Raising boys to be confident to show and express their feelings is an approach society generally does not yet support. Our boys are naturally caring, sensitive people – not only deserving of love coming to them, but also deserving of feeling the gentleness of giving love – and not having to hold back out of a fear of feeling judged as lesser because of it.
Is it possible that from an early age, boys are encouraged to shut off from connecting with their tender and gentle side and to instead, behave competitively and to become hard? As children, boys soon learn that liking girls, flowers, butterflies and pink is ‘sissy’ and not for them.
How is it that love and the expression of love are no longer the natural and normal way for so many boys and men?
My son, who is nearly 6, is popular with some girls at school because he is very natural and, although not perfect, he isn’t afraid to show his gentle, caring, sensitive side. I noticed that a girl in his class went out of her way to say hello to him and he turned to her in acknowledgement and beamed at her. This was also noticed by another boy from an older class, who would have been about 8 years old. What was interesting was that he then turned to the girl and said something along the lines of, “Are you visiting your boyfriend?” in a very derogatory way, referring to my son. This made the girl hesitate to approach my son again and you could visibly see her confusion because she knew she had been made to feel less in some way for having shown her joy at seeing him.
It was only later that I realised that this boy really liked this girl and was jealous that she had shared such a natural and joyful exchange with my son. He also wanted to be natural around this girl, but because he was standing with two of his friends, he didn’t want to reveal it and was putting on a front. It was important to him to get her to notice him in any way at all – even belittling her was a win for him as it certainly got her attention. For him, this was better than showing his true feelings and allowing her to like him naturally, which was not even on his radar.
Witnessing this, I could see how we master at such a young age to hide our naturalness for fear of rejection and ridicule… and how boys get rejected at so young an age that by the time they get to 8 years old they are already displaying pack behaviour and choosing to over-ride their true expression and feelings.
This event reminded me of how many teenage boys behave around girls and how boys will do anything to not show their vulnerability. They put up a front for the purpose of hiding who they are from their mates, for fear of being ridiculed or of being rejected by them, for having and showing these more refined feelings.
What would happen if we allowed our boys to wear pastel/bright colours if they wanted to, paint their nails if they wanted to, play with dolls if they wanted to, or to cry and say, “that hurts” when it hurts? (Playing with dolls and liking pink items or fairies doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your son – it just means he wants to play with a doll and likes pink and fairies!).
Wouldn’t we then be confirming that they are great because there would be no judgement on their true expression? Instead of making them feel less and wrong by saying, “Boys don’t do that!,” we would be encouraging and honouring them for being who they are first and allowing them to be honest and natural in expressing whatever is going on for them.
The natural, caring expression of men is truly tender and loving and yet each generation, in order to cope with their hurts and sense of rejection, tries to toughen up the next by telling their boys that feelings are not only not important but they are a bad thing to have… that getting in touch with their ‘feminine side’ is weak and undesirable and they must get rid of it.
How many women desperately want men to be more sensitive and open and – if men were honest – how many men want to be open and express their sensitivity too?
Their hurts stay with them and, as they grow, boys and then men, cope with their sense of rejection of not being allowed to just be themselves by sticking with behaviours that seemed to protect them in the past… for example, by:
- Dismissing feelings and emotions and over-riding them with logic
- Cutting short any displays of affection
- Holding back when hugging and keeping hugs short
- Going for a run when they feel hurt so as not to feel their pain or show their vulnerability
- Joining the local football club or supporting the local team so that there is something on the outer to connect to when there is such an emptiness inside
- Resorting to going to the pub with friends every Friday to give life a framework
and, even more insidious:
- seeing every male they encounter as competition.
In short, most men go through life not expressing themselves naturally, even though the natural and true expression of men is tenderness, care and love.
Imagine two straight men expressing their love publicly for one another in utter tenderness and expressing from the heart without fear or worry that someone will question their sexuality. I have witnessed and been blessed by this many times over from men who are well down the road in dealing with their hurts, who have shown me how possible and how real this is.
Raising boys to be men who are free to be themselves and to express their innate gentleness and care, is essential. It builds love, brings beauty, binds generations and heals hurts. When the true expression of boys and men is unfettered, society indeed is blessed – a blessing humanity so desperately needs.
A heartfelt thank you to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for enabling me to see without judgement past the protective behaviours people have, in understanding why they are there and for supporting me in seeing through mine.
By Michelle McWaters, Bath UK
666 Comments
“Our boys are naturally caring, sensitive people” Our men are the same boys just in a larger physical frame.
Once our hurts are seen for the cover-up way of existing they are, then we all open to be Truly Loving tender, sensitive, delicate beings and as you have shared Michelle their is already many living examples.
It is not possible to be around boys and men and not feel their sensitivity. If we don’t or can’t then it says a lot about how we have negated our own.
Boys are naturally tender and sensitive, I saw this very much when my boys were growing up, one of them has chosen to stay with this sensitivity, ‘ boys are naturally caring, sensitive people – not only deserving of love coming to them, but also deserving of feeling the gentleness of giving love – and not having to hold back out of a fear of feeling judged as lesser because of it.’
