Having children, parenting, the whole family equation, was not something I had given a lot of thought to, so when we had our daughter it was very much foreign ground for me. I felt I was either flying blind or treading water, learning as I went along. I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.
Although being a new mum, stopping was not something that happened often. Life was busy, fitting in being a mum, working, looking after the household and of course taking care of myself. It was often the taking care of myself part that kept creeping up on me: I felt it was really important not to lose myself in being a mother, that I still mattered and was worth taking time for. It seemed to be a trap that I could so easily fall into if I allowed myself, putting everyone else first, leaving what little time that was left for myself to get dressed, shower or eat.
I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.
So I kept it simple, picking a time to shower that allowed me the space to do so without rushing, whether that be with my daughter napping, playing quietly after a feed, or even set up on the bathroom floor watching me. It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.
I learned to become more aware of the quality I was doing things in, not rushing, avoiding the overwhelm and exhaustion, and to observe: was I with myself in that moment as I was doing something or was I already living one step ahead of myself and had already moved onto the next… my mind always thinking, “What’s next?”
By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter. An “A-HA” moment you could say – that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything.
I saw that If I chose to take responsibility for how I moved and the way I did things, then I had the choice to create a day that flowed or not. I allowed myself the space to not always get it right, to be open to and aware of my quality, and if I was present or distracted: was I simply ticking the boxes, or was I feeling what was needed in each moment and moving from that space?
Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me, and my openness and willingness to be responsible and build consistency with both myself and others.
Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved. I took the time to stop and feel how I allowed myself the space to eat a meal, to choose clothes and shoes that supported me, and truly accepting and loving myself for the woman I am. Without needing anything from her, my daughter was left to be herself, not having to fulfil any of my expectations, ideals or images I may have had of how I needed her to be for me.
We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.
We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time. It is here where our responsibility as a parent begins: it begins with ourselves and self-care, and from this we create our own road map in how to truly parent and support our children.
We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents. If we are not gentle, loving and accepting of ourselves, if we do not allow ourselves to feel how the choices we make impact on our body and everything around us, if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should or our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?
We will not always get it right, and we do not have to – we are human and make mistakes. Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.
By Nicole Serafin, 45, Woman, Self-employed Salon owner, wife and mother, Tintenbar, NSW
Further Reading:
From reactions and tensions, to harmony within the family
We are all role models
What is a Relationship with Myself?
This is a great road map for everyone to be responsible and loving with ourselves, and I loved the reminder about our impact on all those around us, we are always role modelling to others – including other adults.
Reading this
‘We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents. If we are not gentle, loving and accepting of ourselves, if we do not allow ourselves to feel how the choices we make impact on our body and everything around us, if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should or our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?’
I realised I feel this responsibility deeply and agree we are the role models for everyone. That what we say, do and behave affects everyone whether we want to be aware of this or not.
For example how I am with myself affects how everyone else is with themselves this is a massive interconnected science that we are not taught. And could it be that is why the world is in such disarray because no one is taking responsibility for the way they behave?
Our non-imposing quality along with the Loving boundaries we openly Live is and share with each other open our children and everyone else to a deeper way of Living the Truth of our Essences, Inner-most-heart / Soul.
“We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents” It is how we live and care for ourselves that all children are aware of and know what feels true and what does not.
When we feel complete and appreciate what we are doing and have done life delivers a deeper purpose and we are not caught up in the time restraints as you have shared Nicole.
Learning to Truly parent ourselves, so we do not impose on anyone else is our first port of call, as you have shared Nicole. And with our Loving reflection we do not have the need to do anything as others feel where our words are coming from.
If the world used a true parenting model there would be no war, very little mental illness, and far far better relationships around.
The current model we have does not work and has never worked
“We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.” we can get lost in so many things whether it is work, relationships when we don’t stop we can continue on a harmful momentum.
It is important to know and remember this fact, ‘We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time.’
In choosing to be responsive to what is needed without pictures of how parenting should be children are free to be themselves rather than feeling an obligation (and often resentment) to fulfil a pre-ordained role. A gift to all as the ripple effect of this way of parenting reflects deep levels of self care and love for everyone.
Society parents the wrong way round. We place our children and their needs before our own which is what I did in the early years of their lives and then wonder why we are left so exhausted or we go to work and feel so guilty for doing so that we shower them with money thinking that is the answer but really trying to cover up how we are feeling. Learning to address what supports me in the moment no doubt is supporting me and my family. Building the love I have for myself means I do not need anything from them to make me feel better and they and others can sense this, a very beautiful way to master with no perfection, to raise a family and be with others.
I love what you share in this comment Caroline, very beautiful, and so true.
Thank you Nicole, this is very wise.
Children love order so having rituals and rhythms really support them.
Like us it brings them the flow that we are all searching for.
We are the role models of the future germination – that is so correct. In a world of lies, corruption, violence, abuse and complete disrespect the need for role models who deeply care has never been greater.
I’ve just had my second child and I love how it feels like a whole new thing. The second is so different to the first and so needs to be cared for in a very different way. I have to appreciate the rawness I feel to just experiment and not get sucked into any methodologies.
When I see how little children react and behave there is absolutely no doubt for me that past lives are real, each child has their own personality and come already with so many traits. As a parent its important we read these traits and behaviours for what they are rather then writing them off and ignoring them.
Our responsibility is to not judge or override what is life lessons for all. There is much power and support in connecting and offering bucket loads of understanding.
I have been around parents and looked after children from the two different approaches, one that is of what you ‘should be doing’ as a parent and one where the parents are connecting and feeling what is needed in the next moment. The stark difference in how you can bring up children is very interesting but also fundemental to how the child is building it’s life and the foundations that they will stand on.
“If we are not gentle, loving and accepting of ourselves, if we do not allow ourselves to feel how the choices we make impact on our body and everything around us, if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should or our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?”
Well said Nicole we need to be truly loving with ourselves to be a real and true inspiration for our children.
If only we knew truly clocked how much everything we did effected and impacted on everyone else, we wouldn’t move.
The more we open up to having relationships and people in our lives, the greater the reflection we get back about the way we are living. This may explain the way we see people withdraw and isolate today – just a way of hiding from the truth and pretending everything is ‘ok’.
When we don’t take care of ourselves we are literally at the mercy of the world and everything and anything that needs to be done. when we do take care of ourselves I found there is this observation created that helps to feel what is needed at what time and when to take a moment for ourselves and so on. It is not just because our body needs care – it also creates a space for us from where to make loving choices in life for ourself and everyone else in our life.
Parenting at times can be a bit overwhelming and distressing; I mean, how many parents would have wished for an instruction manual. But alas, we do not get the manual that says, one size fits all and rightly so. What I now know about parenting is that the quality of how we look after ourselves is just as important as wanting the best for our children but not at our expense.
We don’t often give enough attention, validity or acknowledgement to the inner-knowing we all have access to. In developing a relationship with our connection to our body and being we then can connect to others and can feel with greater awareness what is true and what is needed in any given situation. When we focus on what feels true for all, what is ‘right’ or what we ‘should be doing’ owns us less and less allowing the presence and power of love to be the leading intelligence.
Beautifully put Nicole, for it is so wise to live beyond images and actually see the truth, as any image we impose on others leaves one to be blind of the truth (even though they choose it themselves). Whilst if we don’t pose any images or ideals, we leave one to feel themselves with what they are feeling.
There are so many ideals and beliefs that we can get caught up in on the merry go round of looking the part of being the great parent. When we stop to recognise that it all starts from within and the choices we make to be loving with ourselves we are than offered choices that bring the same quality to our parenting with no levels of perfection.
There are always people who want to readily give us advice about what we should and shouldn’t do when it comes to bringing up our children. But there is no one who knows better what to do than the parents when they give themselves the space to connect to themselves, their child and then feel what is needed.
True parenting requires us to delicately nurture and mother every moment, with tender care and support that a father brings. And so whether we have kids or not we are always guiding, letting go and supporting love to grow. Thank you Nicole.
Each child is so different coming with their different behaviour, their different ways of seeing the world, its only by getting ourselves out of the way that we can read in detail the best way to parent them.
“It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.”
Nothing can be more confirming than making the choice to nurture oneself and then sensing that space that opens up for this to be fulfilled.
This blog is quite revolutionary in what it offers. It has practical ways to care for yourself while you parent and breaks down a lot of the myths that surround being a mum. For instance, the idea of there being lots of space in your day is far from what most mums feel. I certainly felt like there was never any ‘me’ time, but I never made any time for me either, as I was caught in being the sacrificial 24/7 mum. The conscious choosing of a daily rhythm to include care for yourself feels key, as well as knowing you and your child deserve it.
“Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved.” what a beautiful example of parenting and one that inspires me further to deepen my love not only for me but to support myself in raising our daughter to be the amazing person she is.
Seeing everything and creating our own road map.. because there is no formula to parenting.
What a pressure a child must feel, if mom or dad is actually stressed underneath the skin and in fact only functioning. You can easily get the feeling of being too much for the parent and that you are not worth to be treated from a quality of love. So great how you describe your changes and revelations, that it is never about the task itself but the quality we are responsible for.
Parenting can be one of intuition and what we innately know or one that is based on doubt and constant second guessing. I know from my own upbringing when my parents spoke from their own lived experience and confidence it felt to be a true sharing not one of emptiness, and one that made sense
What children want, what we all want is to feel loved.
And this comes from a quality of movement, an emanation that holds and is beholding.
A beautiful sharing on parenting that allows us to feel and be in a flow with all that is presented to us” I learned to become more aware of the quality I was doing things in, not rushing, avoiding the overwhelm and exhaustion, and to observe: was I with myself in that moment as I was doing something “
What would happen if we treated our-self 24/7 like we were pregnant? Would our life change? What if this life was like an opening to bring a greater awareness so when we reincarnate we have gone through all the procedures needed for our next life in this life? Then are we not in the womb of God gestating away until we get enlightened by the truth of who we are.
