I have lived with and raised my son on my own for the majority of the last 8 of the 11 years of his life and have been learning that the responsibility of being a parent is not what I first thought it was.
My Son and I and Being a Parent
In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being. Therefore, with the birth of my son, I proceeded to construct a life between us that protected what was my ‘ideal of love’.
For me being loved meant being understood; therefore whenever I felt I was not understood, I would use this as an excuse to isolate from the world and focus entirely on making the relationship with my son to be everything that I needed.
Instead of taking up the responsibilities of being a parent, I would make sure no conflicts existed between us; I would pander to all my son’s demands and more often than not, fulfill them. Indeed the relationship between my son and I seemed harmonious on the surface because he would always get what he wanted.
For example, I would let him have his dinner while watching TV, so there was no true communication every time we ate, or I allowed him to indulge in excessive video game playing because I had to work, even though this made him aggressive and bad tempered. I would go all out in all ways to appease any potential conflict.
Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us.
There was no true harmony within our relationship or in being a parent, as I needed my son to fit into my way of life and offer me company. Very soon he knew he could ask me for anything because of what my needs were. I started to realise that the relationship between my son and I was no different from any close relationship I have had with others, especially with men.
However, eventually the grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself could no longer be ignored. The pain of ignoring how I truly felt in many everyday situations and not expressing my truth got too immense. Every single day I was living with a deep sadness that would explode into crying episodes once in a while. I was never completely free from this grief, no matter what I tried.
Taking Self Responsibility: Building a True Relationship with my Son
The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known. That is:
The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.
It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.
The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behaviour that were controlling my life. After eleven years of being a mother I have finally become a truly responsible parent, without perfection. There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.
For example, even when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.
I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.
My son used to always say when he was younger: “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” Now I realise the truth of this sentence and what a true relationship is. What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for forever opening and deepening my knowing and living of the true love that I am.
By Adele Leung, Fashion stylist/Art director, Hong Kong
Related Reading, Building True Relationships and Responsible Parenting
This is a deeply important sharing for us all and contains a wisdom and joy of life and parenting and relationship with ourselves first as hugely important . Thank you Adele for the lovely awareness you bring light to and the true relationships we can have ever deepening and confirming if we choose to.
Without connection with our children first, necessary boundaries become rules and control. Our children will feel this , and they will never agree to it and would react towards us.
But when we take the responsibility to connect with our children first, and consistently so, they may still react to the boundaries, but they will keep connecting back to you. That is when we as parents know, whether we have met them or not.
Children know what is true love or not, but are we as parents humble and open enough to listen and feel their reflections and reactions? And can we ourselves have this necessary openness towards them when we have not first built this openness with ourselves?
Adele. You are truly an inspiration to all single parents, and a truly a loving mother.
Beauty-full blog Adele well expressed. I can relate to a lot in my relationships now where I trust completely what I am feeling. The more I appreciate how deeply I feel and honour that equally in not holding it back –> life flows and it is confirmed that I am in full control.
“The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.” This is such a wonderful raw and honest blog showing the traps that many of us fall into in all relationships, when we make choices in order to have our needs fulfilled.
Golnaz, beautifully and powerfully expressed.
“Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” I’ve heard this said by a young child also Adele, and you know what touches me now, is that child knew exactly what they meant, though I, because of my lack of self love at that time, could not let in their love – and therefore, at the time could not myself understand their words and what they were feeling. Now I do Adele, your article has brought me to this awareness. Thank you.
It is deeply beautiful Rosanna, the understanding between parent and child relationships that comes when we have chosen to make it only about love, then we know it is really love that has constellated us, and that in our hearts we have always known it is true love that we wish to live. Thank you for sharing.
Adele, your article introduces us to a new understanding of responsibility. What you are saying about responsibility makes sense.
Thanks Adele. Lovely to read how you have changed your relationship with you son. I am sure that must have been an experience in itself but great to read that staying with loving yourself was the way through.
Most relationships are based on need but as you say, Adele, a true relationship is founded on ‘our relationship with ourselves first’. If we value ourselves we do not need another to fulfill us so we do not place any demands on another, nor do we allow anything that would devalue us or them.
I agree Ariana. I have seen how putting my relationship with myself first has made tremendous differences to my relationships with others over the last few years. I am at a point now where I am wanting to take my relationship with myself even deeper, but not entirely sure how? I guess asking the question is the first step, and the first answer that comes to me is to deepen my connection with myself and my body.
