Have you ever had a relationship that ended badly, then another relationship comes along and it ends badly as well? This did not happen to me just once, but a number of times!
After this happened to me the seventh time I had to be honest enough with myself to see that if I wanted to have a different outcome I didn’t just need good relationship advice, I needed to approach my relationships in a completely different way.
Most of my relationships lasted a couple of months if I was lucky. It was quite a familiar pattern – a guy would be interested in me and I in him, then the game would begin. Firstly he needed to prove to me how much he liked me and cared for me. If I felt that was enough and I liked him too, then we would get together. As soon as we were together I would become a bit obsessed, I would think of him all the time, lose myself in him and become a dedicated ‘I will put up with anything’ kind of lover. As you can imagine this put quite a lot of guys off! When they did lose interest this would leave me somehow more obsessed and more ‘into them’, which was quite distressing really.
With most of these failed relationships came an intense feeling of falling in love, then not long after would come the familiar feelings of hopelessness and a desperation to not lose the relationship.
Looking back I can see I had no regard for myself, I had many beliefs and ideals, which kept me locked in an emotional prison of how a relationship should be and how I should be within that. I had set unrealistic ideals and standards of what this should look like.
I realize now I was being shown time and time again that I had to look deeper into what I was creating. I could no longer deny the fact that I must be responsible in some way for attracting the same situation to develop and be repeated again and again – just with a different person. I could no longer play the victim; I had been offered the choice to see how I (yes I, no one else) was creating these repetitive heartbreaks.
I started to be really honest with myself as it was now becoming very obvious how my lack of self-worth was infiltrating and affecting many relationships in my life. Inspired by the love in which I was held during Esoteric Healing sessions I began to make changes to the way I lived. Choosing a greater level of love and care for myself worked magic in breaking past self-sabotaging momentums.
I now am fully aware that until we deal with our hurts we can never move on: we may get a new partner or we may move to another country, but the momentum is still there hidden, waiting to manifest itself again and again.
The deep pain I experienced in all my relationships was undoubtedly caused by the lack of love I had for myself. I realize now without a foundation of loving myself, all my relationships were destined to eventually crumble.
With lack of self-worth I was ultimately setting myself up time and time again to allow heartbreak and abuse. Through developing the love I now have for myself, for the lovely lady I am, I have healed huge wounds that kept me from developing loving relationships.
Now, as I have developed my own self-love and have faced the pain that I had held onto, I find myself in my longest ever relationship (now 4 years) and engaged to a beautiful man. We are both committed to being and bringing true love into our relationship – to deal with our stuff and to evolve together. Of course there have been rocky times and I am sure there may be a few more to come, but overall our foundation is strong and built with a love and truth that pulls us back when we are off track to constantly remind us of our truth.
With the inspiration I have received from Universal Medicine, its practitioners and the women’s groups held monthly in London, I have deepened my level of self-worth and this has had a positive effect on all my relationships, whether they be with family, colleagues, friends or my partner.
I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.
by Samantha, UK
Self-Worth: Honouring the Beautiful Woman I Am
It is as Simple as Loving Myself First
The same undealt with hurts = the same destructive habits and patterns in relationships. It makes sense that we need to heal something in ourselves for our relationships to change. We are after all 50% of that relationship!
Yes, and that is taking responsibility, or we get the same next time, ‘The deep pain I experienced in all my relationships was undoubtedly caused by the lack of love I had for myself. I realize now without a foundation of loving myself, all my relationships were destined to eventually crumble.’
I can feel the difference between knowing my quality and holding this strongly and also the feeling of neediness. With the neediness I am prepared to accept less than my quality, when I hold my quality, I know from deep within that nothing from outside can complete me as I already am everything.
Great piece of advice plus when I read the words’With lack of self-worth I was ultimately setting myself up time and time again to allow heartbreak and abuse’.
This sums up my life but these lines have helped me beyond your imagination. Stay blessed. Love your post.
This line is remarkable!
“without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.”
This is the lesson that everyone becomes familiar with in their old age but words of wisdom have always been a great gift!
Being needy like this always feels horrible, both to deliver, and those on the receiving end.
