I have lived with and raised my son on my own for the majority of the last 8 of the 11 years of his life and have been learning that the responsibility of being a parent is not what I first thought it was.
My Son and I and Being a Parent
In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being. Therefore, with the birth of my son, I proceeded to construct a life between us that protected what was my ‘ideal of love’.
For me being loved meant being understood; therefore whenever I felt I was not understood, I would use this as an excuse to isolate from the world and focus entirely on making the relationship with my son to be everything that I needed.
Instead of taking up the responsibilities of being a parent, I would make sure no conflicts existed between us; I would pander to all my son’s demands and more often than not, fulfill them. Indeed the relationship between my son and I seemed harmonious on the surface because he would always get what he wanted.
For example, I would let him have his dinner while watching TV, so there was no true communication every time we ate, or I allowed him to indulge in excessive video game playing because I had to work, even though this made him aggressive and bad tempered. I would go all out in all ways to appease any potential conflict.
Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us.
There was no true harmony within our relationship or in being a parent, as I needed my son to fit into my way of life and offer me company. Very soon he knew he could ask me for anything because of what my needs were. I started to realise that the relationship between my son and I was no different from any close relationship I have had with others, especially with men.
However, eventually the grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself could no longer be ignored. The pain of ignoring how I truly felt in many everyday situations and not expressing my truth got too immense. Every single day I was living with a deep sadness that would explode into crying episodes once in a while. I was never completely free from this grief, no matter what I tried.
Taking Self Responsibility: Building a True Relationship with my Son
The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known. That is:
The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.
It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.
The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behaviour that were controlling my life. After eleven years of being a mother I have finally become a truly responsible parent, without perfection. There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.
For example, even when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.
I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.
My son used to always say when he was younger: “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” Now I realise the truth of this sentence and what a true relationship is. What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for forever opening and deepening my knowing and living of the true love that I am.
By Adele Leung, Fashion stylist/Art director, Hong Kong
Related Reading, Building True Relationships and Responsible Parenting
557 Comments
Adele I could have been reading about myself and my son, the relationship built on need and on pandering but no true love. I consider that one of the greatest blessings I’ve received in this life is the wisdom shared by Serge Benhayon in relation to self-responsibility and honesty for it allowed me to examine in painful detail the reasons I chose to have a child on my own, to fill an emptiness in me and in my life, to bring love to my life. How arrogant and imposing on another – no wonder he used to be so demanding and angry! From the point of honesty I’ve then come to know that another can never bring me anything for everything I need is already within me. As I claim this more and more each day the expansion of the relationship with my son is so beautiful – he gets to be who he is as I live who I am. It’s certainly a different way of parenting and one that is so needed.
Thank-you Adele, for a truly inspiring blog. What a blessing you and your son are to each other. There are so many inspiring lines I could choose, but I choose this one for now ~
“…and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are…”
This is something I constantly work at reminding myself when I begin to go into self-doubt or some other innocuous emotion, and that’s ugly and just limits me from becoming who I truly am.
Your photo feels so full of joy and playfulness, truly lovely!
Adele, I recognize a lot in what you wrote. My son is 20 years old, and in his younger years, I also used him to fill up the voids I felt in my life with myself and my relationships. We went through a difficult time in his puberty and often I felt desperate , because I could not reach him. Now I have more love for myself and that reflects on our relationship, I am letting go of wants and needs for it to be a certain way and can truly honor the beautiful person he is. I do not own him, nor can I make choices for him. Basically, I let go of ‘doing’ a mother, and became ‘being’ a parent.
Thank you Adele for your sharing back to a truly loving relationship with your son – I am sure that there are so many parents that can relate to your story. A great teaching of how returning to your true expression of love has such a magnificent effect in the world, touching everyone. The more that return to this way of parenting, the generations will heal them selves.
I also really love one of the last lines – What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined. – Stunning as this love can only deepen day by day.
Very well said, Simone, the choice to be true to ourselves has an affect on everyone and everything around us, so the world changes each time we commit to love.
Beautiful blog Adele thank you. It is so true, the basis of our relationship with ourselves does form the basis of every relationship in our lives and the ones we build as children will influence our future ones too. How gorgeous for your son to now have the opportunity to build his relationship with himself because one of his main roles models, his mum, has chosen to this for her self too. This is real education in action.
True, gorgeous and very recognizable your sharing. Thanks Adele. Especially:
‘I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.’
This is my experience in being the mother of 2 children too. The foundation of any relationship is the relationship with ourselves. The more loving we are with ourselves and take responsibilty for our choices and our lives the richer and truly loving the relationship with others can be.
Thank You Adele for such a clear and common sensical approach to parenting. Regardless if one is a parent or not the idea of the relationship we have with ourselves is the base of our relationship with others. And how important that is in providing a certain quality when teaching children how to form relationships based on their first interactions with others. What really stuck with me today was that remembering of who we are, a quality of love, underneath what we do or should we react to another is the best starting point. Thank you.
I know this one Adele as I too had my children from a place of need to full-fill the sadness and loneliness I felt and then threw myself into being the best mother I could with little regard for myself. The mess I created by allowing my eldest to rule me, I am now slowly undoing. It’s been challenging at times as I take responsibility for what I’ve chosen, however the joy I feel more and more within along with the amazing connection and confirming heart expansion felt when I look into my children’s eyes melts me, making it all worthwhile. The love and support I’ve been shown and presented by Universal Medicine and then chosen for myself, I deeply appreciate as I am now better positioned to raise these sweet boys in a truer and more loving way. It’s ongoing but always comes back to how I am, how I care and love for myself so I am able to be there for them, support them, guide them on their journey through life so they have the opportunity to grow into men who can do the same for themselves and in turn be there for others.
Adele this is beautiful, there are so many ideals and believes around parenting. True parenting asks from us to let go the how it should be or look and to open up to the love we are and share with our children and everybody else. You are a great example of true parenting.
Thank you Adele I am blown away by the honesty with which you have shared your parenting journey and how your realisation that you had ‘never lived a truly loving relationship with myself’ impacted all your relationships and the way you parented. Having been a single parent for most of my daughter’s life I can feel how much of my behaviour and parenting was based on my needs rather than taking responsibility for looking after myself first and then parenting from there.
Brilliant piece Adele. Parenting is hugely important since it brings forth our next generation and how we raise them sets not only a way of being for them as individuals but also as part of the wider humanity and eventually as parents themselves. So for you to rediscover honesty and true parenting to share with your son, and all of us, is immense.
Adele, thank you for sharing your parenting story. I myself have experienced how easy it is to hide behind my child when I make my life all about them. It is very freeing, if not uncomfortable and exposing at times, when you begin to parent by simply being yourself. Recently I had to talk to my daughter and we came up with some consequences for some particular choices being made and although they were very firm, they were offering her nothing less than love and she felt that. A confirmation of the fact that she is looking for guidance and support and the more I deliver on this front the more supported she feels.
So true Sally, although not a parent myself I too have hidden behind other people in order to not deal with my own issues. I love how you spoke with your daughter and explored the consequences. This is true guidance, the ability to not react but to clearly explore what the future will look like if we choose a, b or c. It teaches us so much, a way to feel forward, to include other people and to see how one choice based on our own needs plays out in everyone’s lives. We can only do this for another if we are choosing to live this for ourselves and so it reinforces the message in Adele’s article that everything hinges on the relationship we build with and for ourselves.
