Whilst at a friend’s house recently for dinner, we decided to relax for a while on the couch before eating, to catch up and talk about how life had been for us since we last spent time together. My friend suggested we make ourselves comfortable on the couch while dinner was cooking, and as we were both feeling a bit tired from a long day and a busy week we decided to lie down, one lying each end with our legs sort of entwined and up over the back of the couch. Both being tactile people, we are not averse to physical contact, which is good considering the position of our legs resting on top of each other’s.
As we lay talking (which was for quite some time), we each enquired to the comfort of the other’s legs and shifted to make ourselves more comfortable, or shifted to ease any pressure on the other. At one point whilst we were re-arranging ourselves, I remarked to my friend how different it was now to care for myself compared to when I was a younger woman and had been lying with a man and rather than disturb him, for fear he would take the opportunity to move away completely, I would lie with my arm underneath him ignoring the numbness, stiffness and encroaching pain in my arm so that I could immerse myself in him and the feeling of being wanted for a bit longer. Not wanting to lose him or the feeling of being wanted was stronger than any consideration of my body.
Expressing this to my friend, we laughed because this was her experience too. She expressed the same feelings and emotions, and we laughed again at the ridiculousness of it whilst being astounded at the total lack of care for ourselves. This was huge as we both came to the same conclusion that back then we felt we would “rather lose my arm than lose my man.”
I’d rather lose my arm than my man!
Seems a bit drastic doesn’t it? And I’d bet most of us would say that’s ridiculous, that’s not what I would choose… but how many of us have lain with a boyfriend/husband/lover’s head or torso on our arm and remained in that position regardless of the numbness and stiffness slowly overtaking our limb, ignoring the pain because of the fear that if we ask the chosen one to move he may move away completely, and we desperately want to hold on – not only to the man but to the feeling of being loved and wanted for as long as we can. So, we manage to put up with the discomfort, pins and needles, numbness and pain we are by now feeling in our arm… the total overriding of our body’s needs in favour of our emotional wants and needs being temporarily assuaged.
As the evening progressed, my friend and I continued to discuss this and wondered whether men had the same experience – of putting up with physical discomfort in the same way in order to extend the feeling of being wanted and loved: being women, we couldn’t be sure but as we were able to think of the many ways in which we remembered overriding our bodies’ needs, to the point of abuse, we knew that we were all in the same boat when it came to disregarding our bodies. Perhaps some of the ways were different for men, but abuse and disregard would be there in their lives nevertheless.
What was once abuse is long gone, but while we are in any way looking for love, appreciation or emotional security outside ourselves, we are in fact in disregard of our true selves. As we discussed this, we both agreed it can be easy to believe that we no longer abuse our bodies because we are not so obviously disregarding ourselves as we once did. The more gentle and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body – requiring honesty on our part to recognise and then work with these subtler aspects. We agreed there is a need to bring an even greater sense of tenderness and care to ourselves until we have built into our livingness an even greater and more delicate way of being.
Published with permission of my friend.
By Rosemary Liebe, NSW
Further Reading:
Discovering self-care and bringing it into my life
Self Care
The rejection game – how to overcome the fear of rejection
Recently I’ve experienced immense pain following shortly after disregarding myself. The more love I live the more it hurts to abuse myself in any way and my body is getting this point across quiet clearly!!
Appreciation of our essences is a confirmation of our divinity and should never be discounted for how power-full and evolutionary this level of Love brings to us and others through reflection.
So true, we do tend to lose body parts as a payment for living to pictures of how we feel relationships should be and as illogical as it seems, it is seen as so normal by society that we do it all the same.
It would certainly seem that a way to show love to another is to put yourself in a position where you ‘sacrifice’ yourself for another. Yet having done that as a mother, I know no-one benefitted from that because I was exhausted and unable to be as loving towards them as I now know I could have been.
Surely we do this all the time?
” the total overriding of our body’s needs in favour of our emotional wants and needs being temporarily assuaged.”
We eat and drink things that taste delicious for say a few minutes while they are in our mouth and then the taste or sensation goes, so we keep eating / drinking to retain that sense of delight or yumminess. Then our bodies show us in many ways how our mind might have enjoyed what we were eating / drinking but the effect on the body is harming. How many of us have grabbed say a sandwich, a bag of crisps and a bottle of something fizzy at lunch time and just ate it because it was convenient, only to feel the effect afterwards. We develop a bloated stomach and can feel tired or sleepy. Our bodies communicate all the time but do we listen or just carry on completely caught up in our mind?
