When I was about 20 years old I momentarily pushed my pet hamster under water in anger because it bit me. I had bought myself a hamster because my best friend had a couple and it seemed like a really cool thing to have. I remember feeling disappointed that I got absolutely nothing back from my hamster… it didn’t make me look cool and neither did it love me.
In my late teens and early twenties I relied on boyfriends for my sense of identity. I made sure that I was never without a boyfriend or at least someone that I was chasing because I felt that without a boyfriend I would not have known who I was. Flirting and hooking guys in was a constant game and one I played even if I wasn’t particularly interested in the guy.
As far as my relationship with myself went I don’t think that I consciously knew such a thing existed and anyway, I thought that I was fine as I was.
What is startling for me to realise when I look back is that I wasn’t at all aware of how much I was struggling, even though I was binge eating, in desperate need of attention and pissed off a lot of the time. In fact I was more than pissed off, I was actually livid! At the time I was very clear about what I perceived to be the cause of my anger; I thought that it was ‘other people’ that made me angry, especially what I considered to be the ‘stupid ones’! I would feel so much anger building in my body when I was listening to certain people talk that I would imagine doing horrible things. This happened a lot and yet still I had no conscious awareness that I wasn’t ok.
It has taken me a long time to understand why I felt the way that I did, and that understanding has been supported immeasurably by the teachings that Serge Benhayon shares through Universal Medicine. It is because of this increased understanding that the judgement that I have towards myself has decreased: however the judgement that I still have towards others indicates that there is a lot more self-judgment yet to be uncovered.
I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them. That’s not to say that we can’t be horrified at the appalling things that happen in the world, of course we can and indeed we are, but understanding takes any judgment away.
Looking back, I recognise that I was in anguish. I had chosen to disconnect from myself to such an extent that I had literally broken adrift from any kind of footing that I had.
I was lost at sea with no idea where land was. What is fascinating now for me to feel is that although it was a very painful time of my life, I had very little awareness of the pain that I was in and the reason why I was unable to feel the pain that I was in, was because I had chosen to sever my connection to myself.
I chose to disconnect from myself at about the age of 8 because I didn’t know what to do with the painful feelings that I had in my body as a result of being picked on at school. I hardened myself to give the false impression to others that it didn’t hurt, when in fact I felt like I was being suffocated from the inside. From that point onwards I continued to harden my body and bury my feelings in a myriad of different ways and eventually ended up so far from where I had begun that I forgot that I once had a starting point of Me.
When we choose to disconnect from ourselves we lose the ability to know how we are feeling because we are ‘not there’ to feel what we are feeling. If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door? Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.
What makes our disconnection from ourselves even more harmful is the fact that everything, as in every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.
This is colossal because most of us have chosen to disconnect from ourselves at some point in our lives, which sets up a mirrored response in our outer lives. If we have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves, then this will result in dysfunctional relationships with everything and everyone else. It’s basic maths, there can be no more or no less. But because we have chosen to pretend that we don’t know how life works, then we all scrabble around making out that we really can’t understand why life is so hard.
Women spend lifetimes talking to one another trying to fathom out what deep down they already know. But who’s going to be the one to stand up and call out the farce? “Not I”, I hear you cry, and we all know why. We are all involved in a cover-up of such gargantuan proportions that we have made a silent pact to not break the silence… and so we all keep the charade going whilst pretending to know nothing about it.
Deep down every single one of us knows that it is our relationship with ourselves that sets every-thing else in motion, but the responsibility of that feels too big and so we pretend that we don’t know.
So going back to me in my twenties, I had chosen years earlier to cut myself off from myself and so it naturally followed that I also cut myself off from most other people. Because I was unable to feel what I was doing to myself, then I was also unable to feel what I was doing to others. As a direct result of choosing to abuse myself, I was also able to abuse others, and I did. The aggression that I showed myself was reflected in the aggression that I showed to those around me.
Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others. It was all there for me to see, if only I had chosen to see it. But I didn’t.
What I have come to learn from my own experiences since attending the workshops of Universal Medicine is that if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first. Others can only get as close to me as I get to myself. If I want to be loved for who I naturally am, then it is my responsibility to love myself in full first. If I want to stop judging those around me then I must stop judging myself. Life is maths, nothing can exist outside of us that doesn’t already exist on the inside: we can’t conjure something up out of nothing, it’s just not possible. Likewise, if there is something going on outside of us, we can’t throw our hands up in the air and say “Ain’t nothing to do with me.” Again basic maths – if it’s on the outside then it’s on the inside.
