Ever since I was young, family was everything.
From the moment I was born, the first others I felt and saw were my family. I was the first-born child on both my mother’s and father’s side – and there was much celebration and many photo shoots, family gatherings and doting, just about me. From the very beginning, I was deeply loved and cared for. From my Mum and Dad, aunties and uncles to the grandparents, I took centre stage. Every move was watched, every word spoken and heard. I was the golden child with everything laid at my feet. With all of this attention, there was nothing I could do that was wrong.
With all the fussing came something underlying. I felt exalted, not just from being me, but for what it was I could do. I was the one others could tell their friends about and boast to their neighbours about. I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives. In all this, the expectations were enormous. The first-born baby and a son, too. What would become of me? Would I become a builder like my grandfathers? Maybe an engineer? Maybe I was so intelligent that I could become a doctor or lawyer? This would make everyone proud, to see the first-born son become something great.
I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way. If I smiled on cue, did things that made people laugh and did all the things that pleased them, there was much in it for me. I could get my needs met at the drop of a hat and all the attention I wanted.
This was all rosy, with it all going my way; I had it made, or so I thought. But next came something that really rocked my little bubble – along came some brothers and then sisters and I was no longer ‘the one.’ Now there were others that were smaller and cuter and who got all the attention. How could I compete with this?
There was no amount of looking brighter or being better that could compete with what I was up against, so by trial and error I found what worked for me was going into my shell. In the withdrawal, the attention came again; not in the form previously, but nevertheless it was there and at this stage of the game I would take whatever I could get. My family would say “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sad? Would you like this or that to cheer you up?” Again, the game was on.
With this way, I learned that I could manage life quite well. I could get all the attention I needed by not engaging with life, by disconnecting from the world and waiting for others to connect with me. My move was strategically planned and fail-safe, or so I thought.
As I got older, into my teenage years, I discovered that not everyone wanted to be around someone so withdrawn. I often felt isolated and alone. For a long time I lived like this, knowing all along that there must be more. Things didn’t add up. Surely there must be more to life than the constant merry-go-round of seeking recognition from others in this way.
It took going through a family breakup and the support of Universal Medicine practitioners for me to realise that the way I had set things up was causing the problem.
From there, what I started to feel was my own connection within. The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others. For the first time in a long time, I was feeling what I knew deep down to be me. It had been there all along – I just chose to not connect within to my own essence.
Bit by bit I realised that with this connection with myself, I could also connect with others in a different way than I was used to. I felt I could let go of trying to be a certain way and be me, without the concern of what others might think. I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.
When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.
This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.
By Chris Vale, Mechanical Fitter/Welder, Bunbury, Western Australia
Further Reading:
Acceptance
Packaging and Opening Us Up
Returning to our essence
Chris this is a very interesting blog to read as I could not imagine what it must have been like to be the center of attention within a family. And from this blog I can feel that we are given many lessons in life. If we can look at the lessons to see what we can draw from them to assists us to deepen our awareness of ourselves and of life then we will be walking the footsteps back to our soul which we separated from aeons ago to indulge in the false paradise we call life.
“it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am” The art of true parenting of others and ourselves.
Finding our True connection and living in a way that continually supports our essences is so simple and takes all the trying to be something that we are not, out of the equation, as you have shared Chris.
Our inner connection is our steady truth that holds us regardless of the circumstances.
I am discovering that we set things up in life to go wrong then we can blame life, someone else or God; we seem to avoid taking any responsibility for our own mess. And this is what I got from your blog Chris that you knew exactly what you were doing being manipulative to get your own way and when it didn’t work you withdrew from life. So this is another brilliant blog to discuss the how and why we do this to the detriment of our own health and wellbeing.
“This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.” So true, stopping to come back to ourselves when we lose it makes such a massive difference. This should be known by everyone and taught in schools…
“The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from other.” Beautifully expressed Chris. When we feel settled and content within it matters not what others say or do – still on a learning curve with this one tho…
Connection with our innermost, our essence, does help with our steadiness, ‘I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.’
Lorraine I agree with you because of a recent experience after Sacred movement. I can now feel such a strong sense of settlement in my body it feels like an anchor keeping my feet on the ground. I feel a bond with the universe that I haven’t felt for lifetimes.
As parents, we need to understand that there is a lot going on for a child when a sibling comes along. When my eldest met her sibling for the first time I saw a change in her that was to be played out for years to come. Although they were very close as children there was jealousy on both accounts.
“Ever since I was young, family was everything” – yes, I can say that was the same for me as well Chris and equally that it remains the case today, though today my family is simply anyone in my life who lives the joy of love to make my current family much larger than it ever was when born into my nuclear one consisting of two parents and siblings. Love swells the numbers on everything.
This is so simple but I have found makes all of the difference and allows a freedom and joy to be felt; ‘I felt I could let go of trying to be a certain way and be me, without the concern of what others might think.’
Chris, I love your honesty in this article, thank you for sharing. This makes sense and is really helpful; ‘I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.’
Yes, the honesty and responsibility is lovely to feel, and needed as part of our healing, ‘It took going through a family breakup and the support of Universal Medicine practitioners for me to realise that the way I had set things up was causing the problem.’
It is beautiful to come back to this Chris and feel how powerful our connection to our essence is in guiding us to live the truth of who we are, the love we are which is everything that is needed in this world today.
Its so revealing to come to understand that it is our own disconnection from ourselves and what we know to be true that is what causes us to withdraw and feel alone and isolated from others. Nobody makes us do this, it is something we make a choice to do ourselves.
So true Sandra. Our choices have consequences. If we are open to seeing them then we can make different choices – and of course different outcomes occur as a result.
Re-developing our inner connection is a forever deepening process. I can ‘think’ there is conscious presence with my body and then my body exposes just how erroneous thought is!
I was not so aware how harm-full it is to withdraw from life / me / others. The more you commit to life and yourself the more you understand that you are creating a great force of separation between everyone.
It seems to me Rik that the more we become aware and commit to life the more there is a force that comes at us and drip feeds the separation because that’s the last thing it wants – someone committed to life – to be committed to life is to commit to everyone. Hence this constant pull to keep everyone in separation.
The beauty of this is that indeed the growth never stands still — as our love doesn’t. How enormous is that ?
More and more these days, when I feel hurt or slighted by what is going on around me, I take it as an opportunity to give a moment to my relationship with myself, knowing that if this is strong then I am not at the mercy of life’s challenges.
I love this blog Chris as there is such humbleness and healing in being honest and admitting our true feelings.
Simply put any type of ill mental health is because we have lost that inner connection.
Lose our inner connection and its like taking a life line away to sanity.
Ahh the games we play – from recognition to withdrawal and all the ways in between that we try to gather up something else to fill the emptiness inside. I’ve tried a few, but interestingly the one that has always been missing is and I refuse to give a constant attention to is to just be myself. To allow myself to fill from the inside. So ridiculously simple, and always there on offer!
Thank you Chris. I love the truth and simplicity you present for us to be who we are – nothing to strive for or attain – just to be!
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am”.
When we feel rejected we are in reaction, great to clock this and come back to the bigger picture to understand what’s going on, and then drop the reaction and appreciate what is actually unfolding and allow ourselves to grow from the experience…..coming back to the love that we are and expressing from that place.
Really what ever we go through in life there is an inner connection always there to connect to when and if we choose.
This is gorgeous Chris. A relationship without self judgement, criticism, self beratment, condemnation and instead one of understanding, love, holding, deep appreciation and absolute surrender is indeed a healthy one.
This is a great example of how parents and other adults can have such a huge affect on how a child grows up, but we can’t blame the adults as they are only living how they were raised, and their parents before them. As you show so clearly, a young child is, in most cases, honoured for what they do and not who they are so it is not surprising they begin to lose the connection to their inner true essence. But it is never too late to reconnect back to that beautiful and innocent child and to begin to live life once again from this joy-filled place.
If we are honest we could all make a list of the things we did as a child to get attention and found that they either worked due to negative attention or positive but either way, it’s all the same thing and the list is endless.
I agree when we are not met for all that we are then we look outside for some sort of recognition but being recognised is not anywhere near the same as being met for the all that we are. And so many people go through their life not being met and so live in that unsettlement that no distraction, recognition can ever make up for it is a temporary filling at best.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.”
This is gorgeous – it is absolutely everything to have that deep honest relationship with oneself, for if we don’t we lose out on what is truly important in life.
Thank you for being so honest about the way you developed the attention games through your childhood. It makes absolute sense to me and brings great understanding into the way we end up as contorted versions of ourselves.
So important to recognise all the cues we are giving our kids – they don’t tend to listen much to the words, but they are clocking every move we make and that is the example they take with them, that educates them. So if its all about what we recognise in them, or judgement, etc… or we allow them to be themselves and to grow up with that just getting bigger and bigger. Nothing better than that.
Beautiful Chris – if we feel ourselves feeling rejected and looking to withdraw it’s not the time to give up but stop and understand that we have simply lost our connection with our brilliance within.
The truth is we are all the One! and when we do not feel this or our not connected to the truth within that is when we look outside of ourselves for others to fill a void or gap we are feeling (to make us feel better about ourselves and life), so I am wondering if your family was content, connected and deeply appreciated who they were maybe you would then not feel any expectations of what you had to do or be to make them laugh or smile. We have so much to learn when it comes to relationships particularly the one with ourselves.
Very true Elizabeth, living in harmony with ourselves sets a foundation with which to live our lives. Master living the harmony within and then we live in harmony with everyone and everything.
When I am living in a way that is true to me, I am content and nothing can get in to throw me off track. By having the awareness of what is being said or any movement that does not come from love, supports me to hold steady knowing where it has come from and the purpose behind it. Every moment is an offering to appreciate and deepen the love for myself.
Wow, you have really made it clear just how much pressure we can place on to your children, even such a young age, just by dotting and fussing over them, which in many cultures is a way of showing love and affection, but actually what you are saying and showing by example is how this could be the beginnings of a person not knowing themselves in the stillness of their own inner-heart.
Too true – scary how early that pressure gets applied, right from the first need for a smile when we are babies.
So simple and gorgeous to read Chris, thank you for sharing, the games we play looking everywhere outside of us to be loved, when as you have found all you ever wanted is there right inside you all along.
The games we play to quell our need for recognition, our need for being individuals who are just a little bit different, a little special are endless and they come in all of the varieties which we like to identify with.
A beautiful sharing and appreciation for yourself and the love you truly are . It brings an understanding and responsibility to us all to live in connection to our essence and asks nothing but for us to simply be who we are.
A very honest account of what happens to us when we rely on confirmation from the outside world that we are okay, that we have a place in this world and deserve to be cherished and loved – just for being us.
‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for.’ This is very, very beautiful.
This is a beautiful blog Chris and it is reminding us that our relationship with ourselves is forever there for us to deepen and cherish. Without first deeply connecting to ourselves we would find it very difficult to deeply connect to others. Our relationships are never separate, because the one we have with ourselves is equally as important as the one we have with others.
Shows how much we manipulate and cover up the situations before us to not reveal we are the ones causing them to be that way in the first place. It takes a lot of deep honesty to break through this.
Thank you Chris for sharing your experience. I can so relate to your words as this was my experience also. Being the first born girl with three younger siblings I also withdrew from a very young age. I carried this through into my adult life, often feeling isolated and closed off from people not realising it was ME that was doing the shutting off. It was through Universal Medicine that I found the truth of who I am and from that first encounter realised that I had to take responsibility for my life, heal my childhood hurts and stop blaming. Life is awesome now and like you I am developing my inner connection, opening up to people and letting them in and it feels amazing and quite frankly, oh so simple.
The whole world misses out when we withdraw however when we realise that there is a quality that we can connect to that supports us to deepen in love, a quality that we can feel in our bodies and one that we can build on day by day we can work with that and know that what we bring to the world is our essence. No need for comparison or competition – we are, in truth, all equal and it is up to us to live, as soulfully as we can, our own expression .
Thank you Chris for sharing so beautifully how it is through our connection to who we are within that we discover what is means to truly belong, to a love that is out of this world and deep beyond measure, where we do not need to be anything else or do anything other than just be our ever-deepening selves.
Love this Carola, realising that we are not just human, we are multi-dimensional beings takes away the striving for anything on the outside of ourselves and allowing that deep connection within to come to the surface and shine out for all to see.
Brilliant Carola, beautifully expressed and this highlights how simple and joyful life can be. There is no need for control or fear when we connect to who we are, to live and express from our essence is a blessing to us all.
Which means that we are not after recognition and acceptance at every turn of the corner any longer and free to be who we truly are.
Thank you Chris for your honest account. We all have patterns of behaviours that hold us back from claiming our inner selves. To understand that there is actually another force at play for now unseen that is attempting to stop us all from claiming what we know to be true. And for the majority of us human beings if we were told this as a fact we wouldn’t believe it.
This is very beautiful to read. I’m reminded of any set up whereby we are applauded for what we do and we go for this attention instead of feeling our connection to our essence within. Like prima ballerina’s who are up and coming but then are moved out of the limelight when their abilities wane. Or actors who no longer get the roles. Without connection to our essence this must be a very painful experience.
Very beautiful Chris, it allows me to feel my own foundation and also the areas where I have not held steady and created problems which led to me feeling empty and needing approval or recognition by my surrounding.
