Recently I took a group of children for some ball games at a school holiday activity club. The activity was informal and all about play. In this session it was brilliant to observe the children at play and to see how their attitude towards playing was influenced by my own approach to teaching and also shaped by their own interests, not any impressed-upon beliefs.
The session wasn’t really about learning the skill, it was about having fun, being inclusive and getting lots of exercise. I took quite a laidback approach to the session, but also was watching intently to see who was getting to play and who might be missing out.
I had recently had a conversation about competition with a colleague at work: I believe competition is overemphasised and doesn’t actually reflect our societies – or indeed need to be fostered, as the age-old argument states. My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them. I believe this will give us a more rewarding life than being ultra-competitive. There are of course contradictions to this but they are most often in the world of big business and high-end sport where corruption and underhand tactics are rife, and I for one don’t want to teach any child to become good at that.
Back to the ball game: my approach to teaching children’s games has changed over the years and I prefer to be softly spoken as much as possible, so my approach to this session was to be a facilitator and try and keep the game going while ensuring everyone got a turn… not winding up the children into a frenzy with loud shouting, or keeping score. This allowed for a very relaxed atmosphere; I saw how this allowed the children to just be themselves, to act naturally, not play to a coach’s tune or feel they needed to prove themselves and seek recognition.
We ended up playing for nearly three hours with children coming and going from the game, and by the end of the time all the children had taken on the approach of supporting one another to be involved. In fact during the session I can’t remember one child complaining about another or saying “it’s not fair,” or asking for there to be a scoring system. All the children were just content to have a hit of the ball and attempt to play some good shots, of which they sometimes offered encouragement if another did particularly well. No one got irritated or impatient if a younger child didn’t manage something so well.
What also struck me on reflection afterwards was how relaxed the children were – there was none of the tension I have seen so often in children when they are trying to execute a skill under pressure.
I put a lot of this down to the environment; that it was not about needing to score points and be better than another. So while there were two teams and they were trying to beat the other team on a point, ultimately none of the children cared at all about this; it was irrelevant during the session and not even a consideration at the end.
I have been involved in children’s games and sports for 15 years now and during that time I have listened to and been party myself in the past to the belief that we need to make games competitive. “It gives the less academic children an opportunity to shine” is another argument. But this session reinforced my now ‘contrary feelings’ that activity is much more rewarding when cooperation, fun and health are to the forefront of what we offer.
I see competition now as much more corrosive than I did before. I see how it crushes certain children and makes others angst-ridden, short-tempered, argumentative and not fun to be around. This is not at all preparing them for life but making them less sure of themselves in certain situations or needy for recognition to fuel their actions. Children become more brittle through competition, not less!
If we have less academic children then is there not opportunity to take this cooperation into the classroom too, where more able children can support less able children in their learning, rather than separating individuals into their little compartments of success and leaving them to struggle alone with their challenges.
I see now many adults who are unsure of themselves in social situations and how we can link this to the overemphasis on winning, being the best, achieving, when exercise and learning should be about playing together, having fun, making friends, laughing and socialising.
Whatever a teacher or coach experienced themselves at school or in sports, does not need to be what we offer children today. To make our games evolving and move beyond what we have done before, a different approach is needed: that games are about fun, learning and inclusive of everyone. Cooperation, togetherness, harmony – children going home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel. Competition, Cooperation – the difference really is astounding.
By Stephen
Further Reading:
My Reflection on Competition and Sport
Ball games for kids: Co-operative learning or a not-so-healthy competitive race?
Competition or connection: What are students really learning?
470 Comments
If competition was replaced by co-operation it would revolutionise our whole world. A true game changer.
Yes, as a starter we would be far less exhausted.
From what I am observing, the more competitive a person is, the more insecure they are yet they will argue that sport builds confidence but what is the true meaning of confidence I ask? True confidence doesn’t come and go eg. we can feel confident after winning but what happens there after? Could winning be a false, temporary moment or moments of what we perceive as confidence? What if we can feel confident in every moment without any excitement or heightened elevation? What if true confidence is simply being present with ourselves?
