I have lived with and raised my son on my own for the majority of the last 8 of the 11 years of his life and have been learning that the responsibility of being a parent is not what I first thought it was.
My Son and I and Being a Parent
In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being. Therefore, with the birth of my son, I proceeded to construct a life between us that protected what was my ‘ideal of love’.
For me being loved meant being understood; therefore whenever I felt I was not understood, I would use this as an excuse to isolate from the world and focus entirely on making the relationship with my son to be everything that I needed.
Instead of taking up the responsibilities of being a parent, I would make sure no conflicts existed between us; I would pander to all my son’s demands and more often than not, fulfill them. Indeed the relationship between my son and I seemed harmonious on the surface because he would always get what he wanted.
For example, I would let him have his dinner while watching TV, so there was no true communication every time we ate, or I allowed him to indulge in excessive video game playing because I had to work, even though this made him aggressive and bad tempered. I would go all out in all ways to appease any potential conflict.
Even though I knew that a lot of the choices he made did not support his true well-being, I still allowed them because then I did not have to deal with his explosive emotions of not getting what he wanted. This created a very destructive cycle of behaviour between us.
There was no true harmony within our relationship or in being a parent, as I needed my son to fit into my way of life and offer me company. Very soon he knew he could ask me for anything because of what my needs were. I started to realise that the relationship between my son and I was no different from any close relationship I have had with others, especially with men.
However, eventually the grief of filling another’s demands at the expense of myself could no longer be ignored. The pain of ignoring how I truly felt in many everyday situations and not expressing my truth got too immense. Every single day I was living with a deep sadness that would explode into crying episodes once in a while. I was never completely free from this grief, no matter what I tried.
Taking Self Responsibility: Building a True Relationship with my Son
The blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’ slowly dropped away through a very deep level of honesty and self-responsibility that was re-introduced into my life. With the support of Universal Medicine, taking self-responsibility became the turning point in my life, in my patterns of behaviour and in the way I parented. Subsequently I have started to live (rather than escaping from) what I always felt deep inside of me and what my heart has always known. That is:
The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.
It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself. This in turn affected my relationship with not only my son and the way I parented him, but with everyone.
The foundation of any true relationship begins with the responsibility of living who we are, rather than living in a way we think we ‘should be’.
The committing to self-responsibility and true love has changed many of the momentums and patterns of behaviour that were controlling my life. After eleven years of being a mother I have finally become a truly responsible parent, without perfection. There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.
For example, even when I feel I sometimes react to my son blaming me for something that he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.
I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others. How truly honest, open and loving a relationship is between parents and children will influence how our children are in their relationships as adults throughout their lives.
My son used to always say when he was younger: “Mommy I love you more than you can ever imagine.” Now I realise the truth of this sentence and what a true relationship is. What I also realise is, when true love is our commitment – and remembering that our patterns of behaviour are not who we are – then not only how I love my son, but how I am in relationship with all others is more than I could have ever imagined.
Inspired by Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine for forever opening and deepening my knowing and living of the true love that I am.
By Adele Leung, Fashion stylist/Art director, Hong Kong
Related Reading, Building True Relationships and Responsible Parenting
557 Comments
Such a powerful blog Adele. The main topic is parenting but your key message is that we have to focus first on the relationship with our selves, other relationship will follow beautifully there after. So true. I am still learning this, to focus on the relationship with me first, on not acting on needs.
Adele I can relate to what you share without being a parent myself. I am learning that when I can hold another in true love there is an allowing of them to be. There is no need to control them or the situation, no hardness. I can lovingly correct another if needed but if it isn’t for their growth than I need to ask myself “Am I imposing my needs on them?” When I don’t hold another in equalness and love I am easily reactive, am wanting to control and feel hard in my chest. My relationship with me determines the quality of how I relate to others.
Powerful blog Adele. I have found parenting is definitely a button pusher that exposes the strength of my commitment to self love and by extension, genuine love for others, as opposed to a ‘needy’ love. Thank you – you have given me plenty to reflect on as I go about my day and interact with family.
Thank you Adele, for such a clear redefinition of what responsibility is “Being who I am”. I have long lived under the false idea and belief that being responsible meant doing things for other people. Being able to be truly present with our children and support them by role modelling true responsibility goes a long way in raising them and supports them to make self-loving choices.
Ultimately no one feels good about neediness, because in need to have someone or something fill us of what we don’t give to ourselves, is already a rejection we have towards ourselves. And no, any form of rejection of myself does not come from truth or love, even though it may feel more challenging (to the world) to choose glory, but there is always a tension we have to live with when we choose anything less.
