As an adult in my mid forties, I now feel so much more joyful and complete in myself than I have ever done. My relationship with myself and with life has turned, which to me has been miraculous.
From when I was a child to well into my adult life I lived with an inner bleakness. I didn’t love myself, or being a single woman, or my own company… and had no idea what a true relationship with myself would look like.
When it came to relationships, and up until a few years ago, I was quite needy. I had little to no self-confidence and carried a deep lack of self-worth. I was always seeking approval of others, to be liked by them to boost my self-esteem. I developed a way of being nice so that I would get the response from them that I needed. I had always lived with other people; first with my family when I was growing up, and then in my twenties and thirties I lived with housemates.
The thought of living on my own was out of the question as I didn’t think I could handle it and that I would feel lonely.
I thought I would be more complete with people around me and made the effort to build friendships and have a great social life – so that I did not have to be in my own company and which kept me distracted from feeling the pain of the judgments I had about myself. I struggled through life because of this. I was, however, very good at hiding how I felt about myself from the outside world. Looking at me from the outside everything was fine because in my thirties I owned a house and had a good job and I also loved to travel and had great holidays. Physically I had no complaints. I have a petite and delicate body and a pretty face, but my sense of inner self-worth didn’t change with all the facades I put in place.
Finding the ‘right guy’…
I had boyfriends in my twenties and thirties and always assumed I would end up getting married and having children at some point because I had a belief that that is ‘just what women do’.
Besides, if I didn’t do that, then there was something wrong with me… right?
As I moved into my mid-thirties and my last relationship ended, I could feel the pressure of being single and an unspoken decree from society that as a woman not having a partner was somehow wrong. Finding the right guy to settle down with became an underlying weight… Work-wise I was also in a bit of a crisis and felt overwhelmed and stressed, which only added to the stress of feeling I needed a partner.
Universal Medicine and the Start of a Change in Relationship with Myself
Then, at the age of thirty-four (nine years ago), I took part in my first Livingness Workshop presented by Universal Medicine – and I can honestly say from that moment on my life began to change.
Over the subsequent years my relationship with friends, family and work colleagues shifted. I stopped needing all of them to fill me up and tell me that I was okay and lovable.
I began building a relationship with myself, and that included:
- Focussing on the quality of my breath, learning to breathe gently – and experiencing deep changes to my body and wellbeing when I did this. The changes I felt were an ensuing sense of calmness and stillness and a fixed place that I could return to whenever I went into anxiety
- Starting to take note of my inner anxiety, which was often triggered by feeling overwhelmed with demands at work and not feeling able to cope. As work was continually demanding, the feeling of anxiety was quite constant
- Looking at and gaining a deeper understanding around my childhood hurts – where I didn’t feel important or worthwhile. The tension in the house between my parents was intense and it affected how I felt about myself
- Taking greater notice of the food I was eating and how it made my body feel, which was often sluggish, tired and bloated, and as a result choosing to eliminate gluten, dairy and caffeine from my diet
- Going to bed earlier rather than forcing myself to stay up later just to watch the end of a TV program
- Observing where I was reacting to other people because of my insecurity and because I didn’t feel good enough; where I judged myself and thought others were judging me
- Observing that I often took on the emotions of others around me. For example, I would go into sadness when with someone else who was feeling sad, or I would feel sorry for others.
The above may sound quite simple, but for me it has been profound.
In developing a relationship with myself, I have learned to look inward and have found an exquisite loveliness inside, and I know this loveliness is who I am.
There is no pressure on another person to be something for me and, whilst I still love being with others and sharing, I can truly say that I thoroughly enjoy my own company. Having a relationship with myself and being a single woman is joy-full!
As part of this process I let go of the idea of having children – understanding that having babies needs to be a decision that comes from me, not from what is expected of me; or from a need to fill up my own emptiness with a dependence from a child. It felt so liberating to make this choice rather than a decision based on what I thought society expected me to do, and in that, making a choice that honours me.
If a partner comes along that would be great, but equally:
Being in a committed relationship with myself for the rest of my life feels beautiful also!
