When I was young I thought love was something that would be given to me by others, and looking back now, I have been on a very long journey searching for love outside of myself. It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.
I remember how I used to listen to a song called ‘The Winner takes it All’ by Abba, after a break-up with a boy. Phil Collins and Lionel Richie would also do the trick in times like these, as long as the song would make me feel even more emotional than I already felt. Love songs are great to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you.
Love equals doing and giving?
Love for me has always been a verb, a doing; and that’s what the women around me mainly reflected to me as a child. Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’… and going along with a conversation, even if I wanted to say something different. This showed itself in a constant pleasing, showing sympathy, making time for others and definitely not expressing my truth because this might rock a boat or two. Love for me was about not having arguments or conflicts and keeping the peace, even though a bomb may be lying under the carpet, ready to explode. Most of my life, I have been on a big quest for people to like me.
Love for me, in a relationship, came with quite a lot of expectations. I thought I needed the other person to complete me, as I believed something was missing inside me and I needed a partner to feel better about myself. For a while I was ‘an easy catch’; anything, so long as I wasn’t alone. I was very needy and quite a handful for my partners back then. I had a wild time where I mixed up love and having sex, thinking that the two would go hand in hand.
Love for me was feeling drained after a day at work because I was always helping out colleagues and trying to keep everything in harmony. I hardly ever said no and I was feeling responsible not only for my colleagues but in a way, for the whole of Holland. Love for me was saying yes if someone asked for help, literally dropping everything out of my hands and doing what I perceived was needed.
Love equals ‘being nice’, ‘being liked’?
In my expression I would never speak my truth because I felt it could be perceived as not nice and people might not like me anymore – and I was craving for people to like me. I had this idea that nobody would want to hear my truth, so why make them feel uncomfortable? I felt special and loved because people always liked me and with all the different jobs I have had, I always left with a warm goodbye and I loved the fact that I would be missed.
I have taken pride in the fact that I have rarely had conflicts or arguments in my life and I felt that this was very special. If a situation got ugly I would hold back, not expressing what I actually wanted to say and I would start pleasing and/or pandering. As a family we were always great at hiding issues under the carpet and ignoring what was truly going on: I have played a glorious part in this.
At some point I had this crazy idea that I would find love abroad; so I started travelling, looking around for something, but in fact I was running away from the things I didn’t want to address and deal with. I have tried and done many things, but in the end I was still missing something.
What about Self-Love first?
So then… could it be that love has nothing to do with doing, helping or giving something, but that it all lies in my being and how I self-love…? Could it be that there is nowhere to go and nothing to search for, but that love is inside me and has been for all of my life…? Could it be that I AM love and I will always be, no matter what I do? I have to admit, it does feel quite new to me and at times, I can still feel insecure about it, as in – am I enough…? Shouldn’t I be doing something?
Over the last three years I have become aware that self-love has to do with me being all of me, no matter what. I have come to learn and I am still learning – big time – that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…
Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me. It’s a tough one for me, but I have also learned that I am in fact NOT responsible for the whole of Holland but only for myself, my choices, my life and how I live my life, in every single moment. Quite a bummer I can tell you, to realise that I don’t have to save anybody… Love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.
Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…
I am deeply inspired by the work of Universal Medicine, all the students and all those amazing people around me who reflect to me that I am enough, that I am love.
By Mariette Reineke, Amsterdam, Holland
614 Comments
You share so succinctly what true love is and isn’t. We get so caught in the doing, giving, pleasing and looking for love outside of ourselves, that it is easy to forget love starts with self-care and connection to self first.
Ah those Abba songs Mariette; they were certainly the way “ to drown yourself in sorrow and to highlight the feeling that nobody loves you” ; such a distorted view of what I now know love to truly be. To discover that I had been looking for love outside me for most of my life, whereas all the time it was waiting within, was utterly and completely life changing. From that moment I decided that I was going to take the time to develop a loving relationship with myself (however long that took), and to discover what self love and love really meant. It has been a most amazing inner journey of self-discovery and one that has flowed on to all the other relationships in my life, after all; how can you truly love another if you do not love yourself first?