These kind of reflections are very needed as in our society there are so many installed statements about men and women that strongly condition their behaviour along their growing and living. Great to have this conversations, showing and confirming that there is another way, which is natural and possible indeed.
Thank you Michelle- it is crazy just how much boys can put on a tough act at such a young age! As I raise a newborn boy, it reminds me the responsibility I have to not get in the way, to not impose and to support his choices whatever they are.
One of the most gorgeous things about having a boy is his sensitivity. With my own son, it strikes me all the time how tender and loving he is and how painful it is for him when there is disharmony. He loves people so much and is such an awesome friend as he loves to check in on people and make sure they are ok. As a mum, I don’t always get it right and sometimes I do get in the way but I am always open to talking to him about when I have made mistakes or have been imposing and we both learn as we go.
What you share here Michelle reminds me very much of my boys when they were young, they were exactly like this, it was very beautiful to behold, back then I did not treasure and appreciate their sensitivity, tenderness and many more exquisite qualities.
However much they try to conform and bury their sensitivity boys and men know that it is there and it can then to leak out as jealousy when they see another boy/man being true to himself as your son experienced and without support to stay true to themselves it is no wonder that protective behaviours are taken on and passed down the generations to the detriment of all.
The sensitivity of boys and men is so tender and sweet that I can hardly credit we live in a world that so utterly denies it and rejects it. This is so much to the detriment of society and we need to wake up to it.
Showing your feelings is very different from showing your emotions. Feelings are true, emotions a reaction to a feeling and a man expressing a feeling is very much in his fullness. That applies to boys of any age as well.
Thanks so much for the clarity on this. Men are constantly being asked to show their emotions more but if we can clock that these are not necessarily the way to go but instead to articulate what they are feeling, then we have a solid platform from which to work from. Mental health issues among boys and men are escalating alarmingly so it is so important that we provide this platform from an early age.
Can you imagine if everyone in government honoured their own and everyone else’s sensitivity – we need to have more people in the public eye who are not afraid to say it how it is and deeply honour their tenderness and sensitivity.
Absolutely true role models to reflect that being connected to your sensitivity is a win win situation for all.
Yes there is constantly so much communication going on underneath all that we say and do. Much is said in a movement or look and much is felt and taken on in this same way too. We learn early what is accepted and what is not accepted in society and this keeps going in adulthood. I deeply thank Serge Benhayon too for opening my eyes to this undercurrent of communication so I can make free choices to be myself and will be able to let my future children be themselves too.
The undercurrent you comment on, Leike is a huge unarticulated subculture that is a known, but because it is unexpressed and un-nominated it is something we allow to have undue influence over us as we do not consciously bring to the fore our understanding of its ill effects and our choice to keep it this way.
Lieke is it possible our movements give us away before we say anything, so a child whether it is male or female notices movement first, copies that and it is the compression in the movement that if constantly repeated becomes a behaviour or pattern. Is it possible that when we are suppressed we also close down our sensitivity and fragility sometimes so much we become functional humans?
That interaction that you witnessed with your son is one of trillions that children all around the world are experiencing every day. These little (and big) hurts are being stored away in our bodies, and then play out as we get older. Your list towards the end of your blog show ways that these can play out. Thank God for Universal Medicine who is supporting people in a straight forward, simple way to heal these hurts from our childhood that stop us from living the natural loving, kind, spunky people we are.
I have been volunteering in a primary school recently and I have been observing the way the children are with each other. In one afternoon several of the children went up to their teacher to complain about how another child had spoken or interacted with them. In every case, the teacher told the child just to ignore it, but in every case, the child went away with hurt in their eyes. It seems like we have all the time in the world to impart knowledge but no time at all to support our kids within their relationships. When we fail to do this we simply create a rod for our own backs later down the line as we are creating dysfunction within families and within the community that has to have a fall out on our systems. Ditto to your comment Sarah – thank God for Universal Medicine – it is the only organisation I have ever come across that supports the healing of hurts at the root cause.
What is it about our society that as you say Michelle values education above supporting children to develop true relationships first with themselves which has a knock on effect with how they interact with others.
I have noticed with a friend’s son that he will engage in some full on behaviours and often people react to these behaviours and judge him. While the behaviours are challenging I am learning that they are a reaction to his sensitivity and what is not honoured in him. I find that when I don’t engage with the behaviours or identify him with these but connect to him and get him to share what he is feeling it supports him to let his sensitivity out.
This is such a wise way to approach children. When we identify with the behaviour the children start to believe that that is what defines them and they often label themselves as bad, not good enough, stupid and so on, which of course perpetuates their reactions to life. When we can see beyond this behaviour and hold them in their true essence then they feel a sense of worth and can be more open to looking at their behaviour and from being supported from their innate worth they get a sense of a foundation that is more solid, more real and less scary and out of control.
When a man expresses his tenderness- there is nothing more beautiful. As a woman on the receiving end of this- I love when a man drops the guards and expresses in his truly caring, tender and sensitive ways. Our world is so much richer for it.
