideals we should challenge in life, perhaps none so great as the way we expect women and men to be in order to fit into society.
“Let’s not live in a way that keeps us shut down from the closest ones or humanity”. This is a call which needs to be heard and taken deeply into consideration as how often we shut down from our own family members as they often raise the biggest hurts in us.
We have to stop with allowing that boys and men are raised to be hard and tough for it not only hurts the individual man, but all of us. We are all missing out on life if we allow men not to be who they truly are as in that we are excluding our societies 50% of the population to express that natural quality of tenderness, sensitiveness and care. How different would our societies look like if we would let go of these beliefs?
‘Let all sons have the role models they need and deserve, and let’s not live in a way that keeps us shut down from those closest to us, or humanity.’ … Amen. We do not have to be blood relatives to be a role model in someone’s life. We are all walking role models, it’s easy to underestimate the impact we can have even in the simplest gesture.
We all have the power to change this ‘false labeling’ by simply choosing to live who we are and to connect with the true essence of our boys/men, to know them for their true nature, even when they are not choosing to live it for themselves. If we are not choosing to do this, then it’s for each of us to question why, what is holding us back? I can feel for myself that this is definitely a work in progress, I know the consistency of my livingness is a little bumpy, however, it’s our commitment that is important, with commitment progress is made.
Knowing that boys are by nature tender, sensitive, caring, which means that all men are also, has had a profound impact on my understanding that when I witness bullying, insensitive behaviour, rough, tough and hard-skinned displays, this is not their true essence but an armour of protection they have adopted because of undealt with hurts. It is more obvious to me than ever that to combat unsocial and bullying behaviour is not through punishing and marginalising the person, but aside from the need to learn about accountability and the consequences of our choices, what is required is a greater level of love and honouring which invites and supports the reopening of our heart.
“Meanwhile there is a trapped little boy within, just waiting to be met for who he truly is, and when he feels safe, and feels met, what you are met back with is absolutely glorious: the innocence of a man is truly beauty-full.”…quite often I observe men and I see the trapped little boy within, just waiting to be met. And when they are, it is truly glorious. I support how you are raising your boys and the call for true role models for our young boys and men.
Beautifully expressed. This would make a great study Richard; how boys have abandoned their innate sensitivity to fit in and prove their so called manliness. I am sure there have been studies done but I wonder to what extent they have really covered the impact of this. I can feel how the evil intent to thwart true expression meets the temporal demands of capitalism, family and other physical and social norms. This is big!
The title of this blog alone suggest that you have not accepted the stereotypical view of boys or men Nicole, but entered much more deeply into the relationship with who we all are and then held this against how men/boys have been duped into behaving and living in a way that is not true. I appreciate the myths you are cracking here and the invitation to support our men and boys to be who they truly are.
A very beautiful article that inspires me to see every man’s tenderness before the outer shell they have developed over the course of their lives.
I agree Matilda, it inspires us to be willing to look for the true essence of every boy and man.
Yes true and we can apply this to women as well.
If we expect ourselves to be tough, we are pretending that we are not feeling everything that is going on, when in truth we still feel everything but spend energy denying it and making a reality which looks like we don’t feel much.
As I am opening up more to my delicateness as a woman I am beginning to appreciate qualities in men of a different kind to my earlier years. I no longer admire tough masculinity or false confidence. Instead I appreciate a true gentleman – one who is truly gentle, and one who does not need to prove anything. Men do not need to be bound by the expectations of society. After all we all make up society, so surely we all have a say. We have the power to change the pressure that we put on men to be a certain way.
I see this force in society being placed on my son as I watch him grow, show he care’s, be gentle, not join in with rough play, enjoy caring for dolls, cuddling babies and whoosh, he is in opposition to the pervasive way of living as a man. He loves himself and his body, he cares for him self and others and I can see that what society says men are, does not sit with him well. The pressure is immense to conform and ‘toughen up’ as it is called. I feel the responsibility of supporting him to be who he is, as does his father, and I understand that the greatest support I can offer to to claim who I am with no hesitation. On this we work and walk together.
Part of the reason that we as a society have excuses for the behaviour of groups, in this case ‘boys will be boys’ is that in bringing truth to this and offering an alternative we know that we must all also look at our own way of being. So often we make allowances for our children due to our own choices to not be responsible or open to what is truly happening in our own lives.
There is profound truth in what you have shared Michael. We can turn a blind eye to what we can sense needs addressing if we are not prepared to look at any areas that the issue may reflect in our own lives. This can more accurately be re-phrased as we will choose to let another go downhill because we want to maintain our own level of comfort.
‘Boys will be boys’ is a very damaging label that is a way of both sweeping things under the carpet and condemning boys and men to something far less than they are. All labels or sayings that we apply to anyone should be continually re-looked at, heard when we utter them, and felt to the very bone. We constantly reinterpret truth and one of the very few ways we can double check to make sure we are not re-interpreting is to stay connected to our bodies . . . and not go off multiplying fantasies in La La Land.
“I feel this “boys will be boys” label needs to be addressed and boys need to be seen for who they truly are, and as women we know exactly how that is – and men, so do you, because we can all feel it”. Hear hear. Thank you for calling it out. We are all so much more aware of all aspects of life than we conveniently let on.
‘Boys will be boys’ – How dis-honouring is it to put an entire gender in one box, and how important is it for all of us to look honestly at the pictures and expectations we place on boys – and of course the same with girls. Every boy and girl is born with their own unique expression.
Boys will be tender and transparent in everything they do when they are allowed to stay connected to their essence instead of being given a license to drive hard and fast to get away from the equality Nicole is talking about. Slowing down so that I can take the time to feel my essence and then how I am walking and expressing allows me to reconnect with my tenderness so it is never too late. As I listen to my body more I feel the times when I disconnect from my tenderness and the sooner I feel this disconnection the easier it is to return to my essence which is part of my tenderness.
Yes, indeed. Any time we pigeon hole someone, it is because we have shut down a part of ourselves which narrows our view of another – love does not differentiate gender, race or age.
To ‘label’ men as being something they are not, we are also doing the same to ourselves, we are, by virtue of what we are doing, choosing to be someone we are not, to go against our true nature, which is to be the love that we are. From a place of love, we will always recognise the true nature in another, by connecting with their essence, not the behavior they are choosing to be in.
What if we were to value people not for what they do or offer in their functions as in gender, rather for what they bring in their tender and beautiful essence.
‘And so instead, are we choosing to turn a blind eye when their behaviour becomes wayward because we do not quite know how to respond to it due to our own level of shutting down and hardness?’ A great question Nicole and a pattern that I see a lot in society in general. When we shutdown and harden, how on earth do we expect ourself to see and feel the depth of tenderness in a boy or man? We must first work, let go and allow ourself to be with our own preciousness for the rest to naturally unfold. From this point understanding to the what and how becomes the next step.
How long has it taken for us to discuss openly, what we men have suppressed forever, the tenderness within us all? The door has been opened we but need to step through it and embrace who we are!
We know when something is wrong, we feel it in our body, we can ignore it, but that doesn’t change the fact that something is not ok. If we choose not to speak up when a boy/man does something we know is not honouring of them or us, it’s abuse, if we remain silent, we are then complicit in that abuse, we become a part of it, we are saying, it’s ok to abuse me in this way. We are choosing to dis-honour ourselves and the boy/man. We know it is un-loving, it’s not how we want to be treated and it’s contrary to the true nature of the boy/man. Until we all start to speak our truth, nothing will change as we’re choosing to perpetuate the cycle.
One only needs to have a hug from a man who is protected and hard and then have one with that same man when is open, soft and tender to know which one is truly them. The difference is very palpable and after all there is nothing better than warm loving holding teddy bear hug from a man that truly loves and cares about you.
I absolutely agree Joshua.
“….are we choosing to turn a blind eye when their behaviour becomes wayward because we do not quite know how to respond to it due to our own level of shutting down and hardness?” A great question Nicole. I know I did this at a time when my own son was having a hard time, and it was excrutiating to feel because I did not want to feel exactly that. We cannot avoid the level of responsibility we have to remain open and honest at all times when we know what the impact of not doing so can have on another.
‘They are allowed to, and encouraged to cry, and we stop and listen to what they have to say and what they are feeling – they are treated no different to our daughter, and no less.’ – What a blessing for a child to be encouraged and allowed to always express exactly what they feel as opposed to have to live up to expectations of how they should be.
My experience has been that as the women in my life that I know in my relationships, family and friends step into being more tender and loving with themselves I naturally am drawn to be the same with myself. To build that deeper relationship and gradually let go of the need to fix, to be right and to be “the man”.
Nicole in answer to your question “So why do we as a society continue to push and shove men into these boxes?”, I would say that it’s because we that do the shoving, shove from within our own boxes. Those who are not in boxes don’t shove. So it’s for us all to choose to step out of the restriction of our boxes and then to dismantle them and then burn them, so that no one else can step in, in our place.
What On Earth have we done to ourselves?
I know from what my friends share with me about their relationships with guys, is this odd combination of frustration at their boyfriends lack of ability to communicate how they feel and talk about things like feelings in the way a lot of girls are able to, but also there is a part of them that doesn’t want the relationship to be too lovey, too soft and in their eyes pathetic, there is a level of hardness, poking fun and ‘banter’ to the relationship which prevents really dropping the guard. Can we really say it is true that women are just better at talking about feelings, or is it simply that as a society we don’t give them the space to express ?
Boys will be boys is such a dismissive claim and is often used to make excuses for behaviours that aren’t often accepted from girls but are encouraged and instilled into boys from a very early age instead of allowing them to let their tender and true nature simply be and therefore they lose sight of who they truly are and what they truly feel. “To support or nurture our boys to love in and from the absolute beauty they are, to see how each one needs to be supported differently to allow their natural expression to shine through.” Hear Hear Nicole, and through my relationship with Universal Medicine I know of many families that have chosen not to suppress their children’s unique divine qualities being expressed, and not to impose any ideals and beliefs onto them that aren’t part of their natural expression.
When men claim their sweet tenderness – women are exposed for all that we are not living and equally the potential of all that we can be living.
‘is it that we do not want to allow them to be gentle and tender because then we would have to stop and see how far we have fallen from our own lived gentleness and tenderness?’ …. ouch, yes, I feel this is very true. We are very clever at moderating how things are around us and in our relationships, to keep things ‘comfortable’. But what does this really mean, what is comfort compared to the potential of living who we truly are?
Indeed Alison – the crazy thing is that what’s ‘comfortable’ in our minds usually ends up being ‘uncomfortable’ in our bodies e.g. checking out in front of the TV together instead of truly connecting with each other and sharing what is going on for us, be willing to be transparent, also when we are feeling vulnerable and fragile.
“Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within” – absolutely, and who doesn’t love and adore a teddy bear?!!
What are boys? Who are boys? What images are we nailing them to that betray them of their very essence, beauty, sexiness, delightfulness and true power??? Great blog Nicole.
I agree boys can’t be the tenderness that they naturally are when they are raised to be tough and competitive with each other.
“the same as their father, who has over the years dropped the guards and protections he built up over his childhood to now live the absolutely beautiful tender gentle man he is today, forever deepening his love for himself and living that for his sons to feel and see.” I was really touched by this and could see the power of living a way so others can as well. It is so powerful. Much more than words.
Fathers are one of the most important role models for sons. I was an abject failure for my father because I did not like sports. Today there are fathers supporting their sons to express who they are! As you have said, Sarah, the actions of today’s fathers are more powerful than words!
I enjoy re-visiting this blog, and I love the beautiful picture that goes with it. How lovely for all of us to celebrate the tenderness and deep sensitivity of men of all ages.
What a blessing you are Nicole for your 2 sons and your husband by allowing them to just be themselves.
When you see young boys that are around 1 year old, in their natural sweetness and tenderness, it’s hard to imagine them growing up into tough fearless, no cry adults who don’t feel they can express from that side of them because of the way society says they need to be to be a real man. If they were left to just be their natural selves from young, we would seek grown men honouring their tender side and expressing how they are truly feeling. How gorgeous would that be?
I have seen very young boys that don’t appear to have an ounce of gentleness in them, so it appears sometimes what happens to us, happens at a very young age and sometimes it takes a while, but through one reason or another most of us seem to lose our tenderness, and build a wall to try and protect us from rejection and other hurtful things. It’s just so great to know that it doesn’t have to be that way and that there are ways to raise our boys so that they don’t have to lose themselves and go into this unnecessary hardness.
We and life are one, bastardize ourselves and we bastardize life.
I’m actually not sure who has dropped the furthest from their original gentle nature, men or women but what I do know is that by leaving our original nature, life then bears little resemblance to its original nature.
Nicole this is just gorgeous to read. Gorgeous because it’s wonderful to feel the beauty of men and boys allowing themselves the grace to be the gentle sensitive souls that they are without succumbing to the imprisonment and frustrations of how society currently believes they should act like. When I’ve met men like this initially I was shocked to feel how hard I was. But what a gift. They showed me what is possible in a world that asks them to be tough. They inspire me to allow myself to honour my sensitivity and discover that actually this is such a gift and never a weakness.
“Boys will be Boys”… I Don’t Think So – quite Nicole, and more so – ‘boys will boys as they are naturally designed to be from birth, not societally engineered to be given carte blanche to everyone’s detriment’
Its beautiful Nicola that your young man wears nail vanish and dresses I think its super cool when we encourage self expression, what ever that expression may be.
As a mother of three boys, I can attest to the fact that boys are incredibly sensitive, tender and caring. As I am allowing myself to show my fragility and vulnerability more and more, I have been deeply touched by the open displays of love, a tender hug, a cup of tea, no words needed. We do our men an enormous dis-service when we keep them out, when we stop them from expressing their natural sensitivity. There is nothing more gorgeous than holding a boy/man in the love that he is, allowing the space for him to show his sweet tenderness, to receive his true expression of love.
If we have a deep and clear read of this inspiring and beautiful blog, we cannot but accept how much we can learn from our little boys. They hold us, constantly! Because hardly any men are appreciated for this, we loose the connection to this inner quality. Because it seems that everything is important, but the quality inside. How beautiful is it if we would only discuss this as being the possible truth. These discussions could actually add to the pull of energy that finally allows true change to occur. Our boys are super sensitive and boy oh boy do we need to be met! Thank you for sharing this beautiful wisdom and the choices to be a true model for true parenting and a true family.
Any stereotypes we hold for each other and ourselves are incredibly harmful. They put us in a box where, more often than not, we feel compelled to meet the expectations put on us. To do so, we have to leave ourselves behind, to go against our natural way of being, creating a dis-ease, a tension in our bodies. It’s no wonder there are so many very serious issues plaguing our society, if, from a tender age, we are being asked to be something we are not.
When we cast sayings amongst each other such as ‘boys will be boys’ we instantly dismiss the inner-qualities of what a boy or man truly are, we are basically imposing a consciousness upon them, much like a curse. With this dismissal we have chosen to allow behaviours that not only dishonour who they are but also all others they interact with. I agree Nicole not only does this need to be addressed but the responsibility is all of ours to honor and confirm the tender and loving inner-qualities of boys and men, and to speak up with what feels true and what is not. This is what true love in relationships is about. Being honest, being willing to express what we truly feel and being open to learn so together we can confirm who we naturally are, evolve and as such freely live in an honoring, respectful and deeply loving way with ourselves and each other.
You touch on something important here Nicole – That we men are raised with certain ideals of how to be a man is no secret and we get this from everyone around us. That men reflect this is an obvious but we don’t talk so much about women’s role in this. Do women allow their sons to be as tender and precious as they can be or are they holding them at a level that is comfortable for them? What if the little boys are more tender and caring than their mother, how is that received? And these days women are getting more and more masculine, at least according to my observations, so children are getting less and less reflections from those around them saying that it’s ok to be feminine. It’s so silly, why are we so caught up in how to be? Why not be ourselves? I know I have been and are still caught up in how I should be but the more honest and open I get the easier it is to let go of certain not so wanted behaviours. Letting people in is a great idea.
Beautiful Nicole – thank you for your deeply felt honouring of boys and men. – ‘For many boys, the pressures, ideals and beliefs of how they should be become too much, so they succumb to how they think they should be.’ – Very well said, and they often struggle with the consequenses of what they have succumbed to their entire life.
I know as a woman I have an opportunity to treasure the gentleness of a man – to celebrate their beauty and delicateness. But I can only do this from a point of appreciate airing my own delicateness first – so it is a double gift.
I love watching men with small babies, it is as if the baby gives them permission to be their natural tenderness, and they simply melt. I’ve also seen impatient men who are angry or frustrated with small children, exasperated by their constant demands for sweets, temper tantrums and general boisterousness, impatient ways. What happens, then, in between the baby and the small child? At what point do we lose that tenderness and make life into a Struggle that turns grown men into hard, tough people?
“Both of our sons are encouraged and supported to express and live the gentleness, tenderness and vulnerability they are. ” now that is quite different to the way most boys are encouraged to be strong, do sport, become a man, don’t cry. Today looking at both the way you’ve shared you raise your kids and the way society does it’s very obvious that the normal way is backwards and whilst it may be normal its certainly not the true way. Then and only then can we appreciate true boys becoming true men.
Beautiful Nicole “Let all sons have the role models they need and deserve, and let’s not live in a way that keeps us shut down from those closest to us, or humanity.” An amazing blog sharing the truth tenderness and sensitivity of all boys and honouring them to be who they are will change the world and allow the man to stand in his real strength ,beauty and love on this earth and forever onwards.
When I hear or see that phrase ‘boys will be boys’, I can a sense of a mother excusing her adult son’s bad behaviour, where she isn’t bringing her authority as a women and saying ‘that’s not ok’ and not letting the fact that it is ‘her son’ be an excuse when if it were a stranger, she likely wouldn’t allow the behaviour.
The saying itself ‘boys will be boys’ comes with an idea of what it means to be a boy – because if to be a boy was universally known to be fragile, tender and very sweet then to say that boys will be boys would be a beautiful and obvious statement. But the saying has a conotation that for a boy to act like a boy, it is disrupitive or naughty or misbehaving and that somehow that is excused by the fact that they are a boy because that is just what they do. We need to seriously consider and address these ideas we have around gender and what it means to be both a man and a woman.
We take the most gentle of flowers and destroy them. Utter sacrilege.
Yes true, Nicole. If we as women let go of the hardness and drive we ourselves live life in, we are more likely to exhibit qualities to the men that encourage them to bring out their natural sweetness and tenderness.
We have so many things confirming the way “men” in our society are portrayed and how masculinity is supposed to be, with the movies filled with violence, toughness and aggression, from the way men talk to each other, and the way we don’t stop and re-examine the whole set up when we see a young man being truly tender, we instead encourage he leave that behind.
I remember when I was younger that no matter how much I tried I never fitted into the “tough” image, I tried to be tough at playing sports, video games and when in groups but always felt I couldn’t hold it for long. So it’s interesting that the saying “Boys will be boys” is said dismissively when going into too much masculinity (even if it is a minor fight or argument) for this doesn’t seem like the true nature of boys at all.
In my experience, most men when offered an opportunity to allow their sensitive side to be seen will not hold back. I find this in simple hellos and conversations. By one person not holding a guard and not fearing rejection, a pleasant and open exchange occurs and it doesn’t feel awkward, because there is true strength in sensitivity.
So true that some fathers can feel insecure when their boys dress femininely or do so-called ‘girly’ activities, but this only happens when the father is so invested in his own ‘tough’ image that he a) believes this will damage his reputation in some way and b) thinks that it will be best for his son to be the same as he is, to fit better into society. Not only do we need to support young kids not to become hard and tough, but also confirm with men that they don’t need a tough front to be a man.
‘Boys will be Boys’ is a light-hearted phrase with a double edged sword. It’s often said with an apologetic laugh, but there is no apology there, rather a fear, a fear to speak the truth. In so doing, all of us would need to take responsibility for our part in perpetuating this false picture that our men, young and old, feel they need to meet, which is so contrary to their natural way of being.
The phrase ‘Boys will be Boys’ has tended to be used when someone is trying to ‘excuse’ abusive behaviour, in my experience. Reading your blog, Nicole, I’m allowing myself to feel my responsibility in this, past and present. Whilst I have no hesitation in calling out abuse today, wherever it is coming from, I know I have not been so forthcoming in the past when this phrase has been used, even when I have felt hurt. In this scenario, saying ‘Boys will be Boys’ is giving an excuse as to why someone has behaved in an abusive way, which has hurt/offended another. In so doing, we are re-enforcing the false picture that society has of men and we are confirming them in that falseness, rather than calling them out, holding them accountable and asking them to honour who they truly are. Why perpetuate the lie and empower men to be something they are not, no one wins and everyone hurts.
No ‘label’ of another is helpful – they become super sticky over time and are often stuck over the top of the true ingredients, preventing clear sight.
You have so beautifully expressed what it is for us as a society to be allowing of young boys and men. That they are equal to girls and what they bring. That it is up to us to be aware of what these stereotypes are, so we can keep breaking them down and not just align to the status quo.
