Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with as there are just so many ideals and beliefs on what a parent should look like and behave like.
There are also many parents who may make it look like everything is ‘all good’ on the outside but really you can feel that this may not always be the truth. Even writing on the subject of parenting felt like a topic that only certain people could possibly write about.
I have often thought that I was not a very good parent, but can today question this: by whose standards am I not enough? I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.
I now know that I am a great parent and the evidence is in my child, but I’ve realised that I don’t need any set result to be a parent, I just need to be my true self.
Parenting is a very individual experience and one that many can struggle with, particularly if we let ourselves be run by the many ideals and beliefs on how the perfect parent should be. I know that I have had many pictures in my head about what the perfect parent should look like.
One thing is for sure, I am not perfect and parenting really has taught me so much and continues to do so every day, in so many ways. It has not been easy and there have been many times that I have wanted to give up and run away, but I am still here 12 years later and I can look back on those years and really appreciate how far I have come and all that I have to offer as a parent, not just to my child but to all children in my life.
I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters. We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.
I am a single parent and have always used this fact to confirm to myself that I was somehow a victim, and that being a parent is so much harder for me, but the truth is, it really doesn’t matter whether you are single or not, it is how you choose to parent that matters most and that of course will depend on the individual child, as no two children are the same or need the same life teachings.
I used to think that it was hard as I was alone in this role of raising a child and everything depended on me, and if anything went wrong, or if my child made the wrong choices, it would be all my fault. How wrong was I!
First of all, to even think that I am the only person in my child’s life and her only influence is just crazy. I used to keep us separate from others without realising, and these days I have turned that around.
I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it. I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of.
What this has allowed me to see is that we are never alone and that we are part of a much bigger family, and that there is so much support there for us. It is amazing to recognise the impact this has on our lives.
Recently we celebrated my daughter’s 12th birthday and I decided to have a family dinner, as she didn’t want a party. It was very special as when thinking of who her family was, I had to invite quite a lot of people.
The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking. We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings.
How much we share and let others support us really is up to us. I no longer choose to be a single parent and go it alone.
I have also seen my responsibility as a parent does not only include my own child, but all children in my life equally, as they are all equally important. This does not mean I have to control other children but, rather than leave things to their mum or dad to sort out, I can talk to anyone’s children and bring their awareness to what’s going on. I can also encourage them and confirm them in ways that perhaps another cannot. If we all express our special qualities and what comes naturally to us and share this with others, we all benefit.
Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault. I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.
It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way. I’ve realised that I have no right to try to coerce my child to excel in a certain area of school because I might need that for my own recognition. It is also not my place to get in the way of her life and to fix things for her, otherwise she will not learn from her own choices and consequences. This has been a big lesson for me to learn and to surrender to – and one that I am still working on as I become more and more aware of my tendency to want things to be a certain way.
One thing that I am really learning about these days is my responsibility as a parent. I can honestly say that I have been through and trialled a few different parenting approaches and one that didn’t work at all was the ‘laissez-fair’ approach, which translates into just letting children do their own thing. I also tried the ‘no boundaries’ approach and let my daughter be a ‘free spirit’, but I am still dealing with the consequences of that today.
I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.
I used to need my child to like me and to be my friend, but because of this I was so easily manipulated into doing things that I didn’t want to do, or I allowed myself to be walked over. Through realising how damaging that was I have now stopped imposing myself on my child. She is not here to make me feel enough, or so I can be identified by her.
We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another. I am here to support and guide her but not control her. I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is.
By Rosie Bason
Further Reading:
Re-claiming the Responsibility of Being a Parent
Parenting from the Heart
Building true relationships and positive parenting
695 Comments
Children definitely love consistency, in fact adults too. When we observe consistency it is then easy to build trust and deepen relationships.
Rosie you have shared some great insights into true parenting. I am not a parent but have worked with lots of kids and what you say makes absolute sense. For sure kids need boundaries, but each day they have choices which then have consequences and there is nothing like life experience to self-educate.
“I now choose to let us be part of other people’s lives and ask for support when I need it. I used to think that asking for support meant that I was a failure, but realised that was just a belief I wasn’t aware of.” Asking for support is a ginormous step for many parents who as you say are wrapped up in these ideals that we need to do it alone, when the connection and reflections brought about by asking others can be a real blessing.
