I am the father of three children aged 10, 6 and 4 and of late I have been learning a lot about children, responsibility and being a parent. For instance, I had been making the children their lunches and breakfast every morning for a while, but now this has changed.
This morning the youngest child, who is 4, told me she would like to make the lunches for everyone today. At first I was a little hesitant with thoughts like, “What about the mess?”, “You can’t reach everything”, “I’d rather just do it myself”, all coming to mind. I let those thoughts go and let myself feel what she was saying / expressing, and I could see she wanted to actually do it.
She started making the lunches and my little boy, who is 6, got up and said he would like to make his own. Again a voice was there: “They will fight and argue”, “A bigger mess to clean up”, “I’d rather do it myself”, etc.
I stopped and again let myself feel what the children were saying / expressing; I said “Yes” and let it go. I watched, and enjoyed the two of them working in the kitchen together. They packed the lunches very similarly to how I do it – apples, cold bricks, sandwiches and snacks. They packed their elder sister’s lunch with all the things she liked. Their lunches were similar but they tailored each of them to what they knew they liked. The 6 year old made the sandwiches and handed them to the 4 year old to pack into the lunch boxes. They worked together and not against each other – it was really enjoyable to watch.
As I looked and reflected, I realised that in the past I had told them about responsibility and forced the children to do things under the heading of ‘responsibility’.
But now I can see that for me parenting is not pushing or telling the children what to do in the hope some of it will be listened to. Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.
Making the children lunches wasn’t to show I was a great parent or to show them anything. I was there, committed to doing their lunches for as long as needed. But I realised this morning that this had changed and now I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves. I was still there for support, and I was no less because I wasn’t actually making the lunches.
I think there is a bigger picture here for me in my life that goes beyond parenting, children and responsibility. It’s not about telling children / people what to do or showing them ‘how’ in any way that ‘gets’ them to see.
It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.
Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.
I have learned a lot from my ‘experiment’ with my children and responsibility. These ‘changes’ for me as a man have given me more freedom and are allowing me to say / express in a way that is more true to the man I actually am, naturally.
By RK, Goonellabah
Children know far more about what is going on then we give them credit for. Giving a child responsibility is the best schooling for life.
My job involves supporting people with disabilities to be independent. Yes I may able to do various tasks faster or more precise but doing it for another when they are perfectly capable doesn’t support them. It’s also really awesome to see what people can do and how they do it in their way that I may not of thought of before. We don’t see the beauty of someones expression if we do everything for them.
Thanks Leigh for your comment, and the blog really highlights how allowing everyone, adults or kids, the space to do things their own way and not be perfect, but as you say Leigh, in their own expression, is a wonderful reminder to take away today. I know I can sometimes be a bit controlling in the kitchen with a mindset of how things ‘have to’ be done.
Thank you so much for writing this blog especially what you have shared here
“I was there, committed to doing their lunches for as long as needed. But I realised this morning that this had changed and now I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves. I was still there for support, and I was no less because I wasn’t actually making the lunches.”
To have the understanding that the children were ready to do something themselves and yes they may not make the sandwiches in the way that you can but they have to start somewhere. And it is lovely to stop and watch them become independent and take responsibility for themselves.
A beautiful lesson in true parenting; teaching through example and then standing back when children are ready to take responsibility for themselves.
Parenting and responsibility go hand in hand – or at least it ought to
RK I really got the sense of you being a ‘moving part’ within the family. Not fixed and yet at the same time solid. Beautiful to feel. Thank you.
In being willing to let go of tasks we allow others to empower themselves and feel their valuable contribution.
In the past I have insisted on doing many things myself so as to ensure that they are done ‘my way’ because had they not been done ‘my way’ then I would have struggled with how I would have allowed myself to feel. Over time I have been practicing focusing on keeping myself steady regardless of what’s going on around me and as a result have been able to let go of a lot of the control that I had previously exhibited on both my environment and those around me. Boy oh boy does it feel better this way.
RK, I love what you are sharing in this article. My son has recently decided he would like to make some of his own meals, I also had the initial thoughts of “I would rather do it” and thought that he would not be able to, but it was really lovely to see how capable he is and how much he enjoys making his meals, he also makes them in a very gentle and tender quality which is very inspiring to see.
Working together in harmony is such a pleasure and as we deepen the developing relationship with our essences the simpler it becomes to not interfere with anthers evolutionary path.
Thank you RK for sharing this gorgeous revelation and example of what true responsibility is. Committing to being open to honouring the truth of that we see, feel and read, allows us to respond with what is truly needed to support or pulled up each other to live our true selves and evolve.
Responsibility, our responsibility in what we do and what we reflect is huge, ‘But now I can see that for me parenting is not pushing or telling the children what to do in the hope some of it will be listened to. Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.’
Great blog, thank you. I love what you write:
‘Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.’
And what a great example for children is that!
This sentence highlights to me our true role in life, which is to be responsive to it rather than to try and own it.
What a lovely example of children choosing to be responsible, and allowing the process to unfold, ‘Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.’
Ouch. I find this a bit ouch to read today as sometimes when I have friends over for dinner who have children, there can be a force from me in wanting the children to set the table and participate in the preparing of the meals. It feels like forcing a responsibility, rather than allowing it to come or asking them to join us in it.
It is so lovely to allow children to do things for themselves, to take the next step and invariably we find they are far more capable than we were initially expecting.
When we are given the chance to step up we should grab it with both hands as you have surely demonstrated in this blog for who knows when the next opportunity will present itself.
Kids watch everything going on around them. It is fascinating to observe how they copy what their parents do – so there comes a point where we show them and then allow them to try things for themselves. It is a beautiful way of letting them in and allowing them to express.
Thank you RK, it’s a different way to view responsibility as a parent – responding to the cues of what children are ready for and allowing them the space to expand.
Love love love the fact you allowed your children the space to take responsibility, this is true parenting.
This is beautiful RK as it highlights the fact that children are innately wise contrary to the belief that we have to teach children to be wise, that because they are children that know less than what we do and so have to be taught. Allowing them space and confirming the expressing of their wisdom, of what it is that need to grow and evolve is precisely our responsibility as parents or guardians, so they are fostered to know and live guided by their own innate intelligence and inner-knowing.
What a beautiful example of allowing and raising children to come to their own understanding of responsibility and living it without imposition or force.
It is very inspiring to see and feel how you parent your children Ray as it teaches me a lot about what true parenting is and can be like.
I have found that kids respond best to purpose, when they are connected too and given purpose we allow them the space to express and bring out all that they know and are capable of. When we limit kids to an education of regurgitation and when we do things for them we cut them off from this and retard their growth.
Thank you for giving us an insight into your kitchen and the way you have chosen to parent. I can see that children who are given the space to step up do so joyfully. These children have been supported to grow into adults that support themselves and their communities.
” As I looked and reflected, I realised that in the past I had told them about responsibility and forced the children to do things under the heading of ‘responsibility’. ”
This is a huge learning , what children love is for adults to be beholding of them that way they learn what they need to learn to support their own development.
I would have loved to been asked more to help out, as a child I could feel how those around me felt burdened with the amount of work they had to do – it would have been super cool to have been asked to help no matter how small it was. Asking children for help in a loving way shows utmost respect for them.
We intentionally hold back from giving children this foundation of truth. For whilst we might moan about their waywardness the fact is it keeps them dull, numb and unlikely to show us up. For when you let kids shine you have to be prepared to accept what happens when their light shines. Thank you RK.
Holding back so often can be because children so often mirror a great level of responsibility to connect to others that we can slip away from with our levels of busy times or distractions.
We often say no to children helping because we feel it is going to take twice as long, be really messy or they are going to hurt themselves cutting with a sharp knife but when we let go of these thoughts and trust we find how our children naturally want to help when given the opportunity and do so with great care and joy.
Its always good for me to read anything written about parenting as like many I struggle with it at times, lacking the patience or whatever. But this shows me that often we need to get out of the way and let that responsibility develop naturally in our kids and then it will be far more solid even though there will be the times we will have to step in if it starts going wonky.
Yes, I love that Kevin, I also find the blogs on these pages about parenting very supportive as they are honest, real and true. We can be very judgemental about our own ability to parent but it’s never too late to change and when we drop the judgment of ourselves and appreciate every moment as an opportunity to learn then we start to see our ‘mistakes differently’. Something which Serge Benhayon has said time and time again is it is never too late to parent differently no matter how old your children are.
What I love about this is that you lived it every day and your kids learnt from it and then they wanted to be part of it, this has to be parenting at it’s best – being an amazing role model so that kids have something amazing and true and real to look up to and to see what’s possible so they can start to make responsible choices for themselves.
We can’t teach responsibility but we can role model it which is what you did and then when they were ready to take it on you gracefully stepped back into a supporting role and allowed them to blossom. This is so loving and non imposing and also a great reflection in other areas e.g. my role as a support worker I need to work alongside clients but be very sensitive to when they are able to pick up the reins for themselves rather than automatically continuing with a task if it is not needed/would actually hold someone’s recovery back.
“But I realised this morning that this had changed and now I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves”- In my experience as a parent I can really relate to this statement since there have been many times when I thought I was helping my daughter to do something or learn something, but in the end I was really just imposing on her natural evolution and choice to take more responsibility herself by doing things on her own. Being invested in myself to be a certain way as a supportive dad can really get in the way of this growth.
As parents we tend to micro manage our kids. But in truth by crowding our kids the only thing that we are truly managing to do is to interfere with their potential growth. Allowing our kids to have space, allows them to have the space to evolve. Space is intelligence and so when we shut it down for another we limit their access to the intelligence of space.
There are so many old patterns of parenting that everyone will benefit by when they are let go of.
Yes the feeling that we need to parent the way we were parented as that is our only known way does not allow for a growth or understanding that it may not work in this case and that we all offer each other a different reflection.
This is lovely and so great you were there to honour the commitment of your children to their life thank you for sharing.
What an incredible example of true parenting in action. There is no stress and a blossoming and expansion of absolute love when we are not identified with a role and simply allow others to be who they are.
What a lovely example of team work, super cute!
I have the privilege of having a friends child round for dinner once in a while and I often ask him to help with sweeping the floor laying the table and he absolutely loves it.
What greater education then to lovingly ask children to help out.
‘Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.’ Yes, parenting it is not something we do, but an observing attitude that allows and supports children to learn naturally what they need to learn next.
“It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.” It takes the pressure off. I love the industry I work in and see all the time what changes are needed to improve business returns. When I have got in the way of forcing the change quickly or controlling it, the system rebuts and the focus shifts to me being the issue, however, as RK points out, committing in full exposes what needs to change naturally so and if it comes from them it is true change.
I have to watch out too for the brief thoughts of comfort that can come in and tease me but by holding steady knowing what is true and sometimes I have to remind myself that I do know I respond to my children with love. Consistency is key.
