I had been a member of a few online dating sites for a few years, searching for Mr Right. I chatted to a number of men, but they weren’t Mr Right for me. I wanted a long-term relationship and was happy to be single if it wasn’t right.
I was single for a very long time.
Years ago I dated a lovely guy for a while: we’re still friends but overall I felt overwhelmed by the volume and type of responses on dating sites. It seems that many men say they are searching for love and intimacy but get that confused with ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am.’ I had settled for casual sex in the past, thinking it was better than nothing, but there lies the problem.
If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.
I hid my profile and only chatted to people I felt to. It solved my inbox problem and unless I went fishing, nothing happened. And nothing happened for years! I would get a few bites now and then, and sometimes the initial signs were good, only to find we weren’t compatible. You see, I don’t drink alcohol and I didn’t want to sleep with a stranger or send nude photos. While this was the game many a man wanted, I wasn’t going to change to fit in.
I felt like giving up on the whole online dating game and for a while I did. Long gone were the days where I would drink to not feel and to fit in, even though I hated the taste of alcohol and how it made me feel – and I was so over giving my body away just for a guy to like me. I have changed my ways and wasn’t going to settle like I did in the past.
On Dec 2016, I was scrolling through profiles wondering, “Why am I doing this again?,” but found a profile that caught my attention. I messaged this man and we started chatting.
I didn’t think he was Mr Right, but he seemed like a lovely person so I thought maybe a friend at least. We chatted for a few weeks and eventually met. After 3 dates, I was still not sure about him, and to be honest, was not sure he was interested in me because I was different: I am healthy, I go to bed early, I am a solo parent and I don’t go out partying. Surely this is too boring for a man. But it turns out, this was not a problem for my Mr Right.
A few things that I have learnt about relationships:
- First and foremost, if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are. Instead we can see how we can complement and inspire each other, and grow.
- I don’t have to rush anything – we don’t have to move in and live together for it to be a ‘good relationship.’ Although it is now a year later and the timing feels right.
- It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right, because the reality could well be better than the picture. When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised.
I have loved every moment of getting to know each other and as our relationship unfolds, I have opened up to the love we share. The more our relationship deepens, the more I see all my other relationships changing, family, friends and work colleagues and most of all, the relationship that I have with me.
And now I know from experience that internet dating does work! I found my Mr Right online and I absolutely adore him and our relationship.
Published with permission of my Mr Right
By Rosie Bason, Northern NSW
Further Reading:
Fairy-Tales – why a romantic relationship is so hard to find
Internet Dating – A Life Changing Experience
How to be safe dating online
Being in a relationship brings out the best of us and when we are looking for a True relationship the right person will be there when we are open and transparent in everything we do.
“I have loved every moment of getting to know each other and as our relationship unfolds, I have opened up to the love we share.” The more we open up to love the more we are offered.
How we develop our self in relationship with our essences / inner-most / Soul serves everyone we meet so dating on the net delivers so much more than a personal chat.
“The more our relationship deepens, the more I see all my other relationships changing, family, friends and work colleagues and most of all, the relationship that I have with me.” In discovering the beautiful woman you are an equally beautiful reflection is shown to you in your ‘Mr Right’.
Lifting ourselves out of the mundane way of living opens us to the glorious ways of universal intelligence and thus provides us by the Love that we innately are the naturalness to magnetically pull in what will serve humanity and in your case Rosie, the magnificence mister right.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.” Excellent advise. This is the kind of thing that should be brought up and taught in schools.
Its crazy how many relationships these days are not even built on common respect! I love it when you do see a couple who are reflecting to everyone not only respect but true love and true purpose.
This a lovely sharing Rosie, very inspiring, and yes to us setting standards we will not drop from, ‘If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’
This is fundamental in any relationship, ‘ if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are.’
To say ‘yes’ to Mr Right is a commitment not only to him or her but a commitment to self. Mr Right is also the perfect complement to support us to evolve although at times we may fight and challenge this truth.
From my experience of dating apps with friends and family members who have used them is that there seems to be an initial process of liking someone for their looks and then reading their profile afterwards. Gone are the days where you meet someone via a friend or a family member, hit it off and arrange another date.
I’ve started getting interested in online dating and what I enjoy about this blog is that you know yourself to the extent that your not willing to change to please another. I know this works as well because when I do change to please another I feel all gnarly and resentful and thats not a loving relationship.
Rosie, this is beautiful and inspiring, thank you for sharing. I love that you didn’t change yourself to make a man like you – that you stayed yourself and this was your standard.
I like the idea that we can complement each other in relationships, supporting each other to grow and deepen, then we avoid stagnating or agreeing to an arrangement where we do not challenge each other.
Having that solid relationship with ourselves is important. Because in all relationships stuff can come up. Stuff being our hurts, judgements, expectations etc. Me staying connected with me means I don’t get swept up into all those issues that get reawakened from the past or other stuff that gets in between me and another.
Love your story Rosie! Goes to show that when you put love first, physical difference and distinctions are not so important or the focus any more.
When we find a True relationship we will always endeavour to stay connected as we explore our natural-ways so we can both evolve.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want.” This truth of this line was a standout for me today. If we do this ( which we all do in our own ways ) then that is the standard that we set for ourselves or for others. If we raise the standard, then we raise it for all.
It is so true and has been my experience also that the standards we hold true for ourselves in how we honor our truth and the truth in our bodies become the foundations that all our relationships are developed with. When honoring love is at the heart of all our relationships we then establish standards that deeply honor who we are and our opportunity to evolve.
More and more it is becoming apparent to myself that the more I love me, unconditionally, the more I can offer true love to another.
How beautiful is this mister and misses right story, totally rocks away the illusion of how a relationship needs to be. How often have we fallen for beliefs, images and ideals and how often have they actually demaged us? Well definately alot. Time for change !
When we are ready and open heaven can not but plan for us to have truly loving evolving relationships.
It might sound like the dating app was responsible but when its a relationship based on true love – God always has his hand in too.
Thank you Rosie for giving us insight in what we are here to learn back again — live lovingly with an open heart, a truly open heart.
There have been some amazing relationships that originally met online, a possibility that 30 years ago simply didn’t exist.
It is great to be in online dating and not settling for less. We women have dropped our standards and are settling for company, someone to help with manual jobs, and generally fill the picture we have of what relationships should be. This picture limits us to much less than the love we all know in our hearts but perhaps have given up on finding.
Settling for less will always come with an unease that knows there’s more.
I love that first point you make about us having a solid foundation of us loving ourselves first and foremost. If we don’t have this then we are seeking and become needy of others to fill what we don’t have for ourselves. Having the space to just be who we are with out any impositions and expectations is such a refreshing way of having a relationship. What is fascinating is the amount of pictures that come flooding in on how we think things need to be.
The wonder of what is on offer between two people can’t be underestimated when you are willing to be open to what is possible.
When we are very clear with what it is we are looking for and offering in a relationship, when it does come along it may not appear as how we thought, but as time goes on the gold that is being offer will be uncovered.
There are so many hooks to finding Mr Right and, as you share here, if we are not in a relationship with ourselves we can so easily be hooked by needing a relationship which fills us up so we don’t feel that lack of relationship with ourselves any more.
It is beautiful that when we love ourselves and feel confident with ourselves, we can wait for the right man to come and we are willing to wait a long time if that is needed. This is how we can change the world of dating and relationships.
‘if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are’ this is key in any relationship wether it is with our partner, family members, friends etc.
I had a bit of a chuckle of the title Mr Right, as it is so true that we must be right and true in our relationship with ourselves and allow the same for others.
Setting standards is something we need to do for ourselves before we can actually hold this and express this. If it is not lived in our lives we will always find ourselves accepting less as there is no foundation of a living way.
I love your love story Rosie, many people lose themselves when searching for and meeting a partner, but as you have proved here, the only way to go is to stay collected to yourself and not compromise that solidness.
If you stay connected with yourself and present yourself as you truly are then the relationship starts on a much more solid footing than when each side has a relationship with the other’s image.
A woman who knows and lives her worth is deeply inspiring to men (and women) for this reflection is needed for everyone to live our worth deeper.
If we set the standard we want in a relationship and stick to this eventually we will meet a man who wants to honor this standard as you have Rosie… very inspiring.
A life of black and white, rights and wrongs, keeps us imprionsed in an internment camp of judgement and control. Acceptance, allowance and awareness lets us stay open and connected to the all.
When we are dating someone and not shying away of showing US, who we truly are- the best chances are, that you know very quickly if there is a potential in that constellation or not.
Open, honest communication is so important in any relationship. To not compromise our standards re how we expect to be treated as woman just to be liked/loved or get approval.
There is a great simplicity to this article which shows how simply you have approached this situation, and this is lovely because so often relationships are taken on with huge dramas and complications. But you have chosen a different way, a way that is honouring of you and all that you have built up in your life, which is what is supporting you to have such a beautiful relationship with yourself and your wonderful Mr Right.
Yes Shami, the simplicity really comes through doesn’t it and shows by lived example that we can feel so connected to each other without the anxiety, the worry about if you like each other or like like each other!!!
A very cute sharing of how we don’t need to get caught in the momentum of online dating. It seems people use online dating from a pictures only perspective – what does someone look like and can the fill my ideals of what I am looking for? But this sharing shows how we can approach dating in a very different way – without the ideals attached to it
Following your impulse, instead of searching for hours for a “fit”, is the key. The first one is heavenly the second one comes from a need. Every moment in life can be possibly be a place to meet someone that is divinely constellated. Question only is are you open to receive it or are you laced by ideals or pictures or needs.
Rosie, this feels really important; ‘If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’ Reading this I can feel if we do not feel that we deserve to be treated with care and respect and if we lower our standards, then our relationships are not all that they have the potential to be. This is not loving for us or for our partners and children and we reflect to the world that true love and respect, honesty and integrity are not important and even not possible.
It doesn’t pay to hold back nor does it work if we project on to the other what we think they want or think. These two things got in the way of the last potential relationship that was offered to me.
Yes this is poison. If we try to please while compromising ourselves it simply doesn’t work. Staying true to ourselves is the most important thing.
What I get from your blog Rosie is the importance of a) expressing ourselves, and b) going out into the world and forming relationships. It doesn’t have to be a partner relationship, but there are so many magic connections we can make if we put ourselves out there and simply talk with people.
Many people on internet dating sites are looking for the reflection of someone who would not compromise their integrity and are committed to true love.
Everything is a reflection of the love we allow for ourselves. So beautiful you knew Rosie that you were worth honouring this way.
Rosie, this is very beautiful; ‘if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are. Instead we can see how we can complement and inspire each other, and grow.’ If we were taught this as children – to not loose ourselves in relationships, then this would change the course of many relationships. There would then be the potential for true love in our relationships.
Yes ‘wooing’ is an interesting one. When one is being wooed there is a sense of manipulation. The person doing the wooing has an agenda and will do anything to achieve their goal no matter if it feels true to them or not. It is not respectful of themselves or the person being wooed. It suggests that anyone can be swayed if they are treated in this way and it relies on the person being flattered by this behaviour which feeds off lack of self-worth.
Remaining open and seeing where there can be potential and simply being all of who you are with another is super cool. What is even cooler is if we don’t compromise and settle for something that we totally know is not what is acceptable and make do with it because at least it is someone. I would rather be by myself than settle for anything that is not of the value that I am worth. Not that I expect the other person to jump through hoops, simply about respect, decency and love.
A very beautiful testament of how honouring ourselves deeply, our essence, the love we are, is what sets the foundation of developing honouring and evolving relationships all round. There is then no need to give ourselves away to ‘fit in’ as we already are ‘in’ with the grandest of love there is, as such can feel how held we are in the hands of God. True standards for true living. Thank you Rosie.
‘When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised.’ And there will be no judgement afterwards in case the expectations are not met and this is something to apply in all areas of our life.
‘When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised.’ This line is applicable to all aspects of life! Love it.
The building of a relationship between two people is set, guided and deepened by the relationship already had with our own selves first – self-love to love the person we’re with.
Women do have to set the standards in dating and relationships. If we accept less, then less we shall all have. Whereas if we set the standard in relationships, we all win and society can stop spiralling downwards.
Setting the standards we want for ourselves is fundamental if we are to have a relationship based on evolution. To often we let standards drop first with ourselves this then filters through to our relationships and we wonder why we are not getting the respect we want.
I just realised that we let our own standards drop, but then can want to blame the other but in fact we are the ones that let things drop in the first place.
This is what I have done a lot, expecting and wanting respect from someone else but not giving an ounce about myself and even pretending to not know what my standards were although there was an absolute boundary in the end about what I accepted or not but I did let it go far end so my needs would be full filled.
We are constantly dating quality. ‘Just enough’ takes us out for a few drinks, we might even move in with ‘’better’ but let’s make sure we marry ‘divinity’ for every other possibility is bound for divorce.
Oh yes! I love it when you write Joseph!
