Recently I have been reflecting on my relationship with my husband and how far we have travelled together as a couple. There have been awesome times as there have been challenging times, and then there have been those times where we have been at a crossroads, contemplating whether to stay together or not.
One of these crossroads happened well before we got married, when we had been together for quite a few years already, and one could say we got to the crossroad of infidelity.
Before I share this with you, let’s get some definitions out of the way. I suppose there are varying definitions of infidelity (what different people perceive as being unfaithful) and we could say varying degrees of it.
There is the blatantly obvious one of ‘sleeping with another’, then there is oral sex with another, which some don’t classify as having being unfaithful because they have not ‘gone all the way’. Then there are the unfaithful thoughts that we might entertain about another, or the fantasies we might have of another, whilst in the throes of passionate sex with our current partner.
What these have in common is the feeling of a hook, of excitement being offered and of being pulled away from what we have.
My Experience of Attraction vs Connection
I can say that I have experienced this hook during my current relationship. About 4 years into my relationship I met another man whom I was very much attracted to. I could not explain this attraction – I could somewhat rationalise it as he was attractive/good looking, but I could not understand it. It was sudden and almost obsessive and I felt myself going almost stir-crazy trying to not think about this person and I began questioning whether I should be with him or my partner.
It felt like there was so much turmoil in me: I knew that my relationship with my partner was not perfect, but also knew and appreciated the solidness that we held together – I could feel that what we brought to each other was special. This was what confused me – if we were so solid together, why then was I suddenly attracted to this other man?
The tension in me grew to a point where I had to do something about the situation – I was not willing to give up on what I shared with my partner and yet I could not get this other man ‘out of my head’.
I knew deep within me that there was only one thing for me to do to free myself from this obsession and it scared me to do it. But I did it anyway – I bared myself to my partner and told him everything, knowing full well that this could potentially end our relationship, or at best, would rock the boat tremendously. Deep within, I knew without a doubt that I had to do this – I knew this was the only chance I had of holding onto myself and possibly saving my relationship with my partner.
It is important to understand that although I was not unfaithful in the classic sense (as I did nothing other than have a normal conversation with this other man), to me this was still infidelity, as it was entertaining thoughts of another, of allowing myself to be pulled towards another in the way that I was.
I felt the hook and allowed myself to be pulled by it, only for a fraction, but enough to feel how much it took me away from myself, as well as my partner. I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.
Understandably, my partner was deeply hurt by my sharing and I got to feel how much this distraction that I had entertained with another for a week could breach and slice into the trust that we had built up with each other.
I was devastated to feel that this could be the end of our relationship because of how much hurt this brought up for us both, but I also knew once again that this was simply what was needed for me to break the ‘spell’ that I had been under.
In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.
Though I was horrified by how much I had hurt my partner, I also felt the hook being released the moment I expressed with that level of honesty. It was like I was free – free of the obsessive thoughts and free of the pull and the addictive attraction, free to make a choice between the two men and now this choice was so easy – there was no doubt in any cell of my body that I was already with an amazing man – I already had my pot of Gold.
In retrospect, I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.
After this I was still left to feel my own hurt, a feeling of having been fooled into such distraction, and also left to feel how hurt my partner was because of this addictive distraction that I had fallen for. But I was free and I knew the Gold I held now was no fool’s gold. My partner chose to stay with me and not long after this I asked him to marry me, and our relationship has continued to deepen endlessly.
I am sharing this experience not because I feel that others should do as I did, but simply because I now realise how much these situations (like being attracted to another whilst in a relationship) can act as distractions from an already potentially amazing relationship; to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.
Published with permission of my partner.
By Henrietta Chang, Naturopath BaBiol, MApplSci, BaNat
Further Reading:
Healing relationship issues: beginnings of intimacy
One Man’s Experience – ‘To Make Love Or Have Sex?’
Starting a new relationship – the pictures we hold
In a true and deepening relationship nothing is secret as it is felt by the other.
I’ve often found that if there’s a feeling of excitement the situation causing such often has something untrue about it. And yet so many of us, myself included, would say/have said that excitement is a positive thing to have in life. I’ve found that not to be true. Life is more amazing when we go deeper in relationships than just stimulated occasionally.
When connecting in any relationship the love that we have developed for our own self or self-love is important to keep us from being distracted and thus staying focused on what ever is in front of us or being consciously present, so the relationships we are in, will deepen and evolve.
This is a fantastic blog, with much wisdom.
Distraction like this can really hurt us and others.
Far better to be true and to commit to the one you are with .
Magic can not but happen when 2 truly committed, loving, loyal beings come together.
Agreed Henrietta, adding to what you have shared, that if we get distracted while in a relationship then what energy have we allowed to enter us that will create the illusion that the grass is always greener on some-one else turf. As True Love has us seeing the energy we are in clearly so those desires never enter our minds.
When there is distraction in a relationship it is often because one person is putting the brakes on and does not want to go to the next level of intimacy. The human being can creat all sorts of complications just to avoid going deeper with another.
Absolutely, a roller-coaster ride it may be, but deepening our relationship is part of evolution.
Nothing beats the feeling of real purpose and constellation we have with another, why would we ever want to jeopardise that?
Henrietta, this is really supportive to read, thanks for sharing so honestly and openly.
Honesty is essential in any relationship as you showed in this blog Henrietta, ‘ to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.’
Infidelity can highlight how lonely we are within a relationship and the loneliness we feel inside.
Honesty has to be the way as you have shown in this blog, ‘ I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.’
Barriers of protection can hurt us – and others – more than we think. Honesty and self-love are a couple of key ingredients to lessening those barriers.
I wonder if infidelity is an indication of something being very wrong with the original relationship or the person engaging in it or both? Clamping down on it doesn’t solve the underlying issue.
So true Christoph, one could also ponder on where the reflection came from that created the issue in the first place and then be transparent in what we share with our partner to get to the true issue so the relationship set a True foundation, which is required for any relationship to deepen.
All we ever want is pure, uncensored, unabashed Love – which comes from vulnerability and deep honesty. But do we have this with ourselves?
And me feels it does start with our-selves Joseph, as when finding our feet on the return to honesty, deep honesty, absolute honesty and we need these steps to get to start to have a relationship with Truth! Truth is developed through our relationships that are transparent, which is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable or our openness and strength!
My partner and I have had our ups and downs too as does every relationship however what has made our love stronger and deeper is the commitment we have to the love we share and letting go of the stuff we bring in that prevents us from going deeper which is often protection and individuality.
A beautiful example of where complete honesty is shared the Illusion disappears.
It’s great to define infidelity as not an act but the feeling of being hooked by the excitement of attraction with another partner. It is not really about the relationship, it’s the desire we fall for, to have something new, a ‘grass is greener over the other side’ attitude. Relationships are not the happy ever after that we are sold in childhood, and it’s easy to seek something new when this becomes apparent. But to keep growing a relationship is a beautiful thing to observe and be part of.
What you have shared with us is an example of intimacy in relationship. We don’t need to be in a relationship with you (although clearly we are by reading your blog!!) but you have given us an opportunity to consider deeply what you have shared and the transparency an intimate relationship calls for. If we have secrets and things we keep to ourselves then we are open to being ‘sucked in’ to this attraction and obsession type relationship out of need. What you have shared here is laying yourself open, and for us to learn or at least have on our plate of consideration what you have experienced.
I wonder how there can be so many different interpretations of what infidelity is.
What an awesome power honesty and intimacy can bring in the healing that is provided when we share honestly, no matter what, with ourselves and each other, it is truly amazing grace.
Yes, it is the quickest way to get to the truth of the matter.
Yes, I agree Jill, it was very beautiful to read Henrietta’s example of this honesty in this blog, and healing it brought.
The sad fact is that infidelity that we see on Movies are often made to look exciting , glamorous and the be all and end all Yet the truth is infidelity is often devastating to all involved.
‘I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.’ Reading this is helping me see how I put up barriers to intimacy that make me feel lonely. I have wonderful people in my life and I keep them out, this can be subtle at times but is also obvious in practical ways of not ringing people and being open. My fear of rejection isn’t a reality but even if it became one, it cannot be worse than my self-enforced exile because the exile includes being exiled from the loveliness that I am.
The lack of clarity, confusion and general negativity we bring to ourselves and others by looking the other way is never ever worth it.
Keeping expression open and honest in our relationships will always help stop this type of behaviour.
It is great to talk about infidelity in this way and how it can be as subtle as having thoughts about someone else. We tend to see it as only the extreme when in fact, the physical outcome only happens as a result of first considering it.
Commitment, being true, letting someone in and being super transparent and honest is worth its weight in Gold. To say no to love of this calibre and to fall for something else is always to ones detriment.
I love reading blogs where people are absolutely honest about their life as it breaks down any illusion that people are different when in fact we are all the same.
Very beautiful Henrietta. It is often seen as normal to still ‘like to look at other men’ or to fantasise and that nothing is wrong with that but there is a lot that is not true about that. Also I hear sometimes people say that they already had the relationship with the next one whilst they were still with the partner of that moment. And that this ‘just happens’ and we can’t do anything about it, but this is not true. It is only when we have given our all to a relationship and you feel together that it is not evolving anymore for you both to be in the relationship and choose to end the relationship that you can explore other relationships. There is nothing wrong with not being alone for a long time but I don’t feel there is truth in ‘that other person is better than the one I am with now so I end the relationship’. Not to say you should not leave an abusive relationship.
When we hold back it opens up a gap into which all sorts of junk can pour. Pretty soon we start acting and doing things that make no sense thinking it’s us who are doing it all. But it’s not. The way forward as you show Henrietta is to share what we are feeling no matter how small. Otherwise the highway of Love gets blockaded up.
Powerful Henriette, an experience we can all deeply learn from. What I understand from your blog is that being transparent and honest is actually the thing that grows us personally and as couples, or with one another.
I found this line really interesting and key- ‘I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely’. It really made me ponder how we create our own loneliness by how much we allow others in.
Staying faithful to one another, sharing your truth, expressing everything no holds barred is one of the most beautiful things we can do with another. The depth of love on offer when we say yes to each other in full is tremendous and this opportunity for great evolution is open to us all.
Beautiful confirmation that honesty with yourself and with your partner offered you both the opportunity to deepen the foundations of your relationship.
“one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.” This is a very key part of relationships. We like the feeling of new and exciting, it gives us a dopamine hit an adrenaline rush that is highly addictive. Working on a relationship takes effort and asks us to stay, be steady, deal with our past hurts. It takes a commitment to love to know which direction is the right direction for you.
Could infidelity be an indication of an absence of love? This may be obvious but if infidelity is an issue, I would look at love first.
When I think back to the movies I have watched and the TV dramas that get podcast infidelity is often sold as something glamorous, risky and sexy yet this could not be further from the truth. Why would we not want to be honest in a relationship? Honesty is the building block for the magic of real love.
I am all for being open to sharing my all strengths, weaknesses, hurts, amazingness, and deep fond love to not only my partner but to all whom I’m with. Importantly, if you can master it with another partner or friend that will be available for all. It’s very rewarding to be intimate.
There is so much for us to always learn and understand, I love that you chose to be transparent with your partner so allowing the intimacy to deepen, ‘I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.’
For many, cheating is deeply hurtful and often feared, because intrinsically we know it is not true love and showing that there is something going wrong in the relationship to allow for the possibility of being tempted. We need to be constantly open to deepening our relationships, to being honest about any issues and working through them.
There is infidelity and there is jealousy. Jealousy can give the impression of infidelity even when it is not there or create it when it doesn’t exist.
I have also found in the past if I have felt an attraction to someone else, other than my partner that there was someone for me that I was not wanting to feel. There was a thought that the ‘grass would be greener on the other side’, but what I have found if we tend to our grass regularly and lovingly we don;t even consider what the ‘other side’ of the grass may look like.
It is a gorgeous level of honesty you brought to the relationship by telling your partner what was going on. And that is intimacy in itself. Simply opening up and being raw and honest. It seems like that was exactly what was needed in order for you to deepen your current relationship.
Thank you Henrietta, it may be that we reach a familiar comfort point in relationships where we will go so far with deepening that connection. When that point starts to feel restrictive we can either see it as a signal to initiate a way to advance to the next level together, or we can instead look for another partner to escape the tension. It’s great that you busted through the comfort and went to the next level.
Yes and it is so easy to think the answer is to end a relationship. It may well be but I wonder how many relationships stop before they have gone to a level of deep connection to see if the relationship has completed. What I know now is that I would not like to leave a relationship till it is clear that I have committed in full and given it my all. Anything less doesn’t give the partner or the relationship the Love, Space and Opportunity they deserve (capitals letters meant!!!).
It is great that you share this experience of what many go through and may keep to themselves. To learn to open up and be super honest and raw and by doing this allowing everything to come up and be exposed, looked at and let go of so that you can build a more true relationship.
The grass is always greener on the other side. It has been and still sometimes is a hook that gets played out by my mind to escape the actual deepening of intimacy in my recent relationship. It is not very flattering to admit that, but the honesty in speaking about it, gives it a chance to let go. Keeping thoughts and desires hidden and accepted as normal, would never expose them.
When I read the list of infidelities, although the action seems different, I agree that they all share the hook and lure of something more tantalising. Although this may feel real at the time, we all know it can’t last and we will soon be looking for the next hook and excitement. Treasuring and building on the relationships we already have may seem boring but there is so much more we can explore in any relationship.
In my experience one of the worst thing you can do in life is hide the truth. Apart from anything else it simply doesn’t work. As everyone can feel everything, all it does is build distrust. And from this divide connection dies. Then we look around and wonder why our Love isn’t great. The truth is as you beautifully show Henrietta that we are the ones who cheat on ourselves when we hold back and shield how we feel.
Well said Joseph ” we are the ones who cheat on ourselves when we hold back and shield how we feel ” and the world is a lesser place as a result.
I like how you determine infidelity as thoughts, to me to think about another person in that way has always been infidelity but no one’s ever agreed with me!! I also love how you prove that honesty is the only way forward, and that part of being in a relationship is being absolutely honest – no matter how difficult the conversation.
We cannot share intimacy with one another if there is not first honesty – honesty with ourselves and how we feel and honesty with each other. Honesty is an element of the foundations for true relationships, be it intimate, work related, friends or family – each deserve to share with us our transparent selves.
Yes, and that transparency is a building block for the intimacy we know is what we all want! We run from it but we want it…slightly illogical human behaviour…
To already have a pot of gold but get distracted and attracted to the fools gold on offer can lead too many of us to constantly seeking the end of the rainbow.
It is actually showing a mistrust in you and in effect of heaven, that you are with your partner is not right, or a mistake, that there is something better out there. Honouring the constellation that is offered can bring you everything you need for your evolution in this life, when heavenly constellated. No one can present or give you something better or make it easier, as everything is already supplied and amazingly on offer for you.
Henrietta, thank you for sharing this experience so openly and honestly, it is very beautiful to read how you bared yourself to your partner and how this brought intimacy and let the protection come down. I can feel how sometimes we don’t realise we are not letting our partners and husbands in, that we can hold a protection and hurt and keep them at a distance, it is very lovely to read how you no longer do this and that you appreciate the ‘pot of gold’ you already have.
Do we appreciate what we have and just coast – or do we want to delve deeper? I notice in myself – and observe in others – of allowing a relationship (friend or intimate partner) that if we start to get too close one of us begins to pull away. If we don’ t become aware and express this we can lose a great potential relationship.
Thank you Henriette, for presenting the opportunity for us to appreciate just how great our opportunity is to learn, grow and deepen our connection to love and truth through our relationships. I have been discovering how our willingness to understand the purpose of our relationship allows us to observe the moments when we are asked to go deeper, to shed or heal what is getting in the way of our deepening, and at times the distractions that present so we avoid these opportunities. In previous relationship I too have been led astray but such hooks, and now in hindsight can see how it was a distraction from exploring a deeper truth and love that was actually being offered.
A great sharing Henrietta. Thank you for expressing so clearly the process of infidelity, the fact that even our thoughts can be classified as such as well. Lovely to see you strengthened your relationship and took it to another loving level.
Those crossroads in life are very challenging but at the same time an opportunity to do a big leap in our evolution. Your honesty was the way forward to the deepening of your love. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I so love your blog Henrietta, it is so raw and truthful. It’s a great moment shared, a moment when we are offered a point of evolution to deepen our love, which more often than not is a very frightening moment.
Lots of TV, music videos and media encourage unfaithfulness its almost seen as normal to look the other way, all of this of course encourages a false empty life.
Absolutely Samantha, it shows our continual pattern to keep finding ways to avoid deepening our love.
This feels like a very powerful blog to have shared Henrietta – for what you describe is something I see happening a lot in our lives. We constantly second guess and doubt what we do, everything is under critique and review. And then when it doesn’t work ‘out’ we say ‘see I knew it was flawed’ but why does this occur in the first place? Perhaps because we don’t truly commit to anything with all of our heart? Today I feel I am ready to do this at last.
No matter what comes up – it feels to me as though it’s this freedom to express and connect you followed Henrietta that defines our relationships. We look to find ‘the perfect match’ but it’s in the honesty and intimacy that we bring that the gold and richness is. It may not be comfortable to do it – but none the less it’s the thing that keeps our life And friendships clear.
This addictive attraction is something I know every well, and it is like you say – very shocking how much it can take over and how much potential it holds to tear apart what is otherwise absolutely fine. I love the way however that you just knew that you had to be honest and in doing so you were able to feel what was really going on for you. Beautiful to read.
What is interesting to read here is that it may not be infidelity that is only distracting us from the pot of gold but the way in which we often sabotage and great learning that is offered by another to expand and all in all the markers we have used in the past to sit and stew rather than expose and learn.
Such a beautiful blog and I agree attraction only occurs when we miss something in our current relationship. It is great to realise though that attraction never matches true love, it might be exciting for a while but it does not touch having long consistent true love with someone.
There is a forever deepening in any relationship, if we so allow it. infidelity is a big distraction to what is really going on.
Nothing in this world beats being in true connection with another and together evolving forever uncovering the magic of the universe.