And in the familial situation, the seed of need is planted so deep, and if we put a family relationship above any other relationship we have, that it is different or something we allow more leeway to because it is family, we are already rejecting the fullness of ourselves based on this need from birth. And we go through life identifying and justifying this capping of ourselves as normality. No, that would not be true and no thank you for the tension that comes with this arrangement.
This is a brilliant article Adele. The mother has such a powerful role in establishing true relationship with her children. In the case of sons in particular which you are discussing here,, a young boy who has an equal, true and loving relationship with his mother, based on respect, true expression and taking responsibility (and fun!) helps the boy grow into a young man who will also live that way with the partner he chooses to be with. Boys who have been in a dominating role with a needy mother will seek that kind of partnership when they grow older and so the old pattern of behaviour continues, to the detriment of the person and the human race.
Absolutely Lyndy, there is great responsibility of being a parent. Truth has to be expressed always, in understanding and connection, without the attachment in how eventually our children choose.
This quote is one that rings true for me “It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself.”
Thanks Adele, this is a blog I appreciate. As a non-custodial parent I realise despite being far away in a physical sense my connection to my son can still be overcome with heartfelt and ‘presence’ in love. The responsibility of being with love with myself rather than blame others, is where I am able to re-align my connection with my child – this is ultimately nurturing for all.
Beautifully expressed Andrew, how beautiful that your child is feeling the connection you have with yourself, and that is the connection on-going between the both of you.
Beautiful Adele – This blog perfectly illustrates how giving into another’s ‘needs’ destroys any opportunity for true connection.
That’s awesome Leonne, simple and so true.
Absolutely Leonne and Tim. Acknowledging where in life we are still held by needs opens up our true power.
Hello Adele, something that I really took note of in your blog was the statement “Without true love, there can be no true relationship”. This is so true and thank you for your writing
This is very inspiring. It all comes back to building a body of love with myself first. ‘ our patterns of behaviour are not who we are’ I am finally implementing this truth in a real way and poof the self judgment is gone. Awesome!
Beautifully put Laura. Good parenting is simply a side effect of building a body of love and living that first. It is like they say before plane take-off, ‘Parents, put on your oxygen masks first and then deal with the children’.
Adele such pure gold felt for this blog. “The heart simply knows that true love is not from need, and without true love, there can be no true relationship.” Such beautiful words and a perfect representation of what true love is. Thank you.
Re-reading your awesome blog Adele, these words stood out to me, as you speak about true loving parenting:’There is a freedom with this that I had never experienced before; less rules, less control, rarely raising of my voice or hardening of my body when speaking, but also no holding back in expressing lovingly what is truly felt.’
These are stupendous words about relationship. Less rules because the true authority of love is being expressed, less control because you are coming from love and not protection, and no need to harden when speaking because the flow of love is coming straight through. This is energetic integrity. So beautiful!!
Brilliant blog Adele, I love your honesty and insight. Very inspiring indeed. I have 2 young children and in the past 2 years my relationships with my children have gone to another level of understanding and appreciation. I realised some things were not working for me ask a parent and I took the responsibility to dig deep and looks at my hurts and what may be affecting my parenting. With the help of my Esoteric Practitioner, friends, loving support from my partner and commitment to making loving choices for myself. I changed my diet, and honoured my body as to when to go to bed and a natural rhythm began to appear. This changed everything, I was not exhausted and was able to be myself again around my children. By me making loving choices changed everything. Things began to flow easily, I am more equipped to deal with challenges without losing myself. I am able to just be myself and respond to my children with consistency and love.
So true Chan, being not exhausted helps a lot in our clarity of awareness, so as with everything in life, parenting requires a very supportive rhythm.
It indeed all comes back to the relationship with ourselves. So true. And beautiful to read how this relating to and loving yourself has turned around the conditioned relationship which you had with your son.
Very inspiring that you expose the elephant (in the room) of illusionary parenting that is based on needs and ideals, deconstructing the imprisonment of emotional-love-parenting and showing the way of true relationship with self and everyone else equally based on love. It really boosts my readiness to expand and evolve my depth of love and my relationships.
“Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love.” I love how you have expressed what true love is – to support our children to make loving choices for themselves rather than being the nice guy.
I love this Adele. Parenting is not one of the easiest jobs but what you are showing us here is that as parents and indeed anyone interacting with a young person, we have a responsibility to be fair, firm, self honouring and honest, as when we pander to another’s needs it doesn’t empower them, is very draining and won’t support them to become responsible adults.
