A class I recently taught was studying an English unit on Advertising, which looked at advertising of products for children.
I enjoy teaching advertising units because I find the children love learning about how words, images, colour and sounds can be used to influence their choices in food, toys and clothing. They find it empowering so I find it worthwhile. The study of advertising often highlights gender differences in the imagery presented to our children and so indicates how we differ in the way we raise our boys and our girls.
We had a great time discovering the influence of static ads and we had just moved onto online, multimedia ads, where the addition of sound effects and music lend considerable extra weight to the impact of advertisements.
Our first ad was a multi-media presentation by a well-known building block manufacturer, targetting mainly boys. The ad started out with very loud booming sounds and then proceeded with ‘the man with the very deep voice’ exhorting viewers to engage in a hero-like fashion in the narrative constructed around the product.
The change that came over the beautifully tender, sensitive little boys at this point was extreme. All, bar two of them, just about jumped out of their seats; they were agitated and their eyes became surreally bright. They began to converse animatedly with each other while the girls and I looked on, baffled by what was happening.
Seeing these beautifully tender little boys so agitated and so thoroughly changed in their demeanor, I could not continue with the lesson.
I decided to take a moment so that we could look at what had happened.
The boys re-seated themselves and I asked them what had happened for them during the ad. They were confused and so the girls shared what they had seen happening for the boys, noting that only one girl in the class had been similarly affected.
The boys then explained that they had become so animated because they have to fight evil and that evil is the enemy, the bad people and the dark forces. They agreed with each other that this is a ‘man’s job’, hence why the girls remained unaffected. Moreover, ‘everyone knows’ that this is the way it is, they explained.
I was incredulous at the depth of their feeling. I have been aware for many years that girls and boys are socialized in different ways and consequently, display different behaviours. I had no idea that one online ad for a toy could trigger such agitated behaviour and such incredibly, deeply held convictions as the ones I witnessed during that lesson.
Would it not be wise for us, as a society, to consider what is happening here?
Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?
Are we encouraging them to assume ‘manly traits’ like ‘fighting the enemy’ and ‘fighting evil’ and to respond on automatic pilot to situations that require the development and expression of these traits?
Would it be wiser to allow our boys to unfold their innate sensitivity at a completely natural pace?
Observing how these primary age children became so agitated when their beliefs were triggered, confirmed to me the logic, compassion and wisdom of looking more deeply at what is going on.
Like many schools, we are periodically visited by Legacy volunteers, who are often former serving personnel from the Armed Forces. Again, I have often been struck by the loveliness and genuine intention of these men to serve and protect their country. I have noticed how, even in retirement, they continue to serve as volunteers for Legacy, to provide financial and emotional support for the families of fallen comrades. As I observe these usually gentle men addressing our students, I often contemplate the beliefs they might have been raised under as boys. Did they feel they had to ‘fight the enemy’ at an early age because that’s what men do? Did anyone value their tenderness and encourage them to honour their sensitivity? What life path would they have chosen had this been so?
How much do we restrict the choices of our boys, and our men, by these recurring themes and patterns of fighting the enemy and evil?
How can we allow these beliefs about what it is to be a man to shut down their sensitive awareness at such a young age? How many men and boys perceive themselves to be warriors against evil, defenders of home and hearth?
Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?
Further Reading:
Men – Are We Set Up to Fail?
Good Parenting Skills
Stitched Up
“because that’s what men do” This is an imposition and does not allow men and boys to honour their natural sensitivity.
This is a brilliant topic of conversation because from what you and other children observed was the change in the bodies of some of the boys when music and commentary of the marketing advert was introduced into the lesson. This shows to me quite clearly that we are affected by sound as well as visual effects. It would be fascinating if there was a machine that could read someone’s past lives, because is it possible that the boys that were affected more had past lives in the military and this was being activated by watching the advert?
Attempted suicide rates are equally as high for women, it’s not just men wanting to end their lives from the way life is and how they are imposed upon to live all they are not. Women choose methods of suicide that are not as lethal as men so they have higher rates of not completing suicide, but they are trying to and in very high numbers. Both genders are suffering.
Girls lose their sensitivity too, but the societal moulding is different as we are herded towards being aware of and sensitive to others needs and doing everything for everyone, which diminishes any real sensitivity to ourselves and our own needs and nurturing, often resulting in low self worth and self neglect. Either way there is an imposition, both genders are moved away from their innate and natural inner essence (being) to the point that neither may have any awareness of their true inner self, and instead are fitting into a role, all to the enormous detriment of all of humanity.
When we develop a relationship with our essences, which is our Soul-full-ness, the “fight evil” process against the unseen forces is felt at every level of life as we know it and it is only when we keep our sensitivities that we can feel these evils for who they truly are.
This is powerful, we’re not only influencing our boys through colours and career indications, but through changing their psyche and enforcing the fact that it is their role to fight evil. Completely bastardising the meaning of that and through evil making them change who they are.
We have been taught that like a tattoo men are suppose to wear their protective role as super heroes, like we guardians of the universe and will fight at any cost and as has been shared this is physically abusive to our bodies, as much can be Truly done when we stay connected to our Soul-full-essences.
The power and strength in a man is in their tenderness and sensitivity and not in a hardened and tough body. Could it be that a man chooses to deny these qualities because of this power?
What a great learning for all present in your classroom that day and how truly shocking how quickly we can all be pulled away from our naturally tender selves through imposed ideals and beliefs about our roles in society which call for us to completely override our innate sensitivity.
What a great topic to study with your pupils, invaluable for them to see and feel how they can be influenced in the world, ‘I find the children love learning about how words, images, colour and sounds can be used to influence their choices in food, toys and clothing. ‘
We do need to take a moment and consider it because the outplay at the moment is so much pressure on boys and men to be a certain way that leaves no room for saying no and choosing to express in a ‘different’ way. This is going to take societal change.
The wisest way of fighting the enemy and evil is with love.
I love this Mary, it brings a big smile to my face, and is so true.
When we understand we all innately have a gorgeous essence but we disconnect from it and allow behaviours that are not true to our expression, we begin to realise there are no enemies just very hurt and at times deluded people living in separation to their innate love.
Interesting how we can impose the role of protector on young men and yet if they retain their own tenderness and self care they naturally are protecting and caring of others.
The whole thing about toughening up to be a real man goes so against the grain of our innate sensitivities. Is it no wonder then that men find it hard to talk about their feelings as we encourage non expression and validation of what is felt.
The imposing continues to impose until we stop and look at why are we imposing in the first place and what are we trying to squash or not feel by doing it.
What is so beautifully highlighted here is the difference between expressing innately versus learning a role in life that we need to be in order to be loved. If we are raised and supported to know that we are innately love there is no need to take roles on in order to get love through recognition.
Yes as a society we most certainly impose on boys, as to do we impose on young girls that also should be a certain way.
To date we have not learnt that life is about true expression not a contrived version that ends up leaving us all lesser.
The imposing manner we bring to both sexes starts at birth – what they need to be rather than allowing their true expression to be honoured.
There is nothing remotely logical about the way we raise men to be hard and tough and override their feelings. We all lose out by this but yet we still allow it to proliferate. There must be more to this than we realise, an unconscious choice we get something out of. Perhaps it is an excuse to make ourselves and our society less than the truth it ought to be? A perfect set up for an forever cunning, sly, cowardly immortal spirit that does not want to take an iota of responsibility for how it is wrecking human life.
It really does go to show how every aspect of our society, our current culture is geared up to pull men out of honouring their tenderness, it is constant bombardment of imagery of what a ‘man’ is meant to be, starting from a very young age. And so, this also highlights just how imperative it is for us, at every opportunity, to meet and confirm the tenderness within man and young boy, and that the power of who they are requires no fight but rather an allowing of who they are in essence to naturally be.
And in that we feel the true power of a man in his tenderness which also supports a woman to surrender to her sacredness. Could it also be that we impose on men to be tough, fight, be rough and hard so not to highlight and expose our true responsibility in the world?
We have to impose on boys. Otherwise they remain sensitive.
I would say with our current model of raising children we are in imposing on not just boys but also girls. our children are not allowed to be themselves.
If we continue down this same path we will only see more when these children meet adulthood more dissatisfaction, more ill mental health and more disharmony in relationships.
Just being and breathing us, communicates so much steadiness, wisdom and Love. There’s actually not much more we need to do to bring the beauty of the universe through. All the ideas and beliefs we have are just effective barricades to truth.
When we look at the boy in the photo above we cannot help but feel how utterly corrupt it is to not honour the sensitivity of men.
We honour the sensitivity of babies, boys and girls, so why and when do we feel to stop honouring their innate sensitivity when we know they are still sensitive?
The thing that gets me about advertising, is how they are often deliberately set up to hook children with their imposing energy, and yet, the people who work in advertising are just normal people, like you and me, and many of them I am sure have children of their own, are working to pay their bills and to live life as best they can. This to me does not show the mastermind workings of a devious industry, but rather a propensity on all our parts to ignore what is clearly not right or true in favour of what is comfortable and accepted.
I really appreciate this comment Shami because it shows how there must be more at play than meets the eye because otherwise, why would men in advertising promote that model???? Women work in advertising as well and do the same thing to women – so the big question is why?! (there are not enough ! or ? to express the level of confusion at the illogical nature of our behaviour!)
It is illogical when we take a step back and see the bigger picture at how ignoring an industry affects us all, but in the name of comfort and in the name of making a living we let slip what we should not.
Reading this blog sparked such a chord in me. I loved the space you held them in Anonymous. What a difference it made to express and nominate the truth of what was going on with themselves. Is it not honourable then, like Anonymous was, to be connected to your inner-stillness within and hold that to be you — knowing that is you before you connect to others. Connecting from this space allows another to be in that space also. This principle is the basis of all healing and proves the fact we either are connected or not, we either heal or harm — there is no in-between.
The greatest lessons are learnt in life when we see things next to pure love. A child is great like this as they are so obviously full of it and show so clearly when other energies come in. Let us let ourselves be more like this, to shine bright and have our dalliances exposed.
The words “be a man, ” conjures up a rough tough type of man, one that can battle the elements, plough through to the end, a far cry from who men truly are, sensitive, tender human beings, who are not afraid to show their true feelings, what a disservice we do to our young boys when these qualities are shunned and ridiculed, instead of being encouraged and nurtured.
We currently live in a poisonous soup of beliefs and ideals, all designed to distract from the truth. As long as we accept these false pictures as normal and ok we’ll miss out on the true gorgeousness that lives beneath.
This question is very important to ask: it is something we do not look at willingly in society, as mothers; as parents…”Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?” But why do we not look at it? It is obvious that we attempt to harden and toughen up our boys as they grow up – what purpose could it possibly serve? It is so important that as boys or girls we hold our sensitivity, care and gentleness.
I would love for us as a society to really unpack this more and look more at the ‘ideals and pictures’ that are fed to boys. To start to not just uncover it but to start to deconstruct this and find a true representation and role models that show the true qualities a boy holds.
I love how you are bringing awareness to the classroom in this way and that the children are finding empowerment in these simple exercises.
Yes, I agree, it is really great to bring this level of awareness and understanding to these children while at school.
My whole life I have been an advocate for men’s rights. I always thought that men weren’t treated fairly and sympathised deeply with the fact that men are not allowed to cry in our society. But the truth of the matter is, I have actually held the idea that men are to be the saviours of women as a value for my life to date and regardless of how much I preach about men’s rights, if I do not hold that understanding for myself I too am contributing to this stigma.
This article puts forward one of the deeply held beliefs that are used by our world to mould a boy to a man. If we take a moment to truly deeply feel the many other beliefs that are used alongside what is shared here it becomes very deeply sad to realize just how much effort has been put into destroying the true tender essence of men.
A man can be very tough and do what is necessary while keeping their sensitivity. Perhaps it is easier to control men when they have buried their sensitivity.
The fact that the producer of the ad knew how to make the ad to engender such an animated response, knowing this would push the children to ask their parents for the product shows, very clearly that this belief to protect is very deeply set in our belief systems, for both boys and girls. For while boys ‘do’ the protecting, girls expect to be protected. We need to look very seriously at what we encourage in our children. For each side of the coin prevents the true tender essence of both genders to be lived and strengthened in the process of growing up and living as vital, responsible, tender, solid and loving adults.
There are so many messages that boys get that are very forceful in the way they are designed to get boys to harden and deny their sensitivity. It is then not surprising that in our modern world mental health issues are escalating.
One of the worst things that we can do to men is deny their sensitivity. I literally watch men come alive within themselves when their sensitivity is allowed and cherished.
Yes, and they are great fun to be around then.
These restriction happen before they arrive. There are so many ideals and beliefs shared in the pregnancy stage.
Fighting the ‘enemy’ is fighting ourselves. What a game it is that we are tricked into thinking we are doing ‘good’ when we are simply perpetuating lies. To truly counter balance the dark forces these boys mention, all they need do is claim their Love for themselves and honour the beauty and preciousness they naturally have inside. This is like a dagger to the heart of jealousy, aggression and comparison.
We impose on both boys and girls when we don’t allow them to be who they truly are, and fuel them with false ideals and beliefs instead. We haven’t yet begun to feel not only the imposition this brings but also the abuse that comes with it.
As you say… Fascinating and incredibly revealing the reaction of the small boys to the advertising… And there is advertising everywhere… Every time we Google, Facebook, walk down the main street, it’s there all the time… How on earth you may ask is it possible for us to be who we truly are with such an onslaught of information and manipulation… Thank God for the Ancient Wisdom
This is a deeply needed article, our world is suffering, gravely so, due to the expectations, ideals and beliefs that are imposed upon our boys.
Can the tender boy listening to the booming voice withstand the pressure and if so, for how long?
This is the first time I’ve read this blog – and it’s stunning. You go a long way Anonymous towards showing how deeply laced our society is with these ideals and beliefs that keep us away from our essence. It’s time we stripped it all back and renounced these corruptions for the abuse that they are. Beautiful the way you helped these children feel the truth with their body.
I was recently observing what effects the media and advertising have on me. Living in a city there are many images being imposed on us daily in shop fronts, the massive digital and static billboards as well as on each bus stop. What I always get coming at me is the sex objectification of women. I never see what the true power of a women is in her stillness and nurturing ways. What is worse is actually seeing women dressed in this sexual way. My eyes are open to more and more of this, and I know they are images trying to take me away from my true feelings and attracting me to fantasize.
So many pictures we have, ideals and beliefs that we have grown up with….it is a great exercise to stop and consider how many of these may be running us. We have to free ourselves if we are to be free of imposing on our children and others. What a revealing exercise your insight inspired. Thank you for sharing.
The boy in the photo attached to this blog looks and feels so tender, sweet and gorgeous that it is obvious that treating this boy or any boy in fact as less than that would be and is abuse.
Yes that is a great question: do we raise our boys/men to become harsh and protected, fixed by ideals and beliefs, no longer trusting on their feelings but on images and expectations? Or do we choose another way : one of love and tenderness in its very practical but connected way? These are questions we need to ask.. Right now!
I worked in advertising, and I was very aware that the way we were communicating with men was way off. We take into advertising the insights of society, take them to the extreme and use it to sell things back to people. So how we have set up the world – to have gender differences and stereotypes, is amplified in advertising. It certainly is a point of reflection to ask what it is we are encouraging.
A revealing example of where children show us the harm imposed on them by stereotyping boys as needing to be tough and warriors to ‘fight the enemy’ .
Super cool that you were able to have the discussion with all the children and the girls were able to feed back what they had observed and the boys had the opportunity to explore the beliefs that they have taken on about the role that they are supposed to play in society. It is only when these evolutionary conversations become more common place that we will start to expose what is really going on in our society and just how much we are imposing on all children.
Great exposure of how manipulated we can be by advertising at any age and how awesome for the girls that they were able to witness the transformation and then discuss it afterwards.
Yes this is true education, learning from interacting and being in relationship with one another.
I love the fact that you had the girls express what they could see or feel happening to the boys in their class after watching the video. This must have been very empowering for them – an experience that will stay with them forever.
This is like a mini science experiment. It would appear that boys do not naturally like the type of advertising that is directed at them and it definitely showed that it does not foster their gentle natures.
Wow, these beliefs run very deep. In order for this to not take hold in the way that you describe we need more people who are aware of what happens when boys get taken over like this. The fact that you stopped everything and sat and talked about it is pure gold. Raising awareness around something that most people overlook is so important. Otherwise the energy and the boys are left to run wild.
It is terrible to consider the belief that men have to defend us, they have to fight and bring justice from evil. Not all men have that bent, not all men feel that pull. The world wars are a great example of how men were forced to do it and the toll it took on their mental and physical health. Some joined under-age because they thought it was their duty and didn’t want to be left behind but the reality was too much, they deserted, were found and shot. All before they should have been legally allowed to be there. I don’t believe those who were legally allowed are any different, they just learnt to hide it a little better – some of them anyway. We have to change our propensity for war, not change our men to be able to fight better.
No wonder we have higher suicide rates in men, men are basically told to suppress there female side as soon as they are born.
What struck me while reading this was the quality of conversation you had with the children. Allowing them to share their insights and feelings rather than talking at them. I am blown away when I have these types of conversations with children. They know far more than adults give them credit for.
Wow – what an incredible lesson and experiment. Boys are asked to leave their tender qualities behind and we then wonder why there are huge rates of male violence etc.
Fascinating to have such a clear insight into how media can manipulate… but it is no surprise.
It is so incredibly interesting to consider that the energy we are exposing our children to now is what will be perpetuated in the adult generations to come. So in effect we are creating our own future by influencing what our children experience now.
After the rattled responses in class of your boys to the advertisements you presented to them illustrates to me the importance of doing studies on how present day TV ads are actually affecting our children – and while the researchers are at it, it might be wise to include the short and long term effect of video games too.
How awesome it is to encourage awareness and observation in children at an early age and allow them to begin to discern what feels true to them.
It’s a very great point your share here. Do we alter the way we connect with children, dictated by what gender they are? I know I have and can feel just how imposing it is, not allowing the person, the being, the Soul within to be met as who they are, regardless of their age. How can we expect children to grow up and be themselves if we ourselves don’t allow, encourage and confirm this through the way we are with the children we meet?
It is so supportive and loving when we act on our impulse to express how we feel when changes occur within a group. It offers exploration to what has happened with an opportunity for everyone to express offering growth and evolution not only for ourselves but for everyone involved.
It ‘s great you were able to observe this and allow the children discuss this and at some level get an understanding that perhaps this is not the way.
The sad part is that there are lots of teachers that would have gone alone with what was happening and encouraged the process. Thank you.
This is the kind of education we need in schools – an exploration into how the world is designed at times to throw us off or produce a certain reaction or behaviour in us and how we can stay steady and not get swayed by these external influences.
There are so many pictures, images and ideals that are placed on men and boys from almost the word go and these are getting placed on them at younger and younger ages at a greater intensity thanks to modern technology and its influence. Whilst we generally think of modern technology as bringing much benefit, if we are not wise in how we use it, it can equally offer much harm.
I was having a conversation recently with someone about whose partner rarely shares what is going on for him, and how he is a ‘man of few words’ and we got into the subject about how our young boys are not raised in a way that supports them to express their tenderness and sensitivity. I agree that we need to look at how our young boys are being raised.
“How much do we restrict the choices of our boys, and our men, by these recurring themes and patterns of fighting the enemy and evil?” Raising boys with tenderness and sensitivity, supporting them to retain those qualities rather than teaching them to ‘man up,’ would surely result in a different manifestation of manhood.
And for so many children these old karmic battles are re-enacted on screens all around them
We are all deeply sensitive beings and the difference is that as children we tend demonstrate and play out what we feel and as adults we tend to bury those feelings in order to present a facade of what we think we need to be which is deeply ingrained by society and the media. This is something that needs to be discussed and in need of change as the consequences of these impositions on children are becoming more serious with time, it is only through love and respect of our differences that we will once again live in connection to the tenderness and delicateness within,
Watching the effect of the advertising on these young boys make it clear how much pressure we put them under to fit into the mould of belligerence, fight and warfare. As a society, we are committing a crime if the truth be told.
Oh my goodness that photo is beyond gorgeous… what a delightful boy and what a travesty that this innocence, openness and pure delight is ever asked to not show itself. And how lovely to know it is there in each and every man, regardless to what extent he has locked it away for the sake of fitting into a society that does not acknowledge the qualities of who he truly is.
So much of what we feel remains unexpressed and this is certainly clear from reading this blog. We all know and are aware of so much but it is like the unsaid things are the unspoken language of messages and emotions. We communicate, react and respond to life on a deeper level than purely on the surface of day to day physical life and this is significant in our raising of our children.
The word allowing comes to mind when reading your article, in my growing up with my brothers they were not allowed to show tenderness, or sensitivity and if they did cry they were told to wipe away the tears and don’t be a sissy, girls only cry, this rejection of their own innate tenderness and sensitivity at such a young age creates the world of hardness anger and the domestic violence that is so prevalent in our society today, what a blessing it is that some men are coming to understand and reclaim these beautiful qualities and reflect them back to the world.
The world so needs to address what you have shared here and to bring focus to appreciating and celebrating those innate qualities of tenderness and sensitivity each young boy brings into the world. That is true power.
Fabulous, on-the-ground insights, thank you Anonymous. I agree, advertising propaganda is no different to war propaganda when it comes to inciting men and boys to ‘fight evil’, be it in play or on the battlefield. There is definitely a consciousness at work here, deliberately tapped into and fostered by the forces that have vested interests in us behaving in certain ways. The interesting thing is, there’s also a grain of truth here. Evil does exist in our world and we all know it’s not something we want to encourage – and it is perhaps this to which our men and boys (and the occasional girl or woman) wants to respond. ‘Fighting’ evil however does not necessarily mean picking up a pitchfork and doing so-called manly things. The greatest weapon against evil is love – developing love in ourselves, for others, for our predicament and serving, gently and with wisdom from there. How beautiful Anonymous that you asked the children to examine what had just happened. What a lesson in the power of love and its ability to knock evil out of the park.
Great questions you raise anonymous. It made me realise too that as girls we are conditioned to play it small and let ourselves be rescued by the boys. We can give our power away so easily so young.
If as a society we were to recognise that our boys, and for that matter our men, are tender beings, then the whole of society would need to change.
There is so much conditioning that happens to boys and girls. It is great that this type of education is happening so that we allow children to express what they are aware of.
This is a striking and somewhat unsettling example of how boys are being conditioned to be hard and tough in a world that does not allow the space for them to be the tender and sensitive beings that they are, and from such a young age. We need more teachers like you Anonymous asking these questions, and getting boys (and girls) to be open about what and how they think they should be along with how they really feel about how they are being told they ‘should’ be.
It’s quite obvious from your talks with these boys that they know exactly how they are affected by these ideals, beliefs and stereotyping from the outside world as they speak of changing within themselves. This makes for a great starting point for talking about what they changed from and how that felt to move away from something they naturally are first.
In working with lots of boys, there is also a common behaviour that many can go to when they are upset, of not expressing this but bottling it up and then releasing it in bursts of anger. I heard some boys say recently that they needed more role models who would share how they feel with them so that it makes it more safe and normal for them to do the same.
The fact that anyone need take the role of a fighter or soldier in this world speaks of how far from a truly unified and loving global community we are living. The casualties in terms not only of physicality, but mental and psychological distress are beyond our measuring.
And yet, what if the key is to honour the innate sensitivity of all? To restore a depth of natural respect and decency with our fellow brothers, so much so, that the slightest aggression or suggestion that one ‘toughen up’ be completely out of place?
Clearly, we have a long, long way to go. And wars at times need to be fought in order to deal with forces that cannot be allowed the reign they desire (such as what was enacting through the third reich…). Yet we must never, ever forget the sensitivity of the being that lays beneath any such activity, and do all that we can to restore it to its rightfully lived place in our world once again.
The response of these young boys clearly speaks of the bombardment they are constantly under. To say that the pressure on boys and men to not be truly sensitive and honour what they feel is intense, is an understatement.
How would our world be, if we saw all as equal beings first and foremost, and were willing to bring awareness to the grave impositions we have placed upon each sex…
That humanity can be manipulated is beyond doubt, how long it takes to empower itself so that collectively we can no longer be manipulated is now the ultimate question
Hugely important topic. Just the other day I was having a conversation with a friend about her 1 year old. They were already considering high school options and was completely overwhelmed by which school to choose. So fearful that the choice will either support or destroy the child’s life. But why do we even think that way? The fact that this would happen to many if not most parents is outrageous. We are completely aware of the imposition we place on our children to ‘look the part’. Girls be smart, boys be tough. If we’re all feeling this, then what are we doing to change things?
I have a few friends in the education system and they are certainly stepping up and addressing all these concerns which is awesome!
A beautiful example of how children in a class can teach the teacher so much about how we treat each other.
The sensitivity in our boys becoming men needs to be celebrated and marked in the understanding of children in the early years. Raising children there is so much emphasis in the rough and tumble play and the idea that all boys are naturally rough. My experience has been far from this truth and I have witnessed boys playing roles to fit in and be liked when their natural way of being is so different. A blog like this is a timely reminder that as parents we know this sensitivity in the home and there is an opportunity to embrace this in the wider community.
The external images we are met with are relentless. Observing how and why we can change and be affected by them helps us to see that they are never us and we are never them.
There is so much advertising that is marketed for our young men everywhere you go. I recently went to a print shop to have some work printed and found it interesting that the images of young girls and women celebrated their inner beauty yet this was a far cry for the images of the boys and men. Depicting army style commando, muscle lead games. A vast difference to the amazing men I have in my life.
One of the key points to consider may be that sensitivity and openness are actually sources of strength, while hardness makes you numb and very vulnerable as your awareness goes down.
There is a huge responsibility for all of us to live more of the sensitive and gentle nature that we all are in order to offer a true reflection to our young boys. A reflection free from any impositions and unreal expectations of responsibility and image we have become so indentified with and instead full of the tender love within us all.
“Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?” Absolutely yes! It comes as a complete revelation to the boys in my class that it’s ok to be sensitive and not only that but accept their own sensitivity. They find it challenging to express what they are feeling because we role model to them so early to toughen up.
“Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?” Great question and for me from observing the raising of boys around me, there’s only one answer and that is, yes. And this was confirmed a while ago when an eight year old girl I know well said to her slightly older brother that he was trying to be a ‘man’. When I asked her what being a man meant to her she replied; “someone who’s tough and macho”, showing ever so clearly that at eight she was already programmed to have beliefs around what a man should be; so not only are our boys being raised to be the opposite of who they truly are, our girls are accepting this to be true as well.
Whilst every child is unique in how you raise them, boys seem to have far too many restrictions on them when it comes to what they are allowed to like or enjoy without being perceived as ‘gay’. I am not homophobic, in fact I celebrate all loving relationships no matter the gender. I just find it interesting that girls are free be into anything, trucks, makeup, anything they like but if boys don’t fit the typical mould they are accused of batting for the other side? Doesn’t make any sense really.
The tenderness and sensitivity of a man is the same as that of a woman.
“Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?” Yes we do, I have noticed that so many men have been imposed with ideals and beliefs that they feel they are obliged to be a specific way especially in the culture I have been brought up in, that men have to be the son that looks after everyone especially his parents and sacrifices his own family life to ensure he is seen as the good son. It is crazy how when they are little boys it is ingrained in them that its their responsibility no matter what to look after their parents.
Anonymous i was glued to every word you shared here, this subject is invaluable, how our boys are influenced to be a certain way, how it becomes integrated into their bodies and when triggered they move their body in this way to fight to be the protector, what a burden to have to carry. To carry this burden is to shut down on their qualities of tenderness and sensitivity. It feels very brutal. as you say, what would their choices have been if they were nurtured to be who they are, their tenderness and sensitivity.
The levels of sensitivity that I have noticed in raising boys over the years has often left me realising how delicate and precious they truly are. There are so many ideals and beliefs in how we should raise our boys and this is far from what is acceptable as the norm in our society. When we speak up and engage in conversation where we comment on how sensitive they are, loving and deeply caring they can be with their siblings, parents, adults and school friends it is interesting to note that other parents feel the same. Why is it that this is still considered a taboo subject to share aloud?
Boys are super super sensitive I know from the youngsters around me that they are just as sensitive as their sisters. It is cruel that as a society we start to mould boys into the images we think they should be rather then allowing them to just be the delicate souls they are.
What a powerful example of what beliefs and ideals do to us physically and energetically. We literally get configured in a way that is very harming for ourselves and those around us. This is something that psychology needs to understand.
This is a deeply touching article as it carries the care and tenderness it is talking about. The care and tenderness we all deserve and can feel deep within us but which has been made into a defending and standing guard. Thank you Anonymous for bringing this to the fore and letting us feel what it means to be truly caring.
‘Would it be wiser to allow our boys to unfold their innate sensitivity at a completely natural pace?’ Absolutely I have watched many parents try to get their boys to toughen up, especially when they cry they get told real men don’t cry, and when dads have playful fights with them you can see it’s going to end in tears, but what if we allowed and encourage boys to feel their sensitivity, it is lovely to meet a man who is connected to his sensitivity as there is a great power to be felt from a man who knows his truth.
“Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?” A resounding yes to this question Anonymous. We as a society are doing our boys such a disservice by the ideals and beliefs we are imposing on them; certainly time to relook at how we are educating our boys.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, your knowledge and your wisdom.
This is a great sharing and a conversation that is very needed in our society of the way our boys are being educated and raised on what it is to be a man, the current statistics of men’s suicide says it all about the way we are raising our boys is not working and needs to change. More and more role models are needed in our society who reflect that to be a man is to embrace and welcome the delicateness and tenderness within our bodies and that it is safe to let go of the expectations placed on gender roles as there is no truth in that whatsoever.