Re-reading this shows just how much we do not work with inclusiveness, equality and collaboration in our workplaces and rather more individuality, competition and self-drive. May be every office and workplace should have a toy ball for meetings to be based on enjoying a new way of working together.
Observation and reading is key in feeling the group and knowing what is needed at any one time. No wonder the children went home with smiles on their faces and contentment in how they feel.
I used to think that children love to play games that are competitive but I now understand how harmful this game can be for us all. When you look at the many children’s games offered to them, nearly all of them are about competition and numbing their senses. How is this nurturing and growing our children if they are constantly shown that this is how life should be, about competition and winning?
Reading and connection is TRUE EDUCATION. Anything else is offering an assortment of tick boxes to please yet no learning and appreciation of one another has taken place.
Competition does breed anxiety. It also breeds superiority and a lack of considering everyone all together. There is an us and them which is very divisive. I love how you share, Steven how the three hours went… everyone relaxed enjoying the exercise and each other. That’s how it should be.
I love what you present here Stephen and I used to love playing games where the outcome didn’t really matter, there was a great freedom to explore within them.
I remember giving up on playing netball at primary school because my teacher insisted I keep shooting goals in my break times as I was ‘good at it’ and she wanted me to be better, I wasn’t allowed to play. I feel now I was good at it because there was a wonder in throwing and having it fall through the hoop like magic. When I was expected to keep improving I got to the point that it felt more like torture than fun and the joy went out of it, I could no longer play, no longer get the ball through the hoop because I was ‘trying’. That was so crushing and I lost all appetite for that kind of sport.
There are very strong beliefs around sport and physical activity for kids that promotes competition. I hear all the reasons and justifications for why it is good to compete, yet wanting to win, being devasted by losing, taking sides all sound like things that lead to the downfall of our relationships. We are already struggling to make our relationships last let alone be loving, so do we need to add these competitive beliefs to the mix?
Great point Fiona and if we are teaching children to be competitive then this is setting them up to numb their sensitivity, harden their body and play a game that no one wins.
Wherever we lose our sense of togetherness we lose our sense of true purpose, and how we are a responsible part of a whole. How valuable it is to learn to play together, honor and support each other to be part of the fun and games as these are true life skills that our children deserve to learn, that confirm who they naturally are.
If we observe what happens to our body when we are put into a competitive situation compared to when we are in an cooperative situation. Our body will tell us loud and clear what feels true and what doesn’t. I know for myself when I am being competitive, it feels awful in my body. I can feel tensed, hard, anxious, heavy, racy and separate from people, whereas when I am in full cooperation with everyone, there is a warmth, lightness, joy and harmony in my body. The contrast is huge, it makes me wonder why our world is currently predominately run on competitiveness when it makes us feel so awful and even ill?
Yes. I love this too, Gill. What may have been our experience does not need to be perpetuated if we feel the ill and devastation of it. In fact it is our responsibility to break the cycles of repetition and show an alternative approach.
What an insightful read on how we can be given the gift of breaking the cycle of our history with school and sports.
Life, play and physical activity without competition… something I see as our future and look forward to immensely.
I love your conclusion, that “competition makes children more brittle and not less”. Competition and keeping a score are used as incentives but what does it mean? Does it mean that we don’t enjoy what we are doing unless we can win at something, triumph over or outdo another? If that is all that keeps us going, would we be better off giving this whole competition thing the flick?
I agree, Stephen, competition is sold to us as being a ‘good thing’ and the way we developed (natural selection) as human beings, but the truth is very far from that. It is interesting that you link poor social skills with competition and I feel you may be right – as soon as we introduce any element of approval, being right, being best, then anxiety creeps in and destroys potential. I feel that all children whatever their ability can shine and it takes a teacher with your approach to generate that feeling of equality in all of them.
When we are not driven by what society applauds and values, we know the feeling of being caring and considerate of others is what brings joy and harmony. We have to harden up to want to beat another person and the moment of elation wears off pretty quick leaving us feeling empty and isolated. Whereas a moment of connection, opens our heart and expands the possibilities of what we feel.