“…..and I know these boys have grown into men with the hurts of not truly being able to express what they are feeling without being labelled as a “wuss” or “ponce” or worse. But never have they lost that inner quality, for when you meet them from your own gentleness, you see that sparkle come back to life” – very true Nicole, and to have such an exchange is one of the best… and often when his occurs, i’ve experienced (in my job of recruiting) the guys to be more open about their sensitivity than many women, and the space to be able to be truly heard and listened to in this regard, is always deeply felt and appreciated by them (and myself too).
As boys we get rejected and we then become rough and tough – even as three year olds. Still, that seems to be preferable to being gentle and caring.
This is such a beautiful blog, Nicole – what you expressed is so needed.
Boys need male role models who are not afraid to express their tenderness, but as a Mum of 3 boys I am very aware of how they get hurt and go into protection when I am not living my true sacredness and beauty.
Saying “boys will be boys” does feel like a giving up…like this behaviour is too hard to deal with and so much easier to say that’s just the way it is and not address it. What happens as the scale of what is unacceptable slides to acceptable and it just keeps on rolling out… where is the end point?
And the truth is children know responsibility – and when an adult expresses in a truly responsible way, children respond very well because this confirms what they already know.
The flippant comment “boys will be boys” perpetuates an allowing of behaviours that are irresponsible… both of the boys and the adults making these comments. The reality is that children crave boundaries, and they also need to be presented responsibility by adults who are truly living responsibly.
Looking back through recent history at least, women have been complaining about lack of respect honouring and equality by men. Yet what a sobering observation offered in this paragraph: “Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within. To do that, we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.” It seems the power to turn things round is far closer to home than we have been thinking.
Sadly we do live in a society where the ‘boys will be boys’, tough, protected and indestructible image of men is not only accepted but PROMOTED to the nth degree through mediums like the media, and this is why it’s down to all of US to change this, and we can’t tell girls to be careful at night, teachers to punish naughty schoolboys or parents to ground their sons who behave aggressively without looking at the cause.
…and promoted through each of us that likewise espouses to such images… every woman that says she wants a ‘real man’ (hollywood style), the fairytales that promote the ‘handsome prince’… the ‘tall dark and handsome’, ‘strong’, ‘provider’ and the myriad of alternate images up for grabs, is each cementing this false expression of men.
It is no different with women and the meticulously fashioned false images we have accepted, adopted and strive for.
It is beautiful to allow ourselves to feel the tender and delicate nature of a man, and is something I am allowing more and more as I open up myself to my own delicacy and tenderness. As women we all have a responsibility here, as it is by us connecting and living from our own innate beauty and sacredness that allows men to follow by letting down their guard of having to ‘be’ something that they are not.
Allowing our boys to express freely and not be constrained by our ‘made up’ expectations is a job for all of us. If we start with giving ourselves permission to express freely, it will ripple out to others.
“Boys will be boys” is a suit of armour that all men carry unless they make a very conscious and purposeful choice to reconnect to their true fragility. Few choose to do that. Which is why we have the society that we now have – see male suicide rates as one of a million proofs of where we are going wrong.
I grew up being the only son, having one older and one younger sister. I had always felt I was a disappointment to my father because I was never interested in sport, competition and winning. I was drawn to photography and art. As I got older, I rebelled at being what others thought I should be. In the end, I cut off my nose to spite my face and started my journey of bad choices. I have only had daughters, but have tried to instil in them that whatever they wanted to be or become was something to feel for themselves. I feel the way you are raising your sons is amazing. It’s like planting a pack of wildflower seeds and caring equally for whatever grows.
We stereotype boys and girls from a very very young age, even before they are born – pink for a girl and blue for a boy, this can be seen in the reflection of colours for baby clothes, or some of the comments or reactions we may be met with if we dressed our new born baby boy in pink for example. This then plays out in the imposition, beliefs and ideals, many of us put on them, we buy them the toys they play with, not to mention the tv programs or films, such as Disney movies that have each gender playing out a stereotypical role, such as a knight saving a princess. This carries on right into our adult years, with programs and films such as sex in the city and Bridget Jones diary. I often see kids change in school around age 8 or 9, this is where I notice many of them begin to shut down, both boys and girls, not all, but there is definitely a very obvious visible change to their first few years at school where they are completely being themselves and not trying to fit in or please a teacher.
Boys are so much more than boys and girls are so much more than girls. Both these words are reductive of the whole majesty contained within each of these amazing children. Even the very first question that is asked of a newborn – “is it a boy or a girl” – has the seeds of stereotype conditioning in it.
It’s impossible to compare – but my sons have reflected to me just as much about true tenderness as my daughter. What is interesting is how I used to find it harder to be that same tenderness with my sons as I did my daughter. Now, due to them, what they have inspired in me and everything that I have learnt and seen from Universal Medicine and the gigantic changes that I have made in my life, I am now an equal teddy bear with all three of my kids.
I love your point, Nicole, about the power we hold, as women, to be able to melt away the protective-ness that shrouds our men by being in our stillness and allowing them to feel safe by showing our fragility and vulnerability. Allowing them to feel it’s ok to share how they feel openly and honestly without being shot down or ridiculed. By showing our men that the picture society currently holds of what it is to be a man is completely false and not something women are seeking, rather for men to be comfortable just being their tender, gentle selves. We crave the sweet gentleness of men as much as they crave the serene stillness of women.
I totally agree with you, Nicole, the innate tenderness and sensitivity within men is exquisite. Why is it that it’s ok to be tender as a baby, in fact, it’s treasured, but as a little boy grows, expressing your sensitivity and tenderness isn’t encouraged, in fact it’s often the exact opposite. Because of the ‘picture’ many in society have of what it is to be a man, as boys grow up and tease each other, they hone in on anyone who has managed to hold on to their natural expression and resist against being ‘tough’ and not showing how they feel. The peer pressure to ‘be’ a certain way at school is immense. Unfortunately it’s also often re-enforced at home.
It is quite a feat for a man and a boy to be simultaneously powerful and sensitive and open. It is quite possible, though.
So sold was I on the notion that ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ that it felt like a massive revelation to re-discover that not only are we all from the same place but that we are all intrinsically the same. What makes us up on the inside is identical, it’s just that we have trained the sexes to behave differently and then subsequently lead ourselves to believe that the differences come from the different sexes, when in truth they come from the conditioning that we have placed on them.
The more and more deeply I realise this, the more equal my relationship with my wife has become.
We get caught up in so many mad sayings that we take for truth and that people repeat mindlessly to make excuses for dishonouring behaviour – like ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘sticks and stones may break your bones . . . ‘ Of course there are some wonderful old sayings like ‘Early to bed, Early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise’ which is a great piece of wisdom. But it is so necessary to hear and feel what we are actually saying, with discernment.
I so love the photo that comes with this great blog Nicole. The beautiful man, the delicate feather, the hint that there is more dimensionality to us than just the five senses, all communicates so much to the reader.
The saying should be “boys will be men” – in the truest sense of the word.
It’s crazy that we have created such stereotypes around gender. At the same time it is also interesting that women have gained so much freedom in the way they are ‘allowed’ to dress whereby there is much more prejudice around what men should or should not wear.
We all suffer when we blindly accept these ways of stereotyping the sexes. We are so much more than the limited way we view ourselves and bring our young up.
This is very important. The “all” of what you express. Even the delineation between sexes can be a seed of us not living our all.
Great blog Nicole, beautiful how you have allowed your sons to find their own expression and not be held back by what society dictates how boys should be, a great reflection and inspiration for others, and beautifully honouring for them.
The more I see in this life, the more it’s clear that women and men, hold a very similar light. But we have both been raised to be something else, a role or set or requirements we push ourselves to achieve. All of the above seems to go on because we haven’t appreciated how deeply connected, interlinked and powerful we are, when we connect to the sacredness and divineness we are. Thank you Nicole, for the reminder of this delicate power that lives inside you and me.
Gentleness and love is a quality we all hold within, but in men is so often let down and covered up to protect ourselves from the world that we live in, that has rejected this quality as a whole. It is our responsibility to break the mold and show that men are very precious and tender beings, worthy of being treasured as the sensitive beings they are.
We are all equal, while we bring much needed different qualities. It is allowing ourselves and our children to connect with this essence that brings us all further.
I agree, what doe this mean….it allows for separation of boys and girls and also, I feel means that parent often allow boys to often get on with life with less support. My son and daughter are so similar and so different, they are both naturally, caring, loving, sensitive and gentle…boy and girl makes no difference. This is the truth of a child.
My oldest’s favourite colour is Pink – and he wears it with absolute strength and a gorgeous tenderness. It’s the perfect combination of the two gender expressions…and he looks absolutely fabulous!
“Boys will be boys” is one of plethora of phrases by which we are denying the truth of what our children are. Another one is “terrible two’s” or even the most simple if them all “they’re just kids”. Any of these phrases is a rejection of our responsibility as parents, and an allowance of their lack of responsibility as children.
It’s the norm to see how far men have departed from their tender, natural selves, and I can feel also as women how far we have departed from the sacredness we naturally are. These qualities are fundamental if we are to restore balance to loving and equal relationships between men and women.
I am privileged to know a boy who I have seen grow up from the age of 2 years to 7 and although he has many boyish traits he also still has his deep sensitivity and gentleness with others. it is beautiful to see that all he needs is to be confirmed in his true qualities for him to know that they are his to appreciate and express in his life as he grows up.
It is gorgeous to see a man or a boy having fun experimenting with how they really feel inside, rather than being told to be a cerstain way. If we all embraced this way of bringing up young boys it would change the face of the world that we know today. Surely its worth considering…
Children are absolutely bombarded from all angles to conform to the pictures that others hold. Like a piece of precious metal on an anvil they are hammered into a shape that no longer resembles the preciousness they once were.
I love it when I see guys wearing nail polish, unashamed and unafraid to let their daughters do their hair or make up – not concerned because in the end masculinity, strength etc can be measured only in part by our physicality – there is so much more strength in how we care, how we speak, and act. Some of the most amazing men in my life are amazing because of their care, because of the solidness of their support, the strength to hold everyone in love, their consistency and patience and the fact they can be counted on to speak honestly at least, if not the truth.
On our last holiday, my wife took the boys for an adventure on a rope bridge across a mountain gorge (I hate heights so was never gonna do that!) whilst I stayed behind and had a pedicure and my toe nails painted at my daughter’s beauty salon. Heaven.
What is so wrong with a man being so super tender and loving that he can open up and cry? If we as a society have so much household abuse, so much violence, so many hurt, sick, lonely and lost men what does this tell us about our ability to open up and express what we feel? Is this notion not capping if not strangling men in their expression everywhere?