Wow it’s amazing how they felt the energy of the ad and immediately jumped into it, it goes to show how nothing is as innocent as we think it is, and we are constantly being imposed upon the whole time.
Such a great article and a conversation that is very much needed in a society that tells men to toughen up and be strong, all the while denying their sensitivity and tenderness. With these pressures put on small boys they grow up shutting down to their true feelings and becoming what they think the world needs them to be – I totally agree there is a different way to raise and support boys that allows them to honour their feelings and stay tender and gentle.
One of the hooks we have in society today is that unless our boys are heavily engaged with the digital world of gaming, then they are not having a good childhood. If a boy cannot keep up with his school mates about the latest games, then he experiences isolation which is tough at any age. It is so hard for parents now to navigate through this, because many of us who are parents now did not have gaming devices when we were young and did not grow up with the culture of it, and so this can feel like unchartered territory. Many other parents I speak with feel completely disempowered against the backdrop of the gaming world that has taken over our children, mostly because of the social pressure that expects them to be gaming masters at such a young age, and it is hard if not heart-breaking to watch a precious delicate boy become immersed and lost in a fantasy world of violence and aggression.
The imposition of what it is to be a boy becoming a man is deeply set, and I would say deeply harming. On any day of the week I hear subtle yet clear messages about what is expected of men, this might be in response to the pain, the requirement to show physical strength or in the reactions to a situation. Men are not expected to feel pain, must be physically capable and it is not accepted for a man to cry in public. Yet who makes these rules and why are we so bound to them. It is clear what went on in the classroom with these boys is like a hook that is attached into these boys and is drawing them to behave almost robotically. Yet none of this foster individuality, which is what we must cherish in every child and adult, the fact we are unique and have very different characteristics, regardless of gender.
There is so much pressure we put onto little boys, to be a certain way, to grow up and be tough, not show their true feelings. We indoctrinate that into them, they are not born being violent, racist, abusive or non caring. These traits are developed over time, but what a difference it was make in our society, it little boys were allowed to stay the deeply caring and tender beings they are. Wouldn’t society look and feel a whole lot different.
These are very needed questions that we as society must ask. The answer is always into ourselves. When we connect with our claresentience there’s no doubt of what is being promoted through advertisements and all the imagery stimulation that comes from TV, internet, games, etc. For me it has been very important restoring trust in what I feel through my body. This is what allows me each time, to read and discern what is pushing me instead of respecting my essence.
It is clear that young boys are all gentle and sensitive and that it is a conditioning that causes them to leave this way of being. As a sensitive gentle man I have experienced how strong it is even in me that boys are able to be tough and put on a show of strength. I can feel it makes me uncomfortable when they are not, perhaps because I did not receive this level of accepting of my sensitivity at school and all around. Yet I know that we must encourage boys to be playfully gentle and stop creating this masculine image for them to follow. I do feel the world is changing somewhat in this regard, but there is much work to be done to encourage boys to retain their tenderness, as we need more, not less of this in the world everyday.
Thank you Anonymous for your expose on raising boys. Having worked in the Education system for many years there is no doubt that societies, schools and families expectations, ideals and beliefs as to how boys and men should behave is extremely damaging and debilitating; to the males and all around them. Calling these attitudes and behaviours out will gradually bring about change.
The writer is really hitting a nerve here… I know that, coming from a background of martial arts/protection service,, military service, even when I had found that the only true protection was the connection within, it took many years to unravel all the tendrils that had wrapped themselves around me and within me, the underlying anxiousness and tension that come from being involved in these businesses, and how one takes this tension for granted, and of course the effect, the ongoing effect that it has upon our body.
So true. We do need to reconsider. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is a great indicator of how alien it is to harm another person, to witness harm to another, it is not something that is easier to witness or do simply because of your gender. The tenderness and sensitivity of a man is no different to that of a woman and although it seems undervalued in both, in a man, it seems unacceptable for it to be championed and so there can be a concerted effort to confuse the ability to observe what happens in life with resilience and toughening up to not actually care. This is a learnt behaviour which results in permission given to allow abuse on so many levels.
There are so many ideals and beliefs that govern much of the parenting in our current world and society. There are multiple ways that we condition our children and our selves in order to manage how we are in the world. We end up playing roles that may be completely different to what our body is actually designed to do. What I find interesting in your sharing is how the boys responded as well as how the girls responded. This is very telling as to how ingrained these things can be for us already as children.
Reading this story a word came to mind. Separation. When we separate from self you have two sides – no longer harmony(as one). When there is two there may be peace at best, war at its worst. Is this not the foundation of war, competitions, sports, contests. Even the breakdown of our communities and our own health.
Absolutely Amina, I agree, to honour our sensitivity and tenderness is a rare thing, and thanks to the presentation by Serge Benhayon more men are reclaiming their true power by reconnecting to the inner-most.
For more on Serge Benhayon or another perspective go to;
http://www.unimedliving.com/search?keyword=SERGE+BENHAYON
Gorgeous blog, sharing so clearly the effects of advertising and the beliefs we are being raised with. It is great to expose this, and start to see that this is actually not the way we want men to be, and in truth they are not that. I feel it is based on a whole belief in society, that has been there for ages that is continuously coming back in every generation.
If we are imposing on to boys from very young about who they are supposed to be, then this would explain why the age range for illness and disease in men is getting wider and wider, because surely this imposition is unsustainable for the human body which has to somehow deal with a contraction of the tender person it was born to hold.
Absolutely Shami, influencing men away from expressing their true sensitivity and tenderness from a very young age directly effects their health as they grow up with these continued choices and this correlates directly with the dramatic increase in prostate conditions in men.
Absolutely Michael, increase of prostate conditions in men makes so much sense when you take into account how we have lost our true power, which comes from us not holding onto our true tenderness and sensitivity!
At a very young age boys seem to be indoctrinated into the role of the protector, saviour of the world and the one in charge. This is quite a heavy load for a young boy to feel he has to carry, this then leads on into relationship with women that are unequal. This causes much conflict I feel, as they share a relationship quite often that sees the man wanting to control, that may then lead into frustration and abuse if the partner is not compliant. This is not the mans fault its what he has been taught by other men, and sometimes women, “don’t cry like a girl” “don’t be a sissy” “men are tough “. We need to let our boys be gentle and caring and lovable, because they really are!
Thank you Annon, it is great to give a voice and expose how we can be influenced and affected by false ideals and beliefs from a very early age. It is important we expose these pictures and support children, and all of us to re-connect to ourselves and how we truly feel.
Thank you Anonymous for a really great article, it seems to be normal in society to raise boys to be tough, to not show feelings, to be the defenders of the family, this then gives the false sense of being strong, instead of developing the true qualities and strength of being caring, loving, and tender, which are innate in every man.
I’d say that we men need to reclaim what it’s like to be a man and not let those beliefs get the better hand. They are just beliefs which means I can make a free choice at any given moment. Now I get that they are deeply embedded and affecting us at levels we might not be aware of but at least we can work from the level we are at and then slowly dig our way through. And we men need to be reminded that we are very tender beings – not rough at all, delicate – not hard, sensitive – not shut down. We need to open up these qualities within us or we’ll suffocate.
Matts, this is a great point because even though these external pressures exist, we all still hold the ultimate responsibility for what we choose to be in the make-up of who we are and of what we express to each other each and every day.
Each boy feels their own natural tenderness and the men around him teach him to shut it down, it is horrible and unnatural but everybody is doing it. These once tender boys grow up not knowing themselves and make themselves hard. The next generation feels their tenderness unwanted and the hardness accepted. The destructive cycle is perpetuated like a contagious disease in our society.
Our young boys would be greatly supported by role models with your understanding Bernard so we can begin to break this cycle. It is up to all of us to nurture the natural tenderness in our young.
Pretty much in a nutshell Bernard, but we are all responsible women included in how we raise our sons and how we women have bought into that a man should be hard and tough and never show his feelings. We have all played a part in this destructive cycle and as such we all have a part to turn this around and allow space for boys to express their natural tenderness and joy.
We are imposing on our boys – true – but they are not just imposed upon by “society” but by the very men who by virtue of the way they choose to live ensure that the culture of hardened men continues to inspire another generation of boys to remain shut down to their true nature.
True and we have to also include the women here because they are also carrying images of what they think a man should be like.
Yes it is our equal responsibility, both men and women to honestly look at what we have subscribed to that is not true.
“Would it not be wise for us, as a society, to consider what is happening here?” A great question and one that should be asked in all areas of life.
The world of images is not true. Yet, it invites us to adhere to it. Sooner or later, we end up adhering to a specific set of images to the point that our conflicts are in great part over the images we choose.
Advertisement is an important social tool used to construct a view of what is considered as normal. Given that we act on what consider normal, what gets considered as such is of great importance.
So I’d say let’s shape the ‘new normal’ of what a man can be like Eduardo. I know there are lots of men that in their bodies can feel that the way they are, the way they behave, the way they relate is not truly true. That just behind the mask we carry lays a very loving, caring, tender man. That is our true normal!
I love that Anonymous stopped and didn’t continue with the lesson but decided to take a moment to reflect on what had happened. Having moments in my day to reflect upon, I create a space to learn, to look at what has happened so that next time round I can make different choices.
There are some great questions in this blog, one of them being “Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?” It certainly has stopped me to ponder on the areas where I am allowing these false beliefs and ideals to impose not only on my two boys but also on my nine year old girl while I raise them. Thank you Anonymous for sharing more awareness on the impact the advertising industry is having on our boys and the knock on effect this is having on us as adults.
It seems like there is more at stake here as to why men are needed to be raised with this image of what it’s like to be a man. What if a boy was just allowed to grow up unhindered in the way he would naturally unfold, wouldn’t we have a completely different society. Men are innately super tender and precious in all ways but if you restrict this from growing from a young age then the man has to cope in whatever way he sees fit and we just have to look at the statistics to see that that doesn’t work. So the question is, who gains from men being rough and tough? Who’s behind controlling the lay out of what a man should be like? Could it be that that matters less than us being more aware of how we are reproducing that crippling image and now giving men the room to be what we all know they can be, delicate, warm, sensitive… let that be the new ‘Man Up’
The image of what a man should look like and act determines how a man is raised. What is interesting to me is that the mainstream views are not questioned. What gets challenged are those that deviate away from it.
Yet I’d say that if I truly claim myself as who I am with all my delicious qualities then I’m pretty hard to resist…
This just goes to show the influence of what is watched by children on their perception of the world but also of themselves. In effect such things are harming children and young people in this way.
We have to realise the extent of the influence on our children of how we see the world. What we see is not just what we see, it is also what we would like them to see.
Both boys and girls get imposed upon from a very young age. I have had this discussion with people before who are adamant that boys and girls are behaviourally different from a very young age, and I have also experience this to be so. But if we considered reincarnation, then perhaps the old nature versus nurture argument would be seen in a different light.
This is a much needed topic that you have brought up for discussion, society on a whole does not encourage males to honour their sensitivity or tenderness and we just have to look at the end result of this. If we are to look at the statistics, gang violence, domestic violence and general aggression is at alarming levels and mainly perpetrated by males. The poiints presented in this article have to be seriously looked at
I was at a swimming pool just the other day, watching a father and his two sons. He was trying to get them to swim, and one of the boys was in tears – he didn’t want to be let go of and it was obvious he was very scared and distressed and yet the dad was telling him to toughen up, to stop being a baby and you could see the physical effort the boy went through to push down his fear and try to swim. And yet we wonder why we have men that grow up and seem to not have feelings, champion not crying and see nothing wrong in it. Because as a young boy they may have experienced something similar, where the way they felt wasn’t listened to and was made to feel like it didn’t matter.
To have this understanding ‘… as a young boy they may have experienced something similar, where the way they felt wasn’t listened to and was made to feel like it didn’t matter’- when we come across an incident where the man is toughening up the little boy is so supporting for every one concerned as then we are less likely to react to the situation and express from a place of love.
The role models we are presented with as boys tend not to be the gentle and tender types, its more the rugged athlete, and competition seems to be built into us. I remember doing some pretty horrible things on a rugby field, that I am far from proud of, but were championed at the time. A world where tenderness is revered would be a wonderful place to live.
If humanity begun to truly consider the immediate and long-term impact of advertising on the choices we make, the way we behave and the way we move the advertising industry would be shut down over night. It’s amazing to see such an instant response in young boys and to consider what the long-term impact this is for them in the way they behave with friends, in family and with partners in the future. It’s the same for young women who think we need to be a princess and marry a prince charming and have a pretty little girl and a pretty little boy and be a busy mum in a picture perfect house. It’s all very harmful and oneway the truth will stop this industry, maybe not for many years yet.
“Did anyone value their tenderness and encourage them to honour their sensitivity? ” I am sure many people would say they do value the tenderness of these boys but the fact paint a very different picture. Over the years what seems to have happened is whilst in the UK their are less “direct” wars their is certainly now more pressure to achieve a fit a multifaceted picture of perfection, of success. It seems to me that the quality of tenderness is considered second to grades, results and “manning up” if its even considered a quality at all.
Having been brought up in a military family what has always stood out for me is how the men I have known even when retired still consider themselves as soldiers, they never seem to leave that life behind. There is maybe an attachment or identification to the army life, but even if they don’t tell you straight away you can always tell some how that they are ex-military. There is something about them that I can’t quite put my finger on – it’s as though they have been changed in some way and you can sense it.
My father who served 24 years in the army told me that the military would recruit young men because they were impressionable and were more likely to follow orders – you can kind of see how they hold onto what they have been taught and the bond they would form with others, when it is required for them to change to such an extent in order to follow out orders.
When I was 17 there was some talk of the boys I knew needing to join the army and our general consensus was that that would be horrible because all the boys we knew were sensitive and lovely. We have been so lucky that this whole generation of men have been able to live without the need to fight and protect us. Now it is hard to buy anything for boys that is not about war and fighting. Even sport is about fighting and winning. So many things aimed at boys…imposed on boys are violent and loveless. What are they being prepared for?
It seems there is a lot of pressure put on our children to perform and to be someone, boys who are naturally very tender and sensitive are told to man up and conform to societies standards yet these standards have never done any true good and leaves many men living a life that is missing out on the full glory of them.
As women we do know how it feels when men turn off their sensitivity and be hard, behaviour that comes from this is actually abusive but heralded in the world as “cool”, “macho”, “bad boy”, these stereotypes of men being hard and distant to themselves and to others are sold to us on the big screen and popular culture to be how the “real” man should be. This is so wrong on so many levels—because we take something pure and beautiful, and true for all males at birth, their tenderness, and imposed a quality, hardness, which is learned and conditioned, and then made what is not true to be a general truth for how men should be. This not only causes men to follow a picture which is not true to begin with, separates men into comparison, it also calls for women to accept abuse in future relationships with men. Living away from the true essence from our ourselves is an abuse to ourselves and to all others we meet.
Well said Adele, I agree, ‘As women we do know how it feels when men turn off their sensitivity and be hard,…’ and I have come to recognise how this feels in my body. It is indeed abuse and it is my responsibility to say ‘No’ to this abuse on many different levels.
We can give the best support to our children in being the reflection of love to them. This means that the unconditional love we have for ourselves in every moment and situation will inspire them to allow the same. It always starts with ourselves.
As a parent I can vouch for how hard it is to go against these societal impositions as the force of advertising, peer pressure and family is very strong when it comes to what toys boys have and how they play. As a parent it is hard for your child to be “different” to other boys. However I feel there is a way to nurture a boy’s sensitivity and tenderness even with these toys and that comes from the energy of the parent and their expectations. If I want my son to be “tough” this will come through in my parenting but if I value sensitivity and tenderness my sons will feel this regardless of the toys they have.
Anne what I love about your sharing is that you can see its about the quality and care you have for yourself and how you are when you parent rather than putting the blame on something else that is out of your control. When the articles talks about “Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?” the answer is most probably yes – that was my experience and what I saw in all my class mates. Yet all the boys were equally tender and sensitive. Rather than raising boys to defend themselves against the world it would be very interesting to see what happens when we raise them to be all they naturally are, fully tender and keeping their sensitivity.
Yes – what you have expressed is the sad fact that we are destroying the tender boy from the moment that we make doing, achievement, duty, honour and recognition more important than allowing that boy just to be and to love him for being who he is and not what he is meant to be – and this is all done in the good name of education. This is not to denigrate advertising because the lesson only highlighted a systemic problem with how we bring up our children and perhaps we shouldn’t have such lessons in the first place? But that’s another discussion.
It is beautiful to meet boys and men that do not hide their natural tenderness and sensitive expression. It makes my heart melt and supports me to allow my own tenderness to be felt and expressed in such a hardened world.
I absolutely agree Annie, ‘It is beautiful to meet boys and men that do not hide their natural tenderness and sensitive expression. It makes my heart melt and supports me to allow my own tenderness to be felt and expressed in such a hardened world.’ It is so lovely to meet gentle men and boys, i have the pleasure of working in a school with young boys who have not yet hardened up, their sweetness and tenderness is so gorgeous and feels very natural, I can feel how there is huge pressure from all around them to stop being sensitive and to toughen up like the older boys.
Anonymous – I agree totally that more discussion is needed around how we are raising boys. The stereotype casting is very prevalent and gives children of both sexes little time to just be themselves and to blossom in whatever way is their natural way. It’s no wonder that adults have totally lost touch with tenderness and gentleness within themselves when it has been so widely clamped down on as they were growing up.
The tenderness is the key to more loving relationships. I agree with you Helen and children need time to express and expose themselves, but how can they grow this awareness when they have all the sports events, swimming classes after school, the guitar lesson, kung fu, always something besides school, kids learn stress in early ages.
Recently I saw two boys walking down the street together, and they were ‘play-fighting’ or ‘rough-housing’ with eachother. And what I saw was how that is what is expected of boys to do, to beat eachother up whenever the mood takes them. Could it be that in letting boys have the freedom to beat eachother up is actually imposing on to them a belief that boys are supposed to be rough and hard with themselves? And to dis-allow this kind of behaviour is actually not imposing control upon them, but is setting them free to be who they are?
Thank yo Anon huge questions that raise many issues and that all of us can benefit from pondering on – ‘Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?
Are we encouraging them to assume ‘manly traits’ like ‘fighting the enemy’ and ‘fighting evil’ and to respond on automatic pilot to situations that require the development and expression of these traits?
Would it be wiser to allow our boys to unfold their innate sensitivity at a completely natural pace?’
So true Jenny, it would be wiser and it is all coming back to us. Allowing the natural pace and space is always the way to go.
This article has really opened my eyes to the consequences of dishonouring the tenderness and sensitivity of men.
If I as a woman choose to go into manipulation to get what I want I am realising that it is a high price to pay, in terms of the damage it can do my relationship with men it ultimately drives them away and shuts them down, leaving us feeling alone and isolated they very thing we don’t want.
So true Nicole, it is the game. Manipulations from both men and from women is what we call a relationship. Stopping this game is saying no to comfort and bringing up the truth, what is sometimes confronting, but it can clear many layers from the hurts of lived unhappy relationships. I do welcome all what I know is helping to grow a true relationship.
“Did anyone value their tenderness and encourage them to honour their sensitivity?”. My sensitivity was only first encouraged when I attended a Universal Medicine course. I was 30 years old. It was confirming to hear that men are just as sensitive as women if not more sensitive. I was able to let go of my guard initially and allow more of this natural quality to be there. I realised I was not a ‘misfit’ because of how much I felt. I learnt to understand this as a strength and began to understand the power in it.
My young son has just finished kindergarten. and I have been saddened by what I have seen within he playground of children at the age of 3 and 4. Most days the boys were playing fighting, shooting and killing games. It seemed that that was all they wanted to play. My son has never seen or played these games before so it was quite an interesting time to see him mingle. He mainly played with the girls.
It’s pretty shocking isn’t it Heidi. When my daughter was five she came home from school singing the words to a song “I’m sexy”. I found out that the school had played some ‘pop’ music during sports day and it was quite a sing-a-long for all the girls. Not an ounce of considering that this is inappropriate for 5 year olds to be singing.
It is shocking how careless some teachers are in this sense, without responsibility. The toy industry is using this sexy behaviour to feed the girls the need to look great and sexy for men.
I similarly noticed an advertisment for the armed forces the other day advertising to women to enter saying that they could do and be anything they wanted to do within the army or air force etc. The ad amazed me as it looked so enticing and even showed women having children etc, which felt like it really took away from what they were actually asking of the women if they were to join.
Thank you for raising so many important question “How much do we restrict the choices of our boys, and our men, by these recurring themes and patterns of fighting the enemy and evil?
Working as a nanny for some years. In the last family i looked after a boy of 4 years. He was obsessed about star wars and playing with this cards, toys a lot of the day. Star wars is about fighting the evil (there where the good ones and the evil ones). That is exactly what our boys get offered i was not aware of the effect it has on them.
Yes Janina, our boys have not many other options with toys and games, it is all about racing to be the best, and fighting against evil, what a pressure this gives from young age already. If boys play dressing up or with dolls they get laughed at, for being girlie and weak. A boy has to be strong and harden up. What a lie this is – it must be so terrible for them to put up this tuff guy mask all the time and later as a man at work.
As children, boys are just as much likely to cry and show their feelings as young girls. They are no different from each other in this respect. Its interesting to see how, as boys grow, this natural response to show their feeling diminishes and for them to harden their bodies. This certainly comes about by being impressed upon by society and advertising of how they think they should be or act.
Reading this blog anonymous I felt great sadness of how hard and ready for war we are creating boys to be at such a young age. Creating it to be the norm for them and never giving an option for their tender side to become the normal.
I know that as a young boy I would change the way I would play according to who I was with. At home I was a lot more gentle but at school I would join in with the others boys as if to prove that I could keep up with them or prove my manliness at such an early age.
It was just there for me that this is what I have to do as a boy to become a man. Football for example. I wanted to play guitar but that would not have proven how tough I can be so I played football until the tackles and the men got too big and I couldn’t keep up without really putting my body on the line with the potential of really getting hurt.
I have recently questioned the fact that if I distrust one man, am I not carrying around this distrust and imposing it on to all men? And, furthermore, am I not also imposing this on to boys, because after all, are boys not just men in little bodies? Why would we differentiate between them? I wonder if it has to do with control. But is this control the very thing that is causing so many boys to grow up in to men who know so well how to behave in a abusive manner? Who is therefore responsible for raising our gentle-men? Is it the boys themselves, or is it the adults who impose or not impose upon them?
The true tenderness and sensitivity of boys is to be honoured in our society and this would change so much for us all. In the hiding of this the barriers they have to put up is extreme and causes so much harm and suffering to everyone. It is also the cause of so many young men not coping with life and opting out in some way or another hiding from life and not being able to be and cope in the world. Simply being raised to be the love we are and honoured in our sensitivity and expression would change the world amazingly.
Misinterpretation of the strength men have and carry is so evident in our society. Here we have gorgeous tender beings that are being told from very young how to be or conduct themselves in life. Much like for women there are so many ideals and beliefs governing how boys are raised, we would be startled if we realised how much this is affecting them. Why else would a young boy choose to go and ingest protein powders and work out at the gym non-stop, if not to fit an image of what a ‘tough man’ should look and feel like. Instead men can be shown a way of living that is equally strong and supportive of their tenderness. Their sensitivity does not need to be ‘left at the door’ so to speak, but can stay with them all through life. I see many men confused about how to be in the world with their sensitivity, and it is clear more support is needed in this.
The reactions from both the boys and girls is exactly what advertising is aimed at to provoke. It is a game of numbers and how many people can be influenced and controlled if they use the psychology that many are not discerning or aware of what is going on behind the scene.
There are many government initiatives to combat crime and domestic violence etc. But they are all designed to fix the problem after it has happened. There are very few initiatives that really work towards making the change at the level where it begins, when we are children, when we are sponges to a world of experience and we are looking for role models for a way to be.
Jinya you are spot on, your comment exposes the vicious cycle people are getting caught in. Many choose not to go to the root of an issue which is the only way for it to be healed. It would almost seem that people enjoy the ill’s so much they chose to be blinded by how the illness got there in the first place. It takes courage to see where our ills have started and then great responsibility to fix them.
Dear Anonymous that is a great question you ask: “Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?” As I am not a mother and not involved with raising boys I was a bit shocked about your truthful sharing and it helped me to take this moment to consider of how we are raising our boys and I have to say I am also guilty doing so not consciously but unconsciously. It is this unconscious behaviour from my side which add to this – as I thought deep inside of me that men are there to protect. As long as I have this believe inside me how can I support a boy in growing up without it.
I have noticed that too Gill, and it brings to my mind how when I was growing up there were many boys who had lost their fathers in the war, and were given the role of “the man of the family” who had to fulfill the duties of the father — to protect, support, defend, stand up for, be the hero — and so on. Consequently many became hardened and were not allowed to show their feelings as they joined ranks of the idealised male image. This is a terrible thing to put on a child, and encourages the child to neglect his own sensitive feelings in an effort to keep the family safe. It is changing, but the advertising industry, and many other sections of the retail world, still hold fast to pushing the differences between boys and girls rather than those things we all experience within, especially that sensitive, vulnerable inner place of being a human being. It is there we can all meet in the heart, and live a life together in true community.
That is both very true, and very sad Joan that boys were made to be hard when they are not. What this blog and these comments are saying is that when a boy is bought up knowing himself and retaining his tenderness he is better prepared to be the protector, the role model and the responsible, balanced family man rather that the hurt, distant, lone ranger, tough hero, provider false image many men are striving to live like.
I think the worst expression is ‘boys will be boys’ the one that allows violence, abuse, and disrespect from a very young boy – I have even heard it used in conjunction to boys sexually assaulting and or raping women, saying that its just them doing what they do. I have to disagree that boys are not less in control than animals, nor are they above repeat decency and the law. We need to start fostering in our young boys a respect of themselves, and a connection to their tenderness, and then perhaps the saying will take on new meaning.
Yes that saying Rebecca boys will be boys is a title we have given to boys as it is not their true nature, they are not born with violence running through their veins and it is not natural. This is something that we as a society have thrust upon them when we try to mould them to look a certain way as a male, with no concern for their naturally tender and caring nature.
It just occurred to me that somehow we think it is normal for us to be influenced by our external environment – the media, the culture, the family etc. and lose our angelic sweetness as we grow up – but we haven’t made any effort to foster and cherish who we innately are. It just shows how we make a choice by not making a choice.
Indeed Fumiyo and not making a choice is even worse than making a seemingly wrong choice as by making no choice, we choose to not care for ourselves in any way. A seemingly wrong choice on the other hand can offer us a big learning.
The picture for this blog shows how naturally sweet boys can be, the complete opposite of how the world moulds them to be as they grow up. It doesn’t make sense that in the adult population we have behaviours that are unquestioned or even defended as normal or not harming. But how can that be so if from young we are told from every direction to be and behave in the opposite of how we are born?
Beautifully said Leigh. Boys, and girls for that matter, are really manufactured by our world. We have accepted so many incorrect, false and idealistic pictures of what we should be like, but in reality we are nothing like it. We are sold, and we have fallen for the deception every time. It really is time to bring back love.
I do get that we as boys are naturally tender and gentle but there does seem to be exceptions to this rule as some young boys seem to be incredibly rough and ready with bags of energy to display this. I wonder if this is partly down to the types of food they are fed.
It’s up to us to slowly but surely through the teachings of Serge Benhayon to bring about a change so we as boys and men can embrace our sensitivity and address our hurts without fear of being rejected more.
Great blog, which draws for me a parallel between classroom superheroes and terrorist boy soldiers. Shocking to realise that high octane advertising, with its testosterone-charged voice-overs and loud blockbuster music, seems to be having the same effect as the militant group indoctrination found in child camps around religious extremism – the only difference being that we’re using a more insidious, less overt and entirely glamorous lights-camera-action set of tools and tricks to get them hooked.
There’s an expectation that boys will play rough because that’s what they do. I observed that boys likes to keep clean can be considered “up tight” by others including their own parents.
Very telling feedback from kids – ‘The boys then explained that they had become so animated because they have to fight evil and that evil is the enemy, the bad people and the dark forces. They agreed with each other that this is a ‘man’s job’, hence why the girls remained unaffected. Moreover, ‘everyone knows’ that this is the way it is, they explained.’
I agree Susan and this blog is great and so are people on the street with the same awareness. We don’t need people to see that “we are led by our ideals and beliefs” necessarily but show them, consistently by the way ‘we’ live. People may react to what is said to them at times but they can’t deny something that is lived, day in day out in front of them.
It is really interesting to see that these boy were reacting like they did and felt like they had to protect the country etc. from a advertisement on building blocks which is something totally different. It shows there is more to these advertisements than we can see, there is an intention and energy behind them that obviously triggers this behaviour.
Exactly Lieke, and it is so important to let children see and understand how much our life is influenced and potentially manipulated by advertisements and media of all kind to allow them to feel for themselves what feels right and true.
What I find alarming is the amount of advertising that is thrown at kids on children’s television and the way the whole animation thing seems to wholly suck them in so there is no awareness of what is going on around them, boys or girls. The energy behind all this advertising and kids TV seriously needs to be monitored and limited or cut out all together.
I agree Kevin. My children do not much watch television and have never seen a movie, but you would be surprised how much they still know about them all from the playground, obviously not as much as watching it, but the energy runs through the system.
