I have lived with and raised my son on my own for the majority of the last 8 of the 11 years of his life and have been learning that the responsibility of being a parent is not what I first thought it was.
My Son and I and Being a Parent
In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being. Therefore, with the birth of my son, I proceeded to construct a life between us that protected what was my ‘ideal of love’.
For me being loved meant being understood; therefore whenever I felt I was not understood, I would use this as an excuse to isolate from the world and focus entirely on making the relationship with my son to be everything that I needed.
Instead of taking up the responsibilities of being a parent, I would make sure no conflicts existed between us; I would pander to all my son’s demands and more often than not, fulfill them. Indeed the relationship between my son and I seemed harmonious on the surface because he would always get what he wanted.
For example, I would let him have his dinner while watching TV, so there was no true communication every time we ate, or I allowed him to indulge in excessive video game playing because I had to work, even though this made him aggressive and bad tempered. I would go all out in all ways to appease any potential conflict.
Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us.
There was no true harmony within our relationship or in being a parent, as I needed my son to fit into my way of life and offer me company. Very soon he knew he could ask me for anything because of what my needs were. I started to realise that the relationship between my son and I was no different from any close relationship I have had with others, especially with men.
However, eventually the grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself could no longer be ignored. The pain of ignoring how I truly felt in many everyday situations and not expressing my truth got too immense. Every single day I was living with a deep sadness that would explode into crying episodes once in a while. I was never completely free from this grief, no matter what I tried.
Taking Self Responsibility: Building a True Relationship with my Son
The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known. That is:
The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.
It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.
The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behaviour that were controlling my life. After eleven years of being a mother I have finally become a truly responsible parent, without perfection. There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.
For example, even when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.
I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.
My son used to always say when he was younger: “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” Now I realise the truth of this sentence and what a true relationship is. What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for forever opening and deepening my knowing and living of the true love that I am.
By Adele Leung, Fashion stylist/Art director, Hong Kong
Related Reading, Building True Relationships and Responsible Parenting
We are constantly learning how to embrace our inner authority in our life and relationships, and this can’t but be achieved by loving ourselves first
Self Responsibility is the foundation for any true relationship.
Learning to parent ourselves is a lesson for parenting our children.
And the reflection of how we parent ourselves can then inspire them as they grow up and become parents themselves.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” Love this Adele so so important and something that for many of us serves as a great reminder.
Adele, I love this; ‘I have finally become a truly responsible parent, without perfection. There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’ This is very inspiring and makes me realise that I can harden my body and raise my voice and how harmful and upsetting this is for myself and my son. It is beautiful that we do not need to do this.
A beautiful lesson in parenting.
Adele, I love this; ‘ less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’ I have felt how destructive and harmful it is when I harden my body and speak, I am learning to be firm but not allow anger or frustration to take over because this is deeply upsetting for everyone involved.
There’s nothing like our closest relationships to reflect back to us our deepest insecurities and our ideas of what love is, vs what it truly is about. There is so much that we can learn from one another, and what maximises this potential is our own foundation of self love, which supports us to see and feel more of what’s actually going on, without reacting to it.
All relationships start with the relationship we have with self, are we truly loving and honouring of ourself in all situations, ‘It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.’
It also occurs to me that we need to perhaps reclaim the responsibility of being a human being – and what that really means and looks like – then with that reclaimed responsibility perhaps everything in our lives would look different – work, parenting, relationships.
I love this line: “How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.” It’s true that parenting is such a massive responsibility, how we parent will effect another human being for the rest of their lives. And you are definitely correct that the responsibility begins with us, kids learn much more from what they see us do or how we are than from what we say or the instructions we give. If we don’t deal with our stuff and we are not attempting to live a joyful, open, loving, deeply caring life – that is what is shaping the future of our kids.
Realising how irresponsible and loveless our actions have been and how much of a lie we have been living whilst thinking it is the truth can be confronting but in this day and age we do not need to do penance and try and ‘pay back’ for all our ill doings. We can simply nominate, renounce and let it go by realising it was not truly us doing that in the first place.
It is beautiful to read a blog from a parent who is honest enough to say that they needed to build a true relationship with their child.
So beautiful to read Adele thank you for sharing, I can relate to the harmonious but pandering relationship you had with your son, this way I have lived with my children so as to avoid conflict, but there was no true love as I did not know how to love myself at the time, and so my love was needy. Knowing what I know and have experienced now of what true love really is I would parent so differently.
For me working on the relationship I have with myself and taking loving care of me to the best of my ability has supported me to become more responsible in the rest of my life including the way I am as a parent.
What I feel is important in this is not getting caught up in the reactions or demands of another but always holding true and steady in honouring our truth. This may not look smooth or ‘pretty’ initially but it allows things to surface, become more real and in time more true.
Life is all about responsibility – our soul impulses us like a loving parent showing a child what is next. But do we obey and enjoy or fight and ignore? And if so is it any wonder that our kids do the same? It seems to me Adele that accepting our responsibility to honour what’s true is the key to life and all we do.
Parenting our-self back to the child like love that your son was sharing with you Adele, is key on our journey back to the divine love we all are.
I have to be responsible for being the love that I am before sharing it with another/others. Thanks for the reminder Adele.
When a commitment to true love is made we are given all to sustain that. What I love and have experienced is responsibility is shown i.e. I am responsible for any tension. I am responsible for loving me. I am responsible for appreciating myself. I am responsible for bringing all of me knowing there is always more to bring. Therefore I cannot ever blame any other for how they are with me – I am responsible.
This is a great sharing on true responsibility and how in expressing what we feel is not love we are in truth being love. It is from here we see how our self loving ways then come into play and holds us all as one. Simply awesome.
No matter what you do, say or even think you cannot “do” love. Yes you can make it look like everything you do is in fact loving but it will not be unless it is coming from the heart and not from our needs, desires or wishes.
So true Joshua, our inner-heart holds the key to our divine connection.
Sometimes we have all these pictures of what we think love is but often these can be pandering or not true love. True love is not giving in to a child because it is easier, it is about connecting to what is needed in each moment and being prepared to express that regardless of the consequences. The more love you have in your body, the more love and understanding that comes with this.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behavior that were controlling my life.” These words have struck a deep resounding cord in me. If we stop periodically and survey our lives it will support us to clearly see the unhealthy patterns and behaviors. These are designed to keep us from the love that we truly are. I appreciate how the innocence of a child can support us to re-connect to our own innocence and therefore re-connect to our own true essence. Children bring many blessings to the world.
This blog is packed to overflowing with so much grace and wisdom about parenting.
When we put conditions on love it will never live up to our expectations and thus will always leave us feeling empty and unfulfilled.
The way I parent has change immensely over the years since coming into contact with Universal Medicine. Much of what you have shared Adele is what I am continuously working on. For me it’s been a learning of what true love is for another. Learning that being responsible in calling out and putting a stop to situations that are energetically harmful regardless of the kid’s reaction. One thing that came to me the other day was how my kids are actually asking me to do this for them. When they are out of control or more so when they are being controlled by an energy that is not of their essence we are there to help them come back and call a stop to the momentum. In this there is a safety they feel, it’s like we have their back, always watching and observing when they need support to come back to their divinity.
There are so many great points here Adele, but I particularly love that it’s impossible for us to be responsible parents if we are not first and foremost being responsible ourselves in all areas of our lives. It’s so common that we believe we can be responsible in one area of our lives (such as parenting) but irresponsible in another area (such as the way we look after ourselves) – when every single moment of our lives affects the next moment and the next.
You highlight so clearly Adele, how it is only through a relationship that is based on love, being with ourselves first, that we can truly begin to realise and live the magic of our full potential, of who we really are. And that when we work, commit to or come together in love, this magic will only be magnified.
To truly parent our children we have to teach them to be responsible for themselves and when we free them of the noose of neediness they feel liberated to develop a true and deeper relationship as people rather than parent and child.
Living who we truly are is the antidote for all our discontentments and illness and disease in our bodies as there is nothing more powerful and healing than expressing our essence for the good of all.
Wonderful to read this Adele, it is so timely as I examine more deeply my responsibility as a parent. I have not mastered not reacting as you describe, but had some success yesterday when I asked her to do the lunch dishes and she had a mini break down collapsing on the floor and I just let that happen and then simply stated that the dishes needed to be done and she went down and did a lovely job of washing, drying and putting away. This could easily have become a battle of wills but I was so solid within myself of what was needed she could feel there was no real point in going into too much resistance! Deepening my loving relationship with myself is most definitely the way forward.
There is so much in this blog to delve into. One sentence that struck me was “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” This applies to all relationships but rarely do we credit the relationship with our children in the same way as the relationship with partners, yet that highlights the masks we wear in our many different relationships. Being ourselves, transparent, open and honest makes for a more solid foundation in any relationship.
It is amazing to realise we create our own reality by the way we live with ourselves. If we are not having a foundational loving relationship with ourselves this will also not be there with others and create a reality of hardship in relationships out of need in life. But when we do have a loving relationship with ourselves life does really change and becomes much simpler especially in our relationships.
I can relate to the grief especially the next morning after being in the company of another. I have often pondered on the reason as to why I had allowed it to enter my body. I knew the emotion did not belong to me. I also felt the sadness from not choosing love for myself but I always felt there was more. ‘The grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself’ is certainly worth exploring and as I allow myself to feel, a deep heaviness is felt in my chest area. Thank you Adele for sharing.
Thank you Adele for a beautiful sharing, when we take responsibility for all our choices and heal our true loving self can come out in love for ourselves and then out to all others. “when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.” What a gorgeous picture of you and your son, so much love and joy in expression.
What a beautiful gift to your son Adele, that being to take the time to build a true connection to him; a beautiful gift to yourself also. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your wisdom.
We can learn so much from our children when we see them as equal and take the responsibility to parent them from the love we know we and they are and not hold back on expressing the truth. And the more we let go of ideals and believes we have around parenting the more the relationship can grow into a loving relationship without any attachments.
Adele you have turned parenting around and it is these gems that need to be shared with other parents.
I see more and more parents letting their children run riot or pandering to them with sweets and chocolates because they don’t have the time to be with them. I have seen mothers exhausted addicted on coffee to counteract the exhaustion and dealing with a hyper stimulated child – its a forever vicious cycle and you took the responsibility to do something about it – an inspiration.
Recently, as I watch my son become the man he is I can find it difficult to accept myself and all the mistakes I have made in parenting him, mistakes which he now carries with him in his understandings of life, and this makes me feel very sad. But what I say to myself in these moments, is that what matters most is now, this very second and whether I am choosing love or not, all else can and will be taken care of based on this split second. And when, in those moments I do choose love and not to indulge in regret, what follows next is always a great sense of understanding both for myself and my son and the people we are and the life journey’s we are on and the lessons we each have yet to learn, which takes off all the pressure to be perfect and allows for the lessons to be learnt as they are meant to be – in full.
I could very much relate to the relationship with your son appearing to be harmonious but there being pandering to maintain the illusion of harmony. I suspect a lot of women do this with their sons, in lieu of having meaningful, fulfilling relationships with their partners. This places a huge imposition on the son, who will feel he isn’t just loved for who he is. It also means that you do not get to be the whole and amazing women, reflecting true love to the child, as you are hanging onto what you think you need and what you are getting out of it.
“Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” is at the core of everything. We sometimes cannot imagine how much we are loved or do love one another just because we are to busy with doing it right and to adhere to our self imposed rules and guidelines in life. Have you ever considered the fact that sticking to these rules and guidelines is in fact avoiding the reality that we are love, and that we dearly love all those we are with, and even beyond? From this awareness to me comes a responsibility as from there we can feel we are part of a grander whole, that there is a plan to adhere to which is to live that love to the best of our ability and with that to restore love as our foremost value in our lives and into our societies.
Adele, thank you for sharing your experiences of parenting, this is really helpful, ‘Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation.’ I can feel that holding love and understanding in conflict situations with my own child is important, rather than going into criticism and judgement of him, I can feel that if children act in a way that is not loving it is easy for us to tell them off and that they can think there is something wrong with them or that we do not like them, when actually it is the behaviour that we do not like, not the child.
Expressions are a constant learning and refining, but no matter what is expressed and how it is expressed, I remind myself to always hold another as an equal to myself.
“For example, even when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.” An amazing lesson for us all. I know that I can hold back expressing what needs to be expressed in trying to avoid the reaction that is going to come back at me, but in this holding back it so often compounds the issue, for even if conflict is avoided in that moment, the same situation, dressed differently will keep cropping up until I no longer hold back. Basically it’s ‘Groundhog Day’!
I think we also have to watch for going the other way to the extreme – where we go into things like ‘Im letting me child feel into it and choose’ this is just another form of need, ideals and beliefs. What children need at times is firm rules, boundaries, consequences, tough love so to speak. Otherwise they can play on this and totally manipulate and bully patents, teachers or others – they have been here before and know all the games to play, that look good so to speak, by are not walking the talk, just like we do. I think we have so many pictures, ideals and beliefs about parenting be it from love of not – that we need to break free of. Love can be rules especially if it’s teaching children what is loving and what is not. For example, say if I was a biological mum and if my child was to refuse to come to the dinner table for dinner, they wouldn’t be allowed food – simple as that, they’d only get dinner if they came to the table to eat. I wouldn’t need them to be a certain way or force them to be chatty. But there would definitely be rules, consequences and boundaries. That is love. Another thing I feel we need to watch out for is in the guise of love are we still looking for children to fill our needs, ideals and beliefs of what a perfect family picture / mother child / father child relationship is or should look like? As in needing our child / children to fill the picture of a loving, communicative family meal. In this we are not connecting with anyone not seeing it feeling the truth of what’s really going on. As we are living from pictures and ideals.
We all have the responsibility of being a parent whether we are a biological parent or not. For parenting, mothering and fathering are an energy first, well before they are about what we do. They do not involve any roles we play. Nor is it about being a child’s best friend, I feel this can be where many people go wrong, it’s a need, wanting a child / your child to like you, instead of at times presenting solid truth and the absolute firm love they may need. It’s about having boundaries and rules, at home or in the classroom – children love this – this is not harsh – but love it its truest and firm sense. For love would never allow another off with being wayward or off its presence it would call it back – with out need or expectation. And also allow free will if a child or person may I hasten so chooses a life that is not loving. But whilst a child lives under our roof there for me would definately be rules and boundaries to adhere too, and unloving behaviours I would not accept or allow one little bit. Some may think this is harsh or hard, but it’s not at all. There are far too many parents who are not taking responsibility for parenting anymore – this can be seen in children’s behaviours at school. And also parents lack of responsibility in wanting to address children’s behaviours and passing it on to teachers or others to do or blaming them.
Everything I can bring with myself I can be with another. Letting go of a constant critique of myself that I have recently become aware of has now allowed me to let go of a level of judgement I was inflicting on others that created a tension within my relationship with everyone. It was such a default I hadn’t wanted to become aware of it because it was a great excuse to hide from people. I’d been telling myself I was afraid of being criticised by others and so needed to reduce the opportunities for this by doing things perfectly and limiting my time with people. As I accept myself I can allow myself to relax and enjoy being with me and being with others not worrying about making mistakes or judging or being judged.
Adele what you share applies equally to relationships with parents.. We can also be indulgent in our relationships with parents, we can lose ourselves, fed by ideals and beliefs of what it is to be a ‘good’ son or daughter. True responsibility, cuts old attachments and frees us to be who we are: equal partners relating honestly openly and honestly with each other.
There is a lot of good things said in this article that make sense. Every relationship holds a reflection for us and what it brings to us is something that is there in every relationship. We often think we are great at work and when we get home it all falls apart or the other way around. What we don’t often see is, the relationship we have with one is there the same for everyone. We don’t often link it all up or see the depth we are all connected. Whenever we talk of ‘parenting’ we seem to take on a different persona, almost like I am something and this is what I do. Parenting isn’t something that we do but more the way we hold ourselves, our quality because and as I’m sure you would agree, at times I have been parented and at times I have parented adults. It’s not something that is limited to one relationship as we have just been saying. So we don’t just ‘parent’ our children, it’s a quality we hold that needs to be honoured or expressed everywhere. I’m not saying you sit people down or send them to their bedrooms but the way you are with them needs to meet them for who they truly are at any time. Parenting is pretty simple, you just don’t take it on as a role. It would seem the moment we see a child and I am the mother or father, we already bring in an imbalance. See parenting as a quality you are with everything, the responsibility, holding, the love and direction you have everywhere.
You share much wisdom here Adele. I am sure there are many of us who have recognised ourselves in your sharing. I also appreciate the wonderful teachings of Universal Medicine presented by Serge Benhayon.
Our children reflect so much for us to learn as parents, the lessons I have received from my two children are the most amazing, learning so much about myself, about relationships and about responsibility. Parenting is a gift from heaven.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” So true Adele, We havent dome so well as a society following in our parents’ etc footsteps – the ‘should be’, in order to fit in etc. Finding a new way to be and live as we truly are sets a whole new standard for relating to everyone.
Adele – this is a great blog for me to read as a new parent. What I understand is the importance of consequences and that children know this – for every action there is a reaction. It is about allowing children to make choices but at the same time ensuring they understand what the choice means.
Our relationship with others is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.
