Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with as there are just so many ideals and beliefs on what a parent should look like and behave like.
There are also many parents who may make it look like everything is ‘all good’ on the outside but really you can feel that this may not always be the truth. Even writing on the subject of parenting felt like a topic that only certain people could possibly write about.
I have often thought that I was not a very good parent, but can today question this: by whose standards am I not enough? I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.
I now know that I am a great parent and the evidence is in my child, but I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.
Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with, particularly if we let ourselves be run by the many ideals and beliefs on how the perfect parent should be. I know that I have had many pictures in my head about what the perfect parent should look like.
One thing is for sure, I am not perfect and parenting really has taught me so much and continues to do so every day, in so many ways. It has not been easy and there have been many times that I have wanted to give up and run away, but I am still here 12 years later and I can look back on those years and really appreciate how far I have come and all that I have to offer as a parent, not just to my child but to all children in my life.
I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters. We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.
I am a single parent and have always used this fact to confirm to myself that I was somehow a victim, and that being a parent is so much harder for me, but the truth is, it really doesn’t matter whether you are single or not, it is how you choose to parent that matters most and that of course will depend on the individual child, as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings.
I used to think that it was hard as I was alone in this role of raising a child and everything depended on me, and if anything went wrong, or if my child made the wrong choices, it would be all my fault. How wrong was I!
First of all, to even think that I am the only person in my child’s life and her only influence is just crazy. I used to keep us separate from others without realising, and these days I have turned that around.
I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it. I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of.
What this has allowed me to see is that we are never alone and that we are part of a much bigger family, and that there is so much support there for us. It is amazing to recognise the impact this has on our lives.
Recently we celebrated my daughter’s 12th birthday and I decided to have a family dinner, as she didn’t want a party. It was very special as when thinking of who her family was, I had to invite quite a lot of people.
The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking. We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings.
How much we share and let others support us really is up to us. I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone.
I have also seen my responsibility as a parent does not only include my own child, but all children in my life equally, as they are all equally important. This does not mean I have to control other children but, rather than leave things to their mum or dad to sort out, I can talk to anyone’s children and bring their awareness to what’s going on. I can also encourage them and confirm them in ways that perhaps another cannot. If we all express our special qualities and what comes naturally to us and share this with others, we all benefit.
Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault. I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.
It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way. I’ve realised that I have no right to try to coerce my child to excel in a certain area of school because I might need that for my own recognition. It is also not my place to get in the way of her life and to fix things for her, otherwise she will not learn from her own choices and consequences. This has been a big lesson for me to learn and to surrender to – and one that I am still working on as I become more and more aware of my tendency to want things to be a certain way.
One thing that I am really learning about these days is my responsibility as a parent. I can honestly say that I have been through and trialled a few different parenting approaches and one that didn’t work at all was the ‘laissez-fair’ approach, which translates into just letting children do their own thing. I also tried the ‘no boundaries’ approach and let my daughter be a ‘free spirit’, but I am still dealing with the consequences of that today.
I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.
I used to need my child to like me and to be my friend, but because of this I was so easily manipulated into doing things that I didn’t want to do, or I allowed myself to be walked over. Through realising how damaging that was I have now stopped imposing myself on my child. She is not here to make me feel enough, or so I can be identified by her.
We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another. I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.
By Rosie Bason
Further Reading:
Re-claiming the Responsibility of Being a Parent
Parenting from the Heart
Building true relationships and positive parenting
688 Comments
“Parenting? Phew what a big responsibility that’s not for me”. This is what I hear some people say. But as you dedicatedly show Rosie, parenting is not a job position or badge we wear but a way we are with everything constantly. Just in how I choose to be with me I am raising and supporting myself to be loving and true or not. When you look at it this way having a child is no more burden or strife but another pair of shining eyes to show you where you chose Love and where you lie. Isn’t life much greater when we know the facts of how we are, so that we can bring greater care into this world? For our choices lead to consequences for us all.
“When you look at it this way having a child is no more burden or strife but another pair of shining eyes to show you where you chose Love and where you lie.”
My kids show me so so many things. There is not one day I go by without being appreciative for all that they are and all that they show me too. It is by no means a one way street in the world of parenting.
The concept of family relating only to “blood”/ family tree is very restrictive and conditional. For aren’t we all one big family? Rosie- I loved how you broadened your family to include others who were special and part of your lives.
Brilliant blog Rosie, it is inspiring to be so honest and open about parenting. There are so many pictures and images we often place on parenting and often a lot of judgement comes with it if we don’t fit the perfect picture. I have found parenting has offered me many opportunities to learn and grow, and there is no such thing as mistakes but just a constant learning. I love how you shared that we are all equal and being ourselves in parenting is the greatest gift we can reflect to our children and to others. Respect, love, honesty, consistency and equality are some of the key ingredients in parenting and in life. I feel deeply blessed to have my children reflect their wisdom, love and joy to me every day. I also appreciate that every situation is an opportunity for us to evolve when we keep our hearts open. Thank you for reminding us that we are all already amazing.