The title of the blog brought me to a stop and caught my attention – ‘Parenting my First Child – Flying Blind or Creating my Own Road Map’. Although having no children, there was a familiar feeling of flying blind and always having to check with others to confirm that my choices were okay (ouch!) – there was no foundation of trust in my body to refer to at that time.
From participating in Esoteric Yoga sessions, and developing a strong and solid re-connection to my body and thus the innate stillness within was then possible. This re-connection re-built a deep awareness and trust of my body and the infinite inner wisdom therein. Our own road map, a blueprint of the truth of who we are energetically (multidimensional beings) is always there, to guide our way home to love and bring inner wisdom to all that we do in everyday life. Read more about Esoteric Yoga at http://www.unimedliving.com/yoga.
When our family feel our steadiness and consistency of connection to ourselves they can be supported and inspired to do the same.
What if it’s not just parenting that’s like this? What if our rhythm and the way that we move has the complete power to support all others too? And what if, we choose to rush and ignore, could that contribute to the mess that results in our world? It’s time we took stock and became willing to see that it’s our choice to embrace grace that effects everything. Thank you again Nicole.
Nicole – I just had a day with my daughter and nothing seemed to be easy. It didn’t flow, I got irritated, she was overtired. It was all too much. But reading your blog reminds me of the purpose of parenting and not getting in the way. Reflecting love back to children and knowing that they observe and feel so much.
Nicole; I have found from my experience that the most important thing for me about parenting is how I am – the quality in which I choose to live – am I being loving and caring of myself? If so then this is the quality in which I parent; ‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me,’
I’m not a parent as such but I work with kids every day and I love it, but the last week it’s really dawned on me that how I treat myself, how I care for myself, how I respect myself at home is something that is directly reflected to the kids in my lessons. You are right in that we are always role modelling, and it’s not just what we do in front of people, but what we do when we are on our own too.
Knowing that we innately know how to be if we connect and listen to our inner wisdom is very supportive.
“By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter.” Children are always aware of what is going on, they are so connected to what is happening around them. It makes so much sense that your daughter is learning from your reflection – I don’t think as adults we quite comprehend how wise our little ones are.
To share that children are all knowing is often shunned upon but what if we made this the norm. Could this possibly change the way we parent that comes from an equlaness than from the current model of ‘parents know best’.
To allow ourselves the space to learn, follow what feels true to use and take all the expectations away of what we ‘should’ be doing as opposed to just being present to the young that they are extraordinary just the way they are too.
What a great point, its our choice how we allow ourselves to learn or not – when to learn and what to learn – but learn as part of from our own inner knowing versus the reading a book and trying to remember.
‘We will not always get it right, and we do not have to – we are human and make mistakes. Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.’ We are not an ‘end result’ we are ”on our way’ – it is so important to cut the idea of ‘perfection’ and learn and live along the way according to the true impulses from our body. Taking responsibility is a great and empowering reflection for our kids.
‘…if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should live or how our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?’ yes, indeed. I’m seeing all the pictures I’ve subscribed to that I thought I would achieve that would make me happy and live a fulfilled life. Whilst watching a TV series and getting myself hooked this week I realise how deep these beliefs have run in my life.
Whilst feeling hurt as a child I craved company and looked to TV series where I liked the characters. They all seemed happy and got on so I thought if my life looked like theirs then my life would have love in it too. This completely ignored the fact that this was TV, it was actors with their own problems and unhappy families. But I clung to the stories and missed the gold that is always beneath our noses. What is in front of us is a perfect opportunity to evolve. So I’m going to feel all the seeming dullness I’ve tried to avoid through not just watching TV but trying to emulate what I’ve interpreted as successful on there and comparing my life in accordance to a vision that is false where the closest thing to this picture was what I considered success – as long as it looked good on the outside. This is where true appreciation restores us to ourselves and our truth.
A wonderful distinction that is made here – between ticking the boxes of parenting and actually sensing what there is next to be done, without self doubt or confusion – simply applying oneself to the task at hand with presence and commitment. This is beautiful parenting because it is fundamentally role-modelling how to be in this world without the drama of exhaustion dictating how life should or could be.
What don’t we know? Nothing.
Absolutely. But we have to be honest and say, that we often stick in the mud of pictures, ideals, recommendations from others, beliefs of how true parenting looks like. Pulling ourself peu a peu out of this mud and actually coming back to the authority of trusting in the universal knowing which gives you all the answers needed in every moment is a never ending process.
This responsibility for each and everyone of us is essential for us to support the next generation to be fully accepting and loving for who they are and not what they do or look like. I reflect back and can see how by not have those true reflections in my life the level of self-doubt and anxiousness was founded from that. Not feeling and know that I was totally amazing and everything that I ever needed to be.
There’s something to be said for the phrase ‘follow your nose’ in relation to parenting and creating our own road map. Trusting our senses is hugely important in developing a rhythm with our newly borns.
There is something about he nose that feels very intuitive, and it should be allowed to be developed, so it is not dismissed so easily.
When we are caring for others it can be tempting to forgo our own care and put the other first. When we do this though we lose some of our power and thus are not able to present them with the same quality of energy had we cared for ourselves first and allowed a continued deepening of care all round.
‘ I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.’ This is gold for all of us in life, something I’m doing more and more especially as there seem to be more things to do in the day. Responding to what is felt is really the only way, any other and I’m easily in overwhelm thinking about all there is to do or creating complication when what is needed is simplicity. Complication creates drama and takes up time. When I feel what there is to do then everything flows and completes.
As a father the way we parent comes loaded with the ideals of how to protect our kids, plus all the hurts of what did not work when we were raised. Through Universal Medicine and healing those hurts its great to experience how raising a child from one’s own inner knowing is both flying blind from society but being guided by the absolute truth.
The role of a parent offers much to a child, sometimes that is a great foundation, and sometimes no so great. The bottom line is when it is understanding of the child and the being that they are, there is a great foundation for that child on offer.
There was lots of advice given when I first had my children, I chose to listen to what felt true for me most of the time, ‘I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.’
It is far too easy to put ourselves last as mothers – but what is key here is the rhythm you established – setting up a foundation for how you are supporting your body. This is such a key ingredient in parenting as we are then a reflection of love to our family
Why is there this common instinct to leave ourselves at the bottom of the pile? As if somehow if everyone else is OK, then it does not matter the kind of abuse and disregard we have meted out on ourselves? And if our kids are not really listening to us per se, but more watching how we move and learning from that…. what role model are we presenting them with?
‘Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved. ‘ This is just beautiful. Often we forget our inner knowing and hand over to experts and confusion rather than be responsible for our connection with the inner wisdom of our inner heart.
It’s interesting that we often think we don’t know something if we’ve not studied or learned it from a book or lecture, so in that way, I can say I’m working things out as I go. However what strikes me most is that I do actually know and that when I listen to my body it’s not that I’m making things up but I’m listening to the wisdom of the universe.
In every moment we are offered an opportunity to deepen and evolve and what I get more awareness of in this moment is the truly loving and accepting myself as a woman and the awareness of what is on offer to deepen this love towards myself. Do I resist or do I say yes to all that is on offer that supports me to return to the love I already am?
A peal of wisdom from this article – ‘We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time. It is here where our responsibility as a parent begins: it begins with ourselves and self-care, and from this we create our own road map in how to truly parent and support our children.’
Sounds like some very cool advice to me!
Stunning Nicole – we spend so much of our lives pushing to get it ‘right’ – when all we ever need to do is surrender, accept and allow and live from what our body feels. All the self-help books in this world can’t communicate what our body knows.
A wise comment Joseph – ‘communicate what our body knows’.
This blog is relevant for everyone because whether we are parents or not we as adults are always reflecting something to the children around us that is either supportive or harming. The more of us who accept the responsibility we all have to raise children the easier it will be for the biological parents.
“Without needing anything from her, my daughter was left to be herself, not having to fulfil any of my expectations, ideals or images I may have had of how I needed her to be for me.” It is beautiful that when we actually do something that is often seen as ‘selfish’, we in truth give the other person space to just be themselves without expectations because we do not need anything from them to feel whole or content.
This has also been my experience myself of living more of myself in full, I am role modellling a woman open to learn and holding herself with more love….wow…”Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved.” We are role models to everyone, everyone is watching….so what are we choosing.
“We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling” So true, it is not so much what we say, we have placed way too much importance on that, but what we do and what we say on the inside that oozes out for all to feel that we have to be aware of. Children are super sensitive to what they feel and will tailor what they do and what choices they make to avoid judgement and being excluded – from their family, their culture, their community as much as their friends.
It is so easy to give your power away when you are faced with a new situation.
It helps to remember that we have a wealth of wisdom in our bodies from all the lives we have lived.
We have parented many children and been parented. Just the fact that we are still here producing babies shows we are doing something right.
Where we have gone wrong is trusting the “experts” too much.
When we can connect to our inner knowing our children can feel that connection too. That connection is the greatest gift we can “give” to a child.
Nicole you bring a great bridge to true parenting. Offering small steps to start the journey back from a place many of us have slipped away to. A place where we have chosen to live in disregard of what impact our movements have on another, especially our children who observe and learn from our every move.
Our parenting need not look the same as another to be classed as effective, only the amount of love and presence that we bring to our children and how supportive we are in helping them to move through life holding onto the truth of themselves, will be everything.
Nicole, I have found this with my son too, he can be greatly affected by how I am, this can come out in many ways and I can see with children how it can be easy to pass their unexpected/disruptive behaviour off as something wrong with them – them being naughty for example, rather than being aware that it could be a reaction to how we as parents/adults are being and what we are choosing; ‘By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter.’
No matter what our roles in life, putting ‘routines and rhythms’ in place truly supports us. From a steady foundation we are more equipped to meet what is before us. Trusting our innate knowing as you say is the way to go.