Rosie I love how you talked about ‘setting the standard’. This is something rarely spoken about. I remember when I was young I thought that certain things happened when you went out with a boy and I know I didn’t like something they did, but it never occurred to me at the time that I could say so. The way we set the standard is a great support for younger girls and women so that they can learn that its more than ok to not accept behaviour that they not feel comfortable with and they don’t have to do things, just to fit it. Not always an easy ask when someone is not solid with their own self-worth. But in knowing that by saying no (that doesn’t feel right for me) they are actually saying yes to themselves and building or even confirming there own self-worth.
Why is that as we grow up as girls, we are aware and strong enough to say NO. Even grown women struggle with it.
I agree Jennifer. Setting standards is all about women and men claiming their worth. It raises society, relationships and the wellbeing of the individual to not go against what feels true for them. For too long women especially have learnt to compromise.
Letting go of all and any pictures we’re holding about what our life should look and feel like, what we should be able to do etc frees us up and creates the space for life to happen through and around us – in a far greater and grander way than we could imagine. When we’re controlling and gripping onto our pictures so tightly, there’s no space for any of that magic to happen.
Oh yes, and magical it is when we do surrender!
I know the online dating experience can be overwhelming and have learned to make sure I keep to my own rhythm, to very openly and honestly communicate and to trust my feeling even if it does not seem to make sense. In that way it has been a great experience.
Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to us, but perhaps for the other person, they just needed to receive one email or even one comment from you which supports them to change course and we wouldn’t even know.
Rosie I love how you share the importance of letting go of pictures as too often this controls us and gets in the way of developing intimacy and a true connection with another.
Thanks, I am no expert on this, just being more and more aware of how I get caught by those pesky pictures and it seems that when I think I have conquered a bunch, there are a whole lot more!
This is awesome what you share about setting the standards. It is so important and responsible for us to know what is OK and what is not – to understand what is loving to our bodies and to not settle for less. Start as we mean to go on.
And what I have just realised is that as we grow and we develop more love for ourselves, so too do our standards change and need to be adjusted. They don’t have to be set in stone.
I agree, interestingly enough last year I didn’t think I was ready and my friend had reminded me that with all my studies and work I didn’t have time or space for a man in my life and then I met him and somehow there has been enough space and time for us to develop a relationship even though I have been very busy.
It is true for a relationship to be healthy and flourish we first need to build a healthy relationship with ourselves.
And to keep it healthy, we have to keep growing, both sides because if you don’t grow and expand then what is the point of being together?
The way of the world in the dating world has changed so much, long gone are the days of courting. I totally get what you are saying Rosie how we as women have to set the standards of not settling for anything less. If we are not settled within and have this love for ourselves then any slight pick up line for the wham bam thank you maam outcome just is so obvious. We call this out and say no to this level of disrespect. If we don’t adore ourselves then how can we have this from others?
Yes, its important to call it out rather than just ignore the guy because he may think that we want to hear that pick up line and if we let him know…. he will start to learn and possibly maybe not use it for the next woman he meets. You see, if we just turn our back on him, he won’t get the learning and nothing changes, but if we speak up, then he has a choice to do as he wishes with the gift of us expressing that we have just shared.
I replied to a guy on a dating site who approached me in a disrespectful way. I told him that his approach was disrespectful to all women. He replied trying to retract what he had said. He obviously learned something from that and he was shown a reflection that he was not used to.
That is so cool! Imagine if you had reacted and shut down and not said a thing. Then he wouldn’t learn and you would be hurt. It is so good when we are able to step back, not take it personally and share and express. Changes everything.
It’s an intricate balance when we enter into a relationship. We need to find a way of communicating and relating that is open to and respectful of the other person yet remaining true to ourselves and not giving ourselves away. A new relationship has the potential to change our life, but need not change who we are. Finding a way to allow each partner to be free enough to express themselves without judgement is so important, otherwise we can find ourselves bound by a whole set of principles and ideals of how we need to be in a relationship. Communication and honesty is the key.
Yes and with that communication what I feel is super important is the transparency, the ability to let another see you for who you really are, warts and all so that they get to know all of you and not just a part of you that you want to portray to the world.
“It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right,” Best advise ever Rosie – when we get lost on a perceived picture we miss out on the magic and love that life has in store for us.
Absolutely and what you may find is that your pictures can actually lead you astray or down the wrong path without you even realising.
Totally agree sam, this goes for not only people but everything in life.
Need is a real crippler as it leaves us open to accepting less than what we know deep inside is true. Goes with anything not just relationships. We sell ourselves out if we settle for anything less. And the world misses out on the fullness of our quality that we would otherwise offer without the need.
Yes its great to catch yourself in any form of neediness and stop that before it takes you even further away from what is true for you.
So well said Josh. And this highlights the importance of appreciating ourselves and what we have to offer. In this we are less likely to settle for anything less than we know we deserve or are capable of in any area of life.
Appreciating and setting standards is what I have found important. I have certain standards now that never existed in the past and they support me.
‘… to be honest, was not sure he was interested in me because I was different: I am healthy, I go to bed early, I am a solo parent and I don’t go out partying. Surely this is too boring for a man. But it turns out, this was not a problem for my Mr Right.’ Awesome Rosie, you stayed yourself, and that is the most gorgeous thing.
Its true, in the past I have done things to please and impress but then you have to keep up the false way until eventually it all is revealed.
That is in all relationships including the ones already solid. It is a constant ‘practice’ together to stay with oneself. When things shift within me, it will come out in the relationship. Either me or my partner will feel it, as it gives a little friction. I found out it is like polishing the diamond. We need this friction to shine deeper. Openness in communication and staying vulnerable help me.
Like anything, if we let it just sit it gets dusty, so we need to always look at ways to polish and shine more on our own and together.
“I don’t have to rush anything – we don’t have to move in and live together for it to be a ‘good relationship.’ Although it is now a year later and the timing feels right” – true Rosie, and when you know, you know… time become superfluous to the knowing.
Ah yes and sometimes we think we know and we are way off track and it doesn’t really matter, so long as we are open and learning along the way.
I was way off track in a relationship I had, and I didn’t admit this to myself at the time. Getting honest was very healing, but I did give myself a very hard time for going off track. This was more harmful than anything else. I have definitely learnt from the experience.
Ah yes, how we talk to ourselves and beat our selves up and re live the past over and over is very harmful, way more than we even realise.
When I was growing up and finding life miserable I made a promise to myself that when I grew up I would do everything to make my life perfect and happy. Part of what I thought that entailed was a perfect relationship (children were a part of the package too). I can see now how one dimensional all my dreams of what constituted success was and how I never measured up to them because they were so false. The pictures I was trying to achieve did not come from me and my inner wisdom; they were fed to me from all around but I made them my own. It’s wonderful to let go of all this – the promises I made also come from me and I am in no way indebted to them. Now I’m free to feel what is next for me to learn on my path of discovering who I am.
Sounds like the typical fairy tale that so many of us know all too well. It is great when we can be free of that!
What has occurred to me while reading your comment Karin is that we take on these ideals and beliefs and just run with them without questioning if they are true for us or not. A common example is that one day we will get married and have children but what if we don’t want children, then we are conflicted to the pressure of what we should and shouldn’t do, and all along it’s these false beliefs that we subscribe to.
We subscribe to the beliefs and carry them for years without questioning them or even realising that we abide by them.
True Julie, or we do not even allow ourselves to feel what is true for us and simply settle for that which is close enough to the picture we have adopted. Maybe this is a great contributor to the fact that we have so many failed relationships, the quest for the picture without feeling the content.
The relationship we have with ourselves is more important than we often realise. Everyday I am humbled by how as I deepen within myself, my relationships with everyone else get even more amazing.
It doesn’t work any other way… the more full our cup is, the more we have to share with others. There is nothing selfish about it and its so opposite what so many of us are brought up thinking.
It is gorgeous how when we choose to be open, bring our all without holding back the love that we are without pictures and expectations. There is always so much for us to learn and deepen with. Plus we are often pleasantly surprised with far more than we had even imagined.
Thanks for the wonderful reminder.
This applies to everything in life, not just relationships between two lovers. If we are open and don’t hold back, so much can come our way.
Feels horrible to be woo’d and given things to be bought with. So false and empty just with expectation rather than given with love.
Thats lovely, I was chatting with a friend who recently met a guy in person, after chatting online and she was saying how it was different because there was no excitement or butterflies and I remember when I met my Mr Right (lol) how I noticed how it didn’t have all the bells and whistles and this and that and that our connection was very simple and in that, I didn’t feel stressed or pushed or pulled in any one direction.
‘First and foremost, if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are. Instead we can see how we can complement and inspire each other, and grow.’ This is gold and something I’ve not lived – yet!
Ah yes, and there is no such thing as perfection as I find myself lost every now and then and the best thing is I can feel it so clearly and I know what I need to do to reconnect to who I am again!
In the past for me when entering a relationship there was a lot of anxiety and it all stemmed from a lack of love and an unsteady relationship with myself. I was then wanting the potential relationship to work out and wanted something from the other. Nowadays, like you, my relationship with myself has a loving, solid foundation which means I can’t actually settle for anything that doesn’t match my own love.
That is great isn’t it because anything less stands out so clearly you just know that that is a NO.
‘If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’ this is true and in fact most men are also yearning to be able to connect and be truly intimate but are caught in patterns of behaviour from protection and fear of rejection.
Great to hear this from a man’s point of view. When as women we hold our own standards we hold the standard for men too. “..most men are also yearning to be able to connect and be truly intimate…” So who do we think we are pleasing when we give men what we think they want?
Absolutely, and a lot of men think that this is what women want because it is what so many have settled for and it is what is portrayed in movies and online.
Yes this is true Michael and women often react to that and hold back because of where the men are at but its then like we are reacting to each other reactions rather than the true amazing person in front of us.
We can learn from each other, being open is key, letting go of mental constructs is key too, allowing yourself the space to feel you in whatever relationship you are in and to discard where you have created ways to sabotage being your true self! Dropping the bomb if needed, if that helps heal and deal with the false ways you had encountered and introduced.
So much we can learn from each other and it is not always comfortable but so much better to go there than to turn a blind eye and pretend we can’t feel what we can feel so obviously.
Reading this blog a second (or third?) time…I have to say that this sentence stands so true once again: “If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.” It is so totally about not allowing a compromise, but standing lovingly for what we know is true for us, and will always hence be true for another too.
The standards are what we honour in all situations and interactions. Why as women do we lower these when it comes to relationships with men?
Its not only in relationships with men, lets get honest women, we do it with work, family, friends too…. we twist and bend to please more often than we like to admit. We let our own standards drop regularly because we don’t value us.
“If we settle for less, that’s what men will think we want.” Very wise words Rosie and it shows how responsible we need to be in what we energetically put out and how we behave – actions speak louder than words.
I wish I had known this as a teenager!! But I didn’t or at least I didn’t live it like I do today.
It is beautiful to feel that the internet can be used for true love, connection, healing relationships and evolution.
Like everything, we can use it or abuse it. The choice is ours and even what sometimes appears to be okay on the surface is the absolute opposite so we must always be aware and not be fooled by a pretty picture or nice words that sound good.
Great observation. When talking with professionals in the field a lot of them have said the techniques used for exploiting and grooming are not dissimilar to the skills that they themselves use as workers – befriending, getting people to trust them, buying them food etc. Many who are exploited, and horribly abused, return to their abuser in the belief they are loved and cared for. Getting young people who are choosing to be exploited on side I’m seeing is about offering another way that isn’t schmoozing, then they get a clear choice.
Whenever I’ve tried to persuade a young person from not engaging in risky behaviours and going too far into a lifestyle they’d find hard to extricate themselves from, it’s never felt true to try to be cool and engaging, or entice with the offer of a free meal. It really is about living what I know to be a loving way and really appreciating how amazing this. All that other stuff I remember was once attracted to was all bright lights and excitement but it was so dark underneath.
It is scary how so many will accept the abuse because even the abuse as a form of attention is better than no attention at all.
‘If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’ This is so true. I was once watching a dating programme and there was one man was so disrespectful to his dates that the hosts were hoping the next date would tell him he couldn’t date her because of his behaviour so he’d learn how he was was unacceptable. She didn’t and I could see how, when we accept less, it becomes acceptable and the norm. I have certainly let my need not to be alone, not to be seen as odd and many other reasons get in the way of me saying actually that’s not ok when things have been disrespectful. Learning my worth has been the turning point.
It is hard to be the one that stands out from the crowd and says No… we fear the ridicule but when we do it, we get seen for doing what so many wanted to do but didn’t dare do. I have tried and tested this!
It’s great to take the time to get to know someone. Meeting on line gives us time to ask the questions that are important and gives us a chance to get a feel of the person. There is no harm in chatting, and we can practice being in relationship in this way, and work on expressing and claiming what is true for us.
Reality is, there is no harm in chatting offline too but from my experience, I always got excited and ahead of myself and made choices in the heat of the moment that didn’t support me later.
