Raising boys to be confident to show and express their feelings is an approach society generally does not yet support. Our boys are naturally caring, sensitive people – not only deserving of love coming to them, but also deserving of feeling the gentleness of giving love – and not having to hold back out of a fear of feeling judged as lesser because of it.
Is it possible that from an early age, boys are encouraged to shut off from connecting with their tender and gentle side and to instead, behave competitively and to become hard? As children, boys soon learn that liking girls, flowers, butterflies and pink is ‘sissy’ and not for them.
How is it that love and the expression of love are no longer the natural and normal way for so many boys and men?
My son, who is nearly 6, is popular with some girls at school because he is very natural and, although not perfect, he isn’t afraid to show his gentle, caring, sensitive side. I noticed that a girl in his class went out of her way to say hello to him and he turned to her in acknowledgement and beamed at her. This was also noticed by another boy from an older class, who would have been about 8 years old. What was interesting was that he then turned to the girl and said something along the lines of, “Are you visiting your boyfriend?” in a very derogatory way, referring to my son. This made the girl hesitate to approach my son again and you could visibly see her confusion because she knew she had been made to feel less in some way for having shown her joy at seeing him.
It was only later that I realised that this boy really liked this girl and was jealous that she had shared such a natural and joyful exchange with my son. He also wanted to be natural around this girl, but because he was standing with two of his friends, he didn’t want to reveal it and was putting on a front. It was important to him to get her to notice him in any way at all – even belittling her was a win for him as it certainly got her attention. For him, this was better than showing his true feelings and allowing her to like him naturally, which was not even on his radar.
Witnessing this, I could see how we master at such a young age to hide our naturalness for fear of rejection and ridicule… and how boys get rejected at so young an age that by the time they get to 8 years old they are already displaying pack behaviour and choosing to over-ride their true expression and feelings.
This event reminded me of how many teenage boys behave around girls and how boys will do anything to not show their vulnerability. They put up a front for the purpose of hiding who they are from their mates, for fear of being ridiculed or of being rejected by them, for having and showing these more refined feelings.
What would happen if we allowed our boys to wear pastel/bright colours if they wanted to, paint their nails if they wanted to, play with dolls if they wanted to, or to cry and say, “that hurts” when it hurts? (Playing with dolls and liking pink items or fairies doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with your son – it just means he wants to play with a doll and likes pink and fairies!).
Wouldn’t we then be confirming that they are great because there would be no judgement on their true expression? Instead of making them feel less and wrong by saying, “Boys don’t do that!,” we would be encouraging and honouring them for being who they are first and allowing them to be honest and natural in expressing whatever is going on for them.
The natural, caring expression of men is truly tender and loving and yet each generation, in order to cope with their hurts and sense of rejection, tries to toughen up the next by telling their boys that feelings are not only not important but they are a bad thing to have… that getting in touch with their ‘feminine side’ is weak and undesirable and they must get rid of it.
How many women desperately want men to be more sensitive and open and – if men were honest – how many men want to be open and express their sensitivity too?
Their hurts stay with them and, as they grow, boys and then men, cope with their sense of rejection of not being allowed to just be themselves by sticking with behaviours that seemed to protect them in the past… for example, by:
- Dismissing feelings and emotions and over-riding them with logic
- Cutting short any displays of affection
- Holding back when hugging and keeping hugs short
- Going for a run when they feel hurt so as not to feel their pain or show their vulnerability
- Joining the local football club or supporting the local team so that there is something on the outer to connect to when there is such an emptiness inside
- Resorting to going to the pub with friends every Friday to give life a framework
and, even more insidious:
- seeing every male they encounter as competition.
In short, most men go through life not expressing themselves naturally, even though the natural and true expression of men is tenderness, care and love.
Imagine two straight men expressing their love publicly for one another in utter tenderness and expressing from the heart without fear or worry that someone will question their sexuality. I have witnessed and been blessed by this many times over from men who are well down the road in dealing with their hurts, who have shown me how possible and how real this is.
Raising boys to be men who are free to be themselves and to express their innate gentleness and care, is essential. It builds love, brings beauty, binds generations and heals hurts. When the true expression of boys and men is unfettered, society indeed is blessed – a blessing humanity so desperately needs.
A heartfelt thank you to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for enabling me to see without judgement past the protective behaviours people have, in understanding why they are there and for supporting me in seeing through mine.
By Michelle McWaters, Bath UK
674 Comments
Showing your feelings is very different from showing your emotions. Feelings are true, emotions a reaction to a feeling and a man expressing a feeling is very much in his fullness. That applies to boys of any age as well.