When we compromise ourselves in order to keep that man we open ourselves up to be taken advantage of. Nobody can take advantage of us if we do not allow them to do that.
In an era before cable TV and mobile phones, dates were seeing a movie in the cinema. The challenge of putting your arm around your date, during the film and once it was there you would have to fight off the pins and needles, numbness from not wanting to be too heavy was like isometric exercises… all to keep that connection.
ha ha yes I remember that and being aware of that pain but not wanting the moment to end so not saying anything to make them more comfortable! Oh dear – what are we like in that need for connection!!!
Isn’t interesting how we want that connection with another but we have completely negated that connection to ourselves. We are brought up to believe that it is only through another person will we find the love we seek. When the complete opposite is true it is only through loving ourselves will we find the settlement our bodies are seeking.
Putting up with pain and discomfort in the belief that this will keep a partner closer is actually putting a pain barrier between you.
This is so true Gill so looking at not how we compromise our body or self regarding another but how we compromise our body/self because we do not deeply care for ourselves in the first place. Which can easily be changed through choice ✨
I can really relate with this and not just getting my arm crushed so not to disturb a partner but how in my life I have compromised myself so another feels good … and I do not feel so great! However I am starting to do this a lot less now which is something I can appreciate ❤️
There was a time, I also made a lot of compromises in this regard just to please my partner. I’m very grateful that today I’m very aware of what my body likes and doesn’t like at any moment in time, in no perfection, but I’m getting better and better.
“The more gentle and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body –” Our main issue as as a society is that we bludgeon our body so not to hear the inner delicate wisdom forever in our grace.
I agree with your comment anonymous that the more we deepen our love for ourselves the more abuse is exposed. We obliterate our bodies so that we cannot connect to that inner wisdom that we all know and carry with us. I wonder why we do this when its the love that we want the most more than anything.
‘…but while we are in any way looking for love, appreciation or emotional security outside ourselves, we are in fact in disregard of our true selves. ‘ This line is gold. I have often looked outside myself for love and validation of who I am and felt hurt when it wasn’t forthcoming. But what is really going on is I know exactly how I’d like to be treated but am not treating myself in this way.
Rather I’m giving away my power in the hope someone will mind read what I need but when they don’t I’m hurt or irritated. How wonderful to admit this is about how I’m treating myself as I have the power to change this.
Karin I’m still caught up this game
“I’m giving away my power in the hope someone will mind read what I need but when they don’t I’m hurt or irritated. How wonderful to admit this is about how I’m treating myself as I have the power to change this.”
I caught myself out using this tactic recently. I felt hurt because I felt I was being taken advantage of rather than speaking up and discussing the situation, I let it ride, which then built up resentment towards the other person. But I gave my power away in the first place by not speaking up and expecting the other person to know how I was feeling! How silly is that?
This morning in an esoteric yoga session I experienced a depth of love and self-care for myself that was so sublime and so all encompassing that it became very apparent that no other person would ever be able to make me feel the way that I can.
I’d rather loose the man, I’m quite fond of my arm, it comes in handy a great deal.
I find it a deeply loving example when someone honours themselves to the nth degree and also shows the same level of honouring to all others. This offers an opportunity for us all to experience how amazing this feels and see how possible it is to live this way.
How many accommodating ways do we live in life rather than living and walking our truth for all to see, because shying away from our essences has been a life-time pursuit that needs to be exposed for the energetic lies that way of living is.
Until the lies of the way we live are pointed out Greg we do not realise just how we are pulled around by our noses so to say. There will come a time in everyone’s life when we can see and feel the lies we have been fed for eons and start to reclaim ourselves back from these lies we have accepted as part of life.
When we don’t compromise on the love we hold ourselves in then we are able to offer so much more love to our partners, friends, family etc
Yet, compromise is one of the main currencies of life… is it no wonder our standards drop and life ends up in the mess that it is in?
It’s interesting to observe where in our relationships we compromise to fit in with others or to not rock the boat for whatever reason.
From my own person experience Rosemary, I too as a man have many times let go of what I know is true for me just to keep the peace in a relationship. As a man the way I see it played out is shutting down of my own sensitivity, pushing through and being strong giving the illusion I can handle anything.
Chris I can relate to what you are sharing. How many of us still stay silent just for a quiet life. when actually we are giving our power away and while we continue to do this we will never learn the lesson that is being shown to us. Instead we rely on pushing through and getting on with it, over claiming ourselves with our sensitivity and our power.
