Whilst at a friend’s house recently for dinner, we decided to relax for a while on the couch before eating, to catch up and talk about how life had been for us since we last spent time together. My friend suggested we make ourselves comfortable on the couch while dinner was cooking, and as we were both feeling a bit tired from a long day and a busy week we decided to lie down, one lying each end with our legs sort of entwined and up over the back of the couch. Both being tactile people, we are not averse to physical contact, which is good considering the position of our legs resting on top of each other’s.
As we lay talking (which was for quite some time), we each enquired to the comfort of the other’s legs and shifted to make ourselves more comfortable, or shifted to ease any pressure on the other. At one point whilst we were re-arranging ourselves, I remarked to my friend how different it was now to care for myself compared to when I was a younger woman and had been lying with a man and rather than disturb him, for fear he would take the opportunity to move away completely, I would lie with my arm underneath him ignoring the numbness, stiffness and encroaching pain in my arm so that I could immerse myself in him and the feeling of being wanted for a bit longer. Not wanting to lose him or the feeling of being wanted was stronger than any consideration of my body.
Expressing this to my friend, we laughed because this was her experience too. She expressed the same feelings and emotions, and we laughed again at the ridiculousness of it whilst being astounded at the total lack of care for ourselves. This was huge as we both came to the same conclusion that back then we felt we would “rather lose my arm than lose my man.”
I’d rather lose my arm than my man!
Seems a bit drastic doesn’t it? And I’d bet most of us would say that’s ridiculous, that’s not what I would choose… but how many of us have lain with a boyfriend/husband/lover’s head or torso on our arm and remained in that position regardless of the numbness and stiffness slowly overtaking our limb, ignoring the pain because of the fear that if we ask the chosen one to move he may move away completely, and we desperately want to hold on – not only to the man but to the feeling of being loved and wanted for as long as we can. So, we manage to put up with the discomfort, pins and needles, numbness and pain we are by now feeling in our arm… the total overriding of our body’s needs in favour of our emotional wants and needs being temporarily assuaged.
As the evening progressed, my friend and I continued to discuss this and wondered whether men had the same experience – of putting up with physical discomfort in the same way in order to extend the feeling of being wanted and loved: being women, we couldn’t be sure but as we were able to think of the many ways in which we remembered overriding our bodies’ needs, to the point of abuse, we knew that we were all in the same boat when it came to disregarding our bodies. Perhaps some of the ways were different for men, but abuse and disregard would be there in their lives nevertheless.
What was once abuse is long gone, but while we are in any way looking for love, appreciation or emotional security outside ourselves, we are in fact in disregard of our true selves. As we discussed this, we both agreed it can be easy to believe that we no longer abuse our bodies because we are not so obviously disregarding ourselves as we once did. The more gentle and loving we become, the more obvious these subtle and finer abuses are still playing out and can be felt in our body – requiring honesty on our part to recognise and then work with these subtler aspects. We agreed there is a need to bring an even greater sense of tenderness and care to ourselves until we have built into our livingness an even greater and more delicate way of being.
Published with permission of my friend.
By Rosemary Liebe, NSW
Further Reading:
Discovering self-care and bringing it into my life
Self Care
The rejection game – how to overcome the fear of rejection
168 Comments
There is no end to what we will put up with to fill our neediness but every time we do it chips away at our self-worth.
To sell ourselves for approval or need, we do it and yet it makes no sense. If we connect within us we know such behaviour is an outright lie.
Expressing our discomfort, whether about getting a dead arm or a person getting too close to us is something we should be taught from a very early age. It is SO important to not be afraid to speak up and not to put up with nothing where the body tells us is uncomfortable, it is abuse to ourselves not to do this.
I have been increasingly aware over the past few weeks of how when we want or need something in our lives…or someone perhaps, there can be an attachment or an investment that in truth negates what is already there. Our wants, needs, hopes, desires, wishes, dreams etc etc can become like an all consuming pursuit that means we lose sight of what is already within us and the all that we already are. Is it possible, I ask myself, that who I am is already full, whole, complete and absolute, and that looking for more is in fact a ‘detraction’ from the truth rather than a positive way forward?
I was talking to a colleague a few years ago and she related to me how the previous day whilst she was driving her car with the window open, a stone was thrown up by another car and ‘whacked’ her on the temple. ‘It was lucky that the window was open’ she said ‘otherwise it might have been broken’. ‘Do you realise what you are saying’ I responded. She hadn’t considered that it might have been more self-loving if things had happened the other way around. Do we care more for our cars than we do our bodies? If we do, perhaps we need to think again!
Oh my goodness this is such a graphic example of how when we become focused on the importance of one thing and go all out to preserve that one thing we can become blind to everything else. Eerily familiar.
A very simple and clear example how disregard is a normal in life, we give in and ourselves up to others and situations all the while taking deep care of ourselves first is the most beneficial and healthy way for everyone, nobody would be left out.
