When I say ‘my family,’ what I am referring to is my immediate family: my partner of 27 years and our sixteen-year-old son. The relationships that we share within our family have changed beyond recognition, and I feel impulsed to share a little about how these changes have come about, because I know that to be in true relationship with one another is what we all so desperately crave.
There’s a dinner that we shared that stands out for me and not, unfortunately, because of how great it was. It was about seven years ago now, and I had started to become very aware of how little quality time we spent together as a family. ‘The boys’ tended to eat separately to me: I would eat my meals in the kitchen in front of the computer and the boys would eat in the living room, in front of the telly.
At the time I put it down to the fact that we generally ate different things and at different times but now, looking back, I can see that it had much more to do with the fact that we were all choosing to check out whilst we ate, rather than to connect with one another. So, spurred on to instigate more quality family time, I suggested that we have a few meals together in the kitchen. The analogy ‘pulling hen’s teeth’ comes to mind, however, reluctantly, very reluctantly, they both agreed.
Sitting down and sharing a meal was, for us, often uncomfortable. On the rare occasions when we did (which was usually only when we ate out), it would invariably end up with our son doing or saying something that derailed the whole evening. At the time my partner and I thought that he was just being difficult, but now I can see that he was reacting to how uncomfortable it was for us to all share a meal together, without the distraction of either the telly or the computer.
So, to make this particular meal more comfortable and to aid the flow of conversation, I assembled a collection of photos that I hoped would be good ‘conversation starters.’ I think I managed to share two of the photos before being heckled into submission. The conversation then reverted to what had become our default conversation topic: ‘football.’
It would have been so incredibly easy to just give up. The inertia in those early days was a veritable force, and one that I would have gladly backed down from, had the alternative not been worse. But the alternative was worse, far worse: it was to continue as we were, living life as three separate human beings, albeit under the same small roof. What’s fascinating is that up until pretty much that exact point I would have put my hand on the Bible and sworn that we were a close and loving family.
But that is the dark side of all beliefs – they blind us from the truth.
The truth about our family relationships was just one of many truths that had been revealed since starting to align to The Ageless Wisdom through Universal Medicine. The beliefs that I had previously encased myself in had started to fall away and, as uncomfortable as it was at times, more and more of the truth was gradually being revealed.
However, although my intention was to bring a deeper level of connection to our family, I often lacked a deeper level of connection with myself. And as it is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others, it meant that my attempts were thwarted before they’d even begun. The main saboteur to my connection with myself was judgement – I was steeped in the stuff. I didn’t even need to open my mouth for others to feel the scorn of my judgement: it seeped from my pores.
Manipulation and control rode on the back of judgement to produce a nasty combination that ensured that ‘quality’ was nowhere to be seen. For months, my night time routine was to stand at the living room door on my way to bed and sulkily ask my partner if he was going to come to bed too. I, of course, knew full well that he wouldn’t but when he confirmed that he wasn’t, I would slouch across the carpet and kiss him goodnight reluctantly, before slouching off to bed. What a setup. Really, what an ugly setup, and one that guaranteed that my partner would never come to bed because, seriously, who would?
So those early years of trying to instigate change were difficult, very difficult indeed, and for all of us. The boys had their ways of dealing with life and I was trying to haul them away from their tried and tested ways of coping.
The game-changer came in a single sentence during an esoteric healing session. I was talking about my struggle with the amount of time that my son spent on his screens and the practitioner said, “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” I knew instantly that what I had been communicating to both my son and my partner was a general air of displeasure, mixed with a liberal sprinkling of judgement and scorn. So truly, what change could possibly come about from that, other than both of them getting pretty fed up with me?
It was from that point on that I started to get honest about what I was really communicating with my family and I did this by getting very honest about what it was that I was communicating with my body, something that I hadn’t, up until then, been choosing to pay attention to.
If, for example, I was about to bowl into my son’s room and interrogate him about what he was watching, then when possible, I stopped myself. When I felt myself ‘too busy’ to stop properly and greet my partner when he came in from work then again, to the best of my ability, I would stop what I was doing and be present with him. When I felt the next thing on my to-do list pulling me away from lingering on my son’s bed, I would resist the urge to jump up and instead commit to a few minutes more of gentle touch. And although my body could not always be convincing in what I wanted to communicate, this stage was a very necessary one.
In some ways it has been a slow process, but in another way it’s been quick, especially considering how profound the changes have been. My family feels completely different now, and both my son and my partner have changed beyond recognition, as have I. What I have come to feel is that change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change, but only when the change is an offering and never when it is enforced on another.
It feels like we’ve all gone from being one dimensional cardboard cut-outs of ourselves, to newer, fuller and truer multi-dimensional versions of ourselves. The rather dead staleness that I found so suffocating in our relationships before has been replaced with an aliveness that is palpable. An aliveness that starts with each of us, and one that we then bring into our relationships with all others.
As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look, and as long as I keep being honest about my contribution (what I bring with my body), then I know that the quality of our relationships will keep refining and deepening.
And one of the wonderful things about it all is, there is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another.
Published with permission of my son and partner.
By Alexis Stewart, disability support worker, yoga teacher, massage therapist, mother, partner, self-appointed cheerleader for humanity, woman whose identity as an individual seems to be fading fast
Further Reading:
True Relationship with Self
Honouring the Purpose of Family
From Family Madness to a Miracle Re-union
This is a great sharing
“Sitting down and sharing a meal was, for us, often uncomfortable. On the rare occasions when we did (which was usually only when we ate out), it would invariably end up with our son doing or saying something that derailed the whole evening. At the time my partner and I thought that he was just being difficult, but now I can see that he was reacting to how uncomfortable it was for us to all share a meal together, without the distraction of either the telly or the computer.”
So often when we sit down with people we talk about the weather, the day we may have had or a particular incident from the day. It’s not often that we can sit down and actually express what is going on and how we are feeling. We don’t really say anything and keep life at a superficial level. It’s a bit like the analogy of having a big White Elephant in the room and everyone is determined to ignore it and pretend it is not there. So to expose what sitting down and sharing a meal together was like is the first step in unpicking the fabric of life we have fallen for.
When we walk in the appreciation of our essences then every relationship will become more intimate as we can never be appreciative without intimacy!
and we can’t be intimate without also being appreciative. Intimacy and appreciation knit each other closer together. How beautiful is that?
Thank you Alexis for the inspiration to deepen our relationship with every conversation we share.
And thank you Mary for reminding me this morning that every conversation that I have is an opportunity to go deeper in my relationship with myself as well as with the person I am conversing with. My body can be a tool to take things deeper or I can use it to maintain the status quo and fortify the illusion. It is my choice and it is one that I am making in each and every moment.
” “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” This is such a great reminder for me. Reflection is everything. Our body speaks louder than our words.
Yes . It is said we communicate far more with our body language than with our words. Our movements say so much. When we learn to read energy again – as we did when young – we pick up so much.
Loved re-reading your blog Alexis. “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” I’m about to visit my grandchildren – And yes absolutely – my body and my movements speak louder than my words
In short our movements reflect our relationship with God. At any point in time we are all either moving in sync with Him or out of sync with Him. We can never move without Him, as He is in us always but we certainly can move against His natural rhythm. Therefore what each of us is acutely aware of, albeit unconsciously is those who are moving with God and those who are not.
Alexis your comment is to me like a bomb going off
“In short our movements reflect our relationship with God. At any point in time we are all either moving in sync with Him or out of sync with Him. We can never move without Him, as He is in us always but we certainly can move against His natural rhythm.”
And this is what we do, we move out of rhythm with God which keeps us in the separation to him so that we can create our own rhythm which is individuality, just because we can. This is the bomb going off because it clearly shows to me our arrogance and lack of responsibility as we are Gods living as un-Gods.
And Mary it takes constant effort for a God to live as an un-God and the crazy thing is we refer to that constant effort as ‘our life’ including all of the so called ‘good bits’. The things we champion, the things we celebrate, the things we strive for are actually all the things that keep us out of rhythm with God. It’s absolutely crazy when you really consider what’s going on.
Isn’t it amazing and also incredibly sad that we can live with people or a person yet there is no deep connection or expression of how we feel or are feeling? It is like people living in the same space but just doing their own thing. I have a feeling this is currently a bit of an epidemic! We have so much to learn, explore and heal with regards to all of our relationships.
I couldn’t agree more Vicky. We are living in an energetic ocean of what amounts to the most intimate of relationships and yet we are keeping pretty much everyone at arms length. This is a tragedy that most are consciously unaware of. We are One undivided energetic mass of God and yet we behave like separate fragments.
Yes. Seeing couples and or families together, yet they are often all on their screens. No meaningful communication at all. No connection. Sad
Sue, this is something I’m very aware of too. But I’m also very aware that I can very easily go into judgement and also sadness when I see people on their screens and judgement and sadness are just as destructive as checking out on a screen.
I reconnected tonight with members of my family I have not seen for years, it was at a funeral and many of us have not seen each for a long long time. The love felt between us all was undeniable and reinforced what I know to be truth – that time is irrelevant when it comes to love
The timelessness of love is a beautiful thing indeed.
Absolutely Gill, it starts with ourselves, bringing responsibility and connection to ourself first.
I love the frankness of your writing, and yes it starts with self, ‘it is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others’.
Having an ideas and beliefs about what a romantic relationship or a family relationship looks like is the best way to set our selfs up to fail.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” This is pure gold. We are expressing all the time – with our movements and how we are – words not being necessary – but judgment can be felt. I need to remember this today. So very apt that I chose to read your blog just now. Thankyou.
“As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look, and as long as I keep being honest about my contribution (what I bring with my body), then I know that the quality of our relationships will keep refining and deepening.” This is beautiful Alexis. Bringing honesty and openness to all our relationships pays huge dividends.
Alexis again you have written a blog with such openness and honesty that we can all relate to. Especially when you say
“going from being one dimensional cardboard cut-outs of ourselves, to newer, fuller and truer multi-dimensional versions of ourselves.”
This is a great reflection of how most of us live and have accepted how life is. But you are showing us there is so much more to life and our relationships and we are all missing out on the fullness that life can be.
And what I am experiencing everywhere I go is that when a person is connected to their natural multidimensional ways then it really helps others who are living one dimensionally to crack the mould and to wake up to their innate never ending multi layered beingness. We are all made from the fabric of God and the fabric of God is forever re-inventing itself, not in a distracted way but in the most exquisite going deeper into itself way.
When you have the choice to live in an ever-expanding world or continue to believe the world is flat, should not even be an option, but is still chosen.