Well captured, equally to feel that in fact indeed we are set by our foundation to come back to.. So the stronger our connection is continuously, the greater the come back and rock solidness of your truth. Thank you for this clear viewS
What a set up from young. Getting a lot of attention for just being born and then being replaced by others – this must be how all first-born children feel. Then what often happens, the firstborn is asked to look after the younger siblings. We need to have conversations with our children about valuing themselves for who they are and not seek recognition for what they do.
‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.’ Wow this is huge Chris and a beautiful example of how building that connection with oursleves supports us to change old habits and patterns that have been deeply ingrained. I have experienced this too with withdrawal from me my inner steadiness supported me to deal with things i would have previously found frightening and overwhelming, it supports me to walk out of withdrawal from fears that kept me from living life and that actually had no hold over me, I just believed they did. Building our inner connection changes life and how we are in it, in ways we could not imagine.
‘With all the fussing came something underlying. I felt exalted, not just from being me, but for what it was I could do.’ I feel there is an honesty needed in me that pinpoints what it is that I go for when I am not confirming myself in my beingness or appreciating. It’s when I feel into that energy that I’m wanting to capture I get to discern its quality, then I can decide whether I really want to go for it or not. It’s like when I was a girl I could attract a certain type of energy and be noticed, but when I felt what came back at me and what I went into it didn’t felt far from nourishing and actually quite insidious and toxic.
Whether it is withdrawing or being the centre of attention to get any form of recognition from outside of us, neither are ever fulfilling or sustaining. Connecting to the love within as you share Chris holds and nourishes the being we are. Beautiful.
I feel it is a smidgen sad that we need to celebrate you celebrating you enjoying just being you…how far have we gone from what we know to be loving relationships that we need our adorable babies to please us to feel loved by us. We may not consider it the reality but it is a reality far greater than we like to admit.
‘that we need our adorable babies to please us to feel loved by us’ This feels ugly, a global set-up we enter into as we are born. I don’t see many people being aware of this and so the cycle repeats as people become a part of it. Appreciating ourselves and each other for who we are breaks this cycle.
The unconscious grooming that we can find ourselves the recipient of or even the orchestrator of, slips in so early in life and this blog exposes this so beautifully. The space you have allowed to re-connect to your own divinity is to be celebrated. I deeply appreciate your sharing of the awareness of what happened to allow in separation in the first place and love the simplicity and understanding this blog offers us all – Thank you Chris
It is beautiful to hear a man write in such an honouring way about how he values tenderness and connection.
It is so interesting what you have shared and shows how we settle for attention when love is absent and then in this we feel more lost.
Wow this is gold what you share, that even when you feel rejected it is something that doesn’t wobble you away from what you know to be what holds you and supports you, your connection to your Soul. That is super powerful.
There are a million articles online about different trades and things we can do but how many talk about our connection as you do Chris? And yet this is our true no. 1 job of being alive. We have life the wrong way around – focusing on pursuing outcomes instead of the way we get there.
Great point Joseph, I agree so many of us in this world have lived our lives the wrong way round because we see this happening all around us, so we have a tendency to think this must be it. Also, we easily get sucked into a false way of living life that seeks recognition, identification and separation because we may not have grown up seeing life being lived any other way. We may not have had reflections from others of how to live a true way of life that is full of purpose, love and decency. For me, meeting Serge Benhayon and the people at Universal Medicine offered me this beautiful and magical reflection of absolute love and truth, these amazing people live life with purpose and grace. From this glorious reflection, I knew that the life I was living in disconnection and complication wasn’t it and I too changed my life around.
The part what we often forget and don’t do is that of Appreciation, actually appreciating ourselves.. It was recently that I asked my nurse colleague about what he appreciated about himself and in a nutshell it was very difficult for him to express that as much was referred to ‘doing’ ‘doing things good’ and ‘achieving recognition by patients’ to know that you have done well.. It was this very example that struck me to feel that we need to live so much more and start appreciating who we are.
‘I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives.’ I see this a lot in life. A baby comes into the room and people are reminded of the beauty they are but aren’t living much of the time if at all. So the reflection is adored but isn’t seen as equal to their own so becomes a distraction from all that isn’t beautiful.
I agree very beautifully expressed. I find when I withdraw, it hurts everyone and there is no evolution in this choice as it only cements the hurt deeper and for longer. It is so much more loving and supportive to stay steady, connected, opening and loving towards ourselves and others.
When we feel rejected, the most common thing to do is to withdraw and feel hurt. But what I realise is that choosing to withdraw hurts us more than the initial rejection. So, I am learning to stay open, be loving, feel what is going on and not withdraw. This feels so much more supportive, evolving and amazing.
Staying open and transparent is revelatory for me when I choose this way of responding. It shows me what I’ve created and how connection with others is always possible if I don’t reject people.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am” Gorgeous Chris its so simple to be ourselves, it is crazy how we can spend most of lives avoiding this simplicity.
Yes Sam and the juxtaposition of something that doesn’t ask us to be anything other than who we are but equally doesn’t stand still…it is constantly offering us a deeper relationship with ourselves.
The relationship we have with ourselves is paramount, and a foundational base for the rest of our relationships, and yes I agree, ‘The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.’
“I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way”
Even at this tender age we are party to an energetic contract, by giving a nod to our needs, we avoid the depth of relationship that can honestly be shared and moved.
It is a fact that if we love ourselves, we will have a different reflection than if we are miserable and sullen. So, it is our choice how we are going to invest our time when it comes to carving out a persona or find out who the real us is – no one can do that for us or bring this to us.
It’s amazing to look at the patterns of behaviour we have used, and to ask what we have gotten out of them. Each one is carefully crafted to get us not feeling something, but in the end we miss out on our connection with ourselves and that is the thing that is most natural to us and that we want the most.
Lovely Chris, and that final comment ‘it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am’ is the home run. We try and try and try, get exhausted and put on so many different personas, and yet the answer is so simple, waiting inside of us. When will we listen, and how often?
It’s so true isn’t it… To be absolutely dedicated to humanity and starting to listen to what is before us
Chris, this is really lovely to read, it makes me feel that I too can hold myself no matter what is going and not to loose confidence in myself, but to always hold myself in love and understanding.
‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. ‘ This is really beautiful. Not withdrawing from life because you’ve got your own back so to speak. This is something I have actually always wanted from another but how amazing to know this is something I can be for myself. So no holding back from life for fear of how I’ll be received but a steadiness with me that welcomes people and life without reservation.
We are really all just like actors in a play of life, choosing different characters to be to fit the part or the situation. So lovely that we can also choose to come back to a way of being that we have known for a very long time, and that each time we make this loving choice, we are totally nourished, supported and confirmed in.
Great analogy Julie – so when are we going to take off the costume and start to get to know who we really are?
Itss true Chris and something I continue to learn as well – people don’t like being around people who are withdrawn. Withdrawing doesn’t alleviate the issues that are going on, it just gives us an illusion they are gone by giving us another reality to focus on. Like you said once we start to redevelop our connection with ourselves and bring ourselves out – there is no greater medicine.
Yes, and there’s nothing more joyful than being in the company of those who are connected with themselves; people who reflect the depth of life open to us all and inspire this connection. Reconnecting and living that connection with ourselves is the greatest medicine.
Seeking recognition on the outside never really works as you discovered, ‘Surely there must be more to life than the constant merry-go-round of seeking recognition from others in this way.’ Yes, choosing to connect to our innermost as you later found out.
Connecting lovingly to myself is THE foundational lesson in life I’m discovering. Without I’m at the whim of any thought. As far as I’ve been able to tell thoughts don’t come with the loving acceptance and appreciation of who we are in our essence. This is any thought, ours or another’s. Re-connection back to ourselves brings the confidence and trust to live from what feels true from our bodies.
” This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am. ”
This is beautifully said, re building re-connection with the you that is you thank you for sharing.
Redeveloping an inner connection provides a steadiness that when going a little off track there is something there to come back to, that requires nothing from the outside.
It’s amazing what I’ve done for attention and recognition. Always great to clock what I’m up to and have the choice to return to me.
If we have followed a pattern long enough, and we test out a different pattern and see the experiment results, we may like it even more when this pattern is no longer dependent on others or anything outside of ourselves but can be confirmed by what is within us. Feels much more empowering.
I really love the honesty of this blog and all it explores.
We are being taught from very young that doing what pleases others is the way to get the recognition and acceptance we think we crave when all we truly yearn for is to be met for who we truly are, for our divine essence.
Without developing that inner connection we are indeed lost, pushed around by emotions and judgements. When we learn how truly valuable we all are life turns around for each of us.
Connection is the ultimate embrace – us loving ourselves, the universe and God. Of course we miss that when its gone, but there’s no way to truly substitute being you. I love how simple you make it Chris, if we don’t feel this appreciation inside of us it’s time to come back to truth.
I love this Chris, choosing to move through those uncomfortable patterns of behaviour to get recognition from others, and then being able to see through that and come back to the tender and true you is a blessing for us all.
Many times when I have used this technique of withdrawal, after being faced with some type of rejection to regain the needed attention and recognition I was seeking, it has resulted in me feeling almost guilty for getting that attention. After reading this blog I can see now how this tells me that at some deeper level I always knew that it was not right and that I was actually manipulating other people into feeling sympathy for me, which shows just how much sympathy never heals or is helpful to people, but rather honestly calling out my behaviour would have been more beneficial. Over the years my partner has certainly helped me see this pattern for what it truly is.
We place an enormous load of expectations on our kids, to bring the love and joy we miss and also fulfil any dreams we did not achieve. The dad who wanted to be a cricket star, the mum who wanted to be a ballerina or the parents who never got to go to university. All this gets in the way of the child growing up to be the person they are here to be.
I remember as a child having a strong inner connection and I observed life with some wisdom, but it wasn’t long before I measured myself against all outward expectations and began to stop listening to the voice within. I became flakey, discontented and disconnected. Through the support of Universal Medicine, I too learned to reconnect to myself, something that was very natural to me as a child. There is nothing lovelier or more confirming.
I love how nature and the infinite sky (day or night) is one big message to support our re-connection with the truth of our innermost being. As I stood gazing at the night sky the past couple of evenings, my entire body felt lit up with the same huge spherical light reflected to earth by the moon at its fullest. In moments like these, there is no doubt of the vast grandness that I am/we are all connected to from within.
Building a relationship with our Inner-Most or essence and feeling that as a truth of who we are brings so much more focus to everything we do in life! Then with focus we can feel the responsibility to be on the path to being Loving to the best of our ability in our life!
We can get stuck in patterns that are so familiar to us they are our everyday life and go to’s when we feel threatened in any way and can be life time’s old; so very ingrained. These patterns can hinder us from feeling our essence, so how important is it then that we go to see a Universal Medicine practitioner that can support us to break these patterns and live a full and joyful life.
No coincidence that I find myself re-reading this blog again now – we can constantly return to and deepen our connection with ourselves – it is ever ending.
It took me a while to figure out that family is bigger than blood.
“Redeveloping my Inner Connection” – is the total joy of my life.
It is so funny how we can spend years and lifetimes running after things outside of us when in truth they never make us any happier. The only true contentment we can find in this life is in our inner connection, with out this nothing we can gain or acquire will be worth it.
From love to withdrawal and rejection to one of love for oneself and others again is very beautiful to feel and a real insight to how we allow ourselves to create our own lives and the beauty of how we can change things and bring true love into the world.
“I learned that I could manage life quite well. I could get all the attention I needed by not engaging with life, by disconnecting from the world and waiting for others to connect with me” What a great excuse to opt out and forego our responsibility and lose connection not only with others but with our true self, the one we abandoned in this search for attention and recognition.
Thank you Chris. Indeed it is all about connection first, for once this is part of our foundation we know we are here to be not here, and life is all about developing our relationship with evolution to inspire others to reconnect to that which is of truth within themselves.
‘This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.’ A perfect way to be, to live and to hold. I am learning this too, letting go of self-judgement and learning to appreciate are supportive steps in the process.
We have this perception that children do not know what they are doing and why, but this is not the case as we know exactly what we are doing and how to get the reaction we want. Be it having people feeling sorry for us or being picked on; we know how to create these scenarios for our gain – this takes away any victimhood.
This is a great blog for all me as it offers that there is another way to see rejection, and realise that actually rejection is not the all powerful beast it is thought to be.
What is fascinating is how we can manipulate any situation so we can work it in our favour so that we look good and everything is seemingly going well. Underneath though we know that this is not the case and that we feel empty and we are selling ourselves short and also the people and situations that we are manipulating.
Equally, if we know how to manipulate each situation, then we must know deep down exactly what is going on. That is a source of great joy as it means we can never claim ignorance, just disobedience!
There is so much that impacts us how we go through life, we are conditioned in every aspect. But how very assuring and freeing to know that all this can be let go off step by step if we choose to observe and be honest with ourselves.
“I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives”. Gosh you could ponder this sentence alone for quite a while. It would explain the ’empty nest’ syndrome and much more. I also felt the transfer of responsibility from the adults to the child to provide joy, and playfulness.