Its very easy in any relationship (intimate or not) to not realise the warning signs that something isn’t quite right, and the flow and ease that was there now isn’t. This doesn’t have to be the way though, and through open-ness and transparency, little things can be honestly worked through together so they don’t become big things.
Thank you Henrietta for a very beautiful and inspiring story, I loved the honesty with which you shared, showing how that with true honesty between couples intimacy can deepen.
Henrietta, it is very beautiful to read how you were so open and honest with your partner and how this has allowed you to appreciate and clearly see the potential of your relationship and how this relationship now continues to deepen, this level of honesty is very inspiring for me.
This is an incredibly honest sharing Henrietta and I feel inspired by how transparent you were with your husband and now, everyone reading this. Despite the fact that it would have been painful and very challenging to go through that, you have essentially broken through so many layers only to build an even more solid relationship with your partner and then by default everyone else you have contact with. That’s huge, and so desperately needed for us all to witness.
I am deeply touched with this story. I saw that how just like the physical injury after an unloving choice can prompt a deeper level of self-love, the situation you found yourself in was painful but in it did contain the seed and the possibility for the two of you to deepen your love and commitment. How gorgeous that you both chose to go there. And it would not have happened without your choice to be transparent and your husband to hold you in love and understanding.
There are always going to be distractions from deepening the love with ourselves and therefore with another… it is knowing the distractions and seeing them for what they are and while they may be different or get more intense they are still a distraction.
Your blog helped me to see that our relationships are impacted by a whole range of distractions from social media to infidelity if we do not allow ourselves to truly open up to one another and express ourselves in full.
Being tempted by infidelity and ignoring the pot of gold we have is so not worth it, when we stick with Love we reap the benefits.
Thank you Henrietta for ‘going there’, what you have shared here is so super important. What you have described is that these feelings do come up and they are more common that we could possibly imagine, so having this type of dialogue is really great. So thank you again for sharing.
Perhaps the greatest infidelity is to not be aware of the love that we already are.
Reading this again highlighted the importance in transparency in relationships and being willing to communicate with each other and not hide things away. Thank you.
The hook of another can definitely be seen as a signal that something is missing in the relationship, as you found out by revealing honestly how you felt. What’s interesting is we can place the blame for this on our partner but it’s for both to step up in deepening the level of relating. I also feel that many people could consider your experience quite normal and not question it, yet by not accepting your pull towards another and by communicating about it honestly, it offered you both the opportunity to go deeper together. I also appreciated how you have expressed integrity in relationships – that whether you physically enact infidelity or just think about it it’s still infidelity.
Very relatable to many. We so often hear partners blame each other when infidelity takes place removing any understanding and thinking that the grass will be greener on the other side. This blog brings so much truth to the topic and the true meaning of the word intimacy.
What is really revealing in this expose on infidelity is how much the attraction is about a mental attraction and the idea of something exciting and a distraction from a lack of intimacy in our current relationships.
You have clearly demonstrated the power of honesty and openness in your sharing here Henrietta, thank you. Having the courage to open yourselves up to vulnerability, fragility and having honest conversations is inspiring.
When unhappy with ourselves we can often look for something different whether it is a new look, new relationship or new job. Yet often when we look within and deal with what is coming up we find we may not need a change just a different approach and deeper acceptance of ourselves and others.
To be in a relationship and say yes to evolution is to say no to staying comfortable and unexposed, this is something to greatly appreciate and celebrate. When we move from relationships unresolved what are we bringing to the next one? We are naive to think that we won’t be presented with the same things to work on there too. Relationships are with everyone and what we choose to work on for ourselves with one person, we are doing so with all and this is truly evolutionary. When we deepen with one we are deepening with all and without this known fact we are not really changing anything but instead building one relationship to be ahead of the rest and this is just not (energetically) possible.
I love how you share about the difference between attraction and connection. Attraction being created by a need or feeling of loneliness in a relationship and connection together with intimacy being the true answer to the emptiness we might feel in a relationship. I found being in relationship really highlights if there is a deeper level of intimacy and connection to go too which can be challenging and uncomfortable but very beautiful if we see it for the opportunity to deepen and evolve the relationship together.
I love the honesty in which you have shared this for others to learn from… and love that when choosing to express this honesty to your partner in the way you did, that you were freed to feel the truth of the situation and make a choice based on this and nothing else.
This is really beautiful to read. I feel we’re often offered choices that either allow us the comfort of not going deeper but in that depth is the gold of who we are. I am single and can find myself wondering about certain relationships which is all in my head, all a distraction from my relationship with me.
Commitment to self and to life, to evolution, great to ponder on how deep is our commitment to love, ‘to see how committed we are to developing honesty in the relationship with ourselves and with our loved one.’
There is a lot to ponder on in here. There is so much honor in between the lines. The honor of acknowledging the fact that already thoughts have the power to separate and hurt, the honor of allowing yourself and others to be vulnerable, the honor and grace of accepting one’s imperfections as part of a full expression when we address them with responsibility.
From experience I know that the slightest glance from a partner towards another woman can spark off a feeling of jealousy or mistrust. But when this happens it stems from a feeling of insecurity within me. There have been other times when this has happened but I have been feeling rock solid within myself and the thoughts do not enter my head and I feel rock solid. It’s a reflection for me of where I am at in myself.
It is amazing how things can come into our life and offer a hook to focus on something else, change our direction or just make our focus wobble just a little of our path. What your sharing is beautiful, to see these hooks as simply a offered distraction away from the pot of gold we already have in our lives.
“In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.” this line really stood out for me as it is so easy to begin to stop sharing in the false idea that you will be able to ‘keep’ everything safe and in control when it does the opposite!
When reading this blog again I have the feeling of ‘the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence’ syndrome. We often seem to not want to look at our problems or difficulties and wish to go to pastures new as a way of resolving them. Yet, if we crossed the fence the same problems would remain as we take our issues with us wherever we go.
Holding thoughts and feeling such as this can simply be either a block to taking an existing relationship deeper or protection from the exposure that we feel in doing so as we asked to allow ourselves the increased vulnerability of letting go of the ‘get out’ clauses of the past.
Michael you are adorable.
Recently it’s been really in my face lately those hooking or attractive thoughts while I am at work. Thinking about what I’ll have for lunch on my breaktime rather than being with the customers and my work colleagues. Reading this again makes me wonder what I am avoiding feeling and what is there to appreicate by being with people and not thoughts. Straight away I know that any food while working = dullness and unsettlement whereas working with people = vitality and energy and lightness. Why then trade this gold for misery?
Truth and true love support each other and I have found that if we lie or try and pull the wool over someone’s eyes it always comeS out for the worst!
Such a great sharing and one that affects so many of us, these distractions are so easily entertained as we get caught in the game of not wanting to go deeper and more intimate with our partners and even with ourselves. This is very inspiring that laying all your cards on the table, every single one – even your thoughts create an opportunity and a place of absolute honesty and trust. These are the foundations that builds a deep, loving and strong relationship.
Thanks for sharing this Henrietta – the same thing happened with a past partner but unfortunately I discovered it without him being honest and sadly that was the beginning of the end for us. For me honesty is the best policy, even if it’s heart breaking news because from there you can build with trust; without that it’s like building on top of a foundation of a big hole!! So awesome you had the courage to do that and after only one week – very inspirational!
A really powerful sharing about the sugar-coated hook that brings obsessive behaviour about another when in fact what really stops us from getting the intimacy we so crave are those barriers we don’t even realise we’ve put in place to keep people out that are in fact making us lonely. Could this be one of the reasons behind the cycle of serial monogamy? What’s great is your message that for you, intimacy began ‘to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him.’ The truth is, expression is everything.
Commitment or distraction, it is but a choice we choose it not just in relationships but with everything we do, what food we eat, and how we express.
How much do we appreciate ourselves and our life, and if we don’t, how many of our choices are coming from a lack of appreciation – we can get distracted and wonder of course if we haven’t really felt the amazingness of where we are.
Any excitement is not truly love. When we feel we are being hooked into excitement, we are already being taken away from ourselves, therefore we have left what is love. This moment calls for a stop. The choice is then clear, do we return to the relationship with ourselves or not?
We always have a choice, commitment and to deepen our intimacy, or distraction, excitement and avoid deepening our relationship, this is really great to have this subject so honestly shared, ‘ I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.’
“Our issues follow us until we deal with and heal them.”
Absolutely Marika, everyday is an opportunity to walk towards our issues and explore them head on or we can choose to avoid & bury them deeper only for them to crop up once again until we break with what we know, no longer serves us.
“I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.” I have experienced periods in my relationship where we have chosen function and business over and above connection, this has resulted in a deep sense of loneliness and sadness, firstly because I miss myself and secondly because I miss the confirmation of this with my partner.
This is an absolutely incredible article written with rawness, honesty absolute truth and integrity. Opening yourself and your relationship up like this will be a healing and blessing for many. Too often we are not willing to share and talk about what really goes on in relationships and how we feel with our partners, friends or family. In this we hold onto hurts or bury them deeper, often building resentment or letting a relationship go by the way, or become one of comfort, instead of the willingness to take it deeper.
For too long we have allowed resentment and frustration to fester whilst holding onto or burying our hurts, Henrietta shows another way, a nakedness that puts truth and evolution before the imprisonment of self.
“In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.” I love what you have shared here Henrietta, I can very much relate to this feeling of how the door to intimacy opens up as we choose to bare ourselves and face the consequences – It’s like free falling off a precipice, a moment where we surrender all protection and trust in power of love and truth.
This is a beautiful blog Henrietta, thank you for being so truthful, very inspiring.
My partner and I have been in many similar situations; crossroads in our relationship. Our commitment to each other is borne from a knowing that these hurdles have a purpose and that if they are not crossed now, they will come back again in the next relationship. Thus as we dedicate ourselves more and more to evolution, it becomes easier and easier to face any difficulties.
What stood out for me from your comment Otto is that ‘hurdles have a purpose’. So true and a great reminder not to see them as something in our way but an opportunity to move forward with deeper understanding.
Thank you Henrietta. The honesty that you bring to this subject (that I dare say affects almost every couple at some point in their relationship) is very powerful. This is true expression; purposeful and evolutionary.
Henrietta i’ve often heard the phrase “The Grass is Greener on the other side”, and with your pot of gold analogy they kinda link together. If we don’t truly appreciate ourselves and what we have including our choices about how we live our lives then we miss out on the love that is there and our existing relationships. I’ve come to understand there is no static and so we either deepen those relationships or they fall apart. The choice is ours. Distraction and attraction or loving choices and commitment to self first?
This is such an inspiring read Henrietta. Thank you for sharing.
‘ I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship’. Many people feel lonely and unsupported in their relationship, and the key is to be honest about this, to share what we are feeling so that the next steps can unfold that supports us to go deeper. Thank you for all the honesty shared here Henrietta.
I love all your wise and honest sharing in this blog Henrietta, especially the courageous part of baring your soul to your husband at the risk of losing him, which actually as you have shared broke the spell that was hanging around you, trying to distract you from going deeper. A beautiful lesson to share with us all.
This is a brilliant blog, Henrietta, thank you for sharing to openly and honestly. I completely relate to what you have shared and can feel for myself where, in the past, I have allowed myself to become ‘distracted’, I so appreciate you sharing your truth. It’s quite insidious how energy works, if we find ourselves at a road block, rather than choosing to address it, we may choose to find a distraction to avoid having to go there. It makes perfect sense, if we don’t want to evolve and are willing to give up the love and trust that we have nurtured with our chosen partner. What I am feeling from your blog is the importance of appreciating all that we already are and all that we already have with our partner. The more we do this, the less room there is for ‘distractions’ and we are naturally impulsed to want to grow the relationship further.
This article reminds me of commitment, commitment to life and to love. Thank you Henrietta.
This brings up an important topic about relationships in that when get distracted from a relationship there is much more going on than what it seems. It presents an opportunity to be far more honest about where a relationship is at and whether there is the willingness to go deeper.
In this day and age we have a lot of media that promotes infidelity in one way or another making it look exciting and tantalising it is so refreshing and deeply healing to read something does not do that and instead offers the truth and exposes the lie that the grass is always greener on the other side.
The title of this article says it all – infidelity being just one of many distractions we use to avoid a deep, true, evolving and ever deepening relationship with ourselves and life. I have been single for a long term (lots of learning in there too) but am just now surrendering to all the learning and expanding on offer in a one to one relationship. In fact, I am blown away daily by the power of surrender and the impact this has on every aspect of my life.
Honesty is our way back to truth, where we know and feel true love.
Thank you Henrietta for so honestly sharing your experiences and wisdom.
I found this part about having barriers up that kept your partner out which reduced any chance of true intimacy between you which left you feeling lonely, very poignant.
These are very wise words as it can be so tempting to go for the exciting and thrilling experience with the new but by opening up fully and sharing all of you this gave you exactly what you were deeply craving, intimacy. A fantastic learning and very inspiring, thank you Henrietta.
Henrietta -How beautiful it was to read this very honest and intimate blog.
It really highlights the importance of honesty in relationships and the need to be transparent, to allow for a deeper level of love as our true foundation.
This is amazing to read, and feel what amazing opportunities we get in life to deepen our love. We get tested but when we choose that what is needed it brings a much deeper quality to life.
How much in life do we seek to avoid, to escape, to run away, to come back to our issues another day? Whilst our relationships may have aspects or things in them that are not true, has it ever really worked for us to leave and start something new? For we always take everything we are working on to the next person or place. So what a trick it is to cut and run. Really the only thing this cuts us off from is our evolution and our feelings. So in this way it is us who cheats on Love and Truth as you say Henrietta.
Feeling a connection with another may simply be just that, and yet, it may be easy to jump to infidelity because of this mis-understanding or mis-reading of what is actually going on.
We are often led to believe that the grass is greener on the other side, and often it is because we have not yet had the chance to poison it. It is thus much more responsible to stay on our own side of the fence and clean it up first so that we can give it chance to revert to the fertile paddock it once was.
Yes, Adam, a simple truth that we can all relate to. When we do not want to clean up our own patch, it is easy to want to be somewhere else and not have to deal with our own choices.
I love this Adam. So simple and so clear. And it is this clarity that is so appealing to us, but as you say we have to be prepared and willing to clear up our own mess first in order to have that fertile soil and fresh green grass for ourselves.
I reread the blog and it brings up for me how I sabotage myself and my relationship by having a certain image of my partner and because this is fix the relationship cannot evolve. For me it is to work on truly letting my partner in in full. Thank you for your honesty, Henrietta.
When we don’t fully appreciate all that we have in our relationship it can be all to easy to let our attentions wander, so appreciation is the key
I feel from your honest sharing Henrietta and the comments on this blog that any thoughts regardless of whether we act on them or not can cause a barrier in a relationship and stop it from going deeper. I know that I am comfortable with a certain level of intimacy and if asked to go deeper I will conveniently find ways to keep things at my comfortable level. It can be food it can be judgement there is a myriad of things I can conjure up just to avoid intimacy, yet deep down this is what we ‘crave’ the most.
There are many things that can distract us or hook us in, if we are avoiding something in ourselves or our close relationships. I find it quite incredible what I can end up thinking about when I don’t want to feel something, and this can spiral into making something out of nothing. Now at least I have a strong marker of what it feels like when I am coming from a connection and presence in my body, so I do not drift off too far before realising it.
Such situations can be great hooks to distract us from deepening our relationships. Do we see and appreciate the ‘gold’ we have in front of us and already are?
Gorgeous sharing that there was the truth to stay and the truth to share. Thank you.
‘I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.’ I love how your willingness to look at ‘the hook’ and thus reveal the truth of what was happening in your relationship. Such a great level of responsibility and commitment to love.
An ouch! topic that is so needed for us to get real about how many potential relationships can fall apart when we choose attraction over connection. Henrietta you have pulled apart the images we all have that the grass is greener on the other side not choosing not to tend to our own backyard and the responsibilities that go with saying yes to a relationship. This blog highlights far greater questions about individual responsibility.
‘Though I was horrified by how much I had hurt my partner, I also felt the hook being released the moment I expressed with that level of honesty’ We can choose to hold back on truth thinking we are protecting ourselves and our partners yet ‘the hook’ if it stays is so much more damaging to our relationship than truth ever is.
Attraction vs Connection this is a topic that I feel many of us didn’t really understand, I know growing up there was no one that explained to me the difference. This meant I would think I was “falling in love” when I was simply seeking people to be attracted to, the attraction I felt was trying to find something to fill the empty feeling I felt inside. As I learnt about connection in the last decade or so I can see that first building a connection with ourselves is the key point. After than we can deepen our connection with all others. It’s a very different feeling yet as a child I know connection was what I sought, yet without it we settle for what we can get. How incredible would it be to re-introduce true connection throughout all our lives?
Sometimes it seems easier to move on or distract with another new relationship than face what is really going on in our current relationship.
The simplicity and honesty in this article is truly inspiring, why do we as humans avoid real love and actually make things more complicated? We all deserve love as that is what we are made off, when we look the other way because we don’t want to go deeper we are sabotaging the possibilities and opportunities that are there and instead choosing the quick fix option that ultimately leads to disappointment and sadness.
Getting honest is such a respectful thing to do. It is respecting the fact that we are energetic beings in the first place, communicating via light and all-knowing about everything we do or think anyway. Being transparent honours this fact and brings reality to an energetic truth.
This blog offers a great perspective and the question for those who find themselves tempted by another to look at what it is that is truly tempting: is it a greater opportunity and therefor exposing the relationship we had been in or is it avoiding to deepen our own love and commitment?
Something that occurred to me after reading this blog is how much I have not accepted and appreciated many things in my life, including my incredible wife, and how this constant judging or searching for something better (the ‘grass is greener just around the corner’ trap), whether it be a better job, career, hobby, sport, partner, etc. has only lead to frustration, anxiousness, and lack of presence throughout my life, which is a massive energy drain to say the least. If we instead look at the scenarios we are currently in (work, family, and otherwise) and realise we are the ones responsible for creating this situation or life dynamic and there is something to learn from and perhaps teach to the other people you are involved with, it gives life a greater meaning and purpose and has lead to me personally appreciating every moment as an opportunity for growth more and more, instead of focusing on something I don’t have.