No-thing more, no-thing less.
Our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.
When we have each returned to our true relationship with ourselves, one that contains love and nothing else, then so too will our world be a reflection of that love.
By Alexis Stewart, Dedicated Student of The Way of The Livingness, Partner to an amazing man, Mum to a beautiful boy, Yoga Teacher, Disability Care Worker, Sydney
Further Reading:
Returning to our essence
Being Chinese – Being True to My Self
Is that all there is?
892 Comments
When we look at human behaviour from this angle it is so much easier to not take things personal. If someone speaks harshly to me and I choose to understand that that harshness is being directed at themselves first, it doesn’t make sense to retaliate and react because that person is already hurt.
My anger towards myself used to be off the charts similar to what you’ve shared Alexis and while it is nothing as it was I still choose to judge myself and others. But choosing to be curious and ask for understanding is definitely the way to go in healing such criticisms because in that I get to learn that the only reason I choose this is because I have/had chosen to not be me, a work in progress as judgement is very familiar but one, if the body is given a say, that proves to lead to only failure and more hurt.
Absolutely Beautiful blog, I feel I learned so much!. Its become so clear that what indeed is on the inside is reflected on the outside, its so easy to look ‘out there’ and think something is wrong without first seeing what our relationship with ourselves is, which is where we can address reactions and judgements – ultimately understanding is how things truly heal.
I agree Harrison and this is a very rewarding time as it allows us to really understand how we have got into such mess in the first place.
It really is maths as you say Alexis, it starts with how we relate to us, and often we do not want to see that so we rage at the world, I know I have! And this is a waste of energy and changes nothing as it has to start in us and as I’ve changed how I am with me those outer things don’t bother me or I have the space to see and understand more. And you remind me that if I judge another I have more self judgement to uncover – this is something I will play with, thank you.
This is great Alexis. You touch on many things and disclose one revelation after another. It is so true that everything stems from our relationship with ourselves and because at some level we know this, it is the last thing we want to look at. Why because we are all deeply invested in the charade we call human life even though we know it contains little to no truth and is packed full of illusion, that we don’t want exposed. We are all accomplices to this illusion and have been so for many many lives, but time has been called on the illusion and from here on humanity needs to start to honestly seek truth.
An amazing blog Alexis – the anger you describe, the raging against the world and everything in it is something I know I have felt – life’s difficult or tough because of other people and yet two people can experience the same day, the same people and feel totally different about it because of the way they related to what went on in their day.
Great blog Alexis. “If we have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves, then this will result in dysfunctional relationships with everything and everyone else.” So true – yet we blame everyone and everything outside of us. Is this because we don’t want to take responsibility for how we are with ourselves? Since attending Universal Medicine presentations I have been learning to treat myself with love and respect, also acceptance and appreciation for who and where I am in my life. This has had a huge knock-on effect, not only for myself of course, but on everyone I meet during my day.
“Deep down every single one of us knows that it is our relationship with ourselves that sets every-thing else in motion, but the responsibility of that feels too big and so we pretend that we don’t know. “Wow this is big and a real revelation for us all to take on board. The only option we really have in life is to make loving changes and to feel everything and build a loving relationships with ourselves first and this will change everything. A beautiful sharing bringing such love and understanding thank you Alexis.
That’s really beautiful Alexis – what you have spoken about makes so much sense and for me is a stop moment to take another look at my relationship with myself. I could feel myself open up as I read your words and the common sense of what you said – and that if we are not truth-full with ourselves how can we possibly know what truth is?
Thank you for sharing. Something I have learnt is that unless we are continually deepening our relationship with ourselves we cannot deepen it with others. If we put our relationship with others above ourselves it will never work. After all what quality do we bring to another if we do not have and live with and cherish the relationship we have with ourselves.
I love this Alexis. Basic maths! So well put.
I love the examples you are giving about how you felt and had this underlying anger and were blaming all this on everybody else, as this is such a common pattern in this world and I can definitely relate to it. It is so very freeing to understand that we all have to do with what comes towards us and that we can thus make the changes we want for ourselves. It simply and always starts with ourself first, the relationship with ourselves thus, is a very important one, and one to reply care for and nurture.
