What do you do when someone close to you makes a choice that you feel is not true for them, but they are convinced it is? It could be with your partner, sibling, teenage son or daughter or a close friend. How do you handle that disagreement… with love?
We often see things as a choice between Right and Wrong, but there is also Truth.
The most loving thing we can do at any time is to express the Truth of what we feel, but it is not loving if our own expression is laced with our reaction to their choice, or with our need to maintain a good relationship, or simply with our need to avoid being hurt.
When we express an absolute truth with love, we are offering someone an opportunity to see things differently and move out of their comfort zone, but they may react if they feel they are being judged. The disagreement comes when they are convinced that their opinion is the absolute truth, because it’s what they have experienced in the past and therefore what they believe to be true.
So… how do we break the impasse?
If we compromise and hold back our expression to avoid a reaction, we are slipping back into our own comfort zone. We can numb ourselves to what is going on, ‘forget’ that we disagreed, and appear to support their choices just to be ‘nice,’ but that is not love. That is not supporting them to feel Truth and it does absolutely nothing for our evolution or theirs.
When we both are complicit in this game of ‘let’s pretend’ we are both denying Truth.
How can we change this?
We cannot draw on any outside sources because anything we say that comes from outside ourselves is purely mental and so can be argued with. We all have our own authority and inner knowing within our own bodies.
If we live in such a way that we are sensitive to what our body is feeling, then we can be aware of subtle shifts of energy that happen as situations arise, and we can express these. Sometimes we can sense what is going on in another person’s body that they may not be feeling for themselves at that time and we can choose to express what we have felt.
Before we say anything, we need to let go of the need to be ‘right’ and be open to all possibilities. We all learn things in our own time and everybody needs the space to make their own choices with no judgement, no attachment, and no pictures or ‘hope’ of a better outcome from us.
When we can offer a holding space for others, they have an opportunity to reconnect back to themselves and can make different choices in their own time. We can provide a loving reflection for them through the quality of the way we live more than any words we might say.
It’s not loving to hold back what we feel and if we do speak, it cannot be laced with any judgement or they may react, so we need to do our best to be sure we are well supported, well nourished, well rested and tender in our movements so that what we feel is a truth can be expressed and shared with the other.
Anything we express from emotions – with our own reaction or with judgement – is harming, not healing. If we are not totally connected to our body, our minds can go around and around in circles, working us into a state of mental chaos that we can’t see our way out of. We may then move into blaming the other person instead of feeling inside ourselves first and observing what is truly going on.
Instead of going around in circles, we could use more discernment with our expression: we are not perfect but we can learn from our experiences. If we don’t say anything, no-one learns anything, although sometimes it is more appropriate to say nothing and simply offer a loving space for people to work things out for themselves.
So, back to the original question of, “How do you handle a disagreement with love?”
The answer is simply to be in your body, feel what is there to be expressed, and feel if it needs to be expressed in that moment. Or we can stay respectfully silent and simply provide a tender, loving, holding space with no judgement while allowing the other to evolve in their own time.
By Carmel Reid, a student of life
Further Reading:
Having The Right to React?
Being Nice
Why Do I Do That?
120 Comments
Being with myself is something I’m so aware of as preparation for when I am with others or even just the next moment. I’m coming to know checking out, even just as a reward in the evening after a long day (just this phrase is trying to justify how deserved the check is) is not an option if I want to be responsive in life.
I have always felt that you cannot change other people you can only change yourself if we understand ourselves I feel we then have more understanding for where others are at without judgement this allows them the space to make their own choices good or bad.
Gosh this letting go of the need to be right in a disagreement is a big one!…and one I am definietly still working on but I like your tips here how we can do this and when I have done this it has made a huge difference to how the conversation ends up and whether it turns into a fight or not!
The need to be right closes down space to a suffocating opening. Recently someone said something to me that I categorically knew to be wrong and felt myself propelled into a mission of proving myself right. My whole body seemed committed to the cause of being right, it was an all consuming feeling and one that I could feel was very slamming of the other person. There was a hard edge to it and it fuelled the illusion of the ‘them and us mentality’, rather than the truth of brotherhood.