I know what you mean Alexis I have a friend who has THE most gorgeous feel and quality about her, I love to see her and just bath in the quality of her essence which is the multidimensional quality of heaven which s a constant reminder that I can be this way to it is always a choice.
So beautifully shared, one of the lovely quotes is that “And one of the wonderful things about it all is, there is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another.” This is incredible and so inspiring.
I love this quote too. Every relationship we have can deepen – if we choose.
Alexis, I love your honesty with what you are sharing here; ‘For months, my night time routine was to stand at the living room door on my way to bed and sulkily ask my partner if he was going to come to bed too. I, of course, knew full well that he wouldn’t but when he confirmed that he wasn’t, I would slouch across the carpet and kiss him goodnight reluctantly, before slouching off to bed.’ I can feel reading this how we behave in a certain way and that because we can think we are right we do not notice how unloving our behaviours truly are.
Our bodies will always tell us and others what we’re communicating, our heads will always dress it up to be something else.
‘I knew instantly that what I had been communicating to both my son and my partner was a general air of displeasure, mixed with a liberal sprinkling of judgement and scorn. So truly, what change could possibly come about from that, other than both of them getting pretty fed up with me?’ Reading this I can feel how easy it is for us to judge others rather than look at how we are and what quality we are choosing.
Rebecca you are spot on we prefer to blame others for our woes rather than to look at ourselves to check the quality we are choosing to interact with.
The deeper we can connect with self, the deeper we can connect with another. Often we seek the connection first from the outside, but this is really the distraction to keep us away from truly deepening within.
Only one domino needs to fall to knock the other ones over – amazing how one person’s choices can still affect so many others. This of course works for good things but also for the not so good things too!
It is interesting to feel how comfortable we can get in certain family situations that do not support us, and yet we are attached to the drama or situation and holding onto it by playing the game for some strange reason. I can certainly speak from experience and it takes a bit to crack these patterns! Thank you Alexis for your sharing!
Henrietta what if the patterns you speak of are so ingrained from previous lives? I have discovered it takes someone who is not in any pattern or or addictions from past lives to expose the game being played out on a worldwide scale. Because they are not invested in the game they can expose the entirety of what is playing out so that others can extract themselves from the unreality we have bought into.
This is very inspiring to read Alexis … one person can make a huge difference – because now there is three of you who have changed, each one of you will now be inspiring others and so the ripple effect continues.
Beautifully shared Paula – and this is something I see as a domino effect where one brick holds the power to affect all others.
‘In some ways it has been a slow process, but in another way it’s been quick, especially considering how profound the changes have been.’ I love this quote as a reminder and inspiration to continue to understand the falsehood of time and the truth about space and the magic that happens in it.
Love and space go hand in hand.
Thanks Michelle.
Gill realising the massive part that I was playing in how the relationships within the family were, took a lot of the pressure off me and of course everybody else because my focus switched from what everybody else was doing or not doing and turned to me and of course it was me and only me that I was able to really do anything about.
I can relate to this at home but also at work as it is so easy to get distracted by a multitude of different things. My day will be so different if I stop and bring the whole of myself into the interaction with other people.
I agree Alexandra, when I remember I try to be consciously with my body when I am with others. I’d say that I actually forget most of the time but when I do remember it feels completely different.
Gill brilliant point, its up to us to learn how we’ve been and make a change.
” The rather dead staleness that I found so suffocating in our relationships before has been replaced with an aliveness that is palpable.” I can so relate to this its what I now have as the very basic foundation to my marriage and our relationship and with that also with our kids, work and family.
And that ‘aliveness’ is where our true learning and potential is. There is nothing stale, but endless fresh opportunities to learn. What is not to love in that?
‘ The main saboteur to my connection with myself was judgement – I was steeped in the stuff.’ hummm I can relate, and also to the dropping of judgement of myself is also a huge blessing for everyone around me too.
‘The rather dead staleness…’ This feels endemic in life as a whole, this rather dead staleness. I love how you and your family have chosen to rise up out of this dead staleness, Alexis, to begin replacing it ‘with an aliveness that is palpable.’ Goes to show how even when we have fallen into the trap of accepting that the dead staleness is just the way it is, we can choose to choose again.
It is very revealing when as a family it feels uncomfortable to sit down and share a meal together, revealing in how our relationships with each other really are, it is a moment when it is kind of in our face and we cannot ignore how we have been living with each other (or of course we can choose to ignore it … which is why it is uncomfortable eating dinner together in the first place!). But as you have showed here, when willing anything can change and be healed.
“My family” – is anyone aligned to love.
Does that rule out everybody that’s not?
I love that you ask this question, Alexis, because it stopped me in my tracks.
How do we hold those who are not aligned to love? How do I hold those who are not aligned to love? As I work through and release what is keeping me separated from brotherhood, I am finding that, one person and their reflection at a time, I am healing the hurt within me that is keeping love at bay and in the process find I can lovingly allow others to simply be where they are at. As these experiences unfold it’s no surprise that there is often a correlation to various relationships I have with my birth family that are also being brought to the fore to be healed. Being able to work with and move through these relationship lessons rather than fighting or ignoring them is revealing to me the path of return to true brotherhood as long as I allow the expansion to continue unhindered.
Do I rule out the potential of all others who are not aligned to love? For me this certainly has been the case in the past where in my experience ‘love’ was aligning to those who I got on with, who had similar likes, tastes and even opinions as well as backgrounds. But the true meaning of brotherhood flips all that on its head and is asking me to not just be more, but to be the all that I already am. Not there yet, but working on it!
That’s the arrogance of us humans for you, deciding who is worthy of our love and attention. Whereas God Just loves the lot of us equally and that’s that.
Wow, Zofia. This blows the standard definition of family to pieces. I know ‘families’ who are anything but aligned to love yet still insist they are family because of blood ties. Your comment brings family into the true meaning of brotherhood where blood ties have nothing to do with the alignment of love.
In fact keeping our mouth shut can often speak volumes in itself, especially if we pay attention to the shape of the person’s lips who’s keeping their mouth (tightly?) shut.
We are all here to hold and cherish everyone else. No doubt when we do we see there’s no divide between us all.
Boom! Not until we lay our arms down can the utter truth of your words be felt and heard, Ariana. ‘No divide and no separation, only what we put in place to keep others out.’
It is so true we are all communicating constantly with our movements they can either be open to others or communicating our judgements.
Movements also convey whether we are moving in step with God or out of step with God.
Agreed Fiona and it is precisely because we are so unaware of our bodies that we are so unaware of our state of being.
Gorgeous to read the truth that is possible in families. We can all too often be masked my the roles of family before putting first the fact that love is not about being nice or controlling but about being able to deepen each other through honesty and true relationships.
‘There is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another.’ Beautifully said, the moment we think we have got ‘it’ then we have limited the love we are. I know for me this is then where complication comes in as essentially we are saying that’s enough, whilst at the same time the Universe is expanding meaning if you want to be love you to also have to and so to stay the same means the level of love essentially lessens. And it is a joy when each day you can awake to your partner with the sense and feeling that you love them more deeply today than yesterday.
Man it’s great you had your own healing of your own hurts in this process. Imagine if you didn’t. No wonder domestic violence and abuse is so rife in this world at the moment.
True Gill and from there miracles can happen.
What we currently refer to as ‘miracles’ are set to become everyday occurrences.
Thank you for your honest sharing about your family. Judgements on others will never bring true change, it makes us hard and we will hold on to what we believe needs (our need) to change. True change will come from us accepting what is there and being aware that a change comes from within. It should be always an offering. What I’ve learned in my family life when we come from judgement we are imposing on others what we miss in ourselves.
It would be great if we were all taught at school about energy and how it plays out. But failing that, just discussing the factor of judgement would be so empowering. It’s everywhere in this world and while we cannot get rid of it just like that we can see it for what it truly is.
That will be the day when schools would teach us about energy. It is something I clearly missed out on and am learning about now in my adult life. Bringing it up as a topic with others whether grownups or children gives insight in what happens in between us and provides an opening for understanding and a deeper connection.
And ultimately there will be the day when schools won’t need to teach us about energy because we are masters of it already and we will be choosing to live in a way that doesn’t interfere with our natural and innate understanding of it.
A beautiful sharing about how we can change our family lives by bringing in the quality with everything especially our movements and the effects this has is beautifull to observe and be part of and very inspiring.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” How different the world would be if we were all aware of this and then actually lived it.
We do know it, we just choose not to be consciously aware of it because if we did we’d be calling ourselves out for choosing to move against the grain of God.
So true Alexis, and there is so much that we do know but often we choose to play a game where we convince ourselves that we don’t know much at all. For example, when we don’t know who we are or who God is and we might even travel the world looking high and low and most likely getting lost along the way. The truth is we have access to a greater intelligence all along.
Everything is constantly changing especially our relationships. When we remain relating in the same way we are often not challenging each other to go deeper and we lose out at experiencing more intimacy.
I have just shared a few days with my immediate family it is something we have been doing for a few years now. Everyone looks forward to the time we will spend together, we go for long walks, go shopping and visit the local attractions in the area but most of all we enjoy each others company. We have come a long way from the bitchiness and spitefulness, jealousy, envy, comparison that got in the way of developing a true relationship with each other. We know that we all bring something different to the family get together and these qualities are to be valued and they are. I know in my heart that this deep level of sisterly love and understanding would not have been remotely possible if it wasn’t for the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine they have supported me to know myself and in that knowing I can relate to not only my family but all others in a much more loving way.
How beautiful Mary.
‘…there is no end to where we can go in our relationships with one another…’ this is so brilliant and inspiring… for every depth of openness and engagement we have with ourselves or someone else, there is the all that is still to be explored. I love it.
Connection with ourselves and the quality and way we live in our family and relationships is everything and the more we build and claim this with ourselves the more beautiful it becomes .
Agreed Tricia, the ‘connection with myself and the quality and way that I used to live’ was very much like a dried up and wizened old tree root but through the constant nourishment of self care and now self love that dried up old tree root feels like it has flourished into an abundant tree.
Being aware of what we communicate with our bodies – we register so much more than another’s words, and if their body language, the way they move, doesn’t match the words because they’re not being lived by that body, it’s easy to ignore or dismiss what’s being said.
Absolutely, we can register so much through what is communicated through our body. We can sit in a conversation and not open our mouth and people in the conversation can feel if there is judgement coming from us or an openness and acceptance.
Our body is the only part of us that registers anything.
The start of bringing a big change can often feel so slow that it is easy to give up as nothing changes but it is worth it to hang in there and keep uncovering the next steps as the more we keep going the more easy it gets.