There is something here in this piece about understanding who you are or what your purpose is in the world from the way that your family held and treated you from birth, and how amazing is this that we have the power to transform human life on earth simply by the way we raise our children right from the start. What if, for example a child was not over doted on and swamped with attention, but simply appreciated for who they are and the quality that they have brought to the world through their birth? How then would they grow up and what contribution would they be making to the community they live in? And how would this inspire all of us? It seems to be about making and creating perspectives, or angles upon which we approach life and in being aware of the impact those have on life all around us all of the time.
“The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.” – This is such a liberation isn’t it, when we can truly connect to our own inner self and the beautiful being that we are, and when these needs fall by the wayside – such freedom in expression and beingness opens up – so grateful for it too.
Re-developing my inner connection has been (and continues to be) deeply supported by attending presentations, courses and workshops with Serge Benhayon of Universal Medicine. This humble man continues to inspire thousands of people to wake up to the truth of our divine essence within.
It is such a personal and incredible process with that initial choice to re-connect back to our inner essence that we are. Life certainly is for learning and no matter what is going we can either choose to bring awareness to ourselves in what we are doing or we can continue in a dis-connected way and feel the consequences. I know I have absolutely felt such a tangible shift in my body thanks to the support of the Universal Medicine modalities and teachings.
I love your honesty here and it is interesting that you say by not engaging with others you found it was a way of getting attention. It kind of exposes we can, if we need and desperately want, get attention any way that is to be overly confident or to even be quite and withdrawn. However either way shows that there is an imbalance for us within ourselves. It will always be first looking at our own connection with ourselves, our essence, that will bring true healing as nothing on the outside, including being adored or praised will ever ‘fix’ us.
Isn’t it interesting the behaviours we can adopt in order to control others to get attention. In this case it was withdrawal, which is often not seen as a method of control. It’s a withdrawal from others almost as a punishment, but at the same time pushing away the connection that we so deeply crave, and also punishing ourselves in the process by cutting ourselves off. Our connection within is always there for us to choose. We need to drop the hurt and the want for retaliation and open to this connection unconditionally. With this connection within us we can open up to connection with others with so much joy. It’s definitely worth coming out of the self-made cave.
A great reminder that when we feel life is not working, take a look at how we have set things up!
Why do we do what we do, like Chris is sharing in this blog? Why do we shut down our amazingnes when we are not recognized for who we are, as in his case because of getting siblings in the family that took over the attention that otherwise would go to the only child? This of course happens in many people and to me is the result of the false attention that came in the fist place, loaded with expectations to the child but void of the deep appreciation and love we actually deserve to live with in the first place.
The moment we lose the intimate connection with the love that we innately are, we are at the mercy of external recognition… and that way is never fulfilling
Blood family can be a huge distraction in developing a connection to ourselves.
This is so gorgeously shared Chris. I too have discovered that regardless of the amount of doing we achieve, become ‘good’ at or are recognised for it will never amount to the greatness that we already are from the day we are born. It is this greatness that needs to be fostered and nurtured in us all from day one, so that we learn to live in connection to the steadiness and ever-presence of the true amazing qualities that we innately are, through which we realise that in essence we are all very much the same.
Wow we can carry with us so many childhood hurts and this affects our every day without us even knowing, how awesome is it that we can always stop and choose to deal with our patterns and negative thoughts. We are so much lighter once we do.
It is amazing that being more connected with ourselves sets a foundation which means not only are we more steady in the face of challenges in life, but also that we can be more open and connected to other people too.
When we start that inner relationship with ourselves our bodies always asks us to go deeper as there is so much more to us than we care to admit. Coming to this understanding is for me huge allowing myself to drop into my body and claim myself as the Son of God I always knew I was even in the face of opposition.
It is funny how all we want is at the end of the day to not truly want to cause unease and ill consequence in someone else’s life. Yet that’s what happens when we do not love ourselves.
‘Bit by bit I realised that with this connection with myself, I could also connect with others in a different way than I was used to.’ It’s lovely Chris how you are re imprinting your old pattern with people from a connection with yourself, just being you, building relationships from this rather than withdrawal and the need behind this.
The constant switching on and off of our connection to ourselves and subsequent withdrawal from the world around us is a game that is not only totally exhausting but as you say Chris totally isolating too. And with our escalating rates of depression this withdrawal is something that needs to be considered on a much deeper level with far more openness and honesty to help people understand why they are withdrawing and how they can correct it and live their potential.
The image for this article reminds me of our inner connection. Like the sun it is always there. We may have moments, minutes, hours, days or even years where it appears the sun isn’t shining as brightly, but never the less it remains forever. It is we who separate from the warmth and graceful love that we are being bathed in.
An honest account of how we get recognition as a child and the different games we can play.
There is nothing like an inner connection within ourselves, no one can take it away and we can foster and nurture it ourselves if we so choose. It is a self sustaining and flourishing magical choice to connect within.
When we feel rejected the most common thing to do is to withdraw and what you’ve shared Chris is that we don’t have to choose this. Withdrawing ourselves from others doesn’t protect us, in fact it hurts us more and it is definitely not the solution. You inspire us to connect to ourselves and naturally we will know how to heal the rejection we feel and heal our hurts.
This is such a great description of how we seek to get our needs for love outside of ourselves in terms of recognition, approval and acceptance. Once we abandon ourselves as love we are only left to seek it outside of ourselves through attention etc.
Everything is set up for us to manage life, we react by feeling rejected and can easily withdraw from life in order to feel safe, however, this is an illusion as the best form of security one can have is to live in connection with our open hearts.
It is so true that withdrawing is a way to get attention. We’ve set things up so that we need attention either way to feel loved when in truth this is the opposite from love.
It’s also a positive feedback loop, where we start making choices that support us, and that makes us feel more solid, more like ourselves, and so we start making even more choices that support us, and so it goes on. The reverse is also true – when we don’t feel like we have or bring anything of value, we don’t make choices that support us, we feel less steady, less worthy.. etc. The good news is that we get to choose, at any moment, which loop we want to be in and aligned with.
Beautiful blog, Chris. It’s taken me a long time to realise and trust that the connection to me, to who I really am, is always there and doesn’t go away, no matter how much I’ve tried to walk away from it, sever it, crush or dampen it. We innately know who we truly are, no matter how much we might try to fight it…all that’s really needed is a surrender and a letting go, a letting out of what’s already there.
This is an experience that I relate to…”The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others. ” It has meant that I am a much more loving person to be around, because I am not needy and don’t want people to reassure me that they care or that I am important to them. I hold myself in Love and share it.
This gorgeous picture of a blue sky with some clouds brings an amazing feeling of space and spaciousness within my body – a knowing of a connection to something far greater than just the physical body.
As men we learnt from an early age to wear the many hats society expects us to live and perform. We become very good at it and strive for it even if it compromises that very thing that we are so looking for which is our tenderness and love within as when that is lived nothing else matters as you get to feel the level of support from heaven to reflect that which is of truth to the world.
I totally agree Chris when I am connected and have this steadiness inside of me I feel completely held and cared for, doesn’t matter what is going on around me or what people may be saying to you it is simply water of a ducks back.
Welcome back Chris, its good to know we have you back in the world sharing your essence with us.
A great example of how children adopt behaviours to get them the approval or recognition they seek as a substitute for not being truly met for who they are
I used to think that blood family was everything, until one day I experienced love and care I had not felt from those one might call “closest” to me from few who had just met me. This began the deconstruction of the blood is thicker than water consciousness I held.
Using another to have a subject to brag about or distract from ones own life doesn’t feel very pleasant and yet can anyone say they haven’t done this? Reading this has also highlighted that ‘hey look at me’ attitude when it comes to my work and extra activities. A reminder that I am already enough when connected, it’s not what I do that makes me.
I wonder about making a child centre stage and if this actually supports them later in life. Yes, children need to be honoured and nurtured but we are all equally important. I feel putting a child on a pedestal sets an untrue foundation and expectations for them and how they should be treated. There will be people who dislike or ignore us and that is part of life we need to have a solidness in ourselves to deal with.
Some parents, family and teachers expectations can be huge and heavy at times and can support setting up many unhealthy patterns and behaviours in children and teenagers. That we then continue to play out as adults. I’ve been looking at the expectations and ideals I have set up with my teenage boys… it’s cringe worthy but most of all freeing to let go off for everyone.
It is great to be reminded of the steadiness that is there for all of us in that connection with our inner hearts.
A beautiful honesty and understanding shared here Chris, thank you; great to reflect on. Appreciating our qualities and those of others allows a joy and expansion in our lives and a beautiful contentment from within.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.”
It is so important to meet people and appreciate who they are and the true qualities they bring to the world, rather than what they do or are doing.
Developing an inner connection is indeed life changing and truly self sustaining. Breathing my breath for me, has changed my life beyond words.
My definition of the word “family” has been re-defined beyond what I thought was possible. We are taught to stick close, love your own kind and in a way are praised for becoming like our own kind as we grow up in the world and step out into it – family is more about those who care for us, support us and are with us united in light – rather than simply those who are blood related which are not always prepared or open to the view that light is greater than blood.
Well said Harrison. We can have family all around and yet feel isolated and not truly cared for or considered. We can flourish and be ourselves in any setting, yet for me more and more I choose to be with those that are loving, supportive and that we all offer each other evolution.
This is beautiful Chris, to develop a relationship with ourselves is key to experiencing more quality and love in all our relationships.
” Redeveloping my Inner Connection ” This understanding is very important , ” REDEVELOPING ” inner connection is available to everyone as its just a reconnection , in that we have lived the connection to our true essence before and for what every reason we negated this connection. To go back and re-connect to our true essence is an opportunity for everyone as Chris has beautifully explained about his own re-connection.
So true, it is more clearer for us to make loving and supportive choices when we are connected to ourselves. We have more clarity, we are able to see, hear and read more that is presented to us.
“I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.” This is so true I have found the same, the more I connect with me the stronger I feel and the steadier I feel. There’s an inner strength the keeps deepening.
Chris, wow what a beautifully honest and humble article, thank you for sharing this.
‘This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am’. Life is truly that simple, just be who you are, show and express all the love that you are (not keeping it for yourself) and life just expands and unfolds in so many magical and joyful ways; eg the precise timing of a relationship, new job or new house that provides our next learning and growth. Life is never dull when we allow ourselves to sparkle.
Awesome Chris. Isn’t life so much simpler and more fun when we let go of the need to seek recognition and approval? We can instead choose to be ourselves, connect to our essence and naturally this supports people around us to feel inspired to also do the same.
The last part of this is so powerful Chris, you finding how that connection with who you are, your own solidness means that the life that happens all around you is not affecting you. To live without being undone by the world and in retreat is surely the key to a healthy life, and to a life where we don’t wish to withdraw but fully engage in everything that is on offer, take people as they come with no judgement or defence. Take it all in our stride and be available to support others without any compromise. When we consider that living with that solidness is needed by others, to show that there is a different way to live, and that they can trust, that is a huge responsibility that it feels is very much worth taking.
Beautifull Chris. The moral of this story to truly connect to ourselves and reflect, inspire, teach, give space for our little ones to do the same. Then it is a win win situation, all are filled with their own love and are equally loved by others. Great and thankfully this is slowly starting to happen more and more with the true help and support of Universal Medicine ✨
The connection is always there as you say Chris we have just misplaced it or not given it any attention. Connecting back to me feels as it did when I was a child when everything was a wide open possibility, there was no trying or doing. God was all just there all around me my constant companion.
An amazing step it is to move inward towards ourselves and to let go of the many roles and identities we have adorned – an ever-present treasure that is the true us awaits.
Yes, I get this… if I actually have a relationship with myself, an awareness of my body and how I feel, I am more than able to make choices that support and develop me.
Again I am inspired by the fact that there is no end point, that our relationship with ourselves, others and life is a dynamic ever evolving thing and that if we allow this, what does unfold is beyond anything we could at first imagine.
Learning from what you have shared Chris is so simple as I relate to all you share, as a first baby boy we do get a lot of attention. The only difference is I had my own idiosyncrasies that needed to be addressed before I started my journey towards at-least being self-loving. My starting point as you have shared was with Universal Medicine and for me it was the Gentle Breath Meditation that laid a foundation to return to seeing the first glimpses of being self-loving.
The connection with ourselves is always there for me it’s a matter of accepting and appreciating this in all my fullness – regardless of the mixed messages that may be going around. Simply feeling me and observing the surrounds changes the outcome of everything.
It’s interesting how what can seem right and good can actually end up being damaging – like focusing and doting on children and what they do over who they are. We want our children to ‘do well’ but they need to ‘be well’ within themselves as a priority – which we can support with.
“Surely there must be more to life than the constant merry-go-round of seeking recognition from others in this way.” this sentence takes me back to my teenage years, waking up in angst every day, living every day in angst always seeking to be seen, to be recognised and to be valued and worth something. How blessed I feel on reflection because of the quality of energy I feel now based on the choices I’ve made in how I live. Like you Chris its an amazing circling back to that connection I had as a child.
I was drawn to this blog because of the beautiful photo. I realise how possible it is to marvel at such things and become less connected, escaping into the beauty out there. When we allow nature to be a reflection for us and feel our own beauty first or consciously connect to our own beauty and feel how we are just the same there is a real settlement in this and no need to go looking for anything or anyone.