What I love about this is that it points out that you can’t ‘make’ someone responsible. It is something that comes from within, through our own choices we can inspire another to make choices that are more supportive of themselves and others but we can’t force or convince them to do it- otherwise it is not a true and lasting impulse from them.
It’s wonderful to read about the cooperation happening so early… Could it be that this is actually inherent to us, and that we really do need to work together to be ourselves in truth
This is such a great example of not keeping everyone stuck in identifying with roles and recognition.
It is so beautiful to read and feel R.K you just being you in all of your love and true care and holding that in full so that your children have that consistent solid reflection as a support which the children then pick up on and can respond to because they have felt it within themselves.
If we dont make cleaning, cooking or doing chores, being responsible a big deal, a struggle or something to be resisted, but an equal and enjoyable part of living life, then our children wont grow up resisting, rebelling or not helping out because to be a committed part of the family unit is just the everyday normal.
There is something that is really heart-warming when we allow others to embrace new responsibilities by initiating it themselves when they are ready – no matter what their age is.
It is so interesting to see the patterns we go into as parents, how we do things for our children and how we get comfortable as everyone gets used to things being done in a certain way. You go with the easiest and quickest route rather than the route that is needed for everyone to take responsibility. These reflections and opportunities are gold.
This is a perfect example for showing us adults that children do know what to do if given the opportunity. Often we as adults can get in the way if we let our pictures take over of what they can and cannot do, along with believing that if they x, y and z, then things will take too long or it’s easier to do it myself, but ultimately these pictures do not help them to grow – or us for that matter.
I absolutely love this blog post. I really enjoy observing children taking on responsibility because they want to. It’s amazing to watch. And for a parent to let go of the reigns is uncommon, but what an awesome outcome. So good!
Wow this shows how important it is to reflect to our kids’ responsibility and to involve them. My 13-month-old is helping me take the washing off the line and put it in the machine, and she will take a cleaning cloth and clean the floor because she copies and watches everything I do. It is really beautiful to watch her play with purpose – and this leads to her responsibility as she grows up.
When children are held with equalness and valued for who they are and what they contribute, it is natural for them to reflect what is offered by these adults. Parenting with responsibility offers children the marker of responsibility.
RK what you share is so important “It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.” I have this same experience with my nieces, what I noticed suddenly they make the change because they want to and its so beautiful to see them flowing together doing things together.
If I ever have children, I hope to reflect this level of responsibility that comes so naturally that the children take it in their stride and don’t grow up to believe responsibility = burden.
Awesome RK! Such a beautiful way of being with your children. They themselves would learn so much from simply being given the space to express themselves without the control of someone else telling them their version of the right way.
I enjoyed this blog and the thing that stood out for me was ‘I let those thoughts go and let myself feel what she was saying / expressing and I could see she wanted to actually do it’. How many times do parents over ride what their children are saying or asking and just do things for them? Instead you allowed the space to really feel what was being presented and the children took it upon themselves to be independent and developed their own rhythm – great parenting lesson.
If children are supported they naturally want to take more responsibility, as they get older. To them, responsibility is not some big burden but a great opportunity to be more of who they are. This is invigorating and parents should never get in the way of that.
Your children naturally wanting to take responsibility for their own lunch boxes is a great example of how easily we can crush them if we don’t stop and feel what they are really asking. If you had stayed with … there will be a mess , they can’t reach anything and it will be easier to do it myself, then we are holding our children back from taking responsibility and offering them and opportunity to give up. It is a great learning for us all that if we give space to people we can often be surprised by what unfolds and has nothing to do with the pictures we have created in our head of how we think something will play out.
What if we, as adults, gave life our one billion percent commitment and took responsibility for the fact that we are actually role models for kids? Could that inspire them also to take responsibility and to take their lives seriously too?
There is something quite marvellous in such young children taking control of their own lunches. I remember going on a week long residential at college when I was 17, and one of my fellow students standing over his bed, bemoaning the fact he didn’t know how to make it as it had always been done for him. I guess this would be an instance where false love has been applied, that desire to do everything for a child, is not actually loving, as it leaves them unable to stand on their own.
Thank you RK for a great blog, showing how we as parents don’t need to control our children lives, but that by your reflection of preparing the lunches the children were able to do the lunches for themselves, how beautiful and confirming for your children for you to allow them this freedom by supporting them to be responsible.
A beautiful, wise and powerful lesson in parenting thank you RK; what a blessing for your children and for you.
Often the circumstances in life, no matter what they are, are an offering in learning for ourselves and not a learning in what we think it is. Children are amazing at bringing light in the simplest way and the outcome in this case has been the most precious gift – a deeper understanding of who you are RK. – ‘These ‘changes’ for me as a man have given me more freedom and are allowing me to say / express in a way that is more true to the man I actually am, naturally’.
There is such a true and beautiful holding quality and respect for your children in what you’ve shared here RK. Along with patience and allowing… How often are parents, or indeed any adults around a child impatient to ‘get to the next thing’ when a child is learning and choosing to do something themselves? Would not the child feel this pressure and simply oftentimes want to give up on what they are doing?
This applies to all of us – allowing the space for another to develop and discover their own way of doing something (often inspired by parents or others) offers a powerful support for all of one’s activities in life, a foundation of knowing that we are honoured, trusted and imbued with our own abilities to do what it is that we choose to do.
A beautiful example of true parenting where you are a role model in preparing the lunches with love and care for each child’s choices and the children then reflecting this back to you by seeing how to do it with the same love and care.
Brilliant RK, this way of being you describe is not a lecturing or a dictation, a forcing or an imposition – but an inspiration to stand up and the opportunity for others to build on that. So rather than enforcing ‘the right way’, you open others up to the possibility that they can contribute, be part of, and make this approach their own. What a yummy life it is when we choose to be our own best support and bring to the table, our own part of the puzzle.
Great to feel your lack of identification with the parenting role and your willingness to support your children to step up in their level of responsibility and how beautifully they responded. So often parents complain when children are older about how irresponsible they are with no recognition for how they have contributed to this state of affairs. Children need true role models who can reflect and allow for the taking of responsibility in incremental age appropriate steps which can come from parents but also other adults they regularly interact with.
I love this sharing- it is great to encourage and support children to do things for themselves and to learn their part in the family and how they can contribute and support the family to function.
This is an incredible blog RK, many people would freak at letting very young children make their own lunches, we almost or do have that viewpoint that children are not capable to many many things – when this is untrue. If we gave them the opportunity, as you have, we would see that they are very very wise and capable beings. Maybe we don’t because it would expose something many of us don’t want to know or take responsibility for in ourselves, and that is the fact of reincarnation and that we have all been here before, many times.
Children can read what is needed and just do something, even young children at age nearly 2, when they have witnessed someone doing something consistently. This little boy had seen adults holding out a container for other children to place their used wipes into and he just took it upon himself one day to pick up the blue container and walk around to his friends and collect their used wipes. He had so much joy on his face at the time and when he had collected them all, he just replaced the container onto the trolley and walked back to his chair, with no fuss or need for anything at all.
A great example of true parenting – doing something until children are ready to step in and take over a task with you providing any support that is needed. So empowering for your children to take responsibility in their own time and work harmoniously together to get a task achieved. It is awesome when we can get ourselves out of the way and allow this.
It is lovely when we are open as you describe RK – life is much more fun and full of surprises.
Beautiful RK and I love that your children were making the lunches almost the same as you did it and took care for what each liked. This shows how children do learn so much by observation and thus it shows how important it is for us to ‘display’ true behaviours they can copy and learn and will support them in life too.
I can easily fall into the “I’d rather do it myself”. It’s quicker, it’s tidier…and that way I have control. I love what you have shared RK as I can feel what I am doing when I hold on to the reins when no longer needed. Telling children about responsibility is quite different that modelling it and allowing them to step into it for themselves.
‘ I was still there for support, and I was no less because I wasn’t actually making the lunches.’ When we let go of these things we feel we have to do or find some satisfaction in doing, or even just love doing, we open to the next step. The key is our commitment to ourselves and what needs to be done ‘It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children’ When we are guided by what unfolds in front of us not what our agenda dictates we are allowing true freedom and responsibility into our lives and ‘magic’ happens.
A beauty full example of true parenting – and how the images might fall apart because truth has made its way. Thank you for sharing that it is more important to feel what is true then to think what is right.
This is very sweet. And also exposing how controlling we can be in how ‘we’ want things done when in fact this isn’t supporting others to truly evolve. It also shows how we can force upon others what we feel or think is ‘right’ but not actually give them the space to feel or act upon this themselves. ‘As I looked and reflected, I realised that in the past I had told them about responsibility and forced the children to do things under the heading of ‘responsibility’.
It is essential that we allow flexibility to be an integral part of our lives, indeed to appreciate how essential flexibility is for us to be able to let go, move on, and evolve.
RK what an incredible blog to read and something that I will be coming back to as my daughter grows up. It’s really beautiful to see how parenting unfolds and to be aware not to get stuck in some way I think things need to be but constantly be open to what is needed next.
Beautiful RK what you have shared here, being committed to supporting the children but also honouring what they communicate and stepping aside to allow them new experiences so they can grow and develop. This situation so perfectly shows how we can allow the children the space to communicate themselves when they are ready for change, and be willing to let them lead the way within their own development.
Walking our talk as parents is so much more empowering. For example, how can we talk about the dangers of smoking, alcohol, drugs etc if we do those same things ourselves? Empowering children to then make their own choices – and give up control…..
This is such a huge parenting subject – when to let go and when to step in. In the experiences that I have each month, I can see how much my children want to explore the limits of what they are capable of, and it is astonishing to watch this grow as they discover who they are in the world. My hopes and fears have nothing to do with it, it is just them, and they are lovely.
Awesome. This is the kind of article that needs to go into parenting magazines or books etc. So simple, and so very true all at the same time. It would have been so amazing to watch the kids do their lunches together. And giving up the control would have allowed them so much space to enjoy what they were doing.
I love how by giving the children responsibility the children were responsible and worked beautifully together to get the job done.
It was beautiful to read how your children were with each other in the kitchen and what is possible when you offer them everything they need, then step back and allow them to take over the responsibility.
We can often set kids up for failure, we build things up and put pressure on them before they have even attempted a task, all under the banner of responsibility, what I love about what you have shared RK is how willing you are to get yourself out of the way.
Love this part: “I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves.” and I am wondering how often we do not support a children development just because we not get ‘ourselves out of the way’? And to learn and develop as well?
If the kitchen would be in a mess after my kids made lunches, I am the one who has to teach them how to clean up and leaving a clear space for the next person in the kitchen. So, a super next lesson for life would come up. But this reflects me as well how I am with all this themes which will come up in education and so, by holding them back, I hold me back as well. To teach responsibility, I have to live it, have to know what I am talking about in practice.
I just did discover this while I did write it…to ponder on.
“Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.”