Compromising ourselves for the sake of pleasing another, is simply not worth it, for neither person is truly benefitted.
Thank you for showing me how far I have come in my life that I would not choose that for myself.
Being dismissive and/or dishonouring to our bodies is the first step away from our responsibility to each other. If I am prepared to treat myself with disregard then this is the foundation for all my interactions and everything I do, which has a far-reaching impact.
We know when we are compromising ourselves because there is a niggle inside that tells us.
One of my favourite things to do at the end of the day is to have a cuddle on the sofa with my wife.
If we’re not living the truth of who we are then we’re living a life of compromise.
‘I’d Rather Lose my Arm than my Man’ – your loss. I’m keeping my arm, I find it quite handy.
When we compromise ourselves in any way we are not bringing all of ourselves to the relationship and allowing a reflection that is not true.
The things we do for ‘love’ including putting our body into really uncomfortable positions to the point where arms start feeling numb!!!! Just wondering what are we afraid of? That if we love ourselves without compromise another will not love us. Or why are we afraid to say how we feel like ‘my arms really uncomfortable can we move positions?’ I love that this blog has started this discussion.
Yes. Talking openly about our habits and behaviours is really important. We then get to see how so many of our beliefs are ridiculous.
I’m keeping my arm – not selling it for a 5 minuet buzz.
We are naturally very caring. We want to support others. Where I fall down is not applying this same care and support to myself and therefore not being the full strength and care I can be, out and about in the world.
What you share in this comment is spot on, so true; which brings it back to the responsibility we have to bring the utmost level of care, respect and honouring to ourselves, knowing this benefits all.
I can definately relate to putting up with pins & needles or numb limbs in my body, in order to feel more loved, be accepted or needed in the past. It’s crazy how I used to put up with this from my partner. It is indeed very unloving and selfabusive and thankfully I no longer override it today.
Whenever we ‘put up with something’ from another they, in turn have to put up with something from us. Ultimately what each person is putting up with is the reflection of who we are not.
I have a feeling that the pain in my arm is a result of having lost it yesterday in the way described here. In the past yes it would have hurt but I never recall the pain being in my awareness like it is this morning. The more I care for myself the greater my awareness of how my choices impact my body. Sometimes we slip back into old habits only to be reminded even louder why we stopped them in the first place!
This is such an interesting article and makes me realise how much we compromise ourselves to please others, rather than expressing what is true for us and putting ourselves first.
This could be a hard one to grasp ‘but while we are in any way looking for love, appreciation or emotional security outside ourselves, we are in fact in disregard of our true selves’ and one might say how can I be disregarding wanting to be loved, surely it is better than not wanting to be loved! However, in looking outside of ourselves first for love we are missing the absolute pot of gold we innately hold within. It’s like a bright shining star looking out to the universe for another bright shining star without at first acknowledging, appreciating and loving its own brightness and holding this in full.
I know this pattern so well, having lived it most of my life and also witnessing it in others – compromising in one area in order be in a better position to manipulate and control in another area. And sometimes we are even totally ignoring and disregarding an aspect of life as a result – just like the examples in this blog. I find it useful to admit that manipulation and control is at the heart of the behaviour, and there is a payback sought through an expected response.
When we live in an emptiness any form of affection from another is cherished and desired. So, if it means our arms go numb – so be it… if it means that our partner is cheating on us… so be it? If we get abused in any way, physical or mental, but then a few hours later an apology with a dozen roses is knocking on our door … how likely are we to accept, forgive and forget? When we live with a lack of respect for ourselves, we accept anything that feels a bit better than that, so if we are in constant self-abuse, what difference does it make when another person is abusing us?
It is crazy how willing we can be to contort ourselves for another but also how self abusive we can be when we ignore what our body is communicating to us in so many situations. Having been ill for a while I was pushing my body to be back at work full-time when it was clearly showing me that it was not ready but it was not until I had a clear stop moment that I accepted that I still needed to rest more to allow my body to recuperate.
The more loving I ensure my relationship with myself is, the more loving with others can be too.
A great read Rosemary – I’d rather loose any friend rather than put my body through that kind of abuse.
The whole situation of being willing to suffer discomfort and even injury to “make sure” another loves us and let them know we love them, exposes how our human idea or even ideal of love is far from the truth of what Love truly is. True intimacy is not achieved in that way as there is no honesty or transparency or willingness to be vulnerable or let something go. To love is to bring a whole person to the situation not half a person who needs something so desperately from the other that they will abuse themselves. A great learning for us all.