So many of us have benefitted and totally changed our lives thanks to Serge Benhayon and his presentations and workshops, bringing us truths that inspire and grow us and help to uncover those things that have held us back all of our lives up until that point. It truly is a divine time to be alive.
The deep need for recognition and acceptance is so thick and riddled in us, whilst I am coming to realise that this is all founded on the fact that I thought I wasn’t enough. It doesn’t take anyone to tell me this or confirm this, it is a relationship with myself and allowing myself to feel this magnificent beauty that I hold deep with in, is one that I am really starting to understand what is key. Thanks to Universal Medicine and the teachings of the Ageless Wisdom as presented by Serge Benhayon I have been supported to recognise and feel this within myself.
It is such a shame that we have to go through so much just to get back to a point we should never have left.
It is a shame, but we have indulged in life and added layers on which don’t support, so we have to start to discard what does belong, so we can feel and reconnect to the true essence that is buried under the layers.
“When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.” This happened to me just recently, it made me feel so lacking in energy and commitment to life and actually in overwhelm. To read this blog has helped me to understand the movement and how unloving it is to put myself through this. Maybe it is a time to reconnect to a deeper part of ourselves when this feeling surfaces, as there are always deeper levels to us all, not just one static place to arrive at, each time, but every changing, ever deepening.
This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am. It’s so lovely Chris to read about your relationship with yourself as you can feel the level of honouring you are choosing now for you. This is a great reflection for other men to feel the difference and then feel this is also within them.
In our own connection we can know that we need nothing else from outside of us – the only thing which truly matters is being connected.
This is a most freeing feeling. To know nothing else is required of us, but just to re-connect.
Michael that was the changing point for my life, when I made it about my connection to myself first. The results are nothing short of everyday miracles.
Love this Chris as a first baby boy myself I relate to what you have shared and I agree, it took Universal Medicine to expose the depth of what had been placed upon me then many sessions to undo the damage.
We are not our hurts. We are not our patterns and behaviours. It is so interesting that we more than often know ourselves to be the protection we have set in place using these patterns and behaviours and have little to no knowledge of who we truly are.
Awesome to observe the strategies that we play life in life, and how they come in different flavours but are dressed in the same energy.
I used to use the same tactics, to withdraw, go quiet and wait for someone to ask what’s wrong. I may have got that question asked by my close family but as I grew older I certainly didn’t get it from others around me or in relationships. I wanted to stop this manipulative behaviour so badly but it was so ingrained that it has taken a very long time, and the understanding that when I withdraw from others I am also withdrawing from me, to dismantle it. If I feel it creeping in again, which it sometimes still does, I immediately ask myself what I could possibly achieve by disconnecting from the wonderful woman that I now know I am; if I do I miss out on me and so does everyone else.
Similar to what you say, Chris, the Universal Medicine practitioners have also supported me to expose the false and contracted way that I had set up my life. The way I live now is completely different and so very joyful.
It is important to expose the false and contracted way we are living our lives. This is painful but to go there is liberating. This is something we must do periodically as the falsities do get in on a regular basis and need to be flushed out, with truth and a deeper connection to self.
Janet I too feel my life is very joyful now compared to what it was before I met Universal Medicine. I was functioning, just getting on with the motions, but not truly living, there was an emptiness inside me. Now I feel full inside, with joy and bounce. My life is full of purpose and love.
We set things up purposely to not evolve. Going into reaction and creating arguments has been a behaviour of mine to delay evolution in my relationships. Nominating begins the process for changes to take place.
What a beautiful understanding you have come to of your tendency to withdraw from others and life and how through developing a loving relationship with yourself this is no longer the case and necessary.”This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” What an amazingly supportive reflection for others and a real inspiration thank you..
When we hold back and shut off from the world, we are isolating ourselves, not letting love in, even though it is all around us, we can’t feel it.
Words of great truth. I know the feeling and it is against our very nature, and when it comes over me I feel discombobulated and confused, everything comes to a grinding halt, because you know you need to be somewhere other than the place you are in, feeling isolated and withdrawn. There is a rawness and a sense of stagnation. When we reconnect our movements can change and we can get into a flow again, this is enlivening and re-energising.
Although the detail maybe different we all appear to learn very manipulative and complicated ways to survive life which involves a great deal of trial and error and little or no sense of being at one with oneself. Once we change our movements and begin to connect within we allow our body to reconfigure and become more open and loving, and subsequently letting go of the need to be needed – we can simply be.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” reading this makes my whole body melt and be at ease, knowing and being reminded that what is possible is for us to be all that we are nothing more and nothing less.
Most of us from young keep fine tuning our strategies to get attention and there is so much focus on that we ignore the exquisite sense of a connection with our own essence. It is wonderful reading how you have been deepening your connections and the amazing Impact it has had on your experience of life
Simply being ourselves gets rid of all the complication and things we have piled on top of ourselves that are not us. It is simple, yet may not seem simple as we have become identified with all those things we think we are but in essence are not.
A deep appreciation to Serge Benhayon for reflecting the power of re-connection to our true essence which brings true foundation, strength and empowerment to my/our lives where approval and recognition from others is no longer necessary.
“The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others”
Beautiful to hear Chris, thankyou. There is something exquisite about the connection we have when we are young, but it seems we develop ways of being that stop us from seeing the constant magic.
Your beautiful words will strike a chord with many Chris as they have with me. So familiar to how I chose to live to the shape I adopted from childhood experiences. This happens to all of us and I love the fact that we all also throughout life have the opportunity to change these adopted patterns at anytime and be who we naturally are. The Universal Medicine modalities and practitioners can be a huge support with this.
When I was young I experienced it as a shock at the times when I realised that people can be nice to me not because of myself but because of where I come from or because of some action and that their appreciation had nothing to do with who I was.
It is interesting what you share here about being the ‘ultimate distraction for others’ to have an expectation of you. I have a young daughter and I can see how this plays out in families. I see how family can put her before themselves when in truth what supports her most is the reflection of love and responsibility.
This is why it is super important to support the child to remain with the connection to universality that they are born with, so they do not depend on the attention they get given for their sense of self but are able to always return to their inner connection, growing up knowing they are a part of a divine plan and it is their responsibility to take up their part in the plan. This way they grow up with a purpose and do not get side tracked into drugs, alcohol, screens and other nonsense stuff that most kids indulge in these days.
When we connect to and know ourselves as the divine being we are, we do not need any recognition from any-one and/or anything outside our self.
Our connection can really bring a great understanding to our behaviours and patterns and also allow us to observe and read the world around us that ultimately interconnects us all. Our inner connection is a confirmation of the equality we can feel if we stop to appreciate its wonder.
Yes, that equality – neither superior nor inferior, is very beautiful.
Connecting fully with one’s essence requires being completely honest and truthful with oneself and then one can be truthful and honest with others, which is the basis of a true relationship.
As a man being honest about the ingrained behaviours that we go to in order to manage life is the start of a healing process where we can discard that which is not of truth and to develop our relationship with our own nature of tenderness and sensitivity in our bodies and offer a true healing for all.
Kids are not stupid and you can see when a child has clocked all the different opportunities where they can make it work in their favour. Then you see as we grow older how we can manipulate any situation to get what it is that we want out of the relationship. It’s whether we are willing to be honest about this and look at the truth where we never felt we were enough. Connecting to our essence and making this our focus then we get to feel we are more than enough and that we are actually amazing for who we naturally are.
Our relationship with ourselves, with our inner connection, is the most important relationship we have.
Lovely and just so – being full with our self does not allow anything to enter that is not us.
This is such a great reminder and one to really embrace in life – ‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.” Rejection is part of life it seems, time and again and once we have established our own true connection with ourselves and have come away from need, then we can view rejection in a different light – in a light that confirms us first and then looks at the situation not from a rejection point of view but perhaps from a reflection to what was to be learnt or observed.
To me I am still amazed that I can give myself everything I ever looked for from another to give to me, understanding, love and care. It’s a relationship I know I’ll be forever exploring and as I do that more I can trust and rely on myself and not seek things outside of myself which don’t ever deliver.
We begin to look ourselves for recognition in a world that likes to tick boxes and does not appreciate our true quality and essence. But we can always return to the natural joy and exuberance that we are born with, as it never ever leaves us.
This turns on its head our current approach of putting others before ourselves, which has left us all floundering without the foundation and anchor of understanding life from our inside out first.
I love the bit about your relationship with yourself not standing still… the invitation here to be always learning, developing and deepening our understanding of ourselves is very inspiring.
Re-developing our awareness and a strong and solid foundation within from conscious presence with our body are powerful and necessary steps in our return to living from the essence and truth of who we are (divine beings) where no recognition or approval from others is needed..
“The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.”
We grow up, and when hurts arise, we are told to just learn by our mistakes or toughen-up, after all, we all need to attend the school of hard knocks if we want any chance of surviving out there in the wild of humanity! Where is us, in this scenario? When we connect to ourselves, we have the space to observe without absorbing those things that are not us. It is a choice we may forget we have, but it is always an option.
Beautiful Elizabeth – its not about doing more or getting bigger, but going deeper.
Living a life that is defined by expectation hurts. It can’t lead to a true conclusion and you can end up really confused years later wondering why things are not working. The only way to define life is to learn to listen to what you are feeling inside, and express your natural inner quality. Over the years I’ve learnt to trust that the world has plenty of opportunities when I am true to myself.
Inner-connection really does bring confidence to just be yourself.. and when you feel this or ‘feel you as you’, connected, there is contentment and satisfaction to life because life’s being lived joined-together as a whole.
I loved reading your blog again Chris, what you’ve shared is gorgeous, ‘This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.’ When we forget to be who we are, this is when we get affected by outside influences, dramas and reactions a lot more. I find staying connected to myself supports me to see situations with more clarity, love and understanding.
It’s amazing that we will accept recognition for anything, even things that leave us feeling miserable.
Great point here that we can get recognition equally from achieving and being good or from withdrawing and playing bad or rebellious – either way it is the same craving for recognition and attention which ultimately comes from a lack of connection with and appreciation of ourselves.
Very simply expressed, Ariana, with a depth of meaning that resonates throughout my body – yes it is us who have chosen to be and live in a disconnected way and it is only us who can choose to change that – a disconnected life is not natural to who we are and we exhaust ourselves by living that way. As you say, connection with ourselves is a foundational step for us to build upon.
Growing up I may have put on a front that said I don’t care about what people thought of me when actually I cared tremendously. The more I am building my connection with me the less I am concerned about others’ opinions or judgements of me, though it seems there are layers that suddenly become apparent and another level of re-conneciton with myself to go to. I can’t say this process is comfortable especially when I judge myself rather than appreciate how I have moved to the next layer of awareness and opportunity to deepen my relationship with others (instead of hiding in a cave).
A child without (self) connection grows up an adult without true confidence.
Thank you for sharing this Chris, with such honesty and a touch of tenderness, Iwas moved by your story. Yes without connection to ourselves, to that depth within – which is us, there will always be something that is not working for us, it is a very painful place to be. Our inner connection actually offers it all to us – our sense of value.
Despite having heard it said and seen it written so much before it is a lesson that seems to deepen constantly – the answers always lie in our connection.
I find it helpful to stop for little moments throughout the day to make sure I am connected with myself. If I don’t so this I find I can run a thousand miles away from my centre and end up exhausted. If I am not connected I can get caught up in other people’s problems or concerns without having a base from which to support myself or them. Staying connected to myself serves everyone.
Hi Chris, Thank you for sharing you with us through your blog. It is amazing how we can go off path sometimes and use behaviours to protect ourselves from each other when all along what we are looking for most of all is connection and love.
What I got really strongly in reading this blog and the accompanying comments is that we are all born with a spirit, as well as a soul. We all have lifetimes of experiences and traumas, some of which burden us, and that life will always trigger these as we are here to learn and will always be given the opportunity to break the patterns. And this spirit part of us will look to draw out emotional responses to anything that is equally a lesson or a trigger (our choice), and ultimately try and sabotage ourselves to keep us small and kept in patterns that are less than the immense soulful beings that are the core of who we all are.
When situations become overwhelming it is easy to withdraw, but we could instead choose to stay, even if we say nothing just breathe gently and see what happens. It’s amazing the changes that happen around us.
It is true that there is really little difference between performing in excess for attention and disengaging with life and giving little for the equal attention this brings.
An exhausting process by any means when we live greater or less than who we are rather than being naturally us.
Great article, Chris – very relatable. Although my way was to be the loudest, get the most attention by being the silliest or most obnoxious. It worked – and often works – but is an imposition on others and there is a neediness and desire for recognition. Recognising this was a big realisation – and the start to me just being me.
Its official the more we connect, love, appreciate and accept ourselves the less approval and recognition we need from others.
Re-connection is an amazing homecoming to the place that we missed most and arrogantly believe that we may find through a search in the world rather than within simply within our hearts.
‘The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.’ There is so much for us to feel within our bodies and the joy that comes with true connection is without measure
We will only interpret something as a rejection if we have first rejected ourselves.
‘Bit by bit I realised that with this connection with myself, I could also connect with others in a different way than I was used to.’ – so true, Chris. As we deepen our relationship with ourselves, it’s very beautiful to feel how much more expansive and rich all of our relationships become.
