When I was young I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself. It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.
I remember how I used to listen to a song called ‘The Winner takes it All’ by Abba, after a break-up with a boy. Phil Collins and Lionel Richie would also do the trick in times like these, as long as the song would make me feel even more emotional than I already felt. Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.
Love equals doing and giving?
Love for me has always been a verb, a doing; and that’s what the women around me mainly reflected to me as a child. Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’… and going along with a conversation, even if I wanted to say something different. This showed itself in a constant pleasing, showing sympathy, making time for others and definitely not expressing my truth because this might rock a boat or two. Love for me was about not having arguments or conflicts and keeping the peace, even though a bomb may be lying under the carpet, ready to explode. Most of my life, I have been on a big quest for people to like me.
Love for me, in a relationship, came with quite a lot of expectations. I thought I needed the other person to complete me, as I believed something was missing inside me and I needed a partner to feel better about myself. For a while I was ‘an easy catch’; anything, so long as I wasn’t alone. I was very needy and quite a handful for my partners back then. I had a wild time where I mixed up love and having sex, thinking that the two would go hand in hand.
Love for me was feeling drained after a day at work because I was always helping out colleagues and trying to keep everything in harmony. I hardly ever said no and I was feeling responsible not only for my colleagues but in a way, for the whole of Holland. Love for me was saying yes if someone asked for help, literally dropping everything out of my hands and doing what I perceived was needed.
Love equals ‘being nice’, ‘being liked’?
In my expression I would never speak my truth because I felt it could be perceived as not nice and people might not like me anymore – and I was craving for people to like me. I had this idea that nobody would want to hear my truth, so why make them feel uncomfortable? I felt special and loved because people always liked me and with all the different jobs I have had, I always left with a warm goodbye and I loved the fact that I would be missed.
I have taken pride in the fact that I have rarely had conflicts or arguments in my life and I felt that this was very special. If a situation got ugly I would hold back, not expressing what I actually wanted to say and I would start pleasing and/or pandering. As a family we were always great at hiding issues under the carpet and ignoring what was truly going on: I have played a glorious part in this.
At some point I had this crazy idea that I would find love abroad; so I started travelling, looking around for something, but in fact I was running away from the things I didn’t want to address and deal with. I have tried and done many things, but in the end I was still missing something.
What about Self-Love first?
So then… could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…? Could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life…? Could it be that I AM love and I will always be, no matter what I do? I have to admit, it does feel quite new to me and at times, I can still feel insecure about it, as in – am I enough…? Shouldn’t I be doing something?
Over the last three years I have become aware that self-love has to do with me being all of me, no matter what. I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…
Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me. It’s a tough one for me, but I have also learned that I am in fact NOT responsible for the whole of Holland but only for myself, my choices, my life and how I live my life, in every single moment. Quite a bummer I can tell you, to realise that I don’t have to save anybody… Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.
Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…
I am deeply inspired by the work of Universal Medicine, all the students and all those amazing people around me who reflect to me that I am enough, that I am love.
By Mariette Reineke, Amsterdam, Holland
566 Comments
We are taught from a young age that love is something outside of us, something that can be given and received (as Danielle mentioned, like gifts and praise and affection). What Mariette exposes is so important, love is not something we do, it is a way of being that starts with self-love. If we do not honour how we feel and connect to that love inside us, we are not able to truly love another. Without true love, all we bring is sympathy, pandering and an allowing of other to ignore the truth – definitely no love in that.
How on earth did we ever get loved confused with being nice. Being nice is such a game we all play with each other to avoid being really honest and truthful about how we feel.
I know Vicky, where does this confusion come from? For me it is a biggie so to speak because I come from a background where being nice was and still is a way to be with each other. In my family we were all being nice and this is a hard pattern to break, is my experience. And yes, it is a way to avoid being honest and sharing truth. What being nice brings is a so-called harmony and we are all getting along just fine, but when you take a closer look, there is in fact no true harmony at all. I am learning every day and taking steps to break this pattern and the importance of it, because being nice has nothing to do with evolution and allowing yourself or the other to grow in the true potential that we all are and carry within us.
I love this article, it blow’s out all of the books and discussions on the “Language of Love”. The self help relationship books that says we need to learn people’s language of love, that is what they need to see and hear in order to feel loved, and that this is the key to a successful relationship. This article shows that living this way would only help someone to hide the fact that they don’t feel love for themselves, feel empty and so desperately need to see or receive love from someone else in any form what so ever. For some it’s gifts, for some it’s praise and positive thoughts, for some it is physical contact and affection. All of these things are fine, but if they are to make someone feel better about not loving themselves, then in fact all of these things are harmful. The world would be a much better place if we didn’t play this game, and instead we were ourselves with each other, and if someone doesn’t feel this is enough, and reacts or get’s upset or hurt, then we hold them to account – ask them to go deeper, and consider why do they not feel loved in that moment, why are they not loving themselves.
Great point Danielle, the other day I saw this advert in a newspaper from a dating agency, saying that they will find your true love for you. It showed a photo of two people holding hands and one of them, the man, with a big tattoo on this wrist with the word ‘HOPE”. Now I am not single, but I got such a desperate feeling from the advert, like I was some lost case and all hope was gone if I would not find that ‘special person’. The advert was not inviting and did not give the feeling that hee, you know what, you are just amazing for who you, you are love and you don’t need anything outside of yourself. And then of course we can join an online dating agency and then it would be so different. I feel we put too much pressure on the one special love and then everything in life will be fine. That is not how it is in reality and nobody tells u that we ourselves are our own true love. This is a whole new starting point for a relationship.
I have always believed that love was about doing. When you do something for somebody else It shows how much love you have for the other person. But love is about our being, it is who we are. The most important thing is that I am me, with myself and open, and this is what love is about. If I do something for another from that point, from that being, that is completely different. My love is then in everything I do, from showering to making a meal and to support somebody when they ask for help.
