In my experience, for a child to learn and develop in confidence and self-awareness it’s important they feel safe, both emotionally and physically. However, in the classroom a whole host of things are going on – not just the child’s relationship with the lesson in hand.
Children are very aware as they are feeling everything, all of the time. They can feel what is going on outside the window in nature while they are colouring in or doing their maths. They can feel the rest of the school and what is going on in other rooms. They can feel how the teacher and the other children are feeling and what is going on at home for them and so on, all whilst getting on with something, and yet this is not recognised or honoured by the system.
Instead the education system reduces the child to a prescribed way of doing things in a very linear way. They have to face the front, sit in a certain way, do things in a certain order, not talk, not look out the window – not be themselves in other words – which squashes their spherical awareness by not allowing them to acknowledge or articulate what they are feeling or how they are responding to what they are feeling.
When we do not give children permission to express what they are feeling, they learn to dismiss the truth of what they know, second-guessing what is asked of them and ‘playing it safe.’
Over time this false configuration of expression becomes deeply embedded in the body, feeling so familiar it eventually becomes ‘normal’ and what is perceived to be true, but the true knowingness remains unexpressed and lies dormant and buried. It is not totally forgotten however, which creates a constant underlying tension, which of course plays out slightly differently for each of us.
These insecurities have the same root cause though because the current model of education suggests that who the children are isn’t enough and that getting things wrong is bad, and therefore they have to try harder, be better etc. In learning that it is only by what they do and achieve that gets recognition, a stress is created by over absorbing ‘knowledge’ and regurgitating it. This generally causes a lifelong, un-admitted issue with making things look good at the expense of how one is really feeling.
It is clear that underneath the façade of doing things ‘right’, children do not feel wholly safe to be themselves, learning instead to hold back their natural expression for fear of not being accepted for who they are. It is interesting to note that as the child becomes an adult this becomes normalised, and so the whole cycle is repeated as they send their children off to school and encourage them to value their self-worth through what they achieve, not because of who they innately are. As a consequence, and in my experience, children very quickly learn to self-bash when they don’t understand something or find something tricky, as underneath they are looking for recognition through being a ‘success’. Nowhere is it in their lexicon to even possibly articulate their value beyond what they perceive themselves to be good at.
As a teacher therefore, my main aim, on which I base all my lessons, is to build relationships with my students. This comes from my relationship with myself first before I connect to my pupils as they can very much feel where I am at (as nothing can be truly hidden from them – their not expressing it doesn’t mean it isn’t a known!), and so a genuineness, openness and honesty needs to be there from the start. I have found that the children I teach really appreciate this and if I am feeling fragile then it is perfectly ok for this to be communicated, as in this communication my students are treated as the equals they are. Often asking them for support when I need it confirms this too.
Not only is all of this in itself incredibly powerful, but also to accept my students for where they are at is also deeply registered by them and supports them to feel safe. Ultimately what I am teaching is not beyond their scope, even if they appear to be struggling. I know that this struggle comes from the self-imposed blocks and inner tension they have created by falsely believing they are not good enough and so I hold them in a quality that communicates the truth.
Ultimately, trust in the teacher is the cornerstone of true learning for a pupil because their bodies need to feel safe to be open to learning. For example, observing year 2 children playing with Lego recently I could feel that they didn’t mind their designs falling apart because they weren’t under any pressure to get anything right – they were relaxed, having fun, simply learning as they were playing – and the great thing was they were working out what worked and what didn’t with ease.
As teachers, through developing trust we can support our kids to feel at ease, to ‘have a go’ without fear of getting things wrong because they feel valued as a person first and foremost, not judged according to outcomes or results.
By Michelle McWaters, Bath, UK
Further Reading:
What would our Education be like if we Truly Supported our Kids to Connect to their Body?
Education, Schools & Teaching our Kids: ‘Quality of Presence’ in the Classroom
The True Purpose of Education – One Size Fits All or Evolution?
533 Comments
I remember feeling loads of tension as a child not being encouraged to speak what I feel and I chose to close up for many years to seek acceptance. Being honest about this has brought lots of understanding to myself..
I think it’s really important that we nurture all kids connection with their innate wisdom and not just allow education to focus on recalling facts, grammar, knowledge etc. Nurturing that access to and expression of innate wisdom would then give everyone a sound foundation for adult life.
All kids need is to feel able to be who they are and they will flourish.
They Can feel valued if the adults who teach or grow them value themselves first.
As it just has an effect on children when they are truly seen for who they are.
It needs us first to see who we are and deeply appeciate ourselves. They feel it when we talk to them.
Lucky they are to have you around Michelle.