Yes. I see this every day – when unguarded and open we approach every interaction really ‘available’ to others… the beginnings of true relationships.
Such a beautiful blog Chris and the accompanying photo reminds me that our light shines bright whether we choose to hide it or not.
A powerful sharing that is beautifully honest and real and the allowing of who we are to be connected to and felt again after all our dramatic behaviours and upbringings and the joy “of just being me ” is felt deeply.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” every day I feel the opportunity to deepen my relationship, and whilst I’ve had a couple of difficult days – getting up this morning I feel renewed and ready for what is next. Its a testament to the fact that no matter what has gone on in our own relationship day by day, it can change and we can deepen it.
Working in retail I find that I get so many different responses when I ask people if they would like any help. Some of them feel really hurtful. If I did not have a strong inner connection I would be a collapsed wreck on the floor! I love the way I can hold myself in situations like this. I still allow myself to feel the hurt, but I can also feel the strength of my connection and my love for myself. I can then observe. This is way more powerful than the energy that is coming at me from customers.
Chris, it is really interesting to read about withdrawing and that this can be a way to get attention, this allows me to ponder on why I may have withdrawn growing up and helps me make more sense of behaviours and why we do them; ‘In the withdrawal, the attention came again; not in the form previously, but nevertheless it was there and at this stage of the game I would take whatever I could get. My family would say “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sad?’
The greatest feeling is letting go of the things outside of us that we have chosen to influence how we act and to simply express from what we feel deep within. Even if only for a moment, it is life changing.
If only we as parents had a greater awareness of how we set our children up when we expect them to conform to a certain way of being in order to get met and to feel good. This immediately creates patterns of not being enough in our children and children can spend many years fitting into other’s expectations, with little appreciation or awareness of the power of self love.
When I allow myself to connect deeper within me, I can feel the spaciousness around me and my body feels an expansiveness. With this there is a deeper stillness felt as well.
A powerful and inspiring story Chris of how we learn to manipulate to have our needs met at some level or another. To be simply met for who we are and not in recognition of what we do would put a stop to emotional games and foster true brotherhood..
What a relief it is when we start to let ourselves just be!
The connection with ourselves is the tool that ends all blaming of others and dissatisfaction with the world. When there is anything unfulfilled, we can go back and look at the connection we are having with us. We can then be clear and not mix together what we feel and how we act with people. How deeply empowering.
It’s easy to disconnect when things don’t go our way – that was always my pattern, to take myself away from situations that felt uncomfortable, or to withdraw into my shell and make no further contribution to a conversation. The other thing I could do very easily was to completely change the course of a conversation to bring it back into my own comfort zone. Learning to stay present and allow everything to be felt can be challenging but much more rewarding because then we have access to truth and wisdom in our own bodies and can read more clearly what is going on.
This just goes to show how even when we are loved we can sabotage it for whatever reason; which is more the reason to start with truly loving ourselves and the important of the relationship with ourselves as then there is no gap for hurt, or rejection etc to come in because we are so filled with love there is zero room for it. It also highlights the responsibility we as adults have in reflecting, nurturing and supporting all children and young people so they truly deeply love themselves and do not look outside for this in others. In other words there is true contentment.
‘This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.’ When I am feeling solid in this connection what is going on around me can be observed and not absorbed.
I have always had family issues since as long as I remember. That said I now realise the main issue was the disconnection I had with myself – I had no self-worth and could not express myself. But much has changed and I have worked on and healed my old hurts by attending the courses of Universal Medicine and Serge Benahyon, that on Friday, 2 days ago I got a lovely confirmation. It was my mother’s birthday, and most of my family were there – it turned out to be one of the nicest days I have ever had with my family mainly because I have reconnected with the joy, the grace and the love within that has always been there.
This blog offers a great point of reflection for me in how many moments or situation in my day there are, when my connection is not as strong as I know it to be, and to feel the reasons why this might be. I sense it comes back to what is it outside of me that I am giving more importance, and why?
Yes this connection does not ask anything of us but just to be! So far from what we have been conditioned to think that then translates itself in how we feel.
I find when I am feeling not as connected with myself gently putting my hand on my heart is a great way to recenter and feel my love again.
This fear of rejection or wanting a recognition from others is a big thing that has definitely hampered my own expression in my life. I agree that learning to have a steady connection with my body has allowed me to feel a sense of presence wherever I go which is very supportive and has definitely lessened the need for recognition or the fear of rejection.
What you lay open here is how much there is going on within families and how important it is to get to the root of things and not let them foster, as all that what is unresolved is then forming our so called character, which however has nothing to do with the real essence of a person. The characteristics we develop are often only coping mechanisms we adapt to get through life.
Attention is great, it is quite amazing to have. Until you know love.
“I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.” I agree Chris as if you are full with you – there will be no space for other things to come in!
It makes so much sense that if you are full with yourself, there will be no space for other things to come in, which means we become the observer rather than absorb the energy from others, and when we are clear, we can easily read and discern whatever is in front of us.
We can create ways of being in the world, particular patterns and behaviours, but they will never compensate for who we truly are. We may think we are hiding our true selves away… but energetically every one else can see and feel the essence of who we are, so in reality we waste a lot of time and energy trying to hide something that can never be hidden!
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” Absolutely gorgeous Chris… and a very timely reminder for me this morning, thank you. It is the most important relationship in our life.
This blog is such an honest account of how we set things up to develop low self worth and outlines the responsibility of reconnecting with our own inner sense of being and essence.
We are all love at essence and that is what we are seeking to reconnect to. Then the big harm happens in the way we misuse the word love. The imposition you felt poured on you was named love but it was not love and then we mix up attention for love and everything becomes a complete mess and we get further and further away from connecting to our essence where we will find the true love that always was and always is.
Yes, a mess we are very familiar with but often don’t know how to come out of.
The more that I deepen my inner connection, the more that I deepen my connection to everything that is outside of me.
We are all ‘the one’ this needs to be claimed and celebrated by each and everyone of us for ourselves and for each other. Then there would be no comparison and no need to prove ourselves.
I agree when we are able to claim this in full, we will get rid of comparison. Therefore it is so important we are working on claiming that we are all ‘the one’.
Our inner relationship doesn’t stand still, it offers a continual development of love that blossoms from within for all we meet and all we do.
Chris it’s my experience too that I am less concerned about what others think of me the more I deepen the connection with myself through my own body.
Chris fascinating to feel how even as a young baby you were being coaxed into the illusion of external recognition & acceptance and how you became the focus of everyones needs & expectations. This really sends home the responsibility we have to allow our children to be who they are, to honour & confirm the essence they arrived with and to hold & support a space for them to express and grow their potential.
So many of us construct personalities that we have figured out will be accepted in society, rather than hold true to what we feel. Universal Medicine has supported me to celebrate who I am and live in the truth of that no matter what, and this has been such a blessing in my life.
The constant need for recognition from ourside of us is a deeply exhausting and awful feeling of never being enough – it seeps into everything and undermines all our worth and vaule. Life does not support us to look to our own connect when finding our worth, it constanly confirms that we should look outside.
The relationship we build with ourselves, as you are developing is a living, breathing and constantly evolving thing. That becomes an awesome foundation felt by all!
It’s amazing how adept we are at telling ourselves stories about how others ‘see’ us, whether they ‘like’ us, which then hugely impacts our own behaviour – maybe becoming withdrawn, sullen, or over compensating by being over bearing and imposing. Yet, when we allow ourselves to connect and deeply appreciate all that we are, this is what we are sharing with everyone around us and we don’t even stop to consider if we are ‘liked’ or not, we don’t need any re-assurance as we already know how amazing we truly are.
“… but even more importantly they harm everyone we come into contact with.” – if they so choose to be harmed by it.
“When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.” – I am practising this too and it is getting so much more easier these days, thanks to all the presentations and support of Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine. I also find that when a feeling of ‘rejection’ comes up that I am able now to explore the feeling and acknowledge it and also express it in a way that offers healing for myself as well as the other. The biggest tool for this is truly to not take anything personal at all.
And this is a great reminder – “This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” Putting this into action all of the time makes for an amazing feeling inside which can not but reflect to the all around.
I so relate to your blog too Chris and the extent I went to to get the attention was pretty intense, including jumping out of airplanes for over 20 years – even that did not bring any attention whatsoever from family members. And just like you and with the support of Serge Benhayon I can also say – “I’m finding now the more connected I am with me, the less something can come in and rock me, as the foundation of my connection strengthens.” I have recently experienced something that in the past would have totally thrown me off yet by staying connected with me I could fully read what was truly going on and it had nothing to do with me 🙂
“Redeveloping my Inner Connection” – without which one is without compass, lost at sea. Inner-connection sets the sails back home.
As adults, I feel we are generally unaware of the impositions and expectations we put on kids. We tend to think we are being loving and appreciative when we as the parents or grandparents brag about our children. But as Chris has pointed out, it’s often to make us feel worthy or to gain attention. Just loving kids for who they are seems rare but it is exactly what children need to have a steady sense of worth.
Thank-you Chris, this exposes how we learn from a very young age to set up the patterns/behaviours,that is, learn to play the game to get recognition and how we can lose ourselves in the process when what we all truly want is to be loved. These patterns that we fall back on for recognition don’t really support us they actually do just the opposite, they bury the hurts we feel from not being met for who we truly are. Understanding this gives us the opportunity to discard those old imprisoning behaviours and begin to re-connect and rebuild our relationship with firstly ourself and deepen our relationship with others. “This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.”
Beautiful example of filling our own cup so we have no need of another to do it for us.
Yes Chris, we learn that life is a game of cause and effect and call and response – if I do this, I get that. The science experiment we embark on is all out to get the reward and attention we seek. But what we ignore and miss out on in all this is the fact there is a true result of our choices that has more to do with Karma and evolution. The bigger cycle is all based on how much Love we will choose. So let’s not settle for the distraction of being liked or having nice times when we can make our day about living in a truthful connected way.
This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am. This reflects so divinely, everything that we need to do/be in a nutshell Chris. No matter what is happening, the situation is only ever asking for us to do just this, and then allow what’s next while being held and supported by love/God.
Something I have really learnt is how much contraction, withdrawl and making ourselves less is just another side of the same coin as being arragant, over exhuberant and confident – living in a way that is forced or not a natural expression of ourselves is the same thing, just different flavours.
‘The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.’ The games we play in order to get recognition simply fade away when we begin to connect with ourselves – this is key to building a deeper relationship with ourselves and allows the space for all relationship to experience a more true connection.
As a first born I can relate and can attest for the support of reconnecting to my born quality it is amazing and I know I am only at the tip of what is possible.
Seeking of recognition from others, instead of building an inner connection which does not require anything, is not only debilitating to ourselves, but it also holds the other person in an expectation of giving us the connection we are not giving ourselves. It is imposing on others.
The ways in which I have ‘managed’ my life are different to yours Chris. But the game is identical. Like you I too am seeing that the more I connect with myself and deepen that relationship the less of a game I play with others.
So true for me too Otto – and this ‘game playing’ is so destructive. I have also found that when I stay fully with myself and am confirming myself in connection, I can see the games others play so quickly, yet don’t engage in the games anymore.
Deepening our connection is for all of us – I don’t always realise I have disconnected until I am so far out it’s obvious – I am slowly learning to keep checking in, feeling different parts of my body, allowing myself to feel the subtle things that are going on within me, and to be more sensitive to the energies around me, to feel my stillness and steadiness.
When we feel lost, family can be a beacon of hope. Once we know love, though, we tend not to be lost any more and family is still very important but the dependency on it reduces.
This is gorgeous Chris. The majority if not all of us have clocked the shifting attention we receive when we are children that makes it feel like we are more loved for what we do rather than simply who and what we are but to then choose to reconnect to what we left in playing games with this is a return to a love which is true and universally living within us all, all of the time.
When reconnecting to myself complication simply falls away.
How true and wise it is to turn inward- a connection with ourselves that stands the test of time and will never let us down, indeed will guide and impulse us to live our greatness.
Our connection with ourselves is like a foundation that supports us through the ups and downs in life and what I am finding is that there are a whole lot less downs. My down days are what my mediocre days used to be and my up days, well they are just lovely.
We cannot control what happens around us, however we can steer our ship through turbulent waters and the more solid our ship feels the less the turbulence affects us.
This is awesome Chris, and I saw your before and after photos somewhere recently and they really prove that reconnecting to your essence is the best thing we can do for ourselves as it is so set up for us to be taken as far away as possible from that connection.
Well said Elizabeth, this was exactly my own experience, I shut down and hid from the world believing I would be left alone and not get hurt, which greatly restricted and inhibited my expression and my ability to connect. Well the opposite was true, I deeply hurt myself by being all alone and separating from others – when all I desired was to connect with others which is our natural instinct.
The inner connection with one’s own divinity is key to a simple life, a life where we can share ourselves and respond instead of react with heavy emotions. My inner connection has deepened lately and I observed how my relationships with others changed, there was so much more openness and warmth and laughter.
The relationship we build with ourselves is such a massively underrated, yet totally vital part of life. We spend every minute of every day with ourselves, it makes no sense that this is the relationship we put the least amount of time to – and what riches are possible if we truly commit to this relationship first and foremost?
