Recently I was helping out at my daughter’s sport class at school. The children, all aged around five, were learning/practising ball skills. They were in teams of six, learning to play one of those games for kids like tunnel ball, where they took turns throwing and catching to the head of the line then running around their group.
The children were loving this game, smiling, laughing, being careful to catch the ball, throwing the balls gently, taking care not to throw them too far/hard/high, looking at the person throwing the ball to them, waiting patiently for their turn in the line, running safely through the narrow gaps between each team… you get the drift, it was a pleasure to watch.
Sure, a few balls went spiralling out of control, but when that happened, the child who had dropped it just went straight after it, picked it up with no fuss and returned to their spot in the game.
And then it changed. The sport teacher told the children they were going to now have a race: they were going to play the same game, but this time, the first team to have everyone crouched down, having had a turn throwing and catching and running, would win.
The teacher called “Ready, set, go!” – and pretty much all hell broke loose.
Balls were dropped on the child in fronts’ head. That child would yell back abusively. The run-around-the-team part became a ball game of ‘let’s see how many other children we can crash into’ – many of the boys particularly ‘enjoyed’ this one. Other children on the run tripped over their feet, and bumped into the nearby brick wall. The balls that had been dropped took two or three goes to retrieve – when the children went to pick them up in the rush, they would accidentally kick the ball another few metres away. Some were even prone to further dropping the ball on their way back into the game after having retrieved it.
Then, when the first team had all crouched down and called “Finished!”, another round of shouting began as the children who had been bumped into by the winning team’s members retaliated, accusing them of cheating, hurting them, not running in the right direction, and interfering with their own team.
There were no smiles, no simple pleasure at having been able to catch a ball and throw it back to be caught again. The laughter had stopped, replaced with angry looks at one another.
Some of the children in the ‘losing’ teams didn’t even get to have their turn as they were at the end of the line and once the winning team finished, the game was over. These children looked sad or left out but said nothing; others yelled that it wasn’t fair they didn’t get to have a go.
I did notice there were a few children amongst the chaos who stayed still, able to put the same care into catching the ball, throwing and running during the race as they had during practice. At the end of the lesson, these kids simply skipped off with each other, held hands, and stood in the line quietly, waiting to return to their classroom. But the majority of the class looked angry, were still talking loudly about the race, and taking a long time to get into the line. The classroom teacher by this point began raising her voice at the stragglers to get in line, and looked thoroughly frustrated.
I then saw the next class of five year olds arrive at the sports ground. They assumed their positions in the game, standing in their teams of six, ball in hand, etc., ready to start the same thing all over again…
Healthy competition? I don’t think so. We’re told sport is ‘healthy competition’, but there was nothing healthy about the chaos I saw unfold once the race was called. When it became about winning and not the (activity) ball game itself, something very ugly and destructive came through.
Competition teaches us to be all that we can ‘do’ – it’s never about who we are, and never about being all that we are. Competition erases the knowingness of who we are, that we all have as small children, as we are pitted against one another and heralded for being able to do more / better than another. Is it not possible that we all have skills in different areas and that we can each bring our own particular skill/expression to the table for all to share in, learn from and build upon?
Education needs to focus on equity, cooperation and freedom for each and every child, so they can choose for themselves how they wish to express themselves. With this freedom, and by eliminating the need to compete, we would all benefit as each child naturally brings something different but equally amazing to society.
What would it be like then if competition (including sport) focussed on equity, cooperation and freedom for each and every child, so they could choose for themselves how they wished to express themselves? Perhaps then, and with this freedom, there would not be the chaos and competition that occurs now when a simple ball game becomes a race.
Inspired by the work of Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon.
By Suzanne Anderssen, Brisbane
362 Comments
While I was reading this blog all I can think of is my 11 year old son who absolutely dislikes competitive sports. He has never been good at it and feels completely stressed out by it at school. So from what you have observed I can see why it is so harming for children to have to compete in this way. There is no harmony or joy in any of it. It will be a very long time before the education system and society accept or recognize this and begin to realise that it could be harmful to practice competitive sports.
I agree there is nothing healthy about competition. I used to think that sport was about playing – having fun together, not about striving to outdo each other by whatever way it takes to win the game. The competition in sport feels like little mini wars going on everywhere. It is so beautiful to hear children just enjoy being and playing together.
I love how much you bring to life the scene you describe Suzanne, I am much more aware now of the effects of competition on the performance of a child’s basic motor skills. So often their ability to perform a task that before they found easy goes to pot as they get caught in the anxiousness of trying to be better or perhaps not be worse than another. It really is remarkable to watch this unwanted transformation unfold and makes me wonder why this topic hasn’t been given more coverage and credence, particularly in light of the effect on behaviour as surely teachers would prefer not to have to deal with such a stressful scenario.
The full impact of completion for children and adults is quite harmful, on many levels, from the false sense of confidence, to the push it puts into someone’s body to complete it.
What I find interesting is that, WHY did the teacher feel the need to turn this beautiful, playful game, which the children were enjoying into a race? Why spoil something that was fun and obviously working for them, being their natural playful selves? Your story seems to be an analogy for life, we are merrily skipping along when ‘all of a sudden’ something changes and the competition and comparison take over and all hell breaks loose. Competition just leads to jealousy, comparison and resentment which is not our natural way to live. By nurturing our own innate gentleness and playfulness wouldn’t this allow children to hold onto their loveliness too, taking it with them into adulthood without the need for competition and comparison.
I think the majority think that kids need to learn to cope with pressures and competition as that is what they will encounter in adult life.
Thanks Suzanne for this beautiful insight , to truly observe what competition does to us is such a gem , this should be broadcast to every one , competition in any form is so not it.
Yes, I agree, most businesses could learn from the contents of this blog.
WOW what you have accurately observed and shared is so very true and the harm clearly exposed to anyone who wishes to see. This should be compulsory reading at every school and for every sports teacher, head and parent.
Yes, it should be Nicola, I do agree. I shared my observations with one of the head teachers as teachers are in the ideal position to be pivotal in changing the way sport and exercise is done at school. This will take time but as more and more teachers realise the truth behind competition, so things will gradually change.
I agree Nicola, just reading this blog made me want to shout STOP. Examples like this would be great to film, they would make an excellent documentary for parents and teachers alike.
A great idea Fiona, filming the change in demeaned of kids and adults alike as they move from teamwork to competitiveness. It would be an eye opener for so many who at this moment champion sport and competition as being a path to one’s ‘growth’.