Re ‘relationship to oneself’ : in a group I am in Marianna we discussed this morning the topic of infidelity. It was a deep and gorgeous unpacking of all the misleadings around this topic. We were speaking about the anti-dote to infidelity being ‘self-devotion ‘, a devotion of going more deeply into intimacy with oneself, and that any using any distraction to prevent deeper intimacy was in fact anti-evolutionary behaviour.
There was something about the use of the word devotion (usually a word I am slightly reserved with), that felt so powerful – more than self-love, because suddenly God was in the picture, resonating so strongly with my-self.
Being aware of and arresting the energy of our hurts is one pf the most powerful was to go, I am finding.
Adele I have a question, (or three)!. You said that, “even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us”. Do you think that people carry this cycle with them to adulthood? And do you see that not getting want you want and the explosive emotions that often follow as the basis of abuse we see in society?
Marianna, brilliant questions thank you.
The answers are presently being lived everyday in deeper awareness.
It is all about relationships. To abuse and to allow abuse if it happens in our relationships there must be a momentum that has been carried forth which feels familiar in the body. Whether this momentum is carried to adulthood (and further) or not, depends on the awareness of the destruction caused by this pattern, and whether we consistently and in commitment choose to build another momentum. For myself, even with the awareness, the true action of it was only possible when the love within my body was built enough to let me say NO. And it this a forever deepening process.
Which leads to the answer to your second question–-when we allow and condone people from getting away with explosive emotions because these emotions are intimidating and controlling, then yes, the momentum of explosive emotions collectively will become the basis of abuse and it would form a foundation accepting abuse to be normal and abuse will be justified it as unfortunate or unchangeable. Then we have all the reasons to label people as bad and evil and further not take the responsibility to let the world in or live the naturalness of connection and love.
So to break the pattern of abuse in our society is definitely teamwork of the whole world! Starting from our individual lives, to communities, to the world–-breaking the cycle/pattern/consciousness of abuse is the responsibility of every one of us, in all our relationships.
‘So to break the pattern of abuse in our society is definitely teamwork of the whole world! Starting from our individual lives, to communities, to the world–-breaking the cycle/pattern/consciousness of abuse is the responsibility of every one of us, in all our relationships.’ Funny how easy it is to blame everyone else when the responsibility lies with each individual to work alongside everyone else – together we can rebuild humanity into the loving, harmonious way of being that is our true nature.
Some great points Adele, and yes, ‘breaking the cycle/pattern/consciousness of abuse is the responsibility of every one of us, in all our relationships’, and with our selves.
It’s always difficult when I’m challenged to admit that I didn’t get it right. I am fortunate to have two amazing sons and yet I can’t claim that it’s all down to me. In fact I got most of it wrong as I did things that I thought were ‘love’ but actually they weren’t. Thank you Adele for the reflection.
Oh Michael, we all did the same!
What a wonderful opportunity to be able to read blogs such as this, and share our developments with each other across the world as we emerge from the false web that we once ‘thought’ was love and relationship.
I had one parent whose Victorian motto was Spare the rod and spoil the child. The other gave me the responsibility for being good and I know which one I prefered and I brought up my own children that way. But it is not the influence of one parent that makes someone who he is but a balance of everything and the choices they make from it all. Children thrive on love and inspiration above all else.
Being your ‘son’ it is lovely to read your honesty here. At the time you did what you thought was loving and caring for us, providing us with literally anything and everything we could have ever wanted just in the material form. The more loving and tender you are with yourself now the more you are with me and it is lovely to see you becoming more of the man you always were, naturally sweet and caring without needing to give us anything.
Same here Ariana. Firstly, I had to develop a relationship with myself as that did not exist, and as I have worked on this and deepened the relationship with myself which has been so lovely to do…. I have found like you all my relationships have become easier and have improved.
When we hold another in true love, it is a gift we offer the other which is felt….. and the ‘stuff’ that was inbetween just seems to drop away. Truly inspiring blog Adele and a great support for anyone who struggles with parenting.
I am with you Adele. Until we truly understand and accept ourselves lovingly, there can be no true love in relationships. This seems to be a constant work in progress, but gets easier with a focus on consistency and steadiness.
That’s an amazing blog, which I relate to very much. In fact – it shows the pattern of how we tend to raise children to expect to get what they want and the world accommodating all their wants and desires. Later in life this seems to cause confusion and sets up a situation where people don’t take responsibility for themselves. I very much enjoyed reading this and seeing the patterns that we create.
