When I was young I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself. It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.
I remember how I used to listen to a song called ‘The Winner takes it All’ by Abba, after a break-up with a boy. Phil Collins and Lionel Richie would also do the trick in times like these, as long as the song would make me feel even more emotional than I already felt. Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.
Love equals doing and giving?
Love for me has always been a verb, a doing; and that’s what the women around me mainly reflected to me as a child. Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’… and going along with a conversation, even if I wanted to say something different. This showed itself in a constant pleasing, showing sympathy, making time for others and definitely not expressing my truth because this might rock a boat or two. Love for me was about not having arguments or conflicts and keeping the peace, even though a bomb may be lying under the carpet, ready to explode. Most of my life, I have been on a big quest for people to like me.
Love for me, in a relationship, came with quite a lot of expectations. I thought I needed the other person to complete me, as I believed something was missing inside me and I needed a partner to feel better about myself. For a while I was ‘an easy catch’; anything, so long as I wasn’t alone. I was very needy and quite a handful for my partners back then. I had a wild time where I mixed up love and having sex, thinking that the two would go hand in hand.
Love for me was feeling drained after a day at work because I was always helping out colleagues and trying to keep everything in harmony. I hardly ever said no and I was feeling responsible not only for my colleagues but in a way, for the whole of Holland. Love for me was saying yes if someone asked for help, literally dropping everything out of my hands and doing what I perceived was needed.
Love equals ‘being nice’, ‘being liked’?
In my expression I would never speak my truth because I felt it could be perceived as not nice and people might not like me anymore – and I was craving for people to like me. I had this idea that nobody would want to hear my truth, so why make them feel uncomfortable? I felt special and loved because people always liked me and with all the different jobs I have had, I always left with a warm goodbye and I loved the fact that I would be missed.
I have taken pride in the fact that I have rarely had conflicts or arguments in my life and I felt that this was very special. If a situation got ugly I would hold back, not expressing what I actually wanted to say and I would start pleasing and/or pandering. As a family we were always great at hiding issues under the carpet and ignoring what was truly going on: I have played a glorious part in this.
At some point I had this crazy idea that I would find love abroad; so I started travelling, looking around for something, but in fact I was running away from the things I didn’t want to address and deal with. I have tried and done many things, but in the end I was still missing something.
What about Self-Love first?
So then… could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…? Could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life…? Could it be that I AM love and I will always be, no matter what I do? I have to admit, it does feel quite new to me and at times, I can still feel insecure about it, as in – am I enough…? Shouldn’t I be doing something?
Over the last three years I have become aware that self-love has to do with me being all of me, no matter what. I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…
Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me. It’s a tough one for me, but I have also learned that I am in fact NOT responsible for the whole of Holland but only for myself, my choices, my life and how I live my life, in every single moment. Quite a bummer I can tell you, to realise that I don’t have to save anybody… Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.
Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…
I am deeply inspired by the work of Universal Medicine, all the students and all those amazing people around me who reflect to me that I am enough, that I am love.
By Mariette Reineke, Amsterdam, Holland
566 Comments
Mariette beautiful sharing . I looked outside myself for love most of my life, and it took me awhile to realise (through the teachings of Serge Benhayon) that Love is already within. I thought I needed to be everything to everyone without really considering my own needs most of the time. I also love the comment that there is “nothing to miss” how can there be when everything, (Love) is within us.
Oh yes, those needs, I used to be great to pretend that I had no needs at all, always putting other people’s needs first. The reward I got for that was being liked. Being liked however has nothing to do with love, nor does not listening to your own needs.
Great post Mariette with the simple note that love in its truth, is not a VERB (!) How often do we fall for this definition. I certainly have in the past, and today with joy feel instead the full meaning of Love which surrounds and encapsulates to behold. It is so spacious, and have learned that this spaciousness comes from the developing the complete ease within oneself through the ability to self-love and love as we are, and as you share too.
Your affirming line here so spot-on Mariette, I loved reading this: “It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing”. Agreed.
What you said about being nice, pleasing and not rocking the boat with people I can really relate to Mariette. I have equated these things to being liked and loved by people, and yet there are times in my life when people have been very firm with me and I have felt their love.
Yes, love has everything to do with ourselves. I find it quite a journey to take out all the things that are not love, as I have lived so long in the illusion that love was outside of me. It is a beautiful yet sometimes confronting journey, but worth every part of it. I am learning every day about love, and mostly what it is not.
Hello Mariette, this is what I thought love was as well “Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’…” It had nothing to do with me and how I felt it was all about ‘getting or doing something’. What a difference it is now and that love has everything to do with me, how I feel about things and as you say, “Love starts with me, and how I self-love” Thank you Mariette and Universal Medicine.
We are so used to getting feedback from others about who we are, and playing to it from niceness and saying yes. This is a great point to reaffirm, that it is an outer trying that does not allow ourselves to simply be and offer space to others to do likewise. Serge Benhayon has brought the ancient wisdom into modern times, how to connect to the true place inside for us to allow that space from a place of openness and harmony.
We are getting feedback constantly about who we are, but most of this feedback and reflection is not who we are, but who we are not. Indeed Simon, thanks to Serge Benhayon we are getting reflected who we truly are and how to connect to that true place inside, knowing that we are all love. There is no need to search, everything is there, it is who we are.
“Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.” when I read this line it completely summed up exactly what love is NOT like however, in society it’s exactly what love is thought to be like. Great blog Mariette
Very true Anna, society is reflecting to us that love is emotional, being nice and doing good. It is reflecting to us that love is not about truth, that we should first take care of others and that we first have to do something, before we are loved. It seems like we have lost our way in what love truly means. I can only say how beautiful it is to have found my way back to what love truly is, thanks to Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon.
Yes, when I used to support people, I came with so much sympathy and feeling all great because somebody needed me. Now when I am there for others or somebody asks me for support, I am with me, more in my stillness and in the moment, so I can truly be there, listen, obsverve, knowing that the other is amazing, just like me.
This is something that I am unfolding with myself, that love starts with self first of all. The love that we so commonly refer to is often imposing and not really love. True love is beholding of a person regardless of where they are at or what is going on for them. Beholding them and seeing them for who they really are, which is equal to you and to me, to everyone. It is only possible to truly feel this when we feel this for ourselves. What I am discovering is that the more I self love and hold myself in this love, I can then feel this same love for others.