The competition thing in schools and in life in general is deeply imbedded and won’t change overnight. It is certainly an ugly thing but even the writing of this blog and bringing attention to this fact will help bring about awareness and the change needed to the way we live our lives and educate our children.
I totally agree with you, Suzanne. With competitiveness, the seriousness, the rough & tough behaviour comes in, and there is no more One unified, just fragmentation, and the fun is lost.
Thank you Suzanne for your blog. It is so sad that children can be tainted at such a young age to pit themselves against one another. As you say ‘Competition erases the knowingness of who we are’ as we immediately become caught up in the doing-ness. Education would surely serve humanity if it ‘focussed on equality, cooperation and freedom for each and every child’. We could then grow up to become adults who truly served and made a positive contribution to our world that would become sustainable.
So true Suzanne that education should be built on equity, cooperation and freedom. In competition, everything decent flies out the window and your just left with a drive to win- that’s your goal and that’s what you see in front of you. There is no consideration or love left for the person you might be interacting with at the time. It sounded like a mad house what you have described.
Thank you Suzanne for exposing what competition creates. We see this on the world stage with riots and aggression at elite soccer and football games. And it all starts as young children in our schools. I wonder if the teacher noticed the change in the children, as you had, which then meant she now had to raise her voice and feel frustrated which then spills over into her interactions with the class for the rest of the day.
You make a great point Karen, the knock on effects for the teacher then becoming frustrated and that then becomes the momentum she takes into her next class with another 25 young children. Where does it end?
Suzanne, what you have revealed here is so true and every teacher needs to read this. The competition in sport gets worse as the children get older, for it becomes less and less about the child and how they feel and more about the kudos for the school, when the team wins and often kudos for the parents! I have often seen the pressure on boys for instance to score goals in football, but there is no joy in the experience for them, only pressure. There is only winners and losers -there is nothing loving in this!
Such a beautiful blog, exposing something so common on schools and in sports, It isn’t about the game anymore when it becomes competition. We get lost in the recognition we get when we won, and feel dissatisfied when we lose, it isn’t fun anymore.
Suzanne thank you so much for your revealing blog.” Competition teaches us to be all that we can ‘do’ – it’s never about who we are, and never about being all that we are.” My feeling is that some people in this world would not understand what you describe here because our education is so in line with being competitive that even the parents raise their kids in this energy in the meaning they are doing something good for their children. We are blind on this eye and therefore I love you blog because it exposed what the energy of being competitive is really doing. You expose the real harm behind it.
Great blog Suzanne. This brought back so many memories for me. I played a lot of team sports until my early 20’s and learned how to ‘play the game’ well so that I would not look frazzled, frustrated or furious. I and many others thought that I had a good attitude in sport regardless of whether I won or lost. All I ever really did was bury how I truly felt so that I could continue to feel like I belonged in some way and get some sort of recognition.
A great observation you made there, and so important that you wrote about it. There is indeed no ‘healthy’ in competition.
I can just picture how children must have changed as soon as the race was on (I used to teach at primary schools). As written here, there are some children who naturally do not get caught up in “competitions” thankfully. Current education really needs a fundamental change.
What really got my attention in this blog Suzanne was the way you described how the children were when the chaos erupted and about competition erasing that knowingness of who we are. If small children have a strong sense of who they are to ask them to race would be like expecting a fish to swim on land, if it tries it would struggle. As I read the part about the race it felt like the competition was asking the children to act in a very unnatural way – hence the chaos. And from experience I know while at work I give more focus to what I need to get done – such as a promotional change over or get a certain task done in a certain time – I lose all focus of me and sole focus is on the task. This leads to feeling anxious, craving foods, emotional disturbances and the list could go on. What has stood out the most in this blog is that to focus on what the doing can bring us we lose sight of what we can already bring without trying.
I love what you say here Leigh, that when the focus is on what the doing can bring us, e.g. rewards, recognition, accolades, promotions, friendships etc, we can easily lose sight of what we can actually bring without even trying. We can lose sight of why we were enjoying the activity in the first place.
Love this line Leigh: ‘…to focus on what the doing can bring us we lose sight of what we can already bring without trying.’ When we are our natural selves it is amazing what can unfold with such ease. Competition and anxiousness seem to go hand in hand and what often comes with that are mistakes and compromised performance.
Of course there are those that say they thrive on competition, but at what expense to their bodies? And why do we need to compete? In the past I used competition to seek recognition and identification…but stopped that as it’s a never ending pit of ‘never good enough’ and no space to stop and appreciate myself or others.
Great blog Suzanne, this so clearly shows that competition can bring up so much anxiety and separation between us all when in fact it is working together that is the greatest part of it and not the end result.
This is a great article depicting the fun in sharing a game of ball and the total change of energy in the theme of competition, which certainly takes away the fun and a loving connection among the group.
At 8 years old, after a punishing training, I won the Inter Schools long jump and obstacle race, with my photo and a write up in the local newspaper. This gained me much approval and recognition, which in turn meant I pushed my body even harder………
Another 60 years on, I found the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, “competition is not who we are” finally, body pushing is over, recognition no longer necessary.
That sounds really intense. I can imagine standing by observing the difference between the activities would have been quite alarming. We really do take competition for granted. Thank you for the observation!
This so reminds me of my childhood sporting days. There was indeed a driving force that made me abandon any love that I otherwise would have felt for that person/s or opponent, at that time. And often after the game or competition the hurt of defeating and being defeated lives on in some way. Thank you Suzanne for highlighting so clearly how this happens and how unhealthy this game of sport is – not only for the players involved, but all of us who have to live with the effects long after the game is over.
Great blog Suzanne. The picture that came to mind when you described how the chidren were initially playing, was one of children focused to do the activity well, but doing it in a joyous manner with laughter and watching out for others when running for the ball. When competition was introduced the energy changed immediately. The children were more agressive and angry with others if a mistake was made, and they would have continued on in this energy into the next lesson. It doesn’t strike me that there were any ‘winners’ from that experience.
Awesome Suzanne, thank you for your sharing on this. It certainly took me back to schoolyard days and I definitely remember this feeling of competition, and feeling let down, or as if no one saw how good I was if I didn’t win. I then learned to not participate in the things I wasn’t good at to avoid looking like a ‘failure’. In contrast to that, I definitely reveled in the things I was good at, and when I did win. How different could it have been had I just felt loved and supported no matter what I did, and my strengths encouraged to allow me to blossom into the awesome me. Competition is such a given in all of society currently, and this is a simple and very exposing example such as this, that shows the disarray it can cause. I do wonder what society would look like without it.