Your comment made me stop Susan, as I had never realised that I had equated love with doing, but as I read your words ‘doing’ stood out for me. Then I realised how often i have made love about what I do, often for another person – when in truth this has nothing to do with real love at all. Just being open, present, committed and being me is way more than enough for true love to be felt. and that starts with myself.
I love how simple and truthful this line is, “Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me”. I know at times I will feel something so clearly from my body but then the questioning will or tries to kick in from my head, which is exhausting. How simple life is when we honour what we feel from our bodies. And we can have fun and be very playful with this.
I can very much relate to it. I have moments as well, that I feel very clearly from my body a signal that for instance I should not eat a certain food, say no to something, or a clear yes (!), or that a certain appointment will not take place, but then my head takes over and I ignore these signals. For me it is a constant learning to listen to my body. And yes, it is very playful. It also has to do with trust, a trust that i know and that my body knows exactly what is loving and supporting and what is not.
Marietta. Wonderful the way you express the love you have for yourself, which then radiates to other people.
I love this blog, I love how you describe what love is for you, Marietta, as it speaks for everyone. thank you.
“Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…”
I agree Jonathan, such a beautiful reminder “Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself.” At times I find myself reaching out looking for love or an answer, and then I’m like, ‘oh, okay come back to me” as I know everything I could possibly be looking for is inside me 🙂 and that feels amazing.
I can so relate to everything you have written on this blog! It has taken me a while to understand too that self love and taking care of oneself is indeed a commitment to love for yourself and for everyone else too. When you take care of yourself you create a loving foundation from which to express from, thereby reflecting love to others without even trying.
Thank you for a gorgeous blog Mariette. I so related to everything in it. I have always been a great pleaser and it has been quite a challenge to learn to say no or to speak truth and hold steady when it makes another feel uncomfortable. A loving work in progress.
It is very much a loving work in progress. I have moments that I find it hard to speak my truth because of the reactions. I have this strong belief that it is important to have harmony the whole time and that we should all be friends. With this, I walk away from truth at times, and it has a big affect on my body, especially on my stomach area. When this goes tight, I know there is something going on and that I need to express..
Beautiful Mariette, ‘that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it.’ I too am learning this, I had always thought love was about being as nice as possible to people, but I’m now realising that this isn’t true and that love is me saying what feels true.
Love your blog Mariette – “love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.” This is so huge, totally kicks out the idea that love is all about other people, instead it is about coming back and loving ourselves through self-care for example.
Great call Jessica and Mariette – “love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional”. We are totally sold the lie that love is emotional in all facets of life, so it’s great to have the truth exposed.
We all have a daily choice, disregard ourselves, or bring our whole being in to an open and honest way of living.
This is a great blog, Mariette. You make so many good points about the different ways we are sold a false image of love that all dis-empower ourselves, making us dependent upon something from outside to make us feel complete and loved. The one that stands out for me on reading the blog this time is, “I needed the other person to complete me”. So rarely are we made to feel enough, there is always something more we need to make our lives fulfilled but as you go on to express so eloquently in the penultimate paragraph we are already complete and do not need anything from outside.
That is so significant for me Mariette, when you say ” I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…”, as I have very rarely been able to express myself this way, always fearing the reaction. It is now very clear to me how that way is so unloving for myself and the other, and how loving it is for us all to speak honestly without the fear and false protection of trying to survive without getting hurt. The truly loving way I don’t get hurt because I am living all of myself, but the other way I build up lots of resentments inside me that will be held in my body and cause me harm. I will also feel bad about myself, whereas, if I express from all the love I am I will appreciate that.
I have found that being polite, nice, knowledgeable or helpful all lead to a feeling of lack within me. Yet there has been this belief that ‘If I keep repeating it this behaviour it will work’ even though every.single.time the result is the same. Thank you for sharing the fact and reminding me that I already know that this repeat doesn’t work. How about I try another, more self-loving method to get a different result?
Love is all around us everyday of our lives. All we need to do is feel it, and grow with it.
Great blog Mariette, I could certainly relate to a lot of what you say, especially being nice, wanting to please and putting others first. Acting in this way I thought I was being a ‘good’ person but in fact I was being dishonest. There is no self-love in any of these and ultimately can be very harming as it only serves to keep us less than others.
Hi Tim,
i love your comment ‘as it serves to keep us less than others’. I have never seen it that way, this is a big learning you give me, thank you. I am very much in the proces of learning and feeling in my body that we are all equal and that nobody is more or less than another. I have this tendency of seeing myself as less which is very harming and dishonest, to me but also to all people around me.
Wow. I read this and see myself! It is completely what I thought love was until recently. If ever someone were asked to describe me, they would say ‘she is very nice’, and I thought I’d won the jackpot. The more I could do for others, the better – at the expense of feeling deeply neglectful of myself. And then I’d punish myself for feeling that way – with whatever I could – through food, exercise, self inflicted pain – you name it. But, like you, I’ve slowly realised how harmful being nice to people is – and not actually saying what is really going on. And that I don’t have to save the world to be appreciated.
Its an ever learning journey, but I can say that the way I live and feel about myself and others these days, is coming more and more from honesty than the need to be liked.
Great point Ariana. The only love story is loving ourselves. I fooled myself for so long with this one! By loving and caring for me more deeply my relationships blossom and become more true and more loving.
Dear Mariette, What you are writing here is so powerful and healing. I can relate so much with what you say. Your first sentence “when I was young I thought love was something that was given to me by others” is something I also could have written. Like you, I felt I was responsible for everyone, including France, and am now learning that I am only responsible for myself and my choices.
“There is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing………I am and will be forever a student of love” Thank you Mariette for this clear and powerful piece of writing.
Ariana I love how you say it.
I had certain parts of the world which were special to me because I had a moment of re-connecting to the love inside. Did I ever consider for a moment that it wasn’t the magical properties of the place or some magical circumstance that all came together, but that IT WAS actually me all along, I just hadn’t realised it? Not at all.