What a beautiful liberation for you both. So many of us have been caught in a relationship founded on need and expectation, that really is only emotionally self-serving and absent of the true joy of connection, as I also have done. Your commitment to true love and your choice to return to a true relationship with yourself and your love based on truth, honesty, understanding and appreciation is such a powerful reflection to your son (and everyone) on how a true relationship feels as you have beautifully expressed – ‘The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.’- truly inspiring. Thank you Adele.
What I enjoyed about this sharing is your honesty of what its like as a parent and what you have gone through. Also seeing how you were able to recognise the patterns you had developed with your son and then made the effort to make it about love not need.
I love the way you put this Kristy, recognising the patterns and making the effort to make it about love not need. Making life and relationships about true love does take work after many years living the opposite of this. I Like to remind myself whenever I am feeling challenged by an old pattern and it feels as if I will never be free of it, that I have a choice, and that with understanding and with commitment, that old pattern will eventually be no more, and love will take its place.
Your blog gives such a clear picture of your life and relationship with your son before and after taking the responsibility for developing a relationship with yourself first, Adele. Before feels like you were trying to be in control and never were, whereas after gives me this feeling of an ever expanding and deepening love between you and the freedom to express the truth.The joy in both your faces in the photo is a delight to see.
This is a great sharing Adele. What you say is very familiar and I reflected on the trials and tribulations I had when my son was younger and I was parenting from the neediness you touch on here. So easy to say yes to what we know is not true when we want to get on with work or want to avoid the explosive reactions from a child that has been told no. So lovely to feel and understand that there is another way and that it is perfectly possible to live it. Thank you for offering inspiration.
Adele I was deeply touched reading this. It is rare to read a parent write with such honesty and integrity. The other thing that struck me was how much what you wrote applies to all relationships – I guess the constant is that it always starts with the relationship we have with ourselves and the rest is a reflection.
When I see and accept that all relationships are reflections, I am open to the opportunities on offer – taking responsibility for my part in everything and therefore being inspired and willing to learn and grow. Thank you, Nicola.
Wow Nicola, what a profound way of being in relationships, simply building that connection with ourselves that will then naturally transpire to our relationships with others
What you have expressed here is so true, Adele. In some ways it is easier to pander to our children but we pay the price of not having a relationship based on truth and honesty .
” when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this”. These are such wise words and are so very pertinent for me at the moment. Thank you.
Adele as a mother of 7, I can completely relate to having relationships with children based on need. I am so grateful that I have embraced greater responsibility for myself in the last few years which has naturally flowed onto a more responsible and equal relationship with my children.
Thank Adele for you openness and honesty. This is such a powerful acknowledgment of how we can believe we are being loving but in fact in truth not and how True Love is based must come from Truth. I know from my own experience of parenting I was coming from need and now learning it is never too late to change.
Thank you Adele – it was so lovely to read your blog. It brought to mind my own need to build a close relationship with my children to protect me from the world, and rather than doing this it only separated me from the world. It has been amazing how my view of the relationship has changed over the years as I establish a more mature and balanced way of living life and this has allowed me to be more understanding and loving. I can now love them as they are as I stand back and watch them unfold along their own chosen path.
Adele,
I can see from just looking at the photograph in this blog – the immense amount of love there is between you and your son – and the absolute joy with which you now live.
I also see this same amount of love shared with everyone you meet and how you hold yourself and others.
That is a long way from a sad and overwhelmed woman you once thought you were.
Your gentleness and feminine quality that I see in you today and that comes across in your writing, your relationships, and the way you live – is an absolute inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing so honestly your journey.
“When true love is our commitment…then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined” – Beautiful Adele. I think a lot of people would look at a relationship like you had with your son a few years ago, and see it as successful; you managed to maintain a job, work hard, while he was quite happy on his own playing ‘video games’, watching TV and so forth. But what you’ve shared is that as a parent you hold a greater responsibility than that – it’s up to you to be absolute love with him, and listen to what he has to say, also to not let him distract himself from the amazing young man he is growing up to become. In a way when you start treating him more as an equal than a ‘little boy’ then the relationship becomes one where your expression, and your sons can support each other.
I can really relate to what you have said here Adele as recently, nearly 7 years into parenthood, it has been dawning on me also just how much responsibility we do have as parents to reflect true love to our children and this starts with the simple fact that they can see and feel every day the level of self love I hold myself in. There is no hiding.
I so love this article Adele. Especially the part about how when you reflect true love, your son is able to choose that for himself as well.
Thank you, Adele. I can relate to much of what’s been shared in terms of needing the relationship with my children to be a certain way simply to fulfil me. I too am learning that my relationship with and how I care for myself is what affects the quality of relationship I have with my children as well as anyone else.
I always wanted to be the best friend to my kids and not the mother. I have noticed that this was a need from me to be seen from my kids as the cool friend. The friends of my kids did love to come to our place and being at home with us. Now I know that I had expected something back to be seen as someone special, but this was a lie.
Thank you Adele. This is a wonderful testimony to the power of how loving yourself can change our closest relationships by allowing us to open up to the truth in them and see whether we are harbouring any hidden needs. By doing this we make the space for true connection to take place and a true relationship to grow.
Adele thank you for setting the record straight on what true parenting is about. I am sure your earlier experiences were shared by many people. Your points about the anguish you felt when not expressing you resonate and made me reflect that perhaps much of the frustration and angst in life comes from holding back what we feel to express but do not.
You have hit the nail on the head here, Adele. Committing to our relationship with ourselves and addressing any unloving patterns or beliefs there, frees us up to just be ourselves and enjoy our relationships with others. Being a parent provides so many opportunities to let go of all that stuff and simply be with them.
A powerful subject Adele – thank you for sharing this with us. I was particularly struck when you were writing “Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love”. There have been many instances when I have reacted first to a situation with my kids which just leads to either defending my corner, or attacking theirs. However, its understanding that is the key to being able to hear what is truly going on and keeps me open to my kids, and in all my relationships.
I’m sure many parents can relate to what you have shared Adele, but perhaps aren’t so willing to admit. It is tough to realise that the people you ‘love’ the most, you haven’t been truly loving, because you have lacked love for yourself to begin with.
Your article shows us all that it is possible to live differently and bring that richness of real love into all of our relationships.
Very true Kylie, and as what is between a parent and a child is a relationship, it can be tough to admit that we have fallen for needs and not love–from both sides. So it is how consistent we are with loving ourselves and therefore how consistently we are with truly loving our children. And whether we keep expressing and connecting about all of this–which is all about communication in equality.
Our children are so precious. They all deserve to be raised in awareness of what love is and what it means. They absolutely know what it is but more often than not, don’t get truly held in it and it is not something that is articulated as an everyday norm, so things can become complicated. As you say Adele love and need are often confused and within this context, which I can certainly relate to, the parent can lose perspective of what parenting is all about whilst thinking they are doing ok. Thank you for sharing, especially that the key to being a loving parent is to love yourself first. When this is our foundation, nothing unloving can get past us – it has to be called out and so our little cherubs can learn the responsibility of their choices!
Hi Adele great blog but I’d love to know how your son handled the transitional period between being pandered to and being parented in a more true way. Did you do it gradually or just rip the plaster off?
Great call Kevin, I’d love to read about this too!
Hi Kevin, the transitional period from my son reflected for me 2 things–whether what was re-introduced was truly loving and whether I was consistent in being truly loving.