What a super honest blog Rosie and many parts I could relate to, including being caught up in the belief that how my children turned out and their choices was a reflection on how well I had or hadn’t parented. In other words being identified by an outcome and expectations rather than simply focussing on being myself. The more I let go of these beliefs and what I ‘think’ a good parent is and trust what I can feel in my body (which for me comes back firstly to the relationship I have with myself and reflect this to my children) the more I am able to truly parent without imposition, control, judgement or reaction.
With parenting there are so many ideal and beliefs that get in the way and make life complicated and disharmonious for everyone involved. In appreciating who we are as a woman first, then parent second ,we allow our children to learn the importance of valuing ourselves and knowing that we are already amazing and beautiful without the need to prove anything by “doing.”
I love that you undo the belief that the parent must be ‘right, have all of the answers and be perfect’ Rosie… to realise that a parent leads the way by being themselves and being responsible for their choices. It’s no wonder children react when someone is ‘trying’ around them, ‘trying’ to be something, or to ‘not make a mistake’. It’s greatly freeing on both the parent and the child when this burden is lifted.
Everyone with no exception has had an experience of being parented, and what we see in societies around the world is rarely a reflection of life being lived with love and truth, and it is very hard for many not to live by the ideals and beliefs surrounding us. How can we ever parent another when we don’t even learn or know how to live lovingly and truthfully our own life?
Parenting is such a great responsibility, but no more or less than our responsibility in any relationship – whether it be a partnership, friendship, working relationship or acquaintances.
Thanks Rosie great blog, I’m a non custodial parent so a single parent of sorts but last saw my now 15 year old son 2 years ago, This resonated for me “I am a single parent and have always used this fact to confirm to myself that I was somehow a victim, and that being a parent is so much harder for me, but the truth is, it really doesn’t matter whether you are single or not, it is how you choose to parent that matters most and that of course will depend on the individual child, as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings.” I’m not perfect but for at least 13 years I felt the role I was to (ideal and belief) provide money in lieu of my absence. This simply confirmed this absence and facilitated less contact. Appreciate your blog to broaden this conversation about parenting.
There certainly are many ideals and beliefs about parenting, and I am not even a parent myself but I can feel how much I am affected by them and come up with a bunch of shoulds & shouldn’ts. But when I look at the Benhayons as a family, I cannot help but feel that there is a way – without it being perfection or ideal, something that is woven into the way they are that is common and foundational – that is rarely seen anywhere else and inspire many so deeply.
Even though it may ‘seem’ we are individual pods or families, in truth we are all One .. and so therefore have the responsibility to care, love and support all others. I am not a parent but do not hold back in expressing those loving, caring and supportive qualities when talking to any child or young person. There is a beauty in this way of being and living that we are not all conciously aware of … yet.
With or without having children of our own, we equally have responsibility to live in such a way to leave an imprint for our next generations to build their life upon that is of love and truth – and what is beautiful here is it is your way, Rosie, that you have been living and building and that is the only way to do.
I love your blog Rosie and I can relate to the single parent syndrome of not asking for help, doing it all on your own and trying to fit into the perfect parent model. I too have found over the last few years that when you spend so much time doing all of that, everyone misses out on you naturally being you and reflecting that to your children. The greatest gift we can give to children, is to just be our amazing selves, then they get confirmed by that and can choose to do likewise, and there is no wanting to change or controlling involved.
The fact that our family is not just limited to those we are related to biologically but in truth includes all those we are connected to energetically is huge and a major inconvenience to us being able to perpetuate the notion that we are separate from each other, even with this as the normal expression in our world today, deep within we know we are all brothers.
I agree Michael and this is an enormous step forward for humanity should they choose to see through the fog.
Children are often testing things out, pushing the boundaries and seeing what they can get away with and what they cant. In this it feels as though they are testing how committed and present we are with them, and whether they can fully trust our love and care for them as parents. The more consistent, clear and strong the boundaries, the more the child feels absolutely held and safe, knowing that the parent is there for them, and that every choice they make have a consequence, this to me is true love.
“I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.”
I whole heartedly agree Rosie, when we set clear and consistent boundaries for children (our own and all children we come in contact with), they feel safe and held and know what’s OK and what’s not, for a child to not have clear boundaries can be a frightening as they don’t feel held in love and can have the sense that nobody is really there for them, in a solid consistent way.
By allowing ourselves to make mistakes in parenting and having what I call the “Opps factor”, instead of berating ourselves for what we have done we can allow and see theses so called mistakes to be a constant learning and expansion of our awareness, which opens us up to different possibilities and choices in the way we parent. The harshly judging ourselves and seeking perfection we narrow down our awareness and the constant learning that is there for us.
“We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.”
This is a very powerful and true statement Rosie, children notice and are aware of everything we say and do, and if we tell them to do one thing and then we do another, we are teaching them double standards, that have no integrity.
This is such a rich blog, so much Wisdom is shared. I am also learning that it’s not only the child’s right to express their needs, but it is in fact my own responsibility and right to express what I feel. This has changed so so much, for the better. She’s learning that she’s part of a system where everybody counts and that through open communication we’ll find at any given moment answers to whatever arises. Being it when to eat, when to rest, what is going on inside, expressing our appreciation, etc. And she’s loving the natural borders that come with that. Because she’s really being met, not only pleased. The relationship grows and grows and grows. Which is absolutely amazing and a enormous Joy to experience. Building a True relationship between her and myself has been a life changing experience for both of us and continues to be so.