Your commitment to yourself, your partner, to truth and honesty is truly inspiring…….and such a beautiful reflection to others on how to lovingly move forward in their relationships.
Your blog Henrietta clearly shows that the truth really does set us free.
This is a great sharing Henrietta and I can certainly relate to it . For many years when ever it was time to deepen the relationship with my current partner, instead of going there I started to look for a distraction outside and eventually ended up with a new partner. After about six relationships I met Serge Benhayon and he brought me to a full stop, even though we did not even talk about this addictive behavior, but something in the way he treated me made me realize that I was avoiding something very beautiful that I could have with a man if only I allowed it and so I took a break to heal the devastation that I had caused for myself because of my behavior and eventually after some time alone met my now husband and with him I am learning every day how to deepen in relationship.
Thank you for sharing so honestly Henrietta about the distractions we are offered to lure us away from our pot of gold. I can remember being horrified to find myself attracted to another man in the first year of my marriage and although I knew that I would never act on this attraction it still felt like a betrayal. For me this meant having to face the reflection that I was holding back in my relationship for fear of being rejected, I was as honest as I was able to be at the time and the trust between us deepened but was ultimately not enough to keep us together; however I have never forgotten the experience and appreciate what it revealed to me.
The honesty you share with us Henrietta about the importance of honesty in a relationship, particularly the issue of infidelity, is really inspiring as most wouldn’t dare to go there for what might happen as a result, the loss, shame, regret. Though with true and deep understanding as you found, the blossoming that occur is spectacular and even richer than before because of the choice to evolve the relationship.
To bare our soul to our partner or whoever, is like a deep cleanse, lifting the dark veil that was present, bringing back clarity and truth.
I like how you have taken infidelity and stripped it right back to even having thoughts of others. If there is anything that is a giveaway, it would be our private thoughts, and that if we are honest with ourselves first, can re-align ourselves back before our actions start to bring thoughts deeper into the body.
How often have we all focused on a distraction rather than what is coming up within ourselves? I know I certainly had a pattern of chasing any distraction rather than open up and feel the potential for the relationship. This has been my choice a choice that lacks responsibility. As I develop a deeper more loving relationship with myself I am opening up to humanity and expressing my love and allowing other in.
To be honest with others in relationships we first have to be willing to be honest with ourselves.
It is true; you never appreciate what you have till it’s gone. But why do we long for the grass that is never greener on the other side of the fence? Infidelity is one of those fences in all of our relationships that we allow to form from our choices, by not expressing and being open.
Honesty is vital in a relationship and I loved reading that you realised there was something wrong when you found yourself attracted to another person. It just shows how deep that hurt goes when nothing had actually happened but the distraction had been there taking us away from the intimacy which we all look for in a relationship.
“In retrospect, I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further” – Henrietta what a great way to see and regard infidelity, as in the choice to evolve and the way we do this … because there’s never a right or wrong choice, only choice. A choice that’s designed by us, for us, for our own growth whichever direction A or B we may choose.
Awesome sharing right back Zofia! At every point we are essentially offered an opportunity – at least this is how we can choose to see it, an opportunity for change instead of a challenge and a terrible thing. But how many times do we let the opportunity slide by without grabbing it? How many lost opportunities in a day? Or how many times do we seize the opportunity and allow for the needed change? It all lies in how we choose to perceive things!
This is so revealing
‘In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.
Each of us in a relationship play our part, rather than taking responsibility in our relationship with each other we can be seduced by attraction, which takes us even further away from intimacy in the true sense.
Why does attraction happen in the first place when were in a relationship? We are not going into intimacy, we are living an arrangement, otherwise attraction cannot give anything to us.
This is so honest Henrietta and inspiring as you opened yourself up to your partner in the way you did, and you both felt your hurts but it gave an opportunity to look at your relationship and where it was and where it could go, into deepening of intimacy and friendship. You are a role model.
Thank you for sharing this Henrietta, it is an important subject to talk about it in this way. Where we can be hooked by the exciting, new attraction and enjoy the stimulation which takes us away from our own relationship and from us. If this happens to us, it is something we can look at honestly and ask what is happening in my relationship, what has happened to me that i have been ‘taken under this spell’ of attraction? Because it is like a ‘spell’ and sometimes we can make choices that can be very painful and much to loose when the spell breaks. Or we can look at ourselves and our relationship and see where is the intimacy. In a relationship it can be an unfolding and deepening of intimacy.
When we are thinking of another while with our partners or whoever, we are not respecting who we are currently with, or ourselves and basically saying, I won’t give you my full attention and love because my needs are greater than this moment with you.
I love the way you were so honest about your thoughts Henrietta, and it is so true that the thoughts are just as much an infidelity as an actual physical act. They take us away from the reality of ourselves and our situation, and we can no longer be in the fullness of ourselves or in full loving partnership with our partner. That way relationships fall apart without knowing why, unless a couple can come together with the insight and honesty that you shared with you partner.
When reading about the crossroads choice – to go deeper with your relationship or choose another that offers excitement and distraction but won’t ask of you to go deeper I’m reminded of my relationship with myself and food (to eat to numb or dull), with sleeping ( to not take myself to bed and surrender but to stay up and fall into exhaustion), with work (to look at other jobs knowing my job where I am is not done), with anything that I can feel will take me away from going deeper with my relationship with self.
Being distracted – law of attraction – is very familiar to me. As Henrietta is sharing, I can relate to the fact that it is in fact taking away the focus of having to deepen the relationship with me and with my partner. Sometimes the upcoming patterns aren’t ‘easy’ to deal with. Easy in the sense that they can be very exposing. Yet on the other hand, dealing with it is very simple. If we but make the choice to recognise, own up, deal and communicate with our partners. I am learning on my own to accept that relationships will forever deepen and there’s no end point. That is in fact the beauty in life, but for somebody who wanted (a lot of) control it is also challenging.
’After this I was still left to feel my own hurt, a feeling of having been fooled into such distraction, and also left to feel how hurt my partner was because of this addictive distraction that I had fallen for.’ – If we are truly honest, most of us know very well the devastation from feeling the consequense of our own choices.
When things go wrong in any relationship, it is often the case that the ‘aggrieved’ one blames the other for their misery, and, where there is no self-awareness, there is no responsibility taken for one’s own part in the breakdown, so it’s easy to look outside for someone who appears not to have that particular ‘fault’. When we look within and can take responsibility for our part in everything that happens to us. then it’s easier to appreciate what is truly going on and to take steps to make changes.
What a powerful revelation that says so much Henrietta — infidelity arising from our unwillingness to be intimate and share our all with our current partner — and also with ourselves. This is deeply humbling to feel, and so simple to recognise and deal with if we choose to. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly.
Developing intimacy by sharing on a deeper level how we are feeling, has been a revelation. This understanding of intimacy adds a richness and depth, lightness and clarity, it’s something that I’m realising fills the holes where attraction could hook in and pull us away from even a very solid relationship.
When we really get to see more and more our pot of gold , our power, we less and less want to separate from this.
I feel like people often can’t see how amazing their partner is in relationships, because sometimes we focus so much on the arguments and day to day issue that we stop seeing what is there to love about them. But could this also be true of ourselves first- That we spend so much time focusing on the things that we perceive are wrong, need changing and improving on our issues, and almost no time appreciating or loving ourselves.
The entertainment of ‘something or someone else’ is just a deviation of my own lack of commitment.
Every relationship has to evolve – if not it becomes boring, or rather redundant. To care for our relationships is necessary, to deepen and expand them is the natural movement. I found myself sometimes holding back the next step, holding back to deepen and this then reflects my relationship with me. It becomes superficial and I start to miss something. But this ‘something’ is me not going for what is there for us to unfold and express.
Having the attraction as you have described Henrietta is like having a third person in the relationship, they may not be physically sitting there with us but they are still in-between disturbing the harmony or the potential to grow as a couple – I applaud you for your transparency with your husband as many would have kept it to themselves.
Thank you Henriette your example of how to address this very common situation is truly inspiring. I agree, so often we get hooked into the potential of an exciting new relationship without appreciating the fact that it may be a huge distraction that is preventing us from taking our current relationship to a whole new level. It certainly was a courageous decision to bare your soul and share so honestly what was happening, but evidently a vital step to take and one that brought you closer together because honesty is essential if we are to build trust in one another.
“In reality, the spell was released because I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.” I wonder how many would take the step you did Henrietta, for fear of losing their partner or because it brings an added tension to an already strained relationship. As you say speaking up allowed you to release that which was holding you back, and the honesty brought a deeper level of intimacy to your relationship.
Yes, I too had kept a secret from my husband early in our marriage about feelings and deep attraction I still felt for another man who was my previous boyfriend. This secret which I thought would not be harming definitely was as I then questioned and thought of my past boyfriend all the time whilst acting as if nothing happened or changed in my present relationship. My inner turmoil got to a point where I needed to be honest with how I felt in each of the relationships. By expressing this openly and allowing myself to be vulnerable no matter the consequences the “spell” was broken.
“I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.” Such a crossroad really asked if I am willing to open up and share all of me and to be more intimate now or instead find something new what gave me the possibility to distract myself away with a good reason as I can pretend to go deeper in this next relationship which could be a good trick to never go deeper and intimate at all.
My feeling is with these thoughts of another that part of the attraction is the stimulation of having a secret. And as long as it is a ‘secret’ we think it is not harming any one. So if we are seeking this distraction and stimulation it is important to ask ourselves why? This means we have to be honest with ourselves and our partner as you have demonstrated here, thank you Henrietta.
It is all to easy to get caught in the idea of someone or something in your head and being attracted to the idea rather than the reality, and in doing so we take a step away from reality, and can lose sight of all we have.
My relationship with infidelity starts with myself and the dreams I used to have about having sex or wet dreams. Until I discovered how lost I was and how I lost control of my life and I let it be run by a loveless energy. I had openings that allowed my body to be controlled while I sleep. Coming to terms with this issue has taken me over 30 years of soul searching and it was only recently under the guidance of Serge Benhayon the whole picture has unveiled for me. I can now say I no longer carry the energy of being a sexual molester!
When I have been distracted by thoughts of a potential relationship I have been very caught up in my head, picturing different scenarios and possibilities. By being caught up in my head I am by default disconnected from my body and my poor body is governed by the fantasies in my head. Our bodies do not have to be involved in something real to have physical reactions, simple thoughts are enough to trigger a multitude of different reactions.
The whole idea of bringing it back to ourselves first is not familiar. I know from past experiences I have blamed the other person first for things that might not be going well in a relationship. Rather than sharing how important that person is to us and allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable and risk rejection, we reject the other person first. This type of behaviour means we don’t ever get to deepen the intimacy and connection we have in any relationship.
Many may not have seen your actions as being unfaithful. I can imagine many not sharing how they felt the way you did Henrietta, but what it shows is that the thoughts still have an impact. That seed is an opening, and if you hadn’t been honest enough to go there with your partner it could have grown and had more serious consequences the next time. You gave yourself and your partner the opportunity to work through what was there to be healed.
On reading this blog again I can feel just how much infidelity is an avoidance of what is presented and or available to us in our relationships. This might be from surroundings or committing to it fully, truly letting another in and being intimate or just allowing there to be a constant reflection back to us of how we are.
The moment we choose to be honest and transparent, we allow love to deepen. The outcome is secondary to that, the paths may separate or stay joined, the love will deepen.
What is it about us that we are so resistant to going deeper with our relationships with others and ourselves? So much so that we are prepared to distract ourselves with ending relationships and starting new ones in the time we need to go deeper.
The link to infidelity starts well before the look or the thoughts. It starts when we become unfaithful to ourselves.
The ultimate form of infidelity is being unfaithful to myself. I have experienced this recently when I went along with something against my better judgement. The betrayal to myself was huge and it caused a total mess all around me. Commitment starts with myself to myself. How can anyone else trust me if I can’t trust myself?
I think the same actually applies if you are in a relationship and entertain thoughts of your partner, or the relationship being different to what it is.
It is still taking the irresponsible route of entertaining thoughts, and a false reality over bringing a deeper quality to it from within yourself, and taking responsibility for your self in full.
In realising that your current relationship was lacking intimacy Henrietta; but then bringing it to the table, you were able to tap into the potential that was there waiting for you.
I think sometimes we judge a relationship as being a certain way before we bring a greater depth to it. As we determine how far we are willing to go in any relationship, we are key in the quality and level of intimacy.
So true Kylie, and we can be so quick to blame another for a certain behaviour or a way of being as it is more convenient than stopping to feel how we have played a part in the big picture – how we may have allowed for such a behaviour because of a lack of true reflection from ourselves. Essentially we are all responsible all of the time.
The grass is not always greener on the other side – although we would really like to think it is. Appreciating what we have and feeling the choices that lead to that place is a great way to understand our situation and know what the next steps are in our journey and path.
I will take these words with me Rachael, very wise indeed.
I have felt this ‘hooking’ aspect before too, and can very much relate to the spell being broken once we express what it is we are caught in. This goes for many things, even stuff that we may be reacting to or making assumptions about in life, once they are verbalised and nominated it’s like their hold ceases and we are left free to feel what we were in and how to move forward.
Thank you for expressing your experience with such honesty and openness Henrietta, we can all learn from this. I feel there are many crossroads in relationships and in life where we are given the opportunity to speak up and open up or choose distraction and comfort instead.
Henrietta thank you for your honest blog, when we start to feel unhappy or unfulfilled in a relationship and are tempted to look elsewhere, it is important to be honest with ourselves and our partners because we often don’t appreciate what we have, or when we are asked to be more love, it’s easier to run away than have to face what holds us back from being all that we truly are.
Looking back on my relationships, the pattern to go into an arrangement is clear, and I can now understand that truth and honesty would have been part of our growth. What stops us from going there is we have put energy into avoiding the feelings and it becomes uncomfortable, which is only a result of holding back expression. If I want a continuing loving relationship it comes with the responsibility to be up front and honest constantly.
Spot on Michelle – We can and do often just have functional relationships (with our partners, with our friends, with family, with work colleagues etc), but it does not have to be this way – it is about us ‘daring’ to open up and share with another more of ourselves. It can really be that simple and this then allows the unfoldment of so much more than we even expected, and allows the warmth and intimacy to develop for ourselves and with those around us. And this is a constantly deepening process – it is not some thing you achieve after a few weeks and then that’s it. As I have discovered it just deepens all of the time, and there are times when this ‘tests’ you in your trust of the deepening – it seems like the moment we drop into a comfortable level of intimacy with another, then the next door for intimacy going deeper is available for us to open up, but opening this door requires a change in the way we are with another. As human being we often struggle with change, and so we may not always be open to more, despite the beauty that comes from it. But if we don’t embrace the deepening then we fall back into the function of the relationship. In function there is no growth, there is no evolution, there is only stagnancy.
It is so true we know deep down inside what is true and what is not so when we align with those thoughts of another and allow this to run we know how much harm we are actually causing. What I love what you have shared Henrietta is that from opening up, being honest, this was an opportunity for the two of you to go to the next level of intimacy that you both were craving. The beauty is that there is no end point of getting there with intimacy, it is forever expanding and the key is not to settle for anything less and keep expanding with it.
I keep coming back to this article because it so simply supports me in being really honest about the impact of any wandering thoughts I have on my relationships; not just with my partner but also with my children (Why aren’t you more like …) friends (It is not fair that you have ….) colleagues (How come you got that promotion?) etc. I consider all these to be infidelities that have a catastrophic effect on the development and deepening of relationships.
’The tension in me grew to a point where I had to do something about the situation’ – this is such a great point, how often do we ignore the tension and soldier on, just to have to deal with the more severe consequenses further down the road.
The key to be in a true relationship is to understand that we need to honour ourselves first and foremost, to look honestly at how we treat ourselves, how we care for ourselves in our daily life and why it is that we feel emptiness in the first place.
What if when cheating occurs or even as you have shared those thoughts about other people, we stop and as a couple consider what has been wrong and missing in the relationship for that to occur. Of course there is personal responsibility and it is a divesting betrayal of trust, but what if there was a lack of intimacy and openness in the relationship to begin with that was ignored and it lead to the situation of infidelity.
It’s so important what you’ve shared about what infidelity actually is Henrietta, as in it not being just physical intimacy with someone other than your partner but also that thoughts and ‘what if’ moments come under the same umbrella. This brings about a much deeper level of responsibility in relationships, and a responsibility to address the problems, issues or ‘flatness’ (so to speak) in our own relationships FIRST before even thinking about the possibility of being with other people.
It is inspiring to read how you were brave enough to have the conversation with your partner about your thoughts, this in itself is a great foundation for any relationship. How many couples are this transparent these days and would even consider that having thoughts about someone else as cheating. Great topic.
I want to say how much I love this blog and how practical it is for ensuring love is chosen over destruction and distraction.
Too many people give up on relationships, then their eyes may start to wonder causing so much harm. What you have written is a great reminder that we can always choose to go deeper and to take every opportunity to deepen the love that is already there.
This is a deeply healing revealing blog sharing your honesty and commitment to yourself and your relationship that exposes the honesty and deeper level of love we can all go to and crave inside with ourselves first and in our relationships if we choose it. Thank you very inspiring and intimate.
I like how you define infidelity and how infidelity starts within our thoughts. This is very exposing to me and I ask myself how often am I thinking negative of myself and as such loose my fidelity to myself.
A great way to look at this Kerstin. Perhaps if we cared for ourselves in this way we wouldn’t need to treat others with infidelity.
Honesty and communication defines truth and union to yourself and others.
This article has cemented the fact that we cannot discount the choice we make to fantasise about another and claim that there are not outgoing affects – everything is energy and everything is because of energy and the energetic outcome of this choice can be felt. There is much to be pondered here and the call to be truly honest is powerful.