I can relate to this “Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional”. I found it deeply empowering to really feel this quote as a truth in my life, Choosing to connect love with truth in my life, has changed everything and has made everything I ‘do’ more real, with more impact and less emotion, I still support but it does not come with all my baggage.
What I love about what you shared Mariette is that it always starts with loving yourself and feeling into yourself. I feel at this moment really tired and my body hurts a little and notice how I want to distract myself with anything to feel better (Facebook, emails, WhatsApp… 😉 ). After reading your blog I allowed myself to be with me and to feel how much I love me and suddenly I do not feel the need to distract myself anymore.
I know the distractions Lieke, I know them very well. I use the same ones as you do. At times I let go of a distraction, for instance TV, I don’t have a TV, and I think: great, I don’t watch TV anymore, that is one distraction less, but then I just replace it with something else. If I just feel what there is to feel, and allow myself the time, than I don’t need the distraction.
Mariette, I love everything that you have shared here about true love. I am learning too that love is about saying ‘yes’, yes to that which is felt and true and is there to evolve and deepen the love that is immeasurably possible in life. I’ve found that when I’m not saying yes to this consistently, I’m still saying yes, but to a love that is much less than the love that I am.
Great sharing Cherise, it is about saying yes consistently to love and to deepen this love every day. I notice that not one single day is the same as what felt right and loving yesterday, can change the next day. The importance of consistently feeling into what feels true in the moment and saying yes to that is a lovely playground, which I enjoy every day.
So that actually means Cherise, that we are or choosing love or not love. As it might be called ‘love’ while in fact and in true inner-sense it is not and can be not.
That self love is the start of true love is such a wonderful seeming dichotomy for the world, and yet it is so simple and so true. For without true love , there is no true you.
I agree Chris no love no truth
I love Mariette how you have totally blown apart all the ideals and beliefs around what is love. Through your blog I have been able to go to a much deeper lovel of understanding how I have also ‘loved’ people by feeling responsible for saving them (possibly the whole world there), going into sympathy, and the big daddy of them all – wanting to be liked. Oh how everyone has loved having me around. But of course! I’ve only but kept them in their comforts – it is a journey I am continuing to explore – to not go into sympathy, to not fix, to not just nod and join in but to know I am absolutely enough and to be aware the way to truly love someone is to speak the truth and present opportunities for others to evolve out of their comfort behaviours, begin their own journey of self love and see life as letting each other in and speaking out about a world that mostly just doesn’t support any of above. A truly wonderful and inspiring blog and read. Thank you.
I can relate to the nodding, just not expressing something in the moment, out of fear that somebody might not like you. The want to being liked is such a huge one for me, and letting that go feels so freeing…..my relationships have improved big time. Making the choice to live a life of truth can sometimes be uncomfortable for others to feel and also rocks my own boat, but it is so worth it!
Loving ourselves and expressing what we feel deep inside of us in every moment is the greatest gift we can make. A gift that will not only bring amazing changes to our lives, but one that will be a reflection for others and allow them to come out of the hiding they created to protect themselves and feel inspired to start making different choices in their lives as well.
Expressing what we feel deep inside of us in every moment is the greatest gift, I love that Michael and it is so true. I am expressing what I feel in the moment more and more and this feels so great, freeing and more and more natural. It’s like: Why did I even stop doing this because it is the most natural thing to do. I love coming back to my natural flow of expression….
A great blog, Mariette. So true, this constant looking out and pursuing of ‘love’ has taken us further away and out, and eventually, in a full circle – back to true love, thanks to Universal Medicine.
Back to true love indeed, the love that we are and that we don’t have to get outside of ourselves. I have learned so much about love thanks to Universal Medicine, I am greatful for that every single day.
I can very much relate to what you write Mariette – thinking that pleasing others is what it’s about even though it doesn’t feel true. I’ve come to learn that love is a being rather than a doing and it requires me to be still with myself and then allowing myself to stay in that stillness when I’m with others.
For me it feels that pleasing comes from an insecurity of not being enough. The moment I start to please, I am in a need of something and am expecting something from the other. I want something in return so to speak. For me this has been the need to ‘be liked’ or ‘seen’ by others. The moment I stop pleasing, and like you say, I am with myself, this is the most beautiful place to be and with that, the most beautiful reflection I can give to another.
Absolutely Matts, for me it is also about holding everyone else as equal – an understanding that I feel can go deeper and deeper all the time. For if I hold myself less worthy than another – it’s not love and likewise if I hold one with more love than someone else – it’s equally not love. Love is a beholding of yourself and everyone with equality and the quality can only be as deep as that which you hold and live with yourself.
‘Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.’ Profound wisdom expressed in a single sentence. It has taken me decades to appreciate and begin to live this way. All those expectations I once placed on others have been erased. It’s wonderful.
I have also placed a lot of expectations on other people Kehinde, wanting something, needing something, which can be very subtle at times. It feels very freeing to let go of that and realizing that what I want the other to give me, I can actually give to myself.
Yes, I too am finally learning that love is not something that we can get from another.
In learning to selfcare and self nurture more I have discovered self love- and how beautiful and freeing it is, when you feel the true love that you are- which is within others equally.
It is amazing that we fall for emotional love and all of the ups and downs that come with it when true love, based on a foundation of self-love, is as solid as a rock when we commit to it.
I love this true love “is as solid as a rock when we commit to it.” this is so true. It does not waver.
Yes, great sharing, and what I experience more and more is how great it feels to really commit to it, where I first always thought it was such a heavy thing. Now I realize there is nothing heavy about committing to self-love because I realize I am so worth it!
WE have access to infinite love within ourselves, true – I can feel the potential of this and live each day feeling more love within. I am more content and consistent and I do not feel lonely or insecure as I once did. Self love first and share this with the world, it works.
We are all an equal part of the oceans, however it comes down to our expression, which creates: dull, held back, weak ripples, that pander the boats afloat. OR: big, large, gracious, full waves of truth, of our love….no holding back, in our full expression. Now that’s what I call ‘rocking the boat’.
Thank you Mariette for a deeply exposing, boat rocking article which is just so awesome. This is a session in itself. Exposing all the held ideals of what ‘love is’, but then serving us a plate of refreshing truth to show what ‘love’ and ‘self love’ in truth are. ” I am and will be a forever student of love…”
I love the boat that you describe…no holding back and truly express. What I experience now is that with more expression, the more intimacy there is in my relationships. I am starting to truly love to express all my love.