I tried so many different ways, but ultimately it had to come back to a lot of understanding and reading of my son and the situation every time, and that would not have been possible had I not first allowed immense acceptance and understanding towards myself.
Adele this is beautiful – the key always comes back to a deep appreciation, understanding and acceptance of ourselves first and foremost. What a beautiful transition time for your son to also understand and accept himself too.
“understanding and reading of my son and the situation every time, and that would not have been possible had I not first allowed immense acceptance and understanding towards myself”.
This is a great question Kevin. I am curious to know as well.
Elizabeth, Debra, Candida, Kevin–that would be an upcoming blog, stay tuned!
So true, when we start being honest, then true to ourselves, and start making loving choices, the truth of what we have previously accepted as the way things are, including ‘loving’ relationships, gets exposed, and offers us a choice to re-imprint with true love.
“How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives”. For me this is the essence Adele. When we are truly responsible parents, we are laying the foundation for our children to be the same.
Thank you Adele Leung, for presenting your story on parenting. It tells me that how we relate to ourselves is also reflected in the way we parent our children. I can relate to the fact of taking on the responsibility of being a parent does also requires me to reflect on the responsibility I have for my own life. Do I choose to have a true relationship with myself first or do I choose to have a relationship with how I should be as dictated from the society? I too used to have a life based on the given ideals and beliefs, reacting to life instead of letting my inner beauty be my guide and this way of living was also reflected in the way I parented my children. It is so freeing both for how I am with myself and in my relationship with my children that I have taken the responsibility for my own life and for all the relationships thereafter.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be” – if we do not live who we are but try to stage up a life we would like to have, we will never live in the moment and therefore never be fully where we should be. By choosing to look at ourselves first, we will learn that everything we meet in life is there for us to learn and grow – and that it is only ourselves who can change our lives and by that change the world.
I love how you show us Adele that in bringing true understanding to yourself, you bring this to your son and actually to everyone else. What you say relates so strongly to each and everyone of us as we parent ourselves as sons of God.
This is a great blog Adele, very well written. I love how you are exposing the needs that you had when you had your son – that you were lonely and hoped he could fill the emptiness. It definitely plays out then, with peoples parenting by letting them get their way and have what they want, to not supposedly loose them. It’s crazy what some Mothers will do for their children at the expense of their self. I love that you are claiming your responsibility and raising your son in a more true and honouring way. If it’s truly honouring for you then it’s honouring for them.
Thanks for your awesome blog Adele. I have been playing around with different ways of parenting as I realised that following what society had shown me, was not really working for me or my daughter.
I have come to realise that my old laissez-faire approach was totally irresponsible and it was based on my need for my daughter to like and love me and think I was a “cool” parent.
These days I am a lot firmer but still need to work on that, not in a hard way, but just as a way of showing what the boundaries are from a place of love and respect for everyone around us. It is no longer just about me and her.
Brilliant Rosie. You have encapsulated something for me: firm does not have to be hard – that firm, consistent and clear is love – thank you.
I agree Rosie. I too have learned that love is sometimes firm and always consistent, and that boundaries are truly loving and supportive of children so they may learn for themselves what love truly is.
Already trying to be a good mum is something that does not feel true to me, many mums are giving themselves away to their families. Only when a women stays true to herself she is able to be a real reflection to her kids.
Adele, the amazing turn around in your relationship with you, your son and others offer true inspiration to the many trapped in false ideals of love. Your story is so beautifully captured by the two powerful quotes: “The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship” And “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’ “.
Adele, as the mother of a 13 yr old this topic is one that I ponder on a lot. Our own needs get in the way of all of our relationships but because children can be influenced so easily then our needs can play havoc with our children. I have consciously let go of my need to feel loved by my son and am attempting to love him regardless of whether or not he expresses love back. I am currently working on my need for him to do certain things (drink water, apply sunscreen) as this simply feels like nagging and at the age of 13 he should be free to feel the consequences of his own choices. I have been exploring why I feel the need to control what he and others do and I recognize that it is to lessen my possible discomfort if things don’t go my way.
Another open and honest article Adele. There is a great responsibility in being a parent and it is easy to accept what we think we should do to be a good parent. I totally agree with what you have written, “the foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we should be”. There is a consistency in this way of being, that we then reflect to our children.
Thank you Adele, for sharing with us all the power of taking responsibility for parenting and showing what true love in a parenting role is- not pandering , not neediness.
Instead in its simplicity it starts with: -“I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.”
Its so true that the way we parent is very exposing of how our relationship with ourselves is. Over the years I have developed a more loving relationship with myself which reflects on how I am not only with my children but all others as well. It’s also constantly showing me what I need to work on. What a blessing to have this constant reflection, all I need to do is be open to what it is showing me and continue to learn and grow from there.
I agree that it is a blessing to have this constant reflection and the opportunity to learn and grow.
Thank you Adele. It takes courage to look at our past behaviours and beliefs and then take action to make those changes. Even though I am not a parent, I feel what you are saying crosses over into all relationships. I feel very inspired by your loving and consistent way that you have developed with your son. The photo says it all.
I love this blog, Adele. I went through a period in my life where I put my children’s needs way above my own. I thought I was being a ‘good mother’, but this exhausted me and therefore wasn’t beneficial for anyone. Universal medicine has also supported me to understand that you can’t truly love another until you love yourself. My building of a foundation of self-love and self-care supports our whole family and gives the children a reflection that they may also choose self-love.
What an extraordinary and inspiring transformation you have gone through Adele!
I love the detail you have gone into about how you used to be with your son as it so graphically reveals how our relationships with others reflect exactly what state we ourselves are in – do we truly love ourselves or not, or are we using others to fulfil a need or cover a hurt. Through our true love – that still and beholding love – we can truly allow our children to grow and bloom naturally, and not distort them into something that is not them.
Thank you Adele!
This is beautifully said Lyndy, if we allow our kids to grow up naturally and letting them be who they are, it is allowing a loving relationship in the family. This experience is what they can take to their next relationship in their life. What a great start for kids to know parenting with love as a marker for truth.
A great blog, Adele, showing such an enormous change in the way that you now approach parenting. I particularly like the sentence “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” Yes, I agree with you. When we really begin to understand and love ourselves, then we just know how to understand and love our children. From that, we know exactly how to be with them and how to handle their behaviours. A wonderful learning for you in your relationship with your son. I would certainly have benefitted from this knowledge when I was bringing up my two sons many years ago. But to the best of my ability, I now use this knowledge in my interactions with them as very mature men.
I am not a parent but relate to everything you have shared in all relationships in my life, especially ones with men.
Great point Laura the old keeping the peace in order to not be alone. Doesn’t end with anyone feeling that great yet we seem driven to avoid being alone at all costs. I have found the more I express the more I am free to share how I really feel with my partner and other relationships and also with myself.
So true Vanessa. I had this just yesterday and had the opportunity to squish myself and not ‘go there’ with a situation in my family home and I felt the pull of wanting a ‘nice life’ and the possibility of loneliness if I did go there, but I went there anyway. My body thanked me and it created space for all of us. Always our choice.
“The heart simply knows that true love is not from need,” hear hear I agree, and have to say I am deeply grateful to the presentations of Universal Medicine and Serge Benahyon which have supported me to come to this realisation, within my own body and begin to break free from these chains.