Amazing Adele, it takes great honesty to admit that your relationship with your son was not based on true love, and then to commit to changing it. Many people identify parenting with giving their children everything, security, material things, education, but often the most important thing – being completely loved – gets lost in the picture, as do we as people before we are parents.
The word responsibility is all encompassing but also has many levels. I’ve noticed that my responsibility to myself, others and the world, evolves. It’s not that the ‘goal post’ move, but it is as if my eyes open up as I open up to responsibility.
Beautifully said, Matthew. Our awareness with regards to the ripple effect of everything we do, think and say keeps expanding out to be all-encompassing. This is a different perspective on life than most are willing to embrace.
Beginning to re-read your article Adele I was stopped by what you have exposed in your very first paragraph: “In the beginning, the relationship between my son and I was based on need. One of the reasons I became a mother was because I thought having a child would ease the constant loneliness I felt as a human being”. This exposes what so many of us have done, and the way that we have, in the past ‘used’ people for our own needs, even though we would have possibly classed ourselves as someone who loved people and would never use them. I remember about 20 years ago, observing how I was ‘using’ a sales person in a shop to get what I wanted – I wasn’t being rude or demanding but I was aware that there was a ‘using’ and discarding feeling there. It was a revelation to me at the time, and still something I am onto. Thank you for your honesty Adele!
Such is the beauty and power of us as we express the truth from our own lived experiences.
Dearest Adele, I truly love your writing, always so open and honest.
Whether we are biological parents or not, what you speak of here applies to us all. I can so relate to having children to fill a loneliness, and also to trying to fit them into my own ideal of love. To have this comfortable and controlled perfect relationship, that in truth is not love at all. For me I feel this came from feeling so challenged by my other relationships and life in general, so I was looking to create something I could control and have the way I wanted it. This doesn’t leave any room for anyone to breath, or to be themselves, or to make mistakes. Today I am learning so much from being a parent and for choosing to take responsibility and to let go of this need to control but to just allow and accept more. Great blog.
Anna, beautifully shared and amazing that as we understand and accept ourselves so much more, then the truth of parenting becomes much more accessible, and it is nothing like we have known before or that this world is teaching us through its ideals and beliefs. We are all learning deeper the commitment to connecting with ourselves and consistently so.
A very beautiful and intimate sharing Adele. It highlights the simplicity of parenting when we get all of our “stuff” out of the way. Taking responsibility for ourselves, allowing our children to be who they are, understanding their behaviours and reactions, accepting all of them and remembering the deep love that they are and holding them with the deep love that we are. I find that whenever something comes up with my daughter, I now always look at myself first. Thank you.
Well expressed Simone, looking at ourselves first when things come up with our children–with deep understanding and acceptance, and this understanding and acceptance can also be felt by our children.
Changing ill behaviours and patterns in relationships requires us to be deeply honest with ourselves as a basic starting point. From there true relationships can develop.
Thank you Adele for sharing your blog on parenting , being prepared to live a loving relationship with self is opening to an expansive relationship of love with family friends and every one we meet , to see and treat equally your son as you would any other person or your self is liberating for all involved.
How true Paul that we compartmentalize our relationships when equality can’t be shared with one and not the other or all. This belief is so deeply entrenched in familial relationships, and all our relationships suffer when the relationship with self and family start in a place where truth is lacking.
An honourably amazing blog Adele. All that you have shared is most definitely about true relationships, and the dedication, honesty and indeed lightness that is a part of truly loving another – not from need or wanting our own ‘holes’ to be filled, but rather, from love (the real deal) which does not pander.
It feels as though there is a book to write on the development of your relationship with your son. One that would assist many parents (and people in any form of close relationship) to recognise just what doesn’t truly support ourselves and our children, and that however a ‘dynamic’ has been set up, it can be changed at any point. It’s all up to us.
Yes Victoria, a book about true parenting would be a great idea. Everyone wants to be a good parent, and to have wisdom like this to to go to and be inspired by (as well as one’s own heart) would be awesome.
Great idea Victoria! How true indeed that re-imprinting can be of any moment, and with honesty, understanding and appreciation we can get out of the way with a lot more ease.
I can relate to this sentence “I have found that the true responsibility of being a parent eventually comes back to our relationship with ourselves first and then with others.” I know that how I parent has been deeply supported by my commitment to developing relationship with myself and being honest.