Yes, to love another, it starts with loving oneself first. Now that Valentine’s day is almost there, it is truly fascinating how this day is reflecting to us that love has nothing to do with loving yourself first, but only with romance, hearts, making yourself pretty for the other, buying presents and sharing time together on this ‘special day’. There is absolute no truth in there and makes us believe that we need the other to be loved.
Dear Mariette, many of your words echo my own experiences and I thank-you for articulating it all so beautifully. Understanding the true meaning of love is truly a revelation and one worthy of sharing with others.
Thank you Mariette. ‘It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love’, this also used to be a ‘concept’ to me that I had never considered but it really works and I am still continuously impressed how very simple and absolutely affective it is to deeply care for yourself and with that for others.
Yes, for me it has been a concept as well, for quite some time. When people would say or when I read about it in books that ‘it is important to love yourself, you have to love yourself first’ I would just look at that them or close the book and think ok, that sounds great, but how??. It is not a button you push one morning. I have come to learn through Universal Medicine that I had to start with taking care of myself. By introducing self-care and appreciation for myself and realizing that pleasing and doing has nothing to do with love, I slowly and gradually experienced for myself what it means to love yourself, And I am still learning every day, falling in love with myself more and more.
Thank you Mariette. You reminded me how I have lived so much of my life believing love was a verb and not a state of being. I remember telling my first boyfriend that love was about ‘doing’ and I will never forget the horrified look on his face! He was on to it and if I’m honest with myself I could feel it was not true when I said it. Thank you for the lovely reminder about what love really is.
Mariette, wow, i feel like the words you have written here, marry up with how i have felt throughout my life. To begin to feel and start to make choices that were self loving was a huge struggle initially, as i’d been so conditioned to say yes, negate myself, people please and the like. However, to start to feel that love is within and so not about the ‘doing’, really was the time my life began to turn around…….slowly like turning a huge big cruise ship, but it began to shift. To not have such ingrained expectations of others, to not look outside myself for love and to fill me up. Thank you for this amazing reminder to always come back to me first in every moment and live from there.
I can so relate to the expectations Raegan, I was a walking expectation. Especially from partners/boyfriends (even one night stands…) I expected a lot. I was so needy for love and wanted to be that special one for them. I have had quite a few men breaking up with me or not wanting to start dating at all, because my needs and expectations were too strong, What I wanted from them, was not something they could ever give me.
‘I am enough and I am love.. ‘ Thank you for your expression here Mariette, I have been touched and inspired by how you came to understand that if we miss something and look outside of ourselves, we are actually missing that very thing inside of ourselves. This is a great reminder for me and one that is relevant for me right now.
It is a great reminder and I am reminding myself every day. The moment I go out and want something from outside or the other day, I felt a missing, I know that I can make that choice to come back to me.
Dear Mariette, I love how you make reference to drowning yourself in emotional songs. In my teens, I hooked into Tina Turner “what’s love got to do with it” I was so miserable in my surroundings that I blamed love, instead of looking at the choices I was making that produced the life I was living. I blamed everyone and everything for not being love but the whole time didn’t turn the mirror on myself, I was not being love either. Today I make loving choices and that quality is reflected back at me. Now I sing “love has everything to do with it”
I still find it very fascinating Caroline, how emotional most songs are and how we use music that only support the emotions and in fact make our emotions even stronger. Most music does not support us in who we truly are and only dwells on drama, broken hearts, missed loved ones and how we can not live without the other. The way love is being presented in music is not a true form of love, but an emotional, romantic and needy form of love. Thank you for Glorious Music and Chris James, for me the only true kind of music that allows me to be me, in all my love and glory.
Great expression Caroline, I especially love your last sentence :- “love has everything to do with it” – I will sing it too , thank you.
Mariette, I loved your blog for it’s clarity and honesty. It is such a true reflection of how I have lived my life. I have known that devastating loneliness and emptiness, and how ‘doing’ and ‘being nice’ for others does nothing but send you into a downward spiral. What a wonderful saviour the presentations by Serge Benhayon have been in showing there is another truer way to live by honouring what we are feeling within our body, rather than allowing the mind to take over.
It’s a work in progress for me, and I appreciate having found that ‘other’ way.
