When I was about 20 years old I momentarily pushed my pet hamster under water in anger because it bit me. I had bought myself a hamster because my best friend had a couple and it seemed like a really cool thing to have. I remember feeling disappointed that I got absolutely nothing back from my hamster… it didn’t make me look cool and neither did it love me.
In my late teens and early twenties I relied on boyfriends for my sense of identity. I made sure that I was never without a boyfriend or at least someone that I was chasing because I felt that without a boyfriend I would not have known who I was. Flirting and hooking guys in was a constant game and one I played even if I wasn’t particularly interested in the guy.
As far as my relationship with myself went I don’t think that I consciously knew such a thing existed and anyway, I thought that I was fine as I was.
What is startling for me to realise when I look back is that I wasn’t at all aware of how much I was struggling, even though I was binge eating, in desperate need of attention and pissed off a lot of the time. In fact I was more than pissed off, I was actually livid! At the time I was very clear about what I perceived to be the cause of my anger; I thought that it was ‘other people’ that made me angry, especially what I considered to be the ‘stupid ones’! I would feel so much anger building in my body when I was listening to certain people talk that I would imagine doing horrible things. This happened a lot and yet still I had no conscious awareness that I wasn’t ok.
It has taken me a long time to understand why I felt the way that I did, and that understanding has been supported immeasurably by the teachings that Serge Benhayon shares through Universal Medicine. It is because of this increased understanding that the judgement that I have towards myself has decreased: however the judgement that I still have towards others indicates that there is a lot more self-judgment yet to be uncovered.
I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them. That’s not to say that we can’t be horrified at the appalling things that happen in the world, of course we can and indeed we are, but understanding takes any judgment away.
Looking back, I recognise that I was in anguish. I had chosen to disconnect from myself to such an extent that I had literally broken adrift from any kind of footing that I had.
I was lost at sea with no idea where land was. What is fascinating now for me to feel is that although it was a very painful time of my life, I had very little awareness of the pain that I was in and the reason why I was unable to feel the pain that I was in, was because I had chosen to sever my connection to myself.
I chose to disconnect from myself at about the age of 8 because I didn’t know what to do with the painful feelings that I had in my body as a result of being picked on at school. I hardened myself to give the false impression to others that it didn’t hurt, when in fact I felt like I was being suffocated from the inside. From that point onwards I continued to harden my body and bury my feelings in a myriad of different ways and eventually ended up so far from where I had begun that I forgot that I once had a starting point of Me.
When we choose to disconnect from ourselves we lose the ability to know how we are feeling because we are ‘not there’ to feel what we are feeling. If you’re not at home, then how can you possibly know who’s walking through the front door? Choosing to disconnect from who we are makes it very easy to abuse ourselves because we are literally oblivious to the abuse.
What makes our disconnection from ourselves even more harmful is the fact that everything, as in every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.
This is colossal because most of us have chosen to disconnect from ourselves at some point in our lives, which sets up a mirrored response in our outer lives. If we have a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves, then this will result in dysfunctional relationships with everything and everyone else. It’s basic maths, there can be no more or no less. But because we have chosen to pretend that we don’t know how life works, then we all scrabble around making out that we really can’t understand why life is so hard.
Women spend lifetimes talking to one another trying to fathom out what deep down they already know. But who’s going to be the one to stand up and call out the farce? “Not I”, I hear you cry, and we all know why. We are all involved in a cover-up of such gargantuan proportions that we have made a silent pact to not break the silence… and so we all keep the charade going whilst pretending to know nothing about it.
Deep down every single one of us knows that it is our relationship with ourselves that sets every-thing else in motion, but the responsibility of that feels too big and so we pretend that we don’t know.
So going back to me in my twenties, I had chosen years earlier to cut myself off from myself and so it naturally followed that I also cut myself off from most other people. Because I was unable to feel what I was doing to myself, then I was also unable to feel what I was doing to others. As a direct result of choosing to abuse myself, I was also able to abuse others, and I did. The aggression that I showed myself was reflected in the aggression that I showed to those around me.
Every single thing that was in my relationship with myself was reflected back to me in my relationships with others. It was all there for me to see, if only I had chosen to see it. But I didn’t.