I find the fact that people have different levels of behaviour to be cheating or not – for most people wouldn’t see someone watching porn in a relationship as cheating, and yet are you not getting stimulation from someone or something other than your partner? What if we began to hold more honour of ourselves and see even thinking about another as a indication all is not well in the relationship.
It’s funny how we think something is one thing and then when we truly get a read on what is going on it’s not the same and often it comes back to our choice. Like you are saying Henrietta in this blog you thought it was one thing and it sounds convincing but yet it came down to, “one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.” So the ‘infidelity’ was a choice you made to take a relationship deeper and not keep it on the outer. It just looked like it involved other people.
Lack of intimacy and connection has to be within ourselves first before it becomes apparent and lived on the outside; so the healing really is to connect back to ourselves and to get to know ourselves intimately so that we then can live this way with our partner too.
Without a solid foundation, this might have turned out differently so how beautiful is it that the foundation in your partnership was so solid and strong that it could take this level of honesty and work with it, truly awesome.
Awesome sharing Henrietta and such truth! Quite a journey you embarked upon and it is really great to read that you and your partner made it through, and that your level of honesty furthered the evolution of your partnership.
This is very inspiring to read your story and the fact that you did choose to communicate and stay with the discomfort and the learning that followed – and a blessing that your relationship deepened. The fact is that when something happens that we know is not okay, even if it may rock the boat, and whatever might follow, I see expressing the truth as the most loving and honouring action to both myself and the other person. I may be worried about the outcome of communicating what has happened, but the fact is that the damage is already inflicted by entertaining whatever has happened. Whenever I have held back communication it has always created a widening rift between me and the other person, whilst the example here shows by communicating there is a possibility to work together to resolve the issue. The question becomes no longer should I or should I not communicate, but how can I ensure that I communicate with responsibility, transparency and honouring.
I found myself sharing feelings with my female friends that I wouldn’t share with my husband. I started to question why I was doing this, and could definitely feel that it had an impact on the depth that we could go to on certain topics. I had little convincing sidelines going in my head like there are things only women understand, he is not interested in these topics etc. Taking the time to build our relationship and learn to share parts of our lives that we had closed off from each other has begun to transform our relationship. There were so many things we were trying to put in the way of letting us love each other even more.
Beautifully said Nicole – the moment we think another would not be interested in listening to what we have to say, or that they would not understand because they are a man/woman, then we are setting up barriers. That is not to say that sometimes we feel it is more appropriate to speak to one person rather than another, but to hold back and be exclusive is essentially what causes a rift or a separation in the relationship. This need not be, as it is about being open with one and all to the best of our ability and using common sense too, of course :).
It’s great to acknowledge too that infidelity does not have to be another person, it can happen any time you bring a third party in a relationship, for example food or drinking, anything that you commit to that brings in another energy to the relationship can have equally massive consequences.
It is all about not holding back and deep honesty. I have come to realize that we all have the same issues. If we can open up and share what is going on we will get closer to the truth. This is an ongoing process for me who held everything in, in the past. It has been so healing to talk to another person about what i am feeling. Thank you Serge Benhayon and Bina Patel for supporting me to speak my truth.
It takes courage and deep love to be truly honest……thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience Henrietta.
Henrietta your blog is truly inspiring, and your courage in speaking so openly with your husband illustrates beautifully the growth and deepening that can occur, for you both, from facing difficulties with such honesty.
Infidelity is something that has been broadly “normalized” as part of a relationship, but we only focus on the physical infidelity that follows what you describe as the distraction from our pot of Gold and is only the end result of a lack of connection and intimacy first of all with ourselves and from there with others. Infidelity can only occur if we have left ourselves and live a role or image of what we belief have to be instead of truly living who we are.
Thanks Henrietta, you’ve highlighted the fact that it is not just the physical act of infidelity that is actually a betrayal in relationships, but the entertainment of thoughts, feelings, and the myriad of far subtler actions we would probably choose to keep hidden or secret from a partner. These are just as symptomatic of the need to examine far more deeply the state of a relationship, and inherent in this, the opportunity to take it much deeper, as you have shown.
I love that you did not allow the fear of your relationship ending stop you from bringing forth what was so needed. Your appreciation of your partner and of yourself and the will to work through it is really amazing! There is so much to be inspired by here. Trusting that the truth will also guide whatever happens next is also so refreshing!
Wonderful also to bring back the responsibility to ourselves. Bringing understanding to why we may disconnect in the first place really helps appreciate we are not perfect, and that it’s never too late.
Attraction vs Connection is a great starting point to look at which aspect we are choosing in our relationships. Attraction by comparison to connection feels far more shallow and foundation-less. By the very nature of attraction we look outside of ourselves to pull something in. Where as with connection it starts with self and enables communication from the self out. Connection allows a way of being with another that is deeper and true.
There are many ways we can be unfaithful and honesty between partners can help to bring a closeness, but not always an intimacy. When both partners are having external relationships, even by agreement, then it becomes more obvious that the marriage is dysfunctional as a relationship. There can be an outward image of being together, but internally there is only misery. If we do not truly love and appreciate ourselves, looking outside the marriage for love is purely a distraction and does not constitute a true relationship.
Attraction to anything in our lives, be it a person or an activity, if it is a sudden and all consuming impulse which we find hard to separate ourselves from and becomes addictive, is a sign that we have been avoiding something we do not want to face and go deeper in the present situation. Always, always, a true relationship with anything or anyone is built up from a steady unfolding. Beware those sudden passions! As you knew all the time Henrietta, we do know always, deep inside, but choose to deny it.
Infidelity has been a huge theme in my life which was around me even when I was very young. The experience of this was enough for me to take this behaviour into my adult life and think nothing of it. I believed it was what everyone did. It created a great deal of dramas in my life and a lot of pain. Looking back I simply see a lot of hurt. The people around me when I was young were hurt, I was hurt, and anyone who engaged with me in my dramas was hurt. The behaviour stems from this hurt. Developing this understanding has been eye opening, and I have learned to love myself and others in a new way. These days there is no reason to look anywhere for love other than within myself, and if I am feeling hurt I simply need to give myself extra love. no dramas required.
In some countries multiple infidelities by men is common practice and a symbol of power and wealth. Often culturally accepted and condoned by family especially when vested interests are involved. A code of secrecy can exist where the only person not party to the infidelity is the woman. The practice is endemic, deceitful, abusive and hurtful and a reflection of how women are perceived and treated within these societies. For the men it becomes an addictive behaviour. Yet beneath it shows how lacking they are in self worth: the behaviour masking an emptiness they feel inside.
Go Henrietta! This is a massive sharing, and I love your openness. It’s a real support to me also because I have been there, having indulged in those inappropriate hooks through relationships I have had. I have known but never given much credit to the reality of where those feelings have come from, how they are an expression of loneliness, of separation within a relationship with another and as an exciting hook a reflection of separation within oneself. I remember how I used to use these hooks to also make myself feel bad, that I would use these and the fact that I was in a committed relationship to make myself feel guilty so that then I would have something to beat myself with, not see the beauty in my current relationship and blame myself for how bad the relationship was. Again in this way denying the truth of what was actually going on. As I said it’s amazing to get the support offered through this blog and I will ponder on the depth of what is offered here, infidelity is certainly a crossroads with a big glaring sign and when discussed and expressed as you have shown can invite a massive healing to the past, present and what lies ahead.
Henrietta I’ve never read an article that talks about infidelity in such an honest way. There is no blame, but an approach to the topic that takes full responsibility. If we considered infidelity to be even a single thought how different would the world be today. It would support us to deepen and build the quality of all our relationships starting first and foremost with ourself.
Thank-you Henrietta for your honesty. Not letting the fear of losing your partner hold you back from speaking out about what was going on in your mind trusting yourself to know that you had to despite the possible detrimental repercussions. This was inspiring to read and goes to show that honesty and openness in a relationship is what is always needed for it to keep on deepening.
“I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship” – yes this just confirms just how much depth of sharing in relationships actually is, and can either make a relationship by its presence, or break it by its lack or absence. As humans that depth of connection is so important isn’t it Henrietta, and i’ve found that when I don’t feel or have lost my own connection, loneliness can occupy my thoughts, though as soon as that connection’s back – then I’m back, and loneliness leaves. Connection provides the joy of life, ourselves and of each other.
Spot on Zofia: connection is the antidote to loneliness, and not as we often fall for that we need to be around people in order to not feel lonely. So many of us are surrounded by people in our society, yet we are in an era where people feel more lonely that ever. This says a lot, and we often choose to point the finger at another saying they are not connecting with us…but what if we were first and foremost to look at ourselves and to deepen the connection we have with ourselves and with that incredible strength and beauty that lies within us all.
Amazing post Henrietta, and what a subject too, infidelity – through thoughts and not just through the act of having sexual relations with another as we so often think. You bring great understanding to such a common issue – how is it that we can ‘have eyes’ for another whilst still being in a committed relationship. Your post shares your strength and beauty in being completely open, and what can happen within a relationship when there’s self-honesty shared, and how both partners can deepen, and deepen their relationship and “pot of gold” as a result.
What is confirming about your story Henrietta is that you were able to honestly share with your partner, and even though there was much hurt, you stayed together which was very confirming of the foundation you already had in the relationship.
Any distraction is just an excuse to not go deeper with ourselves, to be more intimate with ourselves – it has nothing to do with anyone else. We can project our dissatisfaction onto our current relationships with others but it is the relationship with ourselves that is being called into question.
This is such a great blog Henrietta, sharing so openly and honestly about your relationship with your partner and giving us real live situations that most of us can relate to in some way, if we are truly honest. Choosing to open up to your partner and share what was going on for you, really highlights the respect you had built up with your partner and yourself that you just could not waver from. Showing us that no matter what happens in a relationship, if there is deep respect, that says so much.
We think it takes a huge amount of trust to be honest, but in reality the trust is only needed when we are attached to the outcome being a certain way – which only succeeds in complicating things. Honesty is simple, and the truth is felt when we honestly express.
How honouring of your relationship to bring such honesty Henrietta. Often we feel when another is distracted, or we can feel that something isn’t quite right with another or within our relationship.
What this exposes is how important it is to express how we are feeling at the time – the simplicity of being honest can be so powerful.
Amazing Henrietta. Thank you so much for sharing so openly and honestly about your experience. It is so common amongst us to go through something like this, and often it feels impossible to know what to do and how to handle it. You’re story is inspiring.
What an amazing blog, to feel the depth of what a relationship can go to through this situation you describe is deeply beautiful. This is what it all is about, to not get fooled by the attraction but take that what is given, an opportunity to deepen the relationship, it is incredible to feel how life gets constellated for us to learn and deepen what we already have.
It occurs to me just how much infidelity can be a reflection and expression of our relationships with ourselves when we choose to live as something other than our true self.
So true Michael, as it all starts with ourselves first before it is lived on the outside.
Thank you Henrietta for sharing this story on infidelity for the reasons you did: “but simply because I now realise how much these situations (like being attracted to another whilst in a relationship) can act as distractions from an already potentially amazing relationship”. In most similar situations I know often is suggested that then the current partner is not ‘the one’ when you can fall in love so desperately like you described but what you share feels closer to the truth. It is a very welcome alternative option to the forever searching for the one. Plus that is indicating that there is a deeper level to go to in the current relationship and the infidelity is just a distraction from this.
This kind of obsession with someone other than our partner is like creating a little fantasy life ‘on the side’. It may never be physically realised, but there is a preoccupation and we are not fully present with the person who may be completely unaware of the fact that we are only half there in our minds, and spending the other half in a fantasy. This is very damaging to a relationship in ways that we often do not even consider. Everything matters, and our choice of thoughts affect all that we express.
I have noticed often in life when we are about to embark on something that is profound in the level of responsibility, love, understanding and truth it can provide in our own life and those around us, lots of attractive hooks come out of the woodwork to steer us away. The example you have provided through your story is a brilliant way of steering through this: appreciation of our pot of gold (ourself and what we are building), reading what we feel deep down about the situation and what is going on, and staying transparent whilst inviting support so that we remain true.
Infidelity shows that something is lacking in the relationship. But actually it is not the relationship, it is our own emptiness that gets exposed. We think the grass is greener at the neighbors but it is not. Our own grass is beautiful, we just have to open our eyes and see it, then there is no need to shop around for other grass.
The messy learning about the difference between connection and affection, growing up the two were intertwined for me, where I began to appreciate the absolute strength of connection and the momentary ‘hook’ of affection
What a depth of honesty you bought to your partner in sharing this Henrietta.
The title of this blog gives us a lot to consider. It has similarities to the ‘grass is greener’ attitude to life, where we don’t really appreciate what we have and are constantly looking for the next buzz, the next answer. In every relationship there is a pot of gold waiting to be found, which we can’t see if we take people or relationships forgranted or fail to look beyond the face value that is offered.
Infidelity surely has one true meaning despite the convenient meanings we create to suit ourselves. I loved the way you didn’t ‘do anything’ but were still honest enough to call it infidelity. This honesty and not trying to make excuses may have been what restored and strengthened your relationship.
The obsessive thoughts you described were different in nature but very similar to other obsessive thoughts we can be hooked into. Sometimes it is drama that we get hooked by, or obsessing about something we desire that we think will make all the difference to our lives. It makes us a bit crazy when we let these thoughts run us and leaves us feeling that we can’t survive without whatever it is we desire. However having experienced stillness, these tantalizing thoughts are quite excruciating, leaving you empty and needy.
I really appreciate you sharing this very personal and yet common experience for many of us. It is really important to expose the hook and the obsessiveness that comes in with attraction and how easily it can be put to a stop.
There was a time before I was married that I had begun to fantasise about another man, this man had nothing on my husband and I never entered into any “unfaithfulness” but just toying with the idea in my mind didn’t feel right and felt as if I had cheated. I like you Henrietta, told my now husband and he explained that he felt as if I had cheated on him. Once I had told him everything it cured my obsession with this other man completely. I think I was more interested in the secret crush then the person, I was feeling unhappy in my relationship and so it felt easier to let myself be distracted by this other man than deal with what was coming up. When I read your story I felt as if you were telling mine, I really related, thank you for your generosity.
I love your deeper insight Henrietta. Distraction can so easily lead us away from deepening what we have right in front of us.
Infidelity is a wandering thought about any exit route from a relationship. It is an excuse not to commit and develop the full potential, connection and surrender in all of our interactions. I am loving deepening my understanding of words and this is a corker!
We can create a myriad of ways to distract ourselves from looking at what is going on right in front of our eyes, to go deeper with ourselves and in our relationships. Infidelity (to whichever extent we go there with it) is one of those distractions.
Infidelity could be simply a lack of commitment to true love and true intimacy in spite of the fact that that was what was committed to in the partnership. This alone can hurt far more than any physical act can.
Your honesty with your partner is really inspiring – to be able to sit down and talk to them about something that many would not want to admit, or might see as normal – sometimes our affection wanders. But whenever my friends would check out guys when in a relationship I always felt uncomfortable on their partners behalf – there is nothing wrong in seeing a beautiful person and appreciating that, but there is a way that it is done where you are not having your head turned so to speak. The ability to communicate this back to your partner openly and honestly and work on actually deepening the relationship and using it as a marker that the intimacy could be greater, is amazing.
So many thoughts we have, we tell ourselves are just ours and no one else needs to know, or does know. The thoughts we allow in that are not loving and supportive pollute us. I know from experience when I let stuff in constantly that clouded how I see life, I feel degraded, yucky, not worthy. Being more aware and more careful about the thoughts I choose to play with has felt awesome. I am more responsible, I have more clarity and I feel less bogged down.
Knowing that thoughts themselves do not belong to us is massive. They come from an energy outside of ourselves that we have allowed in. Knowing this the relationship we have with our bodies becomes more and more important because then we can call out the thoughts from the truth.
My husband and I have been trying out reporting back to each other, how the last 24 hours went for us, how honest, open, present etc we are. It has felt great, it doesn’t have to be heavy or emotional, just open and honest. After 12 years together we are finding new ways communicating with each other. This technique has supported how we identify when we are not feeling great or have got caught up on stories or thoughts, what ever it involves. If we haven’t talked about it already we can reflect on what has passed and be honest about how we feel about it. It has brought in a new level of responsibility into our relationship. (with his permission)
When I have found myself in the past thinking/daydreaming about someone else it was always because I was missing something in my current relationship I did not take responsibility for. I was the one who let the relationship fall down so to speak, I did abandoned our evolvement/deepening and so we ended up with ‘missing something’…off course! We are made to develop, made to expand – if we go for comfort and try to hold what we have, try to stand still while the Universe is moving, we are missing our ‘where we could be’. But also by realizing this we have the tendency to look at our partners’ liability, instead of our own…. oops & ouch.
I have had my head turned in relationships and it has felt like a big dramatic distraction from what I am here to learn, like watching a film or reading a magazine. When I have been honest about the distraction I have healed and the relationship has moved on, when I have concealed and harboured the thoughts or acted upon them the relationship has no where to go and I have not been willing to go deeper. I have felt the freedom in saying how I feel and so being freed of the drama of the attraction, being honest pops the bubble and we can look at it with more clarity. Being honest about what comes up is an issue for us is a huge way of letting go of ‘obsessive thoughts’ that occupy us. It is an illusion that we think that the things we think can not be felt. They can.
I Love the honesty in this blog, the subject is something that most of us will be familiar with. And most of us would have had times or have times when we can think our thoughts are or own and we can think what we want about other people wth no consequence. Infidelity begins in a choice to look outside for intimacy and the thoughts we host, play with where lust, desire, fantasy etc for another are indulged in is infidelity.
Relating this to my own experiences, I can see how we start looking outside of relationships when something comes up that we feel will be difficult, so rather than going there, we choose to jump ship.
Honesty. It can bring up so much and we hold back expressing it for fear of hurting another. Your blog is very inspiring Henrietta. I admire your braveness to share with your partner, because despite the pain and upset it caused at the time you both now have a deeper understanding of each other and more intimacy.
Henrietta, I really appreciate you sharing your experience of infidelity, I find the level of openness and honesty that you shared with your partner deeply inspiring, I can feel how it is easy for us to not share how we are feeling through fear of rocking the boat in a relationship and that this holding back does not allow the relationship to go deepen.