Looking back, I can hardly believe my inner change – it has been huuuuuge! Here I am today, feeling more complete within myself, steady, physically and emotionally well and vibrant. Outwardly my eyes communicate a sparkle and my body is far more relaxed. I now move far more gently and tenderly. My family members always make reference to my immense inner change and that I am so different to how I used to be. Living now without the emotional turmoil I used to live with is liberating and rejuvenating.
I also love my job – my crisis ended a while ago! And now I can offer so much more of me to everyone I come into contact with. I am less reactive to how others may speak to me and less concerned about what they might be thinking of me because I am feeling secure and strong in myself. I truly see the essence in every single person I come into contact with: this can be felt and creates an opening for a true connection as a result. Smiling and chatting with people in shops or at the checkout feels very natural now – I wouldn’t have been as relaxed and open like this a few years ago.
From now, knowing this in myself, I am seeing the same beauty, strength, grace and tenderness that resides in everyone else, equally so. There is an amazingness to seeing these qualities in everyone, even if in the moment they may not be choosing to express them. Each person has this loveliness inside and can re-connect to it any time they are ready. It lives within us all.
I have full appreciation for the changes I have made in my life in the complete knowing that it is my daily choices and my loving commitment to me and my relationship with myself that supports me in everything that I do. Being a single woman is a blessing and time very well spent, which has allowed me to get to know the true, beautiful me.
Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine have inspired the changes I have made. My appreciation for him and the teachings of Universal Medicine is deeply and sincerely felt.
By Rachel Murtagh, Bed (Hons) Teacher, Somerset UK
Further Reading:
Single By Choice – Does it Really Exist?
624 Comments
It is a killer when we do this ‘I was always seeking approval of others, to be liked by them to boost my self-esteem.’ that is seek outside approval to confirm ourselves. When we do this we are void of a true and solid foundation in which to live and express from but instead are trying to build our self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth from an emptiness that can never be filled or is always seeking to be filled. I feel truly understanding energy is key with this and that is exactly what I have and am still learning through Universal Medicine and Serge Benhayon. Meaning we can feel the truth of this for ourselves within our own body as our relationship deepens with ourself. Our body is an awesome teacher when we truly listen .. something I feel I am just starting to learn more and more. It is really lovely to hear how you now value yourself as a woman.
Choosing to stop looking outside of me for a relationship and for love and instead connecting to the love inside and building a long overdue relationship with myself is one of the most self-loving choices I have ever made. It has been the most amazing journey of inner-discovery which has taken me from the beginning of my 60’s until close to the end, but as a result the woman I truly am has been revealed and I absolutely love and adore her. And I know there are many more discoveries still waiting to unfold.
The relationship we have with ourselves is the foundation of everything in our lives and therefore is crucial it is solid and evolving.
A committed relationship with ourselves is what is needed (and is amazing to build ) whether we are single or in a partner relationship like I am already for more than 30 years. I can relate to the inner bleakness your were referring to and can now say that’s no longer there because of the self-loving choices I have been making and continue to make as there is no end in letting go of what is not love and sharing the love that I am/we are.
There’s something enormously beautiful and settling about knowing you can be in a committed relationship with yourself for the rest of your life – that no matter what happens around you, or what people come and go that one relationship remains steadfast and never changes.
When we come to know who we truly are and where we come from, we are in harmony with the rhythm of all life forms, and it is our responsibility to maintain this knowing through being deeply honouring, caring and loving with ourselves.
It is so inspiring how in committing to a loving relationship with yourself you have turned your life around and in letting go of the neediness for others to make you feel better instead you are inspiring them with the amazing changes you have made.
I think these pictures for women of everything that they need to be are so strong and it takes a lot of deepening in oneself to fully let these go and to move with the freedom of not needing to be anything for anyone but with a deep sense of knowing who you are.
Rachel what an amazing evolutionary journey you have been on, if we do not look inward for our own divinity and love then we are left seeking something in truth we never truly acquire.
Pope can spend life times looking for love, far better to start with the love within and be open to all possibilities.
Yes, Sam we can spend a whole life time looking for a love outside of ourselves. Even if we think we find it, overtime it seems to never last, or quite hit the fulfilling mark of satisfaction that leaves an inner completeness. But, beginning that relationship with myself has filled the longing I was hoping others would fill and I find that, much to my surprise, what I was looking for was already there inside waiting to be connected to.