– Waiting for others to connect with us first can be a lonely process and we can end up missing out on so much. Whereas when we choose to stay with ourselves, our connection with others just flows. It is amazing how the steadiness of this connection simply hold us and the space around us.
When we deeply connect to ourselves, we connect to our multi dimensionality, this feels so all embracing of who we innately are there is no need for recognition and acceptance from outside of us.
I know this journey very well- I loved recognition and always needed the outer to be content inside. After getting a sense of who I truly am and what qualities I have as Stefanie, I understood and felt for the first time the true way of freedom. Not needing the outer, because I gave myself everything I am, because I was me. These moments are pretty known by now and whenever I slip into a “give me recognition moment” I stop and feel immediately the pain in my body.
It is a revelation indeed to find that the many of the issues which we face in life may be completely self-created, and in fact be a strategy to gain something we thought we were lacking.
Isn’t it interesting that the most natural thing in the world like gaining a sibling can have such a traumatic effect.
Thank you for sharing, a beautiful reminder to invest time in developing that all important relationship with ourselves so as to always have a solid foundation on which to stand and not be rocked by anything outside of us
Thank you Chris, I really enjoyed reading this and felt all you shared was a fantastic study of family dynamics and sibling relationships. This really stood out for me “The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.” This is a great reminder for me to continue deepening my connection, and to understand that my innermost heart is waiting for me to return to if recognition creeps back. in.
It feels very sad that children compete with their siblings – it is always a challenge for parents to treat the children equally and they way they do it is often to buy them the same things, but we are all different and truly all we need is to be met for who we are, and treated as equals by the quality of our relationships, not by any material things.
It is very powerful how life sets up each of us to fit into a role or expectation about how we should be. Reflecting on this now it feels like we are being ‘groomed’ to be something outside of us from the moment of birth. Universal Medicine absolutely confirms and expands our light supporting the re-connection you write of Chris. Thank you for sharing your re-connection to you and the solid foundation it now offers you.
‘This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.’ – all that we develop in the relationship with ourselves – the love and tenderness that we are forever expanding for us is what we are then offering to others in all of our relationships.
Including our family. Beautifully said.
Great sharing, Chris, wow – what enormous expectations were bestowed upon you as a young boy. Whilst the attention may have felt great at the time, it came at a price – one that ultimately drew you away from your gorgeous self.
This is a great picture you paint, Chris, of how we constantly develop strategies to gain love and attention as however good the strategy is its success is always short-lived and never gives us what we truly crave: to be met for who we truly are.
It is such a game and set up that is so easily brought into. When we are not truly celebrated for who we are and for what we do then there will always be that feeling of we are never enough.
I can sense in your excellent blog Chris that it is a bit of a set up that as soon as we start seeking recognition for what we do rather than who we are from others, and giving this out to others no-one wins. Recognition for what we do lays the foundations for comparison and jealousy to take root.
Stunning, Chris – “This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” There is nothing more joyful than to feel another re-connect to the love that lives within them.
To feel one’s own love is indescribable along with the solid connection that is felt in the body. When we feel this connection it cannot be left there, to me there is an overwhelming desire to share this feeling with everyone. And there is nothing special in the sharing one just has to go about in life and this is enough as it is then felt by all because we feel energy all the time whether we are aware of this fact or not. It’s so simple it’s brilliant.
There is no avoiding what it is you have outlined Chris, healing involves restoring a relationship with our true-selves, the Soul and learning to live it in everyday life.
A great sharing Chris. Connection to self is the antidote to everything and I do mean everything. The more we strengthen our connection, the more magical life becomes. The deeper in we go, the simpler life gets. All of the fragmented parts slowly dissolve and life becomes rhythmically constant.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am” – stunning Chris. For me just being who I am is rather like the clean and cleansed feeling I get taking off all my makeup at the end of the day, and then seeing the naturalness of a bare face and eyes in the mirror. Connection is the bareness of our beautiful truth.
Yes, the most beautiful relationship is the one we have with ourselves – which is always growing and deepening, every time we let go off the old habits and patterns that no longer serve us.
We get caught up in family affairs, and by all means we should love our family deeply. It would serve us well however, to remember that they are not the only love in the world.
Becoming who we have been all along – gives an interesting perspective to the proverb ‘to become like children’.
That’s a saying I had long forgotten, how true it is.
Yes indeed Chris, the games that can be played to gain attention just completely and utterly take us away from ourselves, and in that separation, we do all sorts of things that only harm our own physiology and set ourselves upon the path of some form of dis-ease. We think we’ve won by gaining recognition and attention we need, but in truth we just lost.
So true Matthew, and we first have to be disconnected from ourselves to feel the need to seek recognition.
It’s so confirming to expose our own games of manipulation and how we set the stage for the play we then act in. Only when we see the setup we have been part of creating can we begin to re-walk the steps we have taken away from ourselves.
When children don’t get truly met by parents, they do resort to certain behaviours that get them the attention that they are seeking from their parents because the parents are coming from a place of emotional need and love and don’t know how to truly just be with their children with no expectations, pictures, or needs, so the child basically says, I’ll take any attention I can get.
We might say that giving children sugar or letting them play videos games all day is not a good thing for our children but the real ill starts when we do not hold and meet with them for who they are for this starts the underlying thirst for recognition.
Very revealing to have your honesty here Chris and the example of the two ends of the scale. It shows how we deliberately manipulate the way we behave to get what we need – ie. to get the very poor substitute for being met for who we truly are – some kind, any kind, of recognition or attention.
Oh yes Chris, the games we play, yet they leave us still needing isolated and lonely. When connecting with ourselves and accepting all we are one step at a time all that is needed can fall away.
Chris what you describe here is a pattern I know very well. I still feel the remnants of wanting the approval of others, and my habit to withdraw if I feel rejected is also still there, however I am very aware of them and slowly building my foundation of self acceptance so that I am not dependent on other to confirm me. This is a huge lesson.
Chris what a great article to remind us all that the inner knowing, the inner connection has always been there, its up to us to redevelop that connection and then everything that we thought we had lost is re-found.
It feels amazing when you build a connection within you that cannot be rocked. Insecurity turns to true inner confidence, and things that used to affect and hurt do not have the same sting. If we have our inner connection with ourselves there is no need to look outside for approval or acceptance. How absolutely wonderful.
Many years ago, I would have heard the term…’inner-connection’ and probably would have thought it to be ‘namby pamby’, over played drama, something a bit out there, or something to be scoffed at. But through The Gentle Breath Mediation I found it to be a very quiet thing, very gentle, stilling and it left no room for doubt or anxiety in my body, just a simplicity and loveliness. If this is inner-connection Who wouldn’t want to experience something like this?
Do we realise how doting on children and using them to feed our emptiness and need is actually having a devastating effect on their sense of self and sense of worth? This is an eye opening and very honest experience that I’m sure many will learn from.
We put so much pressure on OURSELVES to ‘deliver’ and ‘become’ something fantastic, e.g. a successful doctor, engineer, entrepreneur or businessmen so that others will be impressed, or even simply trust that we can ‘look after ourselves’, a family etc. Could it be that this actually LIMITS our success, and that our enormous potential to be a leading light in society is designed to look very different than our picture?
“When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.”
Love this line Chris, for this level of self responsibility is game changing medicine that will one day change life as we know it.
This shows me how important it is to treat everyone with the same love and care and how important it is for us to bring up children in a way, to the best we can offer that allows the space for each child to not have to lose that connection with themselves.
Retreating from the world is never a true answer to our woes, it just adds to our sense of isolation and leads us to believe we don’t matter. Learning to open up and express our selves, all our hurts, sensitivities and joy empower us to appreciate just how connected we are and how every person is equally important.
Beautifully expressed, Rowena, and so true.
This is a great before and after story, Chris, of the shift from looking to others for recognition and acceptance, to developing a consistent loving relationship with yourself that relies on nothing whatsoever from the outside. Thanks for sharing.
It certainly has been a roller coaster when we are built up and play ball with the seeking of recognition and desperately wanting acceptance. I too started to the extent of this when I started attending the Universal Medicine courses and how I totally didn’t know who I was in the sense that there is a connection within that I had not yet truly activated. The moment I made that choice on a daily basis to make it about my connection with myself first did I start to feel the confidence within and realise I didn’t need anything from the outside any more. Even though I have kept seeing it play out in so many different scenarios and exposing it for what it is.
For quite a few people it seems that the best way to dealing with feeling down or in trouble is to connect to another person – of course, at that moment that may then be the hardest thing to do. Still it needs to be done.
Gorgeous to read of your re-connection to yourself Chris, that had previously been tied up in what others thought of you. I love how you expose the games we all have or can play for various reasons. I played having something wrong with me when life and family got intense so to keep the focus off me. Having this awareness in schools would support teachers to understand and respond to children and teenagers behaviours.
Love this photo… inner connection brings forth streams of light that come through no matter what [cloud] may be in the way for nothing stops the connectedness of true connection.
I find it such a strong experience to feel the patterns of behaviour that became ingrained while growing up and what they leave us to overcome as we get older. It really makes sense to see that a child that is accepted and told they are loved and considered amazing will not have the same issues around people than one who is not given this. Our need for acceptance runs so deep, and so many behaviours will play out to achieve recognition. It is brilliant to understand this more and more, although arresting the neediness is not an overnight event, the mere awareness of it is a huge positive. Thanks for writing this Chris.
What a corker of a line – “I was the ultimate distraction for many from their own lives.” Such brave honesty, we can look to children to fill up our lives with joy as we seem to have lost our way on how to do that for ourselves.
‘I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for’ it’s so good to know that this is available within us all
You describe the ultimate responsibility Chris to be all of who we are, no more no less. This is however an ever deepening process that is an inward movement that can be shared with others.
Totally agree Jennym it is the ultimate responsibility – when we feel an ache be it physical or psychological, knowing that medicine starts within is deeply empowering and purposeful.
The truth is Chris, that you have already so much to give just by walking in to the room, and it is very fantastic to read you sharing this with the world.
Beautifully said Shami, we are already ‘all’, we have just mastered in covering this up.
It’s interesting because lately I’ve felt old hurts of rejection come up myself. And in that there is like a tug of war going on inside me, on one hand I feel the hurt and I’m instantly taken back to a time where it was extreme, and on the other I have the knowing that that’s not me anymore, and that actually everything is ok. So to be able to have that understanding that it’s not actually true and it’s a choice to either fall down the rabbit hole or hold steady in myself is great, albeit tricky at times.
A beautiful sharing of your development with connection. And how this is so fundamental to the relationship we have with ourselves, and in turn, others. What I get from this is that it is easy to please people and get our way and play the game, but this is not sustainable in any way.
I remember being told to be aware of the struggle my first born would have when my second child was born, looking back the same thing happened for me when I was born and grew up. If we can recognise how much of our lives we search for recognition and acceptance outside of ourselves we can live with a more connected focus and celebrate each other for who we are and what we bring from our essence not our doing.
I was the first born and my parents told me that I was very happy the first time I saw my younger brother. We regularly bickered but I never really saw him as a rival – we were quite different.
How funny (not really funny) is it that when we don’t think we will get what we want back, we withdraw ourselves. There is nothing for anyone else in that approach, it is all about us and meeting our own needs.
True, and the moment we make all it about us we have lost the truth of who we truly are, and in that, who everyone else is too…
I love this, the connection that asks nothing of you. I really get a sense that when you found that space again, you felt the ease and settlement in the body.
These are two completely different ways of life, one lived from the outside in and the other from the inside out.
So true. When we choose outside in we are a prisoner to the needs and wants of ourselves and others – when we choose inside out we taste true freedom.
“I soon learned that if I acted in a certain way, more attention came my way.” This really shows when we learn to replace true love for attention and how we learn that we have to ‘pretzel’ ourselves (be a certain way we think the other wants us to be) to get what we want. And there we go, we develop our ways of being we end up thinking is us when it is actually not us at all, just a trick that works to get the attention we think we need, all the while not receiving what we truly want which is true love.
A great confirmation how there is little difference between striving hard for approval and attention, to being withdrawn and not engaging with life. Same with being really good, as opposed to being anti-social. They are all strategies to cope with life, have some form of identity and seek attention and recognition. In whatever form that comes.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” This is very profound for whilst it claims the truth that all we need to do is be who we are, it also declares the truth that who we are is constantly expanding.
Blogs like these are proof of the miracles available to all of us. There is so much to appreciate and be in awe at in these few words and the affect of the changes that you have made to your life and awareness will have ripples throughout humanity – certainly they are rippling through me and making me feel very humble at the gift that Universal Medicine is presenting to us all.
What you talk about here Chris about knowing and connecting to ourselves is the fundamentals to life, if we do not have this then life is but a mear painful merry go round.
This is beautiful Chris, discovering that the most valuable relationship is with ourselves is a complete game changer. We discover that relationship with self is a relationship with God and that within this deepening relationship we can never feel rejected or unloved for we are love and love has no emotion.
I like what you have shared Kim that the most valuable relationship we can have is with ourselves, I had no understanding of this until I met Serge Benhayon he and the Benhayon family have supported me to develop a relationship with my self and this had had such a positive effect on everyone else I know especially my family and work colleagues.