When reading this it feels like everyone can relate to this. I myself am not a parent but it made some much sense to the other areas of my life and in other relationships. For me being a parent is not about having a child, it’s a part of us, the bigger part, the more open and spacious part of us that is understanding and open to being more than what is currently being lived, it’s the part of us that is willing to take a step back and look at the larger picture before us in life. This is how I have approached parenting myself and what I have felt and experienced from those around me. It’s not about age as true parenting is ageless and can come from anyone. Thank you Rosie.
“We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.” Sharing my mistakes and pitfalls with my children is a healing for us all, for it cuts with many of the parental ideals, empowers everyone and makes life a constant and equal unfoldment of learning and practice.
‘I’ve realised that I have no right to try to coerce my child to excel in a certain area of school because I might need that for my own recognition.’ I really love and appreciate what you are sharing here Rosie. So often I can see the damage done to a child’s sense of self worth when parents impose ideals upon them or want their kids to excel at something to satisfy their own needs (even if it is from the point of view that they need to be successful at something to get ahead in life). This ideal in no way supports a child to be appreciative of who they truly are as they feel that they are only worthy if they ‘do’. This puts a child into anxiousness and ultimately exhaustion as the body cannot sustain the consistent strain on the nervous system etc.. What is naturally there is so awesome if we just let it be. When a child really appreciates himself/herself and understands what their strengths are they will naturally find their own way – no effort needed.
How gorgeous that your daughter’s family extends beyond the usual members of the blood family. It is so supportive to both her and you that this love is shared between all of you.
There are so many nuggets of wisdom in this blog Rosie. “Another big belief that I have had is that everything that my child chooses is my fault. I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices.” Again I used to have the same issue. When I was wobbly in myself my tendency wasn’t to look at my son’s choices objectively and see them as his – the boundaries got blurred and I would blame myself. This added complication which was totally unnecessary. As you say the key to parenting is simply to be our ‘true selves’. When we come from this foundation there is clarity and we don’t get drained. Parenting is then a joy and not a burden as we can read easily what is going on for our kids, we can talk to them and put in place the necessary boundaries to teach them ‘what is and what is not ok’. I also find that allowing my kids to make their choices and learn from their mistakes is the best way to teach them this.
“I have often thought that I was not a very good parent, but can today question this: by whose standards am I not enough? I can now clearly see how much I have compared myself to others, rather than really appreciating myself and my own experience of parenting.” What you describe here is something I think that all parents can relate to. In the early days of my own parenting I would be quite harsh on myself and tell myself I was getting things all wrong but I wasn’t stopping to appreciate my own unique qualities as a person and how that supported my children. The things that come quite naturally to us are the things we often dismiss as not worthy of consideration but in fact can be an inspiration to others. Yesterday I was with a friend and her child and I was expressing with her as lovingly as I would do with my own children. My friend was inspired by this expression to her child and felt she could work on this herself more. Up until that moment I hadn’t fully appreciated this natural capability in not holding back the love in my heart for all the children I am in connection with.. After over 8 years of parenting this was a lovely ah ha moment and a beautiful confirmation of where I am getting things so right!
Rosie in a few weeks time myself and my wife Hannah will have our first child, reading your blog is very supportive. We have been fortunate enough to have some great support and guidance to listen to known-one and feel what is true for us. There is no doubt that many images of parenting come up, many ideals on how to be. One key thing you mentioned is not needing your child to be anything for you. If that one is lived I can see true and responsible parenting can natural occur. I love how you present parenting in the expansiveness it is, as well as touching on the fact we are never alone and everyone in our lives and a Childs life is a reflection to them.
There are beautiful gems throughout this blog Rosie. The power of love in action – living in a way that is inspiring another through reflection and accepting that their choices are important and empowering for them to learn from (adults and children alike).
“I have come to realise and accept that I am here as a role model and as a reflection, but it is up to my child and other children in my life to make their own choices”.
Rosie this is a great blog on parenting. In your sharing of how you used to do things and in sharing what you have learned you are supporting so many others to have a look at the choices they make through parenting. I totally agree with you about consistency and boundaries – children absolutely need those as they make them feel held and safe no matter what age they are. In my experience when kids push boundaries they are really relieved when you don’t cave and utterly respect you for that – they truly feel held and supported even if they grumble about it (teenagers as we know are especially good at this!)
Rosie, I love this blog with the deep wisdom, love and joy you share in every word of your story. Your daughter is blessed with your unfolding into true parenthood.
This is beautifully confirming of the fact ‘it’s not about what we do, but who we truly are’ that makes the difference in our lives and the lives of others.