After reading your blog I can see when I react I am in a way disagreeing with where someone is at, as I have an expectation which is essentially imposing how I think things should be.
Some people may look at this and say it is impossible to handle a disagreement with love .. like when you disagree there is anger, hurt or upset etc but I know from experience of both that disagreeing with love is possible holding both myself and the other in love and as an equal. It’s pretty cool to do.
Yes a disagreement does not have to be a fight or conflict it is simply a moment when a consensus or agreement has not been reached. We can still respectfully disagree without any judgement, drama, emotion, blame or righteousness.
The most valuable couple of things I have learnt in relationships is to be responsible for your own feelings: 1) Do not blame another and deal with what hurts before you express, so therefore 2) Give yourself space to feel what hurts by giving another space. It is the greatest understanding to allow yourself to feel what is true for you. “We all have our own authority and inner knowing within our own bodies.” This is what power means to me — knowing your truth and not holding it back. . there is nothing more rewarding.
‘If we compromise and hold back our expression to avoid a reaction, we are slipping back into our own comfort zone. We can numb ourselves to what is going on, ‘forget’ that we disagreed, and appear to support their choices just to be ‘nice,’ but that is not love.’ In the fug of comfort it can be very hard to see the wood for the trees, as in my experience there is a lot of denial going on. I have found when I do this there is an unsettlement in the body, a discomfort that never quite goes away – a feeling of being disempowered, or of being in reaction. Dead give aways as to where I am at. However when I do connect to truth and love, suddenly everything falls into place as my choices become clear and I can read much better what is going on. In this observation I find I am much better placed to bring more love through and much more empowered to observe any reactions in another without taking it on.
Yes, allowing space for observation and understanding means we once again, have a choice to judge and go into the pattern of justification to prove ourselves right and another wrong, or to simply understand another persons’ perspective and where it is coming from with no need to change it.
“The most loving thing we can do at any time is to express the Truth of what we feel”, I have to say that I don’t agree with this, I actually believe that there are many, many times when the most loving thing to do is to actually keep quiet. That’s not to say that I’m advocating lying, but I certainly wouldn’t express the truth of what I feel at all times.
One could even say that simply holding someone in love and understanding while staying silent is also a form of expressing the Truth.
I feel that it is important to express the truth to ourselves even if it is not appropriate or the right time to express the truth to another in the moment if they are not ready to hear it. I am someone who has spent much of her life in denial of the truth of what I am feeling. Learning to honour myself and to honour what I am feeling by nominating it (to myself) has supported me so much in feeling more self empowered and at ease in the relationship I have with myself.
Yes – sometimes the most profound form of loving expression is to give someone the space to simply feel. When we can support another in this way to come to their own understanding and awareness the learning is far more powerful. When I have been supported in this way the learning has gone deeper than if someone had simply told me something, especially if I wasn’t ready to hear it.
Truth is always an offering, it is never an imposition.
“We often see things as a choice between Right and Wrong, but there is also Truth”. And the truth is both right and wrong are completely arbitrary concepts, there is no truth in either of them.
Carmel, this is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing this. This is one to read again and again.
I have found that when i hold back in expressing how I feel about something it does not solve anything but simply delays the inevitable and builds up a resentment or tension that eventually bursts out further down the line. So much better to have a go at saying how we feel at the time (without reaction or judgement) in the long run.
Words of practical wisdom on a subject common in everyday life. Thank you Carmel.
With Truth there is no right or wrong or judgment – to express it with love from our inner-heart takes practice and perseverance.
“When we express an absolute truth with love, we are offering someone an opportunity to see things differently and move out of their comfort zone” Truth expressed often shakes one’s comfort zone, which can feel threatening, yet if we are open to and willing to learn from what is being said it is always expansive and evolutionary.
This is really important for all to understand in that it is not loving for us to hold back in expressing how we feel HOWEVER and it is a huge HOWEVER how we express what we feel and how we are both with ourselves and the other person when expressing what we feel is super important, otherwise as you say, it then becomes harming instead of healing both for the person expressing and the person receiving this.