Thanks so much for the clarity on this. Men are constantly being asked to show their emotions more but if we can clock that these are not necessarily the way to go but instead to articulate what they are feeling, then we have a solid platform from which to work from. Mental health issues among boys and men are escalating alarmingly so it is so important that we provide this platform from an early age.
Can you imagine if everyone in government honoured their own and everyone else’s sensitivity – we need to have more people in the public eye who are not afraid to say it how it is and deeply honour their tenderness and sensitivity.
Yes there is constantly so much communication going on underneath all that we say and do. Much is said in a movement or look and much is felt and taken on in this same way too. We learn early what is accepted and what is not accepted in society and this keeps going in adulthood. I deeply thank Serge Benhayon too for opening my eyes to this undercurrent of communication so I can make free choices to be myself and will be able to let my future children be themselves too.
The undercurrent you comment on, Leike is a huge unarticulated subculture that is a known, but because it is unexpressed and un-nominated it is something we allow to have undue influence over us as we do not consciously bring to the fore our understanding of its ill effects and our choice to keep it this way.
That interaction that you witnessed with your son is one of trillions that children all around the world are experiencing every day. These little (and big) hurts are being stored away in our bodies, and then play out as we get older. Your list towards the end of your blog show ways that these can play out. Thank God for Universal Medicine who is supporting people in a straight forward, simple way to heal these hurts from our childhood that stop us from living the natural loving, kind, spunky people we are.
I have been volunteering in a primary school recently and I have been observing the way the children are with each other. In one afternoon several of the children went up to their teacher to complain about how another child had spoken or interacted with them. In every case, the teacher told the child just to ignore it, but in every case, the child went away with hurt in their eyes. It seems like we have all the time in the world to impart knowledge but no time at all to support our kids within their relationships. When we fail to do this we simply create a rod for our own backs later down the line as we are creating dysfunction within families and within the community that has to have a fall out on our systems. Ditto to your comment Sarah – thank God for Universal Medicine – it is the only organisation I have ever come across that supports the healing of hurts at the root cause.
I have noticed with a friend’s son that he will engage in some full on behaviours and often people react to these behaviours and judge him. While the behaviours are challenging I am learning that they are a reaction to his sensitivity and what is not honoured in him. I find that when I don’t engage with the behaviours or identify him with these but connect to him and get him to share what he is feeling it supports him to let his sensitivity out.
This is such a wise way to approach children. When we identify with the behaviour the children start to believe that that is what defines them and they often label themselves as bad, not good enough, stupid and so on, which of course perpetuates their reactions to life. When we can see beyond this behaviour and hold them in their true essence then they feel a sense of worth and can be more open to looking at their behaviour and from being supported from their innate worth they get a sense of a foundation that is more solid, more real and less scary and out of control.
When a man expresses his tenderness- there is nothing more beautiful. As a woman on the receiving end of this- I love when a man drops the guards and expresses in his truly caring, tender and sensitive ways. Our world is so much richer for it.
“How is it that love and the expression of love are no longer the natural and normal way for so many boys and men?” we could also ask the same for girls and women – our whole race is living significantly less love then what we know is true to be.
” not only deserving of love coming to them, but also deserving of feeling the gentleness of giving love – and not having to hold back out of a fear of feeling judged as lesser because of it. ”
Fear of feeling judged, this is the important part . For boys and mens are burdened with this all their life. Letting the side down so to speak.
We really shortchange ourselves by moulding our young boys into something other than their natural self. They then walk around going about their lives living less and trying their hardest to fit in with what society says they should be.
We so desperately want to belong to feel ‘one’ with others, we choose to fit into these boxes and games and be the same. Yet we are following a lie and ultimately an empty drive. Because the true essence we all share is this Love inside. And the only way we can return to one is by us honouring, living and not hiding the fact that we are divine – a Son of God. We are here to live this to the max instead of playing less. Thank you Michelle.
Yes, and be ready to live with the reaction of others when they notice the difference.
Thanks for the reminder, Christoph. So many of us shut down our expression when we are children precisely because others have reacted to the truth, love and wisdom we can bring. It can be a slow and often painful re-learning in coming back to that expression in full so so important we support our children not to shut it down in the first place.
So true Michelle – the greatest part of this to me is not what we say but the way that we move. Men holding themselves in true tenderness and delicate grace move more like swans than bulls or bears.
Raising boys to keep their sensitivity and tenderness will dramatically change the world.
The beauty of this is for sure — that the answer lays in us, in how we are with ourselves and how much we are actually willing to be sensitive and share this with the world.. We carry all this love and unconditional expression within us , but have been used to lock it up so so far away that for most of us it is very rare to express in this way.. This reveals to us that we need to drop concepts, beliefs and ideals — and be real and loving in our relationship and approach to ourselves and to each other.