Holding onto unnecessarily to anything, be it, another person, an old behaviour, a comfort, or a food we know doesn’t support us but we love to eat, is so damaging to us in one way or another. So, I wonder why we do it? Maybe it’s simply because of the fear of what life would be like without what we are holding onto? Well, the only way to find out is having the trust to let go of the hold and allow what’s next to unfold, without any pictures whatsoever.
Intimacy at the price of selling yourself out is not intimacy – it’s self abuse.
It’s interesting that we can supposedly be in a loving situation such as this and yet be in disregard to our own body – it undermines the quality of the moment despite what we try to hold onto.
Yes. I agree. And the simplicity of this makes total sense.
There is a multitude of things that we put up with in order not to disrupt another person at the expense of ourselves. But we rarely stop to ask ourselves if the other person would want us to be in discomfort. It’s crazy when you think about it.
The title is a shocker – it’s like giving away ourselves for a moment of emptiness.
Compromising ourselves for the sake of pleasing another, is simply not worth it, for neither person is truly benefitted.
We had a brilliant conversation at supper last night about the madness of reducing and compromising ourselves for relationships. If I disregard myself or make myself less to fit into a relationship then in truth that is not a relationship. The fuller we fly the more true relationships we can have; being with others honestly, transparently and gloriously ourselves.
I think so many of us can relate to reducing ourselves for the sake of a relationship and the ridiculousness is, if both are doing this just exactly that, what is the quality of that relationship?
A great reminder Matilda. The feeling of having acted in a way to make ourselves fit in a supposed relationship is not pleasant once it is exposed compared to the amazing feeling of a relationship which encourages and supports this in it to not only be themselves in full but to continue to evolve and expand.
I am becoming more aware of the impact it has on others when I disregard myself. We never support others when we dishonour and abuse ourselves no matter the justifications we can come up with.
Our needs can outweigh all good common sense. By looking at our needs and clearing them making great choices becomes easier.
What is so lovely is that the more I love my body the easier it is to cherish both me and my partner when cuddling up, so that neither of us have to compromise our bodies. Just like you and your friend on the couch, there definitely is a way to love each with tenderness that deepens our connection and intimacy and respects one another’s limbs.
Cute. Being in a relationship that ‘respects one another’s limbs’ – this is a great standard to have.
I shudder to think about how I went out with a couple of men who really didn’t like women. I was so dishonouring of myself that was better than being single.
We have to ask – what is on offer for us here? To carry on with our demands and wants or, to live in a way that offers a reflection of who were really are – and what we can learn here by doing so.
Our needs can outweigh all good common sense. By looking at our needs and clearing them making great choices becomes easier.
Oh my goodness this is such a graphic example of how when we become focused on the importance of one thing and go all out to preserve that one thing we can become blind to everything else. Eerily familiar.
I love the intimacy of your relationship with your friend. I too have that same intimacy and love with a friend. And I can so relate to what you have shared regarding the body becoming numb or getting pins and needles because you do not want to move it away from a partner. For me it would be more because I felt if I did this they would feel rejected but whatever way we look at it I agree it is completely crazy that we override our bodies for all various different reasons we have from feeling wanted to not wanting to seem like rejecting another.
There is no end to what we will put up with to fill our neediness but every time we do it chips away at our self-worth.
To sell ourselves for approval or need, we do it and yet it makes no sense. If we connect within us we know such behaviour is an outright lie.
A very simple and clear example how disregard is a normal in life, we give in and ourselves up to others and situations all the while taking deep care of ourselves first is the most beneficial and healthy way for everyone, nobody would be left out.
The title is a great analogy for all the other ways we can be in disregard in our endeavours to please, to fit in, to ……
We’re the ones in charge of our emotional needs and wants. No-one can fulfill them for us but so often we hoodwink ourselves into thinking that ‘if only I find the right person, all will be well”. What an amazing moment in life it is when we realize that we are that ‘right person’ and have been all along.
Brilliant Rowena, we certainly are the architects and builders of our own lives. No one can add or take away what we’ve built, it is up to us to take responsibility for every part of our construction and design.
We sell ourselves out so cheaply.
Beautiful Rosemary, I can relate to what you’ve shared. It is very common to disregard our body and put up with discomfort and even pain if we have an attachment to someone or something.