Amazing Rosie, a lot to appreciate. I do not have kids and the one thing I know is to be myself. More often than not this is a lot of Joy and playfulness when I am with children. If I’m not feeling so great I know for me it is to be plainly honest about it and not impose any of this to children that may be around.
This is a great blog on parenting. There is no hint of telling another what to do, just sharing your experience which makes it real and relateable to. It is a very unique journey, both for the parent and the child… and the only constant in any and all of them should be the love we express in that relationship.
Gorgeous Rosie – ‘ We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another. I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.’
This is beautiful to read, and can feel the truth of parenting throug all that you write, there is much more to it, and it is a beautiful role. To support a child in learning what life is and how it all works. Being the guardian of this soul that has an incredible knowing, but just needs to learn how to be on this earth.
We all have a responsibility for children, and what we present to them. They are far far more perceptive than most people realise, and even if we do not have children of our own we can still parent them by treating them with the respect and honour they deserve as people who are learning their way in the world.
Amazing Rosie, what a gorgeous blog, an amazing rich piece that includes truths, revelations, tips and absolute joy of whay parenting is. And it is not limited! Its beyond joy to read this, not yet having children in my own life, it is amazing to feel from this piece and the teachings of Serge Benhayon that we all parent everyday. Knowingly or not. And we all can parent children, being it our own or not.
‘How much we share and let others support us really is up to us.’ Learning this is a huge blessing – one I am still working on fully accepting. I am not a parent and yet the ‘I can do it by myself’ attitude to life is one I recognise all too well – being under the illusion that to ask for help is failing. Not sure at what and who is judging this – apart from myself. As I have become more tender with myself, I have asked for and accepted support when it is needed, and no longer feel a failure for doing so, but more so, letting the love that is there for me in.
A beautiful sharing, thank you Rosie. I would love you to be my mother next time around. I can feel so much wisdom in all that you have learned about being a parent, I feel so much confidence in your ability in being such a loving, caring parent. And yet, it is quite simple all you are describing here, by connecting to yourself, you know just what needs to be done, said etc. at any moment. You have let go any ideals or beliefs you previously held. And I have seen the wonderful result in the beautiful daughter you are raising, with her assistance of course.
Thanks Rosie for sharing so honestly about parenting – one of the things that I got from reading your blog today that parenting is a great school for both parents and children. There are a myriad of learnings available for you daily through the reflection of your daughter. And I love the idea of an extended family and it not just being about the blood family.
I always felt that one of the most important aspects of parenting is how we parent ourselves, how we treat ourselves, how honest we are with ourselves, the relationship, connection and acceptances we have with our true selves – and from there everything else flows.
Children are much more in touch with their feelings, can sense what is the truth of a situation and therefore are really great at reflecting and responding to what is truly going on with us, and where we are coming from versus all the correct words we might use that are not backed up by our true state of being or living.
Ideals and beliefs are so constricting and I have come to understand what a trap they are. This trap is set from the get go and parenting is a huge one to fall into as there are a myriad of beliefs and ideas to hijack what you have so beautifully expressed Rosie. Your child is amazing already, it is how you live that will reflect that to her. No ideal or belief could bestow such a gift!
‘We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.’ Love how you sum up parenting Rosie, as a single parent for most of my daughter’s life I often felt a bit of a martyr and that my life was hard because of lack of support. Over the years I have come to recognise that I created the situation where I felt so unsupported and the more I opened up the more support was available to both of us. I have learnt so much from my daughter and continue to do so and she soon points out if I am not being congruent in what I choose to do and say! I weighed myself down with so many beliefs about what makes a good parent and constantly felt I couldn’t live up to my self-imposed pictures of what I ‘should’ be doing. Letting go of these has been so freeing and the truer I am to myself the better the communication between us.
This is a wonderful example of taking responsibility Rosie and I can feel how the more ‘growing up’ we do as adults the truer reflection we are to our children!
Very true Bernadette, I think that at times the children are way more grown up than some of the adults.
“I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.” This is huge…we so often think that we will be judged by the outcome of our parenting through our children’s choices…we don’t let go of our investment in this and make room for children to make their own choices. It may be possible that we block children to really feel their choices as a result?
Exactly, if we keep the children in cotton wool, and choose for them, to avoid them getting it wrong…. we are just setting them up for disaster as they wont know how to decide or how to cope when and if they make a choice and get the consequence for it and things don’t go to plan.
We delay their learning when we get ourselves in the way. We cripple them by trying to do it for them or by trying to save them. There is no love in saving or carrying someone who can clearly walk on their own two feet.
Parenting is something that you learn ‘on the job’ and we can all look back and reflect on things we would do differently if we were to start again, but like you Rosie, I came “..to realise that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choice.” They are their own person and should be able to make their own choices without the needs of the parent being imposed on them.
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.” Very true, it does not serve anybody to beat ourselves up about what we have done but everybody benefits when we allow ourselves to learn from the mistakes we make.
