Recently I took a group of children for some ball games at a school holiday activity club. The activity was informal and all about play. In this session it was brilliant to observe the children at play and to see how their attitude towards playing was influenced by my own approach to teaching and also shaped by their own interests, not any impressed-upon beliefs.
The session wasn’t really about learning the skill, it was about having fun, being inclusive and getting lots of exercise. I took quite a laidback approach to the session, but also was watching intently to see who was getting to play and who might be missing out.
I had recently had a conversation about competition with a colleague at work: I believe competition is overemphasised and doesn’t actually reflect our societies – or indeed need to be fostered, as the age-old argument states. My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them. I believe this will give us a more rewarding life than being ultra-competitive. There are of course contradictions to this but they are most often in the world of big business and high-end sport where corruption and underhand tactics are rife, and I for one don’t want to teach any child to become good at that.
Back to the ball game: my approach to teaching children’s games has changed over the years and I prefer to be softly spoken as much as possible, so my approach to this session was to be a facilitator and try and keep the game going while ensuring everyone got a turn… not winding up the children into a frenzy with loud shouting, or keeping score. This allowed for a very relaxed atmosphere; I saw how this allowed the children to just be themselves, to act naturally, not play to a coach’s tune or feel they needed to prove themselves and seek recognition.
We ended up playing for nearly three hours with children coming and going from the game, and by the end of the time all the children had taken on the approach of supporting one another to be involved. In fact during the session I can’t remember one child complaining about another or saying “it’s not fair,” or asking for there to be a scoring system. All the children were just content to have a hit of the ball and attempt to play some good shots, of which they sometimes offered encouragement if another did particularly well. No one got irritated or impatient if a younger child didn’t manage something so well.
What also struck me on reflection afterwards was how relaxed the children were – there was none of the tension I have seen so often in children when they are trying to execute a skill under pressure.
I put a lot of this down to the environment; that it was not about needing to score points and be better than another. So while there were two teams and they were trying to beat the other team on a point, ultimately none of the children cared at all about this; it was irrelevant during the session and not even a consideration at the end.
I have been involved in children’s games and sports for 15 years now and during that time I have listened to and been party myself in the past to the belief that we need to make games competitive. “It gives the less academic children an opportunity to shine” is another argument. But this session reinforced my now ‘contrary feelings’ that activity is much more rewarding when cooperation, fun and health are to the forefront of what we offer.
I see competition now as much more corrosive than I did before. I see how it crushes certain children and makes others angst-ridden, short-tempered, argumentative and not fun to be around. This is not at all preparing them for life but making them less sure of themselves in certain situations or needy for recognition to fuel their actions. Children become more brittle through competition, not less!
If we have less academic children then is there not opportunity to take this cooperation into the classroom too, where more able children can support less able children in their learning, rather than separating individuals into their little compartments of success and leaving them to struggle alone with their challenges.
I see now many adults who are unsure of themselves in social situations and how we can link this to the overemphasis on winning, being the best, achieving, when exercise and learning should be about playing together, having fun, making friends, laughing and socialising.
Whatever a teacher or coach experienced themselves at school or in sports, does not need to be what we offer children today. To make our games evolving and move beyond what we have done before, a different approach is needed: that games are about fun, learning and inclusive of everyone. Cooperation, togetherness, harmony – children going home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel. Competition, Cooperation – the difference really is astounding.
By Stephen
Further Reading:
My Reflection on Competition and Sport
Ball games for kids: Co-operative learning or a not-so-healthy competitive race?
Competition or connection: What are students really learning?
Stephen what you are sharing here is amazing – that children can just have fun and enjoy themselves, without the need to be competitive.
Competition adds up to us being in comparison and it’s twin sister judgement and these factor make others feel lesser than and as you have shared Stephen, so much open-ness and harmony allows us all to evolve when we are co-operating in all we do
Greg I have watched how competition and its twin sister judgement eats away at people’s self confidence. I work in sales and the market is extremely tough, but the parent company anticipates receiving a healthy profit this year and an even higher profit margin in 2022. This has put enormous strain on the sales team and even though the company talks about everyone being part of a ‘team’ and working as a collective,management are just mouthing words. Competition against each other is constantly encouraged, so there is no harmony and there is certainly no team, it’s all an illusion. A member of the sales team recently stepped down from front line sales to take a customer care role because the pressure to make sales at any cost was too much for them, they could not take the strain of the competition any longer. What is competition doing to our well-being when people fear for their job security if they do not bring in the sales expected of them and are compared month on month to their fellow ‘team’ members? And what behaviours are we encouraging when No one likes to be at the bottom of the sales league table? What are all these corporations doing with their money? We can see from the poverty levels in society that the rich are not giving to the poor, because the rich are getting richer and the poor poorer, so what is the real impact on people and our society when we herald competition…
“harmony – children going home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel” This should be how it is for every child in the class as they learn to study and play together.
Over emphasising winning has helped generations of children to grow up lost to who they truly are.
When we are given space to express, we are actually able to express and execute tasks in a way which comes natural and free-flowing. The quality of these tasks then varies greatly because they come from a place which no mind/ force can create.
Life is so much simpler when we learn to get on so introducing this at a young age will be world changing.
Competition is corrosive it also sets up to fail for when one wins over another – no-one truly wins.
“The session wasn’t really about learning the skill, it was about having fun, being inclusive and getting lots of exercise.” How refreshing. So many games for children are about winning and being competitive. No fun there, especially if you lose….
Teach any child and encourage Competition and the child will be left to feel alone, teach a child and encourage Cooperation and the child will grow up knowing we are all the same.
I totally agree with what you have expressed Anonymous, having watched my child go through the education system, I have seen first hand that competition is encouraged. For example at infant school comparison was used between children regarding their reading and writing skills. Johnny got gold stars because he was great at reading and Alice didn’t get a gold star. She didn’t get any stars because she couldn’t read very well. This way of teaching is rife which as you say can make a child feel alone. This can set a child up to believe they are not clever, it can trigger self worth issues based on looking outside of themselves to what others are doing. And we now know that when you start to look outside of yourself to others and the outside world then you leave behind the true you. Which is why the education system is set up the way it is, to get the child to look outside for the answers and not within for the answers.
How come we put so much emphasis on our children getting university degrees so they can get ‘good’ jobs and have a ‘secure’ income for life. We don’t look at how they got the university degrees or what they put themselves through to get that piece of paper. We just champion the piece of paper. If this model is working, why is it that we have high rates of young people suiciding? Are we prepared to ask the question: is the education system which is based on competition and comparison truly working?
Having fun and being playful is so innate for children. When allowed to be just that, without any imposition, children naturally, (for the most part) get on well and are very harmonious together. Add in a ‘bit’ of competition and watch all of that go out the door.
There are many adults unsure of themselves in social situations and why is this? its because they did not learn to keep who they where and instead sold out to an competitive image of who they should be.
Yes LE – we have so many ‘shoulds’ from our mind in life rather than feeling from our body what is appropriate for any given situation.
How can any of us be confident when we’re as real as a hologram? Most of us are pictures layered upon pictures layered upon pictures and so we’re bound to feel flakey when we’re with others. In contrast when we’re deeply connected to the truth of who we are we’re rock solid, an immovable and yet ever responsive being whose roots go down deep into the belly of life.
LE, I have observed this too that we feel we need a glass of alcohol to give us the confidence ( dutch courage) to be in social conditions.
I agree, all schools and activities would benefit the children by adding ‘cooperation, fun, health, inclusiveness and harmony’ to all they bring as was done in this example.
Allowing the children to just be themselves, to not to seek recognition, seems a great way to support the children during these activities, ‘I saw how this allowed the children to just be themselves, to act naturally, not play to a coach’s tune or feel they needed to prove themselves and seek recognition.’
I watched a child recently, who is gorgeous and sweet, completely change when becoming competitive in a game. Our compulsion to win at all costs brings out the monster in us… from being prepared to cheat, change the rules as we go along, become argumentative and tantrum if we don’t get our way. I think we have seen this within ourselves at some point in our lives, until we learnt otherwise.
‘My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition…There are of course contradictions to this, but they are most often in the world of big business and high-end sport where corruption and underhand tactics are rife…’ If we lived in cooperation and collaboration in life in general, then business and all other aspects of society would change as a reflection of this.
Excellent blog Stephen, “I see now many adults who are unsure of themselves in social situations and how we can link this to the overemphasis on winning, being the best, achieving” so sad that as young children we are often made to compete against our fellow brothers, this directly effects relationships we are made to love and support one another not to be better than another.
It’s refreshing to hear how you allows these children robustness be themselves and play on their own Terms without competition. This is a great reflection to them.
“Whatever a teacher or coach experienced themselves at school or in sports, does not need to be what we offer children today.” This ultimately says that we can let go of our past hurts and then don’t have to have other people go through the same thing as we went through.
Sport, in the sense of throwing a ball or something like that, can be so much fun if we do it without the competition. I would never like the competition brought in because it did not give me space to learn and enjoy as it all had to be quick and good.
Great observations Stephen, something we could as adults remember more of. Making the playing about having fun and not getting caught up in rules and what they should or should not be doing.
If we allow children to be themselves they naturally know how to play and have fun, for enjoying life is about being present in and with each moment.
Very true, we just need to leave them alone and naturally they will know what to do and how to be with each other.
I went to a sports day yesterday where there were football and netball teams from different schools in the area playing against one another, a day that was, you could say purposely set up for competition before playing any sport. And as I sit here pondering on the words competition and cooperation and what this blog is offering, I think about the day and what it could offer. What if every child from a different school got together and made it about fun and cooperation getting to know other children and not compete against them to win? How would the day have been? How would every child feel and not what I saw yesterday – happy when they were winning and miserable when they lost? The question is are we as adults ready for a day like this where there is a togetherness, bonding and play instead of winning and the seeking for our children/school to do well?
I must say, I have never had such an experience as the game described by Stephen when growing up. It is so simple and effective.
I agree ‘we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them’ we need to make it about connection and cooperation. Even services who’s aim is to support young people compete over who is better than another. Its crazy. What are we teaching young people about relationships when we do this? What are we teaching anyone about anything when we do this?!! Competition is so not the way forward. Cooperation and Connection is ✨
‘…life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition.’ I absolutely agree with you Stephen, there are so many brilliant points you’ve raised here and what you’ve shared explains so much about why our society is the way it is on so many levels. It is natural for us to cooperate but when competitiveness comes in it is a sign we have stepped away from our natural essence which results in disharmony, conflict, and abuse. We have to harden our body in order to compete and this is going against our natural make-up.
If we play ball with competition, we sell ourselves into a game that will own us for life and leave us far short of the true beauty and exquisite harmony we each in essence are.
So true Liane and when we look around, we can already see the damage of competitiveness and how this game has impacted our society on a global scale. We are collectively celebrating and rewarding competitiveness instead of cooperation, unity and living from our essence.
I love this suggestion…”If we have less academic children then is there not opportunity to take this cooperation into the classroom too, where more able children can support less able children in their learning, rather than separating individuals into their little compartments of success and leaving them to struggle alone with their challenges.” And we all have strengths and understanding in different areas, and so we all have something to learn and teach one another.
My daughter has recently been buddied up with a classmate so she can help him with some of the schoolwork he is struggling with and that she is strong in. Her teacher saw this as a great way to not only support the other student in his work but also to support my daughter socially. It was a win/win all around and how it should be in the classroom of life. We are not designed to be good at everything (and how boring it would be if we were!) We are designed to work together. It takes a true teacher to help foster this quality in their students and it takes a true student to be willing to go there. This is how we resurrect out true normal.
If competition was replaced by co-operation it would revolutionise our whole world. A true game changer.
Yes, as a starter we would be far less exhausted.
From what I am observing, the more competitive a person is, the more insecure they are yet they will argue that sport builds confidence but what is the true meaning of confidence I ask? True confidence doesn’t come and go eg. we can feel confident after winning but what happens there after? Could winning be a false, temporary moment or moments of what we perceive as confidence? What if we can feel confident in every moment without any excitement or heightened elevation? What if true confidence is simply being present with ourselves?
Re-reading this shows just how much we do not work with inclusiveness, equality and collaboration in our workplaces and rather more individuality, competition and self-drive. May be every office and workplace should have a toy ball for meetings to be based on enjoying a new way of working together.
Observation and reading is key in feeling the group and knowing what is needed at any one time. No wonder the children went home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel.
I used to think that children love to play games that are competitive but I now understand how harmful this game can be for us all. When you look at the many children’s games offered to them, nearly all of them are about competition and numbing their senses. How is this nurturing and growing our children if they are constantly shown that this is how life should be, about competition and winning?
Reading and connection is TRUE EDUCATION. Anything else is offering an assortment of tick boxes to please yet no learning and appreciation of one another has taken place.
Competition does breed anxiety. It also breeds superiority and a lack of considering everyone all together. There is an us and them which is very divisive. I love how you share, Steven how the three hours went… everyone relaxed enjoying the exercise and each other. That’s how it should be.
I love what you present here Stephen and I used to love playing games where the outcome didn’t really matter, there was a great freedom to explore within them.
I remember giving up on playing netball at primary school because my teacher insisted I keep shooting goals in my break times as I was ‘good at it’ and she wanted me to be better, I wasn’t allowed to play. I feel now I was good at it because there was a wonder in throwing and having it fall through the hoop like magic. When I was expected to keep improving I got to the point that it felt more like torture than fun and the joy went out of it, I could no longer play, no longer get the ball through the hoop because I was ‘trying’. That was so crushing and I lost all appetite for that kind of sport.