Super supportive blog Carmel. I am learning to stay in my stillness and read the situation and observe what the outplay is before speaking if needed- it is work in progress.
When we know a person isn’t ready or there’s nothing to say or add in a disagreement, lovingly remaining silent can be a holding response. This allows the other to be with themselves and reflect on what they have said or written.
Allowing another the space to reflect on their actions without adding to the discord is a truly loving response that can prevent a situation from escalating.
The essence of this is knowing that however another presents, what matters is not what they do, but how we respond. With willingness to hold another in space without judgement, we offer them an advance equal to our own.
“Anything we express from emotions – with our own reaction or with judgement – is harming, not healing” For me that is so true and therefore I am very aware of when to speak to others and how I speak to them. But sometimes I am so in reaction that I can not stop to express in that energy and so I have to deal afterwards with the harm I have produced in the body of the other and also in mine. That helped me more and more to not want to react anymore!
To simply allow another person to be is massive. It is something that so many of us struggle with, we constantly want to pull, push and mould people into certain positions dependant on our current view. A view I might add that changes considerably for most of us as we progress through life. This constant wanting and needing others to be somewhere where they’re not is quite absurd when you actually think about it and creates nothing but struggle for all parties involved. How much freer and easier it is to simply let go of the whole lot and just allow Life to be as it is. And this is not shirking responsibility by the way, far from it, it is simply surrendering to what is and allowing the what is to take it’s course unabated.
I watched someone last night be very indignant that she was right and argue with her husband who was equally demanding he was right. It was a minor issue that blew up into something much greater, it was interesting to observe how we can get so caught up in right or wrong. I witnessed something I have done many times in the past.
This was a lovely read, to understand that a disagreement can be an opportunity for deeper connection to the love we all are, thank you.
I agree John and indeed the whole of life is an opportunity “for deeper connection to the love we all are”, it’s just that most of the time we don’t take it. We skirt around on the surface, unconsciously resisting the opportunity to dive deeper into the belly of Life.
Great point you make here that in order to be steady and solid in our relationships and reduce those harmful reactions we need to support ourselves all the time throughout the day even all those little moments when we are not with others.
There may be many times throughout our day when we are technically not ‘with others’. But even if we live on a remote island off the top of Scotland we are all constantly in connection with others because there are actually no real dividing lines between us and the space all around us. Our eyes see the outline of things (including the outline of people) and we erroneously believe that everything is contained within the perimeter of that thing but it’s not true. We are all particles that bleed into everything else. One glorious mass of us all and all things. And that ‘mass’ is referred to by many as ‘God’.
Holding the space for someone without judgement is empowering and so inspiring when I have experienced it being applied to me. Having in the past often imposed my views on others, whether through speaking or body language, I am appreciating when I respond rather than react and what it reveals about how invested I am in certain situations where I still tend to react.
I agree I respond so much differently when someone presents something to me without judgement even if it is a challenge or difficult thing for me to hear.
“This blog makes so much sense. Spending time in our head and arguing from there serves no one. As you say Carmel “The answer is simply to be in your body,” Expressing from love – the only way…
Such timing. Just this very day I had a conversation with good friends, about ‘the elephant’ that had walked into the space of our friendship. I had been sitting in silence for a few weeks,, growing increasingly uncomfortable with my inability or unwillingness to speak about what was happening. I was aware that I was ‘afraid’ that there would be a reaction, someone would get their feelings hurt, the friendship might suffer a blow. So keeping quiet was my choice, until such time as being nice, ‘pretending’ started feeling worse than the risk of what being truthful might bring. We are still in process so I can’t report how it went but it was super supportive to read this article today.
When I start to ponder on how many of us prefer the ‘pretending’ (myself included) I would have to say that this pretty well sums up the majority. I have to agree with you Gayle – the keeping quiet starts to feel very uncomfortable as it begins to erode at my inner well being. The only way to go is to honestly express, hopefully without reaction, but even if it does elicit such a response in another the honest/direct/gentle expression of it leaves a whole lot more space in the body – inner well being in tact.
