I was out for dinner recently with work colleagues and was asked ”How are your kids going?” This was a wonderful opportunity for me to reflect on where my kids were at, and what measure I was using to assess this. As parents we are so often asked about how our kids are doing – it’s a standard question when people interact – and if we have favourable responses, we can assure ourselves that all is well.
My Road Map into Parenting My Kids…
I know when I first began my road into parenting I was sure I knew what and how I wanted my kids to be. I had visions of top school reports, assuring me that my choices of private schools would pay off. If my kids then made it into university and into a stable career path that would also assure me that they were doing well. At some point, I imagined they would find a suitable partner and settle down.
Nowhere in this map was any consideration about how much they liked themselves, or how suited they were to a chosen career path, or if their relationships were about truth and love and growth – FIRST.
Approximately seven years ago, Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine came into my life and I began to re-evaluate all my notions of success in all areas of my life, and that included my kids. They had been my main focus as I was heavily entrenched in the role of being a mother at that time. I realised that I had been relying on formulas instead of actually feeling what was right in every moment. There was much to re-consider.
One of the first things I really let go of was the idea that the ‘right school’ would make or break it for the kids. I realised that my attitude, that the ‘perfect school’ would take care of everything, had allowed me to subconsciously lessen the responsibility I had as a parent. I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.
In the past I had a tendency to look to the school’s assessment of academic success as a major yardstick by which to judge if my kids were doing ok, even though I knew from observing many highly academic relatives, school mates and work colleagues, that academic high achievement does not guarantee harmony in relationships, nor does it guarantee happiness and fulfillment.
I also used to think that the most important thing was a high paying job, irrespective of HOW the person was IN that job, and HOW they got there. This is the same sort of thinking that allows students to stay up late studying on copious amounts of coffee or other stimulating drugs if need be, just to get through exams, only to crash afterwards with exhaustion. How can this be a true way to prepare for adult working life?
Taking Responsibility and Showing My Kids Self-Love through Choice
As I decreased my reliance on the school to provide anything other than basic tools and skills for life, I consciously took responsibility to live a deeper quality at home by way of treating myself with love, care and respect. I showed by my own choices that my body was worthy of respect – I no longer chose to put things into it that were not honouring or supportive of my body.
As I began to feel the true effects of eating certain foods, I began removing them from my diet. I no longer have alcohol, caffeine, gluten and dairy or excess sugar, and I feel so much lighter and more vital.
I give my kids the opportunity to eat gluten and dairy free foods and see for themselves how those foods feel in their own bodies. They may not be wanting to commit to these dietary choices for themselves completely, but at least they know they have a choice.
I often have early nights and I encourage my children to feel if their bodies ask them to do the same. They don’t always choose this, but they are seeing me listening to my body.
I have been working on my inner stillness and calm: from this vantage point I can see and feel what’s going on for the kids more clearly than ever before.
I can see clearly and get a sense of:
- How they are when around certain friends; who they can be themselves with and which ones they change for and why, and I often share what I observe with them. It helps them see what’s going on too, and how it feels
- How being at school all day affects them. How they are after school and how to support them to let go of the day
- How preparing themselves lovingly and allowing enough time without any need to rush in the morning helps them navigate their day at school
- When they need support due to any overwhelm they may be feeling.
I observe it all and am relying on my inner wisdom to know when to intervene and when to let them sort life out for themselves.
So, in answer to the question, “How are your kids going?” I answered:
- My kids are looking at me more directly and connecting with me when we talk
- They tell me more about how they really feel in situations and with other people, including relatives, teachers and friends
- They will often notice that they feel different things from people, and how some things that others say and do feel right, and some do not
- I have impressed upon them the significance of honouring and paying attention to these feelings.
I recognise a variety of behaviours that show me where they are at:
- If they become quite reactive when I say no to something, then I know we have some sorting to do
- When they take responsibility for what’s going on in their lives, I know they are really learning and growing
- When they take extra care of themselves when tired and facing lots of pressures, I know they will handle whatever is coming – and if they need support they will have the strength to ask for it
- And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place.
Parenting Kids – Without Perfection, and Letting Go…
All of my kids have their own paths to take and their own choices ahead, but I know that if they continue to develop the stillness, self-reflection and self-love at their own pace within them, then all will be ok. That is the way I now parent; to reflect those qualities to my kids as consistently as I can. I admit, there is no perfection, I make plenty of mistakes still, but that’s ok. I trust the process.