I would spend time trying to re-create these moments, re-visiting certain places to find the allusive love that I longed for. I see myself at that time constantly looking out the front door (and often leaving the building altogether). Meanwhile the love that is inside is like a fire in the hearth waiting for me to return and feel its warmth. Now I no longer jump up at any noise to see who’s at the door and though I haven’t fully sat down and appreciated love’s warmth, I am walking towards it feeling toastier!
There are lots of big ‘ouch’s’ in this for me to relate to. I was often miserable in relationships because I wanted my partner to be a certain way and for our relationship to be a certain way. I can still get caught in this but realise now it is a trap and that I then miss out on appreciating my partner for who he naturally is and allowing the relationship to be natural, instead of putting a pressure and expectations on it. I also realise if I do want the relationship or my partner to be more loving, adoring and supportive then those qualities have to start from me first…
“Love for me has always been a verb, a doing; and that’s what the women around me mainly reflected to me as a child.” How true this is – we look for love in the form of approval for everything we do as children, from bringing home that painting for the ‘That’s beautiful dear’ to getting degrees and great jobs, and yet we are still unhappy inside, why? Because we never learned to appreciate ourselves simply for being who we are. Now we have an opportunity to change that.
Well said Carmel. Changing my appreciation from things I do to who I am is huge… and I appreciate your comment!
Yes, Gill. I agree with you and all the above comments, that we were brought up with thinking that love was a doing and not being. You are right Carmel, we now have the opportunity to change that and to appreciate ourselves for who we are not for what we do.
Great comment Carmel. And it is so easy to then not feel good enough when other people do not appreciate us for what we have done. All the more reason to create that sense of self-worth by appreciating ourselves for who we are.
Gorgeous blog Mariette. A beautiful reminder of how we don’t need to search for love…it is already there within us.
In my early childhood I was shown that to get love I had to give something in return.
In my late teens that became an expectation in relationships with men, I had to give sex to get love.
I have carried this all through my 71 years and I am now discovering in my friendships with men, that I am able speak how I feel about intimacy and love-making. The fear of not being loved has left me…….because I have found love for myself from within – I am love.
Dear Wendy, this is so beautiful and inspiring to read, thank you for sharing. I too can relate to what you share about thinking or using sex to get what I thought was love from men, but merely attention, momentarily filling an emptiness or need in me, and that people may come and go, but the love we are looking for is within us all, and it will never leave. Love is who we all naturally are.
Beautifully put Wendy and Gyl, it feels so gentle and natural when you both express it that way. When I remember the tension that used to grip me around men, because of that feeling I had to perform and give something in order to be loved, (for I did not feel worth it for my own sake!), I realise how impossible it is to have an equal, intimate relationship. When we start to develop an intimate relationship with the love within ourselves that supports us in being Love, then our whole relationship with the world and others changes; and becomes gentle rather than hard and demanding, without expectations or judgments.
Wendy, Gyl and Joan, I deeply enjoyed reading what you have written, and the truth you shared Joan that our relationships with others cease to be hard and demanding as we develop an intimate relationship with the love within ourselves. I know without doubt that when my relationships are off, I must first look at me, and the first question I must ask is ‘how am I feeling?’. Even if I am a little out of sorts one day, I start to perceive the most easy going people as being against me, when this simply cannot be true, what changed first was me, how I was with me and also how I perceived others.
Thank you for your article Mariette, it helped me come back to love today.
This is such a fabulous blog Mariette! I’ve mistaken Love to be all of those ‘doing’ things too. How exhausting trying to please so many people! When I began to realise what real Love is about I felt quite shocked that I had got it so wrong! Self-Love is still an unfolding journey for me, the more I discard the old beliefs, the more I realise that I am enough which feels so liberating. There are so many treasures to be found once we stop looking outside!
I agree Heather and it got me thinking that perhaps many of us give up on love because we feel that the love we think is love is not bringing to us what we feel love actually is.
Hi Mariette, great blog with such a simple message, self love brings you to a love so deep nothing outside of yourself can come close to and something which it would be awesome to see taught in schools. Thank you for such a clear expression of your learning to be love.
Awesome blog Mariette, very beautiful! It’s a good reflection for me to ponder on. I am going that way and the journey is amazing but what a change to what I was taught as a young boy and those ideas and believes I was still carrying with me not so long ago!
This is so great, Mariette, and it resonates deeply with me, as I too was a person that looked for love just about everywhere other than from inside myself. It has been such a joy to rediscover that I am actually an eternal source of Love, and that when I direct that Love towards myself and fill myself up with it, I am then able to truly love those around me – family, friends, colleagues etc. And this of course leads to them reflecting Love back to me, and it just grows and gains in momentum. But it all starts with that one, big paradigm shift: that we are to Love ourselves first and foremost before we can truly accept Love from and express Love towards another. A simple step – but one which flies in the face of convention and the current societal set-up.
So true Conor. Loving ourselves can change the world, that is a big one, what a revelation and so simple too!
Awesome blog. Thank you Mariette. I got the T-shirt on what you’ve written. I love the line, “absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing,” because sometimes I mess around with the fact of the absoluteness of this. Your next line says I have no need to mess around, “In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am.” Thank you.
Love it <3
Love is…”about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.” This is such an important statement – one that should be taught from birth! Imagine the world if we all knew this to be true. There would be no comparison, no judgement, no resentment…the list goes on. How amazing to know that for yourself and be able to honour that in every moment.
I love the joy you feel as you describe rediscovering yourself as Love. I am discovering and learning this too and that it’s like any relationship, taking step by step getting to know more of the fullness of me and how it feels to be with myself in this way. Some times it’s easy to focus on this and sometimes it’s easier to forget! But the more I build that loving relationship, the easier it is to come back to it whenever I lose sight of me.