And equally that to defuse this boiling anger and rage, we have to get out of ourselves, and learn to see things from different view points – to create an understanding of the world and then we get an ah-ha. No longer does it have the fuel of criticism and judgement and the anger loses its fuel…. we are able to see the situation with more clarity, more presence.
I love this line….”If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door?” Remaining connected to us and what this means and feels like is not something I was ever taught except when I came to Universal Medicine presentations. This is something that should be on the school curriculum for every child, so that as we grow every adult has a solid relationship with himself or herself before needing another to fix them.
Yes it is quite a scary thing too isn’t it – not knowing who is coming through the door – that we have opened of course by vacating first… To stay connected no matter what feels so important and that goes for all areas in life.
I love your honesty Alexis, and I too had no concept in my youth that there was even a possibility of a relationship with myself. If anyone had said to me then about it, I would have totally dismissed it. Moving on, I can now feel how that disconnection affected me and all my choices I’ve made for a long time. It’s a great celebration to feel how we have grown with support from the workshops of Universal Medicine to remember our re-connection to ourselves. Beautiful.
This article makes so much sense, especially the part about having judgements of others and still having judgements on ourselves, and how understanding goes a long way to helping us to not react to situations and people. Our inner conflicts and how we treat ourselves are only shown back to us, how awesome is that.
You bring a clearer understanding of the effects of blame, judgment and irresponsibility with this powerful and honest writing Alexis. It is a very big ouch and wake up call when we realise that how we see others in the world is basically a projection from how we see and treat ourselves and don’t want to feel the pain of this.
“Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others”.
Thank you Alexis – What a great analogy this is to expose being totally separated from ourselves.
Every front door I touch will forever bring a reminder that there is always a possibility to deepen true connection with myself and thus others.
“If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door?”
Thank you Alexis, I can relate to much of what is shared especially around not recognising how far away I was from myself and any quality relationship with it. Having been attending Universal Medicine workshops for the last 10 years, it was a couple of weeks ago I realised and felt in my body how every issue, every moment, every choice comes back to my relationship with myself. This is what I am constantly being shown to pay attention to. It makes everything so much more simple – maybe challenging too as there can be no blame just self responsibility.
Hi Alexis, This blog is just what I needed to read this morning, that everything starts with me first. Everything you have written makes so much sense to me.
“I was lost at sea with no idea where land was. What is fascinating now for me to feel is that although it was a very painful time of my life, I had very little awareness of the pain that I was in and the reason why I was unable to feel the pain that I was in, was because I had chosen to sever my connection to myself.”
When we choose to disconnect from ourselves we harden our bodies and almost use them like a battering ram to get through life as nothing is there in life to appreciate or hold us in the beauty that we all are. I feel It’s only by re learning how to love ourselves that we can withstand the onslaught that is our current way of living
‘If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door?’ This is a great analogy and I can feel just how much I have chosen to disconnect in how I do things during the day in order not to feel all that I naturally can. This does not stop what is there to feel entering as is said here and so we have no way of effectively dealing with this.
When the relationship with ourselves is non-existent, we continually search outside of ourselves hoping to find the answers, when in fact this search keeps us trapped going round and round in circles. For myself I needed a huge wake-up call to break free from this trap in the form of illness, this gave me the much needed space to examine and revaluate my life and all I had been choosing: the disconnection and the irresponsibility. When I got this honest, so much support opened up for me and so many more choices became available.
‘I had chosen to disconnect from myself to such an extent that I had literally broken adrift from any kind of footing that I had’. I could have written these words, several years ago I was completely lost and had no tools to hand to find myself back….. and then I found the Ageless Wisdom presented by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine which supported me greatly to open my eyes and take responsibility for my life and slowly through self-care and self-nurture I began to reconnect with my body and develop a relationship with myself.
What an awesome maths lesson Alexis Stewart, thank you. This is without doubt the most profound lesson of my life – that it all begins with me and my relationship with myself. When I accepted this, there was no place for blame in my life any more, no need to keep seeking love ‘out there’ and no true basis for judging others any more. There’s no perfection here, but whenever someone is challenging in my life, I know it is to myself I need to look and not at others. Choosing to heal that relationship with self, is truly life-changing.
I love your raw honesty Alexis exposing your thoughts when you disconnected to yourself It is so true that how we are with people is reflected back to us yet we are so lost that we don’t want to or can’t connect the dots. All through my life I used to question the type of friends that I had, and why they were my friends, but at the time I wasn’t willing to look deeper into my questioning. I am able to see now that they were all variations of what I reflected of myself out to the world. Holding back, hard, using money to protect me from the world and control what happens in my life. I did know somewhere deep down that this was being reflected back to me, but I didn’t like it so ignored it and numbed myself to it. “Our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.” So very true Alexis.