Yes, it is very much a work in progress for me as well, and the beautiful thing is, that because I am aware of the fact that I can easily take this pleaser role on me, I just know when I step into that role. Because I know this, I can stop and just see what is going on. What I have also learned, that in my pleasing, is a need/a desire to give other people a sense of belonging, a ‘good feeling about themselves’. I am not the one to give this to people though, as we all carry this in ourselves. What can I say, I am learning everyday!
Thank you so much for writing this beautifully honest account of how you came back to self. I was like you in that I was always trying to please people and wanting to be liked( still am a bit not completely over it) at the expense of my true expression. I also struggle at times with the livingness of me being enough, but thats ok as I am always learning and reading your blog Mariette was lovely and confirming.
‘Love for me, in a relationship, came with quite a lot of expectations. I thought I needed the other person to complete me, as I believed something was missing inside me and I needed a partner to feel better about myself. For a while I was ‘an easy catch’; anything, so long as I wasn’t alone. I was very needy and quite a handful for my partners back then. I had a wild time where I mixed up love and having sex, thinking that the two would go hand in hand.’
I think you have captured my expectations about love really well in this whole blog. Especially the lines above. Every time I read this I realise a bit more about how i search for love elsewhere but myself, and how I compromise myself for it as well… It is very different to bringing love back to you first and letting it come from there and not what others can give you.
Such a simple message but so powerful for the foundation of true relationships. Thank you Mariette for your openness and honesty it is so lovely to feel.
Mariette, this was beautiful to read — you have broken down so simply all these false ideas we can have about where and how to find love — in the doing. Instead of realising that true love can only come from within, and that when we start caring and cherishing ourselves we connect to our love and we realise we are from love and made from love — that is has nothing to do with doing, and everything to do with being.
I too have searched for love outside of myself and wanted to save the whole world from a young age. Coming to understand that the search was a red herring and that i have all that i need within me was a hard pill to swallow when so much investment had been made in externalising love and life meaning. For me it is a slow and ever unfolding evolution back to who i truly am and the love that i now have felt inside. Because I have felt this love and also felt the changes in my life that come from being connected to this, i have made it my daily committment to deepen this connection through simple choices with no investment in perfection.
I love what you share Megan, with no investment in perfection. Oh that perfection can sneak in is my experience. It’s great to be aware of that and to keep in mind that I am a student of life, forever learning, every day, in every moment.
Thank you Mariette for your beautiful blog and especially the words ‘Love starts with me and how I self love’. These words say it all, and will be with me as a constant reminder in awareness of all that I do!
Yes, that is a great reminder, and then with every moment I feel that I need something outside of myself, whether is is love, recognition, acceptance or a compliment, I can make the choice to go back to me, my own love, my love for myself and the knowing that everything is inside me.
I too fell into the trap of what you thought love was all about- The doing things and giving all of me. It was great to hear your story about it all, and especially your conclusion about it.
Mariette, I enjoyed your blog re reading it this time I feel you are such an inspiration in many ways, but your open sharing about your journey is absolutely one way you inspire others. Your honesty about yourself and willingness to let go of what is not true for you is amazing. I am also on this journey of love and will shine, just like you, every where I go.
‘Love was a synonym for doing and about what you give. Love for me was being nice, polite, helpful, being good and being there for others. It meant saying ‘yes’ while I actually felt like saying ‘no’’ – I can so relate to these feelings Mariette, I would run myself into the ground trying to please, and never realising that I was not pleasing anyone. I was on a desperate search for love without any understanding of what true love maybe.
Now I live a life that is based on the understanding that the love that I show myself in every little detail of how I live my life and treat myself with respect means that I can also be this way with others – what a joy it is to be able to share this livingness with others.
Great sharing Susan, It is a great joy to share this with others and for me, It has been such a great learning and shift to realize that with that pleasing, there was this huge feeling of responsiblity for everybody. Now I can so much better observe and let go, knowing that I am not responsible for other people or their choices. And true, in the end you don’t please anyone and pleasing does not support anyone in their evolving, learning and growing.
‘There is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am’
I love this reminder. Thank you!
Yes, it is a great reminder, also for me now reading your comment Laura. That feeling of missing something, I have had that for such a long time, day in day out, wanting to avoid it by doing things and looking for fulfillment outside of myself. My daily glass of wine that I used to drink was a great way to numb that feeling. I actually thought that having a child would take away that feeling. It is such a beautiful knowing now that when it is there, that feeling of missing, a sadness at times, I know who to turn me….ME!