With a newborn in front of you it can feel like you’re flying blind (I remember that well), but right there already between us both are the end destination and the sat nav! powered by our loving quality.
Our road map of parenting, in each unique way, is important to realize that we have. To not compare or seek ideals and beliefs outside, but to trust that all our qualities and capabilities are inside. We need to honor our each way of unique parenting.
In this living example you are sharing that as children we are not expected to be perfect, we are allowed to make mistakes, we learn from them and keep moving on. We are supported by rhythm and self-care, that is a go to we can use whenever we need. And we are also learning together, parents are not perfect and we learn from each other too.
You cannot fool a child with appearances as from a new born they feel everything.
If what they are feeling doesn’t match the love they are they don’t like it.
“I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” This is the golden key. Looking outside of ourselves for the answers has never worked. Trying to live life by someone else’s map is very imposing to our natural inner knowing. We wouldn’t try telling an animal how to mother their young – they simply know how to do it instinctively. It’s the same for us. We just need to drop the doubt and trust what we feel.
Children are constantly watching us, I see it clearly in the games my children play, I hear what they say, how they are with the dog we have, they learn and mirror what they see reflected to them. It is an illusion to think that we do not impact on our children in this way, so what is the utility of life chosen?
Yes we need to not underestimate what we model. We see it as an endearing quality when our children are young and this blog is a reminder of the levels of responsibility we live daily is the marker of how our children develop their lives and contribute to others.
” I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” So true and so supportive to simply listen to all we feel and innately can know and trust without the impositions and doubt of what we are projected and fed in the current trend of parenting views and restrictions . There is another way for us all and that is very beautiful and expansive to feel and our children are the ones who benefit from feeling who we are and being presented with our love and consistency and level of responsibility.
Childrens clairsentience makes them very aware of the energy around them and so as parents we need to take more responsibility for how we are and the quality we do things in as this can have a big impact on our children’s behaviour.
Yes indeed. I am finding that children make me accountable for my behaviour and as such I have to be so much more aware of how I do things as it has a much bigger ripple effect that I had chosen to acknowledge.
I’ve come to appreciate that its only when I fly from my inner knowing with parenting and don’t listen to what ideals say I should be doing that I truly fly and true parenting takes place. That said I do need a solid reflection of truth when I get stuck, not to tell me what to do but to help break down the ideals I may have picked up over lifetimes of what parenting is all about.
It is so true we can create our own maps for many roles and situations in life when we follow the innate wisdom of our sixth sense and the inner heart.
It is so true that we are feeling everything in our homes when we are children growing up, so how we hold ourselves as men and women can influence how they feel about themselves.
There is a huge pressure around parenting and a lot of ideals and beliefs that come with it. It can be hard to break out of these as they are quite thick across society as is the judgement that comes from others. But in essence we do know what is needed in each and every moment for our children, it is when we doubt this that we wobble and the knock on effect is that our children wobble too.
Nicole of all the parenting advice I’ve had this one is at the top of the list “We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.” Something for every parent in the world.
I don’t think we can emphasise enough the importance of paying attention to the quality with which we do things and how we can either exacerbate raciness, rush and/or overwhelm or make space to enjoy so many moments in the day.
If we put ourselves in the shoes of the children being brought up and having parents that are there supporting them to be all of who they are by them honouring what they know is true from what they feel. Not by following the books that tell you how to parent then it will be a completely different experience. The parents are meeting themselves in what they feel and then they can meet the children with the same quality. How precious is that.
Well said Nicole. If one generation does not choose to start to make them change then who will? It is purely irresponsible to leave it up to the next generation to do so when the way we parent them now has a ginormous impact on how they will be in the future.
This article is so refreshing. I love your honesty and transparency. We can’t be perfect in any aspect of life, but we can hold an awareness that allows us to approach life in a certain way and in a certain quality. We are always learning and life is an unfolding.
What’s beautiful to know is even with big things like parenting we have all the skills and qualities we need to do a good job, it is just about embracing and embodying them.
Yes, I agree Michael, letting ourselves realise the quiet inner knowing we have that has us more than equipped for whatever it is we are doing is very confirming and confidence building.
When we trust ourselves and let our bodies lead the way (as opposed to the mind) everything is quite simple.
Amazing to hear how you parent and how this unfolded for you and so good that you looked after you and gave yourself space to be when needed, as you say when we truly look after ourselves this immediately supports the all.
Our children watch what we do much more then listen to what we say. This means that our own way of life is what will educate them most. Would we not want our children to love, cherish and nurture themselves deeply?
What a beautiful role model adults give to children when they are nurturing of themselves. The child learns we are all worth taking deep care of and that care of another is not at the expense of oneself because that impedes the care of all concerned.
” An “A-HA” moment you could say – that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything. ” This is a beautiful A-HA for the way we express affects everyone . The way we walk ,the way we breath , the way we talk, the way we sing, the way we eat and so on, all rubs off on everyone else, as all the way we are, is the livingness we present to everyone in the world.
We often look for the guide book or the advice of experts when rearing children and don’t stop to make note that the body of intelligence is there to guide and support us along the way.
The choice to bringing this without perfection and judgement is the sure way of riding the road of parenthood.
I could read this again and again, Nicole, as a model of how to remain true and honour the woman rather than reduce ourselves to only becoming the mother.
I love this Fiona… being open to gathering information but never losing connection with our innate knowing and never making decisions or choices in absence from the latter.
‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived…’ this is a brilliant point of inspiration, in that if we are not actively, lovingly and responsibly parenting ourselves we are ill equipped to parent anyone else.
I was told when I had my first child to look at all these books, I don’t know how I was supposed to read them with a new baby…but that is not the point here. I did take a glimpse inside some of those books, and they all said something different, but much of it was the suggestion to get your baby to fit into a routine, not their rhythm, or yours but the books…a big clue there…the truth is we know, you, the baby connect and you develop a plan together, if we stay responsive to what is being shared by each other.
We really do ourselves and others a disservice when we go through life on autopilot or locked into a role that we say is us and then don’t bother to check in with ourselves and how we are travelling because we place the role as way more important than us.
There are so many roles and events we can loose ourselves in – by no means just being. a Mum, although this is one. Like a train that takes off without us realising, suddenly we can find ourselves stranded going ‘how did I get here?’ ‘ how did I forget to take care of me?’. What you share Nicole is a great reminder that our consistent destination needs to be ‘Nurturing Central’. For with this support whatever comes is sure to be solid and healthy.
Gosh, Nicole, revisiting this blog reminds me how important it is for this wisdom to be accessible to all, as it would have made the world of difference to me if I had understood the importance of caring for myself as a young mother.
I have found it incredible in the past when nannying and how the parents have totally dis-empowered themselves by what they doctors said, what the boos said or what their parents said. They all knew that they had a knowing of what was needed to be done in a certain moment but overrode this because they doubted themselves. We are taught from a young age not to honour what we feel so it is no coincidence that when you are older we can only follow what you are told.
I don’t have children, but I love watching children and love how curious they are of life. Stand next to adults talking with a child present and you’ll see that they are looking around, interested in the world, taking it all in, seeing and feeling everything. In these moments we hear the wisdom of what they have to say – “Out of the mouths of Babes”
My experience has taught me that we know the truth of how to parent, of how to raise and support out children its just the society beliefs and pressures that mean we don’t listen to and respond to what is really needed for our kids.
I love how you’ve nurtured your daughter’s sense of who she is and the responsibility and joy of this. How you are with you reflecting love and care of oneself, that she will see and experience and, by not imposing any needs you have of her, she gets the freedom to feel who she is unimposed upon by another. This allows her a greater opportunity to know a relationship by its quality and know what it feels like when many relationships in life don’t have this quality but come with a demand. Very beautiful.
If each of us is different in our own expression yet the same in essence it makes sense that each child might need to be met in a different way. That does not mean not lovingly offering limits and boundaries for them to be supported by.
” I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” A beautiful sharing on parenthood with the love and care we have for ourselves first in a consistency presence and rhythm being the basis for all our parenting and life.
Rhythms and rituals can support a whole family to flow, a whole workplace, relationship, project and anything that involves people.
‘I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything.’ yes when we don’t have a rhythm and routine for ourselves as a foundation we can end up frazzled from trying to do everything with no base to support or to come back to.
Also, this routine supports children to connect to the ease of working in a flow that lends itself to environments outside the family home.
“I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” This takes great courage to do , as we only have ourselves to blame if we make a mistake. However, when we realise it is through trial and error that we grow our wisdom of experience, it becomes a point of personal power to make this inner choice to listen, read and understand each situation from our own conscious presence.
Very wise words from a woman who is living her talk. Starting with awareness to what you have shared and then building consistency with it, is a great first step to parenting responsibly, we can then offer our children a true reflection to observe.
There is so much pressure on mothers and fathers getting it right, and this can come from many different areas of our lives, from magazines, society pressure, other mothers, our parents and other family members – the list is endless, and so is the pressure. There seems to be so much advice out there that people have lost their confidence that they will know what is best for their child and to go with that. Instead, we are always drawn to listen to someone else who may not even know our children.
I love that you talk about not having to ‘get it right’… this is a momentous bit of myth busting for the ideals and pressure to achieve perfect parenting.
It is very true that all of us are parents whether we have our own biological children or not. We are role models for all the children we come across. The question then needs to be – what quality of role model do we want to be? To dismiss ourselves as not having any responsibility over children that are not our own is a cop-out. Children are asking for the reflection of truth, and it is the lack of this that then leads to the increasing rates of abuse and self-abuse that is now, sadly, very common in our societies.
I was speaking with a young mum the other day and she felt the same that she was flying blind and at times did not feel supported. As others have shared in the comments we are innately wise and know it is just a case of re-connecting to this and trusting what we feel, I guess it is just a case of wanting this to be confirmed back to us by someone.