I just read your blog again Mariette – a timely reminder as to what self love is. I for one really need to stop relying on everything outside of me for love, acceptance, recognition etc etc etc and from what I hear it all starts with self love. I am honing in on the fact that all I need to do is to listen to my bodies feelings, and actually act on them. Here’s to starting from now!
This is a very poignant blog I can relate to and although I live much more self-lovingly than I did a few years ago, I know up until now I have still been searching. There’s always a feeling that there’s something else, but that something else may be more the Love inside of us that Mariette describes?
That’s beauty-full Michelle. I can relate to “the delicious, round, cheeky, beautiful, squidgy, loving, affectionate, open, trusting, joyful, glorious little girl that I was – that is still with me”.
I can so relate to what you have written. I was deeply unhappy for years as a child, teenager and young adult because I was searching for love outside of myself and never found it. I tried like you to please, be there for others, take on their stuff, sympathise, not claim what I wanted or articulate what I truly felt. I didn’t figure that what I most craved was there inside me all along! That in my connection to myself I had everything I ever needed.
As I am writing I can feel the delicious, round, cheeky, beautiful, squidgy, loving, affectionate, open, trusting, joyful, glorious little girl that I was – that is still with me – making me smile! All I had to do was connect to this and express from there….
Not letting what is so naturally there and waiting to be expressed out, does drain and hurts, but when we do there is such a huge expansion, and JOY to be felt and shared and an absolute love for self and all of humanity.
Beautifully said Gyl – and so true. The expansion I feel when I do express how I feel without sensoring or over-riding feels wonderful
Same here Michelle, I think we were on the same boat!
Thank you all for the amazing comments. It’s the same for me, every day is a new day and every day I can make the choice to connect to myself and to express from love. Every moment I have this choice. And yes, it can be firm at times but love and truth go hand in hand. It’s a challenge sometimes, but definitely a challenge worth taking :-).
Beautifully said Mariette and if we consider every day as a new beginning and live in the appreciation of all that has past has brought us to where we are today it allows us to let go of yesterday so much easier.
How awesome does that feel ” I am enjoying falling in love with myself all over again” what a joy it is to feel – thank you Mary
Totally Ariana, it is really that simple.
Thank you Mariette I love reading your article again and again – everyday would be great 🙂
Confirming the amazing love we are on the inside and not to look on the outside which is a trick that we can all fall for and that keeps being reinforced from the world as though it is there somewhere and so it has us constantly looking.
I like your words, Phill…. very true!
Awesome blog Mariette, I love re-reading this one as it reminds me to come back and feel where I am expressing from. Everyone on earth needs to hear that it is ok to be love… again and again. Let your inside shine out, and your outside will reflect in.
So true Phil everyone on earth does need to know it’s okay to be love
Thank you Phill 🙂
I am coming to realise love and nice don’t have anything in common. Love can be firm and it might not always be what we want to hear. Love can often be expressed as NO as you so beautifully express Mariette. How wonderful it is to be a forever deepening and connecting student of the livingness, gifted the tools to live in love with truth and honesty.
So true Stephen and how wonderful it is to feel that Love can be firm and as you say it might not always be what we want to hear, and can be expressed as a no, but in the end it is love that calls us back to who truly are.
Well said Gyl, in the end it is love that calls us back to who we truly are. Love it!
Coming to realise the futility of desperately searching everywhere for love only to find it was, and always had been, within me was shocking and liberating. Choosing to live that fact is the every moment commitment to be in full relationship with myself (and therefore life and everyone else) and it changes everything. Thank you, Mariette, for your honesty and openness and to Universal Medicine for endless, consistent support.
Thank you Matilda for expressing this, very inspiring to read your comment. The support from Universal Medicine, Serge Benhayon and these deeply inspiring blogs and comments is incredible. There is no other site on the internet that offers the magic I find reading the articles, blogs and comments on these sites.
Hear, hear David
I felt the same Matilda, although startling, it was very liberating to know that the search to get love from others was over. Knowing that I can’t truly love another until I truly loved myself was a big revelation and started me on my journey of self-love. As you say, committing to ourselves in this way is a huge responsibility but one that is worth taking on.
Dear Mariette, thank you for such a beautiful writing about love and about searching for it and finding it all comes from within oneself, nothing on the outside and not from being nice or doing good. Simple and clear it is all within us. Love starts with oneself and self love and this leads to love in all and everything. I can relate to all you feel and write and love how you express. So true .
A great expose on our misconceptions about what love is, Mariette, summed up for me by, ‘It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.’ So profoundly simple. Thanks for capturing it so beautifully.
We all seek to look outside of ourselves – to search for love, for the one. We fill ourselves with actions, distractions to not feel the emptiness. Yet it’s all there within us, laying dormant, not connected to. How simple if we all knew that.
Beautifully expressed Mary.
Beautiful Mariette, thank you for your open and honest sharing – I too sought that completion in a relationship, and mistook sexual desire for love. What a turn around to now be feeling so complete within one’s self. True inspiration!
I love what you share here Rowena, “to now be feeling so complete within one’s self, true inspiration!” yes it is
“The love story is me loving me more each day” – that concept is so radical in our world, and yet so so beautiful. Imagine if that were taught and practised in schools and through teenage years. Wow, how would that be?
Thanks Mariette, I can really relate to what you have written, especially about not saying what felt true to say because you wanted people to like you and didnt want to rock the boat or cause an argument. As a child I used to say what I felt and would say if something didn’t feel right, but because this caused a lot of reactions and arguments I withdrew and stopped saying what was true and instead become very quiet with people. I’m re-learning to say what I feel and not be scared of peoples reactions and I’m feeling more confident in myself as a result.
Thank you for sharing this Rebecca, we can so often withdraw and not express how we feel in worry or fear of another’s reaction or even at feeling the greatness and power we know is innately inside us all.
Same here Rebecca, spot on!
I know this Rebecca. As a child and young adult I would express very freely and really say it as it was. There was indeed a great power in this. I learned to water this down as I observed that this was it how the world operated. I am Reclaiming this power once again returning step by step to the real me.