The title is a great analogy for all the other ways we can be in disregard in our endeavours to please, to fit in, to ……
We’re the ones in charge of our emotional needs and wants. No-one can fulfill them for us but so often we hoodwink ourselves into thinking that ‘if only I find the right person, all will be well”. What an amazing moment in life it is when we realize that we are that ‘right person’ and have been all along.
Brilliant Rowena, we certainly are the architects and builders of our own lives. No one can add or take away what we’ve built, it is up to us to take responsibility for every part of our construction and design.
We sell ourselves out so cheaply.
Beautiful Rosemary, I can relate to what you’ve shared. It is very common to disregard our body and put up with discomfort and even pain if we have an attachment to someone or something.
We live in the belief that another can fulfil our needs but in truth, we don’t need others to do anything for us because we have everything inside of us already just waiting to be connected to.
Rosemary, it’s great to be honest and aware of how we disregard our bodies and to continue to deepen the love and care we have for ourselves. I would no longer put up with any pain if I was lying with someone and would instead move or change position, but sometimes I go outside without a coat and this hurts my back and causes pain in my body. So it feels important to keep refining the way we care for ourselves.
Rosemary, this is really interesting to read. it makes me realise how many times I have overridden pain in my body to please another. Doing things that I don’t want to do – putting the other first before myself.
Rosemary there are so many things that so many of us have put up with in order to be with somebody that we wanted to be with. How many of us have pretended to enjoy hobbies that we haven’t, how many of us have pretended to like their mates when we haven’t, how many of us have sat through films, TV programs and concerts that we never wanted to go to, how many of us have been treated shabbily and said nothing, how many of us have been physically harmed and said nothing, how many of us have been emotionally hurt and said nothing? The list of things that we are willing to put up with in order to be with someone is endless. But what all of this does provide is a crystal clear reflection of ourselves. For me the reflection that I failed to see for so many years was that my self worth was almost non-existent.
Alexis you are so spot on with all the things we will put up with in order to be with someone this need to be loved by another because we refuse to love ourselves overrides everything. But when you spell it out as you have so well this is not love so what have we settled for … abuse. So why do we allow such abuse and what is it about a lack of self-worth that has both men and women living in such abusive relationships it doesn’t make any sense when we stop to look at how we are behaving with each other.
In reading this again, as it was so incredibly beautiful, there is so much here that can be highlighted for being absolutely amazing. The self love aspect of this is incredible because it highlights how much we are willing to give ourselves over instead of honouring ourselves to the bone, and in that then honouring those that we are with.
Ignoring the body is so hard sometimes when the body is speaking so loud and on so many fronts.
Its amazing to truly know what is happening with the body and work with the body.
It’s quite sobering to be honest with myself about what I’ve put up with to either avoid feeling unloved and unwanted, or to try to be loved and wanted. It comes down to me loving me.
This is incredibly beautiful, the notion of pleasing others is age old and comes from many different elements of not knowing or feeling we can just be ourselves in the world.
To give ourselves away for a brief moments satisfaction of some kind, this seems like a very self-disrespecting thing to do. But isn’t it what we also do when we overeat, get hooked onto social media, eat chocolate and cakes? Yes.
Yes – you are right Ariana, there are many times a day where I give myself away for brief moments.. so how to deal with this? There can be a feeling of discomfort when this is nominated – do I place my focus here and stay with the discomfort or, in appreciation, do I focus on confirming what I know to be true in my essence and work back to find the hole that meant I went for, by choice, to those things that numb me? Quite often I will ignore the reason why I am going for these dulling foods/entertainments but sometimes in honesty I will nominate exactly why I am doing this, which brings in understanding and a lot more love in spite of the choice that harms.
If I take this principle a step further it supports me to see the other ways I compromise myself in favour of gaining something from the outside world. How I dress, how I speak to people, how I eat, what work I choose to do, when I bring this question back to base supports me to make my choices based on what is right for my body, rather than what is needed to fit in.
There is such a tendency to disregard the body over the ideals and beliefs held by the mind. Or better said, held by the spirit to have its pleasures at the cost of the body that at the end is suffering in disease.
The things that each and every single one of us have given up in the name of love is beyond description. Not just the sheer quantity but the range of what we’ve been prepared to sacrifice all in the name of love. And yet every single offering has been in vain because love when it’s true provides for all of us, there is no sacrificing needed from anyone.
It’s instilled in us not to lose something that we cherish, but what if the sacrifice made to keep it is actually more poison in our lives than losing it in the first place.
I love how in this simple example highlights how we are willing to compromise ourselves for the comfort of others, and often because of a belief we have.
Agreeing with an action because it fulfils what we want and demand from the world, that is one sure way of having a contract to sell ourselves out – and for what? A few moments of satisfaction that leave us in a prison we have made.
Out of emptiness we compromise ourselves and in that emptiness we don’t allow ourselves to feel the devastation the impact of that compromise has on our self worth. What we gain in that choice is only fleeting but what we lose can take a long time to work our way back to, especially if we have a repeated pattern of compromise that has whittled down our trust in ourselves.