“How is it that love and the expression of love are no longer the natural and normal way for so many boys and men?” we could also ask the same for girls and women – our whole race is living significantly less love then what we know is true to be.
” not only deserving of love coming to them, but also deserving of feeling the gentleness of giving love – and not having to hold back out of a fear of feeling judged as lesser because of it. ”
Fear of feeling judged, this is the important part . For boys and mens are burdened with this all their life. Letting the side down so to speak.
We really shortchange ourselves by moulding our young boys into something other than their natural self. They then walk around going about their lives living less and trying their hardest to fit in with what society says they should be.
We so desperately want to belong to feel ‘one’ with others, we choose to fit into these boxes and games and be the same. Yet we are following a lie and ultimately an empty drive. Because the true essence we all share is this Love inside. And the only way we can return to one is by us honouring, living and not hiding the fact that we are divine – a Son of God. We are here to live this to the max instead of playing less. Thank you Michelle.
Yes, and be ready to live with the reaction of others when they notice the difference.
Thanks for the reminder, Christoph. So many of us shut down our expression when we are children precisely because others have reacted to the truth, love and wisdom we can bring. It can be a slow and often painful re-learning in coming back to that expression in full so so important we support our children not to shut it down in the first place.
So true Michelle – the greatest part of this to me is not what we say but the way that we move. Men holding themselves in true tenderness and delicate grace move more like swans than bulls or bears.
Raising boys to keep their sensitivity and tenderness will dramatically change the world.
The beauty of this is for sure — that the answer lays in us, in how we are with ourselves and how much we are actually willing to be sensitive and share this with the world.. We carry all this love and unconditional expression within us , but have been used to lock it up so so far away that for most of us it is very rare to express in this way.. This reveals to us that we need to drop concepts, beliefs and ideals — and be real and loving in our relationship and approach to ourselves and to each other.
I know from experience what it feels like to lock away unconditional expression, to not express naturally or totally transparently; calculating what is ‘safe’ or ‘not safe’ to say or how to be. However, when I look at young children who haven’t yet got caught out by being rejected for it I love to observe them, loving the reflection of pure naturalness they offer. Because of them, there is such an abundance of natural expression in the world and I know that whenever I encounter such a child I am being offered an opportunity to let go a little bit more and allow a little bit more of myself to be seen. Their authenticity is pure yum and I am inspired by it!
Michelle – as someone who is expecting a boy, it is so beautiful to read this blog and know that we can raise boys to not get in the way. To truly support them and allow them to choose based on what they feel not what society wants them to be.
IT is great that there are now already parents who live in a way that give space to the boys to be themselves with them which gives them a foundation when they go out to school and other places. They can better stay with themselves if challenges and demands coming their way.
When we as a society have not allowed boys to express their naturally sensitive and caring way, and instead have imposed a set of ideals or beliefs on how tough they should be, it has let down humanity in many ways. The irony is that women are just as responsible for this imposition as they have raised boys in a way that fosters the usual claim that boys are competitive or it is natural for them to be aggressive and fight with each other and be rough during playtime, instead of supporting them to accept their ability to be gentle, caring, and sensitive (which, ironically is what most women say they want to see more in the men they are in relationships with). It’s almost like it is a giant excuse to not take on this responsibility to help boys nurture the feeling aspects of their lives, but instead say things like ‘boys will be boys’.
Reading this I can say I’ve lived that cycle of protection. Not being adored as a girl and believing that I cannot be adored rejects any attempts by men. Sending out the message that that natural tenderness is not welcome and so the cycle repeats itself. When one breaks this cycle and refuses to accept rejection and love regardless it’s amazing the chain reaction that occurs.
This is a gorgeous confirmation we all have not to reject ourselves, to appreciate our essence – what we bring just by being us so that we don’t reject others in turn who then may choose to reject themselves too. I know too from experience just how powerful it is to be confirmed by someone who has chosen to love themselves first and foremost, how that makes me feel and then how open I feel with others.
Align to love and our whole world changes and equally align to what is not love and watch everything in our world change. It is our alignment that governs our experience of life. It is our alignment that determines whether what we’re seeing and feeling is true and it is our alignment that dictates our understanding of life. Life does truly boil down to our alignment.
How is it that we have come to accept a false way of being that completely conflicts and contradicts our true way of being as normal, and not only that, that we impose and encourage this false way of being on our children? We all have a part to play in the development of our children, for our boys to feel confident to embrace and live with the tenderness that they are. Our world will truly develop in a far greater way when we all begin to accept our responsibility in how we are with boys and young men in our lives. As you have wisely said Michelle – ‘When the true expression of boys and men is unfettered, society indeed is blessed – a blessing humanity so desperately needs.’
So well articulated, Carola. I now work in an all boys school and no matter how much they try to deny their innate sensitivity it refuses to be buried as it can be palpably seen and felt. They can only dismiss it as they will never be rid of it, but the more they refuse to acknowledge it the more tension they will live with – as will us all. This is something that the whole of humanity needs to address but the truth is very simple. Both boys and girls are incredibly sensitive and precious and when the adults around them can start to recognise this and accept this within themselves we will be able to give our youth permission to accept it in themselves.