To learn to be free of ideals and perfect pictures is an adventure worth taking on. Heaven’s unfolding.
What a HUGE inspiration this blog, I absolutely love it. Parenting is such a sensitive subject and the way you have written this, is an absolute gem. I see many people struggling with parenting and it feels that if we let go of the role as parent and just start to be ourselves, we give children the biggest present in the world. And ourselves as well…
We are the facilitators of our kids not the owners and parenting is about responsibility and not identification. Great testimony of true parenting Rosie!!
This article is jam packed with wonderful insights. One very profound one for me is the concept of family. The fact that we can shrink our view to just consider the immediate blood related people, or we can expand it to all the wonderful people around us that we have love, connection and inspiration with. And as we open up to embracing more people, the size of our family will keep growing, how gorgeous is that? This appreciation and understanding, as well as the richness and depth of connection it brings, in is a awesome gift to any child or adult.
Parenting got a whole new dimension now that I am menopausal. I am no longer mothering my children and taking care of them, there is more sharing of the wisdom I have inside and standing next to them if they need support. Not doing things for them, but supporting them doing their things.
We are all one big family, especially if we connect to the essence of the other. We are all the same and deep down we just want to share our lives and live lovingly. So freeing to let go of the whole concept that family is only blood related people. I remember as a child no grand parents, aunts, uncles and cousins visiting our birthdays and it felt not true, like something was not right. There are many children we can mother without having giving birth to them.
Interesting question and conversation: are we responsible for the choices of our children? What is our responsibility as a parent? The first and foremost responsibility we have is to love our children for who they are instead of loving them for what they achieve. And yes every choice we make reflects on our children (as on all other people).
I absolutely agree, Rosie, parenting is a topic that is loaded with ideals and beliefs. In fact, so many, we can’t fathom it and they keep coming up. Always there is a new way how you should parent instead of allowing and encouraging a parent to listen to their inner heart and wisdom, and parent from there.
You’ve turned the victim notion of a single mum parenting on its head Rosie — everything about what you share here ad what you clearly live is the celebration of being a parent and a knowing that you are so worthy of support from everyone around you — and true family, beyond blood ties is the amazing result. If we keep ourselves in silos, separated caught up in the idea that i have to go it alone we miss out on the glory of what we can have — amazing community all around us.
Rosie, you ought to write a book on parenting. As I read this I thought wow — how much I would love to be raised the way you are rising your daughter with a whole community of parents, and family that she feels immensely loved by. Truly inspiring.
Thanks Katerina, not quite sure about a book… but you never know… I am only just beginning the parenting of teenage years so there is more to come I am sure.
Rosie I loved reading about what you’ve learned through your experience of being a parent – by sharing so openly and without judgement, you offer others the opportunity to reflect on their own experiences as parents without the harshness of being right or wrong.
Thanks Hannah, I felt that as I have had the first hand experience of getting it wrong, from my beliefs and my high standards that I imposed upon myself… that I am sure many others would have a similar experience and yet may not be bold enough to expose it all and share it for all to learn from. I have no shame, I am just learning as I go and picking up the pieces if I get it wrong and asking for support, talking and learning. No perfection here that is for sure!
It is absolutely awesome to see a parent that is willing to take full responsibility for the way they parent. I can see how this approach then supports children to take responsibility for their own choices. Bravo Rosie.
It’s amazing how we can hold back from asking for support for fear of looking like a failure. Asking for support requires an openness and offers both parties the opportunity to develop a deeper connection and understanding.
And it is not just parents that hold back from asking for support, I think this applies to everyone.
Thank you for sharing this Rosie, your article should be on the wall in every home, a reminder constantly that ‘We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.’
Not every home has children, but many homes have partners, husbands, wives, housemates, guests. And we may not be parents, but each person can live their truth and so be an example for all.
I really like the point you make that there is this idea that only those who have this pretty picture can write about parenting- it is so not true- every parent has stories and lived experiences to share that we can all learn from.
A child is never raised by their blood family…
If the child goes to a friend’s home, events or visits family friends there is more parental roles than just mum and dad.
Everyone in society holds the responsibility to role model to our younger generations.
Yes, it is an interesting fact that children pick up the accent of their peers and not the accent of their parents.
Great blog Rosie. Amazing insights on what parenting is all the ideals and beliefs that surround parenting. I have not been a parent but I love learning from children and parents about their kids and what they learn from their kids. Really we are all here to reflect to each other, learn about ourselves and each other. Regardless of our role in a family.
Parenting is such a fraught subject – one where it is almost taboo to discuss because you can’t be seen to be telling someone how to raise their children. But what if by discussing it, being open and honest about the struggles and issues and difficulties, we allow people to no longer need to be worn down and give up because of the stuggles they feel they face alone with kids. I look after a little girl who is nearly 2 and I have known her and been a part of her life since she was born. Even though me and my mum are not blood related to her and her family, we consider each other to be family, because it is our love, connection and support that creates the bond of family, not name or genetics. I have gotten an inside glimpse of life raising a child, and how hard it can be, especially when the ideals and beliefs and needs get in the way. Her parents often marvel at my ability to get her to behave, eat her dinner, not throw tantrums, got to sleep etc but it is because I have no investment or attachments to her – I love her whole heartedly and see her has a small person rather than child.