I would say this same approach could be applied to workplace training as I have recently experienced by allowing someone to explain their understanding of a task without me constantly wanting to but in or show off what I know every five seconds. When I allow this is opens up space for them and myself. They grow from claiming their own understanding of what I have shared and in these moments I can actually sit back so to speak and not need to do anything and that is all I need to ‘do’ in that moment, that my active moments are enough and don’t need to be constantly pushing. In this regard I can see how I have done this when I clean a space in my house and stand back to feel it’s quality, in that moment of feeling I am not doing anything, just enjoying the reflection of the care I put into the cleaning. This same approach can be applied to training and parenting. Thank you R.K
Parenting can often be about control and the constant need to feel that you are doing the right thing. I have from my own experience found that support is primary when it is offered with choices to learn with responsibility and respect.
Ray, this is great to read, ‘ Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.’ I can feel how for myself when changes occur and my son is ready to take responsibility for something that I can sometimes resist and want things to stay the same and for me to continue doing whatever it is and so it is very supportive to read your article and allow these changes to happen rather than try and control things and keep them the same.
RK thanks for writing on a subject that has become very relevant in current times. The level of responsibility in parenting has often gone a miss due the common reactions we can have of: “It will take too long if they do it! “They will make a mess”. Our own beliefs and images of how things should be done often don’t give the children the opportunity to live and learn especially when they are openly asking for this. How often do we step back and ask the question Am I raising a child to be part of community or just exist in the community?
A beautiful lesson in parenting. Telling our children to be responsible means little until we stand back and allow them to take responsibility for themselves and feel what it means.
Thank you RK, I enjoyed reading your blog and the wisdom shared, I can remember as a parent wanting to be in control so that things ran smoothly, telling my children about responsibility, but not getting myself out of the way so they could actually be responsible.
I love the simplicity and wisdom shared in this blog R.K. especially this line ‘But now I can see that for me parenting is not pushing or telling the children what to do in the hope some of it will be listened to. Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.’ Very true and thank you for this reminder it is perfect timing for me this morning.
I remember this line often when I’m feeling stuck and not reading what my children are asking for next – “Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.”
Getting ourselves out of the way allows the magic to shine. Trusting others can do the same or even better by allowing that space, inspires others. When we allow this we see many moments that we might have not seen.
I have noticed this in the place where I work. The more caring I am and the more attention I give to detail the more others do the same and this in turn inspires me . It’s as if we all inspire each other to be more and when we allow this we are building harmony and a strong feeling of community.
This is beautiful RK and the simplicity in which parenting can be lived is so clear. I loved your comment – ‘Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes’ – has completely changed the way I understand my responsibility and role as a parent and a grandparent – actually it is a beautiful metaphor for life. Love it.
Yes, I agree RK, showing someone rather than telling them is definitely the way to go. Not many of us, whether children or adults, respond well to being told what to do. On the other hand if we are shown how to do something and it seems like the way to do it, we are on board. Also often when we show a person how to do something we are engaging and connecting to the person in the process if we are telling someone how to do something we are usually talking at the person it is no wonder that people do not respond well.
Thank you for this sharing RK – what a gift to step back and observe the magic of what children can bring, starting with a solid foundation of parents supporting them. You talk about responsibility and being a reflection until such time that the child makes a choice for themselves – and that is spot on. It is so much bigger than telling a child what to do, but rather being an example and then it is their responsibility in how they respond to that.
A great example R.K. of getting out of the way and allowing children to take more responsibility when they feel ready without no push or drive from the parents and I rather feel that without push or drive and with patience and love, that will happen sooner rather than later.
I know from experience that quite often the mess that is created by letting kids do things for themselves is not worth the hassle but the sooner they can be responsible for whatever they are doing, the sooner they can be responsible for the mess and everything else for that matter. The first time my daughter made her own pancakes it was a bit of a palaver but now she’s a dab hand at it. For me it is a case of getting the right balance of freedom with responsibility, the balance is not always level but has a way of rightening itself eventually.
I can totally relate to those thoughts RK because I would have had the same thoughts come to me if my children did the same. But what I love about you sharing this experience is that it highlights how important it is to allow ourselves a moment to feel what is truly supportive instead of just listening to our thoughts as sometimes they can take us away from allowing growth and expand for ourselves and others. What a wonderful experience it was for your children to feel you trust and encourage them to take responsibility.
It seems to be the case in so many things … if we can get ourselves out of the way …. Then magic can happen
I agree, RK. All we can really offer is to hold the space for people to develop at their own pace and choose to take responsibility for themselves. Anything else is an imposition and a form of control.
Parents can either keep on doing for their children long after the children are capable themselves and some seem to push their children to do grown up tasks before they are really ready. It is great how your children took the initiative and that you let them, still holding them with your presence. Allowing these changes in their own time. An increase in responsibility for you all.
RK I love this piece as it offers an alternate way to see our role as a parent not as something to do so much as having a willingness to be or offer what is needed. ‘It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children. Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.’ – Something I am learning to do as a parent, allowing and going to where I am needed rather than buying into an image of where I think I and my child needs to be. Such a great, practical and supportive blog for us all.
This is so true Jade Jamieson and what I have experienced is the willingness to offer what is needed is definitely a shift from what can be seen as hard work and resistance to bringing quality parenting to the children we raise.
Thank you RK for this blog. I really enjoyed reading it. I love what you say parenting is for you –”my dedication to doing something until it changes”. Kids and adults alike need to see consistency reflected before they can trust enough in the changes that are being called for.
“It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.”
What you have said here RK is so true and a poignant lesson for all parents. Parents are there to support children know and connected to their own inner wisdom and love.
I love how RK has committed to life with his children and let them steer the changes, this seems to bring in a lot more humbleness when it comes to parenting and I like that and can learn a lot from him.
True communication is the foundation of wise parenting, and of course a fundamental part of this is being able to listen, really listen and this is one of the most important things that our children can feel, that we are actually listening to them.
R. K this is such a brilliant post to re-read as I am discovering this for myself both with my own child and the children I work with, that when a child steps up and chooses responsibility we as adults need to honour and respect their choices. If we don’t, we are more often than not stifling them and not allowing them to step into their next stage of growth. I especially loved these lines you shared ‘It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.
Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.’ – now that is truly honouring of both the child and of yourself as the adult – beautiful!
Keeping doing what’s needed at the time but also open to the next thing in front of us is a great tip RK. It’s easy to bog down in things because ‘that’s just the way it’s always been done’ without even seeing that we have become stuck. Thanks, I’ve been given a prompt to consider where I might be holding back when in fact I am being shown that the next step has already been presented to me.
I agree Helen a brilliant tip and one we can apply to all aspects of our life.
Thank you RK – a very fun and light blog into how we can make our role as a parent more than it needs to be sometimes. ie we can want to control the situation and be the ‘grown up’ – when really, isn’t every movement we make, everything we say to them, everything we show them just a reflection for them? Children are learning and observing all the time, and for them to start to take responsibility for themselves when they feel they are ready is the best education there is. Of course it is up to us as parents to simply allow this and appreciate that they do know exactly what they are doing, because they have been shown it in a consistent and loving way
‘It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.’
Being open and willing to know that moment when everything needs to change is all about evolving. It’s not about moving forward as much as it’s about returning to what we already know.
In the supermarket yesterday I noticed how a mother was controlling the natural expression of her 2 children because she was in a hurry and didn’t want to waste time. I could feel how even in this short incidence that we slowly erode a child’s natural expression and willingness to evolve when we are pushed or rushed or trying to save time.
Really true Alison, it reminds us to be aware of how we are with our children. I find when I am focused on an outcome or have an agenda that it impacts on my child’s ability to naturally express and more often than not it is in these moments that we end up fighting. When I actually stop and focus upon her I get to feel that I haven’t actually been present in that moment and so can see the importance of this and how our presence supports our children and ourselves to express naturally and to be present with each other.
I can see there’s real potential for parental sense of loss of identification with a task, role or thing once children decide to run matters for themselves and experiment with responsibility – and how challenging that can potentially be when it’s time for us to move on and out of the way. Great how you nailed this very early on and just let your children be. Also a testament to your skill at teaching given they were able to emulate your normal routine and produce the goods. This reflects your dedication to consistency and quality – something your children will have clocked and taken into their own lunch-making.
I felt very warm inside as I read this blog today. Children are amazing and never cease to make me smile when I stand back and watch them at play or just busy being themselves – with no holding back. Instead of trying to control our children but letting them get into their own patterns of taking responsibility and delivering in their own way of what they feel is needed. I was certainly more controlling with my own children but now grandchildren are a plenty – I headed the lesson of allowing them to share with me the delights of what they can do and how they feel is the best way forward. Giving them the space to choose and try for themselves, the end results often inspire me to do the same. Beautiful sharing RK thank you.
Now that was a successful experiment RK! It’s amazing how people no matter what age can responsibly step up to what needs to be done when it needs to be done with a grace, competency and efficiency without being told what to do. We learn so much by observing others.
I love the simplicity and love in this blog RK – beautiful!
Beautiful blog RK…when you mention…”I had told them about responsibility and forced the children to do things under the heading of ‘responsibility’” I could feel how responsibility has often been used as an excuse to control our children, to ‘force’ them by words to do what we want them to do, so not only is it coming with a force of control it is also coming with an agenda, a feeling of ‘you will do what I say’….no wonder children often react to this ‘control’ and ‘responsibility’ because they can feel how untrue it all is! What you offer here is a far more responsible way of parenting, by way of example, and then for the children to naturally take on responsibility as and when they feel to – harmoniously.
I think adults can learn so much by watching how children interact and work together
So do I Joe.
I was very much identified by being a mum and making sure I was in control of everything and the kids were doing what they were told. I now am a grandparent and have definitely changed my attitude to what parenting is all about. I really enjoyed your blog RK in allowing and supporting your children to become responsible in their own way, and being able to step back from the situation.
Definitely agree Jill. My children are now grown but I can see lots of ways in which I have had my agendas driving the show which meant that the wisdom to know when to stand back and recognise when my part was done was totally missing. I still get caught up in this parenting trap at times but over time I have gotten better at recognising when I have allowed myself to get hooked in and can step back out again.
I like what you are saying RK about not telling your kids to be responsible but to allow them to get there when they are ready. This gives so much more space for them to grow in their own rhythm.
One a another note, what a beautiful photograph that shows a child who is quite obviously embracing responsibility and loving every bit of it.
I can really relate to what you have shared here RK about when you feel the change, not letting your needs get in the way but to just allow for it. Often this is where I am able to see and feel if I have been identified in something I am doing for my children, and it is often an ouch moment as there is then an emptiness to be felt and filled with me. I can also now see how if I let this get in the way, I am actually hindering my children’s development in life and the natural responsibility they are wanting to take for themselves.
I enjoy coming back to this blog and the message that continues to unfold about what responsibility is with parenting. It seems to me the point where the kids chose to do their own lunch, came after feeling that there was no demand on them to take this responsibility, but also because they felt no need in RK to have to do it as a parent either. I understand this was being expressed, but it occurred to be how children feel everything and can make choices for themselves if parents choose to be loving and caring but not in a smothering of dutiful way and offering space.