It is great that you did not go with the anyone can fill the need approach in finding a partner as it is not just about being with someone but being with someone who can truly be with us and support and love us for who we are and not is trying to make us in someone else.
This time around I didn’t go with the anyone but I have done so many times in the past and learnt from my experiences. and yes, it is super supportive to be with someone who accepts me just the way I am and has not tried to change me. So lovely.
The ideal of “Mr or Mrs Right” keeps us from appreciating the person in front of us. Often the perfect person for us to be in an intimate relationship is not what our mind tells us we ought to be with.
So true Elizabeth – it’s like we create a filter which stops us being truly open to what we are offered and then miss all that doesn’t fit through our own expectations.
Totally, my mind has got into some very tricky situations in the past and my eyes have led me astray!
I’ve craved a relationship for many years but am now transforming that to give myself the love, tender care and adoration that I have so desperately wanted to give to another.
That is gorgeous Michael
We all crave relationships, you are not alone in that Michael that is for sure.
Gosh there is going to be one lucky lady on the receiving end of what you have to share.
I’m right beside you Rosie it is all about us Women setting the standards that we all deserve and not settling for anything less. This also starts with our own relationship with ourselves as we can’t ask this of others if we are not choosing this ourselves for ourselves.
To ask another to bring to us what we don’t even do for ourselves is crazy, yet I have done it over and over again.
SO gorgeous to read and feel Rosie, thank you for sharing your Mr Right with us and for being open to letting more love in and letting more love out.
Thank you Jill. It really does feel beautiful when we open up and allow ourselves to feel the love we are and express and then to feel it coming back at us. So much better than fighting and resisting it!
What’s right or wrong is only a perception we put on ourselves, the external can only say so much. But what we feel inside when we are with someone, tells us if that feeling is true and if we want to keep nurturing it. This is the case for ourselves as well as for others in our lives too.
Rosie how inspiring to see that in this world were most people seek escape and relief in relationships you have shown how its possible to find those people that don’t, obvious really but it can seem so far-fetched in today’s society as personal abuse is rife and most of us have given up on love and instead seek out relief in relationships.
Yes if we hold ourselves and what is true for us we are open to meeting people who match our values. I have found that the more I claim myself in life the more things can move towards me. This is the same with relationships.
Reading a few of this style of dating articles the strong theme is our relationship with ourselves is what actually attracts people into our lives. Be it to learn more about ourselves and them or to heal what lays dormant or out of our awareness until the other points it out. Which is pretty cool. Or we can attract those that support us to be comfortably numb or prove to us our lack of self-worth. We are great reflections to each other.,
Pictures are the destroyer of constellations and potential in relationships.
Mr Right may well be the one that doesn’t fit our picture of what we feel is right for us. It seems this can be because we don’t truly know ourselves and also have a picture of ourselves that is not real and true. As we grow in deeper relationship with ourselves we can come to a new understanding about how a supportive and loving relationship can be and we find out that it is the quality of connection and inner integrity and love that matters, not the image or the picture.
Interesting the pictures we hold of how relationships should or conversely should not be and how they prevent true relationships from forming. So much can be learnt by allowing ourselves to become of the pictures we may hold.
It’s so awesome to read this Rosie, internet dating gets such a bad press often but it makes so much sense that it is how you are with it they will determine the relationships that occur as a result of meeting through this medium.
So true Vanessa. We do not have to log on and conform to how these sites are already running. We can log on and claim who we are and stand for our values and hold ourselves in that. A new imprint for these sites that is much needed.
I was chatting about this with some girl friends tonight… If we go online and tell guys, hey thats not how I want to be chatted up or spoken to they will realise that there is another way to interact with love and respect but if we just shut the door on them, how will they know.
Having a solid relationship with ourselves makes all the difference to any relationship because then we are not looking to the other person to fill the gaps for us. I know from my own experience I expected others to love me because I wouldn’t love myself.
I can relate Mary, I wanted someone to fill my gap and to love me more than I loved myself but it doesn’t work out that way. The more I love myself, the more I find others are loving me too and its so sweet.
I found my wife offline but that took five years and involved a lot of patience. The internet is causing a lot of harm but does make it easier to connect when we are ready for a relationship.
I love this statement “if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are” – how many times have we moulded ourselves to fit around others? Then the relationship is not built on truth and we are not presenting as truthful? There is something to ponder about this statement and would relationships breakdown if there was solid foundations from the beginning?
I love what you say about letting go of the pictures and realising that the reality is more amazing than we could possibly have imagined. A brilliant dissolution of the habit I have of forming ideals and expectations in my head.
“if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are”- the key to not just in regards relationships, but to all life too.
In a recent discussion with someone, they were telling me about how they met their partner online and the sense I strongly got was how we can sometimes settle for ‘better’ or ‘good’ – someone more loving than our previous partner, or just someone to make us feel less lonely, rather than actual love.
And haven’t we all done this at some point? I know I have many many times!
Maybe if everyone were as open and transparent as you have been Rosie, then the on-line-dating-game would be a different kettle of fish.
Good point Greg! There are so many games played both on and off line. Everyone presenting something that they are not. It can be hard to really get to know someone if they have a persona that they want you to get to know instead!
It is refreshing and restores your trust when you meet someone who is open and transparent with nothing to hide, and who doesn’t need to play games!
What a great blog busting the images we may have about dating or ideal partners we are constantly searching for. It is blogs like these that would be very supported on dating sites to read.
Yes, and to be patient and not to flit from person to person because there are always more available online.
I originally wrote this for a dating site where we met but they did not want to publish it as is…. so I found another way to publish it. I really didn’t want it to be changed so much and the wham bam thank you mam taken out!
Constellated in the stars ☺️?
It is great when we trust that inner knowing rather than listen to others, or go by what the status quo are doing. Sometimes to swim against the tide is hard, and even frowned upon but if you know, you know and the results speak loud and clear.
I agree with you now and agree, what is interesting is who they are, not what they do.
The best relationship advice I have ever received is that no matter what relationship we are in be it with our partner, father, brother, work colleague etc. it is always best that we let our heart not our head lead the way.
Absolutely, the head can be so complicated and the heart just knows.
I often say to myself these days, ‘let my heart lead the way’ and the practical application of this makes life super simple; decisions are not a struggle when I do this.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves”. Standards are everything and that standard is (self) love at the very basic level to grow into a deeper richer love where compromise on this love just isn’t a feature.
No place for compromise, no half way…It is or it isn’t.
I work with young people and reading this reflected on one conversation I had with a young woman at University who said if they (girls) set the standard high for dating and relationships then they will end up being single forever!!! This is sad that girls feel this way but what you have shown here is actually the exact opposite and by saying no to abuse and yes to honouring you and love you have met someone really lovely. This is definitely a story to share with others.
Yes I can see what the girls think… but my feeling is that they are under estimating them selves and the power we all have when we stand up for our own worth.
So beautifully said Rosie. Every woman needs to read and know this. I know that a previous partner of mine was disappointed when I didn’t hold myself in the way he knows I can. We don’t just set the standard for ourselves it’s for the men too and they are absolutely craving for this. We let everyone down if we give in.
That’s very true Vicky, especially at university where people are giving themselves away like free candy. It is so easy to go in a club and leave with somebody, especially if you’re a girl – and we do it, day in day out because we want somebody to show us the slightest sign of affection, to feel like somebody likes us, somebody sees something in us, when we ourselves do not even recognise it in our own selves.
” but they weren’t Mr Right for me. I wanted a long-term relationship and was happy to be single if it wasn’t right. ”
This is key and so important for when one accepts less they live less.
Absolutely and when we accept less, thats our choice… and the same if we love ourselves less, we can’t love another anymore than that. Yet…. when we develop the love with ourselves first we have so so much more to share.
We are the collective consciousness of God, how would it be, if, with every decision that we made we asked ourselves ‘would God be happy with this?”
You’ve raised an important and amazing point here Rosie – you simply cannot isolate one relationship away from all of the rest, because deepening one relationship has an impact on all others, and thus we need to a) give equal attention to all of the people in our lives but also b) see that the changes we make in a single relationship have ripples in many other areas.
Yes and this morning I was thinking about a spiders web, and how we are with one person affects the others that are in my web.
I like this – bringing attention and appreciation to the impact of changes any one relationship has on all our others. It is inspiring when we realise and see this and brings the gift of responsibility into our lives.
The greatest gift to bring to a relationship is to know and love ourselves.
…and be able to express this and hold it without giving ourselves away.
Yes, and we are never perfect either and its a lot to put onto someone in the way of expectation!
There is no Mr. Perfect. I like this perspective. It makes me realise how much of the image I have bought in to, the one about Mr. Right, which doesn’t ever really allow me to see the person, only their gender, and also it gives rise to criticism and damming thoughts for when the imperfections come to light, casting shadow and doubt over the relationship. When he was never perfect to begin with, as this was just a mental image made of smoke and mirrors that I subscribed to in the first place.
Internet dating is an interesting one. As you say it is like going fishing! You never know who you will find, and yes it is important to stay open. But whenever I have signed up to a dating site I have felt that perhaps I am taking myself off track from the way my life is unfolding naturally. By going looking I am not allowing things to constelate and come to me. I suppose the impulse to sign up to a site needs to be true, otherwise we are simply acting out of need and will end up way off track.
Going looking is also about being open. If you don’t look you don’t know. It doesn’t have to have a picture or end result, it is just being open and the way my internet dating happened was a complete constellation as I hadn’t looked on line for over 6 months and then I thought oh I will just have a look… eh voila.. I met him.
When we form any type of relationship weather it is with the right or wrong person, then if we are openly transparent in those relationships we are more than likely to have studied something in our-self that has brought about a form of learning or growing. So could it be we are always students just waiting for what is truly going to evolve us and there is only learning from everyone? Then we might just start to see that we can get along with everyone equally.
Yes I can relate to being that judging too and the interviewing and a million questions. Its great to become aware of it though!
For me it was not so soon and I had to learn the hard way… but its better late than never!
I love your top 3 tips for relationships Rosie. Know and love yourself first, have standards, don’t rush and don’t have expectations or a tick list that Mr. Right needs to meet. I am realising how imposing those tick lists are, and can make us too blind to the Mr. Right who may be there waiting to be noticed.
Ah! Yes! The tick list that finds its place in many areas of life not just searching for the potential partner!
Time to trash the TICK!
The health of our relationship with ourselves is directly related to the health and quality of our relationship with others.
Totally, it cannot not affect the other.
I love this blog and all you have shared Rosie, especially all the things you learned about relationships, the first learning being really potent: ‘if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are’. It is so important that we do no lose ourselves in a relationship, because at some point that will come up to bite you in the bum, possibly in the form of resentment to the other, but the resentment or annoyance is with oneself. And a possible break-up. All our relationships are reflections and can bring us many learnings about ourselves and where we are at and what we need to deepen or refine.
Yes the real annoyance is with ourselves because we let it happen. I know this one well.
Opening up to love and not settling for less wise words for us all. A beautiful sharing of the wisdom; that we can all connect with and allow in our lives for ourselves and hence our true relationships forever growing as we do in our online world today.
“The more our relationship deepens, the more I see all my other relationships changing, family, friends and work colleagues and most of all, the relationship that I have with me” – sounds like internet dating and the potential relationship that occurs as a result of it is a healing for relationships all round!!! Inspiring to feel this Rosie because most of the time we don’t clock the evolution happening inside us affecting the evolution of others that we are connected to in our lives.
Strange that people request a nude picture of someone whom they might be interested in – is it that there are things they don’t like about that person but will ‘put up with’ as long as – the body shape is sort of okay at least or better if lucky. A bit like advertising, really.
I am not sure Gabriele but I am told that this is how it works for the younger generation. Scary to me and not my choice.
This highlights the super important point about always being open to love, and not shutting down for any reason. Love has already won if we allow it.
“First and foremost, if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are. Instead we can see how we can complement and inspire each other, and grow.” So true Rosie without this attitude relationships grow stagnant and become about convince rather then true evolution.
I’m starting to realise that these standards you mention Rosie begin with me, and how I move, live and speak. When I accept things that aren’t true – it’s not surprising my relationships reflect that too. Right or wrong are out of bounds – it’s just a matter of making my choices full of me.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.” I like this invitation Rosie, thank you. Just back on the online dating scene so will take this invitation as I venture into this world.
Enjoy sharing yourself and letting others see what we as women really want. Don’t hold back or settle for less!
The standards we want and or should set can only come from the values we hold for ourselves and everyone equally.
This is very inspiring to read Rosie… “…if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are.” thank you for sharing.
Our relationship with ourselves is foundational … it affects every detail of our lives.
Yes and not just relationships but how we are in life, in work, down time, with our families and with others.
I get what you are sharing, and thanks for sharing so honestly Susan. I have experienced this myself but I have also had times where I have reacted to a situation and that reaction actually has nothing to do with the current situation but is an old hurt or behaviour that is playing out. X Y Z happens and then I respond by shutting down regardless of who I am with. It is great to feel which one is which and to break our cycles or ways that we react as it is not fair on who you are with now to respond how you used to.