So true, thats why I found it quite interesting just writing on the subject of parenting. You really don’t want to tell someone how to parent or that what they are doing is wrong, as it has to be different, as each child is different. There is no one picture fits all.
The way we choose to live our lives is a powerful influence on our children and if this life is about love and loving responsibility then the foundation is there for our children to grow from. Children hold amazing wisdom naturally in their body and are very honest when asked to read whatever is going on. I loved your broad definition of family and find the openness this brings to be so supportive and what brotherhood is truly all about. Thanks Rosie.
I wonder how much of the single parent ‘victim energy’ and belief that it is so much harder actually comes down to our unwillingness to ask for support. I am pretty sure I fell for this when my child was young, tending to ‘soldier on’ or wanting to prove I could do it all myself, rather than ask for support. Somehow I believed this was the way it had to be, but your story clearly shows it is a way of our own choosing
Being a victim gives us something to be identified by. Staying in the struggle is a choice and gives you even more to be identified by. Asking for support may be seen as weak. (And I never wanted to be seen as weak!)
And what about that strong old belief that this is just how it is. That giving up feeling because you can’t see beyond the next week or to the fact that you even have a choice.
We need to understand that our children are not ours, more that we are custodians of their path to adulthood and we are here to guide and support and to help bring out their full potential and nor are they here to fill our emotional needs. And it’s true that there is as much to learn from the wisdom of children as we can impart to them.
I have found parenting is a very humbling experience as you realise very quickly that you can’t be perfect. Our kids reflect to us any false ideals we need to let go of and areas of our relationships where we need to be more loving and consistent. Although they may not say so, they are so onto us. They know when we are being hypocritical or where we have needs that leave gaping holes for exploitation. Like all close relationships this can be challenging but it is so worth it.
They sure can see right through any games, manipulation or half truths that we are presenting. Our children watch us all the time and they are often more honest about us than we would like them to be. No where to hide when you have an open and transparent child in the room!
I could have definitely benefited from your parenting wisdom when I was a “struggling” single parent Rosie. It sounds like you have had your challenges and a few hiccups along the way, but in spite of them your wisdom and understanding has grown as has your relationship with your daughter, which is so wonderful to read.
It is crazy that we can feel isolated (especially as single parents) just because we believe that family is just blood relations. It is so important for our kids to have a wide exposure to adults and kids they can call their family. There are so many different strengths we all have and no one parent is supposed to be able to offer it all. Surrounding our kids with community they can call family feels like a return to a more natural way that we in western society have moved away from.
Parenting is one of those areas in life where we try to act like we know what we are doing but often do not. We tend to fall back on what we know from the way we were parented or in contrast parent in reaction to how we were raised. Either way we are not parenting from our naturalness and the solidness of our essence. I agree Rosie that parenting is full of ideals and beliefs which can look good and appear to tick boxes but end up with kids that fit the mould or react against it. What we need in society is kids who are brought up to be and know themselves.
Love how you have shared that its important to set boundaries so kids no what is okay and what isn’t, this is so important. Letting people be a ‘are spirit’ ultimately doesn’t work, people end up having no self foundations. As you have shared this ultimately comes from wanting to be liked by your child. Truth is truth and it has nothing to do with being liked, this is a great learning for myself.
A great blog about parenting Rosie. Parenting is a huge deal, so massive thanks to all parents out there. I love how you have mentioned that there are so many ways of parenting and they aren’t necessarily restricted to the traditional ideals about parenting for instance, you are responsible for being a reflection to other peoples children and not just your own. This brings the responsibility of a parent to a whole new level!
“I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it. I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of.” Asking for support is a ginormous step for many parents who as you say are wrapped up in these ideals that we need to do it alone, when the connection and reflections brought about by asking others can be a real blessing.
When reading this it feels like everyone can relate to this. I myself am not a parent but it made some much sense to the other areas of my life and in other relationships. For me being a parent is not about having a child, it’s a part of us, the bigger part, the more open and spacious part of us that is understanding and open to being more than what is currently being lived, it’s the part of us that is willing to take a step back and look at the larger picture before us in life. This is how I have approached parenting myself and what I have felt and experienced from those around me. It’s not about age as true parenting is ageless and can come from anyone. Thank you Rosie.
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.” Sharing my mistakes and pitfalls with my children is a healing for us all, for it cuts with many of the parental ideals, empowers everyone and makes life a constant and equal unfoldment of learning and practice.
‘I’ve realised that I have no right to try to coerce my child to excel in a certain area of school because I might need that for my own recognition.’ I really love and appreciate what you are sharing here Rosie. So often I can see the damage done to a child’s sense of self worth when parents impose ideals upon them or want their kids to excel at something to satisfy their own needs (even if it is from the point of view that they need to be successful at something to get ahead in life). This ideal in no way supports a child to be appreciative of who they truly are as they feel that they are only worthy if they ‘do’. This puts a child into anxiousness and ultimately exhaustion as the body cannot sustain the consistent strain on the nervous system etc.. What is naturally there is so awesome if we just let it be. When a child really appreciates himself/herself and understands what their strengths are they will naturally find their own way – no effort needed.