Thank you Chris. Your sharing makes much sense. How hard when as a small child we have the full focus of attention from adults (most often family) and then along comes a usurper and we are no longer at the top of the pile! I am so glad to hear of your connection to your inner most self and the realisation that we don’t need others to admire and build us up. We are all that is needed as we are.
A brilliant account of awareness and how to seemingly cope with the world. Your honesty is very healing.
A reality where nothing is asked of us, but the love we feel is profoundly available and shared unreservedly with others. Such honoring of the importance of connection with ourselves is the only true building block in the foundation that will bring another the wisdom so they too can begin to build their own foundation – their own connection with them selves.
I was the first born too Chris although my mother had had a son from a previous marriage who lived with my grandmother. I am now pondering more deeply on my own upbringing and how being the eldest in the family was for me and what an impact it had when my brother was born a couple of years after me, the first son to my father. I feel it is great that we all allow ourselves these moments to feel how what happened in childhood had an influence on us and may still have today. Level 2 Healing with Universal Medicine is a course I do my best to attend each year as it can shed so much light on this.
I am finding that developing my inner connection is a forever deepening one and that there is never a point at which we have, ‘made it’!
“I felt I could let go of trying to be a certain way and be me” connecting to our inner self does indeed bring a freedom, confidence and ease to being ourselves in the world.
The constant merry-go-round never stops, but if we live a life in which we foster a connection with ourselves the merry-go-round continues on but we don’t need to ride on it, we can learn to move ourselves instead of being moved by what is going on around us.
This comment gave me a strong image of something that always used to fascinate me as a kid. On merry-go-rounds and waltzers there was always the person whose job it was to load people in and collect their money. And I used to watch them as they appeared to stand still whilst the ride whizzed around them – they were of course just walking in the opposite direction to the ride – but this always enthralled me. They were doing exactly what you describe – moving themselves rather that being moved by what was going on a round them – and the impression it gave me as a child watching was one of stillness.
Great to point out Chris that our actions towards the children when they are born and how we value them within the family is often biased and subject to our emotional needs and wants. Within my own family it was often told to us that my parents kept having children to get the one boy that my father always wanted, and the irony is they went onto have 5 girls. So it makes me wonder if a boy had been conceived would they have then said their family was complete and have less children. This unfortunately is not an uncommon situation as we have examples from many cultures that value one gender over another.
Re-reading this what comes up for me is the imposition of using someone else as a distraction and how often this happens and how I have been part of this cycle of behaviour in my parenting but also in other relationships. I chose to withdraw early on as a way of punishing others and myself and lost myself in causes and other people’s problems and can remember years ago when one friend’s dilemma was solved she commented that I seemed almost disappointed which I vehemently protested whilst part of me acknowledged the truth in what she said as I no longer had that issue to focus on.
Feeling the impact of choosing to disconnect from myself and the wider ramifications of my irresponsibility.
This is beautifully written Chris, I can very much relate to what you have shared. If we as men are not held in the beautiful tenderness and delicacy we naturally are, we feel devastated and very much rejected. It seems to be our great learning to hold ourselves no matter what comes our way. Yet so many of us are in complete denial that we are hurt by the world in the first place. So it’s inspiring to see that you have been able to move past the stuff in the way to connect, go deeper and just be at ease in yourself in the day.
It is very simple and no pressure at all to just be who we are in every moment. And this is a forever deepening process.
Love this Andrew and it is truly forever deepening – I feel there is no end to the depth that can be felt when we let go of all that we have put in the way of feeling ourselves deeply and honestly.
Thanks Chris I can relate here to the pressure of being worshipped for what I did rather than being seen for who I was as a child and this is something that has played out a lot throughout my life and even into my adult life. It is a bit of a game that I have played just as much as others around me to seek recognition to fill the void of not loving myself. It is changing though now through developing a deeper connection with my self and greater appreciation of who I am and what qualities I really bring to the world.
Another awesome miracle Chris and living proof of the power of the Universal Medicine teachings and healing modalities, which empower us to break down our guardedness and allow our true self to shine in the world once more.
Chris, reading what you are sharing here makes me realise why we can withdraw; ‘My family would say “What’s wrong with you? Why are you so sad? Would you like this or that to cheer you up?” Again, the game was on.’ I remember times in my life where I did this to achieve attention and to some extent it worked in that I would get attention, but then to live being withdrawn feels awful, there is no joy, playfulness or lightness in this. It is very beautiful to read how you are now re-connecting with you and so do not need this outside attention from others.
So true Rebecca, it takes a concerted effort to remain withdrawn and at the end of the day does not bring us what we want. The more we choose to re-connect to our inner flame, the easier it becomes to engage, open up and to give the world what it is we have been waiting to be given: warm, bright, playful love.
Not holding back because of placing others before me or the ‘real’ truth, choosing not to be responsible for who I am and what I bring is becoming a natural way of being in my life and boy does it feel freeing and amazing. This comes down to nominating with consistency that which is holding me back.
Feeling rejected by parents, partners or friends is a heavy weight to bear in life. And yet it is a choice, not a given. Once we connect with our inner and true selves and regardless of past hurts, we’re no longer affected by them. Instead, we’re held by something far more powerful, a sense of self and knowing who we truly are.
Chris you describe well how the arrival of a second child can lead to the first child closing down and withdrawing. I’ve seen this happen to a child I know. Important for parents to be aware of how the arrival of a new born may affect children and begin to include children early on by talking to them before and after the birth.
Our inner-most connection is forever enduring, nurturing of us and leaves us to naturally express and be all that we are.
This blogs shows clearly that true parenting is of such importance, as when done from ideals and beliefs we create children that only respond to what we as adults need of them instead of allowing accepting and appreciating that inner connection our children are naturally born with.
Lovely sharing Chris, what i couldn’t help in reading this was how a few simple words of how important you were as a boy from your family would have brought you out of this and back into the world. That is no blaming of your family but just a wonderful knowing that the more we do understand and support children, the more they blossom. And what is shared by Universal Medicine in regards to parenting has been incredibly eye opening and amazing in its simplicity.
This is a great sharing Chris. It reads to me like you have come back from the rejection of yourself that you deemed was necessary in order to fit in with whatever you needed to do to get the attention of others. Now is the beginning of living with a connection to who you truly are without any expectations affecting you being you. This is a truly successful life to me.
Beautiful account on childhood and life Chris that’s so relatable. Self-confirmation of who we are brings the confidence to be and to live who we are; it is in confirmation’s absence that we then fall to the call of everybody else except ourselves.
Beautiful sharing Chris, I can remember the way for me to get attention was to be helpful, useful always there if you needed something done, I was the one you could depend on, this of course gave me recognition and I was needed, but I was left empty of me. i have since come to know and experience what you shared in your last line as so true. ” This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” and I am loving just being me, more and more each day.
A great account of the dynamics of ‘specialness’, sibling rivalry and the lengths we go to get recognised, to get the attention we’ve accustomed ourselves to. And we all do versions of this, in whatever way we know how and figure out works for us… which is ultimately fruitless and fatiguing. It’s quite liberating to see these games for what they are and choose a different way. Love your work Chris, and appreciating my own efforts in this regard too.
I love the honesty in which you have shared. Searching for recognition is massive and while we don’t fully accept or appreciate ourselves, we often search and crave it from others.
We are sometimes so focused on our own needs we do not feel into what is appropriate in each moment
That is very true Carmel, as we can be run by ‘thoughts’ that try and make us believe we need things without true discernment if that is so. These little ‘thought monsters’ can be very insidious indeed and it pays to be onto them the moment they rear up …
Chris what an utterly awesome blog, I love how you write so open and honestly, most of us (if honest) can relate to the constant seeking of recognition you talk about, yet not many of us are prepared to do something about it, yet you have and in doing you will inspire so many. Thank you Chris for this great fat reminder that we need not seek outside for we are already everything within.
A sensitive article Chris that exposes the game of separation that nobody wins. We can never be filled from anything outside of ourselves, this I have also come to know. Re-connecting to the essence we are and have always been is a very beautiful reunion, a love that confirms the truth we are.
Being put on any sort of pedestal is fraught. It may seem appealing at the outset but as you share Chris it is not real and if our worth is based on the attention or recognition from others it is very flimsy. It is actually harming to place our own expectations on our children or anyone else. Playing the game as you express it also just as harming to us and others. Connecting to ourselves is a true coming home.
The games we play for attention as a substitute for loving ourselves is truly fascinating. We have all played these games, at one point or another. What I love about your article is it exposes the game, it makes it powerless in a way just by writing about it. Sometimes when people come across as “shy” and speak really softly I feel that it is an unconscious game to pull people in, I watch my whole body nearly fall off my chair to be able to hear them. I felt to share this as it reminds me of the same energy as withdrawal, it pulls others in. Then there is the show off, the one that speaks really loud on their mobile when in a public place, almost saying to the world, “What I do dominates, look at me, I am the most important” and attempts to pull others away from what they are doing or focusing on. These are the bigger more obvious cases of attention seeking but I love that you have exposed the unsuspecting withdrawn person as being in fact in the same energy as the loud talking look at me person.
For a long time it was hard to feel anything beyond the constant undertone of anxiety – when I did actually bring myself to a stop, which was rare. Tools like esoteric yoga and the gentle breath meditation have been brilliant in helping me to slow down, to reconnect to my body, and start to feel more, instead of living completely from my head. With that, I’ve felt more spacious, more of a gap between me and my thoughts, which then leads on to feeling more space between me and situations, more space between me and reactions. Not everything feels like a drama, and I feel more connected to others, more connected to life.
This is an essential awareness you share Chris – that all we are seeking already exists with-in in quality and quantity that should we surrender to, shines, shimmers and reflects so brightly that it is felt by everyone equally – the way love is designed to be.
Great blog Chris, thanks for taking the time to share it with us all. When I read this “it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am” I was struck by the simplicity of what is on offer and saw so clearly how we can override / ignore that because it is so simple yet so difficult in a way because we are not raised to be just who we are.
I love your honesty and can absolutely vouch .. particularly after just having an amazing and truly supportive Esoteric Yoga Session, that the Universal Medicine modalities do just that, that is to truly truly help and support us to connect to ourselves from within, re-claim this connection and build a relationship with ourselves and all others from this place. Absolute GOLD and what the world deeply needs.
‘When I start to feel rejected, I don’t need to withdraw any more as there is the connection with myself that has a steadiness and where I feel truly held and cared for. This connection is always there to connect to when I choose.’ I used to do the same thing Chris and go into withdrawal when I felt rejected. It was like a sea creature going into its shell. This pattern has taken a long time to break and it can still surface in little ways but I too feel this connection now and am growing in the love I hold for myself and the steadiness and strength that I feel from within.
Great sharing Chris- it makes you stop and realise the importance of how we raise kids and how by our actions it can breed a ground of separation, pecking one against the other, comparison and jealousy. These are the very things that create many issues and tear families apart.
Beautiful simple message Chris. Be You, through connection to You, and know yourself by this. The step I’ve taken is to truly embody my connection by appreciating and confirming what is me in my connection. It is an appreciation of my literal movement of my activity that I acknowledge moment to moment. ‘That is me’ when I do what I do. The recognition is my own. This way of life the norm becomes not the mundane of repetition but feeling you and glorious it is to do any thing.
I appreciated reading about the process you went through to mould yourself to get attention and recognition. We all do this in different forms to adapt in life and the environment we find ourselves in as kids. A lot of people seem to make little change as they become adults and end up falling back on not so helpful or healthful behaviours to get by in life. Universal Medicine offers us a way to not just get by, but reclaim the gorgeous person we were when we knew all we had to do was just be.
Beautiful Chris, choosing to connect to your essence and be who you are is so empowering. There are many forms of seeking recognition which leads to separation and exhaustion, it drains us and the people around us. Exposing and letting go of the need to seek recognition is deeply loving as it opens up the space for us to just accept, appreciate and simply be ourselves.
This is great Chris. What games we play even when we are very small. Great to unravel it and gain an understanding that you can act on. Connecting to our inner essence should be taught in schools.
Super simple and super confirming of the fact that we are never alone when we develop a loving, connected, respectful and interactive relationship with ourselves. Thank you, Chris.
This is a great point to make Matilda – “…the fact that we are never alone when we develop a loving, connected, respectful and interactive relationship with ourselves.” A great reminder for all of us and something to really connect to as it will make everyone’s life so much more rich and gorgeous.
The inner connection you talk about Chris, brings the steadiness that holds us regardless of the intensity of what’s happening around us. And it is delicate, ever so exquisite and unwavering in its beholding quality of ourselves and everybody else. It is the hallmark of true strength and power – nothing pushy, forceful or muscle-driven – simply the ever constant steady holding of the love we are.
The connection to oneself never fails, it goes with us through thick and thin and it gets deeper and vaster, more encompassing. It is fail proof and the most delicious and fulfilling good one could ever wish for.
Agree Joshua – a very honest and wise blog that reveals that before anything – our connection to ourselves is first and foremost. Thank you Chris! – A wonderful blog!
Your beautiful words remind me that we already have everything we seek.
Absolutely Leonne, hence why it is exhausting to seek anything that is outside of ourselves, i.e, love, connection, religion, God and the list goes on and on.