Yes, we are all sensitive, tender beings, ‘boys and girls are incredibly sensitive and precious and when the adults around them can start to recognise this and accept this within themselves we will be able to give our youth permission to accept it in themselves’.
I grew up with two sisters and a mum, with my father passing when I was young. I loved being around girls and loved their sweetness, delicate ways and their touch. It reminded me who I was. Growing up through the ages women eventually became a game of thrones. How many you could fool and all along missing that true affection. It became relief from the game we are playing if not loving ourselves.
The tenderness and care that boys have is super gorgeous. I work with young children and see this daily and am constantly inspired by this. It is interesting to observe how this changes and how boys start to hide this or hold it back for fear of being rejected and how they are not honoured in their sensitivity within society so this hardening becomes normalised.
It is a great marker that it actually stands out how men are expressing themselves and that we all feel it does not feel nice when a man is being rough, tough and making jokes that hurt people. The fact that we feel this means it is not our natural way and that needs to be appreciated, so we can change the situation.
Perhaps it all starts with recognising the simple sweetness of a boy for there to be a resurrection of their divine playfulness. Something that the world needs now more than ever before.
Allowing them to JUST BE is the simple ingredient that gets this recipe of love cooking!
This sweetness held over the years is the maker of the true man that holds more for the world to see and feel. A role model that is far from what is offered in the world today.
Society is definitely far worse off when men are not expressing their natural qualities so why do we continue to insist that they suppress these qualities and keep demanding that they must be something they are definitely not?
A great question to ask. What this then begs me to ask is, what is it that we like or get out of demanding that boys and men be something they are definitely not? In order for us to keep this in play, we must be getting something out of it. What is it that we don’t want to see or can’t handle that we would keep this game running, keep ourselves diminished and less and in the hurt of rejecting each other and ourselves?
This is a beautiful blog Michelle, in celebration of the innate tenderness and sensitivity that is natural in young boys. A quality to be nurtured rather than rejected and made fun of as this causes a hardness and protection that then carries through to the adult man, who is still just as tender, sensitive and vulnerable underneath the learnt layers.
I was at an all boys’ secondary school today and it is so palpably clear how sensitive all the boys are – it is totally crazy to me that this isn’t acknowledged let alone celebrated!
” When the true expression of boys and men is unfettered, society indeed is blessed – a blessing humanity so desperately needs.” This is for sure ,for the unfettered man is a man to behold.
It starts so young, doesn’t it, the rejection, the socialisation, the bravado… What a freeing day it will be for all when we are no longer constrained to act against our naturally loving selves.
Having the grace and the honour of living with boys has taught me about the beautiful sensitivity that lives within all men. And the best part is in openly appreciating this and seeing the joy that is felt by them, this is pure gold, to watch a boy or a man be respected for his sensitive and caring self is like nothing else on earth.
Yes and how they appreciate when this is honoured allows for images and ideals that have been bombarded into their face to slowly melt away.
Richard thank you for sharing this. I have always seen and loved the innate sensitivity that men are but had always been hurt and confused by their lack of appreciation and rejection of it. For my part I need to look at how and why I have personally contribed to this by rejecting my own sensitivity too. Much of my adult life was lived in reaction and hardness and I know that if I am not prepared to deal with this within myself I have no right to judge others or get hurt by the fact they made the very same choice as myself….
It’s amazing how much the spite and jealousy from another directed us can both undermine and disconnect us from ourselves no matter our age. It also goes to show how both sinister and gross an emotion like jealousy is and how we all need to learn (and be taught) how to manage it and rise above it.
I totally agree with you, Doug! It is also important to recognise that we need to support them from a lived wisdom from the body rather than ideals from the head. I am learning that in order to truly support another we need to support ourselves first. If we are to be the first generation for a long time to view the raising of children in a holistic way then we also need to be the first generation to live in this way also. It’s a bit like flying blind as there are so few role models out there doing this but it’s ok to learn as we go – we don’t have to be perfect at it!
It is interesting that boys and men are not allowed to be themselves, that they have to be something they are not and what is this exposing in our societies? Do we not like the tenderness and care that men naturally are but instead prefer the being hard and tough mentality? This mentality I too see more and more in our societies, that it is becoming more hard and careless, very functional without any warm heartedness. Therefore it could be key in changing the tide so to say, that we start to give more attention in raising our children in such a way that allows them to live the natural sweetness they naturally are and to deepen that into their adult lives. How would that change our societies to the better? I would advise to give it a try.
It is also quite shocking how hard girls have become too, and how they speak to each other is actually incredibly abusive but dressed up as jokey. I don’t know about other areas in the world but in the UK this ‘ladette’ culture of swearing, sex and booze has become so normalised that it is reflected and even celebrated in many English comedy films (Bridget Jone’s Baby springs to mind), which promotes it yet further.