How gorgeous that your daughter’s family extends beyond the usual members of the blood family. It is so supportive to both her and you that this love is shared between all of you.
There are so many nuggets of wisdom in this blog Rosie. “Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault. I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.” Again I used to have the same issue. When I was wobbly in myself my tendency wasn’t to look at my son’s choices objectively and see them as his – the boundaries got blurred and I would blame myself. This added complication which was totally unnecessary. As you say the key to parenting is simply to be our ‘true selves’. When we come from this foundation there is clarity and we don’t get drained. Parenting is then a joy and not a burden as we can read easily what is going on for our kids, we can talk to them and put in place the necessary boundaries to teach them ‘what is and what is not ok’. I also find that allowing my kids to make their choices and learn from their mistakes is the best way to teach them this.
“I have often thought that I was not a very good parent, but can today question this: by whose standards am I not enough? I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.” What you describe here is something I think that all parents can relate to. In the early days of my own parenting I would be quite harsh on myself and tell myself I was getting things all wrong but I wasn’t stopping to appreciate my own unique qualities as a person and how that supported my children. The things that come quite naturally to us are the things we often dismiss as not worthy of consideration but in fact can be an inspiration to others. Yesterday I was with a friend and her child and I was expressing with her as lovingly as I would do with my own children. My friend was inspired by this expression to her child and felt she could work on this herself more. Up until that moment I hadn’t fully appreciated this natural capability in not holding back the love in my heart for all the children I am in connection with.. After over 8 years of parenting this was a lovely ah ha moment and a beautiful confirmation of where I am getting things so right!
Rosie in a few weeks time myself and my wife Hannah will have our first child, reading your blog is very supportive. We have been fortunate enough to have some great support and guidance to listen to known-one and feel what is true for us. There is no doubt that many images of parenting come up, many ideals on how to be. One key thing you mentioned is not needing your child to be anything for you. If that one is lived I can see true and responsible parenting can natural occur. I love how you present parenting in the expansiveness it is, as well as touching on the fact we are never alone and everyone in our lives and a Childs life is a reflection to them.
There are beautiful gems throughout this blog Rosie. The power of love in action – living in a way that is inspiring another through reflection and accepting that their choices are important and empowering for them to learn from (adults and children alike).
“I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices”.
Rosie this is a great blog on parenting. In your sharing of how you used to do things and in sharing what you have learned you are supporting so many others to have a look at the choices they make through parenting. I totally agree with you about consistency and boundaries – children absolutely need those as they make them feel held and safe no matter what age they are. In my experience when kids push boundaries they are really relieved when you don’t cave and utterly respect you for that – they truly feel held and supported even if they grumble about it (teenagers as we know are especially good at this!)
Rosie, I love this blog with the deep wisdom, love and joy you share in every word of your story. Your daughter is blessed with your unfolding into true parenthood.
This is beautifully confirming of the fact ‘it’s not about what we do, but who we truly are’ that makes the difference in our lives and the lives of others.
Yes she is indeed blessed with the love that Rosie has given her- there is no perfection, there is only learning..
Thank you for your article Rosie, I could see as a child how my parents were going into comparison with other children or getting influenced by teachers and the whole academic system. This would also bring a lot of tension at home rather than being supportive. There was a lot of sadness in me as a child always thinking that I was not good enough in the eye of my parents and this would also bring a feeling of giving up in life!
yes tension in the home is unhelpful to say the least.
Being love to those around us, especially to those closest to us is an amazing achievement.
Rosie this one “It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way” is huge for me too. I still get myself tied up in knots, even on a subconscious level, by wanting my kids to choose certain things knowing they are much better for them. But truly who am I to know what is better for them. We are each on our own path of return and so each have our own lessons to learn….for ourselves!
A beautiful sharing, Rosie. I love your honesty with regards to the various beliefs and ideals we can put on ourselves as a parent. What I can feel in your writing is the freedom to just be yourself, and to allow you daughter to be herself in every way as well, with love as the consistent foundation of your relationship.
I love this blog Rosie, it touches on so many ideals and believes around parenting and it is absolutely amazing how you are allowing yourself to learn instead of having to be perfect. Isn’t that what life is – learning what is true to do in life and what not?
Yes it is a gorgeous blog that exposes much and also confirms our deep wisdom.
Rosie, I loved reading this article, as a parent to a young child i found what you have shared really supportive, until recently I did not ask for help from other people, not wanting to be a burden and thinking that I should be able to cope by myself, what has been really lovely is that when I have asked people for help with my son it has been a really enjoyable experience for everyone – they have enjoyed spending time with him and he with them, it has felt like true family even though they are not blood related and it feels very natural to support each other in this way.
It is natural for us to support each other and to live in community but we have made it unnatural, certainly in many countries. We isolate ourselves in our family units, as couples as well as in our small set groups and yes we might well socialise with others but this isn’t the same as living in community. Living in community is actually that ‘LIVING in community’, sharing our lives with others, not just our Saturday nights and birthdays.