Whenever we begin a relationship with a need to have the other person fill some gap we have in our lives ( such as lack of self love) there will be disharmony, as it is dishonoring for both people involved.
Oh yes I know this one, it is a hard one to cut, of not feeling full within yourself so needing someone else to fill you up or to feel complete. When we do this we are guaranteed to always bring issues into our relationships and never quite feel settled.
Self-worth and self-love along with self-nurturing are keys to forming relationships that will last with everyone we meet.
A beautiful transformation Samantha. In deepening a loving relationship with ourselves we do naturally bring love, who we are, to every relationship through which the opportunity to deepen our connection to love is offered, through openly and honestly sharing ourselves, being our selves. This is what true relationship is about; supporting each other to evolve in love.
This is a brilliant expose on a lack of self worth, how we feel about ourselves actually effects not only every single relationship we have but every single moment. What I am discovering is that it’s worth investing time into building an amazing relationship with yourself so that every moment is amazing and we are not relying on external sources to lift us up or make us feel great.
It is very correct in saying and worth being honest and aware about if you have any investments in a relationship. Those investments are usually made up of what you are not bringing to yourself and thus become hurts. The best medicine is appreciation for yourself to the endless degree . . .
This was very timely for me to read, I can feel that I have a need coming up of wanting to be in a relationship, but when I stop and surrender I can feel that going about it in this way, through a drive and a need, that I would then allow something that I don’t truly want. When I surrender more the need actually isn’t there and I am much more content within myself and allowing of things to happen.
Thank you Samantha for sharing your inspiring story. This is a gorgeous example of taking responsibility for what happens to us in life. Often we think it is easier to blame others but you did the opposite and started looking at your relationship with yourself, started healing your hurts and recognising the cause. A massive WOW to you for your commitment to love, to yourself and to being in a loving relationship.
” I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.” so true indeed Samantha it starts within us connecting to the love that is within into all aspects of our lives. Like you for a number of years I kept attracting the same type of relationships until one day I realised it was me who had to change, since after healing many hurts and taking more responsibility for my choices over time a beautiful man came into me life and we have these last 13 years grown and developed into a beautifully loving relationship.
‘I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need,’ This is awesome. There are thousands of books out there telling us what to do about our relationships and how can we ever expect a relationship to work if we are coming from a place of need for it makes us dependent from day one. Taking greater care of ourselves builds self-worth and self love and the need for anything outside diminishes and more love comes our way.
Reading this highlighted simply: Abuse stems from lack of love. Firstly within which is reflected in all other relationships. To change we have to address whats within first and not focus on whats outside of us. Thank you Samantha.
Thank you Samantha, always beautiful to read about the subtle yet very powerful effect that self-love can have on a person’s life. It is inspiring, and makes me feel that anything is possible.
Repeating the same mistakes in relationships seems to be something we specialise in. It might look different but the issue is largely the same. When this happens to me, it can take a while to realise it but it means that there is someone in me I haven’t been willing to face or a hurt I am hanging onto. Loving yourself first is a vital key to a loving relationship.
Truly magnificent indeed – without self-love, returning to our self-worth and seeing the depth of our innermost value – we are lost and living a life of loss of the most beautiful thing that there is – Love.
‘The deep pain I experienced in all my relationships was undoubtedly caused by the lack of love I had for myself.’
Samantha I think you’ve cracked (what is for many of us) the hard-to-crack relationship nut here! If we’re looking for love in all the wrong places (and in all the wrong ways) it’s because we’ve not yet learnt to truly value ourselves.
When the same thing happens over and over we have to be honest that we have a pattern – this is the first step to healing. The next step is to go for ground zero to deconstruct this pattern – and the only way to do that is to honestly admit why we do it, once that occurs the root cause is exposed the healing can naturally begin.
When we know that we are love then any loving relationship we have is an expansion of that love.
Being in a relationship that doesn’t come from a need is liberating for both parties. To choose to be in a relationship is very different to needing to be in one.
We were never taught that without self-love we will have no true relationships… but it is true
What a deeply inspiring blog Samantha. As I read it this morning I was struck by these words of wisdom;
“I now am fully aware that until we deal with our hurts we can never move on: we may get a new partner or we may move to another country, but the momentum is still there hidden, waiting to manifest itself again and again”.
