When I first heard the saying ‘family is more than blood’, it felt like a relief because as much as I love and care for my family there were times when I also met people with whom I felt as close and familiar with and who I loved just as dearly as my own family.
With family I got tied up in so many ideals and beliefs that I remember always feeling like I was doing what was expected of me rather than acting on what I felt was true. I always wanted to please my mum especially and play the ‘good’ daughter, so there were many times when I would put aside what I was feeling and do the ‘right’ thing. This of course ended up making me feel exhausted and moody, as I was not honouring of myself in any way.
I was holding this big belief that I had to conform because that was what families do – even when I was quite tired I would push myself to attend family events because of the pressure I put on myself to be there no matter what, and also because I didn’t want to miss out on anything.
Thank goodness I began to question these tightly held beliefs and ideals I had around family, because it was very draining on me and not loving in any way.
I can feel now how holding onto all these beliefs and ideals keep me trapped in some way, and then out of reaction to this it made me act out certain patterns and behaviours in my life to bury what I was truly feeling at these times: for example, I would eat a lot of sugary and comfort foods or would watch a lot of TV or go shopping, all to avoid what I was feeling. The whole way I was living life was in avoidance of myself – a running away from feeling my own strength and power. This is something I felt even more strongly when I became a first-time mother and was bombarded with a load of ‘pictures’ about how to parent instead of trusting that as a woman I have all the innate wisdom and qualities needed within to know how to parent successfully.
Learning to let go of these pictures I adopted that kept me in a spin and further away from being ‘me’ has been a work in progress.
Life for me has become very different as I now embrace people and treat them with the warmth and familiarity I would a dear or close family member. This has become more natural for me as I began to address the relationship with myself first and started to confirm and appreciate all the beautiful qualities that I bring. This was not easy at first as there can be many voices in my head trying to crush my new loving self-talk, but slowly and over time I have been building a deeper connection with myself and this has been key to transforming all the relationships in my life.
I am enjoying a greater connection and intimacy with others that I always thought was only reserved for that one special person in my life or a close family member. I am grateful that I challenged this limiting belief as it has allowed me to see the wider family available to me everywhere I go.
Family for me now has a very different meaning as I have learned to walk through life with an open and loving heart, no longer waiting for the other to first show their love to me to see if I can trust them or if I will be accepted: I see them as my equal and equally as loving as myself, even if they are too shy to express their love in that moment.
For many years I used to feel quite hurt and let down by people and so I went into protecting myself from others, but interestingly this shutting myself off from others hurt far more than how another could have hurt me. I was holding certain people I didn’t know, or trust, accountable for the way in which others had treated me in the past, something that I justified in my own mind but that really held me back from experiencing a deeper and true connection with others.
It took a lot of effort for me to live in this protected way because I had to resist any love that was offered to me: it doesn’t make sense as I was really craving and missing that connection and intimacy with others but I was putting up a huge protective wall that said ‘back off’.
No matter how we are in life or what our demeanour is, deep down we are all wanting to feel loved and accepted.
Having this awareness about myself has supported me to be more understanding when I meet others and to not react to their guard or to judge them in any way. Learning to hold them in love and acceptance with no expectations of receiving anything back has been life changing for me and has allowed the space for another to feel safe to express and to enjoy the connection that is being offered.
By Anna Douglass, International Flight Attendant, Mother, dedicated student of the Ageless Wisdom, Australia
Further Reading:
Family Defined by Quality
Truly Appreciating the People in my Neighbourhood
True Family
507 Comments
Playing roles does indeed make us moody and exhausted, because we’re going against everything in our body that knows exactly who we are. There is no substitute for being ourselves, expressing all of who we are – and when we allow that, allow ourselves to say what we really feel and think about things, without reaction, it’s actually energising.
Truly being self-loving allows us to love others equally, without exclusions, with harmony and joy. Our family and friends can expose our needs, ideals and beliefs that contract us and prevent us from being all the love we are which separates us from everyone.