Yes she is indeed blessed with the love that Rosie has given her- there is no perfection, there is only learning..
Thank you for your article Rosie, I could see as a child how my parents were going into comparison with other children or getting influenced by teachers and the whole academic system. This would also bring a lot of tension at home rather than being supportive. There was a lot of sadness in me as a child always thinking that I was not good enough in the eye of my parents and this would also bring a feeling of giving up in life!
yes tension in the home is unhelpful to say the least.
Being love to those around us, especially to those closest to us is an amazing achievement.
Rosie this one “It is not my right to try to control or need things to be a certain way” is huge for me too. I still get myself tied up in knots, even on a subconscious level, by wanting my kids to choose certain things knowing they are much better for them. But truly who am I to know what is better for them. We are each on our own path of return and so each have our own lessons to learn….for ourselves!
A beautiful sharing, Rosie. I love your honesty with regards to the various beliefs and ideals we can put on ourselves as a parent. What I can feel in your writing is the freedom to just be yourself, and to allow you daughter to be herself in every way as well, with love as the consistent foundation of your relationship.
I love this blog Rosie, it touches on so many ideals and believes around parenting and it is absolutely amazing how you are allowing yourself to learn instead of having to be perfect. Isn’t that what life is – learning what is true to do in life and what not?
Yes it is a gorgeous blog that exposes much and also confirms our deep wisdom.
Rosie, I loved reading this article, as a parent to a young child i found what you have shared really supportive, until recently I did not ask for help from other people, not wanting to be a burden and thinking that I should be able to cope by myself, what has been really lovely is that when I have asked people for help with my son it has been a really enjoyable experience for everyone – they have enjoyed spending time with him and he with them, it has felt like true family even though they are not blood related and it feels very natural to support each other in this way.
It is natural for us to support each other and to live in community but we have made it unnatural, certainly in many countries. We isolate ourselves in our family units, as couples as well as in our small set groups and yes we might well socialise with others but this isn’t the same as living in community. Living in community is actually that ‘LIVING in community’, sharing our lives with others, not just our Saturday nights and birthdays.
Your last sentence Rosie changes the concept of parenting. “We are both here together to learn from each other, and we are equal, but as her parent I am here to show her by example rather than say one thing and live another.” Children can feel when something is true or not and if either or both parents don’t live what they say this can set up conflicts that can have a lasting affect on the child or children. Parenting is not easy because most have not been parented from a place of true love, and it can be easy to bring in old beliefs and ideals that our parents had even if we try hard not to. Children have an amazing amount of wisdom and it is this we can nurture as parents, learning from them equally as they can learn from us.
Hi Rosie, it sounds like you have become a great mum, not only to your daughter but to all the children in your life. I always say that I take my hat off to single parents, even with the support of others. I know how hard it can be at times, even with both parents, when the battles occur that inevitably arise.
Thank you Kevin, it is important that we appreciate ourselves and each other. It felt lovely to read your comment. Why is it so often we focus on the not so good, rather than appreciate what we bring, and focus on that rather than judge and self bash. In doing this, we also support our children to not be so hard on themselves in a world that can be very demanding and challenging if you get caught up in the pictures of good and bad.
What an awesomely honesty and refreshing blog on parenting Rosie. My children are grown up now but it would have been so lovely and supportive to read your words when I too was struggling with being a parent. You express so eloquently so many pearls of wisdom that are worthy of a book, which I am sure would be a best seller as your words speak volumes of truth and would be a support to many, whether a single parent or not.
This blog reminded me of the power of humility and that we are all equal and here to live and learn together.
“I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not.” It is such a challenging event becoming a parent. The only guide we truly have to fall back on is the way we were raised and our relationship to our own family, which can be both positive and negative. However, learning to create a solid steadiness within ourselves as we learn to accept and express who we are naturally forms most definitely a core part of parenting. As children life can be fairly daunting and if the adults we look to for care, support and guidance are steady, confident and honest, the child has a strong sense of where the shoreline is if we get into deep water. Although not a direct parent myself, I can really feel that by learning to just be myself and develop my self respect, care and nurturing, I have become very steady, open and dependable. I find it easy these days to support other people’s kids in the same way I support myself, with care, tenderness, appreciation and very healthy, supportive boundaries. Thank you Rosie, we give ourselves such a hard time for ‘not doing it right’, it is very uplifting to see how you have dealt with so many of the ideals and beliefs around parenting and found out who you are in the middle of it. What greater gift can we offer a child than the strong reflection that they are enough just being themselves and worth taking immense care of?