There are very strong beliefs around sport and physical activity for kids that promotes competition. I hear all the reasons and justifications for why it is good to compete, yet wanting to win, being devasted by losing, taking sides all sound like things that lead to the downfall of our relationships. We are already struggling to make our relationships last let alone be loving, so do we need to add these competitive beliefs to the mix?
Great point Fiona and if we are teaching children to be competitive then this is setting them up to numb their sensitivity, harden their body and play a game that no one wins.
Wherever we lose our sense of togetherness we lose our sense of true purpose, and how we are a responsible part of a whole. How valuable it is to learn to play together, honor and support each other to be part of the fun and games as these are true life skills that our children deserve to learn, that confirm who they naturally are.
If we observe what happens to our body when we are put into a competitive situation compared to when we are in an cooperative situation. Our body will tell us loud and clear what feels true and what doesn’t. I know for myself when I am being competitive, it feels awful in my body. I can feel tensed, hard, anxious, heavy, racy and separate from people, whereas when I am in full cooperation with everyone, there is a warmth, lightness, joy and harmony in my body. The contrast is huge, it makes me wonder why our world is currently predominately run on competitiveness when it makes us feel so awful and even ill?
Yes. I love this too, Gill. What may have been our experience does not need to be perpetuated if we feel the ill and devastation of it. In fact it is our responsibility to break the cycles of repetition and show an alternative approach.
What an insightful read on how we can be given the gift of breaking the cycle of our history with school and sports.
Life, play and physical activity without competition… something I see as our future and look forward to immensely.
I love your conclusion, that “competition makes children more brittle and not less”. Competition and keeping a score are used as incentives but what does it mean? Does it mean that we don’t enjoy what we are doing unless we can win at something, triumph over or outdo another? If that is all that keeps us going, would we be better off giving this whole competition thing the flick?
I agree, Stephen, competition is sold to us as being a ‘good thing’ and the way we developed (natural selection) as human beings, but the truth is very far from that. It is interesting that you link poor social skills with competition and I feel you may be right – as soon as we introduce any element of approval, being right, being best, then anxiety creeps in and destroys potential. I feel that all children whatever their ability can shine and it takes a teacher with your approach to generate that feeling of equality in all of them.
When we are not driven by what society applauds and values, we know the feeling of being caring and considerate of others is what brings joy and harmony. We have to harden up to want to beat another person and the moment of elation wears off pretty quick leaving us feeling empty and isolated. Whereas a moment of connection, opens our heart and expands the possibilities of what we feel.
What an amazing new imprint you are approaching through having no investment of modelling and inciting children. They are truly blessed, as they will never forget, the spaciousness in their body, compared to the tightness &compression, when you are competing with one another.
Wow, reading this “It gives the less academic children an opportunity to shine” makes my stomach turn around. What a great judgement we as kids are already exposed to. What if shining means, embracing yourself without measure of being better or less good than another?!
Thank you for sharing Stephen – it sounds like you had a very expansive experience with the kids, allowing them to feel that competition and comparison did not need to come into sport. This is so unusual and yet huge as it allows children to feel how playing together can be about supporting each other and not beating each other. No one has to walk away less.
What a wonderful foundation children would be able to develop in their lives if the focus at school, and in life in general, was on cooperation not competition. Learning to work in harmony with those around them and supporting others when they need it would engender a very different generation of children as they grow into adulthood and venture out into this currently extremely competitive world.
True education is about connection of both the student and teacher as equals so that the gold is offered by both to learn and grow. Far from the model we are currently experiencing in our worlds educational systems.
Imagine if, not just for children in school, we held cooperation greater than competition in all aspects of life… we would live in a world that would be fundamentally different.
“it was about having fun,”
Truly as a child thats what all learning should be about, learning being all that you are and thats fun.
My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them. I believe this will give us a more rewarding life than being ultra-competitive. Beautifully said Stephen so true and the joy of children and who we all are is very precious to feel and allow to be in our lives.
Games always seemed abstract and obscure to me – fantasies that we have consciously dreamed up. Competition is the same because we all innately know that we are here to work together not defeat and tear each other apart. Competition is horrible game where we all loose. Thanks for your sharing Stephen.
And when we do win how long does the glory last? Not long at all. On the other hand the glory of being who we truly are is never ending and forever deepening, each day is a ‘win’ of far greater magnitude than any gold medal can ever produce. And if this sounds airy fairy then simply to add that it’s not, it’s actually the very nuts and bolts of Life.
” If we have less academic children then is there not opportunity to take this cooperation into the classroom too, where more able children can support less able children in their learning, rather than separating individuals into their little compartments of success and leaving them to struggle alone with their challenges.”
Yes there is a great opportunity .
Imagining when theses kids group up and they just share skill with each what a society we would have.
If we are really honest with ourselves we can see that the impact of competition is one of the most devastating and separative things in the world. A focus on winning (beating another) on an individual, group, business, national, continental level… nobody truly wins and we are living in the outplay of this in the ongoing conflict everywhere. Competition is one aspect of the madness we have created on earth.
The more I explore, read about and observe competition, the more I see the absolute degradation of our true nature that it causes. It really is the opposite of the way we yearn to be with each other… working together, respectful, supportive and collaborative.
It certainly is Matilda, competitiveness goes against our nature and who we are but so many people get sucked in it because it is happening all around us and we think this is normal. But when we stop this momentum and honestly ask ourselves how we feel when competitiveness is driving us, the answer would be very clear.
Competition can be so crushing on children, as someone winning must be at the expense of someone losing or being less than. If we are all equal in essence and we are not what we do the process of competition is against our natural flow and harmony.
I’ve subscribed to competitions for far too long, whether that is to be smarter, faster, richer, cooler… you name it we can play it out anywhere. Its totally devoid of any care or understanding or connection with our fellow human beings. The most selfish of whims that is fed by comparison and jealousy in case someone else is doing better than us.
I couldn’t agree more, “This is not at all preparing them for life but making them less sure of themselves in certain situations or needy for recognition to fuel their actions. Children become more brittle through competition, not less!” and if you look around a work place, you see this still playing out in adults. There was an email at work this week about striving to be recognized for what you do. For me, this was indicative of how competition has dis-empowered our lives more than we realise. If we are waiting for someone to recognize what we have done to then appreciate it or ourselves then we are forever at the mercy of what others think of us and craving another tick of approval.
Yes, games need to be fun, inclusive and children enjoying moving and being with their bodies in harmony.
This so flies in the face of what is considered normal these days – the notion that competition is innate and healthy – I have worked with children a lot and have observed that competition is a learnt behaviour that overrides our natural collaboration and understanding of the fact that we are all connected; working together to live in a unified way.
I know when I have looked after kids that at times it seems easier to go along with the needs that they are asking for but in the long run it creates a situation where you feel and see the impact. Then it came to a point of reflecting to myself what needs did I have to not call it out in the first place.
Great point you make here Stephen that the corruption, greed and destructive competitiveness that we all get affected by and complain about in the wider world starts in the school playground and education systems that we not only ignore or avoid challenging but actually endorse, purely out of the fear of not wanting our child to get left behind or eaten up in a dog-eat-dog world.
I never liked PE (physical education) at school because of the competition and the hardness of it. If exercise was about cooperation and play I reckon many more would enjoy it.
I agree, Leigh, and we could develop our relationship with our bodies, building our fitness working with them, rather than pushing them through pain whilst pitting ourselves against others.
I reckon so Leigh. Our education system promotes competition and sports is a huge part of this. If we change it around and make sports about having fun and cooperation without an ounce of competitiveness, I feel everyone will leave a game feeling like everyone is a winner.
Competition is a killer to connection. It’s really that simple. Everytime I feel I’m getting a little competitive I look to where I’m feeling insecure. Look at this and bring love and understanding to myself and I drop the competition and can connect with those around me and learn and grow from them. We are designed to work together but so often, even though we may get told to work as a team, it’ll be in competition with another team or to be the best. The joy of working together is then lost or diminished or, for me, a belief was enforced that we only work together well when it’s against another. It’s wonderful to embrace the truth that we naturally work together when we let ourselves be.
I recently held a staff meeting at work and reflecting on it afterward can feel that there was a lack of connection and engagement between the staff present. This blog inspires me that the key to people being together and working or playing is in joyful cooperation. Inspired – Time for total redesign of staff meetings.
Super cool to put what we learn into practise, making theory and knowledge into a living thing. Thank you, Michael, for this practical and applicable inspiration.
‘life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them. ‘ Well said Stephen… and take the pressure off having to perform and be something that we are not.
If we support our children, work colleagues and society as a whole to drop the ‘competition’ and let in the ‘cooperation’ we start to change the world in many more ways than we ever knew is possible. I love how simple this change could be.
I would love to be able to see a parallel world just like ours and see how advanced society would be if their emphasis was on cooperation instead of competition. I feel spiritually, soulfully and technologically they would be light years ahead of us.
I love your comment that competition is corrosive and makes children more brittle; competition is something that gets introduced into children from a young age because the adults think it is a normal part of life. Yes, we might have normalised it but it is not natural to pit one human being against another, small or big.
Beautifully said, Gabriele. We perpetuate a cycle of competition and pitting ourselves against one another, repeating our experiences because it is our normal… when we stop for a moment and consider, we can feel that competition is not natural to us at all; that it actually rents us apart from one another.
I am struck by so many things in this blog that means we can learn cooperation rather than competition and the effect that has on the body. I love that the kids were keen to play for 3 hours – that is unheard of in so many spaces I am in. I wonder, if what you brought to the session when you didn’t speak loudly or ra ra them, was an opportunity to have a go and feel the fun in connection and of teamwork so they could remain in their bodies which meant they didn’t get exhausted by the activity.
I would say yes Lucy, and because they weren’t ra ra’ed they didn’t ‘need’ or were looking for the next thing to give them a rise or excitement. Many of us think that’s what kids want or kids need to keep them interested but it most definitely is not. Could that be why many kids crave screen time and sugary foods and drinks? Because they have not been met in equalness and have been supported through activities to stay elevated during their day.
‘Whatever a teacher or coach experienced themselves at school or in sports, does not need to be what we offer children today.’ It’s so simple really, isn’t it? It only takes a momentary glimpse into what we truly felt as children attending school or playing competitive sports to call in to question whether there isn’t a better way. Allowing our children to connect rather than compete has the potential to change the world.
Cooperation not competition. This understanding has the power to change so much in the world for the better. Imagine the world of work with this as a fundamental value.
It is inspiring to consider what our world, work, relationships… actually everything, will look like when we collaborate and cooperate with one another. I am going to take this to work today…
I’ve heard it say, being competitive is healthy. How can it be healthy if both sides are trying to beat the other and using all of their energy and focus to do that, this would be a huge drain on the kidneys. And then neither wins because whether you win or loose, you’re both going to get drained from the investment to win and then the winner will feel the emptiness when the excitement wears off and the looser will feel totally flat because they lost. Doesn’t make sense at all.
There is such a difference when we work with each other rather than trying to compete. In essence I work in sales and so often people try to peg us against each other but forget that we so often achieve far more when we work with and support each other. Everyone also feels the difference and no one then loses.
Inequality in all its forms poisons us. Whether it is elevating some or excluding others, anything that plays ball with our need to feel wanted and special is part of a loose loose game for humanity. No matter how big or small, it effects us all. Thank you Stephen.
‘life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition’ When I hear people speak about their jobs one of the things they love or miss in a job is the team work, the sense of working together for a common goal.
Playing in harmony together is so appealing, allowing the fun to just be there, ‘I saw how this allowed the children to just be themselves, to act naturally, not play to a coach’s tune or feel they needed to prove themselves and seek recognition.’
Its interesting how the word ‘game’ has become a synonym for the word ‘competition’ (just think Olympic Games). Yet if I just stand back a half inch, isn’t the word game all about fun? How did we change it so completely, and what are we offering the world these days with our ultra competitive sports rather than games by which we explore, learn and get an opportunity to work together?
Yes, good point. In order to ‘play’ these sports at ultra competitive levels they need to harden their bodies which means they lack the delicacy of feeling the finer details and fun that comes from connection without competition. I know this is certainly true from my body’s experience with sport and has taken years to undo.
A point of inspiration for the beginning of the new year and new terms of school all over the world. One step at a time, one teacher at a time, inspired and supported by the insight in articles such as these, there is a real opportunity to inspire collaboration rather than perpetuate competition.
There is nothing lovelier than seeing children play in harmony together… this is our natural way. Yet, all the conditioning and having to get ahead by way of competition disables the harmony that is instinctive.
What you present here Stephen is a very different definition of true success, being about collaboration and the ability to listen/learn in life and with others rather than competing and coming out ‘on top’. What does coming out ‘on top’ really do for humanity, when another 7.5 billion people might still be lost in some way, unsure about life or looking for answers?
I would love to see this approach to teaching in all school and educational facilities. I observe that argumentative behaviour too when watching or partaking in a game with young children I know. It creates aggressive behaviour! When we take away the competition as you share we add harmony to the mix. I love the idea of those who are more experienced or proficient in some activity being encouraged to help those who are not there yet. What a beautiful way to change the world! Thank you for a wonderful blog Stephen.
With more coaches and teachers like yourself who teach by example and Truth from the heart rather than by only the syllabus of what has to be taught, children will be able to connect more to what they innately know, Truth. This is a milestone in education.
There is always an element of stress and tension around competition as it is not natural to us. I remember feeling sick with nerves before competing in my younger years.