I have always found the say ‘boys will be boys’ as a very interesting thing – as you say there feels to be an almost giving up – that the wayward, crazy or abusive behaviour of boys cannot be changed or controlled, so we just let it be. What if it didn’t need to be this way? What if all the rough, tough and sometimes violent attitudes and behaviour are learnt and taken on as part of being a boy? And if they are, even in part, then we as a society need to see our responsibility and part in creating the very behaviour we often don’t like, behaviour that leaves everyone less because the men are not allowed to be all that they are and everyone misses out as a result.
Women may think they give up on men (or love) in the sense of not receiving the appreciation and adoration they know they naturally would deserve to be honoured for the woman they are without necessarily realizing that it is them who fail to hold steady the quality of true femaleness for men to come back to their true maleness. Men and women equally share the same responsibility to complement each other in their true being.
And once we work together like this, supporting each other, committing to that transparency, then each gender will evolve to its true expression. At the moment, we are both a long, long way off the mark.
I never was one of the boys. The idea of getting very drunk regularly or to be an insensitive bully never appealed to me. I made other mistakes but I preferred to avoid this one.
More than ever I am aware of how sensitive and how exquisite men are when connected to themselves. Even many years ago I used to say to my girlfriends that I preferred men with a little bit of the ‘feminine’ in them (not meaning effeminate). Now more than ever I appreciate this great beauty in men and how it holds and complements the natural maleness in men. Thank you for this great blog Nicole.
When I discovered I was pregnant twice with boys I felt so much more challenged than had I been told I was going to give birth to girls.Looking back now I can see the feeling of being challenged came completely from my own ideals and beliefs around boys and men with no space in there to appreciate the uniqueness of each individual and the essence each of us brings. I feared the boys would grow up to be rough and tough and get in fights and I would have difficulty relating to them. Having two sons was a huge healing for me and proved me so wrong in this regard. Very early on I could feel those qualities of gentleness and sensitivity and the main challenge was in fact that it exposed some hardness in myself to look at. Now men, both are extremely sensitive, gentle and tender and watching the way they move around the house is a constant reminder of those qualities that are innate and genderless.
I would say your experience is the experience of many parents – the moment they realise they are going to have a boy, or when they have several boys there is that concern that it will be harder and more difficult because boys are more ‘boisterous’ – even this word tells us just how much these traits are ingrained in the way we think.
Nicole, this is absolutely true from my experience, ‘Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within.’ Working with children I see and feel how very sweet and gentle boys are, even the ones that are trying to be tough are clearly just hurt and not naturally hard and tough. I see the pressure they are under to harden up and not stay sensitive and sweet.
Thank you for exposing the responsibility that all women have to live transparently in their gentleness as a reflection to men of a true way of living. I can feel how far I am living from that and how the many layers of protection I and so many other women have built up has supported the status quo for so long. It is time for us all to challenge all stereotypes and be open to living in a way that allows others to explore their true gentleness.
We treat young boys and baby boys with a lot of tenderness and gentleness knowing that by nature they are very fragile, sensitive and delicate. So what changes when they grow up? At what point or age do we decide that they are no longer delicate and sensitive and that they have to toughen up and be hard? And what are we doing to our men in the world when we suddenly turn the tables so to speak and expect them to measure up to some image we have in our heads of what men should be like?
When I started to become interested in boys at around fifteen years old I found tough, hard, boys on the surface more appealing and what I find interesting is that I was actually aware of this at the time. The hardness I found challenging in a good way as it kept me on guard never 100% sure whether he was going to stay with me or not! Boy, how this has and is changing and it is feeling great to reflect on the changes. I now realise that I went for boys with a hardness image because I wanted to protect the hurts and by doing so choosing to be hard myself. To have been met with such tenderness and gentleness back then would have been way too much for me; I simply wasn’t interested. Today I find it so much easier being in the company of men who are naturally themselves, tender, sensitive and gentle and who are not afraid to show their vulnerability. Only yesterday I happened to be in the company of a man who was doing some work in our home who was not afraid to show his gentle ways. There was something about him which melted me, beautiful to feel and observe and a confirmation in the reflection of how far I have come in being open to welcoming men of this nature into my heart.
One of the harder things to connect to is when I see a big burly tough man and to have any idea that there is a softer side, and yet I can stop and connect to the fact that even a man who may play out in a brusque and macho way is only covering up his gentleness and tender ways to avoid having to deal with the hurt that came his way in earlier parts of his life. It is all a question of how much that cover up is taking place, and in that lies the responsibility to not harden to cope with it, but stay open and gentle to represent another way of being.
I just loved reading about your little family Nicole, their qualities and what they like, very cute about the ‘hair up’, and, importantly how you raise all three supporting them in the understanding of their unique selves without, as is quite often the case, typical parental instruction based on gender….So that they can stand strong on their feet as adults, and know their own truth.
It is true that we each hold a responsibility to express our true qualities. A woman in honour of her sacredness living open, warm, nurturing and precious will call men to freely express their own tenderness, warmth and true essence and to trust in their true expression.
Men are naturally so affectionate when they feel they can trust and they are not judged for their natural expression. The way they express this affection can sometimes be intense especially when it has been repressed due to succumbing to what society judges as right, and that has to be deeply understood by humanity and by women. It may not be one day that boys and men will all show their real faces, but as parents and as friends, if we trust to be ourselves in front of them, we allow them to also be themselves.
“the innocence of a man is truly beauty-full.” There has been nothing more healing and sacred to allow my gentleness and tenderness to be me. It is an ongoing development and discovery how this can be lived and expressed in this world and actually not stand out as unusual but felt as normal. It’s a super-strength that guides me in feeling what’s true in me and around me. There is no other way to live but to be tender.
As adults, we are a product of our upbringing, own choices and the outside worlds pressure to be a certain way according to others ideals and beliefs, impositions or whatever, but when very young, little boys are just as delicate, sweet and tender as little girls. We are all equal in the tenderness field. Why do we want to harden and make tough our boys to fit a picture of how we want or think they need to be to fit in. Can’t we just leave them be and support them in their natural tenderness and let them grow up free of the pictures and needs, into the kind of man that knows himself as this and is this with everyone. They would then be great role models for their own sons and how they are to be and hold another with this level of true tenderness and caring support.
I feel that when men react to other men who are expressing from their sensitivity, by calling them wusses or whatever, it’s simply a way of protecting themselves from the excruciating pain they feel of having been rejected in their own sensitivity by society. There is nothing more painful than turning away from your very essence and walking away so what better way to not feel than to ridicule another in the pretence that you don’t care.
Well said Lucy – our protective sheaf can be razor sharp, spikes and explosive… in place since young to guard the hurt of of turning away from our true essence and expression of truth. How healing it is then for all men to observe any man expressing their tenderness and inner-most truth.
How beautifull that you and your husband have given and held the space for your children to just be and express how they want to without any judgement. If any parent worries about how they are perceived because of how their son or daughter is expressing then this definitely needs to be looked at as it is the parents issue not the child’s. From attending courses and presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and over the years seeing the men unfold into these gorgeous tender beautifull sensitive beings has been an absolute blessing and in turn has helped me to embrace the qualities of tenderness and delicateness that are innately within me.
I love all of these blogs coming out and challenging our gender stereotypes and the expectations that we place on each other because of them.
You raise some great questions here Nicole… and I wonder if all these ideals and beliefs around men being tough and strong, which boxes them into a way of being that is totally opposite to their innate nature, is why suicide rates in men, especially young men, are on the rise?
How often do we see and feel the gorgeous sensitivity shown in this photo? Not very often…
A recent TV show asked women what they like about men and their reply was being gentle, loving and sensitive. When the show asked men what they thought women liked about men, their reply was to be tough and strong! So where do these ideals and beliefs to be tough and strong come from because many women are behaving in this way too… Perhaps it is we as women who need to lead the way in being the gentleness and preciousness that we innately are which then allows men to also be this natural way with themselves and with others.
The photo says it all… the joy and love of being delicate, vulnerable and sensitive – so gorgeous to see and feel a man sharing this with us all.
When men begin to reconnect to and embrace their tenderness, it will expose just how hard and lost the women are in trying to keep up with the image of men. But, perhaps the women need to be the ones to drop back into the preciousness and sacredness of being a woman within before the men can realise it’s ok to be their tender selves.
If both genders work on what they can work on together, things can move very quickly. If one needs to do all the work first, it will be slower. Quite right, Rachael.
I loved your exploration of why we accept the saying ‘boys will be boys’ and your call for women to start to be who they are, in order to support men to come back to who they are. As has been pointed out, men are not being asked to be gentle and tender by women, as we are still caught in our own protected way of being. We need to lift the bar in society, instead of making excuses for our selves and men that keep us all spinning in this false creation. It can start with us, becoming honest and vulnerable.
I would agree that most fathers, even the ones who appear to be open minded, have a problem with their sons wearing a dress or doing anything that has been labelled by society as ‘girly’. This has often surprised me and reveals the extent of the pressure and social constraints under which these men grew up. I feel this reaction by fathers has a huge influence on our boys. Even if words are not said, they feel the rejection and judgment from their dads, who they want to be loved and approved by. This is a big part of why boys end up selling their sweet and gentle nature.
‘Boys will be boys’ is definitely an expression that carries with it a level of irresponsibility, like washing your hands off something and saying I did not play a part in this and have nothing to do with it! ‘Boys will be boys’ gives permission and an excuse for boys to not take responsibility themselves. It is time we realised that words are not so innocent, and carry much power and meaning, and that it is about is using these words with awareness and bringing that same awareness and choices to our every day. Thanks Nicole for highlighting this for us!
I remember boys wen I was younger who loved to dress up in skirts and play with dolls. It felt like a natural part of their development and allowed them to express their sensitive nature. In later years it was horrendous to witness one of these boys get attacked as a teenager due to seeming ‘different’ because of his sensitive nature. This led to him toughening up and learning how to fight and defend himself. It also led to years of drug abuse as a form of escape. It’s tragic that men are not encouraged in their fragility. The world really does give the message that they have to be hard and tough, and for what end?
Nicole, it is great that you are giving your children the freedom and space to express who they are no matter what that is. I know I have ideals about how boys should be and that I’d be challenged by a little boy wanting to wear a dress and nail polish and I can feel the ideals and pictures I have around this, so it is great to ‘out it’. Really, why is it that a little girl can wear a pink tutu with gum boots if she wants to but a boy can’t?
That phrase ‘boys will be boys’ is used in so many ways to excuse bad behaviour of adult men as if the behaviour is to be expected from men. This not only excuses irresponsibility but it also says that that is what society expects from men which degrades them to that behaviour and doesn’t see or honour them for the gorgeous and tender men they are beneath the behaviour.