I can feel how important it is to build our own standards for ourselves. Without these it is very easy to give ourselves away. Something to be aware of if we go ‘fishing’ on these sites.
Not just on these sites Rebecca but in work, in dating, in parenting… if we don’t have our standards or boundaries and self worth, we can be taken for a ride.
Building and deepening our relationship with ourselves, having care, honesty, respect, love and tenderness built into the way we treat ourselves, means we are more open and ready to be in love with someone else. I love the sweetness and common sense of this.
The best match is not necessarily what we expected or looked for. No wonder when we have all kinds of pictures, unresolved hurts, needs we have not taken care of ourselves that we project out and expect someone to meet, solve, cushion, fulfill etc. The right partner doesn´t need to meet these criteria and it may even be better if he/she doesn´t as it allows us to be truly met for who we are and not for the unresolved persona we have become.
Yes because all of that baggage, all of that unresolved stuff and the hurts are not who we are at all. Much better be real and who you are and be accepted for that.
What a beautiful sharing and understanding of “Mr Right” and the ways of internet dating and what we really want from a true connection appreciation and love for ourselves first as the only way forward.
When we let go of our perceptions of ‘Mr Right’ we open up the space for a beautiful relationship to unfold that is far beyond any expectation. Pictures impose a limit on what we are open to and to the fact that outside the picture there maybe something far beyond our human imagination.
So sure, sweet, simple and inspiring. Being open to love, uncomplicated by pictures of how thing should be, we can let things unfold for us without control and expectation… super cool. Thank you for sharing, Rosie.
I have been a relationship for some time and it is interesting to observe it in the context of this quote…”First and foremost, if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are.” The relationship has been through many stages, I was needy when it started, wanted to have something given to me rather than me bring myself in full to it. This is changing all the time and the fuller I live who I am the more rich the relationship is becoming.
Thats good to know and goes to show that even if you are needy or things are happening in your current relationship, you don’t have to give it up and start again but you can change and adjust in the one you are.
Having a solid relationship with ourselves is key. I know I’ve thrown myself into relationships asking my partner to provide the steadiness I’ve not provided myself. Whether I’m in a relationship with another or not the relationship with myself is always there to be developed as this is what I take to all my relationships. How important it is.
So really true Karin, the relationship with ourselves is key and fundamental. Even then when we are with another we need to first hold that relationship with ourselves as our key foundation then bring this to our partner, friends etc.. otherwise what are we actually bringing to them?
So true, we need to be our own anchor and be steady and not need another to bring us anything… then together we share but don’t come as a burden or impose on them in any way.
Yes and I really mean it, we ladies can’t complain or wish… we have to make the change, set the standards and inspire one another to hold them no matter what.
Absolutely accepting our adaptability with appreciation allows our awareness with the appropriate attention on being Self-Loving. This will accelerate every relationship so it will blossom.
I’ve tried online dating and it can be so overwhelming. It kind of feels like going shopping but for a person! Very strange. Hats off to you that you found someone through cyber space who feels right for you.
It is like shopping…. and you know when I go shopping online or in the store, food or clothes or whatever…. there are lots of things I would never choose but thats okay, I still go shopping and its a bit the same with internet dating.
Any picture we may hold will never match the reality we are in, actually, it will confine us into a little space we might feel safe with. While real life is abundant and spacious and there for us if we dare and are able to allow ourselves to open up for it.
‘The more our relationship deepens, the more I see all my other relationships changing, family, friends and work colleagues and most of all, the relationship that I have with me.’ Gorgeous Rosie, letting people in and showing all we truly are.
I agree, but when you scroll through a dating site and everyone drinks and writes about partying as things they do, I started to feel like an odd one out. But I don’t mind being an odd one out as stopping drinking, smoking and partying is the best thing I have ever done for myself.
You have made a good point Monica, how we are with others is how we are with us, and vice versa so if I find myself being critical with myself, I know that I am also critical with others or judging and it’s good to bring awareness to this as it’s not so nice to be on the receiving end of either.
Rosie, I like the fact that you put the Internet to great use through finding a partner on there. The Internet ought to be there to support us.
I do agree Elizabeth, everything in our lives should be there to support us, so internet too. But what I have found in this world is that everything that ever has been invented for the good, is or will be one day also be used for the bad.
Waiting for the ‘one’ in our lives means we miss out on the many relationships we’re offered every single day.
I am single Rosie and in love, with all the beautiful people I live and work with every day. My life is rich and fulfilled.
Beautiful, Kehinde. ‘Single and in love’ is re-writing the way we view relationships and love, thank you.
I know the feeling Kehinde because I too had this before I met this beautiful man and still have it today. So many loving relationships and I love the people I work with and the ones I interact with on here too.
There can be a lot of scariness in internet dating but that is also precisely why this is a place where we need women like yourself who honor and respect ourselves and our needs, so we are also the same with men. So internet dating can also be a place where there is respect and decency and true love.
Bringing the marker of what can be lived as this is so often what people are searching for yet feel is not available. Thank you for setting a new standard for many.
A very good point Adele. A dating site can be a place to practice claiming ourselves and setting our standards. And this is greatly needed on these sites as it is currently not the norm.
It will only be there if we are there demanding the respect and decency and not settling for less.
Thank you Rosie. It is lovely to have someone to adore, and especially when that person is you.
ah ha, and yeah I am so adorable!
When we lose ourselves in another’s feelings and needs we cannot bring ourselves fully to life.
Initially I find when this happens I have gone into helping them but really the best help and support we can be for another is to remain the love that we are and hold that steady then they can step up back to the love they too are. Otherwise we get lost ourselves.
Yes and there is no love in saving someone. Supporting them to be who they are and inspiring them is the only thing we can offer. The rest is up to them to do.
When I lost the ideal of there being a Mr Right, and equally Finding Mr Right.. i started to find me, and the love of myself that’s brought more enjoyment in my life than any previous partnership I had before in my younger years. It is today and with this true love that ‘Mr Right’ can be a possible Mr True : )
‘When I lost the ideal of there being a Mr Right, and equally Finding Mr Right..I started to find me’. I love this Zofia – finding ourselves in letting go of the pursuit of an ideal in finding someone else.
I’ve been in a relationship for years and I got a bit lost along the way as I was so focused on the pictures and expectations around being in a relationship. As soon has I let them go, it gave me space to truly appreciate my relationship so much more. I remember finding ‘Mr Right’ was my focus when I was single and I now realise it is such a false image that impacted on my past relationships.
Yep I agree Gill there is no such thing as ‘Mr Right’.
Yes, Rosie, a loving relationship with ourselves is key so we do not lose ourselves once we enter into a relationship with another. We can then experience the joy and inspiration of two people sharing the fullness of themselves and growing together.
Yes, two people who are not needy or imposing on each other, and comfortable in their own skin is beautiful indeed.
So many people settle for less just so that they do not have to be single so it is very refreshing to read Rosie how much you honoured yourself and did not settle for less but waited until the time was right and the right person for you came along.
I have had friends who have used dating sites and we have talked about it and often they do have inappropriate invitations to have relationships that just are not loving, but short term, sex and we are done. It is great to say that is not you, if in fact that is not you. Hold who you are, shine your light and if your Mr or Mrs Right is going to come along they will, they will complement you.
Yes and the more we do this, others who may have avoided the internet dating because of one bad experience may be more open to having another go.
‘if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are’. This is important for all women, to not lose ourselves in relationships, become empty vessels and/or relegate ourselves to pleasing our partners. Knowing who we are and having a strong and loving sense of self is inspiring.
Relegating ourselves to pleasing our partners has to be a thing of the past. It is not what we are here to do as women and we don’t have to follow in the footsteps of others.
‘So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves’ This caught my attention Rosie. We as women can be the change we want in our relationships, we can be leaders instead of followers. When we value and honour ourselves and not prepared to settle for less, we offer to men the basis of a true relationship, true, connection, honest, equal and respectful.
It is very beautiful to hear women speak like this; to realise that in honouring themselves they are honouring and embracing a quality in their lives that supports others and all their relationships. I am inspired.
Yes, it all begins with each and everyone of us valuing ourselves… and that goes for the men too.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want.” And then we use their stance to simply prove to ourselves that we ARE worth less – it is a self feeding false belief that runs until we start to know our true worth, and as you say Rosie, reset that standard.
I was struck by the lack of need that you had in seeking a partner – you did what supported you the most and went with the flow of things. A great reminder for all aspects of life, not just dating.
Oh don’t get me wrong Nick, I had needs and was needy and went through a whole array of emotions… but eventually gave it up and realised that I was amazing and enough and didn’t need a partner to make me anything that I wasn’t already… Now that is awesome even if I may say so myself!
What I love about this is that you did not hide away until you were not needy! You opened yourself to an experience and noticed your neediness. By observing this it changed. It is through life that we learn. No use holding ourselves back.
Yes, true…. it is only when you open up and go there that you start to feel all the barriers and things that you need to work on….but if you don’t even open up or consider it.. then you can’t be aware of what needs to be dealt with and there is no growth what so ever.
Very true Rosie. Your blog has inspired me to take a look online and use it as a way of learning how to hold myself in my interactions with men. As you say I can feel all the barriers and things I need to work on. It’s a great way of feeling all of this without diving in to a relationship head on. And I’m actually having a lot of fun!
You’re absolutely spot on when you talk about the problem being in that we accept casual sex as it’s ‘better than nothing’. It is what we accept that sets the standards of society.
And we often accept a lot less than what we are worth because we have little or no self worth.
Who are we waiting for to set the standards? When we are wanting or seeing the need for standards we are already well equipped to be the one who does it as we cannot miss something we don´t know. We are always the ones to take responsibility and put it into action the moment we are aware of what is required.
Awareness is the key because without it, we have no idea of what we are actually allowing and accepting.
Great sharing Rosie, there is a consciousness out there of what Mr Right is, I like how you share not to have a picture, as you could be pleasantly surprised by what unfolds.
It is amazing how often and how many pictures we have about things especially when it comes to partners – how they should be, their body shape and size, height, hair colour etc etc.. yet none of this really matters when you meet another for who they truly are. Something I found is the more you appreciate and value your partner and live lovingly with them the sexier they actually become and so your eyes can never get led astray by another as you have everything and more than you could have dreamed of. Then comes in how much are you accepting this?
Good point, there is so much more to a person than what your eyes see!
Rosie I really like reading your blogs they are so down to earth and honest. This one is no exception, I’m sure most of us have experienced settling for less in a relationship and I have come to an understanding for myself to feel this is possible because that’s all we feel we are worth. I have found that building self worth is a step towards honouring myself and not accepting less.
Thanks Mary, I just share what I learn as I learn it and hope that it inspires other too. We all have self worth issues on some level so it is important to look at this.
Appreciating ourselves as a woman that has much to offer another is important when dating, as this is what pulls another like minded or hearted partner towards us.
“if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are” – In so many relationships we chop and change ourselves to fit a mould of how we think we need to be or how the other person expects us to be, and what’s crazy is that a relationship then plays out between two very different versions of people than who we they/we really are.
Yes and then it becomes an issue when you are yourself and the other is wondering who you are and why it took them so long to meet this other version.
I searched and agonised for many years from about the age of 18 to find ‘the one’ .. before i came to finding the one in my mid 30’s; the one being myself.
I know right! Me too…. and it wasn’t until I got to know me that I realised how awesome I am and how I hadn’t been living that or sharing me with others either.
What a great reflection for the men on dating websites to meet women who are complete in themselves and have an abundance of love to share with the world.
Yeah, it just goes to show we need to be out there, in the world, not hiding or being afraid of internet dating!
What I love about this blog is the space you gave yourself in the process and the fact that you were not attached to the outcome of actually finding someone. And even when you did meet someone you were not in a rush to make it any particular thing or way. This space that we can give ourselves is incredibly liberating. We do not need to pressurize ourselves into anything. Taking the space to feel what is true before moving forward is a very loving act towards ourselves. Very different to rushing into something only to find that we need to find our way out of it.
Yes oh do I know the rushing and the effects of that. I have jumped way too fast into different relationships and situations in the past and then wondered how I got there… without taking responsibility for the fact that I made all the choices that got me there. It is beautiful to love myself enough to not put myself in those situations these days and not feel pressured by anyone or any belief.
What I have found is that when I have a picture of something and how I want it to be, when the reality turns out to be something different then there is always disappointment. Whereas when I have no picture, I so often get far more than we could have ever imagined, and more doors of opportunity open up all the time.
You are so right Rosie, it starts with us first. The more solid we are with ourselves, the more solid we can be with others and feel what is right/true for us.
To enjoy a true friendship with someone is paving the way to deepen the relationship and be in intimate relationship.
Thank you Rosie for sharing this gem of a blog.
It is so true that we set the standard… whatever our standard is, is what comes back to us.
If we have a loving relationship with ourselves then we will have loving relationships with others too.