Yes, that’s true. In the beginning it felt similar to a very old slow locomotive train that could hardly move and yet now there’s a little bit of a rhythm, a bit more of a clickety-clack of the wheels on the track and it feels like it’s slowly gaining momentum all the time.
So true and always make it about the basics and the other things come around with them.
Alexis, this is really important; ‘it is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others.’ I have found that I need to care for and love myself first in order to care for and love others and so working on my connection with myself then naturally allows for deeper, more honest connection with my family.
The awareness offered here can be applied to all sorts of situations in life. Reading this for example has been an inspiration for how I can be with those I live with, those I share a building with, those I work with. The possibilities of application of the wisdom offered is huge.
When you really stop to think about it, it is a very interesting thing to consider that you can coexist under the one roof and not really be connected to one another.
What’s more incredible is that so many people coexist under the one roof and hate the people who they live with (and I’m definitely including family in this statement).
It is not an exaggeration to say that often our time at the table is when we all are in the same place at the same time, if we do not do that as a household, we would miss out on that connection. This would have a major impact in our relationships, it is super lovely to all catch up and take time to reflect on how we are going and learn from our day.
Everything that we see, we see through the eyes of ourselves.
Love in one person promotes love in another because love will always recognises itself.
I have an amazing and deeply loving family – but I value them only as much as I value myself. When I am truly honouring myself – I can see my family for the amazing strength and love they all are.
“As long as I don’t have any set ideas”. This has been such a killer for me and can still get me. Who painted those pictures in the first place anyway – so why on earth am I being so loyal to them? It’s crazy—and deeply damaging.
It makes sense Alexis how you describe our judgement of self and others as the basis of living in separation from others. Highlighting how our own lack of self acceptance can be fighting how we actually can live harmoniously with others.
Ariana that feels very beautiful.
“My Family” – a family only in the presence of love and a loving hold, no matter the people in it.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” It is so easy for us to forget about our bodies when we communicate with another, and there is a tendency to put all the emphasis on what we express through our voice. But even the way we speak conveys so much about how we are. Our body literally does communicate everything which makes it so vital that we actaully stay connected to it all the time, so that we are fully aware of what we are communicating.
Nope but my phone feels safer than what being with my partner will potentially bring up.
I am always amazed at the changes that occur when just one person in the family initiates their own self development. Just the choice to bring in one act of love can start a domino effect that over time completely transforms the whole family dynamic. It is an awesome game to play within our selves, to see how long it takes for each transformation to have an effect.
As I relinquish control (previously excused by me for all sorts of reasons), I have to face the momentum of the way I set things up and yes it can be ugly to start with. I like what you say, Alexis, about how easy it would be to give up, but that there comes a point where the idea of living in the old patterns is way worse than a period of realisation and reconfiguration.
Yep so true Matilda, for a long time there, I felt very much stuck between a rock and hard place, in that continuing the way that we had been was simply not an option and yet trying to introduce change (in the way that I was), was also such a struggle. It would be fascinating to see how things would have panned out, had I simply presented love consistently from the beginning of wanting to instigate change. No recrimination here, just musings.
Our bodies communicate everything. There is nothing that the body does not experience, and therefore its every movement is what we have made it.
Thank you for letting us into your life Alexis. I love the honesty with which you share here and that you didn’t give up or give in. Initiating change from within you was what enabled your outer experience to change. What a great reflection of this.
Being in control and manipulation is intense and squashes any opportunity for connection. When I’m communicating from this, I’m sure my family want to run and duck for cover. I don’t blame them. Last night, after listening to a parenting teenagers podcast I got a greater understanding of what goes on for my sons in the world of gaming. It’s amazing how energy works. When I went upstairs, my son didn’t know what I had listened to but obviously he could feel a change in me. He shared with me all about a particular game he played and I got to understand so much more it was incredible. All because I dropped the judgement and was open to listen. Judgement I feel is from a lack of understanding so when I am in judgement I know there is a detail I don’t understand.
I smiled when reading this part about collecting the photos – for conversation. So many times have I entered with a solution in to a situation that I decided was broken, only to discover that all we ever needed was some space to shift and to change.
Giving another space, provides them with the freedom to move, hemming them in with judgement and conditions is like asking them to spread out in a coffin.
I have also tried unsuccessfully to instigate meals to connect when the connection has clearly been lost. The key is to have that connection within yourself first and not expect everyone else to bring it. Your exploration and willingness to let go of judgment and control are very inspiring and clearly needed. No one wants to connect if they are feeling the imposition of judgment or expectations.
We think that the changes in our life go slowly, and in a way they are as it is the body that has to adjust to the new way of living and before it can do so it has to reconfigure itself, but when we look to a lifetime, or the many lives we have lived, a change over a few years is negligible.
Nico I have discovered that we need to be gentle with ourselves as our bodies adjust to the changes we are making that sometimes they need more rest as we are unraveling many lives where we have not been living in a way that was true to our bodies so there are movements that need to be let go of and new movements to adjust to. By listening intently to our bodies we can have such a grander understanding of ourselves and where we come from.
It’s only difficult to make a change if we are trying from our mind instead of making the change within by healing our hurts. Then the changes we longed for just suddenly materialise without any effort.
We can’t change anything with our minds but we can change everything with our bodies.
One of the more poisonous ideals we get lumbered with is the idea that things between us and other people should be comfortable and easy. Tension, discomfort and awkwardness are all healthy parts of evolving ~ the true purpose of any group.
So many of us have become almost paranoid about tension arising in relationships, be that with our partners, with our friends or in our friendship circles. We avoid any kind of disturbance at all costs, fearing the effect that it might have and seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship. And I for one believed that if there was a lack of outward disturbance then this was an indication that the relationship was a good one. Wrong on every count!
It is apparent that how we are with ourselves is the foundation to how we receive life. If we are ready to judge and quick to assume and not hugely happy – then we react to others rather than embracing each other and letting love in.
It is obvious that how we are with ourselves, struggling or at ease, that this will be reflected in our appearance, our body posture but to in how we communicate and interact in relationships. We think we can have different lives, internal and external separated, but that is an illusion we cannot fulfil.
‘We think we can have different lives, internal and external separated, but that is an illusion we cannot fulfil.’ This is so beautiful, Nico. Trying to fulfil such an illusion is exactly what we have spent many, many lifetimes on and the energy we have expended trying to keep the internal and external separated one lifetime after another has left us in a depleted, dehydrated and contracted mess. The tension we experience deepens the more we try to separate the two and the more we feel the tension the more energy we expend denying it is so.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” – absolutely because it is how we are with our bodies that determine the quality of what is spoken
Hear hear Zofia! If we love and care for our body than that’s what people get… and of course if we don’t then they equally receive that, without any words spoken.
The concept of family and what it looks like are abundant, and in general the nature of an exclusive group that is called family is limiting those in that group. Family is for me very wide and includes many people whom I dearly call my family even though we have no blood or marriage relationships.
Loving and appreciating the raw, unapologetic honesty and beauty of your sharing, Alexis.
Thank you Brigette.
Very inspiring Alexis, how you chose to look at your own way of being in order to bring change within your family, and not to lay the blame on the those around you as the reason why you all felt uncomfortable in each others company when there were no other distractions.
I feel a bit like a one-dimensional cardboard cut out of myself lately so this is inspiring me to look at why, as the alternate to stay like this would be unbearable in the long run.
A beautiful sharing of the love we are and want to live and the depth and quality of this that can be in all our relationships with our movements saying everything and offering the reflection needed at the time .
Yes, we can never underestimate a choice that supports us no matter how small we think it is. It is the building of every loving choice that counts and that every loving choice is to be greatly appreciated before we move on to the next.
The concept of things either being ‘big or small’ is often incredibly misleading, especially when we go in search of so called ‘bigger things’ and brush over things that we consider to be ‘small and insignificant’.
I know that feeling of what’s the point creeping in yet I cannot give up on myself no matter who they are or what they are doing. It is living in a way that is constantly offering; no judgement, no imposing, no control but holding myself in the love that I am.
Beliefs can keep us trapped and going round in cycles, and hide us from truth.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” Love this blog, thank you Alexis for setting out so simply and beautifully how easily we can let go off that amazing and super-wise body communication, with ideals and pictures of how things should look or be.
I love your honesty and the description of your evening routine I can totally imagine. It isn’t until we see our own contribution that we can truly start to make changes. And I agree the body is key as we can communicate one thing with our voice and a whole other thing with our bodies. We can say we say all the right things and it is the other persons fault that it does not work but we need to be honest with ourselves in what we are truly saying. Of course never saying yes to abuse but just seeing our own contribution.
What’s interesting is that although we can say one thing with our words, we can also communicate something completely different with the tone of our voice. I used to use a hushed tone to cover up the fact that I was really irritated. The ironic thing is, my hushed tone was the give away to the irritation that was breaking out underneath it.
When we are caught up in images of how has it to be, we are oblivious of what our body communicates and in reaction to the others´reactions to our own reactions. It is the perfect set up.
It is the perfect set up, Eduardo. Reacting to the reaction of those we are in reaction to. So convoluted and complicated that it keeps us in reaction and conveniently oblivious to how convoluted and complicated we have made and continue to allow life to be and that it is us and only us who have perfected the art of deceiving ourselves.
‘Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive!’
Sir Walter Scott
It is in my beliefs that I can lose myself horribly, convolutedly wandering around in judgment, justification of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and stubbornness. Being open to what life presents and what we can learn in every situation removes the confines of beliefs.
If we simply, quietly and responsibly take note of what we communicate with our bodies a whole lot of struggle, lectures, nagging and/or judgement become irrelevant and exposed for the irresponsible attempts to control without living by example that they are.
‘If, for example, I was about to bowl into my son’s room and interrogate him about what he was watching, then when possible, I stopped myself. When I felt myself ‘too busy’ to stop properly and greet my partner when he came in from work then again, to the best of my ability, I would stop what I was doing and be present with him. When I felt the next thing on my to-do list pulling me away from lingering on my son’s bed, I would resist the urge to jump up and instead commit to a few minutes more of gentle touch. And although my body could not always be convincing in what I wanted to communicate, this stage was a very necessary one.’
Love the examples that you use here Alexis, I too can relate to frequently allowing myself to react to situations or avoid intimacy by allowing my to do list to be greater than me….!
Serge Benhayon has supported me to understand some fundamental gems; the importance of breathing my own breath and observing situations rather than reacting to them.
We need to start with very simple steps of connecting with each other when it comes to relationships to be able to break through the behavioural patterns we hold as it is so easy to stay trapped in our everyday routines, must dos and beliefs.