What I have come to learn from my own experiences since attending the workshops of Universal Medicine is that if I want to change any-thing that is outside of me, then I must change it in my relationship with myself first. Others can only get as close to me as I get to myself. If I want to be loved for who I naturally am, then it is my responsibility to love myself in full first. If I want to stop judging those around me then I must stop judging myself. Life is maths, nothing can exist outside of us that doesn’t already exist on the inside: we can’t conjure something up out of nothing, it’s just not possible. Likewise, if there is something going on outside of us, we can’t throw our hands up in the air and say “Ain’t nothing to do with me.” Again basic maths – if it’s on the outside then it’s on the inside.
No-thing more, no-thing less.
Our relationships with others become the most incredible tools to see what needs addressing in the starting place of every-thing, and that is in our relationship with our self.
When we have each returned to our true relationship with ourselves, one that contains love and nothing else, then so too will our world be a reflection of that love.
By Alexis Stewart, Dedicated Student of The Way of The Livingness, Partner to an amazing man, Mum to a beautiful boy, Yoga Teacher, Disability Care Worker, Sydney
Further Reading:
Returning to our essence
Being Chinese – Being True to My Self
Is that all there is?
892 Comments
How powerfully profound and eye-opening is this statement of truth?
“What makes our disconnection from ourselves even more harmful is the fact that everything, as in every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.”
“It is because of this increased understanding that the judgement that I have towards myself has decreased: however the judgement that I still have towards others indicates that there is a lot more self-judgment yet to be uncovered.” This is very true of myself, however my sharpened judgement arrows feel mostly pointed and uncompromising towards myself first, then I use them on others, having left myself for dead. This is a debilitating cycle of self abuse that has only been gradually arrested for me, through the love and teachings of Serge Benhayon.
The more I look at my relationships the more I see the one with myself. When I get annoyed by what I see, it’s either because I am only looking on superficially or I am doing the same thing.
Kehinde I am only just coming to feel the extent of the sheer amount of judgement that I have administered in my life. In fact I know that I am not yet able to fully comprehend the true extent of the judgement that I have felt but know that it has been a constant force in my life. You are spot on when you say that there is a certain sneakiness to it and it is that sneakiness that has kept the full force and impact hidden from my view. I am however onto it and am committed to flushing it out of all of it’s hidey holes.
Judgement is sneaky and creeps in, if we’re not vigilant. it can enter as a fleeting thought, and when it does and we catch it, feel it for what it is and release it lovingly. To judge another is to focus on externals, not their essence, in the same way we judge ourselves. It does not heal, it harms.
Life can very often feel like a struggle and when it does it usually reflects our own inner struggle. Photographic of me in my late teens show a very disgruntled young woman. I remember feeling angry, not really knowing what was going on within and around me and never openly expressed, I carried these feelings internally for years. To be supported to connect to and express our feelings (all of them) is foundational to developing a relationship with ourselves. An understanding I gained late in life, but invaluable at any age.
It’s the so-called ‘norm’ to dedicate our teenage years to dating, to finding a relationship and someone to be with – often just to fit in and do what everyone else is doing. I know that’s how it was for me. I really was totally uninterested in relationships for ages and then suddenly wanted one to make me fit in and also have someone adore me. I expected my partner to do all the things I wasn’t willing to do for myself – to love and care for me in a way that I hadn’t done for myself. Relationships were loaded with expectations and need and so inevitably they didn’t work. It’s when we’re prepared to get honest and see what we’ve invested in, and why, and to look at our own stuff well before we place blame on another, that things start to shift and heal – opening up the space for true relationships built on quality, not need.
It is so simple and this exercise can be applied to any relationship, starting it today!
Thank you!
I remember as a young woman spending hours on the phone to my girlfriends moaning about other people or my current boyfriend and how they did me wrong and weren’t being supportive. I never once questioned how I was supporting myself, or if I was treating myself with the same respect and decency I was demanding from others. Taking a look at myself was not comfortable at first. It was so much easier to point my fingers outward, but after that first step, the journey has been life changing and very empowering.
Agreed Debra, many will relate to what you say. Life becomes simpler and lighter when we stop looking out at others to blame and take responsibility for ourselves. Honesty is uncomfortable at first, but the rewards are worth it and life long.
We have many ways to distract ourselves from that true connection we do know so well and say we are looking for all of our life. How hypocritical we are as to distract ourselves purposely from making this connection and at the end even dare to say we where not aware! Actually we have to become honest and admit that we have fought this awareness in many ways and that all the suffering we have encountered in life is from our own doing.
Deeply appreciating the deepening of relationships within my home and with people around reflecting back to me this relationship I have with myself.
So if I have arguments, which are little wars, with my partner, then I have little wars, behave aggressive towards my self. That is a big reflection on the status of the relationship I have with myself, the way I value myself.