Henriette what you have shared so honestly about your experience with infidelity was uncovering what infidelity really is a distraction. This addictive flavor you describe was for me palpable and I got a feel how destructive this can be. It is really good to feel that it was your honesty what save your relationship and it was also a good marker for your partner and yourself how deep your relationship already was as otherwise your partner has had chose differently.
Thanks Henrietta, This is a great to share, I particulary feel a resonance with “I felt the hook and allowed myself to be pulled by it, only for a fraction, but enough to feel how much it took me away from myself….” The fact that we can feel the hook is stellar. I appreciate the deepening that can occur but the distraction that is held up as an ‘appealing opportunity’ can keep us in the shallow end. Being honest with ourselves and what we feel broadens to be honest with others. It could not be more simple.
Thanks Henrietta, it always come back to feeling empty in ourselves and rather than honestly exploring what that emptiness is, we seek a fix outside ourselves. The amazing thing is that every time I do choose to explore what I am trying to avoid within myself, it gives way to a feeling of fullness and completeness that feels very confirming.
Indeed, on first look it seems only something outside will fill the gap, but truly it is only ourselves that can do that.
It takes courage to do what you did but this openness is really the only way to go, no matter the consequences. Everything else is a compromise and dishonest as well.
These ‘hooks’ and desires that you speak of Henrietta come in many shapes and sizes. Every choice that avoids our Soul, has some form of desire in it. When we connect with our Soul, we know nothing feels better as this is home.
Henrietta your understanding and sharing of the ‘hook’ is invaluable – true gold in it’s self. What you share is worth everybody in relationship reading. Understanding that the hook you describe is a brilliant sign that we are afraid to connect deeper with our partner. Infidelity is a symptom of what’s going on not the cause.
Such a beautifully honest sharing, Henrietta, it has triggered memories for me from years ago. I can admit to not knowing how to be what I now know is truly intimate in my marriage relationship of many years. It was beautiful to read how you felt you had to share with your partner about how you were so attracted to this other man, and although this hurt your partner at the time, it lay the foundation for far more intimacy in your relationship. How important it is to be able to be truly intimate, to share just how we are each feeling about things, in a gentle, loving way, to be able to ‘go there’ and discuss deeply about all issues that concern each of us. We can ‘grow’ our relationship so much through being willing to be intimate with each other, we can build our relationship and ourselves so much, and build enormous trust in each other’s honesty. This is the way for us all to go from here on.
That blog is very relatable Henrietta. Awesomely expressed, and I loved it when you said that you expressed it in full to your partner about how you were feeling, which is definitely something that I can learn from. True intimacy is worth every expression of it, and we must be open about how we are feeling in full.
You say it all with your title: “Infidelity – a Distraction from our Pot of Gold?” Actually that is all infidelity is, a distraction, a vice to fill up an emptiness or a need or to stop us from feeling what is there to feel and deepen the connection with ourselves and the other.
I heard a mother say recently that she wished her daughter wouldn’t settle already for this boyfriend otherwise she would get bored with him later on or she didn’t get to experiment with different partners. There is a beauty in committing to one partner and keep deepening that relationship. When the 2 of you settle for a comfortable way of living where you don’t rock each other’s boat then it can get boring, feel stuck because the love wants to grow, deepen and become more and more.
Sharing in honesty about what is really going on is like letting the light shine on it and by doing this we give ourselves the opportunity to come to truth and let go of that what was ‘holding’ us.
“I also felt the hook being released the moment I expressed with that level of honesty. It was like I was free – free of the obsessive thoughts and free of the pull and the addictive attraction, free to make a choice”
“I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.” I know this one, Henrietta, feeling lonely and not being able to come closer together to my partner. Another man seemed a great solution then to not feel this initial feeling, but to overwrite it with excitement, combined with attention and recognition. There was not only an invitation to go deeper with my partner, also to go with myself and listen to what I felt inside. Learning to communicate about our feelings is essential and should be taught at school for boys and girls.
Yes it would be incredible to establish this understanding of relationships and the ever-deepening potential they have if we are willing to keep ‘going there’.
I love the level of care, truth and responsibility you live with evidenced by the fact that you did not consider it an act of infidelity to actually take an action, but recognised that it was not okay to be even entertaining the thought of an attraction to another person. The fact is we live in a world of energy and everything even our thoughts have a very clear impact whether we choose to admit it or not. And deep down we know it, otherwise we would not go to such great lengths to conceal them, knowing being truthful about them may rock our boat.
It is quite shocking to realize how much impact our behaviours – thoughts even – have on the people around us. The awareness rises only together with the transparency I choose to offer, hence the deepening connection and love.
“I now realise how much these situations (like being attracted to another whilst in a relationship) can act as distractions from an already potentially amazing relationship.” It is a perfect sabotage of something that you have built together and which could be just thrown away if either of you were not up to facing the facts and letting go of it. You have a remarkable man there, Henrietta to be so understanding and not take it personally. It feels like you are both very committed to putting love first.
Henrietta, it’s great that you share this with the world as I know there will be many harbouring such ‘secrets’. Such thoughts can fester away in the dark and multiply like spores on a fungi, but by nominating what is going on you shine the light on them and are more aware of what you are doing. As you say, having the honesty and the courage to share it with one’s partner ‘releases the spell’ so that it can no longer be so addictive.
When I reflect on past relationships I see how I held back on honesty and then wondered why the relationship lacked intimacy. I now see the courage that honesty requires.
Thank you Henrietta for such an honest and open sharing about such a sensitive and personal experience
Secrets are designed to keep us in separation.
How common is it to assume that as long as we only think things and don’t act on them, we do not harm another. We could not be further from truth. If we start to apply the understanding that everything is energy and affects us all the time, the dynamics in our relationships will change.
A very needed sharing Henrietta, on a deeply personal level you have offered to us all much to relate to. Many will gain from this sharing and make sense of what is missing in their (our) lives.
There is certainly a big difference between Attraction and Connection. In my experience something can be ‘attractive’ and hooking – as if whatever it is is pulling you towards it and making you desire it (this was the kind of relationship I used to have with food!), but when you feel a connection with someone there is a much deeper mutual feeling of love, connection and respect… There is nothing hooking about it.
Wow, this is a deeply personal and powerful sharing that I can imagine will support many who have fallen for a distraction they have fooled themselves into believing they actually want when in fact, they are just avoiding the next level of intimacy that is available to them should they wish to go there. I love that the moment you opened your self to your partner with honesty, the truth was revealed.
How often in life do we get distracted by something only to realise we have the very thing we needed already. Your willingness to actually sit down and discuss with your partner – to make the choice to be open and honest rather than go where the thoughts were taking you. And also how you had enough respect of the relationship to see even just the thoughts as unfaithful, rather than waiting for it to escalate
Thank you, Henrietta, for bringing our obsessive and addictive behaviours out onto the table. It is incredible to feel the lengths we will go to in order to avoid going deeper in relationship with ourselves or another. This is a great reference point to come back to again and again, when we are engaged in something new – is it true for us to pursue this or is it a distraction away from the appreciation and connection to what we already have?
Reading this blog has reminded me of the the horrible feelings experienced years ago, that were generated when the hook of attraction became a ferocious and all-consuming behaviour momentum. It disturbed sleep and every waking moment, leaving one feeling on a gigantic roller coster of emotion and nothing seemed to be able to satisfy it. This led to deepening the lack of self worth and super self-criticism.
Over the past 8 years I have been re-building solid and strong inner foundations (thanks to the inspiring presentations by Serge Benhayon, Universal Medicine) and these old emotional hooks are far less than ever before – even the huge food hook is losing its stranglehold for the majority of the time.
This is what is interesting- because when we look back we can see that it wasn’t actually us behaving like this – it was actually an energy that we allowed. If only we were taught this in mainstream life understanding our behaviours and those of another would be a lot more simple.
Honesty in relationships is so important to develop an openness and a connection and true intimacy.
We all crave intimacy and yet we hold ourselves in protection to avoid the very thing we want most. When we can feel it is not there in a relationship the easy option is to ‘jump ship’ believing that we will find it somewhere else with someone else (and this may be the case) but as Henrietta has shown in her blog it is always wise to firstly look at ourselves and our own layers of protection first to see if we are holding back the intimacy in our own relationships.
Reading this I feel that trust is based on a willingness to be open and express the truth in any given situation and not actually dependant on someone behaving in a certain way.
This blog is a pot of gold in itself! To see those moments in our lives where we are tempted with an easy ‘out’ option that seems very comfortable as a clue that actually we are being asked to go deeper or commit even more to another aspect of our lives is very liberating.
What is developing in me is the understanding that the honesty and openness that brings intimacy to a relationship, is the honesty and openness that allows more of the truth of who I am out. And so with an equal and opposite flow, so too must I allow more love in from that honesty and openness. It brings an expansion in both (all) directions.
Henrietta you have uncovered something here – is there any difference between thoughts and actions energetically? Sure there is an obvious difference but we tend to see our thoughts as being harmless and that we can have our own private idaho in our minds and that is ok as long as we don’t act on it but as your story illustrates our thoughts can be just as harmful as our actions because they can create an energy that has the same effect as if we carried out the action.
I’ve found that to be able to share with my husband in honesty and detail what I’m feeling, deepens the quality between us and how we are able to be together from that new understanding.
We think just because they are thoughts that they will not affect anyone. Your blog Henrietta exposes the myth that we think we are getting away with it, and not harming anyone, when in reality our thoughts affect and govern how we will be with another. As soon as you were able to express what you were feeling you were able to break the spell that was holding you in a certain way and feel the impact of not opening up and being honest in your relationship This is gold Henrietta, thank you for sharing, it exposes how easily we can choose a distraction rather than go deeper in a relationship
Henrietta your sharing about “Attraction vs Connection” and your experience of this is something for us all to take note of, I know I’ve got caught up in the past when I’ve been in “relationships” with no connection then all that is left is “attraction” and that is something that is hard to sustain, and hence infidelity in all aspects comes in. Perhaps the message here is that it is our choice to build connection with ourselves and others, our choice to bring purpose to all our relationships both at home and work and with that purpose infidelity is not even a consideration.
When we keep something hidden in a relationship over time we can be lost in the same darkness where we have hidden that which we have kept secret.
True, it can suck you into the darkness, this is where the light of honesty can come in and open up the windows. It takes away the control the thoughts, behaviours and secrets have over you and allows for true healing to take place.
Henrietta, this is such an honest sharing bringing up everything what we hold as normal, but in truth dishonesty in our lifes and bodies. Thank you very much.
Going to a depth of honesty I have glossed over thus far, this article casts so much understanding onto the patterns in my relationships throughout my life and offers such rich teachings for my choices from here on in. Thank you, Henrietta, for sharing so openly and honestly.
The fact that your husband supports you to be able to write an article with this depth of honesty shows that you made the right choice and definitely struck gold!! I really enjoyed and related to every word you shared, to me being unfaithful is something that can take place without any physical exchange. I think the way you handled the situation was graceful and brave, thank you for sharing your story with us.
Your blog breaks up the ‘cone of silence’ of this topic that certainly both men and women may have experienced. To recognise it is a cross road asking, either to go deeper with love, with intimacy in the current relationship with a partner, or to follow the emotions stirred up by another, is one of those stop moments to examine our choices and where we are at in life.
Henrietta I love how you have clearly shown that infidelity can be a distraction from a potential pot of gold. We turn our backs so readily on relationships that appear to have dried up, often putting all of the blame on the other person. We readily justify our infidelity by saying that our partner ‘doesn’t…………….’ and therefore it is no wonder that we have looked for that something elsewhere. But by not addressing the things that are there to be addressed within our relationships we are ensuring that the illusive pot of Gold stays at the end of the eternal rainbow.
Part of the pull to infidelity and dissatisfaction is I feel that we have this image of a perfect partner, “The One”, and if they don’t meet that image then the idea is to move onto the next one. Maybe it’s a case of believing “it’s not working out”, instead of “there is something to work on.”
Thank You Henrietta and to your partner for sharing this experience so openly. Its very clear and makes perfect sense that loneliness and a lack of intimacy can lead to this kind of distraction, but speaking up and expressing how we feel can actually support the relationship to deepen. It can definitely go two ways – further separation and dissatisfaction, or clearer communication and coming back together.
Brilliant, brilliant blog Henrietta. Your willingness to be honest and open in your relationship presented the opportunity to learn, expand and evolve. What you’ve highlighted here is how distracting the pulling and obsessive thoughts can be when we are attracted to someone. It is deeply inspiring what you’ve shared, it is by simply sharing and expressing honestly, we are then set free of these pulling thoughts that distract us from evolving.
This blog has really prompted me to really look at what things I have/do pull in within my relationships with others and with myself, that totally lessen and disrespect what is naturally there to be lived and shared with myself and others, when I just choose to bring me and only me to a situation.
Thank you Henrietta, what you share about infidelity is so needed as it is never really spoken about, your honesty and openness on this subject is deeply healing to read.
“yet I could not get this other man ‘out of my head’.” That phrase suddenly caught my eye as I re-read this beautiful sharing, Henrietta. I feel that is a very important difference in the times when we are ‘attracted’ to someone other than our present partner. It is the thinking mind that is so attracted, being in our head, rather than coming from our heart. In your case, your heart told you to share how you had been feeling attracted to this other man, with your partner even though it hurt him at the time. But your deepening yourself into a true intimacy with your partner was what was needed at the time. How much better it is for us to be guided by our heart, rather than our head.
What an awesome sharing, Henrietta, it is such an exposing of how we can be pulled into this attraction for someone other than our partner. I love how you discovered that this was actually a distraction from your primary need to develop a more intimate relationship with your partner. I would feel that this is behind so many of the incidents of infidelity in partnerships. It is so great that you recognised this was what was required, therefore deepening and enriching the partnership that you already had, rather than constantly hankering for someone different. By baring your soul with you partner, even though it hurt him at the time, was you being truly intimate with him in your sharing. True intimacy at times would mean that another can feel hurt, but when we develop that in our relationship, then we are building a far more stable foundation for real trust in the partnership.
What you’ve very clearly spelled out for me here Henrietta is the choice between either distraction or a call to go deeper. To me this feels as choosing commitment to evolve as a foundation or a ‘shallow’ foundation which is based on function and a lot of emptiness.
Thank you Henrietta for a deeply honest sharing, showing the different levels of dishonesty, ones that I would never have though so at one time. Beautiful to have deepened you intimacy by becoming honest at the risk of loosing the relationship.
In any relationship, when each party is able to express everything, not feel ashamed or guilty and bring everything to the table, there is so much room for understanding and growth together and without it, it would only be an arrangement or a silent agreement, that if you don’t do this or that, then I won’t do this or that and we both know it, don’t like it but accept it as we don’t want to go there and feel any of it.
By you being so open and honest with your partner, yes it may have hurt at the time, but his level of trust with you must have deepened so much from this experience as he now knows that no matter what, you will be open and honest and that even if you did get distracted, it is him that you want and choose to be with. Lucky man.
I love what you share here Henrietta and so appreciate your honesty. I am sure many can relate to the feeling of being obsessed by thoughts of another and feeling guilty of it. As I was reading your blog, I was thinking, oh I hope she was just honest as that would cut that hooking feeling for sure. Sometimes it is just while things are in your head that they seem to have so much power and effect over you but once you bring them out into the open they are not so powerful anymore.
This is a great reflection of how we avoid going deeper in any relationship we have, specifically with ourselves and how we are looking for constant distraction to not go deeper.
Great blog Henrietta, I had a very similar experience and it was very healing to break the spell by being open about what was going on. I was confronted with a very old pattern and had the chance to look at it and make a different choice than done all the times before.
Our pot of gold is often sitting right in front of our very eyes. We use all sorts of excuses to not go there opening up to true love. Getting distracted by the attraction of another is a classic example that is seen time and time again in relationships.
Early on in my relationship with my husband we discussed how when things were challenging at home one of us or both of us would be noticing ourselves looking at ‘good looking’ men or women in the street. The main thing I got from this was that I was looking outside of myself for intimacy because I wasn’t bringing it firstly to myself and then expressing it in my relationship. It was never about my partner. On further pondering I realised I had spent much of my life ‘checking men out’ when ever I was out and about because I was separated from myself and not enjoying my own intimacy, such as feeling the silkiness of my walk, the grace in my movements and the depth in my touch and expression. The more I embrace this for myself the more I need nothing from my partner and instead have so much to offer him through what I’m claiming for me.
That hooking energy of another man or woman has often been called in as a way out of the relationship. Not discounting though the times when it is a true impulse. When the time has come to deepen communication, honesty and openness the alure of another seems like an easier option… But as we know that we are the ones that go into each relationship so if we are holding back then we bring that to every relationship.
Henrietta, this is a great topic and I agree with you that we fool ourselves if we think only when we become physically intimate with somebody are we cheating on our partner. And thank you for going deeper with this, realising that in the end any attraction, any tantalising thought during the day is simply a way to distract from what else there is to discover and uncover within oneself and with each other.
I love this article and how it’s showing that we can deeply love our partner and yet still be attracted to another. I also feel that just fantasising about another is being unfaithful and it’s complete rubbish to say I didn’t go all the way with someone, so I wasn’t unfaithful. I also like the part of the article that explains that this offered an opportunity for you to deepen your relationship and commitment with your partner. I also feel that because everything is energy, that the moment you voiced your thoughts with your partner, the energy changed and that’s why you felt released from the hook. Fantastic!
Henrietta I feel deeply touched by your sharing. I was crying while reading it, as I recognised and felt the beauty of that deep knowing within us when we know absolutely what the truth is and have the opportunity to call out and dispel that which is pretending to be an oasis but is in fact a trickster sent to attract us away from true connection and expressing the power of our essence.