Wow Rosie, there is so much in your blog about this very important topic in our lives as we all know everyone has their own ideals and beliefs around parenting. There are countless books written about parenting but not one I’ve read has given me an answer. A lot of parents, parent from a reaction of their own childhood and I cannot say I escaped this one when my children were young. Now I know children are so much more than we think and we are here to guide them and it is crucial to not impose on them for whatever reason we may think we have the right to. I have made mistakes along the way and it is worth repeating your words as guilt is a big one in parenting; ‘I have learnt from my mistakes and have come to appreciate that as well as all the awesome choices I have made, and that is all that matters. We make mistakes, so what? What matters is how we deal with them and what we do next.’
Being a parent is a constant learning. I soon realised that my children were teaching me how to be a parent while I was teaching them to be children and part of a family and community. The most important ingredient is love and consistency so that when you set boundaries the child knows this comes from love as they learn to be responsible for their own choices as part of the family and wider community.
We are all always teaching and inspiring each other, no matter who we are, our age, race or anything. Without each others reflection, we go no where.
‘I’ve learnt that what does work for me is consistency, and boundaries are a loving thing to have in place as children then have a solid concept of what is okay and what is not’. I found this approach also applies in my work with older people. As is having a true sense of self, otherwise it is easy to become overwhelmed by trying to be all things and not mastering any one,
Trying to be all things, to be there for everyone and not yourself is a disaster in the making! When we first care for ourselves, we can then care for others, but we also inspire others to also care for themselves first rather than seek and rely on others to fill them up.
Rosie a beautiful blog that will inspire others, not only parents. I love the inclusive family you describe, and your new awareness in recognising we are never alone. Ideals and beliefs hole us up in corners, when we could open up to the support that is out there for us. As a woman without a child of my own, over the years I have formed many close relationships with children of friends, family, colleagues, and neighbours. Embracing the truth that we are part of one universal family extends our responsibility not just to our own child, but all children.
And for people like me, the single parent, it is so beautiful to have people like you, who don’t have children around to support and be another light in the child’s life. Yesterday my daughter missed the bus, and I was already at work, so it only took a phone call and someone was there to support.
Learning the difference between guiding and it not being control as a parent I have found at times very challenging. Accepting, ” I am here to be me so that she can see that just being herself is enough and that she doesn’t have to do anything to be someone, as she is already amazing as she is”, I have found to be such a supportive path through this dilemma.
Thanks Rosie, there is so much here well worth sharing with other parents and also for others who work with children or have contact with children at some point which is most people. I acknowledge today that I did a great job of being parent and, at times, not so great. I hold no guilt around that now but put more importance on appreciating the amazing and beautiful people they still are today. I also appreciate now, since sharing memories of the past years with them, how much my children actually understood so much of what was going on around them – in fact more than I did. They held a wisdom I didn’t realise they held. Allowing our children to grow up with a strong sense of who they are themselves, without the measures, ideals, images we as parents/adults have and then enforce on them, will support them to grow into loving and responsible people of future generations.
Children hold wisdom just as adults do and are often more aware of everything that is going on around them, and can see through the many games and manipulations that adults have learnt to play. They may not let you know, but they know. It doesn’t matter what their age is, they feel and they know. Not from knowledge but from an inner knowing that they can connect to and haven’t learnt to doubt yet as many adults have. I love this clarity that children have. They can sense a rat, they can sense when something is not right and if we are to stop and learn and listen, we can learn so much from them, but to do this, at times we need to let go of any knowledge and pictures that we have taken on and be open to what they have to share.
I love what you have shared here Rosie, and I second all of it.
” The concept of family just being blood related is so restrictive and we all miss out with that kind of thinking. We used to think our family was just my daughter, myself and my dad, but this family gathering had 4 mothers, 2 fathers, 3 grand parents, an uncle and aunt and 6 siblings’. Just wonderful to read Rosie, just highlighting and expanding the perspective on ‘ family’, as I have also discovered this, family does not have to be only blood related and so my family has also expanded significantly.
I was a single parent too and I feel that is it really common to think that asking for support means that we are failures, which is so false. Asking for support allows others to know how they can truly support us, and most love to do so.
