Have you ever had a relationship that ended badly, then another relationship comes along and it ends badly as well? This did not happen to me just once, but a number of times!
After this happened to me the seventh time I had to be honest enough with myself to see that if I wanted to have a different outcome I didn’t just need good relationship advice, I needed to approach my relationships in a completely different way.
Most of my relationships lasted a couple of months if I was lucky. It was quite a familiar pattern – a guy would be interested in me and I in him, then the game would begin. Firstly he needed to prove to me how much he liked me and cared for me. If I felt that was enough and I liked him too, then we would get together. As soon as we were together I would become a bit obsessed, I would think of him all the time, lose myself in him and become a dedicated ‘I will put up with anything’ kind of lover. As you can imagine this put quite a lot of guys off! When they did lose interest this would leave me somehow more obsessed and more ‘into them’, which was quite distressing really.
With most of these failed relationships came an intense feeling of falling in love, then not long after would come the familiar feelings of hopelessness and a desperation to not lose the relationship.
Looking back I can see I had no regard for myself, I had many beliefs and ideals, which kept me locked in an emotional prison of how a relationship should be and how I should be within that. I had set unrealistic ideals and standards of what this should look like.
I realize now I was being shown time and time again that I had to look deeper into what I was creating. I could no longer deny the fact that I must be responsible in some way for attracting the same situation to develop and be repeated again and again – just with a different person. I could no longer play the victim; I had been offered the choice to see how I (yes I, no one else) was creating these repetitive heartbreaks.
I started to be really honest with myself as it was now becoming very obvious how my lack of self-worth was infiltrating and affecting many relationships in my life. Inspired by the love in which I was held during Esoteric Healing sessions I began to make changes to the way I lived. Choosing a greater level of love and care for myself worked magic in breaking past self-sabotaging momentums.
I now am fully aware that until we deal with our hurts we can never move on: we may get a new partner or we may move to another country, but the momentum is still there hidden, waiting to manifest itself again and again.
The deep pain I experienced in all my relationships was undoubtedly caused by the lack of love I had for myself. I realize now without a foundation of loving myself, all my relationships were destined to eventually crumble.
With lack of self-worth I was ultimately setting myself up time and time again to allow heartbreak and abuse. Through developing the love I now have for myself, for the lovely lady I am, I have healed huge wounds that kept me from developing loving relationships.
Now, as I have developed my own self-love and have faced the pain that I had held onto, I find myself in my longest ever relationship (now 4 years) and engaged to a beautiful man. We are both committed to being and bringing true love into our relationship – to deal with our stuff and to evolve together. Of course there have been rocky times and I am sure there may be a few more to come, but overall our foundation is strong and built with a love and truth that pulls us back when we are off track to constantly remind us of our truth.
With the inspiration I have received from Universal Medicine, its practitioners and the women’s groups held monthly in London, I have deepened my level of self-worth and this has had a positive effect on all my relationships, whether they be with family, colleagues, friends or my partner.
I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.
by Samantha, UK
Self-Worth: Honouring the Beautiful Woman I Am
It is as Simple as Loving Myself First
One of the greatest responsibilities we all hold is the relationship we have with our Love within. As we are all equal in Love, the degree of Love to which we surrender to within, is what determines the quality of the movements we share with the world that we are always in relationship with.
Nearly all relationship suffer from the problem of emotional manipulation to varying degrees – unspoken agreements, communication problems born from a lack of true honesty with what is really going on, silent wants not expressed. And the moment you do start to communicate all of these things in a relationship, the gloves come off, and it gets ugly a lot of the time, and the truth as to what is really going on gets buried. So how do you avoid this? To a certain extent, you can’t. Life is by no means perfect, and neither are relationships. A good start however is to realise that what lies underneath a lot of our relationship problems is the fact that we seeking something from another to compensate for what we refuse to give ourselves, and so when that need is not met – in whatever shape or form it comes by – we react. And the harsh truth is that whilst ever we impose our unspoken needs upon another, we cannot truly love them.
Kids have a great radar for feeling neediness in adults, as I have noticed on several occasions at my workplace. When a child has a strong sense of self and totally walks it, watching them in how they are with others that try to make them like them, you can see their whole body squirm and they want to get away from the person as that energy coming at them is very imposing.
A lack of self-worth is poison in the body and can then poison any relationship. When we realise we are all equal in our own expression we can learn to love ourselves and find true love with and for others.
This is great to read, and exposing to feel the truth of the relationship with others is a reflection of the relationship with ourself. Life is constantly showing us what we choose, and when we don’t like it, we are the only ones to change it.
The shock of experiencing an uncomfortable situation twice or more often is a great ally in healing. Slowly but surely I can become aware of the fact that I am the creator of my issues and take steps for true change.
Samantha this is awesome to read. I’ve had such a dodgy track record of relationships because of my lack of self-love – some may have looked good from afar or on paper but they were based on a need to need the other person and vice versa. So important to be honest about this else the pattern just repeats in more sophisticated forms.