As a single woman, I recently experienced an imagined fantasy with another. It was such a huge distraction away from me connecting with me at the very point I was being asked to deepen my own relationship and intimacy with myself. Having outed it and understood it, realising it was not for real, helped to cut it but the distracting thoughts still came. Looking back it was amazing, although not so easy at the time to go through, but I had to learn to get really disciplined when I noticed the thoughts appear and stop to feel why I’d let them in, what was I not wanting to feel from my body. What surprised me was I wasn’t wanting to feel how precious and gorgeous I really am and make that my focus first.
Awesome read Henrietta. It’s great to read that bringing everything to the table within a relationship in absolute honesty, whatever that is and looking at it together can create intimacy.
Henrietta your pure and and naked honesty is so so exquisitely beautiful and will touch many hearts deeply.
I love what you have shared Henrietta. The addictive attraction you describe is well known to me. I am a single woman, however, when I feel addictive attraction I know that I am actually cheating on myself due to a lack of intimacy in my relationship with me.
“when I feel addictive attraction I know that I am actually cheating on myself due to a lack of intimacy in my relationship with me.” So true Leonne the cheating, the dishonesty, the infidelity begins with ourselves, if we choose to abandoned the purest direct line we have with ourselves, we are going to pull in all sorts of stories & distractions to counter this.
Spot on Marika, we do end up going around and around till the day or the moment arrives yet again for us to choose differently. And so this cycle is the blessing, it is the gift – it is ground hog day offered to us, not so that we get it ‘perfect’ but so that we can learn to love more, more of ourselves and more of another.
Henrietta thank for sharing so intimately the distraction an attraction can be. It was courageous to share this infatuation with your partner too, and bare your soul so that intimacy could be reclaimed. I learned about the power of honesty from your experience.
This blog highlights for me a pattern I have had most of my life and that is when my relationships come to the cross road I turn away from an opportunity to been seen in full and deepening the intimacy in my relationships. This is something I am currently working on by deepening my love for myself and learning to express from my essence and letting my love out and allowing love into my life. Thankyou for sharing your story Henrietta.
Reading your blog Henrietta I got a much clearer insight into what infidelity is so thank you for that. I realize that in many ways we are practicing infidelity all the time, for example, we might be with a friend having a cup of tea but be thinking about something else. In that moment we leave the person we are with to “go to greener pastures”, ever if the greener pastor is our shopping list!
What an amazing sharing. Thank you, Henrietta. “I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further” – what is so beautiful about this is that you were offered an opportunity to become very honest and go deeper in intimacy, and then so was your partner, and he too was at a crossroad – and it is both of you that have chosen not to give up on the potentials.
A beautiful and honest sharing from an amazing woman. I loved your honesty in sharing with your partner as really there was no choice if you wanted to deepen what you already had. Thank you, Henrietta.
Henrietta, you may have set a new benchmark as to how a relationship can evolve, and deepen through honesty, openness and a willingness to speak the truth whatever the outcome may be. And by speaking the truth, we may not necessarily like the outcome, but truth is truth and for the benefit of all.
I love how you described “bearing your Soul to your partner” it is often that when we bear our Soul and let go of all complexities and expected outcomes that we speak the truth, and realise that nothing can replace the truth in the first place.
A great sharing thank you Henrietta! Attraction often has a ‘hooking’ feeling as you have described and takes us away from ourselves, often from seeing what we truly have in front of us or what we may be avoiding.
It’s a great point you make that infidelity is not just about being physically intimate with someone other than your partner – it is the thoughts, fantasies, pictures, ideals, obsessions we might have about another that are equally if not more damaging to our relationship. I say more damaging because they are hidden, dishonest, can be ignored and we can tell ourselves they don’t matter because we haven’t DONE anything. It’s inspiring to read how you knew you had to expose it and talk to your partner – thereby instantly clearing it of any power whatsoever.
Thank you, Henrietta. Growing up, infidelity was such a taboo subject, and the worst kind of behaviour. What you are sharing here has provided me with the opportunity to reflect more, and it highlights for me the enormous irresponsibility of not dealing with one’s relationship with self and partner by jumping into distraction and drama with another, even in our thoughts. And it is very short sighted because the unresolved relationship issues are not going anywhere until they are truly addressed and healed.
This blog stayed with me all day yesterday, and made me question how many times in a day do I pull in something, anything, to distract me from going deeper within myself? Thank you.
Your sharing Henrietta is one that many can relate to. The dissatisfaction with ourselves leads to much looking outwards and malcontent. The fact that you could feel yourself traveling in this direction and made the brave and difficult decision to reveal what was happening for you, to your partner, was amazing despite not knowing if your relationship would end as a result.
How different a relationship can be when both parts take full responsibility for what they bring in – an opportunity for true growth and evolution.
The bottom line is through honesty and truth in a relationship, it will only deepen, if it doesn’t it wasn’t strong enough in the first place.
Whenever I felt those hooks of attraction to someone else, there was always an emptiness inside, an unsatisfied feeling. Now I know it was the lack of intimacy first and foremost with myself, trying to fill it up with ‘content’ from the outside.
Henrietta what you have shared has helped me to identify that fancying someone else has a very all consuming, almost obsessional energy about it. It seems to have a life of its own that can be incredibly persuasive and leads many, many people into extremely irrational and sabotaging behaviour.
Infidelity is one expression we can do when we don’t feel met. Porn is another. The key is to meet ourselves.
The antidote is certainly the meet ourselves.
It is often a lack of appreciation on a daily basis of what we truly have that makes our eyes wander and our hearts not open wide.
Henrietta, thank you so much for sharing this, ‘I allowed the intimacy to begin to unfold the moment I bared my soul to my partner at the risk of losing him. In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.’ Wow, I can feel how it is common for us to not ‘bare our soul’ to hold others at a distance and to not have this intimacy, it is very beautiful and very inspiring to read this and makes me aware that I do not always express what I am feeling and how this keeps people at a distance.
What you’re highlighting in your blog is that there is far more to infidelity and cheating than just the physical act of having sex with another – what is this, is it just a later step after having made several steps away from the relationship before that point? What is there is already a distance, or a lack of intimacy and honesty, maybe the fantasies about others. What if we look at these behaviours and see them as equally unfaithful to the love in your relationship ?
Henrietta I deeply appreciate your post as it explains so much, so many things I had not really spent time considering before. As I grew up I was certainly a person that got “distracted” an so did the people I was with. infidelity was the normal, the thing that happened – however at the time I didn’t ask why – not in the true sense. What is clear for me is that there was no intimacy and there was always the lonely feeling. It is somewhat surprising to reflect on this as how can you be lonely especially when you are with someone? It shows first I had abandoned me and then connection with others, your choice to sit down with your partner and share everything to me is something that was missing as I grew up and a contributing factor to why infidelity was part of the day – to – day arrangements I had. Part of as I also know I set them up perfectly to be that way.
This is a beautiful blog Henrietta, a commitment to love not only for yourself but for your relationship and now for all of us who read your words and now have a much deeper understanding.
The thoughts of infidelity should be the first flashing red light telling you that there are things you’re not looking at and something you are not speaking about and holding back. The longer this issue is not dealt with, the greater the possibility that the thoughts can manifest themselves into choices that are non-returnable from in a relationship.
In the protection of our hurts we do not let others in truly, not even our partners and when the relationship then comes to a point where this is needed to keep growing together we often think it is our partner or the relationship that is at fault. I have experienced this myself in my own relationships. Not only would I find fault with my partner I would so to speak ‘keep the back door open’ just in case the absolute mister right would come along. There was a lack of true commitment and a lack of understanding of my level of protection. In recent years I have deepened my relationship with myself and my protection has gradually become less and less and my ability to commit and let the other in has exponentially grown.
Thank you Henrietta for your open sharing. This is such an important subject as with 2 out of 3 relationships not lasting it is important to get an insight into what it is we do. I feel that for many the call to deepen intimacy and let the other in more as the relationship develops is a big part of this statistic.
Thank you for this open and hones sharing Henrietta as we all can learn much from it. It feels to me that it is all about appreciation and on moving on in your relationship. To me relationships and intimate relationships in special do ask to evolve, to deepen the connection and to become truly intimate with one another, letting go of any any hidden pocket we hold for ourselves, as when we do hold on to these we do not commit in full to the relationship and the evolution that it can bring.
Awesome blog Henrietta, deeply inspiring and honest. To build a strong foundation of love in any relationship requires honesty, trust and a willingness to express truth. I can totally relate to what you’ve shared and I too have found by expressing what plays around and around in my head distracting me gets released and its hold is no longer present when I choose to express honestly and openly. At times the other person may feel really hurt and at times they can appreciate my honesty and in turn are able to be honest with me too. The common scenario is that we tend to avoid expressing what is going on in fear of hurting our love ones, but this keeps our relationships stunted, stagnant and superficial. I would much prefer honesty and truth any day as it allows us to learn and grow. Thank you for sharing so openly and lovingly for us all to learn and appreciate the power of expressing ourselves.
Our most intimate relationship is the one we have with ourselves and when that is honoured we are naturally honouring the other. That may mean the most honouring thing to do is to leave a relationship that is not truly supportive. The level of honesty we have with ourselves allows us to feel the truth in a situation.
Thank you for sharing what can be common in relationships and revealing the root cause of why people look elsewhere in relationships. Honesty builds trust and intimacy, keys ingredients for a true relationship built on love.
Honesty so beautifully opens up the space to connect to the truth. It can be easy to be pulled by distractions when we don’t want to go there. Thank you for being willing to share so honestly Henrietta.
Infidelity; far more than the physical act.
Absolutely Luke. When I read this blog I am reminded that distraction is a form of infidelity with ourselves and this affects all of our relationships whether we have a partner or not.
Relationships I have found often reach that point where we are called to go deeper and if that isn’t the choice made by both parties they seem to lose the spark and a distance is created.
When we move and live with honesty we move and live in a way that deeply respects and honors the Love and truth we are and that we hold for each other through which we can only learn, grow and deepen our connection to the Love we are all here to live.
I think it’s important that we start to look at infidelity in this way as it occurs long before any physical act is carried out. It is the separation that exists in relationships that leads to this, which is felt, and is there long before even the glances at another come in.
This is so true MW. When there is a true loving bond between people, there is no will or want to look outside of the relationship, there is the will to go deeper. Often we stop going deeper when we are faced with our unresolved hurts and are not willing to heal them.
Reading your article I am reminded of a relationship I had with someone where I had this attraction addiction with that person – sounds a little crazy. I was never honest with him about how I loved him but that I wasn’t ok about his lack of honesty or commitment. I could feel he wasn’t wanting an intimate relationship so I went along being attracted to him whilst lying to myself that it was ok to not honour myself or commit to true love myself. Relationships like these were a distraction from the intimate relationship I can have with myself.
The wisdom you have presented here is profound, inviting us to deeply consider the honesty we are living with. It is with this honesty that we can then move to deepen our relationship with truth and Love, with ourselves and whoever we have chosen to be in a relationship with. This is a beautifully honoring foundation to develop through which we are then free to explore and cherish that pot of gold without distraction.
This is a true testament to living the love you are and what being true is all about. Being honest with ourselves first and feeling the truth lovingly is what every person seeks in their relationships.
In society we are taught ‘white lies don’t matter’ – i.e. not being honest is the way to keep relationships going. But you’ve shown this is so far from the truth that had you not been honest the barrier between you and your partner being intimate would have remained. What’s so beautiful is that you didn’t know how it would have turned out once you had been honest but what is true is you gave you and your partner the opportunity to be intimate rather than continue with the status quo or even separated because of the distraction becoming so strong and the barrier between you both growing.
What I’m allowing myself to do is be honest and not have it all sown up but just to express and it may get imperfect and messy but that’s openness, that’s where intimacy grows.
This is such a powerful sharing Henrietta of how our relationships are always offering us an opportunity to grow and deepen our connection to Love with ourselves and each other. It is quite revealing what you have exposed here, that it seems that we seek distractions to avoid deepening our relationship with evolution. Have felt this hook in the past in the relationships I was in and can see how it was exactly that, a false sense of excitement enticing me away from the truth that needed to be explored, connected to and shared. As with this we then leave no openings for such hooks to play with us as our relationship develops with a solid foundation of truth, Love, honesty and respect that leaves no room for distractions to enter.
Absolutely incredible article Henrietta, it shows us that there is nothing wrong with being honest – actually is the best thing ever. And so it allows us to build more intimacy with ourselves (by opening up and being real) and also our relationships with people. So thank you for getting this illusion out of the way – and bringing in the truth about life – love is love, and has no limits to the depth of honesty we can go. So never to hold anything in – as it will close us down and shut us off (which will make us feel lonely anyway). It simply does not work.
What I love about your sharing Henrietta is that your relationship to you is palpable and that through this commitment, your choice that you felt was the only one to make no matter how difficult, was of the same qualities that help you see it – that being the rock solid commitment to love: you.
These walls we build up unconsciously are deeply deadening and stop relationships from flourishing. It is coming from a desire to keep the relationship but the crazy part is that it inevitably kills it.
It’s really loving of you to share such an intimate moment of yours and your husband’s life, it’s another level of deepening to be so transparent on the World Wide Web, I can feel you do this out of a real love for everyone.
Agreed. This is an incredible offering for everybody, to read the transformative impact of honesty and openness in our relationships and how they can deepen and develop.
The honesty with which you share Henrietta, is so pure and sweet. And I can feel with every word your dedication to humanity. Relationships are fundamental to the fabric of our existence, and you bring immense wisdom and the potential for healing to the world by sharing your real-ness and lived experience.
The ‘addiction of attraction’ – such an important topic you’ve put on the table Henrietta – thank you. How many relationships begin with this? Quite disturbing to consider actually. If addiction is a result of not wanting to feel and/or deal with what’s going on inside of us, then it’s like two empty vessels coming together to from a relationship. Addictions can be insatiable and ever demanding to be fed, so I can only imagine that this would constantly undermine and erode the relationship.
Thank you Henrietta for sharing this beautiful and very human story.
I feel nearly everyone has gone through something similar…even if it is only through the thinness of a fantasy! However, not much is explored about what is really going on apart from the typical: “something must be missing in your relationship”; however you have unfolded the whole thing with so much care, love and Depth.
Being in a relationship is not easy, but they are Gold in the sense of how much evolution they offer us. If we were to let go of the expectations and pictures we load our relationships with, we would be able to get real, stop the reaction, the drama and appreciate how much our relationships expose things about ourselves (our hidden and shadowy areas) – therefore offering us a pull to evolve!… I love your blog because even though it had the normal human emotional barrage, it was very simple and the unfoldment had the magic, clarity, simplicity and power of the Soul.
Honesty is the path back to truth, the place where true love resides.
And so the question we must ask ourselves at such a crossroad is – what do we bring together as a couple that is so powerful that such a force would seek to upset it? There is much fool’s gold lying strewn across the path back to the true love that burns within us all. This has been a gorgeous example Henrietta. Thank you for boldly sharing what others would fear to share for fear of being judged and thus for showing us that it is our willingness and ability to be completely transparent that allows us to be truly intimate with each other.
This is spot on Liane – there are many power couples (both in marriages and as friendships etc) that have much to bring to the world – and so of course there is the dark side too seeking to thwart that which is inevitably to be delivered. Power upsets the force and so the force seeks to destroy, but destroy it cannot – delay it can, should we allow it. But when power truly stands to deliver, deliver it will.
It’s so interesting that true intimacy is what we all want, but how easily we can be willing to sell out for a superficial level of intimacy. Although true intimacy requires work, I find, an openness and a willingness to be completely unguarded with another and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. This can feel like really scary territory sometimes, as I’m aware that there are some areas where I am holding on to hurts from the past, and sometimes not even consciously, that get in the way of intimacy. But even allowing myself to be aware of this, and being willing and present to offer myself understanding and care in these moments, feels beautiful, and is a marker of my deepening commitment to intimacy in and of itself.
This is gold Henrietta but the revelation for me was how we resist going deeper with honesty by our unwillingness to go to the truth. Holding back is resisting the opportunity to reveal another level of intimacy with ourselves and others.
I agree and could it be that when we resist or reject that next level of intimacy and honesty with ourselves and others that this allows in the distractions and the temptations?
When we feel empty on the inside it’s like a green light for distracting and tempting thoughts to come in to fill the empty space and ‘mess with our heads’. Intimacy begins with a willingness to be deeply intimate with oneself I’m discovering. To be constantly checking in and honest about how I’m feeling in my body, where I’m holding back from being me and my expression of this, and a willingness to let go of the barriers that I’ve put in place, sometimes ever so subtly to keep people at what I perceive to be a ‘safe’ distance.
“In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely.” This line is quite the revelation – does it mean that our loneliness could actually be due to the barriers and protection that we put up to keep people out??
So good you have highlighted that as a couple we end up putting up our guards and it becomes like a ‘ Mexican standoff’ and stubbornly we are not willing to give in. Basically spelling the end of intimacy and honesty and the start of an arrangement which can endure for years. But to bring in the truth it clears the barriers and brings it back to the original foundation, and allows the true love to continue to grow and deepen.
What came up for me reading this is that from past relationships I know that we create these opportunities for allowing the contemplation of possibilities with others, even if they remain just that, so as to stop ourselves from committing further and going deeper into what is offered in the relationship we are already in.
Spot on Michael – in a way we stunt ourselves with the choices we make OR on the contrary we can make choices that allow our own evolution. It is a constant learning for us all, every moment.
What a crossroad and test you were offered Henrietta, and you chose to go to truth, which opened up the intimacy in your own relationship, what a piece of gold to expose yet another game we are tempted into playing. How clear you have made the choice to go through the hard stuff to reveal yet a deeper connection of love with yourself and your partner.
There is no ideal picture to follow in a relationship—staying together is not always better than separating, or vice versa. What a relationship between two people offers is the ever on-going opportunity to deepen our own love and the love with each other, and whether we choose to take this opportunity or not, we will either have a relationship in building or we will not.
Relationships are the most amazing learning we have to deepen with ourselves and with someone else, it is a pot of god in each breath we take. Eventually we will discover that the most amazing pot of gold is the relationship we have first with ourselves, and when this is shared with another, it is even more amazing—not necessarily in the happily-ever-after false and very damaging image that we are sold about relationships, but in every encounter with another on an intimate level, we are asked to deepen this intimacy always with ourselves.