Everyday I realise more and more how much our relationship with ourself determines everything that happens in our life. What a confirmation of how powerful we are and that we all have the ability to live truly loving lives based on the loving relationship we first build with ourselves.
I can very much relate to that Vicky, my relationships have changes so much over the last weeks even, the more I open up to myself and the more love I have for myself, I take this into all my relationships. Very powerful indeed and the effect is enormous!
Vicky I agree with your words ” we all have the ability to live truly loving lives based on the loving relationship we first build with ourselves.” as this is something I am coming to embrace and explore with myself. I always wanted to fix and sort the relationships around me, or with a partner or friends, and in that I would leave myself. I now know that to build loving relationships and communication with others first has to start with myself. For if I am not love I cannot be love with anyone else, this to some may sound strange, but really if I don’t love and take care of myself then there is no way I can be love with someone else.
Mariette, I love what you have written here – ” there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing”. We are surrounded by a material world of things and events which we are encouraged to use to fill what is missing. Traditionally to be self loving has been about buying nice things for yourself or going to an expensive spa with the “girls”. When I feel the beauty of truly connecting to me the “missing” disappears.
Yes, then the missing disappears. You realize there is nothing outside that is more gorgeous than you are!
Yes and what a wonderful realisation to have, to feel and then to acknowledge this in full.
Mariette what a glorious little read that was. The line that spoke to me the most this morning is that I will forever be a student of love – the celebration that this brings to me and all around. Thank you for reminding me this.
What a joy to read your loved-filled blog Mariette, thank you for sharing. ‘In fact there is nothing to miss’ – it is impossible to miss something you already have, I love the in-built barometer that says something is missing when we have left ourselves, so coming back starts to become more and more instant.
Now when I say yes, it is a true yes that comes from love and so easy to commit to. When I say no and it comes from love, there is no reaction or issue and it actually inspires others.
What really struck me Mariette is the phrase “It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’…” as being your idea of an act of love. How disconnected from ourselves can we be as true love appears the be the complete opposite. It is sometimes a long way to go if we come from this, starting to appreciate ourselves and re-learn to say no if we want to say no and to say yes if we feel we want to say yes, but is way worthwhile to have a go.
Beautiful to read first thing in the morning. It is so powerful to discover and feel that we are love.
Thank you Marietta, this is a very insightful blog. I too learned that love came from inside me… eventually. Until I did, love was a rollercoaster of emotional experiences, some times l’d call good and other times not so. Now love is something steady, constant, within me and not at all dependant on anyone else… which is a VERY cool way to live.
Yes, I know those emotional rollercoasters, I really loved them and had one almost every day. It’s like an addiction…Love is indeed steady and does not need big ups and downs, actually, love does not need anything. It is there, Always.
Jenny, I love your comment, I agree, so true and a VERY cool way to live indeed.
Great Comment Jenny and so entangling when we know that love is within us and not dependant on anyone else. Very cool and healing.
Mariette this really highlighted so much for me . ” I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it.” I have always been seen as nice and always so good, which now hearing those words it really feels quite yucky and so fake in my body. I am much more than that and sometimes I don’t expresses what I feel to express for fear of not being “nice.” But the tides are turning and little by little I am trusting my own expression and releasing the divine ocean within.
Yes, little by little letting go and indeed trusting that what needs to be expressed, needs to come out. I can still go in my mind, measuring if what I want to say will be ok. It is great to feel though that this measuring is getting less and how freeing this feels. Step by step.
Ha ha Mariette, I just did that writing a comment – the going into my mind and measuring what I have to say, and yes for me too, each day the measuring is getting less. This is amazing and a miracle within itself. Re-learning to not hold back our expression and all that is there to share, for in truth it is not about us but everyone else equally, as well.
I love your comment Gyl, so funny. With writing I can have the same, going into my mind, can I write this, first check what others have been writing etc. I am thinking of the other, the reader in this example, instead of letting my expression and what needs to be said come out freely, without any holding back. Beautiful journey and every day, It is a big learning.
“Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’… ”
What a total contrast to –
“I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock.”
There is so much more honesty and needlessness with the second option – great to define this as love. The manipulation for self gain is palpable in the first scenario, and yet that is what gets referred to as ‘loving behaviour’. Crazy when we stop to look at it so clearly.
Great blog Mariette, that shines a light on how the old feeling of ‘something missing’ can only be there when we are not fully with ourselves – because when we are, there is nothing needed. Great highlighting.
The feeling of missing can pass by but instead of choosing to stay with it and thinking that I am actually missing something, it is a simple and beautiful feeling that in that moment I can make the choice to come back to me and to realize that I carry everything in me, and that there is absolutely nothing outside that I need. Nothing to gain, nothing to do, nothing to need.
This is such a beautiful blog Mariette. I grew up on a steady diet of self help television talk shows and although the guests and hosts often spouted that self love was the key I was never able to work out how to live this love for myself. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have given me a lived example of how to love myself and I have finally begun to understand what self love is and begin a relationship with me.
So true Leonne, it is used very casually in books, tv shows and therapies. It’s all about self-love and that we have to love ourselves. Well, easier said/written then done is my experience. You don’t just read a book and then wake up one morning and love yourself. I have learned through Universal Medicine that it starts with taking care of yourself. Step by step. It has been and still is a whole journey for me and now I am experiencing what it actually means to love myself.
We have so been sold the ‘dud’ version of love…the one as you say is all caught up in the doing. Its in movies, songs, charities and the list goes on…
It was a revelation to understand that love starts with me first…my own self love, and then naturally I will want to share this with others, but not at my expense. After all we can only share the love with another that we have cultivated for ourselves first.
Your beautifull sharing about love shows how I feel for all of us and how we keep ourselves small to fit in.
Like you shared, regardless how many boats we rock, we just have to become ourselves again and if that brings up discomfort in other people then that is fine. They get a true reflection in which they can also make different choices to be themselves again. As we come from love, love takes care of all.
I love this blog Mariette, so honest. I can see a lot of myself in your writing with the wanting to be liked, not being able to say no and not really expressing myself at the risk of rustling someones feelings. It’s a very liberating breaking free of all that.