Hear hear – all we need to do is allow it to come to the forefront and feel it in every cell 🙂
Thank you for such honesty of what it was like growing up for you. For a first born especially if it is a boy there are such huge expectations for the future. I know from my experience with my brother that there was a massive expectation from the family for him to succeed even if he wasn’t the first born and the girls in the family were left in no doubt that they were not at all important. And in many cultures this divide still plays out.
What a gorgeous piece of writing from a man and something to be deeply appreciated and celebrated. Connection is especially rare with men because of their guarded protections so very beautiful to read and feel indeed
I agree Joshua. It is truly beautiful when men express what they feel. I’m sure this blog will inspire many men to do the same.
Yes, it is very inspiring. It is establishing a foundation that it is safe to be transparent and vulnerable.
Yes, it is touching when men (and women too) express as they are without the protections. This is how we bridge the divide that can creep into our relationships. Being ourselves… yes to that.
I agree, we are all sensitive and it is beautiful when a man expresses what he feels.
Really beautiful indeed and opens up so much more then for all …
You said it – a game. Exactly that is what it is – all the tactics and strategies we cultivate as we attempt to go through life relatively unscathed, and to secure our identity. It is so liberating when we come out of it and are able to see through it all, and start to choose simplicity of just connecting with who we truly are.
Building our confidence on the approval of others seems great while the illusion lasts. But it seems all it takes is one rejection to expose the cracks in such a false facade and for the doubts and insecurities to seep in.
Learning to deeply appreciate ourselves and take care of ourselves so we know we are running on all cylinders, and gauging a job well done by the quality with which we can feel for ourselves, on the other hand, offers a confidence that is not dependent on the whims, beliefs and judgments of others.
Beautifully described Chris, we all developed a variety of ways to get the recognition, approval and acceptance that we craved and yet all the time we missed the point that we withdrew and rejected ourselves.
Chris thank you for sharing, how beautiful it feels to be able to connect to our essence. Our Essence is always there from the moment we are born, like you many of us lost our connection to our essence and was looking for it outside or us. Thanks Universal Medicine we where shown how to reconnect back to our own essence.
There are so many lessons we learn as children, from all our relationships, and the hurts we feel that we carry with us into adulthood, unless we have parents or mentors who can help us deal with them.
It’s quite amazing how duped people are in to believing that they must fulfill the pictures of life and how having a first son in the family is such a relief and not a joy for everyone . Thanks for sharing Chris.
Coming back to the connection with myself when I am feeling out of sorts, when things seem too out of control or if I have reacted to what someone has said or done, is one of the most valuable tools that I have in my ‘self-love tool kit’. Taking the time to stop in these moments and to feel where I’m at quickly shows me that I have simply disconnected from me and from there I have disconnected from everything else around me; no wonder then that life starts to unravel.
When something comes up in a relationship our immediate response is to blame the other person, be it directly or indirectly, it’s to do with ‘their’ behaviour that’s messing up the flow. But what if we were the ones who configured a set up where, for example, no one takes the lead or initiates moving forward, there is one sided support, sometimes we’re ‘too busy’ to have a decent conversation and so forth? Until we’ve deeply considered this ourselves, can we really point fingers?
So true Susie, a relationship is about how we relate to each other and how we relate to ourselves. When we just step back and make it all about the other person we don’t evolve, for we don’t look at what we are bringing to the relationship and how are we being. I see this play out at work and in families all of the time. It’s amazing how all the game playing just stops when we look at our reflection.
What games we play to get love and recognition yet none achieve true, lasting success. It is only when we stop playing the games do we achieve this.
Games are so tedious – how much more fulfilling when we just be who we truly are through connecting to our selves and reflecting this connection and others may choose to connect too.
This is so crucial to develop and honour the connection within, we will often be rejected for all sorts of reasons and to know how to return within when the outside is seemingly rejecting you which feels very personal, but in my experience is never personal, is a true support not just a way of getting through.
The expectations of others can be a heavy burden on us and many cope by manipulating this circumstance to their own apparent advantage. However in learning how to amend our behaviour to make us more acceptable to others we lose our connection to our essence and inevitably have to face the devastation of this at some stage (unless we find other behaviours to avoid this). It’s lovely to feel the solidness of your connection with you Chris and it would be great to get an update of your evolving relationship with you in the future.
How beautiful to have a relationship with life which doesn’t have any withdrawal. Or very little. The things we pick up in childhood we can actually be living as adults, out behaviours, reactions are not simply ‘us’ but have a traceable pathway back to what we have experienced and chosen as a consequence. How beautifully you have shown the self empowerment in all of this Chris.
Thank you Chris for exposing the way so many of us behave as a consequence of attempting to make sense of the world and our relationships. Universal Medicine restores the sense, our connection with our innate love and through the healing modalities and workshops, empowers us to relinquish the hurts that we used to block our vitality and wisdom. It is truly miraculous to witness this re-emergence into who we truly are, a joy to see the sparkle returning to people’s eyes and bodies as they re-embrace their unique expression and truth.
Recently I found myself in a small group of people where one of the group left me out when introducing someone he knew. I clocked immediately what had happened and found myself at a point where I could either indulge in the rejection or do something about it. I did something about. I read the situation and introduced myself. I chose to not play victim, accept what had happened and not allow another to try to bring me down because I was feeling and looking amazing.
Caroline, a similar situation occurred with me recently and I immediately nipped the situation in the bud by introducing myself. I am no longer the wall flower standing in the shadows happy not to be seen.
Thank you for sharing this Caroline and your clear simple steps of not indulging in reaction, reading the situation, and taking action. Essentially you chose to stay with your essence.
Well claimed Caroline. It is so important to not allow ourselves to feel less simply because another has either shut us out, rejected or simply forgotten to mention us. There is no reason others should miss out on an introduction to another, because of how one other person feels.
We love to be loved and the center point in other peoples lives and I can remember the same thing when my younger brothers were born that there was some readjusting in my ways to get attention. Yet I wonder if we would be truly loved from the moment we were born if this would still be the case. Attention is not the same as true love and I think that what we feel when there is another more cute and more small brother or sister born that then gets all the attentions, is the fact it was not true love, as that is always equal there for all and we would not feel like missing out. We then would also learn from young that we are love and how to confirm and love ourselves, this would change our world.
Attention is not the same as meeting, knowing and loving each other and ourselves in essence. Thank you Lieke.
Great to put the emphasis on this here Melinda as it is a great marker and something we can watch out for.
I enjoyed the candid nature of this blog and how open and honestly you’ve shared here Chris. Thank you.
Thank you Chris. Beautiful that you have arrived at a place within where you feel held and steady, without need of approval or recognition from outside yourself.
Re-connection to who we are within is an incredible restorer of all those old hurts. In the action of this its beautiful to feel those needs from others drop away.
Our connection becomes everything, because we feel that there is no such thing as being isolated, even though we may be alone. If we are feeling isolated or withdrawing we soon learn that we are off track and disconnected from the wonder and everything that we are.
Yes all we have to do is check in and look at our livingness and we can quickly make a change if we have not been with our selves, reconnecting, checking in and starting anew – this is possible any time for anyone.
Chris thank you for sharing your story, it is very confirming to read both to reflect on my life and also to consider what my daughter will be experiencing now as she grows up. I love your line “The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others.” as this was the same for me when I came to Universal Medicine, its that feeling of connection with myself that is the foundation of everything and when I loose that connection nothing else matters until I feel the connection again.
Reading Chris’s story brought home for me too of what my sons feel around them from family and friends and how they are with that. It’s great to talk about these things and check in with ourselves of do we change or not.
Perfect Chris.. the games we play, how well we play them, and what damage they can do (especially as they feed not only the emptiness in ourselves, but equally are the other side required for everyone else in the family to continue playing out their own version). But building a relationship with yourself, as simple an antidote as it sounds, has immense power to break it down and show the world something real.
Sure Simon, if we can let go the individual need and see that there is something grander to adhere to we can connect to the truth of our being and with that to the grandness we are. That is then what we show to the world and bring into our families and which is as you say very real because we all do know it from deep inside.
“The more I allowed myself to feel this connection, the less I felt I needed approval and recognition from others” This is gold Chris. Seeking recognition from others is never enough as there will always be the desire for more, if not now then tomorrow or the next day, It can be like a drug. Connecting deeply with ourselves enables us to feel we are enough, without that neediness.
Yes Sue, seeking recognition is like an insatiable hunger never filled, connecting deeply with ourselves, to the love that we are, the hunger disappears as the emptiness is not there.
Beautiful analogy with the hunger – and our true connection is so yummy we don’t need recognition or acknowledgement from others then as we deeply know and embrace who we are.
Beautiful sharing Chris, it made me look at how I was the youngest in the family for four years and then a baby brother came along. This may explain a lot of how I also chose to withdraw. Finding that connection with self is such an important part of the puzzle of life and opens us up to be enjoyed by everyone.
It is such a delicate shift to make, between withdrawing into our selves verses re-connecting to our inner essence. One choice brings down the shutters, the other opens the door to our hearts and allows all our playfulness and love to flood out.
“This beautiful relationship I am developing with myself is one that doesn’t stand still; it asks nothing of me but to be just who I am.” A beautiful relationship that is the foundation for all relationships and connection with others.
Chris, thank you for sharing this, I can feel that in the past I have done this too and actually I have also done this as an adult; ‘by trial and error I found what worked for me was going into my shell. In the withdrawal, the attention came again’, in recent years I have found that this is not a joyful way to live and that it is very up and down and so what I do now if I feel sad or upset is to talk about and express what it is I am feeling so that I do not have to experience the pain of withdrawing; expressing what I am feeling means that I do not shrink away and so I feel more empowered and consistent because of this.
When we re-establish our connection with ourselves, the world becomes a simple place, which requires nothing from outside of us to make us complete.
Yes, so true Steve and as we build trust with our inner world we are able to stop looking outside of us and trust what is within and know that what is within has been there all along, patiently waiting for us to re-connect.
Trust is a huge and fundamental part of our relationship with ourselves and the rest of the world. When we’re always tuning in, listening and responding to what we can feel, we naturally have our own backs, without needing anything from anyone or anything else.
I agree Bryony. I had very little trust in myself or the world and from building the connection with myself, with my body, what I feel guides me. I have my own knowing and with this I go out into the world.
Reading your blog Chris was like reading my own life story and once more I confirm that there is no other way than re-developing a true connection with ourselves. The stories whether same or different they are nothing but stories.
Thank you for being such a clear mirror .
The lovely thing about connecting with ourselves is that through that we connect with everyone else and as you describe we often find we all once had the same stories – maybe different flavours of separation but basically a story the exposes the hurt of the disconnection and the consequences of living in that way.
Many of us (and everyone eventually) are also blessed to share the story of the joy and glory of the reconnection 🙂
The stories are so familiar to us all as we are all ONE when we are choosing to make life about the whole than one self.
Why would we ever feel rejected when we are in that connection with our inner most in which we do know we are part off and in continuous connected to the all?
Nico thats a great point, whenever I feel that connection with myself the thought of rejection does not come in. The case in point is there can be two very similar situations occurring and based on how I am with myself I approach and am different with both of these. In One I get to feel horrible and worthless, i.e. when I feel that rejection and the hurt. And in the other I have more understanding and continue on with my day. The difference is me and how I choose to be.
Well said Nico – the simplicity of truth exposing the complication and lies of rejection and other emotional states that we believe to be the truth of who we are.
When we are in it for ‘self’ we are master manipulators, ever ready to bend and mould ourselves to our desired external experience. By handing the reigns over to this part of ourselves (the human spirit) we lose connection to our true self (our Soul), the part of us that does not wait for the outer world to confirm the truth we know ourselves in essence to be but more so allows us to bring forth into the world all the love that we are.
In an often turbulent and emotion-based world it is easy to get rocked frequently and want to withdraw, especially if there is no steadiness or knowing within to cope with what arises. To develop a connection to ourselves and with that an inner knowing and strength is of paramount importance for it to consistently support us to remain unshaken as we move through life.
so true to me Samantha, life is rocky and is constantly trying to take us out of that connection we all innately are born with.
Yes Samantha, I used to get rocked all the time and withdrew as a result feeling not able to cope, this was not the answer though. Developing connection to myself I no longer react in the way I used to.. withdrawing from life. As I build my connection my steadiness continues to build and my own knowing of how to deal with life is naturally there.
When I feel more spacious it allows me to be more of me, there is less need to be confined to look or act in a certain or particular way. This confinement could be what I have picked up from those around when young or it could be what I have allowed myself to see. What does it mean to be me? This is what I have questioned…and I feel it is actually with space that I am discovering this deeper, as when there is more space I can feel much more than when I have been stuffed full of ideals and beliefs.
Beautifully written Chris, so deeply honest and accountable with much for me to ponder on with some similar patterns arising as a first-born too. I have either used striving for achievement or withdrawal as means for recognition, and agree that the simplicity of returning to our essence and establishing a steadiness with this provides a foundation to truly love ourselves and others. From our essence there is no need to seek the other seeming rewards we can desire when we live in disconnection from ourselves.
I was third born and also ended up in a mess – whatever happens same result for most which is to lose connection to who we truly are. What a blessing thanks to Serge Benhayon and Universal Medicine to reconnect to the true love I am and that we all are.