Wow, awesome blog Mariette. Thank you for sharing how self-love might actually be the greatest love affair of all!
Thanks Mariette having spent a lifetime looking for love outside of myself I love how you write ‘It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing’. I am now on a journey of self-love which is expanding every day and feels amazing.
Hi Mariette
Since reading your blog I have heard “love” songs at work which have reminded me of how I used to go into the poor me victim mode and make myself feel worse and worse after a relationship break up. Thanks for a great blog showing a different way.
There is a lot said in this blog that makes a lot of sense to me. For me communication is the key to opening up in relationships which I am not now always very good at. Sometimes the truth has got to be heard before things get too ugly, right?
I feel that what you have said Rhiannon is complete wisdom. And my own experience of not speaking up is an ongoing development for me. I find the more connected I feel to myself the easier it becomes.
Beautifully expressed Michelle.
I have to agree Rhiannon, communication is the key to opening up a relationship it offers limitless opportunities to grow and evolve and creates so much space and freedom to be. I have found that if I hold onto something small, maybe a feeling or something i have reacted to, it feels awful in my body to not express it, no matter how yucky or ugly you may think or feel it to be, but if approached with absolute honesty and the willing to nominate stuff that you know is not you and does not feel true, allows a platform for whatever it is to be let go of, much better than holding on to something for fear of how another may take it, as you say so often that’s when these tiny things that really aren’t a big deal or issue, can grow hooks and bury themselves in deeper to become something much more ugly. I have found just simply expressing how I feel and being honest, even in so much as saying I know this feels / sounds awful but I feel it’s important to share so it can’t become something bigger, creates SO much freedom and space, and it’s as if as soon as this so called issue is expressed out loud it has no where to hide anymore, it can’t get its foot in the door and that’s when it goes away.
This is a blockbuster, better than Bridget Jones and all those so called Love Songs! Lionel Richie did it for me! Your blog is awesome, it hits the spot! I have read it several times and each time I resonate with it in a deeper way. Profound words of wisdom, thank you Mariette, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
Ariana, I love how you write too, always straight to the point and with humour too! Yes, I have been there, done that, bought the tee shirt, looking for love around every corner, always hoping to find true love outside of me when it’s been inside ME all the time, ever waiting patiently. And a BIG thank-you to Serge Benhayon for reflecting that love back to me.
Thank you Mariette for your expose. You certainly speak to me as one who has fallen for believing I could give love without truly loving myself. I have been getting by (quite miserably) on the “be helpful/be nice” way, thinking I was being loving. As another commenter said, “it will never be that way”. I am still working hard on transforming my dishonest/nice ways to Truth-full loving ways. I see and feel more and more how I need to feel and be loving in myself first for my acts to carry true love in them!
Wow – beautifully said. I agree – there is nothing like the feeling when you realise everything you’ve been looking for and searching for is inside you – incredible.
Meg that simply made me smile “there is nothing like the feeling when you realise everything you’ve been looking for and searching for is inside you – so true.
Beautiful Mariette that you connected to the love that you are. I also went looking for love and thought that love was meeting a man and receiving love from him and me giving love back to him, but whenever I met a man something went wrong and this “love” felt needy or emotional – I never felt consistently confident, joyful or really myself. As I began attending Universal Medicine workshops I realised that I can love myself and be in my fullness, joyful and confident and feeling beautiful and that this comes from me, not from outside of me.
So true Rebecca, everything in our world, all the fairy tales we are raised with say look for love outside, that we have to find our princes and princesses before we are complete. I too sought love in men, only to find that this left gaping holes in my confidence and self esteem. What a revelation to discover Universal Medicine and understand how to build a truly loving relationship. Its a work in progress and I am enjoying every day of it – developing my own relationship with me, that then overflows onto other people.
This article speaks so loudly and clearly. Tonight I found the sentence, “Love for me was about not having arguments or conflicts and keeping the peace, even though a bomb may be lying under the carpet, ready to explode.” I wonder how many homes have carpets with bombs under them – plenty I suspect. I have sure lived with them. But this blog shows how it doesn’t have to be that way.
I love and relate to everything that has been expressed in this article. Beautiful, Thank you Mariette.
Ariana, I had the same idea that I would find love abroad, so off I went leaving a relationship behind, as I was so sure my love was on the other side of the world. Sure I found a relationship after 7 months, but that was never true, it was just me fitting in, I could see myself getting lost in pleasing and saying yes. Just like everyone, looking for love outside of me. Two years later I had enough. I hated my job and was trapped in a relationship which was not true. I returned back home, and a few months later had the strength to end the relationship. Through the love and support of Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine, I realised that love was always within me and I never need to look outside, I just need to stop, feel my stillness and connect to that love within me. Allowing me to build a deeper relationship with myself and my connection to love.
Beautiful blog Mariette. Thank you for sharing and good to read this now as I keep having to catch myself as I fall into romantic ideals. One thing that keeps pulling me out is the connection to my body. The warmth I feel within when I reconnect is beautiful compared to the emptiness of the romantic ideal. Feeling the difference helps me to feel what is True Love and what is not.
Your “Love starts with me, and how I self-love.” Kind of says it all. Thank you Mariette.
Well said Steve – a far contrast from what I thought before Universal Medicine opened my eyes to another possibility and a way of living that comes naturally if I simply allow.
It never occurred to me either Mariette, that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love. I thought love was all the things, that you so beautifully clearly hightlighted, it is not. It also wasn’t until I started to attend Universal Medicine presentations that I felt inspired to feel the truth that love is.
Great blog Mariette – so much of it resonates. Yes the endless seeking outside of oneself for love is a futile quest – but one that keeps us on a merry go round for a long long time!
I whole heartedly agree Fiona, how many of us, I know I for one, have fallen for one or all of the above, emotion, doing good, and sympathy, when in truth love is absolutely none of these, but in fact simply a way of living and being that expresses and is equally with all others, it feels so light and freeing.