Parenting becomes an honour when we begin to honour ourselves in the way that we look after ourselves. Like you Adele, I felt unable to deal with the emotional repercussions when I was not giving my children a true reflection of how to be self-caring. Sometimes rather than giving in to them I would go into manipulation and control mode and try to avoid being either honest with them or myself. I was giving them very mixed messages as that was how I felt inside – lost and mixed up. I have found such clarity and love by attending the courses of Universal Medicine and meeting Serge Benhayon.
I was really impressed by your honesty in sharing your parenting issues and then the complete turn around. The resolution of the problems that you share will be of much benefit to many new young Parents. I do believe that what you shared, that it is “never too late to reimprint the relationship with our children” is a great truth. Thank you Adele for a terrific blog.
When we pander to our children for whatever reason, we are changing ourselves in need of an outcome. This is a compromise in integrity to ourselves. Being a nice parent because we want to be liked , or to keep our children in control, neither side is in integrity or true love with each other.
I agree Adele – being “nice” to be liked or keep control is actually manipulative and very damaging – it teaches our children that pleasing people is an acceptable way of behaving, which if course it is not.
Hi Adele, I love this point that you make “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.”
As parents we often take on a role of how we think we should act based on whatever ideals we are under the influence of at the time. When I did this in my years of parenting I was forever overriding my own feelings and impulses in favour of these ideals. This also overrode my ever taking deep care of myself first so this ‘disregard for self’ was taken on with a vengeance by my children allowing in all sorts of abuse as they became teenagers that has taken years to turn around. It is great that you are nipping these things in the bud as this will save a lot of time undoing the damage that otherwise occurs.
Adele this piece of writing is gold for many parents. You show and proove that it is all about the relationship with self first, before trying to change or work on the relationship with others or even want them to change for oneself. Your son is lucky to have a mum like you, reflecting and working towards what is true, so he will know as an adult what is true and what is not.
Being a mother of 3 and a teacher I have endlessly used control to manage my life.
Through the inspiration of Simone Benhayon I am beginning to see that by truly meeting children their develops a trust and respect for each other that no longer relies on strict control or rules – of course there are solid boundaries consistently in place. But through spending time getting to know children, encouraging them to express freely they feel met and engaged, from here there a fewer barriers to listening and learning together.
I agree Lucinda. Without connection first, necessary boundaries will feel like rules and control, and to children who are still open to feel, this will never work.
When there is constant connection, even though there may still be reaction from the necessary boundaries given, but being consistent in those boundaries as well as being consistent in connecting with our children, they feel a trust that supports them.
All still a play in progress for me.
I didn’t like reading this blog at first, honestly. I had a big smile on my face at the joy-filled photo and was with you for the first part of the blog and then I felt a comparison come in and that felt hideous. So I stopped reading and have come back to it today. Today I am more steadily connected and it is easy for me to feel the inspiration you provide here and the practical language you use really magnifies that. For me, the comparison was simply a knowing that there is so much deeper I want to take this myself and your blog really serves to reconfirm that the relationship starts with me first. So thank you Adele.
Raising children is such a huge responsibility, one that I do not think I fully appreciated when I started out in parenting. The ease with which it is possible to impose our hurts and needs on to our children is startling and I feel can distract away from the genuine care and intimacy that we as parents can share with our children.
Parenting sure brings up a lot of stuff!
Adele, it is so true, how we are with ourselves influences the children throughout their lifes. I observe this everyday with my daughter. Our children do love us deeply and so we are the most important role models for them . Apart of having a loving way of being consequent with them is the way how I am with myself which counts for the upbringing of them.
It takes a lot of courage and honesty to look deeper at our needs around having children; it’s amazing to feel the depth of you looking into those needs, without judgement or self-condemnation. Thank you Adele it was inspiring to read your insights.
Thank you Adele, and beautiful to read of the transformation in your lives. Whether a parent or not these are true words for everyone -“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.”
This is a gorgeous blog Adele – I especially loved the quote: “the foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” – what a revelation and stark contrast to the usual nature of relationships – where the foundations of relationships are based on an expectation of what the other person can give to us.
“For me being loved meant being understood;” This rang a bell with me Adele, while I had not at the time associated it with being loved, I could recognise how I would retreat from the world if I felt I was not understood. Knowing that love starts with loving me first has turned my whole understanding of love around, that it is something that can never be found by looking to another to give me love, knowing we are love, changes everything.
Thank you Adele for sharing, this is simply beautiful.