Competition pits us against each other, which is not our nature. What you are offering Stephen feels very unifying and a lot more fun.
There is such simplicity and clarity in accepting the truth that competition ‘pits us against each other’ and from this honesty it is clear to see how this does not build unified, respectful, equal, collaborative communities… common sense and a deep call in us all to work together will prevail
I was playing scrabble with my 7year-old niece and observing her manner when she was playing with the tiles on her own making up words, compared to playing with me and my sister in a game. The two were vastly different… when playing with us, frustration crept in as we kept a tally of the points. When she played on her own for fun, she was relaxed and enjoyed her game. Competition really does add a tension and inner agitation.
Cooperation, togetherness and harmony and fun – what a antidote to those age old ingrained patterns of having to be the best at something.
Competition is born from a lack of equality. For how can we pitch ourselves against another when we know we are of the same substance – love.
What a beautiful sharing and understanding of the true needs of children with the fun laughter and joy of cooperation and togetherness as apposed to the separation and stress of competition. Amazing to feel.
I remember as a child playing competitive team sports mainly enjoying the sense of belonging and less interested in the winning and losing aspect and yet we can get caught up on focusing on feeling the recognition of being a winner.
Great words here about not needing to overcome another person through competition, and that cooperation could actually be the way forward. It sounds simple, but the reality is much more grand because through cooperation there is the potential for harmony.
“We will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them.”
If this pearl of wisdom was lived by humanity, the world would be a much different place. And it is not a pipe dream, it starts with each and everyone of us, dropping competition and comparison from our own lives, and being open and considerate of others.
Competition is a spoil sport and artificial rah rah that divides rather than unites humanity. After all, for every winner there is a loser if not several and this adversity is not part of our true nature.
It is amazing how our innate ability to co-operate with each other has been taken over by the need for recognition in competition, this fosters separation and individuality which are at the heart of the problems of humanities woes.
We’ve got vacation care coming up soon – do you want to come and play ball? 🙂
. ‘I see competition now as much more corrosive than I did before. I see how it crushes certain children and makes others angst-ridden, short-tempered, argumentative and not fun to be around.’ I am in full agreement Stephen, and I am sure that every child having experienced your beautiful and true way of going about it, would feel the same. Competition sets one child against another – the idea of ‘friendly rivals’ is false, though some people do seem at some level to be able to transcend rivalry – but there need not be the rivals in the first place. In competition, even as the winner, there is always the fear of being toppled next time around.
I was just realising that the huge tension created by competitive sport plus the adrenalin released in the body all serves to make a person feel as if they are really having a life! But also it is serving to numb the deep emotional pain being carried and the age-old restlessness of not living in one’s essence.
“life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition” – Very true Stephen. What are we fostering through such intense competition within schools and in sport? For kids to grow up and engage in competition in business, relationships, life, between countries, finance, in politics and so forth; further separation from true worldwide cooperation.
Change the world this would… collaboration, working together with a view of the bigger picture and what benefits all and kissing competition and the narrow view of personal gain and getting ahead.
The divisiveness of competition cannot be understated and since it is embedded in our beliefs and education systems, we override our natural pull to collaborate from an early age. I love the ease with which the children you talk about let that go… this in itself is inspiring.
Would it not make sense to confirm and celebrate a person (adult or child) in their qualities rather than pit them one against another – brother against brother – to create division and dis-unity and dis-harmony? Where have we come to as a human race to be celebrating sports and the vanquishing of another brother? There is lots to ponder on here as we may not see a link down the track with domestic violence or fighting in the streets as a result of the tension from such divisions in sports. Hence why Stephen so beautifully brings it together with how we can draw inspiration from children and the way they relate and how they are there to have fun but not at the expense of another, and never without fully enjoying and valuing themselves and the quality they bring to the group.
Children are great teachers in showing us how to have fun and to be ourselves. Sometimes hanging out with kids can be very refreshing and exposing to how serious and conditioned we can end up being in life and so spending time with kids helps us break out of this!
I find it more fun when we all enjoy playing together naturally and all enjoying it together than when we are trying to compete and bring each other down.
Encouraging competition does nothing but separate. Encouraging unity and cooperation contributes to the brotherhood that we know is possible on earth.
I absolutely love your approach Stephen and it makes complete sense. I used to believe in competition being necessary but I’ve changed my views on that and now see that cooperation is a far more valuable quality to participate in life with.
Cooperation. Competition. What a difference those central 5 letters make! I love what you share here Stephen, I totally agree, life is much more about cooperation – how amazing for children to have this confirmed as much as possible in every situation – INCLUDING the sports field.
Well picked here Rosanna – two words that are the polar opposites yet written in a way that can easily be confused – and so many people also loop them together in the sense of teams cooperating together to compete against other teams, which only further increases the whole fighting attitude and one being better than another. How much more beautiful to be confirmed in one’s qualities rather than being pitted against another brother!
It’s a shame that we cannot take the model of cooperation not competition out to the corporate world. where it is all about competition and profit no matter what the end result.
Thank you Stephen, this is a great line “life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them.” We don’t often think of competition about overcoming another, more that we wish to be the best, but it’s all so futile when we are equal. We would do better to honour children and adults for who they are, and to foster the connection to our essence where true equality is very deeply felt as a natural part of us.
I love how you talk about co-operation, it is something that is of huge value to me in the way I run my business and family. When I set up my business it did not come from a completive approach, it came from looking at a town and seeing what was needed and what would serve everyone in that town. It was easy because I loved what I did and not because I was the best but because I worked really well in a team and enjoyed how social my job was. This idea that it is a dog eat dog world is nonsense that is fed to us, we work best in groups and it is so important to foster co-operation.
Being with children so they learn is so simple when you let go of the need to assess and control every aspect rather than allowing the innate knowing to unfold.
We tend to think games need to be competitive in order to be fun but what you’ve shared Stephen shows us the opposite is true. Also, all the board games I played as a child were all about winning and beating the opponents and I used to think the tension and angst I was feeling was part of the fun. Now I know it was a lesser version of fun because fun now to me has not one ounce of competitiveness.
‘We will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them’. Isn’t that the complete opposite to the way in which most of us move. If we were taught that true success is moving in brotherhood wouldn’t the school yard be a completely different place.
I love to hear movement and exercise with the intention of having fun and enjoyment rather than being focused on competition and winning at the expense of another.
” If we have less academic children then is there not opportunity to take this cooperation into the classroom too, where more able children can support less able children in their learning, rather than separating individuals into their little compartments of success and leaving them to struggle alone with their challenges. ” this is an example of what true education is about. Thank you Stephen I am so delighted that these kids have someone like you to teach them playfulness what a wonder for them.
Yes I agree John, we need more role models like Stephen. I feel our education system seems to be so serious and competitive. It is so awesome to bring back playfulness to children, in the playground and in the class rooms, and allow them to be their natural selves because children are naturally playful, we just need to encourage them to express who they are.
I so love the idea of co-operation being so much more productive than competition. When I was at school one of the best lessons I learnt was we were set a task to cut out all the pieces of a cardboard aeroplane and put them together and see how many planes we could build in a certain time frame. Most students managed to get one built but when we got into teams of about five and one cut out the wings, one did the body etc and then one put it all together we managed to make ten or more planes. If we could take competition out of everything and replace it with co-operation for a start the world would feel so much better and the effects would have no bounds in bringing us all together and ending so much of the suffering that is everywhere today.
I would love to hear the words consideration over competition splattered over sports billboards.
If children are supported to simply play they often do just that, they are not competitive by nature, it is more the adults that bring this energy and are invested in their kids winning.
Well said, Mary-Louise. We perpetuate this myth that, ‘we are naturally competitive’ when actually it is something we create and feed.
I love your approach to working with children Stephen. We need more teachers like you.
Stephen, I couldn’t agree more; ‘..we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them. I believe this will give us a more rewarding life than being ultra-competitive’, the difference between children playing together cooperatively and children in competition with each other is huge, in competition there is frustration, upset, division, in cooperation there is unity, fun and caring – two very different ways of children being together.
What a wonderful space provided by the way you held the game : “The session wasn’t really about learning the skill, it was about having fun, being inclusive and getting lots of exercise.” I have noticed that the most profound and enjoyable learning takes place when we are given the space to be all that we are and we can sense that the skills offered will support us in expressing that.
“I put a lot of this down to the environment; that it was not about needing to score points and be better than another. So while there were two teams and they were trying to beat the other team on a point, ultimately none of the children cared at all about this; it was irrelevant during the session and not even a consideration at the end.” what a wonderful experience for these children to have. I remember always getting nervous and uncomfortable during games with excessive competition in them. Particularly when we were pitted off each other in class activities. I felt it did nothing for building togetherness and camaraderie.
“My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them.” Yes I couldn’t agree more. I find children just become more stressed during competitive activities.
when I feel an edge of competition coming in when at work or in the swimming pool, I can feel how destabling this energy is and can totally take me of track. Far better to teach our children true team work then any form of competition.
This is really great work and seeing this, “I see now many adults who are unsure of themselves in social situations and how we can link this to the overemphasis on winning, being the best, achieving, when exercise and learning should be about playing together, having fun, making friends, laughing and socialising.” is really refreshing and why not? It is great and would be great to hold the value of “exercise and learning” in this way and you walk away with far more then just a winner and a loser. It is such an ingrained part of our world, that to speak in the way this article does, you are almost outcast or even criticised for having such a point, but what I see is the reverse. People that are speaking like this are here to support, to bring back a way of being that didn’t push and pit ourselves against each other, and I look forward to more of the same.
To step back from competition and make it about collaboration (and or inspiration) where we are given or giving the leg up for another to be more. The more of that there is whether in the game, in a social setting, in business the more we could see things start to change in the world… no more dog eat dog (a saying with a strange and poisonous root to it).
It really does not work for children or even adults when we pander to needs rather than allowing and meeting people to be where they are at.
Beautiful to feel how you would have held the children during this ball game session – by the ‘held’ I mean that you supported them in staying with themselves and having fun rather than getting rowdy or excited or loud etc. It is super easy for any person to stimulate a child or a group of children and make them excited and run around and ‘go crazy’ but it takes a special person to hold the children and guide them and support them to stay themselves and hence allow them to express their natural cooperative and caring skills with each other whilst having lots of fun and being settled within themselves.
Beautiful point Henrietta, and very salient too – especially as when children have spent so much time in the classroom, suppressing what they feel, and sitting for long periods of time at a desk, they tend to explode on the playing field ( in reaction). I would love to have any child of mine in the hands of a teacher who would choose to guide the children in the way you do Stephen.
Beautifully said Stephen: “life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them.”
The observation you share Stephen shows that children naturally want to be supportive of each other, like working or playing with each other rather then against each other and are able to express themselves in an environment without pressure. What a big reflection for us as adults who push and enforce the ideals and beliefs that have been imposed onto us, onto our children. You have offered a stop to this cycle by a simple observation showing how much change awareness can bring to our society!
A beautiful inspiring sharing of who we all are with our joy , fun and innate essence of oneness and love . Playing ball with children allowing and nurturing this is the way for us all to be allowed to be who we are and not the competition we are bombarded with in life is very honouring and lovely to feel and treasure as a way of being.
Is competition really any different than conflict, only dressed up in a more acceptable package. When played with aggression is sport that far removed from battle?
Talking about competition as corrosive really wakes us up to the devastation it seeps out into our relationships; relationships that are naturally cohesive being wedged apart by the vying for pole position.
“To make our games evolving and move beyond what we have done before, a different approach is needed: that games are about fun, learning and inclusive of everyone.” This approach Stephen is also a great approach for our lives and how we learn and interact everyday. Thank you.
Children can get caught up in the thrill of winning or competing especially when everything in life holds winning as this huge, must attain thing, but if children are introduced to sport in a different way with no competition as the end result, they can just enjoy the activities and being part of a team effort.
Absolutely Julie. We need to introduce children to playing games in a non-competitive supportive way. They will have such fun with it and who knows what may develop from that. The adult generation introduce the false thrills to the kids and then they become addicted – usually because there is already a long past there of the thrills of competition as a momentum in the body.
‘..competition as corrosive’…I would describe it like this also, and I can safely say I didn’t always think like this. I thought it was healthy and necessary in life. Now, I completely disagree with those old beliefs. There is absolutely no need for any one person to try to be better than the next. There is equal room for everyone to be who they are, and if we focussed more on ‘cooperation’, as you’ve said Stephen, the playground alone would be a very different picture to what we’re seeing now.
‘My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them.’ How utterly true Stephen. It is such a simple thing, such a powerful thing and so wonderful for all, it is extraordinary how we all conspired to forget such beauty of relationship.
Competition also does not foster the appreciation of our natural strengths and weaknesses and how our weaknesses might be another’s strengths. This is not to say that another is better than us in any way but just that they have aspects of life they can bring great expression to to benefit us all just like we can by bringing our all to what our strengths are.
Through the wisdom and awareness that has been offered by Serge Benhayon, I have come to see how there is a totally different way to raise kids. And in this, i can see my responsibility in absolutely loving them and instill discipline so that in my authority, I can talk to my children about their choices and not have to let something fester. What this means is that I don’t have to be an angry mom who waits for the 10th time before I react. Kids clock everything, they know what they are doing, and we are a constant reflection to them of responsibility.
Feeling the potential of being part of a group or community which is naturally predisposed to work together in harmony and ultimately unison is incredible and yet only our truly natural state of being
What you share here Stephen sounds like an illusion compared to how the world currently is but actually we have to turn this around and say that our current life is an illusion and that what you share here, a cooperative and caring society, our future to be.