Thank you Rachel for highlighting the importance of having a loving relationship with ourselves first and foremost, as this forms the foundation to all our other relationships in life. If we know and understand what a loving relationship with ourselves feels like, then we will know the feeling of when we are truly in a loving connection or not with another.
So true the loving relationship we can choose to build with ourselves is the foundation that our relationships with others can then be built on without attachment to needing others to make us a complete person.
When you get married at 51 and 61 for the first time and with no children between us then it is never too late to get married. Life has become all about the love we are committed to in our relationship, and that is all about our evolution towards be connected to our divine essence.
When we settle with ourselves, when we deeply relate to ourselves we are naturally at ease with others, and life blooms because we are in and with, ourselves.
Beautiful Rachel, as before there wasn’t a knowing of that there was a different way, by showing one that is true, and when we are truly seeking one, we only need the inspiration to change. What you have captured are the lies around our beingness. We are here to be in connection with Heaven again, and never ever for temporal life fixes, ideals, beliefs or emotions.
‘We are here to be in connection with Heaven again…’ You have put this so clearly, Danna. And with this understanding there comes a change in the relationship we have to life and everything in it. Our internal dynamic and focus completely shifts even if on the outside everything looks the same.
I understand where you’ve come out of Rachel, and you probably look back now and clock you were just touching the sides. My story is similar… it was so self-abusive that I had everything I dreamed off but my thoughts were still negative. Life is in the body. Once I started to truly appreciate my qualities from my body (not the mind) was I able to shift this age-old depleting syndrome of self-abuse. In every moment that I now know live to the best of my ability to appreciate all that I am from my body because I am lovely just the way I am and always have been. If I’m not feeling great I look at food, exercise, rest, am I being tender and delicate with myself – I honour me.
This feels like the sacred self has become the body of love we are willing to live in Rik.
Being single can be and in fact is a glorious time if you use it wisely. There is much space to observe and let go of patterns, truly meeting oneself without distraction or constant challenge through another’s presence. The only trap is becoming comfortable and not really going deeper with intimacy by being on your own. That´s why it needs that constant commitment otherwise it is just a cruising and all the things like not opening up or being desperate to find somebody who can potentially be a partner, can sneak in and just distracts from the actual deepening with oneself.
I can relate to much of your blog Rachel and also enjoy very much being in a committed relationship with myself. One difference is that I am very joyfully married since 1993 to Christoph whom I live and work with 24/7 – and yet still I love my own company and my relationship with myself (and everyone else).
It’s true, that it doesn’t matter if we are single, or in a partnership, if we have a relationship with ourselves because every relationship thereafter; colleague, friend, family member or partner will get the fuller more loved up version of ourselves to bring to it.
It is so true that to appreciate the qualities that another offers, firstly you need to deeply appreciate what it is that you offer.
Building a relationship with oneself is always the foundation for building true relationships in the world… Really of any sort. And it can be, as you say Rachel so simple to start… And you never really know where you will end up… You could end up deeply in love with yourself ☺
Even being in a relationship for 6 years, the relationship I built towards me, brought a total change to the relationship. And I am not talking about, being easy on my own/ spending time on my own . That has never been a problem. It is more so, feeling your unique qualities, having built a deeper relationship within my body and taking on the purpose I have in the relationship that brought it to a whole other and new level.
Being single is amazing – I agree. It’s a great time to get to know yourself deeper and commit more and more to the world around you. For me it’s about holding a particular standard or quality and never letting my life drop below that for anything, or anyone – or any relationship.
If society says that something should be like this or like that we should always question it, because society has virtually 100% success rate at getting things wrong.
True, there should be more questioning of what society deems correct and acceptable – after all the world is in a mess so we need to be super discerning of what parts we accept and what parts we don’t.
Society deems that if we are not in a relationship, we are somehow lesser… but what quality or value are most relationships in? Is it possible that lack of connection, disagreement, tension and even loneliness are the norm? So, what exactly is society celebrating about relationships? It makes sense to make solid our own self-relationships so that when a partner is present we can bring a more solid union based on love rather than one based on need. This transforms the relationship dynamic completely.