I was looking at a men’s clothing range earlier today and I was horrified by what I saw, all the slogans were things like “go hard or go home” or “grow some balls”. If we squeeze all the amazingness tenderness and love that is naturally in men so that they fit into this tiny tough, only box then we, as the WHOLE world miss out on something amazing.
Great point you raise Nicole. “Boys will be boys” can be used as a throw away line to dismiss what we would normally be seen as unacceptable behaviour. If we condone this then what else do we accept and what message are we giving to both girls and boys.
Those labels – be it gender, nationality, religion, age… whatever that is, sometimes we get so lazy and just plaster them all over in order to avoid having to truly observe, feel and get to understand the essence of what we are seeing. In saying something like ‘Boys will be boys’ we give off an idea that we know something about something, but in fact we have not even bothered to see what’s beyond the obvious. Recently I clocked myself saying one of those throw-away statement and it actually was a judgment and I could feel how I said it in order to avoid having to acknowledge how hurt I actually felt by someone’s action, and my lack of responsibility in holding back my expression.
“Boys will be boys” I had not considered how devastating and condemning that little phrase actually is. With one quick swoop it declares that we have given up on ever reflecting and considering that there can be anything more to boys and men than what we have so far imagined defines their gender. And as far as we are concerned they can forever remain there.
Girls wear trousers and nobody bats an eye. Men in Arab countries wear dresses all the time because it’s cooler – where did the dictate come from as to what anyone should wear? Society imposes these rules and judgments that are nothing to do with what is True.
Nicole what a beautiful honesty and honouring of men and who they really are ,a fay cry from the way society projects to them and all they have to live up to . The responsibility we all hold with this is great to see and very inspiring.
“Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within. To do that, we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.” How beautiful to allow humanity this great reflection and love we are .
Nicole the concept of “boys will be boys” is one that I also feel is flawed because instead of it being used to confirm the tender, deeply caring and loving nature of boys and men its used as an excuse for abuse, disregard and recklessness. Thats been my experience and something that when changed will make a real difference in society.
By reading your blog I had to realize Nicole how I am wanting men to be stronger and tougher, so I can let go of caring for myself a bit and hand it over to them. And yes, to see more and more tender men expressing their tenderness brings me to tears, because I am in fact longing for this tenderness to be expressed again, after ages. But also I have to take responsibility for my expression. If we are all so vulnerable – which we are – we (and I) have to be very very loving with each other. We have to live in full integrity to make sure to respect each other and honor who we truly are. This is calling me to account. How I speak about men. How I think of them. How I build and support relationships, situations,…. – all Life! It is huge. And it is needed.
So I will go into my day now and promise to see the beauty and tenderness in men – if they express it or not. I am now on a discovery tour. Inside of me (how do I support the false images of men?) and outside (see the truth of men). Thank you for this inspiration.
Without the women´s support and reflection that they are welcoming and embracing of a man´s tenderness, vulnerability and care that are the foundations of his true strength and authority as a man it is not impossible but immensely hard for men to become aware and let go of the false layers, protection and guardedness and further to heal their wound of not being received and honoured for their natural being. As well it is the other way round, it is a huge support for women to be adored and held in their preciousness by men for them to release the self-loathing and lack of self-worth they are caught in. It is a cycle of hurts and protections between men and women we all are equally responsible for breaking.
Great blog Nicole. The only this more touching than a sweet tender boy is the strong, tender man he grows up to be. Let all our boys have this opportunity without getting squashed by hardened women. It is our responsibility as women to lead the way through connecting to and honouring our own sacredness.
When I connect to how sweet and tender boys/men naturally are, it feels like such an assault and a de-naturing to be tough and hard. It is super important for all of us to support boys/men to be themselves, allowing their unique expression to come out.
Gorgeous Nicole, thank you for sharing. ‘Boys will be boys’ should be completely redefined based on what you’ve shared, and you’ve raised a great question which is whether our current idea of what boys are sometimes like; ‘tough’, aggressive, competitive etc. exists because ‘boys are boys’ or because we’ve raised them to be this way due to our own ideals and beliefs?
This is just a part-sentence from the above, but holds so much understanding of how to parent our boys (and girls) to know and cherish their natural quality: “…to support or nurture our boys to love in and from the absolute beauty they are, to see how each one needs to be supported differently to allow their natural expression to shine through.”
It’s great to begin to break this mold down, that men and women need to act in certain ways or they are not true men or women. The most inspiring men I know are exquisitely tender and are able to express it so.
Wowsa what a great blog Nicole, it puts the responsibility back to all of us to live who we really are, for if we don’t we just produce another generation in trapped by fake ideals of what it is to be a man.
‘Turning a blind-eye’ to anything we are not only allowing it to continue we are by our silence condoning it.
Where I grew up it was almost like a crime to be sensitive, tender and sweet if you were a boy, with the big burly rugby player as the ultimate role model or hero; we didn’t have much chance to dress in girls cloths or play with dolls.
My daughters favourite colour for a long time was orange now she loves turquoise, pink and purple too. Lots of her boyfriends when she was small liked pink and I loved how their mothers honoured this and allowed them to play with dolls, prams, babies and dressing up. It’s amazing how pressure from society creeps in and by the time they are at school they start to harden and are pretty much all playing super heros whilst the dolls have been rejected as something for girls.
Indeed Fiona, i have watched as my 8yr old daughter chose to fit in with her peer group at school and reject all things pink, she was recently given a pink jacket by someone she adores, to my amazement she has worn it unapologetically ever since, for innately she knows the nurturing energy of this colour and understands that these are qualities that she brings in bucketfulls when she chooses to claim herself.
We continue to talk about ‘men’s health’ or ‘women’s issues’ as if they exist on different planes. It’s more of the same ‘men are from mars and women from venus’ thinking we have grown up with. Today I am touched by how we still live in opposition and reaction to the opposite sex. All of this seems to be a big game to stop us from seeing beyond the physical difference we are all one and the same, and this is way more beautiful, delicate, divine and powerful than we currently think ourselves to be. You show Nicole that we don’t just box and misunderstand men, but all of life.
What a beautiful sharing that is now out in the world and a significant contribution to breaking down the myth that men need to be tough, not tender! This is ground breaking Nicole, much needed and much appreciated. Thank you.
Nicole, I can very much relate to this, ‘like so many of us, we are only just beginning to understand what it is to truly live who we are naturally, without the impositions of society.’ For so many years I lived as a tomboy, being very hard in my body, I am now living more and more as the gentle woman that I am, discovering that I love pink, roses, wearing makeup and being very gentle with my body – this is me and it feels beautiful to be starting to live the true me.
Reading this blog it is clear to see as men and women how far from our true tender, loving self we have drifted from, allowed, and encouraged. It wasn’t until it was pointed out to me that I started to look at men differently, and to feel for myself that they are living up to a false ideal and belief, and that if we scratch the surface there is a loving, tender and gentle being waiting to come to the surface. Shocking when you think about this way of being is passed on from one generation to anther, and if a guy does hold onto his gentle ways, he is considered a sissy.
Hard boys are no role models for women. Caring, loving men are role models for everyone but maybe there are people who prefer not to have role models.
The label ‘Boys will be Boys’ is just that – a label that dictates all that it entails for boys to live up to and does not expand to include their tenderness, sensitivity and gentleness. I agree it is an excuse for behaviour that much of the population feels comfortable with and sometimes even celebrate, particularly when a parent feels that ‘attention’ is the reward one is seeking. We all make choices in our lives and these choices hold a quality. No matter who you are male or female it is the quality in which we hold ourselves that can be felt even though the way we go about ‘doing’ things may differ. This has been great to read and I loved the introduction of the difference our little ones come into the world with and how you have identified Nicole, a common loving quality in your 2 boys that also exists and is shared.
Boys will be boys is such a imposing thing to say. As it does come with a picture and an ideal of what a boy is and it does not let boys/men be what they feel to be in themselves. True love holds everyone for who they are, it does not matter if a boy wants to wear a dress or play with hammers, in their heart they are all the same tenderness just like all women as well.
Hear hear! Very well said Doug.
Nicole thank you for being so honest about your experience of parenting two boys and a girl. For me you nailed it from your first word until your last as it is really time to think about what most of the parents are unconsciously or consciously doing to their kids relating to their gender while parenting. This following sentences I love: ” . . . we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.”
Awesome blog Nicole. I have heard this saying many times, ‘Boys will be Boys’ but often I felt uncomfortable when I hear people say this. It didn’t occur to me why until I read your blog. Especially this part: ‘And so instead, are we choosing to turn a blind eye when their behaviour becomes wayward because we do not quite know how to respond to it due to our own level of shutting down and hardness?’ It makes sense to me now why I felt this way. What you’ve shared exposes some uncomfortable choices many of us can relate to.
“Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within” – true they are indeed great teddy bears, melted by the warm embrace and loving hold of a woman in all her natural grace.
Nicole I love the simple, wise and oh so accessible way that you express. Another article that has the ability to question the choices that we are making without getting people’s backs up, a rare quality indeed.
This is such a lovely piece of writing, thank you for bringing this expression up and discussing it. I actually feel like it is a lack of expression – it’s something that is said which takes the place of a true description of what is taking place.
As usual you hit the nail on the head Nicole! Having raised a couple of boys myself (and a couple of girls) I see the beauty and sensitivity that young boys have. This continues on into adulthood if they are able to survive the ideals and beliefs society puts out there around what being a boy or man means. A truly great sharing for all to read!
Nicole, an absolute gem of a blog, thank you for sharing your observations and your unfolding with yourself and your family. This reflection is hugely needed; I love the title too, such a catch phrase, seemingly making it all ‘ok’, when it is totally not ok that men and boys are not able to stay in their true nature, and as you shared, it’s a long process to peel all these protections and hardness back again later on as many men who realise that they can and want to drop that hard shell and protection are experiencing. Thank you Nicole.
‘But never have they lost that inner quality, for when you meet them from your own gentleness, you see that sparkle come back to life.’ This is so important for us women to know, that only by being connected to our own tenderness and gentleness can we support men to feel theirs.
I loved reading your blog Nicole, I have four sons and would love to have had this understanding when I was a young mother. beautiful how your children are being met for who they truly are allowing them to feel their own deep tenderness without the imposed ideals of society. A great sharing for us women also “Men are naturally teddy bears and it is time we supported, nurtured and honoured the beauty they have within. To do that, we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.”
Great article Nicole and very much needed to be spoken about and lived!
There is an absolute strength in sensitivity, it allows us to feel all that is going on around us and we need not protect ourselves from the perceived hurt that keeps us separate from one another.