I have been in relationships where I lose who I am, slowly morphing and changing to accommodate the partners I’ve had. This just leaves me feeling resentful, frustrated and even sad. But once I take responsibility for my choices it becomes clear I do not have to change who I am to be in a relationship, and I realise the only way for any relationship to evolve and grow is to be who I am in full.
Yes otherwise you both miss out.
Even Mr Wrong can be Mr Right when we are learning to say no to non loving behaviors, for that is exactly what the constellation is for at that point in time.
Yes when we let go of pictures and images, every Mr Wrong can be Mr Right. When we allow the truth to unfold and let go of un-loving behaviours, we all foster more loving behaviours to support our movements.
“I didn’t think he was Mr Right, but he seemed like a lovely person so I thought maybe a friend at least.’
And isn’t that what a true love relationship is about: foremost about being friends who dare to share who they really are and how they feel with each other.
And we are so open and honest that we have since discovered that he didn’t really like my hands when we met (I have old sailor hands that are quite rough so I get it) and I reacted to the fact that he sometimes doesn’t say much… and I like to talk… but hey if we had just judged each other on that we would have missed out on so much more.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.” – well said Rosie. It is in the compromise that we lower our standards and accept less than what we feel is true for us. And this happens easily when we do not value ourselves. As your blog shares, the more you begin to care and respect yourself as a woman, and value yourself, then the more you are able to feel what standard to set for yourself and this is what then brings so much more to your relationships with others. Amazing really – so simple.
Spot on Henrietta, this is what I have recently discovered, and it seems to all come back to not valuing myself when I settle for less in life.
And we really can’t blame anyone else for our own lack of value. We need to raise it and claim it.
‘…if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are’ This seems so key Rosie! How many of us lose ourselves in a relationship, making sure we do everything we can to comply or please our partner and not consider our own needs on an equal footing?
Yes Gill this is true, I have come to love and appreciate myself in ways I have never done before and I don’t actually need Mr Right to bring me anything, as I already have it all. Now all I do is share and celebrate this with him. Its great to not be needy in a relationship.
The stand out message for me in this is that we set the standards we accept in life, so if as you say Rosie, our standard is to give our body away just to be liked or feel desired, that’s the standard we will feel coming back to us. We can’t blame someone else for not raising the standard based on our expectations. We have sole responsibility for raising up the standards we accept from ourselves and others. Our choice.
“I found my Mr Right Online and we are Building our Relationship” – from your post i’d jostle ; ) that it wasn’t that you ended up finding your Mr Right.. but more so that it was he who found Miss Right – who was herself to begin with.
Yes, we actually get what we ask for whether we are consciously aware of it or not. Our relationships can reflect much about our relationship with ourselves.
This is a good point and I think he is awesome and that is cause he is reflecting my own awesomeness!
Hi Rosie, it’s so lovely when I hear about people who meet on the Internet and have successful relationships, it has happened for a few of my friends who are now happily married. I tried internet dating for a while and went for walks with a few men, but none of them really inspired me so I gave up. In the end I met a lovely man at an international event we were both attending and our relationship developed from there, with me moving to the other side of the planet to be with him. He didn’t tick any of my boxes at all, but there was something about him that my body just said a big “yes’ to. Trusting what I felt has proven to be true, we’ve been together a year now and, like you, our love deepens every day. The more I can let go of pictures about how our future will be and how I want him to be, the deeper we can go and the more accepting and loving I can be.
Yes its amazing what can unfold when we let go of the pictures! And if the love is there then the distance doesn’t matter and it can be quite easy to let go of where you live and make massive changes if it all feels right.
“to be honest, was not sure he was interested in me because I was different: I am healthy, I go to bed early, I am a solo parent and I don’t go out partying. Surely this is too boring for a man.” Not at all Rosie, I bet there is many a man who would dearly love to share his life with a woman who is deeply loving, self honouring, bright, sparky, consistent and open. What’s not to love!
I know that on one level, but then there is the pictures and the expectations and when you read a lot of the profiles that are written to catch your attention, and the messages back and forth about partying and doing this and that, there were times that I questioned how I live. Also, I did meet some guys who couldn’t handle the way I live and thats okay as to be honest, I couldn’t handle the way they lived either. Just different.
Agree entirely Jane. But also the article could equally just swop out the word ‘woman’ for ‘man’. We’re all doing it, all playing the same game, all selling ourselves short. Yes, men and women are different and do have different forms of expression – but ultimately we are the same, want the same, crave the same and are hurt the same by not living this. So, really, we should just get rid of this separative idea that men and women want different things from relationships and just all admit that we all come from love, are made of love, crave love and love love!!
Thanks Otto, it is true, it doesn’t matter what gender we are, we are all guilty for selling ourselves short!
Being with someone out of need is never going to be a happy ever after story. So getting it right with ourselves first is setting a solid foundation to build a fantastic relationship with another when the right person does come along.
I agree Kev, we need to start with building the foundation with our selves, the true loving relationship, only then when a true relationship presents itself you are ready to see it and welcome it.
Would love to hear “Mr.Right’s” version of events! I feel like there is so much misconception and fixed beliefs about what men want from a woman. Of course, there are many who pretend that they just want the ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am’ – but actually that is so far from the truth as in fact we are craving the true love, tenderness and intimacy that can be shared in a relationship with a woman. Any man who tells you different is just in protection and scared of ‘going there’. Which is why it’s so important that we men really express this, shout about it and claim it and show the joy of living it. So that these stereotypes are broken down so both sexes can stop circulating around each other in protection and us all just get on with the gorgeous loving that we all are!
Well said Otto. What has become known as the stereotypical behaviour of men is just, as you say, protection and it feels that this comes in trying to control how things are playing out and being in a certain role to not feel vulnerable to having hurts triggered. Women setting standards in the way described here is simply a beautiful allowance or permission for a man to be himself and let go of what is not of him (protection) if he feels ready and chooses to do so.
Whoa, it is so beautiful to hear you guys expressing!
Ah Otto! Your comment gives me goose bumps! We do need to hear this from men because it would support the women to stand steady and not bend or give into a false picture that they think the men want, when truth is, deep down inside the men don’t want but are too afraid to say it.
What I get from this blog and your story Rosie is the importance and support of that unwavering commitment to, and claiming of, who we are. It then becomes very simple. Gosh – the games I have played, bending and twisting myself to another…or, interestingly also in protection, to keep others away.
I can so relate to both the bending and the hiding behind my many walls of protection….pretending to be someone else rather than letting my true self be seen. And at what expense? It was a disaster not just for me but for those around me.
“So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.”
Rosie thank-you for sharing this accessible example of how the ripples of self-care, self-honour and self-respect, can found the values and standards that we know our worth to be.
Absolutely agree ladies, our relationships with ourselves is the key, that then ripples through all our relationships.
Thanks, Rosie. It is so clear to see and feel in this blog, the difference it can make when we approach dating or any aspect of life from a deeply loving relationship with ourselves first and foremost.
Janet great point, its how we approach things and the love and care we have for ourselves first that matters. I love how the quality we are with ourselves so clearly affects the quality of relationships we can build with others.
For a long time I approached dating from a deeply unloving relationship with myself and the result was a series of shallow relationships based on neediness and emotion. Now that my relationship with myself has deepened, it has taken all of my relationships deeper and almost completely done away with any neediness and emotion. The difference is stark.
Spot on Janet – so often we can point the finger and blame another in our relationship for it being stagnant or not like we would like it to be, and yet the answer lies within and with our relationship with ourselves.
Oh yeah, the pointing the finger game which really is just us avoiding us and trying to blame rather than take responsibility. We can only change our part and that is the only part that we are responsible for. Then is it up to all others to do their part!
There are so many different ways we can give ourselves over to another or to fit in society. The behaviours can be very subtle and become the norm unless we get honest and clock what is happening. I have come to realise that there is not one ounce of love towards another saying yes when my body and mind as one are saying no. Listening and responding to my body and what is true for me is love.
I love this Caroline – “Listening and responding to my body and what is true for me is love.” How beautiful…
Someone needs to set the standards for true intimacy as both men and women have lost orientation over the clichés and games and compromises we are exposed to and being part of, basically playing our roles without knowing any better. Although underneath we know better, but it takes something to stand against the tide of expectations, to develop trust, confidence and strength in standing for one´s inner knowing and truth, especially when not being understood or accepted, even seen as strange or difficult and or being attacked for it. One person offering a true way of being in relationship is enough to inspire another to also trust their inner knowing and give it a go, a couple showing a different way to the world may inspire other couples and so it goes on.
Alex, I completely agree “One person offering a true way of being in relationship is enough to inspire another to also trust their inner knowing and give it a go, a couple showing a different way to the world may inspire other couples and so it goes on.”
Alex, I love what you have written here….it takes something to stand against the tide of expectations, to develop trust, confidence and strength in standing for one´s inner knowing and truth, especially when not being understood or accepted, even seen as strange or difficult and or being attacked for it. What you share here is why so many give up on themselves and just go with the status quo so as to not seem strange or to be difficult. But when we do it regardless, and don’t worry about the attack and even when our friends and loved ones may be laughing or worried about us for going against societies norm that is when we really start to be like a light house, beaming our light showing others another way.
“I don’t have to rush anything” Such an important point. I ‘found’ my partner as well online and we wanted to meet very quickly (he lived on the other side of the world) yet we found out that we were rushing instead of just simply building a solid foundation of getting to know each other very well first to then from there move to meeting each other at the moment that was true for us, both financially and time wise. This taught me a lot about the importance of going step by step and making it about the connection we have and not about all the other outer ‘tic boxes’ of a good relationship.
Thats great Lieke, we can get so lost if our aim is just to tick boxes!
Rosie, thank you for sharing your experience of internet dating, I am sure this will inspire and support others in this situation, honouring ourselves and not settling for less feels key.
Rebecca as you say what Rosie shares here brings Internet dating out of the ‘taboo’ and into the love-light. I say that, as often I would think how can you meet someone and it be truly love online, today I realise that love is there to be had with everyone and when thats combined with what Rosie shares you see its more than possible to fall deeply in-love where-ever you meet.
Reality is though, we didn’t fall in love online… we met, we chatted, then we met in person and we took our time. It took a while for each of us to let our guards down and to get to know each other and open up. If you are looking for the romantic cinderella tale you may never find it.
This is beautiful and sometimes we have to wait. I had to wait 5 years (pre-internet dating) until we were both ready.
Love this ‘So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’ I am soooo with you here and setting it for our younger generation as well. And very cute and inspiring. Loving that you held the relationship you had built with yourself and said no to what is not love and how as this relationship is blossoming so are all your others ✨
We miss so much of what is provided for us because we rule out so many possibilities, based on the fact that they don’t fit the picture of what we are holding onto so tightly in our clenched hands.
As someone who has internet dated in the past, and has recently resumed, this was a timely read, especially this line – “When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised.” I will keep you posted 🙂
Yes, very interested to hear more.
We all want to read your blog about it too Sarah and the most important part is that it doesn’t have to look any certain way… as there can be a lot to learn in each and every interaction and connection.
I loved what you said about expecting less so you are setting yourself up to receive less. Such a beautiful story Rosie.
I agree with you and can see how you can see a man and loose your way by getting hooked into him and his lifestyle and leave what is important to you and what has supported you to evolve to where you are today. So important to feel yourself and not leave that relationship with you just because you get caught up in a picture of someone else.
Yes its easy to not go back after one or two experiences but we can’t live life and keep the rest of the world at arms length because of a couple of weird messages or emails. Sometimes its worth waiting or looking a bit deeper than just what appears in front of you.
And the one responsible for the pictures is us, not the Universe.
I love love this blog Rosie, so super cool you found your man. You can feel the love and joy pulsing through the screen on my lap top and its infectious!
This makes me think well actually why not give it a go…. but by no means dropping the standards to what I deserve and what the man deserves. I have been put of for a long time due to the sexual energy that is super high in the world but this does not mean I need to withdraw and hide.
Absolutely, the withdrawing and hiding doesn’t help the problem as it will exist until we call it out and ask for better standards… each and every single one of us.. in our own way.
It is so super awesome that true love and connection is being had online especially considering the vast amount of vile hate and abuse that are all too commonplace on the internet.
What I really love about this is you not changing you or lowering your standard, but keep honouring yourself. It is beautiful to read how that feeds our relationship with another, and that also having a ripple effect on every other relationship.
I agree I love that Rosie has not lowered her standard, but stayed steady buy honour herself and what is true. This has allowed the space for the true relationship to unfold.
It’s true, if we settle for casual sex then we will never get any closer to experiencing true love and intimacy, and we do not do the guys any true favours either. If we do not hold that marker for ourselves then who will?
Yes the marker of true value for oneself is then offered to the other.
Setting a marker of truth is often hidden in relationships in order to fill a need .My experience in the long run has shown that this does not support a foundation of care and honesty that many seek – intimacy.
It is true Rosie, we do set the standards and settling for anything less than love and truth with ourselves and in relationship will never hold its attraction for long.
Well this is a gorgeous story about love and staying true to yourself. A Powerful read for every one.