I am finding this; “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” I have been aware that I can be open and warm and loving with my body and my movements or I can be cold and closed with my body movements and this either creates a loving, open, friendly space or a barrier and brick wall.
It is very common for people to joke or complain that ‘they could not choose their family’ and it is common for people to struggle to deal with the issues that arise in families and the tensions in relationships so this is where it is important to be open to all support that may come from other places and other people outside of the traditional family unit and see all of human beings as one human family.
Recently when looking at how others are around me in a work situation i have found that the answer lies in how I am with myself and then with them. Just as is expressed here, it is all about how we live first and therefore what we offer others.
Thank you Alexis for such an honesty and transparency. I am inspired to feel the pockets of staleness in my relationships with people too and bring me more of me for this is what changes things rather than the things I produce.
Great point Jenny, where are we having areas that we allow that are not vital and alive? It’s great to be open to be willing to say we want each relationship to be its potential.
What if we could get to the point that every relationship had the potential to lead us back to God?
I find that the family time around the table is significant everyday, we make space for understanding that it is a vital time for connection, having conversations that challenge and enrich us, it can at times, bring some curve balls, but that happens and it offers us all a question concerning the quality we are choosing to live in at that moment.
Yes, absolutely, profoundly written, this quote shakes us out of the illusion that we have placed ourselves in “But that is the dark side of all beliefs – they blind us from the truth.”, we constantly fool ourselves that what we think is normal is the way things are without questioning it. This quote puts a big stop to this follow and asks us to consider another way. Thank you.
Samantha reading what I have written, namely ‘the dark side of all beliefs’ makes me realise that by writing this, I have implied that there is a lighter side to beliefs, but is there, when the whole purpose of a belief is to throw us off the scent of truth?
Beliefs do blind us as do all the ways that stem from beliefs, like judgments and expectations.
We choose to be blinded, it suits our irresponsibility nicely.
Well functioning looks good on the surface but underneath is cold, empty and lifeless and we all know this.
It is so true Andrew our relationships might look all good on the surface but if the quality of connection is not there then there is no true lasting substance or foundation.
I know for me (partly due to my own upbringing) there has often been a strong belief that a good family was one that did not fight or were always nice and polite with each other. Gradually I have been realising that this is not true and that nice and polite can get very suffocating if it is not based on love. Sometimes things have to get messy or a bit ugly and provided that there is a general decency and respect (without perfection) a lot can be learned through honestly exploring and learning things together and not just settling for the looks good on the surface well functioning family.
Andrew I too grew up with the same belief that if a family or a couple didn’t argue then that meant that they were harmonious, but this is far from the truth.
‘Nice and polite’ can never be based on love.
Nice and polite is like stabbing someone in the back and then asking why they are bleeding.
‘The ‘root causes’ of the games that we play’ may in some ways appear buried but the effect that they have on our lives and the lives of others is quite literally catastrophic.
A single ‘derailing’ or stabbing comment at someone can have a huge impact on the relationship, but it’s how we act, behave and are towards each other that speaks volumes and has a much greater impact on the relationships.
We cannot make our children do what we want them to do, they are beings in their own right. All we can do when they are small is protect them from harm and help them learn how to protect themselves from harm and at the same time inspire them to be fully who they are. This is also true for all our adult relationships, that we can encourage everybody to be all of who they are.
I don’t even think that we can truly protect our children from harm. Sure on a very practical level, we can make sure that most of the time they are safe but can we guarantee that they won’t be harmed, no we can’t. And that harm may come in the form of a comment from a teacher or an experience in the playground or it might come in the form of sexual abuse by a trusted babysitter.
From humble beginnings, you relight the fire within… and its a great case study because it shows that as we start out it may not necessarily be pretty or easy, that there is a momentum particularly within ourselves as we are about to head off into our busy ness. We have to consciously say no to one way of living to be able to consistently choose the other.
What a revelation that love is not what we do but how we move.
Brilliantly said Adele.
When we make the effort to rekindle our inner love, then those nearest us cannot help but respond to our newly found light heartedness, proving that love can conquer all when we choose restore it to its true position in our lives, within and around us in all we do.
It is natural to want our family members to be a certain way but that makes life harder for them and for us.
Our relationship to anyone can be honest and open, and this exemplifies family and can inspire others no matter whether you are blood related to someone or not.
Family conversation is valuable especially as it is through our relationships that we can evolve.
When I was a child fortunately my parents had a rule to sit together to eat our meals at the table without any TV or phones etc and I am grateful for this as I am sure it brought us closer together as a family and allowed us to talk and communicate more as a family.
‘An aliveness that starts with each of us, and one that we then bring into our relationships with all others.’ as we make such changes for ourselves others will have a choice whether to respond or not but in doing so we are able to change our way of life for not just one person but for more.
Family can be extended to include any group of people we relate to. For example, many people live and work with elder clients in their homes (as I do) and much of what you share can be applied to these relationships. We have to be aware of how we live together and the quality we bring to each other. I am very conscious we communicate far more with our bodies and movements than words.
It’s an irony so many households support and devote hours and money to follow sports teams, but do not relate the qualities and values of building an exceptional team to family life. Where the purpose is not competing against other families, but looking within, exploring how to become more honest, open with each other and where each member contributes equally to benefit the whole.
A rare and honest sharing about family life. You show how it really feels to be in a family that jogs along (in some cases wars along) rather than communicates and relates to each other. Few know that family is a hub, a team, with huge potential for growth, but we dumb it down reduce it to a collection of individuals sharing the same space, but not sharing themselves with each other. An opportunity presents itself each day for the group as a whole to take responsibility for the quality of family life, but missed by most of us.
“As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look” WOW – that is a super hard thing to do and full respect to anyone who takes this on. Social Media, gossip, media and our insatiable penchant for comparison, jealousy and competition all make this a torrid and emotive landscape. Like you I have been working on this and am no-way-near there. In fact, no sooner do you think you’ve cleared out one cupboard full of ideals and beliefs that I notice a dusty un-opened door to another load!! But, that said, it’s a joyful and very inspiring path to be on and without question the path toward true family.
There are a lot of ideals and beliefs but their number is finite and eventually they will all have been dealt with.
I don’t feel that ideals and beliefs are finite, I actually feel that they are constantly being manufactured and hence infinite in number but that doesn’t overwhelm me because I know that all beliefs are false, therefore by knowing that, I am able to pull the plug on so many of them. The problem however is that built into all beliefs is the single belief that that particular belief is true and that is the problem, at least for me anyway, because I am still blinded by that built in clause.
And rather keep clearing out those cupboards than to settle for any one version that is anything less… once you settle you are committing to a lifetime at that level, and who wants anything but the best, the most real, and the most connected with these people who are going to be a de facto part of our lives for the whole of this life?
It’s true that simply through our movements and body language that we can create an air of tension or judgement, without even saying anything!
Yes we all know when a household feels harmonious and unified together or in disharmony and tension. I find in my house the best thing to do is be honest about any tension or disharmony and to discuss it as it supports to clear the air so to speak.
‘As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look, and as long as I keep being honest about my contribution (what I bring with my body), then I know that the quality of our relationships will keep refining and deepening.” this is beautiful and a great foundation for any relationship we have.
Being in each other’s company with no TV or Facebook can be a challenge, but if conversation is challenging then a companionable silence that feels harmonious should be ok. The only problem is, it might be comfortable, but it is not evolving – we only evolve through our relationships.
I was drawn to these words
“But that is the dark side of all beliefs – they blind us from the truth.”
And they keep us locked away in a prison of our own making. I know that taking on ideals and beliefs from others and accepting them as my own has been the making of my own prison. I never understood until I met Serge Benhayon and his family that actually I could say no to them.
Clearly doesn’t work to delegate responsibility to change to others, while we refuse to do the same. What arrogance.
When people moan about problem relationships, family, work, community, the focus is always on what someone else is doing wrong, never on self. Sometimes it supports to ask ‘Have you considered how you may have contributed to what is happening?’ As you show Alexis, until we see ourselves as part of the problem, we cannot begin to heal relationships.
When people moan about problem relationships, family, work, community, the focus is always on what someone else is doing wrong, never on self. Sometimes it supports to ask ‘Have you considered how you may have contributed to what is happening?’ As you show Alexis, until we see ourselves as part of the problem, we cannot begin to heal relationships.
I love your honesty here, Alexis – ‘Manipulation and control rode on the back of judgement’. Being so willing to see the games we play is surely the first step to true and lasting change.
I certainly agree with you Alexis that to change any relationship with another is to be honest about what is being reflected. So “What I have come to feel is that change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change, but only when the change is an offering and never when it is enforced on another.” The change I offer another is through the reflection I offer.
“My family” had also expanded to include friends/work colleagues and even people that I only see once every few years. This expansion opens up a new understanding of what family is and its importance in our lives.
An amazingly relatable sharing about family life, the day-to-day function that so many have settled for and the underlying connection they crave.
As parents we are so often looking to solve or fix others, what i love about your sharing is that it makes total sense that first we must take responsibility for our own stuff before we can be truly be heard and seen.
“…but now I can see that he was reacting to how uncomfortable it was for us to all share a meal together, without the distraction of either the telly or the computer” – yes the distraction of a TV or radio can keep at bay any awkwardness felt from there not being presence of true connection within.
It can be very uncomfortable to feel how much we can be communicating with our body the opposite of what we are saying and thinking. I have been going through this recently and it astounded me how judgemental I was and keeping people out by way of how I held my body even though in my head I thought I wasn’t doing anything like that. Being open to being exposed is a great thing to learn though and it supports us to let go of behaviours we never thought we had and were able to let go of.
Before we expect another to see our point, have we stood in their perspective and seen theirs? How are we to expect anyone to agree/understand/see/meet us for who we are if we haven’t done the same to them? Even if we cannot agree with another, have we taken the space to understand their choices? Love is never passive, it never waits around for anyone.
Yes indeed, ideals around family can imprison us in resentment if the reality does not fit the picture.
There’s always going to be someone who appears shinier than us.
It’s very empowering to realise that the changes we wish to see around us all start with changes in our own choices and way of life.
I like how you claim how fast the changes have been….make the choice, get out of the way, and the love and support is already there.
There are few brighter, bigger mirrors than our families. There to reflect that which we oft do not want to see.
I agree, Otto, family members do tend to reflect exactly what it is we need to address within ourselves, sometimes the painful way in my experience, but so long as there is an openness to learning the opportunities are golden.
We choose our parents and family for a reason and our purpose is to reveal to ourselves all the opportunities we’re given to learn and truly heal.