One has to look at oneself first before commentating upon another, as it always takes ‘two to tango’.
Sharing how you feel with no judgement, criticism or ‘soft soap’ gives another space to make their own choices.
This is such a great topic. In life it is so accepted to just express whatever we feel is right and the Truth from our perspective and we feel we have got the right to let people know our opinions and crush them if they don’t agree. But when we make it about love and care there is much more to consider than convincing someone of what we know is true, there is a true science to knowing when to say something and when not to say something. There is anyway much more conveyed by how we live than by what we say alone. Words can be false and as you called it ‘mental’ and have no truth in them from the person who is expressing them. I witnessed the other day a situation where someone apologised for getting angry at someone but the apology did not come with the energy of an apology, it was just words but it did not come with the person truly feeling how harmful the burst of anger had been to the other person and without seeing the mistake in that. It was great to observe this as it was obvious how the person who received this apology did not feel it and still went on with deciding to not be in contact with that person anymore as they did not want abuse.
So true L, we can say the words to comply with the etiquette but in energy are meaningless or better said empty.
Beautiful. None of us is the owner of truth. We all have the same access. Some are more allowing of it than others, but that does not nullify the fact. Letting go of this need for others to get it, and when to get it, liberate us all. I know this is not always easy.
A very supportive read. I know I shall read this many times and feel the wisdom that’s embodied here.
The moment we react, we have lost the connection and cannot in truth offer what is needed.
I agree Gabrielle, unless we are connected to ourselves and through that connection to ourselves streaming truth through our bodies then all we’re really streaming is chicken feed. And I know because I’ve spent a lifetime feeding chickens.
Reaction is the most common way many of us fall into when dealing with disagreements. Yet I’ve found when I stop, check in with myself about what I’m upset about, and create a bit of space before diving in with what I think ‘should’ be done, the heat is taken out of things. Thanks Carmel for raising this subject for our consideration.
Life as it is currently lived is absolutely chockers with disagreements, disagreements between couples, people, companies, institutions, states, nations and countries. There is a constant backdrop of disagreements. If we were to bring Carmel’s approach into these disagreements then we would be introducing love into all areas of our lives and that would change the world that we live in.
Carmel there is so much that I love about this article, it’s very concise, full of wisdom and relevant to us all are but a few of the things that I love This paragraph in particular really stood out to me “before we say anything, we need to let go of the need to be ‘right’ and be open to all possibilities. We all learn things in our own time and everybody needs the space to make their own choices with no judgement, no attachment, and no pictures or ‘hope’ of a better outcome from us”.
A great clear look at discussion and disagreement, Carmel. Once I would not have understood the different energies of reacting, responding or holding that are possible. Now I can also feel them quite differently in my body. If I slip up and start ‘telling’ or ‘reacting’, I immediately feel the shift in my body and it’s not pretty. Then I know I’ve dumped that energy on the other person! However when I stay with my own body, hold the space and really observe, it feels loving and yet grand beyond loving, for both bodies.
The key word here is love and doing this to the best of our ability without judgement, loving both ourselves and the other person and expressing how we feel. Something I am finding so much easier and so much lovelier to do rather than go into reaction, judgement or not saying anything at all. I am continually learning with this.
Beautifully shared, Carmel. As one who grew up in an argumentative home, considered this quite normal well into adulthood, it’s been a long road to relearning how to express from the authority of my own body and what I feel is true. It’s certainly something I’m still evolving but what has helped enormously is the reflection of others who do this so well. The more we each bring the love we are naturally, and to hold this with others with no judgement whatsoever, the more reflections that are out there – for all to feel and return to. Love this blog immensely.
Super blog Carmel. ‘Or we can stay respectfully silent and simply provide a tender, loving, holding space with no judgement while allowing the other to evolve in their own time.’ This isn’t something I have mastered yet but when others have practiced this on me I have felt totally honoured and loved.
Holding space – with loving understanding – something I too am learning, rather than reacting.