Thank you Anna for this heart-felt piece. The way that you write about your journey with love and with letting people in is so very simple, you bring the tussle of life between protection and openness out in to the open, giving us all a gentle and tender space to have a look, if we so wish it, at our tendency to pull away and to seek shelter from intimacy and true connection with eachother.
what a beautiful and strong connecting blog. It confirms all the truth we once felt and still know to be true from when we were young. Family is not blood related. It is by connection to God’s Love — our Will to open up and be that whole son of God. No blood related.
When I was little my mother had a friend with 3 children of a similar age to me and my sisters, who became a firm family friend. She came into our lives with so much love that there was no doubting in my heart that she and her family were family. This is the love you talk about Danna and this opened me up very young to the concept of what real family is. Whilst we don’t stay in contact very often these days the love we share is still very much there and I know that if there were any need on either side the other would be there like a shot.
Reading this I had the most gorgeous image of a flower blooming and blossoming, sharing with the world exactly who it is, no holding back. And sharing it equally for all, not just for those the select few.
Yes, not putting a screen between itself and the world.
To open up for all to be our family (as we always was and will be ) it asks us to let go attachments to our biological family as being ‘special’ to us, it is the energetic cords to get out of. Those energies we set ourselves free from give space to love all equally.
Great to have these discussions as I know I have meet many people that only have instantly become ‘family’. We talk about it a lot of the time and say things like “I feel like I have known them for ages” etc etc. There is a quality to family that goes well beyond any of the current borders we place around the word. In this quality things are felt and by that feeling we are all defined. Family has always been greater then the box we create and in that the only way out of the box is to walk and so for us to redefine something like family we all need to live to what it is in feeling.
I like what you are saying here Anna about the ideals and beliefs that are everywhere in society telling us how we should be and behave and when we live our lives according to these instead of our inner knowing it does create a lot of tension – no wonder then that there are so many methods that humans use to distract and numb themselves from feeling what is really going on.
Yes we can impose unrealistic expectations on ourselves or they can come from family members. Either way they are not true if we leave ourselves to fit into a ‘role’.
Love and connection is not determined by blood I agree Anna. I am fortunate to share ever- deepening relationships with my blood family and equally all those I am in relationship with. Our relationships with each can support us to evolve and expand when we let go of any pictures, ideals and expectations of how they should be. True family is about love respect and brotherhood.
Thank you Anna, for this beautiful message shared of the potential we all hold, to live in a way that embraces all of humanity as our immediate family, offering an acceleration to live our true potential as a humanity in Brotherhood. All of which begins with us, and how we live our everyday lives and how we are with all of those we are in a relationship with or meet.
I so know the ‘I’m hurt don’t come near me’ card. It’s merely an indulgence to wallow in it and keep people at bay. And such a wasted opportunity to connect with others who may be loving in their intentions and expression. We can allow anybody in to the same degree if we simply open ourselves up instead of shut down in protection.
Wow Rebecca this is a great ouch moment that you have shared
“I so know the ‘I’m hurt don’t come near me’ card. It’s merely an indulgence to wallow in it and keep people at bay. And such a wasted opportunity to connect with others who may be loving in their intentions and expression.”
I have played this card for lifetimes and it has got me absolutely nowhere, its such a game that is being played out that we ‘think ‘ we are getting left alone when we are not left alone at all, we are being smashed by the energy that we did a deal with in the first place. Until we realise the game being played, we are a willing participant of the game because we ‘think’ we are getting our needs met.
I have felt for a long time that family was more than simply being related by blood. I feel there is much more to unpack than this and certainly more to understand and to live. But knowing that by simply being open with people or even being open in how we move can really assist in keeping guards down.
True family are united by love not blood, and this is a bond that rather than bind, holds us firmly together by the quality of the love shared and not bound by the adopted ideals and beliefs that say it should be so.