So true Jane but family life for so many has become a constant pool of reaction. Literally having at least one family member in reaction to another at any given time. This way of being in families has become so incredibly natural to us that there is often a level of discomfort that arises if the tension drops for a moment.
To understand and feel what true family offers us is transformative.. We begin to appreciate and work with, rather than against the flow.
Yes I agree all our relationships with people support us to grow by drawing out the things that we need to look at in our own lives.
Relationships also reflect the qualities in us that are there to be appreciated.
‘I didn’t even need to open my mouth for others to feel the scorn of my judgement: it seeped from my pores.’ Taking a step back and really feeling what it is we are ‘putting out there’ is the first step to making change happen.
By entertaining the dark side of beliefs, are dragged ourselves back into the caves we have spent millenniums escaping from?
Exactly. Each relationship is an opportunity to be love and or to receive love.
Open the valve to let love in and in doing so the same valve that lets love out is also opened.
There is one vital ingredient for ‘family’ and that is love. Everything else is negotiable or adjustable.
Absolutely learning to move with integrity and truth in our body is what empowers another. The expression through our movement is so much more powerful than just our words.
If our bodies are empty, then so too will our words be.
This is beautiful what you share, the change starts with self and it is that, that allows others to feel through the reflection of our movements in our body. My relationships with my family has changed too and it is amazing to be in this space now.
Thank you for sharing so openly what must have been a painful period for you, Alexis, for by doing so you are is an inspiration and show that things can change when we are truthful and honest.
Beliefs blind us from the truth, they give us tunnel vision that only let us see that which proves the belief right.
Alexis, you bring a deeper understanding and awareness as to how the quality in every movement we make affects everything – the harmonious changes in your relationships are a beautiful testimony to this.
I love that I have a family all over the world from all walks of life that are super supportive of what i’m doing with my life.
A beautiful sharing and so inspiring of the changes we can make and the true family relationships we would like but something is missing and the finding that with ourselves and bringing that to others by our movements makes so much sense and is so rewarding for all concerned. Amazing to feel the love and harmony that is possible and the turnaround you offer .Inspirational.
Yes, Alexis, any pictures we have about what family life should be like imprison us, creating dynamics and tension instead of an openness to unfolding and evolving together.
Yes any pictures is control and capping for ourselves and others. However when we just allow and be in our movements, there is so much more magic that takes place.
I have only recently begun to experience this but have felt the power in silence and allowing another to say what they have to say and then let them feel for themselves more of the truth of what they have said through just allowing them space to do so. I can feel this from the space I allow in my own body.
Beautiful Michael when we hold the space for ourselves and another, they can feel their own movements and in that feel what is true on not, this is empowering another to connect to their own truth.
Agreed Fiona the power we have in this is incredible, and simple if we are willing to deal with all that being responsible brings up for us.
I have seen many people give up and settle for a life that is unfulfilling and without love, and it makes me wonder sometimes what the pay off is in this…is it a comfortable life? Thank you, Alexis, for illustrating that any family dynamic can be turned around when there is a commitment to love.
Janet I too see so many people who have given up and settled for life that has no true foundation of love. So it is my responsibility to reflect to those that I can that there is a different way by understanding The Ageless Wisdom and The Liviningness that you can build a true family life with immense love.
Difficult to see sometimes that choosing to blame or judge others comes from a body that is not love.
So true it is a warning sign that if there is any sign of judgement to another, that we need to really check where are we at with our body and love. In a body that is building true love there is no space for judgement for self or another.
Leave the body out and so too do we leave truth out.
We’re always either communicating with our bodies that we’re moving with God or against Him and that’s a fact.
This is beautiful Alexis – communication from God being reflected through our body for all to feel their divine origins..
‘we’re moving with God or against Him’
As I read this and the changes you’ve made as a family I started to feel how your doing this provides the platform for other families and people who live together to come together and be with one another without the checkout that is usual at the dinner table. Loving choices don’t add to the pool of unloving energy that we often swim in each day. I don’t yet embrace the fact that each choice matters.
You sharing Alexis is a wonderful beautiful example of the fact that no matter where our relationships are at both with ourselves and with others, the potential is always there to deepen and truly heal and change them for the better.
It is amazing how we can want change, and yet the very way we move and interact in a family is holding that change back
Not only ‘holding that change back’ but actually playing a major role in creating the very situation that the person is wanting to change.
We often want change but unaware that the source of the change we seek in others lies within ourselves.
Beautiful, and so simple and so true. The change we seek in others is the change that we need to be working on first and only with that true foundation can we reflect to another to feel that change for them to choose for themselves, with the power of reflection.
Communication can get more and more difficult once it has broken down, conversations are avoided and there are awkward silences or people dive into their social media and communicate with everyone except the person who is sitting or standing right beside them.
It is so easy to go into reaction and blame people for a pattern that is not working. Yet again and again I witness and hear of the powerful outcome when someone chooses to observe the situation, deepen their awareness of their own part as well as the understanding of the other people, and to focus on personally living the greatest level of love possible.
Love and harmony is the innate essence of everyone and this is what we are always pulled to. So it takes just one person’s consistency for others, in their own time, to also unfold their own expression of it.
The moment I create pictures of how I expect things are going to be I am almost guaranteed disappointment. How can anything live up to the ideals and unachievable pictures we create, so why is it that we keep creating them?
Pictures can also be incredibly limiting, as life by its very nature is the unlimited potential of continual expansion.
I was recently reading in a Tanya Curtis’ book ‘Body Life Skills’ that we can’t ever change another’s person’s behaviour, but only ours. We can just reflect back our own living choices and this may become an inspiration or an invitiation for others to make their new choices at their own time. This makes sense with what you share here Alexis, as only from a space absent of judgement or pressure, any true change is possible.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.”
Serge Benhayon often comments upon the fact that ‘The body is the marker of truth’ – a fact you clearly reflect in this blog Alexis, Any emotion held within is communicated from the body in how we move or hold ourselves. This is sensed by the radar of others, thus we set up reactions in others, rather than response and connection with them.
I have experienced a deepening in my relationship since I have stopped passing judgements according to what I felt everyone else was ‘not contributing’ and this has allowed more space for the natural unfolding of more honesty in our relationships and so much more love. Not an easy time but heart-warming.
Family is a huge preciousness in life to show me many things about myself. I’d like to document all the rawness, beauty, vulnerabilities and Amazingness we all go through thank you for inspiring me.
Brilliant Elizabeth, this means when we are open to supporting our own evolution we naturally support our immediate family and our global family’s evolution and I love this because it means we are all so deeply connected.
We seem to live such busy lives and on top of that we have many distractions and excuses to not connect. I find meal times is a great opportunity to connect as a family and technology is definitely not part of the menu as it takes away our ability to truly connect.
‘The buck stops here’ it is said and that couldn’t be truer in this case. When we slouch, crouch and nag, nobody gets inspired to make the changes that are needed to live life differently, to live the life they also want but might have given up on.
The deeper we connect to ourselves the deeper place we have to connect to another.
The deeper we connect to ourselves the deeper place we have to connect to another
Healing our hurts is one of the most important things to do for the evolution of ourselves, our smaller, wider and global family.
Yes indeed, Fiona, it is never too late to bring change in a relationship, by being responsible for expressing more of our true selves and opening up more to let love in.
Janet, not only is it ‘ never too late to bring change in a relationship’ but ultimately what each and every one of us has to do, is to bring such change into every single relationship that we are in, in order for us to return to being the constant terminals of love that we are.
Yes, Alexis, I like what you say here about being constant terminals of love…why do we accept ourselves as being anything less than this, when it is our true nature?
It’ so true, Alexis, that many of us have lived a version of life that ticks all the boxes and fits the ideals we have been fed from young. But I know for myself that it was only when I came across the Universal Medicine teachings that I started to question the quality and purpose of my life, which opened my eyes and my heart to joy and fulfillment beyond words.
We would always sit down as a family of four for supper (sometimes just three as my dad often worked late) – my mum would ask my brother and I three good things that happened that day. It was a great opportunity to debrief on the day, but moreover to teach us to express how we felt. It’s a simple thing I’m grateful for and a lovely tradition at the table.
Same here Nick, I have a family of four too and when we are all at home, every meal we sit together and we often share about our day. Sometimes we have great conversations and sometimes we sit quietly and enjoy our meal without any distractions.
Nick, that’s so lovely that you remember that time with your family so clearly, that time to connect. We also would always sit down together to eat and talk, the television would be off and we would be together.
It seems so much easier to blame others as to why our relationships are not working and not so easy to look at what we are doing, not doing or bringing to them. But from experience I know when we start to do this it is actually very rewarding and is the only way to start to truly change them. Love your blog and your honesty.
It’s great to recognise that how we hold ourselves in the home can have a profound impact on the people we live with, and often when we think there is a problem in the relationship with someone else, it actually comes down to how we’ve been living and approaching them.
When we’ve had a history of sitting on the couch watching the TV while we eat, it takes some getting out on. It’s the ultimate way to tune out to the world and those around you. It becomes the downtime we’ve craved all day and is a very seductive escape, no different than any other addiction.
Anything we resort to that takes us away from ourselves is an addiction, no matter how seemingly ‘harmless’ or ‘normal’.
It’s interesting Alexis that when we start having meaningful conversations around a family dinner table how the quality of talk extends out beyond the dinner table into life in general. And of course, those such conversations can only really occur when we start having them [having a meaning] with ourselves and about ourselves first.
I love your honesty here; ‘ I knew instantly that what I had been communicating to both my son and my partner was a general air of displeasure, mixed with a liberal sprinkling of judgement and scorn.’ I can feel I can go into judgment and how harmful and separative this is for my relationships.
‘Manipulation and control rode on the back of judgement to produce a nasty combination that ensured that ‘quality’ was nowhere to be seen.’ I recognise this from how I have lived and still am aware of where these tendencies come in but conversely totally appreciate the feeling of understanding and surrender which comes from acceptance and allowing space to acknowledge everything I feel.
I just love the honesty and realness with which you write Alexis, it is so inspiring to me to just be real, say it like it is, accept that mistakes can and do happen and that with choosing to be honest with ourselves true change can happen, not from control but from a deepening love for ourselves and then others.
Thank you Jill and if I continue with that honesty then I would say that I don’t see the ways that I have been behaving as mistakes as such, I simply see them as opportunities to re-imprint old ways of being, with new ways of being. I try not to go into self-recrimination as that, I know, is simply another flavour of the very behaviours that I am attempting to re-imprint.