So often a coach can get bullying with children (and older players) thinking that this is the best thing to do to urge them on to greater heights of performance, but at the base of this urging is a self-interest and has nothing to do with the well-being of the players, or the benefit for all. It is beautiful to hear of a coach who works with cooperation and fun!
I heard a comment from a fellow parent from my children’s school today saying it’s a dog eat dog World and it starts so young. I reckon this is very true – we lay the foundations for our societies with what we say is acceptable with our children and competition does not have to be the way.
The inclusivity that is shared so simply in this blog is far from what is promoted on any playing field as the true marker of what any form of play can be. There is not tension or comparison on ones ability to out do another but a willingness to enjoy the company rather than the activity.
Thank you Stephen for sharing on such an important topic that has the potential to influence the way we raise our children today and the way they interact with each other. For in truth there is nothing more joyous and satisfying when we work together with another, deeply honoring their qualities and appreciating them for who they are with not a spec of competition or comparison to distort the truth of who we are.
Indeed Francisco, it sounds like heaven on earth which in fact it one time will be as, if we believe in it or not, we are destined to go that way.
How wonderful to hear of children playing with cooperation and not competition. We all know how rife competition is, and also how destructive It is. So this is indeed a breath of fresh air.
Team building games that are non competitive but have the kids working together to figure out ways to get from A to B are beautiful to watch. You see how natural it is for kids to help each other and the energy is completely different than when they are pitted against each other in any competitive way .
I work in a school and daily see how harming competition is for children, as it encourages them to follow an external goal of success at the expense of disconnecting from their bodies and friendship. The goal is ‘being better’ than another… this is impossible to achieve as we all are equally different between each other… so why running after an impossible target? Why not invest in collaboration instead of competition?
Stephen this is a wonderful blog that I feel many teachers could learn from. From your experience having less emphasis on competition (separation) brings harmony and loving support for all students. I agree that taking the same approach into the classroom would be a total turn around from the way it is now!
I am totally with you, competition is counter productive to our societies.
Having a winner and loser serves none, not even the ‘winner’
‘I see now many adults who are unsure of themselves in social situations and how we can link this to the overemphasis on winning, being the best, achieving, when exercise and learning should be about playing together, having fun, making friends, laughing and socialising.’ Yes Stephen I whole-heartedly agree – I feel that most of us have been scarred by this cruel and de-naturing way of being that we call competition. It is introduced so early to us so that we won’t grow and bloom into the healthy., loving people that we naturally are.
It is refreshing to read about competition vs cooperation. The fact is that competition leads to comparison and separation and quite frankly there is enough of that in the world, and if we are promoting it on a small scale, then we are also feeding the big scale. Whereas cooperation is everyone working together as a team.
Working together in the classroom and on the field in this way is a great way to learn about supporting each other in any aspect of life. To know how it feels to both support and be supported is vital if we are to live with the understanding that we are all equal, no matter the challenge.
I love this sharing Stephen, it’s almost like an allegory – for when we stop playing ball with jealousy, competition and individualism it sets us free to truly be. Then whatever we do as a group naturally ends up being playful and simple too. If we don’t have this joy-full feel, that’s a good sign that we have got sucked in to the games of competition and separation again.
An amazing understanding of children and life that makes all the difference to the world “activity is much more rewarding when cooperation, fun and health are to the forefront of what we offer.’ Something to be truly seen as opposed to the hard core separation competition creates in our bodies and the world against who we really are.
Cooperation, harmony and togetherness do not seem in line with what sport or exercise today offer, but as you have shown they easily can be, offering us all a new way of being together.
It is a quite sinister that we as a society try to associate fun with competition in sports, when in truth what fun is there in overpowering, defeating, fighting and being vengeful and feeling aggression towards another, who is in fact a brother. There is so much more to gain, to grow with and develop when we make it about enjoying each other and having fun together.
We come from Brotherhood so it is natural that children blossom when they are encouraged to support each other everyday and not just in a crisis.
‘ this allowed the children to just be themselves, to act naturally, not play to a coach’s tune or feel they needed to prove themselves and seek recognition.’ Awesome Stephen , a much needed quality to bring in this area. What I have experienced in school games and sport is such a high level of competition and pitting one against another – very unhealthy and completely demolishing the tender and delicate nature that children naturally are.
We offer and learn a lot more concerning life and our experience of it when we are supported to learn cooperation and not competition. One of the major issues in life is competition, it leads to separation between each other and a lack of understanding.
I remember feeling the truth of the idea collaboration over competition and sharing it with one of my bosses many years ago and his reply was this can be only actualised in a society where people are very aware. What his answer signified was the general mass public was not in this level of awareness and therefore this idea cannot be put to use. In these years after this conversation, I am finding to live this concept is more powerful than anything. Not to live it only with parties that work for us but with employers who hire us as well. The process is very interesting, to see some employers distancing themselves from me and the awareness is therefore a deepening of such relationships in even more equality. The steadiness with ourselves is something very precious to build and develop.
“The session wasn’t really about learning the skill, it was about having fun” how great to re-do what exercise actually is and deliver something where kids get to play, get to enjoy life and get to grow.
‘I have been involved in children’s games and sports for 15 years now and during that time I have listened to and been party myself in the past to the belief that we need to make games competitive. “It gives the less academic children an opportunity to shine” is another argument’. One assumption with this argument is that we only shine when participating in a certain area e.g.. academically or in sport. But the truth is that we can all shine all the time and it does not depend on whether we are particularly talented at some task – either kicking a ball around or recalling information! The shine is our natural magnificence as the Sons of God we truly are.
This is so needed… starting the conversation about playing games and teaching physical activity without competition. I have always been really uncomfortable about competition and how it pits us against one another, so thank you, Stephen.
If the focus for children is to have fun before learning a skill, then usually fun, cooperation and collaboration is the name of the game. If the skill to be learnt is set before fun then this can already take kids away from their natural playfulness. If the skill to be learnt is put under pressure, then this pretty much guarantees squabbles and intensity.
I totally agree with and back all that you are saying Stephen ‘ To make our games evolving and move beyond what we have done before, a different approach is needed: that games are about fun, learning and inclusive of everyone. Cooperation, togetherness, harmony – children going home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel.’ And also going home to a world of screen, phone and video, but with the delight of having fun dancing around in the fresh air.
Cooperation and working together learnt in a game…it makes sense, why is competition there, it does not serve any of us, call it fun, success etc, it still remains a separator in humanity and does not grow anything of real meaning or merit in our communities.
How wonderful Stephen allowing the children to just play a ball game instead of all the hype and anxiousness that competition creates. Bringing the fun back into sport. “To make our games evolving and move beyond what we have done before, a different approach is needed: that games are about fun, learning and inclusive of everyone. Cooperation, togetherness, harmony…….Competition, cooperation – the difference is really astounding.” Totally agree.
At school as the student, there was always this feeling of being lesser than the teachers and not being at the same level until you have all of the knowledge from going through school. It’s like you start off on the back foot right from the start because of the structure of education and how everyone says, “your going to school to learn”. And yes, this is true, but no-one says, “bring all of you in your amazing, to what you learn”.
In a time when sport is only about winning, how many other aspects in life have become about competing with others and getting ahead at the expense of another.
What a great thing you are doing for these kids Stephen, the very first day of my school life my school did a Olympic games style sports day with the winners getting cardboard gold medals, second silver etc, so for me competition started from day one and I remember even then being upset and disappointed that I didn’t win a medal. When I look back now it was all supposed to be pretty harmless but in actual fact it certainly wasn’t.
Healthy competition, fair competition – contradictions in terms.
Thank you Stephen – what you share here makes me appreciate the true sensitivity we have to energy. We might not see it, but it pervades, all around us and all over our lives. If we are not aware of the flavour of what’s been put out we’ll easily be swept along. This ends up in all sorts of wreckage when ultimately it’s just energy playing with us, but not in a good way.
If we are honest it is true that many adults are not confident. It is very exhausting to be trying to gain our confidence from our achievements in life. It feels like being a puppet and being led. The true confidence I have ever felt is the intimate connection with the body, that is something that does not need to be sought through mad overdrive and no one can take it away from me.
I love your description of the effect that competition has on children, Stephen – making them more ‘brittle’. This describes it exactly. Strength and flexibility and joy all come from connectedness, not from the separation that competition creates, a state which renders beautiful children more easily ‘broken’. To realise that our whole society has the wedge of competition as a bleeding wound is quite horrendous!
It is no coincidence that there is such a strong link between competition and corruption for the moment you introduce competition you create separation, division and inequality in people. There has to be a winner and a loser in competition and so human beings once they are in this energy of separation and survival and fear of being the loser or lesser will do anything in order to ‘win’ or come out on top.
Watching children at school, the intensity to not come out at the bottom is so entrenched as self-esteem gets run down. Today, we were doing a simple science experiment to prove or disprove the statement that children who are older are quicker. When organising a simple running race between eight year 2, year 3 and year 4 children the older children expected they would be faster. One older boy was worked up that a younger child was faster when the statement was proven incorrect. He then tried to justify his result and turn it round. In this simple scenario, it’s easy to see what you are sharing, Andrew…. although adults tend to go to more extreme lengths to corrupt results once competition is set in.
Wherever there is competition, corruption swiftly and inevitably follows.
Wow that is a big statement and I get it. If we are in competition with one another we have made the fundamental split from connection and collaboration and then anything is possible.
In truth and essence we all want and seek connection and not putting each other off. No surprise for me, that the children blossomed, when you let them play and did not force something on them they are not. It is a beautiful proof, that we as human beings don´t want to outdo each other but being and playing together.
The teacher or coach has a huge influence on the quality of play during sporting activities. If they are competitive and focus on achievement, this must affect the kids. Likewise, if the teacher is focussed on play and the kids having fun, this completely changes the atmosphere and how kids behave.
This is a very important point you are making Stephen in a world where competition reigns and everyone loses as result of this. Competition is the breeding ground for comparison, jealousy, greed, the need to be recognized, and ultimately war itself. Competition is the polar opposite of brotherhood.
It amazes me every day how quickly young people respond to connection and love. In a matter of moments they can read that it is ok to be themselves, and they are not going to be imposed upon by someone who has their own story or agenda.
When we put some sort of need or outcome onto something then our bodies have to reconfigure to accommodate an action that is not naturally us and how we operate. And these days, children want to fit in and be recognised and so will do what they need to do when even the teachers are supporting them to be competitive and want to win.
A teacher that expresses with the children and not at them. I remember at school how some of the teachers would shout and talk at us rather than to or better still with us. This you and me stance, the divide between teacher and pupil created a an invisible wall where we all tended to fall into roles rather than let ourselves just be ourselves.
‘I see competition now as much more corrosive than I did before. I see how it crushes certain children and makes others angst-ridden, short-tempered, argumentative and not fun to be around. This is not at all preparing them for life but making them less sure of themselves in certain situations or needy for recognition to fuel their actions. Children become more brittle through competition, not less!’ This statement should be put on billboards all over the land. There is a force out there that wants kids to be educated to be brittle so that they cannot claim their true power – such an education is not simply random or unfortunate, it is deliberate and our kids are being targeted. Every parent, grandparent and friend needs to care about the state of their children and the devastation that competition wreaks upon these tender young beings.
As a teacher and a parent i witness the effects of competition on a daily basis, I speak with countless young boys who I see are so eager to be recognised for what they can do & achieve…its a black hole, a chasm that will never deliver the sense of worth that they so crave. How refreshing to be offered a space where they are not being set against one another, coerced by the needs of their coach, but instead offered a calm and equal space that gives them permission to be the sweet and tender young people they are.
How beautiful it is to hear you are bringing a different approach to sport and the children are responding openly. It is great that this way is giving them an opportunity to be together, support one another and not get caught in the competitive game.
It seems we have lost our way regarding the enjoyment and purpose of movement in life. If games are about someone winning then I think we are making life about survival of the fittest and individualism rather than movement and bodies for expression of who we truly are.
I can’t help but appreciate if we learned cooperation in school rather than competitiveness how much different our workplaces as adults would be.
“If we have less academic children then is there not opportunity to take this cooperation into the classroom too.” Yes, at the moment when you are doing very well in class you are boxed in the intelligent group and made to be even more academic, but what if we indeed would say hey you have got a great skill here, this is not just for you but to serve humanity and that is in this moment to support the ones in class that are not finding it so easy. To make it more of an approach of getting there together and not alone. This does not mean all children need to be able to do the same but a more group and cooperative approach would serve well.
About 10 years ago I noticed that when I would compete in sports I would feel awful in my body the next day, I soon realised that if I stopped being competive and instead focused on the fitness I would feel so much better. Trying to beat another or be better than another simply hurts.
A beautiful and honouring understanding of children’s needs Stephen with the opportunity of having fun and the socialising skills needed in life instead of competition. Play and fun laughter and joy naturally is who we are and anything that takes this away is not loving. Our natural togetherness and harmony is what is called for with exercise as part of this and a healthy life style.
What a difference if the focus of life in general “… wasn’t really about learning the skill, it was about having fun …” how life would then so much more like the class you describe, Stephen.
This would be heaven on earth for me. We would support and see each other instead of becoming better to stand out and making someone else feel less and not appreciating how different we are in our expression. Competition brings in the judgement that something is better than something else- who actually has the right to do so?!
Cooperation instead of competition. I love this. If a group of people are working together in cooperation there is a sense of harmony and togetherness. It is so totally different to working in competition with each other. All this serves to do is divide and separate.