We can only have time for what we need if we create the space to have it.
If we think we have no time for us during the day because we have so much to do, let’s trick our mind… why not starting by adding our self-care to our list of tasks (in the first place of it) and see what happens? Why not exploring it, as well as the way our relationships unfold from that point?
Such great wisdom shared here Nicole. A point that really stood out was how truly loving, honouring and nurturing it is for a child to be met by a parent that is free from needing the child to be a certain way to fulfill the parent’s needs. In honouring who we are first, we are then able to meet any child with a quality that honors who they are, so they are confirmed and free to explore who they are, and living with the confidence of truly knowing themselves is fostered.
How we are in every moment every day affects us and those around us – this is a big responsibility to accept and then to live this in a loving way for self and all.
“I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.” When I had my son I felt like everything was thrown in the air and I struggled to have any kind of rhythm of self care in my life – it was like I got consumed by the everyday aspect of caring for a little one. In the mornings I sometimes had one choice – either have breakfast or a shower, most mornings neither happened unless someone else was around to help. Partly this was because my son was reacting to something in my breast milk and spent the whole day and night crying with little to no solace other than being carried upright. It could be said that this can throw off your rhythm, and it sure did contribute to this, but most importantly I felt there was no rhythm I had set solidly to care for myself first, and I feel this is what challenged me the most. Thankfully over time, I have learned that I am just as important as my son, the family and work etc – in this I have learned to hold a rhythm that supports me! What a learning!
Thank you for sharing this Henrietta; I am sure that many of us feel like this when we are first time parents and it is definitely all too common for us to abandon ourselves in the process of putting our child’s needs first. As the significant role models in our children’s lives, it is really important that they are living alongside people who take loving responsibility for themselves… so much is learnt through observation.
The ideal of right and wrong is so damaging in our way of living. There is no right and wrong and so it is important to always feel what is true in any moment and not work to what has simply become a socially accepted construct.
It is so true that we do have to forge our own way… But until we know ourselves it simply must be that we are flying blind.
It feels like we are never truly blind as when we allow all is given to us in every moment for what we need however this does mean letting go of picture based on ideals and beliefs and allowing a trust in what we feel.
‘I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything.’ – a great piece of advice that holds true throughout our life. We can’t truly support or care for another if we are not already doing that for ourselves first. Developing our rhythm, one that truly honours where we are at, supports us throughout our day to day with a solid loving foundation.
Everything and everyone in life is a wonderful reflection for each of us… from our children to our animals, our colleagues, people passing us in the street, the butterfly that flies by at just the right moment… all offer us opportunities to learn, to grow and evolve – even if the interaction may appear ‘negative’ there will always be something to learn about ourselves.
Beautifully said Paula – reflections abound and are one of our best ‘teachers’ should we choose to tune into this and ‘use’ it for the opportunity that is present.
Our children are incredible reflections for us to learn and grow… they can show us how we can be if we so choose, and they can also reflect to us how we are in life, which can be an ouch but it brings an honesty to our relationship with ourselves.
Parenting is hands down one of the greatest responsibilities there for us to embrace, a responsibility that is not limited to those with biological children, for we are all exposed to children. Just today I was speaking to a man who has just completed work placement as a primary school teacher. He said it was much tougher than he imagined dealing with all the different personalities and dealing with the lack of parenting from home in effect. Some children arrive to school without having had breakfast, others are allowed to roam the streets each night for as long as they please. This sharing was another confirmation of the importance of us playing an active role in children’s lives.
I remember at the time of having young children that I was caught up in the busyness of playing mum, rather than ensuring that my children received a reflection of true self-care. In a way I have learned this at the same time as my daughters have growing up, and it is never too late to reflect this to one another.
It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation. This does make all the difference doesn’t it Nicole, giving ourselves space to do what is needed instead of running on the nervous tension that we put our bodies under when we are running with our heads. The tension makes us feel overwhelmed and not equipped for what is there to be done.
A beautiful understanding of true parenting for ourselves and our child/children everywhere with the awareness that we all feel everything and the quality of everything really makes all the difference . Our responsibility of being a role model is not really something we are brought up to see but simply makes sense in our lives from this clear understanding of the role energy plays that effects us all as well as the importance of living the lightness and joyfulness we all are.
‘We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time.’ Very true. This is why they offer such a good reflection of how we are in ourselves.
Parenting is about reading what a child needs and delivering it through unwavering love and truth.
Absolutely Nicole, and not to be hard on ourselves for making those mistakes, but choosing to see that it is our choice of the quality that we connect to thereafter that changes things.
Being who we truly are is the greatest gift and greatest support we could offer anyone. It means we are totally unimposing, totally understanding and bring no emotion or self investment on the person being a certain way for us. What could be sweeter than that?
What a great offering for any parent on finding your own way, and the immense difference being truly you can make to your child.
When we allow ourselves what is truly needed in any moment all is taken care of.
Nicole, your blogs about parenting can be read as a guide for everyone, not only at the time when we are parenting young children as actually we never stop parenting. The blogs are a guide for how to live with ourselves in a way that is true and loving. Like this one: ‘I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.’ This applies for anyone who struggles with the demands of everyday life.
That’s it Elizabeth, the moment we take responsibility for the quality we live in, we are parenting ourselves, taking care for others, our children, will come with and from this love and care. Parenting is natural in us all.
‘…Flying Blind or creating my Own Road Map, can be applied to many situations and opportunities and a source of inspiration for myself as I approach a new project. Thank you.
There’s many a time we feel we have to seek outside of ourselves for guidance. The truth is we are wise and all knowing beyond our own imagination.
Well said Kehinde. It is through living in our own connection that we are given all that we truly require.
I love how the way that you take care of yourself leaves your daughter free to be herself. Just gorgeous.
Raising a child totally begins with self-care. This is s great sharing that presents the truth of parenting. Scrap the ‘how to’ books – this is all about how to be – as a reflection for them to observe and learn from.
‘It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.’ This is well said ‘including oneself in the equation’ is essential and supports children to grow feeling it is normal to have self worth.
We are so powerful! To be aware of how we move and whether we choose to have a day that flows or not is inspiring. I certainly know when I’ve created complication and set myself up and still sometimes fall for the follow up which is being a victim and blaming others when I’d created it all. Now to observe how quality allows space and connecting with the flow to begin a true appreciation of Divinity flowing through us.
It is so cool when we listen to what we innately know is true for us. How we do really know what we need and how this is supported by us honouring and making these choices.
When I first had kids, I read a few parenting books which generally made me feel inadequate and more concerned. As you say, Nicole, finding our own way with parenting and building confidence in what we feel is needed and is a worthwhile process.
I love reading your blogs about parenting Nicole. Although I do not have children they make perfect sense, we have all been children and parented ourselves after all.
With all the demands of motherhood these are very supportive words Nicole: keep it simple, allow yourself space and do things without rushing.
‘By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter. An “A-HA” moment you could say – that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything.’ So true Nicole , we have immediate reflections in our children….and everything around us.
I remember with my first child, so many people suggested different books I should read or use as a guide to inform my parenting, I was at times bamboozled, I realised some where along the way that I needed to choose how to parent for myself and that I would live and die by that and learn from it. I neglected my inner knowing for too long and began listening to what I felt was true, I am still learning what this means for myself and my children, no perfection required, but being constant and standing by what we feel is true is a great start.
It would be useful once in a while to stop and look at the way we are living and ask “is this exactly how I would like my child to be living, the same thoughts and the same beliefs and the same issues? If the answer is no, then we need to ask why are we continuing doing it in our own lives.
Nicole, this sentence for me, should be in bold, as so many of us to try to twist, mould and generally re-configure our kids into our pre-conceived ideas about who we believe they should be. Hardly ever are they simply encouraged to be themselves. When they are left to their own devices this tends to be as a result of an image that the parents hold about ‘free parenting’, which is simply a sneaky picture.
It is the love that we hold ourselves in that enables another to feel held and loved.
Another gold nugget Alexis. It is not what we do, but how we are that enables another feel supported and loved.
‘And included myself in the equation’, it’s when we start to include ourselves, our real selves and not our projected selves that life really starts to shift. It’s by including ourselves, almost like an additional person that we are taking care of that life starts to transform and the better care we take of ourselves, the more life transforms.
I would have benefited so much from reading this as a young mum. There is so much being offered here about the importance of honouring ourselves as women first and foremost before we step into the role of being a mother, which does not generally get taught in ante-natal classes.
We are always learning, even when we are parenting… and for me it has been one of the biggest learning times I have ever had.
I have also encountered the plethora of advice and education about parenting that is out there, much of it very conflicting and confusing. I have realised with time and experience that the best thing I can do as a parent is to stay present in the moment and really sense what is needed for my children and for myself and the harmony of the whole family at any given moment or situation. This wisdom comes from within me from that connection and is not based on knowledge I have learnt or acquired from outside.
I found one book super helpful with my baby, I am not up on medical things and I found it supportive to look at different ways of sleeping, feeding etc I had no other mums around me or family. For the most part I followed our unfolding path, I definitely steered clear of theories – of which there are plenty!
We can have ideals and beliefs about our role as parents but in my view our biggest task is to listen to our children and they will tell us all we need to know about parenting
True Carmel, we can learn a lot from children and adults if we take the time to listen rather than stick to our pictures and ideals.
Realising just how sensitive children are and how much they sense from those adults around them means that they are effectively reflecting to us how we are.
Ariana, I love how you describe ‘parenting ourselves’, when I treat myself with the firm loving guidance of a parent, i.e. to not stay up late, eat nourishing food, dress warm enough for the cold weather etc., I feel far better equipped to deal with my day than if I don’t.
We can care for our children in equal measure to caring for ourselves. If we do not care for ourselves then we are not prepared to care for others.