It is inspiring, Alexis, to feel the joy in embracing your family wholeheartedly, knowing that there is no end to the depths of love in relationship.
I have noticed that sometimes the unfamiliar is what has me being the open most as I do not have a set of expectations to it which is often hard to break through in familiar and well trodden relationships. But it is the honesty as you say that has me open up, because the clearer I am with what I feel the easier it becomes to express it and come away from the many manipulative and meandering ways.
It’s more and more common for families to eat separately and/or in front of the TV but as you’ve shared dinner can be an amazing opportunity to catch up, learn more about each other, support and discuss family matters, when work and school permits everyone to come together at the same time.
When I was growing up in the 60s, meals were one of three refuelling times, and I do not remember any real conversations taking place. In the sixties we had a new family member join us a for all meals, the small B/W TV that always presented the news. Today we all have a portable device that is always with us to connect us to the world and viewed with food, to the point where today it is conveniently provided in portions that can be eaten with one hand!
“What I have come to feel is that change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change…” – agree, it provides inspiration and the opportunity to metaphorically and also literally, breathe differently. When we breathe differently, we live differently.
Change the way that we breathe, change the life that we lead.
This brilliant article, brings up questions for me about what it is that we are in relationships with when in our relationships we are not fully expressing our love for ourselves and each other.
It is great to see a family bucking the trend of what is happening in many families, I have seen families on many occasions out to dinner at restaurants and the kids will be on their phones at the table and there is no connection between any of them. They say many things start in the home so if we are not connected at home how can we then expect to connect with people in the world?
I know exactly what you mean Kevin. Sometimes it seems we have lost the ability to connect to each other. This example is just gold, as it demonstrates the power we all have to turn these situations around and restore genuine connection by taking responsibility for our own part in it all.
We believe in seclusion and hidden agendas when the whole time we actually live life with no blinds, or covers. Everyone can feel it all. How absurd that we struggle to hide what is there in plain sight for us all to see.
Bingo ?
What is so sad Alexis is that your situation is not unique, so many people in this world can identify with how you used to live as family, self included. You share such nuggets of wisdom in the way you took a long honest look at your self and began to make the changes on an inner level. There is nothing more powerful at turning a situation around than becoming a living example of the change we want in our lives.
Whenever I have been wanting a change but uncertain how to go about it, unsure if it is worth the effort or resigned to the limitation I am in, there is nothing more potently powerful, inspiring and encouraging than witnessing another already walking it.
Our movements speak louder than words.
What a turnaround, Alexis! It would have been so easy to resign yourself to a functional but unfulfilling family life, but by committing to yourself and to your family members, it feels like there is a whole lot more love and togetherness as a result. And it sounds like this is continuing to deepen… thanks for sharing.
This article should become the new handbook for parents. I am sure most women as parents, especially with teens could relate to the scenario that was shared. The disconnection in most families, even the ones that appear to ‘work’ has become huge. This is a completely different way to deal with it, by looking at and changing yourself, dropping judgment and beliefs. Everything in the universe interrelates, so it makes sense that if one person, the others will adjust too.
Such a huge inspiration for us to look at our own actions first. If we can understand the importance of taking responsibility then it allows for others to get a loving reflection no matter what their choices.
The moment we measure our love and openness towards each other we are holding us back and only live a version of our fullness. Everyone deserves our love, no matter if we are blood related or not. In fact, we deserve our own love expressed towards us every day and every moment.
There is such a beauty when a relationship steps in its true potential. It feels like your family life turned from being grey into colourful.
What I love about this blog that it is applicable to any relationship, because the same principles apply to work and colleagues, where there is often no connection at all although we are in the same space.
It’s so obvious when someone starts a conversation which is actually an interrogation, and often our immediate response on the receiving end of this is to put up a brick wall. When we observe a family member or friend behaving in a way where they don’t seem like themselves, it’s crucial that we approach them openly and not with judgement or as an interrogation, because that doesn’t support them at all.
What am I communicating with my body? Great question. We often refer to what we say, but to be honest about our contribution as a whole e.g. what we bring with our bodies requires a deeper level of honesty. It makes me realize that how I move before I even meet up with someone matters. In fact all my movements matter!
This is such a beautiful example of how if we change ourselves we change the world around us.
Demanding others to be a certain way is irresponsible and pure comfort. Live what you want them to live – offer them a choice. Then true change can occure.
Agreed Elizabeth, that is true world change, and it is the difference each of us make that we should deeply appreciate.
Thank you Alexis, can I suggest writing a book? Your style of expression is so engaging and covers in a real way everything in life we all want to sort through, I’ve read a few of your blogs now and I would love the opportunity to read for longer about your life experiences. In this blog I could relate to much of what you shared and understanding how we don’t always have the most loving tools to instigate change (disapproval, sulking, etc), by beginning with ourselves and what we bring to the equation (as you say the greater honesty of what’s communicated with our body) we can actually offer change by healing ourselves first.
Melinda, thanks for your encouragement, it really is appreciated.
Looking around at many families that I have had contact with over the years, and hearing about all the busy-ness of their lives and the activities that seem to take them in lots of separate directions it is so obvious that, although they consider themselves to be a family, they are actually living like “separate human beings, albeit under the same small roof”. In some cases, I used to wonder if they ever got to spend any time with each other at all. This way of living is definitely not how I would ever want to live, especially now that I understand what true family is.
We have to be careful not to mistake the length of time that we spend together as quality. I can clearly remember spending weeks together on family holidays and yet we all simply took our isolated ways of being together to another country.
Having expectations of how others should behave is a recipe for resentment and control. Thank you, Alexis, for highlighting that we have to look at ourselves first before blaming others.
It is so isolating when we cling to e.g. the illusion of having a close and loving family. Facing the reality of a situation is uncomfortable but allows for the possibility of change often in ways that are unexpected.
We have so many pictures of how a family ‘should’ look and as we work tirelessly to live up to these beliefs we have the perfect excuse to avoid deepening in connection with one another.
Dysfunction, lack of communication and checking out on our devices seems to be the norm for family life these days. Trying to force solutions and apply rules clearly doesn’t work, but what is so inspirational is that by one person choosing something different for themselves, for example greater self-connection, letting go of frustrations and control the whole family dynamic can shift.
Dinner table conversation is so much more enjoyable and interesting when it’s useful or has a purpose to what’s being shared and where everyone’s connected, engaged and participative.
I love this; ‘As long as I don’t have any set ideas about how our family should look, and as long as I keep being honest about my contribution (what I bring with my body), then I know that the quality of our relationships will keep refining and deepening.’ I have observed that with my body I can be closed and cold or I can choose to be open and warm with my family and it feels beautiful to be warm and open and to allow the time and space to connect and be playful.
Alexis, this is really interesting and helpful to read and makes me realise that holding others in love and understanding, rather than in judgement, is what allows for change and evolution; ‘; I knew instantly that what I had been communicating to both my son and my partner was a general air of displeasure, mixed with a liberal sprinkling of judgement and scorn. So truly, what change could possibly come about from that, other than both of them getting pretty fed up with me?’
As is often the case this was the perfect article for me to come across and read this morning, the ‘outing’ of judgement and the very practical ways to bring a depth and quality back to the way we communicate with our bodies. Thank you, Alexis.
Interestingly Gill, I think I’ve done it in reverse. I’ve allowed myself to get more intimate in my relationships outside of my family and now I am bringing that intimacy into my family relationships.
Of course sharing a meal together in a checked out state is not something we like and possibly therefore can end up in argumentering or nowadays in everybody checking his mobile phone. That is the truth we all one day have to come to and understand that sharing a meal together gives the opportunity to deepen our relationships with one another instead and that then also the food we eat will be of a complete different quality for our bodies.
Without connecting to oneself first we end up in exploring all the tricks we have learned like manipulation or bullying that at times has helped us to feel justified in our disturbed feelings.
What are we communicating with our body? – This really hits me. So true. How I live and what I live is what gets communicated far greater than the words I speak. And the phoniness I sometimes feel is the discrepancies in those two. Whatever I say I want to see, has to be lived within me first.
From when we are born we feel and sense everything so naturally. But I must say when it comes to teenagers they are all over exposing fake and phonie gestures and can smell neediness a mile away.
‘ “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” ‘ I love what you’ve written, very relatable and honest. I can see how I can be with people especially with my partner and how this plays out in our relationship. It’s been so easy to blame another for what I’m actually putting out. All my life I’ve tried to change people to take advice that may have been spot on but because I wasn’t living it myself, I wasn’t actually communicating it – all I was communicating was frustration, judgement and anger towards them – no wonder they recoiled from me! It was so important they ‘got it’ because I couldn’t bare their reflection because I too wasn’t getting it.
This is great to realise and now I often don’t say a thing because I know I’m not living it and am not communicating what it is with a lived authority. I may say I too find it hard and haven’t quite managed to deal with whatever it is which can open up a honest conversation about what is getting in the way which can be very revealing and also builds relationships rather than breaks them.
Karin, I too have started to communicate to others the things that I am struggling with. For example I have started to say to my son, when I am frustrated, that that is how I am feeling and that despite my attempts to work on my frustration, at that particular point in time, I’m having no luck. What I have found is that what he then shares with me, is often from such a real and honest place himself, that this alone is enough to shift my frustration and as you say, deepen our relationship with one another.
Some more tools to add to my toolbox, Alexis. Much appreciated.
It is very different to have a sharing with someone than a-know-it-all-but-not-lived telling!
‘…now I often don’t say a thing because I know I’m not living it and am not communicating what it is with a lived authority.’ Talk about a lightbulb moment, Karin! Since learning the importance of expression I have often berated myself for not expressing in the moment, wondering what it is that is holding me back from doing so. Although I recognise that this is not so in every instance, I now have a much better understanding of why there are times I don’t express what I am feeling; that I would not be expressing from a lived authority but rather a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do opinionated judgement. So what I am feeling I can take away from this lightbulb moment is that in those moments when I don’t express what I am feeling it is an opportunity for me to feel into why I am not living what I have just observed. ‘….I couldn’t bear their reflection because I too wasn’t getting it.’ Thank you.
What is so refreshing about this blog is the lack of drama. It is a re-telling of a difficult and challenging time, raw and honest and uncomfortable at times, but not drama. It shows people that we can make a change, it can be hard work but it does not have to be a big drama.
You’re spot on Sarah, the steps were and continue to be very practical and almost methodical. Each step being single choices in any given moment, with no reprimanding myself if I am unable to choose to step forwards at any particular point in time.
Thank you Alexis for your willingness to share honesty about the before and after of your family life and I love how you present change as an offering rather than an imposition and how that allowed for your relationships to blossom and grow.