Force something onto kids or anyone for that matter and they’re bound to ark up; be consistent and steady without the telling of how to do things and wow, how quickly change comes.
What a great blog and it seems clear RK that this occurrence with your children was a great confirmation of what kind of parent you have become.
An awareness of responsibility will always bring with it intrinsic freedom, because without responsibility there are no guidelines, and life becomes amorphous.
This is just what I needed to re-read again today RK. I have fallen into the ‘telling’ instead of just doing what needs to be done and allowing my sons to feel what they need to do without me ‘telling’ them. When I step back, I remember and see how amazing and capable young men they are and I learn so much.
The other day my 6 year old daughter and I were blowing up some balloons for fun with some left over helium from a party, when she said she wanted to try to tie the ends of the balloons which I had been doing. I was finding this a little bit difficult so I said “no its to hard for you I’ll keep doing it”, she persisted in asking to try, so I let her thinking she would not be able to do it and give up. To my surprise she handed me back a tied balloon with a smile on her face saying “see dad I can do it”. I will never assume she can’t do something again before she’s had the chance to try.
You present here so beautifully how parenting can just be a holding light in which children are allowed to grow up, and responsibility is literally an ability to respond to what is being called for.
RK your line “I was no less because I wasn’t actually making the lunches” I feel there is a message just in that line for me, it’s about being identified by what we assume we have to do and it becomes our measure of self worth, at the same time we are disempowering another to build connection and self worth.
Being identified by what I can do for my children has been a large part of parenting for me to date. And this would happen even when I was not doing for them but asking for them to be responsible for themselves, there has still been this element of finding self worth in all my parenting choices. I know this will go with time, as I make steady commitments to myself as a person over and above the need for recognition that so called ‘good’ parenting brings.
It never ceases to amaze me how much children will rise to the occasion if given the chance. I don’t think anyone likes being told what to do or not to do and children are no exception, so when given the space they can achieve great things. My daughter age six, has perfected making pancakes, she decided to add almond milk to the mixture with great results. I also think about the mess and how it would be simpler and quicker to do these types of things myself but where is the learning in that.
I so hear you Kevin! Recently my youngest son organised a family meeting, as there was something he felt to discuss with us all. He let us know the time of the meeting and he thought of every detail. He typed up a letter so he could read it to us. We were all blown away by the power in which he delivered his talk and how he had considered each one of us, because of that he got us all talking and opening up about how we felt as well. We can all learn so much from each other!
Thank you for sharing RK I can tell it was big for you to “get your self out of the way” and allow the children to develop in ways that they are ready. A lovely family moment shared for the benefit of all.
Coming back to this blog I am reminded of a work situation whereby someone I am training wants to do the task she’s learning without my input. It’s actually been pretty cool to watch another say ‘I want to move forward and learn something new’ and if I hold onto me only being able to do something then no one gets to move forward, me in my new role as supporting and another doesn’t get to learn how to take the lead. Why do we get so caught up in the leading when there is so much to learn equally in being a support to others?
Really great understanding RK. My children have started to talk harshly and unpleasantly to each other – and no matter how much I might tell them to start talking more pleasantly to each other, nothing will change until it is reflected from their parents.
Thank you RK – ever since I can remember I have been fascinated with parenting, how other people do it and what it could look like to do this responsibly so I read this blog with interest and enjoyment. I didn’t expect to be reading however about my own life and how relevant what you have shared here is, it led me to further ponder on the similarities between being responsible for oneself as an adult and raising a child. The foundation seems to be the same – responsibility and commitment to what is before us. This also brings into the picture what might not have been learnt as a child, for example, if an adult didn’t learn to tie shoelaces, and shoes with laces can’t be avoided, it now becomes the adult’s responsibility to learn how to tie shoelaces so as not to trip over and to be supported safely by the shoes. In other words, could many adults still be learning responsibility and commitment to what is before them, some to a greater or lesser extent than others and does this mean that we can all at times be the ‘parents’ and at other times be ‘parented’?
I love this sharing RK. Not getting in the way but allowing your kids to take responsibility for themselves when they are ready. It can often be easier to take the quick road and do it yourself but in the long run it holds your kids back from developing their ability to take care of themselves and others and it burns you out in the process.
Awesome blog RK because you have shared a simple yet powerful message.
‘Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.
Remaining detached yet still connected is the key to offering true service.
Thank you Kathryn, your comment opens up to a general philosophy that can be applied to all aspects of our lives.
This blog is really about commitment to life. Committing to whatever is there in front of you, whatever needs to be done, with all of you.
Awesome RK. I can feel the lack of emotion in what you expressed. Being committed to doing whatever is there in front of you, with dedication but not attachment (or resentment). And then being present to them, willing to let go and allow this to change as they begin to respond.
Wow great blog RK, the same things would be running through my mind too, the mess. I have discovered that children are very capable of many things, and supporting them is key. Your blog raised another point for me which was not only standing back for children, but supporting others as they learn more skills and are ready to take on more responsibility.
Yes -I also know how tempting it is to think as the adult ‘but I can do it quicker myself’ and this exposes how much we can be taken in life my feeling pressured by time and making life about functioning. If I pause to consider this it does not even make sense as when we treat children this way it is not only to their detriment but everyone and everything as we are influencing our children to grow up and contribute to the world in a way that says efficiency and functionality is what’s important.
Yes that is true Deanne, we are so caught up in time pressure we don’t look at the bigger picture that raising children is an investment which will produce dividends both in the lovely way children work together, and as they develop they will get quicker and there will be less mess to clean up.
By you simply doing what needed to be done, making the lunches, and not needing to be recognised or appreciated, gave your children a great role modelling that, when they were ready, they could take that responsibility.
A very useful and informative blog R.K. thank you for sharing your parenting experience, the main thing I get from reading it was about the decision to let go of controlling how we think things should be done and allowing our children to take the initiative to do things their way and support them to do that.
This was really beautiful to read, I can only imagine how gorgeous it would have been to be able to step back and watch them now ready to take responsibility and then to do it so naturally. You have clearly been an amazing reflection to them, just as they are to you.
What a wonderful sharing RK, It isn’t about the children as you say, but about us as Parents. I remember feeling the same as yourself, “what about the mess” It would be quicker if I did it” etc. I feel it was also a bit of control on my part and also not wanting to hand over the responsibility and making myself redundant as their Mother! No fear of that I found out. I Loved being a Parent but its great being a Grandparent too!
Wow this is amazing.. and to think if you had run with any of those other thoughts, you would have all missed out on what feels to be quality time with family.
Too true Abby, sometimes we can get so caught up in the pace of life and miss the out on those special moments.
This is great to read R.K., in that I can feel how sometimes I am merely ‘dictating’ to our daughter how to be responsible, and then reacting when she does not do what is needed, instead of trusting that she can handle the responsibility herself after seeing how I am doing what is supportive in our home on a consistent basis. Thanks for the great reminder of how parenting is so much about our children reflecting back to us where we are at in every moment, and how if we live with love and nurturing, they will do the same.
Encouraging True Responsibility in our kids should be embraced in every way. This is what teaches them to be truly loving and deeply caring in all they do for themselves and for others. ‘Parenting’ if we are not careful can actually be used to shut this down as your example shows, if you had not given your children the space to make their own lunches are they not missing out on the opportunity to grow into more responsibility which they are so evidently ready for?
RK, I love how you have touched on the importance of being ready to move on to wherever we are needed next. This relates to all areas of our lives and keeps us open to the countless opportunities that are there for us all to grow. As we move on from something, it opens the space for another to step in and accept the responsibility that is being offered, just as wherever we are to move to next will offer us the opportunity to accept more. This is such a natural part of life, but one that can easily be avoided if we settle for comfort over continuous learning.
I loved this RK. The great thing about this was you let them make the lunches themselves instead of interfering and trying to help which possibly would have caused disharmony. This shows if you give them the responsibility they thrive and are able to work well together. Children are little gems capable of a lot more then what we give them credit for.
Thank you for sharing your great experiment which demonstrates beautifully how parenting is a responsibility in sharing and demonstrating until children are able to take the responsibility themselves. This is such a beautiful way to teach children and when they are ready to allow them to express and move forward in taking responsibility. This way truly inspires children to step up and express. It is amazing how children can quickly pick things up, they are like a sponge, they learn quickly. To empower them from young is part of parenting.
“I stopped and again let myself feel what the children were saying/expressing; I said “Yes” and let it go.”
It amazing how capping it is for everyone when we get stuck in the control of what we think makes us a parent.
By clocking the control and stepping back you are then free to be yourself, no roles or expectations and with this comes the space to appreciate what each of us brings.
This is gorgeous RK and very empowering for your children. What you’ve allowed them to do sends many message to them: that you trust them; that they are capable; that they can take responsibility for themselves; that it’s ok and safe for them to express in the way they choose to. It gives them confidence knowing they have your support when they feel ready to take on new responsibilities. I was conscious when raising my children of allowing them to do things for themselves as and when they felt ready to whilst being ready to support only if needed. As a result I’ve observed as they navigate their way through life with confidence in themselves. It’s one of the best things we can give our children.
This is beautiful Deborah. It is lovely to allow children to freely express themselves in any situation instead of what most parents do and attempt to control them. All this creates is anxiety/nervousness within children as they aren’t able to be themselves. Allowing children to be responsible for what they do and have the freedom to say what they feel can only have positive effects on their well being.
I love what you share here Deborah…when we make a change in one area and allow something different, it can have so many other effects we may not necessarily be aware of at the time. RK is most certainly offering his children confidence in themselves as well – to trust in themselves, self-responsibility and confidence in self expression…all of which are amazing life gifts.
Its so simple what you share RK but beautiful how you allowed your children to experiment and make choices this way. ‘Responsibility’ can so often be made into a badge we proudly wear, whereas here you simply lived in a way that was responsive to how you felt without letting thoughts get in the way. This feels like a great example of our true responsibility to me.
RK, I love this line…Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes… It shows me how much I can get attached to what I am doing, rather than doing it until something changes.
‘It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change’ – super powerful RK. Beautiful to read this again and feel how powerful it is to be lovingly committed to what is needed at that time and how supportive it is when we let go of any attachment so the next moment can be one of expansion or evolvement. This is very profound and truly inspirational – thank you.
I love this RK. I too have stepped back from all of my children lately in letting them do a lot more for themselves. My children are of varying ages, eldest 16 and youngest 4 so the things that they are up to are different but all relevant. A friend recently said to me that doing something for your child that they can do for themselves is actually abuse. I have remembered that many times since she said that, even putting socks on my boy when he can actually do it. this feels very important in supporting them to live to their potential now and in the future.
This is wonderful RK, I really enjoyed your writing. there was something so refreshing about the simplistic way in which you write. Its the truths that you know and live and you live with true integrity. How amazing for your kids to have the opportunity to express themselevs in the kitchen and make lunches for everyone. You show an amazing reflection for parenting by letting them be who they are and by adressing ideals and beliefs about parenting as they come up.