When it comes to the quality of our movements, which determines how we will express, men and women are absolutely equal.
As men and woman our expression may differ but in essence we are one and the same. It is beautiful how you have not let any preconceived ideas about how your children need be Nicole and allowed them to express in a way that is natural for them.
What an awesome environment to grow up in. Understanding that there is no sex hierarchy, and that we are all equal first. This is level of care and equality will surely have a huge impact on your children’s lives and then the lives of everyone they encounter as they will be a huge reflection for so many.
Finding my feet in The Way of The Livingness has been a simple pleasure that has returned me to being on the path of return to being a tender fragile man. Thank you Nicole, it is a pleasure to read about how true family is open and encourages children to be open through their own expression about what they are feeling.
I remember growing up super tender and delicious as a boy but not being able to handle how to be this in a world that is asking me to be anything but this. If we have more reflections of tenderness, love, and care in men we can support all boys (and girls) to be confirmed and encouraged to flourish into living such a natural express for the rest of the lives not just for a few years as they are growing up.
When speaking with men from all walks of life, I now have the appreciation of ‘ the sensitive boy within’ and I have noticed albeit uncomfortable for them to express from this place, they are very touched to be given the opportunity and quickly drop the ‘macho’ and allow there essence to be seen.
I love the photo on this blog and I love seeing a gentle tender man, it just melts me.
This is the most beautiful expression about men and boys, you share the depth of understanding who men truly are. Many of us have lost sight of this and hold beliefs about how men should be. Whatever the beliefs may be, they are not the truth. Men then try to live up to these beliefs, and to do this they have to leave behind, push away their true qualities of who they naturally are of tenderness, gentleness, the ‘teddy bear’ loving man. In this there is a majestic strength, a man naturally has
I love that there are boys growing up free of the impositions society places upon them. Allowing them to be and express who they are, they will grow up with self-awareness and confidence. boys that are pushed and pulled out of their natural way grow up not knowing themselves and end up with poor mental & physical health, limited social skills, and anti social behavior we accept when we say “boys will be boys”.
It’s great to see a blog addressing the concerns I have and see. I have boys in my house as well and to see how they interact at times is both beautiful and disturbing. One thing I have seen is how they follow a role models lead. So in order for them to be all they are, my dedication needs to hold the same quality. I can’t dictate to them how to be without first leading the action of that dictation. In other words I need to keep deepening the quality of how I live in honour truly of a man and then watch the ripple effect of that run out into my life. So often we can talk detached from what we are saying, like what we are saying doesn’t apply strangely to us. This blog isn’t like that and talks also of the reflections of the father of the boys and goes further to the mother as well. We all have equal responsibility in how we are, the quality we are, whether we have boys or girls or no children around us. Every action, including thoughts are felt by us all.
Very true Ray, we all have the same level of responsiblity to be true role models for our boys and girls. It is so easy to dismiss it as not our responsibility if we are not parents, when really, each and every one of us matters equally. The young are taking after the reflections we all offer in our society. If we swear, they learn to swear and if we care, they learn to care.
A beautiful blog Nicole. All men are teddy bears and I can feel that even in the gruffest of men…the tougher they act, the more hurt they are as the toughness is a way for them to keep people away.
Society often tries to put boys in a box – they should be a certain way, they should do certain things, they should not do certain things…what if we gave them the space to simply be and express who they are? What kind of men would we see growing up in the world?
A truly inspiring blog that allows us all to feel and connect to the true tenderness and fragility that we have within. I have always sensed that men were tender – and yet didn’t realise that I had to begin by reflecting gentleness myself and that this was the key to opening the way up to having more truly loving relationships in my life. As I let go of the need to change the world and allow everyone to look within there is more space for us all to expand and express our innermost feelings.
It is by reflecting each other the openness and tenderness we are that another allows to let down the guard, women and men support and inspire each other equally – this is the way to end any gender issues.
When a man allows himself to connect to that tenderness inside and allows the boy-like quality to shine through, it just melts you heart, it is so gorgeous.
Yes doesn’t it just? It is really beautiful to behold and to be privvy too when so expressed.
Reading your contribution has made me realise how dismissive and condescending the phrase “boys will be boys” really is; it is also very dishonouring of men’s tender nature and of the qualities they bring to us all.
Sharing the differences in your boys ways and confirming the innate quality and tenderness that they both have in common has expanded my understanding of how it is that all of humanity will have their own way of moving in the world but what we all share in common is a quality of tenderness, preciousness and love – we all share the seed of this within us. I remember when I was little and very sick the natural tender and loving way that my father held me was something very special and felt so true to who he was but then in the company of other men this was kept hidden and very different choices were made. I agree with a comment made earlier that the pressure on men to separate from their innate tenderness and to be hard and tough is evil – a creation that society has imposed on us all.
Very beautifully shared Nicole. As a woman it took me a while to truly accept and understand that men are incredibly sensitive and tender at heart. For most of my life I believed men and boys were hard, tough and callous. When I did begin to see men in their tenderness I felt deep sadness for the way men push themselves, use violence and act abusively. It astounds me that men go to war when I connect to their true nature.
There is so much that has been shared here, that it will take many re reads to full appreciate it. But for tonight, the invite as women to deepen our tenderness and ask men to do the same is palpable.
I read a disturbing article of how teenage boys/men are being and treating girls/women. What I was reading were some of the consequences of boys and men being shoving into that box called “what men should be like” But what you have shared is so true and something that the vast majority of us have not considered, that who we are when we are small children is in fact who we are and everyone is the same, by essence. Sweet, tender, so vulnerable. Why do we think we we are any different just because we are older and bigger?
Boys are subject from day one to the grips of images of how are they supposed to be. The truth, is that the ‘male club’ is grey, sordid, uninteresting. It is not a very attractive place. But there is no much outside it. On top of that, venturing outside is dangerous. Submitting to it is imposing and constraining. It is a difficult world. Yet, in truth, it does not have to be this way if the reflection we give to the boys is one that allows them to be them, so to confirm them that being them is not and cannot ever be a problem.
“boys will be boys” is an excuse to turn a blind eye outward, but more significantly to turn it INWARD. To deny or dismiss the boy of his true and natural tenderness but to excuse ourselves of the hardness and protection (and self abuse) we use to not realise our own tender, loving truth also.
I love what you share here and will be sharing it far and wide as it is so important that we adore men for the true gentlemen they are instead of pushing them into a hardness that is of no good for anyone.
To be delicate in nature does not mean that you cannot build a wall when necessary, nor put your shoulder to the grindstone if that is what is required. To work hard does not mean you have to become hard, and this is where as men we often get it wrong. We take on a way of being we think we need to be in order to do what needs to be done. And so, our way of being becomes about security, or success. But you can go about creating a successful life that offers security without needing to take that into your way of being, as though your being is entirely dependent upon such outcomes. This is where we get it so very, very wrong.
There is something really pivotal in this article which is all about the degree to which you value yourself as a woman Nicole. This strong sense of self-worth has resulted in a scenario in which your partner also values himself, and isn’t afraid to express the tenderness he is – that we all are. This example of leading by reflection is very beautiful. There is a way forward here, represented by this deep honouring, that will one day see an end to all forms of gender disparity.
I love the description of your three children Nicole. It’s clear you and your partner have allowed them to be exactly who they are without imposition. Their different expressions sing off the screen! What a blessing for them, you and us.
Lovely to feel how you are honouring and supporting your sons to reflect their inner qualities and stay true to themselves. I totally agree that we all have a responsibility to drop the many layers of protection that we have built up and live from our our gentleness and be willing to let go of the comfort that we have hidden in for so long. The world is calling for a change and we need to respond and challenge the imposing ideals and beliefs that have kept us all trapped for so many lifetimes.
I agree that I have often heard this line ‘boys will be boys’ when people are observing the behaviour of boys or men as a way of excusing the behaviour and I guess we do this for girls as well in a more subtle way. But from my experience we are all human beings first before we are men and women, and as a man I feel just as sensitive as any woman.
I agree Susan and that does not mean they don’t have boundaries or consequences, these are essential, what it does mean is they realise they always have a choice and this results in more engaged, responsible, young people who are committed to life and have a sense of honesty with themselves and others.
Wow Nicole, what grace you have offered your children, to be who they are, express as they choose and not impose outside ideals and beliefs on them. They will clearly find their own way and will be loved and supported with that. Nothing is actually right or wrong it just is with children.
“Let all sons have the role models they need and deserve, and let’s not live in a way that keeps us shut down from those closest to us, or humanity.” Hear, hear Nicole. I grew up with four younger brothers and have two adult sons. Boys get told to toughen up when quite young, when inside they are tender gentle beings.
So beautifully inspiring Nicole, to allow boys to grow up with their natural expression fostered, supported and confirmed is quite something. As you so aptly say, society does not foster these aspects in boys and men, and for the most part, neither do we as women support them to be sensitive, tender and gentle.
That innate tenderness in a man is beautiful to experience and it is deeply touching when they share how they feel against the world, not just other men but from women as well, that is telling them to toughen up or ‘grow a pair’. It’s beautiful that the more I accept my own true nature the more I see it in others, we give ourselves and others permission to be ourselves rather than live to pictures and expectations.
This is a great blog Nicole and is a must read for all parents. From the earliest of ages boys feel the pressure of having to act and be in a certain way that is contrary to their true nature and then they have to work really hard to keep the tough act up. Often, in school I have seen groups of boys being unkind to others if they show tender tendencies and the one they pick on feels there is no other course but to toughen up and show the same attitude.
Boys will be boys allows men to be forceful but seriously limits their power, making them physically more dangerous but far less able to show other men and women how they miss out on life as Nicole beautifully describes.
Yes Christoph. Boys will be boys feels like a brush off – like a belittling and settling for less from our boys and men. An excuse to be irresponsible in other words, for the person acting out and the person observing by not pulling up the behaviour and knowing that there is more to who men and boys are.
What an absolute blessing for your boys that you are supporting them to stay connected to their tenderness and vulnerability and to not loose them selves in the societal ideals and beliefs. They will be true role models for all their class mates and parents will watch and see how you are with your boys and many will be inspired by how you parent. Domino effect is very powerful.
This is beautiful, Nicole – “Meanwhile there is a trapped little boy within, just waiting to be met for who he truly is, and when he feels safe, and feels met, what you are met back with is absolutely glorious”. It is such a blessing to the world when a boy/man drops his protection and makes us all melt in the presence of pure sweetness and tenderness.
Boys will be boys” feels to me to be such an empty expression. Of course boys will be boys just as girls will be girls. The problem is the imposition we put on boys and girls to be how we imagine they ought to be rather than who they actually are.