Mariette your expression of love and self- love is so beautiful. And how you shared your experiences of ‘not’ love also reflected how I too looked for love on the outside. It is a joyful moment when you realise that there is nowhere to go’, nothing to ‘do’, and no one you ‘need’ to be to enjoy the true love that resides within. Thank you for inviting me to appreciate this beautiful relationship with my love within that continues to unfold and deepen.
Yes, it is beautiful how it unfolds every day, the relationship with oneself and the love that we are. No need to push, to do or to get something or somewhere, but more of an allowing yourself to be and to realize that everything is already there.
‘In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am.’ This is a beautiful statement Mariette. Having such markers that show you when you have left yourself are so great, and then knowing what to do about it to get back to yourself, what a wonderful awareness, with no judgment, just a simple observation. Thanks for an honest sharing.
Great blog Mariette. I love your clear simplicity on the love topic. I too have been fooled that true love in relationships is about the other filling me up. A big illusion, the downside of it you discover when you partner takes a distance or leaves and you are left with emptiness they were filling.
And your final sentence ‘I am a student of love’ fills me with joy! I am too! A student just starting on a road he has forgotten.
Yes, I love being a student. It means that I learn every day, that I make mistakes, that I sometimes don’t know and that if something doesn’t work, I can just make another choice and see how that works. It keeps life light, simple and joyful.
Yes Mariette – great blog and today what stood out for me was your statement: ‘ “Over the last three years I have become aware that self-love has to do with me being all of me, no matter what. I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it.” – It is work in progress, to learn to accept that this may be so, and also to be discerning for me that I am truly in the love that I am, when I express; and when I can ascertain that this is so, then rocking a boat or two is quite alright.
So great Mariette! This is a great reminder of all the things that love is not – and presents the very simplicity of what being self-loving is. All we need to do is be us, in our fullness and not hold back from that. This then allows us to be loving in our interactions, and relationships naturally flow on from there. If only I had known this sooner!
HI Mariette, I can relate to so much of this article. When I was little I can remember I knew exactly what love was. As my mum recalls , I loved everyone. It felt warm, open, completely needless, harmless and there was nothing to do. It was just there with me. Then the reinterpretations of love began, that love is about doing and sacrificing but also that it belongs to particular people. It feels so lovely to be returning to the true love I knew as a child.
Yes, I have fallen for that one as well, and still fall for it….Love is only for particular people. That is a big one for me, and such an illusion. For instance, I had this belief that love is for my partner and not for other men. I thought that I could not feel love for other men as this was like cheating and If I show that love and all of me, then maybe they think I want something from them. Now I am learning that it is ok to feel that love for everybody, regardless of gender, how much time I know somebody, age or whatever other excuse I use to hold back my love.
Mariette, I laughed out loud as I read your blog. Everything you said about yourself applied equally to me, right down to thinking it was my responsibility to save everyone. Thanks to the teachings of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I am not doing that any more. Like you I have been learning that love is within me and so it is a journey now of learning to express that love as well as learning to receive it.
Letting go of the feeling responsible for everybody, or in my case, the whole of Holland, takes away so much pressure. To know that if somebody is in trouble or feels pain or whatever is going on, that I don’t have to fix it, solve the problem or do something straight away (or even after a week). Me just being me, being present and truly listening, is the biggest gift you can give the other. Being responsible for myself, well, that is a full time job.
Love equals ‘being nice’, ‘being liked’? This is such big ideal that we are surrounded by as we grow up. It is almost forced on to you that this is what it is. And have come to learn that this has nothing to do with love. Yesterday I was in a conversation with a friend of mine. Her daughter of four loves talking to people she meets. And this one day she was in a local supermarket with her grandmother and looked up to man and said to him. Why are you so fat? it is not healthy for you? And as her grandmother went into a feeling of shame about what the little girl just expressed and was already excusing her granddaughter for being impolite, the man look at the little girl, smiled and said. You are right, thank you. A few days later the mother of the little girl noticed that the man was now riding around on his bike instead of driving the car or being on the bus. (he chose to excercise) This little girl expressed true love, which can be life changing for people.
I love what you share Diana and it also made me laugh because I can just imagine the grandmother and the shame she felt, I can relate to that. Yet what that little girl expressed came from so much love and this is what this man felt. If we all learn again to express from that love, then we can actually support each other in living a more truthful life and being all that we are. Great sharing, thank you.
Oh that’s adorable…you have reminded me of how much I love the honesty of children. They just say it as it is which is beautiful…you know where you stand, no politics, just feeling and expressing. What a gift this man received and then the gift that her Grandmother received by witnessing the changes the man then made. Now in my books, that is true love!
This is beautiful Mariette. I love how you remind us that love is not a doing…it is something that we already are. I relate to the niceness and people pleasing which admittedly always felt so wrong! To be letting that go feels so freeing, I feel I can just be real and be myself…the love that I am.
I can relate so much to what you have written here Mariette. In my search for looking for love (outside of myself) I have twisted myself and contorted myself to fit whatever was needed of me from whomever I was with. Having now established a solid, loving relationship with myself I find that I rarely do that these days… But when I do still engage with this behaviour, something feels off immediately. There is an underlying feeling that I am actually cheating on myself! This gives me the opportunity to stop and feel into what is going on, why I needed that in the first place.. and then reconnect to the love that I am.
It does feel like cheating on yourself, great point. It feels like cheating because we leave ourselves in order to fit in. The moment we adjust or try to fit in, we in fact turn ourselves down. The beautiful thing is that if we don’t do that anymore, we empower others to do the same and wow, all of our relationships would be so much more honest, fun and powerful.
Me too Mariette… ditto to everything.
Beautifully said Mariette I can relate very much to what you have written here. I know that self care is the way but I am still finding in certain situations I ignore what my body is telling me and give in to the old patterns of what I ‘should’ do.
In these situations I just need to accept this is a big change for me and it will take some time to change my ways.
Yes, I also still ignore signs of my body and then I just remind myself that I am a student and that i am learning everyday. Each moment I get the opportunity to learn and to deepen my own self-care. The more I self-care, the more my body is really loud and clear when things are not that supporting, like it is telling me: heh, you know better, what are you choosing here? Isn’t it amazing, how intelligent our bodies are?
Thank you for the great blog, Mariette, – haven’t we all been in the “doing” in search for love. I can relate to a lot of what you write. What’s awesome in the fact that we are indeed pure love and that it is inside of us, is that we can take responsibility ourselves instead of being a victim of outside circumstances. There’s so much freedom in that.