Gyl I am in agreement with you here! To break free of the fact that I equated love with need and didn’t differentiate between the two; has been the key to turning the relationship with myself and all others around.
I agree here too Rachel and Gyl. I love knowing what true love is.
Even though I am not a parent i feel I can relate to this blog, be it the relationship I have with the kids in class, people at work, my family, myself or even partners or friends. It all relates , as I have also come to realise and take responsibility in the fact we are in constantly in relationship with everybody – how awesome is that , so joyful and an amazing opportunity.
‘Constantly in relationship with everybody’ – I love the responsibility this comment presents – I cannot categorise my relationships with greater or lesser value – every interaction is a relationship and a point of reflection for the quality of my relationship with myself. Thank you, Gyl.
Adele there is always such clarity in your writing and is so relatable. If we build relationships from a need then there will be a point when the needyness gets exposed. This line is so true and a great reminder, ” The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.”
Thank you Adele, for such a practical description between emotionally based love which is dependent on our needs being met and building a relationship based on true love. I especially love how you make the distinction between coming back to a commitment to true love and understanding that we are not our patterns of behaviour even though we must take responsibility for the consequences of them.
Wow Adele, your decision to take responsibility for the way you felt about life and be honest, has led you to know LOVE. What a gift to you and your son and the 7 million others that you share your life with. This is golden!
‘There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’
This sentence captures it all. Living this way sounds like the ultimate way to be. Very inspriring Adele!
I remember saying to a Mum when my daughter was about 1 that I had found it very difficult being a parent as it was a constant reminder of how little I loved my self as I could only love her as much as I loved myself and at that time that was not very much. It is now very different as I have been developing my relationship with myself and being caring and tender with myself so to I can be much more tender with her, people have noticed that our relationship is different more relaxed and loving, caring. There is much more to deepen and I am forever inspired like you Adele by the Benhayon family and Universal Medicine.
Vanessa well expressed point of how so many of us have expressed being a parent is difficult because of how little love we have for ourselves. I feel this can be related to most things that we feel difficult in life. Self-love is where it all begins, forever grateful that Universal Medicine has allowed me to understand that.
Beautiful Adele, thank you for sharing this. I can relate to what you are expressing here. I have had similar situations that you described in the beginning with my own children lately and really need to keep a check on myself to still hold what is true whilst delivering it in a loving and accepting way. For me I feel acceptance to be key for me at the moment. Acceptance of where my children are at. I can feel one of my children is not living true to herself and I feel pain from that and feel the want to ‘fix’ that for her. When I stand back and just allow and accept, it removes any expectation for her be any way and allows her the space to feel this for herself. I am also aware of the reflection that this shows for me in the areas of my life that I am not truly living me. Thank you Adele
Great point Heidi, I’ve been feeling how when I’m being controlling with my boys and getting overly upset by something they are choosing… it’s so in my face that what I have been choosing is upsetting to see and feel in my reflection.
Is it possible that this is what is experienced the world over by parents, seeing our children choose something that we ourselves choose and it being reflected as unloving actions… resulting in a lot of tension!
Yes Rachel and it is with the awareness of how children can be very clear reflections of ourselves and the openness to learn and grow together with them that imbues all family units with the one of the greatest blessings in constellation.
So true Heidi. I too have caught myself wanting to fix things for my sons rather than allowing them the space to feel the effect of their choices and grow from that. I now realise in these moments I have made it about me and my need to control the situation and am learning to let this go.
Hong Kong is blessed to have you Adele. And so is your son.
As a woman with no children I could related to every aspect of your article. The man I made responsible for eliminating my loneliness was my father. A different dynamic to a son, for sure, but a similar outcome – grief, hardening in the body, and no true harmony between us. I was so needy with him, so ready to be hurt if he did not act as i thought he should. Gosh those ideals we create come back to hurt us.
Our relationship has changed so completely now. We meet as who we are. Express ourselves to the fullest we can. I have discovered the depth of his love for me, and it has blown me away. I could not see it when I had created a vision of how it was supposed to be…I was looking for glitter and ignoring the gold. No longer.
This lesson is one I have taken deeply to heart and have felt its confirmation in your beautiful blog Adele.
Beautiful comment Rachel and I too have looked for ‘glitter and ignored the gold’. So many of my relationships have been dependant on another person delivering the gold and never appreciated that I held that gold within me. Adele’s choice to truly face up to her neediness is very inspiring and as you say, her example can be applied to all the relationships we have.
‘…so ready to be hurt if he did not act as I thought he should’ ~ Rachel these are awesome words. How many times have we held expectations of another only to have them dashed? I know I have, and then struggled with the bitter disappointment and hurt I thought was only natural.
I’ve seen you and your Dad together and I can see how lovely you both are and how at ease with each other you are. Congratulations on the letting go of your expectations, and the deepening you’ve undertaken with him. It’s gorgeous to see and most inspiring.
Rachel I can relate to your experiences with your father as well, and how you both relate now is incredibly inspiring. When we drop our expectations and ideals in how people should be, we can all be freer to be ourselves, when we begin to meet our true selves, the need for that to be fulfilled by others, lessen.
The constellation of being in Hong Kong as well as with my son, is a great teaching for me on this, one which I deeply appreciate and have come to accept when seeing the truth of it.
I absolutely loved reading your blog. I also relate to it as a single mum of an amazing five year old. Is a great reminder of the essential part of building a true relationship with ourselves in an understanding, accepting and loving way. Thank you for your sharing. Cristina
I can very much relate to this Adele. The responsibility of parenting is far more than most realise. So often as parents we can unconsciously dump our undealt with issues onto our children, expecting them to live up to our ideals in order to avoid the pain from past relationships or experiences. This is really unfair and enormously imposing…and such a blessing for both/all when it can be honestly and gently exposed to move forward in a different way with each other. Great blog Adele and great topic! Thank you.
Adele what a great blog. Parenting is indeed a responsibility as you say and I have learnt like you that the responsibility is in fact to myself first and living me in full and from there holding the same for all including my daughter. I used to live an ideal of parenting which was more pandering and indulging and was in fact not at all loving or supportive for my daughter. Through the support and wisdom of Serge Benhayon and the Benhayon family and all that they have shared of true parenting, I now know that love and understanding are the key to raising a loving and responsible child who will one day be that same adult.
There are so many things in this blog that I just loved reading Adele. The fact that we all know what true love is resonated deep with me. I indeed do know what true love is, so empowering to feel. I also loved how you reflected on the fact that there not only needs to be true love in relationships with others but also, and first, in the the relationship with myself. I can really feel how to bring love in my relationship with myself has changed my life completely from being always negative about myself to being more understanding, tender and playful. Awesome blog!
This is very honest and open Adele, opening up a conversation for people that most dare not even consider. I am in the position of looking towards becoming a father and your willingness to share your experience and what you have learned is a great support and very appreciated.
Thankyou!
I love this blog Adele. The opening comments on your relationship being based on need in the beginning is/was true for me also as I’m sure it is for many parents. I can feel now the huge imposition I placed on my child by being so needy of him. We are still working our way out of this construct but as I build a more loving foundation for my relationship with myself, our relationship changes without any trying. It’s as though when we commit to ourselves, our relationships with others naturally correct themselves (imperfectly).
Thank you Adele. I agree parenting always comes back to ourselves, how loving and ‘taking ourselves by the hand’ we are with ourselves.