I so enjoyed reading your blog Mariette – For so many years I put others first and its taken a long gentle process to break away from old habits that have been so engrained. Instead choosing self love and all that comes from that. Amazing. thank you
Yes it is amazing and most of all, what I have noticed big time, is that if you always choose other first, how draining this is. I was always so anxious and tired because I was always busy with others. Not only in my doing and helping, but also in my mind, with my thoughts. I have so much more energy now, that I am with myself, knowing that everybody can perfectly take care of themselves and that I don’t have to carry the entire world on my shoulder, starting with Holland…
As I read your blog Mariette I realised how tiring all that searching for love from the outside was, for I too spent most of my life thinking that was where it would come from. I looked to other people, or my achievements to fill the emptiness inside but it just doesn’t work. It’s easy to see now how that very search for something more or different leaves no space to find and connect to the love that is naturally within. It’s also easy to see that everything around us, the love songs, the movies, the media, sells us a story that love does come from the outside, from another person. It’s only since coming to Universal Medicine that I’ve discovered the deep well of love within me, a love that is ever expanding and feel truly beautiful and amazing. From this place it is simple to make self-loving choices.
Most of the movies that are being made, are about this romantic love, so called true love, and we are forever happy with each other, But we never see what goes on with the couple after the movie ends….same with the so called love songs. Most songs are about how lonely the singer feels, left behind, desperate and they can’t seem to live without another person. “I can’t live, if living is without you’, is quite a famous lyric from a love song. It just shows that we don’t know how to have a relationship with ourselves first, that we ourselves are our true love.
That’s a great point Michelle…looking for love outside of ourselves is so exhausting. Its a non-stop merry-go-round that is joy-less.
Truly taking on board the fact that no one is ‘more’ than or ‘less’ than anyone else, sure takes the pressure off, and bingo I get to feel more of me in doing so – win win.
Yes bingo, that is a great point. I have for sure put quite some people very high on the ladder of being more than me, looking up to them and making myself small. If I do that, then I also make people less than me. I have not been working on those people, wanting to change them, but I have worked on my own self-worth and self-love. The effect is huge and I can still fall for the being more or less, but more and more I can feel the equalness an it feels amazing. Yes, with that I can feel more of me and that is just a wonderful feeling.
I have been through exactly the same! For me the hardest part was to accept that I am “enough” and perfect the way I am. Perfect in my imperfection. That there’s nothing I have to do or be. Not in relationships, not in business and not with myself. I could always tell this to others. But concerning myself I was always very judgmental (a funny word by the way: a mix of judging and being mental*) and hard with me. I was always under the tension of feeling someone wanting something from me or something needed to be done but in truth wanting to say “NO”. Today I see it from a different point of view. That I have to say NO, if it’s not right for me. If I don’t care for myself first than anything I do then is either pleasing or needing something.
I feel very much the same Christina Hecke. For me it’s been like a program running in the background telling me how things ought to be without considering me first. I’m starting to let go of this way and it’s like I’m coming home, returning to who I am in truth. Very lovely feeling.
That is so true Mariette changing your beliefs about what love actually is, was and sometimes still is a big thing for me. True Love can seem “boring” when you compare it to the emotional love you knew. Caring and loving for myself is a never ending process for me in life, erasing the beliefs that only when I do amazing things that I am loved or accepted.
I can so relate to the ‘being boring’, great that you share this. I have been so emotional when it comes to love, with anger and crying and having all these huge expectations from partners. Since I am on this great adventure and journey where I am making choices to self-care and with that, to love myself more and more, the emotions disappear and there is so much more balance and consistency. No more emotional break outs, but far more a going inwards and being with myself. And from that, I can very much enjoy the small things and just be with each other.