Round and around we go if we do not deal with our unhelpful patterns.
“I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.” I think you just rendered all relationship advice books useless! What if it’s as simple as – the relationship we have with ourselves determines the relationship we will have with another?
Healing the patterns of my lack of loving behaviour towards myself continues to improve all my relationships. This has been a gradual process for me but I have recently been appreciating the fact that I am letting go of the judgement of myself that has sabotaged me for so long. I have been single for many years as I knew that I needed to work on my relationship with myself but it is only since being introduced to the Ageless Wisdom teachings that I have been given tools to heal my lack of self-worth and allow for the re-connection to my divine essence and the understanding that I have all that I need already within me.
Thank you Samantha for sharing a situation that is often true for many people in relationships. When we go into a relationship needing to be loved this is a sure set up for the many problems we have. When we learn that we are first the love that we need and come from our own self love the relationship has a foundation to build on and an opportunity to become a deeply loving and evolving relationship.
How many people brake up a relationship blaming the other and then move on to the next thinking that would be THE relationship where it all would be come true. Unfortunately, they take themselves with them to that new relationship. Same movie in a different theatre.
It is so true that we will always be looking for another to fill our need if we don’t fully love and accept ourselves. This is a theme that has been big in my life too and when you don’t love yourself, if someone comes along who truly loves you-I have found that you won’t be able to accept it and will find a way through your lack of self worth to sabotage it.
The approach in making it all about the other person doesn’t work as you’ve clearly shared here! I too have experienced that it’s when I love myself more does more love grow in all other relationships.
How awesome it is to be shown time and time again that the way you were going about your relationships were not working, and that there could be another way to be with another. Quite often it seems like these messages given to us are lost and go unappreciated or ignored, but in this instance you were listening and evolving, and now have the benefit of understanding what was truly going on with all of your past relationships.
Why do we play games, with ourselves and with others? It’s like a form of distraction as it creates issues that we then have to ‘sort out’. I’ve been in relationships where this ‘sorting out’ seems like it’s healthy and we are working through stuff… but ultimately, we are making the issues in the first place to avoid deepening in the love we have for ourselves and sharing that with one another.
“I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.” This is great Samantha – for me what you are sharing regarding re-connecting to your-self worth and self-love is brilliant. It is advice we can possibly understand, appreciate and accept when presented by someone who is living this truth in their own life.
Great article Samantha. I have so much been in this pattern you describe. Boy oh boy did I work to make a relationship work. Of course it didn’t work, because I did not work on myself, loving myself, building a foundation of love in me, and making the relationship with me as the number one relationship to work on.
It is very easy to fall into the trap of being self-judgemental and fight those patterns and behaviours that we know don’t serve us when the best medicine is to simply commit to self-love as it is only with love that that which does not belong to the true nature that we are can be renounced and left behind creating space to live our full potential.
Thing is, when we are willing to step out of our own self-created drama, and actually take responsibility for the outplay of our patterns of behaviour, amazing things can occur. It takes awareness, diligence, and a lightness in the end, to actually bring our authentic self to a relationship with another – and then realise that there is no ‘end’ and no ‘fixed point’ to get to in a relationship. If the foundation we set is true, the potential is there to continually grow, learn and build upon the activity and expression of love together, that each person may be all that they are not only for their partner, but for all.
Words such as you’ve shared Samantha, are often said, but without the authenticity of them truly being claimed, without the authenticity of a true change having taken place… In your words here, the authenticity rings deeply true. We can indeed heal that which leads us to seek to be ‘completed by another’, and foster a rich and loving relationship with our own selves – from which, all of our ‘outer’ relationships are defined.
very simple and very powerful truth – without ” self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need”.
This is a beautiful blog, I don’t feel we take enough responsibility in what we bring from our end to a relationship, all our focus is on the other person and what they bring and whether they meet the mark, and we seem to forget that we have an equal part and an equal responsibility to play, this includes working on our stuff so we don’t bring things into the relationship that could destroy it or affect the other person.
Absolutely Samantha, it is key to heal our hurts and build a strong foundation of love for self, ‘ Choosing a greater level of love and care for myself worked magic in breaking past self-sabotaging momentums.’