Very wise words Stephen.
Great you live this by offering it to our children, our future generation.
If we keep saying Yes to the Children going for competition we add also to the wars in the world. IT is all about feeling the disharmony in our body by the disturbing choices for our body then naturally this has an effect on all aspects of life.
What an amazing new imprint you are approaching through having no investment of modelling and inciting children. They are truly blessed, as they will never forget, the spaciousness in their body, compared to the tightness &compression, when you are competing with one another.
Wow, reading this “It gives the less academic children an opportunity to shine” makes my stomach turn around. What a great judgement we as kids are already exposed to. What if shining means, embracing yourself without measure of being better or less good than another?!
I love this blog and the simple truth of what you are sharing. ‘Children become more brittle through competition, not less!’ Clearly your experience speaks volumes and I also love this sharing ‘If we have less academic children then is there not opportunity to take this cooperation into the classroom too, where more able children can support less able children in their learning, rather than separating individuals into their little compartments of success and leaving them to struggle alone with their challenges?’ This makes total sense to me.
Thank you for sharing Stephen – it sounds like you had a very expansive experience with the kids, allowing them to feel that competition and comparison did not need to come into sport. This is so unusual and yet huge as it allows children to feel how playing together can be about supporting each other and not beating each other. No one has to walk away less.
What a wonderful foundation children would be able to develop in their lives if the focus at school, and in life in general, was on cooperation not competition. Learning to work in harmony with those around them and supporting others when they need it would engender a very different generation of children as they grow into adulthood and venture out into this currently extremely competitive world.
True education is about connection of both the student and teacher as equals so that the gold is offered by both to learn and grow. Far from the model we are currently experiencing in our worlds educational systems.
Imagine if, not just for children in school, we held cooperation greater than competition in all aspects of life… we would live in a world that would be fundamentally different.
“it was about having fun,”
Truly as a child thats what all learning should be about, learning being all that you are and thats fun.
My feeling is that life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them. I believe this will give us a more rewarding life than being ultra-competitive. Beautifully said Stephen so true and the joy of children and who we all are is very precious to feel and allow to be in our lives.
Games always seemed abstract and obscure to me – fantasies that we have consciously dreamed up. Competition is the same because we all innately know that we are here to work together not defeat and tear each other apart. Competition is horrible game where we all loose. Thanks for your sharing Stephen.
And when we do win how long does the glory last? Not long at all. On the other hand the glory of being who we truly are is never ending and forever deepening, each day is a ‘win’ of far greater magnitude than any gold medal can ever produce. And if this sounds airy fairy then simply to add that it’s not, it’s actually the very nuts and bolts of Life.
” If we have less academic children then is there not opportunity to take this cooperation into the classroom too, where more able children can support less able children in their learning, rather than separating individuals into their little compartments of success and leaving them to struggle alone with their challenges.”
Yes there is a great opportunity .
Imagining when theses kids group up and they just share skill with each what a society we would have.
If we are really honest with ourselves we can see that the impact of competition is one of the most devastating and separative things in the world. A focus on winning (beating another) on an individual, group, business, national, continental level… nobody truly wins and we are living in the outplay of this in the ongoing conflict everywhere. Competition is one aspect of the madness we have created on earth.
The more I explore, read about and observe competition, the more I see the absolute degradation of our true nature that it causes. It really is the opposite of the way we yearn to be with each other… working together, respectful, supportive and collaborative.
It certainly is Matilda, competitiveness goes against our nature and who we are but so many people get sucked in it because it is happening all around us and we think this is normal. But when we stop this momentum and honestly ask ourselves how we feel when competitiveness is driving us, the answer would be very clear.
Competition can be so crushing on children, as someone winning must be at the expense of someone losing or being less than. If we are all equal in essence and we are not what we do the process of competition is against our natural flow and harmony.
I’ve subscribed to competitions for far too long, whether that is to be smarter, faster, richer, cooler… you name it we can play it out anywhere. Its totally devoid of any care or understanding or connection with our fellow human beings. The most selfish of whims that is fed by comparison and jealousy in case someone else is doing better than us.