Damaging and function I agree and outcome at the expense of others. Personally I disliked competitive sports immensely it made me want to hide. Not a great way to start out at 5 – hating something and wanting to hide.
I can still remember as a child getting highly anxious during sports days, I was never a “winner”. This made me feel less and unworthy, I then started to try less and use bad behavior so I didn’t have to participate in sports. I too would love to see more equality, cooperation and freedom in schools.
I too got highly anxious during school sports days. I loved winning and would win most races but looking back the feeling of winning races was very short lived as the emptiness filled me inside. I felt very confused as a child and now I am understanding the reason for this. From my experience it is certainly not natural for any child to compete with one another and how we as adults think that competition is good for us is beyond my understanding. Our education system needs to be made more aware of the impact competition has on our children and therefore how it effects them later on in life.
What a great example how something like competition can turn our kids from being joyous to angry. There is so much competition embedded into our everyday living that its not hard to see why anxiety is so prolific in society. There is constant pressure to “do more” and “be better” than others in our work place. Such an un-healthy way to live.
Suzanne, after reading your blog, it took me back to remembering my school sport days and how I used to dread sport especially in secondary school where sport was compulsory and we had to play hockey. I wasn’t a very good team player as when the puk came near me I would move away as after having my ankles whacked by the stick instead of the puk a couple of times, I didn’t wish to be in the firing of anyone’s swing. For me it brought in a tension around that word competition that was definitely not enjoyable.
The competition thing starts way too young in school as at my daughters school they get these badges of honour for various things and they already have things like the elite learning group. Age five is this really necessary?
Fully agree Kevin, and not just at age 5 – is it necessary at all? Just look at adult competition and how some of them behave when they ‘lose’ ….
I agree Kevin and Karina. It amazes me the number of certificates the school where my children attend give out and this recognition the children get for what they do is becoming much worse. Not only does one child in every class get pupil of the day (a star), pupil of the month (certificate presented to them in the hall by the headteacher) they now have recently been introduced to a points scheme where the children build points or have points taken off during the week for their behaviour, work, helping another, tidying up etc… it is getting quite ridiculous! Wouldn’t it be awesome if the children had certificates for being the amazing, beautiful beings of light they truly are?
It is quite interesting that there even is a term like healthy competition, as how you have observed and described it so aptly, when competition comes into play things become not quite so harmonious anymore; and when we look at what it means to our bodies, we can easily feel an anxiousness and super alertness just by hearing the word competition, let alone going to enter a competition. So I do agree there is nothing healthy about competition.
Susanne your blog has left me thinking about how competition is ingrained from such a young age that we think that it is normal. What you have described here as happening when competition comes into play and how the children lose themselves ‘to get somewhere’ is deeply saddening, particularly when children innately know how to ‘just be’ and enjoy themselves. What a shame that it is commonly thought that competition is healthy. Really, this ideal needs to be re examined. The state of the children that you described at the end of the tunnel ball competition doesn’t sound healthy at all. A true state of health is only through ‘being’ – which is so natural for children. Why do we steer them away from this?
Susanne your writing on this subject really brought home how we have all been affected by competition, and we did know all along that it didn’t feel right. It has permeated every aspect of our lives, how we look at other women, how we criticise ourselves, how we feel anxious about our ability to do everything in a day…..how precious are those children and how amazing for those who get a teacher who teaches co-operation and equality.
I felt quite sad when reading your blog Susanne. For many years I was a Physical Education teacher who pushed and encouraged students to compete and strive, now to my shame and regret for the harm I caused.
I love what you have written; how education can be and needs to be;
“Education needs to focus on equity, cooperation and freedom for each and every child, so they can choose for themselves how they wish to express themselves. With this freedom, and by eliminating the need to compete, we would all benefit as each child naturally brings something different but equally amazing to society.”
What a clear example of the destructive influence competition actually has on us and our relationships. We all knew this as kids but we learn to comply and realise this is the way the game of life is played. I see the effect this competition has had on teenagers as they approach sports at school. The ones that have dedicated themselves to being good at sport as their way of getting recognition in life, say they love sport. Those who have felt crushed by competition and the ugliness that comes with it, give up and stop participating. As you saw in the group of 5 year olds there was no one who didn’t want to play and enjoy the game. It is the competition that separates and polarises us.
What a great story to reflect that ‘healthy competition’ can breed anything but that, especially in these children, in us all. Your statement “it’s never about who we are, and never about being all that we are,” this is so true and the competition, no matter what it is, really can foster this.
Competition has made so much of my life less enjoyable. It really is a blight on us all having activities that create winners and losers. I look forward to the day when we can look back at our history and say, ‘what were they thinking when they thought competing against one another was a good idea?’
What an important observation to witness. I too see this as a school teacher. Generally nice students can become so angry and aggressive when competition is involved. Every day in the classroom I have to remind students that art is not a competition and to not compare themselves to another’s ability. Sadly this competitive consciousness will take some time to heal as sport is such a huge force in society.
It is sad that education encourages children at such a young age to be constantly in competition with each other and to push their way through regardless of who may be shoved out of the way. The ‘winner’ then finds that next time everyone else is out to try and pull them off the podium. This article shows so clearly the joy of everyone working together and having fun without trying to ‘get’ anywhere. That is true education.
It is such a shame that much of life today is about competition, even for young kids at school who are simply playing a game. Suzanne it would be a very different and more loving world if we were able to interact with absolute freedom and individuality in competition sports, work or life in general.
Great observation Suzanne, I can picture the whole game, the way you described it is very clear. I can also relate really well, remembering back when I was at school and seeing the competition that would cause all friendships in my class to seemingly disappear while the game was on.
Thanks Suzanne for illustrating how destructive competition is especially on young children. When really there are no real winners
Great observation Suzanne and how sad that we live in a world that teaches children that they can only feel good about themselves if they win or are the best at something – there’s no love in competition.
Well summed up Shelley. We program children so strongly with competition in every aspect of school life that to be without it is a mystery to them. We have made competition so normal. The drive to have another chance of winning, or being recognised for something keeps them in that perpetual loop of motion. I offered my class an opportunity to not turn an organised activity into a competition recently, but to simply enjoy the activity for what it was and to have a breather from intensity that competition brings…. Interestingly they weren’t interested. Yet those that don’t get top spot are so disappointed (and often cry) and those that win get falsely inflated. Just what are we creating here?