I could so relate to filling the demands of others at the expense of myself. Until getting to a point of exhaustion did I then realise this pressure I put upon myself had to stop. What a difference taking responsibility back for how I live my life is making. It keeps coming back to making those self loving choices it just opens up a whole new way of ‘living’ and the effect is amazing with all those around us. Such an inspiring blog you have shared with us all Adele – thank you.
Wow Adele, you have shared beyond my imagination! This is a extraordinary piece of writing that takes me beyond the the blinding force of my ‘ideal of love’, providing an invitation to open my eyes ever wider to the patterns in my parenting – thank you.
Learning here with all the billions of mothers and parents on the globe Matilda!
Beautiful blog, once again Adele. I love the part you say that the relationships in your life are more than you ever imagined if we just chose true love as a way of living. I can clearly see that this is happening now in my life, and it feels it is just the beginning, the tip of the iceberg. I love these new relationships surfacing, and I love the love I feel for people deepening along the way.
Your very open and honest account of parenting from need and all that entails, and your recognition of this, and then your journey to a true relationship with your son is very inspiring indeed, thank you Adele.
You describe the shedding of the layers of wants and needs, ideals and beliefs in how to parent very honestly and without emotion – a true inspiration for others, whether they are a parent or not. It never ceases to amaze me what can happen and does invariably happen when we start taking responsibility and pull the plug on the myriad of dishonesties and lies in our everyday life.
It is deeply amazing to know Doug it is never too late for anyone to re-imprint the relationships with our children or with anyone for that matter. It is our part that we can always take more responsibility in, while respecting the other party their right to also choose.
Wow Adele, that’s an amazing blog full of wisdom, claiming true motherhood. I love how you expose the evil of the emotional need and dependency and how there is not an ounce of love in this way of relating to our children. Every parent should read your blog. It is so harming for the children and absolutely abusive and nobody calls it out – everybody justifies it as the care and love parents have for their children. Thank you Adele for calling it for what it is and claiming true motherhood to be the foundation for every child to be brought up on. Very awesome.
What a gift you are, Adele. You gave yourself back to you and in that completion you offer true love to your son and to the world. Ye-heah!
Ye-heah Felix! what a gift you bring with your words – “You gave yourself back to you and in that completion you offer true love to your son and to the world”.
Thank you Adele, for such an honest and inspiring sharing of the “before and after” parenting of your son. Oh to have had this to read when I became a parent instead of the books that just rattled off do and don’ts and didn’t actually help me to change anything. Like you I was a single parent for many years and know too well pandering to the children to make things, that were in the too hard basket, go away. Looking back I know that I did the best I could during some very testing situations, and I also realise now that so many of the challenges came from the fact that I did not love myself, my relationship with me was almost non-existent; I was way down the list of people to care for. “It was very exposing and painful to admit initially that I had never lived a truly loving relationship with myself.”
I have slowly been growing this loving relationship with me, and to begin with, my children, who are now adults, felt all they knew being threatened by this change in me as their childhood foundation was being rocked. After a few emotional exclamations of “where has my mother gone?”, they are now slowly accepting the changes – well most of the time – as they can see that my life is now much less stressful and much more enjoyable.
Adele you are truly an inspirational parent, to all those bringing up a child on their own.
I’ve been considering all you wrote, Adele since I first read this blog. What stands out most of all is how you show when we try to control and avoid confrontation, we lose our connection.
Thank you Adele, your sharing came at a perfect time for me, you have shared so much wisdom.
What really stood out for me was “even when I sometimes react to my son sometimes blaming me for something he feels I’m responsible for, I can now stop myself and not take it personally or judge him or myself for this. Remembering how much I love him allows me to go to a deeper understanding of him and his situation. With that I hold him in true love. He in turn feels that acceptance and understanding and often surprises me by letting go and returning to being his true loving self.”
Through what you have shared I feel it is possible for parents and their children to heal old patterns which may have been playing out for years. It takes a loving commitment to be open to healing whenever these opportunities present themselves. The reward is the freedom of knowing that self-love and self-acceptance is a balm that soothes away old hurts and opens the way to truer, more supportive relationships.
Wonderful to read that you have re-developed a loving relationship with your son. What came up for me was the mother – son relationship (or any close relationship for that matter). Many people find vices in activities to not feel their tension with life, however in this case you have clearly highlighted how people use each other as a vice. They can come in many shapes and forms, such as mother, son, employee, boss or teacher student. If the base of a relationship isn’t based on love then what is it based on? This is a question worth answering.