Love it ‘love is inside out, not outside in’. Thanks Ariana and Mariette for the inspiration.
A lovely blog and beautifully written and expressed.
Hear hear Mariette, you have hit the nail on the head here. As a society we have got so lost in the misinterpretation of what actually is. Humanity seems to be under all sorts of illusions when it comes to the true meaning of this world. I like you have spent many years looking for love outside and have learnt that it will never ever work like that. Love is being able to feel what is true in us first and then to see that equally in another.
Thank you for your sharing.
‘Love is being able to feel what is true in us first and then to see that equally in another.’ Well said Samantha – we cannot feel Love with another if we cannot Be Love within ourselves.
Thank you Mariette, what a lovely article to read. It’s so simple and so strong yet something I time and time fall for which is the doing of showing love. Over the years I’ve refused to want to love myself, thinking, insisting and demanding that others do. It is very inspiring the changes that you’ve made with the great reflections of Universal Medicine.
It is very touching reading this and I will take the following words you wrote deeply “Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.”
So true Ariana, it never occurred to me either! What fun it is to be learning to live from love inside out and not outside in.
Yep that is exactly it Ariana and Mary, – living love from inside out – wonderfully expressed like that, thank you.
Yes, it can be such fun Mary and Ariana, learning to love yourself from the inside out… and you don’t have to rely on anyone else but yourself! We can give ourselves as much love as we like with no restrictions whatsoever, we are limitless!
Living from the inside out continually shows me how just when we thought it felt amazing – there is even more. A constant discovery of our own limitless love. Now that is fun.
Great that you say that Vicky, it is fun. When things get too serious and complex, it is for me a sign that I am not with myself anymore, And yes, there is always more, more to discover, to learn, to grow and to blossom.
This is a gorgeous piece Mariette. It reveals so many of the illusions that we carry around and play out when it comes to love. Thank you for lifting the curtain and exposing the magician!
Mariette, You are enough, I am enough – we are all enough just being us.
Thank you Natalie for this beautiful, timely reminder that I am enough; that is “we are all enough just being us.”
Dear Mariette, thank you for expressing with such clarity and truth what I have absolutely no doubt many of us will have believed or possibly still do for that matter, that love is something outside of us that we find in another – but this is so far from the truth. Isn’t it amazing the lengths and breadths we go to searching for love when really the greatest love of all is inside us. “Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself.”
I agree Gyl. Its totally fascinating how much time and effort we all put into the search for the elusive illusion that love lies outside of ourselves when there is a bottomless well of love within just waiting to be expressed.
Thank you Mariette; it’s wonderful to know that we are not alone. Your music reminds me of Bridget Jones; and the depths of despair that we have all shared when we have invested in outcomes beyond our control! I am just learning the Livingness and am finding you all so lovingly supportive. Thank you.
Hi Maggie, I love that you mention Bridget Jones and the despair……. so much control indeed in how love should be, relationships, what we expect from others etc. We are all learning the livingness, every day, it is such a beautiful unfoldment and I am learning every day. (:
Hi Maggie, makes me think about all the so called love songs that is written. They’re usually quite depressing aren’t they so they shouldn’t be called love songs. Perhaps ‘I miss true love’ is a more appropriate name for them…
Haha. Yes, this is true Matts. They are not true love songs at all, but keep us hooked into the merry-go-round of seeking emotional love.
There is no way you can wallow in a true love song – like one by Glorious Music for example, it instantly lifts you up and inspires you to feel the enormity of love within you.
Thanks Mariette, a very clear summary of what is and is not love. Sometimes it’s too earth shatteringly simple to comprehend that all love is, is stillness, in motion, allowing you to feel the needs of your body to enable you to respond lovingly i.e. to honour your feelings. You made me laugh at with the love songs… How utterly crazy to purposely put on music you know is going to make you cry your heart out that bit harder – I did this repeatedly my whole life up until a few years ago! Thank goodness for Glorious Music, there’s no depressing, cry-a-thon stimulating music to be heard with that beautiful band!
Hear hear for Glorious Music Rachel, true music that does not entice, affect or allow us to emotionally absorb all that it is – but music with absolute power, clarity, truth and love sent straight from heaven!
So true, and absolutely crazy that most of us in the world have used music to keep us MORE miserable!! So true also that Glorious Music is paving the way to show that music can be beautiful, true and life-affirming without the depths of emotion and misery.
I can relate to what you say about music and dvd’s to wallow in emotion.. which I did in the past. Food though is still something I use to numb myself from not wanting to feel…. I am finding it a tricky one to crack!
This tells the story of so many of us. Thanks for so beautifully putting it down in words.
Yes it does Kevin. I know it speaks for me for sure and yes, for many others. And so beautifully. It is super cool to realise there is another way to love and that self-love is the answer.
I love the reference to the songs – it’s so true – I could name a plethora of emotionally bound songs yet until recently very few about true love. It’s what we’re brought up on and then what we continue to tap into at any given moment. Thank you to Michael Benhayon, Emmalee Benhayon and Miranda Benhayon in particular for presenting us with something else.
Can you imagine how the world would be if every child was lovingly introduced to this blog, and supported to know its truth?
Wow, what a beautiful world that would be Catherine, a world, perhaps, that would be much more in harmony with the rest of the universe.
“When I was young I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself. It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.”
This is wonderful Mariette, a great opening paragraph. Such a treat to feel an expression of such truth and the love with which you write is there for all to feel. A true inspiration, thank you.
Very true Beverley, you have expressed this very simply and clearly. We are all in need of building our own relationship with ourselves so to know that we do not need others or anything, just a deep continuous connection with our own bodies. This article highlights that life is in fact very simple and easy.