Nicole I love this photo that has been chosen to accompany your blog. It is very fitting and speaks clearly of the innate tenderness boys and men have. Looking at that photo alone brings surrender to my body and that is exactly what the reflection of a tender man living from his heart walking in society does. His reflection allows others to connect and surrender. This tenderness although is by no means meek or weak. It actually has more of a knowing and strength to it. Thank god for all the beautiful TENDER men in the world who are just living who they were born as and not what the world has tried to impose.
I see the sweetest gentlest boys turn themselves into hardened tough people to protect themselves and try and demonstrate to the world that they are not weak. This is very apparent in secondary school where there is a very narrow expression that is ‘acceptable’ as a young male.
This is very true and a very sad state of affairs, How awesome would it be if school approached these young men in a way that allows them to show their innate beautiful loving selves without being ridiculed and made wrong for a tenderness and expression that is anything but hard and loveless.
Our perceptions of boys, especially teenage boys are very negative. When they are seen together in big groups, immediate suspicion is aroused and people can become quite frightened. This is really sad.
“… the innocence of a man is truly beauty-full.” It’s so true Nicole, a magnificent precious gem that we have, for very selfish reasons both global and individual, all chosen to smother up so that men can be manipulated to act in exact opposite to their innately tender, loving core. Your decision to raise you children in honour of this preciousness is an awesome choice to restore correct order and expression to the world. This is not an easy path to tread at present in this era where our multi-faceted media portrays an array of conflicting messages that condemn a man for expressing who he really is, deeply caring, exquisitely tender and very innocent. Thank God for Serge Benhayon, for not only does he openly express his immensely innocent love, but confirms the everyday ordinariness of wearing not only our hearts on our sleeves, but our tenderness, fragility and inner beauty too, to the hilt.
A very touching blog, your boys are very blessed to have the freedom to express the way they do.
The Teddy Bear within men is never lost just forgotten! Most of us, if not all have at some point been told/forced to put our childish ways on a shelf and get on with being a man. We can remove the walls we have spent a lifetime building and expose the soft and tender person that we have hidden for so long. What will the world look like when all men are allowed to express themselves growing up, as you are allowing your sons?
Speaking from a guys point of view it is just so amazing to slowly remove the hardness built up over the years and now know that it is totally natural to be gentle and tender and not fall into the trap of always having to compete, on some level with other men, there are no losers in a world of non competition.
Thank you for sharing your family with us Nicole, you really highlight how easily, with two very differently expressing boys it could be to go into ideals about how they should be brought up…maybe protecting the 3 year old who is sensitive, and encouraging the one that likes trucks and hammers to be more manly. What you show is boys need the same tender loving support regardless of their outward expression. We still have a long way to go in our society in allowing people to be, without imposing the many ideals and beliefs that surround what it means to live as a man or a woman in this world.
Nicole, this article is fantastic, working part time in a school I hear this all the time, ‘boys will be boys’, which basically seems to mean that boys will fight and push each other and hurt each other and that’s just how boys are.
I have seen these boys grow up from little I know how fragile and sweet they naturally are and that the fighting is not truly them, even if it’s play fighting it feels rough and unnatural and usually someone gets hurt, it doesn’t feel ok to accept this behaviour.
Nicole describing your boys and the way you and your husband allow them to grow up in their own natural expression strongly stands out to what the current beliefs are around how a man should be in society – this must cause huge confusion within them, because it goes against everything they innately know to be true.
The questions of why men are pigeoned-holed in these ways are great questions to ask and ponder. Could it be that by doing so it enables us hide, lie and be irresponsible? That if we do not do this then we become transparent and cannot deny our responsibility, which at present is just too scary and seems too much?
Nicole, I am deeply touched by this blog. There is such a deep honouring of the natural, innate tenderness of your children and full support for their own unique expressions to be lived. To be met in this way, for who they are and not imposing what is expected of them and considered ‘normal’ by societies standards, is a priceless gift and reflection of Love, not only to your family, but to the world.
There is so much in our society that encourages the tough macho image that men and boys are expected to live up to. However, there is one change that I find very beautiful and that is that men are no longer considered ‘sissy’ if they care for and are very ‘hands on’ with babies and young children. In taking tender care of a young child they are able to express their own true tenderness.
I agree Mary, these days it’s not uncommon to see men at daycare centres or looking after young children. Like you say being more ‘hands on’.
There is this idea we have to protect our boys (and girls too) to fit in and thus prepare them by making them hard and tough ( like the saying ‘men don’t cry’) which is a pure lie, look at any baby and you will know there is such a strength in their fragility and awesomeness. And yes to ‘….we as women have to begin to live our own inner qualities of gentleness and tenderness, to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and fragile, to reflect an openness that supports and allows men to begin to live theirs.’
Thank you Nicole, for opening up your life so that we may see and be inspired by you.
Thank you Nicole a very beautiful sharing. Our society is very lost when also women start to toughen up, and this is exactly what happened. Men are encouraged to obviously be ‘hard’ as in brave, tough and strong but I found women can sometimes be even harder in the way they push themselves, think negatively about themselves and compare. It is great to realise this is not our natural way for both genders and that to come out of that both are needed to change and claim their true tender nature.
A curious observation made recently is that men are the ones expressing themselves with openness, gentleness and warmth and women are the one who have become hard, task focussed and at times lacking in feeling. I’ve also found it easier to have conversations with men who are just being themselves, whereas women in a constant rush often find it difficult to just be Interesting to explore how this turn around happened.
Great observation Kehinde – I have found the same too. It is so gorgeous to talk with men when they are connected to this part of themselves, and I noticed too that there seems to be a rushing around and toughening up of the women too, maybe to do with the perception that that is what is needed to succeed in a ‘man’s world’….
Nicole the whole concept of “boys will be boys” is really horrible both for the boys/men and the women/girls in the world. Take a recent example, a conversation at work was going on and two colleagues where speaking about the way their male partners had behaved. They advised that “boys will be boys” when the topic covered things they were hurt by, it was like a broad brush excuse as to why the men/boys where not being responsible and loving. Yet nothing about how the way these men acted was true/loving or indeed anything that constituted being in a relationship. To me this shows the importance women (and men) have to actually speak up and not accept “boys will be boys” and instead bring things back to “is that loving and honoring”?
Beautifully said MA. What comes to mind as well is that saying the casual “oh boys will be boys” does not ask us as women to look at why we are accepting such abusive behaviour. Instead it is taken as how men are naturally – which is not true and hides the true issue: our lack of feeling self-worth in life.
Well said MA and awesome example to bring. I have also heard this being said from some neighbours when their boys and male partners behaved in ways that are clearly not loving or acknowledging their gentle tender side. I even heard one mother say that her boy has to really toughen up, that it can’t be that he cries after a soccer match if he has not caught the ball (he used to be goal keeper) . As long as these ways of being are taught to the boys and as long as then the following behaviour to reflect this teaching gets brushed off, true expression in all that they are will be quite a challenge, especially without the loving support and reflection of others that have been able to reconnect to that side of themselves.
I like how you have shared Nicole that although despite the differences in your two sons – one wanting to play with Dolls and dresses and the other preferring to play with hammers and trucks (I personally loved both) they have the same affectionate qualities and both are naturally who they are.
This is the truth of it – just because we may prefer different expressions of who we are does not mean we don’t hold that gorgeous quality of tenderness and affection as well.
A beautiful sharing Nicole. In reading this, is it possible that we as women add to this picture of the tough man because if men truly are in their tenderness, it exposes when a woman is not – and we as women have long identified ourselves as the delicate ones when in fact we can be quiet hard in ourselves too. i watch my husband and a few other men I know who are so gorgeously tender in their movements and how they are and it is so inspiring to see but yes – sometimes I am asked to look at my own movements and it can feel uncomfortable if I resist the depth that I can also go too. So saying boys will be boys feels like a justification for the set-up we have long been part of – keeping men tough and women not wanting to go deeper.
First paragraph was like BOOM! Men Love it when we show our vulnerability, gentleness and sweetness. But when I am hard and being rough with myself I notice how my two sons and husband don’t feel safe to be fragile. I totally agree that a man expressing tenderly does ask us to drop our guards and surrender to our loveliness and doesn’t need to do anything, be recognized, impress anyone or tick boxes.
Aimee spot on, as Men we always notice when a women is not themselves and not in their vulnerability and that hurts us, it’s little wonder why so many men carry on being not who they are and whilst its no excuse it does show the real power that women have to inspire men back to the tenderness they are.
We all, both boys and girls, men and women are trapped in a false image of how we should behave and express in life and all images do not allow the true gender qualities to be lived in full. Only when we let go if these images, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, tender and delicate again, we will experience a complete different world, one that is about a quality of life and the importance of living this in full as this quality will eventually free us from the impositions we have put on ourselves and onto society.
Very beautiful article Nicole. I so agree that the catch phrase ‘Boys will be boys’ should be challenge and exposed for the cover-up and excuse that it is. Kathleen Baldwin and myself have written an article for a website that begins to explore this and we cite Ex-Police Commissioner Ken Lay , who last year called upon us as a society to consider that our lack of self-reflection and our collective complacency underlie gendered violence. It is the cultural beliefs and attitudes we have not addressed in ourselves that we unwittingly pass down to our children. Lines like, “Boys will be boys”; “What did the girl do to provoke him?”; “What were you thinking, going out dressed like that?”; “The girl was asking for it” – show the deck is stacked against women who often go to a default position of blaming themselves, deferring to these cultural attitudes – See more at: http://www.unimedliving.com/relationships/gender-equality/why-wait-let-s-discard-out-of-date-and-abusive-attitudes-about-gender-now.html#sthash.HwdG8ZuE.dpuf
This is one very awesome blog Nicole; thank you for writing what is so very important for all of us, both men and women, to hear. The expectations society has for men is massive and so very deleterious to, not only their well-being, but for the well-being of all those around them. To honour our little boys as the naturally tender beings that they are and to let go of the destructive belief that they are supposed to toughen up and close down their innate feelings as they grow, will open a long closed doorway to what a man truly is, and it is up to women to pave the way and be there to welcome them through it.
Very well said Nicole, it was a joy to read this wonderful blog – thank you.
ps: there is a great collection of free audio and quotes here: http://www.unimedliving.com/voice/audio-by-category/men-audio.html on what it is to be a true man.
Yes, very well said, Nicole and Nicola. As a man it is very confirming to read.
Hear, hear!
Nicole, I can feel you know how beautiful you are by the way you have expressed about the boys snd men in your life. This is so key for us as women. Understanding that our way of being either supports or negates the exquisitely tender and delicate essence we all derive from, genders aside, is fundamental if we are to return humanity back to the oneness of Love and true harmony. Thank you.