This is a wonderful reminder for me: “could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…?”
I have had similar ideas of love as you had such as saying yes when you wanted to say no, not expressing your truth so as not to rock the boat and needing to be liked. I too am inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon that teaches that we are love at our essence and can return to it at any time. Therefore life is an amazing opportunity each day to reconnect to our love and that has enriched my life.
Mariette I so understand what you mean by “nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing’. I spent a lot of time “thinking” I would get this from others. Your blog is a great wake up call for many to read and appreciate. Thank you.
Mariette, thanks for your honesty. I’m my own student at the moment also…as we all are. Most of my life I have held on to a belief that no one can complete me, that I am in fact a whole person and you will never hear me say to a man or woman ‘ you are my other half’.
When my relationship ended over a year ago, it only took a week before I realised how empty I was without my partner. I could barely function without knowing he would be around. I was always independent, so I thought, and we never needed to be in eacho thers pockets so to speak. But what was really exposing was just how much I relied on him for my day to day dose of happiness. I had completely handed myself over to him giving up all responsibility for myself.
Now, I’m slowly working back to being a whole person again, without putting so much pressure on the idea that I am a whole person, because before it was just an idea … something I thought I had to be in reaction to my idea of what happens in relationships. But nowadays it’s more about allowing myself to be whole rather than just pretending with a big fat layer of protection.
Super honest share here Elodie and I can so easily relate to when I was in a past relationship of relying on my partner; ‘for my day to day dose of happiness and I had also completley handed myself over to him giving up all responsibility for myself’. Now, I can see why I did this, I was so lost and empty inside and I held a belief that I had to look outside of myself for happiness. Now I know different, now I know that I am enough and that everything I need is within me.
After reading your comments I just read this short article on internet about a research they have done after break ups. They say that ending a relationship, this affects a part in the brain which is the same part that has to do with a drug addiction. So there is a similarity between getting over your partner and getting over cocaïne. What is going on here, I replied to that article. Could this mean that this shows that we are lacking a relationship with ourselves and that we are in need of the other? What is the true basis of our relationships?
What a beautiful sharing Elodie, thank you. The beauty of being alone again for a while, is that we get to understand and experience these things and that we can bring more truth into our lifes. A lot of relationships are based on needs and wanting something from the other to make us feel complete. It’s like a deal we make, you give me this, then I give you that. But in the end, there is nothing to give or need, because it is all a reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves. And yes, step by step, we can work on being that beautiful, complete and gorgeous whole person again, which we have Always been, but just have not made contact with..
Mariette, thank you for sharing this very thought provoking blog. Isn’t it weird that at times the hardest person to love and be with and do loving things for is yourself! I can feel myself avoiding being with me at times -I put myself last in line. It has been wonderful to feel the love in my relationship with my husband deepening further than what I thought possible. There is very little emotion there just a deeper way of being with each other. This has come about as we deepen our loving connection to ourselves. I notice that when things are not going so well it is usually when one of us has lost the loving connection to self and we are looking to the other for something to fill the gap. It is so obvious when this is happening now and most of the time we are able to gently pull each other up.
Oh, how I lived off and for the emotional kind of love believing that be it and constantly prayed for my Knight in Shinning Amour to come rescue me and make me & my world complete. WoW! I am so thank-full to be out of that trap and off that Merry-go-round… for ever. True love only comes from within, the relationship we truthfully have with ourselves. The self care & self nurturing for our selves and our bodies and the honouring all that we feel within ourselves and our bodies. Then this reflects and becomes a beautiful reflection for all to know that they too can experience the same as they too are love.
This is such a great article to re-read Mariette, ‘could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life’. I spent many years searching for myself and for love and never found either as I always expected love to come from another who would bring love to me, I also went searching to ‘find myself’ travelling the world. It was through the presentations of Universal Medicine that I come to feel that love is inside me and that I can simply re-connect to it anytime I choose, how very simple and very beautiful!
Thank you Mariette, I love what you share. Due to the inspiring support from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine i have been dating one of the hottest babes out – ME! My relationship is deep, tender, funny, touching, exquisite and inspiring. I am constantly blown away by myself and know that this will forever expand and I will just get hotter! LOL
Love is ‘about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing.’ When I feel this in my body there is no denying that I am love.
Powerful little comment Madeline – love it!
“Knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing” is such a powerful and game-changing knowing. It is true responsibility and at times tough to accept but it is true self-love.
It is a game changer Jonathan…and a very empowering way to be and live knowing that all that one needs is within each one of us…that all the love is and has been right under our noses. To be puppeted by outside circumstances that dictate how much love we receive, and thus how we feel about ourselves, is painful. Filling ones own cup and sharing that cup is so much more joyful.
They are worlds apart, emotional love and self love; like two streams running parrelle that give you two completely different results: the emotional, needy, insecure false love in comparsion to self love, taking care of yourself and putting your needs first means you do not need to look to others to complete or fill anything within one self because you are doing that for yourself. Most of my life I was choosing emotional love with all the drama and disregard that comes with. Today I am choosing self love which continues to deepen every day with my practice of appreciating myself for all the amazing choices I have made to coming to realise or feel rather how amazing I actually am; all thanks to the support of Universal Medicine and the true reflection of love that Serge Benhayon is. Great blog Mariette.
And isn’t it fascinating that we only learn about the emotional love…what we get reflected is that we need somebody, that there is such a thing as a ‘big love’, that if you are single, you are a sad person, that all love songs are about feeling hurt, feeling left or alone or the other side, that everything is beyond the moon, because we finally are IN love. Fairy tales tell us that we will meet this guy on a white horse and everything will be great and we will live together forever and from a young age, we grow up that we need others to feel loved, accepted and recognised. I just read this article in the newspaper saying that more and more young people are taking drugs because they don’t feel loved and the xtc gives them a sense of connection. The lack of self-love is huge in today’s world.
Very true Mariette, the lack of self-love in today’s society is huge and causing so many problems.
Thank you Mariette. I recognise so much of what you describe. I too had a false impression of what love was meant to be and, for most of my life, gave to others at the expense of myself believing that nice and being good was it. Learning to look within first, put my own house in order and love myself changed me and the way I live my life. It made me the centre of my life. I found the more I loved myself, the more I had to give others and without expectations.
I am also experiencing that the more I take care of myself and the more I am building a relationship with myself, the more I can be there for others without the need to fix or do something, and yes indeed, having less expectations. This puts less pressure on relationships as the two of us can just be without the need to give something to the other.