When an attraction (no matter how much or how little) takes us away from ourselves, we are asked to first deepen with ourselves. Whether we are single or with a partner, we are being asked to deepen the intimacy with ourselves and with each other. Being honest, nakedly so, with ourselves and with each other in what areas we have held back from being transparent and intimate, unlocks why we have looked outside and have allowed an attraction to distract us. How many marriages or relationships have broken up in the world because instead of taking responsibility to look at how we are with ourselves and with each other, we chose to ignore this awareness and used another distraction to cover this up?
I love your honesty here Henrietta. The commitment to truth, to your integrity and to your partner was clearly tested back then but how amazing that you felt it and acted on what was needed. An inspiration for all.
Allowing thoughts to fantasise about another is even a distraction from ourselves, whether in a relationship or not. Choosing to fill a void through lack of connection rather than being transparent and intimate with ourselves and therefore with others.
I love this Henrietta. This level of honesty and transparency is what allows for true intimacy and the opportunity to keep committing to new depths in a relationship. I say, well done to you both for going there and inspiring others to do the same.
This a Truly Beautiful sharing Henrietta. I can feel how much I usually wait for the other to be honest, all along having so many unexpressed feelings inside me. I can see there’s a Responsibility here. And this blog comes at perfect timing as I set an appoitment with my ex-partner soon to talk about the separation. As after three years I feel how we both haven’t let each other go. To let go of any expectations has been a huge thing for me. Which I’m learning as well. Thank you Henrietta and husband.
A new path leading away from our current path can be very tempting with the illusion that we can leave all our problems behind. Yet crossroads offer us so much more if we can see past the excitement of something new and enticing. The path that leads deep within is always the most rewarding, and possibly the hardest one to take.
Reading your sharing Henrietta has certainly shown above all honesty is the best policy. There can be no other way in any true relationship. Those ever present ‘hooks’ that like to present pictures and scenarios for us to get distracted and confused of which self-doubt can then follow if, allowed to.
Henrietta, thankyou for sharing your experience here. It is a subject that will no doubt support many people who find themselves caught in the trap of fantasy and exhilarhation about another partner, when they are already in a relationship. Your willingness and honesty to open up to your partner in this way, despite the possible consequences is inspiring, and shows that if we follow what we feel is true for us, it allows us to develop and grow much deeper and truer relationships.
I love the responsibility taken for what infidelity is. We do not have to sleep with another to be unfaithful. Entertaining thoughts is still infidelity. Infidelity may be “wrong” but whilst we carry hurts and keeps our walls of protection up there will always be something that a hook like you describe can latch on to. It is beautiful and inspiring to hear what transparency can offer, including the dissolving of what was there to be hooked in to.
This is a really important subject to speak about, Henrietta. Thank you for writing about it and for sharing your honesty.
Wow Henrietta, this is a topic so needed to be discussed, thank you. We arrive at infidelity like ‘it just happened’ or is unexplainable somehow. Yet as you show clearly there is an energy underneath. How crazy that in yearning for a deeper connection we actively sabotage and seek to escape. And what a powerful thing to face that just thinking and entertaining these thoughts is felt by everyone just the same as if you had been ‘unfaithful’ physically.
Thank you Henrietta for sharing your personal experiences so candidly. What infidelity means is I would imagine gauged ourselves by our own level of responsibility, but perhaps of most relevance is being able to look at why there may be cause for any infidelity, even in the form of thoughts and determine if it is a distraction and a way of not connecting more deeply with the potential in the current relationship.
An amazing sharing on many levels – because you are sharing that there are choices we get offered in life that can lead us one way or another – often the choice is between evolution and growth, or comfort and even steps back. When we take the time to consider the moments in life as this choice we are no longer owned by attractions or desire, be it for a person or a object like a car or job.
To deepen our relationship and become truly intimate with our self and another takes commitment and work. When we do this we connect to our purpose together and we live this in the world serving humanity in our own unique way.
It is obvious that the astral will try and prevent this and send a man/woman in our path to tempt us away from us being the power couple we are destined to be. We need to wake up to the ploy and stay true to what we know like you did Henrietta. Very inspirational and look what the two of you are offering humanity with the shop and all you do together.
Thank you Mary-Louise! And spot on – I feel there are many “power couples” out there who are bringing much and who have much to bring. And as a result you also have those who do not want these power couples to bring what they are to bring. And this extends to the power couples we see in friendships and families too – not just as couples dating or married or living together. So it is for all of us to be vigilant of the distractions that can come across our path.
This is a great blog as many couples come to this point and the allure of the so called “better man/ woman” wins. You are exposing as well as showing us the truth behind this distraction and a way to not fall in to the trap. This is invaluable to us all.
Thank you for this ripper blog Henrietta on understanding what is behind incessant thoughts like this. I can very much relate to this also and have found that it has mostly been when I haven’t wanted to deal with or go deeper in my relationships. It is a pure distraction so that we can take up our time with ‘processing’ those emotions instead of allowing space to look at what is really going on. I’ve also found honesty to be the only way to pull up and stop this pattern.
Wow Henrietta, thank you for writing this blog, your honesty and integrity is incredible and utterly inspiring. I can feel just how much the open and honest sharing you had with your partner deepened your relationship and allowed you to go to a whole new level of intimacy together. Beautiful and unmistakably rewarding.
It’s so beautiful to read another value the thoughts of being with another infidelity. I have always felt that to be faithful means to be faithful with our thoughts as well as our actions, although this has not been the norm in many conversations I have had in the past; it has always firmly been my view. We must be careful and transparent with what we think as well as what we do.
In my last relationship, at some point we got a new colleague at work and I was really attracted to him. He was much younger than I was but we really got along and with every shift, I hoped that he was working too. I actually dreamed about him as well. At some point I told my partner because I felt awful about it. I also talked about it with the colleague, funny thing was, he told me he was gay which gave me the excuse oh then it is not so bad at all. Wrong…..it was for me a huge distraction because things were not going that well in my own relationship and I did not want to deal with them.
This is amazing Mariette – I love how you exposed the ‘excuse’ that crept in – the justification that everything is ok because he was gay and did not reciprocate the attraction. But most of all, the beauty and the gift for yourself and your pattern lay the honesty in having shared with your partner what was going on – not to say this has to happen in all cases, but there is a huge level of trust that can unfold if this is shared with absolute respect towards another, and with the intent to totally expose the game.
The other day I had a great conversation about what it actually means ‘to cheat’. For many people cheating on you partner is having sex with somebody else. Then I said: but how about thinking about somebody all of the time, isn’t that cheating? Like you share so openly in your blog, cheating has many layers. For me cheating starts with the attraction. That already tells me that there is something to look at and that there is a lack of intimacy in my own relationship, with my partner ánd myself.
This picture captures infidelity well… it can be present in the smallest of gestures.
When you describe your obsessive thoughts around another man Henrietta reminds me how much fantasising about other relationships can be an addiction just like using substances like alcohol and drugs. Obsessing about another can be a way of self-medicating where we replace the feelings of loneliness in our current relationship with excitement and emotional desire towards a new person.
Absolutely awesome blog Henrietta. I love the way you share that opening up to your partner broke the ‘spell’ you felt you were under. Expressing the truth really does set us free.
What is described here reflects such a willingness to face and take responsibility for the really difficult issues of lack of intimacy through attraction and distraction. It is so much easier to follow the distractions which makes us feel good and offer excitement rather than the feel which are empty or unable to go deeper in our relationship with self and others.
OMG Henrietta you have raised the honesty bar so high I feel it is touching Heaven!
This article is a testament to the power of honesty – when we choose not to hide and to instead express how we feel there is no room for deceit, cracks or openings in which the relationship can crumble over if they are ever exposed.
Often there is so much that is not spoken about in relationships together and even though this seemed like a challenge to address; it shows how both value the honesty and where this can then take a relationship.
Thank you Henrietta. I loved reading this blog. It is a topic many people know so well, myself included. You have a beautifully honest and non-judgemental way of highlighting what is actually playing out in these situations.
Holding onto a secret or hiding something from someone close to us creates tension but by expressing what is going on, even if it isn’t easy to say or for the other person to hear, it allows the tension to dissipate. If it is held onto then it will always be a wedge between the two people preventing intimacy becoming deeper.
Henrietta, your article is testament to the power of honesty – while it can be challenging no doubt, it is incredible how honesty shines a light of clarity onto a situation. When we instead choose to keep things hidden, they grow bigger than they need to be, and gnaw at us incessantly.
I grew up fantasizing all the time. It is a pure distraction and unlived separative desire of what you are not bringing to yourself.
So we could say that being unfaithful actually begins with a lack of commitment to ourselves firstly, and thus a lack of commitment to the relationship… thus creating an opening we seek to fill in one way or another.
So often infidelity is spoken about in a way that is assuming that the current partner is not enough, not fulfilling one’s needs or that the relationship is not working out the way one had hoped. It’s a great point you raise Henrietta, that the lack of intimacy and emptiness you were feeling needed to be addressed by the way you were in the relationship; and not by blaming another or seeking an exciting yet temporary solution of distraction.
It takes strength, courage and vulnerability to do what you did Henrietta, at the risk of your now husband being so hurt that it could have ended or damaged your relationship. But your willingness to be totally open and honest with him paid off and it sounds like now your relationship is deeper than it was before.
This is amazing Henrietta and what a courageous and truly evolutionary choice you made. The majority of relationships that don’t endure would surely be because of a lack of preparedness to deepen that level of intimacy and honesty within the relationship instead taking the “easy’ way out and starting again with a different partner but more often than not ending with the same result as nothing in truth has been healed.
I always find it great to share everything with my husband – whatever it is.
Henrietta – thank you for this very gorgeous and deeply personal sharing, much can be learnt from it by others.
I love this line – ‘I was already with an amazing man – I already had my pot of Gold.’ It is a gem and a reminder that we each are and have with us all we desire if we should choose to surrender and deepen in our love and with our others around us. Opportunity is all around us and it’s our choice to accept it.
A truly awesome blog and one that many people could relate to. We have to start talking about these things and being honest about them because they do occur and the more we get honest about them the easier it is for us to deal with them.
‘I came to realise that although I thought our relationship was fine, I actually felt loneliness and a lack of intimacy (in the sense of deep sharing with each other) in our relationship.’ – I love what you share here, it highlights that when we are not truly honest and allow our partner to see all of us, there cannot be true intimacy. So in effect, we create our own loneliness.
Wow Henrietta thank You so much for sharing this so openly. This is gold to read and so supportive. Its so great to be so honest and speak the truth with no attachment. With love Nadine
I know for myself in the past I have often used the excuse for not being completely honest with others about what I feel because I didn’t want to hurt them, today I know that what is truly harming is to hold back and not speak truth.
Your sharing is a pot of gold Henrietta – the enormous impact it has on ourselves and our relationships when we choose to hold things to ourselves and to not be fully honest about what we feel, can be seriously damaging.
I love what you have written Henrietta. Relationships shift and change and the truth is that we all seek to go deeper, to connect more intimately with another and with ourselves and for this to happen it has to be built on a foundation of truth. Your article brings out for discussion something that happens to many and when it is not spoken of it can lead to outcomes that need not to have happened. This sharing is so beautiful in so many ways and I would like to express my deep appreciation to yourself and your partner for this gift.
Henrietta,
I too have experienced the pull of excitement and the wondering thoughts of what if. Just recently I also felt how imposing it is on another to have these thoughts and day dreams about what if and how any relationship that begins on imposition from me means that there would also be an imposition on me. With needs and desires driving the relationship, and absent would be the only thing that any of us truly want, love, understanding and openness in our relationships. Which is what you highlight as being the absolute gold.
A beautiful honest sharing Henrietta, I love it. You have shed light on an issue that I feel many relationships have going on, and that doesn’t get talked about.
You have offered us another way to be and honour relationships Henrietta and all who read this blog have an opportunity to deepen their connection and appreciate their pot of gold!
Your honesty and openness is much appreciated and a reflection of those qualities in your relationship Henrietta. A great role model for any committed relationship.
Henrietta, I love your level of honesty. So many people would continued to allow themselves to be hooked and bedazzled by something that is tantalising and exciting. I know the feeling of being under a spell, and the only way to deal with it is to debase it with absolute truth. The truth can only take you deeper, and the distraction will only take you away from yourself.
Love never ever ends. I know this to be a fact as from my own experience, the more open we are to going deeper the endless the intimacy, understanding and deep deep care and holding not to mention joy, playfulness and absolute love, go. It appears that if we are ever faced with infidelity it is just that we are not going to the next level on offer in the current relationship
Thank you Henrietta for your honest and open sharing. I am single, and recently felt myself attracted to a man, no harm in that you say. But although in my heart I knew nothing would come of it, as he was going through a divorce with two young children, it didn’t stop me being distracted for several weeks and I completely went into the irresponsibility of leaving myself behind, therefore not giving him a reflection that this relationship was not only abusive (through inappropriate emails and texts that I didn’t recognise as abuse at the time) but also that it was NOT okay. This was a great learning for me, and the big one was the infidelity towards MYSELF, being hooked into what I thought could potentially be love, but quite blatantly, was just the hook of sexual attraction, neediness and wanting attention from someone else when all the love I will ever need is right there inside of me.
Honesty is the pathway to unconditional love.
It is also the foundation of every great relationship with everyone.
Beautiful reading and revealing at the same time of the games that can be played. Not only by us but also through us. We could almost identify them as forces that wants to play with us. Thoughts popping up in our heads, energies taking us away from deepening something we know is true. You held on to what felt true and benefitted deeply so as it seems by your sharing. In contrast to that we can look out and see how often we get swept away doing things we then regret not realising what we actually had. What I take away reading your post is how much we need honesty, transparency and constant communication in every relationship in our lives to keep them solid and strong when these moments of doubs or wobbles comes along.
Henrietta you are spot on in describing attraction as a hook, basically it is there to make us look outside of ourselves instead of first to the innate Love that resides within us all. We are powerfull when truly connected to this so no wonder there is an energy that doesn’t want us to be all that we are … then it has no more place in the world manipulating others. It is great the extent to which you have described infidelity, absolutey this isn’t just sleeping with another person who is not our partner, it can be a thought about another or thinking about someone else while with your partner. Recently after a discussion with a colleague I was aware of how currently with younger people, mainly men, it is seen to be okay to sleep with other people while with your partner (without them knowing) and still be considered as a ‘good boyfriend’! This doesn’t set any kind of foundation for solid, trustful and respectful relationships but leaves gaps for dishonesty, hurts, lack of self worth and self esteem for the person that is being cheated on and sets us up to settle for less than we truly deserve and to not trust. So I deeply appreciate what you and your partner have shared here, it gives humanity something else, one being what true relationships are which is forever deepening with one another. I can feel the solidness of your relationship in your writing and it’s inspiring.
I have known infidelity to be the same thing… The hook/ wanting another. To me, it shows how much the relationship lacks true intimacy, a deep care/ sharing with another. With this, how could you look in another direction ? Thank you for sharing. Especially how you asked him to marry you- beautiful.
Henrietta, thank you a billion for sharing this. Your honesty is noteworthy and the ability you have to share with your partner the hard stuff is awesome. No doubt most relationships go through hard moments- the willingness to go there and sort it out is what’s needed.
Yes all relationships do experience various levels of tensions and things to address. But that’s the beauty – for without that we would not address or go deeper and discover the depth of love that can be had. Recently my husband and I have been deepening our commitment to appreciate and confirm in our relationship. We felt there was more and we listened to the call. Now we are experience the most beautiful unified feeling,m and trust because of the surrendering and openness we are allowing. And still we know this love is always expanding.
and I no longer have the same underlying need that this kind of attraction can engender.
Wow – what an amazing and honest sharing. This really shows how we can call in distraction and drama to not appreciate what we have. And that if we do not express and communicate all the time, it just fuels the drama. But your decision to talk to your partner about the hook is just amazing and shows the absolute power of expressing the truth at all times. This was confirmed by the hook letting go once you had shared all there was to share. If we continue to deepen relationships by constant communication, then what a loving and true way to be with each other.
Great article, thank you Henrietta. I was pondering this subject of attraction this morning and how easily and quickly this can happen and what makes us choose how to respond. I had been attracted to a man about a year ago and he obviously to me. I could easily have responded to his undeniable interest in me, I can’t say that I didn’t enjoy his attention at the time and yet something in me knew not to encourage or entertain anything closer than a friendship. Perhaps when I was younger and did not have so much regard for myself things might have been different but today I feel an intimacy with myself and with my friends that gives me a sense of wholeness
The sayings ‘Oh! what a tangled web we weave’ through the meanderings of our mind, is very relevant to getting caught up in the illusion that the ‘grass is always greener on the other side’……..that is, until we get over there and often have to then face, the reality of yet another illusion!
An profoundly honest sharing on infidelity and the many forms it can take Henrietta. A topic that will support many to understand that elusive pot of gold is usually right there in front of us, it is only our lack of true communication that keeps it hidden from us.
I too have felt that hook and how that attraction can try and pull me in, yet if I take time to feel what is happening in my body, there is no stillness there, but a sense of leaving solid ground.
How many of us continually seek that illusive “pot of gold”, thinking that all will be wonderful when we find it, but sadly it usually turns out to be “fool’s gold”, when all the time what we have right in front of us is the true gold, as you so beautifully discovered Henrietta. Thank you for such a deeply honest account of this incredibly pivotal moment in your life.
What a beautiful sharing Henrietta, thank you. The hook can feel so enticing, inviting us into something new yet when we accept that invitation it is usually not long before we find what we have is simply a repeat of what we left behind and there is nothing really changes. To be willing to be honest at that moment and express what you were feeling changed everything – the space opened up for a deeper level of intimacy for you both. That is gold.
Even in the relationship with ourselves what if just having thoughts of being elsewhere or listening to the thoughts in our minds/headspace without being aware of our bodies was a level of infidelity? Because what is the potential when we are connected to ourselves completely? What is also beautiful in what you’ve shared Henrietta is that willingness to be raw and expose the hurt that the hooking feeling could offer a distraction from. You exposed it, felt it but grown so much from it, thank you.
