My father passed over almost 6 years ago, but very rarely does he come into my thoughts. Recently in a conversation with a friend who was talking about his daughter, the subject of the relationship that I had with my father popped up. This friend asked me, “What was the relationship with your father?” My reply was that “I could not relate to him, and anyway, he has passed over” – as if it did not really matter because he was no longer here.
How Wrong Was I?
My friend persisted and asked: “But what was the relationship you had with him, for the relationship is still there?” I struggled, not wanting to go there and feel the pain, but I very quickly surrendered and much sadness came up – sadness that I had buried for a long time. The deep sadness was that when I was a child my father could not express his love to me: the love that was his most natural essence and who he was.
As a child I could feel my father’s deep buried sadness, covered with layers and layers of protection. This sadness ran so deep it felt to me it consumed him, but I could see past his hurts and see his divinity to see how deeply tender and gentle a soul he was and this is what hurt me the most:
That he was blind to how absolutely divinely beautifully he was and in his blindness he could not see how divinely beautiful I was, thus I was not seen.
Not being truly seen nor met by my father somehow I felt less, and by feeling less I chose to hide my love and lost my-self in the process. This resulted in my blaming men for not providing me the space to fully express all of me… and the kick-back was, as soon as I held back my love I could no longer just observe people and life, but absorbed everything unconsciously, for example, taking on other people’s stuff – thus I was no longer able to discern what was true and what was not true.
By absorbing everything over the years, with heaps more hurts accumulating one on top of the other, the original truth that I made myself less turned into: “I am less because I am a woman, I am less equal to men,” and then to – “the inequality between the sexes is because of men, which explains my lack of commitment in relationships.”
In having regular esoteric healing sessions with my practitioner, I have worked on my childhood issues/hurts, making it accessible to come back to the original truth and truly ‘see’ my father again – all of him – along with the acceptance and understanding of his choices. With this acceptance I had a real sense of “we saw each other” and with that our relationship felt healed, and somehow expanded. I love my father deeply… words I have not spoken in a long time.
Fathers and Daughters / Mothers and Sons
While I was still digesting the beautiful revelation and healing with my father, I heard my friend saying: “What if it was possible that your father chose you for the healing, grace and love he knew you would bring?”
If there is any truth in this possibility, then I would say to my daughter and all the daughters of this world, “Do not hold back the love you have for your father, for in doing so, you may find a deeper love for yourself.” Also I would say to my son, and all the sons of this world, “Do not hold back the love you have for your mother for you too may find a deeper acceptance and love for yourself.”
I love my father deeply… and I love that his reflection of who he truly was has supported me to see the same reflection in all men: that in each and every man on this planet – when they discard their self-made coats of armour, masks, and walls of protection – there is a gorgeous, tender, playful, cheeky, deeply sensitive, precious, and very vulnerable, innocent, divine little boy bursting with so much love. And let’s be honest, this world desperately needs the caring, exquisitely warm tender love that men can deliver.
Therefore, I would say to all the men of this world:
“Give yourself permission to be the Godliness or Son of God! Be who you truly are.”
Healing the relationship I had with my father, I can feel how equal men and women truly are. We are both equal in our divinity. When both sexes stop blaming the other gender and then come together, unite together, commit together, and truly hold each other, there is no war and there is no perfection, there is only a forever expansion and deepening of love, paving a new way for how men and women relate to each other.
The love I now feel and express for my father has provided the space to give myself permission to reflect to all; this is who I am – I am this sexy, beautiful, gorgeous, powerful, wise woman. This is me, of course it is, I always was this. I can now shine and show all of me in the knowing that it is my true reflection that truly supports/allows another to be who they truly are.
We are all reflections for one another, which is perhaps the true meaning of support.
By Jacqueline McFadden, Teacher, Esoteric Practitioner, The Netherlands