Casting an expectation on men and boys to be the ones to protect us all from evil, not only incarcerates men from living in the freedom their natural expression but equally incarcerates women to not let out the untamed strength and consistency we carry within.
On revisiting this blog I was immediately struck with the idea of a world full of men who had not been imposed on. A world full of men who deeply cared for all others and weren’t afraid to express it, who were tender and joyful and open and honest and strong and truly worked for the benefit of all without competition and greed.
It is also interesting to note that in films of heroism fighting evil, even when there is a female in the lead role, she is still acting like a man, it is as if we worship male attributes and see women as the ‘weaker’ sex. There’s an attitude that says Girls just do boring cooking and needlework, which isn’t true, there are many women who have been written out of history because they did not conform to society’s image of ‘how women should be’, but who achieved great things.
This is a great blog with much to consider in terms of advertising and how much is imposed on children – boys and girls. There are though many avenues that are responsible for this imposition each one confirming the next so really this highlights the importance of stopping and looking at ourselves and the beliefs and pictures we hold in our heads and honouring the sensitivity in ourselves to be able to honour in another regardless of gender. I feel we have a way to go but it is a start! It is amazing that a conversation was started with these children and an inspiration knowing there are people who are willing and able to do this. Thank you.
Such a great blog, my feeling is yes we are imposing on young boys as to ‘how they should be’ as they are growing up. We say they shouldn’t cry, to harden up, to not be a sissy, all these things are said from a very young age, giving off the impression that they are ‘not allowed’ to have tender feelings, be gentle or to be themselves. This is not honouring of who they are, so hence encourages the types of behaviours that are prevalent in men in society today. The ego’s, the hardness, the violence, does not come from who they truly are and ‘does’ come from how we raise our boys.
There is something about the current Domestic Violence campaigns that don’t sit quite well with me. It is devastating to read that so many women and children are experiencing this oppression and terrifying existence. I have to ask how damaged must a man already be to be OK with committing this type of violence against another?
What has he already lived and experience in his life that he is making those choices? We have to be just as committed to to honouring the true sensitivity that they all carry as we are to stopping the violence.
Hello Nicole and I agree. In this way we are all a party to ‘his’ violence in some way. If we are not truly honouring the ‘boy’ who then becomes a man then how can we ‘stop the violence’. Are we trying to control something or police something at an end point without ever looking at the beginning. It is like a never ending dog chasing his tail and yet we can’t seem to step out of the spin. It is very very possible that if we were to dedicate more care in how we raise young boys then this type of domestic violence we are speaking of would be an echo of the past.
To consider what is being shared in this article alongside the fact that we have not been without war in the world for more than a day since World War II, means we have to accept that something is awry and the perpetuating beliefs about how to raise boys is definitely part of this. If our men were supported from an early age to be the tender, gentle, all-feeling, sensitive – and in this strong – beings that they are there would be fewer and fewer weapons raised.
Absolutely Matilda – I realise it is only one specific example when what is exposed here is a much wider spectrum of ways in which we are failing to support the true nature of boys but why are we giving our boys toy guns to play with. These are becoming more and more replica style of recent military weapons – those used to kill and injure people. It is incredulous that we can conceive in any way shape or form that ‘play’ for our children can involve emulating the actions taken with such weapons.
I have raised four sons many years ago, they were not brought up to be tough and macho, but they were not allowed to truly express how they were feeling and have this honoured in themselves. I, as a mother was not able to allow myself feel or to express what was right for me either. Only over the last few years, have I been able to accept, that I am ok, just being me. My parenting to day would be worlds apart from my old ways. I now feel in my connection with my sons the tenderness and love slowly emerging with in them.
We are all a part of society and thus all the great questions in this blog are well worth pondering on. We have all heard the expression that children are like sponges, seeing and feeling and soaking everything up around them. We thus all have a part to play in reflecting to young boys, older boys and men that tenderness and sensitivity are our natural way of being regardless of gender and that there is true strength in these qualities.
And playing that part is not difficult at all, it means just being who we naturally are: joyful, loving and tender human beings.
Very telling feedback from kids – ‘The boys then explained that they had become so animated because they have to fight evil and that evil is the enemy, the bad people and the dark forces. They agreed with each other that this is a ‘man’s job’, hence why the girls remained unaffected. Moreover, ‘everyone knows’ that this is the way it is, they explained.’
When I was studying psychology, we studied gender development, and they did a piece of research where they dressed young children up as the opposite sex and then asked someone to play with them. They had all sorts of toys available, but in both cases the person tried to make the child play with the gender stereotypical toys of a boy or girl, and where shocked at the end when they discovered it was actually not a boy or not a girl and was the other way around. when I play with the little girl I babysit, I play with her equally with the tool kits and tractors, as with the kitchen toys and Teddy bears. We have to start to realise that we do have innate ideas about what girls and boys should and should do from the youngest of ages an it does have an effect.
One of the tragedies about the way in which we bring up our boys is that they are not honoured for the true sensitivity that they all carry. And neither as men do we provide the role models that reflect to them that it is OK to be that way either. And thus the cycle forever continues.
Unfortunately the lack of truly vital and loving role models breeds more insecurity and lack of self worth. That is why it is of utmost importance that we each take on the responsibility of living all that we naturally are so that others too can choose that for themselves.
I agree Adam, I am thankful to Serge Benhayon that I have had the blessing to meet many men who are coming back to expressing their tenderness, and no longer feel the need to harden and protect. It is great to start to see these role models go out into the world
Hello Adam and I agree. If we can see this needs to change then why not change it. We are all apart of ‘raising young boys’ even it is only through an interaction in the street. If we can see this is true then the way we live as a role model for this sensitivity would be important. It doesn’t matter if we have 10 children or no children we provide a reflection from the way we live, whether we are behind closed doors or not. So if we were to honour the “true sensitivity that they all carry” and continue to expand this every day then this would make a significant difference. The world won’t change unless ‘we’ are willing to do our piece regardless of what the outside world is moving towards or wants you to do, it is us that hold the key, all of us.
Beautifully said Raymond and it is true it is how we live that is the biggest advertisement we give out. Even if it is behind closed doors, the way we live will always be felt by all and living in a responsible way supports everyone to do the same.
Exactly Adam. Boys learn very young that the men and women around them expect them to conform to a stereotype that is worlds apart from who they truly are. I’ve seen fathers being extremely tender with their young sons, but all the while they are still feeding them subliminal messages that they need to be tough and not honour their feelings and sensitivity.
There are so many things that we lace our children’s upbringing with – girl or boy, and we cannot say that it has no effect, for people pay millions to have a 30 second advertising slot as they know it will make you more likely to buy it, how can we say that everything else we are bombarded with will not have an effect.
In this blog, I feel it raises the question about understanding what imposition actually is, how debilitating it can be, and where we must be aware of it and learn how to not allow it to take hold and dictate the quality of our relationships and our lives.
It is even more insidious that this, because we have a society, where we need to raise boys with the possibility that some day they might need to go to war and kill. So in some respects the ‘good’ and evil’ training steam from not facing the fact that this is the way the world still works.
The ultimate image of every boy what they will become when they grow up: A Hero.
Very true Alex, a hero, superman, a fire fighter or any image that takes them away from their true essence: the tender and sensitive boy that they are.
Quite shocking, how much ideas like ‘fighting evil’, ‘protecting’ etc. can override the natural sensitivity and discernment that otherwise would deliver a greater spectrum of insights, understandings and possibilities to approach life, e.g. a situation where we have to deal with a behaviour that is considered being dangerous, threatening or ‘evil’. The aspect of doing the ‘right and good thing’ when fighting evil is intense, fuelling a sense of false righteousness, purpose and pride.
Beliefs are the bane of our existence. Your blog so clearly highlights their effects on little boys and how they grow into men but our beliefs are doing this to all of us 24/7 in so many ways. They keep us separated and from feeling the truth.
‘Would it not be wise for us, as a society, to consider what is happening here?’ Absolutely, Anonymous! For without doing so we cannot make the change in society we are seeking. We know something about the way we live isn’t working, although we may not be able to put a finger to it. We all know that all boys and men are tender they are just not given permission to express it so and by lifting the ban on tenderness, so to speak, men can realign to their true nature.
‘We hereby lift the ban on tender-ness!’… this is a proclamation I would love to hear and one that would transform the world. To celebrate and honour our natural tender-ness breaks down so many of the behaviours we have that hide and guard this in the misunderstanding that it is a weakness to be tender. Like fragility, honesty, sensitivity and open-ness, tender-ness is actually our foundational natural way to be with each other.
Wow, I am stunned but not surprised by what you observed – such an instant and palpable change in your students. For me this confirms that everything is energy and we can all be affected by it instantaneously. If this was just one ad, imagine what’s happening through the multitude of media our children are exposed to. I’m always talking to my son to make him aware of what changes in his body when he’s playing different video games etc as it’s very obvious to me how different games affect his behaviour in different ways. And this of course happening to people of all ages who are into gaming. All of these forms of entertainment and advertisements only feed the accepted ideals and beliefs around manhood and masculinity – competition, physical strength, and aggression, taking our boys far away from their natural sensitivity and gentleness
Thank you Anonymous for a thought provoking blog. I love the fact that it asks us all to consider these questions for they do affect us all. You have let me with much to ponder on
I have an appreciation for whoever wrote this blog as it highlights the pressures and impositions that are placed on males from a very early age, which result in the innocence and tenderness of young boys to be suppressed or overiden.
Dear anon, this is very timely, i have two boys who both play with these well known building blocks, one of them specifically gets very hooked into the whole package, i began to notice that it was the first thing he would go to every morning and that it was like he became blind to everything else. We discussed his behaviour and agreed to put all the building blocks away for a month and see what happened. Since then he has played with many of his other toys, he is less isolated and seems more engaged with his siblings and life.
While on a plane yesterday I observed a boy in front of me who was probably about 6 or 7 years old. He was flying with his father. For most of the journey he played on an iPad. The game he was playing was a car racing game where he was controlling a car that was avoiding police, army tanks and a host of other vehicles that were continuously firing weapons at the car. I found it hard to accept that this is the “normal” for many if not most children – perhaps boys in particular – and that as a society we find this “okay”. I can see how all these pieces in a boy’s life contribute to the feeling of having to fight and therefore deepen the separation from the feelings of tenderness that they naturally are.
It is great that you and the teacher were both aware of the distorted and unrealistic images children are bombarded with. It is extremely sad to witness children abandon their natural way for trying to fit in with an imposed illusion. It is up to us Susan to point it out to those who cannot see, or think its okay,
Brilliant questions for us all to be asking ourselves Anonymous, thank you for initiating such. By the very fact that it seems that the tenderness of boys and men is felt by women long before it is honoured by men themselves. This has to be turned around, our innate qualities are to be cherished by us all, for men to know their true strength and responsibility is to honour their sensitivity and tenderness, the service this then brings to us all will change the world.
Growing up I used to have a picture of the man I would like to meet being the knight in shining armour that would sweep me off my feet and be a jack of all trades, I can see now that I placed far more emphasis on the picture and didn’t even consider that deep down what I truly wanted was a deeply caring and tender man, so I can see when we hold onto these pictures or ideals, men can never return to their true tender nature.
So it shows that such pictures are not just fed to boys but girls as well and thus also taking them away from their natural sensitivity and innate knowing of truth.
I can relate to what you have written Julie, ‘Growing up I used to have a picture of the man I would like to meet being the knight in shining armour that would sweep me off my feet’, there is a lot of pressure on men to ‘take care of women’ and to be strong and capable and all of the others pictures we as women have of men. I wanted a man to come along, look after me and make everything ok, I didn’t consider that men could be vulnerable and fragile and also have issues themselves to deal with – what fairy tale picture I held, no wonder men could never live up to this.
Well said Richard. There is something extraordinarily gorgeous and confirming about having a teacher, family member or friend who pulls you up when you behave in a way that isn’t your true self, because they can feel and appreciate how you are when you ARE being just you.
A great point you make here Susie. When someone pulls you up because “they can feel and appreciate how you are when you ARE being just you”, is very different from when someone pulls you up because you have done something wrong, or it doesn’t ‘fit’ with what they want or believe to be right. This is a very different approach to the ways most of us have been brought up, and would make literally, a world of difference to our future generations health and well being.
Anonymous this blog captures what I’ve experienced in boys and always felt was so passionate in a lot of their play when this belief has been triggered, to the detriment of their sensitivity. Until now I’d never fully appreciated how easily it can be triggered and how deep the experience is for them, not quite having the understanding apart from feeling how they’d been taken over by a force.
Though I have encouraged parents to give their sons permission to be gentle and role model how to be gentle or even tender with their sons, I am seeing there is a greater opportunity to discuss this with teachers knowing there have been a lot of injuries over rough play with boys. Currently there is an attitude that society accepts that ‘boys will be boys’ and there’s nothing that can be done about it.
Yes, Anon, blanket statements like “boy will be boys’ seem to be specifically designed to arrest any open discussion of big topics like this: they are basically a huge STOP – Don’t Go There sign against dialoguing and sharing perceptions about such matters.
There is a real challenge for boys now growing up to remain with their sensitive ways, because they not so supported or even role-modelled that often, and I see a lot of boys in the town where I live, and they seem to be trying to fit in, to find a place for themselves amongst it all, and it appears that the choices they believe to have are so limited.
This is true Shami. I have also noticed this. My son is about to start school in a few days and he is feeling the pressure of how he is supposed to be already. He was choosing his name tags the other day and said that he has to have boy colours. I encouraged him to choose which colour he likes but felt the pressure already to conform to the boy colours. He hasnt even started yet.
This is such an important topic for us all to be talking about. For boys to feel confident and safe to hold their sensitivity in a world that asks them to be everything but is huge, and so it is for us all to support them to do so, as you say anonymous, as they are ready. We cannot push them, but we can be role models by choosing to live from our sensitivity also, man or woman.
I completely agree Anna. I grew up wanting to be one tough cookie (so not though! but for a time I didn’t cry as I believed it was a sign of weakness ). It was only through seeing men and women role model being sensitive and being undeniably powerful that I got to trust being sensitive didn’t make you a victim, the opposite in fact. I’ve got to experience how powerful these role models are and feel how possible it is for me to be a role model too, the more I come to accept and cherish my sensitivity.
When I look at the photo of this little boy accompanying this blog, all I can see is sweet, sweet, sweet. He is no different to any little girl his age. It makes no sense to raise boys and girls differently to become the roles we expect them to be. We need to raise them as loving beings and then everything else will be taken care of.
Great point Michelle, there is no difference in our sweetness as little girls and boys, yet how quickly it is imposed we are to begin shaping ourselves according to the expectations of our gender. Allowing little ones to naturally be their exquisite selves, supporting them in their own discovery of who they are, allows us the opportunity to be blessed by all they bring by simply being who they are.
‘I had no idea that one online ad for a toy could trigger such agitated behaviour and such incredibly, deeply held convictions as the ones I witnessed during that lesson.’ This observation and insight feels like it is the tip of the iceberg of what rubbish our young (and ourselves) are constantly bombarded with. The conversation that Anon invited afterwards is an important way to allow our children to express what is going on for them and for us to offer them a broader range of understanding, and an awareness of the power and motivations of the media. A very important subject.
As much as the world does a good job at distracting and using any means possible to pull children and ourselves away from our connection, it is my job as a parent to ensure I don’t add to the pollution by dumping my issues onto kids or encouraging anything else than nurturing the love that I can see and feel that they are. Making this a priority sets a firm foundation for them to begin reading how life pulls the shutters down on how lovely we actually are.
Despite all the ways boys are conditioned to be tough warriors and worse, some as they grow older manage to keep some of their deeper qualities intact and become tender young men. Yesterday evening, I was in accident and emergency at a rural hospital. Many lovely doctors, nurses and health care assistants attended to the person I had accompanied. One in particular, a man of South African descent and nurse, stood out. He was, warm, open, light and related to us as people, not just patients. When he took the person I was with for a CT scan, he lifted her in his arms from one trolley and to another: masculinity and tenderness rolled into one. As we were leaving, he anticipated our need, brought a wheelchair, told us which exit to use and how to get from the building to our car with the minimum of effort.
Kehinde that’s just gorgeous. Men who express their tenderness, caring and sensitivity like this are so inspiring. They say to me it’s ok to be yourself, to trust in another and to share who you really are.
I have to appreciate here that it is just wonderful reading all the comments and this blog by Anon. What is a tragedy is the layers of seduction and manipulation that tears us away from being ourselves, for both men and women. Oblivion and ignorance run supreme, and this is why many are caught up in the false ideals that alter the course of our lives that shape our many unloving choices in society. But when one wakes up and opens their heart and eyes, the choice becomes super easy.
I have dated a very tender, sensitive and beautiful man and this has brought up a lot for me. What I learned from it was that when he was in his tenderness, I would make a very nasty joke. This was my way of protection and not wanting to feel my own tenderness. What I can see is how we as women play a big role in the imposing on men. When we let go of our hardening, drive and being tough, we allow the men to do the same and just be.
Boys are delicate, tender and most beautiful to observe and behold. They are full of boundless wisdom about the world, how it operates and all their experiences within it. If we are open to them, with our own sensitivity, we can embrace, foster and nurture this within them ourselves. Without our own sensitivity embraced it is easy for us to show them a way of hardening that then becomes the norm. Is this what we want for our men and women in society? Learning to embrace our own tenderness, is key in allowing this in others – and this is definitely what the world needs.
Gorgeous Amelia, I love that you share how we can all simply begin to change this way of being with boys, by being tender with ourselves and others.
Hear hear Amelia and Laura, we owe it to ourselves and each other to honour and hold ourselves as the Sons of God we all are.
This is great to read Golnaz, ‘when faced with an unloving scenario our wisest response is BE LOVE’, I know that in the past I have chosen the opposite response and hardened up and closed down in unloving situations, this never worked, and so I can feel how to remain open and loving would work, I’m learning to not react in these situations and so it’s very confirming to read this, thank you.
This is so ginormous. What you saw, what the girls saw, what you then discussed. It’s huge. It’s everywhere and it’s considered totally normal. But as your class saw that day, it is a million miles from the truth of who these boys (and exactly the same happens to girls with different advertising) really are.
I agree Otto. It is crazy. The picture we have been sold to live up to is so far removed from what a man / boy truly is. The cycle repeats again and again when the violence of disconnected men require boys to think they need to grow up to survive and protect. The seeds are sown from even before a child is conceived. And we wonder how there is so much mental ill health and the resulting suicide rates.
I love coming back to this blog because what is written about is HUGE. All the social conditioning being triggered in just a couple of minutes, if that, of one advert. Sensitive to wildly animated super hero acting out. It must have been quite a surreal experience.
A few years ago I remember working with children around 3 and 4 years old. I could never understand the behaviour of two boys who played super hero play battles constantly – every play situation they could turn into these battles they did. I was baffled because they were also super, super sensitive, very aware so I wondered why they were fighting when they would never wish to harm another. But this article makes sense of their behaviour now. Their imaginary world of goodies and baddies was like a protective shield that they immersed themselves in – they told me they loved computer games of this ilk too.
We so have a responsibility to have a society where young boys don’t have to hide how sensitive and caring they are in make believe fights or computer games.
I remember when I was young, seeing adverts on TV, and I would always be totally sold by whatever it was, begging my mum to buy me it because the advert made it look amazing. And the few times I got a toy from an advert, it was never like they made it out to be because obviously I wasn’t aware of the amazing effects of editing and special effects. However, this feeling of dishonesty and manipulation is in some kids ads – they know they are targeting a very young audience who are very open and easily convinced, and they don’t care what sort of life long and lasting ideas and beliefs they may leave with the child so long as it sells.
The manipulation and dishonesty is certainly in a lot of ads targeted at children, Rebecca – that is correct. We had a discussion about who had ever bought something on the basis of how it looked in an ad and when they got it home, it was nothing like. This inevitably caused disappointment to all and also a sense of mistrust for many of the children. Do we truly want either emotion cultivating in our young? Isn’t this lack of responsibility starting to approach being abusive?
Life as it’s currently lived is an imposition. We are all imposed on constantly even though many would be unaware of the gentle battering that we take from birth through to death.
I have heard people and in particular men use the term ‘suck it up’ meaning just have to deal with it. We are not taught to view injustice in life as something that can be lovingly exposed, remaining with our tenderness. My experience is trying to fix or force something to change is as harmful to us as giving up and being resigned to injustice. It is so important that grown up men choose the first way of being where we honour both our bodies and our true expression – not only for our own well-being but to offer alternative role models for our youth.
As I understand it, advertising directly targets our psychology with the intent to stimulate these gender specific emotions, making it more likely that a percentage of the population will then purchase the particular items they are selling. A friend once bought something on hire purchase and methodically paid the item off over twelve months. When he went to purchase something else in the same way he was refused. This is because he didn’t default. These companies know that a certain percentage of people will default, so they can be charged penalties and they don’t want those that actually do the right thing. They actually want you to default, then you are considered a ‘good customer’. This is just preying on the vulnerable.
The gaming has a major impact on both girls and boys and as they play, that becomes normal and then they think it is then normal to behave this way in real life.
This is a beautiful sharing, and I am glad that you are in a class teaching boys and can be a reflection to them. What an inspiration you are.
We are in a society where molding our little ones into roles seems like the thing to do, from such an early age!
Like with the ‘boy toys’ and their fight from evil, so to do the girls get pushed into a category of superficial beauty through dolls and other glamorous activities. Not that all these toys are bad as such, it’s just about our imposition on them – like you’ve shared Anon – what beliefs are we passing onto our children and why are we trying to mold them into something we THINK society needs or accepts?
If an advert can invoke such reaction in children then what about everything else we do or show them, directly or indirectly. We should take a serious note here because we label kids as ADHD yet one advert triggered that response, to me this shows that we all have to be truly responsible for everything. Perhaps one day adverts will not only be rated by their direct content but also by the effect they have on people. Yet in the minds of nearly everyone they would agree that’s how boys are raised so we also have to look at what conditions we place on gender and how deeply that impacts our children.
As women, not only do we have to honor the tenderness and sensitivity of men. We have to express to all men that what they have thought would make them manly is not what we as women want. We have to express to all men that no one ounce of violence and/or abuse is okay. We have to express our delicateness and express that from our equality. We have to support each other in healing our deep hurts.
‘How can we allow these beliefs about what it is to be a man to shut down their sensitive awareness at such a young age? How many men and boys perceive themselves to be warriors against evil, defenders of home and hearth?’
This is so interesting because it then asks us to consider who or what is the enemy?
War between countries, war against the teacher, war against women? Ultimately war within themselves.
These young men get a message from a very young age that they must fight to survive. These beliefs are destructive in every way and deeply affect their self worth.
Great point Kathryn, the ‘battle’ need not be what it means to go through life for any of us boy, girl, woman or man. As we each awaken to the fact that who we innately are are Sons of God, here for the purpose of Love, therein will end the war.
These are great questions you pose about how we raise boys. The imposition can start so young, even the belief that all boys play rough. A boy that is sensitive to rough play or loud noises can be unfairly labelled ‘difficult’ or ‘weak’ when he is just being himself.
Yes Annie, there was a boy yesterday at the centre who told me, “julie, the kids are too loud”, and I said to him, “yes, it hurts your ears and doesn’t feel very nice when its loud does it”, he nodded for yes. I said, “how about we tell them to be a little more quiet”, which we did.
I can see our responsibility to prepare our kids for the world in holding themselves tender and fragile as a strength and not a weakness. We got it so wrong.
It is only recently since I met Serge Benhayon that I have started to consider the truth he has reflected so frequently: that when faced with an unloving scenario our wisest response is BE LOVE. It had not occurred to me that deepening the level of love I am expressing, and holding that love consistently, is the most profound and more powerful way of facing anything that is unloving. When I respond in this way not only do I avoid losing my clarity, connection, confidence or power, but I end up offering the other person a steady space that supports them to come back to themselves should they wish to.
So how come this is not what we teach our young? How come at such an early age they already think the only way to respond to anything that is unloving is to pick up a weapon and go into battle? Something is very wrong with our whole approach to life.
Hmmm…..yes – it also seem see have some culturally specific ( group) reactions to certain imagery, doesn’t it, Mary? The images you mention would get a different reaction in the west, hence, there seem to be different ‘hooks’ as it were,, that are group or culturally specific, as well as the broader gender based ones.
If we were to call that intelligent, Doug, then I would doubt the credibility and the veracity of that intelligence; if we say it is not intelligent, then what is stopping us from addressing this? Open discussion of each of these questions may pose some interesting considerations….
How much do we restrict the choices of our boys, and our men, by these recurring themes and patterns of fighting the enemy and evil?
A great question to pose here anonymous, as when we do this we miss out on their naturally tender and sensitive selves and teach them it’s not okay to be this natural way.
I remember being taught about advertising at school, but it was not approached from the empowering and eye opening perspective of learning to see and discern what the adverts really want, and if I am going to let the advert make me interested simply because of the way its designed, or because I genuinely like the product. Teaching that comes back to a child’s ability to feel whats right for them is very confirming for them that they do know, something many lack as they grow older.
Anonymous’ I absolutely feel that we are; ‘Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?’ I can feel how with my young son that when he is with me generally he is his sweet, tender, open, loving self and that there are some who treat him as a rough and tough boy and he goes along with this for a while, probably because he wants to play with them, but there does always come a point where he gets upset and is in tears because the rough games or the hardness has gone too far for him and then people are left perplexed thinking oh he must be tired or that there is something wrong with him, it is very sad to see that he is not always seen and honoured for the sweet, sensitive little boy that he so naturally is.
Being protective and having strength is important, but how often do these aspects of our lives need to be activated in life saving situations? In the meantime allowing the true beauty and sensitivity of men to emerge is desperately needed in our families and communities.
Absolutely Bernadette! And being protective and having strength doesnt at all mean losing any of that sensitivity. They can exist side by side.
So true Bernadette, tenderness is so much needed in our families and communities. We can allow men to be who they truly are, tender and caring and loving, I certainly love men showing their true qualities. I have discovered how I was feeding the hardness in men with my expectations towards them, how they should be like and should have and provide, instead of enjoying the tenderness, delicateness and sensitivity.
I recently spent time with members of my family, the boys/men ranging in age from 3 to 86. I noticed in all of them a sensitivity that could be evoked by connecting with them, especially the teenage boys. We are all equally and differently ‘the same’ in that we do not resist being truly cared for and want to be caring toward others. If this simple message came first, as a foundation and accepted truth, then other more aggressive or oppressive behaviours and beliefs could be held beside this truth to be evaluated and seen for the falseness that it is.
Working in Advertising, I saw very strongly how ads were targeted to women or men. And that role play was a huge factor in each ad.
As you say here – what we are doing is influencing from a very young age that a difference in gender means a difference in roles.
But sadly this is not nurturing or supportive of who we truly are, that we are all equally tender and sensitive and we do not need tough men who fight evil. This blog shows just how much boys can be influenced when in fact it is just us taking them away from who they truly are.
The pressure that is put on boys is enormous as the majority of role models the world supplies to them only reinforce t hardness and crush their innate tenderness.
Two major men in my life, both are super sensitive, and yet both in their own ways are bound by ‘being’ a man. I see it and feel it in my sons when they come back from school each day. It is hard to escape these continual pressures forced upon them from every which way, asking them to be this and that. In truth, and in all honesty, these four men alone are more than enough just as they are. It is so sad to know this is magnified 3.5 billion times as men are not supported or do not understand that they are enough in their natural essence.
3.5 billion men running the energy of suppression is an awful to of energy and force being used to make sure that men and boys override their innate tenderness – an awful lot of energy.
It could be so simple, I just imagine how the world would look like without the highest buildings, fast cars, huge competition with sports and so much more. I can sense a lot of joy and no need to be better or richer, because no proof is needed when it counts who we truly are with our very own qualities and not what we can do.
This is a great topic to raise, Anonymous. I first hand witness the effect of raising boys to be hard, tough, manly and absolutely NOT sensitive or tender every day at school.. Most of the boys in my year have a sharp edge to them, and feel like they have to play sports to fit in, or be derogatory toward women in order to show their insensitivity. Sadly if we continue to neglect boys’ natural fragility as they grow up these behaviours will become more and more extreme as they get older.
I have had the pleasure of watching some boy grow up from a young age. I have seen many boys especially one with sisters naturally want to dress up in a skirt, play with make up or paint their nails. I notice once they start kindergarten things begin to change and suddenly they start to adopt the male persona imposed on them by society. So the being to see the absolute tenderness of boys starting to toughen. The tenderness doesn’t leave it just doesn’t come out to play and shin as much.
It shows how much we are influenced by if not depend on ‘reflection’. So if there is no role model being shown to us of what it is like to simply be oneself as a boy/man or girl/woman we try to become what is imposed upon us. It is one thing to raise awareness in children and adults to the falseness of such ideals and to reduce the exposure to these false images, still it needs true role models that confirm children in their naturalness hence, it needs men and women to rid themselves of the falseness and be who they are so that they reflect just the same essence that is still so obvious to see and feel in all children.
This is so true Alex, ‘if there is no role model being shown to us of what it is like to simply be oneself as a boy/man or girl/woman we try to become what is imposed upon us’, I had this realisation last night, I realised that I had no true role models around me as I was growing up and realised that as a result I had joined in with the behaviour of those around me – which was often hard and destructive, I could not see another way of being, I left my natural sweetness and gentleness and am only now returning to living in this way after 35 years.
Hello Susie and it’s great to see a young woman with this awareness, an awareness you are taking to school. It we don’t address these things then they keep growing and growing, eventually out of control. We need to keep speaking and speaking about this at every turn. The more this is out there the more likely a change will come. We can also support the men and boys around us by holding them in what we know them truly to be, sensitive and deeply caring. No matter the age it is never to late to see them.