I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality. This will in fact teach them more than anything, and help them with how they ‘are going’ in life.
My colleague said she felt incredibly inspired after talking with me. I can see why. . . it’s amazing how simple and fun parenting my kids can now be.
Inspired by the work of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.
By Felicity, Australia
Further Reading:
Mothering, Me and Serge Benhayon
Carrot Soup for Two – a Breakfast Date With My 7 Year Old
559 Comments
I would say generally across the globe that many parents, teachers and kids themselves see success on how much money they make, their job level and material wealth – as in certain jobs are better than others – and many look down on certain roles. Many people do not focus – by deliberate choice – to look how children are really doing, as in what is going on for them as a person and being, their mental, and energetic quality, right down to do they deeply care for and look after their body, with many abusive ways and behaviours being labelled and accepted as normal – because – this means the adult would have to look at their stuff and how they lived, cared for and looked after themselves – and for many this is too much – it exposes and reflects too many of the unloving choices people make and have made.
“I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality. This will in fact teach them more than anything, and help them with how they ‘are going’ in life.” Wow I just had this conversation with someone about children having their own path to walk and being a true role model. Children do as we do not as we say, in the main, by those unspoken things they observe everyday.
This is so beautiful because you allow your children the freedom to choose their own path, knowing that they will be taken care of in this way, because it is their life to explore and to learn within.
There cannot be pictures in parenting and that is the truly fun part when every moment it is about connection, observation and expression. Building the connection with ourselves first is crucial, a responsibility to reflect to our children as well as to everyone around. Very cool Felicity.
I love the fact that you say that parenting can be fun as these days we mostly see stressed out parents rather than parents who are enjoying their kids.
Great blog Felicity – I can see why your colleague would feel inspired. It is wonderful when we can let go of “ownership” of our children and each other and respect how every person is responsible for their choices. Our responsibility is equally to our choices, what quality we reflect, how we live and from that what we are able to offer the other.
Seems the best way to parent our kids is to first parent ourselves. If we are healthy, aware and harmonious within ourselves then we have that quality and example to reflect to our children – this is priceless beyond any expensive schools or other ideals we may have.
I can see why your colleague was inspired too Felicity – this blog is amazing. At first I thought ” I don’t have kids this blog is not for me” …. but I felt to read on and as I did I realised that you are giving us the key to true harmony in all relationships. Every time we choose to live a ‘role’ as a partner, a daughter, a worker, a mum or whatever we are shirking our responsibility to simply be ourselves and reflect love through loving choices.
Absolutely Leonne, and in a sense it relates to how we are with all others by this reflection. We can’t rescue others from their life, and sometimes it is loving to let people fall flat on their faces and learn life’s lessons, and just be there for them when they get up. If we try and throw a mattress under every fall we are delaying the ouch and the learning that is needed.
Beautiful Felicity, showing that true education is the way we parent our children at home, this is the most beneficial homework we can offer children. Attending school is learning to apply what we learn at home in the wider world.
Hello Felicity and having children is really no different to any other relationship. You look at the reflections and how you feel in the interactions and then bring awareness to the things that don’t feel great. As you are saying we bring awareness to how we are and then live that by way of inspiration for those around us. Children don’t ‘need’ us in the way we currently are with them as you are writing about Felicity and more often than not we are there as a support, a guide to simply bring them back to themselves or a solid point for them to step into the next moment. Children grow in many ways naturally that isn’t about what we have done and so it’s possible the more we can move ourselves out of parenting as we currently apply it the better it will be for all of us.
The thing about parenting, is that there is always this pressure to get everything right. And should your child not behave in the way that all your hard work dictates they should, then it is very possible to feel like a failure. Sometimes I loose sleep over how much I have let my children down with everything that I have not given to or shown them. But then I pull myself together and give myself the love that I have inside, and then parenting does not seem so hard and we simply become people living with eachother again, all free to make our own choices.
Awesome blog Felicity – very true how many parents focus on providing all the so-called ‘right’ things for their kids, like the best schools and getting them to excel in certain subjects or sports etc without even considering the quality of the children’s living environment or the quality of the relationships within the family – children benefit enormously from building this loving foundation.
The interesting thing is, often we try and parent kids – to ‘get it right’, because we don’t want to see our kids get hurt, but more often than not this is stunting a child’s growth – when we let people be who they are, thats when the true learning and fun begins.