If we stopped imposing on children the way we think they should be and instead allow them to grow up to be who they really are -the world may just be more healthier, more joyful, more purposeful.
As adults it is our responsibility to honour and appreciate our own differences for it is then that we can offer a reflection to our young that can inspire them to break away from the illusion of conforming to something which is not of their true nature and align to that which is a natural way of being.
Sometimes it seems like we are all living together in a world that we have created where we very much would like to show our sensitivities but somehow have set this place up in such a way that we can look upon ourselves with disfavour when sensitivities are shown – which is in total contrast to what we actually want.
Great questions Michelle that we as a society need to be asking of ourselves. How is it that we can allow ourselves to see love as something to be deemed as bad or as an unacceptable way of being. This highlights just how ‘off -track’ we are as a humanity. It doesn’t really make sense and the evidence is clearly seen in how our boys and men are faring in today’s world. For in-truth, not only is being loving our natural way of being, it is a quality we all appreciate and relish being met with. For are we not are truly free when we express who we naturally are, as this is what confirms us and the greatness, the power and the realness that we all innately hold within.
Recently it was a friend’s birthday and that morning I had 2 boys in my care. They decided they wanted to make her a birthday card. There was so much joy as they spent the morning before school drawing, colouring and decorating birthday cards. The cards were covered in love hearts, butterflies and flowers. The love in the cards was palpable and the joy the 2 of them had making the cards was exquisite. They had not a care in the world and expressed as they wished to.
How much space do we allow men to be loving and caring? I ask this to all including myself. Deep down we all want love and care but do we provide a space for love and care to be expressed? This has been developed within myself over the years but recently the allowing it to come back from another has been another matter. It makes me wonder, what if we gave men the space to be their naturally caring selves?
Interesting how women fight for the rights to be treated as equals – yet our boys are not treated as equals in their sensitivity, gentleness and love for tenderness.
We all have a responsibility to show children how lovely they are when they are naturally tender and gentle with each other. We also have a responsibility to give them boundaries so that they can feel supported in when they feel pressured to behave in a way that is not natural to them.
“Raising boys to be men who are free to be themselves and to express their innate gentleness and care, is essential. It builds love, brings beauty, binds generations and heals hurts. When the true expression of boys and men is unfettered, society indeed is blessed – a blessing humanity so desperately needs.” beautifully expressed Michele a new generation of men who are not afraid to show and express from the deep tenderness and love that lives in the heart of every man.
Your observations and wisdom is so refreshing to read Michelle. The state of how things are also points us to the deep responsibility we all hold in our every way and interaction… Do we perpetuate/fuel the horrendous way in which boys and men are shut down and told not to feel? Does any part of us – and I voice this in relation to women in particular – want or need boys and men to be a certain way? Do we lean on men for their seeming pillar-like strength, only then to be uncomfortable if vulnerability is shown?
There is so much for us all to observe and go deeper with in our own lives here, that we can truly break such destructive cycles and set a new way forward for us all.
The most important lesson which my sons are teaching me, is that what they need more than anything else, is to have their soulful light confirmed. What transpires after that is fully their choice, whether they choose to enjoin in to the pack-group mentality or not, whether they choose to become hardened and dismissive or not, whether they choose to self-destruct or not. All of this comes down to their own personal relationship with the love that is inside of them, a relationship and a connection that I cannot control, but simply watch and remain loving towards as much as it is possible for me to be, given my own relationship with this same love.
“In short, most men go through life not expressing themselves naturally, even though the natural and true expression of men is tenderness, care and love.” How sadly true is this of both man and women?
Agreed Irena – women are missing out big time from men holding back their natural and very tender expression. Some women think they like tough men, but that toughness is just to hide the fact that women are equally trying to be as tough as these men. If men dropped into their tenderness more it would expose the fact that women are also not expressing their natural depth of nurturing and sacredness.
I have had the lovely experience many times over of being with a group of men who are very tender with themselves and each other. In expressing from this place the group feels very warm and holding. In fact I would go as far as to say that this group of men have taught me a lot about where women are currently at (we have still a way to go in terms of melting appreciation and the holding of each other without judgment or comparison), and I found it to be inspiring.
“How is it that love and the expression of love are no longer the natural and normal way for so many boys and men?” What a bold question this is? Any other way feels so unfamiliar to me. How far we have strayed from this expression of men.
And if we as men start to live and be this tenderness in our daily lives, this will naturally reflect to those around us, offering a wonderful choice.
“I could see how we master at such a young age to hide our naturalness for fear of rejection and ridicule.” A great line Michelle and relevant to both genders. It seems to me that as a society we have forgotten what is truly important because being our natural selves is something that gets crushed to the detriment of all at an early age. As a society we seem to live in a drive and push, revering knowledge and being rough with ourselves and others – we have forgotten how to live gently with ourselves and others cherishing who we each are.
‘How many women desperately want men to be more sensitive and open and – if men were honest – how many men want to be open and express their sensitivity too?’