Great sharings about building relationships Rosie: have a good solid relationship with ourselves first, no need to rush anything, and avoid any pictures (of Mr Right). Your experience shows this to be true.
Yes, Rosie, I too have discovered that the reality can be much more amazing than the picture of what we think we want. It is so liberating to just be open to what is unfolding.
“First and foremost, if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are. Instead we can see how we can complement and inspire each other, and grow” – agree, the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important factor in any/all relationships we have whether that’s as a partner, work colleague, friend, boss, manager, leader, parent.
Such a great point that “when we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised”. When we go for our preset ideas we limit and control a situation which could present us with far more than we have imagined.
What I am struck by re-reading your gorgeous blog is how often we choose to limit ourselves with the pictures we invest in and how we allow these to control our lives. Being open to what may unfold in any situation may seem initially a bit scary but can lead to surprising and amazing outcomes that we could never have imagined – here’s to ditching our pictures and being open to the expansiveness of life and all our relationships.
Rosie, this is gorgeous, as a young woman I did not have this self relationship and just wanted to please and be liked by others, this felt very empty and made life feel up and down depending on whether I was liked or not, I have since built a loving relationship with myself, it feels very lovely to have this stability with myself and makes relationships with others so much more honest and fun; ‘First and foremost, if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are. Instead we can see how we can complement and inspire each other, and grow.’
We all have so much to offer each other when we just focus on us and take responsibility for our part, for after all that really is the only part we can do anything about.
I love that you as a couple, meeting online, do bring a different energy to these kind of platforms. It does give a different reflection to the neediness and manipulation that is normally going on there. If you use this opportunity of todays world truthfully it is a great tool to meet amazing people and heaven can just play its magic of constellation out.
Thanks.. interestingly I first wrote this blog and wanted it published on the dating site where we met… but they wanted to edit it so much…. they said NO to ‘wham, bam, thank you ma’am.’ I had settled for casual sex in the past, thinking it was better than nothing, and they wanted to change it so much so that I realised that once again, I had to set the standard and say NO… you either keep it whole and the truth or I will just publish elsewhere. So here it is… and they miss out for now.
I have great experiences with online dating as well and have learned that I can do it in the way I want it, and not be pushed or driven by the amount of emails and that even online you can sense what kind of a person your are dealing with. And because I have always allowed myself to say no if it did not feel right I have never had a single bad experience.
Its true, you can tell online if the person is being pushy or considerate… and if you allow your body to feel, you get a sense of how you feel when you are communicating with them.. and from there you can decide if you want to explore it more or not…
very sweet Rosie, thank you for sharing. And an absolute yes to us setting the standard and not compromising. But for this we need to have a loving relationship with ourselves so that we can feel we are worth honouring our boundaries.
Yes I agree 100% because if we don’t take care of ourself, how on earth can we expect anyone else to.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.” When women set the standards then it breaks the cycle of abusive and unloving relationships.
It sure does and I wonder, from a man’s perspective…. how does that feel?
It’s so great to hear about someone finding a great relationship on line and it seems more and more common these days which is a wonderful thing. The internet can fill the world with so much crap so if love is found because of it maybe that cancels out some of the grief it causes.
Super cool Rosie and very inspiring. To not drop our standards and settle for what the current trend is and to be open is very wise words indeed. Thanks for sharing Rosie.
So great to read your experience Rosie; so many people are right off online dating but it’s totally going to be an exploration of you if you are yourself in full with no images! So love your busting of images only to find out life and love can be more.
This is a great blog regardless if you are dating online or off, if your relationship with yourself is true then our relationships with others can not but help reflect this same truth.
Totally, and even as a parent, the more we develop that relationship with our child, the more that also affects other relationships as they are all linked up in one way or another.
‘It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right, because the reality could well be better than the picture. When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised’. This line took me by surprise, I had not considered that a relationship could actually surpass what pictures we had, I always have it in my mind that we could be disappointed our pictures are not met.
Sure we can be disappointed but what if our pictures are actually the limitations? I know that I have often not appreciated myself and my picture has been a lot lower than what I actually deserve.
I find that the more I let the pictures go of how life should be, the more amazed I am by the results that pop up. What an awesome journey of discovery lies ahead when we relinquish the control of how it should look and be.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want.”
Comes down to us women in the end really doesn’t it.
I love what you have shared here Rosie and the date site tips, very inspiring.
It is never a coincidence, when we constellate with another person. If it is true you can meet anywhere, so why not online ?!
True Stefanie, it really shows that life is full of these constellations, – who are we to say or expect them to be a certain way, those are the pictures!
or why are we still stuck with the Cinderella fairy tale picture of what love is or how we should meet our man in shining armour!? Surely its time to let those ones go. But at the same time makes me realise how strong those fairy tales are and how they play out long after we have grown up.
If we are not aware of any small part of us that feels lacking or is not complete though developing a relationship with ourselves, then we are open to being caught hook line and sinker by attention offered in a relationship of any kind – we leave our place of worth and standard and walk towards what the attention that offered, but is it with the discearnment of the quality of what is offered? Are we simply accepting whatever we can get, or is it true love?
Great questions, Rebecca…if we do not hold ourselves in absolute love, we will undoubtedly seek love from outside of ourselves, but as you say it cannot and will not be a true union.
I just thought of a a fish and shiny lures.. you get caught if you are not careful and take the bait.
When we walk about with this image of what our Mr Right might be, then we can miss the very person who is so suited to be with us – we can write them off, ignore them or even not see them when our focus is on the image (which sadly is often unrealistic and even unattainable). And worse yet is when we get together with another and compare them to this image that we have of how they ‘should’ be – it is doomed to fail each and every time. This is not to say that we should settle for less, as Rosie has so beautifully shared as losing yourself in a compromise, but when we impose a picture on another, we lose the qualities that they innately bring. Some of us may seem to come in a plain brown paper bag, but the treasure that lies within is heaven sent.
Beautiful said Henrietta! I used to be someone who always felt the grass is greener on the other side. It keeps us in a constant busyness and comparison with the mind and looking outside of ourselves. The moment I started treasuring myself first, looking inside, I could see all the treasures outside much clearer, because I said YES to me. Suddenly no one in the outside needed to fulfill my needs, of pictures, ideals or how the person should act or behave. It asked me in effect to step forward and be how I want the other to be FIRST. Only then I could see clearly the potential of a relationship, because I peeled myself out of measuring what the other person brings to me. I realised it is about honouring, claiming and expressing what I bring to the other person and not the other way around.
This is so good to read Stefanie. We need to make it about what we bring… not what another can bring to us….. it just changes everything and we can appreciate ourselves more and more… and the more full our own cup is, the more we have to share with others.
Yes I love what you have written here Henrietta. The unrealistic and unattainable picture we set is our choice and our way of stopping and blocking a potential. No one else to blame for that one!
Oh on the comparison… gosh it feels horrible to compare or when you yourself are compared to someone else’s ex or picture. If I find myself going into comparison it is a warning sign that I am no longer appreciating and that is all that is needed to shift that moment.
To deepen a relationship with another, we have to deepen the relationship with us first. The lovely bit of being in a relationship with someone who wants to expand as well, is that we are constantly reminded of going deeper with ourselves. We can´t get away with cruising- I love this constant challenge and support.
Yes it is beautiful when we can support another to step up out of their comfort or their patterns and behaviours and equally beautiful (although a bit uncomfortable at time and in the moment) when they reach out and support us too. Together we can grow so much more.
What a gorgeous sharing Rosie – I have never done any internet dating and I cannot imagine what it is like, but I have heard more and more beautiful stories like yours where people connect and have an amazing relationship as a result. The proof is in the pudding – it is not so much about the platform that is being used to connect, but more so to do with the intent of the two people and the magic that can unfold be it into a friendship or a romantic relationship. And why would we ever turn away from a beautiful opportunity?
I often think we have to speak the language that others are speaking.. and if these days its online, then we go online..
Our pictures of Mr Right can keep the true Mr Right well and truly out of the picture!
Right on Nikki!! 🙂
Absolutely! And I laugh now when I see guys who would in the past meet my picture and I know that today there would be no way… and you see, our pictures change and they also can lead us in the completely opposite direction of where we need to be.
These pictures we hold of what Mr Right should look like are lethal. For one people can’t live up to them and second, they stop us forming relationships based on our boxes not being ticked. How many potentials do we pass over due to our pictures?
It is lethal, I agree 100%. Box ticking is not the way as we are way too much to fit in any box!
I used to keep away from online dating as it came with the stigma of a dishonest relationship. People were not looking for love. But what I realised was that I also had a picture of what love was – a fairytale romance – when in fact this is not true either. Rosie – your sharing makes me appreciate that we can reimprint misinterpretations of things – and actually be ourselves in the process. Then we build a solid and steady relationship with ourselves and then with another.
I have had the experience many times in my life where I have had a picture or an image of what I thought I wanted or was looking for and what actually came along was perfect for me at that time even though it was different to what I was expecting. Being open to what life presents to us like this is so important otherwise we miss out on the gold that is there for us because we are so busy looking around for something else.
Absolutely agree Andrew. The array of ideas and pictures that can flood the mind (if we allow it), with the various images we ‘think’ is what Love looks like, is but mere distraction to what otherwise can be gold before our eyes.
So easy to get distracted and in that we miss the love we are!
There are great gems throughout this blog Rosie. The one leaping off the page today is about expectations – when letting go of them, the truth is revealed about just how very limiting they are, as we have no awareness of the true grandness that awaits us as we open more fully to the essence within.
“When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised”.
We can miss out on so much when we hold on to expectations and images of what a relationship should look like. They stop us from seeing what is truly in front of us and stops us from connecting the truth and love.
I used to carry so many pictures in me about how my partner should be and even more important look like. It limited me to see and honour the beauty beyond surface and kept me busy in comparing with others. So the effect was, that I was successful in avoiding intimacy. Since I let go of these ideals and pictures, there is so much space to just be and being loved for my partner, that the blossom in her eventually got the allowance to bloom.
I can so relate. And when we let go of the picture we see the real image in front of us is far grander!
There is always something on offer when we are open to it. Whether it is a relationship with another of a deeper relationship with ourselves, there is always a next step in front of us.
Beautifully said Michael, relationships are what grow us from the inside out.
They sure do, they bring up things for us to explore that we can’t do on own.
Good for you Rosie and good for Mr Right! Great blog on how to date on line with lots of ‘what not to do’ wisdom
I used to believe that the use of dating agencies was the last resort, a reflection of failure at relationships and/or a source for sex rather than deep, meaningful and loving relationships. How wrong could I be? I now know a number of people who have found their Mr. or Mrs. Right and whose relationships feels far more loving and committed than many who have found their partners through more traditional avenues.
Thanks Jonathan, I am sure you are not the only one to think this way and I agree, I know many of friends now who have met amazing partners online.
This is a great confirmation of how amazingly life can unfold when we let go of pictures of how other people should look and be and how any relationship should progress. Thank you for sharing Rosie – you have certainly opened my eyes to how it is possible to engage with online dating on your own terms.
What amazes me Helen, is how many people didn’t realise this and it goes in any area of life, not just online dating. We don’t have to follow or do what the masses are doing, we must live life on our own terms of life all the time.
I love your point about ladies upholding their standards, I’d say in general our standards have slipped very, very low and there’s a lot of accepting any kind of relationship that’s on offer. I know it’s worth waiting for true love – there’s nothing like it – and it’s also worth making our lives about love and not compromising that in any way on any day.
It’s a great point and as a collective we are responsible. We’ve let our standards drop both in what we accept and how we are. Women are pinups on public pornographic billboards and we’re the ones who’ve allowed this.
Absolutely! And it is so important that we are honest about it and talk with our sisters and friends about it so that we can inspire one another rather than sit back and just point a finger.
“It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right, because the reality could well be better than the picture. When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised.” I find this statement can relate to every area of life – when we let go of our pictures and expectations we are often given opportunities far greater then we could have imagined.
What I have found is if I have a picture of someone, a judgement…. I can put them in a box and in that I don’t allow myself to to be feel or see them for who they are as I have labelled them so to speak before meeting them.
Awesome blog Rosie. Letting go of the pictures and expectations of what a relationship looks like is definitely key to all relationships.
Not always easy and I have certainly not mastered it but it is good to be aware of it and work on it.
Do we as people settle for less in our life ? Do we savour our depth? Do we know joy? Do we feel every step of our day? If we don’t, well, no judgement but your words here Rosie suggest we’re missing out on the true beauty of us – time to be our own Valentine.
Yes I agree Joseph we can be our own valentine and fall deeper in love with ourselves every day.
I realise it is time for me to stop settling for less and live love to the max. To also live with joy and allow myself to feel every step of my day.
Its true, we are the only ones that can make that choice, no matter what our relationship status is.
I love the bit about not being hooked on a picture of what Mr. Right would look or be like because the reality could be better. How often in life are we trapped by the pictures of what we have been sold when they limit what could be absolutely glorious if given the chance.