This is a great point Peta. The most powerful inspiration and support for a return to our true nature and true expression is offered by someone who is already living this for themselves.
So true, as when someone lives this way it will touch all and the offer of returning to this natural state of being, just by the expression of that livingness, is reflected to everyone around.
Until we collectively realise as a society that our greatest strength is found in our openness; our ability to be vulnerable and allow ourselves to feel and sense all that is there, we will keep endorsing an image of masculinity that serves to annihilate our expression of this. Deep down we are genderless. However the genders exist as a seeming polarity until we learn to balance both the energies of the maleness and femaleness, the movement and the stillness.
So true Liane, both these expressions are within us, the energy of stillness and motion. We cannot have one without the other if we are to know true harmony.
Yes, both are necessary in our daily lives, as one will support us in our activities and the other in our repose time, so that we can bring all of us to all we express.
Hugely important point Liane, the blend of male and femaleness is found in us all, but we get so wrapped up in the identity of being a man or a woman, and for men this results in a battle with ourselves as we struggle to balance our natural feminine qualities with the skewed masculine identity we feel is expected of us.
‘And if men stay in their hardness and protection, then it does not challenge us to step out of our own protections and hardness we have created over the years.’ So true, Nicole, and it works both ways, for if we don’t let go of our protection then it is harder for men to express their tenderness.
Nicole, you have put focus on something that definitely needs to be addressed. This label we have placed on our boys keeps us all in protection and anyone who has brought up boys will have been aware how sweet and sensitive they are, but when this is not encouraged or allowed the boys easily adopt the tough model – but at a price, for it requires them to shut down and deny their true nature. When I observe fathers with their children I can see how it brings out their tenderness and I’m sure that being a father has helped your husband to come back to this tenderness, plus of course being with you once you started to let go of your protection for we as mothers provide a huge reflection for the family.
Gorgeously highlighted and expressed Nicole you raise some gems here worth a decent ponder…On ‘boys will be boys’: “Are we just giving them a wide scope to be able to get away with behaviour we deem unacceptable for girls or young women, —– or is it that we do not want to allow them to be gentle and tender because then we would have to stop and see how far we have fallen from our own lived gentleness and tenderness?” Quite, i imagine in many cases, and also deeply sad so too especially when we’re on the receiving end of a man’s harshness, when deep down he is the entire opposite.
When women open their eyes to themselves and stop trying to behave like men, women and men then have the space and clarity to see that men are also deeply sensitive and precious. And when a man is met in his essence, he melts into who he is and can then bring this to the world.
I love the message of this blog highlighting how we have the opportunity to allow children to express in their own way without imposing our beliefs and ideals of how they should be. We have reduced what we are to fit into a very narrow label and container and it does not really serve ourselves or others.
Jenny you are spot on when you say ‘We have reduced what we are to fit into a very narrow label and container and it does not really serve ourselves or others’. We have voluntarily rolled ourselves in long lines of sausage meat and are queuing up to be made into chipolatas! What a truly gross reduction.
So beautifully said Nicole. There’s a trend around today to accept that Men might have more feelings than we think. But this is just a watered down version of the brutal hardness you out here. What I have found thanks to the Esoteric healing sessions I have had is the idea we have of boys and men is the exact opposite to how we naturally want to be. This is the most delicate, warm, affectionate, intimate and tactile human being you can see. I for one say yes to being and living that.
“Delicate, warm, affectionate, intimate and tactile”, yes please lets have more of that. Thank you Joseph for distinguishing between the trend which encourages men to express their emotions more openly and what is referred to here which is to actually express their gorgeous tender essence.
So many men walk around believing that they have to be tough. Just today I reminded a man I was talking to that men are actually as sensitive and delicate as women, but they think they have to portray an outer hardness. I could see the relief in his eyes when he heard my words. We need to help men release themselves from the self-made prison encouraged by society.
Beautiful Rebecca. I’ve seen both men and women melt when I remind them of their sweet and sensitive nature. People are crying out for the space to simply be themselves.
Absolutely Leonne… People are indeed crying out for the space to simply be themselves in this world that provides so many images and pictures it becomes confusing and complicated… when simply being ourselves is such a harmonious, loving and joyful way to be.
Yes Rebecca that is exactly what is needed. The relief that man showed proves both that the imposed toughness is not natural, and that if they are given permission men want to return and restore their natural sensitivity they knew so well as children.
It’s vitally important that we address how we raise boys because if they become shut down, tough, hardened and unable to connect to how they feel or to express that, it can then lead to all sorts of issues such as alcoholism, drug use, violence and being very uncaring with their body and health. Pressuring boys and men to not be themselves is a form of abuse which no doubt leads to other forms of abuse, if not in some cases suicide.
This is very beautiful in my body Nicole. Just recently I really got to feel the responsibility that I hold as a woman and moving in my own tenderness when around a teenager that I know, as this invisible support is far more powerful and potent, than any words that could be said. And even if that holding is not accepted at that time for whatever reason, it is out there, and can’t be taken back, so is forever lingering, waiting for the moment where it is realized and felt.
This is something that I reflected on today, that is how I am consistently with others especially young people and what do I reflect to them. In how I am does it allow another to honour or feel their own tenderness and delicateness whether a boy or a girl?
Julie what you have so eloquently expressed is becoming my understanding as well. For years I have attempted to ‘talk my way into’ the men in my life but an energetic practitioner pointed out that we communicate far more with our bodies than we do our words and I have since found that as I place more emphasis on the quality of the way that I move and touch people, rather than what I say then this has been far more effective.
This is beautiful Nicole seeing young boys and men share there innate tenderness is an inspiration for us all because it not only shows other men and boys that there is another way to be, but also reflects to women and young girls an opportunity to explore and honour their own innate sacredness and stillness. It really is a godsend for us all. Thank you for sharing.
Nicole, I love how you have highlighted that both boys have different ways to express their inner qualities, but those inner qualities are the same. This equally relates to us all. Thank you.
Yes, it is a good point to make sure we don’t pigeon hole anyone in their expression of who they are, while at the same time knowing that we are all the same inside.
Great call Nicole. Allowing boys to be who they are in expression and honouring their innate tenderness would have to be the best antidote to the alarming and rising suicide rates of young men in this and other countries. We need to drop the ideals and images that have been imposed on them
Nicole, thank you for sharing so beautifully expressed and so very honouring of boys and of men. And how amazing it is for your 2 boys to be growing up honouring who they truly are and allowing them to simply be without trying to put any ideals or expectations onto them about how they should be.
“Meanwhile there is a trapped little boy within,” This is an absolute gem of truth and wisdom that the world would benefit from as headline news. I can feel how many people it would bring to a point of humble agreement. The letting go of the push and hardness adopted as a way to live, would drop – at least for a few moments. What a powerful experience and blessing to the universe if we all feel this at the same time.
Yes I have had that experience when many years ago, sharing with Serge Benhayon something and the response was just that ““Meanwhile there is a trapped little boy within,” It stopped me in my tracks and made me reflect and from that day I saw and see men very differently now…
When men and boys express themselves it is very beautiful. It can be confronting when a boy honours his tenderness as it shows us how we have negated this in ourselves. I am deeply appreciative of men and boys who do allow themselves to express- it is very healing for all.
I agree Kristy – there is a strength in actually expressing tenderly or from an honesty that is often unappreciated in society but which is very beautiful to receive from another
” I am deeply appreciative of men and boys who do allow themselves to express- it is very healing for all.” – yes so true and deeply deeply needed!
I totally agree Karina. A man’s strength is in his sensitivity and openness.
The way you and your partner are raising your children, is supporting them to know who they are from the inside out and giving them permission to live that. What an amazing gift you are not only giving them but also to the world as we all want to live that.
I agree, your kids will be living reminders to all those that they meet that we all share the same known quality.
That is just the most gorgeous photograph. Thankyou also for sharing this article. I have a son who is the most tender and sensitive of people, aware of what is going in in the world around him, robust and resilient also. Even at his young age, he feels he needs to be tough and fit in, already worried about body image and popularity. Raising him with the awareness of the pressure that boys and men are under gives my son the opportunity to overcome these social and culture pressures that are gagging and ultimately killing men.
Love your sharing and we are in a similar situation as well – there has been hardening to what is felt yet not really toughening – and now it’s coming back to gentleness and more connectedness and it’s lovely to see and feel.
Mary, this indeed would be a great place to start begin some research, considering the number of men diagnosed with prostate cancer. And yes, maybe we could consider that it may not be so much to do with lifestyle choices, but with their energetic state of being which comes from the way men perceive themselves to be.
I think it would be fair to say that the current view of men and boys is quite evil. This notion that men don’t cry and that boys are role modelling this and in many cases encouraged to tough it out is destroying the sense of self that every person needs to appreciate within themselves. I would say it is confronting for most men if their boy wears dresses but isn’t that a fantastic marker for any man of how comfortable they are in their own skin, that they can support a son to just be who he wants to be.
So true Stephen, I agree and it is a huge marker for the man when he can gently and tenderly allow his son to explore his expression unfettered by any prejudices or fears. Your comment confirms to me how much pressure we put on our children to conform to a set of rules rather than to celebrate their inherent qualities and allow them to discover who they are.
These archaic rules don’t serve anyone and have never truly served anyone, the hardening and the suppression of what is truly felt is reflected in the immense number of mental and emotional illness resulting in medication to push it even further into the body – so much healing is required…
And what will support this healing is talking about the subject, getting it out into the open, and at the same time letting go of these rules that we have imposed on OURSELVES and allowing our children to just be who they are, because my feeling is that children innately know who they are, they just get waylaid by the pictures, ideal, beliefs and expectations of those around them when they are growing up.
Absolutely Stephen. Especially because it is hurt that leads a man to seek to harden and toughen up as they naturally would not do this in their essence. Hence thinking that a man crying as being wrong is contrary to allowing them to open up, heal their hurts and move and embrace more of their delicate tender essence.
Well said Joshua – and more so that in hardening and toughening up men hurt themselves far more than the rejection they may have initially felt.
Love your expression Stephen and it is for all of us truly fantastic when we all, boy or girl, man or woman, are feeling awesome in our skin, and bringing that to our livingness all of the time…
We live in a world where men are killed for wearing dresses and where whole towns ostracise families for having a gay son. Men are even victimised for being gentle let alone gay. There’s a lot of pressure on men and boys to be who they are not. I say this knowing that at the heart of every man is a gentle man.
We do men such a grave injustice through so many imposed ideals that prevent them from expressing their innate tenderness and joy. No wonder the suicide rates are so high, we leave them nowhere to go when we enforce them to enjoin a code of behaviour that can go so deeply against their grain.