I find this statement interesting as I agree we all want to feel warmth, care, tenderness and to be nurtured. However, I also know of women who find it hard to embrace men who do express like this because they themselves don’t feel they are worth it. First it needs to come from how we are with ourselves.
In order to protect ourselves from the hardness in the world we become hard ourselves. This, in truth, serves no one. How awesome when we can stay open without the usual guards. How awesome when we allow ourselves the awareness of these energetic layers we have placed around ourselves and consciously let them go. The more we do this the more a strong foundation of steadiness and stability is born. From this we can be walking examples not only to children but adults alike. Very much a work in progress for me but great to feel the walls crumbling to give way to more truly honest communication and thus relationships.
What is shared in this blog is the joy we can all experience when raising boys. Many young boys are bombarded with ideals and beliefs of others along with those of their family. Searching to belong when they had so much to offer just being themselves. In many cases I was strongly encouraged by my up line management to make sure I had developed a detailed behaviour management program that would have the children under control.
What I experienced was the fact that nothing was needed once we allow children to learn and grow from their mistakes not different to ours and like us model levels of responsibility to keep deepening our relationships so that everyone has the opportunity to live with the same quality.
As a parent of two mature men who are now parents of their own children, it has been hard to watch the sensitive little ones harden in order to live in the world. When I see them with their own little ones I get a glimpse of the ‘sensitive and gentle’ little one and I am reassured that ‘he’ is still there.
When my son was little he was into super heroes. I turned a blind eye and thought it was normal as every 3 year old boy seems to love super heroes. But there came a day when I opened my eyes and saw what was being portrayed to my son. A big, tough, aggressive and sometimes angry figure and that was something that was glorified. That was not what I wanted my son to grow up thinking was a man. We took the opportunity to talk about what a true man was and gradually the super heroes fell to the way side. They still come into play every now and then but not with the reverence they used to have.
Michelle, this is such a great article, I observe how boys are so sweet and sensitive when they start school, if they fall over and it hurts they cry; they wear what they feel to and express what they are feeling – this is all very natural and it is lovely engaging with these boys, they feel very open and honest. I notice how this changes as the boys get older, there is a pressure to not cry when they get hurt; to all be the same; to not play with the girls and to not engage with the adults, this behaviour feels protected and not natural and it feels much harder to engage with the older boys in the playground, when they do open up I get to feel the absolute sweet boys that they are that they have just been hiding this sweetness through fear in their words of being called a ‘wussy’.
We really need to call what we do to boys what it is – a from of bullying. It is so normal in society to harden boys but it’s actually deeply abusive to not let people be who they simply are. Imagine the effort it takes for kids and adults to constantly be on guard to not be themselves? It must be exhausting.
I love the expression you share of your son and how he offers something that allows others to feel safe and light up when they see him. Every boy needs to be supported and celebrated and cherished as they are all gorgeous even when their external behaviours don’t match this- we need to see beyond this to understand what it is they are communicating and support their essence to be seen.
I so agree with you Kristy. I have observed a number of beautiful boys contract as they grow adopting silly behaviours that many then assume are simply how they are configured. This is not true. To me their behaviours are suggestive of how insecure they are feeling and is a call from the need for attention in whatever way they can get it. Supporting our boys to know who they are by giving them opportunities to confirm their own essence is of paramount importance.
I’ve had so many girlfriends share with me that they know men who are closed up, and that they see men in this way or that they wish men were more ‘sensitive’. Which is a pretty common way to describe men. And whilst we can see this as a ‘normal’ thing to say – we don’t seem to question why it is we are saying this. But Michelle you have delivered something huge here -that we have a responsibility to raise boys in a way where they can be themselves -which is naturally open and tender.
I know that the more tender I am with myself, the more tender and open I am with my husband and this confirms that he can be this too. Women have a huge role to play in supporting men to be all of who they are, but it starts with women knowing the deep power and stillness they bring.
What’s so interesting is that I have recently started a job where being a woman is rare amongst the ‘boys club’ and the behaviours mentioned above of 8 year olds and teenagers are the very thing I am witnessing on a daily basis – but of grown men, who even have their own families. It blows my mind how protected these men feel the need to be. The competition, the putting each other down at any opportunity, the macho talk, all of it is just so as not to appear vulnerable, sensitive or gentle. It’s amazing how ingrained the behaviour is.
I have noted this too. What has been of concern to me, apart from the fact these men do not feel safe to be themselves, is that this way of operating is continued because no one feels safe enough to express transparently and honestly. Traditionally it has been those in the ‘boys clubs’ that have been in positions of influence and power and while under all that behaviour men are incredibly and gorgeously sensitive. If they dare not show it we all continue in this cycle of reaction, bravado and abuse dismissing it as normal, or even worse, identifying this as what being a man is.
We only have to look at the many social issues that many men are suffering from to know the way they are conditioned from an early age is not healthy and definitely not working. Young boys have to be encouraged and supported to express from their sensitivity and tenderness.