Brilliant Nicole, time + tasks so often = stress and pain. Parenting seems to be one of those huge life events that highlights this equation. But ironically it’s the children that have something important to show us. They never live in the future or the past, they don’t hold onto old hurts, they live in the moment enjoying how they feel right now. If we did this more, would we forget to include ourselves in our day the way that we do? We certainly all deserve to be treated lovingly, just like a young child.
“It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.” If we do not take care of ourselves, ‘include our self in the equation’, then who are we bringing to the ‘equation’ and filling the time?
I would love to have had this insight when I embarked on parenting for the first time. And along with the physical preparation for pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, I would have realised the opportunity to deepen my relationship and honesty with myself as the foundation for all that lay ahead. Very cool to consider and offer this as the opportunity to prepare and be responsible for one of the most awesome jobs int he world.
In being a great and true parent. For me I would say that looking after me and self caring has been the greatest gift I have offered my daughter in parenting her. It’s given me the ability to clearly feel, deeply love, truly understand, caringly suppory and also hold boundaries.
‘We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.’ in life there are so many roles and things that are there to pull us out or get lost into such as parenting,being a mother, a father, a business worker, a son or daughter and do in. When we focus on the role, we quickly forget to even consider ourselves or to remember that we need to make space for this. The more we build our inner communication and awareness of where we are at and how we are, then our quality beautifully deepens to everything we do or whom ever we are with.
I have the utmost respect and appreciation for (new) mothers – the physical and hormonal changes, the birth and after effects, and the days, weeks and months following operating on little sleep. It is not easy. Taking time for yourself, when you can, is hugely important.
Allowing ourselves space as parents is vital, I can feel if we try and run to someone else’s schedule or what we perceive to be the right thing to do, we loose ourselves. When we offer ourselves space it is how we are in life, not what we do, we still care for others but we do not bend ourselves over backward and harm ourselves in the process.
And it’s so important for us to consciously make and create this space for ourselves as parents, simply because there are other littler people there relying or even demanding from parents.
“I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” The same here, what I felt and feel when raising our daughter.
By the fact that many turn to the outside for the answers rather than just in an inquisitive way to look for possible tools to how they feel to address certain things as a parent – it just goes to show how disconnected we are from our innate knowing as a society.
“I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.” It is the space in which we surrender to, that then creates space for us to support ourselves and our next movements thereafter. It is in these movements to support ourselves that we begin to see life about the grander picture and one that not only includes us as equally as important as another but holds all equally within that space too.
It is far more wise and responsible to take a moment to read and sense what is required according to what the moment is showing us, than following some ideal, dictation or belief which are always based on something in the past.
As you express Nicole we are our children’s role models, they observe and feel everything, therefore if we treat ourselves with any form of disregard then that is what they are seeing. On the other hand, if we are consistently committed to truly caring for ourselves in all ways and this was simply a natural part of our daily rhythm then they are seeing that this is the way to be. “I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter ….that how I was with me impacted on everyone and everything.”
‘…included myself in the equation…’ is really key in caring for and being with people, only then there can be balance and steadiness without living on anyone´s costs.
The world is changing! We are coming out of the time of; it has always been done this way, era. Not because it was right, just because! There is another way to raise our children as you have said Nicole by taking responsibility for our selves and a way we live our life that is a foundation our children can build their lives upon.
Knowing that parenting is not just something we do but more so something we reflect to our children is a game changer. It makes sense that our quality is felt first by our children, and by everyone else equally, so that our quality of living becomes important and not so much the words we say and the things we do. Feeling how someone else lives is the most inspiring thing in the world, be it positively or negatively.
This is such a true point Leigh that you bring up about reflection. For reflection is really the only thing we are always offering everyone.
Every day offers a new beginning to parenting my children so if I felt I held back, didn’t listen to myself or as yesterday evening I wanted to be in control and not allow my daughter to have a go at something because of my issues I know next time that I will have another opportunity to re-imprint. Being open to what is true in every moment is key.
Another great sharing Nicole. Young mothers and Parents to be will gain much from your shared experiences.
You are a true role model Nicole Serafin, thank you.
We only have to meet people for all of them with all of us. No trying, no forcing, no struggle, no compromising, no calibrating, no compartmentalising. Sounds like a lot of things not to do but really think about all the energy that goes into DOING all these things!
A lovely sharing Nicole, and how amazing and supportive is it for us to be with our bodies and what we are doing one thing at a time, and at the same time when I feel this is happening there is many deeper forms of presence we can allow within ourselves which see the joy, wonder and understanding of life.
The other beautiful thing about parenting is that you get to realize that it is not about being a certain age as children can also parent us right back too! Such wisdom that can come from such young bodies is very humbling, and shows me how we can all learn from each other!
“We would be wise to remember that children are constantly watching, observing and feeling, even if we think they aren’t, and that no matter how young they may be, they are constantly feeling everything all the time.” – We are role models at all times – we are being noticed all of the time, so the question is what kind of role model do you want to be? One that teaches children that we are not worth caring for OR one to inspire a child that we are all equally important and all equally worthy and valued? This can be hard to live when we have not realised our own self worth, and so it is an opportunity to begin this and keep deepening this as I discovered after having my son!
Nicole, I can certainly relate to the fact that as a new parent there is a real pull to put oneself as second or third or forth – last essentially! …it’s like it is selfish to look after yourself and certainly to take the time to do so and to enjoy it too! As mothers we are almost expected to put everyone else’s wellbeing first, where as it is actually equal in importance – it is paramount that we learn to value ourselves just as much as the precious bundles that we bring in and just as much as our partner, family and friends. This in itself is a big learning!
Stopping to feel what’s needed in the moment we are facing – this is key in everything we are doing.
Indeed it is a draining trap to lose ourselves in roles such as parenting or caring for others. It is so important that we care for ourselves so we can care for others.
Nicole, I hope you are writing all of this in a book, as your experiences of true parenting are gold to be shared with all young parents.
‘I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.’ – such a beautiful reminder for us to trust in our own wisdom. When something is new to us, it makes sense that we want to do the best job we possibly can. But, in truth, as you share, we don’t need to look outside ourselves for this information, we implicitly know exactly what is needed in any moment, just by listening to the wisdom being shared from our own precious body.
One of the really cool things about parenting is that there is no manual for it, well there are thousands of books and manuals on the topic but every child is different and every situation is different so not one will be written to explain how to care, nurture and support your child or baby, it really is a task you have to learn from feeling or reading what is right for your baby.
It is beautiful to realise that the quality we bring to how we live ourselves, down to the tiniest detail, has a direct effect on our children. We can support them far more through our own choices to self love than through following any of the ‘how to parent’ books available.
Alexis, I can relate to what you share. As a live-in carer working with a new client with complex needs, not until I established a solid routine and rhythm for myself was I able to fully support her and myself.
It is a common story of women putting themselves last in the equation of looking after everyone else and then feeling overwhelmed and at times resentful – what has been presented here totally turns that on its head.
If ever there was a textbook for true parenting, you could be the author Nicole. I agree that there was never a parenting book that made sense to me either, as they all seemed to be too specific, as if all children are the same and have the same needs, which could not be further from the truth. And when we take the time and responsibility to take deep care of ourselves first (which goes against the typical ‘martyr mom’ tendency to take care of everyone else first till they drop or get exhausted or ill) it gives other parents and children a chance to see how they can do the same.
‘…setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur…’I can so relate to this. If I don’t do things for myself then it feels like I’ve lost my footing on a treadmill – if you’ve ever seen Bill Murry in Lost in Translation it’s like that only not as funny!!
The simplicity in this is super powerful and you can apply it to any part of our lives ‘It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.’. With this as your default mode life does a u turn and things become a lot more clearer.
Parenting through ideals or outcomes is a dangerous relationship to build with children – how can you treat every child the same when they are all different, or parent based on a model that’s designed by institutions who have not met your child and are out to make profits? Gambling the upbringing of our kids leave gaps for many consciousnesses and expectations to affect their quality of wellbeing.
It’s great reading the accounts of people who have chosen in challenging situations to deepen their personal relationship and care of themselves as a way of ensuring they are stable and steady, and able to connect to and draw on the inner awareness and wisdom we each have access to if we choose it.
It shows how and why during those moments when I was chasing answers outside of self I seemed to feel less and less steady and confident and more and more needy and disempowered.
It is without a doubt that making a rhythm for yourself – a self loving rhythm is essential in supporting our selves and our families.
If we are connected to ourselves, we will be connected to our kids and we will know how to parent them, as we will be able to feel what is needed. When my kids were young I was so disconnected from my body I had no sense of who they were and what they needed this only changed when I re-connected to my body. Our body holds the wisdom of parenting, not the books we read.
That A-HA moment with your child was colossal – That your own way of being impacts every single aspect of your own life but also those of your family and beyond. A valid and crucial life science lesson for everyone.
The best way to inspire another is by living in a way that reflects who we are. This by its very nature then reflects to another a way of living that they can also choose. Beautifully demonstrated here.
So true, Shirley-Ann – “honouring me IS honouring everyone else”. It took me a long time to come to terms with this truth, as I was so accustomed to the notion that this was selfish. But the quality of living true to oneself is a gift for all, as you say.
Beautiful, Nicole. What a blessing it has been for your children to observe you as someone who does not become just ‘the mother’ but remains ‘the woman’ in honouring her own rhythm and flow no matter what.
‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body…’ How many parents consider this as the priority, rather than making the child everything at the expense of their body? I expect only a few. It makes complete sense what you share – and by flipping the equation you show that parenting is something that can be sustained without stress, anxiety and exhaustion.
We are slowly changing the way we raise our next generation by treating them and everyone with the same respect and love with the way we treat ourselves. We did not get to the state we are currently in overnight, but the first step has been taken to return to the truth of who we are.
I felt it was really important not to lose myself in being a mother, that I still mattered and was worth taking time for.’