You make some great observations about how early we condition our young to become competitive and angry at the world. What purpose does that ultimately serve in a young persons life, other than to program them to become alienated and mistrustful of people? What on earth are we doing? I have a whole new appreciation of this conditioning since reading your article Suzanne. Thanks.
So true Suzanne! The children suffer a lot of stress and anger when it becomes a competition. I love your take on it Jessica. I shall use something similar thank you.
What a great depiction of what ensues when we call on competition. In this frame of mind there are always a winner and many losers. The student body of Universal Medicine is showing us how to do away with comparisons by evaluating ourselves as complete in our own way,
Through out my schooling sport was a major factor for me, I was told that I had to play team sports so I would not be a loner, fit in and get along with the other kids, I remember when I first started playing these “team sports” if this is getting along with each other and being apart of something, theres something wrong. Competition is foul it totally takes away any fun and joy
I actually liked the sharp, metallic taste of competition and the way it numbs you. It was a welcome reprieve from feeling too much and noticing too much.
Yes, and isn’t competition such a waste of energy? Pouring all that effort into proving that you are the best at something? But why? How does that time and energy serve anyone, other than the ego of the winner? Is it not time that we consider that the energy of competition – in which we pit ourselves against our fellow men and women – might be far better spent by working together and with our peers, so as to create a better world? This seems very obvious, considering all of the problems humanity is currently facing in the world.
Lovely expressed Conor. Competition is such a waste of time and energy and who does it truly serve, no-one. Working together, communicating and sharing together, is so much more natural and fun for both adults and children.
What an incredible observation, seeing the switch flick in the kids as soon as the ball game became a competition. It was no longer about having fun and working together but about beating the opposition by any means possible.
Sadly this carries through into our adult life where there is always the champion and the loser, the one last to be picked and those who want nothing to do with team activities because of past experiences like the one described.
Is this what we really want for society everyone trying to out do each other at the expense of who they are and their fellow human beings? What if we could raise our children to value who they are and what each other brings and that to be successful we need to work together harmoniously with no one being left out or left behind. Now that would be something worth teaching in school…
What if we could raise our children to value who they are and what each other brings and that to be successful we need to work together harmoniously with no one being left out or left behind. Now that would be something worth teaching in school… Certainly would be Rachel, feels like you have started amending the cirriculum?
What an awesome observation and exposure to ‘healthy competition’ for it can never ever be that.
The competition thing really freaks me out. I remember how many fights it caused with my siblings growing up or even how my 5 year old daughter has a will to being first or best at a very young age. Where does this come from? Does it not feel better when we are equal? The being better,faster,richer etc is definitely from a different energy.
Thank you for sharing an amazing observation. It is incredible how competition plays out throughout the day in many areas not just sport. It seems it is always about being seen to be the best and to get everything done as quickly as possible, even when it comes to answering a question in class, with a child putting their arm up the fastest. In these moments the ‘trample’ on others and race can be felt. ‘Education needs to focus on equality, cooperation and freedom for each and every child, so they can choose for themselves how they wish to express themselves.’ Thank you Suzanne.
Thanks Julie. I like how you call it the ‘trample on others’, as this is what’s really happening and it doesn’t feel nice.
Competition does feel like, “trampling on others”. It leaves a feeling of hardness, anxiety and frustration. There is nothing lovely about that!
Exactly Rachel whenever I drop into a form of competition it feels really horrible. Certainly not lovely at all.
Thank you for sharing this insightful observation. Something that can teach us so much about education and competition.
I absolutely feel that education does not need to be a race – nor does sport. We’re teaching this to our children at such a young age, and then they take this mindset of ‘do and get rewarded’ into their everyday lives.
What you say here below – sums it up;
‘Education needs to focus on equality, cooperation and freedom for each and every child, so they can choose for themselves how they wish to express themselves.’
There is such a beauty in unique expression – and supporting this as opposed to conforming to a certain way.
A lot to learn from this experience!
Thanks for sharing this article on the damaging consequences of competition Suzanne. Competition does indeed teach ‘us to be all that we can ‘do’ – it’s never about who we are, and never about being all that we are. Competition erases the knowingness of who we are, that we all have as small children, as we are pitted against one another and heralded for being able to do more / better than another’. It is simply horrible.
Amazing Suzanne – I have seen this too in the pool with swimming: once it becomes a race/competition, the children’s stroke changes absolutely, often involving a lot more splashing and crazy kicking! So instead we do ‘competitions’ about who can do the most gentle arms, or focus on other qualities in their swimming, other than how fast they can go, which changes the dynamic enormously.
Beautiful Jessica, I love how your ‘competitions’ are about who can ‘do the most gentle arms, or focus on other qualities in their swimming’ and it’s not just about how fast they can go.
Yes Suzanne, we all have skills in different areas for us to bring our own essential qualities and expression enriching our daily lives and interactions. The change you speak of in education eliminating the need to compete would indeed change society for the better.
Thank you Suzanne for clearly showing us how competition destroys true community. It would be a true evolution in humanity if we choose to build competition on “equity, cooperation and freedom”, a competition to see who can establish these qualities to the highest standards. It would transform our understanding of group work and how to live and work in a way that benefits everyone, not just a select few who can push, force or rush more than another.
This is a great article how competition is damaging to everyone. What harm it causes from the first experience of competition in ones life. I remember when I was a child and I was slow at running and felt always left out, I then always had it in me I am loser I can’t run, I am not good at sports. What made it worse was when I would be picked on by other kids. This is something that stays with you. If there was no competition, how different would my experiences have been.
This is a great article in exposing how children enjoying a game and developing hand/eye coordination skills can be spoiled by making it a competition to create one winner and lots of losers. I remember that attending sports day at our children’s junior school was a day of endurance for many as so many parents were desperate for their children to make them feel good by winning a race and the children who felt they had let their parents down when they didn’t win.
Such a great example of how there is no ‘healthy’ competition. I have been at my 5 year old daughters sports day and I felt fear, anger and strong emotions from some parents and children. It was not playful, collaborative or inclusive. It created drama, exhaustion and disappointment. That was the lesson for the day. I feel competition does not support society, any issue that troubles the world on a larger scale has an element of competition, that is at its root.
I have always been naturally good at sports, but the competition never felt ok, I always wanted to not keep score. It is great to understand now that “healthy” competition is not ok.
I really like this, a superb observation to illustrate the harm that competition brings.
I also feel there is a tremendous pressure put on teachers these days to create competition. There are a lot of parents who demand that there is a competitive element to events such as sports day, normally because they have a child who excels in this area. Also, every aspect of school has become more results driven and so our orientation has gone towards judging our children on everything they do. We can all remember being judged on things we did growing up, I can’t see a positive benefit for society of making childhoods so demanding.