I couldn’t agree more, “This is not at all preparing them for life but making them less sure of themselves in certain situations or needy for recognition to fuel their actions. Children become more brittle through competition, not less!” and if you look around a work place, you see this still playing out in adults. There was an email at work this week about striving to be recognized for what you do. For me, this was indicative of how competition has dis-empowered our lives more than we realise. If we are waiting for someone to recognize what we have done to then appreciate it or ourselves then we are forever at the mercy of what others think of us and craving another tick of approval.
Super great article Stephen. One of the biggest illusions in society: that we need competition to get ahead. You clearly paint out what the difference is and how it affects children. Why should the world not try cooperating for a change, instead of competing? Just see how the world looks like after a year. It certainly makes my heart smile.
Yes, games need to be fun, inclusive and children enjoying moving and being with their bodies in harmony.
This so flies in the face of what is considered normal these days – the notion that competition is innate and healthy – I have worked with children a lot and have observed that competition is a learnt behaviour that overrides our natural collaboration and understanding of the fact that we are all connected; working together to live in a unified way.
I know when I have looked after kids that at times it seems easier to go along with the needs that they are asking for but in the long run it creates a situation where you feel and see the impact. Then it came to a point of reflecting to myself what needs did I have to not call it out in the first place.
Great point you make here Stephen that the corruption, greed and destructive competitiveness that we all get affected by and complain about in the wider world starts in the school playground and education systems that we not only ignore or avoid challenging but actually endorse, purely out of the fear of not wanting our child to get left behind or eaten up in a dog-eat-dog world.
I never liked PE (physical education) at school because of the competition and the hardness of it. If exercise was about cooperation and play I reckon many more would enjoy it.
I agree, Leigh, and we could develop our relationship with our bodies, building our fitness working with them, rather than pushing them through pain whilst pitting ourselves against others.
I reckon so Leigh. Our education system promotes competition and sports is a huge part of this. If we change it around and make sports about having fun and cooperation without an ounce of competitiveness, I feel everyone will leave a game feeling like everyone is a winner.
Competition is a killer to connection. It’s really that simple. Everytime I feel I’m getting a little competitive I look to where I’m feeling insecure. Look at this and bring love and understanding to myself and I drop the competition and can connect with those around me and learn and grow from them. We are designed to work together but so often, even though we may get told to work as a team, it’ll be in competition with another team or to be the best. The joy of working together is then lost or diminished or, for me, a belief was enforced that we only work together well when it’s against another. It’s wonderful to embrace the truth that we naturally work together when we let ourselves be.
I recently held a staff meeting at work and reflecting on it afterward can feel that there was a lack of connection and engagement between the staff present. This blog inspires me that the key to people being together and working or playing is in joyful cooperation. Inspired – Time for total redesign of staff meetings.
Super cool to put what we learn into practise, making theory and knowledge into a living thing. Thank you, Michael, for this practical and applicable inspiration.
‘life is much more about cooperation than it ever is about competition: we will be much more successful by being open and considerate of others rather than overcoming them. ‘ Well said Stephen… and take the pressure off having to perform and be something that we are not.
If we support our children, work colleagues and society as a whole to drop the ‘competition’ and let in the ‘cooperation’ we start to change the world in many more ways than we ever knew is possible. I love how simple this change could be.
I would love to be able to see a parallel world just like ours and see how advanced society would be if their emphasis was on cooperation instead of competition. I feel spiritually, soulfully and technologically they would be light years ahead of us.
I love your comment that competition is corrosive and makes children more brittle; competition is something that gets introduced into children from a young age because the adults think it is a normal part of life. Yes, we might have normalised it but it is not natural to pit one human being against another, small or big.
Beautifully said, Gabriele. We perpetuate a cycle of competition and pitting ourselves against one another, repeating our experiences because it is our normal… when we stop for a moment and consider, we can feel that competition is not natural to us at all; that it actually rents us apart from one another.