There’s deep wisdom in this article, resetting the role of parenting to be about letting go of the ideals and images we have used for aeons, replacing them instead with simply letting our children be whilst we live in a way that, as much as we can, provides them with a reflection of responsibility for our choices in life.
Felicitas I love how you are parenting your kids: “. . . I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.” How many women are hiding in the role of being a mother – it is so refreshing to feel that there is another way of parenting – thank you so much for sharing this way that is really an inspiration for me.
I was recently shocked by some choices my son was making, I instantly made the situation in to a sign of my own failure as a parent, thinking that I had not given him enough love, that it was ultimately my fault that he was making those choices. But then I stopped and I considered the young man that he is, the strength in him, and the love that he has. And it occurred to me that he is simply exploring, and all he needed from me at that time was to confirm the enormous light in him, which I did.
Hi Felicity,
You make a great point here about how important the quality of home life is for children, well before what their schools and education environment offer.
I am sure there is always that concern of ‘oh what will the education system do’ – but from what you have shared I can really see the value of building a solid foundation for children so they always have this as a marker to make decisions that feel true to them.
We can’t control anyone or anyone’s choices – but we can continue to offer a loving reflection no matter what.
Thanks Felicity, and what I find is a very big part of parenting is being responsible enough for our own awareness so that we do not actually react… gosh if we can do this then it frees up so much in our families… there is much more of an opportunity for ‘blow-ups’ to simply dissolve when they are not reacted to.
The saying “being tied to mothers apron strings” came to mind as I read this inspirational sharing today. Because it is the complete opposite to that old saying of parents who can not let their children grow up responsibly. Possibly because they too had a very restricted and limited upbringing. In your words Felicity “Parenting kids – without perfection and letting go” that could be the title of a new book! It would be a top seller.
I feel it is very important as you have done Felicity to give our kids the choice when it comes to food and get them to feel for themselves, my daughter stopped eating cooked chips of her own accord and then ketchup and mayonnaise, things most kids would never usually stop.I suppose we are all a bit like kids really,in that if we see someone living by example it is so much easier to be inspired to follow suit if they are living truly so we can’t expect our kids to do stuff if we are not a living example of what is true.
And if any of them ask me for something but do not connect with me first, I know we need to get back to basics before any negotiations can take place. I love this line Felicity, as it should apply to all of our relationships. If we don’t come from the basics of, connecting to the person in full first, we need to take the time to do so out of respect and responsibility.
Perhaps it really is what we present to our children through the way we live that teaches them the most about life, as they are constantly observing and learning from us as their adults. But the crunch is to ask – who are we looking to to learn from and observe by their way of living?
I am in awe Felicity. The awareness I have gained in the power of knowing your self and putting in place self-loving practices and how they impact parenting is profound. This shows that if we are willing to be honest with ourselves and clear away the ‘stuff’ we tend to collect over the course of our lives then anything we take ourselves to will be easy. Beautiful blog – I would love to see blogs like this one in parenting manuals.
This article returned to me to day as I came to realise just how powerful being a role-model for our children actually is. how, as parents we cannot dictate their path and choices they make upon it, but we can leave an image or an impress with them that is there forever, so that there can always be the memory of the different choices available. Then, what they choose is purely an act of free will. Ultimately then, our children have to find their own way, and as much as we can offer a way, it is not always their way until they choose it for themselves. And in allowing these choices to just naturally be (with all of their consequences of course), we are again role-modelling for a very loving way of life.
A very inspiring blog Felicity, you offer parents a lot to think about. Amongst so many profound points I especially loved your realisation that you ” … had been relying on formulas instead of actually feeling what was right in every moment” for each child. For each child is a different, unique individual, and so how can we have a formula that works for all, except of course for supporting them to stay connected to themselves and guiding them on how to self-love and honour their own all knowing-ness.
This is so awesome to read, a true way of parenting, supporting your children to make choices for themselves and live in a way that is responsible for all that they are and do. Which I feel is the main thing for children to be taught, the knowing that we all have a responsibility in this world, for the quality of our own life, and in turn for everyone else’s.
Felicity what a great turn around in how you have seen the support that comes through parenting. Often the “controlling parents” are seen as the ones who have it all under wraps. What is not taken into account is the lack of connection that can come through for others. The result being not giving anyone the opportunity to learn and grow.