From this blog the responsibility of being a parent jumps out. It’s massive, and extremely joyful as well.
As in it’s not a decision to be made on a whim. It’s something you as potential parents / custodians of this child for a certain amount of time, need to talk about and be certain it’s for true reasons and not to fill a need. And not to make other people happy, such as grandparents.
Your commitment to yourself and true parenting is beautiful to read. There is enormous responsibility to be had when it comes to developing a true relationship and you are right in the fact that it starts with how we are with ourselves first.
This raises the massive question of why do we have children? Is it to fulfil a need of our own, because if it is then there is always going to be that bias as we bring them up… we will carry a picture of what we want to happen which will cloud our judgement and impose something onto them. Far better to release them (and us) from that prison and learn to appreciate them for the amazing being that has been re-introduced to the world, ready to express something unique that only they can bring.
Brilliant article Adele. I love how you describe the following: ‘For me being loved meant being understood; therefore whenever I felt I was not understood, I would use this as an excuse to isolate from the world and focus entirely on making the relationship with my son to be everything that I needed.’ The key word in this sentence for me is ‘use’. Whenever we ‘use’ anyone for anything then there is no longer true, loving relationship. certainly we can help each other, but never ‘use’. It is only one step away from out and out abuse i.e. ‘ab-use’.
What a beautiful sharing Adele. The commitment and love you have for your son is a true reflection of the love and commitment you have for yourself; I deeply appreciate and am inspired by this.
“I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.”
Adele, what you are sharing here feels really important, ‘I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation.’ This is a beautiful way to parent, to have this understanding and still hold your son in love is very beautiful, I can feel how I can go into judgment and criticism with my son and how unsupportive this is for both of us, thank you for sharing this.
One of the hardest parts I find about parenting, is in watching your child make their own choices, even when you know that they know exactly what to do that will honour and support them, and yet they still continue to choose dullness, complacency, neglect, numbness, and to give up on themselves. I am learning that as painful as this is to watch, there is little you can do except to be the love that you are and never compromise on that. This does not mean to be all soft and enabling, but rather to align your body with the vibrational energy of God and let this hold the light in the house. Therefore at the very least, all your children have the opportunity to feel in themselves the true light of God, and whether this is a choice taken or not, the opportunity was there.
I can very much relate to this Shami. Eventually I realised the deeper I accept of my own love to me, that I am human and accept more of the human experience, I am able to accept my son much more as a person. I am interested in him as a person, I care deeply of him as a person, and therefore I do not have to be affected by the behaviors and choices that he makes which are not him. No matter what he chooses, I go back to being interested in him.
In watching the relationship that I have with my son, I can see how there are times when my own need for him to be a certain way, to enable me feel like I am succeeding as a parent, is an immense pressure and a crushing force on to him and does not allow him to be the young man that he naturally is. I am learning however, that when this happens I can look within myself and find what disruption there is to our relationship, without having to blame him, I can take responsibility and bring everything back to our normal harmony. As Adele Leung says, it all starts with honesty.
What you share her Adele about true responsibility and parenting is beautifully honest and inspiring to read. When I first had my daughter I parented in a way that was inconsistent and often lead me to pander to her to avoid tantrums etc. Attending Universal Medicine events have been key to learning tools to deepen the relationship with myself that has supported all of my relationships to become more true and loving.
‘It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself’. Adele I totally relate to this realisation. Allowing myself to express from and be the real me is something I am working on daily by making loving and caring choices that support me.
Parenting is no easy task but it sounds like you have really turned things around. I struggle at times being a parent and having to enforce rules that often lead to explosive tantrums and then my daughter may react as well.
Adele this is pure wisdom for me: “The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.”
Relationships are entrenched in many corrupted pictures which are idealistic but not true, and if these are followed and attempted to be achieved, we have further ingrained the foundation we have with everything, absolutely everything, to be a lie.
When there is a relationship with God, with Soul, with our body, it would be a lie to hold this back with people. And if we do not have a relationship with man, what has to be looked at is how is our relationship with God, with Soul and with ourselves?
There are no good or bad relationships, there is only relationship or no relationship.
Our first relationship is the relationship with God, this is Divine Will. This relationship when in form becomes all the relationships we have with people. Relationships are really not what we think they are, such as to fulfill each other’s needs etc., but they are constant opportunities to reflect and evolve. There is actually zero comfort in true relationships, we are always going deeper.
Raising children with this level of responsibility has to be key in breaking the cycles of the past, where children and parents spend years not understanding eachother.
A very beautiful sharing Adele thank you. I love the way in which you took responsibility to develop a true relationship with your son; what a divine blessing for you both.
“The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship”.
This blog acts as a relationship reset for anyone who reads it. I love the truth you bring to the fact that it’s too easy to enter into a relationship of any sort, not just with our kids, to get our own needs met and how irresponsible for both parties that is. True responsibility is to start with the relationship with ourselves first. Everything else flows from the quality of that.
There is also a trap for women to focus too much on our children and forget how important and needed we are in other aspects of life. This is something I am deeply pondering at the moment.
A woman has to be true to herself to bring truth to any relationship. And a true woman will not consider herself less than any of the relationships she has in life.
I have found that by bringing my absoluteness to parenting has been one of the most profound changes I have made. To simply do what I feel is true without compromise and then my daughter knows what is what. No longer do I get the nagging for more and more and she is then able to settle, without the craving to satiate a need that isn’t real anyway.
Absoluteness is an honoring first to ourselves, to our relationship with God. What a blessing to bring this to any relationship.
“Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.”
This is very useful. In those moments that can potentially become tense, to stop and hold my understanding of her, of another, is what allows them to feel acceptance and the space to choose again.
Dear Adele
I can certainly relate to pandering to the needs of my daughter, whom I have parented solo much of the time, in order to avoid conflict and an attempt to maintain closeness. And the flipside of this is hardening in my body and voice to hold a boundary. Neither are true expressions of love in parenting. The more presence and tenderness I offer to myself, the more I am able to express from this place. It is a refining and development of the expression of my love.
So true Doug. The parenting I see happening around me in everyday life is usually based on a parent’s needs. Stopping and coming at parenting from a perspective of a loving relationship with themselves first is not even on most parent’s radars. As you say, society conditions us to believe that children are blank slates for us to mould to fit the image of what we perceive is a ‘good’ person and yet our children are born with loads of wisdom and have plenty to teach us if we are prepared to listen and observe and learn.
Our greatest responsibility is love, first with ourselves and then with all others. By deepening our love and connection to ourselves, we naturally infuse the relationships we have with others with the quality of our love.
When we connect to the energy from heaven there is only love. In taking responsibility for the choices we make we are in turn truly caring and loving others equally so.
“The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.”
..and in this gem of a line, the truth is revealed – the relationships we have with others are often far less than the deep connection we are truly capable of.
Being the same true inside and out, there is no room for any ideal to creep in.
I am learning that parenting is not a chore, but a great responsibility and joy once we are able to surrender the false images we have been fed of how it should look. Thankyou Adele for this honest look at some of the traps we can fall into when parenting. Our job here is to guide our children back to the full expression of the love that they are and not to teach/instruct them in a way that assumes we ‘know’ more than them. We are all forever learning and remembering together how to express the Soul’s light here on Earth once more.
I am learning too that there is no picture of when and how fast this return will be.
Thank you Adele for sharing – checking our sense of responsibility and uncovering where it is coming from e.g. old patterns, past experiences, beliefs, needs or ideals, frees us up to be all we truly are – in loving ourselves first and then loving another. I have always felt that children are one of our greatest teachers and I can feel this in your blog.
I have been discovering lately more about the responsibility of parenting, and how it is not about being in control of another person, but in fact parenting is a lot about reflection. As parents we reflect back to our children the consequences of their choices, but we also reflect the consequences of our own choices. This can be though lovingly taking care of our bodies and feeling great for it, or of living in disregard of our bodies and feeling dreadful. Either way we all live with our own consequences and as a parent the responsibility we have is perhaps to be open and honest about what we are learning along the way.
‘I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.’ Beautifully expressed Adele and wise words for any parent to accept as true.
I have always found that my children are also my healing practitioners as they offer me the opportunity to heal myself in ways that no other person can. This happens if we allow them to express from their truth.
I call my son my evolution coach.
Parenting is both challenging and inspirational. IT turns every rock to reveal every area of your life that may need to expand and evolve. It asks us to be more loving towards ourselves and others, more consistent, less judgemental and more responsible.
Parenting reminds us that the children we raise are not ours and that we have an opportunity to guide them and support them to be held in the fullness of their soul that is already there.
Children teach us to surrender and unravel the beliefs we may have attached to over the years. They remind us that we are forever returning and that life is a cycle. They invite us to parent ourselves. What a blessing 🙂 🙂 🙂
I love the idea that parents become aware and parent themselves first, as well as along side parenting their children, this all became possible with having our children, so parents and children have said yes to this great brotherhood learning to return to the responsibility of true parenting. We are not here to own or children, our children are not here to obey the parents, we are here to return to true love and to evolve.
Adele your words “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” When we build our own relationship within ourselves, we learn the importance of honesty, truth and love, and from there we are able to bring those into our relationships with others.
“How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.” This is hugh as so many adults struggle to have relationship throughout their lives due to the lack of relationships they have had with their parents, often adults struggle in relationships as their reflection of relationships was not as open, loving and honest as they where growing up
The awesome thing is our children would never allow us to not take responsibility as a parent if we truly listen and feel them. But that is up to us the parents to truly see or not, to choose to learn this precious lesson or not.
I found this blog very powerful to read Adele. It is an example of true parenting. A form of truly being a role model and an inspiration for our children which I am learning is far more enriching and far more enjoyable for them to grow up with. All simply by just embracing you and all of who you truly are!
What is very powerful Joshua is there is no destination in love and in relationship, when we go deeper in our connection with ourselves, we deepen the relationship with all others, there is so much to appreciate in having the responsibilities of a parent, as it is a relationship which nudges us every moment to choose the responsibility of love and the commitment to life.
Thank you Adele for sharing your experiences, as a parent I wanted children for something to love, and being a mother gave me a role and purpose. It really is a jolt to realise, that if I did not love myself how could I have loved my children, let alone others. Since learning what true love is, returning to the love I truly come from, I am able to love my children without demands of expectations, to accept them where they are on their path of life, we have so much more joy and freedom in our relationships now.
‘One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being’. I so know this. For me it was unconsciousness in that I didn’t to out to be a mother to full fill this loneliness I was feeling, but when I fell pregnant it was like, wow, here it is, this will fix everything. Its crazy that we do this, but I feel perhaps all too common.
Having the expectation that a child would fix our own emptiness is an imposition many parents (myself included) have lived, then would it be so surprising that when our children are born and grow up they too have learned to manipulate? Most of us did not know better. Most of the world does not know what true love is, and that is the core issue of all the suffering we are perpetuating generations after generations. If we do not look into changing the energy of the core problem, nothing will ever change. Love is the only true normal.
Well said Adele. ‘Love is the only true normal.’
Thank you Adele for sharing your experience and how expecting children to fill our emptiness of loneliness does not lead to an harmonious relationship but can, in fact, deepen the loneliness. We have to build a true loving relationship with ourselves and then we can teach our children to develop a relationship of true love with themselves and us as equals and grow together.
The deepest loneliness we feel is the separation with Soul and with Brotherhood, and the only way to back to one unified love is by choosing to live true love and letting go of emotional love and attachment.
Adele, your writing has inspired me beyond measure this morning. I have recently discovered all of what you describe here going on in my own parenting. That there is still need and little true harmony ..but rather a picture defining how we live together as a family. It was great to be able to read this blog and to feel the support in knowing that I am not alone in this, that others have been here also, and that with commitment, there is a way through, and more love to be had with myself and shared with my children. There is work ahead I can feel it, but I have been blessed with 3 gorgeous children in my life whom I love and care for dearly, and this love can also serve in my commitment to being a more responsible parent.
‘The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.’ – I absolutely agree Adele, beautifully said. Our responsibility is, the quality we choose to be with when we connect with another. When we are connected to the truth of our love, we then have no need for a relationship as it is simply then an opportunity to share, express and deepen the love that we already are. This then paves a foundation of true love on which we can walk forever deepening the quality of connection to the love that we are and share with each other.
When there is no need, every encounter is a forever deepening relationship, and it is called true love.
Adele a very lovely honest and open sharing for us all. Taking responsibility for our choices, allows us to change. “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.”
Adele, I have experienced some major shifts in behaviour with my children and even a few times with family and friends, when I have chosen not to take on another persons behaviour or melt down as a personal attack.
It was great to hear you describe this with such detail in your blog and it just confirms to me that when we drop our ideals and beliefs about how another person should or shouldn’t behave we release them from our judgement and are then more able to hold that person in love. I have found this possible when the ideals and beliefs that fuel the expectation and result in disappointment have been identified and are no longer freely running the show. By having this deeper awareness and staying connected to my heart I have at times experienced the anger or challenging behaviour melt away and in its place is someone who has felt loved, because deep down they know themselves they are not this behaviour and you have just given them an opportunity to feel that.
The most challenging situations are the greatest opportunities to let the deep love that we are all out, for we are truly this enormous love that we are.
Adele this was beautiful to read. Thank you.
I love what you shared about not taking your sons behaviour personally or judging him, but rather choosing to go deeper by remembering the depth of true love for him. Holding another in love regardless of there actions is very healing. Thanks for the reminder
This is an amazing article that should be in parenting magazines worldwide. I love your honesty, and the self-responsibility you are now bringing to your parenting is amazing. We are forever influencing our children and the way they will be with others, so the foundation you are now offering, showing him how to be with himself and others in his life, is priceless.
Thank you for this very personal sharing of your parenting Adele. The stand out message for me was that you cannot truly love someone else if you do not learn to love yourself first. The quality of love that you live with is the strength you need to allow nothing but love in your relationships. It starts with self- honesty, and then it is easy to be honest with the rest of humanity.
I love your blogs Adele, How to change a relationship based on need to one based on love.
The foundation of relationships begins by living who we are, rather than living how we think we ‘should be’.
The true responsibility of being a parent is about our relationship with ourselves then with others. How honest and loving a relationship is will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives
My son used to say: “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” Now I see the truth of this and what a true relationship is. What I also see is when true love is our commitment – remembering that our behaviour is not who we are – “then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined” Beautiful.
It is inspiring to wake up every morning Nicholas, to know how every relationship is an opportunity to live true love, even relationships which are not truly relationships but arrangements, there is still the opportunity for us to live what we know is love in its truth. Not that it is easy, but it is deeply inspiring so, as such opportunities are smiling in our faces with eyes beaming “evolution”.
Your blog and your livingness is very inspirational Adele – your journey from playing the role “mother” to become a truly caring woman, who takes responsibility for herself and for her son.
Even though i do not have children myself personally i can still feel that lovely connection you shared in yourself and then towards your son, it shows me that a true relationship with self opens true relationships with everyone wether it be family, friends or someone you meet for the first time.
thank you for sharing.
Thank you Adele, there is so much wisdom that has been shared in the article, I love the honesty and your commitment to strengthen the relationship with yourself and your son, this is a must read for anyone searching for deeper relationships in their lives.
Thanks Adele. Relationships do start with ourselves, a beautiful reflection for all.
As a single parent with a son I can relate very much to what you share here Adele, and he to “..often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self” when I stay steady with love. It is simple and effortless, no big arguments, no control – that loving energy is felt, and the reaction or issue (whatever it may be) falls away in his choice to accept the love. How we are as parents, and what we reflect to our children, is a way of living they will take with them into all their relationships in life.
I love your commitment Adele to having a truly loving relationship with your son and showing him how different it is to emotional love. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it a great deal as well when he’s older.
What a gorgeous photo of you and your son Adele. Thank you for this sharing, we sure can learn a lot from our children and the reflections they present to us. “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” Your words are so true and taking that responsibility will lead to so much more joyful and meaningful interactions with others.
When a child says something to a parent like “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.”, it feels to me as what is being stated is that they feel how we separate from that enormous love that we are and it is a call for us to come back. It is a testament to the truth that children feel and read everything and that true relationship with them as a parent is an amazing thing to commit to.
It is true that we all know how devastating it is to be separated from the enormous love that we are. Children in their honesty express this in our faces constantly, with their words, behavior, actions, reactions, everything. I am deep in appreciation every single day to be reminded of this. The responsibility of a parent is completely redefined.
Absolutely Adele, we can not know the depth of a truly loving relationship without first making that commitment to ourself.
What a truly gem of a blog, Adele, I SO enjoyed reading it. I sat nodding all the way through, agreeing with your reflections on parenting.
This is true, without a shadow of a doubt: “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” AND rather than living from one reaction to another. Or rather than living with the past influencing the present. Cute kid, your son, and lucky too. With love.
This is a work in progress at the moment “Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love.” I find I tend to react when I have left something go for way too long….and in the end I realise it was for my own benefit or because I’m too busy. Once I stop and see what is really going on for myself I can see more clearly what my boys need or not.
Parents do not always know best, although as adults, if we have a deeper awareness in life (this is not always the case), we carry a greater responsibility in expressing truth. But equally, children can reflect back to us what we may have missed or not want to feel/see. A relationship is only true when it is open, when we allow ourselves to humbly learn without the limiations or ideals regarding the roles in life. This takes the pressure off of having to live up to the ideal persona of a parent, that a parent has all the answers and has to be perfect, therefore, also by default, is not real, as there is no perfection in life. There will never be any true connection when we are not real—how can a living person connect to a perfect looking but in essence card board cut -out person? Being real brings us back to the possibility of connection, an awesome place to start.
Amazingly wise reflections, Adele, which I enjoy reading. You’re well on your way to writing “Parenting 101” which is all about the relationship to ourselves first.
I have found that as a parent what allowed me the consistency of being love to my child, is first the consistency of being truly loving to myself. Building a firm and solid foundation of what supports me in my well-being in life is first and foremost crucial, without compromise. This not only is a responsibility I can no longer be slack with in truly loving myself, because by first taking this responsibiity with myself, it naturally gives my child the same responsibility for himself—which he can choose to take or resist, with consequences. Any moment when I catch myself going back to attachment, it is an awareness that I have not been true to myself—and why is that? Why do I not live the true love to myself that I deserve? Where has this thought of not deserving come in? And how am I impacting the future generations and the whole world with a moment of not being true to me? There is no perfection in all of this, but a lot is there to feel, reflect and ponder when we build our foundation back towards true love.
When we start building a relationship with ourselves, the connection felt with ourselves is something that we may never have experienced with another, given the lack of reflections on a day to day basis in most parts of the world. And therefore, the reflections so beautifully offered by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine are a true gift to humanity, as it offers us the opportunity to be the same reflection. This relationship that we feel with ourselves then becomes a true foundation in our lives. It is never too late to begin this relationship, a relationship which we have been looking for, for all our lives, a relationship which is true. The truth is, we all know nothing else is enough but a foundation of true love, we just do not know what that means without having experienced it. Feeling it, first with ourselves, we can then reflect this to another—which could be shocking for many as most of us have not felt what true love feels like. We can resist it or we can accept it, the choice is always ours. A resistance is not a resistance to the person who reflects true love to us per se, but a resistance to the love which is within us, but we have not chosen to nurture.
There are no parents who do not love their children. But most parents have not been truly loved as children. Therefore the love they have been given is the only love they know how to give to their children. This which most of us call love is an emotional love which is based on needs and wants, it is an exchange and an arrangement. This which is not truly love is hurtful and harming. Although there may be moments of comfort and happiness, when being honest, those involved find themselves exhausted and without a true feeling of connection. Emotional attachment leaves us standing on very uncertain grounds, there is no true security. Imagine how how it is for a child—coming into the world feeling such a volatile foundation, wouldn’t the child then find all ways possible to secure a sense of stability for him/herself to not feel this horror? Imagine how it is for a parent—suddenly finding out that one day when the pandering to their children does not work anymore, and how many of us then judge love with our children simply ends when they grow up? How many of us then make the conclusion that the love within families simply do not exist and love in general just cannot be trusted to last? None of that is true, because we have not begun the relationship from a foundation of true love. Of course, then our relationships do not feel loving and they prove themselves to not reflect love—we are actually spot on on that, as these relationships are attachments, and they are not and have never been true love.
What a wisdom in these words “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” Your blog inspires me deeply to commit more to what I feel is truth and express that lovingly.
Emotional attachment is regarded as normal within families. But attachment can never truly bring us to true love, and without true love we can never truly be together. What hurts us deeply in emotional love is, it is only a watered down version, a temporary relief or security, but we can never truly be together as one.
This is the foundation to be lovingly firm and steady in parenting without reverting back to pandering–I am in!
The learning to nurture myself has opened the way for my child to nurture himself–which can be a totally different way from that which supports me. This constant respect and celebration of both of our rhythms, which at times can be very different, calls for a lot of deep nurturing with myself. Learning this on a microcosmic level within our family opens up on a macrocosmic level how to honor and nurture ourselves in a city, community or even the whole world when our rhythms are different. Relationships are everywhere in our lives, taking the responsibility towards one relationship opens and deepens all our relationships.
Recently the learning to nurture myself deeper and that the deepest nurturing I could give to myself presently is that of truly expressing myself with me, my child as well as with others. Instead of having the need or expectation that every day has to be perfect, which is a great stress on the body, I can learn more on how to simply express when tension is felt within the body without holding back.
Very True Adele, Eduardo, and Carmin it is definitely first about how we are with ourselves that sets the scene with parenting . Allowing the child to be themselves free of the imposition of ideals,beliefs and needs of what we the parents are needing to fill our own emptiness .Otherwise we only create the same vicious circle .
Construct a relationship based on your needs with a kid and more sooner than later, the child responds in kind. Needs call for needs. Stepping up in commitment to oneself first and the others second is a great place to start connecting to what is true and giving an opportunity for love to grow.
Yes Eduardo, a child will respond the same especially if they are trying to please the parent…. but as I’ve experienced it leads to resentment and rejection, and always looking to please others later in life.
All relationships start with how we how are with ourselves – our relationship with self first – otherwise we approach them with needs and expectations which undermine true connection. This is an amazing blog, thank you Adele.
Sometimes life gives us the opportunities to truly live what it means to let go of ideals and beliefs in parenting, by being in situations where we simply can’t rely on ideals and beliefs anymore. We simply have to connect with ourselves and there is nothing else we could do further, but to remain in this steady, firm and loving connection with ourselves. And the beauty about these so-felt confronting situations are–our stillness is reflected in our children, without any parenting ideals or ways used or tried. Sometimes what comes from this connection with ourselves is something totally unconventional but it proves to be awesome, and we know this only from how our children respond.
“For me being loved meant being understood” Just last night I found myself wanting to be understood by someone and soon realised how this was completely negating any connection between us. Later without any need I shared a feeling and related it to his own experience and he understood – but this had come naturally in our flow of communicating, not from my trying or wanting him to get it. Such a beautiful feeling and a confirmation that everything comes in its own time.
This is a beautiful blog that is not only relevant to parenting but all of our relationships. How often do we allow people to get away with…well not exactly murder..but outrageous behaviours just so that we do not feel lonely or abandoned.
This came home in your son’s comment about just how much he loves you. That love is innate in him, so very natural, yet it can be swamped by behaviours that are anything but love. And we allow this from our children, partners, parents, friends and work associates.
Why? Why do we do this?
Love, I am re-learning, is firm and it is neither nice nor compliant. It never demands, but it does ask people to be responsible for themselves. And if we are going to ask others to be responsible, then it makes absolute sense that we ask the same of ourselves first.
Great, gorgeous and love “provoking” blog Adele for parents, lovers, friends, children and colleagues.
Just reading this Rachel, I can feel how loving it would be to be pulled up by you in this way -“Love, I am re-learning, is firm and it is neither nice nor compliant. It never demands, but it does ask people to be responsible for themselves. And if we are going to ask others to be responsible, then it makes absolute sense that we ask the same of ourselves first.”
Rachel, this is awesome sharing, loved every word ! and I agree that anyone would benefit greatly from this great blog.
What you share here has relevance and application for how we are in all our relationships. I was particularly struck by this: ‘The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’. All those ideals and beliefs about true love, parental love, familial love – when all that’s really asked for is to be naturally us, ‘back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others’ as you say. Thanks, Adele.
I know many people with young children and babies. I love hanging out with them and feel the responsibility in living a truthful relationship with myself so that I can be a role model for them.
This raises the exposing question what is the foundation of the relationship with myself and others? Is it based on getting my needs met or meeting others needs to feel loved. What you describe Adele is relationship based on the foundation of true love where need has no place, but there is infinite space for joy, sharing and support.
Adele I didn’t have your wisdom when I was raising my son. Now he has a son of his own. Learning that establishing a loving relationship with myself first, as my foundation, means that present relationships can and do change, as well as new ones now begin on loving foundations, with no room for neediness.
It’s beautiful Bernadette, how relationships are always living, there is no homeostasis, every moment lived becomes our next moment in this living, breathing connection with everyone and everything.
Reading this amazing blog and comments I realised that as my sons were growing up I presumed my relationship with them was ever changing and evolving – the simple fact that they were growing into older boys, then teenagers, then young men gave me the feeling that this must be the case. However looking more closely at it I can see that because I too was parenting from a need, nothing deep down was really changing. They were certainly getting bigger and older but because I was not living a truly loving relationship with myself there was no commitment to bring true love to my relationship with them. This was a painful realisation and a great point of change for me. It is still very much a work in progress but I absolutely love that there is a constant and instant reflection given by my sons in response to my level of honesty and self love.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” I love this Adele ‘should be’s’ are always so exhausting!
Learning to say No is often the most loving thing one can say in a relationship. Thank you for writing this Adele. I am sure many parents and non-parents can relate to what you have gone through.
Very true Jinya. When we say no to what is not love, we are saying yes to love.
When my first son was born I remember feeling that all the pieces of life had fallen into place. I knew exactly what needed to be done and I was deeply in love with him. In the years to come our relationship would see many difficult times, but that original bond has never left us, and the more I respect him and take responsibility for my own issues, the more he is free to express himself and be his own person.
That connection you speak of and know Shami is also what I know with my son. And with a deeper connection now with ourselves, this connection is being called to be deepened with our children as well, and vice versa. Opportunities to evolve every day.
Whenever I open up this blog, it’s the photo of you two that catches my eye and makes me giggle – there is such fun to be had and yet we make life serious – this photo reminds me to be more playful in my day, thank you!
Adele your commitment to resurrect your relationship with yourself and how that has rippled out to all your relationships is amazing. Parenting is such a huge enormously precious responsibility that so many people do not truly give their all to – it’s great to hear of people changing the current norm.
The realization I have with children is how great a blessing they are in our lives, for they consistently ask us to be more of ourselves in true love. Raising our voices with children for example, therefore, basically becomes impossible–because we are not love when we do so, and children will tell us in their ways (from reaction to full blown rebellion) that we are not coming from Love! Not being calm with our children, the consequence of this choice is a greater tendency of aggression or even violence from them directed back at us. Not meeting our children with presence and with true love, they reflect back to us an aloofness and a reluctance to communicate, connect and express. Children truly love us more than we can imagine, the relationship I have with my son constantly asks me to go deeper and higher.
I love your consistant evolving comments Adele and all they share and the evolving evolution to love, truth and communication to ourselves our family and all humanity you are presenting. The responsibility of being a parent in this is so important and a beautiful inspiration for us all.
Adele, it is never too late for us to learn about ourselves and parenting – its wonderful.
So true Francene and Judy, it is never too late to re-imprint and once love becomes our choice in relationships, re-imprinting can be instant, as what is not of love stands out as tension. This is something very beautiful for me as it breaks down the temporally defined roles between parents and children, that the parents are always right or parents carry the pride that will not admit their mistakes. Ultimately, it is all and only about love and evolution.
I totally take off my sombrero to anyone who brings up a child on their own as even having a partner and bringing up a child can be very demanding at times.
Kevin, I used to feel being a single mom was very hard, and the single mom card was used to take me away from responsibility. I choose to now see why my soul has constellated the choice of me being a single mother, and to know that I have all the support ever needed in this constellation for more stepping up and evolution with myself and humanity. To be empowered or to disempower, eventually it comes back to a choice I make.
Beautifully said Adele. The support is always there, and it is so touching sometimes when one looks back and tracks the people and and things that stepped in to offer that support. Deeply holding.
And aren’t relationships amazing, as they consistently remind us that relationships are not about us. How we are with our children is not about us. Therefore, any hurts we feel when taken personally, we will lose the big picture that a relationship is about love. It is about returning to a momentum that is about love and evolution.
I love how life always open us to more opportunities to go deeper when we have said yes to evolving and that relationships are never static and a done deal. The relationship with my son is always opening for me to see where I am still not living truth, and that when the opportunity comes again, it is my choice to choose love or not. And whether I choose love even though it feels challenging or confronting or choose what I know is not truth but feels familiar, depends on how I have lived in between the time of the choices. This is super important as I have realized, to change deep patterns and momentums, the key is to live as much as we are aware of the amazingness that we are, no different if it’s after an episode which is particularly challenging with our children, so that it builds a new momentum before the next opportunity comes. Then what feels familiar from the past which is not truly loving, will start to not feel so good at all. This has been my learning to say no, and to drop old harming patterns in relationships, it only became possible when now what has been familiar becomes tension, and my amazingness has become the new momentum. The next step is consistency.
Thank you Adele for this lovely article. It brought back memories of how difficult I found it raising a son as a single parent and the blessing of now being able to reimprint our relationship. The more I grow and change, the more my relationship with my son, who is an adult and a parent himself now, grows and changes. We are discovering true love, respect and equality as adults and it is truly beautiful. Such a blessing.
Thank you Adele for sharing this article with everyone. The best thing we can share with our kids the true version of ourselves.
Beautiful Adele what you have shared here about you changing the relationship to yourself and as a consequence the relationship to your son – and obviously to humanity – as you write in your self-description that you are “enjoying intimacy with 7 million others” : ) – great! . This is the opening up to oneself – opening up to everyone else…
Thank you for your honest blog Adele, you raise such an important issue about parenting. How can we truly offer love and allow our children to be who they truly are if we lack love ourselves? The imposition of our needs onto others, and in this case our children is something we need to get very honest about, so we can allow them to grow up in the love and joy they naturally are.
So honestly beautiful Adele. By committing to love , we can open ourselves up to so much more. Thank you I love reading your blog.
What I have got very clearly from this blog is how important trust of myself is. This is what is shattered, or perhaps more accurately, slowly eroded away as a young child, with so many actions from significant people in one’s life, coming from the protection of not trusting themselves and therefore not trusting others. It is the usual way of life. Hence what Universal Medicine has offered is essential to building trust -that it starts with ourselves and that is comes through exploring inner connection and awareness, being open to the possible truth that there is a place inside us that is trust worthy, all the time, in all situations in life.
A truly inspirational blog Adele, and lots of ‘aha’ moments for me, relating to not dealing with children’s outbursts and not taking responsibility for my role in that choice of behavior with others. In the past I would go into giving up mode with my children when they were young and I used to bring in the, I’m a single mum card and use that against myself to not take responsibility, convince myself that I was being a loving mum. Now when I see that happening at work between families, I can feel the effect it has on both parties and there is no true love within all of that. Love doesn’t need game playing and bribes, it simply holds you and says, you know you’re amazing, so what’s the story here?
Your honesty is inspiring Adele. From meeting the needs of your son and pandering to him, making your life full of the grief of filling of his demands, the pain of ignoring how you truly felt, not expressing your truth and living with a deep sadness. To committing to self responsibility with all the rewards of being a mother, less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt. Beautiful.
Brave topic Adele. I enjoyed this part “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” It is my experience as well as a parent and a person that self responsibility has been the corner stone of my relationships. In other words my relationships start with me first and then out from there.
There are many ways to parent but there is only one way to love. That ‘love’ can look many ways and isn’t always the same but the love needs to be built within first, self responsibility. As they have always said, children do what you do and not what you say. So to ‘lead the way’, to parent etc you must first live what you are saying, again self responsibility. I am a great parent but it has only partly to do with how I am with children, the larger part is how I am with myself first, yes again the self responsibility. Thanks Adele.
Yes Raymond, the bottom line is and always is self responsibility; being responsible for yourself brings the awareness of how responsible are we when around others in that, does our expression silently or verbally lift and expand others or does our expression make others less?
And as you pointed out; “children do what you do and not what you say”.
I love that Gemma, “Responsibility is the new black”–it would make another great tee shirt slogan 🙂
Adele what a completely raw and honest piece about your relationship with your son, and I found what you said here was startling obvious about being ‘harmonious’ : “Indeed the relationship between my son and I seemed harmonious on the surface because he would always get what he wanted”, and then the fact that you took this further to realise that the ‘harmonious relationship’ (only ever based on need) also mirrored what you had with male partners in your life. Your post has made me consider and reflect on the dynamics contained in relationships, and how we like to feed them, which ultimately stops the beauty of truth being in them, thank you Adele.
It’s it an amazing phenomenon that what we see and feel in our relationships – be it lack of true love – is the reflection of how we are being with ourselves – truly loving or not – I love the way you have shared this wisdom with your personal account here Adele- you make self-responsibility the new new black !
I agree Gemma, i have come to see that every time I feel a need towards another I am actually not truly connected and loving with myself.
Adele you have brought so many levels of awareness to building true relationships. I love your honesty in your sharing & for making it real as many of us have & are living through similar. You take away the need in a relationship & then what do you have but just pure love with which comes no need for pandering, controlling or fixing but only leaves space for allowing, understanding & loving. It also leaves us free from any burdens of expectations from need. It is true that it first starts with self-love & then you can truly & fully love another.
Thank you for such an amazing & inspirational blog.
Adele, you share so openly, you let us all in to your heart with your writing. And the joy and depth of love that can be felt between you and your son, and you with people is huge — thank you for sharing this with us all.
This is a deeply important sharing for us all and contains a wisdom and joy of life and parenting and relationship with ourselves first as hugely important . Thank you Adele for the lovely awareness you bring light to and the true relationships we can have ever deepening and confirming if we choose to.
Without connection with our children first, necessary boundaries become rules and control. Our children will feel this , and they will never agree to it and would react towards us.
But when we take the responsibility to connect with our children first, and consistently so, they may still react to the boundaries, but they will keep connecting back to you. That is when we as parents know, whether we have met them or not.
Children know what is true love or not, but are we as parents humble and open enough to listen and feel their reflections and reactions? And can we ourselves have this necessary openness towards them when we have not first built this openness with ourselves?
Adele. You are truly an inspiration to all single parents, and a truly a loving mother.
Beauty-full blog Adele well expressed. I can relate to a lot in my relationships now where I trust completely what I am feeling. The more I appreciate how deeply I feel and honour that equally in not holding it back –> life flows and it is confirmed that I am in full control.
“The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.” This is such a wonderful raw and honest blog showing the traps that many of us fall into in all relationships, when we make choices in order to have our needs fulfilled.
Golnaz, beautifully and powerfully expressed.
“Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” I’ve heard this said by a young child also Adele, and you know what touches me now, is that child knew exactly what they meant, though I, because of my lack of self love at that time, could not let in their love – and therefore, at the time could not myself understand their words and what they were feeling. Now I do Adele, your article has brought me to this awareness. Thank you.
It is deeply beautiful Rosanna, the understanding between parent and child relationships that comes when we have chosen to make it only about love, then we know it is really love that has constellated us, and that in our hearts we have always known it is true love that we wish to live. Thank you for sharing.
Adele, your article introduces us to a new understanding of responsibility. What you are saying about responsibility makes sense.
Thanks Adele. Lovely to read how you have changed your relationship with you son. I am sure that must have been an experience in itself but great to read that staying with loving yourself was the way through.
Most relationships are based on need but as you say, Adele, a true relationship is founded on ‘our relationship with ourselves first’. If we value ourselves we do not need another to fulfill us so we do not place any demands on another, nor do we allow anything that would devalue us or them.
I agree Ariana. I have seen how putting my relationship with myself first has made tremendous differences to my relationships with others over the last few years. I am at a point now where I am wanting to take my relationship with myself even deeper, but not entirely sure how? I guess asking the question is the first step, and the first answer that comes to me is to deepen my connection with myself and my body.
Re ‘relationship to oneself’ : in a group I am in Marianna we discussed this morning the topic of infidelity. It was a deep and gorgeous unpacking of all the misleadings around this topic. We were speaking about the anti-dote to infidelity being ‘self-devotion ‘, a devotion of going more deeply into intimacy with oneself, and that any using any distraction to prevent deeper intimacy was in fact anti-evolutionary behaviour.
There was something about the use of the word devotion (usually a word I am slightly reserved with), that felt so powerful – more than self-love, because suddenly God was in the picture, resonating so strongly with my-self.
Being aware of and arresting the energy of our hurts is one pf the most powerful was to go, I am finding.
Adele I have a question, (or three)!. You said that, “even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us”. Do you think that people carry this cycle with them to adulthood? And do you see that not getting want you want and the explosive emotions that often follow as the basis of abuse we see in society?
Marianna, brilliant questions thank you.
The answers are presently being lived everyday in deeper awareness.
It is all about relationships. To abuse and to allow abuse if it happens in our relationships there must be a momentum that has been carried forth which feels familiar in the body. Whether this momentum is carried to adulthood (and further) or not, depends on the awareness of the destruction caused by this pattern, and whether we consistently and in commitment choose to build another momentum. For myself, even with the awareness, the true action of it was only possible when the love within my body was built enough to let me say NO. And it this a forever deepening process.
Which leads to the answer to your second question–-when we allow and condone people from getting away with explosive emotions because these emotions are intimidating and controlling, then yes, the momentum of explosive emotions collectively will become the basis of abuse and it would form a foundation accepting abuse to be normal and abuse will be justified it as unfortunate or unchangeable. Then we have all the reasons to label people as bad and evil and further not take the responsibility to let the world in or live the naturalness of connection and love.
So to break the pattern of abuse in our society is definitely teamwork of the whole world! Starting from our individual lives, to communities, to the world–-breaking the cycle/pattern/consciousness of abuse is the responsibility of every one of us, in all our relationships.
‘So to break the pattern of abuse in our society is definitely teamwork of the whole world! Starting from our individual lives, to communities, to the world–-breaking the cycle/pattern/consciousness of abuse is the responsibility of every one of us, in all our relationships.’ Funny how easy it is to blame everyone else when the responsibility lies with each individual to work alongside everyone else – together we can rebuild humanity into the loving, harmonious way of being that is our true nature.
Some great points Adele, and yes, ‘breaking the cycle/pattern/consciousness of abuse is the responsibility of every one of us, in all our relationships’, and with our selves.
It’s always difficult when I’m challenged to admit that I didn’t get it right. I am fortunate to have two amazing sons and yet I can’t claim that it’s all down to me. In fact I got most of it wrong as I did things that I thought were ‘love’ but actually they weren’t. Thank you Adele for the reflection.
Oh Michael, we all did the same!
What a wonderful opportunity to be able to read blogs such as this, and share our developments with each other across the world as we emerge from the false web that we once ‘thought’ was love and relationship.
I had one parent whose Victorian motto was Spare the rod and spoil the child. The other gave me the responsibility for being good and I know which one I prefered and I brought up my own children that way. But it is not the influence of one parent that makes someone who he is but a balance of everything and the choices they make from it all. Children thrive on love and inspiration above all else.
Being your ‘son’ it is lovely to read your honesty here. At the time you did what you thought was loving and caring for us, providing us with literally anything and everything we could have ever wanted just in the material form. The more loving and tender you are with yourself now the more you are with me and it is lovely to see you becoming more of the man you always were, naturally sweet and caring without needing to give us anything.
Same here Ariana. Firstly, I had to develop a relationship with myself as that did not exist, and as I have worked on this and deepened the relationship with myself which has been so lovely to do…. I have found like you all my relationships have become easier and have improved.
When we hold another in true love, it is a gift we offer the other which is felt….. and the ‘stuff’ that was inbetween just seems to drop away. Truly inspiring blog Adele and a great support for anyone who struggles with parenting.
I am with you Adele. Until we truly understand and accept ourselves lovingly, there can be no true love in relationships. This seems to be a constant work in progress, but gets easier with a focus on consistency and steadiness.
That’s an amazing blog, which I relate to very much. In fact – it shows the pattern of how we tend to raise children to expect to get what they want and the world accommodating all their wants and desires. Later in life this seems to cause confusion and sets up a situation where people don’t take responsibility for themselves. I very much enjoyed reading this and seeing the patterns that we create.
Parenting becomes an honour when we begin to honour ourselves in the way that we look after ourselves. Like you Adele, I felt unable to deal with the emotional repercussions when I was not giving my children a true reflection of how to be self-caring. Sometimes rather than giving in to them I would go into manipulation and control mode and try to avoid being either honest with them or myself. I was giving them very mixed messages as that was how I felt inside – lost and mixed up. I have found such clarity and love by attending the courses of Universal Medicine and meeting Serge Benhayon.
I was really impressed by your honesty in sharing your parenting issues and then the complete turn around. The resolution of the problems that you share will be of much benefit to many new young Parents. I do believe that what you shared, that it is “never too late to reimprint the relationship with our children” is a great truth. Thank you Adele for a terrific blog.
When we pander to our children for whatever reason, we are changing ourselves in need of an outcome. This is a compromise in integrity to ourselves. Being a nice parent because we want to be liked , or to keep our children in control, neither side is in integrity or true love with each other.
I agree Adele – being “nice” to be liked or keep control is actually manipulative and very damaging – it teaches our children that pleasing people is an acceptable way of behaving, which if course it is not.
Hi Adele, I love this point that you make “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.”
As parents we often take on a role of how we think we should act based on whatever ideals we are under the influence of at the time. When I did this in my years of parenting I was forever overriding my own feelings and impulses in favour of these ideals. This also overrode my ever taking deep care of myself first so this ‘disregard for self’ was taken on with a vengeance by my children allowing in all sorts of abuse as they became teenagers that has taken years to turn around. It is great that you are nipping these things in the bud as this will save a lot of time undoing the damage that otherwise occurs.
Adele this piece of writing is gold for many parents. You show and proove that it is all about the relationship with self first, before trying to change or work on the relationship with others or even want them to change for oneself. Your son is lucky to have a mum like you, reflecting and working towards what is true, so he will know as an adult what is true and what is not.
Being a mother of 3 and a teacher I have endlessly used control to manage my life.
Through the inspiration of Simone Benhayon I am beginning to see that by truly meeting children their develops a trust and respect for each other that no longer relies on strict control or rules – of course there are solid boundaries consistently in place. But through spending time getting to know children, encouraging them to express freely they feel met and engaged, from here there a fewer barriers to listening and learning together.
I agree Lucinda. Without connection first, necessary boundaries will feel like rules and control, and to children who are still open to feel, this will never work.
When there is constant connection, even though there may still be reaction from the necessary boundaries given, but being consistent in those boundaries as well as being consistent in connecting with our children, they feel a trust that supports them.
All still a play in progress for me.
I didn’t like reading this blog at first, honestly. I had a big smile on my face at the joy-filled photo and was with you for the first part of the blog and then I felt a comparison come in and that felt hideous. So I stopped reading and have come back to it today. Today I am more steadily connected and it is easy for me to feel the inspiration you provide here and the practical language you use really magnifies that. For me, the comparison was simply a knowing that there is so much deeper I want to take this myself and your blog really serves to reconfirm that the relationship starts with me first. So thank you Adele.
Raising children is such a huge responsibility, one that I do not think I fully appreciated when I started out in parenting. The ease with which it is possible to impose our hurts and needs on to our children is startling and I feel can distract away from the genuine care and intimacy that we as parents can share with our children.
Parenting sure brings up a lot of stuff!
Adele, it is so true, how we are with ourselves influences the children throughout their lifes. I observe this everyday with my daughter. Our children do love us deeply and so we are the most important role models for them . Apart of having a loving way of being consequent with them is the way how I am with myself which counts for the upbringing of them.
It takes a lot of courage and honesty to look deeper at our needs around having children; it’s amazing to feel the depth of you looking into those needs, without judgement or self-condemnation. Thank you Adele it was inspiring to read your insights.
Thank you Adele, and beautiful to read of the transformation in your lives. Whether a parent or not these are true words for everyone -“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.”
This is a gorgeous blog Adele – I especially loved the quote: “the foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” – what a revelation and stark contrast to the usual nature of relationships – where the foundations of relationships are based on an expectation of what the other person can give to us.
“For me being loved meant being understood;” This rang a bell with me Adele, while I had not at the time associated it with being loved, I could recognise how I would retreat from the world if I felt I was not understood. Knowing that love starts with loving me first has turned my whole understanding of love around, that it is something that can never be found by looking to another to give me love, knowing we are love, changes everything.
Thank you Adele for sharing, this is simply beautiful.
I actually allow my children to parent me. They often reflect back to me my own agenda and the way that I am going about delivering it in the household. If I lose myself in the parenting role there is a sense of disengagement which is reflected back to me in many ways, parenting then starts becoming hard work. Even though they are still young, I ask them to read me and express what they feel, then we talk about it, a great learning experience for us all.
Great sharing Matthew thank you. The equality and playful ways we relate with our children changes everything we know parenting to be.
Great ideas here, Matthew, thank you
That is a very cool idea! I love it – I got an amazing sense of equality reading your comment.
Self Love, true relationship with self first that allows true relationship with our family … All 7 Billion of them.
All 7 billion and counting–thank you Merilee for the playful touch on truth–that our family indeed is this world and beyond. Every relationship we have impacts the whole of this family, when we come back to this truth on perspective, responsibility is key.,
Adele, it is inspiring to see how you are working on your relationship with your son and it helps me to understand how this kind of work will help all the generations to come.
Adele, this blog is AMAZING! I love the truth and honesty you have brought to this and oh boy oh boy do I relate. Thank you for the loving warm encouragement offered in this blog to parent in truth.
I agree “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” Connecting to who we are and living from this place is a foundation that supports us to express ourselves and through this we are able to have more honest and open relationships with other people. It is a responsibility, and it does not feel a burden, this responsibility feels amazing, how could coming back to who I truly am feel any other way?
Adele how beautifully you share in bringing the responsibility back to ourselves and others develops and support our relationship with our children. Having that level of honesty and commitment is what we all need to reflect on and bring into our lives. This will create space for us to really deepen our relationships with everyone.
Adele I so loved and deeply appreciate the commitment you made to turning around your relationship with your son from one of destruction to one of love. I too did this with my two daughters so I know it takes a lot of honesty and many painful moments when you need to feel the choices you have made.Your dedication is an inspiration to all.
Mary-Louise just as I appreciate your commitment to true parenting as well as to everyone who has chosen to live true love and true relationships, this is the support that I feel every day to keep going.
And in knowing that there is no difference in the relationship with a child, or with anyone in our lives, that true relationships are not about us or our hurts or even the outcome, but a responsibility.
Adele, that’s huge! “That true relationships are not about us or our hurts or even the outcome, but a responsibility.” I have just realised that I have used relationships as another way of numbing, or not wanting to feel my hurts as I did with entertainment, food and distraction. I know that I have used relationships, to give me something back, to fill my own needs. I haven’t made it about the other person at all. I haven’t taken responsibility of myself, which is why I couldn’t take the responsibility for my relationships with others. You have offered me much to ponder on!
From reading your blog Adele and the comments it has brought home to me the fact that I kept myself so busy trying to please everyone but myself I couldn’t feel what was right for me – my parenting was done from an expectation of what had been done by others before me that I copied. The belief of what a good parent is, thank goodness I have been offered a different way for myself and my children.
Adele, how honest, how inspiring. This whole artifice is golden and one particular part I love is “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.” Through attitudes like this the world changes for the better – Thank you Adele.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” Completely agree Adele, great blog
Adele I can relate to what you share without being a parent myself. I am learning that when I can hold another in true love there is an allowing of them to be. There is no need to control them or the situation, no hardness. I can lovingly correct another if needed but if it isn’t for their growth than I need to ask myself “Am I imposing my needs on them?” When I don’t hold another in equalness and love I am easily reactive, am wanting to control and feel hard in my chest. My relationship with me determines the quality of how I relate to others.
Powerful blog Adele. I have found parenting is definitely a button pusher that exposes the strength of my commitment to self love and by extension, genuine love for others, as opposed to a ‘needy’ love. Thank you – you have given me plenty to reflect on as I go about my day and interact with family.
Thank you Adele, for such a clear redefinition of what responsibility is “Being who I am”. I have long lived under the false idea and belief that being responsible meant doing things for other people. Being able to be truly present with our children and support them by role modelling true responsibility goes a long way in raising them and supports them to make self-loving choices.
Ultimately no one feels good about neediness, because in need to have someone or something fill us of what we don’t give to ourselves, is already a rejection we have towards ourselves. And no, any form of rejection of myself does not come from truth or love, even though it may feel more challenging (to the world) to choose glory, but there is always a tension we have to live with when we choose anything less.
And in the familial situation, the seed of need is planted so deep, and if we put a family relationship above any other relationship we have, that it is different or something we allow more leeway to because it is family, we are already rejecting the fullness of ourselves based on this need from birth. And we go through life identifying and justifying this capping of ourselves as normality. No, that would not be true and no thank you for the tension that comes with this arrangement.
This is a brilliant article Adele. The mother has such a powerful role in establishing true relationship with her children. In the case of sons in particular which you are discussing here,, a young boy who has an equal, true and loving relationship with his mother, based on respect, true expression and taking responsibility (and fun!) helps the boy grow into a young man who will also live that way with the partner he chooses to be with. Boys who have been in a dominating role with a needy mother will seek that kind of partnership when they grow older and so the old pattern of behaviour continues, to the detriment of the person and the human race.
Absolutely Lyndy, there is great responsibility of being a parent. Truth has to be expressed always, in understanding and connection, without the attachment in how eventually our children choose.
This quote is one that rings true for me “It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself.”
Thanks Adele, this is a blog I appreciate. As a non-custodial parent I realise despite being far away in a physical sense my connection to my son can still be overcome with heartfelt and ‘presence’ in love. The responsibility of being with love with myself rather than blame others, is where I am able to re-align my connection with my child – this is ultimately nurturing for all.
Beautifully expressed Andrew, how beautiful that your child is feeling the connection you have with yourself, and that is the connection on-going between the both of you.
Beautiful Adele – This blog perfectly illustrates how giving into another’s ‘needs’ destroys any opportunity for true connection.
That’s awesome Leonne, simple and so true.
Absolutely Leonne and Tim. Acknowledging where in life we are still held by needs opens up our true power.
Hello Adele, something that I really took note of in your blog was the statement “Without true love, there can be no true relationship”. This is so true and thank you for your writing
This is very inspiring. It all comes back to building a body of love with myself first. ‘ our patterns of behaviour are not who we are’ I am finally implementing this truth in a real way and poof the self judgment is gone. Awesome!
Beautifully put Laura. Good parenting is simply a side effect of building a body of love and living that first. It is like they say before plane take-off, ‘Parents, put on your oxygen masks first and then deal with the children’.
Adele such pure gold felt for this blog. “The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.” Such beautiful words and a perfect representation of what true love is. Thank you.
Re-reading your awesome blog Adele, these words stood out to me, as you speak about true loving parenting:’There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’
These are stupendous words about relationship. Less rules because the true authority of love is being expressed, less control because you are coming from love and not protection, and no need to harden when speaking because the flow of love is coming straight through. This is energetic integrity. So beautiful!!
Brilliant blog Adele, I love your honesty and insight. Very inspiring indeed. I have 2 young children and in the past 2 years my relationships with my children have gone to another level of understanding and appreciation. I realised some things were not working for me ask a parent and I took the responsibility to dig deep and looks at my hurts and what may be affecting my parenting. With the help of my Esoteric Practitioner, friends, loving support from my partner and commitment to making loving choices for myself. I changed my diet, and honoured my body as to when to go to bed and a natural rhythm began to appear. This changed everything, I was not exhausted and was able to be myself again around my children. By me making loving choices changed everything. Things began to flow easily, I am more equipped to deal with challenges without losing myself. I am able to just be myself and respond to my children with consistency and love.
So true Chan, being not exhausted helps a lot in our clarity of awareness, so as with everything in life, parenting requires a very supportive rhythm.
It indeed all comes back to the relationship with ourselves. So true. And beautiful to read how this relating to and loving yourself has turned around the conditioned relationship which you had with your son.
Very inspiring that you expose the elephant (in the room) of illusionary parenting that is based on needs and ideals, deconstructing the imprisonment of emotional-love-parenting and showing the way of true relationship with self and everyone else equally based on love. It really boosts my readiness to expand and evolve my depth of love and my relationships.
“Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love.” I love how you have expressed what true love is – to support our children to make loving choices for themselves rather than being the nice guy.
I feel that the ideals and beliefs swamp us when it comes to parenting and thus we look for quick fixes and relief from what is going on with our children. This stops us from truly connecting to just how important it is for us to remain true to ourselves so that we can bring all that is needed to parenting a child or children.
Very true Sally, like any choice in life, in parenting our bodies feel the familiarity of all that we have lived. It does take a lot of presence to start from connection with ourselves, and make choices based on this connection, even though sometimes it feels different to what the world is choosing.
Sally I am finding that my connection to who I am not as a mother but a woman that have a loveliness at my core, is all that is needed to truly connect to my kids in their loveliness and from there to know what is needed. This is quite remarkable for a woman who once had a huge collection of parenting advise books 🙂
I love this Adele. Parenting is not one of the easiest jobs but what you are showing us here is that as parents and indeed anyone interacting with a young person, we have a responsibility to be fair, firm, self honouring and honest, as when we pander to another’s needs it doesn’t empower them, is very draining and won’t support them to become responsible adults.
Amazing Adele, it takes great honesty to admit that your relationship with your son was not based on true love, and then to commit to changing it. Many people identify parenting with giving their children everything, security, material things, education, but often the most important thing – being completely loved – gets lost in the picture, as do we as people before we are parents.
The word responsibility is all encompassing but also has many levels. I’ve noticed that my responsibility to myself, others and the world, evolves. It’s not that the ‘goal post’ move, but it is as if my eyes open up as I open up to responsibility.
Beautifully said, Matthew. Our awareness with regards to the ripple effect of everything we do, think and say keeps expanding out to be all-encompassing. This is a different perspective on life than most are willing to embrace.
Beginning to re-read your article Adele I was stopped by what you have exposed in your very first paragraph: “In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being”. This exposes what so many of us have done, and the way that we have, in the past ‘used’ people for our own needs, even though we would have possibly classed ourselves as someone who loved people and would never use them. I remember about 20 years ago, observing how I was ‘using’ a sales person in a shop to get what I wanted – I wasn’t being rude or demanding but I was aware that there was a ‘using’ and discarding feeling there. It was a revelation to me at the time, and still something I am onto. Thank you for your honesty Adele!
Such is the beauty and power of us as we express the truth from our own lived experiences.
I love the way you put this Kristy, recognising the patterns and making the effort to make it about love not need. Making life and relationships about true love does take work after many years living the opposite of this. I Like to remind myself whenever I am feeling challenged by an old pattern and it feels as if I will never be free of it, that I have a choice, and that with understanding and with commitment, that old pattern will eventually be no more, and love will take its place.
Dearest Adele, I truly love your writing, always so open and honest.
Whether we are biological parents or not, what you speak of here applies to us all. I can so relate to having children to fill a loneliness, and also to trying to fit them into my own ideal of love. To have this comfortable and controlled perfect relationship, that in truth is not love at all. For me I feel this came from feeling so challenged by my other relationships and life in general, so I was looking to create something I could control and have the way I wanted it. This doesn’t leave any room for anyone to breath, or to be themselves, or to make mistakes. Today I am learning so much from being a parent and for choosing to take responsibility and to let go of this need to control but to just allow and accept more. Great blog.
Anna, beautifully shared and amazing that as we understand and accept ourselves so much more, then the truth of parenting becomes much more accessible, and it is nothing like we have known before or that this world is teaching us through its ideals and beliefs. We are all learning deeper the commitment to connecting with ourselves and consistently so.
A very beautiful and intimate sharing Adele. It highlights the simplicity of parenting when we get all of our “stuff” out of the way. Taking responsibility for ourselves, allowing our children to be who they are, understanding their behaviours and reactions, accepting all of them and remembering the deep love that they are and holding them with the deep love that we are. I find that whenever something comes up with my daughter, I now always look at myself first. Thank you.
Well expressed Simone, looking at ourselves first when things come up with our children–with deep understanding and acceptance, and this understanding and acceptance can also be felt by our children.
Changing ill behaviours and patterns in relationships requires us to be deeply honest with ourselves as a basic starting point. From there true relationships can develop.
Thank you Adele for sharing your blog on parenting , being prepared to live a loving relationship with self is opening to an expansive relationship of love with family friends and every one we meet , to see and treat equally your son as you would any other person or your self is liberating for all involved.
How true Paul that we compartmentalize our relationships when equality can’t be shared with one and not the other or all. This belief is so deeply entrenched in familial relationships, and all our relationships suffer when the relationship with self and family start in a place where truth is lacking.
An honourably amazing blog Adele. All that you have shared is most definitely about true relationships, and the dedication, honesty and indeed lightness that is a part of truly loving another – not from need or wanting our own ‘holes’ to be filled, but rather, from love (the real deal) which does not pander.
It feels as though there is a book to write on the development of your relationship with your son. One that would assist many parents (and people in any form of close relationship) to recognise just what doesn’t truly support ourselves and our children, and that however a ‘dynamic’ has been set up, it can be changed at any point. It’s all up to us.
Yes Victoria, a book about true parenting would be a great idea. Everyone wants to be a good parent, and to have wisdom like this to to go to and be inspired by (as well as one’s own heart) would be awesome.
Great idea Victoria! How true indeed that re-imprinting can be of any moment, and with honesty, understanding and appreciation we can get out of the way with a lot more ease.
I can relate to this sentence “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” I know that how I parent has been deeply supported by my commitment to developing relationship with myself and being honest.
I could so relate to filling the demands of others at the expense of myself. Until getting to a point of exhaustion did I then realise this pressure I put upon myself had to stop. What a difference taking responsibility back for how I live my life is making. It keeps coming back to making those self loving choices it just opens up a whole new way of ‘living’ and the effect is amazing with all those around us. Such an inspiring blog you have shared with us all Adele – thank you.
Wow Adele, you have shared beyond my imagination! This is a extraordinary piece of writing that takes me beyond the the blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’, providing an invitation to open my eyes ever wider to the patterns in my parenting – thank you.
Learning here with all the billions of mothers and parents on the globe Matilda!
Your very open and honest account of parenting from need and all that entails, and your recognition of this, and then your journey to a true relationship with your son is very inspiring indeed, thank you Adele.
Yes Toni I agree. Respect and responsibility are the grounding levels of love and when we honour this in our parenting we are then able to appreciate the amazing adults they grow into. Taking life on and choosing to deal with all its ups and downs.
You describe the shedding of the layers of wants and needs, ideals and beliefs in how to parent very honestly and without emotion – a true inspiration for others, whether they are a parent or not. It never ceases to amaze me what can happen and does invariably happen when we start taking responsibility and pull the plug on the myriad of dishonesties and lies in our everyday life.
It is deeply amazing to know Doug it is never too late for anyone to re-imprint the relationships with our children or with anyone for that matter. It is our part that we can always take more responsibility in, while respecting the other party their right to also choose.
Wow Adele, that’s an amazing blog full of wisdom, claiming true motherhood. I love how you expose the evil of the emotional need and dependency and how there is not an ounce of love in this way of relating to our children. Every parent should read your blog. It is so harming for the children and absolutely abusive and nobody calls it out – everybody justifies it as the care and love parents have for their children. Thank you Adele for calling it for what it is and claiming true motherhood to be the foundation for every child to be brought up on. Very awesome.
What a gift you are, Adele. You gave yourself back to you and in that completion you offer true love to your son and to the world. Ye-heah!
Ye-heah Felix! what a gift you bring with your words – “You gave yourself back to you and in that completion you offer true love to your son and to the world”.
Thank you Adele, for such an honest and inspiring sharing of the “before and after” parenting of your son. Oh to have had this to read when I became a parent instead of the books that just rattled off do and don’ts and didn’t actually help me to change anything. Like you I was a single parent for many years and know too well pandering to the children to make things, that were in the too hard basket, go away. Looking back I know that I did the best I could during some very testing situations, and I also realise now that so many of the challenges came from the fact that I did not love myself, my relationship with me was almost non-existent; I was way down the list of people to care for. “It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself.”
I have slowly been growing this loving relationship with me, and to begin with, my children, who are now adults, felt all they knew being threatened by this change in me as their childhood foundation was being rocked. After a few emotional exclamations of “where has my mother gone?”, they are now slowly accepting the changes – well most of the time – as they can see that my life is now much less stressful and much more enjoyable.
Adele you are truly an inspirational parent, to all those bringing up a child on their own.
I’ve been considering all you wrote, Adele since I first read this blog. What stands out most of all is how you show when we try to control and avoid confrontation, we lose our connection.
Thank you Adele, your sharing came at a perfect time for me, you have shared so much wisdom.
What really stood out for me was “even when I sometimes react to my son sometimes blaming me for something he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.”
Through what you have shared I feel it is possible for parents and their children to heal old patterns which may have been playing out for years. It takes a loving commitment to be open to healing whenever these opportunities present themselves. The reward is the freedom of knowing that self-love and self-acceptance is a balm that soothes away old hurts and opens the way to truer, more supportive relationships.
Wonderful to read that you have re-developed a loving relationship with your son. What came up for me was the mother – son relationship (or any close relationship for that matter). Many people find vices in activities to not feel their tension with life, however in this case you have clearly highlighted how people use each other as a vice. They can come in many shapes and forms, such as mother, son, employee, boss or teacher student. If the base of a relationship isn’t based on love then what is it based on? This is a question worth answering.
Adele, you have an amazing way of expressing the love that you are and the love you hold for everyone else. Your light, lights the way for us all to return to a one-unified way of being with everyone.
Adele, I have never read a more honest and truthful description of a ‘normal’ mother-son relationship. I have seen many such relationships but I have never seen them described so clearly, let alone by a mother in such a relationship!
‘I love this blog and you shared here some beautiful wisdom- one that stood out of me and let me ponder on: Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love.’ – this is the key to not react…. Thank you for this inspiration.
This is beautiful to read Adele, I have a young son and can relate to a lot of what you have written,’ less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’ I have become aware recently of how I can harden my body when ‘telling off’ my son and my voice changes and it feels horrible, I am learning to stay with my fragility and sensitivity and express from here and it feels lovely, I am becoming aware that there is no need for raising my voice or making my body hard, this simply does not work for my son or me.
Being a parent myself, I can relate to so much that you have shared here Adele. Sometimes love means saying a firm ‘no’ to our children. What you have written does not only relate to parenting, but also to any relationships that we have. This line stood out for me “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” I am continuing to learn how fundamental and vitally important it is to develop that loving relationship with ourselves first.
Beautiful Adele. It’s great how you have pointed out that the interaction between parents and children pave the way for future interactions for that child. Bring a bit more care and responsibility with parenting gets you to see it in a different light… Living the way we think we ‘should be’ is a killer.. the way you have explained the foundation of any true relationship is the way to go.
Beautiful Adele thank you for sharing so honestly your life and the amazing changes with your relationship with your son, your self and everyone through true love and the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine in this.
Responsibility in being a parent truly lovingly is so vital to the world today in its emptiness – this writing is a real gift.
Adele, thank you for your expression of parenting. I can feel I have a lot to learn about parenting so hearing your experience is incredibly valuable. I’m so appreciative I have people like you around me – the support in the reflection you bring is so needed by all of humanity too.
No matter how young or old we are, we can start parenting ourselves and give ourselves the love that we know is possible. There is nothing greater than the warmth of self love and appreciation we can give ourselves that serves not only ourselves, but our children and many other people we meet.
Adele your blog is so honest in how parenting is not easy but is not so hard if we make choices to care for ourselves and identify where our needs still remain in our relationships. I love the way you noted there is no perfection just constant learning.
Toni I agree there are so many ideals and beliefs that can destroy the way we parent.
Adele, you have so beautifully put into words much of what I have experienced with my son. I have always wanted harmony in my family but have learnt to compromise the expression of truth and true love to have the false appearance of harmony. Recently thanks to the support of Universal Medicine practitioners and their willingness to express the truth no matter what, I have had to take a good look at how I was parenting. I realise the biggest responsibility we have is to keep reflecting truth and love, so our kids can choose that for themselves. If we don’t present it who else will they see it from? This is the foundation we have a responsibility to give them. It’s that simple.
What you have expressed here Adele is so clear and inspiring to read. These are the sorts of articles we should be reading in women’s magazines. Parenting from self-responsibility rather than neediness so that we can build true relationships…its certainly a game changer and as you say it starts with ourselves and then can be shared with others.
This blog is filled with truly lived wisdom and therefor an undeniable inspiration for everyone. You expose the games we silently agree to play to stay in a comfortable relation. And not only as parents but with so many other relationships as well.
Adele, this is an absolutely gorgeous, open and honest blog about your relationship with your son. The love between you is palpable and the changes you brought about are enormous. Thank you for sharing this very relatable relationship here with us.
Wow Adele, your blog really does say it all about true parenting.
I love how you show us your journey going from doing anything to appease your son and avoid the emotion explosions, to being true to both yourself and your son and then connecting to a deep, committed and truly loving and equal relationship.
I love the amazing evolution of your relationship with your son, so beautifully described here. Children still know love. It’s up to us adults to remember and honour what love truly is – it’s not ‘soft’ parenting and allowing the children everything, indulging them, but guiding them and reminding them of who they truly are. This means we as adults need to know and claim who we truly are; children are a great reflection. And they do as the parents do, not as they say : ).
Wow, your honesty is so awesome Adele. “Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted.” How many children are parented this way because of a need from the parent? You bring much awareness to the art of parenthood!
Thanks Adele for your inspiring honesty. In my experience, the children who have parents who say no rather than pander to their children’s wants at will, live with more harmony than those who are given everything they think they want or need. They reach a level of knowing they don’t need things set up in a particular way to feel ok. There is much freedom in that alone.
Another beautiful sharing Adele. Wonderful to feel how the development of intimacy with yourself, of expressing truth and taking responsibility has of course rippled out into your relationship with your son. A gorgeous confirmation that when we sacrifice ourselves as Mothers as so many women do that we are cheating not only ourselves but our children from experiencing the fullness of who we are.
Adele this is great. Your insights into what just might be a common trap around the decision to have a child – to fill a void and meet your own needs – are honest and inspiring. Thank you.
This absolutely struck a chord with me – having children as the next attempt to fix myself from the outside. But also the inspiration that even though that was the original impulse, every day with my children provides opportunities for fresh review and growth.
That is so true Matilda, however our relationship began with our children or anyone for that matter, we can re-imprint them with more awareness, and any relationship is a constellation for more growth, how inspiring life is.
Beautifully expressed. Even when the impulse originally came from a need to fill an emptiness, this can be re-imprinted and new growth and awareness brought forth. Showing us that relationships and life are a constant evolution
Adele I could have been reading about myself and my son, the relationship built on need and on pandering but no true love. I consider that one of the greatest blessings I’ve received in this life is the wisdom shared by Serge Benhayon in relation to self-responsibility and honesty for it allowed me to examine in painful detail the reasons I chose to have a child on my own, to fill an emptiness in me and in my life, to bring love to my life. How arrogant and imposing on another – no wonder he used to be so demanding and angry! From the point of honesty I’ve then come to know that another can never bring me anything for everything I need is already within me. As I claim this more and more each day the expansion of the relationship with my son is so beautiful – he gets to be who he is as I live who I am. It’s certainly a different way of parenting and one that is so needed.
Thank-you Adele, for a truly inspiring blog. What a blessing you and your son are to each other. There are so many inspiring lines I could choose, but I choose this one for now ~
“…and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are…”
This is something I constantly work at reminding myself when I begin to go into self-doubt or some other innocuous emotion, and that’s ugly and just limits me from becoming who I truly am.
Your photo feels so full of joy and playfulness, truly lovely!
Adele, I recognize a lot in what you wrote. My son is 20 years old, and in his younger years, I also used him to fill up the voids I felt in my life with myself and my relationships. We went through a difficult time in his puberty and often I felt desperate , because I could not reach him. Now I have more love for myself and that reflects on our relationship, I am letting go of wants and needs for it to be a certain way and can truly honor the beautiful person he is. I do not own him, nor can I make choices for him. Basically, I let go of ‘doing’ a mother, and became ‘being’ a parent.
Thank you Adele for your sharing back to a truly loving relationship with your son – I am sure that there are so many parents that can relate to your story. A great teaching of how returning to your true expression of love has such a magnificent effect in the world, touching everyone. The more that return to this way of parenting, the generations will heal them selves.
I also really love one of the last lines – What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined. – Stunning as this love can only deepen day by day.
Very well said, Simone, the choice to be true to ourselves has an affect on everyone and everything around us, so the world changes each time we commit to love.
Beautiful blog Adele thank you. It is so true, the basis of our relationship with ourselves does form the basis of every relationship in our lives and the ones we build as children will influence our future ones too. How gorgeous for your son to now have the opportunity to build his relationship with himself because one of his main roles models, his mum, has chosen to this for her self too. This is real education in action.
True, gorgeous and very recognizable your sharing. Thanks Adele. Especially:
‘I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.’
This is my experience in being the mother of 2 children too. The foundation of any relationship is the relationship with ourselves. The more loving we are with ourselves and take responsibilty for our choices and our lives the richer and truly loving the relationship with others can be.
Thank You Adele for such a clear and common sensical approach to parenting. Regardless if one is a parent or not the idea of the relationship we have with ourselves is the base of our relationship with others. And how important that is in providing a certain quality when teaching children how to form relationships based on their first interactions with others. What really stuck with me today was that remembering of who we are, a quality of love, underneath what we do or should we react to another is the best starting point. Thank you.
I know this one Adele as I too had my children from a place of need to full-fill the sadness and loneliness I felt and then threw myself into being the best mother I could with little regard for myself. The mess I created by allowing my eldest to rule me, I am now slowly undoing. It’s been challenging at times as I take responsibility for what I’ve chosen, however the joy I feel more and more within along with the amazing connection and confirming heart expansion felt when I look into my children’s eyes melts me, making it all worthwhile. The love and support I’ve been shown and presented by Universal Medicine and then chosen for myself, I deeply appreciate as I am now better positioned to raise these sweet boys in a truer and more loving way. It’s ongoing but always comes back to how I am, how I care and love for myself so I am able to be there for them, support them, guide them on their journey through life so they have the opportunity to grow into men who can do the same for themselves and in turn be there for others.
Adele this is beautiful, there are so many ideals and believes around parenting. True parenting asks from us to let go the how it should be or look and to open up to the love we are and share with our children and everybody else. You are a great example of true parenting.
Thank you Adele I am blown away by the honesty with which you have shared your parenting journey and how your realisation that you had ‘never lived a truly loving relationship with myself’ impacted all your relationships and the way you parented. Having been a single parent for most of my daughter’s life I can feel how much of my behaviour and parenting was based on my needs rather than taking responsibility for looking after myself first and then parenting from there.
Brilliant piece Adele. Parenting is hugely important since it brings forth our next generation and how we raise them sets not only a way of being for them as individuals but also as part of the wider humanity and eventually as parents themselves. So for you to rediscover honesty and true parenting to share with your son, and all of us, is immense.
Adele, thank you for sharing your parenting story. I myself have experienced how easy it is to hide behind my child when I make my life all about them. It is very freeing, if not uncomfortable and exposing at times, when you begin to parent by simply being yourself. Recently I had to talk to my daughter and we came up with some consequences for some particular choices being made and although they were very firm, they were offering her nothing less than love and she felt that. A confirmation of the fact that she is looking for guidance and support and the more I deliver on this front the more supported she feels.
So true Sally, although not a parent myself I too have hidden behind other people in order to not deal with my own issues. I love how you spoke with your daughter and explored the consequences. This is true guidance, the ability to not react but to clearly explore what the future will look like if we choose a, b or c. It teaches us so much, a way to feel forward, to include other people and to see how one choice based on our own needs plays out in everyone’s lives. We can only do this for another if we are choosing to live this for ourselves and so it reinforces the message in Adele’s article that everything hinges on the relationship we build with and for ourselves.
What a beautiful liberation for you both. So many of us have been caught in a relationship founded on need and expectation, that really is only emotionally self-serving and absent of the true joy of connection, as I also have done. Your commitment to true love and your choice to return to a true relationship with yourself and your love based on truth, honesty, understanding and appreciation is such a powerful reflection to your son (and everyone) on how a true relationship feels as you have beautifully expressed – ‘The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.’- truly inspiring. Thank you Adele.
Your blog gives such a clear picture of your life and relationship with your son before and after taking the responsibility for developing a relationship with yourself first, Adele. Before feels like you were trying to be in control and never were, whereas after gives me this feeling of an ever expanding and deepening love between you and the freedom to express the truth.The joy in both your faces in the photo is a delight to see.
This is a great sharing Adele. What you say is very familiar and I reflected on the trials and tribulations I had when my son was younger and I was parenting from the neediness you touch on here. So easy to say yes to what we know is not true when we want to get on with work or want to avoid the explosive reactions from a child that has been told no. So lovely to feel and understand that there is another way and that it is perfectly possible to live it. Thank you for offering inspiration.
Adele I was deeply touched reading this. It is rare to read a parent write with such honesty and integrity. The other thing that struck me was how much what you wrote applies to all relationships – I guess the constant is that it always starts with the relationship we have with ourselves and the rest is a reflection.
When I see and accept that all relationships are reflections, I am open to the opportunities on offer – taking responsibility for my part in everything and therefore being inspired and willing to learn and grow. Thank you, Nicola.
Wow Nicola, what a profound way of being in relationships, simply building that connection with ourselves that will then naturally transpire to our relationships with others
What you have expressed here is so true, Adele. In some ways it is easier to pander to our children but we pay the price of not having a relationship based on truth and honesty .
” when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this”. These are such wise words and are so very pertinent for me at the moment. Thank you.
Adele as a mother of 7, I can completely relate to having relationships with children based on need. I am so grateful that I have embraced greater responsibility for myself in the last few years which has naturally flowed onto a more responsible and equal relationship with my children.
Thank Adele for you openness and honesty. This is such a powerful acknowledgment of how we can believe we are being loving but in fact in truth not and how True Love is based must come from Truth. I know from my own experience of parenting I was coming from need and now learning it is never too late to change.
Thank you Adele – it was so lovely to read your blog. It brought to mind my own need to build a close relationship with my children to protect me from the world, and rather than doing this it only separated me from the world. It has been amazing how my view of the relationship has changed over the years as I establish a more mature and balanced way of living life and this has allowed me to be more understanding and loving. I can now love them as they are as I stand back and watch them unfold along their own chosen path.
Adele,
I can see from just looking at the photograph in this blog – the immense amount of love there is between you and your son – and the absolute joy with which you now live.
I also see this same amount of love shared with everyone you meet and how you hold yourself and others.
That is a long way from a sad and overwhelmed woman you once thought you were.
Your gentleness and feminine quality that I see in you today and that comes across in your writing, your relationships, and the way you live – is an absolute inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing so honestly your journey.
“When true love is our commitment…then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined” – Beautiful Adele. I think a lot of people would look at a relationship like you had with your son a few years ago, and see it as successful; you managed to maintain a job, work hard, while he was quite happy on his own playing ‘video games’, watching TV and so forth. But what you’ve shared is that as a parent you hold a greater responsibility than that – it’s up to you to be absolute love with him, and listen to what he has to say, also to not let him distract himself from the amazing young man he is growing up to become. In a way when you start treating him more as an equal than a ‘little boy’ then the relationship becomes one where your expression, and your sons can support each other.
I can really relate to what you have said here Adele as recently, nearly 7 years into parenthood, it has been dawning on me also just how much responsibility we do have as parents to reflect true love to our children and this starts with the simple fact that they can see and feel every day the level of self love I hold myself in. There is no hiding.
I so love this article Adele. Especially the part about how when you reflect true love, your son is able to choose that for himself as well.
Thank you, Adele. I can relate to much of what’s been shared in terms of needing the relationship with my children to be a certain way simply to fulfil me. I too am learning that my relationship with and how I care for myself is what affects the quality of relationship I have with my children as well as anyone else.
I always wanted to be the best friend to my kids and not the mother. I have noticed that this was a need from me to be seen from my kids as the cool friend. The friends of my kids did love to come to our place and being at home with us. Now I know that I had expected something back to be seen as someone special, but this was a lie.
Thank you Adele. This is a wonderful testimony to the power of how loving yourself can change our closest relationships by allowing us to open up to the truth in them and see whether we are harbouring any hidden needs. By doing this we make the space for true connection to take place and a true relationship to grow.
Adele thank you for setting the record straight on what true parenting is about. I am sure your earlier experiences were shared by many people. Your points about the anguish you felt when not expressing you resonate and made me reflect that perhaps much of the frustration and angst in life comes from holding back what we feel to express but do not.
You have hit the nail on the head here, Adele. Committing to our relationship with ourselves and addressing any unloving patterns or beliefs there, frees us up to just be ourselves and enjoy our relationships with others. Being a parent provides so many opportunities to let go of all that stuff and simply be with them.
A powerful subject Adele – thank you for sharing this with us. I was particularly struck when you were writing “Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love”. There have been many instances when I have reacted first to a situation with my kids which just leads to either defending my corner, or attacking theirs. However, its understanding that is the key to being able to hear what is truly going on and keeps me open to my kids, and in all my relationships.
I’m sure many parents can relate to what you have shared Adele, but perhaps aren’t so willing to admit. It is tough to realise that the people you ‘love’ the most, you haven’t been truly loving, because you have lacked love for yourself to begin with.
Your article shows us all that it is possible to live differently and bring that richness of real love into all of our relationships.
Very true Kylie, and as what is between a parent and a child is a relationship, it can be tough to admit that we have fallen for needs and not love–from both sides. So it is how consistent we are with loving ourselves and therefore how consistently we are with truly loving our children. And whether we keep expressing and connecting about all of this–which is all about communication in equality.
Hi Adele great blog but I’d love to know how your son handled the transitional period between being pandered to and being parented in a more true way. Did you do it gradually or just rip the plaster off?
Great call Kevin, I’d love to read about this too!
Hi Kevin, the transitional period from my son reflected for me 2 things–whether what was re-introduced was truly loving and whether I was consistent in being truly loving.
I tried so many different ways, but ultimately it had to come back to a lot of understanding and reading of my son and the situation every time, and that would not have been possible had I not first allowed immense acceptance and understanding towards myself.
Adele this is beautiful – the key always comes back to a deep appreciation, understanding and acceptance of ourselves first and foremost. What a beautiful transition time for your son to also understand and accept himself too.
“understanding and reading of my son and the situation every time, and that would not have been possible had I not first allowed immense acceptance and understanding towards myself”.
This is a great question Kevin. I am curious to know as well.
Elizabeth, Debra, Candida, Kevin–that would be an upcoming blog, stay tuned!
So true, when we start being honest, then true to ourselves, and start making loving choices, the truth of what we have previously accepted as the way things are, including ‘loving’ relationships, gets exposed, and offers us a choice to re-imprint with true love.
“How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives”. For me this is the essence Adele. When we are truly responsible parents, we are laying the foundation for our children to be the same.
Thank you Adele Leung, for presenting your story on parenting. It tells me that how we relate to ourselves is also reflected in the way we parent our children. I can relate to the fact of taking on the responsibility of being a parent does also requires me to reflect on the responsibility I have for my own life. Do I choose to have a true relationship with myself first or do I choose to have a relationship with how I should be as dictated from the society? I too used to have a life based on the given ideals and beliefs, reacting to life instead of letting my inner beauty be my guide and this way of living was also reflected in the way I parented my children. It is so freeing both for how I am with myself and in my relationship with my children that I have taken the responsibility for my own life and for all the relationships thereafter.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be” – if we do not live who we are but try to stage up a life we would like to have, we will never live in the moment and therefore never be fully where we should be. By choosing to look at ourselves first, we will learn that everything we meet in life is there for us to learn and grow – and that it is only ourselves who can change our lives and by that change the world.
I love how you show us Adele that in bringing true understanding to yourself, you bring this to your son and actually to everyone else. What you say relates so strongly to each and everyone of us as we parent ourselves as sons of God.
This is a great blog Adele, very well written. I love how you are exposing the needs that you had when you had your son – that you were lonely and hoped he could fill the emptiness. It definitely plays out then, with peoples parenting by letting them get their way and have what they want, to not supposedly loose them. It’s crazy what some Mothers will do for their children at the expense of their self. I love that you are claiming your responsibility and raising your son in a more true and honouring way. If it’s truly honouring for you then it’s honouring for them.
Thanks for your awesome blog Adele. I have been playing around with different ways of parenting as I realised that following what society had shown me, was not really working for me or my daughter.
I have come to realise that my old laissez-faire approach was totally irresponsible and it was based on my need for my daughter to like and love me and think I was a “cool” parent.
These days I am a lot firmer but still need to work on that, not in a hard way, but just as a way of showing what the boundaries are from a place of love and respect for everyone around us. It is no longer just about me and her.
Brilliant Rosie. You have encapsulated something for me: firm does not have to be hard – that firm, consistent and clear is love – thank you.
I agree Rosie. I too have learned that love is sometimes firm and always consistent, and that boundaries are truly loving and supportive of children so they may learn for themselves what love truly is.
Already trying to be a good mum is something that does not feel true to me, many mums are giving themselves away to their families. Only when a women stays true to herself she is able to be a real reflection to her kids.
Adele, the amazing turn around in your relationship with you, your son and others offer true inspiration to the many trapped in false ideals of love. Your story is so beautifully captured by the two powerful quotes: “The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship” And “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’ “.
Adele, as the mother of a 13 yr old this topic is one that I ponder on a lot. Our own needs get in the way of all of our relationships but because children can be influenced so easily then our needs can play havoc with our children. I have consciously let go of my need to feel loved by my son and am attempting to love him regardless of whether or not he expresses love back. I am currently working on my need for him to do certain things (drink water, apply sunscreen) as this simply feels like nagging and at the age of 13 he should be free to feel the consequences of his own choices. I have been exploring why I feel the need to control what he and others do and I recognize that it is to lessen my possible discomfort if things don’t go my way.
Another open and honest article Adele. There is a great responsibility in being a parent and it is easy to accept what we think we should do to be a good parent. I totally agree with what you have written, “the foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we should be”. There is a consistency in this way of being, that we then reflect to our children.
Thank you Adele, for sharing with us all the power of taking responsibility for parenting and showing what true love in a parenting role is- not pandering , not neediness.
Instead in its simplicity it starts with: -“I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.”
Its so true that the way we parent is very exposing of how our relationship with ourselves is. Over the years I have developed a more loving relationship with myself which reflects on how I am not only with my children but all others as well. It’s also constantly showing me what I need to work on. What a blessing to have this constant reflection, all I need to do is be open to what it is showing me and continue to learn and grow from there.
I agree that it is a blessing to have this constant reflection and the opportunity to learn and grow.
Thank you Adele. It takes courage to look at our past behaviours and beliefs and then take action to make those changes. Even though I am not a parent, I feel what you are saying crosses over into all relationships. I feel very inspired by your loving and consistent way that you have developed with your son. The photo says it all.
I love this blog, Adele. I went through a period in my life where I put my children’s needs way above my own. I thought I was being a ‘good mother’, but this exhausted me and therefore wasn’t beneficial for anyone. Universal medicine has also supported me to understand that you can’t truly love another until you love yourself. My building of a foundation of self-love and self-care supports our whole family and gives the children a reflection that they may also choose self-love.
What an extraordinary and inspiring transformation you have gone through Adele!
I love the detail you have gone into about how you used to be with your son as it so graphically reveals how our relationships with others reflect exactly what state we ourselves are in – do we truly love ourselves or not, or are we using others to fulfil a need or cover a hurt. Through our true love – that still and beholding love – we can truly allow our children to grow and bloom naturally, and not distort them into something that is not them.
Thank you Adele!
This is beautifully said Lyndy, if we allow our kids to grow up naturally and letting them be who they are, it is allowing a loving relationship in the family. This experience is what they can take to their next relationship in their life. What a great start for kids to know parenting with love as a marker for truth.
A great blog, Adele, showing such an enormous change in the way that you now approach parenting. I particularly like the sentence “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” Yes, I agree with you. When we really begin to understand and love ourselves, then we just know how to understand and love our children. From that, we know exactly how to be with them and how to handle their behaviours. A wonderful learning for you in your relationship with your son. I would certainly have benefitted from this knowledge when I was bringing up my two sons many years ago. But to the best of my ability, I now use this knowledge in my interactions with them as very mature men.
I am not a parent but relate to everything you have shared in all relationships in my life, especially ones with men.
Great point Laura the old keeping the peace in order to not be alone. Doesn’t end with anyone feeling that great yet we seem driven to avoid being alone at all costs. I have found the more I express the more I am free to share how I really feel with my partner and other relationships and also with myself.
So true Vanessa. I had this just yesterday and had the opportunity to squish myself and not ‘go there’ with a situation in my family home and I felt the pull of wanting a ‘nice life’ and the possibility of loneliness if I did go there, but I went there anyway. My body thanked me and it created space for all of us. Always our choice.
“The heart simply knows that true love is not from need,” hear hear I agree, and have to say I am deeply grateful to the presentations of Universal Medicine and Serge Benahyon which have supported me to come to this realisation, within my own body and begin to break free from these chains.
Gyl I am in agreement with you here! To break free of the fact that I equated love with need and didn’t differentiate between the two; has been the key to turning the relationship with myself and all others around.
I agree here too Rachel and Gyl. I love knowing what true love is.
Even though I am not a parent i feel I can relate to this blog, be it the relationship I have with the kids in class, people at work, my family, myself or even partners or friends. It all relates , as I have also come to realise and take responsibility in the fact we are in constantly in relationship with everybody – how awesome is that , so joyful and an amazing opportunity.
‘Constantly in relationship with everybody’ – I love the responsibility this comment presents – I cannot categorise my relationships with greater or lesser value – every interaction is a relationship and a point of reflection for the quality of my relationship with myself. Thank you, Gyl.
Adele there is always such clarity in your writing and is so relatable. If we build relationships from a need then there will be a point when the needyness gets exposed. This line is so true and a great reminder, ” The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.”
Thank you Adele, for such a practical description between emotionally based love which is dependent on our needs being met and building a relationship based on true love. I especially love how you make the distinction between coming back to a commitment to true love and understanding that we are not our patterns of behaviour even though we must take responsibility for the consequences of them.
Wow Adele, your decision to take responsibility for the way you felt about life and be honest, has led you to know LOVE. What a gift to you and your son and the 7 million others that you share your life with. This is golden!
‘There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’
This sentence captures it all. Living this way sounds like the ultimate way to be. Very inspriring Adele!
I remember saying to a Mum when my daughter was about 1 that I had found it very difficult being a parent as it was a constant reminder of how little I loved my self as I could only love her as much as I loved myself and at that time that was not very much. It is now very different as I have been developing my relationship with myself and being caring and tender with myself so to I can be much more tender with her, people have noticed that our relationship is different more relaxed and loving, caring. There is much more to deepen and I am forever inspired like you Adele by the Benhayon family and Universal Medicine.
Vanessa well expressed point of how so many of us have expressed being a parent is difficult because of how little love we have for ourselves. I feel this can be related to most things that we feel difficult in life. Self-love is where it all begins, forever grateful that Universal Medicine has allowed me to understand that.
Beautiful Adele, thank you for sharing this. I can relate to what you are expressing here. I have had similar situations that you described in the beginning with my own children lately and really need to keep a check on myself to still hold what is true whilst delivering it in a loving and accepting way. For me I feel acceptance to be key for me at the moment. Acceptance of where my children are at. I can feel one of my children is not living true to herself and I feel pain from that and feel the want to ‘fix’ that for her. When I stand back and just allow and accept, it removes any expectation for her be any way and allows her the space to feel this for herself. I am also aware of the reflection that this shows for me in the areas of my life that I am not truly living me. Thank you Adele
Great point Heidi, I’ve been feeling how when I’m being controlling with my boys and getting overly upset by something they are choosing… it’s so in my face that what I have been choosing is upsetting to see and feel in my reflection.
Is it possible that this is what is experienced the world over by parents, seeing our children choose something that we ourselves choose and it being reflected as unloving actions… resulting in a lot of tension!
Yes Rachel and it is with the awareness of how children can be very clear reflections of ourselves and the openness to learn and grow together with them that imbues all family units with the one of the greatest blessings in constellation.
So true Heidi. I too have caught myself wanting to fix things for my sons rather than allowing them the space to feel the effect of their choices and grow from that. I now realise in these moments I have made it about me and my need to control the situation and am learning to let this go.
Hong Kong is blessed to have you Adele. And so is your son.
As a woman with no children I could related to every aspect of your article. The man I made responsible for eliminating my loneliness was my father. A different dynamic to a son, for sure, but a similar outcome – grief, hardening in the body, and no true harmony between us. I was so needy with him, so ready to be hurt if he did not act as i thought he should. Gosh those ideals we create come back to hurt us.
Our relationship has changed so completely now. We meet as who we are. Express ourselves to the fullest we can. I have discovered the depth of his love for me, and it has blown me away. I could not see it when I had created a vision of how it was supposed to be…I was looking for glitter and ignoring the gold. No longer.
This lesson is one I have taken deeply to heart and have felt its confirmation in your beautiful blog Adele.
Beautiful comment Rachel and I too have looked for ‘glitter and ignored the gold’. So many of my relationships have been dependant on another person delivering the gold and never appreciated that I held that gold within me. Adele’s choice to truly face up to her neediness is very inspiring and as you say, her example can be applied to all the relationships we have.
‘…so ready to be hurt if he did not act as I thought he should’ ~ Rachel these are awesome words. How many times have we held expectations of another only to have them dashed? I know I have, and then struggled with the bitter disappointment and hurt I thought was only natural.
I’ve seen you and your Dad together and I can see how lovely you both are and how at ease with each other you are. Congratulations on the letting go of your expectations, and the deepening you’ve undertaken with him. It’s gorgeous to see and most inspiring.
Rachel I can relate to your experiences with your father as well, and how you both relate now is incredibly inspiring. When we drop our expectations and ideals in how people should be, we can all be freer to be ourselves, when we begin to meet our true selves, the need for that to be fulfilled by others, lessen.
The constellation of being in Hong Kong as well as with my son, is a great teaching for me on this, one which I deeply appreciate and have come to accept when seeing the truth of it.
I absolutely loved reading your blog. I also relate to it as a single mum of an amazing five year old. Is a great reminder of the essential part of building a true relationship with ourselves in an understanding, accepting and loving way. Thank you for your sharing. Cristina
I can very much relate to this Adele. The responsibility of parenting is far more than most realise. So often as parents we can unconsciously dump our undealt with issues onto our children, expecting them to live up to our ideals in order to avoid the pain from past relationships or experiences. This is really unfair and enormously imposing…and such a blessing for both/all when it can be honestly and gently exposed to move forward in a different way with each other. Great blog Adele and great topic! Thank you.
Adele what a great blog. Parenting is indeed a responsibility as you say and I have learnt like you that the responsibility is in fact to myself first and living me in full and from there holding the same for all including my daughter. I used to live an ideal of parenting which was more pandering and indulging and was in fact not at all loving or supportive for my daughter. Through the support and wisdom of Serge Benhayon and the Benhayon family and all that they have shared of true parenting, I now know that love and understanding are the key to raising a loving and responsible child who will one day be that same adult.
There are so many things in this blog that I just loved reading Adele. The fact that we all know what true love is resonated deep with me. I indeed do know what true love is, so empowering to feel. I also loved how you reflected on the fact that there not only needs to be true love in relationships with others but also, and first, in the the relationship with myself. I can really feel how to bring love in my relationship with myself has changed my life completely from being always negative about myself to being more understanding, tender and playful. Awesome blog!
This is very honest and open Adele, opening up a conversation for people that most dare not even consider. I am in the position of looking towards becoming a father and your willingness to share your experience and what you have learned is a great support and very appreciated.
Thankyou!
I love this blog Adele. The opening comments on your relationship being based on need in the beginning is/was true for me also as I’m sure it is for many parents. I can feel now the huge imposition I placed on my child by being so needy of him. We are still working our way out of this construct but as I build a more loving foundation for my relationship with myself, our relationship changes without any trying. It’s as though when we commit to ourselves, our relationships with others naturally correct themselves (imperfectly).
Thank you Adele. I agree parenting always comes back to ourselves, how loving and ‘taking ourselves by the hand’ we are with ourselves.
Esther, so true that every time we are holding our children, we are also holding ourselves. More understanding, more appreciation, more acceptance every time. This image you offered with “taking ourselves by the hand” is beautiful–the next image that comes to me is one that we then extend this hand to hold another, all others.
Beautiful Esther. ‘Taking ourselves by our hand’ is how we parent ourselves and on some days caring for ourselves as a loving parent would is most loving thing we can do for ourselves.
Wow Adele! I can feel how much you now hold your son with love and yourself, its beautiful.
Perfect timing reading this today, as I can clearly see how I took something personal with my children this morning. Once I do this, I am no longer holding them with understanding or love because I’m making it all about me and then reaction comes in. I’ve also noticed when I’m not being truly loving in my relationship with myself that there is a tension in my relationships. Thank you Adele
Well said Aimee, good reminder for me too; when I react and take things personally then I make it about me, rather than bringing understanding. Yes, and not being loving with myself brings a huge tension that’s awful to live with. Thank God we can always come back and choose to love ourselves anytime.
Well said, Aimee. I also reacted and took something one of my daughters said personally recently, and have witnessed the fall out from that. By making the situation about me, me, me I was no longer able to love her and listen to what she was feeling. Making life about self creates such a setback in relationships.
So true Aimee, the world is but one great big mirror, and should we choose to look honestly into the mirror it can teach us so much about ourselves.
Thank you Aimee and Esther, I am learning too that the tensions felt within are precious to be aware of, and instead of reacting to them, that I can simply go back to expressing fuller, deeper and more honestly. I love how we can re-imprint everything immediately when we are truly honest.
Such a powerful truth you share here Aimee – ‘when I’m not being truly loving in my relationship with myself that there is a tension in my relationships’. Herewith exists a never-ending invitation to deepen our relationship with ourselves. The potential pay-offs are enormous. Beautiful.
Beautifully expressed Aimee, how all our relationship with others start with ourselves. Every tension we see played out in relationships with another is from a tension we already have allowed in ourselves. If tension felt is not dealt with immediately it goes on to affect all aspects in our lives. But we can always come back to the relationship we have with ourselves and be honest.
Dear Adele, what a fascinating, insightful and incredibly honest sharing of parenthood.And when I think about what you shared, I can see that how you were as a parent is being played out – in many different scenarios – all over the world by millions if not billions of people in all different types of relationships. What we have unfulfilled or unresolved in us, we look to fulfil in/seek resolution with others and what your incredible blog does is show how harming and imposing that is on others. This is a ground breaking article exposing the dynamics that can go on in a relationship. Thank you Adele for sharing your experience. With love, Sarah
Spot on Sarah…you have captured so much in a sentence: ‘What we have unfulfilled or unresolved in us, we look to fulfil in/seek resolution with others and what your incredible blog does is show how harming and imposing that is on others.’
And what is so beautiful about Adele’s story is once she saw this she took responsibility and made the changes. Groundbreaking and simple.
It is accepted by many that this seeking to fulfil in others what we feel we lack or have not resolved is normal, definitely in our culture, within families such a relationship between children and parents is accepted as “how it is” and “love”. But having lived to that belief, the truth is, it is so far from what love truly feels to be, and we all know it, so let’s just be honest – for we all know the truth. Thank you Sarah and Marika.
A lot of parenting that I observe seems to come from need, this inevitably will affect the relationship formed and influence how the child behaves. More than it used to be the case parents are very protective of their children to the point where they see no bad behaviour. It is great Adele that you reasserted your relationship with your son onto solid ground, for in doing this you raise your son in the world to become a responsible and caring adult.
Thank you Adele. Whilst I am not a parent, I don’t think you have to be to relate to this blog. These patterns of behaviour can occur in any relationship – friendship, intimate partners, child to parent, BUT you bring it back to one common denominator – US. Our relationship with ourselves is what we bring to every interaction and therefore if we are not deeply loving ourselves, we are not bringing Love – full stop. The beautiful thing is that we can choose in any moment no matter how old we are to change, as you are doing Adele.
How true Shevon. Parenting for me was a huge wake up call and a stark reflection of what self-love truly means.
What a powerful blog, you bring back parenting and relationships to their truest form: based on true love and not on needs. Thank you for being so honest about why you initially wanted a child, I deeply appreciate your openness.
The reflection of how you used your son to be loved, and in that allowing, did actually mean you not taking responsibility to be in a truly loving relationship with your son. I feel it is so important to be in a parent|son relationship as equals, it causes an understanding of both the hurts we carry and an ability to have a healing relationship.
Thank you for sharing with such honesty Adele. A learning for me as a parent was to observe and not absorb difficult situations my sons found themselves in, and not to jump in and rescue them all the time.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” Very true.
Peter I agree with you that it is not the role of parents to rescue our children from situations they put themselves in. I was reminded of this yesterday by my eldest daughter who reminded me that her younger sibling is old enough to care for herself. And yet the “mothering instinct” kicks in every now and then, the old belief that I am responsible for my children. Learning to respect and be responsible for myself is the first step to letting my children live their life.
I agree Peter. That was one of my biggest learnings also and one I have to keep working with so that my daughter has the freedom to learn in truth from her choices and grow up to be a self-responsible and loving adult.
This is HUGE Adele. And a true gift for each of you to share. Having a true foundation in a relationship is one of the greatest things that can support us through our lives.
Agreed Joshua, and having a true foundation with ourselves first allows all our relationships to be built on a solid foundation too. What we are reflects outwards to everyone.
How true Joshua. Coming back to the relationship with ourselves sets the foundation with all our relationships in life, it sets us up for life doesn’t it, as life is all about relationships.
Great blog. I loved this line: “There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt” – how awesome is parenting when it is experienced in this way.
Adele what a profound change in your relationship with your son from one of fulfilling your need to truly offering him the loving support and guidance he needs. Our relationship with ourselves is the key to all other relationships as you wisely have stated – this I have found to be true.
Parenting can be tough… It is much easier to be the good guy than the nice one, I worked in vacation for a while, after a super heroes day, the kids decided I was to be Captain No…
I really related to your experience as a single mother Adele and the way we can put a burden on our children to compensate for the sadness that we feel. You have shown how important it is to first begin to love and respect oneself, which then transforms all our other relationships and the way we see the world.
Adele thank you for your insights, this ought to be part of a 101 Parenting course!
To learn what love is, rather than the ideal of love most of us try to live by, and that a true relationship starts with the one we have with ourselves before it can be true with anyone else, even a child, is revolationary in my book. It makes perfect sense and has been equally as transformative of the relationship with my son and others too.
Great idea Jenny!
So true Michelle, it is revolutionary to discover that it is the quality of connection we hold ourselves and therefore others in, that determines every relationship. And how truly present we have to be with ourselves in this way, especially in relationships we find more confronting and challenging. That said, it all comes back to the relationship with us–whether we can be consistent and steady with ourselves.
So well described Adele. Parenting ourselves first is a must before we can truly parent another. This has also been my experience with parenting the two gorgeous girls I have in my life. I have found that the way in which I parent myself is also the way I parent the girls, so anytime I feel I am being hard or distant with them I know this is what I am also doing with myself. If I am being playful and light with the girls then I know this is how I am being with myself, and so on and so on… It really is such a simple equation that brings with it the opportunity for deep healing. Thank you Adele for starting the conversation about such a vital topic in our world today.
Well said Robyn, what a beautiful healing parenting can be – if we allow ourselves to see what the children are reflecting back to us constantly. If we see and feel how they are, it means that there is a message there for us, maybe something to look at and become aware of within ourselves.
Very well expressed Robyn. How blessed as parents we are to have a constant reflection of how we are ourselves, from our children.
So true Robin and Adele – In truth we are role-models and with that parents all the time for all. And so: What I wish the world (or my kids) to be – I have to live it, to express it and to connect like that.
Very true Sandra, it always comes back to us, how we can live deeper with ourselves.
There is so much in this blog Adele, it was a joy to read. “How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.” – this is the truth of parenting, to develop and guide children to become responsible, loving and caring adults.
Dear Adele, I love the honesty you bring to this blog. It is very inspiring to have someone reflect on how they are as a parent and how this has become a true expression and true relationship through the development of self love. I too have found that I can’t truly love another unless I first love myself.
Adele, I feel many people will relate to what you have so honestly and beautifully expressed here about parenting.
Adele you write with such honesty and clarity. Although not a parent, I can totally relate to this with how I was with relationships before attending presentations by Universal Medicine, which continue to inspire me to live with more responsibility in my life and from my heart –
“The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known.”
Thank you Adele!
Great point Stephanie Stevenson. Not only is this true of what I bring to parenting my daughter but to all my relationships.
I love the point you make Adele in that how truly open and honest and loving the relationship is between parents and child will directly affect the relationships that the child will have as an adult. This leads us to take full responsibility in our parenting to come from true love in our relating rather than from a want or need from the child.
This is beautiful, Adele. What a great gift your true love is for you and your son. A young man who now has a way to grow clear and strong in love, equality and understanding. Along with his mother!
Thank you Dianne. Such a beautiful gift both ways, truly.
This is such a powerful shift in perspective, I am so glad I have read this and can feel the shift you have made in parenting. I notice you describe your sadness with the way things were…… I do enjoy seeing in my own life how we make adjustments in our approach to life and how, this impacts our children for the better in how you have changed your parenting style Adele.
Adele, a truly inspiring deeply confirming article. How so very true are your words ‘The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.’ Therefore the most revealing thing about what you have written, is that the most important thing for us to have loving, balanced, honoring relationships is for us to love ourselves first and foremost. To speak up and voice what we feel is true, it is certainly very revealing that this is not the norm in most relationships, holding back so as to fulfill a need we or the other person may have creates so much unnecessary tension, both in our bodies and in our relationships. The simple fact that you now have a loving relationship with your son (and I am guessing, many others in your life) is all the proof needed.
How a relationship can become one of convenience where we think our needs are being met when in truth there is so much more. Thank you Adele for a beautiful sharing with much for us to ponder on.
Parenting sure shows up some of the pictures we hold of how things should look and shines a light on some less than loving behaviours. So many of us struggle to equate steady consistent boundaries with love, let alone with freedom. Revelationary that discipline is more freeing and less imposing than a needful overwhelmed lack of follow through under the all too common guise of ‘free and easy’, which for the kids is more like ‘free fall’. Great topic for discussion.
The term ‘free fall’ so sums up the ‘free and easy’ approach to parenting or any relationship for that matter. It is quite absurd to think that we can back off the steady consistent boundaries with love, thinking it is too hard or whatever other excuse we come up with, only to find that this is the point where is gets hard and complicated.
I love what you say Kate about the common guise of ‘free and easy’ actually being ‘free fall’ for the kids. Our children need loving boundaries and an education based on awareness and an encouragement of their natural clairsentience.
Spot on Lyndy, and it is clearly seen when kids are not given these loving boundaries how deeply unhappy they become and then their true essence is quickly obscured by all kinds of behaviours very far from who they really are.
Very true Kate. And many parents when taking the responsibility to re-introduce true parenting may find themselves in a deeply confronting correction period with their children, and ultimately it is the consistency in standing firm without compromise in expressing truth and love, that becomes our true support.
So many of us mistakenly believe that love means no boundaries! When the truth of what love is when lived from the heart rather than through a set of ideals and beliefs is so far from that.
Free fall, no thank you as it leaves any relationship feeling unsafe and insecure. Give me loving discipline where I know and can feel how deeply loved I am.
So true Adele, “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” When we try to live by ideals and beliefs of how we think we ‘should be’ we are not being ourselves. Learning to trust myself in feeling what was true in my relationship with our children was the key to parenting. Parent and child is no different to other relationships where we learn from each other but a parent has a responsibility to teach a child to become responsible for themselves.
So true Mary and Richard. Living by ideals is very exhausting…and thank goodness most children do not allow us to treat them that way. What a blessing indeed to have the opportunity to learn this through parenting.
Dear Mary, this is very true: “Parent and child is no different to other relationships where we learn from each other but a parent has a responsibility to teach a child to become responsible for themselves.”
This rises some questions to ponder on:
1. How much responsible am I for myself? This is then what I can offer to my child, so therefore it is a constant evolving on both sides.
2. How much I am dependent on that my child loves me? As many relationships also those of a parent and a child can be harmonious but also challenging. But if I am honest as a parent and clear – I can handle rage and agony and as Adele said where it comes from.
3. Do I think that because I gave birth to my child I have the ultimate right to be respected and loved by my child? No, because this relationship as any other needs to be nurtured and unfolds accordingly.
4. Do I have a responsibility as a parent? Yes, I have. But not as I used to think an maybe many others – I am not responsible to make my child happy – I am responsible to live and reflect to them to the best of my ability what relationships are about which is love. That responsibility starts with myself. That every action has an effect on me but also on everyone else. That every choice I make either connects me deeper to myself or does the opposite. That this choice is felt very well in my body. That I am not perfect. That I love my child for who they are and not for what they do or not. And this is the very foundation my child can count on, where ever it might go. I will reflect where it comes from. The love it is.
So well said Sonja, it touches me very deeply when you say, you are not responsible to make your child happy (how liberating because this is a place many parents are trapped in) and that your responsibility is to reflect what true relationships are about which is love (the true kind). Yes, absolutely and if more parents could do this (and in time they will) we would have such a different world.
I have also found that parenting is really one of the best homework to let go of beliefs and ideals.
And how much we have to appreciate our children for not letting us relate to them that way, not a chance!
And when we as parents become inspired by the instant reflection and expression (in a myriad of ways) from our children and we are willing to be honest to ourselves, we are growing together all the time.
Thank you Adele, this is powerful, open and honest account of how you use to parent to truly taking responsibility for parenting. In particular I love the simplicity of what you have shared here – “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.”
Definately Marcia, everything hinges on how we live with ourselves and the amount of self care, nurturing and love that we parent ourselves with. In some ways we can still have a child-parent relationship as adults. Do we self criticize or self love? If we never really received this style of parenting as a child, we can at very least parent ourselves as adults in a way that creates a loving foundation that we build on every day.
Love this Matthew. ‘Everything hinges on how we live with ourselves and the amount of self care, nurturing and love that we parent ourselves with’ Thank you.
This is really lovely Matthew, ‘In some ways we can still have a child-parent relationship as adults. Do we self criticize or self love? If we never really received this style of parenting as a child, we can at very least parent ourselves as adults in a way that creates a loving foundation that we build on every day.’ This is a great way to be with ourselves, I notice how I take such care of my son, making sure he is warm, fed well, has water, suncream on, isn’t too tired, overstimulated etc.. and that I do not always bring this same level of care to myself, so it makes sense to have this adult-child relationship with myself and really nurture and care for myself in the way I do for my son.
Self parenting – I’m in!
Yeah – Matthew I love what you say – to parent ourselves as adults to create a loving foundation . . . that is a huge!!!!
I love what you share here Matthew, so true, and great to be reminded of.
How self judgement can sneakily creep in if we are not observing and aware, and then to just clock it and return to a more loving way of being.
It is truly beautiful Marcia, as the honesty and depth of love deepens with ourselves, it changes all our relationships with others, just by being ourselves.
When my son and others surprise me with beautiful confirmations just because of what they have felt from within themselves, the love they respond with is who they are too. And I haven’t done anything so to speak!
I resonate with this Marcia. If we actually bring parenting into the moment, it is about how we hold and nurture and care for ourselves, every moment. If I reflect on how I hold and care for a baby, to bring true love to every learning experience, do I do this with myself? Bring my tenderness to how I hold myself?
I agree – I have found if I loose connection with myself, my own body – then I am not an effective parent at all.
That’s some awesome sharing Adele.
Honesty and Self responsibility are definitely key. It is very humbling when we can turn around patterns of anger, blame, resentment etc. that we push on to our children because ‘they are there’.
I’m loving changing these patterns and seeing the children blossom & grow in many more ways other than just physically.
Yes, it’s great to be able to recognise when we deflect all of our stuff on to others, whether it be our children, our parents, or even our friends. Deepening our relationships with everyone in our lives including our own well worth the effort.
A beautiful blog Adele. It is lovely to read of the turn around in the relationship with your son because you have embraced true love.
And how true Rebecca that in the role of parenting, we are blessed with the call to go deeper, to return to the truth of what love is, because children naturally do not accept abuse, and they respond/react to what is not true love instantly to show us a clear reflection of ourselves.
I so enjoy your truth-full writing Adele, not being a parent myself and witnessing some of the things that parents struggle with I find your blog and what you have managed to do quite wonderful. I resonate with much of what you have written and I love what you have written here about children instantly reacting to what is not true love to give us adults a clear reflection. When I look around at how most children are behaving it is clear there is not much true love around. Parents like you are desperately needed.
Yes Josephine, it is inspiring to see how Adele has made true changes in her life to be there for herself and now for her son.
This is so true, Adele! They show us immediately when we are off. Such an awesome reflection back.
This is such a lovely read Adele, I so agree that loving ourselves and being true to who we are is what builds truly loving relationships, ones that are not based on our own needs or expectations. Thank you for sharing this inspiring account of your relationship with your son and the changes that occurred when you were prepared to take a deeper level of responsibility. The joy in your photo is contagious.
Thank you Victoria. It is indeed truly inspiring that the changes and deepening of this relationship keeps unfolding without end, as our relationship with ourselves keep growing. The beauty of the interconnectedness of everything is beautifully witnessed in relationships.
I enjoyed this blog so much. It made the patterns that we use to make ourselves feel better so clear and brought a clearer, better understanding of how we sometimes use relationships, including those with children to make ourselves feel better.
Amazing Adele. how can we have a true relationship if it is based on need and how can we truly express ourselves and be free of that binding agreement that says we must provide for each other what we dont have for ourselves? What I really resonated with was ” rarely raising of my voice and hardening my body when I speak” this is a clear give away for me when I am not being my true loving self, when I have to be slightly hard to not feel that there is a lack of love flowing in me and my relationships. Thanks for your honesty and expression it is truly awesome!
So true Harrison, it is inconceivable for many mothers that speaking without raising our voices or hardening of our bodies is even a possibility as a mother! It is accepted as normality in society (at least in our culture) that parents must speak in raised voices when their children do not listen to intimidate them or to vent frustration.
Hardening our bodies does not feel loving at all, and when we begin from this place of not being loving to ourselves, how can we ever be in a truly loving relationship with our children? No wonder children react and rebel (to us).
So easy not to catch this hardening, too – so subtle in the beginning. I am working with this at the moment with my kids and appreciate these comments to help me go deeper with this. Thank you.
Those indicators, (raising your voice and hardening your body), have been great markers for me to really know when I am parenting with love or from reaction.
I don’t know a culture where raising one’s voice is not accepted.
I’ve certainly been subject to that my whole life, and as a result do the same thing back to others. I have more understanding now of how ineffective that approach is and therefore can see the choice I have to make more clearly these days.
Thats a great insight Harrison about the expression of not being love, felt in the body, such as becoming hard and it is so important to consistently reach the point of sensitivity where our bodies really are showing us what we are choosing!
Everything you said Harrison is exactly what I have too found for myself, the slightest sign of a reaction such as raising my voice is a clear sign I am not myself, well said
So true Oliver. These are markers that I am so much more aware of. Now when I speak from hardness or anxiety it is a loud and clear sign to me that I am out. These are things that I very much would of overridden and ignored before.
Amazing Harrison. I love your comment and particularly where you have outed when you ‘have to be slightly hard to not feel that there is a lack of love flowing in me and my relationships’. I know this feeling you speak of, and it has been inspiration for me today to stay open and feeling where this hardness sets in and to work on it. Great awareness thank you.
You have said so much here. Our relationships are so important but what you have expressed here is key ‘The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we ‘think’ we ‘should be’.
Thank you Vicky. With all the self-help parenting books out there and all the advice from everyone around us, it is not easy to feel how to be ourselves and stay consistent with being ourselves in the huge amount of pressures and ideals regarding parenting, especially as a first time parent. In retrospect, therefore having a relationship first with oneself, is the foundation to standing firm in the truth of who we are, and not to be who we think we have to be. That said, it is never too late to start this relationship, as it is never too late to re-imprint the relationship with our children.
Thank you Adele, you are absolutely spot on. I love everything you have shared with us.
I agree Adele, as you said in your blog, ‘I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.’ Wow, what a responsibility we have to build a truly loving relationship with ourselves, it affects everyone.
Hi Adele,
I was speaking to my mum the other day about parenting books – and she of course said they could not prepare her for having children. It was a natural instinct and listening to the body that truly guides you through.
My relationship with my parents has been re-imprinted – and I am so appreciative that we are able to do that and see each other as equals
This is a great point Hannah, there are no books out there that are teaching us to listen to our bodies or even to listen to the children themselves for so often there is so much we can learn from them
I have never been a parent but what you say rings true Adele, about the pressures parents are under to be anything but themselves in the act of parenting, thus the absolute necessity of having a foundational relationship with yourself first.
It is never too late to bring that relationship to yourself and therefore change all your relationships around you at home, at work, in the community. Thank goodness!
I and many others will second that Vanessa, thank goodness.
And it takes a lot of steadiness and firmness to keep connecting with ourselves in truth and in love, especially during the re-correction period. But in clarity of purpose and the commitment back to a true relationship with ourselves, it will be truth and love that we will be guided and supported throughout.
Yes, I agree Vanessa and Adele, we can start bringing that relationship to ourself when we choose to.
Absolutely Adele, ‘having a relationship first with oneself, is the foundation to standing firm in the truth of who we are, and not to be who we think we have to be.’ This does take commitment and love whilst we are re-building the relationship, but it is essential for life.
Yes Adele I agree and your blog and also your commands are a real blessing for all parents out there – wunderbar.
Very true Vicky, and the way we think we should be as a parent is a very strong belief passed down from generation to generation without really stopping to feel how it really is for me.
True Rosie, we either go with what is passed down, or go against parts of that in reaction, ‘wanting to be a better parent’, without really feeling what is truly loving and supportive for our children.
Lorraine I have been reflecting on what you have shared recently. When I became a parent it was a reaction towards how I felt a family should be, when I grew up feeling a lot of ideals and beliefs were confining and simply not loving. But I imposed my own set of ideals and beliefs into my own family. A few years down the line, when I realized that wasn’t loving either, I then attempted to change them again with another imposition. Until I began giving myself understanding then this understanding allowed me to feel how it was for my son. I have to let go of my perfect picture of how a family should look like, to begin to truly connecting in a way we have never experienced in the past.
So true Vicky, what Adele writes about being true to ourselves seems to be the foundation of all our relationships. As someone new to parenting I am beginning to see the importance of having a true relationship with myself first, that way I show my own child they too can be who they are in life. It is definitely a great awareness to have and then live.
Awesome comment Vicky and I also loved this section by Adele. You are right that this is key to all relationships and if we truly take note and live this in all our relationships with ourselves and others it will truly be from a foundation of true love.
“Living who we are” – such a simple yet so profound statement. It is what has eluded people for decades & lifetimes. Living who we are – we are kept so in the dark as to the amazing light we all are and because we are separate, we fill ourselves up on what we should/could be. But the beauty is getting real and honest – as this blog beautifully shows – and living ourselves in each and every moment.
Yes Vicky simply living who we are with no expectations placed on ourselves or others of how we should be is a major key to all our relationships in our lives.
Great stand out point Vicki, I find those sneaky ideals and beliefs playing out a lot, and each time I become aware of another, it is a step closer to living more of my true self.
Parenting is such a special role, so full of opportunities to really learn about ourselves and who we are. Thank you for sharing your ongoing journey Adele, it is full of inspiration and I learn so much from your insights.
So true that is Suzanne, parenting is constantly deepening the relationship with self and others, because in parenting we are gifted with a responsibility that nudges us to go deeper with it every day. And choosing to say yes to this responsibility opens an unending well of inspiration.
Children present us with daily opportunities to reflect on ourselves and our relationship and connection with ourselves and them – a constant blessing and reminder of where we come from when we communicate.
Wow – this is so great what you say: I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone. So it is never too late to start a loving relationship with self first, and then with others.
I have noticed this when I spend time with children, sometimes they can be the most amazing radars for even the slightest form of disharmony, offering such a pure reflection for one to address their energetic quality. Then at other times children can lose the plot like the rest of us and require loving discipline, to cut the nonsense so they can return to their natural tender state of being.
Really connected with your article Adele. My children are grown up, with children of their own, and I have found that for me, parenting has changed to a deep friendship. Occasionally the old patterns of ‘pander’ or ‘meddle’ come to mind, and I think I should say something, but my heart shows me to just say what needs to be said, lovingly, and move on.
I enjoy what you say Catherine, the way you relate to your children sounds like elder wisdom to me.
Agree Josephine it does ring very true but this relates to every thing.
I agree Catherine – the willingness to stay connected to self and expose what is going on within ourselves before taking action shows a wealth of lived insight and understanding.
The beauty of what has been shared here is that this can apply to every single relationship we have ever had. What we choose to not love about ourselves often stops us appreciating and bringing this quality to another.
I love how you use ‘gift’ and ‘responsibility’ in the same sentence Adele! To me, the word responsibility has in the past had connotations of something onerous or imposing or something that limits, or that we really don’t want to do or take on.. when in truth, the meaning of true responsibility provides us true freedom because it always considers the ‘all’ and sees us as equal, and in this, it is indeed a ‘gift’, not only for ourselves, but for others.
I feel open, uplifted and graceful when I am taking responsibility.
Couldn’t agree more Adele, I was talking the other day with a friend and we talked about how mothering can bring out an immense strength to ‘do what we have to do’. There still felt to be a drive in that, however…and I appreciate your expression in saying that it is ‘a responsibility that nudges us to go deeper with it every day.’ That feels soo much more True for me and minus the ‘drive’.
Agreed Suzanne, a huge part of parenting is actually about us as the parent/s, than the child and I have grown significantly when able to look at my part in the parent/child relationship..
I do agree we can learn so much about ourselves through parenting and it always does start with ourselves.
Yes Esther and you don’t even have to be a parent to come to this understanding.
Parenting is a great opportunity, both for the parents and child to fully understand themselves and each other. It is a great time for sharing and being open.
Hi Amita, these are true words you speak here, sometimes I can feel like the child when it is my own children teaching me, but I have come to the humble understanding that this is because we are all constantly students of life, and I have started to feel what it means to remain the parent responsibly, regardless of whether I am the one learning, or them.
I agree Suzanne, Adeles sharing is always such an inspiration. I love also to feel your own joy in parenting and openness to learn. This too is inspiration for me.
The openness with which you share your life transformed is inspirational Adele, thank you once again.
Yes totally agree with you Jane. Adele’s transforming her life is truly inspirational and so wonderfully shared. Thank you Adele.