Just to say, the women of this group were equally awesome, but the men were extra-ordinary. The question we could be asking is what happened in these households and schools that brought out these qualities in these men. What is their story? Or is it me that has changed, the closer I get to me, and the more I am at ease with myself, the more I connect to more to the essence of others. But no, there is more to this. The following day I had a conversation with a man that harboured hurt and resentment, this was the other end of the scale and felt very different! Again we can only hazard a guess at what was missing in this man’s life or conditions that led to so much bitterness and inner discord.
I recently was in the presence of a large group of boys, men, fathers, grandfathers and uncles all of whom were a joy to be with: tender, kind, respectful, welcoming, open, warm, vulnerable, yet playful too. I was blown away. These men are out there. I thank Universal Medicine, for opening my eyes and heart to fully appreciate the beauty of men.
It is so great to hear that you are bringing this kind of awareness to kids, showing them the stereotypes that are created through visual media, teaching them how to discern and inspiring them to staying true to themselves!
That they do not have to fit into a drawer and are just perfectly fine as they naturally are is what kids should get taught at school, but above all be shown everywhere they are. It would allow them to grow up with building trust in themselves and love for themselves instead of constantly nurturing a lack of self-worth and struggle to meet ideals and beliefs
Thank you anonymous – this is an important discussion to be had. ‘How much do we restrict the choices of our boys, and our men, by these recurring themes and patterns of fighting the enemy and evil?’ Your sharing clearly demonstrates that it is not ‘natural’ for boys and men to be tough and hard.
Thanks for highlighting something that lays the foundation for lack of self worth and self loathing issues we then grow up to have as we been imposed upon with ideals and beliefs that take us away from who we are. Important topic, may the discussion continue until we reveal the true evil this way of being really is.
How empowering for the young students in your class to be given the opportunity to discuss and analyse this experience and the impacts of the beliefs that are imposed on boys and men, that they all bore witness to.
Reading this blog has made me think about the devastating impact conscription must have had on men and our society, and is just one example of how belief systems that assert that men are responsible for fighting, defending and staving off evil, are designed to annihilate the natural tenderness and preciousness of men.
Yes, Stevie, and those who refused to fight were basically persecuted….and so they suffered a different form of devastation through their non compliance to these beliefs.
I had the same thought Stevie. I could feel how conscription plays on the natural desire of men to care for and protect that which they love. It would either rare men into feeling they are doing the most important thing they can imagine or make those who don’t want to fight feel guilty, unmanly and weak.
As a man, when you are aggressive, you have a lot of force available and it can give you a real buzz but that is the end of the good news.
Being able to be vulnerable and tender, makes a man very powerful. It vastly reduces the need to be aggressive but it does not stop the ability to take very strong action if required, the action just comes from a much more settled space and is much less likely to induce regrets afterwards.
Thank you for sharing Christoph. I can feel how some men put out an arrogant or aggressive persona in the belief that this is what they need to do to be safe, protected and be able to protect those around them. It takes courage to drop this facade and allow people to see your vulnerability, but it is so worth it for all of us.
“Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?” Poignant question and I would have to say categorically that the answer is yes. To our great detriment our boys are losing their tenderness through misguides advertising, ideals and beliefs. Your blog is an exposing expose of this , thank you anonymous.
I would agree Shirl. I sometimes am shocked walking behind a little boy who already has a stiff, tough guy walk. As I look at his dad it is clear to see where this has come from. It is a crime that we let such gorgeousness of our little boys change and distort as they get older. It is to all of our detriment to have tender men trapped inside a hard, strong exterior. This affects how they can be in personal and professional relationships and how they raise the next generation of boys. It’s time to break this cycle.
I was really impressed with the blog you have presented Anon. That you picked up this reaction of the little boys to the Advertisement and questioned why their behaviour changed, would also have given them insight as well. I have spent quite a lot of time in the company of little boys and I agree that they are very sensitive and caring . I too have seen the change come over them when presented with the image of men and boys being the protector or tough guy that calls for the aggression to emerge, its like something comes over them for that change to happen. We need to start supporting the changes in our own homes first and the ripple effect will take it into the wider community that boys are gentle, loving and sensitive, so let them be so.
What I loved most about this blog was feeling the freedom of expression the children in your class have and how you have encouraged that. You have been supporting these students to do what they naturally do, to feel and read situations and energy, something that school usually squashes out of us. I loved that the girls got to give feedback to the boys and how they were confirming to the boys that their tender selves were who they are, not the agitated defenders of the universe! I loved how freely the boys expressed and how they also got to feel that’s not them. What a powerful marker for the rest of their lives.
This is a great blog showing the harm that can come from advertising to encourage change that is not the true way for boys. The level of tenderness and innocence I see with boys when we make the time to connect to them is so precious and joyful.
Amina that’s a good call at this point in the comments … We as responsible inhabitants on this earth have continued to perpetuate fighting as long as history has been recorded, we have a problem with the foundations or blueprints for living. Nothing will truely change until we replace this with’ Love as as our intelligence ‘ and from there we nurture our future, this is equally the responsibility of men and women, boys and girls as we all have the capacity for choice.
‘The boys then explained that they had become so animated because they have to fight evil and that evil is the enemy, the bad people and the dark forces. They agreed with each other that this is a ‘man’s job’, hence why the girls remained unaffected. Moreover, ‘everyone knows’ that this is the way it is, they explained.’ This is so interesting, I had no idea the this concept of ‘fighting the dark forces’ existed so strongly.
Anonymous, I love the photo of the little boy in this article, he says it all, I can feel his sweetness, playfulness, innocence and loveliness, this is naturally how boys are, they do not start off in life as hard and tough, it is society that imposes this onto them.
A society that holds a rugby player up as a hero because he continued to play with a broken jaw.
And this beautiful sweet lovely quality is what I experience from men who are willing to let their guard down and share their true selves with the world. It is still there within them, they have just been taught to cover it up.
The pronouncement that ‘it is the way it is’ by your pupils is shocking and at the same time not surprising. That something as seemingly innocent as an advert for building blocks can do this, is very telling and scary. I could understand the reaction your boys had if they watched a recruitment ad for the army, but to find the same energy driving the sales for toys is very disturbing. It starts so young – pretty much before birth or even conception of a boy – and we see the result being all the violence in the world which is mostly at the hands of men, all the mental ill health and the relationship problems. We all need to become much more aware of the source of these influences and the damage they cause so that we can educate our children appropriately. And advertising seriously needs to take responsibility for the messages it is feeding the children.
It feels awful that we should expect boys to be anything other than the sensitive tender beings that they are. What a pressure we put on them to be tough. It’s so right that these boys reacted in the way that they did to the advert. They could feel the horrendous nature of the ideal that was being placed on them. It’s so great that this was noticed and discussed so they were affirmed in what they were feeling.
It’s astonishing how early boys are picking up these messages from society and the impact it is having on them. It’s time we understood and appreciated that ALL boys and men are naturally caring, tender, sensitive beings and stopped expecting them to toughen up – for what? Every time a boy or man toughens up that little bit more to cope with what’s expected of them we all lose something precious.
This is very true, we all miss out on that beautiful precious boy or man.
I have a deep appreciation for the men in my life who do allow their sensitivity to be seen and they express in a tender loving way. It melts me time and time again, and reminds me this is normal, and that the hard, tough shell is just protection but it hurts us all.
Hello Deborah and yes ‘we’ are society and so while it’s great that we see “ALL boys and men are naturally caring, tender, sensitive beings” but if the wider society is not there yet then those that see will need support more and more. How to do this?, see more. There is no end to what can be seen on this topic and so it’s time for ‘us’ to see more and in that way it will be there for us all. We all know what we are saying is true it is just that some may take more time to remember but equally that shouldn’t stop us all from wanting to see every part no matter who’s looking.
I recently heard a saying that was said to a man in the ambulance service. It was about needing to drink cement- meaning the man needed to toughen up and stop being a princess. As a nurse I can see the devastating effect on men’s bodies when they do ‘harden up’, as this physically hardens the tissues and blood vessels, causing restriction and tension in the body. No wonder so many men have heart conditions with the hardening caused in their cardiovascular system.
Wow this is a great blog, especially to read how advertising plays such an important part in shaping the lives of young boys and girls, who instinctively pick up on roles we all play, and roles that are presented to them. It really highlights how advertising needs to change in order not to put these pressures and assumptions on children, but also how we as adults need to look at the roles we play, and take on, and how that needs to change.
Considering that this kind of thing isn’t really talked about very often, and that in fact this blog is quite ground breaking, how awful must it be for little boys to being feeling all this pressure and might from forces outside of them and not even have a language to describe it, a language not given to them by us who are the adults responsible for their care. Not that we have known any better because non of us were spoken to with this kind of awareness when we were young. However, now that we have this blog there is no excuse.
It’s easy to see how men take on the role of defender of all when you look at our history and all the wars we’ve engaged in. And even when we are not at war there is always this sense that a war may break out or a terrorist attack will lead to a big war. Not to mention the over production of movies about war, violence, video games and fantasy alien attacks to defend against – is it any wonder our men folk are on heightened alert to defend and protect.
They are extremely imposing, and when my children were younger they noticed and commented on that as soon as the ads came on, the volume would increase, all by itself. We also had the ads on mute, and nowadays no one really watches TV anymore in our house.
A very important blog Anonymous and your points are so well made, backed up with that experience in the classroom. A different world might unfold when your observations and subsequent teachings become the ‘norm’ in any school all over the world!
It is actually quite hard to find presents for boys that are not competitive or involve some kind of battle. Sport, video games, movies all seem to involve some type of battle or conflict. So much of what is around them speaks to this.
Boys can be honoured for their sensitivity and caring natures far more than they are. We need to let go of our competitive language and start really meeting and appreciating them as a great foundation for allowing them to stay connected to their true natures.
It is so strange that we try to put boys and girls into drawers instead of just seeing every child for the beauty they are.
It’s great Anon, that you can teach such a subject in school and in a way that supports children to discern what is coming at them, not just through advertising but from friends, family and role models in society. How great that you stopped and asked the class to feel what had happened in their bodies. The more we do this the more we encourage children to stay connected to what they are feeling so they have more power not take on what the world is trying to impose on them.
Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age? absolutely and this is obvious from all societies in the world both in the past and today . Now with the epidemic of prostrate cancer almost one in two men who develop this from not honouring their natural sensitivity and tenderness form a small child onwards in life by our very was of upbringing and livingness. it is definitely time that this was known and a change offered to allow this tenderness and sensitivity to be lived and all women would welcome this and be honoured for who they are also . It would bring about a real change and honouring and love in the world and restore a balance to a world that is so obviously out of balance and allow us to live and be who we really are .
One in two men developing prostate cancer is certainly an indicting statistic on the real effects of our imposition on boys and the suppression of their innate natures, Tricia! Considering that this is indeed the aetiology of that cancer, that it is NOT down to bad luck, a gratuitous universe or to bad genes, is highly revealing and supportive for all men.
I have two children, so parenting is one of my favorite topics. Reading this blog highlights to me that we are very far from what I call true parenting. Are we as parents taking responsibility for our children? Are we constantly evaluating how we parent, how our every choice, every expression affects our children as well as us? They watch our every move, they learn from us by the way we as parents choose to live. I have learnt that parenting is about equality and honouring our children for who they are. Our children are our greatest teachers. I learn so much everyday from my children, they reflect so much to me, I am often completely blown away by them. They offer so much love, wisdom and tenderness, so why would we want to crush this or hide it? Like many things in life, I feel we are looking at things upside down. What if it is our children who are here to teach us to return to love? To reconnect us back to who we are? To be playful, fun and joyful. To be open, loving and non-judgmental. Every baby that is born on earth reflects love and truth to us all. Are we going to celebrate this or are we going to choose to shut it down?
“Are we going to celebrate this or are we going to choose to shut it down?” That is a truly beautiful question to pose, Chan Ly, and very beautiful to consider. Thank you 🙂
“They watch our every move” So isn’t this then asking us to bring a much greater awareness to how we move and the quality in which we live everyday? ‘Every baby that is born on earth reflects love and truth to us all. Are we going to celebrate this or are we going to choose to shut it down?’ Great question Chan Ly.
Yes this true Susan, both genders are being falsely fed beliefs around how they should behave or be in life. It is time to start questioning what is going on and where the influences are coming from.
I have 3 sons and have definitely observed the affect of this type of advertising, as well as from children’s TV shows and video games, but I feel the imposition may start earlier than we are sometimes aware. As a first time Mum, I had decided that we would not have any toy guns or weapons in our house, I was also very controlling in what my son watched on TV etc. Despite my best intentions, my son was able to imagine a weapon in almost any object – a stick, a column of building blocks, even in the shape of a half-eaten sandwich. Very early on, he would tell me how he would fight the ‘badies’ and how he would escape from them. He dreamed of being a super hero and having super powers, even though he had never seen these kinds of shows. It was as if he was born with the idea that the world was not a safe place to be and he was here to save it.
This is very interesting, Carmin, and goes to show that beliefs and ideals can be carried forward from life to life until they are addressed. How powerful are we in the way that we influence one another’s fundamental perceptions of who we are in the world? Are we ready and willing to take responsibility at this level?
I agree this goes well beyond advertising, Carmin, but advertising normalises, confirms and increases those tendencies for sure. Questioning the normality / acceptability of this, as well as offering another way is our way through it – but it will be a long haul as these tendencies are so deeply ingrained and have such an incredibly long history – in terms of us as a species, and for those who acknowledge reincarnation, they may also have a lengthy history on a more individual level.
I work in nursery class in a school and most days watch the boys playing Power Rangers or ninjas and they are only 3 or 4 years old. This behaviour does not seem natural and it is incredible how they have been influenced either by something they have watched or older kids. However as soon as they are hurt they feel the pain but for some it is difficult even at such an early age to stop and show it. It is great that this class of children were given the opportunity to feel and talk about their change in behaviour.
So many, many things are sold to us to portray boys to be a certain way. I went shopping with my 11 year old son recently and he commented to me that it was so difficult to find simple plain T-shirts without, skulls, superheroes, sports or angry tattoo style designs on them. Naturally he was never ever interested in sports or any form of competitiveness and we honoured, so this type of designs did not appeal to him at all. Our shopping trip made us both realise how clothing is marketed in a certain way to promote and assume that all boys like the dark, heavy and scary type designs, to portray a tough and hard facade. Even the colours are much darker and heavier, it was very interesting to observe how much boys and girls are not treated equally. We seem to divide and segregate them and encourage them to feel and be different. The way we parent and educate our children I feel needs to be re-evaluated and questioned on so many levels.
Great questions to ask and to consider for us all. What struck me firstly was how it amazing and empowering it is that you are offering the opportunity for these young children to be aware of how they are feeling and to express it. This in itself is true education, encouraging children to develop their connection to who they naturally are. Very inspirational. I also feel it to be true that we have create a division of what women and men are ‘supposed’ to be and do. The list is endless and imposing. It is one that never considers all that the true essence of a person is, but rather considers you less if you don’t ‘fit in’ to it. Yet it is natural for both men and women to be sensitive, caring, tender and loving. As from within the heart of both and all fighting, which would suggest killing, is not a true expression and not what either truly want to experience.
Sadly, but I have to admit, that as a teenage young woman I was liked by a tender and sensitive boy, and my answer to him was: ‘You are super cute and I like you very much, but I like ‘harder’ or ‘stronger’ boys (can’t remember the exact word) – OUCH! I can say now. So as a young woman I needed someone who could protect me against all adversities of the world. What do we then impose on girls? Weak and helpless.
Yes – for sure, weak, helpless and needy, Sonja: that’s the other side of the coin: you can’t have a protector without someone who needs to be protected…one can’t exist without the other – they support, endorse and validate each other and both are part of a mindset that says this is the way it is – while all along, the way it truly is that we are all lovely, tender, gorgeous divine beings: I am yet to see that on TV.
It is so absurd to impose those concepts of how a girl or a boy should be on children without ever considering that each one is a sensitive and unique human being.
Great sharing Sonja and I can relate to that. I was never attracted to tender and sensitive men. I saw them as soft, nerdy and not strong. Like you, I wanted somebody who would take care of me. The thing is, I was so out of touch with my own tenderness, sensitivity and fragility, that I could not handle the reflection of a man who was showing his tenderness.
If humanity´s only problem were gender identification we still would be in deep trouble – it is massive and age old. Quite some work to do, and this blog contributes to it.
Brilliant blog. I feel we definitely should look at the way we are raising boys and girls. For raising boys I notice too at a very young age they are encourage to be competitive, starting with sports, computer games and even movies. Almost everything we come across is geared towards toughening our boys up and to get rid of their sensitivity as early as possible but this is damaging them more than we realise. Boys are naturally sensitive, caring, tender and beautiful, so are we as parents willing to nurture who they naturally are or choose to conform to society’s needs and beliefs? I say ‘ YES’ to nuture our children to be themselves, to encourage them to express their tender and loving self, to be true to who they are no matter what. To raise children to feel and know exactly who they are.
Great topic to raise. Last year 80% of cases of domestic violence involved men as the perpetrator. Where men are the victims of violence, in the overwhelming majority of cases, the perpetrator was male. What this is telling us is that violence for the most part is a gender based issue. As men, and women, we desperately need to reevaluate the way we bring up boys to become men, because without doubt no one can look in the eyes of a 3 year old boy and believe that such innocence is capable of such cruelty. Tenderness , sensitivity and innocence are not traits one need grow out of in order to be a man.
Good call Adam, could it be that the way we raise our young innocent, tender boys is part of the reason why they become to be aggressive and violent adults?
Indeed, Adam. These are traits that are desperately needed to be expressed by men for the sake of both men and women. They are missing from the world, and need to be reclaimed as being signs of weakness, for they are truly signs of a deep strength in one who allows themselves to feel the world.
Beautifully said Adam, when the tenderness, sensitivity and innocence of young boys is honoured by the ‘grown ups’, as their foundational building blocks through life our boys are raised into the true man they are here to be.
Your accidental experiment has revealed a subject that is crying out for further research. Whether for sociologists, governments or advertisers, the findings would be pivotal in understanding more about our deeply held, widely embedded belief systems about the role of men and the ways in which these are inculcated. Such research could even assist in the path towards the answer to disharmony across the divides, so often these days defaulting straight to military action, the playground of the alpha male archetype.
Reading your words again today Anonymous, I am touched by how the insights you share all came from the fact that you “decided to take a moment”. It’s like this stop offers us the chance to ask – ‘how does this feel? – is this right?’ Because you made this choice, your words offer us all the opportunity to take a moment too and deeply reconsider what it is we hold a Man to be.
Great insights and questions to deeply ponder –’How much do we restrict the choices of our boys, and our men, by these recurring themes and patterns of fighting the enemy and evil?
How can we allow these beliefs about what it is to be a man to shut down their sensitive awareness at such a young age? How many men and boys perceive themselves to be warriors against evil, defenders of home and hearth?’
Actually, it makes sense that boys perceive themselves in this way. For it is natural for a boy and man for that matter to want to care for the world – deeply so. A young boy looks around him and sees the incredible disparity of the world around him, and so it is a natural impulse to want to do something about it. This is why superheroes and the like appeal to him so greatly. The issue is that this impulse to care gets played upon and twisted, so that boys think that they need to take on the worlds problems, and become the ‘fixer’.. And this is where the burdens for a man begin, as he absorbs and thus gets poisoned by all he sees around him. And the very set of tools that enable him to cope with all he sees – his innate sensitivity, tenderness, and delicateness are the very tools that are crushed out of him from a very young age.
Beautifully expressed, Adam: I completely agree that what starts out as a genuine impulse to care deeply is then twisted and distorted beyond recognition. What was potentially the boy’s / man’s caring, evolutionary quality is then used against him and he becomes the puppet of this twisted version, which bears no resemblance to his original and natural impulse.
You have exposed the root of the matter, Adam. Thank you for this insight.
And how many men absolutely tremble in terror that this is a perceived role they should live up to as that is a man’s job?
Every time I express ‘boys and men are equally sensitive and tender as girls and women’, I feel the boy or man drop into his body and let to go of hardening or protection with this confirmation.
‘Are we raising our boys to lose their innate sensitivity and tenderness at an early age?’ It seems to be that we are and in doing so, we lose so much. When a man is connected to his innate tenderness I feel so much strength.
Michelle I agree we do lose so much when we reduce our boys to be considered strong only by their physicality and force. The depth of tender care, sensitivity and wisdom that men truly offer is a gift for us all and one that I love embracing. When met by a man who walks connected to all that he is, I feel met by a quality of love that is in essence a strength that is beyond compare.
I fully agree Carola and I feel inspired and loved by that incomparable strength.
‘have we considered that how the world and all of us lose out when we ask boys to not be themselves’ – that is an awesome question Monica… imagine the tsunami of powerful tender, vulnerable men and the impact that would have on the world!
Why on earth do we feel we have to indoctrinate people to be ‘warriors against evil, defenders of home and hearth’? How have we evolved since the dark ages, or worse still the cavemen of yore. And having created this unknowing army… why are we surprised that when the world lacks purpose (which is what should really be taught) men turn to destructive behaviours that are so rampant the world over?
Very true Simon – well said. Have we not seen it enough times now, that our destructive and violent behaviors only perpetuate more hurt and suffering in the world? There needs to be another path walked as clearly the one that has been repeatedly and carelessly trodden time and time again is not serving us at all.
It is a truly profound line of questioning, Simon. We have accepted that this is a “man’s place” to be the defender, the warrior, and if we are not fulfilling that role then something is wrong and we must go and reclaim it. Thus, we have created this kind of weird cycle where we as a society expect men to behave like warriors and bury anything that they might be feeling as a sign of weakness, and yet are surprised when they freak out and wonder what went wrong when they trash themselves, or beat someone up, or worse and take another’s life. This is not to say that any of that is excusable and is not the man’s responsibility in choosing that course of action, however, the question is are we offering men a different way to be? Are we showing them that there is another possibility?
Wow, this has revealed something that is so very pervasive in a boy’s life, but one I had managed to completely forget about. There is a deeply taught sense of duty to protect “our way of life” that boys take on from an early age. I can remember playing at war or battles as a boy, because that was what my toys were designed for, that was what the stories I read were often about, that was what the movies I saw portrayed: Man’s duty to defeat evil.
But beyond just defeating evil, there is a sense that as a man we must save the world, it is our job. Whether that is the action hero, the genius or the spiritual saviour we are constantly shown that as men we have the potential in us to single-handedly save us all. Whether it is the Superman or Jesus, we are told ‘you can save us all’, but in a way that is not inspiring, but one that says “you have to save us all’. It is a burden that crushes the true innate tenderness that we have within us all and which will truly save us all, but starting with where our true responsibility lies: ourselves.
Maybe one day in the future we will all be able to develop our tenderness and embrace our fragility without any imposition been laid on us no matter what sex we are born as.
I feel the more that this is talked about Kevin the more men will be willing to openly show their tenderness and fragility without feeling uncomfortable or made to feel they are not man enough. We have a responsibility as a society to honour and nurture this side in young boys rather than encouraging them to be an image that most in truth do not want to be.
Thank you for sharing this shocking example of how young we are when we buy into beliefs that then shape our behaviour and our lives Anonymous. I used to teach adults Literacy and found it amazing how when we examined newspaper stories for bias my students had unconsciously taken on whatever was the current media obsession without question, for example in an ESOL (English Speakers of Other Languages) class that migrants were all scrounging benefits even though they and everyone they knew who had not been born in this country was working and contributing to society. Yes we definitely need to look at how we are all imposed upon by beliefs and how this then changes our behaviour detrimentally.
I also love this picture it encapsulates how gorgeous and sweet our men really are.
I agree Vanessa. The contrast shows how far society has taken its ideal of a man from the truth of who is.
I love the picture, too, Vanessa. How could anyone look into those eyes and impose a thirst for war and aggression onto them? What is running those who do precisely that? It appears that they are very much disconnected from who they themselves are.
We need to contemplate very honestly about what it is we are doing when raising our children, most definitely. I too have had experience with teaching boys and on several occasions have had boys talking about crying and how it is normal to feel sad and express this with tears and that it was wrong that they were asked to toughen up and not cry etc. I can imagine your classroom situation and think it would be great to have this published in a mainstream parenting magazine.
I agree Vanessa – this would be an amazing article to publish in mainstream parenting magazines all over the world.
We need to have a new reference point for how we look at young boys. This ‘crazy’ behaviour that can be seen as normal, is actually not, and there is so much imposed on them from young that takes them away from their innate tenderness. Having men returning to living their innate tenderness is a huge support for these boys growing up as they have true role models they can feel safe to be themselves around. As women we can equally support these boys by letting go of our expectations and images of how men are supposed to be.
Yes Amelia, young boys need support from both men and their fathers in being role models of how to be a man and still remain tender and women and mothers can equally support when they live from their gracefullness and stillness which provides a safe space for boys to remain in their sensitivity and gentleness.
Marketing and focus groups spend thousands of dollars looking for exactly this type of response and deem a campaign to have a successful strategy. I love that your article questions what is the impact of bombarding our kids with this over and over again, what are we reinforcing within them.
Absolutely Nicole – for any marketing and focus groups this response would be a sign of success. It would be mission accomplished. Anonymous’ sharing brings up important questions for us to reflect on.
This blog makes me think of the whole pink versus blue topic. At times when I have bought baby clothes for my friends I’ve found it hard to find anything other than pink, blue or white. Its as if already at this very young age we are setting up babies to start to fit into their gender roles. Then you have the toy shops, which I have seen divided into pink and blue sections. Another imposition of what toys a child can choose according to their gender. It’s crazy really considering we are all beautiful tender beings who need not fit into so some ideal or category coming from an external source.
Great points Eleanor. I can feel how much of a healing is offered though this blog as we are invited to consider how deeply embedded these beliefs are in ourselves. Such as how would we feel dressing our boys in pink or if they chose this for themselves? Or if they enjoyed playing with fluffy and soft toys. As there is such a huge force in the world that considers men weak or less if pink, soft or fluffy was a colour or texture of their choice. This is such a measured belief that serves only to reduce the quality of tenderness and fragility that is such a naturally innate strength within us all, including boys and men.
It’s amazing how quickly the boys were affected by the advert. An instant change from the innate tender beings they are to suddenly trying to live up to an imposing image of gender roles. It just shows the power that the images of advertising have on us, and how much it can take us away from who we really are.
I agree Eleanor, this blog highlights the power the advertising images have on everyone, and especially our children, and also highlights the lengths and strategies that companies go to in order to take us away from who we really are….. and then buy their product!
Yes, Eleanor, how quickly we abandon ourselves in reponse to external influences is a telling sign that we are not being brought up as children to deeply honour the essence of our being. What is more important for us to educate our children about, in order to cut the illusion once and for all that we are anything less than divine?
I totally agree Eleanor but also I feel to point out that if our boys are deeply connected to their sensitivity, their inner knowing and themselves, watching these types adverts would most likely not affect them. So this blog also highlights to me to question how are we parenting our young boys, the adverts are one thing but truly it’s our responsibility to nurture and honour our children’s sensitivity and tenderness so when they are exposed to things that encourage them to be a certain way, they can simply observe and not get affected. So, then these adverts are powerless. So to me it really comes down to parenting. Yes, of course outside influences can affect them but not as much as how we are with our children and how we choose to parent. To parent by leading by example, to never impose but to honour who they are and to cherish their sensitivity and tenderness, both boys and girls.
Yes, parenting and how we are with ourselves and others is key. When we listen to the truth within is when these huge advertising companies lose their hold because we no longer give away our power to them. I know this is a choice I have every day, to listen to what is true within or bow to pressure that doesn’t have love at its heart.
I had to study advertising unit last year, I was absolutely astounded at the lengths big companies go to spending millions on research to discover all the societal ideas and beliefs that have been imposed onto us which ones stand out the most will be top sellers, not only that but the willingness to continue to manipulate and confirm that this is what life is meant to be and here is your role. Where does it stop?
I agree Jaime – where does it stop? When do we say ENOUGH?
It really is quite ugly sounding. Millions spent on crushing the natural expression of who we are. It stops when we each one by one stop buying into these ideals and beliefs and support each other to reconnect to the truth of who we are.
Anonymous, since reading your fantastic blog it has left me to ponder on gender and how advertising is a result of the general disconnection we have from ourselves. When we separate from our inner connection we also disconnect with the essence of our gender and the unique power each respective gender has to offer everyone. So considering the world is made up of roughly 50% of each gender it strikes me as one of our greatest fundamental issues- that both genders come to live a lesser and distorted version of themselves. In our distorted versions of a man’s role and a woman’s role some now believe the solution is to see the genders as exactly the same in what they can DO to gain equality without understanding there can be equality even though expressions may be similar in many ways and different, but equal, in other ways. Supporting everyone’s re-connection seems the crux here and then supporting the honouring of the beautiful essence within a man and a woman so that we may know ourselves once again and the reflection the opposite sex has to offer us.
There is alot to consider here, at what point do we stop treating boys as the tender, caring and sensitive babies they come to life as?
Great question Abby. I feels like there seems to be fear around boys expressing their tender, caring, sensitive and loving self, why? It’s because most of the adults are not expressing this themselves, so it may be a bit confronting to see that our children are this way. So it feels better to toughen them up to hide them, but this is a false sense of protection that most parents think is the best option because this is how must adults function, protect, harden and fight. I have observed, perhaps from when boys can start to speak and walk as toddler that this hardening process begins.