Many new mothers struggle with this, balancing taking care of baby with care of themselves. And the scales usually tip towards baby and woman gets neglected. What you share supports us to see the value of equally honouring and nurturing both roles.
Nicole I love what you have shared about raising your daughter as it seems to be more easily and more joyful to do it your way as in the way I saw it with other mothers. To be honest all this to do’s and have and must do’s around being a mother and motherhood was always what puts me off. Therefore this life time I chose to be not a mother. But with what you have shared opens up a door to the possibility to be a mother in my next life. And perhaps you are inspiring younger women who where similar to me to be more interested in motherhood in your way.
There is a quality of never give to yourself but give all to your child mentality in the mother consciousness, so no doubt it is so easy to lose ourselves. Calling that out and being aware of this brings us back to the truth that we as mothers and parents deserve to be cared for and when we do that for ourselves we bring a deeper care to our children.
It is beautiful how you describe parenting yourself for if you don’t take care of and parent yourself how can you take care of anyone else?
Hear hear – so it is.
Exactly so – with our selves first, as that will then spill over into everything we do and come into contact with.
‘Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved. ‘ Nicole, this is pure gold. It’s also a quality that whatever roles we are doing in our day we can bring the quality of ourselves first, the connection to the love within, the connection to the grandness that can come through us for us all to feel loved and held.
The things we fly blind into are often the most magical and the things we know tend to get complicated and ‘heady’ due to our obsession with control and knowledge.
A brilliant reminder that there’s no ‘off’ switch on Responsibility when it comes to being a parent. It also holds true for any adult who has contact with children. All our actions, movements and words are clocked and logged, evidenced in those often memorable moments of guffaw when we realise our so-called bad habits, sayings or characteristics have just been expressed back to us in miniature form. That’s the fun part, but it’s also serious business. We are the role models of our future adults in the most ancient form of Talent Management and Succession Planning known to man – and we forget our responsibility in this at great cost to future society.
I am also amazed sometimes how much space and time opens up in my day when I stay consciously present with my body and feel what is the next thing to be done.
By including ourselves in the equation of all our responsibilities we bring the rhythm and quality that makes the space for our day to flow.
It is super supportive that you gave yourself the space to feel not only what your daughter needed but also what would support you as well as allowing yourself ‘to not always get it right’. As a new mother it amazed me how everyone had an opinion about what I should be doing with my daughter and although I could often clearly feel what she needed I found the constant stream of suggestions/advice could get to me if I was feeling tired or overwhelmed. The way you are choosing to parent is such an awesome reflection for all parents and caregivers.
“that how I was with me impacted on everyone, and everything.” What a great life lesson to know and to live from.
I very much agree, how we are and how we treat ourselves has an enormous impact on our children and everyone around us.
Yes Nicole the quality of our relationship with ourselves is of paramount importance as this is the role modelling our children pickup on.
Yes I agree this is probably the greatest thing that children learn from their parents – the quality of the relationship we have with with ourselves as parents which then impacts on our relationships with others including our children and this can either be a thing that holds our children back in life as they grow up or it can be a wonderful head start and inspiration.
Very true, kids learn non-stop from what they see so if they see their parents neglecting themselves that’s ultimately going to contribute to their own future relationship with themselves.
Rituals, routines, rhythms – give me space for the rest of my life to flow and when I drop these, then my day immediately becomes about time and tension. The difference is palpable
This is so beautifully said Otto – these rituals, routines and rhythms are key in giving our day a flow, and so they are applicable in all areas of our life really. They are the things that support us and give us the space to feel what is needed next. Thank you for this great reminder and inspiration to consolidate my rituals and rhythms in order to support me more in times when I feel so limited with the space I have created!
‘I felt it was really important not to lose myself in being a mother, that I still mattered and was worth taking time for. ‘ This is a fabulous piece of advice for any new mum.
For any child to feel the steadiness of another is the true gold in which they can feel met and loved. No amount of toys will last the length of time that this interrelation holds the child in.
Nicole, this article is great to read. I can feel how I often think that there is not enough time to do the things I need to because I am with my son and so I love how you are sharing that if we put ourselves in the equation and feel what is needed then there is plenty of time.
I don’t have any children but reading this blog has totally inspired me to have time for me. I have been working lots and being really busy and I suppose likwise the same with having children I have tended to put myself second…. though I can feel there is a change coming here and reading your blog this morning is perfect timing.
Most see parenting as something we do as a set of chores but what if our quality is the most important? How we move through the day, how we organise things, how we care for ourselves and the baby etc.
I love that you describe parenting from a quality perspective – the quality of how you care for yourself and the quality in which you do everything that then becomes a role model for all the children
‘Our daughter could feel the steadiness that was being lived, and the love and appreciation I was developing for myself supported her to feel held and truly loved’. Very true Nicole and relatable to many fields of work. I work as a carer and
and know my quality supports my client in the same way you describe.
Nicole, the steadiness you’ve built for yourself comes through in your writing. I felt held and supported as I read in the way, I’m sure, your child does. Parenting is often sold as something we do for children, not how we are with ourselves. This article breaks the mould and shows the importance of self care and having routines, and rhythms in place for ourselves.
When I am not myself I notice big time that how I am with myself affects everything especially my relationship with my husband and children. I am beginning to see and acknowledge that even though I may not bring money into the home that how I am with myself sets the foundation for the whole family, a responsibility that I have made light of in the past due to the lack of self worth and acceptance of who I truly am.
It’s super-important for women in particular to apply the ‘oxygen mask’ theory to life: support yourself first before your child / co-workers / employees / organisation / family / friends. Not doing so results in compromise, exhaustion and ill health.
I’ve not raised a child but I can certainly relate to the ‘life as a blur’ phenomenon. The principles outlined here apply equally to all situations and roles.
In our society in general we need to educate young people about the role of being a parent – that ‘having kids’ is not just something you ‘do’… its a responsibility, a commitment and dedication to bringing, supporting and evolving another human being in the world. And reincarnation would need to be in the picture too… as our young may be the ones looking after us in old age and or potentially those we come back to as our parents!
This is a powerful read Nicole of how parenting can truly be. It brings the honesty and responsibility, commitment and dedication to the role of being parents, and whether we have children or not, as adults we still need to set boundaries and ‘parent’ the children around us.
“….if we do not live without conditions, ideals, beliefs and images of how we should or our life should be, then how can our children or any child grow up and live who they truly are?” – absolutely, it is for a child to know its own truth via our own… for what we are, we reflect to all in its entirety.
So true Michelle and Nicole. For only what we develop in ourselves and really embody – can we then share that and that quality with others.
I think that if we as adults truly knew just how much children observe (and it’s without judgement) that we would automatically be far more responsible for how we were. On some level we do know this though – as I feel like this is the reason why control can play a part in parenting or even professions such as teaching. If there’s control over a child, they tend to not freely express and adults are not exposed to just how much the children are reading, seeing, feeling and are aware of.
I have certainly observed adults try to control the expression of children. Children will comment without judgement and an adult, feeling the accuracy of the observation but then adding their own self judgement to the equation will then often react. Children are taught to be nice and polite and that pointing out what actually does need to be named they then learn is forbidden – it is being rude.
I know I grew up experiencing saying what seemed plainly obvious, caused unintentional reactions so stuffed down my expression. We have now a society that learnt not to speak up because those in power may react – rather than our parents, who could wield conditional ‘love’ over us, reprimand us etc. it can be our bosses. Returning to speaking up with love is something I am returning to, even if it’s acknowledging truth to myself. Otherwise great force is needed to bury what is true into the body and this is toxic. This is the process we expect from our young when we do this ourselves. It is a crime against humanity and who we truly are.
I was looking after a young baby last night who woke up and was distressed. I could feel with the crying that my body went into anxiousness and then I was more racey trying to settle the baby. I clocked this in my body and then allowed myself to relax and not go up. As I settled very soon after the baby settled and then went back to sleep.
Yes, it is a little more subtle without children as we need to feel the effect of the quality of our movements and actions within ourselves – with children there is instant feedback, as you said Gill.
I am learning more and more how important the quality is in which I am working and moving and living. It is just as important and likely more important than the outcome of what I am doing.
Great point Christoph – I have also found that when I have not moved in a quality that reflects my true being, my work does not flow and everything takes longer. When I then move with conscious presence and consciously breathing my own breath, everything moves back into flow.
I love the idea of you creating your own road map for parenting – working out what was needed for you and your daughter as you went along rather than being pressured into following someone else’s rules or suggestions. Being open to feeling what your baby needed whilst also paying attention to yourself and what would support you is surely the best way to live a harmonious life rather than feeling under pressure to conform to pictures of what the perfect parent should be doing at any particular stage which leaves everyone feeling frazzled and out of sorts.
I love how you’ve not copied what society says, but instead come up with your own way of parenting based on what is needed for your child at that time. It’s the same way we are raising our daughter and at times I stop and wonder how other people are going, yet in conversations most people seem to struggle with how to deal with raising kids. The nutshell really is parent from connection to you and your child and everything will take care of itself.
It seems to be that we like to think that we live independent of anyone else, that we exist in this world in ‘perfect isolation’. Yet our relationships of every kind are here to show us that is simply a lie. Everything we choose true or not comes back to us all directly. Our every choice contributes to a pool that others tap into. So which pool is it we are feeding and making a dominant feeling here on this earth? Our true power and influence is off the charts – so inspired by you Nicole I say ‘let’s get to work’.
Role modeling is an essential awareness and responsibility – forming the foundation of what the next generation deems as normal and acceptable. By what’s going on in the world it feels like there is a call to shift the role modeling stereo-type from super-person back to integrity-person.
I love how routines, rituals offer me the foundation for everything and give the space to flow with the rhythm that is sync with the universe and thus supports all equally.
As a parent of three I too have read much about parenting and been given reams of advice on the do’s and don’ts; but I have rarely come across such simple wisdom as this. I have enormous respect and appreciation for the choices that you have made, the things you have seen and the clarity with which you have shared your wisdom with the world, by which all of us can be inspired. You are a very special parent.