Great point Michelle, I definitely recognise this and settling for compromise can easily lead to bitterness that slowly hardens and poison our body, and also our relationships too.
Reading this article reminds me of how much I used to override what my body was feeling in order to try and please a partner or friend, this includes; staying up late, going to places I didn’t want, eating/drinking things I didn’t want to – the list is endless.
We demand so much of each other to confirm us in our choices so that we can continue to make them!
I love this observation, as it highlights the never ending demands we have on each other to meet our unmet emotional needs all the time not addressing how we do not connect with ourselves and care for ourselves.
My list is endless too… and it isn’t always connected to pleasing others, but also connected to the times when I overrode my body against myself; like eating foods that did not support, forcing myself to work late into the evening or stay up late by watching a movie etc. If we tend to make choices that go against ourselves, how easy it then to slip into with others?
Rosemary, I can very much relate to what you are sharing in this article about overriding pain. It makes me realise that I no longer do this, that I adjust and make sure my body feels ok and is not in pain and that this is the most important thing, what I also notice is that if I am in any pain or discomfort then usually the person I am with is also and so it is fun to move about together and readjust – finding a way that works for us both.
There is no truth in neediness whatsoever it is a completely made up state. Fabricated and tended to by us truly.
So many of us have relationships that are really just dressed up battlegrounds with the occasional ceasefire.
It’s maths. The emptier we are, the more room there is left for abuse. Once we are full up with ourselves there is no room left for abuse.
Experiencing pins and needles or even complete numbness in a limb feels like the minutest tip of a gigantic iceberg of both physical and emotional abuse that an unquantifiable amount of men and women are willing to put up with in relationships. I’d say that most of us are doing it to some degree in a significant amount of our relationships. It may simply be putting up with a dismissive tone in a partners voice to regular physical beatings and everything in between.
The more honest I get, the deeper the honesty becomes as each time I reach a new marker of delicacy and tenderness, a whole new realm of fragility presents itself, showing me that there is no end to my journey into fully claiming my immensely precious essence.
How precious therefore must God be? Beyond precious itself.
This is beautiful Rowena, beautiful to hear about but exquisite to experience.
Such a simple example and so common to many – I, too would not want to disturb the moment and would never have considered this a form of abuse to my body. In the past my mind, thoughts and verbal exchange was what my feedback regarding who I was yet it was in the moments where I listened to my body’s wisdom that truly connected to me and to what was true. Thank you Rosemary for another marker of understanding in how we choose to love.
All that wanting and needing something – it’s such a game we are all fooled by – the truth is, we have it all within us. No amount of men can give us what we already have inside us waiting to connect to.
I too can relate to this situation described in terms of putting up with a form of overriding myself and what I am feeling for the sake of ‘holding on’ to another person. Even the simple fear of being totally honest with another and letting myself be me in absoluteness is to this day a challenge for me on a very subtle level be it in my intimate relationships with my husband and son or perhaps with friends. It is like I fear that they will be taken away or that something will happen to them, or that they will die, if I let myself be as I naturally am in full.
Gorgeous and simple blog Rosemary that highlights how quickly we as women in particular put our needs last, out of fears that we feed unknowingly with the same behaviours.
True Henrietta, this blog does highlight how, we as women, out our needs last because of being ‘in need’. It’s a dichotomy.
Yes such a great exposure of the ridiculous choices we can make when we fail to self love and get needy!
There is no end to the depth of care and love one can bring to oneself and hence those around.
This insight into the intricacies of relationships can be extended to many aspects of life. How many times have we continued an activity when we are feeling stretched, such as gardening, cleaning house and mowing the lawn, to name a few, because we feel the ‘importance’ in having the job complete more than the respect for our body and how to actually complete the job at hand, yet fully honour how our body wants to do what is ahead of us.
The same anthem applies to friendships: ‘I would rather lose myself rather than this friendship’ or ‘I will keep the peace, be a follower, rather than rock the boat.’
This can be applied to all relationships, which are really arrangements. We do this with friends, partners, our kids, our parents, our neighbours – whoever really. If we really loved the people we say we loved then we would be prepared to tell them how it is, to offer something by way of reflection regardless of any reaction they may have. When we fail to pull each other up or are not open to being pulled up we are in a stagnation that offers no evolution.
As a man I can answer your question in that I have definitely done the same thing by ignoring how my body feels or staying in a position or posture that is uncomfortable out of fear of ‘disturbing the moment’.
We tend to think men are different to women but when we open up and talk about how we feel and what is going on in our lives, we may find that the only differences are our looks and the roles we’ve taken on. When we let go of the limitations of our physical body and who we think we should be, we find men and women are exactly the same in so many ways.
Awesome to hear a man’s perspective in that they too are known to do the same thing. Not so awesome that both men and women do this!