This is really eye opening Samantha – and your honesty is profound. Getting into a relationship just because someone is showing care is something I feel many women, including myself, get into out of want and need to fulfil something in ourselves. Evolving with self-love and nurturing first, to deal with the self-worth stuff we are choosing to be in and come from a place of solidness when starting a relationship feels like a much more loving foundation and one that I look forward to experiencing.
Hello Samantha and it’s interesting when you say, “Have you ever had a relationship that ended badly, then another relationship comes along and it ends badly as well? This did not happen to me just once, but a number of times!” I have experienced this and now realise that when this happens we are always holding onto hope that at some point ‘Mr or Mrs Right’ will come along and fit perfectly in with how we are. We don’t stop and bring awareness to the fact that maybe we need to make a change, there is no self reflection. It’s becomes about getting over it and then waiting for the next one, the ‘right’ one. As you are saying this is a point for us to reflect on how we are, how we have been, how we feel. It’s more than just the devastation of the emotion we may feel and more of a question to ourselves of what am I being shown here. It’s not a blame game either way but a building of awareness around how you or we were and how it felt. It can almost feel like we are going around in circles and if this is the feeling than keep asking the questions. Don’t look for better or right but look to be aware of what is really happening.
‘I started to be really honest with myself as it was now becoming very obvious how my lack of self-worth was infiltrating and affecting many relationships in my life.’ a great observation that brings the ball back into our court, as everything is only a reflection.
I think we need a globally different approach to relationships. Relationships have become about filling our needs and somebody else’s needs and ‘completing’ each other, or becoming someone’s ‘other half.’ We’re missing out on the richness and beauty that’s on offer when we first build a true and long-lasting relationship with ourselves, then we share that magnificence with another person.
Thank you Samantha, beautiful to read about your return to self loving and self care. Our lives are the result of our choices, and by choosing true love for ourselves by healing our hurts, loving relationship are possible.
This is gold Samantha and a great support for anyone who is experiencing similar patterns in relationships. To develop a strong foundation of love and respect for ourselves any abuse or disregard sticks out a mile and we no longer settle for less. Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine presentations have been key to supporting me to build this quality into my life and live free of abusive and dysfunctional relationships.
Its only when we take responsibility for the repeating patterns in our lives and stop blaming others that we realise we hold the key to our joy inside. No need to look elsewhere, just a need to stop for a moment and be honest with ourselves so the healing can begin.
Thanks Samantha for revealing some very valid points in regard to relationships, the main one being you have to treat yourself with love before anybody else will
‘Choosing a greater level of love and care for myself worked magic in breaking past self-sabotaging momentums.’ In a way it is super simple when we stop looking outside of ourselves and start looking within and find out what love truly is about, life changes and we learn to be responsible for what keeps us from loving and caring for ourselves.
Without doubt I can now see how I created my own relationship unhappiness, I spent years blaming, now to the best of my ability I look first to my part in what ever is playing out this way I remain open and willing to learn.
Having recently married my partner and feeling totally blessed to be in such a loving evolving relationship I can honestly say none of this would have been possible if I had not developed a certain level of self love within me first . The more I deepen within and my connection to who I really am the deeper and more profound my relationship will be.
I can relate to what you have shared here- as soon as you need another to be something for you it puts a demand and pressure on the relationship that then leads to a tension.
it is s game so many play, but getting self worth from someone else will never work. It is About truly seeing this and feel that we can love ourselves, letting go of the hurt and feel the amazing being we are.
I wish we were taught this stuff early on in life – that it’s the hurts we haven’t healed which attract the same patterns in relationships, in jobs, in life generally, time and again – until we eventually, finally get it. Thanks, Samantha, for shedding light on the momentum we create for ourselves when we don’t address the true cause of our relationship woes – that it’s the relationship with ourselves that requires the attention and needs to be our starting point.
I loved your story Samantha, amazing how simply learning to bring self love and self care into our lives, taking responsibility for our choices and being open to heal our hurts, is the true medicine that opens us up to a deeper relationship with ourselves and others.
Sometimes I find that just by thinking that who I am is not enough, that I have to do or be a certain way, can cause a feeling of great hurt inside of myself. It is a rejection of who I am from the core of who I am. By allowing myself to simply be and knowing that this is enough, is actually very liberating and so any prospect of a relationship feels more like a sharing rather than another thing I am setting myself up to fail at.
So true Monica and if you think of the current state of society you can clearly see that nearly everyone is searching for love yet are not willing to look first for it in themselves. – so crazy when you look at how absurd it is, how something we naturally are (love) is so easily forgotten and used away leaving us in the illusion that another can give it to us.
Yes thanks Kevin, there have been times where I had convinced myself that most men where just down right horrid, yet this was in truth a real lie and a lie I brought into so I didn’t have to take responsibility for the part I was playing.
This was also a sentence that jumped out for me as well Sue and it is great relationship advice. Having finally realised that I gave away myself in all relationships simply to fill the emptiness I could feel inside, I have been able to begin a new chapter in my life; one that starts with me learning to love me – the most important and precious relationship of all.