Your description of how you used to ask your partner if he was coming to bed makes me laugh and cringe at the same time, having done that myself and got the T-shirt. All the esoteric healing sessions I have received have enabled me to heal my addiction to sulking, thank God. What a terrible way to behave towards others and what a drain on our own energy levels. Thank you for sharing Alexis, awesome confirmation of the power of these incredible modalities.
Me too Rowena and the arrogance and judgement that fuelled my sulking was deeply harming for all exposed to it.
Martyrdom is another one right up there with sulking!
You want the world and the people around you to be different, you need to live what you want others to be like. There is no other way. Through reflection and inspiration of truth we grow together into true joy with each other as humanity.
Sure Stefanie, I do recognise that very well, only by living the change you like to see in others you can bring that possibility for other people to change as otherwise it would be imposing and that is not what you want but too will never work.
That says it in full, it is us that need to change we can only look at our part. It’s all well and good not liking what we see in the world but if we aren’t willing to change how we are then what is going to be reflected back won’t change either.
Exactly Fiona, life is a living mirror.
The moment we allow truth to unfold we realise bit by bit what illusions took place. That´s why the individual truth and its deepening is an ever unfolding and developing process. It is like opening up of the blinkers bit by bit.
and we shall ‘open up the blinkers bit by bit’ until we are quite literally blinded by the light of truth.
How common is it to want change and then demand it from others, verbally or non verbally, without actually changing our own quality first? True change can be inspired by our movements, the quality in which we ourselves live. Yet if we demand we will most likely put the other off for a very long time.
Alexis, I love how the insight came that your son was not ‘just being difficult’ but was actually reacting to the tension of the situation. How often do children’s honest reactions to a situation get brushed aside as ‘being difficult’ when in fact it is a very big sign on the wall that something is going on that they may not be capable of communicating themselves.
Yes so often children are blamed and become the focus of the ‘problem’ when they are simply reflecting the family dynamics.
Alexis, what you say about all craving true relationships is so very true and so how valuable is it when we share from our own experience how we can make changes that bring us deeply loving, harmonious and evolutionary relationships so others can be inspired and see that it is indeed very possible..
When we stop the judgement and criticism to be with ourselves and allow others to be themselves we offer love and it is through the quality of our movements from our body that others choose to change and not by an expression of force. No matter what we say, it is our body language that says it all.
Manipulation and control are a deadly combo, particularly in relationships where these can become major tools of abuse.
I have been a master of manipulation and a connoisseur of control my whole life and I can vouch for the fact that although I appeared to be a very happy person, it’s actually a very restricted and trussed up way to live.
All beliefs are a perfect way to stop us from actually truly loving each other, where we just hold another in love without any impositions from our side. The truth is so much more than any need that is fulfilled.
Can a need ever truly be fulfilled?
We think it can and that we will be complete when the need is fulfilled but in truth a need can never be fulfilled because we have all the answers inside and nothing from outside can make us complete.
I love how we can have a whole new way of understanding family. We have a far bigger family than we think.
‘It is only by first establishing a deeper level of connection with ourselves that any of us are able to bring about a deeper level of connection to others…’ This makes sense, Alexis and is a great starting point for change.
When we change the quality of something, a conversation, family dinner, relationship and so on, we change the entire outcome later experienced.
I’ve always found it fascinating that often the relationships we call “family” are the ones we mistreat the most, rather than the people we cherish and deeply adore. I love that you put so much work into improving the quality of these relationships rather than just taking advantage of the fact that”family” is just always there no matter what.
It is such a important thing to learn that what we say with our body is what is being communicated. What we then say with words can be the opposite, nice or whatever but people will always feel and respond to what we are communicating with our body.
This is a great blog, showing how to turn our life around and how that then – and not before – makes it possible for the family to change, should they wish to do so.
We are like a great orator or opera singer who says they are mute. It doesn’t compute! For we may not say the words, but constantly communicate everything we feel and think. It’s one of life’s greatest (and most foolish) games – to pretend we can hide what’s going on inside.
Yes, once I realised nothing is hidden I also realised I have a responsibility in what I communicate! What’s lovely is feeling that other people feel so when I am communicating the love I feel that is there between people I also feel I don’t have to say it because it’s felt and not always appropriate socially!
“What I have come to feel is that change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change, but only when the change is an offering and never when it is enforced on another.” I only can agree Alexis as I would only be interested in a change if it is an offering to the best of the ability of the person. I would sense if there is an enforcement and I am very sure I am not the only one who can sense it. Your blog is an invitation to be more honest to ourselves and to others as this is one of the greatest gift we can give to each other and to ourself.
Your honesty Alexis is so wonderful stunning and inspirational – thank you!
Recently just by taking more responsibility of life and letting things go when needed, I found the reflection of the quality of how others communicated changed drastically. We never need to agree with each other but the ability to respect each other and in no judgement express ourselves without reaction is a deeply precious and evolutionary way.
I can relate to everything in this blog like it was a rerun in my family and I so honestly agree it is all what the body is communicating every moment and this inspiration is to be lived every moment and in all relationships across the board.
Relationships are not this scary thing where we just don’t know what to do with it and just want to push it away and ignore it, but it is the grandest and most fulfilling feeling we first build with ourselves. When we make this true connection with ourselves, the depth and commitment we would go with all our relationships start to change, and it is deeply worthwhile and to be honest, the only truly satisfying way.
So true – when we make this commitment to be with ourselves, to back ourselves and be our own best friend, any neediness for a relationship totally disappears because we’re giving ourselves that deep love and care, that nothing else can compensate for. Any relationship with another then becomes an expansion of what we’re already feeling, and not something to feel the gap of what we’re not giving to ourselves.
We’re either bringing a full bucket or an empty bucket to everyone we meet and it’s not possible to bring a full bucket to some and an empty bucket to others. Our bucket is always either full or empty.
Great observations Richard. There is no awareness in beliefs, just dogged following. Beliefs have a way of ensuring their own survival by closing down our ability to be aware but as you say, the more aware we do become, the less power we place in beliefs and the less power beliefs have over us. Beliefs are a form of contraction that leads to more contraction, whereas awareness is a form of expansion that leads to more expansion.
I love what you’ve shared here about the honest communication from your body: what are we communicating, and does it match the truth of what we feel? Are we even paying attention to our body’s communication and our expression, or just expressing from our reactions, based on our pictures of how we’d like things to be instead of the reality and acceptance of what and how they actually are?
Love what you have shared here Alexis. It is so true the we learn more from movements than words and our movements communicates volumes of the quality of vibration, of energy that is moving us. We all can ‘pick up’ on the vibe (as we say) of what is happening as we all sense and can feel energy, as you beautifully pointed out with the case of your son, which is why we either react or respond as we choose to. What I have also found so important is being responsible for what quality I am aligning to and what it is I walk and share with my family, before any words are spoken, and the more it is love that I bring to the table the more our family is deepening, openly sharing and pulling each other up to be the love we know we all equally are.
In my experience, imposing change on others is a sure way to drive people away, it is not loving at all and it makes them resist change even more. Generally, we respond to love, acceptance and the space to come to our own understanding and willingness to change. It can never be forced upon another to change, hence why the theory of brainwashing isn’t true.
Beautiful blog Alexis and you provide us with a wealth of wisdom to implement in our own lives. Our body language speaks volumes, continually communicating all our unspoken thoughts, attitudes and emotions; it never lies. Taking responsibility of our expression, verbal and physical can and does produce miracles, as you and your family have irrefutably proven.
Amazing!
It is remarkable how it often only needs one person to start a loving change and hold no expectations about every one else’s response, and this offers the space for others when they are ready to choose a loving way for themselves too.
Another cracker of a blog from you Alexis. I am always so engaged by what you share as it is always honest, raw and real. You are offering through your living practical real wisdom a way forward (or at least showing that it is indeed possible) to be the change you want in a relationship, and that change is needed up to us. And that it is not all smooth sailing and requires a dogged approach at times. But always with this – “What I have come to feel is that change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change, but only when the change is an offering and never when it is enforced on another.”
A beautiful and open sharing about how things can change if we start with us. Blaming others is common and easy – but changing how we are first takes responsibility.
And this responsibility is the only thing that is ours to work with – trying to manage life through others is futile, imposing and abusive – and the brilliant thing is, as Alexis has shared, is that miracles abound when we do choose to take responsibility and care for ourselves.
I have had this experience in so many different ways: ‘change in one person provides others with an open invitation to also change, but only when the change is an offering and never when it is enforced on another.’ Every time I was without investment or expectation another would change, almost in a nanosecond and when I wanted them to be different, of course everything stayed the same. Who would want to change with judgement and rejection projected toward you.
I love how honest you share about your life and make things very accessible to the reader. The game changer you got in your healing session (“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.”) I knew, but with your example makes much more sense. Thank you for sharing.
It’s a saddening fact that this is the reality in most homes these days. Technology has offered us countless easy to escape and has become the comfort in the utter discomfort of this reality. My family was like yours once Alexis. We would enjoy the comfort of sitting round the TV more than we did of each other’s company. Deepening our relationship with ourselves was the key to unlocking the door to a much greater richness and intimacy together.
‘… the dark side of all beliefs – they blind us from the truth.’ Yes they give us pictures of how life should be and is, no way out there.
It is amazing how much our own expectations and judgements get projected outside ourselves on to others, and how this really effects our relationships because nothing is more difficult to operate under then another persons expectations. The more we can provide people with the space and love to be where they are, but also to grow should they wish to.
I love this, I love the way this is written, so so relatable and so exposing for many who are avoiding connecting deeper.
The functioning family may look ok from the outside yet a truly successful family is one who are not afraid to go there and lay it all out warts and all.
This world is void of deep connections and our houses are the perfect hiding place for allowing stagnation to fester.
I love your honesty with this article and your openness to seeing the truth of how you were being and to finding a another way that supported your family and allowed them to make changes when they were ready. I have found from my experience that judgment and criticism of others separates us and that holding others in love and understanding allows for connection and evolution.
Alexis, I love what you are sharing in this article, I find this deeply supportive for my family and our relationships with each other.
Wonderful Rebecca, that is my intention, to support others who are in similar situations. There’s really no other way out of our current mess, other than to support one another to evolve our way out.
Alexis, this is very beautiful. I know that point you talk about, where you could easily give up and say it’s all too hard. But I know the willingness for the change I long for must come from me first, allowing the space for others to feel for themselves. The way you describe the cardboard cut-outs to being fuller and more alive is a change and difference that anyone would choose once experienced…and it’s true, there is no end to the depth and expansiveness that awaits when we go there. Thank you Alexis, a gorgeous and relatable read.