This is so true Harry. Often we as parents do things because it is easier to do so but in doing that we don’t allow our children to be responsible or make mistakes. What RK has shown us here is an opportunity for him and his children to evolve individually and in their relationship- so gorgeous.
Sometimes as a dad I feel a bit like a poker player trying to read the game knowing when to hold,fold or bluff. Children can be the most formidable opponents and quickly learn your strengths and weaknesses. I love what you are saying here RK but there is times we have to haul the reins in in order to avoid complete disaster
Thank you RK, I I have also had experience of realising how much I need to let go of in being a parent… So much tension and mismanagement and lack of trust has been exposed and revealed within me… And to start to really let go of this, has been very beneficial for our family.
It really touched me reading how your children wanted to make their own lunches and how they worked together…so beautiful to feel and so great that as a parent you allowed this expression. A learning and growth for all. I have always been inspired by the gifts of wisdom that children offer just by being themselves.
Committing to something until it just changes, or the kids unfold to require something else – it’s a simple and genius understanding of how true change comes to you, rather than you to it. Thanks for sharing RK.
Although there is not just one way to approach the issue of children and responsibility, it is beautiful to learn how other people go about it. So, thank you RK.
Great to read your prospective on parenting. This is so loving and honouring of both the parent and children. It feels respectful of each other.
Beautiful blog RK. Getting ourselves ‘out of the way’ is difficult as a parent, but your experience shows what can happen when children are given the opportunity to be more responsible under the guiding support of a parent. A beautiful way for them to learn and develop.
Great comment Ariana, so worth repeating “Parenting needs to change. We can’t keep on raising our children to be less than we are – we end up with generations of people who reduce themselves more and more.” I agree totally children are capable of so much more than we, as a society, give them credit for. Since children have been made a commercial commodity we have been sold the idea that they need toys, treats and entertainment, this in itself reduces them.
Wow what a powerful message Kathleen and Ariana. I agree, and then many grow up as adults subconsciously making sure they never completely claim themselves for who they are so not to be more than their parents. And great point about believing children need to have the next big toy or game, actually is a way of reducing them… this explains so much Kathleen that I see playing out with my sons at the moment.
Amazing what we can learn from children! They show us so clearly that as a parent we do NOT know it all. i really appreciated where you say “Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.” Even with adult children I find this statement still holds true.
RK the subject that you have raised is a big one not just for parents but for anyone that does anything for anyone else because so often there is something in what we are doing that we are attached to. Therefore even if the other person is capable of doing it for themselves or even keen to have a go we are likely to insist that we do it ourselves in order to keep receiving whatever it is that we get from it. Identifying for myself that I was getting something out of mothering my teenage son has helped me to let go of the mothering and encourage my son to look after himself a bit more. The only trouble now is he is understandably reluctant !
It’s lovely to read about a parent that is able to take the time to really listen to their children and let them show their capabilities without the need to control or take over. Letting children express in full is gold and the enjoyment and satisfaction they would have felt from taking responsibility for their own lunches would have been felt by all of you.
Very interesting post RK on responsibility and getting out of the way to allow, I think that’s the key here – to allow what needs to be done. Realising that you did what was needed for the time that was required before another level arrived, has such an undulating flow to it. Your words here make a valid point and truth: “Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next”. Beautiful lesson from your kids – they are our teachers of truth, as much as we are their teachers on the same subjects: teacher of the teachers.
I love feeling how beautiful it is that your children are working together in this way. This truly is beautiful and not witnessed in many households but the fostering of such tenderness and love between our children is something that will serve them for the rest of their lives.
Beautiful RK.. Letting people be without needing them to change and accepting change when it comes.
What inspirational parenting, RK. I would certainly parent differently now with my children- the “mess” would be secondary to the learning! Responsibility grows self love and confidence and this is beautiful to see.
Awesome sharing RK. I love how you trusted your children enough to get out of the way so allowing them the space to do what they had offered to do. What a great learning for you, and of course those of us who have read this blog. I will definitely be keeping “your experiment” in mind when my grandchildren visit next.
Its is great RK how you are empowering your children. Parenting is always been a 24/7 job. The other day at the airport; a small boy waiting at the airport departure gate that repeatedly asked his father what Priority meant, his dad said it was for special people to go before us… the boy had a look of why they were not special? It felt like a Kodak moment that you can remember your whole life, the point where you were told that you are not enough. Are small moments like this all it takes for a life changing event to happen?
I really enjoyed reading how you stepped aside and let your children step up and take on new responsibilities and how we can be there for others for support and allow them to empower themselves.
Responsibility doesn’t have to be when we are told to do something and then we do it, it’s also about taking initiative and being able to recognise when we can do things for ourselves
This is lovely RK and we can take this example and relate it to all aspects of life. When we are connected fully, things around us naturally change and being aware of these opportunities can be a new way or the next step in our evolution.
This was a touching and beautiful example of true parenting, without investment. With investment it is so easy to say I have a right and a say over the children. It can be said in the name of looking after them, safety and common sense and yes part of that may be true. Yet, it often comes with that sense of ownership and righteousness that has nothing to do with true parenting. The love that brings the commitment for whatever needs to be done, until it need not be done anymore, which was so gracefully expressed in this blog, is an amazing way to look at parenting.
I love it RK, your daughter steps up and then your son steps up after seeing his sister stepping up.
It must have been so enjoyable to watch these young ones in the kitchen. I can see you comfortable in the couch while them doing their thing.
This is lovely R.K in allowing them to truly feel and be who they are.
“To move to wherever I am needed next.” What a loving and receptive way of looking at parenthood. It requires observing the children in their growth and allowing them to truly grow in their speed and way. This is indeed a way for them to grow in their responsibility in life in a very playful way.
Great to reflect on what parenting means for you and express what it felt like to observe your children taking responsibility for themselves because they wanted to rather than them feeling the pressure to ‘be responsible’.
Great blog, I love your honesty and that you shared the thoughts that came up in your head about how it would not be a great idea. It is inspiring to see how you let go of the control and what happened when you let go of the control.
The heart feels so light reading this blog RK, thank-you.
You have nailed just what true responsibility is – that we needn’t carry it/others as any form of burden, or have any identification in the ‘role/s’ we may play. If we are open to truly honouring any relationship, things will indeed change and grow.
This is the way of true parenting, where children are not held down by a mother or father’s need to keep them dependent (because then we feel ‘needed’ by them). But rather, you see entirely how amazing your children are, and hold all the doors possible open, for them to step into this when they are ready.
To indeed by celebrated, in full.
Great blog RK, showing how our letting go of control and allowing our children and others to do their own things in their own timing is simply perfect.
RK, your story reminded me of the school lunches scene from a time now gone by. The thought that it would be quicker if I did it and I would know there was some nutrition. But does this instil children with a sense of their own responsibility for their well-being – perhaps not. Great read that I am sure many would relate to.
A beautiful blog RK.
When we live with love, truth, commitment and responsibility we are the greatest role model we can offer anyone.
Thank you R for this great sharing and this beautiful insight into supporting and allowing others to be responsible for the way they live and the choices being made. Absolute love.
Feeling the children’s delicateness reminds me of how I truly am.
I love this sentence at the end “These ‘changes’ for me as a man have given me more freedom and are allowing me to say / express in a way that is more true to the man I actually am, naturally.” It’s allowed me to feel that letting people be and not wanting them to be a certain way and totally getting out of their way is actually a form of expression. So often I have felt that I have been holding back my expression, but maybe it’s not about telling someone what’s not true that is the expression, but instead stepping back completely and totally detaching, with the feeling of what it is I have felt and what is true, and that this is the expression that is needed.
This is such a great point Danielle. It is something I have been feeling for a while and which when put to the test is hugely empowering for all. The difference between me telling someone something I know to be true is so very different than me standing back and giving them the opportunity to feel it for themselves…for then there is an opportunity to truly learn it from their bodies, not just act from the words I have imparted, in their heads. Then there is truth all round.
So gorgeous R.K.
As a little girl I loved to do things at home, to have special jobs and to help cook. I have no doubt that my mum would far rather have done those things…quicker, cleaner…all of the practicals, but nowhere near as much fun and truly educational.
It honours the human beings those children are to give them responsibilities and allow them to develop the skills of working together, being organised and pausing to deeply consider what another person would like.
Your children had a greater lesson than they would get in schoolroom. A blessing for you and them.
Yes the choice between what is quicker & more efficient versus what is best for all concerned. And look at what happens when we consider everyone…such a beautiful sharing…I can feel how the children were so honoured in their expression.
R.K this line held strong for me today. “It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.” Brilliant thank you.
I love your blog RK and I feel like you wrote that it is bigger then just being a parent. I have come to recognise how we can get so easily identified with a role and what we do for others that at times it may be hard to let go of this in order to let them grow and learn for themselves. I have been learning this in several area’s of my life and the description of you just standing back, being available when needed but letting them do it for themselves to me feels like true love; a holding not a telling or doing it for them. Beautiful.
This is gorgeous RK.
In my experience some parents can want to hold onto roles they play with their children; however, in letting this go, as you have done, you have opened the way for the next steps for the whole family – beautiful.
How beautiful to share this, I love the thought of your 4 and 6 year old making their own lunch and what you were able to learn from this. A very simple and profound story thank you R K
Lovely article, it is beautiful how when children are supported and then allowed the space to grow, naturally take on more responsibility for themselves as they are ready.
What a gift you have given your children by honouring their desire to make their lunches. So beautiful to read that you resisted those voices and allowed them to express themselves.
I have been feeling how important it is to let our kids be responsible, to feel the consequences of their choices. I can feel when I cushion that responsibility, how it allows in manipulation and a lack of respect (on all sides). But more so I can feel how it robs our kids of feeling the fullness of life and allows them to settle back into the dullness of being comfortable.
I have to admit the first thing that goes through my head when my daughter wants to do something is what mess will it make? Once I’m out of the way of this obstacle the mess can still happen but its never as bad as it looks and we both generally learn something.
It is truly inspiring that we can learn so much from our children. They have so much to offer and yet at times we judge their abilities based on their age and size and not allow them the freedom of expression. No matter how messy that can get.
Beatiful blog, thanks for sharing.
“Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.” Beautiful, unimposing and loving parenting in action. Lovely to read about your experience and awareness concerning your children and your relationship with them.
This is just a great lesson to see that we don’t need to make an effort in trying to change things, but that we can just live by example and when the time is there others will do their part.
RK what you have shared would benefit every parent. In my own parenting career I didn’t always listen to my kids cues to supporting them to step up to responsibility for themselves. I can see this now playing out in their adult lives which highlights the absolute importance of listening to our children.
This is a good lesson on service. We don’t have to do everything for others and it is not about self but about allowing and supporting others to grow and develop.
This is such a simple yet beautiful blog and is very supportive for me as a parent, especially this line –
” It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.”