I actually allow my children to parent me. They often reflect back to me my own agenda and the way that I am going about delivering it in the household. If I lose myself in the parenting role there is a sense of disengagement which is reflected back to me in many ways, parenting then starts becoming hard work. Even though they are still young, I ask them to read me and express what they feel, then we talk about it, a great learning experience for us all.
Great sharing Matthew thank you. The equality and playful ways we relate with our children changes everything we know parenting to be.
Great ideas here, Matthew, thank you
That is a very cool idea! I love it – I got an amazing sense of equality reading your comment.
Self Love, true relationship with self first that allows true relationship with our family … All 7 Billion of them.
All 7 billion and counting–thank you Merilee for the playful touch on truth–that our family indeed is this world and beyond. Every relationship we have impacts the whole of this family, when we come back to this truth on perspective, responsibility is key.,
Adele, it is inspiring to see how you are working on your relationship with your son and it helps me to understand how this kind of work will help all the generations to come.
Adele, this blog is AMAZING! I love the truth and honesty you have brought to this and oh boy oh boy do I relate. Thank you for the loving warm encouragement offered in this blog to parent in truth.
I agree “The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” Connecting to who we are and living from this place is a foundation that supports us to express ourselves and through this we are able to have more honest and open relationships with other people. It is a responsibility, and it does not feel a burden, this responsibility feels amazing, how could coming back to who I truly am feel any other way?
Adele how beautifully you share in bringing the responsibility back to ourselves and others develops and support our relationship with our children. Having that level of honesty and commitment is what we all need to reflect on and bring into our lives. This will create space for us to really deepen our relationships with everyone.
Adele I so loved and deeply appreciate the commitment you made to turning around your relationship with your son from one of destruction to one of love. I too did this with my two daughters so I know it takes a lot of honesty and many painful moments when you need to feel the choices you have made.Your dedication is an inspiration to all.
Mary-Louise just as I appreciate your commitment to true parenting as well as to everyone who has chosen to live true love and true relationships, this is the support that I feel every day to keep going.
And in knowing that there is no difference in the relationship with a child, or with anyone in our lives, that true relationships are not about us or our hurts or even the outcome, but a responsibility.
Adele, that’s huge! “That true relationships are not about us or our hurts or even the outcome, but a responsibility.” I have just realised that I have used relationships as another way of numbing, or not wanting to feel my hurts as I did with entertainment, food and distraction. I know that I have used relationships, to give me something back, to fill my own needs. I haven’t made it about the other person at all. I haven’t taken responsibility of myself, which is why I couldn’t take the responsibility for my relationships with others. You have offered me much to ponder on!
From reading your blog Adele and the comments it has brought home to me the fact that I kept myself so busy trying to please everyone but myself I couldn’t feel what was right for me – my parenting was done from an expectation of what had been done by others before me that I copied. The belief of what a good parent is, thank goodness I have been offered a different way for myself and my children.
Adele, how honest, how inspiring. This whole artifice is golden and one particular part I love is “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.” Through attitudes like this the world changes for the better – Thank you Adele.
“The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.” Completely agree Adele, great blog
Such a powerful blog Adele. The main topic is parenting but your key message is that we have to focus first on the relationship with our selves, other relationship will follow beautifully there after. So true. I am still learning this, to focus on the relationship with me first, on not acting on needs.
Adele I can relate to what you share without being a parent myself. I am learning that when I can hold another in true love there is an allowing of them to be. There is no need to control them or the situation, no hardness. I can lovingly correct another if needed but if it isn’t for their growth than I need to ask myself “Am I imposing my needs on them?” When I don’t hold another in equalness and love I am easily reactive, am wanting to control and feel hard in my chest. My relationship with me determines the quality of how I relate to others.
Powerful blog Adele. I have found parenting is definitely a button pusher that exposes the strength of my commitment to self love and by extension, genuine love for others, as opposed to a ‘needy’ love. Thank you – you have given me plenty to reflect on as I go about my day and interact with family.
Thank you Adele, for such a clear redefinition of what responsibility is “Being who I am”. I have long lived under the false idea and belief that being responsible meant doing things for other people. Being able to be truly present with our children and support them by role modelling true responsibility goes a long way in raising them and supports them to make self-loving choices.
Ultimately no one feels good about neediness, because in need to have someone or something fill us of what we don’t give to ourselves, is already a rejection we have towards ourselves. And no, any form of rejection of myself does not come from truth or love, even though it may feel more challenging (to the world) to choose glory, but there is always a tension we have to live with when we choose anything less.
