For as long as I can remember I grew up thinking I didn’t love my mum and worse, I blamed my mum for everything. At the time I believed she was the cause of all my misery and if only she was different, better or like someone else’s mother, my life would be okay.
I grew up constantly trying to change my mother; constantly telling her what she was doing wrong and how she needed to change. My mum is a deeply caring person and because she cares so much, she was often doing things for others at her own expense. I remember a time when we were at the theatre; it was late and I expressed how hungry I was. My mum being the mum she was, offered to go and get me food. Sweet in itself, but for her to do that meant going out into dark deserted city streets on a cold and rainy night. I was appalled that she would want to do that, and told her so in the most unloving way.
What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.
As you would imagine my outburst did not go down too well and even though I didn’t want to see it, I really hurt my mum; to her she was offering support and love and couldn’t understand why I would react so badly. It wasn’t until I was about 26 years old that I started to realize that my quest to change my mother did not work – all it did was to cause further distress, distrust and reaction, increasing the stress on our already tenuous relationship.
What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.
From that moment on I started to look at all the ways I wanted my life to be different and what I could do to make that happen. I found this a difficult process and my solution was to cut my family out of my life. All I knew was they were hurting me and I couldn’t get them to change, so the most loving thing I could do – so I thought – was to cut them out of my life. I even told my mum that I couldn’t be around them as it hurt too much . . . ouch, my poor mum! I still remember the look on her face.
So I lived that way for a year or so, only attending ‘important’ family events, thinking what I was doing was self-loving. Then I came across the workshops presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine, where (people) Serge spoke about self–responsibility and bringing love to yourself and then being that love with everyone else. Boy did the light bulbs come on!
I was not being loving with my family – I was still blaming them and I didn’t take responsibility for my own choices. I discovered I had a major issue with expression and all the things I had not expressed had bottled up inside my body like one big gaping oozing hurt. Once I started expressing how I really felt, those hurts started to decrease bit by bit.
Today I know no one can hurt me: the only thing that truly hurts me is holding back from expressing my true feelings.
If I had told my mum how I truly felt; that her offering to get me food on that cold and rainy night made me really sad, that I adored and cherished her more than anything else, and for her to willingly put herself in danger for me was not something I cherished but something that deeply hurt. I am sure that speaking my truth in that moment rather than reacting would have received an entirely different response.
I always envied those children who said they adored their parents. I never felt that way and it really hurt because deep down I knew I loved my mother dearly. What I have come to discover in my own healing is that my mother loves me dearly too.
We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.
Thanks to my commitment to truth, love and healing I have no more barriers in the way of just simply loving my mum.
In fact today I can joy-fully share that I not only love my mum, I adore her. She is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. And I am truly blessed that she is my mum.
By Caroline Raphael
Published with permission of my Mum.
Further Reading:
What Mothers Teach Daughters
Expressing Love: I Love You
Absolute Love
862 Comments
Thank you for such an inspiring blog Caroline, it is for sure so healing to let go of the picture how we want others to be and allow them space to be and reflect the true love that they are.
“My quest to change my mother did not work – all it did was to cause further distress, distrust and reaction, increasing the stress on our already tenuous relationship”. This could be said of any relationship, that it just doesn’t work trying to change people. I have witnessed for myself and others just how much can change through loving acceptance. This permission to be our true selves, brings out the best in us and naturally changes happen without all the trying and tension!
This is a very heart warming and inspirational blog. The more I love and appreciate my self the more I can reflect back on my mother, who has passed away, and appreciate and love her, as well as be honest, but not critical, about ways she had that were not okay. I think it is important to get real about our mothers seeing their strengths as well as their weaknesses. I have observed many people who remain in an ideal about their mother and live with a false sense of loyalty which does not serve either of them.
This topic is huge, mostly because it brings up how we love ourselves, with our mothers being the constant reflection this eternal relationship. I have definitely found that the more I choose love for myself and say no to the unloving behaviours that the women in my family have learnt to live with, the more I feel able to introduce love back in to my family of women and men – and so the cycle continues, with all of us relearning how to be loving once again.
Sometimes it is just a case of being able to get the right words out. This used to be such an issue for me when I was younger I clearly remember how this felt in my body it was horrible like I wanted to say things but could just not find the words, which then made me feel really stupid! What I have learnt is the more I connect to the love within and take care of myself the easier it is to express in many ways including speaking with others and saying what it is I want to get out!
I too used to blame my Mum And like you “What I came to realise is the only person I had the power to change was me.” Fortunately this happened a few years before she passed over – so at her passing there was no grief as I had worked through that during her last illness. The blame I felt was because I had put myself at the centre of what had happened in my childhood, which I then carried into my adult life, rather than viewing my parents’ relationships as something that was between the two of them alone.
“What I didn’t express was how much it hurt to watch my mum, a woman I had adored since I was born, continually make choices that were inconsiderate to herself, continually neglecting herself for the benefit of putting others first.” I can so relate to this, it feels so harsh to watch people we love harm themselves. Watching people in my life like this has been a huge lesson for me in letting go and accepting the choices they make and also for inspiring me to look after myself more.