Inspiring Rosie. The thought of parenting for me raises so many notions I have of raising a child and what that looks like. These are images we are sold and I have seen many examples of parents who raise their child with love and shown it’s not about the “rules” but rather the quality of relationship that is shared that matters most. What that looks like is all based on what is needed at that time
Beautiful blog Rosie, on what parenting in truth is and you addressed many aspects that are related to parenting, such as the illusion that we as parents are the only contributor to, and responsible for, the up-grow of our children. But the truth is that there are many persons involved, be it our blood family or our extended family, teachers at school to name a few. All people that are in touch with a child are involved in their parenting but that is something that is not fully understood by most people yet. As you say, we all have something unique to reflect to a child, and we do not know beforehand what this unique experience will bring to the child that we are with, but we must be open to the magic of the constellation that brought us together and brings the lessons that are needed to be learned for both the ‘parent’ and the child.
I can relate as a single parent of 20 years to the many comparisons and ways to champion single parenting as a status or diminish single parenting as hard, difficult and isolating.
I have come to understand that a child is no better off, nor less off by having a sole parent and that the key to raising children is for us to know ourselves, live our true rhythm and offer to another a true living role model of Love and energetic responsibility – raising a child to their own potential and confirming their true quality.
This is so true and absolute gold Deborah. ‘The key to raising children is for us to know ourselves, live our true rhythm and offer to another a true living role model of Love and energetic responsibility – raising a child to their own potential and confirming their true quality’
How often as parents, we can blame ourselves, sacrifice ourselves and see our children as a reflection of our worth, a project, an adornment and an excuse to not live our own lives in full. As you have shared – if there is no true quality of us in the parenting then we are merely carrying out our particular flavour of a parenting picture – a role without substance, true connection or truth…Is it any wonder our parenting can become haphazard and skewed at best?
How we parent ourselves will have bearing on how we parent another.
I love this line Deborah and it is very true. We can only ever offer true support through our own reflection of how we live which makes the old saying “do as I say and not as I do” absolutely redundant.
Yes because we are a role model all the time and our actions are more powerful than our words.
It is wise for us to consider that we do not own another nor are we responsible for their choices. Our responsibility is to truth and to live a loving example for others to follow.
Yes, our responsibility is to make choices available but to let the other make their choices and consequences. Great point, Deborah.
I agree 100% Deborah, for we cannot control another, we only need to be 100% responsible for our own choices, movements and expressions.
When you consider that we can’t, in truth, control another then it really makes it very apparent just how ridiculous it is to spend so much time trying to do something that’s simply not possible. Oh and the amount of emotion, pain and suffering that goes hand in hand with our national pass time of controlling others is unimaginable.
Rosie, you are blowing ideals and beliefs out the window, awesome to read this. It is wonderful when we open up to family being more than just blood. Family is a feeling of togetherness, that we have each others back regardless of what happens in life. That we are there to support and help each other evolve, this is true family to me. This extends so much further than blood and opens us to true brotherhood when it is embraced.
Rosie, you have expressed so much about the highs and lows of parenting, but as you rightly express, that making mistakes allows us to learn more about ourselves and then be able to share that wisdom. I see that honouring ourselves is an important aspect of parenting too as the more we honour and appreciate the job we are doing the more that is shared too with our wider family – humanity.
Since writing this blog, I have also become aware of the relationship that I have with my parents, and that it in itself is a reflection for my daughter. So if I continue to be short and snappy with my parents, as I do at times, and have done so forever without ever considering it or how that feels or effects them, then that is what my daughter see’s as the normal, and accepted behaviour. So if I want anything to change, I need to make the changes in all relationships not just the one between mother and daughter.
Interesting, isn’t it, how we don’t see our parents in the truth of their situation – I hated my parents for sending us to boarding school in the UK while they remained in the Middle East (I was 6 years old when I first went). It never occurred to me until recently how it must have been for them to be without their three young daughters for 46 months of the year (we only saw them in the Summer holidays, it was too far to travel and we stayed with relatives or on a farm at Christmas and Easter)
The reason they sent us to boarding school was because of a belief that education was more important but as a result we were not close as a family, and we remained separate and distant to the end. Both my parents and one sister are dead and it is only now, aged 65, and thanks to the teachings of Universal Medicine, that am I learning to be truly intimate with others and to be more open and honest in my expression in the world.
As I was reading your comment Carmel, I felt that your parents were just doing what they felt was best at the time, and that was most likely based on ideals and beliefs and it probably broke their hearts having to send you away.