And in the familial situation, the seed of need is planted so deep, and if we put a family relationship above any other relationship we have, that it is different or something we allow more leeway to because it is family, we are already rejecting the fullness of ourselves based on this need from birth. And we go through life identifying and justifying this capping of ourselves as normality. No, that would not be true and no thank you for the tension that comes with this arrangement.
This is a brilliant article Adele. The mother has such a powerful role in establishing true relationship with her children. In the case of sons in particular which you are discussing here,, a young boy who has an equal, true and loving relationship with his mother, based on respect, true expression and taking responsibility (and fun!) helps the boy grow into a young man who will also live that way with the partner he chooses to be with. Boys who have been in a dominating role with a needy mother will seek that kind of partnership when they grow older and so the old pattern of behaviour continues, to the detriment of the person and the human race.
Absolutely Lyndy, there is great responsibility of being a parent. Truth has to be expressed always, in understanding and connection, without the attachment in how eventually our children choose.
This quote is one that rings true for me “It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself.”
Thanks Adele, this is a blog I appreciate. As a non-custodial parent I realise despite being far away in a physical sense my connection to my son can still be overcome with heartfelt and ‘presence’ in love. The responsibility of being with love with myself rather than blame others, is where I am able to re-align my connection with my child – this is ultimately nurturing for all.
Beautifully expressed Andrew, how beautiful that your child is feeling the connection you have with yourself, and that is the connection on-going between the both of you.
Beautiful Adele – This blog perfectly illustrates how giving into another’s ‘needs’ destroys any opportunity for true connection.
That’s awesome Leonne, simple and so true.
Absolutely Leonne and Tim. Acknowledging where in life we are still held by needs opens up our true power.
Hello Adele, something that I really took note of in your blog was the statement “Without true love, there can be no true relationship”. This is so true and thank you for your writing
This is very inspiring. It all comes back to building a body of love with myself first. ‘ our patterns of behaviour are not who we are’ I am finally implementing this truth in a real way and poof the self judgment is gone. Awesome!
Beautifully put Laura. Good parenting is simply a side effect of building a body of love and living that first. It is like they say before plane take-off, ‘Parents, put on your oxygen masks first and then deal with the children’.
Adele such pure gold felt for this blog. “The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.” Such beautiful words and a perfect representation of what true love is. Thank you.
Re-reading your awesome blog Adele, these words stood out to me, as you speak about true loving parenting:’There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’
These are stupendous words about relationship. Less rules because the true authority of love is being expressed, less control because you are coming from love and not protection, and no need to harden when speaking because the flow of love is coming straight through. This is energetic integrity. So beautiful!!
Brilliant blog Adele, I love your honesty and insight. Very inspiring indeed. I have 2 young children and in the past 2 years my relationships with my children have gone to another level of understanding and appreciation. I realised some things were not working for me ask a parent and I took the responsibility to dig deep and looks at my hurts and what may be affecting my parenting. With the help of my Esoteric Practitioner, friends, loving support from my partner and commitment to making loving choices for myself. I changed my diet, and honoured my body as to when to go to bed and a natural rhythm began to appear. This changed everything, I was not exhausted and was able to be myself again around my children. By me making loving choices changed everything. Things began to flow easily, I am more equipped to deal with challenges without losing myself. I am able to just be myself and respond to my children with consistency and love.
So true Chan, being not exhausted helps a lot in our clarity of awareness, so as with everything in life, parenting requires a very supportive rhythm.
It indeed all comes back to the relationship with ourselves. So true. And beautiful to read how this relating to and loving yourself has turned around the conditioned relationship which you had with your son.
Very inspiring that you expose the elephant (in the room) of illusionary parenting that is based on needs and ideals, deconstructing the imprisonment of emotional-love-parenting and showing the way of true relationship with self and everyone else equally based on love. It really boosts my readiness to expand and evolve my depth of love and my relationships.
“Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love.” I love how you have expressed what true love is – to support our children to make loving choices for themselves rather than being the nice guy.
I love this Adele. Parenting is not one of the easiest jobs but what you are showing us here is that as parents and indeed anyone interacting with a young person, we have a responsibility to be fair, firm, self honouring and honest, as when we pander to another’s needs it doesn’t empower them, is very draining and won’t support them to become responsible adults.
Amazing Adele, it takes great honesty to admit that your relationship with your son was not based on true love, and then to commit to changing it. Many people identify parenting with giving their children everything, security, material things, education, but often the most important thing – being completely loved – gets lost in the picture, as do we as people before we are parents.