Hi Amina so very true, if we do not have this relationship with self it is far too easy to get thrown and knocked by what’s going on outside of us (stress, drama etc), believing it to be us or in us, whereas as you say life indeed is in-fact very simple and ease-y. It is only building this deep and loving connection and relationship with self that then builds that absolute knowing and steady foundation from which we can feel the truth that we do not in fact need any thing or other, yes we can choose be with others or another, but we do not need them to make us complete.
I completely agree with what you guys have said. Very true indeed.
Spot on Gyl.
What a powerful blog and I love what you share here Ariana. I too was looking for love everywhere, except myself, the one place I couldn’t look at that time because I simply didn’t love myself. It was only too when I started to build a relationship with myself and see that I was worth loving, that there was something deeper within me that was worth nurturing that I began to blossom and grow into the woman I am today. The love for humanity has always been there but now I have a deeper love that starts with myself first and then grows from within and touches everyone in my life.
A power-full sharing Mariette, thank you so much.
Wow, I love this blog, thank you Mariette. I am going to read it, and read it, and read it….
Inspiring article, Mariette, thank you, especially the reminder that ‘we are enough’.
I totally agree Carmel well said.
Brilliant, Mariette. Another gorgeous opportunity to claim and live the truth that love is, and always has been, within us, not something to be sought. Living that, we serve everyone by reflection.
I really enjoyed your blog about what true love is. I used to also think it was something to be gained from outside of myself and was so needy and clingy for others to love me… (not very great for friends and family around me!). It’s been quite a revelation to find that all the love I was seeking was right inside me all along and the amazingness of not needing others to fill me up. I now have a fullness and completeness of being myself.
I also resonate with what you wrote about thinking love needed me to be ‘nice’ or say ‘yes’ to others all the time. I realise love is also saying ‘no’ and nominating what is true and like you am learning to handle that especially when, as you express, a few boats gets rocked. The power of holding steady without reaction is just beginning to develop.
I love what you state above about ‘being nice’ Rachel. Having identified this tendency in me a while back it is still very much a work in progress. And yes it definitely makes waves when Mr or Ms Nice starts to not just ‘go along’ any longer. And this is great, an opportunity to keep connected and just be with what feels true. These points of evolution are so full of grace.
Beautiful how you call them points of evolution. yes, quite some boats get rocked now and then and for me as well, it is very much work in progress and just stay with it, no go into reaction myself and stay open to whatever goes on in front of me. One moment that goes very well, the other moment it doesn’t…..and that is ok too.
Thank you for sharing your insights about love and self love. I find this is an area that I can visit again and again and always go deeper in my understanding and expression. Much appreciated.
Thank you Mariette for this wonderful blog. I can relate to so much of what you share here. I love how you express the beautiful simplicity in how to simply come back and connect to yourself when you feel you are missing something. Indeed we are missing the love and connection to our own selves. Thank you for the beautiful reminder.
Thank you Mariette for this very honest article. It rings so many bells for the way I have always been, especially making everything ‘ok’ for everyone else without an iota of self-love for me.
Wise words from a beautiful woman reflecting true love, thank you!
A beautiful expression of returning to the love within. Thank you Mariette for your honesty and clarity in your glorious blog. It mirrors so much of my own previous way of living and seeking love from the outside. Attending the presentations by Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine over the past few years has supported me to choose how to live from the love waiting patiently within for me to reclaim, reflect and express – yes indeed…. letting go of being responsible for the world, wanting recognition or approval from it and now rocking a few boats as I trust what my body is feeling and showing me and expressing truth from this connection.
Really awesome Stephanie, so true that the love is always there, waiting for us to claim and live it.
I have fallen into that trap of desperately wanting some one and something outside to make me feel loved and appreciated. Learning to bring the love and appreciation to myself now thanks to the amazing presentations by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I can still feel low at times but when I’m not caught in blaming others and I feel that love in myself, there is nothing that can get me down. The more I appreciate myself the more I appreciate the beauty in others. Love starts with self and it’s simple and spreads like fire.
“The more I appreciate myself the more I appreciate the beauty in others”, that’s awesome Laura, and I love your honesty when you say you still feel low sometimes, I do too, but how truly wonderful it is to have Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine present to us a way to re-connect back to the love and appreciation of ourselves. For me, this is the only true way. And yes, you are right, it does spread like fire.
This is a beautiful expression Mariette, and one that I can totally relate to. I also have spent my life looking for love outside of myself, but with the support of Serge Benhayon, his family, Universal Medicine, and the student body, I realise that true love is inside of me and it is a simple choice to re-connect to that love in every moment, thank you.
Absolutely agree. The truth is so simple.
Yes, so simple Mary, and having the realisation of this is like a heavy burden being lifted – knowing that we are love on the inside, it then puts a stop to the endless search for love outside of ourselves – it’s so liberating.
Yes, knowing we are love, living we are love, appreciating we are love, expressing our love (our self) in full.
Not bad.
It does feel liberating Sandra that we finally discovered where we can find love that is everlasting.
Thank you Mariette for this awesome blog. I can totally relate to what you describe. As you, I have learned – inspired by the presentations and workshops of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine – that I first have to learn to love myself again to be able to love others. As long as I don´t love myself I will be always in the need of someone giving me ‘the missing piece’. A relationship based on that is not about love at all but is an arrangement. The more I love and accept myself the more I love and accept people. And that makes life really enjoyable again.
Beautifully expressed Jane, thank you….what you shared is my story too.
So true Jane
Hear hear Jane – I’m with you on this one, I too have searched high and low in everything outside of me looking for love (at that time I didn’t know what it was, and it wasn’t until I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine that I found the truth that I was searching for myself, what was inside of me all along. And the relationship we have and grow and deepen with ourselves on a daily basis is amazing, when we are with ourselves there is no looking outside for love again, yes there may be little moments, but we know we have simply dis-connected from that innate love-liness we all are, and it’s just a simple step to come back. When we are connected and have this beautiful relationship with self, we can’t help but feel equally love for all others no matter what they choose.