Esther, so true that every time we are holding our children, we are also holding ourselves. More understanding, more appreciation, more acceptance every time. This image you offered with “taking ourselves by the hand” is beautiful–the next image that comes to me is one that we then extend this hand to hold another, all others.
Beautiful Esther. ‘Taking ourselves by our hand’ is how we parent ourselves and on some days caring for ourselves as a loving parent would is most loving thing we can do for ourselves.
Wow Adele! I can feel how much you now hold your son with love and yourself, its beautiful.
Perfect timing reading this today, as I can clearly see how I took something personal with my children this morning. Once I do this, I am no longer holding them with understanding or love because I’m making it all about me and then reaction comes in. I’ve also noticed when I’m not being truly loving in my relationship with myself that there is a tension in my relationships. Thank you Adele
Well said Aimee, good reminder for me too; when I react and take things personally then I make it about me, rather than bringing understanding. Yes, and not being loving with myself brings a huge tension that’s awful to live with. Thank God we can always come back and choose to love ourselves anytime.
Well said, Aimee. I also reacted and took something one of my daughters said personally recently, and have witnessed the fall out from that. By making the situation about me, me, me I was no longer able to love her and listen to what she was feeling. Making life about self creates such a setback in relationships.
So true Aimee, the world is but one great big mirror, and should we choose to look honestly into the mirror it can teach us so much about ourselves.
Thank you Aimee and Esther, I am learning too that the tensions felt within are precious to be aware of, and instead of reacting to them, that I can simply go back to expressing fuller, deeper and more honestly. I love how we can re-imprint everything immediately when we are truly honest.
Such a powerful truth you share here Aimee – ‘when I’m not being truly loving in my relationship with myself that there is a tension in my relationships’. Herewith exists a never-ending invitation to deepen our relationship with ourselves. The potential pay-offs are enormous. Beautiful.
Beautifully expressed Aimee, how all our relationship with others start with ourselves. Every tension we see played out in relationships with another is from a tension we already have allowed in ourselves. If tension felt is not dealt with immediately it goes on to affect all aspects in our lives. But we can always come back to the relationship we have with ourselves and be honest.
Dear Adele, what a fascinating, insightful and incredibly honest sharing of parenthood.And when I think about what you shared, I can see that how you were as a parent is being played out – in many different scenarios – all over the world by millions if not billions of people in all different types of relationships. What we have unfulfilled or unresolved in us, we look to fulfil in/seek resolution with others and what your incredible blog does is show how harming and imposing that is on others. This is a ground breaking article exposing the dynamics that can go on in a relationship. Thank you Adele for sharing your experience. With love, Sarah
Spot on Sarah…you have captured so much in a sentence: ‘What we have unfulfilled or unresolved in us, we look to fulfil in/seek resolution with others and what your incredible blog does is show how harming and imposing that is on others.’
And what is so beautiful about Adele’s story is once she saw this she took responsibility and made the changes. Groundbreaking and simple.
It is accepted by many that this seeking to fulfil in others what we feel we lack or have not resolved is normal, definitely in our culture, within families such a relationship between children and parents is accepted as “how it is” and “love”. But having lived to that belief, the truth is, it is so far from what love truly feels to be, and we all know it, so let’s just be honest – for we all know the truth. Thank you Sarah and Marika.
A lot of parenting that I observe seems to come from need, this inevitably will affect the relationship formed and influence how the child behaves. More than it used to be the case parents are very protective of their children to the point where they see no bad behaviour. It is great Adele that you reasserted your relationship with your son onto solid ground, for in doing this you raise your son in the world to become a responsible and caring adult.
Thank you Adele. Whilst I am not a parent, I don’t think you have to be to relate to this blog. These patterns of behaviour can occur in any relationship – friendship, intimate partners, child to parent, BUT you bring it back to one common denominator – US. Our relationship with ourselves is what we bring to every interaction and therefore if we are not deeply loving ourselves, we are not bringing Love – full stop. The beautiful thing is that we can choose in any moment no matter how old we are to change, as you are doing Adele.
How true Shevon. Parenting for me was a huge wake up call and a stark reflection of what self-love truly means.
What a powerful blog, you bring back parenting and relationships to their truest form: based on true love and not on needs. Thank you for being so honest about why you initially wanted a child, I deeply appreciate your openness.
The reflection of how you used your son to be loved, and in that allowing, did actually mean you not taking responsibility to be in a truly loving relationship with your son. I feel it is so important to be in a parent|son relationship as equals, it causes an understanding of both the hurts we carry and an ability to have a healing relationship.
Thank you for sharing with such honesty Adele. A learning for me as a parent was to observe and not absorb difficult situations my sons found themselves in, and not to jump in and rescue them all the time.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” Very true.
Peter I agree with you that it is not the role of parents to rescue our children from situations they put themselves in. I was reminded of this yesterday by my eldest daughter who reminded me that her younger sibling is old enough to care for herself. And yet the “mothering instinct” kicks in every now and then, the old belief that I am responsible for my children. Learning to respect and be responsible for myself is the first step to letting my children live their life.
I agree Peter. That was one of my biggest learnings also and one I have to keep working with so that my daughter has the freedom to learn in truth from her choices and grow up to be a self-responsible and loving adult.
This is HUGE Adele. And a true gift for each of you to share. Having a true foundation in a relationship is one of the greatest things that can support us through our lives.
Agreed Joshua, and having a true foundation with ourselves first allows all our relationships to be built on a solid foundation too. What we are reflects outwards to everyone.
How true Joshua. Coming back to the relationship with ourselves sets the foundation with all our relationships in life, it sets us up for life doesn’t it, as life is all about relationships.
Great blog. I loved this line: “There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt” – how awesome is parenting when it is experienced in this way.
Adele what a profound change in your relationship with your son from one of fulfilling your need to truly offering him the loving support and guidance he needs. Our relationship with ourselves is the key to all other relationships as you wisely have stated – this I have found to be true.
Parenting can be tough… It is much easier to be the good guy than the nice one, I worked in vacation for a while, after a super heroes day, the kids decided I was to be Captain No…
I really related to your experience as a single mother Adele and the way we can put a burden on our children to compensate for the sadness that we feel. You have shown how important it is to first begin to love and respect oneself, which then transforms all our other relationships and the way we see the world.
Adele thank you for your insights, this ought to be part of a 101 Parenting course!
To learn what love is, rather than the ideal of love most of us try to live by, and that a true relationship starts with the one we have with ourselves before it can be true with anyone else, even a child, is revolationary in my book. It makes perfect sense and has been equally as transformative of the relationship with my son and others too.
Great idea Jenny!
Yes – it is a revolutionary idea to love yourself first before you can love another, yet so obvious and so simple. The quality I hold myself in can be felt by all others and so if I am claiming that I am loving another, or being honest or truthful when I am not doing this for myself then how can this engender trust, true openness or offer true relationship and love? No wonder we all feel like the world is a big merry-go-round not feeling able to trust etc. I used to go through life thinking that how I wanted others to view me could be manufactured through words and actions, however as those words and actions did not aways come from a lived quality of love of self then it could be felt through and no doubt at times felt hollow and shallow.
So true Michelle, it is revolutionary to discover that it is the quality of connection we hold ourselves and therefore others in, that determines every relationship. And how truly present we have to be with ourselves in this way, especially in relationships we find more confronting and challenging. That said, it all comes back to the relationship with us–whether we can be consistent and steady with ourselves.