Love absolutely does start with our relationship with ourself Mariette, and it is for me a daily practice to find some loving still moments to check back in and reconnect. I really enjoyed reading your gorgeous blog.
It is for me a daily practice as well, stopping now and then to see where I am, what kind of thoughts I have, how my breath is, and just to feel how my body is feeling. The toilet is a great moment to do this as I am sitting anyways with myself ( :
What a beautiful read Mariette, thank you for sharing. Imagine if this be taught to us all at a very young age …… “Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…” what an amazing and beautiful foundation that would be to live from.
Kirsten it is transformational when we fully understand that True Love is about our relationship with ourselves and not anything outside ourselves.
Hi Mariette, I can relate very much to what you have written here. I am also learning that: “… love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like it.” I am currently experiencing that even though people might react or not like what I say, it does not change me and my loveliness inside that is there always and has been from day one.
Hi Mariette – so beautiful to read your blog again – it always brings me back to me and to the true values of life. I can so relate to how you were – wanting to be liked and afraid to speak your truth. It is amazing to feel the unfolding as we change and realise that we do have true value in the world – and that the world actually welcomes us with arms open wide when we are truly ourselves. There maybe some who are uncomfortable with our truth, but I have found that as I am able to express more of my truth I do not need their approval anymore – just the amazing feeling inside to honouring myself.
Great point you share about approval and the need for that. Once we can let go of that and also about what others think of us, we can allow ourselves to just be who we are without measuring up to everybody around us.
Love this blog. Wouldn’t it be great if it became essential reading for kids in school. Life would be so much simpler.
Such a beautiful exploration of what we think is love, exposing that true love begins with us and how we love, listen to and treat ourselves. Through this self-love only then is it possible to present true love to another – thank you for your sharing.
Mariette, it’s like you’ve just described my whole life in your blog (apart from the bit about Holland!) I too am realising that love is inside of me instead of needing something from the outside world to confirm that I am worth it – in this I feel that I am able to give far more than ever before because I allow it for myself first. Thank you for sharing
The search to find true love, love of self took me to many dark and sad places, different countries, and to the bottom of many bottles – that search exhausted my body and made me a puppet for everyone else. Universal Medicine and the teachings by Serge Benhayon have supported me to truly find I am worth loving.
Your comment Lee reminded me of when I left Australia to travel overseas, working & holidaying in different countries thinking that I would find love elsewhere…thinking I had to look for it, that it was about a different location. That the man of my dreams was ‘out there’. I was quick to discover that no matter what country I lived in all of my baggage followed me…different people and backdrop, but same story. The ‘love of my life’ was with me all along…I just hadn’t discovered that yet.
Mariette you are not only the queen of Holland your are the queen of the whole world. It is so wunderbar how you wrote about love and its meaning. It is mind blowing what you describe: “Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing”. We need to learn this in the kindergarten and at school – imagine how the world should be then!
Thank you Ester and yes, we should teach this in kindergarten, how great would that be. A lesson in love and self-love as part of our education in school, that would be indeed ‘wunderbar’!
Great article Mariette, This is exactly how I had been living from expectations, needs, always
keeping the peace, never daring to say no or express the truth. Anything to not feel the truth.
But as you say now I am learning to honour myself and the signals my body gives me.
Thank you Mariette for your writing, your blog really highlights the importance of self love and that you can’t look for love from outside of yourself. Great reading
It never occurred to me either Marietta ‘that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.’ It’s amazing knowing it is and makes my part in being / feeling that love all down to me. It can be challenging at times, especially when I don’t choose it or don’t want to take responsibility for what I’ve chosen, but it’s a wondrous journey exploring it and one I feel blessed to be on.
Thank you Marietta for this beautiful blog.
I always avoided to look at the fact that I did not love myself at all and tried to mask it by being always caring for others and easing their lives. It was a game in which I hoped to gain the feeling of being “loved” in return – so that I did not have to feel the emptiness and loneliness inside.
I now have grasped that true love can only start with loving myself how I am and appreciating me in each and every moment. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes not – but the changes this brings are so huge and beautiful.
We all want to be loved and therefor we think that we have to do something in order to get this love. I also loved to take care of others, always being there and being the good friend. It gives you a lot of recognition and it is seen as normal that no matter what, you should always be there for others. It feels great to break that pattern and like you share Michael, that it comes from an emptiness inside.
It’s great that you share that Love starts with loving ourselves first and that in turn opens us and makes relationships with people a lot easier. And indeed the feeling of having to save everyone fades away after starting to self-love; it is everyone’s own responsibility to live their true self.
Great point, it is everybody their own responsibility to live your true self, we don’t have to do anything for that, only be the reflection.
You share so succinctly what true love is and isn’t. We get so caught in the doing, giving, pleasing and looking for love outside of ourselves, that it is easy to forget love starts with self-care and connection to self first.
Ah those Abba songs Mariette; they were certainly the way “ to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you” ; such a distorted view of what I now know love to truly be. To discover that I had been looking for love outside me for most of my life, whereas all the time it was waiting within, was utterly and completely life changing. From that moment I decided that I was going to take the time to develop a loving relationship with myself (however long that took), and to discover what self love and love really meant. It has been a most amazing inner journey of self-discovery and one that has flowed on to all the other relationships in my life, after all; how can you truly love another if you do not love yourself first?
Yes, to love another, it starts with loving oneself first. Now that Valentine’s day is almost there, it is truly fascinating how this day is reflecting to us that love has nothing to do with loving yourself first, but only with romance, hearts, making yourself pretty for the other, buying presents and sharing time together on this ‘special day’. There is absolute no truth in there and makes us believe that we need the other to be loved.
Love what you share, “live inside out not out side in” and start with a true foundation of self love.
Dear Mariette, many of your words echo my own experiences and I thank-you for articulating it all so beautifully. Understanding the true meaning of love is truly a revelation and one worthy of sharing with others.
Thank you Mariette. ‘It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love’, this also used to be a ‘concept’ to me that I had never considered but it really works and I am still continuously impressed how very simple and absolutely affective it is to deeply care for yourself and with that for others.