We live in the belief that another can fulfil our needs but in truth, we don’t need others to do anything for us because we have everything inside of us already just waiting to be connected to.
Rosemary, it’s great to be honest and aware of how we disregard our bodies and to continue to deepen the love and care we have for ourselves. I would no longer put up with any pain if I was lying with someone and would instead move or change position, but sometimes I go outside without a coat and this hurts my back and causes pain in my body. So it feels important to keep refining the way we care for ourselves.
Rosemary, this is really interesting to read. it makes me realise how many times I have overridden pain in my body to please another. Doing things that I don’t want to do – putting the other first before myself.
Rosemary there are so many things that so many of us have put up with in order to be with somebody that we wanted to be with. How many of us have pretended to enjoy hobbies that we haven’t, how many of us have pretended to like their mates when we haven’t, how many of us have sat through films, TV programs and concerts that we never wanted to go to, how many of us have been treated shabbily and said nothing, how many of us have been physically harmed and said nothing, how many of us have been emotionally hurt and said nothing? The list of things that we are willing to put up with in order to be with someone is endless. But what all of this does provide is a crystal clear reflection of ourselves. For me the reflection that I failed to see for so many years was that my self worth was almost non-existent.
Alexis you are so spot on with all the things we will put up with in order to be with someone this need to be loved by another because we refuse to love ourselves overrides everything. But when you spell it out as you have so well this is not love so what have we settled for … abuse. So why do we allow such abuse and what is it about a lack of self-worth that has both men and women living in such abusive relationships it doesn’t make any sense when we stop to look at how we are behaving with each other.
In reading this again, as it was so incredibly beautiful, there is so much here that can be highlighted for being absolutely amazing. The self love aspect of this is incredible because it highlights how much we are willing to give ourselves over instead of honouring ourselves to the bone, and in that then honouring those that we are with.
Ignoring the body is so hard sometimes when the body is speaking so loud and on so many fronts.
Its amazing to truly know what is happening with the body and work with the body.
It’s quite sobering to be honest with myself about what I’ve put up with to either avoid feeling unloved and unwanted, or to try to be loved and wanted. It comes down to me loving me.
This is incredibly beautiful, the notion of pleasing others is age old and comes from many different elements of not knowing or feeling we can just be ourselves in the world.
To give ourselves away for a brief moments satisfaction of some kind, this seems like a very self-disrespecting thing to do. But isn’t it what we also do when we overeat, get hooked onto social media, eat chocolate and cakes? Yes.
If I take this principle a step further it supports me to see the other ways I compromise myself in favour of gaining something from the outside world. How I dress, how I speak to people, how I eat, what work I choose to do, when I bring this question back to base supports me to make my choices based on what is right for my body, rather than what is needed to fit in.
There is such a tendency to disregard the body over the ideals and beliefs held by the mind. Or better said, held by the spirit to have its pleasures at the cost of the body that at the end is suffering in disease.
The things that each and every single one of us have given up in the name of love is beyond description. Not just the sheer quantity but the range of what we’ve been prepared to sacrifice all in the name of love. And yet every single offering has been in vain because love when it’s true provides for all of us, there is no sacrificing needed from anyone.
It’s instilled in us not to lose something that we cherish, but what if the sacrifice made to keep it is actually more poison in our lives than losing it in the first place.
I love how in this simple example highlights how we are willing to compromise ourselves for the comfort of others, and often because of a belief we have.
Agreeing with an action because it fulfils what we want and demand from the world, that is one sure way of having a contract to sell ourselves out – and for what? A few moments of satisfaction that leave us in a prison we have made.
Great point Michelle, I definitely recognise this and settling for compromise can easily lead to bitterness that slowly hardens and poison our body, and also our relationships too.
Reading this article reminds me of how much I used to override what my body was feeling in order to try and please a partner or friend, this includes; staying up late, going to places I didn’t want, eating/drinking things I didn’t want to – the list is endless.
My list is endless too… and it isn’t always connected to pleasing others, but also connected to the times when I overrode my body against myself; like eating foods that did not support, forcing myself to work late into the evening or stay up late by watching a movie etc. If we tend to make choices that go against ourselves, how easy it then to slip into with others?
I love this observation, as it highlights the never ending demands we have on each other to meet our unmet emotional needs all the time not addressing how we do not connect with ourselves and care for ourselves.
Rosemary, I can very much relate to what you are sharing in this article about overriding pain. It makes me realise that I no longer do this, that I adjust and make sure my body feels ok and is not in pain and that this is the most important thing, what I also notice is that if I am in any pain or discomfort then usually the person I am with is also and so it is fun to move about together and readjust – finding a way that works for us both.