Wow Alexis, I love this article, this is very profound and yet makes complete sense and is in fact very simple, ‘our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.’
Thank you for re-iterating that again Rebecca – it’s an awesome expression and one to take into our daily lives for the purpose of reflection and adjustment where necessary.
I can relate here Alexis to that decision made sometime in my childhood to harden and go into protection mode, basically so that others would never know that they had hurt me. The trouble with this is as you say that when we think we are protecting ourselves from things outside including hurts, we are also cutting ourselves off from ourselves and from feeling love inside us and around us. No wonder then that this way of living ends up in misery and emptiness!
True Andrew and something I feel we can all relate to and know inside out. It is important therefore to really develop a relationship with the part of us we have been avoiding so that we are able to see life and others in a real way where we can relate to others from a place of understanding.
When we leave ourselves, we have all heard the term ‘lights are on but no one is at home’ is closer to the truth than we would like to believe. What happens to a house with the lights on and nobody is home, anyone or thing can move in sit on our couch and make themselves at home! We are what is inside of us and it is a choice to be ourselves, or something we let in that is not us.
“Because I was unable to feel what I was doing to myself, then I was also unable to feel what I was doing to others” This is a beautiful realisation Alexis. Growing up I always felt disappointed that I was not loved romantically by others and now I know it was because I did not have any true love for myself and was holding myself and everyone else at arm’s length.
Alexis before coming to Universal Medicine I had no idea what having a relationship with myself meant or had even considered it possible, so today having this as the foundation of my life I can’t quite understand how I lived before. That is until I let myself see how much I was coping and struggling in life, the thing that I felt was missing was me and I was always there just needed to connect to me instead of making life about other people first.
I can so relate to this too MA – looking back now it is a wonder how I handled my life at all. Nowadays, even in the face of adversary, just by having a good foundation in my relationship with me, I can stay so much more connected with myself, looking after myself in a loving and nourishing way, whereas before I’d be in such disregard to all that I really needed to give myself to be truly loving and nurturing myself in all situations.
My life before Universal Medicine was like a ball in a Pachinko machine. My past my life was determined by chance and gravity and then repeated continuously. Now there is purpose and self in my life that just flows.
Wow Alexis! What an amazing and exposing blog and the whole thing is we can’t hide from ourselves forever so we might as well get on with it. This really hits home the importance of self-love and that nothing that happens to us ever, is not a direct result of our relationship with ourselves and the choices we make.
The hiding is the delay when deep down inside we know this. So why not just get on with it!
Yes and once this is understood and truly felt, the way to self love and care becomes so much clearer, and when we step on this path it feels truly gorgeous the more we connect to that inner essence.
Love your honesty of the strong feelings of anger Alexis, it is so much easier to let go of things when we apply such honesty and it always offers others the permission to go there and do the same. In regard to the teaching of Universal Medicine, some may argue that what is presented with issues such as self love is not new, it is found in many philosophies, and yet I find it is embodied by the teacher and in the teachings so fully and thus much more powerful and truthful, that to me is a fundamental difference in how much of what I hear I then embody too.
“When we choose to disconnect from ourselves we lose the ability to know how we are feeling because we are ‘not there’ to feel what we are feeling.” If someone had said this to me some years back I would have laughed and asked how could I possibly be disconnected from me as I definitely feel what’s going on for me. Then 11 years ago at my first workshop with Serge Benhayon a light was turned on, and as I turned this light inward, for the first time in my life I could feel how disconnected I actually was, from me, from others and from life, and the only way to heal this was to honestly explore the quality of my relationship with me; so I did.
Awesome Ingrid, often it truly takes another to show us how to turn that light to ourselves within and bring to light what we didn’t see or chose to not see or be aware of. And how liberating is it when we do and can start to see and heal all that is in the way of us truly connecting with ourselves in love and true caring.
Ingrid, the exact same with me. I thought I was connected to me, like you said how could I not be, I am with me the whole time! Alas this is true though and I would say for most if not all of us within the world and it wasn’t until I met Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine and was introduced to the Gentle Breath Meditation and also with what Serge presents that I could tangibly feel I was indeed not connected to me and the essence within, in fact everything I had lived had pretty much been avoiding feeling this not embracing and allowing it. This is still very much an unfolding path and there is never a point you get to where ‘that is it’ but it is a gift allowing myself to just be more and more and getting to feel the true qualities of who I am and what I bring.