Yes, for me it has been a concept as well, for quite some time. When people would say or when I read about it in books that ‘it is important to love yourself, you have to love yourself first’ I would just look at that them or close the book and think ok, that sounds great, but how??. It is not a button you push one morning. I have come to learn through Universal Medicine that I had to start with taking care of myself. By introducing self-care and appreciation for myself and realizing that pleasing and doing has nothing to do with love, I slowly and gradually experienced for myself what it means to love yourself, And I am still learning every day, falling in love with myself more and more.
Thank you Mariette. You reminded me how I have lived so much of my life believing love was a verb and not a state of being. I remember telling my first boyfriend that love was about ‘doing’ and I will never forget the horrified look on his face! He was on to it and if I’m honest with myself I could feel it was not true when I said it. Thank you for the lovely reminder about what love really is.
Mariette, wow, i feel like the words you have written here, marry up with how i have felt throughout my life. To begin to feel and start to make choices that were self loving was a huge struggle initially, as i’d been so conditioned to say yes, negate myself, people please and the like. However, to start to feel that love is within and so not about the ‘doing’, really was the time my life began to turn around…….slowly like turning a huge big cruise ship, but it began to shift. To not have such ingrained expectations of others, to not look outside myself for love and to fill me up. Thank you for this amazing reminder to always come back to me first in every moment and live from there.
I can so relate to the expectations Raegan, I was a walking expectation. Especially from partners/boyfriends (even one night stands…) I expected a lot. I was so needy for love and wanted to be that special one for them. I have had quite a few men breaking up with me or not wanting to start dating at all, because my needs and expectations were too strong, What I wanted from them, was not something they could ever give me.
‘I am enough and I am love.. ‘ Thank you for your expression here Mariette, I have been touched and inspired by how you came to understand that if we miss something and look outside of ourselves, we are actually missing that very thing inside of ourselves. This is a great reminder for me and one that is relevant for me right now.
It is a great reminder and I am reminding myself every day. The moment I go out and want something from outside or the other day, I felt a missing, I know that I can make that choice to come back to me.
Dear Mariette, I love how you make reference to drowning yourself in emotional songs. In my teens, I hooked into Tina Turner “what’s love got to do with it” I was so miserable in my surroundings that I blamed love, instead of looking at the choices I was making that produced the life I was living. I blamed everyone and everything for not being love but the whole time didn’t turn the mirror on myself, I was not being love either. Today I make loving choices and that quality is reflected back at me. Now I sing “love has everything to do with it”
I still find it very fascinating Caroline, how emotional most songs are and how we use music that only support the emotions and in fact make our emotions even stronger. Most music does not support us in who we truly are and only dwells on drama, broken hearts, missed loved ones and how we can not live without the other. The way love is being presented in music is not a true form of love, but an emotional, romantic and needy form of love. Thank you for Glorious Music and Chris James, for me the only true kind of music that allows me to be me, in all my love and glory.
Great expression Caroline, I especially love your last sentence :- “love has everything to do with it” – I will sing it too , thank you.
Mariette, I loved your blog for it’s clarity and honesty. It is such a true reflection of how I have lived my life. I have known that devastating loneliness and emptiness, and how ‘doing’ and ‘being nice’ for others does nothing but send you into a downward spiral. What a wonderful saviour the presentations by Serge Benhayon have been in showing there is another truer way to live by honouring what we are feeling within our body, rather than allowing the mind to take over.
It’s a work in progress for me, and I appreciate having found that ‘other’ way.
Yes, it is very much a work in progress for me as well, and the beautiful thing is, that because I am aware of the fact that I can easily take this pleaser role on me, I just know when I step into that role. Because I know this, I can stop and just see what is going on. What I have also learned, that in my pleasing, is a need/a desire to give other people a sense of belonging, a ‘good feeling about themselves’. I am not the one to give this to people though, as we all carry this in ourselves. What can I say, I am learning everyday!
Thank you so much for writing this beautifully honest account of how you came back to self. I was like you in that I was always trying to please people and wanting to be liked( still am a bit not completely over it) at the expense of my true expression. I also struggle at times with the livingness of me being enough, but thats ok as I am always learning and reading your blog Mariette was lovely and confirming.
‘Love for me, in a relationship, came with quite a lot of expectations. I thought I needed the other person to complete me, as I believed something was missing inside me and I needed a partner to feel better about myself. For a while I was ‘an easy catch’; anything, so long as I wasn’t alone. I was very needy and quite a handful for my partners back then. I had a wild time where I mixed up love and having sex, thinking that the two would go hand in hand.’
I think you have captured my expectations about love really well in this whole blog. Especially the lines above. Every time I read this I realise a bit more about how i search for love elsewhere but myself, and how I compromise myself for it as well… It is very different to bringing love back to you first and letting it come from there and not what others can give you.
Such a simple message but so powerful for the foundation of true relationships. Thank you Mariette for your openness and honesty it is so lovely to feel.
Mariette, this was beautiful to read — you have broken down so simply all these false ideas we can have about where and how to find love — in the doing. Instead of realising that true love can only come from within, and that when we start caring and cherishing ourselves we connect to our love and we realise we are from love and made from love — that is has nothing to do with doing, and everything to do with being.
I too have searched for love outside of myself and wanted to save the whole world from a young age. Coming to understand that the search was a red herring and that i have all that i need within me was a hard pill to swallow when so much investment had been made in externalising love and life meaning. For me it is a slow and ever unfolding evolution back to who i truly am and the love that i now have felt inside. Because I have felt this love and also felt the changes in my life that come from being connected to this, i have made it my daily committment to deepen this connection through simple choices with no investment in perfection.
I love what you share Megan, with no investment in perfection. Oh that perfection can sneak in is my experience. It’s great to be aware of that and to keep in mind that I am a student of life, forever learning, every day, in every moment.
Thank you Mariette for your beautiful blog and especially the words ‘Love starts with me and how I self love’. These words say it all, and will be with me as a constant reminder in awareness of all that I do!
Yes, that is a great reminder, and then with every moment I feel that I need something outside of myself, whether is is love, recognition, acceptance or a compliment, I can make the choice to go back to me, my own love, my love for myself and the knowing that everything is inside me.
I too fell into the trap of what you thought love was all about- The doing things and giving all of me. It was great to hear your story about it all, and especially your conclusion about it.
Mariette, I enjoyed your blog re reading it this time I feel you are such an inspiration in many ways, but your open sharing about your journey is absolutely one way you inspire others. Your honesty about yourself and willingness to let go of what is not true for you is amazing. I am also on this journey of love and will shine, just like you, every where I go.