Thank you Suzanne for this great article and observation about competition. It is so true how much it affected me as a kid always wanting to be part of it, looking for approvals and recognition and the hurt when the team I was in did not win!
Exactly Alex although I must say I mostly ended up on the loosing team as all the kids that did not like sport or where not so good at sport often ended up on the same team. When I look back I recall I did envy the “popular” kids who were good at sport. It shows me how, as you have shared, the value children can feel about themselves is based on how good they are at something like sport and with the schools championing it, anyone that does not fit into the ideal sporting person often feels like a lesser person – an outcast. Far from bringing people together, sport which always incites competition, is far more damaging to children than perhaps we have wanted to see.
Great comment on competition. I have also witnessed similar things at my daughters school and have experienced it myself when I was an elite athlete in the past. I can remember loving running but literally being physically sick before most races because of the pressure to perform and compete. I agree competition and therefore most sport in their current forms are not the healthy things we all assume them to be but in fact are severely damaging our society.
I love the way you described the children enjoying themselves initially, which is natural for them and obviously unnatural when it comes to competing against each other. I am sure, teachers realise that it changes the children’s behaviour when they are asked to compete against each other; especially as they see it over and over with every new school year. Maybe as parents, we could start the conversation with Teachers and schools and support with discussing another way for children’s sports days?
I’ve recently been observing a group of teenagers and how they play naturally together with a ball in a park. When made up of boys and girls, I have noticed that very often they are playing a haphazard game together of just keeping the ball in the air. Anyone can join in or not, and there is lots of fun and plenty of encouragement, and they applaud if someone does a particularly skillful move to keep the ball off the ground – and no critical or judgmental reaction when the ball is dropped. It is a team game in the right sense, they all have the same goal and work together in their different ways to achieve that. So, yes, more conversations with teachers and schools, pointing out how hard and aggressive children become in competitive sport, but how true team work can work, and allow the children to develop their own physical skills naturally.
I recently played some sports games with 10 -15 year olds and they were really competitive and a few would get really angry, but they would think nothing of it, like it was normal or okay for them to behave like that. I felt they probably got that behaviour from watching football games where the players have been aggressive with each other but still get put on pedastalls by fans. It made me see even more what an influence these players have on children and that they are not good role models.
For a long time I have known I am not competitive as I didn’t like how it made me feel. I have always enjoyed being active and learning a new skill because it was fun to feel the movement in my body and also fun to play with others just like you describe the tunnel ball activity with the 5 year olds. No pressure, just fun and playful. I have quit sporting activities because of the competitive elements as you describe that made it feel awful and definitely not fun. For some it’s fun to win but for me is was the interaction, the relationship with me, my body, the ball or bat and the relationship with others if they were involved too that was fun. Once competition came in then the pressure to win also brought in abuse whether it be from other team members, your competitor or simply the abuse of overriding the body when it was screaming it had had enough or didn’t like you moving in such a forceful way.
So yes, it’s lovely to feel an acknowledgement and appreciation for myself being able to get this about competition at a young age but what I didn’t realise is I have lived a life “racing”, always wanting to get there first, walking ahead of the group, going faster than I naturally feel to, always feeling I need to hurry up, feeling the mental pressure to go faster. I have certainly addressed a lot of this raciness in my body and can operate with a lot more stillness in my body but I never related competition and the “race” as being connected. I definitely have been driven to win the race … What race?
My youngest son will happily kick a football against a wall on his own for hours, or dribble it around the lawn, or sit on it. But then….put two jerseys down as goal posts and introduce his brother…..all hell breaks loose!!
And this is ‘healthy’ Otto?!!? It has a name and they call it sibling rivalry which then makes it okay. This doesn’t sit well with me. It’s a great training ground for life, and it helps toughen up the kids but what does it really do on a deeper more permanent level? Life can throw us a curve ball but what if we had our brother to help us out and support us when this happens, so we can work together and actually catch the curve ball, not have to drop it or fend for ourselves.
[…] This blog originated as a comment inspired by the blog: From Ball Game to Race: a Not-So-Healthy Competition […]
Great topic Competition is ugly. I can remember in my first days at school we had a mini Olympics it was called, with cardboard gold, silver and bronze with winners and losers. So from day one it had begun. The thing was competition wasn’t a choice, you were made to do it and then it was straight into playing rugby which I played for about twenty years. Looking back if I had my time over I would never play rugby, I did some nasty things on the rugby field all in the name of competition and it is so hard on the body. It would be interesting to also hear how Teachers feel about competition with sports at school and what they observe goes on between children. This observation of yours needs to be taken out there into schools and made known on a wider scale. Thanks Suzanne for bringing this up.
Thanks for your comment Kevin. When we stop and really look at what it means to compete, pit yourself against another to find the ‘better’ or ‘stronger’ player, what we find is really ugly and not what we would choose for ourselves. The problem is most people don’t stop and look at competition, we just follow what we’re told to do, by people who themselves have been told that it’s okay when they were young.
I have shown this to the principal of my daughter’s school, something we could all do, to show our teachers that there is harm to the current way, and that just a little bit of awareness can go a long way to putting a stop to how we play sport.
For teachers, it is part of the curriculum to teach sports, which implies competition as part of the activity. Yes it would be interesting to hear what Teachers observe goes on between children when they go into this competition, and if they feel to teach it in another way. As a society we are not yet aware on how sport can affect us but more articles like this will hopefully help to bring this awareness in us and see sport for what it is and the damage it can cause effectively.
Wonderful comments from everyone. For me, I have felt sport is there to be enjoyed, get fit and get healthy. It is not about winning but the enjoyment of being with your friends and colleagues. Over the years of playing sport, and even today when I play golf, I observe a number of people who beat themselves up, if things are not going their way.
This takes me back to School days, I was always the one that would drop the ball or trip over! I’ve never stopped to think how I changed in those moments to want to win, and why that was so important – yet the more I wanted to win the more something would go wrong! Interestingly thats the same way I then grew up and went into work – pushing through when there is some “win” at the end of it – disregarding everything in the process. I would never have said I was competitive – just that I like things to go my way – but in reality I had a huge investment in that success, that win which is ultimately and clearly being competitive. So from opting out of Sport at school I took that same thing into other fields i.e. work. Thanks for writing on this.