I know from experience what it feels like to lock away unconditional expression, to not express naturally or totally transparently; calculating what is ‘safe’ or ‘not safe’ to say or how to be. However, when I look at young children who haven’t yet got caught out by being rejected for it I love to observe them, loving the reflection of pure naturalness they offer. Because of them, there is such an abundance of natural expression in the world and I know that whenever I encounter such a child I am being offered an opportunity to let go a little bit more and allow a little bit more of myself to be seen. Their authenticity is pure yum and I am inspired by it!
Michelle – as someone who is expecting a boy, it is so beautiful to read this blog and know that we can raise boys to not get in the way. To truly support them and allow them to choose based on what they feel not what society wants them to be.
IT is great that there are now already parents who live in a way that give space to the boys to be themselves with them which gives them a foundation when they go out to school and other places. They can better stay with themselves if challenges and demands coming their way.
When we as a society have not allowed boys to express their naturally sensitive and caring way, and instead have imposed a set of ideals or beliefs on how tough they should be, it has let down humanity in many ways. The irony is that women are just as responsible for this imposition as they have raised boys in a way that fosters the usual claim that boys are competitive or it is natural for them to be aggressive and fight with each other and be rough during playtime, instead of supporting them to accept their ability to be gentle, caring, and sensitive (which, ironically is what most women say they want to see more in the men they are in relationships with). It’s almost like it is a giant excuse to not take on this responsibility to help boys nurture the feeling aspects of their lives, but instead say things like ‘boys will be boys’.
Reading this I can say I’ve lived that cycle of protection. Not being adored as a girl and believing that I cannot be adored rejects any attempts by men. Sending out the message that that natural tenderness is not welcome and so the cycle repeats itself. When one breaks this cycle and refuses to accept rejection and love regardless it’s amazing the chain reaction that occurs.
This is a gorgeous confirmation we all have not to reject ourselves, to appreciate our essence – what we bring just by being us so that we don’t reject others in turn who then may choose to reject themselves too. I know too from experience just how powerful it is to be confirmed by someone who has chosen to love themselves first and foremost, how that makes me feel and then how open I feel with others.
How is it that we have come to accept a false way of being that completely conflicts and contradicts our true way of being as normal, and not only that, that we impose and encourage this false way of being on our children? We all have a part to play in the development of our children, for our boys to feel confident to embrace and live with the tenderness that they are. Our world will truly develop in a far greater way when we all begin to accept our responsibility in how we are with boys and young men in our lives. As you have wisely said Michelle – ‘When the true expression of boys and men is unfettered, society indeed is blessed – a blessing humanity so desperately needs.’
So well articulated, Carola. I now work in an all boys school and no matter how much they try to deny their innate sensitivity it refuses to be buried as it can be palpably seen and felt. They can only dismiss it as they will never be rid of it, but the more they refuse to acknowledge it the more tension they will live with – as will us all. This is something that the whole of humanity needs to address but the truth is very simple. Both boys and girls are incredibly sensitive and precious and when the adults around them can start to recognise this and accept this within themselves we will be able to give our youth permission to accept it in themselves.
I grew up with two sisters and a mum, with my father passing when I was young. I loved being around girls and loved their sweetness, delicate ways and their touch. It reminded me who I was. Growing up through the ages women eventually became a game of thrones. How many you could fool and all along missing that true affection. It became relief from the game we are playing if not loving ourselves.
The tenderness and care that boys have is super gorgeous. I work with young children and see this daily and am constantly inspired by this. It is interesting to observe how this changes and how boys start to hide this or hold it back for fear of being rejected and how they are not honoured in their sensitivity within society so this hardening becomes normalised.
It is a great marker that it actually stands out how men are expressing themselves and that we all feel it does not feel nice when a man is being rough, tough and making jokes that hurt people. The fact that we feel this means it is not our natural way and that needs to be appreciated, so we can change the situation.
Perhaps it all starts with recognising the simple sweetness of a boy for there to be a resurrection of their divine playfulness. Something that the world needs now more than ever before.
Allowing them to JUST BE is the simple ingredient that gets this recipe of love cooking!
This sweetness held over the years is the maker of the true man that holds more for the world to see and feel. A role model that is far from what is offered in the world today.
Michelle, thank you on two levels for this blog … for exposing how we ‘destroy’ the natural tenderness, and care of our boy. Your first paragraph is such a devastating commentary on how we raise our boys now … that we do not support them to be caring, sensitive, loving and confident. And secondly you remind me to see beyond behaviours and understand that for many that’s a way for them to express something of themselves in an allowed way, and to know that underneath all of this they are the tender boys they’ve always been.