Why is it when we admire a truly gentleman, with the qualities of tenderness, understanding and true power, that society appears to want to destroy these natural beautiful and amazing qualities from such a very young age? Imagine if we allowed boys to grow-up with their real potential instead of them being subjected to believing they have to be tough or a certain way to fit in to what is wanted from them and to do differently is to be seen as being weak. No wonder most men find it difficult to express how they truly feel when they have been encouraged to suppress their tender loving feelings from such a young age.
Deidre how true! We all love a gentle, tender man so why on earth would we want to squash this at a very young age? I feel a sadness for the fact that we don’t get to see and feel who they truly are due to this.
Working in childcare I have often seen families where boys I have worked with show these gorgeous tender and deeply loving actions in the early years. It is interesting to observe how years pass and when their younger brothers attend you can see how the older siblings have done a complete back flip in their behaviours and the guarded “tough” exterior starts to show as early as 4 and 5 years old.
It is interesting to observe how these influences are often embedded from a cultural, family or societal expectation of how boys should be in order to fit in – often loosing what the older boys and men are deeply craving from within.
A great blog anonymous highlighting the changes that an advertisement can bring to boys. I remember one of my children were younger and at home and how they would change when they were on the computer and playing those war games with others online. I allowed them to do this but did voice how I felt that they had changed after but it was more from a reaction and not bringing any truth the the situation for them to feel.
There is an enormous power in men and boys staying connected to their tender loving selves and that is the true way and most effective way to fight evil!
Unimedpedia Evil: http://www.unimedliving.com/unimedpedia/word-index/unimedpedia-evil.html give a great understanding as to what the true meaning of evil is. Conditioning of the manner you have so beautifully exposed in this blog is evil.
Yes Nicola so well said. As evil cannot pass through those whose hearts are connected to Love.
What an amazing awareness to have come to and to share with your students anonymous, I really feel there is a lot for us all to consider with what you present. Working with young children I see these impositions occur very early on and have watched how deeply affected many boys are, when underneath it all they are the most gentle, sensitive and loving people. I feel the world misses out big time as the true qualities of these boys is overlooked, instead we buy into the belief that boys should be all about the rough and tumble.
Young boys are so very tender and they do learn from a young age about what being a boy and a man is all about. They learn from the men in their lives and from TV, movies, games, etc – everything external to them, what being a man is about. But most of it goes against their very nature which is to be tender. Unfortunately, tenderness has been mistaken for being a woss or not being a man, but true tenderness is strong and powerful.
I have a 4 year old son and I have witnessed already at this young age in his school, boys behaving in a completely different way to girls. There does seem to be a strong expectation of how boys and girls should behave that starts from very young. I know for a fact that my son was not born hard or in a fighting mood and we have not encouraged him to be this way or any other way, but simply to be himself which from birth has been naturally very sensitive and gentle, very aware and very strong in his presence and confidence and ability to express himself.
Very beautiful to read Andrew, Thank you. The world could do with more parents like you.
Yes, I do believe we need to take a moment and consider this very deeply. These beliefs about what it is to be a man are so heavily ingrained in society that most people are just not aware. The expectations begin before we are even born. Boys are so super sensitive and so deeply caring, yet the culture and society we live in does everything it can to knock this out of them so they think it’s not even there. I love that you had the opportunity to call the behaviour out in the moment to ask them to consider what had happened for them…otherwise it’s just a concept. The fact that they experienced it there and then and had someone right there asking what had happened, is a gesture of love that they will remember forever, a marker that they can come back to, to question their way in life and where it may come from… And to consider that their innate sensitivity and tenderness may actually be the super power that they have always longed for…
Great point Sara, it’s knocked out of them when they are so young so they don’t even know that it’s there themselves, there is something so wrong with this! No wonder so many men are walking around with no idea who they are, become so lost with many ending their own lives due to deep sadness and emptiness they carry.
I agree Kate and Sara, it is knocked out of them so forcefully and so repeatedly older boys will completely deny the tenderness that is their true nature, they adopt an image they think the world wants them to be so effectively they completely forget who they are. Many men live lost and hurt their whole lives.
This blog makes a clear distinction between what is a boy’s natural way, and what has been imposed on them that they have adopted. If we only look at adult men, or older boys we might think that they are naturally competitive and individualistic but this is not true. We have to go all the way back to very young boys to see that a huge amount of tenderness is within them all. Tenderness is so fundamental to a boys essence it is a tragedy that it is discouraged and boys feel all those around them reject them for who they are naturally.
I can feel what you are sharing Bernard and yes it is a tragedy that tenderness is discouraged in boys from such a young ages as they take on the beliefs from the outside of how it is to be a boy/man in this world…… and then to consider the huge impact this has on them as ‘boys feel all those around them reject them for who they are naturally’.
Yes Bernard, it is a tragedy and a loss to us all that our young boys are expected and encouraged from all angles, to override that sweet tenderness they naturally are.
I am Mum to a 6 year old boy. Around age 2-3 he was drawn to super heroes. I played along and let him have free reign with it – books, dress ups, toys. Then one day I realised what a picture I was painting of what a man should be. Tough, big muscles, even angry was considered ok. Communication, tenderness and many other beautiful manly traits were nowhere to be seen. So then we began retraining what a man was, we now are surrounded by beautiful gentle-men and he has more of an understanding about what the “boys” toys are about.
It is a funny thing, because it is so ‘normal’ for boys to play at superheroes we do not think about what it is actually teaching: that overcoming evil in the world is done through violence. Even Superman, one of the heroes often held up as being an aspirational model of how we can all be, solves most of his problems by punching them really hard.
Is this what we actually want to teach children to be?
Gorgeous sharing Nikki. I also have a son and he never expressed interest in super heroes, he is now 12 and still is not interested. So, I am very intrigued as to why some boys are more attracted to being super heroes, being big, tough and muscly and others are not. I feel it’s partially related to what they are exposed to at a young age but most of it is related to how much of their natural essence they themselves choose to express or suppress.
I say ‘yes’ anonymous, we do need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and yes, it is clear just from your one example that we are imposing on them at a very tender age. The impositions start very, very, very early on, they must do in order to illicit such different behaviours from the little girls around them. Both boys and girls are naturally tender and sensitive, yet we find it necessary to toughen up the boys and feed them a reason for it, rather than confirm them in their delicate loveliness.
It is fantastic that you have shared this blog and exposed what is really happening for boys. What I loved was the wisdom that the boys expressed about what they are feeling too. I am still surprised at the way we raise boys and girls differently and to the level which we account behaviours as just being because “they are a boy” or “that’s just what boys do”. I am so grateful to Universal Medicine and the Students of the Livingness who have shown me living examples of how tender, delicate and loving boys can be when raised without the “pictures” of how we think they should be or are supposed to be.
The imposition that starts at an early age makes that men when they are older, still have this feeling that they have to be tough, hard and have everything under control. I feel there is more pressure, tension and depression among men than we care to admit.
Yes i agree Mariette – there is a lot more going on than what is being openly expressed.
What I love about this blog is the beauty of you anonymous and your ability to observe children in your class and note when behaviour got out kilter. To then stop the video and begin to communicate with them and encourage reflection is the mark of a sensitive and evolved teacher
I agree Kehinde2012, this is a brilliant blog written by a brilliant teacher. I too was amazed and appreciated how the situation in the classroom was handled. What a blessing it is for these children to have such an amazingly supportive, loving and sensitive teacher. The world definitely needs more teachers like this.
Great point and one step towards our true making, one without gender differences.
This is so power-full and shows what we are creating in society. This is pretty huge, the expression of the girls what they observed how the boys reacted. It is amazing what you teach here, this is true teaching expression-observation-reflection, teaching awareness and what is so natural there. Thank You for sharing this with all of us. This is so amazing that it’s out there now for everyone to be aware of, ponder and act on.
Absolutely Amina, by telling them so to stop being themselves and replace this for behaviours of ‘fight’ and ‘protect’ makes the world indeed a very hard place – totally unnessesary. Like you shared Amina, let’s feel what is going on and get to the bottom of this, and change. Time to honour all the young and old men for who they naturally are. We can all support each other to educate our young to love them for who they are – no matter what beliefs these might break.
What this confirms to me is the insidious nature of the advertising industry. That the whole nature of advertising has moved from bringing awareness to something of benefit to people/humanity, to manipulating people/humanity/children into harmful behaviours and false beliefs and ideals. Tragic.
‘Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?’ What a pertinent question, and evidently, yes, we do need to consider this. Thank you for writing about this concerning observation.
There is so much to talk about in this blog. At the moment, it is the acceptance and even encouragement of previous generations that support these beliefs and that men do the fighting. Tradition holds this belief firmly. Medals are given for heroism and the killing of others in the defense of your country, it is hard to escape this belief.
I find it devastating that boys are encouraged to ‘act like a man’ and to ‘be tough’ when they are still little boys, they are clearly not men and very far from being a man, especially when you are only five or six years old.
Matthew, the word devastating is what keeps coming for me too – it must feel Devastating for young boys to have the tenderness squeezed out in place of being tough and always ready to fight, whether they are being told directly or shown through television and older boys and men in their lives. Just as devastating would be for a man to hold his tenderness but to live with the sense that he is wrong and less of a man for this.
I find it interesting, Matthew, with regards to the medal giving,that even at Primary School, children are awarded medals and ribbons for being successful in sport – in the same way we award medals for heroism in War. This suggests to me that the giving of medals and other awards is something associated with getting children / people to do something that they might not naturally do: otherwise, why would we need to offer them this false honouring by the giving of a medal?
When I do something that is true, from my heart, I have no need of a medal or certificate to prove I have down well: it feels lovely within me. So reward seems to be an inducement to me, to go against one’s inner nature.
I agree with you here Anon, a reward does seem to be an inducement to go against one’s inner nature and I see this at work where young children will all of a sudden say I can do this or that when there is a mention of a reward or medal by other Educators. It’s quite sad really.
What a great blog raising the awareness of honouring our very innate essence and how we are conditioned and raised to be the very opposite and to not honour all we feel. All boys are born naturally sensitive and tender and it is not being acknowledged as this that causes the hardness ,hurts and protection they build up and fighting the evil way of being. This supports wars and fighting and could be very different. Honouring our true qualities and divinity will change the way we grow up and live and this will be an amazing evolution for humanity , our children both boys and girls our education system and the world in general. thank you anonymous
You blog highlights clearly how society imposes upon us how we are to be. This happens practically from the outset of birth, with the colour of the clothes and the type of toy determined by the child’s gender.
It is awesome you are sharing your experience here! I wasn´t aware of the warrior and saving the world image, that boys get infiltrated so much. But it makes total sense. I find it sad, that they are not raised honouring their sensitivity and instead putting on this mask of being always ok and crying is not allowed and weak.
Interesting though that girls get influenced in another way of: one day, they´ll find the hero/ THE man and they´ll be happy there after. But only if you look and behave a certain way . Crazy… And we wonder why gender equality is not working ?!
I see boys my daughters age (6) tearing around with no apparent gentleness, I know it must be in there somewhere but to the observer it seems far removed. This is a great question, is it how they have been raised or do me carry over this rough and readiness from lives of having to fight wars and be the protector. I for one, if I had to fight a in a war would rather go into it with with little sensitivity and gentleness for the tasks that lay ahead. Heaven forbid this ever happen.
This blog has surely opened up a can of worms. From as early as I remember with cowboy and indian and war films their was always the heros that all boys wanted to be like. John Wayne, Errol Flynn, these were the guys that were showing us what real men were supposed to be like. My God looking back some of it was completely outrageous with John Wayne striking a woman to the ground who was showing him disrespect. Whats this supposed to be showing us?
Spot on Kevin.. and how about this one for the modern role model for women… that they are now joining the men – becoming the heroes, the superspy, the killer. Instead of showing what an incredible influence women can have in bringing men back to their fragility and vulnerability – modern icons seem to be determined to show that women can do the same thing… evenin in ‘broken heels’ (to coin a phrase from a popular song).
I see that, too, Simon. It starts young the girls see it as a form of equality that they are now allowed to play rugby with the boys! To me it feels twisted that I could say, “I’m equal to men now because I can go to war and fight too.” What is influencing those who see this as a step forward in gender equality – to allow everyone not to be true to themselves!
Anonymous,this is a great question, ‘How much do we restrict the choices of our boys, and our men, by these recurring themes and patterns of fighting the enemy and evil?’ As the mother of a young boy I would say that from what I observe society really restricts the choice of boys and men, everything boys are told to be is so narrow, it is about ‘being strong’ ‘being tough’, ‘being a real man’, when I look for presents or clothes for my son or my partner the choices are so limiting, for my son there are cars, trains, dinosaurs, super heroes, toy guns and swords and not much more, the teddies and more sweet and gentle toys get less and less the older they get and for men, the choices seem to be for around car care, socks, beer and not much else, nothing to honour their natural sensitivity and sweetness, this is very capping for boys and men.
Wow what an impact is advertising having, and how easily an ad can change the behaviour of children. I feel the responsibility comes down to us as parents, how are we bringing our children up, are we teaching them and allowing them to connect to their tenderness, sensitivity or are we getting caught in the ideas and beliefs and imposing them on our children. There is lots for us to ponder on, if we want to make a change in humanity, we all need to start within our homes, for the ripple to spread.
What is so interesting to consider here is how exploitative advertising can be, essentially for the purpose of driving profit margins. Advertising made by people who themselves were exposed to advertising as children, so no one is to blame, but we all are responsible for the place that advertising has come to by not speaking up and stating what has clearly been happening for quite some time.
Yes Shami the advertising is harmful and shameless but it only works because it plays into what we already have accepted in our society. There is a lot we can do in our everyday lives to expose the impositions and allow our boys to grow up knowing themselves, it is in our communities that the corrections need to be made.
How beautiful to teach about the affects of advertising at this age. As you say anonymous this is very empowering for the children as they are so deeply affected by what is presented to them in the media. To teach our children to be who they are above all that is so needed in a time where there are very few true role models and everything is telling them to be something they are not.
The question that comes up for me after reading this very powerful blog is if there would still be an enemy to fight if all boys (and girls) were left to be who they truly are in their natural expression of tenderness, sensitivity and brotherhood.
Anonymous could this be the seed that gets sowed that then leads men into a lifetime of competition with other men ? The battle is the ultimate example of competition and men seem to spend their relationships with other men competing, who has the best car, golf clubs, house, pay packet; a lifetime of mini battles with bogus enemies and all because a rogue seed has been planted when they were little, misguiding them as to the true purpose of life. What if we planted a different seed ?
Anonymous you have gotten right under the skin of the subject here and caused me to remember how when I used to play with my boy, every game seemed to end up in a battle of good versus evil. I can remember trying to encourage him to play a game that didn’t incorporate a battle but there was such a heavy pull that it was nigh on impossible.
Yes – I ran a challenge recently, Alexis, for my students to come up with a non competitive ball game….eventually we got there, although some of the boys ended up making it a competition with themselves…it will be a long haul this one, I feel.
Yes Marika I agree… it’s many years since l’ve been able to watch commercial television, even the volume goes up several notches when ads come on… that in itself is very imposing.
Thanks Anonymous even reading through you blog I was aware of feeling the tension created by suggesting that perhaps we can foster boys grow to up retaining their tenderness and sensitivity. Our society is so geared to herald anything but, and your example is a classic one of the conditioning that’s so entrenched it would seem to be ‘just the way boys are. The saying ‘boys will be boys’ comes to mind… and breaking this down will be huge..
It is for sure that boys are imposed upon from society and i can tell for myself that I have never felt comfortable with the image that was presented to me, to be hard and tough, to be the protector and provider and so much more. Although I have taken on some of these during my life they never felt being complimentary to who I truly am. Sins I am participating in presentations and workshops from Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I have been unraveling all these false images I have i had accepted as being me, and under all these images I have found who in essence I am, a very tender and sensitive man, that is equally loving to a woman. This is where I belong as there is no ounce in me that has to fight or provide, to be hard or tough but all is focused on having loving relations with all people I live and work with.
Dear Anon
This is completely and utterly brilliant. What you have observed and hence revealed for all to read is truly life changing. For us to realise the depth of how impacted we get from such a young age is a true support for us to start to truly see where we are getting it so wrong. No one can deny we are getting out of control as a society, perhaps you have just given us the answer. The impositions placed on us from an early age and how they impact on us.
What an amazing opportunity to see such immediate effects of the messages we are being sold though the media… and at the same time deeply disturbing of the reality in which we have created. I have never seen any kind of advertising that has encouraged or nurtured a man to honour his tenderness and sensitivity and as a result find myself saddened by men today who suppress these inner qualities under the belief they need to protect and stand strong and even fight at the expense of their own heart and who they innately are.
As a female I can feel that there is no part of me that would want to have to fight and defend in physical battle so why would it be any different for a male? It says a lot about gender conditioning. If anyone has spent time with a boy, before he is given a toy gun or sword and before he has watched too much TV, the tenderness and sweetness in his touch and cuddles is undeniable. Yet we struggle to consider this is the true nature of men and don’t realize how inescapable the conditioning forces that boys face are.
The most important issue here is that many people don’t see boys being rough and tough a problem. It is a generational cycle that has continued on repeat. We don’t see our boys as not being tender I problem, which is sad in it’s self. Instead what wakes us up to the issue of boys no longer being tender and sweet from when they were little is the manifestation of a man who is capable of Domestic Violence and other forms of abuse.
Until we realise that boys being bought up in a way that is described in this blog is not heroic but leads to many issues that continue to plague of society and the world.
True Luke… we don’t seem to have the joined up thinking that might mean society (and that is all of us) has to take responsibility for our part in preparing our boys for a life of violence.
I agree Luke, the man capable of domestic violence or rape or abuse is not a random occurrence, not with the numbers rising as they are. They are a product of the same upbringing or almost every man, one that tells them that to be or do anything ‘like a girl’ is shameful and bad, and that they must be tough and ‘be a man’ no matter how they feel. Then as they grow up, they start to see the disrespect of women in the media, perhaps by adult men around them. The phrase ‘boys will be boys’ is used when they begin to call girls disrespectful names, bully them or be rough with other boys. All of this and much more is contributing to the reality of violence and abuse we have today. Obviously, there is also rising statistics or violence against men as well, its not one sided, but when we start to bring our boys up to be more loving, tender and themselves, girls will feel this and feel safe to also be themselves, not to be heard and compete with the men.
The true evil in the world is that which prevents us from knowing and living the truth of who we are. The ideals of men having to fight “evil” and hence forsake what is their natural tenderness is the precise evil itself.
Thank you so much Anonymous, this is so important to expose. I always loved studying advertising at school, and learning about the manipulation that takes place. What you have described here certainly takes it to another level. We need to be observing this level of detail in how things affect people, especially television and media. Children are bombarded with this currently from all sides and enough recognition of the effect this is having is not happening on a wide basis. I love that you are supporting children in this way Anonymous, as it is what is needed the world over.
This is an amazing example of the impact of marketing, media and advertisements have on the impressionable young. It is so good to read how, as a teacher in that moment, you had a discussion with the children to work out for you and for them what happened. What a lesson they certainly received then, about the impact TV/internet advertising has on them.
Taking this moment to ponder on what you have presented here, I cannot help but feel how devastating it is to impose any ideal or belief onto anyone.. I am so appreciative for all you have shared in your experience and the detail of the reactions you encountered and this supports a greater awareness and opportunity for more observation in what is really going on in our communities and the world as a whole. It’s obvious that as babies, each young boy is equally as precious as every young girl and this fact is something to be nurtured and supported for all of our sakes.
This is amazing. Thank you for sharing. It’s rather shocking to know that it only takes just one single advert to influence children enough to be overtaken by a projected image of how they should be instead of who they naturally are.
And when this is what has been going on day in day out, generation after generation – we are properly set up to be lost from who we are. When the media, school, the parents – everywhere we look comes with no trust for our innateness to be left alone to form a beautiful, powerful human being, but instead buys into the imposed images of how we should be as quickly as they can. “Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?” – definitely. The strength of a man is not the ability to beat another up.
The strength of a man is not the ability to beat another up. That is beautifully expressed, Fumiyo.
Feels like this touches on the ‘provider’ role which many men adopt even unconsciously and frequently slip into. That we have to defend, protect, secure and provide is a big identification factor and does not allow that natural sweet innocence to be expressed. It actually forms a hardness, a protection, a comfort that does not allow the world to see who the man truly is on the inside.
Remarkable to read about the reactions of the kids and changes… be interesting to see what age or how young they actually were since the conditioning of such auto-pilot behaviour and attitudes would have arisen at a much earlier stage… which would show just how young we are programmed by advertising. We cannot stop the force of advertising or promotion of gender specific roles, though we can as parents confirm the kids from birth in who they are, and the beauty of their naturalness to hold them steady in life.
The messages boys are receiving today through avenues that kids are accessing like video games and music videos are increasingly violent and particularly against women. These images are having a very real impact on kids and they are receiving these constantly. We need to have these discussions so that kids can start to express how they actually feel about these.
I agree Kristy, opening these discussions to kids is imperative as from my experience the boys I have spoken to say that ‘it is just a game , it is not real’ but when you get them to express about how it feels playing and then how they feel after, they will admit it makes them act crazy. Getting them to express is the only way we can encourage them to feel the impact these games are having on their behaviour so they can begin to connect to just how ‘real’ these games actually are.
The advertising industry has an enormous amount to answer for, it is an industry that deliberately feeds on the lies and ill-beliefs society has placed itself under. In many ways, the advertising industry and the images and ads it constantly bombards ourselves with is a reflection of how far away from ourselves we have actually gone.
The problem is the lack of responsibility… advertising is designed to sell products, usually through the successful sale of an image, backed up even more strongly by someone who typifies that image… just layer upon layer of reinforcement for traditional or ‘aspirational’ roles. However the success of a short term campaign comes at what cost to us as human beings.
I’ve seen this play out with my two boys and their friends, whenever an ad comes on for some war like shooting game or elite sports, their agitated and excited and talking about how they get buy it or get it. The advertising agencies know this. What is beautiful thought with your story Anonymous is how the boys were held with an understanding that how they reacted was not them, because the girls and yourself know them so well, and know this is out of character for them. This is the real healing here, instead of what many many in society say is ‘Boys will be boys’ or ‘That’s boys for you!’. It is an absolute disrespect and rejection of who they are when we treat them like this, and we miss out on
Thank you Aimee, this reinforces the truth of the blog. I love how the girls around who knew the boys so well could see that something that had got into them, an imposed belief that made them behave so differently. It is so loving for the girls to confirm to the boys who they truly are so that they come back to themselves. Saying boys will be boys is just encouraging irresponsible behaviour.
I agree Aimee, ‘ It is an absolute disrespect and rejection of who they are when we treat them like this, and we miss out on’ . . . this also creates the divide between the genders that lead on to all sorts of behaviours that allow abuse and denigration in relationships between men and women that are based on these learned attitudes and seemingly harmless comments such as ‘Boys will be boys’
Yes – these ads hook boys by getting them all agitated and overly excited, and so, out of themselves. This feels to me how war has also been played out: much music, a narrative a heroism, a truckload of false beliefs, adrenalin – then the men will fight: but it’s not them fighting – it’s the elevated and disconnected version of themselves that does so.
I have observed this in primary school and birthday parties that my children have attended. There can be an over excitement that leads to a disconnection with others around them. It is like they are captured in a ‘surreal’ reality, where there is either right or wrong and any one perceived as different or ‘bad’ is bashed. I find that many TV shows for both girls and boys use this as their main narrative. That some how life is abour right or wrong and the ‘baddie’ willl be annihilated rather than that they learn from anything they have done to harm another. My son is being supported to express who is he is, and he has recenty started school, he relates no more to what is ‘perceived boy stuff’ than ‘girl stuff’ and he honours how he feels and does not feel to play the fighting games that are condoned in the playground. It is not necessarily ‘normal’ for boys to want to bash each other, self expression is what is ‘normal’ how people feel without the impostion of cultural, ads and TV saying ‘be tough’ and ‘don’t show your feelings’. I find it it interesting concerning mothers in this stiatuion, becasue they are prodomiantly the carer givers for their children and I have often heard women berate thier husbands for not being caring enough, expressive and sentivitve and yet the attitude that a boy should not cry when he falls, or play with dolls or like pink prevails. We have an opportunity, here, we do not need to be crushed by the general media and society, we can say no to having it in our homes and challenge assumptions in society, children can grow up with their own feelings and qualities honoured and expressed. As parents we support the growth of fathers and mothers, women and men, of the future, we have a choice how we commit to that.
There’s no doubt how much TV and advertising impact children. What’s really tragic about it is kids take on beliefs that impact their whole lives and all based on how the media/advertising manipulates to sell its products.
Yes Melinda, some of the kids at my centre, talk about some of the characters as if they are real people. It really pulls them in.
Wow!- what an incredible observation displayed by young boys showing us how TV advertisements directly affect them and incite a belief of how they should respond- to be a man they need to fight and protect others; to fight off evil.
How fantastic that you are able to expose to them their change of behaviour and let them know that it is not who they naturally are- which is the tenderness, sensitivity and innocence of a child.
A number of poignant questions raised at the end of this blog, none more so for me than ‘Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?’ It seems apparent that we have so many different ideals and beliefs of what a man should be and what he should do. I found that growing up was not easy because of my sensitivity and the way to deal with that seems to be to bury what you feel, find activities which cause hardness, such as sport or heavy exercise or numbness, such as more sport, drink or drugs. Being able to develop a relationship with my own tenderness and sensitivity has been amazing and I deeply appreciate being inspired constantly by Serge Benhayon and others I have met through Universal Medicine.
Very beautiful to read and feel Michael from a man who has allowed himself to return to his sensitivity and tenderness. Thank you.
Amazing to be able to witness this first hand Anonymous! We talk about advertising having an influence, but seeing it unfold just like you have really slaps us in the face with it. I don’t think we really really want to know just how affected we actually are, because that would require steps to regaining our power and taking responsibility.
Yes Elodie, how many teachers have the skills and love for themselves to be able to support a group of children like this…not many is my guess. Not that they don’t care, just that they don’t have the awareness and/or tools to be able to.
All that has been expressed about impositions on young boys I can vouch is true. It is also true that the very deep sensitivity and tenderness never leaves, it just gets buried and it is never too late for a man to let go of the rough and tough protector image and reclaim that essentially delicate way of being. Part of this healing is connecting with our innate knowing of that essence and taking responsibility of the fact that we also played a part in choosing to leave it.
By rejecting the very tender, deeply sensitive and gentleness of OUR young boys we hurt them deeply, a scar that can remain throughout our adult life’s, as men we then find our role in life, like a protected bubble around us that never really lets anyone see our true tender selves.
We become experts in functioning in this way, and can be in a relationship, have a family, be really good at our job and be seen from all accounts to be successful and doing very well.
But is the world really getting the full expression of gentle tender men, or have we men become experts at deceiving ourselves, the person we are in a relationship with, and all others, in presenting a role, that fulfills what we are need to be, rather than the gorgeous tender, caring men we all intrinsically are?
Anonymous, thank you so much for sharing this experience with us. I feel it so exposes just what is going on for our young boys, they are faced so young with these pictures in their minds of what it is to be a man through this sort of material as well as through the role models that they see, and how we inadvertently bring them up. We need to see what is happening here, they are not given time to just be the lovely tender, vulnerable beings that they truly are. They should be treasured for that, rather than being taught to toughen up and ‘be a man’. Their responsibilities will come, they need to be little boys and to know who they are, and how important it is to be themselves, have feelings and be able to express themselves and how they feel. They need that grounding in their lives to then grow up to be responsible loving adults. How different they could then be in relationship with others.
When I see little girls and boys playing together I have noticed how gentle tender and caring they are, equally so, when the little boy falls over he cry’s and feels the pain in the same way little girls do. What’s interesting is how parents often respond to this, when the little girl comes crying that she has hurt herself or is upset she is generally held and listened to and supported, where as the little boy can sometimes be treated in a different way with less care and tenderness and told, for example things like: ‘its ok mate, toughen up, be strong be a man’ don’t be a girl, baby’s cry’, Etc. So are we giving our boys and girls very different messages of how they have to be in the world, through our own insecurity’s and un-dealt with issues of being a man or woman?
The very high and escalating suicide rates with young males, in Australia and worldwide beg us to question what is going on with us men?
In many environments if as a boy you cannot mold yourself into the rough tough boy, then man role that can be imposed upon us, and one is deeply sensitive, feeling and tender, one can feel extremely separate, lonely and begin to start self loafing and hate oneself, rejecting the tender nature and the fact that we feel so much, and as men we should be strong, is it possible that the intensity of feelings are too much, and people feel driven by this intensity to take their own lives?
I found it fascinating how the boys in your class at such a young age had such a clear picture and strongly held belief of their role as boys and men, by us not valuing their tenderness and sensitivity they feel hurt and rejected, in this state of rejection as boys we quickly look for our role or identity try to be liked and loved, what ever that may look like, we might become very good at something or choose to rebel and drop out of life, and continue this constructed way of being into our adulthood, never again daring to show the world our tender gentle nature as men.
This is the very isolated lonely existence that many men live in not daring to show others our tender deeply caring nature, because the risk of being rejected again is too devastating.
My personal experience is that as a man in the new role as having a family, I carry many un-examined beliefs and picture of what it means as a man to have a family. For example, I feel I need to be the provider the one that holds it all together, the solid foundation who buries his feelings and tenderness, and gets the work and household tasks done, not allowing myself to feel and trust the support that’s there. In this self imposed role I sometimes feel burdened and can be serious and not much fun to be around, it comes from a sense that I need to defend and protect my family.