So well described Adele. Parenting ourselves first is a must before we can truly parent another. This has also been my experience with parenting the two gorgeous girls I have in my life. I have found that the way in which I parent myself is also the way I parent the girls, so anytime I feel I am being hard or distant with them I know this is what I am also doing with myself. If I am being playful and light with the girls then I know this is how I am being with myself, and so on and so on… It really is such a simple equation that brings with it the opportunity for deep healing. Thank you Adele for starting the conversation about such a vital topic in our world today.
Well said Robyn, what a beautiful healing parenting can be – if we allow ourselves to see what the children are reflecting back to us constantly. If we see and feel how they are, it means that there is a message there for us, maybe something to look at and become aware of within ourselves.
Very well expressed Robyn. How blessed as parents we are to have a constant reflection of how we are ourselves, from our children.
So true Robin and Adele – In truth we are role-models and with that parents all the time for all. And so: What I wish the world (or my kids) to be – I have to live it, to express it and to connect like that.
Very true Sandra, it always comes back to us, how we can live deeper with ourselves.
There is so much in this blog Adele, it was a joy to read. “How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.” – this is the truth of parenting, to develop and guide children to become responsible, loving and caring adults.
Dear Adele, I love the honesty you bring to this blog. It is very inspiring to have someone reflect on how they are as a parent and how this has become a true expression and true relationship through the development of self love. I too have found that I can’t truly love another unless I first love myself.
Adele, I feel many people will relate to what you have so honestly and beautifully expressed here about parenting.
Adele you write with such honesty and clarity. Although not a parent, I can totally relate to this with how I was with relationships before attending presentations by Universal Medicine, which continue to inspire me to live with more responsibility in my life and from my heart –
“The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known.”
Thank you Adele!
Great point Stephanie Stevenson. Not only is this true of what I bring to parenting my daughter but to all my relationships.
I love the point you make Adele in that how truly open and honest and loving the relationship is between parents and child will directly affect the relationships that the child will have as an adult. This leads us to take full responsibility in our parenting to come from true love in our relating rather than from a want or need from the child.
This is beautiful, Adele. What a great gift your true love is for you and your son. A young man who now has a way to grow clear and strong in love, equality and understanding. Along with his mother!
Thank you Dianne. Such a beautiful gift both ways, truly.
This is such a powerful shift in perspective, I am so glad I have read this and can feel the shift you have made in parenting. I notice you describe your sadness with the way things were…… I do enjoy seeing in my own life how we make adjustments in our approach to life and how, this impacts our children for the better in how you have changed your parenting style Adele.
Adele, a truly inspiring deeply confirming article. How so very true are your words ‘The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.’ Therefore the most revealing thing about what you have written, is that the most important thing for us to have loving, balanced, honoring relationships is for us to love ourselves first and foremost. To speak up and voice what we feel is true, it is certainly very revealing that this is not the norm in most relationships, holding back so as to fulfill a need we or the other person may have creates so much unnecessary tension, both in our bodies and in our relationships. The simple fact that you now have a loving relationship with your son (and I am guessing, many others in your life) is all the proof needed.
How a relationship can become one of convenience where we think our needs are being met when in truth there is so much more. Thank you Adele for a beautiful sharing with much for us to ponder on.
Parenting sure shows up some of the pictures we hold of how things should look and shines a light on some less than loving behaviours. So many of us struggle to equate steady consistent boundaries with love, let alone with freedom. Revelationary that discipline is more freeing and less imposing than a needful overwhelmed lack of follow through under the all too common guise of ‘free and easy’, which for the kids is more like ‘free fall’. Great topic for discussion.
The term ‘free fall’ so sums up the ‘free and easy’ approach to parenting or any relationship for that matter. It is quite absurd to think that we can back off the steady consistent boundaries with love, thinking it is too hard or whatever other excuse we come up with, only to find that this is the point where is gets hard and complicated.
I love what you say Kate about the common guise of ‘free and easy’ actually being ‘free fall’ for the kids. Our children need loving boundaries and an education based on awareness and an encouragement of their natural clairsentience.
Spot on Lyndy, and it is clearly seen when kids are not given these loving boundaries how deeply unhappy they become and then their true essence is quickly obscured by all kinds of behaviours very far from who they really are.
Very true Kate. And many parents when taking the responsibility to re-introduce true parenting may find themselves in a deeply confronting correction period with their children, and ultimately it is the consistency in standing firm without compromise in expressing truth and love, that becomes our true support.
So many of us mistakenly believe that love means no boundaries! When the truth of what love is when lived from the heart rather than through a set of ideals and beliefs is so far from that.
Free fall, no thank you as it leaves any relationship feeling unsafe and insecure. Give me loving discipline where I know and can feel how deeply loved I am.
So true Adele, “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” When we try to live by ideals and beliefs of how we think we ‘should be’ we are not being ourselves. Learning to trust myself in feeling what was true in my relationship with our children was the key to parenting. Parent and child is no different to other relationships where we learn from each other but a parent has a responsibility to teach a child to become responsible for themselves.
So true Mary and Richard. Living by ideals is very exhausting…and thank goodness most children do not allow us to treat them that way. What a blessing indeed to have the opportunity to learn this through parenting.
Dear Mary, this is very true: “Parent and child is no different to other relationships where we learn from each other but a parent has a responsibility to teach a child to become responsible for themselves.”
This rises some questions to ponder on:
1. How much responsible am I for myself? This is then what I can offer to my child, so therefore it is a constant evolving on both sides.
2. How much I am dependent on that my child loves me? As many relationships also those of a parent and a child can be harmonious but also challenging. But if I am honest as a parent and clear – I can handle rage and agony and as Adele said where it comes from.
3. Do I think that because I gave birth to my child I have the ultimate right to be respected and loved by my child? No, because this relationship as any other needs to be nurtured and unfolds accordingly.
4. Do I have a responsibility as a parent? Yes, I have. But not as I used to think an maybe many others – I am not responsible to make my child happy – I am responsible to live and reflect to them to the best of my ability what relationships are about which is love. That responsibility starts with myself. That every action has an effect on me but also on everyone else. That every choice I make either connects me deeper to myself or does the opposite. That this choice is felt very well in my body. That I am not perfect. That I love my child for who they are and not for what they do or not. And this is the very foundation my child can count on, where ever it might go. I will reflect where it comes from. The love it is.
So well said Sonja, it touches me very deeply when you say, you are not responsible to make your child happy (how liberating because this is a place many parents are trapped in) and that your responsibility is to reflect what true relationships are about which is love (the true kind). Yes, absolutely and if more parents could do this (and in time they will) we would have such a different world.
I have also found that parenting is really one of the best homework to let go of beliefs and ideals.
And how much we have to appreciate our children for not letting us relate to them that way, not a chance!
And when we as parents become inspired by the instant reflection and expression (in a myriad of ways) from our children and we are willing to be honest to ourselves, we are growing together all the time.
Thank you Adele, this is powerful, open and honest account of how you use to parent to truly taking responsibility for parenting. In particular I love the simplicity of what you have shared here – “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.”
Definately Marcia, everything hinges on how we live with ourselves and the amount of self care, nurturing and love that we parent ourselves with. In some ways we can still have a child-parent relationship as adults. Do we self criticize or self love? If we never really received this style of parenting as a child, we can at very least parent ourselves as adults in a way that creates a loving foundation that we build on every day.