The word responsibility is all encompassing but also has many levels. I’ve noticed that my responsibility to myself, others and the world, evolves. It’s not that the ‘goal post’ move, but it is as if my eyes open up as I open up to responsibility.
Beautifully said, Matthew. Our awareness with regards to the ripple effect of everything we do, think and say keeps expanding out to be all-encompassing. This is a different perspective on life than most are willing to embrace.
Beginning to re-read your article Adele I was stopped by what you have exposed in your very first paragraph: “In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being”. This exposes what so many of us have done, and the way that we have, in the past ‘used’ people for our own needs, even though we would have possibly classed ourselves as someone who loved people and would never use them. I remember about 20 years ago, observing how I was ‘using’ a sales person in a shop to get what I wanted – I wasn’t being rude or demanding but I was aware that there was a ‘using’ and discarding feeling there. It was a revelation to me at the time, and still something I am onto. Thank you for your honesty Adele!
Such is the beauty and power of us as we express the truth from our own lived experiences.
Dearest Adele, I truly love your writing, always so open and honest.
Whether we are biological parents or not, what you speak of here applies to us all. I can so relate to having children to fill a loneliness, and also to trying to fit them into my own ideal of love. To have this comfortable and controlled perfect relationship, that in truth is not love at all. For me I feel this came from feeling so challenged by my other relationships and life in general, so I was looking to create something I could control and have the way I wanted it. This doesn’t leave any room for anyone to breath, or to be themselves, or to make mistakes. Today I am learning so much from being a parent and for choosing to take responsibility and to let go of this need to control but to just allow and accept more. Great blog.
Anna, beautifully shared and amazing that as we understand and accept ourselves so much more, then the truth of parenting becomes much more accessible, and it is nothing like we have known before or that this world is teaching us through its ideals and beliefs. We are all learning deeper the commitment to connecting with ourselves and consistently so.
A very beautiful and intimate sharing Adele. It highlights the simplicity of parenting when we get all of our “stuff” out of the way. Taking responsibility for ourselves, allowing our children to be who they are, understanding their behaviours and reactions, accepting all of them and remembering the deep love that they are and holding them with the deep love that we are. I find that whenever something comes up with my daughter, I now always look at myself first. Thank you.
Well expressed Simone, looking at ourselves first when things come up with our children–with deep understanding and acceptance, and this understanding and acceptance can also be felt by our children.
Changing ill behaviours and patterns in relationships requires us to be deeply honest with ourselves as a basic starting point. From there true relationships can develop.
Thank you Adele for sharing your blog on parenting , being prepared to live a loving relationship with self is opening to an expansive relationship of love with family friends and every one we meet , to see and treat equally your son as you would any other person or your self is liberating for all involved.
How true Paul that we compartmentalize our relationships when equality can’t be shared with one and not the other or all. This belief is so deeply entrenched in familial relationships, and all our relationships suffer when the relationship with self and family start in a place where truth is lacking.
An honourably amazing blog Adele. All that you have shared is most definitely about true relationships, and the dedication, honesty and indeed lightness that is a part of truly loving another – not from need or wanting our own ‘holes’ to be filled, but rather, from love (the real deal) which does not pander.
It feels as though there is a book to write on the development of your relationship with your son. One that would assist many parents (and people in any form of close relationship) to recognise just what doesn’t truly support ourselves and our children, and that however a ‘dynamic’ has been set up, it can be changed at any point. It’s all up to us.
Yes Victoria, a book about true parenting would be a great idea. Everyone wants to be a good parent, and to have wisdom like this to to go to and be inspired by (as well as one’s own heart) would be awesome.
Great idea Victoria! How true indeed that re-imprinting can be of any moment, and with honesty, understanding and appreciation we can get out of the way with a lot more ease.
I can relate to this sentence “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” I know that how I parent has been deeply supported by my commitment to developing relationship with myself and being honest.
I could so relate to filling the demands of others at the expense of myself. Until getting to a point of exhaustion did I then realise this pressure I put upon myself had to stop. What a difference taking responsibility back for how I live my life is making. It keeps coming back to making those self loving choices it just opens up a whole new way of ‘living’ and the effect is amazing with all those around us. Such an inspiring blog you have shared with us all Adele – thank you.
Wow Adele, you have shared beyond my imagination! This is a extraordinary piece of writing that takes me beyond the the blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’, providing an invitation to open my eyes ever wider to the patterns in my parenting – thank you.