I agree Jane, it’s amazing that the missing link is so simple yet so easy to ignore or not see… and when you said this it dawned on me, of course! it is quite probable that because we have no relationship with ourselves, we don’t even consider that we, little me, could be THE link, THE ‘something’ we’re missing. And so it stays hiding… what a well kept secret you’ve revealed Mariette!
Indeed Jane, all that searching for decades and realising that it is all in our back pockets and I can so relate.
Yes Jane, it is amazing how far and wide we go searching outside of ourselves and yet all along we were right there – and whats more is our self love is so much more than the love we were searching for.
Jane that is beautiful and funny in a way that we have spent so much time searching for love when all we needed to do is reconnect back to ourselves and it’s there. It is like finding the hidden toy so we are able to play again.
So well said Jane. I have also found that ending the search has not just brought great relief but also incredible joy. Universal Medicine has given me the tools to live the love that I am in the world and for this I am deeply appreciative.
“… and when I found me, I realised it was me who I missed the most.” This is so true and what I have come to realise too… nothing hurts me more than when I have disconnected from myself. “The more I deepen my relationship with myself, and care for myself, the more I love being in the world, and love being with others.” Beautiful.
Mariette, I like the clarity that your article has brought to understand the difference between emotional love and love that is based on a foundation of self-love.
As a ‘bloke’, I found that the concept of self love took some getting used to, until I realised it was simply a matter of taking care of myself. By doing so I found I could be more open and loving to others. Yet if I disrespect myself, I find the focus goes back onto ‘me’ and the quality of my love diminishes… and that does not feel comfortable.
Yes Rod, great point. It is wonderful when this penny finally drops – that by caring for yourself you are able to be more spacious and open with others, but if you disregard yourself it all then becomes about you and the hurt you are feeling, and so you separate from everyone. Simple wisdom for everyone.
So true Janet
I absolutely agree Rod and Janet. It’s taking a quantum leap for my mind to get it but the repercussions in my life and on others when I disregard are enough evidence to tell me that this is the truth.
I love this line Janet, “that by caring for yourself you are able to be more spacious and open with others”, just an absolute lived fact.
I love that Janet – ‘simple wisdom for everyone”
Simple wisdom indeed Janet! I am experiencing this for myself on a daily basis – the choice is always there to care more deeply for myself or go into disregard – it is painful going back into disregard – choosing to be more open with others feels so harmonious within.
I so relate to what you share here Stephanie, I also experience this daily – how does it feel when I am loving and caring for myself and how joy-full it then is with others, as to when I am in disregard, and how yucky that feels, especially the reflection that then comes back – to truly get it …
By holding back our truth from another we don’t give the relationships we are building to be based on quality of love. Pandering and pleasing feels limited; openness and sharing without perfection feels limitless.
What you say here Janet is so categorically opposite to everything that we learn, and everything that we see, that it makes me wonder how come we got things so wrong, especially when the truth is so much easier to live with.
We get things so wrong because when we realise that we are love and start to shine we attract the force of jealousy and we put a higher value on not attracting jealousy than shining. Hence we rather not realise that we are love or, if we do, we still won’t shine.
I love what you write here Mary, I am no longer a door mat of life but a very powerful woman. It is our choice indeed to take our space and be who we are. And yes, when we shine we can get reactions like jealousy, but like you, I am also learning to deal with that. For me always letting people in is key and this a beautiful daily practice.
I love this Janet. How you describe disregard and how much self is involved in this. A penny dropped while reading your words. I know for myself in recent years that I have indeed become much more open and spacious in terms of letting people in and letting myself be seen. A letting go of hurts and self. A work in progress for me but your words are indeed a simple truth for everyone.
So simple and beautiful.
I love your succinct summary Janet – simple wisdom but worth repeating.
That’s lovely Janet, simple wisdom for everyone.
It’s a shame that some feel that making self loving choices and putting ourselves first is selfish, but how can it be selfish, if we truly love ourselves first, we then naturally love others more, so no one loses out, we ALL become more open and spacious.
Sandra this sounds like a great deal as it’s a win win situation for everyone.
Self care equals a spaciousness that allow us to really accept others as well. The focus on self holds the world out… I love how a simple sentence holds such liberation when truly understood.
Great points Rod and Janet thank you both. The trick on the disregard; we get the double whammy to us and the reflection goes to others…disregards bouncing all over the place. No wonder it feels so yuk!
Very well said Janet. It makes sense, that we then become Individual instead of letting people in and being Universal.
Wise comment, Janet. The self-care we have for our bodies gives us the quality of thoughts we have about ourselves and can make the difference between, like Mariette described, feeling lack of self-worth and being needy for appreciation or having a relationship with yourself and share the love you are with others.
‘if you disregard yourself it all then becomes about you and the hurt you are feeling, and so you separate from everyone’ Beautiful Janet.
I love what you have written here Janet. When I make it about me, it becomes all about me! And I cut off from the world. And then it becomes less because I do this. But the more I can and appreciate me, the more open I am. Simple yes.
Oh gosh, doesn’t that dynamic play out a lot across the world. Well said Janet.
it does not feel comfortable at all I agree…in fact I notice how it feels so uncomfortable that I actively seek out ways to avoid feeling that discomfort which can drive me deeper into it…the reality is and looking at your comment and this blog that If I just stopped running and felt and honoured that feeling in the first place it is likely it wouldn’t be such a distraction in the first place…
Very true Rod, men and self love need a steady hand on the tiller while they are being introduced. Once the expansion of self care is felt in how you relate and ‘be’ with others then there truly is no going back.
I love how you describe what gets in the way of true love Mariette – thank you.
So do I. Love is not a doing. Love just is.
Me too Adrienne. Love is not a verb but a way of being that is in us from the day we were born. Its precious and unwavering ,the power of that is huge.
I love this too – yes, it is a way of being rather than doing. One can’t do ‘love’ – it is an ‘is’ – being love.
Nothing feels more amazing than being love.