As of lately I have been amazed by how much the children in my life learn from the examples I set. For a long time I was judging them for certain behaviours, all the while knowing full-well that they were just following my lead, mapping out my footsteps for me to see, but I did not want to see this, I wanted to make it be all about them – i.e. not take responsibility. And then a certain change happened in my way of living and there are certain choices that I now make which are far more supportive, and as if by magic these beautiful children who have graced my life are making their own subtle yet deeply profound changes too, in their own time and without any pressure from me.
So beautiful Felicity that you are able to let go, realising that it is their path and karma to follow.
Whilst reading your blog this sentence really resonated with me; what a gift to your children.
“I have impressed upon them the significance of honouring and paying attention to these feelings”.
An inspiring article for all parents – and children Felicity. When children are offered a true foundation of love and support at home they have a deeper understanding of all the pressures that they meet at school and can learn how to deal with them. Children learn as much, if not more, from the home and parents than they do at school.
I like the way the basis of your relationship with your children is connection, respect and allowing the option of free will. An admireable way to parent kids
I agree Jo , very admirable.
‘I am also learning to let go; their path is their own. In so doing, I cannot have the excuse and hide in the role of the mother anymore, but simply live lovingly and honouring of myself first and then be with and parent my kids from that quality.’ I love this sentence Felicity and put my hand up to having fallen into the trap of hiding in the role as mother. It is certainly a work in progress for me, a rocky road but one now filled with moments of appreciation as I choose more and more to honour and cherish myself first.
I have been observing in myself and in my brother how we both have reacted in the past when our mum would go into a Mothering energy and even though it would be caring and supportive for us in many ways it would still be disempowering for the level of responsibility we know in our bodies that we are at the age to live and embrace all of the time. It feels like there is a gradual process of letting our children truly grow up and letting ourselves as parents give more and more true responsibility to them.
In this blog, Felicity talks about a way of parenting that, by reflection, gives children the opportunity to explore their own choices and the consequences of them. I love how this approach can take a lot of the pressure off the parent to be perfect, and gives a lot more space for the child to be their own person.
What an amazing reflection and inspiration you are for other parents Felicity. By being honest and making parenting about connection with your children first, they learn self loving ways from your own consistency and dedication to self.
The way of parenting you present here Felicity is amazing. I love the exposure of what I see in many families and that is that parents make it all about the results of the tests of their children, what they achieve etc. I understand this is not intentionally to hurt their kids in any way but I can see how this is very harming as it is not truly meeting the children first for who they are. I can see this sometimes in my relationships with other people as well, making it all about the things we do instead of how lovely it is to be together.
Clearly the way you have chosen to take responsibility for the way you are with yourself, developing a level of love, care and respect for yourself and making choices that honour you, are having an amazing affect in reflecting to your children another way of living responsibly. I love that you are feeling your way through parenting with this as your foundation and the quality this brings.
This is awesome Felicity and very inspiring. You have shown how important it is to have a relationship with kids and not gauge how they are by their school reports but to have intimacy and know each other really well. It would be amazing to have this support system in place while going through school which is difficult and challenging at times. One line that really stuck out to me was “How preparing themselves lovingly and allowing enough time without any need to rush in the morning helps them navigate their day at school” This is something I wish I had done wilst at school, because there are a lot of things to be aware of, so having the love in us when we go to school would greatly help us deal with everything that happens at school.
It would be great to see this blog in a widely distributed parenting magazine, for it offers an increased depth of awareness around taking more responsibility and the loving reflections we can choose to bring our children.
I love what you shared Felicity around not making the choice of school responsible for the well being of our children. I agree it’s often an easy way to not take responsibility as a parent and this brought my attention to ideals and beliefs I also carry in this area.
Thank you.
I have much respect for parents and the 24 hour commitment to themselves and their children they have signed up for. I feel this is a golden point you have raised Felicity
‘I began to understand that the quality of our home environment and how we interacted with each other was absolutely foundational for my kids’ development.’
As our home environment is often the foundation we are given to build a life for ourselves from… Quality Counts!
I agree Abby. All the teachers I know from my kids and many school teachers I have met for treatments, I know how overwhelming and stressful it is for them to be between the two layers of expectations. They are asked to fit into a time schedule to teach kids something they are not ready to learn because the pressure they feel and the reaction against this system. Sadly it is so that everyone plays this game with ignorance and self devastation. I see this cycle can be stopped when we as responsible parents are saying no to a system that is not supporting the love that we are. We can provide true support by living responsibly to that love we are inside of us together with our family at home, the best protection to live within this loveless system.