‘Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’’ – I can so relate to these feelings Mariette, I would run myself into the ground trying to please, and never realising that I was not pleasing anyone. I was on a desperate search for love without any understanding of what true love maybe.
Now I live a life that is based on the understanding that the love that I show myself in every little detail of how I live my life and treat myself with respect means that I can also be this way with others – what a joy it is to be able to share this livingness with others.
Great sharing Susan, It is a great joy to share this with others and for me, It has been such a great learning and shift to realize that with that pleasing, there was this huge feeling of responsiblity for everybody. Now I can so much better observe and let go, knowing that I am not responsible for other people or their choices. And true, in the end you don’t please anyone and pleasing does not support anyone in their evolving, learning and growing.
‘There is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am’
I love this reminder. Thank you!
Yes, it is a great reminder, also for me now reading your comment Laura. That feeling of missing something, I have had that for such a long time, day in day out, wanting to avoid it by doing things and looking for fulfillment outside of myself. My daily glass of wine that I used to drink was a great way to numb that feeling. I actually thought that having a child would take away that feeling. It is such a beautiful knowing now that when it is there, that feeling of missing, a sadness at times, I know who to turn me….ME!
I so enjoyed reading your blog Mariette – For so many years I put others first and its taken a long gentle process to break away from old habits that have been so engrained. Instead choosing self love and all that comes from that. Amazing. thank you
Yes it is amazing and most of all, what I have noticed big time, is that if you always choose other first, how draining this is. I was always so anxious and tired because I was always busy with others. Not only in my doing and helping, but also in my mind, with my thoughts. I have so much more energy now, that I am with myself, knowing that everybody can perfectly take care of themselves and that I don’t have to carry the entire world on my shoulder, starting with Holland…
As I read your blog Mariette I realised how tiring all that searching for love from the outside was, for I too spent most of my life thinking that was where it would come from. I looked to other people, or my achievements to fill the emptiness inside but it just doesn’t work. It’s easy to see now how that very search for something more or different leaves no space to find and connect to the love that is naturally within. It’s also easy to see that everything around us, the love songs, the movies, the media, sells us a story that love does come from the outside, from another person. It’s only since coming to Universal Medicine that I’ve discovered the deep well of love within me, a love that is ever expanding and feel truly beautiful and amazing. From this place it is simple to make self-loving choices.
Most of the movies that are being made, are about this romantic love, so called true love, and we are forever happy with each other, But we never see what goes on with the couple after the movie ends….same with the so called love songs. Most songs are about how lonely the singer feels, left behind, desperate and they can’t seem to live without another person. “I can’t live, if living is without you’, is quite a famous lyric from a love song. It just shows that we don’t know how to have a relationship with ourselves first, that we ourselves are our true love.
That’s a great point Michelle…looking for love outside of ourselves is so exhausting. Its a non-stop merry-go-round that is joy-less.
Truly taking on board the fact that no one is ‘more’ than or ‘less’ than anyone else, sure takes the pressure off, and bingo I get to feel more of me in doing so – win win.
Yes bingo, that is a great point. I have for sure put quite some people very high on the ladder of being more than me, looking up to them and making myself small. If I do that, then I also make people less than me. I have not been working on those people, wanting to change them, but I have worked on my own self-worth and self-love. The effect is huge and I can still fall for the being more or less, but more and more I can feel the equalness an it feels amazing. Yes, with that I can feel more of me and that is just a wonderful feeling.
I have been through exactly the same! For me the hardest part was to accept that I am “enough” and perfect the way I am. Perfect in my imperfection. That there’s nothing I have to do or be. Not in relationships, not in business and not with myself. I could always tell this to others. But concerning myself I was always very judgmental (a funny word by the way: a mix of judging and being mental*) and hard with me. I was always under the tension of feeling someone wanting something from me or something needed to be done but in truth wanting to say “NO”. Today I see it from a different point of view. That I have to say NO, if it’s not right for me. If I don’t care for myself first than anything I do then is either pleasing or needing something.
I feel very much the same Christina Hecke. For me it’s been like a program running in the background telling me how things ought to be without considering me first. I’m starting to let go of this way and it’s like I’m coming home, returning to who I am in truth. Very lovely feeling.
That is so true Mariette changing your beliefs about what love actually is, was and sometimes still is a big thing for me. True Love can seem “boring” when you compare it to the emotional love you knew. Caring and loving for myself is a never ending process for me in life, erasing the beliefs that only when I do amazing things that I am loved or accepted.
I can so relate to the ‘being boring’, great that you share this. I have been so emotional when it comes to love, with anger and crying and having all these huge expectations from partners. Since I am on this great adventure and journey where I am making choices to self-care and with that, to love myself more and more, the emotions disappear and there is so much more balance and consistency. No more emotional break outs, but far more a going inwards and being with myself. And from that, I can very much enjoy the small things and just be with each other.
Wow – so many things jumped out when reading this blog – a big thing which I was avoiding feeling “that I am NOT responsible for other people” this is huge, I don’t realise the extent to which I and many often carry the feeling of having to be responsible for other peoples choices, which I am not. This today is a revelation for me – it lifts an absolutely huge weight of my body as I do not have to try to fix or be responsible for the choices other people make. I did’t realise how often I would feel it was up to me to ‘save the world’ (that feels awful and so self righteous and absolutely draining). When in truth it all comes back to making loving choices for myself, expressing all of me and allowing other people to unfold and make choices which feel true for themselves, And in that I can feel how much more loving, honouring and true relationships can be built. 🙂
Beautiful Mariette, thank you. I loved how you gave us a feel of how it was before by saying ‘It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.’
I too had fallen for the being nice, the doing, the not expressing my truth and staying with it, the needing to be liked and missed etc but all of this still left an emptiness feeling inside me. It wasn’t until I started to self-love and deepen my loving choices for myself that I truly felt that this is the quality of love that I am actually sharing with others. Before when it was about seeking love and everything outside of me that came from a need, and the need to fill that emptiness. So before that is the quality I was sharing- needy and empty . . . But now I am living love in the choices I make, I am expressing as I need to, listening to my body and caring for me. With this I share this deeper level of care and consideration with all others. I have true relationships around me now as I am being true with myself and staying solid in the knowing that fundamentally I AM LOVE so I must treat myself in such a way, for it to be there in it’s fullest.