If the education system held this as a priority I am sure that they would see a big change in how children feel about themselves and in turn reflect in their marks improving, “Not only is all of this in itself incredibly powerful, but also to accept my students for where they are at is also deeply registered by them and supports them to feel safe.”
There is such wisdom in this blog. If children do not feel safe and like they have permission to express how they feel, they end up not trusting what they feel and become lost without this inner knowing to guide them through the challenges of life. This child then becomes an adult and tries to have relationships, work, study, take care of their body, all without this anchor and steadiness. So it is vital that children are supported to let their inner knowing flourish at school and especially at home.
Beautifully expressed Fiona. I can so relate to what you share as this echoes my own experience completely. I am having to re-learn to trust that inner knowing and to express the truth of what it shares – to myself first and foremost, which then translates out into all other areas of my life. Sometimes I still find it really hard to express and so this offers me a marker to look at the quality I allow myself in my every day to day. Sitting here as I am typing I am reminding myself to feel my body to clock in with my breathing and in just one moment I am more anchored, more self-accepting and gentle!
“When we do not give children permission to express what they are feeling, they learn to dismiss the truth of what they know, second-guessing what is asked of them and ‘playing it safe.’” This is a form of child abuse, and a long serving one as setting this up at a young age, holds them back for many many years as they play it safe and second guess themselves.
“As a teacher therefore, my main aim, on which I base all my lessons, is to build relationships with my students.” – How important is it to connect first to the person or persons and then from there do what needs to be done? If we launch into the doing first, then we leave the most important part behind (the person) and we will always feel like something is incomplete.
Feeling safe is super important both as children and as adults. This allows us to then take on board things and learn naturally and without effort.
A recent experience has taught me the importance of feeling safe to be vulnerable in relationships. Whether a man or woman, adult or child, being able to feel open and intimate is a great and precious thing.
“As teachers, through developing trust we can support our kids to feel at ease, to ‘have a go’ without fear of getting things wrong because they feel valued as a person first and foremost, not judged according to outcomes or results.” What a great approach this would be for all schools to embrace. It would be interesting to see the results in terms of academic acheivements as well as the children’s self esteem if this were taken on board as a standard across the education system.
Sandra, in my experience, when children feel met and truly supported the results simply take care of themselves. I can share that on the programme I taught on, statistical evidence has shown with just one 6 week intervention where children are learning how we learn and become aware of how they react to learning situations, that their SAT scores had been among the best in the school ever (this was from a cohort who were labelled as failures) and with another cohort from a younger age range and still with no other intervention, was still producing really good results 2 years later – exceeding set targets. The key? Simply supporting our kids to trust in themselves and to know there is no perfection. How quickly can we undo the hurts and the contraction when we bring truth and love to bear, empowering each other to confirm what we already know and how to honour that knowing.
It asks us as teachers and parents and adults to look into our own behavior. How much are we judging ourselves? As that what we live is felt by the children so this way they get the pressure anyway even without talking about it.
If we don’t feel safe then we stick to actions we know get us recognition or left alone, but it keeps us in the right and wrong rather than expressing how we feel, possibly make a mistake but at least expressing our feelings are closer to truth than doing things ‘right’.
Well said Leigh – not feeling safe sets us up to follow certain conditioned pathways or behaviours that are not usually in line with our natural way of being.
Honouring what a child reads and expresses it such an important part of their life. It allows them to be themselves is a world that usually demands otherwise.
I totally agree Michelle, if we get relationships to be about Love then everything will make sense.
In a world where it is so rare for people to express their feelings it is hardly surprising that children learn not to do this. So great to hear that this is now being encouraged in some quarters. I wish it had been when I was growing up.
“the education system reduces the child to a prescribed way of doing things in a very linear way.” how great that we can go back into this system and allow a child to grow and develop picking up the important skills but not losing the amazing expression of who they are.
We praise and celebrate this sad way of learning – of repeating knowledge and being clever when all along our true intelligence lives is embracing what we feel. Imagine if we were all brought up discussing awareness and what we sense. The cool thing as you show Michelle is it’s never to late to start living this way.
I see so much investment in the way things are within education and yet I am open to seeing the cost of this. When I talk to colleagues so many have felt the truth of what we are doing and yet feel so powerless in the face of such intensity. Many also still defend the system, not wanting to feel the enormity of what we have all subscribed to. I have learned the value of expressing how I am feeling and what I am thinking because in that moment of expression it supports another in their own awareness. We can’t do it any other way other than to light each other up one by one.
Having a teacher that sees through the pressures of education is extremely supportive for your students to feel, they then have a reflection of not being pulled in by the system and loosing their natural wonder and knowing of life.