There is so much to see and learn from this blog R.K. I am taking “be willing to move to wherever I am needed next” -with me in to my day.
‘Being willing to move to wherever I am needed next’ is something that the Ant Colonies know to the bone (that’s if they have bones). They are the masters of teamwork. Imagine if the whole world approached life in this way…no attachments, comparisons etc, just getting on with what was needed in each moment. An absolute game changer.
I love how spacious and free this blog makes me feel.
This is very amazing to read!
Your openess and clarity to allow the developing, the changes, and to take yourself out of the way is very inspiring, Thank you !
Thank You RK for a great example of parenting
What a beautiful simple story of a father allowing his children to take responsibility when they were ready. I am learning so much about parenting as I get older (both my children are now grown-up) and next time it will be beautiful to do it differently. It also allows me to reflect on how I am at present with my children and to let go of old beliefs that have kept me stuck in a pattern that is both abusive for me and for them.
‘A true change that comes from the children’. If a change does not come from inside, whether that be from me, a friend, family, partner of child, then it does not last. True change always comes from inside and therefor, we can never impose change on someone else. We can only focus on ourselves and be a reflection.
R K I felt an expansion in me as I read your blog. I could feel how attached I am to “doing” and by being this way I’m not allowing any space for my children or myself to grow. Your blog has given me an extra voice in my head that will be more allowing and trusting of my children, and to hear there call that they are ready for more.
As you say, this applies not only to children, but other aspects of life. I was thinking how it would apply at work – not using the must do’s and got to’s, but giving staff more opportunity to figure out the systems that support them and the business. It is alot more motivating and I suspect we end up with better tailored systems as a result!
I love this blog, it is so helpful and supportive to hear from other peoples parenting experiences. I agree with RK and I know that as my children grow, I want them to step into more responsibility but I have to have the responsibility to let go of wanting to control what they are doing or this process.
Hi RK it is great to be open to change and watch the children grow in the joy of their responsibilities.
Dear RK a lovely lesson in the expansion that can occur for all once we get ourselves out of the way, awesome blog, thank you.
A beautiful expression R.K., of just allowing a natural unfoldment in your parenting. Truly inspirational.
Thank you for sharing, R.K..
By feeling that it was the right moment and by letting go you allowed your children to step up and care for a new part of their lives themselves and they joyfully took their responsibility.
This feels like a very beautiful family life that you have.
GORGEOUS such beautiful learnings here. I don’t have children but have had many similar experiences as you say: “it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.” – seems that the same lessons are there and life teaches us in whatever way or situation we put ourselves.
I loved the simplicity in how everyone just got on with what was needed and knew how to tailer to each others needs
How beautiful RK, that you allowed your children to take their responsibility and how this worked out so differently from how you thought it would (I haven’t heard you about the mess you expected anymore). It feels as a great way to parent our children, to be open to everything that can be presented to us by our children and that we must be prepared to just wait for that moment to come where they will show their own responsibility in life.
Thank you R.K. – I loved reading this revealing blog about allowing another to take responsibiity – and not only children I have found, but also includes those who are no longer children.
It seems that sometimes ‘those who are no longer children’ sometimes have a difficulty in letting others be responsible for carrying out a task that they have been asked to carry out and on the simple grounds of it not being exactly as the way as they themselves would precisely carry out that task. It seems that oftentimes there may be an element of ‘control’ being displayed here – and yes, I admit I used to be long ago one who didn’t see that having an expectation of how something should look at the end as a result was indeed a form of control. My own experience was that this form of control may not be recognized by the ‘controlee’ but may have believed it came under the guize of ‘constructive criticism’. It’s all very interesting I find when you feel the difference in the energy behind ‘inspiration/encouragement’ and ‘expectation/control’.
Great article to read. As a single parent I have done my share of controlling and preventing because of the extra work I would have afterwards. And when I did let them do their thing I hoovered over their heads like a hawk making sure they did everything my way. Since then I have come a long way and am able to give them the space and the trust to let them do things their way and always ready to learn from them. My controlling issues are currently presented to me the other way around in my new job to experience and learn from.
I can’t imagine how wonderful it would be to sit back and watch the children just get on with the task at hand and really enjoy it as they get the opportunity to express themselves without any control. Children are dying for responsibility, meanwhile we wait until they are fully grown before we give them any, by which stage they have learnt from the adults that having responsibility is a chore and a nuisssance and they are no longer interested in taking ownership as they have already given in to the parents control. It’s so interesting.
Susan I agree. So many times my own son has made a change like one time when he decided to dress himself at a particularly young age. I remember coming out of the bathroom and seeing him already dressed for the day … the clothes even coordinated … LOL. I was shocked that he had moved to this level in his own accord and that I had missed the signs … but I was delighted all the while. Thank you RK for sharing your blog as a reminder to continually step aside when the time is right.
What a joy it must be to feel your lovely children working together harmoniously on their lunches and preparing them tailored to what each person is truly needing that day. This is a powerful lesson on responsibility and control. Thank you for sharing
RK I love what you have simply yet powerfully presented here. ‘It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children. Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.’ As I read your words, the support and honour that you offered your children in that moment, felt deeply beautiful. A great example of how we can be in all that we do.
As I read your blog I could feel how freeing it is to step back and allow the changes and growth to occur in the children and in your family. It doesn’t sound hard to step back but as you heard in your own head, there are so many ideas that get in the way. It seems like the key is to be responsive and open and everything flows from there.
Thank you R. K. Life is all about being open and not controlling situations. Allowing others to play their part to help all evolve lovingly so.
Reading your words RK I started to feel how as adults we favour convenience, speed and results. This seems to end up in a set of rules or restrictions, that we follow to avoid hassle. What I feel you do in this example is so different. You offer space and support for kids to be in life and learn in their own natural way. It seemed that you didn’t need to have an answer at all, except to be lovingly supportive and present. What if responsibility then has nothing to do with respecting rules, but respecting others and ourselves enough to just be, and honour what we feel?
How true this is in any situation, the more we “move ourself out of the way” the more life can naturally flow, we go where we are needed and it takes the control out of life.
Its great to re-read your article RK, ‘It’s not about telling children / people what to do or showing them ‘how’ in any way that ‘gets’ them to see.’ I have a 4 year old son and reading this makes me aware that I often tell my son what to do and that I want him to do things in a certain way, my way, rather than allowing him the responsibility to find his way of being and doing things.
Absolutely gorgeous. Getting yourself out of the way so that the children can take responsibility according to their own timing, not putting up boundaries to them doing this according to your own beliefs or ideals. This is true love.
Hope parents are taking notes because this was one awesome revelation.
What a sweet and beautiful article to read. I fully agree with “be willing to move to wherever I am needed next”. Thank you for writing this, I enjoyed reading it very much.
Parenting is about committing to everything that is in front of you supporting where needed with no identification. Such an awesome sharing. As parents we are life facilitators supporting our kids to stay the love they are, supporting them and getting out of the way.
Parenting is a big lesson in the parent getting themselves out of the way. The more I do this with my teenage daughter the deeper our relationship becomes. By getting myself out of the way we come together as equals.
Wow, what an amazing sharing RK. The realization that the children will naturally step up to take responsibility, if they are allowed to, is absolutely beautiful.
I don’t have children but I very much relate to all you have shared. I see the need to stay in control come up in my relationships with family members, colleagues and friends. It is so lovely to feel that it is actually loving to stand back and allow people to have a go, offering support as needed. Life becomes so much simpler when we stop identifying with what we do and support others to grow and learn.
That is so true Leonne, where you say, Life becomes so much simpler when we stop identifying with what we do and support others to grow and learn. I feel the key is seeing another as a human first, that brings in an equality, then there is nothing in the way like, they are my son or daughter so I need to do this or that..…..a much truer and open interaction comes forth between you all, right from the start.
This so simple and so profound thank you RK.
I love how the two packed their lunches together and so naturally and how you say you do something that is there for you to do until there is a true change and then to let go of it. This is something that we really have to re-learn as adults as we have become so accustomed to being identified with what we are doing and being in control of things/situations. Thank you.
This is great, you’re allowing the children to change and let you know when they are ready for the next step, next level or change in their life as they grow up. Instead of trying to be the ‘good parent’ that controls it all. It’s great that you have that openness for them to grow, a lot of parents seem to be very emotional when their kids start taking more responsibility or being more independent because the parent wants to be needed and would rather them stay young so the parent can prove their worth by ‘doing’ it all/ being the hero.
Love to read this blog this morning RK, so powerful is the simplicity, the clarity and the wisdom you share. I love this line; ‘ Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next. This, and what you shared about being committed to what was in front of you and being willing to do that until there was a change, a true change, deeply resonates with me and it just feels awesome!
This is a beautiful blog, I can relate to so much of what you have written, thank you RK.
I too can relate to what has been written, even without having children myself. It goes to show that regardless of the type of relationship we are in, we are all learning what it is to be in relationship with each other and the responsibility this holds.
A great article showing the responsibility as a parent to allow our children to take responsibility for themselves. The inspiration comes from children watching and learning from the way we live. The lesson of letting go and allowing another to have a go at taking responsibility is another great lesson.
A beautiful inspiration captured – when we get our heads out of the way and listen with our hearts, magic happens…and it’s so normal! Thankyou RK for sharing this piece of everyday magic with us.
So true Liane, magic does happen, and it makes everything so much more simple as there is no mental busyness coming in to complicate things.
Simplicity in daily living – to do what needs to be done with commitment but without identification. That is a game changer and quite the opposite of how most people approach their tasks and chores. Not only does it save a lot of vitality that is otherwise wasted but also it sees people as equals. How beautiful to be honoured like that – not only for children.
I was saying to myself as I read your lovely blog RK, yes I know that one, yes I do that ……I don’t have children but I can relate to what you have written to other areas of my life. I get so used to doing things in a certain way that when an opportunity comes to change , I don’t always see it and carry on in the same way, without stopping to see what is being offered by others. Reading your blog has exposed how this is controlling and does not allow for things to grow and change. Thank you RK
This is such beautiful insight into how our children know what they are ready for, and a bit of an ‘ouch’ for parents in exposing that we too often are trying to control everything. I can recognise each of those negative thoughts about ‘it’ll take too long’, ‘they’ll make a mess’ and can feel how they really serve no one in any situation – they make the parent stressed and the children frustrated. I’ve also come to realise that taking on the role of being in control denies my child from learning about true responsibility.
A great lesson in honouring others and not holding them back as we feel we know better or have more experience.
So true Sandhya, no matter how small or tall, young or old we are we can always learn something of value from others.
Lately I am involving the kids more with the household. I explained to them that mum and dad cannot do everything in the house. We are living with 5 people in this house and everybody helps out. So I have made a roster and a list of all the things that need to be done in the household: from renewing the toilet paper to changing bedlinnen to tiding the rooms. Very much detailed. At first there was some resistance, but I feel that they are very aware that all these things we can not do alone and that they also have to help out. They can read the list themselves and know what there is to do. The awareness for them of all things we are doing is allready the first step and now slowly step by step they are contributing also. And there are times that they really love it, for example when they are folding the washed laundry together, they chat together and work together. Beautiful to see.
Eleonora, that feels great. By showing your children clearly what needs to be done they can learn to be responsible which will lead to a greater independence when they are older. If we do everything for our children when they are young they don’t get the same understanding. To work through their early resistance is fabulous.
Sounds very practical Eleonora, and at the same time what a super gift you give your children, that of more awareness and the start of learning some reposniblility.
So lovely to hear how you allowed them the grace to be their own people, the support them in making their own choice to make the lunches, really beautiful.
A great sharing RK. It brought back memories of when my children were young and I was toiling with when to hand over more responsibility to them. So we made up a roster together of jobs to do and they got to choose what they wanted to do and they really liked to help in that way. Then as one of my children got older and was the only one at home with me, I realized that what I had stuck with when they were younger needed to be reviewed as I realized they were able to contribute so much more with the running of the house and in contributing financially with board money.
I had held back on getting them to contribute more and using the excuse that that’s what you do for your kids as that’s love and so not wanting to loose their love by asking for more from them, but all I was really doing was holding them back from being more responsible through my own need to be loved. It felt much more loving and supportive for myself and them to step up and ask them to share more of a responsibility together and it released a tension that I had in me from holding back and not asking for more support in that way.
Julie, I recognise this, the holding back from asking your children to do more not wanting to lose thier love, but, and this is a super honest exposure; ‘all I was really doing was holding them back from being more responsible through my own need to be loved’.
This blog is great to come back to and to re-read how you are with your children is inspiring.
I really love what you are sharing RK. I also had to learn to let go and allow my children their space. Every time I was away for a few days I would come home and see what my (then 4 year old) daughter was doing herself because her dad gave her more space to do things by herself. Now at the age of 10 she has a beautiful rhythm in the morning and is a great support and reflection for the whole family.
RK, your way of parenting which you have written about here feels so natural and honoring of all. Thank you for sharing.
I am learning everyday that I just have to be me and I just have to be there and open to what is needed for my children at any given time. I am learning to surrender because there are no boxes to tick in order to be a good parent and what is needed changes all the time. Being a parent is great gift and a blessing and with all my flaws I know my kids feel blessed to have me as their mother too as I meet them for who they are not for what they do.
Although I have no children of my own, I can appreciate this blog in revealing how I can be a guiding light in all relationships
R K Thank you for sharing this, I felt I got so much out of it. I loved how you shared the fact that if we get ourselves out the way we can then be willing to see others, children in this case, are there ready to take responsibility for themselves. I know I often think I have to tell people what to do, show them so they get it “my way” but can see with your example how thats actually missing the point and is not actually inspiring another.
Thank you RK there is so much to learn in what has been shared and not just in regards to parenting but to life and any role we play in life. What stood out most was ‘I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves. I was still there for support, and I was no less because I wasn’t actually making the lunches.’ “getting ourself out of the way” and not feeling any less for not doing something has changed my behaviours and how I feel towards myself as I am more open and committed to learn and grow.
I agree it applies to all life, in particular the work place. One word that really stood out that RK wrote was ‘freedom’, the freedom that he has been afforded through supporting the evolution of others, the freedom to move and flow with change to where he is needed next.
I can so relate to the thought ‘oh but what about the mess’, sounds very familiar. I prefer to do things myself because it is easier, faster, less messier, etc. But if I allow children to do things themselves and yes, it can create a bit of a mess at times, they can do so much more than I could ever imagine. I feel it is very important that children from a young age are given responsibility, As a family, you all live together in a house, as equals, and it is not more than normal that everybody contributes and have their responsibilities.
I agree Mariette –
Children are so capable when we simply allow. They observe us with the fullness of who they are, completely aware, and then they take initiative, and don’t hold back giving something a go. That to me is taking full responsibility; they are responsible when they pay attention, responsible to speak up when they feel ready, and responsible with the task they do.
This is a beautiful reflection for all of us and something we can absolutely learn to open up too – allowing children to learn and grow.
Its great to re-read your article R.K, I have found it very supportive, I have a 4 year old son and he is asking to take more and more responsibility, he asked to make his own salad recently and reading your article inspired me to say yes rather than allow all of the thoughts to take over, like ‘it will take to long, he won’t do it properly”, he created the most amazing salad, he was very creative in how he presented it, it felt great to let go of that control. I particularly enjoyed reading, ‘But now I can see that for me parenting is not pushing or telling the children what to do in the hope some of it will be listened to. Parenting for me is just what I have described – my dedication to doing something until it changes.’
This is an inspirational article on parenting – showing that if we only open and trust, we are amazed by what children can do. This way of relating to others, however, does not just apply to parenting but to all relationships.
I commend your willingness to learn from your “experiment” RK. True perceptive moments with your children, a commitment to ‘being there’ where ever you are required. Something for me to consider with my grand children…..
Wow, R.K. this is such a powerful teaching, thank you. “Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.”
I loved reading your article RK. I found it really sweet that your 4 and 6 year olds made the lunches. I am inspired to see where I am stuck in roles because “that’s what I have always done” and to let others have a go.
It’s great to re-read your article RK, “I needed to ‘get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves.” My son is starting to want to do more things for himself and I have thoughts of ‘it will take too long’ or ‘he won’t do it properly’, but reading your article I can feel how important it is to allow him the responsibility of doing things for himself when he is ready, thank you.
Extremely beautiful blog and very inspiring, being there and doing the job and when they are ready allowing them to take over. It’s great that you were able to let go and give them a chance.. I will definitely take your inspiration forward into all my interactions with children around me.
Raising children has helped me understand that true learning comes from living life. Telling your children what they are supposed to do, comes from the belief that you know what they need. Allowing them to experience life has made it easier for me trust myself and them. I tell my children that i have learned more from them, than they have learned from me.
Thanks for this lovely sharing RK. I agree its, ” not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next”.
Dear RK what a superb blog! Why haven’t I come across it before? I just have the one daughter and she has always wanted to help and do her own stuff from an early age, dressing herself, choosing what to wear, one of her first sentences was ‘I help’. So often, until I wised up I would try to be in control to avoid the mess it may create. After looking more deeply I sort of realised I was kind of jealous of the freedom and choice she had compared to how I was brought up having little or no choice, I just did what I was told or else.
I am inspired by this R.K – committing to doing what is needed until we don’t need to do it any longer or until a change comes along. That does mean that we need to be open to seeing when things need to change and therefore that we can be constantly evolving.
Lovely moment, thank you for sharing. It was great to read how you were aware of getting yourself out of the way when your children felt ready to be responsible for their own lunch making. As a parent I can recognise that there are many moments as you have described were there is a choice to be made about how we support our kids to develop. I agree, knowing when to get ourselves out of the way is very important for supporting the growth of confident kids. And thank you Rachel, yes I can definitely extend this metaphor to how I interact with others in my daily life.
So lovely that you let go of the reigns of control and allowed your children to take responsibility and have fun making their own lunches. There is a big lesson in what you have shared RK and it extends beyond being a parent.
Yes I agree, Debra. There is a big lesson in what RK has shared and it does extend beyond being a parent. Wanting to control life from every aspect is relevant.
RK, just loved what you have written. Looking back I wish I had this understanding then, but unfortunately it was not to be. Fathers and mothers are the salt of the earth. Parents who show love, understanding, and are always there for their children, this shows in their childrens eye’s and how they interact with each other, and other children.
I love what you have shared, “I think there is a bigger picture here for me in my life that goes beyond parenting, children and responsibility. It’s not about telling children / people what to do or showing them ‘how’ in any way that ‘gets’ them to see.”… I HAVE WATCHED MYSELF DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN! Your words, “It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.” is something for me to really think about in every aspect of my life. Thank you for writing.
Thank you RK. You words are also valid to adult children to give advice and then stand back.
Thank you RK, and yes Mary you are right, it is often what happens as a result of trying to control children.
I loved your article RK. I feel how you really allow your children to take responsibility for themselves and don’t need to control them. What amazing adults they will become if this is their experience so early in life. You are an amazing parent and are the role model they see and emulate as they develop and grow.
Thank you RK for showing how easy it can be to squash a child’s natural expression by saying no to something because of our own personal issues. This sentence really stood out for me…
“It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.”
I love this RK, thank you. So often we get caught in the ‘doing’ of being a parent and take over to the point of smothering the child and as you say we tell them to be responsible but not always allow them the space to take responsibility. What you have offered here is a true expression of parenting and it is beautiful. I related so well to your comment along the lines of “I’ll do it, I can do it quicker, and what about the mess” all sounding very familiar. An inspirational blog.
This a great article, R.K, thank you for sharing. What you have written feels very wise and very true, I have a 4 year old son and I notice that I can have the same thoughts like ‘what about the mess’ when he asks to help me cook, what you have written is very inspiring, particularly where you wrote, ‘It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children.’
I agree with everything you say here Rebecca. This is a great blog RK that I’ve enjoying come back to read again. Children as soon as they can, naturally all want to help out and do just what we’re doing. A child tidying up or making their food by their own inspiration is them taking the lead and saying I’m ready. If I’m sweeping up, little ones always want the broom. Great you can buy small brooms and dustpans so can join in. With my eldest I stifled this growth with my own fear of it not being done properly or it was quicker for me to do it and am experiencing the consequences but with my youngest I allowed the space and time for him to go for it because he felt to, guide him through it, allow him to make a mess and help him clean it up together. At 3 years old he beautifully and slowly sweeps up a pile of dirt with a dustpan and brush. Allowing our children to grow and take responsibility when they’re ready is awesome and getting ourselves out of the way is key.
“Getting myself out of the way”. BOOOOOOM. Beautifully and simply expressed. It is something that I constantly struggle with. Yet can totally testify to it’s truth and also to the joy that follows.
I particularly enjoyed reading the part where you said you didn’t feel any less for not making the lunches. I love how simply you describe doing something – not for the recognition of it, not to revel in the glory – but just because it’s needed, and then to just simply move onto whatever is needed next, no complaints. Awesome stuff, RK. Thanks for sharing.
“‘Get myself out of the way’ because the children were ready to do it themselves” – love this and are learning this all the time with my daughter, she is so ready for responsibility and loves it. We really underestimate how able kids are and how much they enjoy being fully part of family life.
Such a great example. This could have gone in so many ways had you not listened to your body. We often end up stifling our children under the guise of protecting them or taking responsibility for them. Yet it all becomes too difficult and complicated if you question yourself and the possible outcomes when thinking about what you are doing. But, as you say, if there is an allowing there to feel what is going on, get yourself out of the way, and be where is needed, everybody blossoms.
In reading this blog it was so lovely to feel the love and care that the children had and took in making their lunches and in particular lunch for their sister. There was such tenderness in them doing this, and in their father watching, allowing and letting go. This was deeply beautiful to read.