There is no truth in neediness whatsoever it is a completely made up state. Fabricated and tended to by us truly.
So many of us have relationships that are really just dressed up battlegrounds with the occasional ceasefire.
It’s maths. The emptier we are, the more room there is left for abuse. Once we are full up with ourselves there is no room left for abuse.
Experiencing pins and needles or even complete numbness in a limb feels like the minutest tip of a gigantic iceberg of both physical and emotional abuse that an unquantifiable amount of men and women are willing to put up with in relationships. I’d say that most of us are doing it to some degree in a significant amount of our relationships. It may simply be putting up with a dismissive tone in a partners voice to regular physical beatings and everything in between.
The more honest I get, the deeper the honesty becomes as each time I reach a new marker of delicacy and tenderness, a whole new realm of fragility presents itself, showing me that there is no end to my journey into fully claiming my immensely precious essence.
How precious therefore must God be? Beyond precious itself.
Such a simple example and so common to many – I, too would not want to disturb the moment and would never have considered this a form of abuse to my body. In the past my mind, thoughts and verbal exchange was what my feedback regarding who I was yet it was in the moments where I listened to my body’s wisdom that truly connected to me and to what was true. Thank you Rosemary for another marker of understanding in how we choose to love.
All that wanting and needing something – it’s such a game we are all fooled by – the truth is, we have it all within us. No amount of men can give us what we already have inside us waiting to connect to.
I too can relate to this situation described in terms of putting up with a form of overriding myself and what I am feeling for the sake of ‘holding on’ to another person. Even the simple fear of being totally honest with another and letting myself be me in absoluteness is to this day a challenge for me on a very subtle level be it in my intimate relationships with my husband and son or perhaps with friends. It is like I fear that they will be taken away or that something will happen to them, or that they will die, if I let myself be as I naturally am in full.
Gorgeous and simple blog Rosemary that highlights how quickly we as women in particular put our needs last, out of fears that we feed unknowingly with the same behaviours.
True Henrietta, this blog does highlight how, we as women, out our needs last because of being ‘in need’. It’s a dichotomy.
There is no end to the depth of care and love one can bring to oneself and hence those around.
This insight into the intricacies of relationships can be extended to many aspects of life. How many times have we continued an activity when we are feeling stretched, such as gardening, cleaning house and mowing the lawn, to name a few, because we feel the ‘importance’ in having the job complete more than the respect for our body and how to actually complete the job at hand, yet fully honour how our body wants to do what is ahead of us.
The same anthem applies to friendships: ‘I would rather lose myself rather than this friendship’ or ‘I will keep the peace, be a follower, rather than rock the boat.’
As a man I can answer your question in that I have definitely done the same thing by ignoring how my body feels or staying in a position or posture that is uncomfortable out of fear of ‘disturbing the moment’.
We tend to think men are different to women but when we open up and talk about how we feel and what is going on in our lives, we may find that the only differences are our looks and the roles we’ve taken on. When we let go of the limitations of our physical body and who we think we should be, we find men and women are exactly the same in so many ways.
Awesome to hear a man’s perspective in that they too are known to do the same thing. Not so awesome that both men and women do this!
Yes I’ve totally done this myself so hands up there for me.
This may seem like a simple example of disregard but it speaks volumes and highlights the things that we do that are seemingly innocent.
Umm… how many movements in a day go unchecked where we place another whether that is our partner, child, member of an extended family, colleague, friend etc before our own needs? The refining of the abusive choices subtle or obvious is a constant unfolding in my life.
Absolutely, Caroline this is but one example where we will put our needs last… even not considering putting a jumper on when cold, or wearing comfortable shoes could be added to this list. Lots of movements that go unchecked add up to a big pile when considered!
I remember the same scenario with sleeping with small children! I often lay very uncomfortably all for the sake of their sleep. Having said that, I usually fell asleep, too (which I needed, also) but adjusting so we were each supported in our respective positions was something I learnt along the way. This level of true self-nurturing, of attending to the detail of how I needed things to be, was what I realised true mothering was all about. Well adjusted relationships come from taking responsibility for our own adjustments!