‘I thought that it was ‘other people’ that made me angry,’ This made me smile, a reminder of a time when I felt the same, completely unaware I carried anger in my own body.
Yes me too Kehinde and Alexis, and how freeing and liberating it was to eventually recognise this and deal with it within…
Alexis, an incredible transformation. It is as you share when we deeply connect with ourselves we begin to understand the reason why we behave the way we do and in constant reaction to the world around us. Without understanding this level of awareness eludes us.. I can relate to much of what you share, in particular wanting to develop relationships with others (and failing) when I didn’t have one with myself. Your poor hamster! And yet that’s how it is: we pour blame on others without ever looking at ourselves and what we’re creating in our lives. What you say is true: ‘Our Relationship with ourselves is the Start of all Things. it must be joyous for your body to have you home again.
Thank you Alexis for clarifying in this blog what is meant by ‘relationship with self’. It is something I too have struggled with -with the consequences for my other relationships that you have described. When I re-connect to my essence it is the most glorious feeling and one that I remember well. I can feel the natural joy bubbling up inside me. Conversely, when i am disconnected from myself -my essence – I can overeat, over-exercise, get bored, get overwhelmed, frustrated…the list could go on and on. It really IS that simple isn’t it -to connect to self or not connect to self?
These are simple maths indeed Alexis, and the question arises within me why do we not learn this when we are young? Being aware of these basic maths give us completely back the responsibility of how we are living our lives to ourselves. We are not ruled by anything from the outside, it is from us internally that creates the outer circumstances and situations we are faced with, and if we are connected in love we know what we will meet in the outer world.
That is why this feels like coming home – it is the natural way we were as young children. We are indeed returning to that natural way.
Coming home to divinity – just here on earth for now.
” … if we are connected in love we know what we will meet in the outer world.” – Powerful expression Nico and right on the spot. With that in mind we can really assess where we are at and make the appropriate changes if necessary. The blame game stops.
I love your blog Alexis, so honest, exposing and real. I laughed at parts of it because I was able to relate to what you’ve shared and understand how crazy some of our thoughts can be when we are disconnected from ourselves and therefore others. To appreciate what others reflect to us, be willing to see that these reflections are always there for us to learn. But when we choose to blame instead of choosing to learn, then we can easily get stuck in a cycle of abuse. To choose to deepen our relationship with ourselves will support us to connect with others more lovingly, be more understanding and honest.
So very healing this is, as I can recognise so much of what you have shared here and I had my own chainsaw that was constantly on stand-by, humming away. “Every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves” – this is Gold. Responsibility is so simple – turn it around, it is the power we have walked away from.
I love what you have presented Alexis, about life being maths as this is so true. We cannot expect to be loved in a way that we do not allow love in or out for ourselves, there is a rhythm and a flow to a loving life that knows what true love is and the beholding energy of God by which it lives. To know and live by this science is to let go of all neediness and abuse and just accept that the love we are, is simply that, all that we are.
I believe you have just discussed cause and effect Alexis.
How judgment exists if an image to how something should be is already held as a belief?
The greatest remedy to judgment is to cast all beliefs and ideals aside (although seeming impossible at first) there is nothing more liberating to read life for exactly what it is without relying on any picture.
A great way to describe it Luke, the law of cause and effect, but also the law that nothing can be created or destroyed – judgement for another cannot be created from nothing, first there has to be judgement for ourselves.
Wow, awesome Rebecca. The answers to life really do live within. Reminds me of the biblical verse ‘the kingdom of heaven is within you’.
Well said Nick – the inner kingdom and sanctuary that creates the architectural blue print for all our life.
I love it – we have everything within us already and can choose if we so wish to deviate and delay these plans coming to the fore but delay is all it is as the plans are already in place.
We carry our own key to all we ever dream in our hearts and no one can deliver this to us – just reflect and inspire us to reignite what we already hold.
I love your expression here Luke, so apt and absolutely true. How can we possibly judge something when we do no longer hold a belief how things ought to be? Very liberating indeed.
Thank you Alexia Stewart for sharing what I too have experienced from what has been presented by Universal Medicine. The details in which we can go to in order to deeply care for ourselves is noticed by others and often a reminder to us all our true potential.