Upon reading this blog it occurred to me that this set up requires boys to have an enemy to conquer or a cause to fight for. He is looking at everyone as a potential enemy or at least someone to compete with. Judgment, taking sides, and excluding anybody who is different begins. How insidious are these ingrained belief that go against ones true nature?
Advertising can be a truly powerful tool if it can help us reconnect to the love we are by way of informing us of products and services that support this re-development. This means that no matter what the service or product, what is being sold comes from people who are connected to what is truly best for us a race re-learning how to be at One with each other, Brotherhood in it’s truest sense. Advertisers in turn need to also be connected to this so what they say will not impose but rather assist the consumers to consume what is true rather than consume what is not. We got it all wrong when we made it about self and thus now seek to ‘sell’ something that does naught to alleviate our collective suffering, but simply puts more money in our pocket and great expense to others. Far from assisting with a more harmonious way of living, the bulk of advertising as it currently stands does exactly what this blog described – it AGITATES us. Once agitated in this way, we lose our stillness and connection to all that is true and start living all that is not.
Yes I agree Liane the difference between what advertising could bring and the agitation it does bring is enormous. Time to learn to discern so we can show our children how they can discern; then and only then will things change as the hold highly manipulative advertising has over us will be broken.
Yes – I agree, Liane. If we had examples of true advertising in the way you describe, everyone would be able to discern that they have a choice in what is and is not true and acceptable for them in this area.
Since I was a teenager my only wish was to work in the Advertising area but they did not want me. I was very sad about it and felt very much rejected as I was sure to bring a new perspective. As I am getting older I was happy not to end up working in this – what you so wonderful expressed as agitated area Liane – as I find out that the people who are working there are mostly very much exhausted and not living in a healthy way. I agree advertising as we find it today is really not it and it needs a complete change. It is so sad that this area is so far away from what they really can offer humanity.
It’s great that you have used your experience with your class to raise awareness on this issue. Perhaps you could write for some parenting forums or magazines or for some teaching publications, to reach a wider audience.
That is an awesome idea Emma – to write about this in all these ‘platforms’ really would be a huge service.
There is so much depth of awareness you offer us to ponder on. At this moment I’m struck by how the advertising companies exploit the cultural conditioning.
We as the guardians and careers of young people have a responsibility for their well being yet we ignore so much under what is the ‘accepted norm’.
I have not had a boy myself, I am raising a girl but I wholeheartedly agree with what you have pointed out in how our culture puts a heavy burden on men from a young age to fulfill the tough protector role. I see that it can be common to say to boys ‘don’t be silly, stop crying, it wasn’t that bad’ when sensitive young boys cry about disharmonious family dynamics or getting physically hurt. It breaks my heart to see it playing out. I also see friends of mine choose to honour the sensitivity of their boys and comfort them when they cry and it is very beautiful. I feel that men and women alike are drawn into the toughness and then we put it onto our children, I don’t think it is solely an issue with boys. We are all deeply sensitive and feeling but often have a hard time showing it. As parents (and all of us who come into contact with children, which is most of us) we need to nurture this sensitivity in ourselves and then we can turn these cultural beliefs on their head and start to let boys be who they are.
This is a great example of the subtle (not so subtle, just ignored) daily influence that we are all subjected to, or more correctly bombarded by, in the world in which we live. We have created a way of living that incites us to be ‘all that we are not’, in a desperate effort to be seen and heard. We vie against each other daily often unaware of the extent we compare and compete with our fellow humans. The men try to outdo the men in constant competition in fear of being rejected. The women try to outdo the women in perpetual comparison, fueled by their self-loathing. Then the genders turn on each other. Throughout history we have been governed by matriarchies and patriarchies that then lead to misogyny and misandry as greater and greater we ‘divide’ the genders. Sexism is alive and thriving in our 21st century way of living. The truth is that deep down we are both the maleness and femaleness (androgynous) in our expression as a Soul. But because we run from this innate expression, we turn instead to the human spirit, the one who is thirsty for recognition and hungrily driving the human body onwards in a quest to be the best, at great expense to those it shares the world with.
Everything you say here Anonymous is completely true. We are poisoning and thus retarding the development of children from being the extremely sensitive, caring, tender and exquisite beings WE ALL ARE beneath the layers of what we have allowed to be imposed on us. The way through this is to stop and take stock of what we have created thus far and honestly ask ourselves – is it really working? Do we have greater harmony in the world today or have we just found new ways to abuse and impose by disguising it in more discreet forms such as the advertising mentioned here? This is a great blog because it starts the conversation we so desperately need to have.
I feel this is going to be a very looooooong conversation, Liane, and justifiably so.
Yes Anon, it seems that way – shows how important this topic is and how everyone connects deeply to this too, feeling the urgency probably as well for much needed change…
Anonymous you have presented a very powerful experience and what an experience for the children in your class to be able to observe and discuss. The subtleties of advertising in it’s many forms and how easily we are influenced by the many very message that are conveyed through the advertising. Your example really highlights to me that “everything is energy” and that we are “subjects of energy”.
When I look at young children they are so sweet and so I was horrified as I was reading this that these are the beliefs that they are carrying at such a young age. Reading this it helps us to see that we may often be behaving in ways that are underpinned by certain beliefs we have about how we should be. I Love the fact that you stopped to ask the class what was going on, as this would have really supported them to talk it out, as so often as children we are silenced and there is no space given to discuss these things.
What an important blog, and one that ought to be published widely in the media. We have a terrible problem with men acting out in violence, and it is worldwide. We have terrorism, we have alcohol driven violence in social settings, violent outbreaks at sporting events and levels of domestic violence that have social services completely helpless to act – most of it enacted by men.
Are men innately violent?
When we look at a 3 year old boy we can see nothing other than sweetness with occasional outbursts in tantrums – no different to a little girl of the same age.
Surely there is something we are doing to instil aggression in men. I feel you have offered something here. So little and already they are taking on the burden of defenders against evil.
I thank you for this blog and your observations. They would make for a great study…some sociological science of true value.
Are any of us innately violent, Rachel? Innately – not so, in my experience. Investigating and discussing precisely the factors that instil violence is indeed a worthwhile study. If there is no funding available for such research, one would then need to go deeper into what is behind the factors that instil such aggression and I’ve a sense that could be very revealing in and of itself also.
Rachel this is a very important point you raise…that boys are not naturally aggressive or violent in any way. If men choose this has a behaviour, it’s still not who they are.
When a boy is told to stop acting like a girl and any tender gesture is quashed and discouraged he feel like his true nature cannot be known or lived and a big part of this boy is shut down as he becomes competitive. He might not show it but part of him is resentful of having their tenderness stolen. Ridiculously aggression is instead replaced as being acceptable for boys and men. The worldwide violence we suffer from is a result of how we treat our boys.
I agree Rachel that we all do not like the acts of violence, aggression and greed that men choose across the world both on a local and international scale but are we actually creating this situation by imposing on our boys in this way from a young age?
It truly seems that way Andrew, from a very young age – as an example there is a family that I know where the little boy who was 7 at that time, received an R rated video game for Christmas. Mum did not approve, but did not take it away as it was a gift from his dad … the game was high level violence….
This is a great expose Anonymous, and I feel there is more to this too in that it starts earlier than school. When a young boy I know went to kindergarten at age 4 he stopped crying when he hurt himself – it was so clear a decision on his part. I don’t know what was said or what he saw but this was the choice he made, and it didnt matter what I said about being sensitive, that it was ok to feel the hurt and ok to cry, that he knew he could cry at home, he has rarely cried since. I also observed this happen in other boys that age, and in friends boys a few years later when they also went to kindy at age 4. This was 14 yrs ago…I wonder if this is now happening earlier as children go into day care and the influences of these societal beliefs are imposed upon them at younger ages?
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing this experience with us. While what you share is very revealing if how our society puts pressure on our men, something that as a woman I too have put upon my husband. What I found lovely in your sharing is the trust that your class has in you to be able to speak so openly about how they felt. This is so very beautiful to feel.
Hear hear Leigh – yes that resonated with me too, and it just shows the love Anonymous offered when observing and subsequently addressing this issue in such a safe way, that the children felt safe to express.
This gives an insight into targeted advertising and the effect it can have. What stood out for me was that an add for a building block product could have such a profound effect on the boys. What’s more they were able to verbalise the effect it had had. So often we watch advertising thinking it’s just giving us information but clearly there is a lot more going on then meets the humble eye. Companies spend millions and millions on advertising each year and they do a lot of research into what works and what doesn’t. This is again clearly a targeted advertising campaign that has little to do with the actual product and is more about pulling a reaction out of the children. Then if we look at the reaction from only the boys you can see how stereotyped this is, building blocks that cause young boys to defend themselves and others? You can’t rely on just what you see, there is a lot more going on.
Get those little boys to react and they become demanding consumers.
When the boys are so intense in their behaviour, as anonymous described in this article, it must seem to be easier to go and buy the boys the toys.. Skilled marketing for sure. That the young boys are ruined in the process doesn’t get factored into the corporate balance sheets.
Worse still this is just one facet of the many forces pushing our boys into one way of being a man.
You have me pondering Anonymous how it felt to be a young boy. I remember literally putting on this act of what we think a man is, just like you would put on a coat. Amazing that you could notice this and discuss this as group. Its like these concepts of strength, fear and protection are baked in to our society encouraging us to ‘fight of flight’. It is truly revolutionary then to cherish the sensitivity that allowed your class to feel and explore this situation. What a lesson for us all in honouring the deep tenderness we all have naturally.
What you share here is so important to deeply analyze and get understood what is getting triggered in boys, where these beliefs already have come from and what may be the underlying true strength, that is so subtle addressed with e.g. those advertising. So we are able to really support young boys in their natural way of being and they are able to grow up, developing their beauty, tenderness and strength with no hesitation to contribute. What you are doing as a teacher, anonymous, is profound very much appreciated. I take my hat off to you and thank you for what you are supporting for us all.
I agree, Stefanie: asking where those beliefs have come from to be already so well formed and active by age 10 is certainly a question worth much contemplation; the effects of these beliefs are astonishing and I would have been incredulous of these attitudes and behaviours had I not witnessed this outplay of them first hand myself.
Beautifully put and much is said here for us to deeply consider. Yes, boys are deeply sensitive and when this quality is nurtured we experience the beauty of tenderness that is there innately in boys as it is in girls.
Well said Donna and this tenderness can then be seen in Adults. They need permission to trust it is ok to feel that again.
Yes just beautiful, and at times we find that quite a few boys are expressing and being much more tender than some girls that I know and have seen interact … Just because a girl is a girl does not make her tender and gentle per se either, this too can often be suppressed through the environment and experiences made…
What I find fascinating as well is that we have a society that is a certain way with boys and men displaying certain ideals and beliefs as are girls and women. Yet if we would raise our children without these ideals and beliefs and make it about love, joy and tenderness maybe the hardness and toughness does not need to be there at all. If there would be no hardness and aggressiveness in us there is also no place for wars, armed forces and boys feeling like they have to protect the world.
Well said Lieke. Much of the planet is walking around with ingrained ideals and beliefs towards being tough, strong and not showing any sensitivity or fragility. These en-masse individual relationships with hardness mean that our world is now a place where wars and fighting is acceptable.
I did not know this kind of research is done but it is really cool. Especially how you take it further than just the results for the research but really look at what it means for the whole of us as humanity to have young boys act like this.
Thank you anonymous for presenting us with such a clear and insightful example of how young boys are manipulated to take on the ‘tough hero’ roll from so very young. Is it any wonder that men find it difficult to connect to their own innate tenderness and fragility when from a very early age they have been abused in this way?
Anonymous – what a poignant blog this is to read – I found it quite shocking to read the boy’s reply to why they had become agitated. How blessed they are to have you as a teacher who is prepared to discontinue a lesson and explore what has gone on in the class in circumstances like this.
“The boys then explained that they had become so animated because they have to fight evil and that evil is the enemy, the bad people and the dark forces. They agreed with each other that this is a ‘man’s job’, hence why the girls remained unaffected. Moreover, ‘everyone knows’ that this is the way it is, they explained”.
This is a very important point you are raising, I feel how boys are raised from a young age could be very different, and it would change the whole world if we did. Boys and men are naturally tender and very sensitive, this is a great quality that is left behind by the way they are raised. It would have a great effect on men, if they were raised in honour of their true qualities, as that is where we are ourselves. And will be truly successful at in life.
Indeed Benkt, there is no honouring to their true beings in the way boys are raised, instead they are told to be completely the opposite of who they are. If we are able to change this and allow boys to develop and live their true qualities, our societies wil dramatically change, as much more care will be available to all of us as this is one of the qualities men carry with them if they are allowed to completely be themselves.
What you share with us Anonymous just confirms what we listen to and watch whether t.v/video/music etc makes such an impact and influences us more than we think. Those beautiful children were in an amazing situation to have a teacher that felt and watched the unravelling of what happened. By stopping that part of the lesson to then allow them to express and share what they felt and saw was a healing in the making.
“Don’t we need to take a moment and consider how we are raising our boys and are we imposing on them and our men?” Yes definitely anonymous! What you describe in the change of the boys when watching the advert is the same for all boys everywhere. It seems that we do not honour their sensitivity, so much so that they assume it is wrong for them to display it in any form. When I suggest to boys that it is ok to be sensitive, two responses take place. Firstly they feel the truth of it and realise it makes sense and the second is to doubt it,… ‘what really…but if I do that I will get picked on?’
Your school yard example Rachel applies to countries, tribes and sporting teams alike – it is a kind of Mexican standoff – no one wants to be exposed to danger or ‘get picked on’. It is literally a vicious cycle and shows the depth and breadth of the belief that boys everywhere are supposed to be tough, brave and prepared to fight and defend against evil.
So true Deanne and Rachel boys acknowledge that they are tender but don’t want to show it for fear of being picked on so there is indeed a ‘Mexican standoff’ with everyone propping up a false exterior. If a boy was brave enough to show his tender side unashamedly in the face of ridicule that has the power to disarm the others, ironically this standing up for the truth of all boys does more to fight evil than the tough guys who are reinforcing it.
It definitely is time for a change. How can it be that we encourage children to put on a show and not do what feels natural for them and force ideals on them that let them grow up struggling to be something they are not. Why can’t we just see and appreciate each other just for who we are?
“Why can’t we just see and appreciate each other just for who we are?” Great question, Michael. “We” as society? Or “we” as you and I? It makes a big difference if we can see and appreciate each other.
The sad reality is that the majority is still in old consciousness with ideals and beliefs of survival and struggle.
I personally know boys who couldn’t cope with the pressure from the family and school mates. Because they were different, sweet and not built for a fight, they choose to give up and get into virtual world of computer games.
Yes – I see exactly the same thing with my students, Rachel, too. They tend to go on ‘part time sensitivity’ – they’ll be gentle in my room but rough and tough for sport at break time…there is no immediate easy fix – we need to get to what lays behind all of this and unpick that.
Great question Anonymous. What life path would they have chosen had their tenderness been valued and had they been encouraged to honour their sensitivity? The young boys that I know now that are being brought up this way are already choosing different life paths then previous generations.
And what is worse is when the boys lose their own awareness that they are naturally tender and delicate and that that is in fact who they are.
I see that too Mary-Louise, these boys are making completely different choices in life than I was able to do when I was young. Although it is still difficult to imagine how our societies would change as an effect of this, I can see that the level of tender care will change dramatically as this is a quality that is so naturally in men if this is appreciated for the quality that this does bring to our society. Compared to let men be the provider and protector where there is no place for their sensitivity and tenderness to be lived we do show of ourselves and humanity as a whole.
It is indeed great to see what effect it has, when boys got raised and influenced differently- the ones I know are no different to girls in their sensitivity and they is not this fight already against the world and others. It is really touching to see, when a boy or man just is and don´t put this mask on of being the cool, tough guy. This is what really connects us and let women melt.
I agree Steffi, it is very touching to see the effect on young boys who are raised and honoured in their sensitivity. To see boys and men who are just themselves without a mask of being tough, or cool offers us as women the possibility of really connecting with them.
I agree – how would the world look if men where not told from a young age who they should and shouldn’t be but were just allowed to be themselves.
So there is change in the air – awesome, and the more we all can encourage and live this, the more it can be embraced by others.
Thank you for bringing this to our awareness, it shows so clearly how very much we are influenced by everything around us and how much we are a product of our environment. We have a far greater responsibility the way we live, what we produce, what we bring out into the world than we want to admit.
It is incredible what one ad you see can cause, one sentence you hear, one action you observe can change your whole belief system. The responsibility is huge- how often do we avoid feeling it?!
The responsibility is huge, Steffi, but it need not be onerous as is often assumed when the term ‘responsibility’ is mentioned. Responsibility can be light hearted at the same time as dedicated.
Yes Esther, this certainly highlights this and letting children realise what is happening and allowing them greater awareness and responsibility is awesome.
What you have shared Esther is so true – we are not really aware of the responsibility we have in the way we live. It is something I ponder on – how can it be that we are not aware of it as it is such an important thing to do????
A friend has recently had a baby boy, and I went to see him at just a few weeks old. We insisted on taking our cold jackets off before holding him because he would get cold, and his dad just said that he needed to toughen up. Looking down at the tiny gorgeous baby boy in my arms, barely a month old, I couldn’t fathom how we lived in a world where everything about his delicate and tender nature was not cherished, and that instead we began pushing ideals on him that he needed to be tough, he couldn’t cry like a girl etc etc. It might seem like something small, but it only takes a few small things to create an impression of how he should be for the rest of his life.
Especially when those word ‘toughen up’ come from the men that the young boys look up to the most and how easily do such words pass from our lips – it is what is accepted and even expected just because the baby is a boy. Can you imagine this being said if the baby were a girl? Hardly…….
It blows us away hearing something said like this about a gorgeous sweet bundle of joy, but that is perhaps what was also said to the Father as a tender boy as well. And if so, could the Father be in reaction to feeling how fragile and gentle the baby is and how he could get hurt if he goes out in the world like that. It’s changing the way we see protecting ourselves. I now know that hardening, as a form of protection is in fact what hurts us most. It’s important to keep exposing and calling out the many ways boys are imposed upon to be less than who they are.
It is not just the fathers that make comments like that. It seems the mothers are tougher than the fathers at times, with comments like ”oh he just has to get a grip of himself – can’t have crying if he lets a goal go through” (in soccer), or “boys will be boys, they will fight and have wounds, that is normal” – etc etc. And I could see as these boys grew older, the hardness coming in, the toughness expressed in language and felt in the body. Very sad all of it!
Yes true Karina, sometimes how mothers talk about their sons is atrocious… and shows just how far away from their preciousness they are.
Aimee I couldn’t agree more. The whole idea of toughening up children ready for the world needs to be challenged. Many people believe that what they are doing is good for the child in the long run- girls and boys are both asked to toughen up. Often the care taker finds the child’s sensitivity too painful to handle as it awakens their own sensitivity and the pain of missing out on themselves having tried to shut themselves down with all sorts of hard ways.
I agree Aimee – how can the father appreciate the delicate little boy when that didn’t happen to him – it is a cycle that needs to be broken, allowing men to be who they are not who they are told to be
Absolutely Rebecca, just this week I described one of my male colleagues as sweet to another man… he was also affectionately speaking of this colleague but when I said sweet it stopped him mid sentence. He looked at me and said ‘I wouldn’t have called him that’ then paused and said ‘but now you say it, I agree’. It just shows how tricked we have been when it comes to beliefs and ideals about how females and males should be, and how we are supposed to treat them.
Wow, Rebecca, your example says it all. The conditions are there and start right from the beginning of a baby’s life. This is something for us all to deeply ponder on, in terms of taking responsibility for everything we do, think or say in relation to another.
I agree – its not just a flippant remark or a joke or a passing gesture – these things have effects and consequences that are far reaching.
This is rather shocking Rebecca, it just goes to show we as boys, in a lot of cases don’t stand a chance and are taught to toughen up and relinquish our tenderness from day one. No wonder the world is in the state its in. We should all at least be given a chance to be gentle and tender until we get to an age we can make the choice to turn away from it ourselves it we should choose . It would then be interesting to do the test with the advertising to see if it had the same effect on boys that had been allowed the time to remain with tenderness.
That’s the brutal reality for boys coming into this world. There are studies that show that boys are already differently received during birth than girls, that they are not treated with the same tenderness as a little girl and then growing up a little boy is likely to be thrown into the air for a welcome, meanwhile a little girl is hold and cuddled. Like your example Rebecca, there are these constant small moments that impose on us the nature we then start to act on.
Yes it is very sad if that is so that boys are treated differently at birth then girls. I am so joy-full that I had the most gentle waterbirth at home with one of my children all those years ago, and the tenderness with which he was received into the world and held in that gentle beautiful loving space. I am sure it will have deeply instilled something in him, that shines through strongly when he chooses to allow it.
I remember interviews with parents who say that they’ve treated their children equally but the boys will always pick out the guns and the girls the dolls. I’ve always been puzzled by this but hearing of how genders are treated so differently from birth I suspect many of these differences are not identified by parents and only the more obvious things like bedroom colour or toys to choose are seen.
And it is underestimating the negative impact that these small behaviours are having on our young boys that is causing an issue that few are voicing. The sexualisation of women and the way they have been portrayed and treated is widely known, but the same thing is also happening to men.
Well said Rebecca. Not holding and cuddling a boy in the same way we would do with a girl has its impacts, how could it not have? As you say, it would pay us as humanity to begin to see these impacts seemingly minor behaviours have on us and start to take responsibility for every move we make.
I totally agree, Rebecca. I was, quite frankly, aghast the time I saw a newborn baby wearing a rugby cap placed there by his Dad- the baby was less than an hour old!! We need to educate people to be aware of the effects these ‘little things’ have, as well as sharing another way to live, based on love, and connecting with one’s inner heart – which itself would reveal when something was out of tune with our innate love and tenderness.
Wow, what an experience. The boys have really assimilated how much they had to be like a man – fighting. I experienced that as a child – one feels very powerful but also a bit empty.
It’s the empty bit that feels so sad. I wonder how that would have been for the young boys in the wars, then and now…
We seem to have a history of creating this emptiness…..
WOW this is fascinating what you are sharing. You are doing an amazing job working with the children and really helping them to see and feel what is actually going on and how outside influences can affect us. So many children need this kind of support and teaching.
I agree Vicky. Anonymous, the children you are teaching will not forget these classes with you. They will forever, even if it is at the back of their minds, look a little further at what is being presented to them. What an awesome tool to assist them in being assertive in how they feel as well as being discerning about their choices.
I agree too Vicky and Elodie, Anonymous truly offered a great service here and so lovely to hear the children respond, showing clearly the set-up being taught from early on. Supporting them in discerning the choices they make, by offering energetic truth in a simple way is just awesome.
To simply encourage a child to develop as the unique person that he is would change much in our society.
Thank you for your confirmation, ladies: all teachers thrive on appreciation and confirmation – it’s the nutrients that allow us to expand and bring even more to our work with children 🙂
I agree Vicky, these kids don’t just need to learn their ABC’s and how to count, they need to also learn about life and how it really is, to learn about things like the influence of the media and that it doesn’t have to be that way.
Although this is a subject that has been discussed before, what you have presented here is disturbing. It feels like the more I connect with my own body, see how precious I am and introduce the practice of loving myself tenderly, the greater the impact when I observe harshness toward little ones or any other person. What you have described here has happened as a result of one ad and yet humanity is exposed to this same energy through TV programs, music, magazines, toys and the list goes on. Yes, we are imposing on our boys. The beautiful thing is that when this is challenged and the preciousness and tenderness in our boys and men is acknowledged, we can also celebrate a moment where truth is felt and known.
Being an only girl raised with three brothers we played goodies and baddies, and I definitely had an heroic ideal as a young girl – this may have been because it was only a decade after the second World War or the fact that I grew up watching westerns and war films. But your blog seems to indicate that the young girls bar one in your class were not affected by these ideals – so it would appear I was conditioned similarly to the boys in our family –definitely food for thought here. It sounds a fascinating subject to study – the affect of advertising on young children and adults!
This is a great sharing Josephine and shows how we are educated into responding to certain ideals. The girls in the class were not affected by these ideals, because they already aligned to other ideals with which they identify with. That’s the influence it has on us, that we are unaware of how we align to certain ideals and then we act on them believing that it is what we have chosen to like.
Exactly, Rachel and Josephine, and the effect what rolemodels on TV have on boys and girls is probably more big than most of us realize.
I found reading your blog fascinating and also disturbing, anonymous. You spell it out so clearly and I had not really understood before that our young boys had the belief they had to fight the enemy and the forces of evil, let alone how deep this belief system goes. I had observed a young grandson becoming obsessed with warriors, ninjas and gladiators but had not realised that this belief might be at the root of his obsession.
I see it also Josephine as this way of being and the beliefs of needing to fight the enemy is feed to our boys, through many influences….advertising, TV shows, and computer games. These become more and more aggressive and volatile as boys grow up, to ensure they don’t reconnect to the tenderness they were born with.
And how sad is that; that energy running this is truly one that needs to be banished forever, and blogs like these and teachings like the above, starting in Kindy so to speak, would be awesome to make a start and expand it out.
Absolutely Karina, like anything that is new for us we like to prepare ourselves and get an understanding of what it’s about…it reminds me of childbirth and me asking lots of questions! It would be supportive for children to have these open discussions at home and at school about what it feels like playing this or doing that, well before the world introduces it to them. Then they have a solid foundation and may not be easily swayed into the lovelessness of participating in some of these games.
One thing is for sure, boys are soon themed into ‘manly’ topics. These topics are not only reduced and restricted for our bodies but also they invite us to forget about it. We learn a way of being that works towards the outside but that we know it is not it. How this knowing plays out in each one’s case is different but the fact remains.
Well put Eduardo – it gives a good feel for what happens within boys and men…
That is quite shocking as to the change you saw in the boys but at the same time that has been made to be ‘completely normal’ in life today. Is it any wonder we have so many disfunctionalities in life when even one advert can rile a person when embedded with such beliefs on how to be in the world? And that was just one ad, in life we are exposed to beliefs on how to be in the world in almost every situation and with every person we meet because they are also living in that agitated state as the boys went into. It really brings home the importance of connection to ourselves because without this we are lost at sea so to speak.
I agree Leigh, without a strong connection to ourselves and our bodies we can easily get lost, as we are constantly bombarded with advertising, images and pictures of how we should look, behave and what roles we should perform in life. It feels that without a solid and strong foundation of self love and acceptance we are automatically at the whim of everything that society imposes on us, and have no control over our actions and thoughts as we are being fed these, and not operating in life from an inner knowing so to speak, which is really a connection to our hearts and bodies and making decisions from there.
I am really blown away by the impact the advertisement you describe had on the boys in your class. As a woman I can see I have taken comfort in the idea that ‘men will protect me’. I can see I have been a part of a way of living that imposes this belief system on boys and men. There is no denying that this belief system is grossly harming.
It is incredible to feel that if we actually allowed men and boys to be tender there would be far lower rates of violence, war and disharmony.
Great point Leonne… as women we play our own part in men identifying themselves as the ‘saviours’ for sure. And spot on, if this were not fostered, and men were not expected to save anyone by fighting, we would not have wars as there would be nobody to fight in them. Such complication in life and so much devastation perpetuated by this seemingly ‘inherent’ trait we continue to foster amongst us as a humanity.
Leonne, you made me stop and ponder on how men and women have equally contributed and are equally responsible for these attitudes. Women have a role to play and not just if they are the mothers of boys, when women stay silent and allow men to also deny their tenderness then men miss out on knowing this aspect of themselves, the next generation of children miss out on seeing tender men as their role models and today some women follow suit and pick up the sword to prove they are equally tough rather than equally tender.
Thank you for your honesty in exposing the part that women sometime play in looking to men to be the protectors, and in some cases the providers and all the different roles we place on men. It feels important to expose this as men carry a lot of ideas, ideals and picture about how we are supposed to be around women and the roles we think are expected of us, not allowing us to be who we truly are.
Me too. Leonne, for a time. If all, or even most, women hold this belief, along with most men, it then gives credence to the boys’ claim that ‘everyone knows’ that protecting is what the man / boy does – it is all that they discern when they look up at the world around them, if no one is offering a different reflection for them to consider. We are definitely all in this together…men and women, until we choose to address this undercurrent of energy and then choose differently.
I can relate too Leonne, I used to think and expect that men would protect me and look after me etc etc. Since attending Serge Benhayons’ workshops and presentations at Universal Medicine,for the past 12 years now, this has changed so much, in that I have stepped away from the expectation on men as protectors and moved into the power and strength of a woman taking responsibility for her own life. This in turn allows me to see the men in their sensitivity and tenderness, even if they try and hide it …
So true Leonne. As women we have bought into these ideals too and this has affected how we relate to men and the world. I agree – there would be lower rates of violence – and probably illness too – if we nurtured the innate sensitivity of boys and men.
Great point Leone, we all play our part in maintaining belief systems. It’s as if we live in a giant web of deceit. It is time to step aside and free ourselves to live our truth, not our ideals.
What an amazing example of behavioural change due to media exposure anonymous. I will be taking closer note of the ways in which our children are affected. I have often pondered on just how limiting it is for both boys and girls to be confined to ‘gender specific ‘toys, activities, games and even clothing. Manufacturers and marketers have a huge sway on what is on offer. Thank you for provoking greater awareness.