A large portion of the human race has always been looking for love in all the wrong places. Great that you had the willingness, Samantha to look truthfully at yourself for the reasons your relationships weren’t working instead of playing the victim and seeing all men as just evil and then forming a loving relationship with yourself so that your current relationship had something solid to spout from.
Without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need. This is very true Samantha, we try so hard to be liked, recognised and accepted to fill the void, but all that trying to hang onto so called love, is like sand through a sieve as there is no love to fill the gaps and hence why we are constantly having to return to those unloving choices.
Beautiful Samantha, I love your reflections on what was happening for you and the choice you made to ‘get’ honest. Your last line sums it all up for me – ‘I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works’. Thank you for sharing.
This is truly beautiful to read again, and see that all that is needed is love for myself, there is indeed no point in searching for it outside ourself. As it will never fulfill that which we miss, as that actually is ourselves, no one else. Building this love is building a most steady foundation for all that is to come.
Well said benkt “Building this love is building a most steady foundation for all that is to come.” with out this initial foundation we are subject to life’s ups and down’s never truly knowing our own inner power and the gifts we can bring to any relationship. When we are love we cannot not be that with everyone we meet.
I just loved reading your blog Samantha, where you are now in a deeply self loving relationship with you and your partner. “We are both committed to being and bringing true love into our relationship – to deal with our stuff and to evolve together.” Beautiful, thank you for sharing.
This is a great blog Samantha – everything starts with us and the deeper we go with our own choices re self-love and self-nurture all of our relationships reap the benefits. “Choosing a greater level of love and care for myself worked magic in breaking past self-sabotaging momentums.” I totally agree with your words here and over time have noticed how I have released some unloving patterns from my life – the Esoteric Healing Modalities have been such a huge support in this regard also.
Yes Shelly there is nothing like it when it comes to Esoteric Healing Modalities, before these I had tried a number of different therapies – massage, kinesiology, reiki yet none of these went near the topic of my own responsibility and what I was in fact creating. Some of the modalities I tried actually encouraged the blaming of others I can now see how un-evolutionary this is and how the very emotion of blame is poison in the body.
Being in a relationship where there is a commitment to developing self-worth and self-love by both partners is magical. It is the key to bringing true Love through a deep appreciation of the beauty within and expressed by each other through first knowing this from yourself. The opportunity to heal old hurts and change harmful patterns of behaviour is to be grasped with both hands (gently!). Thank you Samantha.
I love the way you express Michael, you are so beautiful….
“I didn’t need good relationship advice – I simply realized that without self-worth and self-love I will always be looking for others to fill my need, which ultimately never truly works.”
This this is such an important point you make. For any true relationship to work it starts with us loving , accepting and appreciating ourselves, and also dealing with our childhood hurts.
It amazes me Linda how growing up there was no inspirational children books that promoted and inspired self love and self care, many of the fairytales I read where all about looking beautiful and getting a prince no wonder there is so many failed relationships in this world, we forgot what real love was.
I have recently been blown away by the books published by Sunlight Publishing, these are refreshingly beautiful children books which hold the beautiful and most necessary message of self love. I thoroughly recommend them for both children and adults alike. http://www.sunlightink.com
A lack of self-worth is crippling. If we do not value ourselves it is not surprising that others feel that about us. Developing a deep sense of self-love and self-worth is a game changer in every relationship we have with ourselves and others as we re-connect to our inner beauty.
I realize more and more that self love is the most important thing in relationships, as this love and honesty to ourself does provide the possibility to be this with someone else to.
I have had whirlwind romances that swept me off my feet, but they never felt real and there was always a volatile and brittle quality to them. After a few years of developing a relationship with myself, I can now feel that there is no need for a partner whatsoever and it feels very freeing not be constantly on the look out for a potential mate.
Thank you Samantha you make some great points in your blog – it does seem a bit ironic that in order to have a great relationship we need to development a great relationship with ourselves first – this turns everything we know about relationships on it’s head, especially as we expect and rely so much on another delivering us the perfect ideal and believe of what a successful relationship should be. I know I have done this in the past and then blamed the other when things don’t turn out the way I expected them to and then find out that we both had totally different pictures of what we wanted our life to be like. Now like you I am finding that when I appreciate myself I am more likely to appreciated my partner, which is then reciprocated.
“When I appreciate myself I am more likely to appreciate my partner, which is then reciprocated.” So so true Julie when we appreciate ourselves and others it spreads and is a sure fire way to bring more real love into our lives and to the lives of those around us.
I enjoyed the blog Samantha, when I became involved with Universal Medicine one of the first things I recall being said to me by a practitioner was that I must learn to love myself before anybody else can love me. How true.
Thank you Joe, yes this is fundamental to any relationship. Though the more I understand this the more sad and shocked I feel this is not the norm for our society or is not taught in our education.
Education needs to be about life and our relationship with ourselves and all others not just a matter of repeating knowledge, we need to understand how important it is to deeply love and care for ourselves, without this nothing else matters.