When you are not feeling a depth of love for yourself the idea or feeling of being the same as everyone else is not that appealing because what you see in others is the reflection of what you see in yourself. But when you begin to love yourself again this turns around entirely and you realise it is actually quite delicious to feel the potential of us all being one.
When we build our quality from within how can we not begin to share that with the world around us.
Love to come back and read this blog Rachel, and what a super support it is for all those single ladies out there – for the most important relationship is with ourselves and that is the first relationship to commit to and continually deepen.
“In developing a relationship with myself, I have learned to look inward and have found an exquisite loveliness inside, and I know this loveliness is who I am.” Beautiful, and this is the relationship you share with everyone.
A committed relationship with ourselves and living from the deeply felt physicality of our body are the foundations for entering into any other relationships. These are then free from all the unrealistic demands and expectations that we would normally burden them with.
For me I can probably say that my worst hurts were the ones I placed on myself, thinking I was not good enough and judging myself accordingly. These judgements were really harsh and I looked for constant reassurance from others to feel validated. So being with others brought some relief and distraction from what I was doing to myself on the inside.
I can relate to what you shared here Rachel big time. When I started making similar changes as you have and became more aware of my body and thoughts, it was quite shocking to feel just how much negative self-talk was going on all the time and how I would even translate what someone else said to me in a way that made me feel more at fault or less in some way even if they really did not express anything to that level of negativity. We can be our own worst enemy when we forget just how beautiful and complete we are in the inside, and I love how you have seen this in others after connecting to it yourself. Many times now I actually really enjoy time to myself even though I love connecting to people I meet every day.
‘I thought I would be more complete with people around me and made the effort to build friendships and have a great social life – so that I did not have to be in my own company and which kept me distracted from feeling the pain of the judgments I had about myself.’ I have never seen this in the way you have described it; a distraction from the pain of the judgements about yourself, but feeling into it, I must admit it sounds true and familiar as I was not loving with myself in the time I lived on my own, only I was not aware of how this worked out in my life, or at least I was not choosing to be aware at that time.
It is beautiful to feel how developing a loving relationship with ourselves is what then brings real enrichment to our lives, which make absolute sense, as who we are within, in essence, is magnificent, and it is a joy to freely be who we really are, and bring this quality to life.
‘being a single woman’ sounds like a label when you have a loving and beautiful relationship with yourself and all those around you and there is nothing singular about that.
Rachel, knowing deeply that you are loveable because of the relationship that you have with yourself is like having a precious piece of gold that is carried around with you, that never tarnishes or gets lost. It is there for you constantly while you walk through life always shining and so reflecting back to you how glorious you truly are.
In developing a relationship with myself, I have learned to look inward and have found an exquisite loveliness inside, and I know this loveliness is who I am. This is such a great place to be in with yourself Rachel as when we start to have a relationship with ourselves we connect to our true power and deep inner wisdom that tells us, we are everything already and need to appreciate and honour that.
It is a painful experience when we expect others, whether a partner or a child, to give us what we don’t give to ourselves; it either ends up in failure or a protracted arrangement where niceties might be exchanged (or expletives for that matter) but the truth is never told.
This part about feeling stressed at work and this compounding the need you had for a partner is a very important link. I love that you have the wisdom to see this, that the feelings you were having were not just about themselves but also were being fed by another factor altogether.
I can attest to the changes having met you when you came and to the woman you are today. It has been truly beautiful to see you blossom and know there is so much more to still come into full bloom. Just keep bathing in the sun, watering and nurturing yourself and we will all continue to be inspired by your natural gorgeousness.
I have spent several years being single and during this time I had no desire to be in a relationship as I could feel I needed to deepen the relationship with myself. Time well spent because I re-learnt how to self-care and self-love and really listen to my body. Fast forward, recently I started a new relationship which has allowed me to observe just how much I have changed and how much I have grown and now much I can now fully trust myself, ie in listenting to my inner guidance. What is no longer there is the struggle and the insecurity I used to experience in past relationships. And I express and share so much more of myself. There is much to appreciate!
Thank you Rachel for the reminder that the inner turmoil we experience occurs when we disconnect from the awareness of that loveliness within.
…. and that loveliness within is so easy to connect to. The remedy for the world’s turmoil is so simple, that it could be hard to believe, because of the complication we have made life to be.