Wow – so many things jumped out when reading this blog – a big thing which I was avoiding feeling “that I am NOT responsible for other people” this is huge, I don’t realise the extent to which I and many often carry the feeling of having to be responsible for other peoples choices, which I am not. This today is a revelation for me – it lifts an absolutely huge weight of my body as I do not have to try to fix or be responsible for the choices other people make. I did’t realise how often I would feel it was up to me to ‘save the world’ (that feels awful and so self righteous and absolutely draining). When in truth it all comes back to making loving choices for myself, expressing all of me and allowing other people to unfold and make choices which feel true for themselves, And in that I can feel how much more loving, honouring and true relationships can be built. 🙂
Beautiful Mariette, thank you. I loved how you gave us a feel of how it was before by saying ‘It had never occurred to me that my ability to self-love may be the foundation to true love.’
I too had fallen for the being nice, the doing, the not expressing my truth and staying with it, the needing to be liked and missed etc but all of this still left an emptiness feeling inside me. It wasn’t until I started to self-love and deepen my loving choices for myself that I truly felt that this is the quality of love that I am actually sharing with others. Before when it was about seeking love and everything outside of me that came from a need, and the need to fill that emptiness. So before that is the quality I was sharing- needy and empty . . . But now I am living love in the choices I make, I am expressing as I need to, listening to my body and caring for me. With this I share this deeper level of care and consideration with all others. I have true relationships around me now as I am being true with myself and staying solid in the knowing that fundamentally I AM LOVE so I must treat myself in such a way, for it to be there in it’s fullest.
We are taught from a young age that love is something outside of us, something that can be given and received (as Danielle mentioned, like gifts and praise and affection). What Mariette exposes is so important, love is not something we do, it is a way of being that starts with self-love. If we do not honour how we feel and connect to that love inside us, we are not able to truly love another. Without true love, all we bring is sympathy, pandering and an allowing of other to ignore the truth – definitely no love in that.
How on earth did we ever get loved confused with being nice. Being nice is such a game we all play with each other to avoid being really honest and truthful about how we feel.
I know Vicky, where does this confusion come from? For me it is a biggie so to speak because I come from a background where being nice was and still is a way to be with each other. In my family we were all being nice and this is a hard pattern to break, is my experience. And yes, it is a way to avoid being honest and sharing truth. What being nice brings is a so-called harmony and we are all getting along just fine, but when you take a closer look, there is in fact no true harmony at all. I am learning every day and taking steps to break this pattern and the importance of it, because being nice has nothing to do with evolution and allowing yourself or the other to grow in the true potential that we all are and carry within us.
I love this article, it blow’s out all of the books and discussions on the “Language of Love”. The self help relationship books that says we need to learn people’s language of love, that is what they need to see and hear in order to feel loved, and that this is the key to a successful relationship. This article shows that living this way would only help someone to hide the fact that they don’t feel love for themselves, feel empty and so desperately need to see or receive love from someone else in any form what so ever. For some it’s gifts, for some it’s praise and positive thoughts, for some it is physical contact and affection. All of these things are fine, but if they are to make someone feel better about not loving themselves, then in fact all of these things are harmful. The world would be a much better place if we didn’t play this game, and instead we were ourselves with each other, and if someone doesn’t feel this is enough, and reacts or get’s upset or hurt, then we hold them to account – ask them to go deeper, and consider why do they not feel loved in that moment, why are they not loving themselves.
Great point Danielle, the other day I saw this advert in a newspaper from a dating agency, saying that they will find your true love for you. It showed a photo of two people holding hands and one of them, the man, with a big tattoo on this wrist with the word ‘HOPE”. Now I am not single, but I got such a desperate feeling from the advert, like I was some lost case and all hope was gone if I would not find that ‘special person’. The advert was not inviting and did not give the feeling that hee, you know what, you are just amazing for who you, you are love and you don’t need anything outside of yourself. And then of course we can join an online dating agency and then it would be so different. I feel we put too much pressure on the one special love and then everything in life will be fine. That is not how it is in reality and nobody tells u that we ourselves are our own true love. This is a whole new starting point for a relationship.
I love how simple and truthful this line is, “Self-love for me now is saying ‘no’ when my body says no; to really honour myself and the signals my body gives me”. I know at times I will feel something so clearly from my body but then the questioning will or tries to kick in from my head, which is exhausting. How simple life is when we honour what we feel from our bodies. And we can have fun and be very playful with this.