Learning here with all the billions of mothers and parents on the globe Matilda!
Beautiful blog, once again Adele. I love the part you say that the relationships in your life are more than you ever imagined if we just chose true love as a way of living. I can clearly see that this is happening now in my life, and it feels it is just the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. I love these new relationships surfacing, and I love the love I feel for people deepening along the way.
Your very open and honest account of parenting from need and all that entails, and your recognition of this, and then your journey to a true relationship with your son is very inspiring indeed, thank you Adele.
You describe the shedding of the layers of wants and needs, ideals and beliefs in how to parent very honestly and without emotion – a true inspiration for others, whether they are a parent or not. It never ceases to amaze me what can happen and does invariably happen when we start taking responsibility and pull the plug on the myriad of dishonesties and lies in our everyday life.
It is deeply amazing to know Doug it is never too late for anyone to re-imprint the relationships with our children or with anyone for that matter. It is our part that we can always take more responsibility in, while respecting the other party their right to also choose.
Wow Adele, that’s an amazing blog full of wisdom, claiming true motherhood. I love how you expose the evil of the emotional need and dependency and how there is not an ounce of love in this way of relating to our children. Every parent should read your blog. It is so harming for the children and absolutely abusive and nobody calls it out – everybody justifies it as the care and love parents have for their children. Thank you Adele for calling it for what it is and claiming true motherhood to be the foundation for every child to be brought up on. Very awesome.
What a gift you are, Adele. You gave yourself back to you and in that completion you offer true love to your son and to the world. Ye-heah!
Ye-heah Felix! what a gift you bring with your words – “You gave yourself back to you and in that completion you offer true love to your son and to the world”.
Thank you Adele, for such an honest and inspiring sharing of the “before and after” parenting of your son. Oh to have had this to read when I became a parent instead of the books that just rattled off do and don’ts and didn’t actually help me to change anything. Like you I was a single parent for many years and know too well pandering to the children to make things, that were in the too hard basket, go away. Looking back I know that I did the best I could during some very testing situations, and I also realise now that so many of the challenges came from the fact that I did not love myself, my relationship with me was almost non-existent; I was way down the list of people to care for. “It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself.”
I have slowly been growing this loving relationship with me, and to begin with, my children, who are now adults, felt all they knew being threatened by this change in me as their childhood foundation was being rocked. After a few emotional exclamations of “where has my mother gone?”, they are now slowly accepting the changes – well most of the time – as they can see that my life is now much less stressful and much more enjoyable.
Adele you are truly an inspirational parent, to all those bringing up a child on their own.
I’ve been considering all you wrote, Adele since I first read this blog. What stands out most of all is how you show when we try to control and avoid confrontation, we lose our connection.
Thank you Adele, your sharing came at a perfect time for me, you have shared so much wisdom.
What really stood out for me was “even when I sometimes react to my son sometimes blaming me for something he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.”
Through what you have shared I feel it is possible for parents and their children to heal old patterns which may have been playing out for years. It takes a loving commitment to be open to healing whenever these opportunities present themselves. The reward is the freedom of knowing that self-love and self-acceptance is a balm that soothes away old hurts and opens the way to truer, more supportive relationships.
Wonderful to read that you have re-developed a loving relationship with your son. What came up for me was the mother – son relationship (or any close relationship for that matter). Many people find vices in activities to not feel their tension with life, however in this case you have clearly highlighted how people use each other as a vice. They can come in many shapes and forms, such as mother, son, employee, boss or teacher student. If the base of a relationship isn’t based on love then what is it based on? This is a question worth answering.
Adele, you have an amazing way of expressing the love that you are and the love you hold for everyone else. Your light, lights the way for us all to return to a one-unified way of being with everyone.
Adele, I have never read a more honest and truthful description of a ‘normal’ mother-son relationship. I have seen many such relationships but I have never seen them described so clearly, let alone by a mother in such a relationship!
‘I love this blog and you shared here some beautiful wisdom- one that stood out of me and let me ponder on: Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love.’ – this is the key to not react…. Thank you for this inspiration.
This is beautiful to read Adele, I have a young son and can relate to a lot of what you have written,’ less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’ I have become aware recently of how I can harden my body when ‘telling off’ my son and my voice changes and it feels horrible, I am learning to stay with my fragility and sensitivity and express from here and it feels lovely, I am becoming aware that there is no need for raising my voice or making my body hard, this simply does not work for my son or me.