What a real understanding of our children and all they feel and are aware of to be honoured and allowed to express their truth with understanding and love. The responsibility we hold for our young is much to be treasured for they are our future and feeling safe to be who they are is our responsibility always.
I feel what you are sharing here Michelle in the classroom is also applicable to our work culture. Our work places could benefit greatly if people felt safe and met and not caught up in being right or wrong.
The role that any teacher has is so important when thinking about it. It’s the same as a parent for a child often their first experience of another adult that looks after them for a long time is a teacher. The trust and love that can be offered here is something that has the potential to change the life of any child. We always remember those teachers that we connected with and those that we did not.
The difference it can make to a child’s life, when a teacher holds the pupil with understanding and patience is enormous. This enables the child to relax and to stay open feeling confident to make mistakes in the knowing that they are safe.
Michelle this is a beautiful relationship to have with children – to see them for who they are not what they do. I am in the US at the moment where everyone is talking about school shootings by pupils or ex students, and I absolutely know that by meeting kids, by celebrating who they are, it would have a direct impact on this level of destruction that happens in the world.
I can’t imagine the turmoil caused by pupils who are so lost that they need to gun down their cohort and the devastation that leaves behind, but you are right – the true devastation starts beforehand when we fail to confirm each and every one of our children for who they are. The devastation that leads to these acts of gross violence is felt way before the action of them takes place.
Michelle a great point, even dropping our daughter at Kindie showed me that from the 1st day onwards the system is not setup to support our kids to be the amazing people they are. In so many ways we as role models, teachers and parents need to have the space to consider how to truly raise and support the next generation.
Very good point HM it is so shocking when such violence is deemed the only way out by our young. But the role models the young are surrounded by give us clues as to why our youth are feeling isolated and angry.
I have just attended a day of professional development workshops and the most effective and inspiring learning went on when the presenters were open and accessible to the students… the opportunity to connect, feel supported and build relationships sets up an inspiring learning environment for everyone.
I so agree, Matilda. I remember doing a CPD day for drama, which I had just started teaching again at the time and the lead presenter really connected with the group in front of him. I remember at the time being quite nervous about it, but the way he connected, confirmed and responded to us all supported me to feel confident in my ability and not to doubt that I had all the skills I needed to present this subject to others. This has stayed with me. The work I then went on to do with my pupils was significant.
It is so important that children feel safe and supported by the adults that care for them, a teacher spends a lot of time with them, they are their to teach but fundamentally to offer a space of safety, a place to blossom and unfurl.
The offering of a space then ignited such wisdom it is a wonderful thing to be apart of.
We drifted away so much from truth that our children of the world miss us as adults educating them from a loving example of love.
Well said Sylvia, the best way to support children is from our own foundation of love.
Wow, the awareness you are having and living being a teacher is superb& in a way touching, as I can feel how much the system influenced my life in a very tensioned and successful driven way. You are totally breaking the illusion of the normal way of learning and teaching process, which carries so much responsibility.It is a beautiful feeling, that there is someone doing it differently& that there will be children, who know who they are, without results or notes or rewards.
It is interesting how we can take out our emotions on children sometimes feeling agitated and frustrated because they don’t get it. This behaviour not only plays out with children but I find it plays out with adults too when we accuse another of not listening or when we are explaining something and they don’t understand but blaming is not the answer for what is going on within our body. We may have investments, expectations, a picture of what it is to look like etc that can get in the way of having understanding and what is needed to support the child or adult. Dumping our issues onto another is nothing but avoiding the responsibility of not dealing with our issues and what is coming up for us in that moment.
On a sliding scale, I wonder how many of our interactions are affected because of the issues we hold on to that prevent us from bringing true allowing and understanding at any given moment? To me, it feels like we would have to be lacing every single one and so confirms what you are sharing here Caroline – the ultimate responsibility we have is to heal our hurts and issues so that we don’t ‘dump’ them on others and hurt them in turn; a vicious cycle that keeps the whole world turning in reaction and emotion – cut this and we are empowered to change everything.
This non patience with others you describe here reflects us what demands we put on ourselves. How much we are used to bashing ourselves the moment we don‘t get it straight away. Who is setting these standards?! They must come from outside, as our soul or God would never be so harsh and judgemental to us.
Totally and this expectation happens very early in school life, it is always quite shocking when I see a young child having such harsh critical voices and feelings of being stupid.
All we need to do is express from our essence, and to allow this expression from others, as this is how we raise energetically aware and responsible people of the future.
The joy of responsibility – that is the truth – so why do we run from it?