Your last sentence Rosie changes the concept of parenting. “We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.” Children can feel when something is true or not and if either or both parents don’t live what they say this can set up conflicts that can have a lasting affect on the child or children. Parenting is not easy because most have not been parented from a place of true love, and it can be easy to bring in old beliefs and ideals that our parents had even if we try hard not to. Children have an amazing amount of wisdom and it is this we can nurture as parents, learning from them equally as they can learn from us.
Hi Rosie, it sounds like you have become a great mum, not only to your daughter but to all the children in your life. I always say that I take my hat off to single parents, even with the support of others. I know how hard it can be at times, even with both parents, when the battles occur that inevitably arise.
Thank you Kevin, it is important that we appreciate ourselves and each other. It felt lovely to read your comment. Why is it so often we focus on the not so good, rather than appreciate what we bring, and focus on that rather than judge and self bash. In doing this, we also support our children to not be so hard on themselves in a world that can be very demanding and challenging if you get caught up in the pictures of good and bad.
What an awesomely honesty and refreshing blog on parenting Rosie. My children are grown up now but it would have been so lovely and supportive to read your words when I too was struggling with being a parent. You express so eloquently so many pearls of wisdom that are worthy of a book, which I am sure would be a best seller as your words speak volumes of truth and would be a support to many, whether a single parent or not.
This blog reminded me of the power of humility and that we are all equal and here to live and learn together.
“I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.” It is such a challenging event becoming a parent. The only guide we truly have to fall back on is the way we were raised and our relationship to our own family, which can be both positive and negative. However, learning to create a solid steadiness within ourselves as we learn to accept and express who we are naturally forms most definitely a core part of parenting. As children life can be fairly daunting and if the adults we look to for care, support and guidance are steady, confident and honest, the child has a strong sense of where the shoreline is if we get into deep water. Although not a direct parent myself, I can really feel that by learning to just be myself and develop my self respect, care and nurturing, I have become very steady, open and dependable. I find it easy these days to support other people’s kids in the same way I support myself, with care, tenderness, appreciation and very healthy, supportive boundaries. Thank you Rosie, we give ourselves such a hard time for ‘not doing it right’, it is very uplifting to see how you have dealt with so many of the ideals and beliefs around parenting and found out who you are in the middle of it. What greater gift can we offer a child than the strong reflection that they are enough just being themselves and worth taking immense care of?
Wow Rosie, there is so much in your blog about this very important topic in our lives as we all know everyone has their own ideals and beliefs around parenting. There are countless books written about parenting but not one I’ve read has given me an answer. A lot of parents, parent from a reaction of their own childhood and I cannot say I escaped this one when my children were young. Now I know children are so much more than we think and we are here to guide them and it is crucial to not impose on them for whatever reason we may think we have the right to. I have made mistakes along the way and it is worth repeating your words as guilt is a big one in parenting; ‘I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters. We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.’
Being a parent is a constant learning. I soon realised that my children were teaching me how to be a parent while I was teaching them to be children and part of a family and community. The most important ingredient is love and consistency so that when you set boundaries the child knows this comes from love as they learn to be responsible for their own choices as part of the family and wider community.
We are all always teaching and inspiring each other, no matter who we are, our age, race or anything. Without each others reflection, we go no where.
‘I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not’. I found this approach also applies in my work with older people. As is having a true sense of self, otherwise it is easy to become overwhelmed by trying to be all things and not mastering any one,
Trying to be all things, to be there for everyone and not yourself is a disaster in the making! When we first care for ourselves, we can then care for others, but we also inspire others to also care for themselves first rather than seek and rely on others to fill them up.
Rosie a beautiful blog that will inspire others, not only parents. I love the inclusive family you describe, and your new awareness in recognising we are never alone. Ideals and beliefs hole us up in corners, when we could open up to the support that is out there for us. As a woman without a child of my own, over the years I have formed many close relationships with children of friends, family, colleagues, and neighbours. Embracing the truth that we are part of one universal family extends our responsibility not just to our own child, but all children.
And for people like me, the single parent, it is so beautiful to have people like you, who don’t have children around to support and be another light in the child’s life. Yesterday my daughter missed the bus, and I was already at work, so it only took a phone call and someone was there to support.
Learning the difference between guiding and it not being control as a parent I have found at times very challenging. Accepting, ” I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is”, I have found to be such a supportive path through this dilemma.
Thanks Rosie, there is so much here well worth sharing with other parents and also for others who work with children or have contact with children at some point which is most people. I acknowledge today that I did a great job of being parent and, at times, not so great. I hold no guilt around that now but put more importance on appreciating the amazing and beautiful people they still are today. I also appreciate now, since sharing memories of the past years with them, how much my children actually understood so much of what was going on around them – in fact more than I did. They held a wisdom I didn’t realise they held. Allowing our children to grow up with a strong sense of who they are themselves, without the measures, ideals, images we as parents/adults have and then enforce on them, will support them to grow into loving and responsible people of future generations.
Children hold wisdom just as adults do and are often more aware of everything that is going on around them, and can see through the many games and manipulations that adults have learnt to play. They may not let you know, but they know. It doesn’t matter what their age is, they feel and they know. Not from knowledge but from an inner knowing that they can connect to and haven’t learnt to doubt yet as many adults have. I love this clarity that children have. They can sense a rat, they can sense when something is not right and if we are to stop and learn and listen, we can learn so much from them, but to do this, at times we need to let go of any knowledge and pictures that we have taken on and be open to what they have to share.