The one thing I got when I read “pitted against one another” is that it reminded me of arena fighters. The alive one wins. Sure it’s a bit of an extreme example, but where’s the difference really? The objective is the same. The win is short lived – as you have to go back into another ‘match’ at a neutral position and fight for dominance again (with the risk of losing) and when you lose, you feel annihilated.
It’d be great to see sport introduced (not only in schools) for fun and exercise, rather than introducing all those emotions of failure and the short-term elation of a win.
Thanks for sharing!
Spot on Stephen. Competition will not prepare us for the real world. Competition will ‘ARM’ us for the real world, put us into a permanent fight response. make us need to wear protection for what’s install for us.
Absolutely Suzanne, we come armed to the teeth, I have heard so many times that we have to prepare our children for the competitive “dog eat dog” world. I know how false that is as in all my work experience my ability to work cooperatively and as part of a team has always been of greater value than a competitive streak. The individuality I have developed from being competitive growing up is something I would say has held me back and made me struggle as a team player, as the recognition I grew up seeking does not transfer easily to group work, where sharing and communicating is both efficient and effective.
My experience of competitive sports is how joyless it was whether winning or losing, any pleasure gained for me was from the camaraderie and being in a group sharing experience and making friendships. This for me is where the true value of sport or exercise is, not as a way to compete and prove yourself better than another. The notion that competition is needed to prepare ourselves for the real world feels empty and hollow to me, if we experience the joy of play and being cooperative as a child, surely that prepares us more fully for the world than any competition can.
So true Stephen. I remember liking sport and outdoor activities as a child, one because we were outside and not stuck in the classroom but mostly as you say it was about the friendships and fun we had by just being with each other. Skipping, playing ball or rounders it was an opportunity to express our natural playfulness. When competition was introduced, as Suzanne so wonderfully expressed, the magic and joy is taken away replaced by disappointment and a deep feeling of emptiness. How horrible – no fun at all!
I agree Stephen, every year for over 20 years whilst working as a bus driver I played in a snooker tournament with over 500 others from different bus companies all over England and it wasn’t so much the competition that I enjoyed but the chance to meet up with friends I hadn’t seen for a year.
It is very commonplace for people to have the notion that competition is needed to prepare kids for what adult life has in stall for them. To me this proves that competition is already known that it toughens kids up. Competition is a conscious choice to push aside sensitivity and strengthen the i-can-do-anything / I can handle it attitude at the expense of tenderness, togetherness, companionship, unity and harmony.
Chicken or the egg: perhaps education needs to be in first teaching adults the value of sensitivity in adulthood so it is fostered in our kids? Then maybe the adults will be better equipped to support the natural tenderness that comes from our kids and competition just won’t get a look in.
I have seen the same thing is school. When we have sport lessons, I really don’t enjoy it because I’m very aware that my hand eye coordination isn’t fantastic to say the least, and so the competitions can become embarrassing, like when I go to kick a ball and miss, or aim for the goal and end up passing to the other team, oops! Because of this sense of having to do well, almost perform, it takes away from the enjoyment of exercise and having fun or working as a team. The lessons I have enjoyed most are the ones where the activities are fun and team building without it being all about winning. I felt the way you observed what was going on was amazing and you really clearly expressed it in your article, thank you.
Thank you Rebecca. You quite clearly point out that it is a Performance. We are being judged on our efforts, not once do we just applaud the simple fun that we are having, or simply feel good for the health benefits of blood running through our body with the exercise.
This is so clear and true Suzanne, I have felt all that terrible tension and hardness creep in when I was participating in sport as a child, and then observing my children. Their primary school once ran a sports day based on teamwork, but the parents objected and it returned to the old races format. Perhaps it is the parents who need to be educated as children know innately what is joyful and fun and harmonious.
What a tragedy the parents objected to a day of harmonious togetherness. Already it’s not enough for so many to simply enjoy the beauty of friendship and team bonding, but that the need for ownership or recognition overrides all other emotions. The parents do indeed need re-educating, all it would take is one school principal to stand steady in their decision to play it another way. I say put the link to this article in the school newsletter!
Thank you Suzanne for this article about sport and for exposing how destructive and unnatural competition is. It is so much more harmonious when we all work together rather than compete against each other, competition is about individuality and being better than each other, it seems crazy that sport and winning and competition is encouraged in schools.
This is a great blog Suzanne and as Meg says, shows how damaging competition really is. As someone who has played many different sports competitively whenever I or my team lost I would never show it outwardly but I would be fed up, deflated and sometimes angry. Ultimately competition is self-defeating because winning can never be sustained and you are always going to be left with the pain of losing and the feelings of dejection.
I agree Tim, that ‘winning feeling’ is only ever temporary. Any feeling based on smashing another has got to be questioned.
Tim reading your comment about the fact that winning can’t be sustained in sport made me wonder if the time that sports people spend in the preparation and lead up to winning is similar to that of a gambler in the lead up to their potential win, anticipating that glorious high. The lead up is part of the building towards a win, it’s all tied in to the prospect of winning and therefore ties those who are involved in the sport/gambling into the whole process. It’s almost like people don’t realise that most of the time they are not winning but waiting to possibly win.
This is a great exposé and example if how damaging competition is to both children and adults. We need to teach our young children that it is who they are that matters, not what they do or win or achieve!
Life would be about friendship and teamwork if we were to concentrate on who our kids are, not what our kids are doing. Meg, you’re spot on – making it about achieving is a mistake.
Suzanne, this is such a clearly written example of what plays out every day for many. I love Adam’s response, who goes further into the depths of what it feels like to be involved. I’m pretty sure we have all seen examples of unhealthy competition go on, and no doubt felt it for ourselves too. Classic, thank you.
Loved your article, Suzanne. I was struck by how this sentence, ‘Is it not possible that we all have skills in different areas and that we can each bring our own particular skill/expression to the table for all to share in, learn from and build upon?’ has a role to play in the world of work as well as in schools. Work is but a playground for the continuation of the beliefs we have cemented as children.
How right you are Cathy. Every single human being is a piece of the giant puzzle and without each individual’s special skills and expressions, the puzzle never gets to be completed.