Raising boys to be men who are free to be themselves and to express their innate gentleness and care, is essential. It builds love, brings beauty, binds generations and heals hurts. When the true expression of boys and men is unfettered, society indeed is blessed – a blessing humanity so desperately needs. Absolutely Michelle. We have recently had a male Educator work at our centre and for me, his presence is most welcome. Men bring that earthy, supportive and gentle quality that is truly needed with children, particularly little boys as you beautifully express here.
Watching as young boys encounter the pressure to act lovelessly, is interesting, because initially they reject it, as it is not normal to them or the love that they feel. But eventually, it seems that the want or the need to ‘fit in’ with society becomes very strong and here is where they are presented with a choice – to remain in the tenderness and the love that they feel they would like to express, or to harden their bodies and enjoin in the lovelessness that they can see. This is where we as adults have such a huge role to play in the future of our human race, as there are more and more role models of men showing that love and tenderness need not be rejected but in fact can be embraced all throughout life.
As adults we have a responsibility of the reflection we offer children if we like our young boys to grow up with their tenderness and care we need to be living that to the best of our ability in all our interactions with others in order to once again live our innate right to be who we truly are.
How we complicate things in various ways due to peoples reactions thus inhibiting our natural expressions of love.
Having worked with young boys in a daycare environment for many years I was constantly meet with the deep levels of care and attention they gave to others when they were met with no judgement or expectations. It is interesting to note that the earlier a young boy is exposed to these belief patterns the earlier they start to display these amongst their peers and can be labelled as being ‘rough’ or “naughty” which is far from who they truly are. It often has me pondering on the responsibility we have as adults to be true role models of accepting others rather than expecting of others.
Thank you for this Natallija, it is a beautiful confirmation of what is being discussed here.
Understanding that gender does not determine tenderness is equally one of the greatest gifts Serge Benhayon has offered. Humans are tender, loving, gentle and naturally open hearted. We are all born this way. What happens next and how quickly it changes depends on the reflection we receive back from our carers. It’s a fact that when we shine others feel uncomfortable because already the messages sent to them are not ones of confirmation let alone encouragement.
I love the tenderness of both the adult and the child in the above photo. It really shows how tenderness is a natural state of being for men.
I feel a lot of girls and women have become quite hard and protected, they have lost touch with their sensitivity, fragility and tenderness, this used to be the case for myself too. Men need to be able to see and feel this delicateness in women to help support themselves to return to their true essence.
“How is it that love and the expression of love are no longer the natural and normal way for so many boys and men?” It would seem that even if we raise boys to be loving and expressive in their early years when they get to school – or even day care – these tenets no longer hold sway. Peer pressure then comes along and it can be woe betide any young boy who is seen to be crying – for whatever reason. So the sadness etc gets bottled in and may explode in rage at a later date. Men are just as tender as any woman. Allowing them to express their sensitivity is a task for us all herein.
Societies expectations of men has to change, as the norm is not working. Men are naturally tender and sensitive and these traits should be encouraged, instead of what we have now where males are encouraged to suppress their sensitivity and become hard and tough.
A great re read Michelle and I was left with a feeling of sadness about how we have allowed our boys and men (all of us really) to be manipulated and shut down from expressing our true nature. This is a crime of huge proportions when I feel the impact of living a life being less that I am/we are. It is hideous and evidence of how far we have to go as a society in embracing each other lovingly.
Hello Michelle and who is running this show? I mean we all can see how boys are and how they are naturally when they are younger. Who is running the template for the change in this boys into men? I mean have we genuinely studied, asked and consulted men and women worldwide to see what is the best approach. I see us teaching boys to shut down and take this ‘tough’ route and then I look at the health and wellbeing of men worldwide and it’s obvious something needs to change. But we don’t change and that square peg is still having pressure put on it to fit into the round hole. When do we wake from this apparent slumberland to deliver boys to men. At the moment our talk, walk and view of this is distorted but clearly it’s not working, time to change, no? It’s not we react and start showing boys the other way but genuinely look at what is happening to our boys and see how this will do nothing to offset the huge numbers of illness and disease growing in men.
I was at a presentation by Sara Williams and Foundational Breast Care over the weekend and when I heard that many 8-15 year old girls in a US survey had felt they were getting breast cancer as their breasts were developing, it hit home very hard to me that as adults the reflection we are offering both our boys and girls is far from true or loving – in fact I would go as far as to say abusive. We are educating our children to be hard and tough, we are educating to fear disease – not understand the responsibility and part we play in its manifestation, we are educating that lack of connection is ok, we are educating that what is inside isn’t worth talking about or expressing, we are educating that function and systems come before relationships and people, we are educating that we have to put ourselves last. Within all of this I felt deeply the responsibility I have to nurture myself, to show that this is possible so it can be reflected to everyone, but especially to our children so that they grow up knowing that their first responsibility is their relationship with themselves and to deeply honour and appreciate this..
How crazy is it that we treat one-half of the population one way and the other half a different way when all that is needed is for us to connect and be ourselves with everyone. This surely has to be the definition of making things complicated.