I love what you have shared here Rosie, and I second all of it.
” The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking. We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings’. Just wonderful to read Rosie, just highlighting and expanding the perspective on ‘ family’, as I have also discovered this, family does not have to be only blood related and so my family has also expanded significantly.
I was a single parent too and I feel that is it really common to think that asking for support means that we are failures, which is so false. Asking for support allows others to know how they can truly support us, and most love to do so.
Inspiring Rosie. The thought of parenting for me raises so many notions I have of raising a child and what that looks like. These are images we are sold and I have seen many examples of parents who raise their child with love and shown it’s not about the “rules” but rather the quality of relationship that is shared that matters most. What that looks like is all based on what is needed at that time
Beautiful blog Rosie, on what parenting in truth is and you addressed many aspects that are related to parenting, such as the illusion that we as parents are the only contributor to, and responsible for, the up-grow of our children. But the truth is that there are many persons involved, be it our blood family or our extended family, teachers at school to name a few. All people that are in touch with a child are involved in their parenting but that is something that is not fully understood by most people yet. As you say, we all have something unique to reflect to a child, and we do not know beforehand what this unique experience will bring to the child that we are with, but we must be open to the magic of the constellation that brought us together and brings the lessons that are needed to be learned for both the ‘parent’ and the child.
I can relate as a single parent of 20 years to the many comparisons and ways to champion single parenting as a status or diminish single parenting as hard, difficult and isolating.
I have come to understand that a child is no better off, nor less off by having a sole parent and that the key to raising children is for us to know ourselves, live our true rhythm and offer to another a true living role model of Love and energetic responsibility – raising a child to their own potential and confirming their true quality.
This is so true and absolute gold Deborah. ‘The key to raising children is for us to know ourselves, live our true rhythm and offer to another a true living role model of Love and energetic responsibility – raising a child to their own potential and confirming their true quality’
How often as parents, we can blame ourselves, sacrifice ourselves and see our children as a reflection of our worth, a project, an adornment and an excuse to not live our own lives in full. As you have shared – if there is no true quality of us in the parenting then we are merely carrying out our particular flavour of a parenting picture – a role without substance, true connection or truth…Is it any wonder our parenting can become haphazard and skewed at best?
How we parent ourselves will have bearing on how we parent another.
I love this line Deborah and it is very true. We can only ever offer true support through our own reflection of how we live which makes the old saying “do as I say and not as I do” absolutely redundant.
Yes because we are a role model all the time and our actions are more powerful than our words.
It is wise for us to consider that we do not own another nor are we responsible for their choices. Our responsibility is to truth and to live a loving example for others to follow.
Yes, our responsibility is to make choices available but to let the other make their choices and consequences. Great point, Deborah.
I agree 100% Deborah, for we cannot control another, we only need to be 100% responsible for our own choices, movements and expressions.
When you consider that we can’t, in truth, control another then it really makes it very apparent just how ridiculous it is to spend so much time trying to do something that’s simply not possible. Oh and the amount of emotion, pain and suffering that goes hand in hand with our national pass time of controlling others is unimaginable.
Rosie, you are blowing ideals and beliefs out the window, awesome to read this. It is wonderful when we open up to family being more than just blood. Family is a feeling of togetherness, that we have each others back regardless of what happens in life. That we are there to support and help each other evolve, this is true family to me. This extends so much further than blood and opens us to true brotherhood when it is embraced.
Rosie, you have expressed so much about the highs and lows of parenting, but as you rightly express, that making mistakes allows us to learn more about ourselves and then be able to share that wisdom. I see that honouring ourselves is an important aspect of parenting too as the more we honour and appreciate the job we are doing the more that is shared too with our wider family – humanity.
Since writing this blog, I have also become aware of the relationship that I have with my parents, and that it in itself is a reflection for my daughter. So if I continue to be short and snappy with my parents, as I do at times, and have done so forever without ever considering it or how that feels or effects them, then that is what my daughter see’s as the normal, and accepted behaviour. So if I want anything to change, I need to make the changes in all relationships not just the one between mother and daughter.
Interesting, isn’t it, how we don’t see our parents in the truth of their situation – I hated my parents for sending us to boarding school in the UK while they remained in the Middle East (I was 6 years old when I first went). It never occurred to me until recently how it must have been for them to be without their three young daughters for 46 months of the year (we only saw them in the Summer holidays, it was too far to travel and we stayed with relatives or on a farm at Christmas and Easter)
The reason they sent us to boarding school was because of a belief that education was more important but as a result we were not close as a family, and we remained separate and distant to the end. Both my parents and one sister are dead and it is only now, aged 65, and thanks to the teachings of Universal Medicine, that am I learning to be truly intimate with others and to be more open and honest in my expression in the world.
As I was reading your comment Carmel, I felt that your parents were just doing what they felt was best at the time, and that was most likely based on ideals and beliefs and it probably broke their hearts having to send you away.