Love this Matthew. ‘Everything hinges on how we live with ourselves and the amount of self care, nurturing and love that we parent ourselves with’ Thank you.
This is really lovely Matthew, ‘In some ways we can still have a child-parent relationship as adults. Do we self criticize or self love? If we never really received this style of parenting as a child, we can at very least parent ourselves as adults in a way that creates a loving foundation that we build on every day.’ This is a great way to be with ourselves, I notice how I take such care of my son, making sure he is warm, fed well, has water, suncream on, isn’t too tired, overstimulated etc.. and that I do not always bring this same level of care to myself, so it makes sense to have this adult-child relationship with myself and really nurture and care for myself in the way I do for my son.
Self parenting – I’m in!
Yeah – Matthew I love what you say – to parent ourselves as adults to create a loving foundation . . . that is a huge!!!!
I love what you share here Matthew, so true, and great to be reminded of.
How self judgement can sneakily creep in if we are not observing and aware, and then to just clock it and return to a more loving way of being.
It is truly beautiful Marcia, as the honesty and depth of love deepens with ourselves, it changes all our relationships with others, just by being ourselves.
When my son and others surprise me with beautiful confirmations just because of what they have felt from within themselves, the love they respond with is who they are too. And I haven’t done anything so to speak!
I resonate with this Marcia. If we actually bring parenting into the moment, it is about how we hold and nurture and care for ourselves, every moment. If I reflect on how I hold and care for a baby, to bring true love to every learning experience, do I do this with myself? Bring my tenderness to how I hold myself?
I agree – I have found if I loose connection with myself, my own body – then I am not an effective parent at all.
That’s some awesome sharing Adele.
Honesty and Self responsibility are definitely key. It is very humbling when we can turn around patterns of anger, blame, resentment etc. that we push on to our children because ‘they are there’.
I’m loving changing these patterns and seeing the children blossom & grow in many more ways other than just physically.
Yes Sherryl, I am inspired every time I get to see or hear that someone has truly changed emotional patterns! As a child I used to think that they way adults were around me were fixed and over time I got sadder and sadder as I realised that they battled with these behaviours and could not control them, much less heal them. I allowed them to affect me and in turn I took on certain behaviours to cope too. How utterly refreshing for me to honestly look at and be responsible for my own patterns in the knowing that I will not be passing them on to my own children – giving them the freedom to grow up without added emotional burdens that I have created.
Yes, it’s great to be able to recognise when we deflect all of our stuff on to others, whether it be our children, our parents, or even our friends. Deepening our relationships with everyone in our lives including our own well worth the effort.
Parenting is so important, yet there are so many ideals and beliefs that can destroy the way we parent. It is beautiful to here how your relationship with your son has transformed to be one of respect and responsibility for both yourself and your son. The examples you gave are very practical for everyday life.
Toni I agree there are so many ideals and beliefs that can destroy the way we parent.
Yes Toni I agree. Respect and responsibility are the grounding levels of love and when we honour this in our parenting we are then able to appreciate the amazing adults they grow into. Taking life on and choosing to deal with all its ups and downs.
I feel that the ideals and beliefs swamp us when it comes to parenting and thus we look for quick fixes and relief from what is going on with our children. This stops us from truly connecting to just how important it is for us to remain true to ourselves so that we can bring all that is needed to parenting a child or children.
Very true Sally, like any choice in life, in parenting our bodies feel the familiarity of all that we have lived. It does take a lot of presence to start from connection with ourselves, and make choices based on this connection, even though sometimes it feels different to what the world is choosing.
Sally I am finding that my connection to who I am not as a mother but a woman that have a loveliness at my core, is all that is needed to truly connect to my kids in their loveliness and from there to know what is needed. This is quite remarkable for a woman who once had a huge collection of parenting advise books 🙂
A beautiful blog Adele. It is lovely to read of the turn around in the relationship with your son because you have embraced true love.
And how true Rebecca that in the role of parenting, we are blessed with the call to go deeper, to return to the truth of what love is, because children naturally do not accept abuse, and they respond/react to what is not true love instantly to show us a clear reflection of ourselves.
I so enjoy your truth-full writing Adele, not being a parent myself and witnessing some of the things that parents struggle with I find your blog and what you have managed to do quite wonderful. I resonate with much of what you have written and I love what you have written here about children instantly reacting to what is not true love to give us adults a clear reflection. When I look around at how most children are behaving it is clear there is not much true love around. Parents like you are desperately needed.
Yes Josephine, it is inspiring to see how Adele has made true changes in her life to be there for herself and now for her son.
This is so true, Adele! They show us immediately when we are off. Such an awesome reflection back.
This is such a lovely read Adele, I so agree that loving ourselves and being true to who we are is what builds truly loving relationships, ones that are not based on our own needs or expectations. Thank you for sharing this inspiring account of your relationship with your son and the changes that occurred when you were prepared to take a deeper level of responsibility. The joy in your photo is contagious.
Thank you Victoria. It is indeed truly inspiring that the changes and deepening of this relationship keeps unfolding without end, as our relationship with ourselves keep growing. The beauty of the interconnectedness of everything is beautifully witnessed in relationships.
I enjoyed this blog so much. It made the patterns that we use to make ourselves feel better so clear and brought a clearer, better understanding of how we sometimes use relationships, including those with children to make ourselves feel better.
Amazing Adele. how can we have a true relationship if it is based on need and how can we truly express ourselves and be free of that binding agreement that says we must provide for each other what we dont have for ourselves? What I really resonated with was ” rarely raising of my voice and hardening my body when I speak” this is a clear give away for me when I am not being my true loving self, when I have to be slightly hard to not feel that there is a lack of love flowing in me and my relationships. Thanks for your honesty and expression it is truly awesome!
So true Harrison, it is inconceivable for many mothers that speaking without raising our voices or hardening of our bodies is even a possibility as a mother! It is accepted as normality in society (at least in our culture) that parents must speak in raised voices when their children do not listen to intimidate them or to vent frustration.
Hardening our bodies does not feel loving at all, and when we begin from this place of not being loving to ourselves, how can we ever be in a truly loving relationship with our children? No wonder children react and rebel (to us).
So easy not to catch this hardening, too – so subtle in the beginning. I am working with this at the moment with my kids and appreciate these comments to help me go deeper with this. Thank you.
Those indicators, (raising your voice and hardening your body), have been great markers for me to really know when I am parenting with love or from reaction.
I don’t know a culture where raising one’s voice is not accepted.
I’ve certainly been subject to that my whole life, and as a result do the same thing back to others. I have more understanding now of how ineffective that approach is and therefore can see the choice I have to make more clearly these days.
Thats a great insight Harrison about the expression of not being love, felt in the body, such as becoming hard and it is so important to consistently reach the point of sensitivity where our bodies really are showing us what we are choosing!
Everything you said Harrison is exactly what I have too found for myself, the slightest sign of a reaction such as raising my voice is a clear sign I am not myself, well said
So true Oliver. These are markers that I am so much more aware of. Now when I speak from hardness or anxiety it is a loud and clear sign to me that I am out. These are things that I very much would of overridden and ignored before.
Amazing Harrison. I love your comment and particularly where you have outed when you ‘have to be slightly hard to not feel that there is a lack of love flowing in me and my relationships’. I know this feeling you speak of, and it has been inspiration for me today to stay open and feeling where this hardness sets in and to work on it. Great awareness thank you.