I love what you are saying here Stephen about the way there were no complaints from the children about each other nor demands for a score – they were just happily playing together having fun. This is what it is all about – the spirit of competition debates all possibility of joy, and fun, well-being and keeps us imprisoned and denatured.
‘I saw how this allowed the children to just be themselves, to act naturally, not play to a coach’s tune or feel they needed to prove themselves and seek recognition.’ – a beautiful example of how we are all innately very loving and harmonious. You were offering the children the opportunity for them to just be their gorgeous selves by being so yourself. Without any expectations, you held the space for everyone to play and have fun together – truly gorgeous.
“I see competition now as much more corrosive than I did before. I see how it crushes certain children and makes others angst-ridden, short-tempered, argumentative and not fun to be around.”
I can so relate to this as well, especially when I bring in ‘wanting to know, wanting to look like I have it, I am the best’ no matter how subtle, it makes me also angst-ridden, short-tempered and argumentative. And definitely no fun to be around.
How about adults learning about playing from children before and instead of teaching children any games to play?
It simply does not make sense that we seem to discourage children’s natural tendency to be supportive, work in cooperation and care for one another by actively pushing them into competition and making it all about ‘winning’ or ‘personally shining’ at the expense of another or others….. then we spend fortunes on resolving relationship issues, teaching people skills, training team-building in adult life.
When we encourage children to strive for outside recognition and rewards for what they do through sport and other things, how can we expect them to have a healthy and solid knowing and trusting of themselves and their body to choose what is right for them growing up. Using sports purely as a way to get fit and have some fun along the way, would definitely be a much healthier choice all around, then children wouldn’t feel the need to compete at all.
It’s fascinating to feel the difference that the impulsing energy makes to something so simple as playing with a ball. There are two different energetic sources, one that unites and one that divides, apply each energetic source to anything and you will get an outcome that is either more unified or an outcome that is more divided. From this simple fact , we are therefore able to know which of the two energies has set something in motion, when we simply ask ‘is the outcome more unified or not?”
It’s fascinating to feel the difference that the impulsing energy makes to something so simple as playing with a ball. There are two different energetic sources, one that unites and one that divides, apply each energetic source to any-thing and you will get an outcome that is either more unified or an outcome that is more divided. From this simple fact , we are therefore able to know which of the two energies has set something in motion, when we simply ask ‘is the outcome more unified or not?”
‘we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them. I believe this will give us a more rewarding life than being ultra-competitive.’ – so true Stephen, a measure of success isn’t about how much we have in life, rather, how we feel about all the choices we have made to get us to where we are today. Our bodies offer a walking reflection of just how ‘true’ to our loving selves our choices have been.
I love what you have shared in your writing, Stephen. It had me remembering the times I played tennis. It was always way more enjoyable when we were just hitting the ball casually backwards and forwards and having a bit of a chat at the same time, rather than trying to play strategically so we could outsmart our opponents and catch them on the back foot so we won the point. There’s no point in that whatsoever for me.
The same goes for singing in choirs for me. I really enjoyed the camaraderie of meeting to sing together, but never ever enjoyed the mammoth change that happened when we were involved in an eisteddfod. Competition has always taken the shine off things for me.
“What also struck me on reflection afterwards was how relaxed the children were – there was none of the tension I have seen so often in children when they are trying to execute a skill under pressure” – be interesting to have seen the impact this game and its quality had when those kids got back home, to their siblings and parents… all refreshed, together, not otherwise beaten, smashed, bruised as so often is the case.
Reading this again and I have an urge to take a ball to work tomorrow…
Observing children in competition they can get stressed, hardened and sometimes even mean to those they are playing with. Without that competitive strand, I have observed children mainly getting on well, playing together with cooperation and enjoyment.
I agree Elizabeth. If we learnt cohesion, cooperation and unity at school then we would take this into our work places and communities as well.
The small amounts of allowing competition into game playing with children eventually turns to unwanted behaviour. Look at how we as adults are so quick to defend our own.
Children respond very much to the way the adults are around them. So holding onto who we are in the presence of children is powerful in letting them see what is possible as you grow up.
I love your approach here and can say I am very glad that it is possible to take the competition out of games.
Each and every moment is an opportunity to evolve and Stephen by offering the kids the chance to play together in a way that is supportive and inclusive, then you are providing them with the space to evolve. This is in stark contrast to encouraging them to be competitive, which works in the opposite direction to evolution.
Stephen what you have shared here is absolutely fascinating. It also makes perfect sense because our true nature is unity and so when we are being inclusive and supporting one another then it’s as if the body can sigh a sigh of relief, as it is behaving in a way that is close to its original nature.
I feel it is worth considering what the true definition of war really is. War is simply an extreme act of aggression or conflict no different to that of a competitive game just that in a competitive game no one intentionally gets killed. We must look more deeply at what we are truly teaching our kids.
I am bringing up my children not to compete, it is not about worrying about hurting their feelings and worrying about being losers or winners, it is about what it degrades in relationships, trust, connection, support, setting children up to compete sets them up for a lack in relationships and trust in life.
It is beautiful to behold a child, indeed another of any age or inclination to be free of tension and at ease within themselves and in the joy of connecting with another.
Thank you Stephen for the great insights that you have offered in this blog. I particularly liked what you said about not needing to shout at the children but to speak in a normal tone as I have often observed the coach shouting at kids and it reminds me of the military as it feels like the kids are being prepared to go to war rather than simply play a game. Competition does foster that war like frenzy. No wonder kids get turned off playing games.
Thanks, Stephen. It is very telling that the kids naturally encouraged and supported each other, once they could feel the pressure of competing was absent.
Great blog Stephen and great point you make here that competition breaks us down personally and does not build us up as we have been led to believe. It also breaks down relationships and fuels comparison and envy which are very toxic emotions to have in our society.
Competition is the starting point of a child losing themselves. It destroys self confidences and brings on a self consciousness that was never there previously. It is not only found on the sports field but is also in the classroom and in life in general. To pit one against another is sadly the basis of our society and this needs to be exposed for what it is .
This is very valuable what you share Stephen. It is part of our innate nature to align with one another and express harmoniously as One. Due to this, we can often be played to twist this natural capacity and instead align to each other in the energy of separation, thus not expressing as one whole unit but in the division of the many tiny fragments all vying for recognition and identification in some way. This is where competition, comparison and sport come in. There is a false sense of elation we experience when we ‘come together’ to ‘fight the common enemy’. But there is no true unity in this as we are approaching the equation with the ‘us versus them’ mentality. That is, we are already in separation. This gets seeded in us early, by way of what seems like harmless sporting activities at school etc. and if left unchecked, runs the course of our life and sees us always pitching ourselves against others in what we then refer to as a ‘dog eat dog’ world. In every moment we have a choice as to whether we want to ‘play ball’ with this game or not.
…if we do play ball with this, then wars, rape, murder etc are all an inevitable outcome. If we do not, then we stand on better ground to arrest this loveless momentum and come back to the one-unified way of living we each in essence know to be the truth of who we are.
I really like how you uncover the illusion of being in a sportsteam for example as true. If you unite to actually use this potential in coming together to win over someone else it can´t be a true act. It is misusing the actual universal fact that when people unite you are stronger than when you are single. Everyone working with a group of people where always patterns and behaviours are being shown very easily should check honestly in themselves, if they carry some of this energy in their body. Why there is grouping within groups comes from the energy we are talking about here. Some want to be right upon others and they are feeling stronger the more people join their group.
A great way to lay it all out and this, “My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition” supports us in other ways. To see how competition has literally change the face of how and why we interact shows us how much of a hold we have allowed it to have. We push each other to conform to this ‘competition’ and don’t consider there is another way. To set a space like this and allow children to simply play we see the other side of the competition coin or more we see the coin left on the ground and a new way chosen. Children like us, even though we can be more conditioned will always choose what is true for them if they are allowed and in this we see no room for competition as it is revealed for what it is, destructive to us all in many ways.
The consequences of competition and the cultivation of competition is so devastating on our communities it is surprising that it has not been called out earlier. I figure that whilst commercial interests are calling the shots nothing will change. So it is up to us all to shift our focus and purpose to be that of love and then competition could not exist.
Very true Vanessa and it is the culture of our whole society which needs to shift with it for we champion the need for competition with children which prepares them for later life, work and even a way of improving themselves. This all needs to change too to be based on true cooperation, equality and evolution.
“Children become more brittle through competition, not less!”
You could say that competition encourages children to look outside of themselves for what they can do and in turn this becomes a benchmark of who they are, leaving them victim to a daily roller coaster of highs and lows, striving for the top marks, the hole in one, the penalty goal, pursuing an unreal picture of success is exhausting and relentless.
I agree the whole cycle of success and failure (and performance of something that will be judged) that competition sets us up for is very exhausting and stressful and one that is pervasive in almost every aspect of our lives from work, music, arts, creativity, sport etc…
Creating a relaxed atmosphere where children get the message that it’s about having fun together and supporting each other takes the stress out of physical games. This is the opposite of what usually happens where competition is at the fore.
Life becomes so serious when we put pressure and rules upon each other – playfulness is important to nurture, at any age.
Interesting what you have shared Stephen, as anything that needs fostering does not feel natural and has to be imposed, so it takes on that ownership role, which all sports end up doing to us. You end up being part of a team, a representative, pitting your skills against another in a fight to the finish and to make it worse it becomes a physiological warfare, with the old saying all is fair in love and war!
Could this be the way of the future that you are sharing is happening now Stephen, for as you say “children going home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel?” Then “Cooperation” and “Harmony” will be Normal as we are living the future now in the way you are teaching children to play!
‘…their attitude towards playing was influenced by my own approach to teaching and also shaped by their own interests, not any impressed-upon beliefs.’ the children reflect back that which is there form the teacher – I have found this at work too – if i am closed off the whole team feels different and becomes ‘clicky’ if am open there is a flow and lightness.
Thanks, Stephen. It is lovely to hear about the time you had with the group of children and how relaxed and content they were able to be. What a simple set of principles for teaching or coaching children – don’t enforce competition, encourage them to be themselves, co-operate with others.
Reading these words you can feel the truth and simplicity that Stephen offers when we are open to see that ‘life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them’. Why is it that we no longer see harmony as a virtue but something to fight against.
Children most certainly become more brittle when it comes to being invested in competition because their sense of self is hanging on the edge of a win or a lose. That is no way to relate to oneself, by valuing success over connection they are constantly at the whims of a game.
That’s exactly it Rachel, we are completely out of control of our experiences when we make it about competition, how we feel is based on something flimsy and changeable, and that’s no way to live. And even if we have so called success, it is built on a foundation of need and not truly satisfying or supporting us to be solid and accepting of who we are.
You have so shown this in your blog Stephen – ‘Cooperation, togetherness, harmony – children going home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel. Competition, Cooperation – the difference really is astounding.” Rarely do we see this when we look at the children all around. Your blog needs to be part of the school for all teachers to have access to – what a difference that will make for everyone indeed!
I love your comment Michael – it feels such a loving expression as the potential revealed is huge.
I am so with you Stephen – “… life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them.” My children were involved in the local circus classes and everything could only ever work if everyone was in support of each other; They loved it and there was no beating others, no competing as everyone found their own niche what they felt pulled towards and it was a beautiful time for all.
It will be great when your way is the way of the future Stephen, because if we could stem competition at school level maybe we would see it isn’t the way forward in adult life either, and that we get a lot further on in our evolution when we cooperate with each other and everyone has enough with no excesses.
Every step we take that knocks out the myth that competition is natural in us, is an absolute gift and blessing for humanity. Thank you, Stephen, for prompting this conversation. From my own experience and that of parenting and working with children there is absolutely nothing natural about competition.
Children are not naturally competitive, it is us adults who instil it in them. They can teach us a lot about interaction and co-operation.
I agree Stephen my idea of a successful lesson or session is one where all are engaged in an equal harmonious way and where each is given and takes the opportunity to express themselves whether it be in speaking or movement.
Cooperation rather than competition would be a way forward on every level… I am constantly reminded of this in business as well.
Yes I agree Simon. It seems bizarre that people who work in the same organization compete against each other, and that it’s actively encouraged in some work places. What a difference it would make if organization had a foundation of cooperation.
As an interesting side note to this blog, many biologists have now determined that cooperation is the prevailing construct found in Nature, rather than the old Darwinian model of competition or ‘survival of the fittest.’ Examples of this can be found everywhere including the symbiotic relationship between mychorizae fungus in the roots that is needed for almost all evergreen trees to live and thrive, wolves that kill the sick and week caribou and thus strengthen the herd, and thousands of more examples when we are willing to see the cooperation and harmonic relationships that abound in Nature.
This is a wonderful blog Stephen. I have never been a very competitive person , I didn’t enjoy sport for that reason. I have tried to encourage my own family and grandchildren to take the emphasis off winning and instead enjoying the game. I would love to see your sharing being encouraged in all schools too.
Beautiful article Stephen. Our society is still totally enamoured of competition – a destructive energy that fuels life everywhere, not just on the sports field. I recently had to give a tutorial on the movie Chariots of Fire which is on the school syllabus. The movie was a smash hit and won several Oscars but the whole thing was just the manipulation of smooth surfaces to create an illusion that it was about ‘something deep’ – values, honour, loyalty dedication etc. etc. But it was actually demonstrating the way our race (pun intended) uses its wonderful power of commitment to accomplish something that is a chimera.