As a species we must choose to reconnect… This is an inevitable process, and yet the delay at every turn is quite extraordinary, and extraordinarily revealing.
Well said Chris. What it reveals is our dogged determination to avoid the truth.
And also our dogged determination to keep returning to it.. no matter how many delays and avoidance strategies I can come up with, eventually I keep coming back to the knowing that nothing ‘out there’ is greater than what is inside me.
“I have come to feel that judgment comes from lack of understanding: once we understand why a person is behaving the way that they do, it becomes impossible to judge them.” If we judge others harshly – how are we in fact judging ourselves? Giving ourselves understanding allows us to bring that same understanding out into the world to others. Seeing others for who they truly are – not just their behaviours.
Judgment is an emotion that really only serves to reinforce the hurt and thoughts of someone that they are less than you and others – whereas understanding allows them to feel their potential and live it.
Well said Suse, when we judge another for either being more or less than us, it’s akin to pinning them down energetically and preventing them from moving, whereas understanding where they’re at gives them the freedom to move should they so choose.
Indeed Suse, judgment is like an imprisonment, a reduction in life while understanding brings us the freedom to expand and to become more of who we potentially are.
When we cast judgement it’s like casting a net over whoever we are judging, whilst at the same time casting a net over ourselves. In that moment we’re both trussed up.
From what you’ve shared Suse, it is clear that it is a great dis-service to hold another or self in judgement.
By first building, then deepening and valuing our relationship with ourselves first and foremost, ensures we have a sound foundation for all other relationships in our life.
A deeply honest and profound sharing Alexis, it starts with us, so simple and it opens life up when we consider this. And understanding is crucial in all of this, to understand ourselves and the choices we’ve made and to lovingly keep coming back to being with ourselves, letting any judgements go and simply allowing ourselves to just be, it’s magic and infectious and absolutely us.
Monica I love what you have shared, especially how important it is not to judge ourselves. When we do go into judgement it creates a barrier between us and ourselves and therefore prevents us from being able to understand what is truly going on and therefore from also being able to evolve from whatever it is we are experiencing.
I love what you’ve explained about judgement Alexis – so true. I had never considered what gets in the way of me having a relationship with myself in such a real way. It’s opened up a way of being with myself that is open, transparent, honest and loving- everything I ever looked for in another to reflect back to me I can actually give myself and with no fear of that love being taken away suddenly and not within my control. Fancy having a relationship with myself that never has to have a limit?!
and if we are able to have a relationship with ourselves that has no limit, then we are also able to have relationships with others that have no limits.
‘every-thing that exists outside of us, is set in motion first by our relationship with ourselves.’ This is huge, it is colossal as you say. It’s not confined to relationships with others but to how the whole of life flows, how opportunities present themselves or how we choose not to see them or allow them. I’m just starting to observe how I am allowing wonderful things in my life because I am more accepting of myself and expressing this.
Rachel I have come to feel that each and every relationship is indeed blessed, even the ugly and difficult ones, as every relationship that we have in our lives is there by divine design.
Life is one big relationship. Everything is a relationship. We can choose to see if life is a blessing or a curse. Our choice indeed!
Ultimately life is God having a relationship with himself.
Is it possible that the way we treat ourselves is the direct result of being brought up to believe that we put everyone else first and us way down the list of who to care for? With this programming no wonder it is so hard for us to love ourselves or even care for ourselves. We have been led to believe that we don’t matter all that much and so begins the severing of the connection from ourselves, one that was so natural as a child. To return to this connection, in my experience, is followed by a return to the top of the ‘who to care for first’ list, where we naturally belong.
Ingrid whilst I agree that we can all be lead to believe many things, I also believe that we can’t be made to believe anything. I feel that were only too willing to jump from the ship of truth into the murky waters of illusion because it enables us to stay in the comfortable holding patterns that we have chosen, lifetime after lifetime. Responsibility really is the name of the game.
Great point that we set things up for ourselves.. it can be very easy to blame the world for all of the ills and expectations that are placed upon us, but we can’t avoid the fact that it’s always our choice to take on these expectations and align to them, or not. It takes strength and commitment to align to our own internal compass, and not the world’s, especially when we have old ingrained patterns of having done that for a long time, but there is so much inspiration around us to show that our patterns are not who we are, that we can choose differently, live more of who we truly are, at any time.
As with all relationships, they need nurturing, honouring, great communication and listening. From this they become enriched and then deepen and grow. To apply this to yourself, for yourself is a very beautiful thing! Every relationship, with another thereafter is truly blessed.