I have definitely done this one too and learnt the hard way that this does not support me or my children in the long run. For even if we mean well and have the best of intentions which I am sure most parents do, if we neglect ourselves or our bodies as parents then what kind of message or example does this give to our children? Are we not setting them up to be the same when they grow up? So building a foundation of self-worth and self-care as parents is super important to be able to handle the intensity that comes with raising children and a family sometimes but also to role model to our children that they too can do it and look after themselves and it is not a bad or strange thing to do.
Beautifully expressed Peta – it is in self care and self honouring that we then do not build any resentments or frustrations and this then allows us to inspire another to do likewise and yet there is no neglecting of another when we stop to care for ourselves too (in fact the care for them can be deepened).
I still do this. Not necessarily with another person but I will sit in a position beyond the point my body asks me to adjust. I am more and more aware of this and when I do respond instantly to my body’s signposting the sense of respect, care and honouring is very tangible. Thank you for this article.
Yes I get this self-neglect and can relate to it and what about all those times when we adjust our voice, our posture, our walk, our views, our facial expression etc to accommodate or gain acceptance or recognition from others? It may be subtle and not always physical discomfort but I bet most of us still do this to some degree.
I have had dogs for most of my life and don’t ever remember any of them being disturbed when they would lie down. They would ensure that there was nothing there to bother them. So, why do we allow it when it causes us discomfort?
Politeness can also be a factor in not saying that our arm is asleep, or that we are uncomfortable and need to change position, it’s odd that we feel we might hurt someone’s feelings, or that it may be rude to say something so simple and practical that relates to taking care of our body.
Being selfless can be very self abusing. Thank you Rosemary for exposing this fact as some of us can be still trapped in the belief that selflessness is something very remarkable.
Ester in some ways ‘selflessness is something very remarkable’, remarkable that we can allow ourselves to suffer and experience pain (often considerable pain) all under the guise of the virtues of selflessness. It’s simple, if the body experiences preventable suffering of any kind then that tells us that something is amiss. Part of the myth of the virtues of selflessness is the ‘hardship is desirable’ component. My goodness me we’ve made up some very damaging rubbish haven’t we?
Makes me think of all those shoes we squash our feet into that are killing to wear but look great – what an immense sigh of relief our bodies must take when we finally get the message that taking care of our bodies’ needs first means that all of us get to look great – not just the shoes!
I really like the real life and relatable example – it’s easy for others, like me, to cast one’s mind back and remember when we’ve done a similar thing. And a great message – is it worth the pain and discomfort? Nah.
I can recognise that I would have done things like this in the past to please or not disturb another but these days that is less of an issue because I am quicker to recognise when my body is in discomfort and act on it because it would not be self-loving.
Important to expose acts of so-called selflessness as acts of self abuse.
Yes this is an important shift to make and will mean that we stop championing charitable, benevolent activity that does not come with a foundation of love, care, respect and honouring. And all this starts with our relationship with ourselves.
A beautiful example of the power of honestly expressing how we feel in the moment and how it can lead to a much deeper conversation to expose ways in which we disregard ourselves to please others.
What we will give away and what we will bend ourselves to – all for what – having a need fulfilled, when in truth there is no need.
Wow Rosemary – brilliant. This attitude of disregard infiltrates throughout our whole life. Essentially it could be distilled down to holding back the truth. But actually when we do this we loose so much more – an arm, a leg, our connection to our heart, to Love. And yet we think at the time it’s worth it. How much pain do we wish to experience before we see that holding back is so hazardous for our health?
‘The gentler and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body…’ absolutely! The beauty of this though is that the more that these abuses can be felt and as we become more aware of them the easier it is to say no, and to change what does not support.
It is very beautiful to sense the appreciation Rosemary has towards herself for making the self-loving changes and also having the realisation that there is a greater love for self to be lived – an acceptance of self and where they are at.
Great sharing. And this goes even beyond the physical pains, strains, tensions because it also goes for honouring what you feel for instance what time to leave a friend house instead of pleasing people by staying as long as they want or doing something you really don’t like for someone else just because they will like you for it and we feel we need that. Yet I am finding that actually following my own rhythm and what I feel in my body to be true is building a foundation for life and when I override the importance of this by doing what others want to do I feel debased and really need a couple of days to re-establish myself.
There are far too many times that I have kept quiet when I should have spoken up for fear of losing a mans company! Yet, then, I wouldn’t have thought there was anything wrong with it because I was putting another before myself and this was to be encouraged.
‘ the total overriding of our body’s needs in favour of our emotional wants and needs being temporarily assuaged.’ So many ways this can manifest. I remember feeling such a lack of self-worth that I wanted to be the best at sport. It was unfortunate that I wasn’t particularly talented but I put in way too much effort at the expense of my body’s well being.