Yes it is life changing to not see the reactions or behaviours of others as a measure of our own self-worth but just them as the reactions and behaviours that often have nothing to do with us personally.
It took me a while to realize I really can’t love someone more than another. I can’t love my neighbour less than my mum. I thought I could and I spend and waisted a lot of time and effort on keeping people out and controlling life.
I can see how I have protected myself from hurt and thus prevented some relationships in deepening. Becoming aware of patterns of behaviour is the first step for we will continue to meet similar situations until we finally surrender to being open to love.
I have met, worked and lived with many people that were not related to me but I felt a family connection. This blog just reminds me that when we make every connection as a global family there is no room for these limited ideals and beliefs.
People have so much to offer each other. I find it an absolute blessing to truly connect to another being and what is possible. Let whatever is there to miraculously unfold. We each hold the answers to what is needed.
When you start to feel true love and feel how that feels with others when you hold them in equal love, you get to feel within that divine love, we are the same, we are love, no matter what you look like or where you come from, that doesn’t even factor into it.
Shutting down hurts us more than the person/s we are shunning or think we are ‘punishing’ in some way. Before the sting goes out, it has already hit home.
“Learning to hold them in love and acceptance with no expectations of receiving anything back has been life changing for me and has allowed the space for another to feel safe to express and to enjoy the connection that is being offered.” This is such a beautiful way to be with another person, and it really is astounding as to what can come out of such a meeting, and sometimes more so even when the two people dont know each other. From my own experience I feel the absolute joy of connecting with someone in this way.
Unconditional love is a truly beautiful precious thing.
Hi Anna, thank you for your sharing. It is difficult to pick a paragraph that doesn’t resonate deeply with me, and I had to smile as I read through your words as I totally agree, the title of your blog says it all ‘Family Is More Than Blood’ – much more. And what has made life simpler for me is to see my ‘blood’ family as the same and equal as everyone else. This has made it easier to release any emotional attachments I have with them – and although I love them all dearly I feel freer now to embrace my wider community as my family.
I can relate to much of what you have shared, early on in life I struggled with my connection with my family and since then rejected more intimate relationships with others. I am starting to understand all that has played out and am now enjoying a ‘family’ relationship with those I live with.
I love how you explain walking through life with an open heart, the key is if we live with an open heart everything changes and we don’t know what is possible, it’s a different way of understanding life, of greeting people, every step is fresh, every day is fresh and every relationship is fresh. It makes the term “blood family” so last century.
So true Meg, with an open heart everything is possible.
“I am enjoying a greater connection and intimacy with others that I always thought was only reserved for that one special person in my life or a close family member” – This is amazing, Anna. We have no idea what is in store through our relationships, and being open to loving everyone equally is the key to unlocking this potential.
‘This has become more natural for me as I began to address the relationship with myself first and started to confirm and appreciate all the beautiful qualities that I bring.’ The more at ease we are with ourselves and the more accepting, the more we are at ease and open we are with all others.
It’s crazy isn’t it – we paint a very false picture around how we ought to be with our blood family which leaves us resentful and frustrated and hence with much less love to give… and from there we keep everybody else out also.
If we made all of our relationships and connections about Love first and foremost the ‘should’s’ and ‘shouldn’ts’ wouldn’t be able to come in – our barometer would be love itself.
The ideals and beliefs we have around family can be quite trapping… holding us to random in life. I have noticed for myself that a few years ago I would accept attitudes and behaviour from family members that I simply would not accept from others. I made the allowance that because it was family that somehow gave license to abuse. But I realise now, this came from a self-investment of keeping myself lesser and born from a lack of self-worth. I am glad to say that this has now changed, but I still have to watch that I don’t go into old roles because they are familiar.
“Family Is More Than Blood” – it is just love.
As someone who spent twelve years of her childhood with a family that was not of my blood or race, I can attest to the truth that ‘family is more than blood.’ Today I find myself working and living in a client’s home, treated with love and as a family member as much as I embrace them as part of my family. Much more profound is understanding we’re part of one human family and embracing each human being as brother or sister. The divides we construct are purely artificial and once we get rid of them we can embrace each other equally.
So true Kehinde! We are one human family.
I remember being called little sister by the grooms who took me out riding on Arab horses into the desert in the Middle East. I felt at home and truly met by these open and welcoming people.
I work closely with families also and there is a real mix of those who may be related by blood and those who are not. Sometimes there is some justification such as “I am just the step daughter, ex wife etc” But really they are in a relationship, which to me is the important thing, I feel that confirming to clients that what they feel is family is important and it helps them to understand that no justification is ever needed.
I love your last paragraph about just accepting people when you meet them, that open living without expectation is no doubt a beautiful way to live and be met in.
I love my family no question, yet the toxic ideal of family is an absolute poison when I apply this to my relationships with them. Its taken me a long time, and many difficult conversations and situations to unpick these ideals from the true relationship I am having with another human being (that happens to be my father, my brother or my sister).
So what is that I love so much about my family (becuase this is by no means an ode to happy families)… its that of all the relationships I have these are the longest in my life and offer an insight into how much we change personally. They remind me that nothing is fixed, that the more open I am the more I learn, and that it is super important to simply be me no matter what the outside world is offering up.
I like that Simon, relationships are not fixed and the longevity of the relationships with people in our families is a wonderful reflection of that.
Family’s offspring so often is misery. For as soon as we narrow ‘those that we love’ to a select few, it eats away at the truth inside of us. As you beautifully show Anna if we do the reverse and let everyone in, as our greatest friend we start to see the barriers and segregation only exists in our heads.
The key is to love all and let everyone in, keeping protection up and barriers is closing us up and building a separation.
‘I am grateful that I challenged this limiting belief as it has allowed me to see the wider family available to me everywhere I go.’ What I love in what you share here Anna is that family is everywhere we go, if I’m open, others have the opportunity to be too but if I walk around protected in anyway then it’s less likely to happen. I’ve laughed and cried, felt supported and done the same to people I’ve only just met but the gold shared has been priceless. If we stay in the societal belief of what family is we’re playing small to what’s really on offer and holding back on the potential magic and connection available in each moment to anyone.
Beautiful sharing Anna, and so very true ‘No matter how we are in life or what our demeanour is, deep down we are all wanting to feel loved and accepted.’ The more we see, realise and accept this not only in ourselves but in others the less hurt we will get by what we see and the more we will embrace life. I used to think I had to be loved by another or others but now see the falsity in that because if I am first not loving myself no matter how much another loves me I will not see it, in fact I will doubt it, question it and even fight it. So it all comes back to how I am with myself first and foremost.
‘no longer waiting for the other to first show their love to me’ This is key Anna as while everyone is waiting for the others we are going nowhere. Someone needs to be the first to show a different way of being and why would it not be me?.
It is lovely to understand that we are all family and that we can let go of the many false ideals and beliefs around our blood ties.
I too have come to know that ‘family is more than blood’ and in the process my biological family is now only small part of the bigger family that I have now embraced. This family is scattered around the world and it may sound strange, but there are some members who I have only met a few times and some I haven’t met in person, but the time I spend with them online working on projects is a such a precious part of my life and with each meeting I get to know and appreciate them more. I grew up always wanting a big family and now I have one!
Anna the way you are living is showing the way we all must choose. We have all been deeply hurt at one point but the protection we put up is hurting us more and keeping us away from the love we all naturally are.
This is very true Kev. The love we crave is the love we are. It is only our protection that hurts us and prevents us from expressing that which we each in essence are and in-truth can never stop being – LOVE – no matter the guards we erect to halt this expression.
So true Kev, its the protection layer which we put up, walk around hard and closed, that’s actually causing more hurt than letting it go and dropping the protection.