It’s taken me 30+ years to realise what I’ve always known – that I am as sensitive as a baby. Yet, I’ve built so many walls, so much protection that I when I check in with myself in my day, I realise I am holding on…but for what? I feel inspired by your writing here, Michelle, and I do know that I can raise my son in a way which will be supportive to allow him be all that he is.
Perhaps it is the responsibility of women to show that they appreciate men when they are tender and gentle rather than lapping up magazines and images of macho tough guys.
Super point Mary. I feel that it is so important that we appreciate those qualities in ourselves first. When we can do this it is really easy to confirm this in boys and men.
I love that you have a little boy who has been honoured and encouraged to express who they are in full without boundaries or judgments as to how that should look. It is boys like this growing into men that will show others there is a far more beautiful way to be free of projections and expectations of society and utterly embracing of their gorgeous and innate qualities that bless us all.
It is to all our detriment that ‘we master at such a young age to hide our naturalness for fear of rejection and ridicule’ and it affects not just the boys who feel they have to toughen up but girls and women as well. The more we start to encourage boys to express their natural tenderness the more it will be reflected out to others and become possible.
“The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world” is not necessarily true but most certainly women can change the world, by our loving encouragement and support of tenderness in our boys! Allowing our boys to be gentle and loving without the push to toughen up and be a man, and quotes that: “boys don’t cry”,”don’t be a girl” etc. I see this quote as a put down of girls also. Instead of focusing on the separation of the sexes encourage the similarities and accept the differences!
Bringing awareness in how we are raising our boys is a marker of the responsibility in the quality of the men we see in the later years.
It was interesting how all the awesome statements about men expressing themselves resonated deeply with me and yet, when the statement about playing with dolls, liking pink and fairies was made, I still cringed a little and it showed me how deeply ingrained the conditioning really is. The sharing about the older boy belittling the girl through jealousy was hugely powerful. It highlighted just how the manipulative consciousness can work through us at such a young age. Tragic and scary really. It brings the question, how you do defend against that? Keeping communication channels open and ensuring our children feel safe and worthy to express is so important.
yes so important.. It wasn’t until I had written the blog that I realised that the boy who was jealous was actually this girl’s brother. When I realised this is also showed me how we allow dysfunction and abuse in the family but constantly dismiss it because we are actually not sure how to handle it, or how to communicate honestly with our kids… Again a reflection perhaps of the abuse we accept as normal for ourselves without clocking it as unacceptable, or indeed that it is abuse at all dismissing it all as “that’s boys”, or “that’s just life”.
I can really feel how fragile us men are, and how few of us are willing to admit this is so. I wonder what would happen if we did, instead we play this game of pretend where no weakness is ever allowed to be shown. I do sometimes wonder how it came to pass that men had to put on such bravado, and I admire the men who care not what other men think and just share their feelings naturally. It is sad to see how 8 year old boys can become so conditioned but I remember it well from my own school days. How beautiful Michelle that you are able to read the situation and share with your own son what is really going on.
Beautiful Stephen. Yes when I observe little boys it is so obvious to me how sensitive they are and I honestly have trouble not reacting to people who say boys are tough and are supposed to be competitive! Thanks for sharing your own feelings as the more who do, the more as a society we can accept the exquisite tenderness that boys and and men innately possess. I am seriously humbled by the sensitivity and tenderness that my son and husband have and feel truly blessed when they express this openly and from the heart.
The world would be a better place if men were encouraged to express from their natural tender selves
I looked at the first line to this blog today and while we say ‘children are our future’ we need to look at who they will look to for guidance,”Raising boys to be confident to show and express their feelings is an approach society generally does not yet support.” They will look to men and while there is support for young boys we generally haven’t yet supported men to “show and express their feelings”. It’s a bit of the chicken or the egg scenario I guess but while we are looking at boys, let’s widen our view and include them all big and small.
Agreed Ray – there’s nothing to say we can’t simultaneously support both men and boys to access and express how they are really feeling. I find that my children can be a very powerful support especially when we are working on something together.
The delicateness we can feel from boys and men is very beholding for women. I’ts the responsibility of holding ourselves in the same equalness that can be challenging and asks us to let go of protection.
Peer pressure cripples many many people to the point where whole societies can embody a dysfunction. It is great to be discussing this and understanding that there may be whole new ways of living.
It is our responsibility now as parent to be living in a way so that our children have role models of what it is like to be transparent, to speak truthfully, to have integrity, indeed to be transparent, for this is the way that our society will evolve.
Absolutely Chris. If we don’t lead the way for our children they will know no different.
I love this conversation Michelle, a truly vital one to have and it feels like we are addressing the elephant in the room when we do. Reassessing the expectations, ideals and beliefs placed on men and then acknowledging the hurt of not being able to live as who we truly are is vital for mental and physical health.
Yes Cathy the ideals and beliefs around what it means to be a man are thick and lace everything, as indeed are many ideals and beliefs on so many aspects of how we live our lives. However when we come from stillness and love we have a new marker and these lacings become much easier to identify, and within our own lives they start to fall away as we start to embrace our tenderness and stillness.