I recently got to see how it is not just amongst children that competition changes behaviour. My dog and I go to a local fun dog agility class. At our last class of term there was a very low key competition in our class. I lined up with Benji my dog as usual. It didn’t occur to me not to – we were doing the same thing as last week, just this time someone had called it a competition. I saw that some people were surprised. I later realised that this was because Benji hadn’t exactly been good at agility, and had generally in class dashed off across the field half way through his turn. So, once it was a competition, people assumed that he and I wouldn’t take part. During the evening I saw one lady get quite upset because her dog ran off and had a pee during his go, and so his time was slower than it would have been, and then there was man who appeared totally crushed by the fact that his lovely dog seemed to see through the whole thing, and chose not to go over the obstacles this week. Other people became quite intense, or over focused and some were upset with their dogs/themselves. It was as though in some cases past experiences, maybe from school were being relived. In some cases it was the pride at success that could be seen, and with others it was the resignation or frustration at things not going so well. And this was a fun dog agility class.
I love what you’ve shared here Catherine. It seems like as soon as any activity becomes competitive, people, and dogs, lose themselves, and any understanding of why they played in that activity in the first place. I feel that for many people, if we simply took competition off the agenda, they would be relieved and perhaps even overjoyed. Being recognised as a winner wouldn’t be needed, but I also think that very quickly, the sheer enjoyment of the activity would far outweigh any recognition received.
I love the example above of the dog who seemed to see through the whole charade but simply not partaking! If only people did the same…
… yes, that would be great: what if there was a competition and nobody entered? Now that is newsworthy indeed.
Elizabeth I agree that competition has crept into every facet of society, it certainly seems to have taken over the television. Every other program is a competition. Who can out cook, out entertain, out model, out sing, out dance, stay in the house the longest, endure pain and I even saw an advertisement on the side of a bus for a children’s spelling bee competition coming to the telly ! All of this is on top of the hours and hours of sport that is already on the telly !
This is great, Suzanne. An amazing lesson for adults with and without kids. What struck me reading this was that the ideal of ‘healthy competition’ is more about teaching children what it feels like to lose, not strive to win. And any strive to win is simply to stave off the horrible feelings of loss.
As Adam Warburton said in an earlier comment, his first memory of competition was losing a race and feeling the loneliness while the winner was congratulated. And he went on to be a fierce competitor. Possibly based in part on this initial experience?
Naren that is so true what you have clearly pointed out. I can absolutely agree with this – when I was a younger girl I used to win trophey’s for long distant running but the loss of not winning and receiving all that acceptance and recognition, was devasting and I felt worthless.
No amount of winning will ever offset the devastation of losing, if that is the values we choose to live by. I have seen firsthand the panic in children when a game has been switched from fun learning to competition, it is definitely “not so healthy”.
And the more we take notice of how we go about our activities Fiona, the better able we are to see how it’s not really working and the more likely we are to ask is there a better way. Thanks for your feedback.
Yes we accept competition as just a way of life – it is engendered in schools from the getgo – yet we are by our true nature collaborative rather than competitive – how amazing it would be if that was engendered instead of competition?
Mankind could and would probably build another few great pyramids, Eunice!
I absolutely loved this Suzanne. The chaos of the ball game when it became a race was VERY revealing. It is very harming to compete and I luuurrrvvvee what you share about our uniqueness as it is soooo true.
I just watched a Commonwealth Games athlete interviewed after losing when he was hot favourite to win. He was desolate and filled with emptiness as everything was invested in winning. Do we really want children or anyone for that matter to live that way or would it be of more value for us to allow children to just be who they are, instead of asking them to perform.
Thanks for your comment Stephen. We are taught to be gracious losers, and humble winners; somehow we think that makes sense on the surface, in the words only. But the very fact that we can realise that it hurts to lose, smashes open that door on competition and the true nature and effect of it.
How many athletes (and it must be in the millions) feel crap when they’ve tried their best but still they don’t seem to measure up in another’s eyes? And of course it’s not just athletes…
I agree Stephen, when you see the desolation of the one loosing why would you want to compete in sport. Sport should be fun and enjoyed by everyone, and not based on winning or loosing. Children are not natural competitors it is only through the influence of adults who encourage the win loose ethos that children learn to compete.
The weight of all those expectations must have been crushing for this athlete. It feels awful enough just reading about it, leave alone watching or actually experiencing it, but in one way or another, we all have.
Aaahh the competition card … as you clearly state NOT SO HEALTHY… from generation to generation it keeps being fed. Which leads to more and more relationships being distorted by its un-truthful ways. Awesome observation and clearly shared. Thank you.
Great article that exposes so clearly what happens when competition is introduced to a fun activity. So unnecessary and also what is lost through competition, not just the ‘knowingness of who we are’ but also the unity of working together in harmony.
Helen I really love what you have written about the fact that competition rules out working together in harmony. Working together in harmony is such an incredibly transformative tool and supports our evolution and so doing anything that takes us in the opposite direction takes us naturally away from evolution and into stagnation.
A wry smile came to my lips Suzanne as I read your account of how naturally children work together to move the ball along the line, run to fetch if it goes astray and have FUN. Why the smile, well I was wondering whether many ‘team building’ exercises for high power personnel don’t promise a similar outcome. So are these expensive courses in essence not offering to deliver exactly what we had as 5 year olds? Hmm, so what does that say about our ‘education’ and the life skills we have learned? My favourite team activity these days is re-arranging furniture and room layouts at a Universal Medicine event. It all just seems to ‘happen’, someone just appears at the other end to help lift a massage table or place a chair up onto a stack, no words needed, no self appointed monitors vying to produce the best solution, all I experience is the flow. So thank you to Serge Benhayon for all that you have awakened in us that facilitates this beautiful harmony.
So true Kathie.
I love how you relate this scenario with the team building exercises in the corporate world. I don’t see there is a difference either. Team building in the corporate world seems to still be about power and group dynamics in the team. In my experience, there is often an underlying feeling of domination, team members jostling for position within the team, wondering who’s watching.
So true, with competition come division and inequality, better than and worse than. What an awful mess! And worse still, as a society we keep championing and perpetuating it.
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Thank you Ariana. It would be nice if the word competition was removed from our vocabulary altogether! We just don’t need it.
An interesting read. While I agree with aspect of the article while there are other aspect that I don’t. In the right environment competition for kids can be a good thing. Kids get to feel disappointment on a low level and learn to deal with these emotions. If we shelter kids from failure they are less likely to be able to deal with disappointment as adults. Sport can help provide this learning in a supportive environment with good sportsmanship.
I appreciate your comment Rob, although I’m not sure that kids need to feel disappointed or learn to deal with losing and failure when playing sport. I would like to see sport used for exercise, sharing, fun, not in the way we use it today, i.e. to compete against each other, seeing who is better at it than another – and praising and rewarding them for it. Confidence may be gained from being good at sport, but at what cost to themselves in the long run when they maybe lose their skills, are beaten by someone better again, or at the expense of the other kids that are bettered and therefore fail in another’s eyes. This way of playing sport is far more devastating to kids.