This is a great insight into true parenting. Parents who continue to control young children by doing everything for them and not allowing them to take responsibility for themselves are then surprised and aggrieved when those children become teenagers and lounge around waiting for the parent to still do everything for them.
So true Mary
Your so right Mary, by coddling our children we are just making a rod for our own back. It will take time but there is a groundswell of new true parenting that will be a reflection for all.
A really sweet blog, I love the way you showed the kids how to make their lunches, simply by steadily doing them everyday, and when they where ready to step up, moving to one side and experiencing the joy of watching the kids take responsibility – thank you.
Thank you so much for this blog. It’s so cute and playful. Lovely to read.
Wonderful to read and ponder on especially “As I looked and reflected, I realised that in the past I had told them about responsibility and forced the children to do things under the heading of ‘responsibility’” and “It’s about my committing to whatever is there in front of me, and the willingness to do ‘that’ until there is a change – a true change that comes not from me, but from the children”, and also where you say it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with.
I recently saw a presentation given on a classroom of children where they were taught to breathe gently for themselves after lunch when they got back to their classroom, and the children shared what they felt after they had done this (this was over a period of time). What I observed was quite of few of the children said how they felt ‘excited’ after they came back from the playground and how breathing gently helped to calm them, helped them to focus and basically re-connect with themselves again. The shock to me was the belief I had held that excitement is a child’s way of being… and it is so completely not. These children were telling us that being calm, focused and relaxed is their natural way of being – what we can learn from children is of much value… if we get ourselves out of the way.
My daughter just asked me the same thing. She is 8. She wants me to back off parenting in lots of areas at the moment. I have said yes to all her requests but I’m still adjusting. I want to control her still and have to stop myself telling her how to do things (she knows how!), suggesting what to eat that I think is healthy, scraping the margarine off when it is too thick etc. it’s a real process but it’s great. And she is blossoming. Last night when I put her to bed I just felt this small woman, powerful and gorgeous. She’s grown again! And it feels really important to get myself out of the way, as you say, and let her. Let her grow into the powerful woman she is.
Kate, I love how you observed the small woman in your daughter…Beautiful Xx
Kate that is beautiful. Seeing your daughter for who she is, a small yet powerful woman, will allow her to make the choices required to express who she truly is. Like everything though, as adults we must first be able to feel and know who we truly are so this is reflected straight back to them.
What a great example of amazing parenting and it’s in the backing off. I imagine it could be a real process at times, letting go of my picture of how thick I think the margarine should be or what a waste I have decided it to be if it is discovered that indeed the margarine was too thick and now lunch is messy and or yucky or what if the child is already a little overweight, being teased and now this might make it worse etc. Wow, without even being a parent it certainly exposes control. Just the other day I was making a salad with a friend and she was doing it differently to how I would do it and including the parsley stems in the salad, whereas I would just use the leaves. I could feel my control monster getting agitated as I had a picture for the salad when in this case it really was as simple as choosing not to eat the stems. Like you found with your daughter Kate control can really get in the way of each other’s growth as well as the affect it has on our relationships.
Kate a great point shared in seeing the little woman in your child. The potential for children to set up to levels of responsibility comes through when we make the process a part of our life- rather than a chore.
Hi RK, this is a stunning blog. I love the fun and simplicity of kids in the kitchen, but as others have mentioned in their comments, the depth of your sharing can be easily recognised in other relationships. I love the part when you say “I was still there for support, and I was no less because I was not actually making the lunches”.
RK as you beautifully said once we get ourselves out of the way, then it allows room for everyone to expand and grow. There is lots in life I can look at with this as my focus.
Exactly Natalie, I love when this was being said: “Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.” As this is absolutely true, we have to drop the walls of protection (identification, hurts, etc.) to actually allow ourselves to grow and not control a situation but actually surrender to what is next… as R.K so beautiful describes. I am not a parent yet, I am very inspired by this blog and about always being honest with what comes up (be it voices, patterns or certain behaviours), our kids always reflect to us things we can learn from.
I love this piece. In having a child who is now a teenager I have held many similar thoughts when they have asked to do things. As they get older the freedom and responsibility they ask for simply changes and again you have to watch that the thoughts do not creep in. An example is when they want to start catching public transport around the place or spend a lot more time out and about with friends. I have learnt that protecting, making life easier for them, softening the blow and not allowing them to experience their choices and consequences does not really allow them to be all that they can be. These things stop all of us – parents and children – from truly learning our lessons and growing up.
Sally this is sot true. The lessons in life and learning to play your part come with open levels of responsibility for children. I have noticed that the more I model responsibility with the children I work with the more they are inspired to make changes which builds confidence and resiliency when things don’t always go to plan.
This is great – I can relate to being hesitant because of the mess kids might create and how it then takes me longer to do the whole thing because I have to clean up as well! And then there is the identification with what I do as an extra ingredient and the uncertainty of what will happen or how I might be regarded when I don’t do this anymore. And all the while negating and going against what the children are actually ready and able to do. But not only children – I have also observed women do this with their partners or husbands, treating them as though they couldn’t do anything for themselves or at least, not do it well enough. It is quite incredible how we treat each other, really. Is it then possible that we take on these roles unnecessarily and is it also possible that this is the reason why resentment of another or others can creep in – even though it was our choice in the first instance to do all these things for them?
Great observation Gabriele. I have fallen into that trap of not wanting to let go of control and then moaning about having to do it all. It’s very liberating when you can see this pattern and start to let go of it.
Gabrielle and Debra, yes this is also my experience. I used to identify with being very efficient and pre-empting my family’s needs yet resenting the fact and in the process unknowingly stifling their unfolding.
I can relate to everything you have expressed here Gabriele – it describes to a tee a pattern of behavior I have been caught up in for a long time including being over responsible, not trusting others to do the job (or at least as well as I could do it!) and being identified by what I do and seeing this as a measure of my self-worth. The more I am aware of this and am willing to be honest about this, the more I am able to consider and feel what true responsibility is, not only with my children, but in all relationships.
I can relate to what you’ve shared here Gabriele – namely in my work place. Loading up all these tasks onto myself, feeling resentful for no one helping but in that taking it all on I completely ignore that there ARE others around me that can help in their own ways. It may not all be how I want it to be but the reality is the world is not ‘Earth – Population: Me’. Like RK shared I feel it takes time to accept and allow others to join in rather than wanting the spotlight to be solely on myself.
Thank you RK, this is a gem of wisdom from a truly beautiful man. There is an inspiring quality imparted here as you demonstrate a deep and willing commitment to truth in the simple everyday tasks of life. I can feel the love in your writing and it is a real blessing.
Thank you R, for sharing your experiences with your children. I love this line you have written: “Then it’s about being open to ‘see’ the change and not being identified with what I am doing; not trying to ‘own’ what I am doing or have done, but to be willing to move to wherever I am needed next.”
I have been identifying with my role as mother. Not willing to see the change, painful to admit but true. Now my children are 16, 19 and 23 years old and we are working to come to this equalness as you have described it. That is what I feel this is about, to allow children to be responsible for themselves, allowing them to make their own mistakes and be with them as an equal human being.
Thanks RK. Even though I’m not a mum, I can so appreciate the tremendous value in listening to another no matter what age they are when they are communicating a true desire and intention. I can see how we may disregard people at times because of the “no-one will do it like I can do it” or the “no, they’ll make a mess” or some other similar negative talk. Great message to take on board!
Good point Janine – this blog from RK doesn’t just apply to kids, but listening when there is a need for a true change in every situation
Janine you are so right we can get caught up in the ‘no one will do it like I do it’ and so discard others, but there’s a great learning here. Allowing to share and not judge and learning to listen.
Absolutely, the making ourselves indispensable to fulfil our need to be needed! Can play out in all relationships at home and at work. I have realised that living my life responsilbily is the inspiration required and like RK being dedicated to true change, having the willingness to step up to what is required even if that is letting go.
Add to this Amita that we ‘don’t need to do it all ourselves’ and in fact we can’t.
Very Janine, it calls for an openness and willingness to be there for another in every moment.
I know that feeling I get when I’m gripping on tightly to something – my breathing changes, there’s worrying thoughts like “What will happen if they do it” and there’s a feeling of anxiety – this is all control. R.K’s blog is a brilliant example of how things can flow and others are empowered when we choose to let go.
R, as a mum of 7 who is learning everyday about what is means allow my children to be responsible for themselves, I loved what you have shared. It is simple if we choose to listen! Thank you.
Beautiful to read about the understanding you have gained by observing you and your children. I can see how we have a tendency to become ingrained in the ‘roles’ we play wherever we are. I do not have children, but your story with your children has shown me a direct parallel with how I interact with people, especially at work. There is a difference between holding on tight to a ‘role’ I have adopted, and being committed to do what is required at the time. This makes so much sense, life is evolving all the time, so of course, as everything changes, my expression and that of others around me needs to have room to evolve with it.
There is a difference between “I need to do what I do because if I don’t do it they will create a mess” and “I am committed to do that while it is necessary”. The first scenario has me hold on tight and not allow anyone a chance to step into that area even when they have a desire to. Yet as your story illustrates, if I feel and adapt to the change, it allows everyone to be responsible. And I am free to do what is required at that time.
Thank you for this post.
That was beautiful to read RK, thank you for sharing. How beautiful to watch your children working together. I love the image that reading this brought to my mind. I also love what your children are now bringing to all of us. When you are ready to step up, do. No holding back. Love it.
I agree Leigh and RK – this is a beautiful vignette. What a contrast to my childhood – I really disliked my lunch (salami on rye for years running) and would never have imagined doing it for my brother.
Clearly, a lot has to do with parents – my brother and I stopped almost all fights after our parents separated.
I appreciate the great lesson in this article that demonstrates how we can influence changes in others through our loving support, inspiration and by getting out of the way.
Me too Rod. While this is something that I do with my daughter I can see relationships where I have not offered the same support and allowing. Funny how I have seen this as part of my responsibility in parenting and allowing my daughter to develop herself but have not seen it the same for all.
Yes this is interesting Penny as we don’t need to only be parents to understand and relate to what R.K is saying. There are many relationships that we have where we are being supported by others and where we are supporting others and there will be a time when there is growth and change when we or whoever we are supporting are ready to take the lead. This is something we must always be open to so that relationships grow and don’t become stagnant. I love R.K’s example.
Yes Ariana – children or no children – it is a lesson for all.
I’ve been great at getting ‘in’ the way in the past, but can confidently say that getting ‘out’ of the way – which doesn’t mean giving up or avoiding responsibility – definitely feels much better! A work in progress and something I don’t always get right, but I love what I experience the more I practise…
Yes super clear message here Rod! Even though my children are well into their late teens and early 20’s, I am discovering how amazing it feels to let go of control and identification in being a ‘good’ mother and allowing and accepting my children’s choices and trusting in their own abulity to make their own decisions etc Contrast to what I used to think, this is actually also enabling me to support them in a truer way than before because the support comes with less judgement, defence or from my own personal needs.