Society is definitely far worse off when men are not expressing their natural qualities so why do we continue to insist that they suppress these qualities and keep demanding that they must be something they are definitely not?
A great question to ask. What this then begs me to ask is, what is it that we like or get out of demanding that boys and men be something they are definitely not? In order for us to keep this in play, we must be getting something out of it. What is it that we don’t want to see or can’t handle that we would keep this game running, keep ourselves diminished and less and in the hurt of rejecting each other and ourselves?
This is a beautiful blog Michelle, in celebration of the innate tenderness and sensitivity that is natural in young boys. A quality to be nurtured rather than rejected and made fun of as this causes a hardness and protection that then carries through to the adult man, who is still just as tender, sensitive and vulnerable underneath the learnt layers.
I was at an all boys’ secondary school today and it is so palpably clear how sensitive all the boys are – it is totally crazy to me that this isn’t acknowledged let alone celebrated!
” When the true expression of boys and men is unfettered, society indeed is blessed – a blessing humanity so desperately needs.” This is for sure ,for the unfettered man is a man to behold.
I totally agree John, a man expressing from his tenderness and sensitivity touches the hearts of those blessed to be in contact with him.
It starts so young, doesn’t it, the rejection, the socialisation, the bravado… What a freeing day it will be for all when we are no longer constrained to act against our naturally loving selves.
Having the grace and the honour of living with boys has taught me about the beautiful sensitivity that lives within all men. And the best part is in openly appreciating this and seeing the joy that is felt by them, this is pure gold, to watch a boy or a man be respected for his sensitive and caring self is like nothing else on earth.
Yes and how they appreciate when this is honoured allows for images and ideals that have been bombarded into their face to slowly melt away.
I shared a story with a group this week about how sensitive men are told to toughen up and ‘not be so sensitive, or wussy.’ So, they do and then become hardened to their feelings. Then they meet a woman and are told ‘oh, you’re so insensitive’! Then we wander around confused for a time… a long time for many…uncertain about how to ‘win’ this game of life. I thank God for people like Michelle who realise that sensitivity in men is natural and that it is to be celebrated and embraced not negated. It never goes away, we just bury it under a pile of rubble and pretend it isn’t there. I have come to appreciate being sensitive – at last – and it feels very natural and self-loving to do so.
Richard thank you for sharing this. I have always seen and loved the innate sensitivity that men are but had always been hurt and confused by their lack of appreciation and rejection of it. For my part I need to look at how and why I have personally contribed to this by rejecting my own sensitivity too. Much of my adult life was lived in reaction and hardness and I know that if I am not prepared to deal with this within myself I have no right to judge others or get hurt by the fact they made the very same choice as myself….
It’s amazing how much the spite and jealousy from another directed us can both undermine and disconnect us from ourselves no matter our age. It also goes to show how both sinister and gross an emotion like jealousy is and how we all need to learn (and be taught) how to manage it and rise above it.
It is so important for us to start to raise boys differently to how it has been done in modern times. The first few years are critical in giving them an opportunity to know who they are. The next challenge is to support them through the conditioning system that we call school where from every angle they will be targeted to encourage them to lose their innate sensitivity.
I totally agree with you, Doug! It is also important to recognise that we need to support them from a lived wisdom from the body rather than ideals from the head. I am learning that in order to truly support another we need to support ourselves first. If we are to be the first generation for a long time to view the raising of children in a holistic way then we also need to be the first generation to live in this way also. It’s a bit like flying blind as there are so few role models out there doing this but it’s ok to learn as we go – we don’t have to be perfect at it!
It is interesting that boys and men are not allowed to be themselves, that they have to be something they are not and what is this exposing in our societies? Do we not like the tenderness and care that men naturally are but instead prefer the being hard and tough mentality? This mentality I too see more and more in our societies, that it is becoming more hard and careless, very functional without any warm heartedness. Therefore it could be key in changing the tide so to say, that we start to give more attention in raising our children in such a way that allows them to live the natural sweetness they naturally are and to deepen that into their adult lives. How would that change our societies to the better? I would advise to give it a try.
It is also quite shocking how hard girls have become too, and how they speak to each other is actually incredibly abusive but dressed up as jokey. I don’t know about other areas in the world but in the UK this ‘ladette’ culture of swearing, sex and booze has become so normalised that it is reflected and even celebrated in many English comedy films (Bridget Jone’s Baby springs to mind), which promotes it yet further.
If we stopped imposing on children the way we think they should be and instead allow them to grow up to be who they really are -the world may just be more healthier, more joyful, more purposeful.
As adults it is our responsibility to honour and appreciate our own differences for it is then that we can offer a reflection to our young that can inspire them to break away from the illusion of conforming to something which is not of their true nature and align to that which is a natural way of being.