There are always going to be varying levels of people’s sporting prowess (as there is academically, artistically, musically etc.), but I would love to see that the strengths in some, while appreciated, are not heralded as making that person better/more important than another. We all have our own strengths in different areas. In this way, kids/adults do not get their sense of worth from comparing themselves with each other, but rather get to support the development of one another throughout life. This would be the true supportive environment.
Wow I want to be part of that world Suzanne. Just to support each other feels so refreshing rather than the tussle of competition. We all deserve to be supported with our strengths and weaknesses rather than trying to keep up with or be as ‘good’ as another.
This should be presented for all of the world to learn from. I played competitive sport for 25 years, from the age of 9. I became very good and very competitive. But my most lingering memory is when I was six, and participated in my first running race. I came last, and I can remember watching how the winner was swamped by his parents, how the crowd cheered the winner, how everyone went over to congratulate him, how he was given a ribbon. Meanwhile I felt sad and isolated.
Sure, we say that competition encourages self esteem, but self esteem based on what, and self esteem for whom. 10 kids in a race, one develops confidence, the other 9 develop a lack of confidence, and the confidence that the winner develops is forever based on what he does, not who he is inside. No wonder then when that kid finally loses a race, or does not end up achieving olympic gold, he is crushed, not knowing who is is without such achievement. As for the other 9 kids, either they end up spending their life striving to be the best, driven as I was, or they give up on sport and exercise. Either way, neither path leads to true self esteem, which can only be found by knowing and accepting self – as you are – and that is all you need to be.
Thank you Suzanne for this enlightening example that brought back so many memories for me.
Thank you for your reply Adam. We see many ex-athletes suffering after a life of competition as they have nothing to measure themselves against anymore. You’re so right in saying true self esteem can only be found by knowing yourself and accepting that as all that is needed.
This is so accurately and acutely expressed Alan. I was right there with you with every word re-living my childhood experiences, seeing how much competition has been the foundation of how I live my life – even subtly. It has created so much friction in relationships. The freedom of just accepting ourselves as we are is astronomical.
You are so right that there seems to be two common paths tread by the majority of people that aren’t “the best” and don’t win, we either end up striving to be the best or we give up on exercise with a horrible memory of what it means. Neither seem very healthy. What Suzanne described about the children that were unaffected and remained quiet and content within themselves, that seems like a great way to raise children in respect of exercise and sport. It seems far healthier to not be invested in sport but instead just enjoy exercise for the health benefits and connection to our bodies that it brings. For most people I have seen have a smile on their face when exercise is about simple movement, and surely smiles on faces is better than angry faces!
It is very interesting Adam and Suzanne that there seems a further reaction to this losing theme. Many primary schools hand out ribbons or certificates just for participating so everyone gets some form of recognition or opportunity to build self-esteem. I think children know exactly what is going on and are still being taught that we are recognised for what we do not who we are.
I see this everyday in the school system from as early as prep. they are given stickers to put on their sticker chart for being ‘good’ or ribbons for coming 1st in the running race, and I see so many of these children vying for one of those positions to be praised.
Adam that’s so well written. There is so much potential depth to a childs confidence and that depth certainly doesn’t come from winning anything it comes from truly knowing who they are.
Great observations Suzanne to highlight the effects of competition on children. And as we move on through life, those debilitating effects become magnified throughout society unless we have the wisdom to drop the need to compete. After all, without competition, would there be any more wars?
And doesn’t this emphasis on competition then fuel the need for recognition and then more recognition for what we ‘do’ rather than who we ‘be’?
Absolutely Alison, competition requires comparison and can provide the momentary high of being better than someone else and recognition or the disappointment and feeling of not good enough or less than another, fuelling more effort to succeed, overriding the bodies own natural limits.
This is wonderful to read. Your blog beautifully presents the reality of competition and how destructive it is for society and the people living in it.
Thank you deeply for writing this piece.
Thank you Nicole. I couldn’t not write it, it’s too important an issue to observe. 🙂
Great observation and so well described, Suzanne. It nearly seems a given these days that everything, and I mean everything, gets turned into a competition of some kind in the belief that it will make things more interesting and engaging. How come we hold on to this belief when reality and astute observation tell us otherwise?
You’re right Gabriele, pretty much everything gets turned into a competition. From a young age children are encouraged by their parents to race their siblings to put their shoes on, eat breakfast, get dressed etc, usually in the need to hurry and go somewhere. Seemingly innocuous but I wonder, does it affect the children in the long run as they have been trained to be faster, better than another and rewarded for it?
It certainly affected me because I learnt to revel in the recognition and the praise that I would get when I outdid my classmates; another thing that happened was that I became a very fast and proficient reader quite early, but there was certainly no joy in it, just me showing off and feeling better than others.
I recognize that one: almost everything is done either in completion or in comparing to each other: my drawing is much nicer than yours. Brrrr, when I think back of it, it still gives me shivers. This always having to do better, be more than another is only looking outside and forgets the beauty we have inside. It can keep us going for outcomes for the rest of our lives.
Maybe we don’t hold onto it because the transition period is short – the mayhem and all-around pain and hurt when competition is first introduced may not last – a bit like your first coffee or cigarette. Once you get used to the hurtful effects of competition you simply adjust and get on with this much less enjoyable form and after a while you can get addicted to the adrenaline rush.
Yours is an interesting idea Christoph, one that rings true for me. The ability for humans to override what has been first felt is astounding and the more I recognise that fact and see it with my own eyes, the more I see the damage too, that that ‘over-riding’ behaviour leads to.
That’s what I love about young children they react spontaneously and you get to see just what they are feeling without hiding anything. There is none of this adjustment – of playing a role or trying to hide their feelings and I agree Christophe, from shutting down like this is easy to become addicted to the nervous excitation that things like competition induce.
Yes, it’s true Gabriele. In fact, competition dis-engages us from others and makes it about self. Even ‘team’ competition is all about self. This is so clear in your example Suzanne. The natural connection between the children was already present when they were just having fun; but immediately dissipated as soon as competition became the focus.
Agreed Kylie, and anything that makes it about self at the exclusion of others (ie for recognition, lack of self-worth, control etc) means there is already separation from how all of our actions and behaviors affect the all. This is in stark contrast to having our actions come from a ‘connection’ to self ( ie who we truly are or being ourselves) which comes without need or attachment, and therefore is naturally connected to the all.