Great topic Henrietta, and one which I am sure many will relate too. I found it quite interesting when you wrote that once you had been open and honest with your partner that the hook finally lost it’s power – this seems to have given you the opportunity to take your relationship with your partner to a deeper level, and to bring to the surface some intimacy issues.
Love, love, love your blog Henrietta the same thing happened to me about 4 years ago, I could feel attraction to another man and allowed my thoughts to go there with ‘what if…’ Sensibly I chose to tell my partner everything I was feeling, and just like with you I found the spell was broken and I was able to go deeper and open up to him in an more honest and tender way. Truth and understanding are a must for any relationship.
How beautiful Samantha – truth and understanding are indeed a must for any relationship. And the big thing is, as I have learned, to bring this truth and understanding to self first and from here then bring it to the other. It takes much courage to be truthful to self and it takes much much deep love to bring understanding to oneself too, which of course removes any judgement and allows a flourishing of ones relationship with self and also the deepening of the relationship with the other. Sharing our past experiences is a healing in itself as it highlights those areas that are in need of growth (such as bringing a depth of understanding) and also act to confirm the qualities that we hold.
Henrietta thank you for broadening our perception of what infidelity is and exposing its various forms. It is important to openly state that fantasising about another person when having sex with your partner is infidelity, dishonest and disrespects the person you are in relationship with.
Thank you, Henrietta, for discussing something out in the open that is generally not shared. I love how you have clarified that any obsession or addiction can be traced back to a distraction or avoidance, from going deeper within ourselves. Getting hooked into something is a sure sign that we are no longer connected to the spaciousness and flow that we feel when our ship is being steered by the love of our soul.
Thank you for your honest and open sharing Henrietta. You demonstrate true intimacy in sharing what you were going through with your partner, with the risk that would destroy what you had built up between you both. When we surrender to what we know to be true miracles can happen.
Thank you Henrietta for your candid honesty here. We will get these distractions. They help us to make choices to evolve to a deeper level of intimacy or jump ship. Such loving support and grace is given to us as always. We are never alone.
“In retrospect, I now realise that I was offered a crossroad – one direction was an opportunity to deepen my relationship and commitment with my partner whilst the other was to leave my partner and begin a new exciting relationship that did not ask of me to go deeper nor develop further.” This is such a key point Henrietta, and can be transposed to other areas in life where we may be tempted to stray. What is our choice – in each situation – to commit and evolve with a choice we know to be true – or to distract ourselves momentarily for the short term gain?
A very much needed blog Henrietta. Infidelity starts early on as you say, much before the physical acts, and can be very damaging. I love the expose and realisation that actually all this was was a distraction away from going deeper with yourself and your husband.
What an amazing way to look at the opportunity presented of love and deepening your relationship with your partner from your honesty, sharing, love and greater intimacy or to choose one of change , lack of commitment , to not go deeper and possible loss of the beautiful relationship you had . A really inspiring blog of our choices in relationships and what is really going on. There is always a choice to go deeper evolve and bring more love into our lives through honesty and the sharing of all we are. Thank you Henrietta for this wisdom and learning.
When we lack intimacy with ourselves and partners, we often seek it elsewhere, rather than explore what is missing in the relationship and we harbour feelings of emptiness and loneliness. When I explored infidelity with someone I know. I was curious to know if the hurt partner had any clue something was already wrong in the relationship, before the infidelity stepped in. Very often infidelity brings things to a head and is a turning point. It is not the source the problem, merely a symptom. An unwillingness to be honest and share the most intimate parts of ourselves in relationships is breeding ground for dissent and pursing distractions
This is excellent – I’ve always felt infidelity included thoughts too, and you can for sure cheat on someone with your thoughts or in your head, it may not be the physical act but it takes the same amount of your energy and commitment for it to happen.
And the same could be said for sexual thoughts or fantasies that are imposing on another too. How many of us as women have felt a man look at us and undress us with his eyes, and though we can’t read his thoughts, we can certainly feel what is happening and it is imposing and disrespectful and one could say no different to the energy that comes from rape (a wanting and taking energy). So this then opens up a whole new can of worms – if we know and can feel that infidelity can come from not watching our thoughts, then so can sexual molestation, rape and other forms of violence be inflicted on another when we do not govern our thoughts. This really brings responsibility to the fore and lifts the bar on all levels.
I wonder if more people approached relationships in this way, that the divorce rates across the globe would change. Relationships would be in a very different place if we were willing to open up, deepen them and go there with one another. Too often people jump ship so to speak or create a drama, at the first sign of any disharmony in a relationship, if they are being asked to deepen it, be more loving, or if they see something better. We as a society have given up on working on our stuff with ourselves and each other. There would be many many more amazing and true relationships in the world, with not only partners, but friends, family and work colleagues if we were to approach relationship in this way, with openness, integrity and vulnerability.
I love the fact you have exposed infidelity as more than sleeping with another.
‘I was not willing to give up on what I shared with my partner’ this is a very beautiful to read and feel, as so many of us give up on each other. When all it takes is the willingness to open up, communicate and share how we feel.
Thank you Henrietta. It is rare for someone to share how they pulled themselves back from infidelity and re-built their relationship. I observed how with self awareness you reflected on what was happening within you and when obsessive thoughts called, you recognised it for what it was and your choice helped you dis-entangle yourself from those thoughts.. Without it and being honest with your partner the hooks would have deepened and reeled you in.
This is an absolutely incredible article written with rawness, honesty absolute truth and integrity. Opening yourself and your relationship up like this will be a healing and blessing for many. Too often we are not willing to share and talk about what really goes on in relationships and how we feel with our partners, friends or family. In this we hold onto hurts or bury them deeper, often building resentment or letting a relationship go by the way, or become one of comfort, instead of the willingness to take it deeper.
I like how you have described the different levels of infidelity as quite often unless someone has had sex with the other these other levels are overlooked. You expose how any sway or distraction away from the relationship we have is telling us that something needs addressing in ourselves or as a couple. Thank you for this open and honest account that I am sure will support many.
Henrietta, thank you for sharing so openly and honestly about your relationship and the attraction to the other man, I love how honest you were with your partner and how this honesty and truth has allowed your relationship to deepen, this is very inspiring to read and makes me aware how if we are not true and do not say what is going on for us in our relationships then this creates a separation and a distance between us.
Taking a risk to go deeper… I recall also doing similar in a another relationship where I needed to come clean about my infidelity. It was the best thing I could have done and was the catalyst for even greater honesty from my partner and soon thereafter the end of the relationship. It was what needed to happen – bringing the truth into the foreground led to evolution for us both. It’s great to reflect on this topic – thank you for the opportunity.
The ultimately selfish nature of the illicit attraction is highlighted well here. I know in the past I have had a similar experience, choosing to break up with my then partner – not for someone else but for the possibility of a new partner. I caused a lot of pain and ended a relationship on quite spurious grounds. Avoiding the intimacy, as you say here.
It can be so easy to fall into a pattern of living with someone where everything is actually quite harmonious, but a greater depth in the quality of the relationship is actually, and often quite masterfully, avoided. Yet over time, such things in my experience cannot remain ticking along, in a sense of ‘comfortable status quo’.
Being open to the depth that is there to experience with another – sharing openly, honestly, without blame or expectation, can open the doors to so very much… How readily we can resist this, actually fearing the dropping of our own walls and guards – but really, what have we got to lose in putting everything on the table?
Our commitment to love far outweighs any outcome in a relationship – and it is the committed and courageous one (if I may use that word here), who remains so open, and ever-willing to learn and reveal more of who they are. And then when we experience the beauty of this being met in kind – wow…
Victoria, these words are GOLD : “Our commitment to love far outweighs any outcome in a relationship” And I love what follows after too: – “and it is the committed and courageous one (if I may use that word here), who remains so open, and ever-willing to learn and reveal more of who they are. And then when we experience the beauty of this being met in kind – wow…”. The way you have expressed this Victoria is absolutely gorgeous! Thank you.
How amazing that you took this opportunity to go to the next X in your life, Henrietta ~ to deepen your relationship with your partner. That takes awareness, space, love, expression, honesty, commitment and so much more, all of which you embraced in the process.
Henrietta this is a clear sharing of the importance of being honest and sharing what you are feeling with a partner and if the relationship is founded on trust and commitment then you both grow in intimacy and understanding of each other.
It’s interesting to ponder where fidelity stops and starts. You have identified a number of forms of infidelity, many of which do not involve a full-blown affair. Yet it is possible to say, look at someone who is not your partner and find them attractive. Is this infidelity? It depends the energy in which the thought occurs. I feel you can appreciate the beauty, grace or natural sexiness of another without it being anymore than that. Or, other, more destructive thoughts can be entertained. That’s when the damage is done.
Henrietta, having had a similar experience during my first marriage, I can relate deeply to what you’ve shared. The experience of a very strong attraction to another, in the end, allowed me to go far deeper in my relationship with myself, and the honesty that I brought to my marriage at that time.
Like yourself, I never acted upon the attraction physically, but boy did I entertain and find it hard not to be quite obsessed at times with thoughts of ‘the other’. Through also bringing honesty with everyone involved in the situation, I was able to discover parts of myself as the woman that I am, that I’d been denying in the way I was living – yes, this was in part about my marriage, but it was far, far more about my relationship with me.
This is a beautiful and very powerful blog that I wished I had read 25 years ago when this crossroads presented to me. Thank you for sharing your wisdom Henrietta.
Thank you so much – to both you and your partner – for sharing this story and learnings. This is a brave move as you potentially open yourselves up to judgement. That you took the further risk of being vulnerable with more than just your partner is to be applauded.
Thank you sharing Henrietta, it is important we discuss everything with our partners otherwise things build up and then come out in bursts. The moment we stop expressing everything to our partner we should stop and ask ourselves why? If they are one of the closest people to us, someone we have chosen to spend our lives with and we are holding something back then what is going on? What is more important than the love we have with another? In my experience absolutely nothing. Yet I went through a period of eating bakewell tarts and could not bear to tell my wife because I had assumed she would be mad at me – what I see is that I was putting this ahead of our marriage, I was effectively having a relationship with them – so you could say cheating. But what led me to not want to say hang on something is up, I need to address this? I now see how every relationship directly effects every other relationship whether it be with a person, a food, a drink, a sport etc.. it is one life and what we do in one area we take with us into the next.
I absolutely love this twist that you have brought in James! It is so true that we can end up feeling hooked with a food, a sport etc and in essence can be unfaithful to ourselves and another, no different to allowing the distraction of being with another! This is another blog itself – awesome! Thank you!
In reading Henrietta’s amazing, open and honest blog, I could also feel that ‘hooking thoughts’ do not end at relationships. As you share, James, I have had hooking thoughts about food, but also about business ideas, holiday destinations, TV programs, Suduko puzzles, etc, etc. They are compulsive thoughts that elate and excite (maybe not so much the Suduko) and distract me from reality and responsibility. Now, rather than running with the fantasy, I am able to recognise that these thoughts do not come from love, they take me away from my stillness and solidness. I can ask myself “what I am avoiding?” or “how have I been living that I have allowed this imposition?”
Thank you Henrietta for such an honest sharing of a topic I am sure many couples face. So often the allure of another when in relationship is but an illusion and distraction from the fear of intimacy, of taking down our protections built because of past hurts. For me this sentence, “In so doing, I let go of the barriers that I did not even realise I had put in place to keep him out and that made me feel lonely”, is the defining one of your sharing.
I love your honesty and willingness to share your experiences with infidelity, Henrietta and the many levels of it. There is a point in all relationships where we are asked to go deeper, and to be more intimate with each other, and it is at this point that we have a choice to go there or not. If we don’t we look for distractions to fill this gap, and this is when we can start to look outside our relationship. From my own experience in our refusal to be more intimate and truly let go and commit fully then the relationship becomes one of function and starts to loose it’s spark. Communication is what keeps the relationship open and alive and you were willing to open up and expose your thoughts even at the risk of losing your husband.
Henrietta, thank you for sharing your story. What stood out for me was the bravery of baring your soul, opening up and sharing what you felt with your partner, in spite of knowing that what you say will hurt and could jeopardise your whole relationship. But amazing to feel what it can lead to: a removal of the barriers that you were putting between you both and that were cutting off the intimacy between you and leaving you feeling isolated and lonely. Expressing how we feel is so important, all of the time – and it’s when we don’t, that other distractions can creep in and take us away from the beauty that we already have.
Great sharing Henrietta, not many people in the world would consider having sexual fantasies with somebody else as an infidelity!
I had an interesting reflection… in terms of even if we are not in a relationship, there are those exciting thoughts of a partner that could be true, or could be a distraction from just being 100% yourself. Of being responsible for being full-filled yourself first before having another to fill a gap. So for me the pot of gold lives within me, and any relationship needs to enhance that, and not fill an emptiness.
Couldn’t agree more Simon. The opportunity Henrietta’s open and honest sharing offers us it’s readers, is that point of reflection of how often it is in our lives that we can be ‘taken away’ – hooked, by something or someone. It is only by the consistent building of our commitment to our relationship with ourselves that, with honesty, we can arrest such distractions, and return to that solid gold connection to our love.
Beautifully said Simon, bringing the gold back to its source, our inner most.
This brought back memories of a situation I had experienced in one of my relationships where there was infidelity by my partner (not in a sexual sense but in the sense of being with someone else that was inappropriate). At the time it was deeply hurtful and while not condoning what happened, when I think back, it exposed the intimacy that was missing in our relationship. It was definitely a shake up at the time that really made us both consider where our relationship was at and provided the opportunity to consider what had led up to that point.
Thank you for this sharing. It brings light into a difficult subject. Having the honesty to clock what is blocking a relationship situation and making the commitment to work together to leave it behind is quite something. It reflects indeed that you had a golden pot in your hands.
Thank you for such open and honest sharing Henrietta and an experience that I’m sure cloaks many relationships. Your experience of feeling free from something is so apparent when we share with honesty and truth, especially when we can be that way with ourselves and lay our own cards out on the table, then doing this with our partner, husband or wife offers the complete picture that we stand upon and an opportunity to work together.
I feel this blog will help so many people that have ever faced the same sort of problem, a great healing sharing. How many beautiful relationships have been ruined by the allure of something a little exciting over the steadiness of a slightly stale one.
Thank you for this blog Henrietta. I think many people can relate to the temptation and might even doubt the relationship they are in as they fall ‘in love’ with someone else, so how could their current relationship be true then? This is also very much emphasized by movies, books, magazines etc. that love can be over, but they often do not go where you have gone and what seems very true to me: that it is an escape or distraction of the current relationship and relationship with ourselves that we are asked to take deeper.
This is a great sharing and something that happens a lot with many people, it is like it comes along to test us and to see if we are prepared to go deeper with our partners. The hooking can be very strong and as you say ‘takes over you’ even if it is only thoughts. What is so awesome in your sharing is when you were prepared to go there and be deeply honest and intimate that this gave you the next level of depth that you were actually craving and knew was absolutely possible. When we start to fully appreciate what we have and don’t take it for granted then we are less likely to be distracted by temptations that are so readily available in life.
It is interesting how many times when presented with choices that are life changing decisions, that can simply be the illusion of the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Are these times of indecision, just us wanting to shuck our responsibility?
There are so many pots of gold in your sharing Henrietta, but what stands out to me most right now, is how we block what we want most, which is the depth of sharing that true intimacy brings by putting up our own barriers and not letting all of ourselves be seen. It is quite something when we start to express without the fear of judgement or rejection and really allow ourselves to let love in. I am committed to doing this in my current relationship as I have learnt from past relationships that to bury the truth of what I know and what I feel is so damaging for all. This is something I am able to do more each day just by being more honest with myself and listening to what I feel in my body. A beautiful work in progress.
Henrietta I love your openness and absolute honesty about a subject most people would not want to admit being unfaithful or talk about, to their partner, and then later share with others. By following your heart’s impulse to disclose the truth to your partner, knowing that the relationship could possibly end, is taking responsibility and very inspiring.
Honesty is the best policy as they say, and in your case it definitely has proven to be the right choice.
You are so right Loretta, so many of us would not want to admit to being unfaithful and many would not feel that thoughts counted as being unfaithful. Henrietta’s honesty has shown that by being totally open about this situation with her partner, they were able to go deeper in their relationship. A very thought provoking blog!
Thanks Henrietta for sharing this. I can very much relate to the situation you were in and also the hurt we do to ourselves from such an attraction to another and the harm that can come with it. It is an important sharing, as I am sure most people in or out of relationships can relate to.
This brings me so much more understanding of why people do what they do. We have this opportunity to go deeper, to let go of the barriers that keep us at arms length from each other, or we can choose to start again with another and just go as deep as we have before. It is our willingness to be all that we can be without holding back. So many times we avoid turmoil and discomfort in our lives yet this shake up can bring us so much insight. It takes a lot of courage to live our lives in the full, active depth that is possible. There is no comfort in a deep and loving life.
Henrietta, what an important aspect of life you enlighten us on. Isn’t it interesting that when we are distracted often we ‘chase’ the distraction and then end up without our ‘pot of gold’ that was with us all the time. This is quite symbolic of life, however, if we realise that maybe the distraction or reflection we get from other people is a real opportunity for us to delve deeper into our selves to uncover what that ‘attraction/distraction’ was really about, then healing can occur.
Henrietta this is such an important thing to share with all women, opening up the potential for the relationship you actually want to have with a partner is our own responsibility. Taking that first step to opening up, allowing ourselves to be seen in full, has almost never failed in my experience. And yet it is often the last thing we are prepared to do… instead adopting a ‘your go there first and then I will’ approach. Well done and huge thanks for sharing what you have.
Henrietta you have uncovered much about infidelity. I love how you have exposed that there are different levels of infidelity and rightly have included fantasising about another as one such level of infidelity. As ‘everything is energy’ then it makes complete sense that having sexual thoughts about being with another is a form of infidelity.