So funny you mention that film, I referred to it in another blog I write on competition, and how even the olympic gold medal winner is deflated after victory, and why wouldn’t he be, for the whole thing is hollow and without meaning that we need to make life rich and truly rewarding.
It would be great to invite adults to observe or even experience session like this – much could be learnt from the way children play.
Its so true what you have shared, when pressure to outdo each other comes in for kids they go into much more anxiety and seeking of recognition and a child’s natural joy is lost. However, when they are allowed to just be, children are naturally very supportive and cooperative with each other.
Competition has become so much part of playing and fun that it may even be difficult to imagine it without as we may miss the tension and stimulation that comes with competition, the sense of suspense, the investment into winning, and even the intensity and disappointment of losing. It is literally the harmlessness of true playfulness that can appear to be boring as it offers no identification for self.
This was a very refreshing take on the ills of competition in sport and how cooperation is so much more productive and beneficial to the children. I couldn’t agree more, as anything that creates competition, teaches us to not perceive each other as equal and allows us to behave in a separative way.
I had a similar experience recently observing my daughter learning to ride her bicycle. It was a glorious sunny day and I was feeling content and like I was just going with the flow. We took her bike to the park so that my daughter had plenty of space to fall without crashing into obstacles and within a few goes of me holding the bike steady with no pressure she was off and away, a little wobbly at first but before long she looked as if she’d been riding her bike for years.
Thank you Stephen, it is beautiful to know that there are people like you who believe in supporting children to be themselves through their academic and physical education, we definitely need more of this in our society where children’s sensitiveness and delicateness are being crushed by the false ideals and beliefs we hold with regards to competition and the way that is so erroneous championed by the many.
I am certain I would have played more sport, if sports lessons were just like this. I was partial to sport but didn’t like the winning or losing part. So I lost interest quite early. I love your observations of the children during your time together, how they came and went from the game, no one was left out, how they all worked/played together. This could be the beginnings of something very beautiful.
What I read from this experience is that children (we) are not naturally competitive and that competition is something imposed on them but adults who thinks it’s good for them. How beautiful to simply allow children to play a game and support each other. I love that no-one was interested in the results at the end.
What was so lovely to see yesterday was lots of small children sitting on the edge of a jetty with their Dads mostly; dangling their lines in the water crabbing and parent and child having such fun. And then walking out onto the marshes and again the children were running around playing and just enjoying being out in the very fresh air. Not a mobile phone or electronic gadget in sight. To see children playing and having fun in all their innocence was heart lifting as it so reminded me of my childhood. And today I’m going crabbing something I have never done but I feel it doesn’t hurt to go back into the innocence of one’s childhood again and reconnect back the joy and vitality of just being alive.
An absolute lovely sharing Stephen. When outcome is pushed or imposed this is what will be achieved whether you are the loser or the winner.
I love your approach with the children Stephen. It is playful and fun when there is no competition and the children leave feeling lighter and equal. When we introduce competition in games or school work it puts a lot of unnecessary stress and strain on them that is not fun for anyone to experience. Any form of competition creates separation, complications and conflict.
The session wasn’t really about learning the skill, it was about having fun, being inclusive and getting lots of exercise. This is such a great way to approach sport or physical activities with school kids because they weren’t born competitive and don’t get to just be themselves in a way that leaves their body free of striving or competing.
The ripple effect of cooperation is heart warming. It’s so lovely seeing a child help another from a place of equalness and love. Competition sets out to kill this natural impulse.
Thank you so much for starting this conversation about competition and cooperation. The swing from the former to the latter will change our lives very beautifully.
When I was working with kids in after school and holiday programs we made sure that every game and every activity was non competitive as we knew from experience that even a sniff of competition would be enough to threaten the harmony of the group .
Competition for recognition through rewards has become part of the society we live. Relearning to play in harmony would bring communities closer together again.
Stephen its great that fitness activities can be introduced into school and with children in a way that helps them appreciate and value each other rather than fight and compete.
‘Life is about cooperation’ – gives true meaning to the term ‘Fair Play’.
Love it Alex – short and directly to the point!
A very inspiring discussion on competition sport and our children and how the change from competition to togetherness support, and exercise all come together.
Having fun and the joy of this is very different to the role models offered today. The reflection of this sharing offers us all so much in the responsibility we have with our children in the wider sense.
My daughter is only 9 and bought home a flyer from school that was letting you know about the local AFL training for both the boys and the girls. The flyer was very aimed at hooking and enticing the child to come along and that it would be a non-contact sport and lots of fun, I am glad she showed no interest in it at all as this would be highly competitive and have no harmony in it whatsoever.
Your experiment Stephen shows us how joint activity, such as team games, can be: “rewarding when cooperation, fun and health are to the forefront of what we offer.” And it certainly does not only apply to the playing field!
If your observations about children ring true Stephen which I feel they do, then what does this mean for us as adults? Is it possible that all the politics, personal grudges and bitching matches are not so much to do with us as people but are caused and agrivated by the unloving systems with which we live? We all know inside that beating another company isn’t actually so great and that defeating another person in an argument just leaves us flat. It’s time we considered that our issues aren’t so complicated but have much to do with constructions we operate in that are not right. Whilst we can’t change the regulations we can play the game in a way where we are not ruled.
Very awesome comment Joseph, and you are so right – the construct of society as a whole at present makes for ‘winners and losers’ – yet little do the majority know that in this way of operating everyone loses eventually.
Stephen I enjoyed reading this, it’s a topic we need to really look at, do we want kids to feel the best, i.e. better than others, or do we want kids to know how it feels to be connected, equal to others, considerate and co-operative?
It’s quite an illusion that our self worth can change by being “the best” or the winner because it’s about identifying with what we do, not who we are. I am still letting go of competitiveness in my own life, it crops up in subtle ways and points to the fact that I don’t connect to me and value me, but instead compare myself to others based on performance. It gives a false sense of security instead of that deep settled feeling and contentment to simply be me. It’s a worthy conversation to have because many believe competition is healthy, but let’s examine what it actually does in the long and short term.
Competition in football has caused violence, abuse and hatred. On top of which it fosters nationalism and separatism between not just countries but between regions, cities and even within families. And this is just football – which is one small expression of competition, with very easily recognisable symptoms. So, take this example and then imagine the same forces and energy being played out wherever competition is fostered – which, if we are really, really honest about our choices and movements is in truth, is pretty much every aspect of our lives. Pondering it this way makes it pretty hard to condone competition.
We really only have to have a good look around at every aspect of our lives and it stares us in the face every direction we turn. Time for a regroup …
My son has often reacted very strongly to ‘losing’ – whether it be a game, a kick around in the garden, or just a simple running race with his friends. To start with I never really understood what was going on and, with a history of competition in my own life and up-bringing, I just assumed that this was part of growing up and something that he’d have to learn to deal with. But now I’m coming to see that a super sensitive kid like my son is actually feeling something much more devastating; the separation, rejection of brotherhood and deep hurt that can be caused by competition. So, why on earth is this something that we should have to learn to live with?
If there is a winner then there must also, by definition be a loser. That very simple sentence should make all competition extinct.
Hear hear – wouldn’t that be so awesome!
I know from my own experience that I learn less good when I am put in a scoring system then when it is about sharing, understanding and learning. Competition creates a lot of tension and this is not supportive of learning at all, cooperation on the other hand comes with that understanding and sharing that is very supportive for learning.
If we look at a so called game where some kids are dominating, some being left out, some getting hurt even, isn’t it time to call a stop to this for what are we really teaching them if all this is supposedly ok and part of growing up. The way you are showing kids how to play is maybe they way of the future, if we want a better future for all.
We certainly need to find a different way to approach things, as our current modus operandi is not working.
This is brilliant. I agree that taking cooperation more into classrooms would be fantastic and supporting everybody as I observe that every child has differnt skills and so children would be able to support each other. This is a win win situation for everybody.
“Competition, Cooperation – the difference really is astounding” – very true – competition [squeezed-ness], cooperation [expansiveness]. How squeezed we all are in this world living less the expanse of who we are for the sake of ‘winning’.
What a gift you gave these children Stephen, and in turn they gave you.
How cool! Kids get it, they know they would rather work together than beat each other but they get more recognition and an adrenaline hit from that attention when they win. If we feed this adrenaline hit it becomes addictive and then becomes associated with a feeling of being alive therefore walking away from it is so much harder.
This has given me much to consider as I see the consequences of this approach to sport play out in adults and how they handle themselves and others in business, social situations and parenting. The comparison, the anxiety, the low self esteem are all fed by competition over cooperation so for our mental and physical health it would be really good to start to change the way we approach sports and watch the ripple effect.
Thank you Stephen, it is very interesting to see what a person has to do to them self and to their relationships with close family and friends in order to survive where there is extremes in competitive environments.
Which to the individual may feel that all are extremes – competing for the job, the look, the title, for affection – basically everything. How awesome would it be if we all learnt to come together in support of each other and all we bring as a a part to the whole we are all part of .
Adrenaline and nervous energy give us a short term kick, a kick we can repeat many times but we are far more effective if we can work without these two stimulants, regardless of how old we are. Good teachers know this.
Totally agree with you Stephen cooperation is where it’s at not competition.
We can often learn so much about our own true nature from young children – the qualities we have compromised on to an extent that we consider them unnatural – the open, tender, inclusive, cooperative and genuine support of others which you observed. When children are left to express what is true for them, unimposed by the demands and expectations put on them by the adult world, their expression is a joy to witness, and the same is true for us adults.
I have often seen how we teach our children how to compete out of a desire to equip them to succeed in life and to survive in a ‘dog eat dog’ world – but what if in passing on this attitude of goal driven competiveness, where only the best make it, we are perpetuating the very system we feel we need to prepare our children from? What if we could instil in our children a way of still having goals or dreams of things they want to do or achieve, but in a way that is founded on respect and working together rather than division and separation
I love that the kids encouraged each other to play and celebrated the other when they played a good shot. This is how kids naturally are until they are introduced into the world of competition so obviously they felt safe to just be with you and no pressure to excel in what they were doing.
I was not sporty at school but reading your blog Stephen I can feel how I would have loved to join in be part of the games you held with the children. What a beautiful experience and marker for them to have in something that is usually so competitive.
Interesting to read how games are played within games – fostering competition, winding up the players and participants into a frenzy with loud shouting, keeping score, promoting skill as the be-all and end-all. All of this very much degrades and in fact totally dismisses the cooperation and support that is so naturally there in games, when we allow it to be so.
What I am seeing is a rise in introducing competition in schools with more opportunities available to play sport. I see that it is a demand from parents and children but feel it is something that needs to be addressed otherwise the trend will get worse. What I also see apart from the insecurities is the hardness in men and women that participate in sport. Their bodies are hard… is this what we want to encourage in our children?
I agree Elizabeth, it is a blessing to have a role model such as Stephen. With three children who love to play with a ball I am beginning to get an understanding of what they are up against and it is very supportive and a delight to read this blog. I find myself reacting at times, especially when a child and it doesn’t have to be one of my own, gets left out all because he or she is not good enough or for some other not so obvious reason; but I am learning, understanding and allowing myself to read energy and what is at play with wonderful opportunities arising supporting me to grow.
The trouble with fostering competition in young kids is that it begins to shape how we see other people: we see them as competition. Imagine if we role modelled to kids what working together really meant, and the impact that could have on shaping their future lives.
That’s a great comment Meg, instead of valuing one individual winner, teach children to value everyone working together as equals. What a different society we would have.
I agree Elizabeth, teamwork is such an important part of life and kids LOVE it, it would be brilliant if a natural sense of teamwork and working together was fostered at school and from a young age, instead of seeing other people as competition.
This re-awakens something inside of me for earlier in my life I had experiences of also coaching young children in certain activities and noticing how they responded to the absence of competition, as well as taking part in activities myself which brought people together in cooperation in play and felt just how powerful this is.
Stephen, I love this; ‘more able children can support less able children in their learning, rather than separating individuals into their little compartments of success and leaving them to struggle alone with their challenges.’ Getting more able children to support less able children feels like a very natural way for children to be with each other and how amazing if this was the norm in schools, we could then create a society based on support, love and helping each other rather than trying to outdo each other.
‘I see competition now as much more corrosive than I did before. I see how it crushes certain children and makes others angst-ridden, short-tempered, argumentative and not fun to be around… Children become more brittle through competition, not less!’ Stephen, I am with you all the way on this. I have observed the same and have come to the same conclusion. It seems that we champion competition as a good thing, but the stark reality is that it causes angst and no settlement, or understanding for another in the body what-so-ever. Truly, competition separates and does not unite.
A world founded on cooperation rather than competition will be at polar opposites to what we have created today… a needed change and a new, ‘true’ standard for society awaits.
This is a beautiful way to teach children another way of playing together as it is so normal to build in competition in all that we do, especially at school of which many if not all will suffer from for the rest of their lives.
It is amazing and awful to consider the impact of school on all of us. So many people talk in their latter years about stuff that happened at school that still affects them today. One thing that comes up a lot is the competition and that this is a learnt behaviour, a survival technique, in a world that has lost sight of the connection and collaboration that is our natural way.
I love the approach that games should be about fun, learning and inclusive of everyone. For me competitiveness is something we learn from our parents or from the world outside – it is not what children and also we as grown ups have naturally in our veins.
“Playing Ball with Children’s Needs!” – as your blog confirms Stephen, is playing ball with every child’s need for LOVE in which to thrive (in life).
A great example of collaboration and cooperation naturally coming from the children – no wonder there is so much angst and division when competition is brought into the equation… it is not natural for us.