It’s a great to be reminded of this first thing in the morning – you can apply it to your day too and that how my whole day will turn out depends on this moment right now that I have with myself.
Judgement to others or to ourselves is lack of acceptance of what we don’t understand or don’t want to embrace in our lives, although this is an unavoidable part of us. This is a lost battle; only by surrendering ourselves to the reality of our nature, we are blessed by it and free of any judgement’s pressure.
We are either being fuelled by an energetic source that seeks to keep us in separation from the Divine or an energetic source that seeks to re-unite us with the Divine. When we’re being driven by the former then we will ‘protect ourself at all costs’ and defending ourselves in confrontation is a prime example of this. On the other hand when we are being fuelled by the latter, then we are much more likely to be receptive to the learning in any situation.
Very interesting how we lash out when we don’t get what we want. It just goes to highlight the selfish motivation rather than being open to what the universe is trying to show us…
Our relationship with ourselves is the start of all things! From there all other relationships can blossom and grow. Without out it we are foundation-less and have no real substance to bring to another.
I remember being a very angry young woman, to the point where I would have bursts of rage and did on occasion thump people around me, and yet while I was aware of a deep rage and angst in me, I would have said I was coping just fine and that I did not need help, but that I was surrounded by unsupportive people or worse. In other words it was all about the world being bad or others not being up to the task whatever it was … years later after much searching I came across Universal Medicine and my life changed because I took on board what was presented that it starts with us and that in fact we’re not broken, just off track and it’s about peeling back the layers of falsity we’ve taken on. I am more at ease with me as a result and have deep and very inspiring relationships with those around me. Your blog today Alexis asks me to go deeper and find those pockets that still exist where I judge myself and thus others and to fish out and renounce any ideas or pictures I may have. It’s a continuing refinement but one I make no matter what … so now there is more to unpick but I know as I do it, it allows more of who I am to be seen and felt by all.
and when we ‘don’t like to say no’ what is it that we are therefore saying ‘yes’ to?
There is always something to look at and address within ourselves when we don’t like the reflection in front of us. It may be as simple as not choosing the situation we find ourselves in and asking ‘What was going on within me that I didn’t like to say ‘No’.
I needed to read this again today.
When the reflection outside of us highlights to inner disharmony it’s easy to assume that we can’t change life because of factors outside of our control (other peoples reactions/responses) but I know this distracts me from the part I can change which is what is inside me.
Relationships with ourselves are forever evolving and one way to support this is to set standards that we don’t drop below of until emotions such as judgement, comparison or self doubt no longer come up and we can live more consistently the love that we are with ourselves and others around us.
The answer to all wars -“When we have each returned to our true relationship with ourselves, one that contains love and nothing else, then so too will our world be a reflection of that love”.
Brilliant blog Alexis. If all is a reflection what are we choosing to reflect?
It is our relationship with ourselves that does set everything else in motion and if we have in place a loving, appreciative and honouring relationship with ourselves then this is what will be there for us as we bring ourselves into the world and relationship with ours.
It’s so real and practical what you share Alexis, we can kid ourselves as much as we like but we can’t escape the truth that everything around us is a direct reflection of every thought and movement from with-in us. It’s an awesome moment when we understand, accepted and appreciated this as the truly golden opportunity to take responsibility for ourselves.
“When we choose to disconnect from ourselves we lose the ability to know how we are feeling because we are ‘not there’ to feel what we are feeling.” yes this is so true, when we do loose connection to ourselves we just open ourselves up totally to have other energies enter that are not us, but we think it usually is us, so we loose the ability to feel what is there to be felt.
I chose to disconnect from life at about 5 years of age when I noticed that the honesty I bought to all I met was not received by the masses. The openness and willingness to call a spade a spade at such a young age was met with much discontentment from the elders in my community. Many years later that little girl is living this same presence that is met with not as much resistance but an understanding now of how my relationship with myself is paramount to the foundation from which I can bring all that I am to another.
I never really liked maths at school but now see how the perfect equation for living life is from the connection we have with ourselves. It is from this equation of our bodies and our movements as one that we begin to unlock the true power of love, truth an feeling that circumnavigates up our lives and how we in turn interact and connect with it.
Caroline I have a similar marker for knowing when I am off and that is when I become irritated by another person shining their light, it’s a sure sign that I’ve switched mine off!
Judging others is a clear marker that I am not connected to myself in my livingness for when I am it is impossible to judge but have only love for myself and others.