I have come to know that I can be as ‘nice’ as I can possibly be to someone when I speak to them or I can cover up the anger I have been feeling, but nobody is fooled, as “it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” Yes, it is our magnificent body that does all the important talking, and if we want that conversation to be truly heard by another we have to start the conversation by being absolutely honest about how we are feeling right at that moment of time; the body never lies but words fuelled by our emotions do.
Yes, for me personally when a person is nice to me I feel like they are continuous lying to me – in the nicest possible way.
That is also such an important aspect of true family life not to have ideals or picture of how it should look or compare with how other families are living or how they do things.
Loving your writing Alexis! How many families these days are living in total separation due to tv and modern day gadgets that help us check out more than ever before. Having the evening meal together, sitting at a table without distractions is a key step in choosing to become closer and more intimate with our families.
Your sharings, Alexis, are inspiring as not only are they wise your honesty, openness and willingness to learn shines through.
Thanks Jonathan, I really appreciate you sharing that.
I am so inspired by this sharing Alexis thank you so much for letting us into your life as it was and how it is now. What am I bringing with my body – love this simplicity!
Every single one of us has to eventually bring it back to our bodies, there’s no other way to change the world we live in. We’ve repeatedly tried to change things with an assortment of different strategies but nothing ever truly changes because the only way to truly change anything is by changing the way that we move.
Trying to control others never works, if anything they stay where they are and don’t conform to your demands I’ve found. Only when I change how I am with me do others change how they are around me and if they don’t then many times we simply part ways.
Alexis, it could be me writing this blog, I can relate to the barrier and imposition of judgement has on ourselves and on every one. One interesting thing that also resembles with me is when you mentioned your choice to have a pause in the ‘busyness and the things to do’ when possible before communicating with others. Which makes me wonder how much do we keep ourselves busy to avoid connecting with people.
Alexis its very inspiring to see how your relationships have completely changed as a family not through right and wrong, do’s or don’ts but through movements and activity. The meeting each person for all they are has shown to be far more powerful than anything else, now that is something for me to take deeper in my life.
I have also experienced living functionally well with others so it looks ok on the surface but if there is not that deeper connection there is definitely something missing and the truth is it feels awful in my body when I live in this way.
very true Andrew, the surface ticks the boxes but underneath is a whole other level to be felt, one that does not paint such a pretty picture and that keeps us from opening up and letting each other in.
Expectations in relationships just don’t work.
“it’s what you communicate with your body that counts.” It’s one thing to receive a guidance, another to hear it, feel its import and respond to it as you did Alexis.
When we evolve we constantly expand our awareness until we see what needs to be seen and respond in new ways. A shift occurred recently in my own family that essentially started within myself. I became open to meet a person I was previously estranged from, in fact had never met before. I offered an invitation to meet as a group, and they said Yes. The beauty of the meeting was we began from where we stood, no previous baggage in sight and because of this, connecting one human being to another, we ignited the beginnings of a new relationship.
When we are moved to change ourselves, we inspire others to do the same.
Learning to accept and let others be comes first from a sense of self-acceptance in who we are ourselves, from here we let go of the impositions, perfections, the self-critique and the beliefs that we need to be anything more than the gorgeousness and grace we were born as in essence. When we spend many years being hard on ourselves its pretty easy to see how this translates into our relationships with everyone else too and supports us to understand that there is no right and wrong, just a simple life of learning if we allow the lessons to be received as lovingly as they are intended.
Thankyou for your openness and honesty with which you shared your story Alexis. Our body and movements say so much energetically, without us saying one word……
True Sue and what’s fascinating is that our bodies often communicate something very different to that which we are expressing with our words. There have been countless times that I have expressed wanting to be with family members and yet when they have gone out and I have been left on my own, my body has breathed a sigh of relief.
Having pictures of how we want things to be is a killer. I destroyed a relationship many years ago, ( through judgement) and didn’t recognize I was doing that until it was too late. It was coming to Universal Medicine that my eyes were opened to the part I had played in the destruction. A major learning for me, so an opportunity to grow and watch out for my expectations and pictures of how I wanted things to be – in any relationship.
What a transformation Alexis, you really capture the realities of modern life and family living.. and how that from the adjustment of your body and how you move it just how different both can be. The quality of us that is in our body sets the quality of the everything else that follows.
This is a very ‘ouchy’ blog for me to read, especially with the words, ‘change’, ‘control’ and especially ‘judgement’. It is so easy to ‘choose to check out whilst we eat, rather than to connect with one another’ what conversation can there be when we all have different interests, eat different foods, sit down at different times. It occurs to me that we could do an exercise on appreciation of each other, something confirming that grabs our interest. There can be a companionable silence sometimes as long as no-one is on Facebook or other social media while the meal is in progress.
This clearly show that what we communicate with our body speaks louder than words.
Much, much louder.
This is very beautiful, Alexis….I can really feel how when we let go of judgement and control, our body responds accordingly and we actually invite people in. I was once the same with my family and interestingly, when I dropped trying to make them more engaged and simply sat with myself to do whatever was at hand, they would come to me to simply share in that space, to be with me as themselves and not a picture or an ideal of how I wanted them to be. I’d been making it all about what we did together rather than how we could be together. Huge transformation followed and though there is still work to be done, I know that foundation is forever there.
We all know the hurt of being judged, feeling the expectations of others on us and the constant nagging of not being good enough. It is excruciatingly painful and regardless of what we do, we will never be able to match those expectations because in truth they’re not real. They are only imposed on us because of the lack the other person is feeling, so regardless of what we do, we will never match up because there will be more. This goes for us as well, when we’re expecting something of another, judging them or calling them to be more, it comes from our own lack and our need to be more. It’s a perfect set-up to destroy a connection with the person standing beside us.
Far too often we try to impose on others how we want them to be rather than inspire them by being and living that ourselves without need.
So true Nicola and this highlights how important it is to live the change we want to see in the world, and it is impossible to bring change to the world if we do not first live this ourselves.
It’s all about the movements in those moments! Thanks for bringing the simplicity that is offered in true connections with one another where the handbook of judgement, ideals and beliefs just don’t cut it anymore!
Very beautiful Alexis. I always enjoy the honesty with which your share and write about your life and observations. Very relatable. It’s an easy slide into judgment when we have pictures that don’t match our reality. We essentially wish things were different than what they are, which sounds quite harmless but as you said it can be very controlling. People make their own choices and we actually can’t interfere with this. Not always an easy thing given that most of us love to tell other people what to do, even though we won’t admit to it. We also know that we can’t tell people what to do, because it doesn’t work, but we keep on trying.
So true Jennifer and is it possible that we confuse on needing others to change because we are in fact avoiding true change ourselves?
Absolutely, we dig our heels in and then try and insist that everyone else fits in around us. And when you consider that this is what so many of us are doing, then it makes it easy to understand why so many of our relationships are in disarray.
Yes, when our lives seem out of control, stopping and truly asking why, will usually give us a clue as to what is going on.
And thank you for the reminder that we are aways communicating with our bodies.
I find implementing true change doesn’t happen instantly it requires an openness to an adjust period and once we commit to the change it happens very naturally, without effort or fight.
Thank you for sharing Alexis! I seriously thought this was my story but missing another son. Wow, I could see so many similarities, even down to your living room scene. It’s amazing what shifts when people don’t feel judged isn’t it. I’m trying something similar with my teenage boys at the moment, with just being with them without expectations and not putting pressure on myself or them to be a certain way.
It is easy to fall into the trap of expecting from others and our environment what we are not doing for ourselves and then, our words carry no incentive, no power and are but mere limp uttering. It’s the body and the reflection it brings that count.
Yes I agree it is so easy to talk words that sound good but if we are not living what we say ourselves then people can tell that it is not authentic.
So true Gabriele. Without our movements and our livingness congruent with the words, the words are empty gestures.
Wow, Alexis, love your blog. Your ability to share with such honesty and amazing observation is refreshing and inspiring. Also, how we hold and move our body communicates so much and it is through our reflection of love that we are more likely to inspire true change.
At any point in time our bodies are either communicating love or what is not love, there is no in between.
Brilliant, honest and inspiring account of self responsibility Alexis.
Alexis, this blog is so very relatable for me as we did the same thing in our family. One member would watch tv, while the others sat in silence eating. I also had a realisation some time back where I realised that the board and card games that we used to play together was not a truly loving connection that we were making, and that there was no love in it at all, but I held onto this for a long time, seeing it as good family relationships and togetherness, and being fortunate that we all got on.
It’s funny how we see families and relationships that are verbally or physically abusive as so bad compared to the quieter comfort of thinking you’ve got a good family life, when in truth, your just accepting a more sedate version of lovelessness.
Well said Julie.
Alexis, I always appreciate the honesty with which you observe your life and share these observations so openly so that we can relate in a very human sense to what is shared. We are so conditioned by the ideals and beliefs we have adopted in place of true connection that we think what we say can and will ‘have weight’ despite the fact it is spoken from a body that is not living the love we so desperately crave, but rather wanting things to be a certain way to alleviate the tension that arise from this. It is a case of us creating ‘problems’ and then busying ourselves in ‘fixing’ them – an endless hamster wheel of creation that leads to little or no true evolution. If we truly want to instigate and inspire change in our relationships we need to first activate that change within ourselves. From this point, how we move through the space we share with others will become infused with the love we are connecting to and it is this love, often needing no words, that is the crucial ingredient that has been missing from our relationships, our homes and our lives. Furthermore, once we reconnect with this love, we get a deeper understanding that there is no end to the depth we can go in our expression of this.
Liane, this love is felt deeply in your words through the space through the quality of your fingers moving through space onto your keyboard.
“From this point, how we move through the space we share with others will become infused with the love we are connecting to and it is this love, often needing no words, that is the crucial ingredient that has been missing from our relationships, our homes and our lives”.
I agree Stephanie, the quality of Liane’s expression is exquisite.
Liane, this love is felt deeply in your words through the quality of your fingertips moving through space to connect with your keyboard.
“From this point, how we move through the space we share with others will become infused with the love we are connecting to and it is this love, often needing no words, that is the crucial ingredient that has been missing from our relationships, our homes and our lives”.
Great sharing Liane. What I realise is when we live these changes from a place of love we actually drop the need for others to change.
Brilliantly said Chan.
It’s true, we don’t have to say anything, it’s already there in our body and movements.
It sure is Rosanna, we can pick up so much by reading each other’s movements and this makes me wonder, what message are we then sending out to the world?