The actions we choose “so that I could immerse myself in him and the feeling of being wanted for a bit longer.” Despite being tired, numb or what evert is for us. Looking outside us to have that need fulfilled is a pointless task, wanting to feel wanted is as empty as a bag of air. That loving connection to who we are within, and the love that resides within, knock spots off anything anyone else could offer us – at the cost of a numb arm.
Thank you for shining a torch into this dark corner of what might be termed ‘selfless’ but is in fact blatant disregard of what our body is screaming out to address and correct.
Sounds like a great theme to get together and enjoy a PJ party where we all relax and express and forget about the food or any other disconnecting entertainment. Then this could be a new party game where we all enjoy each others company for just being the Loving expression we all are.
The simplicity of this example is brilliant. The insight offered can be applied to pretty much every aspect of life where we override our sense of what is true, harmonious and equally loving for everyone, in order to hold onto something we hope will compensate for a lack we have told ourselves we have.
When looked at from this angle, the absurdity of what we do to feel loved is completely exposed… our needs outweigh common sense. This is true in almost every aspect of life.
I remember all too well sharing a single bed with my boyfriend at the time and I slept facing the wall with my face practically touching the wall. But I put up with it rather than risk rejection. I put up with this form of abuse to avoid the pain of rejection from another but this abuse is rejecting myself first!
ha ha yes, single bed sleeping!! The is never going to be good but we try to make it work for the sake of harmony in the relationship!!
I know men who have, in order to prove themselves or in order not to lose a prospective long term partner put the image of their goal before their bodies and hurt themselves considerably in the process, the physical body not seeming to count or even seeing some sort of glory in this act. I don’t think anyone is immune to this sort of self- abuse which is rarely looked on as abuse at all.
“… the more gentle and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body.” True, as we become more aware of how we treat ourselves and others there is a forever deepening in loving and caring and subtle levels of abuse are exposed.
“… the total overriding of our body’s needs in favour of our emotional wants and needs being temporarily assuaged.” Umm, this sums up most of my life and based on experience I would hazard a guess that this goes broadsheet across the human race and is not necessarily confined to women. What I find so amazing is that the more I have made an effort to connect to my body and respond to its needs, the more this has supported me to heal my emotional neediness, which in turn strengthens my ability to respect my body over and above them. An awesome positive feedback loop that is enabling me to cut many a harmful habit in favour of feeling truly well, both emotionally and physically.
This has got me pondering for I, too, would lie cuddled with my ‘loved’ one and allow my arm to go to sleep. Up to this point I thought I was doing that out of love for the other, not wishing to disturb them. Now I am questioning as to whether that can truly be love I am offering if I am not being loving to myself?
Really quite shocking how martyrdom is valued so highly, and in this context, perceived as an expression of love, yet it is abuse.
“the feeling of being wanted was stronger than any consideration of my body.” When we are distracted by pain or discomfort in our body we lose connection to the intimacy of the relationship.
You certainly grabbed my attention with your wonderful title, Rosemary. And as I read, I could relate to so much – putting up with discomfort as to not disturb another, for whatever reason. I can also relate to holding a sleeping baby or a young child in a way that slowly becomes uncomfortable, and maybe even heading towards painful, so as not to wake the child. It got me to realising that in this case the energy I was holding the child in was not at all loving for me so, it follows it would not have been loving for the child.
I hadn’t thought about this but it is true, even with a baby we put ourselves second but the energy we must be giving off has got to feel substantially less than the love we think we are offering them!
It’s a really good point about children and how we can think our actions are loving, but if we aren’t loving first with ourselves then the energetic quality (or the truth) of love is actually missing.
“It can be easy to believe that we no longer abuse our bodies because we are not so obviously disregarding ourselves as we once did. The more gentle and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body – requiring honesty on our part to recognise and then work with these subtler aspects” – this is so true, and those finer abuses will be registered as compromise and leave a bit of a stench, I find.
The answer is yes, men will push past the pain, pins and needles and numbness just to stay connected.
I love the way you have expressed this Rosemary – it carries no judgment and is a reminder to look out for ways we may be overriding or disregarding what is best for us – in case it disturbs another.
Great observation Rosemary – the title really resonated with me. It might not have been an arm but there where plenty of other things I let go of, that all led to missing my own self-worth. In great appreciation that this has been changing over the past ten years thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine.