I have lived with and raised my son on my own for the majority of the last 8 of the 11 years of his life and have been learning that the responsibility of being a parent is not what I first thought it was.
My Son and I and Being a Parent
In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being. Therefore, with the birth of my son, I proceeded to construct a life between us that protected what was my ‘ideal of love’.
For me being loved meant being understood; therefore whenever I felt I was not understood, I would use this as an excuse to isolate from the world and focus entirely on making the relationship with my son to be everything that I needed.
Instead of taking up the responsibilities of being a parent, I would make sure no conflicts existed between us; I would pander to all my son’s demands and more often than not, fulfill them. Indeed the relationship between my son and I seemed harmonious on the surface because he would always get what he wanted.
For example, I would let him have his dinner while watching TV, so there was no true communication every time we ate, or I allowed him to indulge in excessive video game playing because I had to work, even though this made him aggressive and bad tempered. I would go all out in all ways to appease any potential conflict.
Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us.
There was no true harmony within our relationship or in being a parent, as I needed my son to fit into my way of life and offer me company. Very soon he knew he could ask me for anything because of what my needs were. I started to realise that the relationship between my son and I was no different from any close relationship I have had with others, especially with men.
However, eventually the grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself could no longer be ignored. The pain of ignoring how I truly felt in many everyday situations and not expressing my truth got too immense. Every single day I was living with a deep sadness that would explode into crying episodes once in a while. I was never completely free from this grief, no matter what I tried.
Taking Self Responsibility: Building a True Relationship with my Son
The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known. That is:
The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.
It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.
The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behaviour that were controlling my life. After eleven years of being a mother I have finally become a truly responsible parent, without perfection. There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.
For example, even when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.
I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.
My son used to always say when he was younger: “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” Now I realise the truth of this sentence and what a true relationship is. What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for forever opening and deepening my knowing and living of the true love that I am.
By Adele Leung, Fashion stylist/Art director, Hong Kong
Related Reading, Building True Relationships and Responsible Parenting
557 Comments
Thank you Adele – it was so lovely to read your blog. It brought to mind my own need to build a close relationship with my children to protect me from the world, and rather than doing this it only separated me from the world. It has been amazing how my view of the relationship has changed over the years as I establish a more mature and balanced way of living life and this has allowed me to be more understanding and loving. I can now love them as they are as I stand back and watch them unfold along their own chosen path.
Adele,
I can see from just looking at the photograph in this blog – the immense amount of love there is between you and your son – and the absolute joy with which you now live.
I also see this same amount of love shared with everyone you meet and how you hold yourself and others.
That is a long way from a sad and overwhelmed woman you once thought you were.
Your gentleness and feminine quality that I see in you today and that comes across in your writing, your relationships, and the way you live – is an absolute inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing so honestly your journey.
“When true love is our commitment…then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined” – Beautiful Adele. I think a lot of people would look at a relationship like you had with your son a few years ago, and see it as successful; you managed to maintain a job, work hard, while he was quite happy on his own playing ‘video games’, watching TV and so forth. But what you’ve shared is that as a parent you hold a greater responsibility than that – it’s up to you to be absolute love with him, and listen to what he has to say, also to not let him distract himself from the amazing young man he is growing up to become. In a way when you start treating him more as an equal than a ‘little boy’ then the relationship becomes one where your expression, and your sons can support each other.
I can really relate to what you have said here Adele as recently, nearly 7 years into parenthood, it has been dawning on me also just how much responsibility we do have as parents to reflect true love to our children and this starts with the simple fact that they can see and feel every day the level of self love I hold myself in. There is no hiding.
I so love this article Adele. Especially the part about how when you reflect true love, your son is able to choose that for himself as well.
Thank you, Adele. I can relate to much of what’s been shared in terms of needing the relationship with my children to be a certain way simply to fulfil me. I too am learning that my relationship with and how I care for myself is what affects the quality of relationship I have with my children as well as anyone else.
I always wanted to be the best friend to my kids and not the mother. I have noticed that this was a need from me to be seen from my kids as the cool friend. The friends of my kids did love to come to our place and being at home with us. Now I know that I had expected something back to be seen as someone special, but this was a lie.
Thank you Adele. This is a wonderful testimony to the power of how loving yourself can change our closest relationships by allowing us to open up to the truth in them and see whether we are harbouring any hidden needs. By doing this we make the space for true connection to take place and a true relationship to grow.
Adele thank you for setting the record straight on what true parenting is about. I am sure your earlier experiences were shared by many people. Your points about the anguish you felt when not expressing you resonate and made me reflect that perhaps much of the frustration and angst in life comes from holding back what we feel to express but do not.
You have hit the nail on the head here, Adele. Committing to our relationship with ourselves and addressing any unloving patterns or beliefs there, frees us up to just be ourselves and enjoy our relationships with others. Being a parent provides so many opportunities to let go of all that stuff and simply be with them.
A powerful subject Adele – thank you for sharing this with us. I was particularly struck when you were writing “Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love”. There have been many instances when I have reacted first to a situation with my kids which just leads to either defending my corner, or attacking theirs. However, its understanding that is the key to being able to hear what is truly going on and keeps me open to my kids, and in all my relationships.
I’m sure many parents can relate to what you have shared Adele, but perhaps aren’t so willing to admit. It is tough to realise that the people you ‘love’ the most, you haven’t been truly loving, because you have lacked love for yourself to begin with.
Your article shows us all that it is possible to live differently and bring that richness of real love into all of our relationships.
Very true Kylie, and as what is between a parent and a child is a relationship, it can be tough to admit that we have fallen for needs and not love–from both sides. So it is how consistent we are with loving ourselves and therefore how consistently we are with truly loving our children. And whether we keep expressing and connecting about all of this–which is all about communication in equality.
Our children are so precious. They all deserve to be raised in awareness of what love is and what it means. They absolutely know what it is but more often than not, don’t get truly held in it and it is not something that is articulated as an everyday norm, so things can become complicated. As you say Adele love and need are often confused and within this context, which I can certainly relate to, the parent can lose perspective of what parenting is all about whilst thinking they are doing ok. Thank you for sharing, especially that the key to being a loving parent is to love yourself first. When this is our foundation, nothing unloving can get past us – it has to be called out and so our little cherubs can learn the responsibility of their choices!
Hi Adele great blog but I’d love to know how your son handled the transitional period between being pandered to and being parented in a more true way. Did you do it gradually or just rip the plaster off?
Great call Kevin, I’d love to read about this too!
Hi Kevin, the transitional period from my son reflected for me 2 things–whether what was re-introduced was truly loving and whether I was consistent in being truly loving.
I tried so many different ways, but ultimately it had to come back to a lot of understanding and reading of my son and the situation every time, and that would not have been possible had I not first allowed immense acceptance and understanding towards myself.
Adele this is beautiful – the key always comes back to a deep appreciation, understanding and acceptance of ourselves first and foremost. What a beautiful transition time for your son to also understand and accept himself too.
“understanding and reading of my son and the situation every time, and that would not have been possible had I not first allowed immense acceptance and understanding towards myself”.
This is a great question Kevin. I am curious to know as well.
Elizabeth, Debra, Candida, Kevin–that would be an upcoming blog, stay tuned!
So true, when we start being honest, then true to ourselves, and start making loving choices, the truth of what we have previously accepted as the way things are, including ‘loving’ relationships, gets exposed, and offers us a choice to re-imprint with true love.
“How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives”. For me this is the essence Adele. When we are truly responsible parents, we are laying the foundation for our children to be the same.
Thank you Adele Leung, for presenting your story on parenting. It tells me that how we relate to ourselves is also reflected in the way we parent our children. I can relate to the fact of taking on the responsibility of being a parent does also requires me to reflect on the responsibility I have for my own life. Do I choose to have a true relationship with myself first or do I choose to have a relationship with how I should be as dictated from the society? I too used to have a life based on the given ideals and beliefs, reacting to life instead of letting my inner beauty be my guide and this way of living was also reflected in the way I parented my children. It is so freeing both for how I am with myself and in my relationship with my children that I have taken the responsibility for my own life and for all the relationships thereafter.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be” – if we do not live who we are but try to stage up a life we would like to have, we will never live in the moment and therefore never be fully where we should be. By choosing to look at ourselves first, we will learn that everything we meet in life is there for us to learn and grow – and that it is only ourselves who can change our lives and by that change the world.
I love how you show us Adele that in bringing true understanding to yourself, you bring this to your son and actually to everyone else. What you say relates so strongly to each and everyone of us as we parent ourselves as sons of God.
This is a great blog Adele, very well written. I love how you are exposing the needs that you had when you had your son – that you were lonely and hoped he could fill the emptiness. It definitely plays out then, with peoples parenting by letting them get their way and have what they want, to not supposedly loose them. It’s crazy what some Mothers will do for their children at the expense of their self. I love that you are claiming your responsibility and raising your son in a more true and honouring way. If it’s truly honouring for you then it’s honouring for them.
Thanks for your awesome blog Adele. I have been playing around with different ways of parenting as I realised that following what society had shown me, was not really working for me or my daughter.
I have come to realise that my old laissez-faire approach was totally irresponsible and it was based on my need for my daughter to like and love me and think I was a “cool” parent.
These days I am a lot firmer but still need to work on that, not in a hard way, but just as a way of showing what the boundaries are from a place of love and respect for everyone around us. It is no longer just about me and her.
Brilliant Rosie. You have encapsulated something for me: firm does not have to be hard – that firm, consistent and clear is love – thank you.
I agree Rosie. I too have learned that love is sometimes firm and always consistent, and that boundaries are truly loving and supportive of children so they may learn for themselves what love truly is.
Already trying to be a good mum is something that does not feel true to me, many mums are giving themselves away to their families. Only when a women stays true to herself she is able to be a real reflection to her kids.
Adele, the amazing turn around in your relationship with you, your son and others offer true inspiration to the many trapped in false ideals of love. Your story is so beautifully captured by the two powerful quotes: “The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship” And “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’ “.
Adele, as the mother of a 13 yr old this topic is one that I ponder on a lot. Our own needs get in the way of all of our relationships but because children can be influenced so easily then our needs can play havoc with our children. I have consciously let go of my need to feel loved by my son and am attempting to love him regardless of whether or not he expresses love back. I am currently working on my need for him to do certain things (drink water, apply sunscreen) as this simply feels like nagging and at the age of 13 he should be free to feel the consequences of his own choices. I have been exploring why I feel the need to control what he and others do and I recognize that it is to lessen my possible discomfort if things don’t go my way.
Another open and honest article Adele. There is a great responsibility in being a parent and it is easy to accept what we think we should do to be a good parent. I totally agree with what you have written, “the foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we should be”. There is a consistency in this way of being, that we then reflect to our children.
Thank you Adele, for sharing with us all the power of taking responsibility for parenting and showing what true love in a parenting role is- not pandering , not neediness.
Instead in its simplicity it starts with: -“I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.”
Its so true that the way we parent is very exposing of how our relationship with ourselves is. Over the years I have developed a more loving relationship with myself which reflects on how I am not only with my children but all others as well. It’s also constantly showing me what I need to work on. What a blessing to have this constant reflection, all I need to do is be open to what it is showing me and continue to learn and grow from there.
I agree that it is a blessing to have this constant reflection and the opportunity to learn and grow.
Thank you Adele. It takes courage to look at our past behaviours and beliefs and then take action to make those changes. Even though I am not a parent, I feel what you are saying crosses over into all relationships. I feel very inspired by your loving and consistent way that you have developed with your son. The photo says it all.
I love this blog, Adele. I went through a period in my life where I put my children’s needs way above my own. I thought I was being a ‘good mother’, but this exhausted me and therefore wasn’t beneficial for anyone. Universal medicine has also supported me to understand that you can’t truly love another until you love yourself. My building of a foundation of self-love and self-care supports our whole family and gives the children a reflection that they may also choose self-love.
What an extraordinary and inspiring transformation you have gone through Adele!
I love the detail you have gone into about how you used to be with your son as it so graphically reveals how our relationships with others reflect exactly what state we ourselves are in – do we truly love ourselves or not, or are we using others to fulfil a need or cover a hurt. Through our true love – that still and beholding love – we can truly allow our children to grow and bloom naturally, and not distort them into something that is not them.
Thank you Adele!
This is beautifully said Lyndy, if we allow our kids to grow up naturally and letting them be who they are, it is allowing a loving relationship in the family. This experience is what they can take to their next relationship in their life. What a great start for kids to know parenting with love as a marker for truth.
A great blog, Adele, showing such an enormous change in the way that you now approach parenting. I particularly like the sentence “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” Yes, I agree with you. When we really begin to understand and love ourselves, then we just know how to understand and love our children. From that, we know exactly how to be with them and how to handle their behaviours. A wonderful learning for you in your relationship with your son. I would certainly have benefitted from this knowledge when I was bringing up my two sons many years ago. But to the best of my ability, I now use this knowledge in my interactions with them as very mature men.
I am not a parent but relate to everything you have shared in all relationships in my life, especially ones with men.
Great point Laura the old keeping the peace in order to not be alone. Doesn’t end with anyone feeling that great yet we seem driven to avoid being alone at all costs. I have found the more I express the more I am free to share how I really feel with my partner and other relationships and also with myself.
So true Vanessa. I had this just yesterday and had the opportunity to squish myself and not ‘go there’ with a situation in my family home and I felt the pull of wanting a ‘nice life’ and the possibility of loneliness if I did go there, but I went there anyway. My body thanked me and it created space for all of us. Always our choice.
“The heart simply knows that true love is not from need,” hear hear I agree, and have to say I am deeply grateful to the presentations of Universal Medicine and Serge Benahyon which have supported me to come to this realisation, within my own body and begin to break free from these chains.
Gyl I am in agreement with you here! To break free of the fact that I equated love with need and didn’t differentiate between the two; has been the key to turning the relationship with myself and all others around.
I agree here too Rachel and Gyl. I love knowing what true love is.
Even though I am not a parent i feel I can relate to this blog, be it the relationship I have with the kids in class, people at work, my family, myself or even partners or friends. It all relates , as I have also come to realise and take responsibility in the fact we are in constantly in relationship with everybody – how awesome is that , so joyful and an amazing opportunity.
‘Constantly in relationship with everybody’ – I love the responsibility this comment presents – I cannot categorise my relationships with greater or lesser value – every interaction is a relationship and a point of reflection for the quality of my relationship with myself. Thank you, Gyl.
Adele there is always such clarity in your writing and is so relatable. If we build relationships from a need then there will be a point when the needyness gets exposed. This line is so true and a great reminder, ” The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.”
Thank you Adele, for such a practical description between emotionally based love which is dependent on our needs being met and building a relationship based on true love. I especially love how you make the distinction between coming back to a commitment to true love and understanding that we are not our patterns of behaviour even though we must take responsibility for the consequences of them.
Wow Adele, your decision to take responsibility for the way you felt about life and be honest, has led you to know LOVE. What a gift to you and your son and the 7 million others that you share your life with. This is golden!
‘There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’
This sentence captures it all. Living this way sounds like the ultimate way to be. Very inspriring Adele!
I remember saying to a Mum when my daughter was about 1 that I had found it very difficult being a parent as it was a constant reminder of how little I loved my self as I could only love her as much as I loved myself and at that time that was not very much. It is now very different as I have been developing my relationship with myself and being caring and tender with myself so to I can be much more tender with her, people have noticed that our relationship is different more relaxed and loving, caring. There is much more to deepen and I am forever inspired like you Adele by the Benhayon family and Universal Medicine.
Vanessa well expressed point of how so many of us have expressed being a parent is difficult because of how little love we have for ourselves. I feel this can be related to most things that we feel difficult in life. Self-love is where it all begins, forever grateful that Universal Medicine has allowed me to understand that.
Beautiful Adele, thank you for sharing this. I can relate to what you are expressing here. I have had similar situations that you described in the beginning with my own children lately and really need to keep a check on myself to still hold what is true whilst delivering it in a loving and accepting way. For me I feel acceptance to be key for me at the moment. Acceptance of where my children are at. I can feel one of my children is not living true to herself and I feel pain from that and feel the want to ‘fix’ that for her. When I stand back and just allow and accept, it removes any expectation for her be any way and allows her the space to feel this for herself. I am also aware of the reflection that this shows for me in the areas of my life that I am not truly living me. Thank you Adele
Great point Heidi, I’ve been feeling how when I’m being controlling with my boys and getting overly upset by something they are choosing… it’s so in my face that what I have been choosing is upsetting to see and feel in my reflection.
Is it possible that this is what is experienced the world over by parents, seeing our children choose something that we ourselves choose and it being reflected as unloving actions… resulting in a lot of tension!
Yes Rachel and it is with the awareness of how children can be very clear reflections of ourselves and the openness to learn and grow together with them that imbues all family units with the one of the greatest blessings in constellation.
So true Heidi. I too have caught myself wanting to fix things for my sons rather than allowing them the space to feel the effect of their choices and grow from that. I now realise in these moments I have made it about me and my need to control the situation and am learning to let this go.
Hong Kong is blessed to have you Adele. And so is your son.
As a woman with no children I could related to every aspect of your article. The man I made responsible for eliminating my loneliness was my father. A different dynamic to a son, for sure, but a similar outcome – grief, hardening in the body, and no true harmony between us. I was so needy with him, so ready to be hurt if he did not act as i thought he should. Gosh those ideals we create come back to hurt us.
Our relationship has changed so completely now. We meet as who we are. Express ourselves to the fullest we can. I have discovered the depth of his love for me, and it has blown me away. I could not see it when I had created a vision of how it was supposed to be…I was looking for glitter and ignoring the gold. No longer.
This lesson is one I have taken deeply to heart and have felt its confirmation in your beautiful blog Adele.
Beautiful comment Rachel and I too have looked for ‘glitter and ignored the gold’. So many of my relationships have been dependant on another person delivering the gold and never appreciated that I held that gold within me. Adele’s choice to truly face up to her neediness is very inspiring and as you say, her example can be applied to all the relationships we have.
‘…so ready to be hurt if he did not act as I thought he should’ ~ Rachel these are awesome words. How many times have we held expectations of another only to have them dashed? I know I have, and then struggled with the bitter disappointment and hurt I thought was only natural.
I’ve seen you and your Dad together and I can see how lovely you both are and how at ease with each other you are. Congratulations on the letting go of your expectations, and the deepening you’ve undertaken with him. It’s gorgeous to see and most inspiring.
Rachel I can relate to your experiences with your father as well, and how you both relate now is incredibly inspiring. When we drop our expectations and ideals in how people should be, we can all be freer to be ourselves, when we begin to meet our true selves, the need for that to be fulfilled by others, lessen.
The constellation of being in Hong Kong as well as with my son, is a great teaching for me on this, one which I deeply appreciate and have come to accept when seeing the truth of it.
I absolutely loved reading your blog. I also relate to it as a single mum of an amazing five year old. Is a great reminder of the essential part of building a true relationship with ourselves in an understanding, accepting and loving way. Thank you for your sharing. Cristina