I love the fact that you let go of pictures allowing yourself to be open to your ‘Mr Right’ and in by doing so the reality turned out even better.
I love it too! and I still get more pictures all the time of what a relationship should look like at this stage or how I should be so there is always more breaking down of the pictures to be done!
Its always amazing what unfolds when we stop trying. And, your story shows the magic in the world that is always there for all of us.
Yes Steve, trying, pushing, manipulating, controlling…. all exhausting and can lead you far far away from what is actually on offer and more often than not, right in front of you.
Relationships are an unfolding with no expectations whatsoever. The moment we expect something in a relationship we have lost ourselves. Living each moment with no perfection a loving relationship with self sets the foundation for true love not knowing from one day to the next the outcome.
Rosie, I love this; ‘If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’ As a young woman I wanted to please men and wanted to be liked and so I did not stand firm in what felt true for me, it is very beautiful to read how you did not compromise and try and please and that you found ‘Mr.Right’ and are in the relationship being you without compromise.
You and I and so many women did not or may have never stood firm in what felt true. We have been experts at bending, and shaping and trying rather than claiming, and being who we are no matter what.
I have been building a relationship with myself for several years now, that I feel pretty solid and will not settle for less, having claimed my self-worth! Which is great to feel as this clears any doubt that I may have held onto , that I would lose myself in a relationship, but that so is not the case any more. And watch this space…..
Awesome Jacqueline, I look forward to reading your story. We need to share more of them and support and inspire each other.
I love how you stayed true to yourself Rosie, and did not settle for less. I have been thinking about internet dating but don’t ever seem to get round to starting a profile. Maybe I am not ready or it is not the time, but definitely something for me keep feeling into.
Yes maybe… or maybe you are ready and you are avoiding the love and the potential and what comes up when we are in relationship. I know I avoided it for ages because I was so afraid to get hurt and the only thing that was hurting me was me holding back.
Love that comment about getting hooked into a picture of Mr Right. You can apply that to anything in life – as soon as we put a set of conditions on something we have limited it, stopped it from being what it naturally is, and inevitably it will not fit that picture as the universe is simply not that rigid.
I like your point about not getting hooked on a picture as the reality could be far better. This is true for all aspects of life. Having a set picture placed firmly in our minds about what the perfect job, relationship, family, future etc. looks like limits us incredibly and also sets us up for failure when that picture ultimately gets shattered and we are so attached to it, we cannot see otherwise.
Rosie I love what you have shared: “It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right, because the reality could well be better than the picture. When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised.” That was my experience too – it is so much worth it to be open instead of having a picture. A picture is security – to have no picture is an absolute wonderful adventure . . .
Nice – so happy for you and Mr Right – great share.
It is very true, the deeper and stronger our inner relationship grows, the less we get hooked in by the current trends and establish our own ground rules for engagement. And then yes we can be more than pleasantly surprised by the depth of love that can unfold between one another when we surrender all our images and allow one another’s glory to emerge.
I like how you have expressed this Rowena. I like my own ground rules!
I’ve noticed that it is my relationship with my partner that requires me to deepen my relationship with myself, and I agree Rosie that “The more our relationship deepens, the more I see all my other relationships changing, family, friends and work colleagues”
Thank you Rosie. So inspiring to read your blog. I’ve been on online dating sites and dates and know that the pictures I held played a huge role in me not going from a date to building a relationship with a lovely man.
It is great when we can see and be honest that it wasn’t really about the person but it was our own pictures that got in the way.
Yes it is so easy and tempting to compromise in relationships believing that if we don’t we won’t be in one but staying true to who you are from the start and therefore deeply honouring yourself has got to be the healthiest way to enter and sustain any relationship and as this story shows when the time is right and we are perhaps in the right place to be able to handle and honour the relationship the right person will always be out there.
So easy to compromise, bend, and in that forget who we are but it is a loss for everyone involved when we do that is no one then gets the real you and what you have to share and inspire the world with.
What a love story! This would make a great movie and I’d rather watch this film than Bridget Jones diary!… as it is much more real and about real love not the Hollywood love we are sold from very young.
Ah yes, a true love story, the way love works for the nourishment of all.
Thanks Andrew, one thing is writing about it but movies and film and cameras…. not sure if I am ready for that yet but you never know… I keep pushing my comfort level!
Very gorgeous Rosie – I love that in this you have stayed true to yourself and honour yourself in full. What a powerhouse reflection this is for people. That it is possible for us not to give our power away out of what we think someone else wants. Very cool.
So true, HM, this is an inspiration for others to hold true to their truth and not compromise.
Great to read this today, as a reminder. I am working on this all the time, its not like I chose it and thats it. I have to keep staying true to me and honouring myself during the relationship not just at the beginning. Its a daily thing not a once off.
There is so much to learn when dating, and mostly about oneself.
True Esther, not just online but any style of dating. All the things that we don’t see in ourself will often be reflected in another so its a great opportunity for learning. I have found too that in the most uncomfortable times, we learn and grow the most if we are willing to go there. I am also seeing how in the past I would just give up and run when things came up and in that, I was avoiding the growth that was there for me.
These are wise words… “It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right, because the reality could well be better than the picture.” We limit ourselves and our lives when we stubbornly stick to our pictures – and it’s exhausting holding on to them! Let go of all the ideals and beliefs and it allows space for the magic of constellations… and the best thing is we don’t have to ‘do’ anything except let go and allow – much easier than holding on.
Letting go and allowing is so much easier than holding on which is exhausting and draining.. it’s crazy that we ever think we need to hold on and protect ourselves when all it does is exhaust and isolate us. When we let go and allow life to flow without gripping on to it, we are in the flow of what’s going on around us and not draining ourselves by fighting against it or trying to control it. A much more freeing and joyful way to live and be in the world.
Lovely reminder Paula for me today; it allows the space for the magic of constellations…. and the best thing is we don’t have to do anything except let go and allow’. This is my feeling that when I am ready for a relationship it will constellate, as in it will be there, could be already there…..
Let go and allowing is a lot easier, and takes no energy where the control and the manipulating is exhausting.
Beautiful inspiration Rosie… and great to expose the pictures we can have around relationships. Interesting how we can focus all our attention on Mr Right outside of us, rather than putting all our focus on our relationship with ourselves and all else constellates accordingly.
What a cool ending. Lucky Mr Right! Reading what you have shared here, shows me when you have built a relationship with yourself you are far less imposing on your partner, far less needy, which makes for a more spacious relationship with another.
Online dating has become very popular these days and seems to tick all the boxes for a lot of people. When I was younger, we had to go to the local pub, nightclub or be fixed up by a friend to meet someone – not a lot of options.
When online dating first started, I remember a friend of mine was embarrassed about it when she told me how she met her partner online, but now it is very popular. I haven’t been on an online dating site but I can imagine you get to read people’s profiles before you choose to make contact and connect. The internet is bringing people together in so many ways and it’s huge platform for connecting with each other.
Yes Chan, you can scroll through hundreds of profiles and get quite caught up in it all at times and other times you can just read a few profiles and think, yeah why not say hello and see who this person is. I found it interesting to not get caught up in someones photo and judge them by how they look first of all but to read what they have shared and find out by feeling rather than just looks.
Totally gorgeous Rosie. A beautiful example of truly growing a relationship and the effect that this has not only personally but on all other relationships.
“… if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are.” Having a solid relationship with oneself is the most important relationship we can ever have and it is foundation upon everything else expands.
Beautiful Rosie and a joy to know you have found your Mr Right, even though I have not met you.
Thanks Jonathan, even know we have not met in person, we have communicated through comments and because you have read one or two of my blogs, you must know me on some level. I always feel very connected to everyone who takes the time to comment. Its lovely.
I love the fact that you were so clear about the qualities in life you cherish within yourself and there was no going back on them. What a great foundation of love, care and dedication this sets for a relationship.
When we make it about looks and pictures of what we want another to be to fit us, we will never find “Mr Right” simply because love does not work this way. When we truly let our hearts open to give and receive love then we realise that there the connection of love we can share with “Mr Right” we can share with everyone.
Yes we think that mr or mrs right comes along but perhaps it is us that is actually in the right place and space and therefore constellating the relationship we are ready for.
Very true Andrew. And if we are not ready it is so right that we are not in a relationship, for this just breeds complication and is not a loving situation at all.
Hi Rosie, And Mr Right! What a lovely tale you tell… It’s really encouraging for me as I haven’t been “dating” much in my life…. most of my relationships with men have been born out of drinking and usually rather sizeable need where in, like you I would do a whole host of stuff to be “loved” by the man in question…! Now it’s different because I wont stoop to fit in whats socially acceptable but in that it eliminates all the ways I have known in the past to meet people, in that way. I have scooted around several dating sites, just to see whats out there for now; I’m not ready this moment but feel I will be soon and so find your blog really supportive!
That solid relationship of who you are is so vital, the first building block in any new relationship
Thank you, thats why I wrote it…. because I know there are many like me who have or are having the same experience and the more we talk about it and share, the better!.
We’re part of a much bigger plan and community than we realise, and thinking we can control exactly what our life is going to look like is an illusion
Very true Susie, I have tried this and it doesn’t work. Chasing the illusion in life just leaves us feeling lost, confused and beaten, and how much more amazing is life when we trust and surrender?
Such a powerful statement Susie. We can go searching for Mr Right because we want a relationship, but ultimately if this is not part of the plan we are simply adding complication to an otherwise simple unfolding. If we go after what we personally think we want we can get in the way of even grander things in the future, causing delay where it is not necessary.
If we are searching for a picture we forget to appreciate what is right before us.
I loved my experience with internet dating. It gave me so much insights about myself and also the possibility to say NO for example to a man that I met and liked ‘poly-amore’, which means you have multiple sexual relationships at the same time. Although I was very attracted to this man everything inside me said: I am worthy of a man who just adores me and who only want to physically make love with me. And with declining that and other things men suggested I became clearer and clearer for me to meet my adoring man.
So good isn’t it to get clear on what it is we want and to not settle and to value ourselves enough to say no and let that one go.
I love your frank and open sharing, Rosie. I gave internet dating a go for 2 weeks, but was pretty horrified at how it all felt and have given it a wide berth ever since. I know that for many, it has worked perfectly and worth doing with the right intent and approach.
There’s a great deal of judgement around online dating but it’s so wonderful to see how it can work.
Rosie I love your sharing here, so amazing and as others have shared really refreshing to see how online social networks and dating sites can be used with purpose and love and not just to fill an empty void.
” First and foremost, if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are. ”
This is so important, for once we loose who we are, then we are not truly in a relationship of truth we are in an arrangement, thank you for sharing Rosie.
Yes and there are many many arrangements out there and playing it nice rather than keeping it real.
I love your sharing’s Rosie they are so no nonsense and to the point. The thing is, is there such thing as Mr. Right? Sure we have these pictures of what the perfect partner would be like, but you are right if we have that solid relationship with ourselves all else can then follow and we do need to work at it and once the honeymoon period is over that is when the work must be done and if a relationship is worth it the work never ends.
True, when the relationship is worth it, all the work is just part of the parcel… the bits that we work through and unravel, the uncomfortable times is where we grow a lot more than in the honeymoon.
It’s refreshing to read a story or journey about the blossoming of true love. There is enough pictures flying around to keep us off track our whole life. It’s no wonder you give in and join the comfort of choosing less.
I always thought internet dating was choosing less.. but like anything in this world, if you are honouring your truth, your truth will hold up to be the truth no matter what the original intention of the service being sought. I might try it out. I appreciate the tips Rosie.
Hi Rik, interesting to think that internet dating is less… to me it was great as I could actually meet people and chat to them before I had to meet them in person, and it was super honouring and felt really safe.
Yes and even if you don’t meet a partner, it is interesting who you meet and what you can share in just one connection.
Thank you for busting the idea that on line dating comes with a need. I’ve been on -line dating for a number of years and can feel how often people judge when we share that we are part of this experience. I have met some lovely men and am still open to the possibilities of a relationship that is based on a standard of love and respect I have for myself and would be open to sharing equally with another.
There are a lot of ideals and beliefs and judgements around internet dating, that is for sure but for me it was a much better option than going out to pubs to meet new people!
I’ve found that the judgements on online dating are wearing down along with the stigma of meeting someone online. I’ve been single for a number of years and get asked all the time why I’m not internet dating. That’s what you do when you’re single – apparently!
Well most of us shop online these days and you can return things if they don’t fit…. online dating is a bit the same.
I love your playful use of the phrase ‘Mr Right’ – in many ways we become very caught up in our pictures of what the ‘right’ man needs to be, but none of these pictures actually creates a lived standard of love and integrity in our bodies. We can say we want this or that, this tall and in this profession, with a house and a car etc etc, but none of those pictures is built on a level of self-worth and a discernment of quality, so when the ‘right’ level of attention gets provided, we accept it without question. When we start out not with pictures, but with a level of relationship with ourselves that holds us worthy of more than just attention, but of a love and care, then it is not about ‘Mr Right’ meeting our ‘right’ pictures, but about them being willing to meet our standards, which are not demands or expectations or ways they need to change, but simply asking them to be more of who they are and themselves not come with pictures and hurts etc.