That’s why supporting yourself is so important because until we get ourselves to a certain level we are not truly supporting another.
This is gorgeous Caroline – I can’t believe I only came across this blog now as opposed to ages ago when it was first written! Our relationships with our parents, siblings, friends etc are super important and do act as reflections for us all of the time. They are great reminders for us to keep expressing as needed. Caroline, I love the simplicity of what you have shared too in saying that when we express what we are feeling then this does not stay bottled up in our body and build as hurts which we then think we have to walk around with for the rest of our lives! Simply share and express lovingly – what a healing in itself.
What a journey and thank you for sharing. How its so easy for us to hurt the ones we love and care for deeply, mainly because we struggle to express our truth, we hold back in the fear or saying something wrong or looking stupid. But if we just spoke our truth as it is, we would not have buried hurts and we would be joyously sharing.
A great blog Caroline, and utterly inspirational.
This is so great to read, it shows how expression is everything in relationships, and thus in life. Expressing our truth is bringing an understanding to every situation, living as the sensitive beings that we are.
Hi Caroline, this comment is more in reply to your BIO “And most of all I love people. I love everything about them, all our quirky ways and funny expressions – and most of all I love nothing more than observing others care for each other, it melts me and there simply is nothing more beautiful.” I am the same and I have never heard anyone express what you have expressed. What is true for me is loving myself in this way too. Loving my quirky ways .. loving how unique I am in my ways and expression .. loving the way I dance etc etc. It sure makes loving another more joy-full feeling it in you also. Thank you Caroline .. I adore you.
WOW- the choice between not expressing truth and expressing in full is HUGE – This blog shows it in full, how we can get trapped in our hurts, not express the truth, and then the other person reacts and feels pushed away so they equally do not express their truth. When all the while if we say what is there to be said we cut any anxiousness, frustration, hurt and reaction. Our expression is medicine, it can heal relationships and is very powerful. This blog really makes me appreciate the opportunity to express all of me in full to those around me.
Caroline, I’ve been waiting to read this blog for a long time. It’s been really helpful and has really made me realise how much I have to step up with my mum and family. I related to much of what you said and am inspired by your story.
I feel the reaction to loved ones (or anyone for that matter) making unloving decisions is a reflection of the reaction we have to ourselves not living the love we know to be true in each moment. It’s a good chance to reflect on how we can deepen in our love and choose it more consistently.
It is these people that challenge us the most that we can learn a lot with about deepening our relationships as they highlight all the hurts and protection we still hold onto.
It’s so very powerful all you have shared Caroline because of the raw honesty. I can relate to believing it’s others who need to change, when in fact I am fully responsible for myself. The work of Serge Benhayon on connection to self, the Gentle Breath Meditation as part of this, and self love and self care has really supported me to give myself the love I was truly craving from others. This has allowed me to see my relationships differently, and begin to appreciate others without demanding them to be a way I need them to.
I could read this again and again, there is something very beautiful in a relationship with another when we bring honesty and share what is really coming up for us, it’s really priceless! I love how your choices to take responsibility for yourself Caroline (and just of your part) stripped away the blaming of others to a new foundation where you can now actually see each other for who you truly are. Just think how many relationships are sitting, waiting to be exposed in all their tenderness and love for one another when self-responsibility (and dealing with our hurts) is introduced. Truly inspirational – you and your beautiful mum!
Thank you Caroline. I am now the mother of adult children and have been the one who put everyone else first and rarely expressed what I was feeling. With the support and revelations at Universal Medicine I am learning to put myself equal to others and express what I am feeling. I am learning to say ‘I love you’ not only to others but also to myself and adore how it feels.
Thank you Caroline, for such a beautiful sharing. It seems that the biggest hurt we have is holding back and not expressing our love and yes it can be a challenge at times to not react to seeing others being unloving with themselves, but if we react then we too are being equally unloving.
Thank you for sharing your journey Caroline. It is very easy to fall into the trap of blaming our parents. I know for me I was disowned as a teenager by my family but I chose to continue the cycle of disregarding myself even though my family were no longer in my life. No matter what our family situation is it is our responsibility to choose self-love and nurturing and reflect this to humanity, family included. It is up to us to bring love and understanding to everyone and have the maturity to separate the person form their behaviours.
“We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” What a gift to have these ‘mirrors’ in our lives that reflect to us what is there for us to work on and the richness that is there already. This brings relationships to a whole new level, giving us space to learn, be curious and take responsibility for our own life.
Mirror mirror on the wall, offering a real reflection for people to openly and honestly support one another.
Great comment Esther.
What a great revelation –”we just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections – constantly reflecting to each other all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves.” We often do not like what we see in another because we do not want to see it in ourselves. These are the moments when we have to stop and feel what is really going on in us.
Oh this is a big one! “We just happened to be each other’s biggest reflections…” Hearing this line has supported me to look more closely to the reflections that surround me, that I am sure it is no coincidence that I am around. We have so much to learn from each other and as we all reclaim our own self-responsibility and self-healing in life we become the true reflections that everyone needs to see, of ‘how to do it’ not just ‘how not to do it’.