In a world lost in competition and separation, play which unites us in joy is truly a gift.
What I feel from this sharing is that the children had no outcome, no expectation of themselves or others, and thus had the freedom to be themselves – and to have fun! So much more inspiring than a competitive game.
Brilliant approach Stephen, I can just imagine how much those kids loved that experience too.
This is a remarkable blog, it carries a lot of weight considering your back ground and hands on experience. I have many school age children and naturally sport is a part of their very active and social lives, it has been very interesting to observe the change in some of them as they have entered into the world of completive sport outside school. I whole heartily agree that co-operation is of much more value in life than competitiveness. Although the one positive thing about team sports is the co-operation to get something over the line with your team mates but even this is still at the expense of another losing. So, in a way, it is encouraging some kids to bind together and do things to another group of kids to beat them, I am pretty sure this behaviour is close to bullying. The question might be, why do we want to mould our children into something that turns them against each other?
The next crucial step for us all in this world is to deeply realise our equality as Sons of God, and it is extraordinary how when we shed our layers of hurts, resistance to evolution, and past energies, the extent of the depths of equality is mind-boggling! More and more am I realising our equality and the only separating factor is the ‘choice’ to deviate from the truth of ourselves.
Love what you have shared Stephen, maybe we could get together and share how a test match or even better an ashes series could be played without competiveness but inclusiveness and co-operation. A great starting point would be the ball would not be so hard. Maybe then no winner, only a laugh at the end of the game as we have enjoyed each others company? Then eventually we would have to do away with countries to stop all forms of separation.
I look forward to that day Greg when the current sports model is abolished and people only play together for fun without any competition at all. It won’t happen in my lifetime but somewhere along the line it will and it will be an incredible time in history when we let go of this form of separation that is harming humanity.
We are simply Living and presenting the future now Anna and we will be around when it happens just in a different body but a strong memory of never wanting to participate in any sports!
Are we fully considering how what we teach children in schools is what determines their outlook on the world, as well as how our society functions as these kids grow into adults and work within their communities. Is competition for competitions sake, entertainment and giving children ‘motivation’ and rewards the best for every child, and every sport?
Indeed Susie, it feels we have to start the conversation on this topic, as schools actually all tend to have a competitive elements in their curriculum as the belief is still that this is a good thing to learn as being of great support in adult life.
I wonder if competitions give us a level of control over participants? For example, in a competition people may work for far less than they would normally receive in order to have the (usually small) chance to win the prize. The winner may do quite well but everybody else often loses out.
Bring on the new way of sport I say. Stephen this is a beautiful example of what could be. A game where people are brought together, not creating separation that sport does today.
Businesses would be far more successful if they grew their industry and collaborated rather than play underhand tactics and seek to cut others out of the market.
Children have to learn to be competitive from adults/others and very few escape the influence of all of that as they grow up especially entering school and learning that achievements are everything. Great that your experience Stephen reflected how it can be with children during sports or games when we don’t lace the experience with competitive energy and allow them the just to enjoy what they are doing together.
Stephen this is great, cooperation not competition, imagine how that would change and transform the world.
The moment competition comes into play it is actually no playing anymore, it is fighting, achieving, striving. Playing means connection and unification, competition is individualism.
Great point Alex, play between children is never competitive, as soon as that edge is brought in by one, it is no longer play but separative, outcome-driven and yes, very individual.
Yes really great point Alex, kids are naturally playful, then competition is introduced to them from others and they loose the art of play….darn shame.
Yes, it goes from playful to serious, is that why so many of us take life so seriously rather than being light with ourselves when we inevitably stuff up?
It’s ironic what you observed Stephen in the children around competitiveness. Competitiveness is always sold as something that builds character and yet as you noticed it makes children less sure of themselves and creates much disharmony for all involved.
Good point Vicky, we are sold this massive picture that being competitive and winning will make you a winner in life, but the reality is that the children lose out, and we change them potentially forever.
I love your purpose for this activity: ‘The session wasn’t really about learning the skill, it was about having fun, being inclusive and getting lots of exercise.’ Where do you find a school activity that is not about achieving something? Absolutely brilliant and a great opportunity for these kids.
What a powerful example of the profound impact our interactions and expectations have on the young and the future adults of our world. Wonderful that there are those like you Stephen that are aware of the level of care and responsibility required and are paving the way.
I love the way that you have described taking the class. You provided a solid base for them to be free in expressing themselves in play. Just beautiful.
‘…so my approach to this session was to be a facilitator and try and keep the game going while ensuring everyone got a turn… not winding up the children into a frenzy with loud shouting, or keeping score.’ Wouldn’t this be a fantastic approach for children and sport in schools generally? It would allow for a far more enjoyable and less stressful time for both children and their teachers.
What a great expose on competition. Thank you for setting this out so clearly.
Such a beautiful example of what we reflect to children eventually will be reflected back to us by them. It is obvious that children respond to their environment and a teacher yelling at them will certainly have a very different reflection coming back to him or her than you did. It is time to respect our younger children for the wise and knowing beings that they are; they may be small in stature but they are huge in wisdom.
I would have loved to be part of this experience as a child or now observing this session beside you as an adult to feel it even more so in my body than now reading your blog. It’s great and inspiring to absolutely go there, this is such a game changer and definately if approached this way at school will change our workplaces, well it’s about us already doing so nominating and renouncing the competition and show cooperation instead.
What strikes me is how confidence sapping competition is because even if you are the one that is winning there is still the constant pressure to perform and maintain/do better which creates isolation and a focus on the individual. Whereas if the emphasis is on co-operation then everyone benefits because we all like to feel we are helping/supporting another and this is a wonderful grounding for how to be in life generally and education and the children involved would benefit from this being the foundation of all learning.
Children are just amazing at enjoying life if we let them, it’s often us (as adults) that impose competition or instil in them a need for recognition that comes from our own needs that destroys this natural sense of enjoyment and love of life.
I can only go by what I remember or my own experience, but some kids seem to be naturally competitive and can be what we used to call a bad loser, someone that would freak out if they didn’t win. My question is, is this something that comes through naturally or is it something we learn and if all the emphasis is taken away from winning or being the best at something all the time would this way of being no longer exist.
‘activity is much more rewarding when cooperation, fun and health are to the forefront of what we offer.’ Yes it is. And if we’re not supported to choose this way early in life, we carry this ‘brittleness’ into old age. I work in elder care and observe that even at this stage of life many activities offered are based on some form of competition.
Stephen, this is gorgeous; ‘that games are about fun, learning and inclusive of everyone. Cooperation, togetherness, harmony – children going home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel.’ This would make exercise so much more enjoyable for everyone – children and teachers and build respect and love rather than creating separation and disharmony in the way that sport and competition often do.
Thank you for highlighting so clearly the destructive nature of competition through the beautiful outplay of engaging co-operatively, with togetherness and in harmony.
Your blog has brought up in me, back in school with team sports that we were told to; fire up, get hungry and be aggressive! Where is the fun in all of this? Could this be the reason I never in-joyed sports?
When we make space with children to simply play the quality of energy shifts away from competition and one of camaraderie because I find the kids help each other and the need to win dissipates. What you have shared here Stephen is a great observation of how we as adults move and in what quality we move in and how this then holds the environment for children to see there is a difference. A awesome sharing thank you.
‘games are about fun, learning and inclusive of everyone’ I agree, when did competition become so fierce? At what point in our history did we decide to go one better, to be ahead of the game, that competition was healthy? It will take us years to undo the harm we have done by accepting competition into our lives when our true nature is in equal brotherhood.
Great piece of observational writing Steven, really enjoyed the read and loved hearing how the kids were after their 3 hour game (!) contented and at ease — testament of love’s hold in all its stamina and endurance.
I suspect if I’d had a PE teacher such as you Stephen when I was at school my relationship with sport would have been quite different. I wasn’t competitive (and only because it wasn’t an arena in which I naturally did well) and I didn’t enjoy the competition aspects of it (possibly because of that – it wasn’t an area in which I could make my mark!). Beyond that, I didn’t enjoy the activity of sport either, but a gentle approach might have worked wonders.
Many times I have seen natural brotherhood in children and young people. So if this is their natural way of being it begs to ask what are we teaching them in how we are and what we are reflecting. Like you say if you are someone that champions competition then this will affect how the children or young people behave towards one another. However, if you hold a space and allow people to just be that is when the innate caring qualities start to emanate.
Children experiencing co-operation and not competition at school is so nurturing for their whole being. What they know is harmonious within being experienced in the world cannot but be confirming that this knowing inside works in life – it’s not some hidden inkling they don’t get to see played out in real life where it is usually crushed at school and at home in adult’s beliefs that competition makes for more resilient people. Speaking for myself, it traumatised me into pushing myself into self destructive behaviours to be the best and destroyed relationships with having to be right and not accepting support.
I love reading the ‘alternative’ approaches to interacting with children. it’s so clear just how supportive and beneficial it is to allow the children to be and not enforce our ideals on them. The competition thing is something I have completely changed my view on also. I used to see it as ‘healthy’, now I see it as separative and damaging.
Yes, showing a working alternative gives others a choice, a choice they may not have been aware of.
Stephen, this looks like a great way for the children to gain confidence, true confidence. It will then quite possibly make it easier for them to deal with competition and the corruption that can go with it.
I used to be a footy head and when my team made it into the grand final I was ecstatic, and when they won I was even more so. But even in that state, I found it hard to look at the ‘losing’ side, and their devastation of not winning. It never really sat well with me, it took the edge off the winning delirium – despite saying to myself, we’ve been there before, there is always a winning and a losing side etc…. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself, it never really worked. And this showed me deep down, that this level of competition is not true – or actually any level of competition is not true. It goes against our true nature which is far more cooperative as you so write. Thanks for opening up this conversation.
We adults often don’t realise how wide spread competition is and how we are actually subtly role modelling competitiveness to our children in various areas of our lives, not just through sport. Adults so often assume that competition is natural and that somehow we can compartmentalise co-operation and just pull it out of the box here and there when it suits, and then go back to the competitiveness again. However, as you say Stephen – so much more could be achieved if we allowed ourselves to put aside the idea that competition is the be all and end all and instead focus on working harmoniously and collaboratively together. Perhaps it would be a good start if adults put aside their beliefs and observed and learnt from children when they are naturally playing without the pressure to ‘win’ at all costs.
Love what you share here on cooperation and how it is inclusive and about everyone. It is so far from how we position sport today, and we have to ask ourselves, what are we teaching our children? Such beautiful and powerful observations shared here Stephen, and an opportunity to set up a way where kids play together and learn from each other.
Why have 11 children competing with each-other on a footie field when you could have 22 children connecting and exploring what they can bring to the world with all their light and joyfullness.
Beautiful to feel how you facilitated co-operation rather than competition.
Stunningly beautiful article Stephen. Thank you! I would love to say something very wise about cooperation versus competition but I just keep remembering this event from when I was 10 years old. I went off down to the oval with my friend from across the road to have tennis lessons. We were having fun hitting the ball backwards and forwards to each other when the coach intervened and said we must hit the ball so that the other person CAN’T GET IT. I remember thinking, why would you do that? It didn’t make sense. For me the fun and joy of it was keeping the ball going to each other as long as we could. Everything you have said here Stephen just confirms what I felt and the fact that children are not naturally competitive!
You just shared something very wise Lyndy, as you exposed through your own experience how much it doesn’t make sense to try and beat another for something to be considered worthwhile. It seems silly when you put it this way that we would want this as a preferred way of playing.
When children go home feeling a natural contentment in their bodies with smiling faces confirming this – it would be very natural for the next activity to start with this inner confidence. Why would we want it any other way for children?
I always loved ball games or more precisely team games, not for winning but the joy of playing together, the flow when people really collaborate. It didn´t matter who scored, it was much more the joy of seeing the beauty of a move, the elegance, playfulness, lightness. Without that joy winning was dull anyway, with that joy winning or losing didn’t matter.
“What also struck me on reflection afterwards was how relaxed the children were – there was none of the tension I have seen so often in children when they are trying to execute a skill under pressure.” . . . this is a great point Stephen. As a child I found that I could not operate at all if I was under any pressure or if any expectation for me to perform in anyway was placed on me and feel that this is a universal thing. I now know that this was due to the fact that when there is an expectation there is a rejection of the child or the person themselves.
Even in reading it I could feel my shoulders drop more and more when you described how a ball game can be for children instead of the competitive battle it has been made into. Thank you, this is something to offer to every school and every child: space to be themselves and play.
I can be so quick to say ‘race you there’ or ‘who can finish first’ – really interesting to see how quickly I/we turn to making things competitive. Just like it took me years of practice to become an athlete, it will take practice to not go to be competitive.
Great sharing Nick for I have just realised that the ‘who can finish first’ mentality also shadows our adult workplaces big time.
This is a great study on competition. Reading it I could feel the tension in my body as I revisited childhood games like that as I remember how competitive I was and how much that put me in separation with others. When we are in competition we are not in connection to others – it is all about us and us winning. Switch it around to cooperation and having fun, and wow, what a difference.
Thank you for sharing how your attitude towards teaching sport has changed and how awesomely confirming when the class enjoy themselves so much and stay in such relaxed bodies.
It has and never does make sense to me as to why we promote so called healthy competition in the classroom when in truth it offers no true benefit to anyone. It only makes us separative and selfish and does not promote true teamwork and unity which is so important in the world today.
Wonderful observation of how when competition was not imposed as a foundation, there was cooperation and care of one another, naturally so. Also a great insight that if such a foundation was taken into the classroom, then that same care and support of one another could be encouraged between those better able and less able in the academic activities. How different would our world be when this way of relating to one another and to life is applied to all areas as we grow up.