This is what all children need Anon, a teacher sensitive to the energy of the reaction in children when they are exposed to outside influences, and most important, being able to stop and enable them to notice what happened and so learn freedom of choice of how they can respond. Your example shows how manipulated we are by advertising in our society, in a way that encourages fixing and cementing ideals and beliefs that keep us prisoners of bigger forces. Who does this serve? NO-one — whereas how you opened up a new possibility for the boys to recognise something of value in themselves and claim it is true service.
There are some great questions raised here, not the least of which is we need to recognise just how much our young children observe and turn to the adult world for role models on how to be.
So true Adam.
So true Adam and we really have to stop and consider what messages our children are currently receiving from adults in the world at the moment. Our current media and video games are something the adult world targets to children, what is coming out in video games today is deeply disturbing and shocking for children to see.
Thank you Anonymous for exposing so graphically how subtle and insidiously advertising influences behaviour and thinking.
You are bringing up many points for pondering, anonymous. I am a parent of 2 boys- now young men and I felt , when they were younger, incredibly pressured to encourage them to be “boys” as part of their identity. Now as I observe them claiming their sensitivity in full I realise what a big disservice to them it was when I followed ideals and beliefs rather than my own feelings, in my early parenting days.
You can be sensitive and vulnerable and incredibly effective in doing what needs doing. The misunderstanding may be that we don’t trust that is possible and then try to make ourselves robots that do whatever hard or difficult or unpleasant action that is necessary.
Well said, Christoph: it’s not about a ‘wrap in cotton wool’ solution but about re connecting and sustaining that connection in everything we do – and in the face of harsh external influences also. We need to be the ones who show that this is possible.
That is so beautiful honest what you have shared Anne – it showed that this ideals and beliefs of how boys should be raised are deeply ingrained in our society. It is very inspiring that you have changed the way you raised your boys so that they have the possibility to claim their sensitivity in full.
Thank you for starting this much needed conversation Anonymous: it is definitely a conversation I like to start whenever I have an opportunity, but usually meet a lot of resistance when I do. I agree without doubt that we are placing too many impositions on our young boys which only serve to bury the natural tender being they are, and replace it with the tough guy image that they believe they are expected to fit into. We as adults have a responsibility to support these gorgeous boys to retain this innate tenderness and to let them know that it is totally acceptable to express this tenderness, along with their sensitivity, in a world that has taught boys before them the exact opposite.
Yes Ingrid, resistance can be arisen when topics such as this are raised and questioned. This is simply because it is exposing that over all, humanity has forsaken its sensitivity and ability to live energetically aware. If we were such, than atrocities such as what is mentioned in this blog would not occur, because we would feel our delicate nature, and live in accord with the sensitivity we naturally have.
The description of the ad you talk about and the reaction from the boys is very uncomfortable. It is almost tragic to feel the effects. What an excellent example of how boys are affected at such a very young age by the beliefs society places on them. They felt it instantly. This just shows how sensitive and tender they are. What an absolute gift for them to have you as a teacher so they had an opportunity to discuss what had been witnessed and felt.
Advertising is a powerful tool to produce and re-produce gender stereotypes. Experts are studying people’s behavior and they are specialized in identifying patterns that can be emphasized as “typical male” or “typical female” and then are thrown out there in relation to a product they want to sell, creating a feedback loop that manifests those stereotypes in society. It is a vicious cycle and the lines have blurred, but we can clearly say that advertising today has a clear role to ingrain mostly harming stereotypical behavior specifically in our young.
There is a viscous cycle at play here – advertising, media and experts tell us how boys are supposed to be. We raise them to this way of being, and voila that is how they are. Those same men then lead our world, and champion how we raise our boys. Time to stop the cycle.
Thank you for sharing, as a man when I was a boy I was not raised to develop, nurture and deepen my tenderness. At school I effectively had to toughen up, play the mans games like rugby, which was quite brutal for a tender sensitive boy, endless cross country runs in the freezing cold and even snow. None of it asked me to show my sweet sensitive and tender side. What it goes to show is that TV is portraying the same message to our children, so we need to be more discerning what we allow our children to watch as ultimately as you have shown even something as subtle as an advertisement can have quite a big effect on our children.
I am not sure there is an alternative for boys as they grow up, as you experienced James it was part of your schooling and in many cultures around the world the rite of passage into manhood are considered what defines men as men, these almost always involve a show of ‘bravery’ by withstanding physical pain and torturous rituals. Young boys are geared up for these rituals and most partake willingly as it proves their worth and place as a man within their community. To fail or not partake comes with great shame and emasculation. Some of these rituals, as an example, involve deep gashes to the face and children die from infections – it is extreme but actually no different to the brutality of making a boy play rugby at school and the isolation and ridicule that can ensue if he goes against this. There is so very little support for men and boys to make or even consider a different choice such is the stranglehold of this societal expectation.
There’s a lot to be considered when reading this blog – and what it particularly highlighted to me was that it’s not only the obvious ideals and stereotypes we have about men, but the more subtle beliefs and images that are imposed and the physical effect they are actually having. Is it possible that when we choose not to be aware and/or override these feelings that we hold this in our bodies for much longer than we would like to think, resulting in the adults and men these young boys grow into?
This is a great blog that shows how we design boys and girls to be. All the qualities (or better stereotypes) we assign to a man or a woman are created by those outer impositions we present them during their upbringing. This identification is related to what we have to do to be seen as a certain man or woman and have very little to do with who we are. Tenderness, sensitivity, sweetness, etc. are a boys natural expression and his true qualities, but the image of manhood that we have created over centuries has blinded us and we have reduced ourselves to being identified with stereotyped patterns and behaviors instead of bringing our true qualities into their fullness.
Wow thank you anonymous for showing how ingrained it is in young boys that they think that they have to fight. Your experience shows how quickly they can change from gentle loving boys into over excited agitated warriors. It is also great that you took this further and questioned the change in their behaviour, and that both boys and girls were able to see that this is not their natural way of being.
Alison, ‘ Your experience shows how quickly they can change from gentle loving boys into over excited agitated warriors’, I notice this, my son and I will be gently walking to school, holding hands, being very sweet and gentle with each other and then a little boy from school will come by and my son and him will immediately go into this pretend fighting, their hands will go stiff and they put on false voices and arch their back – their whole body going stiff, the change is huge and very bizarre, and I can feel how these little boys are often not being themselves with each other but are behaving in a way that has become acceptable amongst them, it is like they have all made an agreement that this is how boys behave together, when I have the boys round to our house sometimes it takes a while but usually if we sit together and play a gently game they stop this behaviour and sweetly and gently play together.
Your comment Rebecca reminds me of when my son was small. He was super sensitive and I can remember all the other boys being much tougher and harder, but for a long time he wouldn’t have a bar of it. And Im sure this is true for many if not most young boys, but as they get older, there is such huge expectations that they will become more ‘manly and tough’, and they are picked on terribly if they do not ‘man up’ that life can become hugely challenging for them during their early teenage years. It is so important that we nurture these tender and fragile qualities in our young men, and confirm to them that actually this is what the world so desperatley needs – men who are not afraid to shine and share their innate qualities with one another and with the rest of the world.
Education and how we live is a constant imposition on boys and girls to adjust to the gender stereotypes we identify as a society with and conform to the patterns and behaviors. Everything from the day we are born is designed to impose gendered roles onto us, roles that make us live in a certain way so we conform to the expectations of being a man or a woman. Those impositions come from the false belief that we are first of all human beings (men and women) and not equal Son’s of God. If we lived by the knowing that we are equal Son’s of God we would use the different physical forms of expression (men and women) to advance our evolution and not against it.
Boys are deeply tender. Being a teacher and being observant in life I see many tender boys soon put on faces, fronts and ways of being that they clearly were not born with. This is definitely a topic that deserves the time to openly discuss and ask ‘what is going on really?’
It certainly is no question that boys are raised form young to be a certain way, and their innate sensitivity is not honoured or encouraged. This pressure can cause so much confusion in young boys and it can be the beginning of them starting to doubt who they are. I also remember hearing those ads on television and now especially the ones for ‘boys toys’ and reflecting now, the harshness that was in these ads was very noticeable at the time. It is setting boys up to respond to certain tones and demands from an early age.
Many people would not even want to think about letting boys be sensitive. The idea that boys are all rough and tumble, and they have to be tough to survive in life is very entrenched. It is great that there is another way being offered – let’s let boys really be boys.
This is very true Heather, ‘Many people would not even want to think about letting boys be sensitive. The idea that boys are all rough and tumble’, as the mother of a young boy this is what I observe, boys are encouraged generally to be tough and strong and not cry and show sensitivity, if they do cry or show their fragility I have noticed that sometimes with their dads in particular the boys get a kind of rough shake or a little playful punch and told to get up and told that ‘your ok’, it is almost as if there is embarrassment and a feeling that it is unacceptable for boys to show this tenderness and sensitivity in public.
I feel it does set them up to respond to certain ( loud and harsh) tones, Harrison, as well as to a domineering and forceful level of volume. There is then a high likelihood that these factors correlate directly in their mind with ‘manliness’ and ‘power.’ These days I use a microphone in my classroom so that my students hear gentleness amplified – an attempt to redress what is out there in society at large.
Thank you anonymous. What an amazing point you raise and I absolutely love the enquiring and truthful way you have delivered this blog in. It definitely would make anyone who reads it question and ponder on such an important topic.
Yes it is pure gold to be able to witness a single moment like this and see through what is actually going on. And how many single moments are happening all the time like this???? The mind boggles.
That was what struck me most, Sarah: this was the effect of one just one ad, of less than one minute’s duration. How many other single minutes are similarly bombarding children, and all of us, with this aggression and contempt for our innate sensitivity? How do we start to address this? It is a huge responsibility for all of us to undertake.
Yes this is such an important topic. Raising our boys to be tough contributes to the toughness of the world and the many problems that abound. If the natural tenderness and sensitivity of boys was nurtured the world would be a very different place.
The tragedy is that boys the world over are ‘schooled’ to suppress innate sensitivity and tenderness and encouraged to be hard, aggressive, and believe themselves to be saviour’s of the world. It doesn’t have to be that way. Let them be saviours of themselves first. Boys connect to and respond well to games and films that are tender and gentle. And we as parents and guardians have a responsibility to nurture these innately sensitive and tender qualities in our young and discern which gifts and toys we give them.
I agree Kehinde, ‘And we as parents and guardians have a responsibility to nurture these innately sensitive and tender qualities in our young and discern which gifts and toys we give them.’ I notice how very differently my young son responds to gifts he his given, if someone gives him a toy sword or something about superheroes or to do with a T.V program that is rough and not gentle then he responds in this way – he becomes boisterous and can act in a fighty, aggressive way, whereas when i give him presents such as crafts or teddies then he plays with them in such a sweet way and so there are some toys that I have encouraged family and friends not to buy him because of the strong reactions he has with some of the more fighty toys.
What a burden we place on our children to become a certain way and adopt certain behaviours. I was handing out calculators to a class the other day and one boy was very upset that I had given him a pink one. He immediately asked to swap it for a black or blue one. This is a simple example, but beliefs even about the colours we are allowed to wear run deep. How strange that we can feel less of a man or woman because of the colour of an object we are using. It’s a tragedy that we are all not valued and supported to grown up to be the tender open loving people we all started off being.
And the truth of the colour pink is that it represents tender-ness, sensitivity, sweetness and fragility – all great strengths. But in this instance we see that pink is perceived by many to be weak, ‘girly’ and soft – as insults, not compliments. How mad is our blanket mis-conception of something so simple as the meaning of a colour?
Anonymous, this is a great article, as the mother of a young boy I can very much relate to what you have written, even at pre-school I would observe that the boys would dress up as super heroes and fight ‘the badies’, the girls would get upset as the boys would become rough and boisterous, the boys behaviour at this point did not feel natural to me, they would move their bodies in really unnatural, hard ways and certainly did not look like the sweet, sensitive boys that i knew them to be. It is interesting how this behaviour is seen as acceptable and just ‘how boys are’.
Agreed Rebecca, I have heard many parents say that they feel like they are losing their boys when they go to school. If the beliefs and ideals of what a boy is to be has not kicked in by then it is guaranteed to kick in once they start school. School puts a whole other pressure on children and between that and all the other beliefs we are guaranteed to lose our children, that is until we are prepared to do something about it.
I agree the effects are tragic Rebecca. Even more tragic is that this plays out in society daily and then these tender young boys grow up and cement this hardening into becoming the men we have around us who feel the pressures of life, the beliefs that society outs on them etc
Forcing these ideals of how a men has to be does put such an enormous pressure on boys. You are literally forced to deny anything that you feel and become something you are not if you want to be accepted. How absurd is that?
Working in nursery, I see every day that it is accepted how boys play in one way and girls in another and that is just ‘how it is’. However when I am working with either gender I experience the boys as caring and sweet as the girls are as I approach both genders equally.
I agree – someone i knew brought their boys up to not have things like swords or play fighting, but the first day they came back from school the boys was playing pretend guns and fighting and hitting – completely having taken on the ideas around needing to play like that.
Hello Rebecca and I agree and often watch these things play out but also get involved where I can. If I see and feel something that doesn’t fit then I’m there offering a different direction. It maybe a word, it maybe a presence but either way I’m not just sitting back and letting things happen in front of me. I know if it’s in front of me then there is something for me to see. It’s great to expose these things in the written word while also actioning them in everyday life.
The labels we place on boys and girls goes insidiously deep, to the point where we strike a fear in boys around even the colour pink, which I have seen many times. Your story of the ad exposes clearly the depth to which we encourage boys to move away from their tenderness and take on a role that does not reflect who they really are as boys. How much of the violence and disharmony we see in the world stems from messages such as this, and how much pressure are we heaping on boys when they feel it is their responsibility to be protectors and to take on the world in this way. Every little expression we give boys that isn’t asking them to man up or be tough is a step in the right direction. As grown men we have a responsibility to show our tender sides, to be steadfast in our refusal to play the macho game and to offer a reflection that being fragile and vulnerable is not weak but actually our greatest strength.
It’s very refreshing Stephen to hear a man speak as you are here. In fact it is so needed. I watch older men as they are sick and they still play the ‘must be tough guy role’ to cope with whatever physical pain they experience. I can say without doubt that they just end up with more pain, not less. What this says to me is that the way we develop boys into men, and all that influences that, is not working…really.
This is so true Stephen, ‘The labels we place on boys and girls goes insidiously deep, to the point where we strike a fear in boys around even the colour pink’, I see this with the children I know, my son is 5 and hasn’t realised that boys ‘should not like pink’, but I have heard when other children see him for example with his pink water bottle i can hear them say ‘why has that boy got a pink water bottle’ or as a joke someone may say to him ‘i bet you would like a pink one’ and not realising the irony and that he is meant to say ‘no pink is for girls’ he say ‘yes I would like a pink one’. There are so many things like this, such as boys liking fairies, sparkly things, because I have never said to my son ‘you cannot have these things they are for girls’, he naturally loves sparkles and fairies, interesting how if we don’t impose on boys what they should like and dislike that they do not follow the stereotypical boy thing of fighting and protecting.
Yes, Stephen G, a move away from tenderness and a many moves towards a sense of completely false responsibility. To me it indicates how we need to re define, or claim back, the true meaning of that word, responsibility.
I love the way you addressed the class when you felt a shift in the students state of being. How beautifully honest for the children to discuss this and share with each other. This to me is true education that naturally takes place within a group.
I totally love this too Marcia. It is a true honouring of what played out in that moment- holding the children in equality knowing that they hold the wisdom in their bodies to express what just happened for them and how they were and were not affected. Amazing. We need more of this approach in schools.
Yes, Marcia I agree. That discussion has given the class, both girls and boys, something true to work with – reflecting on how thing in the world affect them and others. It also shows how crucial it is that we don’t leave children alone in front of the television/movies etc for hours on end – we need to observe what is happening and encourage discussion.
Yes I agree Marcia. This is indeed true education and incredibly inspiring. It is something we can actually do in any situation or at any time in life and does not have to be left to the class room. Alternatively, we could say our whole life is a learning and classroom.
Its true Marica, taking the time to name the shift and to give kids the experience of knowing there is a choice between what goes on around us and what we do. We don’t have to be pavlovian dogs responding on automatic to the conditioning that surrounds us.
I agree Marcia and what a new marker for all in the class; girls, boys and teachers alike. This is something that will stay with them all forever and something they will all be able to draw on as they grow and continually face these kind of issues within the communities in which they live.
I loved that too, Marcia. That is such a big learning in itself to educate to children to observe changes in their way of being and to backtrack what caused it. In this example it also allowed them to experience group work and the power of working together.
I agree Marcia, it would be all to easy to let the feeling pass so as to get on with the lesson, and yet another lesson was offered by stopping and going with the feeling.
Marketing and advertising is unscrupulous in its manipulation to target, aim and fire, no matter what the age. It’s primary aim is to hook and lure you away from your inner knowing to be in the need and enticement of something that lays outside of you.
I agree with what you have presented here Marcia and I also ponder at what point do we say no. We can blame the marketing and advertising agencies for their unscrupulous ways, which of course they have a responsibility for acting so irresponsibly but at what point are we as a consuming public also responsible? When do we say enough, we can only be sold what we want to buy. For now we could say it can be too difficult for little boys to buck the trend, they would stand out like a red flag to a bull, but as more and more do, then more and more will be inspired to do the same. Thank you to all the men in the Universal Medicine student body who are bucking this trend and showing us true power is in your tenderness and preciousness – you are all divine to watch and be around.
We have to remember, marketing is about selling. Movies, toys, games – all about selling.
Absolutely Heather. Companies are often focused much more on selling products and reaching profit targets than on how the product will influence or effect the customers.
Susie I would add that often they do know that it will influence behaviour and lead to more sales but agree that they most certainly do not consider long term side effects – what motivation is there to consider this when your business is purely sales driven? It is therefore incumbent on us as parents, grandparents and responsible caring humans to speak out and support businesses that truly want to bring quality products to the market place.
well said Marcia, it is a great example of how we have made profit our new religion and more important then even our children. Are we ready to see and admit to this?
Yes, and fantastic that Anonymous is teaching in schools the impact of marketing. As adults we can be easily targeted with very little awareness. When I studied marketing at university I was gobsmacked at some of what we were taught. To me it was simply wrong to use such manipulative tactics.
Yes Nikki, i feel there is a way to share and promote a product with integrity and honesty and without the manipulative tactics.
Wow. Wouldn’t integrity in advertising be world changing?
The perfect set-up to ensure that we are constantly chasing the dream, the vision and the ideal…keeping us from who we truly are and the power that resides in every one of us.
It is such a perfect set up Sara, how could we have been tricked into leaving our immense love for such a reduced imitation.
Reduced imitation indeed Bernard, and we have accepted that as being okay.
The question is: Did anyone value their tenderness and encourage them to honour their sensitivity? What life path would they have chosen had this been so? I am sure a totally different life and with much more care for every single person.
I agree it is criminal (or should be) to exploit in this way. They must do lots of research to figure out how to best manipulate children. It was wonderful how Anon described their observations in class and how clearly these ads actually had a tangible and physical effect on the boys and their bodies. This too would lend itself to a research project to expose the harm and magnitude of what is going on here.
I agree Nicola that it would be good to research and ‘expose the harm and magnitude of what is going on here.’
I would love to see that research also, Nicola, and it needn’t be too difficult: simply monitoring physiological indicators like heart rate, blood pressure, sweating response, dry mouth, galvanic skin response..all of these would change in a deleterious manner I am sure with exposure to these ads.
Great idea, to start a research project to proof the harm on the boys.
Marcia, this is so true. I remember being utterly shocked by the way McDonalds targets children to be drawn into their restaurants with various hooks. These tactics should not be legal in my opinion as you are drawing young children into wanting food that is harming them.
Hello Marcia and I agree. In fact as most know there are millions of dollars spent on research into how to target certain markets or groups of people and while it’s great to expose this and speak about this those in the knowing should market and advertise in a different way. In other words ‘we’ that know differently or know another way need to lead it, all the way. Marketing and advertising are forms of media we specifically think of but the way we speak and interact are all other forms of ‘marketing and advertising’. We need to change the game because it’s obvious the game is not changing itself.
Beautifully explained how simple it is to keep ourselves and our children locked into ideals and beliefs that do not support any change in our attitudes – we are still at wars around the globe after two world wars that were meant to end all wars.
This is true Susan, we need to see that everything said carries with it an effect. When we don’t stop to take stock of this, the effect goes on and as you say world wars and conflict are allowed to continue.
Yes after two major world wars and a number of very serious near misses, you would think we would learn that what we are doing is not working. Why is it that others want to take over the world, why are we not content with what we have. Is it really about land, money and power or is it about being so hurt and protected that we are willing to fight and destroy others. We have to become very de-natured to fight each other the way we do. If a computer game gets a glitch and does not perform how it should we would all stop and ask for it to be fixed, yet when our very inner human nature goes astray we do not stop we continue and eventually accept it as normal. When it is not normal it is abnormal to fight each other but unfortunately it is common.
Yes Susan. It shows how many layers of indoctrination there are, and how this is achieved. It plays on the naturally protective and caring nature of boys, but subverts and redirects this tender quality into something perverse and destructive. Wise guidance is so important and our shared responsibility.
Thank you, Anonymous, this is a powerful example of what society imposes upon men (and boys). That little boys feel they have to be macho is very sad, especially when we allow ourselves to feel how sensitive and tender they truly are. We are all responsible for addressing these stereotypes in ourselves and honouring each human being for their unique qualities regardless of gender, ethnicity or age.
I agree Janet, we are all responsible for addressing these stereotypes in ourselves. When people say derogatory things about boys or men I am quick to speak up but this has reminded me to look at how I am with myself as a woman and the stereotypes I can buy into.
I wholeheartedly agree. The title even asks me to look where I buy into ideals and beliefs concerning women and men and thus am imposing on children, which are our future society.
Kerstin the key point here that our children are our future, and therefore whether we support them to be their true nature or impose on them ideals and beliefs that hurts us, or expose them to the perverse values found in ‘games’ is super important and a very real responsibility that all adults share.
Beautifully expressed Janet. We are all responsible for honouring each human being as well as for taking responsibility for all that we allow in our lives that do not support this honouring but instead asks us to be different to our true nature. Such as boys need to be tough and don’t cry and women have to look a certain way and be good care givers. As long as we subscribe to these beliefs we will all be less as a society and human race.
Very true Janet. Nowadays, we so often make life about ideals and judge anyone who does seemingly not meet them for this, without honouring at all the unique qualities that we all bring. We seek assurance and protection in being individual and create the distinctions by judging and classifying, instead of opening up to the fact that we are all equal and stopping these approach of “Attack is the best way of protection”.
Precisely Janet. We are all responsible and it begins with each and every one of us.
Yes Janet great call, we are all responsible for exposing these false ideals and beliefs, whether it is within ourselves or others. We are all unique and truly worth honouring and loving as we are.
It does not make it right but small boys have throughout history been inducted into fighting to protect something; be it beliefs, country’s or just ways of life. Boys are lumps of clay that have always been able to be molded into whatever was needed and tenderness was not required for the job they were to undertake.
Very straightforward and crass assessment of what happens to our boys and how they are indoctrinated to take on a fighting role from a very early age. And as you so rightly say, “tenderness was not required for the job they were to undertake”. And as a consequence, we all lose out.
Agree Steve as it was never about the quality we live in, but always about the outcome that we could achieve. Boys and girls are molded into whatever the dominant consciousness wants them to be, to function in a world that feeds itself from an energy that does not want us to recognize that we are divine in our origins. The more we live in this prefabricated gender stereotypes the more we are in separation, struggling to assimilate in human form instead of knowing our equalness in essence and living the worldly diversity as a temporal expression.
Wow Rachel, amazingly expressed!
It’s an interesting thing to ponder on Steve with what you have raised as to why young boys would be used by armies to fight. I have seen pictures of young boys in armies and they are particularly difficult to see. I wonder if young boys are used in such a way because of the depth of power that is within a young boy when they are expressing their sensitivity and tenderness and what this brings us for men (and women) in what we have denied ourselves from being? One only has to look and the gorgeous picture in this blog to melt in the eyes of such beauty.
I completely agree, Steve: there is most definitely an aspect within the human psyche, usually an aspect of which we are totally unaware, that has a complete contempt for the physical body and sees it as a ‘lump of clay,’ as you say. If it is just a lump of clay, this then justifies the use and abuse of it in any way, shape or form…..thing is, the body does not feel itself to be just a lump of clay but as a sensitive vehicle. Acknowledging this sensitivity sounds the death knell of the contemptuous aspect and it has an historical longevity, as you say, that it will not willingly or easily let go of. I appreciate all men who claim their sensitivity and tenderness in the face of this opposition.
I agree, Steve, and perhaps we need to begin to consider if this is the root cause for many issues we as a society now face – sky rocketing domestic violence, increasing levels of rape and assault, wars and violence etc etc. Perhaps when we do not include fragility, tenderness or love in the equation of bring up our boys, we are left with the end result we now have.
True Steve. I find small boys now given cuddly toys alongside plastic ray guns, brigades of plastic soldiers of different nationalities with rifles, to play war games with. Girls on the other hand get given lots more cuddly toys, arts and craft materials, games, but thankfully, no guns. Gender roles already in the making.
Wow – food for thought – like in the fairy stories where the hero always rescues the maiden, the princess gets her prince, we are conditioned with archetypes that feed our beliefs about the roles of men and women. It is great to be aware of just how early on we feed into these.
I agree Carmel,
It was quite revealing reading this article as to how ingrained the beliefs are around the gender roles that society has placed on both boys and girls. And how even at a very young age these affect and if let, control how our young men are growing up.
I agree Carmel it is great to be aware how early these are fed to children and often it is not through ways that are obvious. Often it is simply the way adults are in how we live and are with ourselves and often we are unconscious of this ourselves.
Yes, Carmel, this way of bringing up little boys has been around for many, many generations. They have always been given strong, tough men as role models in stories and now films, ads etc., for little boys. Boys’ stories are so often about great male heroes. Similarly for little girls in how they are guided into their beliefs of their role in life as a woman, to have a family, look after children and the husband. We stifle and control our children’s minds from such a young age, it is so sad.
It’s crazy that these ways have been around for many years in bringing up children, there are so many ideals and beliefs that it is hard for them to break away.
Yes I agree Katie this article is great and we certainly need more of them as this is an absolute epidemic with far reaching consequences that many would never consider.
I can honestly say I loathed Cinderella as a child. Even then I thought it was hogwash. Time we let both boys and girls be who they are without overloading them with ideals of how life should be.
Unlike you Heather I was deeply enchanted by Cinderella and all of the other stories that focused on beautiful young women with lustrous long tresses. I was particularly spellbound by Cinderella’s dresses. She had 3 different dresses that she wore, a blue one, a pink one and a golden one. I was pulled out of my body completely and into the beauty of the dresses, my entire body was captivated by the pictures in the book and still to this day my body is affected when I look at the pictures of Cinderella’s dresses.
Hear hear Heather – it’s time to break the long and heavy chain we have carried for generations. It’s up to us to stop the imposing and all them to be.
Very true Carmel we need new fairytales that reflect the truth of who we are and what we can become.
I spent a portion of my life playing out those roles – the damsel in distress waiting for a prince to come and rescue her. Thankfully he never came and I got bored!
Yes Nikki so many fairy tales portray damsels in distressed saved by charming princes. This is even seen in many romantic movies too. Society is fed these fairytale ideals continually but sharing’s like these articles, goes to show that we can set a new foundation for living from our own lived experiences and how magical that can be.
Yes except in many of the images kids get today its also not just a prince rescuing a girl like in fairy tales. Lots of video games and music videos depict men abusing and being violent towards women- it is such an extreme opposite to the true nature of a boy/man.
Very true Kristy, the prince is a picture that is far away from what we see in games and videoclips nowadays. The violence that is being used and the aggression that is to be felt is very extreme. It is setting children up to leave their true selves behind and it is causing separation between boys and girls on a very young age.
Yes Kristy the video games are horrendous. There is one I found a very sweet 6 or 7 year old playing. It was how to kill the teacher with a choice of weapons to select from. When I was clearly horrified he said to me don’t worry it is only a game. He was trying to convince me that this was just a bit of fun! These games are so designed to separate a child from their true nature.
I have had very sensible male friends share with me that the video games they play of shooting people are so real, that when they are out and about in real life, they feel people are ambushing everywhere and they feel they want to pull the trigger. If this happens when video games are not being played, it is not only a game and it is no fun at all. Anything that takes a boy or a man away from his true tender nature is to encourage evil to exist and be a part of our world.
I am really glad you shared this Adele for it is really proof that the violent games have a major affect on the nervous system and everyday life and cannot be confined to the console. I agree that there are a lot of things in our society that drive men and boys out of their natural tenderness. They are so insidious, you are right; they do encourage evil to exist in the world.
Wow Kathleen, that is full-on! ‘it’s only a game’ indeed, where do these thoughts come from? And who designs and allows these games to be produced. They are not innocent but we are letting them loose on the innocent, and then raising our arms in horror when despicable acts of violence are committed.
Yes so true Carmel it begins at such a young age, it’s quite staggering to realise how much we build our life on false ideals and beliefs of what it is to be a man or a woman. It makes so much sense of why we can struggle through life not knowing who we are as we are imposed upon to be something that we are not rather than celebrated for who we innately are.