You have said so much here. Our relationships are so important but what you have expressed here is key ‘The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we ‘think’ we ‘should be’.
Thank you Vicky. With all the self-help parenting books out there and all the advice from everyone around us, it is not easy to feel how to be ourselves and stay consistent with being ourselves in the huge amount of pressures and ideals regarding parenting, especially as a first time parent. In retrospect, therefore having a relationship first with oneself, is the foundation to standing firm in the truth of who we are, and not to be who we think we have to be. That said, it is never too late to start this relationship, as it is never too late to re-imprint the relationship with our children.
Thank you Adele, you are absolutely spot on. I love everything you have shared with us.
I agree Adele, as you said in your blog, ‘I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.’ Wow, what a responsibility we have to build a truly loving relationship with ourselves, it affects everyone.
Hi Adele,
I was speaking to my mum the other day about parenting books – and she of course said they could not prepare her for having children. It was a natural instinct and listening to the body that truly guides you through.
My relationship with my parents has been re-imprinted – and I am so appreciative that we are able to do that and see each other as equals
This is a great point Hannah, there are no books out there that are teaching us to listen to our bodies or even to listen to the children themselves for so often there is so much we can learn from them
I have never been a parent but what you say rings true Adele, about the pressures parents are under to be anything but themselves in the act of parenting, thus the absolute necessity of having a foundational relationship with yourself first.
It is never too late to bring that relationship to yourself and therefore change all your relationships around you at home, at work, in the community. Thank goodness!
I and many others will second that Vanessa, thank goodness.
And it takes a lot of steadiness and firmness to keep connecting with ourselves in truth and in love, especially during the re-correction period. But in clarity of purpose and the commitment back to a true relationship with ourselves, it will be truth and love that we will be guided and supported throughout.
Yes, I agree Vanessa and Adele, we can start bringing that relationship to ourself when we choose to.
Absolutely Adele, ‘having a relationship first with oneself, is the foundation to standing firm in the truth of who we are, and not to be who we think we have to be.’ This does take commitment and love whilst we are re-building the relationship, but it is essential for life.
Yes Adele I agree and your blog and also your commands are a real blessing for all parents out there – wunderbar.
Very true Vicky, and the way we think we should be as a parent is a very strong belief passed down from generation to generation without really stopping to feel how it really is for me.
True Rosie, we either go with what is passed down, or go against parts of that in reaction, ‘wanting to be a better parent’, without really feeling what is truly loving and supportive for our children.
Lorraine I have been reflecting on what you have shared recently. When I became a parent it was a reaction towards how I felt a family should be, when I grew up feeling a lot of ideals and beliefs were confining and simply not loving. But I imposed my own set of ideals and beliefs into my own family. A few years down the line, when I realized that wasn’t loving either, I then attempted to change them again with another imposition. Until I began giving myself understanding then this understanding allowed me to feel how it was for my son. I have to let go of my perfect picture of how a family should look like, to begin to truly connecting in a way we have never experienced in the past.
So true Vicky, what Adele writes about being true to ourselves seems to be the foundation of all our relationships. As someone new to parenting I am beginning to see the importance of having a true relationship with myself first, that way I show my own child they too can be who they are in life. It is definitely a great awareness to have and then live.
Awesome comment Vicky and I also loved this section by Adele. You are right that this is key to all relationships and if we truly take note and live this in all our relationships with ourselves and others it will truly be from a foundation of true love.
“Living who we are” – such a simple yet so profound statement. It is what has eluded people for decades & lifetimes. Living who we are – we are kept so in the dark as to the amazing light we all are and because we are separate, we fill ourselves up on what we should/could be. But the beauty is getting real and honest – as this blog beautifully shows – and living ourselves in each and every moment.
Yes Vicky simply living who we are with no expectations placed on ourselves or others of how we should be is a major key to all our relationships in our lives.
Great stand out point Vicki, I find those sneaky ideals and beliefs playing out a lot, and each time I become aware of another, it is a step closer to living more of my true self.
Parenting is such a special role, so full of opportunities to really learn about ourselves and who we are. Thank you for sharing your ongoing journey Adele, it is full of inspiration and I learn so much from your insights.
So true that is Suzanne, parenting is constantly deepening the relationship with self and others, because in parenting we are gifted with a responsibility that nudges us to go deeper with it every day. And choosing to say yes to this responsibility opens an unending well of inspiration.
Children present us with daily opportunities to reflect on ourselves and our relationship and connection with ourselves and them – a constant blessing and reminder of where we come from when we communicate.
Wow – this is so great what you say: I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone. So it is never too late to start a loving relationship with self first, and then with others.
I have noticed this when I spend time with children, sometimes they can be the most amazing radars for even the slightest form of disharmony, offering such a pure reflection for one to address their energetic quality. Then at other times children can lose the plot like the rest of us and require loving discipline, to cut the nonsense so they can return to their natural tender state of being.
Really connected with your article Adele. My children are grown up, with children of their own, and I have found that for me, parenting has changed to a deep friendship. Occasionally the old patterns of ‘pander’ or ‘meddle’ come to mind, and I think I should say something, but my heart shows me to just say what needs to be said, lovingly, and move on.
I enjoy what you say Catherine, the way you relate to your children sounds like elder wisdom to me.
Agree Josephine it does ring very true but this relates to every thing.
I agree Catherine – the willingness to stay connected to self and expose what is going on within ourselves before taking action shows a wealth of lived insight and understanding.
The beauty of what has been shared here is that this can apply to every single relationship we have ever had. What we choose to not love about ourselves often stops us appreciating and bringing this quality to another.
I love how you use ‘gift’ and ‘responsibility’ in the same sentence Adele! To me, the word responsibility has in the past had connotations of something onerous or imposing or something that limits, or that we really don’t want to do or take on.. when in truth, the meaning of true responsibility provides us true freedom because it always considers the ‘all’ and sees us as equal, and in this, it is indeed a ‘gift’, not only for ourselves, but for others.
I feel open, uplifted and graceful when I am taking responsibility.
Couldn’t agree more Adele, I was talking the other day with a friend and we talked about how mothering can bring out an immense strength to ‘do what we have to do’. There still felt to be a drive in that, however…and I appreciate your expression in saying that it is ‘a responsibility that nudges us to go deeper with it every day.’ That feels soo much more True for me and minus the ‘drive’.
Agreed Suzanne, a huge part of parenting is actually about us as the parent/s, than the child and I have grown significantly when able to look at my part in the parent/child relationship..
I do agree we can learn so much about ourselves through parenting and it always does start with ourselves.
Yes Esther and you don’t even have to be a parent to come to this understanding.
Parenting is a great opportunity, both for the parents and child to fully understand themselves and each other. It is a great time for sharing and being open.
Hi Amita, these are true words you speak here, sometimes I can feel like the child when it is my own children teaching me, but I have come to the humble understanding that this is because we are all constantly students of life, and I have started to feel what it means to remain the parent responsibly, regardless of whether I am the one learning, or them.
I agree Suzanne, Adeles sharing is always such an inspiration. I love also to feel your own joy in parenting and openness to learn. This too is inspiration for me.
The openness with which you share your life transformed is inspirational Adele, thank you once again.
Yes totally agree with you Jane. Adele’s transforming her life is truly inspirational and so wonderfully shared. Thank you Adele.