To make our games “evolving’ now that would be a great sharing with every school and their annual sports carnival. I would be a parent that would line up for that!
I have always felt charged and stimulated with aggression and emotion being involved either playing or watching competition. After now having a marker of what harmony is within I want to hold this feeling more than to push or impose on my body an outcome from a game. I am the loser with this feeling of either being the winner or the loser.
Competition breeds separation and puts us into the winner and the rest (= losers) and it tells us that there isn’t enough space for everybody – perfect parallel with the belief that says ‘There is only one Son of God’.
It is beautiful to read this article, life really is about support, togetherness, understanding and cooperation. To foster competition is to continue to divide a society that can only ultimately flourish with togetherness
‘…life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition’ I agree with you Stephen. What if we used games and physical activity as a way of bringing us together, in a fun and relaxed way, rather than separating us through competition creating anxiety and tension?
I love your approach Stephen to playing games with children without competitiveness, because it means you have all the children leaving with smiles. Games that are inclusive, fun and non-competitive are rare these days but I feel it is the way to go, encouraging children to truly play without an ounce of competition.
If you organise an activity for children and they leave discontented or hurt by exclusion then it is time to question what is being offered and if it is of true value to the individual and to our society as a whole. We need to look in more detail, feel more of what children really need, to be loved and appreciated in play activities by friends and teachers, now that brings true change.
Yes, this is what humanity – adults and children could benefit from every day activity.
“activity is much more rewarding when cooperation, fun and health are to the forefront of what we offer”.
This is a great sharing Stephen as you can feel the steadiness and sense of fun with the children because of how you held them in that gentle, non reactive way.
And even quite young children can have this level of collaboration and working together of which recently happened at my centre, where the Educator wanted to make a cubby out of PVC piping and connectors and the children in the babies room were really keen to help but none of them argued about who had what or who was carrying this or that, they all just pitched in the help the Educator and everything just came together. It was a truly inspiring and confirming moment that we know how to do this naturally so, especially when those with us are supporting us with an even and solid presence.
I can understand why you call yourself a well-being specialist because you can really feel the well-being and fun you bought to those children – it would also be very inspiring for the parents if they can allow themselves to feel the benefits of connection and fun.
I can’t see any situation where I would favour competition over cooperation, consideration and being open. In my book it would never be “successful” to win at the expense of another.
Stephen, I love this article, I completely agree with what you are sharing here; ‘exercise and learning should be about playing together, having fun, making friends, laughing and socialising.’ I notice how sport at school is very serious and does not seem to be about having fun, how the children just want to win and how there are many arguments, injuries and disagreements and that the end of a game there is separation and tension – this is not a loving way to play games.
Collaboration is certainly what’s needed, but I’m not sure it reflects where we’re at! What a great place to start though, with the education of the next generation of adults-to-be.
Sports such as tennis can be hugely more fun and interactive when there’s a rally going on, rather than two players trying to hit the ball in a way that the other person cannot reach.
A great example Susie, it is much more fun, and engaging to play in this way. There is immense satisfaction in playing with another, not against them.
Beautifully expressed Susie. Passing the ball so others can reach it and not feel less in anyway, is the essence of co-operation.
An astounding blog with some great points. I love the word cooperation. It makes so much more sense than competition. And yes if we can do this on the playing field we can certainly do it in the classroom. How much more supportive it would be for people to cooperate rather than compete. It lifts all the pressure off and serves everyone, not just a few.
Awesome Stephen – this makes it very clear that there really is no such thing as ‘healthy competition’. I grew up at school heavily involved in sport and although I knew I was competitive I also always had this feeling that there was a level I would not go to in this and that it always felt more about fitting in with what was happening. I can feel a deep purpose in more and more sessions as you have described being used to promote such things as cooperation with children and young people rather than competition which by comparison is a destructive force.
Great Michael that you were unwilling to push yourself beyond a certain point. It baffles and hurts to see parents introducing young boys, as young as six, to rugby. Making the choice to push our children into contact and competitive sport without feeling the true quality of these sports is a form of neglect. We’re already teaching them to shut down their true and tender nature and accept hard physical contact and pushing the body to its limit as a norm.
I agree that competition in sport is very over-rated and championed as something that is a good thing when my experience of playing it has shown me that it causes a lot of problems by teaching our children that the only way to get ahead in life is to be competitive rather than work together in unity.
Years ago I went with my children for a weekend of cooperative games playing. It was great fun for everyone involved – not a ‘wanting to win’ streak in sight. No winners, no losers – everyone just being themselves — and lots of laughter too.
What you have described here Sue even feels lighter than competitive sports. We are surely doing our children a disservice by insisting they take part in competitions and teaching them to act aggressively towards one another. The sad thing is that it is not that hard to see how competition changes the children.
That’s amazing what you’re sharing with not only the kids but with other teachers and the parents that receive a content child from after sport. Very cool.
“My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them.”
I have been amazed at how within the remits of a youngsters football game, there can be disrespectful, bullying behaviours that would not be allowed in the classroom or at home but are accepted around competitive sports especially. As a parent I observe many parents that are keen to toughen up their youngsters for what they see as the protection that is required for our competitive “dog eat dog” world. I understand their concerns yet does this belief not compound the dis-ease of a self serving society?
Competition is one big disruptive distraction from connecting and collaborating with each other. It brings a separation into groups, towns, countries, individuals, one side or the other. I do not feel that is serves a purpose to our communities, it does the opposite and yet children as soon as they begin school are told it is the right thing to do.
Stephen this is a truly amazing blog, what a wonderful sharing that as you say could stem into the classrooms. I love how you and the children simply played a game and competition was not the foundation but care and connection.
This is how playing should be
“We ended up playing for nearly three hours with children coming and going from the game, and by the end of the time all the children had taken on the approach of supporting one another to be involved. In fact during the session I can’t remember one child complaining about another or saying “it’s not fair,” or asking for there to be a scoring system.”
Unfortunately this was not my experience at school, I can remember playing netball when I was about 10 years old and even at that age it was so competitive, and the coach could be so crushing in the remarks they made. And for what, looking back it was so that they could look good and had a team that could compete in the county games! It was all about bring back the trophy for the School trophy cupboard.
You give us here a true approach for children’s games, the children you teach will take your naturalness with them in life and have the opportunity to develop different skills in working together, supporting each other without needing to proof themselves or seek recognition. A marker they can always come back to. Stephen you are a blessing and role model with your approach in this world of emphasising competition in sports and exercising to begin with but also in the society as a whole .
A beautiful confirmation on what I have been feeling and expressing. How can anyone not involve every child unless that is they have only one agenda and that is winning and the seeking of recognition? The three of my children love to play and kick a ball around and as they get older I am seeing what they are up against… competition being the main goal yet it is true what Stephen says: what kids really want is to play, have fun and feel inclusive regardless what they are doing.
Thank you Stephen. Yes it is completely astounding when we realise just how much competition actually robs us of our true potential. It is a not an ideal that brings out the best in us by any means. This is a superb example of how, when we make life about ‘cooperation, fun and health’ we enrich everyone’s lives from the roots up, restoring a strong inner confidence and innate knowing that life is about working and growing together, building true community rather than creating the solitary one-up-man ship culture that is so prevalent in today’s society.
Almost every activity, interest or game once enjoyed as play or brought joy or fun has been reduced to outcomes, winning and outdoing another. This brings in an edge, a hardness that gets in the way of simply being in our bodies, living and loving each moment, without trying to get somewhere or win.
An inspirational piece Stephen and one that shows we can foster co-operation, not completion in ball games. Your way of facilitating play with groups of children is lovely. The quality of facilitator sets the tone. When present with themselves, gentle and holding, they support and inspire children to play for fun and work with each other not against.
‘My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them.’ I love this and I especially love that so many children are now being given an opportunity to experience this.
We all have memories of school sports day, and there were pupils that seemed to enjoy them and those who dreaded them. Personally, I was on the dreading bench and would fain illness to get out of taking part. If it was that popular to have these types of competitive sports every end of the term, why was it that every school I went to made it compulsory to take part.
Most young children I know actually dislike competitive sports. Could we be putting unnecessary stress on young children by making competitive sports compulsory at school?
My feeling exactly too – and it starts before school on the playing fields with the local sports clubs enrolling them to play for their town…
Reading this made me realise how much more fun life would be without competition in general. It would be interesting to see how the world would run if all competition was replaced with co-operation.
So true Kevin and life should be about fun. I can feel how differently my body responds to the two scenarios. Co-operation allows my body to relax and open up. Competition brings in a hard, cold and determined quality. It really is an easy equation then to understand which of these two options is a true support for both the individual and the community.
Gosh. What a truly fantastic approach to teaching and learning you present here, Stephen.
“big business and high-end sport where corruption and underhand tactics are rife, and I for one don’t want to teach any child to become good at that.” This exposes the harm imposed by bringing competition into everything.
Gosh, it really is so simple – co-operation leads to harmony and thus a one-unified way of being, whereas competition creates separation and leaves us divided. How very different our world would be if we were to teach this in our schools, or better still, make it a founding principle of our education.
it Would be life changing, society changing on a global scale.
About time right? So we need these types of blogs to enter all schools and also the school info packs parents get when their child enters school/high school etc…
Yes what if we could be living and playing in cooperation instead of competition, it would totally change the way society is at the moment. I noticed yesterday how crushing our education system can be because it only focusses on what you do wrong and ignores everything you did well. It is not about a supportive learning environment in this way but it feels more like it is asking you to do it alone and be not a failure next time, it feels like it is separating you from others as well because the feedback is often given publicly so you are labeled as the lesser one. Cooperation feels much more like a supportive way to learn and play in life where we focus on bringing the best out in the other person by being fully understanding of the situation and supporting where more learning is needed.
Beautiful Stephen, I agree collaboration is so good for us. Yet in my experience it’s so very rare. We seem to settle for more subtle levels of domination to be fair. For it seems to me that collaboration is not founded on equal tasks but on a deeper knowing of our equality that’s there. We fight so hard to ‘have it our way’ but at the end of the day all I can see is that collaboration is not a nice to have, but the reason we are all here in the first place. This is the true game of life – where we learn to respect and love each other and maximise the things we can bring through together.
I played competitive tennis from a very young age. I never really enjoyed the game because I put so much pressure on myself to win. And win I did, at the expense of my body and any connection with my competitor, as they were deemed the enemy that I had to beat.
It’s quite evil when we think about what you have raised here Mary-Louise. The resin we are playing against starts off as an enemy even though we may not know anything about them. And all in the name of winning and competition.
Me too Mary Louise but I know that although I wanted to win I would not bring my all to it as I would not give others the satisfaction of this – there is so much that falls under the banner of competition, especially for children and young people, that is far from healthy.
Children when left alone, as in without any pressures from outside influences, naturally cooperate with each other. Not only cooperate they lovingly care for each other, it is gorgeous to watch but at the same time so normal. I see parents of academic children trying to separate their child from children that are not as interested academically so that their child goes further, and same goes for parents of athletic children, pushing them into clubs and sports because that’s what you should do. They are just doing what was done to them as well. It’s looking at what activities and environment allows the foundation of oneness and continuity that is there when we first enter the world, to remain as is and deepen.
This is very true Aimee. Children are naturally by essence cooperative, inclusive and hold each other equally. I observe amazing depths of genuine human decency while around kindy and preprinary children playing freely in the playground or sandpit.
Loved this story – I can actually feel how the children are responding to not having to be shouted at and revved up to beat each other. When we let them choose – they are naturally gentle and supportive of each other. So great that they got to have this experience with you Stephen.
And it’s very common in addition to this that parents stand on the sidelines of games and fuel competitiveness in children, some say living their own unfulfilled whatevers through pushing it into their kids.
How refreshing Stephen, I would definitely have loved being part of your school sports when I was a kid. I loved sport and was very good at it but hated competition. My best friend and I used to play tennis every day after school and most of the weekend together but when it came to club championships we’d toss a coin to see who won the match, neither of us could stand trying to beat the other.
I love this Jenny, it reminds me of my younger days, I always loved the kick around in the park but always hated the tension of full competition and the neediness to be seen that it brought.
This is beautiful Stephen and very inspiring. It just goes to show that competitiveness is not innate in us at all – when we breed it it in ourselves and our young it is taken on, in the absence of what it is we truly want and miss when we don’t have it – collaboration, equalness and brotherhood. How insidious competition is, having us believe that this is normal and healthy when it is in fact the exact opposite – deeply harming and so very far away from our natural harmonious nature.
And even I’ve heard people say it’s character building or makes kids understand what it’s like to be part of a team – however true group work/team work does not have an iota of competition in it. I love the flavour, angle, unity that Stephen has brought here. What a true blessing for every child, every group that he works with- as they get to experience equalness, true support and looking out for each other.
It’s true, it is not something that is innate within us, it is something that is taught then fostered.
You make a great point here and it is even greater that you get to experiment with and observe the effects of competitiveness as well as non-competitiveness (i.e. health, fun, enjoyment) in your work – the frenzy, brittleness and hardness in children is certainly palpable when they are being whipped up into competition rather than encouraged to move from cooperation. As human beings we thrive when we step into supporting another/others.
It’s very valuable that Stephen has found a way to bring the togetherness and fun to sport games – as games are a big part of our reality, especially in the school setting. I suppose it is like anything in life though – it is the ‘how’ we use it and engage with it rather than the object itself.