Absolutely Carmel. We are fed these beliefs from an incredibly young age, even down to the colour of babies clothes, or the name tags they are given when they are born ie pink for a girl and blue for a boy., or the toys and gifts they are given. This may be a small thing, but already there is an expectation that we will then identify and be identified by certain conditions.
I feel we live in soiety where boys are not raised to be the tender, sensitive and sweet boys that they are. Every role model, every add, every game, book and film show boys that they have to be tough, a fighter, the provider and that being tender and fragile is weak. I feel that a lot of men at this moment are not living the true man that they are but live with an enormous amount of pressure and tension.
I agree Marietta…there is enormous pressure on boys and men to ‘toughen up’, ‘be a man’; where crying is seen as a weakness and labeled being ‘a woos’, and yet the truth is men are naturally sensitive, tender beings – just as women are – and so to be living the exact opposite of this creates enormous tension within the body.
I so agree Mariette and Paula the tension that men and boys live under is huge, all based upon these false perceptions. It really exposes the fact that we are not truly recognising the true qualities boys and men naturally have and supporting them to live and be the true men and boys that they are. Tender, loving, sensitive and beautiful.
The “programming” to be something that they are naturally not, that our young boys (and girls) are on the receiving end of, pervades every part of their lives, and the effect on their bodies as they try to live something that they are not must be hugely harming. As you say Paula, it “creates an enormous tension within the body” and this will only serve to override their natural tenderness. And to think that this internal conflict begins at such a young age is shocking. It is our responsibility as adults to encourage the holding of our children’s natural qualities; those of tenderness, gentleness, joy and honesty, and from there they will have the freedom to be themselves in a world that entices them to be anything but.
In my experience with my 6 year old, it doesn’t take much for him to come back to his sweet and tender self. As kids they are not too far from this and bringing them back is something that they absolutely love. So whilst society has a lot of pressure, their tenderness is always nearby and is something they are more than happy to return to.
I did a technique called “talking to the body” about 20 years age and despite its origin, it actually worked because one part of it was simply listening to the body and I remember getting a very clear, simple and useful message.
Nikki, this is lovely to read and I can feel your love for your son and how you would make it so easy for him to be “his sweet and tender self”. I’ve seen other boys toughen up the minute dad comes on the scene as they very quickly respond to the picture he has of how they should be. Yet, as you say, ” their tenderness is always nearby” and the more we confirm it the more they can allow themselves to be that.
Even though sometimes there is extremely strong resistance, allowing our boys the opportunity to come back to their own tenderness and express themselves just being that is deeply healing, and they do absolutely love it Nikki, for there is nothing more awesome than feeling and living the truth of who they are.
There seems to be rules for boys and rules for girls. Girls can play with pink and babies, boys can play with blue and trucks. I have seen so many young boys being so playful with a pram and a baby, it is crazy that we sometimes forbid this natural imitation of a parent in favour of a games that will toughen them up.
Yes and the first and foremost pressure that sits beneath all the rest is simply that the world is saying to men that they are not OK just the way they are. So from the outset they are striving to be something to fit in with the outer ‘requirement’ whilst their bodies are always calling them back to their innate qualities.
What an incredible unit to teach – teaching kids to discern what they see in the world and how they are persuaded and manipulated is a responsibility we need to take very seriously as educators, adults and parents. Our kids are immersed in a different world in their upbringing and are bombarded with these ideals and beliefs. Bringing them a moment to be still and reflect is a life skill which will support them and is absolute gold.
How amazingly supportive to get taught at such an early age in how far we meet manipulation everywhere in our lives.
Yeah I agree I would have loved to have been more aware of the advertising game much earlier, it is actually deeply disturbing when you feel what is going on, and it is everywhere in many guises.
Indeed Vanessa, you feel that something is definitely not as it should be around you, but you cannot grasp it. Once you realise to what extend we are surrounded by manipulation it is a shock and a relief at the same time. A shock because the influence is so massive and a relief, because you finally can see behind the facades and decide in how far you are prepared to be manipulated or not.
Yes I agree that the degree of manipulation is shocking for all concerned. I am so glad this teacher was able to expose it with her students and bring their awareness to what is coming through such advertising.
l agree this is an incredibly excellent unit and amazing how young they were.
So true Gina, kids are constantly bombarded with pictures and messages and we need to support them to express how they feel about these so that they don’t ingest these and take them on as a measure of what they need to do or how they need to be.
I completely agree. The power and damage this bombardment of images actually does is huge, and does not stop as we get older. If we can be supported to learn about them from when we are young, then we can grow more with the knowing that we do not need to take them on. The effect this would have on society would be huge!
Yes , the pressure from the images that are projected onto children from every angle is massive and abusive. And it continues through into adult life – the whole thing is perpetuated, over and over. Allowing the natural qualities of tenderness and sensitivity to be nurtured and expressed breaks the cycle.
The world is paradoxical on this. It has no true discernment and awareness how damaging and abusive it portrays itself to kids. On the one hand the society makes campaigns against violence in schools for example and on the other hand the same society allows advertising for ‘toys’ where boys beat each other up.
Boys and girls are both bombarded by such mixed messages about how they need, should or ought to be in the world as they grow into men and women, no wonder there is such confusion. We need to celebrate the unique expression of each child as they grow, honouring their natural loveliness and embracing it rather than trying to change them to fit in with what we perceive is expected. Maybe we don’t want them to get hurt as we did, so toughen them up, but maybe that is what creates the hurts in the first place.
Very true, and if we help our kids to get aware and learn what actually is presented to them and how it changes their behaviour, they will be able to grow up and discern what is true for them and what isn’t.
I ask myself beyond advertising how influenced are we as a society just to be able to buy what in the moment seems to be fashionable and how much the style of clothes manipulate the behaviour of girls and boys. And I agree Sonja, our society seems to be quite conteoversial in its expression.
This is very true Amelia, ‘ The power and damage this bombardment of images actually does is huge’, at my son’s pre-school, a lot of the boys used to watch t.v programs about fighting and would then literally bring this behaviour into pre-school and start fighting amongst themselves or bring magazines such as teenage ninja turtles into pre-school which were basically all about fighting, this was very strange to see and rather disturbing and shows the power that t.v and media has on children.
There is a lot more responsibility we have to take as a whole world from the truth and heart of the issue.
I know I did not have this sort of education, I was taught what to remember. What has been shared is true education where you are presented something, you feel for yourself what is occurring and discuss to bring greater understanding that the whole evolves.. MAGIC.
True, Kristy, kids get bombarded CONSTANTLY with pictures and messages and hardly get or take the time to express what they feel with them. They sure need support with that to not take these images as normal or as how they should be and behave. And this doesn’t stop when we grow older. With the internet, smartphone, social media and all the other devices the whole world is in our face non stop. Truth, love and a true way of being however aren’t on offer a lot.
What concerns me most about this image making, Monika et al, is that children form a very young age are being encouraged to actively generate these images for themselves through many social media sites – they are no longer just being bombarded – they are bombard and then exhorted to create for themselves – one step further along the chain – and a devastating step it is.
Yes Kristy, good point – giving kids an opportunity to express what they are feeling is so supportive, for then they are less likely to “ingest these” or “to take them on” and also it trains them to be more aware of the fact that things are coming at them and know that they don’t have to take them on but can choose to say No to that energy.
I agree Kristy, allowing kids the space and support to express is paramount as it teaches them to discern and feel for themselves. Discerning and feeling how things effect us breaks the hold they have over us.
Yes Katie – it is so important for children to have that space to reflect on what is happening for them. It can become a true marker in their body for what is going on around them.
Thanks for this insight Kristy, supporting kids to express how they feel about the confusing and imposing input they receive from the world around them seems paramount to me. I know when I take the opportunity to speak with my grandson, I can feel his relief that someone is there to listen to him unemotionally and actually is interested in and non-judgmental about what he has to say.
I agree Katie and this is for us all. We often ‘go to the children’ first without bringing the same to ourselves. The first art of truly parenting is to bring what you are seeing to yourself first and live it prior to directing the children. So bring whatever you see to you and your way and then children will feel it before you actually speak. Children I have found very easily let go of things and move onto what is in front of them. So if you are ‘wanting’ something or ‘needing’ them to be a certain way, whatever that way looks like them it is just the same advertising they are seeing on TV. ‘We’ need to bring what we are saying with us and not just give talk about it. Children will just follow the ‘lived’ lead they have in front of them.
So true Ray, it’s our ‘lived’ lead that has more effect than any inspiring speech. Provided we are consistent in our behaviour the children will benefit and learn from being with us and we may not need to say much at all for they will pick it up from our way of being.
Yes Katie, this is super important, that children are given the space to express what is going on for them so that they feel truly met. What a different world we would live in if this were the case with every child.
Indeed I feel very moved by reading about such an exquisite gift that is being provided to these young people at such an early stage of their lives. This is actually a very necessary education about life, for them to deepen their connection, trust of their inner awareness and develop their ability to see through the persuasions and the manipulations that they will be bombarded with for years to come.
Yes so true Gina, to teach children life skills of discerning and self awareness is the most incredible foundation as the world presents different messages on so many different subjects which is a minefield without the ability to ascertain what is true.
I feel this as well Gina, what is being taught here for children to discern energy is absolute GOLD and in accordance with what Universal Medicine teaches. This should be taught everywhere in schools.
Indeed Gina – the more tools we give our children to deal with what comes at them (like advertising, social ideas etc), the greater the chance they have of actually understanding the world and how to NOT get sucked up into the hype of it all.
I love the idea of practical subjects like this one – there sure does need to be more!
I loved reading your observations anonymous. Universal Medicine has presented to me that men in their true expression are absolutely tender, sensitive, fragile and also caring. And in this caring role they often engage in more active endeavours than women who have more of a still, holding and nurturing expression. So it is natural for men in this caring role to feel to protect and set up communities and families to feel safe – but this innate quality has been totally bastardised in society for boys, young men and men. Instead they are encouraged to fight – the intention is to incite harm rather than calling out the harm and evil in society and presenting what is truth. When this occurs men are still caring but they are also still connected to their true essence of begin tender and sensitive. What society presents for them to be aggressors and protectors takes them so very far from who they truly are and the effects of denying their true expression has devastating effects on our relationships and societies.
It is not just boys who get an image of what men should be, girls and women begin to fit boys and men into this picture too. Before coming to Universal Medicine I had a very different picture of what I thought a man should be. Whilst looking back it definitely wasn’t true and I knew it, I was subscribing to the dictates of society when it came to how I thought a man should be. Tough, strong, able to fix anything… and whilst I secretly loved the qualities of tenderness, care and delicateness in a man I thought they were not to be shown too much. Glad I dumped that picture!
Hey Nikki, glad I ‘dumped that picture’ too. if we as woman hold a picture of what we think men should be like we hold them to it and it affects their behaviour unless they are able, as are many students of Universal Medicine, to openly express their sensitivity and love. And that then confirms that our picture was wrong. It just goes to show that whenever any of us are being truly who we are, we support others to see what is false and let go of it.
This is so true and it only takes one person to step into their glory and the ripple effect it has is ginormous. I am beginning to get a sense of the responsibility this entails, a responsibility in leading the way and offering another way to be and live.
I can relate to this Nikki. I did not want my boys too “different” so could feel the pull to encourage them to conform to the “normal” which was tough, strong, brave etc. Fortunately I could feel that this was not the way and did not go too far down this track but the pressure is certainly on to bury all sensitivity. I remember a relative saying to my teenage son prior to going to university that he had better start drinking alcohol so he could get used to it, implying that he would need to be this to manage at university!
Yes, it does require honesty as a woman to ‘fess’ up to having contributed to the limiting and debilitating prison of ideals and expectations placed on men. And I am very thankful to Universal Medicine for showing me that this picture of men couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Yes Stevie, I have purposely fed these ideals and beliefs knowing the truth yet I have not wanted or even been willing to see the sensitivity and tenderness in men because it made me feel very uncomfortable. Thanks to Universal Medicine I have begun to open up to men and see them for who they truly are.
The more I accept and appreciate my sensitivity, tenderness and delicateness within me, the more I can say ‘Yes’ to these qualities being expressed in a man.
Yes me too. And I had also taken on a notion that men were not truly capable of love – it was only women that truly loved. Men could just have their pick of who they wanted. So. not. true. but what I had somewhere along the line picked up and it was playing out with me. One of the (many) highlights of being a student of Universal Medicine is watching the men students, reclaim their divine, tender and loving nature. It is very sexy.
We have all fed the picture of the ideal man, but the beautiful aspect of that is that we can all starve it too! I have had a strong sense of wanting a man to take care of me, provide for me, keep the wolves of life at bay…oh, just recognising and writing this is as painful as it is liberating.
The images we subscribe to poison the holder as much as the person we impose them on.
So true Rachel, we have equally been fed these ideal ‘pictures’ and it causes divide between us. It is a great exercise to look at what we have unconsciously accepted that has no basis in truth.
True Nikki. Honestly before coming to Universal Medicine I had many pictures of what every type of person should be because that was what was bring reflected. At this point I knew it didn’t feel true as a whole but when I saw, mostly felt the true reflection of Serge Benhayon and many others- I went ahhh this is it. My body actually said yes.
Yes Johanna, getting to know Serge Benhayon has made a shift in my body as well. He has a totally loving and tender way to be with himself which I never saw in any man before. This changed my image concerning men, men do not need to be rough and hard, they are in truth deeply tender and sensitive people.
Awesome points Gina, from my experience of young boys in my teaching in early childhood these types of pressures begin for boys very early. I love what both you and anonymous have presented, it is compelling reading and highlights to me the fact that we need to honour the true qualities that boys innately have rather than continue as a society to impose these false ideals upon them.
…and is not doubt represented by the increase in domestic violence figures that keep on increasing year on year, our boys become men who hit their partners, that is so far from their true nature that it is deeply sad and something we urgently need to address.
It appears that quite a few men are becoming more and more removed from their true nature, using alcohol and drugs to support their behaviour, expressing more violence and aggressive behaviour towards family, partners and children. This is not the norm and we really need to start addressing what is going on.
I guess they need all that to keep up the unnatural state they are in. It must be hard work to suppress their natural sensitivity with such harsh behaviour.
Since coming to the presentations of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine I have come to understand how deep the issue of rejection goes for most if not all men – as from such an early age they have not been allowed to simply be themselves. This leads to anger and frustration, which can be pent up and cause depression or be expressed in outbursts of anger and/or the violence which sadly is so common. I feel the understanding of the innate sensitivity and tenderness of boys and men needs to be spread far and wide.
Otherwise we end up dealing with it at the end of a long and painful line. Although it is never too late to deal with things at any time, why should we allow men to suffer so deeply and for so long?
Absolutely agree Josephine. I know so many young and older men who are bound up with their own anger and frustration at not being allowed to be who they are because society has dictated otherwise. the harm this does is so far reaching and has an enormous impact on the individuals and all those around them. Boys and men do have such an innate sensitivity and an essence of true tenderness and it is very sad that this gets shut down at such an early age. Many men who are students of Universal Medicine are breaking down these old ideals and beliefs and we have a beautiful, tender and deeply sensitive group of men emerging who are willing to speak up for the truth and are leading the way forward for others to be inspired by.
Very true, Josephine men are very tender and do suffer from rejection from an early age. The anger and frustration or depression and withdrawal that they may then express with are a diversion from the truth of what was being felt, as being tender and expressing hurts are not accepted as normal for men. When boys grow into men from this hurt, violence could have become their norm in expression, and how much of that is then used to hurt women and the world? How would this widen the rift of inequality between the genders? Sympathy or condoning of abuse towards men then keeps everyone imprisoned in a state of who we are not, and the whole world has made what is not normal, normal.
I could not agree more Adele, what you have so well described is an unspoken blight on our society.
Here, here Bernard.
Yes it was not until coming to the presentations of Serge Benhayon that I have come to understand and appreciate how the fear of rejection has been such a motivational and driving force behind my actions throughout my life. It has been a huge revelation and release to let go of the huge anchor-chain it was.
I appreciate the love in what you have said Rachel and Adele, it’s beautifully expressed with immense compassion for men . Why indeed should we allow men to suffer so deeply and for so long?
I cannot even conceptualise how devastating it would be to be rejected for being sensitive…it’s an unspoken crime and is, simply, abusive – an abuse we have collectively allowed to be for a very long time.
That understanding is such a key factor Josephine, I have experienced anger and frustration myself and seen it in many other men I know, it is amazing to link this to the root cause and understand that this behaviour is just a response to the unnatural environment we have created that hasn’t allowed men to be who they are, which is naturally very sensitive, gentle and tender. What is needed is more men who start to express this and offer this to the world, an antidote to the macho guff that surrounds us all every day.
Absolutely agree, I know many men who were not really allowed to be themselves when they where kids, that has lead to anger and frustration. I personally have seen some of these outburst due to pent up frustration. These men are very naturally sensitive and tender, but they have these outburst. What I have found supported them was to openly express how they are feeling, why the frustration and built up or anger. Nearly all of them shared it back to childhood experience where they were not allowed to express.
Absolutely Rachel and Adele, very true and sad.
I agree Josephine, feeling my rejection nearly paralyses me. My heart sinks and I feel like I fall to the ground even though I am still standing. Before attending Universal Medicine I would of protected my rejection with everything I had. Now I’m more open and allowing my sensitivity to be, this is there to feel and become aware of, and choices need to be more loving and not in anger or frustration.
That is so beautiful and sweet Rachel “Although it is never too late to deal with things at any time, why should we allow men to suffer so deeply and for so long?”. If I was always deeply understood, from a man or a woman, like you just expressed there is no way I would hide what I feel. In fact i’m going to give myself all the permission in the world to feel this.. thank you for touching me so deeply..
I agree wholeheartedly Josephine, with what you say here, the need for us to more understand the innate sensitivity and tenderness of boys and men, and to support and encourage them to come back to this natural way.
It is indeed deeply sad to see a boy become a man who is in the throws of suffering so much from his lack of connection to who is truly is, that he can abuse a woman or anyone in even the smallest of ways.
The set up for boys to become a man is so ridiculous wrong. It is sad to see the abuse, yes it is actually an abuse, to train a boy to be someone who he is not, but to fit into the system. Nothing less than breeding dogs to be proud for the successful training at the end for mastering becoming the opposite who he truly is. Men are sensitive just as women. How wrong is all this.
It’s true Sara, they know connection, they know tenderness and what is a loving way to treat another person yet the reflection some young boys receive does not show reward for that behaviour, in fact it gets them bullied and worse still beaten up.
As well as the increasing incidence of male perpetrators in relation to domestic violence etc, we are also seeing an incidence in females becoming harder, tougher and more aggressive , so is it not that we all have a responsibility to connect to the tenderness that we all naturally are? It is definitely something we as a community need to address.
True Angela, once we connect with our own tenderness and fragility it helps others do so too. This will also reduce the need for men to act tough to impress women or other men for in actual fact they are all sensitive and capable of great tenderness as witnessed in the sweetness of the little boy before he is conditioned to act like a man.
“Boys and Men are deeply sensitive and need to be fully honoured and allowed to express this natural way of being without any form of rejection whatsoever”. That is beautiful Amina and very much needed.
I agree Katinka and Amina – honouring the sensitivity and tenderness of the men around us is hugely empowering, and we need to see this as such. Likewise as it is for ourselves as women.
I absolutley agree Katinka and Amina. Boys and men are deeply sensitive and we do need to honour this in them with no judgement, whatever the circumstances. I know I have judged many men in the past, but as I learn to let go of my own hurts am much more able to be understanding and accepting of where they are, so judgement and rejection lessens and true relationships are abel to flourish.
I agree Katinka, the more we see each other as deeply sensitive, loving and caring beings and so treat each other from this place the more we will naturally be ourselves. Otherwise we teach our children they have to be tough and harden up to get through life rather than staying with their sweet, exquisite tenderness.
I agree. This is so needed as boys start out so tender. Just yesterday my daughter asked me why men don’t share their feelings or cry when they are sad. The truth is society has shut them down from this connection, from expressing what they feel and making it something that they shouldn’t do. Very sad really.
I agree johanna08′ it is not something that is encouraged. I deeply appreciate my children asking me these questions as it reminds me to question what I have taken as normal.
Yes, boys do start out with such tenderness but it very quickly gets closed off from a very early age. There is such an expectation that boys should grow up to be tough and capable of all things ‘manly’, which is a sad indictment on our society. I have seen it time and time again in young boys, putting on a brave face so as not to be shown up by their peers (or parents), when actually what they really want is to feel deeply loved and show their innate tenderness. And we all have a responsibility for allowing this to happen, men and women alike.
What you have shared Mary is so true. So simple, yet, we can over complicate this aspect so very much. We think that when we distract, go for a run, go to the gym, drink, eat naughty foods etc that this will make us feel better. But it does not. Being able to feel what is there, not run away from the issue or problem, is what one needs to do to truly heal. And yes, how do you know when it is gone, you definitely do feel lighter, more joyful and open to new possibilities and people.
I understand this man Mary, as there was a time when I would try to cover up how I was really feeling so people wouldn’t see I wasn’t coping. How lovely it is though when we can just be as we are and it’s amazing how much support is there once we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This allows for an open space instead of the closed wall that we put up when we pretend everything is okay.
Beautifully expressed Gina. I am loving seeing men embrace their tenderness and sensitivity. Being of an older generation I now see the pressure that men were under to hide their sensitivity then – it feels like it was even more so than now.
I agree – it is so gorgeous to see men embrace their tenderness and sensitivity. It takes away the comparison with men and women when we can appreciate what we bring in this way.
Yes – that rejection and the fear of it is what keeps so may men and boys from expressing their innate sensitivity. Simply ridding ourselves of the tendency to reject this would tremendously support men in being their natural selves.
Gina, I love how you described the natural expression of men to take care and protect their families and communities. And it is very true that without the possibility to connect to their true and tender essence, this natural expression is bastardized to fighting modus. To allow and support boys in their natural and tender expression, we as a society have to speak up and encourage our adult men to start this process too.
Yes Gina, you only have to see the number of cases of men suffering from PTST to see that these were sensitive men going into battle probably not even with the conscious realisation that they would have to kill a man. This is a good point you make that we encourage them to fight “to incite harm rather than calling out the harm and evil in society and presenting what is truth.” Were we all to focus on calling out the harm and evil we would expose the futility of war, rather than firing up nationalistic passion which magnifies the belief in harm being done to us and therefore produces the need to protect at all costs.
I love the difference you have highlighted Gina, the way boys are raised to combat evil, instead of calling out evil. That’s a great observation of the behaviours that destabilises the true expression of a boy and overrides their sensitivities and tenderness that says it’s not ok to be who you are naturally.
I agree – can you imagine a generation brought up to speak up against evil and call out abuse
I agree Amina, devastating is the word, the rates of suicide among young men and the issues with body image, eating disorders and domestic violence all point to a society that is not working for many many young men. It is easy to feel the hardness in men as we are conditioned to toughen up and take life on the chin, yet also ridiculed for expressing among peers and showing any gentler characteristics. The whole charade is such a nonsensical game where nobody wins. The question we need to ask is why we don’t want men to open up and express tenderly, for if we did create space for that our societies would be utterly transformed.
Totally agree Stephen. I get the sense that people feel threatened by the possibility that men are just as sensitive and gentle as women with societal expectations strongly encouraging the continuation of the existing divisions between the sexes. Yet it is exquisite when I meet men who aren’t afraid to show their tender side to others. Why on earth would we want men to hide this away or see it as a flaw??
Exactly Helen, I love it when men show their tenderness and I appreciate this in men and boys. It is very beautiful to see and to feel and this allows me to be the tender and fragile women I am, too.
Hello Helen, we have created a world that has changed the meaning of words over time and continues to do so. So when you hear words like ‘sensitive’ and ‘gentle’ you immediately see this as a weakness. Then you couple this by telling or men thinking they need to be ‘strong’, you have men walking or avoiding anything that even smells like a weakness. Many men are showing the strength in sensitivity and vulnerability and it is a strength beyond anything we see in this world. These men don’t need to leap tall buildings as they have nothing to prove because they are everything before they even step out of bed.
It is indeed exquisite when I meet a man who is being tender and caring and not afraid to hide his sensitivity and vulnerability. When I have witnessed a man cry in the past, I would feel extremely uncomfortable even harden my body for it was not something I was used to. Today I am always in awe and find it incredibly healing and inspiring when I see a man cry for I know the changes that are taking place within his body and the impact of the release is having is huge.
You have worded that really well Stephen and you have really nailed it with the conundrum that is crushing men leaving them bewildered to what it is that is being asked of them..be tough, be rough, but be sensitive when we want it, but not a wuss…there is very little in this world that shows a true role model for a man and it takes a whole heap of courage to turn around and start expressing the true tender en sensitive man. I applaud all that do and it would be a whole lot simpeler if we, the adults now, would accept our boys for who they are so they can grow up being just that, who they innately are.
Beautifully said Carolien. I 100% agree.
Stephen, I can so relate to what you have written here, ‘It is easy to feel the hardness in men as we are conditioned to toughen up and take life on the chin, yet also ridiculed for expressing among peers and showing any gentler characteristics.’ I work in a primary school and notice how sweet and naturally gentle the younger boys are, but as the boys grow older the behaviour becomes more hard and tough, it seems that this is what is expected of them, the one’s that remain sensitive and gentle are often picked on, there is so much pressure on them – it’s so crazy and i can see how the ‘maning up’ and ‘toughening up’ starts at this young age and carries on probably even more intensely into adulthood.
Yes Rebecca, it is a crazy situation we have created, such pressure to be hard and not show any vulnerability. Yet feeling vulnerable as a man is actually quite an exquisite feeling. It is hard to write the words delicate and sensitive in relation to being a man as it exposes what is often felt to be a weakness. But if we can get over that feeling then the rewards are there as we are no longer held imprisoned by the idea that we have to act a certain way.
Well said, it would be utterly transformed. I definitely want to be there for that!
Stephen this is a good question: ” why we don’t want men to open up and express tenderly”? I sense that we women are playing a part here – do we want the ‘knight on the white charger’ to ‘save’ us? Do we feel safer if we feel that the man is strong and able to fight? If we women were able to honour a man’s sensitivity it would support him to allow that in himself and there would be less pressure on him to prove himself as a man. But in order to do that we need to live that way ourselves by reconnecting with our true inner strength which allows ourselves to be as we are and not try to be a certain someone for anyone else.
That is very well summed up Gina, how we train men from being naturally caring and tender to becoming protective and aggressive. If all men would acknowledge their tenderness and sensitivity there would be no men left wanting to go to war and that would be that chapter closed for ever.
Yes this has also been my experience. I know baby boys are just as tender and loving and baby girls, there is no difference. What I do notice is that men find it especially important to establish some sort of male way of relating to their sons, that is very different to how they relate to daughters. When a 2 year old boy cries, they tend to say ” man up!” Yet a 2 year old girl who cries gets a very different response. I often see men immediately deciding that the newborn son will be a ” Collingwood supporter” etc, without even considering if the son is keen on football or is alarmed by the rough and tumble of the game. I do feel boys are imposed upon from a very early age, to be competitive and to be tough. This is to their great detriment, with men’s depression and suicide rates escalating, we have to be prepared to see we got somethjng very wrong with how men have to be in society.
What an amazing opportunity we have to change a mainstream view of how society should be. By presenting what is going on, and what is not true, then we have a marker to make a difference. I agree that boys face extreme amounts of pressure to be men and blokes before they are tender, sensitive people who are naturally very caring.
To debase these ideals is to provide boys of the future with a foundation of love rather than of expectation. What an amazing and much needed change this would bring. Then perhaps what is considered normal will be challenged to its core.
Thank you Gina. Through Universal Medicine, I have also experienced how men in their true expression are tender, sensitive, fragile and caring. It is true that society does take men far from who they truly are by painting a false picture of what it means to be a man.
A great call out Gina of the bastardisation of the natural quality of boys and men to be caring and protective. How did care and tenderness become aggression and violence? Why have we allowed that to happen as a society? We would indeed be much better off when we encouraged boys and men to call out what they know to be harmful and evil rather than fight it.
This is so needed, as you say Amina, boy and men are deeply sensitive, and this is what I appreciate and connect to when I am with men and boys. They are sweet and delicate, just not allowing this side to be seen, because society sees this side as a weakness. But it is so the opposite to weak, I see a man in his fragility and natural sensitiveness as very beautiful and powerful.
I agree Gina, men and women have different expressions, not more or less than another, but equally needed. And when a mans natural expression is prevented from expressing and bastardised by society, everyone losses and misses out on what they can bring.
So often we get hurt and carry the scars which mean we end up blaming others for the pain we carry. This can then impact on so many unrelated relationships.
I certainly agree with you Gina. I remember how innately sensitive I was as a little boy. So much physical, emotional and pschological abuse went on in my home and in my family. One situation that stands out for me was when I was around 8 years old I remember standing in my parents bedroom with my dad telling me if anyone at school was bullying me to punch them in the nose. I know he loved me with all he had and this is probably how he was brought up…
I ended up carrying out this act and lost respect with a good friend. It did not make me feel good at all. I’m thankful to Universal Medicine for getting me in touch with my sensitivity again.
I totally agree Monika that it is devastating indeed and that is why illness and disease are sky-rocketing at alarming rates and suicides occurring within younger and younger generations. It’s beautiful to see a man embodying his playful and tender qualities, all boys have a right to not ever lose this because of what society bombards us with.
Yes Amina, and this honouring is something that needs to be brought right back to when our children are young, so that we are encouraging and supporting this tenderness and sensitivity instead of telling them (indirectly or directly) that they should hide, avoid, bury or deny these qualities, and who they truly are.