Being a parent myself, I can relate to so much that you have shared here Adele. Sometimes love means saying a firm ‘no’ to our children. What you have written does not only relate to parenting, but also to any relationships that we have. This line stood out for me “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” I am continuing to learn how fundamental and vitally important it is to develop that loving relationship with ourselves first.
Beautiful Adele. It’s great how you have pointed out that the interaction between parents and children pave the way for future interactions for that child. Bring a bit more care and responsibility with parenting gets you to see it in a different light… Living the way we think we ‘should be’ is a killer.. the way you have explained the foundation of any true relationship is the way to go.
Beautiful Adele thank you for sharing so honestly your life and the amazing changes with your relationship with your son, your self and everyone through true love and the inspiration of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine in this.
Responsibility in being a parent truly lovingly is so vital to the world today in its emptiness – this writing is a real gift.
Adele, thank you for your expression of parenting. I can feel I have a lot to learn about parenting so hearing your experience is incredibly valuable. I’m so appreciative I have people like you around me – the support in the reflection you bring is so needed by all of humanity too.
No matter how young or old we are, we can start parenting ourselves and give ourselves the love that we know is possible. There is nothing greater than the warmth of self love and appreciation we can give ourselves that serves not only ourselves, but our children and many other people we meet.
Adele your blog is so honest in how parenting is not easy but is not so hard if we make choices to care for ourselves and identify where our needs still remain in our relationships. I love the way you noted there is no perfection just constant learning.
Adele, you have so beautifully put into words much of what I have experienced with my son. I have always wanted harmony in my family but have learnt to compromise the expression of truth and true love to have the false appearance of harmony. Recently thanks to the support of Universal Medicine practitioners and their willingness to express the truth no matter what, I have had to take a good look at how I was parenting. I realise the biggest responsibility we have is to keep reflecting truth and love, so our kids can choose that for themselves. If we don’t present it who else will they see it from? This is the foundation we have a responsibility to give them. It’s that simple.
What you have expressed here Adele is so clear and inspiring to read. These are the sorts of articles we should be reading in women’s magazines. Parenting from self-responsibility rather than neediness so that we can build true relationships…its certainly a game changer and as you say it starts with ourselves and then can be shared with others.
This blog is filled with truly lived wisdom and therefor an undeniable inspiration for everyone. You expose the games we silently agree to play to stay in a comfortable relation. And not only as parents but with so many other relationships as well.
Adele, this is an absolutely gorgeous, open and honest blog about your relationship with your son. The love between you is palpable and the changes you brought about are enormous. Thank you for sharing this very relatable relationship here with us.
Wow Adele, your blog really does say it all about true parenting.
I love how you show us your journey going from doing anything to appease your son and avoid the emotion explosions, to being true to both yourself and your son and then connecting to a deep, committed and truly loving and equal relationship.
I love the amazing evolution of your relationship with your son, so beautifully described here. Children still know love. It’s up to us adults to remember and honour what love truly is – it’s not ‘soft’ parenting and allowing the children everything, indulging them, but guiding them and reminding them of who they truly are. This means we as adults need to know and claim who we truly are; children are a great reflection. And they do as the parents do, not as they say : ).
Wow, your honesty is so awesome Adele. “Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted.” How many children are parented this way because of a need from the parent? You bring much awareness to the art of parenthood!
Thanks Adele for your inspiring honesty. In my experience, the children who have parents who say no rather than pander to their children’s wants at will, live with more harmony than those who are given everything they think they want or need. They reach a level of knowing they don’t need things set up in a particular way to feel ok. There is much freedom in that alone.
Another beautiful sharing Adele. Wonderful to feel how the development of intimacy with yourself, of expressing truth and taking responsibility has of course rippled out into your relationship with your son. A gorgeous confirmation that when we sacrifice ourselves as Mothers as so many women do that we are cheating not only ourselves but our children from experiencing the fullness of who we are.
Adele this is great. Your insights into what just might be a common trap around the decision to have a child – to fill a void and meet your own needs – are honest and inspiring. Thank you.
This absolutely struck a chord with me – having children as the next attempt to fix myself from the outside. But also the inspiration that even though that was the original impulse, every day with my children provides opportunities for fresh review and growth.
That is so true Matilda, however our relationship began with our children or anyone for that matter, we can re-imprint them with more awareness, and any relationship is a constellation for more growth, how inspiring life is.
Beautifully expressed. Even when the impulse originally came from a need to fill an emptiness, this can be re-imprinted and new growth and awareness brought forth. Showing us that relationships and life are a constant evolution