Thank you Caroline it is beautiful to read you expressing your love and appreciation for your mum so openly. I also was hurt by my family and made the same choice to avoid them as much as I could but this only lead to building up more hurt and shutting down to them. For many years with the support of Universal Medicine presentations, I have learnt to self-love and to deepen the relationship with myself and this has been key to me truly connecting and healing the relationships with my family. I am more accepting and appreciative of all the qualities each of my family members bring and I now look forward to connecting with them and enjoying our time together.
Speaking the truth about how we feel instead of going into reaction with blame and shame, can bring families together when hurts are expressed and let go of with a greater depth of love and understanding. So beautiful to come to this understanding love with your Mum.
Family dynamics can be hard work especially when we hold on to our hurts and allow emotions to come into the picture. Letting go of hurts and pictures supports us with understanding and appreciation of where people are coming from.
There is a pattern that I share with you Caroline – that as I tried to ‘find myself’ I rejected much of what my parents had to offer in a truly unloving and quite brutal way. It must have been an awful experience for them both. I’m pleased to say that is a long distant memory now, and I got to express all the love, tenderness and deep appreciation I felt for my Mum before she died – I know she felt every ounce of it and it was far and away the best gift I’ve ever given… just me.
If we take responsibility for our own ‘stuff’ and hurts this article shows how very simple our relationships can become.
Thank you for this sharing Caroline.
It makes me realise that growing up, I used to blame my mum for a lot too – always leaving me with my grandparents, always busy – I even said I would prefer if my grandma was my mum. But what I didn’t express was how much I saw mum pushing herself and living in a hardness that I knew was not her. Now I can say that to her. Now she has come back to the gentle, delicate woman she always was but never showed – and it is gorgeous to see this everyday, and I deeply appreciate who she is. But this had to come from my responsibility to see the truth and not the reaction. How we live and how we choose to either respond or react to things plays a huge part in our lives.
What stuck out for me in your blog was the fact that you and your mum served as each other’s reflections, throwing back at each other ‘all the ways we did not love and adore ourselves’. So the blame and the judgement – great indications in themselves of how you were treating yourselves. Often our greatest mirrors are in our families.
I can remember observing my mum a lot when I was growing up and all I wanted was for her to have fun, enjoy life and love herself. But looking back, I was stressed and not just being me and enjoying life by thinking she had to change. I’ve learnt now thank goodness, but can still fall into this pattern at times, that we can never impose or make someone change, and one of the most harming things to both involved is to sympathise with another. Learning to love myself and where I’m at supports me to love and understand where others are at.
We can expend a huge amount of energy trying to change the people and the world around us and I know I certainly have put much effort into doing this in the past. But like you Caroline I am realising more and more that it is ultimately futile for the only person I have the power to change is me.
We can expend a huge amount of energy trying to change the people and the world around us and I know I certainly have put much effort into doing this in the past. But like you Caroline I am realising more and more that it is ultimately futile for the only person I have the power to change is me.
Blame is a futile activity that only serves to keep us locked in a vicious circle of helplessness and irresponsibility.
We have mothers day coming up here in England soon and how I would love your experience to be front page news so everyone can read how it is possible to change relationships around. Thank you Caroline for sharing your connection with your mum- a true power couple!
Our bodies know truth, but what is not of truth is governing our world and us, the people today. We think we know better seeing this but the truth is no one wants to see how hurtful it is. Not wanting to see it we wish to eradicate it all, but by this action stemmed from judgement and non-acceptance, we are kept in the prison of what is not true. We are in this together. What you have shared Caroline, is Expression is the game changer, and how we express goes back to the choice of how we move our bodies in everything we do in life.
Being inspired by a blog on appreciation I have recently started texting my mum everyday something I appreciate about myself and she has texted me back something she appreciates about herself. This has been deeply healing for both of us and has improved the love and acceptance between us no end.
Wow gorgeous Samantha, thank you for sharing.
This is such an inspiring blog to read. I still have a lot of ‘issues’ as we say with my brothers and yet I love them dearly too. This is putting me in touch again to look more closely at my own behaviour and to commit more deeply to changing what needs to change in me.
Acceptance and appreciation are huge healers! Now when I have an ‘issue’ with anyone I look first at my own expectations, often I have created a image of how I think people should be or how situations should play out. Dropping this image allows for real acceptance and evolution.
So healing to read that you are prepared to look at your behaviours Elaine, instead of focusing on how to get others to change. Blame in our society is huge and something that is holding us all back from evolving to the love we all could be living.
This relationship between mother and daughter can be the source of so much tension, I know we certainly had it in my home growing up and I never thought it would be any other way, and I don’t reckon my mum did either. But somehow, even after living through some of the toughest times, we have been able to come back together again in a very supportive and loving relationship, where we can call on eachothers strengths and appreciate all that the other one has to offer. And I now am able to deeply appreciate the wisdom of experience that my mother has and the love that she offers it to me with.