I laughed as I read the part of being so tall. I have no idea what my height is so I just randomly picked a height when I was filling out my online dating profile. To me it really didn’t matter so thought nothing of it…. but when I did meet Mr Right we ended up having a discussion about it and it was then that I realised that for some people how tall you are or short you are can really be a deal breaker. Lucky for me, I am the right height for my Mr Right lol!
It can be so easy to get hooked on pictures and let those hold you back from embracing all that is before you. I had a similar experience of meeting a gorgeous man but it wasn’t quite right for me. I am not dating at the moment but can feel the quality building of the next relationship I will enter.
‘The more our relationship deepens, the more I see all my other relationships changing, family, friends and work colleagues and most of all, the relationship that I have with me.’ Very beautiful Rosie – the ripple effect.
Loaded with images and expectations we easily miss what is right under our nose, and that could well be Mr. Right. Is he still right?
He is not always right, but he is alright and then again so am I. Are you alright?
A completely different relationship is developed when listening with the ears/eyes of the heart. When visuals are left to take over they often by pass any potential relationship in the making.
That’s beautiful Marion “…listening with the ears/eyes of the heart.” Looking back I can see the relationships I had that were visualizing ‘appealing’ were quite empty and I can see how I didn’t actually know them, but more-so what they looked like and what they did… subsequently they didn’t last. The one that has, now married for 18 years, was the one that I felt from my heart and immediately, at the age of 15, knew that was what I loved… and he was completely different to any pictures I had.
Yes the eyes can not always make the best judgement but the heart and body is really good at feeling and sensing.
It’s good not to be hooked on a picture of any-thing, as pictures limit every-thing.
Rosie, I love your emphasis on developing a true relationship with ourselves first and then all other relationships will benefit.
Yes and what I now notice is if things are not working within any one of my relationships, it means I need to first stop and see what I am doing with myself. And if it is happening in one area of my life it is usually happening in all areas and it may just be that I haven’t noticed that yet or even wanted to accept and be aware of it.
Very inspiring Rosie. I love how you did it YOUR way, and it didn’t matter how long it took.
Yes, Rosie, having pictures is a killer when it comes to any relationship, because we are looking outside of ourselves for something that we reckon will tick all the boxes and complete us, rather than deepening in love with ourselves first and then opening up to sharing that with another.
Rosie, this is gorgeous, totally inspiring and the best thing to read in the ‘spirit of Valentines’ so to speak. We come across Mr Right when we open up to a relationship without expectations and conditions, but with a strong love affair first built with ourselves.
I love how you stayed true to yourself and did not compromise or lower your standards in your search for Mr Right. You recognised what a good friend this man could be which is always a good base for a relationship. Opening up to allow the relationship to unfold as you deepen in love and this has a ripple effect on all your other relationships – very lovely, congratulations.
You have inspired me Rosie, I did go on line and lost interest pretty quickly after what you may call some interesting!!! dates. So maybe I will give it another go.
I had some interesting dates too…. I could write about that as well ha ha…but I am glad I gave it another go.
My boyfriend didn’t match any of my pictures, absolutely none of them. Yet what we have learnt from each other and the relationship we are currently building is really lovely in all it’s imperfections. Sometimes it’s the ‘out of the blue’ situations that can offer great growth.
“It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right, because the reality could well be better than the picture. When we let go of expectations and open up we can be pleasantly surprised” – what a really great way of looking at this Rosie.. and the truth can be better than both the picture and reality too (!!)
Rosie – what a gorgeous blog to open on Valentine’s Day!
True wisdom is offered here for all girls and women to build a relationship with themselves first to deeply appreciate and value themselves – a great blessing for all relationships from then onwards.
“If we as women settle for less, then that is what men will actually think we want. So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves”.
Thanks Stephanie. I just want to add, that building a relationship with themselves first and to deeply appreciate and value themselves is just as important for men and in the end its a win win for all of us.
Beautiful Rosie. Whether it is signing up on a dating website online to find Mr Right or choosing a new car it is holding ourselves throughout the process. We may hit a point where we feel like giving up or giving in to something just be because we’ve had enough but then we find we made a mistake. From my experience it is certainly worth holding on, being patient knowing that when the time is right what I am looking for will simply and naturally fall into place and come into my life.
Interesting that you mention a car as I struggled with that too…. always had a cheap old bomb.. and slowly I have upgraded to a better version of the old bomb until recently when I purchased my first new car (well to be honest, it was a demo and did have 3 hail dents but almost brand new)… and boy oh boy did I struggle with buying it because of all the ideals and beliefs that I had about owning a new car, spending that much money, going into debt, what my friends and family would say….. the list was long and I had a melt down in the car yard but now I do love my new car and it was a lot to do with valuing myself.
Rosie, this article is gorgeous to read and will inspire many women I am sure, I love this; ‘So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’
Thanks Rebecca. I originally wanted it published on the dating site but they wanted to edit it so much that I decided not too share it there. My purpose for writing it was to inspire other women and to let the men know how we women need to be honoured.
Thank you for sharing Rosie, I love your openness. For me the key you have shared is that ‘if we have a good solid relationship with ourselves, we can have this with another, and not lose who we are’. Otherwise it is all too easy to get caught up in the ideals and pictures of how we want the other person to be and how we want the relationship rather than appreciating and seeing the beauty and magic that is on offer which we already have and then can share it with another. When we lose the relationship with ourselves it is impossible to have a true relationship with another.
Beautifully said, it is so important to appreciate each other rather than try to twist and mould someone into your picture and control. Many have tried and failed at that, we know it.
When we are clear within us , what comes to us is also clear. Definitely our relationship with ourselves is the foundation we have to the other relationships we have in our life.
What a wonderful story Rosie and so great how much you respected yourself and your Mr Right. I have quite a few friends who have met their Mr Right online and it has been a unique experience for everyone. I met my super, gorgeous, adorable husband 25 years ago and went for it from day 1 and were married very quickly so it is different for everyone – mind you at that time neither of us were alcohol free or as pure as we are now!!!
Well done Rosie you got the gorgeous man you deserve and he also obviously deserved a very special woman!
Well said Rosie, ‘So ladies, let’s set the standard we want for ourselves.’ because when we do we find gold.
And there is no one else that can set our own standards or do it for us. We have to be the ones!
I love how you describe the dating problem at the moment and that it is something we both as men and women have a part to play in. When women would never settle for less than true love than men would not be able to make it only about that either. It is beautiful that in the same way, when we start to reclaim the love we are worth it only takes one to start the change and it ripples out to more and more people.
Yes and we talk about it and share it with our sisters, they will see that they too are worth of love and nothing less, and its actually okay to honour that and wait for it rather than settle for less, just to be in a relationship.
“The more our relationship deepens, the more I see all my other relationships changing, family, friends and work colleagues and most of all, the relationship that I have with me.” Beautiful that Mr Right has met his Miss Right.
Thats funny Mary because I don’t really fit his Miss Right picture but we are loving each other anyway.
When we share our love unconditionally, the criteria for Mr. Right are of no value anymore and have no ground to stand on as it is about the depth of love that can be unfolded and explored and not about being right or wrong.
Right or wrong, its all based on pictures rather than knowing and feeling. I do sometimes fall for the images rather than trust what I feel and know but it is becoming less and less.
A love really has no picture and all the pictures that we have around it are like an illusion.
That’s great Rosie. Setting standards and not dropping them is so important for life. Everyone everywhere has a standard whether they realise it or not, even if it’s very low. It’s a great topic to talk about because becoming aware of standards allows us to truly examine what our current standards need to be for ourselves.
Yes we have standards for everything without realising… the standards of my home are also really important to me because when I come home from a big day at work, I love being met by a clean and tidy space. I just melt and feel so supported by simple things like order. To another this may not be important, but I know now how much it supports me. It’s not a standard that I am strict with, but at the same time, I do honour how important it is to me.
I love what you have shared here Rosie about setting our standards, especially as women and how the more intimacy (quality) we live with ourselves the stronger our foundation and less likely to get lost in comprimising ourselves to be with another.
Yes no need to compare when you feel complete and steady in your own self.
You can’t see it, there’s no guarantee, no way of being ‘sure’ but life asks us to step forward and honour what we feel without doubt. When we truly do this, my experience is we are rewarded in a way beyond our wildest dreams. Never settle for less than what you know is Love. Thank you Rosie for sharing your relationship voyage here.
Settling for me is a thing of the past, and if you see me doing it, I would love someone, one of my friends to stop me and give me a wake up chat!
” Never settle for less than what you know is Love.” Yes, to that Joseph, and it is so lovingly simple as it allows us to be where we are and simply honouring ourselves in full.
So gorgeous to read Rosie. Ah those pesky pictures get in the way big time and affect our relationships from deepening more than many of us realise. Great reminder for me today to let go of where I think my relationships ‘should’ get to.
Yes, why have a goal, the goal in itself is a picture and can be so limiting.
When we have pictures and / or expectations we may miss out on a relationship that could result in a ‘Mr Right’.
Absolutely, Sue, we might miss our Mr Right if we have a picture of what we are looking for. In developing the relationship with ourselves and saying yes to love and the learning that comes with a relationship we give the space to emerge what is the next step in our evolution.
Yes, and I think this happens way more often in life in all areas, not just in relationships, than we wish to admit.
It feels so important to have a great loving relationship with oneself first. After that important relationships with others can flourish rather than flounder.
I love how you have found your “Mr Right” Rosie but it sounds like your pictures of what a Mr Right entails may have changed a little in the process. It’s those pictures that often trip us up as we are looking so intently for them to be fulfilled in every detail that we actually miss the gift we have been offered; the one that is right in front of us.
Pictures never contain any wisdom or truth, they are just an idea or expectation of how something is instead of truly taking in the full experience of life. Because of pictures we can look straight at something and not see it for what it is, including people.
Yes, you are right Ingrid. And instead of wanting an old picture, I love the real man in front of me so much more than any picture.
So very true letting go of our pictures of what a relationship could be opens up so much more potential to what could really happen, which is beyond our expectations.
Yes Adele, love will always bring the unexpected and mostly so much more and different to that what we ever could imagine. So when we put any expectation on an outcome as a condition, love will not have the freedom to bring that unexpected, what we actually need and long for so much.
It sure does Adele – it is so limiting and restrictive to try to make other people fit into the picture of what we want. After all have we considered them? and have we considered that there could actually be more than we could or have ever imagined on offer so long as we surrender to it and play our part by not trying to make it into anything rather simply deepening the connection within to ourselves and also with our partner?
Pictures are absolutely limiting and trapping, we stop the true flow. Having no pictures and just connecting to the truth of honouring oneself and keeping the standards is the great way to go.
So there you go, another sign of imperfection, but that actually shows us love. Love is imperfect here on earth, simple because it is not about right or wrong. It is, and when we start living in connection to our truth and love, there will be ups and downs, all learning us that we are not made to be perfect but to be real.
Good point, and in our relationship, in the realness there has been heaps of learning for both of us, which I so appreciate.
“It’s good not to be too hooked on your picture of Mr Right, because the reality could well be better than the picture” – I feel this wise statement can be applied to just about anything in life, not just the perfect partner. When we hold onto an expectation of what is going to happen and how we want it to play out it’s like we almost create a self-fulfilling prophecy and box in our reality to match that picture. But when I have stayed open to allowing what needs to unfold for the benefit of all and to learn and grow, many times there have been some magical occurrences that I would have never predicted.
“The reality could well be better than the picture” – I completely agree. My life now and also my relationship is so far beyond anything that I could have ever pictured or wished for and even within that it just keeps getting more awesome – there is simply no limit!
I too have experienced the magic that can happen when I am not attached to an outcome or have a picture in my head of what things should look like. I keep getting blown away by what comes my way when I don’t try to control life to fit any pictures.
Our mind can only create a fraction of the glory that the love and intelligence of the Universe can constellate when we drop ofF our pictures. And what is so glorious about that constellation is that it also considers and supports all others, in so many ways that our mind may not even be able to comprehend.
Love this Rosie! And what a great blog for Valentine’s Day ? My journey was very similar to your own – In terms of what I’d settled for and the level of self-compromise I’d ended up in. I can report I’ve now been married to my gorgeous Mr Right – and yes we met online too – for 8 and a half years. If a true, partnered relationship is what you’re after, I can say it’s well worth persevering with the level of self-respect and love that’s needed to get there ?
Wow, this is inspiring. 8 years ago means you were at the forefront of the online dating movement!!!! Relationships need commitment and dedication, firstly with ourselves so we can see where our needs, expectations and pictures are and then with others as the reflections they offer are such great opportunities to see what lies beneath the surface of our normal.
Thanks Victoria, I never knew that you and your Mr Right met online! Very cool…. and 8 and a half years.. that says a lot.