I can very much relate to it. I have moments as well, that I feel very clearly from my body a signal that for instance I should not eat a certain food, say no to something, or a clear yes (!), or that a certain appointment will not take place, but then my head takes over and I ignore these signals. For me it is a constant learning to listen to my body. And yes, it is very playful. It also has to do with trust, a trust that i know and that my body knows exactly what is loving and supporting and what is not.
Marietta. Wonderful the way you express the love you have for yourself, which then radiates to other people.
I love this blog, I love how you describe what love is for you, Marietta, as it speaks for everyone. thank you.
“Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself. It’s about the relationship I have with myself and knowing that there is absolutely nothing outside of myself that will give me what I feel is missing. In fact, there is nothing to miss and if that feeling comes up, it means I have left myself and I only have to come back to me and the love that I am. From that place, I can be love and reflect love. I am and will be a forever student of love…”
I agree Jonathan, such a beautiful reminder “Love starts with me, and how I self-love. It’s no longer about searching for love outside of myself.” At times I find myself reaching out looking for love or an answer, and then I’m like, ‘oh, okay come back to me” as I know everything I could possibly be looking for is inside me 🙂 and that feels amazing.
I can so relate to everything you have written on this blog! It has taken me a while to understand too that self love and taking care of oneself is indeed a commitment to love for yourself and for everyone else too. When you take care of yourself you create a loving foundation from which to express from, thereby reflecting love to others without even trying.
Thank you for a gorgeous blog Mariette. I so related to everything in it. I have always been a great pleaser and it has been quite a challenge to learn to say no or to speak truth and hold steady when it makes another feel uncomfortable. A loving work in progress.
It is very much a loving work in progress. I have moments that I find it hard to speak my truth because of the reactions. I have this strong belief that it is important to have harmony the whole time and that we should all be friends. With this, I walk away from truth at times, and it has a big affect on my body, especially on my stomach area. When this goes tight, I know there is something going on and that I need to express..
Beautiful Mariette, ‘that love is about expressing my truth, regardless of how many boats I will rock. I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it.’ I too am learning this, I had always thought love was about being as nice as possible to people, but I’m now realising that this isn’t true and that love is me saying what feels true.
Love your blog Mariette – “love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional.” This is so huge, totally kicks out the idea that love is all about other people, instead it is about coming back and loving ourselves through self-care for example.
Great call Jessica and Mariette – “love has nothing to do with sympathy, doing good in the world, or being emotional”. We are totally sold the lie that love is emotional in all facets of life, so it’s great to have the truth exposed.
It’s crazy how we have swopped Love to mean pleasing, doing, trying, sympathising, keeping quiet – anything else but real true Love.. Just being ourselves and being open with others with no outcome or measure..
Your comment made me stop Susan, as I had never realised that I had equated love with doing, but as I read your words ‘doing’ stood out for me. Then I realised how often i have made love about what I do, often for another person – when in truth this has nothing to do with real love at all. Just being open, present, committed and being me is way more than enough for true love to be felt. and that starts with myself.
I have always believed that love was about doing. When you do something for somebody else It shows how much love you have for the other person. But love is about our being, it is who we are. The most important thing is that I am me, with myself and open, and this is what love is about. If I do something for another from that point, from that being, that is completely different. My love is then in everything I do, from showering to making a meal and to support somebody when they ask for help.
We all have a daily choice, disregard ourselves, or bring our whole being in to an open and honest way of living.
This is a great blog, Mariette. You make so many good points about the different ways we are sold a false image of love that all dis-empower ourselves, making us dependent upon something from outside to make us feel complete and loved. The one that stands out for me on reading the blog this time is, “I needed the other person to complete me”. So rarely are we made to feel enough, there is always something more we need to make our lives fulfilled but as you go on to express so eloquently in the penultimate paragraph we are already complete and do not need anything from outside.
That is so significant for me Mariette, when you say ” I have come to understand that love can be very firm and direct and that people might not like me for it. Ouch…”, as I have very rarely been able to express myself this way, always fearing the reaction. It is now very clear to me how that way is so unloving for myself and the other, and how loving it is for us all to speak honestly without the fear and false protection of trying to survive without getting hurt. The truly loving way I don’t get hurt because I am living all of myself, but the other way I build up lots of resentments inside me that will be held in my body and cause me harm. I will also feel bad about myself, whereas, if I express from all the love I am I will appreciate that.