‘Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body’ I don’t remember any of this being taught when I was a mother-to-be or if it was, I didn’t listen. What you write here is so important for all mothers to read.
What a Love role you have shared Nicole, and learning how to parent on the run so to speak has been something you are well on the way to mastery. Finding our feet in life is Truly a way that sets us up for most challenges in life or as you say; Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.
Wow, Nicole. There’s so much wisdom we can connect to when we pay attention to how we live our everyday simple life. It’s totally inspiring to feel how it comes out of and back to the way you live, no picture or ideal.
Parenting is easy when we are in tune with what is needed, both for the individual and for society as a whole.
This is the key. Parenting for society as a whole – rather than for the individual child. With this approach huge momentums of ideals, beliefs, patterns and reactions will be cleared and we will start to bring forth the next generation with true purpose and then feel, embrace and be inspired by the leadership that they offer.
“It was amazing how much time there actually was if I stopped to feel what was needed, and included myself in the equation.” I love this. What I find is knowing when to go deeper or simplifying the everyday stuff that is a part of my normal day living. If I am feeling something awkward or not willing to do something I have felt I know the feeling is there to honour.
“Taking responsibility for the way we live and the quality in which we are with ourselves is the beginning.”
As a parent of 3 young children i can absolutely concur that the returns of this self loving, self responsible relationship is the way forward, the commitment to building and refining a rhythm that supports you through your days is undoubtedly one of the greatest forms of living medicine.
Totally agree with you Lucinda and with Nicole. And yet, the building of a rhythm that looks after the mother first, is something that is very rarely considered and certainly not a priority in the majority of society; in fact, more often than not, a mother is expected to almost entirely abandon themselves and focus all of their love and attention on the child. Quite apart from the fact that this has catastrophic effects on the well-being of the mother, what kind of example is this to the child – abandon yourself for another – hardly the best life lesson?!
‘I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment.’ How much of life do we negate what we feel in favour of the advice we receive outside of us? Parenting can be such a minefield and so much overwhelm and feelings of inadequacy often arise. Its beautiful to hear about another way of being that is truly supportive not just for the kids, but for the parents also. Thanks for sharing.
I love how you have claimed yourself within parentlng. Providing space for ourselves in any situation is important. It puts everything in perspective.
“We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents.” So true we are constantly reflecting to the next generation, our livingness is the key. The more we live the true us our true connection of our essence with full awareness the more we will offer for the future generation.
If we are to be completely honest with ourselves, none of us knew how to truly parent until we met Serge Benhayon. I can honestly say this to be true for myself. I met Serge Benhayon when my daughter was 9. I was a single mother and working full time the support I encountered was amazing because I didn’t feel alone anymore being the sole parent. Both me and my daughter were treated as family and it was such a relief to have another perspective to support me if I went into overwhelm. The level of support the Benhayon family has given me and my daughter can be echoed by thousands of people around the world, I have come to know what true family looks and feels like.
Very true Nicole. Not only are we constant role models for children, ours or not, we don’t have to get it right we just need to be real, present and committed. There can be no better example for a young child growing up than a parent who chooses to include themselves in the daily care rituals. It builds an inner stability that the child can depend upon and from which allows them to connect with their own steadiness and self care. These to me are far more important lessons to learn at an early age than learning to read or write. These things will come very naturally when as the child grows, because our curiosity and learning is very innate when we feel confident, safe and held.
To stop and truly feel the inner wisdom that is available to guide us through life in a way that is true is invaluable for true parenting of children and future generations.
Most parents expect their children to be in a rhythm – like getting ready for school by a certain time, in a certain flow, or having dinner or going to bed early – but how can we implement and expect our children to be in line with those rhythms if we first do not exhibit this for ourselves? They watch everything and know when we are not walking our talk.
“By bringing more focus to how I was, and how I was whilst doing things, I was able to see just how much my choices and the way I moved and lived affected our daughter” We are all connected – families just demonstrate this in a more obvious manner. Young children are so sensitive they pick up very easily on vibes with in a family.
Nicole, I really enjoy reading your articles on parenting and how you share another way of being as a parent, this is gold; ‘I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything. That without it my life felt like one big blur, and that there was never enough time to get everything done.’ I can feel how this can apply to everyone, whether we are a parent or not, I sometimes feel like life is a blur if I am not looking after myself and allowing myself the time to care for and be with myself in a gentle, loving way.
This is a great what you share Nicole, that we are the role models for future generations. To me this means that we can change the world in how we interact with people and live with one another in families, in our societies and in the world on a larger scale just from us choosing to live in another more loving way and to reflect that back in how we are in everything that we do and interaction we have.
Young children sometimes show great wisdom in parenting their parents by making it clear how they enjoy being treated.
Your blog should be issued with every first child. What kind of world would we be living in after just one generation?
Yes how awesome would it be for everyone – mums, babies and all future generations – a wonderful world indeed.
What a rock you are Nicole.. and what rocks we can all be to those around us too especially in the workplace where our colleagues and bosses, customers, clients can all be looked at with the same observation you hold your daughter in – that how you, your quality affects her.
When we take loving care of ourselves we don’t need anything from anyone else… the loving care is there, and it doesn’t ask anything of another – they are left to be themselves.
A beautiful droplet of wisdom Paula. Thank you.
Today I have just been learning about order, ceremony, ritual, magic and flow and I feel this ties in with what you have shared especially creating space for you with order so you could truly support your family. For example order is what we set up as the background to support us and our next move. When we start to truly understand order, ceremony, ritual and magic we can see just how this is part of our life in an everyday way.
Bringing ourselves into the equation is crucial in more ways than one. Not only does building in the order and rhythm that suits and supports us mean we keep consideration for ourselves, but also staying with our movements as we work through the order of the day means we’re not leaving ourselves behind.
I love your approach and wisdom with parenting Nicole. I find parenting is certainly not about getting it right but about being open to learn, to be loving and gentle with ourselves and then parenting just comes naturally. It is amazing what happens when we let go of control and let love guide us.
Mmm reading the options here of feeling in my body and what is needed versus my brain’s “what’s next?” is a no brainer in terms of supporting myself or draining myself.
I can totally say that children watch and feel everything. I observe how my toddler just clocks what is happening around her, and then reflects back to me where everyone is at. She will have a tantrum if I have even the tiniest bit of need for her to do something. She will be rough with me when I am not being gentle, it is all an amazing communication for us to both develop, and for me to reflect back to her what responsibility is.
Lovely sharing thank you, it pays to observe closely and feel into the reflections offered.
Nicole perfect timing as we are raising our daughter and what I’ve noticed is that we are naturally finding our way, taking care of us, responding to what she needs and treating her like one of us equally so. I’ve noticed also that we have to be careful not to worry when we speak with other families who have their own opinions on how things should be, as it can be the same as reading a book that tells us what to do without knowing the unique essence of our child.
Yes David we can fall into the trap of relying on books to tell us how to parent. It makes sense that you know your child better than anyone so following what feels right for you is going to be more supportive.
It is so true we can easily get lost in the pictures of what it means to be a parent, and then spend a lot of time worrying that we may be getting it all wrong.
Yeah it is very easy to do that and I have done that too, and observed the result of that as well. With the support of Serge Benhayon and the studies with Universal Medicine it became real easy to let go of the ‘ideal’ of a parent, connect to my self and feel what is needed, in the knowing that our children fully have chosen to whom to come as their parents…
So true, that we are role models despite being parents or not. We all have a responsibility to live who we truly are and care for ourselves and reflect that back to those growing up in a world that has been completely taken over by false pictures of how to be, how to act and how to look.
Another great contribution on parenting Nicole. Bringing more focus to quality allows us to connect to the inner part of us that as woman and mothers is sometimes neglected due to overwhelm or lack of appreciation. Remembering that we are shaping the future generation is a great way to snap ourselves out of the “get things done mode” we can all slip into as parents, thanks for the hot tips!
If I could re-do bringing up my children! No, actually I did what I thought was best at the time and regret is a completely wasted emotion. I chose to bring it in when I knew there was a different way and even then there was an enormous shift for my children. I imposed so much less, I took responsibility for myself and that is such a gift to our children no matter what age we start.
Thank you Nicole, getting lost in parenting or any other carer role would likely be very common. What you have shared here challenges the idea that time doesn’t allow space for the carer to be held equally in the equation. I agree that children are always learning, by placing them first and ourselves as parents or carers last on the list we are role modelling to them that we are just here for others and that self disregard is normal. It’s much more beneficial for the child to have self love and self care role modelled, not the self sacrifice. If the parent is able to self love the child is also then held in the love the parent is able to live for themselves.
This is all so very true Nicole. Reflection is EVERYTHING – how we think, speak and move is all recorded energetically and also registered by everyone around us. This is not to make us paranoid that ‘big brother is watching’ (!) but more so to remind us of the incredible effect our living way has on those we live with and the responsibility we each have to be, to the best of our ability with no perfection, a point of light that offers a reflection of all that is true, rather than reflect a withdrawal away from such beauty.
It is such a simple concept you are describing here, that everybody can do, role modelling, and we do it all the time anyways as we are always being watched or seen by others. And this brings the responsibility to the fore that we have, how am I and what quality do I bring to life in every moment?
Nicole such awesome awareness and true livingness expressed here. I feel every potential parent should read this great offering so that they too, could approach parenthood in this most natural, loving and truly supportive way for all.
When women go down the track of identifying themselves with their role as a mother and put themselves last, everyone gets affected. Babies and young children, who feel everything, pick it up in no time at all. They often react by being unsettled or out of sorts, leading to unhealthy sleeping patterns and eating habits later on. They take their cues from us, after all.
Love this Nicole, could this way of parenting be okay for us all to return to who we “truly are?” So what you have shared we can all take a similar approach in our own lives as we learn to reconnect to the inner-most?
Lets start with do we know how to be at-least “Gentle,” with our-self first so we still do “matter,” and need to spend time reconnecting as in The Gentle Breath Meditation.
For more on the Gentle Breath Meditation go to;
FREE GENTLE BREATH MEDITATION
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=Free+Gentle+Breath+Meditation
As we are the biggest mirror for our growing children we then have a huge responsibility to ensure that what we are reflecting to them is of a quality that will support them and inspire them to be all that they are as they grow. Yes this can feel like a huge burden at times but how wonderful it is to know that by living this quality we are being “role models for our future generation” even and generations after that.
It is an important lesson provided through observing that “if I choose to take responsibility for how I move and the way I do things, then I have the choice to create a day that flows or not.” How much of our anxiousness, overwhelm and lack of time to do things self-created?
Nicole, this is very beautiful to read, I can feel with my son that at first I got caught up thinking I had to entertain him and that he could not be left alone and that if I wanted to do something for myself it had to be quick – this was exhausting and unsustainable for me. I now allow this time for me and it feels so important and effects how I am with my son, this felt key to me, if I was feeling well then he would be fine, if I felt I had not had enough time for me I would get frustrated, resentful and this obviously was not great for him or me, so from experience I would say that there is nothing selfish about us taking care of ourselves and allowing ourselves the time and care to nurture ourselves, it is for me essential.
Even if we aren’t parents our actions and our quality are watched and taken on by others. Until attending Universal Medicine events this fact wasn’t even spoken about or in my conscious foreground. But who hasn’t as a kid (or adults!) been influenced by the actions of another? And thus changed or modelled themselves to how another lives? Like taking up a hobby or certain phrases or accents, wearing certain clothing etc. Everything we do is role modelling for others.
Reading this now that my sons are teenagers I understand the importance of being a role model and taking responsibility for how I am and the quality in which I do everything, however, I didn’t have that awareness at the forefront when they were babies. One thing I did make sure is that I showered first thing in the morning, that was non-negotiable and would set me up for the day. I got lost in being a Mother, and at times think where on earth did that come from when I would act or talk a certain way. Your blog is very practical, real and honouring, looking at what our true purpose and responsibility is with ourselves and with parenting children.
The practicality of following what we feel when parenting is something that I am deeply starting to appreciate, for example in the past I would be full of concern of how to do things right and reading up the best ways. It’s fantastic to let that go and get into a flow not a he said/she said so I must do x way.
I can relate to “I very quickly realised setting a routine and rhythm for myself supported everyone and everything.”. Supporting routine for kids is king when raising children and getting our rhythm will allow the kids to be felt held. Without any perfection and based on my experience of raising kids, routine and rhythm are heavenly and that’s all we need for a lovely experience of raising kids.
Very humbling and refreshing to read Nicole. Giving ourselves the space to actually feel we aren’t perfect and will make mistakes, this is a healthy thing we require.
“We are the role models for our future generation, even if we are not parents.” This sentence is very truly. We are all responsible for the next generation and the more of us who live with this awareness the brighter our future will be.
I feel joyful about what you write Elizabeth, as it makes changing the world actually very simple and as all starts with changing our own lives first by making simple loving choices in the first place.
Yes living in the present in the way we would like the future to be – if we all did that how awesome that would be as we could see true change in how the world operates…
We are all watching each other all the time no matter what your age. We may not physically put our eyes on everything but we can see everything from a feeling perspective. Parenting, what a topic and more often then not it’s one we are constantly bombarded with needing to do this, have that, take this, give that and yet no where until Universal Medicine have we been asked to stop and take a moment to feel what we truly want to choose next. Parenting has less to do with children then we think and like everything how you are, the quality you live with yourself in each moment will dictate what is next.
It’s very true Nicole…we are all role models for children whether we have them or not. I have been aware of that with my friends children and even been aware when a small child has been observing me closely. Even when they aren’t they are feeling every move, as we all are. Their awareness is more acute. We really can’t expect children to raise themselves, children do need the support of adults around them, setting firm boundaries, so they can thrive as they grow well into adulthood.
This is a great article for parents. Some of the biggest traps are highlighted here and also the very simple counter to falling for those traps. Parenting from what we think we should be doing is one of the traps. Disregarding ourselves and only focussing on the child is another. Developing a strong connection with your body and its natural rhythms is something I had to learn the hard way, after being a self-sacrificing 24/7 mum and becoming completely exhausted.
My first child was over thirty years ago but I do remember discovering, especially with my second child that I knew more what was needed than all the ‘advisors’ around me
Me too Carmel, when I dropped what I was ‘told’ and trusted in what I was feeling everything becomes so much lighter and easier. Yes there were challenges however they became much easier to handle because by trusting what I felt was needed at the time the answers to these challenges came much quicker too
Just like with everything else in life it is with parenting: quality first. Any compromise and attachment to an outcome, ideal or belief will be reflected back to us by our surroundings and the flow or rather not flow of things.
If we ever complain and do not like the way humanity is and where it currently is at then we have to be the role models of a true way for the next generation so that the current way of life is not the way of life of the future.
Hear hear Joshua- well expressed and 100% so – how can anything ever change if we don’t first start with ourselves. Living the present how we would like the future to be is where it’s at.
It is interesting, whilst reading this I remembered that when my children were young I found myself needing a cup of tea before dealing with anything else the day had in store. But I came to feel how harming this was, as my children, being their joyful selves often pushed all my buttons and I was quite testy until after that cuppa. Something inside me knew this was not ok, my girls needed a very present, rested, steady Mum and so I gave up drinking tea. This choice was not a pleasant one, the first week found me with headaches and feeling so ill so as that I needed to often just lie down on the floor, but I persevered and I am glad I did, as no tea, brought the steadiness that was needed for both my children and myself.
“We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like, how our children should be, but we often avoid stopping to feel where we are at, how we are and the quality of ourselves in what we are doing.” Having not attended to myself with my own two children – putting everyone else’s needs first – I now have the opportunity to be – with my grand children. What a difference this makes!
“We can so easily get lost in what parenting ‘should’ look like” … yes this is very true and applies to just about everything parenting, relationships, work etc etc we have all these pictures and ideas about how things ‘should’ be and how we should be and how we should feel – but really if as Nicole describes we come back to the quality of how we live and move it is all known and very simple and should does not come into it.
It might seem counter intuitive but if we look around at life’s events and don’t like what we see, it’s a cue to go deeper inside. For the way that we are, the quality in which we move and things that we choose all have much greater effect than we like to realise. It’s convenient on one hand to play dumb but the sucker punch is we are the ones in the first place, who are causing ourselves all the pain. Thank you Nicole for bringing this truth home, it’s way bigger than just raising kids it applies to how we nurture the whole of life.
Bringing this commitment to ourselves, how we are, the quality that we choose, the level of care, creates a way of being that deepens the love we feel for ourselves and lets us appreciate ourselves. When we build in to our day a walk, a shower or bath when we are unlikely to be disturbed, massaging moisturising cream on our bodies, preparing a lovely meal, lying down on the sofa with an eye pillow and breathing gently, reading an inspirational text. All this can contribute to the foundation of our road map. Doing these things on a consistent basis creates a rhythm that the body seems to love and we feel that love as we do them.
A beautiful reminder of how important it is to maintain our own rhythm and flow during the day and to bring true quality to all that we do. Not only in parenting – with every relationship that we have, including the quality that we take care of ourselves.
Parenting for me fast became about the quality I lived, how I was with myself, the level of love and care I had towards my body, the routines and rhythms I put in place to support me, and my openness and willingness to be responsible and build consistency with both myself and others.
Consistency and the willingness to build it, I have also found this to be super supportive in every aspect. When I allow my responsibility to slip – it is very noticeable and feels awful in my body and the quality I share with others.
I soon learned that nothing I read, watched or googled could support me as much as allowing myself to stop and feel what was needed in each moment. How true this is for all of us, in life too. Our bodies are so naturally, infinitely capable of communicating to us what is needed in any given moment.
Listening to our inner feelings and letting them guide us, I have found is my greatest support.
I can confirm that for myself too. If I stop and listen and feel, so many things fall by the wayside that seemed in the way just a moment ago. It is taking that time to truly connect and touch base with self that allows for so much more clarity which is hugely supportive in all we are and do.
Love this article Nicole, the truth is our children feel every thought and movement which for most of us is an uncomfortable realisation and one most of us may skirm away from or dismiss. But I know this to be true and living with that level of care and love for ourselves is the most important thing we can be for our children and everyone around us.
This is very true Vanessa and Nicole. Our children feel, I would say, more than adults simply because they are more aware of what they are feeling. They feel everything from the quality we are to how things are around the home to what is brought into the home and ways of being. This blog is great as it brings that self care and responsibility back to the self so that we are aware of the quality we share.
As you say we ALL feel everything all the time whether we are aware of it or not. Children are more aware and then gradually this is drummed out of us but it never stops affecting us. In fact it is because we can’t handle all that we feel and don’t acknowledge that we often end up numbing ourselves with food, substances, work and a zillion and other things.
I couldn’t agree more Vanessa. Our children watch our every move and will copy our habits and behaviours. We would do well to adopt a loving and tender approach when it comes to looking after ourselves so that they will be inspired to do the same, as they will see that it not only works but that it benefits all equally.
Very true, the impact of our behaviour as adults and parents goes so much deeper than we appreciate. Every child, whether they are our own or not, soaks the behaviours of the adults around them and this begins on such a subtle level. The quality of our choices, habits, words and postures are seen and copied at every turn, therefore the quality and integrity of how we conduct ourselves matters 24/7.
Yes it is definitely all pointing towards loving ourselves to the maximum with deep love and care.
They are on the ball far more than we want them to be. A blog like this is a great marker of truth that would be a great tool for parenting agencies and education systems worldwide.